#or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning

[ef-1]

legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23

[bookishofalder]

Night Changes [One]

Night Changes Series Masterlist

Summary: It may have been years since Poe and the reader have seen one another, but that doesn’t make the emotional upheaval any easier to navigate for either of them.

Warnings: Fuck ton of angst, language, a lot of feelings, mentions of death and loss, grief. WC-5,780 (Jesus buckle up I guess!)

Poe was dreaming.

Nothing particularly special, but it was a dream nonetheless, a break from the usual nightmares that tended to invade his sleeping mind night after night when all he wanted was to succumb to the darkness for a few hours. The dream was more of a memory, a replaying of a night back on Yavin-4 so many years ago before he and Charlie had gone to flight school.

A night like every other, yet the humid evenings on Yavin 4 always did seem to hold a little mystery, like a warm blanket that wrapped one in a false sense of security; he could do anything. And on that evening, he had snuck some of his father’s good whiskey, the stuff from a planet far, far away, and gone to knock on Charlie’s window in the cover of darkness. It wasn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence, though the whiskey was a new addition.

Charlie had answered immediately, a big grin stretching across his face even before he saw what Poe had brought, the relief in that grin piquing his curiosity-why did he seem grateful that Poe was there? When he climbed through the window, he found you were already there, sat on the floor across the small bedroom with your back against the end of Charlie’s bed, your face wet with tears and he understood your brothers reaction.

Before Poe could ask what was wrong, Charlie noticed the bottle in Poe’s hands and tapped it excitedly, “Just what we needed! How do you do it, brother?” His voice was always so loud, but in the Horn household it wasn’t an issue. Your mother was asleep on the other side of the house and even if she did wake, she wouldn’t come in and begrudge a little teen rebellion. Poe really liked her for that, for trusting them, for never making him feel unwelcome.

“Didn’t realize it would come in so handy. What's going on, sweetheart?” The affectionate nickname had been around for years, so long now that he hardly noticed himself using it. He liked the way it tugged the corners of your lips up, even when you were sad. But he didn’t like that you were sad right now, his concern only growing when you pulled your knees to your chest and dropped your head to them, hiding your face and, no doubt, a fresh wave of tears.

You had always hated crying in front of them, for some reason. Charlie never cried, but Poe had no issues with sobbing outright in front of you both. He didn’t understand why you felt you had to hide it from him.

Without speaking, Charlie and Poe sat down on either side of you, your brother taking the whiskey and opening it, taking a small swig and huffing through the smoky burn.“Kid, you tell him.” He used that extra soft voice reserved only for you, his free hand reaching over to pat your foot on the ground next to him.

Poe had his shoulder pressed against yours. He knew you enjoyed how warm he always was, that you thought of him as your personal furnace, cuddling him even on warm days like this because you seemed to forever run a little chilly, or maybe you were just a touchy person and you were that comfortable with Poe.

After a few moments of quiet sniffling, you finally raised your head, setting your chin on your knees and staring straight ahead. “Gus ended things earlier.” You whispered into the moonlit room, your voice wavering somewhat with emotion, though Poe could sense it was more of embarrassment and disappointment of being dumped than that of actual heartbreak.

Poe felt an odd mixture of both anger and relief sweep through him, the latter of which he resolutely shoved away, into the far reaches of his mind to be stubbornly ignored. “That kriffing asshole! Who does he think he is, dumping our girl?” And truly, what the fuck audacity did that guy have? Did he not have eyes? Did he not spend just five minutes with you and feel like he was sitting in the company of a Sun, so bright and warm as you were?

You gave a watery laugh at his words, and Poe felt warmth pool in his chest; he was always good at making you laugh. He saw Charlie’s shoulders sag somewhat with relief upon hearing you, always so protective and yet he had difficulty reigning in some of your big emotions, often looking to Poe for his help.

“He said it was because I’m a prude. Because I wouldn’t, you know,” You broke off, and Poe glanced down at you to see you bite your lip briefly, eyes still forward, “He said there was no point going on dates if I wouldn’t even give him the chance to, and I quote, ‘appreciate your tits properly, at the least.’”

Poe turned to face you fully now, his eyes meeting Charlies over your head. His friend looked just as annoyed as Poe felt, hearing what that skinny piece of shit had dared to say to you. A silent agreement crossed between them then, Gus would be meeting their fists come morning. For now, though, Poe focused on you, tossing an arm around your shoulders and pressing a kiss to your hair, “He’s a prize fucking idiot, sweetheart, doesn’t know what he’s losing. Right, Charlie?”

“Exactly. Remember kid, no guy is ever going to deserve you because you are perfect. You don’t need to cry over someone who can’t see how lucky he is you even let him breathe the same air as you,” Charlie added his arm to your shoulders, curving under Poe’s, “Flyboy and I will take care of you, always.” He promised, and you nodded before reaching both hands up to grab each of theirs on your shoulders.

“Thank you.”

And Poe stayed the night, each of you taking turns to sip the whiskey until eventually sleep won out and Charlie crashed on his bed. You and Poe curled up on some pillows on the floor together, your head resting on his chest and even though he knew you were sad, which made him sad too, he couldn’t help but feel truly whole in those moments before sleep took over.

It was a good memory, one which he would have been content to remain in until the abrupt and incessant whirring and beeping of his droid woke him, Poe shooting up in his bed with a shout of surprise. “What? Are we being attacked?”

BB8 came to a stop near the edge of his bed, his noises growing quieter now that he’d woken Poe up.

“Buddy, it’s my day off. You better have a good reason for scaring the living hell out of me-“

The droid beeped again, clarifying his reason for interrupting his rest day. Interest piqued, Poe ran a hand over his face before planting his feet on the floor and leaning towards the droid.

“The new replacement is here? Guess that means the General wants me to come and meet them?”

BB8 confirmed, and now his alarming wake-up made more sense. The droid was as excited as Poe to meet his new second in command. He’d just lost his long-time friend, Jess Pava, to a new unit on an outpost for the Resistance. He’d recommended her for it, at her bequest, because he knew she’d be damn good for the role. But it didn’t make the loss any less disruptive; she’d been gone a few weeks now and he’d had to take on extra duties to compensate.

General Organa had profusely apologized to him a few times now, only explaining that the replacement was due back from a classified mission ‘soon’, and once they were they would be coming straight to D’Qar to join his squadron. He didn’t mind the work, but he was a little miffed that the day the new Major arrived was his only day off.

Poe quickly got himself ready for the day, taking a speedy shower in his fresher before pulling on his khaki’s and button up. Once pleased with his appearance, he stepped out of the fresher and walked toward his small desk area, above which he had a corkboard with a few mementos pinned up, including his favourite picture.

You were standing in the middle, sandwiched between him and Charlie, a big, goofy grin on your face. Charlie was laughing in the photo, and Poe was looking down at you with a fond smile. You all wore flight suits, as it was taking when you had first joined Gold Squadron. Charlie had his arm flung over your shoulders while Poe’s was snaked around your waist. You had your arms wrapped around each of their waists, though Poe remembers how your hand had brushed up his back before the picture was taken, fingers unknowingly leaving a trail of heat in their wake.

He looked at this photo every morning, tapped it once and then carried on with his day. It was the only time he allowed his conscious mind to think of Charlie, of you, and the life he lost in the blink of an eye.

When the door to his quarters opened, Poe saw a few service droids unloading a couple of crates into the room directly across from his. The room where the new member of his team would live. He could see within the unit as the door was open for the droids to carry items in, a few cases already inside the otherwise bare space.

Being careful to step around the droids and avoid falling over his own, who was wheeling excitedly along next to Poe, he made his way to command, hoping the introductions wouldn’t take too long. He had woken up with a big appetite.

And he really needed his morning caf.

“Ready to meet them, buddy?” He asked of his droid, and BB8 gave a happy little ‘weeee’ as he zoomed along beside Poe. He laughed loudly and BB8 pulled ahead, the doors of the command room opening at their approach.

Poe could see into the room now, activity within quiet enough that General Organa and the new arrival both heard his laughter and turned as he walked into the room. For a few beats, Poe kept walking, his mind not processing what he was seeing because it simply could not be. And then he froze, mid-stride.

It was you.

And from the patch on your uniform, it was now Major Horn.

And just like that, every emotion, every feeling of guilt and self-hatred and heartbreak came roaring to the surface, breaking through the walls he’d so carefully built up around what he’d done when he lost Charlie, when he’d lost you, walls he spent the last few years reinforcing as best he could.

Leia knew of the history, though she didn’t know any details of why neither of you had spoken since that terrible fucking night. She simply knew you’d all grown up together, which was probably why she hadn’t felt the need to warn Poe that it was you coming to take over as his second in command. Maybe she thought you had kept in touch and were expecting her.

Stars, Poe hadn’t seen you in person since the funeral. The night he ruined the best thing he had in his life because he couldn’t deal with his grief and took it all out on you, of all people. Poe thought of Charlie then because your brother and you looked a bit alike, but it was your eyes; you each had the exact same eyes. Though yours were lined with thick, long lashes that would sometimes tickle Poe’s cheeks when you would lean in and press a chaste kiss to them.

It had only been a few years, but so much about you had changed. Gone was the goofy girl with braids falling past her shoulders, her big smile that stretched from ear to ear. No, now Poe was looking at you and you were all grown up, wearing your uniform, hair pulled back into a low bun that was woven with intricate braids, a few wisps framing your face. You had leaned out slightly, though you still had your curves, the ones that had boy after boy falling for you back in the day-no doubt now it was man after man. He found his eyes flicking from your face to your hands, but he saw no ring. Not that he should even be thinking of whether you were single or not.

But somehow, it felt like he should know if you were with someone. Because Charlie would have expected Poe to always keep an eye on you, be there for you. The only person he let down more than Charlie was you. He knew his best friend would murder him if he knew the things Poe had said to you that night. He had never known a greater regret, a regret that he carried with him since the moment he spoke and watched your face contort in pain, as though he’d hit you with a physical blow.

He had wanted to apologize, to take it all back that very moment. He couldn’t believe himself, but you’d pull away to be sick and he was so shocked at how much he’d managed to hurt you that he couldn’t do anything other than listen to you when you ordered him to get away from you.

The irony of that wasn’t lost on him, either.

He’d walked straight to the hangar where his x-wing was parked and took it out, finding a secluded spot a few hours away to camp for two days, just to clear his head. He cried and grieved and then he realized just how badly he’d fucked up and he panicked. He started to plan how he would apologize, what he would do to earn your forgiveness and then tell you how he truly felt. But he failed you, hurt you, and he knew he had a lot of work ahead to repair what he’d broken.

Only, when he came back to base and sought you out, he instead found Jess and Tommy waiting for him by your room, their faces so grim his heart had stopped in his chest, and he’s not sure it ever restarted once he found out you’d left. Without a word or a note, you had just...deserted him.

And he knew he deserved it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Nor did finding out that you’d been clever enough to have your new assignment sealed, eliminating any chance he could have had of going after you.

And he would have. He’d have flown across the galaxy to find you.

Instead, Poe was alone and never, ever forgave himself for being the reason you had fled in the first place.

Eventually, Poe grew enough in rank that he was able to access your private files. He only did so now and again, just to check-in and make sure you were still alive and on active duty. The last time he’d checked had been about five months ago, and it had stated you were on a classified mission that even he couldn’t access the details of. But he knew you were alive and doing well enough that you were getting assigned seriously high-class missions. Charlie would have been so proud of you.

It was a few awkward moments before Poe was able to function, quickly shaking off his shock and continuing forward, his eyes tearing away from your too-blank expression to meet the warm gaze of General Organa. “Commander Dameron, I believe you know Major Horn here. Thank you for coming to greet her with me this morning.” Leia smiled between him and you, and Poe had to swallow before returning it, breaking out his usual grin.

When he looked back at you, he found your blank expression had now morphed into one of utter contempt. An insane part of him wanted to laugh, because how could (y/n) Horn, his best friend since he was a boy, the girl who had owned his heart, ever look at him like that?

Instead, Poe forced a friendly smile, nodding to you politely, “Welcome, Major. It’s...it’s good to see you. And congratulations on your promotion. I’m happy to have you join our team.” He stuck his hand out and hoped you would grasp it.

Your eyes, so much more intense than he ever remembered, searched his face for a second before you took his proffered hand and shook, a small smile appearing on your lips.

“It’s an honour to be here, Commander.” You replied, and Poe had to blink, pulling his hand way almost too quickly. Stars, you even sounded more grown-up. Your voice had always been a little breathy, which Poe had always found alluring. But now it had matured, the breathless way you spoke now demure, feminine.  

“I was just telling Major Horn that after you two had met the day was open,” Leia said, seemingly unaware of the tension between her two best pilots, “I know you earned this day off, Commander, so enjoy it!”

Poe couldn’t help but give her a wide grin, “Thank you, General.”  

“Yes, thank you for taking the time to...reunite us, General.” You said, excusing yourself before abruptly walking past Poe and out of command.

He rushed after you, BB8 still at his side, now beeping in confusion at what the hell was going on. Poe ignored the droid, catching up to you just down the hall. “Wait...(y/n)...”

He trailed off, unsure of what he could even say to you, questioning why he’d stopped your departure. You ceased walking and turned to look at Poe, your expression now openly hostile, which he knew he deserved yet it still stung. He opened and closed his mouth a few times as he stood before you, a huge part of him wishing you’d start yelling at him. Or hitting him.

Instead, you gazed up at Poe and after a moment your face fell, a storm of emotions rolling across your pretty features. You took a careful, measured step back from him, as if afraid he might try and reach out to you. “I didn’t know I was coming here to be on your team,” You didn’t meet his eyes when you spoke, instead focusing on the droid at his feet, “But this is a big opportunity for me, so we’ll make it work.”

You sounded more like you were trying to convince yourself rather than Poe, but he nodded all the same. “Of course. And you deserve it.”

You scoffed, “Thanks so much, Commander.”

“I’ve missed you.”

He didn’t know what possessed him to say that. It was just that one moment you were biting your lip, and then the next you were giving him a familiar look of incredulity that he remembered receiving more than once growing up and he suddenly needed you to hear that he did miss you. Missed you more than you could ever really know.

Poe saw a flash in your eyes before you spun on your heels and marched away, not looking back. He didn’t try to follow you again. He knew there wasn’t a whole lot he could say, not right now when you were both still reeling from the shock of seeing one another again.

And what could he even say to you? Sorry for taking our friendship and smashing it to pieces at the worst possible time? For never speaking to you again because I was too cowardly to try and find you, especially once I realized how deeply I felt for you? And how could he explain how those feelings seemed to develop over such a long time that he didn’t recognize them for what they truly were until you were gone?

Charlie would have hated what had happened between you both. He would have killed Poe, easily, but he’d had also been disappointed in you. Charlie had protected you both that day because you and Poe were his family, and if he found out that his family never spoke again after the funeral? He’d have been livid.

Guilt and regret now at the forefront of his mind, Poe had lost his appetite. Instead, he found the nearest caf machine before hurrying to the flight deck and climbing in his x-wing eager to get off the ground and clear his head for a few hours.

He spent the rest of the morning thinking about Charlie, his heart tight in his chest.

✨

“I’ve missed you.”

You could hit him, you really could. No one was around, either, you might get away with it. But that would be too easy and not nearly as satisfying as you might hope, you knew.

The audacity of Poe fucking Dameron saying he missed you was so infuriating, you briefly considered violence. But you had grown up with him, knew the way he worked even if it had been a few years. You could hate him and still understand him, which meant that he wanted you to give him a strong reaction that he could confront head-on. Scream and punch and cry and he would instantly work to comfort, to apologize, but it was really just a way to make himself feel better.

You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

You spun away-not before seeing the pained expression cross his face-and hurried off. You figured if you still had such a decent read on him, the same went for Poe. He’d always been able to read you, your body language, expressions, hell Charlie usually went to Poe for help when he couldn’t figure out how to support you, comfort you.

You needed some time alone, time to process and figure out the best way to make this work.

When you were invited by the General herself to come to D’Qar, to work under her ‘top pilot and most trusted Commander’, you hadn't blinked before saying yes. And you’d known that it would mean, inevitably, seeing Poe again-you knew he still worked here. But you’d had no idea until he walked into command that morning that it was his team you were joining.

When you’d been standing with General Organa in the control room, chatting amicably about the weather, the very last thing you’d expected to hear was his booming, rich laugh. And then the doors had opened, a small droid whizzing in, and his laughter continued as he stepped into the room. You had thought you might pass out, throw up, or start screaming.  

With no idea what he was doing there, you had simply stared at him, watched as he reacted to seeing you. Actively working to keep your expression blank, you stared at your once best friend for the first time in years, going numb inside.

In some ways it had been almost comical; he’d frozen mid-step and gaped at you stupidly for a few beats before coming to his senses and continuing forward. And it was at that moment you had realized he was the superior you were meeting. He was the Commander you’d be working under. When he stood directly in front of you, your mind betrayed you by immediately zoning in on one specific thought.

But stars, he’d aged well.

When he finally was able to collect himself enough to wipe the surprise off of his face, it had settled into that easy smile you remembered so well. The one you tried to never think of because of the pain that would build in your chest, the memories and feelings that you had refused to look back on for a very long time now at risk of bursting through your mental walls if you weren’t careful.

Now, that smile revealed a slight crinkling around his eyes, though he hadn’t changed much beyond that. He was just as broad and lean as you remembered, just as handsome and you thought he might be a little more built up, a new layer of muscle moving under his button-up. Charlie would have loved to tease him over the grey flecks you could barely discern in his raven locks, and you suddenly wondered if your brother would have had any grey hair himself.

Those thoughts were fleeting at that moment before fury and sadness and longing were suddenly overtaking you and it was all you could do to remain composed in front of the General when, for the first time in years, you wanted to crumble to the ground. That fucking grin of his, it was always maddening, always so attractive and disarming.

When you were kids, he’d do it to get away with something and even though your parents knew he’d done it, it would work and he’d barely get a slap on the wrist. As teenagers, the strongest memory you had of that grin was one time when he’d climbed into Charlie’s room late at night and your brother wasn’t there-he’d fallen asleep on the couch-so Poe wandered to your room.

You had just gotten out of the fresher, having taken a quick rinse off to cool down, and hadn’t shut the door. Your bedroom door was closed and it was the middle of the night; you hadn’t expected any company. And then Poe just sauntered in, his eyes on your bed where he doubtless thought he’d find you. You had barely had time to freeze, completely naked and mid-stride as you sought a clean nightgown when he seemed to sense you. His head had jerked in your direction in surprise.

That memory forever burned into your mind. The way his eyes had fallen, then snapped up to your face and instead of seeing amusement or a pervy smirk, Poe had slapped his hands over his eyes, cursed, apologized vehemently in a loud whisper, and then he grinned. That grin, just as powerful even though his eyes were covered. It spread across his face and you couldn’t help but laugh despite your embarrassment, quickly throwing on a nightgown before walking over and punching him in the sides a few times, hissing didn’t he know how to knock?

And though you worried it might affect things between you and your best friend, it never did seem to. For you, it did in some ways because you couldn’t seem to get the look on his face (the one that slipped out just before he could properly react and compose himself) out of your head and you wondered what it meant-if anything. He still stayed the night, climbing into your bed, his arms casually behind his head as he laid next to you and told you about his day while never once teasing you.

At one point, when sleep was close, eyes drooping and your cheek resting against his arm, Poe’s soft voice had pulled you from unconsciousness. Barely a whisper, he said, “I really am sorry I came in without knocking, sweetheart. Please forgive me.”

And he’d sounded so concerned, so genuinely stressed that you would be mad at him, you had snuggled closer into his side and murmured your reassurances until eventually, you fell asleep.

Today, however, it was only memories of what that smile used to mean to you and anger for what it was now. That he got to keep that easy fucking grin all these years, it only pissed you off. The logical part of you knew he had been just as surprised to see you and was no doubt struggling himself now, but you didn’t have room to care.

He had been the one to break you, to take your friendship and pulverize it by saying the worst possible things to you.

He had broken you.

That fight hadn’t just been the loss of what you had thought was the greatest friendship in the galaxy. It had been the final moment that took your life from carefree and fun to what it was now, what it had been since. Joyless, lacking, lonely-so fucking lonely.

That had been the night you had to grow up, realizing that not only was Charlie gone, but the life you’d had was too. Gone were the days of adventure, of going on test flights and racing one another, of Poe getting you drinks at the cantina and Charlie sitting with his arm slung casually over your shoulders, until any of you spotted someone who caught your interest. Someone who would only be around for the night but would bring a little pleasure and escape. Charlie was more often the one to go home with such a person, happy to play the field and often making new friends you’d see again, even though he never exclusively dated them.

And the little flare of excitement you’d get each time it was just you and Poe? That had been carefree too because whatever it meant didn’t need to be examined, it just was. Casual touches that lingered and sent heat up your spine, easy and flowing conversation, long hugs even when you’d see each other the next day. All of that had been such a prominent fixture in your life, the slow escalation between you and Poe was something that, to this day, you never tried to understand.

But then Charlie died; everything changed, and you left and never looked back. All the while, Poe Dameron kept grinning like that. Fuck, fuck!

You almost walked straight past your new room, so lost in your thoughts and memories, but thankfully a passing droid greeting you politely pulled to the moment, and you only had to retrace a few steps back. Immense relief washed over you the moment you saw that all of your items had been delivered and unpacked, only a box of mementos and photos left on your desk for you to find new homes for.

Even the bed had been made already. And as much as you wanted to just climb under the covers and shut the world away, you instead set yourself to the task of putting the final touches on your space.

The room was silent save for your occasional gasps and hiccups as you let your emotions run free in the privacy. You proudly displayed the plaque you had been given from the Resistance following Charlie’s funeral; a handsome photo of him in uniform set in the middle, his name inscribed along with his rank, years of life and final resting place on Yavin-4. His flight suit patch was attached to the plaque above the photo, the final touch to a beautiful little tribute to Charlie that you could take with you wherever in the galaxy you went.

The final item you pulled out was a small protective album for photos you displayed in your room. You pulled out the photos, ones of you and Charlie as kids, of your parents, of the whole family plus Poe during one hilariously disastrous little vacation that resulted in all of you returning home and ignoring one another for three days, even Poe. A few from your teen years, early and late, Poe and Charlie usually taking up the most space in the photos between their sizes and huge smiles, and the final photo you had was your absolute favourite.

Smushed between Charlie and Poe, you had a smile on your face that hadn’t been seen in years. It was silly, girlish and youthful and not the person you were anymore. You were looking at the camera, Charlie with his big arm over the top of your shoulders, laughing as he looked toward the camera as well. Poe was looking at you. Giving you a warm smile that you always suspected he only shared with you, one that melted his eyes to pools of warm honey and made your insides wriggle. You remember how his hand burned where he gripped your waist, and you had instinctively traced your hand up his spine in the moment, though you never understood why.  

That photo both broke your heart and made you smile every time you looked at it. The last photo of the three of you together, the three of you happy. A photo that not only showed your love for one another but also hinted at that feeling you never did examine. A photo that revealed that feeling might not have been one-sided, not at all.

When you finished your tidying, you took a seat at your desk and used your data pad to pull up your schedule, curious what the days ahead would look like. Right away you could see no missions in the queue, though that could change in an instant. And as eager as you were to get flying, you knew it would probably be best to spend the next couple of days trying to establish yourself on base, meet the rest of your team, and figure out how you were going to keep a cool head spending so much time working with Poe.

With a heavy sigh, you glanced at the clock and decided a late lunch was in order, hopeful that the weird hour would leave the caf quiet. Although you knew you’d be recognized you did hope to push that off for as long as possible.  

You needed to swallow back your feelings and face the fact that you weren’t just working directly for General Leia. You were back on D’Qar; a planet that Charlie had spent enough time on, even before you joined Gold Squadron, to make lasting friendships and leave an incredible reputation behind after he’d died. You hadn’t been back since the funeral, so it was inevitable that others would be bringing him up, asking after you, where you had disappeared to, why you’d left without saying goodbye to pretty much everyone.

