#or maybe my fixation is just cycling again. who knows

[wbne]

.

[noirflms]

AGAIN — seishiro nagi

nagi’s hoodies have been disappearing recently and he knows who the culprit is. he is certain, for you have strike away at his precious hoodies - again.

“you took my hoodie. again.”

seishiro nagi begins, and ends his allegation with a sigh. he has his eyebrows furrowed, eyes looking straight at your figure that is sprawled onto his home couch. this is not the first time he had seen one of his best hoodies be lost again, this is a repetition of many cycles of stealing and getting the hoodie of his back.

“what are you even talking about? what hoodie, if you mind?” you say nonchalantly, eyes fixated on the running to show of yours. you know very well what he is talking about. but if he wants it back, he has to fight for it and you don’t back down from fights revolving around his comfortable and soft, pillow like hoodies ( you wonder how he always gets the good ones. )

“i know you took it back home, babe.” he sighs. nagi has forgotten the number of times he has sighed in the day, since his long search of finding his one great hoodie – it was certainly the only hoodie left after you took almost half of them.

“pffft— as i really do have a use for them.” you chuckle. the sweat form on your forehead when you hear him approach his footsteps echoing through the house, and when he is just right behind you, the 6’3 boy takes gentle hold of your neck and makes you look right at him, eye to eye and he is not surprised with your antiques at all.

“you saying something, princess. i know you’ve got all of them.” he say and you gulp, he feels the lump being swallowed. “just give me two of my hoodies back, love. i’m out of all of them.” he sighs as he let’s go of your neck and pinches your nose making you stop breathing as you smack at his arm.

“hey! now that is rude. you won’t be getting a single hoodie back after this!” you grumble as you punch him right in the arm, but all nagi does is laugh softly at your light hits. god, he has a baby for a girlfriend.

“so, you do have my hoodies.” he says taking his seat right next to you. eyes wide, you freeze in your spot, you look at him owl eyed. you look like a deer caught in red lights. he smirks as he looks at you, the tv show still running in the background. “so, do i get two back or not? or either the whole lot please.”

“but your hoodies are comfortable.” you pout, and the look shakes nagi’s resolve of asking his hoodies back, a bit. he almost gives in, but no, he has to stay strong, he has to get just two, maybe four of his hoodies back.

“and they smell like you, so, i take them with me.” you say softly and he almost – keyword is almost – answers without thinking but he is on a mission. he is strong man, but gosh, but this girl he loves shakes the whatever resolve he has to the core, he just becomes something unlike to what a monster he is on the football ground.

but you begin again, voice one of reason and thought as you tap a finger on your chin.

“but they’ve lost your smell now, so i’ll return them. but! you’ll have to give me another which still has your smell!” and you’ve struck yourself a deal here. your smile has grown a thousand watt more and nagi think, it’s fine for you to take his hoodies, you look good walking around in them and they keep bachira away with his rizz full comments.

“deal.” he softly smiles. and his words send you to cloud nine and you press a chaste peck to his lips, and go back to watching your tv show, as he looks at you sighing softly. god, he’d give you all his hoodies, if it means you’ll be striking deals like this now and then.

and he would now like you to steal his hoodies every now and then. and again.

RAHHHHHH 🦅🦅 i love nagi and i missed blue lock content on my blog so HERE YA GO MAUH 😋🍒

NOIRFLMS 2024 ! all rights reserved - plagiarism is a crime , do not translate my works without permission.

[toxic3mmy]

hii! i hope this isn’t going against boundaries as it is a little angsty, but could you do a fic where the reader is going through a depressive episode and alex tries his best to help them? love ur writing!

of course! i struggle with mental health and love this request idea!

(also, im sorry if this feels repetitive from my other works!! please feel free to leave more requests my lovelies! <33 )

prompt: alex helps you through a depressive episode

warning: mention of depression, sh, and scars

________________________________________

it had been three weeks. alex had been trying to get a hold of you for the entirety of this time and had no luck except for a few texts from you. he was really beginning to worry.

was she in trouble? did something bad happen? is she in the hospital? is she just very busy with life?

alex didn’t know, but what he did know was that it had been long enough since he last saw you.

you were stuck in a terrible loop. wake up around 3pm, watch the show you were hyper fixated on, toss and turn in your bed, eat some snacks, and sleep around 5am. repeat the cycle again and again. sometimes you just laid there and thought about how much you hated life. sometimes you cried and cried for hours at a time. and sometimes, when your head was too full of resentment and hate towards yourself, you would drag your trusty blade across your scarred skin and felt the immense relief as the blood dripped from your self inflicted wounds.

you knew it was an issue. you knew you really were not okay. and most of all, you knew that you could never show this side of yourself to alex. he wouldn’t understand any of it and he most likely would abandon you like everyone else in your life had.

but a huge part of you wanted to see him. maybe seeing him would snap you out of this depressive loop. but maybe not, who knows.

alex had made his way to your house and he waited outside. he tried calling you one last time before making his move.

you watched your phone screen light up with alex’s face as you let it ring. you missed him, you really did. but you wanted to watch your show in peace. so you waited for the call to finish and continued to lay in bed, feeling sleep take over your body.

alex saw his missed call as a sign. he put his phone away and grabbed your extra key hidden inside your pink flower pot on the porch. he unlocked your door and slowly made his way inside. as he turned around from closing the door, he noticed the mess. it was an absolute mess everywhere. he knew how tidy you loved to keep your home so it was confirmed now that something was definitely wrong.

he creeped closer to your room and after opening the door, he noticed you must have drifted off to sleep while watching something on your phone. he looked around your room and saw that your room was in worse condition than the house. takeout food was lying around on the floor, dirty dishes, empty cups and dirty laundry had collected all over the room. the floor wasn’t even visible at this point.

alex knew exactly what this was. you had fallen into a depressive episode. but why didn’t you tell him about this sooner?

he brushed aside the questions and took off his jacket. he then began to pick up any trash he could find without waking you. he took all dirty dishes into the kitchen sink and washed them all. then he put all the littered clothing into your washer and began to wash them. he swept and mopped your room and was genuinely surprised that you had yet to wake up from all his movement.

he cleaned the rest of the house without hesitation. he knew this was probably the least he could do for you right now and he wanted to do anything he could for you.

it took him a few hours but he’d finally gotten everything done when he realized he forgot to clean a few things in your room. he walked in and abruptly stopped in his tracks the moment he met your wide eyes.

“alex…. what are you doing here? i can’t have you here right now i-i don’t want you here! i don’t want you to see me like this.. why are you here?! who told you that you could just break into my house and—and” you let out the most heartbreaking sobs as you broke down right then and there

alex rushed over to you and immediately enveloped you in his strong arms. you were quick to push him off of you, still crying.

“alex i haven’t showered in almost two weeks! i smell awful and look even worse! can’t you see that i don’t want you here!”

alex began to tear up as he simply held you in his arms once again.

“shh, it’s okay sweetheart. ya no llores corazón. i’m here, okay? i know you’re going through a lot right now and i’m here by your side no matter what. i missed you y/n. i’ve missed you so much. i just want you to be okay..”

you began to cry even more when he said these things to you.

“are you sure you’re okay seeing me like this? i… i’m doing really bad and this is all so embarrassing—”

alex sighed,

“princesa, you have no reason to be embarrassed with me. i’m your best friend. i love you and i always will. i want to take care of you, if that’s okay?”

you didn’t know what to say. you were so so grateful for him, for everything. all you could do was nod as tears silently fell down your face.

alex held your hand and led you into your newly cleaned bathroom. he grabbed your favorite hair brush and let your hair down from its messy bun. he softly brushed out all the knots in your long hair. he then handed you your toothbrush with toothpaste on it. although you felt a bit embarrassed still, alex had a way of being so nonchalant that it made the embarrassment lift off of your shoulders. you brushed your teeth as he finished off detangling your hair.

once you both finished, he played a soft playlist on his phone to fill the silence and began to take off his shoes and his tee shirt.

you couldn’t help but laugh with reddened cheeks as you covered your eyes with your hands.

alex playfully threw his shirt at you.

“hey! what are you doing?” you laughed, uncovering your eyes slowly

“i’m showering with you, duhh. now come on y/n, don’t let me make a fool of myself alone!” he laughed as he turned on the shower and then walked towards you.

his warm hands held you by the hips and your breath was caught in your throat as he slowly began to undress you.

