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angelpunswriting · 5 years

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Show Me (unfinished NaNoWrimo story)

(beware, this is super long, read at your own risk)

Landon sighed, gripping the handle of his suit case tightly. He didn’t want to be here. As nice as this family was for taking him in, he was sure they didn’t want him here either. He continued to stare up at the ranch-style house for a few more moments, admiring the chipped white paint and broken shutters. It wasn’t exactly the nicest house, but the rustic vibe was rather charming. Taking a deep breath, the raven finally made his way up the creaking, wooden porch steps and into the house. Before he even opened the door, Landon could hear a woman singing along to a radio inside, her voice loud and rising even above the laughter and shouts of children throughout the house. He reached up and fixed his hearing aid, knowing it’d be too loud the moment he went in. As he stepped inside, the smell of something cooking filled his nose. It was pleasant, but he couldn’t exactly place what kind of food it was.

The door squeaked as he opened it, and the singing stopped, a rather plump woman looking up from her work at the stove. He didn’t realize the kitchen was so close.

She grinned at the sight of him, showing off the gap between her teeth.

“ oh, you must be Landon! “ She wiped her hands on her apron and sauntered over, pulling him into a tight hug. The male stiffened at the touch, but didn’t push her away.

He wasn’t sure he had the strength to, anyway.

Even if she only came up to his chest, she had a steel grip on him. Despite being short, the woman was quite stocky, her skin dark and her chestnut hair pulled up into a bun on the top of her head.

It tickled his chin a bit when she hugged him, and Landon could only wonder if she put it up that way to make her appear taller.

“ sorry I couldn’t pick you up at the airport, I’ve been up to my ears in kids and housework for the last two weeks!” She laughed, her booming voice making his chest vibrate.

She finally pulled away, though her hands remained on his shoulders and she gave him a once over.

“ Look at you, doll, you’re so big now, “ she smiled warmly, squeezing his shoulders gently, “ last time I saw you, you were just a baby..”

There was a brief moment where she looked as if she were recalling a good memory, but the woman shook her head and let go of him, grabbing his suitcase. He almost protested, but she had already started down the hall, telling him to follow her.

“ let me show you your room, then you can freshen up before dinner,” she headed up the staircase at the end of the hall, kicking at toys and shoes that sat in her way.

Landon followed close behind, simply avoiding the stray items altogether. He guessed that this woman was Mrs. Harper, his dad’s old buddy. He hadn’t expected her to have so many kids, or to be so kind. His dad was always telling stories about his old friends, and he’d been told some crazy ones about Mrs. Harper. Now that he’d actually met her, he wasn’t sure which reality to believe.

“ Maybe after dinner you can get Jesse to show you ‘round the farm, “ she began, pulling Landon from his thoughts, “ he’s about your age, maybe a couple of months older”

She continued to talk about the rest of her children, though Landon only really caught bits and pieces, as she was so quick on her feet that she was a bit too far away for him to hear. They finally stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall, Mrs. Harper pulling out a key and unlocking it for him.

She handed Landon the key, before making her way inside and setting his suitcase by the bed.

Landon followed her into the room, glancing around as she continued to speak.

“ make yourself at home, honey. Dinner’s at six or so, “ she began out the door, giving him a little wave before closing it behind her. He watched her go, making certain she was gone before taking in the room.

It was cleaner than the rest of the house. At least, cleaner than the parts of the house he’d seen already.

The bed was pushed against the wall under the window, and had been fitted with clean, white sheets and a nice quilt. The only other pieces of furniture in the room were a desk and a dresser, both of which were bare, except for a small lamp they’d placed on the desk.

It wasn’t particularly small, but he could tell it only seemed bigger because of the lack of furniture and how clean it was. Landon didn’t mind, of course, he was just thankful that he didn’t have to share a room with anyone. As many children as there were in this house, he wouldn’t be surprised if more than two slept in a room together. Landon picked his suitcase up and set it on the bed, unzipping it and starting to unpack.

When his dad had told him that he’d be living with a couple of his friends, he hadn’t expected them to be this inviting. He’d been even more surprised to find out that they lived on a small farm. They lived so far out from the city, he wondered if they had really been friends with his dad. After all, all the other people he’d met that were involved with his dad were gang members, drug addicts, and prostitutes. The fact that the Harper family was so normal was surreal.

The raven got over his initial shock pretty easily and began putting his clothes away. He’d only really brought enough for two weeks and two or three pairs of pajamas, all of which he put into the bare dresser. The only other thing he’d brought aside from clothes and his toiletries was his spiral notebook. It already had several pages that were filled with stories and doodles, some of which his dad had helped him out with.

Some pages had little conversations between him and others, when he couldn’t speak loud enough or didn’t understand. The latest was between him and a police officer, only minutes after his father’s arrest.

He’d been crying so much he couldn’t understand what the officer was saying. Even if he had, he might have turned his hearing aid off completely so he wouldn’t have to hear it.

Sometimes Landon wished he was deaf in both ears so he wouldn’t have to listen to some of the bullshit he’d heard in his lifetime.

Landon was a lot like his dad.

They both liked to write stories, but his father had stopped after they’d left his mother back in Washington, turning instead to his cultivate his new business. If that’s what he wanted to call it, anyway.

That damn business was the reason he couldn’t have new clothes, or a new hearing aid. They needed as much money as possible for his dad’s ‘very important job’, as he called it.

His dad had been found two weeks ago with illegal drugs that he’d been planning to sell, though he was clean. He’d never liked using the merchandise for himself, after all.

Landon didn’t know how long he’d be locked up, but he hoped it wasn’t long. He just wanted to go home at this point, it was too quiet out here in the country.

The raven-haired male was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by a loud knock, and he was quick to get up and answer, knowing that whoever it was had probably been knocking for a while.

A boy stood on the other side, obviously annoyed and looking to be about his age despite being quite a bit shorter. He looked a lot like Mrs. Harper, though his skin was a bit lighter and his eyes were a lighter brown. His hair, however, was very similar. It was just as unruly as his mother’s, the brown curls falling a little over his ears and eyes. He had very faint freckles as well, barely noticeable in the dim light.

“ you Landon?” The boy asked, his soft southern drawl coming out as he continued, “ dinner’s ready, mom said to come get ya”

Landon nodded, though he really wasn’t fully sure what the other said. He grabbed his notebook and a pen, just in case. He guessed that this was Jesse, judging by his looks.

The dining room and kitchen were connected, but the Harper family had managed to cram two tables into the room, as well as twelve chairs, including one for Landon. He was surprised that there was any spare room at all, really. Everyone was already sitting down, passing the food around and filling their plates. Landon took a seat and filled his plates with what was left over, he wasn’t all that picky. He was stopped, however, by Mrs. Harper suddenly shouting for everyone to settle down. They did immediately, even the youngest of the children going silent.

“ now, who would like to say Grace?” she asked, glancing around the table. Her gaze stopped on Jesse, who had taken the seat next to Landon. He was quick to refuse, and one of the other children called out before Mrs. Harper could chastise him, “ Landon should! He’s the guest!”

The raven heard his name, but he hadn’t been paying attention at all. However, Mrs. Harper just scoffed, “ well, Georgia, since you decided to volunteer Landon, you can do it.”

He was relieved, knowing he wouldn’t be able to even if he wanted to.

The girl pouted a bit, but finally clasped her hands together and told everyone to bow their heads. Landon had never been religious, but he did as he was told. Once Georgia said ‘amen’, the room was loud once again, everyone talking and laughing and fighting over food. Landon began to eat slowly, not wanting to make too much of a mess. The atmosphere was pleasant, despite how loud it was, and he figured he’d eventually warm up to living with these people.

Jesse nudged him, startling the male so much he almost dropped his fork.

“ so, you’re Uncle’s kid?” he asked , studying Landon’s face, “ ya don’t look nothin’ alike. Don’t act nothin’ alike, either”

Landon must have looked confused, because the brunet beside him suddenly set his fork down and began to explain.

The raven attempted to listen, but it was hard with the buzz of his family’s other conversations in the background. So he just smiled and nodded, attempting to read the other’s lips to compensate for the pieces of the conversation he was missing entirely.

“ ya see, mom used to be doin’ drugs and all that, and she was always hangin’ with this guy Jimmy, they had a business sellin’ them too. When she got pregnant with my brother Mason, he told her he’d help her out ‘n’ take over the business and stuff. Said he’d help her quit doin’ drugs, too” He informed, using his hand to gesture as he spoke. He stopped a moment and waited for Landon’s reaction, as if waiting for the other to confirm what he’d said.

The raven-haired male nodded faintly, as if telling him to go on.

So far he’d gotten that Mrs. Harper and his dad used to do business together, but that didn’t explain why she was so different now.

Jesse sighed, taking a moment to squash up his steamed carrots with his fork and take a bite. He seemed to be finished with his story, since he continued to eat in silence.

However, when Landon glanced away to eat his own dinner, the male seemingly began speaking again. The only reason he knew was because the other suddenly tapped on his shoulder, making the raven jump.

He glanced at Jesse, afraid he did something wrong.

“Hey, are you deaf or somethin’? I asked you a question” The brunet spoke a little louder than he had been before, making it easier for Landon to hear what he’d said.

However, it seemed that everyone else at the table had heard it loud and clear as well.

Landon nodded slowly, opening his mouth to speak. However, before he could utter a word, Mrs. Harper suddenly stood up from the table, her chair squeaking against the wooden floor.

She looked absolutely furious.

Landon shrunk under her gaze, averting his eyes as she stood up and stormed over to where he and Jesse sat. She looked like a bull about to charge and Landon wouldn’t be surprised if he saw steam emitting from her ears and nose.

Jesse dropped his fork, already apologizing repeatedly, both to Landon and his mother. Landon watched, wondering silently if she was going to ground him or something. He didn’t really think it necessary, he was used to this kind of reaction, after all. It had made things feel a little more normal, after all.

However, all she did was demand him to come with her, and he better not say a word! Jesse did as he was told, looking ashamed and scared. They headed into the hallway, and Landon couldn’t help but watch the door with a soft frown. He finally turned back to his food, as everyone else already had, and continued to eat.

He was eventually tapped on the shoulder, gentler this time. He turned, glad to see that jesse was back despite what the other said. He knew Jesse couldn’t have known, and besides, the raven had been through stuff much worse because of his disability. This was nothing compared to his days in elementary school.

Jesse held out his hand for the other to shake, looking faintly annoyed that he had to do this. Landon shook, the other nodding in some sort of half-assed apology.

Jesse stared at him for a moment, opening his mouth to question him before closing it again when his mother shot him a look. He began to eat as well, glancing at Landon every now and then, as if scared that he’d be angry about the whole outburst thing.

Landon eventually nudged him and told him that it was fine, that he was only deaf in his right ear and partially in his left.

“ it’s no big deal, really” the male had smiled, knowing full well that he was a lot louder than he intended to be. He’d never been all that great and knowing when his voice was too loud or too soft.

Jesse didn’t even say anything, simply nodding and thanking him with a faint smile.

Landon finished his dinner easily, assuring Mrs. Harper - Bea, as she’d told him to call her - that he was full. All the kids were told to help clean up the mess from dinner, but Jesse suddenly grabbed Landon’s hand and practically dragged him out the front door, shouting that he was going to show him around. He let go of the the raven’s hand once they were out the door, before sauntering across the lawn and plopping down into a hammock.

Landon watched, figuring Jesse was just trying to get out of working at this point.

“ ‘s too dark to for a tour, I just don’t wanna mop” The brunet exclaimed, laughing a bit. He rocked the hammock with his foot, glancing at Landon as he made his way over.

“ I’ll give you a proper tour tomorrow, we can go into town ‘n’ all that”

Landon just nodded, a little relieved that he could hear the other a bit better now. He had turned his hearing aid up a bit after the incident earlier, not wanting to get Jesse in trouble again. He’d much rather spend the day in his room. Hell, if he could have he would spend his dad’s entire sentence up there. Then again, Mrs. Harper didn’t seem like the kind of woman to tolerate that kind of thing.

“ so, you’re from the city, right? We went to New York once, is it anything like that?” Jesse asked, turning his gaze back to the night sky.

That made Landon laugh a bit, shaking his head as he did, “ it’s small!” he exclaimed, “ so much smaller”

Jesse looked quite surprise to hear Landon yelling and laughing like that, but soon enough he was laughing as well. Landon rather liked his laugh, it was soft and kind of stifled, but it was still pleasant.

The two stayed out there for a while, until Jesse was positive that they’d finished cleaning the kitchen. He said something about the lights turning off when they were finished, and it wasn’t until they saw the kitchen light shut off that they actually went inside.

“ I doubt you’ll be able to get a shower after dinner most days. Your best bet is to take one after lunch or in the mornin’ “ The brunet explained, leading the way back into the house.

Landon was a little surprised to see the kitchen look so clean, glad that Jesse had been right. The rest of the family had finished cleaning without them, and were supposedly getting ready for bed.

Jesse walked Landon to the end of the hall, before leaving him at the staircase, “ well, I’ll see ya in the morning. Meet me on the front porch at six, and we’ll go to town after I finish my chores” .

With that, Jesse turned and headed back down the hall and into what Landon guessed was his room, slamming the door loudly behind him.

Landon headed upstairs to his own room, gently shutting the door behind him and locking it.

He sighed, plopping back onto the bed and closing his eyes. He was exhausted.

Between a five hour flight, another hour of driving and a hectic dinner, he hadn’t had a moment to actually relax.

