#oh also my period ACTUALLY showed up now so idk what last week was i thought it was that ....

[flyingspicerack]

im cooking something

[anqelfries]

OKAY ITS DUE TIME FOR ME TO SEND U A YAP ASK ‼️‼️😋 LINA SUGARPLUM MUFFIN LOLLIPOP HONEYPIE (by jawny???) HOW ARE YOU DARLING HOW WAS YOUR DAY GIVE ME THE RUNDOWN ‼️

so like im gonna yap about my week CAUSE IT FELT LONG AS HELL I PHYSICALLY TWEAKED OUT JUST REFLECTING BACK ON ALL OF IT‼️‼️

so as u know i was ill last week (was that even last week I CANT REMEMBER BUT IT WAS RECENTLY) and i was coughing up a storm at school on monday and tuesday IT WAS HELL ITSELF I SWEAR.

SO I HAD LIKE,, 7 TESTS? THIS WEEK? I THINK? a ton!! like wdym im getting a test thats not writing in journalism class? WHY ARE WE HAVING A HISTORY TEST IN THIS CLASS THATS SO WEIRD TO ME??? anyway... that and a spanish test and two math tests and two tests in my ap class and an english comprehension test i was not thriving this week

AND BY THE WAY, THE TESTS IN MY AP CLASS WERE LITERALLY RETAKES BECAUSE I WAS GONE REVIEW DAY CAUSE I WAS SICK AND HAD TO TAKE THE TESTS WITHOUT STUDYING AT ALL. THE TEACHER WAS LATE TO CLASS THAT DAY SO IT TOOK ME LIKE THREE ADVISORY PERIODS TO FINISH THE STUPID TESTS 💔💔

erm anyways all of that happened AND IM NOW THRIVING I FINISHED ALL MAJOR WORK AND MY GRADES ARE LOOKING UP SO YIPPEE!!! 

yesterday i went to the school football game with my friends!! our team kinda demolished the visiting team dude 😭😭 IT WAS LIKE?? 68-0???? LIKE DAMN OKAY LET THEM GET UP BROTHERS 😭

ALSO AT THE GAME THERE WAS A KISS CAM AND MY FRIENDS ENDED UP ON IT WE WERE ALL SCREAMING SOOOO MUCH 😨 IT WAS WILD LINA!!! BUT THE GAME WAS A TON OF FUN AND WE ALL HAD FUN SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS AND DOING RANDOM STUFF IN THE STANDS!!

SO THERES MY YAP! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY AND WHATS BEEN GOING ON W U POOKIE 😋 HRU HOWS LIFE WHAT ARE WE DOING TOMORROW

HONEYPIE BY JAWNY !!!!! erm big yap under cut methinks..

HELLO HELLO MY DEAR SWEET LITTLE BIRTHDAY CAKE CARDBOARD BOX CARAMELIZED SUGAR STICK !!! iM DOING LIKE.. OKAY I THINK. SUPER TIRED OMW HOME FROM SCHOOL i slept 1.5hrs last night..

my freaky english teacher likes me. a h a h a anyways ive been getting into art moar >:3 again so i spent like half the time drawing and stuff help .. not when i needed to concentrate tho !!! i drew a fish person ish i will show u later. apparently everyone flunked the maths test so like i may end up on the news tho... my last three assessments were all straight A's but the highest grade in the entire class in this one is a B and idk man i might Die. also i think i did well in english bc.. the teacher seems satisfied w me.. SCHOOL IS CLOSED TMR SO I WILL LOCK IN AND WRITE MY SILLY SMAU METHINKS

my friend who i sat beside today let me draw my fish on her bandaid :33 she calls me fish too and i call her cat it's a long story basically but in eighth grade like.. back in 2022 we exchanged discords and my nickname was fishie and hers was neko so like .. fish and cat. oh and once a physics teacher referred to me as fish too help

im super eepy rn help.. started raining in the morning n i got hopeful that school would be cancelled but NO bc the universe HATES me

im going to change & pass out now i think highkey.

OK NOW !!! UR THINGS LETS SEE omg yes this week was so fkn long ewwww

IM SO SORRY AB UR STUPID TESTS <//)3 I HAD THREE ON SUNDAY ALONE LAST WEEK IT WAS SO BAD I FAKED BEING SICK ON TUESDAY (?) KIND OF.. LIKE I FELT BAD BUT NOT BAD ENOUGH TO NOT GO TO SCHOOL

IM GLAD UR GRADES ARE LOOKING UP !!! IF U LISTEN CLOSELY IM ACTUALLY CHEERING SO LOUD FOR U RN 😹

football game is insane (never seen one) 68 - ZERO ??? IS THE HOME TEAM THAT GOOD OR IS THE OTHER ONE JUST BAD PLS... ALSO LIKE WHAT !!!! kiss cam sounds like sm fun !!!!

okay pause to say that this ask is literally makign me so happy rn idk bro but im kicking feet i feel all warm n fluttery inside

OK BACK ON TOPIC im so glad u had fun <333 that experience seems so amazing like omg !!! ik youll remember it for a WHILE i long to experience that kind of fun again omg

OKAY ANYWAYS MY DAY RIGHT !!! i cancelled on my maths teacher + postponed his class to tmr bc i want to sleep and grind genshin and watch a movie or 2 !!! im thinking everything everywhere all at once ive wanted to watch it forever but never really had the independence to do so like i do now !!!! my big toe hurts for some reason idk :/// AND IVE BEEN HAVING SUCH BAD NAGI BRAINROT RECENTLY OMHHHH LIKE MY MAN.. MY MAN..... SAVE ME NAGI SEISHIRO SAVE ME..........

aaaaa where was i !!! oh yesyes so i was thinking moot tags right ... bc i need smth cute for u.... bc ur so cute....

UM YES THATS ALL FOR TODAY I HOPE UR SLEEPING WELL & DM ME WHEN U SEE THIS !!! not for any specific reason just say hi bc imy (we literally talked a few hrs ago) ily sav !!!! PS CONGRATS ON MAKING THE MAGAZINE TEAM IM SO PROUD OF U !!!!

[colorfulandblack]

In honour of getting though Witcher season 3 I would like to share with you my thought process while watching this show, not that anyone asked. Can you tell Jaskier is my fav?

Season 1

Me, seeing Jaskier for the first time: a baby! Must protect, already fave.

Me throughout the season: How are you still alive? And how are you not aging?

Me still at season one going through social media: oh, so you don't like Jaskier, huh? Square up bitch cos I'm coming for your ass. Also why the hell is he called Dandelion? Jaskier is a buttercup not a dandelion? Dandelion would be so fucking funny though [image of Sid and last dandelion of season vivid in my mind]

Me still on season one: ok I know we NEED to normalise closeness between two male friends but that's definitely gay, right? Like Jaskier just readies such dumbass bisexual energy and he so clearly is in love with Geralt

Me, during the mountain scene: Bitch, bitch, bitch how dare you [actually insert the Jaskier HOW DARE YOU picture] actually stops watching the show for like a week

Season 2

Me, immediately at the beginning: where's Jaskier? Where's my man? My child? Where's that idiot?

Me, after I see Jaskier: what have they DONE to you? But the songs absolutely slaps (talking about the whore song that was so funny)

The apology scene: Nope, nope, sir that's the most half assed apology I've ever seen

Overall season two: yes, yes serious matters and Jaskier is a comic relief but could you just try to give him some more screen time like bitch he's trying his best, he risks his life, he does some good, he loves Ciri and Geralt just fucking appreciate him! I know it ain't about him but for being Geralts friend for so fucking long I think he deserves some appreciation for his accomplishments from others characters, even a little

Season 3

Sees trailer: "Dear friend.." ahaha that's for Jaskier for sure! [Sees a blur of him] oh thank god he's in here!

Me, after seeing Jaskier: oh, god oh no. Why, why, WHY?! WHO they fuck took the game design?! Put it back I say PUT IT BACK!!!

Me seeing Radowid: *squints as he praises Jaskier, clearly flirts with him and actually appreciates him UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE* I want to trust you but that would be a mistake

Me, throughout the season: ah, so you finally admit that Jaskier is in love with Geralt who somewhat patched things up with Yen so you give Jaskier a new love interest, who is a man [icarly interesting image]

(listen I loved them this season but it felt like a weird sudden jump in their relationship and idk, by this season rocked I just wished they included Jaskier more and if canonicaly were not getting Graskier then fucking give him some screen time as a part of a family! He's great with Ciri!)

Also that Valdo scene was fucking HILARIOUS

Me when, suprise, suprise Radowid did a backflip: I knew it, why am I surprised, I knew it. Jaskier why do you have a TYPE?!

Final thoughts: Jaskier fits perfectly into their witcher family dynamics just give him more screen time! Please! also very curious about Radowid redemption arc although I'm not ready to let go yet, and also may I add the music, fantastic, don't care if it's periodic or not Joey my man you killed it.

It's clear that Jaskier has a type for like unrequited/getting hurt type of love or the writers just love whumping him which like fine but then make it fucking seen like by others? It takes a fucking plot device character in SEASON 3 to see it? like give me some fucking comfort as well you assholes.

Also super weird that they went with the game design and gradually changed it simultaneously ageing Jaskier. I mean why now? He hasn't aged in like a decade and then he suddenly did? Just keep him immortal will you?

Idk it's chaotic lads cos I just finished it and I think I've seen season 1 most times and the rest kinda blurs together so

[stephaniedola]

oldass ask meme that i have been answering at different periods over the course of 15ish years

feel free to ignore but im posting it so i can find it again later

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it? I sure hope so by now.

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be? withnocrown–– I'm sure that's its actual last name, right?

3. Were you happy when you woke up today? I woke up a lil achey and queasy but then I rolled over and listened to a voice memo from my friend and his GF and they were cute and asking me over for dinner sometime so now I'm happy

4. When were you on the phone last? And with who? Ummm I think it was my friend Evan asking me if I could pick him up at the mall on the 26th, but I was going the wrong way

5. What are you excited for? New Year's Eve! And my birthday (the 1st) I guess but mostly NYE.

6. What were you doing yesterday? Errands + resting + recovering from earth shattering sex (12 year old me would be so shocked to read how far I've come)

7. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you! My friend in aforementioned voice memo

8. What's the last thing you put in your mouth? Water.

9. Have a best friend? Yup, he's my platonic husband. He's also pretty much always been my answer to this question :3

10. Are you scared to fall in love? I have spent the last few years building up an immunity to love powder.

11. Do you think teenagers can be in love? Honestly, yes, but I feel like it's extreeeeemely unlikely that teen relationships actually last. But they do sometimes!

12. Last person you wanted to punch in the face? God, I can't even recall. How did I get through 3 different family Christmasses without wanting to punch anybody?

13. What time is it right this second? 05:09

14. What do you want right now? More tgirl dick

15. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My mommy <3

16. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused? Single, aromantic, poly, and for the first time not at all confused. Also, let the record show my original answer to this question in 2010 was: "Taken! O_o Don't ask! :/"

17. When was the last time you cried? Uhhh within the last week I think? but idk when

18. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? That's a fantastic question! Yes and no

19. Do you find it hard to trust others? Extremely

20. How fast does your mind change? To quote 12-year-old me, "Fast. :3"

21. I bet you miss somebody right now. Every day.

22. Can you honestly say you're okay right now? Yeah, I can.

23. Why do you think so many people cheat? Because love is cursed by monogamy

24. Tell me what's on your mind? Kinky t4t sex

25. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? NYE, my birthday, catching up with people in the new year, my senior year of university.

26. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing? I'm gonna choose the asshole answer to this question which is, um, I'm intersex 🙄 but strictly speaking, yes, obviously I have

27. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend? Yesterday

28. When is your next road trip? Honestly? Ideally within the month to Montreal. More realistically over the spring or summer (Bro I'm screaming I've also been reading along with my 2017 answers and I had written "No idea honestly. Hopefully soon-ish to Montreal." I have not changed at all)

29. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to? Anything is a strong term.

30. How's your heart? Still beating.

31. Have you ever felt like you weren't important? Yes, but not any more. (Keeping this answer as long as I believe it)

32. Do you think somebody's in love with you? Oh, for sure, baby~!

33. What are you planning on doing after this? Getting ready to go to my cousin's surprise birthday party and then stay with family for a couple days.

34. Next time you will kiss someone? Nonzero chance it is on NYE.

35. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes <3 Always

36. Who do you not get along with? Really, only people who actively disrespect the people I love.

37. What does your 3rd recent text say? "ahh yeah how could i forget ov"

38. What are you wearing right now? Nothing, darling~

39. You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it? I imagine we would engage in similar sexual escapades to the last time we kissed

40. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese? A couple weeks ago

41. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now? Feminine: Meredith Masculine: Lewis Neuter: Avery

42. How did you feel when you woke up? "Queasy and achey"

43. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? Nah, I'm popular

44. Do you crack your knuckles? It's one of the few joints I don't crack tbh.

45. What were you doing yesterday at midnight? YESTERDAY at midnight or TODAY at midnight? The answer to both is sleeping.

46. What are your LEGAL initials? All I shall say is that it spells the name of an animal.

47. Who's the first B in your contacts? Some dude in Florida named Bailey

48. When was the last time you laughed really hard? I think it must have been on the 22nd with my friend we had a lot of fun and were stoned as hell so

49. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them? Been there, done that, and I would.

50. Explain your last awkward moment? I feel like I said something awkward to my cousin that I thought his current gf had said but it was actually his ex fsajgkhls

51. Are you afraid of the dark? More and more every year

52. Do you have good vision? Yea, particularly in the dark actually lol

53. Have you ever tripped someone? Yes and he sucked and it was hilarious and I regret nothing.

54. Have you ever slapped someone? Yea

55. Are you Irish? Like 50%

56. Do you use chap stick? Mmmhm

57. Do you have any scars? Soooo many. Newest one is growing on my finger.

58. Is there someone you will never forgive? Never? Surely not

59. Are you dating the person you last held hands with? God no they're insane

60. Name the last person to text you. Prinxë

61. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you? I would barely even marry my husband aside from for legal maneuvering

62. Can you go in public looking like you do? I would get arrested so no

63. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a A? Yeah,,,, my hot TA last semester

64. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Da middle

65. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day? Cry and be like why did I spend so much money on a wedding

66. Do you fall for people easily? P much on sight yea

67. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? Yeeeees

68. Do you miss the way things used to be? Of course. Who doesn't?

69. Song you're thinking of right now? Talk – Coldplay

70. Want someone back in your life? Yep. So bad. Soooososososo bad. If he texted me it would make my day in a heartbeat. I also want her back, but I'd like to think if she texted me I wouldn't respond.

71. Will tomorrow be better than today? It's n ew years eve baby I sure hope so

72. What's the color of the shirt you are wearing? Beige flesh

73. Who was the first friend that you had? Lindsey

74. Does it bother you when someone lies to you? Yes I cannot decipher your neurotypical nonsense

75. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status? There are, yeah, but it's a pretty damn select few

76. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced? I have bipolar disorder

77. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you? Everyone all the time

78. What do you wear when you sleep? Same thing I'm wearing right now

79. Are you obsessed with something right now? SEX

80. The first person you loved is? Terry

81. Something terrible happened with you? My stepdad died slowly of dementia, so

82. You are locked up with someone you love, what happens? Again, the deranged sex

83. If you could wish something, what would it be? For more deranged sex. Ideally in Montreal.

84. Ever forced someone to do something? Like it's hard?

85. When you are alone, what do you think about? SEX

86. How was your first kiss? Romantic and sweet. We're still friends.

87. What's your favorite music genre? Alt rock, that'll never change

88. Are you going to tag people to do this? Me in the future

[stargirlfics]

Was scrolling through the CST tag cuz I start clinicals next week. Do you have any tips ?

Ooh wishing you luck!! You got this! 💌

Clinicals were a little scary at the beginning and of course being in the OR is just a whole world of its own and can be overwhelming at first so try to keep in mind that you’re gonna feel a little out of place at first and that’s ok! You’re gonna see crazy and amazing things, what the body actually really looks like on the inside and all the ins and outs of the before, during and after of a surgery and it’s a lotttt but it will all start to make sense as you go and you’ll get more comfortable as you go!

I’m thinking about tips to give you and just remembering one of my instructors saying “try and be a sponge” lol so soak in as much as you can and jotting down notes when you can will be super important! I would bring a small notepad or at the very least always have a pen on you to write down cases you’re in and what’s being done, even small details or suggestions you receive, there’s gonna be a lot of info flying at you and it’s just a good way to keep some of that organized and having notes to look back helps when you’re tired and trying to process everything you’ve done and seen at the end of the day

At first this will be hard cause it’s all new but in the same sphere of note taking I would always try and write down what’s being done or what I think is being done during a surgery cause you’ll see later than when you start to understand what the surgeon is doing it’s easier to then anticipate what will be needed next and along with that it’s totally ok to ask questions about what is being done on/in the body, it’ll show that you’re curious and engaged with what’s going on!

Always being extra snacks too, I would keep a stash of granola bars/fruit snacks/whatever snack you like in your bag especially during the first few weeks of clinicals as you get used to being at the hospital and on your feet for long periods of time and it’s just good habit to get into cause even now that I’ve graduated and am working as a surgical tech when I find moments to go to the bathroom or eat something real quick I definitely take them!

Another tip I would give is to try and offer to help with setting up as much as you can especially in your first few weeks and helping your circulating nurse or helping wherever you can or are allowed but also knowing when it’s best to stay out of the way, that’s always a bit tricky trying to find that line of like I’m here and I’m learning and starting to put into practice what I’ve learned but at times there won’t always be moments or surgeries you’ll be in that are best for teaching and you just kinda have to roll with it and take what you can from it

Oh another thing! You’re gonna be with many preceptors and around a lot of people, especially surgeons, who have big personalities and have certain ways they do things, certain hospital policies can be different too but always try and stick to and refer back to what you’ve been taught cause your instructors want to see that you’re doing things by the book and by taught techniques and what’s best practice, not everyone that’s gonna be training you is gonna do things as they should so sticking to the basics of what you know will help you navigate that!

One last thing I can think of is seeing if you can take pictures of different table set ups for the surgeries you see, that was helpful for me to have an actual visual of it because it’s not always easy to recall from memory the best way to set up a table when you’re first starting out and of course I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times already but set things up the same way every time!

I think that’s all I have in tips to start out with but if you ever have questions or need to talk about clinicals I am always here, it’s exciting talking about this on here cause idk many people online who do this job as well! I’m always here for ya! Wishing you luck again, you’re gonna be great! 💕

[the-duckless-pond]

Ugh. I give up on not smoking.

Someone asked me about it AGAIN. Another person that I had told multiple times not to ask me about it because it just made me want to smoke!!! I truly do not understand why literally no one could respect that.

And I’m just… sad and depressed and tired and done and I give up. I went out and bought a carton. Not a single pack, a carton. I’m hoping that at least this time maybe I will smoke a little less. I’m going to aim for every two hours or so. Not every hour like I was before. I would really like to smoke a half pack a day. That would be a massive improvement from where I was at before.

I am so mad though. I want to lay down and cry. I had been doing so well, and I was nearly ready to go from step one patches to step two, but then my mom kept asking about it and I lost my shit and smoked on and off for three weeks. I finally decided to stop a few days ago (four or five) and was hanging in there, and then someone asked about it again. I just can’t anymore. I’m done. I give up.

I feel like I’ll be trapped smoking for the rest of my life and doomed to get cancer or something like that now. Because apparently everyone supports the idea of me not smoking but no one actually supports what I need to be successful. Which does not feel great to know.

I guess maybe I’ll try again over winter break when jt is cold and bad and I don’t want to go outside. I still have five weeks of step one patches left and all of step two and three, so I’ll just hold on to those until I feel ready to try again.

And next time? I’m not telling anyone at all. Literally no one will know. I might write about it here in my diary entries, but that will be the extent of my sharing about it.

My long term goal is to be quit by the time I do my study abroad in 2026, so I’ve got time. I did really good until everyone ignored what I wanted and needed, and I know I can do good again.

But for now… I am tired of being triggered and I give up.

Idk. I just can’t understand it. It’s like if people knew I was hurting myself and was trying not to, and every day someone new asked me how it was going not cutting myself. Like can you imagine how much of a trigger that would be? It would be awful. Everyone would judge you for asking. But for some reason it’s okay when it comes to quitting smoking? I don’t get it.

Anyway. I just stopped my days since timer. Longest streak is 28 days. I’ll go longer next time. It had been five days, one hour, and twenty eight minutes since I last smoked. What a massive disappointment this has turned out to be. I started out so hopeful and now I just feel disappointed in people for not respecting me enough to not ask like I asked them to.

I would really like to take a moment to point out that I have no negative feelings or emotions towards myself about this. It is an addiction, and that is okay. It’s just like when I quit self harm. It took many years and many attempts, and I am sure this will too.

HOLD THE PHONE ON ALL OF THIS THERE IS A WASP IN MY APARTMENT ON THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW AND I DONT OWN A BUG ZAPPER RACKET OH FUCK

I OPENED THE OTHER WINDOW AND THE SCREEN SO THAT IT CAN GET OUT BUT IT IS JUST WALKING AROUND ON THE CLOSED WINDOW

GO TO THE OTHER WINDOW

Oh thank fuck it’s out now oh god that was terrifying

immediately making an order as soon as I finish this post for a bug zapper racket since I like to keep these windows open in the mornings

Well. That got me to stop crying really quickly. I guess the fear shocked the despair right out of me.

I have things to do today but honestly I feel so form in that I’m probably going to push it all off until tomorrow and focus on feeling better and doing feel good things. Thinking I’m going to watch all of the marvel movies and shows in order because I did that prior to the first show coming out and it was really fun. And it took like three weeks and kept me very busy and distracted. I was also depressed during that period and I recall it being a good distraction so that I didn’t hurt myself like I wanted.

I guess I’ll give an update on that front. It’s been like a week or maybe more since I last hurt myself? I don’t know. I’m not really keeping track tbh. I don’t care that much. This feels like a serious relapse when it comes to my mind set, but not so serious in actual harm done. I guess I’ve had to the urge to hurt myself a bunch but mostly I’ve been ignoring it. And I was focused on quitting smoking and all that bullshit. I guess I’m hoping that now that I’m smoking again I can use that as my pseudo self harm and not hurt myself anymore? I don’t know. Something like that. I’ll try it out and see how it goes.

In all honesty, I don’t care that much. Right now I care about making it to class and getting good grades. I’ve missed one day of class each week since the semester started and that is… not good. The first time I had a migraine, and then I was sick, and then I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and the syllabus says don’t come to zoom class from bed. So.

I guess maybe I’ll adapt what I did like a decade ago when I stopped hurting myself and get myself a little treat for each week I make it to all my classes. I only have three meeting times a week, so that doesn’t feel too hard. I mean, it is right now, but it won’t be forever. So I’ll find some little treat to get for going to class. Maybe bubble tea? That is kind of pricey since I have to get it delivered. Maybe a new mini? Those are pretty inexpensive, although I don’t have a place to display my minis yet and they are all in storage, and also all my painting stuff is still at mom’s. I don’t know. I’ll think of something.

