#or god guy like I’d sacrifice him he’s okay but I haven’t formed a deep emotional bond

[someabsolutenonsense]

Wish somebody would call me an evil stick

[dreamwritesimagines]

Twisted 17 - Mind Games [Spencer Reid x Reader]

A.N.: Thank you so much for your wonderful support my loves! Here’s the next chapter, I hope you will like it as well, and please let me know what you think of it! ❤❤ Ily, kisses! ❤❤❤

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Murder, serial killers, violence, manipulation, mentions of sex, drinking, smoking, angst.

Word Count: 4700

Summary: Love demands sacrifices.

Not even once in your life had you ever imagined yourself in handcuffs, in an interrogation room on the wrong side of the table.

You weren’t even at the FBI headquarters though. The police had taken you to the station after the hospital, taking a blood sample and your fingerprints, then they had handcuffed you and left you there with a glass of water.

Of course they suspected you. Of course they thought you had murdered him.

Murder was your father’s legacy, after all.

You traced the handcuffs over your wrists, already feeling the bruises forming there. The shock still hadn’t worn off but you were starting to think it was a good thing. It felt as if you were watching all of this from behind some kind of glass window, perfectly aware of every single emotion but unable to actually feel them.

Spencer had said when you felt threatened, your body produced nervous energy, some sort of a fight or flight reaction but for once you weren’t trying to do any of that.

You just sat there, completely frozen.

“You look calm,” the police officer spoke, making you look up, trying to ignore the faint yelling coming from outside, possibly from the end of the hall.  

“I’m sorry?”

“Most people would be traumatized if this happened to them, they’d be crying, shaking…” he motioned at you, “But look at you. Still as a statue. You look pretty calm.”

“Would you rather if I were crying?”

“I’d rather if you were acting like a human being,” he said, “Why are you so calm?”

Why were you so calm?

Because your mother had taught you this much. Showing emotion when you were afraid meant weakness.

“My father was a serial killer,” you stated, looking him dead in the eye, “I’ve had a complicated childhood.”

“Yeah, I’d say…” he leaned in slightly, “You know, I’ve watched that documentary about your father. His interviews too.”

You raised your brows as he sniffled, trying to look like he was nonchalant about this whole situation.

“And I’ve spent sixteen years on this job,” he said, “After a while, you don’t even need anyone to speak for you to know what they’ve done. It’s all in their eyes and little girl,” he clicked his tongue, “There’s nothing behind your eyes but ice and death.”

You couldn’t cry. You wouldn’t cry. Not in front of people, not even if they tried to kill you. No matter how much they tried to hurt you-

No emotions.

“Impressive,” you managed to say, “Very poetic. Have you ever considered changing your career?”

“You know what I think?”

“I’m sure you’re about to enlighten me.”

“I think you wanted to follow your father’s footsteps,” he said, “I think you killed Anthony, and all those other people. It’s not even your fault, is it? Some people are just born broken.”

That was more than enough to make your eyes snap up to his and you could feel the lump in your throat but you bit your tongue so hard that you swallowed blood, making sure to keep your expression still.

“Nothing to say?”

“You’ve already decided what to think of me,” you said, “And I already told you what happened. What more do you want to hear?”

“Right,” he scoffed, taking a look at the file in front of him, “You went to bed around 12, didn’t wake up whole night, when you woke up you found him like that. Lying in a pool of his own blood, in your kitchen.”

“You don’t look like a whiskey girl.�� an unfamiliar voice made you turn your head and you lowered your glass, tilting your head. The guy smiled at you, and stole a look at the whiskey glass you had put on the bar.

“Yeah?” you asked, “What girl am I then? If you’re such an expert?”

He thought for a moment, “Hmm, wine?”

“Depends on the occasion.”

“What kind of an occasion does whiskey call for?”

“Apparently an occasion for meeting guys with bad pick-up lines.”

He let out a chuckle, “Yeah, I swear I’m normally smoother than this.”

“I would hope so,” you grinned, and offered your hand, “Y/N.”

“Anthony.”

“But you failed to mention the part you texted him to come to your apartment.”

“I didn’t text anyone.”

“We have your phone Y/N.”

“I didn’t text anyone,” you repeated, “Someone must’ve drugged me and taken my phone, the same person who killed him, the same person who obviously broke into my apartment.”

“How convenient.”

You clenched your jaw.

“I always wake up during night,” you said, your voice completely calm and controlled. “Always. I never woke up last night, there has to be a reason for that.”

“If you’ve been drugged, it will come up on the blood tests.”

“Good.”

“While we wait for that,” he said, “Why don’t we go over what you did last night?”

You took a deep breath, “I woke up,” you said “Went to work. I left work at 7 to go to my sister’s place. I left there around eleven, came home and went to bed.”

“Nothing else happened.”

“Nothing else happened,” you repeated and he sat up straighter.

“Okay. Well just so you know, Dr. Spencer Reid—” he started and your head shot up, your heart slamming against your chest, “He is giving us his professional opinion at the moment, about this case and what might have really happened this morning. Do you have anything you want to change in your story before he’s finished?”

You gawked at him, blinking a couple of times before you turned your head to look at the one-way mirror on the wall.

The BAU was there, behind the mirror.

“….They came back?”

“We’ve sent them the report, yes. They landed an hour ago.”

It was as if somebody was trying to claw your stomach out of your body as you stared at your reflection in the mirror, trying to ignore the burning behind your eyes before you turned to the officer.

“I don’t have anything to change,” you managed to keep your voice stable, “It was a terrible thing, it definitely was but I didn’t do it.”

Someone knocked on the mirror, making you and the officer look that way before he pushed his chair back and left the interrogation room. You closed your eyes for a moment, focusing on your breathing through the blinding headache but opened your eyes when the door opened again.

Luke.

He offered you a small smile and pulled himself a chair.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” you swallowed the lump in your throat, sitting up with your back straight, your hands clasped.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” you stole a look at the one-way mirror, “Is he there?”

“Reid?” Luke asked and shook his head, “I had to basically wrestle him out of the hall, he’s…he’s not allowed here. Conflict of interest. He’s giving his statement at the end of the hall as we speak.”

You nodded, digging your fingernails into your palms. “Okay.”

“He also called your sister on our way here. Couldn’t reach her, but left a message. Listen, he can’t request it on your behalf, but you need to ask for a lawyer.”

“I didn’t kill Anthony.”

“I didn’t ask if you killed him, I’m saying you need to ask for a lawyer.”

“Does he think I did it?” you asked and Luke shook his head again.

“No,” he said, “But it doesn’t matter what anyone else believes at this point, Y/N. Ask for a lawyer.”

You kept your back straight, rolling your shoulders. “If Spencer left a message to Mina, she’s coming.”

“Is she a defense lawyer?”

“No but she knows a lot of them.”

He took a deep breath and put the bottle of your pills on the desk, “The officers also found this.”

You tried your hardest to focus, moving your wrists to help with the soreness of the handcuffs. “They’re prescribed.”

“I can see that. The side effects say confusion?”

You arched a brow, “I’m sorry, do I sound confused to you right now?”

“No, you sound way too controlled right now, I may as well have been talking to a robot.”

You gritted your teeth, trying to control the panic bubbling at the pit of your stomach, sending anger through your veins.

“I’m not confused,” you stated, “Besides, I haven’t been taking them lately.”

He threw his head back, pressing his lips together, “God, Y/N, you can’t say that. A psychiatrist prescribed you something and you—“

“They’re just for nightmares, they don’t make you…” you took a deep breath, commanding yourself to stay calm, “I didn’t kill him. I found him like that. It was terrible, but I didn’t do it.”

Someone opened the door again and Emily Prentiss cleared her throat.

“Luke,” she murmured, “Spencer.”

You could feel your heart skip a beat upon hearing his name but kept completely still as Luke left the room and Emily and JJ walked into the room.

“You’re taking turns now?” you asked and Emily cleared her throat,

“Me and JJ are the only people in our team who haven’t spent as much time with you, so we figured it would be better if we interrogated you.”

“I didn’t do it.”

Emily pulled herself a chair as JJ crossed her arms, standing by the wall.

“Can you walk me through what happened this morning?”

You took a deep breath, “I woke up,” you said, “With a headache. I knew something was wrong, I felt it. My window was open, the front door was half open and my phone wasn’t where I left it. I stepped outside my room, saw the blood, went to the kitchen and saw—“ you gritted your teeth and clenched your fists, “Saw my ex-boyfriend there. Dead. Lying in a pool of his blood.”

“But you heard nothing.”

“I never sleep for the whole night,” you said slowly, “Check my blood test. Something happened last night.”

“We don’t have your blood test results yet, but there was no sign of any sexual—“

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” You cut her off, a shiver running down your spine, “That’s not it. Whoever it was, they didn’t touch me, they wanted…”

“What did they want?”

You shrugged slightly, “I don’t know. They wanted me to see it I think. My…my father’s crime scenes.”

JJ took a deep breath and pushed herself off the wall.

“And you don’t think it’s a little too convenient?”

You pulled your brows together, looking at her and she stepped closer to the table, her eyes fixed on you.

“Two victims so far,” she said, “The ones that we knew that were in the same place as you, they had some connection to you. That woman who was killed at the charity ball, you didn’t get along when you were kids, you turned her down as a client before she was killed, and now your ex-boyfriend ends up dead, in your apartment because you sent him a—“ she scoffed, “I’m sorry, someone sent him a late night text, inviting him to your apartment.”

“JJ,” Emily started but JJ held up a hand while you tried to wrap your head around it.

She had a point. Two victims so far had some connection to you and that was not a coincidence, it couldn’t have been.

“You think I did it,” you rasped out and she scoffed.

“I think you had something to do with all of this,” she said, “I think you’ve been trying to manipulate Spencer for something. The best case scenario, you were cheating, that’s why Anthony was there and something went bad, the worst case….” She shook her head, “You’re behind every single murder we’ve been looking into, and Spencer was just a tool for you. He’s my best friend, and if I find one single proof that you put him in harm’s way, I swear to God I will destroy you.”

Two people had ended up dead, and that was your fault. The copycat was going after people who had some kind of connection to you, and apparently no one except you and your family was safe.

The idea was way too painful to even exist inside your head, but it was clear as day. JJ was right, you were putting Spencer in harm’s way just by being with him, and if it were him, if you had seen him lying in a pool of his blood, his eyes wide open—

You dug your fingernails into your palms until it hurt before you managed to lift your head, that invisible wall which kept you safe from anyone and everyone who could possibly see anything you felt going up again.

“You…” you trailed off, your throat burning, “You don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“What does that mean?” Emily asked but before you could say anything, someone slammed the door open, making you and the agents turn.

Mina.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” she asked no one in particular and stepped aside so that 4 lawyers could walk inside before the police officer rushed to you to remove the handcuffs off your wrists.

“You’re not saying another word,” she snapped her fingers, “Come on, we’re leaving.”

“We’re going to need her to sign some papers,” the officer said as Mina grabbed your wrist to pull you out of the room, making you hiss in a breath and she froze, lowering her glances to check your sore wrists for any bruises.

“What did they do to you?”

You shook your head silently, and something in Mina’s gaze shifted. You had seen it only a couple of times, including that time you were getting stitches after some girls in your classroom had ambushed you in the bathroom, and more importantly, you had seen that look on her face when Lily had fever that one time and you all had to rush to the hospital and the doctors said she couldn’t see her.

It was fire, similar to yours, ready to burn everything in its path.

“Don’t say anything to anyone. You two,” she motioned at the two lawyers, “Read whatever she’s supposed to sign.”

The lawyers approached the desk by the door as Mina put her coat over your shoulders, rubbing at your arms as you swayed slightly on your feet, trying to focus.

“We’re leaving, okay sweetheart?”

“Miss—“

“No,” When Mina turned to the police officers and the BAU team, any trace of softness in her voice disappeared, “You don’t talk. If you don’t want to get into even more trouble, you’re going to listen to me right now.”

The officer that had been with you at the interrogation room just blinked a couple of times, obviously taken aback.

“Do you have any idea what you just did to yourself?” she asked, “What you did to this whole precinct? Because allow me to explain, my sister was a victim in this scenario, and you tried to pin this shit on her to make her a scapegoat,” she shook her head, “We will be suing you for defamation of character—“

“Mina, your sister—” JJ started but she snapped her fingers at her.

“I haven’t even started with you yet, wait for your turn.”

“Mina…” you murmured but she didn’t even look like she could hear you,

“Where was I? Defamation of character because press will be all over this, intentional infliction of emotional stress and wrongful arrest and hey, to make things fun we will also be requesting the security footage in the interrogation room and if I see one very small slip of anything that wasn’t supposed to be said and done in that room…” Mina tilted her head, “Well, let’s just say that by the time I’m done with you guys and this whole precinct, the only thing you will be able to afford is going to be a typewriter and a desk.”

One of the lawyers came to tell you the document was alright to sign and as soon as you approached the desk, a door by the hall opened and Spencer stepped out.

It was almost excruciating not to be able to run to him. He looked as shocked as he was and he took a step towards you but JJ stepped in front of him as you grabbed the pen, ignoring the way your name spilled from his lips in a whisper.

“Oh, hi genius.” Mina called out, “Were you getting a glass of water while your team was hounding my sister or something?”

Spencer looked almost confused only for a moment before he turned to look at JJ who deliberately averted her glances from him.

“Mina, this is not necessary,” you croaked out as you signed the papers and she shook her head.

“No, this is very necessary, trust me. You need to show these people what you’re capable of or they will try to fuck you up, case and point.” She turned to Emily, “You’re the one in charge, I suppose?”

“I am.”

“Good. Consider this your warning, because the next time anyone in your team, including the puppy dog eyes over there gets any closer to my sister, we will be getting a restraining order for each and every one of you.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, still swaying on your feet and you hugged the coat around you tighter.

Not that you could do anything other than watching this.

“Your sister is an active part of this investigation, your father specifically asked for—“

“My sister is a civilian,” Mina growled, “She has no responsibility for this case, you do. How about you surprise me and do your fucking jobs?”

You took a breath to say it wasn’t fair, that it wasn’t their fault but Mina turned to look at you.

“Get in the elevator, we’re leaving.”

You were way too tired to fight her, way too tired to even stand there so you followed the army of lawyers to the elevator, while Mina shot the officers and the BAU members a fake smile.

“Pleasure, let’s never do this again,” she said, and got in the elevator with you, and you tried to keep your expression still, Spencer staring at you until the doors slid close.

“4 lawyers?” you managed to say, “I don’t think even Bundy had four lawyers.”

“Tell that to mom,” she said, “She was on the phone with a congressman the last I checked.”

You couldn’t even smile at that, but Mina let out a breath before pulling you into a bone crushing hug, making the tears rush to your eyes as you wrapped your arms around her.

“Never do that to me again, you hear me?” her voice cracked for the first time and you nodded slowly.

“I won’t,” you said, “I promise.”

                                                   ***

It was as if someone had pulled all your energy out of your body. You were exhausted, you could barely understand what anyone was saying but you knew there was no way you could sleep anytime soon.

The blood test, as the lawyers had informed you, finally came back and just like you suspected, they had found traces of chloroform in your system. That and your team of lawyers combined were more than enough to get rid of any kind of accusations against you, so at least you had that.

On the other hand, the fear, the guilt, the sadness were still there inside of you, even if you felt way too numb to reach it.

You wondered if Spencer would have a scientific explanation for that.

Your mother had insisted you would never step a foot into your apartment again, she was already looking for a new apartment for you, one with multiple security systems and until that happened she had told you you would be staying at her house.

The damn thing was way too big anyway and you and Mina had grown up there so you figured it would serve as some sort of shelter.

If it even existed for you.

“Here you go sweetheart,” your mother pushed the tea cup towards you, “Drink it, it’ll make you feel better.”

“I’m fine.”

Kenzie heaved a sigh, “It’s okay if you’re not,” she said, “No one expects you to, anyone would be traumatized.”

“The real estate agent already sent me three apartments,” your mother said, “Huge windows, you love a bright apartment.”

“Mom,” Mina said silently and she heaved a sigh.

“It could help her distract herself,” her head shot up, “Y/N, you should go on a vacation! Somewhere far away from here.”

“Somewhere peaceful could be nice?” Kenzie added, “I think that’s a good idea.”

You and Mina exchanged glances.

“I heard Fiji is lovely this time of the year,” your mother said and you let out a breath.

“Mom, two people died because of me,” you croaked out, “I’m not going to Fiji for vacation.”

“Honey, you could use some peace,” she held your chin carefully and lifted it so that she could look at you better, “You look so…”

“I look like how I feel,” you said and turned your head when the doorbell rang, making Mina sit up straighter.

“Who’s that?” she asked when the maid walked in.

“Spencer Reid?”

“What?” you and Kenzie asked at the same time, your heartbeat getting faster and Mina jumped on her feet but you stopped her, shaking your head.

“It’s okay,” you sniffled, nodding to yourself, “It’s….it’s fine. There’s no point in dragging it out.”

“Dragging what out?” Mina asked you but you walked out of the living room and reached the front door, trying to ignore the warmth filling your system as soon as your eyes caught the sight of him. You stepped out of the house and he pulled you into a tight hug, burying his nose into your hair and inhaling deeply as if it helped him calm down while you just stood there, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay.

You had to do it. No matter how much it hurt you, no matter how much you didn’t want to.

No matter how badly it would rip your heart out.

“You okay?” he asked you, his fingers pushing your hair behind your ear, “I tried your apartment but I figured…”

“Yeah, I’m not going back there,” you shrugged your shoulders, “I’ll move out, it’s fine.”

“Do you want to stay at my place?” he asked quickly and you closed your eyes for a moment, every cell in your body begging you to change your mind.

You couldn’t though. You’d rather die than see him lying in a pool of his blood, all because of you.

“Don’t say that,” you whispered and opened your eyes again, “Please don’t say that.”

He looked almost confused, tilting his head to the side like a puppy before it dawned on him.

“Is this about the file on me?”

You shook your head and he took a deep breath.

“About today?”

“I didn’t send that message,” you said, “To Anthony, I mean. I wouldn’t…. I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

“I know that.”

“And I didn’t kill him. I don’t know if you heard, but the blood tests came back positive for—”

“I never doubted that, not even for one second,” he insisted, “With or without blood test.”

“You might be the only one,” you murmured and he paused for a moment.

“What did JJ say to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Because we had an argument on the jet on our way back here and whatever she said…”

You shook your head again, trying to smile.

“I get it,” you murmured, “She’s your best friend, she’s protective of you. That’s normal.”

“Yeah but if she thinks that you’re capable of—”

“I want to break up.”

You could swear the words burned your mouth, some invisible hand clutching your heart tighter and tighter as you willed yourself to keep your eyes on the street, because you were sure that every wall you built to keep your emotions under control would crash down the moment you looked at him. Out of the corner of your eye you could see that he froze and he blinked a couple of times, as if he was lost.

“What?” he asked silently and you tried to swallow the lump growing bigger and bigger in your throat.

“Y/N, wait—no,” he said quickly, breathing hard, “Listen, whatever they said to you today during the interrogation, if that’s what this is about—”

“It has nothing to do with that,” you forced yourself to say, crossing your arms and he took a step closer to you.

“Whatever the problem is,” he rasped out, “We can solve it, okay? Don’t do this.”

That was when it dawned on you.

It wasn’t enough to push him away. You had to make sure to burn that bridge so that neither of you could ever find your way back to each other.

“It’s not one of your cases Spencer, you can’t solve this one,” you muttered and finally turned your head to look up at him, your stomach churning at the sight of betrayal on his face.

“I don’t understand.”

“You—it’s—“ you stammered, trying to find the words, “It’s going way too fast, alright? It’s going way too fast and it’s going to fucking crash, and I can’t—“ you cleared your throat when your voice cracked, “I’m not going to crash with this, I can’t.”