Of course, he had so many unanswered questions.

Would he have to do chores? What if they kicked him out? What if Mrs. Harper suddenly decided she didn’t like him?

His inner questioning was interrupted by a pounding at the door, and he hurried to get up and answer it.

It was Mrs. Harper.

“ I didn’t see you after dinner, was Jesse tryin’ to get outta cleanin’?” she asked, coming into the room with a warm smile.

He stood and nodded a bit, smiling a bit at the sight of her. He rather liked Mrs. Harper, as she had a loud enough voice for him to hear properly, and from the moment he got she’d treated him like her own son. It was nice, even if he did plan on leaving as soon as possible.

She laughed at his nodding, knowing exactly how Jesse acted, “ s’pose it was too dark then. You can get ‘im to take you tomorrow, I’ll make sure he takes ya into town, too”

“ uh..” he was about to speak, but ended up grabbing his notebook and just writing it out. He didn’t want to speak too loudly, knowing he’d wake someone up.

All it said was ‘thanks for letting me stay here. Goodnight Mrs. Harper’

She read it with a smile, starting to close the door, “ Sweet dreams, Landon”

The door closed slow and gentle, the room becoming dim once again. The sun had gone down at this point, and the only light came from the lamp on his desk.

THe raven got ready for bed, curling up in the rickety bed and attempting to get comfortable.

He didn’t turn out the light, the soft orange glow comforting him more than he’d like to admit. The male fell asleep soon after, too exhausted to bother with what side he slept on. It didn’t matter here, he wouldn’t be screamed at to wake up and hide in the middle of the night, and he wouldn’t be shaken awake to help count money.

It didn’t matter here, in the near silent countryside.

The next morning, he was dressed and sitting on the porch by six o’ clock sharp. He hadn’t bothered with breakfast, figuring everyone was too busy to eat anyway. After all, Jesse had described their life as hectic and crazy busy, especially in the morning.

Landon waited for a while before Jesse actually showed up, sweaty and slightly out of breath. He apologized, breathlessly telling him about having to chase goats.

The raven didn’t bother telling him that he couldn’t hear a single word the other had said.

Jesse managed to catch his breath, before standing up straight and instructing Landon to follow him. They headed down the small slope the house was on, and into the driveway, where an old white truck was parked. It was pretty rough looking, dents were all over and it was halfway rusted.

Landon gave Jesse a look that said ‘really?’, bit the other didn’t even seem to notice. He’d already gotten into the driver’s seat, and was currently attempting to start the old vehicle.

Landon got in as well, though he was pretty hesitant. The truck finally sputtered to life, though it sounded like it could stop at any moment.

The raven went to buckle his seatbelt, but there were none. He glanced at Jesse, who assured him he’d drive slow. It seemed like he got a lot of looks like that when someone got into the vehicle.

Jesse pulled out of the driveway, turning up the radio and singing along as they went. For such a raggedy truck, it rode pretty smoothly. As smoothly as possible on a dirt road.

The drive into town was mere minutes long, and soon Landon could see the tiny town he’d passed through on the way to the Harpers’ home.

There was only a few stores, one being a terribly-run down Walmart, a post office, a couple of restaurants and a courthouse. The nearest hospital was about thirty minutes away, in the next town over.

Jesse drove slowly, as he’d promised, pointing out certain restaurants and monuments and explaining them.

“ we sell our goat cheese and crops in that lot over there, but people come to our house and pick them up too” he told Landon, nodding to an empty lot with a couple of tables and chairs.

Landon really didn’t pay attention to a lot of the things he said, mind drifting easily since the other was speaking so quietly.

He silently wondered how his dad was holding up and when they’d be able to see eachother again. Would Mrs. Harper really be willing to take him all the way back to Louisville to visit his dad? She didn’t seem like she had a lot of time to spare just to take him places.

The raven-haired male didn’t like the idea of being apart for so long. It would be the first time in years that they wouldn’t spend his birthday together. Or Christmas. Or any other holidays. What if he graduated before his dad was released?

He didn’t have the money for college, and he couldn’t just live with the Harpers forever. They had their own family to worry about.

Suddenly, there was a hard tap on the male’s arm, making him jump.

Landon whipped his head around to look at Jesse, who had parked and was already halfway out of the truck.

The brunet waited for him to get out, before shutting his own door and starting across the street.

They’d parked on the curb, in an area of the town that Landon apparently hadn’t seen. It was shabbier than the rest of the town, but there was still one store open.

A bakery.

Landon hurried to get out of the truck, jogging across the street to join Jesse, who was waiting for him just outside the door. The raven felt bad about having not heard him, but what could he say, it was on his bad side.

“Hope you’re hungry. I’m payin’ so just pick whatever you want” The curly-haired male smiled, before starting into the bakery. Landon nodded, a little relieved that Jesse wasn’t completely angry with him.

Landon headed inside as well, a bell above the door signaling his arrival. A woman behind the register looked up, watching Landon curiously.

“ well well well, who’s this?” she asked, her gaze making Landon’s cheeks heat up, “ you’re pretty cute. What’s your name?”

Jesse answered for him, “ that’s Landon. His dad’s a family friend and we’re lettin’ him stay with us for a while. He’s too young for ya anyway”

Landon glanced at Jesse, thankful he had answered for him. He had never been good at conversing, especially since he could only hear fragments of their conversation. He strained to listen, letting Jesse do all the talking for him.

“ what? c’mon , Jess, you’re supposed to bring me boys I can actually date” The girl scoffed, giving Jesse a pouting look.

Jesse didn’t even look, too busy studying the menu.

“ you don’t have those chocolate things anymore? The ones filled with cream cheese?” he asked, finally turning to look at her.

The girl just sighed, giving up on her previous conversation too easily, “ nah, Dad said no one buys’em but you. besides, we’re gettin’ something new later this week.”

Jesse scoffed at that, “ what? C’mon, I can’t be the only one! Doesn’t Jack like them too?”

She shrugged, “ I just follow my Dad’s orders, okay? I don’t keep track of who eats what around here”

Jesse finally just seemed to give up, asking her for two chocolate donuts instead. He handed one to Landon and paid, before heading out the door without so much as a goodbye.

“ Jack’s at the riverside, if you were wondering” The girl called, “ you should introduce him and Landon!”

Landon glanced back at her, then to Jesse, only to see the brunet’s cheeks become a bit flushed. He nudged the other, nodding back to the cashier, “ what was that all about?” he questioned, knowing he’d been loud by the way Jesse’s face became an even darker shade of red.

“ Oh, that’s Maria. Her family owns the bakery, and her little brother Jack is a friend of mine” The male explained, looking both ways before he crossed the street, despite the fact that it was practically empty. Landon followed, nibbling gingerly at his donut as he did.

“ guess I gotta introduce ya now, since she’ll probably tell him everything anyway” The male muttered, biting into his donut and holding it in his mouth while he started the truck, needing both hands to do so.

Landon hesitated, before asking in a loud voice what he’d said. He ended up having to repeat himself three times before Landon finally got it.

Landon ate his donut slowly, taking small bites and savoring it. He hadn’t eaten breakfast, so of course he was starving. Jesse’s was gone before the bakery was even out of sight, and Landon really wasn’t surprised. They were pretty good, probably even better than Dunikn’ Donuts’.

Landon couldn’t help but smile to himself when he thought of that, knowing his Dad would be quick to argue against such a claim.

He was suddenly pulled from his thoughts by the truck stopping abruptly and Jesse cursing loudly.

“ Fuck! Jesus, don’t people know how to drive these days!?” The male cursed, running a hand through his hair and obviously trying not to completely freak out.

Landon glanced up, surprised to see that a car had apparently stopped right in front of them.

“ It’s a good thing I was payin’ attention, else we’d be sued or somethin’ “ Jesse muttered, putting the truck in reverse and back up a bit before just turning the vehicle off.

“ C’mon, let’s go meet Jack, he’s probably fishin’ “ He invited, getting out and slamming the door, obviously still a bit peeved about the car situation. Landon did as he was told, joining the male on the sidewalk that led down to the riverside.

The riverside here wasn’t as cleaned up and nice like Louisville’s, there was trash lying everywhere, all along the flood walls and in the grass. There were steps that led down to the water, but the railing was falling apart and the concrete was covered in graffiti. Landon tried to imagine this place being cleaned up, but it didn’t seem like something this town would really care about. After all, they weren’t exactly a tourist hotspot.

Jesse led the way down to the dock, waving to a figure seated at the edge of it. Landon guessed this was Jack, since the figure soon stood and set down his pole, waving with both hands in a goofy manner.

Jesse chuckled, the laugh soon softening into a warm smile.

They soon left the concrete and were on the wooden dock, the old, rotting planks creaking beneath their feet. It made Landon a bit uneasy, but he figured since Jack and Jesse were confident that it’d hold, he’d be alright.

“ Hey man, catch anything good?” Jesse greeted, holding out his hand for the other to shake. Jack did just that, though when their hands touched he pulled Jesse closer, into some kind of half hug.

Landon listened as Jack pulled away from their hug and began to go on excitedly about what kinds of fish were out today and how these were ‘the perfect conditions’ to catch something they called a Bowfin. The redhead before him could have been speaking a foreign language for all Landon knew, talking about amia calva and Etheostoma zonale. The only reason Landon was sure the other was actually speaking english was his accent, the soft southern drawl similar to Maria’s and Jesse’s. He supposed everyone around here had that sort of lilt to their voice, everyone but him, of course.

He guessed it had something to do with fishing, but he couldn’t be sure. Jesse, on the other hand, seemed to be absolutely enthralled by Jack’s words, nodding along and listening to everything he said as if he could understand perfectly.

Neither of them paid any mind to Landon as he sat on the edge of the dock, letting his feet hang over the edge. Water didn’t bother him all that much, he could swim at the least.

The brunet couldn’t help but think Jack was handsome.

He had full cheeks and large, awestruck eyes, his long eyelashes only contributing to that innocent, soft look he had. His nose was rather thin, the tip sloping down just a bit. His lips were thin, but it may have just been the fact that he had been smiling the entire three minutes Landon had looked at him. His hair was shorter than both Landon’s and Jesse’s his red locks cropped short around his forehead and ears especially. It made his ears look a bit bigger, but that only made him look more pixie-like.

Landon admired him from his place on the dock, surprised when said male suddenly glanced at him, grinning still.

“sorry, I didn't catch your name. I'm Jack Faustas, nice to meet you” he greeted, speaking to Landon with just as much energy as he had been with Jesse. Thank goodness, he was just as loud as Mrs. Harper.

He stuck his hand out to shake, and Landon did just that, nodding faintly and glancing at Jesse.

The brunet didn't even notice at first, seemingly too busy gazing over Jack’s head at the water. Though at this point, Landon wouldn't be surprised if he was staring at Jack like that.

“Jesse, c’mon, introduce me to your friend here. I haven't seen him around” he mused, letting go of Landon’s hand to turn and speak to Jesse again. The male blinked in surprise, glancing at Landon and then back at Jack.

“Oh, right. That’s Landon, he’s pretty hard of hearin’, so don’t speak too quietly or he’ll keep o askin’ what you said. He’s stayin’ with us for a while” the male answered hastily, obviously more interested in their conversation from before than introducing Landon. He did chuckle a bit when he mentioned having to repeat himself, but Landon definitely wasn’t smiling. He frowned, but didn’t turn away, waiting for Jack’s reaction.

Jack glanced at him, “so you’re kinda deaf? Don’t worry, I’ll repeat it as many times as ya need, my grandma is gettin’ to be that way!”

“ Don’t worry,” Landon insisted, smiling faintly, “you’ve got a nice, loud voice”

“Gee, thanks!” Jack laughed, making Landon laugh a little as well, “ I’m usually told to shut the hell up!”

“ so, where you from? ” Jack questioned, sitting down cross-legged next to Landon. Jesse did the same, though he seemed a little annoyed that the conversation had shifted more towards Landon.

“ Louisville” Landon replied, playing with the sleeve of his shirt, “I lived with my dad”

“ wow, why’d you move here? You’re livin’ with Jesse or somethin’, right?” The redhead asked, glancing back at his friend to confirm it. Said male didn’t speak, simply nodding and focusing more on playing with the fishing lure he’d picked up moments before.

Landon frowned at that, shaking his head. He didn’t wanna talk about it.

Jack didn’t seem to mind, still smiling, “ you don’t gotta tell me, just curious.” He turned back to Jesse, asking him if he had his phone and if he could see it.

“ yeah, sure ” Jesse didn’t even hesitate, pulling his phone from his pocket and handing it to his friend, “ you gotta call your dad or somethin’?” he asked, glancing at Jack.

“ no, just didn’t want it to get messed up ” the redhead mused, setting the phone in Landon’s lap and suddenly pushing Jesse into the water, before jumping in after him.

Landon watched, gasping loudly. At first, he thought they weren’t coming back up, but then a couple of bubbles rose to the surface and the both of them emerged, Jack laughing as Jesse suddenly began to chase him around the river’s mucky water.

The brunet on the dock grinned, laughing as he watched Jesse chase the other in mock anger, the two of them getting water all over Landon as well.

They swam for a bit longer, before the both of them finally decided it was time they get out of their wet clothes.

“ Hell, maybe we could even get our suits and go swimmin’!” Jesse decided, grabbing Jack’s hand and starting to pull him up the dock, “ how ‘bout it? I brought my truck!”

Landon got up and followed, though he didn’t exactly plan on going swimming. He couldn’t, anyway, he didn’t know how.

