#oh gosh I'm so messed up I never realized how broken I am

[dragonheartetk]

There’s always those things that I hear or see about romance, those little things I’ve heard a thousand times. Normally they just kinda bounce off, or leave the tiniest scratch, barely noticed. I’ve been dealing with amatonormativity my whole life. I’m used to that little undercurrent of society that says you’re missing out and you’re broken and you’ll never be worth as much as a romantic partner. That loud, constant cacophony that is so familiar that it seems to just be a whisper. I’m used to it. But then, every once in a while, it hits home. Said at a bad time or maybe the words are just a little too spot-on, or maybe this time they come from a friend.

“… you’re the one who I want to spend my life with, who I love more than anyone else.”

I freeze with my mouth open, she notices. “I’m sorry, I interrupted you, your train of thought.” She says, thinking that I merely was going a different direction in this conversation about the concept of romance and the difference between polyamory and monogamy. The conversation stalls. She knows something is amiss, but she doesn’t realize yet, she doesn’t know. That emotionally every muscle in me is tensed to accommodate the blow, trying to make it not sink in, not let it hurt. My head feels a little cold, like a minor version of when I try to speak in front of crowds. Somewhere deep inside that ache that I try to hard to ignore throbs.

I finish parking the car, movements still stiff. She must realize that it is something bigger than her initial presumption, I assume. I’m trying hard to arrange my thoughts, to express why this hurts without insulting this concept which is so dear to her. Finally, the words stumble out, “That’s what I hate about romance.” Not what I meant to say. Exactly what I meant. Not how I meant it to feel. I always want to soften it, but I can’t this time, the words are coming, as she protests (Or is that in a moment? I can’t quite remember what words were spoken when.).

Her protest, she understands now, at least in part, “That’s not what I meant. Who I love more tha- No, that’s not fair to you, you’ve been through that.”

I continue on, before or after she starts, I don’t remember, “I hate that concept of, ‘You, more than anything else. Above everyone else.”

She tries again, “Who I love enough to be intimate with, is that better?” (Was that before or after I spoke again?)

“Romance superior to friendships.” 

I’ve send my part. I’ve said it, straight up, for the first time, aloud. I forget what she said after, what I said after. There was something, and it was important. Clearly, it was important. She understood, and she did not mean what she originally said. The conversation continued. But I don’t remember exactly how. And I don’t quite remember her words during it, either. These are my best renditions of the impressions and snippets that come clearly. The order is probably wrong, as are the particular sentences. 

For once, I remember my own words better than those of my friend. Because these words have rattled around my brain, my rib-cage so long and so hard, left unspoken, or spoken just a little. Just a taste of it, but watered down to avoid hurting people. And finally I just said them. I named what was wrong with the whole attitude towards romance. Out loud. To another person. To an alloromantic. 

Oh, but the best part? The best part my friends, is she understood. What’s more, she agreed. As much as I have feared saying these words uncensored, she did not feel hurt, she did not consider me harsh. She saw my pain, she saw her mistake, and she had never intended it to begin with. I felt... an equal. How strange that I normally do not feel that, and how terrifying. But, how marvelous to feel as one now. Finally. Perhaps I shall not have to live with this all my life. Perhaps someday I shall be able to speak out my feelings in the light as I did today, but without fear, and not only to a trusted friend.

Maybe someday I’ll feel allowed to consider myself the equal of a romantic partner. And maybe someday I’ll be allowed to consider my best friends the equals of romantic partners. In the daylight, and not just in my mind and online.

[pure-kirarin]

Slow & Steady [P2] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)

Genre : Romance - Smut - Bestfriends to lovers General warnings : Alcohol consumption - Dark themes - Swearing - S m u t - possessiveness - Mention of ex-relationships - jealousy

A/N : This is really different from my usual writing style but I am experimenting. Please tell me your thoughts and don’t hesitate to ask to be added to the tag list :) AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/31877203?view_full_work=true

In the last chapter --  «-Enough playing now, you're going to sleep. -B-but ! This wasn't what I asked for....You're really a coward after all...You virgin... » He carried you to his room, putting you on the bed and sitting next to you. «-I'd love to prove you wrong. However, it would be better if you were in a state where you'd be able to recall how good I am. If you want me to fuck you this badly then maybe ask me when you're sober.

Part I - Part II

Part II  -Yeah yeah...Pff..You're no fun Sabo. Things were finally getting interesting ! »

He smiled seeing that you were now calmer. You started to yawn and bury your face in his pillow. He loved to see you getting so comfortable in his room. He really needed a cold shower after your little show.  -Goodnight (Y/N). I'll sleep on the couch. You can get comfortable. -Are you crazyy ? You gonna leave me alone like this ? Let's sleep together~ -Come on (Y/N), you're a big girl. You could sleep alone for one night, would you ? Translation : I don't want to spend the whole night with a semi. And you're dangerously flirty, and I have wanted you for years and now I have to abstain.

-Pleaaaase. You said looking at him with puppy eyes. He rolled his eyes placing a hand in his hair. God.damn.it.

You won again. Like every time. * * *  You opened your eyes hardly next day, feeling something hard against your thigh. You looked at the ceiling

Oh...I am not in my room...Where the fuck am I ?

you turn around only to discover the embodiment of Adonis to your side. A light beam was lighting up Sabo's face. He looked like an angel as his beauty couldn't be that of a human.

Was he always this handsome ?

You didn't know, in fact, you have never had the occasion to wake up in his bed. Wait, in his bed ? This realization came slowly as your head was still foggy from yesterday's consumption.

You looked down, the thing that was pressing against your leg was indeed :

his thing.

You frowned, blushed, pulled away, put a hand on your lips repressing an internal scream, all of this in around three seconds. You then tried to calm down, telling yourself that it was very normal for a man to experience this kind of morning unconviniences, and that Sabo was a man, after all. Even if  you have always seen him as a bestfriend, he was still a man that is capable of physical attraction.

Now that this internal monologue was done with, you felt a bit calmer, but that didn't answer your question. You got out of bed, trying to recall what happened after going in the bar. And it came back. All of it. Without any mercy for your feelings.

You wanted the ground to swallow you whole. Your only wish was to disappear which meant : calling Nami. You headed out of the house, not even having the courage to face your bestfriend.

« Namiiiii -Uh ? What's the matter ? -I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. -Oh yeah ? Tell me about it. -Wait, why do you seem excited ? -O-oh I'm not excited. Come on tell me. What else could you have possibly done ? -I asked Sabo to fuck me. -Wait what ? You could hear Vivi ask Nami about what happened and her answering « She asked Sabo to fuck her ». -Nami ! Don't go on telling everyone about this. I'm on my way. -For starters, Vivi isn't « everyone », she's my girlfriend. And I'm here waiting for you to tell me what happened. -Wait, I'll come at your place. This can't be discussed over the phone. »

You hung up on her. Ten minutes later, you were at her place. Extremely confused. Nami was painting her nails bright red on the bed while Vivi was sitting comfortably on a chair. You let your whole body weight fall on a lounge pug, tourmented.  «-So tell me how you and Sabo ended up fucking. She emphasized the last word in a way that made you almost choke on air.  -We didn't actually. Nami and Vivi both sighed in a synchronized « Ah » of disappointment. -So hmm...I don't remember clearly. I was really drunk-- well that you're aware of and...And Sabo didn't want to leave me alone so we went to his place. Ace was at Thatch's so we were alone. We hugged and he comforted me. Then I started teasing him, and I don't know what I was thinking, but I kissed him, and then I asked him to fuck me. -Wow that escalated quickly. Said Nami as she continued painting her nails.

-Well, I was heartbroken, I needed something, someone, and he was there, and you know Sabo, he's a good guy ! I don't know what's worse, the fact that I asked him to fuck me or the fact that he said no.

-Oh god I'm so so sorry

- Nami please don't make things worse for me.

-No offense, but you're so dense. Sabo has always been into you. Do you want him, or do you not ? I know that going right into a relationship after a breakup is a bad idea. But honestly it's worth giving it a shot. He's a really good guy. Try dating someone nice for once.

-I don't know, he has something unsettling about him. Like « almost too good to be true » you know ? Added Vivi.

-Ohhh~ I see. Honestly, I always thought that he was a bit prude and hella vanilla. I mean, yes, he's my best friend. But he has never talked about girls to me or about sexual stuff. So I just assumed that. I never thought that he'd be packin' like that. You said as you popped a lollipop in your mouth.

-Ah ? Was it really that impressive ? asked Nami, genuinely curious.

-Yeah. On a scale from 0 to doflamingo he's a solid eight point seventy five. (*)

-Oh gosh. I understand why you're so worked up now.

-That's really...precise. Added Vivi, a bit horrified.

(*) [ The dear reader might need this clarification ; Doflamingo was Law's uncle, he sometimes came to pick him up after uni with his luxurious lamborghini. He wore extremely tight pants that left little to the imagination. And he was most known among your clique for having a nine incher. It was a running joke wether to know if Law got his uncle's genes. Needless to say that this joke wasn't to Law's taste. Now back to our adorable Y/N. ]

-So. I really don't know what to do. I am still heartbroken. -And horny. Added the ginger. -Yeah, that too. I'm afraid of ruining our friendship. -Listen dear, said Nami as she was closing the nail polish bottle, if you're not going for it, someone else would. And trust me, that girl Koala is upping her game. She's going to steal him right in front of your eyes, just like this - and she snapped her fingers. -Oh, and then, you can forget about being « best friends ». Said Vivi adding fuel to the fire. -Yeah, once he's gonna start dating, he won't have too much time for you-- and then, that Koala girl, my god, she seems extremely possessive ! -No way, your voice was detached, trying to act is if you weren't worried, Sabo has never dated any girl before.- -Yes but he seems to get along with that girl. And to be honest, she's kinda cute.

-Nami ! Vivi pinched her forearm playfully, pretending to be jealous.

