#or even WORSE inviting their boyfriend to every single thing we do INCLUDING girls night

[oh-katsuki]

not be a cunt but…. personally I really dislike people who make boys and boyfriends their entire personality. like I’m so sorry that I don’t want to constantly talk about subpar mediocre men and that I don’t respond enthusiastically to your 800th snapchat of your boyfriend. i am tired and stressed and the last thing on my mind is romance, let alone yours. like I am here if you need a shoulder or to celebrate but if you’re gonna send me a 6th consecutive Snapchat of your boyfriend asleep in bed then I will be forced to fucking kill you.

[alicedopey]

The Wallflower

Gorgeous moodboard made by the talented @naaladareia Thanks babe !

Fandom: Vikings

Pairing: Hvitserk x Plus-size reader

Genre: Modern AU, Drama, Angst, Romance

Words: 1742

Warnings: Angst, some self-depreciation (barely)

Summary: The only thing you wish for is to dance...

A/N: Here is my contribution to @youbloodymadgenius​ 1k Celebration. I’ll let you find out which famous line I picked up, it would spoil the plot. This might turn into a multipart series, depends if you like this one or not.

Your boss was a flirt. Well, one of them was, to be exact. When every employee of the food company you were working for had learnt that two young Danish men had bought the firm from your very American boss, brows were raised. What would they make of it?

Two years later, it turned out they had drastically changed it and made it one of the most famous brands of Danish food in the United States. Those different brothers seemed to complete each other and formed an effective duet.

Ivar was very professional, blunt, harsh sometimes but his mind was swirling with ideas and he knew how to deal with all the competitors his company could cross path with.

Hvitserk was…quite the opposite. He was the cook so he was very creative and more easy-going, funny, smiling and very friendly. Sometimes, he was even too friendly; you reminded yourself as you heard a fit of giggles coming from your other female colleagues on the other side of the room where Hvitserk was probably telling one of his silly stories or praising the women with endless compliments.

It would be a lie to pretend that he was not very charming but contrary to most of your colleagues, you did not take the praises coming out of his mouth very seriously. It was just in his nature to flirt with every girl he met and that also included an older and heavier woman like you. In your mind, Hvitserk could not date a woman like you but rather a perfect looking woman who would shine next to him. It was perfectly fine. Your curves were not everyone’s cup of tea but you did not mind because they were yours and you loved them – well, more like learned to love them.

“So…what did you decide to do for your reunion this weekend?”

Your brows furrowed at your closest colleague’s question and your eyes looked away from Hvitserk. “What do you mean? I already told you I was going.”

“Not that.” Lisa scoffed. “Did you find someone to go with?”

“I did not look for anybody. I’m going alone.”

“You can’t do that.” She replied in a categorical tone. “This would be highly humiliating.”

Lisa was known for being overdramatic over many things so you were not surprised she was reacting this way.

“I was single at the time, you know.” You tried to reason patiently with her. “So, it won’t be a surprise for them if that still is the case fifteen years later.”

Her eyes widened. “You are kidding, right?” She exclaimed a little bit too loud for your liking. “You have to…okay, you know what? I will help you find someone. In fact, I think my brother is free this weekend. I can ask him, he wouldn’t mind.”

“No, thank you.” You had already met the man. He was nice and handsome but not very discreet, just like his sister. “Besides, I don’t like the blind date thing.”

Lisa leaned forwards and whispered, “Pay someone then…” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Right. Paying for a man to play your date, way to boost your ego. You knew Lisa meant well but the more she kept suggesting things, the more humiliated you felt. “No.”

She looked at you as if you were too stubborn for your own good. “You know, having a date means you would be able to dance…”

You sighed. She clearly knew which weak spot to strike on. “Lisa…”

“Good morning, ladies!”

The two of you startled at Hvitserk’s voice. “What’s the topic today?”

“Convincing Y/N to bring a date to her high school reunion.” Lisa answered without thinking. She instantly mouthed an “I’m sorry” as Hvitserk looked at you questioningly.

Thankfully, he did not have the time to make any comment as Ivar entered the room. Every employee ran back to work and even Hvitserk left hurriedly to join his brother, which brought a smile to your lips.

                                               ¤    ¤

The rest of the week went in a blur. After her little mishap, Lisa did not insist on the date issue and Hvitserk did not mention anything either. He probably did not care or even remember it for that matter. So, that Friday night, you got dressed with a nice dark blue dress, high heels, called for an Uber and arrived at your high school, ready to have a good time.

The moment you entered the enormous gymnasium of your old high school when the party was taking place, you were brought back to the past. Some of your friends instantly greeted you and you were all so happy to see each other again and share some memories that none of you really lost too much time thinking about your current marital status or your professional situation.

There was a huge buffet to enjoy, the music was a nice reflecting of the past parties you had attended. Everyone enjoyed themselves on the dance floor, especially you.

Dancing was a real joy and a great opportunity to express yourself. When you were dancing, you forgot everything and everyone around you to just focus on the music and how it made you feel free and finally yourself.

Then, slow-dancing time came. This was the moment when you had to get out of the picture and go back to your usual spot, against a pillar or a wall.

Being curvy had its flaws when you were a teenager. You could not say you had suffered from bullying because you had a strong personality and was not afraid to fight back when you needed to. No. The worse part was during the parties. No boy would invite you to dance, even amongst your friends. It looked like friendship had its limits. You thought things could change with time since teenage years were always considered as the hardest ones when you did not fit in completely. You were clearly wrong. You were an adult now and no men wanted to dance with the fat girl. Nothing had changed and nothing would.

You watched the couples on the dance floor with a sting in your chest. It was probably time for you to go home instead of brooding like you usually did.

“Care to dance?” Your eyes turned away from the dancing couples to meet those of the owner’s voice. Your jaw opened slightly when you saw Hvitserk Ragnarsson standing in front of you dressed in a dark suit, his middle length hair tied in a loose bun.

“Come on.” He extended his hand. “Nobody puts baby in a corner.”

You smiled and put your hand in his. Hvitserk led you to the dance floor. He pulled your curvaceous body against his hard one, his hand on the small of your back and the two of you gently swayed to the music. This was completely new to you, it felt so nice. Tears were welling up in your eyes so you closed them for a few seconds. When you opened them back, the green eyes of your boss were looking at you with gentleness and concern.

You smiled. “Why are you here, Mister Ragnarsson?”

“Hvitserk.” He replied. “Why don’t we enjoy the night, first? I promise I will answer all of your questions afterwards.”

You nodded. Hvitserk winked at you.

                                              ¤   ¤

The two of you did enjoy your night. After sharing a few dances, Hvitserk met your friends. He introduced himself as your boyfriend which led you to choke on your drink. Nonetheless, you did not correct him, secretly enjoying the fact that some of your friends were watching you with some obvious jealousy. It was a nice change for once.

At the end of the night, Hvitserk offered to drive you home and you accepted. The ride was silent, awfully silent but you did not wish to break this silence. You felt almost afraid to ask him why he was here because you did not want to discover this was out of pity.

Almost too soon, he parked in front of your little house and turned off the engine. You knew there was no other chance to escape explanation time.

“You did not have to do it, you know.” You finally said, your eyed fixed on the windshield. “As I said to Lisa, I don’t mind going alone. I certainly do not need…”

“Pity?”

This made you look at him. “Exactly.”

“I don’t do the pity thing, I only do what I want to do. And I can assure you I wanted to be with you tonight…I just wish you would have asked me.”

You felt a little bit comforted at his words but choose not to read too much into them. “Thank you, then. I had a great night.”

“I did too. Would do it again whenever you want to.”

Once again, you chose to ignore any deeper meaning behind his words and simply smiled at him. He smiled back.

“So…can I get a good night kiss?”

You burst out laughing at this. Now, that was more like Hvitserk. You chuckled, leaned in and kissed his cheek. His facial hair tickled your lips. Then you realized what you had just done, meaning pecking your boss on the cheek and abruptly straightened up. Heat was creeping up your neck and ears. Hvitserk was looking at you with a playful twinkle in his eyes.

“I did not know you had watched Dirty Dancing.” You blurted out to embarrass him. He chuckled though.

“I never did. I heard it from one of the ladies at the office. Guess I spend too much time in marketing.”

He winked and you felt yourself blushing again although this time, you smiled at him.

“Good night, Hvitserk.”

“Good night, Y/N.”

You got out of the car, walked to your front door, opened it then closed it behind you without even looking back at him once. You did not wish to show him he had charmed you even more, particularly because you were convinced he was not interested in you at all.

But Hvitserk’s eyes never left your body, enjoying its every curve until you had disappeared behind your closed door. Then he started his car and left, a satisfied smile lingering on his lips.

Tagging (please tell me if you want to be added or removed): @naaladareia​ @tephi101​ @gearhead66​ @therealcalicali​ @ivarswickedqueen​ @akamaiden​ @peaceisadirtyword​ @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie​ @mblaqgi​ @captstefanbrandt​

[sapphiics]

All I wanna get is(just a little more closer)

a/n: I listened to Nights by Frank Ocean for a good two and a half hours straight writing this.

dt: @ellesgreenaway india you are the sole reason i finished this I really needed the encouragement thank you so much babes

word count: 1.7k

content warning: none! it’s barely angsty and includes a happy ending

———

“You didn’t have to walk me home.”

 “I mean I’m pretty sure you were invited to at least three different after parties.” JJ continues, turning towards Elle. The two of them were walking home from the last football game of the season. Their last one ever, senior year finally upon them.

“Parties that I’m not even remotely interested, seeing as how you’re not gonna be there.” Elle’s hair tossing over her shoulder as she looks at JJ. Her silky brown hair, curly and damp after tonight’s game.They’re natural, sitting just below Elle’s shoulders, framing her face perfectly. JJ’s always liked the curls.

Truth be told, JJ’s liked just about everything concerning Elle Greenaway, since the day she looked out her bedroom window to see a U-Haul truck parked outside, a young girl moving boxes into the house across the street in November of junior year. It didn’t help that Elle happened to be a star soccer player at her old school, and their similar interests meant JJ and her had 5 classes together. Or that she wore the same vanilla perfume single day, a scent JJ couldn’t get out of her head.

But it was when Elle really started being close with her, the two of them practically joined at the hip, that JJ’s innocent infatuation turned deeper. When they started going to practice together, getting lunch, meeting up outside of school. Sleepovers in JJ’s bed, their legs intertwined under the heavy quilt she uses as a comforter. She can still remember the first night the two of them shared the same bed, facing each other with their hands folded under their heads. The following morning brings the brutal news to JJ’s heart, that she has the biggest crush on her best friend. A crush that’s only intensified as the months go by, to the point where JJ finds herself both wanting to be around Elle constantly, and wishing the brunette was far away from her as to prevent further heartbreak. But Elle was irresistible, and JJ couldn’t avoid her even if she wanted to. So she shoved it down, deep down into her stomach, convincing herself that she and Elle could be friends. Just friends.

Only ever friends.

The ever so prominent fact that Elle still thought JJ was dating somebody only made matters worse. 

She wasn’t wrong to think so, considering up until three days ago, JJ had been in a steady relationship with Will Lamontagne. The charming country boy, Will came to their school just a couple months before Elle did, and him and JJ hit it off like nobody else. He was sweet, unassuming, and treated her with nothing but respect. From the moment he met her parents, Mr & Mrs. Jareau have been daydreaming over their future wedding. Everybody expected them to make it, the one couple from high school to go the distance, stick it out to the inevitable end. Half the town’s got bets on them getting married right after graduation.

But Will wasn’t clueless, and JJ had never been the best at hiding her emotions. After all, there was a reason they worked so well together for so long. He may not be her great love, but he knew her and her feelings, a fact that kept JJ with him for almost a year. Despite how much he loved her, and he did love her, Will knew it wasn’t reciprocated, and JJ was never going to break his heart. Nothing surprised her more than to see him at her doorstep that Tuesday afternoon, a medium-sized cardboard box in his hands.

Her volleyball sweatshirt hanging over the edge, a picture of the two of them at homecoming sticking out of the box. The overwhelming sorrow she could feel radiating from him as he broke up with her already made her feel awful, but it was the sincerity in his voice when he told her to be with who truly makes her happy that broke her. A pointed look ,silently telling her that he knows, brings tears to her eyes and forces her arms to wrap tightly around his neck. Twisting her hands in his shirt and breathing in the smell of aftershave and pine that always came Will, JJ loved him more in that moment than she ever could remember in the 8 months they’ve been dating. 

Which brings her back to the present, where she finds Elle looking at her strangely, a nervous yet curious look on her face. Which unnerves JJ, considering Elle isn’t nervous about anything. She’s always been the more confident, teetering on brash, one of the pair. “I found out something interesting today,” Elle starts, “Apparently somebody broke up with their long term boyfriend this week and neglected to tell me.” Her mildly accusing tone caused JJ to stop and turn fully towards Elle. “I figured it wasn’t important,” she shrugs, “ I wasn’t heartbroken and we had a busy week to focus on anyway.”

“You guys dated for nine months, this is practically a divorce.” Elle laments, looping her arm through JJ’s and leaning into the blonde, “Obviously you’re feeling something about this, and I want to be there for you.” Her voice turns soft at the end, and JJ finally meets Elle’s eyes, the care and love in her face shining.

The love JJ can see Elle has for her is almost stifling, stealing her breath and making her heart ache. What she would give to have that love mirror hers, for Elle to want the same things JJ’s wanted for the past year. The two of them stare into each other’s eyes, stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and JJ can smell the strong scent of Elle’s trademark icebreakers. She could've sworn Elle glanced down at her lips when her tongue poked out and swiped against them, glossing over the cracks caused by the impending winter. Whatever was happening between them ended almost as soon as it began, a fleeting moment that passed far too quickly for JJ’s taste.

“So don’t bottle it up and tell me next time,” Elle says, giving JJ an exaggerated eye roll, following up with a large grin across her face as she starts to pick up speed. JJ lags behind her, not ready to go home just yet. They still reach her house in no time, and JJ finds herself desperate for more time with her, just the two of them in their own little bubble separate from the world. She gradually slows as they approach her walkway, JJ hoping she doesn’t have to say anything, that Elle will just know what she wants.

“You wanna go to the park?” Elle suddenly says ,the words ones that JJ desperately wanted to hear. She nods feverishly, her cheeks heating up as Elle slides her hand down her arm, grasping JJ’s. The pair walk in relative silence, Elle’s soft hands fitting perfectly into her own, their shoulders pressed together as they march towards the tiny playground in their cul-de-sac. It’s only when they’re sitting side by side at the top of the slide when Elle finally spits out what JJ can tell she’s been waiting to say all evening.

“ Why are you so okay about this?” At JJ’s surprised face Elle backtracks, “ I mean if you dated for so long and you loved each other then how are you so okay about it? It took me a good month to get over my last girlfriend, and we weren’t half as serious as you and Will.” 

JJ sighs, the words on the tip of her tongue since the breakup really settled in, “ I guess I just wanted something more, I mean Will is a great guy, but I want to feel more than just complacent in a relationship, you know?” JJ lets out a small huff at the end, her breath clouding up in front of her. “ I felt so guilty about it, but I never,” she pauses, an odd sense of vulnerability she’s scared to give in to settling inside of her, “ I never yearned for Will. I mean, he was there and he made me happy, but I would be completely okay without him.”

“I just want someone I can’t live without, someone who I want to be with always.” Finally letting out what she’s been thinking this entire week, she’s surprised to see Elle sitting closer, her hands in both of JJ’s.

“You want passion.”

Elle turns her entire body towards JJ, keeping their hands intact as she stares into the blonde’s eyes.

“You want someone who can’t be replaced.” JJ can’t look away, even as she feels Elle’s hands slide up her arm. Her breath starts coming quicker, and she can feel her hair getting pushed back by Elle’s slender fingers as they get impossibly closer.

“You deserve to be completely in love with whoever you’re with JJ. You deserve the best.” Elle sliding her hand closer to the back of JJ’s head, their noses grazing each other. “You think so?” JJ’s voice a small whisper she slides her fingers towards Elle’s waist, her heart near beating out of her chest. The insecure part of her brain convincing her that this was a dream, one of the many she’s had about her best friend.

But then Elle leans in that last inch, cradling JJ’s head in her hand, and there was no doubt in her brain that this was real. Cause Elle’s lips were just as soft as they looked, and they moved against JJ’s in a gentle yet all-consuming way that wiped away everything from her mind except this moment. JJ could taste the fruitiness of Elle’s raspberry gum, and the peach slushie they shared during halftime was still faint in her mouth. It’s like everything she was missing out on, all the emptiness she felt when with Will, was getting filled to the brim by Elle and her kisses, overwhelming JJ in the most addictive way.

When they finally separate, small pants the only sound they can hear as their foreheads touch, something akin to fear strikes through JJ. The knowledge that nothing is ever going to be the same between them hitting her like a freight train.

“ I do,” followed by a chaste peck, “ Of course I do.” And Elle’s grinning at her, trailing her long fingers through JJ’s hair, easing every single worry she could possibly have.

taglist: @greenaway-lewis @scandinavian-punk @ssajelle @morcias @suburban--gothic @jemilyology @rosesblueviolets @willlemonheadsupremacy

[colehence]

Polyninja HC. Did you ever ask yourself how they all became a thing?

Some explanations first:

1. I hc that (before the pilots) Wu found Cole first, then Zane and a few month later Jay. I really can’t remember if there was something like that mentioned but I don’t care (pff, canon, why should we reduce our imagination to canon only? ^^)

2. I ignore Jaya for this. Sorry ^^

So, here we go:

When Cole and Zane met, there weren’t any words needed. They lived and trained together, there were gentle touches and words and tiny intimate moments from the very beginning.

Cole mentioned how much he loves cake and the very next day Zane skipped sleeping and made him the best chocolate cake Cole had ever eaten. Cole on the other hand noticed, that Zane loved listening to calm and relaxing music so he searched for the best songs, modified and recorded them new and gave them to Zane. 

They often cuddled together. They weren’t really together but it was all very calm and nice between them. There was no need to label themselves as a couple or anything. But when Jay joined the group he thought they are a couple. He felt really uncomfortable. Not because of them being gay, but he felt like an intruder.

That was the point when it all went down. Cole and Zane didn’t want Jay to feel uncomfortable around them and so they stopped being affectionate with each other. But they suffered a lot from this situation and somehow they had a lot of arguments. Zane was a bit left behind while Jay and Cole became friends.

When Kai joined the team it got worse (you know, they were really mean to Zane in s1). Cole felt his heart break every time he was mean to him but he couldn’t help and nevertheless continued with this stupid behavior.

After Zane learned the truth about himself and found his true potential, Cole couldn’t help but apologize for his stupidity. Zane was still shocked from all the things he had learned and needed his friend so much, that he forgave him everything. They became a real couple this time.

Jay felt so incredibly bad since he finally understand that they broke up (or something like that) because of him. And now he noticed, that he wanted to be the one Cole was that affectionate and kind with. He even thought about leaving the team after Zane and Cole now were together.

Cole convinced him to stay and their friendship grew. Since Jay suffered a lot from nightmares and Cole was there to comfort him, if necessary the whole night, they had a very special bond with each other.

Kai on the other hand didn’t notice anything and started to flirt with Cole whenever he could. At first it was just a joke but he was really impressed that Cole reciprocated his flirty allures and soon they made out in the bathroom (I’m heavily inspired by one of @neko-rina s beautiful lava pictures! https://neko-rina.tumblr.com/post/187472070898/do-not-use-trace-edit-repost-sell-render).

Too bad, that Zane walked in. But he simply said: “Kai, you could at least have had the decency to ask me to join in if you were approaching my boyfriend.”

That was the moment Kai realized Zane and Cole were a thing. He started apologizing. But Zane and Cole simply laughed. Cole kissed Kai on the cheek and said: “Nah, it’s alright dude. We already talked about this. It’s fine if it’s you.”

Kai was shocked and got angry because he thought they are pulling a prank on him. But no, they were serious and about a week later he started to flirt with both of them. Of course it soon became more than only flirting between the three of them.

Jay on the other hand was really confused about this situation and got really angry about it. But instead of telling the others, he just went quieter and quieter. Cole tried to talk to him, but since he didn’t know what exactly was wrong, he couldn’t do anything.

Jay met a lot with Nya at that time and the others thought he had a crush on her. But they were just friends. Nevertheless at least it was Nya who helped Jay to sort out his feelings for the other boys and the reason why he got so angry about the current situation. He realized, that he wanted to be a part of their relationship and that was the point when he found his true potential.

But still he didn’t find the courage to tell the others about his feelings and they on the other hand didn’t include Jay in their flirts since they thought he was straight and interested in Nya.

Nya was a smart girl and knew that the boys were too stupid to find a simple solution on their own. So she teased Kai a bit. She made a bet with him: He had to steal a kiss from Jay or otherwise he had to do her chores for a whole month. If he won, she would do his chores for a month.

Kai tried his usual offensive tactic and flirted with Jay but he failed badly and Jay was angry at him. Kai lost the bet. But, how Nya expected, Jay started talking to Cole and Zane again. They had a few nights out and were eating at restaurants, went to a funfair and finally, at the top of the Ferris wheel Jay told them that he felt like a fifth wheel in the team and that he just wanted to have what they had.

Of course Cole didn’t get the hint and still thought Jay was talking about Nya. But Zane smiled and took Jays hand. He didn’t say a single word, but the way he looked at him made Jay all flustered. He understood, that Zane gave him an invitation but didn’t want to pressure him.

It took a whole week until Jay gathered enough courage to join in the playful banter between the other three boys and, with a bit help from Zane, they began to include Jay.

It took a while and everyone was careful around Jay but in the end they realized, that Jay really wanted to be a part of their chaotic (but lovely) relationship and so they grew together.

And if you want to know where Lloyd fits in: Nya took care of him the most time and after the boys finally sorted out how they felt for each other, they became great brothers/dads for the little boy.

That’s all ^^

[danetobelieve]

Game Night || Ariana, Rio, Todd and Winston

When: before the morgue scream, late september :) Who: @letsbenditlikebennett, @itsyaboytodd, @3starsquinn & @danetobelieve Where: Winston & Rio’s house. Summary: who doesn’t love a family game night? Warnings: n/a  

Winston pulled the door of their place open. It’s hinges creaking slightly in the nighttime. It had been a nightmare recently and they were always one who would try and take the advice that they would give to their friends and they were sure that they would suggest that their friends keep busy. But all they could think about was how they hadn’t been able to change what had happened to Roland and to Orion and to Blanche. A forced smile cracked across their face that definitely didn’t quite reach their eyes. “Hey, I’m so glad you’re here, come in come in, it’s starting to get cold again and you should come into the warmth for sure.” 

Todd didn’t usually read the news, but it had been hard to ignore all the stuff about the police guy who’d died in the fire at the funeral home. It had blown up all over Facebook and the town’s online noticeboard and he couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Winston during all of this. That dude had been their boss-- and like, Winston really loved his job. It wasn’t like a shift manager at Friction had quit or anything like that. That guy had died.... That was some legit awful stuff. Which is why he had a case of Natty’s under one arm, his backpack full of games, and his favorite bucket hat on his head. He was gonna make this game night the best they’d had! “Haha, thanks, dude!” He said as he walked inside. Was he a little cold? Yeah. But, shorts and a bro tank were his go-to look and he wasn’t about to let the fall weather come and ruin that for him. “I got us beers! And, I’ve got a whole bunch of games in my bag-- brought my poker set, Cards against Humanity, and,” Todd reached into the pocket of his cargo shorts and tossed the yellow sack excitedly in the air. “Bananagrams!” 

Going to game night with her friends was the right thing to do. It was what Celeste and Winn would have wanted her to do, but still, Ariana felt as if she was just sort of floating by. Every day, things seemed to be getting darker and darker, including the sky. The way the trees seemed to blow the opposite direction of the wind and how the light seemed to flicker as she walked by painted a surreal picture that mirrored what she was feeling inside. Part of her wanted to return to the comfort of the fluffy blanket she had on her couch and snuggle up to Luna, but she had to move forward. Keep taking the right steps until things started to feel right. Plus, it had been entirely too long since she’d hung out with Winston and Todd and she wasn’t quick to forget she nearly lost Rio and Blanche, too. She’d brought an array of snacks with her since she didn’t have any games besides Dreamsnatcher and she couldn’t buy alcohol. She’d mustered enough energy to make some salsa and guacamole to go with the chips she brought. She didn’t bother knocking as she had a key to let herself in. As she twisted the knob, she took in a deep breath and put on the most convincing smile she could. “Hey guys,” she called out as she entered the house, “I brought snacks!” 

It hadn’t been the best couple of weeks. Orion had felt just about tapped out, between the fire and the police officer dying and then Winn so shortly after. For the first time since Rio had left his family’s house, he had actually started to feel that familiar sense of hopelessness he had been so overcome with the last few years. Things had changed. Things had been getting better. Why was it now that things were going so terribly wrong? Just when Rio was starting to feel useful, like he finally had a purpose to help people. Turned out, after Roland and Winn, he had only reinforced the fact that he had been useless after all. But Winston hadn’t been the same since the fire either. Something was wrong, and Rio didn’t know how to fix that either. But maybe tonight could be a start, if they could just find some semblance of normalcy. With Winston’s friend Todd coming and Rio and Ariana finally talking again maybe the four of them could find a way to make things okay again. Even if it was only for a single night. It was a start. So despite how sore his body was, and the healing burn on his hands and neck, Rio plastered a smile onto his face, and jumped up from the couch when he heard them arrive. He scooted into the room where Winston was inviting them in and waved from the end of the hall, “Hey! Thanks for coming!” He couldn’t tell if it sounded genuine or like he was trying too hard, but hoped it was the former, “I really needed this after the fire.”  