“is this.. okay?” alex whispered to you as his hands stopped at the hem of your pants.

“yeah, yes it’s okay. i trust you.”

and with that alex undressed the two of you and helped you into the steamy shower. as the water ran down your body, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief. while you began to soap up your body, alex approached you and once again asked if he could come in. you laughed and pulled him into the shower with you.

you spent the remainder of the shower washing one another’s hair and body in the most innocent way possible. when you both finished, alex got towels for the both of you and he rummaged through your closet to find you some comfortable clothes. he also found some clothes you’d stolen from him and extra stuff he’d left at your house from weeks ago. the two of you got dressed in silence until you spoke up.

“alex… i really want to thank you. i really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. i haven’t really been feeling that well lately. i um, i couldn’t leave my bed for so long. i feel too tired to even take care of myself or to do anything at all. i’m really sorry you had to see me like this…”

“y/n, please don’t apologize. you have nothing to apologize for. you’re only human. and even if you’re struggling with things that i may not completely understand, i’m never going to leave your side. one thing i did want to ask about was um… the scars on your arms and your thighs. have you always struggled with self harm? i… i hate to see you hurting yourself in this way. your beautiful skin…” he said as he held your hands in his

“i… don’t know how else to cope. i know it’s not okay to do but it brings me comfort, as morbid as it may sound. i’m sorry alex… i really am. i promise you that i’ll make an appointment with my therapist. i might have um ghosted her a few weeks ago but i think it would be best to reach out to her for help. i didn’t want to at first but i know you want the best for me and id do anything for you alexis” you were crying again but alex was quick to dry your eyes with his hands

he held your arms out and kissed the ragged red lines across your arms. he kissed every last one, and you couldn’t help but smile sadly at him.

“y/n, let me take care of you okay?”

“even if i get bad like this again?”

“yes y/n, i don’t plan on leaving your side. i’m here now okay? i’m here hermosa”

you waited in your bedroom doorway as alex changed your bedding to clean sheets and a clean blanket. you were so incredibly lucky and thankful to have him here with you. when he finished, he laid you down and followed suit.

“when was the last time you ate?”

“probably yesterday.. well technically yesterday but all i had was a soda and some fruit.”

“would you like me to cook something for you? or maybe i could pick up some food?”

“you really don’t have to do that, you’ve already done so much for me i mean look at this house! it’s spotless and i don’t know how to even thank you for that..”

“don’t worry about that. are you hungry, yes or no?”

you nodded sheepishly

“okay, then give me like twenty minutes and i’ll be right back”

and with that, alex left you alone to get you some food. the moment you were by yourself, you couldn’t help but sob uncontrollably. it was all too much too soon. you weren’t ready to get better. you just wanted to be alone and you wanted to rot away in your bed with no one to bother you.

as these negative thoughts began to surface in your mind, your thoughts immediately switched to images of your shiny little friend that was hiding in your bathroom. you went to retrieve your favorite sharp blade and rolled up your sleeve. you stared at the red healing cuts on your arm and you suddenly remembered alex.

he was kissing your scars and asking if he could take care of you. you didn’t want to disappoint him. as much as you wanted to stay unwell, you didn’t want to do that to him. you stood up and flushed the blade down the toilet. you took a second to walk around your house and admire all that alex had done for you.

you sat in your living room and turned on the tv while waiting for his return.

as promised, twenty minutes had passed and alex walked into your house with some dinner for the two of you.

“honey! i’m home!” he laughed at his own joke as you playfully rolled your eyes at him

“hi… i missed you” you surprised alex with a tight hug

“woah, is everything okay y/n?”

“yeah, now that you’re here everything is perfect”

and the two of you talked over dinner. you thanked alex profusely for everything he’d done. he said it was no big deal, that he enjoyed taking care of you. and that was the end of that. the rest of the day consisted mostly of alex being very cuddly and sweet to you. but you didn’t mind it at all. the two of you simply enjoyed being together and everything felt okay in that moment.

[raindailies]

the chase is over. ᝰ.ᐟ

HACKER!SHU YAMINO x CRIMINAL!READER ──★ ˙ ̟ !!

INFO: you've been playing a game of chase with an infamous hacker who goes by Shu. He's finally caught up to you, after years. What will you do?

WARNINGS: major character death, angst no comfort, descriptions of blood, suicide ; no use of y/n

A/N: i wrote this at 12 am on a school night with a french test tomorrow so this is probably rlly shit spare me

English isn't my first language - so excuse any grammatical mistakes and bare with me here (╥_╥)

words:

𝐒𝐇𝐔 𝐘𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎 ✦ !

Who would've thought things would end like this?

Roughly 3 years ago, while simply robbing a small shop just down the road, you met face to face with an infamous hacker. You managed to slip out of his grasp then, but he had made it his mission to catch you with all his might - though you were a difficult one to deal with. You always ran away somehow, and it was like a never ending cycle.

Or so you thought.

He'd come close to catching you, and you'd slip away right as he's about to get you. You'd come close to finding out where he lives and boom it's actually a random garage. It was like a cat and mouse game. Over. And over. And over again.

A never-ending game.

Until it ended.

There you two were face to face with the man that has been hunting you for 3 consecutive years. You both standing on a rooftop, you stand near the edge of the rooftop, while he stands firmly in the middle. You have nowhere else to go. He finally caught you. He should feel proud, and satisfied, right? That's what he thought too.

"Looks like I lost" you smile, turning back to him.

"..don't say that." Shu mumbles, as his purple eyes interlocked with yours.

you smile.

he frowns.

"When are they arriving? The police, I mean." you chuckle bitterly, facing the man that you've been dreading to kill, but now that he's in front of you, you feel something else entirely.

Shu frowns, silent.

"Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't call the police, you must have." You knew he did.

"..are you really okay with this?" he mumble.

"No, not really. I wish our game went on for longer." You smile, dryly. "I had fun you know? Despite everything, the game was the highlight of my days"

"..it was mine too" he admits, his head low.

"you know, I never saw you close up" You turn to look at him, closely. His eyes reflected the midnight blue skies behind you. His purple eyes stare back at you, and the wind is softly blowing his hair around. He was charming, quite more than you had remembered.

"you're pretty." You breathe out, as you observe his flushed face.

"I- what. Uh.. you're. You're pretty too.." He finally mutters, his voice shaking as he avoids your piercing gaze. It wasn't a lie, no, in fact, he thought you were drop-dead gorgeous when he first saw you years ago. Ever more gorgeous now, his gaze is fixated on your figure.

"I take it you're not very happy. Why is that? Aren't you happy to finally be catching me after all that time? I must've been a pain in your ass, I apologize." You softly chuckle, though tears were threatening to spill at that point.

"..no. No not really. I- Thank you. Thank you for just..being you. It was really fun." He sighs as he comes to the realization of his own feelings. He thought it was just the adrenaline during those chases, but it was butterflies.

"whoop, there they come." You laugh, your eyes peering down at the police cars and sirens heading your way.

"I'm sorry." To your surprise, you look back, to see Shu with tears running down his eyes.

"Wh- no don't be sorry! I knew this day would come anyway." You quickly waved his tears off.

"I've grown to really like you over all that time Shu." You spoke again, this time, approaching him softly. As you stood near him, your hand brought his face to look at you in the eye, but tears were blinding his sight.

You sigh, using your thumb to wipe away some of his tears. "I'm sorry for everything I've done, maybe in another universe, we could've been friends, or more." you smile softly at him as his eyes widen in the realization of your next actions.

You quickly pulled him in for a hug, tightly, as Shu very quickly returned the favor. He hugs you back while sobbing on your shoulder, his weight falls on you.

"I'm so sorry." He mumbles through his tears.

"Don't be. I'm just glad we got to meet each other" You laugh softly, as the police come closer with each passing second. "In another universe, yeah?"

He nods.

"Good good, I'm sorry for this." You spoke lightly, softly tearing yourself away from the hug as the noises from the sirens and police yelling got louder by the minute. Shu's eyes widen in shock as he realizes your intentions now.

"no wait-!" He calls out to you, his legs just had to be so numb that he couldn't move. His breathing got rapidly faster as he saw you going closer and closer to the edge of the building.

one step.

another.

