#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[dnphobe]

Looking at how they've presented themselves over time is always interesting. I think the queer experience of slowly questioning societal and gender norms (and gender, in many cases) is something I recognize in them. Im also curious how Phil's journey is different because he was out to his close ones for a lot longer, and it feels like Dan has more fun shouting about being gay because of the trauma that he associated with the label. I loved seeing their support of queer identities even when they were publicly closeted. It's nice that, even if they weren't comfortable being out, they wanted everyone to know they were a safe space

i agree! the different ways they've presented themselves to us over the years is one of my favourite topics to talk about tbh!

dan's journey wrt to gender presentation and how he feels about gender (not gonna theorise on how he identifies bc what do i know, but to quote him he's fine with being viewed as a man but also not offended if people use pronouns/gendered terms outside of that to refer to him) is interesting because he's said he's always been "flamboyant" but tried to hide that in his youtube career for a long time, and he's gone from saying "i can't do it i'm just such a boy" about painting his nails to having them painted more often than not, but also in day in the life of manchester he said he sometimes wishes he was a girl when looking at 'women's clothing', so it's clearly something he's felt for a long time.

i don't think phil necessarily feels the same pull to be gender non-conforming, but it is also something he's struggled with doing (in one of the stereo shows, when talking about the maid dress he wore in VPMO 2, he said that while it was a cheap joke outfit, a few years ago he would not have felt comfortable wearing a dress at all) so that might be something he's still working toward being comfortable with, but at the same time he's never felt shame about telling us things like he likes using raspberry scented body wash or that he does skin care (while when phil mentioned doing skin care dan was clutched by toxic masculinity saying "don't do- i mean that's fine!"

agree with dan having more fun shouting about being gay because of the trauma and i'm so glad he's reached where he is now! phil...i think for a long time he thought he didn't NEED to shout about being gay, especially because like you said he was out to a few people for longer. but i think it's something he realised he DID want to do after coming out to us. as he said in his coming out one year later video he didn't realise how much of himself he was holding back from us by not being out and it feels like a weight off his shoulders now. i think they both love being gay and shouting about being gay and celebrating that with us and im so proud of phil too <3 i actually have a hot take which is i think if it wasn't for dan's coming out he might have never fully come out to us, not just in a "if dan never had he never would have" way, but in a "if he and dan never met he wouldn't have" way, because he IS a private person and didn't think he was missing out on anything.

i am always so glad they made sure we knew they were accepting of us even if they weren't ready to be out. ngl it got kind of rough in like 2012 for me when dan was so adamantly against people thinking he was gay my own internalised homophobia brain went "does he hate gay people?" but that's on me, not him, or more accurately on BOTH of our internalised homophobia situations lmao. but yeah they've always been so sweet about their queer and trans fans, and one thing i personally appreciate so much is how they will use they/them for any fan they don't know the gender of no matter what their name/appearance/voice would make other people assume their gender to be! i feel so safe with them, and im gonna add this bc im still sappy after this weekend, so safe with phannies too <3 i think phannies queer identities and dnp's queer identities have ALWAYS flowed into each other and both sides of the parasocial line have made the other side feel safe and grow into their identities and helped them accept and appreciate other people's identities.

[radios-universe]

how come you like heartstopper and not romance? is it that you like the idea of romance but not the real thing? did you say romance as in you just don't like being involved in it yourself?

i have no idea what post this might be referring to or maybe just in general but i probably have talked about this so here we go!

fun ask to get tbh i Do talk about this a lot

short answer: you’re right, i enjoy consuming romance media (especially queer media) because i love the idea of romance…. however, when i personally have gotten too close to it in the past, i just freak out.

no matter how much i think i want it, my brain and my body just shut down when i get too close… and then the aftermath of that can feel pretty shit! bc usually i’m just annoyed at myself in some weird way, as if i didn’t just experience the same thing as i did last time, and the time before….

LONGER answer:

in terms of heartstopper, of course there are aro/ace characters represented (i mean, come on, duh, even alice themself) but we all know it’s a very romance centric show/comic

i’ve never been able to define if it’s just… a sense of identity within the characters or just generally being happy for them or…. a whole mix of emotions but!

seeing characters im emotionally attached and invested in get together and be happy is like!!!! drugs!!! idk!!!! and probably the closest thing i’ll get to experiencing that with… another person which seems like a very odd thing to say!!!

but that kind of excitement is something i guess i could never feel with a relationship of my own so… living vicariously through characters like the ones in heartstopper actually really helps me with aromanticism? it’s odd! and that def doesn’t go for everyone but it’s at least what happens for me

to expand on the queer media comment too, i’ll consume queer media that even might not represent aro/ace people at all! and still feel that same fulfilment!

if you take a story about a character realising they’re gay, people will focus on them realising they feel attraction for the same sex. i mean, that’s what it is at face value.

but an equally important part of the representation for gay characters is the realisation that they are not attracted to the opposite sex. and THAT i can relate to.

when representation for aro/ace people is this sparse, you get pretty used to finding representation in people you don’t really expect to. and that’s also what heartstopper does for me, while it fulfils my desire for romance through me living vicariously, it also represents me, not just in its aro/ace characters, but in every queer journey! because there’s always a sneaky hint of aro/ace representation anywhere as long as we can do something about it! hah

[wowzah2nd]

The Lioness and her Serpent lover: A forbidden love story (Draco Malfoy x reader)

Forbidden Attraction

Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 3.5

word count:1.9k

Within Hogwarts many secretes and mysteries were held some solved and discovered. The castle may hold many secretes but within those wall were student holding their very own secrets. Y/N potter being one of them holding a secret that would shock not only her brother and friends but the whole school it self. What is that secret you may ask well. She was dating non-other the Slytherin prince Draco Malfoy

In the bustling halls of Hogwarts there was a girl named Y/N potter, yes you heard correctly harry potter had a sister, a twin sister to be exact. This was her third year and it was one she was very excited about. The 2nd term of last year was a surprise for Y/N since she had received a letter asking her to meet someone at the owlery at midnight this worried her but also excited her so she decided to go. Once there she had notice no one was there think she was early she stayed but as the night went on no one had arrived for 5 mins thinking someone had pulled a cruel joke on her she decided to leave but just as she made it to the exit someone else came into view. It was hard to see who it was until they came into the light emitted from your wand. It was Draco Malfoy confused and shocked you stayed silent until he decided to speak 

Draco: I’m sorry I was late no one was asleep yet so i had to sneak out 

Still in shock you remained silent waiting for him to carry on speaking 

Draco: you must be wondering why im here. Actually you probably know your pretty smart uhhh i sent you that letter and wanted to tell you something.

Finally snapping out of the feeling of shock you decided to speak 

Y/N: I won’t lie im very surprised that it’s you, i mean you and my brother hate each other id assumed you hated me too

He looked a bit surprised at that statement

Draco: I could never hate you i mean i dont have a reason to not even you being related to potter could make me hate you

Y/N: But you never really interacted with me, i even tried to talk to you once and you ignored me 

Draco: that on me sorry im not very good with people outside my own house but its a bit more harder with you 

That caused you to furrow your brows confused

Y/N: what do you mean its harder with you 

Draco stayed silent for a bit then taking a deep breathe 

Draco: well thats the reason i asked you here to night i want to confess something to you 

He paused again

draco :im actually in love with you Y/N potter…ever since i saw you in our first year i have been in love with you. From the kindness you showed me that day.

Y/N  Pov

You remember that day very vividly it was the day you were to begin your journey as a witch but also the day you saw the most beautiful grey eyes. 

You didnt rember much of that day only when you first saw him he looked smug and cocky but you didnt really care you were just focused on those eyes they were beautiful then you heard the boy speak to harry he introduced his friends crabe and goyle then finally himself finally finding who this boy was. Draco Malfoy 

He tried to befriend harry but failed due to insulting ron his new found friend which was a bad move on his part after harry rejected dracos offer professor mcgonagall had returned to usher the students to the great hall to be sorted. Before it was draco turn to be sorted you made your way to him no one really noticing since they were distracted with watching the students ahead of them being sorted

You tapped his shoulder to make him face you 

Draco: who are you? 

He asked confused at the thought someone would come up to him like that 

Y/N: Im Y/N potter 

You said with a big smile 

Draco: your related to that other potter

Y/N: yes i am, his actually my twin brother

Draco: In that case what do you want? Here to rub it into my face he said no to me

I lookd at him confused why would i do that seemed a bit rude and mean 

Y/N; no, why would i do that? Im actually wanted to say sorry about my brother being like that but you did insult his friend

Draco: And? Not my fault he was offended 

I giggled at that answer

Y/N still you could have done it alot better then insulting his friend 

Draco: oh yeah and how would you have gone about it then

Y/N: well id ask them nicely and not insult their friends like this

You first held out your hand for a hand shake then said

Y/N: would you like to be friends draco malfoy

You said with a big smile showing how genuine you were in your question 

Dracos Pov

I looked at her shocked. I knew for a fact she didn;t know who i was seeing as her brother didn’t know either. Most of the time people only wanted ot be my friends for family gain since my family is very influential in the wizrding world meaning most oh my friendships were transactional and non-genuine just people trying to social climb by being my friend. But she actually wanted to be my friend not cause my family was well known but just wanted to 

Draco: I-

I was going to answer but i was interrupted 

Magonagoll: Draco Malfoy

I made my way to the seat to be sort but before the hat was placed on my head it yelled slytherin

The slytherin table clapped i decided to look at Y/N direction seeing her happy for me and clapping as loud too.

