#out of fear that if you had they wouldnt have hurt themselves or you

[tabbytiger]

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[theoldoor]

Hello tumblr it is your daily dose of fenrot (fenrir brainrot)

On today’s episode we return with more kakavasha x fenrir / aventurine x eifenhe THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG ONE PLEASE BEAR WITH ME

Thats it

Thats

Literally what they are

—- Aventurine’s part… this one is rather shallow i need to work on it more

Kakavasha aided Fenrir greatly by accommodating his partial blindness by being his eyes in talia, they were an inseparable duo. The thief and the getaway driver. The distraction and the agent. Etc… Well mostly due to obligation to the other party, but the obligation soon grows to be affection and they were doing it willingly without being asked.

Obligation as in Aventurine needed a guide to live in Talia and Fenrir needed a pair of eyes to navigate through Talia so it was initially just transactional that they helped each other as they both win. You know, a good deal also comes with some other gifts and that was their growing affection for one another. Platonic, family whatever the relationship status is they will still care for each other unconditionally at that point, even if they were enemies.

Aventurine, then was Kakavasha and Eifenhe was Fenrir. They have both left their past behind, recycled what their scars had taught them to knowledge to survive in that deserted plains. I think that’s a beautiful thing to Talia as well. The junkyard of Galaxy where everyone cared for survival, your past wouldn’t matter, as long as you live that’s all that matters. Maybe that’s why Aventurine/Kakavasha thrived there, and so did Fenrir. They could literally just renew themselves, in exchange of dropping their humanity for the sake of survival. But that is a trade which they have no power to decline - Talia gives you no other choice but to survive.

—- but Talia is not total rebirth, it’s recycling

“In your distance, I find my desperation.”

“In your closeness, I find my fear.”

One would still have scars of their past, and that is exactly what Fenrir and Aventurine/Kakavasha had as their obstacle

Fenrir - cares for other to distract himself from caring for himself because he’s to afraid to confront his own issues as he knew it would be a hard thing to accomplish, and he’s scared to open up because what if other will think of him differently? What if they think he’s disgusting?

Aventurine - distance from others so that he wouldnt hurt them by making them care because he believes he’s not worth being cared for. Aventurine wouldn’t open up either for somewhat of the same reason.

Both seeks to be understood but refuse to be weak.

—Put this in a scenario

Be mean or be quiet.

Fenrir, he would want you to be mean. Cruel even, hurt him or kill him. Just don’t stay quiet and let him care.

Aventurine, he would stay quiet. He would let himself rot, to be hurt, to die. Just to free the others from the hassle of dealing with him.

Desperately helping an individual who believes there is no cure is a good trope but i need to figure out how to write it. Or like the Doctor is sick with the same illness trying to treat the patient who believes the cures the doctor is saying is bluff because he has the same illness. Lol.

—- Fenrir’s part —-

No matter how ‘ruined’ and ‘broken’ a temple is, as long as there is faith, there will still be respect and devotion and that is Fenrir and Aventurine.

Fenrir will not stop loving others, he will devote himself to everyone and anyone - as long as they return affection and acknowledgement but not too much. Make sure to run, make sure to keep him on a hook because if you shower him with love, he’ll think it’s fake and run away himself. So Aventurine distancing himself actually works :P

BEAR WITH ME— AVENTURINE AS THE RUINED TEMPLE

Aventurine, when he was with the clan and was full of potential, waging with luck but is now only a shadow of that former self as he is invalidated and traumatized through his past with slavery and now burdened with being in the IPC - his constant smile hides a fractured soul, much like the crumbling walls of a temple that concealed its past glory.

The constant distance he kept from others to protect them from the burden he believe he would put on them would make him seem unreachable. And his first-impressions is like this all out brazen-bravado guy that you admire ties more to the ruined temple as the place was once a place of reverence, maybe people could tour outside, but left in desolation once you look closer due to its unstable structure within.

We all know Aventurine’s past - the stories of bloodshed, etc. Much like the old relics in the ancient temple that held stories of a fallen glory. Many people would see it as “just an empty and dusted relic”, which is what Aventurine would probably see about his past as well, nothing of value. But to historians, the scholars, it is a blessing to find fragments of its story. And also, the avgins being ethnically cleansed… oouuuHHHHHG AAWWDD - Rich of history and honor, yet scarred and hidden from plain sight.

NOW ONTO FENRIR’S PART- FENRIR AS THE FAITH

It’s… literally his character. The devoted. The dog that follows.

Fenrir’s tendency to prioritize others’ needs over his own is a clear example of his unwavering faith and devotion. He will search for the good in things to believe in them, yk’know the stupid dog, even in things that are inherently bad. Much like a believer that see divine in a place of worship, even if their faith is in the wrong place, even if the place is in ruins - his faith in Aventurine’s potential and his commitment to staying regardless as he saw Kakavasha before Aventurine, despite that he’ll be hit with the latter’s distance and fears for his closeness.

Within Avidity (talia clan), Fenrir is established to be a caretaker, mediator and a restorer of sort. His care is a reaction to distract himself from the main issue, himself, but also a sort of hope - to bring back Kakavasha, revitalize that young and hopeful spirit even after he knew how it had grown to Aventurine. A devoted prayer fixing the temple for their faith. He will not keep praying to the broken temple. HE WILL BUILD IT FROM SCRATCH IF HE MUST.

This also carries on to Fenrir’s constant chase for validation. Despite Aventurine’s retreat and the metaphorical crumbling of his defense, Fenrir would always chase to support him. If a devotee’s know that their object of faith is crumbling, they’ll still persist to maintain their belief. Fenrir is devoted to Aventurine, affectionately but borderline religiously… :freaky:

— FOR THE BOTH OF THEM:

The interdependence:

Aventurine and Fenrir depended heavily on one another, whether if they like it or not. It was Talia, the Kingdom of Banditry, the Junkyard of the Galaxy that they live in. The place was cruel and they must rely on one another to live.

Similarly to the temple and the devotee, they cannot exist meaningfully without the other.

Religious trauma (my thoughts are trailing off FFAWWWK)

Aventurine’s religious trauma and Fenrir’s atheism… hehehahauahAAAAAUUUGHH

Fenrir never believed in Aeons, gods or whatnot. Well he knew they existed, but he did not put faith in them as he knew they would do him no good due to his past of trying to rely on them but they all ignored him. However, he betrayed this belief for Aventurine. He believed in Aventurine, devoted in even. (Ok this soudns kinda toxic but BEAR WITH ME ITS NOT ITS AFFECIONTALEY)

But his belief is out of a imaginary salvation or blessing, he believes in Aventurine so deeply is because out of his own personal conviction and trust for the man. He believes in Aventurine because Aventurine heard him while no one else had.

And Fenrir, as mentioned above, he won’t use some divine blessing as protection. He doesn’t believe in that. He will go head in, he will build the temple (aventurine lol) back up, brick by brick bare hands if he must. He is practical, as taught by living in Talia.

Aventurine would of course notice the devotion to him, and obviously gets reminded of his past and the Giathra Triclops… eheheheuh…. But what separates them is that, Fenrir relies on him - not any other force. The place is being restored not through divine intervention, not from others, but through the personal effort of Fenrir.

(Ok fuck im rambling im trailing off now but WE GOT ONE MORE SECTION TO GET THROUGH - THE BROKEN MIRROR X FRAME AND SPEAKER X FLY WILL AND FLAG POLE X WAR TORN FLAG WILL COME TMR!!!)

—- THIS WILL BE A SHORT ONE DEAD LANGUAGE X LINGUIST

Its similar to the ruined temple and the devotee, but this one reflects more onto their post-talia time and more direct considering their post-talia quest is Fenrir and Aventurine shit talking in Avgin sigonian and everyone is trying to figure out what the hell theyre doing because everyone is freaking out as the room theyre trapped in is being infiltrated by a Riddler.

Within Talia, their dependence were a necessity to survival, but now they’re back on their feet theyre justttt chillinggg.g

—-

FUUUCKK OK READ THIS ONE CUZ IM TRAIING OFF, IN CONCLUSION FOR THE DEAD LANGUAGE X LINGUIST

- Literal and direct connection to Avgins and Fenrir’s dedication for linguistics (he wrote a dissertation about the Avgin-Sigonian dialect as a thank you gift to Aventurine)

- Fenrir having a PhD in linguistics and Masters in Archeology -> a literal linguist and historian

- Aventurine being guarded and of a ethnically cleansed race -> a dead language, full of mystery and history

- Fenrir’s patience and persistent efforts to understand Aventurine -> understanding a dead language, reviving lost words and tales from Aventurine

- A dead language is useless to most people. But to linguist they’re a treasure -> Aventurine thinking he dookie but hes literally Fenrir’s everything + Fenrir will love regardless Aventurine for Aventurine, regardless of relationship status and if he could use Aventurine or not

Ok im logging off now brainrot is enough

—— scrapped but i like to include this in for lenght

Its obvious, Aventurine is the dead language, once vibrant and full of meaning but now lost and obscure. Also direct reference to the Avgins being exterminated.

+ His past of being guarded makes him complex and enigmatic, much like an ancient language.

