#ok the person who hurt me the most besides my mom but thats just like. what parents do

[homoerotvic]

even though you were possibly the one to hurt my feelings the most in my entire life in every single dream you appear in i forgive you

[themoodyestj]

hello "new person" assuming you aren't yet another sock account created by walker girl because she's bored and doesn't have any friends.

for someone who claims to have a brain, you sure bought a lot of the bs walker girl admittedly made up.

just open your eyes, if you really have a brain then use it and realize that hating on Jensen is a futile waste of time.

because he doesn't even know you exist, and everyone else is busy with their own lives.

there's no point to this, you can't help him, or hurt him, and even if you do this just for funsies, because you like to trigger people.

i guarantee, no one gets their day ruined over a stupid post on tumblr, i doubt anyone even thinks about it for more than 5 minutes tops.

so why don't you find something better to do with with your life?

i promise Jensen will be fine he's a grown adult, and he can solve his own problems just fine.

Oh my, my first hate mail. :D I was actually wondering why the AAs were so quiet while raging on in other platforms, and then I noticed my anon asks were off. They're bold with their words but not with their nicknames, am i right? But lets get to business, shall we? hello "new person" assuming you aren't yet another sock account created by walker girl because she's bored and doesn't have any friends. Oh, I take offense to that, delulu person. I am indeed a new person. Or... well, not that new, just started speaking up a bit more recently. I dont intend to prove anything to you, I dont give a rats ass about what you think, really, and im sure it would help your delusion to think that Im someone's double account, but I am not. Fairy Godmother turned me into a real girl, I swear. for someone who claims to have a brain, you sure bought a lot of the bs walker girl admittedly made up. Oh I do have a brain! It's not a claim, it's a fact! My mom got me tested! (Sorry, had to insert a Big Bang Theory joke here) And no, walkergirl is one of the people I read, but not the only one. Many many others share similar opinions, including people in your circle (except you club them to death like baby seals, you big bullies). Also, I have eyes. I can read. I can think. And if you dont mind me saying... dude, strong projection. Im not the one being fed up lies from the media despite a lot indicating the contrary. And I guess it's annoying to you that a lot of people start to to think the same... Fear us, because we are many. Muahahahahah (Not scared yet? Ah well.) just open your eyes, if you really have a brain then use it and realize that hating on Jensen is a futile waste of time. Ok. Read my characters. I DONT HATE JENSEN. I actually love him. And thats why i want to see him grow and be happy. I can love someone and have critical thinking. Imagine what would happen if you raised a child, which is the most love you can feel for someone, and only praise him? Youd get a Duhneel, and honey, no one wants that. One is enough, dear lord!

Besides, you don't get to tell me who I hate or not, delulu person, stop trying to force your opinion on me. Geez. because he doesn't even know you exist, and everyone else is busy with their own lives. Oh I saw that. I saw how people were getting busy with their lives, in fact, I was sent screenshot after screenshot of how people were busy living their lives. In fact, I know you didnt write this message, its your secretary, because youre busy with your life, right? You old geezers, stop trying to pull my leg like that! (LOL) It would be funny if it wasnt so tragic how one simple post from a small blog can rile you all up like that. But golly, am i happy you guys have a life to live! Go live it! there's no point to this, you can't help him, or hurt him, and even if you do this just for funsies, because you like to trigger people. Well, I do it to express my opinion, thats my point, and it so happens to trigger some very sensitive people. Although I dont go shove my truth in their faces, like you are, Im simply... expressing an opinion. Im sure the concept is familiar to you. But if I were trying to trigger anyone... You'd be playing right into my game, wouldnt you? Mindblowing, right? Maybe a teachable moment right there, just saying. i guarantee, no one gets their day ruined over a stupid post on tumblr, i doubt anyone even thinks about it for more than 5 minutes tops. Yeah, we've been over that. Im so happy my post didnt cause any imposition and people were able to live their merry lives without causing much of a fuss. And im grateful you gave me your five minutes of thinking about my post. Thank you for the attention. so why don't you find something better to do with with your life? Because... I dont want to and youre not the boss of me, neiner neiner? But hey, dont lose hope on me so fast, I do plenty of things! Do you want me to share some recipes of food I cooked for the first time this evening so you can use in your life when youre not thinking about me? I could share some! i promise Jensen will be fine he's a grown adult, and he can solve his own problems just fine. Oh, thank you for the reassurance, I was getting so worried about him! Im sure he is in great company, with you people salivating over him. He wont get dehydrated, thats for sure! Now on a more serious note... I really dont know what you expected with this message. To rile me up? To play with my insecurities? For idiotic messages, idiotic answers. You get it as you dish it. May this be a lesson. The thing is, as much as I love Jensen, I will never be so invested in him as you and your delulu friends are, because i keep a healthy mental stance when it comes to celebrities. So I would advise you to really follow your own advice and live your life, and live it well. Don't let my post ruin your day, its just words. And like you said, Jensen doesnt give a crap about any of us, so what would be the point, right? Tumblr is not my life, this is a place where i spend some time, but it doesnt really define me. If you check my blog... you wont find much there. Im not as proliferous as most bloggers, but hey, you sure gave me a run for my money this weekend! Ok, this was fun. See you never.

[justanotherhkfan]

ok im super curious because i saw you post this earlier, but what's all the stuff about you dressing up and being a girl? (also you are free to make this as long as you want if it helps you distract you from your trip ^^)

oh boy. this is gonna be a long response so bear with me guys! :) i am also still very shakey so i might not make much sense but i will do my best to explain it

ok wait this is gonna sound really weird. so in fourth grade i... had to fake my death? listen it sounds worse than it actually was (but to be fair my mom was really upset when it happened and i felt really bad) but i essentially had to fake being a girl to get a cootie catcher from this group of girls. it was really dumb and i didn't really wanna go along with it at first but yknow. what happened happened

so i got to the sleepover and the girls were doing light as a feather stiff as a board and i freaked the heck out because i didn't really understand how it worked (look i was a really stupid kid ok?) and then the girls just started insulting me. like - not even related to me freaking out. i think what hurt more wasn't really them calling me flat (which i mean ok who cares i'm a guy so it's not that bad) and saying my hair was stupid (which was just flat out untrue my hair was beautiful) but it was more when they insulted my personality

it just felt so. idk. hateful? they said that i was going to live alone my entire life and that i was a nerdy dorky geek and i feel like that lived with me past just being a girl. i hid in the bathrooms for a while and i just thought about it because it was so... true? like, the only kid who ever wanted to be my friend constantly involved me in shit like dressing up as a girl for something as stupid as a cootie catcher and everyone else just never really cared about me much. like that time a kid lodged a ninja star in my eye and made me dress up as a dog for... god knows what reason. (why am i always stuck dressing up as something??? whatever)

anyway thats besides the point. basically what happened after is the girls told me they would give me a makeover and kinda apologised without apologising for calling me ugly and flat. and like. after that i just felt... so much better about myself? like i didnt even care about the fact that the girls were being horrible to me before, i looked really pretty and i had a nice dress on and my hair was styled nicely. it just felt good, to be part of something for once and to actually feel really confident

i guess it all sounds stupid when i say it out loud. but i just thought it was nice at the time to be part of something. maybe i wanna be a girl maybe i just wanna be part of a group again but all i know is that getting dressed up and dancing with the girls that night was probably the most fun i've had in ages

[jinxthequeergirl]

For Those You Lost

Simon Kalivoda x reader

Summary: you are forced to mourn for your friends and loved ones, and when you are given the chance to exact revenge, you don't hesitate.

Warning: SPOILERS FOR FEAR STREET 1666 basic horror violence, death, swearing, Implied that Heather was the Readers Older sister.

