#one of the best most engaging and interactive concerts I’ve ever been to

[jaimejames90]

Eurovision: Really Good or Really Bad

This May for the first time I got the opportunity to work on the Eurovision Song Contest in Turin, Italy. Produced by Italian Broadcaster Rai in association with the EBU (European Broadcasting Union).

Coming from the UK, everyone knows Eurovision, I have to confess though I have never been a avid fan, but like most people I have either watched it or parts of it on numerous occasions. I’ve always been slightly perplexed by the genuine excitement from some each year when it’s on. As well as hearing the standard criticism from the older demographic about it "all being political these days".

The UK has clearly performed poorly in the last two decades. The last time the UK won was 1997 when I was six years old and a runner’s up position the following year in 1998. Since then the best results have been a third place in 2002 and fifth in 2009 (the first time I ever actually watched it from start to finish). If Eurovision likes Britain has been a open debate in recent decades, which has only intensified post Brexit with a string of terrible results, finishing on the lower part of the table, often last and even some dreaded “Nul Points” including 2021.

As a Brit when I was contacted by Rai to work on it, I was a little hesitant, is it something I want to be involved in, it's silly right. Well I was so wrong and it is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done, the fans absolutely love it and helping to shape (just the tiniest amount), what is in my opinion one of the best produced and marketed Eurovision’s ever (I may be a little biased) was a joy. The staging with the full waterfall stage, looked epic on TV and made the whole thing feel like a rock concert, the aim clearly as last year’s Italian winner Maneskin is a seriously credible rock band, even touring America with The Rolling Stones and not the joke winner we tend to associate Eurovision with. 

So what is so good about it? One thing often over looked in the UK, is the sheer size of the event and the level of interaction it generates with its seemingly large fan base. Turin did a incredible job with Eurovision parties and events all week long. Many countries in Europe unlike the UK also see this as a serious music competition not a joke and select artist’s and song’s to reflect that. It shouldn’t be a surprise that when we enter a good artist, which Sam Ryder is, as is his song “Space Man” we actually almost won and in a normal year we would have. 

The big event feel and must see TV vibe they created especially this year really took the whole thing to another level. The ratings for 2022, 161 million viewers, down on the lower 180′s of recent years, but represents a 7% year on year rise when you take into account the absence of Russia and no available numbers from Ukraine, which combined accounted for 29 million viewers in 2021. Italy recorded it’s highest ever figure of 6.6 million, Spain 6.8 million and the UK 8.9 million a 20% increase year on year, over 50% of the live viewing audience in Britain were watching and the highest individual ratings in Europe. 

The other thing Eurovision does so well is engage with it’s online audience, the area I work in. This year for the first time Eurovision was available to watch on TikTok with the Semi-Finals being streamed approximately 4 million times each and 3.3 million times for the Grand Final. Also generating 189 million video views in the fourteen days leading up to the grand final. On YouTube, 42.3 million unique views and 7.6 million viewers for the grand final, a 50% increase, with 63% under 35. In total across all social channels videos were watched 284 million times during Eurovision week. A phenomenal number and truly shows the approach Eurovision have taken this year across social and digital is delivering massive returns. 

The Politics, is it political? Yes and No. Without question Ukraine won this year not for the song they entered but for external political reasons, however the “it’s political” stance is wrong, if it was left up to the jury votes alone Ukraine did not come close to winning, it was in fact the general public voting across Europe who backed Ukraine and sent them home with the trophy. A gesture of solidarity and politics I can live with even if I am disappointed for the UK. 

Above all the most enjoyable thing about the whole experience was the people and just how much every person in attendance from all over Europe (& Australia) was enjoying it and how everyone from audience members, to artists and production crew was having such a good time.

Eurovision may be seen as cheesy and in parts it is, however personally it was so much fun to work on and the biggest lesson of all from 2022 is that the UK can do well if we don't treat it like a joke and we just try.

[meikuree]

fic writer interview

tagged by @lightdescending -- tysm, this was really fun and i enjoy elaborating on things about writing/the writing process!

putting this under a read more because of my trademark verbosity (AGAIN)

name: meikuree

fandoms: actively writing for snk, tempted to write for the locked tomb

two-shot: oh i've not intentionally done these! twenty years of snow accidentally fits the bill, but only because it's on an indefinite hiatus

most popular multi-chapter: of aubades, my pieck-centric ficlet series, by some metrics

actual worst part of writing: when I get stuck in a loop of perfectionism and excessive self-scrutiny and rewrite… and rewrite… and rewrite again. my solution to this is to send it to a friend and ask for them to tell me just one (1) nice thing about it and put me out of my misery, or do freewriting where the point is to write whatever immediately pops into my head. usually then I’ll bump into an epiphany in the middle about how to Make It Work.

alternatively: fic writing is at times such a solitary, obsessively recursive activity and that’s one tension I dislike/have to negotiate with, because part of why I like art is to share it with people or at the very least engage in some kind of reciprocal conversation about it. community in art is very important to me in general, and I try to cultivate it in my online presence in small ways!

how you choose your titles: i'm a fan of grabbing titles from poems and songs/song lyrics (like you!) -- and drawing them from regina spektor songs in particular, bc she’s by some metrics my all-time favourite musician and i’m very familiar with her discography

do you outline: usually, yes. i don’t confine myself to it, but at minimum I outline pivotal moments and turning points. my process tends to start with a compelling scene or character interaction popping into my head and then goes on with me thinking about how i can use it as a vehicle for communicating a certain concept/philosophical idea/insight about XYZ characters' relationships somehow. that becomes the core idea/endpoint I want to reach by the end in a fic, so then i'll outline the main emotional or introspective beats i want to carry across in service of that

ideas I probably won’t get around to but wouldn’t it be nice: wow, um... /gestures vaguely at my unending list of wips/ that said, one idea i'm tickled by is an obnoxious, utterly random M-rated pieck/lady tybur fic involving painplay and knifeplay, the plot for which is literally just… lara tybur stabs pieck with a knife, but make it sexy somehow… with a dash of political intrigue and a complicated ambiguous relationship where two women use each other in a decidedly callous but also self-aware and self-indulgent way. the idea for this just came from me going "ah yes... the inherent homoeroticism of being stabbed by another woman..." and wondering about ~scenarios enabled by being a titan shifter, when you can regenerate your wounds and such! (partial inspiration also came, I will admit, from the locked tomb fandom and its lesbian body horror influences)

callouts @ me: sensory details are one of my biggest weak points. i've been ironing it out through concerted practice, but when i first started out writing fic i tended to be more comfortable dealing with metaphor, introspection, and mental states than... writing about actual, corporeal things happening in corporeal textspace. it can create the impression while reading, I suspect, that the characters are stuck a lot in their own heads. one of my earliest and favourite ao3 comments i've gotten said in passing that i used "very little dialogue and description" and i'm still tickled by... how true it is as an MO. it also amuses me because it seems to parallel the same issue i had with essays i wrote at university, i think (!) -- my professors would tell me, “you have a great grasp on the theory but you need to include more concrete examples." and i'd go "what? i was supposed to use examples?? ?__? isn’t the point self-evident from the theory?” for me, shifts in relationship dynamics and the negotiation of one's worldview underlying an event ARE the plot! -- and everything else tends to become subservient to that when i write

the other thing, which is somewhat related to the above, is just... self-confidence! i can be very insecure about my writing style, as my partner and poor friends I’ve whinged to can attest. mainly because i always fear that reading it feels like wading through a thick, unappealing swampy bog of someone's thoughts. but i think the solution is to just take a grounded, balanced view, like: there are some things i do well, and some things i do not-as-well in writing, and that's fine! that's normal! and in the moment i can be very hard on myself, and wring my hands thinking OH MY GOD THE UTTER CRINGE OF ME WRITING ANY OF THIS but i find that somehow, i always end up enjoying rereading what i write.

best writing traits: the most consistent comment i get, i think, is that my writing is beautiful and poetic (and one time: "this is one of the most poetic things i've ever read." which -- ?!?!). I’ve also been told that i characterise people well or with nuance, and write about them sensitively and with depth. i'm grateful, always, to hear these bc these things constitute the one niche i CAN do, imo!

spicy tangential opinion: hm… from what I’ve observed, many fandoms have a tendency to flatten character motives and complexities into easy, tidy and dare i say, sometimes bizarre, labels and categories. it’s not surprising it happens, but sometimes there’s space for people (a big, vague, nonspecific ‘people’) to go beyond simplistic assumptions about characters and one-dimensional portrayals (and to give writers who achieve it their due! I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen an incredibly well-written fic that was relatively undernoticed and gone, “why, fandom???”) sometimes you write to fix canon, and sometimes you write because it’s fanon that needs fixing instead.

tagging (no pressure): @ebbet @noxcounterspell @leksaa90 @minoan-ophidian @frumpkinspocketdimension @acerinky @rose-gardens @chocochipbiscuit @whiteasy @ochen @kallistoi  anyone else who wants to join in!

[nightswithkookmin]

I loveeeee the way ur brain works and i like all ur posts and love reading them. Its Jimin day today and i wont lie that i am feeling a bit sad about whole JK not posting on JM bday because he was getting active on Social media again and i thought its because of JM bday coming soon but i hope they are happy and JM had a blast celebrating his bday.. it annoys me how other ship( u know which ship) is happy and making fun about this situation and calling Jikook bond fake and nonexsistant. 1/2

Ahhhhhh this topic!

Also me:

Packing my bags off these shipping streets. Jk don disgrace us. Lol. Kidding. If more than anything today has solidified my faith in JK and Jikook and while y'all are jumping ship imma hold the fort. Hashtag Jikook for life!

I've been receiving a lot of questions about this, about JK not posting for JM's birthday and I haven't answered any of them because- well I passed out. So...

Anywho,

Jk didn't post true, but have you thought about what it would have meant for him and JM if he had posted?

Now I see a lot of people running through the ship streets shouting Jikook broke up, something was off between them, Jikook was never real, jikook this- Jikook that- y'all need to calm your horses or I swear to God!

I mean I am down for all that wild gossip and angst but I think y'all is tripping.

Do I think they are in a bad place, HELL NO. Do I think they are not real? HELL NO! Do I think JK don lost his minds? ABSOLUTELY.

Lol

No but seriously, I'm fascinated by all of this. I'm in pain, can't process shit but when it comes to Jikook I'm always intrigued and fascinated by them.

I'm mostly fascinated by why JK pulled a 5/8, geared up for JM's birthday but then posts crickets on Jimin's birthday as you've said.

Is it me or does this whole thing feel like the tattoo girl scandal all over again? Lmho.

Up until now, I've avoided addressing Asks about Jikook coming out, JK proposing and stuff like that because those territories are a bit tricky for me- to speculate on those, I find I'd have to speculate on whether marriage is something both of Jikook want, whether both of Jikook want to come out but these are conversations I don't think y'all are ready for with me.

Not when I believe one of them, if you've been following my train of thoughts you'd know which, is not ready to make such commitments, joking about marriage and shit- yes, that tiny man. Lol.

I mean the backlash I get for the tamer things I share on here- chilee, y'all is about to eat me up for this. Here goes nothing. Mama pray for me.

I have said, late 2018 to the middle of 2019 is one of the moments I sincerely felt JK was going to 'out' Jikook just based on the way he was moving through that era until that impromptu hiatus and the following scandal.

Out Jikook as in OUT Jikook- I've told y'all Jikook have been asserting themselves against eachother. JK has been asserting himself and part of that self assertion ties in with his sexuality. He is tired of hiding. He's been tired since 2016- trouble this one.

Do I think JM is ready to come out- No. He doesn't want to come out but he doesn't want to hide hide either. Dude just want to stay in that glass closet.

Throughout my posts, I've speculated this has been a huge part of their on and off dynamics since November last year. Jk coming off too strong, JM asking for space- yall know don't make me repeat myself.

November 2019 up until today is also one such periods I felt JK was going to out Jikook, inspite of all the ups and downs they've experienced this season.

JK scares me to be honest with you. I keep saying people are looking at him wrong. Hell, people are looking at Jikook dynamics wrong I feel.

All the times Jikook have almost been accidentally outed, who's been the most terrified? It's not JK.

Jimin's face when RM said JK sneaks into JM's bed at night, his face when they walked into JK's room on Bon V and saw the cameras. I have an entire dissertation on this on my wall please get with it. Lol

Whatever silent protest JK's been on since JM's birthday last year- Not gonna lie, I felt JK was not posting for the others so he could post on JM's birthday this year as a way of coming out with him? You know, make a bold statement like he's done over the years? I'm delusional but also dead serious.

Each time I feel JK's come close to this pivotal moment, something's happened. I swear Jikook is taking years off my life- I'm exhausted.

Why is he trying to out their relationship on his own and not do that with the consent of Jimin? I'm gonna pray to God, y'all can read my mind with everything I have been saying since my posts because this is cutting it too close for me- and I'm exhausted so maybe another post next time.

Like I've said, I really believe they are in a good place this time around. Y'all know me, I don't shy from angst, I'd say if I felt there's been something off with them since they fixed whatever they were going through early half of the year.

The only tension I've sensed between them lately was on day two of the online concert when JM got a little too excited with trying to sell the sexual tension fantasy in his other ships and JK didn't look like he was happy about.

Later during the curtain call you could see dude cold stoning JM resulting in JM doing what he does best in such instances- clinging on to JK for their life. Lol.

He vanished from Namjoon's side real quick to take the bow next to JK but JK- Y'all check that moment out for yourself, see what I'm talking about.

Is that why he didn't wish Jimin a happy birthday? I don't think so. I think he put a lot of thought and preparation towards this moment to make something like this undo all of that- that is if my suspicions about what he was trying to do this year is right.

Jimin gone wake up married one of these days he won't know what hit him! Lmho.

It is why, I don't buy this whole he didn't post for the others which is why he didn't post for Jimin narrative. When have you known Jk to care about things like these?

The man literally got a birthday present for Jimin gave it to him in the presence of some of the members without doing same for them. Singling JM out like this is nothing new to him. He has done so consistently over the years to let this deter him.

The question y'all should be asking is why he didn't post for the others in the first place. They are all friends and posting for eachother's birthdays is a long standing tradition in BTS so why is he breaking from this culture all of a sudden?

Is he rebelling? Is he protesting? What is he trying to do? Right?

This moment has been building up since last year after JM's birthday and I honestly believed he was going to go through with it- hell I bought a wedding dress and shit- Jikook you son of bish!

I have said the company is giving them much room to be themselves, RM isn't breathing down their necks, JM looked like he was finally committed- everything looked great between them in my opinion except perhaps for the growing tensions between JK, V and Namjoon- If you've been paying any attention to their recent Twitter war.

I hate speculating based on nothing, so I'm just going to point out to you my observations without drawing conclusions- I'll share my thoughts on what these moments means when I've had more content to peruse and analyze from now- but for now you can make of it what you will:

1. JK starts a count down on Twitter, JM responds and continues the countdown.

Now I clocked, the moment JK posted this on the 5th that he had something up his sleeves with regards to Jimin which I shared with y'all. He was going for a 5/8/13 it's not news now.

2. After Jimin posts day 4 for the countdown, who ever was going to post after him was going to have to post day 3 to continue the countdown right? But Tae posts a V-cut instead breaking that chain.

Now I remember joking about this moment with a friend, rolling my eyes exclaiming, here they go again! V is trying to sabotage JK yet again, and he'd turn around and ask why their friendship is dwindling. The pettiness and passive aggressiveness of it all!

That moment reminded me of when he called JK out for attempting to eyefuck JM through the viewfinder in the Dynamite MV reaction video. Remember that? Same energy to me.

They do shit like this and their shippers will not take note but will turn around and act surprised when we say Taekook ain't all that- rolling my eyes.

3. Hobi continues the countdown with day 3 and RM posts something random the next day but I think it was to neutralize the Taekook shenanigans. Neutralizing is what RM does best- we been knew.

4. Jk posts his Savage Love cover on the 8th and equally doesn't partake in the countdown he himself initiated because- Savage.

5. Suga posts day 2. RM and Jin posts day 1 and Tae posts D-Day on the D day to promote the concert. Yadda yadda yadda.

Now I didn't think much of this moment to be honest- i merely took a mental note of it for future reference, and was paying close attention to their interactions at the concert- which we will talk about soon..

I didn't make much of this bit until VJoonKook became a hold out on Jimin's birthday. They were the last three to post, two of whom ended up not posting at all for Jimin"s birthday- fucking traitors.

It was at this point I felt compelled to put on my tinfoil hat. And reevaluate the situation.

Why were these three people the same trio engaged in that little squabble just a few days ago on the timeline? I wondered.