"thank you for being with me Shu! Our time together was short but the best I could ever ask for." You exclaim from the edge of the building.

Shu's ears were ringing, and everything in his body urged him to run at you.

"I love you." Your last words were uttered, and you finally let your body fall back.

in another universe, we'd be inseparable. But not this one.

© 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐒 - all rights reserved. please do not repost, plagiarize, translate, or share my work on other platforms in any way, shape, or form without my permission. if found, you WILL be blocked.

❝𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐢 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥.❞

[kroosluvr]

sorry i feel bad for ranting on """Main"" i guess though i kinda keep this more of apersonal blog than a very polished art blog thing. under the cut

things wld be easier if i was just an oc-centric artist (which i kinda am but only to myself in my head) but it Is how it is at this point (i want to draw my ocs more but they never turn out the way i want) and theres just so much i want to draw for the silly little media franchises that happen to capture my stupid little heart and etc.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh ifeel stupid for loving too much or whatever. i dont want to throw a pity party over this either because in the end its just "who cares LOVE WHAT U LOVE DRAW WHAT U WANT" right but in the moment i feel stupid and it sucks and i hate it actually!!!!!!! and i WILL in fact keep drawing hwat i want and what makes me happy but like idkidkdidkgkhw

sometimes i cant help thinking if i was a better artist.,, like more artistically skilled........ would people really say the things they do about the things i draw

^ (Authors note: no one has been mean about the stuff i draw just. side comments i guess lol. from my friends though and not random people . so its harder to just brush off i guess)

like maybe im just not good enough yet. which is fine. spite is actually a really good drawing proponent. but its also just like . when will it be enough to be worth it? will it be worth being my friend now if im a good artist? if i draw what you want? ...........................

its obviously not discounting the people who really enjoy my art style adn what i draw regardless (which im soooo so grateful for bc i never like expect anyone to stick around sicne my fixations change like the wind) but its like... these r the people i spend the most time with . and it sucks. i have to. second guess what i say and what i type and just. ok like i know its not that serious either but i hate it i really dont like it (<- im also just socially anxious if u cant tell)

and its also like i cant just extract myself from my friend group for a while to kinda cool off (read: muster the courage to be an idiot in front of them again) bc ummmmm um i dont have many friends . they are kind of all i got. (which is nice i like small circles(?) im not good at opening up to people.) and i do admire and like them very much but then i just feel like i get bit in the ass all the time (This past month) with shit like this i guess

and honestly like. well half the reason i keep switching fixations is BECAUSE of stuff like this where i feel self conscious of """"Being obsessed"""" over One thing so much so i just immediately switch tracks so fast but its just a cycle (Which i dont see as a bad thing tbh? it keeps my art moving and things fresh so like.)

And honestly i dont really try to . be too vocal about. fandom? stuff? when im with my friends? unless they bring it up first? i got burnt so many times with my vtuber interests so like lol ive Learned. but maybe it slips out too much? bruh. my bad i guess

i have to stop thinking abt this man.., why has this happened to me so many times this past month lol its kind of ridiculous

(Im sure they dont like. mean it. right? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if they actually meant it and want me to shut up then they should just actually say so right.,

i just want to draw . its not going to stop me from drawing but damn does it really like rain on my parade or put a dent in my fender or whatever other sayings that i cant think of right now

in the end i really REALLY appreciate frm the very very bottom of my heart everyone that even remotely likes/appreciates my art (especially the persona stuff nowadays bc thats what im mainly pouring all my mental and physical and emotional into) like i really really mean it. because this stuff like my silly comics and stuff is really stuff i make for purely my own heart and just what i want to see kinda. and so it just makes me feel really warm that people also want to see it and keep seeing it and love it and everything like that. and, with all this kind of negative stuff going on i just go back and reread tags and comments and stuff and i feel encouraged to keep going and draw more and everything like that. so like really, truly, thank you. i really never thought so many people would like the stuff i make. even if its not really artistically good, or really deeply interesting, im really happy it could be something special to people out there

[transmutationisms]

Love ur takes on the bio/body politics of Succession and I thought 4x09 delivered so much to unpack there!!! Found it so tragic/interesting the way Shiv was talking about her unborn child throughout the episode so resentfully, like a parasite/leech that she’d be prepared to neglect to pursue the company just like her father did…. The cycles of abuse are cycling lol. What do you make of shiv’s relationship to her motherhood and her awareness of her body’s utility to logan’s empire/under capitalism generally? I do really feel like her characterization this season is an interesting summation of the “having it all” discourse of neoliberal feminism (from catherine rottenberg’s Rise of Neoliberal Feminism, dk if you’ve read but I highly reccomend!) Just watching her last ditch attempts to cling to any remaining vestige of power within the company while so brutally reckoning with/abdicating her future motherhood that was hoisted upon her in part due to tom’s striving and ambition…. WHEW.

Also, do you have any insights on why roman was so shaken by seeing his father’s coffin/“is he in there?” I’m still trying to fully unpack that line with regard to what we know about his fear of death/aging and implied abuse he suffered but maybe I’ve got my tinfoil hat on lol.

yeah shiv's position is quite interesting right now. as my bf pointed out, she basically kept her position with matsson by promising not to love her baby. motherhood can be part of 'having it all' as long as there's a huge behind-the-scenes network of domestic workers, assistants, &c to support you. her lines in 4x04 about how she wishes logan could have held his grandkids are also telling; although she hasn't said anything explicitly about producing an heir, we know that's something logan wanted from her because his racism and ableism prevented him from seeing sophie and iverson as filling that role. shiv's earlier reluctance to have children was partly about her relationship with tom, but was also suggested to be partly a reaction to her fear that if she got pregnant, she would basically be relegated to the domestic sphere forever ('mommed') and would no longer be able to even try to become logan's successor. so, having a baby is useful to the company in terms of the long-term line of succession, but also has the potential to basically exclude shiv herself from the game. it converts her body into something that serves logan's interests in a very different way: she's no longer an employee but a mother.

as to roman, this was the culmination of a long fixation with his father's body. way back at the beginning of the show, roman was the one who denied logan was "an elderly patient" in the hospital; he saw logan as basically invincible, except of course for when the worry would break through ("i heard you tried to kill our dad with the sun"). he asked for one of logan's sweaters to sniff, which is later inverted by roman leaving his suit jacket with logan's body on the plane, then echoed by roman wearing logan's sweater around in 4x05. roman was also seen a few times taking logan's advil, a kind of logan relic and a way for roman to metaphorically consume him, which is resonant given how physically unaffectionate and actually violent logan was with him.

roman also has a fraught relationship with his own body, as shown by the body-checking, his restrictive eating, and his inability to fuck or even take his cock out in front of matsson. roman was disturbed when connor sent the funeral home photo of logan's body, and again when connor was talking about going to visit the body. for roman, bodies in general are a site of violence and shame, and logan's body specifically is something that logan always tried to deny existed or to transcend, yet also the way he physically inflicted pain upon roman. so, roman has this fixation on the physicality of logan's dead body, which both is and isn't logan, and which both disgusts and compels roman. seeing the coffin was disturbing because the body was both hidden and displayed, and roman almost couldn't force himself to believe that logan really was dead or even had a physical body that could be killed. and in the "can we get him out of there" line, roman was sort of hysterically trying to 'free' logan, both from death and from the constricting box, as well as trying to get physically closer to the father he misses greatly and has always both loved and feared.

[aidenlove]

CW frank mental illness breakdown vent. OCD to be specific. Also mention of sick pet and financial issues. If any of that is potentially an issue for you right now, scroll on by friends. Not an ask for money please do not offer.

Two days ago we found our daughters cat on the floor, listless and barely responsive and hypothermic in a warm room. It had been less than 2 hours since we had last been actively interacting with him. We rushed him to the vet and they sent us home with him in critical condition. He was full on in shock, had thrown up all the water he had drank that day and peed out the rest and was massively dehydrated, was hypothermic and seizing.

And we had to go home and....wait.

He made it through the night and has been improving since, though he still won't eat and they still don't know what happened. We scoured this house, no unsecured meds or trash, no houseplants at all because we have cats, no spills of chemicals or cleaning supplies or any of those accessible to the cats. No access to outside. No contact with strangers. This looks like a poisoning of some kind, most likely accidental ingestion of something, but we have no idea what and they haven't figured it out yet either.