You needed to suck it up because you had a job to do and your work for the Resistance was the only thing anymore that made your life worthwhile. No family, no close friends, no partners, just fighting the fight and being the best damn pilot you could be.

You wondered if Charlie would be proud of you. Of how far you’d come, of the fact that you were now the same rank as he had been before his death. But after seeing Poe today you knew that wouldn’t have entirely been the case, not with how things all ended up.

So, you reasoned with yourself, that meant that you had to work extra hard here on D’Qar to push aside the history between you and your Commander. And actually, indifference and coldness were probably going to be your best assets going forward.

At least you had a game plan.

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[bedtimebrain]

EXO Baekhyun: Cry for Love Part 1

Boldly writing this very unlikely scenario about baek. Part of me just feels like there might be a part of baek that might be in such a situation if he ever feels so deeply for someone that is not be able to handle the stress of dating an idol.

Using the song title of one of my favourite songs from his latest album for this~ there’s going to be 2 parts(hopefully not 3), and just a disclaimer the ending might not be fluff, so don’t get started if you’re not prepared !

Edit: Part 2 is up! (No part 3 tho, thankfull)

Part 2

Characters: Baek x You

Baekhyun finds himself falling for you, but feels he cannot be so selfish to put the burdens of dating an idol upon you. In an attempt to control his feelings, he tries to stay away from you

Standing across the narrow road opposite to Wendy Cafe, Baekhyun looked intently inside, with a sort of sourness at the back of his throat. This is at least 5th time this guy has been here, and it’s been the second time this week already. His inner self was literally scowling at that thought, but what could he do?

His phone that vibrated in his pocket called him out of his thoughts. It was a call from his manager, asking him to return to the SM building.

Taking one last look at you, at the guy, and at the cafe, he placed both his hands back in his pocket, head facing down and walked back to where his car was.

During the ride back, he thought long and hard, was this the right thing to do?  Just 4 months ago, was the first step into the cafe the beginning to this unwanted path ?

He can’t help but replay once again all that started 4 months ago...

——

‘Bye! See you next week!’

Ending his gym session for the week, baekhyun headed for the carpark, eager to get there quickly. Today, he was to be home for a family dinner.

He had been up till late yesterday, practicing and preparing for EXO’s new album. With just 4hours of sleep, his ruined body clock woke him up in time for a gym session in the afternoon. Beating himself to be disciplined so that he can show his best image to Eris during the comeback, he got himself to the gym. 

But now, the sweat from the gym session coupled with his sleep debt, was making him feel extra sleepy.

Needing some caffeine in his system, he stopped his car by the roadside to search up coffee houses nearby. Scrolling through, Starbucks -too crowded , dal.kom- he was not a fan , Daebak Coffee and Tea - seems very popular among reviews, Wendy Cafe - no reviews.

Feeling it’s best to avoid crowded cafes on a Friday afternoon, he decided to give Wendy Cafe a try. Following the voice of Google maps, he found himself along a narrow road, secluded and outcasted from the bustling roads just 2 minutes ago.

‘Am I at the right place? Why would someone open a cafe here?’ He loudly spoke in a typical monologue with himself

Just as he was about to give up, a small signboard peeked out from the brick wall stretching along the road.

‘Ah yes, found you! I hope I didn’t make the wrong choice’

After parking his car, he crossed the road to the cafe.

Wendy’s Cafe was clad in wood and white, wooden tables, white chairs, surrounded by grey walls. It was so small only about 6 people could be seated by the tables. To make up for it, a counter-side table was made available and soft music played in the background. Walking in, Baekhyun felt a comfortable sense of peace and relax.

‘Hello, 1 Ice Americano please’

‘Hello, that will be $5.. omo’ Just as you looked up at him, you were shocked to recognise him as Baekhyun from EXO. But you quickly recovered in time, taking the money from him and continued your chores.

Seeing that you have recognised him, he nodded politely. He appreciated your politeness and professionalism to not overreact. And proceed to wait patiently for his coffee.

‘Thank you, have a nice day’ you smiled brightly at him and handed the coffee over.

Just then, it started pouring heavily outside, stopping Baekhyun in his tracks.

‘Should I drive back now ? It’s a long journey back and it’s raining so heavily ...’ he thought

‘Do you want to wait out the rain instead? It’s not too safe to drive in such heavy rain. No one comes here on rainy days, I can put out the close sign for you if you like’ 

You asked rather sincerely 

Looking out again at the rain, he weighed his choices. He was going to be drenched if he crossed the road but what if you were one of those fans that would expose where he was to everyone? 

He was feeling a little suspicious inside, afterall why would you close the shop to business just for him?

‘You can take the table furthest away from the window if you’re worried’

He looked at you, judging a book by it’s cover. And decided it doesn’t appear like you would turn out to be one of those crazy fans and took the option of waiting out the rain. 

His phone was running out of battery, so instead of sitting by the corner table all bored and lonely, Baekhyun sat on the bar counter table instead; facing you and the other male employee who were busy with fresh bakes.

You presented a bite size muffin on a white plate and gave it over to him. ‘It’s on the house, we’re not going to have any more customers anyway’

Being curious since the start, he asked ‘why would your boss open a cafe right here? It’s really not the best location to be attracting people right?’

Laughing slightly, you replied

‘My boss? That would be me, and does this cafe look like I want to attract people in? The tables are all for 2s, I’m just encouraging solitude here’

‘You own this place? Wow I would suppose you’re only in your early 20s right? Anyway this place does give a sense of quietness that we dont quite get outside. I like it’ He lively replied

‘Yeah, I just wanted people that come by to be able to stop and find quietness they don’t get anywhere else. Finding time for themselves to be away from noisy city life just a few minutes away’

Not really having anything to say to that deep thought of yours, he simply replied ‘Ahh... I see. Uh, thanks for muffin, it smells tasty’

You smiled politely and left him to himself as you cleaned up the open kitchen.

The rain that was beating the ground outside was almost like a lullaby to Baekhyun. The warmth of the shop and the music aided the rain and drowsy effects he was having, shortly without knowing, he drifted to sleep. --

‘Baekhyun ssi, Baekhyun ssi’ you tapped him lightly till he woke up

‘It stopped raining, do you want to head off’

‘Oh my , can’t believe I slept, but that was certainly the quietness I need, haha. I’ll be leaving. Thank you for the coffee’

As he left, he thought to himself that he will surely be back.

—

A week later, he came back. On that day, he saw from outside that you were casually sitting down by on of the tables, chatting with a middle age office lady.

Opening the door, he caught your attention and you smiled slightly to acknowledge. As you were the only working employee today, you got up from the table to serve him.

‘Hi Baekhyun ssi, I see you’re back. Ice americano for you? Or would you like to try something else? Wendy’s special for a bright sunny day’

‘Sure I’ll go for the Wendy’s special’

Handing over the coffee to baekhyun, you asked

‘I heard EXO’s preparing for a comeback. How’s it going for you?’

‘Did you search up on EXO after you saw me last week? Hahaha. Anyway it’s fine, it’s just the discipline in diet, exercise and health that’s annoying’

‘I see. And nah, don’t make me sound like a stalker fan please. I just moderately keep up with kpop in general’

‘Anyway is the middle age lady there your friend? Or do you just chat with your customers all the time?’

‘Oh, she’s just a customer. Really depends though, some people come here seeming to have heavy thoughts, sometimes when I notice I’ll just casually chat with them. Some others are here really putting up a do not disturb sign. Those I wouldn’t bother’

Being cheeky, Baekhyun asked ‘what about me?’

You thought for a while before answering

‘Like a cat? Like those I would give some affection to before letting them run off so they don’t start scratching me. I mean not saying you would be aggressive, but rather, I’m sure a good balance of chat and quietness would be best for you’

Raising his brows and thinking through what you just said, he smiled after a while and went on sipping his Wendy’s special by the counter again. Occasionally, he would look up from his phone to chat with you.

—-

For that 1 month, it seems like he started developing a routine to drop by your cafe for short breaks. He enjoyed your company and somehow your cafe seemed like a place of comfort and refuge. With you, he could talk about anything, from the laughters to the deep insides. Over there, the burdens of being an idol is always momentarily lifted.

On the first week of the 2nd month you guys met. He dropped by again, only to find that the lights were off. A little surprised, he went up to the door which pasted a notice

‘the shop will be closed till further notice due to the owner’s personal reasons. Sorry for any inconvenience caused’

His regular high spirits whenever he came by was dampened as he read the notice. Turning back, he headed off.

The next two weeks, he drove by repeatedly, at least 2 times a week, but your shop was still closed.

It made him a little worried, did something happen to you? But seeing how you left this shop behind with just a notice also made him feel a little down, strangely. It made him think that was he nothing but just a customer to you? He had thought you guys were friends, friends with a special bond, one who he could tell everything to, and place so comfortable almost like his home sofa. But the sign that hung coolly by the cafe’s door left no sign of that friendship held.

Whenever he wasn’t working or was by himself, he pondered over what happened to you. Looking at his phone, he suddenly felt a disconnect. You both knew so many things bout each other but not each other’s numbers. There was nothing to call to reach you. Wherever you are, were you thinking about what you left behind?

He thought to himself 

let’s not be too invested into this coincidental friendship

He made up his mind, tomorrow he was going to make a final intentional trip down. If you were still closed, he told himself he would never drop by intentionally again just to check if you were open.

—-

Driving by the next day, his heart was beating fast. And was as if the heavens heard his words, the lights of your cafe were on.

The sign outside still hung closed, but he walked briskly over and stood by the door. You saw him and beckoned him inside.

‘Hey! What’s up with you? Where did you go? ’ Within him he heaved a sigh of relief, finally seeing you again. But his heart wouldn’t stop racing as he waited for your answer. Looking at your face, he can’t help but notice you’ve lost some weight, making him a little worried.

‘Hey Baekhyun ssi, it’s nice seeing you again’

You smiled at him your normal smile and there was no hint of anything extra apart from the normal customer service you gave him. Your lukewarm reply bothered him a little, was he the only one who considered you both as friends? That thought came but left quickly

‘I went home to visit my parents, unfortunately I fell ill. Pneumonia.. Got me in bed for a really long time’

‘Oh no, no wonder you lost some weight? I hope you’re feeling much better already. But you’re not opened today?’

‘Yes I just came back to tidy up this place.’

Not really wanting to leave yet, he offered to clean the place for you, also worried you might not be feeling the most recovered yet.

‘Do you want to have dinner together tonight?’ Baekhyun asked on impulse.

You looked up, a little surprise, but didn’t reject it. 

‘Probably not at restaurants or something though. Delivery , do you mind?’ He added

You were never someone who seemed bothered about such trivial things, as expected you agreed.

Over dinner Baekhyun was his chirpy self again, telling you about all he wanted to say the few weeks you guys didn’t met. You listened to him without much words, only saying words when it mattered, as usual.

As you guys were eating and chatting, there came a point where a comfortable silence settled between you both.

Till you broke it

‘Baekhyun ssi, can I share something with you?’

Though he wasn’t expecting this, he was ready to listen.

‘Go ahead’

‘When I went back, I found out my one and only best friend had died in a car accident. And no one told me because they were afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it alone in Seoul. He.. was all I had.. when I was bullied because people thought I was weird... when I didn’t fit in... he.. he..’ you couldn’t continue as you burst into uncontrollable tears.

Handling such situations was definitely not something Baekhyun was most comfortable with. Catching him off guard, he internally panicked, Omo, what do I do. What should I say? Deciding the only appropriate thing to do was to pat your back or your head. He reached out and gently comfort you, feeling a little awkward.

After a good 3 minutes you finally calmed down. But still, Baekhyun didn’t exactly know what to say to a crying girl

‘Are you feeling better? Care for some BingBing now? Ice cream cannot solve your problems, but it’s sweet at least ’

You managed a laugh, and Baekhyun went to the kitchen fridge to pull out the ice cream that came with the dinner earlier.

On the drive home, Baekhyun decided that sometimes a friend is the ultimate remedy to sorrow. And as much as you have been there to hear him out, he wanted to pay it back to you too. 

——

But slowly, their comeback preparations were getting more and more hectic. He no longer had the liberty of time to plan what he wanted to do. But today, there was a short 2 hour interval of free time and they were free to do whatever they wanted.

Deciding between whether to crash at dance practice room or to head to your cafe, he decided to do the latter instead. Though he was feeling rather tired, it has been at least 3 weeks since he came by to say hi. He left after telling suho he’ll be back swiftly.

—

Reaching your cafe, he was surprised to see you smiling and laughing so heartily as you were chatting by the counter with a fashionable young man. When you both spoke, you were always giving him polite smiles and laughters, somewhat out of manners? It somehow hurt his pride a little that while he still thought about you when he was away, did you just think of him as a normal customer who would just come and go? It made him feel like his spot in the cafe was easily replaceable.

As he entered, you did not even break away from the conversation you have with the young man. Only until he reached the counter did you look up.

‘Ah! It’s you! It’s been really long! What would you like today ?’

‘6 Iced americanos, thank you’

‘Alright you can take a seat at the corner table first’ handing him his change , you pointed him to the one at the furthest end of the shop.

He came by having the intention to have a short catch up with you, but apart from the exchange of greetings you had pointed him so far away from the counter and busily went off to prepare the amercianos as if he really was just another customer. He laughed a little bitterly and went to sit where you told him to.

When you were done, you brought the coffee to him and dropped to a whisper suddenly.

‘Baekhyun ssi, are you doing well? Sorry I had to cut our conversation short at the counter because of the oppa sitting there. Didn’t want to bring you trouble in case I accidentally say your name’

Smacking himself on the head internally for being so sensitive earlier on, inside of him also wondered what kind of magic does that ‘oppa’ have for you to be so comfortable? The friendship has almost been 3 months but there always seem to be a strange distance between the both of you. Baekhyun knew himself that his personally was not one people found hard to warm up to and neither did he take very long to warm up to others. He was confused, how sometimes your friendship felt so close yet sometimes so far.

‘How have you been? That guy’s your new customer friend?’

‘Not too bad, I started attending some baking classes and in my free time now I just read as usual. Nothing much as changed.

Yeh he’s been coming quite often because he’s back in this area to visit his parents and there’s nothing for him to do’

‘Ahhhh so what kind of customer is he?’ He arrowhead his eyes at him then back to you.

Laughing you replied ‘ just a really funny and nonsensical kind. Kind of just reminds me of my childhood friend I told you about.... oh right, there’s something I want to give you’

Rushing to the kitchen then quickly walking out, you handed him a box. You explained

‘Baekhyun ssi that day I was at a mall and i walked by this tea shop and I dont know why,I thought about you. It’s all without caffeine. I know you’re having your comeback now and you should be really busy. I purposely picked out some that would help you sleep, some that would revitalise you and just some others that could just help you relax.

I’ve kept it for so long but you didn’t come by again. I almost just kept it for myself already.. anyway I’m glad you’re here today so I could pass it to you’

Hearing this from you really made him touched on the inside, but on the outside he didn’t really know let those emotions show. Instead, he merely said

‘Thanks y/n ssi , for thinking about me. I’ll use them well.’ Looking at his watch , he added,

‘I got to go now, see you sometime soon!’

After saying the goodbyes, Baekhyun returned to his car. Setting his Americanos aside, he held the gift in his hand and looked through his driver’s window at you.

At that very moment he finally came to terms with his feelings.

He did not just want a friendship with you, he wanted you as a partner he could tell his everything to, someone that belonged to him and someone he belonged to.

This should make him feel happy and elated, warm and fuzzy. But there was discomfort lying in his heart.

Deep down he knew that desiring anything more than a friendship with you was putting chains on you.

You liked quietness and freedom. But in his world, parts of his life are made public and his freedom was not really freedom at all.

He cannot sink deeper into this, but could he stay away ? His heart clenched.

He tossed the gift aside and drove off.

—

To be continued!!

Sorry for stopping at such an awkward place, but I couldn’t find a good place to stop this at, hahaha.

Anw, I’m sure you guys already know bout baek’s medical condition? My respect and love for baek just hit another level. I really think we are such lucky fangirls to be stanning someone like him. The effort he puts in for us is above and beyond what is required. Sigh. Baek I hope you know we really appreciate you💛

Tag(s): @wooya1224

Edit: Part 2

[marymccartneyphotos]

Paul Weller in conversation with Mary McCartney: ‘We used to pinch a lot of Beatles songs’

For this Woking-born son of the 1970s, there were four father figures who underpinned everything, from his first guitar to an inspirational career that continues to expand and explore more than 50 years later. On the release of his latest solo record, his third in three years, we asked Paul Weller to pick through the past with an artist who knows better than any how The Beatles shaped the generation that followed. By Dylan Jones; 4 June 2021 from British GQ Magazine

(edited for Mary McCartney content only)

For Weller’s latest GQ appearance, we thought it would be good to put him together with an old friend, the photographer Mary McCartney. Which is what we did...

Mary McCartney: So, Paul, when did you become a Beatles fan? When you were 12?

Paul Weller: When I was five years old. I had some of the singles, because my mother bought them, but the first time I saw them was the Royal Variety Performance in 1963, when I was five. From the time I saw The Beatles I loved music and then when I was around age 12 I started trying to learn to play guitar. Me and my mate had a few lessons for a bit and got a few weeks in, but the guy was trying to teach us how to read music, so we got bored with that. And as soon as we learnt enough chords we stopped the lessons and we just start doing it ourselves.

MM: When did you actually start writing songs?

PW: As soon as we – me and my mate Steve Brookes – learnt the three or four chords. I’m still mates with him now. We started a band and we just learned together and we just kept swapping whatever we’d learned in the week, swapping back and forth. It was just me and him and then we just gathered up people as we could find them. There was never any doubt in my mind that’s what I would do and, even at around 12, I thought that was definitely what I was going to do for a living. Well, I didn’t know it could be a career, I just knew I was going to do music. So by the age of 14 we were playing pubs, working men’s clubs and social clubs with The Jam. But your dad’s band was the catalyst for all of it.

MM: You know, I’m directing a documentary about the history of Abbey Road Studios at the moment, so I’ve been taken back to those times. There is a photograph of me aged three months on one of the sofas in the studio, so I was there before I can remember being there. Whenever I walk in through the doors I still get a funny feeling. But I’m learning a lot about The Beatles’ recording process, though. What was your writing process in the early days?

PW: When we started to write songs we just used to pinch a lot of The Beatles songs. They were very basic, just us taking our first steps as songwriters. I was actually very passionate at the time, but I didn’t have the skills to articulate that passion. That kind of developed. Our first songs would have been nonsense songs, just “My Baby Love Me” stuff... But, like every other fledgling songwriter, I just started off by aping other people, like The Beatles did, like Dylan did. Everyone starts out copying other people.

MM: I assume you recorded your new album during lockdown?

PW: I did. I had about four or five tracks left over from [last year’s] On Sunset and they were just lying around, unused. So I started working away, chipping away, trying to put together a new batch of songs. As ever, I recorded them all in the studio down in Surrey, just me and a guitar singing along to a click track. If I couldn’t record with the band, I’d send the recordings to them and they’d play their parts and then send them back. It was a very odd process, but it worked. However, when we could finally all record again together, it was like the first day of school after the summer holidays. It was great. The writing process was actually the same as it always is, but because I knew I didn’t have any live work for the foreseeable future, we just created all this space. I think the lockdown was actually hugely influential in a way, as all the quiet made me appreciate nature in a way I hadn’t done for quite some time, maybe ever. I could really feel and hear and see nature again, it started to take over. I loved hearing the birds sing and not seeing any aeroplanes in the sky. It helped me think about things I would never normally think about in any situation. I felt more in tune with nature. I had a thought that if we weren’t here, if we all disappeared, which I’m sure we will do one day, the earth would just reclaim itself and that it will always be here and we won’t.

MM: It was such a nice feeling, actually stopping and looking and appreciating, not rushing around. I was lying in bed one night in the middle of London. It was 2am and it was so quiet it felt like we had gone back 100, 200 years. I couldn’t hear the rumble of the underground and it was almost as though cars hadn’t been invented.

PW: How was your lockdown, Mary?

MM: Mine was good, but we’re not here to talk about me. I’m grilling you today. But mine was good. Well, I say it was good, but it was unnerving. I think, on a global scale, it was just unnerving because it was like living in a science fiction movie. I think the main thing a lot of us benefitted from was having to slow down and not being able to just go and do things. So, in that sense, it wasn’t a bad thing. I was obviously worried about people’s health and the economy, but, like you, I really got in touch with nature. I did a lot more photographic work outside. And, of course, I started to prep for the Abbey Road doc. What’s the perfect recording scenario for you?

PW: Well, I love my studio and, to be honest, I’d be quite happy to never come out of the place. I could quite happily stay there forever. I bought the building in 1999, but it’s only really been the past 15 years or so that we’ve really got it together, with the sound and the vibe and the equipment. I’m continually making little acoustic adjustments to the room. We’ve got a drum kit set up all the time, as well as a mic’d piano, so it’s always ready to roll. I can play guitar, obviously, as well as bass and piano, but I’ve never really enjoyed playing the drums, because I can’t sing and drum with any conviction. It’s a different art altogether, playing drums. I like drummers who play the song, who can play the tune and who aren’t trying to do their own thing. That requires a certain amount of discipline, a different discipline: not playing too much but playing the right thing. Your dad is a good drummer.

MM: Yeah, he is. Mum introduced me to a song he played drums on years ago, called “My Dark Hour”, by the Steve Miller Band. He’s credited as “Paul Ramon” and he does backing vocals, guitar, bass and drums. It was recorded in Olympic Studios in London towards the end of 1969, after an argument Dad had had with the others over Allen Klein becoming their manager. The others had gone off and he said Steve Miller walked in and asked if he wanted to play the drums on this track he was recording. I think the drumming on it is so good, but you can tell he’s letting out a lot of tension.

PW: I love that first solo album of your dad’s, the one with you as a baby on the back. That’s probably one of my favourite records. It was lo-fi before lo-fi was even talked about.

MM: I love the rawness of it, as it’s just so personal. I still listen to McCartney and Ram a lot. They shot the album cover up in Scotland. They were horse riding and he zipped me up in his jacket. He put me in the jacket so I was safe, as he was going riding. I love that picture from a photographic point of view as well, as it’s very real. It’s taken at the end of the day, during the golden hour. It’s so natural.

PW: Now, what was it like growing up, then, as a daughter of a Beatle?

MM: Well, it was more like growing up as a daughter of Paul and Linda, because they were such a great couple. But,

also, they were such adventurous people. So, we were kind of following them around and going on lots of adventures. We went on tour with them and we really only stopped when we needed to go to school. So I have lots of memories of travelling as a girl. I even remember going on the double-decker that they used as a tour bus in 1972. The seats on the upper deck were replaced by mattresses and bean bags.

PW: I assume it was your mother’s inspiration that made you want to be a photographer...

MM: I think so, as I think I just always saw her taking pictures. She had such a casual style too. She didn’t do a lot of setting up and neither do I. It’s just so much nicer when you connect with your sitter and when you just casually take pictures. I much prefer that and I certainly know that you don’t like to have your picture taken in a very set-up kind of situation. What really got me into becoming a photographer was looking at Mum’s pictures from the 1960s. They were about her being with someone and taking pictures and very much not “This is Jimi Hendrix”. Again, casual. When I became a photographer, I took Mum’s talent for granted. She would take pictures out the car window and then they became these books or a print on the wall. When I started doing it myself I’d put the camera up and I’d be like, “Dad, can you turn the car around so I can take this picture?” And he’d be like, “No.” She would take pictures so effortlessly and I didn’t realise there was a knack to it. Mum and Dad would treat everyone equally; I do remember that. We were always surrounded by people, so I suppose that’s why I think I am a bit of a people person. I like meeting people and I like connecting with people, but I still find I’m quite shy about it. I find it stressful, but I like it. But I could never in a million years get up on a stage, ever. Even thinking about it makes me feel like fainting. When did you first walk out in front of a big crowd? How does that feel? Is it just feeling that adulation and love and appreciation and then giving that back? Does that feel really healthy? I always think when it works perfectly, it just must be such a healthy feeling.