It felt as if Taekook were engaged in a Russian Roulette racing the clock while Joonie stood by waiting to neutralize whatever shit those two were going to pull on the timeline.

Call me delusional but I felt JK was going to post, Tae was going to try to one up him with a ridiculous post or counter his post- V and his fucking VMin agenda! Lmho

RM was going to end up mirroring whatever JK was going to post to neutralize it as per usual- leave me alone. I said I'm delusional. Let me be. Lol.

There's just a lot going on all at once and it's easy to lose sight of subtle moments like these when they happen.

Like Jimin saying he would be on VLive soon, which first of all- yay!

Y'all know I've been keeping my eyes on the app, most especially how the members are going to use it post IPO, post Soop- I have a lot of questions; will they be monitored like they were in May? Will they be able to have intimate interactions with the fans like before?

Y'all know my theory about Jikook and the VLive stuff so I'll leave it there.

Now as for what this moment here means, I think it's a humbling experience for all of us but mostly for Jimin-JK you sonova bish! Lol

Jimin is the one who loves to flex his bond and relationship with JK, he loves to show off their relationship. He is the one who's been called all sorts of names under the sun just because of his relationship with JK- even if they are friends.

None of the members have suffered and paid a price for their relationship with JK the way Jimin has throughout the years. It is why I hate it when people compare the others to him. Even if it placates you and lessens your insecurities please don't.

I'm not pressed about no ship wars. Hell, I often start one myself- what? fun.

I'm worried for Jimin mostly.

I think JK more than anyone knows how this looks. Which is why I really don't think this is what he was aiming for all along. To make Jimin look this way- again not to say JM is better than the others he didn't post for.

I don't know what's going on with JK now but I am not about to tell you this moment is nothing. It is not nothing.

I know people want to console themselves with the whole my partner don't gotta show off on social media on my birthday to show he loves me- please shut up. Or may be don't. Y'all con shippers confound me.

This is Jikook here, showing is an integral part of their dynamics. Isn't that why people call them a fanservice ship? Because they show so much? Because they do so much?

Jikook like to show off their bond, they like claiming eachother, they like reassuring eachother and I'm sorry but Park Jimin's father set such high standards for his son's birthday for anyone who claim they love him to pull stunts like this. Do y'all know Jikook at all?! I have to ask.

Jimin loves to be treated like he is different and special. It's his love language. We know this, BTS knows this, JK knows this- don't make excuses for JK if at the very least you can't see what he was trying to do here.

Even if you don't think they are a couple they are best friends- at the bare minimum. It doesn't take more than a few seconds to login and wish a friend a happy birthday- Hobi made four and he is not dating Jimin. Just saying.

You can't yell Jikook show us a lot hence there's no need for wild theories and assumptions and bully people who come up with wild theories and then in the same breath say they don't have to openly show us they care about eachother for them to be real- Y'all are going to ship by faith now? Chileee.

I have said JK likes to retract and conceal and only shows what he chooses to show and this was his choice. It's as simple as that. He chose not to post.

He didn't do it because of no damn other members.

He occupies a huge space in JMs life to not know what this moment says about him and his highly publicized relationship with Jimin- chileee, whatever did park Jimin do to you, JK?! Jesus Christ!

Havent heard of a betrayal this grand since the birth of Judas Iscariot- Judas is that you? Lmho.

I joke but I don't find this funny at all. Bless them.

It's one thing to not post for the others, but it's different for Jimin. And this is not to say the others don't matter to JK, they do. He's called them all family but then again he hasn't placed any one of them on a pedestal the way he's placed Jimin on a pedestal now has he? So we cannot assume Jimin means the same to him as the others mean to him.

Isn't that why we ship them?

Personally, I'm hurt by all of this. It hurts me that some people are going to use this as an excuse to tease and bully Jimin, call him a liar, call into question the years of friendship between Jikook, call into question any future interactions between them- I don cried my eyes out all day for Jimin but also for JK.

It hurts that I have to defend JK and Jikook to anyone. The task wasn't easy before all of this- not that anybody sent me. Who died and made me their spokesperson. Chileee

But please let's not dismiss this moment or belittle it. It's monumental- to me anyway.

JK was on to something I'm just curious to know what stopped him this time around. I want to know if he plans on not posting at all for anyone in the future. How long is he going to keep at it?

He's tried to out them twice. Will he do it again? How is he going to do it? What is Jimin going to do if indeed this is what JK had been planning, how is this going to affect their dynamics- I'm excited for their journey however it goes.

It's their journey unauthored. I'm just here to observe and report- and may uWu while I'm at it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we gotta ask ourselves, had JK posted anything at all today knowing full well he hasn't posted at all for anyone in the group all year, that what would that have meant for their relationship? What message would that have sent?

While we lament about this moment, let's also take a minute to ponder over what this moment might have signified if JK had actually posted.

Everything he did in the days leading up to Jimin's birthday pointed to the fact he was definitely going to post. To me it felt he was gonna come out. He was. And if he had done it- my god!

JK isn't my favorite person right about now. He can go ahead and step on leggos. No kithes for him🙄

But I have faith in him. Always. He's consistently shown and proven his love and loyalty for Jimin through out the years. You don't nibble on a man's ear in front of sixty thousand people, to find posting a simple message on his birthday tedious. This is Jikook. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

I wish I could tell yall, this moment means nothing, that JK not posting is not a big deal but I can't. This moment is everything.

Signed,

GOLDY

[whenrockwasyoung19]

It’s Time to Talk about a Bespectacled Elephant in the Room

I’ve been in the Beatles fandom for 8 and a half years. I have had a Beatles blog for the entirety of those 8 and a half years, and I have watched as discourse about these four men evolve. The discourse inside and outside the fandom has become so toxic that I don’t think I can engage with it in the same way that I could before. Let me explain. 

When I entered this fandom 8 and a half years ago, it was in 2012, quite an infamous year in tumblr history. That was the pique of “”cringey”” fandom culture. The Beatles fandom was as steeped in fandom culture as any other fandom. I know this because I was part of two of the top of fandoms at the time, Doctor Who and Sherlock. Believe me, I have seen cringe. 

The fandom at the time was totally aware of the John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s flaws as individuals, but most fans tended to simply enjoy Beatles fandom as if it were the 60s. Some might call it ignorant bliss. If you asked me at the time, I’d have said it was self-aware ignorant bliss--if that even makes sense. At the time, there wasn’t a person with a Beatles icon who hadn’t heard the line “John Lennon beat his wife.” Everyone knew it, but everyone also knew the real story, and so everyone just made peace with it. As a result, people didn’t think about every bad thing the Beatles ever did on a daily basis. It was more like a once-a-month kind of thing. Otherwise, fandom discourse was quite fun and relaxed. There were no shipping wars, no one fought over who was the best Beatle, everyone gushed over the Beatles wives, and we all just had fun with fics and fan art. 

Of course, in this period, people engaged in conversations about one bespectacled Beatles problematic behavior. These conversations usually came from outside of the fandom. It was usually randos coming into the tags or into someone’s ask box and ranting about John Lennon’s violent behavior. Some of it came from within the fandom. Some people really didn’t like John and gave others shit if they listed John as their favorite Beatle. A lot of the discourse boiled down to: ‘hey, I see you like John Lennon. You should know that he beat his wife. And now that you know that, you should feel bad about ever liking him in the first place.’ And the response was often, ‘Actually, John Lennon didn’t beat his wife. They weren’t even married at the time. And also he didn’t beat her, he slapped her once in the face, and then never did it again.’ No one’s minds were changed. The fans had made their peace, and the antis came off as cynical and pretentious. 

When Dashcon happened, and Tumblr took a hard look at its cringey fandom culture, the Beatles fandom evolved as well. The fandom became, frankly, less fun. It no longer felt like a group of people who found the Beatles decades after the 60s and were fangirling like it was 1965. There was still some of that left, but a lot of it kind of faded. So, most fandom interactions were reblogging pictures of the Beatles from the 60s and various interview clips and quotes. But the barrage of antis never really went away, and the response didn’t evolve. 

Then, the advent of cancel culture came on. I always waited for the Beatles to get, like, officially canceled, but I also felt they were uncancel-able at the same time. Let me explain. I have been a Beatles fan primarily in an online space, rarely engaging with fans in real life. But I have met fans who are life-long Beatles fans, people who are a lot older than us and who’s fandom isn’t tied to the internet. They don’t give a shit about any of our discourse. They may or may not have heard it before, but they seem totally indifferent to all of it. I’m sure most of them have never heard ‘Mclennon’ before. These are the people that flock to see Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in concert (and pay astronomical prices for it). These are the people who go to record shops and buy vinyl. These are the people I run into at flea markets who buy up all the Beatles merch before I can even arrive (true story). So, the Beatles will never be canceled because there will always be people who love the Beatles and don’t engage with online discourse. Rarely said, but thank god for Gen-X. 

As cancel culture took over the internet, fandoms changed. It’s not as noticeable in fandoms without problematic favs. For instance, I’m also steeped in the Tom Holland fandom, and that boy is a little angel who has done no wrong. No one has discourse about the unproblematic boy who plays an equally unproblematic character. But in fandoms with ‘problematic favs’ the mood has shifted. I’m also in the Taron Egerton fandom. Taron Egerton, for those who only follow me for my Beatles stuff, is a genuinely sweet and kind person who has had zero scandals in his six year career. There were some rumblings when he was cast as Elton John, and some people took issue with the fact that he’s a straight man playing a gay man. This discourse seemed to die quickly as a whole lot of straight people played gay people in that same year (Olivia Coleman as queer Queen Anne, Emma Stone as her queer lover, Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury). Why jump on this boy who at the time was still technically on the rise. He’s not exactly the same target as someone like Scarlett Johansson who has her pick of roles. Taron doesn’t have quite that some power in Hollywood, and I think most people made peace with the fact that this was a big role for him, and it’s not really fair to take that away from him. So, all in all, the closest thing to a scandal was something that died pretty much on arrival. 

That was until this summer when everything changed. When George Floyd was murdered, celebrities flocked to social media to mourn his loss. Taron’s social media account was silent. For weeks, Taron said nothing about Black Lives Matter or Floyd’s death. This caused outrage in the fandom. Many raced to defend him, starting a hashtage #IstandwithTaron. Others sought to tear him down and anyone who supported him. The kind of mania this one incident caused tore through an otherwise peaceful fandom. What I saw was two sides in a total panic. The antis were people who once had faith that Taron was a good person and were now questioning that. Andthe defenders were people who desperately wanted him to be a good person and were afraid that he wasn’t. In essence, both sides could feel Taron about to get canceled. The defenders wanted to stop it, the antis wanted to ride that wave. 

What this long drawn out Taron example is meant to convey: is that cancel culture has put fandoms on edge. One’s fav has to be perfect, otherwise it can jeopardize the existence of the entire fandom. I’ll admit, I was afraid that I’d be some kind of pariah for standing by Taron through all of this. My actions were to basically reason with the antis but still defend Taron. I defend him mostly because I felt that his silence was the result of a needed social media absence and that trying to shame him back onto social media was an invasion of privacy. But I was genuinely afraid that he would get canceled, and the fun of the Taron fandom would be lost. 

In the Beatles fandom, it often feels like the Beatles, mainly John, have already been canceled. I see this coming from two different sources: antis from outside of the fandom and antis within the fandom. The outside antis are just the same as the ones from 2012. These are people who like to drop in that John Lennon beat his wife, posting this in the tag (which violates an ancient tumblr real by the way--no hate in the tags). 

The antis outside the fandom speak to a larger anti-John Lennon sentiment online. I see references to John Lennon ‘beating his wife’  on Tiktok and twitter. The tone of anti-John Lennon posts has shifted. Before, it felt like the antis were being smug but also argumentative. They wanted to have a conversation about this bit of info they read on Reddit with no context. Now, “John Lennon beating his wife” is practically a meme. It’s a running joke online that John Lennon was a wife beater. I can’t look on my instagram explore page because every so often a John Lennon beats his wife meme will pop up amongst the other, normal, memes.

This change in discourse suggests that the internet has just accepted this as fact now. I should note that back in 2012, it seemed as if few people knew this fact. The fandom knew it, and these random antis knew it, but few others did. Now, because of how common these memes are, it seems to be widespread knowledge.

Consequently, the Beatles fandom, who used to ward off attacks from antis, seems to have given in. I recently saw a post from a Beatles blog (had the URL and icon and everything) that confessed they felt guilty for listening to the Beatles, and I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed in the fandom. People tend to put disclaimers in posts about John or even all four that John is an ‘awful man.’ It seems like the self-aware ignorant bliss has completely gone away. Occasionally, I still see posts joyously talking about Mclennon or reblogs of old photos from the 60s. But the culture has shifted. 

Online, it no longer feels comfortable to be a Beatles fan. It feels like you have to own up to 8 decades of mistakes by four men you’ve never met. And, I should note, this is kind of how it feels to be a fan of anything right now. Taron is not canceled today, but he could be tomorrow. It’s this pervasive feeling of guilt that the person you’re supporting may or definitely has or is doing something wrong.

I’ll admit this uncomfortable feeling has expanded into other parts of my fandom life. I listen to their music, and I feel elated--the way I always have. Then, I get these intrusive thoughts which sound like all the worst parts of Twitter combined. It wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, when I knew almost nothing about them, I saw them as four young men who were full of happiness, love for another, and talent. Back then, listening to their music was exciting and joyous. Sometimes, I fear that I can never feel that way again. Next year, when I finally go to Liverpool, will I be filled with excitement or guilt? 

I say all this for a few reasons. One, I love John Lennon. I appreciate all the good he did for the world not just as a musician and an artist but also his advocacy and charity work. I love him, and a part of me will always love him, but observing the change in discourse has enlightened me as a historian. Part of my job is to observe people’s legacies, and John’s is perhaps the most interesting legacy I’ve ever observed. When he died, he was hailed as a saint. But tall poppy syndrome set in, and the antis started. This culture grew and grew to the point where it seems to, at least among the younger generation, taken over the sainthood. 

But as a historian and a fan, I have never seen the saint or the devil. I’ve only seen the man, the incredibly flawed man. The thing that these antis never understand is that John Lennon was painfully aware of his own flaws to the point where it made him all the more self-destructive. In essence, his past mistakes caused him to make additional mistakes. But John, aware of his own flaws, always tried to change and was often successful. I’ve talked about this before, but John demonstrated that he was capable of being a good person, like properly so, again and again. After he struck Cynthia, he never hit her again. His shortcomings as a father to Julian weren’t repeated with Sean. He worked on his drinking, his drug addiction, and his anger, trying to overcome those demons till the day he died. By all accounts, the John Lennon that died in 1980 is not the John Lennon who struck Cynthia Powell at school. That John Lennon was living a cleaner, healthier life. He was a better father to both his sons by that point, and was trying to repair his relationship with Julian. He was a good husband to Yoko and saw himself living a long and happy life. 

John Lennon cannot and should not be boiled down to just his flaws. It’s one thing as a fan to acknowledge that John is a flawed human being (news flash: they all are), but he is also much bigger than that. 

So once again, why am I writing this long, rambling post, once again talking about John Lennon’s virtues? Because if I can’t engage with healthy discourse about the Beatles and John Lennon, then I can’t engage with discourse on the topic at all. So, I probably will post less Beatles stuff because I find it hard to go through the tags or even my dash (well, I can’t really go through my dash anymore for other reasons I’m not going to get into right now). If any of my followers have noticed a lot of Taron posts lately, it’s not just because I love Taron, it’s because Taron’s  tag is pretty much the only location on tumblr I feel 100% comfortable in. Any foray into John or the Beatles tags becomes uncomfortable and guilt-ridden quickly. 

So, I probably will post less about the Beatles until I can find a blog or a tag that doesn’t give me bad vibes. My fandom will likely outgrow tumblr and the internet. I have a ton of Beatles books; maybe I’ll rely on those. I am doing official scholarly research on them now. Maybe that will be my outlet. I’m sorry if I post less about them now, but it’s really for my own well-being. 

[eintsein]

Warning: 10 min read ahead :)

Coming into freshman year, I was relatively optimistic. However, I also did that thing where I prevent myself from having too strong of an opinion or extreme expectations (whether it’s positive or negative) before actually experiencing something, in order not to settle on a premature judgment. Even so, before starting freshman year, I was excited for a huge change - I was sick of mundane high school life. When I finally started college, man, was it liberating.

On Intellectual Development

I’d been taking more or less the same classes throughout high school. These classes covered the exact same topics - the only difference was the depth of the material. In college, however, I got to study a breadth of topics and subjects - astronomy, anthropology, information science, philosophy - subjects into which I barely dipped my toes, and when I did so, it was only through the books I read in my own time.

