#once i started i couldn’t stop it’s like every single lyric fit them perfectly

[kayascodelorio]

happy birthday @userlaylivia ♡

[duuhrayliegh]

europe - request

pairing: sebastian stan x singer!reader (seb!pov)

summary: singer!reader writes another song, this one is about seb

warnings: suggestive content (*wink wonk*), language, the works ya know

a/n: this took so long bc im not lyrically inclined and there isn’t even that many lyrics in here. i can’t even guys this was a nice break though. i liked the concept, i hope i lived up to your dreams. :)

p.s.: my requests and tag lists are both open loves!

check out my other writing on my full m.list

Sebastian was doing a press interview for his new movie. It was his first on television interview. First time being back in the studio for The Late Late Show with James Corden. First time since you and him had gotten together. He was eager to see what James had in store for him.

He was wearing a bright yellow shirt paired with a red leather jacket. His legs were clad with a different pair that he wanted to wear originally because you couldn’t get quite enough of his thighs. Had he worn the other pair, there would’ve been a prominent wet spot on one leg where you rode him to your own satisfaction. The memory made him bite his lip and adjust his pants to try to quell his oncoming boner.

“Good luck out there tonight, lovey. You’re gonna crush it.” Your voicemail warmed Sebastian’s heart. He missed you a lot, but you were currently on your own press junket. Your new album finally came out and your manager had been running you ragged. Sebastian was so proud of everything you’ve accomplished, and he wasn’t afraid to show it.

“Hi, Mr. Stan. You’re needed on deck in five minutes.” He nodded at the assistant producer who stuck her head in his dressing room. Sebastian ran his hands through his hair one more time before deciding enough was enough.

“Well, this is as good as it's gonna get.” He murmured to himself as he walked out of the dressing room. He rolled his shoulders, snuggling into the leather jacket encasing his back. Sebastian took a swig of a water bottle from the table backstage. He still got nervous when doing interviews, always worried that he’s going to say the wrong thing.

“And now I would like to introduce our next guest. You’ve seen him as Bucky Barnes in the Marvel Cinematic Universe for the last ten years. He’s played the borderline psychotic Jeff Gillooly in I, Tonya, and the corrupt Sheriff Bodecker from The Devil All The Time. It is my pleasure to introduce the one, the only, Sebastian Stan!”

James stood, clapping as Sebastian made his way to the main set area. He raised his right hand, his left remaining on his stomach. As he approached James, Sebastian switched hands, his left coming up as an offer for James to shake. Afterwards, James held his hand out to the chair beside his desk, waiting for Sebastian to sit down.

“Hi, Sebastian! It’s so good to have you back.” James’ accent broke Sebastian’s name up into three distinct syllables, bringing a smile to Seb’s face.

“It’s good to be back, man.” He grinned big, waiting for James to ask the first question. Once they got into it, the interview went smoothly. Sebastian was able to avoid giving out spoilers for his new project, leaving just enough to the imagination. James was in a fit of laughter after Sebastian had told a crazy story from being on set. James wiped tears away from his lower lashline, calming down just enough to catch his breath.

“Okay, so I want to move onto something else.” Sebastian sobered up quickly, unsure of where James was taking the conversation. “We want all the juicy details about your relationship with Y/N.” Sebastian’s brow raised as he pulled a face at James’ question. He laughed to himself for a minute before answering.

“Ya know, we really have you to thank for that.” Sebastian pointed at James, before bringing that same finger to rub his eye.

“Really?” The man’s voice pitched up, brows hitting his hairline.

“Oh yeah. We were only introduced because of your show.” Sebastian leaned back in his chair, remembering that night with you. The two of you had gone out for drinks, talking for hours at the bar and then even longer in his hotel room. He remembered waking up with you wrapped up in his arms. You didn’t have sex that night, but you definitely did the second night.

And oh god, if  that second night wasn’t just as amazing as the first. The face you made whenever you climaxed danced it’s way to the forefront of Sebastian’s mind. Not good, definitely not good. He had to readjust himself in his pants again, crossing his legs to cover up his rather large problem.

“Yeah, we started dating that same week. Kept it quiet though.” Sebastian held his palm out in the air, bouncing it up and down.

“Right, right. And do you want to tell everyone how you did end up revealing that you and Y/N were an item?” Sebastian looked down at his lap, smirking to himself. “Or should we just play the clip?”

A clip played for the studio audience. It was Y/N doing her makeup for the Vogue Beauty Secrets Youtube video. Sebastian waltzed in the background of the shot. It then cuts to Sebastian kissing Y/N on the cheek, brandishing the hickey’s that she had sucked onto his cheek the night before. Mhm, I remember that night too.

Sebastian had surprised Y/N by coming to see her. He wasn’t doing anything and he missed you, so why waste a perfectly good opportunity. He spent the night there completely ravishing you until you begged him to stop. That night he proudly wore your thighs as earmuffs, burying his face in you. He really needed to stop reminiscing during an interview.

“How adorable. Was that planned at all? Or did you just do that because you could?” Sebastian shook his head, his right hand scratching at the stubble decorating his jaw.

“Oh, no. It definitely wasn’t planned. I honestly don’t remember if I knew Y/N was filming that morning, so I’m just glad I put on pants before I left the bedroom.” James laughed at Sebastian’s comment.

“Okay, so I’ve gotta ask your opinion on something though.” Sebastian made a hum of acknowledgement, signalling for James to continue. James leaned back, pulling out a cardstock of your new album. “So, this is Y/N’s new album, it just came out about three or four weeks ago?” The crowd clapped for you, and Sebastian cheered along with them.

“What do ya want my opinion on? If it’s the album, then I gotta tell ya, I loved it. Every single song on there is absolutely amazing.” James nodded, a smirk forming on his lips making Sebastian think he made a mistake.

“So you’re aware of the song Europe?” Sebastian smirked, nodding his head because he knew where this was going. “Would you like to tell us what that’s about?” James laughed as Sebastian stammered, looking for the right words. “I mean, let’s just read some of the lyrics.” James looked at the cards in his hands as Sebastian drifted into his thoughts again.

You had brought him into the studio before finalizing Europe. He remembers watching you twist your hands at your waist and continuously cracking your knuckles. Sebastian was curious because you hadn’t ever been like that when showing him a song before. Every question he had about your anxiety revolving around the song was thrown away when he heard it.

Europe was an ode to Sebastian, all of Sebastian. He couldn’t help pulling you down onto his lap by your waist as he listened. You were the only two in the studio, so the two of you were free to do whatever you wanted. The funny thing about that night was that there was a new track recording.

“Oh shit, Seb.” The dam broke afterwards, peels of laughter leaving your lips without explanation. Your right hand raised to your mouth, attempting (and failing) to quiet your giggles.

“Babe, why the ‘oh shit’?” You held up a finger to your lips, telling him to be quiet and listen. He strained his ears, waiting for his own ‘oh shit’ moment. Then, his own voice filtered into his ears, making him crease his brow in confusion. “What is that?”

“That’s the audio from when I first played you Europe.” Small giggles passed your lips again. “I was going to ask you if I could use, like, a sound byte from it for either the beginning or the end of the song.” Sebastian nodded, slightly amazed that you were so creative with your work. “But, I forgot to turn off the recording.” Sebastian’s eyes locked on your expression, waiting for him to connect the dots. He pulled a face and then,

“Oh shit.” His eyes widened, a huff of laughter escaping. “Wait, so it caught all of it?” Your lips rolled inwards, holding back laughs as you nodded your head. Sebastian raised a brow, his eyes flicking over your face. “Use it.” He had a few new hickeys after that night too, but not after decorating your body with a few of his own.

“Sebastian, I would like you to read a few lines from the song, please.” James handed Sebastian a card, a snort leaving Sebastian’s body involuntarily. He glanced at the cards, know the lyrics by heart already. He took a big breath, reading the lines that James chose. He threw him a look with his eyes, head tilting slightly toward the British man.

“Uh, okay, here we go.” Sebastian laughed to himself, blowing out a breath through clenched lips. He lifted the card again, “You know,” dropping his hand back to his lap while raising his other hand. “You know, she’s gonna make fun of me for this right?” James laughed, looking into the camera as if he was on The Office, then to the audience with a duh look on his face.

“Sebastian. We’re going to make fun of you.” The crowd didn’t hesitate to join in James’ amusement. Sebastian dropped his head into his hands, groaning loudly. “Do you need a little encouragement?” The audience began cheering and clapping for Sebastian.

“Fine, alright, alright.” He shook his head before starting. “Long nights with hickeys earned like a badge of honor. Teasing kisses, twisted sheets, all signs of true seduction.” Sebastian looked up from his hands, expecting James to say something. All James offered, though, was a wave of his hand for Sebastian to continue. “I never have to worry because all my sins are forgiven when I’m with you.” James held his hand up, stopping Sebastian from continuing.

“Okay, let’s dissect that, Mr. Stan.” James propped his elbow on his interview desk, placing his head at an angle in his palm. “What is this song about?” Sebastian’s lips curled inward, stopping himself from laughter.

“James,” Sebastian leaned forward against the arm of the couch. “I thought this was a family show.” The British man quirked a brow, sweeping both hands in front of his body gesturing to the studio.

“This is the Late Late Show, Sebastian.” He turned back to the audience, addressing them and the cameras. “And that is all the time we have tonight! Thank you to Sebastian for coming on the show with me tonight! And thank all of you for tuning in tonight. We’ll see you next time.” The producer beside the camera signaled that the show ended and Sebastian turned back to James.

“It’s a good song.” Sebastian smiled wide afterwards, saying his goodbyes to the crew. He was back in the safety of his dressing room when his phone started ringing.

“Hello?” He knew that it was you from the personally assigned ringtone you picked out when he wasn’t looking.

“The Internet is going to eat you alive.” Sebastian grinned as your peels of laughter trickled in through the speaker of his phone.

“Oh yeah, could you imagine if I told them that it wasn’t just random sounds at the end?” He could just imagine your smirk at his mention of your little addition to Europe.

“We’re gonna have to do that again.” Sebastian paused, waiting for you to explain. “Although I think next time we should do a visual along with the audio. You pickin’ up what I’m putting down Stan?” Sebastian smirked to himself, thinking about being able to watch himself bring you to the brink over and over again, even when you’re not together. His pants got tighter at the idea.

“I think we might have to look into that, Y/L/N.”

[tillidontneedfantasy]

A Track-by-Track Breakdown of Taylor Swift’s 9th Studio Album: ‘evermore’

“My collaborators and I are proud to announce that my 9th studio album and folklore’s sister record is here. It’s called evermore,” is how Taylor Swift introduces us to this album in its foreword. One might assume a “sister record” would entail b-sides, or tracks that didn’t quite make the cut for folklore, despite Taylor’s explanation that “we just couldn’t stop writing songs.” evermore’s release came at a strange time, upon the heels of the Folklore: Long Pond Studio Sessions film on Disney+, as well as 5 Grammy nominations for folklore. The world still captivated by folklore, it’s understandable why one might not consume evermore as critically. Even as a die-hard fan, I felt some whiplash by this announcement; I am still processing folklore! Hell, I’m still processing reputation!

If this was the Taylor from two years ago, this may have been a big enough fear of hers to hold off on releasing evermore. But as she explained upon folklore’s surprise release, life is too unpredictable now, and there are zero givens or guarantees. So she followed the same path this time (although making sure it fell in line with her birthday weekend). But it’s not just the strategic timing of the release that she’s thrown out the window for now, but also her mindset whilst making records. As she explains in the evermore album foreword,

“I’ve never done this before. In the past I’ve always treated albums as one-off eras and moved onto planning the next one as soon as an album was released. There was something different with folklore. In making it, I felt less like I was departing and more like I was returning. I loved the escapism I found in these imaginary/not imaginary tales. I loved the ways you welcomed the dreamscapes and tragedies and epic tales of love lost and found. So I just kept writing them.”

This is a revelation for Swift, to let the music lead her into artistic freedom, which is what makes evermore such a triumphant return. Truly folklore’s sister record, Taylor wrote evermore with the same creative team: Aaron Dessner of The National (Swift’s favorite band), long-time pal and collaborator Jack Antonoff, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, and William Bowery aka Swift’s boyfriend, Joe Alwyn (as officially revealed in the Long Pond Studio Sessions). Additionally, former 1989 tour openers and close friends of Taylor, the HAIM sisters, join the crew, along with Marcus Mumford for some dreamy backup vocals.

The production is just as wistful and mesmerizing as it was on folklore, yet the storytelling on evermore is kicked up a notch, expanding on the topics and worldbuilding established in its sister record, with even sharper lyrics and an effective and elaborate use of alliteration. The best thing about Taylor is that no matter what she does, her masterful lyricism is always at the heart of her art, and somehow, she keeps getting better. Once again, I wanted to explore the rich stories she’s crafted in this woodsy universe. This is how I’ve interpreted the album, but I hope you find your own meaning in the songs as well.

1. willow It is fitting that the opening track to folklore’s sister album, where we wade further into the forest that is Taylor Swift’s imagination and storytelling, would center on the type of tree that is a symbol of hope, belonging, safety, stability, and healing. “willow,” one of the few more obviously autobiographical tracks on the album, is a hymn of gratitude for her man (as she wants you to know, yes, thirteen times), Joe Alwyn, and how the invisible string tethering them together pulled her to him in a time when everyone else was counting her out. Though not as present on many of the other songs later to come on this record, you can feel the lightness in her heart on this song as she embraces the way in which the willow has bent, wrecking her plans, throwing her into the water and leaving her happily lost and afloat in his current. The downward key modulation throughout the last two repetitions of the chorus is beautiful and very fitting for Swift vocally, but also sounds like the feeling of finding your comfort and settling into it, basking it in while you wait for the next place the wind pulls you. Best lyric: “Now this is an open/shut case / I guess I should’ve known from the look on your face / Every bait and switch was a work of art.”

2. champagne problems On the second track of the album, Taylor dives back into the fictional worldbuilding she began to explore on folklore. While on folklore high school relationships and dramatics took center-stage, evermore graduates from adolescence to young adulthood, not that it is any easier emotionally on the listener’s heart. “champagne problems” chronicles a rejected marriage proposal between two college sweethearts at their old dorm building. Taylor sings as the narrator, a reflective, self-deprecating young woman who jokes about belonging in a madhouse and dismisses all her turmoil as champagne problems. The term ‘champagne problems’ itself could have various meanings here: their trivial concerns, the fact that their “sister splashed out on the bottle” of champagne that they will not be using to celebrate as they had hoped, or perhaps it could even hint that excessive drinking is a piece of all the ways the narrator is “fucked in the head,” as they said. Although the person she is singing to is the one who got hurt in the story, the hurt in the narrator’s heart is just as palpable and relatable, because you only have yourself to blame when you self-destruct. Best lyric: “’She would’ve made such a lovely bride, / what a shame she’s fucked in the head,’ they said / but you’ll find the real thing instead / she’ll patch up your tapestry that I shred.”

3. gold rush On her YouTube live chat prior to the album’s release, Taylor explained that this song “takes place inside a single daydream where you get lost in thought for a minute and then snap out of it.” The daydream consists of a love story so pure that the town had never seen such a thing; it could only happen in a fantasy for the narrator. How could she possibly have the gall to call them out on their contrarian shit, or end up with her Eagles t-shirt hanging from their door, when they are so coveted by all, and when she cannot withstand the thought of even competing? She sings, “My mind turns your life into folklore / I can’t dare to dream about you anymore,” a sweet little connecting piece to this album’s older sister, effectively convincing herself out of the idea of jumping into the chaos of the gold rush because even inside her own imagination it’s too dangerous. Best lyric: “I don’t like that falling feels like flying ‘till the bone crush.”

4. ‘tis the damn season According to Aaron Dessner, Taylor had written the lyrics for “’tis the damn season” in the middle of the night amidst their Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions recording after a long night of chatting and drinking with their co-conspirator, Jack Antonoff. The lyrics perfectly encapsulate the guttural ache the track evokes. It is a tale of two people who always find their way back to one another in their hometown, which acts as the ever-returning fork in the road. The path taken, back to L.A. in pursuit of her dreams, is the one she chose and continues to choose, but whenever she returns home, she takes a ride down the road not taken, just to get a taste of what could have been, even if just for the weekend. What starts off as an icy homecoming always transforms into the warmest intimacy. The success of this track is aligned with the success of Taylor’s entire career; even with such specific details, it feels so deeply personal to the listener. You know the street you’d drive along late at night laughing, the spot you’d park the car, the person who stars in every what-if. You will never really know if the road not taken is as good as it seems, but that might be ok; sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality, anyway. Best lyric: “It’s the kind of cold / fogs up windshield glass, but I felt it when I passed you / There’s an ache in you / put there by the ache in me.”

5. tolerate it Inspired by the novel Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier, “tolerate it” is an agonizing track from the perspective of a devoted wife who polishes plates and paints portraits and waits by the door for her husband with a battle hero’s welcome, who at best tolerates all her adoration. There are few things as painful as idolization being met with indifference, when you have all this love to give to someone who just leaves it there untouched. “tolerate it” captures that desperation for the approval you know will never arrive, but you sit and watch, waiting for it just in case you’re wrong, but you know you’re not. Best lyric: “I made you my temple, my mural, my sky / now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the byline”

6. no body, no crime feat. HAIM “no body, no crime,” the one evermore song solo-written by Taylor, has the clearest plot from beginning to end. In the same vein as the female powerhouse country classic “Goodbye Earl” by The Chicks, Taylor is out for blood to avenge her friend, Este (named for one of the HAIM sisters). The story goes as such: Este’s husband kills her for calling him out on his infidelity, and then Taylor kills the husband and frames his mistress. The HAIM girls, who are long-time friends of Taylor’s and former touring mates, lend their vocals to reinforce the accusation on the husband and to provide Taylor’s alibi. “no body, no crime” is so far the closest we’ve gotten to a return to “country Taylor,” proving that she is still the master of a killer country tune (yes, pun intended, it had to be done I’m sorry). Best lyric: “Good thing Este’s sister’s gonna swear she was with me / (she was with me, dude) / Good thing his mistress took out a big life insurance policy”

7. happiness Written a week before the album’s release, “happiness” is one of Swift’s strongest and most reflective breakup songs. Although she writes it as though it is recent, there’s a lot of power in knowing that she’s been happily in love for four years, and that she is even better now at doing the thing that has always been best at. She is finally “above the trees,” as she sings, and is able to see it all for what it is, but her character is still in the heat of it all, trying to navigate the stages of grief when a relationship ends. We see the narrator grapple with many of those stages throughout the song. Most striking is the anger displayed in the second verse when she sings: “I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you / No, I didn’t mean that, / sorry, I can’t see facts through all of my fury.” That section is jarring and feels like one of the most honest moments in a Taylor song, the insanely difficult emotional balancing act when we are grieving a relationship. The devastation of loss can distort our perception, and a part of that is the difficulty of understanding how multiple seemingly opposing things can co-exist in our hearts, such as happiness because of someone and happiness after them. But when you leave it all behind and finally find your place above the trees, you can find happiness after someone and also look back and appreciate the happiness they once provided. Both of these things can be true. Best lyric: “Showed you all of my hiding spots / I was dancing when the music stopped.”

8. dorothea Taylor Swift has the uncanny ability to create such developed and well-rounded characters with such little information, which is what makes her storytelling so compelling. In “dorothea,” we learn much about the title character through the narrator’s eyes, and the relationship they once had. The lyric “skipping the prom just to piss off your mom and her pageant schemes” alone tells an entire story in itself. “dorothea” is also the companion song to “’tis the damn season,” just from the other person’s perspective, which helps shine even more light on the story. The narrator of “dorothea” reveres her but wonders if she’s still the same soul in L.A. as she was back in their never-changing town. Whatever the answer, they’re still willing to support her no matter where she is, but she’s always welcome back in Tupelo by her hometown love’s side if she ever just wants to be herself rather than someone known for who they know. Besides, they’re the only soul who can tell which smiles she’s faking. And you can always return to the road not taken. Best lyric: “They all wanna be ya / but are you still the same soul I met under the bleachers? / Well, I guess I’ll never know / and you’ll go on with the show.”

9. coney island feat. The National What really started the folklore / evermore journey was Taylor’s love for The National. Taylor has cited them as one of her favorite bands for many years, and as we know, this led to her beautiful new collaborative relationship with Aaron Dessner. So it would make sense for the track written with the intention of this duet to be so well executed; you can feel the love and care Taylor put into writing this song. In her press for these sister albums, she has spoken about trying to channel frontman Matt Berninger’s writing style. But what actually happened was she just produced her own signature lyricism at its sharpest. “We were like the mall before the internet, it was the one place to be / the mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams / sorry for not winning you an arcade ring over and over,” is a hall of famer Swift-ian lyric. “coney island” explores the confusion, hurt, and self-reflection when a passionate affair burns out fast because you did not prioritize that person. And to top it off, Swift and Berninger’s harmonies are achingly beautiful, transporting you right there in the story, on the bench, wondering, over and over. Best lyric: “Do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? / Will you forgive my soul when you’re too wise to trust me and too old to care?”