Consider this a short sequel to "As The World Caves in" in which i change the narritive so the reader is the one exacting revenge on Nick Goode

~~~~~~

You Wish you would have just died that night, even wishing you would have died in the hospital. Instead you where walking around while not only your sister but best friend person you loved where all dead.

Now you where expected to give a speech in front of the whole student body.

It was all fake, the Sunnyvaleiers didn't give a rats ass about your family and friends, they didn't care that you lost the first person you said "I love you too."

No. They where just there because they had to be.

Walking up to the podium seemed to move in slow motion, as everyones eyes followed you, some bored, some annoyed, others not even paying attention. Not a single one shared a mournful look with you.

"Hello fellow ShadySide students and Staff, and hello Sunnyvale." You started having to clear your throat to get rid of the tears that theatened to spill after catching a glimps of Simons Photo in the back.

"We are here today to mourn the loss of three people, Some of you knew them...most...didn't their names where Heather, My...sister,Kate and...And Simon...My bestfriends..." You looked up feom your crumpled note book paper and out intonthe sea of bored highschoolers.

Why hadn't you died that night?

Why hadn't you died in that hospital bed?

Why where you the one standing at that potium?

Why did you have to find the right things to say about your dead friends and family, When no one there would ever really know the truth?

Why?

Why?

Why!?

You froze the thought of Simons face right before he sacrificed himself for you flashing through your mind.

"I can't do this..." You muttered.

"FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU! YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEM! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!" everyone seemed to be intrested now that you where screaming. "FUCK THE NEWS TOO, SIMON AMD KATE WHERE MORE THEN DRUGGIES YOU ASS HOLES!"

You crumpled up the paper throwing it somewhere and storming off, brushing officer Goodes hands off of you as you did so.

That night seemed so far away, now your blood boiled more as you stepped on the gas of The stolen cop car after hearing what Deena had just discovered. "Y/n! Slow Down!" Josh warned.

"Y/n..." Deena said softly putting her hand on your shoulder. "We're gonna stop him." She said in a soft confident voice. "Damn right." You said slowing down just enough to not get the three of you killed, but kept going fast enough to reach Ziggy and Devise a plan.

In the mall the five of you worked hastily to set up the trap for Goode, Ziggy glanced up at you ever now and then before finally coming up beside you.

"I'm assuming you two where close?"

You glanced up at her before quickly looking back down to tie the knot you'd been working on. "Yea...you know...mom was...well it was complicated...Heather...Heather took care of everything for me....I...being alone with our mom now..." Ziggy placed a hand on your shoulder. "I get that..Listen If we make it out of this...and you ever need someone...I Wouldn't mind the company."

"Seriously?"

She nodded, before you could say anything Josh called out too you. "They're here!" Everyone turned to the doors seeinv the nightwing killer come in hastily. You caught sight of the axe in his hand and stared for a moment.

Ziggy grabbed your hand and pulled you behind her to hide. "Ready?" She asked.

You nodded and ran to your battle station.

Everything was going fine, the plan was working you felt confident This would work You Felt like Fred Jones or some shit.

Then he grabbed Ziggy, staining her Sweater With Deenas Blood making her a Target. "Fuck..." You looked over to Josh who shook his head no at you knowing what you where about to do.

You ignored him and took off sprinting across the mall floor to the two of them tackling them to the ground. "Run Ziggy! Run!" You Yelled As Goode now wrestled you.

You gabbed your elbow into his stab wound, causing him to cry out and let you go. You got up running to Ziggy and Josh waving you to them. you barely dodged the skull mask killer ripping the sleeve of your neon stained shirt as you slid under the store gate.

He crashed against it wiggling it attempting to get to you.

"Here have it!" You yelled pulling the hoodie off and sliding it under the gate.

"You ok?"

"Yea..." You panted watching Nick Goode run to an Exit door, Deena Not to far behind. "That shit, I'm going after them." You said.

"Hang on." Ziggy said. "You can't just go out there...they might try to stop you." She said gesturing to the swarm of killers.

"I'm not just letting her go alone!"

Everyone went quiet. "I have an Idea." Martin spoke up eyeing the water guns you carried.

"Hey!" Josh yelled catching the killers attention.

He pumped the water gun before shooting them, ziggy and martin joined him, with in seconds they turned to eachother and started attacking. "That should buy everyone some time." Josh said to you.

"Stay Alive!' You yelled before Taking off in the direction Deena went stopping to stoop down and yank the Night wing killers Axe from the ground.

You followed a trail off blood down the hall and around the corner. "Deena?" She jumped turning to you, ready to stab you. "What are you doing!? Go back!" She said taking your newly obtained weapon.

"No! No way!" You said.

"Listen Ever since the other night I can't help but feel like...like I should be dead too...I Wish I had Died On that Floor with Simon." You choked rubbing away tears. "But... Simon...Simon Sacrificed himself to make sure I was Still Alive And Goode? He killed my Fucking sister...he killed simon." You took the Axe back from Deena.

"So I'm coming with, And I'm going to make sure he gets what he Fucking deserves. " You bit out.

She stared at you for a moment before nodding.

"Then Lets Kill this Asshole." She said with a affirming look. You gripped the axe tightly in your hands as you followed behind her through the tunnled.

"Goode!" She yelled hoping to scare him out from whatever hole he was hiding in.

You stopped nudging her to show her the bloody hand print on the walls

"Where the hell are you coward?"

Something jumped out from the dark taking deena down. "Sam!" She cried as sam attempted to stangle her. You tried to pull the girl off but failed, something caught the corner of your eye. "Y/n...Goode...Go!"

You grabbed the axe and took off after him you got close enough to swing at his legs knocking him down. "Wait wait please..."

"Begging? You think I'm gonna show you mercy?" You asked pinning him down with your foot. "Did you show mercy to my sister? To my friend?" The man babbled hoping to find a way out of this.

"Thats what i thought." You raised the axe and brought it down on his chest.

"This is for Heather you fucking Dick!" "Cindy Berman, Sam and kate!" You cried chopping at him with each name.

You gripped it even tighter before bringing it down on him one more time "For Simon."

You stood above him panting making sure he was gone before you heard coughing. "Sam...Deena..." You ran back to where you left them and found them hugging. "It worked?"

Deena looked up at you with teary eyes. "It worked."

"Good...good lets get the fuck outta here." You said pulling both of them up.

That night seemed like a blur really, it still hurt not having the comfort of your sister or simon around.

But Ziggy was there for you like she promised.

"Hey, I have something for you." Ziggy said as you entered the door of her house.

"What is it?" You asked dropping your bag.

"Deena dropped it off, she wanted to give it to you but she had to get going."

She held out a red hoodie to you. "Where...how did..."

You took it from her holding it up. "She wanted me to tell you it was of course washed, like a lot." She laughed. You pulled it on wrapping it around yourself, it didn't smell like him anymore but that was ok.

[normal-thoughts-official]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST IDEA. But may I also propose: Magnus cursed from a young age (probably bc of Asmodeus) that anyone who touches him is hurt by a blast of magic he can't control. (This may result in his mother's death). He locks himself away of his own will. Alec teaches then that it's fear that makes him lash out. Featuring: touch starved Magnus.

this idea is GENIUS actually and i love it. tbh me and my friend have a similar idea that we talk to each other about (lol) but it isn't a B&B thing, its more of an adventure AU. anyway, lets go!

so in this universe i guess magnus banished asmodeus like in the original sh verse but asmodeus cursed him with the "everyone you touch will be in indescribable pain" thing. maybe just as revenge, maybe to try and use it as bargaining chip because okay magnus, is it freedom that u want? u want to be able to have ur own friends and ur own life? fine. get me back, and ill leave u alone, and ull be free to have friends again. if not, ull be still isolated just like before. so is it gonna be win-win, or lose-lose?

but magnus doesn't budge because he knows that if he lets asmodeus free things will only get worse not only for him, but for the whole world. he is too dangerous to be out there. so, magnus resigns to his fate

and i guess in this version he wouldnt have a lot of close friends because he had been with asmodeus his whole life before he was cursed, so he was just. alone in his self-imposed isolation with no one to talk to. maybe he enchants the furniture so they gain sentience but they can't really feel pain, so at least he has someone to talk to. god im so fucking sad already

so is the furniture his friends in canon? im not entirely sure how i feel about that but also the idea of ragnor as that clock from the original movie is great. thats my most important thought on the subject ngl

btw its 4 degrees Celsius in here so im typing with gloves on so ull have to excuse my typos i am a mere brazilian and i want death

anyway okay so i guess his friends are like pieces of furniture that he spelled into sentience and they aren't his servants or anything cuz that's gross but they just like, hang out. wow im actually managing to type pretty well all things considered

so at least magnus has people to talk to but he's still touch starved because you know... a clock can't hug you and that'd just be weird. maybe them becoming sentient was an accident? lmao like magnus just wanted to automate some functions like having the clock talk to tell him the time or something and it turned out that they became sentient. possibly his magic is a little fucky because of the curse so that's why that happened? or maybe he just is way more powerful than he realizes and we all know he invented the spells he used to try and automate the things anyway. but if he gets people to talk to, well, he's not complaining

im focusing too much on this. anyway. id also like to note that im making rapha the cook/stove thing because i mean, come on. it's right there

and ok i guess alec comes into this because he uhhhhhh no u know i might go with that izzy thing. so izzy ran away from home because of maryse's bullshit and alec was sent to bring her back. so he was going after her but in the middle of the path there was the whole wolf attack thing that scared off his horse and LUCKILY magnus' house/tower/whatever was right next!!! so of course they take alec and his horse in but also WHOOPS there's a huge snowstorm that lasts for days (par the course for where magnus lives, actually. he DID want somewhere people would avoid. but also i think maybe his magic being fucky has something to do with it) so i guess alec is stuck at magnus' for the foreseeable future

which is HELL for magnus because he is terrified out of his mind that they will accidentally touch and alec will be hurt. and like.... his Constant Crave For Touch is already bad on a regular day, but having someone who could actually hug him in theory just makes it worse, you know? he hasn't interacted with other human beings in so long, just having one there is enough to make his need for touch almost unbearable and just... completely constant. it's hell

so magnus is scared, which means that he keeps to himself. so he tells alec not to go into his room, he tries not to eat at the same time, and other stuff like that, bUT his friends keep sabotaging his plans because they want him to have another friend, jesus christ!! (rapha being like "come on now magnus, you don't want my soup to get cold, do you? i'll be deeply offended. i guess you have no choice but to eat with alec". so magnus goes but the first thing he does is magic his regular table into a gigantic rectangular table with 41908410 seats and seat on on the side opposite to alec. alec just sighs

so like he's constantly coming across as rude because he is trying to avoid alec, alec just doesn't know why

but alec is also a stubborn bitch who goes stir crazy and refuses to just sit around isolated doing nothing while they wait for the stupid storm to finally be over so he can go get his sister. and magnus saved his life, so it's the least he can do to repay him in some way. besides, this is what, the first time that he's been completely away from his mom? for such a long time too? and he's finding that he feels... weirdly free and just relieved and he doesn't want to waste that opportunity with standing idly around alone all day. he had enough of that at home, thank you very much

besides yeah magnus is being rude but alec is used to straight up assholes and abusers (jace. i'm talking about jace. also maryse ofc but mostly jace) and magnus is not that. in fact he makes very polite conversation and is actually pretty fun during dinner, all things considered. he's just.... super private, i guess

AND magnus' friends are all being a nightmare with the making them interact so you know. they end up interacting. and alec makes it a point to help him take care of his house because it is a certified Depression Lair™. magnus can take care of it magically but it's like... so dark and almost suffocating at times and there is stuff like bad painting and piping problems that he never bothered to fix because it isn't affecting the functionality too much but it DOES makes life harder and alec "everything must be at 100% always" lightwood is not here for it so for a few days they are working on fixing the house and... magnus actually feels a lot better when the place has actual sunlight and looks inviting and like a home, he has to admit. when he says that to alec it might be the first time he's given him a real smile and man, is alec smitten

sidenote i guess this means that magnus doesn't exactly... dress well in this au lmaoo i mean it makes sense too because canonically magnus uses dressing up as a way to convey an image of power and untouchability and he doesn't really need that in this AU since he is completely isolated. so i guess he is a bit more like twi magnus - bare-faced and wearing comfortable clothes and the like. this isn't a twi au i'm just saying that it makes more sense for him to dress like that in that context

anyway. after the whole house fixing thing, they officially become friends. it turns out that alec also knows a bit about what it's like to feel isolated and touch-starved (altho he's always had izzy to help in that department, but still) and also what crappy parents are like. magnus shows alec his little mirror that he's enchanted to be able to show him anything he wants and how he uses it to be able to see all the places in the world he'd like to visit - he loves people, he loves culture, and sometimes it's all he can do to watch what's going on in Mumbai and it makes him feel a little better, so, he does that. he also admits that sometimes he catches on some drama happening and uses the mirror to see the people involved and make sure they are okay. kinda like a soap opera of his own but he has the means to interfere and help because of magic, so he will have someone who's struggling with money suddenly find hidden cash or have an "unknown dead relative" give them a lot of money in their will, or something like that. and if he also watches some of their personal drama that unfolds, well. he is lonely and it's not hurting anyone

but magnus doesn't tell him about the curse, and he still makes sure to keep his distance. it stings a little to alec, but it hurts magnus the most because fuck, maybe he just desperately needs someone who will give him the time of day, but he likes this guy and that only makes it harder to keep his distance. he makes it a point to always be at at least two arms length from alec, which alec thankfully respects and doesn't try to get him to breach, but. shit. it's still so hard to not want to just rest his head on his shoulder or get a hug or even fucking touch pinkies like stupid children and he can't. alec even once jokingly suggests that they have a ball since magnus doesn't know how to dance and magnus is actually excited for a second before he remembers that he can't, it would have to mean that alec touches him, and he can't

someone - maybe ragnor - even suggests that maybe he could try gloves and heavy clothing so alec isn't really touching him but magnus refuses to try because he doesn't want to risk it not working and alec getting hurt, because he'd never forgive himself. besides, getting a taste would only make it hurt more. he can't. he can't

but it's alright because at least he has some human company - he loves his friends, he does, fiercely, but it's different when they kind of have no choice but to be with him and also are enchanted creatures. he doesn't even know if they aren't nice to him just because he enchanted them into life, even tho to be fair if he had a choice ragnor wouldn't be that grouchy - and alec makes him laugh and gets him and helped make his place feel more like home, a little bit. and he can pretend that he feels the warmth from alec's body when they are sitting by the fire and feed these crumbs to his desperate need for touch and company

and then the snowstorm ends and it's time for alec to go

honestly, alec himself is kind of heartbroken, but- he loves his sister, and he can't just leave her alone in god knows where, even if he dreads the thought of coming back home now that he's been away from his family for so long. but magnus doesn't want to keep him, and doesn't want alec to feel pity for him, so he's all but pushing alec out of the door (not literally, of course. he can't do that, it would mean touching him) all "go, go, you never know when another storm might start. go see your sister. take my mirror, you can find her more easy". and alec's all "but it's been the only thing-" and magnus waves him off, of course, all "i can always make myself another one. besides, you'll have something to remember me by. now go"

so.... alec goes

and hooo boy magnus is heartbroken and a mess because even tho he knew how much having someone else there helped he had almost forgotten what it was like to be the only human in the house. he just feels extra lonely and even kind of bad about it because hey, his friends are there - not that they begrudge him for it, of course. it's not like they don't also hope for the chance to get out of the house and do other things, but well. they can't. so they understand him. and they know how awful he's feeling right then, but what can they do?

meanwhile alec finds izzy pretty quickly - she's living with this one insufferable villager named clary that alec absolutely can't stand, but- she's happy. and she doesn't want to come back, which alec expected, but he finds that he can't actually insist for her to come back. how could he, when he himself doesn't want to go?

and izzy insists that he stays with her - there's no reason for him to come back. they can stay in the village, and work, and build a life for themselves. alec is the only thing she's been missing ever since she left, and in here the both of them can actually be happy. and do it together, like they're meant to

and when he first gets into the village is the first time since izzy ran away that he was hugged and fuck, it's hard to say no to her

but also... he misses magnus already

and he doesn't know if he can just stay and leave him behind

and of course izzy is like "who is magnus?" so alec tells her the story, how he was attacked by wolves and rescued by this house that miraculously was in the middle of the single most inhospitable placealec had ever seen in his life. and the kind but wary stranger who always keeps his distance but seems so eager for connection, who made alec feel welcome and laugh and feel like he built a life for himself there

and clary tells him that she's heard of the story, but she never knew it was more than a legend - no one really remembers what happened. some say that magnus made a sacrifice to rid the village of a demon, and it turned him into a beast, forever locked in his castle. some say that he himself is the demon, and it's the tower that's containing him and keeping the village safe. some even say that he died battling the demon, and it's his ghost that keeps watch on the tower

she wants alec to explain which one is true, but it's all alec can say that none of these are right and he knows nothing because magnus never told him. all alec knows is that he doesn't want to leave magnus behind

and clary is like... well, if he's not a demon or a ghost, maybe we could bring him to the village too. he has magic, right? he could bring the tower closer. and maybe the other villagers could, you know, visit him and hang out. and he wouldn't be as lonely, and then alec and izzy could both stay

driven by this failproof plan, they decide to go back to magnus and tell him their great idea

except they are IDIOTS and forget about. you know. the damn wolves

and like holy shit is this pack big or what? like no seriously why are there infinite wolves in that one singular pack in beauty and the beast. like holy shit dude there's more wolves near the beast's house than in the whole yellowstone park

anyway there are Many Wolves and while alec is a good archer, izzy is a fantastic fighter, and clary is Fucking Crazy if you give her something stabby, there's only so many wolves they can take on at the same time

good thing magnus is a pining idiot who did in fact make himself another magic mirror and was watching alec with it. so he knows that the dumbass is in trouble and for the first time in years, he uses the portal (his own invention, and he had never gotten to use it before!) to get to them and fight off the wolves

so magnus saves all their lives, at the cost of getting severely injured and passing the fuck out. izzy, who's the one closest, runs to get to him and help put him on one of their horses... and is immediately hit by a blast of magic that almost makes HER pass tf out too

which is when they finally learn that, oh. that is the curse

izzy is fine, of course - the pain ended as soon as she was away from magnus

but it does pose the problem of How The Fuck Are They Getting Him Back To Safety, because they can't exactly wait for magnus to wake up (it's freezing, for starters) but with this amount of pain it won't be physically possible for them to hoist him up and get him on the horse. shit, will the curse work on the horse?

they bring alec's horse (by far the strongest of them because alec is huge buff mcgee) and try to get him to touch magnus and the spell does NOT work on the horse because in order to be dramatic asmodeus was like "you shall never feel human touch again" when he cast the spell, which accidentally gave a LOOPHOLE for non-human animals. so magnus could have had cats the whole time, which he had always dreamed of, but he didnt want to risk testing. besides, his house would be a poor environment for a cat and [self torture noises]