PW: It’s almost a weird thing, because just prior to going on stage, especially in the hour before, I’m in bits. I’m so nervous and so don’t want to be there and want to go home, and then within minutes of actually being on stage, as soon as that first tune strikes up, I automatically feel as though this is completely where I’m supposed to be. It feels like the most natural, most comfortable, Zen-like place you could possibly be, it’s so weird. I’ve always felt nervous before going on stage. That’s never changed. I mean, it’s got a little bit better as I’ve got older, but not much. I think I need to have that feeling. It was weird, because there was a time when I tried to stop drinking – before I stopped completely – and when I stopped I suddenly wasn’t nervous before going on stage. And I didn’t like it. It felt really odd.

MM: Isn’t there something superstitious about this?

PW: No, I don’t think so. I just think it gives you an edge. Those nerves can make you edgy and I think that’s important for me.

MM: And then did the nerves come back?

PW: When I started drinking again they did.

MM: But now you’re not?

PW: When I finally stopped drinking it took me at least two years to get used to that feeling of going on stage totally sober and straight. And now I love it. But it took a good two years to get comfortable, as it was really odd at first. I’d be on stage and I’d notice so much, like there’s a guy in the front row who’s wearing a green shirt or something, and now I don’t feel that at all. Now it feels natural and I have a greater appreciation of it. That’s the other thing as well, getting more from it and being more conscious of what we’re doing.

MM: Growing up, watching Mum and Dad on stage just felt natural. But I’ve seen you play a few times and it makes me realise how much I couldn’t do it myself. There is such great energy and it’s really entertaining and you look completely natural, but I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable in that position. Also, to me, it feels like your music has to be played live. I went to a concert before lockdown and the person was so vacant and not connected to the audience and, because of that, it made me nervous. You could tell they were going through the motions, that it was an act. They had no connection at all. Whereas when I look at Dad on stage he’s all about connection. I think I had taken it for granted before that, but when you see someone who doesn’t connect, you realise how important it is.

PW: I know some people who turn up just before they go on stage and as soon as they finish they get in the car and they’re off. I don’t understand that either. It’s a far bigger thing than that for me, because I’m looking for that connection. As much as the audience might be, I am as well, and my band too, because I’ve seen it happen with my own eyes and there are some nights where you get so connected together by an audience that this thing just grows and grows. It transcends the moment.

MM: It’s like magic.

PW: It’s something special. The last time I played at the Fillmore in San Francisco, a couple of years ago, it was like that, and it wasn’t because of gear. It was almost like we took off, like the whole room just lifted up.

MM: Have you got a ritual for after the show?

PW: No, not really. No.

MM: My dad has this sandwich and a Margarita, because he doesn’t eat before he goes on. He waits until after.

PW: I have a cup of tea these days. In the past, I would have got off my nut, but I don’t any more. But if you have a gig like that and that becomes your benchmark, you’re always looking to get back to that moment, which is not always possible. But that becomes the thing you’re always searching for, to find that connection. We’re always striving for the spectacular. It’s the same with record companies. Sometimes you have to compromise, but what you really want to do is pursue your own passions. It was more difficult when we first started, because the record company tried to step in more and tried to guide us to do this or that. In the early days of The Jam they even suggested we cover a 10cc song. We said, “No fucking way is that going to happen.” You’ve got to stick to your guns. You’ve got to pursue what you set out to achieve.

MM: Fashion and clothes feel important to what you do, maybe because they make you feel a certain way to be able to perform?

PW: Yeah. But although I was too young to be really involved in the 1960s, I still lived through that time and that whole thing has never gone away for me. I love that period and it informs a lot of what I do, including how I dress. The whole look and sound of that time is just really formative. I don’t feel I’m stuck in that time, but it will always be the cornerstone of everything I do. I just thought it was such a brilliant time for music and fashion and art and all that stuff.

MM: What do you think it is about it? Is it experimentation?

PW: I think so. It was those postwar years, coming out of all that austerity, that bleak black and white, grey world – large parts of the country were still like that in the early 1960s. There were still bombsites. There was still slum housing. So it took a long time for Britain to become modern, but when it did, it was explosive.

MM: Dad describes it as it all suddenly going technicolour.

PW: Yeah, I think that’s true and you just see the clothes and music expanding. Men stopped wearing demob suits and started wearing all these bright-coloured clothes.

MM: And the pill came about and made life a lot easier.

PW: Then the other pills came a little bit later and helped expand everyone’s horizons. These people were pioneers. And also look at the art world – Peter Blake, David Hockney, Bridget Riley. It felt as though everything was becoming more modern and opening up and becoming different and colourful. I was only a very tender age, but, nevertheless, that influence was of great importance and value and always has been. Punk was probably the first time I experienced that freedom. We missed out on the 1960s, had a lift with Bowie, but after that it was largely a cultural wasteland. I was always looking for when I thought it was going to be our term. The 1970s were still very much in the shadow of the 1960s until punk. And then it all blossomed. Then it all started to make sense.

Fat Pop (Volume 1) by Paul Weller is out now.

Producer: Grace Guppy. First assistant: Pedro Faria. Digital technician: Alexander Brunacci. Make-up: Jane Bradley. Retouching: The Hand Of God

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

When you get this, respond with 5 things that make you happy. Then, Send this to the last 10 people in your notifs. You never know who might benefit from spreading positivity✨

^_^ this was a nice ask to wake up to

1. My best friend. They make me laugh so much and cry (happy tears) so much and we have the most fun, slightly bonkers conversations where we finish each others’ sentences at an alarming rate every single time we talk. We can literally talk about ANYTHING together and they’re just…. Like coming home, every time, being with them is being home.

2. Art. Even though I’m slightly driven mad by it I love it and it makes me so happy to mix colours and draw a new world and let other people see the story I want to make. I think poetry falls into this area too since I consider it an art, and it really makes me happy to create poetry and express myself through writing as well.

3. Studying literature. Something in my brain goes off and I fall into a hyper fixated state for hours. Even if I dislike a text at least I have fun pointing out all the rubbish elements about it or that I disagree with.

4. Cheesecake ^_^ especially mocha marble cheesecake

5. Horses. I just adore horses, absolutely mad about them. A few days, maybe a couple of weeks ago actually I woke up crying because I missed riding so much and I missed my favourite horses so much (who unfortunately died, which shattered my heart a little honestly)

I love everything about horses, I love being around them because it’s one of the few times I feel at peace. Like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be and I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Funny how most of these are experiences that all lead back to me feeling at peace, but I think that’s probably the main factor to being happy for me. Experiences that shape me and guide me and give me a way to expression, that’s what makes me happy.

[sybilmarlowe]

Ooh!! A modern headcanon of DoffyxViola in Miami! They're married! Oh and Law stays with them while his god-father Rosci is in the Navy for long months! Have fun with this!

For this HC I’m gonna modify Law’s age a bit, since in the comics he’s just 3 years younger than Viola and it wouldn’t be fun XP so everybody has the same age as in the series except for him who’s 10 yo. 

I also ended up modifying a bit your request (the story takes place in a week and not in months) because I came up with a nice idea and it worked better like this... hope you don’t mind! 

- being the head of a huge company in New York (don't ask me why is it so canon he'd be a manager if he lived in our world XD) may be very stressful and, after a whole month spent working almost without a break, Doflamingo decided to finally take some time for himself... and his wife.

- He’d been married to Viola for 4 months now, but, shortly after their honeymoon, business had increased and it’d become harder and harder for him to spend time with her. 

- She was a very sweet and comprehensive person, but Doffy felt guilty anyways, she deserved much more! 

- That night he went back home with a huge bunch of roses for his wife and a bottle of the finest wine

- “Violet, we have to celebrate!” “What is it, Doffy? Was your business particularly good today?” “Yes, but... what I want to celebrate tonight is the beginning of a very special week. A whole week for just you and me”

- Of course, even the “celebration for the beginning” was quite fun itself, but it was nothing compared to what Doffy had planned for his wife for the following 7 days... - The morning after they were already on a plane to Miami: Doffy had a beautiful attic there, right above the sea, with a stunning view... the perfect place to spend some time with Viola.

- Some very special time just for the two of them, finally, far away from New York, from work and from any kind of bothering...

- ...or maybe not.

- They were just entered the appartment, Doffy holding Viola bridal style (he loves to be theatrical, that's a matter of fact), when his phone suddenly started ringing.

-“I have no intention to answer, it must be someone from the company who forgot about my directives...”

“I don't think so, my love, that's your personal phone. Answer it, it can be something important”

- Seeing the name on the screen almost made him swear.

- “Rocinante! What is it!? Didn't I tell you I was going to finally spend some time with my wife this week?! I really hope you...”

“You're in Miami, right?”

“Yes, but...”

“Great! My flight is making a stopover there in 15 minutes, I have to move abroad for 6 days for a meeting with the Navy Admirals and I couldn't find anyone to look after Law!”

“You're not listening, are you!? I told you I'm in Miami because...”

“Law is here with me, I've already called a taxi which'll drive him to your house. You're staying in the attic, I guess... Have you other properties there?”

“Rocinante! I told you...!”

“Thank you, bro! I owe you a favour!”

“Rocinante! You...! I can't believe, he just hang up on me!”

- Doffy had never been so angry in a while, but Viola was giggling “Come on, your brother's stepchild is a good boy, it won't be so bad to have him around!”

- Not even half an hour later, Law arrived the attic accompanied by one of the building's doormen. He had nothing else with him than a backpack and a portable console.

- “Alright, kid, your room is on the second floor”

“Can I play on the couch over there?”

“Of course you ca...”

“You can, dear!” Viola talked over her husband “You're with family here, do as if you were home!”

- That was just the beginning of the end. Law was indeed a good kid but he was... a kid! He spent hours playing videogames in the living room (which, of course, was the best room of the attic) and running around pretending to be his favourite hero, Sora. He also read comics while walking sometimes and once he almost broke an expensive flamingo sculpture!

- Ok, Viola actually hoped for the sculpture to be broken, but Doflamingo was faster in catching it...

- No dinners for two, of course, Law felt lonley eating alone in his room as “uncle Doffy” suggested (and Viola would have never allowed it)

- As any 10-years-old child, Law woke up early every morning and asked to go to the beach, but eventually he always stayed under the beach umbrella reading his comics and lamenting it was too hot.

- At night... well, he played his videogames or watched tv without minding his step-uncles' room was just next to his. And at the same time Viola and Doffy weren't actually allowed to do whatever they wanted for the same reason.......

- But the bottom was touched one evening when Doffy finally managed to be alone with his wife at the poolside on the terrace. Law hadn't been around for the whole afternoon, so he thought he had decided to stay away in his room for once.

- It goes without saying, he was wrong.

- All of a sudden, Law run into the terrace and... he slipped.

- He fell violently in Doffy's lap, causing his chair to broke and his drink to... fall all over a very perplexed Viola.

- “Look what you've done!”

“I didn't do it on purpose, it was an accident!”

“Go to your room! Now!”

“Ehi! You can't say me wat to do, old man!”

- That was enough.

- Doffy now looked totally calm and incredibly scary “If you don't get out of my sight immediately, I'll make both you and that idiot brother of mine regret having brought you here”

- Law widened his eyes in terror, he hesitated a couple of seconds and then run away. He was crying.

- “I... I'm sorry, Viola, are you alright? If only that kid hadn't... ”

“Doffy, don't you think you just overdid a bit with him?”

“What!? Did you hear him? I can't stand that arrogant spoiled child anymore!”

“Spoiled and arrogant child? He reminds me so much of someone else... He just wants to catch your attention! After all he lost his parents not so long ago... he needs a family”

“I really don't know how a woman like you could have chosen a man like me, really... you're even too gentle!”

“But I'm right. Now go talk to him, he looks up at you if you haven't noticed! Be a good uncle for once!”

- He followed Viola's advice, he reached Law in his room and talked to him as a real uncle should. It was strange at the beginning, but somehow it worked.

-“I didn't mean to bother you and aunt Viola... I promise I'll lower my videogame's volume and be careful not to bump into your sculptures anymore... even if they're horrible.”

- For the first time, Doffy simply laughed.

- The following three days were good. Yes, that week hadn't surely been as Doffy had planned, he barely managed to stay alone with his wife... but being uncles was not so bad!

- “Let me just ask you a ting, kid... why do you always ask us to bring you to the beach if you don't even approach water? Couldn't be you can't swim!”

“Honestly, uncle... I don't...”

“Well... neither do I!”

- Rocinante reached them on the 6th day to bring Law back home with him. When he asked if he had acted well, both Viola and Doffy answered he was a very good child. Viola also added he had to be proud of such a good son and Rocinante struggled not to cry.

- They stayed for dinner and left that very evening.

- “Remember, brother, I owe you a favour!”

“Oh, you can bet I will!”

- And, in the end, husband and wife were finally, truly alone.

- “We still have this night and a whole day for us, Doffy, aren't you happy?”

“I'd have prefered this all to be very different, but...”

“You seemed to have fun with Law in the end, uh?”

“I can't say the contrary... he's a smart kid, after all. But I really hope it'll be a while before we'll have to look after children again!”

“Mmh... eight months is enough?”

“Eight months... WHAT?!”

“You get it well, love. I'm pregnant!”

(Sorry for the long wait, dear, I had a to work a lot lately xAx but I managed to write this in the end! Hope you like it!)

[rvmmm21]

[ V V S her diamonds ] – ch 03.

[4:15 p.m.] Disappointment tweaks at Seungwan’s heart when she peers through the huge glass window of their study cafe and sees no Bae Joohyun. 

. . . . .

A group of students are huddled in the back, bent over open textbooks, laptops and scattered stationary. 

Yerimie, Saeron, Seul, wow, there’s Jennie sunbaenim. And she spies Sooyoung sunbaenim balancing a tray of various caffeine-injected drinks back to the table.

A sad sigh escapes her lips. Perhaps she’s l–

“Seungwan?” 

Oh my g– what the–?! Seungwan screams, whipping around in shock at the fingers gently resting on the back of her shoulder. She’s met with a slightly surprised Joohyun, standing there wearing a cream Jute blouse tucked into denim jeans, twinkling eyes and endless amusement etched into rosebud lips. 

“S-Sunbae!” She exclaims, grasping her chest to calm her rapid-fire heart. “Y-You’re here, I was just–”

What, peering through the glass, looking for you like a creep? 

“It’s fine,” Joohyun chuckles, adjusting her hold on the stack of thick notebooks cradled in her arm and motioning for the younger girl to lead the way. “Let’s go. This is heavy.”

Thursdays might’ve found an unexpected favour with Son Seungwan.

Busy eyes move from annotating to the two girls urgently making their way over, the students lifting their heads at Seungwan’s warm greeting. 

“Sorry we’re late,” she sincerely apologises. 

Jennie knowingly eyes her friend. “Not surprised.” 

Joohyun raises her a playfully challenging brow before slipping into the free seat next to Sooyoung at the end of the table, right across her partner.

“You ordering anything, Wan?” Seulgi asks between highlighting her page, offering her and Joohyun biscuits in individually wrapped aluminium packets.

Joohyun takes one and Seungwan nibbles on the edge of her biscuit, deep in thought. The group soon slips into the robotic rhythm of monochromatic scribbling, greyscale note-taking, typing, and intermittent snacking. Jennie slips away to order small desserts for everyone at the table. They thank her with shocked bows and hungry stares, unable to settle on one in the garland of appetising coloured treats on the tiny table.

“Sunbae, you’re like Santa Claus,” Seulgi happily attacks the New York baked cheesecake. “When did you order this? It’s like we were asleep and we just woke up to presents!”

Her bearish enthusiasm has an observant Sooyoung unconsciously smiling around her fork.

As the group tucks in, Seungwan thinks a group study date is the safest she can be in terms of being on the receiving end of any more of her senior’s teasing mannerisms.

Fortunately, Joohyun always surprises her.

A little later on, they’re discussing the historical impact of contemporary Korean literature. Right in the middle of a sentence, Seungwan’s concentration is shattered by a deep blush of raspberry when she feels a feather-light graze against her right Adidas sweatpant leg. She chokes, almond eyes shooting up from messy essay notes, silently begging for mercy. But of course, Joohyun’s serene, unbothered expression gives nothing away as she continues to ask for her opinion as though Seungwan is crazy for looking like a flustered mess. 

The frazzled junior doesn’t know what makes her head spin more; the fact that Joohyun, composed as ever, initiated a game of footsie right under both their friends’ noses in public… or that she secretly enjoys it.

Not that she’ll ever admit to the latter.

Small fists corkscrew the sleeves of her sky-blue Chrome Hearts hoodie as the desperation to hide the cherry-blossom tint in her cheeks builds.

. . . . .

It’s past midnight by the time they’re done, and everyone bids goodbye with ‘Z’s coming out of their ears. Much to everyone’s surprise, Sooyoung and Seulgi got along pretty well this evening and the taller girl had hastily agreed when Seulgi suggested they visit her favourite boba place. Yerim and Saeron were late for their movie, and Jennie was spending the weekend at her girlfriends’.

“Wait, are we dumb? Why did we book this now,” Saeron asks incredulously, “aren’t you gonna get wrecked by grumpy ajumma? Curfew ended like ten minutes ago.”

“Ah who cares, she’s always like that,” Yerim retorts with a dismissive wave. “I could fill a prison wall with how many strikes she’s given me and Seungwan and Seulgi unnie.” She slings an arm over Saeron’s shoulder, urging them to hurry. “C’mon, ads don’t take forever.”

“Wan-ah,” Seulgi calls back as she’s being dragged away by an eager Sooyoung, “if you order pizza can you leave some out for me!”

“Yeah, yeah. Enjoy. Don’t wake me up.”

“Hyun-ah, you sure you’re not coming?” Jennie’s sleek midnight-black Vetements cardigan blends with the hues of the night sky, giving away how late it is. She swipes into her messages. “Chaeng said she doesn’t mind.” 

Joohyun laughs with mock disgust. “Thanks Jen, but I’m not crashing your date-nights anymore, thank you very much. I saw enough the last time, my eyes can’t take that kind of stuff.”

Waving goodbye, Jennie and Chaeyoung speed off, leaving Seungwan wondering what ‘kind of stuff’ Joohyun could be referring to.

The pair are drawn to the horribly lit bus stop and just about the only source of light for miles. 

Seungwan yawns silently, but she doesn’t mind waiting with Joohyun. It’s late and although her apartment is in the opposite direction, she’d be at ease knowing her friend got home safely.

The darkness is engulfing, allowing an overhead street lamp to bathe them in its flicking spotlight like stars in a West End Production. 

“We were pretty productive today, sunbae,” the younger tries to make conversation to fill the space between them. “Do you wanna come for next week’s session too?”

“Sure,” comes the reply. “Thanks for waiting with me. When’s your ride getting here? We should’ve booked at the same time.”

Seungwan nervously scratches the back of her neck, crinkling her worksheets in her grip. “Uh, I’m just walking home tonight actually.”

“Oh? Do you live closeby?” she asks in surprise, assuming they were both waiting for taxis.

“Ah, yes, I’m just– it’s just down there.”

Joohyun narrows her eyes suspiciously. “Down there… where.”

“Just a quick walk, past… past the duck pond,” the girl mumbles, staring down at her shoes.

“Q-Quick? Quick?” Joohyun stutters, malfunctioning at their severely clashing definitions of ‘close’. A delicate fist draws back and Seungwan flinches, Bae Joohyun looking closer and closer to doing what she did to Lucas to her poor, startled junior. “The duck pond near uni? Yah, Son Seungwan, that’s almost a twenty minute walk from here.” 

“Fifteen if I have my speed walking playlist on,” Seungwan tries, but she isn’t listening.

“A lot of dangerous things can happen in twenty minutes, you know.” She hurriedly unlocks her phone and clicks into the KakaoTaxi app, altering the destination to add a stop and shoving it into reluctant hands. “Hurry, put your address in.” 

Seungwan so badly wants to politely decline, not confident in her ability to sit in a moving vehicle with such a pretty person without hurling herself out the window at top speeds. But the latter’s glare dares her to try.

With shaky fingers, she successfully types in her address after three tries and hands it back. Joohyun checks it and confirms the change. Seungwan wants to comment on how her frantic nature is actually really endearing, but she resists, thinking she’s still cooling off from it.

“Thank you, sunbae,” she bows instead. She even tries to insist she pay her share of the ride, but Joohyun refuses, saying it’s what she gets for thinking it was a good idea to walk home alone.

Finally, a black Sedan pulls up to the curb and the driver winds down his window. “KakaoBlack for Bae Joohyun?” He checks, looking as ready as both girls are to go home and crash for the night. 

The girl nods, opening the door for Seungwan to get into the backseat and climbing in after her.

Grand streaks of neon dance across the car windows, falling behind as quickly as they appear. Seungwan tears her gaze from the rapid city lights when she hears her name. 

An almost child-like excitement masks Joohyun’s usually steely features when Seungwan hums questioningly, not having heard what she’d said. “I said unnie,” she repeats, “you should call me unnie now that we’re closer. Honestly, I wanted to correct you this evening, but I never got the chance to. Aish, everyone was so noisy.”

The topic of noise has Joohyun distracted, suddenly popping off on a tangent about how sound-proof couple study rooms should be integrated in cafes and student-dense areas alike. But Seungwan finds it hard to focus on anything other than those glowing eyes and that tiny, lopsided smile.

For the rest of the journey, the two exchange stories of their university life experiences, life outside classrooms and even a few laughs; mostly on Joohyun’s part at how Seungwan seems to have the most prankish roommates slash best friends in the world. She loses it at ‘carbonara shampoo’, finding the idea wickedly genius and hilariously absurd altogether. Uncontrollable cackling booms in the backseat and Seungwan can’t help but giggle too, ears saturated with Joohyun’s chimerical laughter.

Eventually, the street lights and the houses start looking familiar and they’re pulled into a student apartment lobby before either of them knows where the time went. Joohyun can see the grumpy ajumma at reception wearing a frown, but she doesn't know it’s because someone’s gone over curfew. Again.

“Goodnight Seungwan.”

“Goodnight… unnie.” Seungwan wishes, ignoring the way their new closeness unfolds her heart like a secretly passed note. “Stay safe, and message me when you get back!”

Making to get out of the car, she flinches when she’s unable to fully stand up. Gulping, she glances over her shoulder to see Joohyun holding her back by her bag straps. In her sleepy state, the younger can’t tell if that intently searching gaze is serious or not.

“By the way, when you were looking into the cafe from outside this evening, you weren’t checking Jennie or Sooyoung out, were you?”

Seungwan shakes her head truthfully. “Why?”

“Good.” A cat-like smirk graces her lips and Seungwan’s stomach drops. “Just making sure.”

. . . . .

[imma-fucking-nerd]

Promise Me

(Connor x Suicidal!Reader)

⚠️TW: Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Drug/Alcohol Use, Mentions of Self Harm, Suicide Attempt⚠️

A/N: So as you can tell from the tw this one is going to be very dark and may be triggering for some readers. If you're going through a rough time and don't think you can handle reading depictions of these kinds of things PLEASE skip this one. I only feel comfortable writing about it because I've been living with depression and suicidal thoughts for a very long time, and writing comfort fics with my favourite fictional characters helps. Sorry for the long A/N I just want to make things clear and give a good warning.

————————————————

Your alarm clock blaring by you ears woke you up from your only escape from your reality, signalling it was 6am. Groaning, you lazily slapped the alarm off but made no attempt to get up. You knew you had work today but you just couldn't get yourself to stop staring up at the ceiling and into nothingness. What if you just didn't go in? Would anyone even notice? Would anyone even care?

