#now i’ve been working on my general wellbeing

[peaceoutofthepieces]

what if i did a 180 and fucked around and finished the prince jens fic for my mental health

[moonlightspencie]

darling, i fancy you

Description: James Potter is in his second year of university. He's with his friends, having the time of his life! His only problem... a horrible, evil, beautiful, wonderful girl who doesn't seem to return the feelings he's developing for her. His dramatics and flirtatious antics usually work. He just can't quite figure out how to hook this girl.

Pairing: James Potter x fem!Reader

Warnings: drinking, idiots to lovers, reader is described as american in one line because what is fanfiction if not a bit of self-service on occasion

Word Count: 8.2k

Coming into his second year of university was supposed to be fun. He was no longer jittery or nervous about classes since he’d already been there and done that for a full year. Besides, he was James Potter. Of course he had gotten down the routines like they were nothing to him. It was easy as pie. Now, as he brimming with confidence, he was looking forward to seeing old friends, and meeting new ones. It seemed bright and exciting: and it was, so far! 

Until his second day.

James walked into his final Thursday afternoon class and sat in a seat near the front. He might enjoy goofing off here and there, but he’d be damned if he was going to do any less than stellar in his classes. The class filled fairly quickly, seats being taken all around him. He barely noticed when a girl sat in the seat next to him as he pulled out a notebook and a pen. Until he turned with a small smile that melted off his face as quickly as it arrived. 

“Great,” he grumbled under his breath. 

She looked in the direction of the utterance curiously, blissfully unaware that one of the last few open seats, and the one she just had to choose, was right next to James Potter. 

“Perfect,” she muttered bitterly, shaking her head. “I suppose you’re going to try to get me to convince my roommate to fall in love with you again, yeah?”

“Not after last time.”

She scoffed a laugh. “Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because you’re selfish and don’t care about the happiness and general wellbeing of others.”

“Right. As if your happiness should be my number one priority,” she rolled her eyes. “You’re insufferable.”

James turned his head to her abruptly, feeling quite put off that she’d say such a thing. Him, insufferable? He thought it might do her some good to do a bit of self reflection, and had told her as much last year. It didn’t do any good, obviously, considering she was still just as irritating as ever. 

“She’s dating someone anyway. So you’re out of luck,” she said, seeming quite pleased with herself. 

James was annoyed again. “Dating someone? Great. That could’ve been me if you weren’t so horrible, and now I’ve got to wait until they inevitably break up to—”

“She’s dating a girl, so good luck with that plan of yours, Potter.”

James blinked in surprise. He supposed he never exactly saw Lily with a boy before. But… But he liked her so she couldn’t possibly be interested in girls. What a silly notion, he thought. 

“You’re sure?”

She stared at him for a moment. “Uh… yeah. Pretty sure.”

James hummed in thought. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know until summer,” she shrugged. “She came out to me shortly before she told me she’d been asked out by her current girlfriend.”

“How odd.”

“Excuse me?” she asked, looking at him with a bewildered expression. 

His eyes widened. “No! Not like that. I just… I didn’t realize. I just assumed—”

“Careful how you phrase things, maybe,” she said, looking at him a little suspiciously. 

He nodded quickly. “Right.”

He fell silent for a moment. A few blissful seconds that she basked in. Until he opened his mouth again.

“I just…” he said, then sighed. He thought for a couple seconds. “I don’t think I’ve ever not been able to win someone over before. And this seems pretty bleak for me, doesn’t it?” 

She snorted a laugh, nodding. “Yeah. More than bleak, I’d say.”

James smiled a little, then internally scolded himself. There was no reason to laugh at a joke a girl like her made. How terrible. He was better than that. He straightened in his seat, determined to ignore her now that he really had no use for her with his precious Lily too far out of reach for even him to pull in, all things considered. He pouted for a bit, feeling terribly sorry for himself as the class started. He took his notes, of course, but not without sighing every five minutes or so. 

“Can you cut that out?” 

James looked offended again, glancing at the girl. 

“Cut what out?” he whispered back. 

“The constant sighing. It’s irritating.”

“I’m upset.”

She rolled her eyes, going back to taking notes. He fell silent, but only for a few seconds. 

“You try finding out the girl you’re in love with is gay.”

“For me, that would actually work out.”

James rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Get over it,” she said after a beat. 

He glared at her, then went back to his notes. Again, really only for a few seconds. 

“Wait. Are you gay, too?”

“So what if I am? That’s not really your business, is it?” 

“I— Maybe not. But I’m curious,” James said, looking at her. 

“Stop talking.”

“I just wanna know.”

“You sound like a child,” she sighed, exasperated. “You’re distracting me.”

James gave her one more sour look before turning back to his notes. He was feeling quite annoyed now. Maybe it wasn’t necessarily ‘his business’ what her sexuality was, but he couldn’t help but be curious. Why was that his fault? He couldn’t quite figure it out. He waited until the class ended this time to turn to her again. 

“I don’t mean to intrude—”

“I’m sure you will, though,” she stated. 

James sighed. “You’re so difficult. I’m only curious. I don’t mean anything by it.”

She huffed a breath, then looked at him straight on. He raised his brows in question, hoping she might answer if he tried looking innocent enough. She shook her head. 

“It’s a bit of a rude question, you know?”

“How?” he asked, feeling a little offended. 

“It’s personal.”

“Well I—“ James started to argue, though his voice died. His eye twitched slightly as he thought about it for a few seconds. “Okay. I guess… I guess that makes sense. I just thought it was, like, knowing your hair color or something like that.”

“Personally, it’s something I usually only discuss with my friends. Not with a strange boy who I’ve only spoken to when he decided he liked my roommate.”

“That’s mean.”

“We aren’t friends.”

“It’s still mean,” James said, standing up with his bag. 

She did the same. 

“It’s honest.”

James pouted a little. “I’m only trying to make conversation.”

She looked at him for a moment, and he looked right back, his hand on the strap of his bag. He quirked a brow when she was silent for a second. 

“I’ll see you around,” she said at last, not unkindly, but definitely not in a friendly manner. 

Of course, James had to relay this ridiculous interaction to his roommates when he got back to his flat. He sprawled out on the couch, his hand flipping off the side to touch the floor and his cheek pressed against the cushions. 

“She’s evil. There’s something in her that isn’t right. I’m sure of it.”

Sirius furrowed his brow. He’d been hearing about James’s plights with this woman since last year. It always seemed that his buttons got pushed so easily by her, and Sirius couldn’t help but wonder how on earth James kept getting himself into these situations

He sighed softly, leaning back into the armchair to the left of James, a hand running through his long, dark hair before settling over his face.

 “You’ve been dramatic plenty of times before, Prongs, but this might be a new height you’ve climbed to,” Sirius said, his voice slightly muffled through his hand. 

“Mm. Not quite evil to keep that sort of thing to yourself. I don’t run around campus advertising that I’m queer,” Remus added, walking into the living room with a cup of tea. 

Remus settled on the ground near Sirius’s chair, leaning his back into the arm of it as he stretched his long legs out. He did plan on doing so on the couch, but it seemed that James had beaten him to it with his dramatics. 

“That’s not what I mean,” James groans. “It’s how she acted. I don’t care if she keeps that to herself, but she didn’t have to be so mean to me. It’s like she delights in making me feel stupid.”

Peter laughed from the chair across the way from Sirius’s. “It’s not always hard to do.”

James scowled at the boy, but before he could say something back, Sirius sighed loudly. 

“James. Just back off of the girl.”

James turned to Sirius. “What do you mean?”

“If you ignore her, she’ll ignore you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because she probably finds you just as irritating as you find her,” Remus says pointedly. 

“You guys are supposed to be on my side,” James says.

His friends all exchange a look, then stare back at him. 

Sirius leans forward on his chair to come to eye-level with James. 

“James. You are like a brother to me. I love you dearly. But leave the poor girl alone before she hits you.”

James buried his face in the couch cushion and groaned loudly in protest. Maybe they were right, but he didn’t have to like it. He knew he was being dramatic and probably a bit annoying, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t met someone who got under his skin so easily in a long time, and he didn’t like it. After a few minutes, he lifted his head, looking at his friends. He didn’t like to upset them, and he was afraid if he kept this up, that he might do just that. 

“You guys want to go get dinner on me?” he offered. 

They smiled, Sirius in particular shaking his head at his friend in amusement. James felt a little better then as he scrambled off the couch. 

James’s first encounter with the girl of his dreams, who he begrudgingly accepted no longer could be, happened a few days later. He walked into a café just off of campus to get a little fuel for his first essay of the semester when he saw a familiar head of red hair. His first instinct, of course, was to rush her with a smile and that classic Potter-charm of his… but then he deflated. 

There she was: the wretched girl who had stolen his dear Lily from him. He looked sour for a moment, then sighed, shrugging it off internally. He supposed that he couldn’t really be mad since he wasn’t also a girl, so Lily wouldn’t like him no matter what. 

But if he was, he was determined he’d be very upset about the whole ordeal. 

He sat down at a table across the small coffee shop, inadvertently staring at Lily and her girlfriend. He had to admit: the girl she was dating was very pretty. And they did seem happy together. But it was still a little bit annoying. He hardly paid attention to someone approaching with his drink until he heard an unfortunately-familiar voice. 

“I would tell you that a picture would last longer, but I don’t think I can condone borderline-stalking my roommate,” the girl said, setting his latte down in front of him. 

He looked up at her in a bit of surprise. She just seemed to pop up everywhere. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked. 

She looked down at her apron, then back at him with a puzzled expression. 

“I— I work here?” she stated, shaking her head a bit. “Thought you may have gathered that from me bringing you your drink and wearing an apron.” 

He deadpanned, unamused. “I just didn’t expect to see you here is all. It’s like you’re everywhere.”

“It’s been like a week and half and we’ve seen each other twice,” she said, huffing a breath at his dramatics. “Anyway. Is there anything else you need, besides maybe a magazine or a blindfold?”

“Why would I need those?” he asked, immediately annoyed. 

She pointedly looked at Lily and her girlfriend, then back at James. He made a face of realization, then chuckled a little despite his better judgment. 

“Oh. No. I’ll stop staring, I’m just…”

She paused waiting for him to finish, but it didn’t seem like he was going to. She nodded slowly after a beat.

“Well… it’s been a pleasure as always.”

James nodded, but then he leaned forward to grab her wrist. “Wait.”

She turned around, giving him a look that told him to let go immediately. 

