#oh and it's always abt lesbians isn't it.

[gray-ace-space]

recently encountered a post where someone said "gender is fluid but sexuality isn't". (they were talking about bi lesbians.)

my first thought was: does that person, like. hear what they're saying? how can you explicitly hold two beliefs that are so logically inconsistent and not see it? how can you simultaneously think gender is this fluid and complex thing, but sexuality, much of which is defined around gender, is simple and stationary and its boundaries need policing?

but like, fuck, why even argue against it, right? there is no internal logic because there is no logical thought behind it. these are not genuine beliefs. this person is repeating what is currently acceptable in their (small) specific social circle. this is the same person who, a few years back, would be excluding nonbinary lesbians, but nonbinary lesbians are cool and normal on queer tumblr now, so they'll exclude bi lesbians instead, and not even pause to reflect on the difference.

oh, and if you read this and thought "these people don't even actually accept nb lesbians either", ding ding ding! because it's not a real, deep belief, that acceptance is extremely shallow and conditional. so as soon as someone is an nb lesbian in a way these people find odd (like being both a man and a lesbian) they will exclude them too and find a way to justify it.

why do we have to endlessly go through this cycle with queer identities. can we not? can we just not. i'm tired.

[deathdestructiondoom]

Oh what's this? I ACTUALLY POSTED ON MY G/T BLOG HOLY SHI-

Anyways guess whaaat, i have a new au.

CATCH THE TIME AU

An Isekai AU where Akito, Saki, Shizuku, Nene and Mizuki were sent to save the Creatio World from being stuck in it's years long Time Loop, however only Akito seemed to remember each Loop and something weird is happening to him. What shall happen to our favorites lesbians and pathetic bisexual ginger? Let's find out.

This is where I'm gonna go unprofessional (I lied) (Ft Pokemon references)

Also yes there are doodles.

Akito : Poor guy is not having a good time. Hes going insane, not mentally okay. His friends keep dying in each loops and he has barely anyone to talk with. And he has the burden of the world's fate on him as the Timecatcher, the only one in this world who can beat the Time God's stinky narcissistic ass. Oh and something went wrong and now after each loops he keeps growing and he gotta do this quick until his height become a major inconvenience. But that doesn't mean he's doing this alone, he got teammates, most he's barely familiar with but teammates nonetheless. They helped him through his lowest, he helped them at their lowest and they helped remind him that it’s okay to ask for help, something he forgot during the midst of each time loops. The constant loops may have changed him, for better or worse, mentally and even physically but what not has changed is his love for his teammates and how he would do anything to not let them die. Oh and he has a cool sword. He also pukes sand. He also may or may not become a demigod.

Saki : Barbaracore Pookie bear. Shes the team's healer and keeps them alive with her magic healing book. If girlypop wanted to, she can become a full Physical Catalyst user by wacking the book to enemies. Either way she's a silly patootie in a silly magical world, she knows abt the loop but still gets her memory erased, yet will that stop her from smiling? No! She's still the bright and cheerful Saki Tenma and even through the worst times, she won't falter her smile. Also she still gets tired easily due to her health but she got some strong teammates who are willing to support her. She truly loves her new friends and teammates, and wants to support them fully!

Shizuku : The Mom Friend™. Her Leoncore sense of direction is still here and everyone has to keep her on a leash to prevent her from being lost and die. Yes she's a powerful witch but still needs supervision. She's also motherhenning the shit out of the younger ones, if she says you sleep then you fucking sleep, Akito i don't give a shit that you're supposed to save the world, if you don't get atleast eight hours of sleep i will kill you. She too is aware of the loop, memories still erased but is always taking care of her teammates, being the oldest in the group makes her feel responsible to care for the younger ones wellbeing, feeling closer to them, like how she feels with Shiho.

Nene : Siren aaah powers. She got the FANGIES AND THE SHORT HAIR. She has the ability to tell people to shut the fuck up with just her voice but shes too nervous for her liking to actually do it. She's also a Disney Princess, animals love her. In case she isn't using her siren inspired powers, she has a poison-infused dagger ready at hand. She also learns how to trust her teammates even if she's unfamiliar with most of them, and they helped her gain some confidence and she slowly gets more comfortable around them. Shes still mostly shy, being in a new world, but still determined to not let the time loops, that wiped her memories, stop her from supporting her teammates to save the world and cut the time loop. She is Zubat but human.

(Ignore the other lil guy ill talk abt em in another post)

Mizuki : Take Kirby, Tinkaton and Amy Rose and mash em into Mizuki and boom you got a pretty pink lil pookie with a big ass hammer ready to whack some monsters. They got LIPSTIIIIICK. Mizuki is still their teasing self in here and yes they do gush over the cute things in the Creatio World and yes they really love their outfit and hammer like FUCK YEAH THIS IS WHAT I WANNA LOOK LIKE IN A FANTASY SETTING, they are truly in love of how feminine they look (Demigirl Mizuki is canon, if you are transphobic or think they're still a guy pls kindly get off my blog and never touch it again). Mizuki is still observant on the mood of the gang and still helps their teammates, gaining eachothers trusts and starts to express themselves more freely. They are too aware of the loop despite not keeping their memories but will that stop them from supporting their teammates, friends to save the world? No! also they pull ligma and candace jokes on the creatio world's people.

(Side note : i love their lipstick)

I don't ship these 5 romantically (lied bc i was heavily considering a rlly close SakiNene qpr) but they are still family and love and care for eachother.

Pookiebears <333

Oh and did i mention their Creatio World selves are just their consciousness transferred into their current bodies and their actual bodies are in a coma.

PLEASE SEND ME ASKS ABT THIS AU MY INBOXES ARE VERY EMPTY AND I WANNA ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS.

[zuureleena]

i drew the mercs, miss pauling, admin, and my tf2 oc on the plane to uni 😭

i did all of these a week ago and completely forgot to post them HAJAHAH miss p, the admin, and a rlly simplified ver of my tf2 oc miss lynn!! (zoey lynn hehe + js rambles abt her) under the cut

IM ACTUALLY REWORKING HER DESIGN RNNNN bcs i made her on the sims 4 LMAO and realised how much better and concise she looked, but i really wanna try and make her look like someone you'd js see irl? sooOOo tryna make her also recognisable from silhouette alone and blahablahblah tho she isn't the kind of character that would rlly make too much of a difference in the tf2 universe

i js wanted to make a loveable character LMAO who'd have more of an impact on the relationships and kinda the story?

