#of people just outright being like no that's impossible go away or no you're reading too much into it

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Someone: Gwen's story is a trans allegory - there's clear parallels of her hiding her secret identity and being closeted as a transfem that enrich her story and arc while representing queer youth-

Audience: *cheers and claps*

Me: I agree and also Miguel's story is a trans allegory - there's clear parallels of his injections and desire for roles like fatherhood being like HRT and social transition, that enriches his story and arc while representing transmas-

Audience: *Begins to BOO me vehemently* *A rotten tomato flies from the crowd and knocks me unconscious*

[oddeyes588]

So... Lostbelt 6 part 2 is out and it's great! I haven't finished it yet but uh... I gotta address something. And it's this scene.

Good scene, right? Beautiful CG, some insight into the way Castoria thinks... but there's something wrong with this scene.

It's translated wrong.

Now if you're like me and you've been keeping up with fan translations for FGO, you may have realized this already, but this translation fundamentally misses the entire point of the scene.

This is what Castoria is supposed to be saying:

I don't want to see her. I don't want to be shown her. She's too much. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to acknowledge it.

After all.

She has no equal. Takes no refuge. No one who understands her. None who can comfort her.

She receives no reward. No goals. No rest. She cannot afford failure, not even a single mistake.

Ah—from the bottom of my heart, I think: "no."

Just how cruel must it be for everyone to smile and acknowledge a king like that?

Do you see the difference? This is a defining scene concerning Castoria's character. Something that sets her apart from every other iteration of Artoria that we've known so far (barring the Servantverse ones). Castoria sees the way of life that her PHH self chose and is repulsed. She can't stand to think about it. At first it seems like she's just buckling under the weight of those expectations, but in reality, Castoria just can't stand to see her.

She can't stand to see this other version of herself willingly throw away her humanity for the sake of an ideal. To give up her own happiness, to give up any chance of ever being understood, all to become a perfect king who the people will love and praise, but never truly understand.

It is a lonely existence, and like a certain redhead in Fate/Stay Night, she can't accept it. Who could bear to live like that? Who would want to live like that? Castoria wants nothing more than to be happy. She wants to make friends her age, eat sweets with them, go shopping with them and walk down the street while holding their hands. She wants to LIVE, and the thought of giving all of that up for the sake of everybody but yourself...

Noble? Sure. But it's mostly just tragic.

That's what this scene is about. Establishing exactly how Castoria feels about her Proper Human History self. She doesn't admire her, if anything it HURTS to see her, to know what she went through, to know what she did.

So WHY was it translated like this?

I'm the only one of my kind. I have nowhere to run. No one understands me. Romance is out of the question.

There's no reward. No finish line. no rest. I can't make so much as a single mistake.

Ahh... So many things I'll never have.

How cruel would I have to be for everyone to accept a king like me with a smile?

Listen, Castoria thinking of her own struggles in parallel to Saber's is interesting, and it isn't NOT there... but that isn't the point of the scene, and foregrounding it like this is uh...

It sure is a decision, that's for sure.

It's not necessarily bad, but it just doesn't fit due to the obvious reason that this isn't what the scene is supposed to be. This scene isn't Castoria seeing a vision of Saber and going "wow, how am I going to live up to this?" as if Saber's story is aspirational.

No. It's a tragedy, and what Castoria is actually thinking is "that's cruel and fucked up"

Anyways I just felt like putting this out there... and before anybody jumps down my throat about how the fan-translation could've been wrong... I did bring this up with a friend who can read Japanese and went to read the node in Japanese. While you could argue that because Caster and Artoria are acknowledged to be different versions of the same person, that Caster is using "I" to refer to the other, but the last line is just outright wrong. The scene is fundamentally about the cruelty of everyone around Saber placing an impossible burden on her, and how Castoria feels seeing that.

