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leilost · 11 months

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multiples of 2 for the price ask for yourself or any of your ocs (whichever is more comfy!)

Let's do me, Nadji, + human Remi 😋

2. Do you like to use the term queer for yourself? Or just LGBT, etc?

Yeh. It gives me room to just fuck around and let things come and go as they please.

Nadji doesn't. Not that it hasn't resonated with him, he's just never thought about it. And he doesn't feel the need to. He doesn't do a lot of research when it comes to labels, so it usually just boils down to "I be fucking." Or nothing at all. Nobody ever knows who he's actually interested in until they know.

Remi does identify as queer. They're heavy into queer theory, reads all the time, keeps up with the discourse, the labels and new language. Like, they really bout they shit. They see it as an opportunity for folks to ask them "what does that mean to you?" and then they personalize it (similarly to me).

4. Are you "out" to your family and friends?

Me: Yeah, sure.

Nadji: What that mean

Remi: I had no interest in coming out, but they know.

6. (If you're out) do you wish you came out sooner? Later? Or was it the right time?

Nah. If it was up to me, I would have told no one. Coming out is an annoying concept, especially with my experience. I'd rather just let folks find out or just say "yeah, call me that. end of discussion," if we're talking about gender-affirming things like name changes.

Nadji just came home with a dude (more like a lineup of dudes) one day and let his folks figure it out, lol. I think the only person he had a conversation with was his momma, Nadie, and she initiated it. But, it was casual, and her goal was to talk about sex ed so wasn't much of a convo. Nadie is also bisexual so she wouldn't make a big deal out of it anyway. Now, does he wish that he brought dudes he was dating around sooner or later? Ask him and he'd joke and say he wouldn't have brought them around at all, but I think that Nadji has a lot of guilt for how he's treated past partners since he's on the aro spectrum and didn't know what was up until much later. A lot of people just called him a player. They still do. He tries not to think about it.

Remi told everyone about their name change during the summer before their sophomore year of high school. It was a non-negotiable. Either you call me by my name, and respect my pronouns or we not talking (Remi: except for Mama). They have no regrets when they did it. It was the right time because they has figured it out. Plain and simple.

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender:

Me: Outchea

Nadji: Nigga

Remi: It changes weekly with producer tags. Right now it's Mustardonthebeathoe. (Please click the link, I'm crying.)

10. Something that gives you gender euphoria (whether you're cis or trans):

Me: Already answered.

Nadji is a cis man, but he's had a time with gender growing up. People often thought he was a girl when he was little (his hair used to be real long and he has wild lashes), and he's been called pretty his whole life, but then he got that stocky frame and people were like you real macho. He just vibes. He wouldn't be aware of this but he gets a lot of gender euphoria from not having to think about gender at all. He can just be a clown in whatever way that manifests. Also, when P-Funk comes on, he feels it too? Very specific but the funk is just affirming like that, lol.

Remi like wearing those close-fitted tees with the circle neck and real short sleeves with baggy pants. It always does it. Or just a good ole white beater. They also like when they're doing things that makes them feel more connected to their body. They love handy work, love lifting things. Also, wrestling/play-fighting.

12. Name some queer artists/bands or songs you like most:

Imma let my babies have it because I listen to everything the listen to.

Nadji: frank ocean, tyler the creator, steve lacy, blood orange, anddd omar apollo.

Remi: takes a deep breath in moses sumney, serpentwithfeet, cupcakke, mayal, closegood, meshell ndegeocello, jamila woods, swsh, bbymutha, sienna liggins, intro (kenny green was bi), big mama thorton, adrian kain, baby tate, jackie shane, I could go on but I will stop.

14. How do you think other factors like neurodivergency or upbringing have impacted your identity?

It all affects it. I could be here all day talking about this, but I'll let them have it.

Nadji: few seconds delay Oh shit, you mean me or- points to Remi who uses they/them pronouns

Remi: slides in front of Nadji so they're completely blocking him As a black autistic arospec anti-fascist they/them dyke (sights to me nodding in the background) there are many things that work together to help me define my queerness. I don't see it as one identity in the middle with the other identities connected to it by branches. They all exist within, without, around, and beside each other, always in harmony. That is all.

16. Do you attend Pride in person every year?

I used to, but stopped once it got really crowded, intense, and commercialized.

Nadji: Hell yeah. Wouldn't be the same without ya boy, you feel me starts smiling

Remi: as soon as the question is asked No.

18. How old were you when you got to attend your first Pride? Who did you go with?

I have no idea how old I was, but it was over the age of 21 lol. I went with a cousin.

Nadji was 20. He went with his art crew.

Remi went once with a friend once the parade was finishing up, stayed for like 20 minutes, if even that, and dipped. Like, dipped forevermore.

20. Do you feel like you "fit in" with the queer/Pride community overall?

At times I don't, but generally, yeah. Also, the more that I grow into myself, the more I don't mind not fitting in. I've been in a lot of spaces where I've felt and been excluded because of how I look. A lot of times it's been because of white queers not perceiving me as queer-presenting enough. Which is so funny because the events I go to are usually said to be for queer and trans people of color, (and usually said to be free for trans black folx) which I am both. White people often annoy me. This is not new information.

Nadji doesn't care until someone makes him hyperaware of it. It's more so about him feeling left out, period. That's him in any space since he likes the attention.

Remi doesn't, but they've never really cared. And it's not because they're not embraced in queer spaces. It's more so that the way people embrace them isn't embracing them, it's an idea of them. And phew, that is loaded. Perhaps I'll talk more about it another time.

22. How do you usually celebrate Pride month?

Being outside, lol. But living in New York while also having an overnight job is making that difficult at the moment. This is the first year that I'm like loud loud about it because I'm like....openly trans. Majority of my family knows, I'm in the process of getting my name changed legally, and I feel really secure in who I am. I bought my first flag pendant necklace and that's like huge for me. So, yeah. Definitely a really important pride month.

Nadji: We outside. (For the folks who need it, this can mean many of things. And Nadji indeed means all the things.)

Remi: With my folx. (As long as Remi has people they love around, they good.)

24. Do you practice any religion, if so how does it play into your LGBT identity? Do you feel welcomed by your spiritual community?

I don't feel like sharing that right now.

Nadji, nah. He definitely believes in divinity and it has a place in his life, but he hasn't explored it.

Remi, my babyyyy. Yeah, Black American folk magic plays a huge part in their everyday and their identity. As a non-human, which is what they originally started as, they have they ability to communicate with spirits and I associate them with Hoodoo and its practices. Their spiritual community is very few actually. But they don't care because that's not their concern. It never felt like one.

26. How do you feel about the term partner rather than husband/girlfriend/etc?

We loooove it.

28. Do you experience both romantic and sexual attraction? Do you experience them the same across any gender(s) you are attracted to?

I experience sexual attraction, and I'm arospec.

Nadji and Remi both have the same thing going on, but at different capacities.

30. Are you monogamous or polyamorous?

Nadji: chuckles

Remi and I in unison: Relationship anarchy.

32. Do you do arts and crafts? Post a pic of a project you've done:

I NEED TO DO THIS FOR NADJI AT A LATER TIME.

