#ok wait why am i just learning that he is a scorpio

[sailorhyunjinz]

Alright so since bangchan is the type to definitely have trust issues and super insecure i feel like he had a relationship before but was faced with reality that is nothing lasts forever. So that's why i think even he feels like a perfect relationship exists and won't date anyone easily. My point is what's that thing that would make skz members date you👀👀

no this is so fun, IM REALLY GONNA TRY TO LIKE,,, be a spiritual queen (LMAOJGDAHSD IM NOT BUT LIKE,,, lemme pretend like i am) but i think i would have to agree with you. BUT LEMME SEE WHAT I CAN SENSE

also all the astrology in this is kinda half assed since we dont know their exact birth time BUT LETS JUST KINDA,,, wing it. also not saying that someone only needs one of these aspects in an relationship, you obviously need all of them but these are just the ones that stood out more than others. 

Bangchan

Trust.

ohoho,,, this is important.

his trust has been broken far too many times and therefore he doesnt trust people as easily (just like anon said heh,,)

except,,, he does,, because as soon as somebody shows even an ounce of affection he pours his entire soul into this person

which is both good and bad

you have to be the one to open up first because he’s now hesitant

take the first step, show him that you’re actually interested in his mind, his thoughts, his soul, everything about him

only then will he know whether you are worth his time or not.

Minho

Mystery.

he loves people that are hard to get 

not too much tho cause then he will lose interest completely

but if you are mysterious it means that he gets to uncover your personality bit by bit

he will know things no one else knows about you

which makes him feel so special 

he likes this mutual exchange you guys have when the both of you get to know each other more and more since he’s also kinda mysterious in the beginning

but then when you actually do get to know him its so rewarding and vice versa

ah,,, he’s the cutest, showing sides of himself he doesnt show to anyone else!

also wanting to add this; scorpio sun, scorpio venus... I MEAN COME ON,,,

Changbin

Loyalty

i get this feeling that he’s VERY picky 

its not that he thinks he’s better then anyone else, he’s very humble and stuff 

but he’s afraid to get hurt?? or like get in a relationship that will end messy

and so he’s VERY careful,,, but if you show him that you are loyal to him and ONLY him he will love you unconditionally. 

i mean nobody likes someone thats not loyal duh but its so important for his to know that you will stick with him through his,,, even a bit questionable ideas and plans

but he makes it up to you since he’s always very loving because you give him this sense of being appreciated and seen

which feeds his sun and moon leo OOP- 

Hyunjin

Respect. 

if he’s not careful he will date the wrong people

and he will forgive them even if they’ve hurt him

he’s too nice for his own good basically

so if you show that you have respect for his bounderies he will love you more than anyone

he expects you to treat him the same way he treats you 

which is very very good btw

very respectful of bounderies and always asks for permission whatever it might be 

he’s also very emotional (pieces sun and pieces venus,,, yikes)

NOT THAT THERES ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT

but he gets to get his emotions tangled and devalues them

so please,,, take care of this ferret boy. 

Jisung

Emotional Intelligence

i know everybody likes to think of him as this always happy person, an actual giggle machine but his thoughts are very deep

this is gonna sound weird but if you display weaknesses he has mad respect for you

somebody that is in tune with their feelings and can help others with genuine advice and not just telling them to “calm down” or “not worry” 

THAT!! THAT IS HIS KINK (lmao- ok stop making this sexual)

he doesnt want to be alone in his struggles and if you have been through something similar to him he will cling to you as if theres no tomorrow

HE’S A SENSITIVE BABY :((

Felix

Comfort. 

i dont know why but i keep hearing the word “ok” or “i am ok” which is great but,,, i feel like he craves that, he craves someone that will keep him in that “ok” state.

he’s afraid of his feelings.

sounds ~deep~ but whenever he’s feeling down he tends to be drawn to comforting people

like chan for example! ok sure,,, chan is their leader but he’s a very comforting soul and he just throws himself onto him

he would so the same with a s/o

show him a safe space and he will never leave~! 

he’s been alone many times in his life and he never wants to be there again and therefore he will be very clingy 

but its cute

BUT PLEASE DONT BREAK THIS SAFE SPACE FOR HIM UNLESS YOU WANT HIM TO BREAK :((

Seungmin

Innocence.

not in like,,, a sexual sense or whatever but more like,,, kinda this free spirit that both wants to lead him and be led kinda??

he likes to take care of people but doesnt get to do that too often so if you show that you like to be taken care of he will do it kinda subconsiously

almost like a mama bird taking care of their baby (w-wait this is so cute :c)

hmmm i feel like he’s very much also kinda a free spirit,, liking whoever he likes, whoever he vibes with

but theres one thing that will never ever attract him and thats being quarrelsome

yeah sure! voice your opinions! he’s all for that but dont be defensive, starting arguments because he’s a) scared of argumentative people and b) will get tired of trying to battle you with words

Jeongin

Charm

this is gonna be so fitting but he wants a fox-like partner

somebody that knows how to use their brain and can captivate others with their general charisma

somebody whose scent will linger around but who is never seen

its very very sexy,,, when you have this confidence about you, walking around like you know who you are and what your purpose is

he also likes it if you can give him actual feedback and voice your opinion!

he wants to learn from you, look up to you and be you good little boy

that doesnt mean he can’t be leading, he definitely can but he wants someone reliable to lean back on sometimes

wants to be cuddled

bonus points if you’re very giggly and touchy sometimes

[justanotherteentitansblog]

Bbrae week day 3 Starry Nights

(A/N I am an astrology hoe and that is the entire basis for this fanfiction. This is based on Gar’s actual birth chart based on his canon birthday. I can reveal his whole chart later and explain what it means if there’s interest. Also enjoy the brief lesson on astrology.)

“I don’t care what you have to say about that, Gar. I refuse to believe you,” 

Garfield trailed behind Raven on the way to her room several paces in front of him, “What did I even say that was so unbelievable?” 

Raven scoffed and turned to him so sharply that he almost ran into her, “There is no way in all the nine circles of hell, that you are a scorpio.” 

Gar threw up his hands in frustration and confusion, “What?! Yes I am! Why is that such an incredible thing to you?”

“Because Beast Boy, I’m a scorpio. A scorpio, you are not. You have to be mistaken, when’s your birthday?” 

“November 12th.” 

Raven’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. “Are you sure?” 

“About my own birthday?” Gar scoffed, “Yeah Rae, I’m pretty sure.” 

“OK, so you are a scorpio...you sure don’t act like it...what’s your moon sign?” 

“My what?” 

Raven sighed, “We’re just gonna have to do your whole birth chart, I need to get to the bottom of this. You have to have Aries or Leo or something in your big six or else you’re just a total enigma.” 

“You just said a whole lot of words that make absolutely no sense to me, but whatever you say Raven.” 

Raven continued her brisk pace to her room while Gar stared after her, she instinctively punched in the code and stood in the open doorway turning to look back at Gar. 

“Gar, come on.” 

The changeling balked at the sudden invitation, “You’re room? As in, YOU’RE room?” 

“All of my books on astrology are in here and there’s too many to bring out in the common area, so you might as well come in, but DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!” 

“Oh trust me, after accidentally being sucked into your mind a few years ago, I’m too scared to,” he said, stiffly entering the room and taking a tentative seat on the floor. 

After a short interview about the year, time and place of his birth, Raven got to work sketching out a circle with several connecting lines and symbols that seemed to mean something to her. 

Gar looked over her shoulder in curiosity as his warm breath grazed her cheek. Raven shuddered at the sudden intimacy of the moment but Gar was too transfixed on Raven’s work to notice. 

“So what is that?” 

Raven continued sketching without looking up, “It’s your birth chart, essentially it’s a map of the stars and planets and where they were at the time of your birth.” 

“Ah, right, makes sense. You really take this astrology stuff pretty seriously huh?” 

“I have to,” Raven said, connecting another line in the circle. 

“How come?” 

“How do you think they foretold the prophecy?” 

“So wait, your birth chart is just…” 

“It shows who you are and what is going to happen in your lifetime, but foretelling the future through astrology means getting into the houses and I don’t have enough training in that area to give you accurate predictions.” 

“So if not to tell the future then why are we doing this?” 

“To figure you out, and why you are the way you are.” 

The tone in the room shifted and Gar's mouth spread wide in a mischievous grin. He leaned forward, and whispered in Raven’s ear, his hot breath tickling her neck, “And why do you want to figure me out so badly?” 

Raven dropped the pen in her hand as her face went crimson and goosebumps appeared all over her body. With a shaky hand, she palmed the changeling’s face and effectively pushed him away from her, knocking him back on his butt. “Cut it out! I’m trying to work!” her voice cracked. 

Raven picked up the pen and finished the last few lines of the chart and stood back to admire her work. 

“Ok that makes a little more sense, but also raises many more questions.” 

Gar looked back over her shoulder, the chart still not making any sense to him, and then leaned back resting on his elbows. “Alright then, lay it on me mama. Explain me to me.” 

Raven glared at the man on her floor, “How many times have I told you not to call me that?” Raven rolled her eyes knowing it was a lost cause. “I’m just going to explain your big six to you, these are the most powerful planets in your chart and sort of explain your personality.” 

Raven cracked open one of her astrology books to reference and began, 

“Starting with your ascendent sign, also known as your rising sign, this dictates how you present yourself to the world. Your rising sign is in Aries is in which makes much more sense for you.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“Aries is considered the child of the zodiac, explaining why you come off as so immature.” 

“Hey! I’m not that immature” sticking his tongue out in Raven’s direction. 

Raven cocked an eyebrow at the changeling, “Only further proving my point…next is your sun in scorpio. Your sun sign is the lens through which you see the world, so you see the world as a scorpio. Scorpio’s are known for being secretive, they tend to come with a lot of trauma and um...a high sex drive…” Raven’s face colored at the last statement. 

Gar smirked flirtatiously , “Hey Rae, didn’t you say you were also a scorpio?” 

Raven’s voice cracked again, as she continued, “MOving on to your moon in sagittarius…” 

Gar rolled his eyes and rested his cheek on his fist, she was taking all the fun out of his game. 

“The moon marks emotions and one’s true self, who you are way deep down. Your moon being in sagittarius means you’re a natural optimist, probably outdoorsy, but irresponsible.” 

“Yeah that sounds about right for me.” 

“Next is your mercury, which marks communication skills. Your mercury is also in scorpio..” 

“Which means I talk sexy too!” 

Raven rolled her eyes in annoyance, “Can you get off the sex thing?” she grumbled.  

“Trust me Rae, there’s nothing more I’d like to do right now than get off.” 

Raven pinched the bridge of her nose, she was really starting to regret inviting him into her room. 

“Mercury in Scorpio, means you’re more observant than you make it seem, and people tend to come to you to talk about their problems, also you love to talk...and talk and talk..” She grumbled. 

“What is this, the roast of Garfield Logan?” 

“That’s essentially what a birth chart reading is. Next is your venus, that marks how you love or what kind of partner you would be in a relationshi-” Raven paused looking at his venus on his birth chart. 

“What’s wrong? Does it say I suck as a boyfriend?” 

“No actually, quite the opposite. You have one of the best placements for your venus. Your Venus is in libra. Um, that means you’d essentially make a really great boyfriend.” 

Gar wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Raven, “I don’t know Rae, the stars don't lie..” 

“Are you trying to get kicked out?” Raven glowered. 

“No ma’am, I’ll behave!” Beast Boy looked up at her sheepishly. 

“Ok, last but not least, we have your mars also being in Aries. Mars marks desire for action and physical energy.” 

Raven looked at him expectantly but Garfield had bit his lip to keep whatever disgusting remark he had inside his head. ‘So he can learn,’ Raven thought to herself. 

“Good boy” Raven praised him for his restraint. 

It was now his turn to blush, “Listen, I’m not gonna be able to hold my remarks back if you’re going to sit here and turn me on!” 

Raven rubbed her temples in annoyance, “and you were doing so well, too…your mars in Aries means you’re impulsive, you get mad quickly but you also get over it quickly, and you’re very energetic.” 

Gar quietly grumbled more sexual innuendo to himself and Raven had just about enough.

“Alright, get out. I should’ve never brought you in here, you’re driving me crazy.” 

Gar lazily stretched and got up seeing himself out of Raven’s room, he paused at the open doorway and turned to his teammate. 

“I don’t know Rae, all I heard was that I’d be great at sex and make a great boyfriend,” he lightly booped her on the nose, “So that’s just something for you to think about,” he said with a wink. 

“GET OUT!” Raven’s eyes went red with her anger as the changeling scurried away. 

Raven’s door slid shut with a hiss as she threw her astrology book in a huff as color flooded her face a third time. She hated when he was right.  

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

hello!!! i'd like to request a piece of 🍰 please <3 apologies for incoming info dump about my Entire Life :| & thank u so much darling!

basic information — i use she/her and i'm bisexual, an infj, and a scorpio. a yachi kinnie :)

appearance — i'm a 5'0 asian girl with long black hair and dyed caramel tips! my body type is petit and skinny - lack of butt, unfortunately, but i got some tibby! overall im pretty tiny and always look younger than my age lol. i also wear glasses because i am Very Near Sighted, and my clothing style is a weird mix between cutesy-pastel-female-kpop-idol fits, indie teenage girl, and faux cottagecore.

personality — i'm a rather introverted person, but i'm trying my best to work on that. i have depression, anxiety, and adhd, but i'm always telling myself uplifting things and trying to work on my mindsets, so i'd like to say that i'm also sincere and compassionate! i'm also very adaptable and easily influenced by the behaviors of people around me. i think at first impression, i look standoffish and judgemental, but i think it's because i lack the confidence to say what i think and express my emotions, which i'm also working on! once i'm comfortable, i think i'm a very funny, intelligent, and caring person (i'm an extremely sensitive person and receptive to others' emotions — i cried a LOT watching karasuno v shiratorizawa 😐), but i can also tease and be a little sarcastic if the relationship calls for it. i get very affectionate and touchy with close friends too! long story short - i might seem awkward and quiet, but give me a moment— i'm trying, and i'll get there eventually, and i think that'll be worth waiting for. :)

hobbies — i like to do visual art things, like sketch pretty anime boys and also cross-stitch and make calligraphy! i'm a bullet-journaler :) i also love love LOVE learning languages and about different cultures, especially asian ones. i think i'm a pretty studious person when i get into it but i do procrastinate a lot T____T i'm also super into playing genshin impact, but i easily hop interests, so one day i'll be on this and the next, it's something else i'm rambling about. get ready to get ur ear talked off about wtv i love that week <3

likes + dislikes — i like anime, bts (!!), and otome games :> i also enjoy desserts, boba tea, flowers, and sudoku puzzles 🥺 i'm also a lover of learning, asian cultures, and dogs (also cats, but mostly dogs!) <3 i reallllyyyyyy want a pet snake one day too 🥺 family is also very important to me because i'm the youngest of 7 children! i dislike spiders snd working out (seriously the last person to want to do any type of fitness). all that "moving" jazz... volleyball is the only sport i'll probably ever even bother to learn the rules of LMAO but do not expect me to play i will eat the floor </3 my arms are sticks and i will simply embarrass myself

what i want/need in a relationship — i have a pretty idealistic idea of romance - i want someone perfect, but i know that's not realistic. at the very least, i want someone who loves me very much and is honest about that. they also need to let me be affectionate and clingy, and will be the same way back, even if it's just a little bit. i'm someone who needs love and affirmation rather consistently, like a freaking plant. i NEED someone who'll make sure i'm doing things and being productive, and someone who will actively encourage me to both be a better person mentally and physically get things done. they also should be able to take care of me (i'm a youngest child so i like being babied~) <3

this is very long, apologies! thank you so much for your wonderful matchups, they're so detailed and you work very hard on them, i can tell. thank you for your hard work!! kisses 4 u! <3

@mochiiswan ok I see you stealing my husband from me 🥲

Romantic Matchup

Bokuto Koutarou

How yall met

Girl you were just having a bad day

Nothing seemed to be going right

So you showed up for school in a rather gloomy mood

Bokuto didn't know you

But he still didn't like how sad you seemed

So he approached you

He basically just started making small talk to try to cheer you up

You dont know why but his energy did seem to be having a positive effect on you

Bokuto really liked talking to you

And he was glad he was able to cheer you up

The bell had rung signaling it was time to go to class

But bokuto didn't wanna leave you

So he asked if you wanted to come watch his volleyball practice after school

You agreed to go

You went to his practice and bokuto found himself trying to impress you

He didn't know why

Wait...

“AKAASHI I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH”

😳

Yeah he straight up yelled that…

While you were in there…

After a quick advice break from akaashi

He asked you out on a date :)))

What they love about you

He loves that you try to improve yourself

It's one thing to have issues

But to acknowledge those issues and to want to fix them truly makes a strong person

So he loves that you love yourself enough to improve on yourself

And he WILL help you in any way he can

Eek

He loves how sensitive you are

Bb boy is sensitive too

So he's glad he's found someone to cry with when a dog dies in a movie

(Also do any of you cry when a dog dies but doesn't when a human does? No? Just me?)

He loves how you value family

Im convinced bokuto is a family man

He loves his parents and his sisters more than anything

So he's glad he's found someone with the same values as him

HE LOVES HOW CLINGY YOU ARE

DO NOT EVEN HESITATE WITH THIS BOY

You can't tell me ocultos love language isn't physical touch

Come on now

LOOK AT HIM

You will get all the physical affection you could ever dream of

Favorite things to do together

Ok hear me out

He just likes going to the pound…

And looking at the animals with you

and/or

He likes volunteering at the animal shelter with you

You+cute animals=happy bokuto

Random HC

You drew him doing a spike once and he bout cried

Keeps the drawing in his phone case and pulls it out to brag

You take me as a hopeless romantic

And good news for you

Bokutos a hopeless romantic too :)

So your relationship is the closest to perfect relationships can get

He 100% keeps you on track

Mans is like a personal trainer istg

However don't expect to be productive with him around...

He did try to get you to play volleyball

And you did in fact eat the floor </3

Astrology

When Virgo and Scorpio join together in a love match, these Signs that are two apart in the Zodiac are brought together.

Their placement gives the relationship an intense karmic bond

The Virgo-Scorpio couple is loyal and deep, with very strong ties.

Virgo and Scorpio enjoy working together toward acquisition: Virgo wants order and Scorpio wants power.

Both of these Signs are about resources, including inheritances and property.

This couple is very service-oriented and known to be dependable.

They like to lend a hand to a friend or to the community.

Additionally, Virgo can be withdrawn — while Scorpio is more opaque and outgoing.

Because of the disparity, both Signs can learn from one another if they can agree to meet halfway.

Virgo is ruled by Mercury and Scorpio is ruled by Mars and Pluto.

This combination is very heated, thanks to Pluto’s influence.

The two Signs unite to form the basic foundation of human relationships — Mercury’s communication and Mars’s passion.

Mercury and Mars go well together; Mercury is about the conscious mind, and Mars is about the passion of romance.

Scorpio is rambunctious and intense, and Virgo is attracted to this energy.

In turn, Scorpio needs the loyalty and practicality inherent in Virgo.

Overall Aesthetic

Pastelcore

Songs-

Are you bored yet - wallows

Strawberry Mentos - Leanna Firestone

Hey Lover - Wabie

Mystery of Love - Sufjan Stevens

[divinedevana]

Sun sextile Pluto Natal Pt. 2

Sun in Sagittarius in the 4th House sextile Pluto in Scorpio in the 3rd House. I’ve always felt like I was meant to do big things, don’t ask me what that is because I am still trying to figure it out, all I know is that there’s something there, just waiting to come out. Individuals with this aspect have the gift of solving problems, puzzles, and synchronicities are like gospel to me. This aspect requires and individual to go through experiences that are tough, extreme crisis and pain are very much a part of everyday life. Because of the high volatility in most circumstances it makes the person appear to have a tough attitude. We’ve seen and been through some shit so we have a survivor mentality. No matter how difficult things get, we will survive it, we carry that resilience from the Sun and the rebirth and transformation from the Pluto. Making us the rising phoenix. 

Pain and crisis is necessary for an individual to take the power given by Pluto, and use it for creative energy, the planet of self expression, the Sun. This makes you a force to be reckoned with, a force of nature, you just have to find your purpose. I didn’t always think like this. I was very much in the low vibrations of Scorpio, bitter, nasty, envious, jealous and manipulative. I didn’t understand why life was so hard for me and easy for others. Why me? What did I do? Was my response to all of the struggles and pain I had to go through. But you have this gift, this potential, and you can use it to destroy or you can use it to create. The reason these individuals have such incredible willpower is because the Sun represents the conscious will. People who know my story ask me all the time, “How do you do it”? “How are you ok”? And I really don’t have a solid answer for them. The negative to this aspect can create a person who is a control freak, this is something that I have had to work a long time on. Anything happening where I could not be in control of something was like a no go for me. I learned that the hard way many times, and it wasn’t until this year that I had to let go. When I let go, and let the universe handle what needed to be handled, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. Sometimes you just need to loosen the reins. 

Because the Sun represents how the father shapes the identity, individuals will discover this power they carry of being destructive to others and also themselves. Because if we are being destructive to others, we are being destructive to ourselves. This is from the connection to the father. This can play in to both of my fathers, biological and step. My biological father was absent, with the exception of  rare phone calls but that was it, he was not a part of my life. This it made it real hard to trust people and life situations, it left deep psychological scars along with “Daddy Issues”. My stepdad became my stepdad when I was 5 years old, and everything seemed great. But it wasn’t until my sister was born when I was 8 years old and when I started going through puberty did his tone change. He became verbally abusive in mostly subtle ways...almost like a cruel joke kind of way...making fun of my big feet and calling my chest “bee stings”. Or more overtly, telling me that my little sister could do better math than I could. Corporal punishment was a thing as well, my mom says we never got spanked with a belt but I remember touching the welts while sitting on the cold bathroom, I don’t know where she was but she definitely was in another world as usual. By the way I am not saying spanking is bad but not with a belt. He was very domineering, manipulative and very controlling and he kept his dark side hidden very well, but I know its there, it’s plane as day in his chart, and it is nasty but he hides it so well that I am pretty much the only one who knows what he really is. All these things were destined to create a volcano inside of me. I am not one to kept caged and controlled. Be prepared to meet someone far worse than yourself. My childhood made me a highly guarded, and secretive individual, because he made me feel threatened, you see my stepdad used to play mind games. For example, he would randomly take my brother (only blood sibling) and I on long quiet drives out to the desert for no reason. I remember sitting in the backseat with my brother thinking that this was it, he’s finally gonna get rid of us. Who does that? Everyone know what happens when people are taken to the desert. So he would play mind games with us. My stepdad has demons in his own head that he refuses to work out and he took them out on me, and sometimes my brother. Well I developed my identity by working through my own demons, there’s been many times when I question whether I am good or bad, if I’m evil, and I hide this so well. But sometimes...when provoked...that person that I keep hidden deep inside, comes out, and it sends a shockwave through those who are involved, which in turn makes me feel like I really am a bad person. The fact of the matter is we all have shadow energy, we just need to know when to bring it out and when to keep it contained. We are all capable of bad things but we are also capable of great things. 