[queerfables]

I LOVE picking at Christianity (my major is Abrahamic Religions lmao), but in a Good Omens context I always feel the need to point out that Neil and Terry had "no horse in this race" either- the condemning of homosexuality thing is a uniquely Christian interpretation, and Good Omens is a satire of Christianity written by an atheist and a Jewish person. There's another part of the book where Aziraphale criticizes Christianity as a whole for the commercialization of religion. So given the repeated emphasis on Aziraphale's association with queerness, and that GO doesn't shy away from critiquing religion, maybe we are meant to take this one at face Christian value. Especially considering that Sandalphon becomes outright violent with Aziraphale. The scene in the book where Aziraphale brings THIS up as an example of Heaven's cruelty, not Job or the Flood, and they sit in tense, solemn silence for a minute can be reinterpreted in the show as the 1967 scene, where Aziraphale gives Crowley a suicide pill the same year that sodomy became decriminalized in the UK. The constant theme of them being fearful of getting caught and Crowley mentioning having to pretend they're not a couple. You're right about Sodom and Gomorrah- but I think it's intended to be a homophobia thing, here.

Hmm, this is a complicated one because like - I do think that on some level, themes are more important than facts in the way Good Omens approaches Christianity. But also, Neil Gaiman has read the Bible. And I just don't see any way that you can read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah and think that a queer person would identify themselves with the rapists who died there.

There are stories where queer people are villainised but in a queer reading remain sympathetic, and it turns their fate into a tragedy. This really isn't one of them. It isn't even about queer people. The sexual acts threatened are all about cruelty and power.

In my opinion, the right wing Christian understanding of Sodom and Gomorrah is damaging to the queer community precisely because it characterises violent gang rape as a reasonable commentary on queer relationships. I don't know if you can take the story at face Christian value and still effectively satirise Christian homophobia. That said, and probably this is what you mean, I do think you can rewrite the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to be about unjust punishment for queer love if you reframe the story that appears in the Bible as outrageous propaganda that's covering up something else.

My favourite version of this is one that totally doubles down on that horror of getting caught that you're talking about. This isn't what I think Neil would do with the story if he ever revisited it in depth, and it's soooo fucking tragic, but it would add so much baggage to Crowley and Aziraphale's dynamic that I can't help spinning it around in my mind like a pinwheel.

Like, ok, I know it's early, so early in their 6000 year situationship, but what if there was something between Crowley and Aziraphale, even then? I mean, what if something happened between them? And what if, that night in Sodom, Sandalphon found out?

It's a nightmare thought. It makes me feel sick to even contemplate. Knowing how the story ends - for Sodom and Gomorrah, for Crowley and Aziraphale - it's impossible not to see the consequences spiralling out from this mistake.

Sandalphon knows. Every interaction with him from then on becomes fraught with the secret he's holding over Aziraphale. Even if Sandalphon likes the prolonged fear and leverage he gets out of keeping this to himself more than the sadistic joy of outing Aziraphale, Aziraphale's fate is still in the hands of someone who despises him. He's never going to feel safe again.

Sodom and Gomorrah are razed to the ground. In the story's telling, the people who died are transformed into monsters, even though their only sin was shielding a demon who dared to know an angel.

(And Crowley tries, for them. He refuses their shelter. He tells them to believe whatever they hear about him. He flees into the night and hopes that when Sandalphon catches up he'll be far enough from the city to make a difference. But they know Crowley, round these parts. They know men like Sandalphon, too. When Sandalphon questions them on where Crowley is, not a single person will talk.

Aziraphale tries, too. Before he ran, Crowley took all the blame onto himself, taunting Sandalphon as though he'd forced himself on Aziraphale, a last desperate bid to protect him. But Aziraphale sees the holy fury in Sandalphon's eyes as he presses the people for answers, and he can't let anyone else suffer for him. He tells Sandalphon the truth. He begs Sandalphon to spare the city. And when Sandalphon looks at him with calm contempt and doesn't say a single word, Aziraphale realises he already knew.

Sodom and Gomorrah are razed to the ground, and Crowley and Aziraphale watch them burn. Crowley is Lot's wife, looking back on the destruction, and to be turned into a pillar of salt would be a kindness. Aziraphale is Lot's son-in-law, unable to get out, unable to believe it's happening until it's raining down around him.

