#peak idiocy with these two

[amaranthineghost]

I'LL LET YOU GO IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT ( lando norris. )

lando norris x reader

a little over half a year later when the season ended, they haven't found their way back. At least not on purpose, but the universe knows better than them

authors note: I was thinking of making a happy ending, but not everything always ends up that way </3 after this, I'll work on two max imagines and then I'll see what I can do while I'm on spring break

part 1 found here

IT’S BEEN EIGHT MONTHS since she last spoke to him.

two hundred forty-three days since she last saw that sad look on his face in the rear-view mirror as she drove away from the past she half-wished was her future.

five thousand eight hundred thirty-two hours since she last felt his touch, his arms consoling and unwilling to let her go and yet she still left.

three hundred forty-nine thousand, nine hundred and twenty seconds since the peak of his performance at the beginning of the season. now she watched as he tried and failed to be what he once was. maybe not a winner, or a champion, but he’d had her, which was practically equal.

but now he had lost her.

now she watched as the season came to an end. poor performance after poor performance after poor performance where not all races ended in crossing the finish line.

she never stopped watching, yet she could never reach out, and neither would he. he was always going to be ready to accept her back into his life, yet he knew she needed time.

but she didn't know if she could do it again, though at the same time she kept eyeing his life in envy because part of her wished she could live the way he could without being bothered by the media. part of her was jealous he could live his entire life in front of a camera and be so nonchalant about it.

scrolling through his socials, they still followed each other and it caught people's attention. she read through countless tweets, theories and rumors of their relationship still carrying on behind the cameras, and though she partly wished it to be true, she hated that it wasn't. the fans still wished, and she would too.

the random appearances in the paddock had come to an end, unfortunate for the fans who loved whenever she’d show up in support of her boyfriend, turned ex.

because now all she did was stay within the confines of her apartment building, shielded from the possibility of running into lando. she couldn’t handle bumping into him when she still felt as fragile as glass. she felt like she would shatter if she saw him again, no matter how much she wanted him back.

but living in monaco means you're bound to run into someone from his circle of life.

it felt bittersweet because she wanted him back so badly, to have him hold her in his arms and tell her they’d make it work. but it’d never happened, and truthfully, she hoped it never would. because she knew that if she saw him, she wouldn’t go running back into his arms as if making it work again was the easiest option. because really, if she saw him, she would run, not towards him but away, and she dreaded the fact that he would let her.

he’d watch the love of his life run from him rather than to him and be totally fine with it. because he knew that when the time was right, she would find him again, or he would find her, and only then she wouldn’t run from him.

but he feared for the day that he would realize that she was never coming back to him. he feared for the day where he would realize he shouldn't have let her go.

and he hopes for the day, though it may never come, where she does find the right time to come back to him. he prays for the day where he would make the right choice he should've made the first time.

because in the infinite universes that are said to exist, even if she never returns in nearly every one, he hopes to live the one where she would.

but he knows that if there's a universe where she comes back, even after his idiocy of letting her go to begin with, there's also one where this could've been avoided all together. a universe where he didn't have to watch her pack her bags while shuddering with sobs.

a universe where he wouldn't have to go without her for eight months, where his performance improved when she attended grand prixs.

the one he'd rather live with her than without.

it was unsure when they would ever see each other again. they'd gone this long without seeing the other, who's to say they ever would?

it was chilly in the streets of monaco, contrast to the usually warm, sunny climate the area was known for. she wore a thick coat while she walked down the sidewalk, past the seasonal market with nothing more than her phone, wallet and tote bag.

she needed to get out, to think. she couldn't stand being trapped in the box of her apartment surrounded by nothing but reminders of him. not that it was a bad thing.

she couldn't take another second overanalyzing the helmet he had left for her. she knew it was part of his plan to have her back. to make her want more helmets dedicated to her, which he continued to do despite her not being with him. she'd be lying if she said his plan was failing.

the hoodie, probably tied into the same plan, covered in his damn cologne he knew she couldn't get enough of. it had faded over time, becoming replaced with the smell of her instead. she didn't know what to think of it.

she considered purchasing that same cologne again, drowning the fabric in its fragrance. it wouldn't be the same.

she felt like she could breathe easier with the winter air rather than the stale air of her apartment. sure, she could've stepped onto the balcony, but it was always nice to find a way out of her apartment complex.

hands stuffed in her pockets, she wandered around aimlessly at the shops that lined the streets and stalls set up to buy from.

riddled with things that caught her eye, she couldn't help but stop at nearly every stall. it took an incredible amount of self control to not buy everything she wanted. she didn't have lando by her side to buy everything.

this was her life now. she had a job that she could do from home and it paid her rent. it was enough to live off of while she completed her last years of school before she started a career for herself. tiny little trinkets seemed good in the moment, but she knew long-term that it’d eventually hurt her financially, and besides she didn’t have that much space in her apartment.

she didn’t know how much time had passed. everything was a blur as she mindlessly walked on. she hadn’t noticed when she bumped her shoulder into somebody’s chest, and she had immediately begun to apologize.

“i’m so sorry, i wasn’t looking where i was—lando?” she recognized the curly-haired guy in front of her as she stood there frozen.

“hey, long time no see,” he spoke slowly and warily, looking her up and down at the changes of her appearances that occurred over the last eight months.

“uh—what are you doing here?” she questioned, stuttering over her words just slightly as she looked at him tensely.

lando looked around with a brow raised, hands in his pockets while he answered, “uh, i live here?”

she nodded, “right.”

the air was awkward as they stood in a tense silence. people ushered around them, occasionally bumping into them. they hadn’t known what to say to each other because they weren’t expecting this impromptu meeting.

“how’ve you been?” he broke the silence.

she nodded again, “fine, and you? i saw that your season wasn’t too good.”

he grimaced softly at her words, “yeah,” he scratched the back of his neck, “just some technical issues.”

“right.”

the silence was back and more deafening than the first time, standing awkwardly looking at each other didn’t help.

again, he was the one to break it, “could i buy you a drink?”

“isn’t it a bit early for alcohol?” she questioned, looking at the brightness of the sky before her gaze settled back down at him with a weird look.

he scoffed, “i mean the coffee shop down the street,” his voice was a half chuckle as he began walking, leaving her to follow.

“well, you’re unpredictable these days,” she fell into step with him as they walked side by side in silence.

it took all of two minutes for them to arrive at the coffee shop lando had mentioned. they could smell the aroma from a ways away, the door left open to let in the cool breeze.

the shop was warm and cozy, most tables were occupied except for a few scattered around. she reached for her wallet to buy herself a coffee, but he quickly shut it down.