Fenrir, having a literal PhD in Linguistics, its so obvious with this one lol. Now that he doesn’t need to build up Aventurine or anything, he takes his time to still devote to the man by understanding him. He wanted to understand Avgin-Sigonian partially because its his chosen field of interest, but also, he wanted to understand Aventurine. (And the Riddlers are trying to ruin the last bit of Avgin Sigonian, despite being in the same faction, Fenrir does not want them meddling with the few last trace of Avgins cuz… aventurine)

It’s not necessarily reviving Avgin Sigonian, it’s more like Fenrir comprehending the language to make sure, even if there were no more speakers, the language would be written in history in a way. Fenrir trying to understand Aventurine’s structure through the language now that he’s no longer a need, but a want for Aventurine lol so he needs to make sure he’s still relevant to Aventurine in a way. (Ok im trailing off a little too much here.)

[maxbuck]

a lot of people fundamentally misunderstand seth as a character which is Fair its wrestling it doesnt spell it out for you like a tv show, but it does irk me alittle. shes not a Good Person by any means but shes also not . evil? She doesn't take joy in hurting people Especially not the other shield members. After the attack on them ends she just holds the steel chair in her hand staring at it in something between dissociation and regret immediately. Its heavily implied if not outright stated that Hunter talked to her for Months before plan b was put into place so to speak. And it didnt start out with hating on the other shield members because she wouldnt have let that slide. It started out with questioning if shes worth something without them, or if they need her at all. It starts with the fact that seth has had to play mediator for months as the other two get more volatile. It starts with seth leaving mid match, hunters words in her head, and them doing fine in the tag team without her. She says she sacrificed herself to help them work themselves out, and while how she did it was selfish that was truly her intentions. Shes a deeply self sacrificial borderline suicidal person in how she behaves at all times, not caring about the personal harm. As the time goes on hunters words seep in and she allows herself to imagine a world where she isnt just one of the shield and shes worth something. Because she doesnt think she is. And of course when she leaves, she just is a tool for hunter instead of the team, but that was never her plan. She left because of her own insecurities and fears and genuine beliefs of self worthlessness and while its implied in a lot of promos its flat out stated in the comics. I did what i had to do because i saw it coming. I did it so no one would get rid of me first. Its only ironic after the fact when hunter disposes of her the same way she'd imagined the shield would. She cant take back whats already been done though. Again ive talked about how i dont like her smiling in this rendition, but its also more similar to an imaginary version in her mind of what occured. Her wearing her own merch pants instead of the shield vest. The casual cruelty. A projection of everything hunter wants her to be and she cant live up to. She failed the shield the exact opposite of how she failed hunter and it haunts how she behaves currently. A desperate search for her own person while still only acting for approval of the crowd, of the titles. Who is seth rollins? Well. She doesn't really know the answer to that does she.

[decaydanceredacted]

all of you who want to be raped need serious mental help. And all of you want to rape people need to be put in a cellar 6 feet under. "Oh its just fantasy 🥺🥺🥺" whether you like it or not, "fantasy" leads to action. Fantasizing about rape isn't fucking normal and wanting to rape someone could lead to actually trying to rape someone. Personally if i ever had a fantasy about raping someone and it aroused me at all (which it wouldnt because im not R Kelly) id fucking kill myself. You guys creating an echo-chamber or this is awful. How hard is it to keep you fantasies consensual? Why must you guys support rape? Rape hurts people it isn't "sexy" lack of consent isn't hot. I know that you guys only live on the internet so I don't expect you guys to understand the fact that rape is actually harmful and traumatized people, but it does. It isn't cute or funny and I highly doubt any of your favorite band members would like to hear about you people thinking about raping them or being raped by them. "But they wouldn't like sexual fantasies anyway!!!" Most of them laugh it off but talking about wanting to rape them is actually a threat whether you mean it or not. And calling them rapists negatively frames their characters. None of the people you guys fantasize about would take advantage of people. Why do you want to flanderize them so badly? If people said that they fantasized about being raped by me I'd scrub my body till my skin started bleeding and falling off. If these people have found this blog before, they can find it again.

Heres an article about how fiction affects reality although I highly doubt you guys will read it: https://www.nydailynews.com/2015/02/23/university-of-illinois-student-said-fifty-shades-of-grey-inspired-sexual-assault-prosecutor/

Ps. @fobdeaddove or whatever your name is I hope every cramp I've ever gotten during my period is passed onto you every second of everyday so that the rest or your life you're hunched over in severe stomach pain. You're the worst

This is bullshit, here's (a shortened version) why

whether you like it or not, "fantasy" leads to action

i fantasize about killing my boss but that doesnt mean im actually gonna do it dumbass

And calling them rapists negatively frames their characters. None of the people you guys fantasize about would take advantage of people.

so you agree? even though someone may eroticize rape/kidnapping/etc in the stuff they write, that doesn't mean they would actually take advantage of people irl?

I read your article. That's wilddd, you mean a very very poorly written book that displays awful bdsm etiquette, is universally HATED by the kink community, and encourages *actual* irl rape, not irl cnc, contributed to a rape?

Here's another article for you, and a couple quotes from it (emphasis mine):

According to one study, 62 percent of women report rape fantasies. But researchers suspect that number is actually much higher, with many people too ashamed to admit they are aroused by such scenarios; in particular, women who have been assaulted and raped in the 'real' world.

Clinical sexologist Dr. Claudia Six says first and foremost it's important for rape survivors to know there is nothing shameful about having rape fantasies.

Six and Castellanos say enacting rape fantasies in search of liberation is not uncommon among rape survivors, who try to master their trauma by turning it into something positive. And it can yield positive results: “If they play out a rape fantasy and don’t get hurt or scared, [and] they only get aroused, it creates a positive interpretation of the action,” Castellanos says. "The fear and uncertainty gets replaced with an erotic association.”

[...] having these fantasies as a rape survivor is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re “sick,” or a “bad feminist,” she says. Most importantly, "There's no shame.”

I mean ultimately it's like. You know what you sound like, right? You're telling people to kill themselves because of things they thought about. Please get a fucking grip. I'm going to block you now ✌️

[nolsaesthetic]

Hi all! I've been kind of obsessed with Good Omens lately and decided to maybe write a fic about my favorite angel and demon (we all know who I'm talking about)

Since the second I watched the show, I always thought they would make wonderful parents. So here's an excerpt based on that concept!

Crowley burst through the bookshop doors. He was extremely reluctant to come back, especially given the last time he was there. 

They have replayed the scene a million times in their head. Everything she couldve done better, different things she shouldve said, the  anger, hurt, and disappointment that she had felt... 

The demon forced all those emotions down as he frantically looked around the shop. Having kept in contact with Muriel for emergencies only, Crowley panicked the second he had heard he needed to immediately return to the shop. She'd feared the worst, but, as she searched for the danger, she soon came to the realization that nothing perilous was occurring. There was no fire, no damage to the books, the shop looked exactly the way they had left it. 

Taking a moment, Crowley took a breath. Almost instinctively, they reached up to take their glasses off before stoping themselves. Sighing, he let the doors swing shut behind him as he entered in search of Muriel. Just because the danger wasnt as immediate as she had thought, doesn't mean it wasnt there. 

Muriel was soon found in the backroom of the shop. They had long switched their completely white constable outfit for a tan pleated colored skirt, button up, and jacket. 

Although all seemed well according to Muriels usual body language, they seemed to be watching something. 

Following the gaze, Crowley's eyes landed on the floor, or rather, the person sitting on the floor. 

There sat a child. Looking no older than nine, she was coloring what seemed to be stars on a sketchbook. Having noticed Crowley coming in, the girl stood up and dusted herself off.  

She wore a black dress along with a pair of tights and dress shoes. Her outfit was accented with gold, a ribbon tied around her waist and a bow that held back her long blonde hair from getting into her face. But what was the most striking about her was her blue snake eyes and the pair of wings that sprouted from her back.  The feathers were unlike anything Crowley had seen before, being mostly white they faded into black towards the ends. 

Softly, the girl smiled at Crowley, revealing a pair of fangs that looked like a snakes.

"Hello, my name is Eden! What's yours!?"

As she waited from a response, Eden observed Crowley. Suddenly deciding she liked him, she hastily picked up her drawing and showed it to them.

"Look! I drew the stars! Ive never seen them myself.. but I saw them in pictures! Do you like it!?" 

Crowley was still standing in shock. He had never seen any creature like Eden before, he wasnt really quite sure what she was in the first place. 

"Yes.. well um- very nice." They complimented the drawing before turning their attention to Muriel, who was now staring back at them. 

"Could I have a word with you? In the other room." She quickly asked the angel standing across from her. 

"Alright then!" Muriel cheerfully replied before  walking out into the main space with Crowley. Eden watched them go before sitting back down and returning to her drawings.

Once they were a good distance away from the backroom, and Crowley was sure the child wouldnt hear them, they started to question Muriel.

"Who was that?" He whisper shouted, extending an arm in the direction they'd just come from. 

"That's Eden!" Muriel happily replied.

"Ya, I gathered that! But why is she here, is that the emergency I was called to handle?" 

"I'm under strict orders from the Supreme Archangel.." Crowley glanced away when they mentioned Aziraphale, glad that the sunglasses meant Muriel couldnt see it "..to ask you to watch over her!" 

"...what?" 

Suddenly, the two were aware that Eden had wandered into the room. Having heard the last part of the conversation, she stared up at Crowley. 

"Are you Mr.Crowley?" She questioned, her eyes very obviously filled to the brim with joy.

In resonse, Crowley just noddded.

Somehow more excited now, Eden procurred a letter and held it up to the demon.

"I was told to give this to you!" 

Cautiously, Crowley took the letter out of her small hands. On the envelope it displayed the writing 'for Crowley' is a fancy, almost cursive handwriting. They immediately recognized it as Aziraphale's.  Hastily opening it, Crowley began to read.

