#ocd tw

[provinzpoet]

On Engagement Bait

Whenever you see it, that's an additional five years. All currently active negative effects are dispelled.

A lil' essay.

I hate engagement bait - with a passion.

"Reblog if you care" "Reblog to mark your blog safe for [marginalized group X]" "Reblog or your mom dies in her sleep tonight."

"Reblog, or else."

I know most of these are made in jest. Harmless fun, right? But to me, "harmless fun" doesn’t excuse poor taste. Especially when it veers into manipulation.

So, here's a little something below the cut. If you're here for the poetry, you're free to scroll. If you're here for the ramblings, keep reading.

Either way, have another look at the duck. That's another 5 years on the house. Download it, look at it whenever - stack that immunity to last a lifetime. No engagement bait shall ever touch you again.

That little ducky up there was born in response to a post about you not having any original thought for the next five years.... unless you reblog.

It was meant as silent defiance, as a soft out. Then @bred-is-a-dumb-name reblogged my little ducky. With the following tags:

First and foremost: Thank you for speaking so clearly. Your tags were the push I needed to sit down and write this.

I. The Premise

Engagement bait plays with a simple human desire. Recognition. People want to be seen, they want to be recognized. Above all, they want to be validated.

From the early days of social media 'likes' equaled validation.

On tumblr, the currency of choice is reblogs. Reblogging equips a post with wings, allowing it to touch down on your own blog, be exposed to your own audience. The growth potential here is exponential, as reblogs don't just live tucked away in your profile, but are the groundwork of the tumblr algorithm on what content to show to its userbase.

My Thesis: You are responsible for the content you pass along to your mutuals. Even if you didn’t create it. Even if you reblogged it "ironically."

From the creator’s side, engagement bait is often a way to chase notes - a hit of serotonin from the numbers ticking up. And I get that. I love seeing my posts resonate too - reading your tags, your comments, the ways my words find you.

But I would never boost engagement through pain, coercion, or bad vibes in general. And I think no one should.

II. The Danger

Here's the catch: reblogging engagement bait feeds a manipulative feedback-loop.

But, at the same time, Let me be clear: Not all engagement bait is created equal.

Baity posts like "reblog to show your moots you appreciate them" (you know who you are! And I appreciate you too! c: ) are fine. Sure, they're meant to play the algorithm and the very human rationale that 'external validation is more valuable than internal validation' . basically: "If I reblog this post it'll mean more than if I just tell my moot they mean a lot to me".

At best, they're a reminder to be kind.

But - and this is the important part - there is also a different kind. Engagement bait like "Reblog or your mother will die tonight", "Reblog or no more creativity for 5 years".

These aren't funny to everyone. To some, they're not even neutral.

They're cruel. They are emotional abuse hidden under the guise of a 'funny context'. Of the absurdity of a duck holding that power.

Let's be real. It's not holding that power. And you'll reblog it ironically with funny tags in the vein of 'oh, better be sure, mighty duck'. Unless you don't.

Because guess what? It IS holding that power.

To those with OCD. To those in intrusive thought loops. To those with deeply rooted fear of loss. To the neurodivergent. Maybe even to you? To those, these posts can be triggers.

III. The Mechanics of Harm

To people like that, the harmless meme becomes a source of real-world stress.

It's toying with - to me - deeply problematic, psychological concepts:

Compulsion and Intrusive Thoughts For someone with intrusive thought patterns, seeing a post that ties inaction to harm can spark a cycle that’s hard to break. It’s not a meme - it’s a trigger.

Guilt-Tripping and Moral Coercion There’s a quiet cruelty to coercion wrapped in kindness. ‘Only good people will reblog’ is just a digital form of social blackmail.

False Urgency & Manufactured Stakes The moment a post tells you "do this now, or else" - it's bypassing your agency. It swaps thought for panic.

Neurodivergent Sensitivity to Harm Avoidance This isn’t about superstition. It’s about the fear of what happens if we don’t play along. That fear is real. Many neurodivergent folks have built entire internal systems around minimizing perceived danger. These posts poke at that. They exploit it.

The Illusion of Safety through Compliance Some users - especially those who’ve seen harm happen "coincidentally" after ignoring a chain post - develop ritualized engagement. It becomes a way to feel in control, even when logic says otherwise. Engagement bait can reignite old fears tied to punishment, loss, or abandonment. And I get it. These posts feel silly. But they sit in the mind like a splinter.

Yes, it's uncomfortable having it called out like this - and it should be. It's meant to be.

IV. Walk a mile in their shoes

I’m not writing this from a pulpit.

I’ve wrestled with compulsive thoughts and weird little rituals my whole life. So when I say this stuff can hurt, it’s not theoretical. It’s personal.

And I’m not here to scold. I’m just inviting you to zoom out. To consider that your reblog might have more impact than you intended.

V. Being Responsible

I try to bear responsibility for what I put out here. Tumblr is full of vulnerable, brilliant, open people. The way we talk to each other matters.

