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bow-chicka-wow-wow-wow · 1 year

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Worst GTA Characters

1. Melvin “Big Smoke” Harris (San Andreas) - Let me get two number 9s, a number 9 large, and well, you know the rest. Oh, some Ballas. Nah, I can’t let this food go bad, let me just stuff my big fat fucking face. Oh by the way, I’m actually allied with the Ballas, and I’ve betrayed my childhood friends. I meant to have Sweet killed, but I ended up accidentally having his mother killed. Smoke is an opportunist, and was always out for himself. Fun fact, when he says “If you can eat your food, while everybody else is losing theirs, and blaming you, you straight,” he actually meant if you can profit while everyone else is losing everything because of you, then you’re okay,” foreshadowing his own betrayal. Almost hurt me to have to kill him in the end, although his mentality is the surest path to hell. Well, that and 15 microdots and an ounce of mescaline. Also, he had no regrets. He saw an opportunity, and took it, no matter who he ended up hurting.

2. Frank Tenpenny (San Andreas) - When it comes to GTA baddies, Tenpenny is one of the worst. He builds a crack empire in order to extort money from, he convinces opportunist Smoke to be the head of said drug empire and ally himself with the Ballas, he orders a hit on Grove OG Sweet after Smoke fails to convince him to get into the drug trade, he murders Internal Affairs officer Ralph Pendlebury for threatening to leak corruption evidence, and he frames the murder on CJ, blackmailing him into cleaning up his mess. Officer Pulaski may be cruel and sadistic, but Tenpenny is much worse. He even has Officer Hernandez killed for snitching on him. Once CJ’s usefulness has come to an end, he orders Pulaski to kill him and Hernandez, resulting in Pulaski’s death. He even manages to avoid jail time, thanks to the would-be witness he orders CJ to kill, causing a city-wide riot. Thankfully, his erratic behavior in the end cost him his life. Fun fact, it’s actually possible that he left Pulaski to deal with CJ cause he knew CJ would end up killing him.

3. The Celebrinator (TBoGT) - Look, buddy, my boss is struggling to maintain two nightclubs, owes money to some dangerous monsters, and is $2 million in the hole for some diamonds that got stolen from him. I got enough problems without your tabloid journalism fake news bullshit! You know what, I’m just gonna throw you out of a helicopter! Oh, I guess I don’t want ANOTHER murder on my conscience, among literally thousands! Guess I’ll save you! Haha, you shit your pants! Guess you’ll never mess with me again!

4. Auntie Poulet (Vice City) - She only appears in three missions as a mission giver. When Tommy initiated a gang war between the Cubans and the Haitians, Tommy does some missions for Umberto Robina, and eventually gets contacted by Auntie Poulet, who drugs Tommy into taking the Haitians side of the war. Then after her mission thread, you’re no longer useful and the Haitians attack you on sight once you step into their turf, following Poulet’s phone call telling you you’re no longer welcome in Haitian territory. Wow, so you use me against my will only to dispose of me in the end?

5. Kent Paul (Vice City) - It’s always funny to watch him try his luck with the ladies, only to fail so spectacularly. This English man keeps his nose in places it shouldn’t be, but that does make him useful if you want to know something involving Vice City’s criminal underworld. And he’s managed two well known Scottish rock bands, Love Fist and Gurning Chimps. But the thing that breaks it with this particular character, is the fact that he can be as petty as Lance when he calls complaining about your lack of respect for him. I hope he too doesn’t sell me out to a rival Mafia family.

6. Brian Jeremy (TLAD) - Ever heard the phrase “Nobody Likes A Kiss-ass?” Clearly Brian hasn’t. He is constant brown-nosing Billy ever since the latter got out of rehab. The Alderney Chapter President of the Lost M.C. is always making the obviously wrong decisions, causing friction between himself and Johnny. And quite frankly, the rest of the chapter doesn’t seem to agree with his methods either, save for Brian. Even Billy finds his kiss-ass annoying, too! When Billy gets arrested, Brian forms a faction that are dumb enough to follow against Johnny, who has taken over as President. I NEVER let him live the mission “Bad Standing.” I make sure he’s halfway to hell.

7. Ray Bulgarin (GTA IV) - So you say your boss is a pain. If he is the head of a smuggling/traffic ring, and he loses his latest consignment in a ship that sinks, and blames you, and tries everything in his power to have you killed, then you have the wrong boss. Granted, in the original GTA IV, he only shows up twice. He makes a more prominent appearance in TBoGT, when he employs Luis, up until he finds out he and Tony were involved in the Diamonds Arc, which Bulgarin claims are his diamonds, then spends the rest of the game trying to have them killed. Word to the wise, stay away from this guy!

8. Zero (San Andreas) - Did you know that you do NOT have to complete his mission thread in order to complete the story mode? BECAUSE I DIDN’T!!! Fun fact, even his voice actor, David Cross, couldn’t stand hearing his voice in the mission “Supply Lines,” so you know this is an interesting entry! Also prior to the casino heist, he boasts to his rival Berkley about the upcoming robbery, which makes the heist more difficult than it needed to be. I laughed my ass off when CJ punches him in the face, knocking him out for his idiotic mistake! That’s for “Supply Lines,” you prick!