I have died many times in this lifetime. Old parts of me are dead and gone. Like I’ve stated before, I am no stranger to endings and beginnings, this is nature, nothing must remain the same for growth. I have lit many a bridge and stared hypnotically into the raging flames. I have been many different people, just like the seasons I change methodically to get to a better me. I look back on life and think wow that was really me, and it’s the weirdest feeling. There’s a lot of people who do not like facing their demons, they don’t want to acknowledge those dark, ugly, scary and manipulative parts of themselves. I know what I am, and people who acknowledge what they are intimidate others, they scare them, because they don’t know their power, but I do. One of the defining characteristics of Sun-Pluto individuals is their intensity. I have found that I cannot connect with people who are superficial, if you are not deep I find it very hard to converse as I am not a skin deep person. With this aspect it gives the individual has the ability to become confident (Sun) in our shadow work (Pluto). We are not oblivious to negative aspects to our personality, and strive for improvement. Channeling this energy in a positive way is imperative. We must use this force of nature gift for healing in ourselves and for healing in others. I’ve been the hurricane in many relationships, hurting those who have hurt me. I didn’t just hurt them, I destroyed them. The older I got the more I wanted to purge this diseased way of thinking. I want to be like a healing mineral hot spring not a hurricane. I have to stop thinking that I am not good inside. We are all capable of nasty things, but the focus she be on the great things we can do. That’s where dying comes in, in order to transform we must die. 

[isrustandstardust]

1. What’s been the best day of your life so far and why?

Hard to decide, I had so many great days.

2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?

It was with my best friend at the time, in my parents garden. It was early morning after a night spent talking, her lips were really soft.

3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?

I could have handled a break up better. I ended up hurting someone I cared for.

4. When was the last time you laughed so hard that tears fell from your face and what was it at?

With my husband, yesterday night. We were actually making fun of someone we know.

5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?

Moving in with a guy I barely knew in a city 400km away from all my family and friends.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?

Nothing comes to mind rn.

7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?

I have my arms covered in scars. All of them are from self harming.

8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?

In another house, maybe abroad.

9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?

I’m for the free of choice. I’ve tried drugs only a few times and not drinking atm.

10. What are your views on religion?

Brainwashing shit.

11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?

Yes, more than once. I tried, twice, when I was 21 and going through a lot. The second time I almost succeeded and woke up in the hospital after being unconscious and intubated for a week.

12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.

- I am bipolar, borderline and have a schizoafective disorder.

- I dream about Satan and the end of the world on daily basis.

- When I was little I used look for little animals to bury and exhume after a while to see how decomposition works.

- I’ve been into witchcraft and rituals since I was 16.

- I write backwards like Leonardo Da Vinci.

13. What’s your zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality?

I’m a Scorpio and it fits perfectly.

14. Pinpoint a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

When my storyboard teacher remembered me from my online test because it was a perfect score.

15. Discuss your first love.

We were young and trying too hard.

16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 5 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.

- Don’t mess with me - Brody Dalle. It’s from the soundtrack of a game I love.

- Distance - 4bidden. It relaxes me.

- As the rain comes down - 0K(ill)’s. Because I’m working on their new videoclip.

- 8-MQ 16.10.2001 - 0K(ill)’s. Because it’s inspired by an Italian female serial killer. The title is composed by her initials and date of death.

- Rock and Roll - Gary Glitter. It makes me want to misbehave.

17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

Iceland.

18. What’s your earliest memory?

My dad taking me to Collodi.

19. What are your views on mainstream music?

It’s heartless and all about making money.

20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?

High: starting officially my character designer career. Low: my mother in law and old dog passing away in less than a month.

21. What are your strongest beliefs?

I believe in being direct and honest. Do no harm but take no shit.

22. Who are you closest to in your family?

My dad maybe.

23. How important do you think education is?

It’s fundamental.

24. What’s one of your favorite shows?

My 600lbs life XD

25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

I’m more secure of myself and my capabilities.

26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.

- Tom Hiddleston.

- Mads Mikkelsen.

- Hugh Dancy.

- Michael Fassbender.

- Matthew Good.

27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.

3 Iron, in the mood for love. Because they’re sad but huntingly beautiful.

Stoker because psycho killers turn me on.

The fountain because is eternal and heartbreaking.

28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?

I am fascinated by fictional characters. Like Hannibal Lecter. Yeah, again psycho killers.

29. What kind of person attracts you?

Intelligent people.

30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?

My body is giving up on me xD

31. Name something that you miss.

The lake.

32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.

- Doing at least 15 designs.

- Double up my workout time.

- Completing my very first song.

- Take that online course I’ve been postponing for lack of time.

- Get a hold of a camera and go shooting.

33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point?

Highlight: doing a shit ton of sales on my shop. Lowest point: I don’t recall one, it’s been a pretty good month so far.

34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?

Being the side chick.

35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?

Not being good enough. It can be traced back to my mom being a terrible mother.

36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?

- Natacha Atlas - GAFSA. Because it’s in the soundtrack of 3Iron.

- Morcheeba - Over and over again. I find I’d perfectly fitting.

- Portishead - Wandering star. Because it remembers me of someone from my past.

37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?

I had a plush of a rhino called Mr. Turkelton [Scrubs reference] that was so dear to me. It’s with my ex, we bought it together and he kept it. Still miss him tho.

38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death?

My mother in law. She was more of a mom to me than my own mother.

39. What is your purpose in life?

Being happy and create beautiful things.

40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?

I do not remember, but I guess it was during my mil’s funeral.

41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do?

I would love to spend a day with the Mass Effect’s cast playing the game!

42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?

Tool. Because I’m a masochist.

43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.

Likes:

- Being open minded.

- Being stubborn.

- Being so will powered.

Dislikes:

- Being insecure.

- Being so unable to handle rage that I keep extremely calm until the moment I explode and get cruel and violent.

- Being unable to let go of things that enrage me.

44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make?

I’m pretty good at it. I love to make fresh pasta.

45. What was the last decision you regretted making?

Drinking that glass of milk, now my stomach hurts.

46. Who’s opinion of yourself do you value the most?

Mine. And then my husband’s. I don’t care of no one else’s opinion.

47. What’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said to another human being and what drove you to say it?

I demolished a guy who was in love with me telling him exactly what I knew it would break him. I did it because he tried to act like I was his property and then got aggressive when I didn’t act accordingly.

48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?

Nasty things don’t get to me, I don’t listen to what people say, especially when it comes from someone I don’t care for or I despise. The things that hurt me the most was saying goodbye to someone I was not ready to let go.

49. You can ask your favourite celebrity 3 questions and she’s taken a magical truth pill so she will 100% answer honestly, what do you ask?

Maybe some technical stuff, Idk. I have no ‘favorite celebrity ‘ so...

50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?

I don’t care about leaving a mark in a dying world tbh.

51. What makes you most angry?

Liars, incoherent people, delusional people, copycats.

52. Who do you think is a really underrated artist and what do you love about them?

There are a lot of really underrated artists out there trying their very best and being bashed by online algorithms. Support the artists you like!

53. What are the main qualities you look for when thinking about a significant other?

Intelligence, honesty and having moral values.

54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?

The first that comes to mind is waiting at home for me to return with a hot bath ready and a bed full of rose petals. It’s a cliche,Iknow. But I was young and in love.

55. What is one of your favorite memories?

I have so many, but thinking about the past makes me feel bittersweet.

56. What do you do when you really want to impress someone?

I just act normal, if they’re impressed, good. If not, it’s ok.

57. What are your 3 favourite animals and why?

- Snakes: They’re so fascinating.

- Crows: they’re extremely intelligent.

- Sharks: natural born predators.

58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?

A trip to Paris and a trip to Disneyland.

59. People always go around saying ‘oh I’m their biggest fan’, but what does being a truly big fan of someone mean to you?

Idk, I just like people. I don’t obsess over them.

I obsess over things I like, but not over some individual I don’t know.

60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?

I want more money XD

61. What is something you feel like you are really good at?

Drawing. Hopefully making music, but it’s way to early to say.

62. What is something you feel like you can get better at?

Drawing, there’s always room for improving.

63. What is something you feel like you are really bad at?

Hiding when I despise someone. And bowling.

64. If you were given $3,000,000 to put towards 3 charities/foundations ($1 mil each obvs), what would you choose and why?

Wildlife protection, animal shelters, planet’s preservation.

65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?

My roommates came back from Xmas holidays one day earlier to have dinner with me because I was alone. And another brought me Xmas dinner a few days before.

66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?

I work :/

67. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?

Make a nice home studio.

68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?

I would actually change the opponent party. They’re dreadful.

69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?

Xmas, because it feels like happiness.

70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you rememer even though they were a complete stranger.

A stranger helped me when my nose was bleeding like crazy and I was alone in a mall. He also bought me an orange juice.

71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?

Motoko Kusanagi.

72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?

Reptile - NIN. Don’t know why.

73. Put the 7 deadly sins in order of the one you commit the most to the least.

Wrath - Lust - Pride - Sloth - Greed - Gluttony - Envy.

74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?

I’m already married and we danced over Christian Woman by Type 0 Negative XD

75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?

Someone told me I look like Butterfly from Death Proof and like Amy Lee from Evancescence.

I really don’t see it.

76. What’s one thing you can not live without?

Art. And music.

77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?

Going away.

78. Do you hate someone.

No, I dislike a lot of people, I think the world would be better off if some of them would die, it I do not hate them.

79. What are 3 things that have happened in your life that you’ve never forgotten? Big or small, just things you know you won’t ever forget and still seem crystal clear now.

- Almost dying.

- Getting married.

- Signing for my very first house.

80. What comes first to you out of friendships and relationships, and why?

They’re equally important.

81. What’s your favourite children’s tv show/movie?

Muppets: a Christmas Carol.

82. What song makes you cry the most?

Together we will live forever - Clint Mansell.

83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?

Operation Petticoat.

84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?

Trying human flesh.

85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?

A lot. Just, a lot.

86. What’s your biggest fear?

Being abandoned.

87. What is your favorite food?

Red meat, pistachio ice cream.

88. Least favorite food? Why?

Celery.

89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why?

Not that I recall of.

90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?

I always keep a journal, I write in it pretty much everything, dreams, feelings, ideas, thoughts.

91. When was the last time you said something nice to someone & what made you do it?

This morning to my husband, because he deserves it.

92. How do you feel when someone says something mean/disrespectful towards your fave celeb?

Couldn’t care less? Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, even if it’s a shitty one.

93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?

Milena Quaglini’s.

94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?

Violante, Lavinia and Artemisia.

95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?

I have two. Valeria and Maria.

96. How did your name get chosen? What’s the story behind it?

My dad found it in a sci-fi book back when he was a teenager. It was the name of the first baby girl born on the moon.

97. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for each of your faves e.g. waiting in line for hours, getting up early to see them on tv etc?

I watched a streaming reunion in the middle of the night on N7 day.

98. Are you a virgin?

No.

99. What are the stories behind your tattoos/piercings and if you don’t have any, would you like any?

I have wings because I’ve always been obsessed with winged figures and angels.

I have a lot of movies/books quotes because they all means something to me.

I have cherry petals because of Hagakure.

The snowflake is the reminder of a very important person.

The moth is for my self destructive tendencies.

The witch is a homage to me.

The strawberry is a silly Adventure Time reference.

The snake is a biblical reference to both Lilith and Satan.

The Santa Muerte and the black goat are both linked to my beliefs.

100. Do you want to say something to the world?

Stop being stupid, stop making stupid people famous, open a book.

[silvanable]

Match-Up : Ikemen Vampire

@i-sleep-like-napoleon

Hello there dearie! I hope that life has been treating you well and that you've had a good day! 🥰🥰 Can i request a matchup with one of the ikemen vampire boys??

I'm a female on the libra-scorpio cusp and a Slytherin, I used to be an ENFP but now I'm an INFP

Appearance-wise, I'm 5'2, i've brown eyes and caramel brown hair. I'm also quite tanned from being out in the sun all the time.

Personality-wise:

- I really love food, especially sweets (dark chocolate is bae)

- I really hate horror movies (I'm usually pretty brave, but horror movies just get to me so much ergh, the jump scares are deffo a no no) but i love chick flicks and adventure flims

- I'm also a hopeless romantic, which is why even little romantic gestures can make my heart flutter

- I really love shooting alot (I'm part of the air rifle club in school).

- I used to be pretty athletic, I still am, but to a lesser extend now, because i injured my left knee playing volleyball in the past. It's on it's road to recovery, but it still hurts quite badly when i overexert myself.

- I can be really enthusiastic about stuff I'm really interested in, such as history (especially world war history), sciences and anime (I'm a closet nerd hehe) .

- I can be really ambitious and competitive, especially for my grades as i'm in a pretty good school so everyone is smart too. This drive to be better than the rest of peers always leaves me really tired and stressed out.

- I do try to not be so competitive nowsadays, but sometimes it still just happens.

- I'm quite an open book to all my close friends and i also tend to be really possessive and stubborn at times.

- I can be really awkward around people i don't click with, but around people i click with, i can be pretty wild and will be able to hold conversations with.

- I tend to procrastinate a lot, and people say i look intimidating but i don't feel like I'm intimidating.

- I can be really sensitive to other's emotions and i tend to put others before me.

- My love languages are physical touch and quality time

- I can't stand people who are attention seekers or just aim to be public nuisances as i feel that they're just really irritating and it gets on my nerves as i have quite a few of these types of people in my class and it really does make learning less condusive.

- I listen to a lot of different genres of music, but i especially love j-pop, classics and pop.

- I can really insecure at times, because i always feel that every other girl out there is better than me and i'm just trash :(

- I like dressing up and putting on makeup, but i do act like a tomboy most of the time (ie. I hate skirts).

- I also love playing the piano and singing as well, even though i'm not that good at it :D

- People tell me that I'm very curious and persistent, constantly pushing until i get answers, but i do know my limits.

- I'm also very passionate about things I love, and i would do anything to protect people that i care and love.

- I'm also very affectionate and supportive towards my close friends and people i love. - I do have trust issues and I often feel like i do not deserve love and that I hate people who betray my trust.

- I'm ok with pda, but not anything overly affectionate, like hand-holding and kissing is ok, but not making out 😳😖

- I also tend to be pretty forgettful, and i'll not eat for hours to get my work on hand done (whoop pretty unhealthy but :0)

- I'm also really sarcastic when i want to be, and i can't hold a poker face to save my life (i swear i always start laughing like 2 s⅛econds in)

- My sense of humour is kind of twisted at times but i really love memes and i tend to crack inappropriate jokes sometimes

- I've been told that i come across as really flirty to some guys but it's because i can be really touchy feely to my friends

- I'm also quick to anger, especially if i have a bad day, i hate people who nag and i hate people who put down others

- I'm kind of touch-starved, so i really like hugs and cuddles, but I'm also ticklish so my friends tend to tickle me when hugging me

- I also love reading and writing, and sometimes i would get stuck in my own fantasy world when i shouldn't 😂😂

- I'm also a drama queen around my friends, I dont have a lot of them in real life because of some rumours that others spread, so i only have a close circle of friends i really treasure and would do anything for them

- I also tend to bottle up all my anger and negative thoughts, and would sometimes like explode on others even though I don't mean to

- I love artic foxes and cats, dogs are too energetic for me 😅

- I'm also a sneaker hoarder and I love collecting and wearing sneakers heh

I hope that's enough infomation (hehe i think i gave too much 😅) and i hope to hear from you soon!! 😚😚

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

this is most certainly not too much information. i always appreciate lots of things to work with, makes my job easier and things more accurate, so i appreciate all of this!

i apologize for taking so long to get this back to you and i hope the wait was worth it!

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

↪  GUIDELINES

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

ー COMTE DE SAINT GERMAIN

i have to say with everything about yourself, you have so much knowledge and passion in so many different things the comte would be smitten by you without question.

despite being so small, your intimidating aura everyone happened to believe.

it was probably your temper that really set things in with your small but dangerous stature, everyone learned in the mansion very quickly that you were quite a firecracker.

comte was possibly one the first ones to discover you were not as scary as you were at first glance.

he also discovered the interesting fact that while you do not like skirts, you seem to still enjoy some dresses and were a fan of make up.

he made a note about that to tuck away in his mind, after all as his guest he wanted you to be as comfortable as possible here.

comte would be the one to explain things about the mansion to you, obviously because it was his, but also likely because you sought him out for answers.

you have that curiosity and persistence to ask the questions after finding out about the vampires in the mansion, the comte returned whatever question you might have with as much honesty as he could.

the more the comte would learn about you the more he would want to know more, you sparked a curiosity in him.

your passions are especially intriguing to him, he has visited many places and even times, but he enjoys hearing from you what you know and learn from your time about sciences and history.

your knowledge on world war history is especially intriguing to him. while the events are awful but you seem to light up when sharing what you know.

it was a bit of a shock to find out your skill as a shooter, not that it was a bad thing, just another intriguing hidden talent.

something he adores about you is your love of music.

on occasions you are in the music room, he has to stand and listen as you play the piano and sing.

he absolutely adores your voice.

as the relationship between you progresses he learns that not only do you struggle to keep a straight face but happen to be very transparent with your feelings.

he does not consider this honesty a bad thing but something quite admiral.

he has learned to pick up on the subtle hints of your feelings and knows how to try and lift your spirits.

your love of dark chocolate and food definitely comes into play when he wants to see a smile on your lips again.

not saying he would abuse the knowledge of you being ticklish but every now and then you can expect a few quick kisses against your neck, just a little tickle is all.

absolutely believe this man will spare no expense on you.

he wants you happy and at your best.

your minor injury from your athleticism would have him checking with you every now and then to make sure you are not pushing yourself ( he knows how ambitious and driven you can get! ).

even the slightest mention of you feeling tired or aching would have him prepare a long hot back for you to ease your aching muscles and hurt knee.

he would absolutely try and get you to rest, maybe read, and prop your injured leg with pillows.

i see an ideal date between you two more of you both spending time with each other than going out and doing much.

it’s that precious time with each other that you both real cherish as you cuddle up to one another.

the comte lives to feel you in his arms and have you rest your head against his chest while he runs his fingers through your hair.

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦

[glittercndgcld]

( 𝑝𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑥 𝑚𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎 )

  📲 text messages | @xboutlxstnightmuses​

peter Mon... I did something really, really stupid. And I'm sort of freaking out a little bit. Or a lot :disappointed_relieved:

monica Did you rob a bookstore while you were drunk? cause it is the only bad thing you are capable of do tell though.

peter Honestly, I wish that's what I've done last night. I don't even know how to say it... Uh, you know what? Nevermind.

monica ehm...with your own words, if you want? Okay, I will be here waiting....

peter judgement free zone... right?

monica ALWAYS

peter Promise?

monica I promise

peter So I went out last night for a drink. At some public event at a bar. And I ran into someone. Who may or may not have been a student...

monica Awwwww that is cook cool* and did you like...talked?

peter Yeah. We talked. You know I'm a lightweight. So is he, apparently. I had a lot of fun, Mon. But... I can't have that sort of fun with him. Never with him. Or with any other student for that matter. But I did. I didn't do anything! Nothing like, physical or anything. But... I had too good of a time.

monica hmmm is there any ....like...how should I call it...hmm attraction?

peter There might be... After last night, I see him a little differently. We got along really well. Too well, even.

monica hmm I bet you do That is good though? I did promise not to judge and I don't see anything bad until now but ....can I please please PLEASE AT LEAST tease you about it?

peter No, no. We got along in a way that made me want to buy his drinks and walk him home after... I even gave him my number when he asked. That is SO bad, Mon. No, absolutely not.

monica oh my god PETE you're smitten HE ASKED FOR YOUR NUMBER? I don't believe it is that bad As long as you keep that boundary of....what happens outside of class doesn't influence anything else and you'll be fine

peter I am not smitten, Monica. I just had a good time. It was almost too easy to talk to him and conversation just kept... flowing. Yeah, he did. And I gave it to him. So it's not a surprise that he texted me this morning. Apologizing. You think so? I mean, that's almost like you're saying it's not too bad to keep talking to him outside of class...

monica uh-huh Oh so now you are talking? It is something that happens when you like someone. YES... there's no harm in that I mean we know deep down what is good for us and apparently that guy is right for you, just not in all circumstances for now ;) tell me more about him :)

peter Yeah, we're texting right now. Which only made me freak out more and text you. I wasn't going to, but I tell you everything. It was just one night. I am not smitten after just one night. Really? I felt like it was just... so, so wrong. Besides, he's likely at least quite a few years younger than me. He's cute, Mon. He's really cute. I didn't realize how much until last night. He's smart, too. Honestly, one of the smarter ones in class, but I'm not supposed to say that.

monica OH MY GOD You made all sound like you had sex " It was just one night" of harmless drunk flirting will you put other burdens in front of it? Now it is the age gap? AAAAAWWWW Yeah, that kind of crosses a boundary. Don't tell him that before he finishes his classes with you Just tell it to me and I reallt don't mind listening to you gush  over him. you should learn when his birthday is and what time he was born we should find his astrological map and see if the stars want you to be together oh my god- sleepover ?!??! I need that to happen

peter Omg, don't even mention that word right now. I'm just barely coming to terms with the fact that I kind of want to hang out with him again. And you're going to freak me out again. Well, shouldn't I take that into consideration? I never imagined that I'd be into someone so much younger than me. Trust me, I don't plan on telling him any of that. I'm not going to gush over him! And I'm not smitten. If the stars want us to be together? I'm rolling my eyes at you. I am always down for a sleepover though! I'll buy some wine - I might need it. My sentiments, exactly. He's barely turning 26. Monica. 26.

monica stop calling yourself grandpa Of course, I am right if you freaked out on his face, I would expect he is hesitant to talk to you !!! hmmm I know you have more stuff to say abour Scott about* SO? you are 33 would it make any difference for you? when is his birthday? Did you ask? PLEASE ASK

peter I basically am a grandpa. Yeah... I guess so. I did sorta freak out a little :confused: talking to you about it calmed me down a bit, I think. I mean... maybe. It's the 19th of this month.

monica Aaaaaaah A CAPRICORN Hmm i need to do a chart for your aquarius and his capricorn suprisingly, you have matched with a much tenser star sign than your hippy aquarius it is weird.  i don't know if it will be more different than with James. He did have a strong scorpio energy. Can't imagine how you both were in bed. glad I am calming you down.

peter A Capricorn. You’re making me feel like I need to read more into this stuff. It’s always been more your thing than mine though. Maybe it’s best that way :laughing: you can tell me everything that I need to know, rather than me adding yet another thing into my oh, so busy schedule. Ah, yeah, James. I told you that I talked to him recently? Oh. We had fun, in bed :eyes: You definitely did. Thank you.

monica it isn't even my thing. I just know a couple of stuff and I am winging it what i am doing though is distracting you from the main burden you were trying to put on yourself and Scott this is actually my thing NO YOU DID NOT All the boys for Peters Peter* and none for Gretchen Wieners bye :rofl: I BET YOU DID

peter You know more than I do when it comes to that stuff. I thought it was a very obvious, unable to overlook burden, Monica. But I guess... maybe I was sorta overreacting a little bit. I’m just being honest :man_shrugging_tone1: Not all of the boys, just the ones I want. :laughing: you crack me up though, Mon. Also... He may or may not have invited me to his bday party. I said yes. You’re going with me.

