#nothing good comes out of my brain after 10 pm

[ravendruid]

I'm a mod for one of the Fanology ambassadors who has been doing watch parties on Twitch and the amount of new critters that have been joining the streams for the past three weeks warms my heart.

When I started watching Critical Role there were barely any of us in her chat (like literally just me and her and then maybe a couple other critters here and there), and now there's so many new critters.

It started gradually at first, but it wasn't until TLOVM premiered that we started having a higher flow of critters and for the past few weeks we've been having more and more new people joining out of curiosity for the show.

I don't know, it just warms my heart to see more people enjoying Critical Role. T_T

[alexsoenomel]

Chokehold (Sam Winchester x Reader smut)

Request: Hey I don’t know if you’re taking requests but I was reading Adrenlize Me and I had an idea for a part 2? Sam and reader have been getting at it for a bit but this time they finally say “I love you” to each other? Rough smut with a little dash of fluff? 🥰

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Warnings: sexy times and I love you’s, mentions of addiction 

Word count: 2.1k

Note: I apologize for being so slow (school+work+ADHD). Writing this made me realize how single I actually am.

 Enjoy! Like/Reblog or both if you like it! :)

PART 1

Addiction. First, it feels like a warm hug, sucking you in, disguising itself as something familiar, something beautiful, and finally, you feel like you filled that hole in your soul. Then it starts taking, it takes and takes until there is nothing left to take, until you cannot give anymore – until you’re dead. You find out, a little too late, that the warm hug was just a one-way ticket to your inevitable demise.

This started as a deep-seated need but turned into a full-blown addiction sooner than I thought, but the only difference was this was a blissful one, with no reaper waiting for you at the end. It only brought endless pleasure. 

Sam was no better than me. We couldn’t stop ourselves; every touch, every kiss would send us into a euphoric state, and it was better than any drug known to man. 

After our little adventure in Dean’s beloved Baby, we tried to keep our dirty little secret hidden. Sam would come to my room only during the night when he could hear Dean snoring in his room, and even then, we had to be careful since Dean was a light sleeper. He would muffle my moans with his hand whenever he was on top of me, he would sometimes even let me bite his shoulder, but it was impossible to be quiet, especially when we both liked listening to each other come undone. Long story short, Dean found out.

“Good thing you two lovebirds finally got together! The bad thing is now I cannot sleep.” He told us one morning while sipping his black coffee, clearly tired and cranky. 

Lovebirds.

That word was stuck in my brain that day. It still would pop up occasionally. It reminded me that we never labeled our little arrangement. When it happened, we would carry on, pretend like this thing was meaningless, and then we would do it all over again. We would cover every topic under the Sun apart from this one. We completely ignored it, but it was there, just around the corner, something more than just a meaningless hookup. 

Sure, he was able to make my legs shake, make me forget my existence, and his touch would set me on fire every damn time, but the way he would look at me right before I would come, the way we would look at each other…  I knew I was falling for him. 

We were birds of a feather –we connected through art, books, and music. We liked the same things but were far different characters. I was more of a 'Shoot first, ask questions later' kind of girl, like his older brother, and he was far from that. He was my voice of reason when I would let my emotions consume me; he was the one who would tell Dean and me to get our shit together whenever we would jump the gun (and that would often happen because we were both hotheads). We worked perfectly together. 

***

"God, I'm exhausted!" I said and put my bag on the table. 

We just got back from a hunt in Omaha, Nebraska, and it was a wild one. It dragged to no end until we finally ganked the ghost that was killing unfaithful men. I almost got thrown off the balcony, Dean almost got stabbed, and Sam, well he took care of it. Overall, I was just happy the case was over and, that I could sleep in my/Sam's bed. 

"Me too! Gonna hit the hay!" Dean said taking his shoes off. 

"Already? It's only 10 pm." Sam said. On a rare occasion, Dean would sleep early, he was the worst night bird in the flock. For him, 2 am was too early for bed, and mornings started at noon. 

"Sammy, I almost got stabbed today! Yeah, already." Dean said and disappeared into the hallway. 

"Night, Dean!" I said. 

"Night, night!" I heard him say. 

I was immediately hit with the realization that I was alone with Sam. There was something so alluring about him that made me nervous in the best way possible. It would boost my dopamine and adrenaline – like a drug. I swallowed nervously as I turned to see he was staring back at me and I immediately recognized the look – the look of devotion. 

"What?" I asked. He looked tired, with messy hair, and bags under his eyes. I was a tired mess too. During these days caffeine kept me awake and sharp since we were working night and day trying to solve the gruesome mystery. 

"Shower?" He asked.

"Please!" 

We went to his room since I would spend most of my nights there. What started as casual, grew to be a routine. I started hating sleeping alone in cold sheets – his warmth kept me safe. 

When we entered his room, pleasant silence joined us. We stripped down our dirty clothes and sins as we went to the bathroom. We didn’t say a word until warm water touched our tired bodies.

“Warm enough?” Sam asked me.

I nodded. He shampooed my hair, and I did my body while letting my muscles relax under the shower, feeling every part of me slowly shutting down from exhaustion.  Once my hair was nice and cleaned and I turned to face Sam, kissing where his heart was as I balanced myself on my tiptoes since he was much taller than me. 

“My turn?” I asked and got on his knees, like he usually would do when I wanted to wash his hair, and wrapped his hands around my waist, cupping my ass. It wasn’t the first time we showered together, the aftercare was as important for him as it was for me, but this time it felt far more intimate and real. The aftercare would usually turn into rough shower sex, leaving me breathless and sometimes even covered in bruises, but this time I saw true intimacy and meaning of showering together. 

Sam kissed my stomach as I washed his hair, sending light shivers all over my body. His hand went between my legs, and a light moan escaped from my lips. 

“All done!” My voice trembled. Sam stood up and kissed me hungrily. I could never get enough of his kisses, his lips were soft, kisses sweet kinda like cherries in spring, nothing like I’ve ever tasted before. He broke the kiss as our eyes met, water still running down our bodies. I could feel his breath on my lips. The air, even though hot and heavy, got a little bit chilly for a second – or was I getting nervous? I could feel my heartbeat in my throat. I didn’t know why I was getting nervous. Everything that seemed familiar was now foreign to me. Even though we fucked a million times, even though we both had seen each other naked, I was still feeling that tickling sensation in the pit of my stomach. 

Sam turned off the shower. We did our night routine in blissful silence. Skincare, haircare, the whole nine yards…in blissful pleasant silence. Sam even started using my Vitamin C serum, when I told him how good it is for the skin. 

I was pleasantly surprised when he took a little bit of my hydrating cream after the serum. I would always use that after having a rough day on the job, it did wonders for my tired skin. 

“You’re learning,” I told him as I brushed my teeth. 

“From the best.” He simply said. 

***

I didn’t remember the last time I did my night routine in my bathroom – and it all started when Dean caught me leaving his room to get my toothbrush. 

“You two are louder than a jackhammer!” He told me as he opened the door of his room, messy hair, eyes barely open, clearly feeling creaky from lack of sleep…again. “Keep it down, or I swear I’ll kill you both!”

“Sorry!” I was embarrassed but trying hard not to laugh.

Ever since then, I decided not to leave his room during the night. So, naturally, I started leaving my stuff in Sam’s room. 

***

After we got in our pajamas; Sam in his gray sweatpants and me in my oversized blue T-shirt I “borrowed” from him, got under the covers. I could feel my whole body relaxing, as I let my mind drift God knows where…I was ready to fall asleep, but Sam had other plans. He wrapped his hand around my waist pulling me closer to him. His semi-hard cock was pressed against my ass, and I felt his lips on my neck. 

“Yeah, Sammy?” I bit my lower lip. 

“I don’t wanna sleep.” He mumbled between kisses. 

I turned around, missing the softness of his lips on mine. I kissed him, feeling the minty taste on his lips. My hand went in his hair, pulling him closer to me. He moaned when I pulled his locks, sending shivers all over his body. He pushed me back onto the mattress as he climbed on top of me, leaving kisses all over my jaw and neck. I loved his lips on my skin, I loved everything about them; the softness, the taste, the ability to make me wet in seconds… 

“You got me worried today,” Sam whispered between kisses. 

“Sorry, I was a hot-headed dumbass.”

I thought I could take down the ghost by myself. I didn’t stick to the plan and almost got thrown off the balcony when the damn thing attacked me – my mistake.

“Like always.”

And that’s why you love me. I bit my tongue. I felt my walls completely coming down under him. I didn’t care about labels, I didn’t care what we were, I just knew my heart was struggling to stay silent. I wanted to say those words as much as I desperately wanted to hear them from him. 

“Shut up and kiss me!” I told him instead. 

Sam pressed his lips on mine, this time his hand went down my stomach between my legs. His fingers were cold, making my skin shiver, but his touch bought endless pleasure. 

I could feel his two fingers in me for a few seconds before he pulled away. 

“Tease,” I said annoyed. He loved making me beg and feel desperate and I loved every second of it. 

He licked his fingers clean and kissed me letting me have a taste as well. 

“You are delicious.”

Everything about this seemed different. He was sweeter and far more gentle. Usually, he would tell me to be quiet, his good girl, he would be rough, but this time…he wasn’t? He had a gentle side, but I’d rarely see it. I felt something was different. I felt my heart connecting with his and my soul feeling closer to his own. 

“And you’re a tease.” 

He laughed, showing off those cute little dimples I adored so much. 

"Just a little. " He smirked before kissing me again. I was growing impatient, and it was like he heard me. He wasted no time, he moved my panties to the side as I helped him lower his sweatpants. He entered me slowly, letting me adjust to his size, letting me bask in the pleasure his cock was giving me. I buried my fingers into his damp hair, arching my back slightly. 

"You feel so good!" 

He would always tell me that. Every time. No exception. He knew his words made me needy, horny, and desperate…He knew what buttons to push. 

He started to move and that was when my heart decided to work against me…or it did me a favor? My eyes were lost in his, not wanting to break the contract. I was feeling every inch of him, slowly moving in and out, skin to skin….

"I love you!" 

I heard myself say. My heart was pounding, I could see his expression change as his hair was falling on my cheeks…he smiled and kissed me.

"I love you too!" 

I didn't expect this answer from him. At the moment it didn't seem real but I think we both knew it was coming. Between the constant staring, and flirting just to gross out Dean and the genuine connection we had, we knew…

Sam's pace became faster, and I was slowly losing it. His face was inches away from mine, feeling each other's breaths as my climax was getting closer. I could feel my body shaking, my nails digging into his back as I couldn’t get his name out of my mouth. 

“Come on, baby!” He whispered in my ear. 

I loved his voice, I loved his touch, his kiss. I loved him.

I came hard, biting his shoulder (Sam didn’t even flinch), not wanting to be too loud because of Dean and his “Next time I’m gonna kill you both” sentence. 

He kissed me before collapsing next to me. We were both panting, waiting for someone to say something, to break the ice that had already been broken when I told him I love you. But no one did. Instead, we fell asleep, my head on his chest, safe and sound. 

[coffeedepressionsoup]

Somebody does love | MYG - They Meet

Pairing - Yoongi x F!reader

Summary - "What is grief, if not love persevering?" Two people are in love but that is not enough because sometimes loving requires courage.