Choosing a liberal arts school is one of the best decisions I ever made because it exposes me to so many things I simply did not have access to in the earlier stages of my intellectual development. Like, yeah, I can read philosophy books whenever I want, but who will I talk to when I don’t understand an argument? How can I discipline my thinking, my writing, my approach to this new learning material? I can find any topic fascinating, but I can’t exactly set my mind on any of them because I haven’t had proper academic exposure. Plus, where high school humanities courses were easy and contained little engagement - just lots of material - the humanities courses I took in my freshman year of college got me thinking and reflecting and engaging with the material even when I didn’t intend to.

What I particularly enjoyed was the discussion sections in humanities courses. For those less familiar with the system, each course usually has a weekly discussion where students are split up into smaller classes and get to discuss anything related to the course material that week. I am not a naturally talkative or articulate person by any standard, let alone compared to Americans, so obviously these discussions were very challenging. But aside from helping me practice putting my thoughts into words and to interact verbally with academic material, these discussions did allow me to engage with the material in a way that I could not have alone, in a way that a STEM course probably could not be discussed.

My STEM courses, however, had their own merits. I very much enjoyed the project based, hands-on approach of most of the classes, especially when teamwork is involved. For my final project for a web programming and design course, my team and I got to make a website for an on-campus, student-run grocery store. For my intro CS final project, I got to code an entire game of alien invaders. This was so refreshing compared to the STEM courses I did in high school, where I was basically just learning the theory for 6 months, and then drilling past papers for the next 6 months. Theory in these STEM courses are also more involved and require more thinking, while high school science courses tend to be on the mechanical side.

College is also liberating because whenever I have the urge to understand something more deeply or find an ever-present curiosity sitting in the back of my mind, I can always enroll in a course or attend a lecture, instead of always being redirected to a predetermined course combination that doesn’t allow for intellectual exploration, and settling for an article, a youtube video, or a book instead. It’s an amazing feeling to always have a fountain of knowledge with which I can quench my intellectual thirst.

When it comes to learning things, I still have the same attitude as the wide-eyed freshman when I first came last fall. I kinda wish I had experimented more instead of jumping into my ‘intended major’, though. In my first two semesters here, I took astronomy, anthropology, comparative literature, computer science, economics, information science, mathematics, and philosophy, which is already quite a diverse course combination, but there are some other subjects I’d like to try out and definitely could have if I hadn’t settled for a major upon entering college. But wherever I end up - and I still have a year to decide - I’m sure I’ll choose something interdisciplinary and requires diverse ways of thinking.

On Paths (in Life, School, etc.)

The intellectual and academic rigidity of high school also kind of narrowed my scope for my own future. The courses and careers built into my head were the ones I was exposed to at school, at home, or in mainstream media. However, being exposed to all this new knowledge made me realize how little I’ve experienced - certainly not enough to determine where I’m going in life - and that it’s okay to not be sure of where I want to go.

There’s this perception that you should know where you want to be in the future by the time you turn 17 or 18 or whatever age you graduate high school, maybe even earlier if you take into account the college application period. But honestly, how realistic is that? I mean, it’s great if you discover your ‘passion’ early on in life, but then where’s your room to breathe? How can you explore the other joys life has to offer? How can be so sure that the path you’re on is the right one if you haven’t walked any other or even seen other possible paths? 

College freed me from feeling like I need to be certain of where I was going. It freed me from trying to pursue a predetermined path based solely on my past academic experience, and instead focus on trying new things to build new experiences and knowledge that will evolve into a path that I enjoy every step of the way.

That also applies to choosing a major. I started out ‘wanting’ to do computer science - wanting being a loose term meaning something I thought I should do, based on my background, experience, academic strengths, and personality. But then I noticed myself being very impartial towards pursuing the major and just doing the minimum amount of work needed for the classes. I also took the minimum number of CS classes each semester because I was honestly not looking forward to them - and I didn’t particularly enjoy them when I took them.

It wasn’t the same with my Info Sci classes, for example, where I started early on projects just because they were enjoyable to do, even if they were challenging. I learned how to do certain things when they weren’t required for the class, experienced a good flow when doing the projects, actually came to class because I wanted to, had initiative when it came to group projects, made friends with people in the class who I didn’t know before taking it - I was just more involved in the class. Overall, I was more motivated to learn, and I think that’s the most important thing (maybe that’s just the ravenclaw in me, who knows).

On a smaller scale, you might be good at a certain subject in high school only to find out you’re suddenly incompetent in it and aren’t interested enough to push through it. I was a math person in high school - like I almost didn’t even have to try - but the two math classes I’ve taken so far in college were very challenging for me, and I suppose that’s a good thing because it allowed me to push my limits further and think about whether I enjoy the challenge.

Recently, I read that true happiness comes when you find problems you enjoy solving, and I think that’s a good ideology to help you choose the path you wanna take.

On Things that Spark Joy

This past year, I also found that I was a lot happier than in high school because I got to pursue the things that bring me joy, whether it’s in regard to academics as I’ve described above, extracurriculars, or things in my daily life.

I got to wake up at whatever time I wanted to and had breakfast how I liked - both in terms of food and whether I had my coffee at home or to-go, or example. I could change my physical appearance in ways that make me feel powerful and confident - in terms of clothing and hair and just how I presented myself in general. When I needed to breathe, I could walk around town or go down to the gorges. I could do my work when and where it was most convenient for me (most of the time).

With regard to extracurriculars, there were a lot of opportunities for me to try new things and continue doing the things I already love. I became a graphic designer for a cultural magazine, which allowed me to do one of my favorite things for a purpose towards which I’m happy to be working. My high school didn’t have any publications and had a seasonal need for graphic designers (mainly school events). I tried out for music groups, trained to be a DJ, watched and discussed films I wouldn’t have seen if it weren’t for Cornell Cinema, went to the concerts of bands that never come to Indonesia. I attended social events I was interested in, and skipped those that I didn’t want to go to, attended workshops, listened to guest lectures, etc. I hung out with people I enjoyed being around, instead of those with whom the only thing I had in common was physical location.

One of the things I’m still adjusting to, however, is the different dynamic of college friendships compared to high school friendships in that they’re more spread out in away - like you’d know a whole bunch of people but they don’t mutually know each other, and there isn’t really like a friend group. Maybe that’s just me. But either way, I also realized that my closest friends in high school took at least 3 or 4 years to go from merely a familiar face to people I’d call for four hours straight and send my sporadic thoughts to. So I guess I gotta be patient and have faith that with time, compatible and like-minded individuals will gravitate towards one another.

On Self-Discovery

Starting college also allowed me to be who I am and who I want to be as opposed to who people think I am and who people expect me to be. Whenever I decide to do something, I don’t have this fear of being ‘out of character’ since I haven’t entirely established who I am yet in the context of college. By doing things I've never done before, I learn things about myself that I probably could not have had I stayed in the same environment (i.e. high school).

Among other things, I noticed that if I don’t want to do something, I will deliberately sabotage myself to make it harder for me to achieve. On the other hand, if I want to succeed or do well in something, I’ll take initiative. That might seem obvious, but the thing is, I don’t always consciously know what I want or like so analyzing my own actions helps a lot. Because college exposes me to so many different material, there’s more data and information to work with, in which to recognize patterns.

A lot of the self-discovery that’s happened is personal, as it should be, but one of the things I’m really grateful for is taking that philosophy course the first semester of college. It made me reassess everything I knew and believed and decide on what values and thoughts I should keep.

I guess one thing I’d advise you to do is to experience new things and reflect on the impact of those new experiences. Sometimes it might not feel like you’ve done a ton of things after a whole year. I’ve had moments where I thought about all the things I thought I should have accomplished but didn’t, and I was like, ‘did I just waste an entire year doing nothing?’ But then I look back on the things I did do - took awesome courses, made amazing friends, got a job, learned to live on my own, etc. - and realized I gotta give myself a little more credit.

On Everything

Coming into college was a huge positive change. Something I wish I could tell myself at the beginning of the year is firstly not to fear making mistakes, so you won’t be afraid of trying new things. Keeping an open mind is great, but not entirely helpful if you don’t venture out into unknown territory to provide you with things to think about. Step out of your comfort zone and don’t be afraid to redefine yourself, but in all circumstances, don’t lose track of who you are.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much! and please don’t hesitate to drop me an ask if you have questions or comments or concerns. Have an awesome day :)

[rostfarehijikka]

The Magic Spark of Attraction and How Couples Come To Be

The question "How did you meet your life-partner?" is one I love to ask couples - especially if they've been together for a long while. Most often they light up when recounting their nostalgic reminiscence of how their companionship came to be. It is interesting to listen to various personal recollections of what particular set of circumstances led to their momentous first encounter. I find it fascinating to think about all the choices we make in life that lead us to the next significant experience, meaningful friendship or romantic relationship. If one little detail would have gone differently, then an entire family tree may have never grown into fruition.

When couples muse over their initial point convergence and courtship, it often reignites the magical spark that brought them together. They may fondly remember the strong attraction they first had for one another and the passion they felt during the time when they were falling in love. It can be one of the most magnificent phases in our entire life, as there's nothing more extraordinary than being in love. And what's even more incredible, is when someone reciprocates that emotion and adoringly loves you back just the same. It can feel overwhelmingly intense when two people fall in love, as they noticeably radiate joy and bliss whenever they're together or even thinking about one another. The trick is to keep that passion alive!

One way to stoke the internal fire and keep the burning flame of love and passion blazing is to laugh often, be considerate and respectful of one another, and to continue doing activities that you both enjoy together. Whether you love to see movies, the performing arts, walk in the park hand in hand, creative projects, cooking - whatever activities bring you closer and support your partnership, be sure to make time for them as often as possible. Keeping the energy and juices flowing is crucial in sustaining a long-lasting relationship.

The way I met my boyfriend (of almost four years now) is an incredible story that I'd love to share. One of my most favored pastimes is dancing to live music; hence my previous article about Music & Dancing is Like Sex & Romancing. After dating the drummer of a great local band for a short time, I'd occasionally go out dancing at this fun little venue where they'd often play. One time I was there on a date, however the guy I was with didn't necessarily appreciate that type of music scene as much as I did. He quietly sat on the side-line, seeming to criticize and scoff all those who were thoroughly enjoying themselves in various ways of liberal self expression. This was of course a red flag as to our level of compatibility. Needless to say, that was our last outing.

I left my date sitting there alone as I eagerly pranced onto the dance floor to 'shake my booty'. Freestyle, spontaneous flow kind of dancing is my preferred style, as I love to move to the rhythm and energy of the music - intermingling with everyone else around me. I noticed my date watching me for a while, then he walked upstairs to the restroom. My attention turned to an attractive jovial guy dancing next to me. We seemed to be tuned into the same frequency while grooving to the song side by side, exchanging smiles and friendly glances. His high energy level was deliciously infectious. When the song ended, he and I affectionately embraced - the best hug I'd ever received! It was completely impulsive, yet felt totally natural. We hadn't spoken a word to each other prior to that moment, and I didn't even talk with him at all afterward. I just smiled and walked away.

This enticing mystery man was on my mind for weeks, as there was something about his sweet smile and high vibration that felt perfectly in synch with what I'd been yearning for in a lover. However I didn't even know his name or how to possibly reconnect with him. Then I saw him again at a different venue where another one of my favorite local bands was playing. Of course I was out on the dance floor twirling and bouncing around, when we our eyes fixed upon each other in a promising new light. That night we exchanged contact info and have been inseparable ever since. Our first date was a nice long hike and discussion about who we were and what we wanted in life. Later that evening, we went out to a concert and danced the night away.

To this day, we go out to see live music and dance together at least once a week - or as he'd call it 'shake our bones'. It is what keeps us youthful and passionate for life, as well as for one another. Quite often we reenact our initial conversation, as it was rather engaging and flirtatious. He asked if he could buy me a drink and I said, "No thanks, I'd rather just share yours if you don't mind." The qualities I appreciate most about him were evident in our first interactions. He's clearly honest and genuine, transparent with every emotion and desire, and is undeniably the most zealous, fun and entertaining person I've ever known. I am truly fortunate to have found such an adoring, supportive and loving mate.

As a competitive tri-athlete, my boyfriend has such strong endurance, stamina and a seeming endless supply of energy. We both just turned 40, and I'm not as fit as I used to be. It's hard to keep up with him on the mountain trail, on the dance floor, and everywhere else. I started taking an all-natural daily supplement called Add Lib and have since noticed a tremendous increase in my overall energy. My staying power has greatly improved and I've certainly experienced a much happier disposition and internal balance.

Allura Joy has worked with women of all ages and of diverse backgrounds for many years in offering support, holistic therapy and relationship counseling, as well as sharing valuable resources and useful information in the areas of women's sexuality, health & wellness. Allura has facilitated various women's groups, retreats, conferences and special events for women to come together in community to share, connect and support one another.

Allura also works with women individually to help resolve personal issues around relationships and intimacy, specializing in helping women who may have emotional and/or physical issues and insecurities with sexual expression and experiencing orgasm. She enjoys helping clients explore their passions in finding a sense of purpose and to manifest their dreams and desires. She is a certified Hypnotherapist, Life Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, Licensed Massage Therapist and Yoga Instructor.

[thoughtsaboutmatty]

Thoughts about the Nashville show

Alright! So... The 1975 concert in Nashville on May 15th 2019 was the best 1975 concert I have ever been to. Like... ever.

First off this was my first time seeing them in two years (?!?!?) so that was refreshing but other than that wow where do I even start???

I know it’s about the whole band y’all know how I love and respect all of them but I will say right off the bat that this show was incredible much thanks to Matty’s behavior during the show, meaning that he was in a very good mood, he was obviously happy and excited and he was extremely interactive with the crowd. Rather than giving speeches that were tiring and repetitive to him he talked to us like we were his friends and he was genuinely enjoying the experience as well. He did little dances and made funny little comments and shared his thoughts, he wasn’t bored, he moved around a lot and you could definitely see the passion in his performance - the way he got on his knees and fucking screamed his lungs out during I Like America (and cried after that - he cried at least 3 times during the show I’m pretty sure), and the fucking fire in his eyes during Love It If We Made It... I don’t have words.

And the part that really got me was when he said:

“If it wasn’t for you guys I would still be doing drugs, so thank you. ...I mean it.”

Just... wow. Because his career really gets the best of him sometimes and it exhausts and overwhelms him and recently he talked about how he didn’t like singing and there’s always a part of me that thinks Matty would rather not have to do what he does, but when he said that you could tell that he meant it. He’s come so far and I’m so fucking proud of him.

Back to the concert tho. As for me, like I said, this was the best of their shows I’ve been to so far, and I think that had a lot to do with two things: 1. I wasn’t on my phone as much as usual and 2. I didn’t give a SHIT about what people thought of me - let me tell you I have never danced so fucking much in my entire fucking life than I did last night. Y’all should have SEEN me. I’m still outta breath. Like a madman I was waving the Matty dolls around constantly with all my hand movements (and I hope I didn’t give them whiplash but they told me they were enjoying it too don’t worry). I’m praying 2 god Matty saw us/them at some point because we ended up moving to the front row cuz no one was sitting there LOL. But forreal @that anon who asked me about concert etiquette (and all other concertgoers) take note of this and JUST HAVE FUN AT YOUR SHOWS. GET the fuck into it, SCREAM at the top of your lungs, DANCE your MOTHER FUCKING ASS OFF, do ALL THAT SHIT and for the love of god STAY OFF YOUR PHONE. It’s totally okay to take pictures and videos but if you want to get the most of the experience do it minimally. This is a lesson I have finally learned from last night especially. Remembering what I saw makes me smile and it makes me so fucking happy, happier and smilier than I’ve ever been watching concert footage on a phone screen. Now that I think about it I did take a lot of pictures and video but not nearly as much as I usually do and I’m working to do it even less tbh.

Things about Matty and myself aside, here are some other things I’ll say about the show:

1. Yeah so Rome’s speaking voice is shockingly deep. Much deeper than I had expected. I’m slightly afraid of him now but at the same time he is baby and I am conflicted. I love him.

2. Pale Waves was amazing per usual I love them too.

3. Y’all the RAUGHY was REAL at this show. Almost as soon as the show started Ross was talking to John and smiling and by the fourth song this happened:

And this man stayed like this for like.... 20 seconds?! At least?!?!?!? It took me a while to scramble for my phone and actually take a picture I was like “OHMYGOD STAY RIGHT THERE STAY RIGHT THERE STAYRIGHTTHERESTAYRIGHTTHERE” it was INSANE.