Your father had taught you this way too long ago, when you were too young to even question it.

Stab the prey, twist the knife, pull it back and watch them bleed.

Stab the prey.

“I mean come on Spencer, we’re not in love or anything,” you shrugged your shoulders, “Should be easy enough.”

He stared at you for a couple of seconds, his mouth slightly agape and his brows furrowed, shock written all over his face.

“We’re not in love?” he repeated, “You…you don’t love me?”

Twist the knife.

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

His eyes searched your face, as if looking for any kind of clue that could tell him you were lying, or that it was a trick but for once, it was in vain.

You’d had spent years learning how to control your emotions and your expression when it came to heartbreak.

Pull it back.

“It’s not my fault if you’re in love,” you said, each word making you hate yourself more and more, “I can’t be held responsible for that.”

Stabbing yourself would’ve been less painful, you were sure of that but you knew you had to keep going. One last step, one last sentence and you would be done.

Watch them bleed.

“I never told you to love me.”

Then, silence.

You had to give it to him though, it took him faster than it would’ve taken you to pull yourself together if you were the one on the receiving end of this. He blinked back the tears, clenched his jaw and in a second, his gaze turned cold, exactly like yours.

“Yeah,” he said slowly, nodding, “You didn’t.”

But you had forgotten one small detail. 

Spencer knew how to withdraw that knife and stab back.

You cleared your throat and turned around to get inside the house but before you could step in, you heard his voice.

“I was wrong.”

You looked over your shoulder, clutching at the straws to keep it together, “I’m sorry?”

“I was wrong,” he stated, his voice was distant and held no trace of its usual warmth, “Before, I mean. In terms of behavior and psychology, you’re exactly your father’s daughter.”

With that, he walked away from the house, and you just stood there for a moment before stepping into the house and closing the door behind you, that comfortable haze of shock slowly withdrawing from your mind like mist. That hand squeezing your heart twisted it in your chest and you tried to breathe, pressing a hand on your chest.

“Sweetheart?” your mother called out as she stepped into the hallway, then slowly approached you, “You okay?”

It was impossible to stop the tears rushing to your eyes now and a gasp escaped from your lips as you shook your head.

“Mom,” you whimpered, “Please, my—my heart hurts...”

She rushed to you and shushed you gently, pulling you into a tight hug and caressing your hair as you slipped to the ground and you buried your face to her shoulder.

Then the sobs came.

Chapter 18

[iamtrebleclefstories]

maybe it’s wrong to say I love you - part two 

Part Two: Home

people I’ve loved, I’ve had no regrets... some I remember, some I forget...

So... this monstrosity of a fic was supposed to be a miniseries, but it’s obviously evolved into this giant. Hope you enjoy it and let me know what think and what you hope to see next!

If you haven’t read Part One, you can find it here!

p.s - You might wanna get the tissues out for this one

TW: Mentions of suicide, self-harm, and abuse

Part Two: Home

-Wish I were with you, but I couldn't stay-

-Every direction leads me away-

Leaving Seattle was probably one of the most difficult decisions Jo had ever made. And that was coming from someone who’d lived through some really crappy things in her twenty-eight years of life. When she turned her resignation into Webber, he did everything in his power to get her to stick around. He pointed out that it was kind of ridiculous to just up and leave one of the best residency programs in the country because of a guy. Normally, she’d agree. She’s worked way too damn hard in her life for it to come to this. But Alex wasn’t just a guy. He was her person. He was her family. And sometimes you needed to sacrifice things in order to keep your family safe and happy. 

When Webber realized that Jo was not going to change her mind about moving, he offered to put her in contact with an old colleague who was the chief of surgery at a hospital on the east coast. That’s how she ended up on a six and a half hour flight from Seattle to Florida. She started working at the Jacksonville branch of Mayo Clinic about a week later. 

It was different. Very different from Seattle. It was hot and humid all the time. Sure the beaches were nice, but Jo didn’t think she’d ever lived somewhere so unbearably hot in her entire life. Something that was nice though was the rain. Because even though Florida was nicknamed the Sunshine State, she felt like it was constantly raining. It reminded her of Seattle. It reminded her of home. 

Months passed and Jo felt like she was finally starting to heal, albeit very slowly. But she was healing nonetheless. She could go an entire day without even thinking about Alex Karev and how he was probably living it up with his wife. Sure, those days also just so happened to be days where Jo literally did not have the time to think of him, but she was grateful for the slight reprieve that work had given her over the constant influx of painful memories. 

By the time the end of her third year of residency was coming to a close, she thought she’d finally done it. She made it an entire week without crying over Alex and everything that they had lost. She was proud of herself. So proud, that she thought maybe she could try to move on and start dating again. 

She was on her first date post-Alex when she saw the news on the bar television. Mass shooting at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital in Seattle, Washington. Multiple lives lost, many injured, including some of the doctors and staff. 

Jo felt absolutely sick to her stomach. She excused herself from her date and rushed back over to her apartment and searched for the little black book where she’d written down the phone numbers of all her friends before throwing out her old phone and getting a new number. She found it and shakily dialed the first number she saw—Meredith’s—and prayed that someone on the other line would answer. 

“Hello?” A tired voice croaked.

“Mer?” 

“Jo? Is that you?” 

Jo let out a sigh of relief, “Oh my God. I saw the news. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” There was a sob on the other end of the line, making Jo’s heart beat wildly against her chest. “Meredith, what happened?”

“It was horrible,” Meredith cried, her sniffles being heard from Jo’s end of the call. Jo waited patiently for Meredith to calm herself enough to inform her of what happened. “Today was the worst day of my life.”

“Did anyone we know—“

“Yes,” Meredith stated quietly. “Derek was shot in the heart and almost died. Cristina saved him, though. The doctors are optimistic. Owen got shot in the arm. I lost my baby—“

“You were pregnant?” Jo’s eyes began to water.

“Yeah,” Meredith whimpered. “I had a miscarriage today.”

“Mer, I’m so sorry,” Jo felt a couple tears escape her eyes. “What about everyone else?”

“Bailey watched someone die in her arms,” Meredith shared. “His name was Charles. He was a resident. He was new, but not so bad. This other girl named Reed died. So did a couple nurses and security guards. No kids, though. Lexie is okay. Mark is okay. Arizona and Callie are okay.”

“Mer, you haven’t said anything about Alex. Why aren’t you saying anything about Alex?” Jo’s heart hammered inside her rib cage. There was silence coming from Meredith’s side of the call. “Meredith. Please. Tell me he isn’t dead.”

“He isn’t dead,” Meredith stated. “But I’m not completely sure he’s going to live.”

Jo heard the sob before she registered it was hers, “What happened?”

“He was shot in the chest,” Meredith’s voice quivered a bit. “Lexie and Mark found him, but by the time they found him he’d already lost so much blood. They put in a chest tube and tried to do as much as they could in the conference room on the fourth floor. But he hasn’t woken up yet. Someone needs to make some decisions regarding his care. The bullet ripped through his lung. They need to figure out whether they’re gonna take him back into surgery or just hope he makes it through the night.”

“Oh God,” Jo felt the tears stream down her face. She took a couple deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. What’s Izzie going to have them do?”

“Jo, Izzie isn’t the one who’s going to make those decisions,” Meredith said cautiously. 

“What do you mean? She’s his wife isn’t she? What is she going to have them do?” 

“You don’t know?” Meredith asked. 

“Don’t know what?” Jo shook her head. She couldn’t figure out why Meredith sounded so weird. 

“Um, nothing… it’s just… we were looking at Alex’s medical forms and you’re Alex’s power of attorney.”

“What?” Jo’s eyes widened. “Why me? Why not Izzie?”

“I guess he trusted that you’d make the right decisions,” Meredith paused. “You don’t have to come. I know it might be too hard for you.”

“No. No, I’ll come,” Jo decided and began to quickly pack an overnight bag. “I’m coming right now.”

Less than ten hours later, Jo was standing outside of Alex’s hospital room standing next to Meredith and Cristina as she spoke to the doctors about Alex’s health. After deciding the best course of treatment, Jo turned to look at her friends, “Where is Izzie?”

The two women exchanged a look. Cristina let out a sigh, “She’s visiting her mom. I don’t know if she knows.”

“Oh,” Jo nodded. “Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t see him like this.”

“Jo, you know that Izzie and Alex got—“Meredith started, quickly being interrupted by Jo.

“No, you know what? I don’t need to know,” Jo shook her head. “The one thing that coming here has taught me is that I’m still in love with him and that means I can’t be here. I can’t hear about his relationship with Izzie. Not today at least. Maybe in a few years when I’m over him and I don’t cry at the thought of him being with someone else, but not today.”

“But Jo, they’re—“ Cristina tried to get a word in.

“No. It’s okay,” Jo stuck her hand out, signaling Cristina to stop talking. “I did what I had to do and I’m going back. Don’t tell him that I was here or that you have my phone number. Please. I love you guys, but I need to leave.”

Her friends nodded and wrapped her in an uncharacteristic hug. Mer whispered in her ear, “Be safe. We’ll keep in touch.”

“Goodbye.”

————

-Just looking for shelter from the cold and the pain-

-Someone to cover, safe from the rain- 

Jo kept in contact with Meredith. The months following the shooting were difficult ones and Jo would often hear her phone ringing as Meredith called or texted her various updates regarding everyone’s lives. Everyone except Alex’s life. Jo was clear that she didn’t want to know what was going on in his life and perfect marriage with Izzie other than the fact that he was doing okay and thinking about specializing in peds apparently. 

She was about four or five months into her fourth year of residency when Jo was given an invitation to attend a medical conference in Orlando. Jo called Meredith immediately after and suggested she take a few days off to come attend the conference with her. 

“Jo I’d love to. Let me talk to the chief and see if I can get a few days off to visit you,” Meredith replied. 

About a week and a half later, Jo was picking Meredith up at the Orlando International Airport, “Mer!” 

“Jo!” The women embraced and Jo helped Meredith stuff her bags into the trunk of the car as they drove over to the hotel where the conference was being held. 

“How are you? How is everyone?” Jo asked. 

“We’re getting there. Things still aren’t as good as they could be,” Meredith shrugged. “Cristina got married.” 

“She what?” Jo’s eyes widened. “To Hunt?”

“Yup,” Meredith nodded. “She isn’t doing surgery right now either. I tried to convince her to come with me, but she wouldn’t listen.” 

Jo sighed, “I wish I could see her and literally slap some sense into her.” 

“You might be the only person who’d be successful at getting her to feel something,” Meredith chuckled. “It’s not the same without you there, Jo. Everything is so… boring and dull.”

“Boring and dull might just be the last thing you call Seattle Grace,” Jo wrinkled her face in amusement. “Especially since Mark Sloan got Callie pregnant. Poor Lexie.”

“I know,” Meredith shook her head. She stood quiet for a moment before speaking. “Don’t you ever miss it? Home?”

“Every day,” Jo answered. “Sure, I have some acquaintances, but it isn’t the same.” 

“So why don’t you come back?” 

“You know why,” Jo gave Meredith a pointed look. 

“But the reasons--” 

“Mer, stop. I told you I don’t want to know about him and Izzie,” Jo shook her head. 

“If you’d just let me talk you’d find out that things aren’t as perfect as you think they are,” Meredith crossed her arms. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jo took a deep breath. “No one, in the history of my life has ever loved me and hurt me more than Alex. And if I want to keep loving him and not hating him for making me love him, then I can't know about his personal life. I can’t.” 

“Okay. We won’t talk about Alex anymore,” Meredith sighed. What she’d been trying to tell Jo was that Alex and Izzie had gotten divorced over a year ago and in an effort to cover the pain of losing the two women he loved, he’d reverted back to his days as a diseased man-whore. But Jo wasn’t having it. 

The first two days of the conference were fun and informative. Jo and Meredith used the time they weren’t in sessions to get some much needed rest. The third day of the conference Jo and Meredith were getting ready to walk in when Jo saw him. She knew immediately who it was as soon as she saw the back of his head. She’d never forget that man as long as she lived. 

Meredith must’ve realized how Jo went pale and started to tremble because she placed her hand lightly on Jo’s arm in concern, “Jo. Are you feeling okay? What’s wrong?” 

“I⎯I have to get out of here,” Jo grasped Meredith’s arm tightly. “Mer, I need you to get me out of here right now.” 

“Okay,” Meredith pulled Jo out of the hotel conference room and into the lobby where Jo finally let out a cry, startling Meredith. “Jo, what’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”

Jo had begun hyperventilating at some point and was struggling to catch her breath as she saw his name on the speaker schedule for the day on the poster outside of conference room doors. She didn’t know how she hadn’t noticed it before. She didn’t know how she could’ve missed it. Why was he here? Had he found her? Did he know she was in Florida?

“Jo!”

“Huh?” Jo turned to Meredith with scared eyes. 

“Jo, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. You begged me to get you out of that room. What happened?” 

“I⎯I’m married.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I’m married to a man who almost beat me to death. I ran away from him eight years ago and never divorced him because I was afraid he’d come find me and kill me,” Jo shared, body shaking in fear. 

“Does Alex know?” Meredith asked, brows furrowed.

“He’s the only person I’ve ever told,” Jo nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He knows everything. About Paul, the abortion, how I ran away and changed my name. Jo Wilson isn't even my real name.”

Meredith wrapped Jo in a tight hug, “You’re okay. I’m here and I’m not leaving you alone. Not for one second.”

They found out that Paul lived in Florida, Orlando, specifically and had been working at Orlando Medical Group for the past five years. He was a speaker at the conference and would be giving a presentation on minimally invasive surgery techniques. They’d been in their hotel room for a few minutes when Jo finally spoke again. 

“Meredith, what if he sees me? What if he comes to hurt me?” Fear etched on Jo’s face. “He’s here. He’s here and I don’t even have Al—I don’t have anyone.”

“Do you want me to call him?” 

“No.”

“Jo, let me call him. Please,” Meredith squeezed one of Jo’s hands. “He’s going to want to be here with you. He misses you. He still loves you.”

“Meredith, stop,” Jo looked up at the ceiling. “If Alex were here he’d just do something stupid and get himself killed or wind up in jail or the hospital and I refuse to put him through that.”

“Okay,” Meredith sighed. “But you are not alone. You have me and we’re going to find a great lawyer who’s going to get you a restraining order and a divorce, because no one should be tied to a man like that. And I will stay here as long as I need to, to make that happen.”

——————

-The echoes and silence, patience and grace-

-All of these moments I'll never replace-

Realistically, Meredith couldn’t stay with Jo the entire time it would take her to process her divorce. The next few months after submitting the request for the dissolution of marriage were full of Jo looking over her shoulder practically every minute of every day.

It was on a Tuesday in February when it happened. She’s just got out of a surgery with Dr. Baker, their chief of surgery when she heard the most chilling sound. 

“Hi Brooke. Or should I say Jo? It is Jo now, isn’t it?” 

Jo turned around slowly to face him, eyes flitting over to Dr. Baker who seemed to be watching with concern, “Paul. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know, just checking up on my wife,” Paul sneered. “A wife I had not seen in eight years, so imagine my surprise when my lawyer presented me with divorce papers that my wife had filed not long before and that a court date has been set a month from today.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jo glared at him. “I have a restraining order. It’s all supposed to go through the courts. We aren’t supposed to have any contact with each other.” 

“I know,” Paul flashed her a disarming smile. “I just couldn’t resist coming to pay you a visit. Especially when I found out that you were living in the same state.”

“You need to leave before I call security,” Jo stood her ground. “You are not supposed to be anywhere near me, so you need to leave and go home.” 

“No… you know, I don’t think I will,” Paul answered, his menacing grin sending her heart beating wildly. “I think I’ll stick around and—“

“Is there a problem here?” Dr. Baker stood behind Paul, arms crossed as he took in the man’s tall frame. 

“No sir there’s no—“

“Yes,” Jo looked at Dr. Baker and nodded. “Yes there is a problem. This man is my husband whom I am in the process of divorcing. I have a restraining order on him and he is not allowed to be within a thousand feet of me.”

“Sir, I am going to need you to leave the premises immediately,” Dr. Baker pointed towards the exit. “Remove yourself or you shall be removed. And if I hear or see that you are anywhere on or near hospital grounds, I will not hesitate to call security.”

“Fine. I’ll leave,” Paul sent Jo an angry scowl. “But just so you know, you better watch your back. I have no plans on making this easy for you. I’ll see you in court.”

Jo watched as Paul walked out of the hospital and waited until he was out of sight before crumbling onto the floor. Dr. Baker kneeled down beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Is there anyone you like me to call for you? I know you used to work with Dr. Webber in Seattle. Would you like me to call him?” 

“No,” Jo shook her head. “No it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I can take care of myself.”

“Wilson,” Dr. Baker’s stern voice warned. “You should not be doing this alone. And you definitely should not be staying in your apartment alone. If you aren’t going to call anyone to come be with you, then you should let us help you. Why don’t you stay with my wife and I for a few days until we know he’s gone?”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“You won’t be,” Dr. Baker shook his head. The older gentleman was not taking no for an answer. “Stay with Lisa and I. Just for a few days. Until Friday.”

Jo sighed, “Okay, fine. Thank you.”

“Of course,” Dr. Baker squeezed her shoulder lightly. “I’ll have my assistant give you my address so you can head over there as soon as your shift is over today.”

Jo thanked him again and watched as her chief walked away, leaving her in the hallway alone. Jo searched around for the nearest on-call room and reached into her pocket for her phone, dialing a number as soon as she walked inside. 

“Hello?”

“Mer?”

“Jo? Hi. What’s going on?” Meredith answered, the sound of the hospital buzzing in the background. 

“He came, Meredith. My husband? He came and found me. He was here. He came to the hospital,” Jo felt her body shake as she recounted the day’s events. 

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Meredith asked frantically.

“No he didn’t hurt me. But he threatened me. I think,” Jo shrugged.

“What do you mean you think he threatened you? Jo, he’s not even supposed to be within a thousand feet of you. We made sure of that.���

“He told me to watch my back. He said he wasn’t going to make this easy for me,” Jo sniffled and wiped a couple straying tears. 

“Jo, I think it’s time to tell Alex.”

“No. No, Mer we can’t tell him. He doesn't deserve to get caught up in my mess. It’s my mess. I’ll deal with it.”

“Don’t be stupid. Don’t play the martyr.”

“This isn’t about me playing a martyr Mer,” Jo huffed.

“Then what is it? Because I’m not understanding.”

“He didn’t choose me!” Jo exclaimed. “That day he told me that he was going to marry Izzie, I told him that I’d do it. I’d divorce Paul. If he wanted to be committed, if he wanted to be married, that I’d get a divorce. Even though I was terrified of this exact thing happening, I was willing to do it for him. I was willing to put it all on the line to just be with him and he still chose her. He chose Izzie. And I can’t get over that Mer. I can’t get over the fact that the one person that I love more than anything in this world, saw that I was willing to give it all up for him, and still didn’t choose me.”

“Derek chose Addison, and now look. Addison is in LA and Derek and I are married.”

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Jo sighed, a few tears escaping her eyes. “Derek was married before you two met and fell in love. Addison cheated on him with his best friend. He chose her out of commitment and loyalty to his marriage. Alex didn’t do that. Alex chose Izzie because he wanted to, knowing that he had the option of marrying me. After promising me over and over again for the better part of a year that he’d wait for me and telling me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. It’s different.”

“Is it though?” Meredith asked. “Because at the end of the day, both of them chose women they didn’t truly love. And both of them suffered because of it.” There was silence on the other line for a moment before Meredith spoke up again, “Look, at the end of the day it’s your decision. But I think you should know that he still talks about you. At the most random moments, too. They’ll serve hotdogs in the cafeteria and he’ll comment how you hated the hotdogs they’d serve. Or we’ll be passing by a patient and their family and he’ll mention how you used to have the same scarf as the woman in the group. Or when he’s talking to a kid and they tell him that their favorite color is blue, he’ll say ‘that’s my best friend’s favorite color too.’ Not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of you, Jo. Just think about it.”

