#personally i dont because what he did makes me uncomfy

[damagedcoda6669]

sorry if this is a personal question but, what's ur relationships with ur head mates?:) because I know for me personally, my head mates personality depend on when they came out. making alot of them complete assholes(p′︵‵。) I just wanna know if that's the same for you(O_O)

(WARNING IM GONNA RAMBLE ABT MY HEADMATES /silly

i love rambling i love yapping, like unironically i just love going on useless tangents >:3)

only one of them is active rn, and she hasnt talked 2 me in a few weeks i think??? (shes like a vampire, she needs permission 2 come in, but just becuz shes polite and doesnt wanna freak me out) she started out pretty friendly and nice, she made a few jokes that made me uncomfy but shes a kid and shes socially awkward so i dont think that was her intention. but the last few times shes talked 2 me shes been kind of aggressive??? specifically becuz i havent had time 2 talk 2 her, shes lashed out at me, which is kinda out of character 4 her??? (shes a fictive(?) of lain iwakura) unless shes starting 2 manifest as her wired version??? idk what her deal is, she originally showed up with the intention 2 offer solace and companionship but then she like, split randomly??? (BPD split not DID split) IM NOT MAD AT HER BTW im honestly just worried abt her :(

ive had lots of differing relationships with previous headmates!!! me and edgy were kinda GAY 4 a while until he also split on me, me and carol were STRAIGHT but then i broke up with her and lost access 2 my headspace, rero existed just 2 bully me, playdate and goofball would try 2 comfort me in distressing situations, and marilyn and suzy existed as familial figures 4 me

[asterifish]

Hi could I request a Pervy domtop yandere soobin x sub male.reader? And the rest can be up to you

Hellooo! Im so sorry this has taken so long I've been busy with finals and personal stuff 😭

i hope this is what you wanted, i made soobin a bit of a stalker, and it took a big turn at the end.

Following you.

*****************************************

M/n always had tue feeling that someone was following him, but wvery time he looked around, nobody was there.

As the months passed, m/n because more and more cautious of his surroundings. He moved apartment buildings twice, and for a while it got peaceful. One day as m/n was leaving his college campus to go to work, he got the dreaded feeling again. Rushing to the Café he worked at, he almost slammed the door behind him, scaring a nearby customer. Apologizing silently, m/n rushed to tell his boss that he was clocking in so he could get to work.

An hour passes, and that dreaded feeling is still lingering. As m/n walks around the Café, he can feel someone staring ar him. Walking back to the counter, he quickly scanned the Café, his eyes meeting those of a man. The man was sitting all the way in the corner of the café. M/n recognized him as a man he'd served at the beginnung of his shift.

After telling his boss he was taking a break, m/n walked over to the man in the corner. Sitting down, he frowned. "Can I help you with anything? You keep staring at me... Its making me a bit uncomfy." M/n tried to keep the frown off his face, but he knew that it was still prominent on his face.

The male aceoss from his smirked and leaned foward. "I cant help it baby, you're just so pretty.." M/n almost jumped out of his seat, but stopped himself. "I'm taken, sorry." He lied, and then excused himself from the table. Before he could get very far, a voice stopped him cold in his tracks.

"Dont you ever wonder... What that feeling is? That dreaded feeling of someone following you? Who it could be..?"

M/n turned around so fast he almost fell, but the man was gone. Breathing quickly and quietly, m/n ran to grab his stuff, shouting to his boss that it was an emergency and he had to go. Once on the street, m/n scanned the roads for any sign of the man. Shivering, m/n headed home, makin sure to lock the door behind him.

This, was his first mistake. As soon as m/n turnes around, he came face to face with the man from the Café. "H....how did you get into my-" m/n was cut off by a harsh kiss to his lips, which took him by suprise. Dropping the bag that was in his hand, m/n tried to push away the other, but he was much stronger.

As the stranger led m/n deeper into his house to the bedroom, ge thought about screaming. But the more he thiught about it, he realized how subtly gentle the other was being. The stranger was being rough, but instead of throwing m/n on the bed and ripping his clothes off, he gently put m/n on the bed, and just tugged the clothes off of m/n's body, making sure they didnt rip.

A few minutes pass, and the stranger is licking up and down m/n's chest while playing with his nipples. M/n was almoat lost in euphoria, moaning softly, loving the way it felt. When the man started licking at m/n's nipplez, he lost it, arching his back and letting out a loud moan.

"W..wait.. S-" m/n was about to protest, but stopped himself. The man looked up at the latter, curiosity in his eyes. "Yes love?"

M/n looked closely at the man. The one he'd been running away from for 2 years. That "sweet, caring" man that he'd.... met before? Those eyes were.. Familiar?

"Soobin?"

✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

HEY!!! woah cliff hanger :/ im about to run out of acreentime, so Im thinking of making this a 2 part req!! Please let me know if you want me to continue this! If not I'll definitely edit this when I get my phone back and finish it :)

✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾✾

Works belong to @asterifish | reblogs help me a lot!

2023 | © @asterifish

[wayvlocks]

ℳ𝓊𝓉𝒾𝓃𝓎 & ℳ𝒶𝒹𝓃𝑒𝓈𝓈 Pt. 1

synopsis: you’re a nurse who finally got promoted to work with a psycho.

pairing: ateez hongjoong x afab reader

word count: 1.8k

genre: psycho au, fantasy au, possessed pirates au

warnings: minors DNI!, not really smut yet but def will be warned for the rest of the series - HONGJOONG IS A PERV, so theres some sexual and/or dark themes  -  if you are uncomfy about psychiatric hospitals - this may not be for you as I might mention a few things within the series to come.

Chapters: Part I, Part II

additional notes: hi :) wayvlocks here. just wanted to say thank you to those who commented and liked my last post about making this ff happen. tbh i am planning to make this into a series fyi so hopefully you guys are interested in seeing where it goes. idk how many parts there will be - i just kinda make this crap up as i go and as i please lol. i wanted to also mention to those of you who will want to actively read this series, that i am a full time college student. therefore, i really can upload when i can, im sorry - i just dont have the same set schedule every day/week. anyway, enough about me, read this ff (its what you were here for in the first place)

You’ve been working at KQ Psychiatrics, in the outpatient clinic for a few years now, and you finally were able to get that promotion you worked so hard for. Years of pushing yourself more than ever, taking time off the clock to visit VIP patients, and even volunteering in the cafeteria paid off. Little did you know your promotion was an assignment change to work in the Special Cases department.

