because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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Okay I... am maybe not the best person to talk about this but I have serious problems with Jessie Gender's new video, When Your Favorite Creator Turns Out to Be Zionist.
Let me first say - I like Jessie Gender. I watched many of her videos and I think she has a lot of very interesting, moving, important things to say about topics like queerness, humanity and such.
But this video just... irked me.
I do not like how she talks about Zionists and Zionism. I have seen how the word Zionist is used against Jewish people. I am not the best person to put it into words but I do not like it when it is used as an insult or implied to be inherently a bad thing.
She seems to use it to mean "person who supports Israel's actions" (implied to support what she calls a genocide throughout the video) and that... is not right.
There are other issues I have as well with the video, like comparing the I/P situation to the Holocaust. There are more things but I am honestly not qualified to speak on them.
Before someone accused me of "supporting a genocide" - I do not. I wish for peace and safety for Palestinians AND Israelis. (And since I have been called a Zionist in the past - I do not consider myself to be one.)
I am just generally disappointed by a creator I like tbh.
I don't think I got my thoughts across very well. I'll be on the lookout for posts made by Jewish people about this video.
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used to daydream about fairytale reconciliations after pretty much every platonic or romantic fallout i ever had, but sometimes it’s healthier to just accept that someone will never own up bc they don’t think you’re worth the trouble. anyone who truly cares would move mountains just to make sure that they communicate w you if they truly want to rectify the situation. but sometimes it’s their ego getting in the way, sometimes they have a narrative of you in their head they’re determined not to break, and sometimes they just don’t care enough about you to even consider it. they don’t have respect for the friendship or relationship in its posthumous state bc it was nothing to them, or at the very least it doesn’t eclipse their pride or their desire to appear correct in a situation or just outright the need to be done w the situation rather than be a good person. still guilty of this but i’ve been getting better at just nipping the delusion in the bud and just being okay w accepting that someone truly does not care. until they prove they do that is the assumption i go w every time. and it is saving me a lot of heartache
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katsuki is such a deep sleeper but once you move to leave the bed suddenly he’s up
asking slurred questions: “w’s wrong? cant sleep?” while trying to grab you and get you back into bed
you just answer “‘m gettin water katsuki lemme go” all groany trying to get out of his hold
he doesn’t let go easy but once he does he follows you through the house into the kitchen. you get yourself a nice cold water bottle with condensation around it(AGGHHH) and drink. like the creep he is he stares at you but you can’t notice bc he’s wrapped himself around your back. you offer his some water and he downs the rest(greedy loser). then you both go back to bed, which katsuki decides to pull you in close and never let go(even if you die of thirst)
anyway love you caitie❤️❤️
All that intense hero training and a whole. entire. war. just for him to be able to go from dead-to-the-world and Snoring to ... ready to run a mile after you around the house..........
Even if all you gotta do is pee, too... you're coming back to bed all groggy eyed to find his wide open, like he was just sitting there, making sure you were going to the bathroom and Nothing Else. Cuz you're right, if it's water, then he's right there beside you the whole time and drinking the whole thing on the way back upstairs (that is, after you manage to get him to let go of your wrist and stop all the get back in bed-ing...for someone who complains about your whining, he's surprisingly? Unsurprisingly? no better).
Please, please, please, for his sake, just keep a full water cup by the side of your bed and make sure to use the bathroom right before laying down, too (even if he's whining about how long you take then also) just so you can stayed wrapped up with him for the max amount of time possible🥺🥺🥺 Doesn't that seem like the best solution?
(^^ don't tell him I snitched, but bakugo told me to write that last bit, btw)
Love u more, anon!!🩷🩷🩷
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wonderful tiny interactions.
The guy at the post office couldn’t care less about proof of residence he was openly shouting ‘mam do you have anything to prove you live at this address’, before whispering ‘i don’t actually care’
and as i was scrolling trying to find an energy bill he just looked over my phone went: OKAY GREAT and handed me my package with a quiet don’t tell my boss
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Stunt Double • July 2021.
Facing you, I am
tidally locked. I am not yet
caught in orbit.
I want to be a body
for you. Know this:
I am only as good as you are willing to be
to me. There is nothing
but the sound of the mirror
shattering. No light between us
but the sound of the mirror.
To me, there is nothing.
I am only as good as you are willing to be.
For you know this:
I want to be a body
caught in orbit,
tidally locked. I am not yet
facing you. (I am.)
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