After the ceremony i tried to talk to her again but her brother always stopped me from talking to her saying “ leave us alone” or “ leave her out of this” i never really could get near her so i decided to stop

End Flash Back

Y/N: so youve liked me ever since that day why didnt you talk to me then after that\

I said a bit angry

Draco: i could never get near you or alone your brother was always stopping me thinking i was gonna have a go at you too but i wasn’t then one day i just stopped cause i thought you didnt wanna be friends anymore cause maybe your brother said something

Y/N: draco i still wanted to be friends nothing he said changed anything all i sw was someone who wanted a friend not the bully they saw and to be hinest ive always had a crush on you but thought id never geta chance due to us being different 

Draco: you always had a chance more chances then any of the slytherin girl that try to talk to me all i ever saw was you Y/N only you

At that i smiled, blushing even this is so romantic. He walked towards be taking a hold of both of my hanf and bringing it towards his chest 

Draco: i love you and would you do me the honour of allowing me to date you and eventually maybe be my girlfriend

That made me smile so hard my cheeks hurt i let go of his hands and swang mine around his neck in pure joy and excitement 

Y/N: yes yes yes absolutely yes draco i love would love that.

And every since that day she’d be in and abnormally good mood. Over the last term draco and her had been going on date and eventually after enough of them he had finally asked her to be official which she of course she said yes.

And that brings us back to today walking though the bustling halls of hogwarts towards her next class potions excited to see her boyfriend even though they were allows to be public due to dracos family and y/ns brother they still dhows some form of affection even if it diddnt look that affectionate to other 

Walking into potions i already noticed students waiting for the class to start. Making her way towards her seat she noticed draco was already seating there waiting. Honestly harry wasnt happy about the seating plan and i wasn’t to bothered of course but was surprised that we were sat together and thought draco might have had something to do with. I giggled at the thought 

Taking my seat next to draco he greets me 

Draco: Hello Potter 

Y/N: Malfoy 

As i sat down making sure no one could see i held his hand giving it a little squeeze this was our way of saying it nice to see you 

As class started i pulled out a special book along with my quill and paper to take notes as well. What was this special book? Well it was a thoughtful gift that draco made that would allow me and him to talk with out having to exchange letter or passing notes.

Book Pov

Draco: how was your day love?

Y/N: it was pretty good but had a bit of an argument with harry in the common room again

Draco: what did the git do this time 

Y/N: he was mad that im nice to you and i argued im nice to everyone. He then tried to counter that statement by saying that you should be the exception. So i shut that down then and there

Draco: sorry to hear that love i wish i could do something about it 

Y/N: dont worry about it draco really it not your fault plus nothing he can say will make me stop loving you 

At that he turned towards you giving you a smile and you giving one back. Unbenounced to you harry saw the whole thing 

Class had finally finished and you stand up to head of of class but before leaving you decided to say bye to draco

Y/N: Bye malfoy

Draco: Bye 

It may have sounded mean to other but you know he didn't mean it to be as walk out the door to go to lunch you were pulled harshly by someone 

Y/N hey what the hell 

 You turn to look at who had just pulled you seeing that is was harry

Y/n what the hell is wrong with you that really hurt you idiot

Harry: what the hell was thay

I looked at him confused

Y/N: what  the hell was what im so confused 

Harry: you know what im talking about dont you lie to me 

Y/N: im not lying what are you on about harry 

Harry: why did you look at him like that 

Y/N: who the hell are you talking about

Harry: malfoy. Why were you looking at him like that 

I tensed up a little 

y/n: looking at him like what i just looked at him i cant really help having eyes you know 

Harry: dont play dumb i saw that way you looked at him, you smiled at him like you liked him 

Honestly does he have better things to do then monitoring my every move jeez this boy 

Y/N: harry i smiled at him cause he helped me he didnt even smile at me back 

I was really hoping he couldnt see draco smiling form his angle or else he’d know i feed him a dead lie

Harry: Still why would you do that you know his evil right 

Y/N: oh my god not this again harry you dont know him that well stop pulling theories out your ass 

Harry: yes i know that his family are death eater his dad tried to kill me second year 

Y/N that may be true but his not his dad his him 

At that i walked away he was ridiculous throwing accusations like that yes his father are those things but Draco would never

[quitealotofsodapop]

(resending because it looks like some of my asks got deleted)

[Im uber excited to read more your fic btw!]

I'm glad that you're excited for the fic! I'm going to split up the story arcs into their own fics and turn it into a series! book 1 will feature Wukong's journey and following isolation up to a hero is born.

[...Peach chips at least dont seem to trigger the worst of his food adversion though, the crunchy chip texture seems to cancel it out.]

at least he can still get the flavor through the chips

[...So the idea that MK potientially remembers Wukong from this time is a huge shock to him.] + [MK, clueless: "Umm... their hair was a warm orange-y color. Like the sun. And I think their eyes was this really shiny yellow, or maybe amber colour? Oh! And they had this round stomach - I remember hugging it..." *gets kinda wistful* "I don't know why I'm not with them anymore, but hope they're doing ok if they're still out there."]

upon learning that MK kinda remembers him Wukong def feels guilty about not being able to raise himself, especially with the fact that MK doesn't hold anything against his "birth mother" for giving him up.

but then MK being a monkey comes out of the bag in s4 and MK and Wukong actually get to talk about it. it's a very emotional conversation, with Wukong having come to terms while in the scroll about all of his reasons for not being able to raise MK, and MK just being the sweetest most understanding boy ever, even if he wishes he could have known sooner. they come out of that conversation stronger.

what if after MK learned he was a monkey when he and Macaque go into the scroll to get Wukong they stumble upon a memory of a tiny baby monkey that looks like his monkey form cuddling into Wukong's stomach like MK remembers doing with his "birth mom" and that's how he realizes that Wukong was the person he thought was his mom. when he faced the scroll's curse he got flashes of his life before the noodle shop, but nothing that revealed anything about his birth mom except the small flash of Nuwa, so the sudden, proper reveal still takes him by surprise. he also stumbles upon the memory of Wukong crying as he makes the decision to and give away MK.

[Wukong def was hit hard by Ao Lie's passing. It pains him to give the godparent title to anyone else...]

In a way, giving the title to anyone else probably feels like the final straw of admitting that Ao Lie really is truly gone. but admitting that finally means learning to let go, allowing Wukong to grow and heal from his grief which in turn will lead to him isolating himself less. character development ya'know, and in the end he probably feels like moving on is one of the best things to honor his late brother's memory, Ao Lie would want him to move on and find joy in what he has now.

[...PIF just looks over at Red Son, alive and healthy, and just hugs Wukong the next time she sees him.]

Wukong is def very confused when he and DBK go to tell PIF that they have a plan to stop the bone demon but it involves giving the fire back to Red Son, and before he can even say hi she has him in a bear hug. he isn't used to this, he is very confused.

[And when Yuebei is born having "imprinted" on Wukong's yearning/love for Macaque...] + [Both monkey parents are sobbing, especially when they learn that Yuebei was unconciously trying her best to look like Macaque's baby with the limited genetics available. Wukong has multiple centuries of love to dish out, and Macaque is catching up fast.]

Macaque, as happy as he is that she looks enough like him that he can pass as the baby-daddy, def feels a bit guilty upon learning that the only reason that is is because of how how much Wukong missed him after he left. he loves being a parent to Yuebei, but as much as he loves people assuming that she is his their likeness also serves as a reminder that he wasn't there.

he has a lot of time to make up for, and he plans on getting right on that.

[PIF: *seeing the baby's dark fur and glowing ears* PIF (whispering so not to wake the baby): "I fcking knew it." Macaque: *is too tired/proud to argue with her* "Yeaaah..." :')]

Macaque is honestly just happy he's allowed to be involved in baby's life.

[Red has no idea what to do in response to all this baby talk, so he just; tries to apologise to SWK for setting him on fire a bunch as a toddler??] + [Mei, PIF and Jiuweihuli get talking and soon Wukong is looking at a baby shower akin to a red carpet event.]

hey, it was a delicious cake. though Wukong is pretty sure cakes aren't supposed to be spicy.

the attention Mei and the older ladies are giving him over the pregnancy is honestly a little overwhelming at times due to how unexpected it is. especially from PIF and Macaque's adopted mom figure, he'd thought the two of them would be far more mad about mac dying then anything else. he does apologizes to Jiuweihuli about bonking her over the head that one time when he was hormonal and stressed when they get a proper chance to talk.

[You'd honestly be more afraid of that baby.]

absolutely.

if the infamous "god killer" is set to show up and then you learn that the god killer is the child of the Sun Wukong, menace to the heavens, and earned her title before she was even out if the womb, that is terrifying. imagine what she'll be like when she gets older and starts combat training.

[like turning the Medusa's head into a shield.] +[Her staff being a gift from her parents that has no inate magic ability beyond the fact that she puts her trust in it as her first "real" weapon.] + [I can imagine she uses a glamour/quick magic to put the skull/mask on (like Dr Facillier in "Friends on the Other Side") as a way of saying "You're f*cked" to her opponents.]

the medusa comparison is awesome and on point!

I love idea she puts so much trust she puts into the staff because it was her first proper weapon. I feel she also puts a lot of trust into it because it's from her parents.

I love the Dr. Facillier comparison, I was thinking of her swishing her mask on like a miraculous lady bug transformation.

[I'm excited to see how your drawings go!]

I'll be sure to share soon!