The people of Sodom hold their ground. Sandalphon decides they're beyond saving. If they won't give Crowley up, they can burn for his crimes in his stead.)

It's their transgression but they aren't the ones paying the cost. And the cost is too fucking high. That's the whole story, right there. They are never going to talk about this. There isn't anything to say. For as long as they are an angel and a demon - for as long as they belong to Heaven and Hell - they are never going to touch each other again.

[earako]

Baby steps

There was one thought that kept cycling through Ambrosius mind that bothered him. It was just a small little nudge at first, he'd thought the concern would fade with time, would fade as he and Ballister remapped their relationaship.

He thought it would fade with the return of Nimona.

It didn't. If anything the nudge grew into a push, then a shove. Then it was outright punching the squishy brain tissue in Ambrosius head until finally he blurted it out, "It could have been anyone."

Ballister's humming stopped. Nimona pulled their headphones off and turnef away from the stove where they were cooking breakfast tacos for lunch. ("They're lunch tacos now, boss, cause we're having them for lunch.")

"What was that, love?" Ballister asked, setting down his mug as he leaned forward to place a hand on top of Ambrosius'.

"I...it's nothing."

"The same nothing that's been bugging you for the past two months?" Nimona asked from the stove. Ambrosius startled. "How- you- was it that obvious?"

"Dude. 1000 years old, remember? You learn how to read people." Nimona said with an eye roll, not in an annoyed manner, moreso in a 'these mortals I swear' sort of way.

"Right...right..."

"Ambrosius?" Metal fingers lightly squeezed Ambrosius hand. He sighed, tried to word what he wanted to say in his head. Sighed again.

"I was...I was thinking of the director." Nimona stuck out their tongue and scrunched up their face. "Ew, gross."

"I'm with Nimona here, love. Why would you waste brain space on that woman?" Ballister asked, his head tilting in confusion.

He had a point. The director had hurt all three of them severely, she should be the last thing on Ambrosius mind.

But the thing was...

"I was just thinking...I think what made the director so terrifying was that she could have been anyone." Nimona quirked an eyebrow up at him. It seemed like she had an idea as to what Ambrosius was trying to get at but waited for him to say it himself

"You wanna expand on that, Goldie?"

"I mean, I," Ambrosius huffed as he tried to gather this thoughts. "All that talk about always being on our guard, always being alert for threats...always wanting to protect the realm. It's what we were all taught."

"Right, the brainwashing."

"Nimona, let him finish," Ballister scolded with no real heat behind it. He nodded at Ambrosius to continue.

"No, no Nimona's right, it was brainwashing, I mean," Ambrosius gestured with his free arm to Ballisters prosthetic, "This? Messed up, training people to attack as a reflex? And-and if they get paranoid enough, if they see danger everywhere, the director said Nimona was a threat to our way of life but the only real threat was her-" Ambrosius breath sped up, his hands moving to grip at his hair.

"Hey Goldie-"

"Ambrosius-"

"The way we lived -created- the director. Her crimes were a direct byproduct of our very society and-and how are we gonna fix that? How are we gonna undo decades of mental programming-"

One pair of arms grasped his shoulder while another tore his hands way from his hair.

"Goldie, you keep that up and you're gonna go bald."

"What Nimona is trying to say," Ballister growled with a glare at the shapeshifter, "is you're worrying yourself with facts we already know."

"What boss said. Goldie, look, now you know you were wrong, good, great even. But yanking your hair out isn't gonna undo the things the director did, the things you or Gloreth did. What was that you said, boss? Baby steps?" Another nod from Ballister.

"We're- there's always going to be people like the director. All we can do is make sure their voices stay as a minority. This'll take time, Ambrosius and it'll be hard, but it won't be impossible. Alright?"

"I..." Now that Ambrosius thought about it he felt a little silly for his freakout. Of course Ballister and Nimona wouldn't let them turn back to the director's ways. What was he so scared about?

He took Ballister and Nimona's hands in his own, giving them a light squeeze

"Yeah, alright."