“We’ll see,” Jo let out a breath. “I need to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Alright. Please be safe, Jo. Goodbye.”

After hanging up the phone, Jo buried herself in her work until it was time to leave. She drove over to Chief Baker’s house and was welcomed in with open arms and a hot meal on the stove. The few days she stood there were nice. Dr. and Mrs. Baker had been married for thirty-seven years and had two children and five grandchildren. Mrs. Baker—who insisted on being called Lisa—was actually a nurse practitioner that had tons of experience working with ICU and CCU patients.

For the first time in a long time, Jo felt like she had people. The Baker residence was warm and welcoming and nothing like the many homes she grew up in as a child. The Bakers cared. Maybe that’s why she found herself opening up to them about her past and why she was hiding from Paul in the first place. Along with their help and some digging done by their daughter who was a private detective, Jo was able to find enough information on Paul to give her lawyer to put together a strong case that would ensure that Jo was granted all of the conditions of the divorce she sought after, mainly that Paul would not be able come near her and hurt her after the trial was over.

On the day of the trial, Jo was absolutely terrified. She was about to confront her abuser in court and did not know how to handle the nerves coursing through her. She wanted to vomit. She wanted to cry and run away and never look back. She wanted to change her name again so that Paul would never be able to find her. 

But that was the easy way out. She’s done enough running in her life to know that fleeing never truly solved anything either. It only made things painful. Still, Jo couldn’t shake the nerves she was feeling coursing through her. For the first time since this process began, she cursed her stubbornness for making her feel like she had to go through this alone. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Jo spotted something that caught her attention. It was an old pay phone, much like ones that she hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. Jo walked up to it and searched around her purse for some coins to get the phone to start. As soon as it did, she found herself punching in the phone number she knew so well and waited as it dialed. 

“Hello?”

Jo let out the tiniest sob, “Alex.”

“Jo? Jo! Oh my God, is that you? Are you okay? Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Jo’s sobs grew louder and stronger as she heard his worried voice on the other line.

“Jo, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

Jo placed a hand over her mouth and attempted to quiet her cries, “No, I’m okay. I just… I really needed to hear your voice... I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Alex breathed out. Even though she couldn’t see him, Jo could picture Alex’s face scrunched in sadness and worry. “Please come home.”

“I can’t,” Jo shook her head. “I, um, I’m doing something today. Something that I probably should’ve done a long time ago. I almost chickened out, too. But, I know I need to be brave. And I need to be strong. Anyway, I just wanted to hear your voice one last time before I go through it. You make me brave.”

“Go through with what? Jo, don’t do anything stupid. Please. I know I hurt you and I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, but please, I need you safe. Wherever you are. So, if you’re gonna⎯”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” Jo felt a few tears run down her face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed back then.” 

“All I needed was you. That’s still all I need.”

“I wish that were true,” Jo whispered and wiped her face. “You probably won’t hear from me after this. I wish things were different, but they’re not.” She paused. “I love you. Goodbye.” 

Jo hung up the phone quickly and took a deep breath, running her sweaty palms along the skirt of her dress in hopes of calming some of her nerves. She knew now what she had to do. She had to step into that courthouse and break things off with Paul once and for all. 

Back in Seattle, Alex was pacing frantically in the resident’s lounge, trying to call her back only to find out that the number she’d called from was a payphone. 

“Dammit!” Alex yelled and punched a wall. It had been almost two years since he’d spoken to Jo. Two years of wondering and worrying if he’d ever see her again, only to hear her voice on the other line of a pay phone for about thirty seconds. Alex sunk down onto the floor in the corner of the lounge and ran his hands over his face, trying to conceal the tears that were slowly falling down his cheeks. “Dammit. Dammit.”

“Alex?”

The voice startled him, causing him to look up at the source. Cristina was hovering over him with a concerned expression on her face. “What the hell is going on?”

Alex shook his head and wiped angrily at the tears, “Jo called me.”

“Jo? Jo called you?” Cristina raised her eyebrows. “Is she okay?”

“She was crying,” Alex trembled slightly at the thought of the conversation he’d just had. “She said that she was doing something today, but she wasn’t sure if she should go through with it and she wanted to hear my voice one last time before she made her decision. She told me she loved me and that I probably won’t hear from her again, then she hung up. I tried to call her back but she called me from a freaking pay phone, Yang. Who the hell uses a pay phone these days?”

Cristina stood silent and sat down beside Alex, waiting for him to say what he needed to say. After a minute, he spoke again, “I just keep getting these horrifying scenarios in my head. She said she wanted to hear my voice one last time… and all I can think is, what if she’s going to hurt herself? What if she's going to hurt herself right now and I’m not there to stop her? She’s done it before. She told me she almost ended it all, once when she was back in college. When she was with… but she chickened out and didn’t do it. I swear to God, Cristina, if she dies… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“She’s not going to die,” Cristina shook her head. “She can’t die. I’ve lost too many friends. She isn’t allowed to die.”

“This is all my fault.”

“No it’s not,” Cristina squeezed his knee. “You aren’t responsible for the decisions other people make.”

“This time it is though,” Alex bit his lip as he looked out into the empty lounge. “I’m such an idiot. I love her. I still love her… I always screw myself out of everything good.”

“You’ll find each other one day. You’ll see her again and be together and be happy. I have to believe that,” Cristina sighed. “Now get up off the floor and wipe your face. You’ll scare the kids.” 

————

-Pray for tomorrow, but for today-

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

After Jo’s divorce was finalized and the legal protections were put in place, she considered returning to Seattle. For the first time in almost a decade, she was finally free to do as she pleased. To live her life without the fear that Paul still had the upper hand. Because he didn’t have the power anymore. She’d made sure of that. In her quest to gain her divorce, Jo found out about other women who’d been abused by him in the years since she’d left New Jersey. All of their testimonies led to victory in the civil case against Paul and the beginnings of a criminal trial thanks to the charges being pressed by Paul’s current girlfriend, Jenny. The criminal trial was the main reason Jo decided to stay in Florida. She wanted to be there to testify and see the look on Paul’s face when he finally got what he deserved. 

Still, sometimes Jo would look out the window of the hospital she worked at, see the rain, the cars, the bustling, and remember the friends she’d left behind. The family she’d grown to love and care for. But the longer she remembered that, the sadder she got. It hurt too bad to think of all the what ifs. It hurt to picture her people moving on without her. 

So, Jo did what she did best. She worked. She worked hard to make sure that she was focused and the best in her class. Jo got the best surgeries, she had every attending surgeon’s attention, she was a rock-star and was even in the process of raising up her own set of baby interns. 

Being away was hard, though. Jo found herself walking up to the nursery and NICU to look at the babies like she and her friends had done so many times their intern year. There was something precious about that period in life. Something so fresh and hopeful and exciting. Maybe that’s why she gravitated towards maternal-fetal and pediatric surgery. It helped that the hospital she was working at was nationally ranked in obstetrics and gynecology. She found herself spending more time on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital, assisting complicated and rare surgeries. By the time she was in her fifth year of residency, she’d decided that maternal-fetal surgery was the way to go. She found so much joy in safeguarding the future of the tiny little lives that would soon be brought into the world.

Her purpose in life wasn’t the only thing that she found on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital. It was also where she met Jason. Jason Myers was an OB resident she found herself spending an increasing amount of time with. He was hot and charming and funny and he was the first guy Jo truly dated after leaving Seattle. It was casual and fun, something that Jo hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

They’d been together for about four months when Jo noticed a couple red flags. It started when she began traveling for her fellowship interviews in the last few months of her residency. Jason began to get demanding and possessive. He grabbed her roughly on a couple occasions and had stumbled into their apartment completely wasted and smelling of another woman’s perfume. 

“I think I’m going to have to break up with my boyfriend,” Jo sighed as spoke into the phone to Meredith.

“You’re finally going to break up with that asshole? Thank God,” Meredith replied. “Jo, you could do so much better.”

“I know. You were right,” Jo rolled her eyes as she pictured Meredith’s smug face. Before she’d even started dating Jason, Meredith told her that it was a bad idea, despite having never met him. “It was just so easy in the beginning. Sure it’s been fun, but I knew it would never be more than just this. But for the past month, he’s just been so mean and nasty. A complete douchebag. I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving for Michigan in a few weeks, for crying out loud.”

“You know, Dr. Herman still hasn’t filled her Maternal-Fetal Surgery Fellowship position yet. You should reach out to her and see if she’ll take you into consideration,” Meredith suggested. 

“Mer, the Maternal-Fetal Pediatric Surgery Fellowship at UMich is a fantastic program,” Jo said as she continued to walk down the halls of the hospital. “Besides, I don’t think I’d be able to face Alex after all these years.”

“Jo, you wouldn’t have to,” Meredith paused. “Alex got into Hopkins’ Pediatric Surgery program.”

“He what?”

“Yup,” Jo could almost hear the smile in Meredith’s tone as she filled her in. “He’s going to Baltimore to be a peds fellow.”

“That’s amazing,” Jo breathed out. Truly, she was so proud of how far he’d come in his career. “I knew from the moment you talked about the Africa project that brought you Zola that he’d be going into peds. But Hopkins? God, I wish I could tell him how proud I am.” 

“I’d say you could always call him, but that suggestion would fall of deaf ears,” Meredith chuckled lightly. “Anyway, he’s leaving so there's nothing stopping you from coming to Seattle. Come home, Jo. I’m sure UMich is great, but Herman is the best of the best. Plus, we’re here. Me, Cristina, Lexie, Bailey, your new niece. We’re all here in Seattle. Come be with us.”

“You know what, I think I will apply,” Jo said after a moment. “I’m tired of running. 

“I’ll email you Herman’s contact information,” Meredith exclaimed excitedly. “Good luck with your break up.” 

“Haha, thanks.”

—————

-People I've loved, I have no regrets- -Some I remember, some I forget- -Some of them living, some of them dead-

The plane crash was the true turning point for Jo. That call wrecked her in ways she didn’t know she could be wrecked. She wanted to go over there as soon as possible, but Jo still had two weeks left of her residency to complete before she made her final decision about which fellowship position she would choose. However, as soon as she was relieved from her duties at Mayo in Jacksonville, she found herself engaged in a very nasty break up with Jason and lugged all of her belongings across the country. Four days and some three thousand miles later, Jo found herself on the doorstep of the frat house face to face with a tired looking Meredith. Jo immediately wrapped her arms around her friend as she cried for the sister she’d lost. Jo rubbed comforting circles on Meredith’s back before she looked up and locked eyes with Alex. He froze and if it weren’t for the small child he was holding in his arms, Jo was sure he might’ve passed out with the way his eyes widened in disbelief.

Jo ushered Meredith back into the house and motioned Alex to the door, where he went to grab her bags and pull them inside. Meredith grasped at Jo’s arms as they sat side by side on the couch, “Lexie is dead. Mark is dying. Arizona is dying. Cristina won’t speak. Derek’s arm is ruined. And I… I don’t know what to do.” 

“It’s okay, Mer. I’m here. I’m here,” Jo smoothed down Meredith’s hair soothingly as she attempted to keep her own tears at bay. “You don’t have to worry about that right now. You don’t have to be in control. You don’t have to care of everyone. Just rest. You need to rest.”

A couple hours later, Jo was sitting on the couch with Meredith’s head on her lap, finally sound asleep. Jo had been staring out the window, lost in thought when she heard a couple footsteps come down the stairs. She looked up and saw Alex staring at her with a strange expression on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jo breathed out in response.

“I just put Zola to sleep,” Alex pointed up to the second floor. He stared at her in silence for a minute more before speaking. “You’re here.”

“Yeah,” Jo gave him an almost imperceptible nod. “I’m here… what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Hopkins.”

“I told them I needed to hold off for a month because of Robbins. How do you know…?”

Jo motioned to the friend that was currently asleep on her lap, “We’ve kept in touch.”

“You what? You guys talk to each other?” Alex asked, his brow furrowing. 

“Yeah. About once a week,” Jo whispered nonchalantly. 

“You two talk to each other. Once a week?” Alex scoffed. “And you didn’t think to, I don't know… maybe call me? Meredith didn’t think to tell me that she was in contact with you?”

“I asked her not to say anything,” Jo eye’s moved away from his face to look at Meredith’s sleeping form. 

“I was worried about you. I thought you were dead,” Alex glared at her. 

“Wait, what?” Jo’s face wrinkled in confusion. “Why would you think that?”

“Because of that phone call a year and a half ago!” Alex whisper-yelled. “You called me from a freaking payphone, sobbing and said that you needed to hear my voice one last time before you went through with ‘it.’ I had no idea what the ‘it’ was. You have to know what that must’ve sounded like from my end. I’ve been playing that conversation over and over again in my head for the better part of a year and a half, wondering if you killed yourself.” 

“No, Alex I would never… I mean, I know I tried it once, but I value my life now. I would never do something to intentionally harm myself.”

“Then what the hell were you doing calling me and scaring me half to death like that?” Alex crossed his arms and looked at her seriously. 

“I…” Jo took a deep breath. “I got divorced from Paul that day.”

“You’re free?” Alex’s face softened slightly.

“I’m free,” Jo confirmed, eyes watering. “I got legal protections that day as well and I made the decision to testify in Paul’s criminal trial that would determine whether he was guilty of the charges his then-girlfriend, Jenny accused him of. I wasn’t the only girl he abused, but I got to make sure that he never gets the chance to do it again. He’s currently serving five years in prison for domestic violence, abuse, and a couple of other charges.” Jo paused. “I called you because I almost didn’t walk into that courtroom. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same room as him, even with everyone else around. But you always did have a way of making me feel like I could do anything.” 

The pair got quiet. They stood in the tense silence before Alex asked the question he’d been wondering since she walked in through those doors, “How long are you here for?”

“I’m here to stay,” Jo shared. “I’m Dr. Herman’s newest maternal-fetal surgical fellow. I came as soon as I could when I heard about the crash.”

“Maternal-fetal? What happened to ortho?”

“What happened to plastics?” Jo's mouth twitched up into a small smile. “So, peds, huh?”

“Turns out I’m great with those little suckers,” Alex chuckled lightly.

“Me too,” Jo smiled shyly. “I’m especially good when they’re in-utero though.” 

“Guess I’m the out guy,” Alex shrugged, a comfortable smile on his face. 

“Yeah,” Jo bit her lip lightly. “Where’s Izzie?”

“You don’t know?” 

“Don’t know what?” Jo tilted her head in question. “Oh God, don’t tell me she died or that her cancer is back.” 

“No,” Alex breathed out a laugh. “Well, honestly, I don’t know. We got divorced. I haven’t spoken to her since then.” 

“You what?” Jo’s jaw dropped. “What⎯when did this happen?” 

“About four months after you left.” 

“I need to go,” Jo gently moved Meredith’s head from her lap and slipped on her shoes, making her way towards the door.

“Where are you going? You just got here?” Alex moved close. “You can’t leave, not with Mer like this.” 

“Relax, I’ll be back before she wakes up. I just… I need to get out of here. I need to get away from you,” Jo walked out the door into the warm June night. 

She considered finding a hotel or going to the bar, but Jo was too exhausted from her four day trek to Seattle to go anywhere. She unlocked her car and jumped into the back seat, situating the seats so she could sleep there for the night and avoid the many, many problems until morning. 

In the days and weeks following, Jo became an invaluable asset to Meredith as she navigated the many hardships that came with the plane crash. She moved into her tiny apartment and Jo began her fellowship and started working at Seattle Grace Mercy West once again, to everyone’s pleasure. For the first time in forever, Jo was surrounded by people that she knew and loved, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was utterly alone. Maybe it had to do with the fact that ever since that night she arrived, she hadn’t talked to Alex. Apparently he must’ve noticed, because one day he got fed up. 

“Jo, come on. Please talk to me,” Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty on call room. “You’ve been back for over a month. You’ve talked to our friends. You’ve been getting to know Avery. You got friendly with Kepner before she got fired. You helped Cristina pack her things to go to Minnesota. You can’t ignore me forever. You’re a fetal surgeon. We’ve already had five cases together this month alone. Are you just trying to hold out until I leave for Hopkins? Well guess what, I’m leaving tonight so time’s up. You need to talk to me.”

It was true. In the month since their conversation at the frat house, Jo and Alex had an unusually high number of cases together that required that they spend quite a lot of time together. However, aside from the hours in the OR that she was required to spend with him, Jo found herself purposely avoiding him. The past few days had been especially difficult for her as she found out some unexpected information and was doing her best to avoid him so as not to fall apart in his arms. 

“Shut up, Alex. Shut up before I punch you in the face, because I swear to God I am so angry with you right now,” Jo was seething, doing everything in her power to keep from screaming at him. 

“What the hell did I do? I haven’t had a chance to get on your nerves,” Alex scrunched his face in confusion.

“You haven’t had a chance?” Jo threw her arms up in the air. “You divorced Izzie?”

“First of all, she divorced me,” Alex held up a finger. “Secondly, why the hell do you care?”

“What do you mean why the hell do I care? How dare you screw this up? I left and practically handed you to her. But you went and divorced her? And now you’re some man whore who doesn’t care where he sticks it?” Jo threw her hands up angrily. “How the hell could you let Izzie go? Why didn’t you chase her and beg her to stay? Why didn’t you swear you’d do better? Why didn’t you fight for her?”

“Because she wasn’t the one I wanted to fight for!” Alex shouted. The room went silent. So quiet that you could probably hear a pin drop. The pair stared at each other tensely, no one daring to move. Alex finally huffed a breath. “I could’ve fought for her. I could’ve made it work. But I didn’t want to.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah I know.”

“No, I’m serious Alex. Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?” Jo clenched her jaw. “Why did you even marry her?”

“I—I don’t know,” Alex shrugged. 

“I don’t know? I don’t know? That’s probably the most moronic thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. And that’s saying something because you’ve said some pretty stupid things,” Jo turned to face the wall and leaned her head against it. “I told you not to do it. I told you not to marry her. I told you that I was willing to put my own safety at risk to be with you and you chose her. You still chose poor, sick Izzie. You chose her and broke every single one of the promises you made me. Then you got divorced? And you didn’t even bother trying to fight? What the hell was it all for?”

“Don’t act like you’re innocent in all this,” Alex scoffed. “You were the one who left me. With a fucking letter, of all things! You didn’t even have the decency to say it to my face.”

“Because you wrecked me!” Jo yelled. “I gave you everything I had to give. I let you into my life, my bed, my heart. And somewhere along the line you decided that I wasn’t good enough or worth the wait. And stop talking like we were together. We weren’t together when I left! We were never together because you squashed that possibility before we even got the chance!”

“It doesn’t matter because you were my best friend! You were my best friend and you left and didn’t say goodbye. You didn’t leave a phone number, an email, and address. Nothing. You just disappeared. And when you did, it felt like I was a kid all over again. With no one who loved him or cared around,” Alex retorted.

“That’s a load of bullshit,” Jo spat. “You had a wife. You had friends. You had your home. Me leaving didn't completely upend and disrupt your life! I lost my home. I lost my best friend. I lost the only family I had ever known all so that you could have a chance at making your marriage work. Because I knew that if I was around, you’d only feel guilty. So I took myself out of the equation. I did it for you! I loved you enough to lose you, to let you go. Do you have any idea the amount of pain I’ve been in the past three years? Wishing I was here in Seattle, but constantly reminding myself that I left so that you could have a happy life with Izzie and so that I could heal. So imagine what a punch in the gut it feels like to find out that you haven’t even been with Izzie. You’ve been sleeping around with anyone and everyone easy enough to let you get into their pants, while I was in pain, all alone in Florida with nothing and no one but my chief of surgery and my douchebag ex-boyfriend.”