monica it isn't that big but I can understand not being able to overlook it OH so you like both James AND Scott now YOU HEARTBREAKER I was so focused on you gushing over him that I forgot about him...OH MY GOD Yea, I am coming. YES he likes you too and not to forget yeees I know I am hilarious :blush:

peter At first, I really didn’t think I could. But after the shock of it all and talking to you... I can breath easy again. Thanks, again. OH SHUSH YOU NNOW THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT. James and me are way over. Have been for a while now. That isn’t changing. Yeah... and I think we just agreed that we both want to hang out still? Wow. Ok. I’m doing this. It’s getting a little hard to breath again, but I think I’m ok. As friends. We’re friends. He likes me as a friend. You are! You always make me laugh :hugging:

monica don't even mention it. I am here to gush over.Scott anyway. Still nothing else other than "cute" and "super smart" THIS IS AWESOME tell that to yourself at night, when the only person you can think of is YOUR FRIEND you don't know if he sees you as afriend only, still

peter Why do I feel like you’re fishing :face_with_raised_eyebrow: I think that you want me to talk more about him so you can tell me again that I’m smitten. :man_facepalming_tone1: we ARE friends. There’s nothing else for us to be right now. I’m sure that he does. I do think that I really wanna see him again before his bday in a couple of weeks :flushed:

monica This isn't me fishing, this is me actually asking you about him. I want to know more about him, so that I will know exactly if he likes you more than a friend, YOU AQUARIAN DOOFUS .... Fine, Mr Peter * I am not smitten * Brice Did you actually ask him to meet before his birthday? LIKE after this freak-out of yours?! Oh boy, the guy is going to be soooo confused either he likes you or not Which he does. The fact that he asked for your phone number...hmmm I always keep forgetting that.

peter Ok, ok. So I sorta cleared it up a bit with him? I told him that I overreacted and that I think that we could be friends or whatever, assuming he wants to be. He told me I assumed correctly AND sent me a :wink: emoji which I don't think even means anything, but??? He also told me that he prefers that we continue hanging out over not hanging out at all. So there's that, too. Aparrently, he doesn't find me boring at all and I need to stop saying that. I mentioned seeing him again before his party in two weeks and he invited me to the coffee house he works at. So I guess I'll see him there sometime before his party. Yeah after my freak out. I think my freak out has mostly passed. Mostly. And I'm not smitten - I'll keep saying it. Well, that could've easily been influenced by the alcohol. Much like the ENTIRE night was. You know I wouldn't have done those things sober.

monica :wink::wink::wink: you are cute That's what it means and both Scott and I acknowledge that i am not big with internet flirting , but when he winks at you when are you face to face, maybe it is your time to hyperventilate. I always hyperventilate when people wink at me....i don't know if the same thing will happen when somebody winks at me through text?? enjoying each others' company check AAWWWW he actually told you to stop saying you are boring? I hope AT LEAST you listen to him instead of anyone else who says that you aren't seriously though? I don't remember; who told you are boring and you believed them? finding ways to see each other more- check check you are not drunk now- YOU ASKED HIM NOW TO MEET

peter Shhh, I'm not. A wink face is just a wink face - it could mean a variety of things, I'm not even going to spare any other thought to it anymore. I think this entire situation has me wanting to hyperventilate?? If I'm honest. Still just wrapping my head around it, I guess? But I accept that... I want to see him again. I doubt anything will come from it all, but I don't think I've had as much fun as I did last night in a really long time. Yeah, he did. I don't know. I'm just not into a lot of things a lot of other people are, and people don't find books as interesting as I do. That, in my head, equates to people thinking I'm boring. We're meeting at his work. While he's working. I don't think that means anything, really?? But, I'm still looking forward to it.

monica what does it usually mean when you add a winkface on a text? you will never know. I think both of my pretty serious relationships came out of nothing? Like I never expected I will end up with that person? So chillax and enjoy it you are calling yourself boring even before getting to know someone? You barely know Scott. Barely said anything,right? it means that he hasn't got any other time to meet you between work and college so he is just making time inbetween breaks JUST TO SEE YOU? my heart just friends, my cute little a** still looking forward to listening to the next bunch of gushing over Scott need to inform me about your texts as well they'd better be good

peter I don't know that I use it much, other than with James when we were together, but it was a little... suggestive. It was different. A relationship is reaaaaaaly far fetched right now. But I get what you're saying. In a way, my relationship with James came out of nothing, too. I mean, in the beginning, I didn't think I'd date him. I'm enjoying talking with him. Or he just wants to pay me back for his drinks last night :thinking: :man_shrugging: Yeah, just friends! :rolling_eyes: I guess that I can't wait to vent it all out to you because who else can I tell this to? Or would, anyways. I trust you the mostest :hugging: I teased him a bit - about surprising him at work. He doesn't want me to do that :laughing: so as funny as I think it would be, I told him I'd respect that. We're just... chatting now. Continuing conversation from last night, so just sorta getting to know each other, I guess.

monica you forgot to mention me what happened with james? You started talking again? but yeah, scorpio energy. Everything is suggestive for them you know what I mean. Even that uncertain phase you are now with scott it is a relationship...kinda? In my head it makes sense. see......equality. let him pay you back. And once you two are done with that, you can take turns in paying each other's drinks. WE Are going to have a looooong winter I am so glad for that!!! OH NOW you are teasing him too honestly that is so cute of you still as interesting as yesterday? More interesting than yesterday? on a scale from one to five....how much more interesting he is ( from as interesting as yesterday to I am completelt infatuated with him- that is 5 by the way) 0-5 i am waiting

peter Oh, yeah. I got distracted by talk about a certain 26 years old :upside_down: But yeah, so I texted him, but only because I heard one of his favorite songs and I was curious as to how he was doing. Then we sorta made plans to meet up last night, but I realized I had made plans prior already so I had to bail. I invited him to meet me, but he never responded. He might be a little upset? I don't know. I guess I get what you mean? I mean, there's a certain level up... mutual interest, I think. I think that's what you're getting at? The things that go on in that head of yours :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: I don't like when people buy me things. I prefer to be the one doing the buying - I'm weird like that. But I guess I can let him. I mean, I'm not gonna fight him on it. Just a little. It's kinda fun :laughing: :man_facepalming: I don't know about COMPLETELY INFATUATED But... maybe a 4. I don't know. He sorta asked me to watch a tv show with him and wow, okay - should I say yes? I mean, I want to, so I guess that I will. I said yes. We're going to watch a freaking show together... should I freak out? I feel like I should a little.

monica lovely :joy::heart_eyes: How cute!!! And awww maybe he could be a little bit mad. But he will get over it; I don't think you did something that bad? maybe it was meant to be and if James was there you wouldn't meet Scott or Scott wouldn't approach yes exactly. I am currently aaaaall ideas but I need someone to help me with them. I feel like most people i have met are scam and the places are pretty shitty :flushed: Well maybe you have met your match, because as it seems Scott doesn't like that either XD I love it that you are having fun with teasing him. You know, it creates so much happiness around you. I can feel it through the text :) 4 is "it'a just a little crush" it is funny that you are asking me like I am going to decide for you wow you are both eager to meet each other more and more no you are going to watch a show. friends do that right???:wink::wink::wink:

peter I think he might be. He hasn't texted me at all since, so... i think he's definitely upset :confused: i hope he doesn't feel like i stood him up or something. That wasn't my intentions. Something tells me that if I weren't alone last night, no, Scott wouldn't have approached me. You've got the best ideas, except when you try to get me to admit that i'm completely infatuated. Well, that's also a little far fetched. But yeah, I guess he doesn't. So i'll take your advice and let him buy my coffees. It's fun when it's sorta playful, you know? Maybe it's a subtle way of... flirting a little. Maybe. Can you??? I mean, it's got me feeling some sort of way, so I guess you're, once again, right. :rolling_eyes: you should've started by telling me what each number stands for. I wish you could decide for me tbh!! It'd make this so much easier. I don't know if I'd say eager. Do you think he's eager?? Idk if I'm eager, just... looking forward to it. YES FREINDS DO THAT, MONICA - WE DO THAT. Shoot. Shoot. I asked him if he was okay with the vibe last night ( you know, it was sorta like, date like I'M INTERSTED IN YOU LET ME WALK YOU HOME AND BUY YOUR DRINKS at least, that's the vibe i felt ), and he said he's okay with it. What am I doing, Mon???

monica ooooh you are gonna explain when he gets over it cannot blame a woman from trying besides, the only person who can admit things for yourself is you. Nobody can make you.  I am, just making observations so you do subtly playful flirting with Scott at the moment? In your texts. No, I think you are deciding pretty great for yourself feeling some sorta way how?:face_with_monocle: you are both eager to meet. He invited you to his birthday. You threw him back a suggestion meeting before his birthday and he ended up suggesting you going to the place he works. He suggested watching a show with you . I am counting 3 opportunities for you to meet unless you suggested something else back....so it is 4? NEVER BEEN INTERESTED In YOU IN THAT WAY YOU ARE IN SCOTT. BECAUSE...DO YOU WANT ME TO USE THE F WORD..... ??? STOP KIDDING YOURSELF I AND SCOTT ARE NOT THE SAME. because I am not interested in guys that are into guys...CAPICHE? yah....like yah...Another good hint he is into you you want scott. Scott wants you back ...most likely deep breaths and go for it, man

peter Or he just won't speak to me ever again. I'm far from infatuation, okay? Crushing - fine, I'll admit it. But that's it. Yes, you are. I think you're also getting a kick out of it and teasing me :laughing: I do care to continue to hear your observations though. Just a little bit. I feel like it's almost too easy to fall into that teasing with him. I guess... maybe because I'm crushing. Like some sort of way. Yeah yeah, I get what you mean. I think he's... sort of, maybe feeling this, too. I told him that I'm trying to figure out where this line between us is drawn - you know, giving our circumstances and all,  he said he's trying to figure that out, too. So yeah. I guess I'm really doing this. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT F WORD YOU ARE REFERRING TO, MONICA BUT I UNDERSTAND OK CAPICHE :unamused: :unamused: Yeah... I'm starting to think so, too :grimacing: Okay... I guess I'm going for it?

monica OH MY GOD FINALLY Can you blame me? Literally you came to me like you have committed some kind of murder :smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts::smiling_face_with_3_hearts: I am pretty sure you would do the same for me. OH he is on the same page? Hallelujah!!!! oh my god- I feel like singing Aphrodite- don't forget me- Romeo and Julliette me aaaaaaahhhhhh i bet you know damn well what the f word is yes go go go Also, is James the kind of person that would get mad over that? In your experience? I mean...I doubt it would last forever?

peter :joy: it was almost inevitable when you didn’t tell me how terrible of an idea this all is. I let my guard down a bit. I thought I was being irrational. Well! Can you really blame me for freaking out a bit? I mean, really? You’re absolutely right - I would. It sort of sounds like he might be? Save the singing for karaoke, okay? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: I don’t know what word you are referring to here :thinking: He might, yeah. It won’t last forever. He’ll be done giving me the silent treatment at some point. I thinkS *think

monica I always freak out when I am crushing on someone. But I don't blame you for the reason you freaked out but you said it so many times, when I told you it's okay...I am going to be merciless with the teasing about it. the f word is a synonym of the thing you aren't going to do to Scott just yet because you are taking baby steps :wink: It surprises me because you are noticing stuff in midst of panicking a few seconds ago well let's hope the silent treatment won't last that much at least. What kind of relationship do you want to have with him?

peter I sorta freak out a little, too but this was an entirely different freak out. I’m counting down the days I can tease you back! :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: :man_facepalming_tone1: I’m not even thinking about that... yet. Not really, anyways. Because yes! Baby steps. Well, I feel like he’s been a bit forward with some things and it’s making even me question if maybe he is sorta... interested, too. With James? Friends, of course. If that. It’d be nice to have that again with him... we were friends before we dated.

monica You are going to be counting down lots of days; I don't think I will be interested IN ANYONE  aaaaanyyyyytiiiime sooon and what are you thinking right now? Forward about what kind of things? what if he is? I do hope it is solved out? And I get to see him soon too

peter Well, still! Have some fun :stuck_out_tongue: you’re single, after all! For the first time in a looooong time. Well... just him and the idea of maybe like... I don’t know, dating him? If it even gets to that point because it might not? Just that he’s interested in some way? I mean, the fact he’s texting me and wanting to still hang out, I think, is sorta forward. Well, it would be if he texted back.

monica I want to focus on myself. If someone comes to my life at the moment, I feel like I will be tok vulnerable and leave everything behind and dedicate my life to him( like i did with voldemort) Maybe it gets to that and maybe he could be your new bf? Think positively Well the guy shows interest, can you blame him with a cute face such yours? Oh is it bothering you that he hasn't texted back?

peter And that’s a great idea. Focusing on yourself could include some... stress reducing activities. You know? I hear you. You can date a little and not dedicate your life to someone though. My new bf... I don’t know about that, it’s way too early to think about that sort of thing, don’t you think? Oh, shhh. I’m not even that cute. I mean, a little?  He could just tell me that he’s mad instead of ignoring me, you know?

monica hmmm I know where you are heading at with that....stress reducing activities :dizzy_face: stress reducing activities at the moment I don't really want to date. I feel like it is too early... again think positively.

peter Good god, Mon. He sent my mind to the gutter just now and NOW I’m thinking things :flushed: I don’t even know if he meant to, but he did. I should’ve known I’d walk into that one. He’s concerned with his grades - about me being easy on him now that we’re chatting outside of class,  it I told him that if anything is go harder on him... you can imagine what I walked into with that one :flushed::flushed::flushed::flushed::flushed: Yes, you do. I’m just saying, it’s an option. Might do a little good. No commitments, just fun and being single. Only you know. If it’s too early, I mean. But he who shall not be named has already taken 10 years of your life... why waste anymore? I just don’t want to assume anything... I don’t want to get my hopes up.

monica :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: OH MY GOD yes you did walk into that one. You walk into a lot of things like that actually. It may or may not be your expertise XD feels too early still fine still not getting your hopes up is a good thing

peter :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: I wish I hadn't. I wasn't think about anything sexual right now and now I am and I just :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: :man_facepalming: It goes over my head a lot!! I can't help that my mind isn't always in the gutter like some peoples. Well, then it's still early. That's okay. Exactly. I don't want to get my hopes up and then it turns out his interests in people are fickle and next week or next month I'll be yesterdays news. I mean, I know college guys - I was one of them once upon a time :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: And just because he's interested now, doesn't mean he will continue to be. Maybe I will end up boring the hell out of him. Also... we may or may not have made a few more plans to hang out more? I don't know if we'll get to it all, but :eyes:

monica oooh what exactly are you thinking? you said no karaoke until later on but oh my god I am singing to U+Your Hand nonstop since you got yourself into this situation :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: is Scott's mind always in the gutter? what do you mean? :unamused: what happened? Did he tell you that he is interested in someone else? oh my god stop with the boring people thoughts. You definitely don't I hope you will :smiling_face_with_3_hearts::fingers_crossed:

peter I am NOT going to tell you that. :laughing: god, now you're going to get that song stuck in my head, too I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if it were. He's an almost 26 year old in college. It's likely. No, nothing like that. I'm just saying. He's young. He's attractive. In college. Exploring all of these different paths being presented to him now that he's out here on his own. He does have this friend, Liam, from work. But I don't think he's interested in him like that. Who knows though. You never really know, especially in the beginning. I just can't help but think it, you know I can get a little insecure sometimes :confused: And in this scenario, I'm the older, boring, nerdy, professor. I'm not young and hot like a majority of his fellow classmates. Really flustered :flushed: we're still sorta going off of that comment earlier about being harder on him... and about where that line is drawn because I feel like it just keeps getting drawn further and further away with the way he's talking. He asked me if I wanted him to stop, but... well, I was honest. Honestly, I feel better if he sorta takes the lead in that sort of aspect... because I don't want to overstep and say something he isn't ready for, then he'd be uncomfortable and it'll be like taking a few steps backwards. Admittedly, I don't really want to do that - go backwards, I mean. I was thinking about getting him the first few Umbrella Academy comics. We talked about him borrowing mine, but this way, he'll have his own to start his own collection, if he'd like to. He said he likes the show, so. You think so? That'd be fitting for this nickname he's given him. What makes you think that?

monica that is also very cute of you I like flustered Peter you can probably answer him like in the space that he has drawn the line so that you won't scare him? OH that is so nice. I will probably get him planner supplies. I found a couple of sets that are super cute just a hunch you don't usually go to the guy you like and say hi this is the boy i like the other one in your made up scenario maybe they like...talk about stuff too. And he like encouraged Scott? I don't know

peter Peter hasn't been this flustered in a very long time. I don't think that I'm scaring him... at the same time, it's good to take it a little slow anyways, right? I mean, I don't want to jump too far into the sexual aspects of it all. Even though my mind is wandering quite a bit now... quite a bit. Why must my imagination be so vivid. Planner supplies - god, make it more ovbious that I've given you an entire play by play, will you? Maybe. We've both sorta... settled into the idea of this rather quickly. And for myself, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have been able to do that.

monica Monica doesn't know if she should speak in third person too? Slow is always good. at the moment if anyone approached him, I would like to take it slow? before Andrew....do you remember the guy that has convinced himselr was so infatuated with me that didn't even bother setting the pace and just surpassed my boundaries? Still remember that and still think I have wasted my time with him too :flushed:so as slow as it takes Well it is one of your many good attributes. Your imagination :smirk::exploding_head: 1) bookstores are full of them and it is something that you buy someone and you are sure they need it? And 2) it is a way to give my blessing. I feel the bff should do that, right? :kissing_heart:

peter I think we are done speaking in third person. Slow is good. But I feel like I freaked him out or something and now I want to crawl into bed and forget that I've done something as stupid as let myself crush on a student :upside_down: I do remember that guy! He was sorta creepy. I'm so glad that he wasn't the one you ended up being with for 10 years. In this case, I'm not very sure it's doing me any good? :thinking: :man_facepalming: I guess so. I mean, he already knows I've spoken to you about him because I stupidly let it slip.

monica besides a student , he is super attractive and probably into you Well, he is allowed to freak out a bit right? I mean getting into a thing like that ...it is big. As much as you are allowed to freak out, he is too. Cut the boy some slack. thankfully, I cut him off quite early. All this situation was eating me alive though Well... you and your hand toniiiiight :notes::notes::notes: And didn't it slip to him anything else about Liam? Oh my god, I need to know that. I will probably have to talk to him and exchange calming techniques :joy:

peter But how sure are we? That he’s into me, I mean. I’ve been known to over analyze and read way too much into things. You know this about me. Yeah, of course he is. I mean, I’m sorta freaking out, too. I’ve been out of the ‘dating game’ since James. I’m bad at this. I know. You’re right. He has every right to freak out, as much as I do, even. I mean, his English Lit professor is low key, sort of, maybe hitting on him. SO. YEAH. HE CAN FREAK OHT A LITTLE. Literally the soundtrack of my life the past, long few months though. Have to talk to Liam?? Why?? Wow. Ok. I trust you. You know this, but when it comes to my dating life and someone I’m crushing on... maybe not as much????

monica I don't know; you have to let me read your texts, take notes on them and like...make you read them every once in a while to confirm that he is actually into you. I don't know how much...:thinking:but he is enough to keep him texting with you? and I have been doing it for ten years straight...look how well it went? I don't think it matters I believe that as long as you have a certain pace? And you keep respecting each other's boundaries...both of you will be fine It like I heard the caps lock in your own voice? You had a long day texting....maybe you should try napping? oh come on, I will be there with you. I don't trust myself talking to Scott, but Liam....he seems like someone who Scott has been talking to. You can't take that out of my mind.  We need to exchange tips. And either way... we won't want to be between you and Scott that night all the time, don't you think? :wink:

peter :laughing: good god, do you think I really need that? How pathetic is that? Yeah, I guess you’re right about that. And Vice versa. I mean, despite our circumstances, we are both still... talking. I guess you’re right... sorta a shot in the dark every time, huh? Yeah. I think I’m thinking too much about it and I need to stop, if I want this to be something, anyways. Something as in... something, I have no idea what something could be. Definitely. I’m going to sleep anyways. But what are you going to talk to Liam about, is the question here. Tips about what? Well, I guess you don't, huh? want to be between me and Scott that night. Why does something tell me that Liam might be on the same page as you with that?

monica if it helps your doubts about how much he likes you, then yes. I am willing to do that. pretty much yes first of all I am not going to tell him anything. I am going to go along with the conversation we are going to have. second, tips about patience and friendships. well I definitely don’t. Seriously, trying to remember how this conversation started I don’t even know how we ended up here. I do want to meet scott but you want to hung out with scott more than I do. and also it is the first time we analyzed a crush of yours that much? because Liam is a friend of Scott’s and wants what is best of him? I doubt that they are anything else than friends. And even if they are, we jump off the wagon once I realize that and we are out of the party. worst case scenario please don’t overthink it

peter Ok, ok. That's ok. I trust you, anyways. Just... when it might come to my love life, you know I get a little :face_with_raised_eyebrow: BUT I know you have my best interest in mind, so yes I trust you. I do. Want to hang out with Scott more than you, I mean. I, also, don't know how we got here right now. It is, isn't?? With reason though. I mean, the circumstances here... are very different from what I'm used to. I feel like I'm breaking so many rules here. There isn't exactly a rule against dating a student... I mean, it's not high school - we're all adults. But it's not exactly encouraged either. Scott did say they're friends. I don't have a reason to not trust him on that, so. But if you get vibes... yeah, let me know because I want out. I'll try not to :upside_down: I think I should just try to get some sleep? I've kept you up long enough, anyways. Talk tomorrow?

monica Yeah. You must know that I am always here for you no matter what. But I won't always be able to understand what you are going through. Besides, it just hit me now that you have said it whenever things with James get better, do ask him about how you are in a relationship and he can give you specific advice? Now that you are friends and has already been in a relationship with you? from my experience, I have never had feelings for my student for example anyway. I may say that it is okay to keep those boundaries intact but you are the teacher, you are living this. And you know better i am just here to support you. And definitely calm you down. But for the love of god don't think too much into it sometimes, we all end up doing that. But it is super easy to think negatively so i guess I understand? Yeah let's go to sleep. BOTH of us we both had very emotional days for various reasons

peter I knowww. Same to you! I mean, I certainly haven’t been with someone for 10 years to understand what you are going through. Advice from James? I never thought the day would come. But yeah, I mean, I guess. Whenever I do get into another relationship, I don’t want to make the same mistakes over again. I don’t know if we’re friends though... another day had passed without a word from him. I don’t know, Mon. I really don’t. That’s a first. Yeah, I know. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Try to get some sleep, yeah? Goodnight.

monica I don't think a lot of people have been in such long relationships without getting married. I mean I am not a bridezilla but it was so weird. HONESTLY, I just called him my fiancè, neither of us had proposed. Things have been sinking in lately and it just makes me so :disappointed_relieved: Anyway, back to you It is not about not making the same mistakes. It is more of a...he knows you well enough to calm you down in these situations. Mostly at least. You won't know what he might tell you that it might click from the very first second with you When we have been talking since I woke up and I might not have helped you at all- just an example Yeah.. let this month pass and if he doesn't send you a message, send him one instead and apologize a bit more? just give it time. I can feel that James is like...the  second guy you are most worried about. Goodnight,love:heart:

[slytherin-puffskein]

twelve ways to fall in love with you.

the signs as moments falling in love | requests closed

from @cinnamonriko:

scorpio: It was when I found myself wanting to tell you things I didn’t share with anyone else. You had sat there expectantly, and openly- like you’d wait all day if you had to. And when I told you you didn’t leave, you understood.

