next // previous
september 1, 2021
6:15 p.m.
basil's restaurant
ten minutes ago
[ktmurphy86] i might be a few minutes late, but i'm almost there.
grant scrolls through the metric ton of messages piling up in his notifications until he reaches the very end, and with a lump in his throat, opens it to respond. or like it. or send a thumbs up like a cool cucumber.
baby steps, he tells himself. one task at a time. the responses to all the messages from family, friends, and former co-workers inquiring about his exam results will come later.
just meet your sister first and–
“you seem different.”
he nearly jumps out of his skin as kelly’s high-pitched voice supersedes his thoughts.
“hopefully in a good way,” grant replies, looking up as he slides his phone off the table and into his back pocket.
it’s been nearly a decade since their last encounter, and he’d still recognize her from a mile away.
kelly’s hair is dyed platinum blonde like always, but now it’s twice as long, and her natural brunette locks–peeking through at the root–are streaked through with shocks of silver. her ice blue eyes are just as piercing, only underlined with tiny wrinkles. she’s still thin, too, but rather rail thin; her sweater dress seems to wear her more than she wears it.
“yes, in a good way.” kelly pulls out the chair opposite him and sits down with her arms wrapped across her waist. the candle between them casts a strange yellow glow over her wiry features. “you look better, much healthier.”
“uh, thank you. you look great as well.”
she half-smiles. “it’s just hair dye and botox. i look old. i didn’t inherit the ageless ó súilleabháin genes, so i'm going grey very early like all the callahans. by the way, you weren’t waiting long, were you?”
“oh, no, no, not at all. i have my car, but i didn’t want to deal with traffic, so i took the subway, but then that also kind of took a while. i pretty much just got here.”
“okay, good.” kelly pauses for a moment, her lips pursed. “well. i thought about what i'd say to you the whole ride over here, and now it’s all gone.”
for a moment, they exchange no other words. they drown in the silence, staring into each other’s eyes and into the past.
she’s surprisingly warm, all things considered. the last time they’d been in the same room–
grant is distracted again from his thoughts, watching as a strange sadness falls across her face. she reaches up at the collar of her dress and tug at it like it’s choking her, and her eyes then drift away to stare at an indistinct point on the table between them.
“it’s weird to see you again,” she admits suddenly, her gaze still fixated far away from him, “i didn’t think you’d message me back a few months ago.”
“to be honest, i didn’t mean to. i replied by accident one night and then just decided to follow through with talking to you. and now i'm here. yeah. um, anyway, why’d you reach out to me?”
“i was on facebook a couple months ago, and one of those ‘look at what you posted this day years ago’ things came up. it was a picture aunt bridget tagged us all in. it was the whole family at one of your high school hockey games, i think your freshman year state championship game.” kelly shrugs. “i didn’t even know any of those pictures were still there. that was a real surprise, given i unfriended and blocked everyone i'm related to on there when i left home after high school.”
grant nods. “a picture of me probably very sweaty and gross with helmet hair made you want to reach out to me?”
“not quite. my kids were with me at the time. we were in an airport coming back from vacation, so they were bored and nosy. ‘is that you? who are all these people?’ i was then immediately caught in my lie; i'd been telling them their whole lives i had no family left, and their only extended family was their dad’s parents.”
“yikes. i'm sure that was awkward.”
“it was,” kelly says plainly, “my oldest kids weren’t happy with the news. they’ve been, um, a little jealous of their friends for having lots of cousins and big family events for the holidays, and it didn’t go over well when they figured out they do have a big family. besides, they rightfully did see it as a betrayal of their trust. if mom lied once, what else might mom be lying about? the tooth fairy? santa claus? the easter bunny? yes, those, too. sorry. also, if you didn’t already guess based on my new last name, i married jack, and…”
“i figured you married him. you’d already been together a really long time even when i last saw you. we all grew up together, and you guys were middle school and high school sweethearts and all.”
“he’s a good guy. as i was about to say, though, jack is very partial to you. he always liked you. he thought you were a sweet kid, and he won’t let me forget what happened between us. so, after the facebook incident, he encouraged me to contact you, if only for the kids’ sake. after living in a huge family, i don’t think it’s all that fantastic, but he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder being an only child, and he doesn’t want the kids to have no one besides his parents in their lives. don’t get me wrong; i will never ever get involved in callahan or ó súilleabháin bullshit again, but i will consider reconnecting with you and letting you meet the kids.”
grant bites into his lip as that nagging anxious lump returns to his throat. “well, why me? why bother getting involved with any of us again after everything? even if it is for your kids, what's your motivation?"
kelly outright ignores his question. “tell me what you’ve been up to for the last, what, eight years? nine years? i don’t remember how long it’s been. you're at least talking to our dad, i hear.”
