#nothing in life is easy! i have to do difficult things in order to experience payoff! i am perfectly capable of this!

[muffinrag]

i want to play pathologic but my haruspex run is going sooooo badly. like i know it's supposed to be bad but it's just so bad. also i just feel kind of sick to my stomach all the time rn and it's not fun to play such a difficult game when i feel like shit

[headspace-hotel]

some times i see people talking about the Earth and climate change saying things like "now i know it is difficult to deal with utter hopelessness, terror, and visiting the thoughts of death"

and it's like wow I am so deeply sorry about the suffering. but...concern. Concern. Tell me, am I missing something important? Why do I feel a sense of hope for our planet? Am I a lonely fool? Have I been consumed by naïveté and misguided optimism?

That would be weird. It feels weird. It feels like I would be well suited to despair. My natural temperament is Mortal Terror making my body crushed for a thousand years at the bottom of the deepest trenches of the ocean. I've thought before "I can't live any more. This exceeds the tensile strength of the human spirit."

And then? After irreversible catastrophic failure of the soul, there is...what?

We try to imagine the future where we fight to save our home and it is very painful. The resistance feels so small and the machine of death feels so vast. But something's missing.

Everyone else is missing—the plants, trees, bugs, beasts, and creatures. Hello? Are the other humans seeing this? Nature wants you to know that she is not a princess in a tower. Look! Look at the chaos moving through every cell! Iterating! Adapting! Becoming! Thriving! Watch the pollinators tirelessly at work, observe the mycorrhizal network in the forest floor distributing the rich fruits of decay and photosynthesis for every inhabitant! Pay attention! We belong here too. They feed and shelter us, give us the very air we breathe, and in return we plant and propagate, cull, thin, and burn, shape, trample, till, shepherd and sprout seeds. Our species can look toward the future, to the world of our descendants. We can call every plant and animal by name and teach our children to use and care for them responsibly. We can feel this anger, pain, and grief on behalf of the family of Life, OUR family, and we can love the smallest beetle and the humblest moss.

Look at it! This thing is nothing like me, it does not benefit me, it has no use or purpose for me, but LOOK at it! Look at its intricate structure! Look at the marvelousness of its behaviors and biological functions! Look at its uniqueness throughout the whole universe! Look at it, and see its infinite value!

I saved a baby tree from the scorching hot gravel of a parking lot. I watched it grow and thrive in the hands of its caretaker. Many more followed, trees and herbs and flowers, rescued and carefully placed in cups and old tubs that once held yogurt and sour cream. This is so strange, I thought. They're everywhere, offering themselves for free, and no one thinks to take them. Everyone thinks transplanting a tree is hard and that nothing grows on the edge of the pavement but weeds. But it's so easy??? This is weird. Plant Nurseries Hate Her: Get Free Plants With This One Weird Trick.

I protected an old barren garden patch where nothing had thrived from being mowed and weed-whacked, and transplanted little plants that I found. I marveled at the bees that came. Chicory bloomed, then asters and goldenrod. I shed actual tears over a spicebush swallowtail. I ordered some milkweed from the internet, and the monarchs came for them. Less then twenty-five bucks for a divine experience like this. Wow, everyone else really needs to know!

I started volunteering at a nature center, and was allowed to transplant flowers where they sprouted in inopportune locations. I collected tons of seeds all fall and winter long.

There is much, much more, all of it bigger than I ever would have imagined. But this spring there were more birds, in number and in species, than I'd ever seen in my back yard before. Chickadees, swallows, finches, nuthatches, jays, cardinals, warblers, sparrows, woodpeckers of every kind...I remembered just a couple years prior when all I ever saw out there was a couple grackles or starlings or robins, with the occasional sparrow. Those birds come in flocks rather than couples now. And then the bumblebee arrived. An American bumblebee, endangered now, a queen. For a few days she was always out there, would fly out and buzz around me when I came out to tend to my now-innumerable plants. It's nesting time for them. She chose this place I was creating. She saw that this place would take care of her.

A week ago, I discovered wild strawberries growing in my Mamaw's driveway. I found lyreleaf sage growing beside a gravel road. I've become a master of transplanting; I took several of each home. Yesterday, I saw a tiny, metallic blue bee, an Osmia mason bee. Today, I saw an oriole and a strange, very fancy fly. I see something new almost every day. Every day I am being irreversibly changed as a person. How did I ever fail to see how much this matters?

I said I feel hope...do I feel it? I don't think it's a feeling, I think it's a practice. It's being part of our communities and our ecosystems. Nature's interconnectedness is both reality and example: to survive, we take care of one another. And when one member of the community helps another thrive, it creates a cascade that increases the thriving of all. Just by existing, you help us all survive.

You can only take care of so many plants before you have to give some away. You can only hold so much knowledge before you have to give it away. I gave seeds to a dozen different flowers to my next-door neighbor and she invited me inside and wouldn't let me leave without food, and we talked about plants and trees. A family friend lets me have goats' milk and heirloom vegetables in exchange for help around the farm, and I listen to him talk about trees, bugs, and soil and learn so much I feel like I'm about to explode from knowledge.

Being a caretaker is unavoidably a community-oriented, community-forming thing. You can't grow plants all by yourself. Your garden will make too many tomatoes. Share them. Your milkweed will make hundreds and hundreds of seeds. Spread them. Wild blackberries invite you to take and eat. Your lonely retired neighbor invites you to talk and keep her company. Once you grow delicious fruits or little oak trees, you always have a reason to greet someone and say, "Look, it is a gift!"

We're not alone. We are not separate. We take care of each other. Every species, every individual. A single action of caretaking creates a cascade effect of thriving. A single unapologetic love for a creature creates a blossom of curiosity and fascination in everyone surrounding. It's so powerful.

As my chemical romance says "I am not afraid to keep on living"

[rinainshadows]

How to Manifest: for Beginners

I had received a question on how to begin manifesting and realized that it also would be beneficial to have my own "tutorial", for lack of better words, to pin on my page. For any personalized manifesting or shifting advice, feel free to send an ask on my profile.

The Law of Assumption

The Law of Assumption is a theory first proposed by writer, speaker, and mystic "Neville Goddard". Neville insists that we are the creator, or operant power, of our reality. Reality is "us" pushed out. He postulates that God, the universe, or whatever higher power you may believe there is; is within us. Every assumption we have about ourselves or our life's circumstance that we believe to be true has manifested into our "3D", the physical, tangible reality. Everything, good or bad, that you assume to be true manifests into the outer world. That is the Law.

So how do we take advantage of this Law? How do we actively create and take control of our physical realm? To quote Neville: "Now can you believe that you are now the man that you would like to be, though at the moment of the assumption, reason denies it?

"Can you perceive a scene, which if true, would imply the fulfillment of your desire? You can of course imagine it, but can you believe it?" What Neville is alluding to is that: in order to experience the thing we want to have; money, a relationship, a career, a different life completely; we must assume to already have it. "My assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into fact."

Everything has already happened. Everything that you can imagine exists. It exists in the plane often referred to as the "4D". This is our inner world, or imagination, and where the "3D" receives information from. I don't want to dwell too much on the "3D", "4D", "5D", etc. I can make a post breaking them down if anyone's interested, but, they are just terms that you'll often hear in the community. Don't get too hung up over them.