- - -

signs completed: capricorn - scorpio

- - -

Usually, Barnaby Lee found himself enjoying Valentine’s Day. The cute dates, the kisses, the gifts, what else could be better than an entire day solely dedicated to spoiling your significant other? Literally nothing, at least to his eyes. However, this day was now reduced to nothing as he was officially single. Four months thrown down the drain, with no consideration nor apologies. He couldn’t boast over the fact that he had easily gotten over it, however, because it would have been a lie. It had been hard, perilous even, but he had managed to claw his way out of all these unpleasant feelings and get back on his daily routine. He was healing. Slowly, but surely.

He knew of this pain, and promised himself to help whoever experiencing it. And so, when it came to his knowledge that Laurent King was dealing with the same emotional storm, he just had to intervene. As soon as he had received the news he had showed up at his apartment, his shoulder ready for him to cry on and his ears free to listen to every woes. The first night had been long. Painful, even. Murphy McNully, this single name kept slipping out of Laurent’s lips, decorated with uneven sobs and choked back words the redhead didn’t dare to add. Barnaby couldn’t blame him: most of it was probably too personal to talk about. He was his best friend, but there were still many things he didn’t, couldn’t know yet.

“I don’t understand.” Laurent had sniffled, his face buried in the crook of his neck while the TV was playing in front of them. “I don’t understand at all...”

“It’s ok, Laurent. I’m here... I’m here”

He couldn’t help but scoff at that memory. I’m here. As if that was a good way to comfort him. Words wouldn’t have been sufficient at that very moment, so he had resorted to listen at last. My parents never bothered about my advice, why would he? And what kind of advice do I have anyway, me who got dumped only a few months ago? Talk about a bad joke.

Days became weeks, weeks became months, and now was their first Valentine’s Day without a partner to share it with. No cute dates to go on, no compliments to give out, no kisses to offer. It definitely put a weight on their hearts, threatening to crush it when least expected.

But Barnaby had a plan.

- - -

Laurent had his entire evening planned out: a well deserved glass of wine along with a bunch of good movies to watch, all of this preceding a long, warm bubble bath. What else could possibly top this? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

A wistful voice crept in his mind anyway. You damn fool, you know there is much more enjoyable than this. Remember your first Valentine’s Day with Murphy? You two had so much fun. A candlelit dinner in your favourite restaurant followed by a romantic stargazing session. What happened once you guys got back home was a lot of fun as well-- He immediately cut off his thoughts, gently slapping his cheek and mentally cursing himself. Shut up, shut up! Who said Valentine’s Day was for couples anyway, huh? I’ll enjoy it with my own damn self! He wasn’t convinced, however. 

He had slipped into his most comfortable pyjamas and was choosing which movie to watch as his doorbell suddenly rang, prompting him to almost jump in fear. Bewilderment reading itself on his face he approached the door and checked into the peep hole, his muscles relaxing as soon as he recognized Barnaby’s face. A question reigned in his mind still: what is he doing there? Soon enough the door creaked open, and Laurent was greeting Barnaby inside.

It didn’t take long before he started swarming him with questions: What are you doing here? Everything alright? It’s so cold outside, why are you only wearing that coat? Barnaby only had that damn smile etched on his face, however, and despite Lau’s frustration due to not having any decent answers, he couldn’t help but feel a delightful flutter in his chest.

As he removed his coat, Barnaby finally decided to explain himself: “I assumed you wouldn’t like to spend the evening alone.” He admitted, red blossoming over his cheeks. “So I decided to keep you company... and...” A pause, and then he shook his head. I can’t lie to him. “Well... I... I didn’t want to spend the evening alone. As for you, I dunno, but I had hoped- well not hoped, I didn’t hope you were sad, more like--” And he was stumbling with his words again. For a reason yet unknown to him it always occurred when he was near Laurent.

Before he could try and come up with a decent sentence, Laurent was speaking: “I... I must say, I didn’t really like the thought of being alone as well.” The redhead confessed. “I mean, y’know what day it is... brings back memories.” And he trailed off, once again avoiding to reveal any more information to Barnaby. He knew it was unfair to keep so much from his friend, but... he wasn’t ready to bare himself just yet. He wasn’t ready to fully let go of his relationship with Murphy. Would he ever be? He had no idea. I loved him so much... and now it’s all reduced to dust.

Suddenly, he felt Barnaby’s hand land on his shoulder, and words clung to his throat as they found themselves unable to make their way out. He could only stare at his smile. “Well, I guess it’s your lucky day, then!” Barnaby exclaimed. “I’ll chase away these bad memories, let’s enjoy this evening together!” And suddenly his gaze landed towards Laurent’s bedroom. “What were you planning to do?”

Laurent immediately guessed what Barnaby was thinking about, and a smile finally curved his lips. “Movie night. I know for a fact that you...”

“... Love them.” Barnaby completed. “Yes! How about we check a few of them out, hm?” A glint of excitement passed through his eyes.

“Let’s.” Lau replied at last. Maybe tonight won’t be so bad after all.

- - -

It turned out that Barnaby had another trick up his sleeve, and it revealed itself in the form of a box he pulled out of his bag. “Ta-da! I stopped by your favourite donut shop and got us a few things! What’s better than movies? Movies and donuts! You’ll thank me later~”

“We should make this a tradition.” Laurent commented as they both sat down on his bed. “I’m sure I’ll enjoy this more than I am supposed to.”

He was already smiling and giggling, and the sparkles usually inhabiting his eyes had come back at last. That sight proved itself to be a real comfort to Barnaby, the fondness with which he was staring at his friend only confirming it. For once, Laurent wasn’t thinking about Murphy and their disastrous breakup. He was focusing on the present, filled with good movies and donu-- his face fell as Barnaby opened the box.

Green, matcha glazed donuts were part of the mix. Otherwise known as Murphy McNully’s favourites. It took a few seconds for Laurent to snap back into reality and realize that Barnaby has been calling out his name with worry decorating his features. Laurent blinked one, two times. “Ah, sorry, I... I spaced out, I guess.” His gaze swiftly drifted away from the donuts. “Matcha flavour was Murphy... Murphy’s favourite. His favourite colour is green, of course it had to be his...” He trailed off, unable to continue. His heart threatened to squeeze itself in his chest and eventually blow up, his brain was assaulted with thunders of painful memories, his hands felt cold... and suddenly he was looking at Barnaby again.

Barnaby, who looked as if he had just learned he had accidentally committed the world’s biggest crime. “I’m sorry!” He blurted out. “I-I didn’t know, I didn’t mean to, I--”

Luckily enough Laurent was quick to interrupt him. Giggles even punctuated his words. “It’s fine, Barnaby. You didn’t know...” Without a warning he suddenly reached for his hand, their fingers slowly intertwining together. “Thank you. Really. These strawberry glazed ones look super tasty...”

That was sufficient to appease Barnaby, and Laurent felt better as well. As soon as their fingers linked together he has been feeling lighter, in fact. Let’s watch a movie, now. Let’s watch a movie and forget about our shitty relationships. Memories of Barnaby’s breakup with his ex girlfriend suddenly rushed through him, and he saw himself in that same bedroom a few months ago, comforting a tearful Barnaby. Man, the turntables. Now he’s the one comforting me... is he still sad about his breakup? It’s Valentine’s Day after all. He must feel melancholic... however he feels, I’ll give him support. He deserves it.

With that in mind he squeezed his hand, and he chose a movie at last.

“Are you sure a romantic movie is what you need?” Has been Barnaby’s first question.

“I’ll be fine, Barnaby. How about you?” You always ask about me. Let me ask about you.

Barnaby nodded, stuffing a donut in his mouth and then replying: “Yup!”

Laurent jokingly smacked Barnaby’s arm, laughing. “You’re so gross, swallow before speaking!” How ironic, since he has been eating a donut and talking as well.

- - -

Curled up against Barnaby as he would always do when watching TV with him, countless thoughts swirled inside of Laurent’s mind thus preventing him to properly enjoy the movie. He couldn’t make out whatever the actors were saying, and suddenly, as they reached the middle of the movie Laurent reached for the remote and hit the ‘pause’ button. Silence greeted them, and Barnaby stared at Lau with confusion. “Everything alright...?”

A nod, and then some more silence before Laurent finally spoke up: “I was so in love with him.” His voice was down to a murmur, but he knew Barnaby would hear it anyway.

And he did. “I know.”

“I just... it all happened so fast. One day I was madly in love, and the other he breaks up with me. He told me it wasn’t my fault, he--” He suddenly stopped speaking, and locked his gaze with Barnaby’s.

Time froze as they both tried to decipher what messages the other’s eyes contained. Neither of them managed to find anything, and it was probably better this way. For Laurent, at least, for he had figured out he wanted to talk to Barnaby. Not simply look at him, talk. He wanted to tell him about his relationship, and hopefully let go at once.

A last look in Barnaby’s eyes was enough to convince Laurent, for what he saw revealed everything: he was ready to listen to him. He was ready to try to understand. He was ready to sit for hours if it were to take that much time. And so, he started speaking. He poured out his heart. He told him about how great his relationship with Murphy had felt, but also how the impression everything would go wrong had kept gnawing at him. He had tried to deny it for as long as he could, but it eventually hit him straight on the face as their breakup finally occurred. He was too much. Too much his opposite. Murphy liked calculations and percentages, Laurent liked spur of the moment actions and carelessness. Water and fire don’t mix, and the same could be said about Laurent King and Murphy McNully.

He had expected it, yes, but it devastated him anyway. He had thought he would have been enough. He had thought it would have been alright. He had loved Murphy for the way he was, but Murphy had failed doing the same. “But can I blame him?” Laurent suddenly said. “I’m... I’m so... so me, and I’m so different than him... but still, I... I guess it is selfish of me to say this, but... I had wished I would have been good enough for him. Turned out I wasn’t. Probably will never be...”

Silence. He didn’t know how to express himself anymore, so he had resorted to shutting himself up. Barnaby, however, had loads to say as he held him closer, his arms curling around his waist in a comforting embrace. “I know how you feel...” These words felt like a punch to Laurent. Really? How would he know? Wasn’t his past relationship ideal? Wasn’t their breakup mutual? Yes, he had cried... but everyone cries during breakups at some point. You cry because you’re missing a part of yourself. It’s like someone removed a limb of yours: it hurts, so you cry.

He stared as Barnaby chewed on his bottom lip. “I didn’t tell you everything about my own breakup. I... I didn’t live up to my own expectations either. I told you we agreed on breaking up... but it was mostly because I was disappointed with myself. Because...” He held back his breath, as if he was struggling with to find the right words. As a sign of support Laurent reached for his hand. “I figured out I might like guys more instead of girls. You know I like boys as well as girls, but I never told you what caused that realization. It was kissing her while thinking of how it would feel if she were a boy... I supposed I fell out of love, and it made me feel like the world’s worst asshole”

Confessions, confessions, they came one after the other. Sometimes from Lau, sometimes from Barnaby, sometimes both telling them at the same time. Revisiting these old memories hurt, but also relieved them of a huge weight that has been pressing on their shoulders. When they finished speaking they felt good. They felt light.

And Barnaby understood how Laurent felt.

And Laurent understood how Barnaby felt.

“I must admit, I miss being in a relationship.” Laurent shyly confessed as he hit ‘play’ on the remote.

“Me too... I miss cuddling someone.”

“I miss kissing someone. It feels so... heavenly.”

“It feels perfect with the right person.”

And they were now looking at each other. Barnaby’s eyes flicked to Laurent’s lips. Laurent’s eyes flicked to Barnaby’s lips. “Wanna... wanna try it out?” The words slipped out of the redhead’s mouth. “Just to pretend we actually had some action during Valentine’s Day.” He added with a giggle to lighten the atmosphere.

A blush brightly coloured Barnaby’s cheeks for a moment, and Laurent was quick to fear that he had fucked up. There you go, now he’s going to think I’m a pervert. 

However, against all expectations, Barnaby nodded. “Y-Yes...” He stammered a little before speaking again: “I’d love to... I’ll be able to brag that I kissed the prettiest guy on Valentine’s Day.”

Laurent’s eyes widened at that claim, but he realized that Barnaby probably wasn’t even aware he had said this out loud. Instead of discussing this he remained silent and allowed Barnaby to inch closer. His arms tightened their grip around Laurent’s waist, and a gasp of surprise threatened to fall off his lips. Instead, he cupped Barnaby’s face and smiled teasingly. “You seem pretty eager.”

A blush blossomed over his friend’s features, and he stumbled with his words a little before finally coming up with a coherent sentence: “A-Are you ok with this, Lau? Kisses should... mean something.”

Laurent’s reply came without a moment of hesitation. “And what would this one mean for you? To me, it would be... moving on, I guess. Get into another chapter and leave Murphy behind for once. How about you?”

Silence lingered in the air as Barnaby didn’t answer, and what he had planned to reply shall remain a mystery as Laurent suddenly tugged on his shirt’s collar to pull him into a kiss. Immediately, a wave of comfort came to wash over the both of them as they curved into each other’s body, living the kiss at it’s fullest.

Neither of them wished to pull away.

- - -

The next morning, Laurent woke up to Barnaby’s steady heartbeat. He had fallen asleep on his chest, and donut crumbs were all over it. A quick look at his friend was all it took to confirm that he was still sleeping. After a few seconds of hesitation, he decided to not pull away. He even closed his eyes.

Following their kiss, they had focused back on the movie. Little words have been said, as if both of them had mulled over what had just happened. Had it been a mistake? Would they regret it? Laurent had feared how he would feel the next morning. But at this very moment, as he was curled up against Barnaby, absolutely no regret came to seize him.

I told him everything. I told him about my fears, my insecurities, the downsides of my relationship with Murphy. I told him everything I had feared revealing, and his reaction? Complete understanding. He even admitted stuff to me as well. It felt so... so right. So perfect. Just like him.

And the kiss. It had it’s hold on his mind still. Suddenly, Barnaby moved a little, and pulled Laurent closer while still sleeping. The redhead’s heart threatened to leap off his chest, and that was when he knew.

I like him.

I’m so screwed.

[artofalexfields]

Carlos Rodriguez 

• 15 • straight • Dominican🇩🇴• Bronx • Scorpio♏ Carlos was born in the Bronx and lives with his father, a pastor and his mother, who runs a soup kitchen. Growing up, Carlos was always the class clown and wasn't exactly an A-student. His parents forced him to participate in Sunday school, youth ministry activities and forbade him from playing sports to keep him out of trouble. He discovered his drumming talent when he was fooling around with their church's instruments one day and his father suggested that he learn how to play so that he could become a part of the church band. He bought a drumming pad with his allowance to practice at home. He stumbled upon metal drumming covers on YouTube and became interested in playing in a metal band which he secretly joined with Serena and Estefania. His parents, however, are completely against him playing anything other than what he's supposed to be playing for mass. 

Because of his conservative religious upbringing, he can be very ignorant about a lot of things and come off as insulting but he is capable of learning...eventually. 

Carlos was held back in his freshman year for failing English and shirking summer school.

When Carlos was in elementary school, his parents set him up for playdates with a boy from their church who was born with a serious bilateral cleft palate. He got a massive ego boost from all the compliments he got, not only from his drumming but also for hanging out with this kid. He's pretty vain.

Carlos: You really read the Great Gatsby for fun?

Serena: Yeah...why?

Carlos: And you actually understood that shit?

Serena: Well, it’s not shit but yes, I understood it.

Carlos: That’s mad cool. You must be really smart. I like smart girls. 

Serena: Good for you. 

Mr. Scott: And last but not least, Carlos. What is the last book you read?

Carlos: Y’know, you mad pretty. You Dominican?

Serena looked up at Mr. Scott. 

Carlos: Or are you Puerto Rican?

Mr. Scott: Carlos. 

Carlos: What’s up?

Mr. Scott: Did you hear my question?

Carlos:--

Mr. Scott: Of course you didn’t because you weren’t paying attention. I asked, what is the last book you read?

Carlos: I don’t remember. It was some book about this kid and his dad and the world ended or something and--

Mr. Scott: You mean “The Road”? Which was the last book we read the last time you were in my class.

Carlos: Yeah, that’s it!

Mr. Scott: So you didn’t read anything over the summer?

Carlos: Nah, I didn’t.

Mr. Scott: That explains a lot. Also, you were supposed to return that book and you did not. Please bring it in, that is, if you haven’t lost it. Alright, so we’re going to be moving right along to our first in-class assignment. We’re going to be working on writing narratives this semester and that means you guys will have to create characters because a story cannot exist without characters, right? And in order to create a character, you need to explore the identities of different types of people, learn about what they like, what they identify as, where they’re from, etcetera. So I’m going to ask you guys to pair up and interview each other and I’m going to ask that you record your partner’s answers in your notebooks and then report the answers back to the class. I’m going to be handing out a list of questions for you guys to ask. You have fifteen minutes to complete the questions. Ok, first group, Serena and Carlos. Next group...

Serena: (sighs)

Carlos: So why’d you read that book?

Serena: Because I was curious. It’s a really famous book. Anyway, I think we should stick to the questions.

Carlos: Do you have a boyfriend?

Serena: No. 

Carlos: Oh, so you ain’t with nobody.

Serena: No, I’m not. Can we please stick to the questions?

Carlos: Ok, fine. Here’s one: what’s your sexual orientation?

Serena: I’m a lesbian. 

Carlos: (laughs incredulously) Nah, chill. No you not. 

Serena: I am. I’m gay. 

Carlos: No! Wait, for real?

Serena: Yes!

Carlos: You too pretty to be a dyke. Lesbians are all fat and they have short hair and look like dudes. You mad pretty, though. 

Serena: Are you saying that lesbians are ugly?

Carlos: A lot of them are, yeah.

Serena: And you don’t think that’s offensive?

Carlos: It’s true, though. 

Serena: But I’m a lesbian and according to you, I’m not ugly. 

Carlos: Cause you not. 

Serena: There are other lesbians who look like me. You do realize that, right?

Carlos: There are?

Serena: Anyway, it doesn’t matter. The second question is where is your family from?

Carlos: DR. 

Serena: What does that mean?

Carlos: You’ve never heard of DR? It’s the Dominican Republic. What about you?

Serena: My dad’s African American and my mother’s family is German. 

Carlos: Oh, you mulatto. Mulatto girls are fucking hot. No wonder you so pretty. 

Serena: I’m biracial, not “mulatto.” That word was created to describe half white, half black slaves who were created for slave owners who wanted light skinned slaves and now it’s considered an insult. It basically means “mutt.” 

Carlos: Oh, I didn’t know that. Damn, you mad pretty and smart. 

Serena: Carlos, we’re running out of time. Can we just finish the assignment?

Carlos: Why you can’t take a compliment for?

Serena raises her hand and Mr. Scott approaches her.

Mr. Scott: Yes, Serena?

Serena: Can I switch partners with someone.

Carlos eyes her with confusion.

Mr. Scott: What’s the problem?

Serena: Carlos isn’t taking this assignment seriously and he keeps making me uncomfortable. 

Mr. Scott eyes Carlos.

Mr. Scott: Carlos, please stick to the assignment. Whatever it is that’s going on between you two, please work it out. It’s too late to change partners. 

Mr. Scott walks away. 

Carlos: Damn, why you trying to get me in trouble for?

Serena: Because you won’t stop hitting on me and it’s getting annoying. I’m not interested so just stop trying to flirt with me and stick with to the assignment.

Carlos: C’mon, I haven’t said one bad thing to you!

Serena raises her hand again and Mr. Scott, again, approaches her. 

Mr. Scott: Is everything ok?

Serena: Can I use the bathroom, please?

Mr. Scott: Yes, grab the bathroom pass on your way out. 

Serena leaves the classroom. 

Mr. Scott folds him arms and looks down at Carlos, noticing that his notebook was empty. 

Mr. Scott: Carlos, this is your second time repeating this class and you’re already off to a bad start, my guy. If you don’t have this assignment completed in the next ten minutes, I’m going to have to give you an F for the day. 

Carlos: That’s not fair, Mr. Scott. The whole point of this assignment is to learn about our partner, right? That’s what I’m doing. 

Mr. Scott: The point of this assignment is to build a profile on a real person as practice to build one for a fictional character. And if I find out that what Serena meant by you making her uncomfortable is flirting, please know that unsolicited flirting constitutes sexual harassment and that you can be penalized for it. And by that, I mean a trip to the principal’s office and detention. Get the assignment done and stop messing around, please. 

[heathened]

why not!

tagged by @leighway, precious pea she is. even if some of these questions are hurtful. classic camille.

birthday: november 14

zodiac: scorpio sun/aquarius moon/scorpio rising. it means i have a lot of feelings and hate every single one of them. my haus has a theory that your moon sign is what you’re like when you’re drunk so it also means that when i’m drunk, im a stunt queen

last song listened to: errrrrrm i think resonance by home. because of course it is, cause i can just roll that one on repeat forever

hobbies: suddenly i’ve never done anything in my life and have just been sitting in a white room eating saltines for the last 28 years. no uhhhh.. writing and reading have been lifelong constants. i’m an avid consumer of media in general, but music Hits Different. transcends hobby. i’m a nerd ass cyclist who lies in wait for the sun to come to portland so i can get on my bike. i also do hot yoga, but that is where the exercise ends. i’m fascinated with outdated analog tech... film photography, i learned to risograph print, i collect vinyl. i love serving a good Look. tarot and other witchcraft. my partner would look at me skeptically because they’re always making dinner, but i love to cook! (im just pissy about our shit kitchen lol) i’m a designer like, as a job, but i also enjoy doing it very much. i’ve always watched soccer casually but i became a full-fledged Sports Gay™ two years ago when i let club football take over my life. i can’t believe im consistently emotionally compromised by some tax-evading europeans kicking a ball around. just kidding! yes i can

last movie you watched: we just finished watching pirates of the caribbean lol

dream job: as my fav tweet says, i don’t dream of labor. BUT! my general life dream involves me running my own design studio with a lil group of nice, loyal clients so i guess.. that’s sort of an answer.

meaning behind url: have u met me

top 4 ships: to quote camille’s answer, “UHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK.” you come into my house?? yeah ok, remus/sirius. they’re the absolute number ones. nothing compares 2 u.mp3 for sure. i keep thinking that maybe whatever i feel about ronan/gansey is casual but then trc_bot will tweet some shit like “Please don’t insult my intelligence,” Gansey replied, and there was just a hint of a glacial laugh in his voice. It was a terrifying and wonderful laugh, Ronan thought or just apropos of nothing either i’ll torture myself with come get your dog, dick or me n my partner will remind each other of the post thats like “remember when ronan saw gansey mussed and sockless and thought he was gonna die of horniness in this dollar store” and i’ll remember that no, they live here. raylan/boyd is the ultimate exercise in Cinematic Foils™ and six years of edging myself. sext: we dug coal together. idk if i have any other ride or dies quite like those, though i am suddenly reminded of hoosier/leckie and my perennial soft spot for them cause i love them so much and they were utterly ignored by the fandom...natürlich

reading: fanfiction lol. i should crack a book again. i’m currently in a very football mood because of course i am cause they took it away from me (for good reason!! obviously! i just...miss her) so maybe i’ll pull football against the enemy off the bookshelf.

what food are you craving right now: i’m not really. it’s cause i had some super good pasta for dinner tbh

i tag @valsdas @bisexualaudreyhorne @lotstradamus @oi-dancing-boy @oneay @strikerbacks @circusleague and litr anyone else who wants to do this

[dizzyspellbook]

answer from aries to 12th house. all of them. please.

oh my god ahahhhaaha WELL OKAY.

aries: what are you passionate about?