Jack stopped, glancing back at Landon. He turned back to Jesse and said something Landon didn’t quite catch.

Jesse looked upset for a moment, but it was replaced with a smile. They stopped, and landon caught up, just knowing they were talking about it him. Jack probably didn’t want to hang out with someone he’d just met. He knew Jesse didn’t want to, he was obviously possessive of his friend.

However, Jesse just smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him a bit, “Landon, you brought a swimsuit, didn’t you?we were thinkin’ of going swimming, if you’re up for it, we could even jump off of Devil’s cliff”

He shook his head a bit, “ no...I-I’d rather just watch, I didn’t even bring a swimsuit”

Jesse sighed, shrugging and moving away, “that’s cool, it’s gonna get pretty hot though. You could always stay home if you wanna”

Jack had stopped as well, giving Jesse a look like ‘stop saying shit like that’.

The brunet immediately took his first statement back, telling Landon he could still come, whether he swam or not.

“No, that’s alright,” Landon assured, playing mindlessly with his hands, “ I’ve got summer homework to catch up on anyway, it’s fine”

The three walked back to Jesse’s truck, and Landon ended up sitting in the middle since he was the thinnest. Jesse and Jack talked over his head as they drove, laughing and carrying on about one thing or another. Landon couldn’t help but feel a bit isolated. He couldn’t even hear what Jack was saying, and he was sure Jesse wasn’t going to bother telling him anytime soon.

The drive back to the Harper’s home felt so incredibly slow that he thought he’d get car sick, the usual anxieties bubbling up inside of him.

They all got out when the truck finally rolled into the Harper’s driveway, Jesse leading the way into the house. He led Jack to his room, but Landon went upstairs to his own room, closing the door and immediately collapsing onto the bed. He couldn’t believe himself, telling them he had homework! Of course he didn’t, it was the middle of July. Even if he did, he probably wasn’t going to get to go back to Louisville anytime soon.

He eventually rolled over onto his left side, letting the silence take hold of him. He needed it right now, his mind too cloudy for him to really relax.

It took Landon nearly an hour to fall asleep and even then it wasn’t very relaxing.

But he needed this.

He needed to dream that he was home again.

Chapter 2(?)

Landon was later woken by one of the younger Harper kids, who he later learned was a boy named Max. It took him a couple of weeks, but he soon memorized everyone’s name and face.

He spent lot of time in his room, but sometimes he could be caught following Jack and Jesse around town, or reading one of his stories to the kids of the household.

He was doing just that one evening, the lot of them sitting round him in a circle as he read aloud from his journal. He’d already told them this one before, but planned on changing the ending.

“ And then the king, he jumped off of his white stallion and said to the wizard, ‘begone, you old quack!’ and then the wizard turned him right into a frog!” The raven exclaimed, grinning as the children around him laughed. He’d somehow managed to settle into a life here, with everyone accepting him and how loud he was easily.

Mrs. Harper told him all the time that he shouldn’t worry about it, after all, they were the ‘ loudest household this side of the ohio river ’. That always made him laugh.

“How come you never talk this much ‘round me ’n’ Jesse ?” Jack asked, coming up next to Landon with a grin. He didn’t know when the redhead had gotten her, but he hoped that he hadn’t heard too much of the story. After all, he never really spoke around Jack or Jesse. He’d sort of..learned his place as the third wheel.

After that first day out with Jesse, Landon began to easily notice how Jesse spoke to Jack or about him. How he looked at the taller male with this amazing expression. Like Jack could never do him wrong.

Landon was afraid to say it was love, but there really was no other explanation. Of course, he wouldn’t dare ask Jesse, knowing the other might punch him or something. He’d seen the farm boy beat a guy up just for making fun of him, who knows what he’d do if Landon questioned him.

The raven shrugged faintly, now at a loss for words that Jack was here.

His cheeks were faintly flushed by now, since Jack was so close.

Oh, that was right.

Landon only figured Jesse was in love with Jack because Landon might’ve been himself.

He’d never really shown an interest in anyone, much less another boy, but he knew the signs of a crush. Quick heartbeat. Sweaty palms. The way he’d feel when Jack looked at him. God, he’d fallen hard.

At first he’d thought it was some sort of anxiety thing again, but when he reviewed his last few weeks here at the Harper’s, he could really tell.

“Guess I thought you and Jesse wouldn’t like them…” he finally murmured, glancing away. He couldn’t look, knowing that even his ears were red at this point, “ uh...y-you can read it if you want”

Jack just stared, eyeing the book for a minute before even acknowledging the question.

For a moment he thought Jack hadn’t heard him, he’d been practicing keeping his voice quiet, but was that too low? Should he ask again?

“ sorry, Landon, but I’ve gotta get home. Dad’ll kill me if I miss my shift again” he seemed to get up in a hurry,a nervous smile on his face, “ but-uh- I think Jesse’ll really like it! He’s in his room, you should ask. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

He was soon on his way out the door, leaving Landon sitting cross-legged in the living room, alone. The kids had fled after Jack had sat down, already fighting over one thing or another.

He sighed, shutting his journal and getting up before heading down the hall and to Jesse’s room. He’d really never been in there, nor did he ever really speak to Jesse unless he was asked a question. He’d thought they’d be at least...sort-of friends when they first met, but Landon had tried a lot of things to get Jesse to actually want to talk to him and nothing had really worked.

Maybe jack’s suggestion would actually go well, but he doubted it.

He hesitated, but finally knocked sharply on Jesse’s bedroom door, waiting patienly for the knob to turn or even just jiggle a bit.

He ended up knocking three times before the other finally answered, in his pajamas and sock feet.

“ what? I’m real busy sleepin’ you know…” he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Landon. The raven smiled nervously and tried to avoid his eyes. Yeah, this was pretty normal between them. Even when Mrs. Harper asked how he and Jesse were getting along, he told her it was just fine. And it sort of was. As long as Landon didn’t continue to bother the other, this could be fine.

“ Uh...Jack said you might wanna read my story... he said you like that sort of thing..” he greeted, holding up his notebook.

Jesse seemed to hesitate at first, but moved to open the door fully, “come in…”

He obviously didn’t really want Landon in his room, but said male guessed his mother had gotten onto him or something. Then again, she thought the two of them were a lot closer than they actually were.

“Lemme see. You can sit on the bed if you wanna” He took the notebook a little too forcefully, but Landon didn’t stop him, only telling him what page the latest story started on. He took a seat on the bed and glanced around, surprised the other had let him in at all.

It was a bit smaller than Landon’s room, but it also had more furniture. Jesse had a crappy tv sitting on a small dresser on one side of the room, his bed against the other. Navy blue curtains were drawn to cover the window, though Landon was beginning to wonder if there was a window in the first place, considering how dark it was. It smelled pretty bad too, the tiny trash can by Jesse’s window filled to the brim with food and trash of all sorts. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was a mouse or a cockroach lurking around somewhere.

The bed was an absolute mess. It didn’t have sheets or even a blanket, just a couple of pillows and a pair of jeans that looked like they’d been through hell and back.

Jesse also had something Landon didn’t; an actual closet. Of course, the door was open and the contents were spilling everywhere but at least he had one. Jesse himself was sitting on a beanbag chair by the tv, reading through Landon’s notebook without so much as a smile on his face.

He finished far before Landon would have thought he would, and tossed the notebook across the room back to the other, frowning faintly.

It was silent for a moment before Landon finally spoke, “ well?”

“ well, what?” Jesse scoffed, “ it wasn’t nothin’ special. Don’t know why Jack liked it so much, it’s not really his style”

“What’s his style, then?” the raven asked, watching Jesse curiously, “ since you know him so well and all that”

Jesse became pink at that, “well he likes...sports’ n ‘ stuff...like soccer..of course i know what he likes...we’re best friends..”

He just looked sad after that and Landon was worried he might actually cry or something. The raven frowned faintly, “ what’s wrong?”

Jesse didn’t answer for the longest time, just kind of mindlessly playing with his hands and thinking.

“ is it cause you like him?” Landon asked, knowing he overstepped his bounds. But he couldn’t just let this kind of thing go, “ did you tell him?

“ of course I didn’t tell him!” Jesse exclaimed, turning back to Landon angrily, “ we had a fight, dumbass! A-and I don’t like him, okay? Who the hell even told you that?”

Landon just shrugged, not really phased by Jesse’s shouting like he used to be“ I sort of figured it out for myself. You’re always looking at him and listening to whatever he says. It’s pretty obvious”

“ Just shut the hell up, lefty. Get outta my room!” He turned away from the door, not even watching as Landon got up and left, slamming the door behind him. He didn’t even care if it pissed Jesse off, he was pretty pissed himself. After all, he had finally gotten away from being called ‘ lefty ‘ and now it was back? Jesse could be such an ass, he really couldn’t believe that guy had said such a thing.

The raven walked out after that, knowing he didn’t need to get all worked up over something little like this. He had more important things to worry about.

He headed out the door and into the front yard, taking refuge in the hammock Jesse’s older brother Mason had set up earlier that summer. He curled up inside of it like some kind of cocoon, already scribbling angrily i his journal. It wasn’t even words, just ugly, ugly scribbles.

Landon had become so comfortable here. He had his own chores. He felt like he was a part of the family. He didn’t have to be shy anymore. The raven didn’t like this, of course, since he also got mad at people more often when he was comfortable with them. Hell, he and one of the younger kids had even had an argument already. Mrs. Harper took his side, if only because he was the guest. It really isn’t all that great to get comfortable in a home you’re not meant to be in the first place.

The scribbling and fuming continued for a little over ten minutes before Landon finally cooled down a bit. He eventually set the notebook down on the ground beside him and just relaxed, letting the gentle breeze calm him.

That was right, he reminded himself, he shouldn’t have gotten so mad. Especially after saying something like that to Jesse. The other hadn’t been all that hospitable, but it still wasn’t his place to suddenly claim that Jesse was gay. Besides, what if he was wrong? Maybe Jesse really did just admire his friend a whole lot.

WIth enough rational thinking, maybe Landon could fix things. As long as he thought things through he’d be alright.

After all, his dad’s motto had always been something like ‘you don’t succeed just by working. You have to think about it’

Of course, it wasn’t like his dad was the best role model, but still. He was better than nothing.

Landon eventually began writing again, starting another story. It always made him feel better, writing about things that didn’t exist or couldn’t exist. It was nice to think that there were realities where he could do whatever he wanted. He could be anyone, say anything. Hell, there was probably a reality out there where he could hear everything. Sure, he’d managed to live this long without being able to hear much, but he knew there was so much more that he could do if he could just hear.

Like just a moment after that, when someone suddenly pushed the hammock a little too roughly and the brunet was promptly dropped to the ground. It only hurt a little, but that didn’t stop him from immediately turning to the culprit and shooting them a glare.

It was one of the preteen twins, either Dahlia or Amanda. He still couldn’t quite tell them apart.

“Woah, sorry Landon, I thought you were Jesse. That jerk still owes me twelve dollars’n’ I’m gonna hold him to it”

She left without even asking if he was alright or anything. He didn’t care, her actions told him who it was. Out of all the younger kids, the most well-behaved had to be Dahlia. Unlike Amanda and all her other siblings, the ravenette was quiet and would keep to herself. Landon didn’t actually have to talk to her to enjoy her company and vice versa. That said, they still didn’t hang out a lot. She would always choose hanging out with her friends in town over sitting in the living room with him and reading.

Landon didn’t bother with the hammock again, deciding he could be doing something productive rather than writing. Maybe he could try and pull weeds again, or offer to the dishes. He’s been put on the chore chart, but he only had one or two chores. He didn’t mind helping out, it was the least he could do. After all, the Harpers weren’t really gaining anything from him being here.

The brunet headed inside and put his notebook up, before searching the house for Mrs. harper.

He asked if there was anything he could do to help out, but she assured him it was fine. He ended up sweeping the kitchen, but he wouldn’t tell her that he’d done it. It would be nice to see Jesse sweep it again after dinner, kind of like a miniature-payback for being kind of a jerk earlier.

Besides, it gave him time to think. He had begun devising a plan the moment he’d arrived at the Harper family farm, but he’d gotten off track what with all the chores and having to tag along with Jesse when he went into town, not to mention trying to figure said male out.

Just days after his dad’s arrest, Landon had figured out that with enough money, his dad could be out of jail in no time. Bail money.

He realized, of course, what a crazy idea that was for someone like him, with no money, job, or even his own room. Where the hell was he supposed to be getting this money, anyway? He considered a fund-raiser, but he had nothing to sell. It wasn’t like he could bake, either, so even a bake sale would be a bust. He certainly couldn’t ask Mrs. Harper for money, she’d been way too nice to him for that. Not to mention it was almost like she didn’t want his dad out of jail at all. He couldn’t imagine why, they were friends, weren’t they? Even if she had given up the life of selling drugs, she’d been close enough with his dad to take him in while he was in jail. She wasn’t rude to Landon either, despite the rough circumstances.

He didn’t bother asking, knowing she’d either lie or simply not tell him. She wasn’t secretive like that, but he knew the idea of bail money should be kept between himself and his notebook. Maybe even Jack, if they ever got the time to talk alone. It was unlikely, since jack was always rushing off to work and Jesse was with him every other time.

He couldn’t have Jesse knowing either, since the other might tell Mrs. Harper and try to make a big deal out of it. He just knew Jesse hated him enough to do that, especially after today’s incident. It would be the perfect payback, wouldn’t it?