"how do you know that?"
"my in-laws may not know anything else about you these days, but they've seen you with him around our hometown."
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"FREEZE YOUR BRAIN"
THIS IS NOT AN EXACT TRANSLATION, THIS IS AN ADAPTATION (AND ONE THAT STILL NEEDS TONS OF FIXING AT THAT)
I regret my life choices of not being able to actually start studying.
Here's "Freeze Your Brain" adapted in Italian!
ASK ME FOR PERMISSION BEFORE USING THIS, DO CREDIT ME IF YOU EVER USE THIS (I doubt you will it’s impractical and still needs so much fixing it’s unbelievable) AND TELL ME/LINK WHATEVER YOU USED IT FOR USING REBLOGS (because for some reason Tumblr doesn’t like comments with links and while I do think I understand why I don’t always like it)
(the apostrophes [or however ’ is called] are used to shorten the number of syllables often in poetry so I’m obviously abusing that power.)
[J.D.]
Sono stato in dieci superiori
Tutte la stessa scenetta
Inutile abituarsi
Perché ce ne andiamo di fretta
Mio padre tiene nel baule pronti due bagagli
Quindi è solo una questione di ricaricarli
I nomi non imparo
Che faccia è di chi non m'è chiaro
La fiducia in questa oasi di cemento riparo
Sembra che ogni volta che sto per disperarmi
C'è un 7-Eleven ad aspettarmi
Ogni negozio è lo stesso
Da Las Vegas all'Ohio
Corsie di linoleum che adoro
Vagare io
Prego al mio altare di granita;
Sì, adoro quella dolce botta di vita...
Congela il cervello
Succhia dalla cannuccia
Meglio di un coltello
Arriva la felicità
Quando tutto se ne va
A chi serve uno spinello?
Congela il cervello
Congela il cervello
[J.D., parlato]
Ti va un tiro?
[VERONICA, parlato]
La tua mammina sa che mangi tutta quella merda?
[J.D., parlato]
Non più
(cantato)
Quando mamma era viva
Vivevamo quasi normalmente
Ora siamo solo io e mio padre
Stiamo meno formalmente
Ho imparato a cucinare
Le tasse a pagare;
Imparato che'l mondo
Nemmeno un cent ti vorrà dare
Il tuo futuro hai pianificato
Veronica Sawyer
Andrai a qualche college
E sposerai un avvocato
Ma il cielo farà male
Quando su di te sarà demolito
Quindi è meglio se
Il tuo muro l'avrai già costruito...
Congela il cervello
Nuota nel ghiaccio
Perditi nel suo doloroso bello
Chiudi bene i tuoi occhi
Fino a che non ti vedran quegli sciocchi
Non diventare uno zimbello
Congela il cervello
Distruggiti il teschio
Combatti il dolore con uno più bello
Dimentica chi sei
Liberati da quel peso
Dimentica in un mese e mezzo
Riavrai lo stesso frainteso
Quando la voce nella tua testa
Dice ch'uno come te è meglio se non resta
Non ascoltare a quello
Solo congela il cervello
Congela il cervello
Vai avanti e congela il cervello...
(parlato)
Provaci
So, direct translation! (used in this to specify the meanings and explain certain word choices)
[J.D.]
I've been through ten high schools
They're all the same little scene (but little in this case is meant in a negative light)
No point getting used to it
'Cause we're gone in a hurry
My dad keeps two suitcases ready in the den
So it's only a matter of refilling(/repacking) them
I don't learn the names
Whose faces is whose isn't clear to me
My trust resides in this concrete oasis
Seems every time I'm about to despair
There's a 7-Eleven waiting for me
Each store is the same
From Las Vegas to Ohio
Linoleum aisles that I love
To walk around in
I pray at my altar of slush;
Yeah, I live for sweet hit of life (or however you call that, basically gives life force again but something that gives you life force not in a literal sense)...
Freeze your brain
Suck from that straw
Better than a knife
Happiness comes
When everything goes
Who needs a joint?
Freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
[J.D., spoken]
You want a hit?
[VERONICA, spoken]
Does your mommy know you eat all that crap?
[J.D., spoken]
Not anymore
(sung)
When mom was alive
We lived almost normally
But now it's just me and my dad
We live less formally
I learned to cook pasta
To pay taxes;
Learned the world
Won't want to give you even a cent
You've planned your future
Veronica Sawyer
You'll go to some college
And marry a lawyer
But the sky's gonna hurt
When it'll be demolished on you
So it'll be better if
You'll have already built your wall
Freeze your brain
Swim in the ice
Get lost in its beautiful pain
Shut your eyes tight(/well)
Till those fools (sorry I had to use this for the rhyme) won't see you
Don't become a laughingstock
Freeze your brain
Destroy your skull
Fight pain with a more beautiful one
Forget who you are
Free yourself from that weight
Forget in a month and a half
You'll have the same misunderstanding again
When the voice in your head
Says someone like you is better off gone
Don't listen to that guy(/him)
Just freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
Go on and freeze your brain...