i liked the idea of miss p having an extroverted bestfriend who's also her wingwoman bcs miss pauling is obvs an awkward lesbian mess who needs help in the love department, and vice versa bcs zoey is into scout and miss pauling is js so glad to have him move on n realise that they r better as friends!! and that he needs to be with someone who isn't annoyed by him 24/7 (IM SORRY, LWNAKS MY SELF-INSERTEDNESS GOT IN THE WAY HAHAHAHA I CANT HELP IT) also, i haven't rlly thought of any orientation for zoey... i'm thinking of her js being a het woman or js whatever u wanna interpret her as!! cuz her sexuality isn't a core thing abt her

she's an absolute harbinger of chaos who'd do anyt for money and some company (this girl has been hella lonely n stressed out of her mind and i'll explain why in an oc post🤭🤭) and even tho she never outright admits it, she does enjoy the freedom of violence she gets to have as a mann co assistant 😭 (which will ALSO make sense when i explain her background to u guys later on)

and bcs of her long experience w shady bosses and asshole customers she's had to deal within all the jobs she's had, she catches onto the administrator's whole thing with the australium fairly early into the job, but she's in tooooo deep now and is like "damn. do i get myself out of this fucked up job (that i am fucked up enough to actually enjoy) or do i stay bcs i literally have everything i've ever wanted....shit." like,, she did say she'd do anyt for money but at the cost of what 😭 [also MAN i wish we got that final comic so i can js make zoey's suspicions make sense??!?@ but in a way it js works bcs it's js this massive mystery that we don't even know of ourselves???? so likeee, im js assuming its smth rlly dangerous or smth bcs helen literally goes to the most insane lengths to get australium and finish off her final... thingy.. that uh DEBT is it... i forgot what she called it BUT WHATEVER BUSINESS SHE HAD TO ATTEND TO B4 SHE DIED QOABJASH]

OH AND YEAH, zoey hates how bossy the admin is and is an ass abt it at times, and the admin wants zoey gone so badly bcs shes an annoying little shit (which she is and honestly, her and scout can be annoying shits tgt <3) but miss p always convinces her to keep zoey BAGAHAHA and they do get things done much faster w zoey there sooOoOOo 🌝🤭

i mean she does try to kill both miss p & l anyway but still, she can't deny that they r both good at what they do

BWOSBQJS BYE I DONT THINK ANYONE IS GONNA READ THIS AHAGAH BUT THANK YOU IF U DID 😭 I HAVE SM ABT ZOEY AND I RLLY WANT HER TO BE LOVEABLE AUGHWGS

[strangefellows]

*holds up microphone to you*

TELL ME ABT UR LOBCORP NUGGETS OR UR PJM HCS ID LOVE TO HEAR EITHER!!!!! :3

(also i 100% get the feeling of not knowing how to interact w/ the fandoms ur apart of ;-;)

OH HELLO THANK YOU FOR THE ASK it really is such a mood isn't it, im just sitting here like I Want To Talk But Howmst-- ;u;

BUT YES! HCS! I don't have fully formed headcanons for all of my nuggets yet but I have a few bits and pieces!

Almost all of the main facility nuggets I have are between 15-21, none of them are adults (except two)

Tybalt is Control captain and i love him, he's a loudmouthed little shit troublemaker who's kind of everyone's friend, everyone trusts him a lot

Anzo in Control and Odelia in Information are siblings (big sis/little bro), and Regina in Records and Khama in Safety are twin sisters

Deva in Control is Tybalt's second, and during the last few days she took over command of Architecture for a bit; she's a sassy deadpan snark machine and really competent

Cecily in Training and Adzo in Extraction are friends from the same Nest, though Adzo is a bit more spoiled brat while Cecily is spoiled sweet

Harriet in Information (is based on a nugget from TQ's LPArchive LP) is weird. Very weird. Probably spent a little too long in Extraction weird. She has cutesy nicknames for all the Abnos

Ania, the Safety Captain, has a bit of a crush on Netzach; Zaph on Safety team is also an Extraction transfer he's a bit cracked but he and Khama are the two most badass fighters outside Disciplinary, they have the Apocabird / Whitenight gifts to prove it

Alban in Command is the youngest agent and everyone kinda babies him; Salome in Command is. Also weird but not because of the facility, she's just always been weird. Do not let her flirt with you. Daud in Command is a former U Corp whaler, he's a bit of a hot mess and very tired, one of the two agents older than 21.

Ryland is the Welfare captain and one of the most trusted and well liked captains besides Tybalt, he's a reliable big brother type. Livia in Welfare is the youngest besides Alban and one of the newest agents, very shy and sweet.

Disciplinary captain Aphra is a LEGEND, she is queen badass lesbian everyone is in awe of her. Her and her whole team have the Apocabird gifts, they took it out the first time it breached. Disc team is almost all girls save for Halldor, who is very quiet and kind of autistic and chill.

Records team is also all girls save one, Gidon, who is also pretty quiet but more because he's just content to let others take the lead; the girls are known as the Records Queens because they're the scariest girl clique ever and pretty on top of shit; their captain Dido is older too, the other one above 21, and she's scariest.

Nieve in Extraction is a sweetie and friends with most everyone; Edda and Raisa down there are the current weirdos, and Max the captain is a nice guy. All of them somehow aren't scared of Binah at all.

WOW OK THAT'S MORE THAN I THOUGHT but i love everyone so much haha...

Some other misc LobCorp hcs: Yesod is from District G, Hod is from District N. Yesod knows (and Hates) Hermann Limbuscompany. Ayin and Hokma are both from District B and grew up next door neighbors. I can't think of more off the top of my head but! That's a good place to start i think THANK YOU FOR ASKING;;;

[seongminiz]

camboy!taeyoung thoughts !!

minors dni ; camboy roommate!taeyoung x afab!reader ; word count: ~770

warnings : not very detailed smut ; masturbation ; dont know how but this mighttt count as dubcon since both taeyoung n reader r doing everything behind each others back ? ; kind of exhibitionism idk ; i overuse the („• ᴗ •„) emoticon bc im insane

based on that one taeyoung video , might be- no its definitely all over the place , not proof read , was supposed to post this last night but i fell asleep , pls guys dont make fun of me idk how long i can still pull the autistic aroace lesbian card to defend myself from the shitty writer allegations , im very sleepy rn :3 , might post a part 2 if anyone is interested bc im not done with the thoughts („• ᴗ •„)

camboy taeyo- GETS RAN OVER BY A TRAIN

my god my god my god

he'd sometimes use fleshlights n stuff like that but nothinggg would beat when hes fucking his hand n cums all over his toned abs („• ᴗ •„) n he'd tease his audience sooo much ! being all cocky n mostly in a dom mood ,, but the most fun streams of his r the ones where hes more subby :( begging n whining n trying sooo hard not to come too early bc being this vulnerable in front of an audience makes him more sensitive n turned on •v• camboy tyoungie i fucking love u thats it