[Wukong and Macaque are def panicking, though its more an excited kind of panicking. Nezha and MK are def screaming. Guanyin is the only one with a cool head the entire time.] + [Pigsy is good at pretending he isn't worried, but he ends up tearing apart the campsight's kitchen in a hurry to make enough food for everyone.]

everyone is panicking, just to different lengths. Wukong for his own sake is trying to keep his excitement to a manageable level, Macaque is notably not, portaling warm blankets and pillows and water and towels to the campsite or wherever the end up settling for Wukong's labor to play out (i like to think Guanyin takes everyone to the south sea). Mei and MK are shaking each other and screaming while Red Son tries to calm them down, Ne Zha is running around doing everything Guanyin asks of him to keep himself distanced from hyperventilating. Tang is torn between trying not to be sick and writing about what's going on, Pigsy is already tearing apart the kitchen, and Sandy is politely calling the Demon Bull parents to let them know where they are, that they're all safe, and that the baby is on the way! while keeping LBD's host preoccupied.

[Especially when DBK and PIF realise what's happening, and are posted incase Wukong's baby causes as much trouble for him as Red did to them.]

the bull family are on their way the second they hear about what's going on. they aren't missing the birth for anything, and they wanna be there for their family. also they need to check in on Red Son

[Guanyin has a secret stash in the Southern Ocean of all the letters and tapes (and even some drawings of what she might have looked like) Wukong ever made for Yuebei, in case he wasn't able to give them to her in person. Yuebei ends up finding them when she's a moody teenager, mad at her baba for something stupid.]

Guanyin is there to go through all them with her, Yuebei is amazed at much her baba loved her well before she was ever born, even if it becomes a little bittersweet after she learns that he could have died for her to be born and was willing to go through with the pregnancy anyway, for the sake of the baby he loved so much he may have never been able to meet. when she goes home she gives her baba a big hug. Yuebei: *walks into to the house* BABA Wukong: *not expecting her back so soon* oh! Yuebei, are you okay, I'm sorry about the fight earlier I was- Yuebei: *tackles him into a hug, muffled talking with her face buried in her Baba's chest* m'sorry, I love you. Wukong: *a little surprised but happy* love you too little one ps: what do you think Wukong would use as an affectionate nickname for Yuebei in this au? also, at what point do you think her name was decided on.

[Pre-series; In absense of any other godparent... I bet Wukong would have trusted Yuebei with Guanyin if possible. The goddess would have gladly taken the infant had Wukong not survived the birth, though it would pain her for many centuries to come.]

they absolutely would, even if looking at Yuebei would always be bittersweet long after it stopped actually hurting whenever she saw Wukong in her. I feel like in the event she was left in Guanyn's care, Guanyin wouldn't hide her parentage, and the first time Yuebei asks about details at like 10yo or something and they spend the next few hours going through the things Wukong left for her (except for anything specifically for certain dates/milestones).

[Once the relationship between Wukong and Mac improves, so does the baby's reaction to Mac's voice (symbolism). She finally starts to associate the "bad" voice with her bama, and soon it's not a "bad voice" anymore. Though there probably is a weird bridge-point where Mac has to put on silly accents/voices when he baby-talks to Yuebei or else she'll get mad at him.]

Macaque def cries at every big relationship milestone between him and Yuebei (and him and Wukong, seeing how much Wukong has changed for the better makes him very hopeful they could have the life they promised each other, but seeing how much Wukong has also been hurting he is very grateful he has the oppurtunity to make things better. ultimately, he is very grateful he made the decision to stay and not squander the chance). but there's def a period of time in there where anytime Macaque and Wukong get in a fight (because healing and reconciliation isn't linear) it sets his relationship with Yuebei back a couple squares.

I always thought that Macaque having six sensitive ears and being a theater performer would make him a killer at vocals, and he can change his voice pretty much at will to something completely random, someone else's voice if he hears them, or mimic the sounds of animals and/or other non-living objects that produce sounds. so he would absolutely nail and accents and voices he needs to do to keep Yuebei appeased. he probably at some point mimics Wukong's voice in order to calm her down, because out of all her "good sounds" her baba's is the most "safe".

[Yellowtusk immediately notices and warns Azure to let the cub down so she can at least crawl and inspect her new surroundings. Peng laughs at the thought of letting "the hatchling" decide the terms of her imprisonment.] + [Then Peng feels a tiny, but powerful, hand grab their wing feathers...] + [Yellowtusk leaves before the carnage reaches him.]

the brotherhood assumes Yuebei is also Macaque's kid like everyone else, and because of this Peng def is not above teasing the already fussy infant monkey. Yellowtusk is looking at his brothers either ignore or "torment" the infant of at least one if not two of their other sworn brothers. he realizes in that moment that the other two aren't who he thought they were, or at the very least they aren't anymore, but most importantly they aren't the type of people he wants to be involved with. the change of heart leads him to not feeling to bad when leaving his brothers to their fate when Yuebei has enough for the sake of his own safety.

(dont worry you asks didnt get deleted, Im just very lazy/bust with college)

referencing this previous Slow boiled au post.

[I'm glad that you're excited for the fic! I'm going to split up the story arcs into their own fics and turn it into a series! book 1 will feature Wukong's journey and following isolation up to a hero is born.]

I wait with bated subscribe button.

[upon learning that MK kinda remembers him Wukong def feels guilty about not being able to raise himself, especially with the fact that MK doesn't hold anything against his "birth mother" for giving him up. but then MK being a monkey comes out of the bag in s4 and MK and Wukong actually get to talk about it. it's a very emotional conversation, with Wukong having come to terms while in the scroll about all of his reasons for not being able to raise MK, and MK just being the sweetest most understanding boy ever, even if he wishes he could have known sooner. they come out of that conversation stronger. what if after MK learned he was a monkey when he and Macaque go into the scroll to get Wukong they stumble upon a memory of a tiny baby monkey that looks like his monkey form cuddling into Wukong's stomach like MK remembers doing with his "birth mom" and that's how he realizes that Wukong was the person he thought was his mom. when he faced the scroll's curse he got flashes of his life before the noodle shop, but nothing that revealed anything about his birth mom except the small flash of Nuwa, so the sudden, proper reveal still takes him by surprise. he also stumbles upon the memory of Wukong crying as he makes the decision to and give away MK.]

THIS WHOLE IDEA!!!

Wukong doesn't want to tell MK the truth cus he think's he'll hate him for having to give him up.

When MK and Mac see the memory of a baby monkey demon hugging (a much more sad-looking) Wukong's stomach, the memories all come flooding back to MK about who he thought was his "birth mother" . Even though he knows the Monkey King isn't really his birth parent (glaring at Nuwa), he knew that the choice to raise MK fell on his heavy shoulders. Even if MK is a *little* upset when he finds out via S4 Memory Scroll-ing with Macaque that he's a monkey demon, MK understands that the Monkey King was simply unable to care for him while he lacked a support system. Wukong wanted MK to have a "normal" childhood that he was denied, and that simply wasn't possible on FFM at the time.

Ultimately MK is glad that Wukong had the good judgement to leave MK with Pigsy all those years ago, no matter how much it hurt.

They find the memory of Wukong standing outside in the city streets, affixing a strong glamour spell to the baby's head, and sobbing as he forces himself to stop holding them long enough to disappear and make a noise that alerts the pig chef inside the shop. It's very Meet the Robinson's esque.

The first thing MK does when he reunites with Wukong, is hug him tight and say "I never blamed you." Wukong is confused until the realisation that MK was in his memories kicks in, and he starts sobbing too.

[In a way, giving the title to anyone else probably feels like the final straw of admitting that Ao Lie really is truly gone. but admitting that finally means learning to let go, allowing Wukong to grow and heal from his grief which in turn will lead to him isolating himself less. character development ya'know,]

Yeah, even if the decision to give DBK the title of "Godfather" was pretty rash in the moment, Wukong eventually hits a point where him and DBK end up having a talk about the monkey's "late younger brother" when Wukong hesistate to make it official.

DBK is understanding of why Wukong finds it hard to move on from Ao Lie's passing. He wouldn't know what he would have done if he'd lost his Xiandi all those centuries ago. DBK is patient enough to let his little bro come to terms with this emotional hurdle. He just wished he had more time to know this odd, horse-like dragon that Wukong adored as a brother.

The convo probably happens at the same time they decide to give Red Son back the Samadhi Fire + PIF giving Wukong's an unexpected hug.

[Macaque, as happy as he is that she looks enough like him that he can pass as the baby-daddy, def feels a bit guilty upon learning that the only reason that is is because of how how much Wukong missed him after he left. he loves being a parent to Yuebei, but as much as he loves people assuming that she is his their likeness also serves as a reminder that he wasn't there. he has a lot of time to make up for, and he plans on getting right on that.]

OH you better believe post S3 Macaque is running up that Dad hill full sprint to be there for Yuebei. Even if him and Wukong take a while to confront their issues, and have a fight or two, Mac ultimately wants to BE THERE for the King who missed him so much, and the cub that changed it's appearance to reflect that.

S4 is Macaque busting on through, resolving any petty fights him and Wukong had in the past, saving his mate and cub, and developing a fatherly attitude towards MK. This is THEIR happy ending, and Mac's not gonna let Azure take that away from them.

Fun fact; since Stone Eggs are able to "steal" the Dao of others, it ws common in Stone Monkey days for widowed monkeys to start the egg-making process while buried next to their mate in hopes that both of their traits lived on in the baby. It's influenced a lot by yearning/want of the parent for their mate (the supernatural "other parent").

