#obviously ellie & joel have a much more personal relationship but in another world who knows

[icarusbetide]

my friend just said that the washingdad & alexander dynamic in a non-military, met-when-alex-was-younger setting would be joel and ellie from the last of us.

snarky protege & grumpy old man hitching their wagons together? protege showing some ride or die tendencies both out of self preservation and begrudging loyalty?

protege going off the rails at the death of the grumpy old man?

full disclosure i haven't played these games myself and all this is based off of her word and the knowledge i've absorbed via contamination but hmmmmm.

would gilbert be the dead biological daughter in this scenario or

[naughtyneganjdm]

Mine - Chapter 1

Story Summary: Joel Miller finds a woman in Jackson that is head over heels for him, but the trauma from his loss and past puts him in jeopardy of losing the one person he’s close to when he’s unable to show her the kind of love and affection she craves. Will he be able to change his ways or will he lose out to the charming newbie Negan in town? 

Characters: Joel Miller (The Last of Us), Negan (The Walking Dead), the reader (OC, third person), etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45115177/chapters/113491984

Warnings: Swearing, smut, angst, etc.

Notes: I decided to do another cross over story with The Last of Us and The Walking Dead. This is based off The Last of Us universe and I’m starting this story before we actually get to see Jackson, so some of this is going based off the game a bit as well. I know this is different for me, but for some reason my brain was eager to write it. Y/N means your name or whatever name you want to use. This first chapter heavily focuses on Joel and Y/N’s relationship. Gif Credits: @tomshiddles & @jdmorganz​

A cool gust of wind made Y/N pull her jacket in closer to her body while she sat on the steps of her porch in Jackson. There was a sense of nervousness and panic flooding her veins. She wondered if maybe she was too early for her planned date. She couldn’t believe she was actually worrying about a date. It had been so long since she had been on one. Who knew that living in a time like this would actually give time for people to have dates. That’s what was nice about Jackson. It brought back to life the way things used to be. At least somewhat.

When Y/N was brought to Jackson after her group was found, she didn’t believe it at first. A small little town that was closed off and protected that had electricity? It was an amazing thought. One that made her question if it was real to begin with. The only thing about Jackson was that to make everything work everyone had to work hard. It made you appreciate everything all the more.

It had been quite some time since she had arrived in Jackson and it had already been pretty eventful. She had come just before Tommy was reunited with his brother Joel who had become the talk of the town. When Joel had returned after leaving the first time, he became an important staple to the town. With his knowledge of construction along with his wits about the world in general, people often looked to him. Y/N was one of the fortunate people that got to work with him frequently. Well, to her she was lucky. Many people acknowledged that he was important to the community, but he could come off rather unfriendly and unwelcoming to others. He was working hard to break down that wall that he had obviously built up over the years, but it was taking a lot out of him. But Y/N saw beyond that tough exterior. He was a man with a good heart that was super charming when given the chance. All it took was Y/N getting to see him interact with Ellie for her to know how she felt about him.

A moment of bravery led to her asking Joel out on a date earlier today. At first when she asked him, it seemed like he didn’t know how to respond. It visibly caught him off guard and it almost immediately made her regret asking him because she assumed he didn’t feel the same way about her which led to her apologizing profusely. The long pause from Joel when she asked just made her assume that Joel didn’t feel the same way, but he did his best to get her to calm down and agreed to going out with her for a drink at the local bar they had in Jackson.

It had Y/N excited, probably too excited. She tried on multiple outfits before finally deciding on something to wear. It wasn’t like she had a wide array of clothing since it was the apocalypse after all and there was only so much she could choose from. It was a colder night for them in Jackson so she had to end up wearing a coat anyways.

With the sun going down, she wondered if Joel was going to show up at this point and it made her worry. Maybe he didn’t want to go on this date and he didn’t want to make her feel bad at work earlier. Right when she was about to give up, she heard footsteps approaching and lifted her head to see Joel standing before her. He seemed nervous when he swallowed down loudly and tossed his hands up in the air.

“Sorry, I was uh…getting a peptalk,” Joel explained with an uneven breath pointing back toward the house that he lived in. His graying hair seemed more properly groomed than it usually was and he sighed loudly. “Ellie told me I should shower and put on something nice.”

“I’ll have to thank her,” Y/N winked making a flush of color flood into Joel’s cheeks when she carefully stood from the steps that she was sitting on to move across the yard to him. “You look good.”

“Oh, thanks,” Joel quickly looked down at what he was wearing and cleared his throat uneasily. It took a minute before he gazed over her and nodded. “So do you.”

“We both look like we’re ready for the cold,” she teased him reaching out to playfully touch his shoulder seeing the way he shifted on his feet. It was a bit of an awkward moment, but she just pointed in the direction they were supposed to go. “You ready?”

“Sure,” Joel waited for her to go first and then he stepped in beside her to follow her toward town. There was a long silence between the two of them and he licked his lips in a nervous sweep. “I won’t lie to you Y/N, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been on a date of some kind. I’m not very good at this. I’m not very outgoing.”

“That’s okay,” she assured him with a shrug of her shoulders. “I know you’re a man of a few words, but I find the mystery about you all the more appealing. It makes me look forward to the future when I get to pull information out of you.”

The way his chocolate brown eyes gazed over at her made her smile because it seemed to interest him with what she said, “I know I’m probably a mess and I will say stupid things tonight so I immediately apologize ahead of time.”

“No, you’re good,” Joel shook his head and gave a small smirk. It wasn’t often that Joel smiled or even smirked so it made her heart flutter inside of her chest seeing it. Under the faint glowing lights of the town, Y/N couldn’t helped but be charmed with the fact that Joel appeared to try to groom his facial hair as well. The gray hair looked good with his tanned flesh and she knew that she was swooning too hard right now. She needed to dial it back a bit. When they got to the bar, Joel put on that southern gentleman charm and held the door open for her. “Ma’am.”

“Thank you,” she gave him a wink and headed inside feeling the warmth of the building surrounding them. It was loud and she noticed the way it made Joel uncomfortable. Noticing an empty table in the corner, Y/N motioned Joel to follow her and felt herself in awe with the way he helped her into her seat before going to his. Joel pulled off his jacket to reveal his plaid button-down shirt that he had chosen to wear.

“I didn’t realize it was so loud here,” Joel spoke louder than normal, leaning forward toward the table to get her attention. “Then again, I don’t really come here often. I like…sticking to myself.”

“Well I’m glad you decided to come here with me,” she extended her hand out across the table to place her hand in over his for a moment. Joel’s eyes shifted to look at the gesture and she unhurriedly pulled her hand away. She was way too eager to touch him and maybe it looked pathetic so early in the date. “Hopefully we can get to know one another more.”

“I think I know you pretty well,” Joel informed her, getting more comfortable in the seat before gazing around the busier bar that the people of Jackson had come to in order to relax after a long day of work.

“Oh yeah?” she found herself more so focused on Joel while he was taking in the area surrounding them. Joel was used to being on edge from the stories she heard from Tommy about his brother. So it made sense that he would be taking in everything all at once. “What do you know about me?”

“Well, I know you’re a good worker. Reliable. Trustworthy. Kind,” Joel listed off some things that made her smile when his brown eyes finally connected with hers. “You listen to folks. You’re easy to work with. You make working enjoyable.”

“I’m glad you think all of those things about me,” she admitted seeing him nod and she let out a long sigh. There was a boost of laughter that drew Joel’s attention away from her and she almost damned that they picked here for their ‘date’. Looking toward the corner where the pool tables were, she saw a group of people having fun together and Joel grunted. “What?”

“A lot of people in town seem to like that Negan guy,” Joel grumbled under his breath making her smirk when Joel shook his head and he seemed to roll his eyes.

“Not a fan, huh?” she teased him noticing the way that Joel seemed uncomfortable in the chair before her.

“He’s just…loud,” Joel explained stealing another look in the direction of everyone that was there. Negan’s eyes lifted from the pool table that he was at to see that both Y/N and Joel were staring out at him. A large smile pressed in over Negan’s chiseled features when he waved. It immediately made Joel freeze up because he didn’t know how to respond to it. It took him seeing Y/N wave back out of the corner of his eye to realize that it was Y/N Negan was waving to. “You two know one another?”

“Yeah, we work together a lot,” Y/N answered Joel about the newer member of Jackson. “He’s funny. Has the mouth of a sailor, but I like him. He makes work interesting most days when things get boring.”

“Oh,” Joel seemed tense after she admitted that she knew Negan. “So you’re like everyone else that is charmed by him, huh? You find him attractive?”

“Sure, he’s a good-looking guy,” she commented with a shake of her head noticing the way that Joel tensed up upon hearing her say that. Was it too soon for her to be excited at the idea that he might be jealous to hear that? Because it sure looked like he was jealous hearing that she thought Negan was a good-looking man. “Although, I think he’s already taken.”

“Is he?” Joel suddenly seemed interested further in Negan and it made her smile. That was something she would have never pinned Joel for. Being a gossip. But she found it cute. “With who?”

“I don’t know, he talks about a girl named Morgan all the time,” she thought back on previous conversations watching Joel’s face scrunch up like he was thinking about who she was talking about.

“I don’t know any girls named Morgan here,” Joel confessed, gazing over at Negan again wondering if it was one of the woman by the pool table. Each person that was there, Joel knew their names so he was rather flustered.

“Oh, so you know all the women in Jackson?” she replied in a teasing tone making Joel turn his head back toward her in a moment of surprise. “Should I be jealous?”

“I just make it my job to know the people I’m surrounded by,” Joel admitted with a simple shake of his head. “Being here I’ve yet to meet a Morgan so I’m just curious.”

“So I don’t have anything to be jealous about?” she pushed further making Joel’s face scrunch up in amusement before shaking his head. “Joel Miller doesn’t take out all the girls on dates then?”

“Come on,” Joel snorted with a roll of his eyes. “Should I be worried about Negan? You’re telling me that if he wasn’t taken, you would be here with him right now, aren’t you?”

“Did I say that? I think I said he was an attractive man that was taken,” she pointed out with a wink making Joel tip his head to the side while he eyed her over. “He’s not really the guy I’ve had my eye on for a while. There is someone else I’m very interested in.”

With the way his eyebrow arched, it showed that Joel was interested, but he had still been so focused on the rest of the group that when Negan started to head in over toward them, it made him groan out in frustration.

“Oh shit, now that he’s spotted you…he’s comin’ over,” Joel tried to hide his face to a degree and it amused Y/N to see that Joel was so antisocial in that moment.

Letting out a rumble of annoyance, Joel shifted again and sat forward in his seat when Negan headed over toward the table looking down at the two of them, “Hey you two! You care to join us for a game? Everyone’s surprised to see you here big guy.”

“Didn’t realize I made such an impact,” Joel scoffed making both Negan and Y/N glance at him since Joel often drew the most attention of anyone in Jackson with the way people looked to him with his past along with his knowledge of everything. “I’m not all that interested.”

“Fair enough,” Negan chuckled looking down to Y/N with a big smile. “You finally got that date, huh?”

“Excuse me?” Joel’s southern drawl made Negan’s eyebrow arch up in amusement.

“I may have talked to Negan about…things,” she felt her cheeks flush over making a snort fall from Negan before it turned into an amused rumble of laughter. It made Joel want to ask questions, but she was clearly embarrassed. What kinds of things did she talk about Negan with when it came to Joel? “A lot.”

“This one doesn’t hide shit from you, I fucking promise you that,” Negan reached out to place his hand in over Y/N’s shoulder to give it a firm squeeze. “I hope the two of you enjoy your night. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

There was an uncomfortable laugh that escaped Joel’s lips and he brushed his fingers through his hair when Negan backstepped away from the table, “Hey Negan. Where’s Morgan?”

“Fuck, you know about Morgan? You really do know everything, don’t you?” Negan seemed amazed that Joel seemed to know about the woman that Y/N had mentioned. “Wow…she’s with her friend’s family right now.”

“You didn’t want to bring her here?” Joel threw his hand about making Negan’s nose wrinkle and his thick eyebrows furrowed. “I just thought you would want to bring your girl with you on a night like this.”

“Do you bring Ellie to a place like this?” Negan stammered, his head bobbing about in almost a dramatic manner making a breath catch in Joel’s throat. What the hell kind of a question was that?

“Of course not,” Joel immediately shook his head making Negan’s dimples enhance as if he was entertained with what Joel was saying to him. “Ellie doesn’t belong in a place like this and she’s not…just no.”

“Then I think you would understand why I’m not bringing Morgan to a place like this,” Negan reasoned with Joel, shrugging his shoulders drastically before pointing back toward the pool table that was behind him. “But if you ever want man, you’re welcome to come over and meet Morgan. She’d probably be thrilled since there are so many fucking stories about you. You’re like a real-life comic book character to her.”

“What?” Joel seemed lost and they both went silent. There was awkward tension between all three of them before Joel cleared his throat. “No, yeah. I would like that. I’ll have to meet her at some point.”

“Well this isn’t fucking weird or anything, I’ll just…talk to you later Y/N,” Negan gave her a wink and headed back toward the pool table to the group that was waiting for him. Y/N seemed amused with the interaction, but it really just left Joel flustered.

“What were we talking about before he came over here?” Joel pulled himself from his thoughts finding Y/N’s eyes hooked on him and it made him let out a nervous laugh. “What?”

“I was telling you that I had my eye on someone else,” she recalled making Joel tap his hands against the table giving her a small nod.

“Oh yeah? Who?” Joel blurt out making her chuckle when she stared out across the table at him. Giving him a nod, Joel let out an embarrassed breath when he dropped his head down and grumbled something underneath his breath. “That was stupid.”

“I mean, I think it’s obvious who I like considering I asked you here tonight,” she reasoned with Joel seeing the embarrassed expression over his features when he slowly lowered his head to look up at her. “I did ask you out on this date.”

“I didn’t know if it was a date or just…a hang out thing with two friends,” Joel spoke up being honest with her about things. “Ellie insisted it was a date, but I didn’t want to assume things and make this whole thing uncomfortable.”

“Well then I will just put it all out on the table and make it known…” she began leaning across the table and he did the same so that he could hear her when she spoke up in a whisper. “I am extremely attracted to you Joel. I have been since the moment that you showed up in this town. I think you’re gorgeous. I like you very much, but most of all I love the way you interact with Ellie and take care of her. I feel like there is a lot to you that people don’t see and I want to get to know that man better. The one you hide from everyone.”