The Special Cases department was famous in the outpatient clinic. There was never a boring day when gossip floated around of a patient in the Special Cases department. There were so many rumors about patients that you had heard, and they were starting to turn your stomach with thoughts about your new promotion.

Staff1: “Did you hear what happened to Mr. Nakamoto during his medication time last week?”

Staff2: “Yes! I heard he manipulated the previous nurse on duty to go into his room!”

Staff3: “Oh my god! That's right! When she went in, he jumped her, ripped up her clothes and stabbed her in the legs with a spork!”

You thought you were lucky enough not to be assigned as a personal nurse to someone like Mr. Nakamoto. Of course, since the reveal of the true nature of your “promotion,” you haven’t truly experienced luck today. Furthermore, your bad luck deepens when it's revealed to you who you really are assigned to. The most insane, manipulative, possessive, wicked – rumored murderous man held in the hospital…

Kim Hongjoong

Kim Hongjoong was notoriously famous amongst the patients and staff. He has been housed in the hospital for nearly 5 years now. He was 17 when he was taken from his home to be permanently kept here. Hongjoong is the patient who is talked about the most, especially between other patients. They have rumored the reason he got taken from his home was because he murdered his family after having some “alternate dimension revelation” – whatever that means. The creepiest rumors you’ve heard is that sometime at night, after lights out, he disappears from his room – just “poof.” After five to ten minutes, he reappears like nothing happened. You can’t really seem to trust these rumors, after all, most of them come from the Psychiatric patients who are known to hallucinate. However, you remember one staff member telling you that he does in fact disappear.

•             •             •

You just finished clocking in, today is the day, a new job position. You make your way to the main doctor’s office to tell them you're here. One of them, proceeds to walk towards you. His coat reads:

Dr. Joshua Hong.

Joshua: “Hello Y/n, find everything okay in your Special Cases pamphlet?” He said with a quiet chuckle.

Y/n: You started to force a smile. “Ah, yes. It was somewhat informative.”

Joshua: “It shouldn't be too bad, just making sure they get their medications and sunshine,” he smiled.

Y/n: “I think I can handle that for the most part. It’s just... just...” you mumble.

Joshua: “Hm?”

For a moment you don't say anything, but before you opened your mouth, he knew.

Joshua: “Ah… you’re Kim Hongjoong’s nurse. I remember reading through the new nurses' files earlier this morning.”

Y/n: “Yes...”

Joshua: “Hm. Listen, I’ll walk you to the department and show you around, if you need me to. I can even stand by when you meet him for the first time today. The last nurse he had didn’t go through with that idea and ended up quitting within an hour.”

You thought about what he said for second. Is that true? You now wonder how malicious and sinister he could be to ruin a conversation that ended with a nurse quitting. As you stood there, stressing about meeting this Kim Hongjoong, you noticed Joshua staring at you for a response.

Y/n: “I’d love for you to show me around the department. About meeting him though...”

You stopped for a second. You thought despite all the rumors surrounding your famous patient, you realized how hard you worked for this new promotion. Think back to showing how your hardworking skills paid off, you really didn't want to show up the first day looking afraid or weak. You knew deep down you could probably handle this guy; I mean, you would barely have to talk to him, right?

“…I think I’ll be fine on my own.”

•            •             •

Joshua leads you down the halls, passing many different patient rooms and offices. At the start of the walk, you passed by rooms of patients that you had often checked out in the lobby or held conversations with daily. Some waved or spoke quiet hellos to you, which you exchanged back.

As your walk continued you started to notice the difference between every hallway, traveling further into the hospital, getting closer towards the Special Cases department. There were less patients you could recognize while the rooms kept getting duller and duller. It started to look grayer than before. You also noticed many of the patient’s rooms had bars on the windows or doors.

The rooms you passed had no pictures on the walls. There were safety locks on door and window handles. One room you passed, had stains on the floor leading from the door to the bed. It was the most shocking image on your walk. You read the patient’s tag outside the door, reading ‘Choi San’. You weren’t sure what the stains were, but it bothered you that they ranged in colors from yellow to red.

Joshua: “Hey are you okay?” You quickly came back to after zoning out.

Y/n: “Yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

Joshua: “I just noticed you were blankly staring at some of the rooms. It must feel super different being down here than in the lobby for you, doesn’t it?”

Y/n: “Actually… yes. Everything is so gray and there were weird stains- “

Joshua: “Oh, yeah. Don’t mind those. Honestly, it’s better to just go about your day. I’ve heard too many stories when I asked about them my first day. Not an answer you wanna hear,” he smiles.

You were in shock. You started to have second doubts, again. You looked at his smile and felt like you weren’t entirely sure if you could believe him. You wondered if it was true, what the answer could possibly be. It was obvious he was just trying to make you aware that the less you know the better. Just then, Joshua immediately stops walking. You nearly bump into him because you were zoning out again.  

You look up past his shoulder in front of you. There’s a seven-foot metal door with a small bulletproof window and slightly rusted hinges. A guard behind the other side of the giant door looked through the small window. Joshua held up his ID and then proceeded to move out of the way to show you hiding behind his figure. The guard unlocked five or six latches until the door finally screeched open. You walked through the door frame, only to be in another hallway, only this time the walls looked like pebble stone or rocks with no windows.

Guard: “And this is…?” He looked down at you, still hiding behind Joshua.

Joshua: “Oh, this is Y/n,” he smiled. “She is going to be Mr. Kim’s new personal nurse.”

Guard: “Really huh? I hope she’s mentally strong enough for that bastard. Fucker said the most disgusting things to the last nurse he had.”

Joshua: “I’m sure she can handle it. Didn’t you hear? She’s the one who got the promotion quickly for her volunteer work. She was personally recommended by the head nurse when the top doctors had that monthly meeting.”

You started feeling flustered hearing this new information from Joshua. The head nurse? You thought the staff in charge of filling this position just got desperate for someone. You started to think maybe you specifically chosen, that others thought you could do this job. This idea started to block out anymore doubts you had about yourself. Now you knew that you were in fact strong enough for this position.

