#oh Hanne how I’ve missed you

[timethehobo]

Been thinking of Hanneman again and had to scribble. I miss him.

[heyidkyay]

Who can say no to bridezilla? |

Part Four

Forewarning there's a bit of angst in this part- idk it just sort of happened and I ended up going with it.. so, sorry?? Don't hate me pls! But also, I'm not sure what to really make of this story, hope you lot like it though:)

Summary: With no date to your sister's wedding, what are you to do? No worries though, she's already got it covered, well, sort of...

Masterlist

--

Lightly laughing, I looked down at our paired hands, at how Matty’s thumb kept running over the back of my own and I wondered whether he felt it too.

“Oi, Healy!” Someone called out, breaking the moment, “I thought that was you!”

And just like that, as I looked up and caught sight of the goddess of a girl headed straight towards us, I knew that I’d just let myself get far too caught up in the moment.

—

“Alexa, love! Didn’t realise they were just letting anyone in.” Matty welcomed the girl with a teasing grin, withdrawing from me to envelope this newcomer into an easy embrace. 

I had to take a small step back to re-centre myself, having let my emotions get the best of me for a minute there, and took the distracted moment to look around at the rest of the partygoers. But I could hardly concentrate, my head a little all over the place.

“Me neither. You can see why I was so surprised to find you here!” The girl, Alexa, snarked back with a strikingly stunning smile, now holding Matty at arms length. “Last I heard you were off galloping about in sunny Barbados.”

Matty hummed an impish confirmation, and I watched as a tiny smile pulled at either side of his lips. “Been back a while now. Finally got myself clean, didn’t I?”

Alexa seemed surprised by that, but her smile was genuine when she told him how happy she was for him. Something I could appreciate.

She engulfed him back up into another hug and murmured something or other into his ear, which caused Matty to nod his head in apparent amusement as they both chuckled. 

The two of them were just untangling themselves from one another when Matty seemed to suddenly remember my presence, I smiled a little awkwardly when both sets of eyes darted towards me.

“Oh, Lex! You have to meet Y/n, the lucky girl I’ve got hanging off my arm this evening.” Matty introduced with a sly grin, dragging me in closer to them now by the crook of my elbow.

I couldn’t seem to hide the small laugh I released as I just let him.

“And sweetheart, this is Alexa. Old friend of mine. Known her for almost as long as I’ve known the guys.” He added, gesturing a hand between the two of us.

The pleasant smile and bout of small talk I conjured up on the spot as I greeted her then would’ve won me a fucking Oscar, with my head where it was at and whatnot- I was quite sure of it. So sure, in fact, that I would’ve bet my mum’s mortgage on it then and there. 

But alas, there were no nominating editors around to bare witness to my bullshit of a show and the only other person who could’ve seen the sudden change in my demeanour would’ve been my sister, who, conveniently, was nowhere to be seen.

So I just grinned and bared it all, withdrawing more and more into myself as the conversation drew on. I’d tried to add a comment once or twice, but it was like treading water. Honestly, every time I even attempted to open my mouth, Alexa spoke up and shut me right down again, edging me out slowly but surely.

It took me a little while to notice it, but once I had, I found myself trying to determine whether I was right in just assuming.

“I still can’t believe out of the four of you, Hann’s the first one to properly settle down!” Alexa piped up with a wily grin, changing the topic from mine and Matty’s thoughts on the wedding ceremony she’d missed out on the second the chance arose. “I always figured it’d be Ross.”

I frowned slightly to myself, and then observed the way she playfully nudged Matty's chest, her fingertips lingering a second too long. 

In the time we'd continued talking, I'd noticed how she somehow had managed to rearrange herself even closer to the musician. Actually, they were now stood so near one another that you’d have had to have brought a pair of pliers along with you tonight to have simply discovered where the first one ended and the other began.

I felt like the apparent third wheel to the little party they’d wordlessly created for themselves, and having been forced into that feeling was more than a little painful.

Alexa seemed to touch Matty constantly too. Whether it was a gentle caress to his elbow, or just the persistent brush of fingers against his forearm.

So, not only was she actively excluding me from the conversation as best she could, she was also icing me out further by becoming a literal barrier between us.

Not that my date seemed to notice any of this, too preoccupied by the girl’s revered presence to pay my tenseness any mind- but maybe that was just me being petty.

To be frank, I wasn’t certain whether or not Alexa was doing it intentionally, or if it was just in her nature. She appeared to be a rather blatant flirt, that was obvious, but she was also quick on the uptake and witty enough to snipe right back at Matty and his sarcastically intelligent replies. Definitely someone who could match him toe to toe, I acknowledged.

And I wasn’t the type to shy away either, especially when I was having a good time, but honestly? In that moment, I just felt more than a tad uncomfortable by the whole charade.

“I truly am offended, Lex! Couldn’t you just picture me with a grubby toddler sat on each knee? Or having to make the school run in my Gucci dressing gown?” Matty exaggerated with a hand over his heart, responding to her previous comment. Alexa seemed to take the opening he’d given her and run with it.

She grinned at him, flashing me a row full of perfect teeth. “Oh, yeah. A kid on each knee, maybe, with the way you used to get around- but the school run? I’d be utterly surprised if you managed to wake yourself up before noon, babe. If I remember rightly, sex and sleep were the only two things that could keep that mind of yours occupied when we were together.”

Ah. 

So my gut had pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Because, of fucking course- of course!- out of all of the people I’d be forced into meeting at this now-turned-nightmare of a wedding, it just would’ve had to have been this greek goddess of a woman stood before me, with her sultry eyes and alluring smile. Who, coincidentally, just also happened to be Matty’s ex.

Did they all look like this? I found myself silently questioning.

Did he just happen to have a plethora of brokenhearted models trailing helplessly behind him?

I almost peered around then to make sure that there was no-one else headed over to throw another spanner into the works, but wilfully withheld. 

Because wouldn’t that have truly been the icing on the cake?

And with that thought, I couldn’t help but wonder what they both must’ve made of me, in the dress I’d decided to hem myself and the face of makeup I’d been forced to finish applying in the cab ride over here.

Fuck, this had all been such a mistake, hadn’t it?

“Y/n?”

I blinked myself out of my wayward thoughts to find Matty already watching me with a slightly concerned expression. I inhaled and shook my head lightly to right myself, dropping the hand I’d been using to worry my lower lip. “Sorry, must’ve missed that. Whatd’ya say?”

The crease between Matty’s brows deepened just as his mouth thinned, and I tried not to outwardly react when I felt his careful grip take my arm.

My. Mind. Was. Well and truly. Reeling.

“Was just mentioning the way we’d-“ He cut himself off mid-sentence there and decidedly dipped his head down towards mine, ignoring whatever else Alexa was saying as he did so. 

When Matty spoke again it was in a sort of hushed tone, which sounded a little fuzzy to my buzzing ears. “You sure you’re alright, darling? You kinda spaced out.”

I swallowed and forced a smile, slipping out from his hold. 

“Yeah, ‘course. Just need some air, I reckon. Bit stuffy in here.” I chuckled lightly, though it sounded somewhat strained even to me, as I swatted a hand about in the air between us. “Look, I’ll be back in a sec. Save me a drink, will you?”

And before Matty could even get another word in edgeways, I was backing away and sliding through the many tables full of people. 

I heard him call after me, voice confused, but didn’t chance looking back.

I was beyond thankful for the cold chill that hit my skin when I stepped out of the tent. My head was still whirling, whether it was from the encounter I’d just managed to escape from or the mass of people I’d been surrounded by all day, I didn’t know. But the evening air seemed to help dull the steaming onset of anxiety my mind had created as I trailed my way over to where a large maple tree idly sat, facing the chapel.

I leant up against its trunk as I patted down my pockets, groaning quietly at the evil reminder that hit me when I remembered I’d been forced into wearing a dress for this whole affair. Meaning that I hadn’t had the foresight to stick a cigarette or two down the hem of my knickers just in case of an emergency. 

Sort of like this, my mind unhelpfully supplied.

I let out a short sigh, deciding then that this night couldn’t really get any worse.

But, like always, the universe seemed rather excited to have yet another opportunity to shit all over me, because a downtrodden Matty approached not too soon after.

The singer chose not to say anything as he came to a slow halt beside me, and I watched out of the corner of my eye when he pulled a packet from the lining of his suit jacket to tip out a fag. 

My stare narrowed on its own accord, because of course he’d have just the thing I was dying for. Though I was far too stubborn to ask for one, especially after the little scene I’d stirred inside. 

So I just followed his example and kept quiet.

Matty was a rather deliberate person, I’d deemed simply from observing him throughout the night. I could see it then in the way he let his cigarette dangle loosely from his lip as he sheltered its end with a curved palm so that it would light. 

I watched as he took a slow drag, and then tried not to show how flustered I suddenly grew when my eyes flickered upwards and met his own in the dimly lit garden. 

He held the cigarette out towards me, billowing out a breath of smoke through pursed lips which seemed to cling to the stilted air surrounding us. 

Grateful, I took it, feeling the odd tingle that travelled up my wrist when our fingers brushed.

The nicotine was heaven sent and it seemed to do just the trick, finally managing to clear a way through my chaotic mind. I felt my shoulders sag as I slowly exhaled. 

“You gonna let me in on what that was just about?” Came Matty’s voice after what seemed like an eternity. It startled me a little if I was being honest, I figured we’d just share this fag and forget about the whole ordeal in truth. But then again, I’d never been lucky.

“What’dya mean?” I replied cluelessly, angling my face away from him and over towards the historic building opposite. I handed him back the cigarette.

He rolled his eyes, seemingly agitated by the response. “Don’t be like that.”

I shrugged a shoulder at him, not saying anything before, “Just didn’t feel too good. Like I said, it was stuffy in there.”

With a pointed scoff, Matty shook his head at me then purposefully took another drag.

I scowled, suddenly annoyed. “If you don’t like my answer, you can always fuck off back inside and ask someone else.”

He laughed sharply at me in retort, a bitter thing that broke up the smoke he breathed out. “You’re so fucking difficult. You know that?”

I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Just piss off, Matty.”

His mouth was quirked to one side when he glanced at me again, so I pointedly looked back towards the chapel with a roll of my eyes.

He chose to say nothing after that, merely opted to continue smoking in silence, studying me all the while with a small smirk painted on his lips. 

I grew irritated far too quickly, I knew that (it was one of my many flaws), but that irritation I felt was slowly being further fuelled by the fact that I could tell that Matty was now amused by it all. 

Infuriated, I was quick to shoot him a nasty glare as I went to walk away again, this time back towards the party.

“Fine, I’ll leave then.”

Matty groaned loudly into the night air, though his amusement was still palpable. “Oh, come on!”

I had to glance back at him, I couldn’t not, and found him to be stood just a foot or two behind me, his arms spread out wide with a disbelieving look on his face.

He dropped his cigarette upon noting that he’d won back my attention and quickly stamped it out on the gravelled path before taking another pointed step towards me. 

“What?” Matty goaded with a jerk of his head, and his Northern accent jumped out at me then, making it sound a lot more like ‘wot?’. “Is that all you’ve got say to me then?”

I felt myself gape. Because, he couldn't have actually been serious.

“You’re the one who wandered off in a right strop-” Matty decidedly barrelled on, uncaring for my reaction. “Had me fucking worryin’ over whether or not it was something I’d done. And when I come out to check on you, to make sure that you’re actually doing alright, you fucking tell me to do one! Why? What the fuck’s with that? We were having a good time- a fuckin’ great time, even! I just don’t get it.”

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling the affect of his words wash over me. But that hurt was still there. 

In truth, I’d never been any good at expressing how I felt. Feelings? Why the fuck would anyone willingly want them? They were messy. And uptight. And almost always got you into the worst kinds of trouble. I wanted to scream.

“I don’t know, Matty! Okay?” I snapped right back at him, stressed and suddenly beyond annoyed, but mostly at myself. 

“I just felt shitty, alright? I didn’t want to just stand there, with you, and with her! And I think that’s pretty fucking valid! I mean- who willingly wants to be ignored? You made me feel so stupid! And, unimportant. And you’ve only gone and pissed me off even further by coming out here and acting as though you’ve no clue as to why I’m upset.”

Matty’s face was a right picture. And at any other given time I might’ve laughed, or rinsed him for it, but I was far too caught up in the moment.

Far too tired, too.

It had well and truly been a day. And as happy as I was for my sister and her new-found husband, I also just wanted to go home, have a kip, and wake up tomorrow morning having forgotten that this day had ever happened. If only for the sake of never having to acknowledge the way Matty’s very presence set my skin on fire. Or the fact that, after all these months we’d spent texting, I’d only now clued into the fact that the majority of it had just been me pining from behind a screen.

Because, although it might’ve taken me until tonight to have finally realised it, I did like Matty. I liked him an awful lot. 

Too much actually for someone who’d all but claimed to have bowed out of the dating game completely. And I only really had myself to blame for the mess I’d gotten myself into here- no, actually wait, scrap that. If anyone was rightly to blame for this whole ordeal then my sister held the flaming torch. Without all her needless meddling, I might’ve been alright tonight. Lonely, perhaps, but surrounded by friends and family, and without all this stupid unnecessary drama.

“So this is just about Alexa then?” Matty voiced and, wow.

“That’s all you took from that?” I scoffed at him, completely in disbelief, “Yes, Matty. It’s partly about Alexa, but mainly about the way I fucking felt in there! The way you made me feel.”

He blinked back at me, and I watched the way his mouth opened and then closed, apparently unable to now form coherent words. My chest was heaving, and I knew I had to remove myself from the situation entirely before I did something I'd soon regret.

“Do me a favour and just, lose my number, yeah?” I told him as I turned on my heel and walked away, shaking my head.

“Oi, Y/n/n! Y/n!” Someone yelled out to me as I made my way back inside, but I was so hellbent on simply grabbing my things so that I could leave that Jamie’s sudden appearance at my side visibly startled me.

He broke me from the buzzing energy that was crawling its way across my skin and I physically jumped at the hand that took my shoulder.

“Cuz, just stop, would you?” Jamie spoke again, his voice more muted now, confused.

Glancing up into his worried eyes, I felt the hand he held on my shoulder tense slightly.

“What’s gone on? Where’re you off to?” My cousin pestered me as I attempted to shake him off and round him to get to the table just past us.

“Nothing, Jim. Just leave it be, yeah?”

Jamie was having none of that though, his head shook as he got a firmer hold on me. Blocking my path.

“Jamie.” I warned, already at my wits end. “Move out my way.”

“Fuck that.” He retorted with an apparent frown, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

I turned my head away from him, not wanting him to see the emotions that were getting the better of me.

“Y/n.” Jamie demanded, moving his neck at an odd angle to meet my glossy gaze. “Tell me.”

I let out an unhappy sigh, slumping. “Just having a shit night, alright? And I was trying to get out of here quickly, so if you don’t mind.”

I gestured vaguely towards the table then, hoping he’d get the message and move, but Jamie refused.

“The fuck’s gone on? The last time I saw you, you were happy as Larry. Larking about with that new bloke of yours-” Jamie paused suddenly and I saw the way his usually relaxed demeanour changed, “Was it him? Has he done something to you? I swear if he’s done anything, Y/n.”

Darkly, he shook his head, eyes fixated on finding the man in question.

“No, no, nothing’s happened, J. Just a bit of a mishap. My fault, really.” I tried to reassure him, but that only seemed to make things worse.

My eyes widened when Jamie’s head snapped up in the direction I’d just come from and I followed it to find Matty there, running an anxious hand through his hair whilst his eyes chose to scan the crowd. 

“I’m gonna kill him.” Jamie threatened, already in motion, and when my mind finally caught up with the situation at hand I immediately jumped to hold him back. 

But the thing about Jim was, that he was quite a fair bit taller than me now, had been since we were seventeen, but he was also built like a fuck-off tree. Ginormous, basically. And he wasn’t one to be easily stopped, not even with the way I was helplessly dragging my feet behind him and tugging at his arm.

“Jamie!” I hissed pleadingly, “Don't be a twat!”

But it was no use, we’d already stormed our way through half the venue and drawn up quite the crowd. Jamie was like a bull seeing red, and Matty was the flaming flag.

I didn’t know what to do as I watched Jamie barrel towards my date, full on fuming. 

“The fuck have you done?”

Matty looked a little like a deer caught in headlights when he turned towards us and found my cousin rounding on him. But the confused expression was gone in a split second, and rapidly replaced by an irritated scowl. His dark eyes skitted between Jamie and I, me hidden just behind my cousin’s shoulder. 

I flashed Matty an imploring look, hoping he’d understand and not infuriate Jamie any further- but when had anything ever gone my way?

“Fuck do you mean, what have I done?” Matty gobbed back, gearing up for the fight we all felt was coming. “You’re the one coming at me, mate.”

“Don’t call me your mate, you prick. And you know exactly why I’m asking.” Jamie retorted, his shoulders pulled right back so that he was now stood at his full height, towering a fair few inches above Matty himself.

“It doesn't take a genius to work out that you clearly have something to do with the fact that she’s leaving her sister’s wedding reception early.” Jamie told Matty, stabbing a thumb backwards and towards me.