[the attention Mei and the older ladies are giving him over the pregnancy is honestly a little overwhelming at times due to how unexpected it is. especially from PIF and Macaque's adopted mom figure, he'd thought the two of them would be far more mad about mac dying then anything else.]

Wukong is def confused but amused by how much PIF and Jiuweihuli are adoring of him, but are shooting Mac the stinkeye. PIF has already declared herself the baby's Godmother in partnership with her husband's title, and Jiuweihuli is treating the situation as if she's expecting a grandchild. Even when Wukong explains that Mac only "started the process", that doesn't deter the demonesses.

Wukong is ofc overwhelmed by the positive attention, and scurries away for a break once the womens' backs are turned. Red Son offering him a confused, but tasty spiced cake is like a breath of fresh air.

[if the infamous "god killer" is set to show up and then you learn that the god killer is the child of the Sun Wukong, menace to the heavens, and earned her title before she was even out if the womb is terrifying. imagine what she'll be like when she gets older and starts combat training.]

Yuebei, aka "The God Killer" toddles into a fancy heavenly party and all the Celestials scatter like they saw a tiger enter the room. The infant monkey just jumps on the banquet table and starts chowing down on the hors d'oeuvres like her baba before her.

[I love idea she puts so much trust she puts into the staff because it was her first proper weapon. I feel she also puts a lot of trust into it because it's from her parents. I love the Dr. Facillier comparison, I was thinking of her swishing her mask on like a miraculous lady bug transformation.]

Yuebei and her big bro MK share the trait of "I believe, so it is", and that includes her super-cool FIRST STAFF that was probably made from a completely normal stalk of bamboo by Wukong and Mac as a birthday gift.

Ooo I like that Ladybug idea for her skull-mask. Magical girl transformation except she's dressed to reap souls. >:3

Oh gosh now Im thinking of little Yuebei being obsessed with Sailor Moon. XD

[everyone is panicking, just to different lengths.] + [while keeping LBD's host preoccupied.]

The campsite is just a warzone of panicking found family members as they scramble to get things ready for the baby's arrival. I love the idea of Sandy having enough sense to call DBK and PIF on the phone to give them a heads-up.

And poor Bai He. Just got over being possessed for x-amount of months by an ancient world-ending demon, and now she's just swept up in the chaos that a baby is coming!? She probably "heard" things while being piloted by LDB, so she knows "someone" is having a baby, she just doesn't understand the context. Especially considering that the monkey demon couple (one's the Monkey King?!) have been tending to her like parents the whole trip home. and- "Is that lady Guanyin?"

Bai He def has a "she's so cute!"-moment when she sees Yuebei for the first time. She's cuter than a kitten! :3

[the bull family are on their way the second they hear about what's going on. they will do what they have to for their family.]

The second that the Bull Couple learn that Wukong is ok after LBD's defeat, they're flying over to see if their Xiandi is ok. DBK has to be reprimanded for almost getting into a fight with Nezha over their protective instincts towards Wukong in this state.

[Guanyin is there to go through all them with her, Yuebei is amazed at much her baba loved her well before she was ever born, even if it becomes a little bittersweet after she learns that he could have died for her to be born and was willing to go through with the pregnancy anyway, for the sake of the baby he loved so much he may have never been able to meet. when she goes home she gives her baba a big hug. Yuebei: *walks into to the house* BABA Wukong: *not expecting her back so soon* oh! Yuebei, are you okay, I'm sorry about the fight earlier I was- Yuebei: *tackles him into a hug, muffled talking with her face buried in her Baba's chest* m'sorry, I love you. Wukong: *a little surprised but happy* love you too little one]

OOOOUHHH!! Yuebei having the realisation in her teens about how much Wukong sacrificed/could have lost to ensure she was born safetly!! Yuebei def stares at the tapes Guanyn provides in silence, tears rolling down her face as she sees and hears her Baba in different eras, telling his baby that they may never meet but that he loves them no matter what!!

Yuebei would feel so guilty for running off after a petty fight with her Baba! Especially if one of the things she yelled at Wukong was along the lines of; "You never do anything for me!"

Wukong is just relieved that his daughter came home safe and sound. Guanyin def did the divine version of a text message telling Wukong that Yuebei came to her island, but Wukong was still worried.

[ps: what do you think Wukong would use as an affectionate nickname for Yuebei in this au? also, at what point do you think her name was decided on.]

Wukong's nickname for Yuebei is "Egg" much like MK in the TMKATI au. Hard to get rid of the moniker when Wukojng had been using it for almost a thousand years. One of the rarer nicknames he had for her was "little moonlight" whenever he was particularly wistful.

Macaque calls the baby cuter things like "starlight" or "sunspot" cus she's "a little Sun" (pun).

The name "Yuebei" aka "Lunar Apogee" was only decided in the later months leading up to her birth. Wukong had wanted to wait until the Egg was born to decide. And ofc with his "moonlight" finally back at his side, Wukong's brain went towards moon-themed names...

[they absolutely would, even if looking at Yuebei would always be bittersweet long after it stopped actually hurting whenever she saw Wukong in her.]

Guanyin would 100% refer to herself as being Yuebei's "grandmother" in the scenario that Wukong had not survived/woken up. Little Yuebei would have grown up on Fragrant Mountain in the Southern Oceans as beloved as any creature under Guanyin's protection. Safe from teh eyes of Heaven. Wukong knows he would have made a good choice.

[Macaque def cries at every big relationship milestone between him and Yuebei (and him and Wukong, seeing how much Wukong has changed for the better makes him very hopeful they could have the life they promised each other, but seeing how much Wukong has also been hurting he is very grateful he has the oppurtunity to make things better. ultimately, he is very grateful he made the decision to stay and not squander the chance). but there's def a period of time in there where anytime Macaque and Wukong get in a fight (because healing and reconciliation isn't linear) it sets his relationship with Yuebei back a couple squares.]

Macaque and Wukong I think would have had a fight just prior to S4, likely over how MK is being trained as Wukong's successor - Wukong want's to be careful and soft on the kid, while Macaque was more the mindset of preparing MK for the worst-case scenarios. It caused the two to be on not-speaking terms, even though they were still both technically co-parenting the baby. Wukong had walked out on the most recent fight, and taken Yuebei to the old stone palace to decompress when MK found the memory scroll.

The subsetquent hours is Macaque fellign like sh*t for making Wukong hate him again + Yuebei crying when Mac raised his voice. He's convinced that he F-d Up Big, and that Wukong would never trust him again- oh hey a text from Mei.

Mei, texting: "Scroll thingy ate Monkey King!! *shocked emoji*" Mac, on an ancient nokia: "WHAT!? Where's the baby!?" Mei: "Being babysat rn. Don't worry, we're on the case!" *thumbs up* + "100 emoji" Mac: "oh thank buddha."

Macaque still goes to Water Curtain Cave to see whats up... only to find no Monkey Kids, and the smell of a familar lion...

[I always thought that Macaque having six sensitive ears and being a theater performer would make him a killer at vocals, and he can change his voice pretty much at will to something completely random, someone else's voice if he hears them, or mimic the sounds of animals and/or other non-living objects that produce sounds. so he would absolutely nail and accents and voices he needs to do to keep Yuebei appeased. he probably at some point mimics Wukong's voice in order to calm her down, because out of all her "good sounds" her baba's is the most "safe".]

Macaque canonically can nail voices and animal sounds! He pretended to be Mo meowing when he split the vans up.

I can just imagine him setting a fussy Yuebei down for sleep and trying to read her a story like;

Macaque, normal voice: "Bustopher Jone-"

Yuebei: *gives him a stank face* >:(

Macaque: "Oh ok, little miss high-standards."

Macaque: *clears throat*

Macaque, now in a goofy falsetto ala Ed Wynn: "Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones— In fact, he's remarkably fat. He doesn't haunt pubs—he has eight or nine clubs, For he's the St. James's Street Cat!"

Yuebei: *delighted giggling!* :D

Wukong: *secretly watching from the doorway, falling in love with his Warrior all over again*

[the brotherhood assumes Yuebei is also Macaque's kid like everyone else, and because of this Peng def is not above teasing the already fussy infant monkey. Yellowtusk is looking at his brothers either ignore or "torment" the infant of at least one if not two of their other sworn brothers. he realizes in that moment that the other two aren't who he thought they were, or at the very least they aren't anymore, but most importantly they aren't the type of people he wants to be involved with. the change of heart leads him to not feeling to bad when leaving his brothers to their fate when Yuebei has enough for the sake of his own safety.]

Yellowtusk is the only one of the Brotherhood trio who recognises that people have changed in the last few hundred years.

The Pilgrims are dead and gone, and their decendants are far different from their originals. Brother Bull is a family man who would do anything for his wife and son.

Brother Wukong is, from what Yellowtusk overheard, has become far wiser and more cautious. And not to say the acts of heroism he's heard attributed to Brother Macaque! (Defying and saving the world from the icy bone demon that resurrected him is no mere feat - it was the talk of the celestial and demon worlds for weeks). Not to mention the tiny dark-furred infant monkey that Azure holds, squirming in his grip...

And he also recognises that his own two companions have changed... but not for the better.

The selfless leadership once held by Azure Lion has become warped into a form of tyrany, one where their new Emperor holds their sworn brothers' infant hostage and openly fantasizes about taking Brother Wukong as his consort.

The curt bluntness he had appriciated in Peng's words have become needlessly harsh and tormenting. Even towards something as small and blameless as the infant they hold hostage.