This is the one where the two meet for the first time. Part 2 of Somebody Does Love.

Series Masterlist

Genre - fluff, strangers to lovers, eventual smut and angst

Word count - 3k+

Warnings - lil swearing, SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH! nothing else I can think of

Ratings - 13+

A/N - Apologies for the late update. But do let me know in the comments what you think of the chapter and what direction you want to see the narrative flow in. Also, this is not proofed, please excuse typos, tense, and grammar errors. And if you liked it, please please please engage with the post. Comment, like, repost. Your engagement is the sole reason I am pushed to write. 

Your flight landed with a two-hour delay at 5 pm at the Incheon airport. After collecting your baggage and going through customs, you shot a text to your friend and waited near one of the cafes inside the airport for the crowd to die down. In about 10 minutes you lugged your bags behind you, pulling your mask further up your nose and pulling the bucket hat to right above your eyes. 

It didn’t take long to spot Sammy. Dressed in all black, he had a casual gait that only he could have. It also helped that he carried a little cat poster. You could see his eyes crinkle with a smile as he saw you walking out, which mirrored your own.

“Oh it’s so good to finally have you here!” he said while hugging and slightly managing to lift you off the ground.

“I know. But I am so hungry and nervous and I have such a bad headache,” you mumbled into his jacket shoulder.

“Let’s get you washed, fed and rested. Come on,” he chuckled patted your back and took one of your bags before starting walking towards his car. Ah! His car. A black 2022 Maserati Ghibli Modena. One that he has been yapping about for months on end. 

You honestly found it ridiculous. The inordinate amount of money people would pay to procure “luxury” items always confounded you. Sure, wealth commands a certain amount of comfort- Your brain stopped as soon as you sat down on the passenger’s seat of the car. Your ass was far more comfortable than it has ever been on any bed or couch that you have ever owned. Maybe you can allow yourself to see why someone would spend hundreds and thousands of dollars on a car. 

Sammy closed the back of the car, with all your bags safely tucked in, and walked over to the driver’s seat. He saw you leaning back onto the seat with your eyes closed. He smirked behind the mask and sat down, swiftly starting the car.

“Still think this was an unnecessary splurge?” his mask had come off and he had that wide eye-crinkling smile.

“Maybe not,” you smiled to yourself. “How far is your place from here?”

“About an hour, with the school and office traffic now, some more.”

“My dead body will enter your residence, Kim Woosung,” you groaned and pulled at the seatbelt in annoyance. Both your mask and hat were now on your lap. Your head felt like the persistent beating of 500 drums all at once.

“Try to take a nap, I will play your sleep playlist,” he suggested. 

You could not move another muscle to bother with a response. His reply was like a command. With your eyes shut, you shifted your shoulders to place your neck relatively comfortably. The last thing you remember is the comforting, low hum of white noise filling up the space around you.

_______________________

You walked out of the SNU campus, your colleague and friend Samairah in tow. She is the reason you are in Seoul in the first place. You met at an academic conference in Edinburgh when you were still PhD researchers. Dr Samairah Nazli is now a full-time professor of Gender Studies at the prestigious Seoul National University. 

“It is just a contract for the coming academic year, Y/N! Come on! You will also get to spend time with Sammy.” You had scoffed back at your friend over the video call last November when she said her department wanted to invite you as a Visiting Professor for their newly-introduced Feminist Economics course and the existing Gender and Media course that a now-retired professor used to handle. 

But a week later when you found yourself in a virtual meeting with the Dean, Department Head and the Vice Chancellor, the opportunity did seem intriguing. They did want to eventually offer you a full-time position. You would be tenured at 32! Also, you can work with Samairah again, after working on your first book together, you knew you would work together again. 

And of course, you get to spend time with Sammy. One of your best friends. Kim Woosung of The Rose. But only Sammy to you. Crazy to think that you only met him about three years ago, at Friar Park of all places on the planet, but lord, did you love that dude to bits.

“Wanna grab a drink?” Samairah asks, as you both head towards the subway station.

“No, meeting the broker again.”

“This will be the 8th place she’s showing you?”

You shook your head as you dug in your pockets for the cigarette case. “No. Ninth.”

You lit a cigarette and said, “I really want to finalise a place and settle down before the semester begins.”

“Tough to do all that in what- 12 days now?” she counted the days mentally and grabbed the smoke you held out for her to counter.

“I wish I were a millionaire at times like these,” you took back the smoke and gave it a long drag as you stopped at the crossing. Samairah would go straight from here to catch her train and you will take a left and meet Hwang Seul-gi. Your realtor. Broker. Currently, the most important person in your life.

You could have opted to stay at the Siheung-Si staff residence for part-time and visiting faculties, but that would mean you would spend half the day in transit. And you hated transit. Motion made you sick. So yes, car trips with you are absolute joyrides for your friends. 

You also wanted time to work on the manuscript of the next book you are planning. And you want enough time to sleep. God, you wish to have a carefree night of sleep soon. Not that Sammy’s guest room is bad, it is comfortable, and luxurious even when you consider the free cuddles from Woolfie, but it still is not a place of your own. 

Although Sammy argued the opposite back when you told him about your year-long relocation to Seoul. He wanted you to live as roommates. Even offered you to pay for house-sitting in mirth, for all the times he would be away on tour. 

Again, you loved the guy. But his social butterfly stages of self are something you could take in small doses. You knew what his schedule was like, how many people dropped by for work at his home studio, and even just because to share drinks. But a whole year of it would drive you mad. So Sammy finally gave up trying to convince you and connected you to Seul-gi.

The lovely Seul-gi who yet again showed you a wonderful place, reasonably near the campus. But the deposit itself would require you to sell both your kidneys, maybe an eye and even a good chunk of your liver.

It was almost 7:30 by the time you left the apartment complex and headed towards Sammy’s place. You could take a cab, but the crisp late February air made a nice weather for a walk. You were passing through a park, almost deserted at the time, when you heard a noise that alerted you.

It sounded like someone was struggling. Some animal. You could hear low grunts, probably a puppy or a kitten, but you looked around and saw nothing immediately. The noise continued so you stopped and tried to follow the direction of the sound. 

You reached a bush at the side of the pathway and were sure that this was the location. But the sun was already down. Dim yellow lights sparsely lit the park pathway, enough for people to look and walk, but not enough to see within the bushes. 

By the noise you could now tell that there was also a metal scraping noise, but barely so. You turned on your phone's flashlight but still saw nothing. You looked around but saw no one. Trying your best to not step on any of the plants, you entered the bush and squatted down with the flashlight.

“Hey, are you okay?” a low but heavy voice from above you startled you and the phone almost dropped from your grip as you stood up to see who it was. A man donning all black with a mask, a cap and a hoodie looked right back at you. Only his eyes were visible and the eyes were filled with concern. In the commotion of your entry into the bush and stomping around, ever so mildly within it had now increased the noise. 

It sounded like a distressed kitten. You looked back down and could see one of the drainage grills under the dense foliage of the bush. You looked back up at the stranger and said, “I think a kitten has fallen into the drain.”

Before the man could respond, you squatted back down again and saw the drain and beady little eyes inside it clearly this time. You put down your bag beside you on the ground and put all your effort into pulling the iron rungs up. You could feel it move a little, but not enough to dislodge it. 

“Hey baby, don’t worry. I will get you out of there,” you cooed through your laboured breath. By now, the stranger had joined you. You both exchanged glances and without saying a word you went in and pulled at the grille together at the same time. It seemed a lot easier with the two of you having pulled at it. With one arm, the stranger shifted the grille aside. 

You peered down the drain and extended your arm to grab the kitten. The poor being was scared and cold and probably even more traumatised by all the strange and sudden commotion. You leant down completely, with your stomach on the ground and lowered yourself into the opening up to your shoulders to grab the kitten with both your hands.

The man next to you extended a cautious arm as if to make sure you don’t fall in. Well, the opening was not big enough for you to fall into. But you could get weirdly stuck. But soon he saw your body lifting up and his extended hand hovered over your body, never touching, but ready to help if needed.

You came back up with a feisty calico kitten in your hands who initially made a few tiny scratches on your palm but was now just shivering. The man beside you promptly took off the work jacket he was wearing over his hoodie and handed it towards you. How many layers is he wearing? A small part of your mind wandered, but you quickly grabbed it from him, giving him a thankful smile and wrapped the kitten up in the jacket and held her close to your body, for maximum warmth.

You looked down at the ground near your feet where your bag was and before you could bend over to grab it, the man swooped in and said, “I got this.”

After you stepped out of the bush, you turned to the man again and said, bowing politely, “Thank you for your help.”

“No problem at all. I have two cats of my own, I know the fear of losing them” he said in a calm but understanding tone. You looked at his eyes more closely while he talked, you could have sworn you had met him before, but didn’t know where.

You shook your head and replied, “Oh no, this is not my cat.” And then you explained the noise you followed. The man nodded his head and looked around probably thinking the same thing that you were. “Do you think the mother is around here somewhere?” you asked.

“If she were, she wouldn’t be too far away.”

You looked back down at the kitten, who had stopped shivering now but was still covered in a considerable amount of mud and dirt. You also considered checking if she was chipped and if the person could be notified if she was already a pet. “Do you know of any vet nearby? I am new here, so-”

“Yes, it’s on my way. I will drop you,” he held his arm out to point in the general direction of where you were headed to go back to Sammy’s. You started walking and the man joined you. Out of the park, and having crossed two traffic signals and taken two right turns, you reached the vet’s chamber. It was reasonably empty. You put your name in the register and waited. 

The man sat in a chair next to you but one. He looked over to see you making conversation with the kitten. Of course, she won’t be able to say if she lost her mother or forgot her way home. But the sing-song voice you used clearly worked. He could see the large dark beady eyes of the kitten staring back at your face with wonder and trust.

He too looked at your face with wonder and felt a strange sense of trust and comfort. When he saw a person climb inside a bush at a more or less empty park on a random Thursday evening, he half expected it to be a madman. But when he peered in and saw the glow of a flashlight, he grew more curious. 

He noticed how a part of your right elbow was scraped slightly, not that you seemed to notice. He also saw the muddy bits on your beige outfit. And then looked again at the kitten wrapped in his jacket, on your lap.

“Y/N,” the receptionist called out. You stood up and turned towards the man and gave him a curt nod. He blinked several times before nodding back at your retreating figure and gulped down a deep breath. Did you catch him staring? Even if you did, you didn’t let it show. Y/N. Y/N. He repeated the name in his head a couple of times. 

It was only after the doctor examined the kitten and told you that she has no chips, and is healthy but is slightly malnourished, that you realised you have so far, that is almost in 30 to 40 minutes’ time, not once asked for the man's name - the stranger in black, now at pet clinic reception.

You just followed a stranger through a dimly lit park and ended up where you are now. When put that way, doesn’t sound like the safest thing to do.

The groomers had taken the kitten to another room to clean her up. The vet wrote up some supplements that the kitten could be given and asked you to wait outside. You walked out and saw the man, right where he was, hugging your bag on his lap, scrolling through his phone. Cap, mask and hoodie - still intact. You went up to him and sat in the seat next to him but one. 

“Thanks for looking after my bag,” you smiled. 

The man looked up at you and held the bag out, you could see the crinkles of his smile near his eyes. “Is she alright?” he asked.