“Well things weren’t exactly sunshine and rainbows here either! But you wouldn’t know because you weren’t here! You’re so wrapped up in how much it all cost you and how much you sacrificed, but I never asked you to do any of it! You decided what was best for the both of us. You decided to leave, when all I wanted was to have you around. Because I have never loved anyone in my life more than I loved you. And that probably sounds pretty screwed up because I married Izzie, but it’s true. Do you know what a slap in the face it was when you left? Do you know that I cried in shower every once in a while because I missed you? And it wasn’t even the sex. It was the friendship. I missed your voice and your laugh and your advice. I missed you. But you decided to pretend like we didn’t matter and didn’t bother to leave me a way to contact you. So, let me make this easier. We don’t matter to each other! Not anymore because I’m done!” Alex bellowed. He took a steadying breath and laughed bitterly. “You know what, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m leaving tonight anyway and you’ll never have to see my face again. Have a nice life.”

Jo waited until Alex finally turned around and walked out of the on-call room before she crumbled onto the floor in tears. She pressed a hand to her chest and tried her will herself to calm down, but it was too much. None of it was supposed to be happening this way. She wasn’t supposed to come back to Seattle only to find out that Lexie died, Cristina left, and that Mark Sloan was getting unplugged tonight. She wasn’t supposed to see Alex at all. She wasn’t supposed to find out that he was divorced. She wasn’t supposed to watch him leave her. She wasn’t supposed to be making one of the hardest decisions in her life like this. Maybe that’s why she took out her phone and looked for Jason’s phone number and hit the dial button.

After he left the on-call room, Alex was a whirlwind, trying his best to make it to the airport with no more interruptions. What he didn’t bank on was running into Meredith. 

“Hey! So that’s it? I’m not even as good as one of your intern girls, huh? You’re not gonna say goodbye to me?” Meredith stood in front of him. 

“Mer, what are you doing here?” 

“Don’t change the subject,” Meredith narrowed her eyes. 

“Don’t make this a thing,” Alex rolled his eyes.

“Don’t make this a thing? Mark is dying right now, and that’s it. You’re just gonna leave too?” Meredith shook her head in disbelief.

“I’m just—I’m gonna be on the other side of the country. We’ll talk—“

“That’s what Cristina said. It’s not the same thing,” Meredith frowned. “Nothing is the same. Everything is different. Everyone is leaving and everyone is dying.”

“Don’t make this my problem,” Alex scowled. “I’m finally getting the hell out of here. I can’t keep standing around being the guy that should’ve been on the plane that crashed. I shouldn’t be here, Mer. I should be dead. Or I should’ve left months ago.” 

“Alex!” Meredith grabbed on to his jacket as he tried to walk away. 

“Get off,” he pushed her hand away. “Look, I’m not going to stay in Seattle just because you don’t want to be alone.”

“This isn’t about me not wanting to be alone. Because I won’t be alone. Jo’s here now, remember that? Remember the girl you’ve been in love with since our intern year? The one you’ve been pining over ever since she left three years ago? Well, you’re finally in the same city again. Are you really going to let that go?” Meredith stared at Alex intensely. 

“Jo doesn’t want me here. I just cause her pain,” Alex replied simply. “It’s time for me to go. I need to get out of Seattle Grace Mercy Death. I need to build a home and Hopkins won’t wait forever. I have a plane to catch, so, bye.”

With that, Meredith scoffed and turned on her heels, walking away. 

Alex watched as his friend walked away in anger and frustration. Shaking his head, Alex turned around and started towards his terminal. He was about to board the plane when he realized that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave and upend his life without knowing that it was the right thing to do. 

That’s how he found himself sitting at the bar beside Meredith at the terminal lounge. 

“What are you doing here?” Meredith asked. 

“Hey! Who is that?” Cristina’s voice sounded from Meredith’s iPad. “Point me.” 

“I’m sorry about before,” Alex cast Meredith a sideways glance. 

“You should be,” Meredith raised an eyebrow and sighed. “I’m sorry, too.” 

“I thought he said he was leaving⎯I thought you said you were leaving,” Cristina commented. 

“The guy replacing Robbins is gonna mess the place up,” Alex moved his face into the view of the screen. “Besides, I don’t even like Boston.”

“So what are you saying?” Meredith scrunched her face.

“I couldn’t get on my plane, okay? I couldn’t go,” Alex admitted. 

“You’re saying you ditched the flight because you chickened out?”

“What a loser,” Meredith’s mouth twitched and she pulled Alex in for a hug. 

“You’re staying for Wilson right?” Cristina looked at him expectantly through the video chat. 

“I don’t know… maybe?” Alex shrugged. “All I know is that the thought of leaving without trying to at least fix my friendship with her makes me feel sick. I don’t even know why I care, though. She obviously doesn’t. She left me once, who’s to say she won’t do it again?”

“Wow, you are an even bigger idiot than I thought you were,” Cristina shook her head. “Of course she cares. Who do you think made your medical decisions or paid your bills after you got shot?”

“Wait, what?”

“Jo called me after the shooting. When we realized that she was your proxy, she took a plane to Seattle, decided on the best course of treatment, cried, held your hand for a little, and left all before you even had a chance to wake up,” Meredith shared. 

“She did?” Alex struggled to comprehend how he’d never known about her trip all those years ago to take care of him. 

“Yeah, she did,” Cristina nodded. 

“So, did you just ditch tonight’s flight and you’re planning on taking another one another day or are you going to stay for good?” Meredith waited for him to reply. 

“I don’t know yet,” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I should do.”

“I think you know what you need to do,” Meredith eyed him carefully. “Alex, you found your family in Seattle and now you have a second chance to fix things with Jo and you’re really going to leave?”

“You know, I’ve been trying to leave Seattle because for the longest it just didn’t feel like home,” Alex took a swig of the beer that the bartender had placed in front of him. “I felt like I didn’t belong. I wanted to go and find a place that felt like home, but I guess I’m realizing that home was never a place. It’s Jo. It was always Jo and now she’s here and I’m not about to be the idiot that runs away from home again.”

“So, you’re really going to try? You’re not gonna screw up and break her heart again? Because you know that Jo could do so much better than you?” Cristina asked pointedly. “I’m asking because I’m protective of my hairball and I won’t hesitate to come beat your ass if you do. Fear of flying be damned.”

Alex let out a soft laugh before growing serious again, “She deserves better. She deserves someone better than me. But I don’t want her with anyone else. So, I guess I’m just gonna have to be better. I have to become the man she deserves, because she’s everything. She’s home.”

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

[thankskenpenders]

So, about the movie...

At long last, a week after it came out, I was finally able to see the Sonic movie. The Daytona 500 being held across the street from my favorite theater and conflicting work schedules had been keeping me away, but now I’ve finally seen it. And it was...

Decent!

Which is way, way, way, way, way better than a movie with this awful premise has any right being. That’s for damn sure. I enjoyed my time at the theater. I don’t know how they did it, but they did it. If you like Sonic and haven’t already seen it, you will probably get a kick out of this film. If you don’t like Sonic (or Jim Carrey), there is very little in this movie for you

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to break that whole movie down. This will contain full spoilers for the Sonic movie

This movie kinda gave me deja vu because it’s set up so similarly to the Bumblebee movie. Both open with a slavishly faithful CGI sequence on another planet to ensure long time fans that the creative team gives a shit, but a conflict sends the title character to Earth. There, they form an emotional bond with the human lead as they’re pursued by the bad guys, who are working with the US government and tracking the energy signature of the title character. This setup worked extremely well for Bumblebee, because it’s so similar to the usual plot of Transformers. For Sonic, it was... a mixed bag. But it worked better than I expected

(This shot does not happen in the movie.)

That opening though, huh? Green Hill Zone looked great, and I was pleasantly surprised to see they did, in fact, use the Hyper Potions track from Sonic Mania in the actual film. (The piano rendition of the Green Hill theme used later was also lovely.) Longclaw was also interesting. I’ve seen one person bring up all the bird-themed ruins in Sonic 1 and 2 as a possible source of inspiration for the character, and I think that’s a valid take. And man, the echidnas! I wasn’t expecting that AT ALL. I guess that was probably the Knuckles Clan or something? I would never, ever picture them being alive during Sonic’s lifetime, but like... I guess Knuckles had to come from somewhere, right? If they do another movie with Knuckles, will the rest of his kind have died out?

Sadly, though, this sequence felt like it was over in a heartbeat. We barely see Sonic’s life on his home planet, and we’re expected to feel emotional over Longclaw’s sacrifice when she only gets like three lines before Sonic is sent to Earth. This is a common theme with the film--it goes for these big emotional beats that it just does not earn with its rapid fire pacing

Anyway, then we fast forward and Sonic’s a teen. This is actually kind of an interesting one if you’re constantly neck deep in Sonic Character Analysis like me, because it’s a pretty different take on the character. It’s hard to give them credit for doing something somewhat fresh with the character, though, because like... how much of that was intentional, and how much was just Hollywood writers trying to squeeze a generic action-adventure movie out of Sonic? (Honestly, it’s probably mostly the latter.)

The closest other piece of Sonic media to the movie would probably be Sonic X, a story in which Sonic isn’t really the protagonist. The Sonic of the anime is fairly emotionally distant. He cares deeply about his friends, and does nice things for them, but he’s totally fine with running off on his own for extended lengths of time, and he doesn’t really talk about his feelings. He’s not the character the audience is meant to sympathize with, but is instead this cool older kid who Chris wants to impress. This is pretty much in line with how Sega likes to depict the character. He cares about his friends, but he’s also cool with being a loner. It feels like he only runs into them incidentally, usually when Eggman is causing trouble, and then when the crisis of the week is taken care of he’s back to going on his own adventures. There’s a reason why one of his catchphrases is “long time no see”

The Sonic of the movie is the polar opposite. His main conflict is that he’s lonely and desperately seeks friendship. He’s also an overly-eager, extremely earnest goober. He literally flosses twice. (Which I loved.) I’ve seen him compared to Silver, and honestly, that’s not a bad comparison. I did like it, though! I don’t mind Sonic being a more emotionally open character, like he was in a lot of older Western media. I mean, he cried in like the second or third episode of SatAM

It’s just that, like many things in the movie, it feels less like a deliberate creative choice and more like a logical string of decisions to make when writing a generic action-adventure film for general audiences. Sonic’s the only one of his kind on Earth, so of course he’d be lonely. He has to have some sort of arc for audiences to connect with him, and if he’s gotta be accompanied by James Marsden for the whole movie, well, his arc’s gotta be about them becoming friends

I’ve gotta say, though: Ben Schwartz is great as Sonic. As much as I like Roger Craig Smith, I wouldn’t complain if he became the new main voice of the character. And thanks to the redesign, he looked great. I can’t imagine how nightmarish this movie would’ve been if Sonic wasn’t cute

My main fear with this movie, though, was that Sonic wouldn’t really be the protagonist. As a fan of Transformers, I know all too well that the cost of doing a full CGI character usually means that said character can’t really be the star of the film. Optimus and Bumblebee aren’t the stars of the Transformers movies--they’re supporting characters who are primarily present for the sake of the action scenes. The humans are the real stars in those movies, and the robots are barely even characters. I was terrified that Sonic would be the same, with the actual character I paid to see taking a backseat to James Marsden The Cop

I’m not quite sure if they struck the right balance there, but they did better than I worried they would. Sonic is central enough to the film and gets enough screentime that you can easily say he’s the protagonist. BUT there is absolutely too much of Tom and his family. The human cast is fine, the performances are fine, and there were a few good jokes, but every time the movie tried to get me to care about Tom’s life I was bored out of my mind. It’s just so trite and passionless. The other characters barely felt fleshed out at all, including Tom’s girlfriend (wife?) and Agent Stone. The little girl who gives Sonic the shoes had some cute moments, though

I do, however, love the part in which James Marsden is walking around in a San Francisco t-shirt, to remind us that he’s planning on moving to San Francisco... which then becomes the excuse for Sonic to think about San Francisco and accidentally send his warp rings there, which becomes the excuse for the buddy road trip aspect of the film. And as much as that was a focus of the marketing, the actual road trip part is like... maybe 20 minutes of the movie? There’s like three scenes with Sonic and Tom on the road and then they’re in San Francisco for act 3. The movie tries to act like they’ve formed this deep bond and I just did not give a shit. I don’t care about the cop. All Cops Are Bastards, and that absolutely includes Tom, whose dream in life is to join the extremely corrupt San Francisco PD

The whole excuse for Sonic having to sit in the passenger seat of a car going the speed limit for a good chunk of the movie is also, just. Stupid. If he doesn’t know where San Francisco is and time is of the essence, just... give him a map?

And then there’s Jim Carrey. I was worried about this one. The previews tended to highlight his most Jim Carrey Being Wacky moments, and as fond as I am of movies like The Truman Show and Bruce Almighty, that’s just. That’s not Robotnik. I was pleasantly surprised by the actual movie, though! I thought he was pretty good. I’m not sure what incarnation of Eggman I’d most compare him to, but like... it was close enough, and he was entertaining enough. I’d pay to go see another movie with him as Robotnik. Sure. (Especially with how he was looking at the end of the film.)

There were some other little interesting tidbits here with Eggman, although again, a lot of that is less “let’s do a new take on Eggman” and more “let’s do a marketable movie with Eggman in it, which requires us to explain some stuff.” Like him straight up just being a normal human from Earth, with none of the confusion present in the current “two worlds” canon of the games. Or him apparently being an orphan who was bullied in school, and who trusts machines more than other humans. It’s a safe way to depict the character in a Hollywood movie, but I thought it worked

The way they got to his nickname was kind of funny, though. Like, obviously they didn’t put Jim Carrey in a fat suit, and thank god for that. So instead of mocking his weight, the nickname is derived from the egg-shaped robots he uses. Which made sense, I guess. It at least felt logical for this incarnation of Sonic, who had annoyingly been calling Tom “Donut Lord” the whole movie, to make up the nickname “Eggman.” (Said robots, by the way, were a weak point of the movie to me. They just didn’t have that Eggman whimsy and felt very safe and very Hollywood. Honestly, though, if they had just made Robotnik’s ship grey and slapped some hazard stripes on it, it’d probably be fine.)

As a whole, I thought the humor of the movie was... okay. Sonic had a lot of good moments thanks to Schwartz’s great performance, as did Robotnik. There were just so many weird lines, like James Marsden telling Robotnik that he was breast fed, or the agonizingly long child trafficking joke with Sonic in the duffel bag. Stuff like that

The action was great, though. They definitely owe a lot to the Quicksilver scene in that one X-men movie (I forget the one), but they had a lot of fun with Sonic’s powers and it felt extremely true to the character. Seeing him do one of his Smash poses during the San Francisco fight was great. The action scenes were an absolute delight

And then the ending. Oh, that ending

So, I had already heard that Tails shows up in the stinger before I saw the film. And when I heard that, I expected it to be like, the classic Tails origin story. Maybe Sonic would return to his planet, and run into this precocious kid who decides to follow him around... but no! Not at all! Tails is already the Tails we know and love. He’s already an inventor, he’s already tracking down Sonic. I’m shocked that Sonic actually stayed with Tom instead of running off to have new adventures, but hopefully this is a sign that more characters will be brought into the fray if they make a sequel

And boy, they better make that damn sequel. This movie had a great opening weekend and a positive reception. They have no excuse not to. GIVE US SONIC AND TAILS GOING ON AN ADVENTURE

Other stray thoughts

Holy shit they put Sanic in the movie

The Sega logo animation meant that Kiryu from Yakuza was in this movie for a few seconds

The pixel art credits sequence, which featured both the Sonic 2 special stage and Get Blue Spheres as well as the Eggman logo screens from the Studiopolis Zone boss, was cute

The Saturn logo could be seen on the diagram of the other habitable planets

Robotnik had a label for “Badniks” on his circuit breaker. I wonder if the drones in the movie are intended to be Badniks, or if we’ll see actual ones if a sequel gets made

Also, was it implied that Robotnik committed war crimes for the US government

One of the government guys who I think only got one line was played by Garry Chalk and as such sounded exactly like Optimus Primal

I can’t tell if Sonic getting a red race car bed was an intentional shout out to the Archie comics or if it’s just a coincidence, but I loved it

A dude about my age wearing a Sonic Mania t-shirt literally stood up and clutched his head in shock when Tails showed up

After the movie a very excited kid got his mom to take his photo with the Sonic display in the lobby. Afterwards he was so excited that he flossed

I can’t believe they talked about Olive Garden so much

[mewtwo24]

Lucifer Meta

I‌ feel like I‌ keep seeing so much talk about this, and maybe its been said before, but given I‌ have too much time on my hands and I‌ can’t stop thinking about it, I felt the need to put it into words.

A lot of people have mentioned that, if you take a look at Lucifer’s dialogue in several scenes within both the MS‌ and several ES’s, he keeps harping on this insistent desire to be considered special by the MC. He doesn’t want to be another demon a dozen (I’m sorry I‌ know I’m cringing too), he doesn’t want to be just another hottie that got away or the story of ‘that crazy hot guy I‌ fucked and never saw again.’

Today I‌ want to get into the reason for that. (Also a note, I‌ will be using feminine pronouns for the MC but I‌ fully understand that the creators allude to non-binary identification, and don’t want to discourage anyone from that—I‌’m just working from how I‌ personally play.)

Now, I‌ think it can be pretty easy to just write it off as a product of pride. After all, pride does come hand in hand with the idea that you assume you are unique beyond measure, somebody that is without peer in the best meaning of that notion. And while I‌ do think Lucifer does have a great deal of confidence in some regards, I‌ don’t personally believe that’s the whole truth. I‌ feel like it’s more complicated than that. Honestly, it’s one of the reasons I‌ enjoy Obey Me so much; we all know the basic premise. Seven deadly sins yada yada yada, absolute dumpsterfire demon family of brothers yada yada yada. But I‌ feel like beyond that surface level there are some pretty alarming–if not downright profound–moments of humanity (for lack of a better term) that emerge in each of them.

With Lucifer, I‌ feel like this constant desperation for recognition is actually an acute reflection of both his reputation, and his lifelong history. And to explain why I‌ think this is true, I‌ need to reference a major spoiler from the MS. I’m going to assume everyone’s read the MS‌ to that point, but if not I’ve added a cut and added proper tags just in case. Please don’t read below if you haven’t gotten to Chapter (14-10)!

Okay y’all, you remember the scene where it’s revealed that Lucifer gave up his entire future as a demon to give Lilith a chance to be reborn and properly be with a person she loved as a human someday? I‌ want to start here, because I‌ feel like this is crucial to our understanding of Lucifer’s attraction to MC. One of the harder things about getting close to Lucifer is how tightly sealed he is. Call this demon Fort Knox, he’s never going to betray his true intentions or his true feelings unless he has a gun to his head. And the reasons for that are obvious (vulnerability?????‌ in m y me???? it’s less like than you think one more step and I‌ kill you–)‌ You can’t be the perfect caretaker or the perfect right hand to the most powerful being in your realm by betraying constant fluctuation in feeling. (Too bad he’s the most brittle motherfucker I’ve ever seen. But, I‌ digress.) Besides which, I imagine one of the many ways he kept himself from cracking and spilling his secret was to bury it in the sure silence of secrecy. He could significantly lower the threat of revealing the truth if he never, ever talked about it at length. He manifests capability and strength in the most classical/conservative forms of those words (and coincidentally, the ones most acceptable to the old school ‘canonic’ representations of christianity):‌ with stoicism, by refusing to show a single chink in the armor or an iota of oscillating warmth. True devotion to God means no signs of wavering; you are either with Him or against Him. You either follow the rules, or you don’t. (While I‌ understand this is not the case in many branches of the church, trust me when ‌I say the Orthodox community has not changed LMFAO)

The reason I‌ feel the need to create this basis is that it makes his looking to MC‌ for understanding makes so much more sense within that context. Think about it. MC‌ was, first and foremost, the only one to see the memory of him begging Diavolo to save Lilith. MC‌ saw him at the absolute lowest moment of his entire life. Having lost everything in the rebellion, with nothing and nowhere to call home, the very person he was devoted to protecting a casualty. The archangel of heaven, the most glorious and famous immortal in veritable history up to that point–without peer, without equal–lost. Imagine. A‌ being that never even entertained and could not fathom anything less than perfection and capability, was now faced with irrefutable evidence that he not only lost, but failed in the most devastating meaning of that word. Not only could he not prove his newfound conviction, he failed the very person that showed him what he needed to prove–the very person that deserved the fruits of his successful endeavor.