“Sorry,” he said quickly, dropping her wrist. “Just wanted to ask if you got that western civilization assignment done for tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow? Tomorrow is Tuesday.”

He raised a brow. “Yeah. It’s a Tuesday-Thursday class.”

She paused, looking a little lost. “What?”

“It’s on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. The assignment is supposed to be done for tomorrow’s class.”

“You’re joking.”

James shook his head. “No. Why would I be?”

“Shit,” she sighed heavily, throwing her head back. “How hard is it to do?”

“Not hard, but it took some time.”

She groaned. “God, I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. Just forgetful, obviously,” James laughed. 

She did not look amused. “Right. Well… Fuck. Thanks for the heads up, then.”

James looked quite pleased with himself. He actually got a ‘thank you’ out of her. He nodded quickly. 

“What would you do without me?” he smirked.

She glanced at him, looking somehow even more unimpressed. James didn’t like that look. 

“I’d have missed one class. Don’t give yourself too much credit.”

James watched her walk off, feeling annoyed once again. It’s like she couldn’t help but ruin his mood every time they talked. He sipped his latte, and suddenly felt more irritated: this might have been one of the best latte’s he’d ever had, and she just had to work there. Great. 

He kept his eyes on the girl as she walked back behind the counter, getting started on whatever task came next for her. She seemed to be making some kind of drink. He watched her as she flitted around back there easily, taking note of the way she’d occasionally scrunch her nose in a weak attempt to adjust her glasses as her hands were full. He took in every detail of her outfit that he could see from the other side of the counter: a simple black t-shirt and jeans that looked annoyingly good on her. Like it wasn’t enough to be irritating all the time, she had to be pretty, too. How was he supposed to just ignore her completely? He scoffed to himself at Sirius’s stupid advice as he sipped at his drink again.

That same thought snuck into his head as she walked into class the next day, dropping into that same seat right next to him. He took note of her slightly messy hair, and the crewneck sweatshirt that hung on her a little loosely. He looked at her nails as she pulled out her laptop, smiling a little at the baby blue that was painted on them. He liked blue quite a lot. He was in the middle of looking at the minimal makeup on her face, especially the gloss on her lips, when she just had to interrupt him.

“What are you doing?” she asked, looking at him as if he’d grown a second head.

“None of your business,” he replied quite defensively.

“You’re staring at me. It feels like my business, Potter.”

He rolled his eyes. Why did she always have to be so difficult? It’s like she had fun making him feel like an idiot.

“I wasn’t staring. I was observing.”

She sighed, softly, shaking her head as she went back about her business, logging into her laptop. He tried really hard to remember what Sirius had told him and just ignore her as well as he could, but it wasn’t exactly his fault that she had a photo of herself and some guy on her computer.

“I thought you were gay?” he said curiously.

She turned her head to him slowly, and if he thought she looked at him like he was stupid before, it was nothing compared to how she looked now.

“What?” 

“I thought you said you were gay,” he clarified, though it made nothing clearer for her. He pointed at her laptop background, “but, there’s a boy with you on your computer.”

“I never said I was gay. I said it wasn’t your business if I was or not.”

“But you must not be if you have a boyfriend.”

“Ugh,” she groaned. “That’s my brother, nosey. And I’m not gay.”

“Thought you said that wasn’t my business?”

“I’m going to slap you.”

“That’s what Sirius said,” James replied, though it was mostly to himself.

She snorted once. “Your friends are telling you you’re gonna get hit by someone?”

“By you,” he corrected.

Now, this piqued her interest. She looked at him curiously.

“Your friends tell you that I am going to slap you? Why?”

“I told them we don’t really get along. Sirius thinks I should just ignore you.”

“You’re doing a shit job of it,” she laughed a little.

He wanted to be annoyed, but he couldn’t help but smile a bit back at her. She had a nice laugh. He thought to himself that maybe he’d like to hear it more. It would certainly be better than the grating sound of her always being annoyed with him.

“Can’t help it if I’m curious.”

“You can help if you’re peering over my shoulder at my personal laptop.”

“I’d hardly call it peering. Plus you have a large screen, it’s easy to see.”

She cracked another small smile against her better judgment, and decided on ignoring him the rest of the class. It didn’t work. At all.

“So…” James started up when the professor decided on padding the rest of the class time with an ‘opportunity’ to get a headstart on the next assignment. “Did you end up finishing that assignment that was due today.”

“Clearly.”

James furrowed his brow. “Huh? How is that clear?”

“I’m a mess. I look like I just rolled out of bed, because I practically did in order to finish the assignment today before the rest of my classes. I haven’t even been in my apartment since like eight this morning.”

James still looked on in a bit of confusion, glancing over at her again, taking in her appearance. Sure, she wasn’t extremely put together, but she still looked pretty. James, ever the one to speak exactly what’s on his mind, decided on telling her that.

“I think you look really pretty today.”

She swallowed once, looking at him in a moment of mild shock. She usually wasn’t one to clam up around anyone, but she certainly was now, and James took notice.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything…”

“No. No, it isn’t that. I just…” she trailed off, then shook her head. “Nevermind. Just… work on your assignment. It’s what we’re meant to be doing anyways.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry,” James nodded, feeling a little bad now that he’d apparently made her uncomfortable.

Though, as much as it was a sense of discomfort that she felt at his compliment, there was also much more to it. Not that she would ever tell him that. No, it was much worse than the normal annoyance she felt for the boy when he looked her up and down and gave her that sweet smile. It was terrible and evil and made her face a bit warm. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, his cheek smushed in his hand nearly making her smile being all the more evidence: she was developing a crush on James Potter.

James was in the process of waking up on a cold Saturday morning in early October. Usually he’d be able to pull himself out of bed somewhat easily, only really needing a good shower to get his blood pumping for the day ahead. The ‘process’ part came into play as a rare, true hangover made him feel both dizzy and like a rock stuck in bed. 

He wasn’t a stranger to a late night of drinking with his friends, or a party here and there while he was at school. Even in his highschool days, he would sometimes sneak out from under his parents’ watchful eyes with Sirius to go live it up for a night. But it rarely resulted in an actual hangover. Sometimes a headache, occasionally he’d throw up before bed, but this? This was hell on earth. He was convinced. It certainly didn’t help that he hardly remembered past drink number seven the night prior. He decided on not letting the frat boys fill his cup anymore.

After an hour of laying in bed, he finally decided that it might be time to at least try to join the world of the living. He rolled off of his mattress, shuffling into the bathroom to take a cool shower. He effectively did as much, only having to bend over the toilet bowl to empty his stomach twice! He was quite proud of himself for that, considering he felt nauseous the entirety of the shower. He stumbled back into his room, haphazardly drying off his body and hair before slipping into a sweater, jeans, and a warm coat. He slipped on his boots, grabbed his keys, and walked out the front door. He thought that maybe his favorite cafe would have something to lift his spirits and fill his now-empty stomach. He also thought that maybe a certain girl might be working. That would definitely lift his spirits.

He walked into the cafe around 11am, finding it surprisingly empty for a Saturday afternoon. He had started making a habit of visiting the place probably more often than he needed to. He knew the usual flow at this point.

He frowned when his favorite table was taken, and ended up dropping into a seat near the back by a window after he had ordered. He sat his order number marker on the table, and waited for a familiar face to show. He started to smile when he saw his coffee and a chocolate pastry being set in front of him, but it dropped as he looked up to see a less familiar man. He thanked him anyway, despite the fact that he was quite disappointed. He picked at his pastry, and sipped his drink, letting the carbs and caffeine make him feel a bit like a human being again after such a rough night. He decided to stick around for a while after he finished both, just sitting and thinking. He always liked being alone with his thoughts, but they seemed to flow a little better with the hum of something in the background. A cafe full of people did the trick for the day. After an hour or so of staring out the window, he decided he could use another cup of coffee.

He went to wait to order behind a small line of people, fiddling on his phone until he was finally called up to order next. A smile grew on his face when he saw who was taking orders now.

“Hi!” he said to her cheerily.

“Oh. James. Hi,” she said, a little surprised to see him. “What can I get you?”

“You weren’t here earlier. I got here a little past 11, and some guy brought me my drink.”

“Yeah. I just got in at 12. So… what do you want to drink?”

James ignored her question with another smile. “How long are you working today? Don’t you normally come in earlier?”

“Five hour shift today,” she said with a small sigh. “I just didn’t start early this time.”

“Oh. Well, it’s good you’re here now. I’d have hated to admit that I might have missed you when I saw you in class on Tuesday.”

She fought a smile at that, determined to remain irritated at him.

“Are you going to order? You’re kind of holding up the line.”

“Right!” he exclaimed suddenly, looking up at the menu as if he didn’t get the same thing every time.

“Do you just want your usual?”

James stilled at that. She knew his normal order? He smiled a bit to himself, trying not to seem too delighted at that fact. But he shook his head quickly, even though that’s exactly what he planned on getting.

“What’s your favorite drink?”

“I like the lavender oatmilk latte.”

“Lavender? In coffee?” He made a sour face.

“James,” she said, somewhat shortly as he dawdled. 

“I’ll have one of those, then.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. But if it’s gross, I’m blaming you.”

She smirked a little as she shook her head, typing in the order.

“Alright. It’s in,” she said, nodding to the side for him to get out of the way. 

“But I didn’t pay.”

“It’s on me,” she replied. But, she continued before he could think it was too sweet, “It’ll get you out of the way faster.” 

He nodded, giving her a thanks with a shy smile. He went back to his seat, expecting that same wretched boy to come back out instead of her with his drink. Though it certainly took a long time for him to do so. Just as James was looking over his shoulder to see what was taking so long, he saw that same familiar face coming towards him with a mug of coffee. He smiled up at her as she set down the mug.

“I thought you were on the register.”

“I was.”

“But you just had to come see me, right?”

She scoffed a laugh, rolling her eyes. “Enough out of you. I came to ask about the test on Tuesday.”

“Oh?” he asked, looking down into the coffee she brought. It didn’t look gross, at the very least, but he still wasn’t sure about lavender in his coffee.

“I can’t find my notes from two weeks ago anywhere. Do you think I could borrow yours by any chance?”

“You want to borrow my notes?”

“You can be an idiot sometimes, but you’re not stupid. Unfortunately, you are actually really smart under that…” she gestures vaguely at him. “You know. Your whole vibe.”

“Hey!” he exclaimed, pouting a little.

“It’s a compliment.”

“Still mean. I thought you Americans were supposed to be nice.”

