#i know live slug reaction is dead but i NEEDED to make this

[fangdyk3]

[failed-inspection]

Dead On Arrival: a Rain World AU

hii hii! I had this AU concept bouncing around in my head for ages, the basic summary can best be described as "What if Spearmaster was friends with Artificer before the events of Arti's campaign?"

Time has passed since The Incident, and Spearmaster Cannot help but blame themself, those angry words of their recipient still haunt their mind, knowing that the message they delivered had caused the death of someone, brougt a slow and painful demise to another, and had burned the bridges between their creator and the one closest to them... They had so much people relying on them, and they failed, they sometimes still visit the surrounding facility areas, maybe as some sort of self inflicted punishment, reopening the wounds of memories, maybe as a bittersweet reminder of what could have been, regardless, during one of these travels, they come across a family of three, a maroon Slugcat and their two pups, at this moment in time, Spear is aware that they're considered an anomaly amongst slug kind (maybe they went to OE at one point as they were traveling), and expected some sort of negative reaction, instead, the other slugcats just seem... curious, not afraid, not disgusted, curious, this in one way or another, this leads to the slugcats interacting, which leads to them hanging out more and more, at one point, becoming relatively close, Arti's pups enjoy playing with Spearmaster despite how unusual they are, and Arti is happy to have a supply on spears whenever it was time to hunt, of course, spear would always return back to Suns, but whenever they visited the facilities, the family would always be happy to see them again.

Eventually, Spearmaster felt comfortable enough with Arti to open up about The Incident, about how they were tasked to deliver a pearl to help their creator's friend, only for things to take a turn for the worst, they ruined their creator's life, their friend lost everything, and they failed to save the one person who needed it most, leading to her death.

Arti doesn't quite understand the loss spearmaster has experienced, since they admit they hasn't faced such a loss like this, but they try to reassure them that things will be fine, they'll be here for them, despite everything, they don't have to grieve alone, one day they talk once again, before Spear goes back to Suns' can, and Arti and their pups go along their very way.

Remember how I mentioned Arti didn't understand the loss? That's because they didn't lose their pups yet.

This is the last time Spearmaster ever sees Arti's pups again, their lives had been later taken in freak incident, when one of them got a little too curious about a golden pearl within the scavenger tolls...

Eventually, time passes, and Spear and Arti see each other again, this isn't a warm, welcoming reunion by any means, as Spear found out about their current murder spree, to add salt to the wound, they also learned about how Pebbles, (who in their eyes, is the very one that lead to the death of Moon and stuff like that, how they feel about pebbles is very complicated and might need it's open in depth look but regardless considering their previous experiences with Pebbles his actions here REALLY don't sit well with them) tasked them with exterminating the scav population in his city, Spear is... rightfully horrifed! This wasn't the slugcat they once knew, the one they considered a friend, they honestly felt pretty betrayed in a sense... maybe Artificer is in the middle of a killing spree as Spearmaster runs into them, maybe they're too blinded by grief so that their attempts to get them to stop, that they don't have to do this... This only makes them see more red, maybe they end up fighting physically, maybe one of them ends up fleeing, whether it be in anger or horror.

Either way, Just like the bonds of the two iterators Spearmaster was made to help in the first place, history repeats itself, and the bridges have burned once again.

because I'm evil, the pearl the pup tried to take is the same pearl that held the instructions for removing the self destruction taboo in this AU <3

[amarriageoftrueminds]

https://youtu.be/ajNwoS3Nsas?si=w-9hwcbT3Fb6WW5f

^^^ Phillips telling the damn truth and Peggy being like,"I did what was right" and "I don't have a crush on Cap'n America". And then, when Phillips noticed the other soldiers being distracted by something (Cap and the others returning), he leaves her standing there alone in the tent. She just continues to stand in the tent for a few more seconds, and her facial expression basically screams, "Why is the attention being taken away from me!?" Nice try, Madame Hydra, we all see through your lies.

She's so deluded about herself.

1) Doesn't have a crush?? She's been following Steve around panting like a b in heat ever since he stepped out of that vitaray tube!

2) She DIDN'T have faith in Steve.

She tried to nag Steve not to do the right thing after sneering at the very idea of it "what do you plan to do, walk to Austria?" because "your friend (didn't even know Bucky's name) is most likely dead??"

(True to form, she dgaf about the little guys. Unlike Steve, who mentioned not wanting to work in a factory; he knows how dire the situation is.)

Then she had to have her words thrown back in her face by Steve before she'd deign to help him (not that he needed it). And even then she transparently only 'helped' because she doesn't like being completely irrelevant to Steve's plans.

(He essentially tells her to stfu and get out of the way.)

Also, Classic trope in a Domestic Violence thriller is the scene where the male creep turns up at the female heroine's workplace, uninvited, and tries to persuade her to quit her job so he can have more control over her life. (But then shits the bed when she starts acting independently of him?)

That's Peggy.

Her shifting blame sideways to leech off a powerful man, claiming to be his mouthpiece when he is conveniently absent/dead and cannot speak for himself to contradict her.

( How the fuck would you know what Steve would think, you've only spoken to him like 3 times, total, months apart, and most of that time you were disagreeing with him?? )

This really is her signature move: 5 times in this movie alone she rips off or puts words in powerful dead men's mouths, usually to suggest a closer connection with them than she actually had (and by extension a greater importance of herself, by proxy).

(Also a classic Stark move, to rip off other peoples' work. Like AI rips off art. You can see why Peggy is paired off with Stark so often; they really have a lot in common. And that's before you get into What If...?)

And whereas honest Steve marches straight up to Phillips, openly and with integrity, and immediately surrenders himself for disciplinary action (and only escapes it because he's proven himself competent, and has like 500+ guys around him who'd probably mutiny if he was punished), she's trying to argue she shouldn't be punished.

Textbook nepobaby.

(As Phillips makes clear. She's not important or necessary, like Stark. She's only there because he "took a chance" on her. So... not there on merit.)

It's wild that after all the shit she does in that movie this is the closest she ever comes to experiencing an Actual Consequence, until Wanda cut her in half. 🥳

(If only Steve had come back ten minutes later! She might've already been fired by then! Alas.)

And you can see on her face that being told off is a really unsettling experience she's just not used to. You can see the barely-controlled rage/attitude of 'how dare this superior officer tell ME off??' when Phillip's back is turned.

It's like... a spoiled little princess Junior Karen being told off by a school teacher.

And the only character with the clout to deliver that dressing down has to be played by friggin Tommy Lee Jones!

Other things to notice:

A) CEvans playing Steve seeing she's there behind Phillips and doing a Live Slug Reaction, about as much expression on his face as if she was a piece of furniture. 🤣 (Contrast: him seeing Bucky, or even him seeing Sam, when they've been apart a while.) His interaction with Phillips has more genuine warmth. 🤷‍♀️

B) How mysteriously un-jubilant Peggy is that all those soldiers are safe. Y'know, the ones she didn't think Steve should bother saving? 👀💅

C) The fact that this so-called 'spy's reconnaissance sources apparently can't spot 500+ men marching back to camp in broad daylight literally seconds away from where she's standing. 🤦‍♀️ How is she still employed?

[the-nosy-neighbor]

The Wally/Home Connection

This is going to be some far out theorizing, but I think it might not be for everyone.  The post is about Home/Wally’s relationship.  Please don’t read if you think that might spoil your enjoyment of the project at all.  

Wally and Home

The relationship between Home and Wally is something heavily debated.  The really cool thing about this project is that you can see most of them being a possibility.  I think the one thing that is commonly expressed is that they are working together somehow.  

You know what I think?  Wally is a part of Home’s body.  Home made Wally to attract people/neighbors.

The more I spent time thinking about the relationship between Home and Wally, the idea of them being connected entities has always appealed to me more than other theories.  

Wally is such an attractive character!  He is cute and disarming and a bit slow.  He loves everyone.

In the world of the show, where Wally and his friends are real, you could make the argument that Wally is this way because of the needs of the show.  The kids need a focal point, something to relate to as their replacement in the world.  Wally doesn’t know things, he doesn’t need to.  We all learn together.

BUT, while we haven’t seen Wally of the show, we have heard him.  He is cute and funny, and everyone enjoys having him around.  He participates and asks questions and tells stories.  So, he is an active character.  In the secret videos, we have Wally as a part of every scene, and we appear to be seeing through his eyes, and he really doesn’t have any reaction while the video goes.  He appears to be disassociating, or just turned off.  

What if Wally is the representative of home, but in the same way an anglerfish has a lure?

Puppeteer Parasite IRL and in D&D

Puppeteer Parasite.  One of the bugs reminded tumblrina of something that is a real bug that is a Puppeteer Parasite, or related anyway.  

It is a fungus that makes ants do their bidding, which is a less understood way to describe the fungus affecting the nervous system.  In the end, the ants climb to the top of a bush (the night time rattling in the bushes?), bite down and die.  Scientists say that the fungus has worked around the jaw muscles at this point.

In DnD, the puppeteer parasite is a brain slug type thing (also on tv tropes)

Can’t see past 60 ft

Telepathy within 30 ft

Doesn’t require air or sleep

Spells are cling/consume life

Has a suggestion bonus action

Rubber amoeba the size of a dinner plate, glossy on top, bone hooks on the bottom

Attaches to wall or ceiling and jumps/falls on victim

Drains energy or uses them for a ride

Likes humanoid thralls as victims

Thralls:  people fear, consumes human flesh to reveal lost secrets, doesn’t breathe, has superior vision in the dark, has 2 languages

Using my own illustration here, explaining the concept, plus it was just fun.  

It explains the secret videos, if the angler fish isn’t actively using Wally, then he just doesn’t do anything.  Home doesn’t have to do anything in these moments, so Wally is off, until the use of Wally’s name shakes the Anglerfish out of passivity into participating.

Wally doesn’t know anything maybe because Home doesn’t know these things either.  If he is the equivalent of an anglerfish to a human, then basic information and ways of living would be completely foreign on both parts.  

Wally can’t eat.

Wally is attractive and draws people to him.  He makes for a pretty good lure.  He isn’t challenging in most ways, especially since he can’t even remember small things.

Wally attempts to include Home in all of their activities.  Home can’t move around in this universe, so it makes sense that he sees all this happening through Wally.  Maybe those moments are Home’s attempt to get people closer to him.

Barnaby is close with Home (and from my Look, I made a dog post, most likely dead) and look what happened to him? As someone who spends a lot of time with Home, and has been the only character portrayed as being inside Home and capable of understanding him.  What if this is our puppeteering?  Once Barnaby has been incorporated into Home/Wally, then he could also be used to lure unsuspecting people into Home’s trap.

Wally being out of it during Barnaby’s conversation with Home could be Home's attention being divided?

There are a lot of missing people in this neighborhood.  We have mentions of Barnaby’s mom, Julie’s siblings, and Eddie’s mom.  These all came through descriptive text, and if I remember correctly, none of those characters are mentioned by the characters they are supposed to be related to.  Maybe Barnaby mentioned his mom, but then again, he could be absorbed.  What if absorbed means you have access to Home’s inner workings?

Axed character Sunny.  Maybe Sunny was devoured by Home.  

On a related note, all the black stuff /under Home could be part of the entrapment.  Black tendrils reaching out.  

Someone speculated that Wally’s I see you/I can’t see being on black backgrounds could be a zoom in of wally’s pupil (my eyes are black).  But it could be the deep sea like background.

Edit: There is no heart between Wally and Home on the pixel banner with all the neighbors.

Let’s go to an actual fish:

This guy definitely has tendrils reaching out.  A lot of this kind of fish also have mouths that almost resemble doors. 

Maybe Home just has to get someone in the door, and once Wally gets close enough to ask someone to come in, gotcha.

The puppeteer parasite: The first is the ant, obviously, infected by the parasite.  The ant has a protuberance from the head, which also puts me in mind of the black stuff.

The DnD guy is pretty funny.  More of a flat slug-like thing that takes people unawares.  Replace all those teeth with eyes, and it would be a pretty close analog to several things we see.  

Finally, there is a very telling picture from Clown’s ko-fi.  Not going to share that, as I haven’t seen it anywhere else, but Clown’s work is often taking something happy and celebratory, and turning it into a monster, or at least as something threatening.  This sculpture is not that, specifically, but the sculpture was photographed next to Home, which is very telling indeed.  

Home the devouring entity has Wally to speak for them, and now Wally is speaking to us, trying to draw us into his world or trying to break through to ours.  

"Hold my gaze and follow me."

[scribbuluswrites]

The Destruction

Oh lovely readers, it’s finally Friday. As of noon, I’ve already done 75 hours at work for the week. So... I will be the laziest slug bastard on Sunday. I cannot wait. 

As always, thank you so much for reading along and journeying far from canon with me. I appreciate each of you endlessly, and all of your comments/reblogs/interactions keep me fueled. 

Now, as we reach the conclusion of this, I want to ask. Is there anything else you’d like to see from this story? Are there stones unturned? Are there situations unexplored? I’d love to hear from you guys on this. I might just have some extra bits to toss out there if I catch an idea. :)

It was another three weeks before Coco finally went back to the apartment he shared with Katarina. Her car was in the lot. Coco grimaced, remembering a time when that filled him with joy instead of dread. He almost wished Kat was still at work so he could just sneak in for a shower and a change of clothes. 

He trudged up the stairs, taking a deep breath before unlocking the front door. Coco wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the one he got. 

Kat barely even glanced up as she stood in the kitchen, heating something up on the stove. Her face was blank, and the total lack of reaction almost hurt more. A flash of rage at least meant she was still invested in him. 

“We gotta talk,” Coco started, surprising himself. He took a seat at the kitchen table, watching her still working in the kitchen. “Kat,” he added, raising his voice just a bit when she still didn’t look over. 

Katarina didn’t acknowledge him, pushing the batch of scrambled eggs onto a plate. She stood her ground when Coco finally came into the small kitchen, standing just behind her now. 

“You gonna ice me out now?” 

Kat snorted, shaking her head as she stayed facing away from him. Coco put his hand on her elbow, starting to turn her around. 

“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve,” she snarled, yanking her arm away from him. “You just show up like this,” she said, gesturing to his current state, “and act like we’re just going to have a chat.” 

“Show up here? I fuckin’ live here,” Coco snapped back. 

“Don’t make me laugh. You haven’t really been here in months.” Katarina was starting to give up on her original plan of not giving him hell. Despite the time apart, she was still burning with rage at the last fight they’d had.

“Yeah? And how many times you called? How many times you tried to check in? Tried to get me to come home?” 

“What was that really charming thing you told me?” Kat said mostly to herself, looking at the ceiling as she pretended to think. “I’m not your fucking ma? I think that was it.” Katarina pushed past him, not willing to let him keep her trapped between him and the kitchen counter. “I shouldn’t have to beg you to come home, Coco.” 

“Yeah, and I shouldn’t have to tell you to fight for me,” he shot back, following closely after her. “I ain’t even know why I came back. You got Happy now, you ain’t need me, huh?” 

Kat stopped short, spinning to face him with her mouth dropped open. “You still want to try and act like I’ve done something wrong when you’re standing there reeking of some other woman?” She closed her eyes, struggling not to throw something or scream at him. She scrubbed her hands over her face, trying to push some of her frustration down. “How long have you known?” she asked, her voice quieter. 

Coco shrugged. “Found out the night I lost my eye. Guess it just slipped my mind.” He looked like a trapped animal now, clearly unwilling to face his own mistakes. It was easier to just be furious with Katarina. 

“Six months? You’ve known for six months that he wasn’t dead?” she asked in disbelief. 

“Of course you’re more upset about him than my fuckin’ sight,” Coco growled, frowning at her. He knew that wasn’t the point, but he wasn’t about to back down now. 

“I’m upset that you couldn’t find five minutes in your pity party to tell me,” Kat nearly shouted, her frustration with him starting to boil over. She loved Coco, but she didn’t have it in her to keep reminding him of it. The past few months had worn her down, taken all of the optimism from her. 

To her shock, Coco shoved her. “I’m sick of people telling me how to deal with this. I’m losing everything over this.The fuck you know about it?” 

“You went through something really shitty, I know that. You feel like everyone has turned their back on you, like you weren’t worth the fight,” Kat said through gritted teeth. “But, you threw everything away. I loved you, Coco. Really, genuinely loved you. I would have been here through all of it. I would have…” she paused, biting her cheek briefly to stop herself from crying. He didn’t deserve any more tears. “I would have chosen you every-fucking-day.”

Katarina looked at the floor, unable to look at Coco any longer. She wanted to comfort him, blame him, hate him. But, really, all she felt right now was sadness, and Kat refused to let herself regret anything.

“Go back wherever the hell you’ve been staying. I’ll be out by the end of the week. Then you can have the apartment all to yourself,” Kat murmured, refusing to meet his eyes. She couldn’t bear to see what he had become. 

“Where are you gonna go?” he asked, his eyebrows pulled together. 

“That stopped being your business when things ended between us,” she replied, still not looking at him. Coco nearly laughed. 

“Five minutes and I’m already locked out?” 

“It was over weeks ago when you picked her,” she muttered. Coco stood frozen where he was as Katarina walked down the hall to their room. He heard the door slam, but it didn’t feel real. He felt disconnected from this reality. 

Inside, he knew he should apologize. He wanted to beg her forgiveness and tell her he was going to fix everything. He wanted to tell her it would all get better and have it be the truth. 

Instead, Coco left. He knew the people at the camp he’d been visiting would give him a place to stay. They weren’t the people he should be with, but at least they wouldn’t judge him. 

Later that night, Coco made an even bigger mistake. His hangarounds were desperate for money and heroin. He knew the consequences if he didn’t help, and they barely outweighed the consequences if he did help. 

Coco had a way to supply them with a bit of both. He would steal from the club to prevent the Mayans learning how deep he’d gotten with these people. If they found out about his debt, betrayal, or continued usage, he would be dead before the morning anyway.

As he sunk to his deepest depression, Coco also gave up his address so they could ransack the place for jewelry or anything else of value. He told them to go during the day because most people in the building worked, and it would be empty at midday. He no longer cared what they took or destroyed in the place he’d never go back to again. Without Katarina, the apartment wasn’t home.

Tags: @gemini0410 @scuzmunkie @woahitslucyylu @chibsytelford @withmyteeth @heyitsperfect    

[nocturnalnewsiestrash]

I posted 5,928 times in 2022

122 posts created (2%)

5,806 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@inahallucination

@notbryandenton

@hey-op-just-kill-me

@aedan-mills

@kip-can-fiddle

I tagged 973 of my posts in 2022

#pretty art pretty art pretty art - 123 posts

#heartstopper - 25 posts

#dead poets society - 18 posts

#morgan this is important - 13 posts

#oh my god - 10 posts

#ollie my beloved - 9 posts

#newsies - 7 posts

#morgan you dropped this - 6 posts

#nick nelson - 6 posts

#paper girls - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#i never played house at home but at preschool i was always the person who made deals between the other girls fighting over who got to be mom

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

The amount of "too woke" 1 star reviews I've seen on both IMDb and Amazon about Paper Girls makes me want to commit literal crimes

106 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

#4

How do I stay sane in the DPS fandom? It's simple. I hide from Neil's death like a 3 year old hiding behind a pole in a game of hide and seek where I'm thoroughly convinced it cannot see me as long as I close my eyes

325 notes - Posted February 11, 2022

#3

Getting a live slug reaction during Quinton Review's new video was such a special little treat

636 notes - Posted September 1, 2022

#2

The fact that bisexuality is trending solely because the Nick Nelson obsession and Misha's un-coming out are happening simultaneously is so freaking funny to me like look where else could you get this

2,817 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Now that I've heard the news about Phantom closing, all i can think about is WHAT ABOUT THE ORCHESTRA?! What about their stable 30 year jobs filled with resentment?! Are they happy? How many of the originals are out of jobs for the first time in decades? I'll be honest that I haven't checked in on the state of the orchestra since seeing the one post on them but I need to know how they're feeling about this

13,915 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[joyflameball]

So what exactly is be more chill? Curious (also ramble all you want I love it).

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA JOIN ME IN BRAINROT HELL THIS FANDOM IS DEAD AND I WILL REVIVE IT OR I WILL FUCKING TRY THROUGH MY HYPERFIXATION OR SO HELP ME

Short version: Local twink with bi swag from New Jersey, Jeremy Heere, eats a tiny computer to be chill and date a girl. A literal chill pill. Computer is now in brain. Cue gay angst, boyf riends, arson, bisexuality, and me having a specific type of favorite character.

Long version: Hoo boy. Prepare for me to scream over gay rights, analyze the fuck out of Jeremy Heere, and sob my eyes out over Michael Mell. I’m not putting this under the cut because I want to recruit people to the fandom because it’s dead and I will bring it to life. Fuck you.

Be More Chill is about a teenager named Jeremy who is a horny bastard with not cis swag. No one’s completely sure WHAT his gender is, but he sure as hell ain’t cis. He is all the genders. He is none of the genders. He has the same gender as Link Legend Of Zelda

The opening number, More Than Survive (WHICH, TO MUSIC NERD OUT, NOT ONLY INTRODUCES US TO OUR WORLD BUT ALSO DOUBLES AS JEREMY’S I-WANT SONG MAKING IT MUSICALLY STRONGER THAN MAJORITY OF THE DISNEY RENAISSANCE FILMS, IF YOU NEED MORE ON THAT SIDEWAYS HAS A GREAT VIDEO, IT’S ABOUT A GOOFY MOVIE AND TALKS ABOUT SONGS AND PURPOSE AND MUSICALS AND SHIT, WATCH IT) introduces Jeremy pretty well, here’s the beginning lyrics because I’m not good at explaining shit

Anyway we meet Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna, we’re not talking about them all you need to know is I do not like Chloe fuck Chloe all my homies hate Chloe. Anyway we meet Rich, he writes “boyf” on Jeremy’s backpack you’ll understand later, we’re quickly introduced to Jake, I don’t remember a ton about Rich and Jake but I think they’re gay, and then we meet MY KIN MY BELOVED, CHRISTINE CANIGULA. IF YOU FORGOT HER NAME WAS CHRISTINE, DON’T WORRY, BECAUSE IT’S SAID SO MANY TIMES IT’S COMICAL. I LOVE HER.

Christine points out that someone wrote Boyf on Jeremy’s backpack and he just fuckin RUNS this show is a comedic masterpiece and also what fucking time period does this show take place in because the slang is all over the place this is a good thing but fuck all that because then we meet the BEST CHARACTER in the ENTIRE SHOW

MICHAEL MELL YOU ARE A NATIONAL TREASURE YOU ARE SERATONIN INCARNATE YOU MAY KNOW HIM FROM THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN SONG BUT THAT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT I RECOMMEND YOU GO LISTEN TO THE ACTUAL SONG (MORE THAN SURVIVE NOT THE BREAKDOWN SONG THAT’S FOR LATER) JUST LISTEN TO HOW FUCKIN HAPPY MICHAEL SOUNDS OR IF YOU JUST WANNA HEAR MICHAEL BE HAPPY HERE’S THE CLIP CHERISH HIS HAPPINESS

Michael is a fan favorite, and THERE’S NO QUESTION WHY. Like, you know that one person who's just so enthusiastic and radiates such positive vibes that they cheer you up just by existing? There are three people I know like that, and they're my best friend, Sonic Wachowski, and Michael Mell. Coincidentally all three of them need therapy but that is completely irrelevant

Anyway Michael’s the best character in the show he’s a stoner he likes vintage stuff he buys slushies from 7-11 I think that in one production of the show it was mentioned he has two moms also he has a rainbow patch on his sleeve AND WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS AND THAT’S RELVANT BECAUSE APPARENTLY RICH WROTE “RIENDS” ON MICHAEL’S BACKPACK SO WHEN JEREMY AND MICHAEL STAND NEXT TO EACH OTHER IT SAYS BOYF RIENDS AND IT’S SO FUNNYJHDKJFHGDSHGFS

LOVE WINS LOVE FUCKING WINS THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW GAY THEY ARE LIKE IN THIS SONG JEREMY WENT FROM “Hate not dating anyone ever” TO “HOLY SHIT MICHAEL :D” AND HE’S JUST BOPPIN TO THE MUSIC WHILE MICHAEL SINGS GOD THEY’RE SO IN LOVE BASICALLY EVERY SCENE THEY’RE IN YOU COULD EASILY PUT “LIVE SLUG REACTION” OVER IT THEY ARE LIVING IN MY BRAIN THEY WILL NOT LEAVE OR PAY RENT I AM GONNA GO NUTS OVER THEM LOOK AT THEM THEY’RE IN LOVE

Anyway Christine signs up for the school play and Jeremy’s like “KNOW WHAT I THINK SHE’S CUTE I’M GONNA SIGN UP FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY” and MIchael’s just being the ultimate wingman I love him so much (at one point before Jeremy goes to the play rehersal he’s like “YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS. OF COURSE I’LL MOCK YOU FOREVER IF YOU DON’T.” it’s so funny i love him)

We officially meet Christine and she’s so fucking neurodivergent and it’s amazing, she’s got gigantic feelings about living up to all she’s meant to be and at one point she rants about roles for women in theatre and it’s so fucking funny I kin her intensely <3 (side note when we meet her jeremy’s like “is this where you meet for the play rehersal” and christine’s like “no this is where you meet for the swim team. i’m joking i’m joking” and jeremy’s like “oH WELL I’M JEREMY” and it’s so fucking funny jeremy is so fucking dumb i love him so much) Btw Jake exists but I’m not hyperfixated on him fuck you his parents laundered money now they’re on the run that doesn’t really come into play tho maybe I haven’t watched the musical in ages and probably have ADHD fjdhhfhsdfjsd

Anyway we see Rich again and he’s a little shit and also short (he calls Jeremy “tallass” and Jeremy’s like “WHY DO YOU CALL ME THAT I’M NOT EVEN THAT TALL” fun fact michael’s taller than jeremy which i love so much) (ALSO APPARENTLY RICH IS ONLY 5′5??? THAT’S NOT THAT SHORT??? IS EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL JUST 5′10 SHFGJGSHFNHCSBDH) but Rich is confident as hell AND THEN HE FUCKING GASPS LIKE HE’S BEEN PUNCHED IN THE GUT AND THEN HE’S LIKE “HEY. HEY JEREMY MY MAN. DID YOU KNOW THAT IN FRESHMAN YEAR I WAS A LOSER LIKE YOU. YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I STOPPED BEING A LOSER.”

He proceeds to talk about a fuckin thing called a Squip, you can’t even look it up on the internet, it’s a very fun word to say, it’s from Japan, it’s a grey oblong pill, quantum nanotechnology CPU, the quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until it implants in your brain and tells you what to do

Jeremy’s like “SO IT’S DRUGS???” And Rich is like IT’S BETTER THAN DRUGS YOU PIECE OF SHIT STONER IT’S FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN IT’S A GREY OBLONG PILL QUANTUM PILL QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY CPUUU THEEE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DOOOOOO IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOO IT’S PREPROGRAMMED IT’S AMAZING SPEAKS TO YOU DIRECTLYYYYYYY YOU BEHAVE AS IY’S APPRAISING HELPS YOU ACT CORRECTLYYYYYYY (Squip homophobic) HEEELPS YOOUU TOOO BEEE COOOOOOOOOOOOOL IT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELPS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE THIS SONG SLAPS SO HARD

Rich keeps pitching the Squip how if Jeremy takes his advice and if he pays the listed prince then you’ll go from sad from interesting to hip yeah your whole life will flip when you have a squip this song slaps so hard and you can get a Squip for the low price of six hundred dollars and then Rich fucking RIFFS TO INSANITY  HEYY YEAAH A SQUIIIIIIIIP HEEEEYEAH A SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP HEY YEAH NO LONGER A DRIP WHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIP A SQUIIP A SQUIIIIIIP A SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP THIS SONG HAS NO RIGHT TO GO SO HARD

Anyway this next scene is one I like to call WOA... GAYMERS (YEAH MICHAEL’S BACK CHERISH EVERY BIT OF SCREENTIME HE GETS BECAUSE HE REALLY NEEDED MORE) SO BASICALLY IT’S A SONG WHERE MICHAEL AND JEREMY ARE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES TOGETHER AND IT’S SO FUCKING CUTE

SO AFTER THE BEGINNING VERSE MICHAEL’S LIKE “YEAH SO RICH IS DEF SCAMMING YOU. SUPER WEIRDLY.” AND JEREMY’S LIKE “BUT WHAT IF HE’S NOT THO, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BRING THE GUY WHO BULLIES ME SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS OKAY YEAH HE’S SCAMMING ME I’M DOOMED TO BE A LOSER UNTIL THE END OF TIME AND BEYOND” AND MICHAEL’S LIKE “NO WAY NO FUCKING WAY HERE IS WHY YOU ARE WRONG” AND SAYS HE’S COOLER THAN A VINTAGE CASSETTE AND SAYS THAT HIGH SCHOOL BEING SHIT ISN’T A BIG DEAL BECAUSE THEY’RE A TEAM AND IT’S SO CUTE I LOVE YOU MICHAEL MELL JEREMY ALSO LOVES YOU BUT ROMANTICALLY

This song does highlight some differences between Michael and Jeremy that come into play later. The biggest one I take away from it is that Michael’s more... patient than Jeremy. Michael knows he and Jeremy are losers, but Michael owns it, partially because he is sure that in two years, once he and Jeremy get to collage, they’re gonna be cool. In his own words, “guys like us are cool in collage.” Jeremy, on the other hand, doesn’t want to wait for collage to possibly be cool. He feels, in his own words, “stuck on a level, and I wanna move on.” He wants to be cool now, Michael is fine with waiting.