4. A couple got engaged during ffy so congrats to them!!!!!!

5. We ended up waiting after the show with a little group of people so we could try and meet someone from the band. John and Jamie came out because they were going out on the town or something, Ross shortly after, so we got to say hello to them but we didn’t want to bother them so we let them go. After that we waited til like 1 AM but no one else came out so we ended up leaving the group. Kinda bummed but at least I made some buddies.

6. Like I said about the Matty Dolls: we couldn’t get them to the stage bc of the whole not-being-in-the-pit dilemma. I actually ended up giving one to a little girl and the other to one of my friends in the backstage group. It’s all up to Atlanta now...

But yeah that’s about all I have to say abt the Nashville show other than this: I love The 1975. Thank y’all for reading my diary. I’ll post some pics now!!

[gr-ogu]

When you get this, you must publicly post something nice about at least 5 different people you follow, then copy and paste this in each of their ask boxes

Okay so, I got like three of these asks, and for the sake of not spamming people’s dashes I’m just gonna do one post and tag many people and put it under a read more!!!!!!!

I would like to say there are SO many people I could put on lists like these so pls don’t think I don’t care about you if you’re not here!!!!!!! I have a lot of love to give but I can’t put everyone here in one go sdjfhjdfhjd!!!

@mikewheeler @elhoppers @scooptroops @lucascsinclairs @milevenhearteyes @milliebbrowns @fatechica @ericasinclairs @robinbuckleyy @milevens @martygalwrites @serendipitousrambles @summer-in-hawkins @mikeswheeler @sadiesinkt

@mikewheeler ally is LICH RALLY the nicest and most understanding person on the planet. I can tell her ANYTHING and she has honestly been one of the kindest friends I’ve met on my time on tumblr!!!! She’s the warm hug you need after a long day and I know I could call her 25/8 and she would be there if I needed her which honestly means the WORLD. She makes everything seem better even in the worst of times, and I can never thank her enough for that. 11/10 would die for her. Also I ruin my sleeping pattern every night for her so she loves me ;) THE MOST TALENTED GIF MAKER AND ALL AROUND WONDERFUL PERSON. LOML TBH WITH YOU.

@elhoppers SARAH. MY LOVE. MY LIGHT. I feel SO lucky to have met such a bubbly, thoughtful, positive soul in person. I could talk to Sarah for HOURS about anything and everything. Truly a comrade for life and she knows what I’m thinking even if I haven’t said it, which is useful bc sometimes my Thoughts should not be shared out loud ksdhfjkdfhjdfh. We have SO much in common and she’s so fun to talk to and scream with. Always down to overshare with this gal bc we get each other on a level. TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH TBH. also her gifs KILL me she always comes in swinging, especially where our daughter el or mileven is concerned!!!!!!!

@scooptroops omg how do i even BEGIN to describe my love for mady tbh? the funniest, wittiest, sluttiest and BEST human being i’ve ever met. not only is she fiercely loyal but she’s a true Baddie who always has my back. I love Mady so much I regularly talk about my love for her to people who don’t even know her, bc that’s just How It Be. this girl has me laughing until I cry with her hilarious memes and also crying with Pain at her beautiful gifs. She makes?? The best art?? On the planet?? Truly the full package and joe keery would be LUCKY to date her (sorry @ mady’s bf skdjfhjkfhfjdgh). I know I can talk to her about anything and I love Mady so so SO MUCH. Bestie and sister-wife for LIFE

@lucascsinclairs ohhhhh the ways i could describe jazz. GORGEOUS (inside and out), the most hilarious, supportive, understanding, caring, intelligent friend. I’m so so lucky to have someone in my life who is simultaneously so level-headed she can calm me down in an instant, and also engages in THE most crackhead-headassery with me AT ALL TIMES. insert *we irritating* meme right here. love this gal to DEATH. like i would literally die for her. 10/10 memes. 10/10 face. 10/10 EVERYTHING. I ALWAYS smile when I see Jazz pop up and I would be lost without her at this point!!!!!!!! LIVE for all our long chats and rants, Jazz is honestly one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met!

@milevenhearteyes ELLIEEEEEEEEEEE. MY BABY! Even though she’s older than me but don’t mention that ;) ;) ;) hands down, one of the sweetest, most genuinely caring and understanding people I’ve ever come across. But also the most SAVAGE oh my god she will sass you to the moon and back and i am HERE FOR IT! One day Ellie and I are going to meet and it’s going to be the summer of love and we’re going to have deep chats about what an influential and strong woman she is AND ALSO ABSOLUTELY SCREAM THE LYRICS TO TANGLED. CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! EVEN IF YOU HATE SOL I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!!! ;)

@milliebbrowns what can I say? 20/10 obsessed with this insane woman since the day I met her. Literally in awe of everything she does, especially her gif making talent. ALWAYS comes in with the tea, which……. I OOP I LOVE. One of the funniest people I’ve ever spoken to and I am always here for her Vaguely Chaotic and Loving Energy!!!!!!!!! will talk to me about anything and everything and never bullies me bc she loves me too much!!!!!!!!!! ;) LOVE THAT FOR ME. also go and talk to her about joe jonas but NOT nick………………… don’t even think about it. if you do you WILL be blocked on sight, although you’re probably already blocked because? colleen just knows these things? LOVE YOUUUU

@fatechica Julie - my absolute DARLING! Not only is she an absolutely incredible writer, she is a dear friend. I am constantly blown away by her talent, drive and ambition. NOT TO MENTION WE ARE BRAIN TWINS!!!!!!!! IT’S ACTUALLY KINDA SCARY BUT I LOVE IT. SO supportive and absolutely is here for all my crackhead, meme-loving, sluttiness and honestly, how could anyone ever compare to that? Gives THE best advice and is always telling it how it is, which I appreciate more than anything. 10/10 QUEEN who i adore and i can’t wait for the joint fic we’re going to write one day ;) ;) ;)

@ericasinclairs VAL. MY ANGEL. MY STEVE-LOVING PARTNER FOR LIFE. Honestly any time Val speaks I get excited because she always has something interesting, adorable or hilarious to say. LITERALLY MY GO TO SOURCE FOR EVERYTHING ST RELATED, LIKE THAT GIRL WORKS FOR THE FBI I SWEAR! IT’S INSANE! Out here making me laugh with the best memes and wowing me with her clever and gorgeous gifsets, like for real. This girl could run the world if she wanted to. 10/10 provider of the rares too, for which I owe her my life ;) honestly val is just a genuinely hilarious, talented, kind sweetheart whomst i adore

@robinbuckleyy ANNA! MY LOVE! MY BABY! LITERALLY ADORE THIS GIRL SO SO SO MUCH. Luckily she was introduced to my joe/steve-loving ass right off the bat so she puts up with my crazy ways and just laughs because she loves me for who i am ;) THE PRETTIEST, MOST INSIGHTFUL BEAN EVER WHO WRITES THE MOST AMAZING FICS!! SERIOUSLY!! GO AND READ THEM IF YOU HAVEN’T!! I am constantly in awe of her because she is SO mature and level-headed and I can’t believe what an excellent human being she is and how much she’s going to BOSS whatever she does in the future, because I KNOW she will!!!!!!!!

@milevens kate!!! a darling!!! a babe!!!!! i have loved stranger things since it first aired but kate was my first ever true interaction with the fandom, when i read one of her mileven fics and the rest was HISTORY! an insanely creative and talented gif-maker and writer, like she out here running a blog for the DECADES. I LOVE IT! I don’t know where I would be without kate’s work, tbh. Probably sad? Mileven stan for LIFE and I fuck with that. so looking forward to getting to know her better !!!!!!!!! and also the insanely generous person i have to thank for this ICONIQUE url she gave me, like could your fave ever? 

@martygalwrites oh my god. marty is actually SUCH a legend i stan her so hard? we didn’t start speaking until recently but she’s so quickly become one of my favourite people???? writes 11/10 amazing fics, like how could anyone NOT cry at her talent? ALWAYS coming in with the hot takes and realness, and a TRUE joe hoe at her core. ALWAYS APPRECIATES MY MEMES AND VALIDATES ME BECAUSE SHE IS SUCH A KIND, LOVING PERSON. genuinely in awe of how articulate but also downright funny this woman is. literally just radiates Cool Energy like how can I be you tbh? can’t wait to come and stay at her house so we can go to a djo concert together

@serendipitousrambles oh my gosh, not only does jess write the most AMAZING FICS AND DRABBES THAT KILL ME ON THE DAILY, SHE’S SO ELOQUENT AND PATIENT AT RESPONDING TO PEOPLE?? EVEN WHEN THEY’RE RUDE TO HER?? a truly thoughtful and supportive friend, who I’m so lucky I got to meet !!!!!!!!! her obsession with ST and HP parallels mine so that when you KNOW you’ve found a good one. ALWAYS comes in swinging with her mileven analysis and headcanons, like i swear she’s just out to attack me Personally at all times??? a wonderfully funny and talented human bean

@summer-in-hawkins Kaisa!!!!!!! an actual angel!!!!!!!! her gifs are SO good like she regularly blows me away with her talent and her creativity - it’s unparalleled. Not only is she one of the sweetest people ever, she’s so genuinely calm, rational and insightful, I am in awe? she works SO hard and I always smile when I see her speaking and speak to her because she always has something fascinating to say! truly so passionate about whatever she’s doing which means she can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to; kaisa has so many qualities people should want to embody because she’s honestly a ray of light on a cloudy day!! amazing human!!!

@mikeswheeler KYY!! A QUEEN!!! ALWAYS SLAYING ME WITH HER GIFS AND MOODBOARDS TBH!!!! I don’t get to talk to her as much as I’d like, but when I DO? WOW. One of the most supportive and encouraging friends ever, 10/10 will always be there to hype me and I could not be more grateful for that. Also I love to make her lose her mind with all my crazy steve and joe tags, because the answers I get in response are absolutely HILARIOUS. just an all-round funny, helpful, lovely person who i am so lucky to know!!! like seriously!!!! brilliant human alert!!!!

@sadiesinkt ughhhhhh tuva is a BABE like no words to describe this darling of a human!!!!!!! firstly, her graphics? absolutely STELLAR like teach me your ways lend me your creativity pls!!!!! honestly i cry every time i look at them they’re so so SO good. secondly, she’s such a kind and giving person - we haven’t spoken too much but whenever we do i am struck by how thoughtful and authentic she is!!!!!! has my back and i could not be more thankful for that!!!! possessor of some ICONIQUE urls and just an overall amazing human!!!!!!!!!

[acockius]

battle scars.

@perriwiinkle said: Can you please write a roger Taylor angst???? I love your angst. Something about roger just being an ass to reader basically!!!

This is my first ever request! I reckon that Roger is only a little bit of an ass here, but the situation is beyond angsty and made me sadder than everyone’s favorite angsty roger piece that I’ve written - dancing on my own. Apologies if it’s awful! I’m always willing to try again and fill anyone’s request - so drop them in my ask box!

Roger Taylor x Reader ; 1,780 words; super angsty, physical altercation, mentions of blood

You never had a strong self esteem to begin with. No matter how many times Roger told you how beautiful you were, you never quite believed him. No one had ever spent so much time expressing their physical admiration for you. Roger was vocal; he always paid you compliments on the outfits you wore and pressed lingering kisses against your bare skin in bed during the early morning. You wished that you’d appreciated those moments a little more now that things were different.

The night everything changed, you’d found yourself at a rowdy afterparty following a Queen concert. The performance was particularly excellent, even though most of their shows were phenomenal. There were no distinct criticisms to be heard from Freddie, and that was a surefire way to identify a stellar concert. As a result, the atmosphere buzzed with excitement. There was not a person without drink in hand, laughing and smiling, yelling over the music. The room was dark and hazed with smoke but it didn’t distract a single person from having a good time.

You’d been separated from Roger if only for a few moments, him parting from you to grab another drink. One of the most self-indulgent things about when Queen played a good show was how Roger doted you around afterwards. He treated you like a prize that he’d spent the night working towards, and you were always happy to oblige and offer him your undivided attention. He’d left you alongside Deacy, who spoke politely to a group of young ladies who were trying their very best to flirt with him. It was always endearing to watch John get flustered around girls who hit on him. 

When Roger didn’t return after a few more minutes of waiting, you began to worry. The booth that you’d claimed was on the opposite side of the bar and you couldn’t even begin to try to spot him through the packed crowd. His absence didn’t sit right with you, and much to your dismay, you pat Deaky on the shoulder and leaned into him so he could hear you over the music.

“M’gonna go look for Roger. I’ll be back!” you said, giving a polite nod to the small group that stood around him as you squeezed out of the booth. 

You fought your way through the throng, your eyes scanning the bar area for your boyfriend. You hadn’t been with Roger for very long, but you were aware of the lifestyle he led before you decided to declare yourselves as a couple. After all, you were the one who’d broken up his previous relationship. The thought that he’d do the same to you some day loomed over you constantly. You kept that fear to yourself; you didn’t want to fill Roger in on all of your insecurities, with the fear some day he’d use them against you. 

When you spotted Roger at the bar, there was a girl pressed into his side, engaged in friendly conversation. She was much different than you were - a little rough around the edges perhaps. Last you remembered, she definitely wasn’t what Roger went for. From what you could tell, Roger was being the perfect gentleman. When you saw the woman reach her hand to towards Roger’s head and card her fingers through her hair, you saw red. 

Quickly pushing through the swarms of people, you walked up to Roger and pressed a bruising kiss to his lips. You weren’t the type to be so inappropriate but your jealousy was in control of your actions at the moment. 

“There you are, Rogie! Deacy and I were wondering where you’d gone.” You felt relief when you felt his hand in the small of your back. “Who’s your friend?”

You turned to the girl, who had only backed off slightly, grasping her nearly empty beer bottle in her hand. She was clearly not amused by your presence, but you smiled warmly anyway.

“Do you normally barge into people’s conversations like that? You must have poor social skills.” The woman spat and took a final swig of her beer, holding the empty bottle by the neck.

“What was that?” You asked, your voice raising an octave. “I was just kissing my boyfriend hello.” 

The girl scoffed and rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Roger Taylor, I would’ve hoped you had better taste in women...” 

“Excuse me? Go fuck yourself!” You felt Roger’s strong arms wrap around you and pull you away from the situation. 

Roger trudged far away enough from the altercation and turned you to speak to you.

“You’re very cheeky, miss. Coming up and kissing me while I’m talking to a fan.” Roger chuckled, holding your hands.

“She was playing with your hair, Rog...” You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms over your chest.

“Jealous?” Roger’s smirk was devious and he tried to hide it by taking a sip of his drink.

Your brow was knit in frustration, and you went to answer but you didn’t get the opportunity to do so. There was a sharp sting radiating from your face and you felt your vision blur. Instinctively, you raised your hands to your cheek and when you pulled them away, they were covered in blood. The next thing you knew, you were on the floor, the rest of the room spinning. 

You heard Roger yelling, but what he was saying just sound like mumbling when your brain tried to process it. You closed your eyes for a long moment before opening them again, hoping to see clearly. Blood trickled down your cheek and stained your white pants as you sat in a heap on the floor. You still weren’t registering what was causing the bleeding. 

Roger joined you on the floor of the bar after waving his arms like mad. You still had a hard time processing speech, but you gathered that he’d asked the people around you for space. You watched Roger unbutton the shirt he was wearing and peel it from his shoulders. It was white with a floral print and he often took to wearing it on special occasions or on nights where he was feeling particularly good.

“Why are you getting naked, Roger? Do I need to get naked, too?” You were slurring, hands going to your forrest green blouse before Roger’s hands could  put them to a halt. He kissed your hands, his chin staining red with blood and you grimaced in response.

Roger held the shirt taught in his hands and tore the fabric. You gasped audibly, even for the loud surrounding and frowned. 

“Why are you doing that? Roger Taylor, that’s your lucky shirt. Why are you destroying it?” Your lip quivered and tears began falling from your eyes.

“It’s just a shirt, love. I can get a new shirt.” Roger’s voice was barely audible and fairly calm given the circumstances. He kissed your hair and wadded the fabric in his hand.

He pressed the clipping of his shirt to your cheek and applied pressure, causing you to let out a hiss.

“I’m sorry, my darling.” Roger kissed your hair. “I just want to try and stop the bleeding while we wait on the ambulance to arrive.”

“Ambulance?” You asked inquisitively, but Roger never responded.

Roger pulled back the portion of his shirt to examine it, his face falling as he stared at the soaked strip. He dropped it to the floor and repeated the process, tearing another piece from the shirt. This time, he doubled up the piece before pressing it to your skin again. You winced in agony, and your vision started to blur again. Roger’s beautiful blue eyes became clouded in your vision and your hearing went quiet. 