In other news I broke up with Jim, my therapist. He didn’t do DBT and did CBT and it was okay but not for me. He was also ADAMANT that I needed to go out and socialize more, yet never asked me if I had that week??? So it was this constant pressure to do more be more be less me that built up and got really uncomfortable. Also I don’t think he ever really… comprehended that I am aroace and have no romantic or sexual desires. That came up a bunch the first like six months that I saw him. So, I finally decided I had had enough after he once again said that I needed to rejoin society (his actual words) when I HAD gone out and been social (hello!!! Ren faire for 8 hours plus two hours talking in the car???) and yet never asked me if I had done anything. And I guess I just got really sick of it. So yeah. No more Jim.

I do want to go to therapy again but I think I’m going to really take my time and look for a dbt certified therapist this time. Last time Jim was what I could afford, and he accepted my shitty insurance which was the main reason I saw him for so long. But I think I want to be back in DBT centered individual and group therapy. That is what has worked the best for me and led to long term stability and results. So I will do my research and take my time and find the perfect fit. Even though it might be really difficult in the mean time without therapy, I think it will be worth it. Also, I DO own the DBT skills manual, so I can always make copies of worksheets if things get really dicey.

So yeah. Those are the updates. Mostly depressing things I guess? I don’t know. Honestly I’m not too broken up about going back to smoking. I’m at peace with it. I kind of saw it coming. So I’m not mad at myself or beating myself up about it. Same with the occasional bout of self harm. I’m at peace with it. I’ll address these things when I get therapy. Maybe. Once I learn to trust my new therapist.

That’s my other problem with Jim. I never got able to trust him so I never really talked about anything that was going on? Mostly because ive had a string of really bad therapists for a few years now. Actually, I’m not done with the post. I want to vent about that.

Okay. First, there was Brenda. Brenda was great and helpful and helped me gain the skills to stop hurting myself and I saw her over for a decade weekly. I adored and trusted Brenda. And then, Brenda got a puppy. This was June 2020. Brenda texted me that she needed to reschedule our session bc she forgot how much work puppies are. I was in a good spot and I foolishly trusted Brenda so I was like yeah!!! whatever you need!!! And I never heard from Brenda again. Literally nothing. I texted her a few times trying to reschedule but she totally ghosted me. It was heartbreaking. This was the beginning of my trust issues with therapists.

Then I scrambled to find a new therapist because it was Covid and I wasn’t doing too great. And I saw Lauren for a while, but my eating disorder came back and Lauren didn’t do ED treatment. I never fully trusted Lauren but I still kind of opened up to her about my psychosis as it was happening to me. So Lauren was okay, but she also mostly did CBT? And that doesn’t work for me. She didn’t do a lot of DBT with me and tried to push CBT techniques, so I would have stopped seeing her anyway.

Then I saw Dr. Brianne, who cost a fuck ton because she is a psychologist, and she was pushy and awful. I hated going to therapy with her. Her office was also awful about billing which gave me a lot of financial issues. Which stressed me out and made my ED worse. Dr. Brianne also claimed to DBT, but never used it in my sessions with her. I finally gave up on her after she made me breakdown because she kept being pushy and I was clearly upset but she didn’t stop. This solidified my trust issues, I think.

Out of spite, I recovered from my ED on my own without any of her help and using what I remembered of DBT skills.

Then I saw Jim, and that lasted for a year. And he was okay. He accepted my insurance. He pressured me a lot about going out and making more friends and just ignored that I don’t want that kind of life and that I am content with the life I have right now. I couldn’t open up to him because of all my trust issues and basically wasted money talking about bullshit every two weeks and dealt with my problems on my own.

And now I don’t have a therapist (which tbh is effectively the same as seeing Jim) and I’m going to look for one but I’m going to be very picky this time because I want someone good and not someone bad or mediocre. I want a good fit, I want DBT, and I want someone that won’t be all pushy or pressure-y. I’ll just cope in the meantime.

Okay. I’m done writing now. I mean, I have more to say, but I have to charge my phone since it is dying.

Maybe more later? Idk. For now I will focus on doing the feel better things and deal with studying and everything later.

[abcdosaka]

had a pretty hard time at work last week. got my period + i got chewed out by that one guy again (probably the fourth or fifth time by now) bc i didn’t communicate something well. the deadline is next week, which i didn't know about, and he wanted to have this completed last week and now its pushed to monday probably. it was my fault and i’ll admit that. but the truth is i just fucking hate talking to him. if he wasn't so completely intolerable to talk to i wouldn't mind it as much but holy shit. what a seriously hateable guy. i was watching a video earlier today and i got a little annoyed because the person in the video had similar features to the guy.

he always talks over me and doesn't let me finish my thought or question. he does this to everyone it seems worst with the women in the office

he definitely thinks i'm stupid. whenever i ask him a question he's like ok clearly i need to dumb this down for you (not exact phrasing of course but that's basically what he's saying). like no wonder i don't fucking like asking him questions

i feel like he regrets choosing to hire me. i know they wanted to hire someone a bit more experienced and i'm not like i just graduated. but to be quite honest in my interview i fucked up bad like i could barely answer the technical questions but i did express a desire to learn. so idk i feel like that's not really on me

our personalities just don't match at all. honestly i used to try hard to be laidback and able to handle anyone but it just kinda made me a pushover. when i assert myself with this guy he just gets mad. this always happens like every single time i try to assert myself bc i'll admit it, i'm a shy chick, i'm on fucking tumblr so no shit, but i hate hate hate the feeling of being steamrolled over.

his management style/expectations just make very little sense to me. like he's always pointing out stuff i should've done when i'm showing him results. or stuff that i didn't even think was my responsibility. he's kinda all over the place when giving me instructions, he's always skipping steps and then making me feel stupid for not being able to keep up. it gives me such imposter syndrome

all of this combined with the fact that he's super smart makes him pretty intimidating. and the fact that i have to mainly work with him bc he's the only other (specialized in my specific field at the office) is seriously like.... tough shit for me.

i'm not the first person to feel this way. two of the other junior employees said they really didn't like working with him. one of them even said she straight up couldn't deal with him bc he was so mean. she also said that the company is def aware of this but they're not great at responding to it.

the pm i'm doing one project with (which he was kinda supervising) was like yeah he's super intimidating and honestly not a fun guy to work with but he's a hard worker and will work to get stuff done. that's great that he's like the backbone of the company or whatever but that actually makes me a bit more mad. it's like when the patriarch of a family is trash but you can't say anything bc "oh he's holding it together he's the breadwinner". it just feels like it's being held over my head a bit. we couldn't have someone nicer in this position?

worst part is i can't just say he's a shit boss bc he's not wrong. like i said (his favourite words btw), he's chewed me out a lot over my communication skills and i get that i need to improve that but he just really gives me anxiety. plus he's told me good work over some stuff a couple times. (always with a caveat of course lmao). and i haven't been as fast as i know i could be bc i try to figure shit out by myself since i hate asking him questions, end up spinning my wheels and having to ask him anyway, and then he tells me i should be faster. which yes i totally could be if you weren't a piece of shit!

like people don't do things for no reason especially not me. maybe dumb reasons yes but not no reason. and i know what kinda things motivate me to actually thrive in a workplace. that is to say, i vibe with the carrot, i don't with the stick. i dunno i'm normally not super affected by it bc i really don't give a shit if he hates me on a personal level unless it affects my job but (this was on thursday evening when work was ending) prob bc of my period it really got to me this time and i cried on the way home and i was on/off crying yesterday. my eyes were soo puffy it was bad.

idk how long i'll last here. i really do kinda like working here (well i like 3 people and the rest i could take or leave) but i basically uprooted my life to be here. not that i'm mad about that bc i had very few friends back home and living at home was genuinely getting intolerable but it was a big decision. i don't want this to be a sunk cost scenario. but yesterday i was genuinely thinking like is this worth the stress? should i stay here for at least 4 years like i planned or stick it out for a year and get tf out?

i'm gonna try to be stronger and have more confidence bc i don't think he's the most unreasonable person ever. maybe i'll be petty and overcommunicate way too much and like tell him what i'm eating for lunch and shit bc at least it's fighting back somehow instead of being scared. (i'm not actually gonna do that. wish i could) but i'm not sticking around for much longer if things don't change. i just have no idea what to say or how to point it out esp if it's already a known issue. i do sorta feel supported by a couple ppl but...that has never been me, i've never felt strong enough to confront men like that. i guess if i do end up trying to leave, key word trying, i need to be really discerning during interviews. at least i have some leverage since i actually have a job now. as long as i don't lose it.

i was probably really upset bc this has been building up inside me for a while and my anxiety has taken over a lot thanks to him but i don't think its the worst situation to be in considering i'm new and i've only been in the office for like a month now. i just hate that i feel so associated with not meeting deadlines.

i also think i was kinda upset bc this dude is a lot like if my dad wasn't my dad but my boss. my dad is an alright father but if he wasn't personally related to me i wouldn't like him. getting yelled at by my dad was always terrifying for me as a kid so when my pm takes on that annoyed loud speaking tone all the fight in me just dies its embarassing. they're both really critical. neither of them can take a joke especially from a woman. plus they both smell bad like i forgot to mention this but holy moly they smell the exact same and it is MUSTY. oh and they're both asian. different parts of asia but whatever.

anyways like i know i can handle this i literally worked for that bitch karen in highschool and i was even less confident back then. plus i know i'm not stupid i graduated with a degree in this field and did 6 internships.

[bubblyhoney]

can i request a fic where sapnap takes the reader to his hometown? like the classic going to places he went to when he was younger. maybe playgrounds and ice cream shops idk

places i used to go

warnings: language of course, an allusion to virginap, my uneducated guess of what sapnap was like in highschool, tiny detail of long haired!sapnap, singular canon detail of underage drinking, jokish about marriage

tags: sapnap x gn!reader

words: 2191

A/N: you are a god, anon. i love comfy and nostalgic fics like these and it was so fun to write. if you hate it dont tell me but if you like it lemme know akskdjd

inbox/requests: open

-

The wind whips fast on your bare fingers, cool and quick and raising goosebumps in its wake. You blink in the haze of the early sunset, head lolled to the side of the headrest. It feels good.

“That’s where I went to high school.” Sapnap interrupts your thoughts and points a finger at a collection of tall brick buildings down a side street. The silver of the lettering is dull, but you can still feel the nostalgia.

“And you’re about to see the park that me and my friends used to hang out at after work and—actually, nevermind.” His arm drops to the middle console and he looks straight ahead with slightly pinker cheeks.

“Do what?” You ask, voice all sweet, and a grin grows on your face. You turn towards him and wiggle your eyebrows.

“Nothing. Homework.” He avoids your eye contact and hikes his hand up higher on the steering wheel. “Anyways— Do you want to get some food before we head out? I know a great place.”

You two were just coming to a close on your little trip to visit his family; it was his step-mom’s birthday and you decided to make a week of it. It was your first long-term trip with Sapnap, and also your first time meeting his dad’s side of the family. You were proud to say she loved you. His little sister took a little more effort to talk to you of her own volition, but soon enough she was on your side.

You have a couple hours to kill before making your flight back home, so Sapnap has taken it upon himself to give you a quick tour of his hometown.

“Yeah,” you decide, bottom lip popped out. “Can we get ice cream after?”