She hoped it would reveal some answers she desperately wanted. Who exactly was this child? What was this child? Why was he expected to watch after her? Why this so soon after their fight? 

But above all they hoped it mentioned something about them. Does Aziraphale hate her now that she refused to go to heaven? Are they even friends anymore? Why did he leave me..

‐------------------

Dear Crowley,

           I know you probably don't wish to hear from me at the moment, but this is important.  I have reason to believe that the child, Eden, may be important to us in some way. I had found her in a remote corner of heaven where only the archangels and metatron have access to. The poor thing was in a cage. After looking through her file, it seems to me that the miracle we split to disguise Gabriel may have had more effects than we thought...

I couldn't stand to see a child like that, so I've cleaned her up and sent her your way. I know you have it in you to care for her. Somewhere deep down, you are truly good. I'm afraid I won't be much help as I'm preoccupied, though I will keep my eye out for any clues.

Her file informed me that she is half angel, half demon, and can be harmed with both holy water and hellfire, so please do be careful. Through my questioning, it seems she is unaware of much in the world. That's all I know for now.

                                               *Yours*, Aziraphale

-------------

It took Crowley a minute after he was done reading to tear his eyes away from the paper. It left them with more questions than answers. She wanted to frown, smile, yell, but instead she just tucked the piece if paper back into the envelope and shoved it in their jacket. 

Looking back up at Muriel and Eden, he saw Muriel just happily staring at him, waiting for him to say something. Eden was doing the exact same, almost mimicking Muriel.

They sighed and stated down at the child, putting a smirk on their face, Crowley reached down and ruffled Eden's hair. 

"Guess I'm stuck with ya, kid" 

-------------

I hope that wasn't too atrocious, I didn't do much editing. If you're curious, I was using she/they/he pronouns interchangeably for Crowley, they/them for Muriel, he/him for Aziraphale, and she/her for Eden, if that was a bit confusing, let me know! I know none of them really have gender and Crowley and Aziraphale often switch how they present, I chose to switch Crowley's up more, though, because we see them present differently more often in the show. Any feedback is helpful! ♡

[heyyallitsbeth]

Trigger warning for self harm, eating disorder and suicide references Okay I've seen some serious stuff an uncomfortable amount in the past few weeks so i need to talk about this. A lot of men have been opening up about loneliness and this recent exposure of it has been called the "male loneliness epidemic". and ive seen a concerning amount of people talking about how its just men making themselves victims, or how theyre just incels. And guys. Guys.

Men can be victims of toxic masculinity.

The facts are, men are far more likely to commit suicide than women, as well as develop drug addictions and alcoholism. Men on average also have smaller friend groups than women. And this all stems from toxic masculinity, bottling up emotions, not being able to open yourself up to others, to make those connections and develop healthy coping mechanisms. People end up turning to drugs and self harm as a result, since they think nobody will care. And why wouldnt they think that? Society has drilled it into their heads since birth. Men are always told to tough it out, to suck it up, that tears are weakness, that boys dont cry.

I'm a trans woman, I remember distinctly all of these phrases repeated by adults, teachers, parents, friends. It's especially worse in western society like the UK and US where physical affection like hugs are far more uncommon, especially for men. I first experienced depression when i was in middle school. And despite trying to talk to parents and counselors, my condition wasn't taken seriously until I eventually had a full breakdown and passed out from not eating in highschool. Personally, I am very lucky. Two friends were able to saved me from a suicide attempt by calling me and talking me down in time. And I only reconnected with that friend due to my transition. We were able to reconcile about arguments in the past and moved forward becoming good friends. The other friend I only met because of my transition. My friend group grew when I was a girl, it was easier to be open and honest. If I was in the same spot only a few years prior, I would have been dead.

And people are making fun of these guys for opening up like this now, saying everyone is lonely, that its not a uniquely male experience. Like you do realize you are QUITE LITERALLY proving to them what they've feared, that nobody cares. And people are always saying "oh this is a trend why is this the first time people are talking about this". Maybe its because we just went through a period of isolation and that time locked in their rooms caused a spiral of depression that made them reflect on their lives? Maybe because as a whole we are experiencing a mental health crisis worldwide? Maybe because through the modern internet we've never been more connected than now?

Yes men have privileges, that doesnt mean that they dont struggle and have issues too. Their opportunities and privileges do not negate their struggles. Toxic systems hurt everyone.

Personally, I'm now doing better, although sometimes I do slip into that deep depression, but I have better ways of fighting it now. And I'm lucky to have some friends who I know truly do care, as well as a loving partner. And while they dont follow me on tumblr, I just wanted to say, Thank You to Evan and Shi.

[raveneira]

Eu não estou acompanhando mais B0rut0, só vendo alguns spoilers que aparece de vez em quando (e me deixando cada vez mais decepcionada com a história medíocre e satisfeita por ter abandonado), mas eu estive pensando sobre a atuação de Shikamaru como Hokage. Qual é a sua opinião sobre as ações dele como 8° Hokage? Honestamente, para mim, Shikamaru parece um Danzo um pouco mais agressivo e astuto ao mesmo tempo, e se for comparar com a nossa história mundial, Shikamaru seria um presidente republicano, de extrema-direita disfarçado de direita moderada, porque Shikamaru sabe lidar com política e é menos burro do que Trump, Milei (Argentina) ou Bolsonaro (Brasil)

I think Shikamaru's rule as 8th Hokage is abysmal which I definitely agree is more on the republican side. Shikamaru's reign is closest in line with Tobirama which we all know how that turned out, there was some good but hes the one who created hostility within the Uchiha clan from how he handled them after the 9 tails attack. Yes he didnt want another Madara to happen but by doing so he made the Uchiha resent them from being put under constant watch and scrutiny, they werent even allowed to help in the second 9 tails attack because they feared they would take over the 9 tails, which put the village in even more danger and caused even more casualties by not letting the Uchihas get involved just because they THOUGHT they might do something. If a gang of Uchihas jumped Obito and tamed Kurama themselves Kushina and Minato probably wouldnt have even died, but they were SO fearful of them POSSIBLY doing something [following Tobiramas mindset] that they ended up screwing themselves over in alot of ways and creating the very hostility they were trying to avoid.

Shikamaru is very much that kind of leader, from the very beginning he didnt trust Kawaki and was always at his throat for whatever petty reasons he could think of, accusing him of crimes he never even committed because he just ASSUMED he would just because he could even though hes done nothing but been on the villages side up till then. Yes Shikamaru wasnt entirely WRONG that it couldnt have all been an act to gain their trust but he shouldnt just ASSUME that to be the case right out the gate and be hostile with him before hes even sure of his betrayal.

Shikamaru doesnt think twice about pimping out a kid to the enemy if its to the villages benefit, he pretends he doesnt mean to impose on his person feelings yet thats exactly what he did, he made a deal with Ada to trade Kawaki in exchange for her switching sides and told Kawaki to just deal with it and play nice not giving him any say in the matter and just deciding all of this on his own then springing it on him all at once, acting like hes sorry when he really isnt.

When Kawaki warns Shikamaru that he senses Momoshiki up to no good, instead of hearing him out he tries to emotionally manipulate him by using Narutos face when he killed Boruto to get him to stop, but this only made the situation worse as it just made Kawaki go talk to Naruto and Hinata directly to tell them what he plans to do out of respect for that being their son, if Shikamaru had listened to him instead of guilt tripping him then Naruto and Hinata never would've gotten thrown to the shadow realm because Kawaki's focus was on Boruto, Shikamaru is the one who brought Naruto into it making Kawaki go confront him instead since like Shikamaru said, thats his son, so its only right for Kawaki to go discuss it with him before he does it since he knows how much its gonna hurt him when he does.

Up till that point Shikamaru had been extremely hostile, insensitive, and downright aggressive with Kawaki, which only made him already feeling like he didnt belong and wasnt accepted even worse because even tho the Uzumaki fam, team 7, and team 10 all told him this was his home and considered him their family/friend, it didnt mean anything when you had ppl like Shikamaru at his throat making him feel the opposite.

In 79 Shikamaru shows his biggest display of incompetence by asking Kawaki what he did, and when he doesnt get the answer he wants to hear he just calls him an irredeemable bastard when once again, he doesnt even know what he did yet and just automatically assumes the worst because of his own bias against him, the same way Tobirama had a bias against Uchiha's except for the few he liked like Kagami.

Shikamaru has seen first hand how much Naruto means to him, he even has a whole convo with Amado about how overly attached Kawaki is to Naruto, so for him to even THINK Kawaki brought ANY harm to Naruto is just straight up ridiculous and 0 IQ thinking, which is beyond OOC for a character whos IQ is over 200.

Instead of immediate hostility he should've been asking about what Kawaki meant earlier, why did he think Momo was up to no good? what did he sense? and defuse the situation by telling him along the lines of that he KNOWS he would never hurt Naruto so he knows whatever he did that Naruto is safe and ask him WHAT exactly he did, then Kawaki might've been more inclined to tell him since he isnt just downright attacking him and not listening to him. Its been shown time and time again that when people listen to Kawaki he is usually cooperative, but if your hostile and accusatory towards him then he just gives back that same energy, and Shikamaru has been hostile towards him since day one so theres no surprise he didnt answer him when he asked what he did to Naruto.

Then finally the biggest incompetence on Shikamaru's behalf is literally relying on Ada instead of his own sensory team, he doesnt KNOW Ada at all and has no way of proving if what she says is true or false because hes not even having it double checked. He has the Yamanaka just be human telephones when they can literally sift through someones entire brain to gain all kinds of intel and see if their lying, the Inuzuka and Aburame could iterally track down Boruto and Sasuke easily if he wanted em to, he aint need to rely on Ada but he did, he should've had Ino and the rest of the Yamanaka pick Ada and Amado's brains to see if they were tellin the truth and if they refused then take that as them having somethin to hide.

Shikamaru doesnt even question Ada telling him that Boruto [Kawaki] killed Naruto, he just believes it even though that doesnt align with anything he knows about Kawaki up till that point, him killing Naruto never should've even been a thought as a possibility, he should've immediately thought 'No that cant be right...hes way too attached to Naruto to ever do that'

No amount on omnipotence counters hard evidence, Sasuke realized it when he saw Boruto with his headband and sensed Momo inside him, Amado realized it when he saw Kawaki's enhancements and knew they were done by him, so Shikamaru should've realized that Boruto [Kawaki] would've NEVER killed Naruto under any circumstances no matter WHAT Ada said, he should not have just taken her word on it, on ANYTHING without sufficient proof.

The fact that he trusted Ada and Amado faster than he did Kawaki, which was never, is absolutely astonishing and a real showcase of his bias towards on particular person. Notice how even as the 8th Hokage now he makes NO exceptions for Boruto, yet Amado still gets to be active in a lab just under survellience now AND allowed there alone with a kid, and Ada can just roam freely around the village despite her charm ability enchanting everyone who sees her which just puts more and more ppl in the village on her side that'll do whatever she says now if she ever choses to go against Konoha, they cant just attack civilians so it'll be a very difficult situation to navigate.

Atleast I will say Amado is being watched, but Ada is walking around unescorted with zero restrictions, yet when Kawaki first came to Konoha Shikamaru wanted to lock him away in a secure location because they didnt know who he was or what he might do, but Amado can just get away with being under survellience and Ada doesnt get anything and is just free to do whatever she wants, but Kawaki even BREATHED funny or acted even a little outta pocket or hell if he even just THOUGHT Kawaki was up to no good this is how he was treated.

Keep in might this is AFTER he just got finished telling Naruto not long ago that Kawaki was justified and that this was something Boruto asked for to protect everyone.

This is the one and only time he defends Kawaki but then he backtracks immediately, showing that he didnt actually mean what he said but was just trying to get Naruto to act to take down the threat, but in all honesty Shikamaru saw Kawaki as a monster who killed Naruto's son and would do anything to achieve his own goals, rather than being just a misguided kid doing what he genuinely believes is right for the good of Naruto and Konoha even if it means killing Boruto against their wishes. Kawaki actually has more of the Hashirama mindset, which kinda explains why him and Shikamaru clash similar to how Hashirama and Tobirama would over their differing ideologies.

Tobirama was strict and tough and had clear obvious biases that resulted in alot of things going badly because is his extreme methods of trying to prevent it actually making what he feared happen.

Hashirama was more chill and open minded, he didnt have a bias and wanted to Uchiha to be treated equally, he even wanted Madara, an Uchiha, to be the villages first Hokage but he was denied the position because of peoples bias towards the Uchiha and they all preferred Hashirama and named him the first instead despite his protests. But in the end Hashirama as much as he loved Madara as his dear friend he made it clear that be it his friend, brother, or even his own child, he will not hesitate to kill anyone who is a threat to the village.

Kawaki has the Hashirama mindset, he will kill anyone, even his own brother for the sake of Naruto and Konoha, as cruel and as heartless as that sounds it is not wrong, Madara was a threat to the village and couldnt be reasoned with so no matter how much Hashirama didnt WANT to do it he had to kill him, the same applies to Kawaki with Boruto, no matter how much he doesnt WANT to do it he HAS to because of the danger he poses to Naruto and the village that nobody but him is taking seriously and willing to act on.

THIS is what he does to Kawaki just for thinking he did something bad

And this is what he does seeing Boruto literally taken over by Momoshiki and helping Kawaki escape

Literally no reaction at all, not even a mention of wtf just happened, just 'everybody go get Kawaki!' like mf did you not just see Momoshiki casually take over and help him escape? why is this ok with you!?

But again its just another prime display of his bias towards Kawaki. But the biggest show of his bias is his response to what Kawaki did which at this point he still didnt know WHAT exactly it was that he did.

This baffoon puts out an execution order ON A CHILD that he doesnt even know what crime he even committed yet, he could kill Kawaki for something as tame as what he did, which is sending him to a timeless dimension safe and sound, and Shikamaru is having him executed as if he committed genocide like Itachi. The fact that he doesnt even KNOW what Kawaki did yet is so quick to kill him speaks volumes of just how biased he is against him.

Because no matter WHAT Boruto did or WHAT harm he caused Shikamaru NEVER held it against him or gave him any punishment, hell he literally gave Boruto the hero treatment AFTER HE STABBED SASUKE'S EYE AND NEARLY KILLED THEM ALL but Kawaki who LITERALLY SAVED THEIR LIVES got nothing.

And now 3 years later hes still ignoring any arguments of his innocence because he is just THAT BIASED that he's willing to not question ANYTHING just so he doesnt have to let up on the kill order. No amount of arguements from Sarada and Sumire were enough to sway him, but now that AMADO is ALSO saying something now he wanna listen? the bias he has for which enemies he listens to and which he doesnt is insane.

So you wanna know my thoughts on Shikamaru as Hokage? I think hes abysmal, he has such a vast and highly efficient sensory team that he doesnt even use and relies on the enemies word over all else, the Yamanaka are no more than human telephones who have literally listened to Sarada and Sumire's entire conversation about omnipotence yet never reported it. Shikamaru is Hokage yet Kawaki is out there danm near running the village by himself and ordering Shikamaru around like hes the kage, which just shows even more of his bias since he thinks he's Boruto, so if Boruto was as bold as Kawaki is he could run Konoha WHILE still under the threat of being taken over by Momoshiki with zero opposition and everybody would just fall in line. I dont think Shikamaru stans understand just how hypocritical and incompetent this makes him look.

He has the biggest piece of hard evidence to prove if Kawaki is really Boruto or not and thats the shut down function Amado mentioned, the hardest evidence that Shikamaru absolutely CANT deny because Amado literally TOLD him this is the key to settling any doubts once and for all but Shikamaru never even considered it because he really WANTS to kill this kid, he doesnt want anything that could prove his innocence no he wants him DEAD and he refuses to question anything that might give him a reason not to.

All in all Shikamaru is a buffoon and a disgrace to the Hokage seat, hes like Tobirama if Tobirama was completely incompetent in everything he did, and Kawaki is like Hashirama but to a greater extreme, this is explains why him and Shikamaru clash but that in no way justifies his blatant bias towards Kawaki and the hypocrisy on what lines count as treason worthy of execution and what can be excused.

I dont blame you for dropping the sequel, I myself wish I dropped it earlier WAY before I got this far but now that I've stuck by it this long I might as well finish it, so to anyone who drops this sequel Im here to tell you ya dodged a bullet because this is some steamin hot GARBAGE. Now I see why Kishimoto didnt wanna do a sequel, because he had no idea what to do with it and neither did the ppl he left in charge of it. Its a hot mess and he knows it and thats why he refuses to acknowledge its existence and is only around for other series or just Naruto related stuff. Anybody who believes that man is writing when he wont even SPEAK on it is beyond delusional, idc what any third party says, if the man himself aint comin out an sayin it then Im not buyin it, his name isnt even on the cover as writer, just creator/supervisor. Just stop it.

[sumbier0]

Just watched Nimona. Im feeling so notmal rn [lying throught gritted teeth]

I quite literally knew NOTHING when I decided that I will watch it.

Got suprised positively and felt so many feelings so many times. This was so enjoyable and just done with care? I have many thoughts but I dont know if I could put them all into comprehensible words. Just. All topics were handled beautifully.

I literally got attached to characters less than 10 minutes in. Help me

Some Spoilers beyond this Point

The villain. BOY THE VILLAIN. I hate her so much she got what she deserved <4 I loved how she was written. She believed eveything she was Fed. She lived in fear that consumed her and she was willing to kill innocents for that. She went so far she didnt even want to consider going out of her bubble. Also she could be classified as a twist villain, although its easy to figure out it's her. Even if its not a twist for audience its a good twist for characters + she gets so much time to shine too.

The ending. I understand how some people I guess could say its anticlimactic because Nimona comes back [we don't see her but Its pretty clear lmao]. Personally for me its not an issue, she went through so much and deserves to be happy too. And see that people like her now :] Although I wouldn't mind more tragic ending either, it just wouldve hit me with more sadness than a lot sadness -> sudden happiness spike

At the start of the film I was so so glad that Ambrosius wasn't the 'priveledged guy thats an asshole to the main character' and instead they were lovers :] But also at that point said 'I hope there wont be any falling out!'. Top 10 sentences said minutes before disaster

Also if you could've seen my reaction to nimona and gloreth stuff. Boy I went absolutely insane.

On the topics handled well. I think how they handled opression was really good. They showed how it affects everyone. Even the opressed themselves, that try to find a place in such society, try to have Faith in the system that fails them[ commoners, Ballister]. How at the earliest stage possible people are already influenced into such mindsets. How some people are so firmly set in those beliefs they wont even consider they're wrong. And also the worst of opression, violence, and how it not only hurt Nimona physically, but also how it scarred her mentally.

Some negative beliefs were reinforced for so long, and spawned different kind of negative beliefs. And opression

And I think throughout the movie, you REALLY get how ingrained negative beliefs are in everyones minds.

Further to me, the change of this whole kingdom for the better didnt happen too quickly. Trying exposing the Director ended with her quickly swaying people to her side again, when she played the monster card.people so quickly also believed that such a commoner as Ballister would kill the Queen, which probably wouldnt happen if it was someone form the Noble bloodline... okay its not related exactly to what I started talking in this paragraph. Fuck, people had to see how for this belief that monsters are terrible, the one in power is willing to kill them, along with the monster. And in this situation the monster saved them.

Like also those are circumstances that absolutely would lead to a change I think. There were probably some people in denial but I doubt for long? Authority of power and beliefs risked their people's lives with ease when it came to actual danger. Although the focus should have been on protecting the people, as it always was said before, in the end it all went into killing 'the bad'.

[Um i hope I put this into comprehsible words and that I got the meaning I wanted in there]

I enjoyed the animation, design and music too! Also this world was really interesting, medieval combined with futurism. Really neat worldbuilding!

And last thing, comedy was great >:]

Anyway I hope you enjoyed my incomrehensible ramblings. Bows

[dirtyhends]

I never had someone i loved betray me before, cause i don't love people i just pretend to love them i have stopped myself from dying multiple times just for the hope of you, is that not beyond fucked up? i keep having dreams about you coming to apologize to me i frankly don't care about anybody else i really don't all the people we had around us al our shared friends i dont give a single fuck about them i liked them but i never really cared that much about them so i wasn't fazed with them leaving me as much as you betraying me destroyed me i don't care about what you did more than the act i feel like i am now unable to tell or share anything in fear that it will be used against me, i wonder if you know that i wrote down about you in details every time we met in my diary, and i am not even a writer but i wanted to remember those moments i also wonder if you knew how much i bragged about you to my mom and every time she would mention her best friend and her fighting i would say yeah i can't relate to that "you" would never do that to me i often wonder if i might've given myself bad eye and 7sedt rouhi i've always found excuses for you even when you made me feel small even when you were inconsiderate of my disability even when you made an instagram video about me and talked shit knowing i wouldnt know the content but little you did know that one of your so called friends pretty much captioned it for me word by word but even then i still thought maybe it's not me! thats not about me! she would never do that to me i thought that nothing could come between us, i'm not a good person not a good friend and i am aware of that but i tried my best to be one with you, it's weird even now i find myself crying wondering where did i go wrong convincing myself that i don't care about you but i do, you were my entire fucking world the only person i can be transparent with without feeling judged but now i'm aware that you were probably judging me every single time and it honestly kills me, i keep reading my diaries reading my words about when we met how clean you smelled how fun you were how beautiful and fashonably dressed you were how i felt like i could be myself around you and it drives me nuts to think i was and still feeling all this love for someone who didn't even pause to give me the benefit of doubt and i don't know how to stop feeling this way, even our other friend i didn't care about her it actually susprised me how i didn't give her a second thought or any of the other ones i guess i never held them in the same scale as you, to me what we shared was unsharable but we did share it anyway, i keep replaying every conversation every moment spent together everything you told me wondering where did i go wrong, the day you told me you attempted to kill yourself i was worried sick i started crying on facetime with my friend who lives in a whole another fucking contient just to now worry you and freak out on your face i don't feel bad about suicide or about people who feel urges to kill themselves o often struggled with feeling empathy for the suicidal because i have been feeling that way for as long as i can remember but the thought of losing you is what made me lose my mind maybe i thought about it so much that i manifested losing you in some way could that be the case? at the end i only wish i had closure it's okay i am okay with letting you go and i am okay with you not loving me the way i loved you i only wish i had closure cause i am tired of thinking but i guess we don't all get what we wish for huh? i only wish i could hate you but it's okay because i think hating you would hurt me more than whatever this is.

—

September 2023

[eurydices-carnation774]

Stars shine the brightest during a supernova

this is crossposted from ao3

warning there is one misspelling i only corrected on ao3 and not my notes so i dont remember where it is, ignore it

this fic is gonna be 10x better if youre listening to first love/late spring from mitski while reading it

also if you take this in a shipping way i will personally murder you

as much as we dont want to admit it, the most powerful moment for everything in the universe is when they are the most vulnerable. The most common example of this would be a supernova, a stars death. As dust clouds drift away from their original position, the former star gives off bright light, light so bright it would blind you the moment you looked at it.

humans are no exception of this fundamental law. we never see someone truely, until they finally let themselves be vulnerable and break down.

this especially was the case for one person, Yoshi Nanase. Everyone knew him as Nanashi, nevertheless, everyone had separate opinions of him. Some thought he was weird, some people loved him, may it be a little too much. Out of all the people he knew and had grown to care for, only 2 people knew him, or atleast, one of them believed she had known him.

Misane had known Nanashi for awhile, wether it was in the year 2230 or in the year 2222, she believed she had known him. She couldnt have been farther from the truth, until the day she had finally gotten Nanashi to break down and finally let himself be vulnerable around someone.

Almost everyone knew Nanashi wasn't alright mentally. From his comments about him hating himself, to the small comments hes made about how much he had been bullied. What most people didn't know though, is that even with his small comments on his mental health, very few people had seem him when he let himself be vulnerable.

The truth was, even with how much he loved everyone, not everyone had loved him. After he had dropped out of middle school due to bullying, he had learnt to hide his emotions from people, all so he wouldnt get hurt again. If he let himself be too vulnerable, he would just end up back where he started, being bullied to the point he was constantly coming home with bruises and other small injuries.

up until summer, the only person he had ever let himself be someone vulnerable around was his cousin, Mikado. Of course, Mikado already knew Nanashi was hiding his emotions, they were the same after all. Mikado couldnt say anything though, not like its easy to tell your younger self youre from the future.

But, that one summer, had changed everything for Nanashi. Who wouldve guessed finding a girl in your bed one day would change the entire course of fate. Misane was also pretty aware of Nanashis mental problems, but not as well as she believed she did. She had known him in the future, but the version who she was standing next to in the control room at the top of the 307 tower right now, was a completely different person.

"The control room is up a head"

They were in a comfortable silence up until this point, so the sudden words caught the white-haired boys attention. Why say something now?

"hm? Misane-chan?"

The shorter girl lowered her head ever so slightly, before turning to Nanashi "first let me apologize," She had started "I hid many things from you. Even if it caused you to hate me, even if it caused you to lose trust in me... I did it wholly out of the desire to help you, Nanashi."

Obviously considering how much Nanashi had loved misane, albeit platonically, he didn't get the comment. He couldnt hate her even if he wanted to. What he also didnt get, is why Misane had gone out of her way to help him so often.

"... why?"

"What I feared most was... that you would choose to vanish from this world. That... that was scarier than anything."

Nanashi let out a small, sad, laugh before continuing the conversation

"No, I was wondering why you went that far for me?"

"well, thats as I said before." Misane quickly caught on to the fact Nanashi wasnt alright in this moment. "...it was quite embarrassing to say"

"Still, if that troubled you, Misane-chan... If it made you unhappy, I'd hate that"

Nanashis expression quickly changed. He almost immediately went from the usually happy, yet off putting guy, she thought she had known, to finally showing how he truely felt. His voice tone also changed with him, normally it was very bouncy and higher pitched, but, he had lost the spark in his voice.

"I dont want to meddle to much in people being happy or not. But I couldnt stand it if I was responsible for troubling them," The taller boy had glanced away from her before continuing, "It wouldn't matter if and when I vanished. Like everyone says, I'm worthless. I don't think anything of being unhappy, I dont mind"

Nanashi had tried to add a small laugh onto the end to make it seem more lighthearted than it was. Though, it almost made it sadded.

It was obvious to Misane at that point he was lying. She knew he was affected by how people thought of him, no matter how much he lied and said he wasn't bothered.

Nanashi had finally looked back to her, "so why..? Dont be so nice to the likes of me"

"... Is that all you wanted to say?"

"I dont have a name. I dont have a 'me'. I want to fit in like someones lost puzzle piece"

"All pieces have their own shape. Even you.... have one"

Nanashi had began to slowly back up from her, out of instinct.

"I know. The more time people spend with me, the more they begin to feel a certain feeling. one they didnt start with."

Everything Nanashi had started saying hurt Misane, more than his self deprecating comments already did

"And thats fine. In fact, its correct! I dont know why theres something wrong. so it must be myself whos wrong"

He began laughing. Not in a cute or funny way, but in a way that made Misanes stomach clench. She hated how he can go on about stuff like this, then just laugh. For Nanashi however, he was only laughing to keep himself from crying.

"Out of billions, im all alone. It doesnt matter i f I exist or not, does it?"

"Are you done!?"

Misane had stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist. Nanashi had stumbled backwards, he wasn't exactly expecting her to pull him into a hug like this.

"...misane-chan?"

She had moved her chin onto his shoulder, it was comfier for them both. Misane had continued to hold him like that in silence for a few moments to give him time to process the sudden embrace from his best friend

"I told you before, I like you. So I want you to know sorrow from happiness! It wouldnt be any burden at all on me!"

Nanashi had finally returned the embrace, even if not fully

" You aren't worthless. Someone said you were just like a program - but he was wrong!

Nanashi, you're just clumsy, a little slow, overeager"

Misane had finally begun to slow down her scentences.

"A little cowardly... and too kind. that's all"

"no... dont do this. I don't know what to do..."