“I think you’re thinking of Canada, but I mean it in a nice way.”

He huffed a small sigh, tilting his head as he looked up at her. She tried not to look at him for too long, sure she’d start grinning for real this time. Why did he have to be so handsome? And so annoying. And ridiculously charming. She merely quirked a brow at his silent tantrum, waiting for him to speak again.

“I guess. You can have my notes, but you have to come get them from me at my apartment.”

“You can’t just email them to me?”

He smiled. “Nope. I take ‘em on paper. You can come get them.”

“It would be easier to take a photo of them.”

“I want my roommates to have to meet the girl who hates me so much anyways. They’ve been dying to properly see you without me having to point you out across campus.”

“You talk about me a lot?” she asks with a little smirk, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Enough,” he smiles at her brightly. “Come on. Just humor me.”

“I don’t have your address,” she argued weakly.

He laughed a bit at that. God, she was adorable when she was being difficult.

“Give me your phone, then.”

“What for?”

“I’m going to put my address in. And my phone number so I don’t always have to try to catch you here or in class when I want to talk to you.”

“Who says I want to talk to you?”

“I think you secretly like me.”

“I think you’re annoying.”

“I think you secretly like me, even though I’m annoying. You’re trying to tell me I’m not a delight to be around?”

She sighed softly, clinging hard onto that small sliver of irritation, even if it didn’t do much good against the boy. She pulled out her phone, unlocking it and handing it over to him. She watched as he typed in all his information, and even took a cheesy little selfie for his contact photo. 

“No, no, no…” she said, trying to take her phone back when he started messaging himself.

He put out his arm with a giddy grin, blocking her from getting the phone back as he continued on his path with the other hand.

“How else was I meant to get your number?” he giggled, hitting send and handing the device back to her. “Just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t be the only one with the option to contact me. If you were the only one of us who could text, we’d never get the ball rolling on a proper friendship.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be your friend,” she snorted once, pocketing her phone again. “You’re a nuisance.”

“I’ll see you tonight then, right?” He ignored her poor insult. “To get the notes, I mean.”

She fell quiet for a moment before begrudgingly nodding. “Yeah. I’ll see you then. When will you be home?”

“For you? All day.”

She rolled her eyes again, but she couldn’t help but fight a warmth in her cheeks as she turned to get back to work.

As it turned out, much like she was suspecting, letting James put his number in her phone, and consequently exchanging numbers, was a horrific idea. It seemed that every time she went to check her phone, even if it was the middle of the night, he had something to say. Whether it be an actual message or just a strange meme he found online, he was constantly sending her texts. She was convinced he was testing out a kind of exposure therapy. That maybe, in his head, if he kept bugging her all hours of the day she would learn not to act so annoyed by him. To his merit, he was mostly right. But it helped that she was harboring a secret crush on him to begin with.

James, on the other hand, was getting non-stop reprimands from his friends. Every time he pulled his phone out and started typing, they’d groan in annoyance, knowing exactly who he was trying to talk to.

“Mate, you’ve got to lay off the poor girl,” Remus grumbled softly, his head dropping onto the back of the couch when he clocked James texting her in the middle of a movie night with the boys. 

“I just thought she might think this movie is good. I’m recommending it,” James shrugged a little, still typing away.

“She probably doesn’t care,” Peter said casually.

“Shut up, Pete,” James huffed, setting his phone down. Though he left it up to make sure he’d see exactly when she texted back. “It’s funny. She likes funny stuff.”

“You’ve got it bad, Prongs,” Sirius shook his head as he came back into the living room from his brief excursion to the bathroom. Remus pulled him right back into his lap as he came out, hugging him tightly.

James looked at them, making a disgusted face and groaning. 

“You guys aren’t allowed to talk about me when you’re always clinging onto each other like that.”

“You’re just jealous,” Sirius smirked.

“Maybe I am! I have to watch you two cuddling all the time, all in love. It’s sickening,” James crossed his arms as he looked back at the television. “I shouldn’t have to watch that and hear about how I shouldn’t text a girl I fancy.”

Remus and Sirius shared a look. Remus then set his sights on James with a raised brow.

“So you fancy her now, do you?”

“Shut up.”

“Just saying,” Remus chuckled. “When we started the school year you said she was evil. Now you fancy her.”

“She is evil. She doesn’t like me back,” James sighed dramatically, slumping in his seat. “I don’t get it. Girls loved me in high school. Then all of a sudden we’re at uni, and the first girl I like turns out to be a lesbian and the second one thinks I’m annoying.”

“Poor boy,” Sirius cooed at his dear friend jokingly. “You’ll find one soon. Maybe she just isn’t the one for you.”

“But I want her to be! It isn’t fair. She probably doesn’t like English boys at all. I bet that’s what it is.”

“What?” Remus asked incredulously.

“She’s from the States. I bet she only likes, like… farmers or surfers or something stupid.”

That earned a laugh from his friends, brushing off his dramatics as usual. James merely pouted to himself as he watched the movie until his phone buzzed next to him. He grabbed it like his life depended on it when he saw who the notification was from, smiling like a giddy child as he read the message.

“alright. thanks for the rec, I’ll check it out :)”

He giggled a little to himself. “She sent me a smiley face! You guys think that actually made her smile? I bet it did.”

His friends merely sighed, ignoring him again since he wouldn’t have listened to their response anyways as he typed away.

“Maybe we could watch it together some time! I think my friends would really like you. They didn’t get to know you well enough last time they saw you since it was only a couple of minutes. You should come over!! :)”

He sent the message, but as soon as the excitement calmed down a smidge, he sent another message.

“If you want to, of course. I don’t want to pressure you. But I do want to hang out with you. I think you’ll like me if you decided to stop hating me lol”

“Sorry, that sounded weird”

“I just mean that we could be good friends, I think. You’re funny and cool, and I’m also funny and cool. It’s like we’re made for each other haha!”

“I don’t mean it like that. You know what I mean, yeah?”

“Fuck, mate, you writing a novel over there?” Sirius laughed with wide eyes, looking at the phone in James’s hands.

“I keep fucking up and sending weird stuff,” he groaned. “Trying to do damage control.”

“Not much damage control to do when she already talks to you in person,” Sirius retorts with a smirk.

“Shove off, Pads.”

His phone buzzed again.

“right lol. maybe sometime? do you plan on talking through the whole thing though? you tend to be a motormouth, you know lmao”

He let out a breath of relief, smiling to himself again when he saw that he didn’t screw things too badly.

“I’ll be quiet during all the important parts at least. Promise!”

He waited for a moment, staring at the screen as a little text bubble popped up almost immediately.

“maybe then, yeah. i’ll let you know next time i’m getting too happy with my peace and quiet. or the next time lils and her girlfriend are making out in front of me again”

He laughed softly, ignoring the looks he was getting from the others as he texted the girl. They were all in happy relationships, they certainly were not allowed to judge him for being excited to be speaking to somebody cute.

“Might not be much better with Sirius and Remus here, but misery loves company, right?”

“Those are two of my mates you met when you picked up those notes a while back, btw. In case you forgot their names.”

“They’re dating now.”

He waited patiently, not even paying an ounce of attention to the movie still playing. Besides, if he was going to watch it with her again some time soon, who cares if he missed a bit of it?

“good for them, they’re probably super cute together. but yeah, i’ll text you next time then”

James smiled brightly.

“Great!!! I’m looking forward to it! We can order dinner and everything.”

“But not like a date.”

“Unless you wanted it to be lol. Just kidding. We don’t have to do that.”

“But I’ll still buy dinner so you don’t go hungry.”

He waited again as the speech bottle popped up, and frowned a little when it went away. Then, there was a little heart on the first message he sent about ordering in, which, to him, felt like everything. 

She was surprised with herself when she was all nerves before going to see James and his friends for that promised movie night. Though, she quickly realized that was incredibly silly.

As she got to know James’s friends, she kind of started understanding why he talked so highly of them. She adored them, and thought it was pretty funny that they always seemed a little bit lovingly exasperated with his antics. She couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how she’d start feeling about him, or if that bothersome crush would never fade into a casual friendship.

The answer seemed to come after Sirius and Remus ran off together after dinner, and Peter left to go hang out with his girlfriend. She didn't expect to find herself opening up to the Potter boy so easily about her past, nor for him to become so serious and thoughtful when talking about his own. 

She really didn’t expect for herself to say yes to hanging out with him again. And again. And again.

It’s like he somehow found his way under her skin. She knew he was capable of such a thing from how he was easily able to bug her from their first meeting. It was exasperation at first sight. But the way he charmed his way into her heart was an entirely new kind of annoying. He was all boyish smiles, silly stories, and dramatism… and it was fucking endearing.

But their tipping point came in March. 

Much to her chagrin, they had become close friends. They spent a lot of time together, and not just in the classroom or at work. She’d become friends with his friends, and James had become friends with Lily and Marlene after he finally accepted that Lily really wouldn’t ever like him. Though, realistically, he was pretty much over that the second he realized he had feelings for someone else. That slightly-grumpy, highly caffeinated, lovely, hilarious, complaining, sweet, smart, ridiculously difficult angel of a girl. 

The girl that made him embarrass himself in front of a party full of people.

He stood with Peter and his girlfriend at a table, chatting as they started sipping on freshly made drinks. James was, admittedly, probably a few too many in. But he couldn’t always exercise impeccable self-control, he decided. So, he stood there, staring at the girl from across the room as she danced with Lily’s girlfriend Marlene with a smile on his face.

“You look ridiculous staring at her like that, mate,” Peter said to James, nudging him lightly.

“I don’t know what you mean,” James snorted, pulling his eyes away from her to smirk at his friend. “Besides, I can stare at my girl all I want.”

“Only she isn’t your girl, James,” Peter reminded him.

“I’d like her to be,” James sighed dreamily, turning his head to look at her again. But this time, a frown overtook his face. 

She was now being tapped on the shoulder by some tall, terribly handsome looking guy. James’s stomach lurched a little at the sight. What did this guy think he was doing? 

He looked on for a moment as the two talked, growing more and more frustrated. He knew they weren’t together, but that was still his girl. He knew he had to take immediate action. This couldn’t just slide without consequence. James looked around the room almost frantically, trying to figure it out. How could he get all her attention on him instead of that stupid dude hanging off her shoulder?

Aha!

He pushed his cup into Peter’s hand, ignoring his friend questioning what on earth he was doing. He walked, though it was more of a drunken stumble, to the nearest table, clambering up on top of it. He cleared his throat, looking around as more and more people started looking up at him in confusion. Perfect! An audience.