Yellowtusk recognises that perhaps even he has changed. Being made to relive your mistakes throught the Scroll can do that. He realises that he should have said more to defend his shyer brothers, and wishes that he had the foresight to know that the Jade Emperor would have succeeded in their haphazard coup.

Yellowtusk is Wise because he recognises that the best option is to jump this sinking ship now while there's still time.

He goes to take the hostage infant away from Azure's grasp when the little girl suddenly grabs hard on one of Peng's flight feathers, the gold plating crumbling away in her grip...

Yellowtusk backs out of the throne room as the child of Sun Wukong destroys the two grown warriors like they were toys to be broken. He's thankfull that his calmer treatment of the infant only leaves him with a sore trunk from the little monkey tugging on it to guesture that she was hungry.

Sorry it took so long to answer! I've been very lazy over xmas :3

[the-90s-music-colosseum]

*cracks knuckles* ok here we go abt the damon albarn/graham coxon thing.

damon has never seriously come out as queer or anything to my knowledge. the "intellectual bi" thing was jsut to piss off brett andersen forget about it. justine did say damon went through a period of snogging lads idk what was up with that.

were they ever a thing? no. not officially, explicitly, quoted in public atleast.

but was/is their relationship far more closer than one would assume conventional male friendships to be? also yes. they met when they were pre-teens, their journey as musicians started each other, the core of blur as a band has always been their friendship. they both had matching friendship necklaces for god sakes. they've both, and particularly damon, have always spoken of their relationship in really reverent, intimate terms: you can find interviews from the 90s full of quotes about how much they love each other, how protective damon is of graham, how deep and fluid their connection is blah blah blah. and yes the kissing. they did that, though at the time damon was like yeah we kiss we homies so what. they kissed at their wembley gig in july as well. y'know just guy thingz.

but their relationship has been complex. im sure u can find the details if u dig around a little. by the late 90s their friendship was kinda falling apart. substance abuse issues, issues in their own relationships, differences in ideas about where blur should go next etc etc. but even at the worst point of this, their intimacy in songwriting prevailed. 13, damon's great grand breakup album, is as much about graham as much as it is about justine

damon has written atleast two songs about/for graham "sweet song" from think thank- which was written when graham left the band. and "my terracotta heart" from magic whip- when they got back together. he's on record saying these are about graham. incredibly heartbreaking both of them. graham said he felt like pattie harrison having songs written about him. im sure there are other songs scattered throughout blur, solo damon and solo graham discography that could be read as being about each other.

also ive never EVER heard a man speak about his friendship breakup with such openness and vulnerability as damon did during the early 2000s. they eventually made up after not talking for years, and that making up story is rather dramatic and sweet as well. they wouldn't shut up abt how happy they were to be back in each others lives and how much they still loved each other. etc etc etc. all very sappy and sweet.

their relationship took ages to mend and i suppose its a lot different now compared to the intensity it had back in the day. damon though is back in form mentioning the story of how they met each other and how well graham understands and communicates with him through writing songs together and all that in every interview possible. damon has recently split from his partner of 25 years and the latest blur record is mostly about that. its really poignant to me that out of all his projects, he chose to go back to his oldest friend and oldest creative partner to bring these songs to life.

tl;dr: they werent boyfriends they werent friends they were a secret third thing.

Britpop lore 2. They were a secret third thing.

[fxllingout]

cait! cait! do you read op fanfics? cause i need some recommendations i don’t really have any preferences romantic, platonic, ship, non-ship, all fine by me i guess the only thing would be no heavy angst i can’t handle that - op anon

i do read op fics! ive read a bit of everything so im gonna rec a bit of everything that i really love to reread

Older Brother's Duties (and also i recommend reading the second fic in the series as well but the first is my favourite of the two). au where luffy is the older sibling and ace just joined the whitebeard pirates and luffy comes to check up on him. i find it very cute (gen fic)

Who We Were Meant to Be, au where luffy joined the marines for reasons and now ace is about to be executed and im not gonna say more because even though me telling you the plot wouldn't really spoil anything cause it's obvious i think you should just experience it all for the first time with no huge primer on it (gen fic)

Watashitachi wa Roger kaizoku desu (we still stand proud), au where the remaining roger pirates come to save their captain's son from execution, also heavy on the shanks and buggy friendship and their not so good past with their former crew members (like in terms of the au not canon stuff) (gen fic)

Shanties for the Weary Voyager okay so this is a series not a singular fic but i have to rec the whole series cause god damn. shanks/makino fics, the first few in the series all follow the main story and then after that are au's of the og fanfic or are one shots connected to the og fanfic. overall summary is it's just shanks and makino falling in love when he first is in foosha and then her waiting for him to come back after he has to leave and then them living happily ever after. first fic in the series is all fade to black but a lot of the ones after are explicit, like straight smut just to warn you so yeah big nsfw warning on this one

You, Drowning Between My Arms usosan fic, interesting concept where sanji keeps reliving the day after he turned down usopp's confession and is trying to fix it EXCEPT it's told from usopp's pov which i really enjoyed it. its like. kinda angsty obviously cause usopp got turned down and sanji is suffering cause he's trying to fix it but it's not heavy heart breaking angst

the demon perched upon the sun zosan pokemon au, another interesting concept, as the fic is told through an oc character. their goal is to beat the pokemon world champion but the world champion, zoro, has disappeared from society so they have to become the world champion and then find zoro where ever the fuck he is to reach their ultimate goal. sanji tags along on oc's quest. you meet the other strawhats every so often. so really its just zosan from outsider pov but done really really well imo. again, kinda angsty, but not heavy i promise

the thing that remains lawlu fic, its just law falling in love with luffy over the course of them meeting until wano. really, thats it. well written. nsfw stuff, though i believe its only right near the end and its not plot relevant so you can skip if you want (iirc i havent reread it in a bit). the rest of the series it's in i also enjoy, though the sanji/katakuri ones are just straight smut so. yeah lmao

Wine and Dine and... Guns? zolusan (is that their correct ship name????) mafia/gang au, the strawhats (excluding sanji) are a gang, and due to certain actions sanji has to join them. nothing much else to say

A Split Thread zolu fic, luffy and zoro get sent back in time after their journey and have a chance to make everything right. zoro goes off on his own to kill blackbeard while luffy gathers the crew. i also quite enjoy the sequel that is zoro's pov

and yeah thats all of them i hope you enjoy !!!!!!!

[liverpool-enjoyer]

footballers as taylor swift songs

requested by my swiftie in Christ @yudgefudge!! thank you luv <3

leo: you're on your own, kid. ive been associating him w this song way before i knew that everyone else was doing the same lmao. it rlly does encompass his entire journey, from humble beginnings n jus being a little kid playing for fun (from sprinkler splashes/to fireplace ashes), to being the best in the world n all the struggles that come with it (i search the party.../just to learn that my dreams arent rare). the man gave his blood sweat n tears like hed be saved by a the "perfect kiss" which here is a metaphor for the wc obviously. n ohmygosh "everything you lose is a step you take"!!!! BRUH???!?!?! every line, from "i didnt chose this town (ie paris)/i dream of getting out/theres just one who could make me stay", to "the jokes werent funny, i took the money/my friends from home dont know what to say" are all SO leo coded.

ney: anti-hero. i ADORE him n theres a lot of people that like him. but theres also a lot of people who like not liking him. hes one of the best in the world, and as great as that is, he has, unjustifiably so, garnered a significant amount of haters (its me, hi, im the problem, its me/at tea time, everybody agrees). hes rlly endured a ton of it throughout the years, but keeps going (pierced through the heart/but never killed). after facing so much backlash, youd probly worry about the people that still support you and how much longer you can hold on to that (one day i'll watch as youre leaving/and life will lose all its meaning). also, hes a rich person. which makes the bridge pretty relatable for him but like in a funny way.

gavi: nothing new. this one is more based off my inner musings than actual like evidence. i have no idea whats going on this lil dudes head. but i know that IF i were in his position, i'd relate to this song a FUCK TON. its basically a song abt being in the spotlight, n being the shiny young thing that has peoples attention. but what happens when thats not true anymore? (Lord, what will become of me/once ive lost my novelty?) what happens in a few years when an even younger prodigy comes around n impresses everyone? (are we only biding time 'til i lose your attention?/and someone else lights up the room?/people love an ingénue). im not gonna write down the whole birdge but its basically abt the inevitably of meeting your replacement. the song basically asks: "will you still want me/when im nothing new?" he seems like a happy dude who probly doesnt think abt this stuff, but if i were a famous promising young soccer player, this stuff would definitely weigh on my mind.

muller: the story of us. Lord forgive my mullendowski heart. i tried to think of a song that would fit jus him n leave shipping out of it but,,, yeah it wasnt happening. in my mind theyre a package deal. anywho the song's about being around someone youre still in love with after youve broken up (now im standing alone in a crowded room/and we're not speaking and im dying to know/is it killing you like its killing me). ik theyre on good terms n all but in my mindbrain i imagine him them being in the same place for the first time since lewy left him bayern and poor thomas jus "nervously pulling at my clothes/and trying to look busy." and my gosh "but you held your pride like you shouldve held me"??? the AUDACITY. i can go off about this whole song tbh. oh n also even tho speak nows a country album this song is kinda,,, rock/punk-ish kinda??? which is to say, its very loud. much like a certain someone. fun fact i almost put seven for him bc of "before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/anytime i wanted" but i figured one line wasnt enough for me to put the whole song.

mbappe: evermore. this is a brooding song. a depression song. so i can definitely see this as a post 2022 world cup final song for him. it actually relates to a sports loss very well. (i used to listen to this song n think a oikawa from haikyuu,,, heh). if theres one thing abt mbappe its that hes dedicated. i can see him "replay(ing) my footsteps on each stepping stone/trying to find the one where i went wrong," yknow, jus thinking abt the final over n over. very "i rewind the tape but all it does is pause/on the very moment all was lost." but at the end of it all, hes young, hes talented, n has more world cups ahead of him. ie: "i had a feeling so peculiar/this pain wouldnt be for/evermore."

klopp: dear reader. this whole song is just advice. its taylor dishing out advice to her fans, most of whom are younger than her. kloppo loves his players, he wants to give them good advice that applies not only on the pitch, but off it as well. (dear reader/bend when you can, snap when you have to/dear reader/you dont have to answer, just cause they asked you) however its no secret that our lovely manager can be pretty hard on himself. so its possible that while he gives advice to those he loves, he feels like hes not worthy of giving it (you wouldnt take my word for it/if you knew who was talking).

again, everything stated is speculation, fueled entirely by my delusional lil mindbrain. as i dont know these ppl.