“it's my treat,” was all he said before he walked up to the counter with his card in hand to order as she took the two seater by the window, setting her bag down on the ground. she watched the world from where she sat, the people walking by.

groups of friends, pairs that weren’t quite at the stage of being a couple, or the single person walking by every so often. all without crossing paths. it seemed crazy to her how so much could change because of a stranger on the street.

looking back to where lando stood ordering, she wondered what her life would’ve been if they hadn’t met. they wouldn’t have traveled the world, stayed out late on rooftops, or partied in clubs despite her hesitancy. he wouldn’t have dedicated nearly his whole career to her because she was forever a piece of him.

she realized how much she had meant when she saw just how much of her he still kept. he wore shirts with printed pink bows, the one gold bracelet he wore among the silver and fan bracelets given to him by her and he never took it off. the way he styled his hair in the way she taught him, the matching rings they still wore, the references of her personality on his helmet for every race rather than a specific track, her name on his car.

her name on his car.

her name printed in pretty cursive across the top of his steering wheel and the halo for him to see.

he still managed to include her in his life despite her absence because he considered her his lucky charm. having reminders of her anywhere he could would always manage to boost his spirits, but only her presence would boost his performance.

the chair across from her pulled out with an uncomfortable scrape of the legs against the floor. she grimaced slightly, but it quickly disappeared when she refocused on the hand that slid a mug filled with hot coffee to her.

clearly they were going to be here a while, judging from the mug and not a to-go cup. she watched the steam swirl into the air as she softly blew on it while lando sat across from her with his beverage of choice. she also noticed the chocolate-chip cookie in a paper bag he held.

he remembered her love of sweets. she took a sip of her coffee. he remembered her order to the finest detail. he still remembered.

“thanks,” she spoke quietly before taking another small sip of the hot beverage. it slightly burned her tongue and throat as she drank, but she didn’t care to notice.

she was sitting across from lando norris, the one person she had been hoping to avoid this whole time, and now she’s sat with him at a coffee shop they used to frequent when they were dating.

“you’re welcome,” he muttered, his saddened eyes unmoving from her face, watching every expression of hers unfold. “so, how have you been?”

“you’ve already asked that,” she stated simply.

“i mean,” he started, leaning forward with his arms crossed against the table, “how have you really been? i don’t believe for a second that you’ve been fine when i‘m barely holdin’ it together.”

she sighed, taking another sip and grimacing at the burn, “it’s been difficult, but i know it was for the best that we broke up.”

he nodded in response, his fingers circling the rim of his mug as he stared into it.

she spoke up again, saying the words he dreaded to hear, “and i think it should stay that way.”

his shoulders visibly dropped and he bit his cheek before he looked back at her with colorless eyes, “but—” he began when she hastily cut him off.

“i need you to let me go,” her voice cracked as she spoke and tears filled her eyes as she avoided his gaze, “you have to let me let you go, lan.”

“please, don’t make me do this,” he begged, leaning forward again with a look that could make her change her mind in a second.

“please, don’t make this harder than it already is,” she shook her head as the tears began to fall, “in another universe, it might’ve been me and you, maybe the circumstances would've been in our favor, but not in this one.”

“it’s just right person, wrong life.”

“i’ll find you in our next lifetime then,” he promises, his eyes brimming with tears. he tried his best to hold back, for her, “i promise.” he tried to remain strong, for her.

“I know you will.” she said simply, smiling through her tears as she pursed her lips, sniffling as she played with her fingers. “y’know, i'll always be your number one supporter, lan. i'll still cheer for you, just from behind a screen. in that other life, i would come to your races.”

“but even in this one, i'll still celebrate your first win, your first championship. i'll vote you for driver of the day, even if you’re dead last.”

he chuckled sadly at the last part, the corner of his mouth twitching with a smile, “how will i know for sure you didn’t get bored of watching me race?” his hand reached across the table, his tan slightly faded and his rings cold.

she rolled her eyes softly, “you’ll know. i promise.” she laid her hand on his, the last somewhat intimate touch they’ll ever have with each other because after he watched her stand, pocketing the cookie he bought. he watched her through the window as she walked into the crowd as if their paths never met.

he watched with tears in his eyes, silently crying as he watched the love of his other life turn her back on him forever. he let her.

because if there was one thing he knew how to do, it was letting her go.

part of her wanted him to chase after her, wipe her mascara-stained tears just like that regretful day in their old apartment because part of her still wanted him in her life. she wished she could still go back sometimes.

he wished she would just come back. he wanted to experience life with her, he wanted to win with her, be a champion with her.

but he lived in the wrong universe, and he was unsure if he'd ever see her in this life again, in the way he wanted. they would bump shoulders on the street, looking longingly for just a second as they ushered by in a hurry. not looking back, but never forgetting how much they had meant to each other for the time they were together.

how crossing paths, even for what seemed like the shortest time to them, changed the trajectory of their lives forever. they would subconsciously look for qualities of each other in the people they moved onto. telling stories to their kids and grandkids about the other in regretful tones because they wished it was the kids they had together that they could tell the story of their relationship to.

because now they were just strangers, she was just a name he would forever keep on his car, and he was just an old lover turned stranger she would send flowers to after every podium and win until he would retire.

—

taglist (found here): @slut4lrh @taylorslovesswifties13 @leclercdream

proofread by @foreveralbon <333

[spectorswife]

Sneak Peak of Bi-Han fic :)

Keep in mind, I have never written a fanfiction before in my life, let alone smut. I am showing you guys a sneak peak of what I am writing and I want ya'll to let me know whether or not I should continue :)

“You lack conviction”

“Same as you lack intelligence, speaking to your Grandmaster with such disrespect”

You two are alone in his chamber since you needed to speak with him urgently before training, and somehow it always turns into a screaming match between you two. It’s no surprise he would pull the ‘Grandmaster’ card, it’s all he ever uses. It tends to get old really quick, REALLY fast. You felt a headache form as you rolled your eyes in annoyance. The fact that you still put up with it is honestly mindblowing. You tend to follow in Kuai Liang’s footsteps when it comes to ignoring the superiority complex of his brother, however today it’s finally getting under your skin. When training as a fellow member of the Lin Kuei, you endure alot of things, pain, suffering, whether its physically, mentally, or emotionally; however Bi-Han manages to make you want to simply wish for him to silence himself the way he does the other members of the clan.

“I thought the title of ‘Grandmaster’ would also allow you to have common sense and competence, but it seems both are lacking in your favor”.