Joel was quiet, his dark eyes locked on hers with his eyebrows furrowed as she spoke, “Does that scare you away from the situation? Because if you aren’t interested, I’d really rather you tell me right now so I don’t get my hopes up.”

“No,” Joel shook his head, his lips parting while he tried to gather himself. “What I mean is, I find you very beautiful. I like you.”

“I like you too,” she felt her heart flutter hearing Joel call her beautiful. It made her happy to know that her feelings weren’t exactly one sided. Joel was quiet and unsure of himself, but it made him all the more appealing to her. “I tell you what? How about we get out of here and just take a walk. So the two of us could actually talk and get to know one another better.”

“Sure,” Joel stood up from the table without question and reached for his jacket. They were barely in that bar long enough to matter really. But when they were out Joel seemed relieved.

“So you’re not a fan of groups of people?” she confirmed with Joel who groaned out at the idea of it.

“I just have been kind of a loner most of my life. I’m not used to people putting their guards down so easily. After the things I’ve seen over the last twenty years of my life, I have to be on guard. It’s just hard not to be,” Joel confessed with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s hard for me to pretend that life is normal here. Like there isn’t a shitload of awful people out there or infected. So yeah, I’m not big on groups and being…loud.”

“Understandably so,” she muttered just enjoying that they were standing closer to one another with her shoulder rubbing up against his. “Ellie is a bit…loud.”

“She’s the exception,” Joel snorted with a shake of his head. “But she also took a while for me to get used to as well.”

“What happened there?” she whispered seeing Joel think about it for a minute before he bit down on his bottom lip. “Too much?”

“She just means a lot to me. We took a journey together and…I just want to keep her safe,” Joel admitted to her knowing that he wanted to leave out certain details considering how special Ellie actually was to him. “I would just do anything to keep her safe.”

“I love that,” she explained with a smirk knowing that it surprised Joel. “Seeing a good father, or father figure in this case is just incredibly sexy to me.”

“Ah, so you have daddy issues,” Joel was so blunt, but a smirk tugged at his features showing that it was his attempt at joking with her and giving her a hard time. “I just, you have to have realized there is obviously an age gap between us.”

“I’m not that young,” she replied back in a rebuttal and it made Joel snort.

“And you’re not that old either. Once you get to my age and everything aches, you’ll understand what I’m saying,” Joel teased her with a shake of his head and a long sigh. “Your body is still fresh.”

“Oh?” her eyebrows bounced up and she saw the color flood into his cheeks again.

“You know what I mean,” Joel grumbled making her laugh. It entertained her that she could get Joel to blush. She wondered how many people had been able to do that lately.

“I’m sure your body is still fresh too,” she bit down on her bottom lip knowing that it was her attempt at flirting with him. “From what I can tell at least. You’re strong. It’s very appealing. I’d love to get to know your body more.”

“Wow, you’re…forward,” Joel coughed making her roll her eyes before shrugging her shoulders. “It’s not a bad thing. Just wow.”

“Dial it back, I got it,” she frowned making Joel scoff before shaking his head. “I just find you very attractive and I think you need to know that.”

“Okay then,” Joel responded with a nod, his eyes narrowing out at her when he pushed his hands into his pockets. “So you are more so looking for a booty call with an older man that is strong because that is your type.”

“You’re my type,” she corrected him making Joel laugh for the first time tonight.

“You avoided the booty call part,” Joel pointed out making her heart skip a beat and she didn’t answer him. “So you just want to get laid?”

“You’re the one talking about getting laid,” she responded feigning a sense of innocence to her. “I just really like you Joel and while I’m not turned off by the idea of sleeping with you, I don’t really want it to be a one-time thing. I like you.”

“Why?” Joel stammered and it made her laugh. “Seriously. There is nothing about me that I could see being appealing to people.”

“Are you ignoring everything I’ve already said to you tonight?” she huffed, turning to Joel and she stopped walking. Joel did the same and turned to face her. “I really like you, Joel. If you like me too, I’d love to see this be something more than just a booty call.”

“I’m not very good with relationships,” Joel confessed to her with an exaggerated sigh. “I have a hard time expressing my feelings because of…things.”

“Okay?” her eyebrow arched while he bobbed his head from side to side trying to think of what to say.

“I’ve only been in two really big relationships in my life. One was my wife that I got divorced from before this whole world went to shit. The other…” Joel thought back on Tess and he felt his chest ache. Life never really gave him the time to mourn the person he had been with over sixteen years. And even when he was with Tess, he never was very capable of being affectionate and intimate with her. “Let’s just say things didn’t end well. I’m not the most affectionate person in the world. Because of the loss and the things I’ve been through in my life, it makes it hard for me to get close to people. I put up these barriers and they are hard to take down darlin’.”

“I feel like if you had the right person in your life, you could break down those walls a little bit and you wouldn’t have to be so guarded,” she suggested and it made Joel tense up. There was a hopefulness in her expression that showed she desperately wanted to be that person. He didn’t know exactly how to tell her that the last person he had been with was a woman he cared greatly for over sixteen years. A woman who died believing that Joel never truly loved her. “We all have sad stories to go with our pasts Joel and I’m willing to work through things with you if we get to that point.”

“The thing is Y/N, I’m hard…” Joel was trying to think of a way to explain himself that wouldn’t let her down too hard and he saw her face scrunch up. Her eyes lowered and he let out a frustrated sound seeing that she was fucking with him again in the way that she took what he said. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“I’m sorry, it was the way you said it,” she giggled reaching out to poke at the center of his chest making Joel step back. “I get your warnings and I hear you, but I would still like to try to get to know you better and see where things go if you give me a chance.”

“Well at least you’re persistent,” Joel commented making her snicker before nodding. This was the first interest she had in someone in a very long time. Of course she wasn’t going to give up hope on this one. “I give you that.”

“Thank you,” she bit at her bottom lip and took in a long shallow breath. “I’m sure within time I could make you love me. I’m a very lovable person.”

“Uh…” Joel swallowed down the lump that was in his throat hearing that word. It was a word he had never even used during his time with Tess, but he wasn’t certain that he wanted to tell Y/N that. This was the first woman that had showed an interest in a long time toward him and he didn’t want to scare her off. “I don’t doubt that.”

Clearing his throat, he noticed that it was getting cold and it was pretty dark out, “While I enjoy walking, how about the two of us go back to my place for some coffee or something?”

“Coffee?” she repeated what he offered. “At night? You looking to stay up all night?”

“Well I don’t sleep much to begin with,” Joel informed her with a simple shrug of his shoulders. “Tea? A beer? I don’t care. Something.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” she agreed to head back over to his house with him finding herself excited at the idea of getting to be at his house with him. While they headed back toward his place, she found herself wondering something in that moment. “What about Ellie?”

“What about Ellie?” Joel repeated her words and shrugged. “Ellie has her own place in the garage in my backyard. I set up something nice for her there so she feels like she has her own space. Her own independence, but I still get to watch her.”

“Oh yeah?” Y/N noticed that the lights were on outside in the garage area as they passed down the street when she got a glimpse of his backyard. They walked up the steps to his home and up the stone walkway. “Do many people get to be in Joel Miller’s home?”

“Ellie, Tommy and Maria pretty much,” Joel answered her when he got the door open, holding his hand up for her to enter. “Now you.”

Entering his home, she took a look around as he closed up the door behind her after following her in. It smelled like him. And if you knew what Joel smelled like it was often a woody scent likely from all the woodwork that he did even in his spare time. People knew that he liked to carve things and also made guitars. Joel was starting to open up to people and was even trying to give people guitar lessons, but it was pretty rare. It was more so for the kids in the town.

His home was pretty bare, but she knew that Joel was a simple man. Joel took his jacket off and put it on the coat hanger before reaching for her coat to help her take it off. It still charmed her that he had that southern chivalry and kept it alive this long into the future. Many people lost that a long time ago and she found it charming.

“I’m going to make myself some coffee,” Joel announced nodding toward the kitchen area of his home. “You’re welcome to join me or I could make you some tea.”

“I can drink coffee,” she smirked following him over toward the kitchen noticing the way that he limped as he made his way to that part of his house. “I like your place, Joel.”

“You’ve barely seen it,” Joel muttered making her chuckle. “But thank you.”

Heading toward the corner of the kitchen where the cabinets met, she leaned back and braced herself while she watched Joel gather what he needed to make his coffee, “So since I was honest about my relationships, what about you?”

“You can ask me anything Joel and I’ll be completely honest with you. There isn’t much to say in terms of important relationships in my life. Nothing too serious,” Y/N answered Joel after he asked her about her personal life. “Like you pointed out, I was a bit younger than you when this world fell to shit so it didn’t leave a whole lot of time for relationships and getting close to someone. Being here in Jackson is the first time I’ve had any kind of sturdy moment in my life.”

“Touché,” Joel grumbled under his breath, turning to face her and he rest his back up against the island in the middle of his kitchen. There was a silence while he gazed over the lengths of her body. Everything she had said to him tonight replayed in his mind and he was trying to think of what he wanted to say to her. “So you want to date me?”

“Do you want to date me?” she tipped her head to the side watching Joel’s eyebrows tense and his jaw flexed while he looked her over. Having him ask her that was almost cruel. He knew how she felt about him. She made it very clear throughout their time together. So she wasn’t going to answer that until he gave her an answer himself.

“I’m still thinking about it,” he slurred making her eyes get big and she nodded. “What would make me want to date you?”

“Other than the glowing recommendation you gave me earlier?” she replied with a bit of an offended tone. “What’s not to like?”

“You’re arrogant,” Joel seemed to be finding fun in making her tense. “I don’t even know if you’re a good kisser at this point. How can I date someone if I don’t even know what they kiss like?”

“You’re questioning if I’m a good kisser or not?” she placed her hand over the center of her chest watching Joel shrug and seem so nonchalant about things. “What if you’re not a good kisser?”

“Oh, I’m a good kisser,” Joel responded with a grumble, curling his fingers around the edge of the countertop. “So if there is a problem with us kissing, I know it has to be you because I can kiss.”

“Now who is the arrogant one?” she stammered, boldly stepping forward making Joel’s dark eyes follow her movements. Stepping before Joel, she reached up to curl her fingers around the side of his neck to bring him down. Tipping up on her toes just enough, she pulled him forward to bring their lips together. With a hum, Joel kissed her back making it vibrate against her lips. The kiss lingered before she pulled back with a shuddering breath. The warmth of his breath over hers was drawing chills down her spine and Joel tipped his head back slightly. “Was that a bad kiss?”

“Too short to tell,” he growled, palming in over the side of her face with his thumb stroking over her cheekbone. Lowering in again, he watched her eyes flutter to a close before he captured her lips in another kiss. This one was stronger, the warmth of Joel’s lips caressing hers into a desperate surrender. When he pulled away, he sucked faintly at her bottom lip and hissed. “Well, we know that you like my kissing. I told you.”

With her lips glistening from the kiss, Joel found himself in awe with the way that Y/N was looking at him. He wasn’t sure if anyone ever looked at him like that. Not even Tess saw him in the way that Y/N did right now and he knew that. He wasn’t used to so much longing and hopefulness from someone. Especially when it came to him. It had been so long since he had felt the warmth of another person pressed against him. Being able to kiss someone again awoke something inside of him and he liked it, “but you don’t kiss too bad yourself. I’ll take it into consideration when thinking about whether or not I may want to date you.”

“You’re a cruel man, aren’t you Joel Miller?” she licked her lips making his face scrunch up while her hands settled in over the center of his chest. It kept her braced against him while it felt like the world was spinning around her.

“Very, haven’t you heard from the people in town?” Joel whispered against her lips, pressing faint kisses over her bottom lip. At this point there was no doubt in his mind that he had her eating out of the palm of his hand. Just the small amount of attention that he had given her had her breathing unevenly. Her pupils were dilated with lust and want for him. “I’m very harsh and hard to please.”

“I guess I will just have to work harder,” she bit at her bottom lip, her hands dragging down over the planes of his abdomen. When her fingers got to the button in his jeans, she plucked it open making Joel swallow down loudly. “As I aim to please.”

“Y/N,” Joel grumbled when she managed to get the zipper down in his jeans. Maybe this is where he should have stopped her. This was someone who really liked him. Yeah, he was hoping it would lead to something like this. It had been so long since he got to fool around with someone, so he kept his mouth shut when she looked to him with such desire.

Biting down onto his bottom lip, he closed his eyes when he felt her hand dipping beneath the material swiftly to palm in over his body. It made his eyelids get heavy and he tipped his head back to stare out at her while she caressed over him through the material of his boxers. With an arch of his eyebrow he watched her lower down to her knees before him. All it took was a tug to get his jeans to his ankles before she reached for the waistband of his boxers and took no time in getting those down his body as well. Looking up at Joel, she kept her eyes hooked on his when her fingers curled around his hardening cock. Soft strokes of her fingers over his body made him grasp tightly to the edge of the counter. When he was solid in her grasp, she straightened up on her knees before him and dragged her tongue out over the tip of his manhood making his knees buckle somewhat until he managed to gather himself. His eyes rolled back to a close when her lips surrounded his girth sucking faintly at his sensitive flesh. With her tongue lapping at his skin, Joel knew that it had been so long since someone actually took their time to pleasure him. It wasn’t something that he knew he needed, but now that he was actually having it, he knew that it had been too long.

With his eyes closed, everything felt so much more enhanced when Y/N took him further into the warmth of her mouth. Arching his hips forward, Joel growled and lowered his left hand to sink his fingers into her hair. Fluttering his eyes to an open, he watched her while she took her time to bob her head over the length of his erection and it made his heart hammer inside of his chest. Each pull back of her head had her tongue dragging along the underside of his shaft making his whole-body tense up. Curling his fingers tighter into her hair, Joel urged her further down his length making her eyes come to a tight close.

Thrusting his hips forward made a wet noise fall from her throat before he started to pull his hips backward before thrusting forward. They were uneven thrusts, but it felt so good having the warmth of her mouth surrounding him. Licking his lips, he found himself completely charmed with the way she was attempting to give him what he wanted. Tugging back on her hair, he heard the wet sound that filled the air when her lips pulled from his solid length and he used his other hand to drag his thumb out over her bottom lip. A muted groan fell from his throat with her kissing at the pad of his thumb.