The girl Roger’d been talking to wasn’t happy that you’d ruined the interaction she shared with her favorite rock star. She smashed the empty beer bottle against the edge of the bar after Roger had separated the two of you in attempt to avoid any altercation. The shattering of the beer bottle was muffled by the enjoyment around you; not a single person heard it. She caught you off guard, shoving the jagged edge of the broken glass bottle right into your cheek. 

The giant gash in your face bled for hours. The combination of the uneven surface of the beer bottle and the pressure and speed at which she’d used to harm, you received twenty-seven stitches right across your cheek. The emergency room doctors warned you that you’d be left with a pretty severe scar, and they were not exaggerating. You properly cared for the wound as it healed, hoping that possibly that would cause the appearance of the scar to lessen, but it didn’t.

Roger couldn’t help but feel responsible for the attack. He spent most days telling you how he wished he could’ve handled everything differently. How was he supposed to know that he’d engage in a conversation with someone who would do something like that to you? It was entirely your fault, and you knew that. You didn’t want to tell Roger how you felt about the situation, let alone much of anything following the incident. You weren’t angry with him nor did you blame him for what happened to you. You’d provoked the girl with your actions, which were intentional in the hopes of getting a rise out of her. 

You were certain that if you weren’t so insecure to begin with, that the whole exchange wouldn’t have taken place at all. Your fear that Roger was cheating sent you looking for him. Your suspicion of seeing your boyfriend with just one girl, enraptured in whatever they were speaking about, had you breaking up their conversation. Your jealousy made you greet him in such an aggressive way. Your power in the situation had you talking down to the woman he’d been speaking with. The need to defend yourself after you were insulted had Roger choosing you instead of your attacker. In turn, attack she did.

Your relationship with Roger fizzled out a few months after the attack. You accused him of staying with you only because he felt sorry for you. Nothing could convince you otherwise. He bought you fancies gifts, wrote you songs, and went to the ends of the earthy to prove to you that you were what he wanted. You told him to go find a pretty girl, and after constantly being denied, he stopped trying and did. 

A life spent with Roger thinking you weren’t good enough was better than a life without him. You constantly wondered if things would’ve been different if you would’ve believed him from the start. You were heartbroken that you’d never know. 

[prettywordsyouleft]

50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @g-exo Thank you sweetie! <3

1. What takes too much of your time?

Working and writing. 

2. What makes your day better?

Writing, k-dramas, crafting, bullet journalling, chocolate lol.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

This is going to sound odd, but we have 3 little kittens (and their mama) who we rescued from our horses’ hay shed a few weeks ago. The kittens started on solids like two days ago and one of them hadn’t pooped and was pretty full. After some assistance from me, she went and pooped. I could have cried with pure happiness. Poor thing was so uncomfortable.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

The world of Howl’s Moving Castle. To be able to use the door in Howl’s Castle to go to different realms and places would be truly magical.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I believe so. Not so good at taking the same said advice though >_<

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Generalised Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope and I’m grateful that I haven’t :/ << same.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

SHINee as a group. I was in a hard place when I got into kpop with being unable to walk. I was entirely depressed from my accident and thought I would never get anywhere again. Their music gave me an escapism that I needed at first, and then I found the confidence in myself to get back up and try again. 

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think I truly know what love is aside from familial love. I’ve not had the opportunity to fall in love. 

10. What’s your dream date?

I don’t think I have one. Something simple yet fulfilling with a person who is actually engaged in the date happenings and wanting to be in my company would be enough for me!

11. What do others notice about you?

I like to give. Everyone who has come across me - whether in passing or actually get to know me, all say that I have this ability to share with others and make their lives brighter by doing so. 

The ones who know me well complain that I don’t know when to stop and rest because I’m so focused on completing my tasks/ giving to others lol. 

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I guess the above - being too stubborn to know when I need to rest. I’m pretty bad about it. I overload myself and then get too stressed out. It’s something I’m working on!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not applicable to me.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Zero.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

6456 is the amount I have on itunes. I have various playlists that I listen to despite my mood though.

16. What instruments can you play?

None.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhhh on my phone it’s Mark Tuan. Followed by Kyungsoo and both Jung/Park Jinyoung’s.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Italian Peninsula is my top pick. Other places would be Greece, Japan, Korea and England.

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini technically.

20. Do you relate to it?

I fall on the Gemini-Cancer cusp and relate to articles I’ve read of Gemini-Cancer cusp people than pure Gemini traits. I’m definitely not an outgoing, carefree person as Gem’s are describe to be lol.

21. What is happiness to you?

My family, friends and even our pets succeeding in life. Seeing their happiness makes me feel good.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

This whole year has been a “going through” kind of year. Every time I think things are settling, another thing is thrown my way. But I’m optimistic it means I’m getting stronger with this testing period. 

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Not buying VIP tickets when B.A.P came here for their L.O.E tour. I chose Gold tickets because they had seats and as a partially disabled person through my right leg, I didn’t think I could stand for the duration of the concert. It’s something I’ve regretted for years - they were so amazing to everyone, but those in VIP were so darn lucky with all the interactions they had!  

24. What’s your favourite store?

I guess Gordon Harris, the local art store, because I am always there picking up new stationery supplies for bullet journalling. 

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

It’s a very personal choice. As a person who wants to be a mother one day, it’s an option I could never ever bring myself to do. However, it’s not my place to judge, condemn or preach at those who feel it’s their only choice at the time. 

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Kind of? In my bullet journal for the past 2 years I’ve done the whole “19/20 things to do before 2019/2020″ but I don’t have an official bucket list or anything.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Probably Verse 2 - JJ Project because I listen to it all the time. Otherwise, Good Timing - B1A4 is probably another long time favourite.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Not really sure... my birthday is hard because it’s ten days before my Dad’s death anniversary. So I just try to do something to smile each year. Maybe go out for dinner to celebrate mine and Mum’s birthday (she’s a week exactly after my birthday)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I’ve been told most people think I’m shy and awkward but once I talk, they are surprised with how engaging I can be in conversation. Which makes me laugh because generally on the inside I’m panicking as I have social anxiety issues. 

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 32 but people never seem to think it. When I was at university, I was older than everyone else as an adult student but they all thought I was around 20-21 when I was 24+ hahah. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On top of Octavia’s crate which is next to my bed. Or if I need to charge it, I leave it on my desk. I’m a very light sleeper so when my alarm goes off, it doesn’t need to be next to me to wake me up.

32. what word do you say the most?

When I’m talking - “like” (which really annoys me). When I’m writing - “but”.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I try to believe I would date anyone regardless of age. But I’ve been known to have put an age limit of no more than 8 years older when I was feebly using dating websites. I don’t actively search for someone anymore, so if they came into my world and matched me well in a natural way, then I don’t think age would deter me. 

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m a bit more carefree on this one... I think it comes from being an older kpop fan and liking on younger idols because there’s hardly any idols left that are my age/older lol. Again as above, I wouldn’t let a younger age deter me in the right setting.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Author. I’ve even done those career quizzes on multiple occasions and the first choice is always Author/Writer. 

The second choice people say is teacher. Which I was training to be until my injury. 

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop. 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m happy where I live. I’ve never thought of being able to live elsewhere.

38. What is your current favourite song?

White or Feeling - both by Jeong Sewoon. 

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it on July 2nd, 2018.

40. What are you excited for?

Uh, I’m not really excited for anything? 

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A bit of both.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Yesterday I made a new paddock up for our horses, cleaned out my guinea pig’s house, cleaned out the entire bathroom where Byul and her kittens are staying. And then last night I did Chelle Chats which was pretty busy! 

Today I’ve been pretty chill compared so far. 

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I’m not sure. I’m never good at knowing what I want. Better at knowing what to buy others.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, it was English and Biology. In university, it was Classics/Ancient History.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

6

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

Not sure. I had an image of how I hoped to be a mother, and continuing on with my art business, but with puberty rocking our house with my sister and my finances taking a nose dive, fertility treatment is long gone sadly. I’ll just think I’ll focus on the now and improve/appreciate what I have! 

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’m sure this question is related to dating but for me, when I was 14 my heart broke when my Nana died. And in 2012, when my Dad was killed was when I gained another ball in my box of grief. Last year was tough losing my dog of 15.5 years too. Got three balls in that box now :( 

As for dating, sure, I’ve hurt from limited attempts to confess and being rejected... but I’ve never had real opportunity for heartbreak like that.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Lmfao. I’ll probably be single for my whole life. Marriage is so far from the cards for me, I can’t imagine it. 

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian or Teacher.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food cos it’s 1.34pm and I’ve not eaten yet oops.

Tagging: @this-song-thats-only-for-you @mark-tuan-and-namjoon-lover @katdefbeom @listlessmaenads @tuanyiems @peachyparkjinyoung @jinyoungmoans @ahgase55g7 @itsallabigmess and anyone else who wants to do this! 

[smallerinfinities]

Gin and Juice: Part I

a/n: In which Reader has social anxiety, Shawn is a college football god, and alcohol is consumed. 

This is the first part of my first series!

I have no idea how I got here from a tallboy can of Mill Street Organic, but the mind works in mysterious ways.

|| MASTERLIST || 

warnings: alcohol, lots of it, and some non-consensual consumption

The house was practically vibrating from the inside. Music was blaring so loud you could clearly hear every word to every song. People would burst out the front door every few minutes to smoke or get some air. You stood on the porch and contemplated the reasons it would be best to leave: 1) this party was practically drowning in alcohol and you were not 21, and 2) social anxiety was a real bitch.

The only reason you were here at all was because your roommate dragged you here, then immediately ditched you outside when you got nervous about all of the people. She said it was time to “live the college experience” and “get the hell out of the dorm.” Maybe you liked your dorm. Maybe you liked feeling safe. Your college experience was supposed to be getting an education and then getting a good job so you could support yourself. This felt frivolous.

The door opened again and your roommate came out of the rave sure to be happening inside, alarm registering in her eyes. “Where have you been?! Come inside!”

“Caroline,” you whined, “I really don’t want to be here.” She grabbed your hand and started for the door to the house. You followed, dragging your feet the entire way.

“Will you stop acting like a child? I’m about to introduce you to some people so you’ll maybe make some friends and talk to someone other than your mother!” she screamed at you. You stopped in your tracks, breathing shallow and trying to control the tears threatening to fall. Caroline didn’t understand what it was like. Being at college felt like a thousand people staring at you all the time. A million sets of eyes just waiting to watch you fail. It was exhausting on a level that blowing off steam at a party wasn’t going to just fix.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean that. I just want you to get out and enjoy where we are a little.” She was backtracking, and she really did look like she cared about your well-being. You decided to just go with it. She could lead you around this party and make her introductions,  then you could go back to your dorm and crawl in bed until class on Monday. Caroline’s “college experience” be damned.

Your body slacked and let her lead you through the door. Inside, it was maybe less of a rave than a really smoky, smelly concert. Like an all-ages venue that drew in the under-18 crowd and their friends who were in bad alt-rock bands. Not quite the EDM show you thought you were hearing outside.

There were about a hundred thousand people packed into the two-story house. Caroline pulled you through the crowd, hand wrapped around your wrist like an elementary school buddy system. She jerked you around the corner, leading you both toward the kitchen, when you ran into a wet wall, jostling you out of your own world.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” the wall shouted over the music.

Not a wall. A person. A boy. A very tall boy. A very tall boy with wall-like abs that were pressed against your body. A very tall boy with wall-like abs who had spilled his beer all over your shirt.

You slowly craned your neck upward and almost fell over. This boy had the most gorgeous brown-hazel eyes you had ever seen. They were looking at you, puzzled at your apparent lack of functionality. He swivelled his head then, searching for something or someone, “HEY GEOFF!?! CAN YOU BRING ME A RAG OR SOMETHING??”

He had stepped back from you, assessing the damage, and held you at arm’s length by the shoulders. His hands wrapped seemingly all the way around your upper arms and you could feel his calloused fingertips scratching your skin through the thin cotton shirt you wore. He kept looking into your eyes, pleading with you to say something, but you just couldn’t. His face was mesmerizing—a smooth, square jaw; cherubic, alcohol-flushed cheeks; the straightest, whitest teeth you’d ever seen; and a messy head of thick brown curls, coiffed into a perfect disarray. He’d stunned you into silence and the touching wasn’t helping. He seemed to be transferring body heat through his fingertips and you were starting to sweat.

A stocky guy with long-ish hair and a serious scruff situation ambled over with a rag. Wall Abs took the rag from him and started dabbing it all over the wet pattern on your top. You blushed violently and jerked away from him.

“Oh, here. Sorry, I didn’t think...I’m really sorry...I’ll leave you alone...enjoy the party!” he handed you the rag and then vanished. It didn’t escape your notice that he had turned just as red as you had and was quickly trying to exit the situation.

You held the rag to your chest and searched for Caroline. She was staring at you from ten feet away like an alien had just tore itself out of your body. You walked over to her and snapped your fingers in her face.

“Caroline!” you shouted, “why do you look like I’ve birthed an alien?!”

“Don’t you know who that was?” she asked, totally mystified that you obviously had no idea.

“Uhm, no? A tall boy with wall-like abs?” you mused, humoring no one, especially your roommate who kept flapping her jaw up and down.

“WHO IS HE?!” you roared, getting frustrated with this weird fangirl reaction.

“He’s Shawn Mendes, the captain of the football team. He’s the starting quarterback. He’s in the running for the Heisman Trophy. AS A SOPHOMORE.” She rambled on about stats and measurements and how fast he could run a 40-yard dash for what seemed like ages. It was an impressive, though weird, body of knowledge that she had collected on a guy that seemed overwhelmingly normal, if not shy, based on the interaction you had just had with him. The football god that Caroline was blathering on and on about seemed incongruent with the tall, blushing, albeit Adonis boy that you had just run into.

She finally settled down after living vicariously through your beer shower experience by the Heir Apparent of college football. You thought maybe she had forgotten about introducing you to people but no such luck. Her mission was revived and she grabbed a hold of your wrist again, making her way through the sea of humanity and finally pulling you into the kitchen. The sheer gallons of alcohol that must have been in there made it smell like somewhere between a hospital and a gas station.

“What do you want to drink?” You stared at her with a blank expression, “uhhh, I guess whatever you’re drinking?”

She rolled her eyes and tutted, grabbing a couple of bottles of clear liquor and a carafe of cranberry juice and a can of lemon-lime soda. Stirring together equal parts of everything, Caroline handed you a fizzy pink drink that tickled your nose when you smelled it.

“I call it Bitch Juice because it tastes like non-alcoholic prom punch. Literally not a hint of alcohol,” she nodded, acting like that invalidated the actual presence of alcohol in the drink. You took a sip dubiously.

“Huh, not a hint,” you confirmed, kind of impressed and yet kind of alarmed at the chemistry of it. Armed with red plastic cups, a chainmail-like requirement on this college party battlefield, Caroline led you into the main room of the house, filled wall-to-wall with bodies.  

“CAROLINE!” someone shouted from across the room. Caroline frantically waved at them, giving your wrist a fresh jerk in their direction. Before anyone could ask you anything, you took a long pull from the cup in your hand. They called it liquid courage, right? You needed some of that right now.

Caroline introduced you to her friends and you tried to take in all of their introductions, but mostly you focused on the pink concoction in your cup and how it magically kept refilling itself. Caroline must have gone back into the kitchen three times before you realized what was happening, too wrapped up in your own awkward to realize that she had been pouring more Bitch Juice into your cup as you paid attention to engaging with the people around you, a task that had become noticeably easier as the past couple of hours had dragged on. You had even laughed a few times and put your hand on a passing shoulder. You felt free for the first time in a long time. I guess that’s why they called it intoxicating.

“How many of these have you poured for me?” you asked her, starting to feel your fingers, toes, and lips tingle, a slight slur on your tongue.

“Oh, I’m not sure,” she thought, “maybe four? Maybe more?” Your eyes threatened to pop out of your skull. “Caroline!” you shrieked, “what do you mean ‘MAYBE MORE?’”

“I mean I’m not really sure, but it seems like you’re enjoying yourself! This is a good thing!” she encouraged, linking her arm with yours, as if you’d asked her to manually let your inhibitions down for you. It was a betrayal, no matter how freeing it may have felt.

You ripped your arm away from hers and stormed off, out of the crowded room. Having no idea where you were going, you climbed the staircase to at least get out of the thick of people on the first floor.

The second floor was just a long hallway with a bunch of doors. There were a few people up here, mostly making out, and none of them paid any attention to you. You hoped and prayed one of the doors led to a bathroom. A locked door felt necessary for breathing.

The first door was a bust—surprisingly empty bedroom (didn’t people hook up at these things?). The second door revealed a study, lined with bookshelves—intriguing but not a bathroom.