[voiceofsword]

NIKI'S NEW FS IS SO CUTEE!!?!?! not at all what i was expecting it to be, he looks like he's about to go on a little adventure i love it 🥰 what are your thoughts? Any insights 👀👀

YESS oh my god ok. i wrote a little analysis after the fact even tho we cant really see a lot of his outfit properly? so a lot of this might just be straight up Wrong when the card actually drops — i apologize in advance if it just sounds like im waxing poetic!!!!!

putting it here for ease of viewing!!

ok, here’s some of my thoughts on niki fs2 and how up until now, it’s been theorized that fs2 is how the characters perceive themselves, rather than how the audience perceives them.

niki himself seems like he would choose the safe option. he’s someone that wants nothing more than a peaceful life but his development has shown that he’s becoming more welcoming to the idea of getting outside of that comfort zone, of allowing himself more luxuries, of allowing himself to want rather than just what he needs. i think the obvious direct comparison that can be drawn is where he’s standing — in fs1, he’s standing indoors, in a kitchen, which also suits him, obviously, that’s his home. but in fs2 he’s outside, presumably in a greenhouse of sorts?

there’s not really any way of knowing until the full card illust comes out, but i think the point to be made here lies in the freedom this implies: kitchen is comfortable, niki’s safe space, one where he knows he’s good, and doesn’t pose a burden to other people. being outside, in a greenhouse, suggests two things: one being that if he’s breaking out of the one space where he feels most at peace, it’s on his own terms. that he’s more adventurous, that he’s okay with feeling vulnerable, that he’s no longer scared but excited to face the world. 

two is a bit more complicated and takes a bit of looking at his outfit and the props around him.

there’s a bottle of cumin on the right side, and presumably allspice falling in front of him — both native from outside of japan (west asia/middle east and central america/caribbean respectively).

niki’s backstory reveals that his parents left him following a series of scandals (ive talked about this extensively and if you follow me atp im assuming you know), and to this day it’s assumed that they’re still traveling around the world discovering new ingredients. and we also know for a fact that niki himself has taken up that mantle as part of his idol career, traveling around for cooking variety shows — im not going to say this is some grand overarching gesture resembling niki forgiving his parents because i dont think there’s ever been any point where niki has held outstanding contempt for their choices. however i do think it symbolizes something for the idol world and how niki once again manages to be a sort of ‘glue’ that holds these two worlds together, similarly to his role in crazyb: while there was a period where the idol industry and culinary industry crashed in entertainment, niki is responsible for patching those relations up, not through any over-calculating strategy, but rather, through being himself, through his passion for cooking, and newfound love for being an idol — it was never about any grudges with him, only growth!!

he doesnt want to become his parents, but not out of hatred, because he’s someone different! he wants to explore the world and spread his love for food, not out of fear of staying somewhere that might hurt him, but because he has the strength to! because he has people to support him on his journey, not a lack thereof! 

and then moving on to the bulk of his outfit, most of it being revealing with very baggy bits hanging off, i’ve seen some people mention it looks kind of..messy? which isnt entirely incorrect but i think it’s nice, bc it almost feels like the baggier clothes are hanging off of him, being “peeled off” and revealing more of himself. inhibitions are being set aside, he no longer wishes to make himself smaller, no longer wishes to hide who he is in fear of inconveniencing others, and i think the more haphazard state of his outfit represents that awkward stage fairly well — transitioning from that insecure kid left behind by his parents to someone who is full of love for what he does and wants to share it with his newfound friends, family, and fans. also the little bottom part of the waistwrap has yummy written on it. please note his eager, happy expression and raised hand like he’s ready to take on the world !! i already mentioned in another post how i think it looks like an rpg outfit and i really mean it ^_^

AND COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ANY SYMBOLISM..HIS HAIR'S LONGER? or it looks longer.. maybe he'll get his ponytail pushed back rather than on his shoulder? how could you get more gorgeous.. oh my god. please. save me

 niki shiina i love you

[mako-neexu]

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii im that anon (just call me raynon) that sent the arknighhts/fgo thing and funny how you like Honkai Star Rail bc i do as well :]

anyways stelle "fated to have some kind of glorious fate" meeting ritsuka "was never meant to have this fate". Can you tell i love main characters who are doomed by their narrative.

Hello raynon!!!!! I liked writing the fgo x arknights mini fic xD but i really wished i could have written dr. roman and Doctor conversation!! but im not too confident yet ahaha

But i loved your idea again and decided to give HSR x FGO a go xD so i tried a conversation between Stelle and Gudako!

I'm so sorry for taking so long asdfhjkl i wasnt too sure about stelle's personality since it swings from goofy raccoon, to greedy trailblazer, and to cool girlboss XD

- No matter where she went with Dan Heng and March, for her, the sky, the stars, and her friends had always been a constant relief in her life.

Stelle didn’t really remember much from back then… but Kafka was the only one she truly remembered. A figure close to a mother, now a criminal she and the Express are doing their best to capture.

“So you love the stars too, huh?”

From beside her, Ritsuka leans back, hold folded behind her head. Stelle turns her gaze back at the sky, smiling softly, “I do, but it could get boring and sad real fast though.”

“Mmm, you’re right about that.”

When she looked at Ritsuka, there was something in her eyes that told her of a journey unlike her own Trailblazing one. 

If hers was a journey with the stars, finding out what her purpose and true Path was, then Ritsuka’s own was a descent from the sky, struggling to hold on to that star she had attained long ago.

“Come to think of it,” Ritsuka hums, then turns to her with a mischievous grin, “In terms of when our journey started, I’m your Senpai in ‘this’.”

Stelle groaned, blushing as she was reminded once more of those days when she was just a child, seeing Ritsuka’s face in the television broadcasting other worlds’ conundrums. She did admire her like a fan would to an idol or celebrity, but up close, she realizes how human Ritsuka is. Or perhaps, was.

“So you want me to call you that then?”

The Master bit the inside of her cheek and smiled, “Not really. Just call me Ritsuka.”

Sensing that the title felt kind of personal, she stuck to the request. “Ritsuka, then.”

Silence reigns the atmosphere, though it was comfortable as their surroundings were nothing but the countless stars before them, to Stelle, she felt a little nervous. Especially when she caught Ritsuka’s glance, nothing more than patience in her eyes to encourage the Trailblazer.

“Do you regret it?” She stopped at that.

“Hm?”

“I think… if I were in your position I would’ve gone crazy.”

Ritsuka blinks, once, twice, before her words registered, “Ohh, so it's that then. Well, I don’t regret it one bit.”

“You’ve died more than a hundred times though. What seemed to be the end also becomes another ‘beginning’ in your journey.”

“Pfft, I’m still alive and kicking, dude. Weren’t you the one who got stabbed in the heart earlier? That just means I get to see my friends for a little while longer.”

Urk, she’s right… But- “While my… journey seems to be onward to something ‘beautiful’, yours is-”

“-is what?” Ritsuka snapped, taking Stelle aback, “Something doomed? Something awful? Of course I’m doomed from the start. I knew that. But is it awful? It’s not pretty, but there are far too many beautiful things in my life too.”

Ritsuka looked away, pulling her knees under her chin and crossing her arms around her legs, she whispered, “A… friend said that as well. That I’m going down the path of destruction, a path which I was never meant to be put in yet thrusted into.”

And here Stelle was, down the opposite one, a “fated” path that seems so glorious that the light of it might blind her.

“...I’m sorry.”

Ritsuka sadly smiled, something Stelle never would never be able to if she had been in her position, “It’s okay. I’m sorry for snapping back at you as well. You were just concerned.”

“Still…”

The Master reached out, covering her gloved hand with her own, “Just… Even though I have to wade through the blood, I know I’ll be able to find happiness along the way.” Turning to Stelle, she suddenly pulled on her cheek and puffed her own, “As for you! Just because you think it's beautiful doesn’t mean you won’t be encountering challenges near impossible to overcome.”

Stelle pouted from the slight pain of having her cheeks pulled but nevertheless replied, “Thank you… but I really am worried about you.” After all, she’s seen how she has come so far after being in literal years to continue her journey.

Now that the Master had finished not only finished “part one” but “part two” as well, there would surely be more to come… as fate doesn’t want to let her rest just yet.

Ritsuka stilled, and smiled, a happier one compared to the others from earlier, “I’ll be okay. Plus, I’m used to it.”