“Get up,” Joel demanded of her, reaching out to pull her up toward him and it made her fall in against his chest. Reaching out to unplug the coffee machine, Joel could feel Y/N’s lips at the side of his neck while she worked open the buttons of his plaid shirt. Fumbling through his motions, Joel did his best to work her pants down her body hearing her whimpering against his kisses.

As soon as they managed to get the material from one of her legs, he was quick to curl his arms around her thighs to pick her up and press her back against the counter. Bracing her, Joel used his strength to keep her up when he reached between them to push her panties aside. Grabbing a hold of his straining cock, he teased the swollen tip through her sensitive folds before lining his body up with her entrance. With a roll of his hips, he heard her crying out and sinking her fingers into his thick, gray hair. Joel buried his nose against the side of her neck cherishing the warmth of her body enveloping his. Sinking further into her, Joel heard her purr out and he did his best to steady himself. The sensation of her surrounding him was something he didn’t know that he needed, but it was an addictive feeling and he wanted more of it.

When he felt like she was prepared enough, he started to buck his hips up toward her again and again. With him filling her, she was crying out and it fueled him to know that she appeared to like what they were doing. Doing his best to keep a hold of her, Joel took his time leaving kisses over her jawline and neck knowing that she was a shuddering mess before him.  

“Joel,” she cried out his name and it made Joel’s eyes close tightly, his lips parting with their uneven movements together. His hips smacked up against hers while he thrust into her time and time again. Her fingers tugged at his graying hair while her other hand clawed at his shoulder making Joel hiss out against her lips. “Please…”

Joel wasn’t exactly the most verbal lover, but the occasional moan that he released drew chills up and down her spine. This wasn’t exactly where she thought their first date would go, but she wasn’t complaining. In fact, this was the ultimate dream come true for her. The strength of Joel’s thrusts led her to cling to him tightly and a few of the items on top of his counter fell over making Joel huff. Lowering her down, Joel felt her fingers pushing up underneath the material of his unbuttoned shirt to let it drop down his arms while she caressed over the strength of his bicep. Joel’s lips hovered over hers. Their breath was warm against each other’s and he could feel her hips still rocking toward him wanting that friction that he had put a halt too.

Dropping the material of his shirt on the ground, Joel wasn’t gentle or slow about the way he got the rest of her clothes off before forcing her to face the island. With a gasp, her hands grasped the edges of the counter while she tried to steady herself with Joel moving her where he needed her. His right hand urged her hips where he needed them while his left curled around her body to palm up the lengths of her abdomen before squeezing at her full breast.

Wrapping his fingers around his throbbing length, he led the tip to her ready entrance and pushed forward sinking into her almost completely before pulling out. It made her whine before he repeated the motion several times. Having her shaking before him while laid out across the counter made him chuckle.

“You’d never make it out there with how loud you are,” Joel informed her, lowering down enough to place a wet kiss between her shoulder blades. Following the movement of her spine, he kissed down her back before snapping his hips forward once more to bring them together again allowing all of him to sink into her. “We’d be dead with the way you’re reacting.”

“We’re not out there, we’re here,” she licked her lips, cooing out with the feeling of him inside of her. “You feel so big inside of me. Why don’t you lighten up and use that cock of yours to make me cry. I bet your proud of the sounds you’re making come out of me.”

“I’d almost be offended if you weren’t making them,” Joel quipped nipping at her shoulder. Squeezing his arm around her waist had his bicep flexing while he brought her back against him with every thrust forward he made inside of her.

With her warmth surrounding him and contracting around his thick length, he found himself getting lost in the moment. Each movement was fueled on what felt good in that moment and he was craving every second of it. His breathing got louder, but he wasn’t exactly giving in to being verbal with her. With a firm smack forward of his hips, he had her crawling forward, but his hips followed her movements. Hooking his fingers into her hair, he kept her where she was and gazed down at him inside of her. Her arousal was coating his body and it made him lick his lips. The fact he had held off this long on getting intimate with someone even surprised him. Another whine fell from her lips with him leaving himself stagnant inside of her.

Pressing his chest up against her back, he reached to hook his fingers with hers. Squeezing them firmly, he took his time rolling his hips behind her. With each soft smack of his skin against hers, his thrusts became somewhat quicker and just a bit harder. In no time, he had her crying out his name with her fingers hooking tighter to his while he pounded into her from behind. It was obvious that Joel was a very physical person. The way he had sex showed that.

“Almost there,” he coached her with his teeth nibbling at her earlobe with him making sure to be closer to her. The wet smacking sounds filled the kitchen and he hoped that he wasn’t being so loud with Y/N that it would draw Ellie’s attention from his backyard.

“Joel,” she whimpered, her eyes slamming shut when she pushed up on her toes but he didn’t allow her to pull away from him when she orgasmed. Joel longed to feel that sweet, intoxicating sensation of her body contracting around his while she shook. The noises she made had him smiling, but there was still that longing he had to come. It had been so long since he had a release and now that he was on the edge of building himself up to it, he was desperate to get it. “Please…please let me see you.”

“Uh…” Joel lifted his head to look around the kitchen before finally pulling back and away. When his solid length pulled from her warmth, he watched her shudder while taking a minute laid out across the counter to try to calm her breathing. Grabbing a chair, Joel pulled it out from the table and lowered down onto it. Stretching out his legs, he tapped his thigh and motioned her to come to him. “I’m all ready for you.”

Pushing herself up onto her feet, it felt like her legs were Jell-O with the high that Joel had given her body by absolutely having his way with her. Taking a moment to stare out at his body while he was stretched out in the wooden chair, she couldn’t help but have her throat go dry looking at him, “This is the moment where I wish I was an artist of some kind. You are perfection.”

“Stop,” Joel snorted, looking down at his body. The prominent thing that stood out to him was the scar that was left from his injury over his lower abdomen. Letting out a shuddering breath, Joel felt Y/N bracing herself over him while her hands grabbed at the back of the chair. Biting into his bottom lip, Joel tipped his head to the side and cleared his throat. “You’re the beautiful one.”

“I think everything about you is amazing,” she took her time, resting her weight against Joel’s thighs while she got comfortable over him and just started caressing over his body. It made a lump develop in his throat at how delicate she was and how attentive she was to every part of him. Sliding her hands down over his broad shoulders, she took her time to appreciate the flesh before palming down over his chest and toward his lower abdomen. When her fingertips touched at the puckered healing flesh over his body, it made him uncomfortable and she could see that he was uneasy about it. “It shows how strong you are. Don’t be ashamed of your scars. It shows the world how hard you fought to stay here. You’re the strongest man I know Joel.”

“Yeah?” Joel felt vulnerable in that moment. His Adam’s apple bounced in his throat and his chocolate brown eyes were hooked on hers. With a nod, she pressed in to hover her lips over his making Joel lick his lips. There was a want to be kissed. This whole time he had been arrogant. Wanting a certain thing from her and that was pleasure. Something he had been lacking for so very long, but with her touching him and saying the things that she was he found himself in awe of the woman over him. “I’m deeply flawed Y/N.”

“I can help fix you,” she hushed him, leaning forward to meet his lips in a longing kiss that took her breath away. For so long she had been swooning over Joel and the fact she was sharing such an intimate moment with him made her feel special.

“There is no fixing me, I was broken a very long time ago,” he grunted against her lips when he felt her reaching between them. Taking her time, she lowered and led him back toward her entrance and allowed herself to get used to him inside of her again with that beautiful stretching feeling. Wincing, Joel tipped his head back, his hands caressing all over her body. With a cry, she bit down at her bottom lip and tipped her head back. Her fingers braced over his abdomen while she was meticulous in the way she bounced her hips over his. Having her like this made things more intimate. It brought them closer together and maybe when he brought her back here, he did think that it would just be a booty call but having her in this way made his view change of her. It was clear she had a way bigger crush on him than he did her, but he had always found her beautiful. There was just that whole problem of getting intimate with others. After everything that he lost, Joel never wanted to get close to people and it took a lot. Even his relationship with Ellie was hard, but he was doing the best he could to open himself up. With a grunt, his fingers squeezed at her hip and he was sure it would have likely left a mark. “I am what I am.”

“You have to be willing to let others in,” she reached for Joel’s hands, lifting them up to press them back against the top of the chair. Tipping forward, her lips hovered over his and Joel’s chocolate-colored eyes were focused on hers. Her movements had become steady. When she found something that Joel visibly liked she kept at it. So desperately she wanted him to break down the walls that he was holding to enjoy himself, but he stayed quiet. An occasional faint moan fell from his lips which she considered a small victory for herself. What really was her reward in all of this was the way his eyes stayed locked with hers with the muscle in his jaw flexing. It was the most connected she had been with him all night. With a faint rumble, Joel’s eyes rolled back to a close with his head resting back against the chair. The way she was riding him was obviously something he was enjoying and she brought their lips together. “Let go Joel…”

A shuddering exhale escaped his lips, his brow line creasing when she felt him throbbing inside of her. His hips bucked up toward her to chase that release and she mewled out into his mouth feeling the warmth of his release inside of her. Their fingers were hooked together when she lowered them back down. Joel’s eyes lazily opened and he started kissing down over her jawline and toward her neck.

“Was that okay for you?” she searched for any kind of praise from Joel, wincing when he nipped at her flesh. It was almost like he was marking her as his own and she liked it. Joel’s rough palms were caressing up and over her back toward her shoulders and back down again where Joel grasped her ass firmly.

“More than,” Joel answered her, enjoying the way that she touched him and caressed over his scalp. “Thank you, I needed that. Very much.”

That night she didn’t leave his home. They spent the rest of it together just drinking coffee and talking. By morning when she had to go to work, she didn’t want to leave him. Joel wasn’t someone who talked much exactly and it took a lot to get it out of him, but she did her best. Thing was, she wanted to be with him all the time when they were free. And he didn’t exactly turn her down.

Not long after their first night together Joel realized that they were spending a lot of their free time together so he asked her to move in with him. It made more sense being together than having her house just sitting there. It freed it up for another family in the future to take and it was nice to have someone else to share his home with. Things weren’t as quiet anymore and that was a good thing. It was everything she could have wanted in getting closer to Joel.

A year had passed with them living together and while Y/N was happy, Joel had been very upfront and honest with her from the start. Since that day they got together, he never called her his girlfriend. He never told her that he loved her. There was a severe lack of affection, one that she thought she could fix, but she wasn’t sure that Joel was capable. After a year of trying she realized that it was likely never going to come.  

They shared a house together and bed, but even now as they were lying in bed together Joel was at the opposite end of the bed turned in the direction away from her. Gazing back over her shoulder, Y/N longed to have Joel hold her. There was a desperation to be cuddled. Joel’s arms and chest were so nice, but he was so cold to anything like that. So many times she had told him she loved him, but he would often blow it off with a grunt. He hated using those words and often told her that it was rushing things. At the beginning of this relationship, she was hopeful. It had been a year, why would she be rushing things with love? They were living together. They shared their life together. It felt real to her.  

At this point, it just felt like they were roommates. Two people that were together so they weren’t alone. They would just go about their day, come home and maybe talk about it before going to bed again. They were two people that occasionally had sex that honestly lacked intimacy in so many ways. Regardless of how many times Joel turned her down with affection, it didn’t stop her from trying. She was determined that one day she would be able to get Joel to change for her. She wanted to believe that. She had to believe that.

Looking over her shoulder again, she could see that Joel was shaking in his sleep. He was having a nightmare and she let out a long sigh. Turning over, she scoot toward his side of the bed and wrapped her arms around him. It calmed his body having her comfort him like that. Nuzzling her nose at the bottom of his neck, she felt him opening up to the idea of her holding onto him. Hooking her fingers with his, she stroked her thumb over the back of his hand feeling Joel squeezing her hand in his.

Joel’s breathing changed showing that he had waken up and she pressed a loving kiss against his cheek, “I love you, so much.”

Joel said nothing, just scoot back in closer to her to have her hold him tighter in her grasps. She assumed that he was trying to pretend that he was still sleeping, but she knew his breathing. After a year you got to learn the person you shared a home and a bed with. There was a longing in her heart that hurt. In her eyes, Joel was perfect. He was everything to her, but she wished that some nights he would do this with her. Hold her in his arms and whisper sweet nothings to her.

All of Jackson knew that they were living together. It wasn’t like there was a person that didn’t know they were with one another. But Joel still had a whole lot of issues showing that intimacy. Hand holding in public wasn’t for him. Kissing seemed to embarrass him around others. So everything was behind closed doors. Y/N was in love, Joel was comfortable. There was a huge difference in the way they acted toward one another. She thought they were in a relationship, but by the way Joel acted she wondered if he just thought they were really close friends with benefits.  

In time, Joel’s breathing went back to what it was when he was asleep and she felt her throat tightening. Just once she wanted to hear him say that he loved her. That he cared about her. That life wouldn’t be the same without her. Yet, she got none of those things. He told her that he liked her. That he enjoyed her company. That life was no longer boring or lonely because of her, but honestly? She was extremely lonely and it was the worst feeling in the world. To love someone so much and feel like they didn’t feel the same was soul crushing. But she forced her emotions down. She loved Joel so much that she couldn’t picture not having him in her life.  

She lived for moments like these. At least Joel let her comfort and console him. Getting to touch him was the greatest gift that she could have, but she didn’t know what to do anymore to try to get Joel to be affectionate with her. She was becoming touch starved. She wanted that emotional connection with Joel, but he wasn’t giving in. She was surprised that he okayed her moving in with him in the first place because he really liked having his own space. Sometimes she thought he did it just to appease her. To give her something since she so desperately wanted to feel anything more from him.

Joel had opened up to her about Sarah and vaguely talked about Tess. It was Tommy that had really kept her in the loop with things. And it was because of Tommy that she never gave up on Joel. Tommy promised her time and time again that Joel cared for her. That it would just take time. That Joel needed someone not to give up on him and damnit, she was trying. Harder than she had ever tried before in any relationship.

The best moments they shared together were those that were spent with Ellie. Ellie got Joel to relax, to the best of his ability really. It was amazing what that kid could do to change Joel around. When they were all together, it was the only time they really felt like a family. There were hopes that if Ellie found a way to love Y/N that Joel would soon too. It was just taking longer than expected. Y/N never wasted a minute with Joel in letting him know how she felt about him. And she hoped that in time, he would learn to feel the same way about her as she did him.