How to Manifest

1. I want something. Be specific. "I want $1000. I want to be in a relationship with so-and-so." 2. Imagine that you have it. Imagine a scene and the feelings associated with having your desire. Feel the money in your hand. Give life to the image you have of it. If you cannot visualize, that's okay. The feeling is the important part anyway. 3. Know it is done. That was the shift. Now you just wait for the 3D to bring you your manifestation. Persist in knowing it is done regardless of the ways the 3D might try to dissuade you. Regardless of how your mind might make you second guess yourself. This is the time to affirm. This is the time to meditate.

It really is this simple. Ease? Well, that depends on how difficult you make it. Keep in mind that everything in our 3D reality is based on our assumptions. This is the Law. The Law doesn't care how bad you want something. You must believe that you have it and persist in knowing it is coming.

There is always a delay when manifesting. It can take time for the 3D to process information that is coming from higher planes. Whether that be two seconds or two weeks, it's enough time for doubts to accumulate. You MUST know that if you truly have something that nothing is changing that. I'm going to tell you something I wish I heard early on:

To believe you have your desire is to know you have it now, as you are. As imperfect or "undeserving" you may think you are; that doesn't matter. You do not have to work hard for your desire. You don't have to do a million methods. You don't have to go on this big journey and learn everything before you can do it. You can start now. Hell, you already started as soon as you became conscious.

For beginners, I do encourage you to start small in your journey. I'm not discouraging you from manifesting big things. Just be mindful that you've gone your whole life being programmed to think "it can't be that easy to get ____." Well, it is. However, when we manifest things we are really attached to or seem really big; early on it might create an environment where we are less likely to believe in our capabilities. Even experienced manifesters get doubts. So, baby steps are always good.

But, don't let me tell you what you can and can't do. If you have an incredible self-concept and believe you can have whatever you want then please don't let me stop you! It's all up to what you believe in. Even doubts, or beliefs that you think are limiting you, aren't. Again, I want to re-emphasize that you don't have to become the person that has your desire. You already have it as you are. Embody it.

I don't want this post to be super long and I certainly don't want to over-complicate manifesting. If you ever get doubts or struggle with the 3D circumstances, I have posts delving into that topic that I will link. I might even make this some sort of master post as I make more related posts. Remember that you are capable. If I am and others are, so are you, because we are all interconnected.

I believe in you,

ℜ𝔦𝔫𝔞

Links:

How does the 3D and 4D work?

The Ego in Manifestation: Validating Doubts Instead of Suppressing Them

Meditative Practice for when Doubts/Negative Thoughts Arise

[heisenberg-simp257]

60, 156, 158 for Karl ❤️

I love your writing!

Thank you so much!💖

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simpler Times

It's easy to forget the war outside when the life you have inside has so much more to look forward to.

#60 “I made dinner for us.”

#156 “It soothes the baby when you talk/sing/tell a story to him/her/them.”

#158 “I can’t wait to hold him/her/them.”

Contrary to what people believed, Heisenberg did care about others. It's just that the spectrum of who those others were was very little. Very rarely will some human spark enough interest in him for him to even bother about their lives.

I guess you were special.

To this day you were still trying to figure out why Heisenberg kept you alive. Sure, now you guys had a relationship built on love and trust that took several years, but what started it? What was it about you that sparked interest in that unique head of his? He'll probably never say because he probably doesn't really know.

But it doesn't really matter anymore. Heisenberg was a man who moved forward without dwelling too much on the simple things of the past. And now, he had too more so than ever. Life had a meaning to him now.

You asked him to do a simple task, one that involved sorting clothes. He didn't even have to fold them. All he had to do was put the clothes in three simple piles.

Yours (fairly large).

His (pitifully small).

And the baby's (horrifyingly large).

Discovering you're going to have a kid is one thing, especially when it was never a part of your future plans, but actually prepping for said kid is a whole other level. He's never seen so many different shades of pinks and purples in his life. It made him want to vomit, even though he was actually happy at the news.

It was like a sign from above that he needed to focus more on his life instead of on the lives that caused him evil. As soon as Heisenberg got the news, he got a calendar. Then he dusted off one of his old ultrasound machine things that he used on his experiments in order to get a better look at the baby.

He may not be a doctor, but even he could tell it was a girl. So, you guys prepared for a girl. It made things more real.

And it also made it to where the Lord of Metal was sitting on a bed sorting through clothes as he cursed under his breath. If the other lords saw him now, they would surely laugh because such a simple task seemed so difficult for him. However, his misery was cut short as you called for him.

"Karl!" Hearing his first name still makes him smirk a bit, but he follows your call regardless to the kitchen. Once there, the smell of laundry was replaced by the smell of your cooking.

“I made dinner for us.” You announced, placing some plates down on the dining table. Your smile was radiating, but Heisenberg found his eyes tracing down your ever curvy figure as well, now heavy with child.

"You are a saint, you know that?" He said with a grin as he sauntered into the room, placing a kiss on your cheek.

"You tell me a lot, so yes." You giggled as you gently maneuvered yourself around the kitchen to finish setting up, him helping you. He looked a bit tired, but nothing new about that.

"Did you get everything done?" You asked, referring to the task you gave him while you made dinner. Heisenberg chuckled to himself as you guys finished setting up.

"I don't know how you do it all. You are one hell of a woman." He complimented and you blushed.

"In more ways than one." He added, eyes looking farther away as a slight smile came to his face. Absentmindedly, your hand went to caress your baby bump, a smile coming to your face as well.

“I can’t wait to hold her.” You mused, picturing your daughter already in your head. However, Heisenberg's smile vanished a bit as another thought came to mind. Your smile left your face as well when you noticed his solemness.

"Karl...what's wrong?" You asked gently, reaching over as best you could to grab his hand. Dinner could wait at the moment.

"I'm just...afraid. You're so soft and gentle while I'm...not." He admitted his fears to you, something that took forever to accomplish. His thumb gently stroked your knuckles as he took a deep breath.

You nodded.

"It's okay...to be afraid. It's all so new to both of us." You tried to comfort him, but he just scoffed a bit.

"Yeah...I just don't want her to be afraid of me." Heisenberg admitted with a side eye. You squeezed his hand lovingly.

"You won't. You want to know why?" You asked with a small smile. He looked up at you, seemingly confused before nodding a bit.

You reached over to grab his other hand and place it on your belly.

“It soothes the baby when you talk to her.” You stated, smiling lovingly at the man who helped you create a miracle.

He looked lost for a bit before the baby kicked slightly against his palm. For a moment, he was shocked, but then a wide grin broke out on his face.

"Really? You like listening to your old man?" Heisenberg cooed, an unnatural sight, as he rubbed your belly lovingly. It made you blush and your heart swell.

Against everything in his life, Heisenberg finally found something to be happy about. You just hoped that he wouldn't overthink things in the future.

It's nice to hear him talk to your unborn child more often.

The war outside rages, but inside his home, he has found closure.

[silentcrowsilentravens]

Hello. I've been thinking about the daughters + Donna being ordered to kill the reader by MM but ending up finding themselves unable to go through with it.

I'm also thinking about this now.

Decided to leave the endings open :P

Donna Beneviento, Bela Dimitrescu, Cassandra Dimitrescu, and Daniela Dimitrescu being ordered to kill the reader by Mother Miranda, but finding themselves unable to go through with it.

(Gender ambiguous).

Warnings: attempted murder.

Masterlists here!

Donna Beneviento

Donna's grip on the knife is unsteady.

You would probably wake up if she weren't shrouded in one of her illusions. You would hear her ragged, uneven breathing and poorly muffled crying.

Donna doesn't want you to see her. She doesn't want you to know that it's her.

This is undoubtedly the most difficult thing she has ever been made to do.