Despite the darkness of space with its stars, their surroundings seem to be getting lighter… Just as she saw Ritsuka notice it as well, Stelle hummed, “We’re waking up I guess? Or going back to our worlds.”

…Either way, this would be another goodbye. One that she herself wasn’t sure if it would be the last despite the first with the very person she admired from afar.

“Oh, already? That was fast.”

Stelle grimaced, “It was. Do you think I’ll be able to see you again?”

“Here I thought you'd be excited to see the trash cans again.” Ritsuka’s laugh had her blushing and sputtering on the spot. Gah! What the heck? Of course, she’d also know that! 

“Urgh, Ritsuka!”

“I know, I know! I’m sorry!” As her laughter died down, the smile that never quite reached her eyes was back in place, “Still, it was nice meeting you.”

She blushed, averting her eyes from the red-haired’s own, “Same here. But before we go back, just in case we meet again, let’s tell more about our stories to each other.”

That way neither of them wouldn’t forget the other. Whether the Stellaron would swallow her body first or one of Ritsuka’s peril would finally “set her free”, that was up to their fates inscribed in the stars.

Ritsuka faltered, sensing her intentions, before giving her a genuine smile.

“I’d like that, Stelle.”

[sadhorsegirl]

need it on the official record that i do love moiraine and lan's relationship sososo much!!!

i love the implicit understanding they have with each other, based partially in the fact that they are both heirs separated from a crown for very different reasons. moiraine and lan are both people who cannot go back to where they came from, whether they want to or not. so there is this shared sense of loneliness, and drift that they share, wrapped up in the idea that they probably aren't going to survive the last battle (or even the journey to it) and would rather sacrifice themselves than have anyone they care for or, in moiraine's case for some people deem more necessary to The Pattern (although to be fair to her, this often still means having a certain level of care for them she just um. wasn't raised to know how to show any healthy positive emotion i don't think) moving in companionable silence eternally Searching™

i've grown increasingly haunted by this exchange they have at the end of new spring:

like............"surrender after you are dead. yes." is the sentiment set up as one of the core values of their partnership starting from the very moment she decides to ask lan to be her warder. surely, this will end well for all parties and will NOT have any tragic implications!

it sets up this really harsh poetic symmetry (surprise) when they have their Big Fight™ in the great hunt. moiraine LITERALLY invokes how they first met with funny little jokes abt him throwing her in a pond to get his defenses down so she can jump scare him w an intense re-examination of their relationship. the whole fight is basically her forcing him to think on his toes so she can examine him at his most basic emotional level in order to try and expose the truth abt how he feels, going from playful to painful at the flip of a coin lol. and he's aware of it!!! him calling her out on it and her answering back w patented Aes Sedai Speak, in a relationship that should be free of such manipulation.....

the real master stroke here, though, is the fact that the chapter is from moiraine's pov. we get to see her own inner thoughts about it and see that beneath the devastating chess game she's playing she's just as heartbroken at having to play it. the argument is really a crystalization of what makes her such an interesting character for me -- she is leveraging absolutely brutal social dynamics in order to, from her perspective, HELP someone she cares for deeply.

essentially, moiraine is saying that in his love for nynaeve he's found something to live for beyond sacrifice and that means that their bond to each other must be terminated. he can create a new life, and bc she thinks she understands how everything will play out moiraine thinks she is just cutting down the time before he realizes he can and will ask for her to dissolve the bond anyway. he isn't wed to death anymore, leaving the heavy implication that moiraine still is.

which sets us up for something really interesting for them in s2 i think! while their relationship in the show seems to generally be under less strain than it is where we see them in the mainline series, there remains another crucial difference btw the books and the show -- moiraine has siuan!!!!! im rly excited to see how that comes into play in terms of any potential interpretation of this fight/the breakdown of lan and moiraine's relationship bc it makes her decision to push him away feel even more hypocritical and rooted in her tendency to be self-sacrificing to the point of self loathing.

tldr for anyone just trying to figure out what this might all mean for season two according to one singular poster on tumblr dot com: in the books moiraine feels very........time to burn all bridges so no one can chase after me on my suicide mission basically and i can't say im NOT excited to see if that's where she ends up in the show (to live is to suffer etc etc)

[just-liaa-01]

Are media representations of fans as ‘weird’ and ‘overly emotional’ fair? What is your own experience of fandom?

Yow people! Im back with a new topic again! Are you guys excited, please be excited. Don’t make me the only person excited to talk about this. So my chingu we are back with topic on FANDOM. Yeayy!!

Its regarding FANDOM gosh I’m so excited! I love this topic so much as I am a part of the kpop fandom community. Yohooo! This time, I'm exposing myself since, well, why not? Most of you are aware of what fandom is, I assume. But I guess some might still not know what that is, so I’ll explain it briefly later to you guys. Talking about fandom. Which fandom are you in? Mine is a Kpop Boy group named Seventeen.

So, lets begin with what is fandom?

Ayoo how to explain it briefly ahh? This might be a bit long but trust me you’ll understand what fandom is by the end of this blog post. If you are still confused please do some research or come to me ill help you or I might also bring you to the world of kpop hehe.

Strictly, for those who live under a rock or are just uninterested in things like this. If you guys feels like I’m judging you guys now. Well yes, I am. Hahahaha don’t be too serious. Fandom is a group of people who support groups or individuals regardless of the genre. Unbeknownst to you, everyone is a fan of something whether it’s a sport, music or movie. The word FANDOM is a community which is complex and diverse. Everyone has different preferences, dislikes, and perspectives. In addition to many other wonderful qualities, we are diverse in terms of gender identity, sexual orientation, and color. We come from a wide range of nations and civilizations as well.

Even though my interests might not be of interest to you, I'll still tell you. Like I care hehe.

As I was growing up, I was exposed to a wide range of experiences. From being addicted to video games, to music, and also martial arts sports. However, music is the one that has stuck with me the most after martial arts sport. I start discovering the Korean music industry Kpop when I was in primary school at the age of 11 years old. I started with watching a Korean Drama To The Beautiful You released in 2012. That was the beginning of Amalia’s journey in the K-Drama, K-pop world. Language is not a barrier to ones interest. I’m proud to say that I have watch probably hundreds of K-Dramas and hundreds of K-pop songs too till todays age. But this one particular boy group that catch my attention by their song is Seventeen. I've been hooked by their upbeat songs and beats, entertaining choreography, and overall vibe up till now. I adore them so much as how they keep training from zero to winning a Daesang Award yesterday at the Mnet Asian Music Awards. They also teach me that giving up is not an option. You have to keep trying as a failure is a beginning of a success. I could spend all day talking about them. I've poured countless hours and dollars into my favorite bands and products. I don't regret it, though.

But often why does the media often portray fans as ‘protective’ and ‘obsessive’?

No matter what you're a fan of, society and the media will always interpret you in the way that they want. It truly depends on you, though, therefore it doesn't rule out the chance that some fans will be regarded as such.

The question is, do I consider myself as one of those? Probably no, I do love my boys so much but not to an extend where I would be so obsessed and be overprotective. Since fans come from a variety of nations and backgrounds, it is to be expected that some would behave differently than you would prefer. chasing them, intimidating them at airports, and ultimately turning into "sasaengs." "Sasaengs" are devoted followers who stalk or act in ways that violate someone's privacy.

Fan sign events are supposed to be happy occasions where fans can interact with their idols. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case During the Seventeen Fan signing event. Reported that a sasaeng fan got angry at Joshua, a member of the group. She started trowing objects at him making everyone present there in shock. Her actions brought the entire event to a halt, and a manager had to walk the fan out of the stadium and immediately escort her away from the the Seventeen group members. (Koreaboo, 2018).

Of course, the industry has seen a lot of other incidents, but this is one of the most well-known from the recent past in this group history. This has demonstrated the terrible potential of obsessed fans.

According to a news report by Soompi, Woozi said: “We prepared this song because we wanted to express our gratitude to the fans.” (Omar, 2018).

A true fan is someone who respects their idols space and privacy while still supporting them. That concludes my analysis of this week's topic. Remember, you could be a fan of anything but be a respectful and responsible one. See you next time chingu!

References:

Koreaboo. (2018). Koreaboo. https://www.koreaboo.com/lists/13-disturbing-stories-sasaeng-fans-went-far-1/ ‌

Omar, A. (2018). (Showbiz) SEVENTEEN boys give Thanks and share quirky stories. [online] NST Online. https://www.nst.com.my/lifestyle/groove/2018/02/333737/showbiz-seventeen-boys-give-thanks-and-share-quirky-stories

[dhajetii]

So I would like to share what finally cracked my egg and kinda made me go “oh shit” and couldn’t shove the gender crisis back into the closet anymore. For context: AFAB, rest is under the cut.

The final straw that broke the camels back was Eddie fucking Munson. That nerdy metal head from season 4 of Stranger Things. That little shit (affectionate) ruined my “If I ignore the Problem Maybe It Will Go Away” mentality on my gender identity. Which is something I still find entertaining.

Long story short I had a dream where I ended up in a romantic relationship with Eddie, except the role of “me” was played by a me that had transitioned (binding my chest and just starting t therapy). And it felt correct. Even after I woke up and the dream lingered for a bit it just felt totally normal? It didn’t really come crashing down until I was getting dressed for work and I was like “wait a god damn minute”

The following weeks contained a lot of journaling, just writing thoughts down without overthinking them just being open with myself then going back the next day and reading them again to see if anything else came to mind. I don’t really wanna get into what those thoughts and self-revelations actually were, but maybe I will later idk.