10. ivy Leave it to Taylor Swift to make a song about an affair sound so romantic, and so sympathetic to the narrator, that you’re rooting for adultery. “ivy” tells the tale of a woman in a lifeless marriage, likening her home with him to the tombstone that the widow in town visits each day. I like to think this is the same wife whose husband was out there building other worlds without her in “tolerate it,” because then that means she found someone who celebrates her love, who holds her pain for her, who blooms all over her; they started it, but she’s fighting for it all the way to the end, nonetheless. “ivy” showcases Swift’s gorgeous vocals and her sharp lyrics, with a melody so infectious it is bound to permanently plant its roots in your dreamland. Best lyric: “Oh, I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland / my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.”

11. cowboy like me With the beautifully blended backing vocals of Marcus Mumford, “cowboy like me” is an entrancing love story of two con artists who lost at their own game and got conned into forever with each other. She’d gone from swindling old men for their money and fancy cars to falling victim to the danger of dancing with someone who only has eyes full of stars, and she knows she’ll pay for it. “cowboy like me” is one of the most romantic tracks on the record, proving that life never plays out quite as we plan. Best lyric: “Now you hang from my lips like the gardens of Babylon / with your boots beneath my bed / Forever is the sweetest con.”

12. long story short One of the more pop-sounding tracks on evermore, “long story short” is pretty much a summary of the long story behind reputation (2017). The song is filled with various metaphors for her reputation crumbling around her, and then finally putting her defenses down to be with her lover, someone as “rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky.” It is a sweet ode to her boyfriend, and a gentle comfort to her past self that it will all work out. But it is also an oddly relatable example of how we shrug off our struggles and minimize them to just a “bad time,” when the time she is singing about was obviously something that deeply affected her (as will be further explored in the title track); but sometimes it actually feels good to just shrug it off as just a blip in your life, because at the end of the day, you survived, and that’s what counts- even if you’re not keeping score anymore. Best lyric: “Pushed from the precipice / clung to the nearest lips / long story short, it was the wrong guy. / Now I’m all about you.”

13. marjorie Whereas track 13 on folklore was a tribute to Swift’s paternal grandfather, evermore’s track 13 is a tribute to her maternal grandmother, Marjorie Finlay, who was an opera singer in the 50s, and passed away in 2003 when Taylor was 13 years old. “marjorie” is quite possibly the most touching track Taylor has ever written thus far in her career. Grief is one of the most difficult topics to tackle in a song; the genius of “marjorie” is that it is simple, yet not understated. Swift reflects on the profound lessons she learned from her grandmother, about the difficult balances of kindness and cleverness, and politeness and power. She curses herself for not cherishing the moments she had with her, for complaining rather than understanding in the moment how admirable her spirit was, for all the amber skies she’d love but will never see. The chorus, blunt and hard-hitting, reminds us that someone does not have to be living to be alive, to be all around, to be with us. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were singing to me now,” Taylor sings towards the end of the song, right before you hear a sample of Finlay’s opera singing in the background, a truly eye-swelling moment. It is clear that Finlay played a pivotal role in Swift’s own ambitions, as she sings, “all your closets of backlogged dreams, and how you left them all to me.” Marjorie knew she was leaving them in good hands. If you haven’t yet, check out the moving lyric video for the song, where you can see photos and video clips of Marjorie, both throughout her career and in her time with Taylor. Best lyric: “Never be so polite you forget your power, / never wield such power you forget to be polite.”

14. closure On the most experimental track musically on the record, Taylor writes off her need for closure from a relationship of some sort, whether it be romantic or platonic or business, all of which can cause hurt of equal intensity. The subject of the song is trying to make nice with Taylor, and she is just not having it, as it is not coming from a genuine place, but rather to ensure that their life remains picture perfect, or to clear their guilty conscience, or to preserve their own ego. This is a deeply relatable sentiment; as valuable as forgiveness can be, sometimes the person who hurt you just doesn’t deserve it, and all you can do is forgive yourself for blocking their number or shredding their letters. Best lyric: “I know I’m just a wrinkle in your new life / staying friends would iron it out so nice.”

15. evermore feat. Bon Iver To close out the standard edition of the album, Taylor joins forces once again with Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, with whom she collaborated on the Grammy-nominated duet, “exile” for folklore. However, Swift leads most of the track this time, lamenting the difficult time she went through in 2016. The piano and Swift’s vocals are haunting, particularly when she describes this time in her life as “catching my death,” consumed by a pain that she feels will never end. If you’ve ever been depressed, you know what that feels like, and the dark places it leads you. Although she is singing about a time four years prior, it sounds so present, and it is heartbreaking to hear her in such a state. When Bon Iver comes in, the tempo of the song picks up, the piano riff becomes more erratic, like a winter storm hitting you in the face, and he voices all the anxieties of the cost of such a downfall. But through those anxieties, Taylor finds not a cure, but an anchor in love, and then the tempo slows back down. By the end of the song, Taylor has the foresight to understand that although it may not feel like it now, the pain she is experiencing is not permanent (a sentiment my therapist has been trying to instill in me for years). In her Apple Music interview with Zane Lowe, Taylor explained how the lyrics parallel the times we are in currently, and so it feels really special to have the album end with someone who knows how it feels to be imprisoned by your pain gently comfort us with the wisdom that “this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.” I hope one day soon, as we leave 2020 far behind, we can all truly believe her. Best lyric: “I was catching my breath / barefoot in the wildest winter catching my death.”

16. right where you left me (bonus track) The first bonus track on evermore, “right where you left me,” captures a moment so earth-crushing, a piece of you is trapped in it forever. In this song specifically, the narrator finds herself stuck in the same corner of a restaurant where she was told by someone she loved that they had met someone else. “Glass shattered on the white cloth, everybody moved on,” she sings in mourning. We have all experienced those moments that we could teleport back to if we just closed our eyes; the scenery, what you wore, the smell and taste of the season, the very point in your body where it felt like your insides were collapsing. Or that one particular person, who is long-gone from your life but seeing them is like time-travelling back to that person you once were, ready to pick up where you left off. But as much as you want to stay in that moment forever, just in case it changes in your favor, the cold reality is that the world stops for no one. Best lyric: “If our love died young, I can’t bear witness / And it’s been so long, but if you ever think you got it wrong / I’m right where you left me.”

17. it’s time to go (bonus track) “right where you left me” was Taylor’s cry for help to get out of restaurant, and “it’s time to go” is the answer to the call, as she sings in the first line, “when the dinner gets cold, and the chatter gets old / you ask for the tab.” This song is about gathering the strength to leave situations and relationships behind that no longer serve you. She grieves the betrayal of someone she thought to be a twin from her dreams (almost definitely referring to former friend, Karlie Kloss), acknowledges that keeping a marriage together for the sake of the kids often actually has the opposite intended effect (possibly- but not certainly- something she and her brother experienced), and recounts attempting to bargain with someone consumed by greed, only able to leave with herself (absolutely referring to the end of her fifteen-year long business relationship with Scott Borchetta, her former record-label owner). But as painful as leaving all of those situations was, Taylor has gained the wisdom to understand that walking away sometimes takes as much strength as persevering. You can’t stay at the restaurant, or at the mercy of someone else forever; you have to forge your own path, even if it’s in the opposite direction of what you envisioned for so long. And even with all her past success behind her, as folklore and evermore have proved, there is so much more ahead of her. Best lyric: “That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul / You know when it’s time to go.”

In a time where we are all trapped in our homes and in our heads, the folklore/evermore experience has been the sweetest escape. If anything, the creation of these wonderful sister records has taught me that our most powerful tool in times of distress is our own imagination. Even just the ability to close my eyes while listening to one of these tracks and feel the character’s story is a gift. The way I’ve always been able to pick up Harry Potter and escape to Hogwarts when I’ve felt alone and friendless, I can listen to folklore and evermore when I feel scared or hopeless and escape into this enchanted forest Taylor has built, where I can climb above the trees and see it all for what it is. I feel so lucky to watch Taylor’s imaginative world unravel around me. I can’t wait to see what she creates next.

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: I would literally die for this bitch.  

[groovyzombiellama]

Was It Necessary?

Title: Was It Necessary?

Requested? Yes.

Plot: You are a famous singer and dating MGK, and after making a song with G-Easy and having a scene in the video where you wear lingerie, Colson gets a bit jealous, but you think it’s cute.

Word count: 942

---***---

“Was it absolutely necessary to be wearing next to nothing and letting him touch your body like that?“ The words leaving Colson’s mouth were amusing you, and you tried your best to hide the smile that was trying to curve your lips, and you just sat at the edge of the bed, biting your lips, to stop a laugh from escaping, as he was pacing back and forth in front of you, his phone in his hands, a video starring you and G-Easy playing on the screen. To understand how you got in this situation, we might have to look back a few months. You and Colson have been dating for three years now and being a singer yourself was how you met, at an award show, after bumping into each other backstage. You always joked around that it was the most cliche way to meet, but if you had a chance to relive that moment all over again, you wouldn’t have it happen any other way. And both you and Colson always supported each other in every single one of your successes, always so proud of each other. But a few months ago, you got an offer from G-Easy and his producer to do a song with him, to which you agreed, being a big fan of G-Easy’s music. And so the two of you began the process of composing and coming up with the lyrics.

And once all of that was settled, and the song was recorded, it was time to shoot the music video. That’s where all of Colson’s frustration was coming from. The concept for the video was that you and G-Easy were a couple and you filmed on a few locations, just hanging out and acting like a couple, but there was this scene that you filmed at night, which featured you in pretty revealing lingerie, and Gerald sporting only a pair of boxers. And the scene was meant to be pretty heated, but according to Colson’s reaction, it was even too heated. During your three year relationship with Colson, you have never gotten into major fights, only a small argument here and there, but you would quickly resolve it. This time it was not even an argument, because you thought he looked so cute, not knowing what to do with his jealousy other than repeat the video over and over again, every time finding another thing that was way too much for him and should have been edited out of the video.

Either you are showing too much skin, which was the case, but not as much as your boyfriend saw. Or it was the way Gerald’s hands were placed around your waist, or he touched somewhere he wasn’t allowed to, or went dangerously close to the areas of your body only reserved for Colson, etc, you get the idea. By the time he made his 100th lap back and forth in front of you, you started getting rather dizzy, so you stood up, and stood in front of him, placing your hands on his chest, in an attempt to stop him.

“You know, I never told you this, but I think you’re cute when you’re jealous. But you are also very hot, getting all mad like that.“

You say, tracing your hands down his chest, then brushing your fingers over his abdomen. Colson figured out you were teasing him rather quickly and wasn’t very amused, grabbing your wrists gently and removing them from his body, making you roll your neck and click your tongue, still amused by your boyfriend’s behavior. He made another round walking around the room, before you snatched his phone from his hands and tossing it on the bed.

“Hey! First you film a video like that, and now you take my phone away from me and throw it god knows where. I wasn’t done watching the video!“

You roll your eyes and inform Colson that he has indeed watched the video, way too many times really, that if it wasn’t your song, you would have already learned the lyrics, especially the bridge, which is associated with the steamy scene in the music video. You took his hands in yours and lead him over to sit down on the bed with you and you first caress his cheek and plant a gentle kiss on his lips, feeling how heated he was from his jealous outburst. He was practically fuming, but you knew he was aware of how much you love him and that he was the only one for you. Even though, you needed to let him know, a little reassurance never killed nobody. You told him everything that was on your heart, making up for not being so vocal with your affection every single day. You told him how he was the only man for you, how you couldn’t imagine your life without him, and how no amount of music video shoots you do is going to change that.

“Don’t forget that at the end of the day, you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.“

A warm smile graced Colson’s features at your words, and since it wasn’t that often that you had to go on these long speeches about your feelings, he couldn’t just ignore it, and it did make him feel a lot better, and you smiled widely seeing his arms spread out, inviting you to dive into a hug. You knew the scene would still linger in his mind, but at least he got the reasurement he needed to overcome his jealousy.

“And you don’t forget that you are only mine...”

---***--- Here’s me coming back again after a while. I don’t know why I always do this to myself...I promise myself that I will organise myself better, make time for all the things I need to do in a day, and I end up being all over the place,not getting anything done. I’m just angry at myself, but I somehow can’t seem to get it in my head that I can’t keep on like this...anyway, I don’t want to bore you guys with my sob story, I’ll have to figure that out with myself. I hope you guys haven’t forgotten me and will read my work. I’ll finish a few more shorter requests tonight, and continue tomorrow I hope. :) (the gif doesn’t fit the fic perfectly, but any other I wanted to put didn’t work..)

[noona-clock]

The Dog Walker - Part 6, Final Chapter

Genre: Dog Walker!AU

Pairing: Hanbin x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 | Words: 2,482

A few months later...

The front door opened just as you reached in to take the baking tray out of the oven.

You heard soft, thudding footsteps coming down the hall as you closed the oven door and set the tray on top of the stove. Then the coat closet opened and shut as you reached for the spatula to begin transferring the pigs in a blanket to a serving plate.

When the footsteps finally arrived in the kitchen, you paused and glanced over your shoulder.

A smile sprang to your lips -- even though you knew it was Hanbin, you were still glad to see him. You always were.

“Hey,” you greeted as he made his way to you. And as he loped over in that casual way of his, you could tell something was different. There was something in his eyes that made it pretty obvious he was about to drop some sort of news.

“Hey,” he murmured just before he reached you.

You put the spatula down on the counter as he slid an arm around your waist and pulled you into a hello kiss.

And when he didn’t immediately ask if he could have one of the pigs in a blanket you’d just taken out of the oven, you definitely knew something was up.

Before you could even ask, though, he inhaled sharply and said, “I finished it.”

Your mouth fell open slightly because you knew exactly what he was referring to -- he hardly ever talked to you about it, but Hanbin had been working on it for the last few months, ever since you’d started dating.

“You finished your song?” you asked. Yes, you knew that’s what he’d meant, but you still felt like you needed to ask.

Hanbin nodded, tamping down a giddy smile.

After he had confessed his secret to you on your first date, you’d encouraged him to actually try making the song he’d been creating in his head. He had let you know officially when he’d begun working on it, had updated you a scant few times during the process, and now... apparently, he was finished!

A very wide, bright grin appeared on your lips, and you reached up to rest your hands on his chest. “Can I hear it?”

Unsurprisingly, Hanbin’s cheeks flushed, and he avoided your gaze as he leaned around you to steal a pig in a blanket. “Yeah, you can listen to it later,” he muttered before popping the mini sausage treat in his mouth.

You let out a playfully annoyed sigh and said, “What, you’re going to make me wait until next year?”

Hanbin froze for a moment and then rolled his eyes. “It’s literally...” He lifted up his wrist to look at his watch. “Almost seven on New Year’s Eve. Next year is five hours away.”

“Five hours is a long time!” you retorted, though it was getting more difficult to keep yourself from laughing.

“Yeah, sure, okay,” he mumbled before taking another pig in a blanket.

You swiftly turned around and swatted his hand away. “Stop eating them!”

“But if I can’t eat them, why did you make them?”

“Stop eating them now,” you corrected. “Wait until I put the whole spread on the table!”

Hanbin, who was still standing right behind you, let out a low chuckle in your ear. “It’s literally just us two.”

“Just go and pick out a movie,” you told him, gently elbowing his side and nudging him away from you.

He didn’t leave right away, and your heart jumped up a little into your throat when you felt his hands settling on your hips. “I will,” he murmured before brushing his lips over your cheek. “But I missed you.”

You leaned back against his chest, tilting your head just a little bit as he kissed your cheek again.

“I missed you, too,” you replied in a quiet voice. “I’m almost done, I’ll be in there in just a minute.”

Hanbin simply hummed against your skin before pressing one last kiss to your cheek and slowly letting go of you.

As you heard him shuffle over to your living room to find a movie to watch while the two of you waited for midnight, you hurriedly transferred the last of the pigs in a blanket to the serving tray and set the baking tray into the sink to be washed at a later time.

You then whirled around and opened the fridge, reaching for the bowl of dip you’d made earlier as well as the chocolate-covered strawberries which should now be perfectly set and chilled.

After carefully carrying the pigs in a blanket, dip, and strawberries into the living room and setting them on your coffee table, you dashed back into the kitchen to get two bags of potato chips and napkins. Before you closed the pantry door, though, you called out, “Do you want any popcorn or something for the movie?”

“No, babe,” Hanbin chuckled. “I think we have enough food for right now.”

He may have been right... but you would take out one bag of popcorn and leave it on the table. Just in case.

As soon as you went back into the living room and set the potato chips and napkins on the coffee table with the rest of the food, Hanbin, who was already sitting on the couch, reached out and gently tugged at your arm to get you to sit down next to him. You did so with a sigh, tucking one leg underneath you and leaning back against the sofa cushion.

Hanbin looked at you cautiously for a moment before asking, “Do you... want to hear it?”

Oh, right! How had you already forgotten?!

Immediately, you sat up, straightening your posture and raising your eyebrows in anticipation. “Yes, oh my god, yes!”

A smile flashed across Hanbin’s face, though it was quickly wiped away by a look of anxiety. He slid his hand into his pocket and retrieved his phone, his fingers shaking just slightly as he tapped on the screen to bring up the song.

When he pressed ‘play’ and the first notes of the song began, you held your breath.

You truly wanted to love this song and not just because it was Hanbin’s.

But after just two lines of lyrics, you recognized that... it was wonderful. Beautiful. You had gathered that Hanbin had a passion for music, but to be quite honest, you hadn’t ever thought he was a musical genius. The idea just hadn’t crossed your mind.

It only took one song -- half of a song -- to make it clear that he was. The lyrics were clever but heartfelt. The music fit the words perfectly; there wasn’t one single note out of place.

You sat next to him listening raptly, your heart fluttering -- and by the time the song ended, your stomach sank. You instantly wanted to listen to it again!

“Hanbin,” you whispered, unable to keep yourself from grinning widely. “That was... It was beautiful. I can’t -- you really did everything yourself?”

He nodded bashfully.

You reached over to take his hand, squeezing his fingers urgently. “Where are you going to post it?”

Hanbin’s bashful expression quickly changed to one of confusion. “Post it? What do you mean?”

“Post it online! YouTube or Soundcloud or something. Where are you going to post it?”

Your boyfriend frowned for a brief moment before shaking his head. “No, I’m not going to.”

Your head jerked back a little bit in surprise. “But... why not?”

“Because... it’s just for me. And for you, of course. Whatever songs I make, I always want to share them with you. But... I don’t really care if anyone else hears them,” he answered with a shrug. “It’s not about popularity or recognition. I just... love music.”

You couldn’t help but stare at Hanbin, blinking slowly in awe.

He had just created a song that was so amazing you knew it would immediately become a viral internet sensation. And he didn’t care one wit about sharing it with anyone else.

These last few months had shown you that Hanbin was absolutely the most incredible person you’d ever met... but you hadn’t yet known the true depths of his magnificence until now.

He possessed a talent that could easily make him rich and famous, and he still chose to continue on with his career in dog walking.

Some people might think him wildly stupid for doing so, but you admired him for it. You appreciated the fact that he loved and enjoyed music purely for the sake of loving and enjoying music and not because it could make him money.

While the two of you hadn’t explicitly talked about it, it was obvious that Hanbin’s definition of success had nothing to do with how big your house was or how many cars you owned or how often you traveled to faraway countries. His definition of success was just about doing what you loved. Being with people you...

Before you could think too much about it, you let out a soft sigh and squeezed Hanbin’s hand again.

“I love you,” you told him, your voice now somewhat thick with emotion and sentiment. “I love you so much, and I can’t even tell you in words how grateful I am to be ending this year and starting another one with you. I know it’s incredibly cheesy, but I just --”

Hanbin interrupted you with a kiss, a gentle and brief kiss, and when he pulled back from your lips, he said, “I love you, too.”

A squeal escaped through your lips, and you pulled your hand out of his so you could throw your arms around his neck, practically knocking him back onto the couch.

He let out a soft groan but still wound his arms around you, holding you tightly to his chest and burying his face in your neck.

“So, what you’re saying is,” he mumbled, his breath hot on your skin and sending shivers down your spine. “You’re grateful that one rowdy squirrel threw a wrench in my workday.”

“If I could find that specific squirrel, I would collect every single acorn I could find and save them just for him,” you chuckled.

When Hanbin had told you on your first date that he hadn’t really cared about when or how you’d first noticed him, you had kind of thought he’d been lying. Just a little bit.

But he really hadn’t brought it up all that much over the past few months, so... apparently, he really didn’t care that you’d watched him secretly from your window before actually meeting him in person.

He had asked you once for more details, of course, but he had seemed flattered that you’d harbored a private crush. He had also admitted that, if your positions had been reversed, he absolutely would’ve done the same thing.

After a few moments of sitting on the couch, simply embracing each other, Hanbin took a deep breath and lifted his head from your neck.

“As much as I love sitting here with you... and as much as I love you... can we eat now?”

You almost burst out laughing, but you suddenly realized that you were pretty hungry yourself.

“Of course,” you grinned, pulling away from him and turning to face the coffee table.

Hanbin, after grabbing a pig in a blanket and popping it into his mouth, reached for your television remote and navigated to play one of your favorite romantic comedies. 

And as the familiar opening music began to play, you took a chocolate-covered strawberry (because it was a holiday, and you could eat whatever you wanted in whatever order you wanted), leaned back against your couch, and draped your legs over Hanbin’s lap.

...Could things be any more perfect than they were right now?

A movie you loved was playing on your television. You were eating delicious food. You were cozy and warm on the couch with the man you adored right next to you. An old year was ending, and a new one was just about to begin.

You were happy. Plain and simple.