No. No one cares. You're worthless.

And there it was. The voice in your head that sounded like your own yet betrayed you at every opportunity. Yet even so you couldn't help but believe it. After all, it was your thought wasn't it?

That's how it had always been.

Horrible words blending into your thoughts so seamlessly you managed to convince yourself they were normal. But no normal mind tried to tear itself down every time it was silent. That was the demon known as depression.

You've lived with this demon for as long as you've know. It was your normal. But recently it had been more and more frequent with it's hurtful words that spread through your mind like a deadly virus. The past couple of weeks had been especially difficult.

You tried everything you could to shift your mind to something else, anything else. You smoked pot, cigarettes, drank, you even slipped back into an especially dangerous copping mechanism. But none of those seemed to be enough. Every time they would come back. Your voice would spew venom at yourself in your own mind.

The only times you've managed to have any moment of peace was when you were asleep, or when you were with your only two friends. Hank, and Connor. You loved Hank, but it was Connors presence that really made you feel good. A feeling you longed to feel again every time he left. Was it just a silly crush? Or were you madly in love with him? Did it matter?

He would never love you back anyway.

Of all the thoughts that one might have hurt the most, because you knew it was actually true. He couldn't love you. He was, as he put it, 'a machine, designed to accomplish a task.' Therefore, it was a hopeless battle to think anything could come of it. Yet you still had hope. Maybe because you needed to have it to survive. Because if you didn't have that little hope, you might as well been dead.

It wasn't like you didn't have your reasons to hope, or maybe you really were that desperate. Connor was always so sweet to you, but then again e was sweet to everyone. Except Gavin. He would always get you a cup of hot chocolate in the mornings because you don't like coffee. Connor definitely didn't do that for anyone else. He does get Hank coffee in the mornings too. Then there was the fact you were one of the two people he talked to the most, aside from his detective work. Maybe he just pities you because he knows how fragile you are.

So, as you laid there staring up at the cieling, you decided to test that hope once and for all. See if there was anything to be hopeful about at all, or if he really was a machine who wouldn't love you the same way you loved him. You decided you weren't going to go to work that day, and you weren't going to call in either. If anyone were worried about you, if anyone even cared about you at all, they would check up on you, right?

Not if they don't even notice in the first place.

Hour after hour went by. No calls. At first you figured that it was still early and they probably just thought you were late. But you were never late, why would they think that? Aren't they worried? Not if they never cared to begin with.

At around 9am you couldn't take the overthinking anymore and just went back to sleep. You couldn't think if you weren't conscious. A little secret you learned in the game that is living. Sleeping was the best way to just escape. Especially if you were dreaming. That was the best part. Mostly because your dreams were the only place you could feel Connors arms around you, and his lips on yours.

When you woke up again it was 5 o'clock in the evening. However you didn't accomplish an impressive 8 hours of sleep uninterrupted. No, during that time you woke up just for a minute or two before going back to sleep at least a dozen times. That's usually how you slept most days. It almost felt weird when you sleep a long duration uninterrupted.

Glancing over at your phone, your heart dropped when you saw 0 notifications. Well, not including ones you got from youtube. You turned your phone off and tossed it onto a pile of clothes in the corner of your room.

Maybe they were just having a busy day and didn't notice you weren't there.

There was no way Connor wouldn't notice. He notices everything.

What you didn't know was that Connor was in fact not aware you weren't at the prescinct, but that was because he wasn't at the prescinct either. Connor and Hank had been called in to do a high stakes stakeout to bust a person who had been stealing and selling Cyberlife memorabilia illegally. They had to leave at around 4 am, way before you had to be at work. The entire time Connor was disappointed he'd have to break his streak of greeting one of his favourite people every day.

Truth was, Connor had grown quite attached to you. Despite the fact that he wasn't technically supposed to have any favorites. You were just so different from anyone else he had met. You were the first, and maybe only, human that actually referred to him as a friend. Or even treated him with a shred of decency in general. It made him feel....nice. You made him feel.

So, when the duo arrived at the office finally at around 4pm he noticed the lack of your presence immediately. He asked around the prescinct if anyone had seen you today and all of them, well the ones that actually talked to him, said they hadn't. He even went so far as to ask Fowler if you had called in only to be met with the same answer. Now he knew that was odd, that something was wrong.

He tried to call you when he was finished Hanks reports for him so the poor man could take a nap but you didn't answer your phone. Now he felt worried. A fact that only worried him more. However before he had the chance to go to your place to see if you were alright, he and Hank were needed to defuse a hostage situation at 6 pm. Of course, he immediately made his new mission his top priority, but every so often you would slip back into his mind.

It was currently 9 and you had managed to drag yourself from your bed to take care of your business in the bathroom a couple times since you had woken up. Everytime avoiding looking at your pathetic self in the mirror. But you would always go crawling back to the comfort of your bed. You didn't even leave your room yet. Not even to get anything to eat. It's not like you didn't want to, but whenever you thought about eating that damned voice in your head always ruined your appetite. So you just kept your eyes glued to your laptop as you laid buried under your blankets. YouTube was always a good distraction. That was until now.

Now that you glanced at the clock you were reminded of the fact that the work day had been over for you hours ago. The fact that no one seemed to care that you weren't there. You didn't even want to look at your phone. You already knew there weren't any missed calls or texts from anyone. No one cared enough.

If only you had actually looked, you would have seen how wrong you were. How wrong it was.

It was at 11pm when it was all just too much for you. Youtube wasn't doing its job in distracting you anymore and the thoughts just kept getting more and more persistent. The worst part was, you didn't even have the energy to fight them anymore. At this point, to you, they all just seemed to be facts. Like you were trying to get yourself to see the truth.

You weren't wanted.

You weren't needed.

You weren't missed.

You should just die.

You believed them.

Closing your laptop, you sat up in bed, letting your legs dangle off the side of the mattress. You looked down at your feet blankly. You couldn't even bring yourself to cry, you just felt numb as you prepared yourself for what you were about to do. Slowly, you got up and went to your bathroom. Once you were inside you made sure to avoid your own ruthless stare in the mirror.

You walked over to the bathtub and turned the nob of the faucet before sticking in the drain plug, not particularly caring about the temperature of the water. You weren't going to be using it for long anyways. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub you rolled up the sleeves of your hoodie and looked over your arms as you waited for the tub to fill. They were littered with many scars of many different ages. The oldest being more than a decade old, and the newest being only a mere few hours. You grabbed the razor from the sink and turned it over in your fingers. These next couple ones would be more permanent.

knock

knock

knock

The sound at your door didn't seem to reach your ears and were only met by silence. This caused Connor's LED to flicker into a pale yellow. Why weren't you answering? Were you harmed? The android tried knocking again, even calling out your name, but was met with nothing once more. He was just about to go and bust down your window like he had once done to Hank when said older man stopped him.

"Don't you even think about it," he said, pointing an accusatory finger at the android.

"But Lieutenant, (Y/n) might be-" Connor argued but was cut off when Hank held up the finger that was once pointing at him to signify 'one moment'.

Hank then bent down, with a little bit of a groan, before lifting up the corner of your welcome mat and plucking up a spare key. Once Hank stood back up with a huff, he shooed Connor away from the door before unlocking and opening it. Connor wasted no time cutting Hank off from the entrance and stepping inside.

Immediately upon entering Connor noted the complete darkness, but that didn't really matter much to him. Through the darkness he knew you weren't in the livingroom or kitchen, a fact made clearer when Hank flicked on the lights. However Connor also noted that there seemed to be no traces of a break-in or a struggle at all. At least not the definition of a struggle he was familiar with.

"(Y/n)?" he called out.

Silence

Connor moved through your home to where he assumed your bedroom. This was the first time he had entered your humble abode and under different circumstances he would've taken more time to investigate the surroundings. Get to know you a bit better. But right now that could wait until he was sure you were okay. He didn't know why it even seemed to be a priority but he couldn't just ignore it any longer.

Your room was just as dark as the rest of the house and also completely lacked your form. The only thing illuminating the room was the light coming from the bathroom which had it's door wide open. Before Hank could stop and scold him about the importance of privacy, Connor made a beeline towards the bathroom.

The sight that he had walked into made his LED flash a dangerous red and eyes widen. You were laying in your bathtub. Fully clothed. Water tinted pink. Your dangerously pale face. However it wasn't those small details that caused the android to suddenly rush over to your side. It was the two long gashes on both of your wrists. Upon scanning you he found that you had lost a lot of blood, but you were still alive. Barely, but he could work with that.

"Connor what the fuck are you- Jesus christ," Hank cut himself off once he saw for himself what was going on.

"Call an ambulance Lieutenant. (Y/n), (Y/n) can you hear me?" Connor managed to keep his voice calm and steady, a feat that took more effort than he would have liked.

The sound of Connor's voice, and feeling you body shift as he gently lifted you out of the cold water made your eyes gently flutter open. Your dulling (e/c) met with his worry written coffee brown ones.

"Connor...?" you called out weakly.

Despite the fact your vision was blurred from a mix of blood loss and building tears, you could recognize his form immediately. What you weren't sure of however was that if it was just a trick of the mond or not. A sense of comfort in your dying seconds.

"Yes (Y/n), it's me. I'm here, you're going to be okay," he said in the most reassuring tone he could muster.

As he spoke he took off his jacket and gently tied it around your left arm while doing the same with a towel for your right. Guilt and regret ate at you from the inside as you silently watched him, his LED still very red and blinking every so often. Hell you could even see the worry on his perfect features. Before you knew it tears started brimming your eyes before large droplets rolled down your pale cheeks.

"I-I'm sorry," you whispered, your voice cracking as your fragile body wracked with soft sobs.

Connor froze when he heard your little voice but it didn't take him another moment to hold you close to his chest.

"It's- It's going to be okay. It's all going to be okay (Y/n), I promise," Connors words were soft and confident, you almost believed him.

You heard what you thought was Hank's voice speak but you couldn't quite register what he said. It was becoming harder and harder to keep your eyes open. As if your eyelids suddenly weighed a million pounds. You shifted further into Connor and you barely heard him speak but the whole world seemed to be fading. Soon enough you closed your eyes and couldn't seem to open them again.

At least, not for several hours. When you did eventually flutter your eyes open again you were mixed with confusion, and then relief. You knew by the pristine white of everything, along with the abundance of machines you were hooked up to that you were in a hospital. As the memories of the previous night came flooding back your eyes dropped down to your newly bandaged arms, and an IV transferring blood into your system. Like last night, a deep sense of guilt, regret, and shame squeezed at your heart.

When your eyes wandered to your left you flinched slightly when you saw Connor standing next to the bed. His eyes were closed and his LED was gently flickering amber, you assumed he was in sleep mode. However as you jolted slightly at his presence, the sudden movement was enough to alert him back awake. His eyes fluttered open and were now on you, seemingly softening a tad the moment he registered it was you. Your eyes only met for a second before you shifted your gaze down to your hands. The guilt and shame made your eyes sting as tears threatened to form in full.

"How are you feeling, (Y/n)?" Connor asked, breaking the silence.

There was a certain sincerity you've never heard from him when he spoke. It made you heart clench but you weren't sure if it was in a good or bad way.

"I'm okay," you said, your voice hoarse and barely audible.

"Good, I'm glad," he replied.

There was another long silence between you two. The only thing keeping the room from being dead silent being the steady beeping and whirring of various machines. This time it was you who spoke up first.

"I'm s-sorry," you croaked.

Your voice was somehow quieter than before and it cracked near the end as your throat tightened up. You were trying desperately to hold back the tears but to no avail. Large teardrops fell from your eyes and rolled down your cheeks.

"I'm so so sorry," you continued, your body being wracked with heavy sobs.

Connor just stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do for a brief moment. His LED went from blue, to golden, and flickered a dangerous red before settling back to golden. Suddenly, he reached out to grasp your hand. His grip was firm yet gentle, and it captured your attention immediately.

Honestly, he didn't know why he did it. But the sight of your fragile and vulnerable form made his biocomonants feel like they were being crushed. Much like how he felt when he first saw you last night. Except it wasn't nearly as bad. Last bight he felt like someone ripped out his therium pump altogether.

That alone made him confused as to why he felt anything to begin with. It was a question he had been asking himself for a while. At least almost as long as he'd met you. He'd run a million diagnostics on himself and they'd always come back with everything working smoothly. Even after last night. It baffled him.

However at this moment, when you looked up at him with your big, glossy (e/c) eyes, he ceased to think about it. All that mattered right now was you. That was all the information he needed.

"You don't need to be sorry," he said softly.

You intertwined your fingers with his and practically held onto him for dear life. Connor noted how your stress levels seemed to go down at his touch, so he decided to take a seat next to you at the edge of the bed. Once you realized what he was doing you scoot over slightly to make more room.

"Everything is alright, just take deep breaths. Can you do that for me?" he asked soothingly, tilting his head ever so slightly.

You nodded and closed your eyes, focusing on nothing but taking deep breaths. Well, that wasn't the only thing you were focused on. You were also focused on Connors fingers that were laced with yours. It really did help. After what felt like hours, your breath seemed to finally stabilize, and so did Connor's LED, settling on a calm blue.

"May I ask you something (Y/n)?" Connor inquired, a question you heard him ask often.

You opened your eyes and looked up to him. You didn't respond right away, knowing exactly what it was he was going to ask, and you dreaded having to answer it. But eventually, after a few moments of him patiently watching you with those warm chocolate eyes, you slowly nodded.

"Why did you do it?"

His voice was softer than ever, and confusion was written all over your face as he tried to understand. You had to look away from him before you broke down again. A soft sight escaped you and he gave your hand a little reassuring squeeze. You knew you had to tell him, so you took a deep breath before speaking.

"I.... I felt worthless. Like nobody cared if I was gone," you spoke slowly, avoiding Connor's eyes at all cost.

"I stayed home today to see if anyone would care if I wasn't there. No one called. I thought that meant I was right. That I didn't mean anything to anyone. That I was a waste of space. That I should just.....just die," you continued, surprised at yourself at how you were able to keep it together.

Connor listened, his LED whirring golden as he processed the information. He then waited for a moment or two before responding. Wanting to be absolutely sure you were finished before he spoke.

"I assure you that I was aware you were missing as soon as I returned to the prescinct. I regret that I wasn't able to bring you your morning hot chocolate," Connor smiled slightly as he spoke, but it soon dropped along with his gaze before he continued.

"But what I regret more was that I wasn't fast enough to stop you. I'm sorry (Y/n)," the sorrow he held in his voice, and the flucking of his now amber LED made you squeeze his hand reassuringly.

"Connor, if it weren't for you I'd be dead. You saved me. You have nothing to be sorry for," you offered him a weak smile once his eyes returned to you.

Connor returned the smile. It was awkward but it wasn't forced, and it was adorable. His LED returned to sky blue, his chocolatey brown hues glancing down at your intertwined fingers. He gently stroked your knuckles with his thumb, the small action making heat rise up into your cheeks. For the first time since you had been awake, there was a comfortable silence for a few moments before Connor spoke up.

"(Y/n), can you promise me something?" his eyes flicked up to meet yours as he spoke.

"What is it?" you replied, subconsciously tilting your own head.

A habit you picked up from the adorable android.

"Promise me you won't try to take your life again?"

"I promise. But can you promise me something?" you implored.

"As long as it's within my capabilities, I'll try," he said sincerely.

"Promise me you won't forget about me."

"I think I can manage that," he said with a little playful smile before adding,

"I promise."

———————————————

A/N: OOF sorry if the end was kinda ass. And also sorry its so mf long. ALSO sorry its kinda dark. Hope y'all enjoyed anywayss 💙

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

Bless me father

Summary: You really needed to get laid. It’s been a long two years. And when the hot stranger walked through the door of your favorite pub and said all the right things, you were sure you made the right descision when you took him home for that night. That was until you saw him 2 weeks later. In the church. Baptizing your friends child.

Words: 4.852 (holy crap)

Pairing: Priest!?John Constantine / F!Reader

warnings: Smut (and a very questionable plot)

A/N: I can’t believe I wrote this. I started this a month ago. Aparently this happens when I listen to too much Hozier and watch that certain episode of Fleabag to often (check Season 2 out). This also started out as something entire differently. But to quote @fanficsrusz (who wanted to be tagged so there you go) We’re going to hell anyway so... enjoy?

„Oh my god.“ You whispered. Looking at your sister, who was sitting beside you.

“What?” She leant to you to whisper back.

“The guy I told you about… From the pub…”

“Can we talk about him, when we’re not in a church at a baptism?”

“It’s him.” You looked at her with big eyes.

“Who?” She asked giving you the side eye.

You gestured towards the man who was holding the baby that was about to be baptized.

“I slept with the fucking priest.”

1 week earlier

 It had been one of these days. You know days when you woke up to get to work and had a mood that could only get better instead of worse.

It started with the coffee machine at home being broken. Then your car wouldn’t start, so you had to take the bus to get to work, which resulted in you being 30 minutes late. Thankfully your boss didn’t mind, it had been the first time. But when you got to your desk and saw the amount of work that waited for you, you wanted to scream. Instead you rolled your eyes and got to work.

10 hours later, the only thing that could lift your mood was a beer at your favourite pub.

They knew you there. You basically spend most of your free time there. Not as a crazy drunk person. But you enjoyed your occasional beer. And the company.

  “There you are. I was wondering if you would get here today.” Alex, the owner of the pub, said as you sat down in front of him. He looked like your godfather. But younger. And more Swedish.

Your beer was standing in front of you only seconds later. You took a big sip.

“Jesus this day sucked.” You sighed, losing your coat, putting it on the seat next to you.

“Wanna talk about it?” Alex looked at you.

“It’s just one of these days…” You knew exactly why you were in such a shitty mood. Alex looked at you calmly.

“It’s been 2 years on the day, hasn’t it?” He asked. You nodded, picking up your beer and emptying it.

“You need to get over it.”

“You don’t just get over your husband dying in a car crash.” You looked at Alex, who was sighing.

“I know. But he wouldn’t want you to be miserable. He’d say you need to get laid. It’s been 2 years Sweetheart.” Alex winked at you, which made you chuckle. Yes. That sounded like Jake. And Alex would know. He was his best friend.

“And how do I get laid? It’s not like there’s a line somewhere.”

The door of the pub opened, and your head turned in the direction, to see who entered. Good thing you already drank your beer. There was no other words as to describe him as sex on legs.

Completely dressed in black, he looked through the room and slowly made his way to the opposite end of the bar you were sitting in. He had short dark hair, no beard, which brought out his perfect cheekbones. Alex chuckled beside you. You closed your mouth which apparently had opened and coughed looking at him.

“Maybe he can get you laid.” He whispered grinning, walking down the bar to take his order.

“Oh my god shut up.” You called after him, which made him laugh loudly. The hot stranger looked at you, his eyebrows raised, before his attention was on Alex to order.

  Another beer was placed in front of you a couple of minutes later.

“I need to get up early tomorrow. No more beer for me. But I’ll take a tea.” You told Alex.

“It’s not from me.” You looked at him, and he nodded in the direction down the bar.

“Oh come on. Stop messing with me.”

“I’m not. He told me to get you your favourite. Because you looked like hell.”

“You’re kidding.”

He shook his head.

“I’m not.” He held his hands up innocently. You looked at him, and came to the conclusion, that he was not messing with you. You got up, took the beer and walked over to hot guy.

“Are you always randomly offending people, or am I the exception?” You asked, standing beside him. He turned in his seat to look at you. His brown eyes taking you in. Damn.

“It wasn’t my intention to offend you. I merely wanted to improve your day.”

“By saying I look like hell?”

“By inviting you for a drink, so you wouldn’t think about what is on your mind.”

“Right.” You looked confused at him, there was a hint of a smile on his lips.

“If you want talk about it…”

“Why would I talk about my issues with a complete stranger?”

“People say I’m a good listener.”

“What people?”

“People.” He shrugged his shoulders. Alex apparently had served him his drink. Scotch.

You still looked at him confused, as he picked up his glass and brought it to his lips. You breathed in deep, as you saw his jawline work. Jesus fucking Christ…

“Tea?” Alex stood beside you, trying to hide his grin.

“Thanks.” You took it and sat down beside hot stranger guy who looked at you.

“I’m John by the way.”

“Y/N.”

“So what is on your mind?”

“Just a shitty day I guess.”

“Talk about shitty days.” He shook his head, breathing out loudly.

“Oh?” You asked.

“First day at the new job. Not exactly happy how it went.” He explained.

“Wanna talk about it? People say I’m a good listener.” You smirked at him. He laughed, holding his hand in front of his mouth. That was cute.

“Not much to talk about. I took over the job that had been done by someone else for almost 20 years and everything is a mess. It will take me forever to sort it out.”

“Sounds complicated.”

“It is complicated. Thank you. The first one who finally understands me.” He genuinely smiled.

“You are very welcome.” You winked at him and you could swear you saw him blush, but he hid his face in his hands very quickly.

You looked across the room to spot Alex who was giving you two thumbs. You rolled your eyes and put you attention back to John.

“So what about you?” He asked you.

“What about me?”

“Why did you have a shitty day?” He put his head on one of his hands, turning his whole attention to you.

“Oh… Just… Work stuff. And a broken coffee machine in the morning. And… then my car wouldn’t start. Shit I forgot about that.”

“Good thing it’s Friday. Or do you need your car tomorrow?”

“Nope. I’m planning on staying in bed the whole weekend.” You nibbled innocently on your tea and John coughed, having just drank from his scotch.

You put your hand on his back, rubbing it gently.

“You okay?” You asked him. He nodded.

“Thank you.”

  “So, if you just started working here, have you seen any of the sights?” You asked him, having talked for about an hour about what came to your minds.

“I actually grew up here.”

“You did?”

“In the orphanage on the other side of town.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry. What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“It’s been 40 years, I think I can tell you, that my parents died in a car crash, when I was 4 years old.”

“Must have been hard to grow up there.”

“It was.” He looked at your hand, which was laying on his. You didn’t even notice that you put it there. He turned his hand, enwinding your fingers with his, drawing small circles on the back of your hand. You closed your eyes, breathing in deep, before you opened them again to look at him. The look he gave you, with his slightly parted lips, eyes as dark as chocolate, made you shiver.

“We’re closing.” Alex shouted and you blinked a couple of times, before you turned your head. There were only 4 people left, including the two of you.

“Put it on my tab?” You asked Alex.

“Sure thing. What about you?” He looked at John, who still had the same expression on his face. He searched for a couple of notes, and handed him over to Alex.

“That’s 20 to much.”

“Keep it.” He finally looked at Alex, smiling gently.

“Well thank you. Please come back as often as you like.” Alex smiled. John nodded.

“Do you need a lift home?” Alex asked you.

You looked from him to John.

“I think I’m good Alex. Thanks.”

“Well then. See you tomorrow.” Alex handed you your coat. John stood and held it out for you, helping you put it on.

“Thanks.” You knotted the belt of you coat, looking up at John. He really was tall. You didn’t notice it all the time you were sitting beside him.

“Can I give you a lift home?” He asked, putting his jacket on.

“That would be great, yes.” You smiled up at him, already going to the door.

As soon as the cold night air hit you, you were wide awake. Were you about to invite a complete stranger into your home? Well not complete stranger. You liked him. He wasn’t wrong when he told you, that he was a good listener.

The door behind you opened, and John stepped out, a cigarette in his mouth, lightening it on his way over to you. What was it about good looking men and cigarettes?

“Where’s your car?” You ask.

“I don’t have a car.” He came to stand in front of you and nodded his head to your right, where a motorcycle was standing.

“I’ve never rode a motorcycle.” You confessed.

“Well another first time.” He whispered, putting the hair, that had fallen into your face, behind your ear, softly touching your ear, caressing you cheek.

