#one of my uni teachers told us that animating is trying to do as little work as fast as possible

[lazylittledragon]

How do you make art so fast, is it just practice? It seems like you post art weekly or even daily so how??? Fully with line art, colored and rendered? You have to be a wizard

i think it probably is just practice but also

1. i work from home and have no other hobbies and no social life

2. i’m an animator and a webcomic artist so i’m just used to getting stuff down really quickly

also when you just. draw the same guys repeatedly it helps with muscle memory

[darklingichor]

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir **MAJOR SPOILERS**

So, this is a first, I've never written a revisit this fast.

I do often read or listen to an especially good book, again, right after I finish it. Usually because I can't get into another book until I do.

I did it with Lamb, and I did it with the Martian.

This one is going to be chock full of spoilers, I really want to analyze the main characters in this book, and I can't do that without going into details. This is why I marked the hell out of this.

Project Hail Mary is even better the second time around. This is often the case. Books are like soup. The leftovers from the fridge are often even better than when you had it the first time.

*SPOILERS* *SERIOUSLY SPOILERS TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK* *SPOILERS* *THE REST OF THIS RAMBLE WILL RUIN THE BOOK* *SPOILERS*

Okay, so run down.

The book opens with our main character waking up to an annoying computer asking him basic math questions. This is detecting cognitive function, that's my guess anyway.

Our character quickly discovers a few things. First, he's in a room with robot arms tending to him, including unhooking him from various life support systems as it figures out that he is awake and functioning. He's not alone in the room, there are two others, but they are long dead. And he has no idea, who he is, where he is, or why he's there.

What follows for a little while is what I would call a psychological screwball comedy. It takes him several days to work out that his name is Ryland Grace and he is a microbiologist PhD who had a falling out with the academic community and found his calling as a Jr. High science teacher. Though exploration, experiments, and memory flashes, he works out that he is on a spaceship, the corpses were his crewmates, and he is on a mission to Tau Ceti to save earth from an alien algae like creature, called Astropgage, that is dimming the sun and setting earth on the course to an ice age that will begin to wipe out humanity in 30 years. Tau Ceti, which is 12 light years away from earth, is resistant to this energy sucking algae.

We get all the backstory of how he became a crew member aboard the ship Hail Mary, in flashbacks as his memories return. A big memory that returns? Project Hail Mary is a suicide mission, he will not be going home.

In the meantime, he is slowly trying to figure out how to save earth, while he does this, he sees a very weird spaceship and meets an intelligent alien being. This being (Grace calls him Rocky) comes from a world (Earid) that is in the same situation as Earth. Together, Grace and Rocky have to work out how to save both of their home worlds.

Ryland Grace is a complex character, he’s very very different from Mark Watney (I haven't read Artimis so I can't make comparisons to those characters).

The Martian points out that Astronauts are inherently noble, willing to risk their lives for science and a good cause.

Grace is not an astronaut. That's not to say that he isn't a good person, just that he is an average person. He can be all at once self-sacrificing and selfish.

Early on he is drafted into the research team on what would be called Astropgage as a science expert by Eva Strat, a woman in charge of figuring out what is going on and how to stop it.

Once he was released from his part in this research, he goes back to teaching, only to be struck by the fact that his students would be in their early forties when all hell breaks loose, and that they might die. He then goes back to Strat and demands to be part of the research again.

This back and forth happens a few times in the story. In fact, it becomes a big part of it. See, the crew of the Hail Mary were put into comas to ensure that they would not go nuts and kill each other on the 12 light-year (four years from their perspective) journey, a medical company discovered that 1 in 7000 people have the genes to survive long comas and still function when they wake up. Grace is one of those people, but he is not volunteering for this mission. It's not that he doesn't care, or even that he doesn't want to help, it's that he's scared. And who wouldn't be? But honestly? I think Grace has imposture syndrome and is generally very sensitive. He realized that his kids would suffer, after starting to teach a class, that speed him to become a part of Strat's team again. Events happen that lead him to being the only logical candidate for the science expert aboard the Hail Mary. He refused, Strat basically kidnaps him, sets the computer induce amnesia in only Grace and plunks him on board.

Before she does this, she harshly calls Grace out.

“Do you think I don’t know you, Dr. Grace?!” she yelled. “You’re a coward and you always have been. You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like a paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.” (pg. 392 Kindle Edition)

This all seems to be true, but we don't know Grace's full story. Other than a mention of one girlfriend in college, and brief mentions of friends, There is nothing in the book about his life before he started teaching. This could be because the amnesia has left those things fuzzy, but in my head, it's because he doesn't want to think about it. Maybe he had a bad family life, maybe he had *no* family life, maybe he had an early tragedy. Maybe he realized his short comings and that, no matter his talent, he just didn't have the temperament for acidemia.

He does like being the cool teacher, he does say he likes being looked up to, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. He's a *good* teacher.

I had cool teachers before I switched to home school. They weren't all good. I had one that would literally just let us mess around during class because they didn't want to actually grade papers. Cool to a kid? Absolutely! Good for education? Not on your life.

Grace isn't like that, he loves science, he loves teaching, and the kids are learning.

He doesn't like animal testing, he's emotional at the fragility of humanity. In short, in his quiet way he loves life.

He leaves his comfort zone to be a part of Strat's team because he knows he's good at what he does and he couldn't look at his students and knowing they could die when he could help prevent it. That doesn't mean he thinks he will be Earth's savior, just that he can help.

He's unwilling to die.

Usually in books and movies, this translates to coward, but really? It's not. Most people wouldn't volunteer for a suicide mission, especially one this pressure filled. "So, we need you to go into a coma, go to a different solar system, save your whole species, and then kill yourselves so you won't starve to death. We good? Cool."

You can't fault a living being for wanting to live. Plus, the other crew members had time to think it through, really decide, make peace with the decision and *then* carry through with the training. Grace? He was given the training, but Strat always said it was for the science of the mission. She was a little like Dumbledore, in that she was training him in case he had to go, but never told him it was a possibility. When it became clear that he was the choice for the vacant spot, he was given less than five hours to decide, and then was told he had no choice.

He makes noble choices throughout the book, but that one choice was not his own, because Strat was given absolute power and used it absolutely.

I can't say that Strat is a villain, either. She was elected to save earth and given the power to cut through any red tape. Handed all this authority, she doesn't become corrupt, she uses this power ruthlessly, but always with the only goal being Save Earth, full stop, that's it. And even as Grace, understandably terrified, yells at her she tells him that she likes him, that she knows that he is a good man, that he will give this  his all. She doesn't *want* to send this unwilling and scared man on a suicide mission. She *has* to. Strat is also complex, she is not nonsense and is committed to her role in saving humanity. I like the reason she gives as to why, toward the end of the book. She got her undergrad degree in history. She takes to heart the old saying that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

The climate scientists and their models assumed survival based on the idea that all countries will work together for the common goal. However, Strat points out that history shows that that ideal scenario, is not likely to work. She says that most wars, up until very recently, were fought over food, and resulting in famine.  As the sun loses energy and crops fail, there will be wars, and they will be over food. And that is what she is desperately trying to avoid – the horror of history brought to the modern day.

I started as a history major, and history is interwoven into anthropology – I understand this perspective.

I am not going to get into politics, but I’ve experienced the agonizing frustration of watching history repeat itself, more than once in the last couple of years. Guessing at how something will probably go due to how something lines up with a similar event in the past and knowing that if someone in power would just listen it might turn out different, or that the eventual problems could at least be prepared for, and watch it happen anyway and everyone act surprised. It’s enough to make you pull your hair out.

Strat has the knowledge and the authority to act on it, I can’t say, that in her position I wouldn’t act the same way.

That is the major difference between Grace and Strat: viewpoint. By necessity of her position and by virtue of her education, she sees the big picture clearly, Grace, however, doesn’t. He’s a microbiologist, his entire career and education is looking closely at the small things and how they would translate to big things. He studies the universe by studying the smallest things in it. It is no surprise that he would need the smaller things to make the bigger things to snap into focus. When he was forced to start research on astrophage, it wasn’t until he was faced with the small scale (his kids could suffer) to make him see his part in the grand scheme of things. Strat is right, he does avoid risk, because he’s avoiding pain, he doesn’t let things in because he feels too much. Yes, the realization about the kids, puts steel in his spine, but not before he narrowly avoids a break down. For Grace, seeing Strat’s point of view, without being able to work it though to his scale, is like yelling at someone standing too close to a mountain for not being able to see the peak. It just can’t be done from where they are.

It makes me wonder, had Strat been up front with Grace, would he have willingly gone? It takes him a while to come around to the idea of helping the project in the first place. If he were told sooner, given some time, had been able to go home, and think, I feel like he would have gone. Something would have set him on the course. Maybe it would have been one of his former students, telling him about their plans for trying out for high school track, or going to college,  maybe he would have gone to his usual cafe for breakfast and found out that one of the waitresses had just gotten engaged, maybe he would be told these things and see the fear and desperate need to keep life as normal as possible in the person's eyes, and then he would decide, if, on the off chance  no one else could go, he would. Until he remembers his refusal, nearly at the end of the book, he accepts quickly that he volunteered for the mission. Of course, that could have been simply because he couldn't imagine someone forcing someone into something like that, but even as his memories and sense of self come back to him, he doesn't have a sense of terror or blind panic at the fact that he's not going home. I would think that if his unwillingness were something hard wired into his personality, he would know soon after remembering who he is, that he would have never considered being a part of the voyage.

So, I think, had Strat told Grace early on that he had the coma resistant genes and that there was a small possibility that he may have to be the backup for the backup, and then allowed him to come to terms with it, he would have gone without the drama. Don’t get me wrong, there is the possibility that he would have run off and had to have been hunted down, but I think, just like when he went to his class and saw his students, something would have made his conscious kick in, and he would have come back.

That might have been interesting, him running scared for a little while and then coming back? Might have given a little more background into why he is the way he is. But that’s not really what this book is about, I think it’s a forgone about conclusion that Grace would have helped, but what’s really interesting is how Grace and Rocky work together.

Rocky is cool! I love that Weir didn’t go the easy route with the creation of an alien character. Rocky is no Roswell gray with a humanoid form. No no, for our sympathetic alien, we have a spider like creature with liquid mercury for blood who “sees” with echolocation and speaks in musical notes. And it works!!

Rocky is expressive and funny and is great with Grace. It’s hilarious, other than the Russian scientist on Project Hail Mary, he doesn’t get along with anyone as well as he does with Rocky, out of everyone in the book, Grace connects most with a spider shaped rock being, he has to make a computer program to speak with.

Rocky is a tad steadier than Grace, but that makes sense simply because of the two, Rocky knew what he was getting into, and Eridens not only have more time before their star dims to the point of causing a problem, but also, they live a long long time, so, Rocky knows he is going home. But the steadiness is also built into his personality. He and Grace are both analytical problem solvers, but seeing that Rocky is an engineer, his focus is to fix things. A problem arises, and his first reaction is “I will fix that.” He won’t be dissuaded until he has all avenues exhausted.

Grace has a habit, early on, of moping for a little while before rallying and getting to work. His interaction with Rocky brings that pouting time down a bit, and he even pulls Rocky out of a slump a time or two.

The relationship between these two is interesting because Grace says flat out that he is not a social person, he feels awkward in groups with people. But he easily communicates with his students, and he easily communicates with Rocky. Rocky is not childlike, but he does have something in common with the students, Grace, like any teacher, teaches his students, and learns from them. Grace teaches Rocky and learns from him. Grace is comfortable with this sort of interaction; with his students this is where the relationship stops. With Rocky, it doesn’t have that boundary. By virtue of the fact that both are alone in space and crave interaction, they talk a lot. Also, activities that Grace is use to doing alone, Rocky’s culture requires to be done in pairs. The biggest: Sleeping.

Eridens do not sleep without another person watching them. So, he insists that he watch Grace sleep and that Grace watches him. It is not expressly said what other things Eridens don’t do alone, but it is implied (at least to me) that they work better in pairs or in groups. This is true of humans as well, but Grace in particular is a loner, even as he complains that science doesn’t happen with one scientist doing the work (and he’s right) but he does work alone even when the astrophage project opened up to more people, the feeling I get is that he still does most of his work alone unless asked to teach others, or forced to come along by Strat.

Grace quickly becomes acclimated to Rocky’s way of doing things, in an odd way, Grace is more comfortable being Eriden, than he is being human. And I really think that this is the crux of their relationship.

I read somewhere recently that family isn’t necessarily blood, but who you would bleed for.

I feel that Rocky and Grace would sacrifice themselves for their respective home worlds, but they will bleed for each other. Grace must go to a different star system to find family, which is actually really cool to me, because the story manages to have Grace have a story of growth and even a quiet redemption arc all with the background noise of a potential double Armageddon, and we manage not to lose sight of any of these elements. Add to this that the book will make you laugh, cry and think all at once. I love the Martian, but I honestly think this one is better!

[floatingbook]

I recently found your blog and im in love with your writings. I guess I just needed to went about this. Anyway theres this female youtuber that I watched for a long time now. She makes good animal content and is an ornithologist. Her style of content is also right up my alley. (1)

But the thing is shes homophobic. I knew this for a while now but on one of her recent streams she explicitly stated how disgusted she found gay people using very popular homophobic slurs in our language (not English). And like I dont hate her or whatever. I like her content and even her personality vice. she herself is gnc in her style and is not married. she gets a ton of comments from men telling her how weird it is and she addressed it in multiple videos saying how stupid she finds it (2)

but like this whole thing makes it difficult to just enjoy bird and lizard videos lol. recently we also got a new professor at my Uni. and while she considers herself tolerant she said quite a few. homophobic things as well. like she said she'd kill her son if he was gay, jokingly. but whats funny in that? anyway I talked about this with my groupmate whos lesbian and she told me she hated this but tries to not pay attention to it. she thinks its best to just ignore it.(3)

and like I think shes right. we cant change anything about this, our country is very homophobic. so why pay attention to it? Im secure in myself anyway. but its still so difficult to just not thing about it and enjoy everything else.have you ever dealt with similar feelings? how did you cope with them? sorry for long message. im also a lesbian if it matters. (4)

No need to apologise for the length of your message, sister! I’m sorry you’ve had to face this; but which lesbian, sadly, doesn’t? It’s all too common for us to be faced with this kind of non-physically-harmful homophobia. And at first glance, we tend to discount it, yes. After all, we are “secure in [our]selves”, we know there’s nothing wrong with being lesbians, that we’re not ill or cursed or whatever nonsense. In the long run, and although it doesn’t do the same kind of damage as homophobic physical harm, I think it’s more worrying. Especially because it appears so harmless at first, such a matter of personal opinion — we can’t really change the way these people think, they’re always going to harbour those kinds of thoughts.

But even if you’re a proud lesbian and fine with yourself, it still makes you internalise the fact that homosexuality is somehow wrong. Of course being regularly exposed to that kind of ideas, of content, is going to affect your wellbeing. Even if it’s “just” a passing remark from a youtuber, or a “joke” from a university teacher, or an aunt sharing a bigoted stereotype about homosexuality, or a random individual being interviewed on TV during a conservative march, or a priest mentioning once in a while how you’re going to end up burning in hell just for existing. These comments can lead us to feel terrible about ourselves, straight into self-hatred. They also, whether we like it or not, create a hostile climate for us. It’s not healthy to exist in an environment where you know that people despise or outright hate you, even if they don’t know that you specifically are a lesbian. You’re always going to be wondering how your teacher would treat you if she somehow found out. Would she lower your grades? Would there be any kind of retaliation? For every homophobe who makes homophobic jokes or share any other type of homophobic position, there’s always the worry of escalation to physical harm. As a result, you’re always, even if not completely consciously, on the lookout.

I think the best thing to do with these people is to cut them out whenever possible. I know that you like that youtuber’s content, but you’re always going to be wondering in a corner of your mind “when is she going to be homophobic again”. I’m sure you can find other women talking about that kind of subject, and if not on youtube maybe in podcasts, in documentaries, or on blogs. It’s eminently frustrating to loose a source of information and entertainment, but you also have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means removing homophobes from your life. Here, a reminder that it’s not your job to cure them of their homophobia. You don’t have to put up with them. Much in the same way that women don’t have to waste their time explaining to men how we are human beings deserving of rights and dignity and a life free of oppression too.

In the case of your uni teacher, you can’t do a lot but bear through it. It’s good that you’re not alone; support your fellow lesbian, and make sure that you don’t let the hate, however how casual, get you down. I don’t think it’s about “ignoring” it as much as not letting either despair or rage take up too much space. It’s normal to feel depressed that homophobia is so widespread, but you can try to balance it out with the knowledge, shared by many of your fellow lesbians, that being a lesbian is perfectly normal and even wonderful. Same for anger at the homophobia, it’s perfectly normal in the face of bigotry and hatred, but please make sure that you use your anger as fuel for positive action and don’t just let it simmer and fester into giving up and depression and helplessness.

We don’t have to be resigned to the homophobia. You can sensibilise your friends to the problem, and hopefully find people who’ll embrace you for who you are. You can move to less homophobic places; you can create lesbians clubs, gatherings or communities; if you are determined and want to play the game and work within the rules of the system, you can lobby and agitate for reforms to law to make your country less homophobic. We don’t have to tolerate homophobic people. There are some things on which we can refuse to compromise.

(same anon who wrote about female youtuber)also Goddammit these straight anons are so ridiculous. sorry for my language. how can they not see their privilege? literally the entire fucking world is telling you that relationships with men are good and pure and "correct" and you DARE to come to a LESBIANS blog and whine about a tiny group of lesbian women who tell you that maybe men aren't the end all be all im just so sorry for their stupidity sis.. crazy you still have to deal with this shit :/

I’m used to it, not that it’s pleasant, but yes, sometimes it’s baffling how little reading comprehension and self-awareness some people exhibit on here (and out there in the world). I hope you have a very pleasant week, anonymous sister, and that your lesbian friend does as well ;)

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Writing Prompts! Continuation for “Here Kitty Kitty” with Aizawa and Cat Quirk Pro Hero reader.

I love this little Prompt so much i- hfcrgb.

This is the third part for it! If you would like to read the Original Prompt and Part 2 its under the CattyAizawa tag!!!

A/N. This is super soft♥️ i hope its okay that its not a NSFW thing. (Pt3!)

Aizawa moved you into his home the day after youre heat started. He had to go back to teaching at UA soon and did not want to wait, he also did not want you walking around by youreself after a patrol while youre heat was around. You were upset that he had to go back to UA but there was nothing you could really do. He was a Pro Hero and a Teacher. When you were all moved in Aizawa brought you to his bed to hold and cuddle you . He nibbled at youre ear and you looked up at him purring loud untill he looked at you.

“Yes kitten?”

“When do you go back?”

“Tomorrow.” He answered , his voice low and exhausted. Poor guy did not want to go back.

You purred into his chest sending vibrations down to his legs . He chuckled pulling you close to him cupping youre face and kissing you gently .

“Youre making it harder for me to go back ya know. You think Nezo will believe me if i tell him my cat needs me?”

“Didint you use that line the three years i was there?” You teased nuzzling at his scruffy cheeks getting a chuckle out of him.

“Yes i did Kitten, do you know how many times id have to leave a meeting because you got into a fight with someone?”

“Maybe.. two..”

He nibbled youre ear making a “un uh “ sound and you squeaked trying to get away from him. Aizawa held you tight laughing for a minute.

“Almost every meeting i had for three years. Someone would run in and say ‘Aizawa, they are at it again’ and i would have to say to Nezo . ‘Sorry, my cat needs me.’”

You purred and couldint help but have a huge smile on youre face . Those three years of cat and mouse were youre favorite. Everytime he would drag you away from whoever you were fighting with his capture tape and just give you this tired ‘really? Again?’ Look .

“He might. Will you say it anyway and tell me?”

Aizawa laid you down getting ontop of you , he leaned down rubbing his scruff on you making you laugh and struggle under him for awhile. Aizawa cupped youre face kissing you lovingly and deeply. You purred making his face and shoulder vibrate . Aizawa pulled away to smile down at you and stroke youre cheek.

“Im pretty sure he would suspend me, kitten. I wont be here when you wake up too..”

He frowned at youre down ears . He really did not want to leave you. Running into you like this was the light in his dark world. Even when he knew you would be here when he got home , he still did not want to go. And youre heat worried him, it would last for at least a week and if he could tell it was happening .. then others could too. You purred up at him pawing at his face making him blink and lose his train of thought.

“Youll be okay kitten?”

“Yes sensei.. ill be here . I have no plans to go out when i dont need to patroll.”

He laid his head down on youre chest listening to you purr. As cheesy as it was .. it was his favorite song . The gentle vibrations mixing with youre heartbeat sent him into a very content and happy state. Sometimes he would even pull you to him placing his ear on youre chest just to listen for a minute while you ran youre fingers through his hair.

“Kitten..tomorrow im going to look up some things about youre heat. See if theres anything i can do to help while im not here.”

“Okay Sensei. I might.. have a nest when you get home. Its just a pile of youre clothes that have youre scent.”

“Is my scent that strong? I thought that was just Alphas and Omegas.”

“Well.. as long as you have a animal quirk .. you can smell it. And youres makes me crazy heh.”

Aizawa rubbed his scruff on you again with a tired smile on his face. “Oh kitten.. you make me so happy. That makes me so happy”

“You make me happy too Sensei.”

You kissed his lips and Aizawa laid his head back down listening to you purr all night. One of his favorite things about you was you stayed up all night sometimes with him . You purred for hours and sometimes would get tripped up because it tickled and you would have to stop and laugh. Aizawa would laugh and have to get up and get you some water. Sometimes he would spoon you so he could nibble youre ear and stroke youre tail too. Whichever he chose , you loved it.