An additional note: we learn in this song that Jeremy’s mom just. Left. And since then, his dad has been depressed as hell. Jeremy probably has a LOT of pent up emotions about the whole thing (”You heard from her?” “No. And who cares? It’s like, Mom moved on, why can’t he?”).

BUT FUCK THAT BECAUSE AT ONE POINT JEREMY’S AFOREMENTIONED DAD COMES IN AND SAYS, AND I QUOTE “IS THAT A GIRL? ARE YOU IN HERE WITH A GIRL? OH HI MICHAEL” WHICH. FHSDHNFHDSBHBJS EVERYONE KNOWS THEY’RE IN LOVE RICH KNOWS JEREMY’S DAD KNOWS THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW IS THE IDIOTS THEMSELVES

ANYWAY MICHAEL IS ESTABLISHED TO HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES BECAUSE JEREMY’S LIKE “YO WE DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THE MONEY TO RICH WE COULD JUST GO TO HIS BUYER AND SEE IF IT CHECKS OUT” AND MICHAEL’S LIKE “IF IT DOES WILL YOU BE TOO COOL FOR UH FOR VIDEO GAMES” AND THEN THERE’S THIS

THAT’S GAY THAT’S SO FUCKING GAY THEY’RE SO IN LOVE I’M SO NORMAL OVER THEM OH OH OH AND I’M P SURE THERE’S A VERSION OF THE SONG WHERE THE LYRIC IS “HIGH SCHOOL’S PERVERSE BUT WITHOUT YOU IT’D BE SO MUCH WORSE” WHICH IS SO MUCH GAYER

ANYWAY THE SONG ENDS AFTER ONE LAST REPEAT OF THE CHORUS (THE CHORUS FORESHADOWS THINGS I WILL NOT ELABORATE) AND YOU END WITH THE IMPRESSION THAT WOW. THEY’RE GAY.

Side note let’s talk about how fucking stupid Jeremy and Michael are because I find it hilarious. Jeremy really went “WELP NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK ME, GUESS I’LL EAT A FUCKIN COMPUTER” and Michael was like “WELL IF WE TAKE THE MONEY TO NOT OUR BULLY AND JEREMY WON’T BE TOO COOL FOR UH VIDEO GAMES I SEE NOTHING ELSE WRONG WITH THIS PLAN” like they both agreed “Ah yes, eating a shady computer from Japan that implants in your brain and tells you what to do is a completely rational idea” and it was only later that they went “Waaiit a minute. Maybe eating a supercomputer from Japan that can't be looked up on the internet that we bought in the back of a shoe store for 400 dollars in cash that the dealer said 'wasn't exactly legal'. Was a bad idea." they’re both fuckign stupid I love them so much

Anyway Jeremy and Michael go and get the Squip which looks like a Tictac, and they learn they gotta take it with Mountain Dew. Don’t ask why. So next day, Jeremy takes the squip and it is inneffective and he’s like “i wasted my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen tictac (side note this confirms he’s jewish!) leave me to mourn in my chili fries forever” and then eternal ray of sunshine Michael Mell’s like “OKAY I’LL BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE I AM GOING TO GET SOMETHING CALLED CRYSTAL PEPSI. IT’S LIKE REGULAR PEPSI. JUST CLEAR.” AND HE’S SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT IT ESPECIALLY THE FACT THAT IT WAS DISCONTINUED IN THE 90S (hehe chekhov’s gun) HE IS NEURODIVERGENT I WOULD KILL AND DIE FOR HIM

Anyway in the next scene Jeremy tries talking to Christine and then he fuckgn dies

So basically Jeremy has a bit of a seizure and the squip turns out to have worked all along and it looks like Keanu Reaves for A Reason. What is that reason? FUCK YOU IT’S FUNNY (AND THE SQUIP’S BRIEFLY LIKE “KEANU REAVES IS MY DEFAULT MODE YOU CAN ALSO SET ME FOR: SEAN CONNERY. JACK NICKELSON. SEXY ANIME FEMALE UHUHU” THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE AND IT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY I LOVE THIS MUSICAL)

ANYWAY THERE’S A SONG WHERE THE SQUIP’S AN ASSHOLE AND FUCKING MENTALLY RIPS INTO JEREMY UNDER THE GUISE OF “HELPING HIM.” I’M GONNA KILL IT. LIKE IT TELLS JEREMY THAT “EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS SO TERRIBLE, EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKES ME WANNA DIE” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST (at least there’s a bit of the song that’s so very stim so don’t freak out and don’t resist and have no doubt if i assist youu wiiiiiiill be more chill it is so stim)

ALSO THE SQUIP CASTS LIKE. A HALLUCINATION THING???? WHERE ALL THE STUDENTS REINFORCE TO JEREMY THAT EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SUCKS AND EVERYONE HATES HIM ACTUALLY WHERE THE FUCK IS MICHAEL WE NEED HIM TO SMACK THE SQUIP IN THE FACE WITH MOUNTAIN DEW RED

(I just wanna share this post because it’s so fucking funny and also gay rights, also here’s an animatic of that song, the ending has implications but dON’T WORRY MICHAEl’S COMPLETELY FINE AND OKAY AND ALIVE)

The Squip tells Jeremy to wear an Eminem shirt, we briefly see Chloe and Brooke again, we get Jeremy being an awkward dramatic dork I love him, and there’s a song that makes your local sex repulsed ace who is also a lesbian in love with Brooke Lohst Very Mentally Confused so let’s ignore that and also its later reprise because the later reprise is just. Bad. Not musically it’s just so uncomfortable and i hate it so much so no <3 Anyway we haven’t seen Michael in a while weird haha I’m sure it’s nothing <3 Squip says Michael left the mall it must be the truth <3

Anyway we get a reprise to the song where the Squip was an emotionally abusive asshole (strong wording, but correct), and here we see ITS RIPPING INTO JEREMY FUCKING WORKED. Because the Squip repeats the “Everything about you is so terrible, everything about you makes me wanna die" thing, and Jeremy echoes, saying everything about him is so terrible, everything about him makes him wanna die (Michael was totally yelling at Jeremy “HERE IS AN ALPHEBETICAL LIST OF ALL THE REASONS YOU ARE WRONG HEY HEY CAN YOU HEAR ME” :)). The Squip’s manipulations have worked, leaving Jeremy in the perfect condition to obey its every command who wants to kill a tictac with me

(Anyway here’s an animatic of THAT song because it’s GREAT)

Anyway next day the Squip kinkshames Jeremy and decides he’s gonna do pushups (because i have boyf riends brainrot here is a headcanon related to that because them) and then we get a ballad from Christine where she talks about how there’s this guy she passes in the halls every day, and she thought she’d had him clocked but now something’s different about him, and he’s gone from a GUY THAT YOU’D NEVER BE INTO INTO A GUY THAT YOU’D KINDA BE INTO FROM A GUY THAT I’D NEVER BE INTO INTO A GUY THAT I’D KINDA BE INTO IS HE WORTH IT JEREMYYYYYYYYYYYYY I DON’T ALWAYS RELATE TO OTHER PEOPLE MY AGE EXCEPT WHEN I’M ON THE STAGE AND THERE ARE SO MANY CHANGED THAT I’M GOING THROUGH AND WHY’M I TELLING THIS TO YOU GUESS THERE’S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO (uwu) I GUESS A PART OF ME WANTS TO WHO KNEW I GUESS THAT PART OF ME WANTS TO SIT WITH YOU I GUESS THAT PART OF ME WANTS TO WHO KNEW I GUESS THAT PART OF ME LIKES TO TALK TO YOU I GUESS THAT PART OF ME LIKES TO WHOOO KNEW I GUESS THAT PART O FME LIKES TO HANG WITH YOU I GUESS THAT PART OF ME- BACK TO PLAY REHERSAL, I KNOW THAT IT’S WEIRD, BUT IT’S TOTALLY TRUE... THE GUY THAT I’D KINDA BE INTO... (that guy that you’d kinda be into) YEAH THAT GUY THAT I’D KINDA BE INTO IIIIIIIIS...

JAKE

YEAH IN A SLIGHTLY UNEXPECTED TWIST, CHRISTINE’S INTO JAKE AND NOT JEREMY. FUN.

So the Squip’s like “Aight if you wanna be with Christine you gotta reboot your reputation you gotta get an upgrade (UPGRADE) upgrade okay not yet

So the Squip makes Jeremy cry because it can automatically do that apparently, Brooke shows up and comforts Jeremy, and then we learn EMINEM IS FUCKING DEAD AND JEREMY’S LIKE “SQUIP DID DID YOU kILL EMINEM” AND IT HAS THE SAME ENERGY AS “DID YOU FUCK MY WIFE” THIS SHOW IS A COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, ANYWAY THE SQUIP DIDN’T EXACTLY KILL EMINEM, and then we get a BANGER SONG CALLED UPGRADE AND IT FUCKING SLAPS

UPGRADE IS BASICALLY JUST THE SQUIP BEING LIKE HEY JEREMY YOUR LIFE WAS SO PITIFUL BEFORE BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO GO ALL THE WAY AND MORE YOU GOTTA GET AN UPGRADE UPGRADE UPGRADE GOTTA GET AN UPGRADE UPGRADE UPGRADE DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE GUILT YOU FEEL (sus) JUST TAKE A BREATHE AND SEAL THE DEAL DAMN GOTTA GET AN UPGRAAAAAAAAAADE YOU GOTTA GET AN UPGRAAAAAAAAAAA-A-AAAADE

Anyway Jake kinda asks Christine to hang out at his place, the Squip keeps egging Jeremy on, then Jeremy’s like “OKAY THERE ARE TOO MANY VOICES IN MY HEAD RN CAN EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME THINK. INCLUDING YOU YOU FUCKIN TICTAC.” So the Squip fucks off (not for long unfortunately)

And then, for the first time in a while, we see Michael, and he’s. Kinda pissed at Jeremy, saying he’s been “avoiding him all day”. Jeremy’s confused as fuck and then realizes HE HASN’T SEEN MICHAEL SINCE THE SQUIP ACITVATED, so he’s like “HEY SQUIP WHY HAVEN’T I SEEN MICHAEL SINCE YOU SHOWED UP” and the Squip reveals it’s something called optic nerve blocking. It has control over Jeremy’s vision, so it has been blocking Michael from Jeremy. He’s a link to “Jeremy 1.0″, so if Jeremy wants to upgrade, he’s gotta make sacrifices. Squip homophobic

Michael realizes what happened - the squip worked. And god he just. Fuckin LIGHTS UP AND HE’S SO EXCITED ABOUT IT HE’S LIKE “JEREMY THAT’S AMAZING WE GOTTA TEST IT OUT WE GOTTA CELEBRATE WE GOTTA WE GOTTA GET STONED IN MY BASEMENT” AND HE’S SO EXCITED AND HAPPY WHICH MAKES WHAT HAPPENS NEXT SO VERY PAINFUL

Now Upgrade has a last verse where Jeremy makes his choice, but it was replaced with a new song in the Broadway version that I find MUCH better so I’m gonna talk about that specifically, it’s called Loser Geek Whatever, and holy shit it’s so good and heartbreaking oh my god I need to highlight specific lyrics just to show you how good it is

“It’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” and “The problem has always been me” those lyrics specifically affect me on an emotional level that I can’t explain like ow fuck I feel that so much being lonely is the worst fuckign feeling in the entire world

Alright gay people get ready for the promised Jeremy analysis

This song serves as a deeper dive into Jeremy’s mind, a stronger I-want song than More Than Survive. More Than Survive works well enough, but it doesn’t go SUPER in depth about Jeremy’s wants and motivations. More Than Survive is just... Surface-level wants. Jeremy’s surface level want and motivation is he wants to be with Christine and not get targeted by bullies and shit, and that’s shown very clearly through More Than Survive.

Meanwhile Loser Geek Whatever goes right to the root of Jeremy’s issues - he’s really fucking lonely. His self esteem is in the ground. His entire life, he’s been nothing but a failure. A weirdo. A loser. His life fucking sucks. And his mom leaving (as mentioned earlier) probably didn’t make anything better.

Something I find VERY interesting is that Jeremy thinks his instincts and his free will has made his life SUCK. So he’s giving it up for a chance - for a chance - at having something different. And that is FASCINATING to me. LIke... Jeremy’s giving up who he really is and his free will to conform to what the Squip says is best for him to be “cool.” Like that is terrifying, but... Understandable and strangely real, in a way.

Now this might just be my aromanticism and not knowing what crushes are like talking, but Jeremy’s loneliness might contribute to why he wants Christine so bad (aside from just teenage crush things).

Jeremy wants human connection. He wants more friends aside from just Michael. Michael’s amazing, but can’t really... Understand Jeremy’s loneliness. Michael absolutely ADORES being weird. He owns it, he loves it. He doesn’t (openly) care a lot about the social consequences of being weird, he's good with just vibing and having a good time playing video games with his best friend. As long as he’s got Jeremy, he’s good. 

Meanwhile, Jeremy cares a LOT about social consequences, and he kinda resents being weird. Being weird keeps him as just a forgettable blip at the bottom of the school social map. Sure, he’s free to be himself, but at what cost? Being bullied, made fun of? Being the loser? He doesn’t want that anymore. He feels forgotten, isolated, and alone. Freaking out is his okay, and it sucks. There’s a huge disconnect between Jeremy and Michael’s mindsets - Michael loves being weird, Jeremy doesn’t. Michael is patient enough to wait until collage to be cool, Jeremy isn’t.

Side note. The lyric “I’m ready, set, I’m player one” hurts specifically because it has been confirmed that. When Michael and Jeremy play video games. Michael always is Player One.

So you see where this is going.

You see what Jeremy’s choice is gonna be.

Doesn’t make it hurt any less.

NOW I’M GONNA SAY QUICKLY - UPGRADE FUCKING SLAPS, BUT THE ENTIRETY OF LGW IS, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, BETTER THAN THE LAST VERSE OF UPGRADE WHERE HE MAKES HIS CHOICE. LET ME JUST SHOW YOU THE LAST VERSE OF UPGRADE. THE ENTIRE LAST VERSE OF UPGRADE.

...Yeah it’s not as good imo. Maybe I’m biased because I saw the Broadway version first, because there are no bootlegs of the Two River recording, but I still think Loser Geek Whatever is WAY better than the end of Upgrade.

In Upgrade, Jeremy is COMPLETELY certain that yeah, he’s gonna do this no matter what. Which. SIR. YOU ARE CUTTING OFF YOUR BEST FRIEND???? YOU DON’T JUST SOUND COLD AND CERTAIN AT THAT???? And all the interesting stuff that Loser Geek Whatever talked about - Jeremy giving up his free will, Jeremy’s loneliness, Jeremy’s guilt that he brushes off because the Squip’s better at making choices for him - is BARELY talked about.

In Loser Geek Whatever, we get context to Jeremy choosing to abandon Michael. Jeremy hates feeling weird, Michael loves it. Jeremy actually thinks “If I get everything I want, am I gonna be able to act like I didn’t hurt my one real friend?" But he excuses it with the thought that all his instincts have gotten him into trouble alone, all his thoughts have made him worse, so if the Squip thinks that cutting Michael off is the best decision... Well, what’s smarter and better at making decisions? A supercomputer who knows basically everything in the entire world, or a weird, awkward, nerdy loser who’s only fucked up with every choice he’s ever made?

In Loser Geek Whatever, Jeremy’s choice comes off as something he’s not entirely certain of, but the Squip is better at making choices than he is, and the Squip’s been right all the time so far, so if it wants him to abandon Michael... That’s what’s best, right? Yes, it’s selfish, but Jeremy’s been the loser all his life and he hates it. He wants- no, needs something to change. His status quo sucks, and he can’t just wait two years for them to be cool in collage for something new. Plus... Easier to pretend it didn’t happen if he can’t see Michael. Easier to just reap the rewards if he can’t see the consequences.

Meanwhile in Upgrade, it just comes off as. A huge dick move. Which it is, it is objectively a huge dick move. But it’s a more UNDERSTANDABLE dick move that has some EXPLANATION in Loser Geek Whatever. Jeremy’s decision has NUANCE.

And ALSO this is shown REALLY WELL through just the delivery of “Optic nerve blocking on” so lemme ramble about that real quick

So Two River Jeremy was played by Will Connolly and Broadway Jeremy was played by Will Roland, they're both great in the role, but here I think that Roland’s delivery of the line was better. In Connolly’s delivery, his voice is more... Cold. There’s no real emotion behind it, just certainty. Which I’ve yelled about why that’s not a good choice. But in Roland’s delivery, Jeremy’s voice is breaking and shaky. He doesn’t sound like he wants to do it. It’s fucking heartbreaking it gets me so bad

Anyway that’s the end of Act One, I do not remember everything after this just moments that wounded my soul jdshfanjfghjdgasjcd

So there’s a Halloween party that’s in every Broadway high school there’s always a fucking Halloween party or some kinda party, it’s pretty standard, ONE THING I WILL NOTE: Rich shows up, and he’s looking for something called Mountain Dew Red. He is VERY DESPERATE to find some Mountain Dew Red. Like, HE IS CLEARLY NOT OKAY. Anyway I’m sure that will not come into play ever

Then there’s the Reprise To That Song That Makes Me Uncomfortable LET’S IGNORE THAT HAHA SQUIP GOT MESSED UP BY ALCOHOL JEREMY GOT CHASED INTO A BATHROOM AND IS HIDING SURELY NOTHING WILL GO WRONG NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO BE MORE CHILL CHARACTERS IN BATHROOMS ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE OF THEM IS WEARING A BLACK SHIRT THAT SAYS “CREEPS” WITH GREEN LETTERS HAHAHAHA ANYWAY MICHAEL’S BACK LET’S GO GAYS LET’S GET READY FOR THE MOST EMOTIONALLY CHARGED SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MUSICAL

So yeah. Michael’s back. And he’s not happy. He’s really fucking hurt and kinda pissed at Jeremy. Like, he had a whole speech in his head getting mad at Jeremy (haha i kin you michael. everyone who knows what happens next is now very concerned anyway). Jeremy’s like “damn. I missed you.” Also at one point Michael’s like “You’re speechless. Squip got your tongue?” which I just like that line a lot and also it leads to Jeremy being like “No it’s off” AND THEN MICHAEL’S LIKE “That explains why you’re talking to me” OW THIS POOR KID

So Michael talks about the Squip, and how he’s done a lot of research on it, and points out how it’s REALLY FUCKING WEIRD how there’s NOTHING ON THE INTERNET about it. Like, what’s not on the internet? (a full video bootleg of the two river cast of be more chill that’s what jdshfjhds) So eventually, Michael found a story from a dude he was playing Warcraft with, and how that guy’s brother went from a straight D student to going to Harvard. Next thing that happened to him? WELL HE’S IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL! HE “WENT NUTS”! JESUS CHRIST!

Michael starts calling out how SHADY the whole Squip thing is (Michael Mell my wonderful gaymer you helped him get the fucking squip <3 I stand by my headcanon that they’re both stupid as fuck they have one braincell between them they usually have half each Michael just has the whole braincell at this moment in time). How it’s weird how you can’t look it up on the internet, how it’s weird how it was just floating around in New Jersey... I mean, it’s an extremely advanced supercomputer. There’s so much they don’t know about it. Who made them? How did it get here? How do they know what it’s really doing to Jeremy? What it’s doing to his head?

And Jeremy really does not want to hear it. The Squip has helped him. The Squip gave him one small chance, one small bit of luck, a chance to escape the hell of being easily forgotten, at the bottom of the school hierarchy, and there’s no way he’s gonna let it go. He does not want to go back to being the loser.

He deflects, saying Michael’s just jealous, he’s just pissed Jeremy has one. You know, the universe owed him one. High school has been hell, he deserves to be able to go through life without worry. And sure, maybe some guy’s squip drove him crazy, but there is no guarantee that’ll happen to him!!

And then Michael reveals that it wasn’t the Squip that drove him crazy.

He went crazy trying to get it out.

There’s a moment of silence, before Jeremy says that he knows it won’t happen to him then, because why would he wanna remove the Squip?

Jeremy tries to leave, but Michael steps in front of him. Jeremy tells him to move. Michael asks what he’ll do if he doesn’t.

Six words later, Michael’s mental state shatters. Six words later, Jeremy is back with the partygoers. Six words later, Michael is alone.

With that, Jeremy leaves Michael in the bathroom by himself.

Leading to the BEST FUCKING SONG in the ENTIRE MUSICAL. That isn’t a controversial statement, either. Someone tells you “Yeah this song is the best in the musical” and basically everyone will agree.

Because for five minutes, the show stops, and gives Michael a GUT PUNCH OF A SONG.

Michael In The Bathroom.

There’s a VERY HIGH CHANCE you’ve at least heard of it. There are LOADS of animatics of it for basically every fandom except Omori which personally angers me but we’re not talking about that WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MICHAEL.

This song. This song gets me. It fucking shattered me and everyone who listens to it. This song takes Michael from “Best friend who got left behind” to “This POOR KID has ABANDONMENT ISSUES and has just been LEFT BEHIND and now he’s having a FUCKING MENTAL BREAKDOWN” BECAUSE YEP! THIS IS THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN SONG! And HOO BOY, is it painful. It is such an EMOTIONAL GUT-PUNCH because up to this point, Michael’s just been a chill guy who got mad at Jeremy for leaving him behind for popularity and an evil tictac, and then the show gives him a fucking I-want song where he completely breaks down and at one point has a sensory overload and then breaks down sobbing and wishes he’d never been born and it fucking hURTS and I just I HAVE TO SHOW YOU THE LYRICS IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN UNDERSTAND

FUCK

FUCK

To get a bit personal (skip over this paragraph if you don’t wanna read a mini-vent (/nm if you do)): I thought I related to “being lonely’s stupid tough” in Loser Geek Whatever, but then MITB comes on and the second line is “I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody’d even notice at all” and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut with how much that fucking called me out. It’s part of the reason I personally ADORE this song - because I can’t think of any other songs that have captured my emotions so well. I mean, obviously I haven’t had a friend get a supercomputer implanted in their brain and they started getting more popular and they literally blocked me from their vision so I tried confronting them with my worries and they ignored my concerns and called me a loser and left me behind to have a mental breakdown, but. A lot of times, I do feel really lonely, even when talking to my friends. I feel replaceable and forgettable, like I could be removed from the situation, removed from the group, hell, removed from the world, and no one would notice. No one would care. They’d just continue on with their lives like nothing happened. Like I never existed. And I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m sure that basically everyone has somewhat related to this song at some point.

OKAY TIME FOR ANALYSIS. WELCOME TO MY THERAPY SESSION /HJ

So before we begin, there’s something very cool in the first line that I like, and I’m probably reaching, but here we go: Michael feeling like he could disappear, and no one would notice... KINDA PARALLELS JEREMY.

So in More Than Survive, there are the lyrics “I don’t want to be a hero/Just want to stay in the line”, “I navigate the dangerous hall/Focus on a poster there on the wall/Avoiding any eye contact at all/And trying hard to remain unseen”, and “I’m never gonna be the cool guy/I’m more the one who’s left out/Of all the characters at school/I am not the one who the story’s about”. Just a general theme of feeling forgettable that’s furthered by the Squip Song, where Rich says that on the school social map, Jeremy is “just a blip.” In Be More Chill Part 2, the Squip says “You won’t feel left out or unsure”. Bringing this to Loser Geek Whatever, there’s the lyrics “Think I felt inconsequential/Since middle school began/I knew I had no potential/To be the leading man” and “If Brooke can look me in the eye/Like I’m some normal, handsome guy”. And the themes in LGW of Jeremy being lonely adds to the vibes that Jeremy feels like he could be forgotten and no one would care. And right in this song, Michael says “I could stay right here or disappear/And nobody’d even notice at all”.

These parallels are very interesting. It shows that Michael and Jeremy have the same worst fear - being overlooked, forgotten, isolated, alone. It’s just that Jeremy’s scared of being forgotten by society at large, and Michael’s scared of being forgotten by Jeremy. And Jeremy fights to not feel like that. He fights to not be a blip at the bottom of the school social map. But in doing so, he leaves Michael behind. In his fight to not feel forgotten and isolated and alone, Jeremy feels he must make his best friend feel forgotten and isolated and alone, and that is FASCINATING. Like... BMC’s writing can be weak in places, but in this song (well basically all the scenes with Michael, but this song especially), it fucking hits and it hits hard.

Now moving on to the rest of the song, because that was all from the first two fucking lines.

So, one thing I get from this song is that Michael does not talk about his feelings. At least, not around people. This was shown in Two Player Game (”will you be too cool for... for video games?”), and it’s leaned into more here. “I’ll wait as long as I need, until my face is dry/Or I’ll just blame it on weed or something in my eye.” Hell, even Michael only breaking down in the bathroom, in a private place where no one can see, supports this.

Now for Michael’s sensory overload (the knock-knock-knock-knock part). I love that part so much, and not because it’s stimmy like how I react to most of the little parts of songs I love, but because it feels realistic to me. Feeling like everything’s too loud, too overwhelming, too fast. It’s an awful feeling, and this song captures it perfectly I feel so seen by this song

The way I see the “But I can’t hear knocking anymore” line is that there genuinely was someone knocking and they left, though some people thing it was a hallucination. But whether the knocking was real or not doesn’t really matter. What matters is how Michael interpreted it stopping. And I think that in his wrecked mental state, Michael would interpret someone leaving as “They don’t care. No one cares.” 

Is it logical? Absolutely not. But as someone with anxiety, jealousy, and really bad confirmation bias when it comes to what people think of me, I can easily say that when you’re mentally overloaded with pain and loneliness, logic kinda goes out the window. Confirmation bias can be a bitch, especially when it’s confirmation bias for “Everyone hates me actually.”

Michael’s longing for the past is another very relatable thing. I’m pretty sure everyone is nostalgic for some better time. We’re nostalgic for being able to go outside without needing to wear a mask. We’re nostalgic for being able to talk to our friends face-to-face. We’re nostalgic for fandoms that once burned bright that are now just embers. We’re nostalgic for talking with friends we’ve drifted apart from, laughing and joking and enjoying each others company. We yearn for those times when we felt really, truly happy and content, times that we desperately wish would come back, because we want to recapture that feeling.

God, there’s something for everyone in this song. Something anyone can relate to, because this song is, at its core, about loneliness, and as sad as it is to say, loneliness is a common denominator among every human.

If you haven’t listened to the song and you’re wondering why “And there’s no denying, I’m just-” was cut off. IT WAS BECAUSE MICHAEL BROKE DOWN CRYING. SOMEONE GET HIM THERAPY PLEASE OH MY GOD I JUST WANNA HUG HIM

(A quick note: in More Than Survive Reprise, Jeremy says “All in all, a not too heinous day”. The word choice is interesting, because here, Michael says “This is a heinous night”. Continuing with the parallels - as Jeremy becomes “cool,” Michael’s mental state declines.)

And then the song starts building again, starting with Michael wishing he’d fucking KILLED HIMSELF, and then he fucking completely breaks down, hating himself for everything. For coming to the party. For not just staying home. For being seen as just a stoner. For having no one who knows who he really is. Because no one does know who he is, and they don’t care, either. The only person who knew him, really knew him, was Jeremy, and he’s stabbed him in the back and left him behind. He’s just a fucking loser, all alone, crying in the bathroom, and is there a sadder sight than that?

The way the song ends, along with the line “Michael who you don’t know” in every chorus reinforces that Jeremy was really the only person who knew Michael. He knew all Michael’s interests, he loved playing video games with him, he lit up when he saw him in More Than Survive, he was genuinely disappointed when the Squip said Michael left the mall without him, he picked up on Michael’s worries in Two Player Game and comforted him, he wanted both of them to go buy the Squip together, hell, before he took the Squip, he offered to split the Squip between them. Jeremy was literally the only person at school who really knew and genuinely cared about Michael.

But everyone else?

All you know about him is his name.

(also it’s my personal headcanon that brooke came in sobbing because she got cheated on again (don’t ask) and she and michael vented to each other about how they’re been fucked over by this one specific guy because they should be friends)

Anyway that was the most emotional scene in the entire fucking show, if they’d had cut it out for pacing the show would have been so much worse, it elevated Michael from “I would die for you” to “*slaps roof on michael* YOU CAN FIT SO MUCH ANGST IN THIS KID *sobbing*”, it’s definitely part of why he’s such a fan favorite, it makes him more relatable with all the elements of loneliness, it’s incredible, it’s amazing, please listen to this fucking song

So as much as I’d love to cry over Michael forever, we gotta get to the happy ending so let’s cut back to the main character

Jeremy talks to Christine and they make weird noises together and it’s so fucking cute they’re such neurodivergent dorks, Rich is still looking for Mountain Dew Red, Jeremy asks Christine out and she’s like “Tbh I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship until I know who I am” which SO VALID QUEEN, Squip turns back on and tells Jeremy HE NEEDS TO LEAVE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, and then the next thing that happens is arson.

So we get a banger of a song called Smartphone Hour that is very stim. So in it, local gossip Jenna Rolan tells Chloe (who. tried to. uh. sleep with jeremy. thus jeremy and brooke broke up because the squip kinda made jeremy date brooke to get popular which was a major dick move i know i brushed over this let’s ignore that i’m too ace for this bullshit) at the party last night, Rich was acting very not okay. Chloe’s like “Damn, Rich really shouldn’t get so high he’s too short for that” (NO ONE LETS RICH FORGET HE’S SHORT DJHFSHFDS) and Jenna’s like “CHLOE. RICH WASN’T DRUNK. I HEARD FROM THIS GUY THAT HE DIDN’T HAVE A FUCKIN DROP OF ALCOHOL. SO OF FULL SOBER MIND... YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HE DID... YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW.... HERE YOU GO THEN *beat drop* RICH SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE WOAAHHH RICH SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE WOAAH I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING EVERYBODY WAS SCREAMING WHEN RICH SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUSE WHEN RICH SET A FIRE AND HE BURNED DOWN THE HOUUUSE”

The news of Rich spreads like wildfire, pun intended. People start acting like they knew Rich and they feel so bad for him, and Be More Chill says enby rights.