I also did a lot of research on ftm stuff. Read about hrt, prowled around various trans and non-binary subreddits reading other peoples experiences and got a feel for what I found relatable and what I didn’t find relatable.

Ended up deciding I don’t actually wanna start any kind hormone stuff, but that could change in the future, but that binding is something I absolutely wanna do (and top surgery sounds intimidating and a process I don’t wanna do). Found out that as a rather small-chested person I feel comfy in a sports bra or compression top that I can find at clothing stores in town and don’t need to invest in an expensive binder (tried one and ordered the wrong size and it’s way too tight and now I’m nervous about ordering anything online). Also chopped my hair off and got a kind of boy-ish kind of gender neutral cut that I’m very happy with.

The only issue I’m still struggling with is pronouns because idk what I like using?? I’m not too picky about it?? I’ve discovered so long as no one refers to me as “girl” in a present tense im okay (which now that I’m aware, it comes up quite a lot from my coworkers). Which segues into another thing for me: I’m currently 27 years old and for the first like 20-something years of my life I identified as female and I still feel that was correct for me THEN. Can’t say when or why it shifted, but it has and NOW *shrug* now I’m definitely something in the realm of non-binary or trans or genderqueer or Demiboy (if I feel like getting really specific and not using an umbrella term). This is a journey I’m still on but I’m finally feeling comfortable within my own skin in a way I haven’t felt since I was 17 and had the “oh shit I’m asexual” lightbulb moment (even tho I didn’t actually know or use that term until a couple years after that) but that’s an entirely different rabbit hole and blog post that I may or may not do.

[feydfuckernation]

hey love im sending you some Qs!

14, 21, 22, 27

soft asks to get to know people!

waiter??? there is a lindsay in my ask box :0

14. favorite feel-good show?

cobra kai. 100%. i love that fucking show sO much. it's silly goofy 80s fun and then BAM hurts my feelings. 12/10 would recommend if you like pain, suffering and a shit ton of himbos. i keep thinking about rewatching s5 but honestly i ought to rewatch the whole damn thing. i've been getting nostalgic for the first two seasons again and i'm even thinking about rewatching the karate kid trilogy. a karate war is actually something that can be so personal.

21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

you're not going to have everything figured out by the time you're 18, and that's okay. you're never going to have everything figured out. just take it one day at a time and understand that you're constantly going to be learning new things as you grow and change, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

22. what would you say to your future self?

i'm so proud of you.

27. which character would you want to be?

samwise gamgee. honourary mention daniel larusso given the way s5 of cobra kai ends, but i've been thinking about sam and frodo nonstop after having rewatched lotr again and how they both come to terms with their trauma (they mention weathertop specifically but just in terms of the whole journey from the shire to mordor) and that BOTH of them are incredibly valid for how they deal with it. frodo still struggles with the weight of what happened, even four years later, and it's valid! it's so so valid and realistic in a way that is reminiscent of tolkein's own experience as a soldier and that those experiences never really, truly leaves you. and yet you have sam, who would still have ptsd from what happened, but he's also allowed to move on. he's allowed to have dealt with it and marry rosie and start a family. both are equally valid for their experiences, but there is something so hopeful about sam having learned how to reconcile his trauma. we see this a little bit at the end of s5 of cobra kai with daniel larusso after his fight with terry silver, and you also have it with obi-wan kenobi, who i also considered putting on this list, because by the time we meet him in a new hope, he has come to terms with what happened in his lifetime. obi-wan kenobi (series) colours in the years between revenge of the sith and a new hope and, particularly after his fight with anakin, is able to start working towards closure and wisdom and become the wise old man we see in a new hope who is at peace with himself, so yeah. i'd probably go with sam, but i'd also say daniel or obi-wan.

[thoughtcock]

One year later since my last post...

I'll have to say, so many things have changed. For the better. But also, I couldn't have been more out of touch with my own feelings. Time that could be used reflecting went on to the following:

Spending time with said ex-colleague, our relationship has evolved into something stable, comforting. A little less lonely in this city

New apartment by myself, furnishing/cleaning (I have so much more to say about this hehe)

New job with new benefits and perks, long work hours yet still having work life balance. Time spent learning how to deal with breaking news, make sense of filings, find specific figures, to make sense of this financial work

Everything is nice, but I am also yearning for more?

Boyfriend: how we can have a better quality relationship instead of just being each other's ranting bags/favour do-ers. Quite frankly we are in different phrases of life. I got out of my rut, while he's still knee deep in his. I don't want to discount his troubles, but damn the negative vibes sometimes just eats to me. For someone who's been in a rut I ought to be more understanding, but I also can't discount my own feelings of wanting something more than just "ugh everything in my life sucks" vibes creeping around me all the time. what is the right sense of balance in this case?

New apartment: I find myself becoming much happier since I moved to this space. A space that is truly mine, without much sharing apart from bf coming over regularly and helps with logisitics/some chores/companionship. I think for the first time in my life I truly feel like I'm creating a safe space, a HOME for myself. I never felt like that in the past. So that leaves me wanting to do more for this house. A new air fryer? More decor? fancy plates? A projector? What can i buy to make my home more homely? Or am I just spending too much and having to make space for so many more new items which could drag me down potentially? i'm also becoming neater and more organised (i know right who am i), so how do i want my space to be respected?

New job: how can i do more to drive up the career ladder? do i even want to do that when i already have enough in terms of pay and benefits? or do i want to keep building that validation amognst my colleagues and managers? what is it that i want to do for myself at this job? truth be told, its a cushy job that comes with high;y stressful moments and so so so much more to learn as well. how do i keep that balance of learning more without overwhelming myself?

I haven't been going for therapy ever since that B*etterH*lp counsellor semi-ghosted me after our last session. The good thing is my company now has quite a few mental help resources, so i'm trying to restart my therapy journey again. because despite all the new and good thigns coming in, i find myself shoving all my inner feelings and moments for self-reflection aside. sometimes the negative thoughts creep in, and i just feel kinda disillusioned/jaded in a way. i feel like i want to push people away and just be on my own. and i dont know why. i feel like it could be because im expecting more from my bf and hes just been too cooped up in his own negativity/issues.

i spend too much time doom-scrolling and thinking about all the other things that needed my immediate attention more. why would i spend time digging up on how my parents raising me has made me who i am today, when i have to spend time soothing my bf or preparing a tv hit for monday or thinking of what to cook for dinner or just being on twitter reading up on wars and influencer gossip? which is why i am finally back on this little space of mine.

I need time for myself to reflect.

[striving-to-be]

sometimes, i sit in boredom and i summon excitement. i think about how i get to try new things. how im in a city of my own choosing. an intern, busy enough to be useful and yet, not quite bogged down by the thought that this is the rest of your life.

and still. the first week was enough for me to know that 6am showers and 1 hour commutes and days ending at 9pm wasn't for me. at least, i know i need something more.

it's not quite about the productivity of my working day. maybe its more about what i do. but it's equally about what i do after.

capitalism hasn't made a workaholic of me, yet. somehow, it rewoke the urge to fill my life with things. a maximalist.

beginner size two skates. burnt rice. coffee at 9 pm because that's when your friend get's access to her mom's car. joining a curling club. hot chocolate and granola with preteens.

tutoring during the week. PD courses speed written. linkedin coffee chats. phone calls after work. snaps back and forth throughout the workday.

and yet i want more. something just for me. friday night ultimate, perhaps? or maybe volunteering.

and sometimes im scared and nervous and alone. and then i think about how, in the middle of finals, this is what i was looking forward to. the light at the end of the tunnel. being in a city, all by myself. the space that comes with living on your own. the quietness of your living area when you want it so. the way you know exactly what you're walking into. the way you get to set the mood for your day. the realization that yes, you are truly on your own. you have been, of course, all your life. but now, for the first time perhaps, you can feel it.

my friend back home. she called when i first moved, to remind me. 'how exciting is it? one day, you'll look back and say, 'when i was in ottawa...for work, yeah'. this is what we've been dreaming about.

skating. hockey. stand-up. cooking, midnight chai with that friend, who you weren't that close with, but now you're in the same city, and proximity makes friends of us all. reconnecting with old friends, and thinking, huh maybe i was better off. asking yourself, is this flirting?? whispered voice messages to that friend, you know which one, saying. 'i dont think this is good for me', 'i don't think i am ready', 'what's the point of dating if it's not going to be long term?'.

and hearing, after a beat, 'you sound happy'.

and then, realizing. it truly is not that deep. you can just choose to live life on easy. turn up the music when the bus is late. turn up the music when the bus doesn't show up at all, and why not just walk? dress warmly, always. check the weather, but of course wind chill makes a fool of us all. somehow almost two decades into this thing you call life you still don't quite get how its never been colder in -10C weather.

realizing that dating isn't that deep. that you really did put a high expectation on dating. and how serious and long term and perfect and committed it would be. and of course, a pat on the back for not jumping in. because, even though you didn't realize those were some high hopes to put on a partner, that you were more idealist than you thought, you knew that you weren't in a place where dating was for you. because you weren't quite done with forging your life. and though you were only a year in, and fucked up a little every day, you found you quite liked forging your own life. and you weren't ready to stop. but why should it? i think i get it a little more now, dating isn't about sharing your life with them. well at least not quite yet. it's going to be about making your own lives. and finding space in it for each other. i don't know if i can do that. i don't know if i want to.

but i think i get it a little more now. life's in the journey.