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eccentricallygothic · 9 months ago

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don't we all :')

Till Death Do My Part (Old!Steve Rogers | Ex-Avenger!You)

Summary: Love has the capacity to stand the test of time, hardship and betrayal. Steve Rogers had taught you that first hand.

Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Steve Rogers. This is a rather angsty piece so browse at your own discretion and only if you can deal with the idea of the other woman.

Warning(s): Angst, an emotional rollercoaster, probably morally gray Steve, character death, ramblings of a mad woman (the writer) basically.

Note: I've nothing to say for myself except I don't condone asshole lovers irl.

MAIN MASTERLIST

🖤

love is not love

which alters when it alteration finds,

Steve Rogers was a selfish asshole and you hated him.

You had sworn to yourself to never let the man that sat across the field see your face ever again. Not that he wanted to, anyways. As you had furiously wiped at your tears and turned a deaf ear to Bucky's calls, you had entered your vehicle after promising yourself to never be in the vicinity of Steve Rogers ever again. The painful burn of realization that your love hadn't been enough had burnt hot in your tight chest as you had raced your vehicle away and out of your colleagues' sights for the rest of your life.

At least, that had been the intention at the time.

But as days, weeks and months passed of you hating, cursing, loathing and detesting your former lover, you had come to the humiliating realization that you had indeed loved more between the two of you. And fuck, you had loved hard. Denial did not take long to wear off after that. The light of your days was dark without him and you had never been a romantic before him. Maybe the time you had spent being in love had not been that long. But it was enough to leave you absolutely miserable without some sort of contact with him. You were lucky he was still alive because what were the odds of that?

You did not really know.

But what you did know was time was not on your side.

You told yourself you were not exaggerating or being crazy. After all, the woman he had left you for had initially spent an even briefer period of time with him but had left him so influenced that every time you recalled his gaze before he had left now in hindsight, the strife in the stormy blue of his orbs hit you in the face like a resounding slap.

Maybe you had been selfish as well; way too absorbed in your own fancy and needs to care about the inner battle he fought every day.

But then again, you had not forced yourself on him and he could just have been honest. You knew yourself and respected him as a person well enough to know that you would have still ended up in the same place and dynamic with him as you were currently.

"I am sorry, what was that?" You ignored the pang in your heart as light bounced off his silver wedding band when he went to put down his jalapeno loaded taco with a wince. Damn, it never failed to tug at your heartstrings. "Hm?" You put one hand behind your ear to mock-listen as Steve grunted and grabbed some water. "Ohhh, so that's what old age sounds like!" The man shook his head at your childishness -he had always called it that- as he coughed, placing one hand on his burning chest.

Maybe that was why you had not been enough.

You resisted the urge to shake your head to rid yourself of the thoughts.

But the constant wonder and speculation of why was a matter out of your own control; you simply could not help it.

In every instance, any and all words that were uttered in some sort of a disapproval to one of your quirks or actions, back down you went the agonizing spiral of the countless what ifs.

Maybe if you had been a certain way, the man sitting in front of you would be in his thirties and not…

You blinked, sinking your nails into of your thighs to try and slow down your racing mind.

"Ha-ha" was what he could let out before he descended into a coughing fit. Your teasing smile dissipated into an expression of concern.

"Hey Steve…" You were on your feet in an instant, well aware of the fragility of his body as you speed walked to where he was sitting on the couch from your spot across the coffee table. The serum gave him extra years and more mobility and agility than people his age but not even the original Captain America could rival time. "You okay?" Reaching his heaving form, you placed one gentle hand on his shoulder and rubbed on his back to try for relief with the other one. "Slowly, now" you whispered, biting your lip to calm your own heart as he overcame his fit and slowly sipped on some water. "I am sorry, I shouldn't have challenged you like that, Steve… I should have known better" please, I cannot fathom losing you so don't push yourself for my childish shenanigans if you can't. You bit your tongue. "Sorry" his smile was a gentle assurance to your pout as he placed a worn hand on yours.

So many words necessary to be left unspoken.