-That hurt ! And don't be jealous, you know that you're my only one~

-Hmm...I prefer that. Vivi laughed. You started caughing reclaiming for their attention.

-Attention please ! We're discussing my dick-appointment here.

-Jesus you're really annoying, (Y/N), just go for it already.

-How much did he pay you to tell me this huh ?

-What ? He didn't pay me ! You're just always getting your heart broken. I'm just trying to be a good friend.

-Say that you are trying to get rid of her~ Jokes Vivi.

-Vivi, don't expose me like this- Nami plays along while laughing.

-I hate you girls ! You say as you throw a pillow on Nami. The ginger starts complaining that you messed her Nail polish, and the whole scene metamorphosed into a pillow fight.

* * *

You spent the whole day with the girls, chit-chatting about boys and girls and playing stupid games. You felt way more comfortable now, less ashamed. However, you were surprised because you didn't get a message from your bestfriend. You wondered wether he was mad at you, it wasn't in his habits.

You decided to message Ace [click for conversation] [ (Y/N) : Heyy amigo is Sabo ok ? Did he tell u smth abt yesterday ? Ace : Ouch, your hurting my feelings, </3 Only talking to me to ask about my brother~ Yea hes okay why tho ? (Y/N) : Ooo kay. He's home ? Ace : He is. Why don't u directly text him ? (Y/N) : Don't tell him I asked. Btw I didn't forget about those 10 bucks you « borrowed » from me. Give it back.] He didn't answer. You sighed and decided to go see Sabo to settle things down. It was the first time that you were embarrassed to see your best friend. You dressed up in a black skirt and t shirt. You didn't usually pay attention to your looks when you went to hang out at Sabo's, but you were really stressed out and what the girls have said about Koala made you scared of losing him. After all, you had some abandonment issues. You had to settle this down once and forever. You arrived at the guy's place, it was an apartment not so far from your own student flat. You knocked on the door and Ace opened : -Ohhh, (Y/N), he whistles, lookin' like a girl today huh ? -What are you implying you dumbass ? Where's Sabo ? -He's in his room with Koala.- -Wait what ? Koala ? What is she doing here ? Ace raised an eyebrow then said amused ; -I don't know, go ask him yourself. -You're useless as usual. -Always so sweet. You on your period or something ? -I didn't forget about my twenty bucks by the way. -I said I'm goin' to pay you back alright ? Now go talk to Sabo. You and Ace were always teasing each other in a brotherly way, but in reality, he really cared for you, it was just your usual way of communication. But it was true that knowing that Koala was in Sabo's room put you in a bad mood. You knocked on the door with a knot in your stomach. Did they start dating ? Was Sabo interested in her ? These ideas were torturing you. But why did you care anyways ? It was none of your business. He could date whoever he wants. You opened the door but there was only Sabo relaxing on his bed, still fully clothed. « - Sabo ?-Oh, (Y/N), what brings you here ? -Why ? Do I need a reason to see my best friend ? He sits on bed looking at you. He doesn't fail to notice your cute outfit, it was different from your usual sweatpants and hoodies, the way it complemented your figure was almost too much for him. Just that sight was driving him insane, but his face didn't betray his emotions, like always, he acted friendly, not an ounce of lust in his dark ebony eyes. You took place next to him. He smelled good, you thought. The same fresh minty smell as last time. Did he always smell this good ? -(Y/N) ?Huh ? Is everything okay ? His voice seemed concerned.He cared for you. And you had those stupid immature and posessive thoughts. Get a grip of yourself, (Y/N), you thought. -Oh yea-- wasn't Koala here ? Ace told me you were with her.

You tried so hard to act like you didn't care, but he knew you like the back of his hand. But still, he played along. -Hmm..Yes. She just left. I was going out as well. He says with a sweet smile, looking at his watch. You couldn't help but make a disappointed face. -But Sabo I wanted to - I'm really sorry (Y/N), let's talk later. He ruffles your hair and you close your eyes as he does so. You felt stressed out. What happened exactly ? You felt intimidated in his presence for the first time. You wanted him to stay and talk this out. It was a bit awkward for you now. You never thought too much. As he was going out of the room you held the fabric of his coat tight in your hand ; -Sabo- -Hum ? Need me to drop you somewhere ? -N-no. You let his sleeve go, realizing what you have just done, I'll stay a bit then go back home. Don't worry about me. -Alright then. See you later ? -Yeah. See ya. ]

You looked at Sabo go away and you followed him shortly after. Meanwhile Ace was sitting on the couch and watching some movies. You went back home and was quite tormented. It wasn't the right time to worry as you had your assignments and studies to deal with. On one hand, you didn't even have the time to think of your ex boyfriend and his cheating but on the other, you felt like you were let down by Sabo. But why ? He didn't do anything. He just found himself a new friend and a potential new girlfriend.

He didn't even talk about her, but why where you so upset by him meeting her ? After all, he had the right to date just like you always did.

A few days have passed and you didn't get the chance to talk to Sabo. Your exams were getting closer and closer and you didn't feel ready.

Usually, Sabo would help you with your assignments but you were too scared to ask. You realized how much you relied on him and how he has been always there for you.

Who were you exactly to him ?

Maybe you took him for granted.

As you were on your bed looking at the ceiling and trying to collect every drop of motivation in your system to study, you heard your phone ring. It was Sabo's ringtone ! ----- Tag list : @vemuabhi @chloe-abbacchio @mwls-garden @soanywaysistartedsimping If you wanna get tagged just ask for it :)

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Sixth Letter

----------------

To: Lee Jihoon

From: Y/N

I'm sorry.

Jihoon, I will not blame you for anything. If I were in your shoes, I would have been even more irritated than you were. I'm still irritated, actually.

I know for certain that you probably hate me so I will begin this letter for you by reminding us of our good times when no one was there to butt in.

When we first met in tech audio, I was really surprised that you were a musical genius. You knew how to work the garage band app right away and since we sat next to each other, I could already tell that you were familiar with it.

You were also able to play the guitar and the piano. I've always liked music so seeing someone play those two instruments just fascinated me. Not only that, but you also played the clarinet well.

You've probably lived around music all your life, right? I listen to music almost everywhere I go, every day, it's one of my human needs, but I have to admit, even after learning a bit of piano from you, I still have almost no idea about music. Genres of music are still hard to identify for me and I can still barely tell the difference in chords. I'm still thankful that you took the time out of your worktime to help me understand more about music.

Honestly, when I first saw you, Jihoon, I was intimidated. You didn't like exactly friendly and I just stupidly thought that you were one of those ‘perfectionist’ students who only cared for their grades and being the best. Also, just the way you looked when you didn't smile gave me that impression. However, when you smiled, you looked completely different. You looked cute. We laughed a lot together too.

I bet you that on our first assignment, I must've looked like a complete tech idiot. The assignment was just to come up with your original piece of music by messing around on the app. Was my confusion that easy to see through?

I don't know, but I think the moment that you helped me was when I started to realize you as the person you are now. You taught me how to use the app in such a gentle tone, you know that? I still feel like I can listen to your voice forever and I won't get bored of it.

I was happy with our forming friendship. I felt like I could truly be your friend. Plus, we had one other class together so I was able to talk with you a lot about music. Everything you say fascinates me and makes me believe that you are a musical genius. I still believe that you are even if I can't hear your songs anymore.

Speaking of your music, I think you should become a ‘pro’ music producer, lyricist, composer, songwriter, of them all. Your talent in music is truly undeniable!

That first piece you showed me called “17”, I have to say that that song may be my favorite out of all the songs you've sent me. I still have all the music files stored in my phone and I'll never delete them. It's not because I still like you that I'm keeping them but it's because I like the song. I might put them into an mp3 player and stick them on the back of this letter. Out of the 13 songs you've shown me, there was not one that I disliked.

Your voice is also heavenly. I love it. I don't understand why you aren't getting yourself a whole career already! You don't know this but when I was playing your song “Rock”, my father was totally digging it! Even my next-door neighbor wanted to know who was the artist behind “20”!

There was also that time when you were helping me learn how to read music using the piano and our hands kept brushing against each other. Our shoulders were also glued together because the seat was so small. If your heart was racing just as much as how pink your ears turned, then please, believe me, my heart was beating twice as fast.

You didn't just teach me music and show me your creations, you also shared music that you enjoyed. A lot of the songs are still in my playlist. You have great taste in music too, Jihoon. I enjoyed every moment we spent just sitting at the window of the classroom, sharing headphones and listening to the songs you liked.

When they were love songs, I just couldn't help thinking that you chose the song for a reason. I'm quite an overthinker. I always thought that maybe one of the songs you showed me held your heart and maybe they did, but now I'll never know.

I'm your fan, Jihoon, even though you probably wouldn't want me to be anymore. I still admire you and I respect you a lot, that's why I'm deciding to write you this letter. I'm not going to get too close to you, I won't even try to bring us back to what we were because now, it's too awkward between us. I know that deep inside, you must feel so a deep hatred toward me, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.

I've realized what kind of person you are, Jihoon. You're kind, caring, talented in almost everything, shy, and stubborn. You love music. You hate it when someone who isn't close to you gets all up in your business as if they know everything. You also hate narcissists. You're selfless and humble.

I don't know who you told but I'm sorry. Your trust must have been completely broken. I mean, I can just imagine how painful it would be, being an introvert and telling someone your crush while trusting them to keep the secret only to have them spill it to the person's friends.

I hate my friends because they ruined our relationship but since they are my friends, I just can't abandon them as if we didn't spend years being best buddies. I've been distancing myself from them for a while now but I think it won't be long until we continue hanging out again. I want to hang out with you too but you must feel so... angry.

I heard that you're not friends with the guy who leaked the secret that you liked me. I truly hope that you can find a friend that is a true friend. I don't want you to live in fear and keep everything to yourself. I'll always be here for you though, so please, even if I don't speak with you, you can speak to me.