Don't get me wrong, sharing a joke is fun - But if you knew a joke would hurt your friend, you'd probably hold it back. The same logic applies here.

I'm not here to shame anyone - unless you’re making this kind of post in bad faith. If you’re knowingly feeding on people’s fears for notes? That’s not a joke. That’s cruelty. That, to me, is despicable.

All I wanted was to offer this, another point of view. And just maybe, if you’ve ever reblogged something like that without thinking, this helped you see it through a different lens.

Be nice to each other. Look out for each other.

We're all navigating this life for the first time, let's not make it any harder than it needs to be, okay?

Yours truly,

Poe

Just silently accept. The donkey will know.

[crabussy]

if you have severe and specific anxiety but think to yourself "I can't possibly have OCD, I don't have any urge to do specific things to calm myself down" I have potentially "Oh Shit!" Worthy information for you.

sometimes an OCD ritual is the LACK of doing something. e.g. if you're scared of hurting your pets, your compulsions could be to NOT touch them. if your anxiety revolves around accidentally sending something bad to someone, your compulsions could just be to NOT send any messages. NOT doing something? can be a compulsion!!! especially when it gets to the point where it defies reason.

[distinctlywhumpthing]

Fresh Start

cw: panic attack, obsessive/compulsive behaviors. leo's usual dubious/clueless caretaker vibes. tiny mention of aiden's self-destructive behaviors. shaky trust being tested, my beloved.

Previous — Masterlist — Next

Movement sends pain radiating through Leo’s back and shoulder. His memory connects the discomfort to the hospital recliner and he bolts upright. 

But they’re home. Safe. 

He’s just paying the price for deciding to sleep on the floor outside Aiden’s room after a bought of anxiety convinced him he wouldn’t be able to hear if Aiden needed him. He—

Aiden’s bed is empty. 

His mind races through worst-case scenarios, heart tripping along to keep pace but as soon as he fully turns around, Aiden is right there. Curled up on the hardwood, no pillow or blanket, just shy of reaching the doorway. Fallen out of bed? Collapsed? Had Leo slept through him needing help after all? He reaches for his shoulder. What if— 

“Aiden? Aiden?” 

The kid startles awake, a small gasp escaping his lips as he clumsily but quickly straightens to kneel. Dark eyes wide even as he blinks away sleep. He crosses his arms, hand cradled carefully in the center of his chest. 

“What happened? Why were you on the floor?” 

“I—I—mmm…mmm…” He shakes his head and lowers his gaze. Not a good sign. “Mmm’sorry—I’m’sorry—” 

 “Are the stitches okay? Is there blood on the bandages? Are you in any pain?” Leo reaches for him and Aiden flinches back, hard. Now he’s certain something is wrong. 

“Mmm’good,” Aiden says, voice wavering. He still won’t make eye contact and he’s slowly, almost imperceptibly inching away from Leo. 

“Did something happen? We’ll call Delia if we need to. I just have to see that you’re okay.” He reaches for him and again Aiden cowers back. He hits the futon frame and whimpers. 

The sound strikes another cord of fear in Leo, doubling his panic. “You’re not in trouble but if the stitches tore or you’re in pain, I need to know.” 

Aiden swallows. “I—I—mmm…mmm…” 

Leo strains to hear him at all and considers just grabbing him. He has to see— 

“I—I—” Aiden shakes his head, gaze still lowered. His hands tremble as he lifts his arms, turning them toward Leo. 

It’s the most anguished surrender he’s ever seen.  

“Hey, woah. Look at me, it’s okay.” 

Aiden lifts his chin. For a split second, his expression looks incredulous before its replaced by a more familiar one of distrust and fear. 

But it was enough. 

The kid’s not even breathing, eyes filmed with tears as he obediently holds Leo’s gaze. 

You’re scaring the shit out of him.

Leo pushes himself back quicker than necessary, earning another flinch from Aiden who crosses his arms back over his chest protectively, curling against the bed frame. Leo moves to sit in the doorway, heart still pumping adrenaline through his veins, and tries to focus on his breath. 

Aiden watches him with open wariness. As defensive as day one. 

This is supposed to be a fresh start, their second chance. In the six weeks since finding Aiden in the snow, Leo succeeded in isolating him and not much else. And here he is, only driving that wedge deeper. He’s supposed to be better equipped now that he’s not completely ignorant but it doesn’t seem to make a goddamn lick of difference. Leo should have admitted months ago that he wasn’t right for this but his selfish denial carried them way past the point of return.

Too little too late isn’t going to cut it anymore. The kid deserves more. Someone who’s going to fucking listen to him. Someone he can trust and rely on. He’s going to need so much support. He can’t shower without wrapping his arms and hand, which he can’t do himself. He’ll need help changing the bandages. Not to mention the antibiotics. He probably never slept well to begin with, if last night is any indication. He barely eats. He was hurting himself all along right under Leo’s nose. He fucking tried to—

Aiden sounds like he’s trying to breathe through a straw, inhales shorter and shorter. Leo looks over to find Aiden already watching him, brow furrowed. 