34. What are you needing most right now (what would make your life easier or more fulfilling in regards to existing as queer)?

Anti-trans legislation stresses me out so...yeah.

Nadji: Y'all heard that new Khamari? It's fire.

Remi: shrugs Burn it all and start over.

#oc: remi #oc: nadji #oc: me #lmfao #this was fun thank you

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thispabulum-blog · 2 years

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It’s No Use Going Back to Yesterday

Thoughtful Thursday

"I could tell you my adventures – beginning from this morning,’ said Alice a little timidly: ‘but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

– Lewis Carroll (Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland)

This is gonna be a slightly different kind of post, a little less funny and a lot more emotionally vulnerable. You gotta start from where you are, I guess.

We're gonna lean on my girl Alice here, because Alice's Adventures in Wonderland has been one of my favorite books since I was a kid and I've always identified with her as a literary character. Her reckless curiosity, her zest for eating sketchy shit she finds lying around, her disastrously trusting and optimistic nature, her over-reliance on rules and structure, her "I guess this is just my life now" adaptability, her boorish lack of tact or respect for authority figures, her propensity for sobbing when things get difficult.

It's possible she may have been a role model for me. I guess I'll put that under the Cuddlebug category of "I'll write that down to bring up in therapy".

How do we begin this thing I don't want to talk about, then?

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice 'without pictures or conversation?'

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

No? Fine, then.

Monday night, I was doing a bad job of going to bed early, and I was struck with a sudden urge to do a dumbfuck thing that I've done before to terrible result and check Baymax's social media.

I checked his Twitch feed first, and there weren't any recent videos - even though I know for a fact that he's streamed several times in the last month because I've watched him a couple of times (which was also a dumbfuck thing to do, but whatever).

Next I checked his Twitter and Instagram, and there wasn't anything recent there either.

And I wish I had stopped there.

But of course I didn't.

I know I didn't

And you know I didn't

And I know that you know I didn't

Because this is a story about me being a fucking idiot, so there's only one direction for it to go.

Instead of just leaving well enough alone and going the fuck to sleep before 2 am, I checked his TikTok. And I saw that the most recent video was of him talking about how much he loves his fiancée.

"I'm sorry, his what now?" I hear you asking at your screen, so I'll say it a little louder for the people in the back.

His fucking fiancée.

I couldn't process this information. My brain broke. I installed the TikTok app (ugh) just so I could check the dates on his videos, because I wanted to know when they were posted. The video was from earlier that day.

As it turns out, scrolling back to two days after the last time we spoke on the phone - and in fact the last day that he responded to any of my texts - he posted a video about getting back together with his ex-girlfriend (she posted one as well; if I'm gonna be nosy I might as well go all-in).

As you can imagine, I had some thoughts and feelings about that.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from The Good Place - "You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion".

And because I can't drive an hour and a half to go knock on the door of his parents' house and say "Bro, what the fuck??" (...though if anyone is down for a road trip I'm not ruling out the idea entirely), I'm gonna use the rest of this space today for two things: For one, as a home for a thing I wrote for him, which I was quite happy with.

And two, for the opportunity to say some things that I guess at this point I'm not going to get the chance to say to him directly, the coward.

And then I'm going to try to stuff it in a box and shove it in the ol' brain closet like it's fucking Drop Dead Fred. Okay? Okay.

To preface the first: one night (something that has no bearing on anything, but you know I love a timeline check...it was the night before my first date with Cuddlebug) as we were on a long video call and saying all the sweet things to each other that you do when you're a fucking idiot, he asked me "why me?" in a way that he played off as a joke but I could tell was actually an important question for him - he was struggling so much with his self-worth and understanding that he was deserving of love, because, y'know, trauma. After he went to sleep or maybe the next morning, I sat down to write out an answer in hopes that I could clarify things for him, and it went a little astray because my writing meanders as much as my foreplay:

He applies himself to me like a balm, soothing the roughest parts of myself; not changing but healing. He doesn’t simply look but sees, and his blue eyes sparkle with compassion and wanting, repairing places in my heart that had been broken for so long I had forgotten the shape of them.

Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Is it possible for it to be this way? He is that fabled young lover: mild and beautiful, offering a marguerite by its long stem with his eyes lowered, his fingers a poem.

He says things like “always” in a way that makes me believe, makes promises that feel heavy on my heart with the weight of their meaning, looks at me with such admiration that I cannot meet his gaze, wants to give himself to me.

His love scares me, not because it feels wrong but because it feels right. It hurts not because I think I don’t deserve it, but because I know I do.

I grieve, I mourn, I weep for the versions of myself that have not been able to experience this.

He is the parts of me that are missing; that have been taken. He is the reflection of my heart.

There are things unspoken, things that need not be said, things on a level deeper than understanding.

He just wants to be held. His breath catches in his throat, and the words he is trying to say come out in frantic stutters. Too young to have been hurt this much; he wants to forget. He wants to feel safe. He wants new memories. His eyes are squeezed tight, trying to shut out the past. I whisper sweet nothings, tell him everything is okay and no one is going to hurt him now.

As he begins to relax, his hands find me, searching, pleading, and soon enough we are lost in each other again, that smooth transition from pain to pleasure that comes with feeling truly at home with another person, feeling as though you belong inside them as a piece of their own body.

We take turns being the comforted and the comforter, priest and supplicant, large spoon and small, providing a softness and stability that both of us have been searching for.

“Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,

te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:

así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,

tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,

tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.”

(Pablo Neruda)

It made him cry to read it; he said it was beautiful and he didn't want it to end. I worked most of it into my running essay Sleeping with Sad Boys, so I guess that's nice. Great. Totally worth it.

Time for the other thing.

An open letter to Baymax:

Wow.

Do you understand that the lying hurts so much worse than anything else?

Why couldn't you have been honest with me? Like holy shit, everything that we shared with each other, and somehow this was where you drew the line at communicating? What happened to beyond understanding? You know the walls I tore down for you, the personal rules of my own that I broke. You know how difficult it was for me to let myself feel anything for you, how much I resisted because it scared me, what I risked. You're the one who helped me understand why it felt that way, who knew before I did why I couldn't look you in the eye.

Did you think I wouldn't understand? That I wouldn't be okay with it? That I, barely a month off the breakup of the longest relationship of my life, wouldn't understand the impulse to go back to something familiar? Quick, your lack of compersion is showing. If I'm being charitable, I feel like you were trying to protect me from something, but ended up hurting me worse in the process.

I asked you, point-blank I asked you that fucking day, if you would tell me if this was something else. I quite literally said (because I have the texts):

Me: So if there's any possibility that you're just looking for a way to justify not wanting to be involved with me anymore, I'd hope that you'd be honest about that so that I can process it accordingly.

You: I'm being completely honest about all of this. And I'm sorry. I do love you too.

I gave you the easiest "out" you could have asked for, because something about it didn't feel right, and because (as I said to you so many times) my whole point in being with you was that I wanted to make things easier for you, not harder.

And still you lied to me. Fucking...why? All I wanted was a straight answer, and I feel like you owed me that much.