Gosh, what am I saying? It can't be fixed.

You must've overheard it when my friends dragged me away from your cafeteria table and whispered to me, “Did you know? He likes you!”

I was flustered and when I turned back to you, I still remember seeing your hands clench. That's when I sort of knew that we wouldn't be friends anymore.

Even after having your trust broken, you continued to hang out around me, which made me believe that if I confessed my feelings to you when the time was right, we could fall in love. So, I spent a lot of time learning about you.

That's when my friends came in again. They started teasing us in front of the whole class, saying all that stupid cheesy shit. I was ready angry and kept telling them to stop but they wouldn't because they just thought I was like them.

‘When you're in high school, you don't want the person in the relationship, you just want a relationship.’

That was not the case for me but that's what they thought. I wanted you, Jihoon. I was ready to teach you about me and get to know you better so that when I was ready to love, we would be able to stay together.

My friends are stupid.

They continued to pressure us to be together.

Knowing you, you must've gotten extremely annoyed and fed up with it, enough for you to end your friendship with me. And that's exactly what happened, right?

Each day, for a month, they came to our desks singing stupid love songs meant for children. They were so childish and I was growing so sick of it. I knew that you didn't like that shit. I knew that you were just enduring it but I couldn't stop it and I'm sorry.

We went through all that humiliation together. I think we could have had a better love story if your friend didn't leak your secret and my friends didn't act like children. I saw sparks in your eyes, that's why I had hope that we could fall in love together, but we couldn't even get ready to love.

I just remember that day when you ignored me. I was telling you that your piece sounded good and asked if I could get a listen, but you didn't reply to me at all. You still don't talk to me. It makes my heart ache.

When our friendship got ruined, I almost ruined my other friendships too. You don't know this but they kept pestering me, asking if you and I were finally dating and if we had a couple fight. They kept reassuring me as if they knew what we were going through and saying that it was just a small love fight and that we would recover soon. They didn't even know the problem was them so I yelled at them.

In the middle of the cafeteria, I slammed my hands on the table and shouted at them. I'm sure you heard me, you were in the same room. I'm pretty sure that you didn't know about this either but when I left the cafeteria in anger, I cried in the stall of a bathroom.

Now, I'm fine.

I wonder what you thought of me then. I mean, we still had to see each other but we didn't talk to each other like we were strangers. I was angry at you for not understanding me so I didn't want to speak or even glance in your direction, even if it did hurt to ignore you.

I think I know what you feel but all I'm thinking about your emotions are just assumptions in the end. You're a stranger to me now. A stranger that I loved.

You brought me the colors of music.

If only things didn't have to turn out so negatively. If only one friend kept his promise of keeping a secret... If only a group of friends didn't tease so annoyingly... Maybe then, things would be different.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry about this too. I overheard you playing a song the other day. Don't worry, I didn't record it but I cried to it. I just have a feeling that the song was about me. All the lyrics, the depressing but gorgeous sound of the piano, your emotional voice, it all brought tears to my eyes. Were you in pain?

I had never heard the song before. When I cried to it, I had my hands covering my mouth to keep noise from slipping. I don't know if you heard me because you just continued singing.

“Maybe I could have been a man

when everyone was telling me to.

But both choices were selfish,

keep you close or let me go,

so I chose

let's just not fall in love.”

I think your choice was for the better.

Sincerely,

Y/N

------------------

© serenityseventeen

6/21/21 - 11:01 am

a/n: sigh... I feel like this letter was so relatable on so many levels. My former friends were like that, always wanting a relationship but not the person in the relationship. They're too desperate. + ARTHUR KYEOM COMEBACK!??!? SVT CHINESE DRAMA OST!?!?

[onyxiana-is-obsessed]

Ello! I dont know where to request since i'm stupid but i usually use this place to request! I saw those two 1A scenarios/drabbles and since i loved them, can you please make another 1a (with the characters Bakugou/Tokoyami/Mina/Todoroki and Aizawa plus Monoma) scenario/drabble with fem!reader where Monoma keeps pranking her and one time it got to reader and almost killed him, but BTMTA (the characters) stop her and calmed her down and Monoma got scolded! ❤️❤️ Love your writing btw 😌

Hiya lovely! You’re not stupid, this is exactly where you send requests! I’m glad you liked them and I really hope you liked this one! Ugh, I love a sassy reader at times xD Thank you so much!! Btw, I aged them up here, so they’re all 3rd years because Baku needs work before he’d ever be this friendly lmao.

Length: 1.9k words

Warnings: Mild swearing

Your Name: (y/f/n)

Quirk: (y/q) - preferably one that increases strength and speed.

Age: 17

“Good morning, (n/n),” Tokoyami greeted as (f/n) walked towards him with a bright smile.

“Morning, Fumi! Sleep well?” She inquired, making him nod. She walked around to her desk and pulled her chair out.

“I did, yourself?”

“Eh, could’ve been better. You know-” As she went to sit, the legs of the chair broke, making her squeal as she fell flat on her butt. The loud racket garnered more attention as worried classmates ran to her, including Bakugou and Mina.

“(f/n)!” Todoroki and Tokoyami yelled as they ran to her, making (f/n) groan as they helped her stand.

“What happened?!” Mina exclaimed, her hands landing on (f/n)’s shoulder.

“Th-the legs broke,” (f/n) explained, rubbing her back, “h-how? I thought these were brand new chairs…”

“What happened?” Aizawa’s voice came through as he walked into the classroom and saw the broken chair with a few students gathered around (f/n).

“(f/n) went to go sit, but the chair broke!” Mina explained, turning to her teacher who was now approaching them. His tired eyes gazed at the chair for a moment before he sighed.

“Class B should have extras. They’re next door, go get one.” (f/n) nodded and quickly left her class to get another chair. When she walked into their classroom, she had to embarrassingly explain that she needed to borrow an extra chair due to hers breaking. She did NOT miss Monoma’s pathetic attempt to cover up his laughter.

“Oh, you’re breaking chairs now? What a surprise, class A has no regard for our school’s reputation or supplies.” He muttered as she walked past him.

“Shove it,” (f/n) glared as she quickly grabbed her chair and left the classroom, returning to her own.

Turns out, Monoma had been responsible for her chair breaking. But that’s not where his stupid pranks ended. For example, her project went missing and she had to completely redo an entire week’s worth of work. He changed the locks on her dorm room so she couldn’t get in until Bakugou broke her door down. Let’s not forget the camp incident (heh), he was also the reason all her white clothes turned blue in the wash making her buy a new shirt for her uniform, and he also sent mean texts from HER PHONE to Bakugou, Mina, Todoroki, and Tokoyami. She had a difficult time explaining those texts weren’t her.

Now, it was starting to get too much. There was no way (f/n) could prove what happened was exactly Monoma’s fault. She never caught him in the act nor did he ever outright admit to pulling those pranks. He’d always make sly comments like towards her situation, but those weren’t enough. She had zero proof.

However, (f/n) was 100% sure that Monoma was behind all of these dumbass pranks and she was starting to get furious. However… that could wait because…

“OI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!” (f/n) immediately screamed and covered her eyes as she turned away. She was positive this was the girl’s bathroom.

“S-Suki! I-I’m sorry!” (f/n) ran outside, pulling the door shut behind her. Her eyes flew to the sign next to the bathroom and widened. Girl’s bathroom? She backed up, looking around the hall and realized the girl’s bathroom was on the other side. Someone switched the signs?

She frowned and rubbed her eyes. She had been training with Todoroki and Mina all day, so she was a bit tired. She hadn’t even noticed she was on the wrong side of the building. Monoma came all the way to their DORMS to mess with her? Well… it wasn’t the first time. Her frown quickly melted into a look of anger.

“Monoma, I’m gonna kick your ass. Prank me one more time…” She muttered to no one in particular.

~**~

“Hey, (n/n)!” Mina chirped, slinging her arm around (f/n)’s shoulder. (f/n) smiled at her and gave her a side hug.

“Hello, Mina! Sleep well, I take it?”

“Maaaybe! Hey! Wanna go out for dinner tonight? Fumi and Sho are coming too! Not so sure about Suki.”

“Sure! Sounds fun, I’ll talk to Suki and see what he says.”

“Gosh, I’m jealous of that little soft spot he has for you.” Mina pouted. “But then again! A cutie like you probably gets all the dudes, huh?” (f/n) laughed and moved away from Mina, who’d started tickling her sides.

“You’d be surprised. By the way, you’re early today.”

“Yeah, Kiri woke me up early this morning. So, I decided to get ready instead of laying in bed.” (f/n) squinted at her.

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” She teased, making Mina giggle and place her hands on her hips.

“I am Pinky! Or wait, no! Alien Queen! Bow before me mortal!” (f/n) giggled and gave her a little curtsey.

“Hello, your highness. Welcome to the halls of UA! Oh! May I introduce you to sir Peppermint?” Mina turned around and saw Todoroki approaching them with an amused look.

“Hello, your majesty. I am sir Peppermint, a pleasure to meet you.”

“Hello! Sir Peppermint! Oh! Who’s that?” Mina feigned innocence and pointed behind (f/n). The (h/c) haired girl turned around and saw Tokoyami and Bakugou approaching them.

“Oh! That’s sir Tsukuyomi and Knight Kacchan.” Bakugou’s eyes almost popped out of his head.

“The hell did you call me?!”

“Ooh! Hello, Knight Kacchan!” Mina greeted making him groan. As much as Bakugou liked to pretend he hated that nickname, deep down… he didn’t. Especially when it came from his… friends.

“What are you idiots doing?” He asked, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Well Mina here is Alien royalty and thus, must be treated as such.” (f/n) said, matter-of-factly.

“You’re a royal pain in the ass, that’s for sure,” Bakugou responded, making Mina pout and Todoroki laugh a bit.

“We all know you don’t mean it, Kacchan.” Todoroki teased, making Bakugou glare at him.