This will not be the first time she has taken a life. There have been those who ventured too far onto her property with ill intent.

Then, there were times when Mother Miranda pressured her into conducting Cadou experiments.

There was the gardener. He was first. It was an accident. One that still haunts Donna.

After her parents passed, he practically raised her. He was all she had.

She killed him.

And now, she's going to kill you. Because if she doesn't, Mother Miranda will. Miranda will draw it all out and make you suffer.

Donna will make it quick. You'll never even see it coming. This will simply be a sleep you never wake from.

She stands at your bedside, weapon at the ready. She can't put this off any longer.

You look so peaceful.

...She can't bring herself to move.

She can't do this. Donna has watched too many loved ones be put in the ground before their time. She isn't going to let you be one of them.

Suddenly, her illusion breaks.

The knife drops to the floor with an audible clatter.

The sound causes you to stir, and your sleep-addled brain slowly begins to process the sound of loud sobbing.

"...Donna...?"

You find her on her knees, folded in on herself with her palms flat on the hardwood.

"Hey... what happened? What's wrong?" You're beside her in an instant.

Donna grabs onto the front of your shirt and pulls you closer to her, burying her face against you. You can feel your collar quickly growing wet.

"I-I'm sorry! I can't—I c-can't do it!"

You tentatively wrap your arms around her. "Can't what? What are you talking about?"

"I-I—Mother Miranda, she wishes you d-dead... and she wants it done by m-my hand..."

You can feel your stomach drop. It is only now that you notice the knife on the floor.

"But I c-can't—I can't bring myself to go th-through with it... Please forgive m-me..."

"Donna..." You can't find any words. Your brain has yet to even fully process all of this.

Suddenly, she pulls away from you and looks you in the eye.

"Listen, if y-you love me as I do you... then you will leave and never return."

Bela Dimitrescu

Bela does not disobey. When something is expected of her, she does it without question.

So, of course, when Bela learns that the Mother Miranda has something to demand of her, she fully prepares to carry out whatever this thing is.

But then the order leaves Mother Miranda's lips.

Do it, she tells her. Or I will.

For a short while, Bela carries on as if nothing happened during that meeting. As if she doesn't have the weight of this task now resting upon her shoulders.

There shouldn't be any weight, shouldn't be a pit growing in her stomach as time goes on. Killing has been something that's always been natural to her. She's slaughtered many, and she's found it easy. She's found it fun.

However, this is different. Because you mean something to Bela.

You know, it's funny, she never thought she would get so close to a human. In the beginning, when she began to grow fond of you but still kept you at arm's length, it was because she was afraid of something like this happening.

She's had nightmares about things like this.

She has to go through with it, though. She doesn't have a choice.

When Bela decides to get it over with before this eats at her any longer, before Mother Miranda does it for her and you're worse off for it, she finds you out in the courtyard. She ignores the harsh bite of the approaching winter as she walks up behind you.

For far too long, she stands there, unmoving.

You must eventually sense her presence because you turn around and jump slightly. "Hey. You scared me."

"My apologies," she says softly.

"It's a bit too cold for you to be out here, isn't it?"

"I'm fine."

Concern immediately overtakes your features. "I can see you shivering, Bela. Go bundle up if you want to be here! I don't want you to catch your death out here—"

Bela lets her hand fall from the handle of her sickle, the last of the resolve she built crumbling.

She can't. She cares for you too much.

She speaks your name, cutting you off. "...I need to speak to you about something important. Let's head somewhere more private."

Cassandra Dimitrescu

You know something is... off well before the incident. Cassandra seems like she's trying to avoid you, and when you are around her, she acts cold and distant.

It's frustrating. You haven't the faintest idea what triggered this switch in her and she won't tell you. You plead and beg her to just talk to you. Even if she wants you to piss off, can't she just say that instead of keeping quiet and staring past you with this unreadable expression on her face? It hurts.

It hurts and Cassandra knows that it does.

She seldom feels guilt, but this eats at her despite the fact that she doesn't stop.

This is necessary. All of this is necessary.

If Cassandra doesn't do this, then Mother Miranda will and you'll be even worse off.

If she doesn't pull away, then she can't do this at all. Cassandra has never had to work up the nerve to kill someone before. Half the time, she hardly even thinks about it before she goes through with it. Often, she draws the process out. But, by the Black God, Cassandra is struggling to find it in her to kill you.

It will be easier if she breaks the bond you've spent building with her first, right?

When the day comes, she seems to have all but vanished from the castle.

That is until she's pushing you into a room and shutting the door behind her.

You stumble a bit but catch yourself. "Cassandra?" you utter in confusion.

You can't see her eyes. Her head is ducked down and her hood is casting most of her face in shadow. No words leave her lips. At this point, you don't know why you expected any different.

Slowly, she begins to close the distance between you, wrapping her hand around the handle of her sickle.

"...Cass? What are you doing?" Your back hits a wall. "Cassie?"

Cassandra stops just a foot short of you, finally pulling her weapon from its sheath.

And suddenly, you find it in yourself to laugh. It is quite possibly the most strained and shakiest laugh you have ever uttered, but it leaves you regardless. "I guess I'm right, then."

Shut up, Cassandra thinks. Stop talking. This is already hard enough.

"You've finally gotten bored with me, huh?"

"No."

Your gaze darts from the sickle up to her face.

"No," Cassandra repeats. "I told you I would never."

She'll make this as quick and painless for you as she can. In a flash, she raises her sickle and swings it at you.

You brace yourself.

She...

The tip of the blade strikes the stone beside your head.

She...

Ugh!

"Damn you." A tear slips down Cassandra's cheek. "Damn you and what you've done to me!"

She waves her weapon towards the door.

"Leave."

You don't move.

"Leave! Do you hear me? Get out of here! If I ever see your face around this village again, I won't let you leave alive!"

Daniela Dimitrescu

Daniela has always been brazen with her affection for you. There's no doubt about that. She always goes out of her way to ensure you know how much she loves you.

However, you feel as though Daniela has been extra affectionate lately.

As in, you're starting to suspect that something is going on.

You've brought your concerns up to her more than once, but received similar answers every time that all sum up to this: Nothing is wrong. Why would something be wrong? Daniela just loves to love you!

Okay, you think. You're worrying over nothing.

(If something was wrong, Daniela would probably just tell you, anyway. She usually does. She doesn't like to keep her feelings inward).

But one day, as you're passing by her room, you hear crying.

You stop and knock on the door. "Dani? You alright?"

You can hear her sniffle before she goes quiet for a moment.

You aren't supposed to know. You're supposed to be dead, but Daniela keeps putting it off.

She decided that she wanted to make your remaining days as pleasant as she could, but all the time she's been spending with you has just made this task feel even more difficult.

Briefly, a thought passes through the back of Daniela's head. She could take you by surprise here and now. She could.

She has to. She needs to do this before it's too late.

"...Daniela?"

She eyes the blade sitting on her bedside table.

She slowly reaches for it...

Then lets her hand drop back onto the bed.

"No," she finally says, her voice cracking. "I'm not."

"Can I come in?"

"...Yes."

The moment you open the door and cross the threshold, Daniela practically launches herself at you. If the doorframe wasn't there to catch you, you would've fully toppled over. Her hold is a tad bit crushing.

"I'm sorry," she sobs into the fabric of your shirt, "I'm such an awful girlfriend."

"No, you're not. What are you talking about?"

"I am! I've been lying to you!"