(spoken)
Try it
OG LYRICS (if you’re seeing this I doubt you don’t know them, but here they are anyway):
[J.D.]
I've been through ten high schools
They start to get blurry
No point planting roots
'Cause you're gone in a hurry
My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den
So it's only a matter of when
I don't learn the names
Don't bother with faces
All I can trust is this concrete oasis
Seems every time I'm about to despair
There's a 7-Eleven right there
Each store is the same
From Las Vegas to Boston
Linoleum aisles that I love
To get lost in
I pray at my altar of slush;
Yeah, I live for that sweet frozen rush...
Freeze your brain
Suck on that straw
Get lost in the pain
Happiness comes
When everything numbs
Who needs cocaine?
Freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
See upcoming pop shows
Get tickets for your favorite artists
[J.D., spoken]
Care for a hit?
[VERONICA, spoken]
Does your mommy know you eat all that crap?
[J.D., spoken]
Not anymore
(sung)
When mom was alive
We lived halfway normal
But now it's just me and my dad
We're less formal
I learned to cook pasta
I learned to pay rent;
Learned the world
Doesn't owe you a cent
You're planning your future
Veronica Sawyer
You'll go to some college
And marry a lawyer
But the sky's gonna hurt
When it falls
So you better start
Building some walls...
Freeze your brain
Swim in the ice
Get lost in the pain
Shut your eyes tight
Till you vanish from sight
Let nothing remain
Freeze your brain
Shatter your skull
Fight pain with more pain
Forget who you are
Unburden your load
Forget in six weeks
You'll be back on the road
When the voice in your head
Says you're better off dead
Don't open a vein
Just freeze your brain
Freeze your brain
Go on and freeze your brain...
(spoken)
Try it
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every time i see discourse about fundraisers go by on here im just fully struck with the realization that not a single one of you people have either taken a cybersecurity fraud prevention course or bothered to take one singular second to consider the website youre on. this is the broke bitches website. none of us can afford to fund our mutuals' grocery bills, much less entire evacuation funds, and CERTAINLY not FAKE evacuation funds taking advantage of genocide victims. all this shit abt how people are deliberately choosing not to fund every post that passes their dash because they hate palestinians literally just does the work of actual scammers for them by laying the high-pressure sales tactics groundwork, and the "do you guys have any idea how hard it is to keep coming up with new attention-grabbing fundraiser posts?" ones just ring EXTREMELY hollow because YEAH! YEAH I DO! and so does everyone i follow! and everyone they follow! because all of us are FUCKING BROKE and surviving on crumbs! i just saw one that said "i make sure to keep $40 in my wallet at all times so i can give $20 to any panhandlers i see, this is the same" and its like!! good for you, thats very nice, but like!!! you need need NEED to take a step back and realize that /being able to do that/ is a position of privilege, not the default setting to be a good person. i wont discount that some people do ignore fundraisers specifically because of racism because Of Course, but like. a) yelling at them isnt gonna make them stop, or more accurately yelling at /everyone else/ isnt gonna make those people stop, and b) trying to apply that as a blanket motivation for everyone just. realistically doesnt work. not donating is a nonaction, it is the literal default status, and while in specific situations you can use CONSISTENT absence of SPECIFIC actions to track a person's motivations SOMETIMES, broadly speaking that just. doesnt work.
there are 8 billion people on this planet. most of them will never know you exist. of the ones that do, most will not be able to help you. of the ones that can, most will not be on the broke bitches website passing the same communal $20 around. consider your audience and stop shitting on fellow poor people for having the gall to need to be careful with their money. and if you are genuinely only posting your fundraiser to tumblr, like. im sorry, but you need to anticipate not reaching your goal and prepare accordingly. theres a reason the last big scam scandal people talk about actually getting the money is like. all-or-nothing era, as a website none of us have the funds to make that kind of thing happen anymore or the security to risk it. a fundraiser not meeting its goal on here is not a personal sleight against whoever made it, its just how life goes sometimes. and it's unfair and it sucks and we should help however we can, but. sometimes you just arent able to help someone else, and continuing to feel responsible serves only to torture yourself. and blaming OTHERS serves only to move that guilt from yourself off onto another person. i imagine that has to be where a lot of the vitriol comes from, is people who cant afford to donate more getting pissed at people they see as having the funds but choosing not to share them, but again, sometimes you just are not able to achieve the goals you set out towards, through no fault of the specific parties involved.
people on tumblr choosing to buy groceries rather than potentially donate to a scam are not your enemy and are not the ones facilitating a genocide. we're all victims of the same horrific system, the question is just how that system manifests its influence on each of us. poverty kills just as thoroughly as a bomb. everyone is just doing their best to survive, and as much as we like to pretend that everyone should be a perfect selfless angel that puts others before themselves no matter what, humans are by default a selfish species, and it is a lot easier to say what youd do in theory than actually do it. and there's a reason you have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person beside you, youre of no help to anyone if youre too dead to do anything.