In the morning Aizawa was already up watching the coffee pot. He was leaning on the counter with his arms crossed thinking.

The nest was okay, he didint mind that .

His scent could help you .

He sighed pouring his coffee into his cat cup taking a slow much needed sip. Was there anyone at UA he could ask ? He peaked in on you before leaving to see you curled up asleep purring quietly. He smiled watching for a minute. “Have a good day kitten.” Quietly he left the house and groaned up at the sky. He took another sip of his coffee and made his way to UA.

At UA Aizawa was in the teachers lounge browsing the internet for anything that could help you. The scent thing seemed to be a top result along with breeding . He laid his cheek on his palm resting his elbow on his desk groaning. He was so busy searching he did not see Midnight walk in . She went over to him to say hi but got no response. She blinked leaning down to look at him and then the computor screen. She got a huge grin on her face and she elbowed him breaking his focus.

“So whos the lucky lady?”

Aizawa looked less than thrilled , no one exactly knew you were with Aizawa. He groaned into his palm and Midnight elbowed him again.

“You cant tell anyone , no one knows”

“Sure thing , you can trust me.”

“Do you.. remember Y/N? Graduated last year?”

“Oh yeah! Where did you find her?”

“She was interning with the Wild Wild PussyCats. They made her wear their uni-“

He blinked realizing he told her to much but it was too late. Midnight was covering her mouth trying not to laugh.

“Uhgnn.”

“Aizawa!!!” She slapped his shoulder making him lean forward and grunt.

“Keep youre voice down.. shes in heat i dont know how to help if im not there.”

She leaned down close to his ear. “Cmon tell me , did you do it there?”

“Yes.”

“Oouu!!! With all the students there Aizawa you naughty teacher!”

“Can you help me or not?”

Midnight giggled turning the keyboard to her typing something up . She pointed to the screen and Aizawa felt himself get aroused .

“It wont help her physically but it helps reassure her that shes youre wittle kitty cat!!!”

Aizawa closed the window and got up ignoring her , a small smile on his face.

You woke up maybe an houre after Aizawa left. You were craving his scent today and just him holding you. You had to force youreself to get up and get in the shower. When you got out you mewed all day for him . Laying in his bed wasint enough though..

You got up going to the closet pulling his yellow sleeping bag out and pulling down some of his shirts and pants. The pile of clothes fell on the sleeping bag and you crawled under it getting inside the sleeping bag mewing loud all day.

Aizawa came home to a quiet house, he went down to his room to see... a pile of his clothes ontop of his sleeping bag. He heard you purring and saw little movement in his sleeping bag. Aizawa snapped a picture on his phone and went over couching down liftinh one of his shirts to see youre sad face.

“Hi kitten. I brought you something.” He held up a little bag and you sat up falling out of his sleeping bag clinging to him.

Aizawa smiled squeezing you as tight as he could. He let out a very long sigh of relief . He was so happy to have you in his arms again. You peaked up at him mewing and he rubbed youre ear and kissed youre fore head.

“I missed you too Kitten. Here open this “

You sat down between his legs peaking in the bag . Youre ears shot up straight and you took the item out . It was a pretty light red collar with a heart in the front.

“I rubbed it on my shirt so hopfully it smells like me.”

You held it out to him and he put it on you and kissed you deeply. He wrapped his arms around you getting in the sleeping bag and turning you to face him.

“Like it?”

“..i love it.. thank you..”

He chuckled kissing youre cheek. “Youre welcome kitten”

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am out there!! i'm glad you liked it! i'm definitely trying out the recipe you left in the tags. it sounds way better than just banana and peanut butter. i always have to pay a lot of attention when i type banana because i've ended up with "bananana" way too many times

i was planning to run straight to your askbox the second i saw you replied but then the end of the semester happened and it killed me. hopefully i'm done with it now

i do exactly the same thing with height! if you tell me your height in feet i have absolutely no idea how tall that is. if you say that in centimetres that's easy. i mean you're 155cm so that's 12cm shorter than me. when you told me that in feet i was like okay cool i have no idea how much shorter than actually is

i love birds!!! so that seems awesome! i am now titling you the queen of birds. and i'm glad your vacation was good! i think i saw a couple of posts you made about it so it definitely does seem like a lot of fun! and did you ever figure out completely what that see through animal (?) in the sand was? i had no idea stuff like that even existed so now i'm invested in knowing what it is

i am 100% hiring you for my coming out party i'm throwing in a couple of years. it's gonna be fun. if we don't get immediately kicked out i promise good food and some spicy drama between my homophobic relatives and my accepting relatives! and my brother's, who i already came out to, dry commentary

i was definitely not the one you told about burma trails! but from the tags i'm just gonna say how is that allowed and why does it seem like a weird type of torture? i hate it, i probably would've had a heart attack 3 seconds in

oh yeah i actually can't tell most of the time if the memories from my childhood are actual memories or if it's just a combination of having seen photos and heard stories about it

my glasses prescription is fine i think. my eye doctor said that i get headaches from glasses because... well i tried to explain this and then deleted it all because it was a very scientific explanation when she said it and i zoned out pretty much halfway through and even the part that i did understand i can't translate to english! but it has something to do with the fact that with contacts it's enough to move my eyes in the direction i want to look at and with glasses i have to move my whole head and my brain got so used to contacts that it overdoes it with the eye movements when wearing glasses? i dunno. this is the best i can do in explaining it

i must admit i'm very jealous of the never snows part because while snow is pretty to look at it's absolutely freezing! for the past week i slept under a duvet, three blankets while wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt and i still woke up cold. because for a couple of nights it was around -22°C. it's great

ohhh you got pretty lucky as a kid then! my kid self would have absolutely lost it at getting the equivalent of 5/10 bucks. i probably would have bought so much candy

excellent!!! hope you’re enjoying the vague void from whence you came! i’ve never said whence before in my LIFE i wonder if i used it correctly. anyway. the actual recipe was way more specific but once i saw ‘2 frozen bananas’ and looked at all the sliced bananas in my fridge, having no idea how many there were, i just started improvising sdfkhsdfs. I’d be interested to try it with yoghurt though if I can get some dairy free plain stuff, I’m sure I can somewhere. Banana used to be my biggest problem when I was younger. Then I learnt words like occasion and necessary and embarrassed and I realised the more english I tried to learn, the worse my life was gonna get. And I was right. On the bright side, developing an inability to ever spell occasion correctly made banana seem a lot easier to handle.

that is fair. end of semesters are rough. i cannot function during them at all. i hope everything chills out for you!! i’m not sure how the school year is over there but maybe it’s break time? that’d be nice. but rest in peace anyway, enjoy being dead! they say necromancy is frowned upon in all societies but I reckon it’s just called making a friend when you’re dead so maybe you wanna take that up as a hobby! I’ve heard it’s nice this time of year!

yup! sometimes I’m like oh you’re 5 foot 4? that sounds way taller than me. but it...it really isn’t...it’s like an extra 8cm or something. which adds up! but in my head I was picturing a MUCH taller height. In my head I think I picture 6 foot and 5 foot 4 as the same height, now that I think about it.

!!!!! my first order as queen of birds is to meet a morepork face to face so we can chat about the price of pork these days. yes!! the first half was nice but the second half was really fun. my best guess is still that it’s a salp? Maybe? So many salp pictures are massive groups of them but like,, from what i can tell of singular photos,,, it was maybe that? I guess the only other possibility is it’s just some clear jellyfish but salp does seem more likely. At first I was like oh duuude boob implant for the ocean!! but then I realised it actually seemed kinda alive and was probably an actual creature. my bad.

excellent. i’ll break any tension by dropping the vampire act for the mouse act. will do backflips for cheese. will bite ankles for homophobic comments. Will pull a knife out of god knows where, not to threaten anyone, just to clean my nails with to make everyone nervous. I offer many services. I’m flexible. And I love me some good food.

I actually DON’T know the reason behind burma trails. I really don’t. The reason ‘it’s a fun activity!’ seems a little fake. if it’s a fun activity then why did Mrs. G. tell us a horror story about the forest before we went out to navigate said forest at night, blindfolded, surrounded by wildlife and parents supervising (*cough* waiting for the opportunity to jump out at you *cough*) with a teacher at the end waiting to scare us. So we can learn how to navigate the forest in the dark? So we learn how to follow a mysterious rope INTO the forest at night? seems dodgy to me. school camps be like [drives you out to forest] follow this rope and don’t take your blindfold off. like. bruh. i almost DID have a heart attack one time, I got stuck like something was holding my leg. First thought-ah, must’ve got my leg stuck in a big stick. Second thought-maybe this is one of the parents fucking around, it feels more like a grip than a twig. Third thought-I cannot get my leg free no matter what I do what the fuck is HAPPENING so I started crying out for help. When they FINALLY came they found nothing my leg was caught on so that was fun. love that for me. I was able to move as soon as they arrived. That’s not weird at all. anyway.

I think most of my early memories are just from stories I’ve been told and photos I’ve seen. My memory tends to be horrible I highly doubt I remember that one time I was eating dirt from the garden out in the yard gleefully. I just saw the photo evidence. mm spaghetti. bone apple teeth. my character hasn’t changed at all since I was a wee babe.

ohhhh okay. I think I get what you mean by that. Thank you for trying to explain! That’s really interesting. I guess I do move my head a lot with glasses. Although I have massive glasses so it’s probably easier for me to just move my eyes where I want. I reckon with smaller glasses I’d have to move my head way more.

the temperature comment is so funny because during the heart of winter i tend to sleep with a sheet, a blanket, a duvet, then 2-4 blankets on top while in a long sleeve shirt and long pants and sometimes bed socks and often a hottie (i’ve never realised how that sounds out of context...a hot water bottle...is calling it a hottie normal or is a my family thing? is this a nz thing? now i’m questioning myself). in my uni accommodation last year we didn’t have proper heating during most of winter and well. there was a quilt added to everything else. every blanket i could find. how cold does it get here in winter? rarely ever past 0 degrees celsius. I would literally die in your position, clearly. I could not survive that. Props to you for making it through aha.

yesss. Before when I found five dollar notes it’d be on the street and I’d be like oh no! Mum we have to hand this into the police station! It’s a lot of money, someone will be looking for it! Understandably she was like,, lindsey they might miss it but there’s not really any way you can find them,,, I still refused to spend it. That was like my first time really getting that much money for myself. The dairy on main street sold lollies for 10 cents each and they had like, 30 different lil glass boxes so you’d go I want 3 of 26, 5 of 7, ohhh and 5 of 13 please! I dunno if they’re still 10 cents each but I thought it was the best thing ever as a kid. I think I wanted to save the money though sfdjsdkfhs put it in my piggy bank to save up for something ‘super cool’. Aka probably like a neat soft toy to sleep with sdfsdkfs.

[kvngjoong]

she was a rainbow [three - seo changbin]

→ seo changbin x f!you, university!au, in which changbin discovers that his feelings aren’t as easy to understand as he first may have thought → 7.4k+, it’s fluff. all fluff and cute things, with a last minute confession

part 3 of 3

“Do you remember when I got mad at you about the project?”

“Mhm.” Changbin was busy eating his noodles and didn’t pick up on the signs you were showing him. He tries to make a joke, since when he looks up you look a little sad. It was just the downturned lips and sparkly eyes. Glassy. Changbin means glassy. “You told me that you wouldn’t talk to me again.”

You hum, facing the table for a little longer than usual. “I was a bitch ‘cause my boyfriend and I broke up.”

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” Changbin replies honestly. He should have expected it. You both hadn’t know each other that long then, and you already had broken up with your boyfriend? It surprises him. It angers him that someone hadn’t appreciated you enough to love you.

“Hwang Hyunjin?” His name burns some hatred into Changbin. That asshole? Yeah, everyone know who Hyunjin was. He didn’t realise you two dated, and he would have warned against it if he did know, even though you both weren’t that close. “Yeah, I should have realised that was going to end up that way.”

Changbin has a pick of everyone he wants.

Realistically, it’s always been the same for the Korean boy. He’s rich, he’s handsome and like hell does he know it. Ever since high school when girls would flock around him to see whether he really was that flawless in real life (he was, for the record) and if his hair really did stand to be the most beautiful style on the grounds. His spoiled ways proved to be too much for people to handle and they quickly disregarded him leaving the best option for him being to move abroad and act like he never even knew the streets of the various other countries he lived in.

He used people and he didn’t care, and that never really changed. Sure, he had two good friends. The first was a boy named Chan who usually would be found in the music production rooms with his headphones on, creating new songs like the genius kid he is. Chan is from Australia and didn’t have any other friends. Seeing him as, for lack of a better description, weak, Changbin managed to make friends with Chan but then realised he truly did value the friendship he had. Then there was Jisung, the first year student who had helped Changbin out in the music department when he first started. Changbin, in his own way, admired Jisung for carrying on his passion for music despite studying International Business. Another rich kid that Changbin emphasised with too much.

But Changbin realised in university he can’t be the person he used to be. There’s no cliques like in high school, the majority of people are just genuinely interested in studying and he often looks stupid when he expects the girls to come flocking in the clubs. His pearly white smile and equally white trainers don’t attract the attention he wants.

Not that he doesn’t get any. Changbin might not have the same charm as before but girls do love him. They love his persona and how if you hang around with him you automatically get the reputation of dating a rich kid who had a lot of money to spend which his parents sent him every week. Girls used him, actually. They used him for the reputation like he used to use them for the same thing.

It drives someone to loneliness, actually.

Changbin sits alone in lectures now. He used to sit in the middle with girls either side, sometimes not paying attention but often having a girl or two chatting about a possible date and another on the phone sending him photos he shouldn’t have been looking at in the middle of a lecture.

He walks into his class on international markets, his least favourite unit this year, expecting the back row of the lecture theatre to be completely empty like always. He pulls out one earphone, analysing the girl sat in the middle of the back row with an emotionless face; reading a book, studying each word, lost in the fantasy world which is created from it.

Changbin frowns. He takes a seat two places down and uses the seat to his left to keep his bag on so he can easily pull out his phone later to concentrate on something other than his lecturer who is the quietest, but most lovely Chinese lady to exist. The act manages to catch your attention as you don’t expect it. Your eyes meet Changbin’s and he feels like he’s frozen for a second.

“Sorry,” you mumble quickly, closing your book shut. Changbin is stuck looking at you so forgets to check what you’re reading. He hopes it’s worthwhile. “Do you want me to move up?”

Changbin shakes his head. He brings his fingers back through his freshly washed hair as he clears his throat and looks away. “It’s fine. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise.”

When Changbin didn’t spend his Saturday nights watching anime and checking snapchat to see if there was a party he could jump in on, he would have took this as an opportunity to continue speaking to you. Right now he looks back towards the front of the lecture hall and scratches his ear as he sighs. He doesn’t care, if he’s honest.

“This is the lecture on international markets, right?” you ask him. Changbin doesn’t look back to you, as he really does not care all too much for what you’re saying, and instead continues looking forward and planning on what game he’ll be beating Jisung at this evening. “I’m new and I guess… everything has been kinda messed up for me so far. I never end up in the right place.”

Changbin hums, nodding quietly again. “Yeah, it is.”

“Okay,” you answer, smile on your lips. You seem to ignore his blatant lack of interest which surprises Changbin a little. He pulls the disinterested card on girls and usually they beg for his attention and make it known that they’re not happy which how he’s treating them.

You, on the other hand, don’t even bat an eyelid.

That’s the thing which surprises him the most, especially since his cold and unattentive personality would usually have a girl angry at him for not trying too much with them, or have them rolling their eyes and vowing never to speak with him again.

He spends far too much of the lecture watching you concentrate on the topic being taught from the corner of his eye, your face burnt into his memory whether he wants it or not. Primarily he would have hoped at some point you’d have noticed his gaze shifting your way every so often, but when you don’t acknowledge him until you’re asking him politely to move out of your way so you can get to your next class, Changbin decides that he’s not going to let you bother his thoughts again.

Except he does let it bother him, a little too much if he’s honest.

It’s easy to shake you from his mind each time he stares at a blank wall or zones out from Jisung speaking with him about something he doesn’t care all that much for. It’s not so easy when you force your actual presence into his space a few days later at his seminar for International Trade later that week.

You sit beside him at the back, which again was usually a row he sat in on his own, but don’t pay too much attention to him since you were busy texting someone and didn’t notice him in the corner.

At least he thought that, since you didn’t even look in his direction until the teacher had everyone talking for a reason Changbin didn’t know - since he was busy on Instagram (trying to find your profile, for science of course).

“Hey,” you say, turning to him and catching his attention. He panics a little, eyes wide as he locks his phone and places it face down just in case you saw him searching through group followers to find anyone who resembled you. “I saw you in the lecture on international markets.”

Changbin finds your way of speaking with him a little unusual. You remind him ever so slightly of Jisung. Forward, but friendly, and somewhat good intentions. “Yeah, that was me.”

“I’m (Y/N), by the way.”

“Great,” Changbin replies. He may have come across as more rude than he intended to be, though he wanted to make it less obvious he had been waiting for your name this entire time. Pretty, he thinks, and it suits you. He panics, again, and tries to recover himself in possibly the worst way possible, “do you need something?”

“We need to work in pairs for the project on trade policies. I was wondering if you wanted to work together?” you ask.

Damn, he had hoped for more than that.

“Oh. Right.” Changbin’s quota for smiling had already been filled up since Chan slipped in the kitchen this morning when he dropped his milk everywhere. He might have been able to give a little more happiness if you asked him for more than just uni work. Well, saying that, you wanted to spend some time with him so you must have liked him in some shape or form. “Sure. We can work together.”

Changbin responds to your smile with his own tiny one which he spares for you from the bottom of his heart. He regrets it when he realises you probably just sat with him because you remembered him and didn’t know anyone else, but he notices there are quite a few empty seats around the room that you could have sat in should you want to make some other friends.

So he takes it as a win, even if you did probably enjoy the familiar aspect of having Changbin around you. Oh well. His ego will take it the other way until he’s ready to accept he’s lonelier than ever and anyone is better company than Jisung at this point. No offence to Jisung, he was just going through a… phase.

“I’m Changbin, by the way.”

Giving you his name goes a long way to creating a relationship between the two of you, since you exchange numbers pretty soon after and Changbin walks home with a less blank than usual look on his face. When he gets home he lingers in the living room for longer than usual and even Chan asks him what’s made him so happy.

He could have been happier if it didn’t take you two days to actually ask text him. Sure, he could have texted first, but didn’t want to overstep a boundary you might have wanted to keep. He could message you but you knew what the project was about and he would have probably cleared his schedule for you anyway, so he waits patiently for you to come to him.

Maybe to restore that mindset that people wanted him, or maybe because he was nervous. The latter was pretty much impossible.

Providing that Changbin’s (pretty much) squeak when he sees you’ve finally text him after all this time.

You: Are you free tonight? Changbin: Yeah You: Okay, do you want to go to the library? We can meet there and work on the research? Changbin: It would be easier if you came to me. I’ll send you my address.

Changbin’s parents were always apprehensive about him giving out his address, hence why he went elsewhere for parties and avoided having people back here. He asked Chan and Jisung to live with him with a pretty cheap rent for the company of having them around, and so far they were the only ones he had ever actively asked to be at his.

This was a different story, however. He trusted you enough to give you an address that his parents specifically wanted on the downlow (they didn’t want anyone to take advantage of Changbin’s wealth, and you didn’t seem like the type to do that). The first one ever. Changbin was really firsts with you already.

It brings butterflies to his stomach, almost as many as when two minutes later he realises his room is a mess and he does his best to tidy everything in the twenty minutes he probably has before you arrive, if you lived where he suspected you did.

He was just about right - nineteen minutes after he started cleaning and making sure his washing was (less than neatly) placed in his washing bin, you’re knocking at his front door and he’s running out of his room begging that no one else heard the door and opens it for him.

Lest be it that Jisung or Chan caught wind of him inviting you here; Changbin would never hear the end of it.

Changbin, slightly out of breath from mad-pace cleaning and running at full speed to get the door, forgets the smile he promised himself he’d give you, instead staring blankly at you and letting you walk in. To his surprise, you ignore a greeting too and walk inside, looking around the room at the barely covered walls (apart from the mirror Jisung took pictures in, and a shelf for Chan’s books). “Your place is… Nice.”

“Yeah, nice,” Changbin replies, clearing his throat as he shuts the door. He’s usually so talkative, what is about you that stops him from being able to form coherent sentences? Changbin isn’t sure. He stumbles over some more words as he follows you in staring down everything he jointly owned. “It’s uh… let’s do some work in my room. My friends will only cause problems if we’re in here.”

You nod, walking after him as he leads you to his room on the back at the right. He shuts the door behind the two of you, weary that Jisung would be able to hear your voice and come to inspect all that was going on.

Changbin watches as you sit on his floor, beside his desk, leaving the chair open for him. Not wanting to be a dick, he sits opposite to you and copies your stance in the hopes you won’t feel awkward being in a new environment. Changbin will learn that one of the things he loves about you is that you never seemed to be bothered by things like that.

He’s busy watching you log into your laptop, so your voice catches him by surprise. “I was actually looking into some studies yesterday so we can use that as a starting point. Unless you want to start over, and we take a different approach?”

“You already did some work, so you clearly know what you’re doing.” Changbin likes that you’re smart, too. He reveals in the fact you’re not just there for him because of his money, or because he can music,or even because you thought he was cute. You’re there for work and he respects that. “Just let me know what you need doing and I’ll help.”

He respects it to the degree that he can, anyway, since he didn’t particularly like doing the work and also felt bad when you sat there and did absolutely everything on the project whilst he just admired your pretty eyelashes and soft lips and… That’s for another day.