“Another first time?” You asked hoarsely, your hand hesitantly wandering up his chest. He was so close.

“First time at the new job. First time at the pub. First time meeting you. First time…” He turned his head, to push the smoke out of his lungs, throwing the cigarette away. You could feel his heart beating, beneath your fingers.

“First time?” You asked shakily.

“We shouldn’t do this.” He whispered as he bend down to kiss your lips. His soft lips lay firm on yours, his arms coming around you, to put you flush against his chest. Your hands wandered into his neck, up in his hair, making him open his mouth, where your tongue found his. He bit lightly into your lip as you parted for some air. Apparently you needed air to survive. A weird concept when you knew you could be kissing him instead.

He looked down at you. You could see the passion in his eyes. But there was something else in it. Confusion? Regret? You weren’t sure.

“Let’s get you home.” He again whispered and helped you sit on his motorcycle, putting the helmet on your head, before he himself sat in front of you, grabbing you hands, crossing them around his waist. You clanged to his back.

“Where to?” He asked. You gave him your address, offering directions.

“No need. I know exactly where to go.” He winked at you, as he put his helmet on and started the engine.

  You barely made it through the door of your house, as John picked you up, pinning you with your back on the door, kissing you demanding. Your legs came around his hips, as his hand wandered up your thigh, his other hand next to your head on the wall. You whimpered, as he began to roll his hips, making you feel just how aroused he was.

“We shouldn’t do this.” He whispered again, his tongue drawing a line down your throat, kissing your neck.

“You... You keep saying that… But you’re doing it anyway.” You stuttered, drawing your head back to rest at the door behind you. He pushed you further up, his hand wandering from your thigh up to you cleavage. He opened the first buttons of you blouse, before he quickly shoved it open, buttons flying everywhere. His tongue dipped between you still clothed breasts, before he put the cup of your bra down, and gently sucked on your nipple, before he bit in it, making you cry out loud.

“Keep doing that, and I’m going to…” You started to say, as his lips closed around your other bud, sucking hard, his tongue flicking around it.

“Oh god…” You cried out, your whole body shaking. He stopped what he was doing, looking at you.

“Did you just..?” He raised an eyebrow. You grabbed him by his shirt, and kissed him hard.

“Yes I did just cum John. And you haven’t even touched me anywhere near to where I want you to touch me.” Growling he pushed you off the door.

“Bedroom.” There was no question in his voice. You put your feet down on the ground, suddenly feeling very confident, as you removed your blouse and opened your bra, never leaving his eyes, as you let them both fall to the ground. His eyes taking you in. You turned around, walking up the stairs to your bedroom. It wasn’t long until you felt two arms around your waist, his head coming to rest on your shoulder before he picked you up again, tossing you on your bed shrieking. You turned, resting your weight on your arms as you looked up at him. The only light in the room was the moonlight that came through the windows, accenting his figure even more. He wasn’t just hot. He was beautiful.

“You’re wearing entirely to many clothes, John.” You said, wetting your lips, as you looked up at him. You pushed yourself up, to knee on the bed and began to open his shirt. One button after the next, before you slowly pushed it down his shoulders. Kissing his collarbones, your hands rested on his chest. You let your tongue wander down, nibbling on his nipple. You looked up at him, his eyes watching your every move.

You kissed yourself down his stomach, dipping your tongue into his bellybutton, before your hand began to rub him through his pants. He was impressive to say the least. He moaned, as you slowly worked your hand up and down. You could see his jaw tense, he closed his eyes, surely enjoying what you were doing. You were about to open his belt, when you felt his hands on yours.

“Lay back, legs up.” He whispered demanding.

  You bit your lip, as you let yourself fall down into your bed. He grabbed your legs, slowly dragging down your pants and panties in one go. He tossed them behind him, kissing your ankle, as he slowly kneeled down, spreading your legs on his way down. You suddenly felt very exposed, laying like this in front of him, and tried to close your legs, as you felt his lips on your inner thigh. You looked down at him, as his head lay in front of you, just looking at your core.

You were about to ask, what he was doing, when he gently pushed himself up and his lips lightly sucked on your outer lips. You let your head fall back in the sheets, moaning deeply. It had been more than 2 years since anyone than you had even touched you.

Sucking and licking his way up he closed his lips around your clit and flicked his lips over it. Your hands flew into his hair to hold him there. You could feel him smiling, as he licked himself down to your opening, shoving his tongue into you. You couldn’t look away from his eyes, that were intensely looking at you, as he began to eat you out. You were breathing heavy, when you felt two of his fingers pushing into you, his tongue working on your clit. Your hips started to move to get him deeper ,when his fingers brushed over a particular spot inside you, that had you nearly screaming.

“There it is...” He himself nearly moaned. He put all his attention to this spot, while you grabbed the sheets beside you.

“Fuck. I’m gonna...” You moaned.

“Come” He murmured, sucking hardly on your clit. You came, your whole body shaking, breathing heavy, rolling your hips, as he fingerfucked you through your orgasm. You were pretty sure you saw stars at some point.

He pulled his fingers out of you, putting them in his mouth before he leant down to you, kissing you, tasting yourself. Your hands crossed behind his neck, making their way down his strong back, your fingers sneaking in his pants, lightly scratching his ass.

He growled, reaching for your hands.

“Hands up. And leave them there.”

“Yes Sir.” You groaned, putting your hands above your head, resting them on your pillow. Who would have thought you like being manhandled?

He opened his belt, pulling it out of it’s loops in one movement, throwing it on the ground. You bit your lip. The anticipation was nearly killing you.

He opened the buttons of his pants, letting them drop to the ground. Apparently he wasn’t a big fan of underwear. Crawling on top of you, you suppressed the urge to put your arms around him. He kissed himself up from your hips, leaving a line to your breasts, up to you neck, before his lips were on yours. You could feel him at you entrance, rolling your hips to get some kind of friction. He bit in your earlobe and sucked on the skin behind you ear. Your hands came to rest on his back, lightly scratching his skin, as he looked at you.

“Didn’t I say to leave your hands up?” He asked, moving his tip up and down your slit, making you moan.

“I never said I would.” You rolled your hips, his tip slightly sinking into you. He smirked before he pushed forward and thrusted his length into you. You closed your eyes, opening your mouth but no sound came out of it. You felt so full.

“Open your eyes.” He whispered, his left arm sneaking behind your back, lifting you up slightly. You opened your eyes, breathing in deep as he began to slowly move inside you. Unintentionally you clenched your muscles, making him moan.

“God you’re tight.”

“It’s been some time.” You groaned, rolling your hips to meet his movements.

“For me too.” He grabbed your leg, putting it over his shoulder, fastening his pace.

“I find that hard to believe.” You shuddered, as he brushed against that spot again.

“Hmmm... Harder” You moaned, your hands wandering down to touch yourself.

He started to thrust harder into you, grabbing your other leg, putting it on his shoulder too. He was so deep inside of you, you would be sore for days. His hand came down, to where you were touching yourself, moving your hand faster, as he quickened his movements.

Your whole body shook as you came within seconds, hissing he pulled out of you to come on your stomach. You were both breathing heavy as he leaned down to kiss you, before he let himself fall on his back next to you. Neither of you moved or said anything for a couple minutes, both of you trying to control your breathing. When you began to shiver, this time from the cold, you got up to the ensuite to pee and clean yourself a little. Walking back you saw him looking at you, so you extra swayed your hips. As you climbed back into your bed, warm arms came around you to pull you on his chest. You put the blanket above both of you and fell asleep within the next minutes, listening to his heartbeat.

  …..

  Your sister looked at you with big eyes, before she straightened up in her seat, eying the priest. There was no doubt. It was John, that was wearing a beige robe, taking about how blessed this child is, now that it is about to be baptized and become a child of god.

“I mean he is hot. You didn’t lie there.” Your sister said, turning her head to you.

“He still is a priest. A catholic priest. Who is supposed to live in celibate.”

“From what you’ve told me, I don’t think he lives in celibate.” She whispered, wiggling her eyebrows. The priest looked through the crowd and was startled for a second, as he spotted you. You were still trying to wrap your head around the fact that you had the best sex of your life with a catholic priest, so you didn’t really pay attention to what he was saying.

  You were standing outside together with your sister, when you shivered. Your sister looked behind you, and then back to you.

“I’ll leave you to it then.” She kissed your cheek. “Don’t blame yourself. He should have told you. Also. He’s really really hot.”

“Not helpful.” You whispered back as she smiled.

“Father.” She greeted him and left you standing with him.

  Shaking your head you exhaled and turned around.

“Can I do something for you, Father?” You raised your eyebrow and John looked down at you. He had lost his robe somewhere on the way and was only wearing his black pants and dress shirt. And his clerical collar. You crossed your arms in front of you. Waiting for him to say something.

“I should have told you.”

“No shit.” You hissed. A couple of heads turned towards you and you nodded smiling at them until they turned away from you.

“Would it have mattered if I told you?” He asked. You thought about that. Would it? You took to long to answer, and saw him nodding his head, a little smirk on his face.

“I can’t talk about that on the baptism of my friends baby.”

“Then come see me later. I’ll be here.” He gestured to the church.

“ I’m sure you will.”  You said and left him standing.

  “Oh please. Don’t tell me you would have said no, if he had told you. You merely regret the lost opportunity of moaning Father when he made you come.” Your sister said.

“Rude.” You punched her arm, drinking your second glass of prosecco. You had left the party after the baptism rather shortly. Your sister following you. Now you were sitting on her balcony, looking down the street.

“What did he say after I left?” She asked.

“He wants to talk. I should come see him at the church.”

“What are you doing here then?”

“Trying to talk myself out of going there, because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my hands to myself, if he’s standing in front of me.”

Your sister shrugged her shoulders. “We’re all going to hell anyway. If you get all hot and bothered because you get laid by a priest, who cares? We’re atheists anyway.”

“How are we related?” You asked her and shook your head laughing, emptying your glass.

“Okay I’m going.”

  He was standing outside of the church, when you exited your car. The sun just started to go down, leaving a pink light to illuminate everything. He spotted you right away and walked towards you, putting his cigarette out, which he had been smoking.

  “You have some explaining to do.” You told him. He nodded.

“Let’s get inside. I have to get my stuff.”

“Okay.”

You walked behind him into the church. You shouldn’t be thinking about how his naked skin under your fingers felt. Or how he tasted, but you couldn’t help yourself. Stopping in the middle of the aisle you looked up to the big cross hanging in front of you.

You never had been raised religious. Your parents didn’t believe in it, and neither did you. Still, it felt weird. Having thoughts like these in a church. The house of god. Where people came to pray.

“If it would make you feel better, I could take your confession.” John was standing at the altar, waiting for you.

“I’m not catholic. And I don’t think you taking my confession would help me ease my thoughts. Shouldn’t you be confessing? Or punishing yourself? You didn’t just break you celibate, you lied. You drank. Aren’t these all things, you’re supposed to not be doing? Stop smiling at me you idiot.”

“I’m sorry. And yes. Yes you’re right. I did break all the rules to have you but I don’t regret it.”

“No?”

He walked towards you and your breath hitched, when he stopped right in front of you. You could feel his warmth and smell his scent.

“Let me take your confession.” He whispered into your ear and you swallowed. Where you about to have kinky sex in a church? He tilted his head, towards the confessional and started walking towards it, disappearing on the left side. Headshaking you followed him, sitting down on the right side, closing the curtain. There was little coming from the other side where John was sitting.

“So what should I confess to you now?” You asked, crossing your legs.

“That’s not how it works. You say Bless me father for I have sinned and then you tell me when your last confession was.”

“But I’m not catholic.”

“Humour me.”

“You just want me to address you as father because you like hearing it, don’t you?” And deep inside you, you did too. You were met with silence on the other side

Ah fuck it.

“Bless me father for I have sinned. I’ve never confessed, so it’s been a little more than 32 years.”

“What do you have to confess?”

“Apart from sleeping with a catholic priest who is sitting next to me?” She quirked her eyebrow. You could hear him chuckle.

“Yes. Apart from that.”

You sighed.

“Well I’m not exactly familiar with your rules. But... I guess it’s safe to say I use God’s name in every way not appropriate. Let’s see... I once lied to my mom about going to a slumber party with my best friend, when I really went to sleep with my boyfriend.  Oh I stole a bathrobe at a hotel once. I’m good at this.” You laughed a little.

“This is not supposed to be fun.”

“Well maybe you should confess your sins then.” You suggested.

“You’re no priest.”

“And I’m not catholic and yet her I sit, confessing my sins to you.” You were met with silence again.

After a couple minutes you were pretty sure, that he wouldn’t talk, so you stood, walking out of the confessional, when a hand grabbed your wrist, and he pulled you back, closing the door behind you, pushing you down on his lap. His lips were on yours, as his hands wandered under your dress up your thigh. Your hands were in his hair. You couldn’t believe this was happening. He rubbed you over the thin fabric of your panties, before he pulled it to the side and shoved his finger deep inside of you. You bit your lip to stop yourself from moaning. Arching your back, your hands came to his shoulders, lifting you up and down, as you rode his finger. He added two more and you positively lost your mind. Until he firmly grabbed you hip, keeping you still, stopping all his movements, with his fingers buried deep inside of you.

You looked down at him.

“You want me to confess my sins?” He asked you, slowly moving his fingers inside of you. You bit your lip and nodded.

“I came here to take care of something, but on my first night here I met you.” His thumb came up to your clit, beginning to slowly draw circles, while his fingers still moved within you. You whimpered.

“And instead of focusing on my task here, all I can think about is the various places I want to fuck you in.” He began to move faster.

“It’s difficult as it is, trying to play the priest, but you...” He shook his head. “You I haven’t counted in.”

It took a while until the information he just gave you, processed in your brain.

“You’re not a priest?” You asked.

“I didn’t say that.” He smirked.

You crossed your arms around his neck, as you felt your orgasm approach fast.

“John...” You breathed as you came, tugging on his hair, as you rode down your high.

You barely heard his zipper, before he replaced his fingers inside you with his cock.

“Oh god.” You moaned quietly.

“Again with the blasphemy.” He chuckled, grabbing your legs, to put them behind his back, picking you up and pressing you against the wall. He started to push into you faster and harder.

“Bloody Hell John” You moaned, as you felt his finger rubbing your clit. You were about to come again.

“That’s where we’re all going anyway honey.” He groaned in your ear, as he spilled inside of you, taking you over the edge with him.

[allie1804-fan]

Please Assist Me (Chapter 17)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8,  Chapter 9, Ch6apter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16

Warnings: Some explicit Content

 He Said

The wrap for the film in November left me high - it had been an amazing experience again for me but the joy at the film completing was made so much better by the knowledge that I would soon be back home, holding Sophia in my arms.

I got back to my apartment after the wrap party at around midnight, slightly inebriated and dialled her back in LA.  

“It’s done, I’m coming home” I declared.

“you seem happy” she said laughing at my slurred speech “are you drunk?”

“little bit I think, yup! You alone?”

“a ha – kids are at Julie’s today”

“ooooh goody, wanna play?”

 She Said

When Ke called me after the wrap party, he was clearly a little drunk, a bit goofy ……and horny. A few times whilst he’d been away, we’d masturbated together and I knew that was where this was going today. I moved into the bedroom and he started softly instructing me as to which garments to remove, what to show him and telling me everything he wanted to do to me when he got back.  He was the master of story telling and timing, holding off telling me to touch myself for as long as he could so that when the time came and he encouraged me ……….

“now  touch yourself, imagine my tongue….”

I was off like a firecracker, screaming his name which pushed him over the edge too, a loud grunt coming through the speaker of the iPad.

I propped the iPad up against his pillow on the bed and we stared at each other, smiling and I know I was blushing a little.

“Why do you always blush when we do that? We are allowed you know, you are my girlfriend right?”

I nodded, giggling a little.

“Yeah, it’s just that it’s 3.30 in the afternoon here - it feels very decadent to be touching myself while the kids are off doing their school day!”

“Where are they on Friday? I get in at around 7am?”

“Lucky you, it’s Miranda’s day. But you should get some sleep”

“I’ll sleep on the plane …………..and after I’ve taken you!”

“Promises, promises”

“Absolutely!”

He Said

“Told you!”

“Told me what?” Sophia breathed as she lay back on the pillow, her long brown hair fanning out around her and her chest still rosy pink with the flush of orgasm.

“Told you I’d take you first before sleep today” I murmured, sinking into the pillow and yawning.

“Poor old man’s sleepy”

“Hey, less of the old”

Sophia pulled up the covers and ran soothing hands over my shoulders”

“Get some rest baby and thank you”

“For what?”

“Coming back to me and keeping your promise”

I could feel myself drifting into dreams already “mmm no problem, I love you Sophia, I’m so glad to be home”

“Love you too Ke”

When I woke up it was early afternoon and Sophia had made a spread of some of my favourite things for lunch, chief among which was a Peanut butter and jelly sandwich! I feasted and we talked about our plans for the time we now had together.  There were still restrictions in California due to Covid so there were limitations on how much we could do but truth be told my main priority was investing time with this newly forming family, seeing some other family and friends and taking some bike rides.  There would be John Wick training in the new year but until then, my time was my own.

 She Said

Once Keanu was back and we’d got over the initial rush of excitement to be together again, we settled into something of a routine.

He’d stay over a couple of nights a week and at least once a week I’d spend the day with him at his house, often just enjoying a decadent day between the sheets.  A Wednesday would be similar for us to a Sunday for a couple who didn’t have kids in the house bouncing out of bed at 7am!

Whilst we did have a routine of sorts there were still adjustments to be made. One of these took me a little by surprise and was partly triggered by a routine letter from my doctor.

Keanu was there as I opened it.

“Everything OK?

“Oh, yeah sure, it’s just about my coil. It’s going to expire soon so I have to go in for a consult”

“Oh and are you just going to get another one or ….?”

“Or what ?”

I had known this decision was coming soon and it had got me questioning whether it was the end of the road for me and babies. Some friends around me were still having more kids and that was one factor in me questioning it. The last new baby had arrived only a couple of weeks ago  - it was Julie’s so we’d gone to visit, taking a gift.  I got to cuddle her little boy Matthew too since we were in the bubble together. I remembered Keanu’s indulgent expression as I’d declared

“Babies just rule don’t they? Every home should have one! – but then again they are soooo much work!”  

I was only joking around but it was true, I did love babies and I couldn’t say for sure that I was content with declaring an end to my child-bearing years by getting another coil fitted for 10 or more years. I know you can take them out early but the fact that it could just go in and stay in did make that particular choice feel quite final. On the other hand, it was safe and super convenient and meant no condoms which I had never liked and most men I knew didn’t either. I wondered what Keanu thought of my comment. He was so great with my 2 kids  - I didn’t know whether he regretted not having kids of his own – I mean I guess that was kind of inevitable given what he had lost but I didn’t know if it was something he wanted still.

“Or …… do you ever wonder about having more kids?”

“Gosh, I don’t know”

“No? You weren’t thinking about it when cuddling baby Matthew the other day?”

I blushed.

“Well, maybe it crossed my mind that this decision was coming up”

“and?”

I took a deep breath

“And I wasn’t sure I was completely ready to …….. to close the door” I admitted.

 He Said

I sat at my desk, a blank piece of paper in front of me. I was about to embark on a methodical analysis of my thoughts on having a kid with Sophia. After she’d said she wasn’t sure she was ready to close the door, she asked me what I wanted.  Gosh, that took the wind out of my sails even though I had been the one to lift the lid by asking her about her coil. To be honest, it was the way she had been with baby Matthew that had started me thinking before that and had re-awakened in me something I’d not felt since my 40s: The longing to have a child of my own.

I started jotting down thoughts  - pros and cons and trying somehow to think about how positive or negative they each were. It was no good weighing a negative like sleepless nights against a positive like giving my mother grandchildren and my sisters a niece or nephew.  I was still pouring over my page, filling it with thoughts and adding circles around key words and phrases when Sophia popped her head around the corner to say hi. She’d just arrived after dropping the kids at Miranda’s.

“Hey what’s this?”  she asked leaning over my shoulder and kissing my cheek.

“Well, it’s me attempting to be rational, practical, you know about what we talked about yesterday”

“Oh, I see” she responded as she started to scan the page.

“you’re not too old” she exclaimed, picking up on one of the negatives I’d written.

“You sure ?– I mean I could be nearly 80 when they’re 20 something – my mom was 40 when I was 20!”

“Yeah but I’ll be 50 when Eva is 20  - 20 was very young to have a kid by today’s standards. What are the numbers next to each thing?”

“A scoring system” I said blushing a bit.

“Oh my god, how scientific are we getting!?”

“Like I said” I defended, “I’m trying to be pragmatic, weigh things in the balance which is hard when you have things like this in the mix”

I pointed to the biggest word on the page which I’d started to draw around. It was ‘Love’ and it was certainly the thing that counted most in the balance. The love that a child could bring into my life and everyone else in our families was why seeing Sophia with Matthew that day had sparked all those feelings. It didn’t really matter that much that I might need to do fewer projects, that I’d have less freedom and time to myself for creative projects, that we’d be building a complex family melding with the existing one. I think the only thing on the page I could see that made me hesitate were the words “Loss” , “risk and “disappointment”. How on earth could we embark on this path and accept that maybe Sophia wouldn’t get pregnant, what steps would we take if that was the case or would we just agree that if it didn’t happen on its own then that was the end of it. Or maybe she would conceive and then we’d lose the baby like Ava  ……… That option almost equalled the love one in terms of being the opposite in negative points.

“Come on,  take a break, have some lunch with me and then talk me through it OK? Maybe I should do the same task huh? We’ll work it out” she soothed, squeezing my hand.

She Said

Keanu was quiet through lunch. I could tell that this topic was really taxing  his head and heart and I felt guilty that my contraceptive choices had brought this to the fore. He reassured me that in fact, it was seeing me with baby Matthew that had really started the thoughts spinning round his mind.

Whilst I teased him about his giant mind map of pros and cons with its elaborate points system,  it was really useful as a prompt to talk it through. It didn’t strip emotion out of it, after all, how could it with the word love and all its layers of meaning sitting at the centre of the page, but it meant we did consider everything as best we could.

It was the first time we’d talked in any detail about Ava and that experience of loss. He told me most of it, leaning back in the lounger by the pool, eyes closed, holding my hand, an occasional tear leaking out. The horror of giving birth to a silent, dead baby filled me with sorrow for him and Jen and, if I’m honest, some fear for myself. Fear of being the one to do that to him again, fear of embarking on something that held such potential danger. It had never felt that way as I had innocently embarked on my pregnancies with Eva and Miguel.

By the time I had to leave that afternoon, we had almost got to our conclusion, but agreed to sleep on it for a few days. Ironically, he called this technique “incubation”! He said you didn’t actually have to actively think about it but letting it just sit in the back of your mind meant that you would process it and come to a conclusion that you were comfortable with.

 He Said

I wanted to pinch myself when I thought back to last Christmas Eve. The two years could not be more different. This evening, at nearly midnight, I found myself hovering outside Miguel’s bedroom door, checking for the steady sounds of him sleeping before sneaking in with his stocking containing a few presents for when he woke up.  Sophia was doing the same outside Eva’s door. As I crept up to his bed, looking at his angelic little face, almost black hair sticking out of the covers just a bit, I felt centred and certain about our decisions last month.

He and Eva were my family too now, not officially in law, but in practice they spent more time with me than with their Dad these days.  They were comfortable with me, even as an occasional disciplinarian not just a playmate. And that was enough for me and Sophia - if we added to the brood with a child of our own, then great; We weren’t making any efforts to stop a pregnancy  and we were both taking care of our health but we would not have any fertility interventions and would stop if  nothing had happened after a couple of years since Sophia was nearly 40.  We had both agreed that we didn’t want to push our luck too far with a risky pregnancy.