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i think part of what makes so many people just flock to dungeon meshi as well is that it's also a story involving an autistic main character, who actually IS the main character
Because many stories will have an autistic character in them and then the story is more about how all the neurotypical people AROUND the autistic character deal with the characters autism, and the autistic character ends up as a side-character in a story that's supposed to be ABOUT them.
But in dungeon meshi, Laios especially is so much the main character!
And i know he's not the only one, and not the only autistic character obv, and i know the story isn't about just him alone OR his autism...
But we get Laios' perspective. On just about everything.
The story is, in the roughest terms, about the party venturing into the dungeon in order to save Falin, who got eaten by the red dragon. They're on a time constraint and have no money or equipment except what they literally have on their backs. That's the story.
Another author, a worse author, probably wouldn't have made Laios the party leader. A worse author would've relegated Laios to the "weird, awkward newbie who's excited about monsters but doesn't have the slightest clue or experience with them" who's job would've been to cite fun facts about whatever monster they encounter from some book he carries around, and the main interactions between him and the party would've been them yelling at him or calling him weird, to the point where you're wondering what this characters purpose even is in the story beyond comic relief.
And I'm so glad we didn't get this.
Instead of a story that emphasizes how "weird and unlikable" this weird character is, we get Laios being the partys leader, who, yes, is weird, but also competent and knowledgable and skilled and also is still a full character, with thoughts and feelings of his own, who actually speaks his mind and interacts with others on equal footing, who defends himself when he KNOWS he isn't in the wrong.
Laios and Shuros confrontation is both shocking, and also a huge breath of fresh air.
(Also, i know that "Shuro" isn't his real name but i can't remember his real name and I can't be bothered to look it up rn)
Shuro tells Laios to learn to read the room. A worse author would've had Laios apologize to Shuro for his own incompetence, but instead of meekly accepting that accusation, Laios throws it back in Shuros own face. That Shuro should've just been direct and honest with Laios when he KNEW that Laios wasn't getting it, instead of just playing along and letting that resentment fester.
And Laios is not only shouting it out, speaking his mind, and refusing to be treated as lesser than anyone else just because he can't "read the room", but he's also portrayed as RIGHT!
Shuro would've have had to put up with Laios, whom he didn't like, but whom he let believe that they were friends, if he had just TOLD Laios he didn't like him DIRECTLY.
and look, i know that there's some hints or pages or whatever you wanna call them, that Shuro is also autistic, but comes with a different background, which basically just makes him and Laios incompatible in a certain sense.
But even with all that, Shuro still had no right to fault Laios for his shortcomings, when his own shortcomings played just as much of a role in their eventual confrontation.
And the difference? Shuro KNEW how he himself AND Laios felt, but Laios only knew how he himself felt. Shuro was at an advantage in their situation, and he still faulted Laios and made him out to be this villain, who was purposely trying to make Shuro miserable, when Shuro himself NEVER opened his mouth to correct Laios!
And the thing is, Shuro isn't in the wrong for not liking Laios. Shuro is in the wrong for blowing up at Laios without EVER even giving him the chance to correct his behaviour!
And Laios KNOWS this, and he REFUSES to just apologize for something that wasn't even his fault! How could he possibly have known Shuro didn't like him, when Shuro never gave him any kind of indication of that fact?
And that's just it, isn't it?
Because I know I've experienced this kind of situation, even if exact memories don't come to mind, and I know other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people have experienced this kind of thing. Of someone whom they were just having a normal conversation with or whom they considered a friend, just randomly blowing up at them for no conceivable reason.
From our perspective, the other person just randomly decided they didn't like us anymore, didn't care about us anymore and wanted to be rid of us, or decided we were suddenly just evil, and they got mad at us, yelled at us, called us names, and then just left.
And we're left confused and sad and, having no other information to go off of, because none was given to us, are bound to come to the conclusion that there's something wrong with us. We're just not likeable and any kindness from other people coming our way is just them being too polite to say anything until they've decided they had enough of us and abandon us. Because they never liked us. They were just too polite to say anything until they couldn't take us anymore.
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