He sees you a few nights of the week, and somehow he manages to avoid both Chan and Jisung the entire time. It’s for your sake more than his, the pair of them were both on the get Changbin a girlfriend bandwagon and it annoyed the shit out of him.

Which is why he panics when he knows that Chan and Jisung are going to be at home and you’re most likely going to see them.

“Can I come over today?”

“That’s forward. Why?” Changbin asks, surprised by your presence directly next to him in the lecture hall. You usually left at least one seat between the two of you, but given your panicked voice, you were trying to cozy up to him for a reason he already knew the answer to.

Maybe he’s acting like this because part of him really just wants you to ask to come over so you can both spend time together without the underpinning task of your joint project. Yeah, Changbin hopes that you see more to him than just work.

Judging from your deadpan look, that is not the case. “For the project. It’s due soon and we’ve barely done anything.”

“Because it’s not that deep.” Changbin replies, shrugging as he returns to his notepad and writes the date in the top left corner. “If we fail, we fail. They’ll pass us anyway because if they fail us they look bad on rankings. Why bother?”

You don’t react to his words. Changbin should try a different approach to get some emotion from you, and the right emotion at that. “So we can get a good grade.”

“That’s not important to me. I don’t even wanna be in that class,” Changbin tells you.

“But I do, and I want to do well. So please, Changbin, just put a bit of effort in for me? I won’t bother you after this project, I won’t even talk to you, just help me get a good grade and it’s done. We won’t work together again.”

Ouch.

That hurt Changbin more than it was meant to, or at least more than he should have allowed it to. He sits in silence the rest of the lecture, checking on you every so often out of the corner of his eye, though not bothering to distract you from your work any more than he already had.

Part of him thinks that he should have stopped you before you left the lecture hall to apologise, but unfortunately for him his mind doesn’t work that quickly and he’s not sure how to make it up to you straight away.

He’s not even sure why he’s so bothered. You don’t mean that much time him, you’re just his partner for a university project and you probably won’t speak to him again afterwards.

Except he hoped you did speak to him afterwards, and he hoped you saw a friendship like he did, because it’s not often that Changbin has someone on his mind so much.

He didn’t want to sound like a stalker or anything. He wasn’t going to follow you around, he wasn’t going to make sure you were the only person he was talking to (since he was pretty sure you had your own group of friends which included one of Chan’s other friends, Felix), but he couldn’t help but wonder what you were up to at different times, or if you were thinking about him too.

God, it was like you were a drug he caught wind of and now he’s hooked to.

Which is why, the next day, he shows up at the library where he knows you’ll be (since you were always there on that day at that time, according to your snapchat), with the intention to apologise to you in a way that only Changbin can do.

It takes a while to find you, but when he does, he’s glad you’re on your own because he had a feeling that Felix boy had a thing for you given that he posts about you all the time and looks at you with massive heart eyes that Changbin wasn’t particularly in the mood for.

“Hey,” he says, sitting on the opposite side of the booth to you.

“Changbin?” You ask, raising a brow at him. You were clearly surprised to see him, too. Given his slight smile in your direction, you warm to the possibility of a conversation to him and pull out your earphones, abandoning the work you had in front of you. “Hey. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

Changbin finds himself at a loss for what to actually say to you. On one hand, he could say sorry, but that doesn’t really mean anything unless he’s actually showing you that he’s sorry. He should invite you over, he should ask you to do something with him, he should offer to finish the project for you, he should--

“Do you need something?” you ask, cutting off his thoughts before they got too much for him.

“Oh, yeah. I do, actually.” Changbin clears his throat, leaning forward on his elbows, hands clasped together. He can make it genuine, because for you he is genuinely apologetic. “I’m sorry about before. I was an asshole to you for no reason. You want to do well and so should I. So, you can spend the weekend at mine and we can finish the whole project then, and do it well. I cleared my schedule.”

His apology works like a charm, actually.

Probably because he was genuine towards you, and you could see that. He stays with you for a little bit but leaves eventually, heart a little warmer and blood free from any emotion he didn’t want (ie animosity). His walk home is filled with ideas for what you can both do together, since he didn’t intend to have this project take up the entire weekend, and he settles for getting you to play video games with him and actually asking you for your social media so it’s acceptable for you to follow him on everything.

Having you around fills him with this emotion he couldn’t quite process (ie, not animosity, but something more like adulation) and it does strike him exactly like the strongest drug he could have ever purchased. One right at the bottom of the black market, with a selling price of well over what he could have ever afford.

The difference with an actual drug? The effects were permanent. So maybe you were like therapy for a blackened and closed heart.

“I’m so tired,” you say, laying on his floor with your eyes shut.

He hides his silent chuckle at your form and his pout because he can’t stroke your hair like his gut told him to. Is that what you do in a relationship? Likely so. He wasn’t entirely sure, but that’s what they do on Jisung’s dramas. “I literally just got us pizza.”

“I know, but I’m still tired,” you reply, opening your eyes and looking straight to him, “we can just get up early and work on this tomorrow.”

Changbin shakes his head at your suggestion, gesturing over to your laptop that now has a black screen since you haven’t touched it in roughly… forty minutes. “No, I don’t get up early. We’re finishing this tonight. We just need three more paragraphs and we are done.”

You don’t concur. Changbin looks down to his keyboard, attempting to finish his sentence, though he feels your eyes on him and is compelled to look back to you and see what you need. Just like a relationship.

“What?” Changbin asks, studying your pout like he’s never seen one before. Well, he has, but mostly because he was rejecting a girl who didn’t care all too much for him. “Why are you doing that?”

When he brings up your pouting, you stop and return to an emotionless stare. After a few moments of unbroken eye contact, you sit up and push the chair from your face adjusting your sleeves. “Let’s just take a break then okay?”

“A break?” Changbin repeats, one brow slightly raised. He couldn’t dream of saying no to you again, since last time he hurt your feelings and he wasn’t ready to do that again. He likes talking to you. You’re interesting, and you make him feel like he is too. Whatever feelings you have towards him, it’s most definitely mutual. “Okay, we’ll take a break. For five minutes.”

“Tell me more about you, Changbin.”

“What do you want to know?” Changbin replies, noticing how quick you jump on the opportunity to ask him something person. Did you can about him? It would seem to be that way. No one really wants to know about him. He didn’t even want to talk about him, either.

But for you, he’ll say everything.

“Anything. Everything. Tell me your life story. That will get my mind working again so we finish this and have tomorrow to do whatever we want,” you return.

Changbin assumes you’ve forgotten the whole not talking after the project is over, and he’s happier than he’d want to admit about it.

That’s almost a turning point in your relationship. Almost because it changes again, all thanks to him, but that marked the two of you actually being friends, and Changbin likes that more than he would care to admit, too.

And friendship for him is more than he could have ever thought to ask for.

He thought that he say Chan and Jisung a lot, but compared to you it was nothing. The nights he would spend on his own were suddenly filled with your presence and he actually enjoyed being around other people for once, in the nicest way. There was something about his mostly extroverted but potentially introverted persona that meant he enjoyed the loneliness in the slightest way.

Except now, he didn’t at all.

He’d invite you over whenever he could, make sure that he had you around him when you were able to. Though your days were reserved for your other friends, which did include Felix and his friends, you spend your evenings with Changbin doing both work and friend things.

He enjoyed both, much to his surprise, but it was probably because he enjoyed the way you told him about business things much more than his teachers. Did he ever mention he loved how smart you were? Because he does, so much.

He also loves that you’re so effortlessly his best friend, in every way that you can be.

“No, Changbin,” you say, pushing his hands away from you. He acts surprised by your defiance, not giving up on having you play like you had agreed. You, however, continue your protests with a  “stop it. Don’t make me say it again.”

“You started it! I’m sorry you’re a major pussy and can’t play horror games. We said we would take turns!”

“It’s not funny!” You look away from him with a pout, the very one he’s grown so fond of over the time he’s know you, and face the door. Hearing Chan and Jisung chanting at the TV over some football game that was on, probably wasn’t the best thing for the situation. “Your friends probably think I’m stupid. I screamed loud.”

“Wanna bet?” Changbin asks, challenging your words in the best way he knows how.

Because you haven’t actually met the double team of Christopher ‘Chan’ Bang and Han Jisung, and Changbin knows that people aren’t usually that easy to adapt to their friend’s other friends.

If you’re easy to warm up to them, then Changbin knows you’re going to be easy for him to get on well with in the future. Who knows, maybe he can extend his relationship with you and you can be more than friends? That’s on him though, since he’s sure you don’t actually have any feelings towards him and he’s going to respect that until he’s one hundred per cent sure that confessing you is the most appropriate thing to do.

So Changbin drags you out to his friends, despite your very basic protests, planting you straight in front of the TV and making sure to deal with Chan and Jisung’s eye rolls and complaints that they were interrupting whatever team was playing.

“Chan, Jisung. Do you think she’s stupid?” Changbin asks, his dominance in their friendship clear from how he approaches them. He looks between them, then to you, switching between the two until he gets the answer he’s looking for.

“Stupid?” Chan repeats, looking over to you. He shakes his head, careless to what Changbin’s actually intentions were here. “No, you were playing Outlast, weren’t you?”

Jisung, on the other hand, has the full intentions to make sure that Changbin regrets ever trying to impress you with his friends. The youngest has a smirk as he directs his comments at both of you, but mostly you. “Hyung, you were screaming louder than her, you’re the pussy.”

Honestly, Changbin didn’t know someone’s laugh could brighten his entire day.

But that’s normal right?

To want to make you laugh every day, to listen to it on reply, to have to you laughing at something he said (so that you’re laughing because of him)?

He’s not sure, maybe he’s got a delusional idea of what is right and what is wrong in his head. Either way, Changbin vows that your friendship will be good and you’ll enjoy every minute of it that you’re in it with him.

And that means that you’ll be doing everything with him, whether you like it or not.

Changbin hopes you do like it, though. He can’t keep wondering whether you will, so he decides one day when you’re both walking to class together that he should check. “Let’s do more stuff together.”

“More stuff?” you repeat, looking up to him questioningly. He nods, though you’re still not buying. “You literally leave the house for lectures and that’s it.”

“But you like doing stuff, so I’ll do it with you,” Changbin says, hoping to convince you with a little bit of affection.

That works well, too.

Changbin went from not being able to talk to you, struggling to know what to reply to you, and being as awkward as he ever could be around a person, to silently begging for you to want to spend more time with him.

And do you? Well, Changbin would wait for you to answer that. At first he thinks not, since you don’t approach him with anything, but when you spot him at the cafeteria in one of the business buildings, and you run after him with a wide smile, he changes his mind a little.

Skip the formalities, a greeting from you is a form of therapy within itself.

“There’s this thing.”

Changbin hums, looking to you as you both approach the elevator to go to your class on the third floor. “Right. This thing.”

“Can you come with me?” you ask, surprising him a little. He doesn’t frown, his eyes just widen a little. You must have noticed because you’re quick to try and convince him. “It won’t take up too much of your evening. I don’t want to go on my own.”

Oh, you must want him to come if you're convincing him.

“I don’t even know what it is you want me to come to,” Changbin returns, shrugging.

“It’s just a… poetry, thing.” Changbin thinks it’s cute, though keeps his look placid to make sure you’re not quick to read him. He worries, given that you’re basically an empath, you’ll catch onto the fact that his feelings are becoming a bit too prominent for him to control. “Boring, I know. I’ll make it up to you, but you might enjoy it. Who knows.”

He didn’t need to enjoy it to go along; Changbin was going to seize an opportunity to spend some time with you on your invitation again.

Since your presence was the drug he couldn’t kick from his system as of yet, or a therapy session he paid above and beyond for, and a poetry session with you was a strange way of getting a high, or help, he needed.

To imagine you each time they spoke of a starry sky, a roaring fire, even a firework that explodes in the sky, he would have paid a lot for that anyway.

And he got it for free.

Spending time with you was something Changbin would have given a lot up for. As it turns out, you liked it too, since you let him walk you home and even invited him in (politely asking him not to judge your place since you weren’t rich and student loans didn’t provide that much to an international student anyway). No, nothing happened, as much as anyone may have thought it did.

Changbin didn’t have the intentions to do something with you, and maybe you felt the same. He didn’t notice you didn’t have any pictures of you with any guys at home, or their clothes in your room, so maybe he did have a chance.

That was a weight off his shoulders, at the very least. You probably didn’t have a boyfriend, and he was moving more in that direction now.

“Hey,” Changbin says, distracting you for the lecturer at the front. You look over to him, since you both sit directly next to each other now, and nod for him to continue. “Are you free, later?”

You nod again. “All day, why?”

“Do you want to do something together?”

“Sure,” you return, bringing some relief to Changbin’s heart that was beating at about 200 miles an hour. He lets his cheeks twitch a little, but never does actually smile at you. You keep your voice down but still keep your interest at hand, “what do you have in mind?”

Changbin shrugs, passing his phone across the desk to you, since he had a film already opened that he thought would be cute to see with you. A horror movie, at that, but it was up his alley and yours too. “This movie came out recently and if you wanted to, we can see it together?”

It’s a terrifying three seconds waiting for you to answer. “I’d like that.”

So seeing a movie becomes your weekly thing together, alongside the things you already do. You really do end up spending every night with him, the bonus being that you also get along well with Jisung and Chan too, and the four of you somehow form a friendship that Changbin would never have been able to foresee in the past.

You were once someone he sat a few seats from in a lecture, and now you’re standing in his kitchen playing hot potato with a sponge that Jisung had used to mop up (quite a bit of) soy sauce from the side that he spilt. Given that Chan and Jisung had been throwing at each other, and then Jisung involved you, it was a given Changbin was going to get involved to.

“Hey Changbin,” you shout, the boy looking up to you with wide eyes as he leaves the bathroom, still drying his hands on his jeans, “think fast.”

Changbin’s heart is heavy because you remembered to include him, of course he very much enjoys your thoughts going straight to him, so he doesn’t get much time to react to a soy sauce soaked sponge launched directly at his chest. “Hey!”

“I said think fast!”

Chasing you into his bedroom is one way to get a girl in there, even if it’s because you know he works out and if threw that back at you, you would probably lose a rib because of the sheer force. Not that he would actually do that - he throws it back to Chan who looks at the two of you like you are a resident married couple.

No that you have to know that. “Get back here!”

Yeah, his bedroom. You have a lot of memories there. From getting to know him in there, and finally understanding what goes on in his deep, dark mind, all the way to watching horror movies together and eventually sleeping in his bed together.

On your demand that is. You think Changbin has it in him to ask if you want to stay over? The poor boy could barely get out 4 words about his feelings, yet alone ask you something like sleep in my bed or even just stay over, and he would stay on the couch.

“Your bed is so comfortable.” Your words, like always, catch him off guard. He was working on a song with both Jisung and Chan, and he had the lucky job of producing the final product. “Let me sleep here.”

Changbin avoids having another internal meltdown and deals with this by not actually dealing with it at all. He nods, noticing that you’re pretty comfortable already. “Okay.”

“Okay,” you repeat, slightly questioning his response. Did you expect him to say yes? Probably not. Changbin gave you the impression he liked his personal space. Luckily he knew he would be pretty boring tonight and would be up to the early hours of the morning, so letting you sleep meant he could get on with the song without the recurring thought of you. “I bet girls ask you to do this all the time.”

“Sure,” Changbin answers. You weren’t wrong, they used to, but he hadn’t even spoken to another girl since… you came into his life.

He has all of about ten minutes of actual music time before he realises you’re already asleep, tucked away in the corner of his bed under the black blanket he usually didn’t use because it got to hot.

You’re cute when you sleep. Changbin can’t help the warm feeling that spreads over him as he admires you from the other side of the room, smiling to himself as he tries his very best to get on with the song he wanted to.

He does have to stop a few times to look back at you, check you were okay and we’re too cold (or too hot, for that matter), but he finishes what he wanted to around 4am and practically collapses in the bed beside you without even considering whether he should have slept on the floor instead.

His eyes were too heavy and mind clouded by music to even consider that you were nothing but his friend and the few inches of space between the two of you was easily filled if one of you moved.

If both of you moved, well… it would mean you ended up with your head on his shoulder, his arm around you and resting on your waist.

“Sorry,” you say softly, lifting your body when you realise what position you’re in. Changbin was an active participant in that too, but you probably didn’t realise. It will forever remain a mystery which one of you initiated the (kind of) cuddling. “I didn’t mean to…”

Changbin shakes his head, pulling you back down to where you were before when he sees the numbers 07 on his clock at the end of his bed. He’s too tired to notice you place your arm over his chest, and he’s practically sleeping again when he mumbles to you that he’s okay with it. “It’s fine. I didn’t say anything.”

That’s practically where your relationship starts to change. Not that you both confessed your feelings to one another when you woke up later, but there was a definite shift in the dynamic between the two of you.

Things continue as normal, with a hint of a romantic feeling between the two of you, though neither of you address it. Changbin’s content with where you both are, even if he realises that he does get jealous of you and Felix, you and whoever isn’t him, because he most definitely has feelings towards you which reflect that of a boyfriend.

A boyfriend you already had, mind you.

“Do you remember when I got mad at you about the project?”

“Mhm.” Changbin was busy eating his noodles and didn’t pick up on the signs you were showing him. He tries to make a joke, since when he looks up you look a little sad. It was just the downturned lips and sparkly eyes. Glassy. Changbin means glassy. “You told me that you wouldn’t talk to me again.”

You hum, facing the table for a little longer than usual. “I was a bitch ‘cause my boyfriend and I broke up.”

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” Changbin replies honestly. He should have expected it. You both hadn’t know each other that long then, and you already had broken up with your boyfriend? It surprises him. It angers him that someone hadn’t appreciated you enough to love you.

“Hwang Hyunjin?” His name burns some hatred into Changbin. That asshole? Yeah, everyone know who Hyunjin was. He didn’t realise you two dated, and he would have warned against it if he did know, even though you both weren’t that close. “Yeah, I should have realised that was going to end up that way.”

Of course Changbin reports this information back to Jisung (and Chan, since he was there) since the youngest had been the first to realise that Changbin was, you know, in love with you.

Even before Changbin. That little asshole figured it all from the silence of his own bedroom. Is it weird that he was listening through the walls to figure out just how his hyung felt towards the pretty girl who kept coming over. Then he shared it with Chan, who also had his suspicions, but kept it quiet.

“He said he didn’t love her,” Jisung retells a tale he heard from one of his other friends who knew Hyunjin from some society, Woojin. “What a dick.”

“You should tell her how you feel,” Chan interjects, seeing an opportunity for things to be made better.

Changbin, however, does not see things the same way. It’s probably his fear for the situation, a genuine worry that anyone who loves another has when it comes to confessing. “What if it makes things worse?”

“No, it won’t,” Jisung states, taking a bite from his apple.

“You sound sure.”

Jisung nods at Changbin’s words, finishing his bite before talking. The youngest, like most of the youngest in friendship groups, sees himself as a bit of a prodigy in relationships. Didn’t Changbin write the love songs? He did. Jisung nods again before confirming. “‘Cause I’m right.”

Changbin hopes Jisung’s right, too.

He’s a nervous wreck the entire day he plans to tell you how he feels.

Probably the fear of rejection, no matter how much Jisung told him that he wouldn’t be rejected. He asked to meet you at 1pm and he shows up twenty minutes early, expecting to be alone, but sees you sitting at the able you both claimed as your own in the cafe near to uni.

He panics briefly, walking away with his head hung low, though stops himself and walks back to you when he remembers that he’s doing this for more than just his own state of mind.

It’s so that you know not everyone is like Hwang Hyunjin, and you can have someone love you.

“Can we talk?” Changbin says, stopping beside the table with wide eyes.

“About what?” You look up to him and frown at his expression. Though you gesture of the seat opposite to you, Changbin takes a few moments to actually sit down. He’s surprised you already bought him coffee, and it’s exactly how he likes it too. “You’re the second person today who looks like they’re going to pass out on me. Seriously, are you okay, Changbin?”

“I’m fine,” Changbin answers.

The coffee is hot and burns his tongue a little. He tries his best not to react, staring at you with the most affection he can actually process. It’s for the best to tell you, and it won’t change things drastically. If you wanted to reject him, you wouldn’t have returned some of his signals. Whatever they were. Jisung was convinced they were there.

Fuck it. Changbin places his hands flat on the table when he realises that he needs to just say it rather than keep it as a thought in his mind.“I needed to admit to you that… I’ve seen you differently, recently.”

“Differently?”

You were clearly both on different wavelengths.

“I think I love you.”

“Love me?”

“Well, I didn’t think it was love but then I was thinking more about it and I realised that every time I’m with you, it’s like the sun has a single beam that is shining right down on me and I literally just want to stare at you and listen to you laugh and watch you smile because you are the very definition of what makes me happy and it’s hard for me to explain because I know how much you doubt yourself and you will never see yourself the way that I see you, but… I do love you, and there’s nothing in this world that I could want more than showing you that.”

Changbin could put that in a love song.

He’s breath is a little shaky as you look back at him without an answer. He doesn’t particularly need one, lest it be for you to admit that you do actually feel the same way towards him. He stops thinking about it, like he should have a long time ago, and asks you what he’s wanted to since you slept in his arms and you laughed at his jokes and you showed an interest in him that no one else ever had.

“So please, for the sake of my own sanity, will you be my girlfriend and let me show you the love that no one else has?”

He’s sure that no matter what answer you give to him, he’ll always love you anyway.

For you were the one that showed him what it’s like to have a different perspective on life, too.

You didn’t see yourself the way he saw you, but it was the same vice versa. The very definition for happiness in your own personal dictionary always had his name written down in it. Seo Changbin, the one who could love you back.

The song that never leaves your memory.

The key to a lock that was never opened before.

Saying no wasn’t an option.

You were a rainbow, and Changbin had been waiting for you the entire storm.