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[skoulsons]

Triage Analysis part 1

WARNING: heavy talk of suicide and attempts, so just a forewarning

I wrote the later paragraphs first and then went back to the beginning ones, so if I repeat something like seven times, please forgive me as I wrote this a bit out of order :)

SECOND PART IS HERE

“Second day.”

“I’ve gotta hand it to the Army people. They were way better at stitchin’ you up than I was.”

“It was me.”

He stood back as she continued on. He stood and waited to tell her about it. Even though he claims, “there’s no story,” he stops for that exact reason. He tells her a vulnerable and emotional part of his story. He could’ve continued walking and telling her about his attempt in a nonchalant way. But this is something he needs her to hear. Something he wants her to hear because he understands what she’s fighting right now, and he is willing to put such a heavy part of him out there in hopes that she will lean on him and his understanding of what she’s going through. He hangs back because this is something you sit down for. Even if you’re just sharing this part of your life with another person to let them know that part about you, it’s not something you just bring up in a passing conversation. It’s serious. It’s worth sitting down over. It should be heard in an intimate setting, and that’s exactly how they do it.

“I was the guy who shot and missed.”

There’s a hint of confusion when she first looks at him. She was told at the start of their journey together that it happened in a gunfight. That he and someone else had a back and forth of missed shots and he was grazed in the process. And she, until this point, has believed that as the truth. Joel has obviously come up with that as his cover story for where his scar comes from. It makes sense to be grazed like that, especially in the world they live in. More than this, Joel was always honest with her with everything he told her, and she knew that. Why doubt him? Furthermore, she didn’t know how broken he was at the episode 3 point of their relationship. Him contemplating and attempting suicide wasn’t on her list of things she expected him to have thought about or tried. Maybe once or twice, but not convincing enough for the thought to last.

And then it’s understanding. It’s this moment of, oh, you mean you missed in that way, but she doesn’t quite know why until he says. Now, we don’t know how vulnerable he’s been these last few months post-David. We see how he’s grown and how he smiles and continually tries his best to keep Ellie engaged and cheer her up. But I do wonder if he has opened much prior to this. They have obviously reached a point of her mental drowning and them getting closer to the hospital for him to bring this up and not earlier on in their journey on after David. Maybe he thinks it’s been long enough since David to comfortably talk about this and for her to not brush him off or refuse to talk about it. Maybe he recognizes some of her survivor’s guilt. Maybe he sees how traumatized she truly is becoming more and more clear to him the more days they’re out here. Maybe he’s thinking about the hospital and how it’ll all go and how she may say “yes” (assuming in his mind they’d both, you know, be told what’s going on and actually be talked through it and told the whole truth of everything) to something like this being done. How he may see she’s not in a good place mentally to make a choice like that on her own (that is if they never did bloodwork or anything else to actually be smart about the whole thing?? I’m not medically educated whatsoever. But if the fireflies actually did take their time and run tests and whatnot, the outcome would most likely be different and she’d be able to make an educated decision with Joel). It’s hard to tell. Maybe a mix, maybe none of those at all and I’m just lying to you all for the sake of overanalyzing.

“There’s no story,”

He’s downplaying it saying it’s not a big deal; there’s no story to it. That his attempt isn’t something “big” that happened to him. That it doesn’t…mean anything. That it didn’t change him as a person. I think, for those of us who are, or have been, in my case, suicidal, we tend to downplay it. We say it’s not a big deal; that it’s passed and we’re fine now (I hope you all are, i love you guys very much <3). It’s often done, as well, to not burden the other person with the information, so we try and say it’s not big deal so that they aren’t concerned for us, if you will. Or maybe that’s just been my case. Joel isn’t telling her this to burden her with the information, though she may still hold on to it, it’s because he wants to help her through the thoughts he knows so well, and this is how he needs to approach her.

This is also when he starts fidgeting because he’s talking about it now. He’s talking about Sarah by name (for probably the first time with Ellie). He’s opening up in a heavy way. He’s talking about his attempt. This old, hardened, survivor of a man is sitting here rubbing the sides of his boots, kicking up dust, and messing with the inside of his cheeks because he’s nervous. He’s reliving old feelings. He’s remembering how he was when he tried; tears streaming down his face hours after Sarah because he couldn’t take living without her. Reliving the mental exhaustion, the depression, anger, denial, and believing he’d failed her. That he’s convinced himself of allowing Sarah to die and he has ultimately failed as a parent. And that probably not being the only time he thought he failed her. He was a single father, he held himself to a high standard when it came to raising and treating her. Maybe he came home too late some nights and she was already asleep. Forgetting about the cake for his birthday that she wanted him to getso they could celebrate together. He probably dropped her off late to school sometimes. Maybe she had some of that teenage anger that they always have when they’re young and she yelled at him and he believed what she said. Maybe the lurking thought in the back of his head that questioned his role and skills as a father. “Am I doing enough? Am I raising her well? Am I good enough for her?”

“Sarah died…and I couldn't see the point anymore. Simple as that.”

First off, his voice cracks at Sarah, further confirming my thought of it being the first time he’s mentioned her by name to Ellie, or aloud at all since her death. My guess, at least. He never looks at her. He’s fidgeting with his feet the whole time while avoiding her gaze. Afraid of how she’ll look at him, maybe, even for a moment. But talking about something personal, especially this, can be uncomfortable. It’s a mix of anxiety and maybe a slight fear of judgment; like she’ll look at him differently after hearing this about him. He’s doing this to help, but it’s not like you’re full of confidence in doing so. Joel already deals with a ton of anxiety as is, so it makes sense.

“And I wasn’t scared, either. I was ready. I couldn’t have been more ready.”

Again, not meeting her gaze. Something that really strikes me in this scene is his, “I couldn’t have been more ready”. I was suicidal for a very, very long time. I’m no longer, praise God, but this is the real rock bottom of it. Knowing full well and clear that you are ready to die. You have truly reached your limit. A lot of the time, there is something that holds your thread. A person, a thing, a group, a motto, whatever it may be. But sometimes, you reach a point where…none of those can uphold you anymore. None of that is worth continuing on for. And for Joel, that was Sarah. The second he lost her, he was ready. “Second day,” as he said. This means hours after Sarah, as she died around 2am the second day the outbreak hit Austin (the guy at the bar that Tommy got arrested over was basically a runner, if I’m correct. That was at 11pm. So, second day to get all practical on you guys). He suffered such an incredible loss that he was ready, right then and there. He lost his breath. He lost his reason for living. That little girl that hugged him tight, cooked breakfast for them, snuggled with him, made sure he got vitamin c, asked him to carry her to bed, who probably kissed him on the cheek when she was little, rode on his shoulders around the county fair, and was emotionally comfortable with him to joke and tease at him without fear of a reaction was gone. And to add the apocalypse on all of it doesn’t make that decision any easier. Tommy could not bring him out. There was no hope for him whatsoever. The world was not going back to normal and Sarah was not coming back to him. He probably purposely got away from Tommy so that Tommy wouldn’t be around. Or, maybe Tommy walked away briefly for whatever reason and Joel had his revolver back, so he took the chance while Tommy’s back was turned to him. But then he fires and Tommy hears it and Tommy freaks out, helping him into that triage for medical help. Tommy probably knowing why and Joel breaking down because “why did I have to flinch?” How Tommy probably tried his best, at least for awhile, to help Joel through it. To keep him out of more attempts. And then they join a group together and Joel directs his anger in that. In torture and murder, even innocent people. His grief and anger fuels how he lives, eventually terrifying Tommy enough with his violence for Tommy to leave him. And then he meets Tess and things are sort of okay for a while. He finds things that keep him barely treading water, no matter what or who they were. Her, pills, alcohol, violence, whatever he can can get his hands on.

“When I- when I- went to pull the trigger…”

Again, continued avoiding her gaze. Now, a anon in my inbox mentioned how Joel’s attempt is why his hearing is also bad, which is a very realistic and most likely correct guess. Maybe firing so many guns could add to that, but it is never mentioned nor insinuated for any other character, even characters it would be more likely for. Tommy, Tess, even Kathleen or Perry or anyone else. So, anon, a fair and probably correct assumption and something that Joel has also created a cover story for, if it is because of his attempt.

He hesitates a bit here saying it because this is the action of doing it. That he did it; it happened. He didn’t just contemplate or idealize or just plan it out and think about it. He acted and pulled that trigger.

“...I-I-I- I flinched.”

He chuckles when he says this. A mix of a coping mechanism, considering he’s probably never told anyone about it, so he fidgets with his feet and bites his cheeks and chuckles. A bit of almost disbelief that he did flinch. How flinching put him exactly where he is now. Thinking that, if he didnt, he'd be with Sarah right now. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be sitting here right now with this little girl who he is in love with (platonically!!!!!) and cares for just as much as he did for Sarah.

It’s interesting and also incredibly heartbreaking just how close the shot was to him, considering he has a physical scar from making contact with a little bit of skin.. Assuming he used his revolver and not Tommy’s rifle, he would’ve held the barrel against his temple, shaking. Either he flinched his head or his hand away, his head tuning to the left and the barrel of the gun being a bit askew now, grazing his temple, or his hand flinches toward his face and he fires as he does, the bullet grazing him. In both cases, firing not even an inch from his ear and the bullet whizzing right past his eyes, causing permanent hearing damage.

“Still don’t know why.”

This isn’t so much a fidget on her end but almost a reaction to him chuckling at himself. It’s not funny, of course it’s not, and she shuts it down fast, but for a moment I think she’s thinking what he is. Disbelief, that he wouldn't be here if he hadn't. That they would've never met. That the man she has grown to care for, love, protect, and follow anywhere would not be here.

She has never had a father; doesn’t really know the standard to hold them to. Joel is her and only example of one, and he couldn’t have been a better one. She’s never loved a man like a father and she doesn’t know the relationship fathers and daughters typically have and how special they can be. She learns to love him the way she knows how. The way she can considering her personality, their circumstances, and the world they live and what they’re subjected to. But she feels a connection with him early, considering her willingness and to ask him questions, trust him, believe what he tells her, and putting her life in his reluctant hands. He does not feel that same outward connection to her as early as she does (he may show some, but I think feeling the genuineness of it all and it not all just being the buried and instinctive fatherhood side of him coming out later are a bit different), considering he still tries to push her away and keep her at a distance. But when all he does is reassure her, make sure she’s safe, tries to preserve her young innocence from the atrocities of the world, ask her about Linda Ronstadt, watches over her as she sleeps, shows her what a seatbelt is, asks her if she’s okay and nearly falls to his knees to embrace her on the ground after Sam, she starts to view him more than a smuggler. More than just a protector. She genuinely cares about him now. She views him, to her best judgment, as a father. And for her to now see this man be so vulnerable and talk about his attempt and for her to look at him and think, “I would've never known and loved you,” is cause for her disbelief and gratefulness that he didn’t flinch.

“Anyway, the reason I’m telling you all this is b-”

“I know why you’re telling me all this.”

(credits to Meg she helped me and my 1am brain with this. I love you brother) He loves her, plain and simple. This whole conversation, not just his whole “it wasn’t time” thing (as profound and emotional that sentence is alone), is him telling her he loves her. She is struggling, he sees it clear as day. Spacing out, dissociating, being extra quiet, the whole thing. He knows what that’s like because he’s been in that exact situation. She’s fighting so many demons every minute and he is seeing it. He understands how the trauma from Winter is affecting her. He understands what she’s going through. Maybe not completely as the situations are different, but the reactions are similar. The thoughts, the temptations, the ideation, the guilt. It’s the same reaction to both of their debilitating traumas. And Joel recognizes the weight of how it is affecting her. Riley nor Sam nor anything else she’s been through has made her react in this way, so he knows it’s bad. That it’s getting close to his “second day”. He is going to try and do whatever he can to keep his little girl as far away from that if he can help it.

So, how does he go about it? He puts himself out there. He makes himself vulnerable. He gives himself to her. He opens up and he tells her about such a deep and emotional part of his past. He opens up to try and get her to open up. He tries to sympathize with her. He wants to take what she’s struggling with on him. He wants her to tell him everything so he can hold all of it. So Ellie can get it out and shout it and cry and how he wants take every ounce of it on himself. His own trauma and the weight that threatens to drown him is not important; she is. But she doesn’t tell him what happened during Winter. She doesn’t want to rehash it; it’s terrifying and painful and traumatizing. He doesn’t know the thoughts she’s having and how exactly he can help her, and that’s frustrating. To not be able to help her the amount his heart so desperately wants to. To let what she’s gone through crush him as long as it means she can breathe. But she also doesn’t want to tell him because she wants to spare him the weight and pain. She doesn’t want to burden him and upset him with all of it, so she keeps it quiet. He wants to carry it to relieve her, but she wants to carry it to relieve him.

He’s telling her he loves her. That he cherishes her. That she is his daughter and he wants to help her with this. He wants to help her through this. That he is willing, he WANTS to take all of it. She is not a stranger to him anymore. She is not some random kid he’s trauma dumping on. She’s his child, his daughter. He’s telling her this hoping that she will open up and lean on him. Because, as a loving father, that’s all he wants. He wants to take those burdens and pains and pile them on his shoulders as he supports her up in their walk together.

(I feel as though I have put this thought in here already but I don’t know and I would like to include it and I can’t find any of my 60 paragraphs if I already have, so forgive me). He is glad he missed. He is happy he missed. He knows what that feels like, and the fact that he found something to fight for, he wants Ellie to experience that same thing. Whether that be Joel or something/someone else, he knows, now, that there is a thing out there to keep going for. And he wants her to find that. This is an even stronger argument for his end choice, as well. As a lot of this fandom has already discussed, she probably would choose to die for it. Her being 14 years old with such tremendous survivor’s guilt and feeling helpless to save Riley, Tess, and Sam, she’d probably make it. This thought wouldn’t have been at the front of his brain while saving her, but it reinforces the idea of him wanting her to find something to fight for. If she gave herself up to the Fireflies, she would never find that thing or that person that Joel knows is out there for her, and he wants her to find it. He wants het to know that she’ll get through this and things will get better in time. He knows firsthand this, and that’s what he wants for her. To continue, for her to see and experience that Better.