anyway thats one less problem to deal with, 99 to go, so they use some ropes to hoist magnus on top of the horse and bring him back to the tower (it's closer than the village) so they can tend to his wounds. thankfully, as the assigned Big Brother of a very irresponsible izzy, alec has experience with first aid, altho he never really dealt with anything quite this bad. and magnus' friends help, too, as much as they can. inevitably this means that alec ends up touching him even if by accident sometimes, but he knows what to expect so he Powers Through It because he won't let magnus die, damn. and as horrible as that is alec has experience with powering through pain, so. he's gonna bandage him up god damn it

izzy can't stand to see him dealing with that himself tho, so she helps, and clary ends up helping as well because they figure sharing the pain makes it easier and alec doesn't have to be too hurt. minimal touching accidents for alec! good

*narrator voice* And Then Magnus Wakes Up And Alec Hugs Him

full on launches on top of him and brings him into his arms and Magnus screams like NONONO OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALEC NO GET OFF ME YOU'LL BE HURT and his shock and distress at the whole thing sends another whole blast of magic that explodes that whole mf before it can touch alec and alec feels no pain and magnus is like.............. did i just COUNTER the spell? and everyone's like well! it looks like u did!

which earns him ANOTHER hug (oh my god alec stop he's so stressed out by this) (who knew alec was so touchy?) and this time he's paying attention to that gut reaction and because magnus is a Certified Magic Genius he realizes what it is that he's doing to counter the spell and immediately starts working on a way to turn this into unhexxing himself for good

which he DOES after some time idk how long but alec stays with him meanwhile and maybe izzy and clary do too, because magnus needs all the company he can get and besides, izzy has always wanted adventure and clary has never left the village before, so this is interesting to them at least. and magnus gets to meet new ppl which is nice

eventually the Begone Spell spell is performed and it works and turns out that when it does that it also unfucks magnus' magic and perfects his sentience spell turning all of his friends into humans WOW WHOD HAVE THOUGHT. so all of them are free to leave the tower as ppl at the same time and GROUP HUG!! and magnus cries like a baby in the group hug because holy shit hes been needing something like this so bad for so long and he never expected to have that with his friends but here he is :)

and then yeah they all move to the village to live a simple but fulfilling life and Magnus and Alec start living together in a little cottage and become husbands the end <3 this is so long too rip me

[grahamcarmen]

Hi, so I just finished the new season today! I have so many thoughts, the last few episodes felt kind of rushed? I wished they had gone about the whole situation between Gray and Carm at the end differently. More so on seeing them reunited. My biggest question, is why was he so quick on going back to VILE? He knew what they were capable of yes, was it to feed his criminal impulses? Why did ever want to steal in the first place? What led him to that conclusion and how did he learn of VILE? I was keen on seeing more of his backstory, and still need time to let the story simmer so I can analyze it more. It's just confusing. I guess it's just because the show ended that I feel so bittersweet y'know. What do you think Carmen would've done after they all disbanded? How could she leave them so quickly after she just got back to Team Carmen in the end? Besides wanting to see her mother. I was hoping they'd at least stay together.

i think that more than a few people feel that ( the knee jerk incredulity at her just leaving them a note and yeeting was real)

like disclaimer again: i do love carmen and this season this is just expanding on some little ??’s

on gray and “thinking gray.”: I was also feeling the lackluster on the payoff motivation wise for gray returning to VILE ( which was definitely needed as he was the secret weapon needed to finally get evil carmen back and at least partially inevitable due to ownership of the choices yadadadada )but like when he finally got his memories back he just repeated some things that i never really doubted. that gray did this of his own free will, he probably is of a lower empathy in general (which does not mean incapable of caring and doing the right thing. just that..~~~), that he regretted hurting carmen. in s1 he says his primary motivation as making more money and i was like”mmhmm fits.” being a thief and all and why not since they hadn’t introduced the big “needs to be able to tie up loose ends.” as a operative qualifier to anyone, including some of the recruits there. the only newer thing was his video that he seeked them out. which is interesting and all but sets him up as a go-getter so its so confusing that he’d choose to return to VILE ...a place where he was hurt and is so freaking selfish with what capers they choose to pursue. i kinda went on a tangent on another post that there is a theme of using a false sense of bonding to give them a little more loyalty which is like really heavy considering that means offering a “home” to what looks like operatives who might all be orphans but i don’t think it was highlighted enough to say “HEY YO” even tho GRAY LOOKS SO TIRED TO LEARN ABOUT HIS PAST WITH VILE

its really interesting because of the 3 people who had access to him/nature we got; carmen who only encouraged his desire to help (for the kiddos, for her safety, for assuring her that they were in...whatever... together, and make sure that they weren’t being secret spy jerks) ACME who got like...0 usefulness (riperonis ma guys), and VILE with maelstrom just hammering home all his shadier deeds with  “YEAH THIS IS YOU.”  AND HIM JUST ACCEPTING IT AFTER SITTING FOR A LONG AF TIME ALONE.

and when this was happening I was thinking about this analysis from another fandom about characters who resign to the law of the strong which could have been a reason for why gray doesn’t seem to hold the consequences for his failure against VILE even though he really should. (if they bothered but listen-)

its something that happens when characters choose to live in worlds they know are unfair, know that they choose to lie and steal and cheat, and thus should not be surprised or hurt when it happens to them in return. which of course lead to them not knowing where to draw the line on what happens to them...and i mean this in like some narratives usually go (hahaha no thats messed up please gtfo being treated like that is not ok and in allowing others to define your limits you are whittling yourself away). and they decide to live in resignation that. i am capable of bad... so i AM bad. (I am that guy. i’ve always been that guy) and makes them absolutely ripe for the (but you’ve been good . you can choose to be better.  it won’t erase the wrongs of the past but it will make for a better future)

but that still leaves exploration of “WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE BY THE LAW OF THE STRONG??” and you know...not having anyone to rely on, poverty, or what was simple rebelliousness turning to darker and darker paths, are some easy reasons to put a spotlight on maybe our operatives having depth and like..arcs. especially any of those reasons combined. ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY’RE WHAT VILE CONSISTENTLY IS SHOWN OFFERING. (shadowsan really is their s-tier character huh)

which i really thought this show would go for when a shivering brunt who is loyal and protective asked if she was really going to be left behind or remember how unsympathetic most of them seemed to see carmen chloroformed because “she did interrupt our heist.” meaning that they understand this world. probably have understood it for longer than anyone should. (antonio being content as a “pawn” is the tenant in my head today) and why shouldn’t more money be important. or honestly how simple it was to accept that someone would just need more money.

with gray they introduced that he could be good and he could be bad but like leaned into “no all that niceness was fake and he’s bad.” due to the hyper specificity of the mind wipe apparently? which also leans into really flat interpretation of evil!carmen (i just mean that there is a lot there ...) meaning theres no really exploration of him and more of a judgment (even though he’s shown to be kind, snarky, and upfront, as himself without a mind wipe.) and then we wait...

the pacing of the last 2 episodes: adrenaline bebe!!! but also there were so many concepts being introduced and resolved and skimmed past so that it is a little confusing at some conclusions. like the scene you’re talking about where carmen just leaves a note and ghosts is like 30 seconds and thats a lot to unpack because ?? i’m really thinking that it might have been insinuating that carmen left them the pen specifically to give them a new home to wait for her because she was going on that little break like she planned (and they knew was the endgoal) because it was behind her note and presumably placed by her but because i was focusing on the letter goodbye like ??? i thought for some reason that it was zack saying he would now like to try ACME because HE thought of it and i was like ??when did you consider this?? and 3rd watch i was finally “ahhh ok ok i think i get it.”

another bitten off scene i think might have been when gray in his first mission is already exhibiting signs of going...”huh this is not good.”

from stopping carmen from unprofessionalism to seeing that new carmen is willing to up and leave the group for mental gymnastics instead of relying on them 100% to going to the ferris wheel where he DEFINITELY SAW HER TRYING TO KILL A CIVILIAN since it showed his reaction after ivy’s. and then it turn to team red because how they feel about it definately matters more than gray but its also so easy to miss that choosing to have gray witness that as the start of what makes him turn himself in (maybe this is just a possible interpretation and its midnight ok)

evil carmen! lost her empathy. ok. so then like thats a static judgment about how they’re gonna make her do bad stuff and she still absolutely cares about her history and VILE still needed to enforce bonding and giving her memories that they comforted her and gave her her coat so thats why she cares about it and her anger at betrayal and sense of loss that she still throws right in shadowsans face when “evil”

carmen thought she crossed a personal line?? like jeeeeeez that’s 6 months of crossing lines and the most recent and horrifying one happened like not even a minute ago and then 5 seconds later we get chief and her reconciling because yes it needed to happen so we’re not gonna address how traumatizing it was or

VILE JUST WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN HUH??

and all these things are important and have the groundwork for happening but man they just happen one after the other and its like

before moving on to the next thing and like let me breathe omg

and yeah that means that so many people were left confused because the show about family (carmen’s family that SHE built ) seemed to disband for carmen to go to see her mother at last alone, shadowsan to go to his brother and a heartbroken pair of red heads to join ACME

and we get a time gap before reuniting but only a few seconds to decide if reuniting was the plan all along(the pressure point)

and there is a lot of actual IN TIME that is broad strokes that many people have already picked whats going to haunt them that wasn’t explored more...

TLDR; i get it on both counts (gray and rushed)! glad there was some sweet in your bittersweet and since canon definitely had team red in the same place they absolutely reunited and moved back into the shop and carmen talked to them about how great her mom is and planned a dinner

[modern-fae-female]

Elorcan Modern AU Chapter 6 Lorcan’s POV

She just had to show up with the rest of her friends to see me, the Cadre, and Maeve arguing and taunting them. Then of course Maeve hade to go around calling her the ‘crippled girl.’ Usually I would go along to the names Maeve would call people, but for some reason that made me angry. I felt the sudden urge to tell her to shut up, but I held back because I know it would make tonight more awkward and I didn’t want her to be angry at me. I had zoned out again until I heard Maeve say we were leaving and I walked out with them to head out to football practice, sadly Dorian, Rowan, Aedion were also on the team which meant we were going to have to deal with them. I got to the locker rooms with the Cadre and got my uniform on. I could still feel the rage I had from Maeve taunting Elide and I hoped that I could get it to stop during practice. 

“ Alright boys, stop frolicing around and get into formation and do some run and catches, pair up.”

Luckily I got paired up with Gavriel, one of the members of the Cadre I could stand most of the time. 

“ So, your going over to Maeve’s tonight?” he asked.

“ Ya, why?”

“I heard during class, just wondering since she’s never had just you over before, right?”

“ Not that its any of your business but yes.”

“ Well good luck, she can be pretty unpredictable when she asks you over.”

“ What do you mean?”

“ Well I know what your thinking why she's asking you over, but when she asked me over she asked me to do some jobs for her.”

“ What kind of jobs,” now I was confused,

“ Like you said earlier, none of your business.”

We did some catches and played some runs until practice was over. It was now 5:00 and I knew I had to head over to Maeve’s in a little bit. I didn’t want to head home so I just decided to visit the library and get some work done until I had to head over. 

I got on my motorcycle and drove to the library and walked in. Surprisingly

“ I went there quite often so I smiled to Mr.Illias as I walked in and went to my usual spot, a table beside the window where you could see most of the city. It calmed me, to see the outline of the city, its lights, the people walking by, the sun setting over the horizon. I sat down and pulled out my bag to do some work. I did some math and science until I pulled out the debate papers. How was I going to work with Elide on a six week project when I couldn’t even stand up for her today. I thought we made good progress during class, I don’t usually do small talk but with her it was easy, and now she probably hates me again. Great job Lorcan, you’re back at square one. I looked at the time, 6″15, shit! Maeve;’s house was at least 20 minutes away with no traffic, but it was rush hour. Maeve was not a patient person and I didn’t want to make a bad impression as it was my first time over alone. I quickly packed up all of my stuff and got on my motorcycle and drove as quickly as I could over to her house. I pulled into her driveway and ran up to the door and rang the doorbell. After a minute her maid opened the door nodded at me and let me in. She pointed me up the stairs and to Maeve’s room. Maybe Gavriel was wrong, maybe she did love me back and wanted to get together with me. I knocked and walked in to see her sitting at her vanity pulling up her hair.

“ Lorcan, so glad you could come.”

“ Of course.”

“ Now down to business,” wait what, “ You know that little new crippled girl, Elide Lochan?”

And there it was again, the rage, and like before I resisted the urge to tell her to shut up.

“ Yes I know her, I sit next to her in history and she’s my partner for the debate project.”

“ Exactly, that’s why you are the perfect person for this job,” what job is she talking about that had to do with Elide, “ We both know that Aelin the bitch and her little group of pathetic friends are always nice to everyone, but they were exceptionally quick to make her part of her little group and I want to know why. I know that there is some dirt there so I want you to find out everything you can about our little Lochan.”

“ Why is this so important,” now I was annoyed. I didn’t want to hurt Elide. 

“ Lorcan, think about it. There is a reason that the little queen bitch snapped her up so quickly. There may be some dirt on them that we can find out and take our revenge on them.”

“ What exactly do you want me to find out?”

“ Anything, I’m planning to have this year be our best yet and I have some big plans for the school and I don’t want anyone interfering, so you find out anything that will make the rest of the student body turn on them and love me.”

Of course Maeve some clever plan, but did it have to involve Elide. Wait what am I thinking? Maeve is asking me personally to help her with a big job and I’m second guessing it. What is wrong with me, Maeve is everything and Elide is nothing. I should have no guilt about this, so why do I do?

“ Can I rely on you to find this information for me Lorcan?”

“ How am I supposed to get that from her?”

“ I don’t care, you have six weeks of working on a project with her and thats when I need all the information possible by. Befriend her, make her fall in love with you, threaten her, I don’t care, just get it for me, and maybe I will give you a little reward.

I defiantly wouldn’t threaten Elide, but befriending her or making her fall in love with me. I didn’t know how to do either. My ears perked up at the little reward Maeve would give me. I could do this. I mean I’m Lorcan Salvettere for gods sake. I’m Maeve’s most loyal follower, member of the Cadre, feared my most in school, and star player on the football team, I could totally get information from a little new girl, right? 

“ So, do we have a deal Lorcan?” I looked up to see Maeve right in front of me with those eyes looking at me, she new that I would do anything to be with her. 

“ Ya, we have a deal.”

“ I knew I could count on you,” she said while dragging her nail up my arm and to my shoulder and leaning up to my ear, “ And don’t fail, remember your reward.”

I nodded and I knew I was done here, so I walked out and back to my motorcycle to head my foster home, which my great luck just happened to me Fenrys and Connall’s family. They had known my parents and when my dad left when my mom was pregnant and my mom died when I was 8 years old, I was put in the system. I was in and out of a few families but managed to still be in the Adarlan school district. After a couple more years Fenrys and Connall family had taken me in. They are very nice, but it still doesn’t feel quite like home. I pulled into the house and walked into the home to my Rottweiler, Hellas, jumping on me.

“ Omph, really Hellas, I just walked in.”

“ Lorcan sweetheart, how was school,” Mrs.Moonbeam asked.

“ It was fine, have a big debate project.”

“ Oh Fenrys told me about it, he said you got paired with a new girl, Elide Lochan.” 

“ Uh ya, I did.”

“ Well be nice to her, I’m sure its hard moving here after most people there have known each other for years. Well we just ordered pizza tonight so you can get a slice and do what you need, don’t forget to take Hellas for a walk soon.”

“ Thanks.” 

I walked into the kitchen and washed my hands and got slices and walked up to my room. They had a big house so luckily we all had own rooms. Mine was very minimally decorated, it had some rock posters, my guitars, motorcycle helmets, my bookshelf which had lots of books, my desk, and bed. I walked and sat down on my bed and pulled out my phone. I had a text from an unknown number.

>> Hey, its Elide, your debate partner. Rowan gave me your number and I just had a couple questions to ask you about the project.

She got my number from Whitethorn? Now I had Maeve’s job to think about which weighed on my chest. How would it end, but that was to think about later, might as well try to befriend her. 

<< Hey, and I know who you are Elide. And what questions.

>> Um.. did you want to start some things on your own before Wednesday or did you want to completely start then?

<< I did a little research about what the case was today so if you want to do that we can then cover the basics when we meet.

>> Sounds good! Thanks for letting me know.

<< Yep...

>> Everything ok?

>> I wanted to say sorry about after debate. I didn’t know Maeve would call you that

<< oh, it’s fine.. I expected it. I was just sad that you were there.

>> What do you mean?

<< Well when we talk you seem so nice, but then I see you with her and your a different person, someone who I don’t like. 

Is that how she saw me? She didn’t like me?

<< Don’t get me wrong, you seem like a good person, but I just don’t know why you act like two different people.

>> I don’t.. at least not on purpose. Maeve and the Cadre are my friends and I do what I can to please them. 

<< That doesn’t sound like friendship.

>> What do you know about friendship?

<< Well friends should accept who you are and make you the best version of yourself.. you should feel happy and accepted with your friends

>> Are you saying that I’m not.

<< I’m just answering your questions, I don’t get to chose what friends you make. 

>> Ya, you don’t. 

<< Well... I have some things to do, see you tomorrow. 

>> See ya. 

Well... this year got off to an interesting start. 

@bri-loves-sunflowers

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[huckleberrysclutterbucket]

LOSING CONTROL

Lucas tries to keep his temper under control, but sometimes is just imposible.

Lucas POV

Control, is a small word with a big meaning. My dad used to say after I got in a fight, “If you could control your temper, you wouldn´t be in this situation”. I got sent to the principal´s office several times, I got suspended twice. My dad had business in New York and saw an opportunity to help me start over. And I did. I had everything under control, or so I thought.

First day, I haven´t even reached school, I meet this girl, she walks up to me like she owns the freaking subway and makes a number for her friend. They are both cute. The fisty one is named Maya and the other one Riley. I get to school and enter my new classroom, I was held back a year since I spent most of it in detention or suspended, and to my surprise, both girls are in my class. And to top it all, my history teacher is Riley’s father. 

As soon as Maya recognize my accent, I was doomed. She wouldn’t waste a chance to call me names and make fun of me. Little did she knew, instead of irking me, I loved those names she gave me, Huckleberry, Sundance Kid, Ranger Rick. All western. The girl did her homework, she knew what I liked. It was time for me to find out what she liked and get to her. 

As time passed, we became friends, even Farkle accepted me in his group. Riley was the one who kept us all together, even in the most difficult times, she always had faith in our friendship. I did noticed the moon eyes, she likes me, really likes me, in a romantic way, but I’m not into romantic stuff, so I never really asked her out. I was more intrigued about Maya, she’s more about act first think later, kinda reminds me of myself. Tuff exterior and soft in the inside, like a lobster. I wonder what made her put up all those walls around her. It seems like the only person she lets in is Riley. I really wanted to get to know her.

Everything seemed to be under control, untill Maya asked me to beat up a kid that was bulling Farkle. I worked so hard to keep my temper under control, change my old ways. I told her we shouldn’t use violence, it never ends well. We were in gym class when Billy, my team mate, started bulling Farkle, I lost my temper and pushed Billy, I had him pinned to the wall and was about to trow the first punch when Maya jumped on my back and stopped me. “Lucas, don’t!” “Isn’t this what you wanted Maya?” “No. Thats what he wants, he wants you to be like him” Hearing her anxious words in my ear and feeling her heart beating so fast on my back made me realize that she was scared. I imediately returned to my calmed self and talked some sense into Billy. That was the first time I almost lost control. If it wasn’t for Maya, I would have ended up in a fight again.