and and and and

roommate!taeyoung who also works as a camboy to have some extra money to spend on himself . u dont know abt it , u just assume hes rlly loud n horny all the time - which, hey, u cant rlly blame him for it - but u do question if hes that loud bc he wants u to hear him ,, if only u knew how ur guess isn't that far fetched , taeyoung having to keep himself from moaning ur name everytime he streams, touching himself to the thought of u - on top of him or under him , anywhere , he doesn't care , just thinking abt u is enough . and if only he knew how u took an habit of touching urself at the same time, ur bed being conveniently against the wall confining with his room .. u dont even worry abt taeyoung hearing u , you pride yourself in being on the quieter side - you really aren't and taeyoung anxiously checks if his mic is picking up on ur sounds every single time he hears u . until one eventful day - while taeyoung is out at the gym or something - u realize oh shit , u r unbelievably horny n ur personal jerk off material isn't home ,, u r so desperate , nothing you find on twitter or even those shitty porn sites seems to do the job , it's almost like you've conditioned yourself to only feel good bc of taeyoung </3 at some point , doom scrolling ur twitter tl u come across an account u follow promoting their ,, streaming channel on some obscure website that sounds like a scam . no its definitely a scam . you've never had that much of an interest in this kind of content , but you figure at this point u could try anything to get rid of how unbearably horny u r . again, nothing of what you're seeing piques your interest, until u see the thumbnail of a specific vod from a few days prior. despite being darker, you can still realize the room looks eerily similar to yours - to taeyoung's. u shake ur head, giving yourself a few slaps for good measure and whispering to yourself to 'fucking snap out of it', there's no way you're so down bad for ur roommate u r starting to imagine him as one of these camboys. no way. but u still cant fight the urge to click on the video, maybe the resemblance to taeyoung is what can get u to finally feel good . you hurriedly put your oh so beloved noise canceling headphones on and turn the volume up. that's when your heart sinks and u freeze, hand stopping halfway inside your shorts bc holy shit that sounds a little too much like taeyoung, n u r now a hundred percent sure u saw those same bedsheets in his room four days ago - coincidentally the same day this was streamed, and yes thats his shirt, the one that always drives u insane bc he looks a little too good in it .... before u know it , you're on ur third vod of his , basically binge watching all of his past streams and on the verge of tears with how much you've been overstimulating yourself . you're so lost in it u dont realize taeyoung has come back home around the midst of 2nd video or so , and knows exactly what ur up to when he hears u moaning his name . poor boy is fighting the urge to just burst into your room , telling himself it wouldn't be morally right to do so - as if jerking off to the thought of his roommate while streaming or standing right by their door as he starts to slowly palm himself over his pants while listening to you getting off is any more decent ,,

this might stay ur little secret , both too shy to confront each other abt it ,, or maybe taeyoung will just have to wait for a repeat of that day to catch you red handed and finally get what he's been craving for weeks („• ᴗ •„)

[dozzlegramcracker]

ok so rant abt monster high

im gonna rant about so many things that went wrong with the new monster high gen. there is. many.

lagoona isnt even blue anymore

why. why is she pink. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER CURLY HAIR and gil. he's...

i actually hate this. WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THATTT WHAT HAPPENED. GIL IS NOT A FUCKBOY CHAD DONT MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE ONE

2. Draculaura's face marking, and her hair.

bangs, on fleek, slay girl. but...the colors. what happened to her stripes? it looked so cool. and the heart birthmark is supposed to be PINK. because its a BIRTHMARK and her skin is PINK ಠ_ಠ and her overbite is gone, no more fangs showing 3. frankie.

shes/they're....blue. so they made frankie blue and lagoona pink??? ... im guessing the metal leg is supposed to represent people with missing limbs so i wont say anything abt it

but her bolts are gone too?? now she has blue in her hair..okay? 4. ABBEY. (i am LIVID) WHAT. DID. THEY. DO.

one of the worst redesigns, in my opinion. I also heard she doesn't have her accent anymore?? way to take away every sense of individuality these characters ever had.

5. HEATH OH MY GOD HE'S SO UGLY I CANT

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

6. The breakup of Cleo and Deuce (and their designs) completely unnecessary, should've just let sleeping dogs lie really. i feel like they just wanted more LGBTQ characters. Cleo could've stayed with Deuce AND able to be bisexual. Cleo: Blue. INSTEAD OF GOLD? She's rich as hell, her hair is suppose to have gold in it for her richy-bitchy persona while still having good redeeming qualities that makes her a good character.

Deuce: he's green, okay, because he's a gorgon. That's fair, i suppose. His snakes are...mischievous now? I mean, they never used to be. They were always a bit goofy. His sunglasses are see-through..and he's a gorgon..everyone is turned to stone (you're not supposed to look into the eyes of a gorgon period..see-through sunglasses will NOT stop it.) Also, he has two mothers, great that's cool we love lesbian mamas. But one of them is a harpy..so..why doesn't deuce have harpy traits like Avea Trotter? Unless Lyra is a stepmom?

7. The outfits. What was once cool, has become really bad and modern. Literally. They don't appeal to me anymore. It looks like bright colors strewn haphazardly all over, they use the worst combinations as well. Not just with the outfits! I mean, look.

its just so...watered down. Blue on blue/Pink on pink..really??

8. The animation, and overall. Let's look at the difference between G1/2 and G3

excusing a few characters, but my question is, why? I really didn't see any reason to change the original. If it was 'to make it more appealing' then you failed at that, in my book. I've actually heard that one reason was sexualization of characters. None of these original characters were sexualized, remember, they are in HIGHSCHOOL. The patrons of Monster High range from 14-18 years old (save for the vampires) and the main cast is 15-16 years old. If anything, giving Abbey larger hips is sexualization. I get that most characters in the original are abnormally skinny but it is the art style that makes them that way. No, it isn't wrong to make them less skinny and give them some actual fat. There was little to no plus-size representation in the older shows/movies. It IS wrong to change their designs completely! I respect what they did with Catty Noir because they did change her body type but almost completely left her design alone. Rethink about what happened with this, ask yourselves what you did wrong.

[t00thpasteface]

do u have a post abt your martin/lucien headcanons and if not would you consider making one....

oh. my god. i have so many. SO MANY. so many headcanons and also so many posts about the headcanons.

i was going to link individual posts, but actually if you go to this blog search (the term "marcien shoutz") it will pull up all my marcien text posts and you can browse the whole lot at your leisure! and of course all the text posts i've posted and asks i've answered about marcien (including ask games and anon hour) are under the marcien tag just the same as the art posts ✨

that being said, a lot of my headcanons are actually kind of in a permanent state of flux depending on what i need/want for a particular drawing or fic. i'm torn between a few very specific possible setups for their relationship, and i jump between them (or blend them) as the rule of cool/funny dictates!

HoK introduces them as mutual friends: this could pan out in several different directions. there's the obvious one where they hit it off right away and are open about it, but there's also the version where they hook up secretly afterwards and don't tell the HoK. and there's even the third version where Lucien sees an opportunity and pretends like he wants to be closer friends with Martin while secretly plotting to exploit him... until he starts actually liking the guy for real. wait, isn't that just a Spongebob episode??