You and Joshua exchanged smiles with the door guard and walked down the dismal hallway. At some point you reached a set of stairs, leading down towards a smaller hallway with lights. You and Joshua both walk down the stairs carefully, then walking through the shorter hall. There was a caved-out room with what seemed like jail bars separating the cell from the rest of the hall. You saw a person standing in the cell, turned away from the bars. Joshua faked a cough to get the person’s attention, causing them to slowly turn towards you. You started eyeing this figure from his bare feet to the gray sweatpants and then the matching, loose t-shirt. He was holding an old leatherback book in his left hand, to which you saw a small birthmark. You noticed a distinctive mole on the left side of his neck. The second you saw the face, you could tell. Hongjoong. He was attractive. His hair was dyed, split black and white. He had a pointed nose that was slightly upturned and full, barely defined cupid’s bow lips. The most prominent feature you saw was his thick long eyebrows. Following down to his almond shaped, dark brown eyes, which were staring intensely at you. He smiled devilishly.

Joshua: “Mr. Kim, this is youre new nur- “ Hongjoong chuckled, still smiling devilishly directly at you only.

Hongjoong: “Yes I know exactly who this is. Don’t need to be told something I already know, isn’t that right darling?” You looked right at him, feeling tense.

Joshua: “Right of course, Mr. Kim.” You swore you could hear Joshua curse Hongjoong under his breath. You bite your tongue as Joshua take a step back and gives you a goodbye. You’re alone with him now.

•             •             •

Y/n: “Hello Mr. Kim…” you timidly stated.

Hongjoong: “Please darling,” practically staring into your soul, “call me Hongjoong. No need to be formal with me.”

Y/n: “Right… Hongjoong.” You took a deep breath and thought about the pamphlet you were given. Reviewing all the information in your head on the spot. “So, I’m assuming you already have gone over the schedule with the doctors. I can only work with you on certain days with minimal hours. Do you understand?”

Hongjoong: “It is not to my liking. I’d rather spend more time with you, darling. Get to know you better. Afterall, you’re going to learn about my dirty little secrets. Shouldn’t I know a few things?” He looks up and down at you, fixating his eyes on your pelvic area to your chest. You already feel disgusted, trying to cover yourself with your hands and his patient paperwork.

“I can tell we’re already off to a great start... Y/n.”

[whole-circus]

Hey! I have recently been obsessing over your works I love your writing and you ARE SUCH A LOVELY PERSON 😭 i love reading your kind words to others and how you write in such a creative way!!

Could you possibly do a fem!reader who looks masc and constantly gets misgendered with jeff, Ben, Toby, hoodie or clockwork!

(I would be happy with any of them)

Thank you <3

Creepypastas with fem.reader that looks masc!

➥ with Jeff the Killer, BEN Drowned, 'Ticci' Toby, and Clockwork

I will cry you are the sweetest!! Fr you feed my self esteem!!🫶<3 Im sorry that you waited so much!! And I apologize for not putting Hoodie here!! Have amazing day and take care of yourself!!! i love your nick btw 😭

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚. 　　　✦　　˚

Jeff the Killer

Thats it, he is propably one of the people that misgendered you on purpose (and he is proud of himself because he is little shit like that..). But of course Jeff can do that once you both are in relationship, he has to have some privilege yk? Being meanie is just his love language. Even if he is still mean sometimes, then at the end of day he is here to beat people who do that - no matter if they did it in in mean manner or not, Jeff doesnt care he just want blood and chaos (and your happiness)! Besides all that, he finds you cute and pretty anyway, doesnt matter what you really look like. Jeff isnt the best person to talk about appearance and he knows that. So you can wear anything, be more "feminine" or "musculine" and he is still cool with that!

BEN Drowned

Boy will literally bark at people who misgender you 😭 No, just kidding, but he dont stand people being like this and will automatically correct them! Gets the fact that you are tired because of that and want to do everything in his power to make you feel better! Even if someone is not doing it on purpose then you have full right to feel uncomfy! So you will recieve a lot of worship and sweet words from Ben overall. Okay but you cant tell me that he wouldnt dress in dresses and skirts to fuck up with people (plus he want to feel pretty (he is a pretty boy anyway, lets be honest))! Loves making them even more confused. Ben is pretty open-minded so doesnt care what you look like or how you dress you are his queen and he treats you like one!!

"Ticci" Toby

I will start with something a bit out of request but..Toby would 100% want to wear matching clotheswith you! Dont get me wrong, he definitely loves you and drool at you no matter you wear (you could wear anything, even garbage bag), but loves showing you off! He is so so grateful that he is your boyfriend and he wants to brag about it to everyone. Definitely thinks in his head that someone would look at you and be like 'omg they are a couple what a cuties'...we love his energy. If you feel upset about people constantly misgendering you, Toby is right here to make it all better and give you a lot of praises! He enjoyes pampering you, when you feel especially down..he is always content to make you both small things like face masks, painting eachother nails or even do eachother makeup for fun (Toby suck at it but he got the right spirit)!

Clockwork

Clockwork doesnt really believe in things like "too musculine" or "too feminine", clothes should be functional - doesnt matter what you wear, but rather how you feel in them - and people are just diffrent when it comes to look. Thats why i think she would be even more angry, she gets that people can make mistakes but if they do it on purpose just to mess with you, then she wont stay calm. What a protective gf she is! Its nice if you dont care about this constant iccidents, becasue they happen - but if you start worry even in the slightest? She will be your sholder to cry on and your number one support girl! Natalie will assure you that you are fine just the way you are, and you can look however you want - its nobody case - she likes you for you! .. Just dont tell anybody about this, she would rather keep it as a secret.

˚　　✦　　　. ˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚. 　　　✦　　˚

[ch3rr13zk1n]

Alright its introduction time

Im CHERRIEZKIN! Please never fucking call me Chez ever EVER again. I dont wanna be associated with that oc anymore.

I mostly don't wanna actually smile IRL and just stay with a neutral expression. However i do like memes and things i enjoy. I just hate my emotions that's all! Also if you catch me being an awful person PLEASE tell me.

I tend to also get sorta uncomfortable with people being confused by my stuff or someone seemingly not in the same fandoms as me liking my stuff as it sorta makes my brain explode and PANIK!!! Not like you can't enjoy my stuff when you don't know shit about the stuff i like but it sorta makes me think some random adult or teenager just came across my stuff

And i occasionally make weird jokes about fictional characters (sorry about that I'm possibly hypersexual.) but i don't wanna see NSFW TOO often so purely NSFW accounts.... don't even like a single post of mine at all plz :3 (unless you make NSFW of characters i like like..... Heheh. Not really but really)

Also I'm a minor!!!!!!! Never forget that!