“Listen here, you half-n-half bastard, I’m go-” Bakugou was interrupted by (f/n), who shrieked when she opened her locker. The second she opened it, her entire uniform was covered in blue paint. Some speckles even landed on her cheeks, mouth, forehead, and hair. Everyone froze as the paint slowly dripped down her now dirty clothes.

They all turned their heads when they heard laughter and saw Monoma doubled over trying to keep his laughter in. (f/n)’s shock turned into a death glare. She clenched her fists, ready to pummel him into the floor.

“I didn’t know you wanted to die today, YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Before anyone could do anything, (f/n) sprinted to Monoma and tackled him down, spreading the paint to him as well. He let out a scream as they both collided with the floor, the paint smearing beneath them.

“KICK HIS ASS, (N/N)!” Bakugou encouraged her, however,  Todoroki, Tokoyami, and Mina tried to stop her. Knowing he’d just copy her quirk, (f/n) settled for simple hand to hand combat.

Well…

“L-LET G-GO!” Monoma strained as (f/n)’s arm wrapped around his throat in a chokehold. (f/n) ignored him as her arm tightened around his neck. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he fell on his back, leaning his weight on her. He struggled, trying to stand up but to no avail.

“(f/n), you have to let go!” Todoroki yelled, as he and Tokoyami attempted to pull (f/n)’s arms off of Monoma, but she had a good grip. Todoroki pulled both (f/n) and Monoma up so they would stand. “Bakugou! Help!” The blond rolled his eyes, but complied, coming up behind (f/n) to pull her off. Ideally, he’d let (f/n) beat the shit outta him, but he also didn’t want (f/n) getting in trouble.

All the commotion caused their classmates to pile up at the doorway to watch the fight. Most of them were on (f/n)’s side.

“Goddammit, woman! LET GO!” Bakugou yelled, struggling to pull her off. Monoma was starting to see spots and his vision was getting hazy due to the lack of oxygen. Both Tokoyami and Todoroki noticed, making them pry harder.

“Let go, (f/n)!” Tokoyami yelled as Dark Shadow joined in. He tried to wrap around her, much like he would with Tokoyami, in an attempt to make her loosen her grip.

“NO!” (f/n) yelled back, making Mina’s eyes light up as she got an idea. She quickly ran behind Bakugou, slid her arms around him and tickled (f/n)’s sides. It took a few seconds, but their friend let go, making Todoroki and Tokoyami stand in her way, grabbing her arms and pressing their sides against her as Bakugou held her waist.

(f/n) was a strong fighter and here was proof, 3 fully grown men having to hold her back. Monoma felt his soul leave his body at the sight.

“STOP IT!” Bakugou yelled as she struggled against him.

“Let go of me! Let go of me right now, Kacchan! I’m kicking his ass!” Monoma was currently leaning against the lockers trying to catch his breath as he watched the furious girl attempt to… kill him?! She wanted to kill him! She was trying to choke him to death!

“ENOUGH!” Everyone froze at the booming voice and (f/n) shrank against Bakugou when she saw her teacher standing there with his hair and scarf floating. Her hands reached out to grab Tokoyami and Todoroki’s arms. His red eyes glared at the group demanding answers.

“She tried to kill me!” Monoma yelled, holding his throat. (f/n)’s eyes widened and shot to Aizawa.

“This jerk’s been pranking me for the last three weeks! Everything that’s gone wrong is his fault!”

“You have no proof of that!” Monoma argued, glaring at her.

“No pro- you’re always laughing at me and making snide comments! I know for a fact it’s you, asshole! Don’t even act like your innocent!”

“I am innocent, asshole!” (f/n) shoved Bakugou off and slipped in between Todoroki and Tokoyami, running towards Monoma when Aizawa’s scarf quickly wrapped around her.

“Out of your entire class, you’re the only one who hates us, dumbass!” (f/n) retaliated as she struggled against her teacher’s bindings. “Let me fight him, Mr. Aizawa! LET ME KICK HIS ASS!”

“That’s enough!” Aizawa interrupted their petty squabbling as he approached them. His eyes stopped glowing and his hair fell down. (f/n) was still wrapped around in his scarf but was no longer struggling. “Have you been pranking (l/n) this whole time?” Aizawa asked the blond.

“NO!” The hallway was so quiet, one could hear a pin drop. Aizawa glared at Monoma as he grabbed his arm and made him stand up.

“You’re lying.” The scarf loosened around (f/n) and fell off, returning to Aizawa as he looked at the students. Bakugou, Todoroki, Monoma, (f/n), and Tokoyami- not to mention his scarf- were covered in the blue paint. “Go clean yourselves up and come back, we’ll discuss your punishment for starting the fight later, (l/n). For now, I’ll be handling this one.” With that, Aizawa took Monoma away leaving everyone in awkward silence.

Until Kaminari broke it.

“Damn, (n/n)!  You really kicked his ass! That was awesome!”

“I think you’re rubbing off on her,” Tokoyami said, looking at Bakugou who smirked proudly.

“And the problem with that is?”

“We’ll have another you to deal with.” Todoroki responded, flatly.

“What’s wrong with me, IcyHot?!” 

“You guys are awesome!” Mina giggled, wrapping her arms around both Bakugou and Todoroki. “(f/n)! Get in here! You too, Fumi!”

“I’ll get the paint over you,” (f/n) muttered, looking down at herself.

“Either you come here or I’ll give you a bear hug.”

“You just want to go back to your room so you can lay in bed.” (f/n) argued, as she and Fumi joined the little group hug.

“Maaaybe!”

BONUS:

Later that day, Aizawa had met up with (f/n) and explained that her punishment was going to be detention for 3 days, as well as cleaning up the dorms. Although Monoma got something similar, it was worse.

However, whenever their classes were paired up for sparring matches or mock fights, Aizawa always did his best to pair (f/n) against Monoma, so she could teach him a lesson. Properly.

[penny44224]

I'm home

(It’s been a while I hope you like it😫)

Drinking your freshly brewed coffee as you sat in your office while observing the outside scenery from the window. It’s been exactly five years since you have been married to Chris or formally known as Bang Chan from Stray Kids. What started as a random encounter turned into blissful romance.

You both fought hard to keep your relationship going from the company, parents, and of course the fans. But successfully, everyone saw how much your love for one other is and eventually let it be. This is what you wanted right, to finally be with Chan without second-guessing yourself. So why are you unhappy. The public thinks you guys are living the happy married life together, but in private, you guys were struggling. To start it off, Bang Chan still works for JYP. Meaning, he lives in Seoul while he also lives in Australia which is where you live. You’ve been pushing about wanting to start a family with him ever since you guys got married but the long-distance is becoming a real issue.

You knew how much he loved his career and you support him fully without a doubt. But you couldn’t take it. Because to be honest, you were just lonely. It’s been 8 months since the last time you guys saw each other, felt each other, and kiss each other. You longed for him physically but you knew it wasn’t you say so. You accepted the long distance while you guys were dating but now being married, it was a different story.

Last night, you decided to call him up but that was a horrible idea. You just wanted to check up on him, but it escalated to an intense argument. The last thing you remember is him saying to you, “why the fuck am I still with you!” You never felt so broken that you barely got sleep last night.

Now you're in your office, trying your best to get through the day. On cue, that’s when your coworkers, Lia, Beth, and Maxine came in.

“Y/N did you not see my text messages I sent you!” said Lia

“Oh I’m sorry I haven’t been on my phone” you replied quietly

The girls were always used to your uplifting spirit but notice a sad tone in your voice

“Hey honey you ok?” Beth asked walked closer to you

That’s when finally last night’s emotion hit you. You started brawling in front of your friends while they immediately comfort you. You began to tell them everything that has happened.

“Oh my goodness, I never knew you were dealing with this sweetie,” Maxine says as she hugs you

“I don’t know what to do anymore, does he even love me or are we just staying together because of how hard we fought to be together, “ you say as more tears begin to fall down your cheek

“Don’t say that girl, you know he loves you melanin and all! You guys fought because of how much you love each other. That’s what matters” Maxine states

“But I can’t believe he said that to you, he knows I will literally go to Seoul to beat his ass up!” Lia replied which made you guys giggle

“Exactly go book a flight now and a hotel too” Beth added

“Oh guys stop,” you say now laughing as the tears start to dry

”You know what we can do to cheer you up!” Lia gasped

The girls looked at each other unsure

”THE CLUB” Lia yelled excitedly

”oh my goodness yasss, we can go to the one that just opened!” Beth added

” Uhh guys I'm not sure going to the club will help my problem,” y/n said

”Trust us y/n, the more you stress, the more you will become depressed. So let just let go for one night. ” Maxine says sweetly

You did want to forget about what happened last night so you agreed

”yayyy we gonna party!” Lia jumped up and down

”umm guys, is it ok if I invite Susie, you know she's new to town and I want to show her around,” Beth asked

”of course, she can come” you answered unaware of the butterfly effect you just created

After two hours of getting ready, you examined your self in the mirror. Your hair was up in a high ponytail, smokey face look, a strapless burgundy dress that hugged your curves and lace heels.

”Your gonna have a fun night,” you tell yourself as you hear beeping outside

As you guys were at the club, the girls literally on cloud nine. But you were still in your mood because of what Chan said. That's when Susie, the coworker came over to you

”Hey I heard what happened to you,” Susie said

”of course you did, Beth has a big mouth,” you said rubbing your forehead

”Heyy you need a drink, I'll go get one for you ” She winked and left before you can decline her suggestion

As Susie received your drink, she turned around (with her back facing you ) and dropped a small pill inside of it. When the pill dissolved she walked right toward you

”Here this will help you to let loose” Susie says as she hands you your drink

Your mind was screaming at you don't do it. But you just want to let go of all this hurt you were feeling.As you finished the drink, a rush of adrenaline took over your body in an instant.