HoK sets them up on a date: i think this one is probably at its funniest when they don't get along right away. they agree to one or two dates mostly out of loneliness and/or curiosity, or just to humor the HoK, but then once it actually starts to pan out they're like... dammit, the HoK was actually right again.

failed love triangle: now this one's got some spicy potential for explosive drama. my HoK is a lesbian, so she really doesn't have a stake in a genuine love triangle, but another HoK who's already dating, crushing on, or (yikes!) engaged to one of the boys would have a lot more to lose. maybe it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but if you love angst, there's a lot of meat on this bone. you could also take the polycule route, but we're talking about Marcien and not Marcienhok, so i'm only interested in the illicit guilty hookups behind the HoK's back. muahahaha...

they met before the events of the game: these all have a very similar dynamic of the HoK independently & unwittingly befriending either half of an old flame that fizzled out, but they would start differently depending on what stage of his life Martin was in when he met Lucien: farm boy, prodigy guild mage, Sanguinite, or priest. there's a lot of potential for friction between how much Martin has changed over the years versus how constant Lucien would be as a lifelong member of the Brotherhood, and that would certainly color their expectations about reuniting and trying to get back together.

one of them has/wants to kill the other: obviously, this could refer to a scenario in which Lucien takes out a contract to kill Martin, but remember that Martin also holds a lot of influence and could absolutely have good reason to want to wipe out the Dark Brotherhood, or at least their influence in a specific area. there's a potential for bonus drama if the HoK is/was in the DBH, whether or not Martin knows about it. i'm always a sucker for the "i came here to kill you but i can't bring myself to do it anymore" dynamic you often see between an outlaw and their lover.

you can probably presume the sort of headcanons that would go along with each scenario but as always i'm happy to elaborate if there's one you want to hear more about. (and they're all on my To-Draw List… but so are ten million other things x_x;;)

if you're reading this, consider all thse ideas totally fair game for stealing for your own art/fic purposes. far be it from me to gatekeep a rarepair!! i've also beta-read some Marcien fic before and would be happy to do so again if anyone asks.

that's all for now!!! thanks SO much for the ask!!!!

[maddy-ferguson]

the majority of the st fandom is sadly heavily homophobic and thats why i dont follow it anymore (this anon ask is just one of the exceptions lol), the queer people are always expected to accept the minimum and as a sapphic fan, i actually lean more toward sapphic ships in fiction! but the way they introduced vickie sucked she literally has no surname, barely had any interactions with robin and spent most of her screentime kissing her ex boyfriend.... the majority of the fandom doesnt give a shit about vickie because that's how much st failed at utilizing her character. there's a reason why many fans ship robin with nancy instead. because vickie's character is so underwhelming that ppl dont care abt her and dont engage in her content bc it's so lacking in canon. i would care for robin x vickie i really would but theyre not nicely written and queer ppl shouldnt be apologizing for not caring for them. also why should we just accept that we have 1 gay ship in the entire show where we had 245432345 characters over the course of the seasons. it's like saying 'be fine with getting the bare minimum' and it sucks that the fandom is like this but surely it aint surprising!

literally i second everything you said...like maybe if the importance of the ships were reversed like if it was the sapphic ship that was as major as byler in the story and the mlm ship that had three scenes like robin and vickie and it was still more popular i would understand people saying that the lesbian ship is being ignored and everything but oh my god. they have three scenes. we know all of three things about vickie. and like omggg are people not allowed to ship what they want to ship are people not allowed to want more than one queer couple i'm so annoyed. i don't even think everyone who's into the byler is the lesser queer ship you should focus on robin and vickie narrative is a homophobic mlvn who hates byler some of them just wish the canon lesbian rep was talked about more WHICH I GET but it's not our fault mike and will objectively have more story. that's just how the show is written. vickie has three scenes. three! what are people supposed to do with that. main queer couple built up from the beginning is a win it just is even if it's "just a cis white gay couple" (the white isn't even a valid criticism because almost all the characters are white. and also cis. but ykwim. and gay couple will always be more progressive than straight couple even though they have A WOMAN IN IT sdksjdk anyway.) and believe me i would've loved for it to be a lesbian couple but this is stranger things they have three women total!

[rotisseries]

ASKING U ABT CIRI WITCHERS BOOKS? TELL ME MORE

OK SO. the fun thing about the witcher books is that they were written by a Man In The 80s. so you have moments where it's like. oh how unexpectedly progressive of you!!! (very cool pro choice scene) and other moments where it was very much Written By A Man In The 80s. so. miss cirilla fiona elen riannon is actually a PERFECT example of this duality because she is fundamentally a joint main protag like this series is just as much about her journey as it is about geralt's and she's a teenage girl written with a lot of depth and care and compassion. and also sometimes it's just fucking weird. like this series encompasses a large span of time so while she starts the series at like. 12. a large portion of her story happens at like. the 15 to 16 range. so there's like. the occasional weird shit and then there's generally too many. threats of sexual violence against her like I cannot overstate that. a main plot point is that elves want to impregnate her because she has special elven heritage or something idfk I need to reread. BUT. MOST MEMORABLE OFFENSE IN MY MIND. IS THE FACT SHE'S CANONICALLY SAPPHIC (yay) AND IT'S WRITTEN FUCKING WEIRD (nooo) SO. there's an arc where she gets separated from geralt for awhile and he's trying to find her (with a fun little found family btw. while she's like. having the greatest suffering of her fucking life and she's ALREADY lost her grandmother to war and fire atp) and it's the first time she's truly been on her own. she's 15 she's been hanging with him since she was 12 he's been her gruff dad for several years now. so this ends up as kind of a very dark point in her life she first has to survive through this desert and then she gets attacked by bandits??? I think??? older men though which is the main threat. and she's captured and scared and then!! she gets rescued by this teenaged bandit group and this is where it's a dark point in her life bc they are a very toxic friend group for her it's not good these aren't really like. moral bandits like overall her time with them isn't great for her BUT. the first night she stays with them one of the boys in the group tries to assualt her. gently of course. 🙄 but the other girl in the group, (I REMEMBER THIS BITCH'S NAME. FUCKING MISTLE) runs him off but then she ALSO makes sexual advances on ciri SHE LITERALLY DOES THE SAME THING THE BOY DID and CIRI GOES WITH IT BUT IT'S LIKE. THERE'S NO ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT HERE OR ANYTHING SHE'S UNCOMFORTABLE SHE'S NOT READY I THINK SHE CRIES HANG ON IT'S REALLY BAD LEMME SEE IF I CAN FIND IT LIKE I CAN'T OVERSTATE THIS ENOUGH IT'S TEXTUALLY SEXUAL ASSAULT

look at this shit.

