#owing myself a better life

[strangepersonwhispers]

the audacity of people who were once the most important part of your life and who you genuinely once upon a time couldn't live without and if you get to know that they were thinking something negative about you, you feel genuine pain in your body, and who are still around tho you learned to live without them and their opinions thinking that yes since i was once your most important i will always be your most important and if you dont give me the same importance *le gasp shocked pikachu face, how could you? you've changed. like yes!!! i did change, im better now not basing my entire self worth and my character on your likes and dislikes, ive changed and i found myself again underneath all the layers of you I've buried myself under. im finding myself again and again and again when i have new experiences with and without you. i am a fragile thing still learning to walk hand in hand with my past to my future where my wings would finally help me fly. i am still a chick with weak wings who is learning to trust my present self with the wounded child of my past. i am still a babe for whom the idea of walking with my present self is very frightening and all she wants to do is hide away and lick her wounds in the dark since that is the healing she learned . i am still the wounded, angry child crouching and baring her teeth and broken claws at people so that they would never get a chance to hurt her again. i am still the angry child that is ready for a fight and adrenaline courses through her veins 24/7 because she doesn't know when and how it will happen. but i am also still the child whose hands shake and body falters and eyes blur when adrenaline seeps in her veins. i am still a child who years for her future promise to herself of a quiet, peaceful home where she can shed her armour and settle down in soft blankets surrounded by soft things.

[mattodore]

he had his little movie makeover montage off-screen

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

[gingerbreadmonsters]

oh this is going to be......... a problem actually

[martyrbat]

in the newest edition of skinny bitch audacity (fatphobia):

comparing weight gain to... being a meth addict. and that you can look at someone and be qualified to say theyre degrading their health if they arent a small enough size for you to be attracted to them/be 'acceptable'

[IF YOU SHAME ADDICTS ON THIS POST YOURE GETTING BLOCKED. IF YOU SHAME FAT PEOPLE ON THIS POST YOURE GETTING BLOCKED. I WILL NOT WARN YOU TWICE.]

[stealingyourbones]

Re: you are playing half-life

1) GOOD IT'S GREAT, needs a bigger fandom outside hlvrai. Also maybe look into Black Mesa- the fan made modern remake that is *absolutely beautiful,* one of the few games that would probably actually be worth $60, but is actually only $20, and is a faithful recreation with modern technology.

2) siren pups are called houndeyes! Headcrabs are probably p obvious, but also, the squid face dogs are bullsquids, and the three-armed aliens are vortigaunts!

3) pleas don't slander my boy Barney Calhoun like that he's just a security guard not a cop and in fact is canonically, actively anti-cop/anti-facist in HL2 please he doesn't deserve to have his game rejected like that PLEASE LOVE MY BOY-

Ok im sorry that's all I'm done I'm just passionate about these games I hope u enjoy them ok bye <3

!!! Oh bro you’re so good!! I absolutely LOVE people talking about things they’re passionate about and have a bunch of facts to share!!!!

I KNOW THE NAME OF THE HOUNDEYES NOW!!! Today is a good day :)

I shall play Blue Shift then fuck yeah!!! Was just about to start Half Life 2 so I’m glad I found that out beforehand and play everything in series! I’m absolutely gonna check out that fanmade game that sounds so cool!

As a kid I was pretty much fully isolated from video games as a whole and honestly it’s been a BLAST playing games that are spoiled or well known for many but completely unknown for me! I finished playing the Portal series a few weeks ago and MAN I now know why it is on such a high pedestal!! The games are wonderful and the characters are absolutely iconic. Currently going through well known earlyish PC games, the Doom games, Portal, Half-Life, and slowly chugging my way through chronologically so I can see how video gaming as a whole progressed and evolved! It’s so neat! It’s really hard trying to play a few games though, lots of games expect you to know a lot of stuff so I have to watch lots of videos to make sure I’m not forgetting a Super Important button that does a Super Important Game Mechanic. It’s so cool tho!!!! I’m having such a great time!!!!!!! Thanks for the ask my guy!! :D

[lowcursedmg]

i am perfectly capable of hurting people and being insufferable. i realize this. and it doesnt make me an inherently bad person, it makes me just like everyone else.

[wolvertooth]

I HATE THE XMEN SOO MUCH RN SABRETOOTH LITERALLY CAME TO THE HEROES FOR HELP AND THEY TORTURED AND BEAT HIM AND KEPT HIM IN A CAGE AND BELITTLED HIM AND FAILED HIM AND THEN HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY ITS HIS FAULT THEIR 'THERAPY' DIDNT WORK????? I'D WANNA KILL THEM TOO NOT GONNA FUCKING LIEEEEEE like in this canon he TRIED to suppress his urges!!!! he got a psychic to help out and then she died so he went to xavier for help, and they FUCK HIM UP SO HARD like in what fucking world would any of that HELP HIM??? and then they just keep telling him 'you dont know how to fight for change' like he hasnt been doing that his whole life before that. no wonder he wants to just give up and let loose. nobody ever thinks hes enough. no one is ever nice to him. the xmen are literally so fucking mean to him constantly and they call themselves the heroes?

idk call me bias since i went thru my entire teenhood being told i was never enough no matter how i tried, trying to move past all the things i had no control over(but everyone said i did), trying and trying to change but then being told i wasnt, i think he should be allowed to go insane at this point. it would help him.

(this is about the uncanny + sabretooth special + x factor canon)

[greentrickster]

(lying on my bed, kicking my feet in the air, sing-songing) Just gotta make it to Friday and then I’m going to the chiropractor and then the pain will stop~!

[toastsnaffler]

wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that

[liebelesbe]

officially sick until Friday <3 peace and love

[strangepersonwhispers]

i am wORKING

i dont want to WORK

i want to be a little nymph, traipsing through the forest without a care, eating and drinking and sleeping whenever i want

but i CAN'T

because my parents had me and now i have to make sure i am healthy enough to work because now i owe it to myself and i need money to pamper myself

im so dONE

[seithr]

rl chatterin in tags, dont worry about it just feel like talking about recent stuff. for those who dont care look at this birdthang i won on xiv then. my silly big bird..

[brattybottomdyke]

im having a really weird mental day…everyone keeps posting about the new year and reflecting on the last year, which like obviously is gonna happen today. but i clicked on one of my old NYE posts from 2017 into 2018 and posted that 2017 had been a hard year and i was hoping 2018 was gonna be “my” year. i mean little did i know that 2018 was going to be a VERY hard year…and it just feels like every year since then has been hard. really really hard.

im really actually determined to make this next year my year because im so tired of being an NPC in my own life. im tired of being complacent and letting my own life pass me by in ways that are not making me happy and in fact, have contributed to one of the worst mental health years i can remember having. im so tired of it bro. in my bones, in my soul, tired of it.

[ezraphobicsoup]

do i rewatch the full rtgame persona 5 royal twitch vods. or do i not risk such a procrastinating productivity-destroying category 6 autism event

[evermoredeluxe]

just based on the last anon, ​it’s literally a fear of mine that i will be unable to have kids which sounds so ?? but yeah