And judging by the soft smile on Hanbin’s lips as he feasted on chips and dip and watched the movie, he was happy, too.

Then, all of a sudden, a realization hit you like a ton of bricks.

The only that could make you happier right now was...

“Hey,” you murmured, gently nudging Hanbin with your knee.

“Mm?” He raised his eyebrows and tore his gaze away from the television to look at you.

“Would you be able to add another dog to your schedule?”

Hanbin’s mouth slowly formed into a frown of confusion. “I mean... yeah? ...Why?”

“Just wondering,” you grinned. “I’ll probably be too busy to walk him -- or her -- myself, so I was hoping you would be able to.”

And he looked even more confused. “Be able to what? What are you talking about?”

“My dog!”

“But you don’t have a --” 

He cut himself off when he, apparently, understood what you meant. And then he smiled -- no, not just smiled. He beamed. He beamed over at you with excited anticipation, and you were fairly sure you could never love him more than you did right at this very moment.

“You’re going to get a dog?!” he asked, resting one hand on your leg and squeezing your ankle.

“Will you go with me to the shelter tomor --”

“First thing in the morning.”

“But you hate waking up in the morning,” you laughed.

“Okay, then... first thing in the afternoon.”

And, of course, instead of paying attention to the movie, Hanbin began to talk about this future dog of yours. He helped you brainstorm names, made a list of everything you’d need to buy at the pet store, and even assured you he would get you the employee discount for training at the boutique.

If only you from a few months ago could see you now.

Well, now that you thought about it... if you had the ability to go back in time, you would travel to when you were still just watching Hanbin walk by from your window, before the squirrel fiasco. Back when you’d been determined to never tell anyone about your crush because you’d been sure you would never meet him.

Even though you knew it would be extremely difficult to convince yourself, you would want to go back to that time and tell yourself to just do it.

Just go out there and meet him.

It would’ve extended your relationship by only two months, but still. Two months was two months!

Although... you were absolutely positive that Hanbin was the person you would be spending the rest of your life with, and... what was two months compared to a lifetime?

[engineer-in-space]

a simple call of the wild review that is totally professional and not way too detailed by me (February)

It's gonna be a bit of comparing to previous powerwolf albums/songs and remember everything is my own opinion. If you disagree/agree we may talk about it in a civilized way, I actually love talking to others about this shit!

But otherwise (hate, insults, etc.) you can keep your opinion somewhere where I can't see it :) Also, the album has barely been out for a day and things change with time and I may grow to like certain things more. (but there's not too much that I don't like tbh) But I hope you enjoy this metalhead-gremlin's ramblings!

Faster than the flame

I had to listen to it quite a few times before I could say anything about it. It's a powerful start into the new album, however, it is (as previously stated) powerful but didn't blow me away like the first songs on the previous albums. (Fire &forgive, Blessed &possessed, amen & attack - wait am I just now noticing a pattern here? oh my god. Anyway.) Maybe I got that personal feeling that I want it to be Fire & Forgive, which is, of course, not possible and would be boring. So i think I'm not even critizing the song but rather the order of the songs.

It feels like a typical powerwolf song; both lyrics and instrumental. Fast, heavy, something about flames and burning - awesome. The two Latin parts (I think it's called the pre-chorus? man, I have no idea and will just throw around these words because my internet connection is too bad to look this up. But if you listen, you'll know which parts I mean.) already give me goosebumps. I also really, really liked the bridge (again?? idk??) aka the "flame, flame, burning wild in heavens name" part. This was the most memorable part for me after the first time listening. Of course, the guitar arrangement throughout the whole song is just... god bless. I must say that using the word "pastor" is dangerous because my stupid brain keeps thinking Attila is singing about "pasta" again... Oh well, moving on!

Beast of Gevaudan

Man, I've been listening almost non-stop since it was released as a single! At first, my head was comparing it somewhat to army of the night but after a few times this feeling was gone and it became an awesome new idea/song. The choir and orchestra part are so well placed and support the rest of the instrumental and Attila's voice perfectly. Again, much fast, very powermetal. I've grown very fond of the guitar solo. The lyrics tell us a little about the story of the beast and I. Love. Storytelling. In. Songs. Glad matthew finally came around to put his idea out there!

This song also has a video, which left me speechless at first. I love Attila's acting so much??? And making this sort of their own story of Jesus was such a cool idea. Production is high quality as well (didn't expect anything less after The Sacrament of Sin MVs) and there were really nice shots in there. I doubt that I will get tired of this song and this video anytime soon!

Dancing with the dead

That choir stuff in the beginning, following by that awesome guitar riff already had me. I couldn't stop listening to this one either. This might be, in my opinion, the most catchy song on the whole album. The intruments are in perfect harmony with Attila's heavenly voice. The transition into the guitar solo is so damn smooth and well done. I'm having a whole crisis about how good this song is.

The lyrics are interesting too! Again, there's a story to be told. As far as I can interpret it, being introduced to some darker powers and growing to enjoy them, despite previously having lots of faith, is what's going on here. It has this slight feeling of... corruption (in a good way of course). This makes me want to go dancing (with the dead)

This one also has a video! Once again, very high quality. Every band member had their "special moments/shots" and just looked stunning. But Attila left them all behind this time. Slow dancing, in a suit, with that smirk on his lips??? Well done, my dude.

Varcolac

This one's dark and heavy. It brings me back to the good ol' times of Lupus Dei and Bible of the Beast. Just with more orchestra, choir and overall harmony. It makes me so happy that Powerwolf is using so many real life legends and figures on this album! And they did such a good job with them as well. If this song was alive, it would be a scary beast.

The typical metal elements and orchestra/choir parts are very well balanced. And the organ throughout the whole song is fitting. It supports the dark and sinister feeling of the whole thing. My favourite part may be the "And as army we bing fire..." parts! Man, I just love werewolves. Also, I think Attila's famous gibberish singing made a return in this one!

Alive or undead

Oh boy,here we go. The piano in this one is incredible. "Here we STAAAAAAND!" Goosebumps and shivers. Everything about this is so emotional andreading the lyrics while listening just makes me want to cry, ok?! T_T Powerwolf has become so flexible, exploring different ways to make music. This could have been some kind of typical powermetal song but it's not and I'm glad about it.

Even if it's a little different, they never stray to far from what makes them special. The few parts, reminding one of typical church music would not have been necessary but are appreciated! They know when to leave out the guitars and go slowly. What bothers me a little, is that it somehow feels like Attila's voice had a tiny bit more potential up to the chorus. It could've been a little bit softer? if i can put it that way. But honestly this song is raw emotion and everything still fits together. If you thought their first ballad was emotional, buckle up, this one kicked me right in the feels.

Blood for blood (Faoladh)

Powerwolf ventures again into the folk metal territory and successfully conquers it! Could be a headline of something. Anyway, this song is a very worthy successor of Incense & Iron! It just makes me happy, its melody is so light - combined with your typical Powerwolf lyrics. Perfect song to start jumping up and down! It radiates motivational energy. Just like Dancing with the dead, this song has a very smooth transition to the guitar parts.

The melody is strong but still easy enough to quickly get into it! I can barely sit still and write this aaaa. Seriously, I am just happy with this song and will go jump and headbang a while to it!

Glaubenskraft

I have returned from jumping and oh no. It's a German song. Bold of them to go all out on that Latin beginning... it works really well though! It might be because I'm German but this song hits hard. Very hard. It's not easy to make this language sound good and ( if you don't happen to know much about German) the lyrics consist of a bunch of old words and grammar you wouldn't normally use anymore. But they made it fucking work!!! The quiet verses only make the pre-chorus and chorus itself heavier and blow me away. And SOMEHOW this super epic song with (made up, at least I'm pretty sure they don't exist like that) Latin words is about.. you know what Powerwolf writes about a lot. And I LOVE that. It's so subtle and only if you read into it, you're like "wait a minute".

This song has a feeling of corruption too. But not in a good way this time. It feels evil and intimidating and - honestly, I can't get enough of it. Everyone of my neighbours will think I'm some kind of weird Christian fanatic because I WILL yell "Glaubenskraft" just as much as I yelled "Stossgebet". Worth it, tho.

Call of the wild

The song with the same title as the album! (or the other way around, whatever.) This song is just catchy from the beginning to the end. Like many other songs its fast and hard. Just how I like it. Don't take that out of context.

The lyrics and instruments go wild (haha get it), with a really neat Latin pre-chorus. It's very fun to listen to. Personally, it makes me feel like I belong to the pack. That we're strong together, that we can say fuck it once in a while and just go crazy. The chanted part near the end of the song reminds me strongly of Sanctified with dynamite (ya know "die, die dynamite" and "call, call, call of the wild") and it's really cool they pick up on old things once again. Be it intentional or not. It's a reminder that they still are who they were back then - and their music is still fucking incredible.

Simply an epic song, strong vocals, strong guitars. I really, really like the intro. Attila has to sing so many words in such little time, does he even need to breathe now and then?

Now I'm wondering what came first; the album title or the track title? Chicken or the egg?

Sermon of swords

First of all: WHAT IS THAT OMINOUS VOICE IN THE BEGINNING. Mark me down as horny and scared. Ahem.

I really like how the verse and the chorus have their own theme and melody going on and yet they're connected. The chorus is super catchy too! And just say it yourself "Sermon of swords", how cool does it sound??? The choir in the beginning is a really neat introduction into the whole song. The lyrics match the whole album, very much a soundtrack to go on a crusade to, like Raise your fist, Evangelist or Christ & Combat. Just... "AAMEEN!" Ok, I'm actually going insane here, calm down, Feb. These might be my favourite lyrics of the whole album I think?? (unless I said that somewhere else already, then i have more than one favourite.)

The whole song has a more "classical" feeling to it, not only in the Powerwolf sense but also in the Heavy Metal sense in general. BUT. Orchestra and choir are prefectly mixed, especially supporting Attila in the chorus. The guitar solo is really cool and sounds very Greywolf-y, if you know what I mean. It's just Matthew's style.

Undress to confess

The name of this song says it all. This is your friendly reminder that no matter how much they preach about Jesus or the Devil, Powerwolf should not be taken too seriously. When I first saw the title I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

The melody is pretty catchy and easy to remember, the organ and general approach reminds me of Demons are a girl's best friend. I absolutely love how the lyrics are on that thin line of somewhat poetic and ridiculous. Let me provide two examples here: "all the world we posess for desire and sin we carress" - man, this sounds pretty.

And there's also "dressed to hide the dark, and obsessed to ride him hard on the.... crucifix." Yeah, I... I don't know what I expected here. Anyway, this is how you describe church sex without actually using explicit words. (why are you booing me, i'm right)

Still really nice to listen to and have a good time!

Reverent of rats

We arrived at the last song of the album! And here we picked up on the speed and power again! The way the organ is played during the verses makes it so... sinister. Again, this piece reminds me of Lupus Dei. The verses keep the sinister feeling while the chorus picks up more... drama? An epic melody mixed with epic words make my soul ascend to heaven.

This guitar solo is also the absolute good shit. It might be my favourite from all the songs of this album?! Additionally, the drums? I don't know why but they really stand out here. Love how fast paced they are.

Aaaaand that's it! If you've read all the way through holy shit, you are actually a badass. Thank you for staying with me, my werewolf friend. Maybe we'll meet where the wild wolves have gone. But always remember: Metal is religion.

[tangtownie]

You Should See Me In A Crown - Natasha Romanoff x Dark!Reader Insert (AU)

Author’s Note: So, this is my first time trying to write something dark…

Think it might land in the category of soft!dark, but be warned none the less!

Super nervous about posting this, but I actually ended up really liking this one myself, so hopefully others will as well.

Reader is from the Red Room Academy, just as Natasha, only reader never left them. I took some creative liberties when describing the Red Room Academy, so that it fit my idea better, which is also why this story is marked as an AU.

The Russian nickname for Natasha means ‘darling’, ‘pet’ or ‘beloved’.

I incorporated some lyrics from the song, tell me how many you can find? 🧐

Regarding the timeline, I imagine this would take place after Natasha brought down SHIELD and shortly after Bucky joined the Avengers.

Also, shoutout to @a-little-counter-esperanto for being kind enough to beta this for me and offer some moral support! 🥰

Once again, this is marked dark for a reason! There might be topics that are triggering to certain people, so please be responsible about your media consumption.

Warnings: Explicit descriptions of violence and murder, dark!Reader, messed up “family” relations, weird/sexual obsession with a sister figure.

Word count: 2.252

Song Inspiration: You Should See Me In A Crown by Billie Eilish

I was perfectly concealed, blending in with all the mindless idiots making their way down the street. If this hadn’t been New York, and people actually paid attention to what happened around them, they might have noticed the warning sign that was the concealed weapons on my body. Or my too heavy boots beating down against the concrete. Carefully eyeing the tower, I counted the people moving in and out of the building. “Bite my tongue, bide my time.” I mumbled quietly, catching the attention of a passerby. We had in fact been biding our time, monitoring the tower for months, counting the number of armed guards on site at any given time. However, it seemed that these soft Americans had their most precious protectors under lock and key at all times. Biting my tongue, I tried not to scoff. One would assume that the Avengers were more than capable of handling themselves, but apparently their employer did not.

Not that it mattered, the more people in the tower, the more people there were for my sisters to play with. My sisters who were all watching me, waiting for my signal. Finally, we had found our missing piece and none of us were leaving here without her. I had been searching for her for years, using the Academy’s missions to get intel on my long lost sister. In time, Mother had found out and I had been forced to deal with that. Fortunately, it was nothing a little thallium poisoning couldn’t handle for me. One less complication and Mother would never get between us again. No one would. Catching the rays of the sun on the edge of my watch, I slowly rolled my wrist, the light reflecting up on a window in a perfect circle. “Wearing a warning sign.” I didn’t know where my sisters were located, but I knew they had all seen my signal. I moved swiftly through the masses, discarding my disguise along the way, and quickly found myself standing in front of the tower.

The first window shattered, as I opened the door, a flurry of bullets following the first one. Civilians were screaming: scrambling to get away, guards were rushing in from all sides: barking commands rushing through their radios and glass continued flying through the air as my sisters blew the lobby to pieces. A few stray pieces of glass tangled in my hair, light reflecting off of them as I moved gracefully through the chaotic scene, while the bloodcurdling screams piercing the air sounded almost like a symphony. Humming quietly to myself, I pulled my gun from the holster on my hip and aimed carelessly before shooting a guard in the face.

The bullet lodged in his eye and he fell to his knees, screaming. His body spasmed out of his control and with a final gurgling scream, he fell limply to the floor. “I love the way they scream.” I really didn’t need to kill him to swipe his ID, but alas why should my sisters have all the fun? After all, I was the one running this mission. The glass crunched underneath my boots and blood splattered all over me whenever my sisters killed the ones that got too close to me.

Making it to the elevator was easy: the guards and civilians continuously dropping all around me. Once inside of the elevator, I pressed R for residential. Wiping some blood from my cheek, I caught a whiff of gunpowder on my dark glove and I inhaled again, greedily, as pure joy filtered through my system. Raising my head to look at my reflection, I was met with a dazzling vision wrapped in all black. I could see the bumps from my arsenal of knives and guns strapped to my thighs, hips and arms. My hair was tied back tightly, the glass shards framing my head like a crown, and blood smeared across my face. “You are so pretty.”

The elevator dinged as it reached the residential floor. Unlike the others, this was ominously silent. By now the precious protectors would now that I had come looking for them. Or rather her. I had come for her and I would die before leaving without her. “Natalia?” I called out for her teasingly. “I know you’re here, любимый." I was met only with silence. Humming quietly to myself again, I fished a knife out of my holster and jammed it into the keypad of the elevator. The keypad sputtered and sparked before I pulled the knife back out, leaving it hanging down the side of the wall.

Flipping the knife carelessly, I scraped it against the wall, as I started moving down the hallway. “Our sisters are so looking forward to seeing you again, sweet Natalia.” I was almost reunited with her and joy filled my voice as well as my body. A flash of movement caught my eye and I turned just in time to see someone charging at me. A quick sidestep and he flew past me. He was tall, broad and dark. Every inch of him wrapped in black leather. His gaze was burning with fury, when he turned to look at me.

“Soldat,” I cocked my head in recognition, a smirk curling around my lips. “I see you’ve betrayed the cause as well.” The burly soldier snarled at me in response and a bubbling laughter rose from my throat. “Poor little Soldat, still have the manners of a raging beast, I see.” The deranged soldier lunged at me again, and it took all of my power to block his fist. The metallic whirring getting louder and louder the more weight he put into it. Grunting with effort, I could feel his arm slipping through mine and his fist met my face with full force. My entire body was slammed backwards into the wall and it felt as though my brain was vibrating from the hit. For a second everything went dark, but the taunting scoff from Soldat ripped me back to reality instantaneously.

Pushing myself from the wall, I growled back at him. To think that my dear sister had been trapped here with these abominations of nature for so long… But no matter, we were here for her now and we would take her away. I simply needed to put down this caged animal in front of me, and we could be on our way. “Watch me make ‘em bow.” Anger flashed in the eyes of the beast as I spoke and he charged again: his metal hand shooting out and wrapping around my throat. His eyes burning while he tightened his grip until all that could escape me were choked off gasps.

I fumbled for the needle in my pocket. I knew it contained just enough sedative to take down a deranged super soldier and while I had anticipated using it on a certain overeager Captain, this seemed like an appropriate use. When I finally grasped the needle, I plunged it into the side of Soldat’s neck. The drug took effect immediately: the beast’s eyes drooping and his ironclad grip on my throat loosening. As my feet touched the floor again, his hand slipped from my throat and he landed with a loud thump. I wasn’t certain how long it would keep him down, so for good measure I grasped one of my knifes and plunged it into him: his stomach, chest and shoulder before I sliced along the inside of his arm.

Loosing my patience, I started down the hallway again. I had to find her and save her. How could Mother ever have thought that Natalia was safe here? Kicking down every door I met, I eventually found her room. The soft scent of jasmine and lemongrass wafted over me and I couldn’t resist the temptation to go in. “You smell so sweet.” My fingers softly grazed over her walls as I moved inside and let the smell of my dear sister take over my senses. Her room was warm and inviting with throw blankets and pillows everywhere and I knew that I had been right. This—she—was exactly what our sisters needed, a comforting and warm presence.

Natalia’s bedroom was immaculate as always, not a single item out of place. Stopping at her dresser, I needed to feel close to her. I tore open a drawer and pulled out a sweater. The material was much softer and smoother than anything I owned and I burrowed my face in it, so that I could really smell her. A sense of calm washed over me and I let myself fall backwards onto her bed, so that I could be surrounded by her scent. My sweet Natalia, how I had missed her. “I fell for those ocean eyes.”

There was nothing I hadn’t missed about her: her eyes that would sparkle like the stars on a bright and cold night. Her deep, soothing drawl. Her soft and luscious hair that I could almost feel running through my fingers. All of it making up the resilient, courageous and ruthless warrior that I had loved for as long as I could remember. My sweet, dear sister. We would be together again soon and then nothing could tear us apart ever again. A sudden sound snapped me back to attention and I quickly got off the bed, hiding beside the doorframe to her bedroom. The steps were careful and calculated, yet soft. A smiled curved over my lips as I recognized them.

“Natalia, любимый, I’ve been looking for you.” Her steps froze at the sound of my voice. I slowly emerged from my hiding spot with the smile still on my lips. Natalia had never looked quite as beautiful as she did with her gun pointed at me. “Oh, любимый, I’m not here to hurt you.” Natalia’s stance wavered just a little and I was elated to see her giving in to me. “I’m here to help you escape, sweet sister.” Confusion washed over Natalia’s face and I smirked as I was reminded that she had always been one of our more simple-minded sisters.

“Mother fell ill.” I explained it simply to her. My darling, simple sister did not need to know all the gory details of what I’d done to find her. “And some of our weaker sisters were flailing without a strong leader, so… I stepped in.” An emotion I didn’t quite recognize flashed over Natalia’s face and she lowered her gun a little. “But as you know, любимый, I’m not exactly a nurturing person and while I see no use of such foolish sentimentality, some of our sisters have requested that you re-join us.” I watched her closely, as I finished my sentence. “We are going to run that place together. That, and any other place you want, my sweet love.” Anger flashed in Natalia’s eyes and her gun was back in my face instantaneously.

I didn’t let her reaction deter me, though. I loved her and I knew that she loved me too. I gently placed my hand on her cheek and dragged her closer to me. “I cannot do this without you, sister. I cannot live with you… Do you have any idea how long I’ve been searching for you?” I placed my other hand on top of her gun and pushed it down until it was pointed at my chest. “If you won’t let me help you, then you’ll have to kill me, любимый.” Natalia’s eyes widened and jumped back and forth, from my face down to my chest. “Tell me, sweet sister. Which do you imagine is worse? Living without you or dying first?” I gently brought my hand up to her other cheek and pulled her closer to me, until our foreheads were resting on one another.

“любимый, my love, don’t resist me.” I whispered the last words before crashing my lips onto hers. The feel of her soft, full lips against mine was even better than I had dreamt. I gasped ecstatically into her mouth and let my hands slide into her hair. I tightened my grip on her hair, when she tried to pull away. She could breathe when I let her. Until then, I would kiss her as long as I pleased. A tear slid down her cheek and I understood. She had finally accepted that we were supposed to be together and that we would rule alongside each other. “You will be the most perfect Mother, любимый.” I whispered against her lips.