(And not only that, he gets zero time to grieve or process. He immediately has to bargain himself to essentially eternal servitude in order to give his sister just one chance at something she’s always dreamed of, and to protect the siblings most faithful to his cause–the ones to whom he feels most indebted. Let’s not forget growing accustomed to an entirely new way of life, learning how to exist as a demon and having to come to terms with so many changes–whether good or bad. Though knowing Lucifer, I‌ get the feeling change is an incredibly stressful thing for someone who was so accustomed to clear rules, order, and determinism. I’d wager it’s why he hinges so oddly on this notion that ‘demons are extreme creatures that cannot change, MC.’ While in some ways this does feel like scapegoating–and it is, the repressed fuck–I‌ think he does partially believe it to be true. He’s a demon now. Demon = a very powerful inclination to certain vices, and after having people like Diavolo confirm that information he truly believes it cannot be reduced. He just accepts that this is part of his new fate, no matter how frustrating. Me and MC’s modernist ass beg to differ, but given the lore suggests real differences between demons and humans I‌ can’t really speak confidently to which of us is most right. I‌ feel like the game does suggest at least a little potential to change or lessen those vices, but this is a bit of a digression from my main point.)

Second of all, think about her reaction. MC‌ hugs Lucifer immediately, so moved she embraces him even as he’s seconds from starting on a frustrated tirade. (This is how I interpreted that event, and that’s the choice I made--but even if you hit him, you’re showing a very real emotional reaction to Lucifer’s plight. I took both of those reactions to be a heated, heartbroken acknowledgement of what he’d been forced to sacrifice. Either a great deal of compassion, or angry grief that he would take on the weight of everything they’d lost alone--a reminder to think about himself first, too.) Her reaction to his sacrifice isn’t jaded mockery ‘LOL can’t believe you took the biggest L‌ imaginable for your baby sis who’s 6 feet under anyway.’ Her reaction isn’t a hardened heart, so angry with all of his lying and violent outbursts that she doesn’t give a damn (which honestly I‌ wouldn’t even blame her for being indifferent given some of the shit he’s pulled). Her reaction is a sincere appreciation that his heart could be so tender, that he could care so deeply for just one sweet angel that he would risk everything to defend her. (Even if he had other reasons, he expressly says that Lilith was the catalyst.)

I want to take a moment to link back to earlier. That’s what’s so key about Lucifer. He was supposed to be the perfect angel. Unsullied, untainted. Completely devoted to the rules of heaven, so well-versed and immovable in those ideals that even Diavolo had no shortage of admiration for him–was equally desperate to have him in his service after the fall. But Lucifer proves to be, by some perceptions, broken. He is not the perfect angel that everyone lauded without end, that was Daddy dearest’s pride and joy.

He cared. He cared about Lilith and his fellow angels and even humanity, no matter how foolish or ridiculous or foolhardy it seemed–to the point of waging war against everything and everyone he’s ever known. While I‌ can’t speak to what it was that changed him so greatly, I‌ have to wonder if it was, in fact, love. Lilith risked everything to protect the human man she had fallen in love with, wanted nothing more than to have a little family and protect that which was so dear to her. Was Lucifer moved by that…?‌ Did Lucifer find himself wanting something similar?‌ Or at the very least, wanted angels and humans to have the right to choose?

In truth, I‌ really can’t be sure. But I‌ still think it’s crucial that Lilith’s choice was the motivating factor of his change; he saw that someone could earn a love so deep it would inspire a sacrifice beyond reason. And that MC‌ saw him at his most vulnerable–at his most personal–reflecting the very behavior he’d learned from Lilith and saw the same exact thing that he did:‌ beauty. MC understood that moment as something to be cherished, something that proved a staggering capacity for compassion. And not only that, she felt a great deal of sympathy. Sure she’s probably never made a sacrifice that big before, but so much of being mortal is sacrifice. So much of being human is seeing that which is bigger than yourself, is seeing a loved one who needs you, and giving what you can. As such, it was a moment of resonance–it was a moment that proved his capacity for good in human and grounded terms, no matter how cranky or closed off or repressed.

(Also y’all because I‌ have to say it. THE ELLIPSIS. THE FACT THAT HE JUST REVELS IN THE HUG FOR A SOLID FEW MINUTES, JUST SOAKING UP THE AFFECTION. I DIE SOMEBODY PLEASE HUG THIS OVERWORKED, TOUCH-STARVED, MISERABLE FOOL I LOVE HIM.)

Granted, Lucifer did show signs of intrigue towards the MC‌ from the getgo, but most of them were wooden. Curious on a very surface level, more like ‘this human really is deranged huh what a weirdo’ than necessarily BANGS POTS AND PANS ‘I L O V E THIS H U M A N’. And that, for me, is key. I‌ have to wonder if he doesn’t feel comfortable showing skin or getting too close to people in any kind of way because they don’t really know him.

This is what I’m getting at.

The hard thing about pride is that most pride worth any salt comes from a firm center of confident knowledge about one’s own ability. And if there is anything this game tries to get us to understand, it’s that Lucifer is in many regards a workaholic wiz. He never stops going, never stops trying to be the best older brother and second hand to Diavolo the realm has ever seen. (For those of you that argue he’s a shit older brother, I‌ 100% agree he’s a dingus about expressing it properly but I‌ don’t think he’s a bad brother. His home screen lines are 90% him expressing his worries about being unable to connect to and help his brothers. That is not an apathetic guardian. That’s a tender idiot doing his best.) But his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness, the very thing that keeps him up at night literally and figuratively.

What if the people in his life only want him there because he’s so amazing and so capable–makes their lives so much easier–that it doesn’t really matter who’s getting the work done? What if he’s ultimately just a tool again? Just another thing to throw away when he’s no longer useful enough to be kept close? What if nobody loves him for just…him?

This is where it really starts to hurt. Thanks, God.

And that’s why he’s so enamored of the MC. It’s not just that she takes his feelings seriously, it’s not just that she’s equally stubborn and willful and cheeky. I think, more than anything, it’s because she saw who he was at his core–an angel that lost everything and sold what little he had left to make the most precious person in his life happy–and loved him all the more for it. She didn’t see it as a weakness to take advantage of, she didn’t see it as a weakness period.

She saw it as a place to build. She shows him that vulnerability doesn’t have to mean danger and endless anguish. She shows him that in this new world he’s inhabiting–where everyone is flawed, where everyone is limited–it’s only natural to have points that are less than logical or conventionally/perfectly defensible. She stands firm that–while he may have been a bit of a dickwad–that act was still noble, and that he would have to share this with his brothers if they were ever to mend the relationships that were smashed to smithereens in the aftermath of the war. Lilith could be a place of commonality from which they could all bond, and evidence of his compassion–rather than God’s judgement that it was a contemptible flaw.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what his repression of feeling is. It’s not just fear of being mocked by his brothers (though that’s definitely part of it). It’s the literal, staggering PTSD‌ of that moment where everything changed, where he made the ‘wrong’ decision in choosing love and freedom. Not only proof of his being less than perfect, it was the moment his creator abandoned him completely–the moment his creator sought his unilateral and uncompromising destruction over a disagreement. Lucifer is afraid of opening his heart because he’s afraid that, in the end? He’ll devote himself down to the marrow only to find out he was being used the whole time. He isn’t being loved because they see both his shortcomings and his impressive qualities and develop affection anyway, he’s being ‘loved’ because he’s useful to them–and so long as that continues, he’ll continue receiving empty praise meant to motivate him into complacence. This is why Diavolo’s moe pining and compliments mean jack shit to him. Because Lucifer can never be sure it’s not just another selfish power play, because Lucifer can’t trust that Diavolo’s affection comes from a place beyond motivating an unquestioning, relentless work ethic/loyalty. (I fully admit I‌ don’t think Diavolo necessarily means that much harm, but I also don’t think Lucifer is wrong to be wary given how evidently capricious Diavolo is…)

But yeah. MAJOR‌ Daddy and vulnerability issues.

Which is what makes his line “Who knew a human like you would stir this kind of feeling in me?” so fucking ironic to me. Really, Lucifer?‌ The calls are coming from i n s i d e. The defining moment of your life was the most altruistic, humanlike act a celestial creature could ever commit. Why are you so surprised, then, that a human could unlock the depths of your heart?‌ To the contrary, perhaps it is only a human-–that doesn’t have any desire for power or illusions of perfection—that could quiet the anxiety lodged deep inside his heart. She helps him come to terms with and nurture these feelings of love not just because she’s understanding and patient, but because her motivations are not mercenary or interested in prestige. MC’s just here to have a good time and wants to see them all get along together, and who could be more compatible for the demon that has little to no notion of freedom or how to mend the family he gave up everything for?

(Also an interesting side note, it may also explain why Lucifer can relax around the MC so thoroughly as time goes on. Because she herself tends to be more relaxed, he too begins to fully embody an existence where the stakes aren’t always in the stratosphere; he can be silly and tired and needy without fear of a cold reprisal or invasive curiosity. He can just be himself in peace, and that’s all he really wants more than anything.)

[lovemychoices]

Before There Was You- CH.6

TRR X ROE

Song Inspiration: 5sos - Ghost of You

Three years ago while travelling in Europe, Eve Sommers was involved in a car accident. She woke up from her coma two weeks later with no memory of what happened to her in the past seven months. Three years later and still no recollection about what happened to her before the accident. But all of that is about to change. Will she finally know the truth? Will there be consequences?

*THIS SERIES PRACTICALLY THROWS CANON OUT THE WINDOW* YEET!YEET!

Characters except my OCs belong to Pixelberry, I am just borrowing them

Word count : 1700++

Chapter Summary: We time jump three months after the masquerade ball. The court are officially in Lynthikos and the snowy atmosphere takes Leo back to a certain memory.

A/N : This is my first fiction series so it will definitely not be 100% perfect. In other words be kind :). Feedback and comments are welcomed, also hit that reblog button if you like what you read.

Catch up with the series HERE

Warning : I’m rating this PG18 cause there will probably be PG18 stuff that’s going to happen in future chapters. So if you read this series you acknowledge that you are 18 and above.

Tags : @thecordoniandiaries @leelee10898 @ao719 @annekebbphotography

@desiree-0816 @rainbowsinthestorm @emceesynonymroll @the-soot-sprite @carabeth @cora-nova @charliejane-blog @dcbbw @hopefulmoonobject @cmestrella @jlpplays1 @pixieferry @whenyourheartskipsabeat @jessiembruno @romanticatheart-posts

[[More]]

“Wow, Hana! You never told me you were an amazing figure skater.” Eve cheers as she watched Hana do a Biellmann spin on the frozen lake. The group arrived Lynthikos a few hours ago and Olivia had scheduled for them to go ice skating on the lake near the estate.

Hana chuckles. “Oh , it was nothing, I learned that move when I was seven, though my skating instructor always said my spins where a bit sloppy.”

“Aww Hana, I think you were amazing despite what your instructors said, right Olivia? She affirmed and gave Olivia a nudge. “Meh, She wasn’t bad.” Olivia smirks.

“Ladies..” Liam beamed when greeted them as he and Maxwell approached the three. “My prince.” Eve smiles and kisses Liam on the cheek.

“Ugh barf..” Olivia cringed followed by sarcastic eye rolls. “I’m going to skate over there where the view is less nauseating.” She points then skates away towards Penelope and Kiara, who were skating or at least trying to.

“Hey Hana, watch me do the ice skating version of the moonwalk.” Maxwell says excitedly trying his best to impersonate the moves in his skate. Hana looks between Eve and Liam then at Maxwell. “I’d better go check on Maxwell before he hurts himself.”

“Subtle..” She grins.

Liam chuckles. “As long as we have some time to ourselves, I’m not complaining. Shall we?” He asks offering his hand. Eve smiles and takes his hand, the two begin skating side by side with their hands intertwined.

“Did I mention how lovely you look today.” Liam grins.

“No you haven’t and thank you.” She winks playfully. “So do you and the court come here often?”

“Not often, but when we do Olivia is always a generous hostess. I did use to come here a lot when I was a child. Leo and I used to have a snowball fight with Drake even Olivia would join us.”

“Leo right, I forgot about him.” She rolls her eyes, her expression suddenly dim.

Liam brows creased, he noticed a change in her tone and the way her body shifted when she said his brothers name. He stops in his skate and pulls her closely while he tilts her chin up. “Eve is something wrong?” He asks sincerely.

Her lips formed a thin line followed by an exasperated sigh. “Look it’s no big deal, it’s just that I think Leo doesn’t like me very much.”

“Why would you say something like that? You’ve been nothing but wonderful throughout your stay in Cordonia. Even Olivia is starting to warm up to you.” He chuckles. “‘Maybe it’s just some misunderstanding.

“I’m serious Liam, everytime I enter the room when the gang is hanging out he sees me and suddenly there’s always an excuse for him to leave. He doesn’t even stop say HI or make eye contact. It’s been two months you’d think the guy would warm up to me by now.. Heck! Like you said even Olivia is already treating me like a friend in her own way.” She looks Liam in the eye. “Normally I wouldn’t care what people think but he is your brother, he’s your family. it’s important to me that we get along.”

Liam heaves a sigh. “I’ll try to have a talk with him okay? In the meantime I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you, you’re a very hard person to not like Eve Sommers.” He grins while placing his hand on the small of her back and pulling her into a kiss.

***

As the sun began to set and the day began to turn dark, snow began to fall on the estate. Everyone in court gathered in the great hall for some eclairs and hot chocolate by the fire.

Leo sat in the library by the window watching as the snow fell from the night sky while taking a sip of his scotch. His mind drifted to three years ago in Finland.

Three years ago - Kakslauttanen, Finland

Leo and Eve lay on their bed cuddled up with each other. They had both been seeing each other for a few months and decided to head to Finland for their next adventure. Eve wanted to see the aurora borealis which was on her bucket list of things to do during her trip in Europe so Leo rented an igloo shaped room made out of glass.

It was the perfect romantic getaway, they could watch the constellations in the night sky while waiting for the aurora to appear all in the comfort of their warm bed under the glass dome surrounding them.

“Okay, how about that one?” Eve pointed to a wishbone shape group of stars. “That’s Perseus and that—.” Leo pointed to the star next to it. “Is Andromeda's line.”

Eve cocked an eyebrow. “I’m assuming this has some romantic Greek tragedy story written behind it?”

Leo chuckles. “No tragedy at least for them. Andromeda’s parents were going to sacrifice her to the monster Cetus when Perseus came and save her, they fell in love, got married and lived happily ever after.”

Leo turned propping one hand on the side of his head. “But if you’re interested in tragic romantic stories.” He grinned and looked back up at the sky through the glass window. “There that one.” He pointed towards the group of stars that looked like they were forming a stream. “That's called the milky way. Though the myth surrounding that constellation differs depending on the country. In Japan the myth tells the story of a celestial princess Orihimie, who falls in love with a mortal named Hikoboshi. When her father found out he was enraged and forbid their love. To punish them he placed them in the sky separated by the celestial river or as we call it the milky way only to reunite once a year.”

Eve got up into a sitting position with her legs sidesaddle, sadness filled her eyes. “Oh my god that’s just tragic and sad, I couldn’t imagine what I would do if that happened to us. To be separated from the one I love, to be separated from you. I—.” She froze when she reailised the words that came out of her mouth. Did I just confessed that i love him? Did he hear me? What if I said it too soon? Holy crap you really blew it this time Eve! Prepare yourself and watch him run for the hills.

Leo gently cupped her cheeks with his hand, closing the gap between them as he pulled her in for a deep kiss, only to pull apart a few seconds later. His ocean blue eyes looking into her soft teal ones. “I love you too.” He says.

A whirlwind of pale green light appeared and swirled above, the streaks tossed about wildly. Then scarlet red clouds of fire pulsated in wave of arcs, rolled against the midnight sky and darting towards the heavens. They both looked up and marvelled at the beautiful lights as it danced in the northern sky illuminating the night.

***

Leo is suddenly pulled out of his thoughts by the squeaking sound of the library door opening.

“And here I thought this was the last place I would find you in.” Liam teases as he walks into the library with both hands in his pockets.

Leo snorts. “And yet here I am.” He opens a bottle of liquid amber and pours it into an empty glass before offering it to Liam.

“Thank you brother.” Liam says taking the glass from Leo. “ I didn’t see you earlier on. You know usuy Drake is the one who is busy brooding, what’s gotten into you lately?”

“I wasn’t really in the mood.” Leo murmurs, swirling the glass in his hand watching as the liquid amber turns into a small whirlpool.

“Is it because of Eve?” Liam asks studying the expression on his brothers face.

Leos is taken aback. Could it be he found out about our past? Play it cool Leo it could be about something else. Leo clears his throat before answering. “Why would you say something like that?”

Liam steps closer rubbing the back of his neck, pursing his lips before answering. “To be honest, Eve was the one who brought the subject up. She thinks you don’t like her and you know what I don’t blame her now that I see it. Ever since she came to Cordonia you haven’t really been welcoming, you leave everytime she enters the room. You barely say more than three words to her whenever she tries to start a conversation with you.” He pauses then heaves a sigh. “Brother you need to tell me if something is wrong so we can all try to work it out. I’m trying my best to convince the council that the woman I love is not just the perfect Queen for me but for Cordonia. Before the start of the social season you promised to help out as much as you can.”

Leo didn’t know what to answer he was stuck between his brother and the woman he once loved, the woman he still loved. Avoiding her wasn’t an option anymore, it might cause more suspicion and suspicion might lead to Liam digging for more answers. He just couldn’t risk letting Liam finding out about their history together. Leo ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean to make Eve feel unwelcomed, I promise I’ll have a talk with her to straighten things out.”

“Thank you Leo, that’s all I ask.”

“And I’m sorry I haven’t been living up to my promises, I’ve just been having a hard time lately.” He murmurs taking a sip of his scotch.

“Is it about your divorce with Katie? I’m so sorry I’ve been so busy worrying about my problems I completely forgot that you have yours. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Leo gave a rueful smile and pats Liam on the shoulder. “Thank you Liam, but these are demons I need to face on my own.”

Liam places an assuring hand on Leo’s shoulder. “ If you ever need anything. You know I’ll always have your back just like you have mine. So what do you say we stop with the brooding for a few minutes and join the others at the great hall?”

Leo chuckles. “You don’t have to ask me twice brother.” They both finished their drinks and went on their way to join the others.

[sup-hoes-its-me]

With Time III (Tobirama x Reader)

 A/N: hi! So this is the last part. I hope ur ready bc I wasn't when i wrote it! It’s really been wonderful writing for Tobirama even though I may have made him ooc a lot of the time. Have fun with this last chapter guys and thanks so much for reading!

word count: 4775

Part One/Part Two/Part Three

I couldn't walk the same after the incident. My leg needed to be in a brace for the majority of the time, and I had to be extra careful when I moved because my ribs and lungs were still fragile. I hated it. I hated this feeling of being useless to everyone and everything that I worked so hard to protect.