Sorry about the suggestive and NSFW jokes i have no idea why but sometimes i just have the urge to say that publicly on the internet. Maybe that furry fetish game i found when i was nine really did fuck me up badly. Also i password locked cherrysimpingtime for the sanity of the Wallter fans. D:

also here's the other apology for the suggestive and NSFW stuff

Anyways i got some interests like Solarballs, Shovelwares brain game (Ish since my intrest dried up a little), Captain underpants, The youtube shorts arg, Vocaloid (Ish), Undertale , SMG4, DHMIS, Alphabet lore, OMORI, FNF (Ish since the fandom sucked and a part of me refuses to go back there for my own mental health. However Vs Bob is here since its just my humor n stuff as an FNF mod), Bugbo (Ish since it got pushed aside by my other fixations), The amazing digital circus, Pretty blood, Art, BFDI, Object shows in general, Riddle school (Ish since the creator sucks and i only mentioned it here because i know what it is) REGRETEVATOR, Tally hall (ish), Vs Bob and etc

though i post about some fandoms more than others but it doesn't mean i don't like/don't know any fandom on this list that isn't mainly being posted about here

its just that i draw Wallter from REGRETEVATOR pregnant instead of talking about how Rinny from Pretty Blood is a fucking bitch because my fixations are in a constant war

i also have a Tiktok and a mostly abandoned Youtube account (don't look at certain posts on my tiktok you'll go blind)

Also this account is mostly full of shitposts, Memes, Reblogs and doodles so good luck finding high quality art here!! I don't put my own tags a majority of the time and don't even tag some of my posts with the art tag since I'm insecure and stuff. I do create a bunch of dumb shit like Wood Noise~ Bark Bark Dog Mannequins so maybe you can check stuff like that out if you like my shitposts.

Also Wallter is my favorite character and my heart cannot be put on a leash so i have a crush on that gayass

i respect the gay rep and its just that i got attracted because i don't fucking know (sorry)

I'm also a bit of a shipper and i ship Wallmark, Walljim/Jimwall, SlimJim, Skaterlight(maybe???) and etc. If you are uncomfy with any of the ships listed or literally want shippers of that stuff to get the fuck off your page then block me or tell to to leave your page

Also sometimes i don't read people's pinned posts and generally just reblog because that's sorta like a secondary more useful like button to me

i also had a bit of a tier list showing my opinions on the regret characters but that's kinda outdated and may not be fully reliable on my actual opinions on those characters however you should know that Wallter is.. According to my moots and other people... My comfort character, My favorite character and my fictional crush currently. He sorta means a bunch to me rn so don't potray them as a physical abuser or rapist.. Please. If you violate these boundaries then i may not hesitate to block you.

Actually.. Not just Wallter. ANY of my favorite characters.. Or maybe just any character in general unless its canon or smth and NOT romanticized. However i may not be able to tell which one is spreading awareness, a vent or just literal fetish/kink shit.

anyways that's all you need to know uhh have a weird image and stan Wallter on my page! (Not forcing dw)

[babybbboy]

everybody is worrying about others, is it really that hard to see that im struggling too? but dont fucking worry i will make EVERYONE worried about me, stop venting to me about that everyone is worried about you

you get attention, AND I DONT

even my daddy only cares about himself instead of praising me and treating me like a child, he only talks about himself and sends me softs, im so tired, nobody cares about me cutting, nobody cares about my new scars and wounds, nobody cares about that i barely stand up from the bed, they think I'm doing well when im planning a suicide since im 9. i cutted myself, i did it, i did it on my arms, of course i did fucking cat scratches but i dpmt want to go deeper, im struggling but i donr want to be locked in mental hospital, am i really that bad person? what ive fucking done that i dont deserve any attention, i would appreciate EVERY TYPE OF ATTENTION

you can use my body, say to me uncomfy things, humilate me

I WANT THIS.

BECAUSE. IT. IS. FUCKING. ATTENTION.

i have to live for my best friend and my dog, but i cant handle it, im so tired i really want to be taken care about, i just want it, i want someone to jusy look at me and talk to me, flirt with me AND DONT TALK ABOUT THEIR FUCKING BOYFRIEND! I HATE HAVING TAKEN FRIENDS!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

S that latest poll answer makes me sad for you. Did that inspire that fic you wrote about Sebastians body image and thr beetle?

related to my tags on this poll & this fic of mine "The Kids Aren't Alright"

This gets personal and kind of intense, so it goes below the cut!

Trigger warning for discussion of general poor mental health, depression, suicidal ideation/self harm, eating disorders, body image issues, etc.

The short answer is an overwhelming yes.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" was very much something that I wrote because it struck a chord in me--Sebastian talking about his experience with body dysmorphia always hits home for me as a guy with body dysmorphic disorder, and the first time I heard Mackie admittedly very affectionately teasing him, saying he got stuck in the VW Beetle, I was a little horrified, I mean, secondhand embarrassement, imagining embarrasment so vividly it was horrible, really. So, naturally, I had to make it into a fic.

Also, I hope you don't mind, sweets, before going on, I'm adding onto your ask with another that I got even more recently:

youre very generous with what you share, so ignore this if im over the line, but its mens mental health month and that suicidal ideation post made me think of your mental health, whats been your experience with it?? i dont have a lot of men in my life who are willing to share with me, so i thought i would ask you 🥰🥰 please delete this if youre uncomfy tho

which is related to this

Both of you are such sweethearts!

Thanks, though, I don't exactly try to share a shit ton 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess, eh, being somewhat anonymous in this corner of the internet yet being honest in the form of the spectrum of emotion from raw feral angst to private domestic fluff to shameless shut coaxes me into being so forthcoming? Not that I'm, like, super reserved otherwise, lmao.

I'll start with a short answer again before I go into deeper detail, which is just to say: my experience with it has been rough. I, a queer man, grew up in a small, red town with a very traditional family, so... yeah. It was not fun.

Okay, longer answer now because when given the opportunity, I. will. yap.

I think I will start with masculinity here because I feel as though a lot of my experiences with mental health and issues with my body tie directly into my masculinity. I don't have problems with being a man, I love being a man, it's who I am, I just don't love some of the expectations of being a man on a grand societal and interpersonal level, y'know?