[silencedrage]

the way that van cannot stand conflict drives me a little feral ngl. even when she has every reason to be angry or bitter or snappy, she cannot fucking stand when other people feel bad.

the thing with jackie dragging shauna out of the plane and leaving van behind? van has EVERY RIGHT to be pissed at jackie forever for that, or for at least far longer than she showed on the show. but even when she throws it back in jackie's face, she cuts herself off before crossing the line that can't be uncrossed, which imo is telling anyone (namely tai). because you absolutely know that if tai had known what jackie did, there is no fucking way that she would ever have forgiven jackie for it, and maybe even shauna, and i think van knows that.

growing up with an alcoholic for a mom meant that van learned very early on how to mediate and read the room. as a child, her survival depended on it and it became a natural instinct to read body language and between the lines of what people aren't saying. she knows taissa and she knows jackie and she clocks that they're in an impossible fucking situation, and what would telling tai do other than create even more friction than what was already there? van knows skirting that conflict is more important than her own vindication and she never brings it up.

i honestly even think that after the first few days, van is mostly over it? not over it in the sense that she's not freaking out about having a near death experience and everything else that's going on, but i think she's over the idea of being angry at jackie for it. she makes a couple comments, gives the cold shoulder to jackie, but she doesn't take it much further than that.

and then jackie pushes her out of the way of the plane's propeller, and even though i fully groaned when she was like "hey that makes us even, right?" (and honestly so did van), it kinda clued them into the fact that jackie was still angsting about what happened. she still felt bad over making a decision in a terrible circumstance and van doesn't really think it's productive for her to keep doing that. i think it's important that she doesn't outright ever tell jackie that it's fine, but i think a part of van stops holding it over her head as much because she doesn't like the way that jackie's guilt makes her feel.

there are a few other moments with taissa where she does the same. top of mind moments are in ep 7 when they're all laying down for the night and tai's about to give a speech, and van cuts her off to be like "we don't need another speech, we need to sleep" and it's uncharacteristically short for her. and then half a second later, she can't stand the awkward silence so she says she'll take first watch because she needs to smooth over the conflict because otherwise it makes her anxious.

another moment it happens is in 2x06 (my rewatch of the ep sparked this entire post) when they're talking about what the other tai said and tai's like "maybe she meant you and me?" and van literally scoffs and says no and there's a shot of tai looking like a kicked puppy and AGAIN van can't deal with that look and she's just like "no i have to take care of me, we can't do this, you're married, etc etc etc" and i just weep about van palmer and her desperate need to avoid conflict and how that manifests even when she has every right to be furious and bitter.

and she's not perfect! she loses her temper a lot but she tries not to let it linger. she's incapable of letting it fester. she says what she means and then covers it up immediately with a joke or a throw away quip and i want to peel back all of the layers of different archetypes van encompasses because liv and lauren give such layered performances that it makes me want to die

[tinytrucks]

Thinking of using this space again as a journal just to have a place to vent that a little less public. I mean, its still public for sure but its much less "out there" then fb or any of that.

So, first two and maybe only relationships down the drain.

Pretty disappointed that this one fizzled out but I suppose it should've been expected. We were so....different. I know they say "opposites attract" but we were SO opposite we were just pushing apart all of the time. It just wasn't working. But lord did we try. For almost seven whole years. Lord nearly a whole decade I spent with this man. Its for sure gonna be hard to move on from him, no matter how different we were or how much we used to be in conflict.

I wonder what the universe has in store for me next. Will I be alone for the rest of my life? After these two bouts at "love" I honestly don't super think I'd mind being alone forever. Not really. Maybe when I'm very old, I don't know. There is just so much about me being in a relationship that felt so wrong. Or was it just the relationship I was in that was wrong? Who knows. Certainly not I.

Maybe I've never been in a "right" relationship.

I know I've always picked my relationships. They've never outright picked me, i've always been the one to start them and I think if i never did I would be a 32 year old virgin for sure. Prolly would never have been kissed or anything had I not chosen it myself.