[horse-girl-anthy]

Anthy as a Personification of Cruelty

short essay under the cut

both Enokido and Ikuhara have spoken of Anthy as a symbol of reality, or character used to signal that reality is entering the drama. as reality is cruel, Anthy must be cruel, and she is aware of many cruel realities. she is the rose, the beautiful and short-lived flower, which grows in tandem the cold thorn of disillusionment.

it's not a mistake to read Anthy as having personal feelings; in fact, much of the anime is about uncovering and allowing her to express personal feelings. even though she is often ambiguous and remote, the audience is clearly given glimpses into her worry, fear, despair, unhappiness, and pain, as well as love, hope, and desire for connection. what makes the characterization so compelling is that in tandem with Anthy-the-character operates Anthy-the-symbol, or Anthy-the-plot-device. the story revolves around her humanization and freedom from the narrative, yet within each script, Anthy is used like a puppet to keep the story moving forward.

Akio is a similar character, and at first, it seems they are serving the same aim of bringing reality into the drama, as Akio shows the duelists "the End of the World." a less interesting show would have stopped with him. it could have been a story about how the world is a corrupt place, the strong take advantage of the weak, and at the end of the day, that's all there is. but at the true "End of the World," the end of the show, who does Utena find? Anthy. Akio kept everyone running in circles; Anthy brings the system crashing down. why is this?

I think that Akio represents "false reality," while Anthy represents "true reality." in a way, they are both stunted and immature, but Anthy, by her very being, her knowledge of the Swords of Hate, is beyond Akio; she has an alien, unimaginable perspective, due to truly knowing what suffering means. Akio doesn't suffer on an profound level, he's just driven himself to self-pitying madness. basically, he's making Anthy's problems about him and his failure to be the prince.

so Akio is the false god who keeps his adherents dazzled by false enlightment, but can't impart true change; in fact, he resists it. resisting change is also a part of the growth process. perhaps Anthy and Akio are siblings because they both must "work their magic" for the narrative to play out. the "false maturity" stage presented by Akio may be the necessary prescedent to Anthy's "true reality." however, as Akio demonstrates, it's possible to just stay in false adulthood forever. Akio refused to touch Anthy's true self, or the swords that plagued her (unless he could use them for his own power). he wouldn't share her suffering; he was afraid of the cruelty she embodied.

the show is essentially about Utena and the other characters moving closer and closer to awareness of suffering, often represented through Anthy, but eventually swallowing up Utena. the final conversation of the Student Council focuses on the cruelty, coldness, and unfairness of the world, which they know will fall upon the selfless.

the cruelty that Anthy embodies is not malevolent when seen this way. it is something that must be faced in order to truly grow up. it hurts to experience it, but it is in fact is the only way to leave Ohtori. Anthy ushers in both Mikage and Utena's difficult graduations, for instance. she is hated for the truths she carries, but her cruelty is not without purpose. she cannot see a world beyond her suffering, but without her, there would be no way to reach that other world. this is because suffering is inherently a part of life, along with many other cruelties, such as separation and death.

I'll end with a quote from my favorite novel, Tehanu: "he would learn [pain] again and again, all his life, and forget none of it. And therefore he would not [...] do the easy thing to do." this perhaps gets at the core of the issue: Akio does the easy thing, the thing that costs him nothing, because he does not know pain. Anthy has to bear pain alone, and so her world revolves around her suffering. Utena learns pain and will never turn her eyes away from it again, and Anthy, no longer alone, can step into a world with a future. true maturity is reached in communion with others, and a true adult is someone who can take in the world as it is and continue living. heroically and with style, when possible.

[baltears]

idk how else to describe this like i think the kind of traditionalist/hyperliteral read of buffy not catching feelings for spike until late s5/s6 just misses the level of iron grip buffy keeps on her feelings. apropos of nothing other than seeing this read one too many times and im not up on my buffy meta scholarship so forgive me if im making the same points everyone and their mother has been making for the past two decades

keeping tight control over her feelings is not something buffy started doing after a certain point, it's a behavior she has coming into the pilot bc we see that at that point there's already a level of emotional distance between her and joyce (not only re the slayer stuff and the later retconned-in betrayal & invalidation trauma from being thrown in an institution when she tried to tell her parents the truth, but also for instance the intensity of buffy's distress over the divorce). she already has a home life consisting of not voicing most of her difficult and 'close to the chest' emotions. when she tries to be genuine in a way that asks for space for her frustration or anger or more 'selfish' feelings, this is often not met with understanding (worth mentioning that giles does a MUCH better job on this than joyce for the most part, but other characters including willow and xander respond poorly a substantial number of times). as a result she is well practiced at suppressing emotions that are too inconvenient or complicated to feel acceptable to verbalize, so she tends to just kind of whistle past things that feel hard to tackle until she reaches a point where she can no longer bear to ignore them. this is a core part of her canon characterization that is also visible at many points in buffy's relationship with angel (s3 comes to mind, when she spends a good chunk of the season operating under the convenient belief that they're in a functional platonic friendship when she subconsciously knows they are still too hung up on each other for that to be feasible). so like we know this is something buffy does. it is not at all unusual for her to feel things that she keeps beneath her conscious awareness + does not allow herself to process and admit to having felt until well after the fact.

this takes me to the oft cited point that from the first time she interacts with spike, there is a different vibe happening than is typical for buffy and vamps. it just feels very obvious to me that from basically minute one (or maybe more accurately from their first fight, when she isn't so much on the back foot) she registers him on some level as a person who happens to be really interesting and hot, but has a fairly easy time of it keeping this feeling out of her conscious awareness bc 1) he's also an unsouled vamp, meaning she can choose to dismiss his personhood as nonexistent and his personality as mere performance or game-playing (ie he is not a 'real' person, therefore the relationship need not be acknowledged as 'real' either – taken to extremes in s6 when she has to actively abuse him and continually reaffirm his lack of humanity and lack of worth in order to sustain the self-told belief that she doesnt see or experience his personhood and doesnt feel a human connection with him), 2) they're mortal enemies, 3) he likes to be really annoying on purpose + as a vampire also has a baseline level of generally acting like a bit of a creep, and 4) for much of their relationship she has other romantic objects on whom she can more acceptably focus her attention (insert reference to spuffy being a queer coded relationship here).

i think this state of noticing-slash-not-noticing persists from 2.03 through s3&4 and into season 5. by then she is so good at studiously ignoring how weird and flirtatious and intense their dynamic has always been that the revelation that spike is now acting very obviously like hes in love with her, to the extent that someone else could notice, takes her totally by surprise. getting more specific idk how else one could possibly explain how her ass was acting in something blue pre-spell, like i absolutely canNOT see buffy behaving like that around any other vamp literally ever. they were both being so unceasingly annoying with their creepy little flirty back and forth that both giles and willow were completely over it and just wanted them to shut up and stop paying so much attention to each other. ig the point im getting at is i think it's weird and dont get it when ppl seem to read buffy's character as if shes basically just saying the things she feels and vice versa rather than like regularly and even habitually lying to herself, bc i just don't think that's in line with the character that we're shown. buffy SAYS for a very long time that she doesnt care about spike and basically says and does everything possible to deny that she has any attachment to him at all, but frankly i think the level of aggression and frequency with which she expresses variations on that sentiment in and of itself gives the lie to that idea. anyways i think she was down bad pretty much immediately and just took a very long time to let herself notice

[arrancxr]

i love your blog sooo muchhh<3 could you give us something about human!friend/SO inviting Espada (minus Starrk,but add Barragan and Tesla,if possible, please))) to eat in some nice dining place and order whatever they want? let say this place offer really high quality food but nothing extremely fancy or crowded so Espada won't feel extra pressure here

Barragan

Though he starts out rather disgusted with the idea of entertaining any period of time in a human establishment, assurance that the place is worthy of his status as a king is enough to have Barragan at least tolerate it. And in the end, it's not bad at all. The food and entertainment put him in a good mood— even more so because of your efforts to please him.