Little did he know, Jesse was quite the sneaky male. He’d already planned the perfect payback, and the dismissal of Landon from his room was only the beginning.

Chapter3

It wasn’t that he was angry at Landon that particular day, it was more like he was angry at how Landon’s appearance had shaken everything up. Even Jack was beginning to like him just as much as he liked Jesse. Landon was like some sort of replacement, except everyone liked him more and treated him like he was something special. Not to mention how much better he was at nearly everything.

In the past month, Landon had shown Jesse up at almost everything. He was better at doing the chores, better at dealing with kids. Hell, Landon probably had perfect test scores too.

The only thing Jesse bested him at was soccer. The other didn’t even know how to play, he’d never even played a sport before.

Talk about sheltered.

Jesse’s mama had ended up making him teach the raven how to play, but Landon still sucked. He claimed he couldn’t hear the other well enough, but sometimes Jesse wondered if he was faking it or not. After all, he talked fine now, he had even managed to control his voice volume. Jesse had yet to call him out on it though, knowing his mama would slap him upside the head if she heard anything like that.

Jesse had a plan, though, knowing if he could just catch Landon in the act, it would be the other’s downfall. However, it just hadn’t happened yet. Landon was either too sneaky or an amazing actor. He didn’t know which would be worse.

So, that’s why Jesse had lied, and why he was now crouched behind one of his mother’s huge flowerpots, peeking through the leaves at Landon. He was writing in that little journal of his, Jack sitting next to him and reading as he wrote.

He was sure that Landon trusted Jack more than anyone else, especially since Jack was so understanding. The brunet moved a bit closer as the two began to talk, straining to hear their conversation. He didn’t like how close they were sitting, or the way Jack’s hand brushed Landon’s when he pointed something out in the journal. He’d rather get this over sooner or later so he could put an end to this.

It was true, after all, what Landon had said. He really did like Jack and it was definitely ‘more than just friendship’. His mother didn’t know, no one knew, so he was pretty surprised when Landon so easily guessed the truth. That guy was going to mess this all up if he told either Jack or his mama. He’d be ruined. His life would be ruined.

They talked for a bit about Landon’s story and occasionally laughed at some joke the other said, the both of them having too much fun for Jesse’s liking. He was about to give up when he heard it, the words that would turn this all around for him.

“Listen, you can’t tell anyone what i’m about to tell you, alright?” Landon warned, voice softer than usual. It was an obvious attempt at whispering, but he wasn’t doing all that great. Jesse leaned in closer, nearly visible by now.

Jack hesitated at first, then nodded, promising softly that he wouldn’t say a word.

“ I’m going to bail my father out of jail,” Landon continued, scribbling in a corner of his sketchbook as if to distract himself, “I don’t have the money yet, but I’m going to save up enough money in secret, then I’ll run away and bail him out myself. I can’t keep living here, Jack..”

Oh, that was good.

That was by far the stupidest thing Jesse had learned today, and he’d heard a lot of stupid shit from his siblings that morning already. But this was even better, especially seeing the way that Jack frowned uneasily in response to what Landon had said.

“ I’m not sure that’ s a good idea. Besides, Bea is taking great care of you, isn’t she? You said she was the nicest woman you’ve met!”

“And I still think so,” Landon retorted, sighing, “I just don’t want to cause her more trouble than I already have just being here. I can’t stay here and have her pay my college tuition, she’s already got so many other kids to take care of, too. She shouldn’t waste her time with me”

Jack just shook his head, standing and patting Landon on the shoulder, “you know she doesn’t think you’re a burden. Just think about it, okay? Besides, I’d like it if you stayed here…”

He gave Landon’s shoulder a little squeeze and smiled at him, before starting away, “ I’ll see you later. Jess and I are going to play a soccer match with some school friends if you wanna come”

“Thanks, but I’m good” Landon assured, smiling warmly as the redhead walked back into the house. His cheeks were a bit flushed, but Jesse was already gone, running around the house in an effort to get to his room before Jack could. He couldn’t know Jesse was eavesdropping, he’d be pissed.

The brunet made it back into his room just in time. Luckily, Jack had stopped to talk to one of his younger siblings, making it easy for Jesse to slip past him and get to his room.

He was sweaty and panting, but was sure Jack wouldn’t really notice. Said male knocked on the open door, grinning at Jesse.

“Hey, sorry I’m late, my dad made me stay a little late at the bakery, someone puked on the front step” He laughed, taking a seat on the bed next to the other, “you ready to go?”

Jesse returned his smile, trying not to make it obvious that he knew Jack was lying. He stood, “yeah, let’s go. We’re already pretty late..”

The two made their way back out to Jesse’s truck and soon left, Jack showing know signs that he knew a secret or even knew that Jesse had been spying on him. Said male still didn’t know what he’d do with this information, but he knew something like this could get Landon either kicked out or shunned.

He wouldn’t mind if it was both, really.

Jesse’s other friends were a little more rough around the edges than Jack. They didn’t care for Landon either, but their reasons were a bit different. They only thought he was a bad guy because of all the things Jesse had said, so he’d never introduced them to the guy. After all, he wouldn’t have anyone on his side if they really met him.

The game itself went pretty well, Jesse and Jack’s team winning with ease. However, he really hadn’t thought out his plan well, because the other two males began questioning Jack about Landon.

The three of them were sitting in the grass, huffing and puffing and just trying to catch their breaths when his friend Alex brought it up.

“ so, have you met that bastard that Jesse’s been tellin’ us about?” Alex asked, blowing his blond bangs out of his eyes, “He sounds like a real douche, I’d totally fight ‘im if we ever met”

Jesse was quick to intervene, laughing nervously, “ you mean that guy Brent? Don’t worry, he moved away, you’ll never have to meet him! Jack hasn’t met him…”

Of course, even Jesse couldn’t stop them from talking about it.

“What makes him to terrible? He didn’t hit you or nothin’, right?” Jack asked, glancing at Jesse with a frown. He didn’t like it when the male got into fights and he’d scold him terribly if he thought the brunet had even argued with anyone.

“ nah, Jess said he was a weakling! He’s a liar too, he’s even tricked this guy’s entire family” The blond continued, laughing a bit, “said he might even rob’em or somethin’!”

Before Jesse could try and rebuke such a thing, his other friend Emmet suddenly clapped him on the shoulder, sipping the drink he’d gotten at a nearby vending machine, “ you all talkin’ about that asshole that’s stealin’ your life? What was his name again?”

“ Brent. His name’s Brent, but he moved away..” Jesse assured, glancing at Jack. The redhead looked suspicious and Jesse knew he was putting it all together in his head. He had to do something quick, before he figured it out.

“C’mon now, I never said he was stealin’ my life. More like he looks enough like a thug that he’d steal all our stuff. He’s more of a stalker, really, he was always followin’ me around’n’ tryin’ to ask me out’n stuff” He explained, twisting the story a bit so Jack didn’t catch on.

“Really, Jess? This faggot’s been followin’ you for what, a month now? You shoulda just punched him before he left or somethin’, let him know who’s boss!” The blond boy scoffed, standing, “ If he comes ‘round again, you should call us up, we’ll fight your fights if we gotta!”

Both he and Emmet headed for Emmet’s truck, wishing Jesse good luck and promising that they’d get ‘Brent’ next time. Thank God they were idiots, he thought, they could have messed everything up way too easily.

Of course, Jack was still suspicious. He wasn’t thrown off the scent too easily.

“How come I’ve never seen this guy?” he asked, frowning and putting a hand on Jesse’s shoulder, “ is he really stalkin’ you? What makes you think he wants to steal your life?”

Jesse shrugged, “ who knows. It’s over now, he moved back to the city a couple of days ago. I really only saw him once, but i know he was followin’ me”

Another blatant lie. He didn’t like lying to Jack, but this was another of those times where he had to.

The redhead just shook his head, grabbing the other’s arm and helping him up, “think you can drop me off at home? Dad’s wantin’ me to meet his new girlfriend’n’ I need to at least try’n’ look nice”

He smiled a bit, but Jesse just sighed, “ how long are you gonna pretend you’re okay with all this? I’d be havin’ a fit if my Momma did somethin’ like that….”

Jack’s mother had died nearly two years ago, but his dad had sure moved on quick. He was always dating younger women, though it never lasted. Jesse knew how much Jack hated it, but the other insisted on keeping it to himself.

He would always greet the girlfriends with a smile, even if he’d just end up calling Jesse ad asking him to come over so he didn’t have to be alone. Those were rough nights, but Jesse would do anything for him. He was in love with the other after all.

Jack didn’t say anything, just shaking his head and getting into Jesse’s truck. Jesse got in as well and started the vehicle before pulling away from the soccer field and heading towards downtown.

“Just promise you’ll call me later, alright? I’ll bring our emergency granola bars if it’s before dinner” He chuckled, nudging the redhead playfully. He could see Jack smile at that out of the corner his eyes, and smiled as well, just glad he could be of use to his friend. He knew that even if Jack found out how much he hated Landon, he’d still be there for him.

CHAPTER FOUR

Even after telling Jack everything, Landon still felt guilty. Like he was keeping some sort of terrible secret. The other had given him some options for raising money, but they wouldn’t be quick enough or get him enough money. HIs own options were awful.

He wrote them in his notebook, but that only made him feel worse.

1. Sell everything in my room

2.write stories and sell those

3.get a job in town

4.steal it

He hated it, he really did, but the truth was that the only thing that could get him money fast and with minimal effort would be stealing it. Over the past few weeks he’d gathered his courage and began stealing little things. Pennies and dimes he found in the couch cushions or on the floor. Of course, he still had no money, since he would immediately take it to mrs. Harper and apologize. She assured him it was alright, but he ended up putting it in the ‘rainy day jar’ they’d set up on a table in the hall. It made him feel a bit better, imagining that money going towards their Christmas or something.

Of course, the idea still lingered. Even if he did steal the money, it’d have to be from somewhere with lots of it, enough they wouldn’t notice. Plus he would have to be sneaky, so it would have to be somewhere with a shitty security system. There were only a couple of places like that around here, and Jack’s bakery was one of them. He definitely couldn’t steal from them.

He’d realized, just days after talking to Jack about the matter, that he also had feelings for him. Just like Jesse. He’d never really speculated on his sexuality, nor had he cared. The brunet was too busy to even think about dating anyone, plus he’d sort of been a social outcast at his school. He’d never really liked anyone before, his dad had never given him the talk. Or any talk about relationships for that matter.

They only talked about the things that were important.

Money and stories.

That was all they needed back when it was just them. When they had just left his mother behind and moved into their crappy apartment, that was all they had to worry about. His dad had been writing a novel when they arrested him. Landon could only wonder if after all that he was still writing. Maybe he would even write Landon a letter or something one day.

He could only hope.

The male shut his journal and tossed it at the end of his bed. He didn’t want to think about the list. Not right now, anyway.

He knew he’d have to do something to get the money, but it was hard. There was only one other person he trusted to help, but if he hurt Jack like that...Jesse might actually kill him. That or the guilt, whichever came first.

Landon sighed, running a hand through his hair. What was he going to do? He didn’t mind living here, but he couldn’t help but want to be home. In his own apartment. In his own bed. If it was even still there for him to sleep in. He doubted that their landlady actually kept the apartment closed for them, she was greedy enough to auction off all their stuff without so much as an email. He had to get his dad back before it was too late. Their books were there. His journals. Those stupid family photo albums were still there, he knew how much his dad liked those photos. They reminded him of when Mom wasn’t completely crazy.

The male finally got up and changed into his pajamas, deciding on a plain white t shirt and a pair of fuzzy pajama pants his dad had gotten him as a joke for Christmas. It was only 7:30, but Landon was honestly too anxious to stay up much longer. The guilt from even thinking about stealing from the Harpers made him feel nauseous, but sleeping would definitely make him feel better.

He curled up in bed and turned out the light, but less than fifteen minutes later was jolted awake by someone shaking him roughly.

He pushed them away and sat up in a panic, not sure what to think. Oh. It was just Jesse.

“ Jesse, what the hell?” he muttered, sitting up and putting his hearing aid in so he could actually understand what the other was saying.

“ just hurry up. Get your shoes on, we’ve gotta get there before it’s too late” Jesse retorted, obviously terrified. He was panting, his cell phone gripped tight in his left hand, as if he’d just immediately run to Landon’s room. “ Jack’s in trouble, okay? I’m gonna need backup”

The color drained from Landon’ face and he was quick to get his shoes on and follow the brunet down the stairs and out the door to his truck. It didn’t start right away, but Jesse finally managed to get it running and he sped out of the driveway before Landon could even register what was going on.

“ what’s wrong with Jack? Why do we need to go help him?” he questioned, but Jesse didn’t answer, driving in concentrated silence. Why would he even bring Landon? THe raven knew the other didn’t like him, he especially didn’t like how close Jack and Landon were getting. Jesse tried to hide it, but his facial expressions gave him away, just like when he looked at Jack. He was constantly glaring at Landon or looking like he wished he could push him off a cliff. Well, maybe not something that dramatic, but something close to it.

They arrived at the bakery sooner than Landon thought they would. Jack was waiting outside, wearing a nice suit but looking way too pale and disheveled. Jesse got out and told Landon to scoot over, before leading Jack to the truck with the most gentle expression Landon had ever seen.

Jack got in next to Landon, but didn’t greet him. He didn’t even look at him, resting his head on the window without a word.

Jesse got in and zoomed off towards the river, reaching across Landon to tap Jack, “ what happened? What’s wrong?”