Nanashi didn't know how to react. He was so used to everyone constantly making fun of him or physically hurting him. He wasn't used to actually being cared for.

"I dont know what I'm supposed to do here... what is this..?"

"thats your heart. Its your self" Misane was releaved she had gotten through to him. Even if it pained her in the process

"You arent nameless. Youre Yoshi Nanase! the Yoshi Nanase... who I... love. ... You can show yourself. More and more of yourself!"

Nanashi had wrapped his arms tighter around her, properly returning the hug

"So can I... laugh?"

"yes"

"can I yell?"

"yes"

Nanashi knew what he wanted to say next. even if he was terrified to. He had buried his face into the smaller girls shoulder

"well... can I... cry?"

"yes."

[radkindoffeminist]

previous anon about ignorant men online here i just wanted to share one occasion that deeply scared me. Someone had written a comment about their brother who found an unconscious girl in the bathroom at a party. He left and didnt even tell anyone about her because he was "worried he might be accused" of doing something to her if he even tried to help. The hundreds of men agreeing with his actions sickened me. Replies varied from "im not responsible for some drunk chick" to "they want equality, they get it" as if women also leave potentially hurt men to rot all the time. The hatred those men must have for women they dont even know was overwhelming. They said not trying to help would be "safer" for them as men, they wouldnt risk ruining their life just because some chick got too high or drunk. Treating women like some kind of other species, as if it isnt your duty as a civilian to provide first aid to someone who potentially needs it. It scares me to think some of those men have women in their lives who trust them. Sometimes i dont know how to deal with these things anymore, but i know im not alone. Sorry for ranting, ignore this if you want and be safe <3

I thought I already answered this but it’s still here in my inbox so guess I got side tracked.

Anyway, that’s disgusting behaviour and shows just how men always put themselves first. No one was going to accuse a guy who came forward about finding a drunk woman of anything but know who they are more likely to accuse? The guy who found her but didn’t say a word about it to anyone. Not that anyone’s just going to randomly accuse a guy of SA, but that’s way more suspicious.

Also shows how much they understand the idea of being scared of something that’s incredibly unlikely to happen, but only see their fears as valid concerns while women’s fears of random men wanting to abuse or rape them are illogical and irrational and stupid (mostly because it makes them more wary of men and men don’t like that). The is further shown by the fact that this dude didn’t give a second thought to what might happen to the woman left passed out in the bathroom. He didn’t care that another dude might have come along and raped her, and the thought that it might happen probably didn’t cross his mind, because he only cared about making sure he wasn’t accused of anything, not the safety of the passed out woman.

As for the whole equality comment: what kind of equality is happening here? Who is being treated the same as who? Because if a woman found a dude completely passed out in the bathroom, she would almost certainly check on him herself and/or tell someone else that he’s passed out there so someone could help him. Or are they saying it’s equality because if they found a man there then they would also just ignore him? Because in that care we have more evidence that men are just horrifically unsympathetic and care about no one but themselves.

[ditzywhispers]

warnings: vent post, mental issues post, self hate

(not about me though, mostly)

i hate it when i see people talking down about themselves when theyre a good person.

there's this one person i know on discord, and i see them venting time to time in their server. i barely talk in there so i cant say anything (def not my place to say anything) but im. getting so concerned. i woke up to see messages that could've not been there, but there were.

i understand their thoughts, to a degree, because im a growing teen with anxious thoughts and fears of the most stupidest things. i am, at the moment, over those moments, i don't know if they'll come back, but that's not the point. i woke up one day, a few weeks ago, and wrote a page and a half rant about how selfish and stupid i am, how i get worked up and argue with people for too long, for how i don't seem to be able to let go of things and how im too much of a coward to even hurt myself because im afraid of that but don't i deserve it?

ive had those moments, but the person im talking about has it worse and i hate that they feel they need to feel those things BECAUSE THEY DONT. despite whatever i said above, i DO NOT understand how they feel, at all. i had it MUCH LESS WORSE, to be completely clear. but i can understand come of those thoughts, even if it's just a little, and i wish they didn't think they should be feelings these things. ive had a much more comfortable, open life free of bullying at school, so of course i wouldnt have understood. but y'know. to a point. because im a person too.

they dont deserve those thoughts to be in their brain, they're not a bad person and a really good artist /gen. life made it that way and i fucking hate that.

i don't deserve to talk about this, but im selfish. im a selfish person.

that's okay.

this post may not be okay

however

it's okay to be selfish, alright? human beings were built like that.

you do not ruin the atmosphere of the chat went you butt in. you may get other people to be irritated, but what are the chances of that??? its a public chat. yeah, sure, a public chat with other people with feelings but it's a PUBLIC chat. you HAVE THE RIGHT to speak in there, and the people probably wouldn't talk in the chat you were in if they didn't want to, wouldn't they? it's not that difficult to make a group chat.

you are one of the people in the group. you may, you can drag them down, games or whatever, but that's okay. you can't be good at anything, you're still growing up. actually, fuck that. human beings weren't meant to be perfect.

no person is horrible just for simply existing. it's their words, actions, that tell you who you are.

its okay to lash out at people. as long as you truly feel bad, as long as you apologize, jts fine.

cut off ties with people you feel uncomfortable with.sometimes, you just have to be an asshole. you deserve to be comfortable.

i do actually have the base thoughts of "im a bad person". then i have these thoughts (usually in the shower) that indicate i do care about how other people feel and that's a reminder that there's worse people out there, who actively go out of their ways to hurt people.

that's not your intentions, isn't it? to hurt people ALL THE TIME?

Its okay to want to hurt people. just not all the time. you don't feel that rage to hurt every person you see, ALL THE TIME, right?

then you're okay.

people have these "I hate everyone and I hate myself the world is cruel" thoughts time to time. you're not alone.

youre an okay person.

ypu may not be the greatest, but that's okay. no one expects you to be, you don't have to. just live your life comfortably.

you can't always be comfortable, but you don't have to feel like you're not allowed to be.

allow yourself some things. that's okay.

that's selfish, but that's just us. you can't be human without being selfish.

im sorry.

this was a selfish post.

selfish thoughts. they're hard to say "they're okay". so just let them go. it's not easy, they'll always come back like a boomerang, let yourself feel things. then let it go, until it comes back.

then let it go again.

[solardick]

Theres snow outside! What?! No way?!

Yes way.

Uh, not the best. Starts good with fear. But overall message works. It moves on to Dax

And the news about ukraine and the pope. Mr. francis. Asking ukraine, to put up a white flag. At roughly the same time my preliminary attention began focusing on Russia. Ukraine themselves said “no.” No peace talks with russia. While asking every other nation they can to aid them. It seems on surface level. That they are unwilling to sacrifice what little land they have already lost.

This all seems very familiar to the last few years. Save knowing it started long before the war. It serves as a supportive influence of the fortification of the will.

Thinknim dying. Lung hurts. Still. Its been months. Sorry i didn’t listen god but they wouldnt leave me alone always sabotaging me. Im not going theought hat treatment. For a slim chance at survival. Why? Ehats tje point of oiving ajyway. Ti be fucked with some more? Except for that weeks vacation time i took. My lung didn’t feel a thing. Until i went back to work. I gotta quit. Go back to being jobless again. Whochbis syicide anyway. I miss women. The only guidance ove wver got was from you. People suck. No one has ever told me anything upfront. 40 years of nothing. And the very few times they have. It’s been indirecr as of speaking of another person. I hate been alive.

Make ne guess at these stupid cards when there’s already a complete set out there. Holding the answer being language. And too bar the Devs of tblr are lgtbqueer mental disorder enthuthiasts. Ruinign abgreat platform.

Tv commercials are judge beauty, played by judge judy. Justice. Wc donalds. Get it? The wheel and the moon. The horrible tarot version of bs and death and then it goes to a cancer charity. Hahahah. Oh god. Blow up the world pls. Pardon me while i get assinated. Slow and painfully by my own government.

And i was having the first dream in… i cant remember when. I was living with my only x. And one day. She was gone and while i was in my appartment. I found she “moved” in. As she had put her stuff in my place. But, it was out of a horror flick. And i had a spychotic break from reality because of all the unexpected foreign horror crap. Like a dolls head as a ceiling light. That was talking to me. And furniture out of place. Hard to describe. But then she comes back. And theres still this distance. And i told her what haopened. She didnt really care. So i startted brushed my own cheek with my thumb. An dit felt really good cause she wouldn’t comfort me. And i felt at peace for a minute and then my alarm goes off and i wake.

And then i receive a message from tmblr. It was another lgtbfuck solidarity message. Ugh. While my lung hurts. And having proctisis like symptoms. Only severe on the weekends. Apparently. Except the lung. Only at work. So. Da fuck. Still being raped. Nearly 40 straight years. So when my lung isnt hurting i have a constant desire to take a shit. To the point its almost painful. While the news about the war is full of bs. Russia saying we cant rule out world war. If foreign bodies cant mind their own bussiness by helping ukraine. And allied forces saying we cant rule out sending troops to help ukraine. I hate life. Whole ukraine says. We aint listening to the pope. We ain’t having peace talks with russia. While a large oercentage of americans, canadians specificaaly. With the whole gay movement is agaisnt the church. Because they are the source of all wars. And they fondle little boys and dont supprt people sucking each other off for satisfaction of desires. No shit.