Valentines day came, and this girl asked me out, Missy Bradford. She was the most popular girl in our grade. Then something funny happened, Riley got jelous. She looked so cute all mad about it. I had a talk with Farkle about the girls, he knew them better anyways. That’s how I learned that Farkle was inlove with both Riley and Maya, and he wanted to know if I would ask one of them out, so he could ask the other. That was weird, so I asked “And what if I pick the other one?” and he just said “Then I get the first one! how long do you wanna play this game?” Was this a game for him? Ok then. I can play along. 

Maya, had other plans in mind, she asked me out instead, the girl has nerve and wasn’t going to sit around waiting for us to make a choice, and I’m not afraid to admit I kinda like that about her. She told me to pick her up at Riley’s and I was so thrilled to do so, but I was ambushed. Maya set me up to date Riley, luckly Mr Matthews wouldn’t let her go unless Maya and Farkle came too, as long as she was there I didn’t care. The four of us took the subway, I kept stealing glances at Maya  and noticed she kept looking at some older guy a few seats ahead. Suddenly she walked straight to that dude and started talking to him, was she flirting? Riley noticed me staring at Maya and explained to me. Josh Matthews, he was her uncle. And apparently Maya had the biggest crush on him.

Maya sat beside Josh, and after a few words were crossed I could tell he said something that hurt her feelings. He got off the train on the next stop, leaving Maya with sad eyes. I wanted to punch that guy so much. I almost did, but then I remembered I was supposed to be dating Riley. I told her to go sit with Maya and see if she was ok, but Maya pushed Riley back to me. That’s when Riley fell on my lap and kissed me. It lasted just a second, but I stood frozen, it seemed like time had stopped. I just sat there, wondering if anybody else saw that, more like, wondering it Maya saw Riley kissing me. I didn’t tell anyone about it.

No one knew about my conflicted past, untill Zay came along with his big mouth. That month his family moved to New York, and my old childhood friend transfered to this school too. He’s only been here a week and I’ve already got in a fight. All the work I put on having my temper under control goes to hell. His big mouth got him in troube with a senior and I had to get in troube to save his ass, again. I got detention for friday after school. Thanks a lot Zay. To my surprise Maya was there too. She got in trouble but wouldn’t tell me why. I walked her home after detention, I find out her mom works until late and her dad is not around since she was 5, we were in detention together a few times after that. Apparently she doesn’t like to do homework. I must confess I got into a few fights just to get in detention so I could walk her home.

I always sat behind Maya, that way was easier to catch on the details. I still wanted to get to know her. That’s how I noticed all the little drawings on the edge of her notes. She hated science and chemestry, I was her lab partner, it was basically like having no partner at all, she would fall asleep in my hand, literally. But I didn’t mind. I even liked to do all our projects together, more like me doing the project while I watched her sleep or doodle. Sometimes I took her to my house so that she would fall asleep in my bed. How I loved to smell my pillow. The scent of her shampoo lingered for a while after she was gone.

We had a school dance, the semi formal. I was supposed to ask Riley to go to the dance with me, but I never did. I asumed we were all going together as a group. However, Charlie Gardner had other plans, he asked Riley to be his date to the semi formal when I failed to do so, and she said yes just to try to get me jelous. I was kinda not okay with her childish behavior, so I got irritated but then again, Maya didn’t had a date, and I finnaly had a chance to dance with her. And I did. 

At school things were not going great. Not only I had a bunch of homework and projects, but the Art class was about to be canceled. Is the only class Maya actually enjoys. Even when Maya said she was ok with it, and that it was just a class, or just a hobby, I knew her better by then. That class was very important to her, it was her escape from all the stress in her life, I could see that sadness in her eyes and I couldn’t stand it. We did all we could think of to convince the board to keep the arts program at school. And we succeded.

Riley’s and Maya’s friendship used to be the strongest, but now it seemed so fragile, to the point of crazyness. Me and Maya were voted as “best couple” on the yearbook, and when Riley and Farkle noticed, it was like if all hell broke loose. Riley was sinking into depressed Riley wich she called Morotia M Black. Maya tried to bring her back by pretending to be Riley. Farkle was angry too because he wanted to be “taken seriously”. I didn’t understand what was happening back then because I’ve always taken him seriously, but he changed his style and now he wanted to be called Donny Barnes. It seemed to me there was someone else he wanted to impress. Someone in particular that he wanted to notice him or to take him more seriously.

Zay told the girls about my accident riding a sheep when I was four. On vacation we went to Texas, more like Riley and Maya signed me up to ride a sheep to “overcome my fear of falling from Judy”. I would have appreciated their effort if it wasn’t for the fact that grown men don’t ride sheep, they ride bulls. So accidentally they signed me up to ride a freaking bull named Tumbstone, like if the name didn’t freak me out enough. What the hell were they thinking? Riley was trying to cheer me up, “You can do it Lucas, You’ll do great” but Maya, she knew how scared I was, and she knew why. I could die or get seriously injured. “If you do this, I’ll never speak to you again” she told me. But Pappy Joe was proud of me for doing this, and had already told all the town I was doing it, leaving me no room to back off from it without looking like a coward. Even though I didn’t got hurt and I could only ride the bull for four lousy seconds, it was enough to hurt Maya’s feelings.

That night we made a bonefire, we sat around it and talked, Riley broke up with me finally. She told me that Maya teases me because she’s attracted to me. Zay left with Riley and Farkle to “get ice cream” wile I talked to Maya alone. I asked her myself about it and she denied it. Against my better judgement, I lost control of myself again, I wanted to hear her say it so bad, I push and cornered her, “If you don’t like me, then why do you make fun of me? And why didn’t you wanted me to ride the bull?”  “Because I didn't wanted you to win and get all coincided”. Yeah right... Lamest answer. I knew I was getting close to a confession, so I kept pushing her “Why do you make fun of me?” “Because you’re easy to make fun of” “That’s not it” I walked so close to her, I could almost hear her heartbeat “Because you are a Huckleberry” she was becoming more agitated and kept yelling all this western nicknames at me. I couldn’t take it anymore, so the moment she hahurred in my face, I reached with both hands for her face and I kissed her. It was a soft kiss and it ended too soon but it worked, she stopped. And most importantly, she let her walls down. “Why did you do that?” She asked me. I was dumbstruck... I had kissed her. I didn’t knew what to do next. What should I say? “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t know how to make you stop” Now I was too nervous. I blew it… from all the things I could have said... I apologized? “Don’t have to be sorry. Of course I like you Huckleberry, if you got hurt I don’t know what I woud have done”. I made her say it, and I didn’t felt any better about it.

Back home we were all a wreck. Riley was still upset about me liking Maya, and she started going out with Charlie Gardner. How I hate that guy. Farkle started dating Smackle, and I asked Maya out. We had a smoothie, well my head had a smoothie, my “I delivered a baby horse” line didn’t work on her. I should have known that it wouldn’t. She’s not like other girls, she isn’t looking for a prince or a hero to save the day. I was in real trouble, Riley was so easy to impress, she was happy to hear my cowboy adventures. But Maya made fun of me, I had to work hard if I wanted to impress Maya.

New year came, Riley made a party in her house. Oddly enough, it was Charlie the one who invited me, so irritating, but everything about him was irritating. At the party, Maya and I couldn’t catch a break. We sat alone by the baywindow only to be third wheeled by Riley. Then we were having this moment, at the balcony, it felt so romantic and I was about to lean in for a kiss, when Farkle came running and ruined the moment by announcing “Riley still loves Lucas”. Wait what? Seriously? Then Riley broke up with Charlie. I wasn’t going to break up with Maya. Not a chance.

That’s how we started this weird triangle thing. Maya wouldn’t go out with me anymore since Riley was back in the picture. Their friendship was healing and they didn’t want to hurt each other. We tried to be just friends for a while, but the truth is, we couldn’t. I like Maya way too much.

We started High school and it was full of changes and new challenges. Both girls introduced me as their boyfriend, I could hardly keep up with them both, and to top it all, Riley demanded too much attention. She was naive and gullable, we had to keep an eye on her all the time, I snaped a few times at Riley, Maya tried to stay out, but everytime Riley would ask Maya to scream at me too. It was getting ridiculous. So Maya decided to drop out, she broke up with me and asked me to “go tell Riley that you love her”. I could never say no to her, so I stayed with Riley. When she asked about Maya, I was honest and told her the truth “She’s the one who sent me to you”. She didn’t seemed to mind, she was happy I stay even if that meant loosing Maya. I wasn’t too happy.

I went out with  Riley for a while, untill she moved to London, we never officially broke up, the relationship just froze. Her mom got a very good job offer and her whole family moved. We tried the long distance thing but it was harder than I thought. Specially after I found out that the only reason Maya broke up with me was because Riley’s uncle told her to. Josh and Maya started dating after that. Not that you could call that dating. He was in college and hardly got any time to see her, she spent most of her time alone in Toppanga’s coffee shop reading some novels. I know because, after Riley moved to London, I started going there too to keep her company. We had good times there. 

It was like going back in time, back to when we used to date. But this time she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend, only they weren’t here. I spent almost all afternoons with Maya, we became very close friends. Except when Josh was “available”. I really hated that guy, and I could tell he felt threaten by me. One time we had an argument, after that He tried to stop Maya from hanging out with me, as if someone could force Maya to do something. She broke up with him after that. Farkle and Izzy broke up too, and before we knew what was happening we all went our separate ways. Zay and Izzy started a relationship, hanging out on their own. Farkle stopped hanging out with us too. Somehow now that he was single he seemed to be very busy, on his computer or his phone, but always talking to someone. I spent almost all my free time with my football friends, at parties or with Maya. Mostly with Maya. We would have movie nights. It started as a group thing in the livingroom, but since Zay, Farkle and Izzy ditched us most of the times, we stopped inviting them. Now it was just the two of us, laying on my bed, talking and watching movies while we ate junk food untill we fell asleep.

We were watching one of those teen movies, when the typical sex scene began. Maya started a conversation. A sex talk to be exact. “Huckleberry, do you think we should have sex right now? I mean not you and me, but you and Riley, and me and someone else?” “Why now?” “Because, you’ll be 18 very soon, and Riley is only 16, it would be ilegal, and right now is not” “But I’m not in a hurry to have sex. Besides, even if I wanted to, Riley is in London” “But, she’ll be back for the summer, after prom” “Like I said, I’m not in a hurry to have sex,” “But, doesn’t it bothers you to be the only guy in the football team with a V card?” “Does it bothers you?” “No. but is different with guys. I’m sure they must have teased you about it” “Well, they don’t know I’m a virgin. They think I have too much sex actually” “Really? With whom?” How can I explain to her that every guy in the team thinks she’s my girlfriend and they know we hang out in my bedroom, almost daily.

Here it goes... “Remember when we were freshmen and you told everybody you were my girlfriend?” “Yeah, so?” “Well... They also know that you and I hang out in my room most afternoons” “How would they know that?” I reach for my phone in my jeans and give it to her. She looks at me because she knows which picture I have as background, she took it herself. Is her in my bed, wearing just my jersey and I’m shirtless next to her. “This doesn’t prove anything” she says but I tell her to unlock it, she knows my passcode. And I see her questioning face. “What am I supposed to do with this?” “Read” I’ve been ditching my friends to hang out with her and it has been buzzing with stupid ass coments about my sex life all day. Is a group chat with the football team. I already know what it says but I wait for her to read it. “Friar? you in for later?” “We are at Ross house.” “WHERE RU?” “You coming?” “He’s coming all right. In the gf” “He’s Banging the GF?” “They allways banging” “I’m so jelous” “You dog” “Too much sex has to be bad for your game” “Dude, he killed last game!” “Then keep it up” “Is up allright” “hahaha” “LOL” ...

She stops reading the texts and looks at me with horror in her eyes once the realization of what’s going on hits her. “So they think we are having sex? Like right now?” “Yes. Basically.” “oh my god, they think I’m a whore!” “No no no. They think you’re my girlfriend” “Why didn’t you tell them I’m not?!” “Would you rather let them think we have casual sex?”  “No! No wonder no one ever asks me out. I’m sigle and a virgin because of you!” “Would you rather loose your virginity to some idiot who would dump you next week?” “Yes! Damn it. I don’t wanna be a virgin anymore. I’ll even give it up to the next guy that asks me out!”

And right there I lost my temper again. The single thought of someone else touching her drove me mad, “I would never allow that! Everyone knows you’re off limits!” “Why would you do that to me?!” “I didn’t do it by myself you know! You are the one taking intimate pictures, cheering at my games, waiting for me after practice, I drive you everywhere, you wear my letter jacket like a girlfriend would.... You even sit on my lap for christ sake! What do you think it looks like when you spend the night in my bed?! Even my mom gives me freaking condoms because she thinks we’re fucking!” I knew I shouldn’t have said that the moment it came out of my mouth. Me and my goddamn temper. 

I was livid, and Maya was furious at me. “Even your mom thinks I’m a whore! I’m a virgin whore. What are the odds?...”  “You’re not a whore… They think you are my-“ “Don’t you dare say girlfriend, because you know is not real!” “WAKE UP MAYA! Is as real as if we were already fucking!” “SHUT UP! You’re Riley’s boyfriend!” “Pff please… we both know that relationship died way before she even left” “I can’t believe this... How could I be so stupid?” “Why don’t you admit that you like to pretend to be my girlfriend” “No, I don’t!” I had to make her say it “Then why are you here Maya?” “Because you invited me to watch a stupid movie!” “No. Why are you here, with me, in my bedroom?” With every word, I would take a step closer to her, until I cornered her to the wall. “Why spending the night in my bed when you know very well spooning you gives me a raging boner?” “I didn’t know.” “Stop... just stop lying already!” I was angry and I reached the wall, “What do you want me to say? That I want to lure you into having sex with me?” I had her trapped between me and the wall, I slammed my palms to the wall, on each side of her head “No! That you still love me! Because you know damn well that I still do!” I crashed my lips and claimed hers.

For the second time in my life I kissed Maya Hart, only this time I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t a nervous kid and she wasn’t a scared little girl anymore. We had all this sexual tension and frustration we were eager to let out. She kissed me back with the same lust as me. Having her in my bedroom was just asking for trouble. She wanted sex and I was dying to give her just that. I slid my hands from her back to her waist, then down her  hips, to her ass and held her up, she wrapped her legs on my waist grinding her hips to me, and I was gone. I lost control to my hormones. Next thing I know, I had her on my bed, me on top of her. My hands touching all her curves, Maya’s legs arround me and pulling me down, between her legs, I’m grinding myself to her, enjoing the feeling of that friction and her soft moans. I was about to make the rumors true, already yanking the elastic band of her underwear, but then my mom walked in. She slammed the door and as she walked down the hall I heard her mutter “Just friends my ass”.

I got off of Maya as fast as I could “Fuck! Fucking freaking fuck!”, she was panting. I turned to watch the tv, the movie was over, the music and credits were on. We calmed down a bit, she sat on the bed, and some tears ran down her cheeks as she fixed her clothes. I made her cry. I sat on the bed with her. “I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t planned this” “How could I let this happen? I’m so stupid. What’s gonna happen when Riley comes back and someone tells her that you and I.” “I’ll tell her the truth, and then I’ll break it up, officialy” “She’s gonna hate me” “She knows our thing is over Maya. We haven’t even talked for weeks” “This can’t happen again. Never!” She put her sneakers on and ran away from me, out of my room, and out of the house. My mom was in the kitchen. “Isn’t your girlfriend staying for dinner?” “Not my girfriend mother. And No, we weren’t having sex, we were just making out. If we ever decide to have sex, I’ll wear those damn condoms.” I told her very irritated and ran after Maya.

She was walking down the corner when I caught up with her, and conviced her to get on the car so I could drive her home. I could tell by her red cheeks that she was very embarassed about what was about to happen in my room. “Maya, don’t worry. If it makes you feel better, tomorrow morning I will tell everybody we are both virgins” “I don’t care about that.” “Then what is it?” “We were about to... This is going to kill our friendship” “I’ll deal with Riley when she gets back. But right now, we need to talk about what just happened” “I can’t do this... we have to stop” “Believe me, I tried to stop, but I can’t. I’ve tried for so long, and I’m done holding back” “I can’t” “I’m loosing my mind here Maya, I have these intense feelings for you that you were reciprocating just a few minutes ago” “We can’t be friends anymore Lucas” “We were never just friends Maya, the scene in my room just proved it. You’re just too stuborn to accept that” We stopped movie nights until we could figure our relationship out. Maya was avoiding me at school, with all the finals, and prom everybody was too busy to even notice, and the ones who did, just pinned it for a couple’s argument.

End of term came sooner than expected. And so did a certain brunette. It was the week before prom and I had just asked Maya to be my date. Flowers, ballons, chocolates, the whole thing. I wanted her back in my life. She said yes. I came back home and Riley was at my door. “Riles, hi” “hey! I’m back” “Yes, I can see that... Come in. So what brings you here?” “I came to be your prom date, I meant to surprise you in school but you were gone and I had an interesting chat with some of your friends” “Yeah, we need to talk” “About you screwing my best friend behind my back?” “Oh... so, you heard” “All the fucking school knows. It’s humiliating!” “Yeah... But it isn’t true” “what about all these pictures in your locker?” I had forgoten about all the photos I had in my locker, nothing bad, just some pictures of me and Maya, movie night, parties, after a game, and my favorite where she had my letter jacket on because it was cold that night.. “You went trough my stuff?” “Was it a secret? I kinda had the impression it was public knowledge”

It wasn’t the fact that Riley didn’t believe me, or trusted me, I didn’t cared about that. It was the fact that the lie would ruin Maya’s and Riley’s frindship that made me confess all of it to Riley. “It was all fake Riley, you should know by now, Maya wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. She didn’t even knew about that stupid rumor until recently, and honestly I didn’t care enough to tell people it wasn’t true”. “But why?” “Because I like spending time with her, we have fun together, and it was easy to let the guys think whatever to get them off my back and hers” “Do you love her again?” “I never stopped loving her Riley, but you already knew that.” 

“You look happy together in all those pictures” “Yeah... that’s probably because we are.” “So, how does it work? She pretends to be your girlfirend?” “No Riley, we are not pretending, we just hang out together, like we always have, without labels. At least that was untill last week” “What happened last week?” “I told her about said lie. We had a fight and then I kissed her. But before you jump into conclussions, you should know that she freaked out and ran away from me” “She still loves you” “I know she does” “But she’ll never admit it” “Because she thinks you still love me. She cares more about you than herself” “Was she happy?” “The happiest I’ve ever seen her”. Somehow, even when she was the same Riley, she seemed different, more mature. She wasn’t really mad at me. She just seemed lost in thought. “I go away for a few months and you all wonder like scathered sheep” she joked. Riley excussed herself and left to go find Maya. Baywindow duty, and I’m guessing trying to fix all this mess we were in. I just hope that I didn’t ruined their friendship. Maya would never forgive me otherwise.

Maya called me that same afternoon, saying she couldn’t be my date to prom. She was still going, just not with me. I guessed it had something to do with Riley, but I wasn’t going to go with Riley so, I refused to go.  I was tired of falling into that game. I decided to stop playing it. Prom day came, it was a clouded sky that day, and so was my brain. I decided to show up last minute, I had to see her on her dress. I changed to my formal clothes, my cowboy hat, my rose, and I drove to prom. As soon as I got out of my car, it was pouring rain, I walk down to the door and stoped, right there trough the glass I could see her. She looked beautiful, dancing and spining on the dancefloor, her bouncing golden curls, sorrounded by all her friends, Izzy, Zay, Riley and Farkle, all together again, it seemed so surreal.

As they were dancing, Riley caught my eyes, she was staring at me, watching me with a devilish smile, while Maya was dancing oblivious to us. Then I remember why I liked Riley, she just had to fix everything. From where I was standing outside in the rain, I couldn’t hear a word, but I saw Riley lean into Maya and whisper something to her ear. Maya nodded, and closed her eyes happily. I didn’t loose her from my sight, as Riley took Maya’s hands and led her right in front of me. I was breathless, watching her laugh with her eyes still closed. Riley made eye contact with me and opened the glass door, then whisper something in her ear and left. Maya counted to three outloud and opened her eyes to see me.