When Aiden tilts his head, Leo realizes it’s him. 

He’s the one gasping like all the oxygen has been sucked from the room. 

Great.

“I’m sorry,” he forces out, but it’s barely audible. “I just—I need—” 

He stumbles down the hall, sparing both of them from a backward glance, and shuts himself in the bathroom. 

Leaning against the door is no good, he feels pinned there by the pressure in his chest. 

God, like he just cornered Aiden. 

He fumbles to turn on the sink, hands shaking. His fingers feel like precarious stacks of marbles rather than joints, skin slick from perspiration. Why did he have to replace the valve with stupid spoke handles? It takes a few tries before he can cup his hands together to hold onto any water. Given how little he’s breathing, the first splash feels like he’s waterboarding himself. He straightens, gasping and sputtering, but the innate reaction overrides his anxiety and he manages to pull in some deeper breaths. He keeps his hands under the tap and forces focus on the sensation of the cold water against his skin, the air in his lungs. 

One, two, three, four…one, two, three, four…

The panic recedes the more he breathes but guilt is quick to fill the vacancy. He doesn’t know what he was thinking, letting his prescription run out. He’s useless when he’s like this. 

His hands still shake as he twists off the faucet, nerves wrung out and cold. He avoids his reflection and turns to leaning against the counter while he towels his hands dry. His phone’s almost dead from not being charged all night. He stares at the chat with Delia, his string of blue bubbles filling the right side, unanswered. The last one, “What time do you get off today?” is a poor cover for his real question, “How soon can you come over?” Without hesitation, his anxiety is all too happy to supply countless awful explanations for why she hasn’t had three fucking seconds to send a single thumbs up in the last six hours. His pulse steps up again, his fingertips start to tingle. 

Leo drops his phone back into his pocket and scrubs his face with his hands, forces another few rounds of deep breaths. There’s a headache building right behind his eyes. More sleep will help but he has to take care of Aiden first. Starting with an apology. 

He finally turns to meet his tired, bloodshot eyes in the mirror. The lines of his face, deepened by exhaustion, make him look like he’s pushing forty and the fact that he hasn’t shaved since last weekend isn’t exactly helping. He scratches the corner of his jaw where there are a few traitorous white hairs. When he reaches for his toothbrush, he knows he’s stalling but how will he even start explaining his reaction to Aiden? 

At some point, he replaced his toothbrush on the charging stand and started washing his hands. Based on the suds caught in the drain, he already washed them more than once. He can’t get stuck here, not now. His heart starts rushing again and his throat feels tight, panic and frustration balling in his chest. How many times has this happened in the last day alone? 

“It hasn’t been this bad for years,” he whispers in his defense to nobody. 

But he still can’t stop. Not yet. He meets his eyes in the mirror again, ignoring the flare of self-pity and disgust. Just one more time, he tells himself, trying to believe it. 

Four pumps of soap. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

The door opens and he immediately loses count; isn’t sure if he wasn’t finished yet or if he’d already started over again. Aiden peeks through the crack, crease between his brow telling Leo he’s also biting his lip. When Leo meets his gaze in the mirror, Aiden ducks back into the hallway. 

Shit. 

Aiden wouldn’t have taken such a liberty without knocking first, probably more than once and only then after Leo was in here for way too long. Another total failure for the list. But at least it was enough to knock him out of the loop. 

The poor kid looks like he’s expecting a hell of a lot more than Leo suggesting breakfast when he comes out into the hall. He’s pressed against the span of wall between the top of the stairs and Leo’s bedroom. Not quite adjacent to where Leo stands in the bathroom door but clearly trying to find some middle ground that isn’t retreating to his room at the end of the hall. 

Leo buys them both a little space by turning to the washer and dryer to switch their laundry from last night. He wonders if Aiden notices the two extra towels he used when he needed more than one shower to feel like he could sleep. God, he’s completely unraveling. 

Aiden is no more relaxed when Leo faces him again. 

“Aiden, look—” he says at the same time Aiden says, “M’sorry.”

He holds up a hand and Aiden flinches. 

Well, that’s about right after what he pulled. But man, if it’s not a kick in the gut while he’s down. To make matters worse, Aiden seems to think it’s his responsibility to set things right after being subjected to Leo’s irrational panic. His guilt starts to turn in to a physical ache in his chest.  

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Aiden watches him carefully like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, long fingers worrying the cuffs of the hoodie. “You’re not in trouble,” Leo adds, taking a note from Delia. “Just finding you on the floor—” 

“Mmm….you…w-w-w—” Aiden shakes his head, swallows. “Mmm…here…” Leo waits but Aiden doesn’t say anything else, just huffs out a little sigh of exasperation before letting his gaze slide to rest on Leo’s make-shift bed. Which of course he tidied, blanket neatly folded and pillow set on top. His eyes lift to dance around Leo’s face, searching for some sign that he’s getting it. 