Was any of it real? That's the part that scares me, because once I know you've lied about one thing, it casts doubt on everything else that came before it. And what I'm left with is that you're either a terrifying manipulator, or you're just a child after all and you didn't understand the depth and the power of the things you were saying. I'd rather believe the latter.

Would I have done the same at your age? Was I just as soft? As naïve? As in love with the idea of love and not understanding the responsibility and the reality of it? Probably.

Maybe I should have known better when you told me you wanted someone to take you out of this real world and bring you into a sweet fantasy. Maybe that's all it was to you; a comforting idea of something that could never be.

For the record, I meant every word I ever said to you, and I regret none of it.

This would be so much easier if I could hate you, and I've tried, but I can't. If any of the things that you said were true, I still care about you, and I want what's best for you. I know you're lost, I know it's hard, I know you need someone you can devote yourself to. I want you to be happy, because you deserve that. So I hope that this relationship you're in now is healthy for you, and that you're able to continue to heal and grow.

And if there was anything real between us, whatever it was, for whatever length of time, I hope that it was helpful to you, that it was valuable to you, and that you're able to take that with you.

Anyway.

Thanks for letting me scream into the void for a while. I'm gonna go lie on top of my boyfriend now.

#Spotify #okcupid #dating #poly #online dating #dating app #tinder #men are trash #relationship #relationships #breakup

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orpheusdrinkinga40inadeathbasket · 4 years

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moses sumney, “bystanders” / c. p. cavafy, che fece...il gran refuto / moses sumney, grae (album art) / heather love, feeling backward: loss and the politics of queer history

#moses sumney #heather love #c. p. cavafy #bystanders #lyrics #queer theory #anyways! this song decked me

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theblipster · 3 years

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best of 2020.

sorry abt the late post. might get back to Tumblr, who knows? for now, here's what I thought was the best stuff from the worst year. c

movies.

Small Axe (Mangrove / Lovers Rock / Red, White & Blue / Alex Wheatley / Education) // dir. Steve McQueen

Da 5 Bloods // dir. Spike Lee

First Cow // dir. Kelly Reichardt

The Forty-Year-Old Version // dir. Radha Blank

Bacurau // dir. Kleber Mendonça Filho & Juliano Dornelles

David Byrne’s American Utopia // dir. Spike Lee

Soul // dir. Pete Docter, Kemp Powers

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm // dir. Jason Woliner

Time // dir. Garrett Bradley

Kajillionaire // dir. Miranda July

Boys State // dir. Jesse Moss & Amanda McBaine

The Vast of Night // dir. Andrew Patterson

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom // dir. George C. Wolfe

Tigertail // dir. Alan Yang

His House // dir. Remi Weekes

The Assistant // dir. Kitty Green

Possessor // dir. Brandon Cronenberg

Palm Springs // dir. Max Barbakow

The Trip to Greece // dir. Michael Winterbottom

She Dies Tomorrow // dir. Amy Seinmetz

albums.

Lianne La Havas // Lianne La Havas

Untitled (Black Is) // SAULT

RTJ4 // Run the Jewels

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t // Kehlani

SAWAYAMA // Rina Sawayama

Future Nostalgia // Dua Lipa

Women In Music, Pt. III // HAIM

R.Y.C. // Mura Masa

Song Machine, Season One: Strange Timez // Gorillaz

Circles // Mac Miller

Ungodly Hour // Chloe x Halle

We Will Always Love You // The Avalanches

INDUSTRY GAMES [EP] // CHIKA

Alfredo // Freddie Gibbs x The Alchemist

2017-2019 // Against All Logic

A Written Testimony // Jay Electronica (& Jay Z)

color theory // Soccer Mommy

græ // Moses Sumney

how I’m feeling now // Charli XCX

Black Habits // D Smoke

What’s Your Pleasure? // Jessie Ware

Punisher // Phoebe Bridgers

Dinner Party [EP] // Kamasi Washington, Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper & 9th Wonder

The Slow Rush // Tame Impala

Chromatica // Lady Gaga

folklore // Taylor Swift

A Beautiful Revolution // Common

Fetch the Bolt Cutters // Fiona Apple

UNLOCKED [EP] // Denzel Curry x Kenny Beats

It Is What It Is // Thundercat

Limbo // Aminé

Shabrang // Sevdaliza

After Hours // The Weeknd

Shore // Fleet Foxes

We’re New Again // Makaya McCraven x Gil Scott-Heron

FOREVER // Starchild & the New Romantic

songs // Adrienne Lenker

Heaven to A Tortured Mind // Yves Tumor

Streams of Thought, Vol. 3: Cane & Able [EP] // Black Thought

There’s Only Being Yourself // Radiant Children

songs.

“Bittersweet” // Lianne La Havas

“Ooh La La” // Run the Jewels f. Greg Nice & DJ Premier

“circle the drain” // Soccer Mommy

“Do It” // Chloe x Halle

“WAP” // Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion

“Wildfires” // SAULT

“Gospel For A New Century” // Yves Tumor

“Guilty Conscience” // 070 Shake

“CROWN” // CHIKA

“Bad Friend” // Rina Sawayama

“Freeze Tag” // Kamasi Washington, Terrace Martin, Robert Glasper, 9th Wonder & Phoelix

“forever” // Charli XCX

“Toxic” // Kehlani

“BALD!” // JPEGMAFIA

“The Pink Phantom” // Gorillaz f. Elton John & 6LACK

“Garden Song” // Phoebe Bridgers

“Cut Me” // Moses Sumney

“Savage [Remix]” // Megan Thee Stallion f. Beyoncé

“Good Morning” // Black Thought f. Pusha T, Swiss Beatz & Killer Mike

“Time (You & I)” // Khruangbin

“Gasoline” // HAIM

“The Box” // Roddy Ricch

“Ghost of Soulja Slim” // Jay Electronica (& Jay Z)

“WAKING UP DOWN” // Yaeji

“hand crushed by mallet [Remix]” // 100 gecs f. Fall Out Boy, Craig Owens & Nicole Dollanganger

“Lost In Yesterday” // Tame Impala

“Don’t Start Now” // Dua Lipa

“Take Care In Your Dreaming” // The Avalanches f. Denzel Curry, Sampa the Great & Tricky

“anything” // Adrienne Lenker

“Comeback” // Carly Rae Jepsen f. Bleachers

“Dior” // Pop Smoke

“Laugh Now Cry Later” // Drake f. Lil Durk

“BLACK PARADE” // Beyoncé

“Deal Wiv It” // Mura Masa f. Slowthai

“Black Qualls” // Thundercat f. Steve Lacy, Steve Arrington & Childish Gambino

“SUGAR [Remix]” // BROCKHAMPTON f. Dua Lipa & Jon B

“Something to Rap About” // Freddie Gibbs f. Tyler, the Creator

“Spotlight” // Jessie Ware

“Better Than I Imagined” // Robert Grasper f. H.E.R. & Meshell Ndegeocello

“Delete Forever” // Grimes

“minding_my business” // Knxwledge f. Durand Bernarr & Rose Gold

“Tape” // Starchild & the New Romantic f. Toro y Moi

“Blinding Lights” // The Weeknd

“DIET_” // Denzel Curry x Kenny Beats

“Hit Different” // SZA f. Ty Dolla $ign

“Rain On Me” // Lady Gaga f. Ariana Grande

“The Gates” // Aesop Rock

“Lose Your Love” // Dirty Projectors

“Gaslighter” // The Chicks

“say the name” // clipping.

television.