Suddenly, a burning feeling spread through my chest and I could hardly breathe. “любимый, do you feel it, too?” I gasped. “We are finally becoming one.” Each syllable hurt more than the last and I barely registered Natalia’s gun clattering to the floor. Something warm ran down my chest and my legs almost collapsed under me. I clung to Natalia and she fell to the floor with me. She wrapped her arms around me and I was in heaven. “You are so beautiful, sweet Natalia.” Even as my vision blurred and I could feel the pull of a deep, dark sleep, I could not pry my eyes away from her. “Sister, I feel so tired…” My voice was cracking from all the effort it took me to speak, but she was here. My true love, my dear sister. I had finally found her again. “Sleep, sister. Everything will be alright.” My sweet Natalia’s voice was the last thing I heard before the darkness took me.

Okay, so Tumblr was acting all crazy when I was making this post, so hopefully, it'll work! 😬

Also, as always, would love feedback in any form! Comment, reblog, messages! It doesn't matter. ❤️

[lexiepiper]

Reflection

Hey @danthectoman, I was your backup Truce gifter! I hope you enjoy this bitter(sweet) Dan thermos fic!

I know my blog’s formatting sucks, I haven’t been able to change it yet, but you can read it on Ao3 or ff if you’d prefer.

.

There wasn’t much else to do but seethe.

His body, compressed down to mist, strained against the smooth metal walls. He pressed, and prodded, and tried again and again to pop the seal, but it held eternally firm, and he was left with nothing but thoughts in the darkness.

So he softly settled, like low-lying fog across fields, and sulked.

His anger pulsed at first, and every time he thought about things, his core would flare and he would pound himself against the lid once more. Still, it never budged, and he always ended up sinking back into simmering stillness before his thoughts caught up with him and his fury inevitably swelled again.

It was a dark, stagnant cycle, and he didn’t know how long it had been going on until a tiny thought wormed its way through the haze of agitation. Jazz would be disappointed.

It caught him off-guard, and he paused in yet another attempt to break the seal.

She would be, wouldn’t she?

The thought held a bite of anger, and he coiled in readiness to throw himself against the lid again, but before he could lose himself in his rage he managed to picture her. Time had worn her smooth, and she was little more than long red hair pulled away from her face with a teal headband, and fragments of smiles and hugs that always carried more love than he ever felt from anyone else. He pooled again at the bottom of the thermos, trying to fit the glimpses of memory back together. He couldn’t picture her fully, but the more he tried, the more she slid into place in his mind.

His parents followed quickly, and sorrow pricked his core when he realised that he couldn’t remember what his mother’s smile looked like, or the scent of the aftershave that his dad had worn. It had been so long since he’d allowed himself to think about them, and now this tiny effort was far too late.

The deep, hollow ache in his core flared up, like an old wound that never really went away, and he curled in on himself. He wanted to stop thinking about them, to make the yawning emptiness fade into the background once again, but he just couldn’t stop himself… His family sprang back to the forefront, whose faces were blurred by time, and who had never known the truth about him. He wondered if things would have been different, had they known. He tried to picture it — ghost hunting with his parents, or making ectocookies, or trying to dodge Jazz when she ruffled his hair after he had easily caught The Box Ghost yet again.

The imagined scenes brought a fresh wave of pain. He’d never told them, and now they’d never know, because they were dead. They were dead, and it was his fault.

He had no physical body to cry with in the thermos, but he burned with the thick heat of grief, and Dan wrapped his misty form tighter around his core. He stayed there, pressed against the cold circular floor of his prison, while his core trembled and his mind dwelt on the little things that made up the people he’d lost. If he thought about it, he could almost smell Sam’s shampoo, or picture the shape and colour of Tucker’s glasses. He didn’t remember if Jazz’s shirt had been black or white that day, or if his parents had been holding hands when they walked into the meeting. He spared a small thought for Mr Lancer too, but then returned to trying to recall what his mother’s perfume smelled like.

He dug deeper into his memory, and every resurfacing detail felt like pulling out a splinter. It was painful in the moment, but once he stopped fighting the memory, and allowed the thoughts to linger, the pain was not so much that of continual hurt, but more akin to the ache of healing.

Sam’s shampoo had been a vegan one that smelled like roses, and Tucker’s glasses were large half-moons with black frames. Jazz’s shirt was also black, his mother smelled like orange blossoms, and right there at the end, they had been holding hands.

He missed them.

He missed them, and there, coiled as compressed ectoplasmic mist, he realised that he still loved them.

He had no mouth or throat, but Dan’s amorphous body clenched and spasmed in the closest thing to a cry, and he tried to remember as much as he could.

He reached for old memories, of the sound of screeching locker doors, and that his mother would always fold his socks so that the edges lined up perfectly, and how sand felt when it crunched and squeezed between his toes, and Dan realised that his family and friends weren’t the only people he missed.

He missed rain on his skin, and the taste of lime, and the way it felt to sleep in jeans after a long day, and a million other little things that made up the sum of life.

He missed Danny.

He missed himself.

He’d never thought that before, so swept up in the rage of abandonment, and then… then the rage of bloodlust. His core shivered, and he tried not to think about it. He tried to dredge up those nicer, softer memories, of picnics and sunsets and life, but every attempt was swept away by the sheer force of blood-drenched gloves and dying, screaming souls.

He’d started with himself, and then had never stopped… but now that he’d been stopped, and left in a soup can to rot? Now, he had time to think, and the more he thought, the more he remembered.

People had been so easy to kill. At the time, it gave him a rush of excitement, of winning the hunt… but now, if he’d had a stomach, it would have been rolling with bile. Unlike the hazy memories of happier times, he could picture every person he’d killed in crystal clear detail.

They rushed him, breaking through the mental walls that he tried to throw up, until all he could do was cower at the bottom of the thermos and face how each of them had looked in their final moments. Each terrified expression drove shards of revulsion deeper into his core, and these visions continued in an unrelenting wave until he had revisited every single victim, and felt the horror and guilt that had been so absent when their lives had ebbed away beneath his cruel fingers. He didn’t know how long it took, but when it was over, all he could do was lie there and steep in the blood that stained his soul.

He wished he had never done it.

He would do anything to have never done it.

As soon as the thought presented itself, Dan felt a vibration stutter through his prison. The thermos shuddered, and then the compression was gone, and Dan burst out of the darkness into a light that burned his eyes with its sudden intensity after so long in the darkness. He curled in mid-air, pressing the heels of newly-formed palms against freshly-made eyes and hissing in discomfort.

When he finally came to himself, the first thing he noticed was a soft, repetitive ticking. It was strangely familiar but misplaced, like the wrong lyrics being sung to a familiar tune. Dan shuddered, dropping his hands and squinting in the light. His core fluttered with the strain of his unrelenting emotional storm, and if he were a weaker being he might have worried about it collapsing due to stress.

He glanced around, frowning at the sight of a ghost screwing the cap back onto the thermos.

“Who are you?”

The ghost regarded him with red eyes, one of which was struck through by an impressive scar. “You know who I am.”

Its voice rasped like sand shifting, and brought to mind the endless dunes of a desert, eternally changing with the ravages of time.

He did know. “Why now?” Dan snapped, but the snippiness was somewhat lost from his tone as his core heaved with fresh guilt. “When I first learned of your existence, and searched the Ghost Zone, I could never find you.”

The ghost didn’t respond, and Dan shook his head as anger finally began to trickle back into his core. It pushed the guilt aside in its demand to be felt. “You… you hid from me!” he shouted, flinging out an arm for emphasis. “You knew what I would do, but when I came to find you, to… to fix this,” he gestured to himself, “you left me on my own! What did that other Danny have that I wasn’t good enough for, Old Man?!”

The ghost of time rippled, and his form changed into a younger man. “Come,” he said, and floated through an open archway set in the wall.

Dan paused. The room he’d been released into was nothing more than a small alcove, with a pedestal that must have housed the thermos up until now. Frustration bloomed in him, but it was quickly overcome with a spark of disbelief.

He was free?

After so long, it felt impossible. He immediately yearned for open spaces, whether the expanse of the Zone or the wide blue sky of Earth, it didn’t matter. He just had to get out of here.

He could run, but if that strange cloaked ghost with the ticking clock in its chest really was who Dan suspected, then he doubted that he’d get very far. Besides, it’s not like he had anywhere that he could run to, anyway.

Loneliness ripped through him, and Dan clenched his teeth and flew through the archway before the crushing grief could come pouring back. “Hey!” he shouted, speeding to catch up with the figure that was floating leisurely down a long, narrow corridor lined with large clock faces that all displayed different times.

The other ghost reached a door recessed between two massive clock faces just as Dan caught up. “Come, Daniel.”

The simple address struck him like a blow, and Dan recoiled, his hand flying to his chest to clutch at the HAZMAT. “That’s not my name,” he choked. “I’m not… him.”

The time ghost paused with a hand on the ornate doorknob. “Maybe not the way you used to be,” he demurred, “but in many ways, Daniel, you’re still you.”

Dan’s core clenched, and the shadows behind the clocks deepened as his hair flared in an inferno of white flames. “Don’t you get it, Clockwork?” he shrieked, the slight tether of self-control crumbling away. “I killed people! Millions and millions of innocent people! I murdered children, and can still see their faces, and feel their blood dripping off my hands! I am not your precious Daniel!”

Clockwork’s hand dropped back to his side, and he turned so that they were facing each other. His gaze was soft and achingly sad, and the ticking of the clock inlaid in his chest sparked a pang of longing that Dan didn’t even know he could still feel.

He shoved it away. “Why didn’t you save me?” he choked, and his core felt like it would smother him. “You saved him, with your time travel and your second chances. What was so special about him, anyway? Why did he get them back, while I became his lesson?”

Clockwork folded his arms across his chest. The watches lining his wrists flashed in the brilliant light of Dan’s hair. “Saving comes in many ways, Daniel. If I wasn’t going to help you then you’d still be in that thermos.”

“I don’t need your help,” he snapped.

Sad red eyes bored into his. “Don’t you wish that you could take it all back?”

The question pierced him to his soul, and Dan faltered, sinking so that his feet hit the tiles. His knees buckled and he sagged, leaning against the wall and grasping his chest as a half-forgotten sound squeezed where his ribs should have been and wormed its way up his throat and out through gritted teeth. It took a moment to recognise the sob for what it was, and by then, another one had broken out as well.

He tamped down on the emotion, blinking burning eyes and leaning heavily against the wall. “Yes,” he choked. “I… I want nothing more.”

The ancient ghost sighed, and it sounded like the faraway chime of a forgotten clock. “Come,” he said again, reaching for the handle once more and swinging the door open. “You are my ward, Daniel, no matter what form you take. I would fight all powers in the realms to give you peace.”

Dan blinked as an undeniable warmth wrapped itself around his core. “Oh,” he breathed, and for a moment, the pain melted away and he felt like Danny Fenton for the first time in what could have easily been a thousand years. It was nice, but overwhelming in its abruptness, and he sank to his knees. “But… but I’m still half Plasmius,” he managed to say past the swelling comfort that cocooned him like a blanket.

Clockwork shrank until he was in the form of a child, his eyes once again level with Dan’s kneeling form. “Without that half, you’re not stable,” he said, and laid a tiny hand on Dan’s shoulder. “You were stronger, and absorbed him. You have his powers, and his temper, but beneath that, you’re still Daniel Fenton.”

The comforting warmth continued to thicken around him, and Dan screwed his eyes shut and leaned his forehead against Clockwork’s shoulder. “Are you adopting me?” he choked as he recognised the bonds forming between their cores.

He felt the other ghost nod. “Technically, you’ve been my ward for over a thousand years now. I just had to leave you in that thermos until you came to your senses.”

“What, you left me in time out for a thousand years?” Dan retorted, but the words lacked any bite.

Small fingers brushed through his flaming hair, and he forced down a shudder at how unexpectedly nice it felt.

“You needed to experience regret,” Clockwork explained, and gently pulled back from the hug. “You had to want to change the past so badly that you’d do anything. You weren’t going to change until you were ready to.”

Dan leaned against the wall again. He still felt wonderfully warm and cared for in a way that he never had, not even during his distant, fleeting time alive. “I do,” he said, and tried not to think about how cheesy this all was, “and I will.”

Clockwork smiled then, and the scar that slashed through his eye crinkled with the expression. He reached out a hand and Dan grasped it. “Come,” he said, shifting into the form of a young adult and pulling Dan off the floor with the change. “You have some time travelling to do.”

[mattbflatt-loves-starset]

The Progression of Failed Love - A STARSET Playlist

Y’all ever make a playlist before? That shit is so much fun. Using the music by your favorite artists and ordering them in such a way that portrays your own idea or story... I love it, and I’ve only just started doing it. It’s a very unique way to creatively express yourself. Now that I’ve hyped my audience up, it’s time to break all of your hearts by sharing my playlist of STARSET songs called “The Progression of Failed Love” which follows the story of a typical young couple who just couldn’t make it work. Yes I know, this is a dumb movie trope told a million times and blah blah blah, but this is my blog so deal with it ya fuckin’ dorks… of course I’m kidding, and in all seriousness, this was the most genuine playlist I was able to make. I have my own personal connection to it, and if you’ve had a relationship before, you’ll most likely find a way to connect to it. I enjoy it, and I hope you do as well.

The playlist’s first three songs in order are “Satellite”, “DIE FOR YOU”, and “Starlight”, and they encompass the honeymoon stage of a budding relationship. Let’s call these songs Act I of this story. “Satellite” to me really embodies the feeling one gets when they first fall for someone. The energy is high and all you can think about is what you would do for this individual, with lyrics that support this idea greatly:

“Satellite! Shine on me tonight!

I will be your gravity, I will stay and never leave…

My satellite! Are you here tonight?

Shine your light and set me free.

Take the darkness out of me.

Shine on me!”

The relationship hasn’t started yet, but the interest is growing like crazy. These lyrics hit hard, check out the rest of them here:

STARSET – Satellite Lyrics 

“DIE FOR YOU” is just a more intense version of “Satellite” within the context of this story, but it makes sense because this song represents when the relationship is now official. Both parties have fallen for each other, and the love is starting to run deep. The whole vibe of the song is much more intimate, with a calmer kit part (hot damn Adam Gilbert you are smart with writing your kit parts), but yet the same exact key and even a similar tempo. The songs are so similar, yet so different, and it’s really smart. Kudos to STARSET for this, and as a personal benefit, it makes the story of this playlist flow really well.

Starset - Die For You (Official Audio) 

“Starlight” is a very specific moment in time, and marks the end of the honeymoon phase. The couple is stargazing, and the sky is just beautiful. I see many colors and galaxies in the night sky when listening to this song. The only thing is, they aren’t physically together. Their lives have picked up, and while they can’t be with each other at the moment, they still love each other very much, so they stargazed on a phone call. They are sad that they have to spend less time together, but they reassure each other that they love the other person very much, and that they are inseparable. This song has a very special place in my heart, as it’s just a beautiful song that makes me think a lot. I get a little heartsick listening to it, as it makes me think about memories that are dear to me, but it fits this spot perfectly in my playlist story.

Starset - Starlight (Official Lyric Video)

The honeymoon period has now concluded and we are moving into Act II of this story, where problems arise. This act starts with the song “Telepathic”, which has a frustrating feel to me. The song is from the perspective of only one of the characters, as they feel their significant other expects them to be a mind reader and won’t share emotions by just talking about them. As I’m sure a lot of people understand, this is infuriating to deal with, as it just makes people typically want to slam their head through a fuckin’ brick wall. At the same time, this character is very easily read by their significant other, as they wear their heart on their sleeve, making it seem like their lover is… well… “Telepathic”. This brings up insecurity, and arguments ensue. The lyrics support this idea well, for example:

“But you can read my mind

I feel it all the time.

Felt it all around you…

You had me under spell right from the start

I don’t have a telepathic heart.”

STARSET – Telepathic Lyrics 

The arguments get worse as we progress into the song “FAULTLINE”. This song has a lot to do with pointing fingers and blaming, as now both lovers in this story are outright arguing with each other a lot, and over stupid shit too. They aren’t handling being apart from each other well and are having a hard time with communication due to insecurity and distance. The vibe of this song fits this mood, as it’s got a sparse but tense groove, and the accompanying guitar/synth parts are rough and a bit grungy. Out of all the songs in this playlist, this one takes 3nd place for the lyrics fitting well into the story, with such snippets as:

“First you gotta know, how to play the victim

Hate to tell ya so, but you repeat the symptoms like an aftershock

And I only wanna make it stop…”

And also:

“Caught me shaking at the site, oh

Caught me quaking in my mind, oh

You’re tripping over every fault of mine

You’re breaking open every single time

It’s never black and white, no

Going seismic out of spite, oh

I never know if it’s your fault or mine

You’re breaking open every single time

Faultline.”

STARSET - FAULTLINE (Official Audio)

 Like damn, that entire second snippet is the whole ass chorus. This song fits super well here.

The last song in Act II has some intense, even lustful feelings tied to it, this song being “PERFECT MACHINE”. The couple is desperate to make things work, as they still love each other very much but are really struggling. When they see each other, they engage constantly in what people called “hate-fucking” which ultimately solves nothing, and then fighting after they are done. Yes I know this was a WILD turn out of left field, but this is the story I envision with this playlist, very intense and potentially very real. The song I feel is the entire progression of one… erm… let’s call it a “session” of what was described above. It starts with the lustful feelings I mentioned before, then about one third of the way through the song, the entire feeling changes, becoming very angry and desperate. This song takes 2nd place for lyrics best fitting the story, with the lyrics changing from this:

“Show me your insides, show me your secrets

Show me what you desire… I can fake it”

To this:

“Even you know… even you know, this was all for nothing…”

STARSET - PERFECT MACHINE (Official Audio)

STARSET – PERFECT MACHINE Lyrics 

Again, damn bro. I relate to this part of the story the least, as I’ve never experienced something like this, but holy shit that still cuts deep.

Finally, we reach Act III of this story, the end and the aftermath. This act opens up with “Let It Die”, which is the song that marks the inevitable end of this relationship. This song talks a lot about “breathing back life” into something and I feel that marks the end of a relationship very well. The feelings have been lost and it’s very possible that at least one party has moved on, so it needs to end. There’s not much to say about this song, except the one lyric that really made this song claim its spot on this playlist:

“But you told me, if you loved me, let it die”

Starset - Let It Die (Official Audio)

The relationship is now over, and one of the characters has left the narrative. We now enter the mind of the one who was still holding on to feelings. With this, the penultimate song to this playlist is the iconic “My Demons”. This song paints the image of inner demons attacking someone, and how they once had a significant other that would save them from these demons. The song references sickness, demons, needing help, and other color words that really paint the picture of someone mourning the death of love they once had. It is one of STARSET’s most emotionally impactful songs, and every single OG STARSET fan knows this song. This part of the story is the perfect spot for this song, and though I don’t want to copy another batch of lyrics for the purpose of finishing this story, I strongly encourage you to just listen to the song and pay attention to these lyrics. They’re very audible and very emotionally charged.

Starset - My Demons (Official Music Video)

We have finally reached the end, and the song that ends this whole story is “Ricochet”, another one of STARSET’s best songs. I know what I said about not copying another batch of lyrics to this post, but this song wins 1st place for lyrics relating to the story on this playlist, because this song is literally about reflection on a failed relationship and just wanting to see the other person:

“We were one in the same,

Running like moths to the flames,

You’d hang on every word I’d say 

But now they only ricochet…

We were falling away,

You left me with a bittersweet taste,

But when I send my heart your way,

It bounces off the walls you made,

Ricochet”

COME. ON. You CANNOT tell me this isn’t the best way to conclude this really sad story. This isn’t the only set of lyrics in the song that paints this picture well, THE WHOLE SONG DOES. Back to the story, time has passed and the remaining character still misses their ex-lover. They’ve tried really hard to rebuild some sort of relationship with them, but it just didn’t work. This song is the final stage of their mourning, and while they know very deep down that it will get better, they need this time to grieve.

Starset - Ricochet (Official Music Video)

STARSET – Ricochet Lyrics

I don't relate to this entire story, but it was sure as hell fun to write. I apologize for any emotional pain that I have caused during the telling of this story, but this is what came to mind when I was creating the playlist. You’re a real one if you made it to the end, this being my longest post yet. I really hope you enjoyed.

Links Used (In Order):

https://genius.com/Starset-satellite-lyrics 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJxSNbAer9M 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tiCEp3K3Rs 

https://genius.com/Starset-telepathic-lyrics 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfqVlwetWfY 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keMBtyjYUPQ 

https://genius.com/Starset-perfect-machine-lyrics 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJtBYAKBByk 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkll0StZJLA 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaC0YVaIMno

https://genius.com/Starset-ricochet-lyrics

[jabbajambler]

8

Powerless

The Mandalorian/Din Djarin x f!OC

Word Count: 2,090

*GIF by @babyyodastuff​*

         The bar was vacant except for a few tipsy aliens. Their words slurred together as they spoke and slung their arms around one another. They started to sing some sort of song, but the lyrics were soon lost in the puddle of sounds. It was then nothing more than a hum that drifted in the air.

         Honestly, any sound would've been better than this conversation. Every look in that cruel woman's green eyes made me want to spring across the table with my saber. I was sure Din wouldn't complain too much.