Matty frowned, his mouth pursing as his gaze met mine. I swallowed thickly.

“Listen, I don’t know what she’s told-”

But Matty was promptly cut off then by my cousin, who looked just about ready to throttle him.

“She’s told me nothing, you utter twat. Too polite to call it like it is, but it’s not all that hard to add up, is it?  She’s upset and, coincidentally, you’re nowhere to be seen.” Jamie said with an unamused grin. And I couldn't help but note that he was rather terrifying when he wanted to be. “So go on, try and worm your way out of it, mate.”

“Oi, what’s going on here?” Came a third party and I glanced up just in time to see George step into defend Matty. He matched Jim inch for inch in stature, and the expression he wore told a story of its own.

I wondered, for a brief second, if I'd just happened to be the start of World War Three.

“Oh fuck off, would you?” Jamie grimaced, not even sparing George the curtesy of a mere glance. His focus honed in on Matty alone.

“Jamie!” I rebuked, having had enough now. I hurriedly made my way to squeeze between them all, my back to Matty’s chest. “Just stop it, will you? It’s none of your business what’s gone on. And I really don't need you fighting my battles.”

“But y/n..” Jamie instantly bristled, still seething, but I just shook my head at him, forcing him backwards slightly.

“Leave it. Please, Jim.” I whispered, peering up at him now with imploring eyes.

This was the last thing I’d wanted to happen tonight. This was the last thing my sister deserved. And I was just semi-grateful for the fact that her, nor Adam, were around to bear witness to it.

Though, I could only assume that they’d both find out before the night’s end, knowing that this would make the rumour mill as soon as.

My cousin met my steely gaze and softened slightly, he raised a brow, silently asking if I was certain, and so I dipped my head in a quiet reply.

Jamie inhaled, casting one last long look at Matty, who’s shoulders were still squared, before he relented. Stepping away, I sent him a very small, very thankful smile. But the look I received in response, told me that this was far from over. 

“Alright! You can all piss off back to the party now!” I demanded, waving everyone off. “I'd say have around on me but it's an open bar, so...”

When the last few dregs of prying people had finally scattered, I let go of the defeated sigh I’d been withholding and it felt like my entire body drooped with it.

I didn't know what to do with myself after that, the DJ was spinning again and the drinks were now back in flow. I found that I just wanted to disappear really, and the last thing I wanted was for-

“Y/n?"

--

Part Five>

Taglist: @real-actual-human-person @wurldisavampire

[the1975attheirverybest]

Ok I have a really sad one but what about mattys been home for like a year after baby was born and you both agree that you're ready for the boys to go back on tour. You facetime every evening before baby goes to bed and usually they're playing with toys or sometimes matty reads them their bedtime story over facetime. Well this time baby decides to take their first steps on facetime and walk over to Matty and he is equally crying with joy/pride and sobbing because he's missing out on milestones and feels like the worst father ever

🌷🌷

Awwwww babyyyy 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Matty has definite got into a somewhat silly habit of buying doubles of the children’s books that he gets his baby cuz he wants to have copies with him when he goes on tour. So that whenever he calls, he can let his baby choose whichever book they gotta read for bedtime. He sings a little lullaby after and everything.

And on days off in between shows, or in the tour bus, or their way between cities etc he like calls just randomly if he knows his wife is gonna be home and asks to be put on FaceTime and have the phone propped up somewhere in the living room so he can feel like he’s there with them. He just hangs out and watches his kid play and eat dinner and play with mommy.

So, one day, they’re both to put baby down for the night. But the kid is a bit too hyper to wanna go to bed. There are toys strewn on the floor everywhere, and they’ve gotten into this habit…you know when kids are first learning to walk, how they’ll first learn to use the edges of furniture to move around? Like they’ll hold on the edge of the coffee table and then the side of the couch or something to be stood up and sort of slinking around? Yeah, so it’s mainly that. Just baby trying to be brave and move around with the assistance of the furniture and whatever is available. For a while, both parents attention is on the child as they try to mentally and emotionally prepare for a difficult bedtime. They know there will be resistance. Maybe some tears. Matty keeps saying “two more minutes and then we really have to go to sleep. Mommy’s tired she deserves some quiet time.”

Then, the conversation kinda drifts to something Mundane. Like, Maybe Matty is talking to his wife about what him and Hann did that day or what sightseeing he wants to do once they get to their next city. But as they’re chatting, they both notice baby start to let go of the edge of the table and walk independently. They’re both trying to alert each other to what’s going on but they’re too excited to form full sentences so it’s just like “matty! Oh my god!!! Walking!! It’s happening!” And a bunch of squeaking from both of them. When baby makes it to the other end of the couch (just a few small steps later) they both clap and yell out “yaaaayyyy you did it babbyyyy” and start making up silly songs about their kids first steps and hype them up.

But as soon as they stop, and instead of complete silence, Matty’s sniffling fills the air. Mom is teary eyed too so at first she thinks it’s just happy tears. But then she looks at the screen and matty is full on crying. She makes a joke about how he’s the most emotional person she’s ever met but that’s okay because she finds his soft gentle side really attractive.

Matty eventually shakes his head and tries to wipe his tears with the back of his hand. “It’s not that…it’s just” and he pulls into the camera view a little onesie of the baby’s that he’d stolen to take on tour. He’s thinking about how by the time he gets back 6 months from now baby will have outgrown the onesie. “We’re gonna need to buy baby shoes now. And not those cute decorative ones. Real ones. For walking. A dad should fuckin be there for his child’s first shoes!” It dawns on him that this is his fate now. Baby’s first steps, first shoes, first words, soon it’s gonna be first day of school, and recitals, and birthdays, and what’s next? Graduations too? “Fuck, I’m not saying I don’t love my job. I’ve very very fortunate to still be doing this decades later. But….i just don’t think it’s fair. Parents shouldn’t have to work. Like ever.”

She tried to comfort him and tell him that she works too and she feels bad that her kid has to spend any amount of time without her during the day. That sometimes she sits at work, checking the time, knowing that usually when nap time is over, and that her child is going to wake up to someone who isn’t her makes her sad. “But it’s good for kids to see their parents work! We’re setting a good example. Ambition and drive are important! Besides, you’re here! You saw this and just cuz it’s over a phone screen, doesn’t mean it’s any less memorable. Do you really think that you’re going to forget the day that you saw your little baby take their first steps????”

“Well, I won’t now. Cuz it’s also always going to be the day I wept like my little baby over the phone a thousand miles away from you.”

“Tell you what? We can buy the new shoes together. You go to the store and pick them out. Mail them.”

“It’s not the same thing as-“

“Fine, fine. We’ll stay a few extra days the next time we fly in? Maybe we can take a trip? Every shoe store in town. We’ll test them out and everything.”

“Oh yes, yes! Do you think they still make squeaky ones?”

“Those cause headaches, Matty.”

“Or the laser ones. You know the ones that light up? Oh I used to love these on Louis. Just a little kid wobbling about shooting laser beams from their feet.”

“As long as they don’t make any disruptive noises-“

“Adidas trainers. The most comfortable. Hey, let’s all get matching ones. All three of us. It’d be cute!”

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Alex Recommends: February Books

February may be a small, fleeting month but my god, has it had me through the ringer! My mental health has been all over the place for the last couple of weeks and to be honest, I don’t know how I would have got through it without Mark. 

I’m starting to really miss my friends, who I haven’t seen since just before Christmas. Although we have a lovely group chat, it’s just not the same as seeing their faces and giving them hugs. So, yes I am starting to feel quite isolated in that respect now. I will be seeing something of them this month, which I’m really looking forward to but I hate not knowing when we’ll all be together again.

Professionally, I continue to be disappointed by job hunting. I know I’ve said how lucky I am to do something that lends itself well to freelancing but I cannot tell you how hard it is to make a decent living from working like that, let alone secure any kind of mortgage. So, I am still looking for permanent roles and yes, I’m still failing at interviews. I have been in tears this month because I don’t feel in control of my future anymore and that’s so terrifying. 

There have been some happy occasions too. My brother and his long-term girlfriend got engaged, so there will be a wedding for our family within the next couple of years. I’ve also started a new personal creative project, which I’m channelling all my emotions into. I’m putting these characters in the same situations that I’ve been in recently, watching how they deal with them and somehow it’s proving to be a coping mechanism of sorts. So, I’m trying to focus on the positives and just hope that fate realises that I really am doing my best.

Anyway, here are five books that I’ve loved recently and that I’m sure you will too. Hope you’re all doing well!

-Love, Alex x

FICTION: Em & Me by Beth Morrey.

There was a time when Delphine had dreams and ambitions for herself and her daughter Em but now she’s a single mum, working in a cafe and barely making ends meet. But when she has the chance to step outside of her little life, she finally finds the space to find herself again. This heartwarming novel features some fantastic characters, namely the bookish 11-year-old Em and the cantankerous, fascinating Letty. Ultimately, it is a simple story about a normal woman trying to do the best with what she has but it is very thoughtful and uplifting. Beth Morrey has a wonderful charming style and I finished it, full of hope.

LITERARY FICTION: Devotion by Hannah Kent.

In 19th century Prussia, adulthood and domestic life is approaching for Hanne. Her family are Old Lutherans, a community in danger in their homeland, but they are soon given the chance to sail to Australia, where they can worship freely. But what will the journey mean for the incredibly special bond between Hanne and fun-loving, bewitching Thea? Devotion is a beautifully written but bleak story of a love that simply cannot be destroyed, even by the ultimate separation. Hannah Kent’s writing style is very immersive, which lends the book a breath-taking, cinematic quality. You’ll cry a lot with this one!

MIDDLE-GRADE: Rockstar Detectives by Adam Hills.

Charley Parker is a 12-year-old rockstar, thanks to her best friend George’s videos going viral. Now, she’s embarking on a tour of Europe but some priceless works of art appear to be going missing in each of the cities they visit. Charley and George are the police’s prime suspects, so they must solve the case before their tour is cancelled and they end up in a jail cell. This crazy romp through Amsterdam, Rome and Tours alongside two smart, loveable characters was a lot of fun. I loved the mystery and the twist at the end, which I definitely didn’t see coming. There is also some commentary on disability and the rapidly changing face of the music industry, which gave the whole book a lot of heart.

FANTASY: The Girl Who Fell Beneath The Sea by Axie Oh.

Storms have plagued Mina’s homeland for decades and it’s thought that only the sacrifice of a young girl to the Sea God can stop them. Mina’s sister-in-law is due to be the next Sea God bride but to protect her family, Mina offers herself instead. Within the Spirit Realm, Mina discovers that the Sea God is asleep and she must wake him in order to stop the storms and restore peace to the world above. But a human can’t survive in the Spirit Realm for long. The world-building within this book is very beautiful and there is so much detail that I could have spent hours, swimming around in the Spirit Realm. There is so much interesting Korean mythology embedded in this exciting, page-turning adventure and even a romance that I was willing to blossom. It has a lot of Spirited Away vibes for obvious reasons but I actually thought it was much more hopeful. The hardback of this book is stunning and I can assure you that judging it by its cover will pay off!

THRILLER: Notes On An Execution by Danya Kukafka.

Ansel Packer will be executed in just 12 hours but this isn’t how he wanted things to end. He is desperate to be remembered and understood before he dies. Through the perspectives of three women, whose lives have brushed against Ansel’s, we get the story of his life and the true magnitude of his crimes and his punishment. Notes On An Execution is a cleverly written, sprawling story of tragedy and broken lives. It’s very dark and gritty with some truly disturbing content including graphic animal death, so be aware of that. The book is full of philosophy and musings on what is good and bad -isn’t everything always a mixture of both? Incredibly thought-provoking and a very unique take on a thriller, it’s a must-read for anyone looking for something different within dark fiction.

[holdurown]

🐺RULES OF WOLVES REVIEW🐺

hey so i uh. finished the book last night and here are my thoughts

disclaimer(s): this will be long and also probably incoherent. if you have different opinions that’s great, and i will be glad to hear them, just please do not be mad at me. some more important things to know might be: a) i read this in a very short period of time so my brain is a bit overloaded and that might affect my perception of the plot. b) i don’t care abt the darkling, i basically never have

also spoilers obviously

alright, let’s start with stuff i didn’t like so we can get that over with:

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE

i really hate the trope of big bad gets defeated and it’s really narratively and emotionally satisfying and then they just...get brought back. it cheapens the end of ruin and rising for me. that was the one time i felt anything for the darkling, when he just wants to be remembered right before his death. but then he gets brought back. and i’m like 😒 ok. so i didn’t really enjoy his chapters, i don’t enjoy him as a character, and i thought his chapters stalled the plot.

the plot pacing...maybe it’s just because i did a speed run through it, but there was maybe too much going on? like the characters were doing totally different things away from each other, so some parts felt rushed. it felt like some important scenes were cut for time. one example is when david dies. we leave off with genya saying she can’t find him, and then we go to zoya’s pov at his funeral. but zoya was somewhere totally else right before? anyway, some parts felt like they were just there to wrap up loose ends, and i was kind of skimming

i could’ve done with a little more on zoya’s feelings for nikolai. like her internal monologue. we got a little bit of it, but between her realization that it’s ok to love people and let them in and the scene with their kiss, i could’ve used a bit where she was like, “oh, i need to tell him now.” a scene where she’s kind of realized that she deserves him?

this is minor, but i really thought we would get a scene between jesper and leoni where they talked about his mom’s sacrifice, idk i thought it would’ve been a nice full circle moment

WHY DIDN’T WE GET THE NINEJ REUNION IN NINA’S POV?! IM GOING TO ******* *** yeah i really wanted that

at the end, i felt like we were missing some kind of emotional climax. i don’t know exactly why i feel this way. i think it’s because the battle with zoyadragon happens and then we go straight into nikolai making a bid for queen zoya. maybe the emotional climax was supposed to be the darkling? idrk

aaaaand that’s all i can think of for that

THINGS I LIKED (OR LOVED)

the emotional beats felt very similar to fire (by kristen cashore) in some places and that’s my favorite book. the idea of pushing people away because you’re scared of the grief of their death? go read fire!

that zoya ended up on the throne. i liked it a lot, it just feels right

hannina, because i’ve been gunning for them since king of scars came out and i couldn’t find fan art or fics or anything, they are so underrated. i could talk abt them forever. the idea of nina being able to heal from the pain of matthias’ death and move on with someone else? i loved it. i think sometimes fandoms have a hard time coming to grips with the idea that people can love more than one person in their lifetime

hanne trans rep! i think this storyline was developed well, even though i kind of wanted them to be able to run wild and free in the countryside. ruling a kingdom seems stifling, but that’s just me

nina bi rep, and you know what? we get such shitty bi rep in ya fantasy, i’m still recovering from whatever the fuck sjm did. thank god for nina. the best bi rep in any ya fantasy i’ve read so far💖💜💙

that brief interlude in ketterdam. was it necessary? maybe not, but it was one of my favorite parts. i just breathe a sigh of relief when i’m around the crows again

genya and zoya and alina and nina’s friendship. i already said it in a post, but well-written female friendships are surprisingly hard to find in ya. friendship is inherently romantic! zoya holding up genya after david. zoya’s feelings for nina in contrast with how nina thinks zoya feels about her is just (👩‍🍳💋)

SO WHAT NEXT?

i don’t think we’ve gotten any news abt a sequel, so this is probably the end of the grishaverse for now. what i want most of all is a collection of short stories from different povs all around the grishaverse. just one chapter little slices of their lives. here’s some possibilities i was dreaming up

inej taking down a slaver’s ship, being a pirate, in her element

hanne and nina on vacation from ruling, maybe riding horses, just some fluff

jesper and leoni meet, it would be emotionally charged, they would talk abt his mom and she might start teaching him more fabrikator things

nikolai and linnea opjer? just linnea opjer? i’m so curious about this character

kaz waiting for inej to sail into the harbor. he’s by the docks, he has some kind of present for her. them bickering? sitting on a roof together? idk i just want to live in kaz’s pov when he’s thinking about inej

what are the khergud soldiers up to?

nikolai’s off doing diplomacy things, being charming, in his element, but then he comes back for zoya’s surprise birthday party. this would just be so good

reunion of the crows?

i’ll probably think up more. they could essentially be like one-shot fics, but i want leigh to write themmmmm

to finish, here are some parts i highlighted

hmmm i wonder what this reminds me of... “I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together-knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.” oh yeah that’s it

this whole rant was such a mess i’m truly sorry if you made it this far

[slashyrogue]

It wasn’t easy for a human to attract a shifter. 

Or so Will had heard. 

He’d never had much experience with them, but the rarity of human x shifter couplings were so that there were even classes in order to help those who were desperately attracted to the idea. 

His shifter wasn’t hard to attract at all. 

The minute he’d met Dr. Hannibal Lecter, the cat shifter had formed an odd attachment to him. This phenomena was even more rare, as cats were the most fickle of the shifter types. There were some cats who didn’t mate at all, finding solace in being alone, and others who only stayed amongst their own kind. 