“Uh, duh.” The Neighbourhood’s Stargazing starts through the speakers and he reaches to turn it down. “I’m so ready to get home and sleep.” He stretches his neck in his seat, letting out an uncharacteristically inappropriate grunt when his bones pop. You make a disgusted face, nose wrinkling, but stretch your own back, slumping down in the seat. The day had been full of packing up and this horrible hike his dad liked to do early in the mornings, so you two were pretty beat.

“Okay, we’re here,” he announces three sleepy minutes later in his best attempt at a whisper. Lifting your head off of the corner of your seat, you blink in the setting sunlight as a yawn splits your face. “You’re so cute.”

“Shut up,” you mumble, and struggle to get your seatbelt off in that post-nap haze. You’d barely been asleep for thirty seconds, damn it. The air is a swampy heat when you step out of the car onto rocky gravel and nearly twist your ankle climbing over the curb. Sapnap catches you by the lower back, trying to hide his laugh but failing miserably. You slide him a dirty look, smacking his shoulder as hard as you can manage while limping towards the front entrance.

The door jingles when you two breach the doorway, alerting a bored-looking hostess that the circus has arrived. She looks at Sapnap a second longer than she should, eyebrows screwed together in silent confusion. But she leads the two of you to a booth near a large window, handing you sticky menus and promptly fucking right off to the host station. She nearly runs.

“Do you know her?” You ask, inconspicuously hiding your face in the search for their 24/7 breakfast menu. You feel his eyes on you.

“Don’t think so.” He leans on one elbow and slides his phone out of his jeans’ pocket. In the 25 seconds it takes for you to find their french toast and sides menu, he has browsed and closed his phone with an animatedly shocked look on his face.

“What?” You give him a weird look and put down the menu.

“I totally went to homecoming with that girl.” He eyes the hostess. You glance over at her again, meeting her gaze, and offer a polite smile. She turns away quickly, eyes wide.

“She’s cute,” you say, voice high and fake, and he drums his fingers on the tabletop as an amused look makes its way onto his face.

“Are you—?”

“What?” You reply right back.

“Nothing.”

Thank God the server comes up to your table then and starts asking for drink orders, or else you’d have to admit (sheepishly) you were a tiny eensy-weensy bit annoyed. Only a tad. But after requesting a Dr. Pepper and a water the conversation surrounding the nervous-looking hostess dies.

“I’m so hungry I think I feel my stomach shrinking.” You flop your head onto your arm on the table top and make a whiny noise into the stack of napkins your server left at the table. Sapnap rubs his thumb into the side of your forearm, touch warm and nearly dissolving the pangs of hunger and jealousy.

“You weren’t hungry an hour ago.” He lifts your hand to his face and plants a kiss on the back of it. Oh, pulling out the big guns, huh? “I would have made you something.”

You tilt onto your chin, pouting, and stare up at his cute face. His cute, scruffy, perfectly-kissable face.

“I think I got hungry staring at you for half an hour.” A mischievous grin grows on your previously-petulant face and he just shakes his head.

“I do have that effect,” he admits with cockiness in his tone, lifting his eyebrows and leaning back into the booth with his lips pursed.

The server returns with two glasses and takes your food orders onto their little yellow notepad. You chug the water down when they leave for the kitchen, getting your lap and chin thoroughly wet in the process. Sapnap just snorts at you and shoves the napkins your way.

“So,” you start, patting dry your jeans. “tell me what you were like in high school.” You cross your arms and settle into the booth, smirk on your lips.

“What I was like?” He parrots, sipping at his soda, looking thoughtful. “Firstly, a virgin.” You make a noise. Duh. Dude had a buzz cut his junior year. (You’ve seen the pictures. His step-mom particularly likes them.) “Secondly, I was actually— well, I wasn’t popular, but I had a lot of friends. We were all semi-athletic lonely band kids but we had fun. Had one girlfriend senior year but she went to Cal Tech in the fall and I didn’t. I, um, worked at a Dairy Queen in the summers and gained so much weight I had to lose all over again for Unified Track.”

“Relatable,” you comment, drinking noisily at your water. He fiddles with the paper straw wrapper and crunches it up into a ball. It goes soaring into your drink with a quiet “Kobe” and you just give him a look. He smiles toothily right back at you. “Stop being cute, I’m trying to listen to your story.”

“Oh, my bad,” he mocks. “Anyways. That’s what I was like in highschool.” You fish the paper ball out of your water and flick it wetly at his arm. It sticks and you choke on a laugh, cheeks puffed.

Two plates of warm food are set down loudly onto the table and you thank the server with a surprised smile, Sapnap mirroring you.

Two minutes of wordless chewing passes, minds occupied just by “food, me eat” instead of anything related to your previous conversation. You realize that Sapnap is one of the loudest chewers ever, and he realizes that you fail to notice the streak of maple syrup in your hair.

“C’mere,” he mumbles through a mouthful of omelet and hash browns and beckons you with his hand. You lean closer, chewing slowly, as he pats a napkin at the strands of hair trapped in syrup.

“Thanks, baby.” You take the napkin from him and pause your assault of the warm french toast before you to clean the sticky sugar out of your hair. He just watches you, half of a smile on his lips.

You two finish your food in record time. It’s borderline vacuum-like. There’s a short grace period where you just sit like two lazy cats, slumped down in the booth and holding your full stomachs. But the check comes soon after, and you both pay your way and are out of the restaurant without any mad dashes for the bathroom. A miracle, really, because of the American-like amount of butter you both consume.

“I’m a much more functional person now,” you mutter into the cotton of his shoulder, swinging your hand in his. He just hums in agreement.

“I guess we’re not getting ice cream, then,” he teases, and you just groan in response.

“I don’t feel like having diarrhea on a plane, unfortunately.” You sigh heavily when you have to split and get into your respective sides of the rental car.

The entire trip (somewhat roundabout because of the amount of side quests to show you things from his childhood) to the airport Sapnap is a chatterbox. He’s like this when he has sugar: either bouncing off the walls with energy or talking your ear off.

“That’s where my dad proposed to my step-mom. I was kinda young but I remember being surprised at how big the ring was— dude broke the bank for her.” It’s a little gazebo you catch a glimpse of through the trees in a park. It probably was an incredibly picturesque moment, and you can sense how much she must have loved it. With just meeting them this weekend, you can already see how much love those two have for each other.

You hope people can see how much you love Sapnap.

“Oh my God, it’s still there.” He points out the side of your window to what looks like a Dairy Queen that has been through World War 3. “My buddy Eric and I once spilled a gallon of that liquid ice-cream-shit all over the men’s bathroom.”

You shoot him a horrified look. “Why was it in the bathroom?”

He just smirks.

“—And that’s my Uncle Ron’s house. Had my first beer there.”

“And last, hopefully,” you add, pulling a disgusted face. The two story bungalow is cute, and one of your favorite colors: olive green. “That shit is nasty.”

He just shrugs and continues down the side street.

“Is this the park you were talking about?”

He pulls into the gravelly parking lot of a small clearing of tall trees, a picnic table and campfire sat squat in the middle. But he doesn’t respond, just turning the car off and climbing out. He reaches the passenger door without speaking, and opens it for you. You climb carefully out, confused.

“Come on.” He takes your hand and starts for a small path to the left of the picnic table. The mid-sunset shade envelopes the both of you.

“I hope this isn’t where you kill me.”

“No,” he snorts. “I just wanted to show you something.”

It’s just a few moments of stumbling through the damp underbrush before you’re coming face to face with a small, mossy pond that sits right underneath an incredibly old willow tree. He stops right on the edge of the rocky path and turns toward you.

“This your make out spot?” You ask between a grin as he snakes an arm around your waist and tugs you flush to him. Your innocent smile fades when you feel the press of his lips to the side of your neck, light and ticklish. Oh.

“No,” he murmurs, and just breathes you in. “I came here once—the night before I graduated highschool. And I told myself when I really really loved someone I’d take them here with me.” He sways with you in his grasp, a gentle and song-less dance.

You grip his shoulder tighter in your hand and lean into him.

“That’s— awfully romantic, huh?” Your voice is quiet. Almost nervous. He just makes a noise of agreement.

“So here we are.” His voice is the opposite of yours, all strong and confident.

You two just move together for a moment. The sun breaks through the tree canopy, shining bright orange down onto the glassy surface of the pond. Crickets and frogs chirp back and forth as the willow vines swing in a cool evening breeze. You watch nature come alive around you, suddenly grateful for the man in your arms.

“Don’t propose,” you whisper, breaking the gentle tension. A laugh breaks the silence and he’s pulling away to look at you. Maybe in disbelief. A strand of hair falls into his eyes and you brush it away, fingers stilling on his temple and sliding down onto his cheek. Stubble scrapes against the skin of your palm and he stares at you through those meadow eyes.

You realize in that moment that he is exactly himself. Of course he is. He’s Sapnap, and everything that encompasses that. Dark and light and fiery and cool. He always has been, and always will be.

You realize you wouldn’t mind if he proposed.

-

A/N: ask or send me some stuff!! requests, rants, anything. let me know what you think

[songsofwaterandnight]

I got tagged to answer some questions like half a year ago(oh wow😳) by one of my besties @brotherspankus-streaming (Thank you, King ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️) Please go watch his streams! Sometimes there are cats!

Without further ado(unless you wanted more ado... haha jk... unless?👀):

Last Album?

So I actually haven't listened to all the new music from some of my favorite artists this year because I've been busy but at the start of the year I listened to all of "Ctrl" by SZA. This album effortlessly slides into my top 10 favorite albums. I don't know why I didn't get into SZA before but in January I was like "I need more of her voice", I decided to listen to more of her stuff and now I'm a huge fan. CTRL is such a good album within which SZA allows herself to be vulnerable about her relationships, insecurities and other things that people would generally never admit. My favorite song from CTRL is "Broken Clocks" but every now and then a different one comes back to me that I have on repeat for weeks. Also she casually mentions that she's dated women on this album(which came out in 2017) and confirmed it in a follow-up interview but I never really see people mention her as a queer/lgbt+ artist which is strange to me.

Last Movie?

Last movie I watched was Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness(it's finally available in HD digitally for you to DisneyMinus it). NOW I'M NOT ONE OF THE MCU GIRLIES but I do like spiderman movies and the last one had a end credits trailer(marvel studios, normal movies don't have these!!) for this one so I decided I would watch it too. However, I know marvel movies insist on trying to be some sort of fucked up gestalt so I watched WandaVision and Dr Strange 1 beforehand. DSMOM was not that good imo. The feats of power weren't really that impressive, they BARELY explored the multiverse for a movie that was supposed to be about it(Unlike our beloved All of It All Around At the Same Time ) and I believe they nerfed Wanda so that she wouldn't win her fights before they started. Wanda's lines were very iconic though and I think those saved the movie.

Currently Reading?

I started Chainsaw Man(manga) by Tatsuki Fujimoto a while back but I've been lazy with the reading so I'm not very far(I've become weak;teenage me used to finish entire manga series in like 2 days). I'm like 2 chapters in and it's alright but idk if I'll like it. It's very highly rated and popular among weebs, which isn't really a great vote of confidence, so I'm hoping it's good.

I haven't read any actual novels in while but I think I'll get the next book in the "Chronicles of the Avatar Series" once it comes out in a few days so I can find out the tea on Yangchen.

Currently Watching?

Harley Quinn(animated series). I'm not a huge DC(or marvel) fan because I was a weeb as a teen but it's refreshing to see DC from a modern and relatable point of view. I love observational humor and series that don't take themselves too easily so I really like this one.

I'm also watching Odd Taxi(anime). I don't think it's very popular but it got good ratings and was recommended by a close friend. It's alright so far.