         "Trask is a black market port," Bo Katan leaned against the table with a determined look in her eyes. There was something lying beneath that stare, something she wanted. "They're staging weapons that have been bought and sold with the plunders of our planet. We're seizing those weapons and using them to retake our home world."

         I laughed, choking on my drink as I tried to hold it in. Mandalore? Was she serious? That planet was a wasteland and it was partially her fault. I could feel her cold glare on me before she continued.

         "Once we've done that," her voice was darker now, "we'll seat a new Mandalore on the throne."

          "That planet is cursed," Din spoke with ease as I struggled to hold back my grin. "Anyone who goes there dies. Once the Empire knew they couldn't control it, they made sure no one else could either."

           I shrugged, "with the Empire gone, who knows, but that planet is a wasteland."

         Bo Katan's hungry green eyes focused on mine. "And who exactly are you?"

         My throat felt dry at her mocking question. She held a slight grin on her face as she tilted her head to the side, batting her eyes as though there were no hints of resentment. I still tried to hold my head high despite the feeling of her staring down at me. "I am Myrah Koor," I said, my stomach dropping slightly as I said it, "adopted daughter of Aaryn Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi. I suspect you remember them, don't you?"

          "I do. You don't like me," she rolled her eyes and placed her hands beneath her chin, "why? From what I remember, I helped your family."

         "You betrayed my family," I snapped as the overwhelming anger started to swell in my chest. "You're a cheat and a liar and-"

         Bo Katan scoffed, "don't believe everything you hear." She shrugged me off and turned back to Din whose momentary focus was on me. I could see how my face flushed red and warm in the reflection of his visor.

         "Our enemies want to separate us," her gaze drifted over to me quickly, "but Mandalorians are stronger together"

          I struggled to hold in my fury as the heat consumed my body. I swore one more sly comment and she would have wished she wore the helmet all the time. The gentle brush of leather against my hand distracted me, pulling me from my rage-filled thoughts. Din's hand was quick to pull away from mine before the others had questioned it.

         As if we weren't already as dramatic as possible on the boat. Surely they weren't that naive.

         "That's not part of my plan," Din answered Bo quickly as he turned his gaze to the child who watched the exchange curiously. "I've been quested to return this Child to the Jedi."

         Her eyes flickered between me and the child. "And she wasn't good enough?" she hummed, "what do you know of the Jedi?"

         "Nothing. I was hoping you would help me by Creed."

         Her lips lifted into a small, smug smile as she looked between her other Mandalorian friends, "I can lead you to one of their kind," she spoke quietly, "but first, we need your help on a mission?"

         I scoffed, "what sort of mission do we need to help you with? You three seem to be perfectly capable on your own.'

         "We usually are," she snapped before taking a deep breath and straightening in her seat, "but this is more intense than what we usually deal with on Trask."

          "Let me guess," I leaned forward in my seat with my arms folded on the table, "imperials? I'm shocked you don't feel like betraying the galaxy and go side with them. After all, isn't that what you're good at?"

         Koska, her brunette friend, had to hold her back from lunging at me across the table. Even the slight squeeze on my arm told me to settle down. If I went any further, I was sure to have a knife in my chest or her hands wrapped around my neck until I blacked out. I certainly wasn't going to die at her hands.

          "Yes," Koska finished for Bo Katan as she and their other friend tried to calm her down, "they're imperial and highly guarded. We will provide more details at sunrise. Should we meet here?"

         Din quickly shook his head, "meet at the west docks. We'll rendezvous there in the morning."

         "Right, well," she huffed, "you should probably get going."

         The hand on my arm lifted me from my seat before I could fit in another snarky remark. I couldn't even shout anything on my way out because we were out in a flash. I almost thought Din forgot the kid with the way he tugged me out of the building.

       "What were you thinking?" he snapped once we reached the cool, night air.

        I shrugged, "I was thinking that she was a traitor to her family and mine. Listen, she carries a long history with her, one that I'm not too fond of. Let's leave it at that."

         "Fine."

        The docks were so empty at night. Or was it morning? It felt like we had accompanied Clan Kryze for ages. Each stare was full of threats, maybe even promises, of destruction. Bo Katan knew the weight of her words and how they would carry with Din. She knew that the child was everything to us and if she could use us to her benefit, she would.

       It wasn't like it would cause her any grief. She'd done it many times before. To her, people who suffered from strong emotions were simply pawns in her game. As though we deserved to suffer from loving something so much.

         The child, I mean.

         My family must be under some sort of Kryze-Curse where we are forced to do their bidding. I wish I could break it. I would like to be the last sort-of-Kenobi to suffer by their hands.

        The air smelled like fish. Dead fish. It was absolutely horrid yet the child couldn't get enough. He smiled sleepily as he breathed in the air. The moon lit up the dark sky and reflected across the vast ocean. The light rippled across the waves so perfectly, I almost thought it was a dream.

         As we journeyed towards the Razor Crest, the wood creaked. Every single step was followed by a small sound of it bending beneath our boots.

         Step.

              Creak.

                   Step

                          Creak.

         The monotonous sound was followed by the slight splash of the waves against the wood. It felt like the dock was moving with the water. Honestly, it probably was. Who knew how far down the posts went and the planet was almost entirely ocean. It wasn't such a far-fetched idea.

         We no longer had to await the painfully slow door of the Razor Crest thanks to the gaping hole that took its place. In some ways, it was nice. Still, a part of me worried about being robbed in our sleep. That is, if we had any valuables left.

         "We could get a motel room if you want," Din's gentle voice floated through the air. He sounded shy, almost ashamed of the state the ship was in.

         "No," I gave him a weary smile, "we'll just be careful. There may be more weird aliens out to kill us."

        He breathed out a huff of air, a quiet laugh if you could even call it that, and shook his head. "Right. As if you can't handle that."

         "If I can't, I know I have you right beside me," I held the child close to my chest as I sat on the edge of the cot. At least one thing was still intact. My eyes drifted to the small hammock above me as the child reached for it. His brown eyes were wide and his lips trembled as he struggled to grab it. I breathed out a soft chuckle and lifted him into it, pulling a small blanket over his body.

         He couldn't speak, I knew that. Or, at least he hadn't done so yet, but I felt gratefulness swarm my mind as though he was communicating subconsciously.

         "Go ahead and sleep," Din cut through the child and I's silent moment, "I'll keep watch."

         Of course, ever the gentleman. Or he still didn't trust me. I assumed it was the latter, but I wouldn't say anything. I didn't need to incite another argument, let alone bring up any questions about what happened today. Sure, he knew my history as a force-user but I didn't need any more questions. As far as he knew, I could move things with my mind, heal people, and had a 'laser sword.' That was enough for now.

          "Alright," I agreed with a friendly smile, "but I expect you to wake me up as soon as you're tired-" he started to speak before I started up again, "and you're taking the cot as soon as it's my turn. You can't get out of this one either. I'm not letting you sleep on the floor or in your chair."

         Din stood silent for a moment. His brain was undoubtedly searching for some excuse to avoid a somewhat decent night's sleep. Eventually, his head fell down with the chin of his helmet resting against his chest plate. A long, exhausted sigh escaped him, followed by a quiet, reluctant, "fine."

          "Wait, really?" My eyes grew wide as his simple agreement. He was never one to easily follow anything unless it was his idea, especially so quickly. I felt a short laugh bubble out of my chest, "have I finally tamed the wild Mandalorian?"

         "Stop," he grumbled.

          I held back my laughs as I stood up and circled him, "next up, we see a rogue Mandalorian, broken away from his pack. At first, he seems untamable. He's unable to be captured, but then! A Jedi? She's caught him, fed him, shown him all the true joys in life! Now, he has no choice but to become a domesticated Mandalorian, politely obeying every word the Jedi says-"

         His hand closed over my mouth, his other arm wrapped around my back to pull me near. "Not another word," he spoke quietly.

         "Apparently not as well trained as I thought. Maybe we need to teach him some manners," I winked and pushed his hand away from my mouth. My nose scrunched up in disgust, "and how to clean his clothes. Those smell rotten."

         "Well, I did fall in the ocean," he stated simply and pulled his arms back to his side.

         I snickered and sat back in the cot, pushing myself towards the back wall, "it's a good thing someone was there to save you, then. Must've been some beautiful, strong woman, right?"

         "Yeah," his voice came out breathy, but quickly went back into his regular, stiff tone, "too bad she's annoying."

         My jaw fell slightly, leaving my mouth gaping as I stared at him. A joke? A funny one too. I laughed and fell back in the bed. My head hit the thin pillow, bouncing slightly against the mattress. "Whatever," I rolled my eyes with a wide smile on my face, "just make sure you wake me up, okay?"

         I could hear a small hum in agreement as I shut my eyes. For the first week in Coruscant I was terrified to fall asleep. New places used to always scare me and I never showed my face before I was alongside Din. Now, I was safe. Everywhere I go, I know there is someone to protect me.

           Instead of succumbing to the aching pains of sleep like I used to, I drifted off easily with a smile on my face. I knew, no matter what happened between us, he wouldn't let anything get to me.

taglist:

@emiijemii​

[morkleemelon]

[1:56a.m.] - Tomorrow pt.1

Note: *listen to Markhyuck’s song clip from Vlive* Wauw this is the longest one I’ve ever written I think (and one of the most creative ideas imo) Pls pls pls feel free to comment/ message me what you think and any ideas about content you would like to see! Enjoy!

Trainee!Mark sat on the edge of his bed, strumming his guitar quietly as to try not to wake up his dorm mates, Donghyuck and Jeno.

He was supposed to show the company his composition skills later that day in the monthly trainee assessment, but he couldn’t get the right lyrics to fit the melody he had in mind.

“Na na na-na na na...ack!” he shook his head in frustration as the words wouldn’t come to him, raking his fingers through his neat black hair. Annoyed, he strummed the strings really hard and got a pillow to the face from Donghyuck. Muttering his apologies, he decided to head out to get some fresh air and buy a drink from the convienece store to clear his mind.

Mark grabs his wallet and keys, shoving them into his hoodie pocket and walked out, worried about how he could possibly make a song in approximately 7 hours. He was SM’s golden boy: they believed in him and he was talented and incredibly hardworking at just 15 years old. Lee Sooman himself said that Mark was one of his favorites and Mark didn’t want to let them down.

Walking tiredly into the convienece store, the door chimes and Mark rubs his eyes at the sudden bright lights. At that moment, he notices someone sitting in his peripheral vision and he glances over, eyes squinting from discomfort then widening immediately.

Pretty girl. Very pretty girl.

He stood there in shock, not able to move a single inch from the doorway which he stood, jaw dropped out of sheer awe at your beauty.

You were studying at the counter of the convienece store, your hair up in a messy bun and you were wearing an outfit you’d consider anything but beautiful. You had come here that night because the library had closed early, but you didn’t mind since it was at least nice and quiet. Being home was pretty distracting and going into high school this year, you had to start focusing more so you were working late into the nights. Your life was, in short, uneventful and you didn’t do much other than study. Little did you know, you had just become someone’s first love.

After what felt like 8282 years, Mark finally got it together and made his legs move. “One foot in front of the other, I got this. Don’t be a creep, Mark,” he cringed after he thought about how long he stood there staring at you. Thankfully, you seemed too invested in your book to notice.

Mark walked slowly around to the drink section, peeking through the aisles to try to sneak a look at you. Blindly opening the fridge and taking a random canned drink, he went to the front to pay, not changing his gaze from your direction.

“Boy... this is beer. Do you think I’m stupid?” the clerk questions, flabbergasted at the clearly underaged boy trying to buy alcohol at 2am.

Mark’s face snapped forward and he looked at the caned drink the clerk was holding up.

“Oh! Uh...um...uhhh...,” panicking, Mark’s cheeks turned bright red and he put both of his hands in the air and stole a glance at you. You had looked up from your book to see what was going on and made eye contact with the boy.

As soon as his eyes met yours, Mark’s legs went numb and he thought he could collapse right there.

You smirked at him and laughed slightly, seeing as he got caught so easily trying to buy a beer as a 15 year old and is now standing in the middle of the store with his eyes wide open and his hands in the air.

“Okayyyy maybe this is enough for today,” you decided and started to pack your things.

“Boy, I can’t sell this to you. You’re very clearly underaged don’t even try to give me a fake,” the cashier warned.

Mark snapped back to reality and put his hands on his knees, bowing 90 degrees furiously.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to get that drink. I wasn’t looking clearly,” Mark apologized, glancing back at you, who had nearly finished packing, “I’ll put it back right away I’m so sorry for bothering you. This won’t happen again!” Mark yelled as he grabbed the beer and ran back to the fridge, throwing it back where he found it.

Mark speed-walked towards the exit but was stopped by the clerk.

“Son... are you doing okay? Do I need to call your parents?” The clerk asked, now more concerned than annoyed.

“No no uh-”

The door chimed as you left the store.

“My parents are in Canada! No need to call! I’m fine!” Mark panicked again and rushed towards the exit, desperate for a chance to at least ask your name, where you went to school, anything.

“Wait what?? Are you homeless right now? WAIT”

Mark didn’t hear the rest as he gave up on being polite towards the cashier and ran out of the store.

The streetlight flickered and a cold breeze swept past his body as Mark stepped out of the building. The street was bleak and you were nowhere to be found, almost a perfect metaphor for how Mark felt right then. He wasn’t sure what it was about you that struck something so deep inside of him- but it felt so right. He didn’t know anything about you but everything in him was burning to ask you, to get to know you more. Mark slowly paced down the street, hoping that maybe you forgot something and would come back for it. Every time he tried to walk away, the “what it” brought him right back.

The sun began to rise as he finally accepted defeat and headed back to his dorm.

Nothing felt real to him at that moment, perhaps because of sleep deprivation but he knew that wasn’t it. Mark somehow ended up sitting on his bed with his guitar in hand, head spinning with thoughts about you. The image of you thoughtfully reading a novel, hand reaching back to brush a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

His hands began to strum the melody he had worked so hard on for the past few days.

“I can try tomorrow if you are here with me. Can I see you tomorrow?...”

Mark poured his emotions out into this song, the first song he ever wrote based on his true feelings. The more he played, more lyrics just came out and fit perfectly into the melody. He finished the song, concluding it with a bittersweet chord.

...

The producers loved it, promising Mark that they would consider letting him produce songs once they debuted. Mark snuck out every night to go to the convienece store, where he explained to the clerk that he is indeed not homeless, hoping that you would come back. You never did.

[to be continued]

[taste-in-music]

taste-in-music’s Year End Wrap-Up

Hello everybody! We’ve finally reached the end of 2020. While I’m glad to leave this miserable year behind, one of things that undeniably got me through it was the vast amount of awesome music we got. In past years I’ve made favorite album and EP lists, but this time around I’m going to tackle them all in one go, giving reviews on the projects that had some significances to me over the course of the year. I’m going to make a post for my favorite songs too, so keep an eye out for that in coming days. Now, without further ado, let’s get started, shall we?

folklore by Taylor Swift: This was an incredible year of growth for Taylor Swift. As much as I’ve enjoyed her past music, the way she constantly felt the need to address what people thought of her always irked me, (though after watching her documentary, I do understand why she did it.) It wasn’t Taylor Swift the public persona that was most interesting, I thought. It was Taylor Swift the artist, the songwriter, the storyteller. What I wanted was an album focused on that. This year, I got one, (well... more on that later,) and it’s my favorite project she’s ever done. The tales Swift spins on folklore span across love triangles, heiresses, and battlefields, and she nails each and every one. While the chilly indie-folk influence from the likes of Aaron Dessner and Justin Vernon is prominent, Swift’s warmth and charisma always cuts through the fog like a beam of sunlight. So yeah, this is my undeniable album of the year.

Fetch The Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple: I only started listening to Fiona Apple last year and had thoroughly enjoyed her music, but this album cemented her as one of my favorite songwriters and performers of all time. Everything about Fetch The Bolt Cutters is so idiosyncratic yet fits together in just the right way, like watching an entire house being dropped from the sky and falling perfectly into place. It is a testament to the creative process, emotional honesty, and breaking free from all the cages you may find yourself in, whether they be societal, personal, or those of your own making. And in a year that was so isolating, it felt like Apple was whispering everything I needed to hear right into my ear, just when I needed it. In short, my boltcutters have been motherfucking fetched. 

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers: When Punisher was announced, I had no clue how Phoebe Bridgers would match the quality of Stranger In The Alps. Upon first listen, I wasn’t sure she had. By the fifteenth time I was listening to this album and every lyric was hitting like Cupid’s arrow to the jugular, I knew she’d surpassed it. Punisher presents a sonic scope that both comforts and crushes all at once, like with the upbeat yet mournful horns on “Kyoto” or the cathartic swell on standout “I Know The End.” In my opinion, Bridgers is one of the greatest songwriters of our generation in the making, and I can’t wait to see what the future brings for her. She may know the end, but she’s far from it. 

SAWAYAMA by Rina Sawayama: This is the album I see becoming a new shorthand for the true potential of pop excellence, a cult hit that never got its time to shine but is beloved by pop music geeks to the ends of the earth, like EMOTION by Carly Rae Jepsen. SAWAYAMA so effortlessly blends diverse genres and influences like disco, nu metal, and arena rock, and it yet it remains cohesive due to Rina Sawayama’s sheer strength as a performer. She deserves a spot on the pop girlie hierarchy, and one near the top. 

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa: I really enjoyed Dua Lipa’s debut album, but even I didn’t expect her to come through with such a fully realized, consistent, downright fantastic follow up. Future Nostalgia is a pop album that feels studied, like Lipa did her research of pop’s past as she made it. The result is an album that synthesizes several different sounds under her vision, one that is always trained ahead, and it simply slaps. In a perfect world, nearly every song on this album got spun off into a hit single. 

evermore by Taylor Swift: 2020 was already my year of listening to Taylor Swift, (I went through her whole discography, cultivated a favorites playlist, and at the end of the year I was in the top 2% of her yearly Spotify listeners.) evermore was a lovely cherry to top it all off. While folklore enchanted me with its stories, evermore captivated me with its melodies. I haven’t been able to get snippets of this album out. of. my. head. for weeks now. It’s a bit less consistent than it’s older sister, (and likely to live in its shadow,) but there is still so much to love. 

I’m Allergic to Dogs! by Remi Wolf: This EP is so much goddamn fun. It’s a blend of many different sounds, indie pop, electronic, maybe hip hop, I think reggae at points? It’s such a colorful, textured, quirky listen bristling with energy and undeniable hooks. “Woo!” conquered my Summer, and months later the bridge of “Photo ID” conquered TikTok. Keep your eye out for Remi Wolf in the coming year, she’s going to make a big splash. 

Good At Being Young by Charli Adams: Good At Being Young was the first EP this year that I could not get enough of. It drifts through dreamy indie-pop sounds, with melancholic guitars and cloudy synths, and Adams has a deep vocal timbre that delivers tales of adolescent tribulations with just the right amount of wistfulness. Overall, it builds the perfect soundscape for a late-night drive.

Cape God by Allie X: Allie X has been keeping us FED with content. It seems like only yesterday that Super Sunset came out, and yet her output remains impressively consistent. This album has impressive highs, some lower moments, but the danceability, duets, and enticing darkness under its shiny pop veneer make it a record you won’t want to skip. 

La vita nuova by Christine and The Queens: Perhaps the biggest flex of 2020 was Christine and The Queens dropping a fantastic EP and accompanying short film right out of the gate. The grooves on this are infectious, wiry, and air-tight, (the Caroline Polachek feature was another added bonus,) but that doesn’t mean there isn’t plenty of emotional weight too. 

Lighter by Donna Missal: This was one of my most anticipated albums of the year, and it’s hard to determine whether it disappointed or not. I think the only thing holding Lighter back is that This Time was such a formative album for me, (my favorite of 2018, to the uninitiated.) In fact, this album flows way better than This Time, more cohesive with its storytelling and more consistent in folk-rock sound. And, of course, Donna Missal’s vocals stun on both the bangers and the ballads. 

SURF by BLACKSTARKIDS: There was no record this year that was more instantly likeable than this one. The blend of low-fi indie pop and hip hop makes for a whirlwind of sunny fun and youthful malaise that would make the perfect soundtrack for a road trip to the beach. Standouts include the opening track “SOUNDS LIKE FUN,” the chill “WIGS,” and blissful title track “MUSIC TO SURF TO.”

The Baby by Samia: I’ve had my eye on Samia since “Milk” dropped years ago. Seeing her live sparked my belief that she was an indie darling in the making, and The Baby confirmed that she definitely was. The lyrics on this album mix quiet contemplation with just enough sardonic wit and raw emotion throughout a varied selection of sunny rock bops and gut wrenching ballads. If you enjoyed Punisher, then I can’t recommend this enough.

Season 2 by Nasty Cherry: Nasty Cherry is a group that I will not stop rooting for. Their EP from last year showed their potential for nailing monster hooks, but this sophomore effort shows just how versatile they can be. This EP covers everything from Dylan Brady produced hyperpop to early-2000s reminiscent pop rock to emotional balladry, and they pull it all off flawlessly. 

A Little Rhythm and a Wicked Feeling by Magdalena Bay: This album became a fast favorite way late in the year, there is such a sweetness to Magdalena Bay’s music that makes it stick in your brain like a piece of blue raspberry bubblegum. This EP is spacey, catchy, and filled with electronic synthpop mastery, with countless catchy hooks that’ll make you feel like drifting and dancing all at once.