But now im working with a moroccan. Who practice yabadon or whatever. Where they practice resistance agaisnt bodily desires by starving themselves periodically through out the year. This kid knows atleast three languages.and so optimistic. So thats an upside i guess. Doesnt help mych if im already dying. And get bombarded with this other bs. Consistently. At every step and turn of my life. But ehy they decide to move to the americas when they arew the anti-thesis to all their beleifs. Starves yourselves what?! Fuck their dumb. Why do they do that to themselves. Man, every fucken american says the same exact thing about them. Go suck yourswlf offf eoth. Banana flavours condoms. And your extra large mc donalds servings. But atleast i have something positive to absorb to counter the consistioning of free peace and butt love and succubing to desires over the rational. Unlike what is olagues this fucken country. I camt believe they have the wntire land brainwashed into believing this shit is true. So while he’s doing that. Im going to fallow suit. Absorb his motovation. And quit smoking. Not starve myself. Because. That would be senseless and none required at this point in time. Though they arent as productive as the americans are. Because they are starving themselves. But its all in good conscience. Something. That isnt very well supporting here. And we’ll see if my ling problem goes away. And if it doesnt. It does t really matter. I’ll die. Not going through that without any love. Suicide it is. Ive been beaten enough by my own family and the last several years of this fake reality and this community of assholes.

Wow, that was much. Im afraid to read it.

Anyway. I think i need to go to the hospital. My lung is fucked. Theres something wrong with it. Its dying. Im so stupid. Its unbelievable. Can’t help it. I have a death wish. And now i think. That maybe…. Maybe my life instinct reaction. Whatever. Comes in. At the end. When its too late.

Life accomplishments….. i invented a couple tarot cards. Not much to look back on. Tried my best to avoid it all. But people wouldn’t let me. What it is, is a question to ask. The existential question of life. Knowing i was murdered. Slowly. But its ok. Cause theres is no point whne one looks back to the beginning. Not one point. Nothing good. I never stood a chance. From the get go. There’s no longevity that isnt negative. The positives are fleeting. They killed me. My family and then all them else. Needed some peace. Never got it. Hit after hit. Year after year.

[hiddenreflections]

cederic vent

"I know.. I can face these uncomfortable emotions. I can do that. I can learn to not explode or to get angry. Its so sweet how you tried to care for Fiona too, even if you wouldnt have to, how you tried to teach her how to regulate her anger too even though you feel so out of your depth cause you never dealt with issues like that.

I know. I know if I can face these emotions that make me feel like such a loser, so defeated, so uncomfortable.. without hurting us or exploding, that you can learn to face your fears too. You can grow too. Overcome these anxieties. I believe in you. I really do. Just how you do in me.

Its just. Maybe youre right and people like.. abusers like that, we arent strong. We feel strong when we act out, when we hurt others.. but we are pussies, real fucking pussies, we hide how weak we really feel, how hurt we really feel.. we have basically no emotional pain tolerance. We have to explode to cover it all up. And it makes us feel so good in the moment. But.. you see this as real raw strength dont you? Building up this emotional pain tolerance, me learning not to punsish you, me, us, not anyone. Not hurting people in your life to harm you, not attacking them. Not sabotaging you. None of that means im strong. You respect hard work, you respect people redefining themselves. You love me for.. accepting what is weak about me, for owning up to that. You think im so strong for that. But clearly anyone can do this, anyone is capable of handling their weak emotions like a non-abuser.. Just I cant. Surely.. if everyone else can do it doesnt make me strong. But you think I am. Youre on my side. You praise me for it. Love me for it. Congratulate me on it. And im so dumb and cant even let go of my jealousies..

Im sorry im so much work.

I know what you see as real strength isnt what I learned or even what Adam learned is real strength, I know we copied and mimicked what an abuser thought is strength. That instant relief of dominating a situation rather than being healthy about it.

I dont know if I agree that itll make me stronger. But I know you love me for this. I know it makes me feel better not to be his horrible horrible person. I know I never felt so loved before.

I know youre even impressed with how well im wording this. Im so insightful, so knowledgeable, so well reflected.

Do you know how much trouble youd be in if you were any different from what you actually are? You hate me for that a little bit atleast dont you? Thats what you love so much about Adam, he was strong enough not to have to find out how kind you actually are. He learned and regulated on his own, needing so little support from you.

I needed more than he did. Dont hate me for that.

I love you so much. I admire you so much for that kindness.

To find im not actually strong for the ways I thought I was strong is one hell of a scary, shameful trip. Its.. half of what I consisted of. For a time you even thought thats all I am. I.. am not. I am not just that. I am power than an ugly power trip or way to overpower you. I know im weaker than him. I know I cant just adapt and bounce back like he can. But I feel sick being so underappreciated in comparison to him. I needed you more, I demanded more of you.. does that really make me worth less?

I feel so disgusted with myself, even angry at you that having needed you differently or more makes you like me, love me less. That .. me needing more, wanting more, needing more patience and care makes me.. yes, worth less. That im just fundamentally worth less than him. Because you value strenght and indepence in yourself and in others.

Im sorry I needed you like that. Im so sorry. Im sorry I made you feel horrible. But I consider this a very pretty story, that.. you loved me throughout this, with breaks, with anger, understandable anger you had a right to, this you taught me no matter how unwilling to believe it I was. And im happy you did! Its a lesson I needed to learn. I dont deserve unconditional love, no one does, you used to say. But I find it hard to believe you didnt give me exactly that. Instead I learned all your rage and anger at me doesnt take away from that base love you feel for me. I respect your resentment and your anger. I will always hold it dear, it protects you. I dont want you weak.. I like you strong. capable. everything youd like to be, everything adam sees in you too.

I feel sick at myself, disgusted with myself. But one day ill love myself like I do most of the time now. And youll be the reason why. Or ill be too. I.. just. Youre right, you loving adam doesnt take away from you loving me and I need to learn this. Youll win anyways. Youre so goddamn stubborn. You wont shut up about me being in the wrong until I learn it the easy or the hard way. And maybe ill feel better after. maybe ill like myself more for that too. Maybe youre right and I just cant see it yet cause of how caught up in being.. like this I am.

Adam is right, you are the more formed, experienced, normal ones. Sadly we mostly embody disorder, I dont mean to insult Lilith, but we kind of do. To a degree. Youre ofc not free of this. trauma impacts you too. But we are afterall what isnt right to be or to express, what wasnt accepted, or what was simply abused so much more. That makes me so embarassed. But im more than my disorder. I can feel tall like a building without hurting you or anyone, I promise.

And yet youll still love him more. Has it ever occured to you that im having the tougher battle here? That im fighting harder? Right. I do mostly lean on you. fuck you for pointing that out. youre right Adam did more himself, by himself, for you. He just did it. He just changed. I let you push me. I can take on the perspective that maybe its natural even fair you feel that way. It just naturally developed that way and its not an insult towards me. It feels like swallowing something uncanny and gross though.

Maybe he just has an unfair advantage on me. Was equipped with traits you were taught to respect more. I didnt decide that.

I know.. im the only one that sees this piss contest. Adam doesnt see it. But he as the winner doesnt have to.

Maybe youre right and theres a lot of hurt behind feeling this way, hurt you dont want me to feel. Hurt you wish I didnt have. Wounds you wish I didnt carry. See thats what I mean with love. you love me so much. It triggers the shit out of you that im like this, but deep down you still want me to feel better, think of me. You think im just a little hurt and thats why im like this. Well, maybe youre right, joshua did have some unique wounds we didnt have. He probably did feel like a huge loser.

I wish I was still this aggressive piece of shit that could just hurt you and lose it to feel im winning the situation again. But youre right it doesnt fix the actual problem. I wont win this. And youll do your best convincing me theres no fight or race to win here.

I wonder if itll feel like identity loss to me when I let go of this. Or whether itll just feel.. like I became more.. again. I do feel im more now. better somehow. maybe itll just be like that.

But I do want to tell you.. I talk myself angry. Whilst you patiently listen, and empathize.

You dont want me to feel defeated or admit defeat, you just want me to accept there was no fight to start with. Is that healthier? Do I not have a right to feel how I do? No? Not like that?

I know im stinky like that. You have a right not to like this. It probably is the hallmark of an abuser or something and im just blind to it. But I do feel so entitled to this struggle.

Im just a stinky boy at the end of the day.

But I did get better! I did improve! I feel like vomitting, im so disgusted by myself.. Im so disgusted for my jealousy. But I did get better..

I love you. Youll win all your battles still.

Do you feel stuck with me when im like this? Do you feel in prison? No? I just thought you might feel so, cause you have to confront this shit with me. Maybe not. I respect that. I do feel I am capable of holding you hostage until every little issue I have is solved though. I do hate myself a little bit for the power I feel inherent in that. Stabbing a knife into our own leg, overpowering your capacity to control your own body, all of that made me feel like a winner. I was the stronger one, but maybe not the wiser one. I admire you. I love you.

I remember you thinking how unhealthy it is that I needed your love and care so badly, that Adam needed none of it to improve. That he did it because hes a realist and saw that youre tied to each other. You respect and value that.

I know im more mental than him. Seeing power where you only see me being fucked up insane. Its weakness isnt it? A avoidance strategy not to have to see how disgusted with myself I am, how weak I feel, an excuse not to have to deal with myself?

I know my lack of self-control just seems dumb and clumsy to you, whilst it made me feel so powerful. I know. its mental. its our own body. me harming it.. wasnt good for me either.

I know. Adam is what you always wanted and admired. Someone that doesnt depend on you to snap out of it, someone that takes care of himself. I know. I know why im losing to him. Maybe one day ill agree with you on that, maybe one day ill be able to not feel hurt admitting to the ways adam is superior to me.