I still worked with the Hokage in his office, giving him advice, listening to his plans and strategies, and signing documents with him from sunup to sundown. It wasn't enough. There were people out there risking their lives while I couldn't so much as go on morning runs anymore.

More than once, I'd cried myself to sleep. I would sit in my apartment and stare down at my leg brace, the bandages wrapped around my waist, and the crutches in the corner, and just sob until my throat stung dry. How could this happen to me?

Part of me wished I could have just died in the line of duty than live on and get sympathetic looks from people I passed in the street. I hated the way my fellow shinobi, those who I considered friends, looked down at me in a way you would a child or the elderly. I despised the shame that filled my heart.

“Y/N, are you even listening to me?” Tobirama sighed as usual, red eyes lifting from his desk to me.

I blinked. “Sorry, Tobi. I was distracted again.” With a frustrated shake of my head, I went back to work on whatever was placed in front of me. A boring c-rank mission report that barely needed to be skimmed. Instead of going in to focus on the mundane  task of signing papers and reading poorly scrawled paragraphs, I felt a warm, calloused hand on the side of my neck. “Is something wrong?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing. You’ve been different recently.”

“I haven’t noticed.”

“It’s been months, Y/N, three whole months and you haven’t been the same.”

My words got caught in the back of my throat and suddenly my secrets were coming crashing around me. As much as I wanted to tell him how I felt, how everything was hurting me and I couldn’t enjoy my life like I did, I wasn’t going to mutter a word. My breath was shallow from shame and my cheeks paled out of simple indignity. My fingers fidgeted around in my lap nervously under his accusing gaze.

It’s a bit much to call him accusing. He was more concerned than anything, worried in a way that said he stayed up long nights with this on his mind. The bags under his eyes didn’t help my own assumptions. And if he were to be losing sleep over me, I would no doubt feel worse. I didn’t need the sympathy of the man I’ve come to admire, the man who despite having been a rival as a child I now saw as an equal.

“Listen, I can’t even begin to express the guilt I feel for-”

“Don’t pity me, Tobirama.”

His eyes widened just a bit before quickly narrowing. He stared at me fiercely, and I tensed under the touch of his hand on my bare skin, heat sinking into my collar and jaw. “I have never once pitied you, Y/N. Not even when the worst has happened to you have I pitied you. I know your strength.”

“Then why are you acting like this? Like you’re plagued with guilt, and you send me these side-eyed looks of sympathy when you think I’m not looking?” I questioned.

He took a deep breath, as if he were building up his patience or courage, I couldn’t be too sure which.

“I haven’t felt right since you got hurt. I’m not too sure how to explain it, but I feel weak. I feel like an idiot for sending you away with only a child as backup. I feel so guilty for not being there to protect you from all of this, because I can see that you’re in so much pain now that you’re crippled. I just-”

“Tobirama. Please. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. And I can never forgive myself for what I let happen to you.”

“Shinobi get hurt. Shinobi die in combat every single day,” I countered. He was the Hokage, and he cared about each and every one of his people, so why did he care so much about me, doing exactly as I was paid to do. I expected pain and suffering in this line of work, we all did. It was our sick reality. We trained children barely able to control their chakra to think sacrifice was good. Self-sacrifice is for the well-being of a nation, we were taught.,

His fingers tensed against my skin at the simple words. I watched as his jaw clenched and he turned to glare into my eyes. I no longer feared the fire in those red daggers. His firm voice broke the tense silence.

“You think I don't know that? Of course I know that my shinobi are going to get hurt and die in combat, and I can't do a thing about it. I've accepted that a long time ago,” he paused, sucking air through his teeth. “But it's somehow different with you. I can't accept that you might die one day. I can't accept the fact that it's not my fault you were attacked. I can't accept that it was you.”

I searched his eyes for answers. Something that told me what he was thinking. Only I felt like I was staring into the eyes of a man I barely knew. He looked pained. He looked desperate. Unlike the Tobirama I loved.

“Tobi…”

“Y/N, you keep me from being objective.”

I was completely lost. Lost in his eyes and his words and his frown that just itched to scream out all his troubles. “I don't know what to say. I don't- I can't,” I trailed off.

Softly, I reached up to take his hand, the one pressed against my skin. Then, I dropped it down into my lap, covering his hardened knuckles with both of my palms. My fingertips danced along his skin like feathers, but it was soothing. This feeling, of his skin against mine, it brought me back down to Earth if only for now.

Quietly, I said, “I'm sorry I've distracted you from your work. It's more important, I know that. I never meant to-”

“That's the problem. I'm beginning to believe you're more important than any of this.”

“Tobirama. Please don't say those kinds of things. You know you don't mean them. I'm your assistant, not your family...not your lover.” Deep breaths.

“I know that. That's why this is such a problem. I don't understand why I'm confusing my priorities, and seeing you here doesn't help,” the man groaned, shutting his eyes and grimacing. His hand squeezing mine.

“I'm sorry if my presence hurts you, Hokage-sama.”

“You know I didn't mean it in that way, Hatake.”

“I know. I just think you need to work out whatever is on your mind. You can't be stuck in the middle like this. It's only holding you back,” I said firmly, catching his gaze. “Just remember, your destiny lies with this village. You will have a great legacy, Tobi, but you have to be careful.”

But Hashirama would have said something else. Anyone who knew the pair well enough could have seen it. Tobirama's destiny was not with the village, it was something much less abstract, less broad and disconnected. Konoha was his eldest brother's child, Hashirama's destiny, and eventually his fate.

As much as I tried to avoid it, the inevitable crushing defeat of it all, Tobirama was the one I'd become completely entranced by. I needed him as much as I needed water and air. He was my destiny.

And I could only pray he could find it in himself to forget about me, this strange relationship we had between friends and lovers. It was dangerous, and I hoped he would make the right choice.

__________________

Tobirama chose his destiny, the one I wished against.

He couldn't keep himself from doing otherwise. He could have done what he thought was wise. What was best for the entire village, but he didn't. He must not have been thinking when he marched up the stairs of my apartment building in the middle of the night.

I lay in my bed, a book in my hand and a cup of long gone cold tea on my bedside table. The room was silent save for the loud gushes of wind to slam against the windows every few minutes or so. I stopped crying before I slept about a month before, and instead took to staring at the ceiling or rereading the pages of a novel mindlessly for hours. What else was there to do when sleep wasn't an option?

But a knock on my door was definitely unexpected. It had to have been around midnight or so when I heard that distinct series of four rapping knuckles against wood.

I stood, brushing down my old t-shirt, ignoring the way my hair stuck up in all random directions. When I opened the door, I was met with a fully dressed, fully awake Tobirama. He was much taller than me, especially when I slouched like this. I straightened up a bit and ran a quick hand through my hair to brush it out of my face and behind my ear.

“Tobi, is there something you needed that couldn’t possibly wait until tomorrow?” I asked, and the irritation was clear in my tone. I rested on hand on the doorknob while the other pressed into my hip, waiting impatiently for a response. I cared for the man dearly, but I wasn’t one to enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for something insignificant.

“I could have waited until the morning if not for this terrible pain in my chest.”

“Are you okay?” My eyes searched his form for any sign of injury, but saw nothing. He didn’t look like he was in any pain, nor did he stand any different than usual. I reached out carefully and took his wrist in my small hand, pulling him into the apartment. I hoped to God that no one was watching the Hokage sneak into some woman’s apartment in the middle of the night. The scandals that would arise…

He sighed, shutting the door softly behind him, the click of the lock bringing me comfort. We were alone. I don’t know why, but that thought brought me peace and anxiety all bundled into one ridiculous package. I wanted to spend time with him, but not like this. It felt awkward, to put it simply.

I motioned for him to take a seat on the edge of my little bed, one of the few pieces of furniture I actually owned. As he scanned over the room and the walls, his brows furrowed into a knot. “After all this time, you still haven’t bought furniture?”

“I never thought it was important. Plus, I don’t get paid enough to afford those things.”

He shook his head, mumbling under his breath, “That’s absurd. If you needed more money, you could have simply asked me for a raise-”

“Tobirama, what are you here for really? You’ve somehow changed the subject,” I said plainly, looking down at his moonlit features in the darkness of my one room apartment. The only light was what came from between the drapes in my window, yet the moon was particularly bright tonight. I could see every detail of his strongly built face, structured jaw and stern irises.

He looked up at me for a second before turning his head down once again. This man was never one to back down from a fight, but today he seemed nervous. He seemed fragile in the way he averted his gaze and sat with his shoulders slumped forward unlike their straightly broad sort of way. Tobirama seemed distressed and worried; if only he would speak so that I could help him.

Still, I continued when he said nothing. “You said that you have a terrible pain in your chest? I asked if you were alright, and I’m not sure I fully believe you.”

“I can’t hide much from you, Y/N. I fear you know me too well.” He glanced up at me with a new goal in his eyes. I couldn’t understand what it meant, that gleam that suddenly appeared, but I knew it was far too important to interrupt. “We need to discuss what’s going on between us.”

And it was as if time has stopped. The fear that remained dormant in my chest was now pumping viciously through my veins. I felt my cheeks pale, running cold in a moment, and my hands start to clam up.

What was I supposed to say? How do you reply when someone wants to have a talk about your nonexistent intimate relations? My mind ran circles around all the excuses and pleas that I could use.

I whispered, broken at the edges, “I wasn’t aware there was anything between us.” Lies, of course. We both knew it.

“You’ve known for as long as I have-longer than that, I’m sure. You’re not an idiot, Y/N.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said, just as soft as before.

He leaned back, letting out a low exhale. His eyes rolled to the ceiling, as if he were raking through his mind for the right thing to say. He probably was. The Hokage never knew what to say in these sorts of situations. He was socially awkward, so oblivious at times that it hurt.

“I’m not sure what to say either. Just something. Anything to make this pain stop. It’s keeping me from my work, and it’s making me dependent on you.”

“You’re always thinking about me?”

“Yes, and it’s a problem.”

“I’m not sure what I could do to ease your troubles. I could never speak to you again, and you would be forced to forget me,” I suggested, although I would never do anything of the sort. It would leave me even more pathetic and incapacitated than I am now. I peered down at him, my eyes glimmering with the beginnings of tears, happy or sad, I wasn’t sure.. “But I’m not sure I could live like that for long, Tobirama.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want you to do that. I need you by my side. Haven’t I expressed that before?” So difficult, this stupid man. He wasn’t making any of this easier on me. “I don’t even know why I came here, especially at this time of night. I’m a fool for thinking this was something I could do.”

So fucking defeated. That’s the only way I can describe the sound of his voice as his coarse, frustrated words dripped from his lips out into the open. I took a deep breath, gulping down the terror I felt. I prayed he couldn’t see how terrified I was because I’m sure I looked pathetic. Nothing like a brave kunoichi, a veteran to the cause.

“Want me to tell you I love you?” I muttered in a voice so quiet I could have mistaken it for just another thought. And then, I held my breath.

He didn’t reply right away. He was silent, contemplative really. And I was at his mercy.

“Y/N, I-”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to say anything. Just know that I will always, unconditionally feel that way for you,” I confessed, suddenly not feeling as terrible. I knew he couldn’t just say something like that back. He wasn’t the type of man to just blurt out those intimate details on a whim. “You’ve been my best friend since you gave me those shuriken as a teenager, and I hope nothing brings us apart.”

“I hope for all the same things. I will protect you, if it’s the last thing that I do.”

“Tobirama…”

He tore down my soft voice with his own firm one. He glared up at me, snatching up my hands in his rough ones. He held them tightly to his chest, bringing the two of us only inches apart. “No, Y/N. No. Family is more important than anything, and after losing Hashirama- I don’t think I could handle life without you, too.”

He was so genuine in his words, and I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. Instead, I brought myself into his lap, climbing over top of him so my knees were on either side of his thighs. I kept our hands tightly clasped to my chest, but now I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing against me. I could see the specks of brown and gold in his crimson eyes. I could feel wisps of his white hair along my cheeks and forehead.

I pressed my face into his neck and sighed. This was as domestic as life would ever get, and it was the least I could do but to savour it with every one of my senses. To smell the musk on his skin, feel the warmth of his soul beneath me, listen to his harsh breaths. I absorbed every bit of this moment.

He released my hands so he could wrap his thick arms around my waist, tugging me to his abdomen. His nose found itself buried deep into my hair, soft sniffs taking in the scent of my shampoo. He always said I smelled like coconuts.

“Thank you.”

_____________________________

The day was long and terribly worrisome. Although I had busied myself with many tasks, nothing could stop the random tugs at my heart every time my mind shifted to my best friend who doubled as my strangely acquainted lover. I had waited for hours, on the couch at Tobirama’s house just for him to arrive home. I wanted to surprise him with a nice dinner and a few drinks of sake after completing the latest mission, one that seemed much harder than the last few. It was against the Kumogakure, who Konoha had been on the rocks with recently.

When one of Tobirama’s students, Uchiha Kagami stood in the doorway instead, I knew something terrible had happened. His deep black eyes stared over my shoulder so grimly, unable to meet my eyes. He was ashamed. I could feel it radiating from his form. I could feel many things from people, but this boy screamed pain, sorrow, and shame.

“What’s happened, Kagami-san?” I asked him calmly, even though I felt my stomach doing somersaults. “Where is Tobirama?”

“We were surrounded by Kinkaku’s Squad, and they had the upper hand. Lord Second, he…”

“Well?”

“I’m so sorry, Hatake-san,” he croaked, his voice finally cracking under the pressure. He looked into my eyes, the tears now rising up in the corners, sparkling in the candlelight illuminating the room. I shifted on my crutch, staring up at him with desperation in my eyes. I wanted him to say something else, anything other than the obvious. “He volunteered to act as a decoy so we could escape. I’m so sorry.”

My lips started to quiver. I couldn't come up with anything to really say. I could only muster out a pathetically miserable, “please no.” My knees suddenly felt very weak beneath me, and I was only really being held up by my crutch. My fingers tightly wrapped around the handle and squeezed so tightly it stung, and could have bruised.

But nothing mattered.

The tears that threatened to fall pooled up heavily in my eyes, and I hissed when the salty bits stung. “No. No. Please, God, no. Please don't.”

I pleaded and begged, my hand pressed to my mouth to muffle the cries. It was becoming harder and harder to breath. My head spun, dizzy and disoriented.

It felt like my entire life had been torn down in a single second. Every single thing I had ever built up was suddenly being crushed into the ground into thousands of irreparable pieces.

Tears streamed down my face thickly, hot and steady without signs of stopping. I didn’t know when I could stop crying. Nothing could have prepared me for the death of someone I loved more than life itself. Tobirama was the only person I had left in this damn world, and now I was alone. I was completely and utterly lost in this cruel world, crippled and sick and tired and heartbroken beyond fixing.

Kagami took a step forward and extended his arms, as if I needed to hug him. The only person I wanted to hold in my arms was Tobirama, and he was the one causing all this pain. It’s disturbing how misery works out that way. I shoved the boy back with all the strength my weak, broken soul could muster. He stumbled away from the threshold just enough for me to slam the door in his face.

Maybe that was rude and harsh and terribly uncalled for, but this death; fate didn’t need to torture me this way. To steal the one thing I held precious. Fate stole my legs from me, stole my mobility, stole my livelihood...and now it had forcibly taken the love of my life from my hands. The last thing that brought me any happiness.

I broke down on the floor right in front of the door, sliding down the wood frame and collapsing in a heap of shakes and quivers. I bent down so close that my forehead pressed to the hardwood, tears and slobber pooling on the ground beneath me. I grabbed at my hair and yanked it, trying to feel something other than this shockwave to my heart.

But nothing was going to help. The only thing I could do for now was scream and cry until I fell asleep, and even then, my dreams were not empty. They were plagued with him. Images of him constantly swirled in my mind. I woke up in cold sweats screaming or sobbing.

And I wasn’t the only one hurt by this. My ninkin couldn’t stand to see me this way. They knew me as a strong woman, one who could face death without flinching. Now, I was just a broken shell of the woman I used to be. I lost my father and mother, my brother Hashirama, and my best friend. It was only now that I was completely hollow to the core.

_________________________

“Hiruzen, did you get the final exam paperwork I dropped off earlier?” I asked, peeking my head into the Hokage's office where he sat over a stack of stark white papers. The man, one in which I watched grow into the great leader he was today, smiled and waved me into the room.

He peered over the sheet in his hand and hummed. “Impressive test results, Y/N. I have to say, you might be the most effective teacher at the academy.”

I nodded proudly, leaning on the wall to keep myself steady. I still had trouble keeping myself balanced at times, and I had pains shoot up my thighs randomly at times from the lasting impact the jinjuriki had on my muscles, but I no longer needed the crutch.

After Tobirama died, I left my position as Hokage's advisor. Instead I went to work at the academy where Tobirama dedicated much of his time and effort into creating. I didn't have to fight nor did I have to move around much on my feet. It was only simple stationary jutsu and chakra control, which I was still exceptional at.

Hiruzen was more than happy to have me help around. He was just glad I wasn't torn to shreds to the point where I could do nothing but stay inside.

“Thank you. That means a lot, really.”

“You're looking well? Is the medicine Tsunade made for you helping?”

“Yes! I swear that girl is miracle worker,” I laughed. The blond who grew up to be one of the most outstanding medical nin alive, produced a pain killer for me and it worked better than I'd ever dreamed. “I'm glad she picked up the medical practice. We really needed a good doctor in this village.”

“I heard you once tried to train with her?”

“Yeah. I figured it would be good to acquire another skill I could use without my full mobility. Turns out being a med nin is way harder than I thought,” I told him. “Props to Tsunade and the other nurses, honestly.”

Just as Hiruzen was about to say something else, the door behind me slid open and hurried little footsteps rushed into the room.

“Mom?” The soft, boyish voice rang out. “Kagami told me you were in here.”

I turned around, peering over at my 12 year old son, standing in the doorway shyly. He was a sweet boy, one of the kindest I'd ever met. It was the way I raised him, I suppose, and that made me proud.

He had dark eyes and gray hair that spiked in all directions. It was the natural way of the Hatake clan. He was tall, almost as tall as me even though he was just a child. He stood tall and proud, ready to impress. My son was a talented ninja, gifted even.

I worried he picked up some of my clumsiness or even my mediocre abilities, but it was quite the opposite. He was stunning much like his father. He moved with grace yet so much strength. He was reserved, but when he spoke it was never foolish.

“Sakumo, sweetheart, did you need something?”

“Yeah, actually. I wanted to know if I could go to dinner with Rei and Shikari?” He asked. I only nodded, rolling my eyes. He loved to spend his time with his friends, particularly a Nara and an Uchiha.

“Be back home before eleven, okay?”

He smiled triumphantly, even though I rarely told him no. He was such a good kid, I normally trusted him “Of course, Mom. Thanks.” My sweet boy ran from the room, waving to us on the way out.

I turned back to the Hokage sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”

“It's fine, Y/N. I actually enjoy seeing the child. It's like Lord Second is still with us in him.”

“Yeah. You're telling me.”

“He would have made a good father, I think.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes to the ground. I felt a pang in my chest. Yeah, I would have loved if Tobirama lived long enough to help me raise our son, to teach him all his talents and pass down the title of Hokage even.

“I think he would have been a disastrous father. Loving, yes, but he would have been so confused and lost. He never knew what to do with children.”

“Yes, but a father has a special connection with his own son, his own blood.”

“One day I know they will meet. And Tobi will be so proud of him.”

“I think he'll be proud of you the most, Y/N.” I hated when people told me stuff like that. When they mentioned how Tobirama and I used to be. When they made me fall in love with him all over again. I hated missing him every time they spoke in his memory.