It sort of sucks to know that truly no one out there would actively have chosen to be with you or seek you out in any sort of romantic manner but then again I don't SUPER hate the idea of being alone. More often than not I'm comfortable with the idea. I have the moments of loneliness. I have these moments of desperation. I'll feel so empty. But those moments pass pretty quick if I'm being honest with myself.

I remember the small time where i was alone, I was pretty happy and mildly confident and i spent a lot of time just dressing myself and making funny videos and stuff. Perhaps that's what it'll be like this time around EXCEPT this time I have a whole SON.

That changes literally everything. Its too bad I cant just like give up and die or something you know? After being dumped this second time it would be nice to be like "well shit aint really working out in this life, BYE" cuz now would be a nice time to just finally just be gone from this earth. Just quietly just slip away FINALLY. But now I have a child and so I have to actually TRY. lol That's funny. Cuz I really will try my hardest for him. I guess now I have to find a better job. A career. Cuz it'll just be me and him. So have to make real money. Gotta find a way to get us a little house in a nice neighborhood. Somehow. Man. How? Alone?

I know that there are tons of single mothers who do it alone and do it well but it seems so impossible right now. The first year of single motherhood is probably the hardest I'm sure.

Eventually things will be more public and i guess i can ask people for more advice but for now things are burning slow. Gotta get my own place first and then everything else from there. Hopefully the pieces fall into place well.

Maybe my work friends will get me stuff for my apartment. That's just me being hopeful of course. But heck they are all pretty darn nice so who knows.

Anyway now I sort of feel like I'm just writing just to write, no longer venting so I should probably stop for now. But this was good. Ill probably be using this more. Yeah. This was a good idea. i don't really have anywhere else and if anyone reads this then its oh well, right? I don't have to much to hide anymore. Who does these days lol

Hey, future Lory. How'd things go? Remember this time of your life? Things were pretty crazy man. Never felt like things would be even again but hopefully they are next time you're reading this, I wish you the best. Love you.

Man who even uses Tumblr anymore? I wouldn't be surprised if I lose all this one day lol But at least I got it out right? lol

[hard-core-super-star]

damn, what were you doing waking up at 5am??? fiiine, since you are asking 🙄 nah, it's okay, it's not like your answer didn't exactly confirm that the jury likes me to much for that.

I'M LITERALLY BEGGING YOU!! STOP BEING RIGHT AND HAVING VALID ARGUMENTS KQHSKWKWKAK 😭😭😭😭😭 this way I'm up against the wall, it's difficult to defend myself. something tells me we'll be disagreeing about something again. more down than me impossible. I think this answers it.

actually, I think it would only shine bright because the literal star's reason for using it would like to see it 😶 I see you like getting a reaction out of people lmao. here ✉️ a letter for you, I hope you like it- I was about to ask why it would be funny ksjskskak that must suck. but anyway, thanks for the answer, the research was done successfully and will be used soon. yes, this has its points, life is too short to not enjoy it and cling to these chains, but it is long enough for regret to eat away at you, so falling in love regardless of all this is better than living with regret, I think. I hope that made sense.

sorry kahskwkwkk but what can I do if you make me laugh? DON'T- don't even bring the sad eyes emoji into this conversation!! I was going to suggest that my cat could definitely be friends with yours, but apparently your cats are bullies?? LMAO. I'm sorry but I'm always on the cat's side sooooo-

I think that's exactly why I started reading your fics kdhskakk you just do a good job writing these things and I like it. (well, at the time you sent it it probably was, but now it's night 😭 but I accept your good morning anyway :) “too bad I can't share it” I can feel that you're not feeling so bad about it lmao. but you're right and I'll be dying of curiosity about it)

– 🌟

my cats woke me up ‘cause they were hungry 🙃 so then i checked my phone and saw your messages. what was i supposed to do, not reply? HEY, what did i say about those eyerolls? i don't know what you're talking about 😶

you're begging??? wow, i’m kind of proud of myself for getting that reaction out of you. i can't help it though, i can't just turn off my brain 😅 idk, i think you might like the way it feels…just a thought 🤷 i’m very glad to hear that, and yeah, i think we’ve started the process already.