Todd was always a bright spot in Winston’s life. He seemed to exude vibrance, innocence and happiness. Exactly what Winston needed right now. The truth was of course that as Ariana came in behind him, they could tell that she was struggling just as much as they were. There was something about the fact that her eyes didn’t quite hold the smile that her face did. There was a slowness and forcedness to her reactions. She didn’t seem truly happy but then again who was nowadays? But Winston hadn’t forgotten having to abandon Todd when they were meant to be going to that concert, this was their way of making it up to their friend. “Duuuude!” Winston grinned and hoped it looked genuine, “thanks for bringing the Nattys! Can’t wait to get going on this, everyone come in come in, Rio obviously knows Ari, and so do you Todd, but Rio this is my friend Todd and Todd this is my boyfriend Orion but we all just call him Rio.” Winston held their smile until their back was turned to everyone as they shut the door to their lounge and had a brief moment of respite from the forced looks of elation. “Does anyone want a cold drink, I can put the beers in the freezer so they get cold faster.” Wasn’t Todd cold in a tank top? Winston was already wearing one of their favourite hoodies and they were considering turning the heating up. 

“Oh hell yeah, Meg--Ariana!” Todd said with a grin as the girl mentioned snacks. He fucking loved chips and guac. Letting Winston take the beers from him, Todd held out his arms, offering Megan-- Ariana, a respectful side-hug if she wanted it. Just cuz he was a hugger didn’t mean that he was just gonna bear hug her, that wasn’t cool. “How ya been? When Winston told me that you’d be here, I was super hype.” Turning around, Todd looked at the young man who was walking up to him, looking a little hesitant. Ah, nah, that wouldn’t do! This was game night! “Duuuude! Rio! Nice to meet ya, Winston’s told me lots about you!” He said, arms still spread out wide as he offered a big hug. He wasn’t super sure what was going on, but he got the idea that this game night was a long time coming. And he just wanted everyone to have a good time.

There was no denying that she wasn’t the only one here feeling worse for wear, but Ariana couldn’t help but smile at Todd’s enthusiasm. He really did have such an energetic way about him that would normally be more contagious. It was funny, she’d almost forgotten he met her as Megan. With a small laugh, she joked, “Sorry for the name confusion there. One might say I was having a bit of an identity crisis.” She accepted Todd’s hug and felt a little bit better after the fact. Somehow, this was already working a bit and taking her mind off everything. The Natty would probably help even more, but for now, she grabbed some bowls from the kitchen and set up the chips and dips. “I won’t lie to you, I’ve been better, but I’m happy to be here with you guys. I had a lot of fun when Winston brought me to that party you played a few weeks ago,” she answered with her most convincing smile, “How have you been? Still seeing that cougar?” She hated that word, but she lit up a bit when Rio was introduced. “I legit forget his full name is Orion sometimes, but Rio is the best.” 

Tonight was going to be nice. It had to be, for all of their sakes. Well maybe not Todd, he seemed to be doing fine actually. That was pretty refreshing, meeting someone so genuinely happy. Todd was obviously an affectionate person, trying to welcome Orion with open arms, literally. Rio accepted the hug, albeit a little more apprehensive than Todd was. His friendliness was contagious, making Rio want to smile despite the situation. That was what the night was for though, right? “It’s nice to meet you too! I’ve uh- heard a lot about you as well. And I guess in a way Winston and I have you to thank for us getting together. It sorta started at some club we went to to see you.” Would either of them ever have made a move if they hadn’t gotten drunk in that club? It was hard to tell. Rio glanced curiously over at Ariana when she mentioned an identity crisis. Rio had no idea what that meant, but he supposed the two hadn’t talked much until Rio had gone to the hospital. He felt a little out of the loop. “Ha. Well, it’s actually sorta weird now when people actually call me Orion. I feel like my parents are the only ones that do it.” Rio shrugged and scratched at the burn on his neck nervously. “But uh- Feel free to drink however much you want tonight! You can sleep here if you need or I can drive you home after.” 

Keeping busy was the name of the game. Whether it was with work or with friends or with personal projects. Winston didn’t have time to think about everything that had been going on recently if they kept themselves busy. “You can crash in the spare room or on one of the sofas if you’d prefer dude,” Winston agreed from the kitchen as they sorted snacks into bowls, slid very drinks into fridges and made themselves their own drink. Swallowing half of it in one go, Winston winced. Alcohol didn't’ even really numb anything all that much. But it was harder to think about how fucked up things were at the moment. Looking over to Todd, Winston couldn’t help but smile. How the guy managed to stay so positive throughout was kind of beyond them. “You’ve yet to tell us that much about this girl you are dating,” Winston chimed in their back still turned to the group. They hoped that the emotion hadn’t completely left their voice. They had just been telling people that they were tired but they weren’t sure if anyone actually believed it. 

Hugging Megan-Ariana first, then Rio, Todd couldn’t help how overwhelmingly happy he was to be hanging with one of his best buds, his best bud’s boyfriend, and a really dope chick. He hadn’t had a fun game night with the boys-- well, boy, non-binary bro, and a girl-- in a long time and he was hyped for it. “Haha, it’s all good, dude. And hey, no worries. That’s what game night’s for! How are we feeling on games?” He asked as he began to pull out the decks of cards from his bag and set the poker chip set on the table. Looking over at Rio, he grinned, “Oh, you guys came to the club? That’s so dope! Haha, I’m glad that you guys were able to like, connect and stuff! Friction is good for that.” He said with a nod, the innuendo of what he’d said going over his head. Grabbing a Natty, he popped the top and took a long drink before shrugging. “I’m not the kinda guy to kiss and tell,” He laughed and shook his head. He wanted to tell them all about Lydia, how he just… couldn’t get her out of his head. How all his music seemed to be about her. But, now didn’t feel like the right time for him to go all mushy with how much he liked her. “Besides! We’re here to have a good time, not hear about my relationship stuff.”

How Todd maintained his level of unbridled enthusiasm was a mystery to Ariana. Had life just been more kind to him? Was it because he wasn’t caught up in all the supernatural drama of the town? Had death not quite touched him like it had the rest of them? If it had, she certainly couldn’t see it. Tragedy struck her too young to be familiar in the ways of blind optimism, but she always persevered, right? She found little moments worth pushing forward for, like these. It was evident in Winston’s voice that things were taking a toll on them, too. As she prepared the last of the snacks she brought, she placed a comforting hand on their shoulder and gave Winston a meaningful look before following them out into the living room with snacks in tow. It was hard not to laugh along with Todd. He was sure secretive about this older woman he was seeing, which made her a bit weary, but she chalked it up to her own bleak outlook at this moment. With a coy grin, she threw in, “I mean, hearing about your dating life sounds fun to me, but fine, don’t tell us the juicy details. I’m not living vicariously through you.” Maybe she wasn’t, but that thought made her head spin. She didn’t like to think about how she felt about Ace. None of that mattered if she let Lydia kill him and thinking about it only made her sad, so she shook it away and asked, “So what are we starting with first? I’ve only really done board games with y’all, so I’m really game for anything.” 

“I have no idea what you all are talking about, but I’m totally not going to pry into your dating life.” Orion shrugged, trying to feign the same light and airiness that Todd carried himself around with. Though the two weren’t close, and had only just met Rio realized that everyone needed a friend like Todd to keep this optimistic even in the worst of times. Rio just hoped for Todd’s sake that he never had to figure out how difficult things could get here in White Crest. But for the sake of tonight, Rio could try to forget it. Or if nothing else at least ignore it. “Some of us are trying to make good first impressions.” Rio grinned, hoping that by taking Todd’s side he won some points. Though it didn’t seem like it took much for Todd to make friends with someone. He seemed like a pretty personable guy. It was the same attitude that Adam held at times, though Rio was starting to figure out that there was more beneath that surface. “If we play video games, Winston is sure to stomp us all. Not that I’m complaining.” Wait… did that sound suggestive? He coughed into his arm and cleared his throat, trying to change things around, “But uh- we have cards. And board games. And can do anything that doesn’t involve me making a decision. Wow I’m thirsty. I mean parched. I mean… I’m gonna grab water now.”

“Todd is dating a mystery older woman,” they explained to Rio, “but he likes to keep things secret to build tension… apparently.” Winston had to admit that they found it a little strange that they hadn’t heard more about Todd’s girl, but they weren’t one to pry into their friend’s private business, as long as Todd was happy then so was Winston. Especially when he was apparently managing to continue to live a relatively normal life without the interference of any supernatural parties. Something that Winston kind of envied him for. Yet it was very weird that Todd wasn’t telling them more. Normally he liked to show off those that he was dating. Apparently not anymore, but then again maybe this was different. Sharing a brief look with Ariana, Winston felt their stomach flip. They weren’t sure if it was worse that they were having emotions or feeling numb all the time. When they had an overwhelming sense of loss they wanted to feel numb and when they felt numb they didn’t want to feel anything. Swallowing away the lump in their throat, Winston sighed gently. “Whenever you’re ready dude,” Winston assured him quietly, “you know that we all just want to get to know her but … you can’t rush these things.” It had taken Winston a while to admit the same things with Rio. Besides, every relationship was different. “We could start with something like cards against maybe?” Winston wasn’t sure that they really wanted to play anything, but it was games night and they had to make the effort, how were things going to go back to … well whatever normal had been before all of this? 

As he was razzed by the others, Todd couldn’t help but grin sheepishly. It was nice to know that they cared about him-- not that he doubted Winston! He knew that work came first and people had to prioritize their stuff! But, it was still nice, feeling wanted like this. It was the way Lydia made him feel. Man, he wished that he could tell them about her. But, now just wasn’t the time. Maybe he’d have a party! Where he could invite his friends and have them meet Lydia, and he could tell them about how he’d met the lead singer of Ace of Cups. At Rio’s words, he offered a wink, “I like you, dude. I mean, I knew I’d like you given everything Winston’s told me about you, but you’re a good one. Keep this one around, bud!” He said, clapping a hand on Winston’s shoulder and giving him a teasing shake. “I just don’t wanna freak her out! She’s like… super high class and like, half the time we go on dates, I’m just like “wow, she’s so outta my league.”” He said and shrugged. When Winston suggested cards, he nodded. “Sounds good to me! Poker’s fun, but we can also do other games too! Blackjack, BS, I’m up for whatever!”

If Todd preferred to keep his love life a mystery, Ariana could try to understand. Still, something left her feeling uncertain, but she chalked it up to how shit everything had been lately. She hadn’t meant to become this cynical person and she straightened up realizing that Celeste would never have wanted this for her. With a brighter smile that still felt forced, she commented, “Well, whoever this classy mystery woman is, she’s lucky to have you. You’re super fucking cool.” It was hard not to be endeared by Rio’s ever consistent spazzy tendencies. One day, she hoped he felt more sure of himself, but around he seemed to be getting more comfortable with her personally. She’d just have to help take over decision making for him which was hardly difficult. “I don’t know how to play poker, but I do love Cards Against Humanity. There’s no numbers in that one which like, thank god,” she responded dramatically. Her and math were never going to be friends and that was fine by her. “What’s the ridiculous rule for who goes first again?” 

“Don’t make me blush, it happens way too easily!” Orion cried out, but he was laughing as he shied away from Todd’s approval. It was weird, meeting one of Winston’s friends as their boyfriend instead of just being Rio. The two had been part of a connected group of friends, where most of them knew each other before Winston and Rio ever started dating. It was no longer telling the people that he was already friendly with that he and Winston were seeing each other now, but actually meeting someone new while being a couple. It was a small enough difference that it should have been completely inconsequential, however it still sparked excitement in Rio. “I agree. She sounds pretty cool, but you’re definitely a catch.” He had to admit that the two did sound like a semi odd pairing, but Rio didn’t know enough about Todd or this mystery woman to judge either way. As long as the two were happy, Rio didn’t see the problem. “Yay. A game full of sexual innuendos that I totally understand” Rio grinned sarcastically and resigned himself to his fate. He was going to be lobster red from blushing the entire night. At Ariana’s question, Rio groaned hating that he was the one that remembered the rules to this game, “It’s uh- Well I’m pretty sure the official rules say that it was the last one to like… go to the bathroom… number two style.”

Winston swallowed a mouthful of their drink. Why did everything taste kind of shitty now? Everything felt kind of shitty too. Winston felt like their throat always stuck together whenever they swallowed anything like there was a weird lump in it or something. “I guess we’ll all just have to wait in suspense to see what’s she’s like, something to look forward to … right bud?” Winston swallowed, were they convincing enough? Probably not. They were having a good time right? “Even if you don’t understand them Ri now is the time for you to learn right?” Winston chuckled, the sound was hollow and Winston did what they could to ignore that. “I did a number two this morning but I haven’t really had a chance to eat today soooo…. Anyway, anyone been more … regular then me?” 

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Unbreak my heart (2/2) G.D.

Summary: One fight the night before their wedding ends in tragedy when Y/N steps into oncoming traffic and is hit by a speeding car. She survives, leaving her with a rather big gap in her memory that includes the entire time she’s spent with Grayson. While he’s hoping her memories come back, Y/N isn’t quite as keen on being with a man she sees as a stranger while she struggles to reconnect her past with her present.

Based on the movie The Vow

Warnings: blood, ANGST, talk of death, infertility, fluff, sexual references, swearing, alcohol consumption, STDs and PCOS

Word count: 9220

Part one

Waking on the couch is always a disorienting feat for Grayson, but to wake up wrapped in her scent without her to keep him steady, that was worse. Immediately, Grayson felt something didn’t feel right. He knew it deep within, as if his soul had felt her go before his mind caught up. It wasn’t hard missing a yellow post-it on the remote, her handwriting recognizable.

I need time to think things through. Please don’t look for me. – Y/N

Shaking, Grayson ran to her room with blurry vision, tears robbing him of his perfect sight as he looked through her wardrobe only to find nothing was left behind. And then he stopped and smiled – nothing was left behind – not the engagement ring she still wears even though he told her she can take it off if it makes her uncomfortable and not his hoodie she favored above all. She still took pieces of him with her and while it hurt she left at all, Grayson smiled because knowing she needed him wherever she went was such a beautiful heartache that he couldn’t help himself.

And she did need time. She needed time to rediscover herself, her past, present and future. She wanted to graduate college, to mend her relationships and place herself on the path she had wanted in life. Unfortunately for Grayson, that meant she’d only see him in the gym during rehabilitation and they’d have a cup of tea after her session. He got to see her three times a week for two hours. Every time he saw her she looked healthier, happier, and more alive.

However, he knew why – it wasn’t hard to guess.

“You’re seeing Archer again, aren’t you?” He didn’t mean to accuse her nor start a fight, but he felt it in his bones. She wasn’t glowing because she was back in college, but because she was back on her ex-boyfriend.

Y/N swallowed thickly, her eyes meeting his because even if she wanted to hide what was really happening, she couldn’t do it. She had to keep an honest relationship with Grayson.

“No. But I won’t lie and say that’s not a possibility. Archer and I have a history and I need to know what went wrong.” She didn’t even try to hide it, but her tone was different – low, wavering, filled with doubt. She wasn’t keen on speaking about Archer with Grayson, mostly because she wasn’t sure she should be digging around her past with a man she was still dating in her timeline. She just couldn’t shake that feeling that there is something there that she should know and if anything, Y/N was as stubborn as they come.

But she missed Grayson, terribly so. If she could understand that, she’d be the happiest person in the world. She felt herself ache for him, his smile and his touch and those comforting words he’d whisper in her ear when she got frustrated over forgetting something. He was always so patient, so sweet and it didn’t take long for her to catch feelings. But those feelings confused her too – she didn’t know what she was to Grayson. After all, in his eyes, he’d see the woman she was and Y/N felt like an imposter. The version of her that Grayson loves is three years ahead of her in experiences she might never acquire…those experiences shaped her mind, her views and her personality – she’s the one he loves, not this confused, lost little girl who doesn’t know who to turn to.

“Why don’t you come to my parent’s house tomorrow night? I’d like you to meet them without doctors around and we could…talk?” He nodded, smiling.

Accepting that invitation would turn out to be Grayson’s worst mistake.

**

Y/N never liked doctors, hospitals made her nervous and the smell of disinfectant made her nauseous. However, regular checkups after the accident were a must and while she wasn’t quite excited about them, she knew they were a necessary evil.

“It’s been four months since it happened. I thought I’d have my memories back by now.” She complained, chiefly because she wanted to remember Grayson. She hoped it would help her move on from him and stop him from being a new what-if in her life. It had become abundantly clear to her that she will never be the woman he fell in love with originally and she knew it would be a matter of time until he does too. She couldn’t wait for him to leave her first, so she did it herself, yet she still gravitates toward him.

Putting his notes aside, the doctor took a seat beside her, his eyes slightly narrowed at her as if he’s studying her, reading her mind.

“Do you want to regain your memory?” Her doctor raised an eyebrow, wondering if perhaps her memory loss has something to do with psychology.

“Yes.” She was aware her response wasn’t quite affirmative, mostly because she had so many possible scenarios in her head that she was concerned one of the bad ones would come to life.

“Because some patients fear that when their memory comes back, so will the memory of the trauma, but mercifully that's rarely the case.” The doctor informed, but Y/N’s concern wasn’t about the accident itself, rather what happened before it.

“Oh, no, that's not it. I'm... I'm... I'm not afraid of the accident.” She stumbled over her words, fidgeting nervously with Grayson’s engagement ring. For some reason, every time she took it off it just felt wrong. It felt like a body part missing kind of wrong and it brought her sorrow. She couldn’t part with the ring. That ring was a perfect outlet for her anxiety, both comforting and strangely familiar. It had represented her current self and her former self – the ring being given to her by Grayson and the ring’s design being exactly what she dreamed of.

“So, what are you afraid of?”

“I guess I just...I don't know. It's...I mean, what if I don't like the life that I had? Or what if I like it too much and I can’t have it again?” Twirling the ring, Y/N kept her eyes on her hands, unable to look the doctor in the eye again. Her mind is tormented with possibilities, but her heart is torn between two men, each holding a candle to a different life. “You can still decide you want a different life, but if you don't at least open yourself up to remembering, I'm afraid you're gonna live in fear of your own past and you could miss a lot of beautiful things as well.”

**

Y/N still couldn’t get used to sleeping in her old room, the pink of her walls driving her insane just as much as the memory of Grayson and how he’d always come in and wish her sweet dreams before he went to bed. She couldn’t wrap her mind around how her life with him must have been, nor how it came crashing down for him when she woke up.

It didn’t hurt her and her world didn’t turn upside down like his did – she can’t hurt over something she doesn’t remember, but she knew it must be hell for him. It’s why she brought her diaries with her when she left. She didn’t read a single page of the books she hid with her old diaries in the vent of her room, but she felt at ease knowing she could come back to it if she wished.

For now, she was trying not to use cheat sheets and figure everything out on her own.

At times, she could swear there were bits and pieces of her memories coming back to her. For instance, when she was taking a walk with Grayson and he flashed her a smile and the sun hit him just right, she saw a flash of the same smile under the same sun, somewhere in the desert. The memory gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling, but she didn’t see anything but the desert and his smile. It was barely a memory. However, when she would walk in the street at night and the headlights blinded her, she got a different feeling – overwhelming sadness followed by absolute horror. She didn’t know where she could place that snippet of her memory, but her theory was that she saw the moment before the car hit her. She understood the fear, but she didn’t understand the sadness that chained itself around her heart before.

No matter what she remembered, she still didn’t know if her waking up from the coma was a blessing or a curse. A part of her wonders if Grayson would have rather she died than to have her live and not be able to do the simplest thing such as hold her hand without being afraid she might reject him. She wondered if he wished he never met her at all.

Sighing, she decided this wasn’t a day to sleep in – not when she was to see Grayson that night. In fact, she had someone else to see that morning, so she heads out.

“Why did we break up?” She didn’t bother with pleasantries as she walked into Archer’s office, flustered from walking up the stairs because waiting for the elevator was maddening. She never had much patience for waiting.

“Uh…you broke up with me.” Archer closed the file on his desk before standing up, walking over to the girl who seemed a little too lost compared to the girl he used to know. He wasn’t holding back around her, not anymore. He placed a finger on her chin, lifting her head so he could look into her eyes with his captivating clouded ones. She loved those eyes, absolutely adored them – blue as the sky on a good day, cloudy like a storm when he’s conflicted. However, she wasn’t quite as drawn to them as she used to. She wasn’t enchanted with them nor did she lose her head over them…she found her taste has changed and the feelings she missed with Archer in this moment have been proven present when she looked in Grayson’s eyes. It’s as if her heart remembers, even if her mind doesn’t.

“You left me and I never got an explanation that would satisfy me.” Archer frowned, his forehead creasing – the only true sign time passed since she last saw him as her boyfriend. His looks didn’t change much except his hair is shorter now and he’s got a few wrinkles, stamps of a life lived. But there was something else she noticed – his nose crinkled as he spoke, his tell – Archer is lying to her and she still doesn’t know why.

“And you just let me walk away? No explanation, nothing?” Bitterness dripping in her tone, Y/N was fighting the urge to slap his hand away. She wasn’t too happy with how comfortable he’s become with her, too comfortable considering she supposedly just abandoned him.

“You’re the most stubborn, willful woman I’ve ever met. I knew you’d never come back if I begged, only on your own accord. I suppose fate still sent you my way.” Archer’s lips twitched, pulling into a crooked smile as he leaned closer, his lips hovering over hers.

“You’re calling my head injury fate?” She scoffed, placing her right hand on his chest before shoving him away. She definitely didn’t want to kiss him right now. In her head, it’s been about four months since she kissed him, but in reality, at least three years have passed and while she used to go crazy if she didn’t feel his lips every day, she didn’t feel the urge to reconnect now.

“I didn’t mean it that way. But had you not gone through what you did, I’d still be alone and suffering while my mind was always on you…and you’d be with that Dolan guy, married by now. You can’t blame me for being happy about having your back in my life.” Archer deadpanned, holding fast to his previous words, arguing it like a lawyer would.

“Don’t forget about the party tonight, okay? And be on your best behavior because that ‘DOLAN GUY’ is invited and I don’t want there to be any trouble.” She turned on her heel and left Archer in the office, his fists clenched at his sides as he stared at the closed door menacingly.

**

Grayson wasn’t nervous. He was nervous on his first day of school or when he first posted a YouTube video with his brother or when he met Y/N, but this? This goes beyond nervous and he knows that once he rings that bell, there’s no going back from it.

He’s already sweating through his fancy suit, the one she convinced him to buy when they decided to go to a museum for their second date, the one she told him he looks dashing in. His tie feels too tight, choking him, but he wanted to make a good impression on the people her family is friends with. He always knew her parents weren’t exactly rich, but they still had an impressive amount of rich friends and a big house that looked a lot like a ten million dollar mansion.

Clearing his throat, Grayson let out a long sigh, pressing the doorbell with confidence. It didn’t take long for her beautiful face to come into view as the door opened barely twenty seconds after he’d run the bell – he counted.

She lit up at the sight, looking him up and down with an extremely pleasant look on her face before her eyes met his and the feeling in his gut that something was wrong disappeared.

“Looking very dashing, Mr. Dolan.” She complimented in a faux British accent before they both burst out laughing and for a moment she felt that odd feeling again, like she had lived this moment once before, as if she could see the same suit on him in a mirror reflexion, her arms wrapped around his middle.

“I thought I should dress up.” Grayson stepped closer, taking her hand in his so delicately slow that she felt her cheeks darken instantly, her lips pursing in order to stop a smile from forming as he brought the back of her hand up to his lips, pressing them softly against her warm skin.

“You look dapper in everything.” She admitted shyly, her heart soaring when she feels him smile against her skin, lifting his head up, her hand remaining in his so casually as if it’s her natural habitat. She didn’t feel the need to retract it, not even a little. In fact, she gave his hand a light squeeze, pulling him inside with her.

“Champagne?” One of the waiters offers to Grayson, but Grayson and Y/N both wave him off at the same time, saying he doesn’t drink champagne simultaneously.

“How did you know?” Grayson bit his lower lip anxiously, hoping she was remembering and maybe that’s why she’s behaving so much like his fiancé on this night. He wanted it to be true, but he had no strength in him to hope for much anymore.

“I don’t know. I guess it’s…muscle memory?” She used an excuse and they both knew it. But she didn’t lie, Grayson knew that much. She was clearly confused herself, but he didn’t want to overwhelm her.

“How’s Ethan? Cameron?” She wasn’t making small talk, in fact, Y/N genuinely wanted to know about the family. She often had doubts about how close she could have been with his siblings because it was clear from the way they behaved around her in the hospital that she should be more than just acquainted with them.

“Good. Actually, Ethan’s always asking about you and Cameron is…well, she’s running her bar and loving every minute of it.”

“OH. I’m glad. I’ve been thinking about calling them lately, but I didn’t know if that would be weird or not.” She didn’t miss the big smile on his face as she told him of her secret plans, knowing that it would make him feel better about her moving away from home, his house. She often had to remind herself to call it his house. And Grayson nearly jumped in his glee, too happy about it because it meant she still cared – if she was still willing to deal with his crazy siblings, she was still inside, the woman who told him she loves him two weeks into meeting him.