That left door number three. You tried to shove it open, but it only opened to a four-inch crack before halting. The light was on, and you could see a sink, confirming it was, in fact, the bathroom, but there was still something impeding your entry. You looked down at the tile and saw a black chelsea boot flat against the floor attached to a pair of black jean-clad legs. Someone was lying on the floor of the bathroom, and judging from how hard you must have knocked into them with the door, they weren’t conscious.

Flight or flight set in immediately. The hair on the back of your neck stood straight up and you felt more sober than you did two hours ago, let alone two minutes ago. The adrenaline burned through the alcohol like a forest fire. You needed to flee.

But what if they were injured? Or sick? Or...worse? Your mind screamed that you didn’t care, but your heart was compassionate and needed to make sure the person was okay. You used all of your combined body strength to slowly push open the door, sliding the body mass across the tile and onto the rug. You gasped when you finally slipped inside the room and locked the door behind you.

It’s him.

Tall Boy with Wall-Like Abs. Captain of the Football Team. Shawn Mendes. 

And he was passed out on the tile floor alone next to an empty bottle of gin.

Had he finished the bottle himself? Was he drinking alone? —How passed out was he? Should I try to wake him up? A million questions ran through your head, none of them answered by the massive human form at your feet.

You reached out and put the back of your hand to his face. He was clammy, far colder than he should have been in a house with so many people in it. You remembered the signs of alcohol poisoning from orientation—clammy skin, inability to stay conscious, inability to walk—all of which he was clearly exhibiting.

You crouched down and patted his cheek. “Shawn, Shawn, can you hear me? You need to try to wake up. Can you hear me?!” you yelled with increasing volume, “You need to get up, Shawn, or I’m going to have to call 911.”

That seemed to make it through his gin-fueled haze. He lazily opened his eyes, looking completely disoriented, clearly not sure how he had gotten to the bathroom floor. Running his hands through his thick, chocolate curls, he finally focused his eyes on you.

“Oh, it’s you,” he whispered in awe, flashing you a blinding smile.

You probably would have fainted if he hadn’t immediately doubled over and thrown up in the bathtub.

to be continued...

Gimme your thoughts! Angsty times are ahead!

[isitstraightvodka]

2019 Goals

I was tagged by the gorgeous @alwaysjacked-up to do this, ilysm! 2018 was a year of ups and down for me but it's good to reflect on what happened and move forward into 2019 with a happy attitude!

🎶 things I got to attend:

Bruno Mars in March on his 24K Magic World Tour with Dua Lipa as the opener! It was an amazing night, both of them put on such a show and I had the best time, dancing and singing at the top of my lungs.

Niall Horan in June on his Flicker World Tour with Maren Morris as the opener! One of the best concerts I've ever been to, I hadn't seen the Irishman in the flesh for three years so it was incredible to see him up there, performing his beautiful album and having a great time.

I'll add in Dan & Phil as well, I saw them on their Interactive Introverts Tour with my best mate Liam! Those two men were hilarious and made all of us feel included, they kept me engaged the entire night, I was laughing so much and I was so happy to experience that night with someone I adore, so Liam, thank you for booking the tickets and asking me first before anybody else!

🏆 personal highs:

I reached one year of dating my girlfriend, she's been my rock, she's kept me grounded, I love her so much.

I turned 21 and felt so loved by friends and family!

I got back into writing and started posting my work this year!

My self-love is slowly but surely growing, I loved myself much more this year than I did in 2017.

Seeing Bohemian Rhapsody and joining the Queen fandom, finding people on here who love the movie, the band and the cast as much as I do! It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in my obsession for these legends and this gorgeous movie!

I grew closer to my mother more than ever, I'm so so grateful to have her, she's one of the most amazing women in the world.

I made new friends, both here on Tumblr and in real life, I put myself out there and was rewarded by meeting such sweet kind souls!

💛 in 2019, I’d like to…

Travel!

Save money; I'm a spender and I need to stop haha.

Hopefully see Harry live (if he tours this year) and see Queen on their Rhapsody Tour!

I'd love to meet some of my mutuals, I hope I can make it happen!

Get engaged to my baby girl 💍

Give myself a compliment every day and ignore all the haters/negativity!

Continue to post more of my work and make even more friends!

Take every opportunity when they come around, grab everything good when I get the chance!

I tag: @netflixbi, @foreverhlessed, @isitjamiemoriarty, @emotionally-imbruised, @winoharry, @guccifloralsuits, @ghostxmonument, @hsmuse, @joemazzelloz and @signofthebis 💖 I’m wishing you all the most wonderful 2019, life’s what you make it, make this year yours and be the best version of yourself you can possibly be, I love you all! xx

[jasondilts]

When the Time is On You...

When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.

That’s one of the 5 sutras for the Aquarian Age that Yogi Bhajan gave us, axioms for how we could live successfully in uncertain times. As exciting as it sounds to be alive during the time of a great shift, it’s also downright confusing and a bit scary. These words were given to us as a map for how to survive, but also to thrive. After all, we aren’t here to just buckle up for whatever bumpy ride someone else wants to take us on. We can and we should be writing our own destiny.

 But there’s the second season of Making a Murder on Netflix, the new iPhone we need to stand in line for 4 hours to buy, that guy on Tinder who wants to meet up, this psychedelically immersive 4-D art show to check out, and the new vegan soul food place downtown. All of that must be done first…

 Sound familiar? Your proclivities may be different from mine and perhaps you find other distractions, but most of us really aren’t living up to the full capacity of who we came here to be. That must change.

 Perhaps the greatest promise of the Aquarian Age is the notion that we are in control of what happens to us. We are the masters of our own fortune. No longer do we have to be at the effects of others nor are we held back by a lack of access to information.  We are free, if we want.

 At least that’s what my friend said it one of his rock songs. I think he’s spot on. We have to decide that we want to start living up to our potential. When we aren’t, we feel a lot of weight.

 I’ve been thinking about this particular sutra a lot lately, mostly because I feel a lot of pressure and I haven’t exactly been in “start” mode. I moved to Los Angeles 5 years ago, a driving force behind my relocation being the promise of living in a city full of creatives. I’d long wanted to write a novel, but I felt I didn’t have the experience to do so. I figured I needed to take writing classes, learn more about the craft, surround myself with fellow writers, and be close to the proximity of power players in Hollywood to be successful at writing.  Eventually, I found my way to all of that. The one thing I didn’t do though was the only action that really matters: actually START WRITING.

 I had lot of excuses…really good excuses. Exciting excuses!

 At first, I got bogged down by the office politics of my day job and decompressed with a glass or four of Merlot after work. I told myself that I’d write once things got more stable in my department. A year and a half later, I was successful in my role of being an event manager, but massively failing at being a writer—simply because I was drinking wine when I could have been writing! Or going on hikes, or going to museums, or seeing my favorite indie band at a concert, or sun bathing at the beach, or binge-watching  Scandal or whatever fill in the blank distraction I’d pursue every hour I wasn’t at working. I was having loads of fun, but something inside me was festering.

 At first there was this lingering suspicion that I should be writing instead of whatever I was doing. Then I started to wonder if I would ever write again. That created within me a gnawing thought that perhaps I would not, which soon turned into a constant worry that I would be forced to always work jobs I hated. I saw my writing talent as a golden ticket out of being a slave to the 9-to-5 life.

 While I wasn’t showing up to write, I was showing up to kundalini yoga class—5 or 6 times a week! I learned early on in my practice that the technology of kundalini yoga and meditation allow us to re-write our destiny, both how we experience the moment of the day and what we can attract on a larger scale. That first year in Los Angeles, kundalini is what anchored me into my potential. I wasn’t showing up fully yet, but each time I’d go to class I was growing in ways I didn’t totally comprehend. All that kundalini yoga eventually gave me the gall to quit my job to pursue something more in line with my passions: working at a spiritual community center.

 When I started this new adventure, I thought that my new business partner and I were going to write a book and get a TV show made. Finally, I could be creative! Then came the obstacles…

 My first day on the job all but one person on our staff quit and I realized the organization was in debt up to its ears. We were in serious jeopardy of being shut down within a few months. Suddenly I had to summon all the experience I’d garnered in the political and non-profit world to create revenue streams, organization charts, job descriptions, cash flow spreadsheets, and budget forecasts. In an 80 hour-work week, there truly was no time to write, or so I told myself. I soon figured out how to make ends meet for the business, and the team we built was rock-solid at running the place. Under the most challenging and daunting of circumstances, we were persisting with success. Yet I was angry inside—viscerally upset at myself for not figuring out how to do all that was on my plate and write. The silver lining for my desire to create was that the TV show we were working on was inching toward becoming a reality. That didn’t quite satisfy me, though, because the show would never be my creation. When you’re a writer you know that you have a responsibility to bring forward your own words to light up the world you see. You can’t find true satisfaction within the framework of someone else’s vision.

 That realization gnawed insistently, coaxing me to START, inviting me to ease the pressure. But instead I kept on not writing.

 For the next two years, I was the executive director of the organization and also ran several Airbnb rentals. I maybe wrote like 2 blog posts during that time. The rest of my words were for delicately crafted e-mails, intricately thought-through job roles, and explaining to Airbnb guests how to turn on the lights. There was a lot of forward momentum in my life and the work I was doing.

 Then it all stopped.

 The TV show didn’t get picked up, though we did get one Real Housewife away from a network season! Soon thereafter it became apparent that our organization was going to close. When we did finally shutter, this strange quiet took hold. I had other sources of income by that time that didn’t require my fulltime focus, and for the first time ever I had no excuse not to write. The time was on me and I needed to start. This Aquarian sutra apparently doesn’t know how to quit me.

 Well, 18 months later I still haven’t started. I’ve tried. I created elaborate outlines for multiple books. I even wrote entire chapters. I started on concepts, scrapped them altogether, and then began something different. But I haven’t written a novel yet, and I’m not anywhere close. I run a successful business today, but I feel like I massively suck at being self-employed because I should have used this time to write my book. On a more fundamental level, I feel like I massively suck at being alive because I’m not putting my energy toward the reality I know I need to create.

 Looking back, I can see that I actually expended a lot of energy over the past 5 years NOT working on what I knew I needed to start. All of the circumstances that arose to “prevent” me from writing were really just manifestations of self-doubt that I called in. When we don’t do what we are here to accomplish, we create something else in its place. Usually that something will hold us back as powerfully as fulfilling our mission could propel us forward.

 My creation is a massive complex of anxiety and social-phobia. For the past 18 months I’ve been crippled with nervousness, worry, and unease. The slightest obstacle becomes a mountain of distress. I still go to class all the time, I go to the gym daily, and I hike a lot, but I avoid social situations as much as possible. I have this weird phobia of interacting with people. I go out in public all the time, but I do so in this impenetrable bubble. I wear an energetic cloak that puts out this gnarly “don’t talk to me” energy. I use my iPhone as a shield of having to engage with anyone. I get out of conversation as quickly as possible. It’s a strange dystopia for someone who ran a political party and 8 years ago had ambitions to be mayor of a large city. For the longest time I wondered why I had retreated so far into my own shadow. Then during a meditation recently, it hit me right in my third-eye: I avoid being around people because I have nothing of worth to say. I’m not doing anything creative with my life and so I don’t have anything of value to bring to a connection or a conversation. That has to stop and it needs to stop by STARTING something worth talking about.

 There was a partial eclipse this past weekend that amplified any actions we took. So, I wrote. I still can’t get into writing a novel, but I got into writing this. I am really into writing about how we can successfully circumnavigate these strange times. I’m taking at least a small step toward “starting” something by putting together this simple Tumblr blog where I’ll muse about what I learn as we collectively navigate this Aquarian shift. I already made one post before writing this and the plan is to do a few a week. I’m fortunate enough to live in a city where I can easily find the teachings of kundalini yoga and where conscious community is basically mainstream. This blog is a bridge to the rest of the world, and hopefully a way for me to learn more about the energies and activities that are happening in other places as we all level-up!  

 Besides, Tumblr banned porn last month so I figured it was a good time to fill up this space with something more productive J.

 No matter where you are, stasis is our worst enemy; so too is stasis’ best friend, elliptical motion. We never really want to grow or change anything, but every now and then we’ll eke out a victory by kicking a habit or starting a new routine. In my own life I’ve noticed that overtime I get comfortable in familiarity, though, and activities that were once growth become a circle of the sameness rather than a climb to a higher level. Right now, I know that the time is on me to write. That must become my new pattern—the action of each day doing something to advance my writing. I hope the pressure is soon off!

 More than that, though, I hope these words serve you. What aren’t you starting? What pressure are you feeling? Do you think that if you stopped making excuses or creating distractions that the pressure could soon be off?

 We’re in this Aquarian shift together so let’s START acting like we’re in charge of our own destiny so we can all be there more fully for each other!

[antitheticalsymbiosis-blog]

Beginning the long journey... (Year 0, Day 1 [sorta])

As I begin down this long and arduous path, I figured why not catalog all of my progress (and failures) in a blog for the world to see! 

All memes aside, I should probably begin with an

INTRODUCTION:

I’m Manuel; my friends call me Manny. I’m a recent graduate from a bachelor of music (B.Mus) program in southern California where I was fortunate enough to meet some great friends, mentors, and professionals who helped guide and inspire me to create some awesome aural artwork. I’ve loved music for as long as I could remember, and it was always something that drove me to be my best. I’ve aspired to play many instruments from a young age and always sought perfection trying to master their intricacies. I studied both composition and saxophone performance in college, while frequently freelancing as an audio engineer (my current line of work).

But wait, isn’t this a game development blog?: Yes, yes it is.

Due to a variety of circumstances and personal interests, I’ve decided to jump ship from one extremely difficult creative field (concert/classical/experimental music) to another (game development), leaving behind a life I feel indebted to and, honestly, still love very much. I’ve been thinking of making this jump for quite some time (a year or so), with a long, loooooong history of engaging with the video game medium on a deeply-infatuated level, which ultimately backs up this decision. Throughout my life, video games always played a pivotal role in my own forms of expression, happiness, leisure, and community. From my very first Gameboy Color to the now flourishing Nintendo Switch, from Pokemon to Monster Hunter to Bioshock and more, I’ve been hooked. Honestly, I’ve always considered these worlds my second, third, fourth, and n-th homes. Because of this, I’ve felt like I have a duty to give back to the community however I can. After five years of collegiate study and ridding the struggle bus, I realize that there’s no better time than the present to chase this dream. THE NOW, or WHERE TO START:

In firmly deciding on this change, I didn’t necessarily know where to begin. Hell, I didn’t even really know what careers or roles existed in the game development community. After finding scouring the internet and finding some helpful resources, I was blown away at the sheer amount of readjusting I’d need to do to even think about entering this field. 

For example, this messy bundle of terms flooded my brain while trying to get a grasp of the industry:

Senior-level

Lead

Technical Director

Junior-level

Temp

Frequent moving

Designer

Level Design

Mechanics

Game Design Document

UX/UI

Programmer

Game Engine

Systems

Game Engines:

Unreal

Unity

Doom

Quake

C++

Python

Scripting

Engineer

Architecture

Audio

Tools

Networking

Artist

Environment Artist

Concept

3ds MAX

Maya

Autodesk

Animation

Skeletal Meshes

QA

Automated Scripting

Debug Databases

Localization

Producer

Disengaged from content creation

Overseer

Independent

Freedom to create vs automated jobs in AAA

AAA companies

Subsidiary studios

Outsourcers

Art

Animation

Publishing

Audio

First-Party Studios

Publishers

Outsourcing

Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs)

Marketing

Analysts

Free-to-Play

Microtransactions

Community

Blogging

Twitch

Streamers

Issues

Pay Disparity

Poverty

Under-appreciated

Sexism

Representation

Minorities/POC

And this list over-simplifies the complex web these roles create with each other. That being said, the last month or so has consisted of me scouring the internet for resources, deciding on what my long-term and short-term goals are, and orienting myself towards taking on Goliath.