You explained whatever the doctor said. 

“Are you going to keep her then?”

Your eyes widened comically and then it dawned on you. You don’t even have a place for yourself. Where the fuck are you gonna keep her? And if the mother was still around, she would likely not be malnourished, so it is not like you can hope to reunite her with her mom. 

Sammy would not mind, for now, you knew. But Woolfie? How would he react?

Seeing you stunned, the man chuckled, “You hadn’t really thought so far, had you?”

“Not really. My immediate instinct was to just release the kitten. But she’s so small and frail, I cannot possibly let her be anywhere else. But-”

Before you could say anything else, one of the groomers approached you, with the kitten now in a cosy, little carrier, all clean and dried. And he carried the jacket she was wrapped in, in the other hand. 

You thanked him and then turned to the man next to you and looked guiltily down at the jacket on your right hand. “I am sorry about this. I will get it dry-cleaned and return it to you. And also, I am sorry I didn’t catch your name till now. I am Y/N Y/L/N," you draped the jacket over your other forearm and extended your arm for a shake.

“HI Y/N, I am Min Yo-,” he choked on his words before he cleared his throat and said taking your hand and giving it a firm shake, “I am Min Yong-Ho.”

You smiled back and walked out of the vet clinic. “I go this way now,” you pointed towards the left. 

“Oh I go the opposite way,” you could see the hint of a smile but also maybe apprehension.

You had bought cat food worth a week, food bowls, a litter box, litter pellets and a small cat bed. You requested the store to deliver the items to Sammy’s address. In the meantime, you had texted the bare bones of your encounter to him. So he was ready to greet a kitten into his home by the time you went back and for the time being had locked his bedroom door, where Woolfie was fast asleep.

You nodded and asked the man, “So, Yong-ho, how do I return your jacket?”

The man looked around, eyes seeming frantic, almost like a deer caught in headlights. Until finally he pointed at a cafe on the opposite side of the road. “How about we meet at that cafe on Sunday evening?”

“Sure, I will bring back a spick and span jacket, I promise,” you said and asked, “6 PM sounds good?”

“6 PM sounds perfect,” the man nodded and waved back at you as you went your way - the kitten in the carrier in one hand, his jacket in the other and your bag, now draped as a sling across your body. He doesn’t know how long he stood there. But he kept staring your way for five seconds longer after your silhouette disappeared over the horizon.

Taglist: @majiiisstuff, @starlighttaek8, @yoongrace

[rjmac211]

About: Reader (afab) was an idiot and answer Sam’s phone but she thought the Ghostface was a prank call and now she has shot up the kill list… or has she?

Reader’s POV

I groaned as I dropped my house keys for the 5th time. I just feel so tired, and I just want a coffee but I know since it is 9 pm Sam will not let a single drop of caffeine touch my lips. I love that woman but for fuck sakes I need to wake up especially if I have to deal with Quinn again. I mean fuck Sam has had me on the kitchen counter three fingers deep inside me in front of her and she still hits on me.

After I drop my keys for the 6th time I whined and hit my head hard on the door. “Fuck me,” I whined, and the door suddenly flew open, “with pleasure sexy.” Luckily, I caught myself before I could fall onto the floor or worse into Quinn. I groaned, “thank you for letting me in Quinn.” I walked inside flinching as her hand brushed against my ass as I passed her, “no problem. So tonight, just you and me. Tara is at a party and Sam has gone to join her. So Us… Alone… in my bedroom. How does that sound?” Quinn smirked and I rolled my eyes, “how about us… alone… you in your room and me in Sam’s. How does that sound?” I said and Quinn huffed as I made my way to the kitchen.

I turned on the kettle and got the coffee out. I walked to the mugs and looked for the one Mindy got me as a joke when I started to date Sam 10 months ago. As I found it I grinned. The cup had a cartoon picture of me and Sam on it and on the other side it says ‘Sam’s Future Baby Mama’. I blushed like hell when I got it but it was a very good cup and every time I used it Mindy would smirk, Tara would roll her eyes, Chad would grin at Mindy, Anika would shake her head, Ethan would blush, Quinn would glare at the cup and Sam…

Well Sam’s reaction was the best. It usually led to me being under her body with her cock splitting me in two and making me cum my brains out. For the first two months of us dating she wouldn’t let me see her naked in any state but that all changed when Quinn stated in front of the group that if Sam wasn’t woman enough to fuck me she would gladly do it for her. There are very few incident when I see fear cross the Woodsboro survivors faces but Tara, Chad and Mindy had the look of pure horror on their faces.

Thankfully Sam just stood up glaring at Quinn holding her hand out for me. When I grabbed it the tall goddess pulled me to her room. Mindy, Chad, and Tara ran for the door. Mindy dragging Anika with her. Leaving Quinn and Ethan confused. As soon as the door shut Sam had me pressed against it kissing me like a starving woman who wants nothing but to devour my body. That night she has me screaming and cumming. It was the best fucking introduction to Sam’s friend in her pants. Sadly, it didn’t stop Quinn from hitting on me no matter how hard Sam would mark me or make me scream while fucking me. Quinn would just not leave me alone.

When the kettle flicked off, I came back from my memories and started pouring the boiling hot water into the mixture of 8 teaspoons of coffee and 10 of sugar. I stirred ignoring the looks Quinn is sending me. I drank my coffee feeling the energy enter my body making me feel happier and excited for Sammy to come home. We haven’t had time to ourselves in 6 days and I miss the feeling of her body pressed into mine.

As I finished my coffee the door was thrown opened, and Tara stormed into the apartment then to her room. I frowned and looked back at the door seeing Mindy, Chad, Anika, Ethan and Finally Sam enter the apartment. I ran over to Sam and cupped her face, “baby are you okay?” I asked and dark brown eyes met mine and when I smelt the Soda on her I sighed and softly pulled her to our room. As we entered I stripped her off her sticky clothes and stripped my own making my way to the shower. “Come on darling let’s get you cleaned up,” I smiled.

We both got into her shower. I let the hot water run over both of us and I started rubbing the body wash into her body. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked and Sam sighed, “why are you with me?” I frowned looking up at the taller woman. “Sammy… there are so many reasons why I am with you,” I told her and she tried to look away but I moved her head back to me. “You are fierce, loyal, protective. The day you met me you stood in between a gang of bikers and me. There is no one I would rather be with. You went out of your way to save a stranger just because a group of guys were being forceful.”

“Anyone would have,” Sam whispered and I shook my head. “My boyfriend at the time was working at the bar babe and he watched as they were groping me. He even said if they tipped good they could have me for the night. But then this beautiful goddess of a woman took me away from that situation. We may have been friends for 3 months before we started dating but I had fallen for you that night. You are my perfect knight come to recue me. I don’t care what the world thinks because I know you Sammy.”

Sam cupped my face and pulled me into a kiss. I sighed and kissed back wrapping my arms around her waist. When Sam pulled back, she stared at me, “I love you.” I pecked her lips, “I love you too Sammy. Now let’s get you cleaned so we can go sought everything out with your sister.” I finished up washing her then started on myself, “you go get changed and check the mail. I’ll finish up in here then maybe we can watch a movie with the kids.” Sam sighed, “but what if Tara-” I covered her mouth, “I’ll deal with everything okay Daddy now go get the mail.”

Sam moans as the title leaves my mouth, “whatever you want Baby Girl.” Sam gets out of the shower and I washed my hair and my body then got out feeling refreshed after my day at work. You wouldn’t think being a Receptionist for the hospital would be so exhausting but fuck. I quickly got changed into a hoodie of Sam’s and sleep shorts. When I walked out I see Mindy and Anika on the couch. “Hey Manika,” I said and both girls turned to me.

“Hey Mama, how Father doing?” Mindy teased and I rolled my eyes, “what happened at that party Mindy?” I asked and when Mindy told me I sighed but I couldn’t fight off the smile after hearing about Sam tasering a guy in the balls. “Turn on the tv I’m going to get Tara,” I told her. I was walking to Tara’s room when I got blocked by Chad who blushed and moved aside. Quinn was behind him and winked at me as she passed.

I opened Tara’s bedroom door, “hey Tara.” Brown eyes not unlike her sister’s looked at me, “I didn’t mean to yell at her so much I was just angry and drunk.” I nod, “I know you don’t want to hear this Tara, but Sam really is trying. I know how bad it is when your siblings leave you in a really bad situation but at least Sam came back and is trying her best. Those years won’t be forgotten but she’s willing to do anything to have you in her life.” Tara looked up at the roof, “do you know where your siblings are?” Tara asked and I sighed, “my second oldest brother the last I heard of him was shot dead in a robbery gone wrong and my sisters both have husbands and kids. My oldest brother though the last I heard of him was when he tried to blow up my car a year ago.”

“Why did he try to do that?” Tara asked very confused since I rarely talk about my family. “One of his work buddies caught me on a date with Sam and since I still carry his last name, he thinks I’m a disgrace to the family and I’d be better off dead,” I explain. Soon Tara was in my arms, and I played with her hair, “it’s okay Tara just don’t tell Sam about the car blowing up. I know she is overprotective and can annoy you so much, but she loves you more than I’ve ever seen any siblings love each other. Don’t push her away honey.”

I kissed Tara’s head the got up, “now let’s go watch some tv.” I smiled and Tara took my hand, and we went out to the lounge Tara sitting with Mindy and Anika while I was in the single seater. I relaxed slightly and closed my eyes.

—————————————————————

All I could hear was the silence in my ears as I heard that there had been a Ghostface attack. Sam started telling Tara to pack up that we were going to leave. We? Maybe not me. Did Sam trust me? I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t but right now, I’m too focused on the fact that right now my friends the people I consider family are most likely going to be attacked in the next few days and I don’t know who will make it out alive.

When Sam’s phone starts ringing Mindy, Chad, Tara, Sam and I all flinched. It always starts with the phone calls. When Sam ignores it everyone relaxes but not for long. Maybe this is just a prank and it’s just gone to far. When Sam’s phone rings again I grab it and before Sam could snatch it off me I answer it.

Me: Hello, you’ve reached the murder me hotline how can I help you?

Everyone froze at my words.

Ghostface: You aren’t Samantha

Me: Great guess genius was it the southern accent that gave it away?

Everyone looked horrified.

Ghostface: What’s your favourite scary movie?

Me: Do you all ever get sick of asking that question I mean it does have anything to do with the killing so what’s the point in knowing

Ghostface: Answer the question before I decide to gut you now

Me: Final Destination if we are talking Horror movies by default but if not then I’m going to have to say Nightmare on Elm St the Original

Ghostface: So you know how to keep your eyes open that will help you in the end as I murderer all of your friends then stab you with the knife used to kill them

Me: No please Mr. Ghostface I want to be a final girl

Everyone kept the look of utter horror on their faces. Sam looked like she was going to scream.

Ghostface: You are no Sydney Prescott

Me: And you are no Billy Loomis. Haven’t you lot learnt by now in the end you always die. You attack people get a few kills in and then the final girl kills you and ends up covered in your blood

Ghostface: You talk too much

Me: I know that’s why sometimes Sammy fucks me so hard I forget the English language

Tara fake vomits and Sam blushes while everyone else just kept staring as if I had two heads.