I'm like halfway through Our Flag Means Death(live-action show) but I got busy and forgot about it. It's not bad but pirates and that time period aren't always interesting to me.

As I'm writing this I'm receiving word that season 4 of What We Do in the Shadows has started so I guess that's how I'll be spending my night.

Currently Craving?

Something sweet... a peach tree... Jk I'm not a wild woman and I do get the blues. Anyway maybe something savory like ____ or chicken?

This was fun and an excuse for me to ramble haha

I'm tagging @iridiiscente @badhanddealt @mystiqdreamer @phagethemage @gaybluemage @virgo-dicks @universalinvariant @5eanathan @trekwiz @waterloo-rd @tuna-core @rabid-mr-blobby @taykoutmccleod @marky-g20 @jimothysomebody @bundibird @teruterusky

[deeisace]

Oh today is a day for anxiety is it

Lovely

I really really should make a doctor's appointment soon

I should have months ago, for one thing, years for another

I don't know what to do

Like I had that appt with the GIC I don't even remember when that was

Where I gave my stock line from like 5 years ago, which is not true any longer if it ever were, that I'd want low-dose T, and top surgery

So obviously the GIC person was like, oh I'll send you to an endo then

And like how do you take back smth you've already said, which is the same, probably, as whatever was written on the notes the awful guy at the walk-in wrote like 4 years ago, immediately after you've said it, in a very important situation that you can't fuck up at all

So I agreed to the endo appt, and then ignored my GP trying to contact me, cs I'm a fucking idiot

And it's been months, and I don't know what to do, and I'm terrified

I don't know if I've been taken off the GIC list for not doing what I said I would, I can't even fucking deal with that thought, I might not want anything else but I do want top surgery - I have some money saved, but going private is a whole other fucking ball park I don't have time to think about

I don't know if I'm still registered at my doctors, even, I haven't made an appointment with them for literally 3+ years (whatever covid + a year is, I think, last was for my knee - they said it was fine, do yoga and take painkillers) and and have been ignoring texts like nobody's business - is it like the dentists, where if you miss enough appointments they boot you? But I haven't made any appointments to miss, either, and that's probably bad too

I need to make an appointment to get a smear test too, which I've also been ignoring like my life depends on it - tho, I spose, in a way, my life depends on me getting those tests, actually, cs cancer runs in my family (or, it's not hereditary, there was a test done about that, but still my dad, his mum, and her mum have all three had cancer multiple times each) and I've had mystery right-abdomen ache on and off for years and years now, and never got it checked cs I don't I can't, and my period time before last was a literal horror-show to the point that my mum wondered if I'd had a miscarriage (not possible in any sense) or something, and last time was two weeks late but normal, and I'm waiting for this one still (I don't know if I should be timing based on the horror-show or last month) - and, tbh, my libido's gone up like you wouldn't believe lately, and I've no idea what's caused that if anything - tho my joints being fucked up this week mum says is hormones, cs that's how her joints go too (or, if she hadn't had birth control stuff for the last 20 years, is how it would go), so praps I should be waiting based on the horror-show, for this week

I don't know how to make an appointment, cs idk if the receptionist will ask what it's about to make a note, and I don't know if I'm even on their register any more

And even were I to get an appointment, I don't know how to say any of this at all, and I don't know if I could force myself to even enter the building for a test appointment, or not absolutely bawl and panic beyond words or anything, even could I go in

Nope, I have to stop crying now and think about something else, I can't I can't I can't

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[macgyverseries]

rebutting and debunking frequently used arguments against macriley

I made this 10-page google doc rant a while ago, but I never ended up posting it. Today, however, I woke up and chose violence. So here it is: my thoughts on frequently used arguments against macriley.

I took some quotes and arguments that people put online (reddit, tumblr..), and I debunked them all :p I feel like I always see the same arguments all the time, and I’m honestly getting a little tired of hearing them. I’m here to settle this once and for all.

and yes, i did manage to cut down the google doc by 3 pages :D (but it's still long af so rip my brain)

1.”Mac and Riley are siblings because Jack is their father”

I can (mostly) get behind the argument that Mac and Riley shouldn’t be in a romantic relationship because of their super strong friendship. Some people really value that sole platonicness, and I get that.

But the argument that I can’t get behind is that: Mac and Riley are siblings because Jack is their father figure”

If you google the definition of “father,” the first result that comes up is: “a man in relation to his children.”

Now, Jack was definitely the father figure to Riley, and I would consider her his child. He raised her. He helped shape her ideals and upbringing.

Mac only met Jack when he left MIT. So it was pretty much after Mac was raised (by Bozer’s parents haha), that Jack really came into his life. Mac already became his own person. (also, I always saw Mac and Jack as more of a bromance)

So because Riley and Mac met Jack at different periods of their lives, and they were raised differently, I wouldn’t say that they were siblings who were raised by the same father.

2. “The show writers left the impression that there was a huge age gap between them”

I understand this a little. I do think Riley was introduced as pretty young and idk naive? Because she was literally in highschool, and then she went to prison, and then she got released into the wild. Personally, when I started watching the show, I googled the whole cast. So I started the show knowing that they were the same age.

And also, the more I got to know Riley, the more that I thought that Riley was more mature and had an old soul herself. I think it was because she was just a dynamic and round character, who is well-developed.

But, I get first impressions. I feel like once you get stuck on an impression, it’s hard to go away from that.

Also, Jack would’ve totally shipped macriley, and you can’t change my mind.

3. "Riley isn't ready for a relationship"

I honestly think that this argument should be more geared towards Mac. He needs to figure himself out and go to therapy ffs. However, this person targeted Riley (the literal queen), so I shall defend her:

I understand wanting Riley to take some time off, and figure herself out before going straight into another relationship with someone. But here’s the thing. Throughout the first few seasons Riley’s character was very well established, and she didn’t have any partners during that time. She has proven that she is a strong, well-rounded, independent woman (with or without a partner). So i think it is valid to say that she isn’t just some girl who only has boy toys. She is much more than that.

My next point is that Riley has made it clear that she wants a lasting relationship with someone who will support her. When talking with Mac in 4.04, we see her express her interest in a stable, healthy relationship. It’s not wrong to go out and look for that potential partner. This applies to everyone (not just fictional characters): It’s going to take a few relationships and self-discovery, to find a good relationship, and people shouldn’t be shamed for searching for that.

Riley has only ever had two major boyfriends that I remember. First was Billy; she took that relationship very seriously. She really did seem happy with him. It was a shame that he cheated on her. Second was Aubrey. She also took that relationship very seriously. She had been living with him for six months (and they even had the cutest date nights!) So I wouldn't say that Riley only has boy toys. She has meaningful relationships.

Lastly, I think this was written when season four started airing, but it’s been over a year (and a pandemic) since Riley has dated. I think enough time has passed.

*4. I had to split this one up because, oh boy, there is a lot to unpack here.

4a. “If that was the direction they’d chosen to take with that relationship from square one… My issue with it is that Mac and Riley were presented to us as friends/ found siblings for three years. There were NO romantic vibes to speak of between them..”

I actually felt the same way about macriley. The thought of them being together in season one, made me want to throw up. I don’t think the writers intended on having macriley, and I was perfectly fine with that.

I know that people look for different things when they ship. Some really like having instant gratification with the spicy, hot, sexy parts of a relationship, like macdesi (which is why I was fine with the idea of shipping macdesi in the past).

I always wanted to see macriley do more: have hot, flirtatious banters/interactions. it can be hard to ship people who seem to be missing that part of the love equation. So i agree. It's definitely strange. And I understand if you genuinely have a hard time seeing the romantic potential of macriley, when the writers have only dragged out and shown us the platonic potential of them.

Also, the reason why it is difficult to see macriley as romantic, was because they ALWAYS PRIORITIZED AND WERE DRIVEN on their friendship. A partner should be friends first, and then makeout buddies second.

But just because people start off as friends, doesn’t mean that they still don’t have that potential to be lovers. Because guess what?! Feelings change. It’s now canon that Riley has feelings for Mac, and Mac always had feelings for Riley (but never acted on it).

I'm sorry, but you like a boomer when you say “bAcK iN mY dAy, tHeY dIdN’t HaVe fEeLiNgS fOr EaCh oThEr.” like okaAAAyyYYyYY????? We are not “back in your day” anymore. We are in the present. We are in today. And today, macriley is real :)

4b. “There’s the incredibly tired trope where long-term coworkers suddenly catch feelings for each other out of nowhere”

Personally, I will never get tired of the friends to lovers trope. I think the fact that Mac and Riley had such a strong friendship and foundation is what makes them perfect. Again, I know that some people just like instant gratification, but I love when a couple can take their time to have depth, emotion, and realness in their relationship.

Obviously I am biased because I have so much love for this trope, it's my favorite trope, but I don't see why you would use the “it’s overused” as reasoning to hate a ship. Just because a trope is used a lot, doesn’t mean it is bad (that’s probably why it is so good lmao). I can understand getting tired of it, and growing a dislike towards a trope. For example, I have grown an extreme dislike towards the love triangle.

A bit of a tangent: But the difference between overusing love triangles and overusing friends to lovers, is that love triangles aren’t just commonly used tropes. They are cliches. They cause unwanted drama and unnecessary hurt to one character. Whereas friends to lovers doesn’t involve as much drama and pain for a character. It is more of just angst between two people. And we know that they will get together eventually with a happy ending. So it was never really problematic.

And even then, the great thing about overusing or utilizing tropes, is that they can act as a guide. It allows the show writers and cast to make it personal, make it their own, adding their own special flair to it

I just don’t see the “this trope is used a lot” as a valid reasoning for disliking a ship .It just seems like this commenter doesn’t like the friends to lovers trope for the sake of not liking it.

I could be very wrong in my assumption of this person’s thoughts on friends to lovers, maybe there is a deeper reasoning as to why they don’t like it, but the tone that i interpreted when i read this section, was that they don’t have a real reason to dislike it, it’s more of just because.

4c.“then there's the fact that Riley had a mostly single Mac in her life for 3-4 years and she never even considered him romantically until he was with someone else”

First: Riley didn’t CHOOSE to fall in love. You may recall that “emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Second: Mac was broken up with Desi when she caught feelings for him. Plus, the moment Riley saw that Mac and Desi were getting happy together, she moved out and gave them space. She sacrificed her own feelings for his happiness, despite the fact that her heart was breaking.

4d. “and finally, Mac not only still doesn't seem to even have Riley on his radar in that way but he literally told another woman that he loves her just last week. Neither of them look particularly good here if they get together now.”

I'm assuming that this was written when 4.12 first aired. I'm also assuming that this comment was more directed towards the idea of Mac and Riley getting together immediately at the end of the season, rather than later down the road. I always saw of macriley as more of endgame material. That i would see them get together sometime in the future. So I agree. Macriley getting together during that time period, would be too rushed and unsatisfying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So those were most of the supposed arguments that I saw for people who were against macriley, but I also wanted to provide some really good examples of people who were very respectable, and actually had valid reasoning for disliking them.

1. they just don’t like shipping in general

Ships can be annoying af. Seeing people ONLY focus on the ships is sometimes tiring. I, myself, even feel a little guilty making this post, because I need to chill and mind my own business lmaooo. I really should let people do whatever they want to do with their lives, and not get caught up in the ships, but here I am :p

Anyways, I know that there is a lot of unnecessary drama that comes with shipping, and it's tiring to see people constantly go on and on about romance, when there are other perfect things about the show.

2. No matter how hard they try, they just feel it.

This is literally so dumb (and a little hypocritical/self-contradictory), but if you have a gut feeling, and you just can’t get yourself to ship it, I get it. If you truly and genuinely believe that they are best platonic friends, I can't change your opinion. And I have respect for you (if you say it in a kind manner).