I am passionate about making art, connecting with people, and helping others the best that I can. when I can help teach someone something important or help them access their own tools, that’s such an amazing feeling!

taurus: name 3 of your favorite books.

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, Circe by Madeline Miller, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. all ABSOLUTE bangers. also fuck u I work at a literature company I can put a fourth book if I want.

gemini: what was the last text you sent?

“i shifted how i was sitting and was like ‘oh stabby, cool’” my friends will know what this is about

cancer: if you could choose your child’s zodiac sign, what would it be?

n/a (don’t want kids)

leo: name something you love about yourself.

I LOVE. how creative I am. I mean I constantly bounce between like five different hobbies and I just love looking at the things I’ve created and feeling proud of myself and remembering how much fun I had making the thing! plus, my art has helped me connect with so many people and has helped so many people and that’s just. ahh. so rad!!

virgo: what’s your #1 pet peeve?

I HAVE TO NAME JUST ONE? LMAO. honestly i think i’ll have to say when people are not aware of their surroundings—whether that’s people walking too slowly in front of me or someone just standing like a dummy in the middle of the aisle/sidewalk like buddy come on people have to Go Here.

libra: describe your dream partner.

my dream partner is patient, funny, handsome, supportive, excited, and understanding! he also has been dating me for over five years. :^)

scorpio: do you trust easily?

this is an interesting one. I... don’t think so? and that’s not because I expect people to hurt me, I just have a lot of walls and a front I tend to put up until I’m close with someone. and scorpio is my dominant sign so hey that’s fitting. I can’t always rationally tell whether or not I’m vibing with someone, but if I notice myself struggling to be myself or behave like I normally would because of my protective walls, I know they’re not a good fit for me. (also this isn’t because I’m not friendly or outgoing, it just takes a minute for people to get to know me a bit deeper. asndgntdn i’m overexplaining lol)

sagittarius: if you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be?

bro uh. you know i see why people romanticize traveling a lot, it’s supposed to be this really revealing experience—and I did get to study abroad in college, and it was a powerful and introspective experience—but now that I’m older and have a job and medications and illnesses and disabilities I just don’t know how feasible traveling would be for me. THAT BEING SAID: it’s on my bucket list to spend a few nights to a week in a cabin with paints and books and just fucking chill.

capricorn: what’s your dream job?

currently my goal is to become an adolescent therapist, but if that doesn’t flesh out, something else in the realm of social work or accessibility. and obviously I want enough time and energy to keep making art!

aquarius: do you believe in aliens?

scientifically, yeah! there has got to be intelligent life out there. spiritually, yes! I tend to think of deities as higher-vibrational creatures that can interact with us—similar to spirits and ghosts.

pisces: describe someone you love.

my mom is nerdy and gets excited about small things, from glitter to videogames. she has almost as many tattoos as me, and almost all of them are geeky references. she and i are both traumatized and chronically ill in similar ways, which I think has strengthened our relationship in my adulthood. though, I was always close with her—she always made sure to support whoever we were as children and teens and give us the resources we needed to succeed. :’)

sun: describe yourself in 3 words.

kind, balanced, sensitive

moon: what’s your favorite song?

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service!!!! it’s been my fav song for like, fifteen years

rising/asc: how would you describe your style?

lazy nonbinary wearing nothing but sweaters as they wait for surgery lol

mars: are you easily angered?

no—and in fact, it took me some time and a fair amount of therapy to be able to access my own anger after leaving an abuser. (though I DO get annoyed easily, see the question about pet peeves lolol)

venus: what’s your aesthetic?

i..... what the fuck is my aesthetic outside of my style. what does this mean. raw art, forests, sunsets, rain, i guess???

mercury: what color do you talk in?

green. sometimes, orange! other times, deep sea blue. but usually green.

jupiter: what moral do you live by?

be the best version of you that you can be, listen to the messages the universe sends you, and enjoy your life. be kind to others.

saturn: what’s your biggest fear?

living a dull, unhappy life and not making the most out of the life I have. making decisions out of fear and not going anywhere.

uranus: are you rebellious?

ok so not needlessly so, but whenever it comes to rules I think are dumb as shit, yes. yes. I was the kid in high school who got straight A’s but talked back to the subs when they were being unreasonable lol. I just tend to think “well I’ll do this my own way” when I don’t like something.

neptune: share one of your dreams.

I want to live in a brick house. I think they are so cute. I want a window nook seat, and a tower/fun shaped attic where a library can be—I want a yard for my doggy and a space for me to paint.

pluto: what’s the biggest thing you’ve learned by far in your life?

people are healing.

lilith: do you have any guilty pleasures?

sure! I like to imbibe in some drink or smoke and zone into a dumb videogame every once in a while.

chiron: have you ever broken a bone?

i broke my nose as a child!

ceres: are you a momfriend?

I used to be, now I think of myself more as a mentor and friend than the mom friend. being the mom is exhausting.

pallas: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

my mom, yes!

juno: do you believe in soul mates?

of course! not just romantic soul mates—there are many different kinds.

1st house: are you confident?

yes! most of the time, lol. until i am outside and constantly looking over my shoulder because ptsd has eaten my brain

2nd house: if you could only keep one of your personal items, what would you choose?

probably my laptop because of all the stuff on it, art programs, etc.

3rd house: do you like to read?

yesss!! see above with my book suggestions. I’m working on Dune right now.

4th house: what does your bedroom look like?

cozy! half messy, half not. we still have boxes we need to unpack at the foot of our bed, but I’ve decorated my dresser with a lot of memorable items—my necklace tree, photos, instax, we have a couple plants, oh and my altar is in here too!

5th house: name your favorite movie or show.

Avatar: The Last Airbender for surreeee

6th house: do you participate in community service?

not currently—while I like the idea of it, I feel like I don’t have the time or battery level with commissions and art and working full time and working out and taking care of a dog.

7th house: if you could choose, what zodiac sign would you like your dream partner to be?

man I don’t like this one, every zodiac sign has its ups and downs and further, combinations of zodiac signs are what make people truly unique—not to mention peoples’ life experiences!

8th house: do you believe in reincarnation?

yes, absolutely!

9th house: what’s your favorite quote?

not to be boring but I don’t think I have one, and I don’t really want to pull one out of my ass for the sake of answering this question. :(

10th house: are you good at public speaking?

surprisingly yes! I’ve got a good blend of professional and cracking the occasional joke.

11th house: what sign(s) is your best friend/squad?

LET’S SEE. we’ve got a cap, a gem, a gem/cancer cusp, a cancer, a libra, and a pisces.

12th house: do you like to be alone?

lmao tonight i hung out with my partner and her date and after a movie i was like “i’m gonna be a party pooper and go to bed and by go to bed I mean get on my bed and draw while listening to music” so yes, I sure do like being alone.

[timeisthewound]

Mick Mars MSN Chat Transcript

01-feb-2005 DishDiva says: Mick, welcome to MSN Live! Mick_Mars_Live says: Hi. DishDiva says: It's great to have you here for the first time! Christi4618 in Onstage_1 asks: What's is the feeling you get when you perform live. P.S. YOU ROCK SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mick_Mars_Live says: Thank you, the feeling I get is I go into a whole different world. Very euphoric. Dave_sth in Onstage_1 asks: Hey Mick,, Do you still have your Mirror Guitar and the Theater Of Pain Guitar?? They were awesome!! - Watton, Guadalajara Vincevixen in Onstage_1 asks: Are you ever going to write your own Biography, Diane Ontario, Canada. Love you forever. Mick_Mars_Live says: I don't have the mirror guitar anymore but I do have the Theatre of Pain guitar, I keep my guitars in the studio, they don't go on tour. Mick_Mars_Live says: Thank you for loving me, I need love right now. I am thinking about it, but you never know. motleycruefan88 in Onstage_1 asks: Hey Mick im a new Crue fan and im 16. Is there anything you can tell me about the new tour, what to expect? Mick_Mars_Live says: It's gonna be really crazy, over the top, Circus de Soleil, it's going to be loud and nothing you've ever seen. I promise. DishDiva says: What are you doing to prepare for the show? Mick_Mars_Live says: I'm learning songs I haven't played in 20 years. We're rehearsing and getting the show together and the costumes and acrobats and fire breathers together. That kind of stuff. Newtattoo222 in Onstage_1 asks: Which of your guitars means most to you and why? Mick_Mars_Live says: All of them mean something to me so that's a tough one to pin down. It's like girlfriends and past girlfriends and past wives. That's a tough question to answer my favorite right now Fender built me two Stratocasters and there's a black and a white one. marschick69 in Onstage_1 asks: Do you have rituals before a show? tommi from ok Mick_Mars_Live says: No, not really. I just play my guitar before to limber up my fingers, there's no meditation. I do sacrifice women though. (laughs) CrueCi_Fied in Onstage_1 asks: Hey Mick, what do you do to prepare yourself for being on the road for so long? Scott - Edmonton Mick_Mars_Live says: Some things you just do. It's what I do, it's what I love to do. I'm sure that you have a job, how do you get up every day. It's the same for me, it's what I love to do. It's my gig. punkett527641 in Onstage_1 asks: Are you glad to be back with the guys preforming again? Mick_Mars_Live says: Of course. The four of us, it's crazy when you have to go on. I call it more of a separation than a breakup, so it's all good. Shout1985 in Onstage_1 asks: Mick, what's your favorite Crue song? - Atlanta, Ga. Mick_Mars_Live says: Hmmm. To play or listen to? To play would be "Primal Scream." MentallyTwistedWolf in Onstage_1 asks: Hi Mick Been Waiting over 20 years to see you live! Are you gonna make it to Indy or Louisville before my twisted mind goes on permanent hiatus? Mick_Mars_Live says: Oh yeah! We'll be there. I think we'll be there in February. I believe. Moonstarchic2004 in Onstage_1 asks: Hi Mick, What got u into the music world, I have been a fan for a long time I will be going to my first Crue concert at Mci center in D.C. I cant wait. Luv Ya Mick_Mars_Live says: When I was 3 years old I went to a 4H fair and there was a country western band player, Skeeter Bond was playing and he came out with his big bright orange Stetson. I knew  inmediately what I wanted to do! crue887 in Onstage_1 asks: Whats up with that 20 minute solo? i read about it in an interview with nikki. - Craig, MA Mick_Mars_Live says: What 20 minute solo? I don't know if I know 20 minutes on the guitar. (laughs) Texangirl_21 in Onstage_1 asks: If you weren't in a rock band, what would you be doing? Amarillo, Tx Mick_Mars_Live says: Strippin'! (laughs) Newtattoo222 in Onstage_1 asks: Who would you like to play you in the movie of 'The Dirt' Mick_Mars_Live says: Colin Farrell because he's better looking than me. Paulyc75 in Onstage_1 asks: I'm so psyched!! I had to hide my 'Theatre of Pain' tape from my mother oh so many years ago!! Now I can't wait to take my pregnant wife to see the Crue!! Mick_Mars_Live says: Very cool. I'm flattered, thank you. Jamespain0 in Onstage_1 asks: With only 2 weeks away from your first show, are you feeling nervous, excited, worried? Mick_Mars_Live says: I always get concerned about the first few shows. Once they are over, then I'm thinking it's a piece of cake. MA_86 in Onstage_1 asks: What are your advice to someone (like me) who wants to start a band? You Rock, by the way = ). Gerda, Sweden Mick_Mars_Live says: I had to search for so long to find the right people. Just find some people until you feel it's right. Don't be afraid to tell them if it's not right and keep looking until it is right. Dave_sth in Onstage_1 asks: Hey Mick!! Are you playing this tour your horizontal slide guitars you used on the Feelgood tour? I hope you guys come to Mexico again!! - Dave, Mexico City Mick_Mars_Live says: No, I don't think I'll be using those this year. I do think we are playing Mexico but I'm not sure when. stereoguy75 in Onstage_1 asks: Do you like the new songs as much as the old? Mick_Mars_Live says: Yeah because they are becoming more current sounding. I'm not dating the old songs, but it's hard to keep up with the times and still sound like Motley Crue. Latexluv_2 in Onstage_1 asks: Could you tell us the meaning of the scorpion tattoo on your hand? Latexluv, Dallas, TX Mick_Mars_Live says: I like Scorpios. I like to feel the sting. Texangirl_21 in Onstage_1 asks: Was shooting the video "If I Die Tomorrow" rough for you? Amarillo, Tx Mick_Mars_Live says: It was a little bit hard for me because I just had gotten out of the hospital. It went pretty quick though, it was only about 8 or 9 hours. It was ok, a little rough in some spots, but it was ok. Nikkimars1 in Onstage_1 asks: Hey how do you like being on tour? DishDiva says: Something you look forward to? Mick_Mars_Live says: Always! Yeah, very fun. A lot of times people will come up to me and ask if I remember them, that's the hard part, you meet so many people it's hard to remember every one you meet. 9GUNNZ in Onstage_1 asks: Hi Mick, glad you could be here, did you ever think Motley Crue would still be sitting high on top of the Rock -n- Roll mountain after 20+ years? Mick_Mars_Live says: I'm not trying to sound conceited because I'm not, but I had every intention. NikkiSixx_MotleyCrue1 in Onstage_1 asks: Hi Mick, how are you? How does your family feel about the Crue tour and do you read fan fiction? HJ, AZ Mick_Mars_Live says: I'm not married, but my mom and dad are thrilled I'm able to go on tour. DishDiva says: Were your parents always supportive of your career in music? Mick_Mars_Live says: No. They always totally supported me and the music world. They were regretful that they couldn't help me more. ♫♫♫t©hΦμρρe♫♫♫ in Onstage_1 asks: Hi Mick, how many guitars you have to bring on tour? Mick_Mars_Live says: Not very many, 6 or 8. nightbaby2007 in Onstage_1 asks: Mic how did you guys come up with the song if i die tomorrow?it is a cool song. Mick_Mars_Live says: Nikki came up with the song. He just went in and did it. It is a cool song, it's a fun song to play. ĸοЯŋ_ŁûvęЯ in Onstage_1 asks: Seeing you guys will be my first concert ever ill just have turned 18 and its the best birthday present ive ever had! THANK YOU!!!!YOU ROCK!!! Mick_Mars_Live says: That is great. Dave_sth in Onstage_1 asks: Hey Mick!! You rock my world!! Do you guys plan to play DANGER live on tour?? That song is a Classic!! - Dave ,Mexico City Mick_Mars_Live says: We're not playing that particular song but we are playing songs off that album. We haven't played them in such a long time. We'll play some really cool older stuff and some new stuff. It progresses, it's all good. Overglam in Onstage_1 asks: Are you ready to go to Europe to kick major ass! it's been a long time ! JoNixx from France Mick_Mars_Live says: Of course. I love Paris, that's my place! Yes we'll be there soon. AllisterFiend77 in Onstage_1 asks: What advice would you give to a beginning guitar player? Mick_Mars_Live says: I guess I would say (this is going to sound corny) but be true to your roots. Whatever you like best like rock, jazz, blues, stay with what you love because if you don't you'll regret it. MA_86 in Onstage_1 asks: Hi, Mick. You Rock! Your favourite song to listen to, then? Gerda, Sweden Mick_Mars_Live says: The Jimi Hendrix song "Angel." Vincevixen in Onstage_1 asks: I know Beck was a huge influence for you(great choice) any other influences that are that strong for you? Diane Ont, Canada Mick_Mars_Live says: Lots of people. Jimi Hendrix, Alvin Lee, Jimmy Page, Michel Bloomfield, Eric Clapton, a lot of people like that. I could name a million more, but I'll leave it like that. badboyrocker77 in Onstage_1 asks: hi mick my wife and i are taking our six year old daughter to your spokan show its her first and she loves the crue!! Mick_Mars_Live says: That's cool. I love new fans, especially young ones. Texangirl_21 in Onstage_1 asks: What was one of the best times you've had with Motley Crue over the years? Amarillo, Tx ClassicAndHardRockIsBest in Onstage_1 asks: What is one of your most memorable moments? Patrick from Waukegan, Illinois Mick_Mars_Live says: Let's see... Probably... I was in Sweden, we were playing there and the first night three Swedish girls took me home. It wasn't a sexual thing, we just had fun. gurneecrue in Onstage_1 asks: Mick, Do you still have the red corvette seen in "motley crue uncensored"?-Kent, Chicago Mick_Mars_Live says: Yes. Jamespain0 in Onstage_1 asks: Whats the hardest crue song to play and get right? James from London Mick_Mars_Live says: "Afraid" off the "Generation" album. There were so many electronics going on and it was hard to copy the synthesizers. I still have trouble with that song and that album too. DishDiva says: Mick, we have so many audience questions about where you guys will be on tour. Is there one place you are really looking forward to going? Mick_Mars_Live says: I think Argentina because I haven't been there before. I have a lot of favorite places, but I'm really looking forward to Argentina because we haven't been there before. DishDiva says: Mick, thanks for taking the time to stop by to talk with fans about the tour. DishDiva says: From all of your fans here on MSN, best of luck with the tour! Mick_Mars_Live says: Thank you for staying with us, thank you for being Motley fans, I can speak for the rest of the guys, we all love you and will see you on tour!

[luciferising]

Hey, it's the same trans guy that asked about your nipples (or lack of). So I've begun my journey to get a diagnosis and hopefully surgery+hormones later. What can I expect once I start T? I know the physical but if there are other (Like emotional, sex drive etc.)

hey again! this is a big question with a long answer!

What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Testosterone Edition

a note about physical changes (i know you said you know what to expect)

it’s normal to have an emotional reaction to your body changing physically on t. you might have mixed feelings about the changes, that’s okay. you might be frustrated about not knowing your body while it’s changing. that’s okay. you will adapt and learn about your new body.

you might be a little annoyed that you have to wear deodorant more. you might ask god why you got hair on your butt immediately but had to wait months for leg hair.

comparing yourself to cis men will get you nowhere. comparing yourself to other trans men will get you nowhere. focus on yourself. celebrate your two stomach hairs.

this goes for hormonal changes and surgical changes. every body is different and will react differently to hormones/surgery. ex: i have an indented chest, so regardless of how my chest surgery went my left side will always protrude more than my right side.

emotional changes

the first few weeks i was on t i noticed i was much more energetic (kinda normal according to my doctor). if you’re an anxious person you might feel very on edge/anxious during this time, but it’ll pass.

i don’t cry nearly as often, i think it’s been like twice in the past 8 months or so. i’ve heard a bunch of transmasc ppl say that happens.

it was the kind of thing i didn’t really notice until someone else commented about themselves crying less. i don’t really miss it.

i still do have mood swings, anxiety, and depressive episodes (i have bipolar 2), but they are less extreme/severe than they used to be. again, heard that a bunch, i don’t think it’s unique to me.

i am NOT more quick to anger than i was pre-t. that’s a scare tactic to keep ppl from seeking out hrt.

i’m not as scared/anxious as i used to be. i don’t know if that’s from t or just from learning to accept and love myself more. either way, i’m happy about it!

sexual changes

i’m horny all the time. scorpio doesn’t think my drive has increased that much since starting t, but i think i’m on fire all the time.

my sexuality changed. i used to find myself almost exclusively attracted to women, rarely feeling attracted to men. it’s kind of flipped. i am mostly attracted to men now. my taste in men has also changed from very petite/twinkie men to big physically tuff men.

i’ve been told this is normal, but it really freaked me out when it started happening.

the way i experience attraction has also changed. i don’t really know how to explain it other than that now my attraction feels more intense, almost burning.

i’m more visual now than i used to be. i get more aroused from photos of scorpio now than i did prior to t.

i know this is a physical change but: your dick will feel different. it’s like having a new appendage. it’ll take some time to adjust the new type of sensation. if you have a partner (or partners) they can help you figure out what feels good, too. it can be frustrating!

ok so one thing no one warned me about that i wish i had been prepared for was the role changes and social changes that happen once you start to pass.

people started acting like i was in charge of things (at my work) that i am not in charge of. I am repeatedly mistaken for a manager. customers at my store will look to me for answers over my female coworkers because i look like a guy. they believe my answers. even other coworkers do this. i don’t know anything at all, but they treat my answer like it’s handed down from God maybe 2/3rds of the time.

people in general just seem to think “hey he’s a guy, he knows what’s going on,” i never know what’s going on. i can’t believe cis men just live like this. never assume a guy knows anything. we never do.

guys do handshakes with other guys. i don’t know why. i don’t like it. i miss getting more hugs. just hug them. hug your guy friends. they don’t get enough affection and warmth.

guys aren’t intimate with each other that often. i am very open with my friends, and i encourage them to be open. but sometimes i think it must be very lonely being a guy. they don’t talk to each other that much.

i really have to watch how i interact with women now. i look like a threat. i’m kinda tall, i wear black and i wear big boots. i look threatening, especially at night.

big thing: even if you are small! when you look like a guy women will still be uneasy around you if they don’t know you! accept this. do what you can to make them less uneasy, i.e. don’t walk right behind them, don’t stare at them, etc.

coming off of that, once you look like a guy, you can’t act like you’re still a woman. you can’t go into women’s spaces anymore, you aren’t welcome there anymore. you’re a guy. even though you’re afab you have to respect this boundary. you have to listen to women when they enforce this boundary.

bathrooms: no one talks to each other in there. get in, get out. you don’t need to smile or say hello, or even make eye contact.

[sweetlialia]

A new home, chapter 1

It was the third of October 1998 and Harry sat alone in the deserted potion classroom. He didn’t even have to try to picture the scene that should been playing in front of his eyes, it was there: Snape wandering around them, his eyes unreadable as they watch them brew, Hermione biting her lips in focus while Ron would be mumbling to his cauldron. Zabini and Malfoy would be working without talking; only glancing at Parkinson’s potion from time to time to correct something he would later repeat to Ron. As always, the lesson would end up when Seamus blew something up. He had learned new ways of making things explode and never failed to help Neville escape Snape’s animosity.

But not today.

Today Harry was sitting alone at his desk, letting his fingers feel the old wooden table as he wonders what happened to them.

Not many people he knew went back to Hogwarts. The Patil sisters were taking their classes from home, he heard, and Cho’s family had moved away. Hannah told him that Ernie had joined the Auror Training Program while Finch-Fletchley had temporarily left the Wizarding World for a year at Eton. None of the Slytherin he knew seemed to be there either. But hopefully, his best friends were still by his side. He still had Neville, Dean, Seamus, Ron and Hermione with him. His heart missed Ginny and Luna. They were supposed to be here too, but he hadn’t seen them since they took a Portkey to Brazil after Fred’s funeral.