Ghostface: So, you are the girlfriend little Y/N never wanted by anyone. How’s Mom and Dad? Oh wait you killed both of them

Me: Damn bring up parents? Tell me Mr. Ghostface is it Daddy Issues or Mommy Issues it is usually one of the two. I mean Billy had Mommy, Stu had Daddy, Roman had Mommy, Charlie definitely had Mommy Issues, Jill as well then we go to Richie who fuck by the way Sam is in bed probably had both and Amber well it’s almost like the 2021 Ghostfaces just said why have one when you can have both. So Mr. Ghostface what do you have

Everyone was silent including Ghostface.

Me: I’m going to guess Daddy Issues there aren’t enough Ghostfaces with Daddy Issues. So what was it huh? Daddy not love you as much as a kid did he never tell you he was proud of you

Ghostface: I’m going to gut you like a fucking fish

Me: Damn nail on the head Daddy Issues you know most people go to therapy instead of killing people or-

Suddenly the line went dead, and I took the phone away from my ear, “Jeez I was just going tell him or he could find himself a Daddy to fuck him stupid.” Everyone turned back to looking at Horror and Sam quickly threw her phone back on the table and pulled me into her. I felt her body shaking and I held her. “He… He hung up? Ghostface doesn’t hang up,” Mindy whispers and all three survivors were looking at me but Sam kept her face nuzzled to the top of my head.

“Fuck you are so dead Mama,” Mindy stated and I rolled my eyes, “guys it was obviously just a prank okay it’s Halloween and the killings were probably just a coincidence. The guys in it were creeps a dad probably found out one defiled his baby girl and killed them.” Mindy and Tara looked at each other then back at me. “Sam my Dad wants to talk to you,” Quinn said and all our heads turned to see Quinn was on the phone and is now holding it out to Sam.

“This can’t be good,” I said and sat down on the single seater again. Tara moved into the chair and laid her full body weight on mine while gripping my shirt. “Hey Tara it’s okay nothing bad is going to happen it was just a prank,” I told her but she just held onto me tightly. “Okay I’ll come in,” Sam finished the call and I frowned up at her. “They can’t seriously think you had something to do with this right?” I asked and Sam sighed, “number one suspect baby girl. Everyone stay inside while I go sort this out. Don’t trust anyone.”

Tara ran to her room and Sam came over and pulled me up and into her arms whispering into my ear, “don’t trust Quinn.” I cuddled into her chest, “I love you too Sammy.” Sam kissed my head, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” With that Sam left the apartment followed by Tara who I knew no matter what I said wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Does Sam really shut you up by fucking the English Language out of you?” Mindy asked and I smirked, “most of the time yes.” Quinn got up and slammed her door shut hard, “someone is pissed.” Chad said and I rolled my eyes, “yeah well someone should know that it was never going to happen. Come on let’s watch a movie.” Mindy’s eyes lit up, “Stab?” I rolled my eyes as Mindy set up the movie.

—————————————————————

I got a phone call from the Police station and I was out the door before anyone can stop me or even join me. I ran as fast as I could to the police station that was two blocks away. As I stopped in front I grabbed my inhaler and took a few puffs then made my way inside. When I got to the person at the front desk I slammed my hands on the desk, “where is Samantha and Tara Carpenter.” The boy looked terrified and ran around the desk and started to lead me threw the precinct.

As soon as I saw Sam I ran up and jumped into her arms. Sam wrapped her arms around me holding me close, “what are you doing here Baby Girl leaving the apartment is dangerous.” I pulled back and checked over her face then her body, “I don’t give a fuck.” When I concluded Sam was fine, I moved onto Tara who is now blushing at the attention. “Baby your heart is racing,” Sam whispered as her thumb traced over my pulse point.

“I ran here,” I said as I concluded that Tara was also not harmed. Sam was searching in her pockets quickly but I stopped her, “I already took it Sammy calm down.” Brown eyes looked at me concerned, “I’m okay.” There was a cough and we all turned, “Kirby.” Sam said and I looked the blonde up and down. She was about my height which is kind of strange to see but she’s more buff like by a lot. “Sam wishes I could say it’s good to see you but these are not good circumstances for reunions,” Kirby said.

“Sam didn’t do anything,” I spat, and Kirby turned to me. “I’m not here to play the blame game I’m here to catch this son of a bitch,” Kirby crossed her arms and I glared at the woman, “yeah but how many of my family will die before your team get their heads out their assess and stop pointing their fingers at my girlfriend.” My accent coming through the more I get pissed. “How do I know you’re not Ghostface and this is all an act?” Kirby smirked and I rolled my eyes, “I almost had an asthma attack coming here and let’s not forget it’s Sam we are taking about even when I try, she tosses me around like I weight nothing.”

“You love when I manhandle you baby girl,” Sam wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my neck. “Very much so Daddy,” I whispered, and Sam tightened her grip. “What if you are just the one making the calls while Sam does the killing?” Tara finally stepped in, “you don’t stop I’ll do some killing starting with the woman insulting my sisters.” I smiled and Sam kissed my head, “are we free to go?” Kirby nod, “we will be in touch.”

We walked out of the police station and that is when we were barged by reporters all screaming things. Until I heard Gale Weathers voice. I watched as she blocked Sam’s punch but not Tara’s. I grinned at the sisters and pulled both of them away to a cab. “I didn’t ask for this to happen!” Gale called to us and we all turned around and I raised an eyebrow, “weren’t you the one that wrote the book in the first place?”

Gale flinched, “Sydney isn’t coming. She and Mark are taking the kids somewhere safe.” Sam nod, “good she does not need to go through this again.” Gale took a step forward and I got in front of Sam glaring at the woman, “you better get the fuck away from my girlfriend before I break your nose and with the way you wrote about my girlfriend I might also fracture your eye socket.” Gale flinched hard, “I didn’t-”

“You called my girlfriend a psychopath that will snap at any moment,” I spat and Gale looked kinda scared. “Where did you find this one?” Gale asked Sam fear in her eyes and Sam smirked, “A biker bar. Calm baby it’s okay let’s go back to the apartment.” Tara pulled me into the cab and Sam turned to Gale, “leave us alone Gale.” With that the cab drove off.

—————————————————————

“Now our suspect list. Ethan the shy dorky guy that no one believe his the killer because he is so shy and dorky,” Mindy said and I smirked at Ethan tried to defend himself. “Quinn the slutty roommate-” I grinned, “horror movie classic.” Mindy smiled at me and turned back to Quinn, “I mean you obviously have a hatred for Sam and with all of us gone no one could stand in your way of what you want.” I shivered and moved into Sam more.

“Anika,” Mindy turned to her girlfriend who blow her a kiss, “never trust the love interest.” Anika pouts then Mindy turned to me, “Y/N-” I cut her off, “came into your lives unexpecting. Got very close to Sam very quickly was only friends for 3 months before I was her girlfriend. Barely any of you know anything about my past besides that I have a shit family. I’m very good at threatening people. Not to mention even with everyone that comes to me and Sam and tells me I should leave her and I still don’t. I was also the first person Ghostface hung up on which is unheard of so very suspicious. I know most horror movies like the back of my hand including but not limited to all the Stab films. Oh, and I am also the love interest to Sam who is the main target of these attacks.”

Mindy had her mouth opened and Sam was stiff beside me, “I mean I was just going to say you are a love interest too but that um was very detailed.” I shrugged, “I know when I’m a suspect and honestly I wouldn’t blame any of you.” Ethan huffed, “yeah well why aren’t you four suspects I mean Chad and Mindy your best friend stabbed you in the back. Hell it was Tara’s girlfriend who attacked her. Clearly that causes some problems and I mean have you seen the stuff they say online about Sam-” I swung my fist sending him flying off his seat.

“I forgot to add my bad temper to the suspect analyses,” I said and Mindy, Anika and Tara were smirking while Sam looked at me with pure lust. “Okay Sam and I are going we will see you all at the apartment tonight safety in numbers,” I grabbed Sammy’s hand and pulled her along with me.

—————————————————————

I was panting in Quinn’s room knowing I don’t have my inhaler on me. When the neighbour put the latter across I stabled it. “Sam go across now,” I told her and brown eyes met my own, “no baby you need to go first.” I pushed her to the window, “now babe I’ll be there soon okay.” Sam quickly crossed the latter and I grabbed Mindy, “come on Mindy you are next then I’ll send Anika across.” Mindy frowned, “Y/N you’ll never make it across the latter you can barely breathe.”

“Move it Meeks,” I growled and Mindy got on the latter. I knelt in front of Anika, “hey love interest number one.” Anika smiled at me shakily, “I don’t want to die.” I kissed her head, “you won’t die.” When Mindy yelled out she’s over I grabbed Anika and told her not to look down. It took Anika a lot longer but when she was in Mindy’s arms I was about to climb on the latter when the door burst open.

Ghostface looked at me waving his knife, “you know my history Mr. Ghostface you know stabbing won’t kill me.” He raced for me and I quickly rolled between his legs and ran out the door he just broke. “BABE!” I could hear Sam screaming. I kept running until I was at the front door. “Don’t worry Y/N/N I have other plans for you,” I heard the voice changer then I felt a stab in my neck but I felt more like a needle. I slowly started to feel too tired to keep my eyes open. “Sleep Princess and when this is all over you’ll be mine,” I heard Quinn’s voice and I whimpered.

—————————————————————

I can’t tell how long I’ve been in here but I felt cold and wet every time the shocks from the last electrocution went down they’d just shock me again. All I can see is darkness and the smell of old popcorn. It’s gross and I just want Sammy here. But if here is where I die then I can 100% say I do not regret how I got here. I will never regret Sammy and my time together I just hope she doesn’t take it to bad when she finds my body… if she finds my body. Ghostface will show her though I know it.

Suddenly there was light and I whimpered shutting my eyes, “it’s time Cowgirl.” Ethan grinned at me with a knife in his hands. “C-cow-wgir-l-l?” I was shaking and my stutter is only getting worse. “Well you are from Texas aren’t they just a bunch of cowgirls down there,” Ethan lifted me up out of the chair. “Come on time to see the bitch who murderer my brother,” Ethan spat and dragged me out putting his mask back on. He was basically dragging me down the stairs and when we got to a big theatre I see Sam and Tara surrounded by Ghostfaces.

“Y/N!” Tara and Sammy yelled and I was pushed to my knees in front of them, “th-this is b-b-bett-tter fami-ily reunion t-the-en my f-firs-s-st o-ne.” I stuttered and the murder in Sam’s eyes is enough to burn this place to the ground. “What the fuck did you do to her!” Wayne chuckled, “just a bit of Electro shock therapy she needs to be the perfect partner after all and she can’t exactly do what she has been doing.”

“F-Fuc-ck y-you,” I spat and Wayne glared at me, “see such a mouth but what did she say about her mouth?” I paled and one of the Ghostface’s chuckled. Quinn. “She just needs the English language fucked out of her,” I flinch and Sammy growled, “you touch her and you’ll see how much of a Loomis I truly can be.” Wayne laughed, “we already have… see you killed my son… my eldest son… taking your whore isn’t enough of a punishment.”