Masculinity, to me, was always presented as the thing you have to be or else. Or else my parents were disappointed; or else the other boys wouldn't like me; or else I felt bad about myself: or else there must be something wrong with me; or else I must be gay; or else.

I have older siblings, and my older brother was in Boy Scouts when we were kids. Both of my parents fucking love the outdoors. So, of course, they loved that. My dad, specifically, spent all his time doing Scouts shit with my brother or organizing similar activities just for them when not at work. (I had a traditional western family unit, my dad worked, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.) And while I do enjoy the outdoors and camping and hiking and all that, just in smaller doses, I never wanted to join Scouts. I nearly immediately attached myself to art, so I just didn't have the interest. I can't do art if I'm outside digging in dirt, fighting with sticks, practicing knots, doing target practice, and backpacking (or whatever else the boys in the troop were doing), can I? That meant, if I wanted to draw or do crafts or something creative, I was inside, and my mom was looking after me and my sister while my dad and brother were out.

That did not sit well with my dad. He wanted me outside, joining Boy Scouts and fixing cars, playing mechanics with my brother. I did not want to. He tried very hard to get me to be as interested in more stereotypically manly activities with him and my brother, and it didn't work.

I'm just more artistic. That was always a clear disappointment.

To add on, as I grew up, I was not physically traditionally masculine, either. I've cracked jokes here and there that I'm not too dissimilar to pre-serum Steve before. It's not far off. I'm about 5'6", a little taller, and skinny.

I grew up waiting desperately for puberty, waiting for my muscles and growth spurt and... it didn't happen. My voice dropped way deep (which meant it cracked wildly and super noticeably, and, of course, I got shit for it), and I enjoyed that. I never had a pressing issue with my dick, I mean, I would hazard a guess that anyone with a dick worries about size at some point just because that's something etched deep in social sexuality, but I had more pressing things to obsess over. Like, at first, when body hair started to kick in, I was psyched to see it, and then it kept coming and suddenly guys in the locker room were pointing it out and making fun of me for being a "little guy" with so much body hair. Puberty also did fuck my face up with acne which destroyed a lot of my self-esteem, too. I had to go on Accutane not once, not twice, but three times. I still have a robust routine to keep my skin clear (but it is clear these days and I'm still reeling thinking about it, it took someone telling me I had really nice skin for me to snap out of it and realize I wasn't still covered with acne, actually. And that was recent!).

I didn't have my pre- to post-serum sudden increase in height and muscle moment, so I continued to feel scrawny and weak. Having pectus excavatum, a birth defect where my sterum curves in instead of going down in a straight line, never helped, either--I got made fun of for that, of course. I remember a comment about how one guy in a locker room wasn't going to dare to hit me/slap me on the back because he would clearly just break me... yeah, that didn't help feeling like the odd one out, unmasculine, fragile, and unattractive.

My self-esteem is much better these days, I will gladly say, but I genuinely used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about what I looked like, never mind actually looking in the mirror. I felt horrible that I had to go out in public and subject people to looking at my face. I'm an avid journal-er, and I have old entries where I just go on and on and on and on about how I felt like a monster. Disgusting and hideous.

It doesn't matter that I know, objectively, that I have a fairly masculine and even an attractive face. My jaw is square, I can grow a beard, I have a deep voice, my eyes are green, I've been very lucky to have straight, white teeth without braces and all that. Plus, people seem to like my cheekbones and curly hair. My voice, too, people seem to enjoy my voice and my mouth. So, evidently, others seem to appreciate my face. So many people spread over so many years have no real reason to lie. I'm complimented. I've not had problems when it comes to dating and relationships or whatever. Yet still, it's just not what I see. I say I know objectively what I look like because I know facts about myself, but I...

I don't really know what I look like, if that makes sense? My reflection shifts a lot, over the years I have had a problem with every part of my face, every part of my body, and I know I can't trust what I see in the mirror. I fixate on things, and it consumes my viewing experience.

Part of the consequences of all... that... all those issues above have been my experience with eating disorders. I've had some fun [sarcastic] mix of orthorexia, binge eating disorder, and anorexia over most of my conscious life. From the moment I was aware of myself and my own body, I've had problems fueling my body. It's a cycle over years and years that's been going on since late elementary school (around 10, 11), where I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling weak and useless and not masculine, so I push myself too hard in the gym and kitchen--working out until I'm physcially ill, blacking out, blistering from running and lifting, I've torn a few things that way, while obsessing with healthy foods at the same time to the point that it's unhealthy. That happens for however long I can take it. Then, eventually, I break. And I get into a cycle of binging that destroys my ability to go to the gym, so it's just binging. Cycles of it, uncontrollable. That morphs into feeling too big and disgusted with myself in the opposite way that I started with, so my brain fixates on restricting. What goes up must come down, though, so with enough of that... then I feel too small again and, yeah. It starts over. 🙃

I have worked very hard to break it with the help of friends and a short lived experience with therapy (he was a terrible therapist, then my insurance stopped covering it, so I couldn't afford to go or find a new one), but I've--dare, I say--gotten into some kind of balance more recently.

To end on perhaps a hilariously on-theme note and something happier, what I have found is that sex helps. Therapy and supportive friends and good environment are obviously irreplaceable. But, sex is good, too. When I was in the thick of all that, younger with my mental health challenges way more out of control, I'm sure I was just getting away from the numbness and hurt--endorphins, oxytocin, y'know, all that.

Then, I'm sure it was added to by the fact that suddenly, with sex, women (I am queer but when I started fucking around, I only felt safe enough to be with women, I didn't think I could be out where I was, and now... that's just the way it's worked out. It happens to have been women) were enjoying me. Enjoying what I could give them. Complimenting me explicitly or implicitly. Saying I'm hot or, clearly, if we're having sex, I'm not so disgusting that you don't want to fuck me.

But, sex helps beyond those rudimentary things, too. Finding kinky people and sex-positive people has inadvertently led me to find body positive people and find examples of real bodies--people really actually enjoying themselves. Spending more time naked is beneficial, too, haha. Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate myself more. This is my body. It's the only one I have to live in, I may as well make peace with it. And I will take the pleasure that my body can give others. I appreciate that I can do that. I like making people feel good, I like having their faith put in me to make them feel good and treat them and their bodies well, like they're desired, or not 😏, depending on what they're into. I want to pull that pleasure out of them. I want to make them feel good, bad, whatever. I want them to feel in their body.