Miss Anthropocene by Grimes: The bubblegum bombast of Art Angels fully redefined my taste in pop years ago, so I was fascinated to see how Grimes would follow it up. On Miss Anthropocene, she leans into darker, more industrial textures, but also anchors it back to Earth with acoustic touches and some of her most introspective lyrics to date. Grimes painted a version of a world on the brink of disaster on this album, a picture that was hypnotically beautiful. And in a year where the word was a certified disaster, that was strangely comforting.

Plastic Hearts by Miley Cyrus: I’ve been wanting Miley to go rock for so goddamn long, Plastic Hearts was bound to make this list by pure validation alone. But what can I say? This breed of glossy 80s rock suits Cyrus’s rougher voice so well! I hope she stays in this lane a bit longer, but as we know, she’s one of pop’s most chameleonic figures. Only time will tell. 

Where Does The Devil Hide by Zella Day: I have been patiently awaiting new Zella Day music ever since getting hooked on Kicker back in 2017, so this was one of my most anticipated releases of the year. This EP sounds nothing like Kicker, and I couldn’t be happier. It shows Day leaning even more into her influences from the past, (the 60s/70s vibes are intense with this one,) but also breathing a refreshing new life into them. 

SOUL LADY by Yukika: When I imagine the ideal of pop music, what it would sound like in a perfect world, this is what it sounds like. SOUL LADY is full of pristine, glossy production and catchy hooks that feel like they’ve come down from the clouds. I’ll admit that I can have trouble forming a connection with music when I don’t understand the lyrics, (it’s something I’m working on,) but this album cleared that hurdle with ease. If you’re curious about city pop or K-pop this is a great place to start. 

Heaven Is Without You by Love You Later: Give me lush pop production and heartbroken lyrics finished off with a heaping helping of nostalgia and I’ll eat it up with a spoon. Love You Later has been feeding my addiction to this genre for years, and this latest helping is particularly sweet. 

IN A DREAM by Troye Sivan: Troye Sivan has always supplied the bops, but it was about time that he started experimenting with his sound a little bit more. This EP offers some harder-hitting electronic textures, but also the addictive hooks that’ll keep you coming back for more.

Ungodly Hour by Chloe X Halle: These women are so TALENTED! If there is any word I’d use to describe this album it would be “effortless,” the harmonies, grooves, and chemistry between Chloe and Halle feels so natural and free-flowing. Charisma just rolls off of them in droves, I see full-blown stardom and several Grammys in their future.

Watching You by Robinson: This EP was one of the first on this list to arrive this year, and it still hits months later. Robinson’s confessional lyrics work wonders over the buoyant pop grooves, and “Don’t Say” remains one of the best pop songs of recent years. 

Manic by Halsey: I respect Halsey for dipping her toes into a myriad of different genres, (synth pop, rock, hip hop, and acoustic balladry,) but it does make for a jumbled listening experience. Still, I appreciate that this album features some of Halsey’s strongest tracks and writing to date, offering greater experimentation and emotional imtimacy than album’s past. 

We Don’t Stop by Aly & AJ: Should this count? It’s more a compilation of their past EP and singles... I don’t care, I’m counting it because there’s some new stuff too. This is an excellent display of Aly & AJ’s pop prowess in recent years, the hooks, vocal chemistry, and shimmery production are undeniable. 

Under My Influence by The Aces: The Aces returned in 2020 with a more laid-back, groovier record than their debut, exploring a wider variety of sounds. They’re as magnetic and likeable a group as ever, each member giving it their all, but I think I’ll return to the debut more often. 

Strangers/Lovers by Dagny: I’ve been anticipating a longer Dagny project, as she’s been drip-feeding us singles for a while now. This was a lot of fun, with Dagny pairing her upbeat earnestness with stories of romantic tribulation. While the hooks aren’t as memorable as her past offerings, there is still so much to enjoy. Lead single “Come Over” and “Let Me Cry” are my favorites.

DUALITY by Tatiana Hazel: I came across this via recommendation on Tik Tok and it’s a solid pop record! The music is swooning, synthy, and tinged with disco and Latin influence. The record doesn’t waste a second of its runtime, clocking in at less than half an hour and grooving the whole time.

After Hours by The Weeknd: The sonic palette of After Hours is so engaging, a neon-drenched blend of synthwave, electropop, and R&B. I’ve always felt lukewarm on The Weeknd’s musical persona of brooding, villainous party monster, so the strongest moments on this album tend to be when he subverts that in some way. Still, in full, this album is an undeniable force of smash hits, stadium-shaking ballads, and cinematic flair. I can’t wait for his Super Bowl performance. 

Petrol Bloom by LAUREL: It’s no secret that this year was chock-full of 80s revival albums (there’s what, five others on this list?) LAUREL wasn’t an artist I was expecting to go in that direction after the brooding folk pop of her debut album, but her deeper timbre works great alongside the synthy soundscapes. 

positions by Ariana Grande: I’ve just come to expect that nearly all of Ariana Grande’s albums are going to be growers to me. My first listen to positions was underwhelming, but the songs have grown on me more and more. This album feels like being let in on a giggly, fun slumber party with Grande and her friends. I wouldn’t call this her strongest album by far, and while I tend to prefer when she favors the more powerful parts of her range, (and her enunciations could still use some work,) there is a lot of good material here. 

THE ALBUM by BLACKPINK: We may just have to stan. I checked this out after watching their Netflix documentary, and while this breed of cacophonous, in-your-face electropop isn’t something I can listen to all the time, the hooks and charisma are undeniable. It certainly makes me feel like a bad bitch whenever I’m working out. 

Kid Krow by Conan Gray: Conan Gray burst onto my radar offering dreamy tracks rich with teen malaise and suburban restlessness, and a good amount of that initial appeal carries over onto this album. Kid Krow has both a larger instrumental scope and more stripped-back moments. In the end, it still feels like Gray is finding his voice as an artist, but he's giving up great bops to jam out to as he does.

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams: Hayley Williams is one of my favorite vocalists, so seeing her venture out for a solo project was exciting. This album offers a mixed bag of danceable jams, emotive moments that showcase Williams’s powerful voice, and a few skips. But overall it showcases Williams’s strength as a performer as she tackles her past with vulnerability and versatility.

Apart by LÉON: Oh, man. This one was kind of disappointing. For context, LÉON’s self-titled debut was my favorite album of last year. This follow-up is by no means bad, but every song on her first album was instantly memorable. This one, not so much. LÉON’s vocals are beautiful, and there are some stand-out tracks, but I don’t see myself returning to this nearly as much. 

Blush by Maya Hawke: Maya Hawke’s Blush was to my 2020 what Tōth’s Practice Magic and Seek Professional Help When Necessary was to my 2019, (and that makes sense, as they’ve collaborated in the past.) This album is so blissful and nonchalant, and Maya Hawke has a gentle, soothing voice that feels wise beyond her years. While the writing isn’t as hard-hitting as, say, the Phoebe Bridgers album, sometimes I just want to listen to something that could rock me off into a dream world. If you like folksy, down-to-earth ballads, you’ve got a solid collection of them right here. 

Dedicated Side B by Carly Rae Jepsen: Of course Queen Carly would pull through with B-sides for Dedicated, did we expect anything less? Jepsen’s brand of controlled yet carefree shimmery poptimism drenched in 80s nostalgia that never fails to put me in a good mood. This album has some lusher, more tropical instrumentation than Dedicated proper, but works great alongside it.

Missing Person by Kelsy Karter: To the Plastic Hearts fans out there, your homework now is to give this record a listen. This rock album presents pop hooks, but a lot of reckless rock fun too. Kelsy Karter has so much irresistible swagger and carefree spirit as a performer, speeding through the emotional highs and lows like she’s burning rubber in a cherry red Cadillac. 

how i’m feeling now by Charli XCX: I’ll admit, this album was a bit abrasive to me on first listen. But tracks like “anthems” and “forever” made me return, and it’s a huge grower. If you listen closely, you’ll find the sugary-sweet hooks and relatable sentiments nestled deep in the crunchy hyperpop textures, begging to be discovered and eventually loved. 

Jaguar by Victoria Monét: If you enjoyed positions, then check out the debut from one of that album’s most prominent co-writers. Jaguar’s concise collection of silky R&B slow-burners show that Victoria Monet’s is a superstar in her own right. 

Some great albums I listened to that didn’t come out this year: Blue by Joni Mitchell, BLACKPINK IN YOUR AREA by BLACKPINK, I Need to Start a Garden by Haley Heynderickx, Plastic Beach by Gorillaz, Out in the Storm by Waxahatchee, 7 by Beach House, Dummy by Portishead, Lovers Fevers by Babygirl, and Red by Taylor Swift. 

Whether you liked, reblogged, or commented on a post, sent me an ask, or interacted with this blog in any way, thank you so much for all the support throughout the year! I can’t express how much I appreciate it. 

What were your favorite albums from this year? Did I miss anything? Send me an ask and let me know. I’ll tell you my thoughts, or put it on my to-listen-to list if I haven’t heard it. 

Here’s to 2021! May it clear the extremely low bar set by this year. 

[carlylala]

When Taylor Swift was released I was 16, I would come home in tears from being so left out at school… for being bullied time and time again, I got used to being on the outside, I cried thinking I would never have a place where I might fit in, where I would be able to be myself, where I would be heard, I ran from my life because I didn't understand it and then I discovered this singer with curly blonde hair and a guitar and somehow, it all felt like home.

Fearless, I was 18, I had moved out for the first time, I ran away from my problems, drank too much, hid from the world, disguised my tears, put on a brave face every single day and smiled even though I was broken. I cried listening to Breathe and Tell Me Why on repeat, wrote down the lyrics and hung them up all around my room… Once again, wondered if I would ever have a place where I would fit in.  Little did I know, Taylor’s music once again was and always would be my safe place. I screamed Change at the top of my lungs every single day, hoping that one day it would. I learnt how to be Fearless, and that’s a lesson I have taken with me in every day of my life since. 

Speak Now, I was 20, I was just starting to find my voice, which fit in so perfectly with Speak Now. I stood up for what was right even if my voice shook when I spoke, i learnt to have no regrets,  I cried listening to Mean 900 times in a day, for once I felt understood, I felt like I wasn’t alone…. I felt the power that they didn’t control me, I had the last say. Some days, I had to skip Never Grow Up, because I couldn’t handle my emotions and couldn’t accept what was going on around me, couldn’t accept that maybe I would never figure out who I was supposed to be and maybe I was growing up too quickly to progress my world. I cried myself to sleep listening to Long Live because once again, music saved me.

Red, I was 22, I was misunderstood, maybe because I didn’t know who I was… I was bored in life, I really was happy, free, confused and lonely… I didn’t know which way I was coming or going, every day was different, I woke up each day with a different purpose, a different message I wanted to project, a different person I wanted to be. I cried to All Too Well probably more than once a day, I learnt that it was never too late to Begin Again, I learnt that real love was possible even though I ran from my own, I ran so fast from most things, things i hated and things i loved, I tried too hard to fit in, i couldn’t accept again my world, so I ran back to music. I drove around and around with tears streaming down my face singing Treacherous, I cried to Come Back Be Here thinking I lost the one. The Lucky One mirrored parts of my life and it soon became my security blanket. This album became part of my every single day, i listened on my way to work, on my way home, and the messages that i learnt became part of how i lived my life. 

1989, I was 24, I was facing with hate that was unthinkable that destroyed me, I was in a new job where my whole life turned upside down, I couldn’t keep up, I was pleasing everyone, I lost my voice and my messages i told turned into what they wanted me to be, I learnt the act of hate in harder ways than I had ever experienced before, i moulded into what they wanted me to be, I couldn’t swallow and digest the things that had happened to me and I pushed them away, I ran as fast as I could and then Shake It Off caught me just in time. Clean was the friend I needed in the long drives and the dark nights when I was crying myself to sleep, New Romantics gave me hope, Out Of The Woods grabbed my hand and caught me right when I was just about to fall and it never let go.  I learnt to Shake It Off with my world falling down around me, it calmed my fears, it stopped the noise, my anxiety was on hold and it taught me that being myself was okay, and it still does. 

Reputation, I was 27, my life was falling apart, some really personal things were going on and this album mirrored every single thing I was feeling. it helped me up after my crash landing, it helped me brush off the dust, it helped me process my anger,  It helped me find my voice again, and it helped me find me again. It gave me the courage to speak up, it gave me the motivation to fight, it gave me a reason to keep moving and in the darkest nights, it gave me a new friend who would never leave. A time in my life, where I was getting older and yet I had never felt more alone, and yet, music was right by my side again.  

Lover, I am I’m 29, right now, my world is falling down around me even faster and more than any time it has before.. I didn’t think it was possible for things to get worse, but life does its thing and here we are… my scars are still healing, my bruises are still visible, and my cuts could still get infected. I am used to crying, I am used to the anxiety, I am used to being breathless, I am used to shaking in unfamiliar situations, I am used to holding back when you just want to scream, I am used to the stinging on my face the tears create,  I am used to that feeling of your stomach dropping, i am used to that feeling of helplessness,  I am used to the fears, I am used to the lump in the back of my throat, I am used to running, I am used to the long drives… but now I know my Daylight is coming.

Taylor, your music hasn’t always just been my escape, it’s my strength, my power, my soundtracks to each chapter I faced, it‘s part of my story. I love you so much. 

[borathae]

~Chapter 25~ Jesus Christ and i thought the last chapter was a rollercoasterride. When Jungkook said "you are the love of my life" now that...broke me. No joke I literally got chills when jungkook said that, like i am not joking. Also "No darling, i mean y/n" aaaah there it is again 👀 Also forehead kithes, yes.

🖤 Strangers - FLETCHER

When oc & kook started talking it just felt so real. Like how people that had such a special bond can become strangers again. Like when you were SO FUCKING close with someone you could talk about everything and now you don't even know how to start a conversation. "The way we ended it, you know it makes me sick how two people once could be so in love, now we never talk. [...] and I hate that I hurt you. What I know right now, I wish I knew then. [...] We started out as strangers, now we're strangers again."

🖤 No Right To Love You - Rhys Lewis

Jungkook knowing and acknowledging he fucked up, to the point where he feels like he doesn't even deserve ocs love anymore. "To jump was my decision, I've only got myself to blame. 'Cause I have no right to love you when I chose to walk away. I have no right to miss you when I didn't wanna stay and I have no right to need you. And I knew what my heart was gonna lose. I have no right to love you but I do. I still do."

🖤 Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

This one is just so fitting. Especially with the part where jk was really opening up about what oc really means to him and that he lowkey only sees a future with her. Like she really showed him what love feels like. "I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold." Alsoooo when he said that once he realised all that, he just had to come back, there was no other option. "Show me how to fight for now and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out. You were right here all along." And then the part of the song where it literally goes "you are, you are the love of my life" over and over again 💔 Also this line: "So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone." Jungkook is evolving.

🖤 What We Had - Sody

This would have fit the last chapter so much but I just discovered this song and I think this also kinda represents what Jungkook feels about the whole OC x Hobi situation. We see he's bettering himself in that he's trying to walk away from the situation and deal with his emotions alone instead of exploding in ocs face bc that is toxic. And he's very open about his feelings, communication is key in a healthy relationship. But still, he is jealous bc he loves oc and therefore obviously doesn't want to imagine her with another man. "I know I'm being selfish and I've got no right but I can't help thinking about you tonight. And I don't wanna say it 'cause I know it's bad but I don't want somebody having what we had. I know I'm being stupid but I just can't stop thinking that you're with somebody and I'm not." Also this part: "I've still got the pictures from the memories that we once made, can't seem to let them go, I thought that we'd grow old. Down to see you happy but I don't want to see you happy without me."

🖤 I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - Demi Lovato

I feel like this represents oc's feelings really well, like the way she's torn between wanting him back and struggling to forgive him. "I hate you, don't leave me. 'Cause I love when you kiss me. I'm in pieces, you complete me. But I can't back down, no, I can't deny that I'm staying now 'cause I can't decide, confused and scared." The song even talks about the physical touch part with which oc is struggling as well, wanting to be held by kook but at the same time being scared of what his touch ignites in her. "I hate you, don't leave me. I feel like I can't breathe. Just hold me, don't touch me." Also the ending of this chapter really felt like oc was trying to make sure that jk knows that she needs him and that it's definitely not fully over eventhough she's so torn. "I admit, I'm in and out of my head. [...] Just hear me out before you run away 'cause I can't take this pain, no. [...] Been abandoned, and I'm scared now. I can't handle another fall out, I'm fragile."

🖤 Side of My Heart - Katelyn Tarver

Same as with the song before. Oc struggling with her feelings. "Half of me wants to come over and spill every thought that's inside of my head. Half of me wants to unlearn every turn that would take to get into your bed. One foot on the gas, one foot on the brakes. One out the door and one trying to stay. [...] I can start telling myself once we get through the mess, we'll be stronger for it. But then I start thinking that if I was stronger, I wouldn't put up with your shit. One minute I'm sad, the next I feel crazy." And this "I need you all the way here or all the way gone", how oc got angry for a sec when jk told her he's leaving again.

Sorry these are getting longer everytime, I'm invested haha 😢✌

Okay first of all never apologize for your song recs getting long! Please I love them so much, you could sent in a whole novel and I would read every single letter of it 🥺💜  

 Strangers - FLETCHER

Okay first of all that song has such JKMusic vibes, which just adds a whole level of flavour to it omfg 🤧 Also no joke this is literally so them ommgmg. Like when the reader is all like “help why is it so weird talking to him? what happened?” that song could play in the background omfg 🤧😔 but also omfg this line “No time's the right time to reach out but here I go [...] all the things we said and couldn't take back, swear I never meant it, and I hate that I hurt you.” is so Jungkook and him struggling to reach out to here for months 😔

No Right To Love You - Rhys Lewis

I don’t even know what part to quote because the whole entire song is basically Jungkook in this chapter. Holy shit :( I am acHING HAHAHHAH you don’t even know how many times I listened to that song while I was writing this chapter. And then you go and rec it and I am just like 😩 we are sharing a braincell anonie 😔

Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

I don’t know what I should add here anonie. Your description and the lyrics you chose are literally perfect. There is nothing to add here other than :(( I am bIG SAD :(( 

What We Had - Sody

YES OMFG! First of all I 100% agree with you that this also fits perfectly with chapter 24 😔 also lisTEN HOW DO YOU FIND SONGS THAT JUST FIT SO 

R I G H T???

Like I am literally blown away, it’s freaking amazing and I am :( Also omfg this part “I've still got the pictures from the memories that we once made, can't seem to let them go.” if that isn’t them both realising that they both carried a part of the other with them. OC with the half-finished tattoo and the polaroid and JK with the finished drawing :( I am soBBING

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - Demi Lovato

😭😭😭 anonie lisTEN I AM GOING TO SMOOCH YOU hfhdshfh your description, the parts you quoted I am just wOw I couldn’t have said it better. Fuck you saying “ she wants to be held by kook but at the same time being scared of what his touch ignites in her.” I am ACHING 😭😭 aLSO THIS PART “Been abandoned, and I'm scared now. I can't handle another fall out.” if that isn’t her being all scared of giving in I am :(

Side of My Heart - Katelyn Tarver

This song is so beautiful omg, I teared up hahahah hELP lisTEN I am :( this shows her struggle so well, like especially that part “I need you all the way here or all the way gone [...] I want you to go and I want you to stay.” this made me think of when they were all like “guess that’s it then, the end of our relationship” and yet neither one of them stood up and left because deep down they both didn’t want their relationship to end. I am a broKEN WOMAN 😭

Thank you so much anonie, listening to those songs literally just made my day. I mean lol they did tug at my heartstrings, but it was a good kinda tug 🤧 seriously I appreciate you so much, I love you lots my lovely anonie 🥺💜💕

[kindredspiritsarentsorare]

Sun Tomorrow

*Because it’s book cannon that Gilbert and Anne lose their first child and after seeing Gilbert and Anne with Delphine I can’t handle the thought of this. A one-shot looking into Gilbert and Anne’s married life, pregnancy, loss of Joy, and how Avonlea responds. I am operating under the assumption that Anne and Gilbert would stay near enough for their friends to visit unlike in the books. The lyrics are from Sun Tomorrow by Ira Wolf. Also this is unedited and written in the span of an hour. So forgive the typos. I just had to get this out of my head.*

*TW Infant Loss, extreme grief*

The coffees ready if you'll have some 

'n breakfast should be finished soon

“Anne, I hadn’t realized you were up” Gilbert’s voice is soft, as if he were talking to an injured animal he feared might run if he weren’t careful. He walked into the kitchen slowly, eyes searching her face. 

“The coffee’s ready if you’ll have some,” Anne responds, voice flat. She’s still in her dressing gown, hair gently falling over one shoulder.

Finding her like this used to set Gilbert’s heart a flutter. He swallows, remembering mornings just a little over a week ago when everything was different. Before... Well, before everything changed. Anne would hum happily as she made coffee for Gilbert and tea for herself. Sometimes he would stop in the doorway and just watch her as she hummed, and smiled. 

Once he found her downstairs talking softly to her belly as she waited for the kettle to heat. 