Here is a nice example of a person who expressed their opinion in a nice way, with no BS.

So the moral of the story: I can't control your deepest thoughts. I can't control your gut feelings. And that’s okay. But the moment that you start backing up your thoughts and insights with BS reasoning, is the moment that I lose respect for you.

[threecrowsinatrenchcoat]

Paint My Spirit Gold

Dukeceit Week Day 2: Green/Yellow

Fans of the YouTubers "Deceit" and Remus "The Duke" Sanders start to suspect that maybe, just maybe, the two of them are more than simple internet pals.

AO3 Link: [here]

Word Count: 2187

Warnings: n/a

@dukeceitweek <3

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[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a watercolor-style painting of a snake. The snake appears to be made of melting chocolate, and there is a large bite taken out of its tail. Cherries and jam are leaking out of the snake at the bite wound. The snake's expression of horror is overly-exaggerated to the point of comedy. The caption reads: "liked your snake boi, @SerpenThyme. thanks for the inspo." /end ID]

- 

A notification ding cut Janus off mid-sentence. 

“Wow, someone left their cell phone on, so professional,” he said, giving the camera a dramatic eye roll. That someone was him, of course, because he was the only one in the apartment- just him and the running livestream- but that was no excuse not to be a drama queen about it. He finished wiping flour off his hands and grabbed his phone to silence it; but the notification made him pause. He flicked his eyes up toward the camera and gave a slight smirk.

“My goodness, I’m famous,” he drawled. “The Duke himself has graced little old me with some fan art.”

Most of the comments in the chat wanted him to show it, so Janus opened up Twitter to see the full post he’d been tagged in. It was a watercolor painting of the coiled-snake chocolate sculpture- lovingly named Jake by his viewers- he’d made for his YouTube video last week; it was wearing an expression of such comedic horror that Janus had to stifle a laugh. He flicked his phone screen toward the close-up camera on his counter so his viewers could see.

“How kind of you, Remus,” he said. “All of you should go scold him for what he’s done to poor Jake here.”

Most of his viewers would know he was joking- after all, they were the ones to nickname him Deceit when he provided neither a real or fake name for his online persona. They knew full well what he was like by now.

The oven timer dinged. Janus silenced his phone and set it aside.

“And our first batch of cookies is done. You know, why don’t we show the Duke some appreciation?”

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[ID: An Instagram post by user @SerpenThyme. The photo is an artistically-framed shot of a stack of sugar cookies with green, yellow, and pink icing. Propped up against the stack is another cookie, with an intricate icing-drawing of an octopus. The photo appears to have been color corrected to have high contrast, low saturation, and a dark vignette at the edges. The Instagram user @OctoDukie is tagged. No caption. /end ID]

- 

“You know, I have often been accused of actually being a little old lady, what with my fondness for knitted jumpers, rocking chairs, and incredibly fucked up murder mystery books. Today I am doing nothing to dispel this accusation, by making soup.”

The studio was dark and empty aside from Remus' workspace. Everyone else had left long ago, even his own brother, which meant that it was officially ass-o'clock in the morning (or, as most people called it, somewhere between 1 and 2 a.m.) But Remus was stuck in hyperfocus, honed in on putting the last touches on a commission that he'd been putting off for weeks. It's not that it was a tough painting- once he'd gotten started, it was actually a very creatively satisfying piece- but man, executive dysfunction could go suck a dick

“French onion soup, specifically. Because while I do like to pretend I am a classy bitch, I am also, regrettably, a lazy bitch with a distaste for anything that takes longer than one bottle of wine to make.”

Remus hated working in silence. It was stifling, almost suffocating. His brain needed noise like his lungs needed air. So when the studio had grown still and silent, Remus had flipped open his laptop and queued up some YouTube videos. 

“So we have here three pounds of onions that we need to slice up, pole to pole. You’re going to cry no matter what, so if you have any memories you’ve been repressing since middle school, now is an excellent time to dredge those up.” 

And if it happened to be 90% SerpenThyme videos, well. Sue him. 

“Now the first rule of caramelizing onions: fast and sloppy is always better than slow and thorough… at least, that’s what every man I’ve ever slept with tells me.”

Remus choked and glanced over to his laptop screen just in time to catch Deceit's trademark smirk directed at the audience just for a moment. It was the deadpan delivery that always got him. Remus could barely hold onto a joke long enough to get through it without cackling mid-punchline, but this fucker could say the funniest shit like an off-hand comment. 

He wiped his hands off on his jeans (what use were clothes if you couldn't use them as paint rags?) and pulled his laptop across the table.  He typed out a quick comment, citing the timestamp of the joke, and after it was posted, he shut his laptop. 

'Cause ass-o'clock was short for "get-your-ass-home-or-I’ll-kick-it" o'clock. 

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[ID: A screenshot of a YouTube comments section. The first comment is by user TheDuke, and reads: "10:42 wow, rude." The second comment is a reply by user SerpenThyme, and simply reads ";)" /end ID]

-

Janus plopped down on the couch with a slight groan. He didn’t need to stream today, but he really hated missing days. Besides… he was fine. Really. 

He adjusted the camera until he was happy with the framing, and then checked the settings on his streaming software. Satisfied, he started the stream, and watched as his usual viewers rolled in. 

“What do you mean I’m not in my kitchen?” Janus drawled, addressing the chat. He glanced around with an expression of faux-shock on his face. “My goodness, when did that happen?”

He chuckled, and then gestured to his surroundings. “Yes, we are in my living room today. If you must know, my closest and most trusted friend tried to murder me today- yes, Virgil, it was attempted murder and nothing less- and I survived with nary a scratch… and a broken foot, but that is beside the point. Anyway, I’m not allowed to stand for long periods of time, and I may or may not be somewhat inebriated by pain pills and couldn’t stand even if I wanted to. So we are cooking from my couch today.”

Janus paused for a few moments to read the chat messages as they popped up. A few get well soon’s, a few theories about the “attempted murder,” Virgil- who moderated his chat for him- vehemently denying the “attempted murder” but otherwise refusing to clarify the event, and a large volume of wtf why are you streaming today, take care of yourself comments, which made him smile. But one particular comment caught his eye, almost lost amid the torrent of an active chat: wait this kinda looks like the Duke’s living room?

“Oh, VampSuga,” he said, addressing that commenter in particular with a slight smirk. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, since I can’t reach my oven from here, I thought some no-bake cookies were in order. For these you will need-”

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[ID: A screenshot of a Discord conversation. The text reads:

“VampSuga: Ok ok hear me out. Dukeceit. 

Starstruck96: who?

IneffableSnek: lmao

FeralBeauYasha: lol

VampSuga: Deceit and Remus Sanders! They’re totally dating. I will die on this hill. 

FeralBeauYasha: Isn’t the duke w/ PatPat?

IneffableSnek: no thats his brothers bf

FeralBeauYasha: ohh

VampSuga: Did anyone see Deceit’s stream today? I swear that’s the Duke’s livingroom. 

StarStruck96: idk that seems like a stretch

IneffableSnek: no wait i kno what u mean

IneffableSnek: im watching the duke’s old videos and that one where he shows off all his old weapons he’s in a living room kinda like deceit’s 

FeralBeauYasha: They were acting all cute on twitter too

VampSuga: DUKECEIT”  /end ID]

-

"Hey guys, been a while since you've seen my face and not just whatever my hands are busy with, when it's within YouTube's terms and conditions I mean. They used to be way more lenient…" Remus trailed off for a moment, then shook his head sharply and plastered on a grin. 

"Anyway! In June me and a few other creators did a fundraiser for the Trevor Project, and y'all smashed the goal, so I let you decide what video I'd make this month." He paused, and gestured to the mountain of clothes piled behind him on the bed. "And you had so many juicy ideas to choose from, but you decided to dress me up like a Barbie instead."

Remus paused to scroll through his phone for a few moments. "Ah, ok, here we go. Twitter user YoonIsMyCat- oh, BTS, nice- sent in this first outfit. Uh… future Remus, put up the post here somewhere." He gestured vaguely to his right. "Y'all went with either a fuckton more clothes or a fuckton less clothes, which I respect. Apparently this outfit is called…” He squinted at his phone. “Amish chic? I take it back, no respect at all.”

Remus cycled through the outfits his viewers sent in, which ranged from the aforementioned “Amish chic” to “2008 rave attire” to “ok now you guys are just fucking with me” (which consisted of one of those big puffy snow coats, lime green in color; booty shorts with the shrug text emoji across the ass; fuzzy pink boots; and a yellow cowboy hat to top off the whole thing. It was awful. Remus loved it.) The mountain of clothes on the bed gradually became a mess of clothes spread across the floor instead, until there was just one outfit left. 

“Ok so Twitter user VampSuga sent me this outfit that I’m gonna call ‘sexy librarian.’ I couldn’t find this exact sweater online, but-” he paused for dramatic effect, before brandishing a sweater toward the camera like a bullfighter. “My boyfriend had something that was close enough.”

Remus hopped up from the bed and switched off the camera so he could change.

“They’re going to lose their minds,” a voice drawled from the doorway. Remus threw his shirt at him.

“Shoo, I’m getting naked.”

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[ID: A Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a selfie of YouTuber Remus “The Duke” Sanders, a Hispanic man with his hair dyed green and styled into a spiked mohawk. He is wearing a yellow knitted cardigan over a black button-up shirt. He is grinning widely at the camera. The caption reads: “my viewers pick my outfits! now live on youtube. go see what i look like as a sexy librarian!” /end ID]

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DukeceitStan

first and only dukeceit shipper ig

DukeceitStan

wow there’s so many of you now! Hi!!

DukeceitStan

i want this to be canon so bad omg

DukeceitStan

i mean just look

[image]

how 

[image]

cute

[image]

[ID: A series of three gifs featuring Youtubers SerpenThyme, aka Deceit, and TheDuke, aka Remus Sanders. Deceit is a black man with long, dreadlocked hair, and vitiligo patches along the left side of his face. Remus is a Hispanic man with green-dyed hair styled into a mohawk, many ear and facial piercings, and tattoos covering both arms. Each gif is edited so that the highlights are tinged yellow when Deceit is seen, and tinged green when Remus is seen.

The first gif depicts a close-up shot of Deceit’s hands as he carefully decorates a cookie with green and yellow icing. The cookie art he is working on appears to be a half-finished octopus. The gif then fades into a mid-shot of Remus, with his back to the camera, facing a canvas. The canvas is blank, and Remus appears to be laying out paints on a table to his left. 

The second gif depicts Deceit seated at his couch, facing the camera. He has many ingredients spread across his coffee table (including oats, cocoa powder, and butter) and appears to be in the process of laying out several more. The gif fades to show Remus seated at a similar couch with a similar coffee table in front of him. The camera is angled slightly downward to better show the myriad of knives spread out across the table. Remus is gesturing wildly with a morning star held in his hand. 

The third gif depicts Deceit in his kitchen. He is pulling on a bright, yellow knitted cardigan, and smirking toward the camera. The gif fades to show Remus in his bedroom, seated on his bed. He is holding up a similar-looking cardigan toward the camera and grinning. /end ID]

- 

“Remus, it’s almost two in the morning. Come to bed.”

“I’m coming, sorry. Twitter distracted me.”

“Mm. I can’t believe the bird app is more distracting than I am.”

“You should try harder.”

“Come to bed and maybe I will.”

“Ok, ok, I’m coming. Hang on though, is it cool if I post this?”

“Sure. They figured it out anyway.”