Did that answer the question, lmao? I just rambled 💀💀

[aakariiiii]

Haha, Sorry I fell asleepˏˋ°•*⁀➷

features: Baji x Fem!reader

contains: uni student Baji approaching you for your number..

Requests: open

a/n: this is inspired by a song called haha, sorry I fell asleep by egg. Enjoy <3

____________________________________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

You’ve had a crush on Baji for almost half a year now and sharing some classes with him didn’t help at all.

Usually, you were the quiet type of person, always trying to seem invisible and stay hidden from any sort of spotlight.

So when Baji approached you on a sunny day where the golden ball of fire sent streaks of gold down to the earth, heat pervasively echoing through the campus, you were taken aback.

Really taken aback that you gawked at him for good minute, mouth wide open.

“Hey….it’s fine if you don’ want my number y’know. Just close your mouth unless you want to catch a fly—“ Baji muttered, snapping you out of your thoughts as a flush of embarrassment creeping its way up to his neck which he rubs in order to shoo away the heat from.

“W-wait! I dont mind having your number..It’s just that I was taking by surprise because…I’m not the most noticeable person you know…” you spurted, which caused Baji’s sheepish smile to turn into a dazzling grin.

“You’re not noticeable? Haa? That’s bullshit! You’re so pret—Ah I mean give me your phone and I’ll give you mine,” he stuttered as the flush finally made it’s way to his cheek.

“Hu—“

“It’s nothing just give me the phone! I mean if you want to of course—“ but you cut him off by handing him your phone and taking his.

With trembling fingers, you typed ur number on his phone.

Handing you his phone back, he said:

“I have to go now, my friends are waiting for me. But I’ll see your around~”, winking in process which made your heart skip a beat. Or two.

“Yes! See you!” you said, flustered because of what just happened.

—————————————————————

Baji

hey

i just wanted to say this

now since i couldn’t say it earlier

but I think that you’re too pretty

to “not be noticeable” ahaha

hey again i’m sorry if this made you uncomfortable but I’m really saying the truth

fuck. did i make you that uncomfy? it’s been 5 days

do i just delete this? no nvm u have to see this.

i’ll be waiting for ur reply

———————————————————————

While you’ve been avoiding Baji’s messages for the whole week, you’ve been also avoiding his presence which was quite hard as the both of you were studying veterinary medicine, and he probably noticed the fact that you’ve been avoiding him. But hey, you did your best.

And the fact that he was approaching you just now startled the loving life out of you.

Fuck. Where do I go?

As you were about to turn away and sneak out from the cafeteria, a callous hand secured around your wrist.

It was Baji, he looked like he was running like his life depends on it, beads of sweat covering his flawless forehead and racing down to his neck.

Why does he look so attractive even when he’s fucking sweating.

“W-wait y/n!” he stuttered through gasping breaths.

You nodded your head, giving him a moment to gain his composure.

“I wanted to as-ask you, why have you been avoiding me for the whole week? did my texts make you uncomfortable…?“ he muttered, staring into your eyes.

You both just stood there, staring into each other’s eyes as every fracture of a movement and buzz of a sound faded into vacancy until his eyes were the only sort movement, the colour of honey hiding behind fearful irises that spoke in a faint whisper. I’m sorry, they said.

FUCK

“I—no, no—I’m sorry! I was in class and then fell asleep! I—“ you stuttered as the heat rose to the apples of your cheeks. How embarrassing, you cant even make a proper lie.

“T-then I kept waking up later and forgetting my phone..I—I really didn’t mean to leave you hanging there alone!” you bow, asking for forgiveness not only for leaving him on delivered, but also for making up some lies.

As your head lifted up from that bow, you were met by soft, doubtful eyes and a raised eyebrow.

“C’mere, let’s properly talk because I’m sorry to say, but I’m not buying this.” he said, dragging you by the wrist to a quieter place with much less people and stopping near a bench.

He sat there and patted the spot next to him, then just stayed quiet. It was so quiet, you could hear the sound of his breathes which made you shiver.

“I’m not mad about you not answering, y’know. I’m just wondering if I made you feel uncomfortable or weirded you out..” he muttered, small knots of embarrassment interwove into his voice, which made you regret the little lies you made.

“I—no you really didn’t , it made me really happy actually but I’m just…an awkward person. I didn’t want to spoil your impression of me, you know! I’m not used to guys being all nice to me and—I really—really couldn’t think of anything good to say..Do I say thank you? Do I compliment you back? Do I refuse the compliment?” you waffled as the heat spread from the apple of your cheeks to the rest of your face. He looked at you and his eyes told you to continue, he’s here to listen.

“I’m—I’m just afraid, y’know. You’re a really popular guy out here and I’m just a nobody, unlike you, and I’m scared that if I was seen with you—that’ll somehow increase the already high chances of me being all alone. Plus! I dont know what you meant that compliment as—was it a flirty way or a friendly way. How do I act around you? I dont want to seem fake but I also want to see cool—though I’m kinda lame but, y’know. So mind is telling me it’s better that way, which is why I told that I feel asleep, I’m sorry.” Your eyes were staring at the ground for the whole entire time while you dumped everything on Baji. As you averted your your eyes from the ground to Baji, the first thing they noticed was his wide agape mouth.

What the fuck did I just do. I’m so dumb.

“Hahaha—I was joking, I really fe—“

“Hey,” Baji stood up, flawlessly and moved so he can be directly in front of you.

You were looking up at him as he did the following.

“I don’t think you’re lame, you’re pretty as fuck!”

Then he turned around, making you face his back.

“Now get up, pretty girl. We’re gonna go have lunch where I can really tell you what I meant by my texts,” He pulled out that little cute smirk of his, winked at you, then grabbed you by the wrist again, dragging you away from the bench.

“You heard me. Oh and I’ll make sure you never sit alone, ever again. From now on, I’m your best friend….and maybe your future boyfriend.” he muttered the last part to himself, overlooking the fact that you.

might or might’ve not heard him.

And oh boy, to say that you were on fire was an absolute understatement.