MOVING FORWARD:

After being bombarded with this information, I decided that the best course of action for moi was to shoot for a game engineering/programming role, as I also had a brief two-year stint in astrophysics research and STEM coursework during my undergraduate degree. Another one of my passions, the STEM fields have always held a dear place in my heart and I picked up a lot of programming skills/languages in college, notably Java & Python. Intensive music study has also done wonders for the technically-oriented work I currently do, so I figured it would be fun to challenge myself with STEM-oriented work once again. So far, I hold a great, great admiration for lead game designers like Hideo Kojima and others, so design is also something I’m looking into. RESOURCES:

In doing my research, I’ve found a variety of extremely helpful resources that provided me with the insight to start this journey. I’ll post the most helpful ones below: GameDevUnchained (Podcast/Website): 

This podcast, hosted by Brandon Pham & Larry Charles (both established AAA game developers), explores the current state of affairs in the video game industry. Their conversations are filled with wit, charm, and tons of information, from wage negotiation and employment to indie development and technical direction. No topic is missed* (well, except for the exact technical aspects of being an artist, developer, or programmer). Despite this slight oversight, it’s still worth its weight in gold due to the fact that they bring in a new guest every week who touches on a specific topic. I’ve gained most of my working knowledge about the industry’s complexities from this source. [Currently on episode: 26] Game School Online (GSO): 

This revolutionary piece of pedagogy is an online game development school that is ENTIRELY FREE. Founded and ran by the hosts of GameDevUnchained, GSO’s main focus is free game development education with a focus on artwork, modeling, and technical artistry done through the Unreal 4 engine. The school is optionally supported through Patreon and provides special benefits to subscribers; however, a subscription isn’t necessary to enroll. Enrollment periods happen 4 times a year, with heavy waitlists for non-subscribers due to the need to keep class numbers down. Their educators consist of “Scholars” who teach and monitor the courses, all of whom are active AAA/Indie developers. Notable Scholars include Brandon Pham, Larry Charles, Leo Gonzales, Olaf Piesche (my mentor!), Matt Brown, Tai Chen, and many others. For subscribers, there’s the option to interact 1-on-1 with scholars, serving as lessons and mentorships to poise the budding student to enter the field. I’m currently a $40/month subscriber, which gets me a 30-minute session every month with Olaf. I’d like to stress, however, that at its current state GSO seems heavily oriented towards artists, with the art-oriented roles overshadowing the engineer/programmer roles 8-to-2. In addition, all classes are oriented towards art or design. This means Olaf & Matt are only doing 1-on-1 sessions. -_- *Oh well, better than nothing.*

The next two are both variations on the paid-online-schooling trope, but they seem alright nonetheless... 

Coursera:

Coursera is a platform that hosts specialized “certification” courses that were designed by universities around the world. These certification courses are essentially a compilation of videos, assignments, and online templates that are moderated by online staff (and presumably not monitored by the actual course instructors ever). Each certification consists of about 4-6 classes and takes anywhere from 6 months to a year to complete. Each class runs an average of 1-2 months and has about 1 assignment due every week. There is a peer-grading system which can be iffy at times, but it’s worked out well for me so far. The only downside is that these courses can be EXPENSIVE; however, there are financial aid options for those of us *ahemmeahem* that can’t afford the costs. Luckily, my cost for the first class was waived completely. I’m currently enrolled in the Game Design certification course created by Cal Arts. I’ll be updating you all on my progress every week as I work through this course. Something odd I’ve noticed is that the videos for the Intro to Game Design course are astoundingly short; I’m surprised this course costs anything at all given the kind of information I’ve received out of it so far.

Udemy:

Like its quasi-academic counterpart, Udemy hosts courses created by content creators (I’m not too sure on the qualifications these creators have...) that consists primarily of video tutorials. The beautiful thing about Udemy is that, unlike Coursera, their courses often times cost very little if you go through the right channels! This means promo codes from websites like IGN or your favorite tech reviewer, etc etc. I was fortunate enough to grab the Unreal Crash Course course for $10 through an IGN promotion last month. Also unlike Coursera, there are no assignments or grading systems in place for your work. Instead, there are often forums that host dozens and dozens of posts from current and past students of the course. This feature has felt surprisingly fresh and fun; however, not receiving a lot of direct feedback has its downsides. I’ve been slowly chugging away at this course, having finished 1/4th of it so far. I’ve also found that there tends to be much more technical work to be learned from Udemy as opposed to Coursera (in terms of game development); however, this may just be my limited scope, as I haven’t looked around too much more.

Game Engine Architecture, Third Edition by Jason Gregory 

(Naughty Dog Lead Programmer):

This book is AMAZING for the aspiring game engineer, as it’s filled to the brim with a detailed analysis of common game engine architecture as told by the lead programmer at Naughty Dog (go Uncharted/Last of Us teams!!!!). I’m currently in the second chapter of the book, but to give a brief overview of its entirety along with my own descriptions below each heading:

Introduction

“discusses the ins and outs of the industry

Tools of the Trade

“an in-depth look into programming tools”

Fundamentals of Software Engineering for Games

“development cycles and tool usage”

Parallelism and Concurrent Programming

“the title says it all”

3D Math for Games

“3D geometry and Linear Algebra, along with programming algorithms” (go STEM!)

Engine Support Systems

“a look at memory and systems”

Resources and the File System

“how to handle game assets”

The Game Loop and Real-Time Simulation

“graphics rendering loops and gameplay loops, along with dealing with time”

Human Interface Devices

“dealing with I/O”

Tools for Debugging and Development

“the title says it all”

The Rendering Engine

“rasterization and rending pipelines”

Animation Systems

“skeletal meshes and processing”

Collision and Rigid Body Dynamics

“physics systems and other collision systems” (go STEM!)

Audio

“Dealing with sound design and 3D audio” (go music!)

Introduction to Gameplay Systems

“dealing with data, game objects, and world editors”

Runtime Gameplay Foundation Systems

“dealing with all of the constituent parts and updating the game”

You mean there’s more?

“more to be learned”

As you can tell, there’s a whole lot of information to be gained by reading a textbook like this. Jason states in the Foreword that this is really meant to be used to teach a three-class series on game programming at the university level; however, I find that you’ll be able to understand a lot of this pretty well so long as you have an ample amount of programming experience (preferably with C++). That being said, it’s a perfect springboard for me and I’m so eager to continue that I sort of want to finish writing this entry already so I can get back to it! *o* It cost about $85 for a physical copy and $47 for a digital copy (Kindle).

So, that wraps up my currently used resources list! I hope it can serve as a starting point for some of your own deep-dives into the world-wide-web for resources! CONCLUSION: Thanks for sticking with me this far everyone. I know I didn’t dive into my past that much, but I hope it gives you somewhat of an idea as to who I am. In starting this journey, I’ve realized the importance of documentation and reaching out to build a community with others, so I hope that we can all interact and take this journey together, in some form. Tomorrow I’ll be delving into my current projects that I’m aiming to work on and some of my personal inspiration for taking the game development plunge, as well as discuss what I’m currently working on in terms of study/development. I hope you all have a good day, and never feel like it’s too late to start chasing your dreams again! - Manny Extra: Game of the Day - Disgaea 1 Complete on Nintendo Switch I’ve loved this game since I first played it way back in the early 2000s, so when I heard this was coming to Switch as a slightly remastered port, I couldn’t wait! The updated artwork looks great and I’m eager to get all of those extra scenarios completed! ;) GO SRPGs!

[starstrucktheoristpanda]

16 Steps to Ethical Music Promotion

The music industry is immensely competitive, and good marketing is essential for anyone looking to turn their art into a successful career. After all, artists can expect to make only about 70% of a penny per play on Apple Music, and a little more than half that on Spotify. A song with a million streams will earn you well under $10,000. Plus, touring is expensive.

As such, we’ve taken the time to create an accessible music marketing guide to help you reach as many unjustifiably angry 15-year-olds as possible.

Let’s begin!

#1. Keep it old school.

Sure, we may be living in a digital era. Streaming platforms are dominant, and CDs are useful only to anthropologists. But, there will always be music lovers who appreciate all things vintage. Plus, over the past 12 years, annual sales of vinyl records in the U.S. have surged by 15 times!

Go to record stores and advertise your band however you like—posters, stickers, buttons, etc. You can also ask an employee if they’re willing to play your latest music. I was in a record store when I first heard Australian prog outfit King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, and I’ve been a huge fan ever since!

#2. Get on social media…

Americans spend roughly 24 hours per week on the Internet. 33% of that online time is dedicated to social media. That comes out to over an hour per day of social media consumption.

So, is social media an important part of your strategy? Is Radiohead’s In Rainbows criminally overlooked because people think it’s edgy to say Kid A is their favorite album?

Twitter is a great platform to promote new music in a casual way. Check out this tweet from Car Seat Headrest, posted the day the band’s most recent album dropped:

Facebook is terrific for organizing and promoting upcoming concerts. Each month, hundreds of millions of consumers use Facebook Events to find stuff to do in their cities and neighborhoods. In fact, Facebook Local, a standalone app, is designed to direct users to nearby Events based on their locations.

And, as of August 2018, Facebook enables you to sell concert tickets directly through the platform. Before, you had to hope that someone who saw your Event would remember to search for tickets on line. No longer do you have to worry about losing that concert-goer.

#3. …and create an awesome cross-platform community.

People often generalize hashtags as spam. But, did you know that your band can use them to bring fans together and create a super fun online community?

The amazing thing about your fans is that they want to spread your music to new listeners. If you create a hashtag for the release of your newest single, EP, or album, you can rest assured that your loyal followers are going to use that hashtag as well. And each time one of your fans shares it with their social media circles, tons of people you’ve yet to reach are getting exposed to your band.

Hashtags also allow you to find the people who are talking about you online and interact with them. Every music fan fantasizes about getting the chance to have a conversation with their favorite artists. Be the artist who thanks fans for listening and answers their random questions! This does wonders for your public images.

#4. Use contests to get more people to your shows.

Music—particularly live music—is all about community. One of the best parts of seeing your favorite band live is reliving the experience with your friends immediately afterwards.

Your band can tap into the social aspect of concerts by launching a contest! When you create a Facebook Event for your upcoming show in Seattle, let your fans know how it works. Whoever invites the most new people to the Event gets a prize of your (or her) choice—a backstage pass, a free item of merch, and so on.

Running a contest like this is a fun, engaging way to get more people at your shows. Plus, you can do it for as many or as few shows as you want!

#5. Play a free show.

If there’s one thing that beats live music, it’s free live music. Of course, from an opportunity cost perspective, it’s expensive to give up a night that you could be using to make money from a regular concert. However, if you have the flexibility to occasionally play free shows in parks, town commons, and coffee houses, it can be a fantastic way to get your music out there and find new fans.

Plus, in an era when ticket vendors charge exorbitant fees for no apparent reason other than turning a profit, putting your music out for free is a surefire way to brand yourself as a cool, down-to-earth artist.

#6. Play your new stuff on a radio show.

Much like vinyl, great radio is never going to die. Maybe I’m just in denial, but I truly believe that music consumers will always find value in the local (often college) radio stations that play stuff you wouldn’t otherwise hear over the airwaves.

If there’s an awesome indie station in your hometown, or if you have a show booked in a city with such a station, reach out and try to organize an album release appearance. Ideally, they’ll have a set-up that allows you to play live in the studio. But, if you’re limited to simply spinning a few tracks and providing commentary, that’s perfectly good, too.

Either way, local radio stations offer a way for your band to generate buzz and reach a captive audience that can (most likely) get something out of your music.

#7. Go on tour with other artists.

What better way to get new listeners to hear your awesome music than to play a show for an entirely different fanbase? Opening up for a more popular band—ideally one with a sound similar to yours—guarantees that you’re reaching audiences who want to listen. One amazing set is all it takes to get hundreds, if not thousands, of Spotify users to look up your profile before the headliner comes on stage. If you can get new fans out of every show, your band will be the one looking for openers some day soon.

#8. Play at genre-specific festivals.

When you think of music festivals, the ones that come to mind are the major players: Coachella, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Governor’s Ball, and so on. While it’s no small achievement for a small indie outfit to get on the bill at one (or more) of these festivals, playing them may not generate as much buzz as you would hope. Your band may be superb, but if the majority of attendees are there to get wasted and bop to Travis Scott, they’re probably not going to pay much attention to your dream pop songs.

Alternatively, you can focus your festival energies on the festivals reserved for artists within your genre. For folk artists, there’s the Newport Folk Festival in Rhode Island. For literary types, there’s Mission Creek Festival in Iowa City, IA. For indie artists, there’s MAHA Festival in Omaha, NE.

By opting for more niche festivals, you’re playing your music for audiences that truly want to hear it. You know the attendees are there for more than the food and the booze; they’re there because they love the genre and want to discover more artists within it.

#9. Document your existence.

For whatever reason, we’re a little obsessed with the personal lives of the artists we admire. We hate to break it to you, but your most dedicated fans probably wonder what you eat for breakfast and which Netflix shows you love. A little creepy? Sure. Something you can build on? Absolutely!

You can use a blog as a platform for tons of different stuff. Provide inside looks into your songwriting process. Tell funny stories from the road. Recommend other artists that you love. Publishing content like this makes you a more likable persona and creates opportunities for people who have never heard of you to find your website while poking around Google.

If you’re not a wordsmith, vlogging is another great option. It allows you to give fans the behind-the-scenes content they want and opens the door for finding new listeners through popular video platforms like YouTube and Facebook. California surf-punk band SWMRS does this well with tour diaries:

#10. Incorporate your fans into the process.

Yes, they’re interested in weird stuff like your dietary habits and entertainment preferences. But, the connections your fans feel with your band and with your music go a lot deeper than that. Like we said under tip #3—they want to help you succeed. An email newsletter is an excellent way to incorporate them into certain processes: naming songs, creating album covers, writing liner notes, etc.

You have to give them an incentive. Maybe you reward the first 100 people who download your newest single by adding them to the newsletter. Or maybe you want to emphasize your live performances, and the newsletter recipients are the first 100 people to buy tickets to your next hometown show. Whichever way you slice it, this is a great tactic to drive downloads and ticket sales. Building your fans into the album release process is certain to keep them engaged.

#11. Make awesome music videos.

I know, I know. We may as well advise you to make good music while you’re at it. But, hear us out.

Nearly one-third of all Internet users watch videos on YouTube. Over half a billion people watch Facebook videos every day. Between the two platforms, 45% of people watch at least an hour of video content every week. More and more every day, video is the form of content people want the most.

Creating super compelling music videos is a stellar way to grab Internet users’ attention and introduce them to your music. Plus, people love to share videos with followers, friends, and family members.

The best part: you don’t need a huge budget to make a great music video. The music video for the Strokes’ “Someday,” one of the biggest hits off their debut album, is literally just the band and their friends hanging out and smoking a staggering quantity of cigarettes.

#12. Reach out to critics and music writers…

As much as people like to poke fun at music critics for being too self-serious, a lot of them exert serious influence over which artists and albums get the time of day. For example, Anthony Fantano publishes tons of album reviews on his YouTube channel, theneedledrop. Earlier this year, he eclipsed 1.5 million subscribers. The visibility an artist gets following one of Fantano’s reviews is immense.

It may not be realistic for your band to get featured on such a popular channel. Regardless, you should email bloggers and magazine writers and ask them to review your latest material. In the same vein as opening for bigger artists, getting reviewed on a reputable website will undoubtedly direct music fans to your streaming profiles. Plus, if the writers are kind enough to link to your website, those blog posts you’ve been writing will inch higher and higher up the Google search results.

#13. …or write your own freelance reviews.

Now, assuming that your efforts to take your band to the next level are rather time-consuming, you probably don’t have the time to hold down a full-time staff writer gig.

But, making the time to write occasional guest reviews for music magazines could give you some great exposure. If there’s an EP or album you feel qualified to review, reach out to the editors at music publications like Pitchfork, The Wire, HipHopDX, and XXL. Put together an author bio and mention that, when you’re not writing reviews, you’re single-handedly keeping the indie rock genre alive.

Directing music publications’ readers to your streaming profiles is the obvious benefit. Plus, working as a freelance writer enables you to develop relationships with the editors who decide what gets reviewed. This boosts your chances of getting your music reviewed and generating serious buzz around new releases.

#14. Feature your music prominently on your website.

Under tip #2, we mentioned that Facebook is now encouraging artists and businesses to sell tickets directly through their Events. This is huge because it makes it a lot easier for consumers to purchase tickets to your shows. Nobody wants to catch wind of an exciting concert and then dig around a bunch of different websites for a ticket. The underlying principle is that you want to make consumers exert minimal effort.

This principle applies to your website design. If you bury your songs under a “Music” tab, you’re forcing the people who visit your site to click at least once to find your material. That sounds like nothing, but it makes a difference. Regardless of which streaming platforms you’re on—Bandcamp, SoundCloud, Spotify—make sure to embed your newest music prominently on your homepage. This way, when someone visits your site, they don’t have to lift a finger in order to hear your music.

#15. Get interviewed.

Generally speaking, people will listen to anything that sounds good. Unfortunately, we, as a society, have a nasty habit of supporting artists who do bad things in their personal lives simply because their songs are catchy.

That being said, music listeners really love artists who make great music and demonstrate some kind of moral compass. Getting interviewed—whether it’s on camera at a festival or in print on a website—is your best chance to show people how awesome and likable you are.