You see his eyes squint at you and you see his eyebrows squeeze together, you never noticed him being this riled up yet still maintained his posture. He proceeds to move his steps closer to you and points at you,

“Why would I take orders from someone as yourself, not a single drop of Lin Kuei blood in your veins and you still continue to blabber your idiocy at me like a fool, you are not one of us, so don’t spit at me asserting the power you wish you had”

Those words were spat in your face almost as if you just got punched in the face by the grandmaster himself. Just like that, you felt your blood boiling, your jaw clenches, your eyes narrow with you feel your fists clenching. Because your Grandmaster who stands before you has done the one thing that he has never done before, which is insult your origin. You have always known you were never truly a member of the Lin Kuei, however you were very thankful when Kuai Liang found you and took you in. Bi-Han was against it from the very beginning, however you never understood why he disliked you in particular, you always followed his orders and you were one of his best fighters, right up there with Kuai and Tomas; and he still continued to undermine your potential. In this instance, he proceeds to undermine you, degrade you, as if your training and time with the clan means nothing to him. All you did was present an idea on a new training method for potential new comers, since Kuai Liang has trusted you to train the young ones along his side, all you want is what is best for the clan since this clan has become a new type of family to you, and Bi-Han decides to toss it to the side like it’s trash.

You’re already trying your hardest to keep your composure in the presence of him, he knows he gets under your skin, and with his huge ego, he is constantly fueled by what you say in return. He knows that what he said got to you, he can basically see the fumes leaving your body and all you can think of in the moment is violence, however if you hit him now, you’ll lose, if you open your mouth again, you lose; it seems like anything you do, ends up being a loss on your behalf. That’s how he always made you feel, like you’re never enough and you finally decided to accept it. He stands before you with his arms crossed, just simply waiting for what you have to say next. You inhaled deeply, and exhaled calmly, you felt your fists unclench and you did the only thing you could do in this scenario:

You walked away.

When doing so, Bi-han to some surprise, is in shock with your actions, his eyebrows rose in disbelief and he unfolded his arms. “Hmmph” he grunted, “Mind your place”, and shut the door behind you, masking what he was truly feeling. Although this was a win on his behalf, he sure didn’t feel like a winner. For the first time in a long time, the infamous Sub-Zero, felt bad?

LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE :/

[hanasnx]

trust

summary: your little crush on the lord you serve is exacerbated when he saves your life.

word count: 0.8k | character(s): darth vader x reader

notes: it was stuck in my head; you and vader aren’t in a relationship but you work together and get caught in this mess together.

warnings: vader being the lil bitch he is <3 no gore no violence tbh

“Look out!” the man overhead jeered, gripping tightly around your upper arm as he haphazardly tossed you off the open hatch. You yelped out of instinct, before landing hard in the arms of your lord. 

Darth Vader holds you much like a bride, and the chaos around you falls away. The gaze of his visor is fixed on the ship you were just thrown from, and he is eerily silent. In one dark second, you fear you’ve disappointed him, and the current compromising position becomes most dire. 

“Put me down!” you demand, thrashing in his grip out of humiliation. Complying, he drops your legs, and your feet are met with the nimble peak of the spire you both now balance on. Your toes overstep the edge, and once your eyes meet the ground far below, you panic. The adrenaline of the setting controls you, and you cling onto the Sith Lord. “Pick me back up- pick me back up!” Whatever is within reach: his cape, his robes, his shoulders are all fair game to use to your advantage, climbing up him without a second thought. 

His concentration and his freedom to force the shuttle to hold— to tear it back to him in order to escape this and teach those who wronged him a lesson— is broken, now focused on you and your frightened idiocy. The arm around your middle remains, but he grabs hold of your wrist as he stumbles back because of how you throw yourself at him. You scream in the face of death, and he counter-balances with your weight. As the two of you straighten, sharing the limited space chest to chest, an intense red cakes your cheeks from the proximity as well as your display of cowardice. He towers over you, and you feel the weight of his arms around you. 

If it were anyone else, he’d care not if they plunged to meet the Maker, but it was you. As infuriating as it is. 

“I’m—“ you begin your apology, but you are swiftly interrupted. 

“Calm yourself.” His rumbling command rolls through like a thunder, and you obey him so as to not worsen your unlucky circumstances. “I have no time for your groveling. There are more pressing matters at hand.” 

You gulp, and you nod. 

His arm moves to grasp your other wrist, raising them above your head, and twisting you delicately— much like a dainty doll— so your back is to him, his indicators jabbing into your skin. You try to ignore how much you like him taking control of a situation, so you don’t have to. Habitually, your fingers cup over his gloves, and tighten when he lifts you. Your feet part from the ground, and point, swaying in his hold as you gather the words. 

“Wait, wait, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to drop you.” he replies as he steps forward, the vision of life-defying height causing a lightning bolt of terror to course through your veins. 

“What?” you cry out, your legs kicking out, begging to be reinstated to the spire as narrow as it is. “No, no, my lord, please, I’ve done nothing—“ 

“Quiet! I am not condemning you to execution! I am going to catch you.” The anger in his voice, reminiscent of frustration rather than wrath, makes you tremble like a newborn fawn anyway. 

“What? No!”

“It is the only way.” 

“It is not!” 

Still he keeps you as you are, and you fight off tears. 

“You chose to ruin our chances when I could’ve caught the prosecutor's stolen shuttle! Accept your fate or die.” 

“Stop!”

His grip loosens, and you slip through, the thrill of falling shooting your stomach into your chest. Wind rips through your hair so loud you cannot hear your own scream. A cushion of air, invisible to the eye, envelopes you, slowing your descent. It’s nothing, there is no matter nor pressure; you float yet you are not feather-light. Your confusion interjects your cry, looking up to see Vader’s steady and shaped hand. He caught you, like he said he would. 

His range is incredible, and you wouldn’t have believed it if you didn’t witness it. The spire he remained at the top of, was kilometers tall. Yet you sense no struggle as the force around you dissipates, and you land curtly onto the sand. You check on the Sith, your predicament now resolved means you adopt a new one. How is he going to get down? 

Your question is answered as quickly as it was asked. 

The dark red of his sith blade ignites, filling into its form. You watch as he steps off the spire, and sinks his saber into its side. He slides down at a record pace, but he outstretches his hand, combining the efforts of the minimal friction of his weapon with the padding of the force. 

Heavy, he dents the ground when he makes contact, and like the lovesick fool you are, you’re entranced the entire time. The spire crumbles behind him, influenced by his opposing force pressure, the dust and debris clouds everywhere but him and where he steps. 

You’re not even spared a side glance as he passes you. 

“Come.” he recalls. Loyal, like a dog, you do as you’re told. 

[rarepears]

You know...

People don't have to be in LOVE to marry. Who's to say his ENEMIES don't wanna torment a-jiu?

-cough- Huanhua -cough-

-COUGH COUGH COUGH- Future Bingge once he has grown up -COUGH COUGH COUGH-

Also, good to know and also kinda awkward since my nickname is a single syllable.

Anyways, who's to say Liu "middle name dumb as a box of rocks" "second middlename Honorable to an idiocy" Qingge wouldn't also go fight in the tournament since he feels responsible and quilty for forcing Shen Qinggiu into this mess?

Yue Qingyuan would join headfirst there, no doubt.

BUT...

Spicing it up, wouldn't it be funny if a nameless ghost Cucumber joined because: Hey, this one might be family? Or atleast a ghost willing to talk instead of fighting?

Or a certain Huanhua head disciple, with a name that rhymes with LaoGong-cough cough cough-

(yes, that is Gongyi Xiao, and a pun on Laogong meaning husband, if my attempts at self-studies on chinese language are at all correct, no, i don't have a teacher, no, i don't have anyone helping. I won't try and write with the proper additives since i still can't make heads or tails on whether it is even Láo, Lào, Lâo with a flipped V, or Laó or something.)

If a nickname is a single character, then it's repeated twice. In fact, saying a single character twice for a name is seen as childish/cutesy and is usually used for (youngish) females. Hence Ning Yingying with the two "ying".

You bring up a good point. Plenty would be happy to get a peak lord ghost to themselves - by hook, crook, or marriage - for the cultivation secrets and goodies they could get out of it. Plus there would be the close ties to Cang Qiong (all the disciples he's taught, the sect leader, Cang Qiong secrets or just knowledge that's usually hidden away in the libraries)...

Yeah, I could see a LOT of benefits out of this. But this all hinges on the presumption that a ghost would still remember such information. I'm going to admit I don't know the Chinese ghost superstitions too well, but ghosts usually focus on their greatest resentment/obsession and the rest of their personality is kind of lost. Ghosts are not a complete reflection of what they were like alive. So, in the end, these people would be gambling to see if Shen Jiu the ghost could still remember anything outside of his obsession which might not be tied to anything cultivation related so...

[carrythatwayt]

Before The Beginning ✨️Color Theory✨️

Okay, this will be pretty long, tldr: everything is a mirror of everything. All opinions are my own after I was caught between the twin forces of memories from my art and film theory classes. All screenshots thanks to the great folks at cap-that.com

I'm going to start after "Let there be light" for obvious reasons, up until that point the lighting is bright but cold and white. The nebula gives us a diegetic (in scene) reason for the shifting and intense colors but I think it's really interesting to see how it was used to reinforce this universe-changing conversation.

"Look at you, you're gorgeous!"

The nebula is only beginning to throw off color, and what's the first thing that happens? Makes it appear like Aziraphale's wings are blushing when he realizes the compliment was not meant for him (and seriously, how adorable is he).

As the conversation winds on and Crowley excitedly decribes the nebula, colorful light is increasingly projected onto the angels, but not the background. This visually ties them together and the intensity of colors seems purposeful as well, since they immediately begins to cool and dim as Aziraphale explains the less-than-stellar purpose behind the star factory.

"What's the point in creating an infinite universe.... if you're only going to let it run a few thousand years?"

Two really interesting things happen here. A star-burst reminiscent of a halo explodes and dissipates behind Angel Crowley's head, and when his wings droop in disappointment, a small cloud of red can be seen appearing behind his left wing.

As Aziraphale attempts to explain the ineffable but all-important Earth and humans, he begins to gather an aura of gold, baby pink, and baby blue. Crowley's red cloud of confusion also continues to intensify as he listens.

"But that's idiocy!"

The reddish clouds of confusion and doubt really begin to pick up speed now as Angel Crowley vents his frustration and beats his wings hard in agitation (also, shout out to how ruffled his feathers become because it's a whole mood in itself).

Here's where things get dangerous.

"Someone has to say "Look Boss, this is a really terrible idea..."

The red cloud has become a roiling crimson storm filling half the frame beyond Crowley and casting dark red light on his face. Meanwhile Aziraphale's background stubbornly hangs onto its cool colors, now opal and turquoise.

"I don't suppose anyone could object to me putting a note in the suggestion box..."

The nebula's red gas has now completely filled Crowley's frames, surrounding him on all sides. The next interesting thing occurs behind Aziraphale.

"I don't think it's our place to start suggesting...!"

In contrast to Crowley's red cloud of doubt, I've been calling this Aziraphale's red ball of anxiety (hello my old friend). He is deeply perturbed by this line of conversation and as he is explaining that the Almighty doesn't have, and likely wouldnt appreciate a suggestion box, this red light floats from behind his wing to behind his head (again, mood).

"If I was the one running it all..."

The saturation of Crowley's red background has lessened a bit, but Aziraphale's Red Ball of Anxiety reaches its peak intensity at this statement as Aziraphale nervously casts his gaze around to see if any other angels heard this borderline blasphemy.

"How much trouble could I get into just for asking a few questions?"

While Angel Crowley is still firmly framed by the red cloud, its disrupted by pale light cast by baby stars or proto-planets, as if it was being leavened by his irrepressible optimism.

For his part, we leave Aziraphale in a riot of both warm and cool colors: golds, greens, pinks, purples... This makes absolute sense to me, seing as it highlights the riot of emotions Aziraphale goes through, beginning with raw concern for Crowley's safety but resolving to a frankly breathtaking amount of affection and admiration. Seriously, zoom in and become unwell with me.

Well, that's all folks! Cheers to you if you stuck it out this far, hope literally any of my rambling and possible derangement was interesting to literally any one else 😅

[hexed-padlock]

So I completed Curse of Strahd over a year and a half ago. I was just thinking about how my Tav, a white dragonborn named Iudex, can actually be my old D&D character Clatter the Kenku. Clatter was always impulsive and it’d make sense if they died during an adventure because they got cocky. So now it’s canon that Iudex was a Kenku back in their Barovia days. They died around a couple years after killing Strahd because of their own idiocy, got revived through the Reincarnate spell, and a few months later found themselves kidnapped by mindflayers.

Imagine Iudex’s reaction, whose adventuring career peaked at slaying Count Strahd Von Zarovich himself, learned that Astarion is a vampire spawn- how Astarion was mistreated and abused, and how he doesn’t believe anyone could kill Cazador.

Now they gotta face Cazador and Iudex is just completely trying not to name drop Strahd or their old name and party. Like “oh look at this loser. He’s got nothing on that Dread Lord I killed lol”

Anyway, post-Cazador and maybe post-game discussions with the party where Iudex off-handedly comments “If I had a gold for every time I killed a (tyrannical) Vampire Lord and an evil ‘god’ within the same week, I’d have two gold” and Strahd’s name is casually dropped somewhere there. Cue the party absolutely losing their shit. They don’t believe Iudex of course, and Iudex nonchalantly calls up this lich (her Barovia party’s wizard) who has taken up residence in Castle Ravenloft.

Other fun facts about my Tav:

Iudex’s patron is Neferon himself lol- this was before I tweaked their backstory to include the reincarnation bit. But now it’s just funny.

Clatter nearly died several times during her time in Barovia because she had zero brain to mouth filter. They learned from this of course, and is now very careful as Iudex though will still blow up if someone insults them.

Iudex fucked around somewhere and swapped their class from Druid to Warlock because “New body, new me” and made a whole backstory they tell everyone about never being able to wield magic so they made a deal with a powerful devil when in reality they’re just blackmailing Neferon somewhat.

[totkdaily]

Day 52: Pants, or No Pants?

I glide back down to the Stable in the dawn light and spot Addison. I build him truly the worst contraption to support his sign - but it works! 

Regan of the Zonai Survey Team says the stable girl left when they all took their clothes off. I'm not surprised. Bissi flatly refuses to undress - I don't blame her. 

Penn is here, investigating all this. He says a couple of the naked men went to investigate a monster den - and haven't come back. I don't like the sound of that… 

The stablewoman Gaile is hanging out with the dogs until the guys put their clothes back on. She says if I befriend the dogs they might lead me to treasure. Fun.

There's a smoke signal beyond her. But there's only a dog there? I wonder if I feed it…

It's only as the dog leads me into the nearby cave that I notice Domidak and Prissen. Ah, some of Misko's treasure is here. But they can't find it because the cave is completely full of treasure chests. The dog leads me right to the true treasure chest, and the ember trousers. 

Domidak looks hopefully for more treasure, but only finds a bottle with a message in that he has no interest in.

I read it when they've gone. It's from Misko. The ember trousers are but one of their hidden treasures - this, I knew. They point me to another - the Fierce Deity Sword. If I return wearing the clothing of the Fierce Deity, I will be rewarded. I need three keys. One beneath the bedchamber of Akkala's red-crowned citadel, one in the skull's left eye, one in an old stump on Hyrule Field.

Well. The middle one sounds easy, the other two less so. I'll see what I can do on my travels. 

But what's in all these other chests? Single rupees. No wonder Domidak and Prissen lost interest. The cave is great for catching lizards, though. 

Outside, Dom and Priss are discussing where to go next. They've got old manuscripts, riddles that Misko wrote. I pay him 100 rupees for each of them. 

They all begin the same way:

"I discovered the green clothes of a man who admitted fairies and have hidden them away. Solve my riddle to find them anew."

The twins: "In West Necluda stand twins poised to duel. Each contains a cavern that faces the other. Show the little twin's sign to the big twin to open the door to my treasure."

Could that be the Dueling Peaks?

The pirate cavern: "A forgotten pirate cavern lurks at the foot of Cape Cales overlooking the Necluda Sea. The short shrill song of wind through lips will open the way to my treasure." 

Eight heroines: "Statues of the eight heroines reside in the desert. Enter the valley carved into Hemaar's Descent and shine the light of day upon the towering eighth. The path to the treasure will open before you.

Interesting. Misko certainly travelled far and wide. 

I should go and look for those two guys who went looking for monsters in their underpants though. 

I grab Peaches from Ozunda at the stable, and head out. He wants a photo of Daruk's statue to hang in the stable - noted. 

I don't have to go far up the road to find two naked guys trying to pluck up the idiocy to approach monsters with no clothes on. Drant and Sango. They tell me of Zelda's supposed advice. I volunteer to deal with the monsters - but these idiots are men of their word, so I need to match their feat of going in with no gear… 

This is so stupid. We're just idiots throwing rocks at each other. 

It takes me well into the evening to defeat the monsters. It's not being in my underpants that's the problem - it's losing my weapons and materials! 

I was minded to ignore the korok on the way back down to the stable - but then I see a steering stick and think it might be fun. And it is!

I build a small craft and pilot our way across the hot springs, even grabbing some luminous stones on the way back. Then I whistle for Peaches, and head for the stable. 

The men are all clustered around Penn, with a new researcher - Lecia. She says Zelda actually said: "So, prepare your mind and body, and then explore all other paths!"

Bougan tries to make everyone feel better about it - but they all put their clothes back on pretty quick.

[rliabl-narrator]

Microphone and Test Tube and Trust

For the last few episodes of inanimate insanity season 2, we see these two clash. I’m going to be focusing on Alternate Reality Show, Mine Your Own Business, and Hatching The Plan respectively, but before I get into that I want to talk about their characters leading up to these episodes.

Microphone: Started her alliance with Taco and already has a few disagreements with her methods, seemingly just floating through the game.

Test Tube: Not social at all, mainly focuses on helping the people around her and herself

EP. 12: ALTERNATE REALITY SHOW

So, Mic and Taco at the vending machine because Mic wants to return a taser that Taco had stolen from Test Tube’s lab at some point. I’d also like to note that, before this, neither of them had really interacted with the other team, aside from the maze.

Mic goes down and Test Tube immediately does not trust her, calling her a Jeebweezer, which means “An individual of high suspicion or idiocy.” Test Tube accidentally reveals her Time Machine, piquing Taco’s interest. Then, Lightbulb, wacky hijinks, they get portal’d away. Mic is clearly freaking out after, but Taco frames it as taking out two competitors. They steal the invisi-bow ties and leave.

Not much else happens that episode. Test Tube and Lightbulb come back safe, Knife finds out about Mic and Taco’s alliance, but it does show Test Tube and Microphone getting off on the wrong foot.

EP. 13: Mine Your Own Business

There’s only a few key things this episode. Test Tube is mostly focused on other’s (Lightbulb, Baseball, Fan) safety, while Mic is focused on Knife and trying to get him to join the alliance.

At the end, Knife warns them about Test Tube and Fan analyzing everyone, which now shifts their focus onto them. So, using the bows, they lead Suitcase straight to the gem just as Fan and Test Tube arrive. Using her dart blaster, Tets Tube tries to hit Suitcase, but she ends up hitting a invisible Microphone.

So, not only does she see Mic with one of her inventions that she stole, she sees that she was actively working against them. So going into episode 14, they are already on negative terms, plus Test Tube is a little um shaken after taking the egg in the Fantube divorce.

Also, they fucking left Mic in the mines paralyzed and that is so very funny to me

Ep. 14: Hatching The Plan (A.K.A Peak Fiction)

So Fan gets captured, Test Tube paralyzes an entire spaceship, it’s all cool. Test Tube is very clearly distressed and unhinged through all of this. Mic suggests that her secret lab could help them, and Test Tube becomes overdramatic and sets off literal fireworks. She makes a little quip about Mic stealing from her, and they move on.

So, while their building the vending machine ship, Microphone is sitting off to the side, and I’m assuming Test Tube made her because she doesn’t trust her at all, and clearly states so multiple times. Taco, of course, forms a plan of sorts, and tells Mic to buy her time, so now Mic is actively working against the ships success (both the literal rocket ship and Testmic) and Test Tube again, putting them at odds.

Mic almost accidentally kills Test Tube, but the ship goes up. Mic doesn’t really know what Taco’s plan is but she make’s her promise no violence, and guess what. Taco immediately kills Test Tube with a gun that she probably made and I think that’s when Mic finally stops, turning on Taco and stepping in front of the gun barrel. She cuts ties with Taco immediately after the challenge is over.

Unfortunately the damage was already done and Mic saves Fan, winning the challenge. She brings him back and everyone is cheering. aside from Test Tube, who is just staring in hurt and disbelief. Mic is completely silent throughout this whole scene as everyone applauds her, and when Test Tube tries to explain what really happened, no one (aside from LB) believed her, and Fan wasn’t conscious, so he couldn’t back her up.

“I hope it was worth it.”

And then Microphone quits the game.

And then Test Tube is eliminated.

And then they become roommates at the hotel (this isn’t canon but c’mon yes it is)

I find it so interesting how despite Test Tube knowing she couldn’t trust Mic before Hatching the Plan and showing nothing but irritation towards her, she still felt like Mic had stabbed her in the back. Because yes, Test Tube knew she could steal, and cheat, but she didn’t know Microphone would go that far to win the stupid challenge.

And Mic is just so sorry for everything she did, leaving them in a place where they should be able to patch things up but Test Tube just doesn’t want to hear it, why would she ever trust anything Mic had to say?

[lurxof--thxmaw]

So since you won't marry me (which is fine, I'm not upset), I wanted to ask: you know the lady with the scarecrow mask? You know, blue kimono, big ass autism eyes and pathetic energy? Well, is she single?

For possibly the first time in her long life, the Lady is speechless. She thought she had finally met the peak of idiocy a long time ago, but today she must retract that statement.

The shifty shadows behind her shoulders are easy to ignore, even as one of them pipes up timidly, 『A-Are they talking about me?』 between the whispers. Her surprise is evident and, as much as she hates to admit it, the Lady shares her sentiment. All this information was supposed to be secret － everything the Lady had ever shared about her predecessors was the bare minimum. She hadn't even spoken their names.

"Mind your words", the Lady snaps, eyes narrowing as the temperature in the room grows colder. Though it is a comment done in good faith, she will not allow any ill words in regards to her ancestors, no matter how aggravating they could be. "The person you seek is long gone. She has been deceased for the past two centuries." Her spirit was well and kicking (unfortunately), but that was not necessary information for her guest to know.

"I suggest you search for someone else to share your... affections with." She adds sternly before taking her leave. She can't wait to finally follow through on her promise and eat your soul.

All due time. All due time.

[lassusog]

Here's some Royai for you to think about, hehe 👀

"Did you really expect me to just stand by and watch?" - the question hung in the air, piercing the agonizing silence between them.

��Good book?”

Riza looks up from the page to find her Colonel on the threshold of her hospital’s room on her left. 

“The characters are having a fight,” she tells him and watches as he closes the door behind him and takes his coat off to drape it on the back of a chair beside her bed.

“Is it because he ripped his shirt?” he asks with barely concealed amusement as he makes himself comfortable on the chair.

Riza glances at the book’s cover, and in spite of herself, can’t help but smile. On it is a photograph of a muscular actor wearing a threadbare shirt that barely covers anything.

“It’s Rebecca’s,” she says pointedly, marking her page with a bookmark and setting it on her right side where he won’t be able to see it. “She brought it when she came in the morning.” 

“That was good of her,” he says, and then grins. “Now that you’re away from the office, you must miss looking at good-looking men.” He stretches shamelessly on his chair and shoots her a look of mock pity.

Riza considers throwing the book on his head. Instead, “You’re right, I do miss looking at my dog,” she answers, deadpan. 

“Touché,” he sighs, and she forgives him for his idiocy, because his smile – his real one, a bright and rare thing – stays, and it warms her in a way nothing else can.

“They’re letting me out tomorrow afternoon,” she says after a moment of comfortable quiet. 

He frowns. “Isn’t that a little soon?”

She bristles. “I’ve been here for four days, and only so they could check the concussion, which has mostly healed now,” she presses as she sees him open his mouth.

“Two days is hardly a long time for a patient recovering from a car crash,” he insists, and she watches his eyes follow the trail of bruises down one side of her face.

“A minor car crash,” she counters, “that I came out of with a mild concussion and a sprained wrist. Hardly something to get worked up about.” 

He takes in a measured breath. “And you say I handle injuries poorly,” he mutters.

“You wouldn’t have stayed twenty minutes if you were in my place,” she says drily. “And,” she begins before he can respond, “you can see I’m fine as you’ve been visiting every day since I’ve been admitted. Three times per day,” she adds at the end, light exasperation coating the words. 

He hums noncommittally, stubbornly refusing to give in. But, “Thrice a day is a perfectly normal number of times to visit,” he states with an air of authority. 

Riza raises her eyes to the heavens. “You are on a first-name basis with all my nurses and know their working hours by heart.” 

“It’s called being polite and observant, qualities that tend to be appreciated by most,” he fires back, indignantly. 

“I’m also going to assume you haven’t caught up on all the paperwork you neglect to come here every day,” she arches a brow.

For a moment she thinks she has him but then, “You say all those things but what I really hear is “I’m very glad you come here every day because your company is excellent, and brightens my dull hospital stay.”  

She tries to hold it in, but she lets out a laugh the likes of which only he can pull out of her, and at the sound of it he breaks into a smile that she could look at every day of her life and never get tired of.

“Says the man who visits three times a day,” she argues and there are traces of laughter in the words. 

Dramatically, he places a hand on his chest. “I think I’m being very brave about it.”

She opens her mouth to speak but is cut short by the door opening and one of her nurses peaking her head through it. 

“Visiting hours are over, I’m afraid,” she informs them and leaves the door open behind her meaningfully. 

“You are going to have to be brave about it again, it looks like,” she tells him, and he sighs loudly enough to make her smile again. 

She watches him pull on his coat and walk to the door with what she realizes, is a disappointment to see him go. 

Before he crosses the threshold, he turns to her. “I’ll come again in the morning,” he says and fondness blooms inside her as he smiles meaningfully. 

As he closes the door, Riza smiles down at her hands. I’m very glad you come here every day because your company is excellent, and brightens my dull hospital stay.

[incarnateirony]

2p0 has made it pretty clear when he’s suggesting . The Winchesters cancelled by the CW with them shopping it around elsewhere

there's so many levels of stupidity in this. i would literally need to break enjoying the airing episode to write entire paragraphs writing why every word in this is stupid, but why that particular arrangement of words is peak idiocy.

Like. One, no. But two, shopping it around to whomst. Why would they shop it around. Why wouldn't it just go straight to Max for WB to profit direct. it is literally already invested in by WB and CBS and CBS has a network too. shopping it aroundsdfsdf SDFKJSDFJSDF idiotssssssssssssssssss KJSDFKSJDf

how high are you

who's shopping it to whomst

are they saying Jensen's selling it to WB? Who's selling it to whomst, where is this peddling happening, is WB selling it to themselves, what are these lunatics not understanding now

[godmybackhurts]

Chapter two of 8 bits is enough for us is out! Thanks again to @bloodgulchblog and @poisonheadcrabsalesman as well as a new addition, @peak-idiocy who helped me come up with names! I am also tagging @thecalenture because I created a character specifically for them!