"It's okay, sweetie. I enjoyed it" the pet name welled up emotion to the brim and before it could spill in the form of tears you hugged his shoulders and nuzzled your face between them, breathing in his scent and savoring every little bit as the man patted your arm comfortingly. He had noticed you had become very apologetic, so he tried his best to reassure you as much as possible every time.

He was not a fool.

Steve saw through you every time the gears started to turn in your head.

So many silences mandatory to be left unbroken.

You had intended to just check up on him from afar when you had first arrived in Boston a year ago, honest you did. A glimpse would have sufficed your desperation. But when he had paused in front of the town branch of your favorite coffee place on what had seemed to be a grocery trip, your feet had worked on their own. Memories of all the times you two had argued about why it was and was not the best cafe in all of America had flooded you until you were drowning, resolve abandoned.

"Fancy a cup and a cake pop or two?" Steve had visibly jumped before whipping his head to look at you, eyes wide, panicked, guilty, emotional, shocked, shameful. But you had been so full of love and forgiveness in that moment; grateful for having just been able to exist next to him after all that torturous time apart, senses overflowing from his scent and heart at ease at the sight of his face regardless of its jadedness, you had smiled a reassuring smile.

All answering and all concluding.

Steve's confusion had morphed into a small smile but not entirely faded away as he had nodded. Only when it finally did, guilt was replaced by it because he realized just how devoted and in love you really were. Miserable. And it was not long before he had found himself grabbing back at you; his only sense of familiarity left in the world.

For now he was not a man out of his time, but one that was past it.

And though he had initially tried, who was he to turn away such a beautiful bond as the one you two grew to share this time around?

He was past forgiveness and redemption anyways.

Though Steve had made every nick, every prick, every tug and every rip both worth it all and worse at the same time in his final moments a decade and a half later.

You were standing next to the bed the hospital had installed in his house a year ago, hand tightly clasped over his that rested against your cheek. The coolness of his wedding band was as noticeable as ever but not at all irritable against your cheek anymore. Your tongue ached as you clenched your jaw and ground your teeth together to fight back the tears, every little beep of the heart monitor resonating with the erratic pounds of your heart.

"I…" You nodded as you edged closer towards him to listen to his constrained and husky voice. There was not a doubt these were his final moments. You could swear the room was getting brighter, or maybe your body was readying itself to go into shock and unconsciousness. You were not sure. You did not care. All you wanted to do at this moment was to cling. Hold and never let go. Refuse time its harvest, snatch the reaper of his meal. Hoard, clutch, hide. "Should have… never stayed b- behind." Your heart stilled at his words. "'M sorry, Y/n…" Steve gasped for air. Oh, no. "... Never s–" his tongue slipped and your heart jumped. "S- Stopped loving you… deep down" as a barrage of tears burnt its way out and past your cheeks like a broken dam, the beeps of the monitor melted into that horrible alarm you had dreaded so much for this whole year. Though your wails drowned the sound out with much ease as you collapsed on your knees and sobbed into the hand of your deceased love who was turning colder with the passing second, the warmth of his body now an eternal stranger to yours.

After you nothing goes and nothing returns.

Just like that, he had reached out and ripped down years worth of compromise just like that.

All the times he had encouraged you to go out with the men who would ask you out, reassuring you that nothing could change your bond with him and you deserved to be happy too. That it was okay. Your life didn't have to stop just because he had lived his. The impossibility and sheer ridiculousness of wasting your entire life for a companion who had nothing to offer you except for friendship.

Only for this.

To leave you just as confused, hurt, betrayed, helpless and fragile as that girl in that field all those years ago.

He never did have enough faith in you. For just how he had never talked to you about the woman he eventually chose over you and stayed back in time for, Steve had confirmed that by holding back this. All this time. You knew it just as well as you knew he was the love of your life, it would not have changed a single thing. The possibility was not unlikely that this one confession could have eased your constant struggle with yourself all these years.

Steve Rogers was a selfish asshole and you hated him.

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom:

🖤

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