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 8

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: Calypso makes another new friend.

A/N: Time to introduce Hazel! Since some of you may be interested in my ToA read, I'm currently reading TTT and it’s reminding me how great Frank and Hazel are. In my fic Hazel is 18 and Frank 20, just for future reference.

Thanks to Cris for helping me out and listening to my rants again, and thanks to the people who commented the previous chapter! I hope you guys enjoy this one too and don't forget that even a short comment like "nice" can make my day!

Characters in this ch: Calypso, Hazel, Leo

Words: 1900+

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / next chapter / AO3

...

As the fall progressed, Calypso, who had brought a couple of her favorite paintings with her to her new flat, decided to show some of her art to Annabeth. The architect student complimented them and encouraged her to continue creating art, but Calypso admitted that sometimes it was hard to find the motivation to do it on her own. She preferred making things that she could actually use, such as clothes, but she wasn’t opposed to continuing the art hobby if she found a motivator. Annabeth suggested she join the university art club that had classes for various skill levels and where she’d get feedback to help her get even better. The blonde girl wished she had more time to draw just for fun because her university assignments took a lot of her time, but in Calypso’s case her studies had quite little to do with art so maybe the club would offer her a nice break from history.

And so, only a week later Calypso was participating in her first art class at the university club house. She looked curiously around her to see if she might know someone there from her history lectures, but it turned out that wasn’t the case. However, her attention focused on a girl with curly brown hair, dark skin and eyes so unusually colored that they stood out even from afar. Something about her fascinated Calypso and she decided to approach her.

“Hi!” she greeted.

“Hello. Is this your first time here as well?” the other girl asked.

“Yes! An architect student recommended this club for me so I decided to give it a shot,” Calypso explained.

“Mmmh. I’m not a college student – yet because I’m graduating from high school a bit late – but they graciously let me join when I showed them my art portfolio. I just felt like the high school art classes don’t have much to give me anymore so I wanted to try something different.”

“I see. So, is art something you’d like to do for living? Or just a hobby?” Calypso asked.

“To be honest? I’m not entirely sure yet,” the girl admitted. “Something happened that I was kind of out of it for a few months and that’s why it was hard to think about my future for a while. But one way or another I’ll probably still keep doing art no matter what.”

“Oh. I’m sorry about that…” Calypso said sympathetically.

“It’s in the past now, I’m fine!” the girl reassured. “Uh, I already told you that but I didn’t even ask you your name yet… What is it?”

“Calypso Astal. Yes, I know, like that music style… or that Greek sorceress…”

“I was not going to say that.” the girl shook her head, smiling politely. “I was simply going to say it’s nice to meet you, Calypso! My name is Hazel, Hazel Levesque.”

“Well, nice to meet you too, Hazel,” Calypso said, shaking her hand. “Sorry, I hope I didn’t sound rude… I’m just used to people making weird comments about my name.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it! I can understand that very well. I’m a little too used to people’s comments about anything related to my life at this point…” she said sadly. Now Calypso knew what had drawn her to Hazel in the first place: somehow she had sensed that the girl was an outsider, just like she was.

“So, how long have you been drawing, Hazel?” Calypso decided to change the topic.

“Since I was small. It’s always felt like a good way to express my thoughts and also distract myself when things weren’t that great. What about you, though?”

“I think I’ve always been more or less interested in it, but I didn’t start drawing and painting more seriously until I was in high school. I had a lot of time in my hands then…” Calypso said vaguely.

“That’s cool! What else do you do in your free time?” Hazel asked when she realized Calypso wouldn’t elaborate more.

“I like all kinds of handicrafts – you know, from sewing to building small objects and tending flowers – and I also enjoy singing… although usually I do that just on my own…” Calypso admitted, sounding a little bit embarrassed.

“Wow, sounds like you’re such a multitalent!” the younger girl exclaimed. “I help take care of a horse – his name is Arion and a friend who is good with horses claims that he’s loud mouthed even though I have no idea how he can say that. Arion is just vocal, that’s all.”

Calypso snorted at that.

“Yeah, I believe you. My flatmate would probably claim that he’s entirely capable of understanding everything his dog says, though.”

“Aw, your flatmate has a dog?” Hazel asked.

“Yep, he does, but he is not allowed to have it in our flat. Though he still did, when I arrived, and the dog broke my desk. I wasn’t too happy with my flatmate after that but he hasn’t brought the dog in since then,” Calypso said, now able to smile at the memory.

“I’d love to have one too but for some reason a lot of the dogs seem a little afraid of me. I don’t know why.” Hazel shrugged. “But my, uh, friend studies to become a vet and he’s around animals a lot.”

“That sounds like a cool career. I never really got to be around animals a lot in my childhood… But I do remember enjoying watching birds from the window.” Calypso also remembered wishing she could fly freely like them but she decided to not say that out loud, wanting to focus on more positive things.

The conversation died off because the teacher started explaining the participants the schedule of their meetings and what kind of projects they would make. The first assignment sounded like a fun one in Calypso’s opinion: it was called “If I could be any other living creature”. That meant the students were allowed to draw or paint themselves as any animal or plant they could imagine themselves being. At first Calypso thought about drawing one of her favorite flowers but then she remembered her and Hazel’s discussion only from a moment ago and how she had wished she could be a bird. And that gave her an idea.

The bird she chose was called the Golden Oriole. She had only seen one in her childhood on a trip to northern Greece but she still remembered the yellow feathers and the dark wings very well. Her own hair had been lighter back then as well, more of golden blonde than the caramel brown it was naturally now (before the dyeing) which had really stood out with her dark eyes. That’s why her mother had teased her about looking like Golden Oriole. Thinking about those times made Calypso feel a bit homesick but she decided to channel her emotions into the painting instead of wallowing in them. Once she had gotten started, she took a peek at what Hazel was making. Hazel herself had depicted herself as a horse but somehow she had also time to sketch a bear next to it. That confused Calypso. “What does the bear represent?” she asked Hazel.

“It’s gonna be a panda,” Hazel clarified, “and it’s supposed to depict my best friend. I felt he deserved to be drawn too. He is big and strong like a panda but surprisingly soft inside… I want to show how these two animals, though very different, can get along really well.”

“That’s a great topic. And he sounds like a good guy,” Calypso said approvingly.

“He is,” Hazel nodded and took a look at Calypso’s work. “That looks pretty! So, you consider yourself a bird?”

“Well, at least I’d like to be.” She shrugged. “Maybe one day.”

“I sense something is restricting you,” Hazel commented. “But don’t worry, you don’t have to tell me more.”

“Thanks,” Calypso said with relief, and after that the girls focused on their drawings again.

…

Once the class was over, the girls continued talking on their way to the bus stop.

“I’m sorry, this might be a strange thing to say but… I got a bit different vibe from you than from most people in the class. Do you know why?” Hazel inquired.

“Could be because I’m technically a foreigner,” Calypso replied. “I was also homeschooled so… I haven’t really been in touch with people of my age a lot.”

“Really?” Hazel raised her eyebrows. “Where are you from?”

“Greece. But we moved from there when I was 10.”

“Your English is so good that I wouldn’t have been able to tell you’re not from here. I’ve lived in many places too. I was born in New Orleans but I’ve also lived in Alaska and San Francisco…”

“What brought you here, then?” Calypso asked.

Hazel seemed to hesitate a bit. “Uh, it’s a very long story. One I’d rather not talk about right now. But after I recovered from an accident I’ve been trying to find my place. My best friend moved to study here and he’s the closest family I have so I decided I’m gonna follow him.”

Calypso noticed that Hazel blushed a bit when she was talking about her friend.

“And your parents were OK with you moving?” she asked, having too much experience with overprotective parents.

“Uh…” Hazel started awkwardly. “I don’t really have any. Mom is dead and my dad only shows up when it’s convenient to him. I lived with a relative for a few months before I turned 18 but once I was that old, she told me that I was free to make my own decisions.”

“I’m so sorry. About your parents.” Calypso said sympathetically. For some reason she seemed to be pulling a lot of people with tragic backgrounds towards her.

“It might be awful to say this but I think my mom is in a better place now. She suffered a lot in her life,” Hazel said as an afterthought.

Calypso only nodded, because really, what could you say to that? The other girl seemed to sense her hesitance because she continued:

“But don’t worry about me. Frank is the best and most protective friend I could have. And here I have found some new ones as well!”

“That is good!” Calypso said genuinely. She already felt like she could relate to this girl and wished a brighter future for her. “Um, I have some things I need to do at home but I’ll see you next week, right? And if you ever want to hang out outside the class, just message me.”

“I will!” Hazel promised and waved to her as goodbye.

…

Leo was making something to eat in the kitchen when Calypso arrived and he looked at the package in Calypso’s arms curiously.

“Hiya Sunshine, what you got there?” he asked.

“I was at the art club and did this,” Calypso said, taking the drawing from the bag and showing it to Leo.

“That’s a cool bird,” Leo mumbled while trying to swallow his sandwich. “Is there some deeper meaning to it?”

“Yes, it’s supposed to depict me,” Calypso answered, emphasizing the last word.

Leo looked back and forth between the drawing and the artist.

“I’m not really seeing the connection there.” He narrowed his eyes as if trying to see the drawing clearer. “You look nothing like that bird.”

“Leo Valdez!” Calypso yelled and marched angrily into her room, leaving poor Leo wonder what he did wrong.

“I just meant that you’re way prettier than any drawing of a bird could ever be,” he mumbled to himself before sighing and focusing on his meal again.

[bakudekuficlibrary]

Do you have any fics where bakugou is disabled? Yalls blog is sooooo wonderful, and I love yall sooooo much. 😍😍😍😍😍😍💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

Hey there! I’d like to note firstly that I’m able-bodied and I’m definitely not an expert on what is or isn’t a disability. I’ve tried to include all the physical and non-physical disabilities I could find. If I’ve been offensive or inconsiderate in any way here, please let me know.

- Jay

1 Series. 38 Works. 

Physical Disabilities 

The Way You Used To Do by edema_ruh( T |298,721+ | 18/? )

“We’re really sorry,” his father says, in a teary-eyed, wobbly way. “But your friend, Izuku, he’s… He’s gone, son.”

Katsuki can do nothing but blink up at them for moments that feel like an eternity, eyes darting between both his parents in obvious confusion, disbelief, and, more than anything, indignation.

“What the fuck are you two talking about? The damn nerd is standing right beside you!”

During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Stuck in a ghost-like state, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in his state is no one other than Kacchan.

Alternatively: Deku and Kacchan have their souls bound to each other.

[PTSD]

[On Hiatus] That’s That by Fif Sold Her Soul( T |26,079+ | 8/? )

After receiving a life-changing injury that leaves him unable to do any hero work, Bakugou does the best next thing to save face and hide his condition from the world; He becomes a teacher at U.A

Easy right?

Apart from dealing with his rambunctious homeroom class, the new and annoying as fuck generation of villains, his new protégé, and his crippling self-esteem issues, and his crush on fucking Deku, all while hiding his condition from the world, then yeah pretty easy. Not.

Bakugou suddenly has a fuckton respect for Aizawa.

[Abuse | Suicide Mention]

Missed Connections by Labellevita( M |9,765+ | 3/5 )

Deaf Uni student Bakugou can’t catch a break, but he does catch the scent of a fantastic smelling omega.

Dull by choimarie( G |714 | 1/1 )

day 2: your eyes

“What? Never have seen a hot dude before?”

SeriesPart 2 of Bakudeku week 2k18

Tired by igrewupwiththis( Not Rated |10,980 | 2/2 )

Bakugou is just so exhausted, and he needs someone who takes care of him. y'all already know who it is.

Let’s Start Over Again by BrightEyesEren( T |4,107 | 1/1 )

Ten years down the road. Izuku and Katsuki went their separate ways, living their own lives, until they meet again after a tragic turn of events.

Izuku realises how fragile fire actually is.

love is blind (and deaf) by kagehinataboke( T |789 | 1/1 )

Izuku hesitantly opens the door, wielding an umbrella and ready to square up against a mugger. but it’s only one of his neighbors: a new one, in fact. Izuku faintly recalls him moving in a few weeks ago, but one unfriendly glare was enough to stop him from approaching.

he discreetly drops the umbrella behind the door. “can i help you?”

— a bakudeku one-shot

Thought So by zuccin( G |771 | 1/1 )

Midoriya watches Katsuki walk away as he remember the sorrowful past. And he’s glad everything turned out in the end.

I guess… I’ll just… fuckin’ read this by TheGeekProblem( G |1,533 | 1/1 )

Izuku works the graveyard shift in a diner and he’s really tired. A group of people come at 2 a.m. What could go wrong?

Senses by Phayte( E |22,294+ | 6/? )

In a freak accident through battle, Bakugou loses his sight. This is the story of his struggle, downward spiral, and the friends that get him through it.

Everything Before Mourning by hollyandvice( M |15,527 | 1/1 )

“Whatever this is has got you running scared, Kacchan. If it’s got you scared, it’s got me terrified. So please, just… just tell me what’s going on.”

Kacchan runs a hand over his face, suddenly looking old and tired and nothing at all like what Izuku is used to. It makes the tension in Izuku’s chest go even tighter, as though trying to suffocate him. Izuku bites back the fear that wants to spill over his tongue and tries to just pay attention to Kacchan.

Whatever this is, they’re going to get through it together.

When a fight with a villain has longer-reaching consequences than Kacchan expected, he calls on Izuku to help him through. Izuku doesn’t quite know what that will entail, but he knows he won’t back down from this. Not from Kacchan. Not ever.

Am I Ready? by Ryxmas( G |6,226 | 1/1 )

Even after one and a half years after his disappearance, Izuku never really stopped thinking about Katsuki. After all, Katsuki always had a habit of barging into your life, even if you never expected it.

No Warning by DeafBakugou( G |10,375 | 1/1 )

Bakugou survives a natural disaster and has to navigate the world without the normal accommodations he depends on as a Deaf individual.

Finding Out and Confessions by Needle_In_A_NeedleStack( G | 605 | 1/1 )

Bakugo is deaf, that’s why he’s always so loud. He hasn’t told anyone. So when Midoriya Izuku accidentally finds out Bakugo’s secret, how will things change.

Lost The Fight by Katt1848( T |1,733 | 1/1 )

Every Hero remembers the first time they weren’t able to save someone. This is Katsuki’s.

transfigured night by bittermoons( M |6,044 | 1/1 )

An unexpected hospital trip changes things between Izuku Midoriya, age forty-four, and his longtime roommate, co-parent, and co-composer, Katsuki Bakugou.

Migraines and Emotional Pains by Leonidas1754( G | 1,212 | 1/1 )

Bakugo gets migraines often, resulting in going home early and Midoriya taking care of him. Said migraines also often result in thinking too much about himself and Midoriya, and how much he simply doesn’t deserve Midoriya’s love. Thankfully, Midoriya still knows how to handle him.

[Abandoned] An Internship by Aizawa_mf_Shouta, Qnonymous( Not Rated |2,954 | 6/? )

Bakugou isn’t happy, and it only gets worse.

hole in the wall by imanimoon( M |1,214+ | 1/? )

The camera’s perspective shook as the holder zoomed in on the hero. Maybe they were hoping to catch the moment in which Zero would pull himself to his feet with gritted teeth and then, in a vicious roar, promise the demise of his opponent before seeing to it. As he always did.But he’d barely moved a muscle.The sound crackled on as someone yelled out to the hero before cutting off right after.“Why isn’t he moving?”What seemed like hours could only have been mere minutes before the camera caught someone’s faint whisper, their voice coated in trembling disbelief, “I-I don’t think he can.”

It’d been years since Japan had experienced a tragedy of this magnitude. Some even called it “The Leveling,” villains unleashing havoc around the city leaving hundreds of civilians dead, numerous buildings grounded, and even heroes brought to their knees.

When Bakugou awakens in a hospital without the ability to walk, he believes his life is over. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to retain his number one hero status as a “cripple”. It isn’t until his childhood friend re-enters his life and shows him firsthand that Pro-Heroes aren’t the only ones who can save people.

[Ableism | PTSD]

Champion by DirtyDeku( M |575 | 1/1 )

Hiya!! This is based on a few roleplays I’ve had with my dear friend!! I hope you all enjoy it.

[Rape/Non-Con]

Non-Physical Disabilities

[Series] Schizophrenic Bakugou by masteremeraldholder( T |22,496 | 3 Works | Complete )

In which, Bakugou Katsuki has schizophrenia, and how he deals with it in everyday life.

[Suicide Attempt | Self Harm | Panic Attacks | Ableism]

Longing for Clarity by sushisama( E |106,663+ | 16/23 )

Slice of life AU. Check notes in first chapter for more specific details.Katsuki is in his senior year, and though he’s dealing his own questionable mental condition, he can’t help the excitement of the upcoming graduation. But his boyfriend, Izuku, has been acting strange, being almost a little too intimate. They come to find out that Izuku is going through the fermin, a predicament certain Quirk holders go through. Now Katsuki is being forced into considering relinquishing the secrecy of their relationship, if only to keep all he wandering eyes from Izuku.

SeriesPart 1 of Fermin Story

And You Got To Me by hopeboiwonder( M |17,547 | 4/4 )

Katsuki’s need to immerse himself in something that wasn’t his new day in day out routine of working and sleeping leads him to discover a coffee shop in the middle of the night. Cafe Yagi.

Izuku’s hair billows and bunches, chasing after him like a salty, green ocean wave; churning up crests of bright shimmer from the light above. His eyes brown bowls speckled with rich golden rings around his pupils; and remind him of the thin film of crema on top of a freshly pulled espresso shot…

Needless to say, coffee hasn’t left his mind since.

Crash by Storyofanotakuslife( T |2,089 | 1/1 )

Bad days aren’t unusual for Katsuki, he’s learned to handle them the best he can. Which usually means alone. But bipolar doesn’t care about your feelings, and for once he’s actually willing to accept some outside help.

(Can be read as platonic or romantic bakudeku)

Izuku’s Home for Wayward Pets by glamour_weeb( E |50,436+ | 11/? )

Izuku works at the Bureau of Companion Protection as a rehabilitator for abused and abandoned Companions, animal-human hybrids. He’s seen his fair share of cruelty cases and even fostered a few Companions, but he’s never had a Companion of his own, until now. After rescuing Katsuki from a life in an illegal, underground Companion fighting ring, Izuku must take in the wolfdog that no one else can handle.

Eventually, Katsuki comes to love his new home, as well as his new Master.

[PTSD | Past Abuse]

be loved by bonnia( T |5,403 | 1/1 )

They sit there, in the darkness of the common room, about a few centimeters between them, but miles apart. Somehow, the quiet is companionable. More than it has been in many years. Katsuki knows he’s responsible for the rift between them, and he knows even more that it can’t only be Deku who attempts to mend it.

“Hey,” he says, after a while, and Deku turns to him in question, but Katsuki refuses to look his way. “Touch me again.”

(or: the kidnapping incident leaves bakugou traumatised about being touched on the back of his neck, and midoriya decides to take matters into his own hands)

[PTSD | Panic Attacks]

new eyes by WabiSabi( T |56,645+ | 16/? )

Katsuki wakes up 22 years in the past.

With no other choice, he moves on.

(Or where Katsuki tries to mind his own business and fails spectacularly because he can´t stand people pissing over those who gained his respect. Even Deku. Especially Deku.)

SeriesPart 1 of Decrescente

[PTSD]

The Absolute Truth by Glon_Morski ( E |67,078 | 5/5 )

“What words did you say, exactly? Share with us. Show us how much of a monster you really are, Ground Zero.”

I told him…

‘Shut up!’

…that I have a time saving idea for him…

‘Shut up!’

…that if he wants to have a quirk that badly…

‘Shut the fuck up!!!’

…he should take a swan dive off a roof and hope for a quirk in his next life

The pain blooms on his throat this time as the characters that write the answer carve themselves into his skin. It doesn’t feel like a scalpel cutting through his skin this time. Nor does it feel like his skin is breaking on its own after being stretched too thin. Instead, the experience is akin to having his throat literally shredded, as if a million of tiny, jagged claws or teeth are digging into his flesh and pulling at it to brand him with the words.

This time, Katsuki screams.

A.K.A In which Katsuki is captured by villains who want to expose him as a ‘false hero’ (as per Stain’s ideology) and use a truth serum-like quirk to do it.

Mind the tags.

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | PTSD | Panic Attacks]

[On Hiatus] You Were October Nights by AlchemyandHeroAnalysis( E |27,728+ | 4/? )

Across the locker room, tucked into the small corner of the wall separating the changing room and the showers, sat the Bakugou Katsuki with his knees drawn up to his chest and his head tucked in his arms. If Izuku hadn’t heard him, he probably would never have seen him to begin with. But he could. He could see and hear everything.

Please, don’t be real.

His gut twisted painfully as Katsuki’s broken sobs echoed against the concrete walls. His entire body shook with each desperate wail that escaped him. It sounded as though he was in complete and utter agony, painfully vulnerable and without any remote sign of stopping.

Summary:Izuku stumbles upon an emotionally distraught Katsuki in the agency locker room and is horrified by what he sees. What could have possibly happened to make his childhood friend this … broken?

[Rape/Non-Con | PTSD | Abuse | Self Harm | Addiction]

I Could Never Know A World Without You. by Kasplode( M |45,800+ | 9/? )

“Stay back, Deku.”

Izuku doesn’t listen. That decision leads to his death.

In a twist of fate that entwines him irrevocably with Katsuki, it turns out their time together isn’t over yet.

(OR: the bodysharing wonder duo AU where Izuku is kidnapped along with Katsuki, and the combination of unprecedented quirks leads to unexpected results.)