He will probably be there a few more days. The entire household is worried sick about him.

I can't afford any of this. I've already paid $400 and we live on $1200 a month. The rest of however much this ends up being will be due before they will release him back to us. We don't have it. Our families don't have it. We are in a poor area of one of the poorest states in the country, no one close to us has it.

And I can't make a crowdfunding campaign.

Because my brain is very very convinced that if I do that he will die.

I *know* this is the OCD. I know how and why this happens. I know several excellent coping strategies. I have medication and my therapist's phone number and even my psychiatrist's number, I could ask for an emergency script for a dose of a stronger med.

None of that is helping. Can't do it. It doesn't seem to matter how much I know this isn't true, isn't based in reality, I cannot make myself do it. I can't ask for meds because that would make me more likely to do it and my current brain, that I am living with in this moment, considers that a catastrophic possibility.

I know higher stressors will elicit more extreme responses from my brain, especially the OCD. I know my coping strategies are good and usually work well. I know why this is happening, but none of that knowing changes the fact that my child will never see their very much beloved pet, who they raised from a kitten, ever again, if I can't sort this out. And that pressure makes it *worse*. Spiraling cycle of knowing I know better, knowing this is a perfectly reasonable thing to happen *to a person with even well managed OCD*, none of that actually helping the actual situation at hand, stress of that adding to fixation strength, repeat.

I couldn't just let him die. And he absolutely would have. He is alive and slowly recovering because we got him there in time. That was, without question, the right choice.

But because my brain was severely damaged by trauma, and my body is now equally damaged and we lost 80% of our income, that choice may have cost my child one of their best friends.

And I had a procedure on my spine the day before all this happened. I pushed more than I should have just doing the drive to the vet, but I didn't care and I don't regret it. But now I'm stuck in bed, managing maybe 20 steps at a time with hours of rest between attempts. So lots of time to sit and. Well. Spiral. The distraction game isn't going well.

I try so hard to be encouraging and positive, but right now I hate my life so fucking much. It hurts so much, all the time. Sometimes, like now, it's past the breaking point. The pieces will settle and I'll put them back together, but right now I am very much broken.

[impossiblycolorfulpanda]

Would you mind explaining why you ship Azaang? It seems interesting, but I can't put my finger on it. Since you dominate the tag, maybe you have some insights about the ship?

Short answer: It's a superior, more intimate, more suggestive, and more spiritually attuned version of Zukaang and a complete antithesis to Kataang. It mostly takes place in my Book 4: Air/Dark Avatar Ozai AU.

...

Long answer: I believe it all started when I read Aaron Ehasz's tweet about Azula having her own redemption arc with Zuko as her Iroh basically. I then read a fanfic called Azula's Redemption where she's redeemed through Aang by showing her how to open and master her own chakras. It ends with Azulaang being endgame.

It's commonly believed that Azulaang is another "opposites attract" thing but mostly with their personalities rather than elements, even though Aang can waterbend and that art was one of the easiest for him to learn. Azula also had a rather strong fixation on the earth kingdom and was able to bend the Dai Li to her will with ease.

It is often shipped along with Zutara because it gives Aang a love interest. Some fans also see the possibility of Azula reforming due to Aang. I've been studying both characters and their dynamics with other people. I came to the conclusion that Azulaang has as much narrative significance as Zutara.

Azula getting better is the ultimate goal in Azulaang but I wanted to complicate things a bit where Aang is mostly changed by Azula's influence as well.

I invented a little mechanic where Aang and Azula form a spirit bond. This bond unites them as fate, allowing them to understand each other better than anyone else and one will know when the other is lying. This bond is formed when Aang finishes opening his own chakras first and it gets even stronger once Azula completes her chakra session next. Why it didn't form in Ba Sing Se is likely because Aang's fire and light chakras weren't fully opened. Do you know how Katara was an earthly tether blocking Aang's last chakra? I picture Azula being something of an opposite entity where her presence keeps all chakras open.

I mostly place Azulaang within the Dark Avatar Ozai AU of mine. In case you're wondering about that, it's an AU where ATLA has a Book 4: Air but the story arcs from the back half of season 2 of Legends of Korra are put in Aang's saga instead. Some parts of the first 3 seasons are altered though, like when Aang meets Roku for the first time, he vaguely describes Vaatu but doesn't mention his name. In the Library, the gaang learn the names Raava and Vaatu but no more than that, at the beginning of season 3, Avatar Wan's two-part episodes debut while Aang is still in a coma, at the end of season 3, Ozai fights the lion turtle instead of Aang at a different location and his plans for the earth kingdom were a trick to keep the gaang distracted. Ozai wins by slaying the beast and consuming its soul.

The dark avatar doesn't just obtain all bending arts in the opposite direction of Aang's cycle but consumes/controls the very sources of the bending arts, the entire power system of the avatarverse, and the souls of all original benders after causing them to go extinct.

Again, I always imagine Azulaang taking place in that timeline because the reason why their spirit bond forms in the first place is because Ozai doesn't need to fuse with Vaatu, Ozai IS Vaatu. Vaatu is also the true orchestrator of the 100-year war through Sozin and is reborn as a human through Iroh's mother, Ilah. Another reason is that Azula will have every reason in the world to want to join Team Avatar, bond or no bond.

Aang is the one who loses his past lives but in return, after he's purified, Vaatu's natural abilities, instincts, and status are taken from him and combined with all of Raava's while still permanently fused with Aang.

There have been times when Azulaang was seen through a biblical lens with Aang as an angelic archetype and Azula as a demonic archetype.

I hope this makes sense and I didn't just ramble on.

[candythepuppy]

Insanely basic steps for writing Autistic characters:

(I have Autism, so this one rings close to home.)

1. I would recommend looking up the traits of Autism, both common and not, to pick and choose from. Obviously, you can't just shove every single trait into one character. That would be cringe. But at least for now gather together all the ones you can find. (Bonus points if you do some extra research and get a feeling for why such traits exists and what it is like to have them.)

2. So, you know generally what an Autistic person looks like. Nice. Now, pick out the traits you think would work best for YOUR character. That's right. As a writer, you essentially get to play GOD, so use that power wisely my friends. Remember to think about what fits your character's story the best.

Example: In my "The Last Human" book Steve has lived on his own for a remarkably long amount of time. This has made him terribly...terrible at communicating and getting close with others. The subtle Autistic traits, such as being touch avoidant and easily overwhelmed in social situations, is only meant to fan the flames a little more.

Basically, don't try to make your character all about Autism. Instead, pick out traits that will only add to the character you have already created.

3.1. Taking whatever traits you have chosen for your Autistic character, whether it be certain stims, difficulty hearing, or pain tolerance, it is time to fit all of these things into your character's backstory. Remember that someone's traits are formed as a coping mechanism for said character's weaknesses. (I, for instance, am particularly sensitive to noise, so I -- being a shy person -- tend to shut down if in a really loud environment. My 'coping mechanism' is blocking out the noise around me by retreating into my own mind. Dissociating, as you may also call it. This, in turn, has essentially coaxed me from birth into having a very large inner world to which I retreat to.) It's all about cause and effect.

Your character's past can affect their traits just as much as their traits can affect their past. It is a vicious cycle that you just have to figure out how to balance.

Example: Say your character is really outgoing and one of their traits is that they are very sensitive to light. This person may naturally gravitate towards being a night owl or only agree to go to events if it is later in the evening. But since they are so outgoing and may have a hard time knowing ahead of time whether or not an event will meet their needs, they might end up becoming the person in the friend group who always hosts the events. That way, they have full control over every single aspect of the setting that might trigger them.

3.2. And of course, for the more dramatic character backstories, if your Autistic character lost their entire family in a blazing fire, perhaps give them really sensitive hearing or something, so on top of everything they witness, it will be the sound..or the smell..that ticks them off the most. Maybe the smell was overwhelming, and even getting a whiff of it again instantly reminds them of the event. Fun concept for writing PTSD in general~ Sorry, I'm off topic again.

Or say your character's backstory deals more with long term abuse from a parental figure trying to turn their child into the next greatest villain or something. In that case, their traits may adjust accordingly. Hyper-fixation is a good one. Perhaps they teach themselves to hyper-fixate on "important" things like practicing magic or perfecting their fighting style. This can go to an obsessive level thanks to their hyper-fixation. They may not even notice their knuckles are bleeding or their hair is on fire. (Which is an actual trait I have dealt with while training in martial arts. "Oh I'm bleeding?? Sorry, didn't even notice.")