After at least ten minutes, you were dancing on top of the bar table while the crowd cheers you on too. Your friends taking videos of you while hyping you up. That when you saw a man from across the room looking at you. The way he stared at you made you dance sexier. He began to smirk and lick his lips at you. Enjoying the effect you had on him, you got off the bar table.

”Girl what was that, you were killin it,” Lia said chapping her hands

” You said get loose so I'm doing exactly that. ” you said flipping your ponytail as you walk toward the mysterious man

As you walked toward him, he stands up from his seat. You got a good look at him, muscles trying their best out hold inside his button-up shirt, hair perfectly styled, and a smile that can light up the room.

”What's your name, handsome?” you asked

”B/W (your bias wrecker) ” he said with a smile

” mmm, you wanna dance,” you said stretch your arm out to him

He took it as you brought him to the center of the dance floor. You two began dancing for quite a while until the DJ started to play slow R&B aka sexual music. (B/W) held your waist and brought you closer to him. You felt everything as his body and your body closed the gap between you too. The feeling was addicting as you feel his lips shadow your neck and bulge on your thigh. You look up at him slowly to meet his eyes. Once both of your eyes met, all you saw was darkness and lust

As you open your eyes, you began stretching. But that's when you felt immediately nauseous, jumped out of bed, and sprinted to the bathroom. After throwing up for the fourth time. You tried reaching for the toilet paper where you usually put it but all you felt was a wall. That when your senses hit you, this wasn't your house.

As you look around your surroundings., you realized. This was a hotel! Maybe the girls and I crashed her because we were so drunk. So you washed up and left the bathroom. As you were walking toward the bedroom, you halt your action immediately. You looked on the floor and saw clothes. But not only yours, male clothes too. So many thoughts filled your head as it pounds. You finally reached the bed and saw him, (B/W) sleeping peacefully yet naked. That when you started to remember everything last night. You felt can not be described. Guilt layer 1 You quickly put on your clothes, grabbed your phone and bolted out of the building.

As you reached home you hopped into the shower. You began to break down letting all last night's mistakes and your latest fight with Chan flood the shower. You cheated on your husband replied over and over in your brain. As guilt flood the atmosphere. You felt extremely horrible but you knew you had to tell him. Guilt layer 2

As you got changed and decided to empty the trash, as you were organizing from the recyclables to the trash, you found a pregnancy box. That’s when you felt a cold chill rise. You forgot to check if you wore a condom, but you rushed out of the hotel room without asking the man. What you were about to do felt sick but you wanted to make sure

After waiting the exact time, you finally saw your results...you never wanted to jump out of a window so badly but you couldn’t since there was not another human inside you. You called up Maxine, telling her everything while balling your eyes out. Guilt layer part 3

” I'm a horrible wife, Maxine. I got so sad that I drank my feelings out because my husband said he doesn't know why he's with me. A-and I made an m-mistake and slept with (B/W) and now I'm giving pregnant. Pregnant from someone who isn't my husband! ” you cried out in pain while lying down in the floor

” y/n how did you even get this drunk in the first place?” Maxine asked

”Well Susie gave a drink, it tasted very fizzy for a drink. ” you said as you sniffed

”Oh my fucking gosh that bitch drugged you. I knew there was something wrong with her I just couldn't put my finger in it. One of my coworkers says they were there last night as saw her in the act but was too drunk to remember until this morning. I'm so sorry I should if stood by you” Maxine explain sadly

”So I'm a cheating worthless wife, who got pregnant over a one night stand because j was drugged by my co worker..” you say blankly analyzing how broken you felt. Your emotions are now numb, realizing everything was your fault. If you would have just said no all of these events would not have taken place. But the only person you can blame is yourself. Guilt layer 4

”y/n don't do anything stupid, we're coming over there right now,” Maxine says but you hung up the phone without giving her an answer

You got up from the floor and loom in the mirror. Your hair was a mess, your face, and a bit swelled from all the crying. You took a deep breath and try telling your self you will be ok. You grabbed the pregnancy test and walked out of the bathroom. Once you enter the living room, you halt your movements as your eyes couldn't believe what you were seeing.

Your one-night stand (B/W) standing with your purse that you probably left at the hotel in his hands while displaying shook expression. But that's not what you shocked about. It was because your husband was also standing in your shared living room with your favorite flowers in his hands looking at you with an expression you can't identify.

Both men are looking at you, while you looking at them thinking this was a dream. But somehow you were still missing something. Your eyes turned traveled to the living table where all you guys family photos we're placed. But there was one photo that stood out the most. It was a photo of your husband and (B/w) in a picture together, a high school picture together. Now all the puzzles pieces are now connected. B/w was chan childhood friend he has mentions you about but you never really met him until now well last night. As the final cherry on top, the guilt cake was completed of worse wife ever. It like Chan knew your realization, he heard everything you said from the bathroom since you were practically yelling and especially (B/W) too.

That when Chan began to speak

”I'm home”

[hecohansen31]

Hello! I don't know if you are taking requests but, if you are, could you maybe do some fluffy stuff about Bill calming someone from a anxiety attack?Just making them feel that everything it's ok and that she's not alone... I'm having a pretty bad day and I didn't started my treatment yet, so everything it's just so... loud and scary, you know? But if you're not it's ok, really. I also wanted to say that I love your work and that these stories really help go through most of my days. Take care

(A/N): Hey sweetie!

I just wanted to say that I am tremendously sad to hear that you had an anxiety attack and I hope that you are feeling slightly better or will soon and that your treatment will work out for you!

Just take a deep breath (although I know that it is difficult to say this) and just enjoy a bit of this reading!

I also wnated to apologize in advance if this sucks, I am not very good at writing for real people, since I am a bit uneasy about it, but I hope that you’ll like what I wrote, I honestly have to say that I tear up when you said that you love my work and that these stories help you go through you days, because if there is something that I want to do with these silly stories is helping you lovelies!

So I hope for the best and have a nice reading!

WARNINGS: Mention of Anxiety, Anxiety Attack, Awkwardness (also the first part is basically something that my therapist taught me to relax which is couting the parts of your body which touch, which is very helpful for me).

One, your lids.

Two, your lips.

Three, your…

A sob escaped your lips making them part immediately as you moved forward.

Your lungs on fire from the long tiring session you had been having, unable to properly breath as you felt the choking sound of your throat gasping for air.

And for a moment, you thought you couldn’t have made it.

For a moment everything closed around you and your arms moved around you to shield you properly from the reality crashing down onto you.

It had been all too much: the small change in the program, the acid comment of your boss and Bill’s text about how he’d be stuck on set for another week, after he had already been gone for three months to film his newest project.

And you had been left without a slight sniff of your tall boyfriend, with his gentle hands.

He had never witnessed an anxiety attack of yours, because as cheesy as it was you were always calmer with Bill.

It had always been this way, since he had first noticed how uncomfortable you looked in that small party your friend had dragged you to.

Everybody would have been glad that they had been invited to an Hollywoodian party, but you were just worried of dropping your glass of expensive champagne against somebody.

You had stood in your angle and suddenly this handsome man was in front of you, something similar in his eyes and you swore you had seen him somewhere… you just couldn’t remember when or where.

… and then all your knowledge of the net had made you realize that in front of you there was Bill Skarsgard and obviously your first reaction had been.

“… wait you are Bill Skarsgard!” because it was obviously the best thing to shout at a celebrity, even more to one as private as him, but he had simply replied gently.

‘Ah yeah that’s me’ he had seemed at unease and a myriad of thoughts had gone through your head, each one wanting to make you run away, but he had gently offered you an hand ‘… well since you already know my name, why don’t you tell me yours?’.

You had hesitated, more out of surprise than uneasy with the beautiful man, who had simply blushed and shaken his head as he had mumbled.

‘Gosh that was… moronic of me… I shouldn’t… Alex says that they work, but …’.

‘I am (Y/N)… (Y/N) (L/N)…’ you had shot back, breathing out your answer as you stumbled through the world, holding out your hand to grip his, as his face immediately went from nervousness to shock to a sweeter smile ‘… I am just surprised that a god like you wants to speak with a mere mortal like me’.

And then you had just felt awful, but he had just laughed it off embarrassed.

‘I actually think that you are the prettiest girl in the room, so…’.

And then you had blushed softly, biting your lips as Bill led you away from the crowd on the small front porch of the house, as you sat there, talking about how awkward you both felt at this kind of things.

‘… I don’t want to make you feel bad, but I was worried you’d crush the glass in your hands…’ he had joked as you blushed, softly punching him on the shoulder, your glass now empty, helping you with a bit of liquid courage.

‘You literally used the worst pick-up line after “did it hurt when you fell from heaven”?’ you had shot back and his cheeks had also turned a pinkish shade, as you both avoided each other’s eyes, too shy to confront the other.

For a kiss you had needed a bit more of wine, but it had been worth it.

And every moment with him had been worth it.

But three months without him were already too much, although you saw him through the skype calls.

But it wasn’t simply enough.

It wasn’t enough anymore when you had just the shittiest day and everything felt like it was too much to handle for you.

Your mind rushed through the most horrible thoughts as you tried to think what Bill would say to you.

His deep voice always helping you, even more when he did that cute giggle he owned, scrunching his nose in a way that was so so adorable that you had just promised to yourself to kiss it every time it happened.

But then a shocking thought hit you.

He’d think that you were a mess if he saw you like this.

Make-up all ruined form your tears and sweat and each time you had mindlessly touched your eyes to dry the tears and rub them, meanwhile your light lipstick was smashed all over your cheeks, since as soon as you had seen a reflection of yourself you had hated the color and wanted desperately to delete it.

He wouldn’t have stayed if he had seen you like that.

Maybe it was for the better that he wouldn’t be…

“Sweetheart, I am home!”.

For a moment you had thought that your brain had finally moved its endorphins and it was starting to work to distract you from the horrible feeling of tightness in your chest.

And then you heard the door closing.

And understood that Bill was for sure at home.