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | PTSD | Panic Attacks | Dissociation | Abuse]

Letting Go is the Ruffest Thing by SurelyHeavenWaits( T |5,541 | 1/1 )

For Bakugou Katsuki, storms bring change and never the good kind. Those howling winds and driving droplets of rain spell the end of an era for him, every single time.

Until this storm.

This storm brings Deku.

[PTSD]

[On Hiatus] Lost and found by Sad_Pawn( T |12,329+ | 6/? )

Katsuki is finally back after being taken by the League of Villains. However, he seems to have lost an important piece of himself. Can he recover without it?

Midoriya is so relieved that Kacchan is back and safe. But when he visits him, he immediately notices something is terribly, terribly wrong. Can he help restore his childhood friend's hope?

[PTSD | Panic Attacks]

Fix Me by goateyes( E | 8,901+ | 3/? )

After an important mission goes south Bakugo finds himself in the hospital suffering from a severe injury. His agency forces him to go to physical therapy where he meets his therapist Midoriya, love (and chaos) ensues.

[Graphic Depictions of Violence | PTSD]

ghostin' by chaoticheroes( G |1,583 | 1/1 )

“I’m proud of you.”

“You’ve said that already, dumbass.”

“Yeah, well, I am. Proud of you, that is.” Katsuki rolls his eyes and tries to turn his head away but Izuku presses his hand to his cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. Izuku can’t see clearly but if he could, he knows Katsuki would be matching him with the same intensity that he’s known for. “I have every right to be proud of you. I love you. You having issues that are a little bigger than the both of us changes absolutely none of that, Kacchan.”

[PTSD]

The Bonds that bind by EloFromMars( E | 2,818 | 1/1 )

Izuku is excited, tonight is their anniversary. He had planned everything. Or so he thought.

[PTSD | Panic Attacks]

[On Hiatus] Routine by strawberryflavoring( M |1,714+ | 1/? )

Bakugou isn't good at handling himself, and Deku's been too busy to see him getting worse. So, as you'd probably expect, Bakugou flips shit.

[Rape/Non-Con | PTSD | Self Harm]

[birdlingstarot]

I will graduate next year from high school. I was wondering if you'd give me read whether my grades now and in the future will be enough for me to get a quota SNMPTN (a pass for students who have good and stable grades throughout the school year, and if got the quota, they can choose which uni and faculty they want, and if accepted by the system, they don't need to do any college test). Give me an encouragement and advices too, please? Sorry if it's too much. Thank you. -Lani 🌻✨🐈

Hello  🌻 Lani 🌻✨🐈!

A little birdie told me this 🕊

To start of, there’s a message for you 🌻 Lani. 

You’re doing well so don’t worry too much. Things might seem all over the place and you can’t seem to understand a lot of things but it’ll clear sooner or later. Look at the situation with clear eyes, to be in the present. Through this phase, you might realise and even learn something about yourself. So, don’t worry too much. We’re looking out and over you.

What are some possible outcomes of this situation / phase? LXXVII - Aletheia

It’s all about prespective. No matter if you did get the quota or not, there are pros and cons to them. Depending on how it ends, it will either grow yourself externally or internally. For instance, if you were to get the quota, you’d gain recognition and likely learnt about the external effort you put in to achieve it. On the other hand, if you were not to get the quota, you could learn to understand how to get through the disappoint them and the feelings attached to the ‘failure’.

Don’t worry too much about the ending and be open to all the endings. It might seem like a huge deal now, which it is undoubtedly to you and some others but know that the results of it is just another potential situation for you to grow in and from. 

Currently, it could still goes both ways but just know both ‘endings’ have their own unique gems to be found whether you can see it or not. On one side, you could gain confidence and happiness while on the other, you could gain knowledge regarding your mind, mindset, attitudes and soft skills etc.

Know that we can learn from both success and failure. 

Any messages regarding your comparison of yourself and your classmates. 33 - Translucence; Love the darkness

This is something that you can’t help but do as with many others and it’s alright to be that way. However, you are likely looking at it from a more pitiful point of view. 

If your can’t escape this comparison, love it. Instead of putting yourself down about it, to at it from a point that brings you encouragement. Something like friendly rivalry etc. Enjoy this ‘comparison’ thing because if you learn to love it, it will give back to you. You could very well find yourself learning much more than you had expected from this ‘comparison’.

[If you watch anime, you could think of it as the anime rivalry thing. There’s good and bad ones. Try transform it into the good ones. Kinda like the bnha midoriya and bakugou thing??? Like after they duked it out and all might saying that they’re proper rivals kinda things, after understanding a bit more about each other??? I hope I’m making sense to you. 😅]

People might say that it is toxic, to not compare and they are not wrong. Things only become toxic when it gets too far, to make you feel inferior to others. On the flip side, it could very well become a driving force for some people. 

Right now, you are called to make it one of your driving force instead of letting it develop into something that pulls you down.

Any messages or advice for the current you. Gazelle and Zebra

The feelings that you are currently feeling like inferiority, worry, anxiety etc. These seemingly negative feelings, you should talk to someone about it. To open up to the people around you regarding it. To become comfortable in this vulnerable state you are in.

You likely didn’t want to approach people about these ‘troubles’ you have because you feel as if you are annoying others and you shouldn’t disturb or worry them. However, we are telling you to once again step out of your comfort zone and talk them out to people, to friends, to family. 

It could also do you well if you approach someone older or had experience in going through this state, like worrying about the quota, such as a senior or graduate, even your school teacher or counselor. You could gain insights from them which could help you through this situation better and they are very much welcoming you to approach them.

Explain to your parents how you feel, because likely you might feel as if you would be disappointing them if you were to not get the quota and this is likely a greater source of stress for you. Despite how it goes or end, in the very least, this source of stress would be reduced.

Another reason to speak to others, especially friends or classmates, is that you feel very different from them. Despite being true that each person is their own unique person, you could very well be overlooking the fact that they might be more similar to you than you think or believe.

Everyone in your class is going through this exact same thing and who’s to say that they are not worried. Talk to them about this situation and/or try to understand them. It could result in surprising relationships. 

Zebras are social creatures and they help each other to survive. If you approach others, they could very well end up helping you along the way and you them. You could end up in a self-formed study group etc. You might find someone who’ll teach you subjects they are good at and you teaching them those that you are good at etc. Each of you have your own unique characters and thinking, things you excel at and those that you don’t, and because of this, you are able to help each other, despite how you think otherwise.

Understand that not everyone is out there trying to survive for themselves. You could look at this situation from a point of view of competing with others to claim a position or you could look at it from a point of view of a group of you to claim the positions together. You are being asked to see it from the latter.

You are not alone in this.  It is very important for you to know this. 

You are not alone despite how alone you might feel.

So approach others. Share your vulnerabilities and you’d be surprised at how much easier or lighter this situation could seemingly become. 

Any encouragements for you. 28 - Frog Spirit; Clear out the clutter.

Currently, the stress and some sources of stress is not helping you. As much as you feel that you need to hurry and make progress, take some time to clear out things that doesn’t help you as it will be beneficial to you and accelerate your progress.

To put into another perspective, it’s like you’re riding a bike with bags of things. You ride it and sometimes you keep worrying about things that might fall off etc. However, if you stop and look through all the things you have, you will find things that you don’t need. Thank and appreciate them for the lessons and feelings they had given you and leave them behind, you’ll find yourself being able to go faster and lighter. 

One of the best ways right now is to talk, to tell others. Share your vulnerabilities and burdens. Don’t clench onto them, keep them to yourself. Once you had shown them, it will be easier to let them go, things that you might deeply believe, which you would need to to help yourself. It will be healing for you and your heart. 

There will be changes that you would need to make in yourself and it’s okay to take the time needed for it. Especially for the current you, you would benefit most from talking and asking others for advice. You could even talk to yourself, physically or mentally. This will help you see things from different perspective or help you understand how to better handle things etc. 

Talk, determine which are good advice you want to take, try to follow it. It’s a cycle. 

Make sure that you give as much as you take and its from your heart, that you enjoy the relationship for itself and not the gains that you gotten or might potentially gain. A relationship goes both ways, alright? 

We believe that the encouragements will come after you had open yourself up to others regarding this. 

You’ve done well in approaching us for advice and you should do it with others as well. This might only be a step or you won’t even consider this a step but it’s an effort from you. An effort that you had done well in putting forth. Use this as a guide to further take steps into approaching others. Thank you for reaching out to us. 😊 We hope you will find the courage and continue your steps in your journeys. Further along the way, as much as there could be obstacles, there will be encouragements to come, from others or from yourself.

Overall, I am getting a feeling that you are looking at the people around you as competitors too much and from this, you feel alone, that no one around you could understand how you feel so you seclude yourself. You should lighten this situation. I understand how crazy heavy this situation could feel because I once were in a similar position and how, despite what people say that it might not matter as much, it just is, to you. Try to stay open, and take some time to relax, time that you shouldn’t feel guilty about. 

If you want to talk or ask for advice, we’re always open. You’re very much welcomed to hit up the dm to just talk and otherwise. 😊 

All the best!!!

You can do this, alright!!!

We hope this had helped you, 🌻 Lani 🌻✨🐈!

For now, the little birdie shall return home 🏡 ~ Ring our doorbell whenever!

Rest well 💤 ~

[orribuontheinternet]

Depression and Drawing.

When I was a young lass (I want to say around 7-8 years old), I saw my biological father drawing something while he sat on the porch. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember it being an equine of some sort. He was working in ink. Watching him was so fascinating that I decided that I too wanted to be an artist. To be able to imagine something and put it to paper was a foreign concept to me, one that I was excited about. Oddly enough, my first ever drawing was of an intangible concept: an emotion. I forgot why little me was so knee-deep in sadness at the time, but I remember doodling a self-portrait of a sad, crying baby Olive while holding back my tears. Underneath (or around, I can't recall) was a caption that kind of stated the obvious: "Olivia is sad." When I think about that moment, I wonder if that was a form of foreshadowing since I suffer from...well, Major Depression. But we'll get back to that later. I think this drawing was spawned from a conflict with my siblings, but I can't rightly recall. I do, however, remember that someone tore the picture to pieces. Then came the waterworks.

I want to pause for a second and let you know that I'm going to try not to throw a pity party. I'm not going to whine and stuff this note with melodramatic hyperbole. If you can stomach an emotional artist digging deep into her head and making her introspection tangible, I encourage you to keep reading. If not, I respect your decision to stop.

To segue on to a brighter note, I started drawing in elementary school. I remember the exhilarating feeling of finishing my work. My proudest moment, aside from a (not) Sonic-themed powerpoint, was a storybook I made in fifth grade. It was a flip book of some sort, and very colorful. I think it had something to do with James and the Giant Peach considering it was a book report. But that was an impression I left. Olive, the artist. This carried on into middle school, where I first discovered anime thanks to an art teacher who had the magic VCR/TV cart we 90s kids remember fondly. He showed us Princess Mononoke, one of Hayao Miyazaki's well-renowned works. It was um...horrifying. The film scared the everloving shit out of me, but I was intrigued by it. There was something really cool about the way the people looked, far different from the Ms. Frizzles and Rugrats I came to know. It captivated me, and when I got over the stomach-churning blood and guts the movie presented, I strove to attain that cool aesthetic. I was always doodling during my classes and lunchtime and recess. People came to know me as that kid that draws. Some of them flocked to me and asked me to doodle something for them. It was annoying in hindsight, but at the time it brought me immense pride. People were interested in something I was doing! This development boosted my motivation; I drew picture after picture, happily sharing it with anyone who was interested. It was invigorating! Then high school happened, and I realized I wasn't as amazing as I initially thought I was. In 2006 I was accepted into the prestigious Philadelphia Highschool of Creative and Performing Arts (henceforth shortened to "CAPA," as to avoid the apparent mouthful of syllables). I attended with a major in visual arts, which I took alongside my core classes, i.e., math, science, and English. The first few months were humbling, to say the least. I took ceramics, graphic art, and observational drawing. During this year, I also discovered the magic (to a 15-year-old anyway) of Naruto. That was my biggest obsession since the Dragonball Z/Rurouni Kenshin/Outlaw Star/Big O/etcetera days. Where I used to make "Dark Sonic" characters and the like,  I made a step towards creating a world of my own. Thus, after a painful defeat in an original character tournament, I decided it was time to start harnessing my writing and narrative skills, as well as my drawing skills. And so I strove to improve, even with those dents in my pride. It became something I was proud of, almost an obsession. I wanted to share it with the rest of the world, so I went for it.

(The first piece I’ve shared with the internet via deviantART.)

This is where my real artistic journey began. When I started, I had no idea of how mentally, physically, and emotionally tolling this would be. Half the time I've made things way more difficult than they've needed to be: sleepless nights, crouching over a desk, risky investments that granted little to no return and thus resulted in me digging myself into a deeper hole of debt, periods of psychological agony–I've experienced a great deal since I started creating these...things. In my naivety, I envisioned making money off of my creativity, having fun, meeting fans around the world, and hitting up cons like those really cool people I follow on the internet. I started comparing myself to more celebrated, experienced artists, to the point where I'd cry out of eye and earshot and wonder why I can't be as good as them. Why can't I be as skilled, or successful, I'd ask myself. This is when I should have realized that the Depression I suffer from has a voice. It'd tell me that I'd never amount to anything, let alone reach that level of expertise and fame. It was painfully merciless and cruel, and I was its punching bag. I'd start wondering what the point was and why I should even try to engage in this creative expression. Then, something tragic happened:

I realized I was falling out of love with it.

I didn't feel the same exhilaration I'd get when I finished something as simple as a little scribble. I didn't feel the warm burst of energy that I felt when I'd make a breakthrough.  I desperately scrambled for something–anything–that would rekindle my love for creating again. Then, after some introspection, I decided that I wanted to try for animation. It had always fascinated me during my time in grade school, so I did some research and even wrote a thesis about animation and why it inspired me. To an extent, the passion I have for the arts did come back a little, but it was just a spark. When I started college, I was reluctantly proud of myself. I started dreaming big again, thinking about how amazing it would be if I could create my own animated series and bring my narratives to life. And so, the dreams of being able to support myself and my family returned to the forefront of my mind, again. While I hopped and skipped through my first year at uni, I built a lot of friendships I never thought I'd have after a painful summer season. I thought back to how I tried and failed to start an art team and decided to go for it again. And thus, after planning gatherings and messing around with my friends, Exploding Fairies was born!

(Old Exploding Fairies logo.)

The Depression and my wounded confidence, however, wouldn't allow for anything to go past casual hangouts and being a nuisance to my teammates. Everything boiled down to three things:

1) I was unwilling to relinquish control of any of the facets of the alliance and our stories. To me, the story we worked on was my baby, and only I would have a say in whatever developments occurred. 2) I lacked the leadership and communication skills to collaborate with my partners effectively. 3) Considering the nature of my requests, I SHOULD have been paying my partners as an incentive. I lacked the money to compensate them for their time and talent adequately. I could very well be painting myself in a horrible light considering how terribly influential my depression is to my self-esteem. 

(The image above is by @cucoo.)

(Concept drawings of Dan’s actual identity.)

However, exposure and companionship don't necessarily pay the bills. Besides, I was still a "nobody on the internet!" I may as well have kicked sand in their faces. At least, that's what the disease told me. I grew bitter towards the world when Homestuck and a traumatizing anime gained the admiration of my friends. I became green with envy, wondering why my work didn't win such affection. That summer, I went into overdrive. I started an original character tournament of my own and gained a considerable following. I even found love again! 

After a busy three months, I jumped into my second year of college. This is when I finally collapsed under the weight of my mental ailments. Week after week, I stressed almost hyperbolically to the point where a single mistake could mean the end of the world to me. I officially started as an animation student (the first year was mostly core studies with elective and liberal arts on the side), and I wanted to bring my A-game to the forefront. I was going to wow everyone with my knowledge of technology while I navigated through the hills and valleys of my second year. I got to take a course in digital 2D animation, the media I've had my eyes on since I started my college career. Everything just hinged on whether I could manage my workload (I took 18 credits). Apart from the building stress, financial troubles, and impaired health, everything seemed fine. That notion, however, was shattered when I lost my progress on a 2D animation assignment. It was all over. All of that hard work that I put in (without saving, no less) was destroyed by a corrupted file. I didn't have a backup file ready for such an occasion. Admittedly, it was my fault for letting my guard down. I should have known better as a geeky artist!  To me, there was no way I could ever recover from that. I was an idiot and a crappy artist anyway! I was a failure! I was nothing! All of the horrible thoughts that my sickness cataloged was thrust into my conscious mind, impairing my ability to reason. Devastated and afraid, I called my crush and opened up about what happened. The pressure finally cracked me, and she had to talk me down from attempting suicide.

The turn of events affected everything, from my focus to my ability to complete my assignments. My crush advised me on what steps I should take while moving forward. I was hospitalized to prevent any harm I could bring to myself. I really DID want to escape from the unbearable pain my sick mind caused me. Eventually, I had to contact the dean of students and was referred to an affiliated therapist. After conversing with him and the dean, we all decided that it'd be best if I were committed to an outpatient program to start on the road to recovery. Fast forward to 2012 or 2013, when I completely lost faith in myself as an artist, and thus, my love for art. I didn't think it'd happen, but I hit what I conceived as rock bottom. I swore off drawing. It didn't bring me joy anymore, and why continue dabbling in something that I'd never be good at?

Unfortunately, the resulting slump turned out to be thicker than I'd imagine and I entered a state of deep depression. I rarely got out of bed, I overate and sometimes didn't eat at all, I never picked up a pencil or opened photoshop, never reached out to the people who I knew and who loved me...I was virtually dead to the world. Some good things happened that, in hindsight, I should have cherished. For starters, my crush became my girlfriend, and we lived together in an apartment in Center City. I was too smothered in the fog to show my appreciation and love for her adequately. She loved me and loved my work, which in turn brought back my passion for creating. If I couldn't financially support myself with my art, the least I could do is bring her joy and feed her imagination. 

(We both love semi-horror and anime, so our roleplays took that direction.)

Sadly, thanks to the disease even something as precious as her happiness wasn't enough. When I look back, I can see the hurt in her eyes, but during the time I had such horrible tunnel vision and was so disappointed about things not working out with my art that I couldn't sense that. Me, a self-proclaimed empath! My desperate greed and envy were my downfall, and I limped my way down the artsy-fartsy road. I'd draw fan art and create fan comics, only to become bitter about either the lack of replies or patrons on Patreon or the perceived disregard for any personal ventures I took. 

I did my first convention at Anime Impulse back in 2015, and after a pretty bad time in the artist alley, I swore off drawing again. I remember nights of staring blankly at the computer screen, smashing Command or Control +Z and ultimately throwing my stylus down, closing photoshop, and crying out of frustration. I remember pulling my hair and sobbing when I faced rejection. It was an incredibly painful time for me. That's not to say I still don't experience that now as I totally do, but something happened this year that strengthened my stride.

I posted something on Tumblr earlier this year about my frustration when it comes to creating art. It was specifically about how I get stuck in the "polishing" phase of building a webcomic page, but when I look back, I can actually attribute it to art in general. I became a "perfectionist." Nothing was impressive enough to finish or release, and I'd wind up with more works in progress than finished ones. My morale just kept dipping lower and lower, and finally, when picking up a webcomic project that I started more than a year ago, I vented my frustrations. To this, my crush, who became my fiancé some four years ago, replied with this:

"You polish because you’re not confident with your work because you're in an evolution phase. Fear holds you back. So you go back and edit. And edit. And edit. So stop the cycle. Kill the fear by not letting it have time to take hold."

Her words of encouragement and insight changed my perspective in ways I've never expected. It was almost like it triggered an epiphany or a breakthrough in my mind! I was reminded of her love and faith in me! With that came a ray of hope, that I could try again, and this time, throw my fear-induced caution to the wind! While my depression still has a voice and beats me down from time to time, I realize that it's just scared. I realized that when Brittany and I sat down and played through Celeste together. I related it to my sadness and anxiety surrounding art, and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet. I can't displace the blame and "use" my mental ailments as a scapegoat. I can't come up with excuses to give up on what I do. There is SOMETHING in creating visual media that breathes life into me.

(I started learning to let go.)

Looking towards the future, I hope I can look back on even these trying times and remind myself of where I was and how stronger I've become because of it. I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others and crashing into creative and motivational blocks, but someday I'll rise above it all. Besides, I should be doing it for me, right? The external validation should just be the topping on a sweet sundae.

That's why I keep drawing, in spite of the voice's apprehension. We're going to get through this together, I promise.

[h-styles-babes]

Bad Habit | Part IV

And I’m back with Part IV. I hope you guys enjoy! As always, feedback is much appreciated xx

Read Part III here. 

FOUR

Harry and Viv stumbled into her flat at around seven that evening. Viv had never been on a date that lasted more than a couple hours, let alone the over seven she’d spent with Harry. They’d returned to her complex about an hour and half earlier, but then they’d decided to go to the pub just down the street for a couple drinks and maybe some chips. They were pretty full on snacks and popcorn from their time at the cinema, but they figured something absorbent was good if they were going to be drinking a bit. Viv had no intention of getting anywhere close to drunk, but she didn’t mind being a little bit tipsy.

Which was exactly what she aimed for as her and Harry sat at a tall table beside each other, laughing at embarrassing stories they were telling about each other from their time in school. Viv snorted out a laugh at some point and Harry teased her lightly about how cute it was, so she tossed a chip at his face, which he whined lightly about before tossing one back at her. They giggled some more and sipped on their drinks. Harry had been pleasantly surprised when she’d ordered a bottle of Heineken when asked by a server. She struck him as more of a mixed drink sort of girl, but she’d continued with the beer throughout the time they were there. She’d only had three bottles by the time they left, so she was just pleasantly buzzed but still had her wits about her.