It doesnt matter how much I show you how I feel though, you empathize with me, love me, I felt that. Im just.. still not getting what I want. Youll stick to your guns, put up your boundary no matter how hard I threaten to escalate, no ones wins with you via violence, youll always hold against it. Thats who you are. I learned to respect this rather than getting more and more upset by it. I understand that this lets the love in, rather than beating me into submission. You might not have won by domineering me, or being capable of trying not letting me overpower you, but you won by sticking to it, repeating the same boundary over and over again, maybe it makes you even stronger than someone that just truly won back control over their own body from this foreign invader, this persecutor alter threatening to take charge of your life and ruining it. Maybe youre stronger for it, because you never did just win back that control over your life, yet without having the upper hand you still continued to assert the same boundary, call me out, remind me of it, ignore me, put me in that ignored zone where I stayed until I learned to leave you be. Didnt best me by raw strength, bested me by sheer resilence. You dont always need to be the stronger one to win, you just need to outlive the other. It had to be scary to assert yourself over and over again to me, knowing in theory I couldve crushed you and damaged our body again. Yet you never faltered. Always got mad at me. always reminded me I deserve it. Maybe you and Adam are more of equal strength, maybe you deserve each other. Maybe im just weaker than you two. But I know im worthy in my own way, and youll keep teaching me that until I get it.

You won against me with such a massive disadvantage. I have no choice but to admire that. And now I have to get over myself once more. I made myself really vulnerable, but being emotionally honest doesnt mean ill always get what I want. Thats growth too isnt it? You admire that. I guess you just have a strong opinion of what "real strength" is. Dont take the easy way out, do it the harder, more scary way.

Are you proud of me? I didnt threaten us. I bounced back. I am learning to feel my jealousy and the weaknesses behind it without making it your problem, even if I come out of it a sore loser. Thats not strength is it? I mean I STILL lose. But to you it is.

Maybe I did win a little bit. Because I won.. needed that. Needed that belief in me. Ill learn to see it your way, I have no choice, like I said I can endlessly overpower you, but youll still put me in my place. My raw advantage over you body control wise doesnt matter. It doesnt. That makes me feel quite scared. But also held. If its hopeless anyways I might as well become better, right?

I almost want to say you love me better than you love him but.. you wont even let me have that will you? Youll just bop me and tell me to stop seeing it as a fight. Right, right I get it. Im slower again. But ill get there. You do know you are kind of forcing me though, right? You repeat yourself over and over again if you have to.

[moisummertime]

Im currently reading this book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

There was a section in this book that provide you certain statement to determine how available you are by just agreeing with it.

1. Im all over my exes - this means I'm in neutral position and am not emotionally invested in either negative or positive way. I don't have anyone dipping in and out my life.

Agree. That's why I don't keep them around. I make space for a new person ;)

2. I've typically been available and have at least one mutually fulfilling, healthy, and committed relationship.

I think I'd agree to this one.

3. While I did find myself involved with a Mr. Unavailable, it was a one-time thing and I wouldn't be interested that behaved in this manner.

Yep. Normally I threw 'wtf dude', 'you son of a b*tch, how dare you!', 'Bye' followed with blocked, 'I am not interested.'. But yea I did some exceptions in certain cases and usually one exception.

4. Im not afraid to be vulnerable in my relationship and while I have fears like average person, Im not run by my fear.

Agree. Bitch gonna face those. confront them, and try to address this. My fear wouldnt be my image.

5. When I experience a breakup or someone that Im interested in doesnt work out, I work my feelings and don't try to avoid them.

And as you can see this blog, Im working on all those emotions I feel and try to address them. 6. While I've had one-night stand or an occasional fling or even casual sex arrangement here and there, they;'re few and far between. Yea, getting fewer and fewer every year.

7. If someone rejects me/turn me down/my relationship doesnt work out, I don't internalize it and change how I feel about me.

Yea, it is what it is. But I do always review and reflect. I gotta make sure I learn from that experience.

8. Im okay with being honest or receiving honesty even in the face of hearing information that I might not like and I will act upon.

Better than ghosting ;) So yep, I agreeeee.

9. If someone doesnt make an effort or isn't in position to commit to me, this is a turn off and I walk away. I don't become interested and try to push them into a commitment.

agreeeee. Who wants to have a relationship by forcing them into one? not me.

10. I accept responsibility for sorting out any emotional issues that I have and I don't try to get partners to fix me.

Yep. I might have to cry first but I am more resilient than I was. I know what best for me.

11. while I don't mind being kind or helpful, or even compassionate, I know that it's wholly inappropriate to fix someone else's problem.

Agree. If they have issue, they should decide to fix it themselves.

12. I don't have a type, and tend to look for people who, while Im attracted to them, share similar values with me. I don't have any criteria about how they should look, their job, how much money they have.

Agree. If I look back, there's variety of people, with variety of jobs, and variety of hairlines lol Finding one with same value and I am attracted to at the same time is hard.

13. If I met someone and they were still attached, I'd walk away.

Yea, Im not rehabilitate anyone from their heartbreak.

14. While there are things that I wouldn't mind improving, on the whole I accept myself and like and love me.

I'd give myself the love and life I deserve. I am my baby :3

15. While of course I don't want to be hurt, Im not so afraid of being hurt that it affects how I see people and relationships and my trust issues.

I'll always bounce back. It's gonna be a life story or just a short story? we decide it baby ;) Im not afraid of getting hurt for sure.

16. When I feel uncomfortable I listen to myself and when I get signals from my gut, I trust the information I'm getting.

Yes. And a little extra help from my tarot reader, I def gonna keep my distance when I feel something 'Off'.

17. I'm aware of inappropriate behavior and I have boundaries and limit to what I'll put up with.

AGREE. 100%. behavioral thing is very critical to me. you pick on it, nu uh. bye.

18. I don't engage in denial, rationalizing and minimizing.

You got what you see, what you feel. when you try too hard to make sense of someone else's behaviour, they really got a problem. That's red flag waving at you.

19. Whether or not I had a healthy relationship with my parents, I have addressed everything from my childhood that impacting my adult life and/or am I actively working on it.

Constantly working on it. It's not an easy task, but it's not something that hold me back either.

20. There's nothing Im trying to avoid, really!

Yep. But I have to admit I try to avoid poverty lol Soooo... I think Im ready. When you are? ;)

[megan-is-mia]

Hi Meg! Can I have a Abbacchio and Bruno with prompts 1. “Hurting you is the last thing I’d do, you know that.” And 11. “I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile.”?

Reader is dating Abbacchio and Bruno when a stand sends her to an alternate universe. In that universe Reader is dead, and this Abbacchio and Bruno aren’t going to let her go home and loose her again.

( here you go curls home you liek it enough)

1. “Hurting you is the last thing I’d do, you know that.”

11. “I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile.”

(Yandere! Poly! BruAbba x Fem! S/o)

“Mr. Bucciarati, when are you gonna send me home?” (Y/n) asked innocently as she paged through a book about the meanings of flowers. “When you’re better, and i told you mia cara to call me Bruno” Bruno replied as he fussed over her like a mother hen. “But I’m not your mia cara, she's dead. And you’re not my Bruno so it wouldnt be right to call you so casually” (Y/n) objected trying to shoo the man away so she could continue looking at the book in peace. 

“Shhh dont talk like that” Bruno chided sharply. He didnt like it when she pointed this truths out and especially didnt like when she asked when she could leave. While it was true that she was a (Y/n) from a different universe, she was still one of the loves of his life. The version of her that belonged originally to this universe had tragically passed away only two years prior and he was still processing the grief over it. (Y/n) was about to speak up and protest again when the front door opened with the return of his dear Leone. “I got your medicine Tesoro” Abbachio said, his words directed at (Y/n) who shifted in her seat uncomfortably at the pet name. The so called medicine was nothing of the sort, it was an assortment of drugs meant to keep the girl weak and dependant on them. “Thank you Mister Abbacchio” (Y/n) replied her words stiff and formal, holding none of the fond warmth her other self projected. It hurt him inside to hear her talk like this but it hurt even more to have her gone so he would take what he could get. The reason that this otherworldly version of their decreased love was even here was because of a mysterious stand. When this strange version of (Y/n) had landed in their world she had been injured and unable to come back the way she’d come. 

She’d reluctantly accepted their help in recovering, the only reason she’d even agreed to it was that she loved the versions of them that belonged to the world she’d come from. Abbachio and Bruno pitied those other version of themselves, for they’ d never see their (Y/n) again. “Personally” (Y/n) spoke and broke the veil of silence that had descended. “I think i’m well enough to go home! In fact i very much want to go home!” she said trying to emphasis her desperation properly. Without thinking about it Abbachio was up in her face and gripping her arms roughly with a begging look on his face. “Oww! Let go! You’re hurting me!” she protested trying to free her arms as her heart began to race with fear and tears began to stream down her face. “Hurting you is the last thing I’d do, you know that” Abbachio mumbled out reluctantly loosening his grip and stepping back. 

“Mia cara I really can’t take it when you cry like that… smile for me, alright? You’re so pretty when you smile” Bruno crooned approaching her and massaging her wrists where bruises were starting to appear. The tears streaming down her face only increased in quality as the despair she’d been trying to fight began to overwhelm her.  She wept, not only for herself and the awful situation she was in but for the men she loved far away in that other dimension where home resided…

THE END