Hannibal seemed the first type, or so the many people who remarked to Will later would tell him, and as the weeks progressed Will found himself with a conundrum. 

He wasn’t interested. 

Will had never been interested in relationships with other humans, let alone becoming a shifter mate for life, and though Hannibal tried his best to woo him he really wasn’t Will’s type. Shifters in general had never paid much attention to Will that way so he’d ignored them when he found someone to spend the night with, and Hannibal’s attractiveness aside there was just nothing about him Will found interesting. 

But how to tell him? 

Jack Crawford had remarked to Will how “sensitive” an issue like rejection was to shifters. A wolf shifter himself, Jack was the only shifter Will knew outside of Hannibal he could talk to. 

“You’re sure about this, Will?” Jack asked, frowning, “I mean...you know what they say about cat shifters.” 

Will blushed. 

“I do."

“So, I mean...”

“I’m not interested, Jack,” he sighed, “And it’s getting to be a problem.”

Cat shifters were said to be amazing in bed, like one night with one and you’d never want to be with anyone else again. 

Will thought that sounded terrifying. 

Hannibal’s attempts at wooing him so far had begun to increase, nightly offerings of food and companionship that Will didn’t want or need but couldn’t turn away. He knew this was supposed to be a compliment, but it was starting to effect his entire life. 

“Well,” Jack sighed, scratching behind the brown ears on top of his head, “Just do it gently. I’ve heard cats can get...prickly. Hannibal doesn’t seem the type but you never know.” 

“I’ll try.” 

“And maybe I’ll start looking for another psychiatrist to...help you through your...problem.” 

Will nodded and left Jack’s office, feeling a bit better, and yet as he waited for the elevator doors to open he knew he’d miss that aspect of all this. 

His weekly visits to Hannibal’s office were nice, friendly, and Will didn’t genuinely hate them. Hannibal treated him like a person, more so than most humans did, and as much as he wasn’t attracted to him he wanted to remain friends. 

Would that even be possible after this? 

The doors opened and Will was so caught up in his thoughts he didn’t notice he wasn’t alone till the doors closed. 

“Hello, Will.” 

Hannibal’s accented purr startled him, making Will jump in surprise. “Hannibal,” he squeaked, coughing, “I...I didn’t notice you. Sorry.” 

“You seem upset. Is there an assignment from Jack that’s troubling you?” 

“No,” he whispered, squeezing his hands at his sides, “Nothing like that.” 

“I see.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I was looking for you,” Hannibal said honestly, “And as you were not home I suspected you to be here.” 

Will blushed. “Oh.” 

“Is there something the matter?” 

He couldn’t bring himself to look at him. “No.” 

“Will...” 

“Not here,” he mumbled, shaking his head, “It’s best if we...” 

The elevator suddenly lurched and he fell back only to have Hannibal catch him. He stared up into Hannibal’s amber eyes, surprised, and pulled himself away a moment later. 

“What was that?” 

Hannibal walked to the elevator buttons and pressed them. 

Nothing happened. 

“It seems we’re stuck. The elevator must have stalled.” 

Will sighed, leaning against the wall. “Perfect.”

Hannibal smiled at him. “Is it?” 

He frowned. “I didn’t mean...” 

“We will have some time alone together until it’s fixed I suspect. If you wanted to talk about your problem now....” 

“No,” Will sighed, “I...” 

“Will, you’ve never had a problem speaking your mind to me before. What is it that makes this different?” 

He blushed, looking down at his shoes. “It’s not--”

“Is this because of my interest?” 

Will looked up at him. “Um...” 

He watched Hannibal’s face fall. “I see.” 

“It’s been a few weeks and really I like talking to you in sessions but---” 

Hannibal moved as far away from him as possible. “No, it’s perfectly fine. I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to accept my courting if you weren’t attracted.” 

Will’s stomach tightened. “I’m not....into shifters. Okay? I haven’t really ever been that much into men in general. It’s not you, it’s---” 

“Please, don’t,” Hannibal hissed, his eyes suddenly flashing, “I do not need your pity.” 

“Hannibal...” 

“I think it best if you call me, Dr. Lecter from now on. I’d prefer it.” 

The dismissal made Will sadder than it should have. “Ok.” 

Silence followed, and while Will’s phone didn’t work he was able to track fifteen minutes passed before someone’s voice came through the speaker. 

“Hello in there!” 

They both looked up from where they sat on the elevator floor and Will shot up rushing to the speaker. 

“Hey, we’re stuck!” 

“We see that! It’ll be a bit of a wait, fellas! Bobby called off sick and he’s the only one who knows how to handle number three but we’re calling in the repair guys who’ll be here in an hour.” 

Will sighed. “Fine. Just...let us know.” 

“Will do!” 

He saw Hannibal had moved away from him again and seemed to be doing everything he could not to acknowledge Will’s existence. 

“It--” 

“I heard,” Hannibal said, glaring at him, “I have very good hearing.” 

The pale brown ears at the top of his head were down low in his anger. Will had never seen them look like that before. “I know.” 

“And I’m very highly sought after,” Hannibal continued, “Many others want to mate with me. Many, many, others.” 

“I...” 

“Cat shifters are amongst the highest regard to mate with, did you know that?” 

Will blushed. “Yes.” 

“And yet...” 

“It’s me, Han---Dr. Lecter. Not you. You’re...great. Attractive, nice, and just...great.” 

Hannibal frowned, his ears raising. “And yet you do not find yourself attracted to me.” 

“No.” 

“Have you even attempted to see me in that regard?” 

Will cocked his head. “What do you mean?” 

“Have you...let yourself see me in that regard? Thought of me when you were pleasuring yourself? Imagined what mating with me would be like?” 

Will felt his cheeks redden. “No.” 

“Why?” 

“I just...didn’t.” 

Hannibal crawled closer to him, staying on his hands and knees as he looked at Will. He could smell his aftershave, and the light in his eyes was oddly beautiful. 

“Because you don’t think you ever could or because you’re afraid if you did you wouldn’t want to stop?” 

Will licked his lips. “Hann...” 

Hannibal leaned down to run his tongue across Will’s knuckles. He shivered, and a sudden throb of desire seemed to kick in. “I would do my best to pleasure you, Will. As much as you could handle and often.” 

He nuzzled Will’s hand now, and Will couldn’t resist scratching under his chin. 

“Dr. Lecter...” 

“Hannibal,” he purred, looking up again, “Please, Will...call me Hannibal.” 

Will’s cock twitched. “Hannibal, this...” 

“Are you interested now, Will?” 

“Yes,” Will said without hesitation, “What are you doing to me?” 

Hannibal smiled and licked Will’s hand again. “Absolutely nothing.” 

Will sighed. “No, you have to be. I...” 

“You saw me as a sexless figure, Will, and were unable to get past that. This seems to have been what was stopping you.” 

“No, I’m not even into shifters.” 

Hannibal lifted his head and Will watched as his whiskers grew more prominent. 

“Perhaps you’re only into me.” 

He reached up to touch Hannibal’s cheek and swallowed past the dryness in his throat. “Or you’re using some kind of cat sex trick on me.” 

Hannibal climbed up into his lap and Will groaned as he felt him grind against his already hardening cock. “Mmmm...” 

Will found it hard to concentrate on anything else, grabbing hold of his hips and arching up to meet the tease. “Fuck...” 

He licked across Will’s cheek and the loud purr he gave made Will whimper. 

“Shall I stop?” 

“No,” Will sighed, “Fuck, don’t...” 

The sudden lurch of the elevator made them both pause. Will felt them start to move and they looked at each other. Hannibal smiled and teased another lick to Will’s cheek. 

“It seems we’ll have to continue this another time.” 

He got up and Will whimpered at the loss. “Wait!” 

Hannibal stared down at him smugly. “It seems...you’re attracted to shifters after all.” 

Will sighed. “You can’t just leave me like this.” 

The elevator doors opened and Hannibal walked through to the other side. He turned to wink at Will. “If you’re interested in continuing our...discussion...you know where to find me.” 

And with that he was gone. 

Will stood up slowly, blushing as several people stared at him, and rushed out of the elevator. His cock was so hard he could barely walk and yet he got to his car barely able to stop thinking about Hannibal. 

The minute he was alone he had to resist the urge to jerk off. 

“Fuck.” 

It seemed he was interested after all. 

[tinumiel]

Time for the tea aka I just finished Rule of Wolves

Spoiler alert...I...was kind of really disappointed by it :/

NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE’S SPOILERS OVER SPOILERS FOR KING OF SCARS AND RULE OF WOLVES BELOW THE READ MORE...Also a long ass essay no one asked for, I just needed to vent.

General Impression.

I was kind of disappointed, because the duology was sold as a Nikolai Lantsov duology, and while I definitely felt that was delivered in King of Scars, I feel like in Rule of Wolves he just sort of became a secondary character to the stories of others like Nina and Zoya (which don’t get me wrong, I love that they gain protagonism, but then why sell the whole thing as Nikolai centered?). That said, I loved Nina’s entire storyline and really enjoyed the Shu Han plot (which I think sets up quite nicely for a new, independent storyline).

Things I DID NOT like.

First I’ll speak of things that I didn’t like but more because of personal preferences. That is, things I didn’t like, but I can see why other did enjoy.

Zoyalai. I guess this has a lot to do with the fact that I am a Nikolina shipper first and a human being second and it’s hard for me to let go of a ship once I’ve invested myself in it. I wanted to like Zoyalai, and I did for the majority of King of Scars, but in Rule of Wolves, it suddenly started to feel kind of forced to me. I think they have a lot of things in common, but differ in very fundamental aspects that on the long run simply wouldn’t make them work. But more than that, I felt like their entire lovestory in Rule of Wolves was basically some kind of Nikolina AU in which everything that a very large chunk of the fandom wanted to see with Nikolai x Alina, was given to Zoya x Nikolai. It almsot felt as if Leigh Bardugo said “Oh well, the fans really wanted to see this, but since I gave the character they wanted to see in it a different ending, I’ll just give it to them but with a different character” and Zoya was just the one available for the plot. They did have some cute moments and I definitely do enjoy their relationship, but more as confidents and friends than lover interests.

Zoya’s storyline. I feel like Zoya was done dirty in Rule of Wolves, which is kind of ironic considering she ends the story with pretty much everything she dreamed of and more. But i felt like in King of Scars, Zoya went through a very interesting journey. She was always this character than sticks almost stubbornly into a certain way things should be, she doesn’t like stepping out of her comfort zone because she likes to feel in control. And in King of Scars she went through a journey in which she gradually learned to step outside the box. But I felt like for the most of Rule of Wolves, she simply reverted back, completely ignoring her changes in the previous book, until the very last minute in which she has this sudden epiphany moment about letting go, which seemed unnecessary to me since she had already experienced it in King of Scars. Secondly, on a similar note with the whole Zoyalai being a Nikolina AU with a different character, I felt like in Rule of Wolves Zoya was simply shoved into the alternate role many of us hoped to see Alina in. Not just as Nikolai’s partner, but as a person. Think of it, she gained this power no one else possesses, she becomes pretty much one of a kind, she becomes a queen that represent reunification. It’s basically as if she became a version of what Alina could have been, but with a different personality. A soldier queen? Alina was a soldier. A grisha queen? Alina was grisha. A suli queen? Alina was not half suli, but she is half shu, which are pretty much equally discriminated against. And finally, there’s this part in which I think it’s Nikolai refers to her as “Soldier. Summoner. Saint”. Sounds familiar? Because it’s the exact same words written on every cover of the Shadow and Bone trilogy, referring to Alina. It makes me very upset that they gave Zoya this discarded storyline for Alina instead of building up her own storyline (Not to mention: it did Alina equally dirty because she lost all of those conditions because Mal couldn’t handle being in the shadow of someone extraordinary, but that’s another story). 

Not for things I didn’t like, but for much more rational reasons.

The Darkling. When I finished reading King of Scars, I thought bringing him back was a pretty good plotwist. But it was also a tricky choice, because it coul fall into the “He was such a appealing villain tor readers in the first trilogy, I’ll bring him back to have the same success” trap. And that’s exactly what happen. I feel like if a villain (or any character really) is going to be brought back, then they have to fill in a different role from the one they originally occupied. The Darkling is basically the same. Even his conditions aren’t fundamentally that different once he gets his powers back. All the Darkling really needs are his powers, his tongue and a group of people desperate enough for someone to follow. And he had all of those things in Rule of Wolves, so it was simply repetitive. It was like the Darkling, but in rags.Plus it didn’t feel so much as a storyline, but more like a constant reminder of “LOOK HOW EVIL HE IS HE NEVER CARED FOR ANYONE. THAT QUOTE YOU PEOPLE LOVE SO MUCH ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD IS ACTUALLY MEANINGLESS LOOK HOW MUCH HE SUCKS”. Like, I don’t need to be reminded he’s a bad guy, I am fully capable of knowing this and still liking his character. He’s a fictional character, I don’t need to be reminded of it. I’m capable of rational thought. Not to mention his ending felt like a huge nothing. “And he impaled himself to a tree”. It just felt like more of an excuse to set up for a Six of Crows #3 book. It’s just disrespectful to the fascinating character from Shadow and Bone. It basically took away everything that made him such a good character.

David dying.Fine, not much rational reasons here. It’s just doing my baby dirty. Why, oh why is Mal still alive, boring, toxic Mal who spent most of his time putting his love interest down; while David, sweet David who compromised and made an effort to do things that would make his wife happy even though it was hard for him, dies? It’s just cruel. 

All in all, I felt like the Ravka storyline pretty much fell apart in Rule of Wolves. I almsot felt tempted to skip it if it wasn’t because I didn’t want to miss any Nikolai quotes. I felt like Leigh Bardugo doesn’t really know what to do with the characters, and it became pretty obvious to me during the titanium heist with the special guest starring of the Crows. In like two chapters, I felt like Kaz, Jesper and Wylan were more smoothly written than any of the Ravkans. Which was really sad for me, considering how Nikolai is my favorite character in the entire verse, and Zoya was such an amazing character in the original series (and in KOS too).

What I DID LIKE.

Nina’s storlyine. Just, all of it. It was exciting, and dynamic, and you could perceive Nina’s character arc while still never straying into ooc territory. The way her griedf was treated, her loyalties, her desire to fight, her desire for revenge but also her desire to honor Matthias’s memory. All of it was so flawlessly written. I thought I’d be bored with her stuck in the Ice Court, but it was the storyline I actually enjoyed the most. The Fjerdan intrigues and political battles, and Nina in the midst of it. trying to do what was best for her country and the people she loved.  I love what was done to her character.

On the same note, I love Nina and Hanne. This, unlike my problem with Zoyalai, is a case in which, while I adored an original ship, I actually ended up enjoying the new one. Matthias and Nina were perfect for each other. But I loved how Hanne came to offer a new love. (I’m not sure if I should refer Hanny as she or he, so I’ll just use they until I get a better notion of what pronouns the character identifies with). It genuinely felt  like they were not a replacement for Matthias, or an upgrade. They were a love interest on their own, with their own story, not a “what if” version of another love story. Plus, Hanne is just objectively great.

The Shu-Han storyline. I didn’t even know I needed it, but it was so fascinating to read about the Shu. I find there is a lot to unpack and I really hope in the future, Leigh Bardugo will write a new series  following those characters. I loved Mayu and Ehri and grandmother Leyti. Plus, Mahki would make a great antagonist. And it would suppose a new colorfun addition to the countries we already know well, like Ravka and Fjerda, plus the city of Ketterdam.

The Crows. I know it was probably pure fan service, but I love just how well written they are, how you can really tell that Leight Bardugo has the complete hang and understanding of the characters. Plus, it’s always nice to see how my babies are doing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

All in all, I felt that the book had some highlights, but some decisions just pretty much ruined it for me. I hope the good parts are picked up and carried on in different sagas, and the rest...well, I guess I’ll keep on pretending the Ravka story finished when Alina and Nikolai were watching the stars fall and from then on, imagine they got marries, became an awesome power couple, and were the godparents of all of Genya and David’s beautiful, clever children. While Zoya looked upon all of them like “These are a pack of idiots but they are my pack of idiots and I am so proud”.

If you read this rant until the end, you’re awesome. If you liked Rule of Wolves, damn you are so lucky and I am glad you enjoyed it like I wish I had. But at least we can all join together under one common thought: Jarl Braum is a little bitch.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Undercover Lover prt 79 prt 1

79

Driving back to Trost felt wrong. Leaving Eren again felt wrong. In the end Levi nearly turned back half a dozen times before giving up and giving in. He’d wanted to respect Eren’s wishes. He truly did, so he found himself a hotel room before sitting down on the edge of the bed for some serious wallowing. There he was, 43 fucking years old, pining over his brat who was 15 years his junior. Life. Work. Existing. He’d gone through all the steps before Eren came along. He’d tried dating. He’d tried feeling. Now all he felt was old and useless in the face of what he’d left Eren to go through. How the fuck had he let himself fuck it all up so fucking bad? Why did he run away at thought of losing Eren? Why did he have to let his shitty fears get the best of him when Eren needed him the most?

There weren’t enough hours in the day to scrub away the memory of that day. He’d lied to his friends. He’d lied to himself. He’d broken Eren’s heart and his own along with it. Then he talked about respecting Eren, only to now he renting a shit hole of a room because he couldn’t walk away again. Hanji had tried her fucking hardest to help him. All he’d done was blow up at her. He’d blown up at everyone out of his own self caused misery. He’d thought Eren could forget him. He wasn’t all the great things Eren saw in him. His brat hadn’t left his mind for an instant. He missed it all. Eren didn’t need a snivelling alpha who let his fears get in the way. He needed Levi to get his shit together and prove himself through his actions.

He missed Eren being at home waiting for him. He missed Eren giving him shit about not bothering to know the neighbours. He missed the days when they did nothing but lay on the sofa together like the world didn’t matter. He missed cooking for his brat, and knowing in some way Eren understood why he was the way he was. He missed listening to Eren go on and on about his bike to the point he was jealous of the damn thing. There was this kind of energy that came from the omega when he was working. Whether it be on a case or on his bike, Eren had such pride in what he did that Levi envied him. He didn’t want to hold Eren back. He wanted the omega to achieve everything he ever wanted. He didn’t own Eren and never had, no, Eren had gifted him with his love and he’d fucked it up.

His depression had been worse than it’d ever been before. Thoughts of acting reckless and stupid invading his mind. He’d been such a coward and he hated himself so much it made him physically sick for a time. Even working with his team didn’t distract him from Eren. He couldn’t go out in the field as he was, so worked what he could from their centre of operations, annoyed he’d been benched over his own shitty actions. Why couldn’t he have accepted things sooner? He’d been thinking about Eren wanting children... He’d let himself think about it. He’d let himself start to want it then feared he’d ruin Eren’s life if they stayed together. He couldn’t... he couldn’t walk away and wait another two weeks, no matter how selfish that made him.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he opened his photos. Their daughter right there. He didn’t want to walk away from her. He didn’t want her to be asking the same questions he had. If she was loved. If she came from love. If she was wanted. Who her father was. Did his father even care that he’d existed or had he never know? Had his mother truly loved him or was he a reminder of what could have been one of the worst experiences of her life? What would it have been like to grow up with her there? Would she have loved him? Would she have accepted him? It’d been so long he no longer remembered the face of his mother. He didn’t remember how she smelt or how it felt to be with her. He didn’t want children because... deep down, his biggest fear was he’d pass on his sins to any child he had. He feared his sins as much as he’d feared Eren hating him. He’d feared his omega dying trying to chase his dreams. Eren out there somewhere happy without him was a far easier pill to swallow then Eren not being out there at all.

Eren had told him he’d do some “serious thinking”. Levi wanted to throw all thought out the window and let emotion cloud both their judgements. He wanted to take Eren on a proper date. He wanted to see him smile... and maybe just a little bit hoped that his omega would go “dumb” as he’d complained he did so often. Eren could be very dumb, yet he wasn’t stupid. He’d never been stupid in all the time Levi had known him, despite doing some pretty stupid things. Fuck, if he was going to ignore Eren’s wishes, he might as well call him now and take the scolding he was bound to receive... but first he had to do something about the lie he’d been lying. He was going to be a father and it was about time he spoke up about it... and the first person he really owed it to was Hanji.

Rewriting his message to shitty foureyes twice, it took all of thirty seconds for Hanji to be calling him back. He could imagine Hanji there with her hands in some shitty corpse getting Moblit to read the message to her, before she promptly dropped everything. Sliding his thumb across to answer, Hanji was already yelling before he moved the phone to his ear

“Levi! What the fuck do you mean Eren is pregnant?!? Did you get him pregnant?! Are you really going to be father?! How is he?! Is he talking to you?! You better have fucking apologised or I’m going to castrate you! Did this happen in Marley? Is he okay? When did this happen?! Levi? You better still be there!”

Hanji had a way with words and ignoring the basic function of breathing between words

“Levi!? Say something!”

“Hey, Hanji. I’m going to be a dad”

“Oh, thank god. Now, what do you mean our Eren is pregnant? I know you saw him in Marley but...”

“I fucked it all up”

Hanji took a sharp breath

“You better not be telling me what I think you’re telling me”

Yep. She’d already guessed the truth

“Yeah...”

Levi had winced in preparation, moving his phone away from his ear as Hanji started yelling again

“Are you stupid?! How could you do to that to him?!”

“Trust me, I know how dumb I was”

“Do you?! He’s an unstable omega! How could you do that to him?! Do you know how much he loved you? How much he trusted you?! What if he’d had a drop?! What if his dynamic had shifted? To much beta and he could lose the baby!”

“I know... I mean, I talked to Hannes. Eren didn’t mention it, and I’m waiting until he brings it up”

“You’re the dumbest arsehole I know. Eren wouldn’t want you to worry! Where are you?”

“In Nedlay...”

“Good. I want you to go throw yourself at his feet and beg his forgiveness!”

Levi sighed deeply, Hanji needed to stop watching so many weird movies

“I’ve already apologised... He wanted time to think... but I don’t think I can leave him again...”

Hanji let out an equally deep sigh

“I know you’re not dumb but I’m so fucking pissed at you. At least now I know why you’ve been insufferable dick. Is he at least okay?”

“Yeah... Fuck, Hanji you should see him. He’s so excited about the baby...”

He’d nearly told her it was girl, but Eren should at least have the choice when he shared that. As far as he knew, Armin hadn’t been told yet

“... they’re so small... He’s gone through so much alone... but... I’m going to be a dad...”

A dad to someone who’d wear those tiny socks he’d bought. Someone who’d be so tiny and grow up in front of their eyes...

“Levi... I get that you’re caught up in this, but have you really thought things through? I’m not trying to be a bitch here, but babies in general are more work than people think...”

“I know. I already talked to Hannes...”

And he’d read himself into a hole of tangled thoughts from all the online advice

“Which is good and all, but did you try talking to Eren about what he wants and needs from you as his partner? You can’t walk away again... and you shouldn’t have in the first place”

“I know... He says he doesn’t want anything...”

“Idiot. Of course he does. He’s a pregnant unbonded omega who fell head over heels for our resident cranky pants. You’re lucky he’s talking to you at all, but if he’s not being honest about his pregnancy with you, then you need to be the one honest with him. There’s this magical thing called talking. You two were getting good at that”

They’d talked last night. Eren missed everyone from Shinganshima and Trost... Isabel would be so excited to know Eren was pregnant... Yet... Hanji wasn’t there. She wasn’t in Eren’s head, nor had seen him. He’d told Eren how he felt, but maybe it was time to go big? He didn’t want Eren thinking he didn’t respect him

“I don’t want him to feel pressured or obligated”

“Because love is logical like that? Does he know you’re there?”

“Yeah. We talked a bit. I was going back to Trost today and I couldn’t do it. It felt wrong to leave him”

“And you say I’m the idiot. You’ve been a complete bastard since you two broke up. I understand why now, and I knew it was hard because everyone could see how much you adored him, but you’re not listening to your instincts. You need to be there for him. Having his alpha there for the pregnancy will help him stay calm and settled, though with you, I wouldn’t be surprised if snaps and smothers you in your sleep”

“I want to be... Fuck, Hanji. I want to be there for him”

“Then go call him. You fucked things up but Eren is Eren. Tell him how you feel”

“I already did. He wanted space to think”

“And you rolled over and let him. Now, I have a baby shower to plan, and you’re not coming home until you bring him back”

Eren wouldn’t love Levi dictating his life. Why was he the only one who seemed to be listening to what Eren had to say? Hanji knew how damn stubborn Eren could be

“He’s got a life here”

Hanji sounded ready to explode. Levi didn’t think he was being dumb enough to warrant her annoyance

“And you won’t if you don’t make up with our Eren. You’re lucky you’re not here or I’d stab you myself. Please tell Eren I’m excited for him. Who would have thought you’d be a father?”

Though she didn’t say it was because he was “fucked up”, Levi could hear it in her tone

“Not me... I’ve got to go. Thanks for the chat”

“You should be thanking me. And tell Eren to message me. I miss him...”

“You do realise he’s carrying my baby”

Hanji cackled like the maniac she was

“Pffft. I’m clearly the better choice. Widdle Levi’s gonna a widdle ba-“

Hanging up Hanji. He didn’t want to hear it if she wasn’t going to be serious. She hadn’t even congratulated him. Now that he’d told her, she’d tell everyone. Shit. He didn’t want Isabel and Farlan finding out from Hanji... nor did he have the energy for another phone call with a screaming woman. Texting both of them, pride came with being able to tell. He’d kept quiet for Eren, and now he finally had the chance to brag that his brat of an omega was carrying their baby. It’d been hard not to confide in Erwin. Erwin less than impressed to learn the secret he’d been keeping. He wanted to tell his team. To tell Hannes. To shove it Grisha’s face that he was missing out on the life of the most amazing omega he’d ever met. Hopefully Eren would hear him out about staying, and hopefully his brat would like what he was planning.

*

Watching Levi leave, Eren needed a few moments. The alpha’s anger had made his omega panicky. Levi meeting Floch wasn’t supposed to happen. Floch would have known who Levi was, without Levi having to introduce himself. If it weren’t for that shitty call to forensics to see if they could get their evidence bumped up in the queue Levi wouldn’t have had to come looking for him.

Heading back into the foyer, Floch was waiting for him. Eren had half a mind to punch him in the face again for talking to Levi. Instead, he ignored the alpha, knowing it’d upset Floch more that way. Heading towards the elevator, Floch followed him. Why couldn’t he take a hint already? Hitting the button Floch moved to stand next to him, nearly as unnerving as having the man behind him

“What’s in the bag?”

“None of your business”

“I’m only trying to make conversation”

“From what I understand you’ve been telling people I’m a slut. How’s that for conversation?”

As the elevator doors opened, Floch followed him in. Eren lifting up the bag to rifle through what the hell Levi had bought. There was more in the bag than the two prescriptions he’d been expecting

“It’s not like that...”

“Floch, I don’t care. You can play all the games you want to, but if you ever go near Levi again, I won’t hold back”

“I’m telling you it wasn’t like that. He wanted directions to your office”

Three bottles of hydralites sat in the bag, as well as big block of chocolate and something pinkish down the very bottom of the bag that he couldn’t pull out without making a mess. Levi didn’t have to buy him anything, yet the gesture was appreciated

“I know. Reception called me. But what this has to do with you I fail to see”

“Because it’s clear you’re setting yourself up to be hurt...”

“Whether it is or isn’t, isn’t your business”

“But you need someone... You don’t have to go through this alone”

“Floch, I’m fine. I don’t need someone”

“Then what’s in the bag? If you were fine you wouldn’t need so many pills. We weren’t the best when we were together but we could try...”

“No. And don’t even think about leaving flowers on my desk again. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but this is my life. I’d die before I get back with the likes of you”

Floch threw his hands up. The alpha could lay hands on him in the elevator when there was a camera right there

“I’m trying to be there for you. Why can’t you listen to me?!”

“What? Listen to you tell the father of my child that I get around?!”

“He left you... I wouldn’t make that mistake again. We could be a family. You, me and the baby... I’d love it like it was my own”

Eren wished to god the camera wasn’t watching them, or Floch would be eating meals through a straw

“Floch. Your childish obsession needs to come to an end”

“No, you need to see sense. No one’s going to love you like I do. Please Eren, tell me what to do to make you see that”

“Nothing is going to make that happen. I’m going back to the case and I suggest you should too”

Having borrowed a conference room to go through all the evidence again, Eren was stuck with Floch following him. Armin watching the pair of them enter, silently asking if he needed to kill Floch with his eyes. Giving a slight shake of his head, Eren dumped the bag down in front of where he’d been sitting

“Right. Where are we?”

Please for the love of his sanity don’t let them be going over people’s socials again...

“We’ve finally got the call records back for the bouncer. I thought you’d like to see them first”

“Perfect. Do you have the call log for the omega too? I want to cross reference the numbers”

“Sure do. What’s in the bag and why do you smell awful?”

Seeing Floch was sure to open his mouth, Eren figured he should explain things first

“Levi brought me some things I’d left with him yesterday, and picked my scripts up for me this morning”

Armin gave a squeal jumping on the spot in happiness

“Dude! How did you not tell me?! I asked and you said no”

“Because I thought he’d be on his way to Nedlay but he had the ultrasound photos and my stuff from the obstetrician. Can we get on with work now?”

“Nooo. Oh my god, did he see the baby?!”

“If I say yes, will you let me get on with my work?”

Armin squealed again, rushing to throw his arms around him. His best friend seemed to have forgotten there were other people in the room

“I’m so happy, but you’re being careful right? You have to tell me everything when we’re done here”

“Seeing you’re giving me a ride after work, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. There’s not much to tell. It was... nice”

“You totally slept with him, didn’t you?”

“‘Min, we’re at work, can we please focus? I’d rather not discuss my private life with a witness”

Armin let him go

“I know. It’s just you guys are so in love and now he’s met the baby... I would have congratulated him if I’d known he was here”

“You can congratulate him when you see him next, and for the third time, can we please get back to the case?”

The expression on Floch’s face left him feeling uncomfortable. Armin’s excitement seemed to be pissing the alpha off

“Okay, okay. Sooo do you want to write on the board or should I?”

“You can. I’ll read the numbers. Let’s start with the omega first. Did we get the club call list?”

“No dice there. Not enough evidence despite the dealing happening there”

“Fuck. Well, I guess we just have to do things the old fashion way”

Knowing there was chocolate there, Eren pulled out the bar, then gave into his curiosity as he emptied the bag to the bottom layer. Socks. Three sets of tiny socks. His omega melting at the size of them. They were so tiny. Tiny and very cute with their pink bows... Levi had given their baby a gift. The first gift he’d gotten for his little girl. Tearing up, he wanted to laugh at how much of a practical gift giver Levi was

“Eren?”

Quickly wiping away his tears, Eren placed the papers from the obstetrician over them, then replaced his medication into the bag. The socks were so small. Socks for their baby girl... Levi didn’t have to... but he had and now Eren wished he hadn’t left. He would have thanked him if he’d known. He hadn’t bought anything for their daughter yet and the gesture had him feeling so emotional

“Sorry. I’m good”

Armin raised an eyebrow

“Right. That’s why you’re crying”

“It’s hormones. I’m so happy to have chocolate that you wouldn’t believe it”

Armin shook his head, turning back to the glass board

“I don’t. You ready with those numbers?”

“Yep, gimme a second...”

Breaking for lunch, Armin hung back with Eren. Having demolished the whole block of chocolate, the sugar crash wasn’t fun but it’d been so worth it. Waiting for the room to clear, his best friend was on him the moment the coast was clear

“Why didn’t you tell me Levi was back?! Did he go to the scan? Is he staying? I know you said he’d be back but what happened?!”

“We’re having a baby girl... I wanted to tell Mikasa first, but she’s not on until tonight. Levi came to the scan, and he spent the night”

“Eren!”

“Not like that. We slept... that’s all that happened in bed. But... I left my prescription in his car so he picked it up. ‘’Min, you’ve got to see this”

Pulling the socks out the bag, Armin awwed over them

“They’re so tiny”

“Yeah... and he... he chose them himself. I don’t want to rush things... and he gets that, but I can’t help but hate that he’s gone again”

“Why didn’t you ask him stay?”

“I’ve got the baby to think about. I... you know how much it hurt to lose him once. What if he leaves us again? I won’t do that to her... You should have seen his face at the ultrasound... and he... he wanted to know how the baby was, how he could help...”

“I know he hurt you. I still want to kick him in the balls for it, but he loves you. You love him”

If only things could be settled that easily

“I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want our daughter growing up with parents that can’t talk to each other... I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me. Not just because I’m carrying his baby”

“He loved you before then. If he wants to be involved, that can only be a good thing. He had to have given it a lot of thought, with all you said, I get the feeling he wouldn’t have wanted to leave either”

“But how am I supposed to work this out when I’ve been doing it alone for so long? I can’t even think straight around him”

Armin snickered

“You do prefer men”

Eren mentally rolled his eyes

“You’re not funny. I’m serious here”

“I know. I also know you well enough to know you haven’t told him everything, have you?”

“No. And I feel like shit now. If I tell him and leaves us then there’s no hope left”

“And if you don’t tell him, it’s as good as lying to his face”

Armin moved onto the next set of socks

“I should hate him for the condition he left you in. You took weeks to settle back in. He broke you heart and I was scared he’d broken you... but obviously you two have a connection. Maybe you should go to Trost for a few days? Sit down and spend some real time together and see how it makes you feel”

“I can tell you it made me stupid yesterday. My omega couldn’t shut up about how happy it was to be near Levi”

“You are compatible partners. He even got morning sickness because you’re pregnant. You need to face it, you’re both hopeless. Look, all I’m saying is that you love him”

Love wasn’t the issue, but it was. Loving Levi came to easily even after all that had happened. It terrified Eren to think they could that if they bonded, they’d be more drawn to each other than ever before

“That’s not the problem”

“Then talk to him. He seems like he really needs to talk to you. I can come with you if that makes it easier”

Armin might be “pro-Levi” but that didn’t mean he didn’t have his own alpha instincts and putting the pair of them together wouldn’t result in someone taking a swing

“No... I need to work this out for myself”

“Okay, as long as you don’t forget you can talk to me”

“I know. So what do you think of the socks?”

Armin beamed at him

“Dude, they’re so fucking small! Was Mina this small? I feel like I can’t remember”

“She was tiny... you’d never know now”

“Man... I’m getting all clucky. Annie wants to wait a little longer until she’s done with her Mitras stuff”

Armin and Annie would be great parents. They’d be prepared and have each other’s backs for the whole thing

“You’ll be a great dad. I remember how much you helped me get through being a kid”

“I remember Mikasa chasing away all the bullies. Man, we’ve all come so far. They let arrest bullies now”

They were running more from him than Mikasa when they’d been kids. Whenever he’d shown up, they’d left Armin alone. Mikasa happened to be there by coincidence.

“Yeah. Still, you helped me out, and I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you enough for it”

Armin smacked his shoulder, trying to lighten the mood and change topic. When it came to serious praise his friend was great at deflecting it

“Pffft. Don’t go crying on me again. Can I see the scan now? I wanna see my niece”

“Can I send a photo to Mikasa first? You know, she is my sister and everything”

“Fine, but the second you’re done, I wanna see! Then we’re getting lunch. If I have to keep looking up names and numbers I’m going to need food”

*

The afternoon dragged on with them putting names to numbers. Eren well and truly over numbers as hung up, crossing yet another name off his list. Armin was doing the same on the other side of their office. Normally Armin would have insisted that this kind of work be passed to their junior officers, but Eren didn’t want Floch talking to potential connections. Nobody liked a spam caller, all of the people he’d called thought he was selling house insurance. Thank fuck they didn’t have to do things like other officers. Anyone could be a potential leak back to the main supplier, and or, dealer.

Coming in early for her shift, Mikasa brightened the day in a way she didn’t realise, just as Armin pegged him in the side of the face with a lackey band. Scowling at the world, his sister had been busy, carrying a gift bag with pink paper poking out the top

“I can’t believe you’re having a girl”

[thatonebirbnerd]

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

Prompt: Cryptids

Word count: 1343

Trigger warnings: Minor violence, body horror (description and image of aftermath)

Man, does coming back to writing feel good. This story is set around 1329.

AO3 link

---

“Haven’t you heard, Tolaug? There’s a terrible Mordrem in the Grove. I’ve been told stories of how it steals away young saplings, and drains them of life with its shimmering scarlet blade…”

My charr partner and I are sitting in a tavern outside Hoelbrak, enjoying a mug of the local beer as we plan our next adventure.

We call ourselves thrillseekers. The proper words would probably be “bounty hunter,” but that’s passe. We’ll do whatever earns us a living, and that’s easier to do in pairs.

“How have the Wardens not caught it? Surely such a huge, twisted creature would be hard to miss.”

“I don’t know.”

“Me either. But sounds like a cash prize waiting to happen. I like those.”

“Sounds like a plan. One Maguuma-style bonfire, coming right up.”

Hopefully this job doesn’t cause anything spectacular.

---

“Welcome, travelers. Please state your identities and business in the Grove.”

“Yes, Warden. I’m Hanne; the charr is Tolaug. We’re here to make… an arrest. We’ve tracked a Nightmare Court spy into the city.”

So far, so good. She’s always been the better liar.

“With all due respect, Hanne, such a case would be our business. The Wardens can take it from h-”

Not good. I unsheath my dagger, and feel a little fire in my veins. Hanne would tell me I’m getting too ready, too quickly.

“Trust us. It’ll be fine. This help?” My norn partner hands the warden a few gold pieces, and he sighs.

“If you insist. Don’t disappoint us, or we’re sending you home, by force.”

Bummer. Extortion worked. Ah, well; we’ll have plenty more knife time later.

---

Tolaug is disappointed. I can hear it in his breath, for Raven’s sake - he’s just growling to himself. “Cheer up, buddy,” I console him. “Sun’s about to set - we’re just in time. Let’s get hunting.”

“Ale first.”

“Do the sylvari even have that?”

“Time to find out.”

---

We decided to kill some time at one of the taverns. Tried some blackberry mead. Tasted an acidic sort of sugary, almost sickly-sweet, but certainly made us feel like we could stay on the chase for hours. All good things must come to an end, though. Night’s fallen, and the Grove and all its people have begun to glow. Hanne calls it “bioluminescence.” Reminds me of the Foefire, but not just blue - rather, every color imaginable.

“Alright, Hanne,” I remark as I stand up from the bar stool. “Excited for some action?”

“Couldn’t be more ready.”

---

From all the research I’ve done on this Mordrem killer, it doesn’t glow in the dark like other sylvari. I’ve made a sketch of it, compiled from all the accounts. It’s massive and covered in thick corrupted bark, with piercing red eyes - some say it has three of them, in fact - and an organic blade at its hip that’s tainted with dragon magic. Difficult to miss.

Now all that’s left is to find this odd creature out.

---

I think it’s been hours. The booze is making it hard to tell. No luck. Searched every level of the Grove. Got death-glared out of a few neighborhoods.

“You think… by some stroke of luck the Wardens got it recently? Too soon for the news to spread?”

“Can’t hurt to check.”

“To the jail, then.”

---

Hmm. No one looks out of pla- oh, Spirits.

“Tolaug. Ears up.”

“Wha-?”

It’s not quite like in the stories. For starters, “it” would appear to be a “she,” and…

“Wow. Not much of a giant.”

“We’re both bigger than her. Easy.” 

Who was freaking out about this thing, an asura? She’s huge by sylvari standards, but she’s only about the size of a tall human, or a tiny norn. Distinctly un-Mordrem white blossoms adorn the branches on her head. Seems… normal, at this angle, if not for the bark.

“That sword, though. I don’t like it.”

“Yeah,” Tolaug grumbles. “The accounts I heard got that part right.”

“The wardens seem to be on a shift change. Is she talking to that prisoner? Can we try this anyway?”

“I say do it.”

---

“But what about- Geanais! Watch out!”

What the -

I haven’t drawn my sword this quickly since… since the jungle. It catches the edge of a steel knife. I look up, into gray-black fur, feline amber eyes, and a confident sneer. I’ve never seen this charr before… 

---

“Why?”

The Mordrem’s eyes meet mine, and suddenly the stories and Hanne’s drawings make sense; her face is split down the middle, like an actor’s mask, and a third vermilion eye sits between her Pale-Tree-given pair. None of the three has a pupil. The effect is eerie.

I expected a murderer’s face, a twisted grimace, but all I see in her three eyes is fear.

“Why… are you trying to hurt me?”

Her voice still has that draconic rasp to it, a little. I notice that only one side of her mouth moves when she speaks, and only the eye on that side can blink. I wonder… 

---

I can’t stay in control for much longer. I don’t know why they want me dead. Please. Don’t make the dragon come out again… 

---

Tolaug is silent and stony-faced. That’s not the right move. I walk to his side, and give the sylvari - the prisoner called her Geanais - a good look.

“Oh, wow.”

“What?” grunts Tolaug. “Just dragon-spawn trash-”

“Tolaug!”

Geanais lunges at the oblivious charr with a cry of frustration. I take a step back, and he dodges just in time. 

“What are you waiting for? Bring her in!”

“She wasn’t trying to hurt you, but you called her all sorts of things and made her angry, you idiot!”

Geanais twitches and whimpers. Energy crackles at her balled fists and gleams through her eyes.

“Ugh. Alright,” pants Tolaug. He inches away, dagger still at the ready.

---

Everything feels hot. My vision’s gone red. I can’t keep it in…

---

I think I have to de-escalate this situation.

“It’s Geanais, right?” I ask her. “Gen-ash. Lovely name.”

She already looks tense and worn out, as if she’s been forcing herself not to fight us. Upon hearing her name, she seems to let her guard down, just enough to let us approach her.

“I’m Hanne. We heard… some things about you, but I guess it’s better to ask you first. Didn’t think it’d end up quite like this.”

“I - I don’t know what you’re…”

“Something about killing saplings -”

“I swear, it’s not true! I’ve had enemies here since I came home from Maguuma. I’m not what I look like. I’m myself again… mostly, but they don’t believe me. Please believe me…”

“Tolaug over here is clearly awful at reading emotional cues,” I explain. “Sorry for that. Now we just have to get this cleared up with-”

---

“What in the name of the Pale Mother is going on in here?”

Warden Delwyn. Thank goodness.

“I, uh…” The charr - Tolaug - is at a loss for words.

“Geanais? You look like you’ve had your… nonexistent leaves ruffled a bit. Is everything alright?”

“Wait, you know her?” Even the norn, Hanne, is surprised.

“Yeah,” I mutter. “I… I’ll be fine… just need to cool off.”

---

“She was one of us, once,” the warden continues. “The jungle changed her so much that she couldn’t rejoin our ranks. Not everyone likes that she’s come home after all the dragon did to her. They see her as a threat. It looks like that’s what’s brought you here.”

“Yup. I admit it, we lied to one of your folks earlier. Thought it’d get us a sure payout. I guess there wasn’t really a trophy hunt to be had after all.”

Goddammit, Tolaug’s yapping. I have to step in. “The charr’s said enough and then some. We’ll head off in the morning. Apologies for causing trouble.”

“For your sake and hers, please, don’t come back.”

---

“Whew! Never had that happen before. Quite the thrill, being banned from an entire city!”

“Serves us right. I suppose we should try not to judge a cryptid by its cover next time. Right, Tolaug?”

“You got it, Hanne.”

[silvertonedwords]

Train?

“Mum!”

Eli runs into Tina before she’s stepped fully onto the platform.

Tina hugs her youngest, laughing as Newt and Hanne join them. Their daughter has only a few years left of school, a young woman, really, though she wears her newfound height as awkwardly as Tina had at this age. Tina gives each of them a hug, allowing Newt to take over with carrying her bag.

“No Evan?”

Hanne sighs the longs-suffering sigh of an older sister.

“He wouldn’t come,” Eli tells her. 

“He and dad argued about it,” Hanne adds as she catches up.

“They argued yesterday, too,” Eli tells her seriously. “Evan’s been really grumpy all week. He says he doesn’t want to go back to Hogwarts next week.”

“Evan? Really?” Tina glances back at Newt. 

He nods and gestures as though to say he’ll tell her more about it later. 

After supper, when Eli’s asleep and Hanne’s gone to the case to read, Tina goes to check in on him. Newt follows, standing in the doorway to Evan’s room.

“What’s this I hear about not goin’ back to school.”

“Nothing.”

“Really? So it’s not true?”

“No, its just–I just don’t want to, okay?”

“Evan, you love school. And your friends, and Quidditch.”

“How do you know?”

“Evan,” Newt warns.

“You don’t know, Mum, do you?” Evan stands, brushing past Tina to the door. “At least Dad’s been around this year.”

“Evan!” Newt cries. 

Tina stares after him, her eyes filling with tears as he storms down the stairs. She moves to stand, but Newt squeezes her shoulder. “Give him a minute. Believe me, I’ve learnt that the hard way this week. He’s a lot like Theseus, really.”

“Newt,” she whispers, her voice rough and harsh.

He sits on Evan’s bed beside her. 

“He’s right. I am always gone.”

“Oh, love.” He gathers her into his side, and she collapses against him. She misses them all so desperately, and it feels like the closer they get to finally ending this thing, the more it hurts to leave. “You’re here as much as you can be. And you’re fighting for their future. For a safer world for them. They know that. He’s just–he misses you, that’s all. And he’s impulsive like his mum.”

“Mum? Dad?” Hanne stands in the doorway, a book tucked under one arm, the niffler huddling in the other. The niffler looks worried to see Tina upset, and scrambles down to join her, hopping onto her lap with a worried sniff. 

“Come in, Darling,” Newt offers, gesturing to Tina’s free side. Tina wipes her tears away, taking a deep breath.

Hanne wraps her arms around her mother. “Evan’s in the kitchen. He says he doesn’t want to talk to me, either.” She sighs. “I think he wants to stay here because you are, Mum. I think he doesn’t want to go to school because you might have left again by the time he comes back.”

“Ah,” Newt whispers.

Tina studies her, their first, a wonderful, accidental blessing. If she hadn’t fallen pregnant, if they’d waited until ‘things were better’, they might never have had children. Certainly not these three who are more precious to her than life itself.

“You shouldn’t–don’t feel guilty, Mum. It’s not a sad thing. It’s because we love you. And we know you go because you love us.”

“My wise girl.” Tina smiles tremulously. “I wish I could always be here for you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Mum?” Evan stands in the doorway, sniffling. “I’m sorry.” Evan rushes forward and into Tina’s arms. At twelve, he’s a bit big to be held in her lap, but they make it work.

“You want to stay with me?” she asks, and he nods, rubbing at his tears. “I miss you, too. More than I could say.”

“I know,” he sniffles.

“Shh,” she smoothes his auburn hair. She loves that two of their children look so very much like Newt; Newt just finds it funny that both of them say they want to be aurors. 

“How about this–should we go to the cottage together this week? Just our family?”

Evan brightens. “Really? We can do that?”

Tina glances at Newt, and at Hanne, who’s smiling at the idea. “Of course. I’ll write to Uncle Theseus and tell him I need a few days off.”

“He won’t say no. He always listens to you.”

Newt snorts. 

“He does, doesn’t he?”

“I know you two don’t remember anything different,” Newt adds, “but this will end, someday. And all we can do is be as happy as possible and…live our lives, until it does.”

Tina catches his eye, leaning into his side. That’s what they’ve done, isn’t it, all of these years. And as she looks at their children, she thinks they’ve done all right.

[shizekarnstein]

SNK

<3. Maybe this could help me remember why I dedicated so much time and tears and words onto this story lmao.

My favorite female character:

Mikasa Ackerman. Listen Mikasa was love at first sight. I remember watching ep 1 for the first time and as soon as Mikasa appeared I was like INSTANT FAV. I adore so much about Mikasa: her bravery, the intensity of her emotions, how pragmatic she tries to be, her emotional strenght, her dedication towards her loved ones and duties, how kind she is. What's there not to love about this girl? Every time I see people shitting or making fun of her in the fandom my blood literally boils :)

My favorite male character:

I'm an Eren stan first and a person second. Unlike Mikasa, with Eren I fell in love without realising. Thinking back, I always felt intrigued by him. His anger and dedication to his beliefs managed to keep me interested, and by the time I jumped from s2 to the middle of Uprising I had the epiphany: aftee chapters and chapters of Eren missing I was like but where's Eren???? Is he ok??? When am I gonna see him again???? It was at that time I realised he had become my indisputable number one character. I just love everything about him. His strenght and vulnerabilty. The contrast between the sweetness of his dreams and the blood he willingly sheds to reach them. The current tragedy of his life, the unfairness of the weight he's carrying over his shoulders, the horror of all of it has me constantly in tears. I'd argue Eren's fate is one of the only things keeping me still tied to this manga, even if I grew to dislike almost everything else about it.

My favorite book/season/etc:

In terms of arcs, Trost and Return to Shiganshina remain my favorites. Trost because it was the turning point; i divide my experience as before and after trost. Before Trost I was a casual watcher without any kind of serious commitment to the story. After Trost tho, I was hooked.

As for RTS well... for being an action packed arc it had everything: the dread of the unknown attacks from the enemies, the bitterness of all the soldiers who laid out their lives for their beliefs. The pain of seeing people so young, on both sides, trapped in such a circle of bloodshed and death, unable to communicate with each other. Seeing people give their everything, their lives and futures and dreams, all of it, and the tragedy of those same lives cut short. The coolest battles (at that time at least): Levi vs Beast Titan; Mikasa, Sasha, Connie and Jean vs Reiner; Eren and Armin vs Bert. Remembering RTS is a bittersweet experience, because all of it was so utterly unfair. Grrr.

My favorite episode:

For this I'll go with the manga:

The clash of the titans (35-50) because I love Sasha, Ymir, the confirmation of my theory about the identities of the armoured and colossal titans, the first glimpses into the world outside the walls, Erwin's charge, my beloved Hannes noble and so very brave sacrifice, and finally Eren activating the coordinate for the first time. I love those chapters.

The Reiss chapel chapters because Eren and all the staggering revelations those chapters bring to the table.

Chapter 90 aka one of my most beloved chapters ever. Also one the most tragic ones. A part of me (and Eren) died at that sea.

Chapters 97-105 because ANGST ANGST ANGST.

Chapter 114 because I think Isayama considering the time constrictions did an amazing job unraveling Zeke as a character, his motivations and what exactly moved him.

And finally my most resent favorite trio: 119-121. The unbearable pain of 119, the mind boggling discoverings of the path dimension, Grisha's journey and the mystery of the Attack Titan. All I can say is that I was a very sad woman when the story moved away from paths.

My favorite cast member:

The only reason I'm bothering to eventually watch season 4 is bc Yuki Kaji.

My favorite ship:

SNK is the only manga/anime/story where I never shipped anything. I'm still trying to understand why that is. You see, I'm an avid shipper. A very commited shiper. I have tons of otps and multiple ships in almost every piece of media I've ever seen. But there's something in snk that just... never activated the shipper switch in my brain. And honestly, thank god for that.

A character I'd die defending:

I'm an Eren stan first and a person second. Let me enjoy my tragic son in peace ok.

A character I just can't sympathize with:

I'm a very empathic person. It costs me nothing to put myself in the shoes of almost any character and in a manga as snk that is a valuable skill, because the story itself demands that you try to do that. So even if I don't like a character (Magath for example), I can more or less understand where they are coming from. The sole exceptions are the first King Fritz (because he's trash and horrible and a slaver and a rapist and all the bad things to ever exist) and Darius Zackly (because I hate the military and especially hate gross old men who get off on torturing people. I was very glad when I finally could say bye bye to his horrid self 💅).

A character I grew to love:

FREAKING ZEKE. I love monkey man. Honestly my fondness for him was a weird trip: one moment I was cursing him for not dying under Levi's blades, and as soon as he said he cared about Eren I was like oh shit no I can see myself liking him. Then Marley happened and Zeke was one the few characters who managed to make that lecture bearable until Eren and the rest of the gang arrived (in case you are curious, the other one is best boi Falco). Finally I read 114 and my love was cemented. I really hope Isamaya hurries up and explains what happened to him.

My anti otp:

Oh dear. Usually if the shippers are more or less polite I don't have problems with any of the ships bc I don't really ship anything. But there are three ships I just... can't see. The ships I blacklisted bc they are popular ones and my dash was filled with rb of them. Ereri. Rivamika. And ReinerHistoria. Sorry fans but I just CAN'T with those three.

[thesilverdragoon]

The Cabinet of Curiosity

Previous: The Inn at Journey’s Head

"Word's come in that Holminster Switch is requesting a refreshing and a bolstering of the guard for a little while."

"Are they now?"

It had been fairly quiet for the better part of the day. Only a handful of soldiers had come in to be treated, leaving everyone at the Spagyrics with a little more free time on their hands than they were used to.

Not that there weren’t things to do still. Like cleaning (Chessamile would use the word ‘spotless’ most often, even knowing this was nearly impossible.)

"There've been reports of eaters coming closer and closer to the fields where their animals graze. The townsfolk are starting to get rather worried, I assume." Chessamile continued, brushing a stray lock of hair way from her face after wiping off her glasses.

Hanameen hummed aloud as she thought about the news. "And you're telling me this...why? It’s not as though I can go rushing out there to defend the town all by myself."

Chessamile had this almost wry looking grin about her as Hanameen went back to dusting the shelves. "Well, for starters, I've been seeing you eye those tomes as of late."

"And? What of it?" She paused, narrowing her eyes with suspicion.

It had to have been months since she last picked up any book of incantations, much less practiced them. It was a frequent enough occurrence. Life kept her and everyone else nearly scrambling all the time to make end’s meet as it was. She simply hadn’t the time.

"Aaand there's a good chance Gennar will probably be sent there as well,"

Just the thought of it made Hanameen's mouth crumple into a squiggle. She knew better than to get her hopes up.

But she just couldn't help it.

"I'm no good at throwing spells and what have you Chessamile, you know that. They need actually skilled people. You know. Skilled in fighting??"

"Well it would be as good as any a time to practice wouldn't it?"

Feather duster still in hand, she turned to face her, "Even if I did go, purely on your insistence, then who will watch the boys? I can't just leave-"

"Why I'd be delighted to watch them in your absence!" The old woman offered very dramatically, clapping her hands together. "They'll be so busy helping me they wouldn't have any time to wonder about much else. And far too tired to fight, certainly."

Hanameen chuckled a little at that, before turning away again. "Still… they'd be heartbroken if I-"

"Come now, they're not babes anymore Hanameen. They can survive several weeks without you.

With Gennar and the others there, the town will be relatively well-defended. Large scale attacks out that far north are rare, if they happen at all.”

Again Hanameen hummed with indecision as she mulled it over in her head.

It was true. With work and the boys, she hardly had any time to herself to practice magic, or do much of anything else.

While she held little interest in the more offensive side of magic-casting, she found the healing aspects of it to be far more useful to her own needs (as well as others.)

When was the last time she'd tried to cast any sort of spell? Well- months of course, but she hardly remembered anything that she did at the time.

Letting out a breath she cleared her head, searched for a target and then closed her eyes. Slowly she raised her hands and focused on a nearby flower pot, willing a barrier to form around it.

The air shimmered brightly and distorted, as though the pot were caught in a soap bubble that engulfed it entirely. But she couldn't hold it there for long.

With a sharp exhale, the magic barrier shattered and faded away.

Hanameen looked dismayed as Chessamile came and patted her encouragingly on the shoulder.

"So,"

"I don't know,"

She clapped both hands on Hanameen’s shoulders and bobbed her back and forth in a teasing way. "Geennnnn will be theeerree~"

Hanameen couldn't even stifle a laugh. "Oh stop! I would just get in the way and distract him,"

"Trust me, that boy NEEDS to be distracted by his own family if that's what it'll take for him to realize he needs to come home more often. It's ridiculous. Twelve years of this nonsense, running around out and about saving the world, doesn’t even remember to come home to care for his own children! Or falls right asleep the minute he does!"

"I know...but… well, he has an important job- they all do out there."

"Bah, men's all time famous excuse. Important job or no, he has children that need their father, and a partner who needs him.

...Or at the very least you could start scouting out someone else!"

Hanameen snorted rather hard as they both broke out into laughter. "Wicked white- Chessamile! Why don't you go instead? So you can look for someone you fancy yourself?"

"Ohh you know I would, if we didn't have so many of our own running in here covered in bumps and bruises and anything else they can think of, begging me to kiss them better.

Though, I could just wait for the Exarch's new companion to come back. Now he's quite a handsome looking fellow with those adorably round ears of his,"

Hanameen wiped at her eye. "Goodness, you'll scare him away with that devilish side of yours."

"I don't make it easy for them, it's true." Chessamile nodded with all the wisdom of a sage.

"I should go find the boys, see what they think about all this." The last thing Hanameen wanted to do was upset them by suddenly leaving without any warning.

Fenick wouldn't have it. And Arval? She didn't even want to think about it (and no doubt all the crying and blubbering that would ensue.)

"They might be more willing if their father is involved." Chessamile suggested, sifting through a crate of clinking, colorful medicinal bottles. "You know how much they miss him. Even Arval, despite him never saying so."

"I know," Hanameen nodded in agreement. "...I'll speak to them after supper.

You'll be all right here on your own this evening?"

"Of course!" Chessamile waved her off. "Go on now! And let me know when I need to start preparing a spot for them in my apartment! We'll have a wonderful time!"

"I will. See you tomorrow."

As Hanameen left the Spagyrics, she couldn’t help but feel that tinge of worry, tainting every other thing that would come to mind.

To just up and leave like that...

What if something went awry? That was always the danger of going out into the field. What if something happened to Gennar if she didn’t go? What if something happened to her if she did? As much as she trusted Chessamile and Fae-Hann and the others… well…

Fenick and Arval needed her.

But, Chessamile was right too, in that they weren’t as little anymore… And how would she ever find time to practice her own magic in order to build her own skills?

There were no easy answers. And she was loathe to bring it up to either Fenick or Arval to begin with.

As the Rotunda came within view, Hanameen sighed loudly, drooping with the sound as she frowned at the aetheryte swirling around in the center. It was quite mesmerizing. But she willed herself to stay focused.

Rather than head off towards the marketplace as initially intended, she turned and walked the other way, to the lower levels of the Crystarium.

It had been quite some time since she paid the towering vault that was the Cabinet of Curiosity a proper visit.

________

The library tower in the Trivium had always been something of a marvel unique to the Crystarium. Hundred- no, thousands upon thousands of books sat there in shelves that went all around the room in a circle. Ones that had survived the disaster of the time after the Flood from ages long past, all meticulously cared for by a handful of archivists and scribes who worked relentlessly to protect them. Not even the gilded halls of Eulmore held such a collection.

Or perhaps they did. But Hanameen wasn't sure if they had had their own library to begin with (would there be any time to read? Living a life of luxury? Surely there would.)

The place almost echoed as she pushed the massive doors shut, once again sealing the relative silence back within the library's walls.

The Cabinet of Curiosity it had been dubbed by the residents from long ago, back during the beginnings of the city when it had first been built.

And what a fitting name it was.

In the center stood a column with stairs that spiraled all around it and up to the very top, sectioning off different levels with even more books along the way.

Hanameen took a few slow and aimless steps, merely enjoying the feeling of being able to have a leisurely look around at all.

Inevitably, several tomes caught her attention during her browsing, and she pulled one off of its shelf. A dark blue book with gilded letters and gold on the pages, and a well loved ribbon-bookmark dangling limply from the top.

She remembered the book. It had been one of her favorites growing up.

Flipping through it brought back memories of palaces in faraway lands with magical gardens and lords and their knights- not unlike the stories she had read to Fenick and Arval a hundred times over.

Gennar had been somewhat of a gentleman back then. Somewhat. What with the holding doors open for her, laying his coat on puddles for her to walk over, inviting her to dance in that funny way he would try… The memories made her practically swoon. And she would have done so aloud, had she not shaken herself out of the daydream and back into reality.

That's right...incantations… spell books.

Clearing her throat awkwardly (it wasn't like anyone was watching,) she climbed the column stairs to the top level. "Moren! There you are!" Only to startle the hume librarian with short green hair in even greener-robes into dropping a whole stack of books he'd been carrying. "Oh! Sorry-"

"Hanameen! Wh- I didn't even hear anyone coming up the stairs! You haven't been back in some time," He scrambled to pick everything up, only to offer a sigh of thanks as she stooped down to help him. "Is Fenick growing bored of the same stories? I might have a few he may be interested in-"

"Oh, no it's nothing like that." She dusted off her skirt folds once Moren had righted himself. "I'd actually come to see what your selection of spell books was. I still have that beginner's guide that you let me borrow months ago, though I'm afraid I haven't had much of an opportunity to study it all that closely."

Once Moren had set down the stack of books onto a nearby surface, he put a hand to his chin, gazing upwards as he thought. "Other spell books? Well… I can tell you that all of the knowledge builds upon itself. If you haven't mastered the basics you might have a harder time with the others…

N-not that I would know! My skills lie in the preservation of antiques and old literature!! Not casting spells to send eaters to oblivion!

I assume that's what you were aiming to learn anyway?"

"Not exactly…

Holminster Switch calls for aid and Chessamile recommended I test my skills out in the actual field. Which...would be a much quicker and more effective way to learn but-"

"Learn on the job with eaters about?! She's mad that one!! That's dangerous!

And besides, who would care for Fenick and Arval??"

Hanameen let out a light sigh as she rolled her eyes. "I know- I'm in agreement with you there...but," Chessamile did have a point still.

"And she did offer to watch them while I was gone."

Moren looked slightly dismayed by the answer but held his objections nonetheless. "Well, if I were you, I would plan on studying every minute of the day just to even hope I stood a chance out there. For one minute even!

Let me see what I have…"

"I haven't decided yet, I was going to think about it tonight." She added as he motioned for her to follow him back down the steps to the floor below them.

There he perused through the shelves, plucking out tome after tome until he had another armful of books with him, letting them practically drop onto another nearby studying table (weren't you supposed to be delicate with old books?)

"You could branch off into these, from the one I gave you… If I'm remembering it correctly that is. I think I am."

Hanameen came forward, picking each book up and scanning through random pages.

"I think this will do. Thank you Moren."

"You're not going to lug all those out there with you? I suggest these, if you plan on it," He held two up out of the bunch and offered them to her, which she took.

"Well now if I wanted to be a big bumbling target I'd just tie a sign to my head. These two?"

"Yes, they review the basics well enough and delve into the more advanced aspects of barriers and such."

"Perfect! Just what I needed."

Moren looked relieved, at the very least. "Excellent then. Just...please try not to damage them, you know how finding copies is a nightmare."

"And since when have I ever not been careful with books?" Hanameen smiled innocently.

"Since Arval…" Moren muttered before hiding the comment with a cough. As if he could, from an elf. "A-anyway you'd probably best be on your way! You're going to have a lot of studying to do tonight!"

With renewed confidence Hanameen gave a firm nod as she turned to go back downstairs. "Oh won't I. Thanks again Moren, I'll be sure to bring these two back safe and sound! I promise!"

The hume nodded in return and gave a small wave as she left through the large doors and back out into the Trivium. Only after she was gone did he stop hiding the concerned look about his face.

[thefifthclown]

Part 2, Chapter 1-To Merrigod Plateau, and Sixth, Venom; Scene 3

Fifth, Pierrot, pages 205-215

January 29th. 3PM.

Just as the carriage had pulled away from the Kihel check station it began to rain.

As she recalled, it had rained just like this when she’d visited Merrigod Plateau one year ago. Elluka leaned against the cab door while reminiscing on this.

“—Goodness, all things aside it’s been a long time, Miss Hanne. And…your sister too,” the coachman said to them.

Up until this point he had hardly spoken a word as he moved the carriage along, perhaps taking notice of Elluka’s constant scowl. But finally he opened his mouth, appearing unable to bear the silent atmosphere.

“It has…How’s Miss Brigitta?”

“Ma? Well, she’s the same. She’s doing her best to revive the town, along with everyone else from Toragay. --With the antidote to ‘gift’ finished, it’s finally starting to become lively again.”

“I see…”

And there the conversation ended.

Silence once more filled the carriage.

“Elluka—I have, one question.”

Gumillia was the next one to speak. She was sitting next to Elluka, her posture upright and straight.

“What is it, Gumillia?”

“The sender of that letter…’Irina Clockworker’—”

“…My younger sister-in-law—or at least, she was going to be. And it’s also…the true identity of the ‘Red Cat Sorceress’. I’ve gone six hundred years without finding that out.”

“When did you, discover it?”

“When I received that duel invitation.”

Gumillia gazed at Elluka’s face for a moment.

“…You lie. You’re lying, Elluka. You must have learned, much earlier—when you merged your memories, with that of the ‘Sleep Princess’.”

“…Looks like the hypnosis has worn off.”

Elluka had indeed been hypnotizing Gumillia.

Though, it wasn’t to make her into a puppet like she had told Julia and the others. In truth, she had not wanted to worry her any more than necessary with what happened with the “Sleep Princess”, and so—had forced her to forget via hypnosis that they had met Margarita again in the Millenium Tree Forest.

However, the hypnosis that Elluka could use was not as strong as Margarita’s.

The effect gradually weakened with time.

--Elluka had one other thing she was hiding from Gumillia.

When she had absorbed the “Sleep Princess” into herself with the swap technique, in addition to gaining her abilities Elluka had also obtained a certain truth. She had remembered something that she’d forgotten.

I am—

“There is, one other thing.”

Gumillia continued speaking.

“Didn’t you just tell me you only had one question, Gumillia?”

“Yes. This isn’t a question. This is just, to tell you something I realized just now.”

“Which is?”

“…” Gumillia pointed in the direction the carriage was heading. “Someone’s there.”

“--! That’s—”

There was a man in military dress armed with a sword, standing in the middle of the Blovas Highway.

“—Sixth, Venom…!?”

Elluka hurriedly ordered the coachman to stop the carriage.

But before the carriage could stop—Gatt pulled his sword from its sheath.

“--! Get down!”

Right as Elluka yelled her command, a beam of light seemed to emanate from the sword.

Rocking back and forth, the carriage came to a stop before Gatt.

When Elluka next looked up—the head of the horse that had been pulling the carriage had detached from its body, and fallen by the roadside.

“…What an awful mess you’ve made.”

The coachman looked to be alright, but he was unconscious. Gumillia helped Elluka down from the carriage and into her wheelchair.

The sword that Gatt wielded—unlike a normal one, the long blade gleamed a bright golden.

“The golden key, ‘Grim the End’—an uncanny blade that doth change form at will…Ha ha ha, most magnificent, methinks. To think it wielded such power beyond my ken.”

Gatt fearlessly smiled while gazing at his golden sword. But when he looked back at Elluka and Gumillia’s faces, he once more resumed his somber expression.

“I shan’t let you go hence to ‘First, Santa Claus’, ‘Eternal Sorceress’.”

“…Hah.” Elluka gave a beleaguered sigh. “Gatt Coulomb. Why have you sworn so much loyalty to her?”

“It is for justice. There are necessary evils one must undertake to right this world.”

“…So you’re rampaging out of a sense of justice. How naïve. Your ancestor thought like that too, but in truth he just had an uncontrollable personality. That doesn’t get you much fondness from Julia, does it?”

“Silence. It may seem you have bested Lemy with your cowardly tactics, but such will not work with me…Slaying a child in that manner…You blackguards. I shall pass judgment upon you, for justice!”

The sword that Gatt held glowed brighter, seeming to respond to his anger.

“You’re spirited enough for it, but there’s two of us here.”

“Hmph. I would not count a wheelchair bound woman. –Though your ex-Justea investigator doth seem formidable.”

“Oh my. What an irritating thing you just said. …Alright, Gumillia, stand back. I’ll handle him myself.”

Gumillia pulled back as she was told.

Elluka’s eyes ominously sparkled.

“—What did you come here to Elphegort for in the first place, Gatt?”

“…? Did I not tell you? I came here to vanquish you tw—”

“No, that’s not it. You—came to Elphegort to sightsee.”

Her green eyes flashed brighter.

It was the ability Elluka had gained from “Sleep Princess”, hypnosis.

“…” Gatt looked into Elluka’s eyes as though bewitched. “…What are—what do you speak? Sightseeing? I am not one to be deceived by such empty words.”

“--! You’re kidding me…the ‘Hypnosis’—isn’t working!?”

Perhaps it was because of the “Vessel of Deadly Sin” Grim the End that Gatt was holding, or else the “mesmerization” couldn’t take root due to his being descended from “Venomania”.

At any rate, hypnosis apparently didn’t work on him.

“…It appears you hadst been attempting something. But—I will say it again! Such insolent schemes will not work on me!”

“It looks that way. In that case…how about this?”

Though the hypnosis hadn’t gone through, Elluka was unfazed.

Hypnosis wasn’t the only power she had gotten from the “Sleep Princess”.

She had been the most powerful witch in the Magic Kingdom Levianta—and all of that power had been passed on to Elluka.

“Taste the threat--of ‘Original Sinner’ Eve Moonlit.”

Still sitting down in her wheelchair, Elluka raised up both her hands.

The rain grew in intensity, and black clouds started to cover the sky,

“One of the great five destruction spells of the Magic Kingdom—Medvedi ubit.”

The moment that Elluka had recited the name of that spell—

Several bolts of lightning rained down upon Gatt.

.

--Elluka and Gumillia climbed up the gently sloping hill that led to the town of Calgaround.

They’d handed the coachman several silver coins in the way of apology. He’d told them that he intended to buy a new horse from a nearby farm with the money.

Elluka had asked him to call the police while he was at it. To arrest Gatt.

They’d left Gatt tied to a tree nearby. He was completely fried, but as she’d gone easy on him to a degree he wasn’t dead…probably.

They’d taken all his weapons away, so at any rate he wasn’t liable to be any threat to the coachman, farmer, or police officers.

“Gumillia. I’ll lend this to you.”

Elluka handed Gumillia “Grim the End”. It was no longer a sword, having returned to its original form of a key.

Pushing along the wheelchair with her left hand, Gumillia accepted the key with her right and then put it in her robes.

“Carry it as a charm. It was the weapon that once consigned Venomania to oblivion—the time may come where it proves useful.”

“…I would, rather not.”

“If you have no desire to use it then that’s fine too. I’m confident you can deal with Irina well enough without it.”

“She’s—become much, stronger than she once was?”

Gumillia had once fought with Irina—though at the time she was going by Abyss IR. Back then there had been an overwhelming gap in power between them. If it hadn’t been for Elluka’s help, she probably wouldn’t have won.

Elluka’s face grew slightly clouded.

“This ‘Julia Abelard’ body that Irina is currently controlling…It’s probably ‘Germaine Avadonia’. Germaine is descended from Conchita—I have to admit that her true power level is an unknown. And considering Irina has been using that body for close to a hundred years…We can’t go in unprepared.”

Their field of vision opened up as they reached the top of the hill. They could see the bright red skyline of the town they were headed for.

“Long time no see, Calgaround. I hope Irina’s there.”

Elluka remarked in reply to Gumillia, “The letter just said that she was waiting on ‘Merrigod Plateau’… If she’s not there, I do have one other idea that might work.”

“One other, idea?”

Elluka pointed to the north.

“Apocalypse Cliffs--The grave of the major villain ‘Pale Noel’ from six hundred years ago is resting there. The name of the organization that Irina runs is probably taken from him. I don’t know what relevance it has to her, but there’s a sufficient chance that Irina is waiting for us there.”

The red cat sorceress—the person who made Venomania contract with a demon, tried to steal the vessel from Conchita, manipulated Prim behind the scenes in Riliane’s time, and left Margarita in Toragay.

Her true identity was the little sister of Elluka’s late fiancé, Kiril.

Even if she hadn’t received the letter, Elluka would have already figured that out when she joined her memories with that of the “Sleep Princess”.

However, Margarita had never directly met the real Julia while she was alive—or rather, during the time when she thought she was Margarita. She couldn’t be certain just by the “Sleep Princess”’s memories alone on whether or not Lucifenia’s president Julia Abelard was truly the red cat sorceress.

So Elluka had decided to put out a net. She took in a woman who had once been a member of Pere Noel, and then waited for an assassin to appear. She had then plotted to secure a direct meeting from Pere Noel.

Those Justea Investigators—Ayn and Willus had also played a big part. They had found clues from Isabel’s belongings that Elluka had deliberately left behind, and led Pere Noel to its demise.

Now, as for Irina—

She’d have to kill her, wouldn’t she? She already knew how to do that. The cat. That plushy was her true body. It was clear that Germaine hadn’t delivered the killing blow to it, but Elluka figured that as she was now it wouldn’t be that hard to do.

However, Elluka didn’t know whether or not she needed to. Especially Elluka now.

Irina was bringing chaos to the world—did that mean that she had to be defeated?

How absurd. Since when was she a supporter of justice. Even collecting the “Seven Deadly Sins” was originally just something she did to kill time, wasn’t it?

Elluka thought on her reasons for going to Irina. Her body had started to begin protesting at the side effects of having obtained magical power that was too strong for it. She couldn’t walk anymore. She would need a new body soon. One with high magical potential, if possible—

Germaine Avadonia. Maybe she was going to steal a body from Irina. It wasn’t a bad reason to engage with battle against her.

There was one other one—Irina always got in Elluka’s way. Perhaps she thought that Elluka had taken the life of her older brother. But she could say much the same; Irina had murdered Elluka.

As long as she was alive, she would continue to be a hindrance to Elluka.

That was an extreme annoyance. So—she’d kill her.

Yes, that would be enough. There was no need to think on it too much.

She would erase the nuisance.

A simple answer.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[ecl1pse]

Hi! I saw ur post on how it’s hard to stan gidle bc of the questionable stuff they do and since I don’t know much about it can u please explain to me anything problematic they’ve done? Not that I doubt u I just wanna know about it

ooh, girl! lemme tell ya. this is gonna be a long one, and i will preface this saying i absolutely do not have all the facts and details, but this is what i’ve gathered in my time being a mostly soft neverland.

when (g)i-dle debuted they released this v beautiful mv along with their debut song latata. in the mv the girls had henna in their hands, which, ok. nothing too bad, right. but that was just the beginning of a very weird history of cultural appropriation.

then they released another banger: hann (alone). amazing vocals. amazing sound. cool choreo. but the mv was littered with all these…hm. middle eastern references. which. ok, latata also had some of that. it’s…ok. maybe they’re just going for A Thing. it’s ok. this is just their first comeback, their second single overall, and their first digital single release ever. BUT during one of end of year shows, the girls found themselves in hot water bc they had a stage where they had freaking synagogue as their backdrop. not even like a cool 3d stage, it was printed synagogue on freaking sheet. we all collectively had a very oof moment. (also, shuhua had like, no lines in this song. a crime on itself.)

after that came senorita. which should have been called señorita. it was catchy, it was replayble, it was spicy. it was also also kind of weird how they had a guy just singing “señorita” in the background, and no other lyrics in spanish, other than soojin saying “señor” by the end…hm. also the beat is just very generic “latin-inspired” song. in one of their live stages they had a fake-ass mariachi band as their….back up dancers. or whatever. they were just in the background pretending to play the trumpets. which personally i found more funny than offensive. but also i’m mexican and when momoland dressed up in ponchos, sombreros and fake mustaches, me and my sister just laughed and went “haha we do look like that!” i can take a joke. like, very easily. (also, if you want a more tactful latin-inspired k-pop song, listen to vav’s senorita & give me more. absolute bops imo.)

after that came uh-oh, which is a very clearly an old-hip hop inspired comeback, even down to the mv. it’s proooobably my favorite song of theirs ngl. this comeback wasn’t…too bad or shrouded in controversy, ‘cause tbh the mv director did a pretty good job at paying homage to late 90s/early 2000s music videos. but still, some people were skeptical considering the rep they had been building up. and at this time it was becoming very clear that soyeon is calling the shots, or at least has the most say out of all the girls both in songwriting and art directing when it comes to their concepts/mvs.

during the summer/fall of 2019 gidle participated in the competition show queendom. in the show, during the planning of the stage performance for their cover of 2ne1′s fire, soyeon asked yuqi to make “tribal sounds” for the opening of the song and sing it like she’s “an african chief” and said this was how they could keep their sound, which she describes as “ethnic hip.” it was. gross. and the rest of the girls just laughed it off. queendom pretty much ended up confirming everyone suspicions that soyeon is the one coming up with these ideas and the rest of the girls are just there to do what she says. you can look up the behind the scenes and planning of the stages on m-net’s youtube channel. soojin doesn’t even get a word out when they were planning the fire stage. it’s…weird ngl. you can’t even accuse m-net of evil editing this one bc she just says that! like, wtf. anyways [here is an excerpt of the video]. she says it with such a straight face, too. ew.

people demanded an apology from gidle, soyeon more specifically. it never came. so people boycotted their next release: lion. honestly i don’t know if any transgressions happened during this time cuz i was just so put off by what was mentioned above that to this day i can’t really even vibe to lion. it just brings a guttural disgust to my whole being.

i’m little iffy on the timeline here – bc like i mentioned, i was keeping as far away as possible from gidle at the time cuz of soyeon’s comments – but i do remember that some time after yuqi found herself in hot water for a comment she made about shuhua during a livestream that went like she “needed darker skin to be a police because her white skin wouldn’t let her to catch criminals at night.” or at least that’s how a fanclub made it sound like. it sounded v suspish, but a lot of fans came to her defense saying the joke was poking fun at how fair shuhua is and how she wasn’t actually making fun of darker skin. the fanclub that made the translation actually came out with a letter of apology saying they had rushed the translation and the joke was actually little more nuanced than what they made it out to be. regardless, yuqi actually apologized on a fancafe letter. which was actually really nice of her, since the mistake wasn’t so much on her part, and if anything this is a way lighter offense than anything soyeon has ever done or said, and yet….

[here is a koreaboo article that includes screenshots of the fancafe letter and a translation]

it’s been awhile since gidle/soyeon have said or done anything since – well, it’s been a while since they have released anything, and they’ve been under a microscope since the queendom incident. also, i haven’t payed attention at all to what they have been doing, if they have been doing anything, lol.

their latest transgression has been the very blatant, very suspicious uplifting of imagery from fka twig’s cellophane mv onto their mv for their newest single, oh my god. @anna-something made a [post] which very clearly lays it all out, screenshots and everything. considering all the evidence above i have to say this one also falls on soyeon’s shoulders yet again. also, as i was making this post someone commented on an yt comment i made on a mv reaction of the mv (since i’m not gonna give them views, lol) saying “maybe they have the same mv director.” i looked it up, they don’t. cellophane was directed by andew thomas huang, while oh my god was directed by yoon rima.

in conclusion, it is very exhausting to try to stan (g)i-dle. wouldn’t recommend it. mostly because soyeon does not seem like the greatest person ever. now, i will say i am all for cultural appreciation! in fact, i tried to believe that’s what they were going for during senorita. but… it’s become very clear that soyeon doesn’t understand there IS a line between appreciation and blatant appropriation, so she tends to fall on the latter. if she just apologized, strived to be better, and actually took the criticism and applied it towards becoming a better person – and therefore a better artist – than i could get behind her 100%. but as it stands right now, i don’t like her. i don’t like her at all. i have given her chances, but she does not seem to want to accept her missteps. she doesn’t even addresses them at all. and i’m tired. if yuqi could, why can’t she? i doubt cube, as shady as they are, is keeping her from releasing some sort of statement. 

if she intends to make it big over here in the west she needs to grow up, she needs to apologize. until she does that she will continue to jeopardize not only her own career, but also yuqi’s, miyeon’s, soojin’s, shuhua’s, and minnie’s careers, and they really don’t deserve that. she might be the biggest voice in the group, but she’s also the one dragging them down. APOLOGIZE, SOYEON, GODDAMMIT!

if anyone wants to add anything else that missed, please feel free to do so.

[yeah-another-aesthetic-blog]

Goodbye to the Decade: Aesthetic Series

3) Songs

After the series and the books, in this week here are 9 fragments of songs that I liked this decade, since I know that there aren’t so many spanish speakers between you, here is a translation of what the central song says “If there is nothing left to talk about, if there is nothing left to shut up, how can it hurt so much?” is Diciembre by La Oreja De Van Gogh

Like the previous posts in the series a keep reading it’s here, because warning here is the full list of all the songs that I have from this decade, and when I say all of them I mean all of them.No Particular order in them. Congratulations if you make till the end, if not, well I can’t blame you xD

Mirrors by Justin Timberlake 2013

Radioactive by Imagine Dragons 2012

Demons by Imagine Dragons 2012

Counting Stars by OneRepublic 2013

Really Really by Winner 2017

Russian Roulette by Red Velvet 2016

Troublemaker by Troublemaker 2011

Mean by Taylor Swift 2010

Better Than Revenge by Taylor Swift 2010

We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift 2012

I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift 2012

All Too Well by Taylor Swift 2012

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift 2014

Blank Space by Taylor Swift 2014

Bad Blood by Taylor Swift 2014

Look What You Make Me Do by Taylor Swift 2017

You Need To Calm Down by Taylor Swift 2019

Paper Rings by Taylor Swift 2019

The Man by Taylor Swift 2019

Closer by The Chainsmokers & Halsey 2016

Sad Girls by Melo Moreno 2018

Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish 2016

Bellyache by Billie Eilish 2017

Hostage by Billie Eilish 2017

My Boy by Billie Eilish 2017

Bad Guy by Billie Eilish 2019

You Should See Me In A Crown by Billie Eilish 2019

My Strange Addiction by Billie Eilish 2019

Ilomilo by Billie Eilish 2019

Pump Up Kicks by Foster The People 2010

Burn by Ellie Goulding 2013

Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars 2010

Talking To The Moon by Bruno Mars 2010

The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars 2010

Grenade by Bruno Mars 2011

Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars 2012

When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars 2012

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson 2011

Stitches by Shawn Mendes 215

Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes 2016

Señorita by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello 2019

Born This Way by Lady Gaga 2011

Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by P!nk 2012

Elastic Heart by Sia 2013

Cheap Thrills by Sia & Sean Paul 2016

Up In The Air by 30 Seconds To Mars 2013

Gangnam Style by PSY 2012

Daddy by PSY 2015

Voodoo Doll by VIXX 2013

When Can I See You Again by Owl City 2012

Uza by AKB48 2012

Love Me Harder by Ariana Grande 2014

Into You by Ariana Grande 2015

Side To Side by Ariana Grande 2016

Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande 2018

Love The Way You Lie by Eminem & Rihanna 2010

The Monster by Eminem & Rihanna 2013

Hotter Than Hell by Dua Lipa 2016

Only Girl (In The World) by Rihanna 2010

Rude Boy by Rihanna 2010

All Of Me by John Legend 2013

No Need To Talk by C-Luv 2014

Papercut by Zedd & Troye Sivan 2015

Misery by Maroon 5 2010

Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 & Christina Aguilera 2011

Payphone by Maroon 5 2012

One More Night by Maroon 5 2012

Lucky Strike by Maroon 5 2012

The Man Who Never Lied by Maroon 5 2012

Animals by Maroon 5 2014

Maps by Maroon 5 2014

Sugar by Maroon 5 2015

Lips On You by Maroon 5 2017

Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots 2015

Ride by Twenty One Pilots 2015

Heathens by Twenty One Pilots 2016

Chlorine by Twenty One Pilots 2018

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry 2010

Firework by Katy Perry 2010

Corazón En La Maleta by Luis Fonsi 2014

Lego House by Ed Sheeran 2011

Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran 2014

Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran 2017

I Want You To Know by Zedd & Selena Gomez 2015

Burning In The Skies by Linkin Park 2010

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park 2010

Iridescent by Linkin Park 2010

The Catalyst by Linkin Park 2010

Lost In The Echo by Linkin Park 2012

In My Remains by Linkin Park 2012

Burn It Down by Linkin Park 2012

Lies Greed Misery by Linkin Park 2012

I’ll Be Gone by Linkin Park 2012

Castle Of Glass by Linkin Park 2012

Victimized by Linkin Park 2012

Skin To Bone by Linkin Park 2012

Powerless by Linkin Park 2012

A Light That Never Comes by Steve Aoki & Linkin Park 2013

Guilty All The Same by Linkin Park 2014

War by Linkin Park 2014

Wastelands by by Linkin Park 2014

Until It’s Gone by Linkin Park 2014

Rebellion by Linkin Park 2014

Final Masquerade by Linkin Park 2014

Darker Than Blood by Steve Aoki & Linkin Park 2015

Nobody Can Save Me by Linkin Park 2017

Good Goodbye by Linkin Park & Pusha T & Stormzy 2017

Talking To Myself by Linkin Park 2017

Battle Symphony by Linkin Park 2017

Invisible by Linkin Park 2017

Heavy by Linkin Park & Kiiara 2017

Sorry For Now by Linkin Park 2017

Halfway Right by Linkin Park 2017

One More Light by Linkin Park 2017

Sharp Edges by Linkin Park 2017

50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train 2012

60’s Cardin by Glen Check 2011

Paint It Gold by Glen Check 2013

I’ve Got This Feeling by Glen Check 2013

Ain’t My Fault by Zara Larsson 2016

Oh Nana by K.A.R.D 2016

Solo by Jay Park 2015

Mommae by Jay Park & Ugly Duck 2015

Me Like Yuh by Jay Park & Hoody 2016

All I Wanna Do by Jay Park & Hoody & Loco 2016

Teardrops by Emmelie De Forest 2013

Calm After The Storm by The Common Linnets 2014

Tonight Again by Guy Sebastian 2014

Golden Boy by Nadav Guedj 2015

Goodbye To Yesterday by Elina Born & Stig Rästa 2015

Heroes by Måns Zelmerlöw 2015

Alter Ego by Minus One 2016

Occidentalis Karma by Francesco Gabbani 2017

Fuego by Eleni Foureira 2018

Bboom Bboom by Momoland 2018

Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato 2015

Solo by Clean Bandit &  Demi Lovato 2018

Busted by Electroboyz & C-Luv 2013

MaBoy 3 by Electroboyz & Nana 2013

Lo Malo by Aitana & Ana Guerra 2018

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up) by Fall Out Boy 2013)

Centuries by Fall Out Boy 2014

Immortals by Fall Out Boy 2014

Closer by Oh My Girl 2015

Control by Halsey 2015

Graveyard by Halsey 2016

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart by Backstreet Boys 2018

Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man 2017

Venus by Hello Venus 2012

Do You Want Some Tea by Hello Venus 2013

I’m Ill by Hello Venus 2015

Wiggle Wiggle by Hello Venus 2015

La La La by Naughty Boy & Sam Smith 2013

Hymn For The Weekend by Coldplay & Beyonce 2015

Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld 2015

Female Robbery by The Neighbourhood 2012

Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood 2013

Cry Baby by The Neighbourhood 2015

Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood 2015

Go Crazy! by 2PM 2014

Playboy by EXO 2015

Monster by EXO 2016 

One Woman Army by Porcelain Black 2014

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum 2010

Just A Kiss Goodnight by Lady Antebellum 2011 

Little Apple by Chopstick Brothers 2014

Handclap by Fitz And The Tantrums 2016

Hann by (G)I-DLE 2018 

Youngblood by 5 Seconds Of Summer 2018

Easier by 5 Seconds Of Summer 2019

Teeth by 5 Seconds Of Summer 2019

Pretty Woman by Hebe Tien 2015

Fiction by Highlight 2011

Good Luck by Highlight 2014

Impermeable by Ha*Ash 2011

Lo Aprendí De Ti by Ha*Ash 2014

Peligro by Reik 2011

Que Ganó Olvidándote by Reik 2016

Spanglish by Reik 2016

Ya Me Enteré by Reik 2016

Barbie De Extrarradio by Melendi 2010

Canción De Amor Caducada by Melendi 2010

Lágrimas Desordenadas by Melendi 2012

Cheque Al Portamor by Melendi 2012

Tocado y Hundido by Melendi 2014

Otro Lío De Melendi by Melendi 2014

La Casa No Es Igual by Melendi 2016

Sor María by Maná 2011

Mayday by Oran-G 2011

Mi Novia Se Me Está Poniendo Vieja by Ricardo Arjona 2011

Lo Poco Que Tengo by Ricardo Arjona 2014

La Niña Que Llora En Tus Fiestas by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2011

Cometas Por El Cielo by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2011

El Primer Día Del Resto De Mi Vida by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2013

Estoy Contigo by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Diciembre by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Verano by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Camino De Tú Corazón by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Intocables by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

No Vales Más Que Yo by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Cuando Menos Lo Merezca by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Mi Pequeño Gran Valiente by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Siempre by La Oreja de Van Gogh 2016

Bang! by After School 2010

Love Love Love by After School 2010

Someone Is You by After School 2010

Let’s Step Up by After School 2011

Shampoo by After School 2011

Virgin by After School 2011

Play Ur Love by After School 2011

Dream by After School 2011

Are You Doing Ok? by After School 2011

Funky Man by After School 2011

Into The Night Sky by After School 2011

Hollywood by After School 2011

Wonderboy by After School 2011

Lady by After School 2011

Ready To Love by After School 2011

Love Letter by After School & Son Dambi & Minhyun & Baekho & Xiyeon 2011

Rambling Girls by After School 2012

Broken Heart by After School 2012

Just In Time by After School 2012

Gimme Love by After School 2012

Miss Futuristic by After School 2012

Tell Me by After School 2012

Rip Off by After School 2012

Flashback by After School 2012

Eyeline by After School 2012

Wristwatch by After School 2012

8 Hot Girl by After School 2013

First Love by After School 2013

Dressing Room by After School 2013

Time’s Up by After School 2013

Love Beat by After School 2013

Heaven by After School 2013

Crazy Driver by After School 2013

Shh by After School 2014

Rock It! by After School 2014

Week by After School 2014

Dress To Kill by After School 2014

Ms. Independent by After School 2014

Triangle by After School 2014

Yes No Yes by After School 2014

In The Moonlight by After School 2014

Spotlight by After School 2014

Lucky Girl by After School 2014

Shine by After School 2015

Magic Girl by Orange Caramel 2010

Aing~♥ by Orange Caramel 2010

One Love by Orange Caramel 2010

Bangkok City by Orange Caramel 2011

Shanghai Romance by Orange Caramel 2011

Close Your Eyes by Orange Caramel 2011

Funny Hunny by Orange Caramel 2011

Yashashii Akuma by Orange Caramel 2012

Bubble Bath by Orange Caramel 2012

Milkshake by Orange Caramel 2012

Lipstick by Orange Caramel 2012

Lamu No Love Song by Orange Caramel 2012

Dashing Through The Snow In High Heels by Orange Caramel & NU’EST 2012

Cookie, Cream & Mint by by Orange Caramel 2013

Tenshi No Wink by Orange Caramel 2013

Red Shoes by Orange Caramel 2013

Catallena by Orange Caramel 2014

So Sorry by Orange Caramel 2014

Cried Uncontrollably by Orange Caramel 2014

Abing Abing by Orange Caramel 2014

My Copycat by Orange Caramel 2014

The Gangnam Avenue by Orange Caramel 2014

Tonight by Orange Caramel 2014

Reminding Me by Shawn Hook & Vanessa Hudgens 2017

Lay With Me by The Phantoms & Vanessa Hudgens 2018

Y by MBLAQ 2010

One Better Day by MBLAQ 2010

Running & Running by MBLAQ 2010

Sad Memories by MBLAQ 2011

Stay by MBLAQ 2011

Cry by MBLAQ 2011

Wish You Hadn’t by MBLAQ 2011

Mona Lisa by MBLAQ 2011

I Don’t Know by MBLAQ 2011

Baby U! by MBLAQ 2011

Again by MBLAQ 2011

It’s War by MBLAQ 2012

Hello My Ex by MBLAQ 2012

Run by MBLAQ 2012

100% by MBLAQ 2012

Sexy Beat by MBLAQ 2013

Smoky Girl by MBLAQ 2013

R U OK? by MBLAQ 2013

Celebrate by MBLAQ 2013

Pretty Girl by MBLAQ 2013

Dress Up by MBLAQ 2013

No Love by MBLAQ 2013

Broken by MBLAQ 2014

Be A Man by MBLAQ 2014

Key by MBLAQ 2014

Because There Are Two by MBLAQ 2014

Mirror by MBLAQ 2015

Hey U by MBLAQ 2015

I Know U Want Me by MBLAQ 2015

Tea Party by Kerli 2010

Army Of Love by Kerli 2011

Zero Gravity by Kerli 2012

The Lucky Ones by Kerli 2012

Last Breath by Kerli 2012

Sugar by Kerli 2013

Savages by Kerli 2018

Legends by Kerli 2019

Oh! by Girl’s Generation 2010

Run Devil Run by Girl’s Generation 2010

Hoot by Girl’s Generation 2010

Mr. Taxi by Girl’s Generation 2011

Trick by Girl’s Generation 2011

Paparazzi by Girl’s Generation 2012

Flower Power by Girl’s Generation 2012

Animal by Girl’s Generation 2012

Mr. Mr. by Girl’s Generation 2014

Lucifer by SHINee 2010

Sherlock by SHINee 2011

Dazzling Girl by SHINee 2012

Dream Girl by SHINee 2013

View by SHINee 2015

Dark Star by Jaymes Young 2013

Two More Minutes by Jaymes Young 2013

Moondust by Jaymes Young 2013

Running On Fumes by Jaymes Young 2013

As Long As You Love Me by Jaymes Young 2013

Habits Of My Heart by Jaymes Young 2014

I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young 2014

What Should I Do by Jaymes Young 2014

Sugar Burn by Jaymes Young 2017

Black Magic by Jaymes Young 2017

Infinity by Jaymes Young 2017

Paradox by Jaymes Young 2019

Bonamana by Super Junior 2010

Boom Boom by Super Junior 2010

My Only Girl by Super Junior 2010

Shake It Up! by Super Junior 2010

My All Is In You by Super Junior 2010

Good Person by Super Junior 2010

No Other by Super Junior 2010

Perfection by Super Junior M 2011

Off My Mind by Super Junior M 2011

Mr. Simple by Super Junior 2011

Opera by Super Junior 2011

Feels Good by Super Junior 2011

A-CHA by Super Junior 2011

Sexy, Free & Single by Super Junior 2012

From U by Super Junior 2012

Butterfly by Super Junior 2012

Break Down by Super Junior  M 2013

I Wanna Dance by Super Junior D&E 2013

Mamacita by Super Junior 2014

Evanesce by Super Junior 2014

Shirt by Super Junior 2014

This Is Love by Super Junior 2014

Can You Feel It? by Super Junior D&E 2015

Devil by Super Junior 2015

Magic by Super Junior 2015

Black Suit by Super Junior 2017

Love Song by Rain 2010

Hip Song by Rain 2010

Same by Rain & C-Luv 2010

Busan Girl by Rain 2011

30 Sexy by Rain 2013

La Song by Rain 2013 

Marilyn Monroe by Rain 2013

Baby by Rain 2013

Superman by Rain 2013

Face by NU’EST 2012

Action by NU’EST 2012

Not Over You by NU’EST 2012

Hello by NU’EST 2013

Beautiful Solo by NU’EST 2013

Sleep Talking by NU’EST 2013

Good Bye Bye by NU’EST 2014

I’m Bad by NU’EST 2015

Overcome by NU’EST 2016

My Heaven by NU’EST 2016

In Fact by NU’EST 2016

R.L.T.L (Real Love True Love) by NU’EST 2016

Love Paint by NU’EST 2016

Look (A Starlight Night) by NU’EST 2016

Just One Day by NU’EST W 2017

Where You At by NU’EST W 2017

Paradise by NU’EST W 2017

Good Love by NU’EST W 2017

With by NU’EST W 2017

I’ve Been Happy Till Now by NU’EST W 2017

Dejavu by NU’EST W 2018

Signal by NU’EST W 2018

Polaris by NU’EST W 2018

YlenoL by NU’EST W 2018

Gravity&Moon by NU’EST W 2018

Shadow by NU’EST W 2018

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[kalluun-patangaroa]

Brett Anderson on fame, fear and hitting 50

Suede are back with a terrific new album but will anyone care, wonders the lead singer

The Spectator, 29 September 2018

Written by Michael Hann

Reluctant sex object: Brett Anderson, lead singer of Suede, in 1993 

‘I always think they’re not lusting after me,’ Brett Anderson says of the middle-aged fans who still turn up to see his band Suede and leave the shows a little flushed and excited. ‘They’re lusting after something that doesn’t really exist. They’re remembering their wild youth. It’s faintly comical to me when I think about myself in the 1990s and the sexuality of it. That got a bit out of control, I suppose. And it’s odd, because I’m quite a reserved person in lots of ways, so I don’t really know what was going on there.’

Oh, Brett, you do yourself a disservice. Look at yourself! Not an ounce of flab, dressed like a clothes-horse, face all sharp lines and clean planes. You’re a well-preserved man.

‘Well, thank you.’

I tell him that a couple of years ago, my price for interviewing him on stage at the Barbican in London had been that my wife got to meet him, at which he cackles. ‘I don’t know if people would still feel the same way if they really knew me. So much sexual attraction is about how people really are, rather than what they look like.’ Which is easy to say when you look like him.

Anderson turned 51 this week and he has managed a remarkably dignified third act in his pop life. Suede recorded five albums in nine years from 1993, topping the charts and, for a while, being absolutely ubiquitous (‘There was an odd period in 1993 when everything I picked up, not just music papers, had some reference to Suede. It was incredibly exciting’). The last two albums, though, were pretty crappy: Anderson was smoking crack and the band’s moment had passed.

A solo career followed, with polite reviews to match. But then Suede returned in 2010, initially for a benefit gig; the reunion stuck well enough that they began recording again. The Blue Hour, released this month, is the third terrific album they’ve made since their reformation.

Does he ever miss being central to the culture, the way he was when he was a young man? ‘Why would I miss that? If I want to make myself heard, I feel as though I have a voice in the media. And I enjoy that, and I feel listened to by the people I want to be listened to by. But some sort of spokesman for a generation cliché cliché? Don’t want to do that. Not interested.’

People of his generation tend not to want spokesmen anyway. What I meant was: does he miss mattering in the wider culture, rather than just among his fans?

‘I suppose what I do miss is the traction that mainstream exposure can give you. I feel mournful about the fact that it doesn’t matter if we write the best song we’ve ever written in our lives and make the best album we’ve ever made in our lives. It simply won’t have the traction that we would have had in the 1990s. It simply won’t get across to as many people. It won’t be as successful and it won’t have that cultural resonance any more.’

You’d think Anderson would be ina fairly sanguine state these days. He’s married with a teenage stepson and a six-year-old son. The family lives in the countryside (though Anderson keeps a flat in Holland Park, where we meet, and still thinks of himself as a Londoner), and The Blue Hour is a country rather than a city album, albeit one of dead animals and the terror in the woods, rather than haystacks and romps in the meadows.

He’s not just the singer in Suede, either. His memoir Coal Black Mornings, published earlier this year, is a fascinating account of a very eccentric childhood in a family with middle-class aspirations and a poverty-line income. He’s somewhere on the course of honour that leads not to a visit to the Palace for the pinning of a medal, but to being described as ‘a national treasure’.

Even so, he’s terrified. In Coal Black Mornings, he writes of his conviction that his childhood would be ended at any moment by nuclear war. Now, he says, he’s plagued by ‘terrible night thoughts. I imagine the worst the whole time. I have to force myself back to sleep.’ He moves on seamlessly to his discomfort at parties, how he hides behind his wife, how he finds small talk awkward and replays conversations later, looking for evidence of his own humiliation.

‘I used to hide behind the mask of slightly aloof out-of-my-headness. And now, because I don’t hide behind that mask anymore, I have to actually engage with people, and I suppose I’m a bit more self-conscious about it. We’re not in our twenties anymore, lying around on the floor snogging people. We’re talking about…’ — at this point, as he often does when he wants to signify a bourgeois affectation he’s unhappy about, Anderson adopts a sneering voice — ‘where we went on holiday. As I get older I feel more socially conscious because I don’t have those crutches that I used to have. But you have to be an adult. If you’re going to live in this adult world you have to live by its rules.’

The connection between the dignified, fiftysomething Brett Anderson, and the one who used to prance around on stage in a woman’s blouse, slapping his bum, is the persona of the pop star. Being Brett Anderson Out Of Suede used to be a full-time job, until there was more of Brett Anderson Out Of Suede than there was of the man himself, like Michael Redgrave being taken over by his ventriloquist’s dummy in Dead of Night.

‘I’ve spent the past 15 years deconstructing that dummy,’ Anderson says. ‘He’s in the cupboard in pieces. I think you leave your persona behind when you have kids. Persona is so born of ego — it’s a brittle mask that you wear, and as soon as you have kids that mask gets shattered because you realise you’re not the most important person in the world. It’s a fascinating thing, person vs persona, and I think about it ever such a lot — the kind of things you go through when you achieve fame and success, because they do really distort you as a human being, and it’s a fascinating journey.’

Now the persona only comes out when Anderson takes to the stage, something he needs to do to get through that hour and a half. He flicks the fringe from his face, wriggles his hips, undoes a button more than might be strictly necessary on his tailored shirt. And the middle-aged people in the crowd allow the lustful thoughts in. And I don’t think they’re all just trying to relive their youths.

The Blue Hour is out now on Warner Music