“One, two, three.” “Hi” “Hey. You’re here” “Yeah, I wouldn’t miss seeing you in that dress for the world” “You should come in... the storm.” “I don’t mind” “Don’t you wanna come in and dance with us?” “There’s only one person I’m interested in” I gave her the red rose and then I took her hand and pulled her outside. The rain was still falling and she was getting wet. She came near me and hugged me, I put my arms around her as I swayed to the rithm of the music. It was a slow dance. I told her softly to her ear “I missed you so much” and she stopped dancing. I looked at her face as she looked deeply into my eyes and when she was about to speak, I kissed her. Only, this time, after she kissed me back, she didn’t pushed me away. It was so weird, how things turned around. Maya used to be the one who pushed Riley and me together, ever since we met. And now it was Riley the one who finally was pushing Maya towards me. She wouldn’t have me any other way. I told her “I love you, even with that stubborn head of yours”. She laughed and said “I love you, even with that bad temper of yours”.

[captainillogical]

Devil’s Ballroom Ch.8

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants​

(i’m sorry. i have terrible chapter pacing skills so the next one will be the last, not this one. thanks for all of ur patience p: ) 

Immediately you accidentally elbow Alex in the face as you try to get out of his grip, and he yells out in pain and drops you onto the ground.

"Wait! SPINEL!" You shout and run towards the direction she went, but you don’t see her anywhere. "SPINEL!!!" You shout again, eyes frantically roaming in every direction around for her, a couple of people stop to stare at you. She’s much faster than you, and could be leagues away by now.

You can't believe she would just run like that, without explanation. She was staring at you and Alex like.. did she seriously think that you and Alex.. oh god. She thought you were with Alex. 

Okay. You try not to panic as you stand there, awkwardly. You feel a hand on your shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" Alex says beside you. You can't speak for a moment, and when you do, your voice comes out hoarse.

"Er.. I think some horrible misunderstanding just happened." You say, defeated. You look up at him, and you're trying to not be visibly upset. He looks down at you, and makes a face.

"That was her? She could've said hi, sheesh.. she even left cookies here." He shrugs, looking at the spilled cookies on the ground.

"Dude. How are you so fucking stupid." You say, nearly about to smack him again. He gives you a confused look. "Are you shitting me? She came to give me those cookies in thanks for yesterday, and what does she see? You kissing all over my face." 

He still gives you a blank look.

"Ohhhh my god. You are such a fucking moron." You retort, staring at him for several solid seconds until a look of sudden realization hits his facial expressions.

“Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHHH.” He covers his mouth, and has the audacity to look mortified.

“Yeah.” You cross your arms. “Thanks for that.” 

“I uh.. man, I just wanted some Y/N love, I’m sorry. I just got so carried away.”

“I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m like, romantically involved with you.. Oh god what if she thinks I like men?” You cover your face in your hands, groaning into them. “I never told her that I liked just girls..”

“You told her about your crush on Harper though? What about that?” He raises his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah but I never told her about any of the other shit, and I haven’t exactly like.. given her any signals..”

“But you flirt with her all the time! And she flirts back! I know, because you’ve told me everything, multiple times.” He bends down and scoops up the container, and picks up the cookies and places them all back inside.

“Alex, I really hate to break this to you, but girls flirt with each other all the time. Most of the time, it’s over compliments, and sometimes it SEEMS genuine, but really, they’re just being nice.” You say. “Unless you’re super bold, with girls you basically have to be frank with them about your feelings and intentions for them to realize you’re serious. I myself prefer to kinda be sure that the other person likes me back, before I stick my neck out, you know? Because getting the ‘Oh, I thought we were just friends’ shit fucking hurts.”

“I’m pretty sure she likes you, dude.” He says to you like you’re an idiot.

“I’m not so sure about that.” You say, because you refuse to believe anything unless the cold hard facts are slapping you in the face.

“For someone so smart, how are you so stupid?” He sniffs one of the cookies, and looks like he’s contemplating taking a bite. You scoff. “You know what? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. My point is, even I can tell she likes you.”

"Coming from you, that means nothing to me." He immediately looks up, completely offended. “What? I mean, seriously. Do I have to remind you of all of our middle school and high school years? That should explain itself.” 

“Okay when you put it that way, YEAH, I was stupid, but this is different. This is me absorbing someone ELSE’S love life, and even I’m not that much of a fool.” He sighs, and mournfully tosses the cookies into the bin closest to you. “I think you need to like, give her a call or something and explain yourself. She looked really upset.” 

“Yeah, I..” You pause for a second to pick your screwdriver back up. You don’t even want to work anymore. “You’re right. I’m just nervous.” 

“Just do it before you overthink it.” He replies.

“Ugh, okay.” You pull out your phone, swipe over to your contacts, and press the call button on Spinel’s name. Immediately, it goes to voicemail.

Of course.

You leave a voicemail for her to call you back as soon as she hears this, and you also shoot her a text.

“She’s not answering.” You say.

“Of course she’s not, I mean, I wouldn’t either. Give her a while and try again later, she probably just needs some time.” He says, and also pulls out his phone, typing something on it real quick. “Also, give me a minute, mom needs to call me about something for tomorrow.” He steps a couple feet away from you to take the call.

You stare at your phone, and for the first time in a long time, you really don’t know what to fucking do other than just stand there. What if she’s so upset, she never talks to you again? Will she give you a chance to hear you out? And are you ready to talk about your feelings with her? 

Lord.

You haven’t really thought about them too much yourself, if you’re going to be honest. You’ve been keeping this all super casual in your mind, because it feels irrational to grow feelings for someone this quickly, considering you’ve known her for less than 2 weeks. But.. you admit, the more you push the thoughts away, the more you understand that you might like her a lot more than you originally considered, and denying them will just cause you issues like that one time when you were 19.

You sigh out loud. Off to the side you can hear Alex arguing with his mother about some errands she wants him to run tomorrow, and for a brief moment you consider just going home, but then remember that not even Mr. Smiley can cover the rest of the shift. You have a good two hours left, you can survive, hopefully. You make yourself busy with fixing the part you were previously working on - but you’re having a hard time concentrating. After a couple minutes, Alex taps on the side of the wall, and you peek your head out to look at him.

“Look, I hate to do this to you right now, but mom wants me to go grab a few things from her office, and pick up an order from the print place before it closes.” He pushes his curly dark hair out of his eyes, half leaning on the wall next to you. “I can probably be back by the time you’re done with your shift.”

“Hmm.. alright.” You mumble, trying to keep your mind on more positive things. He leans closer to you, stretches out his arm, and pokes you on the cheek.

“Don’t hyperfocus on this. Shit will be fine, you just gotta give her some time to get back to you, okay hun?” He gives your cheek a little love smack and stands straight, heading out already. You watch him go.

“Super easy for you to say..” You say to yourself, and busy your hands.

Most of the rest of the shift passes quietly, and you receive no messages from anyone. You hate that you can’t do anything, not really, so you send Spinel another text. She still hasn’t seen the other one, and it’s been nearly two hours.

Y/N: Can we talk? Please.

You aren’t in the mood to text anyone else, so you put your phone back into your pocket, and start all of your closing duties. The next twenty minutes goes by in a heartbeat, the crowds of tourists long since dissipated. There isn’t a lot to do. Once you clock out and grab your things from the breakroom, you feel your phone vibrate so you pull it out quickly to see who it is. You try and fail not to feel disappointed that it’s just Alex.

Alex: she wrapped me up in some other shit so like, im runnin hella late

Alex: im sorry

Alex: its gonna be a while, ill let you know when im done and ill just come over to ur place

Alex: if thats ok

You type out a couple replies to him, and sigh out loud. It’s for the best really. You don’t exactly want him to talk to you about all this stuff right now anyway. You head out, lock up the place, and walk in the general direction of your home.

By the time you’re home and settled, Alex has given you an update, and it’s been nearly four hours since you saw Spinel with no response. You’re seriously starting to worry, because she’s never not replied to your messages like this. You go to send her another text, and realize that she still hasn’t opened any of your messages. You send her another inquiry, and pop up your chat with Steven.

Y/N: Steven.

Y/N: I need you to answer asap.

You see that he’s online, and you wait for an answer. It only takes him a minute or two to get back to you.

Steven: Hey Y/N, what’s up?

Y/N: Have you talked to Spinel in the last couple of hours?

Steven: Not since this morning, why?

Y/N: Can you call her just to check up on her? I’m worried about something.

Steven: Yeah hold on.

You wait for several long minutes for him to get back to you.

Steven: Her phone’s just going to voicemail, which is pretty weird. Maybe she accidentally let it die? I’ll let you know when she answers back.

Steven: Are you guys okay?

Y/N: Uhh, I’ll get back to you on that.

Steven: Hmm, okay. 

You go to lay on your couch face down, and scream into the cushions.

Apparently you fall asleep that way, because the next thing you know, you have to peel your drool covered face off the couch cushion. You blink away your sleep-heavy eyes, and blearily check your phone. It’s 5am.

The only message you’ve received is one from Alex saying he stopped by, but left since he saw you were sleeping. Okay wow, he could’ve woken you up into a better sleeping position. Your neck feels like shit. 

You’re trying to ignore the growing feeling of dread in your stomach, pointedly not thinking about how Spinel hasn’t texted you back yet, and how long it’s been. You grab a glass of water from the fridge, trudge up the stairs into your bedroom, and flop on your bed. You pass out again nearly instantly.

When you wake up again, the sun is glaring into your window, and you groan. You roll over and pull the covers over your head. Fuck the sun today. You grab your phone from your nightstand, and notice it’s almost 1pm, the fuck? Why the fuck did you sleep so long? You look at all your notifications, and pretend that you’re not looking for a specific one from someone. 

Spinel still hasn’t texted you back, and STILL hasn’t seen any of the messages you’ve sent her. You are starting to panic a little, so you shoot Steven a message.

Y/N: She hasn’t said anything to me at all, has she answered you?

You message your dad and friends back while waiting a few minutes for Steven to reply. It takes him a few minutes to get back to you while you're laying in bed.

Steven: Her phone is still off, and she hasn't replied to anything I've sent her. I'm gonna ask Lapis to check up on her since they live in the same building. I'll get back to you when I get an answer.

It's been like twenty hours since you've seen her, and you're worried. There's no point moping around though, so you get up and get dressed for the day. You make and eat breakfast, even if you don't normally. You need a distraction from your thoughts, so you give your dad a call to check up on him, and ask him when he's coming home this week. He talks to you about his long days in meetings after meetings, the silly shit he got up to with a coworker last night after drinking, and the new hobby he's thinking of picking up when he gets back home. You guys talk for a long while, and maybe it's something you really needed, because you momentarily forget about what you were so worried with in the first place, until your phone buzzes. It's ringing actually, and your phone screen lights up with Steven's name. You tell your dad you've got to go to take this other call, and answer Steven. You sit there, phone in hand for a moment, before putting it to your ear.

"Y/N?" You hear him ask, although a bit muffled.

"Yeah. Anything?" You reply, trying to keep the nervousness out of your voice.

"She's uh.. She's on homeworld with the Diamonds right now? Maybe they worked something out with whatever event they were planning." He says into the receiver, completely casual like this is no big deal. Like that answer didn't just shatter your morale.

"Hm, okay. I appreciate you telling me this." You want to hang up and cry. 

"Why didn't Spinel tell you she was going? I mean, she doesn't need to let me know since I go back to homeworld frequently.. are you guys okay?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh." You say, unable to form an answer that isn't too revealing. "I'm not sure. But I'll let you know if anything changes."

"You know you can talk to me, right?" He says, gently. You appreciate that he cares, but it's best if he doesn't interfere.

"I know. Thank you, Steven." You reply, holding back any emotion that will give you away.

"I'll talk to you soon, okay? See you, Y/N." You say goodbye as well, and hang up.

You sit at your dining table for several solid minutes without moving, staring blankly at your phone, mind swirling with thoughts.

Okay. Alright. You can do this.

You refuse to cry, and you pinch your arm to get the prickling feeling away from the edges of your eyes. Fuck. Okay. 

So she just.. left. She left, when she was fighting with the Diamonds literally yesterday about something awful they said to her, so awful that she had an emotional breakdown over it, and couldn't even TALK about it with you afterwards. 

She left for homeworld to escape you. 

You, specifically.

Because of a misunderstanding.

You probably sit there for a good twenty minutes absorbing everything, weighing the gravity of the situation. Afterwards, you get up and distract yourself with chores. You refuse to put any more thought into this, and just figure you'll wait. 

At around 6pm, Alex comes over, and the two of you play Minecraft for the rest of the night, and he pointedly doesn't ask about Spinel at all. You're thankful that he's here in person, for once, because you don't know what kind of stupid shit you'd do without him here.

He spends the night and crashes on your couch, and you lay awake for most of the night, restless.

When you wake up, Alex has coffee and oatmeal ready for you, which is pretty funny because he never makes food. He's usually awful at it. He's sitting at the table sipping his coffee and drawing in his sketchbook, and he looks up when you make your presence known.

"Wow, you kinda look like shit my guy." He says, taking another sip of his coffee, and setting the mug down.

"Thanks. Had insomnia pretty bad last night.." You trail off and move to grab a mug from the cabinet and pour yourself some coffee. It's a black coffee only kind of day. 

You sit down on the opposite side from him, and slowly drink your coffee. It smells good. You're worried Spinel hates you and never wants to see you again. You pull the bowl of oatmeal towards you and take a bite of lukewarm mush.

"This is kind of awful but thanks." You say as you shovel more into your mouth, and consider adding more brown sugar to this.

"I ain't no Gordon Ramsay, but I try." He doesn't look at you as he shades the back leg of the deer he's sketching. You watch him bite his tongue in concentration, and you take another sip of coffee. It's kind of burnt tasting, but whatever. You've had worse. "What do you want to do today, anyway?" 

"Mmm." You eat another bite of oatmeal. "Can you please pick? Cuz I'm kinda braindead right now and I don't really feel like concentrating." He looks at you with mild concern.

"Last time I got to pick, you banned me from picking out what we do for a solid year." He furrows his eyebrows, twisting his pencil in hand.

"Yeah, well.. I don't really care right now." You shovel more food into your mouth.

"Fine. You said so, okayyyy, so no complaining later." He rolls his eyes and huffs, pencil scratching against the paper. Your phone buzzes several times on the table, and you reluctantly grab it. One message from dad, and.. two from Steven. You open up Steven’s messages first.

Steven: What did you do?

Steven: She doesn't want to come home.

Your stomach feels like lead. Alex notices you immediately.

"Uh. What's wrong?" He asks, leaning over. You tilt your phone away from him and you can feel the tears coming. You swallow, trying to get your face to cooperate.

“Um..” You feel your voice wavering, so you take a steadying breath. Looking down at your phone again, you struggle to form any kind of coherent words at all. You push your phone over to Alex, he reads what's on your screen, and looks back over to you with a serious face.

“For real? Are you kidding me?” He says, and you can hear the frustration in his voice. “I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind.”

“No,” The words finally find you. “Let me deal with this, please.” You give him a half hearted smile, and pull your phone back to yourself. With shaky hands, you text Steven back.

Y/N: Listen, I didn’t do anything, but..

Y/N: I’d prefer to get this sorted with her in person.

Y/N: I don’t want to play the messenger game

Y/N: I want her to hear it from me.

You don’t have to wait too long for his reply.

Steven: Okay well, I don’t know how well that’s going to work

Steven: Considering she refuses to talk to me about any of it

Steven: Let me know if you end up wanting me to do anything?

Steven: And I’ll message you if anything happens on my end.

Y/N: I appreciate that. Thanks.

You sigh and look up at Alex, who’s watching you with his chin in hand, leaning on the table.

“Anything?” He inquires.

“Nothing.” You say.

“Well, let me clean up the mess I made and let's go out. Mom let me have the car today, so we can go wherever. You said I can choose and no take-backsies, just give me a few minutes, alright?” He stands up and takes the both of your plates to the kitchen, and you watch him for a moment before deciding to get up and get dressed. 

You head up to your bedroom and open your closet, rummaging around for something cozy. You grab a soft long sleeve shirt, and sweatpants, because who gives a fuck honestly. You’re looking inbetween all your sweaters for your favorite one that you’d like to wear today, before realizing that Spinel still has it. Instantly, your eyes fill with tears at the reminder, and you let yourself cry quietly in frustration where no one can see you. 

After a few minutes, you wash your face in the bathroom and get dressed, settling for a different sweater. You take a couple deep breaths, and head downstairs to Alex.

You spend the rest of the day with Alex, and he takes the both of you to Empire City to browse the mall and window shop, and he buys the both of you dinner. You feel like he’s being extra sweet to make you feel better and you appreciate him so much for it, but Spinel’s on your mind literally all day and you can’t distract yourself enough. He gives you a big hug after dropping you off at home, and before leaving he makes sure that you’re okay. You’re not, not really, but he helped you not spiral further downwards today.

The next day you only work a half shift, so you get to sleep in and you take full advantage of it. It has now been three days since Spinel disappeared with no word since, and you’re beside yourself with worry. But you can’t let this stop you living your day to day life, so you do what you do best and keep on with your routine.

The fourth day goes quickly as you work a full shift, and you’ve got quite a few things to do before your dad gets home tomorrow. You’re excited to see him, as he’s been gone for nearly three weeks now. The house will be back to normal, and way less lonely.

Your dad comes home the fifth day and you spend the entirety of it with him, and you don’t think about Spinel at all. The both of you go to the movies, and then to the beach to have a relaxing afternoon as family bonding time. When you guys head home, you make him his favorite steak and potatoes and he talks about all of the things he had to do and how much he missed your company while he was gone. You think he notices that your mood has slightly been off today, but he doesn't ask about it.

The sixth day, Steven sends you a text about her still not being home, and you wonder why you even bothered opening the message. At this point you’re no longer despondent, you’re now just frustrated with the growing feeling of anger building inside you.

By the tenth day, you’re rightfully pissed. You gave her more than enough time to get over whatever feelings she felt - and she’s not taking any of your feelings into consideration. She left you to deal with the aftermath of what she assumed to be true, and never even gave you the chance to explain yourself. You haven’t sent her a text since that last one you sent over a week ago, and you think you’ll send her one more.

Y/N: Whenever (or IF, I guess) you decide to pop back in on earth, I’d like to have a chat. :)

Steven hasn’t said anything much in the last week, either. You kind of feel like he’s avoiding you because of this, but it doesn’t matter now. If she never wants to come back, that’s on her. 

Two more days go by - pretty uneventfully. You spend most of your time at work, or playing minecraft with Alex and the occasional Harper when she’s actually in a motel versus camping. The two of them haven’t asked about Spinel at all - and you know they’ve talked about it extensively in private. You’re secretly relieved that you don’t have to talk about her, though.

Two weeks pass, and you give up entirely. Life goes on.

One of these late afternoons you’re lying in bed after work and texting your friends, and for a moment you think about shooting Spinel a last message. You don’t think she’ll come back to earth at this point, but you want your sweater back if she ever visits. You swipe over to your chat with her to let her know this, and your eyes glance at the ‘seen’ icon at the bottom, timestamp dated nearly 36 hours ago.

Huh.

Wait. What the fuck.

You sit there for a moment, frozen in shock. Shock that quickly turns into boiling anger, and you find yourself texting Steven faster than you realize.

Y/N: So she comes back and you say nothing, yeah?

Y/N: Remind me to not do you any favors for a while.