Halibel

She's definitely one of the better ones at fitting in. Whether she's nervous about being in such a public place or not, Halibel is good at staying calm and not making a big deal out of it all. You clearly think this is a good idea, and she has faith in you not to put her through anything miserable. Your company makes the whole situation much more enjoyable— it's the best part, really.

Ulquiorra

As you'd expect, he's kind of a brat about the whole thing. Ulquiorra is perfectly open about how pointless your idea of a date is, and his unimpressed commentary only stops when the first bite of food cuts off all complaints. He's a lot more agreeable after that, though he's still not going to admit it. It's surprisingly easy to drag him into this kind of thing again with the promise of a meal.

Nnoitra

Deeply uncomfortable with existing in the human world at all, Nnoitra isn't exactly having a good time on this date. He likes being with you a lot more than he'll say, but it's still difficult to feel anything but way too conspicuous in such an unfamiliar setting. Expect plenty of grumbling about what a dumb idea this was. The words lack any real anger, though... and he doesn't try to leave.

Grimmjow

He's far from the best at behaving himself in public, but the restaurant date isn't bad at all. So long as nothing gets him agitated, Grimmjow isn't going to complain (too much) about having a nice meal with you. He's not self-conscious even with humans around, and the food is definitely distracting him enough to prevent problems. Chances are, he'll want to do this again.

Szayel

He's absolutely thrilled about your plan— the entirely new experience is both perfect for gathering data and just plain entertaining. Though he's not as good as he thinks at blending in among humans, Szayel is clearly having a wonderful time with the food and unfamiliar environment. He very much appreciates your effort to show him parts of what would be normal life for you.

Aaroniero

The public location is far from his favorite thing. Why couldn't you have stayed in your home instead of this? The food serves as a decent distraction, though, and Aaroniero's skills at mimicking someone else's behavior mean that he's fitting in just fine. He'll grumble about it plenty once you're done, but in the moment, he's a lot happier about being there with you than he'll admit.

Tesla

This... does not feel right. Being in public in the human world is slightly uncomfortable, to begin with, and Tesla feels even more out of his depth in a nicer restaurant like this. He's not going to complain, though, so that leaves him just trying not to embarrass you. There's no way he's acting properly human, but the food is wonderful, and your company eases his nerves quite a bit.

[theconcealedweapon]

A lot of people say this, but many of them are not the type of people who it's safe to open up to.

What a lot of people don't realize is that suicide is not a light switch. It's often caused by pain that seems survivable at first but over time slowly gets more intense or slowly gets less hopeful for the pain to end. At what point during that timeline is someone considered suicidal? At what point should they open up about it? What happens if they open up too early and it ends up being a false alarm and they worry people for nothing, get accused of exaggerating, or get involuntarily committed to a hospital?

Also, many suicidal people could easily save themselves if they understood exactly why they were suicidal, which means that helping them requires acknowledging that their experience is difficult to explain and not jumping to conclusions. But many people who say that they want to help are often the first to jump to conclusions.

I was suicidal because of a party I was at where someone went out of his way to make it seem like I was bothering anyone I tried to talk to. This would have completely thrown off my ability to read people and made me feel like the world was a better place for people like him than for people like me, which would have been deadly when the pandemic started and the painful memory was combined with the loneliness of the pandemic. Thankfully, when I was about to leave that party, two of my friends reassured me that they loved me and wanted me to stay there. They saved my life. But before I understood what happened, I had very powerful feelings for one of those friends (even without consciously thinking about that party). At first it felt like just a crush, but it was so powerful that I could die from it. The feelings I had for her made perfect sense after I realized that she saved my life, but before then it felt like I had an unhealthy obsession with her. So I tried everything I could think of to get my mind off of her, and nothing worked. Being autistic made it much harder, because understanding my emotions and connecting with other people is much harder for me than it is for the average person.

One time, when I was stoned and saying random things to my sister and my mom, I ended up mentioning how traumatic my experience was for me. In an attempt to explain how traumatic it was and how I had to force myself to do things that my brain was not meant to do, I said that after what I've been through I'd probably be able to solve the feud between my other sister and my cousin.

At no point did I plan to do anything, or think it was a good idea, or want to do it, or think it would be easy. I simply mentioned that as a random hypothetical scenario as a comparison in order to illustrate how difficult my experience was. But my mom and my sister started yelling at me. They went back and forth repeatedly yelling "No" at me, probably about five times each separated by a few seconds each time, while I was sitting there silently trying to figure out what was even happening.

They knew that I have a disability that makes confrontation difficult for me, and they also knew that I was stoned at the time and barely able to hold onto a thought for more than a few seconds. They knew that anything I said was just words put together, and that I was unable to make any sort of plans at the time. But that didn't matter. They still felt the need to massively overpower me just because I mentioned something once that they added a hidden meaning to. For some reason, they just had to interpret "I probably could do this" as "I insist on doing this and I dare you to stop me". And on top of that, explaining why they didn't want me to do it (or what they thought "it" even was) never crossed their mind. They just saw something that seemed like an opportunity to gang up on me and they jumped on it.

And because of that, I could no longer open up to them. I was going through something that was nearly impossible to explain on so many levels. And they showed me that if I open up to them, my first priority has to be analyzing what I say in advance to make sure they don't attack me for it. I was already burning myself out by doing an amount of thinking that my brain was never designed to do, and they made it so I had to do even more thinking in order to stop them from making it worse.

But they're the type of people who would share this photo. They're the type of people who society considers compassionate. They're the type of people who would call themselves "empaths". They're the type of people who would "feel bad" when someone commits suicide. But they're also the worst type of people for any suicidal person to open up to.

If you want suicidal people to open up to you, you have to be a safe person to open up to. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't add hidden meanings to what people say. Don't lock in what people say. Don't try to take over a conversation about other people's experiences. Don't expect to be obeyed. Don't expect quick responses. Don't be more forceful than informative. Don't wait for people to be suicidal to start showing them compassion.

[heavensmortuary]

Hi there side B friend!! came here from Robin's poll; do you mind giving any suggestions around reducing dysphoria, if you experience it? The blog I only recently set up that deals with this aspect of me is @dysphoric-sideb (....or something like that I can't remember the username order oop) but it's a sideblog and I don't want to reveal my main, hence I'm on anon.

God bless you :)

howdy there! I do experience dysphoria (mainly things that go beyond she/her, he/him, they/them, such as feeling like nothing/absent altogether), and I do wish I was better at reducing it, but it's still a very big struggle unfortunately. I don't have very good advice on the subject because I really haven't found anything that helps for more than a short period of time. However! A short period of time is better than nothing, so here goes:

Physical labor, such as working on something a bit difficult like yard work, farm work, or helping build things, and it's that's not an option, running or even something as simple as dancing around. I found that the more rigorous the better, because it tends to remind that you have a body and that the body is good. I highly recommend gardening and yard work, because it's moving forward with a goal in mind and you have to work hard to accomplish said goal and make full use of your body. Another is making something with your hands. Be it working on a physical painting, or fixing something mechanical, it helps remind that your body is good. Again, if this isn't an option, feel free to discard! It's just the thing that helps me most

On a related note, making sure I spend a good amount of time if I have it (like on weekends) outside, almost entirely focused on textures around me. Being inside or at work for a long long time with absolutely no break makes dysphoria much worse. Taking the time to feel the textures around is good, like picking up pebbles and holding leaves, anything that helps ease feelings of mind/body/gender dissociation.