Harry seemed to be in a similar state, slinging his arm around her waist as they walked back to her building in the briskness of the evening. Viv was only then beginning to regret her choice to wear a dress, but she knew she’d be back in her cosy flat soon, so she didn’t worry about it too much.

When they got to front entrance, Harry stopped and made to bid her farewell for the night. He figured this was the end of their time together for the day, and he’d have to call for a cab or an Uber to take him back to his, since he didn’t quite feel like walking back home in the cold. He supposed he could always call Niall, but he was sure his flatmate was already headed out for a party, seeing as it was a Friday night. He was almost certain that the Irishman would already be a few pints in and in no shape to be coming to pick up Harry and take him back to their home.

“Come inside?” Viv asked him, biting at her bottom lip a bit shyly. Harry was a bit surprised by her offer, but he wasn’t about to turn her down. He didn’t have any plans to do anything ungentlemanly with her, considering this was still only their first date, but he was more than willing to accept her hospitality and the warmth her flat would provide.

So, they went up to her flat, giggling a bit when Viv had to try twice before successfully getting the key into the lock. Viv kicked off her boots as soon as she closed the door behind her, so Harry did the same, wiggling his socked toes as he steadied Viv as sh struggled with her second boot. When she finally got it off, she sighed and smiled up at him.

“Would yeh like anything to drink?” she asked. “Can make some tea, if yeh’d like.”  

“That would be great, thanks,” Harry agreed.

Viv nodded as she shrugged out of her coat, gesturing for him to do the same. “Make yourself at home. I’m gonna put the kettle on.”

Harry wandered into Viv’s living room as she went to put the kettle on. He had intentions to just make a spot for himself on the couch until she came back, but he noticed she had bookshelves in the living room that were filled to the brim with books, CDs, records, music sheets, photographs, cards that looked like they were from a recent birthday, and a bunch of little knickknacks that looked like they were from different parts of the world.

He set his eyes on a photograph that was in a shiny silver frame. It was of what he assumed was Viv’s family at a wedding. It was one of the married couple and some family and the wedding party. The bride and the groom in the center were beaming happily, each tucked into the other’s side. Viv was stood immediately to the bride’s right, dressed in a pretty lavender gown that brushed around her ankles, showing off her silver heels and what looked to be a tattoo on her left foot, holding her own small bouquet of flowers. By her side was an older woman in a light grey gown that reached the floor, a black shawl around her shoulders, her blond hair cut in a stylish bob. Stood behind the both of them was a gentleman that looked to be the same age as the woman, smiling proudly in a nice suit, his wavy hair the same chestnut colour as Viv’s. Harry supposed these were Viv’s parents.

On the other side of the groom was a boy that looked to be slightly younger than Vivian wearing a tux that was the same grey as the groom’s, his hair blond like the older woman’s. He was tall, too, like the older man, his grin the same. Stood beside him was a much younger boy, probably with or nine, beaming a slightly toothless smile and the same chestnut as Viv, wearing a miniature version of the grey tux. They all looked quite smart, and it looked to be early autumn, as the photo was taken outside and the leaves of the trees were all bright red and orange. Everyone looked incredibly happy.

“That’s from my brother’s wedding last year,” Viv said to him, suddenly appearing beside him. She slid herself close and pointed out everyone in the photo as she told him their names. “That’s my older brother, Oliver.” She pointed to the groom. “Those are my two younger brothers, Jamie and Carter. And those are my parents.” She pointed to the two older people in the frame, confirming Harry’s suspicions. “Oliver’s wife is called Lily.”

“You were a bridesmaid?” Harry guessed by the colour of her dress matching the guys’ ties and the ribbon tied around the bride’s bouquet.

“Maid of Honour. Lily’s been my best mate since we were in Year 3.”

Harry turned to look at her with wide eyes. “Your older brother married your best friend since yeh were little?”

Viv laughed at his surprise. She bit her lip to quell her giggles. “Yeah. Oliver’s only two years older than us. I always reckoned they fancied each other when we were younger. They didn’t start actually dating until we were in our last year of secondary and Oliver was in sixth form. My parents thought it was kinda odd, since they saw Lily as a sort of sister to Oliver, since she was around to much when we were growin’ up, but I was elated. Oli proposed the New Year’s before.”

“They’re so young,” Harry observed, figuring Lily was only twenty, like Viv, making Oliver twenty-two. He didn’t know anyone personally that was married, yet. And their wedding was over a year previous, so they had to have been nineteen and twenty-one, Harry figured.

Viv shrugged. “They’re each other’s soul mate. They didn’t see any point in waiting until they were in their mid-twenties or summat.”

“Are they still in school?” Harry asked, still surprised two people could love each other so much that they’d get married so young. He couldn’t even fathom it, really.

“Oliver’s a teacher now,” Viv told him. “He teaches Year 3 at a private school. Lily’s still going to school. They live in Surrey.”

“So they’re not far.” Viv shook her head with a smile. “Do yeh see them often?” “Lily and I get together about once a month, when we can both find time. She’s studying biology, so she’s a bit more busy than I am. I see my brother occasionally. Mostly at holidays and birthdays.”

“And the rest of your family?” Harry asked.

The kettle started whistling then, so Viv gestured for him to follow her so she could continue answering his questions.

“My parents and younger siblings live in Reading. My parents are professors at the uni there.” Viv poured some water into mugs over bags of Earl Grey tea. “What do they do?”

“My mum’s a zoology professor. She mostly teaches about marine animals. She does research with her grad students about the migration and growth patterns of sea urchins.” Harry made an impressed sound in his throat and Viv smiled. She’d always been proud of all her mum’s research, even if it took up a lot of her time, especially when they were younger. “My dad is an archaeology professor. Ancient cultures and all that. Mostly ancient Greek and Roman civilisations.”

“And your younger brothers?” Harry asked as Viv handed him a mug, following her back into the living room to sit at the little love seat she had in there.

“Jamie is seventeen. He’s at the local college doing his A-levels. Wants to go to Germany for uni, though, for some reason. Not that I begrudge him wanting to get out of the area, but that’s pretty far.” Viv blew on her tea, pursing her lips in a way that had Harry biting his bottom lip, too distracted to even try to tend to his own mug. “Carter’s only just turned eleven, so he just started secondary this term. Thinks he’s finally catchin’ up to threats of us.” Viv laughed.

“Why the age gap?” There was six years between Carter and Jamie, which seemed large when there were only two and three years between the other siblings.

Viv snorted, which made Harry smile. He’d teased her about it earlier, but he actually found it quite adorable. “He was a bit of a surprise. Oliver was too, I suppose. My parents were only in their first year of grad school when Oli was born. Jamie and I were planned after that. They thought they were done, but Mum found out she was pregnant when Jamie was six. Bit of a shock for us all. We were still young, but we’d all accepted Jamie was the baby. Then Carter showed up and messed up the dynamics.”

“You’re still a middle child, though,” Harry pointed out with a raise of his brow. There were things to be said of middle children.

“But I’m the only girl,” she countered, obviously picking up what Harry was trying to say.

“Touche,” he nodded.

“What about you? What’s your family like, Harry?”

“It’s just four of us,” he shrugged. His family was much less exciting than Viv’s, he thought. “My mum, Anne, works from home doing charity stuff. She’s a coordinator of some sort. She’s always planning stuff and attending charity events.” It was Viv’s turn to make an impressed sound. Harry smiled. “My mum’s the best person I’ve ever known. Never met anyone kinder.”

“Explains where yeh get it from,” Viv mused.

“I’d like to think so,” Harry nodded, a small smile still tugging at his lips. “Then there’s Robin, my stepdad. He’s perfect for mum. Just as nice and always happy. Good enough a man to take on a woman with a bratty teenage daughter and a weird son.”

“You’ve got a sister?” Viv asked, somehow not at all surprised by this revelation. Harry seemed the type to learn all he knew about handling and interacting with women from years of carefully maneuvering a moody older sister.

“Yeah, Gemma. She’s three years older than me. Lives with her boyfriend in London, now. She’s working on gettin’ her business off the ground.”

“What’s she do?”

“She owns a boutique in Covent Garden. Does well for herself.” Harry smiled proudly, his relationship with his sister obviously much better than he was letting on.

“They sound lovely,” Viv nodded, smiling at Harry over the rim of her mug.

Harry set aside his own mug on her coffee table. He took to folding the sleeves of his shirt up his forearms, her flat much warmer than he anticipated. He was feeling a bit warm, though, that could have been her Viv’s presence. She made his heart race in a way that he hadn’t experienced in a while. It was overwhelming and completely welcome all the same.

“They are. My parents live in Cheshire, though, so I don’t see them save for holidays, now. Gem and I’ll have lunch every so of—”

Viv suddenly started choking on her tea, sputtering with her eyes wide. She lunged to reach for a napkin she’d brought in with her that was laying on the coffee table. She dabbed at her mouth to clean up the splattered tea, coughing to clear her lungs of the inhaled liquid. Harry fretted over her, rubbing her back. “Yeh alright?” he asked, his concern genuine in his tone and the crumple of his features. Viv would find it amazing if she wasn’t currently freaking out.

Her eyes had zeroed in on his arms as he’d rolled his sleeves up. Mostly the movement had caught her attention, but then she’d stayed transfixed because she was finally going to get to see his exposed forearms, which she had been wanting after brief glances at his hands. She’d seen through jumpers and jackets the pull of his broad shoulders, so she was exceedingly curious about what the rest of his body looked like. She imagined he was lean and sinewy, so this was her first opportunity at discovering it for herself.

However, she��d gasped as the tattoos that littered his left arm were revealed, causing her to inhale the tea she was sipping, throwing her into a coughing fit as she tried to expel the liquid.

As she looked over the familiar tattoos, she was berating herself. How had she not noticed the rings that adorned nearly all his fingers. A week of avoiding being caught looking at his hands for fear that he’d find her weird meant she’d never properly looked at the rings, let alone the little cross tattoo that sat between his thumb and first finger of his left hand. How had she never noticed? She felt like an absolute idiot.

Because those were hands and arms that she was just a bit too acquainted with. Not on any personal levels, of course, but acquainted all the same. Because those were forearms she’d seen straining with a pumping motion, making her mouth water.

Because those were hands she’d seen wrapped around an impressive cock, their stroking driving her to her own orgasm over the course of minutes or hours.

Because she suddenly realised that Harry was UniBoy94, and her brain didn’t know how to reconcile this information very well without making her choke. “Oh my god,” Viv groaned as soon as she was able. Her face was already hot from the near-choking thing, but now she was also extremely embarrassed, because she wasn’t quite sure she could play this off, and she’d probably have to tell Harry the truth. She knew about the real way he made money because she contributed to it. She’d watched him get himself off too many times to count, and he’d commented to her directly during one of his livestreams. It was all too much, honestly. “Jesus Christ. Motherfucker.”

“Viv, are yeh okay?” Harry asked, still very much concerned about her choking. She wanted to swat his hands away and tell him to stop touching her, but: a) she really didn’t want that because she quite liked having Harry’s hands on her and b) there was no reason for her to be upset with him. She was just entirely flustered by this whole situation that she’d ultimately gotten herself into.

“Sorry,” she croaked out, shaking her head. She cleared her throat to try to make herself sound normal again. “I inhaled my tea on accident.”

“Yeh sure?” he asked, a bit skeptical, though, still concerned about her wellbeing. “Yeh seem a bit flustered.”

Why, yes, Harry. Now that you mention it, I am quite flustered. I am flustered because I just realised you’re the boy that I watch jerk himself off to the internet nearly every Tuesday and Thursday.

Instead, she went with, “I, uh—” She coughed again to try to think of what she was going to say. Should she lie to him and pretend like she never figured out that he’s UniBoy94?  Could she actually continue seeing him with her revelation sitting between them? Or should she just come out with it and get it out in the open as soon as possible? Surely he couldn’t judge her for watching strangers jerk off on the internet when he himself was a stranger that jerked off on the internet. Surely.

Option #3 sounded best to her, since she liked her relationships—both romantic and platonic—to be as honest as possible. She supposed this was a testament to her beliefs.

“I, uh—” she started again. “I just, uh…realised something, I suppose.”

Way to not beat around the bush, Vivian.

“What’d yeh realise?” Harry asked, more confused now than anything by the way his brows creased in the center. He expected her to say she’d left the stove on or she’d forgotten her purse at the bar. But he’d watched her turn the burner off when she’d poured the water, and he’d taken her purse from her when they shucked their shoes and coats in the entryway. So, yes, he was confused.

Viv took a deep breath and decided to really just go for it. No beating around the bush, no stalling, no bullshitting. Just complete honesty and a hope for the best outcome. She wasn’t sure what she thought that was, though.

“I just realised you’re the man I’ve been watching masturbate on the internet twice a week for the last few months.”

It was Harry’s turn to choke, except it was only his own saliva, so the spluttering was minimal and he coughed a few times to clear it. “Yeh’ve what?” he mumbled.

“Yeah, not my most appropriate confession,” Viv admitted, forcing a chuckle to try to make this all less awkward. She was pretty sure it wasn’t working. “Figured it was best to just get it out there, though, seein’ as I’ve just figured it out.”

Harry stared at her with wide eyes for a few silent beats before squeezing his eyes shut and taking a few deep breaths. She wasn’t sure if he was trying to figure out how to have this conversation or devising a way to rid himself of her and get out of her flat as quickly as possible, but she allowed him his time either way. She knew this was a bit of a shock to him, too, and she didn’t want to push him. She was shocked, too, but at least she wasn’t the one who the other’d seen naked multiple times. She supposed she did have a slight advantage here.

With eyes still closed, but now just resting instead of squeezed, he began to breathe out, “So, you’re tellin’ me…th-that you’re subscribed to me. And yeh’ve seen me—seen me masturbate.” He cleared his throat and peeked his eyes open, looking at her like he was a cornered animal for some reason. Did he think she was gonna make fun of him for getting off for strangers for money? Who was she to judge? She was one of those strangers that paid him to watch him jerk off! If anything, she was the one that should be judged here.

“Uh…ye—yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’,” Viv confirmed with a slight bob of her head. Could this possibly be anymore awkward? Probably not, she thought, but she wasn’t really willing to find out, so she pushed on, hoping to relieve some of the tension that had settled over them. “I just want to make it clear that I’m not, like…judgin’ yeh for it, or anything, Harry. For what yeh do to make money. Honestly, if I looked half as good as you do, I’d be doin’ the same thing. And I’m one of the pathetic fucks that pays to watch yeh jerk off, so I’m not exactly in any position to criticise, am I? And I’m sorry if I’ve made things weird by tellin’ yeh that I know, but I really don’t like to lie to people if I don’t have to. Whether or not yeh still want to see me, you’re friends with Liam, yeah? So I’d spend time with yeh occasionally, anyway. And I don’t think I could’ve carried on very long carryin’ that around with me. And I don’t want yeh to think that I see yeh any differently now that I’ve put it together. You’re still the Harry the I’ve been gettin’ to know over the last week. I still think you’re great and funny and kind. And I’d really like to keep gettin’ to know yeh, if yeh’d let me. Or if it’s too weird for yeh for me to know, then that’s okay, too. Whatever yeh want, Harry. I just—”

She was very aware that she was rambling at that point, but she couldn’t stop it. It was just spilling out like a leaky faucet. She’d actually run out of breath, so she had to pause to fill her lungs, but Harry stopped her before she could get going again.

He scooted toward her on the couch almost timidly, but there was also a sort of resolve in his eyes that made them sparkle. He reached a hand out to place on her bright red cheek, letting the tips of his fingers sift through her hair. Her breath stuttered in her throat, and Harry watched as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, chewing at it lightly. He nearly groaned as he saw the tip of her pink tongue dart out to lick over it and guide it in. After everything she’d just word vomited, he still found her much too attractive for his own good.

“Viv?” he asked, his voice quiet after the loud, prolonged rambling of Viv’s voice.

Vivian gulped before responding. “Yeah?”

“Just…be quiet for a second, yeah?.

The look in his eyes was a it intense, so Viv squeaked out, “Okay.”

Before she could really understand what was happening, she felt Harry’s lips press against her own, warm and soft and tasting just like mint.

[lesbianbruabba]

all of them!

Anon you are trying to kill me but also like..thank you

1: Full name

I’m not stupid, I’m not putting my full real name out. lol

2: Age

Eighteen

3: 3 Fears

Being rejected, depression consuming my life, going deaf or blind

4: 3 things I love

My brother, my friends, music

5: 4 turns on

Gentle caresses, dirty talk, teasing, kink stuff

6: 4 turns off

Uhhh. Pedophilia, scat, incest, racial degradation? I’m going for the most hardcore bad stuff lol

7: My best friend

I have a lot but for simplicity’s sake my bestest is @lettiehigh

8: Sexual orientation

Bisexual

9: My best first date

Lol

10: How tall am I

5′2. correct question is how short am I

11: What do I miss

Special ham sandwiches

12: What time were I born

I don’t fucking know

13: Favourite color

Pink

14: Do I have a crush

I have multiple. 

15: Favourite quote

“They don’t sell cheese at the jewelry store” - my husband Felony Steve

16: Favourite place

My bedroom

17: Favourite food

Chicken nuggets from a hong kong mcdonald’s. They taste like shit in scotland

18: Do I use sarcasm

Sometimes but I’m not that good at it

19: What am I listening to right now

No More Time - Flor

20: First thing I notice in new person

Eyes

21: Shoe size

6.5

22: Eye color

Dark brown/black

23: Hair color

Dark brown/black. it’s gotten darker over the last few years

24: Favourite style of clothing

Frilly or bondage-y. Sometimes both at once

25: Ever done a prank call?

Nope

27: Meaning behind my URL

RPDR fic pen name

28: Favourite movie

RENT

29: Favourite song

Right now it’s Felony Reunion by Felony Steve

30: Favourite band

Waterparks, flor, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, you can’t make me pick

31: How I feel right now

Lorny

32: Someone I love

My baby brother

33: My current relationship status

Single

34: My relationship with my parents

Rocky but overall it’s fine. It’s like an ongoing negotiation but I know they love me really.

35: Favourite holiday

I went to England when I was 14 with my school. 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

None

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Nipple piercings, I want a hip tattoo on my right hip because I haven’t self-harmed there and it’s a bit of a ‘sacred space’ now. someday I want a lyric tattoo, a flower tattoo (roses pls) and a watercolor one. I follow so many tattoo instagrams and they all look so pretty

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

At the very very beginning to make an aesthetic pastel blog. Got into roleplaying for a couple of years, made some good friends, some sad things happened, moved onto rpdr fic, evolved into the mess it is now

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

Good morning snaps from my brother and copyright from @samrull

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

Nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

Not a thing I’ve done in a long time? 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

Depends on whether I do makeup or not. 10 minutes if I don’t have to, 20-30 if I do.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

Nope. I don’t shave unless there’s a special event.

45: Where am I right now?

My bedroom in Edi

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

I don’t drink :)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level most of the time. Unless I am feeling particularly apathetic/anhedonic/depressed

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

Back in Hong kong yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

Dan and Phil show, possible trip to Copenhagen, possibly seeing flor, doing fashion design or Danish at uni next year, improving my fluency in languages, my brother visiting Edi, going home and seeing all my friends, going home and seeing my teachers I miss them so much oh my god, possibly seeing one of my crushes again!!

Oh and I’m going to a convention on sunday so that’s pretty great too!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Yeah my brother we’re a bit too open

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

depends on how often I leave my room/spend time in others’ company that I’m not comfortable with. 

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

Tuesday at 7:30 pm

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

Cool, thumbs up dude. he kisses well

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

Yeah probably. lbr I trust people too easily

55: What is something I disliked about today?

I didn’t move from my bed much. but! I got a lot of drawing done and I studied some Polish so that’s a win. fuck you for making me think negatively :)

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

there’s this girl in denmark i owe a very long apology to. her. and maybe her cat.

57: What do I think about most?

My crushes, analyzing whether I have a pattern/type of crush, random etymologies, whether Russian is harder than Polish or I have a warped bias, whether my friends care about me or am I overestimating my place in their hearts

58: What’s my strangest talent?

I can say thank you in like 15 languages that counts right?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

The wolf from little red riding hood

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

In front bc I am shite at taking photos

61: What was the last lie I told?

my meds are making me better

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting oh my god

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I sometimes hope ghosts exist. idk about aliens

64: Do I believe in magic?

No 

65: Do I believe in luck?

yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?

Not that bad for scotland tbh but chilly for late April

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Essentials of Polish verbs and grammar or something. google it

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

no???? who tf likes that what the fuck

69: Do I have any nicknames?

This one friend I used to have called me Christababe. Also people at school called me Lily

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

Self harm cut from a few weeks ago. Got infected (it’s fine now)

71: Do I spend money or save it?

Depends

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

With a tongue sure but not my own lmao

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

Yes a lot of it because my closet is next to my bed :)

74: Favourite animal?

Unicorn

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

Eating ice cream and surfing the drag race reddit

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

I don’t know???? Johnson?

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

78: How can you win my heart?

Don’t manipulate me.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

Married to Felony Steve

80: What is my favorite word?

Felony

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

Like my faves? @rippling-waves @samrull @lettiehigh @veronicasanders @lecafenoirx

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Listen to Waterparks they have the best music. -dabs-

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

Nope

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

Fluency in all languages

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

“are you in love with me”. if asked by certain people. alternatively “do you like girls” asked by other certain people. 

86: What is my current desktop picture?

DDLC fanart

87: Had sex?

No but close

88: Bought condoms?

No but I have one from the Hive from a fresher’s package

89: Gotten pregnant?

no dear lord 

90: Failed a class?

Nope and I hope not

91: Kissed a boy?

Yes

92: Kissed a girl?