You shifted closer to yourself almost wanting to hide as you moved closer to the part under the sink, thinking that if you focused enough, you’d match the bathroom floor tiles.

Enough to hide yourself from Bill.

“Sweetheart?” he seemed almost sad that you didn’t answer him, and as a loud breath escaped your mouth, you slapped an hand over your mouth, as you tried to understand if it was all an hallucination or Bill had come home, before.

You didn’t know which one would have been worse.

“… shit maybe I should have told her…she hates surprises” your heart couldn’t help but awake at his serious concern for you “… maybe she is over at Christine’s”.

You hoped desperately that he’d just convince himself of it and maybe go away, because if there was one thing you were sure, hallucination or not, was that you wouldn’t have let him see you like that.

He’d have broken up with you, for sure.

“… I’ll call her” and before you could rush in to switch off your phone, the awful first notes of ‘Daylight’ by Taylor Swift started playing.

This brought you back when Bill had mocked your music tastes and you had pretended to be hurt, but you hadn’t cared in the slightest, singing offkey as he kept on preparing your dinner, and although he wouldn’t admit it, you had heard him sing the first few lines as he was getting ready for bed.

“… babe?” he asked, curiously and again a sob left your mouth, revealing further where you were, and as fast as you could you tried your best to hide yourself turning around a you tried to reach for your phone “…hey, lovely, is anything wrong?”.

Thankfully he hadn’t opened the doors, and gently knocked scaring you as you tried to calm your heavy breathing in order for you to appear as normal as you could with ruined make-up and a face that seemed the same someone would have after their pet died.

“… ahem I was just…” ‘please don’t say anything stupid’ “… pooping”.

“Oh” you could already picture Bill’s blushing face “… sorry sorry, sweetie, I’ll wait for you in the dining room, ok?”.

“Bill, what are you doing here?” you asked as you slowly got up, knowing that confrontation wasn’t avoidable and trying to make up whether hat awful voice that told you that Bill had just come back to you to break up was true or not “… aren’t you supposed to be filming the new movie?”.

“Ahem… yeah and no” his voice always wavered as it always did when he told you an half-truth “… we wrapped up a few days ago, but I wanted to make you a surprise, because today is our anniversary”.

Shit of a fucking shit.

You weren’t worried for the gift.

You had had that ready for a month.

Sometime anxiety had its perks.

But what worried you was the fact that you had literally looked at the day and hadn’t remembered it was your anniversary.

It was also the deadline of your project, which your boss had partially rejected.

The part that you had worked on desperately and almost on your own, which had resulted in the product being a bit imprecise but… it hadn’t seemed so bad.

You couldn’t help but hate the fact that you had been so stressed to have forgotten about it all.

“… sweetie, are you still there?” asked Bill from the other side “…or did the toilet seat swallow you?”

“Ahem no” although you felt that awful feeling of dreadful tightness in your lungs, you still let out a soft laugh “… I just… I don’t think that we should go out, you must be jetlagged…”.

“Actually, I got a bit of sleep on the plain… so… I am ready to dance all night” he mumbled softly, as he shifted closer to the door and you couldn’t help but be almost worried that he’d open it, but he stopped “… but if you aren’t feeling well… we could stay inside, order Greek food and watch whatever awful Netflix comedy you chose”.

He was trying to make you relax, he always used that deep soothing tone and tried his best to make you laugh.

‘You always look prettier when you laugh’ he smirked as he stole a kiss from your cheerful lips ‘…you also taste sweeter’.

“Yeah, I’d like that…” you commented softly “… work has just been crazy hectic and I just… ugh… don’t think that I could celebrate properly, but… we could go out tomorrow I swear that I’ll make it up to you”.

“Of course, sweetie” his tone was so soothing that it only made you feel guilty for having forgotten about it all.

If he broke up with you, you low key deserved it.

“… do you want to talk about work?”.

‘No, I want to set my boss on fire’ you would have wanted to mumble, but simply uttered:

“… wouldn’t want to annoy you, sweetie, you probably already had a hard…”.

“I have had a hard time not having you with me” he gently replied “… I don’t think that anything would be hard enough for me, if you stand by my side”.

A moment of silence made him waver and you felt him pushing himself back, doubting whether he had done the right thing or not.

“… if you feel like talking obviously”.

“The project…” you choked out “… it didn’t go well”.

“Oh sweetie” he almost seemed ready to rush in through the door, but he stopped himself, realizing that you needed this barrier, for a bit more “… you worked so hard for it”.

“Yeah… but Tara said that it had too much imprecisions, and I mean she is right… I should have worked on it a bit more! Gosh I just…”.

And then you were stopped as Bill pushed the door open, revealing your disheveled appearance and you immediately tried to hide yourself, but it was of no use, as Bill went through any resistance you had cradling you in his strong arms, raising you as if you weighted nothing more than a flower.

Touch usually made it all worst for you, but with Bill it felt like some kind of desperately nice sweater, the one that you wore on the rainy days as you cuddled a good book and a cup of hot cocoa.

It soothed you and made you cry even more, as you let all your tension ease through him, and he cuddled you closer gently adjusting you onto the counter of the sink.

He kissed your forehead tenderly releasing your hold onto him, as you instead brought him closer, needing to feel him.

In an almost desperate way.

He was such a grounding force to you right now that you just let yourself reveal to him your deepest side, the one that turned away everyone.

Except him.

He just cooed at you softly, as he kept you in his arms, pushing aside a few strands of drenched hair, as he kissed your neck, softly, a gentle touch.

“… whatever it is, you are not at work anymore, you are in our lovely home, the one that smells of those overpriced shit candles you like so so much” it made you snort a laugh “… you are safe, you don’t have to think about it”.

“The fact is…” and you could already picture his eyes having this shade of ‘what kind of psycho are you’ “… I can’t, I am just too anxious, and it makes me overthink everything”.

But instead Bill’s eyes scanned over your face before understanding settled in them.

“… you had an anxiety attack, didn’t you?”.

“I….” you breathed out all the air in your lungs “… how did you know?”.

“I have lived with you enough to know that you are a little anxious beastie” he commented softly “… you arrive always early, you always act so so stressed with deadlines, you panic badly if I leave you out to a party… I know that some things make you like that…”.

“And it doesn’t bother you?”.

“No” his breath was soft, and it hit your face in a way that warmed your cheeks “… I just… I just want to help you if I can”.

Everybody at this point always left you, no matter how much you promised to keep it under control or to change.

Nobody had ever asked to know how to make you feel better.

“Can… can you get my make-up remover…?” he stood a minute trying to internalize your phrase “… it is making my skin itch…”.

“Of course” and he turned, before sending you a quick look “…wait where is it?”.

And there it was your dorky boyfriend.

You just let out a laugh and told him where he could find it.

A few minutes and a Bill’s shirt later, you were indeed waiting for Greek food as you browsed through Netflix, and Bill joked about you rewatching ‘Hemlock Grove’.

‘… babe you can’t use your celebrity status to impress me, I have seen you in boxers with pigeons’.

‘Pigeons are cute’ he had mumbled as he had set beside you, pushing your head on his chest.

You had told him that his faint heartbeat was the perfect cure for your overworked body ‘… and I know that you are just nervous because you blush so so fucking much when Roman is on’.

‘… just because he is a dork’.

‘A sexy dork’.

‘Didn’t know you were a narcissist’.

And like that you quickly discarded your little banter in a more silent contemplation as you finally felt… at peace, calm, although you were mostly sweeping all your worry under your mug.

But with Bill you felt better, as he softly handled you, kissing you with the gentlest of touches, but not treating you as frail doll or looking at you like he was worried, he just had this natural nurturing way that made him so damnably sexy.

It made you bite your lips.

And it didn’t pass unobserved by him.

“… you, big cutie” he mumbled, a laughter making his chest raise softly “…stop being the most beautiful girl on Earth”.

As much as you loved silly Billy, you felt the need to set a few things straight.

“I am sorry for hiding it… all from you” you lowered your eyes, this time biting your lower lip for nervousness “… it is just…”.

“It’s ok” he spoke as if it was the most natural of things, as if you hadn’t just broken down as a mess in front of him “… I knew it… I mean I had my thoughts, but these are personal things, I wanted to wait for you to feel comfortable”:

“I didn’t want to hide it! It isn’t because I don’t trust you…”.

“I know” again that soothing tone, it made everything better, you swore it could cure world’s hunger “… I know that people didn’t make it easy for you, so I’ll make it as easy as I can”.

And with that he pulled you to look at him in the eyes, something that was difficult for you in that moment, overwhelmed by your senses.

But you pushed through, because you knew that whenever he needed to tell you something important, he needed to have your eyes in his, to make you know that he wasn’t lying to you.

“… when you need me, I don’t care if I am busy with shooting a movie or in the bathroom, pooping…” you smirked lightly “… you come to me and tell me what is happening and when you feel a bit better we can discuss what helps you and what I can do…”.

“Bill… I am sorry but I don’t want to bother you…”.

That was the wrong thing to say, because although Bill didn’t attack you, he stiffened lightly and grabbed your hands gently, turning them and bringing one and then the other to kiss your inner wrists.

“… you, little one, are never ever a bother” he spoke each word dauntingly meaningful “… you are the most precious things I have ever had in my life, anxiety included”.

“We are kind of package deal” you mumbled an awkward smile on your face.

“Then I got lucky, two for one” he joked, and you finally let out a soft laugh, punching him on his shoulder.

“You are a fucking idiot, my friend”.

“Don’t hit me, it’ll cost you, I am a miracle of nature”.

“Whatever you say Pennywise, the dancing clown”.

“Oh, don’t get me started”.

And as the tickling war started, the glimmering ring in Bill’s jacket just waited the right time.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow would have been a better day.