“Sweet. Ok, Jannie, I’m coming.”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It reads: “Dukeceit is canon.” /end ID] 

[rev-1832]

please for the love of all fuck explain mcyt to me

Omg I've been waiting for this

So mcyt means minecraft youtube, but usually also includes Twitch streamers. It's like a in general thing, and not pointing to anything specific

But since you sound so confused, I'm gonna explain to you the Dream SMP lore 'cause why not

TL;DR: Chaos and war, basically also like a hamilton, heathers, and les mis crossover (but i mean if you want to understand everything you should read.)

If theres spelling mistakes, sorry

Note: Everyone on the smp has three canon lives, and when you loose all three you're canonically dead (except philza minecraft. he has one canon life bc hes known as the hardcore guy bc he had a minecraft hardcore series for 6 years until he was killed by a spider while trying to fight a baby zombie lmaoooooo)

IMPORTANT: THIS IS ALL RP. IRL THEY’RE ALL FRIENDS. THERES A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE PLAYER AND THE CHARACTER. THE RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T ACTUALLY TOGETHER IRL. ITS ALL THEIR CHARACTERS THAT THEY MADE UP. (obviously the best friends stuff are irl)

In the beginning there were 8: The Dream Team (Dream, Georgenotfound [the guy in my pfp btw :)] , Sapnap), Badboyhalo, Awesamdude, Ponk, Callahan, and Alyssa. Around this time, nothing much happened since it was all brand new, uhh yeah (this was around may-july of this year)

Then around late july new members joined: Tommyinnit, Tubbo, Wilbur Soot, Eret, Skeppy, Fundy, Punz, Purpled, and Schlatt. This part is very important to the lore, because the lore kinda started off with the british (so tommy, tubbo, wilbur, eret) Schlatt was banned, cause Sapnap was the one who invited him and Dream didn't know who he was. He'll come up later.

So Wilbur and Tommy decided to create a new nation called "L'Manberg". Also around this time (i think) Nihachu and Jack Manifold joined. They also were part of L'Manberg. There was this huge revolution between Dream Smp and L'Manberg. Very historical period on this smp. In the end, (i think it was?) L'Manberg who won (if memory serves).

After that, L'Manberg had started growing bigger, with a lot more buildings added and stuff, notably Church Prime, which where they created a religion for Twitch Prime, which is how you can sub to your favorite twitch streamer for free if you link your amazon prime account. I'm pretty sure around this time, Quackity, Karl Jacobs (if you watch Mr. Beast; yes, that karl jacobs), HBomb, Technoblade, and Antfrost joined. And then the railway war started. It happened when Tommy accidentally ran over Dream with a Minecart and then took his stuff. This is how the disc war started (once again, if memory serves). The two discs Tommy owns are his prized possesions, and Dream took them. Also around this time the Pet War started, with Sapnap killing someones(i forgot oops) pet. And then more pet killing. Annnnd then even more.

Then there was the L'Manberg eletion. There was POG2020, who was Wilbur and Tommy, SWAG2020, Quackity and George, Coconut2020, Fundy and Nihachu, and Schlatt2020 which was Schlatt. Oh yeah and he got unbanned btw

SWAG2020 and Schlatt2020 decided to combine their votes, thus Shclatt became president and Quackity his vp. Oh and ever since the election Quackity has this grudge against George bc he slept through the election. Schlatt renamed L'Manberg to Manberg, and exiled Tommy and Wilbur from it.

Schlatt is a evil dictator who likes power. He and Quackity started fighting, and so Quackity became part of Tommy and Wilbur's side. Around this time was The Battle of the Lake and The Burning Eiffel Tower, both part of the pet war. (It seems like a innocent war but its actually brutal lmao) Also (irl) Mr. Beast had a $10,000 Taco Bell gift card hunt. Eret won. It was at the cords 6969,420, because haha funny number haha weed number. This has nothing to do with the lore but yeah. Eret also became King of the SMP 

Then there was the Manberg festival. It was to celebrate democracy, but Tubbo puts it as "i decorated my own execution" bc he helped decorate it, but he was murdered there. At the festival was the Manberg Massicare, where Technoblade was forced to shoot tubbo, but he released a firework rocket kiling Tubbo, Schlatt, Quackity, and a few others. Many people lost one of their canon lives. Wilbur went all J.D like and planted 11 stacks of TNT underneath Manberg, and wanted to blow it up.

Pogtopia was formed, which is a ravine which i think is underneath? manberg? Which included basically everybody who wasn't neutral or with schlatt. On November 16 was the Manberg VS Pogtopia war, but the Badlands were also there. The Badlands is a nation of four people: Bbh, Skeppy, Awesamdude, and Antfrost. They faught with the loosing side, so the chaos could continue. Eret disobeyed Dream and got stripped of his royalty, and gave it to George. Oh and during this time, George had no idea there was a war and was building a cottagecore mushroom house with callahan and was very confused with all the death messages in the chat. Schlatt died canonically of a heart attack or stroke (no one knows tbh). Tommy became president, passed it to wilbur bc he still has unfinished buissness with dream (the discs), and wilbur passed it to Tubbo, who made Tommy his vp. Technoblade then argued about how government is bad, and they're just repeating history. Philza Minecraft joined the server, but no one could find him, until Wilbur blew up L'Manberg (they rechanged the name also). Wilbur then made Philza kill him, so Wilbur also became canonically dead. Then Techno, still mad at L'Manberg and governments, summoned two withers and made it attack the others. The Geogre decided to check out what was happening and helped fight. After the chaos, Captain Puffy and ConnorEatsPants joined the smp. About one to two weeks later Vikkstar and LazarBeam joined, then about three months after that Ranboo joined.

They rebuilt L'Manberg on stilts, and there water where the explosion was, but now with coral and stuff to make it all pretty. Tommy and Ranboo decided to go steal from Georges mushroom house, but then also griefed it and burnt it, and Dream, being a George simp, built obsidian walls around L'Manberg. They took Tommy to court, and was put on probation. Then Tommy got exiled (again) but this time by his own best friend. This made Quackity vp and Fundy secutary of state. Dream also took Georges king thing and gave it back to Eret because Eret has a good relationship with everybody, whereas George being King just caused chaos cause hes close to Dream. Quackity and Karl made Mexican L'Manberg, and George and Sapnap joined in also. War against Dream SMP, it was a negotiation and it got renamed into El Rapids (reference to Chilling in Cedar Rapids, which Hilary Clinton once said, and Quackity referenced it, got it trending #1 one twitter (well i mean dsmp gets things trending like everyday but), and got DONALD TRUMP TO SUBTWEET HIM. (This happened irl)

In his exile, Ghostbur (wilbur as ghost) and Tommy made Logstedshire, and Dream was often there to watch him. Dream then blew it up, and now Tommy is living with Techno in his arctic place. Currently, Quackity made a thing called The Butcher Army, so they could execute Techno. Tubbo, Quackity, Fundy, and I also think Ranboo? are trying to get another festival, and yes its a secret execution plan, but for them to kill Dream, who they realized is who they need to kill first. The disc war is still not over. Tommy has one of his discs, but Skeppy is in possesion of the other one.

Unluckily for Tommy (reguarding the discs), something happened in the Badlands. Bbh was digging out his underground statue room (he plans to make a statue of everyone of the server) and found this crimson egg. He, Antfrost, and Captain Puffy kinda got possesed. Also since Skeppy didn't really hang out on the server at night, but bbh does (OF FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION HE AND BBH ARE BEST FRIENDS) Captain Puffy created Discount Skeppy, which is her in a Skeppy skin. Skeppy found out, had a little conflict with her during her stream, but it was resolved, and at one point in the stream, he asked bbh to choose between him and the egg, and when bbh didn't answer, he went to the egg, put himself inside it, and logged off. Couple days later, bbh and puffy got him out, hes now possed by the crimson, called Technoblade his "best friend" infront of bbh, and is now living in a grass hut. Bad is convinced theres still some skeppt left, but yeah. Skeppy also wanted to burn the disc.

End of lore for now, bc its like if you miss ONE STREAM YOU MISS LIKE A REALLY IMPORTANT EVENT AND ITS STRESSFUL

Not much part of lore but Nihachu and Captain Puffy once went on a date. They’re both bi irl and Puffy was on Nihachu’s Love or Host (twitch dating show. its really entertaining) Captain Puffy was a contestant, and chose love. (LoH is also how Nihachu and Wilbur met.) 

Funfact: Theres 5 irl lgbtq+ ppl on the server (people who came out, anyways cause you never know, ya know?) Antfrost is gay, Eret, Nihachu, Captain Puffy are all bi, and Karl Jacobs is ace spec 

Family stuff: Philza Minecraft (he'll come up later) had two twins with a Samsung Smart Refrigerator in the 70's. The two twins being Wilbur and Technoblade (he'll come up later also) and also had another son, Tommy. They also adopted Tubbo, who they found in a box on the side of the road. When he grew up, Wilbur met Sally the Salmon, and they had a fox together (dont ask just go with it), which was Fundy. (The character) Fundy is trans, and yeah . Bbh is a dad to sapnap and yeah

Oh and a new member is coming on today on Quackity’s stream (twitch.tv/quackityhq at 5pm CST if you want to watch) 

I left out some parts, sorry, but theres always the wiki...

Wilbur Soot is also a musician! He wrote I’m In Love With an Egirl, The Internet Ruined Me, and Your New Boyfriend. (did you know the last one beat taylor swift for #1 trending on youtube? idk why but im really proud of him for that) They’re all catJam’s. Go listen!

[svft-cas]

we need to talk || jj maybank x reader

summary: you and jj have a pregnancy scare and it puts everything in perspective

warnings: cursing, underage usage, implied sex?

words: 1.1k

masterlist

a/n: this is my first so idk how to feel about it lmao, but if you read this feel free to request :) also the gif is not mine, all creds to the creator

it had been already two weeks. two weeks since you were suppose to get your period, but it hasn’t happened and all you could think of was: baby. not that it was wrong to think of a baby growing inside of you at this moment in your life, but you were 17 and your boyfriend had barely turned 18 last month.

you rushed to the pharmacy to grab a quick pregnancy test. you couldn’t take any chances. after you paid for the test, you quickly drove to Sarah’s house. she was the only one you could think of at the moment so you drove to her home, running to her door and knocking like crazy. to your luck, rafe was the one who answer and of course it wasn't very pleasant that brief moment you had to share with him. after your little encounter with your friend’s brother, you ran to her room storming into it and just with a heavy breath managed to blurt out “im pregnant”. sarah’s face dropped, it changed like 15 shades before actually managing to say something. “what? you? what?”. you entered the room straight into the bathroom, “i don't know yet, but its been 2 weeks since my period was supposed to start, and im here NO PERIOD!”

you took the test and left it inside the bathroom, as you walked out you could basically listen to sarah’s brain working out a speech “does jj know about this?” “of course he doesn't! i don't even thought of the idea until this morning. god.”

you saw her typing something into her phone “what are you doing?” asked her with fear. “texting jj, he need to know about this, unless he is not...?” you cut her off before she could even finish her question “oh my go sarah! no of course he is”

a couple minutes after your little chat with the blondie, jj was at the door of the Cameron’s residence. what was going through jj’s mind wasn't exactly positive. to be honest, receiving a text message from your girlfriend’s best friend saying that she needs to talk to you and “it’s important” isn’t exactly something good. the maybank boy walked straight to sarah’s room, where he supposed you two were, and he knocked. he felt so stupid for doing that, but he genuinely thought you were about to breakup with him, and with right. the past few days you had been avoiding him and the rest of the pogues, you weren't showing up to any parties or even texting them back. he was preoccupied about your relationship and had thought of every single thing that he had done ever since you started to act distant and weird. but he couldn't come up with anything, which just made everything 10 times worst.