"but rori," you may say, "this is awful, but why point to this as canon sapphicness? rape is not representation" and you are RIGHT. SO TRUEEE. unfortunately. ciri continues to date this bitch. they have an extended romantic relationship for months. or longer. while ciri rides around with them harassing random villages. SO. CIRI'S ONLY CANONICAL SAPPHIC RELATIONSHIP. WHICH IS MEANT TO BE HER BEING SAPPHIC BTW BC THE AUTHOR SAID SOME SHIT IN AN INTERVIEW OR SMTH ABOUT WANTING TO GO AGAINST STEREOTYPES OR WHATEVER WHERE THE PRINCESS ALWAYS ENDS UP WITH SOME MAN. KEEP THAT IN MIND BTW IT'LL BE RELEVANT AGAIN. BUT ANYWAY. ONLY CANONICAL SAPPHIC RELATIONSHIP AND CANONICAL EVIDENCE OF CIRI BEING SAPPHIC AND IT'S. IT'S FUCKING. IT FUCKING STARTS WITH A RAPE. ANDRZEJ SAPOWSKI I WILL KILL YOU

and then. AND THEN. even better. actually objectively a better situation than this one but it sours it further to me. so she's like? technically bisexual I think? in the sense that she has a female "love interest" and later a male one. but it's just. it's not anything specific but the way it's written is just like. it feels more like he wrote her as a lesbian and then just changed his mind at the last book. because the final book is her telling this man she meets about the shit she went through (this is well after mistle btw like I think it's been a few years) and then they like. leave somewhere together at the end of the book? and it's not really romantic but it simultaneously reads like maybe it's supposed to be (AND OH HEY REMEMBER THAT BIT ABOUT NOT WANTING THE TROPEY ENDING FOR THE PRINCESS WHERE SHE ENDS UP WITH A MAN??) and if yes then it's weird as bisexuality rep because it actually just reads like he wrote her as a lesbian during the worst time in her life and then after she got better and got through it her happy ending is with a man. so. bit weird bit odd. and then the game witcher 3 gives you the option to say she's not in to guys. but also the option to romance a guy. so who even knows. ciri's possible lesbianism/bisexuality is the sexuality schroedingers cat. lmao

[lucysablefan]

lucysablefan 2023 review

also i didn't get to talk abt my top however many things that i've watched in 2023 and i'm probably going to have to make this into a thread but firdt of all revenant and celebrity are definitely Up There for me from the cast to the story and everything else i was completely into those shows and that's a lot for me bc getting bored halfway into a show is my number one (reluctant) hobby.

i definitely think revenant escaped that partly bc there was no obvious romance plot for me to get bored after they get tgt but even without it being obvious kim taeri and hong kyung tgt in that show was one of the best decision ever made in cinema. kim taeri stuns us once again with her amazing acting + shim dalgi moment s, that was great i'm still not done watching more of her stuff but i really do love seeing her in stuff i'm watching it's always a delightful surprise and she slayed that role like it was written for her so that was great. oh jungse was there too (ig 🙄) and it was nice he did his job and i was sold + yang hyeji moment ! always a blast seeing her in anything (will make another appearance when i talk abt sweet home 2 in this post eventually)

now celebrity,,, amazing drama, i'll be honest at first i wasn't too sold on the influencer plotline but it's a park gyuyoung drama and as a humble lesbian i just had to tune in + lee chungha slay once again, i've loved her ever since vampire detective and this character was amazing for her

anyways i loved the plot, loved the execution, one grievance i have is definitely the fact that seo ari ends up with that loser classist guy intead of yoon sihyeon which was??? like if not for homophobia ik they would have ended up tgt bc seo ari has too much respect to stay with hjk for sure

also one thing i absolutely Have to comment on is that one scene where seo ari ruins her dress and then she goes "i can just pay for it" or smth along those lines and when she realizes what she said she gets a little taken aback? ye that scene birthed me actually bc??? what amazing writing truly just art

also literally the whole cast in that show was just like oh ye i'm an amazing performer and here's proof so that was definitely a treat for the audience (me)

now smth that Didn't come out during that year but i finally watched bc of park sewan (i still haven't finished doona but when i found out she played in it i was like!!!! school 2017 actress moment, idk why i have this weird cast of school 2017 thing but i do and it simply can't be helped) anwz it's!!!! ultimate weapon alice or wth title that you know it by. now i'll be honest the ending? i wasn't thrilled but i also didn't care much for it bc this drama just felt like one where the ending really isn't that important like ye i used to study lit so having an "oh this is a tragedy (shakespeare war flashbacks)" moment is always nice but that's not what this is abt, the sound design (? eng isn't my first language so don't be mean to me) alone makes this show better than average, the writing? impeccable, those imaginary somewhat comedic scenes? right up my alley, every episode was just a treat after another i had a Great time watching it, the characters and their dynamics were truly amazing and the acting was just constantly delivering once again i just love park sewan and i will finish watching doona for her (mostly, i love suzy too ofc <3)

now smty else i watched that i lived this year : enigma. what a show, short but a masterpiece nonetheless and i can't wait for s2 although obv as i was forced to learn through being a cw nancy drew fan, i should always keep my expectations low when the first season is a little too good. also prim won't be there which booooo,, but i'll get over it and i can't wait to see the new charas.

one thing to know abt me : i love visually pleasing stuff and if you play around with format a little bit and add some great mixed media to your show not only am i sold but i'm also telling whoever is willing to listen to go and watch your show i'm easy and i'm not ashamed.

anwz brain no worky anymore so i'll add onto this eventually but don't hold me to that (just rmbrd i have to talk abt sweet home 2 so i Will be back for that hehe)

[psycheterminal]

Calliope and Roxy, possible post-canon discussion

Non-explicit discussion of intimacy and intercourse below and brief mention of alcohol addiction. Cut for length.

I haven't read any of their dialogues for quite some time, so apologies if their characterizations are a bit off!