4. And finally but arguably one of the most important steps is naturally weaving their traits into the character's story going forward.

Example: Again from ma' pal Steve, he throughout the story had to learn to use moderation when it came to his obsessive, one-track minded behavior. He had to learn to enjoy taking it slow and not overwork himself so hard. One of his stims was actually jogging, so whenever he broke his leg, it was an especially big deal, since he could no longer do whatever helped to calm him down. Such a small problem quickly grew into a big deal that had to be faced head on...all thanks to the inclusion of his Autistic traits.

As you may have noticed, I never used any "truly Autistic" examples. I didn't tell you how to write a visit with the therapist where the two talk about the character's struggles. I didn't give any tips on how to write a meltdown realistically. And I most certainly didn't say anything about writing a socially inept kid trying to make friends.

Wanna know why? Because that's a bit repetitive at this point. By now, pretty much everyone knows what Autism is. You shouldn't have to spell it out for your readers unless it is 100% crucial to the plot and characters driving said plot.

Bonus tip:

Just being real here. Saying up front that your character is Autistic right away, or advertising them as such, will in the end ruin people's perception of them. They will go, "oh, well I am not Autistic, so I can't relate." and not emotionally connect to the character as much as they would have if the lable was left ambiguous. Either that, or they will question why this is not an "Autistic story."

I have nothing against "Autistic stories," but they're all the same in my experience at least, and by this point everyone already knows what to expect from one of these stories. And that takes away from the magic of storytelling.

So, it's perfectly alright to tell people, "Hey, my character is Autistic." However, it is when people advertise their character as such or bank on people only liking them because they are Autistic that I have to ask you to chill. Advertising Autism leads to less immersion, since the diagnosis is expected to be at the center of it all. And expecting people to like your character only because they are "quirky/Autistic" is just asking for people to roll their eyes and walk away, uninterested.

Sorry if this post was a little too long. I had a lot to say... Seeya! 👋

[beantothemax]

SMT APOCALYPSE FIC INCOMING!!!!!!!!! No spoilers!

Shinjuku. A place known for its nightlife, lies in disarray. This isn't new for the citizens of Tokyo. And hasn't been new for a while yet.

A girl sits on a rooftop. She is dressed in a brown school uniform of unknown origin, her dark hair flowing freely in the cold wind of Tokyo. She looks out of place here, too clean for the crushed buildings and unkempt streets. But she doesn't care. She never really cared at all.

She is scanning the entrance to the small courtyard. Trying to find someone. It has been a while since Hikaru has seen them, almost 25 cycles. Usually, she arrives around now, give or take a couple minutes. Sometimes she is late, sometimes she is not.

Hikaru’s gaze fixates at a newcomer. It is Vidé. The one who she can confidently call her friend. Not ally, not adversary, a friend. It is a strange relationship they hold, but it is held nonetheless.

Vidé walks smoothly, gliding across the broken asphalt like water on tile. She, or rather, he, is dressed in a gray peacoat. Messy, clipped white hair frames his face along an uneven part. His eyes are black, his skin pale, his gait confident. He pulls at one of his gloves, scanning the buildings, before finding his mark.

“Hikaru! Good to see you!” He yells up at the girl. His voice is a soft tenor, invoking visions of plastic smiles and barely-hidden madness.

As soon as Hikaru gets a closer look at him, she laughs. An unsettling thing. It is far too childish for a girl of her age, and reaches around any listener who tries to find the bearer. Vidé looks at her fondly.

“It’s good to see you too, prince.” She says, a sly smile on her face.

“I could say the same thing,” He chirps, “ How about we go to our usual spot?”

“Sure!”

———

A boy and a girl sat on a rooftop, overlooking city streets. Wind breezes past the both of them, carrying faint voices of Demons. Vide treasured these moments of stillness, before everything goes downhill. Or uphill, depending on one’s perspective.

Hikaru turned to him, a playful smirk on her face. “So… you gotta tell me where you’ve been these past few cycles.”

Vidé matches her smirk with his own. “I’ve been around. Recently got to look at a different form of chaos. To be honest, I don’t think you would enjoy it too much.”

“Hit me.”

A soft smile. “It was more of… a people celebrating their differences. It was hard to tell when the traditional ended and when the modern began. Mixing and matching culture and customs. It was pure anarchy. Creative chaos in the best way.”

Hikaru shrugged. “Chaos in culture, huh? Sounds fun, but not exactly my style."

“Don’t say I didn’t try selling it to you. Maybe a song from them would change your mind?”

Her face brightened. “Oh? Is that your song this time?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. Figured I’d revisit a classic.”

“Everything Stays?”

“How’d you know?”

She put her hands on her hips, wearing a snide smile. “You have so many attachments to that song. I would be surprised if you didn’t play that song in this area at least once.”

He scoffed. “Read me like a book.”

He spun out a familiar guitar, and the intercom below them crackled to life for the first time once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vidé smiled while he played, for he had an ace up his sleeve.

Elsewhere, A young boy was wandering the underground of a nameless district. He was playing hide and seek with a good friend, and he lost the game of rock-paper-scissors. He wasn’t exactly performing his task enthusiastically, but that’s not exactly a bad thing. For it got him into the right place at the right time.

The intercom above him made a feedback noise, distracting him from the task at hand. A rare occurrence. Those things hadn’t been working since the Firmament went up. He was naturally drawn to it, as any curious child would. A gentle song began humming from the loudspeaker, with soft piano and an even softer voice. The boy whose soul blazed like the sun listened to the tune, just like his twin who shone like the moon.

Hummingbird you found me resting on my own. Leave me be I'm colored sad. All the world's forgot me, left me all alone, Almost it's as if I'm mad.

Hear the way the sunset, Think we'll find tomorrow? Do you think tomorrow's different than today? Weary of my eyes, I've tired many tries. What is it you offer? I'll take what you offer.

So we share a moment, Is this not a sign? Whistle up a rhyme or melody. Both us move along, Our unity create, Two is quite a potent remedy.

The song was simple, the piano dancing with another instrument that the boy had never heard of filling in an empty space he didn’t even know existed.

What is it you'll find here? Why'd you even come here? What would make you want to stay?

Where is it you're off to? Curious of wonder, Maybe I could join you? Leave myself behind.

Another unknown instrument, this one more melodic in tune, began taking the stage with its own dance. The flute and unknown swaying in perfect harmony.

Look us sit and witness turning of the leaves, Fallen snow and death be had. Stuck here in my roots we hold into the breeze, This is why I'm colored sad. If you have the answer, Where I might belong to, Point to where I'll find my peace.

If you father pride, A sense of what you're after, Is not what you're after, Always just the same?

Hummingbird who share in Death be all but known, Flutter into sweeter times. Tell me that I'll be there, Observed and observing, Father of the future… times.

The song ended with a low note, and the boy released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He stared at the now-silent speaker, and wondered if what he heard was real.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hikaru clapped. “Good song! Good song!”

Vidé smiled, letting the construct melt into his shadow. “Thank you, glad to see that my voice can continue to amuse you.”

Hikaru hummed. “Amusing isn’t the half of it. See you around?”

He made his way to the edge of the rooftop, listening to his friend. “Always a pleasure.”

Vidé bowed to her, then turned around and jumped off of the roof. A dramatic gesture, but what is he without theatrics?

Meanwhile in a distant district, a child dreamt of hummingirds and soft tones.

Kurokami smiled.

twenty-five cycles? concerning word there.

the girls(?) are here again!!!!!!!!!!! on a rooftop no less….. what are they plotting………

A BOY AND GIRL PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK YOU SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW WHO THOSE TWO ARE!!!!! A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and auh very good song…. you describing certian parts of it as they came up like the instruments and whatnot was very cool……..

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im very excited for you to play apocalypse again becuase it’s so cool……… love this game a lot already…. excellent fic!!!!!

[aubins]

TOA Anniversary Munday!