He called her name over the crowd, looking at her intently until she turned to him with wide eyes, shrugging off the other guy that was still trying to get an arm around her. He smiled brightly, though she looked less than amused, shaking her head a little at him.

“I want everyone in this room, and… and everyone forever, everywhere, to know something. I am so, stupidly, madly…” he stopped as he stumbled a little, his foot slipping off of the table’s edge in front of him. “Shit!”

He crashed to the floor, scraping his hand on something on the table as he tried to stop himself from landing too hard on the ground. He winced, both from the tumble to the ground and the pain in his hand. What the hell was so sharp on that table?

“Ow,” he muttered, not even trying to get up yet, rubbing his head a little as he felt quite dizzy.

“James!”

He squinted up with a small, pained smile as her saccharine voice reached his ears as she came rushing over. He groaned a little when she dropped on her knees in front of him, trying to look at his hand. It was bleeding a little bit.

“You’re so fucking stupid,” she mumbled, but he still noticed the worry in her eyes. It made him feel good.

“I’m drunk.”

“Clearly,” she sighed softly, then stood, reaching for his opposite hand. “Come on. Let’s go get you home.”

“I didn’t finish what I wanted–”

“You need to get to bed. You’re a mess, Jamie.”

He smiled a little more at that little nickname. He loved it when she called him that. He agreed instantly to her at that point. How could he say no?

“Okay. Lead the way, mama.”

“...Don’t call me that.”

“Mm,” he shrugged, letting her help him stand up. He hung off of her, practically using her as a human crutch. “You’re so sweet to me.”

She stayed quiet, trying to bring him out of the room of people either staring or laughing at him. It was a miracle she got him home, but she did after a lengthy battle against the sidewalks and stairs. She sat him on his bed, making him stay put as she went to get disinfectant and a bandage for his hand.

He blinked slowly, looking after her with a dopey smile as she left and returned. She sat in front of him on the bed, taking his hand in hers. He barely whined at all when she cleaned off his hand, muttering something about him being a ‘clumsy, ridiculous cunt’. He thought it was cute how she could take care of him so well while still insulting him for being an absolute idiot. He reasoned that at least he would be her idiot. 

“Sorry, love,” he mumbled when she finished up with his hand. “But you’re awfully good at this stuff. Maybe I got hurt on purpose just so you’d take care of me.”

“No, you didn’t,” she said, practically force-feeding him some water. 

He swallowed. “No, I didn’t. But I could have. I like it like this.”

“You like having your hand all fucked up, and a room full of people laughing at you?”

“I like you sitting with me like this. Giving me alllll your attention,” he giggled. “Besides, you’re really pretty when you’re concentrating. I don’t mind getting hurt if it means you’ll do that silly little thing where your tongue sticks out a bit when you’re focusing.”

“You need to go to sleep,” she said softly, fighting a smile.

“But I didn’t finish what I was gonna say on the table.”

“Too late.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“Too bad.”

He whined. “Please? That douchebag who was all over you is gonna go right back to it if you go back to the party.”

“I’m not going back to the party. And what do you even mean? What guy?”

“The one who was on you when I got up on the table,” he pouted.

She quirked a brow. “I don’t even know that guy.”

“That’s worse! He’s gonna steal you away!” James exclaimed. “That isn’t fair. I had you first.”

She swallowed once, looking at him curiously. “What?”

“I don’t like boys looking at you or… or touching you or talking to you or anything. You were mine first. They need to back off,” he said, getting increasingly irritated. “I don’t care if you think I’m annoying or you don’t like me. Doesn’t mean some other boy gets to just… take you.”

“Slow down,” she said, grabbing his arm. “First of all, I do like you, if not evidenced by us becoming friends the past several months. Second… some dude I don’t even know isn’t gonna come along and ‘take me’. That doesn’t even make sense. Besides…”

“It does make sense! You’re so beautiful, and funny, and caring, and really mean but in a way that is super hot…”

“I don’t want to date some random frat boy, James.”

“But they want to date you!”

“Who gives a fuck?”

“I do! I love you! They shouldn’t get to butter you up and take you away from me, it isn’t fair,” he groaned, tossing himself back onto the pillows.

As a result, he didn’t see her mouth drop open at the accidental confession, nor the way her eyes widened as she looked at him. 

“You love me?”

“What?���

“You just said you love me.”

James opens his eyes, though he doesn’t look at her. “...no I didn’t.”

“You’re a shit liar, Jamie. I know what I heard.”

He winced a little. “Well… maybe I do. That’s what I was gonna say on the table, anyway.”

“So you’re brave enough to say it in front of a crowd, but you get scared to admit to it one-on-one?” She snorted a laugh.

“It’s easier to not get rejected right away when we’re around other people. Then at least I could figure out your reaction when you were still far away,” he said meekly, finally looking at her.

“You think I’d reject you?”

“Maybe? You kind of hated me when we first met.”

“And now? Who do I spend every waking moment with, dummy?”

“...me?”

She merely raised her brows, opening her hands in an ‘obviously, dumbass’ kind of gesture. He smiled at her.

“So…?” he asked vaguely.

“So… you love me, huh?”

He merely nodded, looking a little sheepish and still pretty drunk. She was thanking her lucky stars that she was still extremely tipsy as well, or else she probably would’ve passed out from nerves.

“What if I said… like, me too?”

His eyes widened. “You too?”

“Yeah.”

“You love me too? Like, also?”

“Yes, like, also,” she laughed. “I’ve honestly had a crush on you since the second day of classes this year.”

“Really?” He smiled brightly. “Ugh, you’re horrible!”

“What?” she scoffed a laugh.

“You are evil! I’ve been saying it since day one. This whole time I thought I was an idiot for liking you so much, and you had a crush on me?”

“To be fair, I really didn’t want to. You were pretty insufferable,” she chuckled, brushing some of his messy hair out of his face.

“Then what changed for me?”

“Nothing. I just started thinking all of your irritating traits were becoming irritatingly adorable.”

“You think I’m adorable?” He giggled to himself.

“Don’t push your luck, Potter.”

“Don’t call me that. I like it better when you call me Jamie.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Makes me all soft and mushy inside.”

“You’re such a sap,” she sighed softly, leaning down over him to kiss his cheek.

He felt his cheeks heat up quickly at the sweet gesture, and even more when she didn’t pull her face away from his. He looked up at her with a soft smile. How could he not have fallen head over heels?

He leaned up slightly, glancing down at her lips before closing his eyes to let her make the first official move. He hoped she’d make that move. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach, and sparks all over his body when he felt her lips meet his for the first time. He smiled into the kiss, unable to stop himself from it.

He kissed her back, though it was admittedly sloppy with the both of them still fairly inebriated, James being even more so. But to him at the very least, it was perfect.

Against his preference, she pulled away. He pouted, as he usually did when he didn’t get as much attention from her as he’d like.

“You have to promise me something,” she said quietly.

His ears perked up. “Anything.”

“We won’t become annoying like Lily and Marls or Sirius and Remus.”

He grinned. “Does that mean you want to date me?”

“God, you’re dense,” she muttered against his lips, kissing him again with no intention of ever stopping.

[copperbadge]

There’s a passage in one of Dorothy Sayers’ novels, I think Gaudy Night, where Harriet says something to the effect of, “You think, if I can just get through this minute or day or week, everything will be fine, but once you do you’re faced with another minute or day or week that’s just as complicated and difficult, and life becomes one long string of surviving.” Which sounds bleak, but she’s talking about escaping that cycle and finding real stability, like overall it’s a positive passage. I really should look it up.

Anyway, I was thinking about it because I’ve been trying variations on my ADHD medication, based on conversations with my psych. I’ve found that I can’t do the 20mg-once-a-day often because if I’m not compensating for fatigue, then it just makes me scattered; 10mg twice a day is the best dosage for me in a consistent sense. (I’m also trying saffron extract, which sounds woo-woo but does in fact seem to have some clinical significance in testing; using it to supplement the 10mg is going well, using it on top of 20mg is not...helpful.) 

It involves a lot of self-reflection because ideally the Adderall would be a driving force behind me getting stuff done, but there are still days where I take it and feel very low initiative. Frequently, I don’t even notice that I think of something to do and then do it, which has not been traditionally the way my life works, it’s just not as consistent as I’d like.  

But I’m noticing that on the days when it’s still hard to start stuff, I feel this weird, effusive sense of wellbeing when I finish things. It turns out when you accomplish a task it’s supposed to feel good. Generally, when I accomplish a task, it hasn’t felt anything -- it’s felt like Harriet, saying “Well, I just have to get through this” and then having to face something new to get through once the first task is done. But now, when I clean out my inbox or put dishes away or finish a work task...I feel good, I feel accomplished.

No real point in saying this other than to document it, but as an FYI to people who are considering getting a diagnosis, or diagnosed but not yet sure about taking medication, if you can’t start shit or don’t feel good when you finish shit, there are apparently other ways to live. I’m as shocked as anyone. 

[carawenfiction]

Will we have an update soon?

Tumblr won't let me make normal posts for some reason, so the update will have to be in form of an answer to this ask smh. Anyway:

Hey everyone!

This post is long overdue, I know. I’m really sorry to those who have been worried about my wellbeing, as well as those who have been waiting around for an update for so long.

I’ve put off writing here because this “update” is something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. But I can’t keep going back and forth on it forever, which is why I’m now letting you all know that the Shadow Society is officially discontinued.

I know that this might not come as much of a surprise to anyone at this point. I’ve tried to salvage the story by remaking it into something I’m happy with through a rewrite. But I’ve rewritten the rewrite itself more than once, and no matter what I do, I’m just not happy with the result. Rewriting something that’s already published with all the coding it involves is a lot more tricky than I initially thought it would be.

This is not a case of me being needlessly harsh on myself, however; it’s simply a truth I’ve come to realize after struggling to find a way to keep going with the story. I’ll never be fully content with it, or even content enough, unless I’d be able to completely remake and rewrite everything from scratch – and consequentially, I will never find enough motivation to continue because of how unhappy I am with it.

I’ve seen some speculation about my reason for rewriting the story and my long absence, and that they’ve had to do with comparisons to other IFs (well, you know which one). This isn’t entirely the case. While the comparisons did happen and probably still do, and while they were discouraging in the beginning, I can definitely understand where people have been coming from when making them. I talked about this more in-depth in the forums right after the release of TSS.