akskskjsjd true, true but the literal star shines bright enough of her own already. tell me more about this reason? yeah, it helps with the overthinking thing. awww, thank you, i’ll put it next to my stars and cherish it deeply. akskdkjd yeah, it does suck lmao. i’m not even going to ask how tf you're going to use this research but okay. yeah, it makes sense and i agree, as painful as it is, pain is better than not living…or living with regret. not the chain metaphor reminding me of michelangelo again 😶

aksjdjdjsjsj once again, HOW is my pain funny??? i’m seriously considering the sad eyes emoji! i mean…can’t argue there, my cats are definitely bullies. it's the trauma okay, leave them alone. so you won't take my side? you already know what i’m going to threaten you with again.

akskdjjd wait, now i’m curious, what was the first fic you read from me? [akskdjdj it’s the thought that counts, right? hmmm, maybe a little bad…but only a little. i’m sure you might be able to figure it out without me outright saying it]

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[turtle-paced]

(1/2) Hey, I've been scrolling through your tumblr (really love your content!), but there's one point of divergence I wanted to address: I think you're far too sympathetic with Daenerys's actions in Slaver's Bay... She didn't really want to free the slaves, she wanted her army and so freeing them was a convenient move. Her whole conquest is about deceiving others and there's a lot of arbitrariness in how she ruled Meereen. Those three metas talk about this better than I ever could:

I’m familiar with the meta. I think I need to break this down a bit, and my reply will be long. It boils down to damn skippy I’m sympathetic to Dany - but that doesn’t mean I think she’s an angel.

First, the argument that Dany only wanted an army and freed the Unsullied out of convenience is a flat and absurd misread. It’s true that she set out wanting an army and an army alone, and willing to look past the human cost.

Slaves, Dany thought. Khal Drogo would drive them downriver to one of the towns on Slaver’sBay. She wanted to cry, but she told herself that she must be strong. This is war, this is what itlooks like, this is the price of the Iron Throne.

- Dany VII, AGoT

“What use are wealthy friends if they will not put their wealth at your disposal, my queen? If Magister Illyrio would deny you, he is only Xaro Xhoan Daxos with four chins. And if he issincere in his devotion to your cause, he will not begrudge you three shiploads of trade goods.What better use for his tiger skins than to buy you the beginnings of an army?”

That’s true. Dany felt a rising excitement.

- Dany I, ASoS

But then character development strikes. She can’t look past what she sees in Astapor, no matter how much she needs an army. Ser Barristan points out another path for her to take.

“Ser Jorah was a slaver himself, Your Grace,” the old man reminded her. “There are sellswordsin Pentos and Myr and Tyrosh you can hire. A man who kills for coin has no honor, but at leastthey are no slaves. Find your army there, I beg you.”

- Dany II, ASoS

She does not believe this is a viable option, as she tells Ser Barristan, and this does have a lot to do with her pride…but still, she can’t ignore what is done to the slaves of Astapor. When faced with the intolerable option of buying the Unsullied in good faith (more on that in a bit) and the intolerable option of giving up on Westeros, Dany chooses to free Astapor’s captives and call for their service as she would the service of free men.

And Astapor’s former slaves respond.

“Missandei is no longer a slave. I free you, from this instant. Come ride with me in the litter, I wish to talk.” Rakharo helped them in, and Dany drew the curtains shut against the dust and heat.“If you stay with me you will serve as one of my handmaids,” she said as they set off. “I shallkeep you by my side to speak for me as you spoke for Kraznys. But you may leave my servicewhenever you choose, if you have father or mother you would sooner return to.”

“This one will stay,” the girl said. “This one… I… there is no place for me to go. This… I willserve you, gladly.”

- Dany III, ASoS

“Spears!” Dany heard one Astapori shout. It was Grazdan, old Grazdan in his tokar heavy withpearls.” Unsullied! Defend us, stop them, defend your masters! Spears! Swords!”

When Rakharo put an arrow through his mouth, the slaves holding his sedan chair broke andran, dumping him unceremoniously on the ground. The old man crawled to the first rank ofeunuchs, his blood pooling on the bricks. The Unsullied did not so much as look down to watchhim die. Rank on rank on rank, they stood.