“Dad-ddy is-s-ssues tim-mes two,” I stuttered and Ethan growled, “I don’t have Daddy Issues!” I smirked, “y-you the m-m-os-st.” Wayne growled, “stop that she is for your sister. She at least managed to kill someone.” Ethan took of his mask, “it wasn’t my fault she would be dead if Quinn didn’t want her so badly.” Quinn huffed taking off her mask, “why jealous cause not even your Alpha boyfriend wanted your pathetic ass instead he wanted to go after his lesbian best friend.” I grinned to myself finding so much enjoyment in their fighting. “ENOUGH YOU TWO! Fuck this is why Richie was better then you neither of you can do anything right,” Wayne spat and cocked his gun pointing at Sam and Tara.

“Any last words?” He growled and Sam stared into my eyes, “I will kill ever last one of them for you Baby Girl and then when I’m covered in Quinn’s blood I will fuck you without protection until there is a baby inside you.” Tara huffed and Quinn roared running at Sam who quickly put her in a headlock grabbed Quinn’s own knife staring at me as she stabbed Quinn in the gut then ripped the knife threw flesh blood until I reached her neck then Sammy pulled the knife out and her wounds were spurting out.

Ethan and Wayne yelled out as Quinn’s body dropped to the floor lifeless. Wayne raised his gun but Tara kicked it out of his hand having moved without either man noticing. Tara grabbed the gun and handed it to Sam who smirked, “what’s your favourite scary movie Detective Bailey?” The older man now had fear clear in his eyes, “Stab.” He whispered and Sam chuckled, “can these guys not watch another horror movie?”

Suddenly both men attacked Sam took on Wayne while Tara ran up to Ethan tackling him to the ground pressing a knife to his neck, “we went in order didn’t we. First your older brother. Sam slit her throat open until he was choking on his own blood. Second was your older sister who didn’t know to not touch what wasn’t hers. Well you saw what Sam did. Do you know that is one of the most painful ways to die? Now it’s you turn Ethan. Die a fucking virgin!” Tara growled and stabbed the knife into his mouth and threw the other side of his head.

I heard a chuckle from Sam and looked at her. She had Wayne staring at his kids, “look at that. No wife because you killed her and because of you all your kids are dead. No one else but you in your bloodline. I’ll tell you what I told your eldest son as I slit his throat. You don’t fuck with the daughter of a Serial killer.” Sammy shot him in the back of the head his last sight of his dead son underneath Tara.

“T-tha-at was h-h-hot-t,” I stuttered and Sammy went around shooting them all in the head again. When Sammy crouched next to me she cupped my face, “I thought you were dead.” She whispered and I shook my head and Tara sighed, “I’m just going to say it thank god for Quinn’s obsession with you.” I rolled my eyes and Sam growled picking me up bridle style, “come on let’s go get her check out.”

“So you know if she’s healthy enough to fuck your baby into her,” Tara teases and I blushed while Sam chuckled, “exactly. A promise is a promise baby girl.” Sam purred into my ear and I moaned and rested my head against her neck, “not com-mpl-lain-ning-g.”

[vlerian-root]

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.

[that-one-weird-kid-from-school]

Oh me oh my, I really fucking hate time!

Yeah, I know, I have been complaining a lot about time recently, but even if I made 3 2-mile long posts a week for 5 months and 11 days straight about how much I despise time, that would only show a third of my pure hatred for time.

Every day I go to sleep; and every time I go to sleep, I never expect to wake up tomorrow, I never expect tomorrow to come, yet every time I do; every day when I am thrust into reality, it never feels right, it always feels like this shouldn't be happening, but I just gotta deal with that and wait until I fall back asleep only to eventually wake up again, wake up tomorrow.

Up until soon, I did not think of anything when I went to sleep, I wasn't expecting tomorrow, blissfully not thinking about time, but I now think about time, and the more that I think about time, the more I despise it; so recently, when I go to sleep, the only thing that I think about is how much I wished and begged for tomorrow not to come, to not wake up tomorrow.

But tomorrow always comes.

But today, I had a plan to outsmart time: if I willingly chose to sleep all day, then there wouldn't have been no tomorrow, because tomorrow never came, because I slept through all of tomorrow.

So that is what I tried to do, when I felt myself waking up, I chose to not open my eyes, I stayed in sleep mode, I stayed in my blissful state of mind where there is no time for so long; but eventually, I have been woken up at 1:30 PM, apparently, the package that I ordered has arrived; the plan has to go on hold, I need my beads.

And so, I went outside to get my package; on the way there, I got new string, and also, I saw an amazing notebook, it worked perfect for my plan; also, that was a fine notebook, and I know what I'm saying, I have seen my fare share of notebooks, I have a whole library of notebooks, that notebook was very thick, but sadly, it was a yearly notebook, so I need to wait for the next year to come.

That journey took a lot out of me, I did not drink any alcohol but, every minute that passed, I felt less and less sober, my brain is fogging up every moment that I don't watch piercing fail reaction videos; in the end, I went home half the man I used to be, but at least I got my beads; but when I checked the time, I saw that it was 5 PM, how the fuck did that happen, I went outside immediately after I woke up; the crazier part still was when I got distracted for about 10-30 minutes, it suddenly got to 9 PM, like, no fucking time has passed and now it's dark!

I swear, time really wants me to fucking die.

But, I can hear you from the other side of the screen, with your little nose, saying something like, "I get it, man. Time is an ever-present force that affects us equally. No matter how much we run away from it, we can never escape, time always catches up. And even if we die, time will still keep going; if the entire human race dies one day, time will still exist forever more. We are nothing but ants trying to lie in such an immovable reality called time." Shut the fuck up; you don't know what we're saying, you bitch-ass; go get some real problems and then talk to me.

Or you might be saying something like "what's your deal with time, dude? i get how it feels when you lose track of time and then it flies by. but when you pay attention to it, it is pretty reliable. i don't see why you hate time so much" To that I say: good for you, go sit in the corner right there and be ignorantly blissful and don't bother me; I don't want to explain to you the horrors that I experience every day, but in short, I have a fucked up sense of time, 5 hours ago genuinely feel like yesterday; and trying to make a reason to that is a fucking nightmare.

It really seems like time wants me to die earlier than I would usually do, but I won't do it yet, I have a job to do; if I hear another word come out of your goddam mouth, I swear to fucking god, I'm gonna punch your chest so hard that it breaks your internalized clock; we'll see who's laughing now when that constant ticking and tacking drives you so mad that it leads you into doing desperate actions!

I swear, this time thing is going to be the death of me...

[aerodaltonimperial]

so, when i could tell the writing was on the wall (lol) when it came to me and the publishing industry, i told my therapist that i needed to find something else to do with that time, and that i thought i might get really into running again. it seemed like a decent thing to do with my new time AND gave me the possibility to actually achieve goals and find success. he agreed whole-heartedly that this sounded VERY GOOD lol thanks bro you got my back. i decided i would join a seasonal running event through run across america (runs about 2.5 months).

i did the fall one last year! it was a great way to get me back into things again, but i set my goal as 50km and i just BARELY made it between vacations and getting sick. i set my spring goal at 50km again. it's been 2 weeks, and i'm at 35km already. ???? LOL looks like i'm going to need to up that goal to 100km. but not only that!! i am hitting sub-10 minute miles with WAY less effort than it feels like they should be. even on the treadmill, which i HATE and am so slow on because it's so boring, i can pound out 10-minute miles just to keep my speed through the bad weather spells when i can't run outside.

even when i was running 10ks, i never got down sub-10 on miles. i could hold a pretty decent 10:20 average mile pace, and would MUCH rather have run longer rather than faster. now, i have less time to run because of parenting (i can't run until 7:30 PM most nights) so now it's faster or nothing hahaha. and turns out, i can actually do that. i've gotten to some not super duper hard 9:20 miles which is really good for me. i'm SO happy that i was right. this is finally actual success! i feel good!! i'm seeing actual results from my hard work!!!! i WANT to run, half because i'm so desperate for those endorphins to feel normal BUT ALSO because i'm feeling so amazing after i do it knowing i've already come so far!!! i could cry. i'm so happy about this. this is BY FAR the healthiest thing i could have done in the wake of the fucking misery of losing my publishing dream. CONGRATS KATY ON FINALLY MAKING BETTER CHOICES IN YOUR LIFE. TOOK YOU WAY TOO MANY DECADES TO FIGURE IT OUT LOL

positive effects of this: the brain chemicals are the only thing making me feel like myself these days, which is quite huge. also i'm drinking WAY less beer because i know i have to run later. my clothes are fitting differently??? negative effects: MY FUCKING LEGS AND FEET HURT. so much fucking laundry??? i am so fucking HUNGRY all the TIME. i get sleepy and i collapse and i get nothing else done. i am COLD CONSTANTLY.

so if you wanna help pump me up!!!! i am feeling good!!! sometimes i don't want to go on the treadmill but i do it anyway and then i tell myself i have to keep going!!! this is the most consistency i have had since before i left japan!!! i believe in myself and everyone else, too!!! lol

[kanmom51]

JM Wlive 10 Feb 2023

cr./ to the creators of the media used by me in this post.

Where do we start?

Maybe with JM starting his live at 19:01 or 7:01 pm.

If numbers are your thing, well we get them here with the 1 and 9 and by using both 19:01 and 7:01 we can get the 11/8.

Just a little fun. Intentional or not.

So, what did we have in the 1:40 hr. live?

JM came to us with another arts and crafts live. I think that having that distraction, literally doing something with his hands, puts him at ease, which makes it easier for him to navigate the live without a constant need to look into the camera or even the comments.

JM starts off by telling us his album is on it's way, probably to be released in March.

This out today:

JM also hinted to look forward to something coming today, and et voila, we had his TikTok dance clip drop.

JM gave us something to not only dream about but also, just maybe, to actually look forward to:

..."wait a little..."

Just how little, is the question that comes to mind. Lol.

Is it something new, the dating requests? Or is it just a JK and JM new thing not only answering the question but also answering it similarly?

JM:

and:

JK:

JM was asked about his fighting with Tae.

Nothing or no one to fight over. Disappointing to some?

JM was also asked about Jin, whom he referred to as cool, and like JK, he confirmed that Jin is doing ok and at times is in touch with them in their group chat.

JM being the usual sweetheart that he is:

JM talked a bit about Sachwita and Yoongi, how well he's doing and how he hopes he will appear on the show when his album comes out.

Someone asked JM if he can motivate them:

We got a lot of JM mentioning JK, telling us stories involving JK, starting with thinking he saw JK's name in the comments.

JK didn't comment, but I can just imagine him sitting at home watching JM's live:

going all:

Same here JK. Same here.

Some of the songs we got during the live:

Vibe

Astronaut

Euphoria

And we know how JM looked out for JK during his Euphoria rehearsals and performances.

And we were lucky to get JM singing Euphoria too.

JM was watching the Euphoria MV

and talked about how well everyone did and how cold it was while filming.

That that

So, this was the cute/teasing version JM's talking about?

Lauv

Ok, so we all know they love Lauv's songs. Past and present. JK was singing Never not going to the loo in his live, lol. While JM had Better than this going in his live.

Flower works

Both JK and JM had Flower works going during their lives (respecting their hyungs doing their songs during their lives).

JM mentioned JK once more while talking about multitasking. I tell you, this man has JK on his brain.

JM made a couple of flowers to add to his previous lego flowers and then moved on to create a Valentine's teddy.