I May Destroy You (HBO)

Industry (HBO)

The Queen's Gambit (Netflix)

The Mandalorian (Disney+)

Tales from the Loop (Amazon)

The Boys (Amazon)

High Fidelity (Hulu)

P-Valley (Starz)

Ozark (Netflix)

Tiger King (Netflix)

Nate (Netflix)

Fargo (FX)

Insecure (HBO)

Lovecraft Country (HBO)

Betty (HBO)

Devs (FX)

Big Mouth (Netflix)

#best of #best of 2021 #movies #music #albums #songs #tv #television

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frank-pool · 3 years

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Tagged by: no one, but I saw @blk-sun doing it and I thought “lemme do one too lol”

F - “Fame”, by David Bowie

R - “’Round Midnight”, by Thelonious Monk

A - “Afrique Victime”, by Mdou Moctar

N - “Nude”, by Radiohead

K - “Keep On Knocking”, by Death

P - “Plastic”, by Moses Sumney

O - “Ordinary Pain”, by Stevie Wonder

O - “Overgrown”, by James Blake

L - “Let’s Get Blown”, by Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell

I tag @wearerra @atripecalledmogodu @realsaf @aveyzm @ohseth @nikidanger @x0fhound and whoever wants to do this

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newsagogos · 3 years

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(j'suis desole… tunglr dot hell refuses to let me send asks…) thought sharing hours!!! diff music i’ve been listening to is mort garson’s plantasia (it’s so cute…..) good thing that happened: got a 95 on my french exam >:) and also the three feet of snow here is finally melting!! media i’ve been getting into: hmmm i haven’t had time to rlly get into anything recently but i Very much want to read this is how you lose the time war (need to find an online copy tho 🙄) how about u??

it has been very fucky today huh?

oh that music’s so fun!!! it sounds veryyy familiar. it sounds like when in some old movie at the end they discover something like great in a very positive way and the music shifts and like there’s awe or something. you know what i mean?

OH congratulations!! on both the exam(french is hard) and the snow!

the book sounds awesome, good luck with the p*racy!(actually here’s a link to where to download it)

i’ve had the week off because the other departments were on strike and we weren’t so e got the week off instead of an extension on the semester and i should’ve used it to study but i haven’t been able to but like it’s fine, i’ll let last minute panic take over, i’ve been listening to moses sumney, his music is absolutely gorgeous that’s before getting into lyrics. and media is hmm i watched first 2 eps of doom patrol but haven’t continued and been reading the parable of the sower for book club, should finish it by saturday

#oh i thought the book's author's name sounded from around and apparently she's like got descends from here #thought hours #thanks for stopping by mx roswell!#astrovamps #submission

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vedeu · 3 years

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TASK TWO › CHARACTER PLAYLIST. /// 𝕧𝕖𝕕 𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕙

i've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin // my heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M. // so if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised // i'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide // to keep me alive, just keep me alive // somewhere to hide to keep me alive

listen here if you, too, are a m̴̢̛̭̺͚͆o̵͎̤͈͕̲͈͔̘͋̏̿̅̆͌̓̎͑ḓ̸͔̬̗̥̬̖̣̩̈́̊͛̅͂̄͌̿͝ē̵̢̛̼̪̹̫̭̮̐̇̄̏́͐͜ȓ̸͔̟̯̹̥̳̗̫̻͗̏̂̏̑̿̿͝n̷̘̠̪̭̞̗͇̍̉̈́̐ ̶͚̙͈͖͍̼͛̌̚m̵̘̉͐̄̀̑̚͘ą̶̨̨̛̠̥̳̻͚̾͐̑̿̏̾͆n̸͍̭̲͙͓͔̈́̓̓ 🤖

songs in the original playlist include:

Iron Man by Black Sabbath

Mr. Roboto by Styx

Maxwell's Silver Hammer by The Beatles

This Simulation Is A Good One by Nate Mercereau

Holograms by M83

A Glorious Dawn by Carl Sagan

My Body Is a Cage by Arcade Fire

Automatic (feat. Jenn Wasner) by Big Data

+9 songs from p's official hephaestus playlist:

/ when we're fire (cello version) x lo-fang / cut me x moses sumney / gong x kinnship / things we lost in the fire x bastille / homemade dynamite x lorde / freelance x toro y moi / vesuvius x sufjan stevens / machine x regina spektor / arsonist's lullabye x hozier /

#eutask #euplaylist #forever updating this #also added p's hephaestus playlist here because it's just so awesome!!!

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wildspringday · 9 months

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moses: “Self-Portrait in Aburi, 1957”

#<3 #p: moses sumney #photography!#*mine #mine: edits #art!#art #moses sumney

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carolynoberst · 3 years

Photo

“Flying High” just finished. 36 x 48 inches, oil on canvas. Full painting with a few details. As with all of my recent work, images are reflective of what’s around in our contemporary culture without a pre-conceived narrative to fulfill. In this case some of the players are - Andra Day, Moses Sumney, Angelic Kidjo, flying dancer from the Broadway revival of West Side Story, older photo recently published of Doris Day doing a handstand. The grey clouds surrounding the 3 main figures, are based on an image of an airstrike of the Jala Tower, Gaza, during a war with Israel, May 2021. The way these images come together has to do with their shapes creating an interesting composition. Interpretations are open to the viewer. In this case, I started with the idea of a central totem, but as I worked on it the painting decided it wanted to go wider. Have to follow what the painting seems to want. DM for further info. #carolynoberst #oilpainting #studioartist #artoninstagram #figurativeart #figurative #nyartistcircle #contemporaryartcollectors #andraday #mosessumney #angelickidjo #dorisday @nyartistscircle #contemporarypainting #womenpainters (at Tribeca) https://www.instagram.com/p/CR0AQPMFFtI/?utm_medium=tumblr

#carolynoberst #oilpainting #studioartist #artoninstagram #figurativeart #figurative #nyartistcircle #contemporaryartcollectors #andraday #mosessumney #angelickidjo #dorisday #contemporarypainting #womenpainters

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gonemechaniic · 3 years

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𝐌𝐮𝐧 𝐌𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐞

Tagged by: snatched from @ravusnightblossom Tagging: whoever wanna

T : Try - Madison McFerrin O : Ode to the Bouncer - Studio Killers P : Plastic - Moses Sumney M : Milk & Honey - Billie Marten E : Ego - Bibi Bourelly C : Crack my Heart - Tonight Alive H : Honeybee - Steam Powered Giraffe A : Anyone Else - Pvris N : Nina Cried Power ft. Mavis Staples - Hozier I : Invisible Plan - Kidneythieves I : I Want You - Savage Garden C : Crazy Scary Holy Fantasy - MYTH & ROID

#⚙ ;𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝒶𝓁𝓉 𝓆𝓊𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝒽 ( ooc )#might be aging myself with that SG mention x3

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eamonwhalen · 3 years

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Rap I Liked 2020

An attempt at an omnivorous list of rap songs from the year 2020 that undoubtedly missed many good songs.