And did not move. The gods have heard my prayer.

“Unsullied!” Dany galloped before them, her silver-gold braid flying behind her, her bellchiming with every stride. “Slay the Good Masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who wearsa tokar or holds a whip, but harm no child under twelve, and strike the chains off every slave yousee.” She raised the harpy’s fingers in the air… and then she flung the scourge aside. “Freedom!”she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

“Dracarys!” they shouted back, the sweetest word she’d ever heard. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

- Dany III, ASoS

She was utterly vulnerable if the Unsullied did not take up her call. Dany went in knowing that if the Unsullied did not rebel on the spot, she and everyone with her was dead. She chose to risk her life and the lives of her followers for the freedom of the Unsullied - and keep in mind that she still had the option of leaving and trying to recruit in the Free Cities, which would have been safer for her person. The money she took from Illyrio to buy slaves could have bought mercenaries just as easily.

There is no reasonable way to read that chapter without concluding that Dany picked the path she did because she empathised with the enslaved of Astapor.

Now, she absolutely did not realise ahead of time, or even immediately following, what this action committed her to. She still thinks she’s going to Westeros, since she hasn’t realised that in successfully leading a slave revolt and sacking all of Astapor, she’s dealt a massive blow to the slave economy that no slave city in the region can allow to go unchecked.

But it’s also here that we see that her objectives are changing to encompass more than “go to Westeros, reclaim Iron Throne.” She refuses to leave behind the Astapori who chose to follow her, even though they are an outright hindrance to that “taking Westeros” objective.

They ate the land bare as they passed, like locusts in sandals. Yet Dany could not bring herself toabandon them as Ser Jorah and her bloodriders urged. I told them they were free. I cannot tellthem now they are not free to join me. She gazed at the smoke rising from their cookfires andswallowed a sigh. She might have the best footsoldiers in the world, but she also had the worst.

- Dany IV, ASoS

No, she takes personal responsibility for her actions in this regard. Even though they are against her self-interest. It comes to matter less to her over the course of the chapter.

Dany looked at Missandei. “What are they shouting?”

“It is Ghiscari, the old pure tongue. It means ‘Mother.’’

Dany felt a lightness in her chest. I will never bear a living child, she remembered. Her hand trembled as she raised it. Perhaps she smiled. She must have, because the man grinned andshouted again, and others took up the cry. “Mhysa!” they called. “Mhysa! MHYSA!”

- Dany IV, ASoS

It is quite explicitly the conclusion of her ASoS arc that she rejects Westeros, temporarily, in favour of consolidating what she has done for the former slaves of Slaver’s Bay. Their interests over hers, since she can’t take them all to Westeros with her.

“Aegon the Conqueror brought fire and blood to Westeros,but afterward he gave them peace, prosperity, and justice. But all I have brought to Slaver’s Bayis death and ruin. I have been more khal than queen, smashing and plundering, then moving on.”

“There is nothing to stay for,” said Brown Ben Plumm.

“Your Grace, the slavers brought their doom on themselves,” said Daario Naharis.

“You have brought freedom as well,” Missandei pointed out.

“Freedom to starve?” asked Dany sharply. “Freedom to die? Am I a dragon, or a harpy?” Am I mad? Do I have the taint?”

“A dragon,” Ser Barristan said with certainty. “Meereen is not Westeros, Your Grace.”

“But how can I rule seven kingdoms if I cannot rule a single city?” He had no answer to that.

Dany turned away from them, to gaze out over the city once again. “My children need time to heal and learn. My dragons need time to grow and test their wings. And I need the same. I willnot let this city go the way of Astapor. I will not let the harpy of Yunkai chain up those I’ve freedall over again.” She turned back to look at their faces. “I will not march.”

- Dany VI, ASoS

It’s character development. Dany did not set out to end slavery in Slaver’s Bay, any more than Jon Snow started out ASoS intending to let the Free Folk through the Wall in ADWD. But nevertheless, ending slavery in Slaver’s Bay is what she commits herself to, eyes open, at the end of ASoS.