While Grayson was busy picking out a perfect flower to buy for her, Y/N was lost in him. She barely knew this man, but she spent every day of the past two weeks of her unexpected vacation by his side and she was so sure, so completely convinced in what her heart was telling her. Y/N wasn’t much of a romantic nor did she believe in love at first sight, but with Grayson, all those beliefs shattered for she did fall for him, almost instantly. It didn’t go slowly as it usually does, where two humans get together occasionally and talk. For Y/N, falling in love with Grayson felt like jumping off a cliff into the unknown with utter certainty he’d be at the bottom with his arms open to cushion the fall. She trusted him so easily, so fully that she didn’t know if she was losing her mind or finally finding sanity.

“I love you.” She stated easily, openly, without reserve, so much so Grayson felt his heart bruise as it jumped abruptly in response.

“You do?” He turned to her fully, his warm eyes boring into hers as his lips fell open in order to breathe because the amount of air he got through his nose wasn’t nearly enough for this.

“Yeah. I do. You don’t have to say anything, just…I thought you should know.” She shrugged awkwardly, her hands slipping into the back pockets of her jeans, her heart hammering inside her chest.

“I know it’s too soon and all and we’re both mental most likely, but I love you too.” She didn’t get a chance to say much as she felt his lips upon hers, his hands gripping her hips to pull her closer.

“Do you mind if I leave you for a bit? I need to pee so bad.” She whispered the last part, making him smile. She was never shy to admit when she had to go.

“It’s a normal, human need Grayson. Why should I feel embarrassed about having to pee? Everyone does it…if they’re healthy. I hope everyone does it because if they’re not, I feel really fucking bad that they can’t.” She mumbled through the bathroom door, the ones he closed after she ran past him like a madwoman, not even caring he’s there. Moving in five months into a relationship was a big step, but even when she was rambling about having to pee and how normal that is, Grayson knew it was the real deal. She was his soulmate…even when she talks about pee.

In need of some fresh air, Grayson walked out front, looking up at the sky with his hands in his pockets. He had a lot of reservations about showing up that night, but being there? It felt good. Being with her felt good.

“Leaving so soon?”

Grayson turned halfway to the door, finding a handsome man in a white tuxedo looking straight at him. It didn’t take him long to place that face with the guy who drove Y/N home that night she left their home and it definitely didn’t take him long to narrow his eyes at the guy who clearly had a superiority complex.

“No. Not going anywhere until Y/N tells me to.” Grayson wasn’t talking about the party only, they both knew it. While he may be in a less than desirable position right now, Grayson held onto hope he saw whenever he’d look at her hand and find his engagement ring on her finger. Even without her memories and them being anything but together, Y/N wearing his ring was the last bit of hope he had.

“Pretty sure she meant that the moment she left your ass. I mean…she’s got me now, so it’s time for you to crawl back into the hole you came out of.” Archer stepped down a few stairs, a smug smirk on his lips. He looked so good – good enough to punch. But Grayson promised her he’d never use violence as his first reaction.

“Yeah? Because she told me that when she was with you, she would wake up at night in a panic, thinking, ‘Is this all there is?’” Grayson wasn’t a cocky guy but he was definitely defensive. Perhaps it’s the insecurities and doubts he’s got about his relationship with Y/N or it’s just about hating this guy who acted like Y/N was his property, but Grayson wanted to shut his mouth. He wanted to put him in his place because even if Y/N didn’t remember why they were over now, Grayson was sure it was an unforgivable reason for she was never the type to quit on people.

“Wow. She told you everything, huh?” Archer raised an eyebrow, stuffing his hands into his pockets, cocking his head as Grayson hummed in response with an arrogant smirk of his own.

“Mmm-hmm.” He could tell some of the guests have noticed the small argument and have been looking at them through the window in expectation of a dramatic turn. Grayson told himself he wouldn’t let it get to that.

“Did she tell you that she threw herself at me the other day? Did she tell you that? Hmm? Or did she stop telling you everything when she forgot who the hell you were?” Getting into Grayson’s face, Archer was more than ready to cause damage. He wanted to provoke Grayson, to get him to crack. He wanted Grayson gone.

“Look, I get why you're being such a dick. You obviously love her, and you think you're gonna get her back. But the thing is, she outgrew you. What makes you think that won't happen again?” Grayson’s well-meaning advice fell on deaf ears. Archer didn’t care, in his mind, he had already won.

“Thank you for that advice. I will mull it over while I'm in bed, fucking your fiancé.” Grayson wasn’t even aware of his actions. In this moment, his spirit, his mind had abandoned his body that acted on its own accord. It felt like an out of body experience, watching himself make a great mistake as he threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to Archer’s face, hitting his jaw with such force that blood pooled into his mouth upon contact. The sickening crunch had sounded in his head, like a satisfying melody, but the pleasure didn’t last long as Y/N joined them, utterly shocked at the scene she encountered.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Y/N screamed at him, running down the stairs with a horrified look in her eyes as she stopped beside Archer who fell back on his ass after a single punch. Grayson couldn’t help but chuckle dryly when he noticed her worry is aimed at Archer instead of him.

“Go, get it cleaned.” She whispered to Archer who managed to smirk wickedly at Grayson as he retreated, guests following inside.

“What was that Grayson?” She folded her arms over her chest, the cold making her shiver. He’d offer her his jacket but with the fury and disappointment pooling in her eyes, Grayson knew he wasn’t wanted here any longer.

“I don't know. That's a really good question because I have been driving myself insane, making a complete ass of myself! Literally trying everything possible to try to save what we have. And you've been throwing yourself at Archer.” He didn’t mean to raise his voice nor make her flinch like he did, but Grayson was lost. He had no other way to hide his frustration and he lost his patience completely when that man had the audacity to speak about her like she was a common whore.

“That's not fair. You don’t have a monopoly on pain, Grayson! We’re both hurting and we’re both placed in an impossible situation.” Her voice shakes as she looks away, unable to watch this heartbreak unravel. It breaks her too, for she loves Grayson. She truly does and while she doesn’t understand the feelings that have accumulated so fast, she knows they’re there and they won’t ever be returned. His love is reserved for the girls he once was.

“It's not fair? I see the way you look at him. I know, because you used to look at me that way.” Grayson didn’t hold back with her either. He was tired of watching his mouth because he was afraid something he says might hurt her. He was hurting too.

“Please, just stop. Okay? Stop! I’m not her! I’m not the girl you used to love. I’m not the girl who made those memories with you, alright? I tried! I tried to remember, looking at those photos and imagining what happened when they were taken to make you happy, but it won’t happen. God, I wanted to remember so bad, because I can see you’re hurting. I’m sure I loved you very much Grayson, but I’m not her. And you gotta stop doing this to me. I can’t be around you anymore! Not while you have that look in your eyes! That adoring, hopeful, loving look I’m sure I used to be mesmerized by, but it only brings me pain now! I need you to let me go. Can you do that for me? If you love me, just let me go.”

“Okay.” He says quietly, his eyes turning glossy as the pain hits him over and over again. It’s not his pain alone, but hers as well. The thought of him being the cause behind her anguish had destroyed him inside, leaving him desolate. She can barely see him with tears in her eyes, annoyingly pricking them with the cheap mascara she just put on in the bathroom – she wanted to look good for him, to have the luscious eyelashes that draw the guy’s attention…it’s silly, but she wanted Grayson to see she’s making an effort to look good for him.

“Can I....Can I just kiss you before I go? Just once? One last time...please?” His desperation doesn’t make it any easier on Y/N, mostly because she’s wanted to kiss him for the longest time as well.

Nodding, she comes closer to him, placing each hand on the side on his face. He stilled as she pressed herself to him and lifted her lips to his. Their lips met. And fused. Hungrily. She felt his hands lock around her waist. Her invitation, her acceptance, shook Grayson down to his very soul; he only just managed not to crush her to him. He kissed her deeply, searchingly, evocatively—and felt her flaring response. He tempted her, taunted her to stay, to cross every boundary. Through his shirt, her palms branded him, but he felt her ease up on the kiss – he felt her move away from him.

They part, both breathless and saddened. Deep inside, both Y/N and Grayson expected it to turn out as a fairytale, where a true love’s kiss brings her memories back and they live happily ever after. But it didn’t. It only made them hurt more.

“Grayson, I...” She fluttered her eyes open, wishing she could stay. She wished she could stick with him so badly that her entire being screamed his name, but she couldn’t. Not now. It would be too toxic for both of them – Grayson would always see her as his Y/N, the woman he was supposed to marry and Y/N would drown in his expectations. She couldn’t do that to either of them.

“No, I think we need to start being realistic. Your memory's not coming back. The fact is that I'm still just a stranger to you.” Grayson’s dejected, unraveling slowly as he felt his last bit of hope shatter when she opened his palm and placed her engagement ring in it with such reluctance that he could sense it without a word spoken.

“I'm not trying to hurt you. But I'm just... I'm so tired of disappointing you.” She wept openly, staring at the ring until he closed his hand around it. It’s silly just how connected she felt to that ring, how incredibly hard it was to take it off, even harder to give it back to him.

“I know.” Grayson smiled for her benefit, pressing a kiss to her temple one last time before turning around, sniffling. He walked away into the night as she stared at his disappearing figure, her tears ruining what was left of her make up. She didn’t know if she made the right choice for herself, but it was the right choice for him. Grayson would never have the old her back and it would turn him bitter in time. She couldn’t expect him to sit around while she struggled with her own demons.

She loved him enough to let him go.

**

“She’s gone? Really gone?” Ethan stared blankly at Grayson who called in a family support meeting at Cameron’s bar, desperate to have someone around. He didn’t trust himself that night. He played with the ring she gave back, looking at that piece of jewelry that meant the end for a love he wanted to keep for the rest of his life.

“Yeah. Even gave me the ring back.” Grayson placed the ring on the bar, taking a shot to down. He wasn’t much of a drinker, but that night demanded drinks to survive.

“Take it. One of you will have some use of it.” Grayson slammed the shot glass against the bar, nearly breaking it in his hand. He was already so angry and the worst part is that he saw it coming. He knew he had lost her the moment she opened her eyes and looked at him like he was the devil instead of her angel.

“Oh, I can be bad!” Grayson exclaimed, sending a dart flying straight for the bullseye. Y/N rolled her eyes before turning to all three Dolan siblings, her eyebrow raised.

“You? Bad? Cameron is literally the baddest among you, Ethan is a fucking butterfly tamer and you’re a dainty angel. You guys need to learn from your sister!”

“And that just earned you free booze!” Cameron snickered, pouring a full glass of tequila for her favorite soon to be sister in law.

“You sure you need more booze? I’d rather you not break my damn bar.” Cameron took the empty glasses, sliding the ring into her pocket as well. She didn’t want Grayson to do something he might regret and that ring was still important to him…to Y/N too, if she had to bet on it.

“When we met, it took her two weeks to tell me she loves me.” Grayson chuckled dryly, still in disbelief. “It’s been five months and I’m just a stranger to her. I’m a footnote in her and Archer’s love story. I’m the guy who ends up being tossed aside and the funny thing is…I never thought I’d ever feel sorry for Archer like I do now. I get how that asshole felt when I got with her.” Groaning, Grayson lowers his head on the bar, closing his eyes as the alcohol takes effect and numbs the pain – not entirely, just enough to get through the night.

“I’ll get him home.” Ethan sighs, struggling to get Grayson to his feet.

“Grayson, this feels like the end of your world. I get it. But don’t let it actually end your world.” Cameron whispers, leaving a quick kiss atop his head before Ethan guided him out.

**

Y/N found herself dealing with yet another sleepless night. Images of Grayson’s teary eyes had engraved themselves into her mind, there to remind her of just how much pain she caused him. She wished she could unbreak his heart, but the damage is done and she has to deal with her choices now.

No longer running from her past, Y/N fished her diaries out of the vents, searching for a very specific set of dates. She didn’t have to read much about the ones she wrote while she was with Grayson, very aware she loved him, but she had questions about how she felt in the days that she deemed as their last as a couple…but also about her last days spent in her parent’s house.

She surely got her answers.

Walking out of her room, she found her father sitting by the fire, drinking his scotch as always. She hated how much he loved his alcohol, even more so, she hated what he had done to her.

“How could you?” She didn’t yell nor shed a tear, simply shaking her head at her father who didn’t try to fight her on it. In a way, he knew that once she found out that he’d have to face her again. She was angry but disappointed most of all.

“You two were perfect together. I didn’t want a mistake to separate you.” He sold her the same excuse he did the first time around, coldly and without empathy. He had been so blinded by the business deals a union like theirs would bring their family that he cared more about the marriage happening than his daughter’s happiness.

“A mistake? Archer has cheated on me more than once! HE GAVE ME CHLAMYDIA!” Now she was yelling. She was shaking in her rage, unable to believe that she had let her father, her mother and Archer fuck with her head so much. She let them do this to her twice. She let her guard down even when Grayson asked her not to…the only one who actually cared about her was Grayson. She knew that now.

“At least I know why I left now. And you’ll know why I’m leaving again.”

She didn’t wait for morning to pack, gathering whatever she had before taking her old car and driving off. She couldn’t go to Grayson, not after their conversation that night. She had asked him to let her go and he did. He walked away, exhausted from months of trying to win her over and she wished she could tell him he managed to do just fine. She wished she could see his smile and feel his warm hands on her body. But Y/N had known the truth now too. She knew what she did…she knew what the sadness she felt that night truly meant.

“Out of all the bars in the world, you walk into mine? After closing?” Cameron raised an eyebrow, looking at the disheveled girl she considered a sister.

“The service here is impeccable.” Y/N forced a smile, pushing down tears as she took a chair and shrugged. “I remembered where you hold your spare key.” And her eyes watered again. No matter how hard she tried, the tears kept coming. She could remember the most random things, but she still couldn’t remember Grayson? She still didn’t know why it felt like her world burned down even before she learned of the betrayal her parents and Archer kept alive.

“Cool. Want a drink?” Cameron slid a glass over to her, pouring a glass of orange juice instead of alcohol in her glass. She felt the incredulous look Y/N gave her before she even saw it, smirking.

“What? You’re not drinking booze until you get some memories back and your brain heals.”

Nodding, Y/N took a sip. Orange juice is her favorite, something all Dolan siblings seem to be aware of.

“I’m looking for a place to live. Know anything good around here?” Y/N spoke between sips, trying to avoid Cameron’s lingering stare.

“Yeah. Your house. My house. Ethan’s house. Take your pick.” Somehow, Y/N knew that would be her answer. She knew Cameron was a sassy person by nature, always ready with a witty comeback or a sarcastic remark. Deep down, she knew that’s why she liked the eldest Dolan.

“I was thinking something along a ‘no roommate’ situation. I, uh, found out a lot of things tonight. Why I haven’t spoken to my family in years and why Archer and I broke up…why I felt heartbroken when I saw those headlights blind me right before the car hit me.” Y/N gnawed on the inside of her lip before meeting Cameron’s questioning gaze, determined to let someone in. She needed a friend and she trusted Dolan siblings. She just knew she could trust them.

“Archer cheated on me…more than once…gave me chlamydia which is how I found out. My parents covered for him for two years.” Y/N took another sip of her juice, her mouth too dry.

“Wait, what?” Y/N sat up once the news registered, shaking with rage.

“I came here because I had some pain and thought I had a bladder infection, not because of an STD! I’ve only ever been with one guy and we’re supposed to be…” That’s when she realized the truth, knowing that her oh-so-perfect-Archer is anything but. He is cheating and she’s paying the price.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Days later, she cut ties with her family and Archer, packing her things and going on a spur of a moment trip to Las Vegas where she’ll meet Grayson Dolan. That’s when her life truly began – filled with love, trust, such beauty he had shown her, petty fights and sleepless nights filled with passion.

“But I…I also know that I dropped quite a bombshell on Grayson that night. Turns out I’ve known for two months that I can’t have kids.” Y/N drew in a shaky breath, finding it ironic she went into the office thinking she’s pregnant only to find out she can never have kids.

“I’m sorry, but it was a false positive.” The doctors gave her a sympathetic smile, but the look in her eyes was all too familiar. She knew that look – pity, something she last saw when the doctor accidentally revealed Archer is a lying cheater.

“But there’s more, isn’t there? You did all those extra tests and then you called me down here to tell me the news because there’s something more, right?” Y/N wasn’t a fool and while she wanted the supposed pregnancy to be a surprise to Grayson, a man who had wanted kids more than anything in life and she wanted the same with him, for him, as long as they were together. She felt so alone right now, regretting not inviting someone along with her. She wished she had someone to hold her hand because the news she’d receive felt life-changing in a way, a bad way – the worst way.

“I’m so sorry to tell you, but with your history of polycystic ovaries and chlamydia that went untreated for so long, the infection had spread on the rest of your reproductive system and damaged it irreversibly. Both your…” And while the doctor tried to explain exactly how Archer and her parents made sure she’d never have a child of her own, Y/N drifted off. She twirled her engagement ring religiously as her focused on Grayson and the way he’d look at her when she tells him the truth. After all, being a father is something he always wanted to be. Being a father is something he talks about so often that even she can’t imagine anything other than that in his future. She loves him…too much. She loved him so much that this is tearing her apart more than it would had she not wanted to mother his children. She never liked kids, but she wanted to have kids – his kids. They always told one another their love was forever – something that can’t be broken or taken away, but for the first time in their time together, Y/N had started to doubt that promise.

Maybe then he'd leave, maybe she was destined to be alone; no husband, no kids. She spent so long in denial that she convinced herself she could go ahead with this marriage without telling him the truth, but she couldn’t, she knew that after he had caught her crying her eyes out so many times without an answer, or when he’d ramble about his friend’s baby or about the babies he imagines they’ll have. She couldn’t do that to him, so she decided to tell the truth – even if it dragged on to the very night before their wedding.

“Apparently my ovaries are so bad that they’re beyond help. Polycystic ovarian syndrome that matched with chlamydia I got from Archer which went untreated for months that helped start a greater infection so bad that both my tubes were affected and are kind of blocked. So yeah…They said I have options and all that crap, but the point is that I knew for months and I never told him…I was going to tell him that night which is what I assume happened.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Grayson’s mouth opened, his eyebrows furrowing until his scar crinkled under the pressure.

“I wanted to. I was so scared you’d leave me and…having kids is your dream. I didn’t know how to tell you I might be why you never get that dream or that you have to choose.” Y/N’s shaky hand reached for Grayson’s only to find him pulling away, not even looking her in the eye. “And I knew you’d choose me and I knew that once Ethan and Cameron start having their kids that you’ll get more distant in time and you’ll be bitter and you’ll hold it against me! So, I’m sorry If I wanted to live in a happy bubble for a little while longer.” She wiped her tears away, breaking when her angel refused to meet her gaze.

“Will you…leave?” She was afraid to ask and even more afraid of what the response will be. She loved him so much that the thought of a life without him tore her apart.

“I don’t know, okay? You told me something pretty big here and I need to adjust…I need to think…to…I don’t even know what. This is so fucking messed up!” Standing so abruptly from the table, Grayson tried to move past Y/N who had already grabbed onto his arm, trying to stop him long enough to apologize once again. She wanted to tell him she loves him, that she never thought happiness she experienced with him was a real possibility in life.

He didn’t listen as he walked out with her in tow. She was desperately holding on.

“I’m sorry. Grayson, please, please, please stop. Just talk to me, okay? Talk to me like you did when we first met, okay? Like that day when you so fiercely spoke your mind and I fell in love with it, with you.” Holding on for dear life to an aggravated Grayson, Y/N knew she should have let him be. He asked for space and she should have given it to him, but her fear of losing him spiked and she couldn’t stop herself. She wished she did because not even a second after, he did what he usually does…just not with her...he spoke in anger, spewing a lie he didn’t even mean.

“I wish we never met.”

Funny enough, he got his wish. Grayson forgot about the golden BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT rule. After he spoke those words, it was just like that – like they were strangers again for in her head, she had never met him and he was doomed to suffer for he couldn’t forget the day he met her.

Cameron looked shocked once Y/N confessed to the entire memory lane, including that she thought she was pregnant, turning Cameron into an unusually emotional mess, her own emotions rattled. While Y/N didn’t remember the details of the fight, she definitely knew what caused it. She was just wrong about it being why she stepped into oncoming traffic in her sorrowful daze. Y/N didn’t know what Grayson really said and a part of Cameron was relieved.

“You definitely need a real drink.”

**

Almost five months later, Y/N found herself in a winter wonderland that’s New York. She’s always been annoyed with snow, but this year felt different. She knew that snow may not be her favorite, but it was certainly Grayson’s.

Yes, she got some of her memories back, still only snippets and pieces she’d sometimes dream about. For instance, she knew now that the desert images that came back to her earlier were actually about the day she met Grayson. She remembered more than just his smile…she remembered the whole day. Another thing she remembered was when she told him she loves him for the first time and that she heard him respond in the same breath he used to seal their love with a kiss. She did have some of her memories back, but not enough. She could never have enough.

So, wandering the street, Y/N steered herself into Central Park. It’s where Grayson took her every winter after he moved back into the city. She may have met him just outside Las Vegas when he was there to film a video, but she was always stationed in New York and he joined her rather fast after that. She couldn’t help but smile to herself as she remembered when she went ice skating with Grayson for the first time, both of them wiping out because they had invented a silly game of catch…and he did catch her, only it was by an accidental tackle. Regardless, it’s where he proposed to her a year after.

Y/N didn’t like winter, but she always liked ice skating in the Central park after that. It had become like a tradition – the night before Ethan and Grayson’s birthday, the pair would come and skate right before closing time. It was a tradition she remembered and had to honor to help soothe her tortured soul.

Little did she know, someone else had felt the need to do the same.

The moment she stepped onto the ice, finding the rink completely empty, Y/N noticed it wasn’t quite vacant. A figure laid in the middle of the rink, unmoving as he stared up at the night sky, at the snowflakes pouring down on him. She couldn’t tell who it was, not with such distance but Y/N felt it in her heart.

She knew it would be him.

Stopping in the center, she laid beside the man who didn’t even hear her approaching. She could tell he’d been there for a while longer than she was, his nose red and in need of warmth. Whenever her nose was cold, he’d let her hide her face in the crook of his neck and warm herself despite feeling like she had placed an icicle against his carotid.

She wished she could do that now.

“A beautiful night, huh?” She decided to speak up, unaware he truly didn’t realize he has company. Jumping up, Grayson’s hand clutched his chest, his wide eyes settled on hers in an instant. She could see the terror drain from his chocolate brown eyes, replacing it with confusion, happiness, softness, and warmth – a look she got used to receiving from him.

“I, uh…Hi!” Grayson chuckled, unsure what to do with himself or this situation. He hadn’t expected to see her ever again and a part of him questioned his sanity right now. He wasn’t sure if she was a hypothermia induced hallucination or an angel that came to collect his soul. He definitely didn’t think she was real.

“I didn’t mean to scare you Bailey, I just…I guess I remembered this tradition we have and I couldn’t let that go.” She shrugged, averting her gaze to his red hands, certain he’s freezing right now. Without any restraint, Y/N wrapped her gloved hands around his, sharing some of her warmth with him.

“Remembered?” Is all he could say with his chattering teeth getting in the way, his heart drunk on happiness once he heard her say his middle name. He didn’t know if she did it on purpose for they had told each other it would be a code word in case she got her memories back, or if it was by chance, something purely on instinct. But the way she smirked at him, Grayson knew she had used it with a purpose.

“Yeah. I’ve gotten some of the memories back. Some I’m not even sure are memories or maybe dreams, but I’m working on figuring it out.” She smiled softly, her lips quivering from the cold as well. But she didn’t run as she cussed out the winter or snow, she simply pulled herself closer to him, praying he doesn’t pull away.

“Oh. Any good ones?” Grayson mentally facepalmed, shaking his own head at the stupid question he asked, hating just how awkward he is around her. She’s finally there by his side, almost a year since the accident had taken her from him. He wanted to hug her, kiss her, tell her he still loves her, but he waited for her to give him a sign. He refused to break his promise of letting her go without her asking him to.

“Just ask someone else out. Find a girl and tell her she’s cute and then bang her.” Ethan explained like it was the easiest thing in the world. He knew Grayson was suffering and his solution was to get him through it with one night stands.

“Not gonna happen, bro. I’m not ready to get over her. I need time and getting laid is the last thing on my mind.”

Grayson didn’t move on, even though he thought about it. He just couldn’t do it and so, instead of burying himself between some strange girl’s legs, he decided to bury himself in work. He spent a lot of his time on the road as well, worried he might run into Y/N in the city…or worse, run into her and Archer.

“Obviously good ones…I’m here, aren’t I?” Grayson relished in the light tone she used and the sweetness behind her coy smile. He was struggling to keep his eyes on her before, afraid he’d see her and his progress would fall apart, but seeing her now…it reminded him why he loved her in the first place. It was never about the accident or her forgetting him, but about him remembering her as she was and accepting who she is – and she did change, but there was still a lot of the old her inside and he saw her again in perfect light.

“You’re not home with Archer. In Manhattan.” It was more as if he was telling himself that, reassuring himself this moment was real and when her smile fell, Grayson knew this wasn’t a hallucination…she’d never be unhappy in his hallucinations or dreams – he always painted her joyful and light.

“Moved out the same night I asked you to…” She stopped as if the words are too painful to say out loud, like the notion of what she asked had toyed with her sanity for a long time now.

“Um, I’m living close by. Finished my classes and I’m working in a private clinic. And I’ve been working on my memories. I know there’s a lot of holes left to fill, but some of them are quite clear inside my head…like when we met…or when I told you I loved you two weeks into knowing each other.” Giggling, Y/N sniffled, letting out a puffy breath into the night.