“Oh my dear sweet little one, this world is so very lovely,” She had whispered, “So large, and grand, and exciting. I cannot wait for you to see it. And of course, it is a little scary at times, but don’t fear. You will find that life is much easier to manage when you have a family to help you through. And I promise I will never let you know what it feels like to be lonely. I will have experienced enough loneliness as a child for the both of us. Wait until you meet everyone. They are so very excited. Marilla, well she and Matthew will be beside themselves with joy. They will spoil you rotten I am certain, as any good grandparent should. Now, Bash and Delphine are eagerly awaiting you too. Delphine is ever so excited to have a cousin and Bash will be the perfectly mischievous uncle. God only knows the sorts of mischief he will get you in and out of. Diana, my dear sweet Diana, she and Jerry will be here with Cordelia at least once a week. You see, Diana and I have decided life will be perfectly wondrous if you and Cordelia are bosom friends like Diana and I are. A bosom friend will see you through all the wonders of childhood and beyond, dear sweet Joy. Cole, he has been in Paris for the last three months, but I expect we will see him at Christmas and he is so very excited to show you the wonders of art and beauty. He will take you to beautiful museums and teach you to draw. Oh Joy, if you’re an artist that would be grand.”

Anne had glanced up and met Gilbert’s eyes with a small smile, she rubbed her belly softly and whispered, “Now, as for your father, you’ll have the best one in the entire world. Oh he’s very kind, I assure you, and you will never have to fear going without as long as he lives. You see, he’s the wonderful good doctor. What else should I tell you about him? Well, he hasn’t a single red hair, so we shall hope you take after him in that regard. Oh how he will dote on you. You will never know what it is not to be loved and cared for. But don’t let me saying he’s a doctor put you off of him, Joy. He isn’t stuffy or boring at all, dear little one. No, he has the brain of a doctor, and is fiercely competitive of course, but when you see his eyes and his smile you’ll realize he’s a dreamer. He’s a kindred spirit, just like us. He is the one who makes all our dreams come to reality.”

Gilbert had smiled and strode across the room to kneel before Anne, placing a kiss on her lips and then on her belly. 

“Your mother has forgotten to mention the most important person,” Gilbert said softly, grinning up at Anne, “For you see, your mother is the one who has united all of these people into the wondrous little family you will know. I expect you know her quite well, since you’ve been with her your whole life, but let me tell you this, Joy, she is a marvel to behold. As long as you have Anne in your corner you will have nothing to worry about. She is a dreamer, and it was her who taught me how to dream. She is the most compassionate individual I have ever met, and if you were exactly like her I think the world would be a much more beautiful place.” 

Gilbert had looked at Anne then, with a hint of the boyish grin he’d used to give her then added, “Also, I pray every day your hair will be as vibrantly red as your mother’s.”

“Gilbert Blythe! You had best not!” Anne had exclaimed, swatting him playfully.

“It’s true,” Gilbert laughed, “Your hair is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like the warmth of a fire in a welcoming home. Besides, it’s what drew me to you in the first place.”

But all that was gone now. The memory caused a deep pang in Gilbert’s chest as he looked at his quiet wife in the kitchen now. He swallowed thickly, looking at Anne. 

“I never imagined so much could change in such a short amount of time,” Anne whispered.

“Nor did I,” Gilbert said, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He reached across the table and clasped Anne’s hand in his, looking into her eyes. She looked tired, older. There was something in her eyes that he imagined were reflected in his own. A sort of grief that would never fully leave either face for the rest of their lives. 

The paper called for sun tomorrow 

It looks like rain the whole day through

“The paper called for sun tomorrow,” Bash said, “maybe we’ll get some summer weather at last.”

“It looks like rain the whole day through,” Anne murmured, “I suppose it’s fitting. I don’t feel as though the sun should ever shine again. It would feel unfair.”

Bash said nothing, but placed a warm hand on her shoulder. 

“Papa! Can I come with you to the apple trees!?” Delphine called, skipping into the sitting room and wrapping her arms around his leg.

“Of course, Delpy. Let’s get yeh hat and we’ll head out.” Bash smiled down at her. 

Delphine smiled at him and started out of the room before turning around and running back to wrap her arms around Anne.

“Papa says the rain means the sun will shine even brighter when it comes out. I think that’s true for the rain in your heart too, Anne” Delphine whispered, before placing a kiss on her cheek. Anne felt a faint smile tugging at her lips, but mostly she just felt tired. 

“I hope so Delphine. I really hope so.”

“Will you be alright here alone for the day?” Bash asked as Delphine skipped out of the room. Gilbert had gone back to work that morning and Anne couldn’t expect him until dinner. 

“I suppose so. Diana said she would come visit around lunch. Is it wrong of me to hope Cordelia is staying with Jerry or Matthew and Marilla?” Anne asked.

“No, I don’t expect it is wrong. I expect everything you feel is natural. We make our way through grief as best we can it it doesn’t look the same for anyone. Do what you need to do to survive the waves.” Bash said. Anne nodded. 

Gilbert had protested going back only two weeks after Joy, but Anne had insisted. The sick and injured don’t stop being sick and injured just because tragedy had struck the Blythe house. Besides, Anne had told him, it wasn’t right for him to stay cooped up all day looking after her. And she thought she would like to be alone for some time. 

The morning left us both defeated 

The mailman left another bill

It had started normally, like every other birth. They had been sitting by the fire. Marilla had come to stay at the Blythe house a few days prior, knowing that Anne was due any day.

Marilla, Bash, and Delphine had gone to bed. Anne and Gilbert were sitting on the sofa by the fireplace. Gilbert was reading a book of fairytales to Anne’s belly and every so often kissing her forehead or her hand or her belly or her lips. Anne had laid her head back on Gilbert’s chest, dangling her bare feet over the edge of the sofa.

It had been the queerest feeling she had ever felt in her life. She didn’t know how to explain it but the feeling jolted her. It didn’t hurt necessarily, but it was quite odd. She had sat bolt upright with a gasp, grasping Gilbert’s knee in shock. 

“Anne, are you alright?” Gilbert had asked, leaning forward, searching her face.

“I- I- I think so. That was... Well, I don’t quite know what it was. But I expect Joy will be on her way quite soon,” Anne had locked eyes with Gilbert.

The hallway closests overflowing 

With all those shoes to big to fill

“Anne!? Darling? Are you alright!?” Gilbert exclaimed, rushing to his wife’s side. 

He’d gotten home from work early, Bash was still in the fields and Delphine was at school. He’d headed towards their bedroom when he had heard her sobs. He dashed into the room and found Anne kneeling on the floor, sobbing next to the bassinet that had yet to be removed. They hadn’t had the heart to move it yet.

Gilbert fell to his knees next to Anne, who had her face buried in her hands. He grasped at her shoulders pulling her upright. 

“Anne, are you h-- Are you injured?” Gilbert had almost asked if she was hurt. But he caught himself, of course she was hurt, “Darling, you haven’t started bleeding again have you?”

“No, No Gil. I’m not bleeding,” She sobbed, clutching something to her chest, “I just. Gilbert. These- I- Please take them away! Take it all away! I can’t bear to look at it any longer!” 

Suddenly he realized she was clutching a pair of baby booties.  

“where--” Gilbert started but Anne cut him off

“Cole’s package has only just arrived. He’d mailed it before... And I opened it... Look at-- They’re so perfect Gil. And now they shall never be filled. They shall never be worn!” Anne held out in shaking hands the two tiny booties for Gilbert to take. 

He swallowed and looked at his wife, tears pricking his eyes. 

“Gilbert Please. Take the bassinet. Take it all. Throw it out. I can’t look at it and I can’t bear to be in a room with all these... All these unfulfilled dreams.” Anne sobbed, throwing the booties into the basinet and turning back to him. 

“Of course. I... It’ll be gone by tonight.” Gilbert whispered hoarsely, gingerly placing a hand on the side of Anne’s face. She leaned into his touch, still sobbing bitterly. 

“Gil, I don’t think I will ever be happy again. Truly. I don’t know how I will go on. Without Joy... Life holds no meaning. It isn’t right. How can I be here when she is gone?” Anne looked pleadingly into his face. Gilbert didn’t think his heart was capable of breaking anymore, but it did. 

He swallowed, searching her face, trying to find words. Anne continued.

“How can we... How can anything ever be the same? How will we continue? How can I continue when she...I... She was a part of me. I... I felt her from the very beginning. She has been with me... I have...” The sobs overwhelmed her now and Gilbert pulled her into his chest, smoothing her hair and kissing the top of her head. 

It took Anne a good while to realize that he was trembling. His body wracked with sobs and he cried bitterly with her. 

“I am so sorry,” He cried, “I am so so sorry.”

Anne pulled back, searching Gilbert’s face.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Gil. This was not your doing.” She said thickly.

“Anne you say that, but I feel, I feel as if it is all my fault. I brought this upon you. I am the one who--

“No, Gilbert Blythe, you listen to me,” Anne cradled his face in her hands, tars streaming down her cheeks, “She came to us as a blessing. She was a product of our love. You did not bring this loss to me. And it is not a loss that is only felt by me. I may have carried her, and physically she may have been a part of me. But she was as much a part of you too. We have-- We both have lost something precious that can never be recovered.”

“Anne, I-- I shouldn’t” Gilbert swallowed trying to stop the tears, “I shouldn’t lose control of myself like this. I’m meant to be strong for you.”

“But I don’t want you to be strong for me. I want you to grieve with me, Gil!” Anne cried, “We both must walk this dark valley together. And I can’t bear to go it alone not knowing how you truly feel.”

Gilbert was overcome with sobs again and Anne clutched him to her as she felt her own tears still streaming down her face. 

“Anne, I feel as if, as if something has blown a hole clean through my chest and it shall never be filled in again.” He whispered after the sobs had quieted. 

“I know. I feel that way too. I feel as if the sun will never shine again. As though I will never have another happy day. Nothing could be happy without her in it.” Anne said, holding Gil’s hand. 

So whats that song you used to sing me what's that dance we used to do

It had been a surprise to the both of them. Anne stopped herself halfway through. Gilbert too looked shocked. He couldn’t even remember what he’d said as they walked through the crunchy October leaves. They had taken to walking the woods together in the evenings when Gilbert got home from work. Often they didn’t even speak. They just walked together because who else could know what they felt besides the other? This was the first time since Joy had gone that they’d walked Lover’s Lane, it had been too hard before, but some unspoken thing today had lead them both down that path.

They were talking about the old days, about before. Gilbert didn’t know what was said, but it had elicited a laugh from Anne and a laugh from him in response. It surprised them both. They hadn’t laughed together in nearly half a year. 

When he’d heard her silvery peals of laughter he’d barely recognized the sound. His own chuckle must have surprised her too, because they had stopped in their tracks, laughs dying in their throats and turned to look at one another wide eyed. The laughter was gone as quickly as it had come. They continued walking in silence after that down the hills until they reached the Avonlea cemetery. They paused by a tiny grave and Anne placed some mayflowers atop the tombstone.

“There was so much I wanted to show you, dear one,” Gilbert murmured, kneeling and placing and hand on the etched name, “So many things I longed for you to know.” He felt Anne’s soft hand on his shoulder and rose to his feet, wrapping his arms around Anne and resting his chin atop her head.

--

“Gilbert?” Anne whispered in the dark, clasping his hand in hers.

“Mmm. Anne? What is it?” He asked drowsily.

“What is the song you used to sing to us? Joy and I?”

“It was a lullaby. One my mother used to sing to me.” Gilbert said, awake now.

“Gil, could, could you please sing it to me again?” Anne whispered. 

Gilbert swallowed, and leaned up on a forearm before he quietly sang:

“Tommy was a Piper's Son and fell in love when he was young”

Anne kissed his palm. Gilbert brushed his hand over her cheek and placed a lingering kiss on lips before continuing.

“But all the Tunes that he could play,Was, o'er the Hills, and far away.”

Anne kissed him softly then and it wasn’t until a good while later when Gilbert was stroking her hair as she rested her head against his chest that he said “Anne, do you think we shall ever be truly happy again?”

“I don’t know,” She said after a pause, “But I suspect that we will, even if we always have a hole where our Joy should be.”

“I shall always have a place in my heart for her,” Gilbert murmured, “Our darling daughter. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I shall see her again someday.” 

“Gilbert,” Anne whispered, “Sometimes I fear I shan’t recognize her when I do see her again. What if she has become a stranger to me after all the time as passed?”

“Anne, darling, I don’t suspect we shall ever be unable to recognize her. God must be able to do better than that.”

“Better would have been if he’d allowed us to keep her.” Anne whispered bitterly. 

Is this house quiet or just empty 

Do you hear the silence as I, As I do

“Gilbert, I’m scared.” Anne had whispered to him, clutching the post of the bed as she waited for the next contraction, “I don’t think I can do this.”

“I dare say it’s too late for those kinds of thoughts,” Marilla had said. Gilbert had woken her when the contractions really started going.

“If anyone can do this, Anne, it will be you,” Gilbert had said, kissing Anne atop the head and looking into her eyes, “You are the strongest person I’ve ever met and I’ll be here the whole time.”

Anne had merely nodded and clutched at Gilbert’s forearms as another contraction came on.

--

“Breathe, beautiful girl, like we practiced, Anne.” Gilbert said, his face serious. 

“I see I’ve arrived just in time for the fun,” Dr. Ward had said as he walked into the bedroom. Anne had been insistent that Gilbert would deliver their baby, but Gilbert had wanted Dr. Ward to be there just in case. He was a doctor, but this was his wife and Gilbert thought he may need another doctor for those moments he needed to be a husband first.

It had been a long labor, but Anne had managed it beautifully.

“You’re nearly there Anne-girl. Just another push and she’ll be here,” Gilbert has said. 

“We don’t know-- it’s a girl.” Anne had cried, but gave up the rest of her sentence as another contraction came. 

“We do now, darling. It’s a girl. A little girl.” Dr. Ward had said and Gilbert had let out a breathy laugh that sounded almost like a sob. 

Anne had cried then and laughed, and clutched Marilla’s hand. 

“We’ll call her Joy, Marilla, because she has brought such joy to our lives,” Anne said and Marilla’s eyes had gleamed with tears. 

She glanced down to the foot of the bed where Gilbert held the child, a dreamy smile on her face. It had taken a moment for Anne, so exhausted, and overwhelmed, to realize that he wasn’t smiling. In fact, he was quite pale. 

“You aren’t going to faint, are you Gil?” Anne had asked, with a smile. He said nothing, but whispered something to Dr. Ward instead. 

“Well, won’t you let me hold her?” Anne had said, slowly registering that something felt wrong. 

Gilbert met her eyes then and she would never until the day she died forget his face. He let out a breath, almost like a cry, his mouth slightly agape. That’s when Anne realized she had yet to hear a cry. 

“Gilbert, please tell me you’re about cry tears of joy.” Anne had said, struggling to sit up. Gilbert looked between Anne and the tiny bundle in his arms and didn’t say a word. 

“Oh my lord.” Marilla had gasped. 

Dr. Ward’s face was solemn. 

“Gilbert, what is it?” Anne had whispered. 

Gilbert looked like a man half drowned. he looked at Anne and the words wouldn’t come. Dr. Ward had placed a hand on his shoulder and looked at Anne.

“I am so sorry, Mrs. Blythe.” He had said.

“What. What do you mean?” Anne had asked, “Gilbert, please give her to me!” Her voice was shrill.

“Anne,” Gilbert said, a look of horror on his face, “Oh, Anne.”

“Gilbert. Let me hold my baby this instant!” Anne had cried.

“Anne, she’s- Oh my god” Gilbert’s voice was not his own, he swallowed, “Anne, she’s gone.”

“No,” Anne had said, shaking her head, “No. She can’t be gone. She’s right there. You’re holding her.”

“Gilbert, let-- Let her see the child.” Marilla had said. 

He had crossed to the side of the bed in a daze. And sat on the edge of the bed with Joy’s quiet little body in his arms.

“Let me- Let me. Oh god. Gilbert let me hold her please.” Anne had sobbed. She took Joy from his arms. Gilbert felt numb. He barely registered Anne’s cries as he looked at the tiny, perfect, motionless infant in her arms. 

“No. No No No. You’re okay, it’s okay. Joy, it’s alright. Gilbert, tell me it’s alright. She’ll be fine, won’t she? Won’t she?” Anne had cried, clutching his arm. 

Gilbert had felt his world collapsing around him. He couldn’t find the words. He merely looked at Anne. And that was how she knew the unimaginable had happened. 

You dont say it like you mean it And I dont mean it like I say

“Merry Christmas, Anne-girl,”  Gilbert whispered. placing a kiss on her freckled cheeks. 

“Mmm. Gilbert. What time is it?” Anne murmered.

“Does it matter? It’s Christmas morning, love.”

“Marilla expects us for Christmas dinner. I’d like to get there early to help her cook.” Anne said, opening her eyes slowly, “And merry Christmas to you too.”

“Anne,” Gilbert had said later that day as they were walking to Green Gables, Delphine and Bash walking ahead of them.

“Yes, Gilbert?” Anne had asked,

“I can’t help but think about... well about...” Gilbert trailed off.

“What this Christmas could have been? What it should have been?” Anne asked, glancing at him and taking his hand. 

“Yes,” Gilbert sighed. 

“I have begun to think,” Anne said quietly, “That there will always be part of us missing, Gil. A part where she would have been. But perhaps just because that piece is missing... That hole is there... Well... It’s like a quilt. Even if the hole is there it might still be useful. It can be patched over and made useful again.”

“I don’t think the hole she has left us with will ever be filled, Anne,” Gilbert said,

“No, no I know it never shall be filled. But the hole in the quilt is still there. But we mend it with a patch and it can be useful again. And I suspect she wouldn’t want us to be sad our whole lives through... But sometimes I feel so guilty. When I laugh, or when I smile. I feel as if it is tarnishing her memory, depleting how much she meant to us.”

“I feel that way too, but I don’t think it’s true,” Gilbert said, taking Anne’s hand in his, “It is unfair and things will never be the same... But we can find joy again. We can cherish her even in our happiness.”

Anne nodded slowly, “I suspect you’re right.”

--

Christmas at Green Gables wasn’t the same as it had been before, but Anne and Gilbert tried to find joy where it could be found. It began to snow during dinner, enough so that it was too treacherous to walk back. Anne, Gilbert, Delphine, and Bash would stay the night, Marilla insisted. 

Delphine sang Christmas carols by the fire and Bash told stories of Mary. Anne read her a fairytale, and when she began to doze off  on the braided rug Bash bid everyone a goodnight and carried her upstairs. 

“Anne, your room has been made up for you and Gilbert,” Marilla said before retiring for the night. Matthew gave her a kiss on the cheek and headed towards his room. Before he made it out of the living room though, he turned around. 

“I. Um.” He started. 

“Mr. Cuthbert, are you alright?” Gilbert asked.

“Yes. I just. I wish to say something if I may,” He said. 

“Of course, Matthew, what is it?” Anne asked.

“I.. It’s a real shame that Joy isn’t here right now. And I don’t think anyone can ever justify her being gone,” Matthew said, a tear running down his cheek, “Loss is unkind, and it is unfair for this to have happened to you, to the both of you, and after all you two have been through. But I believe, we must be happy in spite of it. We ought to be happy because that li’l one would have wanted us to. Anyway. I’ll be off.”

Anne ran to kiss him on the cheek. 

The morning left us both defeated 

And its just been one of those days

“Gilbert,” Anne whispered one day in May,

“Yes, Anne?” Gilbert said, glancing up from the book he was reading as he leaned against the trunk of a tree. They were having a picnic since the weather had finally warmed. 

Anne stood a little ways away, she had been holding some flowers she was making into a flower crown but had dropped them in surprise. She swallowed and looked back at Gilbert. 

“Anne are you alright?” Gilbert asked, brows furrowed. 

“I’ve been keeping a secret.” She said suddenly “But I don’t think I can keep it any longer.”

“Oh? What would that secret be?” Gilbert asked, sitting his book down and giving Anne his rapt attention.

“Gilbert, I... I just... I’m so frightened that I didn’t want to tell you... In case... I couldn’t... Not yet... But I’m so frightened now that I can’t keep it any longer.”

“Anne are you alright? What’s wrong?” Gilbert rose to his feet and held Anne by the shoulders.

“Gilbert, I... I... I was so scared to hope... But...” Anne said shakily. 

Gilbert searched her face, “What are you talking about? What have you been keeping from me?”

“Gilbert... I... We... I... We’re going to have a baby.” Anne said softly.

Gilbert froze for half a second, then he let out a shaky breath.

“Are- Are you certain?” He asked,

“Very.” Anne said.

“How long have you known?” Gilbert asked, clutching her to him in a hug.

“A few months now.” Anne said, starting to cry.

“Oh my god, Anne why on earth didn’t you tell me?” Gilbert gasped.

“I was so frightened after... After Joy. I dared not hope. I thought I was mistaken and then I just couldn’t bear to think of it. I have been so afraid. But I... I just... I wasn’t ready for it to be real.”

“Oh Anne,” Gilbert’s voice trembled and when she looked up at him he was crying, “Darling Anne-girl.”

And he kissed her. He kissed her nose and her mouth and her forehead. He kissed her hands and then he knelt before her and kissed her belly. 

“Gilbert, I’m so scared. I’m afraid to hope.” Anne said, tears streaming down her cheeks, “I’m terrified this joy will be taken from us too.”

“We can’t think that way, Anne,” Gilbert said, rising to hold her again, “We have to hope. We mustn’t be afraid.”

So I'll have dinner on the table 'n you can help me pur the wine

The paper called for sun tomorrow 

If we make it through tonight

It was a few days before Christmas when Gilbert knocked on Bash’s door at 3 am. 