 She Said

My main memory of our first Christmas together was Keanu’s goofy grin that seemed to be permanently plastered on his face for the whole holidays.  It was there for all the special meals we shared, there when we all opened our gifts from him (purchased without PA help!) and there when he closed the bedroom door and came to make love to me each night, stifling the sounds of our passion from the kids with his kisses.

We were in a cocoon of love and tenderness - I knew work was on the horizon for him and that would change our rhythm again soon enough but for now, we could bask in each other’s love, enjoy the children together and carry a little spark of hope that I might be able to fall pregnant with his child before long.

Once the holidays were over, Keanu was back to developing John Wick 4 and starting a new programme of training.  We would have to endure some separation again once shooting started in April in New York but we were all decamping at the start to his apartment there since it would be the holidays then. We even had plans to decorate a bedroom each for the children so they would feel at home when we visited. I wanted them to feel safe and secure. It turned out that this was the one thing I couldn’t guarantee for them, now their mother was publicly dating a movie-star.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles   

[downn-in-flames]

let’s keep it casual

this was written for a trope stew challenge on @hpfanfictalk​ - my assigned tropes were 1) roaring rampage of revenge, 2) snowball lie, 3) friends with benefits, 4) it's personal, and 5) mistaken for betrayal. somehow, i think i managed to squish them all in here :P

read it on: hpft | ao3

[Tuesday 10 May, 15:04]

james potter: u up?

lily evans: it’s 3pm

james potter: good observation

lily evans: you need to get more creative with your ‘hi i’m bored can you come over and fuck me’ lines

james potter: did it work though?

lily evans: be there in 15

*

[Tuesday 10 May, 16:42]

sirius black: ran into lily in the lobby a few minutes ago sirius black: tell me, when are you going to finally own up to the fact that you fancy the shit out of her and aren’t just casually fucking her with no feelings involved

james potter: hmm, but see, that would require that statement to actually be true james potter: seriously, it’s just hooking up james potter: we’ve got a good thing going, i’m not going to ruin that by catching feelings

sirius black: ~catching~ feelings? sirius black: dude sirius black: feelings have long since been caught sirius black: by both of you

james potter: ur wrong but i’m not arguing that point with u anymore

sirius black: because your counterarguments are shit and you know it

*

[Wednesday 11 May, 20:53]

lily evans: i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him lily evans: I’M GOING TO KILL HIM lily evans: give me ONE good reason not to commit murder right now

james potter: you can’t fuck me if you’re in prison?

lily evans: damn you have a point there

james potter: also why are you contemplating murder, that seems extreme

lily evans: two words for you: severus fucking snape

james potter: that’s three words

lily evans: do you want me to kill you too, bud??

james potter: you can’t fuck me if i’m dead james potter: but seriously, what did that greasebag do

lily evans: remember when i beat him to checking out the last copy of that chemistry research journal from the library?

james potter: i believe you described it as ‘the most victorious day of the semester to date’

lily evans: and i stand by that lily evans: but ANYWAYS lily evans: the creepy fucker SNUCK INTO MY ROOM and STOLE IT lily evans: and had the nerve to leave me a fucking LOVE NOTE in its place

james potter: he left you a love note?? james potter: what does it say?

lily evans: that is not the part of this story you should be fixating on lily evans: he wheedled his way through the front desk security and came into my room and WENT THROUGH MY STUFF lily evans: not to mention, the damn journal is still checked out in my name lily evans: so if he doesn’t return it on time, I’M going to have to pay for it lily evans: those things are expensive as FUCK

james potter: what a fucking twat

lily evans: i just lily evans: i can’t with him lily evans: the creepiness and borderline obsession with me is one thing lily evans: the fact that he acts like i owe it to him to be in love with him is another lily evans: but straight-up violating my privacy AND sabotaging my perfect reputation with the university library?? lily evans: i’m taking him down

james potter: hell yeah, you show that fucker once and for all

lily evans: wanna be my accomplice

james potter: that’s perhaps the sexiest thing you’ve ever said james potter: ofc i will be

lily evans: will text u when i come up with the appropriate revenge scheme

*

[Thursday 12 May, 13:02]

lily evans: meet me at the library in an hour

james potter: is this part of aforementioned revenge scheme?

lily evans: obviously

james potter: i shall be there

*

[Thursday 12 May, 15:23]

james potter: okay what the fuck was that

lily evans: in my defense it was not supposed to go that far

james potter: mind telling me what you DID have in mind when telling the librarian that we’re engaged?? james potter: because i’ve been wracking my brain and i’ve got nothing

lily evans: she was supposed to give me edit access to my account to fix my last name lily evans: which she did lily evans: and thanks to my BRILLIANT computer skills from there, the journal is checked out in snape’s name instead of mine lily evans: but clearly i underestimated how close i am with the uni library staff

james potter: no shit

lily evans: anyways, what do you want on our wedding registry

james potter: what

lily evans: i’ve got to give her a wedding website link!! she asked for it, i can’t very well show up at the library next week and not have a wedding website for her lily evans: i also ordered a £5 ring on etsy lily evans: it’s huge and tacky and exactly the sort of thing a trust fund baby like u would propose with

james potter: jfc james potter: put one of those mini waffle makers on there james potter: also i’m offended that you think so poorly of my ring-picking skills

*

[Friday 13 May, 9:10]

lily evans: hi, i have a weird request

remus lupin: that’s always a concerning sentence

lily evans: can you take fake engagement photos for me and james?? lily evans: will pay you in bourbon and chocolate

remus lupin: ……. literally what the fuck, lily remus lupin: why on earth do you need fake engagement photos

lily evans: i need them for our fake wedding website

remus lupin: somehow, that still doesn’t make this make any more sense

lily evans: it’s a long story lily evans: can you though?

remus lupin: *sigh* yes

lily evans: bless u

*

[Monday 16 May, 8:57]

lily evans: thoughts?? lily evans: Attachment - 12 Images

james potter: wow james potter: those look… really good

lily evans: we actually look like an engaged couple lily evans: like….. go us lily evans: alright, time to upload these bad boys onto the website

*

[Monday 16 May, 9:12]

james potter: sirius james potter: oh dear brother of mine james potter: who is nothing but kind and supportive and never gives me shit for anything james potter: how are you this fine evening?

sirius black: spit it out

james potter: as you know, i have been pulled into the most hare-brained of schemes with none other than lily evans james potter: and it spiralled into remus taking a bunch of fake engagement photos for us this weekend

sirius black: i am well aware sirius black: you stole my boyfriend from me on what would have otherwise been a chill saturday morning and used him to take pictures in a fucking flower field

james potter: that is correct james potter: anyways james potter: it has come to my attention that we make a Very Cute Couple

sirius black: are u saying what i think ur saying

james potter: and now i feel weird because i kind of... wish they weren’t fake??

sirius black: u ARE saying it sirius black: oh my GOD sirius black: took you long enough

james potter: hey now, you agreed not to give me shit

sirius black: if you scroll up, you’ll see i never agreed to anything

james potter: i can’t believe you’re being so rude to me in my time of dire emotional distress

*

[Monday 16 May, 15:32]

remus lupin: heard you finally got your head out of your ass and admitted you like evans as more than a friend slash hookup

james potter: i’m going to kill sirius, he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone

remus lupin: he’d like you to know that he never agreed to that either remus lupin: but seriously, it was about time

james potter: :( stop making me feel like an idiot for having feelings

remus lupin: you’re not an idiot for having feelings remus lupin: you ARE an idiot for taking so long to realise you’ve had them

james potter: this is a new development james potter: i only had friendly feelings for her until yesterday

remus lupin: …… james remus lupin: you once woke up in the middle of the night to drive to that 24-hour ice cream shop on the other side of town at 3 a.m. so you could take lily her favourite milkshake while she was studying remus lupin: that is NOT something you do for someone you only have friendly feelings for

james potter: it isn’t???

remus lupin: would you do that for me or peter?

james potter: no

remus lupin: hence, not friendly feelings

james potter: … oh

remus lupin: you are useless remus lupin: absolutely useless remus lupin: truly do not know what lily sees in you

james potter: well that’s mean

*

[Monday 16 May, 16:53]

lily evans: is it sad that i keep forgetting this wedding website is fake?? lily evans: like, i am putting Way Too Much Effort into this given that it is an elaborate ruse to appease some librarians and i keep catching myself fantasising about a real wedding lily evans: literally what is wrong with me

remus lupin: jfc remus lupin: you two really ARE meant for each other

*

[Monday 16 May, 23:49]

james potter: wait what do you mean ‘what lily sees in me’?? james potter: remus?????

*

[Tuesday 17 May, 10:03]

lily evans: stage 2 of burn snape’s life to the ground begins tomorrow lily evans: are you ready?

james potter: should i be prepared for a fake marriage this time?

lily evans: haha no, i promise i won’t spring any fake relationship statuses on you this time lily evans: but now that you mention it… lily evans: check out this work of art lily evans: theknot . com / deerlybeloved

james potter: fucking hell, evans james potter: you went all out

lily evans: umm yeah lol lily evans: turns out designing a wedding website is a really fun way to procrastinate

*

[Tuesday 17 May, 10:16]

james potter: she used a deer pun in the fake wedding page name i actually can’t breathe

sirius black: the transition from complete denial to pathetic sod happened even faster than i expected

james potter: you are ruthless

sirius black: remember when i was the pathetic sod about remus and you gave me SO much shit about it?? sirius black: this is payback, bitchhhhhhh

james potter: you’re right, i deserve this

*

[Wednesday 18 May, 19:34]

james potter: truly, evans, i don’t understand why you’re studying chem when you’re this good at hacking into things james potter: in other news, i’m having the absolute fucking time of my LIFE on snape’s reddit account rn james potter: i just wrote a long essay about how i’ve learned the errors of my bigoted ways and am embracing the blm movement and intersectional feminism and i’ve never seen something get so violently downvoted so fast

lily evans: see, this is why i knew you were the right accomplice for this lily evans: keep destroying his internet reputation and trolling his weird alt-right community with all your research and logic lily evans: you’re doing amazing sweetie

james potter: studying human rights law does occasionally have its perks james potter: this, plus ya know the whole ‘making the world a better place’ thing

lily evans: i was about to say lily evans: i should hope the only perk isn’t trolling the internet

james potter: ahahahahah yessss one of the admins is threatening to kick me out james potter: also he keeps using mudblood as an insult and i’m like ??? james potter: what does that even mean??

lily evans: somehow i feel like you don’t want to know

james potter: update i found out, and yes you were right, i didn’t want to know

lily evans: in that case, not gonna ask

*

[Thursday 19 May, 17:35]

severus snape: Potter.

james potter: fuck i really thought i’d blocked your number

severus snape: You’ve pulled childish pranks in the past, but getting me banned from the Death Eaters Messageboard is a new low.

james potter: i’m sorry what james potter: i don’t know what you’re talking about

severus snape: Cut the bullshit. severus snape: In the process of reinstating my account - with none of my reputation points, might I add, thanks for that - I’ve acquired photo evidence of the posts that resulted in my expulsion. severus snape: I know no one else who would both make a play on words about deer and quote a Taylor Swift song in the same sentence. It was obviously you, you childish buffoon.

james potter: haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

severus snape: I’m not joking around here.

james potter: baby i’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

severus snape: You’re going to regret this, mark my words.

james potter: i shake it off, i shake it off

james potter has blocked severus snape

*

[Thursday 19 May, 19:03]

lily evans: come over i’m bored

james potter: is this a ‘come over so we can have sex’ type of come over or a ‘come over so we can watch the good place for the hundredth time’ type of come over

lily evans: why does it have to be one or the other?

james potter: touché james potter: omw

*

[Thursday 19 May, 22:38]

james potter: RED ALERT I HAVE FUCKED UP james potter: you’re 1000% gonna roast me for this and i don’t fucking care because if i don’t tell someone i’m actually going to explode

sirius black: what happened with lily this time

james potter: bold of you to assume this has to do with lily

sirius black: does it have to do with lily?

james potter: ….. yes

sirius black: my bold assumption proven correct

james potter: anyways, we were shagging, as we do james potter: and it was the ~heat of the moment~, you know??

sirius black: i am not qualified to give you sex advice, if that’s where this is going

james potter: and i might’ve accidentally told her i loved her

sirius black: oh fuck that’s not where this was going

james potter: and now i don’t know what to doooooo

sirius black: well, what did you do after you said it?

james potter: honestly i blacked out james potter: i think i backtracked by telling her i meant that i love fucking her and then just like….. left as soon as we were done

sirius black: jesus fucking CHRIST

*

[Thursday 19 May, 22:54]

remus lupin: sirius is banging his head on the table repeatedly and given that he was texting you a few minutes ago i can only assume you said something on a whole new level of stupid

*

[Thursday 19 May, 23:01]

james potter: sirius??? james potter: help???

sirius black: i have never gone out on a date with a woman and even i can tell you that that is absolutely NOT what you do when you tell a girl you love them for the first time sirius black: you absolute knob

james potter: so what do i doooooo

sirius black: tell her the truth maybe? sirius black: the cat’s out of the bag now anyways and it’s not like you can make things any worse than you already have

james potter: but we agreed no one was going to catch feelings when we started sleeping together!! james potter: we pinky swore james potter: i can’t break a pinky swear

sirius black: ffs the fact that you two pinky swore on a sex agreement is something i’ll need to give you shit for at a totally separate time but that’s not the most pressing issue at the moment sirius black: my point stands, breaking a pinky swear is still an improvement on the current situation sirius black: just tell her the truth so you two can become that nauseatingly adorable couple and overtake me and remus as the most vomit-inducing pair in college

james potter: ughhhhh james potter: curse my blood-deprived brain for getting me into this mess

*

[Saturday 21 May, 9:37]

lily evans: phase 4 of fucking up snape’s life starts today - you ready?

james potter: uhhh yeah james potter: listen, are you okay?

lily evans: yes? why wouldn’t i be?

james potter: idk james potter: but good, that’s good

lily evans: yep, it’s good

james potter: how many phases are there to this snape plan anyways? james potter: will i get to know any of the phases in advance?

lily evans: 4 phases lily evans: phase 1 was putting the world back in its rightful order, phases 2-4 are all about destroying the things he holds most dear lily evans: see: his top 5 placement on that alt-right message board (phase 2), and his good reputation with all the chem professors (phase 3) lily evans: (i handled phase 3 on my own, btw)

james potter: fair enough, don’t know how i would’ve helped with chem professors anyways james potter: pretty sure one of them (slughorn i think?) hates me from that one time sirius and i let chickens loose in the science building

lily evans: oh god yeah he definitely probably does lily evans: anyways, phase 4 is sneaking into his room like he did to mine, and you’re gonna leave the note lily evans: he’ll be properly pissed off if he knows you got in, but he’d probably just wank to a note i left

james potter: thanks for the most cursed mental image of my life james potter: but you’re prob right tbh

lily evans: anyways, i’m pretty good at picking the locks on the dormitory windows, so i’ll go in that way and unlock his room from the inside - all you’ll need to do is show up lily evans: tonight at 7

james potter: roger that

*

[Saturday 21 May, 13:46]

remus lupin: have you talked to lily about the infamous mid-coital ‘i love you’ yet?

james potter: jfc must sirius tell you everything james potter: and no, i’m getting there i swear

remus lupin: get there faster

*

[Saturday 21 May, 22:40]

sirius black: is everything okay?? sirius black: actually wait i know the answer to that sirius black: you came in soaking wet two hours ago and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and have been blasting all too well at top volume ever since sirius black: everything is definitely not okay

james potter: fcuk lily evans james potter: and not in the fun way james potter: i’m never gonna fuck her in the fun way again

sirius black: what happened?

james potter: rememember how we were sabotaging snep’s life james potter: *sneep james potter: *snape james potter: turns out, she and sneep go way back james potter: motherfucker james potter: sneep is jsut his name now james potter: anyways, she set me up and betrayed me james potter: sneep knew i was gonna be there and put a booby trap on his door, and he and lily were inside LAUGHING at me

sirius black: wait what the fuck sirius black: lily would never

james potter: but she would apparently james potter: she even has pictures of them in primary school together james potter: i just james potter: fuck

sirius black: that’s actually beyond fucked up

james potter: originally this whole revenge on sneep thing was just me following along with lily’s rage james potter: but now it’s personal james potter: the lily revenge plan didn’t have a phase 5, but the james version does james potter: and i’m taking both of them dwon james potter: is it petty? yes james potter: will it actually fix th fact that evans betrayed me? no james potter: but will it make me feel better? yess james potter: and that, i think, is a valid reason james potter: will u hlep me??

sirius black: i mean, i’m always down to fuck with sneep sirius black: but uhh, maybe sleep off the alcohol first sirius black: and stop playing all too well

james potter: okye

sirius black: that was not an invitation to start playing you’re not sorry

james potter: taylor swift is th eonly person who gets my sadness right now i cant’ help it

*

[Sunday 22 May, 9:21]

lily evans: i called you like 5 times last night, why didn’t you pick up

james potter: i wasn’t aware you’d want to talk to me james potter: too busy hanging out with your bff sneep

lily evans: jfc you’re such a drama queen

james potter: excuse me

lily evans: also god no i’d never hang out with snape lily evans: sneep? lol

james potter: it was a typo that i’m making into an Official Thing james potter: you two seemed awfully cozy yesterday james potter: you know, when you betrayed me and led me straight into a trap

lily evans: ffs i didn’t betray you lily evans: if you would’ve picked up any of my calls last night, i would’ve been able to explain to you that this was all part of the plan

james potter: wait what

lily evans: i had to make you think i’d betrayed you because you can’t act for shit

james potter: why did you need me to think that

lily evans: for the real phase 4 lily evans: i’m destroying everything snape holds dear lily evans: which, yes, includes both his weird messageboard reputation and his teacher’s pet status, but you know what’s at the very top of that list? lily evans: his perpetual wank that i’m going to realise he was the perfect man for him all along lily evans: hence, i have lulled him into a false sense of believing his fantasy has finally come true so i can crush it under my heel once and for all

james potter: that is… downright diabolical

lily evans: i take revenge crusades very seriously

james potter: ok but how do i know you’re not double crossing me again?

lily evans: bc for fuck’s sake in what world would i EVER want to be with someone who treats me like a fucking prize that he’s owed for being nice to me as a kid?? lily evans: c’mon potter, you know me better than that

james potter: it felt SO REAL yesterday though

lily evans: that is because i, unlike you, am excellent at acting

james potter: why do you keep implying i’m a bad actor??

lily evans: because you are lily evans: exhibit a - you told me you loved me and then proceeded to full-on panic so hard that you gave the world’s worst cover up and ran away at the first possible moment

james potter: oh god, you noticed that

lily evans: of course i noticed that, because once again, you are the world’s worst actor

james potter: yikes james potter: i’m sorry, i know i managed to break literally the only rule we had going into this arrangement

lily evans: it’s actually kinda convenient, tbh lily evans: considering i broke it as well

james potter: you what

lily evans: as it happens, i have somewhat recently come to the realisation that my feelings for you are somewhat outside the bounds of what one would consider ~friendly~

james potter: was it the wedding website james potter: is that what did it

lily evans: embarrassingly enough…. yes

james potter: SAME

lily evans: wait seriously??

james potter: so serious i’m not even gonna make a sirius pun james potter: i mean, did you SEE how good we look together?? james potter: evans, we are a POWER COUPLE

lily evans: hell yes we are

james potter: a power couple who takes sneep down once and for all

lily evans: hell yes we are x100 lily evans: come over in a bit? gotta discuss the actual plan lily evans: i may have an idea that makes it even better

*

[Sunday 22 May, 10:21]

james potter: on second thought, plans have changed yet again

sirius black: i take it this is a positive change sirius black: given that you have now taken to blasting call it what you want

james potter: :)

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:05]

james potter has unblocked severus snape

james potter: hey bro i just wanted to say i’m sorry for trying to sneak into your room

severus snape: You’re not my bro. Don’t call me that. severus snape: We both know you’re only apologising because you wanted to get into Lily’s pants.

james potter: not what this is about but go off i guess

severus snape: You’re just jealous because for once, the nice guy did get the girl. severus snape: Apology not accepted, by the way.

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:13]

james potter: Attachment - 1 Screenshot james potter: at what point do i get to tell him i’ve actually been in your pants

lily evans: your time will come lily evans: but for now, stop texting sneep and put your phone down so that you can cuddle with your naked girlfriend who’s literally on the other side of the bed waiting for you

james potter: don’t have to ask me twice

*

[Sunday 22 May, 13:57]

lily evans: hey sev? wanna meet me at the founder’s garden this afternoon?

severus snape: Of course. Let’s do 4.

lily evans: looking forward to it xx

*

[Sunday 22 May, 18:59]

sirius black: heard sneep had a temper tantrum so dramatic half of the college overheard it

james potter: it was iconic

sirius black: also heard you and evans are engaged now???

james potter: ah, that part is just hearsay james potter: we decided to lean into the fact that we’ve already got a fake wedding website and just throw a fake proposal in there for good measure james potter: it’s still not an actual engagement james potter: but sneep doesn’t know that, and he never will

sirius black: that is so fantastically stupid, but then again, i don’t know why i’d expect anything less from you two at this point

james potter: i am going to buy her a less shitty ring though - not like an actual diamond one, but something in the middle ground, ya know? james potter: if she’s gonna wear it all the time it might as well be nice

*

[Sunday 22 May, 23:41]

severus snape: You are despicable. severus snape: You stole the girl who was clearly MINE. Lily loved ME first.

james potter: first of all, lily doesn’t belong to anyone james potter: second of all, she picked me

severus snape: And we all know you’re just going to drop her as soon as you get your dick wet.

james potter: not that our sex life is any of your business, but i can assure you that i have already disproven that theory

severus snape: That’s disgusting. I didn’t need to know that.

james potter: i mean, you’re the one who keeps bringing things back to getting into lily’s pants james potter: just wanted to share that the experience is indeed a pleasant one, 10/10 would recommend, not that you’ll ever get to experience it for yourself

severus snape: Fuck. You.

james potter: you know what i think, sneep?

severus snape: My name is Snape. Surely your pea brain can at least spell that properly.

james potter: i think you need to calm down james potter: you’re being too loud

james potter has blocked severus snape

*

[Monday 23 May, 12:54]

lily evans: fyi the uni library staff sent us one of those mini waffle makers as an engagement gift

james potter: oh my god james potter: best fake engagement ever

lily evans: figured you’d enjoy that

[lunasxsol]

Despair

Bill Skarsgard x reader

Word Count: 1809

Trigger Warning: depression, self-despair?

A/N: This isn’t something I would usually write but this is how I’ve been feeling and I needed some sort of way to vent so here’s this... So if anyone else is feeling like this or just wants to vent please know that I am here and my inbox is open to anyone!

\\

Bill brought the last boxes of Y/N's stuff into his house. Bill had asked her to move in with him over a week ago, which she gladly said yes to.

"That's the last of the stuff." He set the boxes down, he walked over to her taking her hand in his and walking her to their bedroom. He motioned to the half-empty closet. "This is your side."

Y/N couldn't help but smile up at him. "Babe this closet is huge, I didn't need half."

"You're right, with all those boxes you might as well take the whole thing." She lightly shoved him. "Hey, couples do this all the time."

She shook her head before taking a step towards the huge bed that sat in the middle of the room. "Which is your side?"

"Bed is way too big to have a side. I usually take the middle." Thor jumped onto the bed laying right where Bill pointed to, "Guess not anymore." They both laughed as Thor snuggled onto Bills pillow.

\\

Everything was going well. Y/N had finally situated herself into the house. Y/N and Bill were living happily, it was almost perfect until that week, that dreadful week. He wasn't sure how to get around that.

Day 1

It was the night that they both had off, Bill decided to take Y/N to her favourite museum, then he took her to the new italian restaurant that she had been dying to try. He had noticed her mood was slowly changing that night. She went from being completely giggly and happy to tired and drained. He decided to end the night thinking maybe her period was around the corner.