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

NAME. darcy, but i also go by elio in other places

PRONOUNS. they/them

BIRTHDAY (NO YEAR). january 9

WHERE ARE YOU FROM? WHAT IS YOUR TIMEZONE? sea & gmt+8

ROLEPLAY EXPERIENCE. i couldn't give you an exact timeline tbh i do it very on and off for the most part

GOT ANY PETS? not at the moment!

FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR. there aren't really seasons where i'm from, so more generally my favorite time of year is the start of it! something nice about seeing the year turn over i think

SOME INTERESTS AND THINGS YOU LIKE. my life is a constant cycle of consume new media > fixate on said media > repeat so my current interests really depend on what i've gotten into recently haha (rain code right now i fear) otherwise some things i always like to talk about regardless are atla, orv, ace attorney, and specifically venti from genshin & ryuki from somnium files. i'm sure there are other things that i can't remember rn tho haha. in general, i also like math, reading & writing (i mean. you know LOL), photography, and music (i play the piano)! i also just like to learn in general

SOME FUN FACTS & TRIVIA ABOUT YOU. i speak three languages, though i can only confidently say i'm fluent in two. my mandarin has unfortunately suffered from years of disuse

WHAT NON-FIRE EMBLEM GAMES DO YOU PLAY? ace attorney, somnium files, rain code…there is a pattern here lol but those aside, other games i like that come to mind are 13 sentinels: aegis rim, hades, pokemon, and honkai: star rail

FAVORITE POKEMON TYPE & POKEMON. fairy types & ditto :] i just think it's a silly little guy

HOW DID YOU GET INTO FIRE EMBLEM? my brother came home with fe3h one day and i decided to play it too because he seemed like he was having fun

WHAT FIRE EMBLEM GAMES HAVE YOU PLAYED? fe11, fe12, fe16 (+ hopes), & fe17! though i got a little bit through awakening before i stopped, and i've watched play throughs of the tellius games & sov

FIRST FIRE EMBLEM GAME. three houses

FAVORITE FIRE EMBLEM GAME. i don't know if i would say i have a specific favorite to be honest

ANY FIRE EMBLEM CRUSHES? hm, not really? if i had to say one, maybe yuri, but that's in part gender envy i think haha

IF YOU'VE PLAYED THE FOLLOWING GAMES, WHO WAS YOUR FIRST S SUPPORT? WHO WOULD YOU S SUPPORT NOWADAYS? — THREE HOUSES. claude…probably yuri these days though haha — ENGAGE. technically no one because i immediately reset it after, but i gave the pact ring to veyle before i did

FAVORITE FIRE EMBLEM CLASS. mages are fun! in general i just like magic conceptually

IF YOU WERE A FIRE EMBLEM CHARACTER, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CLASS? i used to do archery so probably an archer!

IF YOU WERE A THREE HOUSES CHARACTER, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR AFFILIATION? i am heavily biased toward the golden deer because they were my first route haha but i'm an ashen wolves liker at heart so probably between those two

IF YOU WERE AN ENGAGE CHARACTER, WHICH EMBLEM WOULD YOU ENGAGE WITH? ooh…byleth? goddess dance is silly methinks

HOW DID YOU FIND TOA? i was struggling a lot with my writing at the time and stumbled upon the heart & soul ad on twitter! it was rather serendipitous timing i think

CURRENT TOA MUSES. one mister yuri leclerc

WHO WAS YOUR FIRST TOA MUSE? IF YOU DON'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE, COULD YOU SEE YOURSELF PICKING THEM UP AGAIN? my first muse was the lovely marianne von edmund :] she is very dear to my heart which unfortunately means i was very hard on myself when it came to writing her so probably not, but i think of her time in toa fondly

HAVE YOU HAD ANY OTHER TOA MUSES? caeda very briefly from when i first picked up the archanea games, and est whose app i wrote on the spot in the middle of the night after rereading her base conversations & supports

DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A TYPE OF CHARACTER YOU GRAVITATE TOWARDS? i'm sure i probably do, but i wouldn't be able to put my finger on it myself. i think the process that happens for me when it comes to muses is that i find characters with certain aspects that i find interesting and would like to explore, then i learn to write them. and very rarely a character will just hit me over the head with a steel chair (yuri and est namely for muses i have/had in toa haha)

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE YOU ENJOY WRITING THE MOST? i love exploring a variety of relationship dynamics, though antagonistic relationships and found family in particular are my favorites (paw against the glass for the ashen wolves..) and i like writing the disparity between what a character thinks internally versus what they would actually express externally. more generally, i really enjoy writing combat!

FAVORITE TOA-RELATED MEMORY. i think any silly rng moments with the dice. two that come to mind immediately are est & sirius whiffing their attacks against one another in arena and, far more recently, waking up to yuri immediately getting bodied in team zofia. those made me laugh a lot haha

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE TOA? by the letters! t-o-a

GOT ANY DELUSIONS THAT DIDN'T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE? fun fact of the day is that edelgard was going to be my first muse before i got intimidated at the idea of writing a lord mfksldjflskd i unironically have delusions of writing sommie haha but otherwise i have half-written apps for clarisse, both solm royals, lysithea, and shez

[holkazmesice]

The thing is –⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

(about trauma, being hurt, having emotional damage, baggage, living with consequences of events out of your control)

nobody owes you healing the mistakes of other people or mending your past.

I see a lot of tumblrians in my feed sharing personal intense feelings regarding BPD or traumatic responses and mechanisms stemming from their (C)PTSD and other mental illnesses that resulted from being mistreated or hurt (many times repeatedly). I myself was officially diagnosed with BPD almost 15 years ago now, C-PTSD 4 years ago, OCD 3 years ago, AuDHD this year. I've been getting panic attacks since I was 6 years old, suffered from insomnia my whole life and when I get overloaded or triggered, I cannot leave my flat and tend to heavily dissociate (to the point of not remembering what I did for hours, sometimes days). I think this needs to be said prior to my stream of consciousness, just in case. I am coming out from a place of experience with my own (sometimes failed) attempts at recovery.

There is no one else who should "fix" what others caused. I wish there was. I wish somebody was made responsible, held accountable and had to treat you nicely and with regards to trauma you have been through. I wish somebody would allocate people who would willingly put up with bullshit trauma causes you to think, fixate on, obssess about, who would reassure you constantly, kept you company for all eternity and never lost patience with you, regardless of how irrational your behaviour got. I wish it was possible to employ a new person to be everything somebody else wasn't just because you are in pain and need to heal.

But trauma doesn't mandate special treatment. It can provide explanation for sometimes erratic behaviour, disturbing thought patterns, unhealthy coping mechanisms, trauma responses during unpleasant interactions; but opening up about your past doesn't warrant you a happy ending just because you've suffered enough. Nobody else in the world owes you that kind of attention. That's Hollywood poppycock, tear-jerking movie logic, Spielberg-crafted illusion of closure. Hundreds and hundreds of books written about how it should work in ideal world. But in reality, is it really fair to hold any human responsible for somebody else's fuck up and expect them to fix it?

I am not trying to discourage anybody from seeking help, opening up to their friends or family, searching for a person nice enough to stick around for, by no means. I am talking about the "I told you I was hurt/traumatised by somebody doing X and you did X anyway" logic, very common phenomenon, especially in BPD brains. Expecting people to stick around just because they know how much it hurts you when somebody leaves – well, that's just emotional blackmail, isn't it? Is it actually healing, having "somebody to stick around for once", if said somebody can't leave you out of obligation, guilt or worry you will hurt yourself if they do? Does it amend past trauma if they genuinely don't want to stick around, but feel like they don't have a choice? (And doesn't that kind of make you the toxic one now? Do you want to become potential trauma to somebody else, knowing how much effort it takes to rid yourself of it?)

If they don't want to stay, don't force them. Maybe instead heal a little bit through letting go of somebody consciously and out of your own volition. Take control over your life again, don't make yourself miserable and feel worthless because of "another one gone, everybody leaves me anyway". They are not neccessarily another one to prove the pattern, nor should any individual human bear such kind of power over your mental health. Your mind holds the pattern. Don't mash somebody in an algorithm if they don't compute, don't let your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Break the cycle and stay conscious of tendencies to shift your traumatic perception into a reality. Others are not obliged to love you unconditionally. You should be.

[slutwithagut]

Post #2

The amount of cigarettes I’m smoking is insane for someone with no income! It’s time to ration. It would be cheaper to roll my own… but I don’t know how to roll. Maybe now is the time to finally learn? I digress. We will worry about that at a later time n date.