Even if someone has never heard of your band before, one fantastic interview could be all it takes to convince them to give your new single a spin.

And speaking of singles…

#16. Take your time.

Justin Mares and Gabriel Weinberg are two dudes who wrote a book titled Traction: How Any Startup Can Achieve Explosive Customer Growth. Their principal argument is that most startups fail because they dedicate all their time and resources to product development, neglecting to develop their core distribution channels. These companies go to market with a shiny new product and have no mechanisms for building a customer base.

The music industry equivalent is a band that drops an album before anyone has ever heard of them. It’s understandable, of course. The creative energy is high and you’re cranking out the best material of your life—that’s awesome. But, unless you generate a healthy amount of buzz with some killer lead singles (and perhaps an EP), your debut album release is going to be a disappointment.

Keep the momentum going while you gradually release songs and let the hype build.

- Blear Benin, Moderator at Sait Medium

[joonbird]

Wings Tour Final in Seoul ♡

An extremely long, detailed account of my experience attending the Wings Tour Final in Seoul Day 1!

PRE-CONCERT: I got to the venue at around midday mainly to suss out the merch situation, (quickly realized merch wasn’t going to happen because there were queues wrapping the block, it was mind-boggling how many people were in line!) but it was a blessing in disguise, because I ended up with a tonne of super cute fansite merchandise, and I ended up meeting a lot of really great people! 

CONCERT: I was seated in Section B at the front section of the floor, near the centre stage and the left wing. I was very close to the front stage, even closer to the left wing stage, and a fairly unobstructed (but not close at all) view of the extended stage. They were very, very strict on photography during the concert (until the end). The concert kicked off with a VCR, playing some BTS highlights and also their BBMAs acceptance speech. Mic Drop: When the speech finished playing, the lights came onto the stage to reveal the guys in their Mic Drop costumes. I just about screamed my head off because I was expecting Not Today, and instead I was greeted with the beautiful sight of my Seven Guys in their Mic Drop outfits (and no bucket hats!) They were on fire, Mic Drop choreography is insane live. I was blown away by the energy, and the attitude, and then they did the dance break from Mama and their body rolls were rude and wonderful all at once.

Medley: This medley was the peak of my non-stop screaming because quite honestly, it was sensory overload. They started with We Are Bulletproof Pt. 1 & 2 and that in itself was a shock to my system, because I never, ever thought I would get to see those songs being performed live. They were having so much fun with the medley, and then they started taking turns going down the left and right wings. When the members were on the left side, they were SO CLOSE and it was a shock. I don’t really remember much about the music, or the stage, or anything (sigh) because my attention was solely on the member standing right there in front of me. (I’ll go into more detail at the end of this post re: My Reactions to their visuals bc... i need a separate paragraph for that lmao.) They then did Cypher pt. 1, 2, 3 and 4, and I swear to you my soul left my body. The Cypher series, ESPECIALLY part 3, has always been a dream and tonight that dream was realized. The best part was that Namjoon was standing right in front of me in the left wing while rapping his verse of Cypher Pt 3. He is an unbelievable rapper, charismatic and fierce and intense all at once. Also Yoongi’s verse in Cypher pt. 3 (the crazy fast one) was iNSANE live and I feel highly blessed to have witnessed that irl. He is ridiculously talented. Cypher pt. 4 (on the extended stage) they got us to stand up, and Hoseok owned it - he became Jay Dope and the energy in the crowd was great, we were all cheering and Yoongi threw water into the crowd!

Begin & Lie: Jungkook blew me away with Begin. His vocals were so stable, that if you were listening to him with your eyes closed, you would not have been able to guess just how hard he was dancing. Also, he is an unbelievable performer - he was surrounded by backup dancers and my eyes were drawn to him. He has a really intense way to staring at the audience, and he connects with the music and the crowd so well. Jimin performed Lie on the extended stage so I didn’t get the full effect, but even so, watching it mainly from the screen was incredible. His face when he dances to Lie is so beautiful, and he dances with his entire soul, seriously. The stadium was spectacular too, the Army bombs are synced to the beat of the song/specific colours, and the entire dome was slowly pulsing a dark crimson red and it was like something out of a film. 

First Love: First Love gets it’s own paragraph because out of all the performances tonight, the most memorable one for me personally, was First Love. I can’t even explain Yoongi... he just rapped with so much intensity, and passion, and he just has It. It’s everything- the delivery, the way he stares into the audience, the nuances of his face expressions... he is a performer who makes you feel things. I could not keep my eyes off of him, I cried, and at the end he got really emotional too (which just made me cry harder). 

So Far Away, Lost, Save Me, I Need U: So after First Love, was Seokjin singing ‘So far away’, and it felt like the entire dome was shaking from how loud everyone was screaming. They arranged it so well, the four vocal line members were standing on the extended stage, no choreo, just singing- and it never felt like one was overpowering the other, instead, they all blended together so beautifully? It was really moving. I felt so lucky to be able to watch them perform that song live. After that, was Lost, Save Me, I Need U which are all classic, so enjoyable, and they were dressed in these blue grey silk shirts... some of which were low V neck cuts and I seriously nutted off the face of the earth, they looked so good.

Reflection: I loved every second of Reflection. When I’ve watched fancams of Reflection from other concerts, I’ve gotten emotional because I (personally) sensed Namjoon performing it with a melancholic tone. Tonight though, I don’t know, he just seemed happy? He was smiling a lot, and during the instrumental bit he said, “I believe.” And he looked up and smiled, and said, (something along the lines of) “I believe we are all whales. We are alone, but we are swimming together,” in English. And he was smiling and swaying and then he asked a question, I can’t remember what, but it was a question he wanted us to say ‘yes’ to. Buuuut, because he spoke in English, the audience just chanted back “Kim Namjoon” and Namjoon laughed. It was really cute. He looked really happy, and he was wearing a sparkly black blazer and looked like a Visual Masterpiece.

Stigma: Stigma was another performance that blew my socks off. Taehyung hit every single note, and the tone of his voice in real life is so soulful. He was in his element, he was staring into the audience with this piercing gaze... he was basically eyefucking us and it was incredible. His facial expressions are NO JOKE. He kept smirking, and then staring, and then licking his lips and the entire dome was hooked. Every time he did a certain face expression you could hear people going “ohhhhh”. He absolutely knows how to perform, he’s mesmerizing. And at the end, he ad-libbed a few high notes in Stigma and his voice sounded amazing.

Mama & Awake: Mama was the one song I was the most excited to see prior to the concert! It exceeded all my expectations. Hoseok was in the best mood, he was beaming from ear to ear and being really playful - making love hearts and dancing with a huge grin. It was so heartwarming. He was born to perform, when he’s up there doing his thing EVERYONE is in love, seriously. He is such a good dancer, he engages with the crowd so well... and the end of Mama with the gospel-esque choir and Hoseok singing had my body shivering! He is an INCREDIBLE singer (a true Vocalist) and at the end he gave us the world’s biggest smile and my heart melted in to the floor. Awake was immediately after, and hello, I love Seokjin. I will fight everyone who doubts his vocal ability because his voice was so strong and stable tonight, and those high notes had my soul ascending. He sang with so much emotion, and his voice just filled the arena so beautifully and it never felt strained, it was effortless. I teared up, and the entire dome went quiet and after her finished, they clapped. It was a really beautiful moment.

DNA & Go Go: Before DNA, they played a VCR they recorded (speaking of? how do they have the TIME i can’t deal with them) and the crowd started to go nuts. When we heard Jungkook’s whistle, and the beat kicked in, the roar from Army was deafening. The fanchants were insane, the loudest fanchants of the night, and the guys were loving it. It felt like they were vibing off of us, and they were smiling and enjoying DNA so much. Go Go was so much fun! They were having a good time, and being so so so cute with the aegyo. 

Medley 2: The medley started off with N.O., No More Dream, Boy in Love and Danger. They did the same thing as before, all taking turns to go to the two wings of the stage. I feel like I have no clear memories of the medleys, because I wasn’t paying attention to the screen at all when the members were right there ahhhh. I remember Jimin was in front of us and he did the body rolls from No More Dream (I was yodeling), and Jungkook was with us during either Danger or Boy In Luv and he stayed for ages, interacting with us and dancing around. The second half of the medley they returned to the extended stage, for Fire. They started from the 3:33 dance break and it was fucking crazy. These fireworks popped out of nowhere and they just BROKE into that dance and my eyes fell out of my head. Their dancing was so sharp and so strong (especially Jimin holy mole). After Fire they told us all to stand up, and they started to sing Run. It was an orchestra version, so kind of upbeat, and they were running around and EVERYONE was dancing/jumping up and down. It was the most energetic the crowd was all night, the boys seemed so happy, and then at the climax of the song these gold streamers popped over us on ground floor and it was so beautiful I can’t.

BST, You Never Walk Alone & Best of Me: Blood Sweat & Tears was one of my favourite performances of the night. The dance was AMAZING, they gave it their all and seeing them do that choreography irl was so memorable. Afterwards they said it was their last song, and Army were chanting for about 5 minutes straight refusing to accept that reality... and of course, they came out in these truck things. On my side, I had Taehyung, Hoseok and Seokjin. (from memory). We were waving at them, and they were SO BEAUTIFUL, because they all came out wearing Wings tour merch. When I saw Tae in the beret my jaw dropped and I whipped my head around to look at the screen to see NAMJOON IN THE BERET and I distinctly remember screaming out “THANK YOU” lmfao. YNWA was so cute, and then they did Best of Me which was SO ADORABLE. They were so happy, bouncing around in their trucks with their selfie sticks waving to us and singing. 

Ment 1: (I can’t remember in between the ments because there were so many, but this is a vague memory of ment 1) Jimin said he missed us a lot, Seokjin did his heart event (punching through a sheet of white paper to reveal a red love heart), and Jimin said he really loves performing Best of Me :) Seokjin wanted to mess around with the army bombs and do a wave of colour, and then Yoongi made us all clap ‘once’. Jimin asked us to sing the melody of Best of Me and we couldn’t (it sounded so bad) and they kind of went “oh..” and everyone laughed. It was really nice, and intimate almost, they were mucking around and having fun and I was the softest bitch in the room. They also all went around talking about this year, and thanking us for the success of LY:Her. Then they said that this was going to be their last song for the night.

Road/Path & Born Singer: I can’t explain to you my reaction when I realized they were singing Road/Path. I was facing the extended stage, and I turned to see on the screen, their faces next to different clips of their debut/early era selves. It was so, so emotional. People around me (and me) were crying, seeing for example, Jungkook now singing next to debut Jungkook. (Also, unrelated, but because I was at the front of the section right by the massive screen, I could see every detail of the member’s faces it was kinda intense... e.g. I could see the texture of their skin and the fact that Yoongi had a tiny lil pimple). After Road/Path, they stood in a circle and Jungkook sang “I’m a born singer” and the entire stadium exploded. I was in shock, and I started to cry because WHAT THE HECKIN HELL! It was the same as in the original performance, them in a circle on a rotating platform. I can’t even explain the feeling. They sang/rapped with so much emotion, and behind them was a sea of glittering army bombs. It was really beautiful. The lyrics of Born Singer are so intense and you could hear it in their voices. I was an emotional wreck and it was at that moment I told myself that I will support these guys til my old age, they deserve the world. They’re so talented and humble and they put their 100% into their music, you could feel it in that performance and I think everyone was crying.

Ment 2 & Spring Day: Namjoon was crying, and they all went in turns to say their final words. This time, it was really emotional (as opposed to all the others during the night were they were joking around, teasing us, etc). most of them were crying/teary, and so grateful. They kept thanking us. The most emotional one for me (aside from Namjoon) was Jungkook. He was speaking in this really thick, quiet voice, like he was on the verge of tears, and he told us that he wants to perform well for us, and that tonight he felt like he hadn’t done that. He said his condition wasn’t good and Army all cheered, “it’s okay” (idk how to translate the korean word exactly? but kind of yeah, ‘you did okay/it’s okay’), and Jungkook teared up and said, “Thank you, I love you”. They then performed Spring Day, which was so beautiful live, and they disappeared. A video played on the screen of them writing letters, and a lot of Army left because they thought it was over (fools!!! hehe), because after the video we looked up to see them in those hot air balloons!

ENDING: OKAY SO!!!! Because of where I was sitting, the Hot Air Balloon above me would dip inwards like close to the ground and then back up, if that makes sense (basically I was really close to the balloons). Everyone stood up and was taking photos, and I spotted Namjoon in his beret and I kid you not I dropped my army bomb, my phone, everything, and grabbed my slogan. I had this huge slogan, white fabric with black Korean letters that said “WE LOVE KIM NAMJOON” and I held it up. I didn’t mention this earlier but my section seemed to be full of Yoongi/Jimin/JK stans and every time Namjoon was around there weren’t THAT many cheers for him, also everyone had their phones out, but i was like WAVING my giant slogan from side to side. Namjoon spotted it and I let go of it with one hand and pointed at him like saying “you, you, you” and he smiled and pointed BACK and did the ‘you you you’ and I did a thumbs up (lmfao I didn’t know what else to do) and he laUGHED (and then turned around) but i seriously think my ass was trembling the entire time. They got off the balloons and spent time going to both wings again to say individual goodbyes. Hobi came around and I did a big heart on my head with my arms and wiggled from side to side and he did a head heart back and wiggled I FUCKING SCREAMED, it was a fleeting moment but iconic nonetheless. Namjoon came to the left wing second to last, and I held up the slogan again and yelled “NAMJOON THANK YOU” (in Korean) and no one else was yelling and he saw me and HE POINTED AT ME and I pOINTED BACK AND HE SMILED AGAIN AND THE GIRL NEXT TO ME GRABBED MY ARM AND WENT “AHHHH”....... anyway after this, they all went back to the centre stage. As the big screens were closing they were being cute, Jin asked us to give him flying hand kisses, etc etc, and doing individual dances (Yoongi did a break dance thing) and saying “Bye” until the very last moment.

MEMBERS VISUALS/MY IMPRESSIONS Jungkook: He is so, so handsome. SO HANDSOME. His face is so chiselled irl ugh he’s grown up so much I can’t deal. He has a really nice body and the thighs are NO JOKE. He’s such a good dancer and he exudes so much confidence on stage, he’s so attractive it hurts me Taehyung: I am convinced that he is one of the most devastatingly beautiful people in the entire world. He’s very sharp and intense and beautiful, honestly. His features are unreal - his eyes!!! And at the end he was wearing the beret and his eyebrows and smile had me so weak. Jimin: Also so, so handsome. He has a really nice facial structure, a really nice jaw. And he’s beautiful in a soft, almost delicate way. On stage (after Namjoon because im biased af) I found him the most captivating to watch. Also I know everyone rags on him about his height but he really didn’t seem that way to me! Hoseok: Okay Hoseok is a visual masterpiece? Photos do not do him justice, he was the nicest facial structure and such a handsome face. He’s softer in real life too, and so, so charming. His smile is ridiculous, and when he has that intense stare........ no one is safe Yoongi: Also a visual masterpiece? He has a smaller frame but the way he moves his body is so attractive. He has a really pretty face too. he just has this charisma about him, he’s undoubtedly the sexiest person alive. Seokjin: My jaw dropped when I saw him. He is IT. The best looking man alive, no joke. Like fucking hell, I honestly gasped. His body is f*cked, his shoulders, his torso, his legs, and his FACE. HIS FUCKING FACE. his hair was styled so well and they put him in a lot of plunging shirts, fuck. He wasn’t as fanservicey at the start of tonight as the others and I found it so attractive, he was just STARING at the audience ahhhhh. And during one of the medleys while he was on my side of the stage in the wings, he picked up a bottle of water, drank it, and tossed it over his shoulder with an idgaf expression on his face. It was the hottest thing I’ve seen lmfao Namjoon: I have No Words to describe him.... other than.... truly........ the Visual to end all Visuals. He’s SO ATTRACTIVE. SO. SO. ATTRACTIVE. He has SO MUCH stage presence and he smiles and has these lil face expressions all the time that you don’t usually see in videos, but holy mole. Whenever he was on stage I was staring straight at him. He’s tall, and he has a really nice body, and his FACE!!!! He has a really dainty face and he’s honestly 128293898210x better looking in person which i didn’t even know was possible. HIS SMILE, THE DIMPLES, EVERYTHING, wowowowow

OK SO (wtf this is so long I commend you if you are still reading this), in conclusion, this was an emotional, amazing concert and I am at a loss still! They are all INCREDIBLE performers, and you can really tell that they love what they do. I will never get over this! i feel blessed and lucky. and i love these guys so much.