End product - Valentine's bear minus a nose, lol. Funny pick for someone who doesn't think much or care for that day.

I want to almost end my post with Sam Smith's Unholy.

Cause peeps, all claims that Jikook don't know the actual song (well, it was a claim made about JK, but same same to me), they don't hold water. Unholy clearly on JM's playlist. When it came on I was rofl. Literally.

What did we have there?

We had Unholy on JM's playlist.

We had JM's giggle as it came on, and then knowing that Jungkookie sang it in his live.

We had JM turning it off perhaps, so Jiminie-like, but then also continuing to hum it, lol.

So either he watched the live, either live or after, or he's on sm and saw posts about it or he heard about it from the horse's mouth?

And talking about Jungkookie...kind of felt JM had a hard case of Jungkookie on the brain during this live, the amount of times he mentions him, the way his whole face lights up, and the smile on his face... beautiful.

Finally, just for fun and giggles, but also a warm fuzzy feeling, let's end this post with just under 30 seconds of JK and JM mentioning the other in their lives:

I'm finalising my post after JK's boxing workout Wlive we are all gushing about.

Now I need to go count how many times JM's name was mentioned in that one and we need someone with good editing skills (not me) to go add those to this clip, which at just under 30 seconds doesn't even start to come close to the amount of times these two have mentioned each other in their last lives, all while the other isn't even there in the room with them, even when the other isn't even commenting in their live either (JM).

[lyriquette]

Old AU description from the Frosen Steel server 1/23/2021

This is where Salem also does the Ozma reincarnating thing. And they both end up in the same place, Penny's brain. I've fleshed out the beginning part in the Good RWBY aus, I believe, but I left the original piece here too for my own reference if I want to expand this. I don't think any one on Tumblr saw part 2 though.

I think this was around the Penny hack, so some of us in the server may have been a little salty about that. 8\

---

lilac — 01/23/2021 8:24 PM

An AU where Salem is forced to do the reincarnation thing as punishment instead of immortality, and Ozma gets punished all the same. They still wage their secret wars on each other using their reincarnations all the same.

After thousands of years, they finally meet each other on the greatest battlefield yet: Penny's brain.

lilac — 01/23/2021 8:46 PM

They both somehow reincarnate into Penny, and the first thing they notice when they awaken is that Penny's mind is unlike anything they've ever encountered before. Whereas most people just have a dark blank area to represent their unconscious mind where they typically hang at, Penny's mind is organized like a giant mansion filled with memories that occasionally transverses into the strange and magical depending on what fiction Penny has read for the day.

As soon as Salem realizes who she's stuck with, she immediately tries to murder Ozma on sight. Ozma meanwhile isn't taking Salem's shit after a couple of millenia. After failing to kill a beaten Ozma despite her best efforts , Salem just decides to wipe the mind she's in and take her chances with the next reincarnation.

Her magic wipes the entire mindscape into barren land, and the mansion filled with precious things disintegrates in her rage.

Nothing was left beyond the death she brought to this world. However, what awaited her was not the disorienting feeling of entering a new body but..

With a strange staticky effect, the world quickly reverts back to how it was before except a dark shadow now looms over the lands.

Salem looks up for just a moment and learns that she's not the one in control.

A giant hand as tall as her yanks her by the scruff of her robes and pulls her into the sky above the clouds. And soon she finds herself eye level with a giant red-eyed redhead staring at her with annoyance.

Salem tried to use her magic but all she could do was cast sparks, her powers suppressed by the clearly godlike being in this domain.

The girl just stared at Salem for a long time before making her decree.

"Stop that." With that said, the being vanishes, and Salem falls a couple of kilometers of height into the ground with a painful crunch. Hearing her once loved, now most hated foe laugh at her plight, she knew this lifetime was going to suck all kinds of awful.

-----

lilac — 01/23/2021 10:07 PM

The next day, Penny wakes up somewhat confused inside a half-derelict shack in Mantle. Surrounded by scraps and mechanical parts, she slowly drove herself over towards her both creator and father. Unlike canon, Pietro Polendina never gets a chance to show his genius to the people of Atlas. With Salem out of the picture, the Grimm were more of a nuisance than world-ending threat. Even a civilian militia can take them down with dust rounds, and thus more villages existed in Remnant.

Her father accidentally gave life to a mechanical android he scavenged several years ago with his Semblance and then chose to take responsibility for the life he created. Most of her torso and head had been retrofitted for more human-like features over the years, though her arms still needed work and her legs needed to be replaced for actual legs instead of the treads she kept hidden inside long skirts – and made others think she was gliding rather than walking. She guiltily accepted her dad’s gifts, knowing they didn’t come cheap – the technology such as the synthetic skin likely came directly from Atlas. Her dad was just a poor engineer who repaired Mantle’s heating devices and machines, helping customers who didn’t have much themselves. Her dad wouldn’t let her refuse – called her “the only thing he’s done right in his life” – so she chose to try and help him out to decrease his burdens.

Unlike her dad, she didn’t have the specs to doing anything dexterous; she was operating on extremely old hardware – the only saving grace was that the part that seemed to hold her soul, a strange amalgam of broken vacuum tubes and microchips, didn’t actually need to function for her to command her body – perhaps the only sign that she was not a robot and was actually a real girl. So instead, she helped more on the software end of things; unlike others who had to sift through lines and lines of code to find something wrong, she could literally see where the code broke down and generated errors.

In the tiny world that was her and the code, she was its goddess. Modifications and repairs didn’t take her much more than a thought or two. Sometimes she was sorely tempted to leave a bug in the software, so people would be forced to return to their shop in regular intervals. But it was just a thought; she liked to think she was her father’s daughter, and her father was an honest, trustworthy man.

Lately, she’d been working on design and animation, an unprecedented game that would run on a Scroll and connect to other Scrolls using the CCT. It was a project she’d been working for a couple years now, mostly during her sleep cycles.

She vaguely recalled some sort of catastrophic error occurring in the game world she’d been creating over the years. Those occasionally happened when she was implementing major changes like a physics engine or environmental damage, which she was implementing at the time….but she didn’t expect it would require a complete revert to reverse the damage. She had wanted to send the prototype game to her online friends, but the error had set everything back a week or two. She’ll look into it later.

Ring. Ring.

<IceQueen> and <CrescentRose> have joined the chatroom.

Speaking of….

---

lilac — 01/23/2021 11:17 PM

Penny’s known Weiss for two years now, ever since she popped into their shop with her younger brother in tow. She remembered that day clearly - how the fresh snow layered upon the ground unbroken as everyone stayed inside and celebrated the Vytal New Year.

She left her door open to air out the scorched scent of fried electronics she’d been experimenting on: it didn’t bother her, but her dad didn’t like it.

By the time she came back downstairs, she found the door closed with both Schnee siblings covered in blood.

From what she heard on the news later on, the Schnee’s shuttle had been hit with a rocket, and they crash-landed into Mantle. The whole thing apparently was a kidnapping attempt by the White Fang who were trying to go for Jacques Gele: the man had abandoned his kids in his escape and left them to fend for themselves. While most of the White Fang chased after the Schnee patriarch, some went searching for the Schnee kids through the city of Mantle.

--

After Weiss told her tale and about people chasing them, Weiss glanced at the flecks of red on her hands and suddenly realized something, her face becoming pale with fear.

“Whitley, stay here with the nice girl,” Weiss said hurriedly as she prepared to go outside, “I’m going to get help, alright?”

“But Weiss…” Whitley tried to stand up from the chair he was sat on, but his broken leg prevented him from doing so.

“I’ll be back, alright?” Weiss said with a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. She turned to Penny. “Please take care of my brother.”

Penny placed a steady hand onto Weiss’s shoulder, sitting her back down onto the chair she sat on.

“What are yo-“

“I won’t let you sacrifice yourself. You’re both going to survive this. We’re all going to,” Penny said resolutely as she rummaged through the junk pile near the door.

“But you’ll be in danger too!” Weiss retorted, “This isn’t a joke! They have guns!”

Her hand clenched around a familiar textured handle.

“So what?”

Penny smugly said, projecting more confidence than she actually felt. The blaseness of her answer stunned Weiss silent.

Knock knock knock!

“We know you’re in there!” a gruff voice called out from outside, “Will you do this the easy way or the hard way?!”

Before Penny could interject, Weiss yelled out, “Alright! Alright! I surrender! Just...just don’t hurt anyone.”

“You’re not in any condition to make requests, Schnee,” the gruff voice retorted. “We’ll give you three seconds to come out or else…heheheh,” said a second voice from outside the door.

“One!”

“Whitley, hide under here. Don’t make a sound,” Weiss ordered.

“Weiss…” Whitley got out before Weiss placed a hand over his mouth.

“Two!”

“…I’m sorry to have brought you into this,” Weiss said with a downcast look as she stood up and made her way towards the door, “...I’m Weiss. I never did get your name.”

“Three!”

“I’m Penny Polendina,” she replied.

Before Weiss could reach the door, Penny lifted a hand to block her. The long sleeves of her shirt fell onto her elbow, revealing the dark shiny gloss of metal. Weiss’s eyes went wide at the sight as Penny grasped onto the hilt of her weapon with both hands.

“And I’m not an ordinary girl.”

--

Crack!

The blow that broke the door open was not the pair of kicks from the henchmen outside but from the wide swing of the baseball bat she wielded. The full force of her swing carried both door and henchmen through the streets and crashing straight into a stone wall - a flicker of Aura signaled that she put her assailants out of commission.

Meanwhile, a pair of awe-filled gazes from the Schnee siblings before her made Penny feel extremely self-conscious.

“Ummm…maybe we should call the police now,” Penny awkwardly said.

------

[rianafying]

i’m sitting on the 51st floor of my friend’s apartment building, it’s a lounge area that looks over melbourne cbd and it is gorgeous, but the lights in this room are blinding. i’ve had a really long day and i’ll probably have an even longer one tomorrow but i don’t wanna leave this building. i feel safe here. i don’t wanna go back home. home is representative of my source of anxiety. home is messy and dirty. home is where the tasks await me. and i just can’t. so with my 48% battery on my phone, i will stay here for as long as i can. it’s already 10:31 pm. but it’s okay my house is a 5 minute walk away. i feel incredibly lonely tonight, like i’ve been craving some sort of romance. and ( very embarrassing ) physical touch. especially when i see or hear about other people in love, it makes me feel so alone. but this is not the time for me to date anyone. and i don’t really like the people i know. i have a therapy session booked for day after tomorrow, basically the day after this assignment is due. so hopefully my brain will be a little clearer by then.

i feel really sleepy and tired even though i overslept the last two days. it’s just that time of the month. pms and psoriasis. causing fatigue. i chopped off a lot of my hair today. didn’t really think it through but it’s fine. idrc. same when i dyed it black. i just do things and it doesn’t matter. it’s just hair.

my friend is really lucky she gets to live in this building. it’s quite a lot more expensive than my apartment. the one i live in is already too expensive for me but somehow i’m managing.

i sat super still for an hour so the motion detector wouldn’t catch me and the lights dimmed down and i stayed by the window for 2 more hours. i really didn’t wanna come back home but i was hungry so i did.

i had one of those chicken curry pies from woolies, i only bought them because they were on sale but damn they are so good, but normally they’re priced at 8$ for 2 pies which is out of my budget :((. but it’s okay i can make my own and freeze them.

2.75+4 + ingredients i already have i can make like a whole bunch of curry chicken pies. but it might not be as good as the store bought ones cause my little toaster that i use as a makeshift oven kind of sucks.

im still hungry, the little pie did not fill me up enough, which makes sense because i only had two tiny pieces of sushi in the last 30 hours. i’m craving another pie but i don’t have any. also something about having food with mayo makes me feel gross and oily. like it’s all over my face. i can’t stand it anymore. i’m so tired. i know ill be getting my periods soon because i have been getting cramps all day.

i finally found the time to open the bag of stuff my uncle dropped off because they’re moving and they no longer need em. there’s a whole bunch of sauces and spices in there. i wonder if my cousin bought these cause these are good ingredients. i’m kinda hungry but there’s nothing to cook at home. there’s pasta but it’s not gonna be substantial enough. i’ve been wanting to buy some parmesan for the longest time but it’s so expensive, and i go through it pretty fast because it’s too good not to. i also kind of like goat cheese, not really in pasta more with like fruit on toast. there’s a thing of frozen shrimp in my fridge afaik, but it’s stuck solid in with the ice layer in my fridge and i wrestled with it but i couldn’t get it out. i’ll just dump it out when i clean my fridge and let everything thaw. it will be okay. it was old anyway.

i’m just so hungry. but i’m just too lazy to make anything or get creative, or eat something i cooked. i wish there was like a sandwich or something i could eat rn. well there’s rice, surumi, wasabi, soy sauce, sriracha, mayo, chilli oil, carrots, and nori. but i just wish i had some cucumber. i’ll go buy some tomorrow along w some cooked shrimp. maybe the frozen cutlets. i kind of miss them.

[godsnameisjoy]

PEACE ADDICTION

Date: 18 February 2024

Duration: 63 minutes at 10:01 PM

Depth:

During last night’s meditation, I made an attempt to observe inner peace. It’s a first.

Since March of 2020, I have only drunk of inner peace during my meditations. It has been compulsive. Inner peace is so good that I couldn’t help but attach my attention to it through every meditation beginning end of March, 2020. And now, after nearly 4 years of drinking regularly of inner peace during my bedtime meditations, I still can’t say that I am an addict.

For 7 months straight beginning June of 2023, I have heard sounds coming from inside my head. It has been possible due to the blessing of interiorised hearing. I still don’t know my spiritual benefactor. Hearing, in the moment, the presence of life energy inside my head, has put my attention together. Mental imagery isn’t tiring me out anymore.

From the beginning of 2024, I am experiencing the phasing out of the meditational phenomenon of hearing the sound of energy in the brain’s blood vessels. Till a few nights back, I heard the faint movement of energy. Last night, I heard nothing. It genuinely felt as if the phenomenon has been completely phased out.

For the last few days, I have been visiting the Wikipedia page that has some material on the killing of Karna. He is one of the warriors on the wrong side of the battle of Kurukshetra. Interestingly, ‘Karna’ means ‘ear’.

In the absence of an attention holding kind of meditational phenomenon, I have nothing else to depend on other than inner peace. Despite attempting an observation last night, I haven’t been able to find a way to fill my conscious waking thoughts with a steady flow of inexhaustible inner peace.

I have a hip flask ready. I have memorised the affirmation for peace authored by Paramahansa Yogananda. That’s the flask. However, I am unable to fill those blessed words with the potent feeling of inner peace. I seem to be well prepared to turn into a peace addict. Sorry but I haven’t begun turning into a peace-oholic yet.

[therandomavenger]

What is Time?

I’ve been reading Jaclyn Paul’s Order from Chaos and it’s all about how you, as an adhd person, can organize your time and your living space. And it made me think about how I was structuring my days, and if I was doing that in the most efficient way.

I don’t really have much trouble getting things done lately. I make a schedule, and I pretty much stick to it. But it’s only been in recent months that I’ve zeroed in on what that structure looks like for me and why.

Research has shown that most people generally have about 6 hours of productivity in them during the day. For early birds, that can be from 6 am to noon, and then in the afternoon they need a little pick-me-up. I have never been good in the mornings, no matter how much I have tried to be. I used to think that I was a night owl, and night owls tend to be productive in the evening and nighttime, so like 6pm to midnight. And while I used to stay up that late a lot, I found that productivity was nearly impossible, because my Adderall wears off around 7pm and my brain turns to mush. I believe this is the technical term for it.

What I’ve discovered by a great deal of experimentation is that I am most productive from about 11am to 5pm every day. That puts me smack dab in the middle of the afternoon. I’ve never heard of there being ‘afternoon people,’ but I can’t be alone in this. My brain does not wake up until at least 10:30, no matter what time I actually get out of bed. And after 5pm or so, I can do mindless chores or watch TV or whatever, but if you want me to think deep thoughts about something, you’d better come back the next day. If I play with the timing of my Adderall dose, I can extend this to about 8 pm, but that’s a risky prospect. If something is really engaging, I can hang with it (which is how I deal with my D&D game, which can go as late as 10pm, but sometimes it is a struggle), but really, I shouldn’t be expecting myself to do anything major in the mornings or the evenings.

And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. We all have preferences for how we use and conserve our energy. If left to our own devices, we all have times of the day that work better for us. There should be no judgment for people who can’t function like others, even though our society seems to make not being an early riser a moral failing.

So, here’s how I need to structure my day.

When I first get up, I need two things: movement and sunshine. So, I need to get up early enough to take a walk outside to start the day. This really helps me ease into a productive state. On my walk I listen to audiobooks or podcasts, and I start thinking about what I’m going to write later, so I am not starting cold. I also like to schedule medical appointments early, so they are not taking up any of my productive hours. Would I sleep until noon every day if I had a chance? Absolutely! But I’ve learned that getting all of this stuff out of the way before expecting myself to do any productive work is best, so I’ve been trying to leave the house around 8am every day. This is especially important in the summer, because if I let it get too late, it will be too hot to take a walk outside. If I needed to, I could walk on my treadmill, but that is a last resort. I need to be outside, if at all possible. In the winter I have more leeway when it comes to time and have invested in a good rain slicker so I can take walks in the rain.

Then around 11am or noon, I start my hours of productive work. For me, this is when I get my writing done. I write for 99 minutes or until I’ve produced at least 2500 words, whichever comes first. (it’s 99 minutes because that’s the longest timer I can set on my Fitbit. It also dovetails nicely with my natural attention span). Once my drafting is done, I practice the guitar for 30 minutes, to give my brain a break, before spending an hour editing, if I’m in that stage with a project. This usually means I’m done with work around 3 or 4pm and can work on household chores or do something else that needs my focus.

My boyfriend usually cooks dinner after this, and I save enough energy to do the clean-up and dishes. The evenings we chill and watch TV or go shopping or whatever. And these days, I try to get to bed before 11pm. No more staying up doomscrolling until 4am!

This is the schedule that works best for me. It’s important to figure out what that looks like for you, so you can try to play to your strengths. I am fortunate that I don’t have a regular day job except when I work at the library 1-2 days a week (that shift is usually 11-2, sometimes 2-5).

It’s important to note that there’s no moral weight to any of this. Morning people are not superior to afternoon people or night owls. And sometimes, you can’t choose your schedule, especially if you have a day job and/or children at home who have schedules you might have to work around.

I also find that I need a lot of downtime in the evenings. Sometimes this is catching up with TV shows. Sometimes it is reading. But whatever it is, I need some time dedicated to not performing any productivity. It’s ok if I am productive, but it must be an accident.

Anyway, that’s what works for me. Your mileage may vary, of course. I think it’s interesting to talk about this stuff and consider how we’re all wired slightly differently. So, if it’s at all possible, figure out what your ideal schedule is and lean into it. If you have a day job that needs you awake and functioning at 7am, but you’re naturally a night owl, you might want to think about switching to something that is a more natural fit. I know that sounds like I think it’s easy. I know it’s not. I’ve found however, that I’ve been much more successful when I play to my strengths.       

[imhereforscm]

Good morning princess ( because i want to be creative) 😘

Hello hello, pudding😚😚😚😚😚💕💕💕💕💕 (let's be creative together, haha!🌹🌹)

It's 12:36 over here✨

Aaaaand I had plans for today, but they're postponed for later—if they even happen at all—so now I'm sitting on my bed, all dolled up and careful not to ruin my hair and I don't even know the fate of this hang out!😭😭 I might be doing all of this for nothing.🥲

But yeah, I'm running on two hours of sleep and this time, it is not my fault.

I fell asleep yesterday around 10:00 pm and I woke up at midnight, after I had a bunch of nightmares one after the other.

When will Morpheus treat me nice for once??? (Greek mythology jokes, haha😚) Like- Hypnos already did the first move, it's your turn now, bro! Follow daddy's lead.😩😩 (No. Genuinely. Hypnos is Morpheus's father.)

And I wasn't in the mood to sleep again after all that😒

Btw, last night, I turned my phone off and hugged my stuffed owl tight, ready to head to sleep....

✨✨And a Hue fic idea rose.✨✨

So if all goes well, I'll be working on the Hue fluff for today and maybe even post it.😘😘

(also, yesterday I got a new book idea and my brain was like: "Let's work on it now, let's work on it now, let's work on it now, let's-" "We already have a novel for editing, another for translation and another one that's not even a complete first draft!" "So?" "... No. Just not yet. And—you don't even have a full plan! What are you going to work on?!" "Who said I'll work on it? I'll just leave you banging your head around and pulling out your hair, trying to come up with something, like I always do.")