No, I wish

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

No

94: Had job?

Yes, barista and factory worker

95: Left the house without my wallet?

Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

Kind of? Not really? It was more of an argument but we’re friends now. I was a stupid thirteen year old 

97: Had sex in public?

No

98: Played on a sports team?

Lol, tell another one

99: Smoked weed?

No

100: Did drugs?

No, will not

101: Smoked cigarettes?

No, I hate smoking

102: Drank alcohol?

I had a few sips of white wine that were absolutely DISGUSTING

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

No

104: Been overweight?

Currently am

105: Been underweight?

I wish

106: Been to a wedding?

Yeah of distant relatives and teachers

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

Try 14

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

I don’t watch TV, There’s no tv in my student hall and back home the TV is only for news

109: Been outside my home country?

Yep too many times tbh

110: Gotten my heart broken?

Unrequited love-wise yes

111: Been to a professional sports game?

Yes and spent the whole time reading (I was a kid and my mum couldn’t/didn’t find someone to babysit)

112: Broken a bone?

No, thank god

113: Cut myself?

Yes, trying to quit it

114: Been to prom?

Yep and I sang on stage too! 

115: Been in airplane?

Yep

116: Fly by helicopter?

No and not interested tbh

117: What concerts have I been to?

Waterparks, Avril Lavigne, All Time Low

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

Yes, quite a few times now

119: Learned another language?

Try multiple

120: Wore make up?

Yeah! Trying to do it more

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

No, too late for that now

122: Had oral sex?

No but I want to

123: Dyed my hair?

No but I want to

124: Voted in a presidential election?

No, HK doesn’t have presidential elections

125: Rode in an ambulance?

No

126: Had a surgery?

No

127: Met someone famous?

Famous in Hong Kong yes. Worldwide no. I’ve met the UoE principal though

edit: Iza reminded me that I’ve met both Courtney Act and Sasha Velour! 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

Yes but not like…creepy. for drawing reference I’ve gone through a lot of people’s social media this morning lol

129: Peed outside?

When I was like 4

130: Been fishing?

Not that I can recall

131: Helped with charity?

Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?

No because I’m too much of a wimp to confess. Maybe a few years later

133: Broken a mirror?

Yep, the one I use to wear my contacts (when I used to wear contacts)

134: What do I want for birthday?

Sex and liposuction and a corset and maybe someone to love me and a full happy day with no depression or anxiety

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

I don’t want kids. But if I did have kids, here is a list of nice names: Gracie, Ljudmila, Nico, Agneta (this one sounds really fucking familiar but I don’t know why), Anthony, Selene, Kristoff, James

136: Was I named after anyone?

No. My Chinese name means to have manners and to be gentle lmao. My English name is literally just the first thing I blurted out when the teacher asked me for my name. Wednesday was a name I look after Wednesday Addams though.

137: Do I like my handwriting?

I hate my Chinese and English penmanship it looks like shit but my Cyrillic looks GREAT

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

Barbie, I had Genevieve from the 12 dancing princesses

139: Favourite Tv Show?

Drag race, b99, ASOUE, the good place

140: Where do I want to live when older?

In Edinburgh

141: Play any musical instrument?

The ukulele and I think I still remember a bit of guitar

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

Cutting. Most of my scars are from cutting. A few from childhood bruises

143: Favourite pizza toping?

Cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

Sometimes

145: Am I afraid of heights?

all the time

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

A lot worse than sneaking out buddy

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

Yeah 

148: What I’m really bad at

controlling my fucking feelings and not falling for peple

149: What my greatest achievments are

Sewing my prom dress, making an animation, juggling learning 3 languages (slowly) at once, surviving high school because honestly I didn’t think I’d make it to graduation

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

That bisexuality doesn’t exist

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

Depends on how much i win but assuming it’s a big amount of money, split it and donate a third to charity, give a third to my parents, split the rest of it in quarters and give three quarter to my dad for investments and spend the last quarter

152: What do I like about myself

I have pretty hair and nice tits and I can draw (not well but I can draw), and I have a bit of talent in learning languages and fashion design

153: My closest Tumblr friend

@samrull without a doubt

154: Something I fantasise about

My brain giving me a good yummy serotonin

155: Any question you’d like?

….anon you didn’t put a question (this happens every goddamn time i s2g)

Thanks for the ask though this kept me occupied for the good part of an hour :)

[cheswirls]

a quick sum-up of che’s future career plans, bc reasons

im halfway through the dive!! anime show that came out this summer season, and i’m having a lot of thoughts, and plus i finished going through all the footage i missed today of skate america while i was at a bball game, and it’s made me realize different things i guess? 

it might be mid-long length so its going under a cut, but to gain intereststart off, this is all about my desire to be an athletic trainer for the usa olympic center at colorado springs, co !

ive been an at(now when you see that abb. you know what it means hah!! not assistant teacher hmm) student since my freshman year of high school, and i’ve loved it a whole bunch. back then i was set on going to columbia U for their writing program, and i wanted to major in graphic design afterwards/during/it wasnt super planned out i was a fr. i didnt know what bfa or mfa stood for yet. it wasnt until end of sophomore year than i thought about being an at for realsies.

but i also still loved gd. so there was a confliction there.

junior year i took a break from working volleyball in the fall and did my one and only year of football and it was terrible primarily bc the team i worked with didnt know how to function as a group and half the group were selfless bitch whores but like thats another storyyy, secondly bc i jus really discovered i didnt care abt football at all. it was mostly for the experience and i gained it and i liked it bc i hung out w a lot of people from helping out w varsity (i was one of two our of the five juniors that had been there since my fr year and was only on jv bc it was my first year w football, but one of the seniors had to work a bunch so when they needed an extra person i was the one w the most experience so i was w them a lot,) point was it was fun!!! and you have fun w ppl you like that you dont work w all the time and i shouldnt say fun bc lots of times it was awful,

basically! it was fun being w the varsity trainers which were the seniors and the other junior that had been around since fr year. volleyball was fun but it had always been a one-at-student-per-team sport , so it was different jus being w other ats that shared the same team and not the same sport(which in the us is made up of at least three different teams, a fr,jv,and varsity). it was a more open environment and so it inspired a lot of talk with the at grad students we had that semester (we got 3-4 every semester in a partnership w the D1 uni in town, it was always cool to hear stories from them!) and anyway i remember talking w a couple of the grads one practice and we were discussing all the different occupations athletic trainers could have, and what they wanted to work with in the future, and the topic veered towards professional sports and the olympics.

i thought it was really cool when we were talking about it, and then we got busy and it flew out of my mind. i dont remember when it came back and became a focus, but sometime before my senior year, i had decided i wanted to work at the olympic level.

real quick i mentioned gd and the struggle, so to bring that into focus, my junior year i took a whole bunch of different tech classes (gd&i, compsci, webtech) and in one of those, i had the opportunity to go to a ... i cant remember what the term was for it, but it was kinda an event for gd students and it had a little competition and stuff, and it was really fun! nd you got a lot of info abt the community college hosting it and i learned their program was really good, so the gd versus at internal struggle continued, and i remember talking to my sponsor teacher (she actually taught all three of my tech classes that year aaa i loved her) about how i didnt know what to do and shit and i dunno what she told me but like, i think she was trying to be encouraging but she basically said it was up to me, like she didnt try and nod me into a direction, that i can recall.

so SOMEHOW bc i honestly cannot remember, by senior year i’ve decided that im gonna jus fuck it and pick BOTH and double major in gd and athletic training. AND i had it all planned out, where i was gonna get a degree in gd and open up an online business, and then go into a masters program for at and then enter into the olympic field. 

by this point creative writing is still cool and a great hobby but i couldnt possibly double major AND have a minor that’d be too much. id still love to take a cw course tho one day.

basically a buncha crazy stuff happened that first semester but by winter break i had an acceptance letter to a uni a couple hours north of home with a good accredited undergrad program (accredited basically means you graduate w a masters in four years so its fasttracked which woulda been great but uh..) and by the time i found out that next semester that they were doing away with the accredited program i was already too emotionally invested to consider panic-switching(panic bc it was february and id already been admitted hah...) but i decided it’d be okay. basically if you dont remember/werent around one of my school’s head ats died in a car crash died around early october ‘16. she went to undergrad where i go now, and i’d talked to her about it september that semester wondering if she knew anything abt their program and uh surprise, she’d done the same program small world. after the funeral in november and a ton of thought i applied there. (november was.. crazy in general last year. rly crazy)

may was when i started adding on sports to the future olympics job, bc i started thinking about it and after finally getting a friend to watch yuri on ice, he started making his was through all of sochi’s figure skating stuff, and then the 2010 vancouver olympics, and i decided i wanted to recap a bit on that too.

the 2010 olympics was really my first experience with figure skating. i’m a west texas gal and so theres not a lot out here to get exposed to, so seeing these best-of-the-best class sports was fun, and the earliest experience i can remember of such. i was in fifth grade so i dont remember a ton, but i do remember being captivated by korea’s yuna kim, who won gold that year in fs. shes an fs legend at this point, so if you’re into figure skating and don’t know who she is, go look her up. you wont be disappointed.

in 2012 was the london olympics. i remember a lot from it, like watching the opening ceremony with my parents and seeing the queen jump out of a helicoptor(which is like,, still cool to this day wow) and being fascinated my michael phelps and all the swimming he did so grandly. it was also my first real exposure to diving. the oldest i could recall anything abt the sport was at a pizza hut somewhere.. in town i think, and i was w my best friend at the time and my mom was there so i think maybe we were on the way back from the lake??? sounds right, i think. and we were talking abt how i always held my nose when i went underwater bc i didnt know how to not get water all up my nostrils and be underwter(and i still dont to this day aha) and she mentioned like, joining a diving team would be cool! would help me get over it and all! and i like recalling it dunno what she was talking abt bc we lived in dirt city nothing so i highly doubt there was or is any sort of diving sport happening. swimming, yeah maybe, there were lessons at pools and bodyworks areas around town, competitive teams im not sure tho, but not diving like at all so??? dunno.

so my next and technically first real experience with it was watching the london olympics. and i thought, wow, this is so neat!! i watched from that one day like the opening events, and i think i was old enough to search online like yea i had a laptop by then so i looked up the schedule for the things i wanted to see most of, and i ended up watching i think most of the diving events (i missed a couple for.. archery, i think? maybe?) and absolutely loving it. iunno what it was, maybe something i never thought i could do?(bc not hold my nose?? while i dove???????? scaryy) but i enjoyed it a bunch.

i was older when sochi was a thing, my 8th grade year. i was able to appreciate things a lot more. when i tuned into events, tony hawk and snowboarding were the main focus, but figure skating was on a lot as well. i had a tv in my room by that point, so if i didnt like what was playing on the main tv, i could go watch another event. i learned a lot of names and faces through that, and so while my bff was watching it our senior year if i was with him id point out skaters and their nationalities and stuff, like yuzuru hanyus always been a modern day household name w figure skating, but i leanred abt him BECAUSE of the sochi olympics, and he was one of the ones i’ve never forgotten. i really really liked it, so much that i watched worlds after, and around the same time my fr year, i tuned in to just the worlds championship again. i didn’t pick up trying to watch grand prix(which is their regular season, for those unaware) season until my junior year, and most of it was day-or-two-late videos from youtube, since the ice channel i think it a paid-for thing (i still dont know much abt it hah) and nothing was on tv otherwise, aside from the skate america event. but since that first time after sochi, ive always been around watching worlds fs near the beg of each year. i’d familiarized myself by senior year with the fs world, and actually,

early (i think march?) of my junior year, i searched up trying to find a figure skating anime at the time. and what did i find?? ginban, the only figure skating anime at the time. i watched like maybe all of one episode, it was abt a girl who shared her body w the ghost of a former figure skater while she was competing in events, and it was.. okay? lackluster, in the animation dept, but it was a 2005 show so.. yeah.

so after that i was like kk that wasnt good lets find another. and i didnt. not yet, anyway. instead, i found an announcement for violet evergarden’s animated adaptation, and yuri on ice, a realistic adaptation of the sport of figure skating. thats bolded bc its important. i found that shit abt yoi before it even had a promo poster, certainly before the pv came around that got everyone hyped up. i found it bc i was looking for figure skating in the first place. in fact, i think when the pv came out and got popular, i didnt even relate it to the upcoming fs anime i’d read about previously. it took me a bit to connect the dots. 

watching yuri on ice at the same time as the gp 2016 season was surreal, but really interesting. i got my bff into it before the second to last episode came out, and i only remember that bc he finally showed any interest when he found something on twitter abt it being gay (newsflash/// hes gay, and before yoi his fav show was no6 bc that was as close as it got. he still rly likes it, we both do, but his solid favc is now definitely yoi. representation matters and all) and was like well now i HAVE to watch it and i was all yes it ends soon so pls. and he watched it twice in a weekend, and thrice before the finale came out, and then a few more times after that, iunno how many times but certainly more thn i have(i went back after the .. maybe ep 10? w/e ending had the after party reveal that changed everything, so i went back to analyze everything before the next ep) and between the week of 11 and finale 12, he started watching the sochi fs competition, and then the 2010 after the show ended w ep 12. 

seeing this great fs show and getting a friend into the world of figure skating really renewed my love for it all. before the semester went out i went back and watched the reruns of the sochi fs stuff. and by may i’d decided i wanted to cosider that to be the sport i worked with.

with diving, it took a similar twist. in the form of the rio 16 olympics. i was all over that shit, i downloaded an nbc app on my phone so i could watch events live while i traveled with volleyball to a tournament in dallas and while i was at practice w them at home and generally jus away from the house and a tv. i planned that shit out had a schedule and everything for what i was watching live, and a lot of it was swimming, but a whoooole lot of live stuff was the diving. 

in the hotel room in dallas the tv would always be on to w/e olympics events were airing at the time, either track or diving tho, one or the other, or recaps. quite a few girls ended up in the room in the evening and we’d all do stuff and watch in passing at the same time, and it was suuuuuper fun. watching the chinese women perform flawlessly and walk away w all the gold was fun, but finding a good commentator to actually say such was a disheartening challenge( one of the most memorable moments w live commentary that year was hearing a woman say of one of the chinese ladies that she’d done better before, after they revealed her personal best score ever like rly cmon be unbiased and jus passionate abt the sport youre covering pls.

ive always been super fond of the diving scene. it may not be as much as fs, but honestly, i wish i grew up in an area w a diving team now, or wish i could try it out now, bc thats how much fun it seems. i still wanna go up to the big city like 30min away from uni and learn to ice skate in the civic center there, but hands down if i had to pick a sport to join tomorrow or die i’d pick diving. 

so also by may, and throughout the culmination of senior year, diving was the second sport on the olympic to-train-for list. you get a five-year contract w the olympics, now i think it’s usa as a whole and i think its by center so say, if i get a job in colorado springs i cant apply in another five years to chula vista or even like lake placid, but iunno for sure. the five-year thing is involved somehow bc i’ve heard it from a physical therapist and trainer-that-works-in-a-sports-med-clinic duo in one body named sarah, who’s been contracted out from the clinic by my high school since junior year also, bc she knows people who’ve worked w the olympics, and then another from church that worked w olympics that knows my family uh iunno how well but i know of him, i think he also works in the clinic as some sort of on-hand surgeon but a diff person than who sarah knew. so its five years somehow and then i’ll take my bfa in gd and open my online business and do that from a studio at home and look after my owl/cat pet combo.

since may, it had been ‘olympics, with either figure skating or diving’. and it stayed that for a long time. now, since a couple weeks ago, and this is again while gp season is happening for fs, its diving. i wanna work w the usa olympic diving team as their team athletic trainer, and i cant do it this summer bc i have to have completed two years of uni, instead of a certain standing, like be a junior, but so NEXT summer, before my senior year of uni, (i came in a sopho so 6 sem only ah) i’m applying for an internship at the center in colorado springs, and that’s the team i hope i work with. 

now i tell people, diving, but if i get offered figure skating, i’ll take it, but diving is the goal now. if i love it and wanna continue professionally, great, i can do that and have an online gd shop. and if i decide i want something different? i’ll work olympics and then join w a professional-level figure skating i actually dunno how it works. coach, and their skater in turn. coach, with multiple skaters under them. a culmination of diff usa skaters. w/e, something in the professional fs world.

and thats uh, thats it! dive has been so much fun to watch, and i realize i talk a lot on here about working w basketball and being an at student in general and the vast majority have no idea what i mean, so hopefully this clarifies. thank you!!

[iwastoldthisisgoodforme]

11.8.19

Lentils

Hye Jin, Mina

Ayumi

Luisa

Planning

Met with Yuna and Misaki. As soon as I turned the corner to go to the bar, I saw them trying to find the place. They were quite confused which I thought they would be. I told them it was a secret and opened the bar and took them into the bar. They thought it was so cool, the atmosphere and decorations. Misaki found the dead animals to be a bit scary. We sat at the same table that Mikayla and Valerie and I had sat, which was a good spot. I told them the atmosphere reminded me of home. We ended up buying the $4 beers. Misaki asked me what I do on my day off and I told them I like to hang out with friends like go to the park and have a picnic. I asked them what they like to do on and Yuna said she likes to cook. I asked what she cooks and they asked me what Japanese food I like. She said she really likes oyakodon which is chicken and an egg and they told me it means adult and child. I told them I usually eat katsu don but I like all Japanese food. I like sushi, okonimiyaki, takoyaki, sukiyaki, but my favorites were shabu shabu. They asked if I like natto and I said I didn’t like it but didn’t dislike it. Misaki didn’t like it because it was smelly. She asked me if smelly and stinky were the same and I said yes. I said I want to try Yuna’s cooking. 

I asked Misaki what she did in Japan before coming here. She said she did childcare for three years. When I asked Yuna what she did in Japan, she said she was a uni student studying IT. They asked me what I did and I said I was an engineer but they didn’t really know what an engineer did they just knew it sounded difficult. 

Yuna and Misaki both said I had good Japanese and that I must be Japanese. I told them I still had a lot to learn but Yuna said she was very surprised when she was texting me. I asked how so and she brought up our convo and she said she thought I would say can you please switch characters instead of using kanji but she was surprised to see me reply back. They asked if I am really American and said I must be half.

Yuna apparently would end school next week but Misaki still had two more weeks. Misaki would go to the farm at the end of this month or early next month. Yuna would look for a job. They said they both completed the RSA but since they took it in person at CBD college, it was a little more expensive than the online course. They were both on working holiday visa and they asked what I was on and I said I was also working holiday visa. Yuna said she probably wouldn’t go to the farm because she heard stories of being taken advantage of on the farm but she might switch to student visa and study business. They asked what visa I’m on and I said working holiday but since I wouldn’t be going to the farm, I would leave in November. But since Misaki would be leaving and I would be going on vacation to the US, I probably wouldn’t see her again after this coming week. It was a sad moment when we all realized how much limited time we had left. They said that all the friends they make would be leaving this year since they made a lot of friends from their language school. They also talked about Australian/American English differences and I was surprised to see that Yuna knew about Mickey D’s which they both thought was cute. We also talked about me going to the US for some weddings and going to Hawaii. They both had been to Hawaii only once but they didn’t like how there were so many Japanese people there so it felt like Japan. Yuna had also been to Guam but she didn’t realize it was part of the US. Since she had studied in Malta, she also told me about the British/American differences but overall she had a more American accent. Yuna told me she has trouble when it comes to the words lover and lava. They also mentioned at one point that I make a good English teacher because I could speak some Japanese. They also told me about hanamaru, which means perfect like kanpeki but is often used with tests. There is even a hanamaru symbol which has a flower. Yuna also mentioned that her birthday was November 1 so Misaki would be missing it but I said we could celebrate it. I asked when was Misaki’s was and she said February 7. They asked mine and I told them. I asked what Yuna would do for her birthday and she said probably eat.

They said the first time they tried vegan food was at Lentils and that there aren’t many vegan restaurants in Japan since everyone eats meat and they had never heard of that growing up and also that meat was so tasty. They asked me if it was the same for me and I said yes. But I told them about freegan people. They also mentioned Sophia and how she talked really fast (at least I think it was Sophia they were mentioning based off their description). 

Misaki told me that in Japan she rarely drank, maybe three or four times a year and never went to a nightclub but here she was drinking and going to a club every weekend. Yuna said she didn’t like nightclubs in Japan because guys only wanted sex and I said it’s the same here but she said that here guy friends will protect her from strange dudes. They joked that Misaki was stereotypical Japanese but Yuna was half Japanese, half Brazilian.

Yuna had bought two more rounds during all the talking although Misaki didn’t join us for round 3. She was already quite drunk and Yuna said her laughing point was quite shallow, meaning she would laugh at anything. They said when she’s drunk she is ponkotsu (stopped working, useless) and I asked why, is her head ponkotsu which made them laugh. Yuna could drink quite a lot though, apparently 10 beers or so. They asked if I like Japanese beer and I said yes but I also like sake. They asked if I like Dassai and I said yes and they gave a weird reaction so I asked if Dassai is dasai (lame) which just made them say I have good Japanese Around this time, a band started playing and they were quite good. Misaki was a bit touchy especially when drunk and our legs leaned against each other. Yuna was a little touchy and we got quite close when the band was around since we couldn’t hear each other. She also slapped me and covered my mouth for some reason when I asked why she didn’t like Japanese nightclubs. When we cheersed, Yuna started laughing because the girls said cheers and I said kanpai. Also, the girls were speaking in English while I spoke in Japanese. They also said I was a gentleman for bringing water to the table, especially for Misaki. Misaki said her English wasn’t good but Yuna said she improved a lot because she was less shy and also she would speak to people at Lentils. They asked me how long the Japanese girls (Ayumi and Mina) had been at Lentils and they were surprised to hear they had only been there about a week earlier as they thought they had been there a while. They asked if there were a lot of Japanese at Lentils and I said yes and I confirmed that it was mostly women. When the band was setting up, I asked if they could play any instruments. Yuna said she couldn’t but she could sing a lot of pop songs including American pop songs like Ariana Grande. Misaki said she could play piano since she would sing, play, and watch the kids (she loves kids). I asked if they liked dancing and they both said not really and that Japanese can’t really dance although apparently Yuna could do some samba. We talked about Mandarin and Korean and they were saying how Korean grammar is very similar to Japanese and I mentioned how Japanese was the easiest to pronounce. We got on the subject of roommates and Yuna said there were four in her room including her but eight people in total. Most were Brazilian but there was also a German and Colombian. Misaki had another roommate who is Japanese but she didn't know her she although she thought she is about 29. Talking about age, I said I am old. Yuna said I'm not but she forgot my age and thought I am about 25. When I told her I am older she said it's fine and she likes older and calm people because people who are too wild are too much for her. They were surprised when I remembered where they live.