Dressing well helps too, even if I'm at home. Meaning if I'm wearing clothes that are easy to throw on, I usually pair it with something nice. I don't know really why it helps in my opinion, but it does at least.

This sounds a bit silly, but it helps on the daily at lease in my own experience, to make a character/oc that is the gender I already am, and make them pretty cool or able to be who I'd like to be, not gender wise. I guess that's a persona or something? I've found that being able to make stories with a character already like I already am, instead of a character with the pronouns I would like to identify with, helps center myself, feel real and capable, and not feel as trapped. Otherwise connecting with a character who's gender is what I'd like to be makes things worse :lc at least in my own experience

Another one that sounds silly but has helped imo, is simply listening to stories in real life. Ask people to tell you a story about their lives or history or something. Old folks are the best about this. Collect real experiences close to your heart, and you'll feel more connected with people, even gender wise. I don't know really how to explain it I guess, but hearing real things genuinely helps focus in on what's really important in life as creation. sorry if this doesn't make sense lol

I wish I had more specific advice, since most of this is obvious and mainly helps with general quality of life, but if your quality of life is better, so is your mental health, and so is your dysphoria. God bless you too! I do hope some of these is at least a bit helpful to you

[drainbangle]

wait omg i’m curious about your unpopular thoughts about temenos writing wise.. i love when people discuss octopath writing it’s really enriching to see what we all have to say about certain story elements. plus you’re like a temenos representative to me. your thoughts about temenos make me go “so true!”

Aw, thank you! It took a while for me to decide on what to write here, since honestly I could go on for… frankly any aspect of this guy, especially in regards to treatment in fanon. But for now, I'll focus on my thoughts regarding how people treat tragedy in Temenos' story— namely, Crick's death— and why I personally dislike it as a writing decision and why I disagree with the idea that it is necessary.

Note: Goes without saying, but this is my personal opinion. If you believe otherwise, then that's all good. I'm not writing this to say that any one person is wrong, just to talk about an issue I have with the game's writing itself.

To start, I'll say that my main reason for disliking Crick's death in SH route is a matter of practicality. Killing him off causes Temenos to lose the main person that he had a fantastic relationship and banter with, and in my opinion, Temenos works best when he's bouncing off another person; not unlike most under the Sherlock-archetype.

Also, genuinely? It works wonders to keep Crick alive, if just because it provides a fantastic avenue to explore Temenos' institutional trauma. Having a character that's lived a different experience but within the same harmful institution opens up ways to explore the scope of its harm. And yes, this is for Crick specifically; not Ort, not the travelers, but Crick.

I think it really adds something that Temenos was raised by the church while Crick converted as a teenager during a really difficult time in his life. These two are good for each other. Crick sure as hell makes it a lot easier to write Temenos in fic.

(If you have a different experience, again, that's cool. I'm glad for you. I, however, will never fail to take the easy way out.)

(This is a lie, I'm over here making up fantasy church law for fic stuff but that's not related to this answer.)

I won't pretend that disliking Crick's death is an unpopular opinion. I mean, "Stormhail Fix-it" is an entire genre of fic on the OT2 Ao3 tag. What I do feel tends to go unaddressed though, is the fact that the idea that Crick's death is canon, therefore it is necessary, therefore it is the best decision; an idea that I wholeheartedly disagree with.

Within the text itself, Crick is killed off in order to give Temenos a personal reason to pursue Kaldena, thus putting him at odds with Kaldena's motivations being driven by her ideology and worldview that, "because humans committed the massacre, it was the gods' mistake to put us here". I also won't pretend that Kaldena's writing here isn't fucking awful, because Crick's death is also a device to make the player want Kaldena defeated even though she is just as much as a victim of the church; and that's to say nothing of her portrayal as an indigenous and dark-skinned woman.

These decisions are ones I disagree with. Killing Crick off was unnecessary to give Temenos reason to pursue the culprit, because Temenos already had someone close to him killed; and that's Pontiff Jörg. He raised Temenos from infancy, but due to the lack of focus on him outside of banter conversations, it's never relevant to his motivations outside of the desire for truth because a crime was committed. 

We also didn't need to kill Crick off to show that the church was a terrible institution, because Roi already went missing in action. The Sacred Guard is the main body of law within Eastern Solistia, it's not unreasonable to think that the reason why Temenos dislikes them is because they clearly didn't do shit to investigate his disappearance.

However, one thing I really don't agree with is the idea that Crick's death is necessary because Temenos' story is a tragedy. And if you asked me why, I'd ask this in turn: why is death the only form of tragedy? Furthermore, why must a tragedy contain only tragic events? That in mind, what gives anything value in a tragedy, then?

Pretend we cannot completely rewrite Temenos' story. Even then, changing Crick's death to a permanent injury, a coma, or whatever is still a tragic event; and that's nothing to say of living with the consequences. Isn't losing your faith a tragedy? Isn't losing something you worked for years to do a tragedy?

Similarly, I'd still argue that it's more valuable to make Stormhail a near-death experience because not only does it show Temenos succeeding in making someone question the church but also the terror that is feeling like you're doomed to repeat tragedy. Even if you really aren't, it's hard to dismiss that feeling; especially when it has to do with being victimized by institutions.

And before someone says, "but bad things happen to good people in real life", I'm not treating these characters as living, breathing people who are subject to things like gravity, hunger, and exhaustion. I'm treating them as choices, and choices made that I disagree with. 

It's why I make different choices. I choose to make Crick have to deal with chronic pain onwards. I choose to make Temenos realize change is still possible. I choose to let them both leave Stormhail alive. Are these better choices? I don't know. But I'll never stop questioning the ones made by the writers regardless; much less stop disagreeing with them.

So, in summary: I dislike Crick's death. I dislike Temenos having to spend the rest of the story without someone he can talk to so easily because Crick's absence weakens a lot of his scenes in Temenos 4. But more than that, I dislike the idea that tragedy is necessary on top of the idea that it is superior. Tragedy's good, I adore the genre; but written in mindful doses and all that.

[ritens]

recently finished my first run of ddda so it's pawn Lane lore orb pondering time. don't mind this

the world is my oyster and canon is an inspiration

The Arisen Amaury made pawn Lane to resemble their brother who had passed away prematurely due to a sickness. For a while the pretending came easy but with time Amaury understood that the pawn couldn't fill the role a human sibling could.

Lane did a great job following the Arisen's orders even when they seemed ridiculous by human standards. Amaury was rarely seen with the pawn by their side for they opted to send the pawn out on errands alone. This Arisen was entirely selfish and uninterested in slaying their dragon but believed people would come after them for it. Eventually this paranoia extended towards their Pawn despite the fact that pawns are technically neutral and unable to betray their masters.

A role model was a role model. With flaws and all. The Arisen had left a significant emotional imprint on the pawn, and it spread as time went on. The bestowal of the spirit had begun it's course. As Lane took upon more and more of Amaury's traits, he also inherited the same paranoia and fear that the Arisen had.

Lane became unpredictable at times. This eventually led to a lethal outcome for the Arisen. Amaury's pawn acted out of fear and self-preservation and took the life of his own master.

After this incident the pawn still follows the orders his master had given him, to protect Amaury in every sense. Amaury's identity and fate is unknown to the world. Even as the bile rises in his throat the more Lane starts to understand the abuse he'd put up with.