[yehet-me-up]

*busts through the door like I'm the Kool-Aid man* BONJOUR FUCKERS I'M BACK!!! It is I, the Theatrical Gay Anon™! I hope you're ready to endure my endless babbling for a bit cuz I've got lots to say holy shit. Consider this part 1 of like, 1000 cuz I think Tumblr got rid of the submissions feature. I apologize in advance for the spam hehe.

Okay, with that out of the way. Ms. Yehet-Me-Up, may I call you Sarah? Sarah, what the fuck!? I can't even rn. I I give you a simple suggestion, no expectations behind it. I say "Hey, don't you think it'd be cool if Zitao was in the Exodus Mall universe?" to which you said "Yeah, that'd be neat, I might do that. Perhaps make him work at an Irish pub or something" and then I flip out with gratitude and excitement thinking you're gonna do like, a DRABBLE. 500 words at MOST -Theatrical Gay Anon

Imagine my SHOCK, my STUPEFACTION, upon realizing that you wrote OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS about Huang Zitao aka the wind beneath my wings, the rain to my drought, the corny joke to my Junmyeon. And not only that! But you did this A MONTH AGO. I could've been reading this for so long and I had no idea! How foolish am I? I can't believe you wrote all of this based off of a silly little suggestion I made. I feel like bowing over how not worthy I am Wayne's World style -Theatrical Gay Anon

NOW IN REGARDS TO THE CONTENT OF THIS MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN!? I am floored by your preeminence. First things first, the title? Perfect. Full disclosure, I suck at titles. I've been writing for over a decade now and I'm still shit with titles. It's so hard to come up with just a few words to encapsulate everything you wrote but you do it SO WELL. The moodboard? Amazing. I've always loved that picture of Zitao and it fits so well with the pub setting -Theatrical Gay Anon

I'm afraid you've written "Fractions of Tomorrow" so well that I don't see there being a need for anyone to write anything else...ever. Stories? CANCELED. Poetry? CANCELED. Biographies? CANCELED. It's all over folks. Sarah has written The Best Thing Ever. We've peaked as a society. After I finish writing these asks I'm gonna become a hermit in the woods and make friends with all of the woodland creatures that inhabit it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

But seriously though, I love absolutely everything about this story. As a Zitao fan, I'm used to getting breadcrumbs. Not a lot of ppl write fics about him. I can count on one hand how many long fics of his you can find on Tumblr. But THIS?? This was no breadcrumb, this was a whole fucking bakery. And it all appeals to me so much oh my god? The sappiness of it all, the flowery prose, the rebellious rejection of cynicism, it's all so beautiful I want to marry it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

If I discussed all of the sentences in this fic that made me giggle with joy and kick my feet around I'd be here all day so keep in mind this is just a FRACTION of the ones I loved but I couldn't go without mentioning at least some of them so here we go. "It’s not his first time here, but it’s his first time paying attention" SHUT UP this line is go good it's so simple yet so nuanced I adore it. Seriously, why hasn't anyone hired you to write a screenplay? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"He wonders if you ironed the collar of your shirt to be that precise or if you simply move through the world without acquiring any wrinkles" God, this line is so CUTE it's DISGUSTING he's fond of the reader's un-wrinkled clothes that's such a specific thing to like and is totally the type of thing I've done with the ppl I've crushed on throughout my life. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Zitao,’ he says finally. ‘Cute.’ You say" this is such a little thing but I love that you included his full name in this. I love his full name so much it sounds really pretty. Whenever I hear him refer to himself as "Huang Zitao" in interviews my heart soars. Hearing him speak Mandarin in general is a delight as well. It's an audibly gorgeous language and any racist who says otherwise can EAT MY ENTIRE ASS -Theatrical Gay Anon

"For someone who’s been in love for as long as you can remember she fights awfully hard against Baekhyun’s romantic nature" DEAR GOD I LOVE THESE TWO! I love these movie loving lovesick fools. I love that everyone in the world knows they love each other except them. I love seeing bits and pieces of their story throughout this written universe. I can't wait to see it all come together in Baekhyun's Exodus Mall fic. It's gonna be GLORIOUS -Theatrical Gay Anon

Also! I know you enjoyed my song recs that I thought fit perfectly with All Our Broken Places so here are some for when the Baek x Hitchcock fic drops. I know it's not done yet but I just *know* what it's gonna be like I can feel it in my bones. "Sidekick" by Walk the Moon and "Tongue Tied" by Grouplove. As for Fractions of Tomorrow I knew right away what songs I'd pick. "Dreams" by The Cranberries, "Jumpstarted" by Jukebox the Ghost and "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey -Theatrical Gay Anon

Gosh, this fic filled me with so much energy and joy I feel like a toddler on caffeine. But I really should sleep now though. It's gotten so late that I can see the sunrise peaking up sdksdksl. I'll see ya soon! I will be spamming you with more compliments about this fic once I wake up though! - Theatrical Gay Anon

Hi! I'm back. Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about some of my favorite lines from the story. "‘Hey man, how’s it going?’ Baekhyun reaches out and does a complex handshake with the man before you. ‘Oh, you know. Just working at the salt mines,’ Tao says with a laugh." I LOVE that you made Baek the one Zitao was close with. I miss the beef brothers so much. I'll never forgive SM for what they did to OT12. They were all such good friends 😔 -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘I’m not sure.’ For a flash Tao’s eyes linger on you once more. ‘I think it would depend on the person.’ And then the bastard goes and winks at you." GOD, HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! HE'S SUCH A SHAMELESS FLIRT I HATE HIM *narrator voice* This was of course a huge a lie, he in fact loved Zitao immensely -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Sweetheart, I’m everyone’s type.’" You've captured Zitao's unlimited confidence so well and that makes me really happy. It's one of my favorite things about him. The man truly loves himself and I think that's awesome -Theatrical Gay Anon

"Tao looks at you through his lashes, bending close enough that you can feel his breath on your lips when he speaks. ‘Words are just the appetizer, darling. I prefer to have an entire feast.’ 'Any other questions or can I grab your orders?’" ASDKDSDSL SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SAY THAT PANTY DROPPER LINE AND GO BACK TO BUSINESS AS USUAL ZITAO???? HUH??? IS THAT WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO??? -Theatrical Gay Anon

"‘Oh, nothing.’ He looks like the cat that caught the canary. ‘I just love being right.’" Something I love about EXO fic writers (myself included lol) is that despite all of the different ways they'll write the other members, there is one member who is always written the same and that's Baekhyun. He will always be written as a cheeky little shit cuz he *is* a cheeky little shit. That's just who he is. Messing with ppl is a favorite past time of his. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"'So, love, huh? There’s not some girlfriend or boyfriend of yours waiting for you at home?’" Thank you for not being heteronormative with the "are you dating someone?" convo. I know it might not seem like much but I really appreciate it. -Theatrical Gay Anon

"The beginning of love is always a lightning bolt. If that’s all it ever is you never have to deal with being knocked on your ass by the resulting thunderstorm" OOF, this one got me. So very true. The beginning of love is so scary! -Theatrical Gay Anon

"I could argue that anarchy still is love. Love of your beliefs and love of a person or a place or a thing so much that you’re willing to fight for it" OKAY BUT PASSIONATE LEATHER JACKET WEARING ANARCHIST ZITAO IN A ROCK BAND IS SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE CONCEPT!!! There's nothing sexier than a bad boi that will hate capitalism with you! He'd probably be the one to give ppl rides to protests and stuff I LOVE IT -Theatrical Gay Anon

"If we say love is a feeling, who’s to say that we aren’t in love? If we decide it’s an action then which one is it? A kiss or a commitment or - maybe it’s nothing more complicated than putting words to the way I feel when you look at me?" Listen I don't mean to be dramatic or anything (wait, who am I kidding? I'm literally the Theatrical Gay Anon being dramatic is like my Thing) but if a guy ever said that to me my trans boi pussy would be open for business IMMEDIATELY

Alright, so, uh Final Thoughts. This may be my new favorite work of yours, and no it's not just cuz it's got my ultimate bias in it lmao. This year has been so shitty and it's made my depression + anxiety reach the highest possible levels but reading this, this love story filled with hope and certainty despite not knowing what the future will hold for them, made this year seem easier to cope with. Thank you so much for making this, it means the world to me. -Theatrical Gay Anon

ALRIGHT, LAST ASK AND THEN I'LL SHUT UP I PROMISE but I personally headcanon that Double Shot + Zitao stayed together till the very end. They didn't get married cuz they hate formalities but they got matching tattoos and even when they're old and grey you can still them clear as day on their wrists. When they're asked how they met no one believes their answer lol. And when Double Shot died of old age before Zitao he would sing her favorite song by her grave every Saturday -Theatrical Gay Anon

OKAY SO I know I said I was done and I know I've already sent in like, 30 bajillion asks but I'm curious does Yifan or Luhan also work at the Irish pub?? Or do they work somewhere else in the mall? Inquiring minds want to know -Theatrical Gay Anon

When I tell you this made my entire month (when you sent it weeks ago, I’ve been hanging onto these because they seriously bring me SO much joy holy crap) I am not remotely kidding j;oaisjdflkasdjfa

I am absolutely going to put on these song recs while I work on the next chapter! 

a;osdfjlaksdfjasl the fact that you stayed up late to read this warms my heart so much. It reminds me of all the times I stayed up til the ass crack of dawn reading fanfics because I simply could NOT stop reading, so the fact that you enjoyed this like that makes me helllllaaaa emo 🥰

I just??? 2020 was indeed such a long year and affected my energy and creativity and honestly don’t really remember writing this hahaha. I kind of go into a fugue state with these longer fics and they just EMERGE. So to see you reflecting back some of what I wrote allows me to enjoy the process so much more. Makes writing and tumblr fun and I seriously wish everyone writing and creating could have someone as passionate and thoughtful and hilarious as you hyping them up 🌟 it honestly feels like a GIFT and I will absolutely keep writing this series and hoping to be worthy of it 😘

We will definitely get to see more of these two in the finale fic! I got into EXO after Tao, Yifan, and Luhan left so I’m not quite as familar with their personalities, but I could definitely see Yifan working at the US Bank haha. Business suit by day and partying/flirting by night. As for Luhan I feel like he’d work somewhere like the bookstore or the music store?? somewhere quieter and more contemplative. 