The car ride home was quiet only the soft music from the radio could be heard. Bill put his car in park but before he could even shut his engine Y/N sprinted out of there. He locked his car and headed after her, but she had already locked herself in the bathroom. He waited on the bed with Thor, her dog.

After a good 20 minutes she emerged from the restroom fully changed into some comfy clothes and her makeup was washed off. "You okay?"

"Mhm just tired." She muttered tucking herself in bed, Thor left his side and cuddled up to Y/N. Bill stood up and gave Y/N a kiss on her forehead. "I love you." She stayed quiet, he didn't say anything after that, he just took his laptop and headed to the living room.

\\

Day 2 [silence]

Bill woke up early that morning, he had an interview. The time was now 6:49 and Y/N still wasn't up, he walked over to her and lightly shook her awake. "Babe it's late." She just stared at him with a blank stare. "Y/N?"

"I don't feel good."

He placed his hand on her forehead to check if she had a fever. "You gonna call your boss?" She shook her head. "I'll send him a text for you." She turned away from him and curled into her blankets more.

\\

When he made it back home he couldn't help but notice how quiet the house was. He made his way into their bedroom, there she laid cuddled with Thor as the tv silently played in the background. It was evident she wasn't paying any attention to it. "I'm back." Silence. "Have you ate anything?"

"M'not hungry."

"Y/N/N you have to eat something. It's almost seven." He motioned to his phone. "I'm gonna order some pizza, yeah?" She laid there not saying a word. He sighed in defeat, he made a quick call to their favorite pizza place.

He brought a plate over to her, "Here I have some work to finish." She didn't take it instead he set the plate on the nightstand hoping she would at least take a bite.

Y/N saw as Bill walked away for the eigth time that day. Her heart feeling much heavier now but she just couldn't bring herself to talk. So instead she laid there, blankly staring at the tv, just letting it play a random tv show.

\\

Day 3 [Anger]

Bill slowly opened his eyes letting them adjust to the morning light. He turned to look at Y/N but only found her side of the bed empty. He sprinted off the bed, "Y/N?" He heard clashing of dishes from downstairs. He ran down to see what she was doing this early in the morning.

She sat at the kitchen bar, a broken mug by her side. "Whats going on?"

"I can't get this fucking tea to taste right. "I can't balance out the fucking sweetness." She stirred the spoon in the other mug she had in her hands, she took a sip scrunching her face in disgust. She took the mug and set it down a little harshly into the sink causing it to shatter.

"Y/N, stop, I'll make you one just take a seat." She laughed, almost sounding maniacal. "You? You balance out my tea? You can't even balance out your work and your personal life, what makes you think you can balance out tea." She laughed at him, walking into her room and slamming the door shut.

Bill stayed in the kitchen to clean up her mess. He figured out why she had been acting out of the ordinary. She was having an episode, he wondered how long those lasted. He sent a quick text to Sebastian, Y/N's brother.

Ring. Ring.

Hey.

Is she having an episode?

I think so? Yesterday she was being super quiet and only uttered a word to me, didn't want to eat or anything. And not even 10 minutes ago she went off on me because she couldn't get the sweetness of her tea to balance out. She broke two mugs.

Just make sure to stay with her at ALL times. I'll be there in 10.

He was hesitant to open the door. He was scared of what she might say next or what she might do next. He sighed opening the door to their room, he found her laying on motionless on the bed with Thor by her side. Too afraid to how she would react if he sat next to her, he took a seat on the other side. They both sat in the room in pure silence, well until Sebastian called to tell him he was outside.

Bill went to open the door for him. "Hey."

"How is she doing?"

He closed the door behind Sebastian, "She calmed down I guess, she's in the room."

Sebastian motioned upstairs. "You mind?"

Bill shook head, "Nah man go ahead."

After about an hour Sebastian had emergered from their room upstairs. "Is she okay?"

"I calmed her down as much as possible. I gave her, her meds." He handed Bill the two orange bottles. "Make sure she takes these every four hours." Bill nodded taking the bottles, "Look man after this episode goes away you have to be there to reassure her. She told me she said some nasty things but its not her talking. You just have to understand. It can be frustrating but you just have to be there. And if this is too much for you then I suggest you start looking elsewhere because this is something she just has. Something that will pop up unexpectedly."

"If you need anything please don't hesitate to call me." Bill shut the front door and made his way to his bedroom. He could hear her soft snores from the door, he swept her hair away from her face giving her forehead a lingering kiss. "I love you Y/N. I hope you know that."

\\

Day 4 [Despair]

Today Y/N had woken up in a better mood than before. Bill sat on the edge of the bed talking softly to someone on the phone. He saw that she was finally awake, he quickly said goodbye to his brother and turned to her. "Morning."

She gave him a half smile, "Who was that?"

"Alex. He is hosting a dinner at his house for Valters birthday. He was asking if we were going but I figured we can stay in and watch a movie."

"You should go."

Bill shook his head, "I'll send him a gift."

"We should go," She got up from the bed, "I need to get out of this place anyways."

"You sure?"

She nodded, "Yes lets get ready so we can help set up." She grabbed her towel and headed to the shower. Bill thought that maybe the episode was finally over. He called Alex to let him know that they were going and if they needed anything. Alex sent him a small list of things he needed. Bill grabbed his wallet and headed to the store to grab the things for the dinner.

Y/N got out of the shower, she rolled her hair up in a towel to help it dry a bit. She went into her closet beginning to rummage through it to find a nice outfit. She tried on her entire closet before she found something she liked. It took her an hour and a half. Within that time Bill made it back home. He found her sitting on her vanity while her entire closet laid on the floor.

"She was wiping away at her face leaving it red. "I-I, This fucking thing just isn't working."

"What isn't working?"

"This fucking makeup, it's just not applying as it should. A-And this stupid outfit looks fucking hideous." She was in tears, "And this," she motioned between them. "isn't working either. I-I feel like I can't think straight and these emotions are getting so overwhelming." She pulled at her hair in frustration. "It gives me headache after headache and then I see you walk away each time a-"

Bill pulled her into a bear hug, he laid them both down onto the bed. He let her vent about how she had been feeling. Once he managed to calm her down he spoke up, "I'm here Y/N. I'm here and you can talk to me about how you're feeling. How all these emotions get overwhelming. You can vent to me about anything, anything at all. I promise to you I will always listen. I know how difficult these episodes can be but I want you to know that you are never alone, I will always be here for you because I love you, Y/N L/N."

"What if we stay in today hmm?" She nodded, "Lets go take a warm bath instead, yeah?" He pulled her towards the restroom, she got undressed as he drew the bath, he filled the tub with warm water and lavender scented bath bomb. He dimmed the lights and undressed himself. He got into the tub and sat in the warm water. Y/N got in after him taking a seat inbetween his legs, he wrapped his arms around her as she silently cried. "I love you." She whispered to him, he kissed her temple, "I love you too."

[codyfernmorelikedaddyfern]

My Much Better Half - Duncan x fem!reader

Hi Guys! Remember when I talked about the fact that I would write something about Xavier today?

Well here is a big old pile of Duncan Shepherd fluff.

Suggestions are more than welcome :)

Description: After feeling under the weather for a few days, you discover that you are expecting yours and Duncan’s first child. His reaction? Take you to Paris to celebrate.

Warnings: I wrote some much fluff that I might actually be ill. Also flashback smut. and then more fluff? And somehow it’s 4.6k+ words. Did I mention fluff?

Flashback sequences are in bold italic. Present day is in regular font.

You stepped in the elevator door, tugging nervously on your own fingers as you pressed the button to reach the top floor. Everyone you walked past gave you a respectful nod accompanied with a “Miss Y/L/N”. You had hoped this little visit to your boyfriend of 4 years would be a discreet one but for some reason, this time around, it looked like all eyes were on you and your legs nearly gave out under the weight of the crushing pressure.

You would usually enter the premises with your fingers intertwined in Duncan’s, his smile taking all of the attention off of the heavy title that was “Mr. Shepherd’s other half”. When it comes to exiting, the brunette would guide you straight to the underground parking where you would both jump in a car and get driven home to arrange his lunch and yours.

 Such appearances were rare and the need to leave in secrecy was nearly a must since every time your name was mentioned, a flock of paparazzi would welcome you at the entrance of the skyscraper and the anxiety and stress of being in all sorts of tabloids was not something you were looking forward to it. It was a lesson the both of you learned the hardest of way.

 A groggy Duncan woke you up as he slid out of your shared bed and you immediately informed him of your state. You had been feeling sick for a couple of days and silently prayed it was only due to undercook chicken from the take away down the road but when it carried through Monday, you noticed the clockwork pattern. Whimpering out of bed, you quickly dialled your boss, informing them you would not be able to come in today right before you spewed your bile in the porcelain bowl.

A look of concern shrouded you as Duncan swiftly came and rubbed your back, now covered in a thin coat of sweat. He had been supportive to your need to remain home and he promised he would keep his phone on loud so he would be able to quickly pick up your calls and rush home in case you needed him. “We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow if you don’t feel any better, okay, darling?”

 The ring of the elevator pulled you out of your stupor, a fresh gulf of air and busy office noise filling your ears and lungs. Any time you had to come in with your partner, you were always well dressed and your hair was neatly pulled together however you did not have the time for glamourous looks today.

You gingerly stepped out into the open plan office, stepping as confidently as possible to the large wooden door and heavily knocking on it. “Come in?” you heard from the other side. Your fingers wrapped around the metal handle of the door, pushing it open. One arm rested against the edge with the large windows of his office, the other wrapped around a glass of scotch.

 The creaking of the door twisted Duncan around, his usual relaxed expression lighting up his face once you passed the doorway, pushing the wooden panel closed behind you. Worry grew deep in your belly as you stepped towards your lover “Y/N! I wasn't expecting you!”, his lips delicately wrapped you in a tender kiss, dismissing the half full glass of whiskey to gingerly surround your cheeks, still cold for the outside.

Expecting was the only word you were hoping the brunette would avoid. “What brings you in my office, sweetheart? Is everything alright? Still feeling ill?” he perched himself on the edge of his desk, sipping on his scotch once more. “I need to talk to you about something” you bit your lip, trying to hoist yourself next to him. His dark brows drew closer in confusion and worry.

 “What's going on, honey, he asked, framing your face once more.

- We have a problem and I'm scared of your reaction...

- W-What do you mean? Are you- leaving me, he enquired, standing up and lodging himself around your thighs, his hands resting on your hips.

- Oh no! You replied. Duncan, I'm late.

- Oh, honey, It's okay, I'll call a cab for y-hang on...”

 It took a lot for you to not laugh at his naïve remark. His bright blue eyes widen in shock, his hands dropping from their perch as he gingerly stepped back. Worry grew inside your gut once more as he was withdrawing from you. “Y-You're pregnant?” he asked, trembling still. Averting your gaze from him, nodding. Gritting your teeth to keep your jaw from quivering in terror that this might be the reason why he leaves you. “I did three tests and they all came back positive”.

“And, it's- it's mine, right?” he asked again, taking a confident step forward to inch himself closer to you. “Of course, you idiot” you scoffed slightly, lifting your eyes to dive deep into the ocean blue of his own gaze. You trapped your bottom lip between your teeth, not surprised that he still had that effect on you even after he made you his so long ago. His beauty would never cease to mesmerise you and you couldn’t understand how in Heaven or Hell he ended up being yours.

“Honey, if you don’t feel ready, we can… wait…” you tried, the feeling of him slipping off of your grip still lingering in your thoughts. “So that means I'm going to be a father...?” he gasped, ignoring your remark, a timid smile crept across his face as you nodded just as sheepishly as he grinned. Duncan paced around his office, muttering some sort of plan of action on how he would break the news to his mother and mainly to the world.

He then paused his erratic prowling just as you noticed the tears staining his cheeks. He looked up at you and, not as good as you were at hiding your emotions, he burst out in a stream of tears, rushing against you to hold you tight and close in his warm embrace.

 “Have you ever been to Paris?” he asked and the next thing you knew, he was escorting you out of the large Shepherd Freedom Foundation building he had just spent the last 35 minutes blabbering about baby names and how you would decide on the education of your child and when you would start planning your next one.

It took all your efforts to bring him back down to Earth, where life was still going day by day. He excused himself as you both jumped in a cab straight to your flat.

You had approximated the night it had happened. You were both really goods with protection. You were on the pill and in dark times of needs, Duncan made a small stash of condoms. You vividly remembered a couple of weeks back, on your anniversary, when you had been busier cooking up a meal for the both of you than taking the small medicine.

 The sound of the door opening sent an excited shiver down your spine. Tonight would be special regardless of the outcome of your spinach lasagne. Tonight, you celebrated 4 long years of love and dedication to one another. Duncan's smile grew wide as his eyes met yours. You wore his favourite little black dress underneath the “kiss the cook” apron he had gifted you for your birthday a couple of months back.

A full dinner and one and a half bottle of your favourite red wine later, he was on you, ripping breathes and gasps out of your lungs. He had you exactly where he wanted you, in the largest crook of his heart and each passing day, you were gaining more and more of him.

It felt like the first time again. Your fingers trembling, the both of you heavily inebriated except that this time, you had gone through many more dates. This time, you had loved and fucked each other down to the bone.

And with a man as stressed and frustrated as Duncan, you found him pounding into you more often than not.

 This time, he took the occasion present in front of him and his fingers explored you all over again. “I’m going to make love to you so good we’ll need tomorrow off” he whispered in the shell of your ear, a slight groan mixed to the sounds of his voice. With a drunken and mischievous expression, you quickly took off, running all the way to the bedroom in a fit of tipsy giggle. His footfall were on your tail, a soft laugh escaping from his chest.

In your usual clumsy habit, you slipped against the wooden floor of the bedroom, caught on your way by the toned arms of your lover, a string of chuckles still pumping out of your chest. In a careful, but still buzzed, swoop, he lifted you on your bed and crashed a loving kiss against your plump lips. His hands trailed from the base of your ankle as your tongue fought his for dominance. Duncan’s digits grazed the fabric of your stockings all the way up to the thick elastic band concealed underneath the cotton of your dress.

“Fuck… The garter belt, my only weakness” he groaned, amused, pushing another few laughs from you as you innocently shrugged.

The naïve façade only lasted a second as you felt the sharp sting of the garter coming off and slapping your skin, pulling your lip between your teeth in a soft moan. He played with them, toying with your impatience, his kisses becoming more desperate by the second while you allowed him to peel off the stockings then freeing you from the soft pair of panties.

 He took in the view, a heavy sigh filling his chest. “You make me so happy Y/N, I hope you know that”, he planted his lips against the supple skin of your inner thigh, then again, half an inch closer to your core, and another one. You mentally counted the kisses, expecting his kiss to meet your heat but he instead repeated the painfully slow ritual of kissing his way down your thigh, this time on the other side.

“So do you, Duncan” you gently moaned as he brought his lips closer to where you needed him the most. You lost your fingers in his brown locks right before the pushed his tongue, flat, and incredibly hot, through the length of your cunt, tasting you like he had done so many times before.

 A loud drunken moan escaped your lips as he went against you again, this time pushing his stroke past your folds to caress the throbbing bundle of nerves between your thighs. A contempt sigh left him as he started to suckle on your labia, one after the other. Countless time, you reminded him to be gentle, that the slow and soft drove you up the wall, and he learned his lessons.

Practically making out with your clit, he languidly looked up at you as you twisted and arched under the pressure he was applying. A mixture of torture and absolute ecstasy. Your gaze met his as your coil started to wrap in your belly. His pace gently quickened while his hands drew incoherent shapes on the skin of your outer thighs.

As you were brought closer and closer to the edge with mix mixture of strokes, nips and suckling from Duncan, he pushed two of his fingers deep inside of you. His lips were gentle but his fingers were exempt of the rules, roughly pounding against your sweet spot and in a string of moans, the thread holding you tight released, the tension suddenly ceasing in a chain of twitches and trembles.

Shaking heavily underneath the brunette, fully surrendering to his mercy while his lips jumped up against your jaw, the pad of his fingers helping you ride out your climax. He groaned and grunted as your toes curled, your hand tightly gripping the sheet only to let them go and immediately grab at them again.

 “So god damn beautiful” he whispered, his rough brushes steadily stopping and withdrawing from you. Making quick work of your clothes, you were both rendered naked, exposed to each other once again. Still short of breath, your fingers drove down his chest, caressing every inch of his toned body. Getting lost in the darkness of the room, your delicate fingers curled around his throbbing shaft, pushing out a sigh from Duncan. “Tonight, I’m making love to you” he muttered in your ear, gingerly pushing your hand away before he lined himself up with your glistening entrance.

“Tonight, I’m worshipping you” he said again, easing himself between your supple thighs. Broken I love Yous stemmed in the middle of your pleads for touch. The harsh stubble of your brunette scratched the sensitive skin of your neck before small pecks covered your throat and shoulders. His hips brushed against yours while his hands languidly wrapped around your waist, holding you nice and close to him.

 Delicate and gentle, he thrusted inside of you, brushing your walls in a crackling of whimpers. You rarely heard these squeals coming from Duncan but whenever these sounds crawled out of his throats, you were encourage to remember you were the only one capable of making him crumble.

Pushing your fingers in his dark locks and drowning in the blue of his eyes, nothing else mattered. You just wanted him for all eternity and you prayed every day you would keep him that way. The sweat shrouding both of your figures as he languidly pumped in and out of your heat sobered the both of you. A spark of realisation burst in his eyes but you could not put your finger on it.

That look usually blooms when he realises he forgot to put a timer on the over or he left the light of the bathroom on all day. Whatever he forgot to do that night was quickly dismissed as the only thing that broke the intense gaze linking both of your minds was a deep and loving kiss. Full of passion, you both drunk the syrupy taste of your affection.

 His thrusts quickened while that bubble grew in your belly once more. Contracting the muscles in your legs first, the sensation intensified, then you clutched his back, pushing you one step closer to the edge.

Duncan became a blabbering and whimpering mess, mewling your name and profanities as he climbed his own slope of ecstasy. “I’m so in love with you Y/N” he moaned again and that was the only push you required to have you tumble down the cliff of your release. The coil snapped and your walls fluttered tightly against his hard shaft, squeezing him so hard it was nearly painful.

 His harm reached up to grab the already broken wooden headboard of your bed, his digits grappling the material and violently yanking on it, shattering a new piece that would be tossed to the floor as his large cock spilled heavily inside of you. Heavy panting and loud moaning pulling the both of you to ride your climaxes.

 The driver looked back at you in the rear view mirror, apparently waiting for you to do something. “Y/N? Are you alright, darling?” Duncan pulled you out of your day dream and gently out of the car, holding your hand securely. “I was… Thinking, sorry” you excused yourself shyly while following the brunette to your apartment. Leading you into the foyer of your flat, he closed the door behind his back, lingering there as his eyes trailed against your, watching you walk into the living room.

 “Baby, he announced as he quickly stepped in the room behind you, if you don’t feel ready or if you are worried about it, I need to know.

-I-I’m fine, Duncan, I promise. But I still need to wrap my head around it.

- I’m right here if you need, okay? I just want to make sure you’re comfortable with the decision and the change but ultimately, I will support anything you chose to do.”

 His eyes planted into yours, your let the cold blues wash over you as you gently smiled and nodded. If this were to happen with anyone else but Duncan, you would second guess the outcomes however, you were sure about the choice you were both going to make in welcoming a new life in the world.

Before you knew it, you were already buckled in a plane, flying over the large body of water separating America from Europe. You had never been to Paris before and you didn’t think you ever would due to the multitude of unexpected calls both you and your lover would be subjected to but when it came to celebrating, your partner knew how to surprise you.

And before you knew it, the bumpy landing of the plane rattled your bones awake. Fatigue was definitely one of the symptoms you were experiencing in the very early stages of your pregnancy so sleeping through the flight was no issues for your tired body working so hard to make your womb the safest place it could be.

 You didn’t realise how lit up Paris was. It wasn’t called The City of Light for nothing after all. Duncan had apparently planned it all out. He brought his mother along with the both of you, expecting to announce the beautiful news of the pregnancy to her in an over the top manner like he was used to doing even if you had the sneaking suspicion, he had something else planned during the short trip you engaged in.

The night you both came out to the public after over a year of dating behind closed doors, he had taken you on a red carpet for a gala you were the furthest from being interested in. As if parading you around and introducing you to his peers as “This is Y/N, my much better half” was not good enough to announce to the world the blossoming passion between the two of you, he had organised the most beautiful fireworks you had ever seen.

It’s on that night he knew he loved you, his eyes devouring your from head to toe and it had not escaped his mother’s watchful eyes.

 Watching him grow closer to his mother was a beautiful change you were happy to have made blossom. The three of you made your way out of the small plane, entering the privately hired car Annette had taken care of. It was like the both of them had plotted this long ago.

Exploring the small streets of Paris all the way to the hotel room you would reside in, a series of hushed speeches took place between Duncan and his mother. Unbothered by it, you gentle slipped in and out of consciousness as sleep gained the better of you. You woke up in Duncan’s arms as he gingerly carried you through the halls of the hotel to rest you on the large bed before peeling your shoes off and tucking you in.

 “She must be drained if this is the first long distance flight she experience, Annette whispered.

-That’s why I didn’t want to wake her up, the male hushed, pushing a few strands of hair away from your face before standing up and walking towards his mother. Thank you for helping me organise this, mom.

-Don’t mention it, Duncan. I just hope you’re sure about it and that you are ready.

- I am, mom. I’ve never been more sure.”

 You dozed off again, the words broken and blurry in your ears. The soft kisses of Duncan across your shoulders woke you up as the gentle sunlight warmed your intertwined bodies. He had swapped your travelling outfit for some of your comfortable pyjamas while you rested peacefully. His toned arms pushed your back closer to his chest, breathing the soft scent of your skin. You could feel his smiling lips against your lips. “Rise and shine, beautiful. We have a busy day ahead” he whispered, painfully releasing your limbs from his embrace.

Oh how you loved how close he would hold you down in the morning. The tickling of his stubble teased you awake most of the time and you would remain laced within each other for as long as you could. The love you had for each other was so pure and beautiful.

 Walking from shops to shops, Duncan showered you in attention and gifts. When his mother joined the both of you for lunch, you offered for her to join the both of you in a few shops, hoping to watch your boyfriend and his mother bond some more in this beautiful.

 “That would be lovely, Y/N, Annette smiled warmly,

-We should be on our way already if we want to visit the last couple of shops on our way. Mom booked a table for dinner, Duncan stroked your hands as he motioned to the waiter for the bill.”

 You made your way out of the small restaurant, ready for some more shopping with your boyfriend, his mother hooked to his arm. It took about an hour for him to invite you in the large stores he had in mind but there was one he planned on bringing his mother to. Walking up the busy street, the brunette pointed at the neon sign in top of the shop. “Petit Bateau”. Annette look at the façade then back at him in confusion.

“Let’s have a look and pick something, shall we?” he enquired, smiling wide at his mother. Her brows drew closer, perplexed by his question. “I think you’re past the age of wearing bibs, Duncan” she scoffed, unsure on what to think. That’s only when he looked back at you, his smile growing only wider that his question started to click in her mind. He held out his palm to you, inviting you to join his side and you sheepishly stood by him, clutching his fingers with your clammy ones.

 “What does this mean” she wondered again, taking a careful step back as the tall frame of your boyfriend gingerly pulled you closer to the store. “Y/N is expecting” he announced in a small chuckle, her eyes growing further in disbelief. “Come on” he carried on, walking you inside of the store, his mother in tow, still shocked.

Your fingers unlaced from your man’s as you went alone for your own little wonder. Looking back shortly after, your gaze fell upon the tender embrace of Annette and her son, tears spilling from both of them. A silent exchange of words then took place before the tall brunette eagerly shook his head, wiping his teary eyes. His attention turned to you and he smiled fondly at you.