Second, the idea of good faith. The metas you link, especially here and here, do an excellent job of showing how Dany’s bad faith with the Masters makes it impossible for her to achieve peace. I have no problems with how the narrative depicts those actions coming back to bite her in negotiations. Seems like sound analysis of the situation to me, and a reasonable thing for GRRM to write.

Good faith is for dealing with people who sell lumber and wool and grain, not other people. Good faith in these transactions normalises and legitimises the trade of human beings. The appropriate response to slavers is to refuse to play their game, and treat them as the tyrants, kidnappers, and thieves they are. 

There is no way to deal with slavers in good faith without becoming complicit. Dany herself understands this on a gut level.

“The blood of my enemies I will shed gladly. The blood of innocents is another matter. Eightthousand Unsullied they would offer me. Eight thousand dead babes. Eight thousand strangleddogs.”

- Dany II, ASoS

She knows exactly what she’d be buying here.

Anyway. Transactions in human lives, which are illegitimate by their very nature, should and must be stopped. Stopping it means using force. Likewise, the slavers cannot afford for someone to come along and say that slavery illegitimate by its nature, much less start implementing the idea.

Dany’s dream of peace and freedom in Slaver’s Bay, which she spends most of ADWD trying to achieve, was impossible from the outset, due to her radical de facto classification of slavery as a crime (and measures to stop it, just war) rather than trade (and measures to stop it, theft). Her failure to realise this is what she’s done and the threat it poses to the status quo in the region in a timely fashion is a massive mistake.

What this doesn’t mean is “all’s fair” and “the ends justify the means.” I’ve always been critical of Dany’s decision to crucify the 163 Meereenese Masters, precisely because it’s indiscriminate violence that serves no purpose but Dany’s gratification. Likewise, 

Mercy, thought Dany. They will have the dragon’s mercy.“Skahaz, I have changed my mind. Question the man sharply.”

“I could. Or I could question the daughters sharply whilst thefather looks on. That will wring some names from him.”

“Do as you think best, but bring me names.”

- Dany II, ADWD

is no positive character trait. That’s not punishing enemies, but inflicting pain on innocents in the name of other innocents. Dany at her worst.

Throughout ADWD we see her struggling with that impulse, to say “screw it all” and make with the indiscriminate violence. Heads on spikes. Burn everything. This is how we’ve left her for the moment.

You are a queen, her bear said. In Westeros. “It is such a longway,” she complained. “I was tired, Jorah. I was weary of war. Iwanted to rest, to laugh, to plant trees and see them grow. I am only ayoung girl.”

No. You are the blood of the dragon. The whispering wasgrowing fainter, as if Ser Jorah were falling farther behind. Dragonsplant no trees. Remember that. Remember who you are, what youwere made to be. Remember your words.

“Fire and Blood,” Daenerys told the swaying grass.

- Dany X, ADWD

To go forward you must go back, indeed. The shape of her arc is going to give her some easy victories with this attitude, and then bite her again when she accidentally blows up King’s Landing. I’m not looking forward to Fire-and-Blood  Daenerys, even if her aims are good, because the ends do not justify the means. She’s not going to be using care and precision in her violence (care and precision being key aspects of justified violence, to avoid/minimise collateral), she’s just going to get in there and start burning things, and people, down. It’s going to be Dany at her ends-justify-means worst.

But the Dany I’m sympathetic to, and the one who I most definitely think is a worthy heroine with worthy character progression (which again, doesn’t mean I don’t think she’s got some serious character flaws, nor that all her actions are above board), is the one Tyrion described in ADWD.

“Iknow she is proud. How not? What else was left her but pride? I knowshe is strong. How not? The Dothraki despise weakness. If Daeneryshad been weak, she would have perished with Viserys. I know she isfierce. Astapor, Yunkai, and Meereen are proof enough of that.”

[…]

“…this Mother of Dragons, this Breaker ofChains, is above all a rescuer. The girl who drowned the slaver citiesin blood rather than leave strangers to their chains…”

- Tyrion V, ADWD