[redhairedgirl95]

Would Brandon’s parents ever see Stellas parents argue

There are parents and parents

Set during season 3 episode 1

“Do you need me to accompany you, Anne?”

“Oh no, Stella. I just need to fetch my shawl and I’ll be back right away.” Anne smiled.

“Okay. We’ll be by the main fountain.” Stella said, smiling at her.

Brandon took her hand and they started walking across the gardens, with Lucas behind them, chatting with Samson and Cyrus about Solarians and Eraklyans different fighting techniques.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She remembered where their room was, or she thought she did. She was fairly certain it was on the fourth floor, but which hallway? Solaria’s royal palace was much bigger than Eraklyon’s, and it had a completely different room scheme, but maybe …

“It’s official! You are out of your fucking mind!”

Anne stopped to a halt when a woman’s voice filled the dimly lit corridor. She was definitely arguing with someone, but that someone kept his voice much lower than hers.

“And I thought you’d reached the peak of idiocy when you granted her a place at the castle.”

“Luna! Remember your place!” It seemed the person she was talking to was no longer able to hold his temper, and, having heard that voice, now Anne had a pretty good idea who those two people were.

“I may no longer be Queen, but I know she will never be one. Bed her all you want, but don’t marry her. You’ll regret it.” Former Queen Luna said, each word a block of ice.

“You have no business judging me.” King Radius replied. “You have all the freedom you want. Shouldn’t I be allowed the same privilege?”

“You are the King of the most powerful realm in all of Magix! You can’t just marry whoever you fancy!”

“Because it’s not possible that Cassandra likes me for me and not for my title, of course.” His tone was even colder that hers. “She’s not you, you know.”

“Twenty years of marriage and this is what you think of me.” She slammed the door open. “Tell Stella I won’t be attending her ball. I can’t stand being in the King’s presence.”

“Luna, come back here!” He ordered, but she had already left the room, coming face to face with …

“Move.” Luna ordered, just as Radius reached her in the hallway and noticed …

“Anne.” He bit his tongue.

Anne bowed, first to him and then to her. “Your Majesty.” She said twice.

Luna looked at her ex-husband, waiting for him to make the proper introductions.

“Luna, this is Anne. She is Stella’s boyfriend’s mother. I told you they’d be staying at the Palace …”

Brandon’s mother. “Of course.” The former Queen regained her composure as if she hadn’t just been caught screaming at her ex-husband by a commoner. “Nice to meet you, Anne. Stella tells me you’re Eraklyon’s best seamstress. I look forward to seeing some of your work. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my car is waiting.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” She bowed once again, and Luna left without turning back.

“Is there anything you need?” Radius asked Anne, once Luna had disappeared down the stairs. Literally.

“I was just looking for my bedroom.”

“Two hallways down, to the left.” He answered.

“Thank you. Goodnight, Your Majesty.”

He nodded his head and left into the opposite direction. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“What took you so long?” Lucas asked, once Anne finally joined them by the fountain.

“I’ll tell you later.” She replied, heading straight for Stella, who was sitting on the edge of the fountain with Brandon.

“Anne!” The princess smiled, but was a bit confused once she saw she didn’t have what she’d gone to look for. “You don’t have your shawl …”

Anne hugged her tight. “I love you, dear. We all do, you know?”

Stella stood still for a moment, surprised by that gesture, but then she hugged her too. “I … I love you too.”

Anne took a step back and caught a tear that was trailing down her own cheek.

“Mom, are you all right?” Brandon asked, confused.

“I’m perfectly fine, darling. And I can’t wait to learn all about tonight’s sky.” She added, looking at the Princess again.

Stella smiled and led the way, taking Brandon’s hand. “Then come with me! We’ll have a better view from there.”

Lucas and Anne followed them. “So?” He whispered.

“I’ve seen Stella’s parents. It wasn’t a pleasant meeting.” She replied. “Let’s make sure her ball is a huge success, okay?”

[thetrashbagswasteland]

TOP 5 TERRIBLE BIRDS TURIANS GO

HOW WILL I MANAGE TO PICK JUST 5 In ascending order of how much these stupid chicken-people occupy my waking thoughts: First up: Honourable mention has to go to Garrus, our dear dumb bird. The archetype of all stupid fucking chicken-aliens, god are there no limits to the levels of idiocy that this boy can come up with? Given that he's the first pebble I tripped over on this slippery slope, he has to be featured even if he's not in the top 5. Somehow he came out far too well adjusted and nice to make this list. And with that, the main event: 5. Vetra Nyx

My beloved lesbian romance option - not a horrible bird per se but the best girl in any galaxy. Tough, no-nonsense workaholic with a heart of gold and a chequered past we really don't get enough of. 4. Nihlus Kryik He might have all the plot armour of a fairground goldfish handed to a toddler but boy oh boy does this boy have some interesting stories to tell. Love how we all took one look at him and decided "yeah you're an annoyingly friendly bastard". 3. Adrien Victus Primarch DILF was always gonna feature on this list, let's be honest. He gets third step on the podium simply by being the primary purveyor of angst in so much ME3 content and not enough of my waking thoughts get occupied by him bc the top two crusty bastards have no respect. 2. Avitus Rix Holy fuckiNG SHIT how much trauma can I put this mean vulture through before someone calls fictional character protection services? Gimme nothing more than sad gay ex-spectre with a mean temper bioware and I'll do the rest. He gets to do so much fucked up shit I can't justify anyone else doing and it just suits him so damned well. Definition of a man who looks good soaked in so much blood that you need to hose them off before they can come in the house. and, of course, number 1. Castis Vakarian Best troubled parental figure possible, from being a well-meaning but hopelessly lost dude who's fighting a losing battle simply based on having to try to parent Garrus (no seriously, I challenge anyone to have done better with that dumb fuck), to sad bastard whos friend fucks off to andromeda and leave him to suffer the reaper invasion, to my favourite creation - sticking him in a confined space with Avitus "walking warcrime" Rix like putting menthos in coke. Something sticky is bound to result and it's not always blood. He's as stupid and self-destructive as his boy, but in far more dramatically poignant ways. Also pairing him with Rix allows him to be a massive fucking hypocrite and I love doing that as a result. Hate spectres? Nah babe you're in love with one who breaks your heart every other week. Peak pathetic excuse for a peacock, love to see it.