 You had not bought anything today and if you were to spend anything, this store was the one. You looked at the multitude of tiny coloured socks, browsing through swaddles and onesies while your fingers absentmindedly brushed against your belly.

The comforting arms of Duncan wrapped around you as you turned around, holding what you thought was the most adorable little ensemble to proudly show it to him. “That’s lovely, sweetheart, but I’m afraid we are starting to run short on time” he hushed you. You placed the new born outfit back and settled for a soft pyjama. As you walked towards the cashier, Annette met you with a tight embrace, whispering gentle words of encouragements and congratulations before taking the small hanger from your hands.

 Besides your protest, she purchased it, seemingly beaming of happiness and pride as she looked back at her son, the same look plastered on his face as he admired you. Slowly making your way to the car in a comfortable silence, you laced your fingers with your boyfriend, exchanging mischievous looks and cheeky smiles. The destination was a total mystery to you but as you watched the Iron Lady growing taller in the horizon, you started to wonder why you had not imagined that Annette would book at table on top of the Eiffel Tower. Guiding you to the small lift and grabbing at your hands, you felt your lover grow nervous, his eyes lost in the breath taking view of Paris’ horizon.

 Puzzled by the clamminess of his hands, you brought your palm to his cheek, feeling him melt into your loving touch. His gaze fell onto you and he took a deep breath as he read through your soft features. “You are so beautiful” he said as the lift reached the peak of the tower. Keeping your digits in his grasp, he invited you to step out of the elevator, following below you. Annette was waiting by a table, looking at your entrance. She motioned towards a corner that had no tables. “Let me take a picture of you two in front of the view!” she rejoiced, holding her phone up.

Your lover’s hands held on your waist as you walked to the decorated corner. Some soft music was playing in the background and you stood in position to let his mother snap a picture with you. She gave a discreet nod to her son as he slowly turned towards you, grabbing your delicate hands and bringing your knuckles for a kiss.

 “Y/N” he began, the clamminess of his hands had returned, if not worse this time around. “You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. I have never loved anyone as much as I’ve loved you and I knew from the moment I saw you watching the fireworks on that night we made it official that I had fallen in love with you and the privilege of having you now carry my child is the biggest honour I could receive” tears slowly piled at the edges of your eyes in realisation. You looked at him, watching his cheeks getting stained by salty streams of his own. “But I have another favour to ask you today, darling” he spoke in a halted breath before dropping to one knee, quickly retrieving a velvet box from his back pocket. His fingers reached up to yours again, his eyes now pleading and loving. “Y/N, will you do me the honour of become my wife?” he softly asked, displaying the stunning ring sitting in the cushioned box he now had opened.

 The ring was dainty and gentle, radiant with beauty. Lost in his eyes, you quickly wondered, how in the world would you even be able to say no? Nodding vigorously as your cries got muffled against his lips in a passionate kiss, he pulled away from you shakily reaching for the ring inside the box to slip it on your finger, a happy sod ripping through his chest as he smiled even wider.

His face turned to his mother, who was covering her mouth to muffle her own tears, and he gave her the dorkiest thumbs up.

She lowered her phone, which had been recording and rushed to hug the both of you tightly, letting a small weep escape her throat. “Welcome to the Shepherd’s family, Y/N” she said, touching your cheek warmly.

 “Oh, Annette, I’ve felt like part of your family from the day Duncan took me on our first date” you chuckled, looking at the ring then back at your, now, fiancé. Leaning in to drop a gentle kiss on your forehead, he bit his lower lips to hold back his grin. He had secretly worked on this whole trip for over a year and he meant to unfold it all for your anniversary but forgot about it’s date however, that was a secret he was willing to take to the tomb.

[eldritchsurveys]

1086.

1 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Do you like snowy weather or is it just a pain? >> I want to say... about three weeks ago? That’s my best estimate, it’s hard to remember. It’s a pain when the snow starts sticking and then turns to dirty slush in the roads and makes sidewalks annoying to walk on and all of that.

2 - Are you expecting any parcels in the mail right now? >> Just the crystal I ordered a couple of weeks ago. Which I now regret ordering after reading an article about the crystal industry, but I can’t blame myself for what I didn’t know at the time.

3 - How long is it until your birthday? Do you have any plans for the day? >> About five and a half months. I cannot plan that far into the future.

4 - What was the last thing you had to drink? >> Water.

5 - Do you need to do any laundry right now? >> Yeah, and it’s getting done tomorrow.

6 - Who was the last person you got a notification from on social media? Is this person a close friend of yours? >> ---

7 - Do you regularly buy things on credit? If so, how much do you owe on credit cards right now? >> I don’t buy anything on credit because I have none. My first experience with credit is with Azathoth, my gaming rig, but that’s on Sparrow’s credit (I just give her the money every month).

8 - When was the last time you got a call from an unknown number? Did you answer or call them back? >> All the calls I get are from numbers I don’t recognise, and at least 90% of them are spam. I don’t answer my phone.

9 - When was the last time you got off work early? What was the reason and did you do anything fun with your extra free time? >> ---

10 -  What do you typically eat for Christmas Dinner? Are you the one who cooks or does a family member do the cooking? >> ---

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you get out of bed right away? >> I woke up at 5, dozed off again at around 7, and woke up for good at around 8. I think. That’s my best estimate for how that happened.

12 - Do you have any plans for the weekend? Are these plans typical for a weekend or are you doing something different? >> Just the usual things -- groceries, laundry, gaming.

13 - Would you like to work a job that involves going in and out of other people’s homes all day? (Like care work, painter, decorated etc.) >> No.

14 - When was the last time you had an injury? Was it a minor cut/scrape or something more serious? What happened? >> I had neck pain a couple of weeks ago, probably from sleeping a little wrong for more than one night in a row.

15 - Do you ever watch movies or TV shows that require you to read subtitles? >> I watch everything with subtitles, because it helps me process dialogue (and because sometimes my auditory processing is laggy, or the sound is unbalanced and the spoken parts are too quiet, or there might be accents I have a hard time parsing, or the standard “this is not in English” reason...).

16 - What accents are your favourite? >> ---

17 - How many people have you text today? Are these people friends, family members or something else? >> Zero.

18 - Are you any good at DIY? What was the last DIY project you finished? >> I’m sure I could be good at it if I tried, but I don’t have the motivation. I did start a new knitting “project”, but I put that in quotes because I’m not really trying to make anything specific. I just like doing the stitches, it’s an excellent rhythmic activity.

19 - When was the last time you had a haircut? Wen was the last time you dyed your hair (if you ever have)? >> I buzzed my head last week. I last coloured my hair like 3 years ago.

20 - Do you prefer wearing tight-fitting or loose-fitting clothes? >> Loose-fitting, but not to the point where it’s just way too big for me.

21 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? Is the heating or air conditioning on to contribute to that feeling? >> Just right. The heat isn’t on in this apartment but I think the apartment below us has theirs cranked up and it’s seeping up through our floor. We rarely have to turn our heat on except when it’s very cold out.

22 - What was the last piece of good news you received? Was it expected? >> I don’t remember.

23 - What colour socks are you wearing right now? >> ---

24 - Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? What about hot tea or iced tea? >> I prefer hot beverages, usually.

25 - What are some of your favourite Christmas songs? What time of year do you start listening to Christmas music? >> O Holy Night, Carol of the Bells, All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, and most of Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas stuff. I start listening in earnest as soon as the Thanksgiving Day Parade is over.

26 - If you see cats wandering about in the street, do you stop and fuss them? >> I rarely see cats wandering about in the street. I think I would just pause and say hi, but I wouldn’t really linger unless the cat actually approached.

27 - Speaking of cats, do you own a cat? Are they a particular breed or just a moggie? Would you ever want a specific breed of cat at all? >> I live with a cat because Sparrow got one. I think he’s just a regular shorthair. I don’t really care for cats as much, so I wouldn’t get one myself, but I think Abyssinians and calicos are neat.

28 - When was the last time you moved furniture around to clean behind or underneath it? Do you need someone’s help in order to do that? >> I move the coffee table when I vacuum, but that’s about it. I’d really like to move my desk out so I can vacuum behind it at some point, but it’s just so fuckin complicated to do (and I’m always afraid of accidentally harming my computer) that I never do it.

29 - Do you have any medications that you need to take daily? Is this something you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life? >> I take the Pill daily, and I take CBD daily but that’s not an absolute requirement. I just got used to doing it and I think all in all it probably works best when the levels are consistent. I don’t know how long I’ll end up taking the Pill for, but if I have to take it until menopause, I guess I will. I doubt I’ll ever be able to afford surgery or anything else more permanent.

30 - Do you know how to start an open fire and keep it burning without using loads of wood? Is this a skill you use on a regular basis at all? >> I know some of the fundamentals of fire-building, but it’s not something I practice, so I’m not sure of my actual skill level in that department.

[crushedbyhyperbole]

Promises - Chapter Five

Chapter Summary:  Salaciously the seduction goes down.  The situation and the proposition have Bucky feeling uncomfortable.  What can he do when he's simultaneously offered something he's always wanted and put in a position to lose it all?

Warnings: Drunkenness and bad flirting.  Did I mention the flirting is terrible XD

PROMISES MASTERLIST  |  MAIN MASTERLIST  |  MOBILE MASTERLIST

Belated Prologue Pt 4 - The Proposition

In the morning, Bucky woke up to the smell of coffee brewing.  Izzy stood in his open-plan kitchen hunched forward and leaning against the counter for support.

She must be feeling real rough, Bucky thought.

“Morning.”  His voice was croaky with sleep.

“Morning.”  Izzy didn’t even have the energy to be startled. “Coffee?”

“Please.”  He sat up and allowed himself a moment before standing to go to the bathroom.  The last thing he needed was to be exhibiting morning wood to his guest.  “There’s bagels in the fridge.”  He said from the bathroom before closing the door.

 Izzy looked cute with her hair all tousled, and ridiculously comical with mascara smears under her eyes. Bucky smirked at her when he accepted the mug of coffee from her.

“What?”

“Nothing.”  He smirked again as she checked her reflection out in the chrome surface of the kettle.

“Oh, fuck you!”  She rolled her eyes and turned her back.

“How you feeling?”  He asked after his cup was half gone.  His caffeine levels were directly proportional to the amount of socialising he was prepared to do first thing after waking.

“Peachy.”  Sarcasm exuded from her tone.   “I had a wonderful night.”

“Yeah you seemed to be enjoying yourself until some point down the I495.”  Bucky smirked into his cup.  “Wanna tell me what happened with Brad?”  He’d gotten the drunk version last night but the sober version would be more reliable.  “Was it really that bad?”

“It’s not bad like ‘I propositioned my best friend for sex’ bad or anything like that, but it’s pretty bad.”

Bucky didn’t know whether to laugh or be shocked.  So he did both.  Practically inhaling his coffee and spluttering into the cup.  It wasn’t exactly a voluntary choice.

Izzy looked concerned for a moment until Bucky held his hand up to say he was ok.  He wiped the coffee off his chin before looking at her with a sad smile.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.” She had tears in her eyes.  “You were so good to me and I had to go be a pathetic, whiny, needy mess.  I didn’t mean to push any boundaries.”

“I meant what I said.” He spoke quietly.  His heart was hammering in his chest; excitement, terror, and more.

“Huh.”  It was more a surprised noise than a query.

“I said I’d think about it. And I would still do that.”

“You also said you’d get a pinky promise tattoo so is that still on the cards?”  She laughed mischievously.

He could tell it was a deflection and he didn’t care.  He’d have her however she chose to be with him, obviously the more of her time he got, the better.  He’d get a tattoo for her, no questions asked.

“What if it is?”  He teased back.

She laughed, grinning big. “Oh Barnes, you’re so gonna regret saying that.”  She tried to hide her amusement in her cup just like he had, but her smile made her eyes twinkle in just the right kind of way that had him staring at her, wishing she’d look at him like that for ever.

“Yeah, yeah, bring it on!”

 The tattoos became a reality.  They both got the word promise tattooed on the inside of their right pinky finger in the Izzy’s cursive handwriting.  Steve became part of the pact too, which made Bucky feel it was a little less special but he approved nonetheless, and it did take some of the tension out of it for him. Having her handwriting tattooed on his skin bound her irrefutable to him.  He needed only to glance at it and he got a tingly feeling in his stomach. It was like her mark on him, permanent and heart-felt.

It was a couple of weeks after that when the whole friends with benefits thing came up again.

 Izzy was at Starks with a few of her girlfriends from the office.  The tall blonde with a huge rack had been hitting on him at the bar all night and, although Bucky had no qualms bedding someone who pursued him that hard, he didn’t want to mess with any of Izzy’s friends or colleagues.  He loved and respected her too much to do that. Despite the blonde being salacious, he had to decline.

Bucky came over to the table to collect empties and to check in with Izzy.

“You good?  Need anything?”  He asked, leaning over to scoop up a few bellini flutes.

“We’re getting table service from bar manager Barnes?”  Izzy was practically flirting with him.

“You came over to see me, didn’t you, sugar?”  The blonde, Claire, said as she seductively trailed her finger around the rim of her glass.

Bucky laughed short and nervous, his adam’s apple bobbing slightly before his tongue made a quick pass of his upper lip.  He felt so damn uncomfortable.  A quick glance at Izzy revealed her amusement.

Well, this is going to get more awkward before it’s over.  He thought with a sigh.

“Would you be a darling and rustle up a couple of my favourite cocktail?  No one in the whole of New York makes them like you do, Buck.” She bit her lip purposefully, glancing down to his mouth and back up to his eyes.

He frowned slightly. Very confused.

What the hell kind of game was Izzy playing?  This was uncharacteristically flirtatious, forward, predatory, whatever the hell you wanted to call it; this wasn’t normal.

Bucky nodded slowly.

“You better leave me a good tip though.”  He winked at the other women, suddenly feeling like it was a game he’d been enlisted to play.  He didn’t want to make Izzy look stupid so he decided he’d bite.  “You ladies got to appreciate a man with skills.”

That got a titter of giggles from them all.

 Delivering the cocktails himself had been a bit of a mistake.  The ladies insisted Bucky sit with them a little while and Izzy was more than happy to continue tormenting him.  She teased her cocktail straw with the tip of her tongue before taking it between her lips for a sip, eyes fluttering closed in pleasure, a little nasal moan escaping before she swallowed.

His palms were getting sweaty just watching her.

“You’re so hot.”  One of the ladies said, leaning in to touch his thigh.

Bucky laughed, looking down and shaking his head, embarrassed.  Women had told him that before but he’d never sat at a table with the girl of his dreams and had other women try to bed him.  This was all too much.

“That’s the cocktails talking.”  He deflected.

“Cock-what?  Yes, please!”  Someone said, earning themselves a round of lewd laughter.

There was no hint of jealousy in Izzy’s face or her body language.  It was like a neon sign to him that she didn’t feel anything other than something platonic for him.  She was watching him, intrigued and mischievous.

“Just feel how hard that is.”  The woman said, inviting the others to touch his leg.  “All that perfectly toned muscle.”  She sighed.

“What would it take for me to have you in my bed tonight?”  The blonde, Claire, was relentless.

Bucky blushed hard, laughing again as his nerves got the better of him.  Izzy shouldn’t be okay with this, he was supposed to be her friend and he was uncomfortable as hell in this situation.  He wished he hadn’t played along in the first place.

Shaking his head and with a bashful smile he could barely make eye contact with any of them. Blushing hard he protested. “Stop… You’re making me blush.”

That earned him a round of ‘awww, so cute’ from them all.  He really couldn’t win.

Izzy’s eyes hadn’t left him and when he stood to leave, making excuses of tending bar and cleaning up, she followed him to the bar.

“Can I get you something?” He was a little short with her but she didn’t notice.

She had seemed only tipsy at the table but now he saw she was pretty damn drunk.

“Remember that conversation?”  She said playfully.

“Which one?”  They’d had thousands of conversations over their many years of friendship, he probably could remember all of them but he was clueless as to what she was getting at without a pointer or two. “The one about the end of the world? Who we���d have on our team?”  That was one from a couple of days ago.

“No.”  She was deadly serious now, it gave him chills.  “In your room, the night you picked me up from Long Island.”

“Oh.”  Suddenly the air was oppressive and his mouth dry. “Um, okay, yeah.  What about it?”

“I’ll be wanting your answer now, Barnes.”

He kind of liked this side of her, boldly asking for what she wanted.  The way she looked at him then sent a tingle over his scalp and down his spine right to his cock.

This can’t be happening.

“Right now!?”

“Right now.”  Her lips curled subtly in a lopsided but flirtatious smile.

“You’ve been drinking and I would hate to take advantage…”  Bucky trailed away as Izzy shook her head.

“Who’s taking advantage?” Her laugh was bright and completely her.  “You did not just see yourself get torn to pieces by that pack of lionesses over there.”

She had a point but still, he wouldn’t feel right about this at all.  It had to be sober or nothing.

“What about the rules?” He became aware of a customer waiting. “One sec.”  He gave Izzy a placatory look.

 Bucky filled the order and came back to her a few minutes later.  She’d finished her drink and pushed the glass towards him, slowly, her fingers trailing up the stem through the condensation on the side to the rim where she circled with her index finger.  Her tongue slowly traced her upper lip as she stared him down.

Christ!  She was trying to seduce him.  Not trying.  Succeeding.  What the hell was this?  What had changed?

“Rules, you say?” Even her voice was pitched lower, more sultry.  “I can do rules.”

Maybe he should just tell her that she didn’t have to make all this effort, that he was hers already and always would be, for as long as she wanted him to be.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.”  He chuckled ironically.

“So it’s a ‘yes’ then?” Was that hope he saw glint in her eye?

Had he said ‘yes’? His answer should be no.  Their friendship might get ruined and then he’d be without her in his life at all.  But then again what if she grew to love him, was that not worth a risk?

“Conditional approval, pending suitable rules.”  He couldn’t help the playful smile that spread across his face.  “And sobriety.”

Izzy was smiling too and she looked stunning, stood there with flushed cheeks and twinkling eyes. Maybe drunk was a good look on her, hell every look was good on her.

I’m so fucked.

“You’re gonna make me wait for it?”  She teased but seemed more than a little disappointed.

“Damn right I am.” Bucky flirted.  “I’m not the sort to put out on the first date.”

“You totally are!” Her head dipped forward as she laughed, snorting like a pig in the middle which made them both laugh harder.

“Alright, alright, so maybe I am.”  He chuckled as she came down from her laughing fit.  “But you shouldn’t.”  And he was serious again.  “Text me tomorrow when you’re not drunk.”

Izzy actually groaned in frustration.  What had gotten into her?

“Now, go on!  Scoot.” He flapped her away from the bar with both hands.

His face burned but not as much as the fire in his chest.  Simultaneously terrified and excited, he could barely focus on his work for the rest of the night.  Tony grumbled that he wasn’t giving the customer his full attention, and the old man was right, Bucky wasn’t.  He put on a smile when his whole soul was racked with bewilderment.  He didn’t know if he wanted her to forget what she’d asked of him or if he wanted her to take this idea of hers in both hands and never let it go.  One thing Bucky knew for sure, he was never going to be able to say no.  Not to her.  Not ever.

Continue to chapter six >>>

A/N:  I just want to say thank you to anyone who is reading this.  I kind of feel like this things is a giant flop or that Tumblr still hates me and won’t let any of the chapters for this show up in searches.  But if you are reading, I won’t let this be a forgotten work because the story is so close to my heart.  If I do lapse though, feel free to kick me up the arse.

Tagging @renxzs​ because you are so invested already and I love you for your dedication to this thing <3

[thegreenmeridian]

@victorian-sexstache did a thing and I’m bored so I’m doing it too.

1. what color is your hair brush?

I shave my head, so I don’t have one

2. a food you never eat?

Fish. I do eat seafood though.

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

Too warm. Always too warm.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Playing solitaire on my iPad

5. what is your favorite candy bar?

Anything Reeses

6. have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

Yeah, I used to go watch the Eastbourne Eagles speedway team a lot. I miss that, speedway is awesome.

7. what was the last thing you said out loud?

“Hello babycakes” to my cat as he climbed over my head

8. what is your favorite ice cream?

I had apple strudel ice cream in Ramsgate as a child, I still think about that.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink?

Backwoods Bastard beer

10. do you like your wallet?

It’s alright. Just a regular wallet.

11. what was the last thing you ate?

Dry cereal. It’s call Havre Minifras, and it’s pleasantly bland.

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

My husband got new swim trunks so I got his old ones, if that counts?

13. the last sporting event you watched?

The 2018 Winter Olympics

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Salty-sweet. Or the weird cheese dust stuff Iceland has.

15. who was the last person you sent a text message to?

The husband

16. ever go camping?

Yeah, I got dragged to camp sites as a kid. Never liked it. I don’t wanna have to put on shoes and walk somewhere to take piss and I really like having an actual bed and not having to fuck about with calor has to eat.

17. do you take vitamins?

Yeah, I have chronic B-12 deficiency so I have to have ass injections occasionally.

18. do you go to church every sunday?

No, I wasn’t raised in a religion and I’ve no interest in joining one now. I went through a Unitarian phase for a couple of months after a bad breakup in 2015, though.

19. do you have a tan?

I have two settings, deathly pale or 2nd degree burns.

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

These satisfy completely different needs for me so it’s impossible to compare. Also I’m British so obviously my favourite is Indian.

21. do you drink your soda with a straw?

Nope

22. what color socks do you usually wear?

I have two kinds of socks. Nike trainer liners and some Kirkland merino wool boot socks. These are the only socks I buy. So I basically just have shittons of each.

23. ever drive above the speed limit?

I don’t drive, so no.

24. what terrifies you?

Spiders.

25. look to your left, what do you see?

An X-Files ‘I WANT TO BELIEVE’ poster my husband got me for my birthday a few years ago.

26. what chore do you hate?

All of them.

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

Neighbours, and to a lesser extent, Home and Away

28. what is your favorite soda?

Ginger beer or Burn energy drink.

29. do you go to a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

I think I’ve been to a drive through maybe once in my life.

30. who was the last person you talked to?

Husband again!

31. favorite cut of beef?

I’m not much of a beef person and when I do have it, it’s in burger or stir fry chunks form. Horse is vastly superior.

32. last song you listened to?

September by Earth, Wind, and Fire

33. last book you read?

Learning Teaching by Jim Scrivener. It’s basically the TEFL bible.

34. favorite day of the week?

I’ve been unemployed for ages so time has no meaning for me.

35. can you say the alphabet backwards?

Probably not, my brain does not work that way.

36. how do you like your coffee?

Whatever the hell they serve in Lviv cafes

37. favorite pair of shoes?

Some Sketchers slip-on trainers

38. at what time do you usually go to bed?

My sleeping pattern is fucked, I went to sleep at like 1400 yesterday

39. at what time do you usually get up?

And I woke up at 2300 so yeah

40. what do you prefer: sunrises or sunsets?

I’d take either right now, we don’t get proper darkness this time of year in Iceland and it is not helping with my sleeping problems

41. how many blankets are on your bed?

A duvet. I am always confused by this, do people have blankets in layers in America? Do you guys not have duvets? Also what is a comforter?

42. describe your kitchen plates?

White, mostly. They’re not mine, I live with my in-laws

43. do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

Whiskey sour, egg white and all.

44. do you play cards?

Sure, why not

45. what color is your car?

I don’t drive but my husband’s car is white

46. can you change a tire?

Yep!

47. what is your favorite province?

Ima presume this is Canada related and I’ve never been so I’m just gonna day Nova Scotia because me and him have considered moving there.

48. favorite job you ever had?

Unemployment.

49. how did you get your biggest scar?

I have a dent in my palm from falling over at school and getting a rock jammed in it, then digging it out myself with a compass.

50. what did you do today that made someone happy?

Well it’s 4am here and I’m home alone but I did make the cat very happy with an ear scratch.