Honestly, I really love this song. Yeah, the lyrics are a bit on the nose, but it’s fun as hell and very stim and I like it a lot.

Meanwhile, Jeremy is really starting to question the Squip. Michael’s words clearly stuck in his mind. He asks why the Squip is here. It could be inside presidents, world leaders, and it’s in some high school student? Why? What does it have to gain? Squip’s like “Bro it’s my goal to help you and improve your life” and Jeremy’s like “OH WELL THAT’S WORKED OUT SPLENDID! MY BEST FRIEND HATES ME! I HURT BROOKE! CHRISTINE ISN’T INTO ME!”

AND THEN WE GET A FUCKING INCREDIBLE VILLAIN SONG CALLED THE PITIFUL CHILDREN WHERE THE SQUIP IS LIKE “DUDE I’VE HELPED YOU SO MUCH BY SHOCKING YOU WHEN YOU SLOUCH OR DISOBEY ME, BUT IF YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS, WE NEED TO SYNC UP WITH THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. WE NEED TO HELP THEM ALL YOUR PEERS ARE JUST SO INCOMPLEEEETE YOU CAN’T SEE IT BUT THEY’RE ALL IN PAAAAIN THEIR OPERATING SYSTEM’S OBSOLEEEETE SO LET’S COMPLETE THE CHAINS AND GET INSIDE THOSE BRAINS LET’S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN WOOOOAAAHHH LET’S SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN WOAAAAAHHHH LET’S TEACH THE PITIFUL CHILDREN WHO HAVEN’T A CLUE JUST WHAT TO DOOOOO HEELP THEM TO HEEEELP YOU” GOD WHY DO ALL THE SONGS IN THIS sHOW SLAP SO HARD AND THIS SONG HAS THE SQUIP MAKING ROBOT NOISES AND IT’S AMAZING

Anyway in this song Jenna gets squipped and we learn that she wants people to be as interested in her life as she is in theirs and no one is and that hurts god I feel you queen, also Rich somehow got enough Squips for the ENTIRE SCHOOL. SO YEAH. NOT HARD TO GUESS WHAT THE SQUIP WANTS. If everyone is squipped, they can all follow orders, Jeremy gets his dreams. It would be a good plan if it weren’t so fUCKEd UP AND EVIL

(so I should mention there’s been a subplot of a play)

We cut to Jeremy’s house and Jeremy has an argument with his dad, who is very understandably concerned about him. Jeremy’s acting VERY different, and it’s worrying him. Jeremy blows up at him for not acting like a dad since their mom left, just “waiting around for mom to get back.” Get therapy

Jeremy’s dad then proves himself to be very cool by realizing that him just wallowing in depression and not being an actual dad has been hurting his son, so he’s going to pull himself out of it, put on his fucking pants (don’t ask), and he’s gonna actually help his fucking son and this song is deadass called the Pants Song and it has no right to slap so hard

We cut to MIchael and he’s burning a bunch of mementos from his and Jeremy’s friendship, AND THEN JEREMY’S DAD SHOWS UP AND DEADASS ASKS MICHAEL “DO YOU LOVE HIM.” MICHAEL DOES NOT ANSWER, HE’S JUST LIKE “😳 what”. HE IS HAVING A REALIZATION. LESS THAN A MINUTE LATER IS THE LYRIC “BUT I’M NOT WHAT HE WANTS” “BUT YOU’RE JUST WHAT HE NEEDS” THIS ISN’T A FUCKING JOKE THIS HAPPENS

MICHAEL

Every day we stray further and further from Michael heterosexuality this is a good thing

Anyway Michael agrees that you know what? If he’s gonna try harder to be Jeremy’s friend (michael. michael.) then Jeremy’s dad has to try harder to be Jeremy’s dad and they both resolve to be better for Jeremy and it’s beautiful and amazing and I love it

Anyway the play subplot I’ve brushed over is happening and rapidly colliding with the main plot. So basically it’s Midsummer Night’s Dream with zombies and it’s amazing. Anyway Jeremy shows up and goes to Christine is like “Hey hey Christine, you know how you weren’t gonna date anyone because you needed to figure out who you were? And you know how you love play rehersal because you know what comes next and you know what to do? WELL, what if you knew who you were? What if it was like play rehersal all the time? All you need to do is take this thing from Japan and you’ll know who you are!”

In the bootleg I watched Christine KNEW what a Squip was because it hurt someone she cared about and I think that was an EXCELLENT choice and wasn’t in the og apparently and whoever added Christine knowing about the Squip was a genius but that’s irrelevant. The important thing is that she’s like “That sounds awful??? I wanna figure myself out without the help of some fuckin pill???” and there’s this FANTASTIC moment where Jeremy says the Squip will help Christine be better, and Christine asks “What’s wrong with me now?” IT’S GREAT I LOVE THIS SHOW

Anyway Christine exits, and Jeremy’s like “SHE’S RIGHT, I CAN’T DO THIS, WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE SQUIPS” but remember how Jenna was squpped? Yeah, Jeremy’s two braincells function for a minute and he’s like “WAIT A MINUTE. THE SQUIP SINGING ABOUT HOW WE’RE GONNA 'SAVE THE PITIFUL CHILDREN’ AND ‘GET INSIDE THOSE BRAINS’ AND HAVING A WHOLE SHOEBOX FULL OF SQUIPS. PROBABLY MEANT THE SQUIP IS GONNA GIVE THE WHOLE SCHOOL A SQUIP. WELL THAT AIN’T GOOD.”

Anyway the Squip’s gone full evil AI, we learn the drama teacher who has one of the best lines in the musical (”WE WILL NOW TAKE A FIVE MINUTE BREAK. SO THAT I CAN EAT A HOT POCKET.”) has been squipped, Jeremy’s like “ALCOHOL MESSED YOU UP I’LL GET DRUNK” and the Squip’s like “LMAO YOU CAN’T BE DRUNK FOREVER” then Jeremy remembers how desperate Rich was to find Mountain Dew Red and was like “WAIT WHAT IF THAT SQUIPS WHAT IF THAT TURNS OFF THE SQUIP” and the Squip is like “DUH??? WHY DO YOU THINK IT WAS DISCONTINUED??? AND THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN GET IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE LIKE A FUCKIN TIME MACHINE” and Jeremy’s like “HA JOKES ON YOU MY BOYF RIEND IS NEURODIVERGENT AND LOVES COLLECTING 90S SOFT DRINKS <3” and then Squip’s like “HA TOO BAD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYF RIEND” Squip homophobic everything’s going wrong the Squip’s voice is distorted Brooke and Chloe are both Squipped Jeremy tried calling Michael but is currently fighting for control of his body all hope is lost AND THEN IN THE NICK OF TIME

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU SQUIP LOVE WINS THE BOYF IS HERE

SO MICHAEL HAS SHOWED UP TO SAVE HIS BOYF HE WAS IN THE AUDIENCE LIKE “WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS TOO DAMN GOOD FOR A SCHOOL PLAY THEY’VE ALL BEEN SQUIPPED HAVEN’T THEY” AND JEREMY WHO WAS SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM ALREADY IS LIKE “YOU CAME TO SEE ME IN THE SCHOOL PLAY? 🥹” WHICH IS SO GAY THEY WERE IN LOVE AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE AND MICHAEL’S LIKE “YEP AND I EVEN BROUGHT MOUNTAIN DEW RED”

So Michael’s like “AIGHT. I HAVE MOUNTAIN DEW RED. BUT I NEED AN APOLOGY FOR YOU KNOW, ABANDONING ME” and Jeremy’s like “MICHAEL I LOV EYOU BUT THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END” and Michael’s like “JEREMY YOU FUCKING ABANDONED ME AND I HAD A PANIC ATTACK IN THE BATHROOM I KINDA NEED AN APOLOGY BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MAD???”

So Jeremy’s about to apologize but Squip homophobic and blocks Jeremy’s vocal chords so he can’t say it AND THEN MAKES HIM FIGHT MICHAEL AND MICHAEL REVEALS HE DOES CARE ABOUT POPULARITY HE JUST KNOWS IT WON’T HAPPEN SO HE JUST VIBES WHICH ME TOO KING I KNOW I HAVE NO CHANCE SO I AM JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME WHICH I DON’T MOST OF THE TIME BUT TRUST ME WERE I NOT NERFED BY DEPRESSION I WOULD BE A GOD

So Jeremy fights the Squip for control like crazy, apologizes (HE SHOULD HAVE BROKEN DOWN RAMBLING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE’D FUCKED UP AND MICHAEL SHOULD HAVE CUT HIM OFF BY RUNNING AT HIM AND HUGGING HIM WE COULD’VE HAD IT ALL), Jake gets squipped and he’s like “LIVIN THE UPGRADE UPGRADE GOD I LOVE ME” which I feel that because occasionally I feel like I could kill god but none of that matters in my brain because Michael is holding Jeremy

Your honor they are in love

Anyway Chloe and Brooke show up, and Jeremy realizes that there’s a few drops of Mountain Dew Red left, and there’s a rEPRISE OF TWO PLAYER GAME AS THEY SNEAK ACROSS THE ROOM AND GET THE MDR THEY ARE IN LOVE

Jenna Rolan shows up (the script refers to her as the final boss which is just funny), Michael gets dragged away by the Squip zombies, Squip stops Jeremy from drinking the MDR, and then Christine shows up and AH FUCK SHE’S SQUIPPED AND IS IN LOVE WITH JEREMY NOW APPARENTLY

So upon seeing this, upon seeing that technically, he’s gotten what he originally wanted, Jeremy’s like “KNOW WHAT. FUCK IT.” and gives Christine the Mountain Dew Red, under the assumption that it’s gonna free her and her alone.

BOY IS HE WRONG! Christine takes the MDR and everyone starts screaming. Christine starts screaming, Jake starts screaming, Jenna starts screaming, Michael starts screaming but out of having no fucking clue what is going on, Jeremy starts screaming, there are a lot of J names in this show and I just noticed that, and somehwere Rich probably starts screaming as well. So anyway everyone who was Squipped passes out, and the Squip fuckimgn dies it’s great.

Anyway Jeremy wakes up in a hospital bed. Rich is in the same room, and describes losing the Squip as feeling like you “lost a piece of yourself.” Rich is thrilled that the Squip is gone. He then has an epiphany and realized he’s bisexual WOAH HE’S BISEXUAL I DIDN’T KNOW THAT

Anyway Michael shows up, Jeremy’s dad shows up, and there’s this song that means so much to me personally called “Voices In My Head” and it’s about how yeah you’ve all got voices in your head but you can’t listen to them you just gotta listen to yours, also Jeremy and Christine go out and I’m not mad about it because they’re honestly adorable fjdshfhds, there’s a hint the Squip is still in the back of Jeremy’s mind just with no control, and the musical ends

So yeah that’s the show, it’s so fucking fun, the writing isn’t great sometimes (the ending of the show is the weakest part), but I still like it a lot! The songs slap, the characters are great, I’ve had several mental breakdowns to Michael in The Bathroom because it’s a fantastic mental breakdown song highly recommend questioning everything about your friendships and self while it plays in the background as you sing along probably wrecking your throat slightly until you have every word memorized, and BMC is just fun as hell and has a lot of potential for angst fics. So yeah, go find bootlegs of it on YouTube, there’s also some bootlegs linked here and also this is just seratonin and makes my soul happy (don’t worry it’s completely sfw), here are two posts talking about the musical but shorter and more accurate, have fun, scroll through my BMC tag, please join the fandom I’m lonely

Uhhhh take my favorite BMC comic okay byee

Also Jeremy and Michael are in love

[bellesowl]

head over heels

- multiple characters

⤷ kuroo, iwaizumi, atsumu, sakusa 

genre: fluff!! ; established relationship

synopsis: in which they realize how head over heels they are for you

word count: 1.4k total :))

warnings: very very slight manga spoilers in iwa’s, i kinda curse a little

- a/n: hi! this is very very late for valentines but i wanted to post it anyways! also, this is very cheesy but when is anything i write not cheesy anyways? & please, i literally write for the same four people BYEE. oh & thank u @omisluvr for beta-ing this ily mwah

- kuroo tetsurou

he falls for your quick wit & intelligence 

we all know that kuroo is known for his wit and for being a big, big nerd LMAOAKJSC 

i think he would appreciate a s/o who’s on his level academically & could compete with him, esp cause he’s so competitive

and we know how quick with his words this man is- it’s probably one of the reasons tsukishima actually listens to this mf tbh

i feel like he would want a s/o who could bite back and put him in his place every once in a while

probably finds it super hot 

“tetsurou!” you yell, glaring at him. 

he raises his hands in alarm, amusement and mischief swimming in his eyes. he had embarrassed you in front of the whole class, immediately correcting you when you claimed that the reaction on the board was an endothermic reaction when in reality, it was an exothermic reaction. sure, he was right, but he didn’t have to point it out like that!

“what?” he questions, “it’s not my fault you lacked docosapentaenoic acid when you were a child.” he finishes with a smug smirk on his face. 

the scowl on your face morphs into a smirk at his words and his own falls at your face. “i think you mean docosahexaenoic acid, oh wise one?” you ask, sarcasm dripping from your tone.

he recovers quickly, yelling about how easy it is to mistake the two. at your laugh, he realizes just how lucky he and whipped he is for you because this? he wouldn’t trade this for the world.

- iwaizumi hajime 

he falls for your independence 

lord knows that having to deal with oikawa practically all his life + the seijoh third years, my man would not be able to deal with a s/o who is super dependent on him

sure, he finds it cute when you’re being clingy & want a hug or a kiss but someone who constantly insecure or is just overall emotionally dependent on him - i feel like it would be a slight turnoff 

now, if you feel insecure, tell him because he would also def appreciate your honesty and that wouldn’t necessarily be seen as a problem

it becomes a problem when you push all your problems onto him and expect him to fix it

but a s/o who can work out their problems on their own but still comes to him for advice and support?

yeah, he’s def in love

you hear a knock on your door and quickly move to open it, hoping it’s who you think it is.

“hey love,” hajime sighs as you usher him into your home, “i’m so sorry i’ve been so busy lately, with volleyball and all the extra applications to be able to move to the states, it’s been a lot.”

you nod, understanding written on your face. “don’t worry about it babe, i get it! do you need any help with anything?”

he shakes his head, instead choosing to wrap his arms around you, nuzzling his nose in your hair and breathing in your intoxicating scent. “being with you is enough. i really am sorry though, did you need anything?”

you shift slightly, guiding him over to the couch and cuddling up to him there, “all i need is this, hajime.”

he kisses the top of your head and while you both talk about everything and nothing, and it hits him that this is it. you’re it for him - because when he’s with you, he feels like he’s home.

- miya atsumu 

he falls for your unrelenting support

i think we all know that atsumu was left out a lot as a kid & i think that one of his biggest fears is that his loving s/o secretly prefers his brother like everyone else

so he probably tries to scare you off by showing his ugly side first- like constantly arguing with you or canceling dates in favor of an extra hour or two of volleyball practice- and you stay? 

he realizes that no matter what, you won’t leave him

“oi! what are ya still doin’ here, slug?” osamu yells, walking into the gym.

“what do ya think? havin’ a tea party?” atsumu quips back, annoyed that his brother interrupted his practice. 

osamu grabs a ball by his feet and chucks it at his brother. “do ya even know what time it is?” at atsumu’s look of confusion he decides that you’re too good for his idiot brother. “it’s already past 8, you’re late for yer movie date with y/n.”

atsumu’s eyes widen and osamu rolls his eyes at his brother’s frantic form, trying to clean up and get out of there as quickly as he can. “just go, i’ll stay to clean up.” osamu sighs, “but you owe me onigiri for a week!” 

back at your house, you’re sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for your boyfriend- who’s late, again. you jump at the frantic knocks at your front door and you open it to a very sweaty, very disheveled atsumu. 

“shit sorry babe! i left my phone on the bleachers and lost track of time but-” you cut him off with a kiss. his eyes widen before fluttering shut. 

“go shower, tsumu- you stink!” you laugh at his scowl “we can probably still get a couple movies in before my parents get back home.” 

he nods, “i really am sorry babe. i didn’t mean to come late, i just got so caught up in my serves and sets and i-”

“it’s fine love, you have to practice to get better, i understand. i would never tell you to skip out on something so important to you when you make sure to come see me in the end anyway.” you interrupt him, “and besides, i love to brag about how my boyfriend is one of the best setters in the nation” you add with a wink. 

he gives you a peck on the cheek before heading towards your bathroom, thinking about how lucky he is to have you by his side. he decides that this will be the last time he’s late because god forbid he does something to ruin something as precious as this. 

- sakusa kiyoomi

he falls for your respectful and understanding attitude

my poor baby

probably had to deal with getting so much shit for his germophobic preferences 

so when you guys started dating he def asked you to respect his boundaries 

and when you did without questioning him?? or making fun of him?? 

he was shocked because even his own cousin would have something to say about his proclivity for extreme cleanliness

you walk into the huge stadium, eyes searching for a mop of black hair, slightly terrified of getting lost. out of the corner of your eye, you see a flash of neon green & yellow.

“komori!” you yell, hoping he could hear you over the excited chatter all around. you see him whip his head around, trying to find the source of the sound. you yell a couple more times, jumping up and down like a lunatic. he finally spots you and smiles, walking over.

“oh, hey! are you here for kiyoomi?” he asks with a mischievous glint in his eyes, already leading you over to where your boyfriend is, “but i have no clue why you would look for him in the middle of the floor. don’t you know your boyfriend by now?”

you slap him lightly on the arm but excuse yourself when you see your boyfriend hiding in the corner with the most hateful glare on his face. as you walk away and towards him, you notice komori walking over to a tall, dark-haired boy. that must be the setter omi was telling me about, you think. you brush it off, deciding you’d bring it up another time and you tap your boyfriend lightly. the glare he gives you almost makes you want to drop dead right there but you notice how his eyes soften and his overall demeanor brightens.

he pulls you towards him, surprising you and everyone watching, and mumbles into your ear, “i thought you had a tutoring session?”

you pull back slightly and notice how he leans down, practically asking for a kiss. you peck his cheek before giggling, “i wanted it to be a surprise! are you surprised? did you miss me?”

he rolls his eyes before pulling down his mask and kissing you properly. “yes and ... yes” he answers, a light blush apparent on his cheeks.

“awwww! you have a crush on me!!! no, you looove me!! that’s so embarrassing!!” you laugh and he shakes his head but silently agrees because yeah, if the permanent butterflies and erratic heartbeat are any indications, he does love you. and he doesn’t plan on stopping for the rest of your lives.

[yarbz]

cowardly game of rival — n.jaemin ( f )

synopsis!

 ━ as the girl’s football team captain, you were used to the endless derogatory taunts, the wolf-whistling, the attempts at romance being boys telling you what they thought of barcelona’s starting XII. na jaemin fell into all those catergories, a detestable flea in your hair. as sworn enemies, there was not even an inkling of romance, and you were convinced that your attraction to him was ONLY physical. weren’t you?

pairing ━ na jaemin x female!reader

word count ━ 6k

genres ━ fluff, rival!au, football!au, comedy, romance, very little of the football game is described in detail.

warnings ━ profanity, football terms, dirty jokes, y/n and jaemin are literally just cowards

( author's note! )

this one came to mind when i thought of how i love female footballers and decided that jaemin would be the idiot in question to chicken out of confessing to their crush by being an ass instead. i really hope you like it !! other notes are sissoko is the name of like three different players and a cracker is slang for a really good goal.

Football.

A sport of creatively insane wits, fancy footwork and incoherent celebrations. Those were all the things you loved about it, along with the ridiculously cute uniform.

It provided you an escape from the man's world, a chance to carve out your own story, free from the shackles of stereotypes. At least, that's what you'd initially thought.

Unfortunately, the boy's football team made it their sole objective in life to demean you. As captain, you took on the strenuous task of refusing to resort to physical violence when a stupid comment about your short length was made or when boys assumed you couldn't tell your Sissoko's apart (you could, quite well actually).

You had taken it as a sign of war, and refused to comment on their pathetic sneers. You did, however, feel as if Na Jaemin made a blood pact or something to be a parasite towards you.

He stood at the cusp of six foot, towering over you like an evergreen beanstalk, cheshire-cat like smile taunting you. Chocolate colour tresses fell over his eyes in straight lines, shielding his forehead.

It's not like you paid attention to his visage, but even you had to admit in your spite that he was attractive. And horribly so.

Today started like every other, going to your locker before heading to your homeroom. Luckily, you'd managed to get there before the freshmen started to pile in. Being a senior had its positives along with its various faults, one of them being the early access you got to the school.

You jammed your key in the lock, flinging open the locker door, making quick work of exchanging your books. In your fast-paced stupor, you didn't notice the figure leaning behind the door. You slammed the door shut, nail catching an patch of skin, scraping it.

"If you wanted me to leave, you could've been less catty." The voice wheedled, throwing a withering glare in your direction. You rolled your eyes, annoyed, arms crossed across your chest.

"Jaemin." You sighed, rubbing your temples. "Why are you hiding behind my locker? Are you looking for a death wish?"

He sat up slowly, soothing his reddening nose, suddenly regaining his smile as he leaned closer towards your face. "If I was looking for a death wish, I'd eat whatever food you just stuffed in there."

"Fuck off. Don't see you making any gourmet meals."

"I'm the gourmet meal." He slithered, breath fanning your nose. From this distance, you could see the wonder swimming within his eyes, breath caught in your throat.

Damn, he was too fine.

You tore your gaze from his eyes, "And yet, I don't feel inclined to taste it." He jumped back in surprise, eyes widening, giving you an opening to dash. Chuffed that you left him speechless, you walked towards your next class, resisting the urge to turn back to revel in his awe-struck face.

Jaemin's eyebrow quirked in curiosity, crooked smirk hanging from his lips. He watched you stalk away, cursing underneath his breath softly. You carried a fiery aura around you, burning him with every snarky remark — even though it beat him bruised ghastly lavenders, he could bear to play with fire if it meant you would pay him attention.

You see, Jaemin did not hate you as per say. The 'hate' which you believed in was merely his inability to profess his affections towards you. For lack of a better word, he was a coward.

A dashingly handsome one, but a fragile, chicken-legged coward all the same.

You'd made it to class in record time, ego bared boldly on your shoulders, attracting the curious eyes of your best friends Yangyang and Donghyuck. Both were terrorists in their own right, but you couldn't help loving them all the same. Sure, they came as a dreadful pair, but love had decided to shackle your heart to them.

"What's got you so happy? Jaemin finally drop dead?" Yangyang joked, shifting to make space for you. Headband strapped to the pinnacle of his forehead, he grinned at you from beneath the base of stretchy ebony material.

"No..not yet." You hummed, sad lilt to your tone.

"Awh, didn't kill him yet?" Donghyuck teased, nudging Yangyang in their laughter. "I think it must be love stopping you from committing the crime yourself." You shoved both, peals of laughter tickling your throat at their whines of pain.

"If you don't shut up, I'll be killing you two instead, never mind Jaemin." You snapped. "Love is what I feel when I score a cracker from the halfway line. Seeing Jaemin makes me want to jump out of the nearest window."

"Are you sure it's not just unresolved sexual tension? I, too get antsy when I haven't jacked off—"

"Finish that sentence and you'll have no arms."

"I'm flexible enough to suck myself off." Yangyang mused, "You'll never stop my libido."

"You're disgusting." You and Donghyuck said in sync, swatting his grabby hands from flying at your shoulders. Quite frankly, you didn't want to hear about his freakishly boneless limbs, or his untameable sex drive, nor hear anything about his genitals at all.

"Does that count as self—"

"Yes, it does. Please don't be telling people that I'm your friend, or that you can do that. It's not a little icebreaker."

Friendship with these two had crossed all sorts of personal boundaries you didn't know existed, and it was starting to decompose you, like a rotting piece of cabbage infested by slugs, yet still hanging on for the glimpse of sunlight to regenerate.

Okay, so you were being dramatic. But, that didn't explain their dire need to over share certain aspects of their lives with you.

"Doesn't change the topic at hand —Did you get my pun?" He asked, looking for Donghyuck's reaction.

"I did. Not going to comment on it before she breaks my arms. Just know I enjoyed it very much."

"If I wanted to mess around with Jaemin, I'd put my hand in a beehive. It'd sting less." You snarled, slamming down your books. They winced comically, faces alert as the teacher walked into the class.

Apart from football, you enjoyed learning — how to make things, break things, self defense, people skills, and education fell not too far from that. Classes like biology interested you greatly, which is why you found yourself fully immersed in the process of respiration.

Your mind drifted for a second, thinking back to what he'd said. Was it actually sexual tension? Did you actually bare an emotion other than loathing towards him? Then, you thought of that face and how you'd want to do nothing more than break his pretty little nose—

Yeah. There it was. You were normal after all.

School had come to her daily dreadful end, and you were happily striding into the ladies' changing rooms for football training. Nobody had gotten here yet, luckily.

You glanced over into the full body mirror, tugging at your shorts until they fell just above the bump of your knee, pulling your sock midway at your calf. Lean abs shone underneath the dim light, and you proudly paraded around the room, happy to be alone.

A knock on the door came, and you swung the door open with a feverish excitement. "Who is it?"

"Didn't take me as a bra kinda girl. Was thinking more spandex or a binder." Jaemin seethed, hands on hips, azure jersey hanging off his lithe frame.

"You're insufferable. Why are you here?" You groaned, choosing to ignore his taunt at your breast size. His eyes crinkled into upside down crescents, wandering lower to the dip of your frilly black bra.

"To see my favourite girl, of course." He whistled, eyes still glued to your unmarked expanse of skin. "I think those need a new owner." He pointed towards your chest.

"Preferably one whose face I can stand to look at."

"I'm roaring with laughter." You snarked, voice dripping with sarcasm, making no attempt to cover yourself up. Jaemin was still staring, face flushed a flaming cerise. "You gonna keep staring or are you gonna leave me alone?"

"I'm not staring. Why are you staring at me?" He shot defensively. Your eyes narrowed at him, watching his cheeks darken with every lingering stare.

"You're in the girl's changing room, drooling over two lumps of fat on the body of a girl that you hate. The real inquisition here is your lack of sensibility to stop thirsting after anything with a vagina."

Jaemin stayed silent, eyes boring holes into your full lips, tongue instinctively darting out to wet his own nimble, chapped ones. Rolling your eyes, you lead him to the door, hand clasped against the door handle.

Then, you heard loud footsteps approaching the room, incoherent rambling increasing in clarity. You began to conjure up a plan, wondering how on Earth you'd be able to kick Jaemin out without the girls knowing.

With the shouts of the team gradually getting closer, you panicked, chucking Jaemin into a locker.

"Fine, I'll leave! Lemme out!" He squirmed, trying to come out of the metal confines.

"You can't leave now, they're literally outside. Do you want to be stomped to death by Nike Mercurials?" You hissed, closing the door over, much to his protests.

"Don't wanna die with the last image being your breasts."

"If you survive this, I'll gladly provide you a new image."

He shut up at that, and you straightened, reaching for your jersey in a false calmness. The girls burst in, squeals of various greetings being thrown across the room.

You smiled gently at them, encouraging them to get changed, joining in to laugh at their jokes. The topic kept shifting from manicures to new boots before finally settling on Na Jaemin.

"Cap'n, what's going on with you and Jaemin?" One of the girls asked, batting her eyelashes softly. "A boy on the football team told me that you guys are dating."

Dating..that devil? A sin punishable by death! You repelled all instinct to shudder in disgust, instead choosing to maintain a neutral expression.

"I am absolutely not dating Na Jaemin. He's a despicable little mongrel and I'd rather eat my shoe—"

"Mon bébé chérie, why do you curse me like this?" Jaemin squeezed from the locker, voice like a wounded puppy.

"Did you hear that? I think it was—"

"No! It's my Jaemin impression. Isn't it so good?" You spluttered, voice rising in volume. You were sure that your face was a painful beetroot, breathing crazily as you over-exerted yourself.

"Cap'n, it was so good I almost thought Jaemin was in here with us!" She gushed, hands clasped. "You guys would be so cute together. Even if you don't like him, I think he most definitely has feelings for you."

The rest of the girls joined in at this, shouts of 'you should take a chance!' resounding in the hollow room. You'd already ruled out that as a possibility, chalking it down to his uncontrollable thirst for being a pest. Na Jaemin was your rival, the utter bane of your existence, a rodent that fed on robbing your spirits dry of any positivity.

"He'll get a chance when pigs fly." You muttered, noticing their eyes staring at you inquisitively, as if they knew something you didn't. Awkwardly, you smiled at the girls, ushering them towards the door, scanning the hallway after the last one had skipped out.

Jaemin untangled himself from the locker, straightening his limbs, pulling at his calves in a stretch. You peered over your shoulder, frown deepening at him.

"Did you mean what you said?" Jaemin breathed, walking into your personal bubble. He was way too close. His breath tickled your forehead, eyes dark with something you couldn't decipher.

He felt his heart pound against his chest, resisting the urge to pick the stray hair in your eye to the side. You were looking at him with a confused expression, nose scrunched, eyebrows furrowed. You were going to be the death of him. Devastated, he broke eye contact, feeling all forms of fight seep from his bones.

"You don't like me." You whispered, wincing at the wobble in your voice. "Everyone's just saying that....right?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"No. I want you to say no."

"I can't do that."

"Well, you have to say no. I don't want to hear the rest of your sentence — keep us as just this." You softly yelled, pointing between the pair of you. "Don't change anything."

"Okay. I'll leave, but only because you want me to. But, before I go..you've gotta start being more observant." He sighed, ruffling your hair before making his way out.

"I’m plenty observant. Wouldn’t be a good player if I wasn’t.”

"I’ll see it when I believe it. Oh, and the thing you said about pigs flying..”

“What about it?”

“Renjun’s working on it.”

You laughed heartily, locking the door behind you. So, Jaemin did in fact think of you as his Aphrodite — all those nicknames were genuinely created out of affections. 'Mon bébé chérie' held a lot more emotional weight than it did twenty minutes ago, and you had to breathe before your eyes prickled with saltine tears.

Fresh air hit you like a loaded delivery truck, Mother Nature delicately wiping the tears from your eyes, shaking you with a cold flourish, roaring your cheeks to life. The team had already started their warm-up drills, as opposed to the boys' football team who were cooling down from their jog.

You ran over, tightening your ponytail, shifting into 'Captain' mode. The coach pushed you into the circle, encouraging you to take the reins. "Team, we've been doing nothing but straight work. Let's make this session count before the match tomorrow." You shouted, feeling that familiar rush of adrenaline.

The team chanted back, settling into their positions for the first drill — a penalty shoot out. You stepped to the ball, striding back to gain a better angle, socks hugging your knees.

Giving yourself a five second countdown, you charged at the ball, foot pointed, kicking it with a passion that rivalled Lionel Messi. It rolled in the back of the net, flying past Hyejoo, who could barely even process it.

"Still got those fire feet, I see, Cap'n!"

"Lady Luck gave them to me for a reason." You boasted, smugness slapped all over your face.

From the corner of your eye, Jaemin snickered, winking at you when you turned to make eye contact. At least he had the audacity to keep up appearances in front of everyone, even if you had probably made everything awkward.

"My granny could kick better than that, babes!" He boomed from across the pitch, teasing smirk on his lips.

"Your granny lives in a retirement home and still calls on you 'Nana Banana'..it's not very nice to lie." You retorted, eyes narrowed, nearing his hunched form.

"Doesn't mean she can't kick your ass. Granny was a little Aguero back in the day."

"She can't if I'm the Manè, can she?"

"But I'm a Modric. I'll beat your ass, any day, any time." He grinned, leaning in to you. "In any way you want."

You heard blood pumping in your ears, your cheeks filling with immense heat. He grabbed your cheeks softly, grinning even wider when you flushed even warmer, a human sauna. Pushing a lock out of your eyes, he searched your eyes for any sense of rage, face softening at your lack of that emotion.

"Any..way..I want?" You mouthed silently, innuendo catching your attention again as you mulled over the words. "Na Jaemin, you're a dirty boy."

"I think you're the dirty girl." He hummed, saying the next sentence in an octave that made your head spin, quietly enough that only the two of you could hear. "Sauntering around in your little Victoria's Secret bra, cozying up to me without even batting an eyelash or covering up."

"These boobs are mine. I'm allowed to show them to anyone I want."

"So you admit to showing them to me? You admit that you were trying to put on a show for me?" He pressed, purposely craning his neck over you.

"I was trying to change. If you didn't come into the room like a little pervert, you'd never have gotten a visual of these."

"And yet I know how they look now. There's nothing that can erase that image."

"Fuck you, Na Jaemin."

"I think you meant to say fuck me, but I'll allow the slip-up just because I'm so nice." You squirmed under his predatory gaze, heat in your cheeks akin to a fever. "Better get back to training, Cap. Your team's got a match tomorrow."

You hissed at him weakly, choosing to walk away from his provocation, going back to the team, who were all smiling at you with a glint in their eye. By the looks on their faces, they'd definitely taken that exchange as a form of flirting.

Not that you were disputing it, of course.

The coach rounded the girls up, calling them to grab bibs. You relaxed, running over to take the last bib once you'd calmed down. Na Jaemin was a little toe-sucking, filthy mongrel who only knew how to charm his way out of everything — totally not your ideal type or anything.

His penance for being blunt coupled with that honeyed voice was what was throwing you off. Not your physical attraction to him. At least, you hoped so.

The shrill shriek of the whistle behind you shook you out of your mind, bringing your attention back to the practice game. With every shot at the goal, you could see Jaemin taunting you, making kissy faces.

After the first half, you weren't sure if it was real or if you were hallucinating — almost like a mirage, he was wearing that stupid little smirk and there was nothing more you wanted than to slap those lips clean off his face.

Soon enough, you clocked that it wasn't just an illusion, as he'd shifted to the opposite end of the pitch, the other boys from the football team watching from the stands.

They'd started jeering at every pass, exaggerating their reactions, commentary toeing the border of sexual harassment. You volleyed the ball on your foot, battering it into the stands, grinning widely as it hit one of the boys in the face, leaving his nose lopsided.

"If you're gonna be a sexist piece of shit, just fuck off. My team doesn't deserve to hear your brain-dead commentary, nor see your fuck face." You smiled, bite in your voice. "Kindly take the opinion that nobody asked for and shove it up your ass."

Jaemin's eyes twinkled with respect, breath caught in his throat at the dark look in your eyes. He felt his chest warm in adoration, heart doubling in size. "You heard the lady."

"Includes you too, Jaemin. Better get home before Granny Na starts missing her little boy."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Fuck off." You said playfully, recovering the ball. He waved you bye, lugging his bag over his shoulder, fixing the collar of his jersey. A beam touched your lips, face lighting up.

Jaemin smirked back at you, taking his leave. He dragged the remnants away with him, leaving the girl's football team alone in the cooling dwindle of Autumn light.

"Nice shorts." A tug.

"Oh? Na Jaemin complimenting me?" You mused in surprise, arms folded across your chest.

"You didn't let me finish." Jaemin whispered, standing on the sidelines of the pitch, pulling at the hem of your shorts. "Ooh, I can see your stubble. Better bring out the razor."

Your jaw tightened, feeling that rush of annoyance fill your veins again. The nerve.

"More stubble than you'll ever grow on that chin."

"At least I'm not a human Sasquatch."

"I've got hair in the right places—" You started, catching the innuendo, glaring at Jaemin's raised eyebrows. "—I know what I meant. Don't be such a dirty boy."

"Say it again. Love the way it rolls off your tongue."

You gaped at him, whole body blowing a fuse, skin reddening at his tone. Sweltering heat danced atop each fingertip, each muscle, making you jolt. His gaze was still glued to your face, relishing the quickly dilating pupils in your eyes.

"I—"

"—Would rather have you speechless after our first time, not for your championship final. When you win, I'll buy you fucking adorable ice cream with the little star sprinkles that you like."

"Going to ignore you on that first statement, but the second one sounds like a motive."

"Win the match, and I'll ask you out. Properly."

You saw his eyes flash with something passionate, flakes of gooey molasses swirling behind the irises. Before you opened your mouth to reply to him, he pleaded silently for you to just take it as it was. "Gimme a chance. Who knows you better than your enemy? Nobody."

"I mean..."

"Only you know that my grandma calls me those corny names or that I see her all the time."

"Or that you lose every game that's not football because you're too lazy to pay attention." You added.

"And I know that you broke a guy's jaw because he was bothering Yangyang." He continued. "And I also know that you know one thing I've never told anyone."

"Ooh, what's that?"

"That I like you."

You looked away from him sheepishly, goosebumps popping up on your skin, and whether it was from the cold or from his words, you didn't know. He was looking down at you tenderly, ruffling your bed of hair, pressing a small, wet kiss to your forehead as the whistle blew.

"Don't play with fire, Na."

"You're more like a carpet burn."

You sighed, defeated. "Fine. I'll give you an answer when we win. If you're playing me, I'll break your arms."

"Okay. Go get 'em, Lady Luck." He smiled, waving you off as you scurried onto the pitch, face glowing under the fluorescent lights. Jaemin felt his chest tighten with pride, jaw aching from all the strenuous smiling.

With that absurdly contented face, you reminded him of a cross between a kid at a carnival and a man about to kill another. Your hair gathered wildly atop your head, a wicked glare painting your face.

This was you at peace, he deduced. Even with the gruesome of expressions, you looked calm. The pitch was truly your home away from home.

Two minutes into the second half saw you being carried off on a stretcher with a torn hamstring. You'd fallen to the grass, no sounds coming from your limp body. Jaemin swore he felt his heart plunge into his ass, and with a frantic flourish, he was coddling your head into his chest.

"Luck, don't die on me. I'm supposed to take you out for ice cream after this, and I stole Renjun's Baskin Robbins loyalty card to cut costs so if we don't go, I'll be getting beat up without having kissed your stupid face." He babbled, slapping your cheeks, scared that you'd genuinely lost your life.

You groaned, rolling slowly in the elastic. "Stop touching my face, I'll get acne." Mildly concussed, you soothed your throbbing headache, registering Jaemin's face looming over you. "Jaemin?"

"Oh, thank God. Thought I'd never see that unruly sparkle in your eyes again."

"Fuck off. My hamstring feels like a fried chicken mukbang and you're talking about my eyes."

"I can't cry before our first date. You'll think I'm a wimp."

"Already think that."

He hit your arm lightly, beaming at your focus on his face, meeting your eyes. You were glaring at him with a kissable pout on your lips, eyebrows furrowed — he wanted to pepper your face in balmy kisses.

The paramedic pushed him away, leading you to the ambulance. You flipped him off, yelling loudly as they wheeled you in, "Make sure you win! Won't forgive you if you don't."

The girl's football team had gathered around the door, all tight-lipped smiles and crumpled faces. They visibly brightened at your declaration, huddling together to recalibrate — the ref blew her whistle to call them back, summoning them back into position.

Yangyang and Donghyuck left the stands, rushing into the ambulance alongside you, closing the door behind them. Jaemin could faintly hear your loud curses, and sighed in relief, knowing that you'd be fine.

With two goals up, the team were at optimum working speed, playing loyally for your honour. Jaemin stood at the sidelines, holding your jacket in his hands as he recorded the match on his phone, wanting to send it to you later.

At 90 minutes, the girl's team had become the winner of the Division One Seoul Inter-district championship, and Jaemin was content. Not because it meant you'd go on that date with him, but because he could feel how much it meant to them.

Everyone around him was cheering madly, chanting and spraying assorted drinks in each other's faces, an infectious joy lingering in his veins. Amongst all the commotion, he'd somehow been pushed into the middle of the team, feeling their gazes boring into his frame.

"You like Cap'n, right?" The brunette said, eyes bright.

"No. I don't like her. She's my rival." Jaemin lied pathetically, trying to escape their judgement.

"Why were you in the locker room then?"

"Damn. How do you know that?"

"Cap'n is horrible at lying, so she's always upfront. She also cannot do an impression so she never attempts it."

"Wow, you guys sure know your stuff. Bet she's glad to have a team like you. I know I'm feeling a little jealous."

"Cut the smooth talk. If you like Cap'n, just be straightforward. She's more innocent than she seems, and can get her heart broken easily."

"Got it." He nodded, "Well...ladies, I have to thank you for the advice."

"No problem, but if you break her heart.." They chorused, "We'll break that pretty little nose." Fifteen studded feet swung at his face, narrowly skimming the bridge of his nose.

He flinched, caught off guard, grin bared. "Now, I definitely got that message. I'll be going to check up on her, what do you want me to say?"

"We've already called her and shown her the trophy, so we have nothing left to say, you, however...take all the time you need."

"Since I have your blessing, am I allowed to—"

"Don't finish that sentence. Keep in your lane."

Jaemin promptly closed his mouth, and bid them a goodbye, dashing into his car towards the hospital, stopping at Baskin Robbins to buy the ice cream he promised. He hoped you’d at least be able to eat the sprinkles (the ones you liked were expensive, and if you didn’t eat them, he’d just wasted an extra 2,500 won.)

In the hospital, you were now dressed in a medical gown, surrounded by the two idiots. It smelt like an experiment lab, and the spotless shades of ivory splashed on the walls made you feel a tad bit overwhelmed.

Your leg had already undergone the MRSI scan, and the nurses had told you that you’d definitely tore your hamstring, but surgery would fix it right up along with natural healing.

Of course, all those details lacked in comparison to your team finally winning the trophy you’d worked so hard towards — that excitement numbed the pain considerably.

“We thought you’d somehow died.” Yangyang confessed, grasping your hands in his clammy ones.

“You did.” Donghyuck sneered, pointing at him, continuing when he saw your face change in confusion. “Yang was convinced that you were invincible like Superman or something. He started blubbering about how you could definitely defeat the grim reaper in close contact and that should be enough to steal back your soul or whatever—”

“I’m just never going to ask questions again.”

“Jaemin was on the verge of a breakdown when he saw you fall. Never have I ever seen him run so fast towards a girl.” Donghyuck said, hand on chin in mock thought.

You blushed, remembering your promise about the ice cream and falling back into the bed in distress.

“What’s going on with you? I saw you two all friendly at the sidelines.” Yangyang murmured, eyes squinting in judgement. “Don’t tell me...you guys fucked before the game?”

Suddenly it was too hot in the room. You fanned yourself to cool down, slapping your own cheeks before pulling Yangyang’s ears. “Yeah, because I have the guts to just have my first time in a school setting.” You deadpanned.

“Naughty girl.” Both boys swooned, unable to note your sarcasm.

“Just because my leg is gone doesn’t mean I can’t harm you anymore. I’ll break your kneecaps.”

In the midst of your fight with your best friends, you spotted Jaemin opening the door, wearing that greasy smirk that made butterflies tickle your throat.

“I see a broken leg isn’t enough to stop you, is it?” Jaemin drawled from the door, hands behind his back. “Still threatening people?”

“It’s not threatening if they deserve it.” You mumbled, suddenly shy. Jaemin maintained his distance from you, arm outstretched, ice cream tub in hand. He was looking away from you, faint blush tinting his cheeks, lips squeezed in a puffy ‘o’.

“Not that I remembered or anything, but you did say something about liking these sprinkles.” He said, eyes darting around to focus on anything but you.

“I do...like these sprinkles..how did you know?”

“Everyone calls you star, and you’re cute. It’s your personality in an edible sugar shape.”

You rolled your eyes at his words, forgetting both Donghyuck and Yangyang were seated in the room. It felt like the two of you were just stuck in your own world, glaring at each other like a pair of lovers.

Unfortunately, that moment was cut short by your ungracious best friends, cooing annoyingly. They were squealing like little girls, incomprehensible screams of ‘our girl’s grown up!’ scraping your eardrums.

“Leave me alone!” You whined, face scrunched in discomfort, making futile attempts to push them away. “Jaemin...please get these two off me.”

“Asking your boyfriend to get rid of us? Already?” Yangyang hollered, one of Jaemin’s arms stopping him from jumping on you again.

“He’s not my boyfriend. As of now, he’s the only sensible one who isn’t mauling the girl with a broken leg, and that’s why I’m asking him for help.”

“Should I throw them out?”

“Yes —actually, do whatever. Let them go terrorise someone that isn’t me.”

“Your wish is my command.”

On that, Jaemin escorted both boys outside, shutting the door on them, cutting off the beginning to their long-winded rant with a smile. That left the two of you alone.

Oddly enough, the silence wasn’t stifling but rather a conversation of the mind — you were able to see what he wanted to say by looking into those mocha coloured eyes. You threw the ice cream tub in the bin, reaching for Jaemin’s hands shyly.

He’d sat down beside you on the bed, just staring at you like you were an abstract painting, a mosaic of a splendid array, unable to take his eyes off you. He took your hand warmly, running his fingers over your calloused knuckles, sharing his heat with you.

“Jaemin.” You yawned, head falling onto his shoulder. “I’m saying yes to your date. If I didn’t get injured, you could’ve taken me out today, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry. Being with you is enough for me, even if I do want to comment on your horrible tackles during the match.” Jaemin teased, grabbing your hand a little tighter.

“Haha...I’m dying of laughter.”

“Hey! None of that here.”

“Sorry. I’m just happy. My team won our first championship, which we’ve been trying to do for three years, and I feel on top of the world. All those years of boys being absolute dickheads to us about our abilities, trying to put us down have amounted to this moment. I’m at peace right now.”

“Don’t apologise. I should be sorry instead. It was easier to talk to you if I pretended I hated you. I shouldn’t have been like that.”

“I accept your apology. But..I think it was cute you couldn’t tell me you liked me! That’s so endearing.”

“Fuck off.”

“That’s my line! Well, you were always attractive to me, even when you were being a dickhead. Now that I think about it, you’re at your hottest when you’re being mean.”

“Is that so?” Jaemin mused, rolling onto his hands, dangling over you, lips eerily close to your own. “Do you want me to treat you mean, keep you keen?”

“Firstly, don’t ever say that again.” You stopped him, hand placed on his chest to push him away lightly. “Secondly, I’ve never had a boyfriend or my first kiss. That means no experience.” You slurred that last part, rushing the words so he wouldn’t be able to hear.

“Cap’n, you’re telling me that I’ll be your first?”

“Not if you don’t ask me out.”

Jaemin sat back beside you, looking up to the ceiling. This was the moment. He took a deep breath, standing up before you, hands rubbing his stomach softly to calm down.

“I wanted to do a real dramatic confession, but I rushed over here in fear that you wouldn’t be able to hit me again, so I’ll have to stick with my speech.” He cheesed, trying to ease himself of his nerves. You laughed, hissing in mock anger when he wore that stupid grin. “I like you. Like a lot. Sometimes, I come to school with a dirty scowl on my face, but then I see your face and start smiling like a love struck fool. You’re someone that I wouldn’t want to lose.”

“Jaemin, you little mongrel. Come here.” You waved him over, arms outstretched in a hug. “Even though I know your ego won’t let you ask me out properly, I would love to be your girlfriend. However, if my heart is broken..I’ll be stoning your car.”

“Thought you were gonna say that you’d break my face.”

“That too.”

He snuggled closer into you, peering up at you with shining eyes, not wanting to move too much to keep you comfortable. You grinned back at him, placing a soft kiss on his head, running a hand through his hair.

That familiar silence returned, and that’s how you fell asleep with Na Jaemin enveloped in your chest. Although you’d broken a leg, Lady Luck seemed to have twiddled her fingers to send you a ‘get well soon’ present, the ever cunning Na Jaemin.

Five months later had you no longer hobbling around on crutches like a hobbit, but walking proud and tall. Jaemin drove you to school (using the excuse of carpooling) and helped you take your books to first period everyday — the alpha male in him winced seeing you attempt any ‘heavy lifting’, and he’d made it a routine.

“Can you fuck off? I can carry this.” You complained, pinching his side. “Just because I see a physio biweekly doesn’t mean I’m about as able-bodied as a monkey.”

“Got the hair to be a monkey.” He snorted.

“Look who’s talking, Mr.Sasquatch. Bigger feet than his prints, you little scoundrel.”

“Big feet means big—”

“Don’t finish that if you wanna keep the body part in question.”

“—heart. Dirty girl.”

You felt the honey pooling in your stomach, kissing his cheek in haste to escape his relentless teasing. He shut up at that, pulling you back to kiss you properly, attracting the attention of everyone in the hallway.

“Get to class.” He announced as he parted from you, enjoying your petulant face. You hit him softly, flipping him off from behind you, blowing him a kiss.

Ah, Na Jaemin. You still hated him. Just a little less this time.

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

Lily (from "Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus", what else?) and Lenin and maybe some other people? Watch "Heathers". Reactions? Or what they get transported there? Sorry, it's just that I'm in this Heathers-obsession phase and since I love your work so much (and the fact that Trotsky is kinda sorta like JD) I've been wondering about a crossover like that. I honestly have no idea what your answer to this will entail.

I’ve been musing on this one for a bit now but I suppose it’s time to dig in and answer.

First, I’m not usually a fan of the “X characters watch Y thing” so we’re going to avoid that. Also, to Wizard Lenin, it’d undoubtedly be yet another one of Lily’s weird 80′s movies that she loves so much and forces him to watch. It’s less gory than Predator, but dammit Lily, high school isn’t like this! 

Getting transported there is a similarly weird story. It’s such a muggle setting that it really doesn’t mesh well with the “Sisyphus” cast. Why would Lily and Wizard Lenin be stuck in this high school in Ohio? Would they even do anything besides go “That JD kid sure is weird” and “Wow, the death count here is higher than Hogwarts!”? Point being, I can’t imagine they’d get entangled in the true plot of “Heathers” and at best would be providing riff track commentary on this crazy high school. 

So, instead, let’s go the good old fusion route. Let’s make the world of “Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus” just a bit more like “Heathers” and see how it pans out.

Because “Heathers” is all about the destruction of society from within, we’re axing Voldemort. Sorry, Tom, you got stuck in a magical mirror, eaten by bears, or something after 1943 and are going to be Sir Not Appearing in this Universe. As a result, there’s no Voldemort, but the deep societal issues that Tom took advantage of very much remain and are flourishing. 

In this world, Lily is still a god, but is not immediately recognized as such by being the girl who lived. Instead, she’s just a strange, dangerously overpowered, nuisance that nobody likes. And her home life is trash.

I imagine in the world without Voldemort, Death Eaters, and a second war Lily and James’ marriage quickly crumbles. This is mainly due to the stress of marriage but also due to having a gifted, ridiculously intelligent, and creepy child. Within a few years, Lily Evans has the audacity to do what is never done: she divorces her pureblood lord husband and tries to vie for child custody. She loses, of course, as she’s a muggle born woman, and is basically banished from ever seeing her kid again.

James never really gets over this, Ellie looking so much like Lily Evans certainly not helping matters, and over the years grows very cold to her. She’s not a son so is useless to inherit, she’s nothing like him, and she’s just an all around disappointment. James very quickly gets remarried for political purposes, marrying a far less scandelous pureblood witch from pick your prestigious family, and they have a son meaning that Lily is no longer heir.

Lily thus attends Hogwarts as essentially the half-blood Potter. She’s for all intents and purposes a bastard child, one barely acknowledged by her father, and is also weird. As a result I imagine she’s bullied relentlessly much in the manner Luna is. For years.

I imagine Luna Lovegood is her only friend, as the pair have bonded over constantly having their stuff destroyed and being locked out of their dormitories. 

Enter Lily’s seventh year and thus the plot.

The outside world is looming and Lily effectively has no future. Despite being the daughter of Lord Potter, she’s in a similar position that Tom Riddle was. She won’t be hired into the Ministry or basically any position thanks to her dubious heritage as well as the fact that no one likes her.

Mostly, she just wants out. She wants out of the country where everyone knows exactly who she is and where she came from. Her best hope for this is employment with the goblins but she needs recommendations from a professor. Her best bet is Slughorn, but while he’s always been awed of her ability after seven years of Lily the charm has worn off. Lily has never received an invitation to the Slug Club.

Lily realizes that to get out she must become popular so someone can vouch for her to Slughorn. Not to mention her life might become slightly, slightly, less miserable. So, Lily approaches the Heathers. Much like in the film/musical, Lily offers her services to them for the fee of making nice, pretending to like her, and getting her an in with Slughorn.

This spirals out of control as the Heathers instead do the makeover and make Lily suddenly cool. She’s suddenly invited to parties, people talk to her, it’s a whole new world.

Around this time, Lily in the room of requirement happens to stumble across the diary (nevermind how he gets there, we’ll pretend Tom just never managed to smuggle him out of the castle). Tom has been trapped in there, dying, and Lily obliviously informs him that all his ambitions and sacrifices amounted to nothing. There was no dark lord after Grindelwald, she’s never heard of a Tom Riddle, and everything she describes makes it sound like nothing has changed.

Tom Riddle inexplicably vanished off the face of the earth leaving only the diary behind.

Naturally, Tom is very pissed about this, and sets about plotting how he can return, trying to get Lily to open up by asking her for help returning him to his body. Lily does him one better and just returns him to his body without any sacrifice, casually remarking that she’s always been like this as long as she can remember, fully accepting Tom to yell “SHE’S A WITCH! BURN HER!” to her face as everyone else does.

Tom, however, is floored and everything he’s ever known to be true is thrown out the window. He decides to make Lily his new pet project. 

Unfortunately for him, by this point Lily has a Slug Club to attend, only it goes horribly wrong. The Heathers have purposefully set about humiliating Luna, Lily’s only friend, and Lily has to very publicly break ties with them even though it means sacrificing her only real chance of leaving the country with gainful employment. Worse, the Heathers promise wrath the likes of which Lily has never seen before.

Lily, devastated and despairing, goes back to Tom and confesses all the shitiness of her extremely shitty life and how she doesn’t even know what the Heathers will do to her now. Tom finds this a little odd, as Lily has quickly proven herself the most powerful person on the planet, but he’s willing to play along. More to the point, Lily and Tom’s relationship goes from 0 to 100 as he is not only the first guy to show interest in her but he’s very very interested and very very hot. When Lily decides to beg Alpha Heather for forgiveness, Tom notes that he’ll come with, he’s better with people than she is.

Tom, having hit a low point of nihilist rage thanks to Voldemort having amounted to nothing, poisons Alpha Heather and dutifully covers for Lily by writing her suicide note. This works. There is an ecstasy of joyous grief throughout the school as staff and students alike confess how they never knew the true Heather. Lily is astounded, Tom is ecstatic.

Lily tries to return to life as normal, goes back to hanging out with Luna, but also has to introduce Tom to the school. Tom suggests she mind wipes everyone, that makes Lily uncomfortable, so she instead confesses what she believes is the truth in that Tom was trapped in an enchanted object. Dumbledore nearly has a stroke, but since Tom Riddle never became Voldemort, it’s more that this is a solution to an unsolved mystery and the castle is glad Tom isn’t actually dead. They’d thought he got hit by one of those muggle bombs during WWIII or whatever it was the muggles had going on. 

HA HA HA HA, but no, Tom says in response.

In the meantime Tom gets to witness Lily’s weird and strained relationship with her father, his friends, and her younger half-brother. Tom points out that Lily seeking out gainful employment is unnecessary. Lily doesn’t have to be a part of society, like all these worthless people around her, she’s so powerful that she can do whatever she likes however she likes it. She can simply leave the country, she could become a dark lord even, there’s nothing stopping her. Lily’s never thought of it like that before, to become a true part of society, to be accepted on some level by that society, has always just seemed like the obvious path to her. What else would she do?

Due to this, Lily and Tom’s relationship continues to grow as they’re really the first people to see each other as they are. Naturally, this is when shit hits the fan. Thanks to Tom, Lily’s invited to another Slug Club with him (Tom can still become minister even if he was trapped in a book for fifty years! Slughorn says). Lily gets hit on and nearly sexually assaulted by some of the boys there, Lily gets out, but the next day rumor circulates around the school that Lily was in a threesome with them.

Tom Riddle sets up a ridiculous scheme in which he fakes their murder suicide where they confess to being homosexual. Lily is increasingly horrified. The school, once again, is in an ecstasy of joyful grief over the loss of these two, beautiful, oppressed, gay souls. Lily realizes that Tom is A Bad Dude (TM) and tries to confront him. He easily confesses he cares nothing about these people and has decided he wants to watch society burn. These are the people who thought he had died in the Blitz and did nothing. They are people who cannot and will not change. They’re the absentee fathers who dote on far less powerful, pureblood, sons. Tom has officially, completely, given up on the wizarding world and now he will destroy it as quickly and horrifically as he can. Lily, not belonging to society, can pour the kerosene on with him.

This is getting a little too gnarly for Lily and she dumps Tom.

Unfortunately, he quickly becomes exceedingly popular thanks to his angelic face, his natural charm and charisma, and his understanding of people. He passes around a petition for suicide and bullying awareness that everybody and their brother signs. What they’re really signing is pages from the diary which, much like Death Note, promises him both their magic and their life force.

Tom confronts Lily and admits he’s going to murder everybody, an entire generation of wizards and witches gone in an instant, AND LILY CAN BE HIS DARK QUEEN! Lily and Tom get into a fight, Tom accidentally murders the shit out of her and is devestated, only of course for Lily to wake up later after he’s left because she was unwittingly immortal this whole time.

Rising from the dead, Lily hunts Tom down before he can blow up the school, and sucks him back into the diary. Upon graduation Lily makes up with Luna, still has no prospects and plans to go and be homeless in India, has hesitantly gotten in contact with Lily Evans, basically has no contact left with her father, and has a boyfriend diary named Tom who might be let out in fifty years if he promises not to blow up a school. 

[lunarthedragon]

Demon!Jaskier Part 2

Part 1: here

+++

He had been so many things in his past. So many iterations and forms. So many bodies and lives.

A boy with bones so fragile he needs braces to walk, but who never dies. Never dies. Never dies. His smile bringing joy to his small village.

A girl, deaf, who is shunned by her family but taken in by the sirens that cannot sway her with their songs. She is vengeance on the tide, her hands louder than her tongue.

A man filled with anger - at the world, people, himself - who sets into motion some of the most gruesome wars known to man.

A woman with thunder in her steps, mighty and heroic, wearing armor forged by poor workers and wielding a damaged sword she found lodged in her father’s ribcage.

An elf who slips along the blood-drenched fields, washed with the screams of his people, delivering mercy upon the suffering and as his tears mix with the blood.

So many lives. So many timelines. So many worlds.

Nothing ever looks the same, feels the same, but it is always him-her-they. Returning and returning, wanting to live and learn and grow in a way his brethren refuse to. 

He will be better.

+++

Sometimes, when people want to get at Geralt, they choose the cowardly method of going after his bard. They believe him to be an easier target and hope for an easy prize.

Geralt always worries, even though he never says it. Jaskier can feel it, wafting off of him as he charges into the temporary prison and sees the dead bandits-mercenaries-fools already strewn across the ground.

Over the years the Witcher has learned and accepted that Jaskier has a profound talent for getting into trouble, but also getting out of it.