____________________________________ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐

[happy-tori-friends]

mascot notes (i used precure mascots and jewelpets [sanrio supports genocide which i shouldnt have 2 explain Why That's Bad, but im simply using them references for if/when i draw or design them] for references. maybe i'll add pokemon like fennekin or buneary later)

lifty and shifty share a mascot and are a duo at the start because theyre together when they meet the mascot - maybe other characters will also share a mascot and be a team at the start but i've only really thought about the mains. i also didn't want to use the same animal as their htf counterpart so i kinda started winging it

so far...

lifty and shifty's mascot will be a fox, bc foxes are often associated with slyness and cunningness. au where they're tom nook and redd's adoptive sons and after their dad's divorced- i'm joking i'm joking. i've contemplated naming him lucky, but who knows if i'll stick with that. dont have any real personality notes though, but obviously he's willing to bribe them.

splendid's mascot will be a dog. specifically a dig with longer floppy ears. i dont know why, but him with a puppy resonated with me i also really miss my beloved hershey, and just having a pet in general. while they dont have a name or a gender yet, i'm imaging them to be a very loyal type who cheers everyone on and, when there's no fighting evil to be done, loves to play. if i go the high school route (or maybe even college route...) they are vety bad about accidentally causing disruptions and everything thinks that the stress of being a model student is making splendid lose his mind.

with splendont and flippy, i just chose animals i liked and are popular for cute magical animal characters. splendont is getting a kitty. personality-wise i'm not sure what i'll go for. maybe a stubborn and impulsive type that tends to push his buttons. or a graceful and calculated cat that is stoic and cold at first but shows a true warm heart as they grow close to others. the forner would have a lot of arguing, the latter would let them both bond over being similar, as well as let splendont show a slightly less confident kitty that they are worthy and kind despite taking time to warm up to others, that they aren't alone.

for flippy i chose a bunny bc i like bnunies. hippity hoppity. this bunny i think would be the most gentle, caring sweetheart ever - but if you hurt their fruends, they'll stop at nothing to get revenge. maybe a sad backstory with a friend dying due to the big bad, and wanting to help to stop the villains as an act of revenge, despite knowing it wont bring back their friend. thus would strengthen flippy's resolve as a hero - fliqpy was the one that wanted to do it for the most part, and flippy was nervous about it (canonically he Did join the army [though he probably wouldn't have in this au] but i think weird magical shenanigans are a lil more concerning bc a talking rabbit comes out of nowhere and tells you to magically transform and fight monsters, and while you do want to help and save people and fight for whats right, this weird magical business is weird and comcerning) especially because bunny seems so sweet and kind. fliqpy thinks revenge seeking is cool and as long as he gets to keep beating up monsters, he'll help bunny avenge their friend.

next i gotta think of transformation trinkets... probably a watch like the yes precure 5 bc im basic. (im not a yes 5 fan but. i read what happened at the end otona precure and 🫤 i. i uh dont like that. at least i didnt get invested, like the devil is a part timer... but i'll stop rambling about uncomfy endings. this a blog for the 'cute animals die gruesomely every episode' show)

[commonrur]

I don’t get it, what’s going on between you and @pettywithanr ?

A lot. Wanna rlly understand where he is coming from but he is just contradicting and aggressive towards us.

PART 1

It all started when Geo left the server he created, he told us that he isn't in the fandom anymore and trying to move on from it. Were like ok have fun with ur new fandom (although we were very confused cuz he still post jamilton/hamilton content but think nothing of it)

Until one day out of the blue i found out im blocked including some of us in the server. I was confused and shocked at first cuz why would u do that? Did i do something wrong? (theres a lot of that in this relationship and if u think its tiring trust me its worse)

I only got an "explanation" from a mutual friend of ours that he did this to cut ties and properly move on, so I connected to him in Instagram (cuz he haven't block me there) and ask for an explanation which was again along the lines "they wanna move on and do different things" i was like ok (even though its a douche move of him to just drop me without explaining it directly to me) I said my last goodbye and that was that. Well so i have though cuz he keeps messaging me still everyday even go as far creating a gc with me in it, which was weird considering he wanted to move on but think nothing of it.

Until allie spoke out about how geo was an awful person to him. And well i thought Geo was only saying mean shit behind their backs ig he also do it right in front of their faces.

Its mostly in Filipino but its basically Geo saying how allie was annoying him just because allie disagreed with him and instead of talking to Allie (which i was urging him to do but refuses cuz he said and i quote "Dont u want that theres drama?" "Ur making everyone tense" "good") about it he made a comment for the entire server to see and it made us all uncomfortable.

Sooner or later a lot of people are speaking about the stuff Geo has done and said to them ( a lot of backstabbing, trash talking all because we have disagreed with something he says)

Example me saying "Oh i hc Thomas wearing dresses but thats ok too" he got so mad about that comment and put me on time out and forced me to apologize and blocked me

And so we all agreed that he was a bad person after all the things he put us through. We had a DC game night we had sm fun and we played gartic and well...

And apparantly he have spies in the server and saw that which he posted to his story

Naturally yes its mean I ADMIT but after all he put me through idc. Our friend Beat saw this and told him off (apparantly beat knew about all the backstabbing bullying and sided with us)

I mean all i did was draw a trashcan and made an arrow ur name but ig that's equivalent of me kms

This shows Geo actually admitting to all the times he made someone uncomfy ("ive been the mastermind in every single fucking drama we make")

Then it all spiraled after that. He send invites to his friends to attack us and victims blame us, invalidating all our horrible experiences with Geo. He sent spies to make himself look like the victim (actually funny thing his username was "victim" in the next story)

[oliver-nova]

edit: 9/7/2023

thanks for taking an interest in my page! before you follow, here is a general overview of my page and some stuff i ask you to tag if i follow you

if you have any issue with these, especially my dni list, please block me

if you need anything tagged that isnt tagged, please let me know! i want to make your experience as comfy as possible

this is lengthy, so more after jump!