“I was sleeping here…” Leo feels obtuse stating the basest fact he can pull out of this exchange but Aiden nods. 

“I—my—” He scrunches his face up and shakes his head. He’s pinching and pulling at the cuffs of his sleeves now, grip tightening. He swallows hard twice before he tries again. “I’mmm…you…here…” 

“You…” Leo hopes he’s not taking too far of a leap. “...moved onto the floor when you saw me there?”  

Aiden turns his head away like he’s expecting to be slapped, gives a tiny nod. 

“That’s okay, it’s okay,” Leo says quickly. “But you didn’t have to sleep on the floor just because I was. Anyway, that runner is actually pretty thick, I—” Aiden bites his lips together like he wants to say something else. “What is it?” 

He knots his fingers together then separates them after a quick glance up at Leo, smoothing them against his thighs. “I—I—mmm…” He takes a deliberate step closer, halving the space between them. Does it with the air of stepping up to the chopping block. He waits for Leo to connect the dots. When he doesn’t, he lifts one of his hands, stopping just shy of brushing the back of Leo’s, before letting it fall again and tucking both behind his back. 

“Oh.” 

Despite his countless missteps, Aiden wanted to be closer to him. 

“Well, that’s okay.” When he realizes it sounds like giving permission he amends, “I mean, of course it’s okay. You can do whatever you want. Sleep wherever you want.” 

Aiden furrows his brow.  

“Sorry. I just mean— We never— I was worried—” Leo takes a breath. “You…” Cried yourself to sleep in my arms. “...fell asleep and I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay. I didn’t want you to be surprised when you woke up.” He sighs. “But I guess you were anyway…” 

Aiden shakes his head. “S’okay.” 

This kid would let him get away with murder…and then try to apologize like he invented death. Leo has to learn to get out ahead of these things if they’re ever going to have a chance.

“Were you—Did you have bad dreams or…” 

He lifts one shoulder in a half-shrug but doesn’t meet Leo’s gaze. 

“We’ll figure something out for tonight, yeah?” 

Aiden nods. He keeps his eyes down but he’s dropped his shoulders from his ears, hands in the pocket of the hoodie. Leo wants to wrap him up in a hug, make sure knows he was never in trouble, and tell him he never has to sleep alone again if he doesn’t want to. 

“I shouldn’t have freaked out like that,” he blurts instead. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Dark eyes search his. 

“It’s just— I panicked and I wasn’t thinking straight. After last night— After everything— It’s worse when I haven’t slept enough but it’s not your fault. It has nothing to do with you—” This word-vomit explanation is doing him no favors but he can’t seem to stop. “I promise it won’t happen again. I just want to make sure you know you didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me and I’m going to—” 

Aiden opens his mouth and closes it again. 

“What?” 

He shakes his head, dropping his gaze. 

Leo scrubs a hand over his face. “Short story long, I’m sorry for panicking.” 

Aiden peeks up at him then looks down again. Slow and deliberate, he pulls his good hand out of his pocket. He keeps it low, arm bent just enough to allow him to turn his palm up. A suggestion of an invitation, rather than an overt one, and one that could easily be missed.

Leo can’t help but smile as he squeezes Aiden’s fingers. 

Now Aiden ducks his chin against his chest in a good way. Not quite smiling but almost. 

“How about some breakfast?” 

“Mmm’yeah…mmm’thank…you…” Aiden parses the words carefully.

“Eggs and toast sound okay? I think we’re out of bacon.” 

Aiden nods. “Mhm.” 

He’s agreeing too quickly, making himself easy and accommodating. Is it because he’s afraid or does he think he has something to make up for? Either way, it feels like backward progress and Leo wonders all over again how he will ever rise to this occasion. 

But he can think of worse ways to spend the rest of the day than trying to get a real smile out of Aiden. So at least he has somewhere to start.

Previous — Masterlist — Next

@octopus-reactivated @maracujatangerine @nick-pascal @whumpy-writings @cracked-porcelain-princess

@meetmeinhellcroutons @briars7 @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jo-doe-seeking-inspo @neuro-whump

@painsandconfusion @wolfeyedwitch @skyhawkwolf @haro-whumps @onlybadendings

@peachy-panic @fillthedarkvoid @rabass @crystalquartzwhump @dont-touch-my-soup

@mylifeisonthebookshelf @hold-him-down @guachipongo @creetchure @leyswhumpdump

@aseasonwithclarasblog @catawhumpus @magziemakeswhatever @pigeonwhumps @batfacedliar-yetagain

@whumpinthepot @dustypinetree @whump-in-progress @pirefyrelight @whumps-and-bumps

@i-eat-worlds @hellodecisionparalysis @heartfullofhoney @alternateminds @taterswhump

[luxiiien]

ALWAYS. DIRTY.

[mister-riddler]

I knew this would happen.

I bet you I became paralyzed because I skipped 2 when counting by primes that day… shit shit shit

I need to be more careful.

[therapeutic007]

Reminder !

I don't know why you don't try the ICBT Workbook for OCD by Tom Jeyco. It's your chance to heal OCD and overcome intrusive thoughts in transformative way ! The Workbook Available on Amazon. _______ ❤️ ∞ 🌳 ⚓ ⭐ 🌸⭕ △ 🔥 🌙 ☀️ ⚡ 🕉 ✨

[faeryton]

ocd is so fucking strange like "you should kys for that mistake" brother it was twelve years ago i don't think it matters

[f4ggydog]

food particle/food contamination ocd gang rise up

[wildfeather5002]

Working out with OCD be like: one more rep or the sun will explode

[st7arlight]

maybe i’ve been a little extra stressed lately

[fetidfruit]

application.

──   (  sophie wilde. 23. cis woman. she/her.  ) thank god you’re here, man - have you seen TABITHA “TABI” SWALLOW anywhere? i totally lost them after their rendition of softly by clairo last night. no? they’re like, aye - high and go to LANGSTON - i think they’re a SOPHOMORE studying FASHION DESIGN? but who knows, these days. all i know is that they’re INTUITIVE & COMPASSIONATE and a CANCER . last night they kept going on and on about how they won MOST LIKELY TO BRIM WITH TEARS OVER A BEADED LAMPSHADE GATHERING DUST IN THE BACK OF AN ANTIQUE SHOP last year, which is cool and whatever, but i just wouldn’t expect it out of them, considering they’re so, like, SHY & HOPEFUL, you know? anyways - i’m going to check down by franklin & brown antiques, i think that’s where they like to hang. text me if you see them, okay? bye! / as penned by nai.  28.  gmt.

student file.

full name — . tabitha alina swallow.

nickname(s) — . tabi or tabs.

place of birth — . a home birth in a metal bath in a ramshackle commune shed. rural america somewhere but tabi gets it mixed up #memoryproblemteas

date of birth & age — . june 22nd, 23.

gender / pronouns — . woman, she/her.

sexuality — . maybe bi. undetermined.

astrology — . cancer.

dormitory — . castle fell.

interests — . sylvanian families. particularly smooth and interestingly coloured pebbles. mohair leg warmers. umbrellas with corny cartoons on bought for 99p from charity shops. attending petting zoos for mental health reasons. pastel satin ribbons in the place of normal laces. grandma adjacent antique floral sofas. tiny nonsensical purses. the fluffiest bunnies. that one image of snoopy wearing little glasses and inspecting a dress he's sewn. frida kahlo socks. addressing unjust pigeon hatred propaganda. medieval princess hats with tinkling bells on the end. homemade ceramic mugs with chips for character. stuffed toys. illustrated books about fairies. pretend tea parties. baby teeth. morning birdcall.

aversions — . cynicism. judging a book by its cover. watching wildlife documentaries where any animal gets hurt even if it's the natural order. not finding sentimentality in meaningless objects. going to bed with unbrushed teeth. ai art. plain rugs without character. leaving out that one friend because the pavement's too small. coffee. the stale musk of unwashed laundry. sofas without cutesy eccentric cushions. badly wrapped store bought sushi. when people kill bugs. taking off her npc cartoon character jewellery that she has to wear always. being asked a question in a roomful of strangers. wordy philosophy books. the fact people don't speak like animal crossing characters with real life subtitles.

quirks — . always wears either flats or kitten heels STRONGLY believes in comfort n resents anything taller for encumbering feet. sometimes wears long dainty dresses jst to take the trash out bc it makes her feel nice. forever a smidge startled if u address her directly bc she can't quite believe it. sometimes gets overwhelmed in public spaces n puts on these dingy pastel headphones out of nowhere. has the nonsensical urge to try n befriend any given animal even if it could maul her. hates littering so ends up putting trash in pockets n carrying around trash w her at all times bc she forgets to empty them / her bag. picks things most ppl hate as her favourite so they don't somehow learn abt it n feel left out even if inanimate.

most played — storm in summer by skullcrusher.

notable features — . big watery boba alien eyes. pastel nail polish (picks it into disarray often). tiny pea head.

general disposition — . nervous. tender. newborn fawn vibes.

public record.

as i mentioned prev, tabi was born in a metal bath tub in a dingy shed on a rural lot far off the grid in somewhereville america. CULT TW her mother ws actually indoctrinated into a group living on a self sustaining commune n tabi was the product of her n the leader's #copulation. tbh tabi cld honestly have multiple half-siblings without knowing abt it bc of this bc he was Busy! she grew to b about 3 ish maybe b4 the group was disbanded by the authorities n bc of the conditions occurring there was some to-ing and fro-ing b4 ultimately it was decided tabi's mother wasn't fit to raise her any mre So! she entered into the system pretty young n bebe

PTSD, TRAUMA TW tabi doesn't remember a whole lot of details abt her childhood. it's more these little flashes n images w vignetted corners. sometimes she'll see a kid alone on a swing in a certain degree of sunlight n it'll jog smthn bt she won't be able to put her finger on it. she gets this uncomfortable sinking feeling in churches listening to the pastor give his sermons n seeing hw trusting everyone in the pews looks. smthn abt authority curdles in her tummy like bad milk. mayb this is part of why she's so bad at enacting it herself. a vast majority of tabi's childhood is a patchwork quilt w squares missing. when she tries to warm herself in the cloak of it she can't help bt shiver

NEGLECT TW tabi wound up being fostered by a couple who relied on each tiny head in their home as another source of government funded income. every day was a scrap to earn ur place and tabi was often overlooked as a result. i kind of picture her as the runt of the litter guinea pig who always got butted out of the way to munch from a bowl of sunflower seeds. she'd jst sort of blink in the corner n pick over what she cld when the best was already spoken for

there were small silver linings. a foster sibling w whom tabi banded together for a short bt nourishing 2 yrs and taught her what family feels like. they were relocated fr behavioural difficulties at school n tabi was unable to maintain contact bt they hold a special place in tabi's heart still. she hopes the stars shine extra bright wherever they are now. (possible wc tbh)

tabi also learned how to b resourceful. being a foster kid in the house that she was, her allocated toy was a dingy sylvanian cat with an ink stained ear and elongated whiskers. tabi cherished her like the most valuable asset any person cld ever fathom to imagine possessing n spent quiet lunchtimes in the art classroom crafting miniature clothes out of odd materials

this ws a whole gateway into tabi's favourite form of expression. designing and making clothes was where she shined. it some experimentation on a sylvianian toy scale b4 she felt brave enough to move to real person sizes bt tabi made it work bc she jst pretended she was a giant sylvanian too n adapted measurements accordingly. besides it made thrifted clothes otherwise a bit worse for wear something more fun n interesting when she embroidered patterns with cheap thread or painted orchids and birds of paradise up the pant legs.

when tabi reached 16 she received a letter in the mail. her foster mother watched with a squint as she carefully pried it open. it ws from her birth mother.

they still keep in touch 2 this day. its sporadic without any consistency to it n her mum is quite all over the place to put it lightly bt tabi has a lot of patience n understands that her mum is just a bit different to other people. she doesnt blame her for any of it. it's kind of sad bc tabi ends up advising her on her life rather than vice versa n is more of the parent than the child in many ways

me realising ive gone on way too long abt her story growing up like omgggg aha stoppppp. anyway got scholarship to langston fr fashion design n has been self sufficient scraping by since 18 so. hits the whip.

personal details.

frm an outside perspective tabi is quite literally akin to her namesake n like a skittish stray tabby cat. it takes her a minute to feel comfortable in an unfamiliar social situation n she tends to sort of jst be quiet n shut down bc she doesn't think her input is needed unless it's specifically asked fr

that SAID sometimes she jst meshes w ppl n feels comfy from the get go. it's rly a case by case basis n she doesn't have a criteria for it its more of a gut feeling / vibe tht sort of puts her at ease. mayb like a kindred soul underlying everything situation. or like. idk this person has something abt them that feels like they might Understand. u know???? nods n walks away without further explanation

vry creatively inclined. likes weird little trinkets n is EXCESSIVELY sentimental abt almost anything, even a random stone she picked off a beach 7 yrs ago. intensely crafty n loves making thoughtful gifts fr ppl out of nowhere someones literally jst minding their business then tabis like um hi so i made u this tea cosy bc u said mugs burn ur hands when theyre too hot one time n i figured it might help :) the person like wtf. do i know u?

OCD TW struggles w self imposed rules n numbering things. always hd to check she locked her door by trying the handle 3 times afterwards. idk mayb it's bc she's had so little control in her upbrigning but also had to Be in control so consistently throughout her life that it feels like there's this immense pressure to get everything right n no margin for error bt. ya. hangs head.

relates a lot to patchwork teddy bears. feels like a mismatched amalgamation of every place she's ever been n every person she's ever loved or loathed. so intent on finding the light in any dark situation tht even if it was pitch black she'd squeeze her eyes shut so tight she'd conjure phantom stars on the backs of her eyelids. sometimes looks for the good even when it isn't there </3

That Girl who secretly reads fantasy books abt faerie smut To Cope. except coping jst means mentally leaving ur body for a couple of hrs to laugh at feyre fr her core "pulsing with heat" over a hand kiss as if tabi wldnt react the same. it's complex.

[secretgcrdens]

(raymond ablack, thirty-three, cis man, he/him) you do not know me but rest assured i know you, MISTER AVINASH 'AVI' PERSAUD. you are the TUTOR TO THE TON’S NOBLE CHILDREN. you may be be known for your INTELLIGENCE but it is only a mask for the true nature of your NAIVE ways. however, i am not here to spread slander on the queen’s jewels, though i suspect you are her SODALITE. the ton says your name reminds them of A NOSE ALWAYS BURIED IN A BOOK, KNOWING IT IS BETTER TO LOVE THAN TO HATE,HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ACROSS COBBLESTONES, AND SCRIBBLED NOTES IN THE MARGINS OF BOOKS. how scandalous! you have been warned, dear reader, that i will prove if this is true and share every last detail.

basics

name : mister avinash 'avi persaud age : 33 1sexuality : pansexual personality : (+) intelligent, benevolent, & gentle (-) naive, disorganized, & timid

family

father : deceased mister vraj father mother : miss aaditi lakhani siblings : mister ravi lakhani (40's)

death mention tw, ocd tw

'i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere; fell behind all my classmates and ended up here'

background

avi grew up in a well-off, but not noble family with doting, supportive parents and an older brother he always looked up to and still does to this day. his parents encouraged avi to follow his dreams and that lead him to oxford university. there, he spent years diving into as much knowledge as he could possibly consume. he'd always been naturally intelligent, but he'd also had severe OCD that he battled with, and it often manifested during his studies, feeling as if he didn't get a perfect score, something terrible would happen to his family, friends, or the world in general. he was the top of his class, but still feared he wasn't good enough and his OCD got the best of him, causing him to fall behind — it took time, but he finally fought through it and graduated oxford with the highest marks. following graduation, avi's father passed away unexpectedly and avi will never forgive himself for it. mister vraj lakhani wanted his son to be a tutor, to share is wealth of knowledge to the younger generation and that led to where avi is today! he's running from noble house to noble house, tutoring! he's a patient and gentle teacher and he just loves his students! he feels like it's his true purpose!

summary

a true NERD!!!! a total sweetheart, always running from place to place dropping his belongings on the street, naive as HECK, never been kissed, GENTLE, despite being friendly, he's timid and stammers sometimes and blushes EASY !

wanted connections can be found here !

[cloyingblccd]

──   (  rachel zegler. twenty-two. demi woman. she/they.  ) thank god you’re here, man - have you seen JUNIE BACALSO - COUGHLAN anywhere? i totally lost them after their rendition of fortunate son by credence clearwater revival last night. no? they’re like, aye - high and go to LANGSTON - i think they’re a junior studying DOUBLE MAJOR IN CHEMISTRY AND ZOOLOGY? but who knows, these days. all i know is that they’re FORTHRIGHT, VIGILANT and a VIRGO. last night they kept going on and on about how they won MOST LIKELY TO PUT A CURSE ON LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM last year, which is cool and whatever, but i just wouldn’t expect it out of them, considering they’re so, like, CAVALIER and STEADFAST, you know? anyways - i’m going to check down by the book stew, i think that’s where they like to hang. text me if you see them, okay? bye! / as penned by bri.  27.  est.

student file.

full name — junie bristol bacalso-coughlan.

nickname(s) — n/a.

place of birth — saratoga springs, new york.

date of birth & age — september 7, twenty-two.

gender / pronouns — demi woman, she/they.

sexuality — queer.

occupation — student at langston university.

astrology — virgo.

dormitory — tba.

interests — being right. the fantasy and sci-fi genre. red lipstick. tulle. cookie dough ice cream. chem labs. flirting. peach iced tea. her voodoo dolls. sheer nightgowns. getting things just right. cancelled game show minute to win it hosted by guy fieri. perfecting all the games in cancelled game show minute to win it hosted by guy fieri. shots that don’t taste like alcohol. fleetwood mac’s entire lore. making plans. travelling. gossip. affection. bar trivia.

aversions — vulnerability. growing attached. the entire concept of lindsey buckingham as a human. bad tv and movie remakes. soulmates. doing second best on a project or test. having to continue conversation once you’ve lost interest. group projects. imperfection. staining her clothes at the beginning of a night out. getting sloppy drunk. hangxiety. sharing her bed. sports games. sweaty men as a result of sports games. 

quirks — learned to hem and sew all her own clothes at six when she was tired of having to wait for someone else to do it. has a retro flip phone that is barely still chugging along that she’s stuck a lestat sticker onto the back of. constantly having furrowed brows. the world’s smallest lisp that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to her ears.

most played — bleed to love her by fleetwood mac.

notable features — a pronounced underbite, causing her slight lisp. hair almost always crimped and pinned into early 2000’s chic styles. large eyes that seem to see right through someone.

general disposition — curt and polished.

character study — daria morgendorffer ( daria ) & mai ( avatar the last airbender ).

public record.

when junie was 3 she was adopted by the people she would call her parents - she has no recollection of what her life was like for the first 3 years of her life, just knew that her birth grandparents eventually called child protective services on her birth mom who was deemed unfit to raise her

from a young age her dads knew that she was brilliant but it came with signs of distress, unable to leave or enter the house without them checking her bed and closet at least three times, sobbing at preschool because she’d forgotten to say goodbye to each of her stuffies and was scared they’d be mad at her - even though she’d said bye to each of them multiple times

one parent took this in stride, working closely with junie’s doctors and therapists to work out a diagnosis; ocd. her other parent seemed to view these circumstances as a burden, taking them away from work, always harping about how he was the main benefactor and they were running his health insurance dry with all these appointments

when she was 8 came the straw that broke the camels back - one parent wanted to move across the states for a job opportunity, while the other knew that abrupting junie and her siblings’ life would ruin their family. so he stayed behind, continuing to take junie to her appointments, to school, did the same for all her siblings, while picking up more work at his job as well to help make ends meet while his husband was across the country, contact lessening more and more

about five months after he moved, junie’s dad back home got the call that his husband not only had an affair, but was divorcing him and cutting contact completely with the family. it’d been a call from his now ex-husband’s lawyer</3

though he refused to let his kids see, junie knew her dad was heartbroken, could hear him crying at night when he’d thought all the kids had gone to bed :( his ex-husband had left them with a mortgage and doctor’s appointments he couldn’t afford but continued to make ends meet nonetheless

at 12, the family seemed to hit their first big break - her dad had won a vacation to the philippines through work, and on this trip the family’s life changed when her dad met and fell in love with one of the locals

from there, junie can only really remember happiness<3 she made a new best friend in her now sister marijoy, and their dad was a lot nicer than her dad’s ex husband. the decision to move them to the states when they went home came approached quickly but was the unanimous decision made by all

junie was free to considering seeing the doctor’s she needed to and has since been able to manage her ocd well, and it helped her excel in school her entire life, leading to double major at langston - it only made sense that she would follow her sister in schooling, feeling rather protective of marijoy’s more lighthearted and naive ways

personal details.

is one of those freaky science whiz kids but she wore it as a badge of honour growing up and still does

though she loves her parents, she thinks romantic love and soulmates etc. is all a bit Childish and Below Her, feels like she doesn’t have time to mess around with it or relationships

is determined to work as a chemist for NASA when she graduates though she plans on doing a masters, doctorate, as much as she can

feels like having sex with people gives her the upper hand, makes it easier to take control of where the relationship will go and staunch anything romantic where it lands

is pretty open about the fact that a face is a face and she’s attracted to who she’s attracted to but has never actually slept with a woman cuz she couldn’t care less if she has bad sex with a man but if she disappoints a woman during sex she’ll have to retire her sexual career entirely.

rly can’t handle being second best or having someone who rivals her academically, puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on herself in that sense

is determined to get everything done her way on her own time, hates relying on ppl

weirdly affectionate for someone who constantly acts like she hates everyone

is Fiercely protective of her siblings, once took out her dad’s old crutch out of the garage from when he fractured his ankle and beat a senior with it when she was a freshman bc he made fun of one of her siblings (still did her homework religiously every day at home during her two week suspension)

her vice when she finally decides to let loose is to drink excessively, says she’s only allowed to party when she wants it to happen of course she’s going to let loose (the crowd is concerned)

regularly enters a rabbit hole and will pile on more than she can handle, has a panic attack over things she can't control, then pretends nothing happens<3 no one saw anything<3

desired  plots.

the giver. someone please open her eyes and rock her world lesbianically. bonus points if it’s the only person junie can’t have a civilised conversation with bc of Crushing Massively. (0/1)

academic rival. the only person whose been able to hold their own against junie and she hates it. every time they’ve gotten a higher grade on a project or test than her is another year she curses off their life. (0/1)

one night stand/hook ups. would have a handful of these and would definitely ghost the next day.

fwb. the one (1) friend of hers that she doesn’t hold at arms length post anything sexual between them. perhaps they have won her over…… who’s to say……. not her that’s for sure. (0/1)

almost something. the one person who maybe cracked through junie’s tough side and got close with her, they’d even been on dates and maybe things were leading to something more serious before she ended things abruptly and refused to speak to them again. (0/1)

i am also open to anything and everything the world? is our oyster<3

[lesbian-elrond]

Day in the life of me, a person who has severe contamination/infection OCD and also an autistic special interest in infectious disease

- had a half hour panic attack in which I ran out of my flat and paced around the city and cried because my mother sneezed

- immediately started watching a thriller series about Ebola

[spookymultimedia]

[nebulabasket]

CW: vent about moral OCD

Moral OCD sucks. I hate having OCD. Please let me just separate myself from the constant discourse and arguing and doom and gloom and enjoy my interests in peace just for a little while. I promise it won't be the end of the world if I stop and take care of myself for a little while. It's not selfish to care about my own mental health. It's not my personal responsibility to save everyone in the world. That's too much pressure. I'm not an evil world-destroying genocidal bigot if I give myself some space. Please. I'm tired.