Eyes stinging, you go back over to shoot Spinel an angry message, but before you can even type out half a sentence, Steven rapidly texts you back.

Steven: Hold on for a second, okay?

Steven: Let me explain something.

You don’t really care at this point.

Y/N: nah man.

You get up from bed, pocket your phone, and waltz downstairs. You put on a sweater, toe on the nearest flip flops, and head out the front door. Dad’s at work currently, so you lock the door and head over to little homeworld. You walk briskly over to the bar you met Spinel at, and after a small hold up with the bouncer, head in and move directly to the counter, facing Bismuth.

“Hey Bis,” You say to her, and she glances over to you from her current patron, and smiles at you.

“Y/N! It’s been a minute. How’ve you been?” She replies, facing you.

“I’ve been alright,” You lean a bit over the bar. “I actually just have a question, if you don’t mind.” Bismuth looks at you inquisitively, and you continue. “What’s Spinel’s address? She never gave it to me.” You smile sweetly at her.

“Hold on, let me get a pen and some paper.” She says as she sets down her glass, and grabs a pen and some receipt paper from the register. You watch her scribble something down, and she hands it to you.

“Bis, I ever tell you that you’re the best?” You take the piece of paper from her hand.

“Only once,” She grins. “But I could stand to hear it again.” You laugh at that, and pocket the note.

“Thanks for this. I’ll pay you back later, promise.” You wink at her, and turn to leave. You hear her chuckle and pick the glass back up from the counter.

“I’ll keep you to that!” You hear as you leave the building, pulling out the note again to glance at the address.

It’s over a mile away, and you figure now or never, and walk towards the general direction of her place. You try and fail on calming your nerves on the near 30 minute walk, and by the time you get to her apartment building, you’ve worked yourself up into a whirlwind of emotions. Also you’ve pointedly ignored your phone this entire time, and you’re pretty sure you’ve missed 5 calls and dozens of texts, but you knew that if you looked at any of it, you’d lose face and chicken out.

Spinel’s apartment is on the 9th floor, and you marvel at the technology side of the building for a bit. These gems really knew how to build stuff. You take the elevator up, and once you’re on the floor, you take a sharp left to the odd numbers side of the building. You reach her door and stop, almost touching the frame to knock on it. Although it’s pretty quiet in the building, you can hear a faint voice, or voices, coming from inside her apartment if you listen closely enough.

You take a deep breath, and let it out. You take another three, and consider leaving altogether. You steel your nerves, lift your arm, and knock on her door frame twice.

You think you hear the voice quiet down as you stand there, waiting. Several seconds go by, and you can hear your own heartbeats.

For a sec you think that she won’t come to the door, but after a few more moments you hear quiet movement towards the door you’re standing in front of. You make a point to step to the side, so whoever is answering the door can’t see who’s standing there through the peephole.

Very slowly, you see the door handle turn, and the door swinging open several inches. You watch Spinel peek her head out the door, her phone in her hand, and turn to make direct eye contact with you. She freezes instantaneously, like she expected it to be anyone else other than you standing there. 

Her hair is in a messy bun, and your eyes trail down to notice that she’s wearing your sweater. 

This pisses you off immediately.

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Momo ver.

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

ALRIGHT YALL NEW TROPE ALERT ➡ STAR TEAR DISEASE

Basically the cousin of Hanahaki Disease. Unrequited love causes a person to cry star tears accompanied by the sound of twinkling and if the feelings are not returned said person goes colour blind

And I just !!!!

tdmm AU where Momo gets star tear disease and the first time she cries in front of Todo after the exam with Aizawa she cries star tears???

And she doesn’t know what it means and neither does Todo but maybe Aizawa does and recognizes what it means but idk

So Momo goes on this whole literary quest to research what it means. And Todo volunteers to help bc umm?? Even the pressure point in her foot doesnt stop this phenomenon so he wants to figure it out too

And along the way they dig through the UA library on study dates and dig through the bookstores and dig through the interwebs together

Spending more and more time together, Momo starts to realize she’s feeling something. that is until one night she finds it on the web what star tears mean

Its her unrequited love for Todoroki

And her realizing this just makes it w or s e

Bc the consequence of not having her feelings returned means she goes colour blind

Or you know what, im just gonna alter it and make it more angst. She goes fully blind, ya lets do that.

SO MOMO

Poor bby is grappling with this realization and coming to terms with it all on her own; recognizing that if she doesnt let Todo know after all this time spent together she’s come to love him....... she'll go blind

But ofc its Momo... poor bby selfless Momo....

Her feelings and her own and not a responsibility of Todo to like her back and cure her of this disease so there is NO WAY she’s gonna burden him with that

Plus they’re both too busy tryna be heroes and shouldn’t have this as a distraction

So ofc Momo's not gonna tell Todo

And she cries and cries even more star tears that twinkle in fill her room in the dark like galaxies in the sky.

Its really beautiful.

She'll accept that she'll go blind never to see the face of her loved ones again. Her parents. Her friends....... Todoroki.

And that potentially she might have to give up her dream of being a hero if the blindness compromises it.

But she'll accept that.

The next day she wakes up and cant see a colour

And slowly it begins.......

She loses green first. Its hard to distinguish green from yellow

Then yellow goes

Then orange

Then one by one colour fades over weeks and weeks

Ofc shes not telling anyone.

She fakes it in class, during hero training, during her internship

That when Ochako and Hagakure asks "isnt the colour dress cute?" holding up a lovely chartreus and gold dress, she lies and says yes even though she sees gray

Which breaks her even more

And so she cries alone at night some more star tears

And it keeps going

All the while Todo noticing from beside his desk......

something is off...

But he doesnt ask her. Not yet.

Because after weeks of spending time with her researching, he believes they’re close enough that she'll share with him what’s going on

He didnt question it when she told him "its ok Todoroki san, we can stop researching"

"Did you figure it out?"

"Yes. Its nothing to be concerned about anymore"

He doesnt question it when he notices her in the morning at breakfast,,, the little speckles of star dust glimmering at the corner of her eyes

And he doesnt question himself either when he starts to think the twinkling tears she cries when she thinks she is alone,, makes her look really beautiful

Its those some odd moments when he passes the classrooms on the way back to the dorms at sunset that he sees her alone by the window,, looking out,, as the sun paints the sky reds pinks yellows and oranges,,, that she stares out and star tears fall from her eyes, twinkling in the setting light

And he thinks to himself that she is really beautiful,, a shadow against the setting sun

So he watches and thinks some more

That shes beautiful even without the sunset. Beautiful in class answering the hardest question. Beautiful in battle when her tactics win over her opponent. Beautiful studying when he notices her little motions when shes concentrating.

But while Todo thinks that to himself, Momo cries. Little star tears in her eyes.

She cant see the sunset anymore.

.

.

.

He doesnt think its serious when she tells him to disregard the matter

But when he happens to run into her when visiting his mom at the hospital, and she’s on her way out from the optometry & ophthamology department to get this whole eye thing checked out, thats when he realizes

Oh. This is serious.

And he starts trying to get her to talk but she’s being all avoidy and tight lipped

Cuz from Momo’s doctors’ appointment, the doc told her there’s no cure unless she gets over the feelings herself or her feelings are returned

And really now, she still thinks its her burden to bare not his

So logically the only thing she thinks she can do to slow down the blindness from the tears is to shut down her feelings for him. Put them in a box. And become cold.

Todoroki hates that.

That she’s being avoidant and cold when he knows something is wrong and wants to help her but she is being so not Momo anymore

He wants the kind, loving, selfless, pure hearted, strong Momo he's grown to learn and respect and know back

And that’s when he realizes he really cares for her

Not just admiring her beauty. Or respecting her battle instincts and leadership

That he realizes he really likes her

Perhaps even loves her.

So thats that.

Until its mission time.

Cuz its not angst until someone gets hurt and the other realizes they’ve been keeping a secret all this time sooooooooo

Smth smth UA kids vs a new baddie or minor villian or idk it could be dabi for all i want bc i put dabi in everything lmaooo

But who they’re fighting is not important

The important part is tdmm are on the same team

Maybe deployed as partners even

And theyre fighting back to back against some grunts

And at this point Todo is frustrated he’s not getting through to Momo just after he shook his own world realizing he likes her

And Momo's being all cold but civil and she is completely colour blind.

Theres no undoing the damage in her eyes. She can see in muted muddy tones and grayscale.

So for plot convenience lets say the villain has some kinda colour distortion quirk that mixes up the perception of colour from the true colour in a form of illusion or smth idk

So when the grunts in all black uniform end up attacking them, to Todo and Momo, one looks dressed in red, another in green, others in blues yellows purples

tdmm do pretty well fending them off until Todo notices 3 of them in blue green and purple about to attack Momo at once

And she’s ready to fend them off but doesnt notice a 4th one in red coming in for a swift sneak atttack right behind the green one

But Todo does notice

And he shouts

"YAOYOROZU THE RED ONE"

But she cant tell

And the knife lands deep in her shoulder

And Todo burns the rest to a crisp

You can imagine what the conversation is in the aftermath, when Momo has her shoulder bandaged up and Todo tending his own wounds

"Yaoyorozu.. please be honest with me. Why didnt you avoid the red one when I shouted?"

Because, he knows, that the heroine Creati he's trained along side with for so long would have been able to anticipate the grunts assault

That she would have expected a sneak attack amidst a simultaneous attack

But the fact that she didnt. Couldnt. Avoid it definitely means shes been handicapped

And Momo, upon being asked, hurt and tired from their battle finally relents

She cant lie to him any longer.

"It was because... i couldnt tell. I couldnt distinguish their colours. I havent been able to for a few weeks now.... I've..."

A star tear falls from her eyes.

"I've lost my colour vision Todoroki-san"

Tiny galaxies fall from her eyes as she finally explains to him what these tears are

And Todo is speechless as she talks, only able to hear the twinkles against her words broken against sniffles and hiccups

And when sh’es said all she knows - that this is a disease that will turn her blind, that there is no cure and it comes as a consequence of loving someone who doesnt love you back, that she doesnt want to burden the person she loves with her responsibility, that she has been trying bury her feelings to save herself ...

He finally asks: "Who is it.  Tell me who it is that you love Yaoyorozu"

.

.

.

.

"You. Its you Todoroki-san"

And his heart broke.

He pulls her into a hug,, so tight she thinks she might be crushed

And its his turn to cry against her

Because all this time she was doing this for him

"Im sorry Momo. Im so sorry. You dont have to suffer alone anymore. Because we're partners, long before I even realized it"

"Eh?"

He looks into her eyes, unwavering

"Im in love you too."

The tears that fall from her next are no long starlight.

Epilogue/trivia:

Momo loses her colour vision following the colour wheel starting with green ➡ yellow, orange, red, etc until blue is last to go

Shes most heartbroken about losing red and blue cuz those are the colours she associates with Todo (when she cant see the sunset anymore its when she realizes she lost red and that’s why she’s crying)

Since the damage of the disease cant be restored, she has to deal with greyscale vision for some years

Eventually Eri rewinds it for her once Eri can control her power

but for those some years Momo is so busy!! cuz she goes into genius mode and starts creating (and probably working with Hatsume) vision impairment accessibility tools? Yes

and bc I have an unhealthy obsession with the todofam, Natsuo probably ends up getting a case of the disease for some odd reason if he ever broke up with his gf and Todo upon hearing it is like NO GO TELL HER PLS

He’s not gonna let anyone else on the other end feel the guilt that he did for Momo

> archives masterpost

[xshinytrashcanx]

JJ is in the Hospital after his Dad had beaten him. He has to stay for a while and meets a girl that suffers from amnesia after a car accident

A/N: I hope you like this one:) also requests are welcome

All those people where looking at me, like they wanted me to talk to them. But I couldn’t remember who they where. „Honey are you ok?“ the elderly men asks me. Ok he isn’t that old, probably around 50 years old but he is older then me. „Uhm yeah it’s just that I am really tired.“ I lie. „Ok. Me and Janice are gonna pick up some stuff for you so you can rest a little alright?” He tells the people to leave so now I am alone in this bright room with all that machines around me. What happend? Where am I? And most important who am I? “Miss Jackson?” A men in a white gown enters the room. „I am Doctor Blake and I am gonna ask you some questions now. Do you know where you are?” “Looks like a hospital to me?“ „Can you tell me your first name and your birthday?” No I really can’t. And it scares me. “It’s alright, you don’t have to panic.” Yeah of course not, I just can’t remember anything right now.

Amnesia. It kinda sounds like a song title, but it’s much more serious. The doctor said it could go away but it also could be a possibility that I will never remember my old life. My stepmother and my dad are crying in front of me but I am not sure what I am supposed to feel. I am mostly irritated because all those people except that I remember them but I just can’t? „Hey you look lonely“ a blond haired boy sits down next to me in the hospital lounge. „Do we know each other?“ „Sadly not but we could change that. My name is JJ. What are you here for?“ „Car accident. My name is Alaska I think. I am not really sure. It’s all a little much right now.“ the boy chuckles „You don’t know your own name? Man I thought the stuff I am getting was good.” “I have amnesia. I can’t really remember my whole life.“ „Oh“ yeah that’s what I am thinking all the time. My life is just a huge Oh moment. „What are you here for JJ?“ „I uhm.. I had an accident to.“ I can tell he is lying but I choose to not push it. He is the only person who isn’t looking at me like I failed him. „So amnesia hu? How does that feel?“ „Confusing. It’s like there is a big black hole in my brain“ His eyes are pretty, probably the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen but considering my state that probably isn’t too hard. But they are pretty, blue like the ocean but not a boring blue. They look like adventures, like a storm is coming. „You eyes are very nice.” I tell the golden haired boy. There is a little scar above his eyebrow and I wonder where he got it. “Hey J who is your friend?” “She thinks she is Alaska but we are still trying to figure that one out.“ The other boy looks at me in confusion „I got amnesia. I hope we don’t know each other and if I am sorry if I seem rude but I can’t remember shit.“ “My Name is John B” John B. He is taller then JJ and his hair is curly, also blond like JJs, but darker. “So are you two brothers or friends?” I try to carry on with the conversation “Best friends since 3rd grade. We live in Outer Banks.” Outer Banks. I heard about that. My mom, excuse me, stepmom told me we just moved there. She also said something about some Figurs but I don’t remember. “I think I live there too. At least that’s what my stepmother told me.” “Really? I have never seen you before?” JJ asks curiously “She told me we just moved there.” “What’s your last name?” “Jackson” the boys exchange some looks “What? Is something wrong with that?” “No but I have heard about your family. You guys live on Figur eight right? Your father owns some big company.” “So you are a Kook” JJ finishes John Bs sentence “A what now?” “Kook are rich and lucky bastards, sorry, people.” Well that doesn’t sounds really nice “Well I don’t feel so lucky right now.” “Yeah maybe that makes you a honorable Pogue.” What’s that supposed to mean? A Pogue? “What does my amnesia has to do with fish?” “Look at her, we got our self a little lexicon. We call our self the Pogues, the people who live on the cut.” That’s so much information at once that my head starts to hurt. “Hey but when you’re from the Banks we could be friends. I bet the other Pogues will love you.” “I think I would like that.” 

“Here Darling have some Ice Cream. Chocolate is your favorite.” my stepmother hands me a bowl. “Can you stop please? You are making me go crazy with all that shit. I cant remember fucking shit and that stupid Ice Cream isn’t gonna change anything.” I shout at her. “Alaska..” “No. I want to be alone.” It only takes a moment after my stepmother is gone for JJ to enter the room. “How is my favorite hospital buddy doing?” “Do you want some Ice Cream? Apparently its my favorite.” I hand him the bowl as he sits down on my bed. “Mh Chocolate. And the good stuff. So they still try to get you to remember anything?” “Yeah. Its exhausting. I mean I remember some stuff, little things but it isn’t much.” “Tell me about it.” JJ looks at me and there is some chocolate on his nose. “I remember stuff when I was still a little kid. I remember my Dad and my mom but I don’t remember my stepmother. And Lucy, my dog, but my Dad says she died five years ago. The Doctor says I probably wont remember some of the time before that dumb accident but I was lucky.” “We will make new memories, you, me and the Pogues.” He smiles at me. “Oh and about the Pogues, they are gonna visit me later and I wanted to ask if you would like to join? Ki will get some food from her fathers restaurant.”  “Yeah I would love too. But enough about me, tell me something about you, for example where do you got that scar above your eyebrow?” “Surfing accident. Happend when I first started. I am a pretty good surfer you know? Maybe I can teach you.” There is a knock on my door and no one else as John B himself enter the room. “I thought I would find you here man. How is it going Alaska?” “Good. Whats going on in the world outside of the hospital? Another fight with the Kooks? I want to know all the dirty details.” John B has been visiting JJ every day and we would hang out in the Lobby, my room or JJs Room. “Nah they wont mess with us now that the kook duchess is one of us.” Kook Duchess, yeah. My father owns a pretty big company and apparently he is one of the richest man in Outer Banks. And in some sort of way that makes me the kook duchess, but I couldn’t give less of a fuck. “So should I tell the others that we are here or are we gonna annoy the shit out of JJs Hospital Roommate?” “Tell them we are here. I cant stand that old man.” So a few minutes later there are six people in my room. Me, obviously, JJ, John B, Kiara wo told me to call her Ki, Pope and Sarah Cameron who seems to know me. “SO from where do I know you?” “Oh we had some classes together. But only for like, two months.” There is a awkward silence till Ki pulls out some take out boxes. “I got Burgers and fries for you two. JJ told me the hospital food is disgusting.” 

“So how was Therapy?” JJ asks me after I come back from what feels like a thousand different therapies. “Dumb. I feel like I only have one functional brain cell. Dr. Blake told me its a common thing that I might get dyscalculia or something else but its so annoying. Like I see the numbers but I cant understand them. Its like I forgot what they are.” a deep sigh escapes my lips. “And did something good happend?” “Well I painted.” I show him the picture I made. “That’s a eye.” “Yeah. It is your eye. Thats the first thing I saw when you sat down next to me. You eyes are so pretty.” A chuckle escapes his lips “Yeah you told me you liked them. I like the picture. Its good.” “You can have it. Its your eye after all.” I hand it to him. “So know you tell me, how is that knee doing? Are you gonna be ready to show me how to surf when we get out of this hell hole?” “Pretty good, Doc said when all the swellings go down and the infection goes away I am out of here. It’s the only thing that keeps me from getting discharged.” “Thats great JJ.” “It sure is.” I hear Doctor Blake at the door. “Here for the daily check up?” “You know I am Alaska. How do you feel?” “A little stupid but beside that I am fine and I am sure I would be even better when I could get out of here.” He laughs “Yeah I am sure thats right. Maybe we should discharge both of you next week on monday? I heard JJ wants to take you surfing?” I look at JJ who has a wide grin on his face “Wait you knew didn’t you? Does my father know?” “They have been informed, yes. I leave you kids alone know, I gotta take a look at the old man.” He winks at us before he exits the room. 

“Hey how are you.” I say as I stumble in JJs Room. But he isn’t alone. There is a couple with him, probably about the age my father is. “Oh excuse me, I didn’t know he had visitors.” “You must be Alaska. We are Popes Parents and JJs legal guardians.” “Yeah. Alaska. Thats me.” I say, hoping I didn’t knew them before my accident. I still feel awkward about the fact that there are people that know me when I don’t know anything about them. “Are you okay darling?” Popes Mom asks me. “She suffers from amnesia and meeting new people makes her uncomfortable.” JJ explains. “Oh I am Sorry. We can leave you both alone if you want I mean we talked about everything we needed to talk about right Boy?” Mr. Heyward looks at JJ who nods. “Did they hurt you?” I ask him when they are gone. “What? No! What do you mean?” “When we first met you said you had an accident but I knew you where lying and your reaction right now shows me that something happend so if they hurt you JJ you have to tell..” “It was my Dad.” he interrupts me. “He is a alcoholic and a junkie and he gets really mad sometimes. And he just takes it out on me. John B had to get away for a few weeks so I took my fathers boat and he kinda sunk it. I was used to be my fathers punching bag but he would always stop after a few hits and this time he just didn’t. I just remember waking up here with all that injuries. They said they would like to keep me here for a while so my injuries heal nicely and also to make sure I am mentally ok cause u know, nearly getting killed by your own father isn’t something that happens every day. The Heywards talked to CPS so I could stay with them till I get emancipated so I don’t have to leave the island.” A tear rolls down his cheek. “I’m sorry J. I didn’t wanted to push you.” “You don’t need to be sorry ok? I love how you care about me. I love everything about you. Being with you is like finally being able to breathe again.”   