 “You ok Harry?

-Oh, I hadn’t heard you come in.

-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you.

-No no, it’s fine Nev, you can stay. I was just, you know, thinking. It’s been kinda weird lately.

-Hogwarts will never be the same, not for us.

-I’d hope you’re wrong.” Harry shrugged. “but it feels true. Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. When, when I came back here, the very first time I saw the castle from the platform, it felt like home. But home isn’t a place, right Neville, it’s its people. And our people, I don’t know where they are anymore, but it isn’t there.

-Harry, I have something to tell you…

-You’re leaving, too, that’s it? I know you’re taking some NEWT next week. I saw your book.

-I’m… I’m going to have a baby.”

 ***

30th April, 98.

I broke up with him today. I couldn’t tell him about the baby. About our baby. He’s already suffering too much, between Ombrage, Snape and the Carrows. His friends and him are still resisting, still fighting. If I tell him about the baby… I’m afraid he would try to protect me and risk his own life in the process. He has become so brave lately. I never thought I could fall for him. But here am I. Seventeen and pregnant with his child. Sweet Merlin. What have I done?

I know it’s too late to do something about it. If I go back to Mrs Pomfrey and tell her I changed my mind... for a week or two, maybe she’ll send to St Mungo and… and I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore.

Is it wrong that I don’t want to? That I want this baby to live even if I don’t know in which world they will grow in? If Voldemort wins the war… I’m a pure blood, and he’s, too. Maybe we can survive his reign of terror. But he would never stop fighting, will he? Even if we run away… He would try to fight for a better world; he would say things like “our child deserves the world I’m fighting for”. And he would be right. But then, he would die, and my baby would never know his father.

If only I could tell someone… but mom and dad would kill me/ and him. And my friends would never understand… I’m not even sure that we’re friends anymore anyway. We’re barely talking anymore. Everything in this castle is slowly rotting and smelling like death. We haven’t heard about Harry for months. I guess he ran away with Hermione and Ronald, making babies in France.

 But what if Voldemort loses? If he loses, I would have deprived my child of a wonderful father. If said father wants him. I can’t picture him rejecting us, but… he’s not used to them as I am now. If I tell him for the baby and he rejects me…

Stop, enough thoughts for today. Time to go to sleep.

 I really like Alice, if it’s a girl. Just like his mom.

I’m gonna make it out alive for you.

And I’ll tell dad. You just have to be patient.

   ***

Harry stood up, silent, as Neville’s words reached his brain. He was going to have a baby. A baby. Neville was going to have a baby and he didn’t have a single clue on who was the mother. Neville was going to have a baby. Neville had had sex with someone. Neville who, not so long ago was waltzing on its own after the Yule ball was going to have a baby. Neville who never dated anyone expect Ginny at the Yule ball was going to have a baby.

“How?” was somehow the only word his brain could manage.

“I’ve met this girl while you were um, hunting, and I don’t know how but we end up dating and now she’s pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but she’s almost here, so I have no other choice but to leave school. I talked to Professor McGonnagal before summer and that’s why I’m only studying herbology ten hours a day, six days out of seven. Once I have my NEWT I have a job at a flower shop. It won’t be easy, but my granny isn’t pleased with the new and hasn’t planned on helping me financially. She said she’ll help me with the practical things such as how to change a diaper and how to hold a baby but I need money to feed the baby and buy said diaper and so I need a job and

-Neville Neville stop please! You’re going to die if you don’t breath!

-It’s a little bit overwhelming.

-A little bit, yeah. Just breath for a few secs, okay?

-I don’t have a few secs! She’s due for early November!

-She?

-Yes, she.” Neville smiled, nodding. “A little girl. A watermelon sized baby girl. But that’s all I know! I just know she’s watermelon sized! And that she’ll be Scorpio. Why would I care about her muggle astrologic zodiac? I’m going to have a baby in a month Harry! A baby! I don’t know anything about baby! Or about anything in general. I’m just a kid, I’m not supposed to have a kid on my own, not now. I’m not even able to keep an eye on a toad! So a baby! I’m gonna make her fall or forget her in the bath or the train or

-I’ll help you! Neville, I’ll help you! I promise. You won’t be alone. You won’t be alone and it’s gonna be okay. Do you hear me, Neville Longbottom? You won’t be alone. Now breath. You’re gonna be a great dad, ok? Say it, you’re gonna be a great dad.

-I’m gonna be a great dad.

-Again.

-I’m gonna be a great dad.

-Does anyone except your grandmother and Professor McGonnagal know about him?

-Her parents and bestfriends.

-Are they supportive?

-They kicked her out of their home. She’s staying at her best friend’s place until we gather enough money to rent a flat.

-Shit I’m sorry… Do you… Are you guys together?

-Yes, since last year. But no one knew… Harry, you have to promise me you won’t be mad…

-Why would I? You haven’t get Ginny pregnant, right? Neville, you haven’t get Ginny pregnant?

-No no no! Plus you were together back then! I wouldn’t have!

-Geez. Then, who’s the girl?

-Promise you won’t be mad.

-You’re scaring me. But okay, I promise.

-I’m with Pansy Parkinson.

  ***

Pansy was lying on the bed, facing the world outside of the window. It has been days, and she hadn’t said a word.

“Pansy… Talk to me, please…”

 The silence treatment wasn’t new. She had always made up walls to protect herself, and those walls had always needed silent. Ordinarily, he would have given her some space and time to deal with whatever she had to deal with; waiting patiently until she felt ready to open up. But now wasn’t ordinarily, they didn’t have time. The Aurors would show up sooner than later.

“Pansy…” he whispers again, afraid to speak out loud; afraid of his own voice in the silence of the Manor. “I’m here.” He climbed on the bed and snuggled against her, hiding his face in her long dark hair, twisting their hands. “I love you Pans. No matter what’s going on on your head, and no matter what’s going to happen, I love you.” “I love you” he repeated, when he felt her closing the gap between their bodies. “and I will always love you.

-I love you too, Draco.” She finally whispered back, raising their linked hands to her lips. She was crying.

 The moon was high when a thud noise woke them up. Eyes opened in the dark and hearts beating fast, they heard Narcissa high pitched scream.

“The Aurors.” Draco finally realised, quickly rising from the bed and running to the door, trying to lock them in. It hasn’t been another nightmare; the sounds were real, they were real. And Pansy wasn’t moving. “Pansy, you have to Apparate to Blaise’s. Follow the plan, Pans’, move! You have to go! Now! Apparate!

-Come with me!

-I can’t! Come on Pansy, go! Please, I beg you! They can’t find you there! You haven’t done anything for Him, they can’t find you here! Move, please!

-Draco…” Her body stayed still as she turned her head toward the window, catched by the numerous Lumos coming from the gardens.

“Draco! Draco son! Come downstairs now!” they heard Lucius call. He was giving them time, it was nearly too late.

“Pansy! Go away!

-I’m pregnant Dray.” She croaked, finally turning her gaze to him.

“What?

-I’m pregnant!

-You’re pregnant!

-Draco! Downstairs now! They won’t hurt you!” his father’s voice was nearer, and he swears he could hear people run up the stairs.

-Oh Sweet Salazar Pansy! Should I congratulate you?

-Could you?

-Is the father good to you? Does he love you?” he hurried, hope blowing in his chest.

“He told me so, but I broke up with him, it’s Neville, I was so scared and now I fucked up everything and

-Draco! Out! Now!

-Draco!” His mother’s voice echoed.

“Get back to him. Apparate to Blaise and get back to him. They will take care of you. I love you Pans, now go! Please, for the child, leave now!

-I love you too, Draco!” she cried in a loud crack as the door behind Draco’s back began to tremble.  

 ***

 Harry stood silence, shocked, for the second time in less than fifteen minutes. The mother was Pansy Parkinson. Pansy fucking Parkinson.

The girl who tried to held him to the Voldemort.

It just couldn’t be true.

 “Harry, please, say something.

-Pansy Parkinson?

-She’s really nice, when you get to know her.

-When did you get to know her? How the fuck did you get to know her?! Last time I saw her she tried to get me killed! And now you’re telling me she’s pregnant? That you got her pregnant? If this is some kind of a joke, it’s a really lame one.

-I’m not joking, Harry. I’m dating her since last December.

-Last December.

-We had detention together at Flich’s. She had hex a Carrow, to avenge a girl he had hit.

-And a good action is enough to buy back a past of pettiness and cruelty?

-She’s not cruel.

-So we agree on petty.

-Harry…

-She tried to get me killed; I have the right to call her petty.

-She didn’t want to, she

-She wanted me to die. She wanted me to surrender when an army was standing outside of our walls, Nev’. She was the reason why all Slytherins ended up in the dungeon instead of in the battlefield, fighting with us. She betrayed us.

-She was trying to save her baby. My baby.

-By having all of us killed?

-It was a really stupid plan.

-Indeed.

-She’s sorry. She’s really sorry. She threatened you to make sure our child will live whatever side win! If we had lost that day, I’d be dead and she’ll be raising our child in a convent. If we had lost and she had run to my side, Voldemort would have killed her too.

-She’s a Slytherin, a Pureblood, Malfoy’s bestfriend, if we had lost and she’d stayed silent, she’d have been safe. There was no need to send me to Voldemort.

-She could’ve hexed you. She’s brilliant, you know? She could’ve hexed you and carry you out herself, but she didn’t even try.

-Bless her.

-Harry. I’m trying to tell you that she isn’t the mean girl you think she is! And even if she’s been, she’s not anymore. And she wasn’t anymore when I talk to her for the first time last year. Believe me Harry. Believe in my judgment. Have I ever been something else than a friend to you? Have I ever been unworthy of our trust?

-Neville…

-Just try, Harry. Promise me you’ll try.”

Harry paused for a few seconds, inhaling deeply before nodding toward his friend. “If I found out she’s still that sneaky little bitch, I’ll rip her heart out.

-Harry, she’s my baby’s mom.

-I swear to Godric, don’t say that again or I’ll puke on your shoes.

-Duly noted.

-And, Neville.” Harry called out as his friend walked out the door. “I still love you.”

 ***

 T,

 I don’t know if my owl will reach you before they do. They broke into MM last night. I checked the news at dawn, they’re taking them to A. G has been taken too. I haven’t read about you, I hope you’re safe.

 P is safe. Terrified, but safe.

We’ll meet where it had all begun when the week is over.

B.

 ***

 “Come on, Ron, you promised me you’ll help me!

-But I promised Harry we’ll play tonight, sorry!” Ron lied as they got into the common room.

“Is it true, Harry?

-Huh?

-You arranged a game tonight?

-huh, yeah, sure. Wanna join?

-I got my DADA essay and

-Have you ever played Quidditch Hermione? I’ve never seen you.

-I’d rather watch than play.

-You never tried?” Ron, apparently stunned by the new, stopped dead on his track. “How come?

-Neville never had, either.” She tried when she spotted the boy reading by the fireplace.

“Neville what?

-You never played Quidditch, right?

-I almost die the first time I got on a broom for the recall.

-Long time ago, come on, we’re playing tonight!

-I still don’t want to die.

-Nev be fun for once! You’re acting more hermionish that Hermione herself!

-Hermionish?

-He’s practically dating his books.

-At least they’re not trying to break his neck.

-Lovebirds, lovebirds, please be quiet.” Seamus asked, climbing on the couch. “We’re not going to study tonight, but we’re not gonna play Quidditch either. Tonight we celebrate!

-Dean, get your leprechaun under control, for once.” Harry teased as said leprechaun stand still on the couch, arms open to the ceiling.

“Wait for the final.

-oh my, what’s going to explode?”

Dean raised his eyebrows, trying to contain a smile as Colin came running into the Eight Year common room, glass bottles in his hands, screaming I got them!I got them! to Seamus.

“I fear for my life.” He whispered as Seamus began to shake vigorously one of them.

“And I fear for mine.” he smiled, not taking his eyes away from his lover. “I fear for mine.

-You all know by now how amazing Dean is, right?” People cheered as Dean hide his face in his hands, making Ron and Cormac whistled louder.

“He’s not going to propose, right?

-He better not.”

“Well, Minnie knows it too! She asked him to do a mural on the courtyard; he’s gonna paint for Hogwarts! He’s gonna paint History!

-Mate! Congratulations!

-Come here, love, they wanna hear it from you!”

  “Wow. That was pretty intense for a Thursday night.” Harry enthused, back in their shared dormitory. The party was slowly fading now that they had retired upstairs, but they didn’t really care. The new has been shared and the sparkling wine drank. Life still had happiness to offer them, they knew it; they were still teens, they remembered it. But their need to celebrate every little glimpse of happiness came from a dark place within their heart, and they knew now not to live harder than they felt.

“Congrats mate. That’s fucking brilliant.

-Seamus makes it seems far greater than it is, you know.

-McGonnagal asked you to paint the Second Wizarding War and honour the fallen, Dean. That isn’t anything. Your work is going to be there for decades! Harry’s right, it’s fucking brilliant!

-It’s just…” Dean sighed, suddenly looking away, searching something in the darkness of the night.

“It’s okay. We’re okay now.” Seamus reminded him, leaving Neville’s Wizards and Witches cards to get to his side. “It’s over now.” He said, trying to keep his voice low and steady as he kissed his boyfriend’s temple. “We’re okay.” He repeated a last time, snuggling himself against him.

“It’s just…”he began again, gripping Seamus a little bit closer. “It reminds me of Luna. When we were in the Malfoy’s cellar, we used to paint on the walls. Malfoy had found out and started bringing us pigmented coal. That’s all we did for weeks. Paint with our fingers on dirty walls.

-But there wasn’t light.” Ron objected, slightly shivering at the memory of Hermione’s screams. “We couldn’t see much down there.

-I never said it was pretty. But it did keep us sane. And hopeful. And, and that what I want this mural to be, you know. I don’t want to paint what happened. I don’t want to paint the snatchers chasing us, Fudge lying to us or even the Goblet of Fire. I don’t want to paint Wood and his guys flying over Hogwarts at the start of the battle, I don’t want to paint the statues jumping down of their pillar. I don’t want to paint you, Neville, taking out Godric’s sword. I don’t want the pain, anger and madness we all felt to flourish on Hogwarts’s walls. I only want to draw the hope. But how can I do it now? Half of our friends hadn’t come back. Luna and Ginny … Sometimes, I don’t even know where to look to find hope. I know I’ll be happy. I’ve got you, I’ve got Seam, but… there’s something still missing, you know? I’d hoped for this day to come, all of us in our dorm, and now that it’s here, I just don’t know.” He paused, shaking his head. “I don’t know.

-I- I know what I hope for.” Neville started tentatively as no one seemed to be ready to talk. “I- I… I have hope in a better world. I hope my kids would grow in a better world than the one we grew into. We still have a lot to do, that’s for sure. We still need to heal and rebuilt our lives. But we also have to stay aware of our own bias and fight the pain that’s making us blind; cause we’ll all have to find within us the strength to forgive those who try to redeem themselves, and it will takes time, but I believe in it.

Dean, I don’t know how it could’ve felt in the cellar, but the hope you hold on to, I’ve felt it. I had the hope to see a day where we’d be all reunited; alive, safe and happy. I’ve endured the Carrows because I believed in victory, I believed in peace and in a better world. You haven’t lost hope. You accepted McGonnagal offer because you believe in a future where students would learn about the war we made without worrying about how frail peace could be. You don’t want to paint pain and suffering because you have this hope that their world would let them be carefree and happy. And that day will come. But for the next decades, kids will get to Hogwarts and learn about how they lose members of their families. And they’ll go to the courtyard and look up to your artwork and they’ll see what they died for, they’ll see why they kept fighting until the end. And that will pass from generation to generation: there’s some good in this world and it’s worth dying for. That what I hope for, a world which learn from his mistake and never try to forget. A world where this war could’ve never happened.

-A world where a little Draco Malfoy would be shaking hand with a little Harry Potter.” Dean asked, trying to smile behind his tears.

“In the world Neville’s talking about, my son could befriend his.” Harry nodded before slowly walking toward his friend. “I’m sorry for what I said.” He whispered before embracing the father to be.

  ***

If someone had ever asked Blaise Zabini what colour does he despite the most, he would have probably answered red; red as the Gryffindor beanie he was actually wearing to be precise. Turning the page of his newspaper, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing: wearing the Saviour’s colour has been the only logical choice he made when he planned to meet the son of a Death Eater in King Cross. The Aurors were patrolling everywhere, looking for allies of the Dark Wizard, and Muggle one has been given pictures of the fugitives. If he wasn’t amongst them and came back to the house alive, then he would consider himself lucky. Otherwise, stupid would be perfectly suiting.

10h58. With a deep breath, Blaise stood up and, checking conscientiously his surroundings, stride toward platform 93/4.  The entire plan was stupid. He didn’t even know if Theo had read his owl. Letters were still opened daily, and a coded one could have been considered dubious. And even if he got it, who said he’d be coming? They had never been great friends. The risk was too high. Anyone could be an Auror, or a muggle Auror. Who knew what does a muggle Auror looked like?

10h59. He still had a few seconds. Breathing in and out, he pretended to lace his shoes, giving time for the weird looking guy to pass.

At 11h, he had crossed the wall and stood alone on the platform.

“Shit shit shit…” he mumbled, searching for a hint of a human being. Theo wasn’t there. No one was there. He’s been pathetic, thinking his plan has the smallest chance of succeed. When the week is over could have meant Sunday and not Monday and where it had all begun how fucking precise!

At 11h02, he decided that he would leave the station at 05. Here he was the easiest target of the whole United Kingdom. There were cameras everywhere in the muggle part of the station; his beanie and an atrocious muggle jumper wouldn’t be a sufficient disguise if the authorities were really working hand in hand to capture every witches and wizards suspected of being linked to Voldemort. And he was sure to be on the list.

11h03. He shouldn’t have stayed with Draco after he took the Mark. He shouldn’t have started to talk to Theo when Draco did. He should have been there for Draco before he took the Mark in the first place. Should have forced him to leave his home when his wonky father got out of Azkaban. Should have run away to France when Voldemort had return. Mistakes on mistakes, that’s what he’s done with his last two years.

11h04. Something caught his eyes. A raven had landed on the platform, eyeing him. Did raven could eye people? Clenching his fist, he took a deep breath and decided that those last sixty seconds could get screwed. If this wasn’t a normal raven…

“Croa.”

Blaise heart achingly stopped in his chest as the raven start croaking again, as it jumped to face him. He couldn’t make a step without the damned bird croaking at him, coming nearer.

“Croa.” The bird repeated, opening his wings, as others came flying above them.

“Petrificus Totalus!” He shouted. The raven fell to the ground, petrified, soon followed by another, and a third one until all the birds were left lifeless. “What have I done?” he asked himself in horror as he finally lowered his wand. Around him, circling him, were dozen of raven, draining from their blood. The fall has been lethal. He stumbled and felt his entire body react to the ferric smell filling his nostrils. He couldn’t stay there. The scattered feathers, the blood dripping on the ground, it was a slaughter. Feeling his stomach constrict again, he started running until he crossed the wall. He had to get away from there as quickly as possible. He had to leave King Cross before anyone found out the mess he made. He had to be home when the entire Auror department would be deployed, looking for the dark wizard who just performed a sinister ritual. He needed a plan. He needed to breathe. He needed to puke. But a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him behind the pillar with force before he could even try to steady himself. Panic invaded him as he fell his own body hit the bricks, suddenly blind to the world surrounding him. It’s over he cannot helped fearing as a hand covered hastily his mouth.      

 ***

“Having trouble sleeping?” Harry asked as he found his best friend playing wizarding chess at 2 am in the empty common room.

“Can’t sleep. You? Nightmares again?

-Again.

-Wanna play?

-I dunno, I

-Just sit. I’ll play for you.”

Harry grinned slightly before curling himself in the sofa, accio-ing a plaid. The warmth and roaring blaze of the fire was comforting, extracting him from the numbness of the woods. Being with Ron had always helped him feel better. The Weasley had always made him feel safe; at home.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about what Dean told us tonight.

-The mural?

-Hope.

-Oh.

-Do you think that’s why Ginny hasn’t come back yet? Because she’d lost hope in her future here?

-You think she has?

-She said she’ll be back for school. Mom said she’s send a postcard on the 4th, to tell us not to worry. But how can I not? She’s my baby sis…”

 ***

It was almost midnight when Pansy finally gave up and cast a shy lumos, blowing out the candles. Their flickering light was freaking her out more than lighting anything anyway and she couldn’t stand the strange shadows crawling around the shack they were hidden in. Blaise hadn’t come back yet, and the knots in her stomach grew tighter and tighter with every cracked and squeaked from the wooden planks. Outside, the wind was slamming branches against the windows, or what was left of them and she could feel the air coming in. It wasn’t a night to be left alone.

Plus it wasn’t on the plan. Blaise was supposed to meet Theo at 11, and then they were supposed to come to the hutch. Blaise was gone for more than fourteen hours now; it couldn’t be good. Something had happened.

Something happened to Blaise.

Something happened to Blaise; too.

He has been taken by the Aurors, or maybe the Muggle ones. Did they still torture people in the non-wizarding world?

Or maybe someone recognised him and hexed him; leaving him bleeding to death in an alley. By now he was probably in St Mungo, lying unnamed in the mortuary.

 She heard him cry before they left his house. She knew something happened before they went into the woods. He had read something in the Prophet and had burned the papers before she could see it. Draco was probably dying somewhere in Azkaban and now they were taking Blaise, too…

And she would never know if they were still alive.

And she would die in there, alone and terrified.

She would let herself die in there if he didn’t come back. She would never be able to survive on her own. She would never be able to leave the shack and get through the woods.

No, no, no, she would. She shook her head, trying to dispel the thoughts running freely inside of her mind, before her eyes. She couldn’t let herself lose hope now. She had to stay strong and keep moving. She couldn’t collapse. Maybe Blaise has been taken; maybe King Cross has been guarded. Maybe they were looking for Theo and they had taken them both. But with or without them, she had to stay strong for her baby. She had agreed to stay in there because she feared for the little thing, but she still was Pansy fucking Parkinson by Salazar! She’d find another plan, and she’d stay strong; it was in her DNA.

If he hadn’t come back by the morning, she’ll stocktake their food and supplies and keep waiting as long as she could. Thereafter she’ll hide in a convent and finds out a way to rent an owl to reach for Neville. Then, and if he doesn’t throw her away, he’ll help her fight for them and get them out of Azkaban.

Yes, that was a good plan; a good backup plan; because Blaise was coming back.

He was coming back.

 ***

Harry woke up to the sound of Hermione’s chuckle. He had fallen asleep on the couch with Ron, again. That was becoming to feel like an old habit. Ron’s thoughts were too loud at night, preventing sleep to release him from their reality; and he hadn’t stop making nightmares since he went back from the dead. They ended up wandering in the Burrow at ungodly hours before finally sitting back down on the couch, figuring out they were no point in keeping pretending. Dusk didn’t felt like a blessing for them as it did for Hermione. But dawn did. Dawn was when he’d wake up to a snoring Ron and realise he had taken his glasses off before they fell to the floor and covered him so he won’t get cold. Dawn was when he would take his cover off, and put them on Ron, so he could get warm before waking up. Dawn was when he felt the happiest to still be alive.    