Also, can we take a moment to how unbelievably gentle and good he is when she has these moments? And how he’s tried to keep her engaged. He doesn’t raise his voice once at her. He shouts her name when she’s sitting in the bed of the truck, but it was just to get her attention, not in a way that indicated him upset or frustrated with her. He hands her the rifle to hold while he puts his back on, keeping her with him and engaged. He talks to her constantly, even about the small things. Telling her about finding Beefaroni after she mentioned how, “that guy (Chef Boyardee) was good.” Actually showing her Boggle and telling her she’d beat him at it. And, of course, the guitar, which is a whole thing. Guitar and music being a hobby and something he loves so dearly in life that he wants to teach her all about it, even after not having played or read any music in twenty years. He wants to pass an important part of him and something he loves so much down to her. Once they’re in the building as well and he’s about to boost her up and she spaces out more. The first thing out of his mouth is, “you okay?” He keeps his distance a bit from her as he asks which makes me thinks that, in the past few months, he’s been close and she’s gotten claustrophobic, so he’s made a note to give her some space unless she initiates any proximity. And he mentions her being extra quiet and she apologizes to him, feeling bad. He is not putting an ounce of blame or trying to make her feel bad, instead he’s making an observation and it shows he cares that he is seeing a clear difference in this day compared to others. But she apologizes anyway because she probably thinks she’s hurt his feelings or is ignoring him or something of the sort. And he immediately shakes his head side to side as his face softens and he says, “no, it’s fine.” He is so careful and gentle with her while she’s struggling. He is nothing but gentle and loving the whole episode. Part 2 will start from here :)

[retroellie]

Joel Miller as a dad

Summary: Having Joel Miller as a dad 

A/N: i got sad there towards the end so sorry about that. I also wrote in that you were dating ellie so enjoy<3 

Warnings: TLOU2 spoilers, talk about death other than that its cute 

Word count: 1.3K

-He tries really hard to be a good dad

-He’s been different ever since Sarah, it’s been hard but you try to be patient with him

-When Joel found out that he was gonna be having another kid he flipped out

-He couldn’t stop thinking you were gonna end up like Sarah and he couldn’t go through that again

-but when  he saw you for the first time he knew  would do anything just to keep you safe

-In Boston he’s not the most loving dad, he’s not mean he just doesn’t show you how much he loves you

-It’s tough love I guess

-He always tells you that you can do better and that your being too careless

-you don’t take it personally though, you don’t know much about Sarah but you know when she died it broke Joel

-Speaking of Sarah, it’s forbidden to talk about her. The only reason you know about her is from tommy

-When you guys settled in Jackson he became more loving in a way

-He would always come up and tell you goodnight, when you were asleep he would kiss your forehead and whisper “goodnight baby girl”

-He calls you baby girl

-Jackson is when he opened up about Sarah a little more, telling you that you are very much like her or she would like you

-“You know Sarah always wanted a little sister. I reckon you two would’ve done just fine together”

-You had bad nightmares sometimes so if you woke up screaming out for Joel or you decided to walk into his room to wake him up, he would always let you cuddle up next to him

-You guys would always poke fun at each other, it was just father/daughter fun

-“Dad, I can't jump up that high”

-“well stop being so short, shorty”

-“Well stop being so old and maybe you could pull me up.”

-Joel was a pro when it came to periods, he knows it’s natural and he’s been around a few women in his life so he knows about it

-when you come crying to him about it he knows exactly what to do

-You are always trying to set him up with women, you even tried to get him to go on a date with the daycare teacher

-“Come on dad. Why not?? She’s so sweet, I wouldn’t mind her as a step mom.”

-“Because a hormonal teenager with a bad sense of humor is enough, I don’t think I can handle another woman right now.”

-You obviously know how to play guitar, I mean your Joel miller’s kid

-you guys always play together on the front porch, sipping on coffee as you watch the sunset

-you guys had movies nights, father/daughter dinners, he would even take you places outside of Jackson sometimes

-He just likes spending time with you, mostly because he feels bad that he wasn’t such a great dad in Boston. He regrets Boston in many aspects but that one he regrets the most

-also he fears something bad will happen to either you or him so he wants to get in as much time as he possibly can with you

-Okay but like having tommy as an uncle would be so fun

-And since Joel looks at Ellie as a daughter, you’re best friends with her, maybe eventually even dating her??

(this is kinda a whole other headcanon lol)

-Joel is super supportive of you and Ellie’s relationship, he trusts ellie a lot and he trusts that you know what’s good for you 

-When you came out to him it was tough for you and even tougher for him to understand it 

-”Dad.... I’m Gay/bi(or whatever your preference is<3)” 

-It took him a bit to take in what you just said 

-He didn’t really understand it, it was different back in his time 

-But he knew he loved you and wanted you to be happy 

-”I kinda had a feeling.. but it’s okay. You’ll always be my baby girl.” 

-You just bawled your eyes, it was honestly the first time you came to terms with yourself 

-He knew how much of a relief this was for you, he knows how much it hurts to hide yourself for so long 

-He just pulled you into a hug, rubbing circles on your back while you bawled your eyes out 

-”At least i know you won’t be getting pregnant any time soon.” 

-You couldn’t help but laugh at his stupid jokes 

-If anyone dared to say some shit about it, he would be ready to beat the fuck out of someone 

-You, ellie and him would have dinners together, you and ellie would hold hands and share small glances at each other 

-He would see that and he would try to hide his huge grin, HE HAS A EYE FOR LOVE AND MAMA YALL ARE SO IN LOVE HE CAN’T 

(anyways i’m getting off track back to daddy joel) 

-Joel’s not much of a dancer but he taught you how to slow dance 

-You two would be in the living room with some old country song and he would be teaching you the steps 

-”You never know when this will come in handy, what if you date a person who likes to dance huh? you can tell them your daddy taught you the basics.” 

-At the dances you would just stand at the bar with him, not having any interests with any of the people there 

-Eventually he would pull you onto the dance floor just to show off your dance moves . You two could look like idiots together 

- He taught you a lot, he taught you how to wood carve, how to shoot a gun and even how to pick a lock 

-You two shared a love for music so yall would have long talks about old music 

-You were really close with him, i mean your mom died so he was all you had. He was a single parent raising a teenage girl so he was really protective of you 

-He wrote a whole song for you, future days?? yeah that was for you (for the headcanon lets just say he wrote it shush)

-There was a time were you felt down, about life and about yourself 

-You were questioning everything, you weren't the same and his fatherly instinct could tell something was up 

-So over a nice cup of coffee you opened up to him, telling him how you don’t get the point of this sad life. How you feel nothing mattered 

-He was taken back, it wasn’t like you too be like this. He saw you go through tough times but it was never like it. you weren’t yourself 

-”You know, i’ve struggled to survive for so long even before the outbreak. but you have to keep finding something to fight for, look at the bigger picture. You are here, with me. You're alive with a roof over your head, obviously there is a plan for you. You are smart and kind, I know it because I raised you that way. You will find your purpose eventually and i know that doesn’t help the feeling go away but i hope it will bring you some kind of peace.” 

-It did bring you peace, it felt nice to hear it especially from him 

-When he died, your world fell apart. 

-There was no more singing, no more dancing, and no more kisses good night... it was just nothing 

-You slept in his bed for months straight, you wore his clothes, you even drank out of his coffee cup 

-It seemed like you were never going to recover, your world had stopped. 

-”You have to keep finding something to fight for.” 

-You never did recover from it, but you slowly but surely picked yourself up 

-You always brought new flowers to his grave, all his favorite kind too 

-You settled down in a farmhouse with ellie, you littered it with things to honor and remind you of your dad 

-He raised you well, he raised you to be tough and smart but he always taught you how to be loving and kind to people 

-He was so proud of you for growing up to be a lovely woman and where he was now, he would always love you 

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!Credit to Gif owner!

[mophamsa]

Thoughts on The Last Of Us Part II

WRITING (creative process)

the game’s storyline is straight to the point, you can see from the trailer that it’s going to be a timeline about revenge. the whole game happens around joel’s death in the beginning and I guess that’s the whole reason why people are upset. but guess what? neil druckmann’s goal was to make you upset, angry and nostalgic. he accomplished his goal and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are.

you not liking the the way things went down does not mean the game’s writing is awful, it just means you were expecting something and got another. not liking something isn’t a crime and it’s totally ok as long as you respect the creators and don’t use your hate to put others down, it’s a valid opinion and that’s it.

what makes a story good is the writing and the thought put into it to make the player/reader/viewer feel a certain way, and the developers did an incredible job to do that. we feel frustrated, anxious and weird the entire gameplay and that’s exactly what they wanted from us, which means they won. I’ll talk more about my opinion on the storyline far ahead.

the graphic visuals of this game are RIDICULOUS, they’re perfect. every detail is insane to look at, they worked so hard to get it right and it was so worth it. every time I entered a new scenario I would just go into photo mode and appreciate the art because that’s what makes the game unforgettable and groundbreaking. the red lighting scenes were so perfectly made and so badass, the sky when ellie goes outside the farm with JJ is breathtaking just like every other view in the game. by far the most beautiful game I’ve ever had the honor to play.

STORYLINE (joel’s death)

the first game gave us a story about love and hope, making us guide joel into taking ellie to the fireflies looking for a cure based on ellie’s immunity. we spend the whole game thinking we’d get to the fireflies, make a cure and live happily ever after but that never happened in those terms. the gameplay made us slowly fall in love with joel and ellie as characters, joel for his tough personality that would fade under the influence of a little girl and ellie for her nativity and innocence as a young teenager who really wants to help other people by making a cure. that’s the whole situation of it, joel getting attached to ellie while she developed a paternal affection for him but in the end joel ends up doing an unforgivable thing, basically destroying the hope for a cure and ruining all hope for the world to heal from the outbreak, so he decides to lie to ellie blaming the fireflies for everything so he doesn’t lose her trust and love.

I do understand liking and loving joel as a character, myself included, because they made the game thinking about it and they knew the audience would develop a major caring for him and ellie as daughter and father, that’s how it was supposed to go and it worked it.

now let’s talk about joel’s death. I think we were all surprised to watch him die so early in the game but considering the game time and storyline, it would have never happened differently. his death was brutal, violent, merciless and inhuman, abby and her crew tortured him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he obviously suffered with ellie being held to the ground begging them to stop. I agree that it was a horrible death but we can’t just pretend joel was a sweet innocent hero because he wasn’t, the audience portrays him as a hero when he literally stopped the human race from being saved, killing the fireflies and acting out of pure selfishness. joel isn’t the angel some people paint him as, he’s not a good person and if ellie herself could never forgive him for what he did, who are we to do so? she said she would try but she never got the chance to and it took her years to even come to terms with it.

most importantly, it’s obvious that people forget these characters are human beings, not real people but they’re real in that universe and technically speaking, they run and feel the same way we would feel if we were in their shoes. they’re people, every character in the game is a person, with feelings, a background, a past, a personality and thoughts. they’re no different than us except for them living in a post apocalyptic world were morality and ethics aren’t taken into consideration since there is no law or living lifestyle.

for us to understand this storyline, we need to step away from our society’s view of morality and wrong or right, because that does not apply to them, everyone in the game has killed people and/or have done something morally questionable in their life since it’s the apocalypse and there is no wrong or right, there’s only how the characters feel about certain situations and how they act on them, which is basically what guides the entire game to happening the way it did: human feelings.

joel obviously changed after the first game, since he starts living in jackson and having to raise ellie as a daughter in a relatively normal town with other people, he’s not the same person as he was in part I, now he turned into a father and a friend, not a merciless mercenary who doesn’t care about others. we see that when he and tommy decide to help abby, a complete stranger who was about to die in the hands of infected, and maybe that’s what led people into hating abby with their heart. but ending this topic, joel’s death was bound to happen, you can’t just expect someone to destroy the world’s hope for a cure and leave with no people being angry at him and wanting revenge, that cure could’ve saved many people’s loved ones but he chose to save his loved one. if joel is indeed a terrible person or not, that’s up to you to decide, that’s more of an internal turmoil within yourself that is different for everyone depending on their experience from part I and how they view joel in the end. it’s kind of messed up if you think about it, would you let the only person you care about die for a not confirmed chance of a cure in a world that is already doomed? that’s a question for yourself.

joel’s death happened so you could see things from multiple perspectives, which is the whole fucking point of the game. there are multiple sides to every story, it’s the same world we live in except in different circumstances. your actions affect others, people have feelings and if you hurt them they might act a certain way, those characters are no different than us because they were based on genuine human thoughts and actions.

ELLIE (growth and development)

ellie is one of the most well written characters I’ve ever seen in my life. she’s the symbol of badass but fragile woman and that’s so amazing to me. as the game goes by we start seeing many sides of ellie, she slowly starts to turn into a completely different person after joel’s death and her urge for revenge. killing abby becomes her main priority the second she leaves jackson and that’s clear in the way she acts and treats others. I’ll have to play the game again to pay more attention to ellie and abby’s behavior throughout the timeline. ellie is the reflection of how the excessive amount of effort you put into a negative thought, the more it will bring you and your loved ones down. watching ellie during the story is such a nice experience, there are times where you love her to death, others you get annoyed with her or don’t agree with how she acts, and that’s exactly how the creators wanted you to feel. revenge takes ellie’s soul from the inside out, from her not being able to forgive herself for letting joel die to her going after abby for nothing but hate for herself in the end.

ellie’s journey is exciting to play and to witness as her relationship with other people (specially dina) starts to fade away and being consumed by hate and regret. we were manipulated into loving ellie since part I and I don’t think she’s a bad person, she lost everything in the hands of other people and went through a lot, losing joel was a deal breaker for her but she just didn’t realize soon enough that killing abby wasn’t going to make things better. ellie’s gameplay was meant to make you reflect on losing a loved one, grief, mourning and revenge, she’s not the lost kid from part I anymore, she’s a grown woman who just lost her dad and she doesn’t even know exactly why. the funny thing for me, which is what makes the story realistic, is that ellie didn’t fully forgive joel yet she still suffered from losing him and went after abby for revenge, when not even herself could forgive him, that’s pretty realistic in my opinion. it’s the human uncontrollable instinct of still missing someone you’re mad at and not being able to say goodbye.

for me, ellie is the perfect and most detailed reflection of revenge and what it can do to you. the game is much more than “revenge is bad don’t do it”, we all obviously know it’s bad but we still have an urge to fight back against it and make the person who hurt us suffer too because it’s not fair for us and it wasn’t fair for ellie until the very last moment.