CALLIOPE: does it ever bother yoU that well. we'll never be intimate? ROXY: what do u even mean haha ROXY: we like ROXY: cuddle every single day!! it is COMPLETELY wonderful. CALLIOPE: bUt that isn't hUman intimacy. we'll never... yoU know... do the deed? ROXY: oh, that. you mean. sex? CALLIOPE: yes, i mean that! well. we do roleplay it... ROXY: hmmmmm. so, let me make sure i understand what youre worried about: ROXY: youre worried that roleplay and cuddling ROXY: which is the most awesome thing ever ROXY: isn't enough for me? CALLIOPE: oh, i sUppose it soUnds silly now. nevermind, i'm jUst being stUpid.... U_U ROXY: u are wonderful and not even a little bit dumb at ALL ROXY: you remember how i mentioned that i grew up in another 'timezone' from jake and jane right CALLIOPE: oh yes, yoU did! yoU were raised separately from the rest of yoUr kind! ROXY: yep yep ROXY: the only other person in the WORLD was dirk and he was busy with jake stuff. ROXY: that and lots of troll robots who would have been a huge problem if they found me CALLIOPE: yoU mentioned that yoU are rather glad to not be in that sitUation anymore, many times! i am, too! ROXY: u are and always have been so so sweet ROXY: so i know that you consider yourself a girl but that gender for ur species is uh ROXY: negotiable and stuff on gender. CALLIOPE: close enoUgh! ^U^ ROXY: i find ever1 cute ROXY: *every1 ROXY: every time i see u again after being apart u take my breath away ROXY: with how much u amaze me just by being you ROXY: ur shy, ur not what my people call feminine but like ROXY: i only care about that to the extent that those things make u YOU ROXY: now prepare for this mind blowing revelation ROXY: i love cuddles. no surprise right? ROXY: but the idea of like. ROXY: being intimate with another human being makes me go like ROXY: mehhhhhhhhhhhhhh ROXY: maybe that doesn't make sense but like ROXY: i totally don't think about it 90% of the time CALLIOPE: bUt the other 10%? what about that? how does it coloUr your experiences? ROXY: i had to rely on old records of humans to understand how it worked ROXY: bcuz I'd never experienced those things and never met my mom ROXY: she died so long before we could even meet ROXY: so I couldn't ask her abt shit i was curious about ROXY: it's part of why i am such a badass hacker lol ROXY: but one thing from before the end was something called bambi lesbians ROXY: i don't think i need a label because they are LE DUMB ROXY: but they weren't interested in sex ROXY: my intimacy is my feelings! and the awesome cuddles ROXY: i think about it sometimes but like ROXY: its more that i am not opposed if i had the opportunity with a friend or partner so long as all involved were ok with it! ROXY: i am not repulsed just disinterested ROXY: you are enough calliope! CALLIOPE: i am enoUgh....? ROXY: yeah!!! we're two rad people enjoying our lives ROXY: that's all i really need ROXY: you talk to me and you treat me right ROXY: you came to me when you were feeling insecure and that is so amazing ROXY: my addiction was something i felt terrible abt sometimes and ROXY: it was HARD ROXY: not to get down on myself about it!!! ROXY: so i can understand feeling like shit about urself ROXY: so i am telling u ROXY: u are enough and i am enough ROXY: so long as we keep working at our relationship! CALLIOPE: thank you, roxy. i always appreciate yoU and what we have. i am so glad we finally got to meet. ROXY: so am i!!! let's get some more cuddling in bcuz you are the best cuddle partner a bambi bisexual lesbean can have!

[centralkvetchmonolith]

Further updates on today's occurrences:

I did NOT get my knives sharpened because* I'm a lazy dipshit who can't remember what times of day people function at, yippee!**

*I don't actually feel the following about myself; I'm just venting for funsies

**I'm cool I just have at least one sleep disorder and misremembered "1pm close" as "4pm close" for some reason, which is a normal mistake to make if you're unfamiliar with farmer's markets

Oh well! There is always next week. I DID go to the Jewish event, with @creatureaccess bc I haven't gotten to do much Jewy socializing with them, and we hung out with my friend Khesed and got some nice prints and earrings!!!

In addition to the planned socialization, I ran into 4 sets of people I wasn't expecting:

Kendrick and their roommate Dawn — they Recognized Me from services a couple years ago, but we didn't quite remember each other. I mention these folks mostly so that I remember their names, as I will probably see them in the future and it takes me several meetings to remember faces and names together w/o hints.

MJ! The (lay) cantor who is considering Hebrew College! She was like "oh jeez people keep saying that and I feel like everyone will be so disappointed if I decide not to go" which! oh no! I only mentioned it bc I just broke up w a Hebrew College student who mentioned seeing her at prospy week (which is not what they call it)! I think she feels bad about being put on a pedestal, bc she also remarked that introducing her to Mercury as "the most familiar voice at Shir Tikvah" was nice bc I wasn't doing the usual thing (of intentionally or unintentionally overpraising her, which I'm sure feels like "you're so BRAVE for Singing While Trans" in addition to the regular ol' anxiogenesis of high expectations & benevolent otherization). Anyway she was happy to see me again even though she almost certainly couldn't remember my name, and I was happy to see her cuz she wasn't at the one kabbalat shabbat I've gone to so far and that was one of the several reasons I didn't quite feel Home yet at Shir Tikvah.

Quotes-and-flowers prints lady, Della, complimented me on my constellation umbrella and we commiserated about Hebrew cursive being cool but not a thing people in our circles (myself included) can read. THEN HER MOM POPPED UP, AND IS ONE OF MY TORAH CANTILLATION CLASSMATES??!?!? So Moon is the first person from the 2024 adult b'mitzvah cohort that I got the pleasure of meeting in person :^>. She's a lesbian who bonded w other lesbian parents in 1995 — I asked her if she knew [Jaz's parents], and she didn't which idk is actually cooler cuz that means there were enough partnered lesbians making children in the mid-90s that they DIDN'T all know each other!?! Anyway, Moon is cool, and I'm glad I am soooo so brave to Talk While Trans have a distinctive voice so that she recognized me ^_^.

While talking to Candida, the vendor with the super cool lemon earrings that I got Mercury for their birthday, I DID make direct eye contact with a person who used to call me their wife ("Ohhhhh and I just saw my ex" "Haha isn't that just the experience at queer markets like this"). Mercury and I sidled over, talking abt their mom while waiting for an opening where I could talk to Tova (they are very popular, even as queer Jewish non-profit workers go), and Mercury squeezed my hand and made clear through, like, bestie telekinesis and a couple words that they were there for me. I was a bit awkward on the intro bc I broke up w Tova pretty suddenly in uhhhhh I wanna say Nov 2020? and they ghosted last time I tried to catch up in early 2022, so I was like "hi!!(?) are we on the sort of terms where it's okay if I talk to you?" and they were very like "(why wouldn't it be????) Yeah!! Hello!!" and we chatted for a bit and I DID ask if they had moved which they HAVEN'T so I can STOP forlornly looking at their living room window every time I go grocery shopping and just be chill neighbors who used to try to build a life together. Their Nana said "She's special to you. Hold on to her, even though you're not together anymore." I was there when their sister got married. Their brother-in-law painted me in fake blood while he was shirtless. Their parents welcomed me into the family. I spooned with them under the big flaming tree of their family's cult. We played tabletop roleplaying games together. and figure out how much we want to be in each other's lives.

Anyway yeah so I am reminded yet again that people love me and even people who have a reason to be Rude are probably instead going to be Cordial, which I think is generalizable to people who are not me as well (you, reader). Also Jaz came up in sets 2, 3, AND 4 above, so it's pretty clear that [insert transparently obvious takeaway that nevertheless evades me at the moment].