Thank you again for sending this and for being you <3 I hope 2021 is a wonderful year for you and that you know how AMAZING you are 💖💖💖💖💖

[joyisntyoj]

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

 Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari. 

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~ 

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future. 

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen. 

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.

[belovedjiya]

All too well.

Chapter IV

June, 2021.

"The fairytale is too good to be true"

I love him so much until i lose myself on the way with him. He give me a lot, love, wonderful memories, affection, the best experience, and also pain.

After saying goodbye to him and block him from my life, i decide to not ever comeback to that place anymore, however he is happy with someone else now, and i'm trying to do the same thing with another guy. Dont want to mention about these guys name. Just let call him, Mr. Charming. I feel safe with him, he can express his feeling to me and we did a lot of thing too. But the irony is, i dont know what happiness is. I'm happy with this Mr. Charming, but not as i'm with him, the one who give me so much pain and happiness at the same time.

"Jiya, do you want to talk with him?" Bomi offering me solution, she know that me and him is end up with bed term. I refuse to talk with him because i know if i talk with him again, i will so weak and my clingy sould with align with him, how i am supposed ti move on?

"No, i dont want to" I said to her

"Seriuosly? even he said he have something to explain? oh my gosh, just please talk with him and make everything clear, dont be like this"

She persuede me to talk with him again, and i give him a chance to talk, afte Bomi made a room for us to talk heart to heart.

The awkward situasion between us,

"How are you Jiya?" He asked after we meet

"Not really fine, how about you?"

"I'm not good, but i want to be good. That's why i wanna talk with you"

He start to explain the thing. Everything, the unsaid words. He told me something that i never know back then because he hold it all the time.

"Jiya, do you remember when i said we will doing something romantic in jeju island? that time i have a plan to ask you out, after your first gone i realized that i have a feeling for you. That's why i wanna go with you and plan to make our relationship being official there. But then you suddenly cancel the plan and said you will walk away from me. I'm shocked- and i dont know what should i do, i have a high pride and i cant hold you, i think i have no right to hold you that time, and i promise to not hold you if you want to go"

DAMN- i'm speechless.

"But then, after you gone again, i saw you with someone else, You go to Jeju with him, doing all the thing that we should do. It's broke me, i hate when i see you with others and do our plan. it should be me, but you doing it with someone else after you leave me"

I'm staying in silence, i feel so guilty about that day. If i'm not mad beacause of jealousy, will everything be okay?

"Then i found someone else, he like an oasis for me. So yeah, i try to start over with him. He is broken too and we heal each others, this is mess. I know i'm selfish, the 'him' you said when your last goodbye is him. I know it right-"

I let out the long sight, knowing the fact when everything is late. He is already have someone else now, either me. I'm continue my journey with Mr. Charming now. Why he just confess his feeling and explain everything now? why he didn't told me his feeling since a long time ago and make me confuse about it.

"i Just want you to know that you are loved jiya, you are wanted, i know it's late but i really love you."

I explain the same thing, the reason why i left him.

"i think our problem is communication" He said. he know it. He always hold everything alone and never told me clearly abou this feeling, and i always jump into my own conclusion because i was afraid to ask. The wall he build between me and him just too huge and high.

Nothing we can do, everything is late. We decide to be "Just friend" he said that he hope can still be friend with me. At leas he can see me happy around. I try to be friend with him and chatting casually just like a friend, until we made another mistake. I miss him so much, like i dont know what to do.

"May i hug you?" I asked, he let me to hug him

"I miss you so much, oppa"

"Me too, Jiya"

We hug each other and losing control, i ask his permission to kiss him. And we end up being crazy. We can control the feeling, the fact that we still loving each other's. I know it's wrong, and it's going worst.

"I know it's crazy, Jiya but i dont i can move on. I still want you"

"but how about him? you can leave him? no, i dont want you to hurt another people"

It's confusing for me, at the other side i dont want to hurt Mr. Charming feeling too. But either me or him, we didn't have that "official relationship" with them, so it's mean we still free right?

"I'm begging you to stay, please dont leave." For the first time, he begging me to stay with him. And i want him so bad, I sacrificed other people to hurt me just to be with him. I lost my bestfriend because since the beggining she didn't like him for make me hurt and cry, now i lose Mr. Charming too. I hurt him because i said that i still love him and want to be with him. He did the same thing,

we hurt many people in this stroy. But at that time, i dont want to think about anyone else. I just want to be happy with him, i like him so much for a long time and now, i just want to have him in my arm, officially.

We passed the storm together, the hate from people around us who didn't like me, his friend hate me so much, and my bestfriend too, she hate him so much. our relationship is not approved by some people, especially by people we have hurt. But i dont care about it and just walk together with him, our happiness is matters.

It's just feel like a dream for me to finally having him as my boyfriend,i thought all this time i just trapped in one side love, but there he is here with me right now. He has the same feeling for me. One day, i was really busy and have some work in another city, he being so clingy and told me that he miss me so much, he awaken in the middle of night and telling me how much he love me, how much he want to be with me and he promise to be a good boyfriend for me.

19th June, 2021. He asking me out officially after we have some date and watch sunrise together. He show me the side of him that i dont ever see, he can express his feeling freely now without worry about anything,

"I miss you so much, please comeback home soon"

"You still outside? when you will come home? i'm dying"

"I love you so much, i love you so much"

"I still want to be with you, let's talk more hmm?"

I laugh, we just spend the night together and he said he still miss me and dont want to sleep because he miss me. He being so cute, very cute and i can resist his cuteness. He take me into date, almost every weekend, when i'm being busy with my work he often texting me and said he miss me.

"Yang? i miss you"

"are you still busy? please check your phone, your boyfriend is waiting"

That's just small thing but matter for me. At the friday night, the day after he have long day and over works, he still come to my home and ask me for some cuddle. I ask him to sleep because it's must be tired for him,

"No, all i need is cuddle with you" He refuse to sleep and choose to stay up all night with me, until the dawn come.

He often take me to camping, offering me beautiful place to visit, sharing a good and romantic song, he listen to my rants whenever i'm being grumpy about anything. He just smile softly and caressing my hairs.

at his friend wedding day, i'm being sulky because i cant catch the flower bouquet, but then he take me to villa and full of flowers there, the beautiful villa with flowers on the bed, He prepared it for me and he succesfully make me happy for it.

We are dancing under the sunset when we have date on beach, he held my waist and singing together with me

"Fly me to the moon~" He stare at me and kiss me slowly,

and when my birthday come, he made another surprise, he took me to some resort to have a dinner together and suddenly he sing for me in front of a lot people.

"You and i both~" after make me speechless and cry, after make me speechless and cry he gave me a necklace for a present. But himself it the best present that i ever had.

another unforgettable moment for me is when we spending time together to do camping, we wash our self in the calm lake. Under the moonlight, i wrap my arm around his neck and telling him that i love him so much. i told him that this is like the scene of twilight movie, we laugh together.

He take me to the wonderful fairytale, i can say that he is the source of my happiness, no one can make me happy like him- but no one can hurt me like him too.

when our story become too good, i should know that fairytale just too good to be true.

[sail-not-drift]

Molly, please help me. I feel really lost and the month is almost over, classes will begin again and I still don't know what to do with my life. I don't know my purpose and I'm afraid for my own messed up sanity cause in August both my brother and best friend are going away to other parts of the world and I'll be so alone. My depression is so bad too, procrastination is my last name. I'm so afraid, what do I do with my life? SAT's are coming too, I've never been this bad.

Oh gosh bb I wish I were awake enough to say something profound and beautiful and take all this away from you. And even if I were awake I know I couldn’t do that, not really. But... from what you’re saying it sounds like you are really really really afraid of the future. You’re in a different part of your life than I am but I get that so completely. The scariest thing to me about the future is having this scream of time in front of me (yes that’s a quote from Being Human UK fight me) that on one hand feels like an eternity that I need to fill but is also no time at all.

I don’t really know how to reconcile that, but... I believe that having a “project” can help. For me right now that’s writing fic. I don’t know if you’re an artist or a math person or you like fixing cars, but maybe try thinking of a way to use what you love to create a future for yourself that has nothing to do with other people or academics or a career. Right now I’m in a coasting period but when I was spiraling, writing fic was the only thing that made me feel like a person who wasn’t disappearing bit by bit. Not because I was looking for comments or kudos, but because the act of creating and bringing something new into the world gave me a purpose that no one could take away.

This feels really unhelpful and I’m sorry, but... when things are crashing down on you all at once so hard that it feels easier to crumple than take on that weight... be compassionate with yourself. Positive self talk is great but I’m terrible at it so I don’t feel right suggesting it. By compassion I mean... maybe try to realize that it’s alright to crumple sometimes. Cause life is fricking hard and the fact that everyone isn’t broken - or maybe that so many people are good at hiding it - makes very little sense to me.

But do me a favor, if you can, and get through this. Not all of it, because not all of it has another side to reach, but... get to the other side of the SATs. Set up regular Skype dates with your brother and your friend. Find that itty bit of breathing space where the future isn’t something huge and scary that you can’t control, but something to build towards: finish writing that novel, or work on gathering an encyclopedic knowledge of the Napoleonic Wars, or challenge yourself to watch 250 new movies in a year. Whatever it is. The world is big, so make it smaller. 

And get through this. Because even the things you can’t get through, even the things that will follow you your whole life and will never get any easier - if you can distract yourself, somehow, the time that takes will begin to callus. It won’t get easier, but you’ll get stronger, and maybe the next time you look these things in the face they won’t crush you.

That’s a lot of babbling, but... I hope I said something that helps you. You’ll be ok, whatever the definition of your ok ends up being. I promise.