Misaki asked me why I wore glasses today and I said because it’s a long day. I asked if they were bad but she said she prefers with glasses. She asked Yuna as she came back from the toilet if she thought so too but Yuna said she prefers without. Around this time, Misaki went to the toilet and I asked if Yuna wore glasses and she said only before she goes to bed. I said I actually like girls with glasses and she tried on mine. I told her she was very cute with it and she said I can’t see but I told her I can see since we’re close to each other.

They hadn’t eaten yet but when I asked if they wanted to eat they said they needed to do homework. We walked over to the CBD area and talked about how cold it was. I said for Japan though, this shouldn’t be cold but they said because they could only bring limited clothes, they were quite cold. I also said I didn’t like hot weather but they liked hot weather. I said hot weather makes me feel sleepy and even if I am naked, it is still too hot. Yuna asked if I smoke and I said no. I asked if she did and she said she used to but she stopped because it was too expensive here in Sydney. She also switched to electronic cigarettes but doesn’t use those anymore. I asked if Misaki smoked too and she said never. She said it wasn’t healthy. I asked Yuna how long she smoked for and when she started thinking about the answer, I asked if she started smoking as a baby. She laughed and said no about 6 or 7 years. We passed by a NAB and Yuna asked if it was a bank and I said yes it is.

Before we all headed home, we stopped by the Woolies since they were planning to cook tomorrow’s meal as they always cooked. They had shown me the meals they had cooked earlier including karaage, okonimyaki, and omelette which looked very tasty. They mentioned tamagoyaki which I didn’t know how to translate into English. At woolies they looked for food but apparently it was more expensive than Coles (carrots were almost twice as much) so we left. Yuna asked me if woolies is always expensive and I said not if there’s a sale. We had to depart in different directions but since it would be the last time I see her, I asked Misaki if she’s going to Lentils on Thursday but since it would be the last time, she said she would go.

[santiagostyle]

1-150 ;)

I definitely didn’t scroll 3 months back in my archive just to find this ask so I could make a point but anyway LET’S DO DIS

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Good question lol probably my brother???

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Both depending on the circumstances - usually outgoing if I’m with friends and shy if I’m by myself

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My best friend from uni (who doesn’t go to my uni anymore), I’m going to a concert w her this weekend I’m supes excited

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Yes I’m a damn delight

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I mean ?? Yes probably but I wouldn’t ever be in a situation where they would be the only person there to look after me. Like my friends would be there first and foremost

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

UGH people that make me laugh

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

tbh my theatre lecturer bc i have class in half an hour and haven’t done the reading

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Depends on 1. who i’m talking to and 2. the context in which we’re talking about it but usually no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my best pal from uni

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Yeah I got some”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Four Jews in a Room Bitching - Cast of March of the Falsettos

My Boo (triple j Like a Version) - Flume, Vince Staples, Kučka, Ngaiire, Vera Blue

I Have Confidence - Julie Andrews

Rude Judas (mashup) - Rihanna vs Lady Gaga

Romeo (Bassline remix) - Basement Jaxx

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

YeS

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I went overseas (although technically that was during Aus winter but it was summer in the US where I was???)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yes

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Probably?? I try not to think about it

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Hahahah not unless I see him in person

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

No unfortunately 

21. What are you bad habits?

I bite my nails and I fidget constantly

22. Where would you like to travel?

Europe!!!!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Y E S

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

taking my bra off lmao omg

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

?????? idk all of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Snooze my alarm tbh

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

I mean neither but I wish I could tan instead of getting sunburnt

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my uni friends and my best friend from high school

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

I mean not in those exact words

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I mean hopefully yes

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Melissa Fumero and Andy Samberg but like only if their spouses were cool with it

33. Spell your name with your chin.

I am,,,, not going to do that 

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I dance and I do yoga

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

GOD NEITHER like I listen to music 24/7 but…. brooklyn 99

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yes many times tbh

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Hahaha nothing I’m the worst

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

two words: Melissa Fumero

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I really like H&M

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Plot twist I’m a uni student (I’m studying theatre, film, and english literature)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on what they did

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m either really like upset/mad or really tired

43. Do you smile at strangers?

I try to most of the time

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Bottom of the ocean but also fuck that

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My alarm???? Fam I got class to get to

46. What are you paranoid about?

Literally everything this is a dumb question

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes many times

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

not that i can think of thankfully

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

I regularly wish I was Melissa Fumero does that count

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I wish I could sing tbh

53. Favourite makeup brand?

probably Too Faced

54. Favourite store?

Was there not an identical question not long ago

55. Favourite blog?

tbh probably @elsaclack but @johnnydora is i mean not terrible

56. Favourite colour?

probably purple 

57. Favourite food? 

BURRITOS

58. Last thing you ate?

a ham and cheese toasties

59. First thing you ate this morning?

…. the ham and cheese toastie

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

ACTUALLY YES I once one a competition to go to a cinema and see a performance of of Iolanta and The Nutcracker (but the nutcracker was a super weird absurd version) 

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Neither

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope

63. Ever been in love? 

Tbh probably not

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

HAHAHA wow I was drunk at a party and the guy who like low key tried to ruin my life a few years beforehand 

65. Are you hungry right now?

always

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i mean tbh i like them equally as much

67. Facebook or Twitter?

facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no lol I’m in class

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Macy Temiqua Sandra Megan and like. a lot more

71. Craving something? What?

SURPRISINGLY nothing atm

72. What colour are your towels?

tbh depends on the day mostly purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

nope

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

probably like 7

75. Favourite animal?

meerkats

76. What colour is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cookies and cream

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

purple

80. What colour pants?

black

81. Favourite tv show?

is this really a question

82. Favourite movie?

Cruel Intentions

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

The OG

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Ms Norbury

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

@johnnydora

88. Last person you talked to today?

uni pals

89. Name a person you hate?

donald trump

90. Name a person you love?

baby samberg

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

see question 90

92. In a fight with someone?

not atm

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

too many tbh

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

also too many

95. Last movie you watched?

I honestly don’t remember but probably One of the Greats if that counts as a movie??

96. Favourite actress?

duh Melissa Fumero (but also Sarah Michelle Gellar is fantastic)

97. Favourite actor?

these are stupid questions ok the answer is Andy Samberg but i also love Robert Downey Jr

98. Do you tan a lot?

No

99. Have any pets?

negative

100. How are you feeling?

TIRED AF i was up until 11:30 last night doing an assignment

101. Do you type fast?

yes

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

not really i don’t think

103. Can you spell well?

you bet your ass I can

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yeah I do

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Negative

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

I hope not???

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

No I don’t think so

108. What should you be doing?

taking notes looooool

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not RIGHT now????

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes sigh

111. Do you have trust issues?

yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I very rarely cry in front of people (I very rarely cry full stop) but I think it was my dance teacher

113. What was your childhood nickname?

my parents usually called me Emma Jade

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yessss

115. Do you play the Wii?

we have one but don’t use it haha

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

I do not think so hahaha

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes give it to me

119. Favourite book?

To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

The A to Z of You and Me - James Hannah

The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

I hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not love at first sight, maybe infatuation

125. Do you believe in true love?

yeah i guess so

126. Are you currently bored?

a little

127. What makes you happy?

Brooklyn 99; my friends; anything having to do with theatre, film, or literature

128. Would you change your name?

No i don’t think so

129. What your zodiac sign?

Gemini

130. Do you like subway?

yessssss

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

I don’t really have a best friend of the opposite sex but like depending who it was I would either be v happy or a bit weirded out

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my best friend from uni

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I’m gonna be free and I’m gonna be fine (maybe not tonight)

134. Can you count to one million?

god no

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told someone I was out with my parents bc I didn’t want to answer the phone haha

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed

137. How tall are you?

5′6″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

??? I have ?? wavy hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

Both for different reasons

141. Night or Day?

Both but probably night

142. Favourite month?

June or October or December

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

so far yes

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water. And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent; but nothing is infinite, not even loss. You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Speaking personally, David, I want to tell you you have all my sympathy. Really. These things can be hell.”

[a-slightcatchoflightning]

Little Glass Dinosaur

For @casual-laurie :)

FBG Prompt: Teen Lofty collects glass dinosaur ornaments, has done since he was a kid. While Dylan’s cleaning his room, he accidentally knocks one off the shelf and smashes it. What happens?

Tw:// broken glass

Words: 2604

Dylan stepped around Lofty’s bed and leant over it slightly to reach the windowsill – he was dusting his son’s room for him, since Lofty rarely had enough time with the newfound pressures of university. Lofty trusted Dylan not to go through his things, and Dylan trusted Lofty not to hide anything truly important from him. They’d made that agreement ten years ago, and it wasn’t one Dylan would break.

As he stepped back a little to look out the window, Dylan’s duster caught on a loose splinter of wood on Lofty’s windowsill. Grumbling with mild irritation, Dylan yanked the dusting rag away from the windowsill altogether and into his hip, his fists falling into natural placement on either one.

He didn’t expect it to pull one of the many glass ornaments off the windowsill with it though. He especially didn’t expect it to pull Lofty’s favourite glass ornament with it.

“Good Lord” Dylan dropped into a crouch and placed the duster on the floor beside the broken figurine.

Ever since he was eight, Lofty had collected glass figurines, mostly of animals. They were his prized possessions. Each had a name and a backstory, and each was kept clean and was loved dearly.

Collecting the pieces of the figurine carefully with his hands, Dylan scooped them up with the dustpan he’d also been carrying and went through to the kitchen, guilt creeping over him as he tipped the pieces out onto the kitchen table.

“Good heavens” He muttered to himself as realisation struck. The figurine the shards belonged to were of none other than Lofty’s little glass dinosaur – this was the dinosaur that had started everything off for him.

Dylan slumped into a seat and stared at the broken pieces of disfigured glass and wondered if Rita could remember where she first got the dinosaur it used to resemble.

He could remember, as even more guilt washed over him, how Lofty’s face had lit up as he unwrapped his first ever birthday present, age 8. Himself and Rita had sat with Lofty at the kitchen table, where he sat now, and had helped him with the paper, since his dyspraxia made it harder for him to unwrap the presents.

Lofty had been overjoyed that day, and ever since, he’d collected glass animals.

“Okay, call Rita” Dylan told himself under his breath as he stood and rushed anxiously to the phone; there was no point sitting around and reminiscing over a broken glass dinosaur, when he could solve the problem easily.

On the first ring, Rita picked up.

“Reenie?”

“Dylan, you okay?”

“Uh I’ve had a bit of an accident actually… I was wondering if you could help…”

“I would’ve thought you were a bit old for that sort of accident” Rita laughed down the other end of the phone and Dylan sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Ha-ha.” He replied sarcastically, “No, I dropped Lofty’s dinosaur figurine”

“Oh.” Rita instantly deflated on the other end of the line, “Dylan, that’s pretty serious, you know how he feels about that old thing… Have you told him yet?”

“Not yet no” Dylan admitted, “I was wondering if you remembered where you bought it from?”

“Oh!” Realisation hit, “Right that’s why you’re calling me; yes of course I do! Let me just find the address…” Dylan could hear the sound of drawers being clunked open and shut on the other end of the line and he waited as patiently as possible, while counting down how much time he had left on the large clock hanging on the kitchen wall.

“Rita? I’m sorry to rush you, but he gets home from uni in just under an hour… I don’t want to upset him…” Dylan’s voice was fast and losing patience by the second, but the rushed reply relieved that slightly.

“Yup, here it is: it’s the glass emporium in town!”

“That’s going to take me about ½ an hour to get to; I’m not going to be able to do it in time…” Dylan’s voice trailed off as he realised just how damaging it could be to Lofty for the first gift he received to be destroyed, especially when Dylan was the one who broke it.

“You know what? I’m not busy at the moment, how about I drive round and give you a lift?”

“Thank you Rita” Dylan let out a half-smile of gratitude, though he knew she couldn’t see him.

“It’s okay; I know what it’ll do to Lofty if I don’t. See you in ten”

“Thank you, see you” Dylan hung up the phone, relieved that Rita wasn’t busy and still knew where the dinosaur came from. Placing the phone back on the holder, he turned and swept the shards back into the dustpan, since the dinosaur was irreparable and tipped them into a carrier bag, before carrying it out the back door and dropping it in the black bin.

Once inside, Dylan grabbed his wallet and took his coat from the hook, waiting impatiently by the door for Rita to arrive. It was unlike him to be impatient or anxious over anything, but when it came to Lofty’s happiness and wellbeing, nothing would get in Dylan’s way to try and ensure it was the best it could be.

Finally, the doorbell rang and Dylan swung the door open, revealing Rita, who thankfully to save him any embarrassment, mirrored Dylan’s own slightly frantic expression.

“Come on then” She spoke quickly and they both made their way over to the car, beginning to drive as soon as the last click of a seatbelt sounded.

“How did you remember where it was from?” Dylan asked, in attempt to make some form of conversation through the fierce determination that hung in the air between them.

“Oh it was a business card they gave me; I’ve bought other ornaments for his collection since, so I make sure to keep the card in the address book.” Came the reply as they turned left at some traffic lights.

Dylan felt a tiny weight lift at the realisation that the lights had been green. As they were the only set of lights in the area, they weren’t usually such a big problem for him, but he was feeling more on edge than usual today and needed whatever sign of good luck he could get.

“O-kay” Rita spoke slowly as she concentrated on finding a place to pull in along the narrow lanes of the carpark, “Right… d’you remember what it looks like?”

“Yes” Dylan unbuckled himself and they stepped out of the car simultaneously, making their way hurriedly over to the little glasswork shop.

As they stepped inside, Dylan was reminded of the many times he and Lofty had entered the emporium throughout the years, and how careful Lofty had been not to smash any of the figurines.

Blue stained-glass dolphins hung on dreamcatchers from the walls and a clock-face made entirely out of glass made to resemble the sun took up a brick wall on one of the shop. Stepping under some lower-hung eaves into a cavern-like area, Dylan’s eyes fell to the stand where Lofty supposedly found most of the figurines he liked, as he recognised several: A giraffe with brown and yellow stains made to resemble its coloured coat was placed beside a small elephant-shaped paperweight. Dylan scanned the objects individually, conscious of his lack of time, but grew more anxious with guilt as he failed to spot one identical to the little glass dinosaur which used to inhabit Lofty’s windowsill.

Fearing having to give up, Dylan searched the smaller half of the shop again, repeating his movements to see if he’d missed any.

Twenty minutes remaining… The number hung in his head as he searched even more desperately than before.

“Dylan?” Rita stood behind him holding up a blue and white striped paper bag, folded over at the top. “They had one left; it was on a display near the door.

Relief hit Dylan like a ton of bricks; “Oh thank heavens, thank you Reenie!” and then he realised, “Wait… let me pay you back for that.”

“Dylan, lets focus on getting home in one piece for now, and we can sort that out later.”

“Ah yes, good idea” Dylan nodded, placing his hands on his hips, and then removed them again, cautious of the amount of glass surrounding him, and not wishing to pay a large bill for breaking numerous pieces with his elbows.

***

Once back in the car, Dylan felt himself finally relax ever-so-slightly; it would take less than five minutes to get back to the boat, and then he could put the dinosaur back where it belonged and pretend like nothing ever happened. While he hated that he’d have to lie to his son, the consequences of his not lying would be far more detrimental to Lofty, and Dylan was willing to accept lying over that.

“Thank you so much Reenie” Dylan smiled gratefully at her as he stepped out of the car, before turning and leaning back in, “Come in for some tea?”

“Okay” Rita smiled back up at him, “Thank you”

Dylan walked ahead and unlocked the door to the boat, while Rita went to find a better place to park. Breathing a sigh of relief at the emptiness of the boat, he paced into Lofty’s room and unwrapped the figurine, placing the little glass dinosaur back in its original position on the windowsill.

He stepped back and vowed to dust the next day – this time with no breakages.

***

“Dad, I’m home!” Lofty called through the boat as he shut the door behind him and removed his jacket.

“Through here, my boy” Dylan replied and Lofty went through to his bedroom, dropping his bag on his bed and glancing out the window absentmindedly, before turning and following the voices through into the kitchen.

“How was your day, Dad?” Lofty asked, coming forward and hugging Rita and then Dylan in turn.

“Not bad, did a bit of tidying; what about you?”

“Quite tiring actually” Lofty answered, taking a seat beside Dylan, “They’ve got us making our own lesson plans for a case study about secondary schools”. Lofty was studying to become a teacher at Holby University, and as much as he enjoyed it, he also found it quite tiring at the same time.

“If you need any help, you know where to come for it” Dylan smiled, gesturing towards himself and Rita.

“Thank you, is there anything I can do?” Lofty asked, the smile not leaving his face as he rolled his hoodie sleeves up. He often asked this question upon getting home each night, but Dylan rarely asked him to do anything when he did.  

Tonight however, Dylan could think of one thing that didn’t get done.

“If you’re not too tired, you could dust your windowsill?” Dylan asked, “I was going to do it today, but I got a bit busy elsewhere” He admitted, still feeling the guilt from earlier despite having fixed the problem.

“Sure thing” Lofty smiled, “Oh and can Iain and Max come over later please?”

“Of course” Dylan smiled back, watching fondly as Lofty took a dusting rag and loped out of the kitchen and into his bedroom.

***

Lofty hummed some of the songs from Joseph – the performance he’d been in the previous month with the university drama society – as he turned each figurine over to dust it’s underside, before placing them gently on his bed to avoid dropping or knocking them on the floor. About halfway through doing this, he picked up his favourite, a little glass dinosaur Rita had given him for his eighth – or rather first – birthday.

And then he froze.

Each figure had its name painted in tiny font on the base with pink nail polish; something he’d done since he’d first started collecting them, but now… Where was Harry’s name?

He knew where it should be, and he was completely sure it was there, since he’d dusted it only last week, and the name had been there on its left foot, bold as ever.

Taking the dinosaur carefully in both hands so as not to drop it, Lofty walked slowly into the kitchen where Rita and Dylan still sat, talking over mugs of tea.

“Dad?” Dylan’s blood froze as he saw what Lofty was holding, and he felt panic creep over him; had they picked up the wrong figurine? Dylan was sure they hadn’t, he could recognise which one’s Lofty did and didn’t have from a mile away.

“Yes, my boy?” He answered as nonchalantly as he could manage.

“I think something’s happened to Harry… My figures, they all have their names painted underneath, but his has gone, and I know it didn’t rub off because it can’t have done.” Lofty looked confused and a little upset, so Dylan gestured to the chair opposite him as Rita nudged him under the table, prompting him to come clean.

“Uh” He coughed, “Ben, I think I should tell you something…”

Lofty looked at him, confused as ever.

“I dropped Harry this afternoon when I went to dust your room, and Rita and I went out and bought a replacement because we didn’t  want to hurt you by having broken your first ever birthday present…”

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry Ben” Dylan looked guiltily across the table to where his son stared at the object in his hands dejectedly.

“You didn’t have to lie Dad.” Lofty’s voice was quiet as he placed the dinosaur down on the table in front of him and looked up at Dylan, “You could have just told me straight, I wouldn’t have been mad”

“I’m sorry” Dylan replied earnestly, and Lofty knew he was serious.

“It’s okay Dad” He spoke softly twirling the dinosaur absentmindedly in a little circle.

“Reenie and I were discussing a trip back to the glass shop so you could choose another to add to your collection this weekend actually” Dylan told him, reaching across the table to take his son’s hand.

Lofty squeezed back and Rita smiled quietly at the two of them.

“Thank you, but I need to save for a new laptop” Lofty replied with a smile once more. Dylan wondered for a moment how Lofty managed to keep smiling constantly.

“Oh no, I’d pay for it, don’t worry about that!” Dylan corrected himself, “I know you’d like one of the more modern laptops.”

“Are you sure?” Lofty asked, “The figures are expensive…”

“Of course; as an apology for breaking it, and they aren’t so expensive you know; I’d do anything…”

“Thank you Dad” Lofty smiled up at him, before standing carefully, cautious of the little glass dinosaur, and moving around to Dylan’s side of the table to hug him tightly.

“It’s okay, my boy” Dylan chuckled as he hugged his son back.

“Really, thank you Dad” Lofty repeated and Dylan held him a little tighter before loosening his hold so Lofty could step away.

“And thank you Auntie Rita” He hugged her too, thinking back to his first proper birthday, ten years ago.

“It’s okay Lofty” Rita smiled as Lofty pulled away and took his dinosaur again carefully.

“I’m just gonna go put Harry back in my room” He smiled, turning on his heel and making his way back to his room carefully. He placed the dinosaur back in its place and decided to leave the rest of the dusting until the next day as he put the rest of his figurines back in place on the windowsill.

For now, he was going to spend the evening with Dylan and Rita, just like old times - Until Max and Iain arrived anyway...