[c0untb00z]

I would just like to clear, I don't hate the BBC Dracula 2020 Show. In fact, I actually like the idea of Dracula being set in modern times like in the show, but I would like it a lot better if it wasn't written like a fucking reader insert fanfiction.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some reader inserts every once in a while but they're meant to be on Wattpad. Sometimes, you can find really fucking good fanfictions that could genuinly be movies, but this really just feels like someone wrote an erotic fanfiction for Dracula. It almost reminds me of a worse version of 50 Shades of Grey with less kinky sex.

First and foremost Agatha Van Hesling. I actually kinda liked her personality, how driven she was and determined to never give up, but she was literally created for a love interest. In Dracula by Bram Stocker, Sister Agatha is a nun that nurses Jonathan back to health, claiming he was 'sick in the head' as he ranted of what he had seen and warning others of Dracula. She doesn't even have a last name.

However there is a Dr. Van Hesling in the book, hes dutch(???) Professor that mentors and taught(????) Jack Seward who was in love with Lucy, who was fed off of and eventually killed and eventually undead by the means of the one and only Dracula. Dr Van Hesling plays a large role in the plot of the book. He has an open mind and was able to draw connections between things that some others couldn't, as he had access to more sources and could speak to most off the charecters involved. He's the first person to present the idea of a vampire, and Lucy turning into one. Thanks to Jonathan he was able to identify the vampire feeding on Lucy as Dracula and finds out how to kill the vampires.

So basically Agatha was literally fabricataed for the sole perpose of being there, to fall in love with Dracula or something.

I know we all are horny for Dracula. I'm horny for Dracula. Vampires are fucking hot but the sexiest part of vampires is that they ya know. Kill you and are mercily and heartless. The show does show that in a lot of parts and even decapiates a nun and yeets it into a gaggle of nuns which i fucking died at. But it also, humanizes him way to much, hes literally a monster. The scene in the boat with lord whats his name really portrayed that. It was really,,,, weird cause me being a kinky fucker I don't find the particular phrases of "you're going to need to be quiet now," and " youre doing so well" that creepy and if anything a little hot but looking at the circumstance and the look on that kids face, it was like r e a l y fucked up. Which is why i liked that scene. It showed just how fucked up Dracula is.

To be fair i did like Cleas Bangs acting and casting as Dracula. He had a certain charm that was ever so s l i g h t l y off. I heard people say he just 'made up an accent' but fuck you guys its a fucking danish accent you incolent twats anyways. He could be really funny at times and i actually apprecited it.

However the casting AND acting of the modern parts is absolute shit. Ep.3 is where i kinda gave up on the show and finsihed it for the sake of torturing myself. FIRST OF FUCKING ALL LUCY i cannot fathom how P I S S E D i am about Lucy. Why did they have to make her a phone obsessed basic asshole with no regards to anyones emotions besides her own and the extent of her personality is 'getting likes on socail media is all i care about because it makes me feel validated so im gonna wallo in self pity because i was obiously written by white man in his 50s that would have made me white if he wasnt forved to throw in diversity points" like shut the fuck up steven king.

Also lucy and mina never meet??? Theyre in different fucking time lines??? Theyre friendship and love for eachother was fucking golden how dare you rob that form me and give me a garbage bag full of shit with a shiny little bow on top in its place jesus f u ck.

The cemetary scene was o k ay i gues?? I liked the little nod to the book with the bloofer lady and the concept of random sprits being undead because of unfinished buisness. But this really just felt like it was slapped in the show for the sake of going on a date with Dracula in cemetary. I actually kinda apperacted it but it just felt awkward.

Also who the f u ck is Lucy's friend? The gay one??? Like,,,, is that supposed to Arthur???? His chatecter was so fu king weird and offset he just didnt feel like he should be in there. Hes literally just there for a-50-year-old-man's-interpretation-of-young-women-now-a-days verson of Lucy to have a gay best ffriend.

Ok i not even sure if i want to talk about Quincy. It just hurts. It physically hurts me to think about how d i r t y they did my baby. His charecter is the defination of american chivalry, just as great as regular chivarly but with a little extra cowboy vibe. Quincy is jist the biggest,,,, sweet haert,, like he asked lucy to marry him in his cool american cowboy voice cause he knew lucy loved it and it always made her laugh. And even when she turned him down becayse her heart belonged to arthur, he stayed. All he wanted was for lucy to be happy and all he requested was that they stay frirnds. Hes also invovled with taking fkwn dracula although hes not a main charecter percice ly as he doesnt have any entires in the book he still has an amaizing precence and sometimes while reading the book ill be readying one of dr sewards passanges and think "huh i wonder what quncys doin. I hope hes dooin good. Cowboy vibes n stuffs" amd boy dles he do that. Everh dracula film adaptataion robs us. R O B S U S of quincy morris best scene. In the middle of dr van helsing ranting about vampires( thats basically what half of the book is. I could write a 4p minute mono louge of his rambling jesus how does sweard take note of all this) quincy litterally just walks out. And nobodg really pays any notice beside glancing ag his leave and shrugging at one anouther and going back tl listneing tl van helsing explaining his vampire fan theories quincy moris , the quincy morris from texathe untited states of the amerkca the land and the free and also cowboys.stands outside of the bouilding and pints his gun up at. Dracula whos in the shape of a fucking bat eves ddopping outside the window and just fucking,,shoots it. Now he doesnt hit it cause thatt wouldnt be as fun as brutally stabbing the fucker witja wooden stake. But S T I L L. And the fucking bullet hits the window that everybodys in anprobably causes arthur to shit himself the ppoor boy. Can you belive that theh didnt fucking flim thatfor any dracul? Now i i under stands why not put in this adaptation because quincy is only mentionsed like three god damned times. And when theh DK mention him jesusnshit they literally jsut made him some popular jock from amwrica just to conter jacks white twinky ass and then they had him propose to lucy in the middle of a fucking night club and she says yes???? Lile ok jut throw Arthur out a window then cause cause fu c k him i guess. And then after lucy dies he jjsy fucking moves ?? The only thing thta makes this version of qincy quinccy is the fu king name and fact hes from america

Ok now jack fucking seward. He reminds me of when ylu forget you had a pb&j in your back pack so in the bos after school you pull it out cause yoyr hungry and yoyr mom put WAY to much jelly on it so now its like. All obsorbed into the bread and joggy and squished. Just sad and really white. They even had some kid call him whate bread and they werent fucking wrong. His obly personality traits were ' omg i love lucy but shes a hoe ;,,,((' and being connected to Zoe.

Now last and definately least the god forbaden ending. Just thinking about it gives me a fucking head ache. So , jesus, zoe, who is agathas great niece or someshit, a d looks exactly like her (its literally the same fucking actress) is a detective lile scitist reasearching dracula. So dracula is illedatly attracted to her becasue he thinks shes like agathas reincarnation or soenshit. So he tries tk drink her blood at one point and spits it all out and pukes and sjit cause her blood is poisonous bevaise she has fucking c an c e r. So later we find out that draculas weaknesses ( the sun crucifix) arnt actually real hes just afraid of dying so he has like irration fears or some shit so for some fucking reason. They deside. Its a good iea to end the show with this:

Dracula fucking drinks all of zoes blood killing her and himself because her blood poisonus. And ghe fucking emd scene is them like,,, in the sun???? Or soemt hi ng??? And theyre naked and like presumably fucked and dracula says some shit like " its doesnt have to hurt" and i almost tore my wrist open wiith my teeth because of how shitty this ending is.

Not lnly is it disrespectful to zoe but agatha, agathas whole thing was K I L I N G. dracula she wanted him fucking D E A D she woULDNT FUCK HKM

And like just after finding out that he can be in the sunlight with out fucking dying and that crosses just make him umcomfortable or some shit he just desides to kill himself??? DUDE YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOURE PROACTICALLY MORE INVINCABLE THAN YOU WERE BEFORE AND YOU JSUT FUCKING OFF YOUR SELF ??? HE COULD HAVE FUCKING RULED ENGLAD AND SPEAD VAMPIRISM OLL LVER THE FUCKING COUNTFY AND WORLD KF HE TRIED HARD ENOUGH AND HE KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE THEY WANTED A STUPID SAPPY ENDING

anyway if anyone actually goes through the effort of reafing my god damn eS S A Y about Dracula that i finkshed typing (im not gonna bother editing tbh) at 4 fucking am. Then thank you and please get a life

[opalgelance]

thoughts on steven universe future

td;lr overall opinion: steven universe future is better than most of the original steven universe, especially seasons 3-5, but there are still some real iffy plotlines in future

i hate that the diamonds were redeemed but at the same time, the happy clouds blue and yellow putting gems back together scenes were so pure

it simultaneously warms my heart and infuriates me 

but we finally got a blue diamond song, god i love her voice

EDIT: also steven basically tortured white diamond and nearly killed her and it was pretty disturbing bc steven is 1. in a really bad mental state, like way darker than i thought they’d show him go, since this is technically a kids show and 2. was also kind of trying to hurt himself, which both hit me really hard bc i had similar periods of blazing anger, wanting to self harm and harm others that i felt had wronged me when i was a teenager, but its also what white deserves

ncsndlljklkcndkls i want to enjoy this show so bad but,,, steven having ptsd makes him a violent douche??? diamonds killed who knows how many gems in their reign and never really felt bad about it in original su but now they’re supportive life coaches??? no thank you

on more positive notes, i loved how priyanka described mental health and how she treated steven throughout the entire check up, she was so nonconfrontational and whenever he felt stressed she deescalated the situation,,, it was so good

the animation is the best its been since season 2. the poses are clean, very well drawn, and on model. there are more action scenes than like 90% of steven universe and they’re animated way better, like theres actual fighting and motion asjksacbcbj no one is stiffly posed, no one has strange proportions, no one is drastically changing sizes in between shots (well besides steven in growing pains onward but when he does change size its supposed to be like that lol)

i liked seeing the real roses but didnt love it? i wish we saw more of the roses designs up close, and i wish they fit a little more with the other quartzes? it might be just because its era 3, but the roses were all way more unique than jaspers and amethysts generally seem to be. i like that they were more unique designs and had different personalities, but surely the diamonds wouldnt have tolerated that back in era 1 or even era 2, had the rose quartzes not been bubbled? also i get that they’re reminiscent of pink bc she created them, but hippie and superfan were so naive, more so than other quartzes. if each quartz group was slightly different, it would make a little more sense tbh like if quartzes were the entire gem army, but each group was slightly different. i always liked the idea that rose quartzes were either the defense or the healers of the gem army.

little homeschool and guidance were fun and genuinely enjoyable, considering not a whole ton happens in them. i wish townie episodes had been more like them. like you could replace the gems with random humans, but it would still be a fun episode? idk, maybe involving the humans in gem stuff wouldve made better townie episodes, like lars and the cool kids. it wouldve probably helped steven feel more “human” too, if the human and gem worlds collided a bit more in the series.

bluebird was... an ok episode, but im not sure how well it will fit into what i feel like the end will be, where every episode of future featured someone steven helped or affected in some way, and they all come together to help steven when he corrupts. or rather, i guess if bluebird did say something, it would feel more hollow bc steven didnt help them lol the gems and universes were just friendly to them, and thats it. it wasnt as bad as a very special episode (my least favorite episode of future), but it felt like a townie episode with no townies LOL at least we got a new fusion i guess

a very special episode was just,,, infuriating. there was that weird football scene where they just like,,, talk about screen resolution for a minute then play the full commercial for little homeworld we just saw last episode???? i did genuinely enjoy the rainbow scenes, but it just built up to not nothing. oh no, it was something alright. the whole episode was just future vision and then theres like a minute long psa??? it felt like that wacky randomness that would have happened in like, ok ko, teen titans go, or clarence jaskjcbkcjbskb

mr universe is tied with dear old dad episode as my least favorite greg episode. i get how both of them feel. greg wanted to tell steven about how he escaped from his miserable childhood and remade who he was, no longer a demayo but a universe. the problem imo was that greg became way too absorbed in the past. it reminds me a bit of s1 pearl, how she’d proudly recount gem battles and basked in the glory of fighting for their freedom, but she struggled when she had to recount the more unsavory parts of war. and that really affected amethyst, since she didnt fight in the glorified war pearl told her and steven about. amethyst was the byproduct of one of the bad parts of the war, and that became part of her identity, until on the run, where pearl finally realized that she needed to tell amethyst that she wasnt bad. amethyst’s creation may have fractionally hurt the earth, but that wasnt her fault. it wasnt her fault that she emerged too late to fight either. and it wasnt her fault that she existed. sounds familiar to to stevens rant in the van. 

steven didnt ask to be made. he didnt ask to be the half gem half human son of a diamond. but he grew up being told about how great his mom was, and that while no one would ever say it, she was gone because of him. to create steven, rose had to die. it was roses decision, but as the product of that decision, steven feels responsible. not only that, but being told constantly about his amazing mother, steven felt like he had to live up to her, had to be like her, had to replace her in the gems and greg’s lives. throughout the series, steven is constantly either trying to be like his mother, until he realizes its ok to be himself. but then the question is posed; is steven even himself? or is he still part of rose? and once he finds out that he’s steven, and has always been steven, he’s still reeling from the realization that his mother was pink diamond. and that really shows in future, where steven is becoming like pink. at first he doesnt even know, because besides the jungle moon dream, him and the audience never knew about this side of pink. this angry, short tempered, diamond who lashes out mostly physically. and unlike before, no one’s telling steven about pink (besides pink pearl) hes finding out firsthand, and this pink mode is basically being forced on him by his gem. steven has little to no control over this form. hes not trying to live up to his mother, or wondering if he is her, like before. now, he’s losing control to whatever programming is in his gem.

but back to mr universe. in the van, greg is going on and on about how lucky steven is, and how free steven is, but how can either of them compare their lives to each other? the similarities just arent there. steven is right, greg and pink were “raised” in very similar “households”. both had their wishes and desires suppressed by controlling, abusive parents. we know pink was abused mentally, verbally and physically (being physically dragged away from the screen by yellow in jungle moon, stevonnie being grabbed and thrown into the time out cell by yellow, when she still thought steven was pink), but greg at the very least was mentally assaulted. but they diverge from here. as greg said, he thought disco was back. rose started a war. you cant compare them any further. 

but at the same time, steven was raised completely differently. he was raised in a home with love and freedom, but he was also not given the opportunity to be a normal kid. theres a difference being forcing your kid to do something and not giving them the chance to try something. steven was never given the option to go to school (well in the comics he was but i guess thats not canon now since it seems like steven wishes he went to school?) he was never given the option to live in a house, or go to the mall with friends. the only other kids he knew were the boardwalk kids, but even then, he doesnt seem very close with them. for such an outgoing, friendly kid, steven wasnt given many opportunities to make friends. steven’s upbringing was very relaxed, yes, but it was too relaxed. he needed more structure, and more importantly, more humanity. i always thought it was weird, how little steven seems to have interacted with humans before connie, considering that his mother so desperately wanted steven to experience being human. yes the show is about gems, (and yes, i dont like most townie episodes), but steven was never shown doing a lot of “human” kid things inbetween episodes. the episode never started with him coming home from a friends house, he hardly ever spent time with friends other than connie in little scenes. like he was never called for a mission while playing cards with peedee, or coming home after an after school activity. any scenes like that were either just steven by himself, or with greg, and occasionally connie. but connie is a new addition to his life. how many years has he been doing fun stuff with only his dad for company, or by himself? yknow, “non traditional” childhoods and living situations are becoming more and more common in media, rather than the “two parents in a suburb house” thing, but steven’s life is beyond any unusual childhood any other kid would have. i mean he’s never even been to the doctor! which is probably for several reasons, like the fact that he apparently doesnt have a ssn, he can heal himself, has a damn gemstone in his stomach, and is half alien. but still, thats not something he has in common with other kids. no matter how much love and freedom he was given, steven was raised as an outcast.

i agree with the notion that both greg and steven were both right and wrong in mr universe. i guess they both have that in common with rose lol 

greg should have read the room better, realized that his pep talk wasnt the support and apology steven needed to hear. but steven shouldnt have acted out in the way he did. i get that’s the “theme” of steven’s spiral, maybe for the younger audience to better understand how steven is acting? but crashing his dad’s van that gregs been living in for like 20 years? fucking SHATTERING jasper? that’s going way too far to prove a point. it would have been better to maybe mirror story for steven, where marty and greg are arguing, marty is watching the road and they narrowly avoid hitting a car. but crashing the car could have been pretty serious, especially for greg. now jasper, that episode shouldnt have been approved. steven should not have shattered jasper. he fucking killed her. rose/pink didnt even shatter anyone. and if it wasnt for steven getting another superpower out of nowhere, jasper would have stayed that way. he should have just cracked her gem, poofing her in the process. the rest of the episode wouldve played out exactly the same.

anyways ive been writing this for like 2 hours but i feel better letting it all out. if you enjoy future keep enjoying it! it’s definitely more like a B+ compared to season 3-5′s general C-/D+. but please take into consideration future has some themes that people personally relate to, like mental health, and that you shouldnt shit on someone elses opinions that are based on their own personal experiences. especially if you dont have mental health issues, dont keep pushing your opinion and telling people that personally relate to future’s themes that they’re wrong? thats fucked up man

[michaelreaderreblog]

My truemate pt15

AN: Well another part to this lovely series is upon us. Its fairly long and Im sorry for such on going part. I felt it was necessary to add in a very long part. I do hope you all will enjoy this part. It took a while for me to edit this and longer than I expected to post this. I was in way over my head while writing this and editing. But please enjoy. 

Catch up here >> ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT NINE TEN ELEVEN 

TWELVE THIRTEEN FOURTEEN

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Word Count: 5,148

Once Michael was done with writing down the lyrics, he contemplated about calling his brother knowing that he is working and not only that but working with his mate.

He couldnt wipe the smile off from his face when he just thought of you as his mate.

He is brought out of his thoughts when he heard someone knocking at the door and they entered without him answering.

“Am I interrupting something?” Dean is the one who knocks at his door and enters into his office.

“Dean, please come in” he says and still cant wipe away the smile from his face as your brother takes the seat beside his desk.

“What brings you here? Need more supplies? I can give you for whatever discount” he says a little quickly but he cant help it with all the happiness bursting from him.

“No, I just wanted to know if you wanted to have lunch together. And whats got you all happy go lucky?” Dean says also with a smile on his face from the look on Michael.

“Sure we can have lunch together, since I brought my own from home and to answer your question. Anna and I spoke not to long ago, it appears that we have reached a mutual agreement” he says getting his lunch from the mini fridge and bring out two beers as well and handing it to Dean who takes it willingly.

“Ok, what did you two agree on?” he asks taking his sandwich out of the lunch bag you bought for him.

He didnt want to use at first because made him look like a little kid all over again.  

“Well we ended things on good terms, turns out she also met her true mate and she knew that I have met mine. Now I dont need to worry about anything or the voice at the back of my mind telling me how wrong it is to end things just because I have met my true mate. I can now happily go about this with y/n” he says looking to Dean and still cant get the smile off from his face.