In a Spotify Playlist

In an Apple Music Playlist

If you’d like to read what I wrote this year click here.

1. Quelle Chris and Chris Keys featuring Earl Sweatshirt, Denmark Vesey, Merill Garbus and Big Sen - Mirage

2. Mozzy featuring Blxst - I Ain’t Perfect

3. Jay Electronica featuring Jay-Z - A.P.I.D.T.A

Sleep well Lately, I haven't been sleepin' well I even hit the beach to soak my feet and skip some seashells Sleep well The lump inside my throat sometimes it towers like the Eiffel Sometimes I wonder do the trees get sad when they see leaves fell Sleep well The last time that I kissed you, you felt cold but you looked peaceful I read our message thread when I get low and need a refill Sleep well

4. Shabazz Palaces - Fast Learner

5. G-Herbo featuring Juice WRLD, Chance The Rapper and Lil Uzi Vert - PTSD

“People judge people from my city, or people who go through what we go through. It’s just the way you’re brought up and different situations that you experience that change your life and make you who you are. There’s a lot of people who would come to my city and not make it. There’s certain survival skills that you learn in Chicago from just naturally adapting to your environment. People judge us and outcast us from what they see on the outside but they really don’t know what’s going on on the inside. We’re making rational decisions because what we go through forces us to make those decisions. Just the older I get, the more serious I look at it. When I was younger I had my family taking care of me, and I was just living life like a kid. But by 14-15, there’s a lot of kids in my city who are living the lives of adults at that age. Other places people don’t live like that. When I was 16 I started to see people die around me. In my city theres so little to depend on, so people take other options to survive and make a way for themselves. At a young age you start learning this,” - G-Herbo, from an interview I did with him a few years ago.

6. 21 Savage and Metro Boomin’ featuring Young Thug - Rich N***a Shit

the sounds of luxury

7. Sada Baby - Slide

8. Megan Thee Stallion - Circles

https://youtu.be/TwZl9WCHjnc

9. Polo G - Martin & Gina

10. Gunna - Skybox

11. Pop Smoke - Yea Yea

Rest in Peace Pop Smoke

https://pitchfork.com/thepitch/pop-smoke-dior-protest-music/

12. Bfb Da Packman featuring Sada Baby - Free Joe Exotic

13. NBA Youngboy - The Story of OJ (Top Version)

14. Bris - Me Important

Rest In Peace Tricky Dance Moves

15. Playboi Carti - @ MEH

16. Navy Blue featuring Ka - In Good Hands

“Even friends in a frenzy became ravenous

Brothers named universal, wise, supreme became savages

It's said the common thread with our enemies

Is we was all men in need with no amenities

Couldn't sit in peace, we each hit the streets for remedies

Through the hatred accumulate a hundred arms we was centipedes

The stress of empty pantries kept us antsy

No lie, essentials essentially in a shanty

Could give scripture but that big picture is what you can't see

Every grain I spelt is what helped enhance me

Went from gun waving to saving lives

I give sight to the blind just for the 85

That's what I was in the line of scrimmage

Lost some folks of course, that growth redefined percentage

Doomed in the womb, surprised I ain't see a hanger

Start questioning affection when all you see is anger,

But now I’m in good hands, surrounded by good women, good babies, good mans,”

-Ka

17. Lil Uzi Vert - Chrome Heart Tags

18. SahBabii - Double Dick

19. Rezcoast Grizz - Water

20. Future featuring Drake, Da Baby and Lil Baby - Life Is Good Remix

21. Drakeo The Ruler featuring Icewear Vezzo and ALLBLACK - We Know The Truth

The Ruler’s home. Read Jeff Weiss on Drakeo’s trial and release, and the book Rap On Trial for an underreported and understudied phenomenon.

22. Future and Lil Uzi Vert - That’s It

23. Shordie Shordie - Save A Little

coolest new voice in Rap

24. Busta Rhymes featuring Kendrick Lamar - Look Over Your Shoulder

25. Cam & China - Know What I’m Saying

https://youtu.be/H1JSWy9lxuk

26. Ovrkast featuring Navy Blue - Face

27. J Hus featuring icee tgm - Helicopter

Shaitan in police uniform Feds in a helicopter I seen pigs fly but I never seen a unicorn Tryna find cover on somebody's front lawn I see an undercover and he had his gun drawn Didn't like me 'cause I'll never conform Man want beef, but they'll never come forth Like CB, all I need is one corn You see me alone but I got a strong force No man can ever put my life on pause They enslaved my ancestor, no remorse I bring knowledge to Europe, just like the Moors The knowledge, they need it, they cravin' for more Left the yard before the jakes kicked in the door Have you seen a lengman drop his stick on the floor? Say you wanna bang, you don't look like you're sure

28. Demahjiae featuring Mejiwahn, Michael Sneed and Pink Siifu - Wild & Fireflies

29. Lil Baby featuring 42 Dugg - We Paid

No choice but to respect someone who is not only still rockin’ with the Detroit Lions in 2020 but says so much on the biggest song of his career thus far.

30. Ka - Patron Saints

31. Benny The Butcher - Famous

32. Key! - Spend One Night

33. Smino featuring JID and Kenny Beats - Baguetti

34. Open Mike Eagle - Death Parade

35. OMB Peezy - Sleep At Night

36. Mick Jenkins - “Carefree”

read me on Mick Jenkins circa 2016.

37. Chris Brown and Young Thug featuring Lil Duke and Gunna - Big Slimes

38. Freddie Gibbs and Alchemist - God Is Perfect

39. Chester Watson - Life Wrote Itself

40. Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats - DIET

read me on Denzel Curry circa 2015

41. Young Dolph - Hold Up Hold Up Hold Up

Still probably the coolest thing any rapper has done in years.

42. Dua Saleh - Hellbound

43. Rod Wave - Fuck The World

44. Young Nudy - Deeper Than Rap

45. Bobby Raps - Believe The Lie

Alex Howard, more like Alex Garland!

46. Saba - So and So

47. 2 Chainz featuring TyDollaSign - Can’t Go For That

https://youtu.be/ccenFp_3kq8

48. Blu and Exile - The Feeling

49. astralblak - Out In The Woods

50. Key Glock - Word On the Streets

51. Black Thought featuring Portugal. The Man & The Last Artful, Dodgr - Nature of the Beast

I feel like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, less Denzel Washington When people are watching me If the right amount of likes and follows can make me less hollow I'd somehow be more complete But people tend to be more toxic so we see more gossip And there's tension on the streets

52. Flo Milli - Not Friendly

53. Shootergang Kony - Still Kony 2

54. Homeboy Sandman - Trauma

55. Kevin Gates - Weeks

56. Pink Siifu and Fly Anakin - Open Up Shop

57. P Will aka Prince Williams - Survival

58. Cupcakke - Discounts

59. Nas - Ultra Black

60. Spillage Village - End Of Daze

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/04/magazine/societal-collapse.html

What I listened to most besides songs by artists on this list:

Jazmine Sullivan’s live performances of Lost One and Pick Up Your Feelings

Other stuff that doesn’t really belong on a Rap list:

Liv.e, Brent Faiyaz, Helado Negro, Slauson Malone, Chronixx, Contour, King Krule, Kehlani, Moses Sumney, Thundercat, Soccer Mommy.