Lane avoided returning to the rift and took to the streets to look for work instead. But with fear getting in the way he ended up fleeing from a number of Arisen who attempted to enlist him as a support pawn. He wanted to be useful but he couldn't help himself. He was not like a pawn but definitely not human either. He could think for himself somewhat but it was easier not to. It felt wrong. Confusing.

"What kind of demons have you slain to have yourself covered in grime like that?" were the first words he'd heard from his new master, Rau. For some reason this Arisen wanted him as their main sidekick. Rau didn't want to create a pawn of his own in case of bias. Lane accepted the offer and was back on the road. Not alone this time.

The second Arisen was the polar opposite of what Amaury was. Lane felt a sense of gratefulness for every bit of kindness and trust the new master showed him. Rau would make sure the pawn was comfortable, and would quip at anyone pointing out how unfit for anything Lane was as a pawn. HE'S JUST A LITTLE MAN WITH TOOTHPICKS FOR KNIVES, GIVE HIM A BREAK. And it seemed silly. Pawns don't care about such things, do they. They're just there to do their work. Lane was too, right? He thought he was. He thought. Should he be thinking? Questioning motives?

Unlike Lane's original master, Rau was very driven to right the wrongs and was aiming for the dragon who took his heart. Out of fear and greed Lane became a nuisance and did what he could to stall the Arisen's progress. It was what he was made for - to protect the arisen. But on some deeper level he suspected it was his own selfishness that he'd taken from Amaury. He didn't want this one to die in a difficult battle, and he didn't want to go back to being nothing himself.

And even though his wrinkles of toxicity are being smoothed out the more the Arisen works with him, Lane is definitely feeling threatened by other pawns aksdghka being a support pawn in Rau's setup is suffering. Pawn on pawn violence imminent.

I think in the end, there will be an end for one of them. The Arisen will fail to slay the dragon. And Lane will go back to being just another pawn in the streets. Maybe with a designated spot this time. Rau's favorite place maybe. He'd cope, seethe, mald and continue to emotionally struggle with the traumatic experience.

i guess the whole point of lane is what if bestowal could go wrong. could toxic people do this and what if the process is cut midway. could someone else complete it or is my stupid dumpster diving mange infested kitten doomed to be skrunkled.

[magnuficent76]

🥊 for Balt, Melaine and Archer mayhaps.

HOWDY DOO !!

🥊 What do they love to do ? What do they hate to ?

[-> Baltazar

🥊 Baltazar is a guy who enjoys the simpler things in life ! Cooking and eating good food, walking around the farm, drinking some good wine, taking things easy— real hedonist, this one. Buf if they had to pick out a favourite thing they love to do, it'd probably be to go out and paint. Forget the world's problems and just focus on the process of bringing a whole thing to life from the world to your canvas, feel how every stroke drags the paint around and how the wind goes through your hair when you're out and about, contouring your soul and painting it too against the world… or something pretentious like that.

🥊 As for hated things, he doesn't like being a hater a majority of the time, but I think he would fucking despise going to Doctors. Any doctor at all. This guy with a full health plan and a history for needing it is also the world's most stubborn and scared motherfucker so he's Not Going. 

[-> Melaine

🥊 Melaine loves science and she has always loved science before any other thing. Doing her experiments and learning more about the world through a factual lens helps her navigate it better, and it has helped her through a lot of difficult times of crisis particularly. So to Mel, there's nothing better than to sit down and spend hours upon hours researching, writing down notes, running tests and, most of all, helping people with the same thing that helped zir once upon a time. Ze adores zir job, and it brings zir joy to have it be beneficial to others, even make them less afraid of what she does in a way, but the biggest part of it is probably the research bits, so I'll put in researching and testing as a final answer.

🥊 Now for hatred… hmm… probably doing dishes or perhaps admitting she's wrong. One for sensory issues, which are way too strong for her own comfort sometimes, and the other because Melaine is someone who has been raised to think that if you ever admit to being wrong, that means all your merits and your qualifications mean nothing, and that ultimately your experience isn't enough, so you have to work harder and harder in order to never be wrong ever. Normal stuff.

[-> Archer

🥊 Archer… doesn't know. Genuinely doesn't know. This is a man who barely, BARELY has a life outside of work, and even the very company he works for (which benefits entirely from it) gets worried sometimes about it. Not too much though. He loves doing his job but that's superficial, so I guess I'll say he loves drinking. Going to bars is the only other thing he seems able to think about when it comes to socializing, so. That.

🥊 He hates remembering <3 He hates feeling inadequate <3 He hates not being good enough <3 He hates not being able to prove his worth <3 He hates being alone <3 He hates cheap movies and booze <3 He hates the world for not helping him sooner, and even more so for not acknowleding how he's doing now <3 he's actually so well adjusted I promise

[yujeong]

For the fic writers ask game!

1, 10, 30, 35, 73 (you don't have to do all of them! whichever you choose)

Heeyyy, thank you so much for sending me this! I know you said I don't have to do all of them, but I'll do all of them hahaha. I just love ask games, so why not? 1. Do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road? I think for most, if not all, of my ideas, I have a basic layout of the story in mind, including the ending. Will it change shape through the writing stages? Sure, but unless I get sudden inspiration for something different, it'll stay the same from beginning to end. For example, for The Knight's Pawn I believe I did have that ending in mind as the last scene of the fic. Some parts of it changed in the months I was writing it, but the main events in the story were in my mind from the beginning. 10. At what point in the process do you come up with titles, and how easy or hard is that for you? Hmm, I think I figure out the titles of my fics fairly early, because it's one of my favourite things about writing fics ❤️ In some cases, like (Not) A Person, I have the title in mind without a fic to give it to, until I do haha. It's either instantaneous or it takes me days or even weeks to come up with the perfect title for a fic. It depends on the fic I suppose. 30. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you. ....if I say "No legacy is so rich as honesty", will people laugh at me? Well, fuck it, I'm saying it anyway. I love it for all the obvious reasons, but also for what it stands for on its own. Despite what you may think, I didn't get it tattooed on my skin only due to my boy Pete, although he was, like, 90% of the reason I did lol. 35. Tell us about a character who’s very different than you who you love a whole lot. Aaah, that's such a good question. It's difficult to decide, but from my current fandoms, I'd say Vegas from KPTS and Tee from DFF. I do have self-deprecation thoughts, but they're not Vegas-bad and I'd say daddy issues isn't something I've experienced. Similarly, guilt is something that's been a part of me for all my life, but certainly not at Tee's level. What I'm trying to say is, these dudes are very different from me, but they've consumed my thoughts an insane amount and I love them so, so, so much. (Bonus choices from my favourite books: the MC of "My Year of Rest and Relaxation" by Ottessa Moshfegh and Yujeong from "Our Happy Time" by Gong Jiyoung. These ladies are insane and nothing like me and I love them with all my heart.) 73. How do you visualize scenes? Do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow? I always say my imagination is shit, but I do think some images form in my head. However, most of it is blurred af, so I use real-life images and videos in order to get inspired to write scenes that require a lot of visualization, for example fight scenes. For smut, I don't watch porn to be able to visualize the positions though haha. I just base some stuff on my own experiences, despite lacking the genitalia for the smut I write lol.

[adapembroke]

Cancer in the 12th House: Cruise Control

There is a logic to the order of the signs. Each sign is an answer to the excesses of the previous one. If you live fully embodied and engaged with the energy of the moment, every time a planet changes signs, it should come as a relief. 