I have a close friend who employs me to give him rides home from work. Usually every Monday he needs a ride home from work around 8:10 pm because he goes in at 8 something the next day. Occasionally he asks for rides from the local trolley stop that’s about a 10 minute drive from my house.

I bring this up because my weekly income is about $28 on a good week.

So I need to chill on the tobacco.

Things were easier when I smoked spliff bowls (mole bowls, moke bowls, party bowls, whatever u wanna call them) which is cannabis mixed with tobacco. I’ve purchased a great many bags of bugler tobacco. It’s much more cost effective then buying a pack of cigs. The bugler pouch is roughly good for about 30 cigs versus the 20 you find pre rolled. It costs $7/$8 while a pack of cigs is $10/$11

I had purchased a joint rolling machine and filters earlier this year to roll my own. I found it just didn’t hit the same. I also proceeded to break the joint roller. A common theme in my life. Breaking useful objects due to carelessness and or intoxication. If only y’all knew me when I did XANAX and drank heavily while popping. I broke so many things… three lovely bongs, a babyliss hair straightener, bottles, and endured countless bruises and scratches. I also strained some of my personal relationships as you don’t give a single solitary FUCK when your xanned out.

So moral of the story is I am going to start rationing out my cigarettes.

I might buy a vape but I have to go on the black market for one and it seems like such a hassle.

Smoking cigarettes may seem glamorous and look cool. It feeds my oral fixation. But it makes you stink. I literally need to buy gum, scented hand sanitizer, and a small bottle of body spray so I don’t smell bad.

Wish my luck my loves! It ain’t easy trying to kick my vices.

It’s also 12:19 a.m. while I write this. My brain is tired but my body is on high alert. I do suffer from insomnia and weed helps that a lot.

It’s tough to learn how to live my life with out mind altering substances. I also find myself becoming more irritable. I might need to up the dosage on my medicine. I also kind of want to ask my doctor for sleeping pills… but it seems wrong? Since they have a potential for abuse. It would be nice to actually be able to fall asleep around the same time every night. I’ll probably be up until 2 or 3.

If I fall asleep before that I usually wake between 3 and 4 to pee. Then toss and turn till 6 or 7. Get up, smoke a cigarette and if I’m lucky fall back a sleep for a bit. I awake groggy and feeling worse than when I first woke. But still I nap after waking up. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m going to start wearing my FitBit smart watch to bed again so I can track my sleep. It lets you know how many times you wake up, how deep your sleep was, etc. and it gives you a sleep score for the night. I want to see if my sleep is truly fucked up enough to constitute medicine. The less pills I’m on the better. But sleep is important and staying up late with my thoughts is not the most pleasant experience.

At least now I have you guys to talk and write to, to pass the time.

Restlessly,

D

[tunglo]

For the character ask thingy : Anakin! Feel like this is an obvious one but oh well

Why I like them - He's like the embodiment of that 'well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions' meme. And that's not to dismiss his trauma or his role as a tragic hero and victim of circumstance. It's just that whenever he is given a choice, when he's called on to make a decision, 9.5 times out of 10 it will be terrible. He's a walking disaster zone. When he becomes Vader he can't even do being a villain properly. He's still getting upset by the same stuff he did as Anakin, and repeating the same stupid cycles over and over again.

Why I don’t - It's like the whole point of his character but, wow, he can be such a dick. Granted, nowhere near as much of a dick as he'll later become as Vader, but still enough for it to sometimes be a struggle to not cheer on whoever is hurting him at any given moment.

Favourite episode (scene if movie) - RotS. It's just the culmination of everything Anakin's always been - I forget which book exactly now, but the ya one where he arrives on Tatooine at three and is just openly fixated as guards kill a guy in front of him. He's a scary murderous child who consistently follows the wrong paths and grows into a terrifying genocidal adult.

Favourite season/movie - I'll go with books to be awkward. I love Jude Watson's Jedi Quest series. In a lot of the later stuff we're told Anakin spends his entire teens pining for Padme. In Quest he never spares her a single passing thought because his head's too full of stuff like this:

‘He should not focus on what he didn’t have. He had this. This was his. And that was something. He would work hard. He would be a great Padawan. And Obi-Wan would come to love him. He would make him do so.’

Favourite line - “I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.” Because it sounds so cool, but it's probably just a verbatim repeat of something Obi-Wan said to him when he misbehaved but still got to stay up and watch his show on the holonet or whatever.

Favourite outfit - the RotS Jedi robes. I did not understand the teen mags' love of Hayden Christensen at all until he turned up looking like this in RotS.

OTP - Obikin, duh. xD

Brotp - Just a boy and his droid.

Head Canon - I'm sure we all know about my river stone obsession. He carried it with him everywhere until it was finally lost to the flames of Mustafar. (or maybe in the realms of my own fic, even beyond...) Also that he wears his robes oversized 'cos it reminds him of being younger and wearing Obi-Wan's robes. Home and safety and all his unhinged possessiveness...

Unpopular Opinion - I don't know really? I'm not a big fan of TCW in general so I never really gel with 'Anakin as the cool Master' vibe. I mean, Ahsoka thinks he's great, but I imagine most of her age group view him as just as weird and unsettling as how own peers did.

A Wish - I want more of his doomed attempts to find an Obi-Wan replacement. I loved The Ghost Prison so much. :D

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen - can it get worse than canon? He brings about all his own worst nightmares.

5 words to best describe them - reckless, tragic, tortured, broken, babygirl.

My nickname for them - my Anakin snips folder is now called 'Anikuntery' ♥

[cq-studios]

Since you said it was cool to ask about other WIPs, I'm SUPER curious about The End of Normal now, since the concept/potential dynamic between Brain and Eraqus seems really interesting.

(For this)

Heehehehheeheheh, yesssss, join me in the pit Cori lol

For the ones who haven’t seen my other post. This fic is a part of Nameless AU, which is an AU where Eraqus’ parents die and Brain has to take care of him (which is most definitely an oversimplification of it but that’s the gist).

So The End of Normal is the first chapter. Its where Eraqus finds out his parents died (which is the scene I’m gonna put in this post because I haven’t switched the other parts out of Brain’s perspective yet)

But if you want some Brain and Eraqus dynamic I can explain what it’s like at this point in time for you.

So this was touched on in the Dead Daughter Monologue, but Brain was an absent father in this AU. He sent his daughter (and wife) away because he couldn’t handle being responsible for kids after loosing all the Dandelions in UX (he didn’t completely abandon the two tho, he would pay for things and they were still held in high standing since the Blueblood status and stuff, he just never properly bonded with his kid). It’s because of this that a) Eraqus doesn’t necessarily hold him in high standings and b) Brain and Eraqus would never have never really talked before Eraqus ended up in his custody.

So they’re really awkward, avoidant, and kinda prickly towards eachother at first. Brain is trying his best but never really worked through anything (he doesn’t talk about it. Talk about your trauma Brain. Share with the class. It’ll make you feel better in the long run, I promise), and Eraqus is grieving and around someone who he doesn’t think cares (he’s still trying to keep up that cheery demeanour tho but sometimes it cracks).

And if I’m honest I haven’t actually written them interacting much yet, at least not bonding. Like the ideas are in my notes and I’m like ‘mmmm, yes,’ but I haven’t written them out yet… maybe I should do that next (or I should actually finish a chapter… or both lol)

Anyways here’s a snippet of the chapter

(As with all of these, it’s subject to change)

“And if you take into consideration the…”

Eraqus’ eyes were glued to the clock as time passed. And time passed so slowly. Sure, Master Odin was teaching, but if he wanted Eraqus to pay attention he shouldn’t be so monotone and easy to tune out. Especially since it was the last class of the day. Was there anyone here who wasn’t wishing for it to be over already?

“You know, staring at the clock doesn’t make time pass faster,” Bragi, who was sitting next to him, leaned in to whisper directly into his ear. His body shuttered as a chill went down his spine.

With a groan, he peeled his gaze away from the clock, “let me believe it for a second”.

“I did. It’s been several seconds,” His friend said, flashing him an smirk, “If I let you believe it any longer your eyes woul-”

“Shhhhhhh!” Urd spun her head around and held the two of them in a firm glare, “unlike you two, some of us actually care about our education”.