“Is it Anne?” Bash asked, jerking the door open, “Shall I fetch the Dr. Ward?”

“Bash,” Gilbert said, he looked breathless and dazed.

“Blythe, tell me she’s alright.” Bash said, “The baby? Is the baby alright?”

“I’ve only just come to tell you,” Gilbert said, his face suddenly breaking open into the widest grin Bash had seen in a long time, “That I’m sorry you’ll be losing quite a bit of sleep over the next few months on behalf of a wee little man who has only just arrived this morning. He and Anne have sent me to give you their apologies for the crying. He has quite the set of lungs on him.”

--

“Can I see him!?” Delphine asked, poking her head into the bedroom. 

“I expect you must,” Marilla said, with a smile.

“Oh darling Delphine, come meet our darling Johnny.” Anne said, her face was tired but radiant. She and Gilbert both looked as if dawn had finally broken. 

“Anne?” Delphine asked a few moments later.

“Yes, Delphy?”

“Is John going to replace Joy?”

Anne and Gilbert’s eyes met. Marilla pressed her lips together and turned her head away. 

“No,” Anne said slowly, “I don’t suspect anyone will ever be able to take the spot of our dear sweet Joy.  John has his own place, my dear, wee man-child. But little Joy has hers, and always will have it. If she had lived she would have been over a year old. She would have been toddling around on her tiny feet and lisping a few words. I can see her so plainly.”

Anne turned to Gilbert now and clasped his hand in hers.

“I used to fear that when I meet her again one day I shouldn’t recognize her, but I see now that can never be true. I watch how she grows every day. I follow her development week by week. She shall never be a stranger to us.”

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 12: Ex’s And Oh’s

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Be My Only)

…in which their relationship is no longer a secret.

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Chapter 11: When The Morning Comes - Harry has a special surprise for his girl.

Wattpad link

A/N: I was going to include some flashbacks, but I thought they would fit the next chapter more so I decided to save them for the next chapter. Enjoy!

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Y/N still couldn't believe this was real. It seemed like it'd only been yesterday that she and Celine had been two little girls dreaming of growing up, now here they were, at Celine's wedding. Twelve years had passed like a beautiful daydream.

The ceremony was held by the lake behind their secondary school. On that sultry day in mid-July, the lake was as flat as a giant mirror and the air was pungent with the fragrance of jasmine. The last time Y/N had been here was with Harry for their first date, so now she was trying not to think about the events of that night while being surrounded by Celine's and Amala's family.

Before the ceremony, Celine had insisted that she and Y/N got ready together. They'd done each other's makeup and put flowers in each other's hair like when they were little. And Y/N had cried a lot despite having told herself not to shed a tear before the 'I do's. Celine had tried to comfort her, but in the end, both of them were crying.

Nine-year-old Celine had wanted to become an actress, and nine-year-old Y/N had wanted to marry the boy next door. Even though that dream didn't come true for Celine, she had found her new dream in Amala. Now Y/N couldn't help but wonder if it would be the same for her. She hoped she was a different case, because she couldn't imagine standing at the altar with anyone else but the boy next door named Harry.

With wind in her hair and a smile on her face, she looked around, at the dresses and the suits and the faces of the attentive guests. If Harry had been there, he would've been watching her instead of the brides, and she would've motioned him to stop staring, knowing for certain that he wouldn't.

But Harry wasn't there. Instead, she spotted another familiar face at the third row across the aisle. Isaac pressed his lips into a small smile and waved at her as she did the same. With his golden hair pushed back, he shone among the guests, and she thought that blue suit looked great on him. It was a shade darker than the color of his eyes but it helped brighten them, and even from this distance, she could see those eyes sparkle in the last pink light of the day.

It was hard to tell if he'd been watching her this whole time, or they had just made eye contact by accident. However, she didn't allow herself to overthink. She was just glad that he'd decided to come.

"...with the joining of hands and the giving and receiving of rings, I now pronounce you, partners for life."

All the guests got up for a standing ovation, and petals were tossed in the air as everyone was cheering for them. Breaking the kiss, Celine enthusiastically told all the bridesmaids to take a couple of steps back. This was definitely Y/N's favorite part of a wedding. Although she wasn't going to participate, she still wanted to see the single ladies fighting each other for a chance to be the next bride. It would be hilarious.

On the count to three, the bouquet was thrown above them, and all the bridesmaids except for Y/N rushed forward, attempting to grab it. Ironically, it flew straight toward Y/N. She caught it with reflexes so fast that she didn't realize she'd had it in her hand, until one of the girls said, "Y/N is next!" And everyone was clapping and whistling for her.

Holding the flowers and smiling from ear to ear, she turned around, once again, making eye contact with Isaac. Both of them shared another awkward smile before looking away, and didn't exchange a word until the wedding reception.

The night was falling, but the guests hadn't lost their energy. The room which held the wedding reception buzzed with the excited chatter of adults and the laughter of little children running between tables. Soft music was playing while couples were slow dancing near the stage, as were Celine and Amala, who had got lost in their own world with their heads on each other's shoulders. Y/N was one of the few who stayed seated, for she didn't have to be on the dance floor to have fun. She was fine here, with a drink in her hand, observing the others and mumbling the lyrics of the song she knew by heart.

Beauty queen of only eighteen She had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her She always belonged to someone else

"Hey."

The voice grabbed her attention. She looked up, blinking fast as Isaac towered over her and offered his hand.

"Dance with me?"

"Only if you don't mind me stepping on your feet." She beamed.

Shaking his head, the man chuckled. "Let's step on each other's feet then."

I drove for miles and miles And wound up at your door I've had you so many times But somehow, I want more

The last time they had slow-danced together had been at her father's wedding a year ago. Neither of them was good at it, but they had gotten much better since. In the middle of the room, they swayed lightly, not skillfully, but at least they knew what they were doing. Her hands were placed on his shoulders, and his on her waist.

"I love this song," he spoke, breaking the silence between them.

"You know this song?"

"Of course I do."

As if he feared she would not believe him, he started singing along with the wedding singer. His voice was low and soft, almost similar to Harry's singing voice, but at the same time, very distinct. It was strange that she'd never heard it before.

"I love Maroon 5," he confessed with a bashful grin. Y/N should've known that already, but sadly, she didn't. He had never mentioned it until tonight.

So now it was clearer why they hadn't worked out. They didn't know each other as much as they thought they did.

I don't mind spending every day Out on your corner in the pouring rain Look for the girl with the broken smile Ask her if she wants to stay a while And she will be loved And she will be loved

"You've gotten so good, Smiley."

The comment made her chuckle. "At dancing?" she gasped. "God no! I think it's you who's gotten so good that you think it's me. I'm not even comfortable in these heels."

"Oh." The man tilted his head to look at her feet, his brows arching when he saw the Christian Louboutin shoes. He must've known how expensive they were from the first glance since he worked for fashion magazines, with A-list models. A student like her could barely afford her own rent, let alone these shoes. She was glad he didn't ask her how she'd got them.

"If they hurt you, you could just take them off," he said, making her giggle.

"Then I'd be too short for you and it'd probably strain my neck."

Isaac laughed as the girl scrunched up her face. If she'd been honest though, she would've said Harry had bought these for her, and it wouldn't feel right to promise to wear them and then discard them halfway through the wedding reception. She couldn't bring up Harry without making this awkward for them both.

"Are they a gift?"

"From a friend, yeah."

Isaac didn't comment on her vague answer and went on, "they're probably in the wrong size."

"No, they fit perfectly." She shook her head, trying not to sound so defensive. "It's psychological, I think. I'm probably not used to wearing such expensive shoes."

Isaac snorted, saying he understood and then added, "it might be difficult to walk in them now, but as long as the shoes fit you and you love them, you will get used to them."

She knew he was still talking about her shoes, but her mind instantly linked his remark to something else. And now she couldn't stop thinking about it as they kept on dancing, using the music to fill the missing conversations.

And she will be loved...

.

.

.

Meanwhile, dusk was slowly falling in the city of Paris.

As the street lights clicked on, Harry crossed the Seine and walked right down the centre of the street, not far away laid The Eiffel Tower. Every time he came to Paris, he would just wait until sunset to stroll around the city. Paris looked magnificent at night and he always enjoyed the evening chill more than the warmth of the day.

He used to date a French model, and this was Ruby's second home, so he knew pretty much everything about Paris. But this time, the city of love felt like a stranger. Whenever he was missing someone, all the places he knew so well would become unfamiliar. No matter if it was Paris, London, or even his hometown Holmes Chapel. Without her, everywhere would be foreign.

Walking past a crowd of tourists, he turned up the music playing through his earphones, quickened his pace and a corner of his mouth quirked up as Love Song by Lana Del Rey came on. Before he left, Y/N had made him a playlist so that every time he listened to it, he would think of her. They didn't share the same music taste, but slowly and strangely, these songs began to grow on him, and now he knew all the lyrics and some of them had become his favorites.

What was she doing now? He wondered while waiting for the green pedestrian traffic light. He hoped she was laughing and drinking with her high school friends, and for once didn't have to worry about anything or anyone, even him. But then again, his possessiveness took over, and he couldn't help but fear that she would have too much fun with Isaac. Friends or not, he didn't like to see them together, and that was something he could and had only admitted to himself.

He and Ruby had been a mistake from the start. Isaac and Y/N, were different. Isaac had (maybe still) truly loved Y/N, and she could always go back to him if it didn't work out with Harry. The thought frightened Harry, making him feel like their relationship was hanging by a thread, especially now that a photo of them kissing had got out. It was always the things he couldn't control that hurt him the most. So what if his love wasn't enough to keep her? What if they had to say goodbye when they still had so much love for each other? What would he do with all that love if she was no longer there to receive it? There was no way he could give it to someone else. It would always be her. It had always been her.

He snapped back to reality when a taxi driver cursed him for crossing the road a few seconds too soon. Quickly, he apologized and dashed forward before he got run over. It wouldn't have been right to get through a day in Paris without coming across a grumpy taxi driver. Welcome to France, he thought.

Fifteen minutes later and he was back to his hotel. He had to be on set at 6 AM, therefore, he should go to bed early. The wedding reception would keep Y/N busy, so he might as well have some alone time for himself, even though he'd rather see her face and hear her voice.

But right as he entered his room and shrugged off his jacket, the loud ringtone made his steps falter. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and heaved a long heavy sigh at the name.

Ruby.

He should've blocked her number a long time ago, but then again, he remembered that he'd tried and he couldn't. So he hesitated, staring at the screen while the ringtone kept on playing. Half of him wanted to ignore it, the other half was worried that she might be in trouble.

It had been that way from the start. Her seeking help and him coming for the rescue. He had gone through hell and back for this woman but when would he ever learn?

With a sigh, he picked up, and she greeted him with the breathy sound of his name. "Harry..." she sniffled. He guessed she was three sheets to the wind now. "I need to talk to you. I know I shouldn't be calling you when I'm like this but...fuck...I'm sorry...I just—What does she have that I don't?"

"You're drunk, Rubes," his voice was strained and his eyes squeezed shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hang up the phone and go to sleep."

"Can't..." She chuckled wryly. But right before he could scold at her, she hung up, leaving him startled. Then, there was a knock on his door.

"Harry."

It was Ruby. She was right outside. Harry was agitated as she knocked louder and the called his name more desperately.

When he opened the door, she lost her balance and stumbled forward, thank God he was there to catch her. His arm came circled around her waist and pulled her up before she hit the floor. Kicking the door closed, he helped her stand with her back against it, but she moved closer, attempting to kiss him. He reared back from her in an instant, grabbing her wrist and pushing her away.

"God, you're a fucking psycho," He murmured, taking her upper arm. "Let's go. I'm driving you back to your hotel."

"No!" she screamed, shoving his chest back. Anger crossed his face as he caught her arm again. The helpless look in her bloodshot eyes instantly brought him back to their first night together. In only a matter of seconds, the memories flashed before his eyes, freezing him to the spot.

He saw them sitting in a bar. It was 3 AM, and she refused to go home. Her boyfriend at the time had never hurt her the way her stepfather had when she was sixteen, but his words had hit like a fist. As someone who had been physically abused since she was so young, she'd grown used to physical pain. There had been a period when she'd been addicted to inflicting pain on herself. People would call her brave for surviving, but little did they knew, it was the unseeable wounds caused by those painful memories that killed her every day. She'd seen a few different therapists, but eventually found better comfort in the wrong places — in the drinks and cigarette smoke.

That night a few years back, she had been crying, and he had held her in his arms, and the next thing they knew, they were fucking in his hotel room. For them, sex had never been sensual and slow, it had always been hot, hard and intense. He had thought that if he couldn't have her love, mind-numbing sex would do. But he regretted it now. All of it.

He knew when she came here, she had expected a different ending to their story. But it had begun with alcohol, a distraught Ruby, and sex, so it would just end the same. Only this time with her being drunk and heartbroken. He couldn't give her that one last thing she needed.

"You don't love her...you...you can't..." She shrugged his hand off to claw at her throat and sink to the floor, sitting with her knees to her chest.

"Yes, I do," he said. He hated that he hurt her, but those were the words she needed to hear right now. He just couldn't figure out how to make her understand them.

"You're lying," she trembled, shaking her head nonstop. "You can't love her...She just...She'd been missing from your life for years and then came back out of nowhere and suddenly she's the love of your life?! It doesn't make sense."

"Stop," he warned, still she kept going.

"What does she have that I don't?"

"Don't talk about her."

"She's a fucking child. She doesn't know how to handle you."

"Fuck you! What did I just say?" he finally snapped, his eyes darkened with rage, but it didn't scare Ruby as she pushed herself off the ground and stepped toward him.

"We were perfect together."

She attempted to touch his face, but this time, he grabbed her shoulders and pinned her to the wall. As he looked into her eyes, he felt...nothing. Where there used to be love, which turned to hate, which turned to guilt, then pity, now was just a void. From the consternation swimming in her eyes, he thought she was gradually seeing it through, and if he let go, she might just collapse.

"Being with you was like waiting for a bomb to go off," he began, his voice was brittle and lifeless. "I always felt like I loved you more than you loved me. I loved you so much, so fucking much that I would've died for you, Rubes. I would...I would've died for you..."

"Har—"

"You had a choice and you chose to leave. So now it's time for me to choose. And I choose her."

When Harry finished, he stepped back, letting her go as his arms came down to his sides. Although she managed to stay on her feet, she looked no better than a corpse as she gave him a quivery smile. "So would you die for her?"

"I would live for her," he said. "She saved me."

Ruby couldn't have expected that response, so she just stared at him open-mouthed, stuttering, pallid. She looked at her toes before glancing back up to catch his eye. "I'll go now," was all she could say.

"I could give you a ride."

"No, thank you." She waved him off. "I'll call my chauffeur."

Just like that, she was gone, and he felt a sense of relief as the door fell shut.

.

.

.

That night, Harry could barely sleep.

He knew he'd done the right thing, and there couldn't have been a better way to cut Ruby off for good. But now that it was over, he was even more alarmed than before. Lying awake and staring at the ceiling, he imagined dark clouds forming above his head, and his intuition told him something bad was about to happen. It was only a matter of time before it did.

And it did.

One of the guests at Celine's wedding had posted a photo of Isaac and Y/N slow dancing at the wedding reception. The person had tagged Isaac because she or he had easily recognized 'the famous photographer'. Isaac had fans, many of which were Harry's too. And one should never underestimate the power of social media. It took only one second to share a post and ruin someone's life. By morning, the photo and many theories had surfaced the internet as some people had discovered that Y/N was the same girl he'd kissed at his birthday party.

It was during his lunch break that his manager texted him about 'the new photos'. He hadn't gone on the Internet for two days so he didn't know what Jeff was talking about. But now it finally dawned on him that 'the new photos' was the reason his co-stars had been treating him differently. They had been nicer than usual, and he had been too ignorant to notice.

Scanning his eyes around the room, he began to feel on edge as if all the surrounding whisperings were about him. The many disembodied voices were penetrating in his ears, so he snuck through the fire exit door and found himself sitting on the staircase, checking his phone. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so afraid to go online, for he wasn't new to the toxicity of the internet. Still, it wasn't just him this time. He'd also dragged Y/N into this mess.

There wasn't just one, but five different photos of them at his birthday party, taken from the same angle as the one that got leaked a while ago. But these were in much better quality. Harry could only scroll down to the fifth comment on the post of the update account, when he began to feel dizzy. Some assumed Y/N was cheating on Isaac with him. Some suspected that Y/N was just another one-night stand. But the majority believed that she was using him.

For them, Harry Styles, the man who had stolen somebody else's fiancée and never had a relationship that lasted more than a couple of months, was incapable of committing to someone who loved him as much as he loved her. Years of media training had prepared him for worse scenarios than this, and normally, the women he'd been with would've been used to this too.

But his Bambi wasn't like them, or him. She was the little girl next door he'd grown up with. The same girl who wore dark clothes so she wouldn't stand out in the crowd. The same girl who kept a journal because she wasn't comfortable sharing her thoughts and feelings with just anyone. The same girl who enjoyed midnight car rides because she found solace in being alone and invisible. That was why he'd been doing everything in his power to keep her safe, and he'd thought she'd be the safest when she was home with her father and her friends. These photos, unfortunately, had proven him wrong.

Holding the phone at his ear, he shoved his other hand into his messy curls and kept on muttering "pick up, pick up, pick up", until she did.

"Harry." Her wheezy voice almost made him cry.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah," she said, but with a sigh. "Celine showed me the photos, but I haven't read anything people say."

She sounded calmer than he'd expected, which was worse. If only she'd burst into tears or got angry and blamed this all on him. At least then he would've been able to tell what she really felt. "I'm so sorry, love..." he said, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I'll figure something out. I just...God...I wish I could be there with you."

There was a long pause, yet he knew she was still there because he could hear her breathing. She just needed a bit of time to think before speaking up. "It must be the same person who posted the first photo. They were just waiting for an opportunity to release these..."

"I think I know who it is..." He was out of breath, and he could imagine the look on her face as she murmured cautiously, "who?"

His girl would hate to hear this as much as he hated to say it. But secrets had hurt them more than the truth had, so he didn't see the point of keeping one from her now. Especially now.

"Ruby came to my hotel room last night," he blurted. His shoulders were tight and his hands were clammy as he rambled on, "she was pretty unstable so maybe it was her, but I don't know for sure...She's not here today for me to ask but—She was drunk, and she tried to k-kiss me and...and I told her I loved you...and asked her to leave, I just—God, I would never do anything to hurt you."

"Did she kiss you?"

"No, love..."

"Did you...want...to kiss her?"

Y/N had remained calm since the moment she answered his call, but for this question, she sounded disheartened. Her voice was taut and feeble, and he wouldn't have been able to hear it if it hadn't been dead silent here.

Harry felt a lump in his throat as he pondered her question. "How could you ask me that? Don't you trust me?"

"I do, I do...but...I don't know...Nevermind."

"No, do not do this right now, Bambi!" he snarled with fear that she might hang up. "You either talk to me or I'm catching another flight home tonight!"

He knew she was still unsure when she took another deep breath, but he also knew she wouldn't risk having him fly back just to get an answer out of her.

"You..you loved her a lot," she said. Those simple words were enough to break his heart. He felt sick in his stomach as he pictured her smile falter and slowly fade.

With hesitation, she continued, "last year, on the night I left, I heard you say to her you'd always love her. And sometimes, just...randomly, I would think about it and...it would make me sad. I know you love me, and I know you mean it. But it hurts to think that the reason she keeps holding onto you is that she knows she'll always have you."

"That's not true, Bambi," he almost choked on the words. "She doesn't have me, baby, you do..."

"I've been telling myself that but, well..." she trailed off and laughed wryly. "Would you have come to her last night? I mean, if she hadn't come to see you."

"No."

"Would you have wanted to?" The left side of his chest pained as she began to sound like she could cry. "Fuck, why am I like this? You're the one dealing with those photos of us and I—God, I'm so fucking petty."

"No, don't—don't say that. Just...don't say that about yourself. Do you understand?" He exhaled, gripping his phone with one hand and his hair with the other. "Today, I love you, and only you. Tomorrow, I'll love you, and only you. Same goes for all the days after that until forever. Yes, I loved Ruby. And last night, she was in my room, asking me to take her back. But when I looked into her eyes, I felt nothing. I could never feel anything with her again now that I have you, and you have me. All of me. I promised that I wouldn't run to her again, and I didn't, and I wouldn't have done it last night."

Silence.

"Are you still there, baby?"

"Yes."

"Are we...okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay...Sorry, I'm just—" she stuttered, and the next thing she blurted out wasn't something he would ever expect to hear, "Harry, I'm scared."

The last time he'd heard her say those two words were almost ten years ago, when she nearly broke her neck from falling off the ladder of their treehouse. Being scared was one thing, but it took a lot of anxiety and distress for her to admit it. And to think that the last time she'd been this scared was when she almost lost her life, really tore him apart. Why did he have to be so far away when this happened?

"I'm here, kid. I'm here with you..." His jaw tightened as he rubbed the heel of his palm against his forehead. "Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl, and no one else. Remember?"

"Yes." Though she sounded subdued, he could hear the faint smile in her voice. "It'd be so nice if...if we could just go back to the other night in your backyard and stay there forever. In our world."

"I would love that." He chuckled, attempting to keep his voice light. "Don't be scared, my love. I won't let anything bad happen to you, I promise."