Still he worries.

Even when he knows of Jaskier’s true nature.

A group of bandits abscond with him to their camp, set to bribe the Witcher.

The night has barely fallen when Jaskier runs into Geralt on his way out of the bandit camp, blood smeared over his hands and face, yet his clothes miraculously untouched.

“Are you okay?” Geralt still demands, reeking of concern.

“They tore one of the buttons out of my doublet. How do you think I am doing?” Jaskier grumbles, ignoring the concern, even though it makes him feel all warm inside. Like the shadows are stretching with a brighter sun. Like some of the darkness boils back.

It is a good warm.

He does not need worrying, though. He does not need rescuing. He has been a damsel before, but he has never been in distress. 

Still... it can be a little nice... on occasion.

+++

Jaskier tells Geralt some of his own stories.

His words have been prettied and empty for so many years, the occasional story bracketed from when “Jaskier” began and the present. 

Now, he tells Geralt anything and everything. Of worlds far beyond his own. Places hidden away unless you know where to look. History long forgotten.

Geralt pretends not to listen, but his awareness is firmly planted on Jaskier when he talks of these things. It appears these stories can even intrigue a grumpy, old Witcher.

“The monsters in your song,” Geralt suddenly cuts in one night when Jaskier is recounting his life as Damalt, a “Wastelander” from far, far away many years ago, where he hunted monsters not unlike a Witcher. “I said they didn’t exist, but...”

The Witcher looked deep in thought and it takes Jaskier a moment to realize he is talking about when they first met. “You were not incorrect,” he assures, smiling, “They do not exist... in this world. Alas, I occasionally get my histories jumbled up when high on adrenaline. Terrible habit, that.”

“It must happen often, then,” Geralt huffs. His pride is wounded. He is meant to be the monster expert, and yet...

“I often call out the wrong name in bed,” Jaskier replies with a shrug.

“That’s hardly terrible,” Geralt’s lips twist and a brow arches.

Jaskier shrugs. “Sure, unless you say it like, ‘G̸͙̅̀Ŕ̸̠̖ḥ̶̀͋h̸̘́K̸̥̇͒̐͛͋͗̏b̶̥͕̠̪͉͛̆ą̶̘͈̟̼̰̟̓̌̀̐T̶̝̠̙̍̽̈́̄̈́C̶̥̫̝͐̄͋́̏̀ḧ̶͍̟̟̠̫̎́̇̈́h̸̬̅́Á̸̬̱͎̗̓̃͂̇͊͠L̴͕̗͛̀̓̔̾̂̈́ͅ.’”

Geralt has leant back as if smacked, his eyes so wide the whites are visible all around his irises, and his mouth is hanging open.

It makes Jaskier laugh for five minutes straight.

+++

He cannot eat salt. It will not kill him, but it causes the closest thing to an allergic reaction in him that he could ever have.

It burns where it touches tongue or skin or organs or bone. He feels it deeper than the flesh, the body, and he writhes, like a black, foaming slug. It makes him screech but no one hears, air running cold until icicles form but no one shivers, a chittering vibration that sets ears bleeding but no one cares.

He cannot eat salt.

+++

The thing in the mansion is ancient. Almost as ancient as him. He can hear it long before the mansion - dilapidated, abandoned, hopeless, taken back by nature - comes into view.

Geralt doesn’t hear it. He keeps walking, looking out for the monster on the contract.

The monster is gone, if it was ever here to begin with. Dead, dead, dead. Like the air and the earth and the sea. Dead but ancient and crawling without moving.

And Geralt doesn’t hear it.

“We shouldn’t go closer,” Jaskier finally says - voice not-quite-right at the edges, like a burning photo - because Geralt knows. Knows what he is. Accepted what he is. It is fine to speak up and protect that which he holds dear. That which he cares for more than he should.

Geralt is looking at him now, confusion in his eyes, and he wishes he could put into words that they need to stay away from that mansion because the thing inside will be the Witcher’s undoing.

He can move on, find a new body, find a new life, but the flesh bodies with the fleshier souls of mortals do not have that privilege. And he quite likes this particular mortal.

“What’s wrong?” Geralt asks, voice low, stepping towards Jaskier as if to protect.

“E̴v̵e̶r̴y̷t̵h̷i̶n̴g̸,” his voice twitches around something too big and forces it back down. “It will kill you. You need to get away.”

“Is it a spirit of some kind?” Geralt asks, his face set in concern. Jaskier offers a nod. “Is it like you?” Jaskier opens his mouth to reply and it rushes out.

“Me but not - screaming where I whisper - the fly in your soup the fly on a corpse - bear trap on your leg gnaw it off gnaw it off - viscera from an eye split in half - war as bloody as birth - ”

Geralt grabs ahold of his arms and drags him away, sprinting in the opposite direction as the mansion, and Jaskier has never sensed fear on the Witcher like he does in that moment.

They don’t return to the town they came from. They never completed the contract. There was no monster to kill.

Instead, in complete silence, they make camp and Jaskier curls up tight to Geralt’s side under a thick fur. If he shakes a little, drained from a battle that never happened, Geralt doesn’t say a word and only holds him closer.

+++

Djinn are an ancient spirit as much as Jaskier is. Not horrors, but rather entities. Embodiments. Powerful and feared and unable to flee from the imprisonments of man.

They hate the things that Jaskier is. Envious of him and his brethren. They are not as ancient as he, but they possess powers long forgotten.

Jaskier should have stopped things sooner. “I can’t sleep,” Geralt had said as he fished for a djinn. Jaskier had seen the problem, seen the issue, knew the outcome, and he should have just stepped in forced a stop.

Instead, he tried to talk Geralt down. Claim a lovely cup of chamomile tea with honey and whiskey would do the trick! Perhaps a back rub to sweeten the deal? Just please get away from the water. Please.

It doesn’t work and the jug in Geralt’s hands sends Jaskier into a panic, shooting out to grab ahold of it and tugging. Geralt doesn’t let go. Just glares at him.

“Seriously, Geralt, you’re being ridiculous! This isn’t going to help you. They’ll trick you and put you to sleep for good, never to rise again. How can you not see--”

The jug opens with a “pop!” The engraved lid in Geralt’s hand, jug in Jaskier's, and he can FEEL the energies around them shift. Compress. Tug and squeeze until it is hard for him to breathe.

“Nothing happened,” Geralt growls to himself, looking around, growing more and more frustrated, but Jaskier’s attention is glued to the surface of the lake. There is a shadow there that hasn’t taken form. Watching without eyes. Laughing without lips.

A djinn’s aura is not a scream or a cry. It is a vibration. A roll of thunder and the long, belting roar of a giant.

They stare at each other, through eyes beyond this plain. Eyes that see each other for what they truly are. Wind is picking up, actual wind, the sky darkening, and with the first bolt of lightning the djinn attacks.

He screeches, unholy and enraged, as claws-talons-teeth, dig into the parts of him that go unseen. Black veins form on his body, growing and growing and growing, hands and eyes pitch black as he lashes back. A piece of him catches on a piece of them, rendering-cutting-ripping, until lightning flashes above like a scream. Like a scar.

Black oozes from his mouth with the next clash, veins surging along his face, his stomach, his legs, everywhere. His hands are grasping without moving - so many hands, too many hands - and he tears the djinn in two, flinging it away, but a bolt of lightning like a blade severs an arm. A leg. There’s a hole in his chest that bleeds black.

He hears a voice, deep and frantic in a way he isn’t used to. Terrified. He’s not meant to be terrified. Not for Jaskier. He...

“Stop!” Geralt yells out, loud as the storm, and time holds still. The djinn is still there, present, hovering, deliberating, before it pulls back and away with a thin smile despite having no lips.

Ah. Geralt has the wishes.

Isn’t that lovely?

“Jaskier,” Geralt says, sounding desperate and too close and Jaskier looks to his side to find he is laying on his back and Geralt is kneeling beside him. He looks horrified, his emotions apparently so sudden and strong he is unable to hold them in.

“Hi,” he says, black blood gurgling out with the word, smiling in such a way his dark eyes crinkle. He doesn’t think it puts Geralt at ease, though, with the way he seems to flicker. Stutter. Then lurch forward like he wants to hold Jaskier but stops himself short.

“You’re... you...” Geralt isn’t one for words, but when he does talk he doesn’t usually stutter. Jaskier doesn’t like this.

“Djinn and demons like me do not get along,” he offers. He feels tight in his skin, too much wanting to leak out. To crack more of his skin and ooze free. Fill the air. Fill the world. Fill everything.

He holds it in, but he can feel more of his body turning dark with more and more veins. The hole in his chest hurts.

“Could you pass me my arm and leg, please?” he asks kindly and, apparently too shocked to argue or question, the Witcher lurches sideways to scoop up the severed limbs. He hands them over and Jaskier takes them gratefully, before setting his arm to the bleeding stump.

It stinks, like rotten eggs, and Geralt’s nose wrinkles up but he doesn’t move away. Jaskier wonders if he’s in shock.

The limb knits back onto his body, slower than usual, but not unexpected for a wound like this. He does the same to his leg, pleased to have all four limbs back, less of himself wanting to leak out. He is still covered in black veins, though, with dark eyes.

Still, he turns to Geralt, who looks lost. He reaches out to lay a hand against Geralt’s cheek, the Witcher flinching but then pressing back into his palm. “See? I am fine. Death means very little to me,” he assures, his voice still full, like he has too many teeth-tongues-throats, but far more normal than it once was.

“You have a hole in your chest,” Geralt says lowly, seeming unable to speak much higher. Jaskier tries to think about what this must be like from Geralt’s perspective. His only friend, a demon of unknown power, changing horrifically  and having a fight with an invisible force. Then, being torn apart before his very eyes...

Yes, perhaps this response was a bit more understanding...

“It will heal,” he says, but looks down at the hole, black blood gushing from it still, coating his front and back. He hadn’t gotten that from a bolt of lightning. This was a cursed wound.

Not enough to kill something like him, but enough to be a nuisance.

“I may abandon this body,” he considers aloud, “Find a new host. This will take years to heal.”

“No,” Geralt says suddenly, moving forward and grabbing Jaskier’s shoulders. “No. Tell me how to help. This is my doing--”

“This is not your doing,” Jaskier says, head tilting.

“I should have listened.”

“You should have,” he agrees, “But this is still not your doing.”

“Just...” Geralt looks down and away, avoiding eye contact. Jaskier still tries to catch his gaze anyway. “Tell me what I can do...”

“It is a magical wound,” he begins and brings a hand up to run his knuckles over Geralt’s jaw. It is so close and vulnerable, he can’t help it. “It needs magical treatment so that I might do the rest. I sense a sorceress in Rinde, the next town over. Powerful.”

Geralt looks up, listening intently. His face is set again, under control as it usually is, and his eyes are determined. He nods. “To Rinde,” he says as he stands and carefully urges Jaskier up, too.

There is a sense of vertigo upon standing and the black veins flair, spreading then receding. He feels disoriented, deep to the core. Perhaps the cursed wound was doing more to him than he thought.

“I think...” he begins slowly as Geralt leads him towards Roach, who is far enough away not to be spooked by the fight, but close enough to still be within sight. Geralt has a firm hand on his closest arm and the other arm wrapped around Jaskier’s shoulders, trying to support him.

“I think I need to pass out, now.” And he goes down to the sound of Geralt’s worried exclamation, the world blurring until it is void. It is nothing. It is all.

+++

Definitely gonna make a part 3! Also likely to put them all together, eventually, and put them on Ao3 later! Tell me what y’all think!!

Tagged users that commented on part one: @meody90 @zoeyszone @patrycjami-chan @emthegiantnerd @onelonelyforgottenbiscuit 

[panharmonium]

no man can know his destiny...

...because if we told him what it was, he might decide to tell destiny to bugger off!

all right, folks.  i am obviously eight years late to this party (party?  maybe not party; that’s...maybe not the best word), and i am aware that everybody who was ever in this fandom has probably already consumed all the finale reaction posts that they ever needed to read.  i am putting this S5 finale round-up together for my own purposes anyway, because now that i’m no longer avoiding spoilers, i want to make sure i get all of my own thoughts down on paper before i accidentally run into anyone else’s. 

fair warning before anyone decides to invest their time: this post is sixteen single-spaced pages long.  i am putting it under a cut here, so feel free to scroll on by.  

with that said, off we go!

in a land of myth and a time of magic (i fell in love with a ten-year-old tv show):

so, to preface this, i think it’s pretty fair to say that i very rarely complain about merlin.

i watched the first episode of merlin on a complete whim - i was by myself, on a trip to atlanta, and despite the fact that i usually never sit down and just decide to watch random tv, i was scrolling around on netflix before bed and saw merlin and thought “oh hey, that’s always been on my list as something i thought i might like.”  i clicked it.  i watched it.  i thought it was going to be a silly, fun, low-investment show i could use to fill the spare time on my trip.

it was silly.  and it was fun.  it was not low-investment.  i fell in LOVE.

and i know this comes through in the way i write about it, like - the vast majority of the blogging i have done about merlin has come from a place of THIS THING IS GREAT AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S GREAT.  sometimes the story will go places that stress me out or make me sad, but usually that hasn’t impacted my enjoyment, because generally, when i evaluate stories, i react more to my perception of the story’s integrity, as opposed to whether or not i personally ‘liked’ the ending.  so i might personally prefer stories that don’t end in tragedy, but if the story has earned its ending, with integrity, then i won’t feel any desire to criticize it.  i will talk about how sad i am or how low it made me feel, but if the story has earned its ending then i can’t - i just can’t argue with it.  i have to respect it.  

and i think i’ve demonstrated that well enough in all the other blogging i’ve done about merlin.  with 5.10 and 5.11 particularly; i felt those episodes were impossibly tragic and dark and SO unhappy, but i respected the storytelling, despite this.  i wasn’t hopping on here to make posts like ‘ugh this is getting so dark this episode sucks!!!’  i was writing about the story they were crafting - which, yes, WAS getting dark, certainly - and about how impactful it was (even when that impact was just “OUCH”).  i was still deeply engaged, at that time.

so - i think i have earned the right to say honestly that the following analysis does not come from a place of ‘this was SAD and that makes it automatically CRAPPY!!!’  that’s not how i assess things.  5.10 and 5.11 were devastating, but i respect them.  i loved watching them.  i would watch them again.  i thought that the show had the potential to pull off something masterful, after those two episodes.

but the one thing this series has always struggled with a little bit is follow-through.  bbc merlin is at its finest when they aren’t afraid to go barreling after the moral ambiguity and complexities that their show inherently contains (‘to kill the king,’ ‘the sorcerer’s shadow,’ ‘the disir,’ ‘the kindness of strangers,’ ‘the drawing of the dark,’ to name just a few), and they achieve real greatness in those moments.  but they sometimes pull back from the difficult questions they pose.  and i can’t tell if it’s that they’re deliberately chickening out, or if it’s just some variation of carelessness or ineptitude that makes them fumble the ball, but the end result is that they hit these amazing highs of “wow, i can’t believe we’re finally going there; we’re addressing the central conflict” and then all the complicated questions they asked just get dropped.   

it happens in ‘the sorcerer’s shadow’ (which is an amazing episode otherwise), when kilgharrah kind of...word-of-god handwaves away merlin’s conflict, saying ‘we just gotta wait for arthur to be king, that’s the right way to go about this.’  and they double down on this by having merlin say that it was gilli, not merlin, who had betrayed their kind - which is just not - that is not what that episode had been saying, up until that point!  the entire point of that episode was that yeah, merlin has in fact gotten himself into a position where he’s made a morally questionable decision to serve a regime that oppresses him and others like him.  they show us how conflicted he feels when he’s confronted by this reality.  they show us that he knows it’s true.  it was brilliantly done - and then they pulled WAY back.

but even then i don’t think it was like...unforgivable, at that point.  it doesn’t break the story’s integrity; i can definitely believe that merlin would take that tack - i’m not sure he’s quite ready to confront/accept the reality of his situation at that point.  so i get it.  it wouldn’t be a big deal - if the show had eventually addressed/followed through on this conflict in the end.

and i think the same is true of the episodes leading up to the finale.  they were dark and complicated and tragic, but they were telling an important story; and none of the terrible things we saw happening to the characters were dead-ends, story-wise.  there was a place for that story to go.  there was room for morgana to have her arc resolve in a meaningful way.  there was room for mordred’s arc to do the same.  the place in which we found ourselves at the end of 5.11 was as dark and complicated as merlin had ever been, and it was still bursting with potential.  

and then you watch the finale and it’s just - empty.  i described it as a paper castle in some other post, and that’s what it felt like.  no substance.  it was like they stuffed us on a bullet train and whizzed us past material that should have taken an entire season to handle, and you didn’t see any of it or feel anything because the trip took ten seconds and the scenery was a blur.

it honestly felt like they thought they had another season coming and then someone popped in and told them “actually you have to wrap this up in two episodes.”  i can’t think of another way to reasonably explain how dramatically the quality of the storytelling downshifts between 5.11 and 5.12.  i wasn’t watching the show then, so i don’t know, but it’s - at least if that had been the case, i would UNDERSTAND what had happened.  it’s just insanity, otherwise.

so anyway, with all that said, here are my own reasons for why i think the last two episodes were objectively bad writing, as opposed to just writing i don’t personally like.  nobody is obligated to agree with me on any of these points, but i’m also not putting them up here to debate them, really - i truly believe that almost everything i watched in the last two episodes was poorly-conceived.  

(there’s an entirely different discussion to be had, of course, about the relative merits of ending your, uh, hopeful fantasy story on a bummer of a death knell, and i might touch on that later, but that’s a little bit more subject to personal preference, and honestly, it’s not the point i’m trying to make here, because to be frank, these episodes are bad without even getting into who lives and who dies.)

i. plot contrivances: EVERYWHERE.

i don’t mean plot devices.  plot devices are important, in a story.  a plot device is something like how merlin throws excalibur into the lake in 1.09, and then is able to retrieve it in 3.13 because of a choice he made to show someone compassion in 2.09, and thus he is able to save the day and defeat the undead.  excalibur is a plot device, in that scenario - the ability to use it in 3.13 unfolds organically.

a plot contrivance, on the other hand, is artificial.  it’s unnaturally convenient.  it doesn’t feel convincing.  it’s what you reach for when you can’t think of a way to make something happen, but a writer is supposed to look at these things when they edit and think ‘hey.  if i can’t make this happen without it being contrived, maybe it shouldn’t happen.  maybe i need to look at this again.’

so like, from the very beginning of 5.12, we have:

the face-sucker slug.  never seen one before.  never heard of it before.  never given any indication that any such creature ever existed.  never given any indication that “stealing” magic was something that could even happen.  no idea where morgana found it.  created for and introduced in this very episode, just to give merlin a reason to go to the crystal cave; removed from the episode ten minutes after it’s introduced, forgotten.

gwaine’s sudden girlfriend.  NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE.  NEVER HEARD OF HER BEFORE.  NEVER GIVEN ANY INDICATION THAT ANY SUCH CREATURE EVER EXISTED.  where does she come from?  why do we care?  (surprise: we don’t.)  created for and introduced in this very episode for the sole purpose of explaining how morgana could get the information she needed to interfere with everyone’s plans, which was a contrived idea in and of itself, because it relied completely on making gwaine act like the kind of dope who tells a civilian military secrets.  

you just.  you can’t.  if your plot point can’t function without a) introducing a brand new character in the penultimate episode of your show and b) forcing a long-standing character to do something they just wouldn’t do, you can’t use it.  you just can’t.  you have to figure out something else.

this lady’s very existence is nonsense.  absolutely, utterly contrived.  to waste that much time on a character we’ve never seen before and don’t care about, in the last two hours of your five-season show...incredible.

morgana’s army.  they outnumber camelot’s forces “five to one.”  where did they come from?  how did she amass such a force?  in season 4 she was losing all her allies - the episode with annis and caerleon was specifically designed to show us how people were turning from her methods and aligning with arthur.  and then she spent two years in a pit.  how did she amass such a force in such a short period of time?  what could she offer them?  why do they fight for her?  there is no explanation of who the “saxons” are or what they want - the show just needed an army for camlann.

aithusa.  aithusa was, apparently, just a vehicle to enable mordred to obtain a blade forged in the dragon’s breath.  beyond that, he served no purpose.  he literally just vanishes, along with that entire storyline - the future of the dragons, everything - just dropped, forgotten, never mentioned again.

morgana in the crystal cave.  “gee, i finally caught merlin, the guy who’s supposed to be my doom.  i think i’ll just...trap him behind some rocks.  wouldn’t want to kill him, while i have him completely powerless and at my mercy.  how then would he escape from this super powerful magical cave and ensure that the next step in this impossibly weak plot unfolds?”

the crystal cave itself.  what is the entire point of this detour?  killing time while arthur and merlin are separated?  i mean, the whole “merlin loses his magic for all of five minutes” thing was a contrivance itself, just to ensure that merlin and arthur had a reason to be separated during the battle.  but even putting that aside, once merlin is in there, and balinor says ‘you have to go into the light to discover who you truly are, you have power of which you cannot conceive’ - what purpose did that serve?  all we see merlin do once he gets to camlann is call down some lightning.  he’s done that before.  he...he did that in season one.  

the entire detour in the crystal cave changed nothing.  it was a contrivance to mark time so merlin didn’t arrive at camlann at the same time as everybody else.

arthur at camlann.  the idea that we are supposed to believe that arthur somehow finds himself all alone on that battlefield, long enough for mordred to sneak up on him and stab him and for him not be found by a single other human being until merlin shows up.  he is the KING.  there is no conceivable circumstance where his army lets him go wandering around by himself after the battle has been mostly won.  it doesn’t make sense.  it isn’t believable.  it’s a contrivance to make sure mordred has an opportunity to get him.

“only the sidhe possess such magic.”  the SIDHE?????  you guys.  the last time we saw the sidhe was in that gooftastically wonderful filler episode where a pixie wanted to bone gaius.  you can’t - you just - you can’t center your entire ‘this is how we save arthur’ plan on a race of beings that we haven’t heard of since early season 3 and which we never knew anything more about than that they once possessed a farting princess.

“not without the horses.”  are you telling me.  that the reason they don’t make it to this fabulous isle in time.  is because.  their horses.  were conveniently scared away. that’s what killed the glorious once and future king.  the horses ran off.  

and the horses conveniently ran off because they were conveniently scared away by morgana, who conveniently happened to show up because she was conveniently put in a position to extract information from someone who conveniently knew where arthur was going - all of this, of course, predicated on the impossible-to-believe assumption that a) gwen would ever tell anybody where arthur was going, when the stakes were this high, when nobody needed to know and camelot had already fallen prey to spies multiple times, and b) that gwaine and percival would, if they did for some reason know where arthur was headed, be so foolish as to literally serve themselves up to morgana on a plate, when they know that the whole point of this scheme is that they WANT morgana to hang out in brineved wasting her time in order to allow arthur to reach the isle safely. 

I SAY AGAIN: if your plot point cannot function without making characters do things we just do not believe they would do, you can’t use it.  you can’t.  you have to revisit what you’re doing.  you can’t just make anything happen that you want to in order to drive the story to the place you want it to go.  it has to make sense.

kilgharrah.  is called just in time to deliver a pat explanation of the ending, but not in time to shuttle arthur over to the isle?  merlin could have called for a ride ages ago. merlin and arthur weren’t traveling fast, or far.  it’s not like kilgharrah was having that much trouble getting around.  we see that he handles carrying the two of them just fine.  we see that he flies away, zoop, no problem.  there is no reason for him not to have been called even a single hour sooner, other than that the plot demanded that he could not be, because the plot demanded that arthur not get there in time.  

it breaks the boundaries of disbelief.  it takes you right out of the story.  it reminds you, inappropriately, that all of this is a thing someone planned (poorly).  all of it is contrived.

ii. dropped plotlines

i can’t believe i actually have to say this.  

i’ve seen tv shows tank before, but usually, when tv shows tank, it’s just that the quality of their writing has declined, and they’ve resorted to resolving their plotlines in ill-conceived ways. 

i have never, in my life, seen a tv show DROP all of its major plotlines before it ends.  i have never seen a tv show just.  FORGET.  to address their premise.  never.  i still can’t believe it actually happened.  i’m sitting here trying to remember if the merlin finale was actually some kind of anxiety-induced fever dream i had while i was gearing myself up to watch the last few episodes.  

merlin bbc had, at its outset, two major plotlines.  these would be supplemented later by other throughlines (many of which were also dropped), but the two major ones always stayed the same, one for arthur and one for merlin:

for arthur, the question of him one day becoming the greatest king in history and uniting the land of albion 

for merlin, the question of him one day liberating the magical community from oppression and being able to live free from fear

those were the two constant throughlines in this show, from episode one.  the struggle to unite the land of albion, and the struggle to make the land a free and just one for ALL of its people, not just those without magic.  

this show, somehow, ended without actually addressing either of these things.

it’s amazing.  i don’t even know how they managed it.  somehow, this show ended without actually ending.

to elaborate on this (and other dropped plots):

a) the once and future king: we never see a united albion.  the show is driving at it, in seasons 4 and 5, when arthur makes peace with annis in S4, and then gets annis’s permission to travel through her lands in 5.01, and then helps Mithian’s father in S5, and makes peace with odin in 5.04, and then tries to make peace with the sarrum in 5.08, and it’s all making sense, and you expect that plotline to continue until we see its eventual fulfillment at the end of the show.  you would expect, if this were supposed to be such an important thing, that the big struggle at the end of the series would have been all the peoples of albion united together against a threat.  

but we never see any of these kingdoms again.  we never hear a peep out of them. no one ever mentions them.  it’s like they all just vanished into the wind.  as far as we’re aware, camelot fights morgana’s army on their own - it’s like annis and odin and godwyn and rodor and those five kings that came together to sign the treaty in 2.10 never existed.  

the dragon says at the end, “all you have dreamt of building has come to pass,” but we’re just like - WHERE?  we literally didn’t see it!  it was never shown to happen! you can’t just say that the most important outcome of your five-season series happened when it never did!  it demonstrably NEVER DID!  you can’t…..oh my god, you can’t...try to end your show offscreen, lol; i don’t know what else to say!

look - this is something i wrote before i knew how the series ended, when i was considering the possibility of arthur dying:

i wrote that before i even knew what happened.  that’s not the result of, you know, retroactive complaining because they killed a character and i didn’t like it.  i was doubting the idea that they would even be able to kill arthur, because i legitimately didn’t believe the show had shown us the uniting of albion yet (and they hadn’t, lol).  

it just...it truly doesn’t make sense.  something got tangled as they approached these last episodes.  in 5.10, finna tells merlin, “without you, emrys, arthur cannot build the new world we all long for,” indicating that it hasn’t been built yet.  but that scene takes place just a few weeks before the finale - you’re saying “the new world” hadn’t yet been accomplished at that point, but now, a few week later, it has?  arthur didn’t DO ANYTHING in that interval!  we saw camelot fight off a bunch of invaders (alone) like they’ve done a billion times before.  there was nothing to hint that now albion is united.  

and if finna was referring to the “new world” meaning a magical world, i mean - arthur didn’t do anything to build that, either.  he died.

something happened.  some wire got crossed.  i don’t know what it was, but it meant that the show ended without actually closing out Main Plotline #1.  

b) one day, we will be free: this show also somehow managed to end without addressing the plight of the magical community, which was THE central conflict of the show for all five seasons.  more than that, it was the show’s premise - it was how they crafted their entire idea; it was one of two defining features of their pitch to BBC: that they would “wind back the clock” to when the characters were young, and that magic in this universe would be outlawed.  

they literally abandoned the show’s premise.  the episode directly preceding the finale was entirely about camelot’s wrongdoing and the right of magic-users to stand up and fight for their rights.  it is not a crime to fight for the right to be who you are.  and then we literally never heard a word about this struggle again.  it was dropped like a hot sack of bricks.  

IMPOSSIBLE. 

and yet 

it’s just left, twisting in the wind.  we have no idea what happened.  the one and only glimpse of camelot that we get at the end of this show has nothing to do with magic; it’s grim and somber people chanting ‘long live the queen’ in the throne room.  and then we’re gone from that place, forever, never to return.  it’s like they don’t even remember that ‘freedom for magical folk!’ was the driving source of conflict for the entire show.  you would never have known that “magical oppression” was ever a feature in this show, if you just watched the end.  camelot’s wrongs are never addressed, never referred to, never amended.  the fate of the magical community is never hinted at.  we don’t have any inkling of what happened to those people.  we literally do not even have any indication of whether the magic ban was lifted.  

it’s like none of that ever existed.  it’s like the show just FORGOT its entire premise. 

this truly might be the most unbelievable thing about the finale, for me.  i’m still having trouble wrapping my head around it.  in a roomful of writers and editors and producers, not a single person pointed out “hey uhhhh...we haven’t actually resolved either of our plots?”

i was exposed to enough vague reactions from fans to expect the finale to be disappointing.  i assumed that the show would resolve its major plotlines in ways that i either didn’t approve of or found unsatisfying.  

i did NOT expect them not to resolve their major plotlines at all.

i have never seen a tv show literally forget to end.  never.  never seen that happen before in my life.

c.) i am the last of my kind: the reveal of merlin as a dragonlord ushered in a third important plotline - his responsibility to the dragons, his duty to protect them and help them thrive.  and the question was always ‘all right, so as a dragonlord, how is merlin going to ensure the survival of the dragons as a species, since they’ve been almost exterminated - .’  and that was also dropped.  like a hot potato.  like it never was.  we never get clarity on what the heck was going on with aithusa, and then at camlann, aithusa just vanishes.  gone.  literally never to be seen, mentioned, or wondered about again.

d) i am old, merlin: this is a smaller thing, but in 5.10 the show starts this subplot about kilgharrah being unwell and merlin suddenly confronting the idea that kilgharrah is not, in fact, immortal.  and it was actually very poignant and made me emotional despite how kilgharrah kind of drives us insane.  they set us up for the idea that we are going to lose him.  they set us up to expect that we will eventually see merlin arrive at a place where he doesn’t have that voice in his ear anymore, kind of like when luke goes to cloud city and obi-wan can’t help him.  

but then, in the finale, kilgharrah just shows up like he always does, and there’s no mention of anything that came before.  he’s fine.  

it’s - it’s inconsistent, it’s not appropriate; there’s no emotional throughline.  the exchange they have in 5.10 is such a beautiful moment, when a wavering merlin asks “what will i do without you?”

and kilgharrah says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world, “you will remember me.”

that’s such a powerful thing.  for someone like merlin, for someone who has lost so many people who mattered to him - you can feel that line expand to cover miles and miles of ground.  it’s about more than just kilgharrah.

but having kilgharrah then show up at the end of the finale to deliver his neat little explanatory summary the same way he always does dilutes that previous moment down to almost non-meaning.  there’s no emotional consistency.  they emotionally prep us for this figure’s departure, and instead he shows up, the same as always, with no reference to the fact that a few episodes ago we were getting ready to watch him leave us. 

it’s not good writing.  it just isn’t good writing.

iii. i want you to always earn your ending

i think it’s hard to come to grips with the idea that bbc merlin was specifically a show whose kind of...big premise was being a deliciously torturous slow burn up to some massive and long-awaited reveal, and then it fizzled just before it gave the audience what it had been leading up to for five seasons.  it’s really just...wow.  i’ve seen shows fizzle before, obviously, but the fact that this one was specifically built on the idea that you were waiting for something momentous (and inevitable!) to happen - which then doesn’t happen?  that’s just...hoo boy.   

the long-awaited, promised “payoff” doesn’t happen in any way that is convincing or satisfying or remotely plausible.  it’s a little walk in the woods, and it ultimately doesn’t matter, because as soon as it’s over, so is the show, and everybody except merlin is long dead.  

not with a bang, but with a whimper, indeed.

for a show that had its audience waiting on tenterhooks for five seasons for merlin’s secret to be stripped away, the fact that the show’s biggest “payoff” ended up carrying so little weight and feeling so unconvincing is truly a shame.  there was no way for the show to give this concept the weight it deserved by flying through it in thirty minutes.  the audience knows that there’s no way this could have been resolved so quickly, so everything that happens between the “reveal” (such as it was) and the end feels...false.  it doesn’t seem real.  it’s not believable.  it feels (again, to use the word that truly sums up the entire spirit of this finale) contrived.  rushed and squished together to be neatly tied up in the time they had available.

and that’s poor craftsmanship.  stories shouldn’t feel like ‘well, i needed to reach x destination no matter what, so i made this that and the other thing happen to ensure that we got there.’  a reader/viewer shouldn’t be able to sense the presence of the author.  they shouldn’t be able to feel the hand of god reaching in and arranging pieces to force a conclusion or extract an emotion that hasn’t been earned.  

stories, if they are crafted appropriately, should feel like they have no author at all.  like they just are.  like everything that happens is the natural next step to whatever came before, as if events could not possibly have unfolded any other way.  and i don’t feel like the “reveal” and arthur’s reaction to it met those criteria.  all the supposedly super sad and emotional moments they were having at the end made me feel absolutely nothing, because the things arthur says don’t feel real.  they haven’t been earned in-story.  i felt like i was watching that sequence from a hundred miles away...just like...clinical.  removed.  like i was taken completely out of the story.  like i was in the lighting booth of a theater watching some scripted scene play out below me.    

(and this might be the time to mention that this has NOTHING to do with the actors.  the entire cast was killing it.  they were AMAZING.  their performance threatened to wring emotion out of me even despite me being completely unconvinced by the idea of what was happening.)

but that aside - how can you stay immersed in something when you can feel the creator’s hand coming down and forcing a resolution that doesn’t make sense, that hasn’t been earned?  it snaps you right out of the suspension of disbelief that all stories require you to maintain in order for you to engage with them.  the writers needed arthur to say these things sometime before the end of the show, and so he says them, regardless of whether or not it would ever actually happen like that.  but i didn’t believe it, because it wouldn’t have happened like that, and so the emotional impact was zero.

here’s the truth: you can’t use lines like “i want you to always be you” and expect me to get weepy about it when you haven’t earned that kind of resolution.  it’s a false tearjerker.  the writers are relying on our previous emotional attachment to these characters and our burning desire to see merlin validated in order to slip a contrived resolution past us without actually doing the work to make it plausible.  they’re playing on our affections in order to cover up the structural shortcomings of the story they cobbled together.

i don’t like when a story tries to manipulate me like that.  i’m not going to play that game.

iv. you are destined to be albion’s greatest king (*thor face* are you, though?)

i think there are probably some people out there for whom arthur’s death would have been a dealbreaker no matter what the rest of the story looked like.  i respect that.

i’m in the camp where i could have accepted the ‘legend-compliant’ ending, if only it had been earned.  as it is, arthur is never allowed to fully realize himself before he dies.  the show keeps saying, and i quote, “one day you will be the greatest king this land has ever known,” but arthur skips off to avalon after having reigned for a whopping total of three years, during which time he is not shown to accomplish the only goal that was prophesied for him (uniting the land of albion) and during which time he also becomes further entrenched in his father’s anti-magic views (along with the hypocrisy of using magic for his own purposes), as opposed to ever seeing the error of his ways.  he doesn’t right his father’s wrongs.  he doesn’t usher in justice and freedom for all camelot’s people.  he doesn’t change the status quo in camelot much at all, to be honest - and then he dies.  and they try to tell us “there will never be another like [him].”

how?  how can that not fall completely flat?  he hasn’t accomplished his goal yet!  he hasn’t become what they’ve kept telling us he will become.  

so i can understand the ultimate plan of arthur shuffling off this mortal coil and being prophesied to return, and i could even accept that as an appropriate ending, but not when it hasn’t been earned.  the way it actually unfolded, watching this moment feels like we skipped a season somewhere.  it feels like a sham.

we’re being asked to give arthur credit for something he did not actually achieve, and it makes the whole thing feel like a farce.

v. gratuitousness and inconsistency

i had no emotional reaction when i realized they had actually killed gwaine.  

that is insane, because you know how much i love him.  but his death was so ridiculous that I actually started laughing in disbelief.  and that in and of itself should be a sign that something wasn’t working.  when your emotional beats are landing this wrong - falling this flat - something has slid fundamentally sideways with your storytelling. 

i laughed when they killed my favorite knight!  but what other reaction was i supposed to have?  it was laughably silly!  the premise itself was already foolish - that gwaine and percival would even come out here and endanger arthur in that way - and then gwaine dies because morgana used a nathair to extract information from him?  we’ve seen morgana use the nathair twice before!  she tortured elyan with it.  she used it on alator.  neither of them died.  it’s never been indicated that being tortured with this creature will kill you. which isn’t to say that it can’t be the case, but from a writing perspective, if you’re going to use a sudden inconsistency to kill a major character, it’s noticeable!  it’s jarring!  and it makes us feel, once again, that the writers just grasped at any little thing they could think of to make what they wanted to happen happen.

and then there’s the whole question of why they wanted gwaine to die in the first place.  what purpose did it serve?  gwaine didn’t have to die in order for morgana to get the information the writers wanted her to have.  and you’d assume that if they still killed him after that, that there would be a reason for it, or that it would at least...matter, somehow, but - WE LITERALLY NEVER HEAR ABOUT HIM AGAIN LOL.  i wasn’t even sure he was dead at first.  that’s how insignificant it felt.  i felt like zuko in the ember island players.

that’s it.  we never see him or percival again after that scene.  there’s this weird moment where percival examines a footprint and the implication is that he’s going to follow morgana or something, but then it never happens.  it’s like the showrunners ran out of time and were like ‘ok well, we just won’t be able to get back to that dangling thread.’  they gratuitously axed their most developed knight and then forgot they did it.

that’s why i laughed.  it was so unbelievably bad - there was literally nothing else for me to do.

vi. let the bodies hit the floor (but like, anticlimactically)

i don’t feel like i need to examine mordred and morgana’s fates too closely, because i suspect the subject of “they deserved better” has already been done to death, and that’s kind of a different conversation than what i’m dealing with here.  i’m not here right now to argue that they should have lived (though of course, yeah, i have my opinions on what would have made a better story), i’m just here to deal with how ineffectively the story we did get was executed.

one thing that amazes me is that when i watched the S5 deleted scenes, i realized that the showrunners did in fact originally have the right ideas about making morgana and mordred’s arcs deeper/more nuanced, but somehow these ideas never made it into the final cut.  there are two deleted scenes that change so much about what could have been - one where arthur and merlin are talking about morgana and arthur is expressing regret and confusion about what happened to her, and merlin says it’s not arthur’s fault, that “there were others better placed to help morgana,” indicating his own guilty feelings.

and the other one was after mordred defected to morgana, where he has a whole conversation with her about how he thinks there is still GOOD in arthur!!!!  he’s uncertain about what he’s doing!  I JUST

i can’t believe

they had the seeds

of this better story

and they consciously decided not to pursue them.  it’s not like they didn’t have the idea.  it’s not like they just never thought of it.  they thought of it, filmed it, and deliberately removed it.  unfathomable.

it’s also pretty remarkable that the big baddie they’ve been touting for the last three seasons just pegs out from a stab wound in about 5 seconds as we’re being hustled on to something else.  there is no space devoted to morgana’s death scene (such as it was…).  it’s a parenthesis.  it feels like, ‘oh we gotta get this out of the way quick hurry up let’s move on.’  

and the thing is, i am not wholly opposed to the idea of morgana ultimately destroying herself - it’s not necessarily my first choice, but there are ways they could have gone that route and still told a meaningful story - but if they wanted to go that way, her death would have to matter.  it would have to be treated like the terrible failure it represents.  it would have to be given the weight of tragedy.

but structurally, the way this scene is set up, there is no way for this to happen.  the viewers are already hyper-strung out on tension, when she appears, because they’re suddenly starting to get this horrible realization that one of the show’s two central characters might actually be about to die, but nobody wants to stop clinging to hope despite their bad feelings so there’s just this desperate, screamingly loud ticking clock running in the background, and when morgana shows up in the middle of that clenching fear, there’s absolutely no way her death can receive the attention she deserves.  the audience doesn’t have room for something like that.  they don’t have room to feel anything on top of what they’re already feeling.  they’re already about to explode.  they’re already maxed out on investment.  they can’t focus on her; they want her to disappear because something more urgent is going on.

and so the show hustles us past her, and her death is just this blip.  it barely registers. if you sneezed, you would miss it.

(and then mordred, for his part, doesn’t even have the benefit of a structural problem to explain the anticlimax of his death.  he just gets taken out like the trash.  for a character that they just spent all this time developing and making sympathetic - boy.)

i think...the thing, ultimately, is this: if this show truly felt that what they had to do was take their previously hopeful premise and stun their audience with the death of the hero, then they should have understood that trying to stack other things on top of that is too much.  trying to squash morgana’s death right up against arthur’s is foolish.  it’s ridiculous to expect your audience to be able to process morgana’s death and arthur’s in-progress dying at the same time.  these two things happen within two minutes of each other.  the audience has been following these characters for five years.  it’s unreasonable to expect your audience to hold so much emotion at once.  

vii. you’ll just have to trust me

the last thing i want to say is a more general thing.  

the rest of this analysis focused on the ways in which the finale is poorly-crafted, rather than on my personal feelings about who they did dirty.  it’s not really about my own personal thoughts re: the merits of killing gwaine and morgana and mordred and arthur or stranding merlin across the centuries; it’s about if these things (and all the other things in these episodes) were done effectively, and the answer, sadly, is no.  the show could have killed all these people and still written something i would have respected (even though it would have been devastating), but that’s not what happened.

but here, at the end, i think i can make room for a little sentiment.  

so what i want to reflect on here is this: ultimately, i don’t end up rejecting stories just because they do things i don’t like.  the pre-finale episodes were filled with things i didn’t like.  i hated how merlin turned mordred and kara in instead of letting them run.  i hated how he let the execution proceed.  i hated how arthur refused to see the injustice of his own actions.  i hated how merlin was getting so wrapped up in ‘make sure arthur doesn’t die’ that everything else was fading away, that he was doing things he could never have done in good conscience before.  but i was still deeply wrapped up in these stories, because i believed they were plausible and true.  i accepted them.  it made sense to me, that these things would be happening, dark and unpleasant as they were.

i don’t start rejecting stories just because they go places i don’t want them to go.  i start rejecting stories when i feel they’ve betrayed my trust.  

writers and readers/viewers can only ever move together if they trust each other.  i allow stories to take me places i don’t want to go because i trust the authors to keep me safe while we travel.  i know that they may take me somewhere i don’t want to be, but i trust that they will never take me somewhere i don’t need to be.  i trust that they are taking me somewhere intentionally, with the story’s integrity in mind.  a creator i trust can take their story anywhere, because i know they will take care.  a creator i trust can end their story tragically, because they remember that i am experiencing it alongside them.  they don’t surprise-punt me off the edge of the cliff so i can crash, alone, into the painful conclusion.  they carry me the whole way, and by the time we get to the end of the line, we can both look back and see that the road that led us here was straight and true.  i don’t fault them for taking me here.  it was the right place to go.

the end of merlin didn’t feel like that to me.  putting aside the fact that it was all so contrived that it didn’t even feel real (illustrated clearly enough in the ten pages above) - the truth is that even if it had displayed the highest quality writing in the world, the way this show ended felt like the audience had been abandoned.  the bond of trust between the creator and the consumer was severed.  the show forgot to take care.

i’m a ‘galaxy far far away’ girl first and foremost, so i’ll borrow an excerpt from the world according to star wars in order to make my point:

kasdan: i think you should kill luke and have leia take over.

lucas: you don’t want to kill luke.

kasdan: okay, then kill yoda.

lucas: i don’t want to kill yoda.  you don’t have to kill people.  you’re a product of the 1980’s.  you don’t go around killing people.  it’s not nice.

kasdan: no, i’m not.  i’m trying to give the story some kind of edge to it…

lucas: by killing somebody, i think you alienate the audience. (x)

i think merlin forgot this.  

i’m not saying that merlin shouldn’t have killed anybody at the end of their show.  i’m not even saying that they shouldn’t have killed arthur.  i’m saying that they forgot to take care.

merlin bbc betrayed their audience.  you cannot take a show whose underlying theme has consistently been the promise of better things and then turn around and end it like that without taking special care of the people who are watching.  you cannot just take an audience who has spent five years listening to someone bright and full of unflinching hope say - without any indication that anyone should doubt the certainty of this statement - “one day things will be better” and expect them to walk into this kind of ending safely.   

by killing someone, i think you alienate the audience.  and this doesn’t mean that nobody can ever die.  but it does mean that if you’re going to kill someone, you have to understand that there is going to be an automatic pain reaction from your viewers/readers/etc, and if you want to maintain their trust, you have to take so much care.  you have to be sure that you know exactly what you’re doing.  you have to be sure that it’s the right thing.  the only thing.  you have to make sure that it doesn’t betray the fundamental promises you’ve made whilst crafting the rest of your story.

the end of merlin is truly stunning in a) its utter reversal/unfulfillment of every major promise that comprised its premise and b) the casualness with which it throws its characters away in the last episode.  it’s not just “killing someone.” it’s a slaughter.  we have to watch almost half the cast die onscreen, and then at the very end literally everybody is dead except merlin himself.

and this is merlin!  not game of thrones!  merlin is a “family show;” that’s what the writers/directors/producers keep calling it when you listen to the episode commentaries and they talk about how they can’t show certain things or make it too bloody.  they wanted to follow in the tradition of “big, kind of epic family-entertaining shows, that—across generations—work on lots of different levels.”  but i cannot imagine a young person who has watched this show for five years coming into the finale to see mordred and gwaine and morgana and arthur violently executed, and to see gwen in mourning, and merlin anguished and then more alone than he ever was even when he was hiding his secret, and then, whoop, there’s the credits, that’s all folks.  aren’t you glad you got on this ride? 

the show ends without fulfilling any of the promises it made repeatedly for years.  the liberation of magic, the uniting of albion, and, for merlin, especially, the long-predicted day when he would be known and recognized for who he was - all forgotten.  all abandoned.  the finale finishes without giving the audience any of the things that they have spent five years being told to expect.  the show rewards five years of emotional investment with death and desolation.  it breaks all of its promises. it doesn’t take care.

i was lucky enough to have been so disconnected by how shockingly bad these episodes were that i mostly sat there shock-laughing at them in disbelief, the first time i watched.  but going through them again to put this write-up together was just like - that’s when a deep sadness kicked in, for me.  not at the ending itself, exactly, because, as i’ve said before, it was so poorly put-together that i can’t even see it as real.  but just - at the idea that i still had to see it, period.  that i had to witness this thing that i loved so much descend into this misery, for all that i didn’t recognize it as something plausible or true.  that i still had to watch merlin drag arthur all over creation, still trying, still scrabbling for that sliver of hope, only to have arthur bite the dust like ten feet from their destination.  that all merlin ever wanted in his life was to be accepted and loved for who he is, and that he put all of this on hold so he could (supposedly) bring about a world where it would be possible, and then he never gets it.  that a life of hiding himself and believing that everybody around him hated who he was inside - that was as good as it was ever going to get, for him.  

the writers just - piled it on.  ‘you can watch mordred die, even though we just went to all this effort to make you root for him!  and now you can watch gwaine die (why????? we don’t know!!! it doesn’t change the story, but why don’t you watch it happen anyway!).  and now you can watch morgana die!  but don’t look too long, because arthur is dying!  and now you can see camelot cold and in mourning - but only for one second, because now you can see merlin, who we never showed meeting any of his friends ever again, wandering around as a solitary old man thousands of years after everybody else is dead and the universe we spent the last five seasons living in no longer exists!!!!!!’

unbelievable.  

it doesn’t upset me in the sense of “it’s so terrible that the story ended that way” because i know it didn’t, really.  it was contrived and false enough that i laughed through most of the episode.  i know it isn’t the way things would have gone, and i won’t have any trouble forgetting it; whereas if it had been well-done, i wouldn’t have been able to dismiss it so easily.  but i still had to watch it, regardless.  you’re forced to watch it, because you care, and the creators know you care enough not to look away, and they use that trust to keep you glued there while they gut-punch you over and over and over again and then peace out without concluding any of their plotlines, saying, “isn’t it clever???  we really fooled you, didn’t we?  technically, we fulfilled the prophecies - nobody ever said any of the characters would get to enjoy the new world they would build!  i bet you’re so surprised!”

it leaves you stunned.  

it’s so...mean.  

it’s so careless.

i don’t have any desire to subject myself to that a second time.  after i’m done with this post, i know i’m never going to watch those episodes again.  they weren’t good, first of all; and if you need more clarification on that, please see the first ten pages of this document.  but more importantly, i don’t feel the need to subject myself once again to the callous disregard for the trust i gave this show’s creators.  

if i’m supposed to trust a creator to carry me over rough terrain, i’m trusting them to carry me all the way to the end.  they can’t violently dump me to the ground two feet before the finish line, run me over with an ATV, and then expect me to willingly climb back into their arms.

viii: if you want something done right

in conclusion, i guess the one nice thing about this is that we can crawl the last two feet ourselves.  

for me, sadly, i think canon!merlin is always going to end at 5.11.  the last two episodes don’t feel believable to me.  i couldn’t watch them and be convinced that i was watching something plausible; i felt like i was watching two hours of scripted theater.  which is, of course, what we’re always doing - but if the story had been crafted appropriately, we shouldn’t have realized it.  we shouldn’t have been able to feel the writer’s hand reaching in and making improbable things happen.  we shouldn’t have been laughing in disbelief as supposedly “sad” things were happening in front of us, and we definitely shouldn’t have been almost falling off the couch because the last scene was so jarring we thought it was an advertisement. (the TRUCK, people.  blaring across the screen and bulldozering through medieval fantasy-adventure show merlin bbc.  nothing on earth or in high heaven could have prepared me for that moment.)

but the one good thing about a piece of media that ended so unsatisfactorily is that it lights a fire under people’s butts to go ahead and sort of...row the boat themselves.  i was afraid, before i watched this, that seeing it would make me never want to go back to merlin again.  i put off finishing season 5 for an entire year because i was in the middle of writing a fic and i thought that if the end of the show upset me, i would never want to write another word.  but now that i’m finished, i’m relieved to be able to say that the finale, while it will always be a bitterly disappointing sore spot, was also SO laughably bad that i don’t feel the slightest compunction about just...letting it lie unrecognized.  if it were well-crafted and i was just ignoring it because it made me sad, i’d feel guilty for being petty.  but it was Just Actually That Bad, so my conscience is clear.  

and so is the path to more fun things, i hope, because that is the point of fandom, in the end, to have fun with something you love in the company of other people who love it the same way.

i hope i haven’t written the last merlin thing i’ll ever write.  i hope there’s more inside me that i want to say.  i hope i haven’t come in too late to make connections.  i hope i’ll enjoy rewatching (most of) this show someday.  i couldn’t imagine that any of these things would be true, when i knew the end was going to be a let-down, but now that i’ve finished, i feel like there’s infinite room to play, and that, at least, makes me smile.

i’ve said before that this was a hell of a ride.  it ended in a trainwreck, sure, but i’m not sorry i got on.

[emily-strange]

Growing Pains...

Sooo I kicked off something that I’ve never written before haha I hope it’s okay!

Summary: Emmy has been with the gang since she was a little girl. Her mother moved on, leaving her to be raised by Dutch, Hosea and Susan. Arthur and John are her brothers (argue and she will fight you). Becoming a woman is hard when everyone still sees you as a child. Since the Blackwater mess she’s trying to find her feet while dealing with her new feelings for the gangs resident douchebag.

Tagging @strwxberrymilk @porkchop-ao3 @arthursgirl @angelsjudge and @scy77a but if you’d like to stop being tagged just let me know! :) Also if anyone else would like to be tagged just say the word xx

Pairing: Slow burn Micah x female OC.

Warnings: Swearing, comments alluding to abuse, sexual themes and a racial slur.

Chapter 15

“So as far as first shootout’s go, I’d say it went pretty well.” I declare to Arthur through gritted teeth.

“Yeaah went real well. Despite the fact yer now have’a new hole in yer leg.” Arthur replies without a modicum of humour.

“I can NOT believe you let this young lady run into a firefight, Mr Morgan. I expected this from the likes of Mr Bell but not you!” Miss Grimshaw chimes in while she wraps up my left thigh. The bullet was a through and through so I managed to avoid any sort of “surgery” and the slug was of a small caliber, so really, all in all, it could’ve been so much worse.

“I’m fine Sus-AN”I yelp after one very firm tug of the bandage, “Was that necessary!?”

Miss Grimshaw doesn’t answer me but gathers her supplies and with one last stern look, storms from the tent shaking her head and muttering under her breath.

Arthur laughs and shakes his head.

I maneuver my leg so it’s a bit more comfortable on my cot and Arthur sits on a crate next to me.

“You’re covered in blood by the way.” I state as I start to feel the effects of the whiskey coursing through my veins.

He huffs at me and replies, “Yea, well that happn’s when yer lugging people about with blood comin’ outta them.”

And then in my hazy state I remember.

“Lenny’ll be okay right?” I ask in a whisper.

“Ooh yeaa I was only jokin’ sweetheart. His wounds’a no worse than yers, just happens ta be in his shootin’ arm. He’ll live.” Arthur reassures with a hand on my cheek, “Now you sleep.”

“Tell everyone I owe them a drink okay?” I say back, feeling my eyes start to drop closed, “I did good dn’t I Art?” I slur.

All I register before I fall asleep is Arthur quietly chuckling and kissing my forehead.

We storm the ranch, guns blazing.

The rush running through me is unreal.

I’ve never been in a shootout and you know what, it’s not something I fancy doing again.

“Stay behind me.” Arthur growls as we push forward. There aren’t a lot of men but they appear to be well stocked with weapons, so we’re all planted in one spot pretty quickly. I’m with Arthur and Charles while the others are spread out alone.

From not too far away, as I duck down after firing a shot, I can see Micah smirking at me from behind a wagon. He winks at me and I find his ability to remain jovial at a time like this almost impressive.

The sound of a soft voice saying “Knock knock” jerks me awake.

“Hey, can I come in?” Sadie asks from tent entrance.

I struggle to sit up and rub at my eyes while saying “sure”. She comes in and takes Arthur’s spot on the crate next to my cot. It takes me a second to register where I am. Drinking half a bottle of whiskey in one go will do that to you. Even if it’s starting to wear off.

“You ‘kay?” she asks me quietly and it’s then I register the dull ache in my leg. Not too painful yet, but a horrible promise of what’s to come.

“Not bad….you alright?” I can see that she’s changed from her previous clothes and her hairs wet. She must’ve gotten blood on her as well. Either from me or Lenny.

“Oh, you know me.” Sadie replies but she seems a bit distant.

“Sadie. What’s wrong?” I ask quietly. Sadie looks at me but avoids direct eye-contact until I reach out for her arm asking a silent, “What’s wrong?”

“You know I ain’t good with feelin’s since Jakey….I….I’ve tried ta shut ‘em off as it were.” Sadie starts and I can see unshed tears in her eyes, “But I wan’ed ta say that….I wan’ed to tell ya….that I’m proud. Of you. Very proud.”

Suddenly the emotions of the night, along with the ache in my thigh, come crashing down upon me and my own unshed tears start to fall.

There’s a break in the gunfire and everyone takes the opportunity to rush forward towards the house. I see Micah bashing some guy in the face while Sadie uses her knife to slit another guys throat.

I’ve not sure I’ve ever seen something so brutal. But really what did I expect? I just need to remind myself that these “men” deserve everything they get.

“I want at least one Arthur” I say loudly to him as Charles breaks off from the two of us. We’re crouching and shuffling forward quickly, trying to stay out of anyone’s line of sight.

Then all of a sudden, we hear it. A scream and John’s shout.

“LENNY’S HIT!” he yells over to us.

“GET’IM OUTTA HERE MARSTON!” Arthur shouts back and as I look forward, I see the smoke and barrel of a gun pointing out of an upstairs window.

A barrel that now points at my brother.

“ARTHUR” I scream to gain his attention and then aim my gun. I pull the trigger and after a few seconds, a man comes tumbling down to splat onto the ground in front of us.

Arthur clears his throat and looks back at me smirking, “Well….I’d say ya got one.”

“Well if that weren’t just the sexiest thing.” Micah shouts over to us, causing every other man around to snarl. However, they have no time to dwell on him because soon guns start firing again.

“Sadie” I murmur while holding her hand with my spare one, “I didn’t even really do anything. I got one guy.” I laugh, trying to ease the tension, but Sadie shakes her head.

“That’s not….you got us there….imagine if you hadn’t….” She says quietly squeezing my hand. All I can manage is a nod.

After what feels like forever the guns stop and the sick bastards are dead.

My gang start looting bodies and rifling through draws and cupboards while I look around….and maybe kick the odd body now and then. The place is disgusting. Absolutely vile.

I walk through the open plan kitchen/livingroom but trip after I stand on a particularly springy floorboard (that my feet weren’t expecting) that’s covered by an old faded rug. Annoyingly I trip straight into Micah’s arms who revels in my clumsiness. As usual.

“Woah now Miss. This ain’t the time ta be gettin’ frisky…..I mean we can but big brother over there might take some offence.” He drawls into my ear playfully and I push him back, knowing he’s just trying to get a rise out of Arthur.

I start to move the rug and mumble under my breath so he can hear, “Why couldn’t it have been Charles.”, causing Micah to fake his hurt in an over reacted clench of his heart.

“You wound me.” He gasps and despite myself, I laugh.

“Help me with this will you?” I ask and he makes a snide remark about “getting Charles to help” but ultimately relents when seeing my unamused face.

We pull back the rug to reveal a trap door.

“Looky looky” Micah whistles to himself and tugs up the heavy wood, which opens to a basement.

“Okay you wait here.” I say while I take a step forward but Micah puts his hand out in front of me.

“I don’t think so Missy. You won’t see a damn thing down there.” He scoffs and I motion to a lamp that’s been, luckily, undisturbed by the gunfire.

“Hand me that then.” I ask and he rolls his eyes, but does as I ask.

“Just don’t break a nail or nuthin’” he scoffs to himself and I just flip him off.

I slowly make my way down into the basemen and when I touch the floor I yell,

“Micah!! Get my brothers!”

Sadie squeezes my hand before kissing it.

“You did good. Be proud. We are.” She says quietly to me and I smile. I really smile.

“Thank you, Sadie.” I whisper through my emotional haze and she gets up slowly, making her way to the entrance of the tent. She stops before she exits and looks at me for a moment.

“Look. When you’re ready. Come see me okay? We’ll talk.”

I nod, knowing exactly what she means. Arthur did want me to talk to someone.

After Sadie leaves, I settle back down onto the cot and close my eyes. Willing myself to sleep away the increasing pain in my thigh.

When I descend the final step, I shine the lantern around as the smell from the basement makes me gag. What I see makes me cry out for Micah.

“Micah!! Get my brothers!” I yell and watch as the three young girls in front of me cower away on the furthest wall, “Fucking hell.” I whisper to myself and move to approach them.

“You’re okay. You’re safe now.” I try telling them but they huddle impossibly closer together and push themselves further back onto the wall. I think for a second that I should yell for Sadie. My gut reaction was my brothers but that’s just out of habit. I think this will need a woman’s help.