Dean knew how relieved Michael is knowing how much he has been feeling guilty for some what hiding this.

“She met her true mate too? And she waited to tell you this after how long?” he asks after he takes a gulp from his beer and wait for his answer.

While he takes a bite from his sandwich you have made for him the night before.  

He couldnt believe how much his food tasted so good with the Swiss cheese and honey mustard.

“She said she met her true mate about two months ago. She was willing to sacrifice her happiness to be with me still. I couldnt believe it when she said that and I still cant. I mean would you do the same if yours came along but being with someone current and not wanting them to be hurt by being left alone?” he says while looking to Dean and still couldnt get that out of his mind.

“I am amazed but I would do the same. I wouldnt want the hurt and loneliness on anyone when I care so much for the person I was with. By my books she is a good person, even to the point where she would put everything on hold for someone” he says while finishing off his sandwich only wishing he could have another and to his surprise as he looks into his lunch bag there is another with a note.

“Knew you would be wanting another so I made an extra one for you. Didnt want you feeling gloomy only having one, Im not that cruel.

Love you

Y/n”

Dean smiled at the note that you left for him and couldnt be more thankful for another sandwich.

“Looks like someone is a happy camper” Michael says after noticing Dean with another sandwich.

“Yeah my sister made me an extra one and she knew I would want another. She thankfully made me one and left me a note. Gotta love her right” he says looking to Michael only realizing what he just said.

“Thats right” he says smiling never leaving his face.

“Whats your next move now that everything is official?” he asks while taking a bite from his food and only loving you even more.

“First off tell my brother all about this and take things slow considering what happened with Roman. Im sure she is still weary about the whole being close to another Alpha” he says almost sounding hurt when anger begins to reek up the place and Dean sees the expression on his face.

“Wow, dude easy. Y/n is fine and I think she is wanting to be with you for a while now. So no need to be worried about the Dick thing. All though Sam and I are still trying to get her to call the cops. We even told her we would be her witnesses and I talked with Benny he is more than willing to be a witness to” he finishes as he knows that Michael is defusing from his rage about Roman.

“I would love to be a witness when she calls the police as well. My father takes Omega rights seriously and with my brother being one and what happened all those years ago” Michael says as he gets quieter and thinks about the time when his brother Lucifer saved him.

“What do you mean? What happened to Cas?” Dean asks and that came out a little too quickly.

Michael hears him as he gives him a nick name already and gives him a weird expression. He ends up telling Dean what happened to Lucifer along with Castiel all those years ago.

He starts from the beginning, not leaving anything out from what Castiel has told him before while they were living in Portland.

He told him the day he presented Omega, how Lucifer told him to stay home so that his scent could go away. How he ended up going out anyway only to be kidnapped and taken to a warehouse outside of town waiting to be transferred to a brothel where he will be sold multiple times.

How Lucifer tracked him down by GPS on his phone, got him out of the warehouse and how he died. How Castiel felt completely guilty by blaming himself for so many years. Michael finished off by telling Dean he got his parents to agree for the move to Portland and finally coming home a year ago.

“No wonder why he asked if Sam and I were Alpha's before agreeing to work with y/n. My mate was hurt and I wasnt there to save him” he says in a hushed tone and before he could react. Dean went wide eyed as he had his face in both of his palms.

“Wait? What? You what?” Michael asks while only concentrating on what Dean has called his baby brother.

“Um yesterday when I went down to y/n's office to ask her and my brother where they wanted to go for supper because I didnt feel like cooking. I saw Cas there and immediately caught his scent which screamed at me 'mate' I couldnt believe I found mine as well” he says looking away from Michael and like he was waiting for him to punch Dean or something.

“You didnt take him did you?” is all that Michael asked as he still looks to Dean.

“What? No, I wouldnt do that, wouldnt force myself on him like that. Plus Sam and y/n were there to keep things under control which I did. Y/n waited with him until you got to the house to pick him up. While they were waiting for you, I was talking with Sam about how perfect he is for me and what his scent gave me.” he says as he tells Michael all of this

“What does his scent tell you? Better yet what does he smell like to you?” he asks leaning closer to Dean to hear him better.

“Now you sound like my brother. He smells like honey, lavender, and fresh pine after a rain fall when it gets the food it needs to grow. His scent screams at me how he is sweet when you need nurturing after a hard days of work and how he also can be my equal by being hard working himself. I have always wanted a mate who is capable of wanting to work to help provide you know. At the same time who will be a loving, kind, and extra nurturing when it comes to extending the family to having pups. I know he can provide just as much as he protects when it comes to the people he loves the most and thats what his scent screams at me when I am near him” Dean says while smiling to the thought of Cas being his equal now and forever.

“Well I must say I know what you mean when it comes to having an equal and not just to have an Omega around just because they can birth your pups. I know where you are coming from and thats how I feel about y/n. Right when I caught her scent at the diner is when I knew she is my mate” Michael says breaking the silence between the both of them.

“What does she smell like to you?” Deans turn to interrogate him about the scent you give of on him while he is near you.

“Her scent smells like freshly grind coffee, banana's and caramel. When waking up in the morning to that fresh pot of coffee after picking the coffee beans fresh. It tells me how incredibly devoted to working she is and how much she is vibrant when being incredibly influenced or inspired. It also tells me how incredibly nurturing she can be and by seeing it for myself with the lunch she made for you along with extras just proves my point how loving and selfless she is. I know its too early to be thinking this way but makes me think a lot about the pups on how she is going to be as in the love and devotion she will be giving to our future pups and to me” he adds while he finishes off his beer and looks to Dean who is warming up to him even more.

“I knew there is a reason why I had to come by and have this lunch with you. When I was driving home I got this feeling at the pit of my stomach to stop by here and Im glad I did. I could now sort of officially give you my blessing well sort of. Im not quite ready to let her go. I mean I still see her as a baby and we practically raised her when my mom got sick and my dad took care of her. But when she passed away it all went down hill from there, my dad got heavy on the drinking after her death. When my dad passed away from a mugging gone wrong thats when I really stepped up into taking care of her. She made it easy for me though, she wasnt trouble only when the Officials came for her. After a nosy neighbour got into our business after she went into her first heat and presented Omega. I fought tooth and nail for her to be kept away from those Academies and having them taking her away from me. I didnt want that for her, those Academies they find suitable Alpha's for the Omegas later and I didnt want her missing out on her true mate. Sam was away for school at the time and he was going to school at Stanford studying pre law in Omega rights.” Dean tells him everything that happened back in Sioux Falls well he might as well considering he is basically family now.

“Wow, what did your mother get sick from? I heard about those Academies on their suitors for potential mates just makes my skin crawl if that ever happened to Castiel. I am really happy you fought for her, I dont want to know how she would be like when coming out of that. After hearing about the things they make them do and the tests they make them take before being taken to the Academies on the news.” Michael says as he cringes at the thought of you or his baby brother being taken to one.

“My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer ten years ago, she fought back and got the chemo therapy. She got better for a while until the cancer came back and she got worse slowly. Until it came on really strong and deteriorated her health is when it took over completely and took her away from us. I wish she would have been here to meet our mates, god she would have loved you, Castiel and Sarah. Oh thats Sams mate who works at Stitching to Heaven” Dean tells Michael about your moms health with the breast cancer and how much she would have loved each of yours and their mates.

“Sarah Blake, yeah I know her. My mom tried setting me up with her but I never followed suit though, didnt have the right scent for me” he says while gesturing his hands towards himself, they both laugh at the motion and continue on with their conversation about anything.

Dean really had begun to approve of Michael now and how he is doing the same by approving him with Castiel.

“I guess Dean really got himself busy and probably stopped by Sams work to have lunch with him.” you say as you look how far Cas has come with making a plush toy himself.

“Wouldnt surprise me either considering how each of you are incredibly close with each other” Cas says looking away from what he was doing and looks at you where you stand behind him.

“Yeah” is all that you could say back to Cas with a smile spread on your face.

“How about we take a break ourselves and have lunch upstairs, I think I got some left over mushroom chicken along with macaroni salad from yesterdays supper in the fridge” you tell him as you are about to step out of the office and head on upstairs but something at the pit of your stomach starts to get warm and slick begins to build up from you.

“Oh no, any day but not today” as you lean against the door frame, Cas looks to you wide eyed knowing all too well what comes next.

“Your heat is coming, here let me help to your room” Cas says as he lifts you bridal style about to head up the stairs.

“No Cas the other room there, we have that for my heats and there are toys in the closet” you tell him before he steps any further up the stairs.

“I like that you have your own place to have your heats in, I know how painful it is to go through your heats alone” he says while he hesitates to finish what he was going to say.

He looks at you as you are beginning the worse of your heat and finally he gives it the last thought and kisses you.

“Cas what are you doing?” you ask as you pull away from the kiss.

“I am going to help you through your heat and I dont want to see you go through it alone by only using toys. Plus I cant get you pregnant anyways so its a win win for us” he says a little to proudly.

Your heat comes on even more forcefully now and slick begins to slip from you.

“No no no no I cant let you do that. Just get me a toy ok, its in a box in the closet” you tell him as you begin to struggle with forming sentences.

“You are being incredibly modest now. Just let me help you” he says as he takes your clothes off.

While he is making your heat any less discomforting and help you through the first wave is when you begin to feel a bit better.

“Castiel thank you, I dont know how I am going to explain this to Dean and I dont know how he is going to feel about this.” you tell him as you pant after the both of you finish together from the much needed physical touch.

“We will get to that point when we are done settling these first few waves of heat and it should settle before he comes home after work” he says as he gets himself ready again and you look at him all confused but later thinking he has read your mind and you straddle his lap this time.

After the second wave has settled is when the both of you lay side by side to give yourselves rest after the second round.

“Castiel I am really thankful for you doing this for me” you say while trying to catch your breath and if you were being honest with yourself, he was doing better than you thought he would do.

He settled the eagerness of wanting a knot swelled up inside you and even though he wasnt equipped like an Alpha but he did the trick and that amazed you in so many ways.

“You would do the same for me” is all he says with a smile on his face as he spoons you from behind to rest before the third wave comes along.

“I better call my mom and let her know what is going on and to let her know that I will be with you for the remaining of your heat” he says as he gets up from the bed and reaches for him phone in his pocket.

“How do you think she is going to react when you’re telling her you’re having sex with me just to settle my heat” you say while rolling over to face him.

“Thats exactly what Im going to tell her” he says to you.

“Mom, something has come up and I wont be able to make it home for the remainder of the week” he says as you know his mom has picked up the phone.

“Well y/n got her heat and I am helping through it. I didnt want her to go through it with only using toys knowing very much how that doesnt help settle the waves” he says looking to the ceiling.

“Yeah I will, no the third wave should be coming on soon” he answers his mom and you can already feel the third wave coming and its coming on really strong.

You get him ready yourself, as he sees what your doing and his head falls back to the pillow trying very hard not to make a sound over the phone with his mom.

“Mom, I got to go now. I will speak to you later” he hangs up as soon as you line him up against you and push all the way down.

He lifts himself from the pillow as you straddle his lap again and wraps both of his arms around to lift you up and then down again to hit that desired spot repeatedly. He lifts you off from himself as you begin to whimper at the sudden emptiness.

“Dont worry, get on your hands and knees” he says against your ear and that lust of spark goes right through you.

He lines himself up and within one swift move he is buried deep inside you.

When the third wave of heat begins to settle is when you begin to feel dehydrated, he sees this and immediately is about the run for the door.

“Castiel there is bottled water in the corner there, you dont need to run up the stairs but we do need to eat though” you tell him as he sees the stacked bottled water in the corner of the room.

“Your brothers really do love you to have all this ready for you” he says while still trying to catch his breath.

You see him go get the water for you and he just looks fucked out which a giggle escapes your mouth.

“What are you giggling about?” he asks as a smile appears on his face when coming to seat himself beside you as you lay there all fucked out yourself.

“You just look completely fucked out right now and the hair alone. I am so sorry and so thankful at the same time. I am just wondering how Dean, Sam, and Michael are going to feel about this when they come home to a fucked out scent.” you say as you keep giggling only to stop when you mentioned about Michael coming home knowing very well he goes home to someone else and that hurt comes to you all over again.

He sees and feels this when he lays beside you to put an arm around your body to pull you closer to him.

“Hey I see that, look at me” he says as he lifts your chin to meet his gaze with his hand and you comply.

“I know all of this Michael thing is really getting to you but you know for one thing it will get better. I mean something will be done dont worry. Michael knows what he is doing with this whole entire thing. About me and you though I am pretty sure he will understand this and as for Dean well we will get to that. Since you’re not due for another wave for awhile.” he says to you while that makes you feel better a bit but the whole Dean thing is a different story.

“I better call him before he sees us when he gets home and what you are doing to help” you tell him as you get up from the bed to use the home phone thats in the room.

You dial his number and wait for him to answer.

“Hey y/n, whats up?” he answers on the third ring and you hesitate at first but this needs to come out.

“Hey Dean, what are you up to?” you ask in a hushed tone

“Taking a long lunch break with Michael. How are you and Cas doing?” he asks while he sounds very chipper and you didnt want Michael to hear what is going to be said when he reacts to what you want to tell him.

“Dean, you mind stepping away from Michael because I dont want him to hear when you react to this ok” you instruct him to be away from him while you tell him about your heat and among other things and didnt want Michael to be an ear shot away.

“Uh, ok” he says while he tells Michael that he would be a minute and needed to step out.

'Great they had lunch together' you thought to yourself as you lean against the door frame

“Whats going on? You’re beginning to scare me here, sounding all cryptic” he says with worry

“Its my heat Dean it came” you tell him and stop yourself from going into further detail.

“Are you ok? Do you need me to come home? Where is Cas?” he asks with one sentence and you barely made out what he had said.

“Im fine, the worst is out of the way. Now they are going to wave through a couple of hours at a time. Castiel is still here and he helped me with the waves” you tell him as you get quieter at the end of you conversation with your brother.

“Im so glad he is still there other wise I would have just came driving home if he wasnt. Well at least he knows what to do with you, I mean you two have more in common than we do” he says as he sounds relieved that Cas was around to look after you.

“No, Dean. He helped me through the worst of the heat and he is going to continue helping me get through this” you say while clearing up the explanation.

“You mean to tell me that Cas is helping you through your heat as in the both of you are well you know” he says while he gets really uncomfortable speaking the word of sex to you or just you and sex in a more general sentence.

“Sex Dean. Look I know he is your mate and all and I just wanted to tell you myself before you came home from work. I just didnt want you to be mad at me for fondling your mate and he offered to help me through this because he knows how it is at the very stages of the heat when it comes. He helped me to the room, told him where the toys were and if it were him I would do the same in helping him out to and I wouldnt let him suffer like that” you went on to explain further more and admitted you would do the same for him.

Even though he would need an actual knot but when it came to relieving the heat that comes along you had experimented with the toys you had.

You always made sure it was angled to hit the most sensitive spot and grinded it out till you came knowing that would settle the heat from coming on strong.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, y/n I would never be mad at you for my mate helping you out. Like I said you two have more in common than we do and he knows exactly what to do when it comes to the heats. Plus I never liked you having to deal with your heats alone and I am really happy he is there to help you through the worst. I cant be mad because I know for a fact that either of you cannot complete a bond between the both of you anyways and knowing for sure that either of you cant get pregnant while with each other. You have no worries with me being mad at the both of you. Now if he was Beta then we would be having a whole different conversation about this and this would be a whole different out come.” he says with a very sincere tone in his voice as he telling all of this and you begin to feel very relieved about telling him in the first place.

“I was flipping out before I even called and for sure that you would be pissed at me for even touching your mate. I am just really glad you are understanding to all of this, really thank you it means a lot coming from you” you tell him while leaning your head against the wall as you talk to him on the phone.

Castiel comes back to the room with a tray of food in his hands, he settles the tray beside as you move over to make room for him on the bed and he steps into bed as well.

“I think I am just going to take the suppressants after this” you say and Cas whips his head towards you all wide eyed in complete shock.

“What?” is all that Dean could get out of his mouth as soon as you heard suppressants.

“Yeah, I have been thinking about this for a while and I looked online its totally safe for me to get them. The state of Washington doesnt have the same rules as Sioux Falls or any where else for that matter and basically its safe for all Omega to go on suppressants on the west coast. We dont need to worry about the government snooping around for them to tell the Officials from the Academies to arrive” you tell him further and make sure that Cas hears what you are telling your brother.

“I dont know baby girl, it still scares me ok. Lets check with Sam first to see if this is really legitimate ok and in the mean time just take care of yourself ok. We will talk more about these suppressants when you are done the heat ok?” he asks and you knew talking about suppressants scared Dean a lot, heck it scared you a lot but it was something to consider.

“Ok, I'll see you when you get home ok” you tell him finally after the both of you being silent for a few moments.

“Yeah I will see you when I get home from work, and make sure the both of you eat something alright” he says before getting off the phone with you.

“I will make sure, later” you hang up the phone after the conversation with Dean and look to Cas who still is in complete shock at the mentions of you going on suppressants

“Are you really serious about going on suppressants?” he asks not taking his gaze off from you.

“Yeah I have been thinking about this for a while after we moved here and thought I would talk to my brothers about it first and see how they feel about it. I already know how Dean feels about me taking those medications” you tell him as you take a piece of chicken from the plate thats on the tray between you and Cas.

“I just want to take control of this stupid heat just like I control other things going on and this is the number one thing I know I can take care of by taking something that will keep my heat at bay” you tell Cas by looking to him a few times and look away again because you didnt want to break down mid sentence while explaining to him on how you feel about your heat.

“Well if this is something that you want then all I can do is support you no matter what and I am not saying this because you are my boss but because you are dear to me now and family” he says looking to you as he takes your hand in his to entwine them together and you know that he is being very sincere and genuine.

After a few days that your heat is passed and all that lingers is the scent that is left behind and to be on the safe side you closed shop for a few more days to make sure your scent wasnt in the air anymore. As the weekend comes is when Sam leaves to the city with Sarah and maybe who knows if they were going to come back mated.

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[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.