9. Beverly Felton (GTA V) - What’s Vinewood without the annoying paparazzi? Beverly is an overweight, obnoxious paparazzo who tasks Franklin with helping him harass various stars around the Vinewood area. When he tasks Franklin to take some photos on his own, Franklin returns and demands his payment, only to be blown off cause they’re shooting a reality show. Oh God, if only I had a rocket lau- OH WAIT I DO! Yeah I kill that obnoxious prick for being, well, an obnoxious prick!

10. Tonya Wiggins (GTA V) - Good ol’ GTA. You get to steal cars, rob stores, get as many cops to kill you as you can, and… tow cars? I’m sorry, TOW cars? Yep, GTA V adds the ability to do yoga, go to therapy, and the mundane task of towing cars. Thanks to a potentially old flame/crackhead Tonya, whose boyfriend works at a towing company. By “works” I mean sitting on his ass and smoking crack. In order to keep his job, I get guilt-tripped by Tonya to do his job for him for nothing. And what’s worse, her first mission is actually required to progress the story, despite being a Strangers and Freaks mission. Good news is her other missions aren’t required, and spoiler alert, they’re literally the exact same thing.

11. Isiah Friedlander (GTA V) - I got some problems. I’m stealing cars, running over pedestrians, killing cops, causing chaos. I need some professional help. By “help,” I mean someone to complain to while he just takes my money, overcharges more for each subsequent session, just checks his watch, and not even listen to me? What, not even my therapist cares about me? What do I pay you for?? Well, you got a nice car, I’ll just steal it. Asshole. Also, do the world a favor. After your last session with him, and he reveals that he has written all your sessions in a book that has been published, kill that prick!

12. Catalina (San Andreas and GTA III) - Do you have a psycho girlfriend? Why is she psycho? Does she go berserk when you rob the countryside with her? Does she force you to have awkward, BDSM sex with her? Does she dump you for some mute with absolutely no personality? Does she shoot you during a robbery and leave you for dead? Wow, you ARE dating a psycho! Run, while you still can! Catalina is without a doubt the most evil character in the entire 3D universe. She’s that universe’s version of Dimitri Rascalov, screwing people over to benefit herself. It’s likely she’d betray the Cartel too, if Claude hadn’t killed her and taken his revenge. Thank God my girlfriend isn’t like that!

13. Karen “Michelle” Daniels (GTA IV) - What do you do when your girlfriend turns out to be a narc? You put her on a list of GTA characters you hate, obviously! Introduced as “Michelle,” she was there to introduce players to the revamped “dating” mechanic that was previously in San Andreas, and this version is actually part of the “friends” mechanic. You know, the “let’s go bowling” everyone absolutely loves! Other than 4 mission appearances, she does little to nothing to the plot, except in her betrayal, when she reveals she’s an agent for the IAA, and her boss forces you to take down links to terrorism and threats to homeland security, in exchange for not having 100 murders pinned on you, and helping find the man who betrayed your unit. So, in a way, I think I should thank Karen for entrapping me in her honeypot operation.

14. Trey “Playboy X” Stewart (GTA IV) - Scumbag. Just an absolute scumbag. He stopped caring about his former friend/mentor Dwayne, and wanted to kill him after the latter has Niko kill the gangsters managing the Triangle gentleman’s club, a club Dwayne ran before his incarceration. When you get the choice to kill either Dwayne or Playboy, and you kill Dwayne, not only does the game let you know in a sad way you picked the wrong choice, but you’re everything that’s wrong with this world and I wonder how you sleep at night! I kill Playboy because not only do I (and Niko) sympathize with Dwayne, but I get his penthouse apartment and the classic Claude outfit!

15. Lance “Ryder” Wilson (San Andreas) - Could it be possible that Ryder calls you a buster because he himself is a buster? Also, what are your thoughts about the possibility that Ryder wasn’t originally meant to betray you? It still doesn’t detract from the fact that he seems to hold CJ in the most contempt out of everyone in Grove. Sure, Sweet was none too happy to see you again, but Ryder just can’t pass up every chance to call CJ a buster and comment on his “shitty” driving skills, which is obviously a meta joke referencing the chaotic way ALL GTA players drive (except yours truly). The only thing that shocked me when Ryder betrayed Grove was the fact that there was not even a mention of him, just Smoke! Still, I can’t help but feel his death was well earned for the way he’s always treated me!

16. Amanda De Santa (GTA V) - What do you do when you’re trapped in an unhappy marriage and divorce is just not an option? You cheat on your husband with literally EVERY man you come in contact with! In her defense, yes, Michael is by zero means a good husband or father, and she was faithful to him till she caught him cheating on her with a stripper. The thing I hate most about her is forcing me to do yoga in GTA. I play this game to cause chaos, not to seek enlightenment! Honestly, the De Santas’ marriage is like Walter and Skyler White’s marriage on steroids.

17. Devin Weston (GTA V) - Not all rich people are bad, right?! RIGHT?! Devin is the billionaire contact for the corrupt FIB division Michael, Franklin, and Trevor are forced to work for. He has Michael work with movie producer Solomon Richards on his latest film, and has Franklin in charge of an operation to steal five exotic vehicles. Things don’t work out well for our heroes though, as Devin cheats Franklin of his payment for the cars, and plans to cancel Michael’s movie production right before they finish, shut down the studio, tear it down, and redevelop it into condos after he gets a tax payout. Fortunately, the movie still happens, infuriating Devin. I don’t think he cares that Molly gets killed when Michael takes the film back, but he just doesn’t like that Michael made a fool of him. His death at the hands of all three protagonists was cathartic (yes, the “Deathwish” ending IS the canon ending!)

18. Simeon Yetarian (GTA V) - Somehow, Simeon found out that I’m making this list, and I’ve added him to it. You know what he said? He said I was a racist. Simeon runs a shady car dealership, where he gaslights his clients into buying his lucrative vehicles in his showroom, taking advantage of the fact that he’s Armenian and calling them a racist to get them to buy the cars at exorbitant interest rates that are nigh impossible to pay in full. When they inevitably default on their payments, he has his employees Franklin and Lamar repossess them. I’m glad Michael beat the ever-living shit out of him when he targeted his son Jimmy in one of his schemes. Call that karmic retribution. It does get Franklin and Lamar fired though, but maybe it’s for the best.

19. Jeffery “OG Loc” Cross (San Andreas) - You know that one kid in high school you just can’t stand cause he’s an annoying poser? Yep, that’s Jeffery. Oh sorry, “OG Loc!” This wannabe gangsta rapper gets himself thrown in jail just for minor misdemeanors just to help his career, which only skyrocketed because he stole Madd Dogg’s rhyme book, quite simply because he is absolutely awful at rapping. And his voice… I honestly wanna put a cheese grater to my eardrums. And you know you’re perpetrating when you gotta call yourself “OG Loc,” and you just gotta say you’re “gangsta,” just to drive your point. This character is absolutely unlikable in every way imaginable.

20. Manuel Escuela (GTA IV) - “The streets, man!” Manny is one of the most, if not the most, annoying characters IN GTA IV. Literally every sentence he utters the words “the streets,” and “man!” He even claims to have been one of the inventors of hip hop before it went commercial. His crusade is to “help clean the streets,” including busting and killing drug dealers (or hiring Niko to do so and take the credit). I was honestly both shocked and relieved when Elizabeta Torres shot and killed him when he harassed her for dealing drugs. But, he gets his organs harvested in the black market, so I guess he finally gets to help the streets after all!

21. Eddie Pulaski (San Andreas) - The instant I met this prick in the beginning of the game, I already looked forward to the moment you get to kill him. An officer of the corrupt C.R.A.S.H. division, and Tenpenny’s right hand man, Pulaski is cruel, sadistic, and racist. He carries out Tenpenny’s orders with little to no hesitation, and constantly taunts CJ. Right before CJ finally does him in, he smugly requests to have sex with CJ’s sister. Pulaski, you were a scumbag to the end.

22. Vladimir Glebov (GTA IV) - Ever played any game at all, and you come across one certain character, and say to yourself, “Can’t wait till I inevitably kill this prick?” That’s Vlad to a T. He’s rude, obnoxious, and inconsiderate. He always boasts about his “powerful friends,” being a debt collector for the Faustin Bratva. The straw that broke the camel’s back was him boasting about his affair with Roman’s girlfriend, Mallorie. After Niko kills him, Mikhail Faustin, despite not being particularly pleased that Niko killed one of his men, nevertheless despised the idiotic Vlad. He only kept him around because Faustin had sex with Vlad’s sister. So much for your powerful “friends.”

23. Maria Latore (GTA III) - Look up the phrase “gold digger.” Chances are you’ll end up with a picture of her. Maria is the trophy wife of Salvatore Leone, and it’s obvious they do not love each other at all. Maria only married him because he’s a rich and powerful Don of a Mafia Family. She’s also the reason Claude becomes a marked man for the Leone Family. She told a paranoid Salvatore that she and Claude were having an affair just to spite him. Honestly, if I were Claude, the moment she got kidnapped by the Cartel, I’d just let her die instead of paying $500,000 to my ex-girlfriend.

24. Bruce “Brucie” Kibbutz (GTA IV) - Business entrepreneur, “alpha male,” and steroid junkie, Brucie is the one guy you’d see at the gym that’s very obnoxious about his workout. His mission thread involves you killing some people just because he’s suffering from ‘roid rage. He one of the characters that can call you every five minutes outside of missions, a mechanic that most GTA players hate. Honestly, Brucie, I’d much rather be hanging out with Little Jacob. In TBoGT, his brother, Mori, is MUCH worse!

25. Roman Bellic (GTA IV) - “Cousin, let’s go bowling!” The thing that breaks it for most gamers is the infamous phone call seemingly every 5 minutes when you linger too long outside of missions. Roman also has a gambling problem that has constantly gotten himself and his cousin Niko into trouble. In the end of the game, you can be a real asshole and take the deal ending and get Roman killed at his wedding!