I hope you all had and will keep having a wonderful day, babes!!😘😘😘💕💕💕💕

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

110:53 pmpt 30 April 2023 Sunday ☀️

10:54

last September? I went to the hospital 🏥 by ambulance 🚑. They held me for 7 days? My period was overwhelming. They didn’t want to have me see the gynecologist. Maybe 🤔 I was being irrational now that I think about it. But they didn’t say Bcz of my period. They made it sound like I had to go somewhere else even though they were holding me there. I complained about it. And I felt like I was punished for complaining. The same nurse I complained to put very cold feeling liquid into my ivy and my hand 🤚 hurt a lot when she did it. I thought maybe the liquid did it but I’m not sure. After she put that in my pee went back to being brown again after I had made progress and it had went back to a normal color. 10:59 pmpt

hypothesises... sometimes I have to write something out to see if it makes sense. 11:02 pmpt

11:03 pmpt reasons of others motives/feelings (now I don’t know if I’m making sense) are hypothesises. I can write here a lot of hypothesises based on observed actions and experiences. 11:04 pmpt

11:08 pmpt seems like people are waiting for me to die. Even my hotel 🏨 with locking 🔒 the windows 🪟 and not moving us to a room without mold. That’s fine I can die in bed 🛌 I’m sure that will be a huge turnoff for all future guests of the hotel 🏨 I’m staying in. They can take the blame for my ☠️ death ☠️ . I pointed out mold under the sink and it’s been 3 days of inactivity. 11:10 pmpt they really want me to be mistreated and poisoned. 11:21 pmpt and wonder if someone is paying the hotel 🏨. 2 people already opened my room door 🚪 while I was in my room half naked.11:12 pmpt they’re not moving us for some reason that seems very strange to me. 11:12 pm pt. If everyone gives crappy service then nothing will be good? Anymore? Everything will be crap 💩? 11:13 pmpt

2:10 am pt 2:13 am pt

4:20 am pt I am really hoping that whatever I did, didn’t cause any damages, and that they easily recovered. It’s weird bcz I did nice things b4 I had that fling in 2001. I did not use lethal force. It’s weird that all that stuff happened AFTER 2001, AfTER my online affair with “Brendan.” 4:23 am pt

8:23 pmpt unfortunately I see the method dot the madness now I guess sorta. Why he paired 11 year old dugard to very old garrido. Incubus has no intention of stopping 🛑 human s*x trafficking. I’ve been tricked. Tricked into fighting for a cause that looks like it actually doesn’t need to be fought Bcz this is done ✅ Bcz god demon angels said to do it. I can see it and feel it already why he’s doing these things to my head. He is going to shoot me it looks. In the head. He keeps torturing my brain 🧠 with acid. 8:27 pmpt he wants me to think 💭 I’m not acceptable. He wants me to believe I’m not perfect. So I’m perfect for sacrifice for possible child rape when I was 4 years old. That it’s not the other way around. That they did not make me into trash 🗑 to make me think 💭 I was trash 🗑 so they can justify making me hump Mickey mouses plush toy 🧸 head when I was 4 years old. If there’s a hole 🕳 in a plush toy 🧸 and you can see the stuffing/filling peeking out you might want to observe your child 🧒. 8:31 pmpt

10:39 pmpt acid in left ear 👂 pain. I wish he would have shot me 6 years ago than torture me the way he did. 10:41 pmpt incubus really hates me even though we probably had phone ☎️ s*x for half a year. He really doesn’t form any attachments like that. He was so sweet. I guess he knew it was not meant to be Bcz he lied 🤥 about his identity so why form an attachment to someone you have no intention of coming clean 🧼 to face to face? 10:44 pmpt there are some things I should not have said and I felt shame for a lot of things. I lost friends and I guess it was Bcz I was weird and said the wrong things. And he holds everything against me. Every thing. 10:46 pmpt

10:48 pmpt I was, unfortunately, another whore to pass the time. There’s no way that him and I would have had a relationship. He has been abusing me and showing me a lot of HATE. 10:50 pmpt

10:51 pmpt why would he suddenly need me to believe I’m his wife? To save his own face about the phone ☎️ s*x, and possibly slip in a confusing confession that he probably raped me in his incubus form. A cowardly form of confession. Bcz he might slip up 🆙 and say it and then he can pass it as a joke out loud and not have people wonder 💭? 19:54 10:54 pmpt trying to figure him out. But it can (brain 🧠 acid hot pain 10:55 pmpt) never be Bcz he’s a liar 🤥 and now married to someone else. So of course he would try to pass it off as a joke now. That’s his psychological escape plan. To make it go round and round. 10:57 pmpt

10:57 pmpt I wonder 💭 if they teach that at French woods camp ⛺️ in New York. 10:58 pmpt

[scarlettriot]

Breaking Point - Locked Out

Pairing: Hockey Player Eijiro Kirishima x f!Reader

Warnings: CURRENTLY: NOTHING besides cursing - I'll post warnings per chapter but please be aware smut will happen, along with other adult themes. Minors, please do not interact.

Contains: Fluff <3, mentions of alcohol & makeouts

Summary: College was full of interesting people. Particularly one large man who got himself locked out of his apartment whilst bleaching his hair...

WC: 919

A/N: PLEASE READ THIS! I decided since my smut piece, Breaking Point seems to be being enjoyed, I thought I'd let you guys read the first little bit of the fic I pulled it from. There is a whole lot more to this story that I'd like to post in time but, I hope you enjoy these pieces of it for now.

THIS IS A QUIRKLESS AU, ALL CHARACTERS ARE SOPHOMORES IN COLLEGE!

Thanks!

It wasn't unusual to hear people at all hours of the day and night where you chose to live. And, in the month you'd lived in the off-campus housing, you'd gotten pretty damn good at tuning it all out.

Looking back, you laughed at the ridiculous image you had when first applying for the two-bedroom apartment with your best friend. You'd be off the university campus, out of dorms! It'd be nice and quiet, good for studying. Only people who pay this much extra would care about their grades!

Ha.

You couldn't have been more wrong.

The parties were constant. Usually smaller during the weekdays but the moment Friday rolled around, you swore the drinking and debauchery didn't end until the wee hours of Monday morning. So, when you arrived home at 10 PM on a Friday night things were only just beginning.

You climbed the stairs up to the third floor, walking around people shotgunning beers, tossing a football, and a full on makeout session just to get to your door. Number 309. Home sweet home.

"Guys! This isn't fucking funny!" Just three doors down from you, a large man was banging on the corner apartment's door with his fist. Despite everything going on around you, his frustration was heard loud and clear. "If I don't wash this stuff out it's gonna burn my damn hair! Come ooon!"

So, the pink-tinged towel around his shoulders wasn't some drunken fashion statement. That was when you noticed the shine of goop in his hair, light purple, bleach. He continued yelling but whoever was on the other side of the door obviously wasn't listening or they just didn't care and he gave up after about a minute.

"Just gonna go wash it out at the damn locker room and hope for the best." He grumbled as he walked by you with a quick, "'Scuse me."

The words fell out of your mouth before your brain had a chance to close it. "I have a functioning shower."

He stopped and it didn't go unnoticed that he was the tallest person in the hall, maybe the broadest too. Slowly he turned around with a finger poking the center of his very broad chest. "Me?"

You nodded, deciding it was too late to spin around and pretend like you didn't just offer what you had. "Yeah. Bleach can be unforgiving. It'll take you at least fifteen minutes to get to any of the sports facilities and your ends will be fried by then."

The man beamed brighter than the damn sun. "Thank you!" You opened the door and flicked on the light. Fumbling with your bags, you opted to just set them down on the loveseat and walk him down the short hall to the bathroom. "The blue bottles are for color-treated hair. And, sorry, I don't think the showerhead's gonna be tall enough for you."

He might have looked like a large, beefy giant, but when he smiled, you didn't find a single thing intimidating about this man.

He visibly resisted the urge to palm the back of his neck since bleach. "I'm kinda used to ducking in showers by now. This is great. Really! Thank you so much!"

"Right then. I'll just leave you to it." You gave your best, please-don't-like-I'm-awkward laugh and started to close the door.

"Uh, wait a sec, this is bleach. Do you have a specific towel you want me to use? I wouldn't wanna ruin a good one."

Pretty smile and thoughtful. Well, that was a lethal combination. You muttered about how obviously it would stain everything while pulling out one of your own dye-covered towels from the hall closet and handing it over to him with thanks.

The moment the door closed, your stomach let out a fierce roar in hunger. "Yeah, I hear ya." You grumbled and returned to your bags. Moving around the kitchen, you put everything away and only left out what you needed to make a modest dinner. Well, you'd make enough for Suka too, whenever she'd get home.

You ended up prepping enough for a family of six, just like always.

The water to the shower shut off just as you were adding rice to the pan and shortly after, heavy footsteps were heard from down the hall. "Where would you like your towel?"

"Oh, you can just leave it on-" You looked over towards him and your mouth nearly dropped open. He bleached his hair so you expected maybe a nice blonde, platinum even, but what you were looking at was a man with shoulder-length Cheeto orange hair. And again, your mouth spoke before your brain could stop it. "That, um, that sure is a nice shade of orange..."

His lips set in a straight line. "'S not finished. Some people like the Dorito look, I'm not one of them."

You just chuckled and took the towel from him, shooting it into the hamper back in the bathroom. "I look forward to seeing the end product. Whatever it might be."

He thanked you again for saving his ends. about to walk out of her apartment in his bare feet, "If they're, uh, still not letting you in, you're welcome to wait for them here. Until you prefer waiting out there in the insanity."

"You've been really sweet. I'll go check and let you know regardless."

It was only a few minutes later before he was knocking on your door again.

"Are ya hungry?"

[godsnameisjoy]

KEEPING AIM

Date: 5 July 2023

1 Duration: 37 minutes at 10:42 AM

2 Duration: 51 minutes at 10:41 PM

Depth:

It was nothing but discomfort that I have felt for a few sessions now.

An important part of the epic Mahabharata is the battle of Kurukshetra. In fact, right at the start of the battle is the conversation between Arjun and Bhagwan Krishna. The conversation is covered in the holy book Bhagwad Gita.

Arjun and his son Abhimanyu fight from the good side. One of the chief strategists on the bad side is Jayadratha. He is the cause of Abhimanyu’s death. Jayadratha has mastery in rearranging battle formations in an unconquerable manner. Abhimanyu’s death makes his father Arjun take a vow to kill Jayadratha.

The day comes when Arjun begins fighting the ever changing formations put in place by the expert Jayadratha. Then comes the day when Arjun says ‘Enough! Either I slay Jayadratha before sunset today or I commit suicide.’ Arjun begins to get tired battling.

Bhagwan Krishna creates a false sunset by the miracle of a solar eclipse. Jayadratha comes out from behind his battle formation to rejoice. Arjun takes aim and Jayadratha dies.

Not all the bad guys in the Mahabharata die. It’s interesting to note that after the battle, one of the baddies is actually left wandering lost in a forest. But Jayadratha dies. And he dies in a moment. He has died at the exact same moment in the Mahabharata since the Mahabharata has been written.

I think Jayadratha is the personification of the human response to fear. I strongly believe that the variety of ways in which we respond to fear is much larger in number than the list researching psychiatrists have come up with. It can’t simply be fight, flight or freeze. There are so many ways in which we survive each day.

There is a point when we say ‘Enough! Either I immortalise today or I die.’ Then again, when I think of it, it seems so simple. Unless one kills one’s desire to keep the body going, how does one use the body to seek immorality?

It was comforting for me to find out that in the month gone by, I have advanced enough as a meditator to hear sounds in my head. To hear sounds in the head after one’s spinal Kundalini has been stirred is a sure sign of advancing. The type of sounds associated with opening of some chakras has been well documented in ancient Sanskrit writings.

So in-depth are the Sanskrit writings that there are many translations available on the internet. And many more commentaries on those English translations have been put together as articles freely available on the internet.

If you ask me, hearing sounds in the head is nothing but freely rising life energies activating certain brain cells. The activation is such that one hears drum beats or other sounds coming from one’s own head. So far, so good.

Guess what Gurudev Paramahansa Yogananda has to say about the head with regards meditation? He says to keep the head straight up and to keep the attention ‘between one’s eyebrows’. Ever since the other night when I was disturbed out of the depths of meditation to the shallow surface of observing my immediate environment, I have been keeping my attention between my eyebrows.

Somewhere between the eyebrows lies the exit gate of the third eye. I can’t afford to miss my mark this time. The third eye is an exit for all the life energy that’s floating up to my head. My head will be able to take only so much of Peaceful energy and after that the head will have to open the blessed portal for energy to stream out.

Both the meditations from yesterday felt like me dunking my brain in a Peace mix and then returning to mundane chores to find some brain cells lost to Peace. My thoughts aren’t running the same 48 years old course anymore.