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Tiger Cage II (Yuen, 1990)

The first Tiger Cage was a corrosive cops versus crooks actioner with amazing action scenes. Tiger Cage II is a kinder, gentler, more lighthearted actioner... but also with amazing action scenes. In the first movie, whatever trust we could place in authority or even in our friends proved to be fleeting. Here, if you think you’re having trouble trusting authority on this side of the law, well, they have the same problem on the other side. And if some of the good guys might not be so good, well, some of the bad guys might not be so bad. The boisterous violence of the first movie has been toned down, with the violence less graphic this time around, or at least lingered on less blatantly, but the pace has not let up. Here, we start at a law firm doing some kind of crooked criminal deal involving drug money from eeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllll foreigners, where Donnie Yen (returning from the first film but as a different character) gets mistakenly accused of murder when the deal goes south and a bunch of people end up dead. He’s soon paired up with Rosamund Kwan, whom he rescues from the carnage, finds himself accused by, and then gets paired up with as both flee from the bad guys and try to prove their innocence.

Yen’s and Kwan’s scenes together are played almost like a romantic comedy, like a Hong Kong action movie version of It Happened One Night, stringing contrived set piece after contrived set piece together at a breakneck pace. The result feels almost free associative, stringing together the bare minimum of cop and crook tropes as it bounces from one scene to the next almost reflexively. True, if the characters bothered to slow down, they could easily resolve any confusion. One gets the sense that this is like The Wrong Guy, where the police have good reason to believe they’re innocent, especially after getting in a shootout with a black-clad motorcyclist killer after witnessing said killer do the deeds Yen and Kwan think they’re accused of. But it’s hard to complain about any idiocy in the plotting when we get scenes like Yen peeing his pants while handcuffed to Kwan and Yen threatening to torture somebody with Perrier water. If you subscribe to the theory that actors essentially play the same character in all their movies, then that’s technically Ip Man peeing his pants in that scene.

I probably don’t need to tell you that Yen is extremely charismatic and a remarkable physical performer, but will note that at one point we see him kick down three bad guys while still in midair. (I don’t know if I’d describe the movie as stylish, but the action scenes are directed with undeniable verve, and images like Yen charging at the camera and the atmospheric scene in the darkened tunnel have a palpable visual impact.) I will also note that after seeing Kwan in Prince Charming, where she’s unfortunately outmatched by Cherie Chung and Maggie Cheung, and Armour of God, where she has unfortunately little to do, I think this movie makes a good case for her particular charms. We also get Cynthia Khan, who has her name misspelled in the credits and is maybe underused, but does get to face off with the motorcyclist killer. I am less familiar with her than some of the other girls with guns stars, but perhaps I will make time to explore her body of work. Also, as I mentioned earlier, there are some eeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllll foreigners, although instead of the lady with the nice hat from the first one, we get a guy with a ponytail. Which sounds like a downgrade, until I reveal that the ponytail guy has a sword, which we uses to face off against Yen in an all-timer action sequence. Which would be the peak of most movies, but this one finds time to deliver a few more amazing fight scenes right after, because one climax is for pussies.

Alas, the excellence of the first two entries is not maintained by Tiger Cage III, but for a movie that’s not very good, it’s surprisingly good. That’s a contradiction, you say? Well, first of all, fuck you, I’m trying to coin a phrase. Second, what I mean to say is that while there are pretty blatant narrative weaknesses that keep this from being remotely as enjoyable as the first two, it still delivers pretty ably on the kind of pleasures we see these movies for. This time, the sense of corruption has become almost background noise, as we go from a tale of corporate wrongdoing and insider trading to a Phantom of the Opera riff about sexual misconduct and greed, all conveyed with as little feeling as possible. A large part of the problem is the cast, as this lacks anyone with the star power or charisma as the leads in the first two movies. Instead, we get such memorable faces as ascot dude, long hair dude (the specific kind of non-grunge long hair dude they stopped making after the mid ‘90s), and a hero whose facial scars resemble the pizzaface makeup of the zombies in Hell of the Living Dead. Which is to say, I did not find the proceedings terribly worthwhile to invest in, but it’s hard to hold that against the movie too strongly when we have such action delights as a fight with fiery wooden planks and a speedboat / jet ski chase with rocket launchers.

[castielmacleod]

OH and as if there weren’t enough things in this show to make me pissed about late seasons Crowley. I will NEVER forgive the stupid fucking backstory they gave him for how he became king of hell.

Crowley is SMART! It’s a unique thing on this show, intelligence, but he truly has it in the early seasons. He’s ambitious, and he’s an opportunist, and he knows how to play the game, and he’s always one step ahead of everyone. I KNOW he had his neat and tidy insurrection already underway the instant Lucifer’s arse hit the cage. I know he sent his demons in first to clean out the old regime and by the time he himself actually got there he WALKED into hell, uncontested, wearing that smug self-satisfied smile of his. Stepped over a few corpses, picked off some stragglers with a few nonchalant flicks of the wrist, maybe. And then he sat down on the throne and immediately started to reorganise. Bring me this, see to that, from now on we’ll be doing it this way, etc. Everything already thought through and decided literally years in advance, with contingencies. His demons rush around like busy ants as he sits back, fiddles with his pen, drinks the scene in. The Winchesters up top are none the wiser that he helped them so diligently across the chessboard only so they’d get rid of his Lucifer problem, thereby paving the way to this exact moment. Boy, does he love it when he’s right. So begins the reign of King Crowley, long may he reign.

At least that was what I liked to imagine in my head. But oh no! 12x12 came along, wherein Mr Perez thought, “hm, you know how Crowley became king? He tried to make some other guy king. But that guy was like, ‘Eh no thanks, someone else can have the throne. You take it or smthn idfk lol’ And Crowley was just like ‘😳😳😳😳😳wuah what?????? Me???? 😳😳😳 Well…. omg 😂😂 if you say so😂’ and boom! That’s how he became king.” Like what in the fucking idiocy

Not only is that supposed to be Crowley, it’s supposed to be Crowley circa season 5, when he was more or less at his genuine peak as far as his character writing goes. And that’s how he, that guy from season 5, is supposed to have become king of hell. Not because of his own cunning or charisma, not because of anything he carved out for himself, not even because he saw an opening and took it, and certainly not because he’d won over any actual supporters or key demonic political figures to back up his claim. Nope, it was pure happenstance on a silver platter. I mean the sheer disrespect??? The sheer defanging of a capable ambitious character?

Like is it really any wonder, then, why nobody liked or supported Crowley or his rule canonically. 12x12 revels he was just the annoying crossroads guy installed on a whim by an absent abdicated prince—a prince who, by the way, gave so little of a fuck he only cared enough to pick his successor out of the two demons standing immediately in front of him and was just as ready to hand the throne to Crowley’s random unnamed aide had Crowley turned him down. I mean, wow. What a stellar endorsement for Crowley’s kingship. Like, Ramiel knew neither of them, and nothing against Crowley’s aide in particular but at least Crowley had a position as king of the crossroads? But this guy was still like “well if you don’t want it maybe your aide does? Idk. This is equivalent to me.” Hi?????

Anyway tl;dr this show is just fucking inimitable. There’s not a single other show this fucking stupid I think. This stupid fucking show