“come in, jj” he heard you say, the sound of your voice calming his nerves a little bit. “hey” he said with a quiet voice. “i’ll leave you two guys so you can talk” sarah stood up from her bed and walked out her room, not without before giving jj a gentle squeeze “what the hell was that about?” jj tried to lift the mood and chuckled. “jj, we need to talk” you said with a serious tone, jj’s heart sank, everybody with a third of a brain cell knew what that phrase meant.

you invited him to sit down next to you, “what i'm about to say it's not easy, and i completely understand if you don't want to talk to me afterwards of i don't know, get mad at me?”

“cut the crap y/n, what’s been going on?, you’ve been acting weird for a couple days know and ugh this feeling of suspense is killing me: are you gonna break up with me?” jj blurted out, he genuinely couldn’t handled the tension and mysterious situation that you were setting. “oh god, no im not, but i understand if after this, well, maybe you wanna leave-” “tell you didnt cheat, im begging you” his voice sounded like it was about to crack, he was so scared, the thought of losing you was the worst thing, and it was becoming true. you were the most important thing in his life (you and the pogues) and he did not wanted to lose you.

“no. jj, i've been acting weird because,” you stood up from the bed and went inside the bathroom to grab the test. you hadn’t look at the results since you took it, you wanted to do it with jj. you picked up the test and saw two lines in it. your eyes started to fill up with tears and as you turned to face jj managed to say “im pregnant”

jj’s world just took an 180. “what?” his emotions were too much to let him speak, he felt happy and relieved about the fact that he didn’t actually had to lose you. “omg this is amazing, i genuinely thought you were breaking up with, i was ready to cry and beg on my knees for you to stay, but thank god it wasn't”

you couldn’t believe your boyfriend in front of you, was he really more affected by the fact of a possible breakup than a baby? “well, jj what so you think?” you asked lowkey mad but also curious, it was your future on the line what you were talking about.

“about the baby?” you nodded “oh honey, it's really not up to me, if you want to keep it, i swear i'm gonna be here for you and support both of you. im not saying its gonna be easy but ill try. and don't even worry about my dad, ill take some cash i have stash and we’ll start somewhere else.” the thought of having a family, to jj was always on his mind. he loved to think about you two leaving the outer banks and starting a new life, and well now a family. “but also if you dont wanna keep it, i’m okay with that decision, it's up to you. i don't want you thinking that i’m not gonna be here okay? i love you and i’ll be here by your side no matter what, you know why? because i love you, y/n”

what just happened was something else, and it made you realize that you really found the love of your life and that he was an amazing guy, all you could ask for. you were in love with him and the thought of starting a life and family with him, didn't sound so crazy after this talk. you were really settling and not regretting it.

[galacticlamps]

Tagged by @the--highlanders​ ! Thanks!

How many works do you have on AO3?

13

What’s your total AO3 word count?

76,200

(oh what a nice even number - I should try to mess that up as soon as possible, shouldn’t I?)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Aw man is this intentionally worded to be really hard to answer? I get that it says ‘written’ and not ‘posted’ but then what constitutes a ‘fandom?’ I definitely wrote fics for stuff I was interested in long before I even knew the word ‘fic’ - I did it throughout my childhood, and then in high school, and while I didn’t do it as much in college, it still happened from time to time. So a lot of the books/movies/tv shows/plays/musicals I wrote things for aren’t really fandoms, and frankly, I had to check my old folder just now to even remember some of them existed. I’ll just list the ones that I know for sure had fandoms, since that’s more fun (and embarrassing), right?

Obviously Doctor Who, classic and modern, Torchwood, Sherlock Holmes (ironically more of these seem to be about the books, but yes, I will admit, some for that tv show too), Les Mis, a couple different Marvel comics & movies, Good Omens, hell, I even found a Night Vale fic in there just now.

And I know there are other older things not even in that folder, some of which never made it to a computer at all, so if I had to ballpark a number I’d probably say around 25ish but really, who knows?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Across the Gap

On the Spot

Expectations

Shards of Memories & Fragments of Glass

Itemized

(this was fun, I’d never noticed Ao3 even had a stats page until now lol)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I take a long time to do so but for the most part, I usually get around to it. The rare exception would be if I first saw the comment when I was super busy/distracted and then felt like way too much time passed before I noticed it again, that it might be awkward if I said something at that point.

I do genuinely enjoy hearing what people think, but I’m also weirdly terrified of making anyone feel like they have to reply to my comments. I know that’s probably a little strange, but it’s actually a large part of why I made this Ao3 account in the first place - my original one, from high school, is followed by some long-time friends of mine who aren’t interested in this fandom, some of whom are involved in art & writing professionally. The thought of anyone like that reading something I wrote out of friendliness or even just curiosity and potentially having to pretend they liked it for the same reasons stressed me tf out, so I like having this virtually anonymous one because I can relax knowing that anyone who reads or interacts with something I wrote has probably done so only because they wanted to, rather than feeling obligated, and there’s no pressure on them to be nice to me about it if anything I write or post annoys them - so I really hope nobody who does just know me as an anonymous blog has ever worried about offending me by not replying to something, trust me, I’m perfectly happy with it!

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don’t think I’ve really written any angsty endings? I guess the answer would have to be Reckless just because it involves the characters arguing about sad/weighty things and there isn’t really any solution to those issues - but even then I think I ended it with a kind of acceptance that stops it from really qualifying as angst? I also set it in the the same universe as other fics, so maybe that doesn’t even count as an ending? Am I that bad at ending things on angst? Lol

Do you write crossovers? If so what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Obviously none of the fics I’ve posted are crossovers but I’m trying to think now if any of my WIP’s are - I’ve definitely poached setting/premise ideas from other media, but in terms of actual crossovers . . . I’ve got a few cross-era or cross-Doctor, a few involving Torchwood, but that’s already the same universe, so the only thing that’d qualify as a true crossover would be some vague pieces of a fic where Jamie, Zoe, and Two end up on the Enterprise, since I think the 60s series of Star Trek and Dr Who feel kind of compatible, don’t they? In fact, aren’t there like officially licensed crossover comics or something? Or did I make that up? Idk, and the ideas are very loose, so it’s not much of a WIP either

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope, never

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I’ve never written smut, but I’m wondering if it’s possible that could change soon. There’s a longish multi-chapter fic I’ve been working on for a frankly embarrassing amount of time, and the plot does call for a sex scene at one point towards the end, but I can’t seem to make up my mind on how - uh, I guess the word is explicit? - it should get. I know I could easily do a fade to black/implication thing, but it’s kind of a source of contention and anxiety for the characters, so to skip over writing the actual scene and just revisit them afterwards rings of “and they slept together and now everything’s fine!” which feels kinda cheap to me - in this context, anyway - and not the right payoff for a long fic that’s otherwise more of an interpersonal drama/slightly a period piece, if I had to place it in a genre. I feel like my aversion to actually writing the scene might just be prudishness I should get over, or maybe just self-doubt, because I know I’d rather have a well-written, funny, character-development-supporting sex scene than nothing at all, but since I’ve never had any interest in writing a scene like that before, I don’t know if I can do it well, and I also don’t want to ruin a fic I’m otherwise proud of by doing it badly... ugh I have to figure this out

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I seriously doubt it

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I mean, it’s gotta be Two & Jamie. I’ve shipped things before with varying levels of investment, but I’ve never been able to use the term ‘otp’ in a literal sense until I came across them, and now it’s already basically gone out of fashion, go figure!

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I’m not sure if I have one? My WIP doc is huge, but I don’t actually intend to get around to finishing everything in it, so I’d like to think that anything I’ve currently singled out to complete can actually get done.

That said, I do have a few AU’s that I don’t really plan to finish, but it might be cool if I could. Two of them are for all the main + some supporting characters of the Second Doctor’s era - one’s a modern day school teachers AU, and the other is a typical fantasy/fairy tale AU. Another is just Two/Jamie, based on Doctor Faustus (specifically the Marlowe play version) but right now there are two different versions of the ending coexisting in my head. I’ve written parts of scenes & some gen. backstory for all of those ideas, but I don’t know if I’ll ever try to finish them, or what form a finished product would even take - a series of one-shots set in the same universe? one long multi-chapter fic with some kind of overarching plot? And the amount of context/worldbuilding a big AU like these would require might not make them very appealing fics for people to read, so maybe it is better if I just keep them to myself, since in my head I already know what’s going on in those worlds lol.

What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t had a creative writing class since middle school, and since then I’ve only ever shown creative writing to others in a fandom context, so it’s been a while since I’ve discussed it or gotten critical feedback. I suppose when I work in other arts or even academic writing contexts, people usually say I’m kind of insightful or at least detail oriented, which might just be another way of saying I overthink things, but I like to imagine I’m decent at finding little points of interest to expand upon.

What are your writing weaknesses?

If you’ve read this far I feel like you must know what I’m about to say: I do not know how to be concise.

Usually when I’m writing a fic, I put down the dialogue first on its own, leaving out the action of the scene and whatever plot/context led there, even if I’ve already figured all of that out. But then when I go to add those things in, they’re always longer than I wanted them to be. I don’t mind writing something long, but I don’t want my fics to be a slog to get through either, and there can be a point at which the stuff I’ve added for context overwhelms the stuff that I wanted the fic to be about in the first place, so it becomes a structural/proportion issue too. I haven’t completely given up on any fics because of this yet, but there’s one I’ve been struggling with for a couple months now - probably because I’m even second-guessing myself on which scenes need to be written out and which can just be referenced like a recap. Hopefully I figure that one out soon.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

((this is karma isn’t it? i posted a fic last week with two words of gaelic in it and was worried about that and now this is karma))

In general, I don’t want to do it. I feel like you’ve gotta have a really good grasp of a language to write dialogue & speech patterns for someone who’s a native speaker, and since I’m far from fluent in any language the characters I write for are, I wouldn’t feel confident writing any significant amount of dialogue in, say, Gaelic.

As a sidenote, though, I kinda love it when other people do it, particularly for Jamie. Irish (Gaeilge) and Scottish (Gàidhlig) are both languages I’ve wanted to learn for a long time, because my family’s fresh out of living speakers of either & I think that’s a shame, but I started with Irish and at the moment I’m still very much learning it. As different as they are, it still helps me understand parts of lyrics or texts that I come across in Gàidhlig fairly frequently, so when it comes up in a fic I get to feel like I’m being responsible and practicing, and it’s great when I can actually understand what’s being said.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I’m gonna go with Harry Potter even though that’s probably not a perfectly accurate answer - it’s almost certainly the first thing that has a fandom that I ever wrote for, but it was in a notebook when I was a kid and never something that I even typed on a computer, much less posted online or shared with other members of a fandom. But even then, I’m sure it wasn’t the first pre-existing fictional universe I ever set an original story in, because I did that a lot when I was a kid, it’s just hard to remember those clearly or on any kind of timeline.

What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I’m very partial to Across the Gap, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that ranked first on the kudos thing above - but I’ve also got a soft spot for So Merrily We’ll Sing. It’s so self-indulgent it feels silly saying ‘it was so easy to write!’ but I guess having a fic that’s already just 100% headcaonons and fluff tied together by a song you really love does prevent it from being much of a labor (I also managed to refrain from making that one unnecessarily long, so that’s another win there)

tagging @terryfphanatics and anyone else who wants to do it - sorry I’m bad at remembering whose tumblr goes with whose Ao3 account, but I really would be interested to read this if anyone else feels like answering them!