“So, you do remember.” Grayson turned to her, wanting nothing more than to hold her close right now. What he hoped to hear for so long had started coming true and while it’s slow, he was ready to be patient with her again. He would wait and he would care and most of all, he’d love her – old her, new her, any version of her.

“It’s not a lot, but it’s a start. But even without those memories, I knew I loved you, Grayson. I knew it even as I was asking you to go…I think I knew since we got home and you gave me your hoodie to wear that first night…I know you think I didn’t wear it, but I slept in it every night. It was like my comfort blanket. The scent was familiar and I clung to it.”

“And you love me now?” Grayson angled his head to the left, waiting for an affirmative answer. But she pulled away, taking her warm hands with her. Grayson felt his heart drop just as she started taking her glove off, the left one, only to reveal a ring…the engagement ring.

“Cameron gave it to me that same night I gave it back to you. Never took it off.” Y/N admitted sheepishly, matching Grayson’s wide smile with one of her own. If it were up to him, he’d be screaming at the top of his lungs, running around in circles with a wide smile on his lips, hugging her so tightly she might break, but he was scared he’d hurt her or frighten her and that it might push her away.

“Where do we go from here then?” Grayson inched closer, his neck craning to reach her lips.

“We could go on a date or…go home and watch movies? It is Friday night after all and your birthday is in a few hours too.” She shrugged, smiling as she anticipated the touch of his lips upon hers.

“Well, Friday night is movie night. But better be prepared for my whole family descending upon us in the morning.” Grayson smiled, his lips hovering over hers as she narrowed her eyes at him in a playful manner.

“You mean our family?” Y/N raised an eyebrow, knowing she’ll let him in without overthinking this. Fate had lead them to each other on this special night and she wasn’t interested in fighting destiny. Serendipity was always her favorite movie for a reason.  

“I can work with that.” But she couldn’t wait any longer for his kiss, stealing those few inches of distance from Grayson with fervor.

And while Y/N never got all her memories back, she made new ones with the man she loved. After all, love heals our brains. Love develops the prefrontal cortex and enables us to make wise choices, without it, humans are like permanent partial-drunks thinking ourselves fully sober. They healed each other, fully opened to one another. We are born to love and with all the necessary courage to walk the path to it, no matter the roughness, no matter the hardship. They’ve walked a road not many have faced, survived obstacles weaker loves have shattered on, but their love simply grew stronger, sturdier, lasting.

Rehashing the past, falling victim to the whispers of the ghosts left behind is never we should allow. And yes, sometimes we need the past to learn from our mistakes, but when your present is good, look towards the future and keep hold of what makes you steady, loved, protected.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~           ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~           ~ * ~ * ~ *

Tags: @dolandolll​​ @beinscorpio​​ @godlydolans​​ @peacedolantwins​​ @dolanstwintuesday​​ @heyits-claire​  @jjustjoy​  @sltwins​

[elliemarchetti]

The Deal (part 7)

Previous chapters

Words: 1339

Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor team came in the Great Hall in the morning greeted by a thunderous applause. Hermione also joined in the hope that this was the best way to make her friends forgive her, and although Harry seemed pleased to see her cheer on his team, the same couldn’t be said of Ron or her Slytherin friends, that booed the red and gold team. Hermione noticed that Draco was even paler than usual but didn't have time to ask him what he had as he ran in the field with the rest of his team to get an idea of the conditions in which they would play. As they left, only the Slytherins applauded and Pansy shouted a specific wish for Draco, who had made Hermione’s breakfast roll up in her stomach, to the point that she had to get up and go out for a walk. Now that the situation had calmed down, finding herself alone was harder than she could’ve imagined, but she tried not to even think about that, concentrating on the sensation of the sun on her skin.

"Everything’s ok?" asked a female voice behind her. It was Lily, who approached jogging, looking worried.

Hermione nodded, though she felt tears wet her eyes as her friend approached.

"I wanted to ask you if you would like to sit with us to watch the game at the end of the breakfast, you know, to avoid that some Gryffindors could take my invasion at their table badly, but you left so quickly that I thought you didn't feel well, but Millicent saw you come out, so... " she tried to justify herself, unaware of the fact that the gesture was worth more than a thousand nice words to Hermione.

"I'll be there. I just need to breathe for a while. You know, in the Great Hall the air was a little tense." replied Hermione, who was starting to feel better but still had a terrible headache.

"But you can't imagine what happened after you left!" the other exclaimed, and Hermione ended up following her to the camp while she told her about the latest gossips of the castle.

"We missed you a lot these weeks, especially Pansy. I also think I heard her cry one night, but it may have been because she took a P in the History of Magic assignment."

Hermione's eyes widened, horrified. She was the only Gryffindor willing to pass the questions of Binns' homework to the Slytherins and if they had all gone bad since she had stopped doing it, this meant that Draco's grades also got worse, which wasn’t right, given the deal they made two years ago.

"Don't worry," Lily assured her, noticing her expression, "we managed to fix it, all thanks to Draco, who agreed to go out for a date with Mandy Brocklehurst, that Binns' assistant... " explained Lily, but Hermione was no longer listening, staring  at nothing, lost in the thought that Draco had gone out with someone and hadn't told her.

 No one spoke as they wore green uniforms. Draco wondered if everyone felt the same thing he felt, as if at breakfast they had swallowed something very, very agitated, but then remembered that he was the only one with so much to prove. After what seemed like a moment, Flint said: “Ok, it's time, let's go.”

They went out on the field, greeted by a wave of thunderous enthusiasm. Most of the crowd wore scarlet rosettes, waved scarlet flags with the Gryffindor lion drawn on or held banners with slogans like 'GO GRIFONDOR!' and 'THE CUP TO THE LIONS' but behind the Slytherin goal at least two hundred people, including Snape, who was sitting in the front row, were lined up all wearing green, the Slytherin’s silver snake sparkled on their flag. He almost immediately recognized Mandy, sitting with her friends, who had all abandoned their house’s colors in favor of Draco’s, and tried not to think too much about their first date. He had done it just to get those damn questions and not bother Hermione, after all it was no secret that she had a crush on him since about the time he joined the Quidditch team, so he hadn't seen anything wrong with taking advantage of the thing and also they were both single, something that not all the girls who drooled at the Quidditch team members’ sight could say, so he had invited her to Madam Puddifoot, a cramped, steamy little place where everything seemed to have been decorated with frills or bows but that Blaise had assured him to be one of the favorite places for girls in Hogsmeade. Indeed, every table could count at least one girl, whether she was with her boyfriend, a crush or her friends. Senselessly, Draco had scanned the room for Hermione, but she was nowhere to be found if not immersed in books at Hogwarts, and he hadn’t been able to decide whether he had been relieved or disappointed by the idea. Also that day he scanned the stands in search of Hermione, and found her crushed between Lily and Millicent, with Pansy looking at her sideways from time to time. Draco smiled, partly because he was certain that those two would quickly make peace, partly because, all morning, he had doubted that he would find her rooting for him. As always, she hadn’t exaggerated, perhaps out of respect for her Housemates playing against him, perhaps because she wasn’t a big fan of certain displays, but she was wearing a scarf that Draco had given her the previous year, before all the Heir thing, and it made Draco senselessly happy, though she never caught his eye. Once the presentations were over, the captains shook their hands as always, and the game began. He began immediately to heel Potter, in the hope that the farce would end quickly, but the snitch couldn’t be seen anywhere and meanwhile, despite Flint's misconduct, the Gryffindors continued to score, until the Slytherin captain did it too, generating a burst of applause from the Slytherin wing. Lee Jordan, the commentator, that has always cheered for his house, said a bad word so serious that professor McGonagall tried to tear off his hands the magic megaphone.

“Forgive me, professor, forgive me! It won’t happen again!” he said, even though everyone knew it wasn't true, and so the commentary continued, although, if there had been a Slytherin in his place, he would’ve been replaced without hesitation. It was quickly becoming the dirtiest game Draco had ever played and if usually he would’ve enjoyed it, he did nothing but think of Hermione, at the fact that he would at least have invited her to the after game party, until he saw a twinkle, six meters higher. Even Potter must’ve seen it and thanks to his decidedly superior broom he passed him, until Draco grabbed the back to stop him. That snitch must have been his and that game had to be won by Slytherin, he didn't care how important it was to Wood.

"You..." Harry was so furious it was obvious he would’ve gladly beat Malfoy, but he couldn't reach him, even though his opponent was out of breath from the effort to keep him.

"Penalty! Penalty for Gryffindor! I've never seen such a behavior!” Madame Hooch screamed, darting up while Draco was straddling his Nimbus 2001.

“You, scoundrel cheater!” wailed Jordan in the megaphone, hopping out of Professor McGonagall’s reach, “You, bastard impostor!”

Draco paid no attention to him, but he glanced where Hermione should’ve been to check her reaction. He had explained to her countless times that breaking a few rules, especially in Quidditch, made it more exciting and there was the ref to put everyone back in line, and although at first she didn’t seem very convinced, she had laughed at some of his shenanigans, but not this time, since the girl was gone with Pansy and with her his interest in winning the game.

[howcanisey]

stray kids :: to all the boys i've loved before

so this is the short drabble i did for this gif edit 👉👈 so i hope you like it ✨🗿

Bang Chan

This stupid little crush I have for Chan started because of the smallest things he notices when we're spending our time together but it only grew when he said out of nowhere "I love your laugh, you know?".

We were running late for school cause he had overslept but he keeps telling jokes on our way. "Now's not a good time for jokes, Chan," I tried to glare at him but his stupid cheesy joke kept replaying in my mind.

"What? It's cute," he smiled softly at me as if he just won an argument.

"I love your laugh" the words started spinning in my head that night and I knew that this is wrong. What I was feeling was wrong. And now every time I laugh I can hear Chan's sweet voice inside my head.

A silent knock on my door pulled me back to reality, trying to put everything on my box of letters, a familiar face popped in, "Your door's open. I've been knocking for like five minutes. What are you doing?" Chan asked trying to take a peep on my study table. I panicked.

Looking at the papers and envelopes on my table Chan quickly grabbed one. He raised it up far from my reach when he started reading the paper he took,

"Dear -" he started. "BANG CHAN!! If you don't stop it and give that to me this second I'm gonna-" I was so lost for words when he laughed.

"I was just kidding. Even if it's a love letter, I wouldn't read it unless it was written for me," Chan gave me the blank paper and sat on my bed, still laughing at my face.

I'm so dead.

Kim Woojin

Building a pillow fort and acting out as a panicked and outraged chickens was not exactly what I had in mind during Drama Class. We had to pair up and I got to be partners with Woojin. The Kim Woojin who juniors try to avoid because he seems to be the kid your parents warned you about.

Maybe he doesn't remember me but we met already during Middle School, he was just really nice and cool. Approachable as well. He even helped me out while carrying my classmates notebook in the teachers lounge. So I don't get why he suddenly look so dark and cold now that we're in high school. I guess people change so fast.

“Look, I know we don’t have to be friends, or anything. I was just... I need to pass this class, okay?” I whispered to him, he slowly nodded seeing the discomfort in my eyes when I avoided his gaze. Students throwing some sympathetic looks towards my direction.

 “Are you afraid of me?” he asked as he shuffled beside me.

"N-no. I mean why would I?" I stuttered in disbelief, as his face lit up into a small comforting warm smile. "Then why are you blushing?"

"I am not!" (cause you're so cool and scary at the same time) I whispered inside my head. "Just nervous that's all."

Who would've thought that the infamous Kim Woojin would be a total charmer? I did not expect that.

Lee Minho

“Wait, you have a crush?” I dropped the croissant I was about to eat. Nervously praying he didn't heard it all, I turned towards the voice behind me suddenly ending the phone call with my bestfriend.

Minho's eyes were sparkling with curiosity. “Who is it? Tell me!” He tried to grab my phone, but I was quick enough to hide it under my shirt.

"You know Minho, eavesdropping is a bad thing. And its much worse if you do that to me," I sulked nervously as he cupped both of my cheeks and stared into my panicked eyes.

Avoiding his gaze he answered, "Tell me! Who is it? Tell me! It will just be our secret," he smiled warmly like a kid discovering something for the first time.

"No! Shut up. You don't even know him," I lied through my teeth. "Jackson is upstairs. Go bug my brother not me" I peeled his hand away from my face before I melt under his stare.

"You owe me a croissant you dummy!" I sadly retorted picking the lonely food on the ground.

"Not until you tell me," he stole the food from my hand, and took a bite. "Tell me. I'm not leaving till you tell me," Minho teased again.

"Then stay. I AM NOT TELLING! JACKSON! MINHO IS HERE! Why do you have to be friends with someone so nosy," I tried to make a sad face but was returned with a giggle when Minho flicked my forehead and said, "I bet he's just a dumb kid."

"Yeah he is" I walked away. "Didn't know you would call yourself dumb, Minho" I whispered silently.

Seo Changbin

"I don't get it!" Changbin stared off at the distance.

I stared at the basketball team prepping up for practice. "Me neither," I answered. "Why did you call me here again?" I asked Changbin now looking at me, as if I offended his entire family.

"We're friends, right?" Changbin asked. I nodded unsurely, raking my last brain cells of all the possible reasons on why he would call me out of nowhere. Does he know that I like him even before he and Mina started dating? Or maybe because he heard me and Jisung talking about how awesome he would look if he had an undercut? Or did he found out about the drawings I did of him at Art Club?

Seo Changbin one grade ahead of me, we're not really friends. Actually he's one of the many ex boyfriends of my friend, Mina, now migrated to Canada.

"She left just like that" he continued.

Ahhhh he's here to rant about Mina. "You're an emotional disaster-" I tried to tell him but he cut me off.

"If you think I'm sad about her dumping me. I am not. I'm mad because she never gave me back my jacket, do you know how much that one cost me? Fortunes!!" Changbin shook the sense out of me when I started laughing at his face.

"You're kidding me right? You called me here? Leaving an ominous letter on my locker just to tell me that Mina never gave you back your jacket?!"

"Ominous? It was a short and precise invitation" Changbin scoffed.

"You. Meet me at the Gym. 3 p.m. Just you. -Seo Changbin" I read out loud.

"It's short." Changbin said now laughing at my flushed face.

"Yeah just like the person who wrote it!" I teased.

"Yaaah!" he tried to force a mad face at me but he kept laughing.

Hwang Hyunjin

History Class is one of my weakest point. Or maybe our teacher was just really bored teaching the subject. While Mr. Kim was trying to explain on god knows what, I tried myself to focus on the topic but i keep spacing out. Trying to distract myself I looked at my right side seeing Hyunjin building a small diorama of something made from rubber erasers.

A small laugh escape my lips when one of the erasers knocked down his hard work. He slowly laughed then louder. One of the most loudest laugh I have ever made, making everyone look our way.

"Mr. Hwang, care to explain what you and Miss ____ are doing at the back?"

"Wait, Mr. Kim! Why am I included?" I tried to reason out.

"Since the two of you are so absorbed with Mr. Hwang's little project there at the back. I expect the two of you to make an animated slideshow of our lesson for the next week," Mr. Kim grinned at us as if successfully passing the baton.

-------

Expecting it to be a disaster report, Hyunjin exceeded my expectations in making the assigned task. We started hanging out after class for almost a week and finished our slideshow preparation.

"I am Groot" Hyunjin started making the whole class boom in laughter. Mr. Kim, looked at me asking for an explanation. I smiled at him and answered, "as what Hyunjin said our report would be based from last week's lesson"

Hyunjin beside me, animatedly explained his whole script with the whole "I am Groot thing", while I answer him with explanations. Ironically, the whole room listened to us and are actively participating during the discussion.

"I am Groot" Hyunjin finished bowing and I did the same "I am Groot". The whole class clapped as we bowed, Hyunjin held my hand up, victoriously screaming "WE ARE GROOT!"

Han Jisung

I started to write my first letter after having a debate on whether I should tell Jisung or not this feelings I have.

How on earth did I ever crush on my very own bestfriend? Han Jisung. My Best friend. We're just kids. Wrong. Middle school is a tricky place and Jisung was always there by my side. I would watch him laugh mirthfully at silly things, as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

“You need to stop making that love sick puppy face at her all the time. It’s weird, and frankly kind of creepy, Han Jisung” I told him off as he stares again at his crush.

“Shhh just shut up," he jokingly pushed me lightly with that goofy in love smile he has on his face "You just don’t know anything about love.” He pouted, grasping his heart comically.

“First of all, as I've deduced while observing you, now I know it’s stupid and it's a waste of time competing for someone's attention."

"Heeeey!" Jisung violently reacted, still with that weird smile on his face. "Can't spell stupid without U and I, Heeeyyy!" he cheered pointing me then him.

"See, it's taking over you, silly." I forced a smile.

You see, everything about my best friend is just truly lovable. And it just so happens that he can never look at me the same way I'm feeling about him. So I'm trying to control this emotions I have. I don't want to lose someone like Jisung, even if it hurts so much, I'll smile at his stories when he openly talks about this girl he currently likes.

Lee Felix

"I-uh I had a good time... Tonight-uh with you." Felix deep voice stuttered with a smile. Honestly, I never thought I would make a single friend during Summer Camp. Besides the fact that my best friend bailed out on me after getting the flu, Jisung sucks at this kind of things. He may be energetic but he's a child and needs to be taken care of. And spending time with Felix, I realized that this is a breath of fresh air.

"Is it weird that I really want to kiss you right now?" he asked, scratching an invisible itch behind his ears.

"Then why don't you?" I challenged him, thinking it was a joke. You see, this kind of scene only happens in the movies, and I never thought it would happen to me in real life. Under the blanket of stars, our feet dangling just above the river dock. A perfect scene. This was it. My first kiss.

Like a slow motion in a crappy movie scene, Felix cupped my face gently, closing his eyes, my brain cells battled whether I should close mine too. Too late, he kissed me. Not what I expected but seriously, Lee Felix must be the softest guy I will ever meet in my life.

I soft laugh escape my mouth, "You're sweet, Felix. Really." I leaned on him closely and kissed his cheek lightly.

His freckled face started blushing, "I always thought forehead kisses are the sweetest."

"It is," I agreed smiling brightly at him. He returned with a smile brighter than the sun.

Kim Seungmin

"Watch out!" Was the last thing I heard before getting hit by a soft ball at the back of my head. When I woke up, I was already lying at the grass with Seungmin in front of me, fanning me with his cap. Seungmin the captain of our baseball team.

"Where am I?" I slowly sat up. "Am I dead? Are you an angel?" I eyed him closely searching for wings. I started checking my body for some injury when I felt short pain

"You're still in the park. Sory but I'm not an angel. Fotunately you're alive. The bad thing is that you're nape would hurt a lot for the next few hours." Seungmin gently placed an ice pack behind my head and continued, "You got knocked out pretty bad. Good thing the ball wasn't thrown too hard."

Before I got to reply, two little boys started running towards us with more ice. "Hyung is she gonna be ok?" Seungmin nodded.

"Noona you're not going to die, right?" the younger one asked. I looked at Seungmin wanting to know as well.

"You won't" he smiled gently. "The impact on your nape was just off. But if you feel nauseous we can go to the hospital"

With the word hospital, the two kids dropped beside me and hugged me in unison, "Noona we're so sorry. Please don't die"

----

The next school day, while walking towards our spot in track field, I heard someone scream "Watch out!" Instinctively I reached out for the incoming impact, closing my eyes half praying.

"Nice catch!" I heard Seungmin running towards us. I opened my eyes, seeing the ball on my hand, "I caught it?"

"Hey! It's you! How are you?" he smiled warmly at me and high fived me in the process of retrieving the ball. "See you later?" he asked.

Dumbfounded I nodded. "Since when did you and the Kim Seungmin knew each other?" Jisung asked.

Yang Jeongin

"Jeongin, for the nth time can you just focus on the problem instead of tapping your pen on the table? It's distracting." I exasperatedly pleaded. I shouldn't be here on Cram School but since I really wanted to go to my target university I have to deal with this. But why do I have to babysit someone instead of studying? Jeongin is a smart kid, but sometimes he gets way to distracted.

“I’m teaching myself French in one night. It’s going great.” Jeongin said out of nowhere.

"Shouldn't you be studying math, instead of French?" I pulled my hair out of frustration. "Didn't you say your finals are next week? And you have Math exams in two days?" I reminded him.

Jeongin stopped tapping and suddenly pushed his chair. He screamed into his hands like a dolphin trying to break out of water, laughing victoriously I tried to read equations to him. "I'm doomed!" earning a few glances from other students I told him to be quiet.

With that said he kneeled in front of his Math problems and said "Oh gods and godesses of Mathematics, save thy child. I’ve been in a state of panic for the last 61 years.”

"You're 16," I smack his head lightly. "Focus child!"

-----

"Hey, what am I supposed to learn for this again?" Jeongin asked.

"I don’t know. How to best deal with despair, probably.” I retorted humorlessy.

"You know what? You're my goddess from now on!"

"Flirt one more time, Yang Jeongin and I'm gonna make sure you fail this exam"

"Nooooooo!"

[spidxysense]

Back to You | 2

Summary: He broke your heart, but you’d always love him. Two souls that not even the universe could tear apart, even if you wanted it to at times.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

A/N: So I got to thinking, maybe I’ll do a schedule for new releases? I was thinking I’d update every Friday to Sunday, so I’d be updating a chapter either Friday night, Saturday or Sunday, just so it’s also easier on me since squeezing in 3 chapters in like a week was honestly so stressful. This chapter is also notably a lot longer than the other two since A LOT happened in this one. There’ll be a time skip in the next one, so watch out for that!!! I honestly love your responses! And rest assured that I read every single one, I just can’t reply since my dumbass self didn’t make this her main blog and I honestly can’t share my main blog. I honestly love hearing from you guys, feedback, reviews, I’ll take them all! Even notes on how I can make my writing better? Or whatever you guys can think of!

Word count: 5,413

Prologue | 1 | 2

"WELCOME HOME!!!!" Someone screeches in your ear right as you open the door.

"Holy fuck." You stare in awe and bewilderment at the house party currently going on inside the house you share with Troye.

It's been a few days and you'd just gotten back from LA and now all of this was happening.

"Y/N! Y/N!" You try to turn to find who was calling you, your luggage long forgotten.

You squint your eyes at Troye, jumping up and down on the table he made as a makeshift stage as he called your name on the mic.

You pull your luggage along and push your way past all the people in the living room, just barely making it to the table, "What the hell is going on?!"

He covers the mic with his hand, and crouching down to speak to you, "I wanted to host a listening party to my new unfinished album but things got a bit…"

"Out of hand?!" You complete his sentence for him.

He nods solemnly, "But isn't this great?! Just what we both needed!"

You can't say you feel the same, but you nod anyway, "Did you make sure nobody came in my room at least?"

"Totally!" He points up the stairs to you room, "See for yourself!"

You lift the luggage above your head, maneuvering around all the people in your house, and at a certain point, they even help you carry your luggage, getting it to the top of the staircase before you. Cheek to cheek pecks and quick hugs are exchanged as you try to find your way out of the groups of people in the living room and by the time you get out, it's as if you'd been dancing with them from all the panting you were doing when you grab your luggage again. You stop in front of your door, scoffing in disbelief, "Leave it to Troye to make my room look like a crime scene." You mutter to yourself as you begin tearing off the yellow and black striped tape labeled 'CAUTION: DO NOT CROSS' You lug your suitcase into your room, leaving it in the middle of the room as you jump into bed face first. Just when you're about to shut your eyes, you hear your door click open and a body sit next to you on the bed, you don't bother looking, you already know who it was.

He slaps your thigh hard and squeezes until your sitting up and glaring at him, an amused grin on Troye's face.

"Come downstairs and have fun with us." He whines.

You rolled your eyes, "I just came from LA, there have been numerous girls in cars screaming 'Spring Break' in my ear even though it's the middle of November. I think I'm good on the party lifestyle." You fall back down on the bed, shutting your eyes.

He gets up, not letting go of your hand, "Janet told me she gave you your phone after your beautiful best friend got it fixed for you."

You lift your head in Troye's direction, "And?"

He gives you a pointed look, "And are you sure you didn't spend the past three nights looking at old pictures of you two and listening to his voicemails as you cried and hugged your phone?"

Only one of those two things were right, "Joke's on you, I didn't open anything from him." I fish out the phone from my back pocket, throwing it his direction, "So in your face."

He claps his hands giddily, "This calls for celebration then!" He manages to pull you up, and throwing a dress he'd already had hung on a chair, "Get changed, and get moving, because we're ending this night laying on the floor."

"I don't have any other choice do I?"

He bit his bottom lip, looking like a kid excited to meet Santa, "Absolutely." He grabs your hands pulling you up, "And I have a really big surprise for you too!" He rushes out the door.

"HURRY UP OR I'LL COME IN THERE IN 10 MINUTES AND DRESS YOU MYSELF!" He calls out from behind him. You sigh, looking at the piece of work you had to work on.

"This is gonna need more than an hour to look even remotely presentable." You mutter to yourself with a sigh.

You walk out your room, looking down from where you were looking out at the people still partying inside the house, "There she is! I have missed this Y/N, it feels like years since I last saw her!" You hear Troye say into the mic from below you.

You give him a sarcastic smile, flipping him off. But the sudden commotion near the front door is enough to take your attention away from him, and widening your eyes in shock and disbelief, and before you can even look back at Troye, you let your feet drag you there yourself.

"What is Harrison doing here?!"

Troye rolls his eyes, clearly drunk, "I'm pretty sure I invited him via text half an hour ago-"

You pull Troye to the nearest unoccupied bathroom, "Have you gone batshit crazy?! Why the hell would you do that?!"