However, before I can yell for anyone else, I feel the cold, hard barrel of a gun pressed behind my head.

“You killed my men” comes a revolting voice behind me.

“Technically, I only killed one…” I reply but completely shut up once the barrel pushes painfully into my temple, “….okay so not the time for being a smartass, got it.”

“Emmy?” Arthur yells down into the basement but stops his movement at the hatch once he catches sight of the gun against my head.

“Yeah, I’m here….and um, I’ve made a friend.” I joke humourlessly as the man guides me up the basement stairs. Once we’re at the top I see that Arthur and John have brought Lenny inside as the others look around. He’s sat on a shot up sofa while my brother’s stand with their hands up and away from their guns.

“Just shoot him!” I shout at them. I’ll be damned if one of these assholes get away.

“Emmy, shut the fuck up.” John growls quietly and the little sister in me wants to hit him so bad. But the gun to my head keeps me firmly in place.

“Now this’s how it’s gonna go down. Imma get to one’ve ma horses with ya little lady here. We’re gonna ride off and once I know ya ain’t followin’, I’ll letta go. ‘kay?” the man snarls and from his breath alone I can tell he’s vermin.

Everyone takes a breath and you just know they’re waiting for Arthur.

“Now, that ain’t gonna happen friend.” He says sternly while keeping his hands away from his holster.

Suddenly the door blasts open and Micah, along with Sadie and Charles come barging in asking what’s taking so long. They instantly freeze and for once I see pure confusion on his face. He also looks at Arthur for the solution. Even if he’d never admit it.

“Who’s dumb idea was this anyway?” I hiss rhetorically but Micah just has to answers.

“Yours” he replies and even though I have a gun to my head, I roll my eyes, “Yes thank you Micah.”

Micah shrugs and Arthur gives everyone in the room a death glare.

“Everyone shut the hell up! And hands where I cn see em’! You too darky.” The man shouts and motions to Lenny.

“Do I look like I can fire a gun right now!?” Lenny snaps back holding his bloody upper arm.

Knowing what this man is and hearing how he speaks to Lenny makes me feel physically sick. But not just that, it makes me stupid with rage. I see red.

I decide there and then that if I’m going to die, I’ll be taking this fucker with me.

I move the hand that’s still holding the lantern back a bit, positioning it over this guys foot. And then I simply…..let go.

As soon as I do, I duck as much as I can in his grip and watch as the lantern hits his foot.

His gun fires. But so does everyone else’s.

It was all a big blur. One moment I’m ducking and elbowing this pervert in the dick as flames quickly engulf his leg and then the next, I’m on the floor with a hole in my thigh.

Everyone fires so the man is quickly riddled with bullets and lies burning on the floor. Charles grabs the rug and smothers the flames before they can spread further. Everyone else just remains in place, stunned.

The shock wears off quickly and the pain in my leg starts.

“WHO. THE FUCK. SHOT ME!?” I shout as Arthur throws himself to the ground to wrap his bandana around the wound. It’s quiet for a few seconds (other than my pathetic “ow ow ow’s”) and then a small voice pipes up from the corner.

“Um…I think that was me….” Lenny says timidly from his position on the sofa, a smoking gun still hanging from his pained hand.

“Why the fuck did you shoot!?” Micah shouts at Lenny and Charles jumps to his defense, “Everyone shot! Could have been anyone….”

Unfortunately, Micah wasn’t having any of it and argues back. Then Arthur joins in…..and then John who was annoyed at Arthurs handling of the situation…..then Lenny sticks up for Arthur….who turns his anger onto Micah for bringing this whole thing upon us.

It was ridiculous.

The only people not making any noise are me and Sadie who catches my eye from across the room, causing us both to burst into laughter. Making all the men stop.

“My first gunshot and it was given to me…..by Lenny!?” I say wheezing through my laughter as Arthur helps me up. I stumble as I struggle not to put too much weight on my left leg.

“Could’ve been worse!” Arthur says sternly to me and I just pat his face like you would a child who’s too riled up.

“Yeah, yeah” I whisper looking away and remembering what caused all of this.

“They’re holding girls down there.” I say grimly looking from the basement to the others around me.

“Girls?” Sadie says taking a large step forward to me and I nod.

“Three of them….they look around 12/13 years old.” I whisper to her.

Sadie nods and orders the men out before turning to me softly, “Let’s go get them.”

“Hey…..hey!” Micah barks as he shakes me awake.

“God damn Micah!” I growl after I’ve gathered my bearings, “You could’ve woken me up nicely!”

“Oh yeah…how would you want me to wake you up then?” Micah drawls while wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“Try not at all” I say sickly sweet back to him. He’s taken residence on the very popular crate by my bed.

Micah scoffs and turns away from me scratching the back of his neck. He’s not wearing his hat and he’s changed into his black shirt, the one I borrowed. He shakes his head while turning his gaze to the ground.

“You okay?” I ask quietly when he fails to look back at me, “Micah?”

I reach out and touch his arm, but doing so pulls at my leg, causing me to hiss. Micah snaps his attention back to me.

“Hey don’t go movin’ around! You gotta be more careful.” He barks again and moves further towards me, placing my hand on his arm where I was reaching for him. I smile.

“You sound like Arthur” I chuckle despite the pain in my thigh.

“Pfft. Guess he can’t always be wrong then.” Micah scoffs and looks at the bandage on my thigh. “I still can’t believe that idiot shot you!”

“It’s not like he meant to and anyways I’m lucky he wasn’t using his own gun. Just one he found on the ground. Might’ve been a lot worse otherwise.” I sigh looking down at where my skirt is ridden up. I no longer have my cut off union trousers under it so one thigh is completely bare while the other one is covered in bandages. I catch Micah looking.

“Hey”, I snap my fingers at him, “My eyes are up here buddy.”

I expect some witty retort but instead he picks up the hand that lies on his arm….and kisses it. His mustache tickles my knuckles and the feeling makes me sigh happily. For a short moment I close my eyes and forget about the hole under the bandages.

“You did good out there.” He eventually says in a whisper. If he wasn’t so close I’d of never heard him.

“Thank you” I reply giving him a sleepy smile. I shift a bit and wince at the pull in my thigh.

“You want some more whiskey?” Micah asks me and I shake my head.

“Nah, it’s making me feel a bit sick. I just need to sleep….which I was doing very well I’ll have you know.” I say narrowing my eyes are him. Micah laughs and shifts even closer.

“You know…I could make you feel a whole lot better without whiskey.” Micah whispers into my ear and I shiver at the sensation of his breath on my neck. Micah puts his large calloused palm on my good thigh and lets his thumb graze over my knee.

“Micah” I whisper, instantly feeling my underwear become wet, “I was shot like, three hours ago.”

Micah kisses from my ear down to the side of my neck and back up again. He delicately licks at my ear and nibbles on my lob before saying “Mmhm and I think that means you deserve somethin’ don’t you? For doin’ so good….savin’ those girls….you did real good.”

As much as I’d go to my grave denying it, Micah’s praise is doing something to me. I lie my head back and close my eyes, giving into the sensation of his large fingers skimming my inner thigh. The only problem is he’s said the word that I’ve heard one too many times to feel good.

“Thing is Micah,” I whisper opening my eyes. I run my hand up into his hair and pull his head back to look me in the eyes. I lick my lips and plunge forward connecting my lips to his in a brief, heated, dominating kiss. One that, if it had a winner, would be me. I nip his bottom lip as we detach, “I don’t like being told what I ‘deserve’.” I finish by licking along the seams of his lips and let go of his hair.

I settle back into my cot and gently take his hand from my inner thigh and press it to my soaked underwear.

“Fuck” Micah sighs under his breath and I can see the tell-tale signs of him growing hard in his trousers. His eyes snap to mine as I start to gently rut against his fingers which I’ve maneuvered to press against my aching clit.

“You see….” I whisper to Micah as I pick up the pace as much as I can with my injured leg, “…..telling me what I ‘deserve’ makes it feel like I’m being gifted something…..” I continue to rub his fingers against me and I can see Micah rub his erection through the fabric of his trousers. His eyes haven’t moved from where his hand has disappeared up my skirt.

“……when the reality is…..” I pause a moment while I slip my underwear to the side and allow one of Micah’s thick fingers to enter me, “…..I take what I want. Not what men think I ‘deserve’”

My tent is filled with the sounds of Micah quietly grunting as he palms himself and the wet, slick noise of his finger being moved in and out of my tight heat. When I feel that I’m ready, I move another of his fingers to push into me and once I feel adjusted, I snap my fingers at Micah to grab his attention.

Micah watches with his mouth hanging open as I lick my own essence from my fingers. I then lie back and hold the top of my cot before asking huskily, “You know what to do right?”

It takes a moment for Micah to come to his senses but when he does, he snaps his mouth closed and lunges for my lips. While he kisses me, a kiss that I allow him to control, his fingers begin to move inside me.

“Yer so fucking wet,” he growls in my ear and the sensation sends shockwaves all the way down to my core, “and tight. Jesus, so tight.” Micah’s other hand moves to his belt and I grab the wrist of his hand currently fucking me. He stops and looks at me.

“No….this is mine remember.” I say to him cockily, “I’m happy to finish alone. But I will admit I’d rather ride your fingers than mine.”

Micah removes the hand from his belt and moves to tower over me on the cot. His right-hand resumes fingering me while his left moves to clutch at the top of the cot near my head. He very, very carefully places his knee on the cot, making sure to avoid my injured thigh.

“You like being in charge?” he hisses at me while his fingers move faster and faster, “That’s fine…..for now.” Micah moves his thumb to my clit and starts applying just the right amount of pressure. I grab the sides of his face and pull his lips to mine to quieten my moans and then grab at his shirt to keep him in place.

“Faster” I gasp between kisses and Micah obliges, “Fuck, you feel so good.” I praise and I’m sure I see his eyes light up, “Don’t stop.” Micah shakes his head and kisses at my neck again while my free hand finds purchase in his long hair.

I feel myself climb higher and higher towards my peak as Micah kisses and nibbles along my neck. I know he wants to sink his teeth in but he also knows that wouldn’t end well. Micah wants more than his fingers inside me one day and if he pushes too far, he knows he’ll lose that opportunity. Micah’s an idiot, but he’s not stupid.

“You like my fingers darlin’?” Micah drawls as he pulls back to look at me. I nod eagerly and whimper the closer I get. Micah moves his free hand to my face and brushes his thumb down to my lips which I eagerly take into my mouth and suck. “Fuckin’ hell baby….keep doin’ that….” When I stop sucking, Micah adds a quick “please.”

Micah’s fingers, along with his hot breath on my face as he pants and his thumb moving in and out of my mouth, causes me to hit my high and I cum. Hard. I grab the wrist under my skirt and still his hand which I grind against to ride out the final waves of pleasure.

I bite down hard on Micah’s thumb to contain my cries and for a moment I worry that I’ve hurt him but when I open my eyes, I’m met with his signature smirk. I also notice he’s breathing very, very hard.

As he removes his fingers from me, I glance down to his lap and see a dark stain spreading around his crotch. I bite my lip as he brings his fingers to his lips and licks my wetness off of them.

“Well” he huffs once he’s finished, “That was somethin’.”

I can’t help but laugh and can only get out a quiet, “Yep.”

Micah smiles and leans down to capture my lips with his, giving me a taste of myself on his tongue. When he pulls back, he takes a moment to grasp my face and growl. I wink at him and giggle as he pulls his face away from me; the euphoria, whiskey and exhaustion from the day making me giddy.

“Goodnight darlin’” he drawls quietly and honestly the only thing I can manage is a nod. My body is tingling and I feel weightless. As Micah straightens up, fully ready to face anyone outside my tent with his wet crotch, I feel my body giving into sleep.

Before I doze off, I’m almost 100% sure I feel blankets being pulled up over me as the lantern is dimmed.

[ezairick]

What if IT was a series?

If I was ever given the chance to make Stephen King’s IT into a series, well I don’t know who would want to watch It besides myself, because I like when things develop slowly, and you also get to see how the characters just live their life, outside of the supernatural things happening in their lives.

Both the films and the mini-series started by showing Georgie’s death and then jumped straight to the summer holidays, got the Losers together and then on to fight Pennywise. But that just skips over so much.

I would want to start before Georgie’s death to establish who the characters were before IT began. Just an establishing episode where you get to see the Losers with their families, their friends, and in school. Maybe end the episode with the heavy rain, that caused the flooding which was when the wakening of IT happened. Derry was flooding in October and the adults were scared that it would be much worse than it was, as that disaster had happened before. The next episode is when the water was receding and that then is when Georgie dies and the Losers are marked, and the story truly starts. But instead of jumping straight to the summer holidays I would want to show that long year, because so much is happening that just normally isn’t part of the story.

You would get to see how Bill is just more and more neglected by his parents who just can’t get passed the loss of their youngest son, to the point that they don’t have a care for the eldest any longer. But Bill also have, I can’t remember if it’s just one or if it’s two, episodes where he has a run in with Pennywise in Georgie’s room, with his photo album. His struggles with his stammering, and him saving up to buy, shall we call it a death wish, Silver, his bike, as well as his friendship with Eddie, Richie, and Stan.

There’s Eddie, who is being abused by his mom, and his struggle between wanting to please her, and wanting to do the same things as his friends. There is also Eddie's own run in with Pennywise on Neibolt Street and the Neibolt House.

And Richie and his voices which he practices at the dinner table together with his dad. Constantly getting into trouble because he just can’t keep his mouth shut, and his love of horror movies. As well as meeting Pennywise, even if he never ever tells the other Losers that he too had had an experience of his own, because he just won’t admit that that really happened.

And Stan, who is Jewish but rarely goes to the Synagogue because there isn’t one in Derry, and doesn’t even know the meaning of the word kosher. Who loves his family and shares an interest in watching birds together with his dad. Who is fastidious (not OCD, no matter what the fandom has since decided), and has the strangest sense of humour. Who when he met Pennywise in the old water tower in the park, in the form of two drowned children, wasn’t so much scared as he was absolutely offended.

There’s Beverly who is being abused by her father (in the book it’s quite clear that she wasn’t sexually molested at least up until that summer, but what happened after that we don’t know), who lives with a mother, who knows her husband is abusing her daughter as well as herself, and at least suspects that her husband might start molesting her daughter but who wouldn’t dream of leaving him, because living with an abusing, drunk, probably child molester, is still so much better than being on state welfare. Beverly who wears her bruises visible but still being badass and stealing her cigarets despite knowing that if she is caught she will be beaten. Who is sometimes trying to be more like the other girls, but more comfortable being a tomboy. Who until the summer holidays are mostly on the outskirts of the group, but sometimes hang out with the other Losers. She is the only one who didn’t have a run in with Pennywise before the Summer holidays.

There’s Ben who is new to Derry, and absolutely alone, but wouldn’t have understood the question if you had asked him if he was ever lonely. Who reads tons of books and loves the library, and spends his money on sweets. Who is well aware that he is overweight which is why he is being bullied the way that he is, but is still badass enough to not let Henry Bowers copy his answers in an exam, despite knowing that that is going to cost him. And who loves Architecture, and knows how to build a dam and an underground club house without really knowing how. Who has a mother who tries her best, but clearly doesn’t have clue what her son’s doing during the day, and who keeps saying that he is not fat he is just big boned, because she has equated her ability to put food on the table and Ben never being hungry, with the pride she takes in being able to provide for him on her own without relying on state welfare. And Ben who ran into Pennywise on his own on a cold January evening, but also shows the resilience of children, as after a shower, some food, and sitting in front of the TV he has completely put the incidence out of his head.

And Mike, who is an outsider not just because he goes to a different school out on Neibolt Street, but also because he and his family are the only black people in Derry. His love of history and the history of Derry, a passion he got and shares with his dad. His life on the family farm and the strife between the Hanlon’s and the Bowers’. Him playing his trombone which he plays during the Fourth of July parade through Derry. The obvious love between Mike and his parents because Mike’s got the best parents. And his experience with Pennywise in April out at the abandoned Kitchener Ironworks. And the huge rock fight that brings the Losers together on the third of July.

But besides the Losers there would also be more focus on Derry itself. Probably from Mike’s dad telling Mike about the stories he had collected, starting with the burning of the Black Spot because he himself was there when it happened. But also how the people in Derry sort of know what is going on but there’s just such an apathy that they can’t break through. There are more children going missing and being found dead during that year, and quite similar to the school shootings happening now in America, people just can’t bring themselves to care. They have simply gotten use to it. They order a curfew, are shocked when the children goes missing and when they are found, they offer their thoughts and prayers, and hope that they will be spared from that pain, but after a couple of days have forgotten about it, and the only people who remembers are the families of the victims.

Despite children going missing, the children are still left to their own devices. And then there’s also the slow descend into insanity of Henry Bowers, through the influence of Pennywise, and how his bullying is becoming more violent.

And when it comes to the Summer holidays when the fight against Pennywise truly starts, there are so many great scenes. The two times Bill and Richie have encounters with Pennywise, in Georgie’s room and on Neibolt Street. Beverley encountering Pennywise for the first time. How the Losers just click, how they all have a sense of who is part of the Losers and who just isn’t. When Eddie break his arm, both because this is a turning point for Henry Bowers as he realizes that he can scare even adults and no longer need to be scared of them, but also because Eddie blackmails his mom into letting him hang out with his friends from his hospital bed. The Losers creating silver slugs and finding out that Beverley is totally badass with a slingshot, and the epic showdown in Neibolt House when they realize that they can hurt Pennywise as long as they believe. Richie, Beverly and Ben hanging out in a movie theatre and turn the table on Henry Bowers and his gang. And just the general fun they had together playing in the Barrens, at the dump, or in the quarry. The juxtaposition between them just being children playing and then having to face the horrors of Derry. And of course the last time they face Pennywise as children and hope they have defeated him.

I don’t know if I would want to set it in the 1950’s as it was in the book, or in the late 1980’s or early 1990’s. That would depend on if I would take the story further and into their adulthood, and whether or not I would want them to remember Derry or not.

If It's just them as children then I would want to keep the story setting in the 1950’s as that would make some things easier, like explaining just why Mike’s family is the only Black family in Derry.

Likewise if they, like in the book, forget about Derry, I would also want to set it in the 1950’s. The pros of them forgetting is their reaction to relearning their childhoods in Derry. I think the shock of his suddenly remembering Derry is what drove Stan over the edge and caused his suicide. I think he remembered more and understood Pennywise in a way the others didn’t. They just feared him, but for Stan Pennywise was also breaking the laws of nature and going against all that should be possible.

Them forgetting would also explain just why Eddie and Beverly ended up victims of copies of their parents. They forgot the lessons they had learned and the courage they had found fighting Pennywise, and instead fell into the same patterns as they had always lived by.

But if they instead somewhat continued to remember Derry, then I think it would make sense to set in later. If they were eleven or twelve in the late 1980’s or early 1990’s then there aren’t that many years until Myspace and Facebook come into  existence, and they could reconnect that way. If the Losers somewhat forgot Derry as their families or they themselves moved away from Derry, but then when they saw a name they somewhat recognized on Myspace or Facebook and friended them, and then the real memories of Derry start coming back. It would mean changing the grownup Losers’ stories but maybe that’s not a bad idea. There could be a focus on how they learned to work through the trauma they experienced as children and them reliving memories that they had suppressed until that point, while it would also be somewhat strange for the world to see how seven friends from some small town, who not only were considered losers but called themselves Losers, would all become famous and experts within their chosen fields. Mike would also be able to leave Derry as a guard is no longer necessary. All the while they all have this feeling that their fight against Pennywise isn’t over, and as the new cycle is coming to end and Pennywise is waking up, their memories of what happened are becoming more intense, more vivid, and more real. Before they have to go back and fight him one more time, hoping that this time it was over.

I have always loved IT and the ambience of the book, especially when reading about them as children, because there is just such a juxtaposition between the nostalgic remembrance of what the 1950’s should be like, with children running free and playing outside in an endless summer, and then the horror that lies just under the surface, a horror that’s accepted if never really spoken about by the adults.

I would love to explore Derry as a character whose layers are slowly pealed away. A character that’s understood better by the children than by the adults. A show that’s full of horror but takes its time to truly experience the ambience, of what it would be like to live in Derry. Unlike the fast paced shows of today, where everything happens so quickly and suddenly half the town’s involved in what was supposed to be a secret, and nobody takes the time to truly explore. But I don’t know. Maybe I am the only one who would want to see such a version of IT. What would you do if you could make IT?

[atamascolily]

lily liveblogs  watching “The Terminator” for the first time

I cannot believe no one ever told me the first ten minutes of The Terminator are filled with naked men roaming 1980s Los Angeles. In addition to full-front Arnold Schwarzenegger nudity, there's a chase scene in which Kyle Reese's actor (no slouch himself in the muscles department) runs through a clothing store, dressing himself as he goes. The narrative economy of this movie, I tell you.

Whoever decided that time travel does not involve clothing was clearly having a lot of fun. 

Also, I have no idea why the punks decided to make fun of a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger except they were probably drunk/stoned/high and fond of making poor life choices. Either that or they really were Too Stupid To Live.

Is the close up on Kyle Reese's stolen Nikes supposed to be product placement? I think it's product placement. This is the '80s after all.

OMG, a phone booth. This film was not supposed to be a period piece (or was it??), but it's unintentionally hilarious as such. Kyle Reese doesn't seem to know how to reach Sarah Connor otherwise... so the phone book gets to stand in for the Internet.

(god, if you're from his version of 2029, the fact that machines DON'T control everything seems both a) quaint and b) infinitely desirable by comparison.)

What's interesting is both the film's present and the film's future are dystopic hellholes. Yes, it's the middle of the night in Los Angeles, but the way it's filmed, with all the urban debris and trash and homeless wandering the streets very much parallels the future. The garbage truck in the present and the human-killing laser machine in the future are foils to each other.

EVERYONE'S HAIR, OH MY GOD.

It's kinda sad that food service is still visual shorthand for "sucky job" even in the present day, but you can tell Sarah Connor has spunk because she rides a moped and sasses her chain's mascot. Their outfits are terrible. And that kid putting ice cream on her--to the amusement of the assholes she's serving--what a nightmare.

Also, Sarah's friend is awesome and won my heart with one line: "In a hundred years, who's gonna care?" This takes on vast levels of irony given that Sarah Connor is the Chosen One--er, sorry, Chosen One's Mom. I really hope this friend doesn't die.

Child's toy truck getting run over by the Terminator's stolen car. NOT SUBTLE, Y'ALL.

Sarah's friend's first reaction to the news of another Sarah Connor being murdered is to track Sarah into the break room to watch. Efficient way of letting Sarah know something's up and another good character moment.

The contrast between the Terminator effortlessly starting the car and Kyle Reese's labored hotwiring is nicely done. The PTSD flashback as he watches the bulldozer thing is also very efficient way of conveying information without the need for infodumping dialogue. Of course he has a female friend who dies for added trauma. Sigh.

Oh, so she and the friend--whose name is Ginger--are roommates? Well, that explains a lot. Oh, nope, I’m wrong, different person.

SARAH CONNOR HAS A PET IGUANA, I'M CHARMED. She looks so sad holding her pet iguana while her date's voice mail message plays - no going out after she got all dressed up. But at least she has the Iguana of Consolation!

(his name is Pugsley omg omg omg asghkkfl)

Why the hell does Ginger's bf kiss Sarah on the cheek as she leaves? Are they that close to each other or is this a weird quasi-sexual harassment thing (like how he was only kinda embarrassed when she picked up the phone by mistake while he was doing his phone sex thing thinking she was Ginger?)

CREEPY PARKING GARAGE IS CREEPY.

The police are all, "shit, this is awful," and trying to do something, but it isn't going to go well. Also, you can tell it's the '80s because the police lieutenant just casually lights up indoors like it's no big deal.

Like, literally the plot of this movie depends upon a) Sarah Connor's name and address in the phonebook, and b) no cell phones. The fact that these two are intimately connected IRL amuses me greatly.

God, as soon as Ginger and her bf revealed they were staying home, I knew they were toast. The fact that they're shown having sex just makes it all the more inevitable.

I like that the police decide to get a jump on the press AND maybe alert the other Sarah Connors they haven't been able to reach by announcing it over the TV. Sarah's at a restaurant eating pizza so she actually sees it!

The only reason Sarah Connor survives is because the Terminator went very literally through the list and Kyle Reese went straight to the right person. The difference between human intelligence and AI?

I cannot BELIEVE the club doesn't check ID, but maybe it's an illegal club anyway? Nice relevant background techno.

Of course the police's gambit backfires because Sarah can't reach them when she tries to call...

OH MY GOD PUGSLEY THE IGUANA IS SO PRECIOUS (but seriously does not stay in his cage, lol). Please don't let the iguana die...

The dangers of earphones and not being able to hear your surroundings being illustrated literally as soon as the devices were invented.

OF COURSE SARAH IS GOING TO LEAVE HER VOICE MAIL MESSAGE WARNING GINGER OF DANGER AT THE WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT. And she's going to tell him her location, too. This is... god, I don't have words for this.

Sarah left her driver's license in her apartment, what? Or is that an old ID? I can't tell. Welp, now he knows what she looks like, which he clearly didn't before.

This scene where the Terminator shoots up the club with an automatic REALLY hasn't aged well. I feel sick to my stomach just watching it. Of course Sarah is the second-to-last one out and has a human shield, because of course she dies. Sigh.

"Come with me if you want to live." I think that's the first words Kyle Reese has spoken in this movie! Not that the Terminator has said much, either...

Of course the police show up at exactly the wrong moment and draw exactly the wrong conclusions. Of course they end up dead, too. Sigh.

I would say Kyle's driving is atrocious, but there's no actual roads in 2029 LA, so this is much better conditions than he's used to.

Gosh, what would this movie do without alleyways?

Sarah's like "Can you stop it?" and Kyle looks away sheepishly, all WELL I WOULD IF I HAD MY LASER WEAPONS FROM THE FUTURE INSTEAD OF YOUR PUNY '80S GUNS.

Oh, he says he's going to ditch the car, but instead Kyle finally explains things to Sarah, and we're in yet another parking garage. Parking garages and alleys, that's this movie. Oh, and hotwiring cars.

Kyle's monologue about the defense network computers setting off nuclear war is a very '80s manifestation of a very '80s fear. Several '80s fears, now that I think about it. (Wasn't this also the plot of War Games?) Not that it's not topical today, but I think it's expressed in different formats now.

I hate that Sarah is only special because she's the Source of the Savior instead of the actual savior herself. I hate this so much.

Kyle and the Terminator playing "who can shoot better while also driving" in a parking garage that seems to go on literally FOREVER, how is this possible. This is WHY shotgun is a thing.

Oh, good, he's finally letting Sarah drive while he shoots.

Ohhhh, now she's in police custody, and the Lieutenant is comforting her. I hope he doesn't die, but I know better than to hope that anyone other than the Final Girl survives this movie.

The "flex your artificial hand with a hole in it" scene is a bloody counterpart to Luke testing out his new prosthesis in ESB.

It says something about humans that the only way the machines could hunt them was to make them human-coated (human on the outside).

You can tell by the look on Kyle Reese's face when he says "Nobody goes home," that he knows he's on a suicide mission.

Why the hell doesn't John Connor go himself? Why was Kyle chosen? Because he had to lead humanity in the aftermath of Skynet's defeat or because it would make the upcoming plot twist that much more awkward? Probably both, but I wonder if they ever discussed this. "Uh... hi, dad? Dad-to-be?" (Reminder that Douglas Adams is right when he says the worst part of time travel is the grammar.)

Oh, god, the "eye repair" scene is nightmarish. Excellent job foreshadowing it, filmmakers. But still gross. So this is why he gets sunglasses.

(Does he have heat vision? Why do none of the future machines seem to have infrared sight? Wouldn't that be super-useful if you're human-hunting?)

Kyle Reese's "I DIDN'T BUILD THE FUCKING THING!" line is such a relatable mood. We the audience already knew that Time Travel = Mandatory Nudity, but I think it's a nice touch that Skynet assumed the Terminator could just work with whatever was available instead of needing to bring weapons. He’s weapon enough. 

Also, this implies the Terminator is just human ENOUGH to pass through the field, which might have been a reason they started working with human-augmented machines in the first place. The reasoning seems to be--no, really--if you put enough living human tissue over a machine, it's "alive" enough for time travel. I don't understand how this works, exactly, but fine.

Oh, good, the cops are giving her body armor now. That can only help. Oh, no, it's a fake-out to explain how the Terminator survived being shot.

I don't understand how this movie is not a walking billboard for gun control, I really don't.

Kyle Reese being all "things are going to shit and I'm going to seize the moment". I think the policeman he slugged might actually survive if he was knocked unconscious and otherwise stayed out of trouble? Don't think the Terminator's going to bother when he's got his real prey to deal with...

And the lietunant who was nice to Sarah is dead. I knew that was going to happen. Great, now the other detective is, too. Sigh. NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE GETS TO LIVE EXCEPT SARAH... and maybe Pugsley the iguana? I don't think he's dead...

Oooh, oooh, another visual theme of this movie is broken glass and smashing windows to unlock things. DON'T FORGET THE BODY ARMOR ON YOUR WAY OUT. (If that's not Chekhov's body armor, I'm going to be very surprised.)  

God, it's so weird to contrast the different fates of the Terminator franchise and the Star Wars films, especially given their similarities.

Oooh, oooh! Huddle together for warmth under a bridge! Fall in love!

Skynet has no freakin' subtlety. You can tell they're not human because they automatically decide the best way to keep Sarah Connor from having kids is to kill her, not to have her doctor give her a fake diagnosis so they can perform a hysterectomy or some other scheme. Or even just giving her birth control.