You know what this way of living feels like if you eat seasonally. You wait all year for the brief* moment when strawberries are in season. Then you want to do nothing more than to stuff your face with fruit. But once you've done that, you’re sick of strawberries and ready to eat something else.

Every sign change is like this, but the transition from Gemini season to Cancer season is one of the least subtle transitions. Gemini is highly energetic, highly social, and highly verbal. It is chaotic and scattered and excited. Cancer is slow, introverted, and speaks the language of the heart. It is connected, deep, and desperate for peace and quiet.

You can see, I think, why one leads into the other. After the excitement of Gemini, you need a rest and some time to digest your experiences. You need time to figure out what you feel about things. 

I am writing this at the end of Gemini season. I am still in the flurry of intellectual energy, but I can see Cancer coming like a stop sign at the end of a highway. I still have energy, but my body is telling me that I need to downshift and slow down soon, or I am going to crash.

In the northern hemisphere,** the end of Gemini season is the end of spring. Spring is commonly associated with rain showers, flowers, baby bunnies, and the first tender greens. On the surface, these symbols seem gentle, calm, and relaxing. That might be true during Taurus season, but Taurus season is a brief (and necessary) reprieve between Aries and Gemini, the two most urgently kinetic signs of the zodiac.

Aries and Gemini are both fundamentally about growth. Aries is the newborn emerging from the birth canal and taking their first breath, the seedling cracking through the seed shell and pushing through the soil. Aries is the primal fight for the right to exist. Gemini is toddler time. It is the moment when an infant realizes that there is more to life than sleeping and eating. (The young child realizes that there is more to life than Taurus.) The weight of everything there is to learn descends on the tiny creature along with the intense energy needed to take on--quite literally--the intellectual challenge of a lifetime.

Aries and Gemini have a lot of energy because they need a lot of energy. Used properly, Aries and Gemini are capable of taking us from non-existence to being launched into life. 

One of the consistent patterns in the order of the signs is that seasons of rest follow seasons of work. Spring is a highly active season. The summer that follows is a season of rest.

This is the reason why we people go on vacation in the summer and winter. Spring and fall are filled with such hard work. We need a rest, and in the agricultural cycle, summer and winter are naturally periods of waiting when we live on the work we did during the spring and the fall. Spring is the season of planting and caring for tender plants and new hopes. In the summer, we tend and mow and wait to see what there will be to harvest. Autumn is the season of harvest. In the winter, we live on what has been grown. 

Cancer is the gateway to summer, and your experience of Cancer does a lot to shape your experience of the summer months. 

I have Cancer in the 12th house, the house of self-undoing. I have a difficult relationship with Cancer. You may have gotten a hint of this earlier when I described the transition from Gemini season to Cancer season as a high-speed car crash.

The 12th house isn’t an easy place to be at the best of times, but I have Mars and the moon closely trine in air signs. My Mars is in Gemini, and my moon is in Aquarius. Together, they love to spend Gemini season putting aside emotions and getting high on the airy intellectualism of the moment. Talking to everyone. Learning everything. Doing everything. 

In Gemini season, everything feels possible. Even perpetual motion.

But like Jo ONeill said recently, “the 12th house is the later that you have been saving your emotions for.” 

As someone who has the 12th house in watery Cancer, the realization that I can't just sail through the (seemingly) clear, pure air of the mind forever hits me like a tsunami every year when the sun leaves Gemini. I crash at the end of June and spend July picking up the pieces.

One of the things astrology is meant to do is make the unconscious conscious, and I am determined to use what I know about the relationship between Gemini and Cancer to do Cancer season differently this year. If summer is the time when we step back and allow what we’ve planted to grow, I can see Gemini season as the on-ramp to the highway. It is a rush season necessary to get up to highway speed before I shift into cruise control for the summer.

This new way of seeing Cancer season crystallized for me after I stumbled on a quote by astrologer Jaír Griffin. He said, “You don’t grow plants. It’s impossible to make anything grow, no matter how hard you try. You just give it the conditions to thrive, and it’ll bloom on its own. The same goes for you.”

So much of my resistance to cruising patiently through Cancer season comes from a misguided attempt to control things. In the agricultural year, Cancer is the season when plants really start to take off, but they aren’t producing fruit yet. If you judge a plant’s productivity by how it’s doing during Cancer season, you’ll rip up a beautiful garden that could have fed you through the winter. 

This is what self-undoing looks like for someone with Cancer in the 12th house, it’s a lack of faith in your ability to create an environment conducive to growth, to nurture things until they can thrive on their own.

With this in mind, I’m determined that this year will be different. My focus during Cancer season will be on tending the things I’ve planted, encouraging them to grow by making sure they have an environment in which they can thrive, surrendering to the work I’ve already done, and gathering my strength for the harvest rush in the fall. 

*The growing season for strawberries is short… If you don't live in a place like California.

**Astrology inescapably uses the seasons of the northern hemisphere as a metaphor. If you’re in the southern hemisphere, I see you… and ask you to go along with the metaphor even though it doesn’t match your seasonal calendar.

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[alarrytale]

Hi Marte. I saw in an interview from last Nov that Andrew Sc*tt said that before he CO he was encouraged to stay in the closet and keep his sexuality a secret. He said that he thinks people had his best interests at heart but he's glad that he didn't listen to them. Out of those who have CO almost all of them have said that they were pressured by people to keep their sexuality a secret and some even had training to hide their gay mannerisms, which no doubt Louis has done. They're taught how to act 'straight'. It's so gross and I hate it. It's good that Andrew didn't get sucked in but many vulnerable people will be easily manipulated, especially young people who don't have much life experience. I hope the industry is exposed for this one day. Many people talk about it but nothing is done about it. It's almost like gay conversion, it should be illegal. I keep hoping for things to change for the better and they seem to be at a really slow pace. I hope more people CO and it isn't so popular to stay in the closet anymore. I hope those who CO get a lot of support and so it will encourage other closeted people to CO. Things are changing so slowly. It seems like it's getting more common for celebrities to want to appeal to the lgbtq+ community. We just need more people actually CO.

Hi, anon!

Celebrity queer men (or up and coming queer men) are always adviced to keep their sexuality secret from the public by their agents and management teams in order to succeed and advance their careers. It's nothing new and it happens to everyone. Even queer people who were publicly out have attempted to put themselves back in the closet because they were adviced to do so by their people. They often need to appeal to straight people to really make it big, and the only way to do that is by closeting themselves.

Straight people will always be the biggest target audience, femininity will aways be seen as something less than masculinity because we live in a patriarchy. Teenagers will always project their romantical and sexual feelings onto celebrities, and live their own life through them. So if you want to really be a superstar you need an image to appeal to what most people want, admire and love. You need to fit the mold.

At the same time, if everyone fits the mold, we wont get progression, there will be no room for minorities and we'd have little creativity and diversity. Someone needs to start breaking the mold and present different views and ways to attract audiences to change majority views. When you're trying to change society's views and majority opinions the change will always be slow. And you always need someone brave enough to start the ball rolling.

There are more and more people that are coming out after being closeted, and more and more people are rejecting being closeted and want to succeed being out and and proud. I think it gets easier and easier to make that choice when you have other out and succeeding celebrities. But there are still so many people who are closeted and choosing to closet themselves to get big. Like women, queer artists and actors, needs to work twice as hard and be twice as talented to make it. I agree that more people need to come out, but shouldering that burden alone is hard. It's a difficult situation and not an easy fix. It would be great if there were a revolution or a queer wave going, where 10, 20, 30 people decided to come out at the same time. We can only hope.