The redhead didn’t respond until Jesse parked on the side of the road , ready to go down to the dock for who knows what.

“...we had a fight…..Dad, he..he was talkin’ about marryin’ her and I started to argue with him’n’ i ran to my room….I climbed out the window, but i was afraid he’d do somethin’ crazy..” He murmured, voice shaking, “ He looked pissed, I thought he was gonna punch me right there…”

Jesse and Jack both got out, but Landon wasn’t sure if he should. He wasn’t even sure what was going on, what Jack was talking about. He knew next to nothing about Jack’s family, only knowing that they owned the bakery and that his dad was the boss.

The two left for the dock and Landon finally got out, following at a distance. He really shouldn’t be here. This….it wasn’t really his business, he knew, but what was he supposed to do? Just wait in the truck the whole night? Besides, Jesse had brought him for a reason, hadn’t he? He knew the other was in love with Jack, but maybe he needed help comforting him.

nO, that couldn’t have been it.

Landon gave up on trying to figure it out, settling down with the other two at the end of the dock like they had the first time Lando had come here.

It was silent for a while, spare for the croak of frogs in the night and soft buzz of the last of the summer bugs, all preparing to leave once fall rolled around.

Finally, after nearly half an hour, Jack spoke.

“ I’m….really glad you’re both here…..it means a lot, thanks..” he murmured, smiling faintly up at jesse, then at Landon. Jesse smiled warmly at his words, gently patting the redhead’s shoulder, “you know I’ll always be there for you. Wanna head to my place for food and relaxation?”

The redhead nodded a bit at that, “sure. Maybe Landon could join us this time?”

Jesse hesitated, glancing at Landon with a faint frown. The raven felt himself flush, but didn’t say anything, glancing between Jack and Jesse nervously. He definitely didn’t want to hang out with Jesse, but he supposed if jack was there it wouldn’t be terrible. After all, said male was something of a mediator for them.

Jesse finally caved, nodding, “sure, i don’t see why he can’t. We’d better get goin’, Mama will be pissed if she knew I was drivin’ round town this late”

The three got up to leave, Landon still allowing himself to lag behind a bit. He couldn’t imagine this miniature sleepover going all that well, but he supposed he could try to enjoy it. It was all for Jack’s sake, after all.

The three did get yelled at by Bea, but she softened a little when Jesse told her what had happened. She even made them all some snacks and told them they could stay up late if they wanted. It seemed kind of childish, but Landon didn’t mind. He hadn’t had a sleepover of any kind before, so the special treatment was kind of nice.

The three of them headed to Jesse’s room, but Landon ended up going upstairs to get his pillow and notebook. He ended up tearing the page with his little ‘money list’ out, crumpling it up and throwing it away in a spur of the moment decision. He didn’t want either of them to read it, but he knew he’d need his notebook at some point.

He headed back downstairs, hearing the two others laughing like crazy when he went to open it. He couldn’t back down, though, Jack had asked him to stay.

THe raven entered with a faint smile, shutting the door behind him a bit nervously. The two of them were playing a video game on the Harpers’ old wii, the both of them claiming they’d win by a landslide and just...laughing. Already Landon felt like some kind of intruder, but he didn’t leave, simply sitting on Jesse’s bed with his notebook and pillow in his lap, just watching the two of them play for a while. He didn’t mind, it’d been so long since he’d played a game like that, he was sjure he’d lose easily. However, after nearly an hour of Jesse and Jack battling to the death, Jack tossed the controller to Landon.

“ you know how to play Mario Kart, right? “ He asked, sitting on the bed and nudging landon towards the empty bean bag chair beside Jesse, “ I bet you could beat ‘im. I’m all tuckered out, I never win”

Landon nodded a bit, setting his stuff down and taking a seat next to Jesse. SAid male gave him a dirty look, but said nothing. He obviously intended to beat Landon and make himself look better to Jack, but Landon had the same idea. He may have been a bit rusty, but that wouldn’t stop him from winning. Afterall, he easily beat a grown man all the time, why would this be any different?

He ended up losing the first two races in eighth place. Embarrassing.

However, by the last few races Landon got it together and ended up winning the rest of them easily, with Jesse just behind him in second and third. Said brunet was absolutely pissed, but he hid it just as easily as he hid his other emotions. That is to say, he really wasn’t doing a great jb keeping his anger contained. He was red in the face and trembling, gripping the controller way too tightly. Jack didn’t notice, cheering and giving Landon a high five for ‘defeating the king’.

“ What do ya think of that, Jess? The newbie beat you more than once, five times, even!” The redhead laughed, clapping Jesse on the back. Landon was sure the brunet would shout at the both of them, but he only turned to look at Jesse sheepishly, “ I didn’t think I’d be givin’ up my title to this bastard”

He punched Landon teasignly in the shoulder, laughing along with Jack now, though it was a little forced. Oh God, this guy was definitely pissed.

“ Oh, uh, you can keep your title, “ he assured, nervous now that Jesse was angry with him, “ I only one those few rounds, it was probably just luck”

“ nuh-uh, no one’s ever beat Jess, not even Bea or his brother Mason. I can’t imagine how much you’d have to play to be as good as this guy” Jack retorted, “ that’ why his grades are so bad, cuz he plays video games instead of studyin’”

“ why you-” Jesse turned at that, pulling Jack off the bed and attempting to pin him to the ground as if they were pro wrestlers or something. Landon couldn’t help but laugh a bit, but he was more relieved that the attention was drawn away from the whole ‘Jesse lost’ thing. He was a little afraid to see what Jesse might have done if Jack kept going on about how he’d won.

They continued to joke around and play games, though Landon said he was tired and just sat on the bed and watched for the rest of the night. They finally decided to go to sleep around one am, but Jesse and Landon were still up, the silence between them far too heavy.

Landon had opted for the floor, though he knew he’d be sore in the morning.He just couldn’t accept having to sleep in the same bed as Jesse, and he knew the brunet was going to keep him and Jack as far apart as possible.

“ You still up, too, huh?” Jesse muttered, rolling over and looking at Landon through the darkness. His curtain was open a sliver, so the light of the moon peeked through a bit. Though it was dim, it lit up Landon’s face easily, but he couldn’t see Jesse as well from where he was, both the fact that his vantage point was too low and the moonlight didn’t quite reach the bed, leaving Jesse in the shadows.

It was silent for a moment, save for Jack’s soft snores from the other side of the bed. He was fast asleep, and apparently a deep sleeper.

“ Isn’t there some other relative of yours you can go live with? What about your mom or an aunt or uncle or something? Grandparents?” He asked, the words making Landon frown, “ Neither of us wants you to be here, ya know. You want your dad back and i want my whole damn life back”

“ I can’t….i don’t have anything like that…” he murmured, though he realized it was kind of a lie. HIs mom was still around, after all, they just didn’t contact her anymore. They left for a reason, he sure as hell wasn’t going back, “everyone’s gone…”

“ even your mom? What happened?” Jesse continued, apparently not seeing the look on Landon’s face when he said that.

“ nothing. We left. I don’t think it’s your business, anyway….” He murmured, looking anywhere but the bed, “ Sorry I’m makin’ your life shitty, I’ll try and leave as soon as I can…”

Jesse was silent for a moment, before sighing, “ I’m sorry, alright? I just...you’re everyone’s favorite, but you’re not special….You know I like Jack, right? I just don’t want you to get between us, too…”

“ thanks, I guess…” he muttered, “ listen, I’m not gonna steal him away or whatever, i’m not even gonna tell him i like him, but you should. You can’t hide it forever, Jess, he’s gonna realize it soon”

“You what?” Jesse asked, voice angry now. Landon could tell he’d sat up, probably preparing to tackle Landon right then and there, “ you-you don’t have a chance with him, anyway”

“Yeah, I know, genius. I’m not gonna confess anytime soon, okay? I’ve got a lot of other shit on my plate right now, anyway..” he muttered, “ ‘sides, i’m not sure you’ve got much of a chance either. How do you know he even likes you back? He might not even be gay”

“ I know that…”Jesse sighed, the bed creaking as he settled back down, “ I’m….probably never gonna tell him…..I’d rather him not know’n’still like me as a friend than know and hate me for it….”

Landon’s expression softened a bit at that, but he said nothing. He felt bad admitting aloud that he liked Jack too, especially after hearing what Jesse had to say. He felt the same, he’d much rather have a secret and a good friend than truth and an enemy.

“I….know I said i don’t want you here, but I guess it’s alright if you got nowhere else to go….” Jesse muttered, “ let’s make a deal. Neither of us makes a move on Jack and we’ll keep each other’s secret. mIne being my crush and yours being the fact that you wanna bail your dad out”

Landon sat up at that, paling at Jesse’s words, “How the hell do you know about that?”

“ did you read my journal?did Jack tell you?” he asked, his anxiety growing. Was he going to tell Bea? What if he was sent away? What if Landon was kicked out and left with nothing? He couldn’t live alone, how would he get food and shelter?

Not to mention he was going to be eighteen in less than a year, he could be charged as an adult and sent to jail. He might be with his dad again, but it wouldn’t be the same.

“ I heard you two talkin’...don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t “ Jesse assured, chuckling a bit, “don’t know why you’re so scared, my mama wouldn’t do nothin’, hell, she’d probably even help you out”

Landon shook his head,” I couldn’t ask her to do that. She’s been so kind to me already. I promsed I wouldn’t make her spend too much on me”

Jesse was quiet for a moment, hesitating to speak. He finally did, his words too soft for Landon to hear.

“What did you say?” the raven asked, glancing up at the bed. He never did get an answer. There was a long, still silence, and then he heard Jesse sgtart to snore as well, his being a bit deeper and softer than Jack’s.

Landon soon fell asleep as well, managing to doze off easily after Jesse’s confirmation that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

He was just glad the other didn’t seem to completely hate him anymore.

CHAPTER 5

Several months passed with no mention of money or unrequited love. Thank God.

Jesse didn’t like the idea of Landon being able to blackmail him, but he was sure the other didn’t like it either.

The both of them had agreed to some kind of truce, but Jesse still wasn’t completely on board with the ther living with him and his family. He even considered helping Landon get the money to bail his dad out, but he didn’t know where he’d get it either. He didn’t have a job and he’d rather not get one in this area. Don’t get me wrong, Jesse loved his hometown, but there was just no where to work that could get him enough money to bail Landon’s dad out. Besides, he’d much rather use that money for college. He wanted nothing more than t support his family. After his dad had run off, both Mason and his mama had been workin’ their asses off trying to keep the family from falling apart. The money from their produce and eggs helped too, even if it was just a little. Landon was just another mouth to feed, another student to support.

He was going to bleed their family dry.

He, Jack and Lando were hanging out again today, own by the river. Landon had been following them around more and more since that night they divulged their secrets to eachother, but Jesse reminded himself that if he even thought about sending the male back home, Landon would probably tell everyone he was gay and in love with Jack Faustas. He wouldn’t have any friends or life here anymore. Not to mention he already didn’t have any money. His family wouldn’t turn against him, but ti would be so awkward all the time. He didn’t know if he’d be able to take it.

“Jess, you’ve got a nibble”

The brunet looked up when he heard Jack’s voice, surprised to see his fishing line wiggling a bit, the fish that was nibbling not strong enough to pull the entire pole. He was quick to reel it in, standing and rushing to get the line in before the fish could escape.

Jack cheered when he managed to pull the fish up onto the dock, the thing flopping and wriggling around in an attempt to get back in the water.

“Damn, it’s just anoter bluegill…” Jesse muttered, picking it up and removing the hook from it’s mouth before tossing it back into the murky water, “ I was hopin’ i’d get a catfish, that’d really be impressive”

“Well, you’ll never beat me in terms of fishin’” Jack laughed, casting his own line back into the water, “then again, Landon’s doin’ pretty well’n’ he’s a city boy”

Landon smiled faintly at that, moreso at Jack than Jesse. It was digusting, watching him get all dopey and lovestruck over a little attention.

“ well, maybe one day we’ll have a big fishin’ competition. We’ll see who the winner is then~” Jesse decided, drawing back and casting his line back into the water.

He sat back down again, pole sitting lightly in his grip so he could enjoy the view. It was near dark, the sunset peeking over the trees on the other side of the river and casting a soft, pink glow on the three. Their bobbers wiggling with the cool breeze that October had brought on.

Fall break was nearly over, but the three of them would continue to hang out after school, like they had been.

{ completely different scene}

“ Jess….you don’t still hate me, do you?” Landon’s voice was softer than ever, his now calloused hands sitting still in his lap, as if his heart wasn’t beating like crazy in his chest. He knew he’d messed up, he just..he didn’tknow how to fix it anymore. Promises meant nothing now.

It was silent for several minutes, Jesse lightly rocking the hammock with his foot, as if waiting for Landon to just leave him alone.

He didn’t.

After what seemed like forever, Jesse spoke, his voice trembling as he did.

“ I-I’m not….I don’t hate you..” he murmured, just loud wnough so Lando could hear him, “ I just….I can’t believe you told him…”

“ I’m sorry, Jess, I just couldn’t bear to watch you two any longer. He needed to know and you needed to see the truth” Landon retorted, “ besides, you said you didn’t even like him anymore...do you?”

“I don’t” the brunet replied. His gentle rocking had long since stopped and he was sitting up in the hammock now, frownng at the male on the ground beside him. The full moon left nothing unseen, Landon’s unkept hair looking even worse after running , his jacket slipping off of one of his shoulders. He shivered in the chilly March air, but didn’t lok up at jesse. He hadn’t noticed him watching, too bus fis=dgeting with his hands in his lap.