OR HOW ABOUT EVEN CREATING A SPECIAL MODEL TERMINATOR SHE COULD DATE WHO WAS STERILE AND THEREFORE SHE'D NEVER GET PREGNANT. And then Kyle Reese would be the obnoxious dude trying to break them up for the good of humanity and constantly trying to prove to Sarah her hot boyfriend is actually a robot, and Sarah just thinks he's delusional/trying to get in her pants.

(Oh, my god, I want this fic now.)

Oh, she just discovered Kyle's hurt now, ordering him to take off his clothes, there's only one way this can possibly end.

Nice contrast between the Terminator calmly repairing his bloodied self and Sarah feeling nauseous and having Kyle talk to her while she fixes him.

Oh, god, the way Kyle Reese describes John Connor makes me wonder if Kyle had a crush on HIM or if he knew he was John's father from the get-go. FICS FICS FICS, WHERE ARE THE FICS.

Oh, okay, so Reese volunteered because he wanted to meet "the legend--Sarah Connor". Please tell me she's a legend because she's a badass, not JUST because her son is important. Please. Or at least allow me to keep my illusions, okay?

The way Reese looks at her is distinctly hero-worshipping, which is kinda funny given their roles to date. Also, Sarah is pre-badass at this point -- she will become one as a result of the events of this film.

Sarah also has a problem with time travel tenses, I sympathize.

"Thank you, Sarah, for your courage through the dark years. I can't help you with what you must soon face except to say the future is not set.... You must survive or else the future will never exist."

LOL, John telling his mom she better level up or everyone is doomed... so why isn't SHE the savior again??

And--open question--what happened to HER by 2029? Why is it John and not Sarah who's in charge?

Ok, so the HKs DO have infrared, but what keeps them and the Terminator from finding people on various occasions? (Yes, plot, I know.)

"Tell me a bedtime story about your dystopic past-that-is-my-future and give me all kinds of Nightmare Fuel..." (That could have gone better.)

Where do Future Humans get their Future Guns and Gear?? Do they steal them from machines? How does that even WORK? Wouldn't it be easier for the machines to just, I don't know, get creative and kill them some other way?

Keeping with the machine-man parallels, Reese has his own "code numbers" rather like a serial number that he uses to ID himself.

DOGGIES! THERE ARE STILL DOGS IN THE FUTURE, yay!

Yup, the humans in 2029 live in squalor just like the homeless people in the film's present - which might explain why Kyle Reese is remarkably at home, with way less culture shock than you'd expect.

Too bad he and Sarah are on the run and can't go to a fast food restaurant or something fun he's never had before.

The future kids are watching a fire burn in the shell of a TV, OH MY GOD.

Like, it's kinda good the future isn't set because if this what humanity's come to, it might be better to send someone back in time and hope it goes differently? Of course, things can always get worse. Not that they had a choice - I think discovering the machines' plan forced their hand.

Kyle Reese has a photo - is that Sarah Connor? Or is that the woman who got killed earlier in the film? I can't tell.

Dogs barking at the fake people just like the dog barked at the Terminator in the '80s. Nice. Interesting they don't try to shoot the dogs.

Ahh,the photo is burning, the symbolism.... especially when Terminator's flesh melting is going to be a Thing coming up. Cut to: Sarah's sleeping face. Foreshadowing much? (Also: WORST BEDTIME STORY EVER.)

Okay, the way he brushes her face is kinda creepy and hasn't aged well. I hope Sarah has dogs in subsequent movies? I would if I were her.

OH MY GOD, the Terminator has suggested prompts for conversations and chooses "Fuck you, asshole". DYING.

Oh, he's got her address book... and her mom's address. That's how he finds her. Otherwise, there's no way this movie will end in thirty minutes.

Kyle stopping to pet the dog while Sarah gets them a hotel room is such a beautiful background moment.

Sad that even the shittiest '80s motel room is nicer than anything Kyle has ever seen.

AHHH, SHE CALLS HER MOM, this is the smart and appropriate thing to do, but there's no way this can end well for her mom.

I thought the scene was going to cut to her mom on the phone with a gun at her back (before the Terminator kills her), but she's talking to the Terminator mimicking her mother's voice and I... don't know what just happened, but pretty sure it isn't good for Sarah Connor's mom's survival. (Why they didn't go back in time and try to kill HER before she had Sarah... seems like there are so many ways to do this.)

LOL, you think Reese is going to be into food and instead he's into manufacturing explosives in the kitchen. Nice. What follows is Baby's First Improvised Weaponry Lesson.

"He'll find us, won't he?" "Probably." WELL MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T GIVEN SOMEONE YOUR ADDRESS AFTER HE TOLD YOU NOT TO, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN "LATER" RATHER THAN "SOONER", ughhhhhh.

Kyle's reaction when Sarah asks him about his previous lovers is HILARIOUS if you assume he's actually in love with John Connor. But this does answer the question of who the woman in the photo was: it was Sarah, he's been in love with Sarah the whole time (and now kinda embarassed/thrilled at the prospect of sleeping with his hero?)

I can't tell if Sarah genuinely thinks he's hot or if she just feels sorry that he's a virgin. I guess it doesn't really matter since they've been through hell together and sex is a valid way of coping. Also, while Kyle isn't  as muscular as the Terminator, he's no slouch in the shirtless department--and he's not wearing a shirt in this scene.

Kyle's admission that he "disconnects" to avoid feeling pain just heightens the machine-man continuum even further...

Oh, my god, John totally knows that Kyle's going to be his dad, and that's why he gives them the picture of Sarah. SO AWKWARD TO BE SET UP BY YOUR SON.

This is the '80s so they can't just have casual sex, he has to be in love with her, and have ALWAYS been in love with her, because this is ROMANCE, and she's the heroine (otherwise it would be morally wrong??). I get it, although this trope hasn't aged well and seems vaguely stalker-ish, even though relatively little stalking was involved.

So he loves her, but Sarah never says she loves him... but she's stressed out and exhausted and she feels sorry for him and he's hot, wtf not?

Hey, he lets her top! That was unexpected and also kinda sweet.

What was the point of Sarah telling her mother if her mother never called back and if they were only going to be there for a day? Shouldn't she be suspicious that her mom never called back? IDIOT BALL.

Kyle hears the dog barking and knows what's up right away. You can see the "oh shit" look on his face.

YET ANOTHER CAR CHASE... except now they're in a truck and the Terminator's on a motorcycle. Oh, goody. And he makes her drive once she pulls out the explosives. Oh, good, an underground tunnel!

I don't understand why the Terminator doesn't shoot out the wheels on the truck. He keeps aiming for Sarah, and I know that's his mission, but... seems like it might be easier to disable the truck first? IDK.

Of course leaning out the window makes it easier for the Terminator to shoot Kyle... now that he's delivered his Sperm Packet from the Future, his role is done and he's toast.

That's also the first moment that Sarah really takes agency by swerving and crashing the car. I think up until this point, she's just kinda gone along with everything...? NOT A COINCIDENCE.

Oh, great, now he has a tractor-trailer. Full of gas. And you have explosions. This will end well.

Wow, the Terminator didn't kill the passenger in the truck after all. Why waste energy, I guess?

I don't understand why he goes for the tractor-trailer instead of.. I don't know, just walking over and strangling Sarah? He's a lot stronger than she is and she's trapped in a wreck. I don't understand it. That seems WAY like overkill. And also gives her time to get her bearings and escape with Kyle.

Kyle jumping into the dumpster is oddly appropriate, given how often dumpsters and trash appear in this movie.

Sarah breathes a sigh of relief WAYYY too soon after the truck goes up in flames.

WHYYYY is she going so close to the flames, that's so dumb, it must be so hot and toxic fumes, whyyyyy? (So they can be RIGHT THERE when the Terminator wakes up, that's why!)

This time Sarah's the one to break a window and unlock a door. Agency! Character development! Whatever you want to call it.

Can you really turn an automated factory on that easily? Shouldn't there be... passwords, or something? But I like that Kyle does it "so he can't track us" - so the EMFs interfere with the Terminator's abilities??

And of course, there's the irony that the smart machine from the future is destroyed by by the dumb machines of the past.  Humanity's enemy is also its savior. (Can you imagine what would havehappened if the Terminator had been able to talk to them and convince them to kill the humans / figure out where they were?)

Hey, the Terminator busts down the door in its Final Form and does the EXACT SAME DOOR OPENING TRICK IT'S ALWAYS DONE.

Sarah pulls a chunk of shrapnel OUT OF HER OWN LEG. She gets to scream while she does it because she's female, but it's the foil to the other "repair/healing" we've seen - and a sign of her own transition/evolution.

Kyle's face wound mirrors that of the Terminator, AHHH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

And of course the Terminator still isn't dead even after it's lost half its body and is just this metallic torso dragging itself across the ground with its arms. Because we're still not done yet. Both Sarah and the Terminator have leg wounds, so they're both crawling, I like it. EVEN MORE PARALLELS.

Oh, god, it's on a conveyor belt now. NIGHTMARE FUEL. And then some sort of ventilation shaft? Oh, god.

And she's able to press the button as it's strangling her and issue a snappy one-liner LIKE THE ACTION HERO SHE IS! And watch its red eye stare balefully at her the entire time.

Oh, and THEN the police show up and she's put on a stretcher and bundled away. Could be worse, Kyle's on a stretcher zipped up into a body bag.

CUT TO: Sarah driving a truck in the desert. A pregnant Sarah is narrating into a microphone a message/memoir for her unborn son. There's a German shepherd in the backseat. Sarah's wearing the same headband we've seen before in Kyle's photo of her. She's got a pistol in her lap that she handles coolly and calmly.

She's in Mexico, at a gas station full of chickens. She tells John she's worried about paradox, but he has to send Kyle. So John DOES know, and gave Kyle the photograph so he'd be primed to fall in love with Sarah, thus guaranteeing his existence. The German shepherd is a Very Good Dog.

Sarah's very blunt about the fact that she and Kyle only had a few hours together, but says "we loved a lifetime's worth" and I'm not sure that checks out, but okay. Maybe on Kyle's end? I feel like Sarah barely had time for any of this, and maybe some of it is retroactive, but... anyway, maybe it's a story she tells herself so she can live with it, especially since she may not be interested, open to, or willing to risk any more relationships in the future, given that she's a perpetual target.

While she's talking about Kyle, her face twists up and a kid snaps a photo with his Kodak camera, and claims if she doesn't pay for it, his father will beat him. She knows it's a scam but takes it anyway, talking him down to four dollars instead of five.

The kid takes the money and runs away, crying about a storm coming. Sarah sighs. "I know," she says, and puts on dark sunglasses as tumbleweeds roll and she drives away, waiting for the apocalypse, towards some mountains that look awfully early-CGIish.

Credits roll. Acknowledgment to the works of Harlan Ellison - that's cool.

Wow, okay. Well that was a ride.

Reading the Wiki: I like how James Cameron decided to cast Michael Biehn as Kyle Reese because he was famous at the time, even though he's nowhere near a household name compared to the film's other stars. O.J. Simpson was floated as a possible Terminator, irony. Harlan Ellison credit was added after he threatened to sue for infringment--oh.

Also, (male) critics talk about how the Terminator represents masculinity, and the ideal man is both machine and human? I guess I don't really see the Terminator as ideal masculinity, but that's a rant for another day...

Also: wtf happened to the iguana??

[thesublemon]

songs of impotence and experience

In the last couple years, I’ve revisited a lot of the things that were meaningful to me when I was younger. I’m not exactly sure why I did that. Some nostalgia. Some curiosity about whether they held up. Some sense that maybe I could get some insight into myself. Why did I love the things I loved at a time when my id was more unfiltered? What did the younger version of myself need art about that maybe the adult version doesn’t?

A lot of the works are superficially goofy genre shit, but space ships, aliens and made-up words never really felt like it was what I loved about them. My taste was just as indiscriminate as a kid as it is now, which meant I read and watched and liked a wide variety of things. Proper literary things, even. I don’t think it’s an accident that I often connect(ed) with superficially goofy genre shit. Just like I don’t think it’s an accident that a different person might connect with musicals or period movies. But that’s an aspect of my personality to analyze another time.

No, what I realized was that all of these space-and-aliens-stories…on some level, were impotence stories. They’re stories about being manipulated by outside forces, or having shit stuck in you against your will. Stories about parasites. Stories about going insane. And while those might sound like “intense” themes for a child or teenager to be preoccupied with (as if children and teenagers don’t feel things intensely), I realized that it actually made complete and utter sense. When you’re young it feels like things are constantly just happening to you. Adults make decisions for you. Society makes demands of you. It’s hard to know what power you even have, let alone how to use it. Of course I’d relate to impotence.

I remember being obsessed with Ender’s Game. I don’t even know how many times I read it between the ages of 8 and 12. There was something in me that identified with being a pawn in an adult’s world, where your intelligence or your allegiance could be used to fight their wars and you’d have no control over it, no understanding of it. This sense that you were hurting others by proxy, fighting the wrong fights, because you didn’t understand how your power was being used. But that you had power. The feeling that if you were smart and special enough to be wanted, or to know that something was up, then you should have been smart enough to change the game.

Of course there’s arrogance in believing that you, a child, are so important that all of these adults want things from you. Arrogance in looking at a 6 year old military genius and going that speaks to me. But the truth is, adults do want things from children, even “unremarkable” children. They might want a child’s validation, obedience, affection, loyalty or even something as simple and benign as happiness. Being an unhappy child when you know your parents just want you to be all right? What a feeling of failure.

There was a sense that all of these adults—including but not limited to my parents—were invested in religion, or politics, or personal narratives, or some view of the world, and I had the power to reinforce it. I could grow up to be a good exemplar of their ideological beliefs, I could give them the feeling that I admired or needed them, I could pay them attention, I could tell them I believed them. But I couldn’t know whether doing those things was what I actually wanted. I couldn’t know if twenty years down the line I’d be yearning for an enemy’s forgiveness, and speaking for the dead.

*

Fast-forward to Farscape. Farscape is about a character who looks like he should be the hero. A character who knows the same hero stories we know, and thinks he should live up to them. But then the narrative makes him alien, and incompetent, and strips him of his every bit of cultural context and familiarity. In a narrative sense, it “feminizes” him. People want things from John Crichton, and it never has anything to do with him as a person (“Don’t be jealous Frau Blücher. He only loves me for my mind.”). Everyone is always hijacking his body and putting things into it. Microbes, needles, knowledge, chips. He spends most of the show with the villain literally living inside his head. An inescapable, macabre companion that aggressively dresses himself in the drag of Crichton’s psyche.

Language is a constant motif in Farscape, because language is how you communicate yourself. If you lack language, you’re impotent. You’re alien. It’s no coincidence that Crichton’s first moment of alien-ation is that he’s injected with translator microbes. It’s no coincidence that A Human Reaction flips repeatedly between how the alien characters sound to humans, and how they sound to Crichton. It’s no coincidence that the final horror of Die Me Dichotomy is that Crichton loses his power of speech. It’s no coincidence that Aeryn starts learning English, and Crichton starts quipping in Spanish. It’s no coincidence that Crichton starts the show speaking in incomprehensible human cultural references to aliens and ends up speaking in incomprehensible alien references to humans (“Fred Scarran. From the Gainesville Scarrans.”).

And not to be unbearably personal, but as a teenage girl who was going deaf, I responded to all of that. On a basic, physical level I felt like I was losing my ability to understand people, and by virtue of not understanding, becoming unable to make myself understood. A feeling of standing outside myself and watching myself become an alien. A feeling of invasion because I could no longer exist without technological augmentation. But there was also a gendered level. Being a girl and feeling like the world’s reaction to my physical form suddenly had consequences that it was up to me to either mitigate or capitalize upon. That sexuality was suddenly something I was supposed to be able to wield, and I had no idea how. This feeling that my body was betraying me both functionally and as my means of mediating between my Self and the world. In other words, a feeling that biology and social narratives were conspiring, like the universe in Farscape, to “feminize” me.

There was a cultural level too. I was aware of being in this American social moment that seemed grotesquely material and political. So are all moments in their own way, but I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that all these people cared about PT Cruisers and Super Size Me and Idiocracy and The Simple Life and Fahrenheit 911 and freedom fries and cartoons of Bush as a monkey. All these adults were begging for me to take a side about these things that felt stupid and ugly and profane. And none their interest in my side-taking had anything to do with me, anyway.

So at that time I wanted a hero’s journey that wasn’t a hero’s journey. I wanted a story about saying “fuck you” to the forces of the universe that were clutching at my hems and driving me insane, and going off to live as an alien and eking what joy I could from it. A story about saying “no” to the two equally evil sides of any evil, pointless war. I wanted a story about how maybe that made you a monster, or maybe that was a heroic thing to do. Maybe there was something horrible about it, but maybe there was something wonderful in it too.

*

Rewind to Animorphs. The whole concept of a Yeerk in your head using your body and speaking out your mouth. If my attraction to Ender’s Game was in part about the fear that adults and institutions were hijacking my abilities, then Animorphs was about the fear that the adults themselves were hijacked. There’s real horror in the idea that your mom isn’t your mom and your friends aren’t your friends, but prisoners trapped in their own minds, being piloted by an outside force. The fear that you’d have to re-interpret your every interaction with the people you admired or cared about, looking for ulterior motives. The feeling that say, your parent isn’t speaking their own beliefs, but rather acting as a mouthpiece for their country or their neuroses or an ad on TV.

One might rightfully observe, well isn’t that just They Live or Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Rhinoceros for kids? Yes, in part. But there’s the additional, crucial fact that these Yeerks only steal people’s bodies because they’re planet-bound slugs otherwise. The Yeerks aren’t an impersonal disease, and Controllers aren’t mindless zombies. The Yeerks are Pilots, just wanting to see the stars. Pilots that didn’t wait meekly for a Leviathan to take them or a PK to tempt them, but went and conquered an empire’s worth of sentient creatures themselves. Pilots we’re primed to see as disgusting instead of pitiable or majestic because they’re just slimy little slugs, right? The Yeerks are the antagonists because they’re the idea that powerlessness begets powerlessness. They’re the idea that you may feel impotent, but growing up to control others just makes you the villain.

It makes sense that the Animorphs are shapeshifters, and young, not just because whatever, these are technically books for children and turning into animals sounds cool. I like to imagine there’s some symbolism about flexibility there. It reminds me of His Dark Materials and the way that a child’s daemon has no settled form. An impossible circumstance? You morph. You don’t take and conquer; you change.

(I’m not reading too much into things when I say that. The books draw parallels between the Yeerks and the Animorphs from the very beginning. Marco pointing out in #1 The Invasion that Tobias wants to escape his life as badly as a voluntary Controller does. Cassie worrying in #4 The Message that they dominate the animals they morph the way the Yeerks dominate their hosts. Later in #16 The Warning they’ll debate the morality of morphing people. “Controlling” versus “morphing” is one of the most central dichotomies of Animorphs, one the Animorphs themselves do not always land on the right side of.)

Disability themes are rampant. Everyone is trapped: Tobias as a hawk, Ax on Earth, hosts in their heads, Yeerks in their pools, the Animorphs in their war. To say nothing of the times the books get explicit about it, like the Andalite taboos around vecols or that final arc when they give the ward of disabled kids the morphing power. And the question every time is, which of two non-ideal options for dealing with some limitation are you going to take? Do you live as a hawk, or do you give up? When the Animorphs give the Auxiliaries the morphing power, it isn’t a triumphant moment. They do it so the kids can fight, like the Animorphs themselves had to. They do it knowing that the kids will die.

That sort of thing was the appeal of Animorphs. They were exciting, funny, imaginative page-turners, sure. But half of the reason they were page-turners was because they centered these terrible ethical quandaries, and devastating emotional choices. That’s the kind of thing that makes you pay attention in fiction: situations where you don’t know the way out, so you don’t know what will happen. The same way you don’t know what will happen once you realize that the adults can’t be trusted, or your life isn’t entirely your own.

*

Here are some things I think are interesting.

I think it’s interesting that both the morphing power in Animorphs and Leviathans in Farscape are the things those works treat as something that can be profaned. Morphing may be described in gruesome, body horrific detail, but nonetheless an animal’s power is treated as something to be respected and used to fight. So David abusing morphing is profane. Visser Three morphing is profane. Similarly, forcing Moya to give birth to a gunship is profane. Cutting Pilot’s arms off is profane. The clones eating the walls of the ship in Eat Me is profane. And both of those, morphing and Moya, are symbols of transformation. Morphing in the obvious sense, and Moya in the sense of a guardian or shepherd or mother. The sacred instrument of your journey.

I think it’s interesting that the protagonists of all three stories change, but not necessarily for the better.

I think it’s interesting that all three stories involve loving and understanding the Other. Both Farscape and Animorphs are full of important interspecies relationships: Tobias and Rachel, Elfangor and Loren, Dak and Aldrea (it’s potentially relevant that Jake and Cassie are an interracial relationship too), or John and Aeryn, D’argo and Chiana (and Lolaan), Zhaan and Stark, Scorpius and Sikozu. Both Animorphs and Ender’s Game involve the protagonists—and the audience, by extension—learning “humanizing” things about the aliens that they’re fighting against. Aliens that have forms that they are not inclined to empathize with.

I think it’s interesting that Animorphs has a lot of the same parasitism versus symbiosis themes that Farscape does, but takes them in a direction that has less to do with sex and breeding (because as unbelievably dark as Animorphs gets they’re still books for kids) and more to do with authority. Where Farscape is full of half-breeds and genetic atrocities, Animorphs is full of gods and Galateas. In Farscape, parasitism versus symbiosis is about becoming alien in a positive way, or a self-directed way, versus being forced into alienation. Loving the Other versus being made Other. Birth imagery versus rape imagery. Whereas in Animorphs parasitism versus symbiosis is about control versus autonomy. How are people supposed to satisfy their competing desires without taking away other people’s agency? How much power should authorities have over the people they’re responsible for (and responsible to)?

#26 The Attack was always one of my favorite Animorphs books because of the way it drew parallels between all of these pseudo-children and their creators. The Pemalites made the Chee, Crayak made the Howlers, and Elfangor “made” the Animorphs. Then those children duke it out for the souls of the Iskoorts and the Yeerks. A literal war of symbiosis versus parasitism. The existence of the Pemalites and the Chee might lead one to think that creating children in your desired image is reasonable and ethical, because we all love dogs don’t we? And then you meet the Howlers, who are simultaneously pure innocents and terrifying killers. Creatures that think of killing as play, as a game of fetch, because that’s what they were made to be. The Howlers are dogs too. You realize that the Animorphs are their own kind of created beings. They were given powers to fight a war for someone else.

In other words, if you look at it a certain way, all of these children have been co-opted and controlled as much as Yeerks co-opt and control their hosts. Animorphs is deeply anti-war. And one of the main ways it’s anti-war is by painting war as something essentially parasitic. Something that chews people up. Something that traumatizes its protagonists from the word go. Something that forces you to make awful moral choices. Something that only happens when competing forces can’t resolve their needs in any other way. War is parasitic and parasitism leads to war.

I think it’s interesting that all of these stories involve war, and none of them are fond of it. They each question and deconstruct the genre of war story that they seem to belong to. Instead of telling a militaristic scifi story about crushing alien Others, and being led by nigh-mythological generals, Ender’s Game tells a militaristic scifi story about child soldiers, bureaucracy, misunderstanding the Other, and how although true genius and leadership exists, it can rarely outsmart the military apparatus that controls it. Instead of telling a campy Power Rangers tale about the wonders of friendship, Animorphs was intended, by the author’s own admission, to be a “grunts-eyed view” of combat that showed the “honest cost” of war. A group of guerrilla soldiers may form bonds and accomplish remarkable things, but their story will not end with medals or Ewok revelry. Instead of telling a utopic Star Trek story where humans are powerful and advanced and have near-imperial influence, Farscape tells a story about how humans are weak and clannish, and advanced imperial powers wage wars based on nothing better than conquest or mercenary interest. Crichton becomes a kind of warrior to defend himself, but he never becomes a soldier. He leads no armies or rebellions. He is nothing more than a bargaining chip in other people’s conflicts. The protagonists of all three stories wrestle with the guilt of having had to kill their enemies on a massive scale, and innocents along with them.

I think it’s interesting how embodied these stories are. There was something novel and arresting to my young brain, reading Peter’s jokes about pubic hair, or the descriptions of Ender smashing a boy’s nose. The feeling of a monitor in your neck, gravity and anti-gravity, the grappling shower fight. It feels uncomfortable and deliberate that these children are described in the “gross”, physical way that adults in boot-camp war stories normally are. There was something mesmerizing about all those descriptions of morphing. Every book there’d be paragraphs on paragraphs about teeth rearranging, legs sprouting, eyes popping, bones liquefying. Descriptions of the hunger and fear (and sometimes delight) of animals. Descriptions of horrifying battle wounds. Limbs removed, intestines spilling out, being eaten alive by ants. There was something affirming in how sexual, and how disgusting Farscape was. That even the puppets got horny, and John and Aeryn kissed like they meant it. That people ate and farted and were full of goo.

Change, symbiosis, bodies, war. I’m not going to overreach and claim that those themes necessarily go hand-in-hand with impotence, or that these three stories I happened to love indicate anything other than that they’re kind of story I happened to love. I recognize that I��ve glossed over potential interpretations or criticisms of these stories in order to draw the parallels that interest me. But I do think that war, i.e. super-personal conflict, and bodies are two of the most fundamental ways that power and selfhood get taken away. You lose yourself when you sign your will over to forces bigger than you, and you lose yourself when you die. Bodies are inextricable from mortality, and are a kind of shorthand for every natural circumstance you can’t control. Whereas change and symbiosis are the hopeful alternatives. Symbiosis means merging with something other, even bigger, than you, but in an inherently mutually beneficial way. You don’t get lost, because it wouldn’t be symbiosis if your needs weren’t being met, but you do become “more.” Change, in turn, implies agency. Nature and circumstance may transform you—transform you to the point of death—but you can also transform yourself. Change is a neutral force that anyone can potentially wield.

*

I don’t know that I need those stories anymore. I still love them, still find them meaningful (in fact I re-read some Animorphs to write this and I was taken aback by just how much I still honestly loved it). But I don’t recognize myself in them in quite the same way. Precisely, I think, because I do have power now. Not a lot. But I have a sense of what I’m good at, and what I can control. I dress how I like, think about what I like, talk to who I like. Having a body is a still a crock of shit, but that isn’t new information anymore. None of the ways I lack control over my life are new information anymore. And so there is less of a need to process the horror of it via fiction.

It was interesting rewatching Buffy, because Buffy was never something that I identified with when I was younger, despite the fact that it was a show about a teenage girl. Possibly because fundamentally, Buffy is a story about empowerment. Buffy has power. That’s the key thing about her. It’s true that like the characters in the other stories, she has been conscripted into a supernatural war against her will. She struggles with her agency, and is increasingly traumatized by the choices she has to make. But she wins. That is the point of her. She’s a classical hero. Her heroism is moving and satisfying because it’s never emotionally easy. It’s earned. But it’s still heroism.

So I was surprised that as an adult, I found myself relating to it. You might look at a season like season six, and think that that’s an impotence story, because a lot of it is about depression and when one is depressed one certainly feels impotent. But I see it more as a story about having agency and not knowing what the hell to do with it. The terror of “you have to make your own decisions now.” And most of the seasons are like that. They involve Buffy accepting some aspect of her power and growing up about it.

I notice a number of the stories I’ve been drawn to in my 20’s have had themes like that. I’ve found myself lingering on stories about women, and stories about confronting one’s agency. As a teenager, I loved Slings and Arrows, because Geoffrey Tennant was yet another character buffeted by outside forces (Art and Social Constraints On Art), with his own, art-related Harvey. But as an adult I was excited by Cayce Pollard instead. Someone who on the one hand is practically crippled by her responses to aesthetic stimuli, but on the other hand (a) uses this to practical effect, and (b) actually spends time examining to what extent her responses are disordered. I was similarly excited by Clarice Starling learning to pursue her taste in Hannibal.

It’s a weird shift, to realize you’re not powerless. It’s not necessarily a pleasant shift. It’s why I’ve never been compelled by empowerment stories that treat it as a triumphant, unambiguously positive thing. Stories that conflate having power with having the judgement or moral authority to use that power well. With great power comes great responsibility, but how do you know what the responsible thing to do even is? If you’re empowered by a story, all it really means is that it made you feel confident enough to make your own mistakes (or not-mistakes, of course) instead of someone else’s. Which can be quite a good and exciting thing. But it also means that if things go badly, it’s no-one’s fault but your own.

So I find that the stories about power that are most satisfying to me are actually stories about things like truth, judgment, and perseverance. Stories about solving problems. Stories about making decisions. Stories about fucking up and carrying on afterwards. Stories that treat self-possession as the hard work that it is.

*

I’m curious about what comes afterwards. Already I find myself itching for a new kind of story, but I’m not sure what. Maybe I’ll go back to needing the horror of powerlessness. Maybe I’ll find religion (the wonder of powerlessness). Maybe I’ll go full nihilism, or full hedonism. When I look at the next fifteen years of my life, I see work, but what stories does one need for that? Stories that explore the ideas that you want to explore yourself? It feels open-ended, in a way. For all that I’ve done all this talk about relating to stories, I’ve never actually explicitly gone looking for stories to relate to and identify with. That’s why I wrote this, really. It’s easy to see why I (or anyone) would be drawn to stories about people who looked me, or had the same experiences as me; less easy to see the deeper, more abstract concerns that speak to what one is preoccupied with. But even given that I’ve never had a very identitarian approach to art, I find myself caring less about relatability than ever. And maybe that’s a phase of development too. The phase at which you don’t so much need to process yourself as focus yourself. The phase at which your ego is secure enough that you can let your ego go, and be curious about other things.