Best books I read that were published in 2020: The Jakarta Method by Vincent Bevins and I Got A Monster by Brandon Soderberg and Baynard Woods

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vandroid-helsing · 3 years

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Best of 2020

As always, this is organized by medium but not ranked. And it’s the best things I personally experienced for the first time in 2020, not necessarily things that came out this year.

Books & Comics:

It Never Happened Again, Sam Alden

The Decameron, Boccaccio

Piranesi, Susanna Clarke

The Harrowing of Hell, Evan Dahm

Island Book, Evan Dahm

The Scottish Boy, Alex de Campi

In Bibi’s Kitchen, Hawa Hassan

Mare Internum, Der-shing Helmer

Into The Drowning Deep, Mira Grant

Deaf Republic, Ilya Kaminsky

Something That May Shock and Discredit You, Daniel M. Lavery

The Complete Orsinia, Ursula K. Le Guin

Bright Dead Things, Ada Limón

Judas, Jeff Loveness/Jakub Rebelka

Wolf Hall, Hilary Mantel

Bring Up The Bodies, Hilary Mantel

Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston

Beneath the Rising, Premee Mohammed

The Magic Fish, Trung Le Nguyen

The Ring of the Nibelung, P. Craig Russell

Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi

Station Eleven, Emily St. John Mandel

Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray

Letters from Father Christmas, JRR Tolkien

Smith of Wootton Major, JRR Tolkien

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, unknown, trans. JRR Tolkien, Simon Armitage, Bernard O’Donoghue (yes I read three separate editions this year

Movies:

Hereditary

Orlando

Paperhouse

The Vast of Night

The Lighthouse

Frankenstein (2015)

The Sweet Hereafter

The Gospel According to Matthew

King Lear (so many versions)

The Love Witch

Coherence

Midnight Special

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Cuties

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Candyman

The Wicker Man (original, not Cage)

What Did Jack Do?

Little Women

Parasite

TV:

Kings

Taste the Nation

Cowboy Bebop

The Golden Girls

Hannibal

The Baby-Sitters Club

Nadiya’s Time to Eat

Music:

Akhnaten, Philip Glass

Dreamland, Glass Animals

Chromatica, Lady Gaga

In This Light And On This Evening and Violence, Editors

S16, Woodkid

Re-Animator, Everything Everything

Show Pony, Orville Peck

græ, Moses Sumney

Dedicated Side B, Carly Rae Jepsen

Random:

The Sewers of Paris (normally I’d have a section just for podcasts but I didn’t start enough new ones in 2020)

Fried rice from Paju

Clothes from Orttu

Metallic jackets

“The Union” hamburger from 8 Oz. Burger & Co

Myrtle Edwards Park

Streaming Jackbox games with friends

Voting out the orange son of a bitch

Roasted goose from The Forme of Cury

#best of #best of 2020 #best of lists

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sweet-royalty · 4 years

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Never Been in Love

Summary: Patton is alone at home and is enjoying this time dancing and filling himself with pride (Extremely self-indulgent but at this point all my fanfics are like this and I have no shame at all so yeah xP)

Genre: Songfic (Will Jay, Marina and the Diamonds and Moses Sumney)

Word Count: 3371 words (9 pages)

Pairings (All of them are heavily mentioned but they are not the focus of the story): Queerplatonic LAMP, Romantic Analogince and Romantic Dukeceit

Content: Slight Angst w/ Comfort; Human!AU; Aro!Patton; Closeted Aromantic; Virgil, Roman and Logan are romantically dating and each one of them are Patton’s QPPs; Fluff; Just pure fluff despite many things; Sympathetic Deceit; Sympathetic Remus; Hoh!Deceit; Sign Names mentioned for 2 characters; Hoh experience written by someone who is not hoh (read as “please tell me if I’m doing something wrong”); Non White Sides;

Trigger Warning: Nudity (without sexual content or genitalia description), Snake mention, Amatonormativity (the characther is not actually arophobic, he just doesn’t know Patton is aromantic) (Tell me if I forgot to tag something)

Disclaimer: I couldn’t find a hand sign for “vitiligo” other than actually spelling it to make as Deceit’s sign name so his sign name in this story might not be so good. If you have any other suggestion for his sign name and explain how to sign it I’ll really appreciate it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Don't you want somebody to never let you go? Knowing someone's body better than your own Don't you want a family with a white picket fence? Tell me when's the wedding, the names of all your kids” Will Jay – Never Been in Love

Being alone at home was always one of the best things that could happen for Patton.

Not because he doesn’t like his family but because he enjoys the freedom of being alone. And this time, the house would be all his for the whole day. His parents were taking his brother to see if they could fix his hearing-aid or buy him another one. And after that they would take him for a sleepover at the twins house and go out to celebrate their marriage birthday. It was simply P E R F E C T.

Patton noticed his brother walking in the room and sitting on the sofa in front of him while their parents were going back and forth taking everything they need. He knew what that meant. That’s usually what they do when they want to talk privately. Patton paused his music player and left the cellphone behind.

- Sorry about your hearing aid, D - he signed with a sad face.

The last sign made him sulk

- I adore when you call me like this - he said rolling his eyes when pointing his index and middle finger to the side and touching his heart so Patt would know he was being sarcastic. He giggled.

- Ok, can you teach me the s-n-a-k-e sign again, please?

D made a two with his fingers, pointing to Patton, brought his hand to his chin then lowered it with a zig-zag movement like a snake moving. He repeated the movement but instead of a two he rised his index finger and touched the other ones together forming a “d” with his hand.

He gave him the thumbs up. D’s love for snakes made him really happy for being given this sign.

- Don’t worry about my hearing aid - he showed his broken aid, hand painted as a snake – I’ll paint a new one if we can’t fix it

- What are you doing with this one then?

He shrugged then placed his index and thumb together under his nose and slid it on his upper lip before crossing his fingers. “Mustache” followed by “R”.

The sign he gave to one of the twins.

- Remus asked if I can give it to him if we can’t fix. Maybe he wants to open it? I don’t know

Patton smiled and gave him a malicious face.

- You will be cuddling with your boyfriend!

- Remus is not my boyfriend! - he sulked while grunting.

Patton tried not giggling too loud, since D could still hear something from his right ear.

- Ok, he’s your crush. I hope you’ll have fun

He rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything else to defend himself.

- You’re lucky you don’t have a crush. I’ll make your life a living hell when you do!

Patt snorted.

- Good luck

“… with that” he meant.

“I'm not missing someone that I've never met Maybe a little scared, still I don't care” Will Jay – Never Been in Love

Patton took some of his clothes off having just a baby blue long T-shirt covering his brown-skinned body, feeling the wind from the open window run through him. He spinned around the room and laid down to the sofa, grabbing his phone and scrolling to see if there were any new messages for him.