“ why not?” “I like someone else”

Landon looked up at that, fear evident in his features, “ who is it?”. It was obviou he didn’t really want to know the answer, like he was afraid to hear it. Jesse hesitated, the air between them thick with fear and nervousness.

“It’s you. I like you” he murmured, glancing away, as if that would makd him any less embarrased. Landon was silent for too long, and Jesse looked up at him again, only to see him flushed red and hiding a smile with his hand.

“I-it’s embarrassing, stop looking at me!” he exclaimed, hiding his face further, “I...also...like you..” he muttered, voice muffled by his sleeve.

Jesse sat there in shock, his chest filling with warmth and his heart feeling fuller than ever. He smiled, “ really?”

“Yeah...for a while now, too…”Landon retorted, his smile showing on the moonlight, “just...s-stop looking at me with that stupid grin on your face!”

Jesse continued to gaze at him for a moment before lying back down with a sigh. Landon went back to fiddling with his hands, but the silence was soon filled with Jesse’s laughter, the brunet making the entire hammock shake. He was just...he was so happy.

Jack wasn’t mad at him, his mother hadn’t found out and Landon even liked him back! It was funny to think that nearly a year ago he’d hated the guy, and here he was falling for him!

“Jess?” Landon asked, peering over the edge of the hammock, “what the hell is wrong with you?”

The brunet didn’t answer, too busy just laughing and laughing and laughing at all of this. At everything.

He finally managed to get his words out, but it was still hard to understand. “ y-you just- I can’t beleive you l-like me back!” He was gasping for air at this point, his laughs mostly just wheezing, near silent ones now, “ a-and my life is still t-together! Everything’s okay!”.

Landon was surprised for a moment, but just smiled and began to laugh a bit as well. He soon climbed into the hammock with Jesse, the both of them laughing their worries away through the night.

{chapter end}

The both of them were nervous, squeezing eachother’s hands under the table. Any moment now and that officer would walk back in with Landon’s dad. It’d been so long since he’d seen him, even this little conversation would mak him feel amazing Especially since they had th money to bail him out now.

After getting the money, Jesse had driven him across the river and into Lousiville, promising that they’d come back with his dad. They had the money, they had a car. Landon was finally getting to see his dad again and he was coming home with them.

The both of them straightened up in their chairs when the door opened, the officer leading his dad in with handcuffs on. Landon stared, unmoving, his mouth open in surprise His dad looked so..different. He was so skinny and his five o’ clock shadow had grown out into a short beard. His hair was graying in some places, and his curly brown hair was an absolute mess. Why did he look like that? Landon thought prison treated their inmates better.

“ you get an hour, then he has to go back” the officer muttered, uncuffing his father and leaving. He closed the door, but it was apparent that they would be watching through the one sided mirror on the far wall.

The moment the door shut, Landon got up and hugged his dad tight, his arms fitting way too well around his dad’s waist. Hot tears picked his eyes, his throat burning when he realized he’d get to see him everyday, just like he used to.

“Dad-” “what the hell are you doin’ here, Landon?”

The raven looked up at the man through a teary gaze, frowning and pulling away a bit, “what...we...we came to see you, i-it’s been a year….”

His dad gazed at him for a moment, his warm, brown eyes glassy with emotion. He said nothing, pulling the male back into the hug and burying his face in his shoulder, his own tears slipping down his nose and onto his son’s shirt, soaking it through.

“ I’ve missed you so much….how’re they treating you? Is Bea nice’n’healthy?” he asked, pulling away with a faint smile. Landon had gotten taller, he knew, and was now almost the same height as his dad. They didn’t look alike at all, save for their eyes.

“ yeah….she’s great, they’re all great…”Landon replied, glancing back at Jesse with a warm smile. He turned back to his dad, now speaking rapidly, “ I can’t wait til you meet everyone, the twins are so cute and Geogia has sucha great imagination and Ja-”

HIs dad cut him off, “ what? Landon, I can’t just leave….I’m never getting out, don’t you know that?”

“No, no, we brought bail money it’s enough to get you out!” Landon assured, Jesse nodding behind him, “ I did all my research and now we’ve got plenty of money and you can get out and we can go home, right?”

“It...it’s not that simple, Landon….”he murmured, running a hand through the boy’s hair, “I’m really not gettin’ out, Little Legs, they’ve got me here for good”

Landon was becoming desperate, already begining to cry again. He gripped his dad’s arms tightly, face paling, “why not? Y-your sentence can’ be that long! You only got caught with the drugs, they didn’t know you were sellin’ them! Why can’t you come home?”

He was shaking his dad by now, desperate for the information. He’d been waiting a whole year for this, why wasn’t it going right? Why now? They’d worked so hard and now it was falling apart, it was all crumbling and slipping through his fingers like sand.

An officer burst into the room before Landon could get his answer, pulling the two of them apart. He held Landon back, asking what the hell had gotten into him?

“ B-bail money! we ‘re bailing him out! I-I just want my dad back, please!” He cried, not fighting the officer too much, “ He’s innocent! “

A lie, but he wanted so desperately to believe it. The officer let him go, Jesse gently taking the male’s arm now. He’d stood up when the commotion started, he’d never seen his boyfriend like this. H’d never seen him act so desperate, so scared.

“ he killed a man, son! You expect us to just let a kid bail him out!?” The officer scoffed, cuffing his dad and leading him out again.

Landon stopped, watching them go with wide eyes that were already filling with tears again.

His dad…? A murderer..?

The officer soon came back alone, both Landon and Jesse now seated again. Landon was pale now, lip trembling as the officer began to tell him the truth. His dad had murdered one of his clients after a deal went south and was charged with manslaughter. He was going to live out a life sentence in here, no bail money could help him now.

Landon didn’t want to believe it. He was full-on sobbing now, desperate for this to be some kind of dream or something. Of course, the officer wouldn’t lie, and when he realized this Landon just started screaming, the sound echoing back at them. He hugged himself tight, ignoring jesse when the other tried to calm him down, his hands over his ears. Not like he could hear them anyway, his hands covering his good ear and silence befalling him. He couldn’t hear himself think, he just kept screaming and screaming and screaming , fighting both the officer and Jesse when they tried to get him to stop. He just wanted it all to go away.

Landon wished they’d never come here, they never stole that money. He wished he’d never fallen in love with jesse and had never moved in with his family. He wished his father had never been arrested. He wished he’d never been a drug dealer in the first place, wish they’d nver left his mom. Even if it meant living with the devil herself, he wished it would just go back to how it was before.

{excerpt}

“Come here, let’s lie together..” Jesse murmured, pulling Landon towards the hammock. He’d been crying again, face red and puffy and tearstained. He looked so much like a little kid, jesse could have laughed at the sight. But he didn’t.

The two curled up together in the hammock, Landon’s face buried in his boyfriend’s chest, just breathing him in for a moment. It was nowhere near silent, the buzz of the cicadas and other nightlife singing to the both of them.

It was a while before Jesse spoke, one of his hands now entangled in the other’s hair, his other holding Landon’s hand. He rubbed circles into Landon’s palm, soft and slow like he always did.

“ Is it about your dad…?” he asked, voice almost too soft for Landon to hear. He nodded a bit, looking just a little less pitiful than he had moments earlier.

“ ...he-he’s not like that...he’s no killer, Jesse…” he whispered, “he’s not like...her”

“Who?”

Silence.

“ Landon…” he started, cupping the raven’s cheek and pulling Landon’s face closer to his own, “ I wanna know everything about you, even if it’s difficult. Tell me so I can help you…”

Landon gazed up at the other, speechless for a moment. He wiped at his tears and let out a shaky breath, nodding, “alright….alright, but it’s...a really long story…”

Jesse smiled softly at that, “ we got all the time in the world. Tell me everything that’s a burden’n I’ll help you carry it”

Landon was smiling now too, relaxing into the other’ grip and closing his eyes as he began to speak. He told Jesse everything, all about how his mother was normal until the year he turned nine. Then she just went crazy. He recalled coming home from school one day and there she was, standing above his dad with the tv remote and threatening to kill him. She’d threatened Landon too later on, and soon his dad just packed up and left. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going or why, he’d just left his life behind. He told Jesse about how he’d help organize the merchandise and hide the money his dad got. How they had thrown most of it away on even more merchandise. How he’d go to school sometimes and he wouldn’t even be able to eat lunch because his dad couldn’t give him another two dollars for whatever reason. Landon didn’t cry anymore, soon going on aboujt the dozens of stories he and his dad had written, about the prizes he won and the newspaper he was featured in. By the time he finally stopped talking, the sun was beginning to rise over the fields behind them, bathing them in a soft pink and orange glow, the both of them grinning like the lovestruck idiots they were. THey remained there for most of the morning, soon dozing off to a chorus of birds and a rustle of trees in the summer breeze.

#writing #write #short story #nanowrimo #lgbt story #lgbt love story #random story #random writing #sad #sad story #sdad writing #fiction #fiction writing #fiction story #gay #gay story #gay love story

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machihunnicutt · 7 years

Text

Not Selfish

Chapter 2

(Or read on ao3.)

Evan read the Wikipedia page three times in his bed that night. He knew he needed to fall asleep but he couldn't. When Connor had talked about his polyamorous friend he hadn't made it sound weird or bad and neither did the Internet (for the most part at least.) And the more he thought about that the more he thought about kissing Jared and Connor and the more he thought about kissing them the hotter his face felt and harder it was to close his eyes. He got up to get some water, tiptoeing across the wood floor.

To his surprise the light in the kitchen was still on.

"Jared? What are you doing up it's almost 3 am."

Jared turned to look at him. His face was open in a way it wasn't usually and it took him a moment to clear the emotion from his features. "Hey Ev," he said sharply. "I'm uh...I'm making ramen and a microwave mug cake."

"Oh." Shitty microwave food at three in the morning meant Jared was upset. "Can I join you?" Evan took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Sure," Jared said, wiping his nose discreetly on the back of his hand. "Do you want some ramen and/or cake?"

"I could go for some cake." Jared flicked on the radio to the oldies station and the gentle hum of some 50s slow song filtered in. He put the mug between them and started in on his ramen.

"Are you okay? You're eating your sad food."

Jared blushed and spooned some more of the ramen into his mouth. "It's nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Me too," he muttered. "Hey um..." oh God why was he so nervous. "C-Connor mentioned his um...his p-polyamorous friend today. I d-didn't know that was a thing."

Jared raised an eyebrow but remained silent so he continued. "W-what do you uh what do you think about that?"

Jared cocked his head to one side in confusion. "What do I think about polyamory?"

"I'm s-sorry that's a dumb question I shouldn't have..."

"I think that it it makes you happy go for it. You being a general you not you specifically...not that I'm excluding you. You can do whatever you want."

Evan bit his lip. "Do you think you'd ever be into it?"

"Me?" Jared's eyes widened and Evan wanted to crawl under a rock. "Oh, c'mon Evan there's no way one guy would be interested in me, let alone two."

"That's not true."

"Evan you don't have to lie to me just because I look and feel like shit."

"So there is something wrong?"

Jared winced.

"And I'm not lying. And you don't look like shit. You n-never look like shit."

Jared looked down at his ramen again and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. Evan tried a bite of the mug cake and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It was a stupid, reckless thing to ask but he was glad he'd asked it.

"Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?"

Jared shook his head. "I'm sorry Ev I'm just being a baby." He ran a hand through his hair and Evan frowned.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right?"

"I know. Thanks Ev." Jared still looked sad. He hated that he was sad. The radio continued its melancholy sputtering of old love songs.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Dance?" Jared nearly choked on his ramen.

"W-we don't have to I j-just thought.."

"Fuck yeah Evan," he said quietly, almost a whisper, that didn't fit with the words.

Jared's hand was gentle on his waist. They swayed close together. Evan was nervous that his hand was sweaty but Jared hadn't said anything about it so they just kept swaying.

"Thanks Evan," Jared muttered, and he could feel his breath on his neck.

When the song ended and they broke apart Evan didn't step back right away. His eyes fell to Jared's lips like some lovestruck idiot.

"I should probably go to bed," he said softly.

"Right, me too."

"Goodnight Ev."

"Goodnight Jared." *** "I need you to put that down and then tell me what exactly you think you're doing."

Connor put down the bottle of glitter nail polish he'd stolen from Zoe's room and sighed exaggeratedly. "I painted them black like I usually do but something seemed wrong so I took the black off and tried green but then I forgot it wasn't dry and tried eating chips and messed them up. So I went for it a third time but I was kind of tired and distracted so now I have this." He held up his mangled nails: glitter on some, a mishmash of uncoordinated colors and smudges.

"I love you bro, but you only go nail crazy when there's something wrong. You took your meds this morning right?" Zoe asked, taking a seat across from him and reaching out to wipe the wet polish from his nails. "And don't take my glitter again this shit is expensive."

"Yeah I took my meds. And I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off. Zoe's worry sometimes made him feel guilty. Connor was used to feeling guilty (it was one of his few emotions that included anger, worthlessness, and pining.)

"It's just that I saw Hansen for the first time in a while yesterday."

She finished his nails and selected a deep indigo to redo them. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad it's just that every time I've tried to get together with him before he has always had a date. Evan has a new date every week now."

"Our Evan?" She said, taken aback.

"Yeah...yesterday I remembered how much I missed him."

"And I assume you're also hella jealous?"

He scowled at her. "You could say that yeah but don't tell anyone."

She nodded sympathetically. "All these dates and he hasn't asked you out yet?"

Connor shrugged, eyes on the silver glitter she was now applying. His nails looked like tiny galaxies with glittering stars. "Maybe he just doesn't like me."

"Bullshit."

"He'll probably just ask Kleinman," he muttered.

She frowned. "Do you think Evan likes Jared?"

"It's more likely than him liking me." And Kleinman's not broken like I am, he didn't add. "In any case he's not dating either of us."

Zoe crossed her legs and pulled her hair into a ponytail at the top of her head. He thought she looked more authoritarian with her hair pulled out of her face. Maybe he did too. "You know I hit on a bunch of people before Alana and I started going out. I just wanted to make her jealous."

"I don't think he's doing that."

She sighed. "Look, obviously I don't know the whole situation but I do know you. And you always sell yourself short." He looked up at her. "It's not ridiculous for him to like you. You're very likable Con."

"Thanks," he muttered.

"You're very welcome. Do you want me to do your toes?"

From then on Connor spent more time at Evan and Jared's place, regardless of Evan's dates. When Evan wasn't around he just hung out with Jared. Which wasn't the worst thing in the world he soon realized. He'd actually started texting him more often too. And sometimes they got together for real, and not just to complain about being stuck without Evan.

"So when did you realize you had feelings for him?"

"Why so you can establish your right to call dibs?"

"Connor Murphy, he is a human being I can't call dibs on a human being I'm ashamed of you. Regardless I think we need to establish a timeline."

Connor laughed at the mock seriousness of Jared's expression. They were sitting at opposite sides of the couch, feet tangled together in the center cushion. Connor was doodling while Jared played some video game he hadn't caught the name of. After awhile he had paused it.

"Um...it was senior year. It's kind of stupid to say out loud because it was just this uh...this dumb little moment in high school. He knew I was having a bad day and he was giving me a ride so we could hang out at his place and he just pulled into the drive through at McDonalds and got me fries and ice cream and uh...I'd never really had someone who knew when I felt like shit and went out of their way to make me feel better. And when he handed me my fries and told me he was proud of me for getting through the day I just knew that I liked him."

Jared nodded slowly and Connor felt their feet tangle further, Connor barefoot with his toenails painted and Jared in his thick striped socks.

"How about you?" He asked when Jared didn't say anything.

Jared grinned. "Sophomore year. He climbed the tree in my back yard and when he got to the top he just laughed his head off like an idiot. I was on the ground still and I just remember looking up at him and thinking that I could look at him forever."

"Damn that's really gay."

Jared cackled. "Like you're one to talk." *** Okay so he'd be lying if he said he still didn't like Connor Murphy. He was growing on him: the way he took his coffee black next to Evan's mess of sugar and creamer, his eyes that looked intense even when he was tired or stoned, his soft stories about Evan and drive through fries and about the way loneliness ate at him sometimes. Only Connor didn't say the last thing lightly. Conversations about feelings happened when Evan was on a date and they both felt bitter and cracked open at their chests and knees and ankles. Connor would talk about the scars on his wrists and the lies his brain told him. Jared wasn't so forthcoming. He guessed, when he thought about it, he was used to bottling things up.

"I mean I don't tell my parents much. When I need to say something I know they don't want to hear I just lie."

"I guess I like pissing off my parents," he said. He was cooking a strange mess of eggs in one of Jared's frying pans. Connor Murphy tended to help himself in their kitchen. Although this time he was making food for the both of them. "That dude Evan's out with looks like he belongs in a fucking Wes Anderson movie."

"Yeah and you look like a Twilight extra but I don't say anything about it."

"You're so funny Kleinman," he replied in monotone. "Here, have some eggs a la Murphy." He put the mess of broken yolks and pepper speckled egg bits in front of him before dousing the mess in hot sauce.

"Thank you? I hope you're not trying to poison me Murphy."

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter. It was kind of late for eggs. It was nearly 10 and Evan wasn't back from his date yet. "I used to cook random food when I got really depressed. It was all shit and I usually burned something but it kept me from..." he trailed off, fingering the scars on his wrists. "I don't anymore because food's not cheap and my roommates would probably kill me if I set off the fire alarm."

"What do you do instead?" Jared asked, prodding at the eggs with his fork.

"I sound proofed my room so sometimes I just go in there and scream my head off. Or I talk to Evan. Or I bother you."

Jared looked up at him, meeting Connor's self-conscious gaze. "I kind of don't hate you Kleinman."

"Thanks. I don't hate you either." This felt like something. He didn't know what that something was but it seemed important. "And you aren't bothering me," he blurted before the moment was gone. "I don't make friends very easily and it's nice to have...God, I sound like Ev. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything. It's just nice not to be alone."

"Yeah," he said. "You don't have to eat the eggs just because we're bonding or whatever."

"Oh thank God." *** The more he saw them hang out together the more he thought he should stop being a coward and just ask. Ideally it would be a light, no pressure kind of inquiry, but every time he pictured himself doing it went more like "HI JARED HI CONNOR I LIKE BOTH OF YOU CAN WE ALL GO OUT TOGETHER?" Shouted incomprehensibly in the kitchen or living room or God forbid out in public.

He was having trouble sleeping again. When he wasn't worried about his sexuality he was worried about school. Finals were fast approaching and several of his professors had opted for group projects instead of exams. His groups tended to push all of the work on to him when they realized he was a good student and too quiet to protest. Evan was better at talking to people now but he was still nervous about confrontation. He was getting kind of weighted down and stuck between a rock and a hard place because he didn't want to upset his group members and he also didn't want to have a breakdown. He was walking home from the library and thinking about how much work he had to do and how lonely and weak he felt. It was getting cold. It might even snow tomorrow and his feet were freezing in his worn out boots. Maybe if he started crying his tears would freeze on his face.

"Jared?" When he opened the door he was wrapped up in warmth and the scent of tomato sauce and he could hear crackling from the kitchen. "I'm home. What are you doing...oh."

Jared and Connor were grinning and laughing at each other, both had aprons on and Connor had flour in his hair. "Hansen! You're home," Connor exclaimed when he noticed Evan standing there.

"You're here," Evan replied.

"Evan we're making homemade pasta," Jared explained as Evan stood numbly in the doorway. "We thought you could use a nice dinner but this idiot didn't bring a pasta maker and so it looks kinda fucked up but I think it'll cook alright."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked when Evan remained speechless. His happy expression from a moment earlier faded a bit and Evan felt guilty. He ruined everything didn't he? He was just a big, broken third wheel.

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice cracked pitifully.

"Oh Ev, what's wrong?" Jared put down the spatula he was holding and then Evan started sobbing. He'd tried to hold it in all day but now, seeing two of his favorite people doing something nice for him on a day that wanted to kick him when he was down, was more than he could handle.

Then Jared's arms were around him and he was shaking like a leaf and stuttering out apologies like he was in high school. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is so nice I ruin everything and I'm awful so..."

"You're not awful," Connor said. Jared pulled back and rubbed Evan's shoulders while he tried to calm his breathing."What happened Hansen?"

"Nothing," he choked. He suddenly felt hot and panicky. "It's nothing you guys I'm just a l-little overwhelmed s-sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Connor said.

"Hey," Jared said. He cupped Evan's face in his hands. "You know you can tell me anything too."

"I-I um..." he trailed off, blushing furiously, eyes still blurry from the tears. Connor cleared his throat and Jared quickly took his hands off Evan's face.

"Let's have pasta," Jared said and then backed up (into Connor accidentally which was awkward for a second and involved Connor's hands fumbling on Jared's arms.)

The rest of the night was better than breaking down in his kitchen. The pasta noodles were misshapen but surprisingly excellent. After they ate Jared put on The Office and the three of them curled up on the couch with Evan in the middle. Jared had the dorkiest laugh and Connor leaned his head on his shoulder in a way that grounded him. He liked them so much.

"Call me if you want to talk," Connor said when he walked him out. "I'm always here."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Connor laughed. "I'm a mess and we both know it."

"I think you're great."

"You know you don't ruin anything right?"

Evan shrugged. It was cold and he hadn't bothered to put his coat back on. Connor was wearing the scarf he'd knitted him and his face was pink from the cold.

"You don't Hansen. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

Connor smiled. "See you Hansen. Tell Kleinman I said bye."

"Yeah...okay."

Evan went back inside and helped Jared clean up the dishes. "You guys seem c-close now."

"Yeah," he replied. "Murphy's not a total asshole."

"I liked the pasta."

"Well don't get used to it nerd." He wiped his hands on a dish towel. "Goodnight Ev."

"Night." He'd wanted to say more. He'd wanted to ask him, in a jealous and insecure way, if he liked Connor more than he was letting on.

Who was he kidding? Including him would be too much work. If they liked each other he'd be happy for them. He repeated this in his head so he wouldn't forget it.

Happy for them. Happy for them. Happy for them.

He didn't have time to worry about this. He had class and projects and strangers to date so his head didn't explode. If there was one thing Evan Hansen was good at it was evasion. *** Jared liked it when it snowed. He liked the way it blanketed the trees and turned to slush by the roadside. He liked walking in it with a cup of coffee in hand. Everything seemed stiller on nights when it snowed. It was like the night was holding its breath. Everything felt fresh and expectant and important.

He didn't expect to see Connor Murphy on his porch swing when he got home. It was late. He'd been doing some studying of his own away from the distractions of the house (which often included Connor Murphy.)

"What are you doing here? You must be fucking freezing."

Connor looked up from his hunched position. He had snow in his hair and eyelashes. He'd been crying or smoking it was hard to tell. "I was going to surprise him. But uh...after an hour I texted him to try to figure out where he was and..."

"Evan's on another date. He's got an endless supply of phone numbers apparently."

Connor laughed bitterly and tossed the bag of jolly ranchers he had in Jared's direction. "I got him his favorite," he croaked. "What the fuck am I still doing here Kleinman? Do you know?"

"Come inside. We can..."

"I don't want to come inside." He bared his teeth and spoke in a low growl.

Jared took off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's bare neck. "Fine then. I'll stay out here with you until you do. He sat down. Connor was shaking. His hair covered his face and Jared could tell he was trying to hide his tears the same way Jared had that night at the party.

"I keep trying to tell myself that he's not worth all this. That I don't know...that he's a bad person or whatever but he's not. He's not seeing other people to hurt me or some shit. He just doesn't like me. He just...I just don't deserve someone like him." His voice sounded so broken that for a moment Jared hated Evan. He hated him even though Connor was right and he wasn't doing anything wrong.

"You do deserve someone like Evan."

"You don't have to lie to me Kleinman I'm not a fucking kid."

"You do!" He repeated and it was too loud and echoed in the icy streets, sound tangling with the amber glow from the street lamps. Connor looked up. Jared had realized they had the same weird eyes years ago but he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them. He didn't think he'd looked at the freckles on Connor's nose before either, or the mystery bruise on his right cheekbone he claimed he woke up with and didn't remember how he'd acquired. There was snot on his face and his eyes were red.

Jared had learned that Connor Murphy's default tended to be anger. He yelled. And his tears were more often angry than sad.

Connor drew in a long breath. The anger faded from his face into something more tired and vulnerable. "Why doesn't he like me?" He said.

Maybe they were more alike than he realized. Maybe Connor could understand him the way he understood Evan.

Jared leaned in fractionally, involuntarily and then stopped, rational part of his brain urging him to pause. You don't just do things. You think, you plan, you engineer your image so people can't see all the ways you fall short. For once the irrational and reckless and unconscious won. He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. He kissed Connor Murphy and he tasted like smoke and salt and felt impossibly warm.

What are you doing?

He drew back, apologies on his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. You're obviously in a bad place and it's fucked up to take advantage of..."

Connor cut him off by kissing him back, long and drawn out and hot and mutual and hungry in a way he didn't expect. Because it was just him. It wasn't someone kind and sweet like Evan or hot and edgy like Connor it was just him: not that nice or attractive or confident. It was just him and yet Connor's hands were on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. They broke apart for air.

A loud smacking sound pulled their eyes off of each other. Connor reacted first.

"Fuck! Hansen are you okay?" Evan was lying on his back in the driveway, facing away from them as if he'd been in the process of turning around to go back the way he'd come when he slipped.

Connor reacted first but Jared was the first to stand up. He could feel his heart in his throat. Beside him Connor was breathless, his lips very red even in the dark. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He hated the snow. Shit like this only happened when it snowed.

He ran off the porch and into the driveway, more careful with his steps now. Evan still hadn't said anything. He was covering his face with his hands.

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

It was quiet in his head despite the fact that Connor was yelling something from the yard and a car was driving by. It was quiet and then Evan spoke and it wasn't anymore.

He uncovered his face and looked up at him with a horrified and supremely embarrassed expression. "I'm really sorry."

#sincerely three #dear evan hansen #deh #deh fic #jared kleinman/evan hansen #kleinsen #treebros #jared kleinman #connor murphy #evan hansen #awi's fic

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ccorinnef · 4 years

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Sketchbook Flipthrough: Dec 19 - Jun 20

One of the creative practices I have developed is to work in my sketchbook for one hour every day. It seems that the key to my personal creativity is consistency rather than quality. I have gone through so many sketchbooks in my developing career as an artist but this is the very first one that I have fully completed. I worked in this Seawhite of Brighton A5 sketchbook from December 2019 to June 2020.

This first page I was attempting to finish up my self-made Inktober prompts by drawing a Garden Chafer. I don't think I really did it justice but it got me past the dilemma of the first blank page. On the next page I've drawn a mandala - I love drawing mandalas to practice symmetry and linework.

This next drawing was for a Christmas present for my partner; it is one of his favourite Warhammer characters: The Green Knight. The composition of this piece was taken directly from the reference picture I had from a Warhammer book but I drew it in my style of ink illustration with a bold triangle frame. Next to this I tried my hand at some faux calligraphy by inking the words "lose hate not weight." This is a message that became a personal mantra in the post-Christmas and New Year diet culture frenzy that is so overwhelming and all-consuming.

This collection of small drawings is titled "Some things I found while walking the dog." It features some winter plants and a lot of litter as well as a turnip that had washed up with the recent floods, which my dog thought was the best ball ever.

This spread has a very simplified not-quite pattern of houses of different designs. I was just playing with different shapes and patterns to create the buildings and their features. Beside this we have a baby Yoda - can you tell we started the year watching the Mandalorian?

Next, I've drawn a very fine lined rendition of the Wallace Monument in Stirling - this one may become a print in the near future, I am as yet undecided. On the opposite page I've drawn another mandala, this time taking up the entire page. I love practicing my linework and incorporating more bold black elements is something I am going to work with more going forwards.

This is a random doodle page - I tend to have my sketchbook out on the counter while volunteering with Made In Stirling so I can doodle in between customers when it is quiet. I like to do these random shapes of lines to practice getting the flow and ease of specific line styles more natural. The drawing beside this is of Stirling Castle - this one is definitely going to become a print in my collection soon! I just love the combination of the semi circle and the trees.

On the next spread, I've done a simplified drawing of a local building - I use local estate agents pictures as reference images as they tend to take really good building pictures! The next drawing was another style I have really started to gravitate towards. It's a kind of line practice except in the style of a topographic map. I had great fun doing this and they'll definitely pop up in my sketchbook practices regularly in the future.

This drawing was one of the ones I did while idly watching TV to stop myself from fidgeting. It's just a collection of tiny leaves that look as though they are drifting slowly in the sky. On the opposite page is a weird lined abstract shape thing - I don't particularly like it, but bad art is just as important to the creative process as good art.

This next spread is another that I don't particularly like. On the left, I've drawn a group of tree shapes in a similar vein to the not-quite house pattern. On the right is an attempt at a more structured architectural drawing of a fancy modern style house. You can tell I got fed up of it by the time I got to the shading.

This next piece is actually my first ever drawing from life. I took a life drawing class at my local college at the start of the year to push my boundaries a bit. I just glued it into my sketchbook after class and folded it so it would fit properly. It was drawn in charcoal and I didn't use any setting spray on it so it has smudged a little bit. Beside this is a tiny collection of baby animals which I think I drew at one of the Community Creative Club meets. I will never not love baby hedgehogs - they are the cutest thing on this planet.

Next up, I've got a collection of the local birdlife. These are all birds that I have seen around my home and tried to identify as best as possible. The heron, which I had mentally named Herman and saw every morning, unfortunately died after being caught in the floods of the start of this year. I have since seen another heron take its place in the misty mornings. This spring it was a delight to watch the swan and duck families grow up - we saw the same goosander family almost every day and took great delight in witnessing the mum duck diving under the ducklings and teaching them how to swim and forage.

This drawing is another random linework practice piece - it's kind of noodly. On the right is a drawing of Mooncake from Final Space which we were watching at the time. Chookity Pok!

This is another simplified building drawing using local estate agents' pictures as reference images. Beside this, is another drawing from my life drawing class. In this activity I thouroughly misunderstood the instructions so everyone else in the class ended up with tiny drawings on the side of their bigger collaborative pieces.

Next, we have another topographic style line drawing but a lot more simplified, as well as one of the first of my portraiture practices for the 100 Heads Challenge.

This two page spread is another piece from my life drawing class - this time I drew with materials more familiar to me, using white ink to add highlights and make the figure pop out from the brown of the paper.

On the next pages I've drawn a leafy plant and a Totoro - this was when Netflix started adding Studio Ghibli to its catalogue.

This next drawing is another that I don't particularly like, I think I just got the composition not quite right. It's a kind of composite of a few different trees that formed the view out of our cabin window on our February holiday to Aviemore. Beside this I've drawn a collection of simple fine line mushrooms.

The next page is an attempt at illustrating a map of an imaginary town - I have mixed feelings about it. On the opposite page is an aimless doodle of tiny flowers, for no particular reason.

Next is a page of random tiny doodles which almost looks like a (really bad) tattoo flash sheet. On the right I've drawn a self-portrait.

Next is almost a cartoon board but made up of intricate food illustration. I wanted to really test my textures with ink in this piece to try and capture a sense of likeness of the food items. Also, a pine cone. I have a weird obsession with pine cones.

On the left is a kind of spiderweb doodle which was probably another line work practice. On the right is another piece from life drawing class which I've just glued in so as to keep a memento of my progress.

This drawing is yet another one from life drawing class where I used different colours of ink pens to create depth and shadows in the model. Beside this is a drawing of a monument in Edinburgh called the Dugald Stewart Monument.

Another piece from my life drawing class is followed by a rough sketch of the Falkirk Kelpies.

The next two pages are made up of another piece from life drawing class - I like the way I've used different shades of ink to add highlight and lowlight to the figure.

Here is a monument in my typical style, this one is a part of Glasgow University. And next to this is another very simplified topography style map.

This spread features more monuments of Glasgow - the Duke of Wellington Statue (complete with cone hat, obviously) and the Clyde Auditorium. Both of which will become prints before long.

These next drawings are of another topographic map and the Falkirk Kelpies. These Kelpies took me about two weeks to draw in total because there are just so many intricate details.

Up next is a couple more monuments, the Stirling Robert the Bruce statue, and Edinburgh's Greyfriars Bobby.

The next drawing is another in my usual style of Castle Stalker. I love how this one turned out and it will definitely be in my shop soon! Beside this is an attempt at drawing a building from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh - I don't think it turned out very well, I got some of the angles of walls a bit wrong.

This next page features a simple drawing of a piece of hawthorn blossom that I found earlier this year. Beside this is a cute little Japanese building which I've coloured in with pencils. I was inspired to draw this from watching Midnight Diner on Netflix.

This painting was one of the first that I did during lockdown - it's of some daffodils that smudged a wee bit. On the right is an ink illustration of St Andrew's Cathedral, which also has some smudged daffodil paint.

This spread includes a yin and yang mandala and another colour pencil Japanese style house.

This is some more linework practice. On the left is a drawing of some wintery cow parsley stalks. On the right is some simple lined circles - I really like how when they cross over each other it appears like cross hatching.

This next page was inspired by watching Chris Riddell's IGTV's during lockdown. Beside this is a fuzzy bumble butt grazing on a thistle.

These next two drawings are my first tentative steps into character design - when I'm learning something new I tend to take inspiration from artists that already work in a particular way so that I might pick up some of their tricks along the way.

The next spread features another tiny building and an adorable mouse peeking out of a tulip flower.

Next is another practice of character drawing and an attempt at a fairytale style house, I didn't get the proportions quite right unfortunately.

On the left is a drawing of a treehouse which looks like an amazing place to live. On the right is an illustration of Fenton Tower - you might recognise it as Archie's humble abode from Balamory.

Next is another couple of spaghetti like line practices. I love playing with flow and texture within linework.

This drawing is a local building, the reference picture came from estate agents’ images. Beside this is some triangular line practice with the crossing over crosshatching again.

This is an illustration in my usual style of Dunnottar Castle - it will soon be in my avaible print collection. Next to this is an ink and watercolour drawing of a building from Culross, Fife where they have very distinctive white washed walls and bright brick edging.

This is another spread of linework practice - this time with squares and another topographic map.

This is a funky building I found online and wanted to draw - it's wedged between two sheer cliff faces! Next to this is a random page of scraps really. I started trying to draw some fairytale buildings before abandoning that idea and splashing some watercolour over the page instead. I then added this small watercolour painting of Kate from @kateshappinessjourney, which I tried to paint with a colour palette similar to Fran Menses.

These are two paintings of tiny country cottages done in ink and watercolour. I really enjoyed doing these and will probably do more going forward. Beside this is another bumble butt on a flower.

This is another Studio Ghibli inspired drawing and some character design practice. On the right is a couple more tiny watercolour cottages.

This page is has a random drawing from a reference on Instagram of a person wrapped up in a blanket along with a quote that reads: "I have planted worth, beneath my skin, in all the places, you made me doubt." Beside this is a practice loose watercolour painting of some flowers and leaves in a vase. It's not my usual style but I like to practice using watercolour regularly so that I can continue to develop my skills.

Next up is a collection of tiny drawings taken from scrolling through Instagram - I do this particularly when I want to draw but don't have a specific subject in mind. On the right hand side is a little landscape painting in gouache. I'm still learning how to use this medium so I don't expect masterpieces any time soon!

This is another weird building drawing - it did not turn out how I had envisioned so I am quite disappointed with it. On the adjoining page is a Draw This In Your Style challenge from @moonylux on Instagram. Its a very dainty and glamourous looking mermaid that I quite enjoyed drawing.

Here are some more gouache painting practices of some Scottish landscapes. I really like how my use of brushstrokes makes the paintings more vibrant and alive. Beside this is a little line drawing practice of some ocean waves.

This next drawing is another bumble butt on a flower. I think I might turn these into a print. On the right is a tiny collection of watercolour snails being adorable and curious creatures. I'm low-key obsessed with snails - I always move them from the path after the rain so they don't get stood on. I think these paintings could do with another layer of paint to increase the saturation of the colours.

This is an ink drawing of a Jackalope. I wish I could have one as a pet because they are so freaking cute. On the other side of this spread is another gouache practice piece - this one of a pink flower on a dark blue background.

This is another in my series of mythological creature illustrations. It's a fairy based off of the flower fairy drawings by Cicely Mary Barker in her books. Next to this is my first attempt at creating a repeating pattern for Minnie Small's #minniemission. It did not go well but I like to keep the scraps of my ideas.

This is a series of sketches for a commission for The Kitchen at 44. I often test out ideas in my sketchbook - sometimes completing the whole commission in my sketchbook and other times, as in this case, transferring the drawings over to something more fit-for-purpose (like watercolour paper).

Here is another of the great Scottish mythological creatures - this one is a Kelpie which features in stories across the country. Beside this I've done another gouache practice, of yet another landscape... I miss my studio and my acrylic paints a lot, but I am having great fun learning to use a new medium!

This is an illustration of a bean-nighe, or washer woman, who foretells death when she is seen washing the bloodied clothes of the people who are about to die. She also has breasts so saggy and cumbersome that she throws them over her shoulders to keep them out the way while she works. Next to this is a drawing of a building inspired by Ian Mcque's incredibly intricate illustrations.

This next drawing is another mythological creature illustration - this one is an uilbheist of Orkney and Shetland legend. This three headed sea serpent protects the islands from danger. On the right, is a little gouache seascape study. I really like how this one turned out.

This is another gouache study - I don't like how this one turned out much but there are tiny elements of this piece that I like. Beside this is some portrait practices for the 100 Heads Challenge - the challenge is to do 100 Heads in 10 days but that is way too difficult for me to achieve, so I just practice some here and there when I want to draw something different.

This is an illustration of a Boobrie, another of Scotland's mythological creatures. Beside this is some more portrait practice. I don't think I did these ones very well - but that is exactly why it is called a practice.

Here is a random piece of paper that I was testing pens on when decluttering. Over the top of it I've just drawn a quick flower doodle. Next to this is a collection of some of the Black Lives Matter protestors from June. Please keep this movement alive, listen and learn as much as possible. Only we can make the future better.

This next drawing is a commission I did for a friend who is about to embark on her probation year as an English teacher and wanted some literary themed illustrations to make signposts for her classroom. They are Narnia, Desire St, and East Egg, since they are some of her favourite stories. Beside this, on the right, is a collection of random shapes drawn with a highlighter and then turned into cartoony people. This kind of drawing practice really pushes you to look at shapes in a different way.

Here is some more portrait practices. I'm quite pleased with these. Next to this is some random leafy doodles, just for the hell of it.

This is another simplified house using a reference image from local estate agents. Beside this is another topographic map style linework practice.

Here is a creature by Karolina Plutowska from the book 'Sketching from the Imagination: Creatures and Monsters.' Practicing drawing like this helps me learn new ways of approaching illustration that I might not have considered before. Of course, I would never seek to claim any kind of profit or credit for drawings like these since they are based on someone else's artwork. On the right, is some more portrait practices which I never got around to inking. The pencil lines are very faint but you can see that I use a lot of shapes and lines to get the proportions right and help map out the whole page before I ink.

And this very last spread consists of another creature drawing from the book 'Sketching from the Imagination.' It is an illustration by Ksenia Bakhareva which I am particularly fond of. On the very last page of this sketchbook I've stuck in the finished repeating pattern that I made for Minnie Small's #minniemission. I am really pleased with how this piece came out and I can't wait to turn it into something fun!

And there you have it! That is the entire contents of my last sketchbook - dated from December 2019 to June 2020. It was been a wild few months but I've grown a lot as a person and as an artist, as can be seen from my sketchbook progression.

I hope you enjoyed taking a look inside my sketchbook. I use it basically as a place to store all of my art and treat each page as a new opportunity to practice my skills and talents. Not everything you create has to be a masterpiece but the act of practicing your skills every day will get you so much more creative than you ever thought possible .

#sketchbook #art skills #art #artwork #creative

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