Being in community is Good, Actually.

[x-daisy-x]

Hiii Daisy!! Milly’s telling me i might be attracted to woman.. can you tell me more abt that???

-Lia (ooc: can’t ask on side blogs T-T)

Oh hello Lia! Of course, I wouldn't mind trying to help! You can always come and ask me about anything especially stuff like this!

Well, for me it was easier to figure out I was a lesbian because I had two moms and I knew about queerness from a young age, and that girls could love girls and boys could like boys (stuff like that!). So I'm not really sure how it really is for other people with different familial situations, especially ones with homophobic parents.. it can be a lot to learn and unlearn but with patience and time, you can get there someday!

I think one of the most basic questions of this is: who do you see yourself ending up with in the future? A man? Woman? Person? No one? Does it matter? Does it change anything? Can you see yourself with multiple of these people in a lasting relationship? It's ok to just try to sit down and think about it and how you would feel about doing "couply" stuff - like kissing, cuddling, holding hands - but with the same gender, and then see how you feel about it.

It's also important to notice that sexuality is a spectrum! You may despise the idea of kissing anyone but one specific person, or you may like people romantically like a flickering switch; on an off. You may find people attractive, but may not want to date them. And etc, etc. If you find yourself having complicated feelings on this matter, I recommend research! I think I could link some quizzes or articles to you if you need them!

There's a lotttt more to it, and it isn't as simple; but that was the start for me and when I first questioned it and I thought it mightve served as a good start to you too!

Anyway, hope that helped, Lia!! You can always talk to me if you need it, and I wish you good luck on your journey! Even if you don't end up being queer, you may find out something else about yourself! It's really about self exploration and discovery and I hope you the best!

- Love, daisy 💙

[lichfucker]

Twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @bisexualshakespeare !! ty archer 🫀

guess I'll tag @jaynovz @asterofthevoid and @grasslandgirl

this is gonna get long so I am just putting it under a readmore from the jump lmao

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

ten if you include music. eight if you don't

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

103,601

3. What fandoms do you write for?

black sails, community, the fetch phillips archives, and ted lasso. I used to have a cr fic too but I orphaned it bc uhh fuck that noise. on my old account in high school I wrote for community, homestuck, dangan ronpa, and hp :/ but we don't talk abt that account lmao

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Sanguine - Ted Lasso, Trent/Ted, M - my vampire!trent au! g-d I still adore this fic in my bones. not surprised at all that it's my most popular by a wide margin; this is the biggest fandom I've written for, and I wrote it at the peak of the show's popularity. I'd like to believe it's worth the hype lmao

Five Girls Annie Almost Kissed and One She Did - Community, Annie/Annie Kim, T - canon-compliant lesbian!annie thesis. an exploration of annie's romantic life from adolescence through season three with a LOT of autobiographical projection lmao. I looked back at my own life and thought, "yeah, that happened to annie too" dflsdf this fic will always be precious to me

Crawl 'Til Dawn - Community, Annie/Britta, M - oh, look, another vampire au! well. this one came first. this is the oldest fic on my account-- I wrote the first seven chapters in the fall of 2016, posted them in early 2017, and then stalled out finishing it until fall of 2021. it's the fic that got me back into writing. the five-year gap is palpable, I think. I'd write it very differently now than I did then. there's something really charming in that, I think

Ner Tamid - Black Sails, Silver/Muldoon implied but it's mostly gen, M - I'm at the jewish!silver character study. I'm at the doldrums cannibalism fic. I'm at the combination jewish!silver character study doldrums cannibalism fic. I had An Episode the night before my mom's birthday, went into A State, and wrote this in one ten-hour sitting. I think it is perfect. wouldn't change a single word

Through His Stomach - Black Sails, FlintHam and SilverFlint and SilverFlintHam in a weird proxy way, E - my magnum fucking opus. dark fairytale hag au. we are two weeks out from this fic's first birthday. at this rate it'll be another four years before I finish it. I learned how to write smut for this fic. the pride I have in this fic is obscene. this is the quintessence of me

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes! I do! I respond to every single comment! because I like getting comments and I appreciate the people who take the time to leave comments and I want to show them my appreciation by thanking them for their comments! and also because I can't shut up and I will take any excuse to talk about my own work! if you mention one thing offhandedly in a comment I am replying with an entire paragraph about that thing

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ooh, this is a tricky one. the obvious answer is Cold, Dark, Depraved, but that one's SO angsty all the way through that the ending is rather... cold and dispassionate by comparison. the other answer is Ner Tamid but I suppose that depends on your definition of angst. there's an air of resoluteness to the ending; it isn't particularly fraught, it's just horrific

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

hmm. Sanguine, Five Girls, and Crawl 'Til Dawn all end with a getting-together (well, in CTD it happens a bit before the ending, but still). Five Girls has the element of self-acceptance and the confidence to live the rest of your life open and free and unburdened, but Crawl 'Til Dawn has the element of murdering your evil ex and then riding off into the sunset. guess it depends on which makes you happier lmao

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no? I write niche enough stuff that nobody's gonna read it if they're not into it

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

as of this year I do! I've been writing fic for over half my life at this point and I was so certain for so long that I would never be comfortable writing smut. and then I came to a scene in hagfic that I knew would hit so much harder if the characters were having sex. so I resigned myself to my fate and I fought through the embarrassment and now look at me. I'm a certified pervert

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no and I don't like reading them, either

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

one of the homestuck fics I wrote in high school got translated into russian but, again, we don't talk about that account

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

how the fuck am I supposed to answer this. how can I possibly choose. obviously the answer is jeff/britta but how do you expect me to pick

15. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I am still holding onto the belief that someday I will write To Cross Running Water, my sprawling black sails canon retelling where everything is the same except flint is a vampire. I refuse to let myself think I will die not having written it.

the actual answer is Say It Out Loud, my other trent/ted vampire au where ted is the vampire this time. I started writing it at the same time I started Sanguine-- literally the exact same moment. I had two word documents open in split screen. then I went all-in on Sanguine for a month (still insane to me that I finished it in a month) and I swore Say It Out Loud was gonna be shorter and faster and sillier, but then. I moved so slowly. and it got bigger and bigger. I got 30k into it-- thirty thousand words into it-- before season three came out. then s3 aired and it was so bad it killed all my enthusiasm for the show, and I really do not know if I'll ever bring myself to finish the fic now. I think it would have ended up being another 15k or so. I'd like to hold out hope that I'll go back to it but the hope diminishes every day

16. What are your writing strengths?

MOOD. mood. tone and mood. florid description. the rhythmic flow of the language-- cadence and meter are so ingrained in my mind; if it SOUNDS wrong, it IS wrong. I have a strong command of language and I can set a lush and vivid scene. and I need to do very little editing. it just springs out from my brain fully-formed like athena from the skull of zeus

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

plot. concision. speed

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

it's neat when other people do it but I don't know any other languages and I'm not gonna embarrass myself by relying on google translate or w/e

19. First fandom you wrote for?

hp unfortunately 😔

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

hagfic. Through His Stomach. it's not even a question. like. are you joking. it's hagfic. except for when it's Ner Tamid

[grntaire]

gender? i hardly know her!!!