The main reason for why I can’t continue is that it’s not a series I feel passionate enough about to work on. My tastes have changed, and so has my writing to some degree. I’ve tried to convince myself that I am passionate about it. It’s hard to admit that you’re not when it’s been in your head for so long, when you’ve tried for so long to make this work and when you know that one part is published and that some people are anticipating a continuation. But it had to be done sooner or later.

Other reasons:

-While I don’t think that my writing style has changed drastically, I feel like it is somewhat different from how I wrote back in 2018 (which is a GOOD thing). Whenever I tried working on the rewrite or second book and attempted to emulate the writing of TSS, it just didn’t sound right anymore, and that took a lot of fun out of it.

-With everything that has happened with CoG over the past few years, they are no longer a company I want to write for.

Please know that none of this has discouraged me from writing in general. I still love doing it. If anything, this has taught me a lot about what I actually want to write and the writing process in general. Whether I end up publishing anything else in the future or will simply do so for my own enjoyment we’ll just have to see, though.

I still have the idea of a shadow-like world in my head, and maybe it’s one I will revisit at some point. Maybe there will be another version of TSS someday, albeit very different from the original one.

But for now, I can only thank you all for the overwhelming love and support over the years, and apologize for any disappointment this has caused. If people are interested, I’d be happy to share parts of the rewrite and unused ideas. The Tumblr page will still stay up at least for some time, but I will probably not be answering any asks from here on out.

EDIT: Forgot to add, but if anyone wants a genuinely amazing IF read you should check out my friend's wip here: https://uroboros-if.tumblr.com/ ❤️ Play the demo here: https://mistyriousness.itch.io/uroboros

[anti-dazai-blog]

34- To kill two mockingbirds with one stone (and other complaints)

Welcome back to the Anti-Dazai Series!! 

I’s been around 5 months since the last time I’ve posted. I’m back now. I’ll be here until school starts again (this is a joke actually because school starts on Thursday. I’m here for the next two days until I’ll disappear again.) 

Thank you all for sticking around regardless of my inconsistent posting schedule and tendency to disappear for months once school gets busy. I really truly appreciate it. And to people who appear in my notes often—I recognize your urls and love you all individually. Thank you so much for enjoying this series, I hope to continue creating content you enjoy. 

Now onto what you’re all here for: grievances with Dazai.

————————————————————————————

Atsushi and Akutagawa are now face to face on the Moby Dick. This was orchestrated by Dazai, as a part of his artificial rivalry-making project.

The moment Atushi sees Akutagawa, he begins having his standard trauma flashbacks of all the times Akutagawa attacked him—notably, the times previously mentioned in the anti-dazai series, where Dazai provoked Akutagawa into Attacking Atsushi. During those entries, I’ve noted that all of these attacks would not have happened had Dazai not created a personal reason for rivalry between Akutagawa and Atsushi by repeatedly mocking Akutagawa through saying Atsushi’s better than him in every way.

So we already know that Dazai was responsible for Akutagawa’s attacks on Atsushi, as well as those attacks being something that didn’t happen by accident through a butterfly affect Dazai couldn’t have predicted—on the contrary, causing Akutagawa to attack was the sole goal of his provocations. What we now know, however,  is that these attacks did more damage than physical. 

Atsushi’s mental state as always been.. bad. Not good. Right from the start, we see him constantly reliving his trauma from his days at the orphanage whenever anything triggers it. While it’s unclear if the other characters are aware of how severe his trauma is or how frequently he relives it, I find it hard to believe that a character like Dazai, who’s constantly shown to be practically omniscient, would be entirely unaware of Atsushi’s poor mental state. Yet he gives him more trauma to add to his never-ending pile. 

As per usual, Atsushi and Akutagawa spar until Dazai puts a stop to it. Ironic, considering he also put a start to it, but I digress. Dazai, who has been guiding Atsushi from afar through a comm device, tells Atsushi that the way to get Akutagawa off his back is to tell him that Dazai wants to tell him something, throw the comm, and run. 

Atsushi does this—and as Dazai predicted, Akutagawa chases the comm, giving Atsushi an opening to run. 

Akutagawa devotes his entire life to Dazai. Dazai doesn’t spare him five seconds unless he’s using that time to antagonize him under the guise of training. But Akutagawa would prefer this antagonization over being ignored. 

Dazai knows this, and knows that his current goal is buying Atsushi more time to complete his mission. Or so he claims. Because if he were actually acting on that goal, he would have stayed on the comm and had a long, drawn-out conversation with Akutagawa. Or he didn’t even have to do that much—he could just stay on long enough to say “don’t attack Atsushi, I’ll never speak to you again if you attack him today.” 

But as we know, Dazai’s goal is not to help Atsushi or ensure his safety and wellbeing. He instead is working towards establishing an artificial rivalry that serves no purpose other than being an entertaining side project for him to work on. [I’ve elaborated more on this in other posts, but in short—the “second generation of double black” truly serves no purpose and other ability users can do what they do much better than them.] 

So instead of speaking a word to Akutagawa, he decides to kill two birds with one stone by hanging up—antagonizing Akutagawa while furthering his and Atsushi’s rivalry.

Because of this, I titled this entry “to kill two mockingbirds with one stone”—merging the common expression with the name of a famous book. Originally, I was planning on titling this one “kill two birds with one stone,” but that expression has a neutral to positive connotation. It’s usually convenient to get two things done at once. “to kill two mockingbirds” sets the tone much better.

For those unfamiliar with the origins of the book’s title, “To Kill a Mockingbird” is names as such after a very minor yet significantly symbolic scene in the book. The protagonist’s father gifts her and her brother air rifles, and explains that they can aim at any birds they see, since they eat people’s crops and destroy their gardens. However, they must never aim at a mockingbird. Their father explains that unlike most other birds, mockingbirds don’t harm the crops or gardens. They don’t cause harm and therefore they shouldn’t be harmed.

It's a repeated theme throughout the book—harm should not be caused to the innocent. It will be—it always will be—there will always be people out there who, through malice or thoughtlessness or stupidity, harm people who never did anything to them. But regardless, each person must try their best to avoid killing mockingbirds.

And now back to Akutagawa. 

Akutagawa may not seem innocent at first glance, but he doesn’t kill mindlessly. He doesn’t kill for fun. He doesn’t get any enjoyment or pleasure from it. He kills when he finds it to be necessary. Yes, he can be provoked into attacking Atsushi, but that’s about it, and that’s because of the deeply rooted emotions and trauma he has surrounding his former mentor. 

And as for Atsushi—he’s undeniably innocent here. He never asked to be here, he never even asked to join the agency [and similarly, Akutagawa did not intend to join the mafia]. Yet he’s dragged into all of this and is now forced to go on this mission that he’s underqualified for. 

Yet Dazai finds a way to harm both of them at once—Akutagawa, by ingraining his worthlessness into him further by pretending he was willing to talk to him, just to hang up the moment he gets the comm—a needlessly cruel way of going about it, designed specifically to hurt him. 

And Atsushi, by provoking Akutagawa further through making a blatant displaying of showing how he’s in constant communication with Atsushi but won’t say a single word to Akutagawa—thus sending Akutagawa deeper into his own self-loathing and need to prove himself—which he only knows how to do by attacking Atsushi.

So here we have two dead mockingbirds. How tragic. Let’s mourn their loss. 

On top of all that’s been mentioned, there’s one more thing to say about the harm caused by this plan—

Atsushi was sent in alone under the guise that he would be guided by Dazai the whole time. Like I said, this mission is something he’s unqualified for, and although it’s not impossible for him to succeed alone, that was not what he agreed to when getting the outline for this mission. 

Dazai wants to taunt Akutagawa so badly that he was willing to cut off Atsushi’s only contact with the outside world. Now Atsushi’s stuck, alone in a giant floating whale in the sky with two powerful ability users who would attack him on sight. 

So with that, we have the beginning of what will soon be the final boss fight of this arc. 

Please stick around until my next semester is over for more Anti Dazai Series content—I will be back—and if my workload is light this semester, I’ll post a few times during the next few months. Thank you so much for your patience 

[ilikekidsshows]

Hello, I have a couple Adrien-related questions I'd love to get your thoughts on, if you don't mind? I'll send the other separately, but for now: 1. In your opinion, how does one differentiate between Adrien's trauma response and him more generally being kind, forgiving, etc.? Not to create a false dichotomy, but I figured you might have some interesting insight.

2. At the end of season 5 Adrien is saying things like "Marinette and I are forever" and "I'm angry at myself for falling short of [her] love". I initially interpreted this as a sign that the boy needs therapy, for his own wellbeing (and I mean that in the best way possible). Things like Plagg responding with "forever!?" told me this was intentional, that the writing team is aware and will address it one day. But now I have my doubts, that it's just supposed to be "romantic." Thoughts?

And I'm sorry, but one more thing to add to my second question: they go out of their way to show things beyond his control preventing him from telling Marinette about London (Marinette interrupting him, Chloe interrupting him, etc.). It seems like the narrative isn't really blaming him, then? For struggling to tell her? Unless I misinterpreted. But regardless this was another thing that, at least initially, led me to believe the writers were intentional in writing his trauma response.

—

I’ll preface this by stating that I’m not the originator of the “Adrien’s fawning is a response to abuse” reading, so this might not cover all there is to it, but here’s my take: it's about how Adrien responds specifically to himself being wronged and how it differs from the way he acts in other conflict situations.

I'll use a comparison to illustrate. Adrien doesn't react to Chloé's behavior the same way he does to Gabriel's and Ladybug's. This is the key difference between thinking “Adrien is just nice/forgiving” and “this reaction has been conditioned through abuse”. Adrien can talk back to Chloé, disagree with her vehemently and will hold his ground even when she doesn't want to budge. Adrien also doesn't make excuses for her because he can admit she's in the wrong. Even when Chloé pushes his boundaries, like trying to kiss him, Adrien can enforce said boundaries by pulling away or pushing her back.

Meanwhile, with Gabriel and Ladybug, Adrien doesn't feel safe in arguing back. He used to do so with Ladybug, but the more unreasonable she's become, the more he backs down. Furthermore, even when he doesn't think the way he’s being treated is right, he makes excuses for Gabriel and Ladybug. “My father is busy”, “you were perfect, as you always are” are things Adrien has to tell himself so that he doesn't have to say: “they don't care about how I feel”. Attempting to enforce his own boundaries with these people almost every time leads to those boundaries being crossed anyway, and that's when Adrien bothers to even try.

As for the second part, I’ve been wondering similar things, and the wisemen of the groupchat have come to the consensus that someone in the writing team knows what they're doing, but they have to go with what Astruc wants in terms of the big picture so that the working environment doesn't become unbearable. Astruc ghosted and blocked a friend he liked so much he based a character on them when they agreed with some criticism of the show. Imagine being employed under this man, and trying to tell him his main romance is toxic and both parties need therapy. Yeah.

There are so many throwaway lines in Miraculous that acknowledge how unhealthy and blatantly wrong the things depicted in it are, that the story at large ignores. It honestly feels like someone on staff is sneaking that stuff in to give the audience at least a minor cue that what they're seeing isn't fine even as Astruc insists it is and carries on like it is. So, basically, someone on the writing team is aware of it, but it still won't ever get addressed because Astruc is ignoring the issues.

As for the “things beyond Adrien's control stopping him” part, that's the metaphorical tower. The writers have called Adrien the “princess in the tower”, and the show gets in on this association with the princess/knight Adrinette imagery. Adrien isn't being blamed for the tower he’s trapped in because Marinette will save him. Can't save him from something that's his own fault, so, for once, Adrien doesn't get victim blamed.

[alluralater]

how have you been doing, just in general

i’m okay. tired. the past couple weeks are the first i have had since october that i haven’t felt like a constant walking ball of stress. my period is wrecking me tremendously emotionally and my roommate says it’s got to be because im finally not as stressed as i had been for such a long time. but!! i’m finally getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night which is pretty big news i think :) i’m currently fasting to let my body balance out again. hmm lemme think. oh!! i have really big personal projects in the works that i’m excited about!! ummmm i am finally beginning to take self care nights again which is really cool :) i’ve decided im going to slow down on all casual sex because it seems lately that i kind of just start like crying and having mild panic attacks when people try to do things like that with me which results in me leaving, which is definitely a resurgence of childhood trauma now that my mom and brother have passed away and i’m one of three left standing in a memory when things all began. i really think im at a point where my life is in… such a different place. i want more for myself. i see my future as something which does truly exist and more than vaguely. i feel okay, which is more than i can say i’ve felt in a very long time. in general i feel… like i’m right where the universe wants me. at least for today. and tomorrow is just— well, that’s tomorrow. the people i love are doing okay, so i’m okay.

this was not so general and i almost didn’t answer bc i don’t usually answer asks about my wellbeing but, thank you for asking <3

[oopsgracie]

my thoughts on loki season two so far…

i’m really struggling with this season of loki because i want to love it but why so many filler episodes? i feel like this did nothing to develop plot or relationships or even loki as a character. true, i do like the whole OB as a science teacher come wannabe bestseller and his role in helping loki control time slipping, and i enjoyed seeing their original timelines but i feel like this could have been done differently, perhaps not in less time, but in a way that made it feel like loki genuinely connects with these people. i don’t remember him having a conversation with b-15 about anything other than the T.V.A, similar situation when it comes to casey although they’ve had more screen time together. if his life’s new glorious purpose is wanting to reunite his friends and restore order, then put some effort into making their bonds with loki and each other more authentic?

can we also talk about why sylvie and loki weren’t reset, i know this might be answered next episode, i just hope it doesn’t become a plot hole.

we’re so often reminded that he’s a god, but it seems to be that everybody else has forgotten he’s the god of mischief, chaos, that this man invaded the whole of new york less than a month ago. with some good character development, or even a plot in which he questions his choices and desires and finds this motivation within himself later, maybe i could believe that he truly wants to restore what he has always sought to remove, but i feel like the loki i saw in this episode is no different to the loki i met at the end of season one, or even s2ep1, when his biggest concern was sylvie’s wellbeing, except that he’s done a one eighty in what he believes and has become this blindly led hero figure.

also loki and sylvie in general, i know it’s unpopular (coming from somebody that really loved their relationship) but also integral to the first season. you can’t erase a relationship that has already driven the plot of six episodes and dare i say most of loki’s character development? except apparently you can, because that seems to be what the writers have chosen to do. push any kind of tension you like, have him hate her for what she did, have him try to do everything without her and fail, but at least give them some screen time? what happened to her being his glorious purpose? what happened to finding a place on the timeline together? what happened? i love mobius and OB, but they don’t replace the dynamic of two loki variants trying to navigate the ideas of a multiverse, order against chaos and what it means to be loved. that’s what made season one so compelling and now it’s been replaced with a vapid quest to fix up a rusty old loom. i don’t know if people who disliked their relationship were listened to and that was the catalyst for such a change, and i get that it’s not for everyone, but if that’s the decision they came to at least break it off in a way that works with the storyline rather than immediately end it with no explanation. no character has mentioned how they’re feeling after everything’s gone down and with such clear moments in which these conversations could have been had, they just didn’t. the pie room— with both sylvie and mobius, the bar scene, the ferris wheel. i feel like i’ve heard sylvie say the same few lines over and over again, that she hates the T.V.A, hates HWR, wants to be free from the time fascists and make her own choices and then she leaves. even after loki speaks of thor, they talk but they don’t say anything that’s hasn’t already been understood. it goes nowhere and feels unsatisfying, like we’re going round in circles which ironically, but i suspect unintentionally, seems quite fitting with the story.

this season has its moments, i just wanted something of substance.

that’s not to say i don’t enjoy watching it, any loki content is content i’ll find joy in and i truly love the concept of this season, exploring time loops and the ouroboros, how terrifying kang is made out to be, sylvie realising she needs the T.V.A, science and time-travel to hunt down a rogue miss minutes and renslayer (who doesn’t love loki in a suit?), but i think that what matters (loki, his development and his relationships) has been executed poorly, sacrificed to advance the MCU rather than the series, which seems a shame when they had already been so well established coming into the second season, or maybe my expectations were just too high. i almost hope they don’t push any intense friendship/love interest moments in the final episode when it’s all been so neglected.

absolutely no hate to those who feel differently i just needed somewhere to point out all my frustrations :)

[haleigh-sloth]

(1) I’ve largely erred on the side of not saying this because I don’t care to rain on anyone’s parade, but since you mentioned feeling like the friendship between Tomura and Spinner can get blown out of proportion, I can think of at least one concrete reason for why that disconnect might exist. I obviously don't blame people for taking the official translations at face value, but I feel like Spinner's line about "bonding" with Tomura over games is another example of sentiments getting

Ahhhhhh lot of good stuff here

Putting a cut for length but also people who just don't wanna see this type of response

I feel this way about a lot of peoples' interpretations of the League and their interactions. Not just Spinner and Shigaraki, but all of them. I feel like a lot of gestures get blown way out of proportion. Shigaraki's "I just want them to be able to live how they see fit" does not equal "Their happiness is my priority, and I'm going to work to create a world where they can be happy". I'm sorry but those two are not the same thing, and I haven't seen Shigaraki act in such a way either. Those two goals may point in the same direction (they don't because he's a fucking liar to his own face and so is Toga to her own face), but that kind sentiment did not suddenly mean that he is prioritizing their happiness and wellbeing above all else. If that was the case, well, they wouldn't have formed a giant ass army to take on the world at war and risk dying (which one of them did) and Spinner wouldn't be in the situation he is in now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

I don't want to rain on people's parades either, but my opinions are pretty clear and have been for a while and people have had plenty of time to block/unfollow me as they see necessary. So at this point, I don't hold back (I try very hard to avoid being super negative though about any character in general). I used to hold back my not so popular (in the villain corner of the fandom) interpretations on the League up until recently. As we've gotten closer to the end, I've decided that I'm just gonna put my opinion out into the void even if many people--specifically in the little circle of blogs I occupy--don't like it. And many don't, and that's okay. My opinion doesn't change unless the manga gives me a reason to change it.

Spinner and Shigaraki--I have a lot of issues here, MAJORITY of it due to fandom hyping them up as more than they are. And look, I don't care when stuff is clearly fanon or headcanons. Posts that are meant to be taken that way are usually pretty clear about it. But these are whole analyses based off of this overblown bond/friendship that literally only Spinner seems to acknowledge/be so attached to.

I don't doubt Shigaraki views everyone in the League as a friend in some capacity. I don't doubt that at all. I don't doubt that he cares and genuinely wants them to live how they want. However, I would like for someone to show me where he pays the same type of special attention to Spinner that Spinner gives to him. Imo, Shigaraki treats them all pretty equally--Spinner included.

I didn't know that about the Japanese, and yet, I still felt this way. Assuming that someone who has a good understanding of Japanese can correct your statement, I'm gonna take your word for it since I can't say shit otherwise lol. But cool--yeah that particular line is used quite a bit. And I get it! It's fun especially if you ship the characters or just enjoy their interactions.

But I feel like people overlook the fact that Spinner's idolization and attachment is literally negative and is a challenge in his arc, not some cute uwu friendship that was just about video games (when would they have played video games in canon??? WHEN????).

Spinner decided to seriously devote himself to Shigaraki (which in itself is a weird not great thing to do) during MVA, because it looked as if Shigaraki had made progress and overcome a barrier and become this all powerful destructive god who can make dreams come true (dreams for someone who wants to lash out at least). But MVA was not any of that. MVA was Shigaraki doing exactly what AFO wanted him to do--get worse emotionally, spiral more mentally and become even more unstable, and hate himself to the point that he sees no point in thinking or hoping for change for the better. Perfect, all according to keikaku. And THAT is when Spinner was like "FUCK YEAH THIS GUY". I know Spin didn't know that, but come oN guys THE TIMING OF IT IS SO FORETELLING.

AND IT WAS. Because look now. What has turned me completely off to this dynamic is the fandom hyping it up as a pure devotion that isn't stemming from a lot of self-worth issues and negative idealization. Spinner associates Shigaraki with destruction, rage, anger, and misery. That's also what Shigaraki associates himself with, and that's exactly what AFO wants. And man, he sure got it out of both of them.

And I'd like it if people acknowledged that more for what it is, but it's just reduced down to "two gamers that AFO groomed and took advantage of". And I feel that is just super oversimplifying what actually happened. AFO didn't groom Spinner from the age of 5, he took advantage of a vulnerability he was able to pinpoint super quickly after Spinner made it painfully obvious.

I like Spinner more on his own, and I like the potential for him to face the reality that him ignoring his gut instincts in favor of that dream of destruction he associates with Shigaraki eventually led to him making things worse for Shigaraki--unintentionally. I mean he hasn't made shit hit the fan YET--but man if things aren't looking ominous as fuck right now. AFO is counting on Spinner? Oof. But the potential for drama here is exciting, and I'm ready for it.

But yeah. I agree--it's overblown imo. It has become a plot point in Shigaraki's arc in a negative way. So I feel people miss the mark when they focus on how devoted Spinner is to Shigaraki during all of this mess, because that's exactly why things look the way they do lol.

[theminecraftgay]

Quick PSA as I’ve been seeing an uptick in this behavior and I want to set my feelings on this straight.

I do requests because they’re fun and I like them. I draw my friend’s OCs because they’re fun and I like them. I draw my friends’s AUs because they’re fun and I like them. I do ArtFight because it’s fun!

This does not mean I owe anyone free art. If I have drawn for you once, this does not mean I am your artist now. If I ask for requests and burn out before I finish them, I do not owe you that work. This has been especially bad recently, I have had more and more projects requested of me recently, sometimes in a very demanding and complex manner, and I am going to say now this will no longer be tolerated.

I would be less bitter if it were not for the fact many of these people have liked my commission posts, not shared them, and then still requested free work. Even if I did not also have my own projects, jobs, schooling, and general wellbeing to take care of, that behavior is disrespectful.

I do not want this to be misunderstood as a demand for payment. No one is well right now, I understand this well. It is, however, a demand for respect for my job. If you want personal artwork, pay an artist. If you don’t want to pay an artist, make it yourself. It is not a compliment when you beg for free work, it tells me my art is not worth anything to you.

My commissions are HERE. If you want me to draw for you, that’s how you do it.

[naminethewriter]

One's Hometown, One's New Home

Chapter Four: Interrupted Shopping Trip

Masterpost | First | Previous | Next | Ao3

@tss-anxceit-week

Summary: Janus’ hometown is a usually quiet place where everyone knows everyone. So when someone new moves in, they’re usually the hottest topic of local gossip. The newcomer then comes by the library Janus works at, he can’t help but chat with him a little. Doesn’t hurt that he’s good looking as well.

Content Warnings: Injuries, Blood mentioned

~~*~~

Janus did most of his shopping by foot. He lived alone and didn’t need all that much, plus the supermarket was just five minutes away. That Monday was no different. The weather had soured somewhat, dark clouds gathering overhead but no rain yet.

The encounter with the wolf the day before was still on Janus’ mind. The animal had been way too calm in his presence. It had trusted him to help with only a few words. Something itched in Janus’ brain as he paid for his groceries, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what was bothering him about it so much, apart from the general strangeness of the situation.

Though, Janus supposed there wasn’t much point in mulling it over for so long. He probably wouldn’t see that wolf again.

(His intuition disagreed.)

He was on his way home, two bags hanging from his arms, when he spotted Virgil walking a bit ahead of him.

Well, not walking but rather limping.

Huh.

Janus hurried his step, now worried.

“Virgil!” he called, but the other didn’t react.

Wrong, he did react but not by turning around or acknowledging him but by slightly speeding up.

As if Janus was going to let him get away while he was clearly hurt.

He sped up again, but Virgil stubbornly did his best to get away from him. Too bad for him that Janus knew the surrounding area a lot better than him. As the other continued down the road, Janus slipped into a small footpath that let him cut around the upcoming curve and ahead of Virgil.

Janus waited at the other end of the path for the other to get close. Virgil was looking behind him, probably to see if Janus was still following. So when he instead stepped in front of him, he was none the wiser.

Until he turned around and startled so bad that he shifted his weight on his bad leg, almost falling over. Thankfully, Janus reacted quickly and stabilized him.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but please be more mindful of your wellbeing,” Janus chided. “Has your doctor allowed you to move it this much?”

As soon as he had control over his balance again, Virgil pushed Janus away, not harshly but persistent. Janus let him, taking a step back.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to worry,” Virgil mumbled, avoiding looking Janus in the eyes. “I’ve got it under control.”

“Do you?” Janus asked with his eyebrows raised. He motioned to Virgil’s pant leg that showed a small, but growing bloodstain. Virgil cursed as he saw it.

“Why the fuck–? It was closed earlier, why is it bleeding again?”

“Probably because you kept moving it. Come on, my house isn’t far from here, I can bandage you up.”

Virgil didn’t seem to like that suggestion at all as he violently shook his head.

“No, that’s fine. I can do it myself when I get home, it’s not a big deal, so just let me—”

“Virgil,” Janus interrupted firmly. “Injuries aren’t a matter to be simply shrugged off, especially if they’re bleeding. It could get infected, just let me help you. If you don’t want me to see, at least let me drive you to a doctor or something.”

“No doctors!” Virgil protested immediately and Janus stared at him suspiciously.

“Why not? You have shown this to one already, haven’t you?”

“Uhm…”

“Virgil, you had a professional check on your wound, right?”

“Look, it’s fine, I had worse and dealt with it myself, I don’t need a doctor to ask me a bunch of questions and stuff…” He broke off, looking to the side. Janus kept his staring up. Virgil squirmed under his gaze but didn’t say any more.

With a sigh, Janus let his eyes wander back down, to the bloody pant leg. The stain hadn’t grown wider, so the wound may have already stopped again, but he still didn’t like the idea of leaving Virgil alone to deal with it.

Wait a minute, why did this situation feel so familiar.

“Anyway,” Virgil spoke up, breaking the prolonged silence, “I’m gonna go home now.” He tried to move past Janus, but the other quickly stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“There is no way I’m letting you deal with this alone, Virgil. Believe me, the doctor’s not gonna care all that much about what happened, pretty much every second person in this town has stepped into a bear trap at some point, me included.”

Virgil stiffened.

Bingo.

“I— I don’t know what you’re talking about. What bear trap? I didn’t—”

“Oh, please Virgil, you’re a horrible liar. And I’m exceptionally good at knowing when I’m lied to.”

By that point, Virgil did look genuinely panicked. Carefully, Janus lowered his arm and gently took Virgil’s hands in his.

“It’s okay, Virgil. I’m not going to tell anyone. I just want to take care of your wound. Please? Let me help you again?”

Virgil stared at him, wide-eyed.

“How— how did you know?” His voice was small as he asked, and Janus smiled softly.

“Just intuition.”

[hardtchill]

For me it’s very similar to the other anon. I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve still not got my bachelors degree because I had to quit my first go around at uni since i physically couldn’t learn for my exams. Granted it was compounded by other issues such as depression and anxiety but i genuinely believe that a not insignificant part of those issues come from the fact that adhd makes it near impossible to organise myself (unmedicated btw).

Seeing this on my feed rn is kind of ironic since even though im in my third year of a degree that I actually enjoy now, I literally dropped out of an exam that I was supposed to write today cuz I couldn’t revise. It’s not like I didn’t have the time and I’ve known for weeks about the deadline, but with every assignment or exam I push my own boundaries further and further back until I can’t do it anymore. Last semester I crammed 84 pages worth of notes in under 48h, an exam mind you that I’d pushed back over a year and was literally my last shot or I’d not be allowed to continue with my studies. I barely slept, I was throwing up, but I somehow passed, and with a good grade at that. Since then my brain is like, well you managed to do that that one time so you can totally afford to wait until the DAY before an exam to finish it. Or write a 15 page paper in a day.

And you know what, maybe I can. But the problem is the cost. It’s killing me. I find that it’s also very isolating cuz generally people don’t have a lot of empathy for this? So I end up pulling back from everyone including my best friends until I’m at a point again where I can be around people without letting on how incredibly bad I’m doing. Or I just straight up lie so they don’t know that I’ve not done the things i said I would do.

And all this is not just within the framework of academia. It’s also impacted my wellbeing in a more general sense - cooking for myself is hard because I tend to not listen to my body’s cues until I’m on the verge of passing out cuz i forgot to eat or drink, or by the time I’m hungry I still have to make a meal so I end up ordering something cuz it’s faster. Same with showering daily or brushing your teeth. Getting any routine started in general and sticking with it. I’ve been meaning to start exercising again but I keep delaying it for no reason. I’ve worked out regularly in the past so I know it’s something that I enjoy and that makes me feel good but despite that I’m still stuck in this place of inertia? It’s awful.

I’ve talked to some friends who also have adhd about it and the inability to start something cuz it isn’t instantly gratifying or that doesn’t align with an interest but is an obligation is quite common. Can I binge 7 seasons of a reality show in a week if it really interests me? Hell yeah! (I do watch everything at 2x speed cuz everyone talks too slow lmao but still). Will i fly through a massive book and literally forego sleeping if it means getting through more of it if im really invested? Absolutely. 1500 puzzle? Massive Lego set? Yep! Taking notes from a textbook for an assignment? Literally kill me right now.

I’m sorry for this long ass message and idek if you’re gonna read all of this but yeah just wanted to share my experience. Adhd is absolutely not quirky or a superpower and I wish there was a better understanding of it out there because it makes me my own worst enemy every day.

Ugh anon i feel you so much. I have skipped on many an exam during my bachelors because i just couldn't concentrate, focus or start revision. It's completely miserable to literally see the time go by where you feel the stress but you just cannot get your brain to start on what you need to do.

Any time i told teachers and now colleagues that i work well with deadlines i get told i'm not motivated enough because if i was i wouldn't need deadlines. That's just so unfair! My brain is graving dopamine, it's not laziness that my brain does this, it's literally just ADHD.

This is the same reason why your brain (usually) jumps into action when that crippling anxiety hits, because you're so close to a deadline that your brain can smell the dopamine.

The only reason that i finished my 6 month thesis is because i had many mini deadlines during those 6 months. I felt the anxiety to finish a part of it every month and i had a teacher who was very nice and gave you compliments when you did (DOPAMINE). If i didn't have that i would still be writing my thesis now.

ADHD is so misunderstood by so many people. It affects every part of your life and the negative consequences are so much bigger and impactful than the potential positive outcomes. I mean yeah i'm creative and can think fast, awesome but that doesn't make up for the anxiety, stress and grief you go through anytime your brain just doesn't want to start something.

[denimbex1986]

'Andrew Scott doesn’t always play the kindest characters on-screen – he’s known for villainous roles such as Moriarty in Sherlock and Max Denbigh in Spectre – but that really couldn’t be further from real life.

The actor is generous with his time and his thoughts, despite calling from Italy where he’s currently working 12 hour days shooting a new project.

Scott, 45, says he considers mental health similar to the weather. "The weather is a changeable thing," he says. "If you’re in the driving rain, there’s no point in screaming up at the sky saying, ‘Please stop raining, please stop raining’. The best thing you can do is just accept it’s raining, and know that it will stop."

For the Dublin-born star, a huge factor in the male mental health crisis is society’s perceived expectations of men, to be ‘manly’ and have a stiff upper lip. "I think it’s to do with vulnerability," he muses. "Expressing vulnerability is something that’s considered in some way a ‘feminine’ trait – but I think vulnerability is a brilliant trait in a person."

"There’s a real stigma about how we approach mental illness," Scott continues. "Not one of us would say, ‘I’ve never been physically ill’ – and in exactly the same way, it seems preposterous to me that we would say we’ve never had any mental illness.

"I think we associate mental health with having to check into somewhere or having to take medication, or being diagnosed with something. But I think we have to understand it’s on a spectrum. The difference between where we land on that spectrum has to do with communication."

Particularly as a result of the pandemic and what we’ve all been through during recent times, Scott argues now is "a good time to start talking", as most of us have experienced – to some extent – emotions we might "have never felt before", including a "lack of control and fear".

Scott likes to talk about mental health with "a certain degree of lightness", he says. "There’s a duality that exists… It sounds odd for me to say that, but as long as you can be light about your darkness, I think you’re [going to be] alright."

He admits it sounds "counterintuitive", but we need to have "a sense of humour about the fact we’re all a little bit f***** up in some way. And saying, that’s OK. Nobody said it was going to be easy all the time."

Warming to his theme, Scott continues: "It’s why sometimes funerals can be more enjoyable than weddings, because at a wedding sometimes people have this dreaded feeling of, you have to be happy, and it’s so comparative. We live in such an age of comparison with social media, and sometimes at a funeral – you don’t go up to somebody and go, ‘Oh my God, you look terrible’, if they’ve got mascara running down their face, because you’re not worrying. So people are going, ‘Here I am, I am a mess. It’s OK for me to cry’. And sometimes that’s when we feel incredibly bonded."

Scott says laughter is key to maintaining his own mental health. "I try and laugh every day," he says passionately. "It’s such a human attribute – the animals, as much as I love them, they don’t laugh as much as we do. Sometimes I think we can measure someone’s humanity almost by how much they laugh every day and how much they’re able to appreciate laughing.

"[Sometimes you have to say] this is all ridiculous, this doesn’t end well for any of us – we’re all going to die. So in a way, you’ve got to laugh as much as you can – that’s my attitude certainly, as I move through life."

Scott says exercise is also central to his mental wellbeing ("without a shadow of a doubt"). Despite a gruelling schedule filming in Italy when all he might want to do is sit down at the end of a long day and eat pasta, he says: "I genuinely believe it’s an essential thing. With exercise, people think, ‘Oh my God, I have to be really fit or join a gym’, but there’s nothing I like more than going for a walk with somebody."

Walks might feel "very 2020", but "there’s something very beautiful about going for a walk with someone, because you can talk about things but you’re not facing each other," says Scott. That’s why he’s supporting the HUMEN charity’s Rise Against Suicide Sunrise Walk, which aims to ‘inspire more men to get active and talk’.

There’s another reason Scott likes a simple walk. "I love a non-event," he says. "I like the day after a wedding or getting accidentally drunk on a Tuesday afternoon with your friends. Sometimes you can have really meaningful conversations just going for a walk – or hysterical conversations. Life happens in the in-between, because there’s no pressure."'

[turquoisepearl]

I’ve been manifesting my celebrity sp and I just found out he had a girlfriend. I’ve been crying and throwing up for three days now. 💔💔 it feels like a real heartbreak because I was certain he was for me, we live kind of close to eachother too and I was seeing some movement. I’m destroyed. Should I stop? If I continue and remove the third party will it be my fault? I’m so hurt I really am so lost. I want him so bad I’d do anything. Please give me advice

Hi, love!

I'm so sorry, I know it can be incredibly difficult when the 3D shows us negative things. Even Neville struggled sometimes with not letting the outside reality sway his belief. It's natural and it happens so first I would urge you to cut yourself some slack. Let yourself feel sad, it's fine! You exist in the 3D to experience both the ups and the downs, just remember that you are safe at the end of the day. You are not anything that is happening right now, you are not your thoughts and emotions, you are safe. Even Neville said to let yourself feel anger and sadness, just don't let it permanently destroy you.

The law works in such ways that we influence the world but not everything is directly our responsibility. If the 3rd party breaks up with him, it's not your fault. The reality where she leaves him already exists, it is already there. You are only choosing to project it like a film on the silver screen. The "tapes" (reality) already exist.

I know you really don't want to hear this right now, I know I didn't last year but now that I have contact with my SP there is something I wish I had done: focused on my wellbeing. Right now you are in the state of wanting, of chasing. It's hard to believe in a future where you are together in that state. First of all, this is ok! States are fluid and can be changed whenever, with or without techniques. It's important to fully relax yourself, put yourself in a state where you feel and know you are loved (by him and in general), feel like you are the person you want to be, and when you're done: Focus on yourself and your daily life! I know you want to search him up, find all the info on the 3rd party, continue checking the 3D, etc but that will keep you from fulfilling your only requirement: Being in the state of the wish fulfilled. Don't look at the 3D. That's the only way I've seen results.

Take time off when you're not doing your imaginal acts, be the person you would be if you were in a relationship with him: would you go to the gym? What hobbies would you have? How would your morning look like? What thoughts would you think? You would most likely focus on taking care of yourself. Live that life knowing that you're already at peace. It is already yours, in every sense of those words.

Claim it, that's all it needs for it's fulfillment. You don't need to do anything more. Claim it and rest your weary head. Let the rest take care of itself. Your work is already done 💗

I truly wish you the best, love 💞💗

[genx-y]

So my line manager in this current job has been overall very supportive, especially when I’ve disclosed my diagnosis and has provided flexibility with things at times, and generally been very human in general. All very new to me, whereas my last several bosses were extremely toxic and bullying in some cases, so I’ve been a bit deer in headlights with the novelty of it and thinking it’s too good to be true.

Well, she’s announced she’s leaving (because of course) and they are not backfilling her role - too specialised and niche which is code for “we plugged various gaps with her because she and only she is extremely good at those things and we know it’ll be hard to find a replacement”. So, not only do I now not know who my boss will be (and no one makes me feel excited at the idea of being their underling) but I don’t even know what fucking team I’ll be in. Tbh I’m not even confident they won’t restructure me out, my role centres on support and wellbeing which I’m not convinced is a big priority for them. But even if they don’t, I’m really unimpressed by their whole handling of all this. Like, get your shit together. My work is important enough that I require it to be taken seriously, otherwise why the fuck employ someone in that capacity? Sooo…I think it’s back to jobhunting for me. Which is happening at such a brilliant time for me and S on so many fronts 👍👍👍 *heavy sarcasm*

And - even Secret Santa is subject to inflation apparently…£10 they’re saying. It always used to be £5? 😑

And I got the CEO for mine 😑😑

[everythingstarstuff]

Vent post ahead, of why I am overwhelmed and stressed beyond my limits right now by multiple major changes and situations.....

.I have a heart monitor again for a week because of the continuing mysterious heart problems, likely connected to panic disorder from C-PTSD and irregular heartbeat from sleep apnea but still no concrete diagnosis. I've been to the hospital a couple times of month for the past few months after going a few months without episodes. I am on medication for quitting smoking which is causing depression, irritability and outright angry feelings. There's also a constant horrible taste in my mouth and nothing tastes good, including my rolled tobacco smokes ( which is the point of the medication). I have made progress but in a week and a half I've only cut from around 15 to 5-6 a day, and still vaping though not as much. I'd like to celebrate the progress but the side effects of the medication are nasty and this is honestly harder than when I quit alcohol and all drugs. So, there's that too.

Also, last month I took the initiative to tell my psychiatrist that I feel it's time to start titrating down on the benzodiazapine Clonazepam because I've been on it for a year and the longer your in this class of anxiety medications the more gnarly the effects of coming off them are. I'm starting EMDR work in two weeks and that was part of my decision. Based on two hospital visits this past month I'm going to tell my psychiatrist on the 3rd that in April we need to pause the titrating and go slower cutting down a smaller amount each month starting in May. I believe my heart and circulation and buzzing in my head feeling like I'm gonna pass out having a hard time breathing feelings of impending doom and like I'm imminently going to die episodes that land me in the ER are a combination of still untreated apnea and the large reduction of Clonazepam causing severe panic attacks. I have been having panic attacks every day again since cutting the medicine down. So there's that too.

Lastly, I did not pass my apartment inspection for cleanliness and have received notice they will be doing a second, more thorough inspection to check if I've done the deep cleaning they've asked me to do which I've been and am unable to do on my own. Thank God for my only close friend and caretaker Shanna Detzauer , who talked me down from a panic attack after cooking my dinners for the next week. She also offered to come Saturday and Sunday or Monday if necessary to, with me, pull out the bed and small futon and my desktop computer area as well as a corner with a bunch of cat stuff and clean the floors and corners walls and baseboards. Also we need to clean the tub, detail the bathroom baseboards etc, clean all of the cupboards, clean the fridge and freezer inside and out and clean the stove inside and out as well as the drip pans. Usually I would have to beg my beautiful and always supportive sister Danielle Dail-Orcutt  in times of need for money for a cleaning crew ( which she's done a few times) and consider it an extremely generous birthday or Christmas gift. I am so lucky to have a caretaker and friend that was able to talk me down from an intense panic attack as well as offer to do this difficult extra work to help me pass this follow up inspection, 

I am so stressed out but so grateful for Shanna. Even though I am not close with anyone else enough to accept this kind of help I need to remember that as long as I have what I need I'll be okay. And somehow I always get by and survive so I will get through this really difficult time and handle all of these challenges with courage and grace and faith.If you read all this to this point you are a beautiful human being for caring and hearing me and I want to thank you for giving a shit about my wellbeing. It's been a while since I posted something this revealing and I don't care if people unfriend me or judge me for sharing a of it publicly. The ones who stick around through the hard times are the ones that matter anyhow, right?

Much love. -Josh

sidenote: I’m on disability and am below the poverty line. I barely make it each month with a tiny amount to spare. The emergency food stamps are ending this month and I will now be losing $200 in benefits. I’m not begging here, not asking for help. I know somehow I’ll get through, but I don’t know how right now.

With all that said, again, I will do my best to face these things with courage and grace and the strength of the survivor warrior I am.