Roman (7:01 AM): Good morning~ Who is ready for today?

Virgil (7:02 AM): Ro, it’s 7 in the fucking morning

Virgil (7:02 AM): Lemme sleep

Roman (7:02 AM): I’m sorry, lil sunshine

Roman (7:03 AM): But if you actually were sleeping you wouldn’t be answering it!

Virgil (7:05 AM): Ooooor maybe I WAS sleeping but then a stupid bird sound woke me up!

Roman (7:05 AM): Not my fault if you sleep with your phone glued to your face!

Logan (7:05 AM): Can you stop bickering this early in the morning?

Logan (7:05 AM): We’ll be ready when the time comes, Roman. No need to rush.

Roman (7:07 AM): Oh my lovely nerd

Roman (7:07 AM): I meant to ask if you were excited

Roman (7:07 AM): Not if you were literally ready.

Roman (7:08 AM): The movie is only at 7 PM

Virgil (7:08 AM): I’m extremely excited, your highness

Virgil (7:09 AM): Now would you please stop texting here and let me sleep?

Roman (7:09 AM): As you wish, my love <3

Virgil (7:10 AM): -_- <3

Virgil (10:23 AM): Ok, now I’m up

Patton (10:30 AM): Good morning, my dears ^_^ <3

Patton (10:30 AM): Are you going to the movies today?

Virgil (10:33 AM): Sup, Patt

Virgil (10:35 AM): Yeah… I kinda won 3 movie tickets…

Virgil (10:35 AM): We’d call you but the movie isn’t really your type

Virgil (10:36 AM): I’m so sorry, Patt :( I didn’t mean to exclude you or anything…

Patton (10:36 AM): No no! I didn’t feel like this at all, love!

Patton (10:37 AM): Don’t worry! I’m happy that you’re goin out!

Patton (10:37 AM): Send me pictures of you once you meet, I wanna see your pretty faces <3 <3

Virgil (10:38 AM): Are you sure? :/

Roman (10:39 AM): Patt, you’re just as important as any of us. We don’t want to make you feel like a third wheel.

Logan (10:39 AM): Just because you’re not involved with us romantically that doesn’t make our platonic feelings for you less important.

Virgil (10:40 AM): Just tell us if something is bothering you, ok?

Roman (10:40 AM): Yes, if you want we can try to see each other earlier so even if you don’t go to the movie we can at least see each other

Logan (10:40 AM): Yes, we’d gladly do this for you

Patton’s smile got wider. He was being sincere when he said he wasn’t feeling excluded and he knew how genuine that invitation was because they all genuinely loved him as much as he did and in the same way he did.

As strong as everything he could feel.

They were the friends he never wanted to miss, they were the people he could always count for and know they’d do anything to help him just like he’d do anything for them and they didn’t need to be in love with each other for it.

Patton (10:43 AM): You’re amazing, loves <3 But really I’m not feeling like going anywhere today. D went out with our parents and I’ll be alone the whole day, I think I’ll spend this time with myself here at home ^_^ But I appreciate it, really. I love you so much ;u; <3

Roman (10:43 AM): Anything for you, my dear! Enjoy your day!

Virgil (10:43 AM): We love you, ok? We’ll make sure to include you next time.

Virgil (10:43 AM): Promise

Logan (10:44 AM): Tell us if you need something or change your mind

Patton (10:44 AM): I love you too <3 Don’t worry

Patton swiped the chat group off and searched for something to listen while baking some cookies

“I know exactly what I want and who I wanna be. I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy” Marina and the Diamonds - Oh No!

Patton was mouthing the lyrics while scooping the cookie dough. His shoulders wiggling with the song’s catchy rhythm as he felt every beat controlling his body.

Patton didn’t really listen to Marina and the Diamonds so often but Roman successfully made him addicted to this song. Last time he came to sleepover they danced together the whole night and without noticing they were practically lip-synching this song, which was so amazing and powerful that Patton never left this rush go.

He turned the stove on, started the chronometer and just left the music flowing through his body

Patton twirled off the kitchen, the wind following his movements filling his legs with a chilling sensation that would only make his movements more and more powerful.

He was throwing his head back with his eyes closed, shaking it so hard that Patton could feel the curls of his hair touching his cheeks making him smile as bright as the sun.

That’s what he likes the most about being alone. As long as nobody could see he could be as cheerful, loud and expressive as he wants without any judgement. He could manage to make his entire body feel happiness and express it in it’s own way.

He could shake his as weird and as careless he wanted.

His thoughts were cut off by a loud ringing.

- Oops! Almost forgot my cookies!

“Oh yeah I'm tired of falling Oh yeah For someone else's story 'Cause he gets the girl and I get ticket stubs I guess it's time to write my own personal version of love” Will Jay – Version of Love

Patton (6:34 PM): Hey, Dee! Are you already at Remus and Roman’s house?

DD (6:40 PM): Hey there. Yeah, we’re watching the Saw movie for the 4th time this year -_-

Patton (6:40 PM): Wow…

Patton (6:41 PM): Why you never tell him you don’t like this movie?

DD (6:42 PM): No one likes to hear him beaming about the deaths and all the gore stuff.

DD (6:42 PM): And it’s funny to hear him laughing when that woman tries to reach the keys and ends up trapped

Patton (6:44 PM): Awwwww

Patton (6:45 PM): It’s cute that you do that just to see him happy

DD (6:50 PM): -___-

DD (6:51 PM): If you wanna see it this way

DD (6:55 PM): At least the movie don’t make me feel uncomfortable so it’s more bearable

Patton (6:56 PM): Yup

DD (7:00 PM): Hey, Patton

Patton (7:01 PM): Yes?

DD (7:02 PM): I think I’ll try to tell him tonight

Patton (7:05 PM): Tell what?

DD (7:02 PM): Don’t worry, I’m hidden in the bathroom. He’s not seeing our messages.

Patton (7:03 PM): Oh, ok!

Patton (7:04 PM): Well, good luck! ^^ I’m pretty sure things will turn out fine

DD (7:05 PM): I’m not worried about it

Patton (7:05 PM): Pfff

Patton (7:05 PM): Sure ;)

DD (7:06 PM): urgh

DD (7:07 PM): You should tell Roman too

Patton sighed. There we go again.

Patton (7:07 PM): D, I told you before. I’m not in love with Roman…

Patton (7:08 PM): He is my best friend, just like Logan and Virgil.

DD (7:08 PM): Well, I never said you were not in love with them TOO

DD (7:09 PM): Look

DD (7:10 PM): I know talking to mom and dad will be hard

DD (7:11 PM): It is hard for me too

DD (7:11 PM): But you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to

DD (7:12 PM): None of us have

DD (7:13 PM): I’ve always hid my relationships very well, and you know that

DD (7:13 PM): I can help you so they won't find anything out too

DD (7:14 PM): Or… Idk, protect you if they react badly about it

DD (7:14 PM): Just know that I’m on your side, ok?