ABBY (point of view and perspective)

by far the most controversial character of the game. I’ll star off saying I actually like abby and I think the people who hate her so deeply just didn’t understand how things go. hating abby is no different than hating ellie, they’re in the same situation for almost the entire game. abby lost her father in joel’s hands, she was still a teenager and seeing her own dad die for trying to save humanity isn’t easy, just like ellie watching joel being tortured and killed wasn’t easy. being fully honest ellie would’ve done the same thing abby did if joel was the doctor and we can’t deny that.

on the other hand, I do think the ellie and abby gameplays could’ve been distributed better, maybe switching from ellie to abby and back and forth so it wouldn’t get too tiring or confusing since we don’t know the exact timeline when we first play it. that’s the only slightly negative thing I have to say about the game.

I do think abby is a great character, they built her perfectly to make the audience hate her in the begging, painting her as a sadistic monster only to show her side of the story later on in the game and make you realize that you have been wrong all this time, making you see the bigger picture and understand that ellie isn’t the only person in the world, she isn’t loved by everyone, she’s just a girl in the world and so is abby. they both have fucked up pasts and they both lost a lot, and in terms of personality, they’re actually quite similar. we love ellie because we got to see her grow up and WE know that deep down she’s not a bad person, the first impression we had of abby was of her recklessly killing joel with a golf club when ellie was begging her to stop, since that we tend to think abby is a horrible person and that ellie is an angel, but it’s not like that at all. obviously ellie didn’t do anything wrong up to that moment to justify that happening to her, but ellie isn’t the best person in the world either.

the duality in this game was created on purpose and with a deeper meaning, ellie is ellie, abby is abby and the cycle of revenge goes on until both parts understand that it’s useless to keep going. abby let go before ellie could and let her and dina live because of lev, killing joel didn’t change abby to the better, lev changed her. tommy couldn’t change ellie, jesse couldn’t change ellie and not even dina could do it, ellie had to change and forgive herself alone. the point I’m trying to make is that abby is no better than ellie and ellie is no better than abby, they’re both emotionally drained women who are not wrong or right in the end of things.

DINA (support and reflection)

dina is the only character I will 100% defend because she’s flawless and did absolutely nothing wrong during the whole game. in my head she represents ellie’s good side, dina is the constant reminder that ellie hasn’t lost her humanity and hasn’t completely changed into someone else because of revenge, even when she has her downs (example: calling her a burden when dina says she’s pregnant). dina is the most forgiving and loyal character, she loves ellie more than anything and it shows. the sad part of it is that even with dina’s huge amount of love and affection, that doesn’t stop ellie from going in the wrong direction, which brings us to another life lesson: loving someone is a choice you make everyday and nobody can control your choices when you’re determined to do something.

ellie decided to go after abby, dina followed and supported her the whole way through, then she took that for granted and left dina and JJ behind to go after abby again (after abby let her and dina live) officially breaking dina’s heart. that was a choice, dina obviously cared so much about ellie, loved her so much but she couldn’t change ellie’s mind. but the point here is that dina is a reflection of ellie’s bright side, she keeps ellie sane until the very last moment, saving her life multiple times, going with her in a revenge journey, “you go, I go, end of story”, telling the wolves to fuck off and staying by ellie’s side, constantly putting her life at risk while being pregnant, she has loves ellie for such a long time even before getting with jesse (you can read ellie’s journal where she says cat told her dina is jealous of their relationship) and she probably took ellie back when she came back from santa barbara (a theory that I believe in because it makes sense).

dina is one of the few positive ends in the universe of the last of us, highly optimistic, funny, beautiful and an amazing support system for ellie. if it weren’t for dina, ellie would’ve become a monster.

LGBTQ+ REPRESENTATION (ellie x dina and lev)

it’s 2020 and people are still talking shit about the game just because of queer characters. that’s why I say people who hate the game are people who either didn’t capture the story or just didn’t even try to pay attention because of a closed mindset bigot sandwiches. representation is the best path to general acceptance, making people see different stories and realize that someone’s gender or sexuality does not influence on the quality of art.

ellie is a lesbian, that’s clear in the game when she says she’s “not into jessie’s type” (such a nice dialogue by the way), she talks about her ex girlfriend and clearly has had a crush on dina for the longest time (probably the reason why she broke up with cat).

dina is bisexual, in my opinion she always had a crush on ellie but maybe she lost motivation to to after her when she started to get close to cat and started talking to jessie because of that and it ended up working.

now dina and ellie’s relationship is probably the only thing that keeps us sane throughout the game, when we sit down to think “thank god ellie has dina, that means she’s not alone”, which is basically the whole concept of it, ellie not being alone because dina is there to hold her to the ground and stop her from becoming someone she doesn’t want to be.

lev being trans is something I can‘t have an opinion on, I have seen both sides: people saying it was a good approach and others saying it wasn’t an accurate representation. I’m not trans so my opinion isn’t valid and I can definitely see why many people think it was a bad reach but I also can see the other side, so I won’t comment on that.

the nice thing about representation in this game is that they brought it up as a normal thing, the only moment the focus is sexuality is when seth was being a dick and called dina the d-word, ellie got defensive but dina stopped her from getting into a fight. even then the main focus of that situation was how ellie dealt with joel saying she didn’t need his help. the point was never ellie’s sexuality, never, not even in a single moment, because it was never an issue. in a post apocalyptic society people don’t pay much attention to being homophobes (unless they’re in a fanatic religious cult or just assholes like seth).

the game approached the subject very bluntly but in a normal way, not making it that huge of a deal but it is a big deal for those who seek comfort and/or are dealing with their sexuality in a way. if a character they admire ends up being part of a minority group, they can relate to that and feel more comfortable in their own skin. we’re here, we’re real and we exist even in a fucked up infected world.

ENDING + THOUGHTS (moving on)

the last of us part II is a story about revenge, being completely different than part I which is a story about love and surviving. what happens in the second game are the consequences of the first, the choices joel made reflected upon himself, saving ellie costed everything; the cure, people’s lives and maybe a brighter future. people who are bashing the game for it’s storyline and how things went down need to understand that it’s not because we love joel that his actions didn’t matter to others. joel is a human being, so is abby and those who got harmed by joel’s choice to save ellie. joel killed abby’s dad, abby went after him for revenge, a predictable and reasonable thing to do if you just try to see it from her point of view, keep in mind that ellie would do the same exact thing.

if you can’t get yourself to see things from other people’s point of view, you missed the whole point of the game. the storyline isn’t summed up in “revenge is bad don’t do it kids”, it’s just based on the fact that death can never and will never bring you any sort of relief.

the game is the reflection of the cycle of revenge. abby going after joel for killing her dad, ellie going after abby and killing all of her friends in the process, abby finally breaks the cycle letting ellie and dina live but ellie couldn’t get over the guilt and went after abby again, yet she ended up letting her ago and officially breaking the chain for good.

the whole concept of the game is how seeking someone else’s suffering can lead to full destruction of someone’s character and values.

if ellie had killed abby she would’ve turned into the monster she was fighting against and she would lose literally everything she hadn’t already lost: her humanity. I don’t actually know the exact reason that compelled ellie to let abby go, maybe it was losing her fingers and realizing that she’ll never be able to play guitar again, which was her very last memory of joel and what he taught her. it could also be thinking of lev and how he’s the only thing abby has and vice versa, which is what she had with joel and what was taken from her, therefore she didn’t want to turn into the person who put someone through the same pain she was going through. technically if she killed abby she would have to kill lev to avoid him coming after her and continuing the cycle and doing that would kill ellie even more.

to make this shorter, abby moved on earlier than ellie. mostly because abby actually got her revenge killing joel but you gotta look through things before you put all the blame on her. ellie lost everyone in her life, her parents, riley, tess, sam and then joel, going after abby was a defense mechanism since she couldn’t have done anything to save those she lost before, but losing the one who took care and raised her was something she couldn’t bare, specially when she thought joel was the only person she had even though they weren’t in good terms and she and dina weren’t a thing yet.

ellie needed to revenge joel at all costs because that’s what she thought he would want, but in the end she realizes he would want her to move on and be happy, because that’s what he always tried to give her: the best shot in life that he couldn’t give sarah. ellie thought that by killing abby she would be able to let go, when in reality she would just feel more guilty for leaving lev alone like she was having no emotional relief concerning her PTSD. ellie got to that beach fully aware that killing abby wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but a single memory of joel made her make the decision that she wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. their final fight was silent, in the middle of nowhere, they had absolutely nothing to say to each other because they were both fighting for nothing but excessive mental emptiness. they both knew that nothing would bring their loved ones back and they were ready to move on.

what the game wants to teach you is that nothing good comes from searching revenge and other’s suffering. ellie gets consumed by her own view of justice and ends up losing herself both inside and outside, when she comes to terms with the fact that killing abby won’t bring joel back from the dead, it’s already too late. she lost jessie, her friendship with tommy, her good memories with joel, her fingers which results in her not being able to play guitar anymore, the love of her life and her son.

in the last of us part one ellie says that her biggest fear is to end up alone, and the saddest part of all is that her actions led her to making that fear come true. the ending is ambiguous, it can mean something different to different people depending on what you choose to interpret things and how you view the characters. for some, ellie could just end up alone looking for a life purpose that doesn’t involve anyone from her past. to others, ellie returned to jackson and proved dina that she loved her and that now she’s ready to fully commit because she let go of her anger and is at peace with herself and her inner struggles. but that’s all up to you to decide what you want to believe in.

at the end of the day, this storyline is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking and emotionally draining. it makes you think and open your mind to new perspectives, which is honestly one of the best things art is able to do, create a new universe for you to deep your thoughts in and take your own conclusions. the last of us didn’t have a bad or good ending, it had a realistic ending. just because they didn’t make this the way you wanted it doesn’t mean the writing is bad, it means you’re probably disappointed and that’s fine, but hating on it isn’t the way to make a point.

I can only thank everyone involved for creating this world and making me so invested in it, connecting me with these amazing characters and emotions that I never experienced playing a game before. there is nothing more to say except: endure and survive.

[saphicfreshman]

Spoilers tlou 2!!!

A lot of people seem to think that the entire message of the game is that violence is bad but I actually think that there is soo much more to it... (I'm gonna ramble about a lot of things and it's gonna be quite long, so sorry in advance. Also this is just my personal take on it. Please, don't feel offended if you see it differently)

1. As a player we feel incredible hatred towards Abby as a character after she kills Joel and we simply want to hurt her in the same way. We despise her, which is a natural human reaction. However, the point in this game is that it forces us to see the other perspective. It forces us to admit that maybe we weren't playing the heroes because in this game nobody is. This game revolves around humans and what they have to do to survive.

2. A lot of people complain that the game judges your actions or makes you feel guilty. It never explicitly judges anything. It simply shows you the different perspectives and that you feel guilty is on you, not on the game because through the game, we as the player realize that our actions had consequences and that we didn't just kill NPCs but humans who had friends and families and had their own personality. This makes the game so much more realistic.

3. If you don't play this game narrow-minded, you will see that Ellie and Abby have exactly the same motives. They both seek revenge for the same reason and even though Abby killed our beloved character Joel, we have to admit that Ellie and Tommy killing most of her friends and Joel killing her father the surgeon were pretty good reasons to justify her actions. We aren't supposed to love Abby after all she killed Joel but we are supposed to sympathize with her and at least I can say that it truly worked for me. At the beginning I only wanted revenge for Joel but on that beach scene I truly didn't want to see her die and I didn't want to fight against her.

4. I've heard many people say that the game forces you to dislike Ellie or to see Joel as the villain. I don't agree with this statement at all. The flashbacks we see of Joel and Ellie make Joel seem like such an amazing guy and make him even more loveable. We see that his relationship with Ellie grew even stronger until she found out that he had lied about the fireflies and we saw that Joel got softer in the years after the first game. He seemed to open up a bit more and I think that is due to his peaceful life in Jackson. I loved that development and I think that is also the reason why he told Abby's group his real name. He didn't see them as a threat since Jackson welcomed outsiders and constantly took new people in.

Concerning Ellie's storyline: Yes, she makes a lot of bad choices and I didn't want her to go down this path but I also understood why she did it. I don't hate her, if anything I feel sorry for her and want to protect her even more because of everything she's been through. Yes, she did threaten Lev but I can understand why... I played through this game in a bit more than two days and when it came to the beach scene I just felt exhausted and I wanted it to stop. When we as the player already feel like that think about the character. Ellie was wounded, has left her family and has done horrible things to get to Abby and now Abby refuses to fight her. Everything she had done would have been for nothing if she didn't fight Abby. So, I personally think that Ellie was desperate and that's the reason she threatened Lev but I also think that she wouldn't have killed him if it came down to it.

5. Now that I'm already talking about the ending, I want to add that I think that assumption that Ellie has lost everything at the end of the game is wrong. Yes, she has lost a lot but at the same time she found herself again. She stopped the cycle of hatred. If the game would have ended with Dina, JJ and her it would have been incredibly sweet but it wouldn't have been a character development. Because she was forced to let Abby go after Abby defeated Ellie and Dina. Ellie didn't have another choice in this moment but in order to let go of the hatred, she had to spare Abby out of her own volition. At the end she regained some sense of humanity and there's still hope for her. At least that is what I got from that ending. In my opinion the reasons why she spared Abby are these two things:

1) Through the flashback she saw Joel and realized that no matter what she did he was gone and nothing could bring him back. At the same time she probably remembered Joel for who he had been in the last few years and what he would have wanted her to do.

2) She thought about Lev who had nobody except for Abby which is such a strong parallel to Ellie and Joel. She didn't want to cause Lev the same pain and suffering by taking Abby away from him.

6. I saw many messages about how important these characters (Ellie and Joel) are to people and how they deserved better/were completely different characters in this game.

I started playing the first game when I was 14 (just like Ellie) but I was honestly a bit to scared to play through the game so I played different games until I came back to tlou a few years later and I found myself incredibly impressed with the story. I loved how despite the cruel and harsh world Ellie and Joel live in the game still made me feel happy and calm in many sections. It was such a joy to watch the relationship between Ellie and Joel develop throughout the game. Playing the dlc and finding out that Ellie is a gay woman, just as me, obviously made me love the character even more.