“What’s so funny?” he asked, his voice croaking, as he rest his chin on the back of the sofa, looking toward the form of his best friend walking down the stairs.

“Seamus.” Dean answered, coming behind her. “He bet he could make something explode during breakfast and Hermione bet he couldn’t wait until then.

-And I win! He blew up his toothpaste, Harry! His toothpaste!”

 Entering their shared bathroom, Harry couldn’t help but wonder how did his friend ended up being a magical TNT detonator: there was dentifrice up to the ceiling.

“You should’ve seen Seamus’s face.” Neville smiled awkwardly behind him. “Not only did he burst his own, but ours too! And he doesn’t even know how! I swear he’s gonna blow up the castle someday!

-He kinda already has.

-Yeah, right. Talking about, I- I wanted to thank you, for yesterday. For understanding.

-Would you, would you like to tell me more about her? How you met and how she was? Cause it feels like I don’t know this girl you fell for, and. I mean, if she’s important for you, then she’s for me.”

 “As I told you, we met in detention.” Neville began to recount as they walked toward the lake. “At first I didn’t wanted to talk to her but … Filch locked us up for six hours so … we began to talk.

 ***

“You ain’t catching me Longbottom!” she shouted, five stairs ahead. “You’re too slow!

-You’re defying me?

-Only stating the obvious!”

Neville shook his head in disbelief: he really was chasing Pansy Parkinson down, racing to the boathouse. And he was enjoying it. His heart was beating fast and he couldn’t stop smiling. Somehow he’d felt for her. He couldn’t tell if he fell for her bravery as she stood for first years or if it was her eyes sparkling with mischiefs when she looked at him. Maybe it was the way she laughs, bright and loud, unashamed to still feel joy or the way she walked, chin up and deadly glares to those who insult her and her friends. Falling for her hadn’t meant being blind or forgetful of their shared past, it had meant caring enough for her to open up and reveal who she really was behind the mask.

“Got you!” she smirked as she grabbed him by his robe, pulling him close.

“Yeah, you got me.” He smiled back, leaning toward her. Her smell had the power to shut down his brain, just as much as her red lips.

“You know, no one ever goes into the boathouse.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. So you can kiss me.

-Do you want to?

-Yes.” She answered, closing her eyes as she felt Neville’s lips on hers.

 Falling for him has been easy, but admitting it hasn’t. Neville wasn’t supposed to be her type. She always had crushes on people like Draco, Hermione or even Ginny; strong people who knew what they wanted and were able to fight for it. She hadn’t planned Neville was one of them. He had grown into a man far different from the little boy she thought he was, and it was he delight to discover him, she had to admit. His bravery and obstinacy toward a better world has been a surprise for her who had never given him a second thought, but his kindness and candor weren’t, and she was glad to realise he hadn’t lost them on the way.

 “Maybe you could kiss me again?” she whispered as Neville broke their kiss. “If you wanted to…

-I’d love to.” He grinned, taking her hand. “And maybe we could be more than friends…

-Like best friends?” she asked, playfully.

The glitters in her gaze were back, and Neville felt his heart melt in his chest. “Like lovers.” He corrected, wondering where his fearlessness came from.

“I’d like it.” she said, her eyes in his. She wasn’t smiling anymore, but he couldn’t see it, as he was mesmerised by something in her iris. “If you promise not to fry my brain.

-Only if you don’t break my heart.”

 ***

 Christmas was coming. The twelves Christmas trees glowed in the halls as garlands glittered in every common room. The Castle was literally sparkling from inside out. But sitting in front of the hearth, a wreath in her laps, Pansy felt empty. The burst of joy usually inhabiting her wasn’t there; for the first time since kindergarden, she wasn’t going to spend Christmas Eve at Malfoy Manor.

Sitting in the middle of her common room, she could only feel the emptiness inside her. Draco hadn’t come back in September and his absence seemed to fill the air, now more than before. He had stopped sending her letters since mid-October and she couldn’t help thinking it had something to do with the rumours she heard in the late whispered talks saying that the Dark Lord was living with them.

“Pans, you comin? McGonnagal’s not gonna wait forever.”

  The December’s trip to Hogsmeade has always been her favourite; snow battles, Christmas shopping, Honey Dukes and Daphne’s atrocious seasonal jumpers were like inevitable glimpse of Heaven in her eyes. Saying that Pansy Parkinson loved winter would only be an understatement; she practically lived for it. But when her friends started throwing snowballs at each other she slowed down, creating space between them. When Theo and Blaise decided to make a halt in Tomes and Scrolls, she followed Daphne around, heartlessly.

“Are you alright sweetie?” the blond finally asked as they passed a choir. “You’re surprisingly silent. And distant.

-I’m just not in the mood. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ruin your day out.

-You’re not ruining anything; I’m just worried.

-You don’t have to. I’ll meet you guys later at the Three Broomsticks if that’s okay? I’d like to stay alone a little bit.

-You know you can talk to me, right?

-Don’t worry, ‘kay? I’ll meet you there.

-Pinkie promise?

-Whatever you want.” She shook her head, offering her finger to her friend. “I can’t believe you still believe in this.

-But I do. I’ll be in there, if you change your mind.” She added, pointing toward a Christmas charms shop across the street.

 In other circumstances, she would have gladly crossed the street with her friend. And she’d probably have deal with her best friend absence by buying him one of those Christmas tree decorations he loved so much.  But in those circumstances, it was too must to ask. So she turned her heels and began to walk away from the village, toward the little hill overlooking the Shrieking Shack. And there she was, looking at the odd house from afar when a familiar voice called her name. She didn’t had to turn away to know Neville was coming closer, she could hear his footstep on the fresh snow.

“Hey… Are you okay?” he queried as he stood beside her.

  You know, at first I was impress by her attitude. We were all slowly losing our composure, finally understanding what was really happening at Hogwarts, between the absence of all muggleborn and half the half-blood, the punishments of the Carrows, Filch’s adoration for Ombrage old teaching methods and the curriculum itself. I thought my world was tumbling down. But there she was, proud and reckless, spelling and hexing, standing up to us, as if she was born for it. Yes, I was more than impress. I was heels over head before the first snow. And only then did she let me get to know her more… deeply. She opened up and showed me her cracks, and I couldn’t but love her more at how strong she was for standing up when her base was all flickering. For months she’s tortured herself for having Death Eaters children as friends. Only the Greengrass girl wasn’t one. And I know what you must be thinking Harry, birds of a feather flock together, but it was terrorising her. For nights she couldn’t sleep, overthinking about it. Maybe she was petty, and maybe she sometimes acted out of “cruelty”, I would stay stupidity, but she never believed in all that pureblood superiority bullshit. She’s been raised to believe in certain things and she was only presented to other children raised to believe in those same things, but she finally chose to question all of it, because it never fully made sense for her. For her it was as if someone had just ripped off her eyelids. She’s been taught not to see any of it, and suddenly, it was everywhere. She was torn apart between her love for her family and friends and what she was discovering about them, wondering if she could still love them, wondering if she should cut those ties or try to rip off their eyelids. She was constantly feeling like a failure, feeling fake. I’m not trying to make you pity her, I just want you to know she has always been far more than what she made herself appears to be. She needed people to believe she was… how should I say it? Complete? Solid? I don’t know. But she also had her cracks, and she kept them hidden for months. And I’m not saying … She needs time to trust people, and until she trusts them, she won’t let them see her. It’s not a mask, it’s an armour. She’s protecting herself. And she let me in. She opened up to me and let me question her raising and beliefs. And I didn’t find anything awful.

***

“Neville! Neville hurry up! It’s Seamus!”

The Room of Requirement suddenly felt too small as Ginny took him by the arm, running toward the door. Around them, the DA fell quiet as students stopped in their practise, anticipating the worst as they took their leader’s distress in. Running up the stairs, Neville couldn’t form any coherent thoughts. He knew the path, but his brain didn’t want him to realise he was rushing to the hospital wing. Yet, that was where they were heading.

“What happened?” he finally urged as they slow down, taking in the sight of the closed curtain bed.

“The Carrows. Parkinson found him unconscious on the third floor; said it was the Carrows. I rather warn you, it’s not pretty.”

Ginny hadn’t lie. Seamus was everything except pretty, barely recognisable. His face was tumefied and his eyes were swollen too, purple from the blood within them. His lip was cut and bruises were already forming by his left cheekbone, down to his chin. His right was hidden behind a bandage coming from the upper part of his head.

“They haven’t. Tell me they haven’t done that.” He whispered, coming closer to the bed. Now wasn’t the time for letting his anger out. Luna was shaking in a chair across the bed, studying carefully the potions in the bedtable.

“He has some broken ribs too. But Madam Pomfrey says he’s gonna be okay.” Ginny informed him, as she placed a hand above the covers, where Seamus hand probably was. “But he still hasn’t wake up.”

“He’s gonna be okay. He’s strong. He’s gonna be okay.” He tried to convince himself as a distant moan escape his friend’s lips.

“D-Dean..

-Seamus? Seamus, you’re safe. You’re at the hospital wing. You’re safe, Seamus. We’re here. Ok?” Luna murmured, gently stroking his hair as he feebly wailed his lover name again and again.

“I’m gonna kill them. I’m gonna kill them!” Neville swore, gritted teeth, as he stormed out of the room, quickly followed by the redhead girl. “I’m gonna kill them and make them pay for it.

-And then, what? You kill them, and then, what?  You run to Abelforth? The gardens are full of death eaters and dementors! You’d be dead before midnight! Or worse. Is that really what you want? We’re gonna have our revenge, I promise you.

-And until then, we’re gonna sit down and wait? We’re gonna let the Carrows terrorize and torture our schoolmates? Our friends?

-We’ll keep training. We’ll keep training, and when the time comes, we’ll be ready to finally fight back.

-I can’t.

-You have no choice, Nev. We’re in a state of war. War! You can’t just act on impulse! You have to focus on the bigger picture. We have to keep Hogwarts until Harry comes back.

You can’t just give us up.

-I’m not.

-Then fucking act like it!” she roared before leaving him alone in the middle of the corridor.

    “How’s Seamus?” Pansy finally asked, nestled against her boyfriend in their secret alcove. He had barely spoken since he came out of the Hospital Wing a few hours ago. His friend was barely breathing when she found him earlier that day; she could barely imagine what he must be feeling.

“Madam Pomfrey says he’s gonna be okay… but you saw him, right? You know how bad it looks like.

-I’m sorry. I wish I could have done something.

-It’s killing me. I wish I could do something. I wish I could…

-He’s gonna be okay, love.

-You don’t understand.” He murmured to her temple, matter-of-factly. “No one’s gonna be okay. We’re supposed to keep Hogwarts until Harry comes back. Then, we’ll fight to death. Thus I don’t see how anyone could be okay.” He sighed, closing his eyes.

“Look at me. Neville, I said look at me. People die every day out there. People die. But Seamus isn’t going to. It was a close call, but he will make it, and someday, he’s gonna be okay. He’s gonna be okay because you’re gonna keep going. I know you, you’re not going to sit, hide somewhere and wait for the Mighty Saviour to come back. You’re going to keep standing up against the Carrows, maybe more now than ever. You’re going to keep standing up for the weaker, for those who are afraid, those who lay in hospital beds. You aren’t doing nothing. You weren’t there when Seamus got attacked, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be there for someone else, honey. It isn’t a fair fight, but I know you still in, right? And as long as you keep going, I’d bet on you. Now tell me, Neville, who are you betting on?

-I’m betting on you.

-I’m being serious here, darling.” She tried to repress a smile as he took off an eyelash from her cheek, keeping his hand against her skin.

“And I am, too. I want you to join the DA.

-I can’t.

-Everyone knows we’re fighting for the same side. I’m sure they’d take you in.

-I really can’t. I can fight against the Carrow; but

-Then would you train with me? Would you fight with me?

-Hell I’ll do. I’ll fight with you, Neville Longbottom. Until the very end.”

  ***

“What are you waiting for? Someone grab him.” Pansy’s words resonated in the sudden silence of the Great Hall, making Ginny rush toward Harry, shielding him behind her. Soon, every member of the Orders and DA were standing in front of him or flanked by his side, wand out. Harry couldn’t be taken to Voldemort, and they wouldn’t let anyone do so; even if that meant hurting a fellow student.

 “Students out of bed! Students in the corridors!” Filch yelled as he burst breathless into the hall.

“They’re supposed to be out of bed, you blithering idiot!” Professor McGonnagal snapped, as the caretaker, realising his mistake, apologized flatly. “As it happens, Mr Filch, your arrival is most opportune. If you would, I would like you to lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the Hall.

-Where exactly is it I’ll be leading them to, ma’am?

-The dungeons will do.” she concluded, taking her attention back to Harry. “I presume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need?

-Time, professor. As much as you can get me.

-Do what you have to do. I’ll secure the castle. Potter …” She called again, slightly unsure on what was left to say. “It’s good to see you.

-It’s good to see you too, professor.” He said back, already on his way out. “Hold on the fort Neville!”

 Neville nodded. He knew what he had to do. Theày had made so many plans during the last three months that he didn’t have to consult Ginny before exposing them to the Order. He knew that she was agreeing with him and would have proposed the same tactic; but he also knew she was too distracted to take the lead right now. Harry was back. After months of wandering, his presence filled the castle.

Furthermore, organizing their defence and getting ready to fight for his life seemed to mute Pansy’s voice still echoing inside his head.

 “Pansy, come here.” Vince murmured, already sneaking out from the group led by Filch. “Draco will need us. They will need us.” His tone was barely a whisper as he couldn’t refrain his enthusiasm. He was metamorphosed, waiting for the Dark Wizard to take the school like a child waits for Christmas.

“I’m staying in the dungeon. And you probably should too. If Filch found you wandering

-He ain’t gonna see us! The Dark Lord is coming Pansy! The Dark Lord! No one will even see us! This is it, the time has come!

-I’m staying there. Blaise! Blaise!” she called out loudly, hoping to get scolded by the old man in the process, the other boy being ten foot away.

“What’s wrong with you Pans? Haven’t been noticed enough already?” he chided her, going upstream.

“Tell him we have to stay in the dungeon with the others!” she pleaded quietly.

“I’m not stayin’ in the dungeon! My place is in the battlefield! With my father and my own!

-Oh come on, Crabbe. You’re more likely to kill You-Know-Who by inadvertence. We’ll watch for you down there.

-I am not going to the dungeon! Aren’t you gonna fight for the Dark Lord?! Great Salazar, you aren’t going to, are you? You’re gonna stay hidden and wait for a side to lose. And when you’ll get out of your stash, you’ll try to get in the winner’s good graces. I pity you.” He spat, suddenly pouting like first year Draco.

“You can take you pity up your arse, for what I care. Come on, Pans, let gets to the dungeon before someone notice we’re missing.” He gave up, shaking his head before taking his friend by the hand. “I’m not gonna die for those fuckers” he muttered, walking them away.

“And Draco? What are you doing of Draco?” Vicent yelled. “If we lose, he’s gonna die tonight!”

 “Draco’s not gonna die, he’s not gonna die.” Blaise promised to a curled up Pansy. The room felt too small. On every faces, she could read the same anxiety she felt inside her, gnawing her. Theodore was on the other side of the room, his forehead against the stone wall. His father was probably somewhere at the borders, waiting for You-Know-Who’s orders. Locking them up in the dungeon, she’d avoided him the painful idea to face his dad, and die by his hand.

She knew Blaise was talking to her, she could feel his breath on her cheek, but she couldn’t hear him. If You-Know-Who lose tonight, Draco would… but even if he won, who knew what he’d have send him to beforehand. Blocking her breath, she tried to steady herself, focusing on everything else. She couldn’t do anything to save her friend, not at the cost of her baby life. A baby whose father was currently getting ready to fight upstairs. A baby whose father was soon going to mate his fate, too.

As Neville’s body lay lifeless in her mind, she started crying, trying her best at repressing the screams coming from her gut. She was going to lose her mind.

“Pansy! Pansy!” Blaise whispered hardly against her ear, trying to hold her as tight as could be as she kept biting her hand. “Pansy breathe!”

  They won. But where was the overwhelming joy he had imagined feeling? He was sitting alone in a bench, and couldn’t find any solace in his surroundings. The castle was destroyed. Families were destroyed. People had died tonight. Many people. Too many. As Luna came, taking the place beside him, he smiled at her. In another universe, her presence would have been enough to bring him out of the chaos. But not in this one. Here, he’d have need another girl. A girl who had just betrayed him.

 ***

It was almost two in the morning when the wooden door creaked loudly. Senses suddenly on alert, she grabbed her wand, pointing it toward the bedroom door.

“Pans?” a familiar voice called her from the living room. Barely raised, she let herself fall back in the mattress as she called him back, almost wailing, as tears of relief started rolling down her cheeks. He was back. He was back and he was alive. “Blaise!” she called, again, urging him to her as he burst through the doorframe.

“I’m here, I’m here. I’m right here.” He whispered, embracing her. “Theo’s here too.

-I thought, I thought they had

-Shht, it’s okay. It’s over, now. I’m sorry things didn’t go as planned.

-Can I come in?” Theo asked from behind the curtain “Everyone’s decent?”

The morning sun found them sleeping, mix of limbs half on the mattress, half on the floor. Blaise had taken feathers in the sheets while Theo hadn’t removed his blood stained shirt, but for one more hour, it would stay unsaid, inexistent.  

They had fallen asleep squeezed up against each other after wordlessly agreeing on doing the talking later. Theo had practically collapsed from exhaustion as his brain understood he was finally somewhere safe. The week has been hard. They could allow themselves a break. They could pretend everything was fine for the rest of the night.

 Theo woke up last.  For the first time in a week, he stayed a little bit longer under the cover, appreciating the sunrays and the quiet laughter of his friends on the other room. Hiding his face in his hand, he sighed happily. He was safe and sound, and above all, he wasn’t alone anymore. Obviously the shack was spartian. He had had a small glimpse of it as he got in but in the cruel light of reality, it was even worse. The bedroom wasn’t empty; the two mattresses lying on the floor were all it could contains. There wasn’t any drawer or shelf, only a traveling bag full of neatly fold clothes, ready to get picked up at any time. Opening the curtain separating the two rooms he realised the door was in fact missing. On the so called living room, Pansy and Blaise were sitting on buckets, eating their breakfast on a rickety table. Their food was stored against the wall where a chair was used as a shelf.

“You woke up!” Pansy smiled at him, pushing a bucket toward him. “If the gentleman wants to take a seat…

-We didn’t really know where to go.” Blaise shrugged as his friend tried the balance of his seat.

“It’s fine, okay? I mean, as long as you have toilets.

-That door.” she pointed the only other door. “But don’t expect a shower.

-As if I remembered what a shower is.

-When did you leave your house?

-I didn’t really get back, after… after…” he forfeited with a wave of the hand. “I got your letter by chance. I hadn’t meant to get back home, but as they had just taken father... I packed my things, took some galleons… I’ve been wandering in muggle London since we left Hogwarts… A roof is everything I’ve been praying for, Blaise. I know you guys are already on thin ice, I know how hazardous it is for you to shelter me. I am thankful. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.  

-I know, I’m sorry.

-What about you Pansy? Since we left Hogwarts?

-I’ve stayed at the Manor until the Aurors came in. Then I Apparated at Blaise’s. He took his bags and you know the rest of the story.

-So you saw Draco? Where is he?

-I don’t know.” She avowed, biting her lip.  “I... they came at night, and Draco… he said he couldn’t come with me.

-They’ve been taken to Azkaban.” Blaise voiced out for the first time. “Same night as your old man. Front page cover in every magazine.

-You never told me!” Pansy moaned, tears already filling her eyes.

“How could I’ve? You stayed fucking silent for three days Pans! You were barely functioning, I couldn’t tell you!

-He’s my bestfriend! I needed to know!

-You knew! The fucking Aurors bursted into his house in the middle of the fucking night by Salazar! you couldn’t have imagined they were taking him to the ball? The Death Eaters has always rot in Azkaban Pansy! Azkaban!

-Shut up! Stop it!” she screamed, trying to cover his words as he rose from his bucket.

“Oh, and flash new: Draco is a fucking Death Eater!” he yelled before slamming the door behind him.

 “You okay?” Theo tried as he finally found Blaise in the middle of the wood.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. It’s just… I lose my temper. We… we had never talked about Draco before.

-Are you mad at her for leaving him behind?” he asked softly, still making him look away abruptly. “You feel like she ran without him…” he added, resting a tentative hand on his arm.

“She should have forced him!” he suddenly shouted, moving away. “Narcissa would have made up a lie to cover his absence, it could have worked! But she Apparated without him! And she dares! He! He’s in Azkaban for Merlin sake! In Azkaban!

-Blaise …” he whispered, making a step forward.

“It’s over!” he broke down, falling to his knees. “He’s never going to get out of there. No one ever gets out of there.”

  ***

“I think I’d like to know her.” Harry acknowledged as Neville stopped declaiming his love for Pansy Parkinson. There was no use in pretending that he wasn’t heels over head for the Slytherin girl, neither was some in pestering against the girl he once knew; she apparently wasn’t anymore. “Would you mind introducing me to her, someday? I mean, if you’re both okay with it of course.

-You really do?

-I hear you talk about the girl of your life for half an hour, Nev.” He smiled, fondly. “What kind of horrible friend would I be if I didn’t want to. I really want to get to know her for who she is now.

-Harry...” he sighted, obviously relief. “Thank you. It- It means so much for me.

-You’re welcome, really.” He answered, scratching his neck, uneased by his friend sudden warmness. Seemingly taken by the same feeling, Neville suddenly started picking his books for his daily classes before heading toward the door.

 “Harry?” he abruptly asked, stopping short in the middle of the corridor. “Do you think I could tell the others? I mean, do you think they would listen, too? I want them to know her; I want all of you to. And when the baby’s here… I want you guys to be part of her life. But if they don’t accept Pansy... I won’t know what to do …

-Hermione’s logical, family comes first for Ron, Dean testified at Malfoy’s trial and Seamus’s a big ball of fluffiness lately. I think they’d be okay with it. And if they aren’t, I’ll hex them.

-I’m being serious here.

-And I am, too. We’re more than just roommates or friends; we’re a family. We’ll stand with you.”  

 ***

Blaise came back to the shack when dusk started to slowly fade the outdoor world. Laying down on one of the mattress, Theo seemed fast asleep, Pansy absentmindedly playing with his hair.

“Hi.” He greeted quietly, closing the door as carefully as possible as Pansy crossed the few meters between them, taking a bucket to sit on. “Still worn out?” he asked, nodding toward the form on the bed.

“Seems like. Told me about his week, how he slept on streets when he could sleep at all. I gave him your clothes, by the way. I cleansed his.

-Thanks.

-It was nothing a tergeo couldn’t deal with, actually. It’s quite an efficient spell when it comes to blood.

-Cool.” He guessed, scanning their food stock. “I’ll cook dinner. Would you wake him up in a bit?

-Leaving Draco behind, it broke my heart, you know. But he- he’d never planned on running with me. Or running at all.

-I wouldn’t have left without him. I’d stayed by his side until we both could be safe.” He countered calmly, weighting the pro and con of eating the spinach tonight.  

“Blaise, please. He decided to get back to the Manor. He spent days there, waiting for the Aurors burst-in. He tidied up his room and burned things down. He was perfectly aware of the outgoing.

-You’re telling me he willingly waited for an Azkaban cell?

-I- I don’t know. But I know he did wait for the Aurors. I’m sorry Blaise but he didn’t fight. His parents called him downstairs and when I left, he was walking toward the door. He gave himself in.

-I can’t believe you.

-But you’ll have to! You can deny it as much as you want it will still be the one and only truth. He never planned on running away. Never.

-But it makes no sense!

-Maybe but that’s what happened. I’m sorry, Blaise. I’d have liked it to be otherwise… but he chose to stay.

-May I say something?” Theo interrupted, walking over them. “I saw him at the Manor, during winter break. Father had… meetings… there. It was already too much for him to bear, it was eating him from inside. He took the Mark, he … Who knows what he was ordered to do? Who knows what he did and witness? I don’t, but I can guess… He hated it, being a Death Eater, but that doesn’t undo the fact that he was one. And I think that’s why he gave himself in; he knew that what he did was wrong so he did what he thought was right. I think he tried to pay the price...”

Letting Theo’s words sink in, they stood in silence for a while. His pitch made sense. It was terrific in a way, but it made sense.

“If you guys are ready, I think it’s time to figure out how we can help him now.” Theo directed.

A few accio later, they were sitting around the table, feathers ready to plan everything up.

“Firstly, I think we need to know if we’re really looking for.

-Really, mate? We spent the last day running away from Aurors trying to find you.

-But as you aren’t Death Eater children, or Death Eater, or even Allies of the Dar- of Voldemort, we have to be sure about it.  And if one or both of you are wanted, we can’t just guess for what crimes. We can’t plan anything up without a foreseen of which potential penalties you could incur if we get caught.

-Don’t get me wrong, I get the idea; I just don’t think we’ll find a list in a muggle newspaper. We’ll have to go back to the Wizarding World, and I think it’s too risky.

-Maybe, maybe we can ask Neville.” Pansy proposed, avoiding their astonished gaze. She clenched her fists under the table, trying to stop her hands from shaking this much.

“Neville? Like in Neville Longbottom?” Blaise asked first.

“Indeed.

-And why would he help us? He hates us!” Theo asked second, hands moving in disbelief.

“I dated him. Back in Hogwarts.” She blurted out, making them both curse in surprise. “He’s not the weak-minded we thought he was, you know. He’s clumsy, that’s undeniable, but he’s brave too and he’s got a fierceness you’d be jealous from.

-Are we still talking about Neville Longbottom?” Blaise inquired, earning a death glare from the other side of the table and a kick from beside. “Just asking! So, you dated him.

-That’s what I just told you, yes.

-And since you broke his heart, he’s going to gently give us what we want. Seriously Pans’, I’m not planning for a death trap.

-He’s not going to report us!

-Can you guarantee it?” Theo requested, trying to stay focused on the task.

“Of course I can! I’ll talk to him, and he’ll help us.”

  “Pansy, you’re sleeping?” Blaise whispered in the middle of the night.

“What’s wrong?

-Neville, did you love him?

-Does it matter?

-If you did, yes. I mean, maybe, yes.

-I still love him.

Blaise?” she asked after a few second of silence.

“Yes?

-Is it a problem?

-You love a moron; it’s your problem, not mine.

-Dickhead.” She smiled, turning to her side, hoping to fall asleep despite the fast beating of her heart.

 “Pansy?

-Something to ask about Neville again?

-When did you date him?

-From November to last April.

-How could I never notice?

-We hide it to everyone. We weren’t sure to be understood, even less tolerated. I being Draco’s bestie and he, Harry’s.

-Romeo and Juliet die in the end, you know.

-Who?

-Romeo and Juliet. It’s a muggle theatre piece.

-What?

-Nott and Malfoy.

-Oh. We’re not gonna die. No one is gonna die.

-I hope so.”

 “Blaise?” she called, in turn. “Are you asleep?

-Not anymore. What’s wrong?

-You really don’t mind, about Neville and me?

-I really don’t mind.

-Cool.

-And, Blaise?” she murmured, laying closer to him.

“I really want to sleep Pans.

-I’ve got something to tell you.

-‘M all ears.

-I’m pregnant.

-You’re what?” he asked urgently, suddenly sitting.

“I’m pregnant.” She repeated kindly, sitting up too.

“You’re… you’re pregnant.” He echoed quietly as Pansy slowly put his hand on her belly.

“I am. Neville doesn’t know yet, but even if he doesn’t want the child, I do.

-We’re gonna raise a baby in our shack then.

-Blaise?

-A death eater for godfather. Nott as home teacher; I’ll be the cool uncle. It can work out.” He kept mumbling under his friend amused glaze.

“You’re the pervert uncle. I’ll be the cool one.” Theo corrected, his voice smothered in sleep.

***

Like every Friday night since the start of the school year, Harry was sitting in his dorm with his closest friends, sharing jokes and butterbeers. Ron was the exception, though. Lying on his belly, he was trying to finish his DADA essay due for the day before as Dean doodled encouragement on his drafts. The sooner he would be done, the sooner they’d be able to sneak out of the castle to the Quidditch pitch for a midnight game. The official Gryffindor team has asked him to keep playing as their seeker, but he had politely declined the offer after their first game. He couldn’t fly in the red colours; not anymore; not without his friends flying by his side. The win wasn’t worth the emptiness he felt above the grounds. Still, Harry came to their trainings, cheering and mocking whenever needed. But he missed the adrenaline, diving to the ground and the mesmerizing fly of the Snitch. Until the day Ron suggest a quick match after one of his trainings. Flying around chasing each other, they soon found out it was far more entertaining to wait for the sun to go down. Tonight they’d planned a 3 vs 3, chaser, keeper, seeker; Neville unexpectedly agreeing on playing Chaser, and if Ron hurried up, the odds were on their favour. On the Marauder's Map, Filch and Mrs Norris had begun their tour in the dungeon.

“Will you be done in thirty minutes?” he asked his friend, accustomed to their routine. In thirty minutes, they’d be climbing the Ravenclaw tower, leaving them free to walk out in the corridors.

“How look did it took you to do your essay?

-Hours.

-So how could I be done in thirty minutes? Plus Dean’s drawings are messing up my answers.” He growled as an ink knight piss on his third paragraph, making the room burst from laugher. “Can’t you just snog Seamus for Merlin tits?

-I don’t just snog Seamus.” He countered, holding his ribs. Hermione had add a friend beside the knight, and he was currently handing him some butterbeers, dropping half of their content on the parchments.

“Come on! I’ll never be done with it!

-Then hurry up! Who knows what they’ll do when they got drunk!” Harry guffawed, not so sure that the Quidditch game was still going to be the highlight of his day.

“What? No! Come on, Dean, erase them!

-Do you mean they don’t they deserve a little bit of fun?” he asked, hovering his feather above the parchment, all malice and pride.

“How do you fuck a knight in shining armour?” Seamus suddenly wondered out loud, making Ron turn red at the thought of having drawings shagging on his essay.

“You pervert! Come on Harry, let’s get to the Quidditch pitch.” Ron forfeited, standing up.

“I think I wanna stay there. See how it goes.

-Harry, no…

-Stop playing the virgin, Weasley. We all know you aren’t anymore.” Seamus teased, throwing a pillow at him. “Or maybe it’s disturbing you because they’re two guys?

-Who said the knight was a guy?” Hermione retorted, taking it suddenly more seriously.

“It could be a fucking hippogriff for what I care! I just don’t want it on my essay! Draw porn elsewhere!

-You could draw porn on me.

-Seamus!” they yelled in harmony, watching hilarious their friend taking down his shirt in the unsexyest way ever.

“I’m gonna miss you.” Neville stated, matter-of-factly.

On the bed, Dean let his ink dripped on Seamus’s skin. “What are you on about, mate?” he asked for everyone.

With a quick glance toward a nodding Harry, Neville answered in a breath. “I’m leaving Hogwarts on the 24th.”

“Shut up, please.” Harry ordered politely, cutting his friends’s thousand questions mumbling. “Let him talk.

-Thanks, Harry.”

As the dorm felt silence, Neville started telling them the same story he told Harry a few days before.

The story of a boy who fell in love with a girl he wasn’t supposed to like and how they were now going to have a baby girl, named Alyssa Longbottom.    

  ***

Sitting in the silence of his old bedroom, Neville couldn’t stop rehashing the same thoughts over and over again.

She’d promised him. He hadn’t break her heart, she had no right to fry his brain.

She had no right to break his heart.

But in the darkness of his old bedroom, it seems pretty clear that she didn’t care about it. She’s done both. She switched side. And still, he meant every word he said to her.

 Burying his face in his pillow, he let out a low growl before hitting the mattress with all his strength. He needed the anger. He craved for rage to storm him up. He couldn’t let his heart drove him crazy. He couldn’t; but yet.

He thought he knew her. And then, in a snap of her fingers, everything had turned terribly wrong, leaving him replaying the last months in his head. He had to see what he hadn’t back then, he had to find out the moment she snapped. Cause it had to be somewhere. And he had to find it. Cause if he didn’t… Then the little voices in his head could only be right. It would mean it had all been a lie, a masquerade against the resistance inside the castle. But they had to be wrong. They had to; he couldn’t handle it if his best memories were all faked. The sparks in her eyes, the happiness in her laugh, the warmth of their embrace, could it all has been pretended? Had he only saw his own feeling in her iris? Has he been the only one falling? Could he been the only one shattered now?

 He had survived the Carrow and Voldemort himself. He had postponed death; to this.

 Neville took the pillow and threw it to the window.

He knew it was called a heart break; yet every inch of his body ached.

 ***

“Nev, can we talk? In private.” Seamus added to the bunch of first years circling him. Neville wasn’t as halloed as the sacrosanct Boy Who Lived Twice, but sorting Godric Gryffindor’s sword in the middle of the battlefield was enough to be known and respect by all.

“About last night?

-Yes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” he started, vaguely moving his hands as they both perfectly knew what he meant. When Neville had told them about Pansy and Alyssa, he had simply rose to his feet and left the dorm without a word. Dean had tried to call him back in, in vain. “I shouldn’t have left. It’s just… I don’t understand. I simply don’t understand.” He repeated, slowly, weighting his every word. “Yes, she’s carrying your child, but then? She betrayed us, she betrayed you and then you are, ready to give up your future to her. She betrayed you when it matter the most, Nev. When it matter the most. I’m- I’m just afraid for you. It’s so easy to believe when you love someone; it’s so easy to be fooled. I don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life because she made you think it was the only right thing to do. She doesn’t deserve you, she doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, and she- she just doesn’t deserve your future.

-Are we still talking about me?” he softly asked as Seamus eyes had slowly become red.

“Of course we are! You’re my friend! We’ve been through hell lately, and I know how- how love sometimes- I… Last year, when Dean was gone, when… when the Carrow… I remember how desperate I was for his presence. I just don’t want you to- to commit the biggest mistake of your life because you feel broken inside, okay? It just, I want you to be safe, and happy, with the good girl. And I’m afraid Pansy’s not. She betrayed you once, who can tell she won’t do it again?

-She didn’t betray me, Shay. She followed a stupid plan. She knew no one would grab Harry, she just wanted to be out of the battlefield. She wanted our baby to be somewhere safe.

-Neville… Do you know what it looks like? A fucking rescue pirouette.

-Too pretty to be true, I know. For two weeks I thought she had switch sides. Two weeks during which I’ve been asking myself what capital information I’ve been given her, which lives I took with my stupid trust in her. And then, she was suddenly at my doorstep, begging me to let her in. It was raining, she was freezing, I let her in and she told me everything I wanted. Scalded cat fears cold water, those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends blabla. How could I believed her? But it made sense, you know. It made more sense than her sudden betrayal. I knew within me it was true. And then, when she submitted herself to the Aurors, she took Veritaserum. And she told them the exact same things she told me before. You don’t have to worry about it, about me. I understand, and it means a lot to me, but we’ll be okay. I know I can trust her, and she knows she can trust me, too. Okay, Seamus? I’m not being fooled around.

-If you say so.

-Harry’s gonna meet her, and even if he can be pretty oblivious, he always know when something wicked our way come. Okay?

-Okay.

-Okay.” It somehow felt like a promise as Neville took a step forward and hug his friend tight. They were all going to be okay, he knew it.

  Standing before the chimney in the middle of the Headmistress office, Neville couldn’t help but turn around to look at his friends a last time. It wasn’t a farewell, only a goodbye, but they were red eyed.

Dawn had found them all awake, lying on the floor of their common room as they made promises they hoped none of them would break. The father-to-be didn’t know it yet, but hidden in his luggage were five little presents. Five little reminders than wherever he was, he would still have a home wherever they’ll be.  

[dramazones]

Oh Wow! Im finally here with a headcanon birth chart and analysis for jamie!

i'm on mobile so I cant even put this long ass post under a read more i am so fucking sowwy but anyways a lot of this was inspired from dewmie-in 's meta posts and also i rlly love astrology so pls follow them first of all or else ur a fake fan shhfhgjsjkfkd

☀️ ♓︎ Pisces Sun ♓︎ ☀️

There is no doubt that Jamie is a pisces sun. Some of the well known characteristics of a piscean are being the artistic ones, the ones more in touch with their emotions and the absolute dreamers of the zodiac, I can assure you this as a mercury and moon piscean!

And it’s quite obvious that these traits 100% match up to jamie’s surface character being a big theater nerd, writer, poet, and as an actor, he HAS to understand emotion in all its forms! While being the more compassionate of signs, that also comes with sympathy, and maybe even empathy.

to which he expresses when he tells steven that a good story with a quality protagonist HAS to include said protagonists struggles as well, now this might be a reach but perhaps this was self projecting after his own struggles in kansas, maybe even foreshadowing ooOoOh

(“a real hero must struggle” jamie struggles living in kansas, moves back to beach city, nails his first production and gains management position @ the theater, aka his heroic ending i guess idk, then more theater related accomplishments as mentioned in letters to lars ofc)

☽♎︎ Libra Moon ♎︎☽

One of the biggest desires for any libra placement is balance, And the moon sign being the emotion sign, Libra moons desire an emotional balance as much as they do in their environment. Libra Moons can also be known as a “people person” while typically depending on the study of others to lean their own nature.

Jamie fits the Libra moon description being a sort of people person himself. Though he’s capable of keeping a friendly conversation with just about anyone, There’s also no doubt that this guy has severe anxiety that affects his communication with others along with his emotional stability (even affecting him physically). The thing is that he’s managed to keep the anxiety and his social skills much more balanced the more we see him or i guess as time passes, not one of them overpowering the other. (see venus in scorpio as to why he limits himself socially as much as he would his anxiety)

While he desires emotional balance that also comes with a feeling of frustration and defeat when things are even slightly out of balance (also a symptom of anxiety ; easily irritated/defeated) such as his improv performance in letters to lars, ending his performance within a minute after feeling overwhelmed as it started going south.

So while there are several moments of him maintaining an emotional balance he also has another side of the scale that’s less balanced (astrology word play lmao) such as a general lifestyle balance, also nonexistent for jamie (even though your lifestyle heavily affects your behavior) in a sense that he lacks of a healthy sleep schedule being a mailman AND an actor, one occurring from the early morning to the afternoon and the other job occurring at night. Probably irrelevent but its MY sleepover and Ill add as much necessary info in this birth chart reading as i please.

Im also including buddys book as an example because though it was only jamie being the faceclaim for buddy theres no denying that since historical friction theres at least some parallels between the two characters sharing the same traits (being writers, returning to beach city to prosper in their careers, being absolute drama kings)

♀️♏︎ Scorpio Venus ♏︎♀️

One of the biggest aspects to Jamie’s character INCLUDES being an absolute sucker for romance so lets get this bread and talk abt his relationships w/ everyone and his views on love uwu

Scorpio being a water sign means healing is one of the largest aspects to the sign. Healing nonetheless comes with a relation to trauma being from the planet representing death itself. Life and Death go hand in hand to define each other, ya feel me.

while were on the topic of death lets bring back the parallelism between jamie and buddy thats been around since historical friction. in the play buddy is presumed dead up until william reaches beach city. ok. so hear me out. perhaps that was foreshadowing for jamie’s traumatic near death encounter with topaz and aqua. remember how I said the water element represents healing as well as trauma??? It all kinda ties in yall...

ANYWAYS It’s safe to say that Jamie is a person that’s been through his rock bottom AND trauma already (his death if you will), struggling to live a happy, or even regular (lets face it as far as we know the only thing he came back to beach city with was sunglasses, bitch was broke) life in kansas, the abduction, its not something you can heal from overnight. While he does show symptoms of severe anxiety (to say the very least) even after the abduction he’s also grown closer to working on healing, moving on from his overwhelming fear of rejection by prospering in theater (him coming back to life if u will), and as for anything directly related to the abduction is unknown, but its very likely he’s working on moving on from that on his own as far as we know!!

which brings up the next trait of a scorpion venusian! They prefer to be a mystery in order to protect themselves as a result of fear of getting hurt for trusting/opening up too much. The first time we see jamie since the abduction is during the re-election in dewey wins, where he doesn’t seem affected at all. Yes, Jamie is a pretty open book for the most part (see dewmie-in’s analogy to in/out of the closet in historical friction) however theres also moments where he limits himself, or perhaps another side to himself, a far more passionate side…

Holding back tears during his drama zone and waiting until hes alone to be excited abt delivering his letter in love letters, playing it cool when earning theater director position in historical friction, not to mention his room SHOULD play a very huge role in his secretive side. (see brodingle’s post on jamie’s room, his casual side vs his passionate side)

the venus in scorpio (or any scorpio placement rlly) also remains a secret not truly by choice, but theyre also studying others of interest. being an actor, Jamie should know a thing or two on body language and raw emotion as he sees it.

And finally, The venus is scorpio is a devoted, passionate, and emotionally attached lover. in love letters he falls for someone easily, and even if he learned in the end love at first sight isnt real he is most definitely the type to fall easily based on emotional connection alone! Also, his fear of rejection can easily play into his love life as well. Being in kansas getting constantly rejected and returning back home out of not just defeat but most likely homesickness as well. He missed his stable job. he wants stability, loyalty, commitment! yeah ok thts all i got for now ladies!

♂️♍︎ Virgo Mars ♍︎♂️

Mars being the planet of impulsiveness, energy, initiation and “doing it” being born under the sign of doing it efficiently and orderly gives a handful of traits that completely match up to Jamie and the way he puts out his energy into the world

Jamie has been the type to not just instantly put his energy into something new, but he’s also put his energy into mastering said thing! While Mars is the planet of impusiveness, Virgo is the sign of patience, the Virgo mars is a firm believer of practice makes perfect, and striving for overall perfect, which does in fact get overwhelming for Jamie the perfectionist.

In historical friction, though hesitant, he was not afraid to critique and analyze dewey’s writing skills. And although he was anxious again to go against deweys script and use pearls version instead, he went with pearls because he desperately needed to execute his first play flawlessly. this also occurs again in letters to lars, when his improv performance doesnt go as planned he doesnt just end it from there, in fact, he still has that sense of patience to critique his cast members on stage before getting completely irritated when they dont comply. imo its important to note this duality of patience and impulsiveness because this is an anxiety inducing combination that heavily matches up to Jamies energy.

it’s also important to bring Jamie’s room back in this, because while it was creepy as shit its also FILLED with books, and has really fancy stationery meaning he is in fact a writer. The Mars in Virgo is an attentive to detail oriented person, and being a writer, Jamie not only reads others’ works, he records his own with plenty of detail as seen in his love letter to garnet. Its in his nature by now to have an eye for detail as seen in his room, his costumes, his writing, etc.

Its very likely that his venus and his mars sign do sort of relate in a sense of the way he will present himself. The virgo mars wants a deep connection as the next person but refuses to express that “passionate side” as much as others, preferring to remain casual or present a “cool exterior” which plays into the venus in scorpio’s preference for a secretive side or to remain a mystery.

lets also not forget Jamie’s mime performance in Sadie’s Song. His body language easily read as excited and desperate for perfectionism. Theres no denying he spent time and energy into his act, probably studying mimes and all lol

plus the virgo mars being an attentive to detail type of person, scorpio venus’ silent study on their person of interest and libra moon’s dependance on the study of others to learn how to express emotion when and where and how all tie into each other. Jamie depends on detail before well, doing! he is the type to not just think before acting but hes also gotten quite anxious overthinking as well!

The Taurus Ascendant is a sucker for stability, loyalty, especially to their passions with change being their biggest weakness, very fitting to Jamie. Stability is what made Jamie return to beach city from Kansas because he was not used to such a drastic change in an unstable life, doing the absolute opposite of prospering in his acting career, another big desire for a taurus rising btw, they thrive for success!

They also need a sense of security and any chance at risking that security is a big no-no for the Taurus Ascendant. Jamie’s constant fear of rejection, his anxiety before a production that could make or break his career, he desires a sense of reassurance and security that will assure him that things will not turn out as horribly as his anxiety’s (cough drama zone cough) made it out to be.

⬆️♉︎ Taurus Rising ♉︎⬆️

now, in Reunited, hes completely moved on from garnet at this point. This takes places after the abduction, the only thing that would really be on his mind rn is healing and finding peace again with himself and in his surroundings. while hes handled this healing process alone (as far as we know) hes also learned about what he wants for himself including his love life. seeing garnet extremely happy and married and all makes him defeated for a moment not because “uUuuUUhH shes the one that got away!” its because he truly desires a passionate and devoted relationship as ruby and sapphires! which brings up the next topic!

In relationships, the Taurus Ascendant won't easily break up with someone they gave their heart to. Jamie wants a partner thats going to be as devoted and passionate as himself. He needs that sense of commitment and loyalty from someone and probably wouldn’t handle something as emotionless as one night stands for example! Any taurus placement has the same desires for romance as scorpio placements to be quite honest here, im just sayin as a venus in taurus and scorpio rising lmao.

🌊 Water Dominant 🌊

Ok so the thing is heres the thing. Out of all four astrological elements, Jamie exudes water energy the most, then earth, then fire, and lastly air. He’s not just an emotional person, he’s also an optimistic person, even when he overthinks things, he continuously looks into the future rather than his past so I think its important to note he also has that “psychic” aspect to him as well as having a strong sense of someone else’s emotions as much as his own.

let me also add in dewmie-in’s post where they point out tht jamie does in fact have a literal reocurring theme with water so even if he turns out to like not be a water sun sign in canon (highly doubt there will ever be a canon bday for him lmao the entire point of this post tho) theres no way hes gonna not be associated with water coincidentally. so if u didnt read their post tldr: being a fucking buffoon in the literal rain, throwing letters into the ocean, staring at the ocean on his free time, (aka during working ours, worlds okayest mailman) cries easily, buddy dying in water, jamie nearly being killed as instructed by a gem named aqua, jamie surviving in water after being THROWN off the ship. (i added a few more btw hshfhhdjd)

so yeah thats that on that, theres plenty more planet placements than that in a birth chart but i just felt like doing the usual ones i guess :P