DD (7:14 PM): I’ll never judge you for being who you really are

DD (7:14 PM): And polyamorous relationships usually go great

Patton didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t the first time they talked about it.

No matter how many times Patton would say he’s not interested in anyone, D would try to say that he’s in love with Roman or one of his boyfriends.

Or act like he will be in love with someone someday.

But Patton highly doubted that and was pretty fine with it

Patton (7:15 PM): I know, D

Patton (7:15 PM): I love you

DD (7:16 PM): I need to go back now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow

Patton (7:16 PM): Good luck!

He never told his brother about being aromantic and all this talk actually makes him less inclined to do so. He knew he means well despite everything, so Patton never felt like yelling or fighting with him for insisting on it.

But at the same time…

He was so DONE.

It was already difficult for him to find out who he really is.

It was already a huge pain to see that the fact that he doesn’t feel OK with the idea of being romantically attached to someone. That this whole thing actually makes him feel sadder, empty and chained just by the simple thought of it because “that’s what everyone needs to feel”.

It was already difficult for him to see how he can explain his relationship with Logan, Virgil and Roman.

Yes, they were made for each other.

No, he never wants them to go away.

Yes, he loves them A LOT.

But his love was not romantic.

His 3 partners were dating each other romantically but they all see Patton as someone just as important in their lives, even if they don’t see him as a boyfriend.

When they found out about Queerplatonic Relationships it was like big realization and a good way to include Patton in their lives that was not just a simply “he’s my best friend”.

And that makes him so happy, special and wanted he didn’t need or wished anything else.

But it was almost like the whole world was revolved in romance and that was the only way for anyone to find happiness. Like not having a romantic partner meant you’d be “alone forever” as if that was the worst thing ever.

Patton was not alone.

Patton was not unhappy.

Patton was not repressing feelings anymore.

Patton was free. Patton was Patton.

And that was everything he needed.

Why wouldn’t anyone get this? Why was everyone so fixated on it? Why-

- No! – Patton murmured before eating one last cookie and getting up from the sofa and turning his TV off – I’m not letting this ruin my day. I’m gonna take a shower.

“Am I vital If my heart is idle? Am I doomed? … If lovelessness is godlessness Will you cast me to the wayside?” Moses Sumney - Doomed

Ok, maybe choosing this album to listen while taking a shower wasn’t a very uplifting choice. Not that his songs are bad. But they were not the type of songs for you to feel good, it’s more like a song to give you a relatable feeling. Something might make you say “yes, that’s what happens to me".

But the shower did gave him some good, since the cold water mixed with Moses’s voice echoing through the walls were relaxing and almost swooning, like meditating. Logan taught him how to fixate his thoughts in one single thing until he could slowly focus on the sensations of his surroundings and Patton particularly enjoyed doing this in the shower.

Patton threw his naked body in the bed and turned to see his own reflection in the mirror close to it.

He stared at his freckles, covering his entire brown body, and smiled as he remembered how Virgil made a small comment about how much he likes it because as a child he used to look at people with freckles and try to form constellations with them and it was like they have a little piece of the sky with them. That was the best “non-intentionally” cute comment he ever made.

He sat on the side of his bed and stared the mirror, giving more attention to his own details. He looked through his whole “galaxy body” passing some of his fingers through them, mentally picturing the whole sky moving around it. He never knew why but sometimes imagining things like this made him feel so good and at least for a second forget about everything else.

- Let’s see this galaxy dance.

He picked up his phone, chose the first song that came with shuffle mode and got up.

“You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable You are not a robot You're lovable, so lovable But you're just troubled” Marina and the Diamonds – I Am Not a Robot

This time he danced slowly and with his eyes closed.

His arms embracing his body and his movements had no shape or choreography.

It was just free and random.

Patton’s hands were running through his arms gently, like a self-cuddle, having this short moment to love himself.

He was moving his shoulders inclined his head behind and instead of just mouthing the lyrics, Patton allowed himself to actually sing.

He definitely was not.

He was a human being.

A lovely human being.

“It's okay to say you've got a weak spot You don't always have to be on top Better to be hated Than loved loved loved for what your not”

Later that night, now completely undercovers and almost ready to sleep, he received a photo from the chat group of Roman, Virgil and Logan in the cafeteria after watching their movie.

The image of the latino man and the black goth kissing each side of the ginger haired nerd made Patton smile fondly.

Patton (11:12 PM): Omg, you all look so adorable <3

Patton (11:12 PM): I’m happy you enjoyed your movie :3

Virgil (11:14 PM): Yeah, it was really cool

Virgil (11:15 PM): Logan and Roman wouldn’t stop geeking around it after the movie, they almost didn’t finished their meal

Roman (11:16 PM): Oh, come on! There were many things to think about after that

Virgil (11:17 PM): I’m not complaining, charming prince. It was cute seeing you theorizing things.

Roman (11:17 PM): UwU

Roman (11:20 PM): But hey! I guess we were not the only one who had a good movie night ¬u¬~

Roman sent a picture of his twin, laying on the living room’s couch, sleeping with his mouth open and his eyes slightly allowing to see his sclera as a short man with a small vitiligo around his left eye was sleeping on him with this arms embracing the rat man. Patton cooed upon the vision of his brother in such a lovely state.

Roman (11:22 PM): @Patton Morales blackmail? >:)

Patton (11:23 PM): Pffff come on, Roman. We both know none of us would do this xD

Roman (11:23 PM): Urgh, yeah you right…

Roman (11:23 PM): Ah to be a poor honest man, who loves his brother too much

Roman (11:23 PM): ú-ù

Virgil (11:25 PM): Say this for yourselves, I have no sympathy for those dirty little sinners

Roman (11:25 PM): omg VIRGIL!

Virgil (11:26 PM): Urrrrrrgh alright alright, I’m the one who’s not allowed to be a jerk. Sorry.

Roman (11:27 PM): I’m afraid some sins shall not be forgiven, sweet pudding… ú-ù

Virgil (11:27 PM): Tsc, fuck you then. I want my Nightmare Before Christmas DVDs back

Patton (11:27 PM): Omg, dears. Not this late at night xD

Virgil (11:28 PM): lol ok, Patt. Don’t worry, I was just kidding

Virgil (11:28 PM): I highly support your brothers

Virgil (11:29 PM): I love you all

Roman (11:29 PM): I love you too, storm cloud <3

Patton finished to curl up on his bed, hugging one of his pillows like a teddy bear and smiled to the phone screen with his lovely partners texts

Patton (11:30 PM): Hey, loves?

Virgil (11:30 PM): Yeah?

Roman (11:31 PM): Yes, Patton?

Patton (11:32 PM): I know this will sound random but… Thank you

Patton (11:32 PM): Thank you for being with me for so long

Patton (11:32 PM): Thank you for accepting and understanding me

Patton (11:33 PM): Thank you for being so kind and so nice and for having me in your lifes

Patton (11:33 PM): Having you as my partners was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t know how I’d be able to live without any of you

Patton (11:34 PM): I just have a lot of feelings hehe

Patton (11:34 PM): Anyway… That’s it. I’m going to sleep now but I had to say it.

Patton (11:35 PM): I love you, dears!

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