(ranting abt my gender and sexuality. prob more personal than i should put on the internet but i am feeling Raw)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i literally do not know. who i am lmao. i identified as cis (afab) and bi from the age of like, 13 i think? and that didn't change until i was 22 or so and i was like... she/they?? maybe?? which turned into they/she which turned into they/them which led me to nonbinary and pansexual which is where i've been chilling. but i don't even know if that feels right. like yes i am a girl but no i'm not a woman (i'm 25 so like, that Should Be a descriptor that i feel comfortable with. but it's not?) but im also not a girl either. my gender is more akin to like, the embodiment of chaos, lmao. i am everything and nothing all at the same time.

(i'm gonna use very much binary language here–i've personally only ever been with cis men or cis women, so when i use the binary language i'm specifically referring to it in terms of my experience) my sexuality is even more confusing to me now which is crazy?? my first crush was on a boy, and i had crushes on boys and girls through middle school and high school. i had a crush on my best friend in middle school and she was my first kiss. it felt like magic and i loved every second of kissing her. i ended up breaking up with her after a month or so and i still to this day don't know why. i think i was feeling like, constricted in it. drowning in the attention. also i was 13 and was living on a diet of nothing but nutella and pretzels so who the fuck knows lmao.

but as a teenager it oddly seemed so much more clear to me? my attraction to ppl was different and based off of their gender. like for me, my attraction towards girls was very emotionally based and the more i got to know them the more i wanted to be physical with them, too. with boys it was kind of the opposite, in a way, but not always. i didn't date any girls in high school–i had a big ol crush on one in particular but that was my Oh, She's Straight moment. i dated two boys. the first was a super nice dude who i hope is doing well. i broke up with him after 7 months or so i think? i was straight up convinced i was a lesbian. and then i dated a boy like two months later. i was OBSESSED with this dude. like, hormones gone wild, really just wanted to destroy this mf. he broke up w me after a month out of the blue, and i was devastated for a minute. in college i dated a dude for 2.5 years. he sucks.

my current partner is a man, we've been together for about 2 years. he is the kindest person i know. and yet i still constantly find myself second guessing everything. which, granted, i've always done. when i've been with women i second guess everything too. i think they're intrusive thoughts, and they'll look like "do you even like men/women?" a lot of it, too is that i don't think i've had the feelings of A Crush since i was a teenager, truthfully. i mean w my partner now, i'd get excited when his name would pop up on my phone, but there was no like, pining or whatever. loving him has always been easy and we got together easy.

so where i sit now is that i love my partner. but do i want an open relationship? am i poly? what if i like, actually am a lesbian and it's been comphet this whole time? but i have felt like, absolutely feral abt men before. but then i'll be like, fuck, what if the whole time i've been straight? but is that just from the desire to feel wanted? from the societal pressure to feel wanted by a man? that the act of being wanted by a man is proof that i am attractive enough and worthy? or am i second guessing these things bc my partner isn't what i need in a partner, regardless of gender. do i need someone more extroverted, who matches my energy more? can i bear the weight of being the outgoing one? and how do i cope with the fact that by choosing a partner i'm loosing connections that i could be forging with other people? but even if i'm poly, what does that mean for me? for my partner?

i am Overthinking so much. all of the time. and how much of it is intrusive thought and how much of it is... not, is incredibly hard to discern. i feel deeply tied to my queerness but i don't even know what my queerness is.

ik this is very oversharing but if u read this i appreciate u. u gay people in my phone make me feel less alone sometimes, mwah.

[cruelsister-moved2]

something I want to thank you for is when some months ago you posted something like we don't need to analyze our lack of attraction towards men and this ask was prompted by your recent post as well. Last year emotionally was the worst for me, I was really depressed. All because I was so hang up on trying to figure out if I liked men, I had always this "what if" in my mind. So I had a coworker who asked me out and I said yes, we exchanged numbers and everything. But then the realization that the point of this was to have like frequent conversation going on and then maybe it could lead to being physical sent me into a spiral, literally lost my appetite trouble sleeping crying randomly etc kinda extreme reaction. I sent him a message saying we won't meet anymore. I always had this reaction starting in high school whenever a guy showed interest on me, hypothetical scenario of being in a relationship with a man made me feel sick. But I always excused those feelings with "maybe he's not the right person, I will meet a guy I'm comfortably with". But anyways, all of that has been dealt with. It was so eye opening that I don't need to understand my lack of attraction to men and just focus on what makes me happy and that is not being with men. The other side of this is feeling I wasn't a lesbian because I felt nothing seeing feminine women. But when I saw a butch or masc women I knew I was like instant "heart eyes"!!. So that's the feeling I'm going to hold on to now. <3<3<3

oh wow thank u anon this breaks my heart to know u went through smth like this but i'm also so happy you're in a better place now! it's so frustrating bc dating men is really just the default setting for women and ppl dont know how to question that... it's also so true when ur not really into fem women it becomes harder bc you feel like it has to be comparative & so even if ur aware that dating men isn't right for u, u feel like u Have to because you don't find anything else more attractive. literally like dating men is a PE class and u need a note from the lesbian council to get out of it....

That's one reason why im so keen to insist that regardless of sexuality, you think abt dating men in its own right & decide if you actually want that. There are so many people for whom discovering their attraction to women is a significant years-long process, and most of them spend that time in unnecessary confusion and distress bc they're also trying to hyper-analyse their discomfort towards men at the same time. But also honestly I think there are fully heterosexual women who are also just dating men.. for the sake of it and getting no joy from it & potentially getting a lot of pain too. I almost feel worst for those ppl, bc the way out for a lot of us is we start dating women and realise from how different it is that dating men wasn't right for us. but every time a straight woman is like "I wish I was a lesbian" they usually mean "I wish I was Allowed to not date men".

it also comes down to the essentialisation of labels, so we feel like you intrinsically Are something on the inside and that messes with how we look at attraction, esp as women. it's actually so much less complicated when you just think about what you want from life, and if your experiences end up fitting into a pattern you can apply a label to it. like i think there's also a lot of bi women, and a lot of women who constantly torture themselves and flip btwn the labels lesbian and bi, because they KNOW with certainty that they like women, but they can't figure out if their tangle of messy, traumatised, ingrained feelings towards men constitute Desire or not & it breaks my heart because................ it literally doesn't matter. you are literally free to do whatever you want. it does not matter what exactly u feel towards men, let alone WHY, it just matters what u want to do n who u want to be with.