I blinked back tears in my eyes and averted my gaze to the door. “That's more than enough, Hiruzen. Maybe we can talk about this some other time. Just not right now, yeah?”

“Of course. I hope you have a great rest of your day,” he nodded, wishing me the best of luck as I exited his classroom. And as I walked the empty hall, I swallowed my sorrow.

With time, I would see him again. The wait would always be worth it, as long as he remained in my heart. That's because Tobirama would always be unique. He was my first love and my last.

And that's the end! Did you like this kind of writing or hate it? Give me some feedback if you want and have a really nice day!

[talatomaz]

changed | dinah drake x sister!reader

a/n: i haven’t posted any arrowverse fics in a while

prompts: “all i ever wanted to do is keep you safe”

warnings: references to assault, loss, angst

word count: 2.2k

masterlist | request list | request rules

reader can generate force fields and got her powers from the particle accelerator explosion

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

They say that when you die in a dream, you die in real life. But you could actually say that wasn’t true; because you died in a dream, and what happened to you was much stranger than that...

You had been living in Star City for the past few years so you had basically been there since the Glades had been levelled. You saw Slade Wilson and his “mini me’s”, and yes, they were far from mini but still, try and destroy the city.

You were there when the city was almost exposed to a toxic virus and most importantly, when Damien Darhk tried to destroy the world and in the process, he murdered ADA Laurel Lance who was revealed to be the Black Canary.

But now it seemed like there was a new Canary in town.

***

You were walking down the poorly lit street when you heard movement behind you. You slightly lifted your head, noting the movement before continuing to walk.

You heard the light footsteps grow closer until you could practically feel the person behind you breathing down your neck. You got ready to turn and face the person behind you when you were pushed into a dumpster in the alleyway.

“Hey there, pretty. Wanna have some fun?”

The voice came out rough and it took almost everything in you to not laugh. This guy had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

“Unfortunately no, I think I’ll pass.”

You moved to walk past him but ended up getting pushed into the dirty wall.

“It wasn’t a request, bitch.”

“Well, you asked me and I said no. Therefore, request denied. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

You went to push him off you but he grabbed a knife and placed it threateningly close to your neck. You glanced down at the knife and then back up to the man.

Just as you were about to get out of this situation, the man fell to the floor with a thump. Your head shot up to the fire escape that was opposite you and you saw two figures shadowed by the dark standing there and the hairs on your neck went up.

“You’re welcome.” A deep voice broke through the silence of the night.

“Thanks, but I had that.”

The moment you spoke, you noticed the feminine figure next to the guy straighten. You looked back down at the guy who tried to attack you and saw an arrow was in his back so you pulled it out and held it out.

“You might want this back, Green Arrow.”

When you mentioned the vigilante’s name, he jumped down from the metal stairs and emerged into the minimal light that the lamp post was providing.

“I know leaving arrows is practically your calling card but it’s not exactly very smart considering this can be traced back to you.” You explained, handing the arrow over to the vigilante.

“Never has been before.”

“Well, if you left it with me, I could probably trace it and I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want that.”

“Of course not.” He replied roughly.

“Is she just gonna stay there?”

You asked, looking back up at the female vigilante who was still concealed in the shadows. You figured that it was most likely the Black Canary considering the attire she was wearing.

At this, the Canary jumped down and the moment that she came into the light, it felt like you had been hit by a hundred trucks.

“Dinah?”

***

“Leave me alone, for the love of God!”

You shouted, walking away from your sister for what seemed like the 5th time this week.

It had been almost a month since you and Dinah had your long-awaited, beautiful family reunion, sarcasm implied, and ever since then, she had been badgering you at every turn, trying to get you to say more than 10 words to her.

And because she was a detective, it meant that she was able to find your contact and address details. Great.

“Would you just talk to me? Please.” She pleaded.

“Dinah, you’ve had the past 3 years to talk to me. So too little, too late.”

You continued walking but after a few beats of suspicious silence, you turned and saw Dinah was no longer behind you.

She had left again.

What a surprise.

You turned back around and before you could scream, you felt a sharp prick in the side of your neck and a bag being placed over your head and then everything went black.

***

Ugh. Everything hurt. You couldn’t move. You couldn’t see. Everything was dark.

You blinked a couple of times, allowing yourself to return back to reality. You were in a dark room. Your throat was too dry to scream.

They’re going to kill you.

No.

Breathe.

The last thing you remembered was being grabbed outside and the jab of a needle in your neck.

Son of a bitch drugged you.

You froze. You heard movement beside you.

Dinah.

“Psst, Dinah. Drake. Dee, wake up!”

You half whispered and half shouted. You heard light groans beside you and practically felt Dinah become alert.

“Shit, what the fuck? Y/n, you okay, baby girl?”

The use of your nickname brought a sense of comfort to you in a situation where there was hardly none.

“Yeah, I’m good. What the hell is going on?”

“Well, that was as good an entrance line as any.”

A voice said behind you before moving to face the both of you.

“Hi, there. I’m Jeffery Daniels and I’m going to kill you.” He laughed. “Well, that is if I don’t get what I want.”

“And that would be what exactly?”

“Well, I’d like you, Captain Drake, to lead me to the anti vigilante weapons treasury.”

“And if I don’t?” She spat back.

“Well,” he took out his gun and aimed it at your head, “I’ll just go ahead and kill your baby sister.”

He let the threat linger for a couple of seconds.

“I’ll give you a few moments to think it over.” He said, leaving the room the same way he entered.

“I’m not letting him kill you. I’ve just got you back.”

“Dinah, you act like I care. I really don’t.”

“Since when did you not care about your life, y/n?”

“I’ve changed, Dinah. And the most important thing right now is that he cannot get those weapons. You cannot let him get those weapons. And if I have to die to make sure he never does, I don’t-”

“Y/N DRAKE.”

You stopped talking, feeling like you were a kid again.

“I will not allow you to sacrifice your life. Hell, neither of us are dying tonight.”

“Oh really? And you know that how?”

***

“That’s how.”

Dinah Drake said, helping you out of the ropes that bound you to the chair.

When Daniels had returned, Dinah stalled for as long as she could until Green Arrow and the rest of the team came crashing through the window and began a full-blown shootout with Daniels and his men.

It turned out that Dinah had a tracking device in her boot and that was how Felicity was able to trace your guys’ location.

You had all helped to defeat Daniels’ men so only Daniels, himself, remained.

“Well, looks like we’ve got a bit of a predicament here.”

He said, showing the remote that was in his hand and the bombs that were strapped around his body.

“I press this, we all die. So you can either die or let me go and live.”

The Green Arrow and Speedy aimed their arrows at Jeffery as Wild Dog and Spartan did the same with their guns.

“Press it.” You said, shocking your sister and the rest of the team.

“What?”

“Do it. We’re not gonna let you go.”

After a few moments, the man smiled a grinch-like smile, “If you say so.”

And before anyone could do anything, he pressed the button which triggered the explosion. The whole team began to try and escape but you stood there, knowing that you’d only have a second to do what you had to.

But a second was all you needed.

The moment that button was pressed, you put your hands forward and concentrated as hard as you could. You successfully focused all of your energy on containing the explosion so Jeffery Daniels was stuck in a massive purple force field along with the bomb.

After a few moments, the energy of the bomb disintegrated and your force field disappeared to reveal a severely burned Jeffery Daniels.

You turned to look at the whole of Team Arrow who were looking at you with both shock and confusion. Your sister was completely shell-shocked; her mouth was formed as if she wanted to speak but no words came out.

“I told you I’ve changed.”

***

“Wait, just one more time.” Felicity asked.

You were all back at the Arrow cave and you had explained how you gained your powers almost 5 times already.

“Fine, just once more. I was dreaming that I got crushed by a large truck that fell from the sky and I had my arms extended to try and protect myself but the moment that I died, I woke up and next thing I knew, every time I wanted to protect myself, I created some sort of force field.”

“Awesome.” Thea commented for the fifth time, making you shake your head and roll your eyes.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” You heard Dinah murmur.

“Excuse me?” You said, turning to face her. “I believe you‘re the one who’s keeping the secrets here, Dinah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it.” You muttered, walking off to the lift.

You just wanted to get as far away from her as possible.

She’d never understand.

“No. Walking away isn’t going to solve anything.”

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

You swiftly turned around and walked back up to your sister.

“You’re right. It solves nothing. So why in the hell did you walk away?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You left me. For three fucking years! I get that you were mourning Vinny. I so get that. But three fucking years, Dinah. You were gone for 3 years!” You shouted, tears filling your eyes.

The entire team was watching your outburst, but honestly, you couldn’t care less. It seemed like it was only you and Dinah were in the room.

“I had to leave.”

“Why? Why’d you have to leave?”

“After Vinny died, I couldn’t think. All I wanted to do was kill Sonus.”

“I get that but you didn’t even tell me. You just left. I was 16, Dinah. And I had no one. No one. Mum was gone. Dad was with one of his whores, as per usual, and when I needed my big sister the most, she wasn’t there.”

“I’m so sorry, y/n.”

You laughed dryly, “You want me to say what to that? I understand that you went through a terrible few years. But so did I and not once did you reach out to me. For fuck’s sake, Dinah, I almost died. Twice! And I couldn’t tell you because I had no idea where you were.”

“Dying in your dream doesn’t count, y/n.”

You heard Felicity murmur behind you but she and the rest of the team decided to give you some privacy when you gave her a death stare. You’d apologise later.

“I’m not talking about my dream. I almost died in real life. Once by one of Deathstroke’s minions. And…” You trailed off.

“And the other? Y/n?” Dinah added when you didn’t say anything.

“It was my 18th birthday. I’d gone out with a few people and we’d all gotten very tipsy and everyone wanted to stay and drink more but I bailed early. I was missing you and just wanted to be alone. Looking back, I probably should have stayed.”

“What happened?” Dinah asked, her teeth gritted, almost scared to hear the answer.

“I was attacked. I was too drunk to properly use my powers but I somehow managed to get away and ran all the way back to my apartment.” You explained, a betraying tear fell as you relived the memory.

“I’m so sorry, y/n.”

Dinah said, engulfing you in a hug after so long without one. Tears began to shamelessly spill from both of your eyes as you hugged each other close.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do is keep you safe and I failed.”

“Dinah Drake, you have failed this city.”

You joked, and then you both laughed through your tears when you heard Oliver shout, “That’s my line.”

“I love you so much, y/n. And I promise, I’ll never leave you again.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Dinah.” You said, pulling away from the hug to look into her eyes.

“Trust me, baby girl. This is the one promise I intend to keep.”

[overthehilly]

Perfect Day (Makki Wedding)

This may be the fluffiest thing I’ve ever written (and possibly the most OOC), but I love this one-shot so please enjoy. 

Max never believed in marriage. He thought it was a social construct/trap to ensure your money is sucked dry and to live the rest of your life in a boring suburbia. It didn’t help that Max was accustomed to his parents’ trainwreck of a marriage; they were constantly fighting, screaming at him, and living in a shithole of a house. Max even thought that weddings were dumb; stupid churches, stupid slow songs, and stupid families crying. Max never thought in a million years he would ever think of getting married.

So when Max was down on one knee asking Nikki to be his wife, he couldn’t even believe it. The whole thing was a blur to him. Max just woke up one day, laying next to the beauty that is his girlfriend, and decided he needed to buy a ring in that moment. Max drove himself to the nearest jewelry store and bought the most beautiful ring he could afford. For months, Max pictured and planned the day to the second; he was going to take Nikki to the docks of Lake Lilac, where they first admitted their feelings, and propose. It was like a dream to him. Almost unreal.

Max wished he recorded the proposal because he wanted to see Nikki’s face light up like that every day for the rest of his life. Max got down on one knee as the sun was setting over the water, Nikki was oblivious until she turned around to say something. Nikki was overcome with emotions as she said yes. It was the perfect day. Almost.

The actual perfect day would be their wedding. Max was currently sitting in David’s bathroom, fiddling with his tie with shaking fingers. He had practiced a million times before to make sure he got it right, but today the nerves got the best of him.

“Are you alright?” Neil asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yeah, it’s just…it’s just…this damn tie!” Max threw it over the sink and ruffled his mess of hair. “I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this.” Max screamed.

“Dude, it’s okay. You’re just having cold feet.”

“No, it’s more than that. It’s the whole marriage thing. I can’t.” Max wasn’t making sense anymore. He sat on the floor trying to collect his thought.

Neil excused himself, saying he would bring Max some water or bourbon or something. Max shook his head, trying to figure out why he was so nervous. I mean it’s Nikki, the love of his life. He wanted to marry her, and it wasn’t like this was a big wedding. It was just a small gathering of friends, little family, on Lake Lilac. Why was he so bothered?

“Hey, you need some help?” David peeked through the door with a slim smile.

David had learned over the years to approach Max very carefully during this moments. Usually, David would bust through and just shake Max from his problems, but right now he knew the young man was on the edge of his mental state.

“I just can’t get it right. My hands are too shaky.” Max admitted meekly.

David took the tie and held it out for Max; the groom got up from the floor and allowed David to adjust the tie for him. Max’s hands were still quivering and he felt like he was going to melt from the pressure.

“Tell me, buddy, what’s wrong?” David flipped the tie through the knot, adjusting it perfectly.

“David, I’m not getting into this-”

“Max, please talk to me.” David was at eye level with Max, staring straight at him with a deadpan expression. David has never been so serious in his life.

“It’s just…what if I’m not…”

Max stopped himself. Although he had grown closer to David, he did not want to break down in front of him. Max didn’t want to admit that he was afraid of being a shit husband, father, and everything in-between. It was a fear he had pushed aside until today.

“What if…I’m not good enough for her. What if I’m like…my dad.” Max whispered, hoping none of his groomsmen would hear him in the other room.

David closed the door slightly so that no peeping toms (or Neils) would listen to their conversation. David placed his hands on Max’s shoulders and gave him a reassuring smile.

“Max, I’ve known from the moment I met you that you’d become the best man you could possibly be. You love Nikki, and she loves you too. You are made for her. And for your dad, you were more of a man than he was at ten. I believe in you.”

Max bit his bottom lip hoping it would stop the tears forming in his eyes. David was more of a father than his own, and to hear him say this was enough to push him to cry. Max wiped his eyes and coughed to hide his weakening demeanor.

“Thanks, David. I appreciate it.” Max replied.

“If you need anything else, I’m always here.” David assured as he patted the younger boy on the back.

David turned to leave the bathroom to only feel Max’s arms pull him into a hug. David smiled, remembering Max first hugging him outside the pizzeria, and returned the embrace. Max quickly pushed him away and fixed his hair.

“Don’t tell the gang.” Max quoted. “I’ll meet you outside.”

David nodded and returned to the rest of the groomsmen. Max pulled on his suit jacket, adjusting the buttons so it would look perfect. It wasn’t until halfway he realized that his hands weren’t shaking anymore. He felt better… confident even. Max was ready.

_

Max took another deep breath, waiting until it was his queue to stand at the arch. He took in his surroundings, trying to remember every detail for future reference. David had made the wedding arch by hand, using cedar wood and flowers found from around the camp, and placed it right by the dock where Max proposed. It was beautiful. All of their friends and family were sitting patiently (or however patient they can be), chattering about the venue. Neil, David, Space Kid, and Harrison waited behind him. They were talking about getting drunk at the reception. Well except David. He was currently crying into his handkerchief.

“Guys, I can’t believe this is happening.” Max spoke with a small smile forming on his face.

“God Max, I never thought you were capable of any emotions.” Neil patted Max on the back while the groomsmen laughed.

“I’m just…happy.”

Before anyone else could say anything, Gwen gave Max his queue to take his place. The groomsmen went to meet with their respected bridesmaids and Max stood at the arch with the officiant. Neither Max or Nikki were very religious, so they hired the only person they knew who could legally marry them: Quartermaster.

“Do you want to do the blood sacrifice during or after?” Quartermaster suddenly said. Max side eyed the crazy weirdo.

“Uh…never.” Max replied. Quartermaster nodded and sucked a snot rocket back into his nose.

The music began suddenly, Max turned to watch his bride walk down the aisle. Nikki appeared with her dad, a strong, brown-haired man with a grim smile. Max and Nikki’s father got along well, he just wasn’t happy to be around Candy. Max gazed upon his beautiful bride, her luscious hair laid in curls with a flower crown sitting gracefully on top of her head. Nikki’s dress was a simple sheath style with a lace belt around her waist. Nikki smile brilliantly towards Max, his heart skipped a beat. Nikki’s father kissed her on the head and took a seat next to a crying Candy. Not because her baby was getting married, but because she felt old as shit.

‘You look beautiful’ Max mouthed while QM recited his speech.

Nikki blushed, squeezing her groom’s hand in excitement. Max just wanted to kiss her and run away, he just wanted it to be official finally. Max looked towards their guests, David was crying behind him still. Nikki’s bridesmaids, Nerris, Ered, Sasha, and Tabii (yes really), were almost in tears also. Max’s family sat towards the back, looking somewhat bored but faked content for the sake of their family. Max looked back at Nikki.

“Now, our bride and groom will say their vows. Boy first.” Quartermaster sniffled.

“I, Maxwell Singh, never thought I’d fall in love. I never thought I would get married. That was until I met you, Nikki. You have changed my life for the better, you brighten my day, you made me actually give a shit. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I vow to make you the happiest woman alive, to always take you out on hikes when you feel sick, and I promise to be the perfect husband. Or at least as perfect as I can be.”

Tears started to stream down Nikki’s face, her smile illuminating even brighter than before. Max squeezed her hands and hid his face. He didn’t want anyone to see that he was almost in tears too.

“I, Nicolette Bradshaw, promise to love you even more than I love adventure. I use to try to find danger every day until I met you. Then I wanted you to help me find danger. There is no other person I want by my side for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to start this new adventure with you.”

“With the power invested by me, by the internet, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may sacrifice-I mean, kiss the bride.”

There was a couple of chuckles from the audience, who probably did not know that Quartermaster was serious, but most were awes as the couple kissed. Max pulled in Nikki for their first kiss as a married couple. All the nerves and cold feet melted away instantly, for once it was perfect bliss.

_

The wedding party continued to the Mess Hall for food and drinks. Mainly drinks. Both sides of the family were heavy drinkers, accompanied by the young adult friends, it was just a drunk free-for-all. While everyone was dancing and partying, Max and Nikki sat outside the building, holding each other in a loving embrace.

“I can’t believe it,” Nikki started “We’re married. I’m Nikki Singh. I’m your wife.”

“I know, I’m so fucking happy.” Max kissed her forehead again. “I just can’t put it into words. I love you so much, Nikki. I haven’t been this happy in so long.”

Nikki caressed Max’s rough cheek, although he was cleanly shaven it was still prickly from a shitty razor, and stared into his green orbs. It was almost as if no one else existed in the world. It was them against the world. Max kissed his wife again, more passionately, with more vigor than before. Sparks numbed their lips, creating a deeper need for each other.

“Nikki…my wife…” Max said between the long kisses.

“What is it…husband?” Nikki giggled against his lips.

“We should…make this official.” Nikki looked at him questionably. “You know, consummate it and all.”

Nikki laughed at her husband. Nikki gave him another kiss, placing her hands in his wild hair, tugging and pulling them closer. Max reciprocated, so entranced by the fact that this is his wife now.

“Lead the way.” Nikki said finally, leaving a trail from his lips to his neck.

Max leaped up from his spot, smiling from ear to ear. He picked up his lovely bride, carrying her oh so gently, making sure he would not hurt his gorgeous girl. Max made his way over to their honeymoon cabin, which was just a little ways away from the camp, giggling like children.

Neil and David were leaning against the open doors of the Mes Hall, watching their friends run away together. Neil was a little tipsy while David was weirdly sober. Almost childlike.