Nowadays, I'm 19 (again just as old as Ellie) and I have become more mature, I have to face bigger and different problems than with 14 and I see the world in a different way. (I know that was a lot of information about me, I'm sorry but I promise I try to get to a point)

In the second game Ellie isn't the innocent, sweet little girl anymore that we got to know in the first game. She has been through a lot, she has different problems now and simply life in general is a lot more complicated than with 14. A huge part of the first game was about Ellie's innocence and how she grew up in front of our eyes during the game. "It can't all be for nothing" is in my opinion such a powerful line that explains her character development in tlou 1 perfectly. In the second game she is an adult with complex and complicated relationships and a different world view. She stopped being the innocent child a long time ago and is now a grown woman who isn't dependent on Joel anymore. So, that their dynamics would change is obvious. I am sad at the tragic turn of events for Joel and Ellie in tlou part 2 but I believe that the characters are incredibly well written and just a good continuation of the first game.

7. I see many people being toxic and attacking the story saying that it is "shit", "horrible", and that a child could write a better one. And I have to say that the people who say this probably would be more content with a fanfic like story from a child that includes a nice, action adventure and a happy ending. A light-hearted story that's maybe a bit dark sometimes but overall pretty nice. But that's not what Neil had in mind, because it truly would be easy to write a story that would appease the masses and that would be a slightly different game than the first one but overall with the same atmosphere to it. I think that's what a lot of fans wanted and that's not what we got.

Instead we got an amazing story that was incredibly emotional, took turns and forced us out of our comfort zone. I know that I will never forget this gaming experience. Especially the moment where I had to attack Ellie as Abby and I truly thought I was going to kill her. I smashed the square button while at the same time repeatedly saying: "please don't die Ellie, please don't die". I've never had such a weird, conflicting experience and I have never felt so many different emotions while playing a game. If naughty dog and Neil Druckmann had given us the game we wanted, it would have been a good gameplay, amazing visuals and great music and sound choices but it would have been a story that would have tried to recreate the first one and therefore it would have been easily forgettable and not impactful.

This game just keeps on making me think about the characters, reflecting on their actions and makes me feel so many different emotions that I'm not even sure what to think. And this, at least for me, is a masterpiece.

[yourneighbourpotato]

An essay and rant on TLOU II

How about naughty dog takes another year or 2 or 3 and does the same thing that sonic movie did and remakes the game and we all agree that part 2 was an unofficial fever dream. And skip to part 3 where everyone gets better development and better not dry deaths or no deaths 💞 and every diverse character isn't there just to be there 💖💖💖 but they are there as people with polished personalities and growth 💞 because as much I'd like to scream gay, lesbian, trans rights I can't.

Although the story needs some or maybe a lot of polishing. The overall ideas aren't that bad but the execution. That's where ND kind of fucked up. Graphics and gameplay may have improved but the game is so slow paced that it can get quite annoying. Graphics and gameplay sadly don't outweigh the minuses of the story.

Now let's get into some spoilers. So yeah spoiler warning.

First of all let's start with Abby. Why? Just why? What's the point of forcing everyone to play as her after she killed Joel who helped her? Also how the fuck did the least trustful character who outsmarted other survivors in 1st game just forgot all survival tactics and experience he had??? Why did Ellie just decided not to use a gun on Abbys group? Or why didn't she think of some plan to distract or ambush them??? Why were we made to chase after Abby the whole game only to see Ellie refuse to kill her? Why did we have to jump around the characters and story so much? Why was the story told in that order??? And etc.

Now. I don't mind ND killing a character but they did it way too early and way too shitty, I wish his death was more meaningful or at least they made a nice build up to that significant moment. Tbh even getting Joel seriously hurt (could've been to the point where he can't live his life like before, can't move legs, looses an arm(so he can't play guitar), can't use his body at all, etc.) that would've been enough to make everyone angry and wanting for revenge maybe even more?.. Or if they(Abbys group) wanted to get revenge on Joel so bad they could've just fucked Ellie up(make him watch her getting tortured/killed maybe) to cause even more pain to Joel who now sees Ellie as a daughter. Abbys part could've been way shorter or at the very least once again done in completely different manner. Because almost no one gave a single shit about Abby and her story and her part of the game. The game could've deceived us into thinking that Abby is a nice pal and she becomes part of Jackson and then she strikes once she gets to know Joel's weak points. Fuck it destroy Jackson like Joel destroyed the fireflies facility. Make it epic. Idk.

Or. Give players more freedom in making choices of what they want to do.? Just a thought.

I don't mind developers that try to be brave and try out new things but if you do it do it thoughtfully with passion that shines through the screen even in the darkest moments.

Now let's move on to the things I actually liked. Obviously I liked graphics they were decent and the environments looked great, not to mention how much fun you can have with photo mode. Music as always was beautiful, loved the guitar in this one too. Gameplay, well it wasn't the hugest leap forward with it because there were stuff that were just chores to lengthen the gameplay in the most boring way possible, such as get this cart to this place so you can climb up or get this wire to start electricity so u can open the gate and etc.(basically the same shit like in the last game or tbh almost any of their games, yes I'm talking to you uncharted but everything else with gameplay such as exploring was more or less fun) Killing enemies was fun, not so much fun killing dogs but you gotta do what you gotta do. Killing Abby at any given opportunity was also quite the attraction. Almost every flashback with Joel and Ellie was enjoyable and brought some tingly emotions in me and also were fun to play and experience. Ellies and Dinas relationship was for more or less okay for me and the 2 of them had some nice moments together (which. Could've been better but oh well, let's not deny that TAAAAAAKEEE E ONNNNN MEEEEEE TAKE ON MEEEE was epic) Also I like how the NPCs that you're with are always doing something even when you are standing in one place(and they also help you out with taking out enemies). I liked that we got some more details about the world of TLOU but it could've been done better. And that's probably about it.

Edit: no that's not about it, the snowball fight was lit. Playing the guitar is enjoyable(guitar hero has nothing on this part). And petting dogs is a plus as well.

Tbh I think ND will have a hard time gaining back the trust from their fans and their ex-fans. It's either they completely remake the story of part 2 or they might as well release some sort of game where we get to play as Joel in that skipped 20 year period. AND IT BETTER BE POLISHED AS FUCK. Wouldn't mind if it went little below the level of 1st game but not below the left behind dlc.

Thank your for listening to my Ted talk anyone wanting to talk and rant. Feel free to do so, share your experience. Video games are art and since art is subjective all opinions are valid. Just because opinions are different doesn't mean one's thoughts are superior to others and there's definitely no need to feel personally attacked by someone else's opinion.

[kenzrocks47]

WHY I THINK THE LAST OF US PART TWO WAS AN AMAZING GAME BOTH STORY WISE AND PLAY WISE

I know a lot of people hated the game and felt like it wasn’t executed the way that it should but I disagree. It might be because I wasn’t waiting for 7 years for the game to come out, I only played the first one less than a year ago so i didn’t have the same expectations.

I think that people see Joels death as poorly executed and some felt like they threw him away, as well as being angry he wasn’t a bigger part of the story. Joel was a huge part of the story on the contrary, i get that he wasn’t a playable character and didn’t accopany the Ellie on her quest for vengance but i think its actually better that way. I love Joel as much as everyone but having him as a compainion would have taken away from her story, her struggles. I’ve heard that people think that the way he died was unlike Joel, and that he wouldn’t be as naïve as they thought he was. Which honestly makes me kinda mad. Joel litterally had no choice, he had just saved a stranger from a horde of infected and she had a place that they could escape from the horde. He didn’t expect to be shot in the knee with a shotgun and beat to death by a girl who he didn’t know prior to him saving her. Even if he did, it wasn’t a situation he could likely get out of alive anyway. Unlike the first game, this group wasn’t spread out and somewhat unaware he was there, they all knew who he was, and were all in the same room, him and Tommy were outnumbered and taken by suprise. Joel would have died either way.

The next thing i know people absolutely hate about the game is the ending, Ellie and Dina are settled down in a farmhouse with their son JJ and are happy, and then Tommy comes to tell Ellie he knows where Abby is. Ellie leaves, knowing she’d lose Dina and JJ if she went after her, and still decided to go. Only to not kill Abby, so she lost her family to go after someone she didnt kill in the end. People understandably were outraged by this and thought Naughty Dog did this for no reason, but there was reason.

Throughout the game if you were really paying attention and thinking about whats going on in the story, you can draw a lot of parallels between Ellie amd Joel. Even though she only knew Joel for around four years, they had a very deep bond and he affected her more than anyone. She experienced his ruthlessness and actions first hand and learned from him, as she never really had much experience with violence beforehand. At first in Part 2 she seems ok with killing and is pretty good at it as well, but unlike Joel, she hasn’t ever really killed for her own reasons outside of survival, shes killing people out of vengance and rage because of Joels death at the hands of the WLF and it starts to affect her. She tortures Nora, which as far as we know shes never had to do before, and it affects her, makes her afraid of herself in a way that she wasnt before, it makes her realize how ruthless shes become. So it would make sense in my mind that after all this killing at Ellies hand that when she finally gets to the end of her mission, she finally gets to Abby, that suddenly its not what she wants anymore. She killed so many people and now while she knows why she did it, she cant find the will to end another life for her own desires. We dont know how we would react in her shoes, how it would affect us or if we would be able to live with it and kill the one person you killed hundereds of people to get to. I dont know about you but i think id be tired of it, still angry and still vengeful, but tired most of all.

To be honest, i understand why they went after Joel. I love him and i cried when he died but their anger at him was understandable. He took away the only people that had a chance at making a vaccine/cure and killed numerous fireflies in the process. We are biased because we watched and played through his story, we loved him, but he wasnt a good person, in this kind of world no one would be.

One of the biggest things on my mind about the story is that while its based around vengance, its also about the consequences of our actions on ourselves and others. The consequences of Joels actions being some of the biggest. By saving Ellie, he doomed humanity and later himself. His actions led to his death years later. But it also strongly affected Ellie obviously. His actions led to her becoming very much like him, killing dozens of people for her own agenda being hard and ruthless and not caring much for others outside of the Jackson community. It led her down a path of violence and death and self destruction. And it continued to when she lost Dina and JJ when she went to kill Abby. She had to learn and lost her everything in the process.

(Sorry im not very good about expressing my thoughts clearly in a way that say exactly what im trying to cause i think more in picture and scenes)

I dont think i really have to go to much into why the gameplay was amazing but i will a little. It still amazes me how natural the character interactions are, and how the relationships weren’t awkward or forced. I also liked how when they had you play Abby, they added little things to make her more human, like her recklessness, fear of hights and her relationships with her group, even that little bit of conflict you can see when she realizes that the person who saved her life was the person she hated the most.

Ok can we TALK about the newer functions tho??? Going prone, UNLIMITED SHIV, and fucking being able to craft motherfucking silencers??? Dont even get me started on how much i love love love the ability to break glass because it made me want to cry i was so happy. Plus how much more open the world was in Part two! Still not really that open but way more than before and was really fun, plus Ellie can finally swim!

As much as i hate Stalkers (those fuckers freak me out) i love how they were more used in a way, not commonly like Runners and Clickers thank god but still a little more used.

Oh! And how machetes and axes and shit have longer use now! I always thought they would be realistically less breakable than wood planks so this made me really happy!

I love the crafting, how you can make more shit now and the upgrade sections for different skills (stealth being my favorites). I also really like the animations when you upgrade your weapons, i think its really cool honestly even tho its such a small part of the game. Another small part i liked was the guitar functions, i think its really awesome and shows a part of Joel she kept with her.

I also really like what the flashbacks added to the story, seeing Ellie and Joels realtionship over the four years and how close they were and how they changed.

I could probably say more but if you read this far i think I probably said enough. These are all my opinions and i know not everyone will agree with them which is totally fine! There is more i most likely forgot and some things i dont know how to phrase right but thanks for suffering through my paragraphs if you’re reading this! :))

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Postmortem: Missing Number

It’s weird writing a postmortem for a game so soon after release but, with these leaks and the disheartening truth behind them, The Last of Us II might as well have been out for months. i wrote, at length, about the biggest issues I saw while experiencing this game and wanted to double back a little bit. I have a few ideas about how to fix what was so obviously broken. So, now that we have all mourned for what could have been, let's dissect what ails this death on arrival.

Issue: The writing is absolutely abhorrent for these characters

A few days ago, i addressed why i thought TLoU II failed so miserably upon release; Poor writing and even worse execution. The Last of Us II has an interesting and compelling narrative, the bones of this story are dope, but the execution is the absolute worst. In a vacuum, this story could have been something, but by using established characters and events, it becomes a disgusting mess.

Fix 1: This should have been the third game in a trilogy

Why was Joel such a weenie? Why was Ellie so blood thirsty? Who the f*ck even is Abby? Either this sh*t was addressed superficially or not at all during the course of the story we were given. That doesn't cut it. Thee is too much missing from everyone involved. Ellie, in the first title, would not have been driven for such violent revenge. Not even a little bit. When we last saw her, she was just beginning that descent into darkness. Joel was the murderer. Joel was the monster. Joel was the antagonist of the first game. Joel was what that world made him. The sh*t Abby pulled would never have flown with TLoU I Joel. What the f*ck happened during the time jump to make him so goddamn gullible? More important than anything, who the f*ck is Abby? She has such an emotionally driven tale of revenge and we don't even know who the f*ck her parents are? We are given a glib idea but, as someone experiencing a story that demands you emotionally attach to it's characters, what we got was not enough. There is an entire chunk of character development, world building, and crucial narrative growth that should have been explored BEFORE we got where we are in this current title. The Last of Us II should have been a III.

We should have got another title where we saw Ellie strain and eventually break from Joel. We should have seen him lose another daughter and watch as that slowly erode the Joel we knew, into the Joel we have in II. We should have seen bits of Abby struggle alone in the world, finding her way through a darker version of what was left behind. We should have been able to play as Ellie, maybe learning of hints to what Joel did for her, to her, coming across the name “Anderson” during her soul-searching. Hell, she could have actually helped Abby at one point, neither really knowing each other during a mission or, maybe, Ellie having a feeling about this new girl. Maybe she senses the animosity and you, as the player, have to witness Ellie debating whether to kill this girl, even if she hasn’t done anything just yet. All of the bloody pathos that will bind them together, curdling just under the surface of this budding relationship. There is so much fertile narrative ground there to build an awesome third title, to make what we got, great, because The Last of Us II has the bones to BE great. The execution, though, kills it all.