He pats your head, "Don't worry, I told him not to bring Tom. Y/N, Harrison is a whole snack, he is so foine, and so toight-"

You scoff, "And you thought that just because you told him not to bring Tom, he wouldn't?" You turn on the faucet, letting it run under your hand before whisking him in the face with the water in your hand.

He looks at you in realization, covering his mouth in shock, "Holy fuck. Did I just indirectly invite your ex-boyfriend to my house party?"

You sigh leaning on the bathroom counter, "This wasn't exactly the surprise I thought you had for me."

He shakes his head furiously, "No, no, no, no, no! My surprise was I'm including our little song that we never released! I was gonna have you sing with me! I already told everybody and everything!"

You grip on tight to the bathroom counter, "It'll be fine, I can stay in here for the rest of the night, you can sneak me cheese platters and check on me every hour or so, I can do this. I-I mean, seriously, I've probably done worse-" suddenly you feel a sharp pain across your cheek.

You stand there frozen, staring at Troye who was also frozen, his hand still in the position of the slap he just gave you, "Oh my god, I am so sorry." He clears his throat, standing up straight, "But you needed that.” He points a knowing finger in your direction, and all you can do is nod.

“If not now, then when?” He paces back and forth, “You can’t just keep avoiding him forever, aside from the fact that I wouldn’t let you in the first place, it’s just impossible. So in hindsight, you should be thanking me.”

You roll your eyes, “Oh my god, thank you SO much, Troye for inviting my ex’s best friend and inadvertently inviting my ex who I’m not even remotely close to getting over in the process.” You continue rambling, "Thank you for letting the only guy who's ever broken my heart into your humble abode, that's for inviting who just the other day, you told me to get over to your party." You were screaming by now, "Thank you so much because everytime I see him, all I can see is him and Zendaya, who by the way is one of the most beautiful people I've ever met so I don't know how I'll even ever compare to that-oh my god, I need to sit down." You grab onto the counter for support while taking deep breaths.

He gives you a sheepish smile, “Feel better about that little confession?” he crosses his arms, "You are way prettier than Zendaya. Trust me. I'm gay, so I'm pretty much an expert at judging other people based on appearance alone." He speaks in a matter of factly tone, handing you a paper shot cup, like the ones from the dentist's office. You take a whiff, pure tequila.

You peer up at him, wordlessly taking the cup and tossing your head back as you take the shot. You’re breathing heavy but the weight from your chest has definitely lifted, “Yeah that did it, definitely feeling a lot better.” You grab his arm, pulling him out with you. Suddenly, right when you were about to walk into the kitchen, a familiar beat plays, and you turn around to find Troye, on the table, another mic next to him on the stand as he starts singing, holding his hand out for you to take while singing the song.

Young ambition

Say we'll go slow but we never do

You grab his hand, letting him pull you up on the table with him.

Premonition

See me spendin' every night with you

Oh, yeah, under the kitchen lights

You still look like dynamite

And I wanna end up on you

Oh, don't need no place to go

Just put on the radio

You know what I wanna do

We can just dance to this

Don't take much to start me

We can just dance to this

Push up on my body, yeah

You know we've already seen all of the parties

We can just dance to this

We can just, we can just

Dance to this

Dance to this

We can just dance to this

He turns to you expectedly and you stick your tongue out at him grabbing the mic, still attached to the stand, tilting it over while singing and dragging it along with you as your shimmeyed closer to Troye.

Dear beloved

You face Troye, gesturing for him to come closer with your index finger.

Bring those 501s a bit closer, bit closer

And dear, my lover

Do that thing we never do sober, sober

Oh, yeah, under the kitchen lights

You join him for the chorus.

You still look like dynamite

And I wanna end up on you (yeah)

Oh, we don't need no place to go

Just put on the radio

You know what I wanna do

We can just dance to this

Troye grabs your hands, jumping up and down with you as you laughed and danced t the song, completely forgetting about the people watching you two.

Don't take much to start me

We can just dance to this

Push up on my body, yeah

You know we've already seen all of the parties

We can just dance to this

We can just, we can just

Dance to this

Dance to this

We can just dance to this

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride

We can just dance to this

Don't take much to start me

We can just dance to this

Push up on my body, yeah

You know we've already seen all of the parties

We can just dance to this

We can just

We can just dance to this

Don't take much to start me

We can just dance to this

Push up on my body, yeah

You know we've already seen all of the parties

We can just dance to this

We can just, we can just

Dance to this

Dance to this, love

Dance to this

We can just, dance to this

Dance to this, dance to this

We can just dance to this

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride (We can just dance to this)

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

I just wanna take that ride

We can just dance to this

I don't wanna sleep tonight-night-night-night-night

You lean against his back as you two finish the song, hugging after it’s done.

Troye gives you a pat on the back and a proud look, “Still got it, Y/N." He gives you a hip bump, "Alright, well it looks like you’ve earned yourself some alone time. Go on up ahead to your room, I can hold the fort down here, but I expect to see you later." He hands you a bottle of unopened tequila, "You better be shitfaced when I see you later."

You make your way around the house, deciding to do a quick walk around just to greet the people who came, taking the shots they offered you whenever they came up to you, and telling them you'd be gone for a bit to organize your luggage. You come across Harrison in the kitchen, leaning against the stove. At first you don't mind him, going forward, but a force pulls you back, making a double take.

"Don't come crying to us if this night ends with you on fire." You try to speak over the music.

He jumps slightly in surprise but eases up once he sees it's you, "Jesus, Y/N!" He leans over to hug you tightly, "Where the hell have you been?"

You rub the back of your neck, "I've been here and there. Sorting some things out." He nods silently.

"Well, Tom's here too! I hope you don't mind I brought him here with me."

You give him a small smile, taking the shot in your hand, "Can't avoid him forever." You laugh, shrugging, remembering the joint panic attack you and Troye just had in the bathroom a  hour ago.

Your eyes soften up, "H-how is he?" You stare down at your feet, suddenly nervous about the question, "Is he alright." If sounded more like a statement than a question, like you wanted him to be doing alright no matter what.

Harrison's face goes serious, "I don't know what to tell you, Y/N. I mean I could lie and tell you he cried for a few days and is now in the process of moving on, but if I'm being truthful here, he's an absolute mess." He sighs, running a hand through his hair, "It's hard enough just getting him out of bed. I mean, I don't blame you, he was an asshole, what you did wasn't exactly in the right either- you know what, this isn't even my business, so I'll keep out of it." He takes a sip from his red cup, "It was great seeing you again, Y/N."

"You're still the smartest person I know." You reach out for a hug.

He rubs your back, "Go talk to him, yeah?" He pats you on the back, "Sort this mess out, so I can hang out with the both of you again."

You give him a curt nod, you weren't really even sure you'd sort it out with Tom, and if you were being honest, part of why you even talked to all these people, walking around the house before retiring to your room was the small glimmer of hope you'd come across him. There was just too much emotion and issues there that you had no idea where to start to untangle. You turn around, walking out the kitchen, "Don't leave too many broken hearts behind you!" He calls out after you. You just laugh, turning to look at him, flipping him off.

Even Harrison knew the most obvious outcome of this breakup was that it was permanent. In your mind for the time being it was. It had to be, you were so sure of it that the scenario in your head when you see Tom again was you, acting aloof, keeping a strong footing as he asked to to get back together. But in the end, no matter how many scenarios you come up with, you don't know how it would end up between the two of you. Not anymore. Back then if you asked yourself that question you knew you and Tom would end up together, get married, have kids one day, and you'd live in London. But the you three or four months ago was someone different. The you back then had never even imagined Tom cheating on you was even remotely possible, the you back then loved him with so much more of your being, and you thought he did too.

You grab the doorknob to your room, turning it and pushing it open, but upon entry, a familiar melody drifts into your ears, a song written for only one person to hear besides you, and that person was standing here now, over by the window, staring down at the people below. You don't make a sound. Time seemingly flowing in slow motion as he turns around to face you. Thinking about this vs actually experiencing it was a stark difference. He looked tired, worn down, he looked like he had the world on his shoulders, like he hasn't been getting enough sleep, he was pale, and there was nothing you wanted more than to run in his arms and embrace him. Forget he ever cheated, forget he ever threw away all your feelings for him, forget he ever broke your heart, and just forgive him and love him without exception, but you don't because you know better and you remember everything. He was your world, but you had to love yourself more than the world ever could.

He played with the ring hanging from his necklace, the same one you left on top of the note you wrote him, "Y/N." His voice is hoarse as he walks to you with open arms, but you don't budge.

This feeling was strange, to have this person who you knew you loved, someone who you lived with and shared a home and life with for 2 years standing in this room that belonged to you, yet he looked like he didn't belong here. Like there was no place for him here, a complete stranger in a room that belonged to his other half.

He stops in front of you, clearing his throat when he realizes you weren't jumping into his arms, "I-I can't do this, Tom." You turn away from him as he furrowed his eyebrows and reaches out to grab your wrist.

"You can't." He sounds like he's on the verge of pleading, "You can't just leave me again." Tears were threatening to form in your eyes as he reaches out to hold your hands.

You pull them away, "You can't do this now." You put distance between you two, "It's not fair-"

He gives you a hurt look, "What's not fair is leaving in the middle of the night." He wipes his eyes, "What's not fair is refusing to take any of my calls and hiding out with Troye while I held out some hope that we'd get to talk about what happened like adults, I had no idea where you went, if I'd ever even see you again. I came home, Y/N. I stayed with you, and you wrote me a note and left me. We were going to talk about it in the morning-"

"Staying with me isn't going to fix the problem, Tom." You feel your eyes sting with tears, "No amount of talking between us would have solved this." You gesture towards the space between you two, "We were headed in different directions and you were just the first to do something about it to make it all the more obvious." You blink back the tears.

He reaches out again, grabbing your hands and this time you don't have the strength to pull away, "I love you, Y/N." He looks you straight in the eyes, "I have never loved anybody more than I love you."

"I know." You pause, taking a deep breath, "There's not a bone in my body that doesn't believe you do." You smile sadly at him, "But it's not the same anymore."

The tears fall down your cheeks as you hold his cheek in you hand, "I love you, Tom." He leans towards your touch, "But I can't be with you right now." You pull back your hand but he grabs it in time.

"No, no, no, no, no." He pulls you closer by the wrists, he rests his forehead on yours, his eyes shut as tears streak down his cheeks, "Come home. Come back home and be with me and-and we'll fall even more in love with each other." He whimpers, "Just don't leave me." He whispers, "We can slow dance in the kitchen, we can get more dogs, we'll watch your favorite romantic movies, we can kiss under the rain, we'll spend everyday together and we'll cuddle every night, we can  travel the world, go anywhere you want to go, leave this whole thing behind, and we will just be us and I will love you so much more."

You feel the tears down your cheeks, words that had they been said to you months before, you would have jumped at the chance to make them come true, but that was then and this is now.

"We can't do that, Tom." You shake your head smiling sadly at him as you wiped his face free from tears, "I love you more than anything." You clutch the back of his head tight, "But we have careers. You're you, and I'm me, and a lot of people in the world are counting on us. We-we can't just leave that behind."

He grabs your face in his hands, softly, like he'd break you if he applied any pressure, "I didn't mean to hurt you." He sighs, "I just want to be with you so much."

"I know." You place your hands over his, pulling them down and away from your face, "But you did." You don't let go, "But we need to find who we are, I need to find who I am, and I can't do that if all I do is depend on you to be that defining factor of me."

"I'd follow you anywhere." He pleads, "Just be with me and I'll make sure you're happy, whatever you need to grow, as long as you stay with me."

You smile sadly at him, "In any given situation, Tom, I would absolutely love that. But the fact that you'd even be willing to let down all these people who are counting on you and who look up to you is proof enough that we both have some growing up to do." You caress his cheek, "But not together, not with each other, and when the day comes that we've both grown, a little wiser beyond our years, and we meet again, I think by then we'll both really know."

He shuts his eyes, savoring the moment, "C-can I kiss you?" He blinks a few times then adds, "For the road."

And you giggle, because that's what Tom always said before kissing you one last time before he had to go off and travel, you giggled because in that moment it was you two, just the two of you from months and years back when you knew and felt in your hearts that the two of you would end up together, when all you knew was loving each other, days when it was just you and him and nobody else, when things didn’t matter. You bit you lip, smiling nodding before he's leaning in. The kiss that you wished lasted a lifetime, at first both of you were smiling, but then, you felt tears coming from your eyes as you realized, this may be the last kiss you'd ever have with Tom, and you think he felt it too, because he was crying as well. You pull away first, his eyes glazed over, "I love you." He rests his forehead on your again before sighing, "I should probably get going." He sniffles, "I literally only came here to talk to you." He smiles sadly, his jacket in his hand, giving you a small wave, "I'm not giving up on us, Y/N."

You maintain the curt smile, giving him a tiny wave back, but when  the door closes, you collapse on your knees, sobbing. This was supposed to help you feel better, it was supposed to feel liberating. But why did it feel wrong to let him go? You eye the abandoned tequila bottle on the carpeted floor and you take a deep breath, reaching over for it as you sat against your bed, slouching as you take a swig from the bottle.

It's been a couple of hours and the tequila bottle had been long abandoned an hour ago, instead you broke into your small case of wine from under you bed and now here you were, laying on your floor, halfway through your 2nd bottle of wine. A small couple of knocks brings your attention to the door. Troye peaks his head in.

"Hey." He gives you a sweet smile, "I saw him coming from here. I've already kicked everyone out. I thought I'd give you some time. Do you want more time?"

Suddenly you face contorts into all kinds of pain as you shake your head, "I need you " you cry.

He doesn't say a word, laying down next to you on the floor as the song plays in the background.

"Do you miss him?"

You stare straight up at the dimmed light, nodding your head silently.

"Did you get back together with him?"

You shook your head.

"Does it hurt?"

"So much." You barely manage to whisper.

He sighs, reaching for your hand and intertwining it with yours, "Good. That means you're living life."

You stay silent letting the song flow from your laptop, he takes a swig from your wine bottle, "Is this one of your new songs?"

You shook your head, this song was probably 2 years old, "I wrote it for him." You shut your eyes, letting the sound of your love fill your quiet room.

You remembered the day you first played this song. It was a month after Tom first said he loved you and you just replied with a thank you even though you already knew back then you felt the same.

2 years ago

You watch Tom get frustrated with the sink in your tour bus. It was the second to last month of tour and he'd be with you for the rest of the week, and things seemed tense with him. You stand up from your seat and walk over to him, hughing him from behind amd pecking him on the neck, "Hey." You whisper, "Are you okay?"

He sighs, "The bloody sink is just annoying me." He groans, walking away from you.

You furrow your eyebrows, "Well if I knew any better, I'd say you were pissed at me."

He was sat on the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose, he stands up, and stops in front of you, "Do you remember what I told you last month?"

You open your mouth in confusion, "We said a lot of thing last month." You place your arms on his shoulders, pulling him closer, "Come on, don't be mad at me." You peek up at him, meeting his eyes.

He sits you two down, facing each other, "Last month, I told you I love you. If I'm being honest I already knew it before I even said it, but it was a huge leap of faith that I took because I was absolutely terrified of saying it to you, and you said, 'Thank you'." He looked upset.

"Tom-"

"I don't know what that thank you meant to you, but to me, it was a rejection, that you didn't love me back." He sighs, "I thought maybe you needed some time, a couple of weeks to think it over, but it's been month and I think you really only meant it as a thank you." Tom was definitely annoyed.

"I just want everything to be perfect." You try to reason, "I want this whole week to be perfect." You emphasize.

"It's fine even if I just hear you say it, Y/N." He states point blank.

You gulp, you already knew Tom was pretty annoyed, but you really did want it to be perfect, you'd been preparing for it for a month or two now and to just say it now would be a complete waste of time, you were sure it was worth it, no matter the consequences.

He stares at you for a few more seconds before standing up, "Why does everything have to be perfect with you?" His eyebrows were furrowed and he was frowning all around you, as he gestures all around the room, "Why can't you just for once, accept that things in the world just aren't perfect and they don't have to be? I told you I loved you in that moment because if I didn't tell you any sooner, it felt like my heart would explode, because it was what I felt. But here you are worrying about the damn weather or whatever instead of worrying about getting the message across."

"Tom-"

He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs, pacing, "I can't do this right now. I only get a week with you and I can't spend it mad at you." He rushes out the tour bus.

"Is there a reason you guys brought me here when I should be on my way home now?" You hear him ask the security personal.

You were sat at the piano, and right when the curtains opened, you began playing, singing along to the tune with a song you'd been working on for the past few months.

For you, there'll be no more crying.

For you, the sun will be shining.

And I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right.

To you, I'll give the world.

To you, I'll never be cold.

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right.

By this time, Tom's sat in one of the seats, his arms crossed in front of his chest and his eyes glued on you

And the songbirds are singing, like they know the score.

And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before.

You peak over at him, his eyes turning soft and a huge grin slowly growing from the tight line he had his mouth in earlier.

And I wish you all the love in the world.

But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing, like they know the score

He approaches the stage, stopping when he's standing next to the piano, as he stares at you and studies your face, a soft smile still gently lingering on his face.

And I love you, I love you, I love you

He reaches out, pushing your hair behind your ear as he caresses your cheek as you played the piano, "I love you so much, Y/N."

Like never before, like never before, like never before.

When the song finishes, you grab his hand on your cheek, "I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you." You bring his hand towards your heartbeat, "But because this-" you point to your chest, 'and this-" you gesture towards your the side of your head, tapping it, "Don't get along sometimes, talking to you about how I feel or telling you I loved you seemed impossible, but I'm really trying my best." You cry, "And since I couldn't tell you, I thought I'd just say in through a song, but it took me months to finish it and I know it's sloppy and I could have made it longer-"

"I love it." He kisses you, "And I love you most of all." He kisses you over and over again all over your face, squeezing your hand in his.

You're staring down at your hand, intertwined with Troye's, "Do you think I made the right choice?" Looking at both your hand in his, it almost looked like Tom's and yours whenever you held hands, except Troye's hand was very dainty and feminine.

He sighs,"I honestly don't know." He squeezes your hand, "But I know for a fact that you did the right thing for yourself." He gives you a reassuring smile, "And that's enough for me to know that my best friend is going to be alright."

The silence between the two of you is comfortable, "Y/N." Troye speaks softly, wiping your eyes for you.

"Hmm?" You look him in the eyes, light blue, like the sky on a clear day.

"Do you still love him?"

You smile sadly, "Yeah." You pause, "I still do, and I think I always will."

[littleredroseonthevalley]

10 Tips for Dating an Older Guy

This is a sequel for The Morning After. Reader caution is advised.

Many ideas came to mind for my first column here in Cosmo. When I was hired, my editor told me ‘oh, Emily, just write about what does it means to be a woman in 2022’.

I’m pretty sure she meant sex tips.

And while this might be relevant, I don’t believe it is what I really have to offer to my readers. That is not to say I don’t have quite a few tips about more… light, engaging subjects, but I have other plans for my debut.

I am going to tell you about what it means to have a relationship with an older man.

Today, I'm the happiest I've ever been. The age gap is 28 years - I know, it seems very scandalous. I finished high school and went straight into university. I met Dorian Delacroix while I was on my sophomore year. He was developing a project near my home, and if I’m being really honest here, I hated his balls so bad when I first met him. Everybody says he has a creepy aura around him, and I kind of agree, honestly.

It took quite some time, and a lot of insistence on his part, for me to be able to look past it, and I am glad that I did. I would be lying if I told you Dorian is sweet or loving, but he is intense. Everything he does, he takes to the last consequences, and there is something enthralling about his approach to life, something powerful, virile.

During the beginning of us living together it felt as though I was a ghost in his home; he would be busy with work, yelling on the phone and I'd just be trying to zone it all out. But now whenever we're together, he answers the phone and tells people he'll call them right back and that he's with someone very important. I love that, especially because Dorian doesn’t stop for no-one.

And here is my first tip: older men usually already have a life plan. While he will make room for you if he loves you, he's not really going to change his ambitions and goals for a relationship.

Families might pose a difficulty. Dorian’s son, Sebastian, and I were college colleagues and we did not see eye-to-eye most times. We were starting to get along on my sophomore year, but when I started dating his father, it all went down, fast. We fought, and we said some nasty things about each other, but at the end of the day, we both wanted to make it work, make us work as some kind of weird family. And it did.

It was with him I learnt the second lesson of the day: There's a big part of his life you missed, and he might not tell you much about it. Okay, you don't know if you should know every detail of his past, but you're curious. It’s natural. But remember you just got into his life, sometimes things run deeper than you realize. You can ask and pry, but when in doubt, let sleeping dogs lay.

Older men usually are seen as a father figure. When we go out, on more than one occasion someone asked if I was his daughter. This comment might make him and even you feel insecure. The important thing is how you two feel about one another and the good times you share. And don’t call him an “old man”, even if you’re joking; it will only make matters worse!

Speaking of the past, it's safe to assume he's dated and hooked up with a lot of girls. This comes with age. My man was always a bit of a horndog, himself, so it was a bit of a challenge for me. But, eventually, you realize that they are the past and you are the present, if you let yourself be. You might not want to dig up the archives, though.

And I couldn’t forget to mention my father’s look when I told I was dating Dorian! I hid from my family as long as I possibly could, but eventually they came over for a surprise visit on the last day of my junior year. The problem was, they went to my old house, with my former housemates that weren’t all that happy with me.

Since disaster never comes alone, that day happened to be one Dorian got off work for an out-of-hour ‘celebration’, so when my parents came knocking, he answers the door on his underwear and a robe. I think my father narrowly escaped a stroke that afternoon, perhaps out of sheer willpower and a murderous rage against what he called ‘a pedophile trying to corrupt [his] daughter’.

After a long shouting match, and some time not speaking with each other, me and my parents made up. Dorian’s not holding his breath for a Christmas invite, but we all managed to be civil.

In those cases, my only advice is to persevere. Take it in stride. I know it is annoying, but your folks say what they say and do what they do because they care for you. You don’t have to listen but try not to ask too much of them, either. Include them into your life whenever they feel comfortable, and don’t feel hurt when they aren’t.

And, when they inevitably say: ‘But you are so much younger than him!’, pretend to do the math and answer, perplexed, ‘You’re right!’. The ‘fuck you’ face your mother’s going to give you is priceless.

I am sad to say, however, that my friendships did not fare well in face of my boyfriend choices. Honestly, I take the blame for that. I was on a semblance of a relationship when I met Dorian.

Me and my ex knew each other from freshman year, and we had built quite a life together, including an extensive friend circle. And if me and my ex had broken up properly, if I had waited for a while before I eloped with Dorian, perhaps our friends could get used to the idea, perhaps I could have saved us the heartbreak.

But Dorian is a man of action. I am sure that if I did not call him when I did, he would storm into my house to confront me, and that likely would have ended very worse. Older men are like that. You will know who he is and what he wants right from the get go. He knows what he likes and doesn’t like, and he is stubborn, unbending. His ease and confidence will be a breath of fresh air, though coexistence might prove challenging.

Though, to be fair, for all his decisiveness, I struggled for making him put a ring on it. He had just ended a long marriage, and he wasn’t about to make it official with anyone else. That might be a challenge you face. I mean, when you come across an older man and learn he’s single, have you ever found yourself saying to your friends, “There’s a reason he’s alone and still single”? There’s always a reason, but the best thing is not to push. If it’s meant to be, it will be. For now, have fun and see where it might lead.

Now, you might ask, what about the sex? That’s okay, if you follow my example and find your own experienced partner in life, you should beware this is usually the first question people ask.

I’m not going to lie: it’s different, and it might get some getting used to, but it is always mind-blowing. For a younger guy, you’ll likely be just another notch on his bedpost, somebody that can be the love of his life just as likely as some one-night stand. With Dorian, however, every quickie seems to be a passionate session of lovemaking. And man, I thank my stars every night because Dorian have a super-human sex drive. And stamina.

And it takes a lot less preparation. They don’t mind the bush.

As tricky as it can be at times to maintain your sanity in a relationship with someone older, if you love the guy as a person then it’s worth it. Not only has it taught me patience (which isn’t easy), but I’ve always been free to express myself and simply be me. He’s accepting.

Plus, it’s opened me up a whole network of people I wouldn’t have met and experiences I wouldn’t have otherwise had, which I feel has matured me a bit too. That’s not to say that I don’t act my age (trust me, my friends have the Snapchats to prove it), but I like that my relationship allows me to grow into the person I want to be.

Confrontation - Masterlist

Next installment: Confrontation -  Sebastian

[passionpitobsession]

Hellos! Yours truly is back again with another fic list! it’s been about two months since the last one and I think it’s about time for another one haha enjoy! again, here’s my fic rec page 

Post I

Post II

Post III

under the cut are the most recent fics I’ve read ever since the last post :)

All of This Time by  @feels-overloaded

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec was bad at being subtle. He was worse at being collected, more so than ever since Magnus Bane entered his life. Their first interaction at a cafe, to fate forcing them to be roommates. all Alec could do was fall deeper for this man. Pining silently was okay, but maybe storming off slamming the door on Magnus for no absolute reason didn't exactly scream 'I'm not in love with you'. Alec wasn't sure what he was doing. But maybe, just maybe, the storming off did help.

To protect by @katychan666

Rating: Teen 

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec likes lazy mornings like that; Magnus asleep by his side, not a worry on his mind. Bonus points if a lazy morning like that includes a sleeping Magnus gripping tightly onto the Omamori charm, breakfast in bed and a lot of sappy words.

Lifeline by ifallonblackdays_fics

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Is Magnus the type of boyfriend who sneakily spells Alec's gear with protective wards?"

Lockdown by @247malec

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 5 & complete

Summary: What's worse than being stuck in a 24 hour Institute lockdown? Being stuck in one with your ex boyfriend, his family and lots of opinions.

My Forever by @sfjessii

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: He only becomes aware of his tears dripping from the tip of his nose when he notices them falling on Magnus’ face. His chest is excruciatingly tight, his body colder than it’s ever been, an inexplicably ominous sadness creeping in and taking a hold of him. And he hates being so weak, so useless and helpless and guilty. But none of it is any help to Magnus, so he shoves it all deep down and tries to smile at him instead, when inside, every part of him is wailing.

each soul journeys alone by paperiuni

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec take the long way home, but get there in the end.Or, Renaissance geniuses, night rain, hand-kissing, duty and love, Brooklyn Bridge, quiet revolution, and Alec giving Magnus everything he deserves.

Breathe Again by claryharry

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec take that boiling hot bath that was mentioned in 2x20. (Post 2x20 fic).

Read Me Like A Fairytale by @beautifuldinosaur

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec enjoys reading. He finds a book in Magnus' library that puts things in perspective.

Plus One by @imawriteriwrite

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 3 & complete

Summary: When Alec’s invite arrives for his brother’s wedding, he allows his best friend Magnus Bane to convince him to check “plus one”, insisting he’ll find a date by then. Only, he doesn’t. Clearly, the only thing to do is bring Magnus to the wedding as his fake boyfriend. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Take Me Away by @kayefraser

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Sometimes, Alec needs to get away. And every time, Magnus is happy to oblige.

Need some sleep by Thunderstormwithoutrage

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: He watched the rain break through the heavy grey clouds, falling down on the people gathered around the grave, adding to the salted pearls already rolling down his cheeks. The grave was a dark grey, but didn't have any words on it. He felt a hand grab his arm before pulling him away from the people. He then felt a slap on his face, strangely not hurting as much as it should have. The words that followed, on the other hand, felt harsher than anything.

Worthy Of Us by @aleclightwoodisasaltybae

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have things to talk about, and while Magnus is used to do all the talking, he sometimes forgets that choosing the right words is really important.Especially in front of a very insecure Shadowhunter.Post 2x20 end scene, Alec is insecure, Magnus loves him very much.

They're in love, why won't they just admit it? by Olive_Kacey_Fairfox

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have been friends since kindergarten, When Magnus moved in with Alec directly after highschool, no one was surprised. They'd all seen it coming. No one was surprised that they acted like a married couple either. They'd been so in love for so long that it was getting tiring waiting for them to finally get together. In fact, everyone was wondering how it would happen at this point. Clary thought something beautiful and tragic would make them confess their undying love and Simon thought that the sexual tension would blow up in their faces and they'd end up banging in a semi public place.

I'll look after you by MynameisTyberia

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus severely disliked the fact that Alec was a magnet to every single Downworlder in existence. He understands that Alec is a strong, well-trained Shadowhunter who can make any Downworlder scream in pain, but that doesn’t mean that Magnus doesn’t want to keep him completely safe and protected.

While I'm Alive by @beautifuldinosaur

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus finds himself in Alec's office where his insecurities to get the better of him. Alec shows him what he's been up to and how much he loves Magnus.

Only Thoughts by @magnnsbane

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: When Alec turns back to him, there's nothing else he sees. Still, he lets Magnus approach him. He waits only so long as there's distance before palms find the curve of Magnus’ hips.“You hungry?”Alec blinks to take in the question. “You think I'm thinking about food?”

feelings that we hide by malecyday

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus and Alec have been neighbours - and best friends - for years. Through rough days at work, to adoption, the two have been through a lot together. All they have to do now is face the feelings that they hide.

Call Me Your Darling by @milkteamiku

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec secretly likes it when Magnus calls him "darling", so when he suddenly stops, Alec takes notice.

Red Velvet by @spookyaleclightwood

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Drunk Ice Cream Man is an urban legend in Brooklyn who bears a striking resemblance to Alec.

you're in my chair by mcgnusbane

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “Uhh, Magnus?” Alec started slowly, while eyeing up the girl that Magnus apparently knew so well. “Who is this?”Everyone nodded in agreement, the suspense becoming too much.“This is Aurora…my sister,”Or the one were the gang meet Magnus' sister.

Not Ready to Lose You by @gothic--fairy

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “Magnus!” Alec could pinpoint the exact moment when Magnus lost consciousness, his knees giving up under the weight of his body. The rift was closed, thanks to his magic, but the demon managed to escape, almost taking Magnus with him. 

Always by @wonderdaysoflunacy

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Magnus realised that he would do anything to take Alec’s pain away, to make his angel feel safe. That he would move the stars themselves if it meant that Alec was safe, if it meant that Alec was loved."

An ice cream gets you a (fake) boyfriend by domoiswatchingyou

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: The thing about long and annoying days is that you just simply want it to end. That's it. That's the whole thing and the idea of getting surprises it's not appealing. That's what Magnus was thinking the moment he entered the ice cream shop.

high as a pretty star by dastardlywords

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus is always beautiful, but he's otherworldly like this—raw with passion and looking at Alec like he's something worthy.

forces on the heart by @mel-iorn

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Shit - falling for Izzy’s professor was definitely not on the explicitly detailed itemized list of responsibilities for covering her advanced physics class this week.

Beloved little Blueberry by ComatoseSkyy

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “NO! NO!!! Daddy doesn’t love me. Daddy hates me. Daddy hates me because I am a downworlder!”Blueberry cried out, shocking both Alec and Magnus in their places. Both adults froze, Magnus’s eyes were wide opened and Alec felt like he had been hit by Isabelle’s whip in the face. Magnus started to get up but Alec was left frozen in place when their son stomped out of their living room into his room shared with Rafeal, crying out “I want RAFA!!!” all on the way…

Easy A by quite_magical

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 17 & complete

Summary: Alexander Gideon Lightwood has always lived life by the book. He is the responsible big brother, dutiful son and honor student. He graduated high school at the top of his class, even got named valedictorian for graduation.What will happen when he falls in love with his new college professor?

You are mine by AthenaReigns

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "Alec scowled darkly down at the beer bottle sitting in front of him, hazel eyes flickering from it to the hand that was running up and down Magnus’ arm. Long, pale fingers angry picked at the label on the bottle as he remembered how he ended up sitting on the opposite side of the bar in Pandemonium."Tensions rise when Magnus helps the Shadowhunters gather information on a string of murders, revelations are made and Alec feels what it is really like to be jealous.

Agony by choppyVy

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: 2x15 Filler: Alec stays the night, makes sure Magnus is not left alone with the memories of his past. Third and final installment in this mini-series.

I love you (despite the blood on your hands) by @bettypeace

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: His boyfriend is a mob boss. Alexander – awkward, sweet, thoughtful – is a mob boss. How is this his life?

The Right Price by Marie_Tomas

Rating: Teen 

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus Bane has worked as a lawyer for several years, taking his job very seriously. The Lightwoods have always been one of his major professional rivals in the city, but this hasn't stopped Magnus from falling in lust, and a little in love, with one particular member of the Lightwood family, Alec Lightwood.When shy, nervous Alec asks Magnus for his help with representing one of the Lightwoods' clients, Magnus makes a joking, flirty comment about what he would expect from Alec in return for a victory in the courtroom. A major misunderstanding happens as a result.

Just a Kiss by @booingalec

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "You are coming to the Mets game with Clary and me," he said, as though it was already fact. Alec stared at him blankly, wondering why in the world Jace would assume that he would just automatically agree to go watch a sport that he had absolutely no interest in when he could be doing other things that didn't involve dealing with large crowds of people and being social."Since when?" Alec asked, almost amused at Jace's certainty. He was a very hard person to convince when he didn't want to do something, and all of his siblings, and basically anyone who knew him at all, were well aware of that. He wondered what was up Jace's sleeve that had him looking so smug."Since I invited Magnus and told him that you were coming along."

Angels Do Exist! by @katychan666

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec, a ballet dancer, injures his knee in one of the practices and needs a surgery. The surgery goes well and as he’s waking up from the surgery and is still high on medication, he meets a pretty angel named Magnus and doesn’t want to let go of that perfect creature.

Unsteady by @asexualalexanderlightwood

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Another fake dating au! Alec is alone at a bar, waiting for Jace, when his ex walks in. Who will be there for Alec when Raj finally spots him?

Dancing Away by Keraell

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: One shot of what would happened if Alec walked into Magnus' loft earlier that evening to see his boyfriend dance with Dot? What would happened if Alec made wrong assumptions about what he saw?And then got reckless?

don't break my faded heart by @veronicaesque 

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: It's not entirely unheard of for a Shadowhunter to be in Pandemonium, but it is unusual for one to be here alone. Magnus will have to deal with that, but not yet. He's having too good a time.

Scratches by 46captain46

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: After fighting about a dozen of demons, the pair goes home, with Alec's arm dripping blood. Tension hangs in the air, will they act on it and say what they have been feeling since they came back?

Anything for the Birthday Boy by @wiredinthesky

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: It's Alec Lightwoods birthday and all he wants to do is spend a lazy morning with Magnus. How can you refuse the birthday boy?Shameless little birthday romp because Alec and Magnus deserve to spend all of their immortal-husband birthdays celebrating with each other!

Lights Down Low by eddiesspaghetti

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec had been dreaming about Magnus' beautiful eyes when he was gently shaken awake, his name being whispered softly, like a memory of the word. But Alec recognized Magnus' voice almost immediately, and reached his arms out for his boyfriend.Alec pouted and heaved out a whiney sigh when Magnus didn't fall into his arms."I'm sorry. But you have to get up. I have a surprise."Alec mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes like a small child. When he finally pried his eyes open, Magnus was there, leaning over the bed. His black hair was still gelled up, although some of it was falling onto his forehead, and his eyes shimmered in the silvery glow of the moon.

You'll Never Be Alone by @malec-acolytes

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec hates tomato sandwich's but he can't stop taking the tomato and cheese sandwiches his overly attractive neighbour offers him. (AU)

Ocean Heart by @warlocksass

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus loves watching the sea, it reminds him of home. And he's never been bothered as he sat there on the beach until Alexander comes along.

Who wants to live forever? by @like-a-bucky

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: The first white hair Alec spotted in his messy dark locks one morning, in the foggy mirror of the bathroom right after his shower, nearly made him cry. Heart dropping, throat drying up suddenly, the Shadowhunter took a closer look as he tried to keep breathing and not dissolve into sobs.

The Intern by Master of Unlocking (Hikarinimichitasora)

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: “You’re a sexual harassment case waiting to happen, you know that don’t you?” Catarina says by way of greeting. Magnus tears his eyes away from the way the intern is licking powder sugar off his full lips.

Hey, Good Lookin' (Whatcha Got Cookin?) by claryharry

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec tries to cook steak. Emphasis on the word "tries."

thoughts that go like bullets through you (the time you told me that you wish you were dead) by @baneofbrooklyn

Rating: Mature

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: alec finds out his father has been cheating on his mother and finds comfort in magnus in his office at 1 am after the party. (takes place post-2x08).

Silly Boyfriends Arguing Over Silly Things (A Malec Story) by EmilyRLightwood

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Four short scenes in which Alec and Magnus find themselves bickering about silly things. There is constantly glitter where Alec doesn’t want it and Magnus’s body can be quite distracting…

Love The Way You Move by LightOfBane100

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec finds Magnus dancing in the kitchen. Dancing and lots of fluff ensues. Also, it's TV show malec but i wanted to add chairman meow and church coz they are too adorable for me to exclude them.

Those eyes by Zula_blue

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec asks Magnus to show him his eyes without a glamour

Mr Lightwood Will See You Now by ConeyIslandBlitz

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec and Magnus have a one-on-one.

eyes on fire by amoralec

Rating: Explicit

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Magnus gets Alec wound up in the middle of a Downworlder meeting

Your hands are tough (but they're where mine belong in) by @seeliebookclub

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Inspired by Todd Slavkin's tweet about Malec in the kitchenJust some of everyone's fave Soft Domestic Boyfriends™

Antihistamine by @tinylilemrys

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec's first thought upon seeing the flowers is panic (Who left these? How did they get in here? Why would the intruder leave flowers of all things?), but when he turns off his Shadowhunter brain long enough to take a look at the card, he's pleasantly surprised to find that the mysterious flowers are from Magnus. It's the most thoughtful, beautiful gift anyone has ever given him.Unfortunately, because the universe is cruel, he’s also deathly allergic to them.

Come Back To Me by @vannita22

Rating: N/A

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Malec prompt: Magnus losing control over his magic and Alec having to help talk him down or whatever and when Magnus comes out of it he freaks out because holy shit he could have hurt/killed Alec and angst turned fluff lol

read me, you know how i feel by @queerindigo

Rating: Teen

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: "I'm tired," Alec stated. "I'm tired, and it's six in the morning, and we have a dead man with no ID."Magnus continued to smile. "I can think of less fun things," he said.

The Advantages of Gift Giving by predilection

Rating: General Audience

Chapter(s) & Status: 1 & complete

Summary: Alec learns that Magnus isn't used to receiving gifts. Naturally, he decides to do something about this.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 9/4/20 – TENET! MULAN! I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS (but now that I’ve seen Tenet and Mulan, I’m better)… and More!

It’s Labor Day weekend… it is, isn’t it? I can’t even remember what day of the week it is anymore, and it looks like movie theaters across the country are generally all reopened except for a few specific areas. While theaters seem to be playing a variety of old and new movies – and Chadwick Boseman’s breakout 42, in which he plays Jackie Robinson, will be shown in 300 AMC theaters starting Thursday --  it still feels like we’re not quite where we should be. That said, only three states remain fully closed as far as movie theaters go: New York (eff you, Cuomo!), North Carolina and New Mexico. California is slowly rolling out movie theaters reopening in certain sections but not in L.A. or San Francisco just yet. Honestly, I’m having a rough week, and I’ll be surprised if I even get through half the movies that I have seen and planned to review, let alone everything else I have to do.

Finally! The movie that’s looking to be one of the most controversial movies of the summer, if not the year, comes to the United States. Of course, I’m talking about Christopher Nolan’s TENET (Warner Bros.), his tribute to James Bond movies with John David Washington (BlacKkKlansman) playing a super-spy (of sorts) who teams with Robert Pattinson to perform intricate heists on a mission to find out who has discovered bullets that travel backwards through time and brought them back into our time. Also starring Elizabeth Debicki and Kenneth Branagh, the movie has received mixed to positive reviews with about 76% on Rotten Tomatoes. You can read my full review right here and a second technical review here.

Right now, it looks like Tenet is going to be playing in roughly 3,000 theaters over Labor Day weekend with only a few states fully closed including my own (New York), as well as North Carolina and New Mexico. A few other states like New Jersey and Maryland are reopening but it may be too late to get Tenet in there. California has a few areas open but not Los Angeles or San Francisco.

Although I’m hesitant at making any predictions right now or doing a full-blown analysis – there so many unknowns in a pandemic -- I think a four-day opening of somewhere between $25 and 28 million should be possible even with limited seating in most theaters that have reopened. I think people are ready to go back to theaters despite the negative narrative created by certain irresponsible film critics who seem to care more about their own personal health than that of the industry that has allowed them to pay rent and live large for years.

Another movie that I’ve been looking forward to and actually my most anticipated movie of the year is Disney’s live action remake of their animated classic, MULAN, this one directed by one of my favorite filmmakers, Niki Caro of Whale Rider fame. I cannot tell you how excited I was to finally see this movie after being invited to a press screen back in March, and then have it systematically cancelled as everything else started shutting down. Fortunately, I got a screener and while not my favorite way to watch a movie, I absolutely LOVED IT!

It stars Yifei Liu as the title character, made famous in the 1998 Disney animated movie, and it follows a similar story of a teen girl who steals her father’s sword and armor and pretends to be a man to join the Imperial Army under secrecy. There are definitely major changes in Caro’s version, most notably the lack of songs and no sign of Mushu, the adorable dragon voiced by Eddie Murphy. This is also not meant for small children, because it’s PG-13 not because it has anything terrible like someone waving genitals or swearing but because some of the action does get intense without much blood or anything terrible. I mean, this is definitely a SOFT PG-13, if that’s even a thing.

The movie is gorgeous and in the vein of movies I love like Zhang Yimou’s Hero and Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and it’s even exec. produced by Bill Kong, who produced many of those films. The point is that I love these kinds of movies, plus I’ve long been a fan of Caro’s, and everything just comes together beautifully from the performance by Yifei Liu to the fantastic characters around her, including ones played by Jet Li and Donnie Yen (reuniting from Hero!), as well as an amazing witch played by the indelible Ms. Gong Li, who is also terrific. Sure, there’s a few issues with the dialogue, but this is not a kiddie movie, as much as it’s something on par with the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and I just love all of the decision Caro and her all-Asian cast make in telling this story in a new way. I particularly liked how the film followed Chinese traditions and dealt with things like “chi,” but as with the animated film, the stuff in the army 

On top of the amazing martial arts fights, there are also some terrific battle scene that would do Braveheart proud, and it’s all pulled together by Harry Gregson-Williams’ score, which may be one of my favorite pieces of music this year. Definitely a score I’ll be buying since it brings so much excitement and emotion to every scene, but that’s just as much a credit to Ms. Caro and her fantastic cast, who in a couple scenes, particularly between Liu and Li, had me tearing up almost as much as every single time I’ve watched Caro’s debut, Whale Rider.

I’m sure that fans of the animated movie (which I only saw for the first time earlier this year) will have different expectations, but you can’t fault Disney for being a little bit concerned and undeservedly dumping it to the Disney+ streaming service (which you can watch it at a premium of $29.95) rather than giving it the theatrical release it truly deserved. Honestly, if for some strange reason, Disney decides to play it in a bunch of theaters once they’re fully open, I would not hesitate to watch this again in what I consider a much-better environment for a movie which is likely to end up in my top 10 for year. It’s probably my favorite straight-up Disney movie (not including Pixar or Marvel) since maybe Kenneth Branagh’s Cinderella, although I kind of enjoyed Mary Poppins Returns, too.

I also have a crafts review of Mulan over at Below the Line, so check that out!

While I’ve generally been mixed on Charlie Kaufman’s movies that he directed himself, I couldn’t NOT watch I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS, his new movie on Netflix, starring Jessie Buckley and Jesse Plemons as a young couple going to visit his parents, played by Toni Collette and David Thewlis. At first, it looks like they’ll get stuck in a snowstorm, but then they get there and then they leave and once again get stuck in a snowtorm. No, this isn’t Centigrade 2, but actually something far FAR worse, to the point where I’m not even sure where to begin.

It starts with Buckley’s “Young woman” – yes, Kaufman doesn’t even bother giving her a name – being picked up by her boyfriend Jake (Plemons) before the long ride through the snow to his parent’s house. The whole time, we hear her inner thoughts about wanting to break up with Jake for one or reason or another, her thoughts always been interrupted by Jake making a statement that seems out of the blue. When they get to his parents’ farm in the middle of nowhere, things start to get weird, and I don’t want to go into too many details because if you read my review and decide to sit through it anyway, then it’s your own fault.

Apparently, this was loosely based on a book of the same name by Iain Reid, but it was adapted by the guy who wrote Adaptation, so Kaufman pretty much just went off and did his own thing based on Reid’s general premise. What I find particularly weird is that some of the early reviews talked about this movie as if it was a horror movie, but I just don’t see that at all. It’s just a really dry and weird comedy that doesn’t really take off. While parts of it remind me of the comics work of Daniel Clowes (Ghost World), who I genuinely love, other parts just get so weird, and at times, it reminded me of David Lynch’s Eraserhead or M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit, but only because there are so many WTF moments that you wonder what the actors must have thought while they were doing what Kaufman told them to do. Again, I’m not going to ruin the experience of being thoroughly confounded by some of the weirder moments but after Buckley and Plemons leave the farmhouse, they’re back driving through the snow and having far more intelligent conversations about such mundane topics. At one point, I thought, “This movie must be over soon, right?” and I checked, and there were 43 more minutes to go. That’s when I went from angry to outright ballistic, because I knew that there were so many other things I could be doing than listening to all the talking, talking, talking… They eventually arrive at an abandoned school and go there for shelter, and I was like, “Oh, good, now we get to the horror stuff.” Nope.

I’m Thinking of Ending Things is the perfect movie for the scant few that raved about Darren Aronofsky’s mother!, or those who consider Holy Rollers a masterpiece of the highest order. Awful, aggravating and almost unwatchable at times, I’d only recommend Kaufman’s movie to people as a practical joke. Nah, I’m not that mean. It’ll be on Netflix tomorrow. Good luck with it.

Filmmaker and Rooney* frontman Robert Schwartzman directs his third feature, the comedy THE “ARGUMENT” (Gravitas Ventures), which takes the simple idea of a cocktail party and turns it into a riotous and sometimes strange comedy of errors, of sorts.

Dan Fogler and Emma Bell play couple Jack and Lisa, he a writer, her an actress, who have been together for some time, and Jack is ready to pop the question. After the final of a stageplay Lisa is co-starring in, Jack throws a cocktail party at which he’s gonna propose. He invites over his agent Danny Pudi from Community) and his wife Sarah (Maggie Q) but Lisa has invited her amorous co-star Paul (Tyler James Williams from Everybody Hates Chris all grown up!), who brought his own bubbly girlfriend Trina (Cleopatra Coleman).  As Trina starts drinking, thing just get worse and worse, and it inevitably turns into a full- on fight between Jack and Lisa aka the “argument” of the title. Jack is convinced that if they have a do-over on the night, they can prove who is right.

Oh, yeah. That couldn’t possibly work, right? Well, I’m not going to spoil it, but the one do-over turns into several, which turns into Jack trying to script the perfect cocktail party with the six of them … or rather five after Maggie Q’s character quits in a hilarious huff where she does impressions of the other five. (I’ve always found Maggie to be hilarious from talking to her years ago, and it’s great that her comic skills are finally being used, along with her beauty.) Eventually, Jack brings in actors to play each of them and perform the script he’s written so they can all sit back and figure out where things went wrong. Honestly, The “Argument” is more like the Charlie Kaufman movies I liked (such as Adaptation), and the movie has a vibe a lot like the play God of Carnage, which Roman Polanski adapted into a movie that nobody saw and few gave a fair shake. Also reminded me of Ike Barinholtz’s The Oath, which I quite enjoyed. The main leads are great, but I gotta give additional kudos to Maggie and Cleopatra Coleman, who gives a surprisingly layered performance as possibly the first ditzy African-American not-blonde “blonde” in movie history?

Although Schwartzman didn’t write this movie – it’s written by Zac Sanford who made The Chumscrubber -- he does a great job using his talented cast to throw many surprises at the viewer, and I was laughing quite hardily as the movie went on, because I really enjoyed the characters portrayed not just by the main six but also the actors playing the actors. Yeah, I know it might get confusing but at least this doesn’t have time travel, so if you want a fun and unexpectedly clever dark comedy, do check out The “Argument” which will be in theaters and On Demand, and apparently, you can even order it bundled with WINE?!?!? (*And you can also check out Rooney on Spotify!)

Another really nice surprise this week was Jeff Barnaby’s apocalyptic horror film BLOOD QUANTUM (Shudder/RLJEFilms), which was released on VOD, Digital HD, DVD and Blu-Ray earlier this week but is also on the awesome horror streamer, Shudder, I guess right now? It involves a community of indigenous people in the reserve Red Crow who face the undead when an infection hits the village through a bunch of animals who come back to life and then infect the humans. The movie starts on the first night of this plague and then cuts forward six months when the people of Red Crow have shut themselves off from the rest of the world with the hopes of keeping those still alive uninfected from the hordes of “Zeds” outside their gates.

I’m a little bummed I didn’t have press notes for this movie because there are so many great characters and performances, but it was hard to keep track of them without a scorecard. It does star Michael Greyeyes from Fear the Walking Dead, as well as Forrest Godluck (The Revenant), Kiowa Gordon and Elle-Máijá Tailfeatures, but other than Greeneyes, who plays the sherriff trying to keep his family safe, I could barely keep track of the characters or figure out who played them, and that’s a shame.

I generally liked the recent Train to Busan: Peninsula but Blood Quantum works just as little bit better, mainly from the interaction of the characters in a world full of sex and drugs and gore galore where you never who is gonna get killed but for the most part, they’re likely to go in a way that involves blood that pours like a waterfall. You add to the quick pace of Barnaby’s direction the amazing score that almost sounds like Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, and you have a movie that makes you realize that Barnaby has made a film that perfectly captures the spirit and feel of John Carpenter’s best work. 

I actually watched John Leguizamo’s feature film directorial debut CRITICAL THINKING (Vertical Entertainment), way back in March, literally my very last press screening before movie theaters shut down, little realizing that it would be the last press screening for six months! It’s written by Dito Montiel, who I’ve generally been mixed on, and it’s based on a true story from 1998 where a Miami teacher, played by Leguizamo, tries to save a group of Latino and Black teenagers from the inevitable drugs and crime that kids from the underserved ghetto usually get into by teaching them chess and getting them all the way to the National Chess Championship. I didn’t get to rewatch it to write any sort of intelligent review, but as you can imagine, it has a Mr. Holland’s Opus or Dead Poet’s Society feel, but mixed with the little-seen Disney movie, Queen of Katwe, which I generally enjoyed much more. I do think Leguizamo did a pretty decent job with his first feature as a director and maybe if the crazy early days of COVID weren’t distracting me so much, maybe I would have enjoyed it more. This is a movie that I need to rewatch with a better head on my shoulders.

Tyler Norwood’s doc ROBIN’S WISH (Vertical) takes a look at the last years of comedian and actor Robin Williams, who died from suicide in August 2014 at the age of 63. To everyone who knew him, from close acquaintances to fans, it was a mystery why Williams would take his own life with things going so well in his marriage to Susan Schneider. After his death, the autopsy showed that he was afflicted by undiagnosed diffuse Lewy body dementia, and apparently, that was enough to do his head in to the point where suicide seemed like the only solution.

This is a very different than the equally good Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind, because it does focus so much on Williams’ last years and his relationship with Schneider, who plays a much bigger role in this movie with in-depth and intimate moments. It also does a good job talking to Williams’ neighbors in Marin County, who laud the comedian’s commitment to entertaining those in the community. It also interviews Shawn Levy from the Night at the Museum movies, who talks about how Williams wouldn’t let anyone around him know what was going on, maybe because he didn’t really know himself.

Williams’ death was tragic but even moreso when you realize what he must have been going through, and the only thing else I will say is that the notably teary documentary Dear Zachary may finally have some competition as the most tear-inducing real-life film you ever watch. Even so, it’s wonderful and does as great job shining a light on how hard something like dementia hits people when they least expect it. (Also, the score and cinematography for the film are fabulous at provoking those sorrowful emotions even more.)

Arthur Jones’ doc FEELS GOOD MAN is available right now On Demand via the Fantasia Film Festival and will be available via other film festivals, like Oxford Film Festival, starting Friday. (It will also be in theaters, including Oxford’s drive-in!) The movie follows the journey of comics artist Matt Furie, who drew a comic called “Boys Club” that featured a strange frog character named Pepe, who I never heard of, but apparently, the odd underground comic character went from being a popular meme to becoming a symbol of the alt-right. It sounds pretty crazy, but it is an absolutely crazy story as Furie sees his lovable and peaceful slacker character get out from under his control as right wing kooks like Alex Jones from InfoWars gloms onto him.

At first, I wasn’t sure if I’d find this as interesting as the HBO doc, Beware the Slenderman (which I also happened to see at Fantasia a few years ago), but the way that Jones tells Furie and Pepe’s story is really quite compelling, especially as he (and we) watch the craziness surrounding his character unfold, and Pepe becomes less and less like something he wanted to be associated with. (Furie and his wife spent thousands of their own money-making Pepe T-shirts and merch only to have to destroy it all once Furie gets pegged as the creator of a hate image. I mean, holy shit, this thing gets ugly!)

Apparently, Feels Good Man won an “Emerging Filmmaker” Jury Award at Sundance, and it’s well-deserved. I’d recommend the movie to anyone who likes comics or politics and doesn’t mind when the two things collide.

There are a few other movies that I want to write about that I didn’t have time to watch despite having screeners and who knows, maybe I can watch them over this longer weekend if things aren’t too crazy screener-wise. (I lost quite a bit of time with my trip to Connecticut to see Tenet, unfortunately.)

First, there’s Julius Berg’s THE OWNERS (RLJEFilms), which stars Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones and Sylvester McCoy aka Doctor Who #6 (I think?). It’s about a group of friends who want to break into an empty house in which there’s a safe full of money, but when the elderly couple (including McCoy) return home early, they turn the tables in a deadly game of cat and mouse. Yeah, it does sound like it could be fun, and it’ll be in select theaters, On Demand and digital this Friday.

Also out on Digital, as well as DVD, Blu-Ray this week is the anime CHILDREN OF THE SEA (Shout! Factory/GKids) from director Ayumu Watanabe and STUDIO4ºC who made Mind Game and Tekkonkinkreet. It’s about a young girl named Ruka whose father works at an aquarium where she comes across two mysterious boys who were raised by dugongs (a type of sea cow) so they’re very familiar and acclimated to water, to the point where they have to be in or near it at all times, kind of like Aquaman. I did watch a little bit of this, and I do have to say that it looks gorgeous, definitely more photo-realistic than the work of Miyazaki and Studio Ghibli. I’m sure I’ll get around to watch the rest of it because I do enjoy well-made anime -- Weathering With You and Ride Your Wave are likely to be in my year-end Top 25, for instance – so hopefully, fans of anime and fantsy will check it out.

On Amazon Prime this Friday is Eric Merola’s doc THE ANDORRA HUSTLE, which look at the country of Andorra, located between France and Spain in the Pyrenees mountains, holding a population of 80,000 people who find themselves at the center of one of the most convoluted robberies in history in 2015 when a the private bank Banca Privada d’Andorra was shut down by the government to destroy the Catalonian Independence Movement, leaving dozens of innocent civilians facing jail time for laundering money after losing their life savings.

A couple prominent science fiction series premiere this weekend, including the Ridley Scott-produced Raised by Wolves on HBO Max and Away, starring Hillary Swank on Netflix. Someday, I hope to have

There’s a lot of other stuff that I didn’t have to watch or even think about it, so yeah, this is a little bit of a “lite edition” of the Weekend Warrior, so I apologize. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do better next week.

By the way, if you read this week’s column and have bothered to read this far down, feel free to drop me some thoughts at Edward dot Douglas at Gmail dot Com or drop me a note or tweet on Twitter. I love hearing from readers … honest!

[brokerplanet10-blog]

A tea party wedding with dinosaurs, DIY, & a gorgeous gown handmade by the bride

Photos by Alexsandra Wiciel

Offbeat partner: Dani

Offbeat partner: Chris

Date and location of wedding: The groom's parents' backyard for the ceremony, the bride's mom's backyard for the reception, Wells, Maine — November 4, 2017

Our offbeat wedding at a glance: There wasn’t really a theme. I’m a designer, so I just roll around in things that inspire me and see what sticks. The biggest highlight is that I made my own gown. All of it! From sketches to patternmaking to cutting and sewing. I also did our save the dates — a CD playlist inside a custom sleeve, featuring portraits of us I drew in Adventure Time style. We followed that up with marble themed invites we designed, knowing the neutral tones and moody vibes would go with everything we thought we wanted for the reception.

We knew we wanted things to be really classy and elegant, but we had a small budget. Since we couldn’t afford a lot of flowers, we bought a ton of Christmas lights on sale the year before and just went nuts with white twinkle lights and it worked out beautifully. Chris loves dinosaurs, so I snuck them in everywhere without telling him: large ones held our table numbers and small ones were just hidden in strange places, all painted gold.

Everything was super DIY, from my dress, to the ceremony benches. Because it was so DIY, we had tons of help. My father-in-law built the arch, and he, a family friend, and I built the benches. My girls and I made the boutonnières, which had special touches. My beekeeper in-laws had brass bees attached with floral glue to theirs, and for my mother, who I thought should have something non traditional, I attached flowers to a wide brass cuff the night before to match her emerald gown. We also had a food truck for maximum picnic vibe.

Tell us about the ceremony: I walked down the aisle to “Such Great Heights” by the Postal Service. My dad passed away unexpectedly the spring before the wedding, so my uncle walked with me. Our music was off Spotify and we had a last minute replacement in the music management, and our stand-in DJ pressed pause instead of turning down the volume, resulting in a little pause sound jingle that made everyone laugh, which I needed.

We had a confetti girl instead of a flower girl (eco-friendly confetti for chicken and bee safety!). A long time family friend, the very first person aside from my parents and grand parents to meet me after I was born, in fact, married us in an atheist ceremony full of Star Trek references and Carl Sagan quotes under a birch arch adorned with eucalyptus garland. I made vow books for Chris and I and we read vows we had written, which made each other laugh. Instead of “you may now kiss,” it was “make it so” a la Captain Picard. As I did not take Chris’ name, our officiant announced our full names with me as “Mrs. My Full Name,” so no one would call me Mrs. His Last Name or, worse still, Mrs. His First Name.

Tell us about the reception: We had an incredible food truck, Mashed, a Maine-based operation which celebrates the Maine potato. The menu is very creative, everything is served on a bed of delicious mashed potatoes, and Renee makes EVERYTHING, including garnishes like breads, pickles, and for dessert, the authentic Maine potato Needham. Yes, Mainers even eat potatoes in their desserts. Each table was adorned with a simple white tablecloth, a gold number-bearing dino, a vase or beaker of flowers, hand dyed napkins, hand written name cards, honey from Chris’ parents’ hives bottled by his mom, and needhams from Mashed in pretty little boxes assembled by my mom.

The vases were all salvaged from flea markets or antique shops, the beakers were a nod to Chris being a chemist, my mom and I dyed every single napkin by hand in the backyard, and I wrote all the name cards on marble print card stock to match the invitations. At the head table we included gifts we had been given: a lovely vase and a set of blown glass champagne glasses, so that the gift givers could see that we truly cherish them. My mom baked our cake herself in her boyfriend's kitchen, as we lost power at her house for several days the week of the wedding. That was truly terrifying but it did come back on just in time.

What was the most important lesson you learned from your wedding? I feel like lots of brides say this, but shit happens, so be ready. We had an enormous storm that knocked out power in 95% of the state the week of the wedding. My mom's house lost power two separate times. At this point, I was still sewing my dress and also had to move to her boyfriend's house to finish. Having a back-up house to go to and a determined bridesmaid who is also a designer and refused to see me walk down the aisle without all the closures on my dress saved my bacon. For real, shit almost went totally sideways.

Additionally, know who your REAL supporters are. I had a lot, but I know many people don’t have a close by support network. Do not, DO. NOT. let anyone get in your way who doesn’t have a right or a good reason to be in your way. Let the drama roll off you.

And one more: as you are working through the planning process, many people may tell you that you “must” do this thing or that thing. This is a lie straight from the pit of hell. Okay, yeah, you are obligated to keep your guests comfy and happy because they came to support you, but that’s just polite. There is literally nothing you “must” do. I was told I “must” block hotel rooms. To that I say, we are all grown ass adults, and everyone knows how to book their own hotel. I provided a list of hotels that were open in the off season, y’all know what to do with that info. You only have to do what you want. You’ve got this.

Vendors

Photographer: Alexsandra Wiciel • Catering: Mashed

Gallery

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Source: https://offbeatbride.com/dino-tea-party-wedding/

[haebxtna]

Leaving a Mark

Part I - The Journal Entries

 August 4, 2008

I picked him out of the crowd. He wasn’t the one my eyes were searching for but somehow they landed onto his, next to the one I was supposed to find. Charlene’s boyfriend… has a friend. And that friend is him. He has small eyes, a bit different from most of the students but familiar, because I have the same size of eyes as he has. Even smaller. There’s an indentation at one side of his cheeks, evident as he speaks, distinct as he smiles. The sun shines from our side but the rays beam at their side, across our line, and it made his pale skin glisten under the light. It was… perpetual. He’s handsome, I must admit. Will I know his name? Tomorrow I shall ask Charlene.

August 8, 2008

All I wished is for a name, but I got more than what I should. It was break time, Charlene promised me something wonderful was about to happen, but I did not expect what came next. I was in the lobby, too full, too distracted to eat, when his figure appears suddenly from the corner of my eye. He stood in front, leading a pack of 4 men including Charlene’s boyfriend. I felt a tight squeeze in my hand from Charlene, but I was too dumbfounded to react. I wanted them to pass through me, just walk through the hallway. I don’t really want any attention because clearly, his group of friends steals the eyes of people with their mere presence alone – just like earlier. But one set of eyes focused on us, me. They stopped right in front of us, Charlene’s lips tugged upward in a proud smile while she scooted to her boyfriend.

“Hi, I’m Mark.” He extended one of his hand and I gladly took it, nervously shaking his while I tried my best to hide the embarrassment, but Charlene said I looked like a tomato the whole time.

I had his name, and his hands left a mark.

July 29, 2009

“Stop fangirling over him.” They said, but I was just a mere young one cheering for the team, for the school’s pride! Of course, it was an excuse. It’s pretty much obvious that I was following him. No, I don’t stalk him. Just… admiring him from afar. Offering him small things that might bring smile to his face. Like a bottle of orange juice and a sandwich after the varsity practice. It worked, actually. The sporadic hi and hello’s upgraded to small talks, and he knew my name already – and the way he calls me Shine sends shiver down my spine every single time. And he smiles more now, smiles more at me. Or am I just delusional to think that it’s for me when it’s for the entire row of girls cheering for him from the bench whenever he shoots the ball? Maybe, but I’d consider that smile as mine, because at the end of the day, he still talked to me. Small talk, but encouraging.

I’m not getting my hopes up, but I am happy with the way things are.

October 14, 2009

I… don’t even know what to say. I knew there were dangers with trying to be close to a person you fancy but has little chance but… somehow we’ve become close. Close as in we talked more, and he seem to take care of me. But so he does with the other girls of his year. But what can I do, he simply defends me from the bullies, and gives me words of advice and everything. I could not help but feel something. Even though I don’t want to. If I can deny it then I would. But… he kissed me on my forehead. I don’t think I could deny it anymore. This has become more than liking him. I’m actually… scared.

January 5, 2010

I should’ve stayed in. I should have rested at home and kept myself on the comforts of my bed. The flu got worse, it’s really a bad way to start a year, and it’s as if it’s an omen, a foreboding to something bad. Today I realized that it is. Why did I even want to go to school while I am sick? Obviously because I wanted to see Mark on the first school day of the year. Christmas break stretched long enough and I… missed him so much. I wish I did repress myself had I known that I will be broken this way.

All I asked was for a name, but he gave me a handshake. I never asked for him to reciprocate his feelings, but to be slapped with the reality of his words was something I thought I could take, but I couldn’t. Mark doesn’t like me. He sees a sister in me. That was why he was protecting me; that was why he kissed me in the forehead. It was all platonic. I just led myself to believe that there might be something deeper than that. But there’s none.

I feel sicker than the severe cough, colds and body pain I feel right now. When will I recover?

September 8, 2010

Charlene said that I might be the most stupid person she ever knew. It was so hard to move on but I still cling onto those small conversations with Mark. We are currently friends, not the same as when they talked every day, but he would still spark a conversation with me, smiles whenever our paths cross, waves his hand and greets from afar, and acknowledges my existence as Shine. His Shine. But what can I do? I promised him friendship even though he dumped me (in front of that jealous girl from his year). I just want to spend some more time with him before he graduates and transfer to a university, which is half a year away. I’m content with this. I hope.

December 29, 2012

This must be a late gift but nevertheless a gift, a surprise I never expected. A mini get-together happened today and of course I expected him to come. It was the club’s reunion and Irene, the club president back then, wanted to gather everyone from our batch and theirs for a dinner party. I went with Charlene, half-hoping Mark would not be there. Charlene was also hoping that her ex, Alex, wouldn’t be there too. But our hopes crashed when we saw them at the restaurant as we arrived. They smiled at us like we were those sophomore students greeting the senior students years before. Were they smiling at us because of that, or because we’re far from the sophomore students they knew back then? I think it was the latter. Because Charlene decided to be a bit more sophisticated with our look for the night, we donned ourselves in dresses, heels and smoky eye make ups and ultimately it caught their attention. Men, as always.

He was different. Mark was. His face matured a lot, perhaps university life drained him, but he was still perpetual, his face still glistens from under the dim light of the restaurant. But his eyes were different. He looked different when he gazed at me, it looks like there was something going on with him but I do not know. I just simply basked on his stare, and his words.

It’s the first time he gave me a compliment, and my heart ignited when she said that I grew beautiful. I do not know if it was because of the can of beer he drank or the make up and perfume I wore, but I longed for it, the acknowledgement. Is he finally seeing me as a woman? I could only hope.

January 14, 2013

It’s Mark’s birthday last night. I was invited, together with some previous club members and his college friends, and who am I to decline? I went because I wanted it. I just did not know that we would be chugging on booze. Well, he did, they did. It was still a few months left before I could drink, but I do not want to be a killjoy. I took some shots, mostly when he asks me to. But I kept myself sane. Tipsy, maybe, but still sane.

We played a game, I forgot the title because I was too tipsy. But there was a bottle, a timer, and then I found myself locked in a room with him. He stared at me for a few seconds before he kissed me. He kissed me, not in the forehead but on my lips. Everything was a blur back then but before the door flew open again, I knew I teared away. For how long we kissed, I could not remember.

I can remember how it felt though. Ah. That was how it felt to kiss. How it felt to kiss someone like Mark.

April 18, 2013

It’s a whirlwind of emotions. I am not sure what to feel. It’s a roller coaster ride and I am sure I’ve been warned about this when I agreed to date Mark, but I wasn’t ready for all of these. Or maybe it’s just because being eighteen and legal is quite overwhelming. Or the pressure. Or the emotions was just too much. The attraction. Again, I am pulled onto him – the same puppy crush I had on him four years before, although it isn’t just a fickle crush I’m talking about now. It’s become so serious. I like him. I.. love him. I love Mark. I’d do anything for him. I’ve waited for four years, and now that I knew all those years weren’t waiting in vain after all, then I should do my best. Because I love him. And he loves me. I know he does. Why would he ask me to date if he doesn’t? Why would he agree on being my last dance on my debut party if he doesn’t? Why would he brag me to his friends as his girlfriend if he doesn’t? Why would he give me attention, hug me, kiss me if he doesn’t? He’s given more than anything I could ask for. And I will give him what I can. I will do everything for him.

He asked for it. And I gave it to him. Because I want Mark. And I want him to leave me a mark, just like the way he did when I first saw him.

June 15, 2013

I hate rumors. I hate how people try to destroy something wonderful because of jealousy. I hate how they pit people to break their trusts on each other. I hate Alex. If he was getting revenge on Charlene through me then I would not allow it. I will not believe in something that he says, especially about Mark. Especially since Alex is the epitome of a jerk who cheats on his girlfriend countless of times.

Mark loves me. He will never cheat on me.

July 7, 2013

Mark loves me. He will never cheat on me.

That girl is just his classmate at the university. Don’t mind her.

Mark is mine, he loves me. He cares for me. I’ve given him everything he wants, there’s no way he’d find another.

August 19, 2013

Mark gave me a large bouquet of roses. Held my hand. Embraced me tightly. Kissed me tenderly. Suddenly I felt guilty about the doubts that swirled on my thoughts for the past weeks. It’s our monthsary, he’s been busy preparing for this surprise celebration. I should have known! I know rumors are bad, they suck as much as Alex sucks in his life. I promise to never listen to him again. There’s only few men I can trust. Daddykins, Bitgaram oppa and Mark. Trust Mark. Trust your love for him. This is a mantra that I need to keep saying.

Mark loves me. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel alive. He made me a woman.

September 21, 2013

Note to self: Stop playing pretend. It isn’t healthy to live in a world fabricated by your own naivety. This is over. There was nothing to start with. It wasn’t true. Mark never liked you. He only used you to tend to his bruised ego, because he knew you are head over heels for him. And he knew you very well. But now that he had more than enough from you, he left you. Because that’s how they are. You should have listened to your best friend. Charlene warned you a couple of times, and she and Alex was enough example. You should’ve learned from them. But you were stuck in an illusion that the prince you’ve been waiting for has finally noticed you and loved you and that you’ll live happily ever after as long as you gave him your love and your everything. You did, but what happened? Mark left you.

Shine, it’s time to leave him too. 5 years is enough for a first love, don’t you think?

[katiasstories]

Twin flames burn out

Twins flames are very different and very rare.  Twin flames are two people in two separate bodies that share the same soul. When twin flames meet and are ready for each other, it is the most enjoyable experience possible on earth. - Arianni Masters on twin flames.

                                                    *

She is a human who I could never read, but our connection made this clear: She was me and I was her.

Sunlight permeated my dull stare when my eyes would meet Sammi’s. In her presence, a force would enthrall me, drawing me to a location that resided deep within the depths of my mind: My “happy place.” This region felt celestial and unexpectedly familiar, and quite frankly, our connection absolutely astonished me. I was ignorant to the fact that another human being on this planet could love every single aspect of me--both horrendous and terrific--until I met her.

Her ramen noodle hair, protruding collar bones, and ice-blue eyes spellbound me from the moment my gaze landed on her.

                                                                *

          I had become aware of her existence during my junior year of high school. My boyfriend at the time had just broken up with me, and my friends had informed me that there was a new girl on his radar: Sammi.

Slowly but surely, her existence grew prevalent in my world. This was no shocker, as it was made clear that she was newly included in my high school “friend group.”

I tried to hate her but I couldn’t. It was nearly impossible.

"Don't worry about Damien. Personally, he's too short. I just wanna use his bong," Sammi had reassured me, speaking about the first boy who had torn apart my heart. I barely knew her but I smiled in response, relief and thankfulness coating my aura. She didn’t owe me an explanation--but that was just Sammi being Sammi.

She was as sweet as the caramel popcorn I was obsessed with at the local farmer’s market. She radiated an energy that I could not ignore. There was simply something about her that differed from any other human being I had ever encountered. A voice in the back of my head whispered that her eyes told a story that her mouth could not. A dark, mysterious tale that never failed to pull me in.

           I found myself daydreaming a friendship with her: In my head we would go hiking and I would bring a bottle of plain, stolen Smirnoff. We would take swig after swig until we were inebriated to the point of no return. Then we would spill tears over insecurities no other human knew existed. The night would end with my heart feeling as if it had been wrapped with a heated blanket.

            These thoughts continued to crash into my mind, as all I longed for was to be understood. Her small, insecure smile told me she could possibly play the part.

                                                            *

As I sit here and write about Sammi, I can’t help but dig my fingernails deep into my scalp and scratch nervously. There is something relieving about creating a scab, picking at it, removing it, and repeating the process over and over again. It is an utterly disgusting and appalling habit, but nevertheless, brings my racing heart to a hault.

Sammi was truly magical, as she possessed the power my anxious habit held. She taught my over-chaotic heart how to beat to the tune of a soft melody--a lesson I had presumed was unachievable for somebody like me.                                            

                                                          *

I was put in a private, Catholic school since the age of five. After graduating the school at fourteen, I moved onto a bigger private school--this time, all girls. Yet again, I was expected to wear a uniform and praise Jesus.

As a kid, it was something I was “supposed” to do. I didn’t question why I wore the same thing every single day, or why I sang songs at church that I did not fathom at all. But this time around, I felt a surge of uncomfortableness flow through my body as I took my first step into the Garaventa center: Carondelet’s cafeteria, paid by some girl’s dad.

I felt like I was wearing a disguise. It was as if I were a grown-up, playing dress-up with the wrong clothes and feeling downright awkward as I observed my silly costume. My faith in my so-called God was dwindling, resulting in a great feeling of shame that varnished every step I took. I didn’t want to be here--but I was supposed to be.

I gulped and scanned the large, crowded room. The sound of annoying, screeching female voices projected all throughout my ears. Although my surroundings were incredibly irksome, I couldn’t help but yearn to fit in. Strangely, another part of me wanted to be part of the annoyingness. A small side of me wanted to be what I was taught was successful: a preppy girl who worshipped God, got good grades, and could talk to anyone without hesitation.

As I hovered the room, my heart sank to the realization that I could never be what they wanted me to be. They being my parents, teachers, peers, nuns, neighbors, and pretty much every person I had ever encountered in my sheltered life. My heart continued to fall as I picked up my pace, taking in all of the pretty, rich girls laughing together and most likely talking about De La Salle boys--the all boys’ school, right across the street.

I just need to find somebody to sit with, I told myself, silently praying to a false God that perhaps I would run into someone from my old school. Although I had close to no friends from my previous school, I knew someone would feel bad and ask me to join them. They always felt bad.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted Riley. She was short, lean, and tan with golden blond hair always put up into a ponytail. Her eyes were blue and her nose bulbous. In eighth grade, she had liked me because I would constantly feed her seventh grade gossip. We called ourselves “gossip queens” and spread shit like wildfire. Surely, she would invite me to sit with her.

Our eyes met and she instantly looked away, talking louder as if to to tell me, “Sorry Katia! I’m busy!”

I sighed deeply and thought, fuck it. My heart was racing and my hands were clammy as I grabbed a hot lunch from a far-away counter. I paid for my food, and without further hesitation, made my way to the bathroom. The bathroom was the best hiding place--well, any bathroom. As an elementary school kid, I practically lived in one. It was the easiest way to avoid all of the laughter, voices, and familiar faces that I so-critically needed to escape from.

I grew to tolerate this environment. I convinced myself that it didn’t matter that I had barely any friends--all that mattered were my grades, and in turn I would probably end up at UCLA and laugh at all of the dumb bimbos. These dreams were basically instilled in my head--it was something I never thought about. It was something I was told to want.

My younger sister, Elaine, joined me at Carondelet the next year. She felt even worse than I did, and constantly made jokes about the school’s cult-like behavior. She insisted that every student here--except for us--were robots, brainwashed since the age of four by Catholics, who were brainwashed by previous Catholics, and so on and so forth. She sounded silly to me as I started to make more friends and obtain marvelous grades. I had felt the exact same way, but the illusion of rich, privileged girls blinded me. I wanted to be just like them.

“Please. Please. Please. Can we transfer schools?” My sister had begged my parents one day, for the millionth time. My mom looked disgusted. My dad carried no expression as he often did, but I could see that he was carefully dissecting Elaine’s words.

“How do you feel about this, Katia?” He asked.

The thought of public school had never crossed my mind. It never needed to cross my mind. I was taught that public schools were inferior and only contained poor and dumb kids. In eighth grade, every kid who went on to continue a private education was praised and called in front of the whole school. I felt like a princess up there, grinning and feeling like the ultimate role-model. Public school? Ew, no.

This was the brainwashed part of me thinking clearly over the real me--the real me being a human who thinks for herself. She didn’t quite exist, but her presence was there. I knew I was supposed to laugh in my dad’s face at such a suggestion, but instead, my heart spoke up.

“Yeah uh, that would be cool.”

                                                 *

Clearly, I was as nervous and insecure as a human could get. School counselors, a psychiatrist, a speech therapist, and group therapy had convinced me that the chemicals in my head were “unbalanced.”

“Dijeron que eras autista,” my mother had told me in high school. I raised an eyebrow as I mentally translated her words. They said you were autistic.

My dad scoffed, looking at my mom as if she were a clueless child.

“No. It’s called selective mutism,” my dad corrected her, speaking in clear English for my benefit.

I  rolled my eyes. I had “beat” my mental illness in middle school and could now talk to people. Eye contact wasn’t a problem, either. I had shoved every insecurity and self-loathing thought into the back of my head the second I had made it clear to the world that I was “normal.” This was around the age of fourteen, when I left the bubble of private school and entered the larger bubble of high school. I then shrugged in response, reacting as if my parents were talking about an old dog.

At this time, I was now in public school and had a surprisingly solid group of friends. The absence of religion class and rich girls lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders.

                                                                *

It is impossible to drown your demons, especially when they know how to swim. You can cut off their arms and their legs, and still a life-preserver will be thrown in their direction. So although I acted like a “normal” high schooler, my selectively-mute-self was still present underneath. In fact, she was dying to be heard. No one had ever paid much attention to her.

I touch my head and feel a sudden jolt of pain. I squint my eyes as I observe the top of my index finger. There is a single point of blood. Strangely, I am satisfied. I can’t stop my hovering fingers as I reach in for more: More bumps to be smoothed over, more scabs to be plucked off. At a moment like this, the so-called chemicals in my head feel perfectly balanced. It was the perfect distraction from the ill thought of Sammi.

                                                                *

The irony is that I try to ease my nerves over the only person who could ease my nerves. Perhaps it was all in my head, though. I had painted Sammi as a masterpiece: My beautiful twin flame, a human who shared my soul and could virtually do no wrong, since she was a part of me and I was a part of her.

Perhaps that is why I spit and shouted viscous words uncontrollably as I watched warmth paralyze her body one scorching night.

            Fast-forward to summer vacation after my first year of college. Naturally, all I desired to do in my hometown was bask in her presence. I couldn’t help the yelling as she lay there.

I was at Cowell Park and the sun had just tucked itself away to its hiding place. Darkness encompassed the environment, as well as ourselves. Her humanity was evanescing as each second drew by. In my eyes, Sammi committed the ultimate betrayal: She filled up her body with a false feeling of warmth and love, taking away the pain that I loved her for. I was in a state of shock, horror, and denial as rage boiled my blood.

"Godfuckingdammit Sammi!" I clamored, gritting my teeth at the sight of her eyes glazing over.

That night, the sun had put itself to sleep and so had Sammi. The heroin she snorted behind my back became harrowingly clear as she lay there like a corpse, getting up momentarily only to vomit. The taco bell and alcohol I had brought her that afternoon was as temporary as my anger.

The rage subsided with a sweeping feeling of anguish. I suddenly burst into tears as Sammi tried to form a response. She was incoherent and unaware of the reality that overflowed my eyes.

                                                      *

Sometimes I treat myself as if it had been me who had put heroin under her nose. Sometimes I look at myself as if it had been me who had handed her the meth pipe. Sometimes I scratch my head furiously, as if it had been me who was the source of the seemingly, neverending pain behind her eyes.

Convincing myself that I was Sammi and Sammi was me had rotted my brain entirely. We made ourselves responsible for each other’s feelings--a wise choice in high school, considering we looked at one another with nothing but admiration and love.

Sweet, sober Sammi had always carried pain in her eyes. That’s what attracted me to her. She was as insecure as I was, which made our masks transparent almost instantly. We revealed ourselves to each other as the vulnerable human beings that we truly were. Our insecurities gripped and held each other's hands tightly, ultimately convincing me that she nor I would never let go.

What lured me in was the simple fact that Sammi did not  tell me about her pain. Looking into her eyes was like looking into a crowded room--there was so much there, so many people to greet and meet and search for. I constantly found myself sifting through the wreckage that was the crowded room. Sometimes I would find things, sometimes I would not. Failure had only prompted me to try harder.                                              

All I craved was to know more and more. I wanted to scrape off every bump and lump and scab and anything ugly that stuck--kind of like what I would do to my head. Little by little she would reveal bits and pieces of hidden pain. The times she did warmed my heart with an unfamiliar feeling of incredible ease. It was the ultimate high, as well as the ultimate chase. But just like a picked off scab, a new one would always arise. I could never truly get to the center. I could never truly feel satisfied.

        Alas, her depression helped me fall in love with myself. It made sense--she was me and I was her.

But it grew increasingly harder to get her to open up. It became apparent that we connected beautifully in altered states of minds, so I used drugs to help win her over, to help me crack the uncrackable code to her brain.

                                                           *

I had given her her first few highs.

After knowing her for over a month, I brought Sammi to her first high school party and opened up a new world for her. I remember laughing when she puked in my dad’s car, as it was her first time dabbling with alcohol. Together, we went up to stranger after stranger in search of that bitter, powerful nectar that our insecure-selves so desperately needed. We ended up receiving a copious amount from a variation of creepy men and overly-nice females.

Months later, I couldn’t help but grin from ear-to-ear as I watched her cackle, her eyes filling up with tears of joy and confusion. She was finally high for the first time.

We smoked everyday: before and after school. When our lives were struck with boredom, we would bring weed brownies to school and watch our day unfold through hazy eyes and lazy smiles. It felt nice to have a partner in crime, someone who understood and participated in your fucked up thought process. I only say this because my friends at the time were not into “partying”, nor leaving their insecure-selves for a night. Sammi was the only one who was down. She was always down. Down to drink, down to hang out with random strangers we would meet, down to represent ourselves as rebellious in contrast to our school selves: shy girls who did what they were expected to do.

And then I found myself rubbing tears off of my face after she told me, “Katia...you’re my best friend. I hate everyone except for you.”

Of course, she was drunk and stumbling as she revealed this information. But I didn’t care. It had been the first time the words “best” and “friend” had been uttered from Sammi’s full lips and directed towards mine. Hell, it had been the first time anyone had referred to me as their best friend. I hesitated until I saw tears form behind her eyes as well. I let myself cry after I told her I loved her back.

                                                    *

One drunken night, I had told Sammi about my past. I told her that I had hated myself all of my life because I did not know who I was. I didn’t have a voice. Her eyes were glossy as she listened to my words. I had never told anybody this--not even my own sister, who was a year younger than I was and very close to me.

Her eyes told me she could be trusted with my sadness. “Katia, you’re beautiful. I can’t believe you don’t see you how I do…” She said, true desolation coating her soft, high-pitched voice.

Silence neighbored us for a moment. She continued, discomfort arising as her words trailed on. “I hate myself too. I always have. I don’t know...I’ve just always felt sad. Some therapist said I should take antidepressants….fuck that shit..I don’t know...I just don’t know.”

She looked down awkwardly, stopping before she spit out more words she would regret. I felt my heart exhaust veneration and compassion after I processed her words. I put my arm around her and we stayed like that for a while. The silence was soothing.

That was the nature of our relationship. We would do stupid things, medicate ourselves; and then talk, cry, or spout feelings of mutual insecurity. I tried to piece together her brain, but found myself defeated, feeling as if I'd been working on a Calculus problem. I knew that her father cheated on her mother, and I knew that she oftentimes loathed her sister. But besides that, Sammi was a gooddamn mystery. It was irritating yet enticing. And although I never got the full story, there was always that pain, that force, that entity behind her eyes that shouted and practically begged for love. That same force stood behind my eyes, too, I thought.

I remember telling her I would never leave her--that she should never feel alone because I would always be there, physically and spiritually. In response, she would look at me with bright eyes, appalled yet overjoyed at such promises. We were both utterly shocked that somebody could love us entirely. But it made sense, since she was me and I was her.

I had lied straight to her face, though. I graduated and it was my time to leave Concord and move up north, three hours away to a farmish-looking town called Chico.

                      ��                             *

I had, and still have, the desire to wrap her up, put her in a suitcase, and run. The thought of a new life without her weighed my heart down, as if her presence was necessary for survival. She had been a part of my everyday life for the past two years, and now I was abandoning her for college.  We both knew it--and coincidentally, neither one of us said a word about it.

I felt like a traitor meeting new people, going to parties, attending classes, and reciting a new address in Chico. For the first time in years, I felt excited about my life. Everything felt so new, a feeling I was unaware of because I had been stuck in the same place for the majority of my life. The fact that Sammi could not share this beautiful feeling deeply saddened me. Since she was me and I was her, I felt like a thief capturing this new experience without her.

Sammi was spiritually glued to my side--she had always been--but her presence felt eerily absent as I began this “new life” on my own. I was stepping into a new chapter with the intent of keeping Sammi at the center of my heart, and I was failing miserably.

“I feel like I’m stuck in a hole,” Sammi would tell me at least once a week that first semester of my freshman year in college.

I would respond with something along the lines of, “Don’t worry. I’ll be home soon,” as if her problems would be immediately be solved by my presence.

So I would constantly find myself a sluggish zombie on my uncomfortable dorm-room bed, contemplating thoughts of Sammi. No human I had met in college could even come close to her. I found myself comparing every living thing to our connection, thus feeling greatly unsatisfied. The magic of Chico was fading and her presence was becoming increasingly truant.

So I saved up my allowance and took the four-hour train-ride home to Concord. I had one thing and one thing only on my mind: Reconnecting with Sammi. I needed her as much as she needed me, I thought. And I was convinced the only way I could accomplish this was through a new substance: LSD.

                                                               *       

Right before I left for college, Sammi and I had made a strong connection when we both tried MDMA for the first time together. Feeling as if I were flying, and my head were in the clouds, a warmth paralyzed my body and sang in tune with Sammi's. "Rolling" is what they call the MDMA high. More like, MDMA-zing. My eyes grew wide when suddenly, I had an epiphany.

        "I think I've figured it out. Right now, serotonin and dopamine are flooding are brains, and we feel the same. I know this sounds crazy.. but I think we have the same brain... like, when we're sober... we have the same chemical imbalances," I had said, talking almost a mile per minute,.

"Dude...that makes sense," Sammi responded, her attention focused elsewhere. She was in her own world, too high to process what I had just said. But when she looked at me, I was immediately pulled into that crowded room that was her eyes. In this state of mind, I could swiftly enter the room and vibe with all the people. Suddenly, they all liked me. Her eyes danced and mine did as well. This told me she understood. Perhaps I was more convinced than she was. But in my head it made absolute, perfect sense. My theorized realization reinforced the notion that she was me and I was her.

So what better way to reconnect, then try a new, beautiful substance that could open our minds and let them intertwine? Unfortunately, the random dealer I had contacted sold me fake acid, aka research chemicals. We were unaware until it was too late.

We stuck the bitter blotter papers in our tongues and waited for the nightmare. We were at Cowell park on a Saturday evening. The trip hit us within minutes: We ended up laying there for hours in the dark, curled up in fetal positions and crying. My old friends saved us from the trip, right before the cops arrived due to a call from my dad. My absence emotionally scarred my family, but I was completely delusional because I was stuck in my own rotting head for over ten hours. It’s hard to explain. On research chemicals, it was impossible for me to even speak the English language. Voices turned into other voices, and soon I found myself covering my ears and begging for it to stop.

The trip had done nothing but drift us further apart. On the way back home, I let tears fall from my eyes. We hadn’t connected. I had failed. The drugs had failed.

                                              *

But when Sammi did heroin almost a year later, a part of my brain had slapped itself on the forehead. Face-palm. She had done that herself. She had made that decision herself. She had invited me to hang out with her at Cowell park that summer day. It was her choice and her fault, yet another part of my brain mourned in complete disappointment and shame. Since she was me and I was her, I felt as if I could have held the power to stop her.

But I couldn’t have. My fingers relax and fall from my scalp as I face this fact: There was nothing I could have done, as Sammi was her own person and did not want to be stopped.

            Although we were still each other's best friends, we were no longer twin flames. She came to enjoy the company of humans who were full of more sadness than she was. She came to fill herself with pride as she spoke about her "street life": a life that consisted of robberies, hard drugs, homelessness, and fights.

           Our lives were no longer intertwined, and neither were our souls. Maybe they never were. Maybe referring to her as my “twin flame” was my downfall. I put her on a pedestal, dehumanizing her entirely.  

In reality, we were simply two insecure humans who had met each other at the right time, but that time had passed. I was continuing my life in hopes of a better future, and Sammi was continuing hers in hopes of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow filled with cash, drugs, and excitement--a fucked up version of high school that I know will only lead to nothingness.                                     

I had given Sammi unlimited opportunities to climb out of the hole she was in, since she had always promised she would live with me in Chico. But she didn’t have the strength to get out of the hole that was Concord. I thought and convinced myself I had enough strength for the two of us--but I didn’t. I soon came to realize that Sammi was not ready to leave Concord, nor did she want to. She tried to convince everyone she was content with her choices: her choice to not go to college, her choice to continue living with her mother, her to choice to simply work, and her choice to find fulfillment in wandering the streets at ungodly hours of the night.

The thought of her sharing a room with me fills my heart with an overwhelming heaviness. It feels like a silly daydream now--something that maybe could have been at one point, but will never be due to shitty circumstances.

People change at their own will. They make their own decisions, and whether or not they were influenced to do so is irrelevant at the end of the day. However, to say that I carry no guilt would be a huge lie. To say that my eyes are not swollen at this moment would also be a lie. But now, I do know this:

She is not me and I am not her.

                                              *

I still do not fully know who I am, but I am on a quest. I want to live my life happy without the aid of drugs, and without the aid of Sammi. Perhaps I will major in Journalism, maybe English. I have no idea, to be perfectly honest. All I know is that I will never fall onto Sammi’s path.

When I returned home after the night she first did heroin, I stumbled into my bathroom, ready to puke. But my first instinct was to look in the mirror. I peered into it, looking at myself as if I were observing an expensive artifact. My hair was curly and tangled, my makeup was almost absent, and my eyes looked heavy-set and wide. I was an absolute trainwreck, but in that moment, my heart fluttered and my lips twisted themselves to form a small smile. I looked absolutely beautiful. I don’t know why I did, but I did. That crowded room staring back at me reminded me I was human--and the fact that I could deal with that was utterly stunning.

Sammi never learned to like her own crowded room. Instead, she opted to shoo everyone away with numbing drugs like heroin. Little did she know, they always came back, and in larger numbers.

That crowded room I had always loved vanished the second the drug dispersed itself throughout her body. Suddenly, the room was empty--there was nothing to be heard or seen, just the sound of  chirping crickets and a horrifying white noise. When I entered that blank room, I knew we were not the same.

Because if we were the same, and she loved me, then it made no sense that she hated herself. It made no sense that she would continue going back to a controlling boyfriend who fed her heroin. It made no sense that she did not want to better her life with me in Chico. It made no sense that she didn’t want to better herself in general. It was simple math. That’s when I told myself, “Shit. We were never twin flames.”

And although I realize this now, Sammi still never fails to pull me in. She still withholds a power that is simply unexplainable. “We can’t choose the people we fall in love with,” my friends had always told me, usually defending themselves from a shitty boyfriend. Now I find myself thinking about this excuse. It is the only explanation, because if any of my friends lived a life like she did, I would drop them in less than a second.

But her golden hair, her icy eyes, her frail body, her blood red lips...they were all so excruciatingly beautiful to me. The drugs fucked her up even more, leaving her skin paler and her body skinnier than it had ever been. Oddly, she was even more attractive. I hate to admit it, but you simply cannot force yourself to stop loving somebody. Trying to forget about her correlates to a comical joke in my mind.

I wish I could change everything. Sometimes I wish I never met her. If she had never met me, perhaps she would be in college. Perhaps she would be happy. But shit happens. I didn’t feed her heroin and I didn’t force her to stay in Concord. I have to remind myself of this at least one-hundred times to keep my fingers away from my scalp.

I love Sammi, but she has rotted my head. It is time for her to leave my mind--it is time for her to be replaced with something else, like everlasting love towards myself. That’s what it’s all come down to, and has always come down to: the love I have for myself.

[takemetotheoceaaan]

this could be paradise

Yesterday (11.03.2017) I came back to Quito after having spent the most amazing 3 weeks of traveling through Ecuador and Peru. I am so in love with South America, everything is just beautiful around here. 

I started my trip in Baños, which was directly way too crazy up in the sky at the casa del arbol, doing canyoning and learning to salsa with the funniest people! Was great to have some Heide (crazy Laura), her boyfriend from Galapagos and a bunch of guys from Südtirol around me for the first days of experiencing this new world with my really bad spanish word pool. Oh and I met Brenda, an argentina chick who was meant to be my travel buddy for the next couple of days. (Great Hostal Backpackers)

Down to Cuenca, we met a magician called Juan who left us speechless performing lots of crazy as card tricks I would love to know more about. He invited us for some beers at the restaurant of his parents before the pre-carneval session began. Please, google “Carneval - Ecuador”; what you are about to see is just hillarious and even though I was a tough victim, I am really happy about the timing of my travels. Generally what I have learned is that you have to trust the timing of your life and also that everything that happens is meant to happen. I guess this is the main attitude for a happy ever life. (Couchsurfing at Ecuador´s most famous magician Juan Estrella)

New Adventure began in Vilcabamba, the so called hippie-town of Ecuador. Most of the People who come here once will stay forever since it is such a chill place. Especially for retirees from the US. I actually stayed there in a kinda jungle lodge with some Americans I met on a hike in Cajas National Park one day before in Cuenca. Plus a French guy who was making amazing food all the time and who was going to be my travel buddy for the following two weeks! Oh, and Viktor from Bonn who was like a Bendix doppelgänger and who had the most entertaining horrornight stories to tell haha. The real carneval fiesta was just about to start now, so we needed to buy heaps of foam and water to defend ourselves; the streets and all the life over those days is simply loco. It is like war but instead of blood everybody is wet and white. Kind of like Holi Festival but completely different. And the kids are your worst enemies since they are the most agressive ones. (Rumi Wilco Ecolodge)

Way too spontanously, Titu (Frensh Guy) and I decided too go to PERUUUUU for like 5 days. This was another huge adventure, I can tell you. A stupid but funny decicion I definitely don´t regret - it just ensured me about the fact that one day in not too far future I really need to come back to South America to discover all the beauty the rest of the continent all the way over the Atlantic Ocean has to offer. So, the bus ride we thought was about 2-3 hours turned out to last nearly a whole day- we spent 17 hours in buses and tuctucs, crossing the worst paths and borders, together with the funniest ever Estonian couple! When arriving in Peru, it felt like finally reaching South America since the infrastructure was way worse than in Ecuador, much more like I expected it to be all around. And although Peru is just right below Ecuador, turned out naturewise it already has to offer a completely different view.

Chachapoyas was our first destination in Peru. Its preinca-ruins in Kuelap were amazing, I still can´t imagine that mankind was able to build something like that up so high. Or was it simply magic? I really can´t tell. At night time we decided to cook for pretty much the whole hostel. The following day, we really wanted to go to the second highest waterfalls of South America, but because the Frenchie and I misplanned nearly everything (not in a bad way), we ended up visiting an incredible canyon, the so-called Canon del Soncha. While staring into the width, we found ourselves in the middle of a photo shooting of two Peruan guys who were taking professional photos and who ended up spending the rest of the day with us. After we took hundreds of photos next to the steep hillside, we went for super yummy veggie food, a really fancy beer bar and shortly after, we had to jump on another bus, next stop: COAST! (Aventura Backpackers Lodge)

After hours and hours and hours non-sleeping but also not-awake we finally arrived in Mancora which was supposed to be the party beach of Peru! This was actually the first time ever in South America I left the Sierra (Mountains) and reached ground 0 again (after wandering around in a height of 2000-3000 meters, which can actually be exhausting!). Even though everyone told me, I couldn´t believe that such a heat is possible after we´ve been freezing all the days before. At the beach, we decided to go camping - without tent, sleeping bag, air bed, nada! At first, I was kinda afraid that some snakes, spiders or malaria mosquitos would straight come in our beaten-up tent with like a hundred wholes, but turned out that everything was okay and we were not going to die. This camp side right next to the beach was just the perfect place to relax a bit for the next two days. Our neighbours had the weirdest accents: only Argentinos and Chilenos all around! Which really wasn´t that easy for me since I was still totally new and my spanish skills muy bajos, but they were definitely fun! Later, we found some other chicks from Spain we got along with really well and ended up having one, two, three drinks together (I hate aguardiente) while playing card games (champiñones!) and later dancing salsa at the beach which actually is worthy to be known as a party beach! (Camping de Tito)

All of a sudden, our 5 days in Peru were over and it was time to cross the border again. Our way back might was a bit more confortable, but still it was really shitty, especially because we paid way more than we should have. And also, the wanna-be taxi drivers didn´t have any idea about were to check-out and in again and I can definitely tell you: the time we spent during transportation was really horrible but is not at all worthy to talk about it anymore. All the rest of the trip totally makes up for it anyway.

In the middle of the night, we were having some CHIFA (worst chinese noodles, once and never again, at least for me; Titou could have had it every single day) at the terrestre of Guayaquil before taking a taxi to a hostel of a friend of Titous´. Another thing I learned while travelling: connections are everything. Luckily, that is not a big deal for me and I already can´t wait for all the people I met to come to Quito to see each other again and exchange all the stories everyone has to tell. It is common around Ecuador that Guayaquil might be the biggest, but not really the most beautiful town around. For one day though, I think it is definitely worth a visit. At least if you know such a nice local hostel owner and guide who just takes a day off to show you the best places, including parcs with iguanas and turtles and amazing view points. Even the fact that I lived to see as much rain as never before in my life, only made the day better. It was hot and rainy and we were wet all over and the rain just wouldn´t stop all day long, but my god never have I felt that alive before. Back in the hostel, we got offered some special prices for the home-made vegan burgers and I had to try Michelada (which is salty beer, kinda mexicana style but truth be told I figured that was literally the first beer ever I couldn´t finish because the taste was so damn strange). This night, una gatita mala ha acompañado nosotros, y en verdad ella estaba locísima. (Hostal Funky Monkey)

Still travelling with my French Buddy, we finally decided to move forward into different directions. But because all the plans were changing once again, Titou and I found ourselves going back to the coast again - together! This time, Montañita was calling. Pretty much what Mancora is for Peru, Montañita should be for Ecuador. But since I am addicted to the ocean, I could´t be anything but happy to arrive at this touristic surfers´ paradise. We arrived in the rain but it didn´t matter. After I while of wandering around, we found a little crazy veggie place at the beach for lunch and stayed there for a few hours since I met a very inspirational man (half Portuguese, half African) who was travelling since 20 years and he kinda made me wanna do the same thing. In the hostel, we met the Spanish girls we got to know in Mancora and a few other fellows from Peru. One of the girls (Judiiit) was having birthday the next day, so after watching a stunning sunset at the beach we went out for cocktails and party with a bunch of Latinos. Definitely another way too crazy night. Judit´s birthday was chuchacky/beach/cat/tattoo/foood day all at the same time. It was great. (Habitaciones Don Flavio, no recomendable)

In the evening though, I decided to move up north a little to spend my last days of travelling in Puerto Lopez. Once I arrived there, Titou was already cooking for us and we got to know chevere chicas from France and Germany as well as the first turkish guy I´ve seen here so far. The next day, we hiked around in Los Frailes National Park until we reached incredible lonely beaches we had completely for ourselves. That day, not many people went out there and the few who did would have straight gone to the main beach which isn´t even the nicest one. When back in Puerto Lopez, I tried my first ever Ceviche (not with fish oviously, but I finally found a veggie option) which I, to be honest, couldn´t stand at all, even though it is the dish of the coast. Later on, some hostal compañeros and I decided to go to the beach for another unbelievably beautiful sunset (never seen the sky as red before, kinda felt like I was in Africa) before having our own little hostel party drinking some more aguardiente, playing pooooool (champiñones, otra vez!) and listening to really great french electronic music (Polo&Pan!, gracias a Marie&Lyla). As it was getting late, a bunch of us decided to go for a night swim in the ocean. The water was nice and warm but everybody was scared to death when once in a while someone apparently saw a shark and freaked out completely. This was actually supposed to be my last night before heading back to Quito. My very last day started with a Yoga Session at the beach (thanks, Debbie!), went on with an amble to the market for some delicious fruit and agua de coco and ended with a horrible “goodbye“ to those lovely people I just met two days earlier. (Hostal Sol Inn)

While the others were continuing their travels, Debbie and I took a night bus to Quito (she was on her way to Baños where all my adventures started 3 weeks earlier; so en verdad, I was kinda jealous) and how it has to be after a trip like that, after having fallen into my bed terribly tired and sleeping for hours I found myself totally sick for the next few days. 

I am so greatful for all the experience I made, places I´ve seen and people I met! Also, those 3 first weeks of travelling helped me tons to improve my really brackish Spanish so I´m sorry for asking the same word over and over again until I finally could remember it. Well, I´m pretty sure it was, at the same time, the reason for hundreds of laughs and funny misunderstandings! 

For now, my travels are over (disregarding the weekends!) and my internship is about to start. I don´t know what the next 5 months will have in petto for me, but I´m looking forward to take the chances life offers and wherever I go from here, I promise it won´t be boring!