“Aw, they wanna be alone.” David sighed. “They’re so in love and-”

“David, they’re fucking.”

Neil took another swig of his drink, returning to the party to dance with one of Nikki’s cousins, or maybe an aunt. It didn’t matter, he wouldn’t remember it tomorrow. David turned away before tainting his innocent eyes.

“At least…it’s after marriage?” David assured himself.

“Yeah keep telling yourself that.”

[enmuse]

MCU fic: I have a lot of frustrated feelings, ok? Fix-it CA:CW ficlet

Never thought I’d write a response to CA:CW. At this point I have to say outright that I hated Civil War. I wrote about it during my initial reaction post last year. I haven’t watched it again since then, I just keep making faces at the title when I see it come across Netflix. But I still have ~feelings~ about things.

So here is a gen fic replacing most of the Siberia scene. Never thought I’d write something based out of CW canon events, but I will note that I have to, for my own conscience, omit Peter Parker’s involvement in the film. (1 - He’s a goddamn kid and Tony’s whole motivation given at the beginning of the damn film was about feeling responsible over a young man’s death. 2 - Spiderman was super shoehorned into the film.)

No title. Gen. Un-beta’ed. No battles. Still lots of emotional hurt in a Tony and Steve (and Barnes) confrontation. 

A burst of static and then silent video footage comes to life on the small screen. Tony lets himself watch for a moment, his breath hitching in his throat. He allows himself a moment of weakness and closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath. As he exhales, he fixes his glare on the man watching from the other side of the door. The Iron Man mask comes down and Tony raises his hands.

"That's your trump card?"

He fires his repulsors at the doors' hinges. It doesn't take long for the super soldiers at his side to pry the door open and drag their erstwhile <doctor> out. Steve shoves the man onto his knees as Barnes takes a step back, gaze flickering from person to person.

Zemo stares up at Tony, face flushed with anger and surprise. "Do you know what that is?" he hisses, jerking his head in the direction of the screen. Tony avoids the temptation to look. "Don't you understand what he did?"

Tony doesn't reply verbally. With a carefully calculated move he clocks Zemo in the head. He watches dispassionately as the man lists limply in Steve's hold, unconscious.

They don't speak as Tony hands Steve restraints from a compartment in his suit. Once Zemo is effectively bound and Steve has gagged him with rope from his belt, Tony finally steps back and lets his hands drop. Behind his mask, he closes his eyes again and releases a shuddering breath.

Worthless. Meaningless.

"What now?" Barnes' voice is rough.

"Tony...?"

Even through the suit Tony can feel when Steve's hand lands on his arm. Jerking back, Tony opens his eyes and the face plate. Steve's concerned expression is replaced with wariness as soon as Tony's glare is revealed.

"You were never going to tell me," Tony accuses. He can see Barnes a few feet away, shoulders hunched as he watches them. Somewhere off to the side the video might still be playing. Tony refuses to look.

"I— Tony, I'm so sorry," Steve says earnestly. "I didn't know ho—"

"Don't bullshit me, Rogers." Tony clenches his fists. "You wanted to protect yourself, not me. You didn't give a damn—"

"That's not true!" Steve looks over his shoulder at Barnes, his expression pained. "You were helping me look, and if you knew—"

"I did!"

Tony doesn't realize he's screamed until he has the wide-eyed stares of both super soldiers fixed on him. Finally Tony turns his gaze to Barnes. Swallowing hard against the tightness trying to restrict his breathing, Tony asks Barnes, "Do you even remember?"

Barnes' face looks gaunt and ashen as his eyes darken with the look of a haunted lone survivor. His voice is barely audible as he confesses, "I remember them all."

Tony swallows again and blinks quickly as his eyes burn. He nods briskly at Barnes and returns his attention to Steve.

"It wasn't him, Tony. Please, you must understand what they did to him. He isn't respon—"

"That's not for you to decide," Tony replies, exhaustion creeping into his voice. He is so very tired. So very heartsick. He stares at Zemo's unconscious form and wishes he had an easy solution, that he could simply kill the man and erase all that has happened.

Steve's hand wraps around Tony's bicep and tries to shake him, unsuccessful with the strength of the suit. "You can't condemn him!" Steve's expression has grown hard with determination and Tony notes that the shield is tilted at an offensive angle. He isn't sure Steve consciously realizes what he's doing. "You can't just take Bucky back where they'll do God knows what. They won't understand."

Tony grits his teeth against a scream of frustration because Steve won't broaden his focus, he is so fixated on this one moment. He hasn't realized that everything has been pointless destruction and death.

"Steve..." Barnes tries to intervene.

"No, Buck, I won't let you just sacrifice yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about!"

Tony slaps Steve's hand away and decides to ignore how the shield raises a little — a least the movement brings it into a defensive position. "You don't get to dictate how people feel!" he snaps. Tony jabs a finger at the shield. "We all know the story of this shield. Do you remember who gave it to you? Why it was given to you, what it meant? Are you still that good man standing up for the people against injustice?"

"I'm trying to protect Bucky!"

"That's all?" Tony scoffs. He looks between Barnes, who is carefully blank-faced and silent, and Steve. "It's all about one man? What gives you the right to think only about him?"

Steve's expression pinches as he takes a few moments before answering. "He's all that left..."

"No he's not." Tony holds up a hand as Steve opens his mouth to protest. "Do you still think you can cling to the past? Time moves on, Steve. We don't get to live in the dream of happier days. There's a world out there we have to face if we're going to survive. We have people and what I sure as hell thought was a home."

"That's... not what I meant," Steve murmurs. His shoulders drop and the shield dips a little. "You don't understand."

Tony laughs, the sound bursting out of him without warning. He's laughing and he's not sure why. Steve looks alarmed and behind him, Barnes takes a hesitant step forward, expression pained.

"Do you know how I knew?" Tony suddenly asks. At their blank faces, he lets out another humorless chuckle. "It was your decision, wasn't it? To dump everything from the SHIELD servers? And all of the Hydra records that were wrapped up in there. Where did it go, Steve? Did you think I'd miss something like that? Did you think Natasha didn't give anyone a heads' up?" The stunned expression on the blond's face is answer enough. Tony sighs. "You never thought about the information being leaked that would end up compromise and kill agents in the field. The details about weapons and operations that could suddenly be accessed by any determined or bored hacker with an interest in decryption. They had everything we could gather about the tesserect in there, psych evaluations, locations of undercover operatives, logs of what the WSC intended back in New York during the invasion.

"Why didn't we see weapons based on knock-off alien technology? Why weren't the Avengers hounded with questions prying into every dirty little secret SHIELD knew they could use against us?" The dawning realization on Steve's face makes Tony's chest feel tight. He doesn't know why he feels like he's breaking, not until—

"JARVIS," Steve murmurs, shield finally dropping to his side.

Tony inhales sharply at the name as the pain in his chest jabs sharply at his heart. "I waited for you to tell me," he says quietly. Steve glances back at Barnes again, refocusing on the original issue.

"They had a record?" Steve asks.

Tony's lip curls a little at that. He jerks his chin in Zemo's direction. "Do you really think this bastard could find out about all this and I couldn't? He wasn't Hydra, Steve. He's just a man. A sick manipulative fucker who—" He cuts himself off with a vicious shake of his head. "It was all pointless!" Tony paces away, fury and frustration boiling in his gut and threatening violence. He needed a fight, a way to vent all the conflicting emotions he's been dragged through in recent weeks. "You know where our— your friends are right now? Where Natasha is? Rhodey?" he chokes on the last name. His eyes burn as he glares at the corpses of  the Winter Soldier program.

"Tony...?"

With a wordless snarl, Tony raises his hands and shoots through the glass of one row of tubes. His suit keeps him from visibly shaking, but he can feel his muscles twitching. Too much stress on his system.

He doesn't realize he's collapsing until someone catches him under his arms. When he looks up he's surprised to see Barnes' haunted face. "I'll go with you," he says.

"Bucky, we'll find another way," Steve says as he moves towards them.

"No, Steve." Barnes bows his head as he releases a shuddering breath. "I gotta stop running. I gotta get this shit out of my head. This guy, he's your pal, right?"

Tony resists the urge to make a derisive comment about that. Instead he gets his feet back under him so that he isn't sagging against Barnes anymore.

Steve's answer surprises him. "Of course." Tony stares at Steve.

"Then we trust him," Barnes says.

Steve's worry is obvious in his expression but he doesn't flinch from Tony's stare. The blond licks his lips nervously. "You... you know a way to make sure he'll be okay?" The question comes out small and frightened. He sounds so young.

"We've been taken for fools," Tony admits slowly. "Despite appearances, I can't control everything. You've made things a lot worse. But..." He looks down at Zemo and thinks of the footage Friday recovered for him. "We have some solid evidence. It's not too late." He swallows the bitterness that rises in his throat because maybe for Barnes it's not too late, but it doesn't feel like that's the case for the others.

"Tony, I don't know if I can just let you—"

Barnes interrupts. "This is my choice. And I... I'll take the risk."

Tony turns his head to Barnes, studying the man's strained expression. "I'll do what I can," he says.

Barnes looks at him, expression hesitant. "Why?"

An exhausted chuckle drags itself from Tony's throat. "There's holding someone accountable and then there's scapegoating. You have to make your own peace, Barnes, but you aren't responsible for what was done to you." He doesn't acknowledge the vulnerable look of shock. "People like you need help, not blind condemnation."

Barnes looks shaken and even takes a step back, eyes wide and frightened. Steve's gasp of surprise draw Tony's attention.

Steve stares at Tony as his mouth works silently for a response. Eventually he murmurs, "I had no idea you'd..." He trails off as a dawning look of horror crosses his expression.

"Yeah. I know," Tony responds flatly.

Rhodey's in the hospital, the doctors waiting to run more tests before another surgery. There are several Avengers-affiliated people locked in a secret prison that shouldn't exist. Natasha is in the wind. There's a world reeling at the numerous deaths and priceless destruction of the past week. For what.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispers. "I should have listened."

Tony isn't ready to discuss his own fault, but he counters, "We should have talked."

He's dead on his feet exhausted. He hurts all over from the fight at the airport — so stupid, so pointless! They don't have time to lie down and rest, though.

"We need to go. Someone grab that sack of shit." Tony walks away, turning his back on all of them, trusting that Steve won't make a break for freedom this time and drag Barnes away.

He's halfway down the corridor to the exit when T'Challa appears from the shadows, mask off. His expression is blank although his gaze is thoughtful as he looks Tony over.

"Of course you're here," Tony says, stopping a few feet away.

The king inclines his head in acknowledgment. His gaze focuses past Tony's shoulder where the footsteps behind him have stopped. T'challa doesn't speak to them, instead turning back to Tony. "I thought he'd killed my father. He did kill yours, yet you let him walk."

Tony doesn't need to explain his reasoning to this man. Instead he replies, "It takes time to process." T'challa's eyes narrow thoughtfully. "You know Zemo's responsible?"

"I do. I alerted the appropriate authorities. We need to make the apprehension official." Tony nods in agreement. The gesture of support makes the tight feeling around his chest ease just slightly. "We need to discuss how we proceed to clean up this mess," T'challa says. He looks again to the super soldiers. "None of us are currently in good standing."

Tony thinks that's an understatement.

[tessatechaitea]

Kamandi Challenge #4

I guess Kamandi is younger than I thought. Is there actually an age where it becomes illegal to show a female topless? Or is it all dependent on breast development?

Is it ... semen?! The Jaguar God is just a big fuck puppet!

Kamandi is deep throated by the Jaguar Fuck Puppet which deposits her in the creatures semen supply bunker. That's also where a couple of regular Jaguar people are controlling the fuck puppet and enjoying the previous loads of semen. It turns out it's just an automaton! The Jaguar God is a big fake created by creatures in their own image. Just like every other god! Again, except the Hindus. Which means the Hindu gods must be real because according to the most boring thing anybody can ever say yet they still say it a lot anyway, "You just can't make that shit up!" Don't you hate when people say that? Because I can make a lot of shit up and usually the "you can't make that shit up" stuff is so boring and mundane that the expression should be "Why would you want to make that shit up?" So the "being swallowed whole" by a giant which was my stupid guess as to how this would play out since it's a basic comic book trope and James Tynion the Fourth fucking loves basic comic book tropes turns out to be the solution to the mystery. Of course there's a twist in that the giant is a robot. I guess. Maybe that's not a twist but just another comic book trope that I wasn't really thinking about. After Kamandi is swallowed whole and survives, her fuck plant is chewed up before being swallowed. That's because she's capable of regrowing lost body parts which Kamandi hasn't quite gotten the hang of yet.

A scientist jaguar?! Ridiculous! I mean, I get having a canine scientist. But a feline?! Pshaw!

I should create some kind of rating that scores how long I was able to suspend my disbelief while reading any particular comic book. Maybe put one of those dripping blood line animations that were so popular in the Internet's wild and woolly frontier days at the point I lose my suspension of disbelief. In this one, I'd have placed it right at that spot that a jaguar was a scientist. Totally ridiculous. Jaguars are sporty creatures! Since when has a person into sports ever been able to science anything?! Ridiculous! Since the jaguar is a scientist, he loves explaining things so Kamandi didn't have to get so threatening so quickly. To be fair, she was just gulped down by a giant fuck puppet god machine. I'd probably be a little bit crazy at that point too. I can't wait to see how Jimmy and Amanda say they would have solved this cliffhanger! I bet Kamandi and his fuck plant would have realized at the last second that it wasn't their bodies that were going to be sacrificed but their God cherries. Then they would have been, "Oh? Okay! I'm totally up for this!" Then there would have been twenty pages of fucking before the next cliffhanger where the condom broke.

Oh! This guy was just a freaky nerd offshoot of the jaguar sun cult. Disbelief re-suspended!

Kamandi forgets that she was just nearly murdered by Professor Cano the Sciencing Jaguar and is impressed by Cano's ability to fool a bunch of religious lunatics. She's all, "Oh yeah! That's what they deserve! Fuck those ignorant motherfuckers!" Then they all dance for a bit before getting back to the plot. Cano tells Kamandi that she won't be leaving because Jaguar Scientists are a lot like Nazi Scientists. They don't mind vivisecting people who tick the wrong box on the race, religion, sexuality, and anything that kind of slightly annoys the scientist forms. So Kamandi says, "I figured that would be the case. That's why I don't just keep a knife sheathed in my vagina; I also keep a gun holstered in my butthole!" Then she pulls out the gun and threatens to shoot some of the scientist's machinery. Cano curses having not spent enough time in jaguar gym or else he could easily disarm Kamandi. Instead he's all, "Oh shit I just shit my lab coat!" This paragraph is just for the Actually Nerds out there: I fucking know Kamandi didn't have the gun in her butthole. I know the fucking gun was Cano's and it was mixed in with the tea service or something. But what do you want me to do? Admit to the ridiculous truth of the comic book that Cano leaves his gun just lying around where any two year old jaguar can happen along and shoot itself in the face or make up my own ridiculous truth that goes along with the earlier ridiculous lie about Kamandi's knife? That ridiculous lie was told to obfuscate the ridiculous truth that the jaguars tied up Kamandi for a sacrifice without finding a huge fucking knife on her nearly naked torso. Okay. Back to the bit of commentary that's for everybody. Instead of threatening Cano and forcing him to free her, Kamandi shoots out the view screen which is the only way the professor has of seeing where the giant robot jaguar god is going. Great job, idiot! Why did the last human on Earth have to be such an idiot?! Kamandi and his fuck plant climb back out of the jaguar god's mouth while the jaguar king misses the perfect opportunity for a spit take.

Oh come on, James Tynion the Fourth! You don't mind stealing and using every other boring ass cliché in comics but you refuse to use the standard sitcom spit take in the most perfect spot?! Pretentious jerko!

As they're climbing down the front of the giant jaguar fuck puppet, fuck plant notices the plane hanging on a chain around the god's neck. "Do you think that is still mechanically viable and full of fuel and in proper working order after sitting unused for so long and then battered from hanging around the neck of a giant robot?" she asks. Kamandi answers, "Fuck yeah, bitch!" Then she moans orgasmically and says "Why haven't you eaten me yet, honey?" while chlorophyll drips down her inner thigh. Even though the fuck puppet's view screen was shot out by Kamandi, it still seems to be able to see them escaping in its bling. Kamandi gets in the cockpit and says, "Hee hee! Cockpit!" Then she says, "I hope there's still fuel in this thing!" And that's it. That's the only bit that a reader has to imagine needs to be okay with the jet. It just needs fuel! Don't worry about how long the fuel has been sitting in it or any other bit of maintenance that probably needs to be done on a plane that's been hanging around a fuck puppet's neck for who knows how long! Also, the fuel probably has gotten some semen in it in the intervening years. But no! The jet works and Kamandi and fuck puppet fly off into the sunset to live happily ever after! I solved the mystery! I think!

She's a plant, you idiot! You're going to suffocate her!

Kamandi blacks out and the jet crashes in the desert where, during his blackout, presumably, she walks away from the crash and collapses. When she wakes back up, she rushes back to the jet and realizes her fuck plant is drying out! Unless she's dead from being suffocated. I bet she just needs to be fucked really good! Kamandi has crashed next to a gigantic wall. That must mean she's in Australia. I think this is where the Kangaroo Mafia (or whatever they're called!) are going to be used as the cliffhanger. Before Kamandi can fuck his fuck plant back into consciousness, she's hit in the side of the head with a high tech boomerang. Remember, it's the future! So the boomerangs need to be high tech even though there isn't a lot that can be done to perfect them. Maybe put a gyroscope inside them? Being that this cliffhanger is, once again, going to be Kamandi about to fight something to the death, she and Fuck Plant (I might as well make that her official name since I refuse to remember that her name is Vila) get to choose some weapons and a vehicle which they'll be able to use against that cliffhanger I mentioned.

Stupid Australians! They're always so violent and ignorant! Which is why it's so strange that they actually have rational gun control!

That's it! That's the cliffhanger! How will Kamandi and Fuck Plant defeat the Kanga Rat Murder Society?! I hope they use sex as their weapon. This series needs more futuristic fucking. Bill Willingham is the next writer so I'm probably not imaginative enough to figure out what he'll come up with. Remember when he was famous for drawing fantasy pics in Dungeons and Dragons supplements? What a time to be alive! Jimmy Palmiotti writes the essay at the end describing how he would have gotten Kamandi out of the Jaguar God predicament. I bet it involves Kamandi being swallowed whole as well but with a comment from the jaguar kind about deep throating. A tasteful comment, of course! Jimmy lets slip one of the secrets that I pretty much already assumed anyway and said as much in this or the last commentary: the teams of writers and artists already knew what characters or areas of the world they would be writing about before they got their cliffhanger from the previous team. So Jimmy already knew he had giant bat people when he got the Kamandi falling off a cliff ending. Anyway, Jimmy would have solved this cliffhanger pretty much how James solved it: Kamandi gets away in the jet. Personally, I would have used the tank and had Kamandi commit genocide against the jaguar people. The Ranking! No change! I suppose this could have been a "+1" issue but why should I feel anything but petty after seeing what a bunch of despicable assholes are in charge of our country? Not that I didn't already know it. But watching them laugh and live it up while pissing and shitting on the people they're supposed to represent? Fuck them all. And fuck everybody who watches Fox News and doesn't understand that it's the capitalist equivalent to state controlled media. When corporations own your politicians, the corporate news channel runs the propaganda machine. But all y'all Fox viewers are all in on believing the opposite. "This one channel is the only one that tells the truth! I mean, this channel and all these weird backwater Internet sites that copy and paste bullshit from each other until you've seen the same thing in so many different places, it must be true. Also, how come nobody ever refutes Fox News and these shady sites if they're lying? I mean refutations from sites that I trust! Get that fucking Snopes bullshit out of here, idiot!"