Fix 2: Give Abby Some DLC

Abby is mystery and not in a good way. We don’t know anything about this broad outside of her paper thin motivations. She’s the main antagonist and half the protagonist, but we are playing a stranger. That’s just poor writing right there, especially coming off of how rich everything we got with the first title turned out to be. How can you follow such story driven girth, with such limp drivel? Give Abby her own DLC. Make it follow her growth into the murder revenge machine she turned out to be. Why is she so yoked? How long was she been part of that crew? How many motherf*ckers did she kill on her blood-soaked rampage? We don’t know. This doesn't fix the left-turn Ellie and Joel make, i think you’d need to release an entire game to develop that sh*t properly, but giving Abby more agency can go a long way to making people care about who we fans see as a story-derailing, sour puss, homewrecker.

Fix 3: Make a prequel

That game i said we were missing in the middle? Yeah, make it anyway and call it III. Look, to make II worth a damn, you need those missing narrative beats. You need to explain why the characters we spent so much time with in I, characters we learned so much about and were so connected with emotionally, act completely different than where we left them. That’s how you tell a compelling story. That’s how you develop characters. That’s how you build worlds. You can’t just drop us in the middle of an arc that has nothing to do with anything we actually know, and expect us, as the player, to care. I mean, you can if you’re good at your job but it’s very obvious the writers were more concerned with agendas, rather than creating a great narrative and plot. You bring in Anita Sarkessian and you’re story is about to go straight down the toilet. That’s exactly what happened here. Motherf*ckers got bogged down by politics and forgot to tell half the story. Well, get to it, Naughty Dog. Show us what we missed. Convince us that Joel would willingly abandon his agency and why Ellie can be a straight up murderer. We need THAT story to give value to THIS story.

The Last of Us II isn’t a bad game. It’s decent to play. The narrative, itself, isn’t terrible, if you remove our principal characters. If this had a cat of brand new motherf*ckers, okay. Great story. Holy sh*t, things have gotten bad. I wonder what Joel and Ellie are up to? Right? Next game, guess who’s back? Nah, that’s not where we went with this thing. Instead, they pulled a Last Jedi and alienated everything about the characters we journey with before, in favor of uplifting OCs and Mary Sues. I love the idea of exploring what it means to live trauma. How people survive with everyday horrors. The PTSD all of these people have must be devastating. hat does that do to a person? How does that effect them? Why was this story told, the way it was told, with the characters it had, when there was so many other ways to go with this narrative? In this world? It doesn’t make sense and the overall narrative suffers for it.

[littlemorals-a]

i know i said i’d only say my thoughts on part two if asked buuuut i sort of feel like they need to be said so be wary of spoilers for basically the whole game under the cut !

i didn’t love the game & i didn’t hate it. i still had fun playing it when i wasn’t sobbing profusely. obviously, i think the story is horseshit. neil took the main characters we grew with & came to love only to grind them under his heel. at times, they were written poorly ( namely joel, ellie & tommy ) & it’s clear to see that neil tried entirely too hard to surpass his previous work on the first game. so many of those who love tlo.u love it because of the message of hope, the relatable characters & what it has to say about relationships. neil said himself that part two is about the opposite of hope & who the fuck wants to play a game about hatred ??  ellie & joel lost their chances of a happy life. not only was it insulting for me to believe joel would let his guard down in front of total strangers, but he was the one person ellie was never supposed to lose tragically. however, joel did get what was coming to him. there’s no way his past wouldn’t eventually catch up with him considering all the people he slaughtered. it’s the manner in which this was handled i have issues with.

 as for ellie, i didn’t watch her grow up only for her to be wrung of whatever she had left in her. she went through more than enough pain, betrayal & trauma in part one. watching a kid get traumatized beyond recognition is not my idea of fun leisure time. this is not me saying my view is what’s true & concrete about this game & i am not judging anyone who enjoyed it fully. i’ve had time to think over my gameplay experience & sort through my thoughts & personal opinions & i absolutely don’t expect you all to agree with me. ellie was spunky, loving, & entirely herself. she’s left with nothing, not even guitar playing in the end. she’s once again lost everything she held dear. she’s become a shell of herself & a cardboard cutout of the man joel was at the beginning of summer in part one. 

if you ask me, much more parallels between ellie & joel -- abby & joel, too -- than ellie & abby. for one story, it’s heart-shattering. for another, it’s almost refreshing to see that transformation. it’s something to contemplate seeing abby in joel’s position from hardened, grieving survivor to discovering love when you least expect or even want it.

there’s hope for abby & lev in the end when we see their boat has beached & a sunrise on the horizon. i like abby, i love lev, so this lessened the blow to see post credits.

while i think the morally gray message of this game is unique, & whether you like it or not it does make you ponder on the perspective of characters you might otherwise be biased towards, the theme of grimdark on grimdark is nothing new. i originally wanted nothing to do with abby or her story, but as i played, around the middle of it i found myself warming up to her. again, though, what annoys me about abby’s sections were the contrasts to ellie’s. BUT, i’d of course feel differently if it were abby in part one instead of ellie. hence the point of the game’s message.

lastly, so many deaths were unnecessary. one that comes to mind for me is yara’s. i could guess that jesse wouldn’t survive, but watching a little girl be repeatedly shot even after she’s passed was truly horrific. nd already made their point in part one that not even children are exempt from this world & honestly fuck that scene. you can make a truly realistic & raw game without shock factor carelessly thrown into it.

tl;dr, not a total waste of my time & money. i plan to play it again but never has a game drained me in almost every way like this one has. so i guess i’d rate the game a six on a scale of one to ten. i was hoping for much better than a six.

[jakeh2987]

We Found Each Other In The Dark: The Last of Us Retrospective

On Christmas Day in 2012, I was gifted two games by my cousin; I had just gotten my PS3 over that summer, and while I had a few games, my library was pretty limited at that time. Those two games were the first two Uncharted games, Drake's Fortune and Among Thieves. I played those games in very quick succession over the next month or so into 2013, and bought and finished the third game, Drake's Deception. To this day, the Uncharted series remains my favorite in gaming, but little did I know just how impactful that Christmas gift would end up being in my life, even nearly eight years later. At this time, I didn't really follow specific game developers or studios; I kinda just saw a game I was interested in, kept up with that particular game, and eventually bought it when I could. However, I knew I had to see what Naughty Dog, the company who developed the Uncharted series, was going to do next. It turns out they were working on a little game called The Last of Us that was going to be releasing later that year. I was all in on the marketing and diving into any coverage I could, and the anticipation kept building unlike any game I could really remember. Then, right before the game's June 14th release, the reviews hit, and my excitement hit its peak, because the reception was absolutely glowing in a way I hadn't really seen for a video game. I knew The Last of Us was going to be special, but I don't think I was prepared for how much impact it would have. A couple days after the game came out, I was able to go out and pick up a copy. I don't remember how long it took me to finish the game, but I do remember rolling credits on it at like 3 or 4 in the morning one day, just letting them play while I sat there in total awe at what I just played. The Last of Us is a game that truly blew me away in so many different ways, but the thing that has always stuck with me is the story and its characters. The Uncharted games had really fun stories and memorable characters, but Naughty Dog brought it to another level with this game. Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson as Joel and Ellie remain some of the most powerful performances I've ever seen in not just gaming, but in any medium. The storytelling, while on the surface a fairly typical post-apocalypse, zombie-like survival story, was told in a really grounded way that made it resonate more than a lot of other stories in the genre. Everything was centered around Joel and Ellie's journey and how their relationship progresses, and there are some truly poignant moments throughout the story that I still get emotional watching when I replay it or watch someone else play it. This was a story about love and how far you're willing to go to protect it, or find it again, and it's also a story about resilience and finding hope in a world that doesn't have much of it, to say the least. I often find something new to take away from it every time I play it again, which I've done every year since I got my PS4 and the Remastered version in 2015. I can certainly say that playing it this year to get ready for its sequel in the midst of a global pandemic in real life added another layer in the back of my mind. But ultimately, The Last of Us is a game that's about two people finding each other in darkness and helping each other navigate it into, hopefully, the light, and that has stuck with me from day one. There's a reason this piece is named after the song by City & Colour, but more on that in a bit. The Last of Us is an amazing game on its own, but there's also a personal reason this game means even more to me now than it did even when I first played it. One of my very best friends Patches and I met on Twitter in December 2017 because of our mutual love of the game. Funny thing is, it was totally by chance; she had attended that year's Playstation Experience, and she got the opportunity to meet Neil Druckmann, creative director/writer for the games and now-Vice President of Naughty Dog, basically the creative face of the game. Neil had retweeted photos of a tattoo Patches had gotten and a photo of the two of them meeting, and I happened to see them and decided to give her a follow. I was just starting to get my footing in online gaming communities after listening to the Kinda Funny crew and other places throughout that year, and I was looking for more people to follow who were in the same spaces. The tattoo, which is a replica of Ellie's tattoo from Part II, was also just really cool. Anyway, Patches and I interacted a bit throughout the next year or so, but it wasn't until late summer/early fall last year that we actually became friends and grew to be really close. I won't go into personal details here, obviously, but we were both in some rather dark places, and I think we were able to dust each other off and help pull each other out of that darkness. We became life-long friends because of that experience, and now we have a really strong bond over this game, and I'm just so eternally grateful for that. Like I said earlier, this game is about two people who find each other in the darkness and helped pull each other out of it, and because of this game, Patches and I were able to do that for each other. And for a video game to have an impact like that is truly special. As I write this, we're just about a week away from the release of The Last of Us Part II. I know this game is going to destroy me emotionally, but I couldn't be any more excited for it. The first game changed the way I looked at video games and it led me to a life-long friendship I'll cherish forever, so I cannot wait to see what Part II has in store. 

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Postmortem: Missing Number

It’s weird writing a postmortem for a game so soon after release but, with these leaks and the disheartening truth behind them, The Last of Us II might as well have been out for months. i wrote, at length, about the biggest issues I saw while experiencing this game and wanted to double back a little bit. I have a few ideas about how to fix what was so obviously broken. So, now that we have all mourned for what could have been, let's dissect what ails this death on arrival.

Issue: The writing is absolutely abhorrent for these characters

A few days ago, i addressed why i thought TLoU II failed so miserably upon release; Poor writing and even worse execution. The Last of Us II has an interesting and compelling narrative, the bones of this story are dope, but the execution is the absolute worst. In a vacuum, this story could have been something, but by using established characters and events, it becomes a disgusting mess.

Fix 1: This should have been the third game in a trilogy

Why was Joel such a weenie? Why was Ellie so blood thirsty? Who the f*ck even is Abby? Either this sh*t was addressed superficially or not at all during the course of the story we were given. That doesn't cut it. Thee is too much missing from everyone involved. Ellie, in the first title, would not have been driven for such violent revenge. Not even a little bit. When we last saw her, she was just beginning that descent into darkness. Joel was the murderer. Joel was the monster. Joel was the antagonist of the first game. Joel was what that world made him. The sh*t Abby pulled would never have flown with TLoU I Joel. What the f*ck happened during the time jump to make him so goddamn gullible? More important than anything, who the f*ck is Abby? She has such an emotionally driven tale of revenge and we don't even know who the f*ck her parents are? We are given a glib idea but, as someone experiencing a story that demands you emotionally attach to it's characters, what we got was not enough. There is an entire chunk of character development, world building, and crucial narrative growth that should have been explored BEFORE we got where we are in this current title. The Last of Us II should have been a III.

We should have got another title where we saw Ellie strain and eventually break from Joel. We should have seen him lose another daughter and watch as that slowly erode the Joel we knew, into the Joel we have in II. We should have seen bits of Abby struggle alone in the world, finding her way through a darker version of what was left behind. We should have been able to play as Ellie, maybe learning of hints to what Joel did for her, to her, coming across the name “Anderson” during her soul-searching. Hell, she could have actually helped Abby at one point, neither really knowing each other during a mission or, maybe, Ellie having a feeling about this new girl. Maybe she senses the animosity and you, as the player, have to witness Ellie debating whether to kill this girl, even if she hasn’t done anything just yet. All of the bloody pathos that will bind them together, curdling just under the surface of this budding relationship. There is so much fertile narrative ground there to build an awesome third title, to make what we got, great, because The Last of Us II has the bones to BE great. The execution, though, kills it all.

Fix 2: Give Abby Some DLC

Abby is mystery and not in a good way. We don’t know anything about this broad outside of her paper thin motivations. She’s the main antagonist and half the protagonist, but we are playing a stranger. That’s just poor writing right there, especially coming off of how rich everything we got with the first title turned out to be. How can you follow such story driven girth, with such limp drivel? Give Abby her own DLC. Make it follow her growth into the murder revenge machine she turned out to be. Why is she so yoked? How long was she been part of that crew? How many motherf*ckers did she kill on her blood-soaked rampage? We don’t know. This doesn't fix the left-turn Ellie and Joel make, i think you’d need to release an entire game to develop that sh*t properly, but giving Abby more agency can go a long way to making people care about who we fans see as a story-derailing, sour puss, homewrecker.

Fix 3: Make a prequel

That game i said we were missing in the middle? Yeah, make it anyway and call it III. Look, to make II worth a damn, you need those missing narrative beats. You need to explain why the characters we spent so much time with in I, characters we learned so much about and were so connected with emotionally, act completely different than where we left them. That’s how you tell a compelling story. That’s how you develop characters. That’s how you build worlds. You can’t just drop us in the middle of an arc that has nothing to do with anything we actually know, and expect us, as the player, to care. I mean, you can if you’re good at your job but it’s very obvious the writers were more concerned with agendas, rather than creating a great narrative and plot. You bring in Anita Sarkessian and you’re story is about to go straight down the toilet. That’s exactly what happened here. Motherf*ckers got bogged down by politics and forgot to tell half the story. Well, get to it, Naughty Dog. Show us what we missed. Convince us that Joel would willingly abandon his agency and why Ellie can be a straight up murderer. We need THAT story to give value to THIS story.

The Last of Us II isn’t a bad game. It’s decent to play. The narrative, itself, isn’t terrible, if you remove our principal characters. If this had a cat of brand new motherf*ckers, okay. Great story. Holy sh*t, things have gotten bad. I wonder what Joel and Ellie are up to? Right? Next game, guess who’s back? Nah, that’s not where we went with this thing. Instead, they pulled a Last Jedi and alienated everything about the characters we journey with before, in favor of uplifting OCs and Mary Sues. I love the idea of exploring what it means to live trauma. How people survive with everyday horrors. The PTSD all of these people have must be devastating. hat does that do to a person? How does that effect them? Why was this story told, the way it was told, with the characters it had, when there was so many other ways to go with this narrative? In this world? It doesn’t make sense and the overall narrative suffers for it.