“Hey, it’s not my fault. Bragi’s the one who started the conversation,”

“Ouch, betrayal,” Widened eyes filled with mock hurt landed on Eraqus for a moment. Then, lifting up his hands in surrender, Bragi chuckled, “Alright, alright, my bad”.

“You guys are unbearable,” The grey haired girl said, with a shake of her head and a roll of her eyes. It was delivered like an insult, but the amused smile on her face before she turned away told Eraqus not to take it as one.

It didn’t take long for Eraqus to find himself once again fixated on the clock. The second hand spun in an endless cycle, and he counted each full rotation.

Only 60 minutes left.

Only 59 minutes left.

Only- Bark!

His head snapped in the direction of the door. There stood a small white dog-like spirit with a star on its head and a letter tied to its neck. Eraqus tilted his head. They only used spirits to deliver announcements when they were private…

Or when it had something to do with him.

He watched attentively as Master Odin untied the string holding the letter around the spirit’s neck. The usual question ran through his head. Am I getting picked up early? Could I please be getting picked up early?

The Master unfurled the paper then stood silent for what felt like an eternity as he read it. Come on please. “Eraqus,” Yes! “they want you at the office”. Wait. The office?

Slowly, Eraqus got up out of his chair. If he was dismissed they would’ve said as much, and he could just walk home. But the office? Why would they want him there?

As he was making his way out the door, he could hear Vor, behind him, going, “Oooh, you’re in trouble”.

She meant it as a joke, he knew that, but it certainly made him wonder.

I didn’t do anything wrong did I? He went over the whole day in his head. He didn’t think he did anything wrong.

The spirit led him past several full classrooms. Other students’ eyes burned holes into him as he walked by each open door.

Rumours were going to start spreading like wildfire, he could feel it. Did you hear? The Blueblood got sent to the office. I heard he did this. I heard he did that. That was the price of being the grandson of the great Master Brain, he supposed.

Not like he’d asked for it.

“Hey! Eraqus!” He turned his head to see Bragi running up behind him. His friend caught up but had to pause for a moment, hands on his knees, to catch his breath. With a laugh, Eraqus shot him a look. The redhead tilted his head up, matching that look with one of his own.

“So, the office. You know what’s up with that?” he asked between heavy breaths.

Eraqus shook his head, “No clue”.

“Figured as much,” Bragi shrugged, straightening himself out and starting to make his way forward. “Couldn’t think of anything you’d done worthy of an office visit”.

“Me neither,” he kept pace with his friend. His tone must’ve given his worry away because Bragi kept shooting him concerned looks as they moved. Eraqus decided that it was best to change the subject, “So, how’d you get out of class?”

“Asked to go to the bathroom,” Bragi lit up slightly, eyes glittering with mischief, “if he confronts me about being gone for 30 minutes I’ll politely inform him that he ‘was lucky he didn’t eat the cafeteria food yesterday’”.

A snort escaped Eraqus, “That’s genius”.

“Right? And it works every time,”

The two laughed their way through the rest of the halls and eventually made it to the office.

Eraqus was glad Bragi met up with him. Skipping class to hang out with a friend would make a nicer sounding rumour then ‘he got sent to the office’. He’d have to do some explaining to his parents but other than that, no real damage control would be needed.

Plus, having company certainty helped ease his tensing nerves.

What didn’t help though, was that now that they were outside the office, Bragi stood next to him completely silent.

There was a moment of hesitation before Eraqus broke away from his friend. He flashed Bragi a quick smile. The redhead returned the grin and gave him a, “Good luck”, right before he followed the dog-like creature the rest of the way into the office.

“You sent for-” He watched as the spirit hopped up onto the desk, giving the secretary’s face a lick. And that face looked as though it’d seen a ghost. “…me?”

A woman he didn’t recognize stood next to the secretary’s desk. She held her hands clasped in front of her. Her face was stiff, serious.

A pit formed in his stomach.

“Eraqus,” The woman began, her posture softening slightly.

The secretary pulled the dog-like creature closer to her chest, interrupting the stranger before she could begin to elaborate, “we just heard word from the team your parents were working with on today’s mission. They’ve-” her voice broke, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

He could feel water pooling in his as well. There weren’t many things she could mean. Not with that reaction.

“There was a battle and they-they didn’t make it. I’m so sorry”.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, looking for advice, reassurance, and positive words. TW for vague mentions of medical stuff, symptoms, and meds (nothing specific).

I have very bad health anxiety. The symptom or illness I obsess over changes, I'll go through phases where I think I have one thing, then another. Lately a huge trigger for me has been seeing people talk about how certain medications I take for physical and mental health are "bad" and I start freaking out even though they're either prescribed to me or they are over the counter meds my doctor approved of, and I don't abuse anything I take.

I went for a while without having a doctor because of an insurance issue I was having, and now that I do have a doctor, it's possible that I can talk about different treatment options or see if I can get referred to a therapist again since a lot of my conditions are triggered or worsened by stress. But I'm not scheduled to see him again for a long time and in the meantime, I constantly get stuck in "catastrophe loops" where I'm thinking things like, "I ruined my life by accepting these meds, I should've never taken them, I've made my life worse" even though that's a huge exaggeration.

I would also like to add that it's been hard for me to integrate lifestyle changes that would potentially help with my health conditions. For example, I know exercise helps, everyone says that, and it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I complete exercise goals, but because of my mental health I will struggle to go on walks, and then sitting indoors all day makes me overly vigilant of physical symptoms, and it's just this annoying cycle where mental and physical health symptoms feed off each other. I also have a very hard time sticking to habits like meditation even though meditation benefits me a lot too and also makes me feel accomplished when I'm able to stick to it. Also, I have gone through times when self-care has been really hard for me thanks to factors like university, work, family issues, and other things making my life unstable.

Lately, I am going through an unstable past few days full of high stress because of family stuff, even though I felt like I was doing better this month, and not having as many physical symptoms until recently. So now that I've been getting physical symptoms again and taking the meds that address the symptoms, I sort of view it as a setback (even after going for the beginning of the month without experiencing the symptoms or taking meds, and felt like I'd been making some progress in regards to coping).

Like I said before, I can't stop thinking that I've ruined everything or that I'm wrecking my health and other extremely catastrophic thoughts. It gets so bad to the point where I'll genuinely spend all day fixated on these thoughts, I give myself anxiety attacks that last for hours, I struggle with sleeping at night every night, I panic that people around me will shame me for taking meds, and I feel kind of sad that I can't be someone "normal" without these health conditions. Plus, I put a lot of blame on myself due to what I said before about mental health making physical health worse, and vice versa. It's a nightmare, it feels like hell, it's just horrible and I feel hopeless. No one around me understands what I'm going through and I just really need some help with breaking out of this loop. Like I said, I am planning on maybe working on this with a doctor but it will be a while until I can see him again, plus I want some suggestions for stuff I can do on my own too. Can you give me some coping advice and reassurance? Thank you.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been dealing with. It sounds incredibly exhausting to constantly worry about your health, and feel like no one takes your concerns nearly as seriously as you feel they should. It sounds like there are multiple facets that contribute to your distressing thoughts.

Some people who experience health anxiety to this degree may be dealing with Health OCD, which can look like a vicious cycle of thoughts concerning your health, seeking medical treatment, and leaving unsatisfied. People who experience this may ask themselves questions like, "What if I am ill but no one can figure it out because there isn’t a name for it?" or "How do I know that I am not developing an illness that has not been detected?" Compulsions can look like getting multiple opinions both professional and not, excessively checking your body, or catastrophizing google results. While this is not a diagnosis of any kind, if this is something that resonates with you, it might be worth discussing with a professional who can accurately assess whether or not this applies to you.

As someone with OCD and intrusive thoughts, something that helps me is to try and reframe my thoughts. So if I get a thought that worries about my health or safety in some way, I remind myself that, while dysfunctional, this is a way that my brain is looking out for me and wants to make sure I am healthy and/or safe, and then I continue with whatever I was doing. This can be easier said than done and takes practice. Self care can also be incredibly useful, whether that's treating yourself or doing something you enjoy.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can work with you to explore these concerns and come up with some healthy coping strategies tailored to your needs and experiences.

Life itself is a risk and to ruminate about risks is to miss life. If anyone has any additional comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun