#now that im actually on my time off im like. but do i Really gotta...?
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Got any fun thoughts to share about Ford and Bill?
they drive me crazy dude. i have a lot to say about them so im putting it under a readmore
ive been billpilled for 1 million years dog. hes like the Blueprint. bills the perfect entity to me: terrifying shapeshifting demon who can slip into every corner of your mind and read all your thoughts and memories. and also hes a cartoon character with noodle arms and a cute shape. and hes a pathetic worm whos hung up on his human ex. and hes a funny little guy whos playful and mean and delights in tormenting you but juuuust enough so that he doesnt break you. Hes so awesome
like. listen. this isnt going to be a surprise if youve read literally anything ive ever written. but if bill possessed ford and slammed his hand in a car door and got a kick out of it and put him in a funny little outfit id be fine about it. ford was literally in a 24/7 freeuse lifestyle with him so why WOULDNT he
yeah im kind of a masochist. Why do u ask
put his ass in a horny neurotic guys body and see what happens. hit his dick with a cartoon mallet for fun. slap him around a little. feels cool and neat! like "human bodies are so responsive, huh" said while blanfords about to jam a fork into an outlet (thats my name for it btw. Im not looking it up)
what if i hurt you?? what if i dropped you??? Just kidding :-)
i dont know how much genuine sexual pleasure bill would get out of it so much as the thrill and novelty of a new human sensation but i think that could be fun in and of itself. jacking off with another guys body in a weirdly distant way like Haha Wow. Im getting kind of flustered here! (actively jamming a coke bottle into his pussy)
and the thing that really drives me crazy about ford is how much fetish shit he thinks about/makes inventions for/has inflicted upon him. i think in the series finale hes tied up like 3 fucking times. its insane. he wants to give up control of his body so fucking bad dude!!!!! (exhibit A: ford going limp like a kitten whenever hes picked up. it happens more than once.)
and theres even more contrived bondage bits in the deleted scenes! its maddening. hes an insane obsessive bdsm-lifestyling pervert and hes likethe ideal guy to match bills freak
hes soooo fucking easy. its so much fun to me. theres something really erotic about the way bill makes him feel special about his hands......like.......its naked flattery but its also kinda true. its weird. he likes weird shit. and ford falls for it soooo easy. drives me nuts
now walk with me. think about how easy that same interaction would transfer to ford being transgender. and your not allowed to get mad at me bc this is just my thing now
its so strange! kind of captivating. bills been around the block but the western conception of transmasculinity is so recent that for him it might as well be a blink of the eye. so i think it would be new to him. especially given when he actually makes a deal with ford. just another special thing about his special little guy. he *knew* there was something about ford
and to be frank i think that if you were a transmasc pervert in the 70s and a dream demon came along that understood you inside and out and can make all of your bizarre fantasies come true. well. you would have been fucking stupid not to fuck him
i need to read the book of bill so fucking bad bc the extra context of bill being super hung up on ford drives me CRAZY!!!! i love bitter lovestruck jerks. i love divorce. and i think they could and should hook up again. bad guys that are reluctantly forced to stop being so bad are so much fun and fords huge fucking ego didnt go anywhere. i think bill could convince ford to give him a second chance. at least just to hook up for old times sake
anyway. im making a bill itabag. Gotta go
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I have... my boarding pass....
And I still have to do the tips distribution tomorrow morning 😫😫😫😫😫
#speculation nation#i was like 'oh yeah i could still do that i'll make time'#now that im actually on my time off im like. but do i Really gotta...?#i will. i will...#i just might try to dodge out of the manager meeting tomorrow night lol bc i DO NOTTTT WANNA#and being halfway across the country seems like a pretty good reason to not lol#like yea it's a phone meeting Normally. no i dont wanna.#it is a weight off my shoulders tho to have dealt with the boarding pass#and i checked my bag to make sure it fit the dimensions. it will! just might have to squeeze it a lil#im not paying for a carry on bag lol so ive just got the personal item. but thats ok#i just wear my boots all the time Anyways & i dress light in the summer by default#i'll wear my bulkier clothes. my jacket and my black cargo pants. to the flight#so that i dont have to worry about fitting it in my bag :P#i wanna Have pants and a jacket just in case#might might as well save my backpack space for my several different tank tops and my two different short shorts#im a simple bitch. when it's hot i dress slutty. as is my right.#ughhhh i wanted to paint my nails tonight too.. ughhhhhhh#guess i should do that Now... it's the best time for it.......
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[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]
saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS#REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT#NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS#THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS.#ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of#another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY..#i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her#idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had#when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them.#but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore.#but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think#i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow.#ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that#AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE#I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME#THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE#WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL#in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad#this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks-#-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl-#-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi#gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show#i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!!#anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM
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and they were singin', bye-bye Miss American Pie // american oldie i think kuwabara unironically listens to
(low effort lyric edit im queueing here in May cos im probably gonna forget it exists otherwise)
#qeued post#for June cos hey pride#the idea of kuwa seeing his friends in a holy almost godly light namely yusuke#and having them all leave unexpectedly#cos before that night at Genkai's i feel like it was solidified in kuwa's brain DESPITE the sidekick complex#DESPITE the fact that he's human and the least powerful member they are still decidedly a team#A team he has a place on. But then all suddenly springing this... YUSUKE springing this departure on him. shatters that belief#yusuke says he'll be back and it seems to make things better but even so kuwabara's face still looks so solemn when he leaves#Likely cos he knows yusuke is just saying shit and doesn't even know if it's possible to come back#this wasn't supposed to be a kuwameshi post it's really not but there's always that undertone when i talk about them so#He just admires them all so much yusuke above all others only to be left behind and that's gotta fuckin hurt#The way we don't see the resolution to this feeling. The lack of belonging the abandonment#next time we see him he's just supposed to be over it but we don't really know if it actually happened#So I like to play with the idea of like . Did he really like healthily accept things or#did he just repress it and deal. Cos like eng dub he tells yusuke ''forget all that stuff I said'' immediately taking back#his harsh words bc it's either stay mad stay upset or quickly forgive and move on cos this could be the last time. or even the jdub#where he doesn't even allow the vulnerability to show enough to trail off he just spouts the normal shit bc it's what they DO he immediatel#tries to get back to the normal dynamic and push himself to being fine with it right now bc he doesn't have the luxury of being upset#when it doesn't matter cos yusuke's leaving. the last thing he hears from him shouldnt be reckless shit he was saying when he lashed out#aka i dont think kuwa's feelings get seriously addressed enough and this episode haunts me cos of that very fact#Im not making any sense. Nico as my witness I swear I was more eloquent yapping to him about it#kuwabara kazuma#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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btw one of the things i want to do when i really rap up atbb for real is spontaneously get the energy at will to do actual updated fullbodies of the main 4 since now i actually have the ability to draw them the way they look in my head & have the skills to put some more variety in their shapes. basically i wanna
#warning big character design rambling in these tags but like. were u expecting any less#if ur wondering what changed-#first of all everybody has bigger hands bc i'm actively deciding to commit to that decision because i like it :3#next russ is a bit taller . i'll probably change some other things like making his armor look more solid & making him look more frail#-without it but i dont wanna pick up my tablet rn so thats all i feel like editing with my mouse lmao#edge has the biggest changes mostly in just being Wider. i want to make him Look stronger yknow#currently its just one of those annoying “skinny anime girl actually has 2d spraypainted abs and can lift a truck” tropes that i Hate#its a lil too many triangles when he should really be more like a triangle-flavored square. yknow#that being said the weirdly feminine hips were not intentional but only time will tell if they make it into the actual final design or not#i will not be making his pauldrons wider than they were originally. those things are already wacking everything around him they're fine#fluff's change is just being a bit skinnier so he looks more pathetic and sad. probably gonna try to make him look a bit younger too#but age is hard to represent with skeletons from The Land Of Sharp Features#i might also change up his pants/shoes more idk. Baggy Everything makes a very difficult silhouette and the boots are just boring tbhh#they're the bi flag but i dont think a single person has ever noticed lmao#and stretch's biggest change is that he's going to Have A Fullbody Reference That Isn't From 2019#probably make his hoodie longer/looser so i can make the transition to the leggings less awkward & show off his tank under it a bit more#the leggings & sneakers get to stay tho i think. the red wraps the design up well & the chicken legs are funny to me :>#and karma isn't here but he'll probably also get an update to be more square as well. and NOT SKINNYYYYYY#i gotta cram some more emotional repression & inferiority complex hints into his outfit so his post-void look contrasts more its IMPORTANT#AND ALSO NEVER USE UNDERTALE SPRITES AS A REFERENCE FOR ARMOR EVER EVER EVER AGAIN#that being said im really excited to one day finally sit down and draw his post-void design i think i'll have fun with that one#theres a reason my sf bros dont really fit their “roles” in the au yet like undyne & alphys do. hehehe#basically to sum up all these tags: becoming more skilled at art is a curse because you KNOW you can do things better now
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I dont usually post WIPS, but I have nothing else original to post, and brother, I'm never consistent with Nick's hair. I had to redraw it like five times before I felt okay with a version that I liked, and I'm STILL not sure (the position of the head doesn't help either)
Nick Lightbearer when I fucking get you
#we happy few#nick lightbearer#norbert pickles#uncle jack#jack worthing#mcart#well#not really it isnt completed#mcwips#??? will that be my new tag for wips???? maybe so#anyway uhh dont expect this art to come out any time soon i just needed a break from the project that im working on but now#his hair is pissing me off so i need a break from this piece and will go back to my other stuff i gotta do#i know it would be best to change the head position but ive rarely ever drawn a head at this angle so i gotta practice that more#actually if anyone had any like advice id greatly appreciate it
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fish......
#art#traditional art#watercolour#embroidery thread#oc art#ocs#oc group: unsorted#oc: unnamed#i gotta name him. my guy whos secretly a school of fish pretending to be human#this was another study i made for class along with a few other doodles of this guy. then i got kinda roasted by my TAs lol#wasnt their fault i think they were just tired and stressed. plus theyre like the same age as me. i know what its like being 25 LOL#it did discourage me a lot in the moment because despite the everything about me thats probably apparent both through my blog and irl#i keep my art passions really REALLY closed off irl LOL so at the time i was like just barely stepping my toe out and showing my truth:#that all i do all day is draw dorky oc stuff HDKJSDS i did kinda immediately get called cringe in all but the actual word orz#it was a bummer but i think i feel better about it now. especially because again my TAs are the same age as me or younger than me#and im not gonna let a 25 year old calling me cringe get me in my head HKFSKJFDSd plus again i think they were just stressed and in a mood#because other times theyve been chill even when giving a harsh critiques so it mightve just been like. something in the air#but you know. isnt that a bit of a milestone in its own right. being called cringe in your fine arts class critique <3#but i still like my funny guy from my dream. hes just a normal ass looking guy. who is made of fish :)
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What if I exploded? What then?
#this has been my mood for like two weeks now#well actually the las couple months if were being honest#but esp these last couple weeks#im just tired and stressed and anxious as fuck#and now i got a 7pm 3hr exam tonight#AND work tmr cuz LITTERALY no one else was available#so i get to go do poorly on this exam cuz im tired from work this morning and its right through my normal dinner time#and im not able to really eat now cuz im too anxious and i gotta catch the bus in like 15mins#and then come home and basically go straight to bed#so i can work an 8hr shift tmr#aauaaugghhggg#AND i got another exam ill prolly do WORSE on on the 19th#but that ones at 9 so like not much better but id rather that than the 7pm one#and that class has a group project too thats due the same day cuz it was the last day it can be handed in#i also HATE that class so much#im just like fuckim burnt out i think#straight up considering dropping out if i fail again i dont even care anymore#or at least taking a SOLID YEAR off before finishing#cuz christ alive i need a proper fuckin break#anyways i kinda went off here#oopsies!#oh well
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time a flat circle why the hell am i usin the same loafers i bought for one cosplay of my fave antagonist for another fave antagonist
#snap chats#can i even call it cosplay. why are police sirens going off in the bg oh my god shut UP#anyway yeah ill elaborate. Super Snap Stalkers will remember my p4 era and will remember the time i did in fact do an adachi cosplay#i deleted the og post like an hour later. plus that blog's gone. but im sure some freak can find it if they dig hard enough#ew i think i was 17/18 in that pic (not at all that long ago) ok anyway.#i use the same loafers for my aoki outfit. and yeah i do Regularly wear my rgg outfits i TOLD YOU its functional cosplay i QUIT#just funny that like.... damn everything always goes back to square one LOL#these busted ass old ass loafers still rockin with me years later#if im feeling cheeky i think i will post all my rgg outfits actually. for halloween#hang on gotta be depressed and cringe for a moment#cause ive always liked cosplay but whenever i did it it never felt. Good Looking#like i always just felt like my face never worked for the charas i wanted to portray and so thats why i say with a heavy heart#that aoki's round-ass square-ass head is perfect LOL it makes me wanna throw up looking in the mirror#i got the same weird lips. ok not that squished Similar but Its Awful that he makes me feel comfortable with my face now#at least my eyebags arent double deckered... i at least look like i get sleep.. some days.#breaking !!!! objectively one of the most vile bitches in this franchise makes you feel comfortable with your body and existence#NAW to continue from last post if i had a webcam i prob coulda done a cosplay y7 stream LOL thatd be funny#anyway since this tag ramble is just pure cringe let me round it off with a final bit of cringe#the Forbidden Mention of my trans masato hc cause one reason why i have a Teehee over the thought is how raspy his voice is#and i only really now realized how right i was tonight because my prof called on me to speak and when i tried speaking DAWG.#the forbidden acknowledgement of Myself GROSS#BUT DAWG MY THROAT WAS FUCKIN CRUSTY it felt like sandpaper EW?? WATER FOR YOU?? christ. i hope that was just a one-time thing#ok im leaving now BYE
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sorry for saying I was going to do things and even starting them and then disappearing from this website entirely for three days. It will happen again
#Nothing new. Tbf I’ve done this a lot#I would say I’m focusing more on school and my personal writing but that’s more of a fucking lie than full truth#I genuinely have felt sick to my stomach posting here for whatever reason#Guilt shame anxiety paranoia etc etc you get the point. I feel like shit with no valid reason as to why#So for now I’m going to stop doing the thing that makes me overly emotionally sick to the point I have actual physical reactions????#Yeah that’s the logical course of action. Might post small personal anecdotes and doodles and such to give off the vague energy that Im fin#But beyond that I quite literally can’t. I sat down and thought about writing this post and immediately broke down#I don’t know why I feel guilty over having inconsistent motivation for putting up shitty writing on a website for strangers to see#But I do and k think the only good way to get past that is this. Gotta stop acting Impulsively it’s ruining my fucking life man#There’s only one other thing that I’ll thank Eloise for#and it’s for getting me off of tumblr long enough to realize that I desperately need to get help#This is fucked I fucking hate it. I might be online if k can bare the possibility that people can see this#Namely people I’ve grown attached to in concept#Idfc at this point. it doesn’t change much about how things have been going for the past year#Vent#S.K explains that things never really got better they would just suck less for short periods of time
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They're NEVER making another guy like me
#red rambles#trying to get my ducks all in a like today and lmao#like two days ago I bummed a hit off my sister's vape pen and straight up had like. a fucking asthma attack#(as far as i knew i didn't *have* asthma)#only remembered because my sister then was like 'oh yeah mom has asthma that makes sense' as though i should've known that#so today i waq trying to put together all the stuff i gotta put in my medical file (also arthritis!yay!)#that's not the part that matters#the important part is. after i was done feeling like my lungs had just been clenched in a giant fist#i did not go 'damn that sucked im not doing that again'#i went 'woah that felt really weird can i have another hit'#(my sister said no given i had just been sitting on the floor saying I couldn't breathe right and wheezing for three minutes or whatever)#(reasonable but now i want to get a dab pen ir something)#(<- also just straight up do not like nicotine(#actually the REALLY funny part of this is that the reason ive been an edibles only bitch for the last year is that through high school ever#time i smoked weed i got hives. like. physical visible obvious skin rash. I've never had an asthma attack before#finally... the scary high I've been craving....#im still gonna get myself salvia though
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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Imma be real, if normal was my son we wouldnt be hanging with them people no more cus you not gon treat my son like shit and expect him to get over it
#dndads spoilers#normal oak swallows garcia#they treat my baby like shit its crazy#dndads s2#linc literally kicked scary out his house for killing tony and now she aint gotta apologize?#the switch up is crazy ngl#literally no hate to matt or anything i love the direction the characters are going but im telling you rn#linc aint shit. we been knew scary wasnt shit. taylor dont even know normal exists#hermie be calling him a backup plan like dont nobody want my boy 😤 😒#and i know theyre teens and all that like i get why they fighting but at the same time#as someone who is on the otherside of one of those types of relationships rn... linc is not being a good friend to normal#and i do really wanna see where this goes cus this has been seeded for like 30 episodes now its crazy how good this show is#like they all acting they asses off so that's never the issue#i just dont think linc has a concept of what being a good friends actually entails outside of taylor and scary#also the parents are super to blame as well cus they should have been stepped in#i know its because anthony literally forgot they were there but...#someone needs to go up for normal and its gon be me i guess
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god goromi really fucked my gender didn't she
#anyway i painted the world's shittiest stubble on myself today and wore the fanciest most hostess-esque dresses i have and GRGXZGRGRHZZGZXX#if i wasnt living in one of the US' finest transphobic hell states i would go out and i would get so many bitches like that i look SO GOOD#and it's so gender. god. t4t relationship WHEN!!!!! SOON I HOPE#someone come dote on this gnc emo boy please she's withering away without his proper care like a sickly tomodachi gf#when i get to college i could do little dorm dates n shit. maybe host drag practice nights or smth <33#that's the dream baby#god. goromi wasnt my genderfluid awakening character but she came right after i figured it out and i latched on SO HARD#shes literally THE pillar of my gender representation. load bearing one-off gag 80% of the fandom KNOWS is More Than A Gag (me included)#god she's so genderrrrr. i need to be her STAT#when i say thats the dream the dream is actually getting to present like that openly and unafraid regularly but uh (: not. not now#but someday. and i am confident in that#if not me then someone like me#but i still hope i can wrangle up some college queers to be funny and gay with yknow. tis only a few months away!!#i gotta take it off before i go downstairs again bc frankly im not ready for my family to realize Oh It's For Real. Like You'll Act On It#she's a fragile baby bird atm and frankly i dont want them to know yet#(they know im gfluid just. i dont talk about it with my mom and she still uses she/her only. i dont think ive had the pronoun talk with her#yet though so thats not even her fault really. but i didnt wanna come out to her when i did!!! so im taking my sweet time with this)#so im stalling a bit even though i REALLY need to do work and it's gotta be downstairs </3#anyway if people could just univerally decide to use he/she for majima interchangeably all the time so i could do that unchallenged thatd#be so cool thanks#like i know theres merit in other interpretations and i love them but what about ME#anyway. mwah i love gender sure hope nothing bad happens to it#i need to be someone's girlfriend boyfriend so badly you dont understand. ggrgrgrgrggrgrgrggrgrdbzvxzvzvzhsdhf#sorry for yearning. I'll hold it off as long as i can
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ok im actually feeling a bit crazy I need to interact with ppl beyond my immediate family and workplace
#i need to talk to with friends again#and actually go places#and be my authentic self like I feel I’ve been masking but then I’m scared I’ll come off as rude or self centered or strange#the anxiety!!!#click clack#really thought I grown out of it but nope#my 20’s are all about figuring out that I did not get over the ostracization I faced as an elementary schooler#snowballing into me learning how to be comfortable in solitude but oh no now I’m yearning#hahahaha :’) these feelings came out of nowhere but they’ve been building up slowly for the past year or so#or my whole life actually#im actually more upset that I’m not even doing much with my free time other than scrolling and reading. I wanna make things again!!!#which means if I’m not making things I would love to socialize but I feel so paralyzed#all my needs are met except my social interaction bar????#and if it were to happen more I can’t keep up a conversation or scared to start one and the pressure of replying#*screams internally*#ok I let that out I just gotta practice talking to people again that’s all…right?
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