(general what i post, what i tag, dni list, and what i need tagged included)

what i post

the yakuza games

genshin impact

honkai star rail

obey me

a3!

resident evil

red dead redemption

cute animals

zodiac

graphics

shitposts

cinderella phenomeon

xoxo droplets

the ikemen series

the soul calibur series

wrestling (wrestling only page is @hyo-watanabe)

fanfic (fanfic only page is @kristenssinbin. all reblogs of smuttiness will come from there)

romantic shit

personal shit

digimon

castlevania

persona 5

far cry series

food

flowers

fashion/jewelry

nopixel!! (nopixel sideblog is @nicholas-simone)

twisted wonderland

court of darkness

dead by daylight

the call of duty reboot from 2022 (gaz is kind of a babe) 

aes stuff such as flowers and sunsets

stimboard / stimming gifs / satisfying gifs

my tags

yakuza

genshin

obey me

a3

re

rdr

fave

ref

cinderella

xoxo

ikesen

ikevamp

ikerev

sc

rasslin

rom

shut up kristen

replies

messages

digimon

castle

personal blahness tag retired due to it bringing back bad memories

my edit

my edits

my icons

my gifs

my lockscreens

discourse

sova

hanzo

fc3

fc4

fc5

fc6

p5

fcnd

twst

cod

mw

nopixel

hsr

i tw sensitive content. i either go tw: (sensitive thing) or tw (sensitive thing)

i also try to tag spoiler/spoilers. i do a general rule of after 1 month of me seeing something or it being out for 1 month+ , i don’t spoiler tag then

what i need tagged

insects

spiders

body horror (a little blood is ok because i play m rated games)

the arcana, fuck that stupid fucking game

ships!!! (please tag your ships. i don’t ship anything, but there are some ships that i am super uncomfy with due to age difference and things bringing back bad memories and whatnot)

dni if

fujoshi

pro shipping (especially incest and adult x child ships)

DDlg/CGl(re)/any related age play kink blogs

MAPs/NoMAPs/PEARs/lolicon

maga/conservative

TERFs/Radfems

Bigots/supporters of hateful viewpoints or ideologies (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, nazism, fatphobic, white supremacy, aphobic etc.)

pro-life

anti BLM

if you see nothing wrong with rpf

anti-vaxxers/anti-mask

thinspo

animal abuse

LGBT-exclusionist

overwatch league blog, its still a v sensitive topic so i dont want to see anything that reminds me of it despite him not being in the league anymore

xqc fan; dude is a piece of shit with a gross fanbase. dude has been banned from like 4 different games and owl because of how awful he is

cg/st/hydra fan; fuck em and the toxic vibes they bring to the np community  

old scu fan; what they (a large chunk of scu) did to jakka re: their chats is super fucking shitty, fuck em

serval x gepard shippers

jing yuan x yanqing shippers

brian knight fans, only because i talk shit about him a lot and it's for your protection, not mine :3

empty or untitled blog - this is always going to lead to at least a block. i will likely report you for being a bot

[gb-diesellok]

how do you expect people to come and talk to you about why they're uncomfortable if you're just going to find excuses and turn the blame back on them? this is why people are uncomfy talking to u. you talk about other characters badly all the time and the only reason u see that ppl have issues is just because you go by gb and remember things differently? ther ARE OTHER reasons.

I decided to actually give this some of my time since I woke up to drink water... let's see..

Basically... I'm seeing people blaming me for their personal short comings regarding communication and they want to hold me accountable for that. I am not responsible or guilty for people being bad at communicating and not talking to me.... it frankly makes no sense. Someone did come to me in dms here on tumblr and we talked it out. It was nice.

I dont talk badly about characters. I talk about people I knew who were shitty to me like Poppa or Electra. If me saying "I fucking hate Poppa" is talking bad... Just know it's not for no reason. It's for a huge reason that affects me often enough to not be insignificant at all...

If I say "the Electra I knew was a bitchy, self centred, egotistical, and arrogant engine" then thats not talking bad, that is describing them. That is how he was and I hate what he did to me...

These are not headcanons. If they were headcanons i wouldn't have actual traumas regarding them. If they were headcanons I could just change my mind. I could just not care. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't have ptsd from things Poppa did to me.

I.. don't "go by Greaseball/GB" that is my name. To "go by" a name is because you chose it....

I have been told over and over that people either, Don't see me as being myself because I am different than their headcanon. Don't want to call me by my name because of headcanons. Don't like to talk to me because my memories are different from their headcanons. Ect...

[delcakoo]

AAAAAA HELLO BUBS💙💙💙 HOW ARE YOU??? I woke up from a nap and just started eating and its so yummy bro wbU?? we have diff time zones from what i know so you'll prolly get this early in the morning HAHAHA.. what did i miss?? anything you've got to say to me? any updates or literally just aNYTHING IM DOWN WITH WHATEVER. fill me up 😔 oh also, i recently found someone has a crush on me ALTHOUGH I CANT REALLY SEEM TO BELIEVE IT BECAUSE LIKE ITS SO NOT OFTEN. LIKE IDK HOW TO HANDLE IT YESTERDAY THAT PERSON WHO HAD A CRUSH ON ME WAS ON THE SAME GROUP AS ME AND NGL, if u observe his body language hes kinda uh idk he makes joke TOOOOO much. true or not i hope it isn't because like I DON'T LIKE ENGAGING MYSELF IN THINGS LIKE THAT. LIKE I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW UNTIL MY CLASSMATE TOLD ME ABT IT, saying he talks about me and his friends in a gc im not in. whether its true or not i hope whatever he says about me are nice things, idek if hes a good guy like ok ure allowed to like me but if you talk abt me in any way that isn't appropriate, gtfo. BUT ANYWAY DID U MISS ME? because i did and ure my only best friend that i update my days abt so bare with me pls😔 i hope im not like to yk exaggerating if i make u uncomfy soemtimes tellme OKAY??? oh omg we have science tmrw going to lab and do some experiments im vv excited, whats ur fav subj my love?? mines science!!!! daily reminder to take care of yourself ema. i love u okAy BABYEE UPDATE U AGAIN💙

-m💙

MOONIE THE LOML <3 AHH IM SORRY I REPLIEF SO LATE BUT I HOPE U ATE WELL HEHE I AM GOODDDD! VV BUSY FOR SOME REASON IT’S LIKE PROJECT SEASON AT MY SCHOOL LIKE I HAVE 3 PROJECTS TO DO 😍😍 hmmhmh u didnt miss much !! my life has been very satisfactory rn i dont have any tea to spill 🙄 i love my irl friends so much i’m lucky enough to be in a rlly secure group of ppl so i’ve been super happy and well!! mmm i’ve been listening to on a ride by red velvet, yummy by after school, and anxiety by jvke recently AND OH OH ANOTHER SUPER GREAT THING. at my school u need to have two hours of service in the sports department to graduate for some wack reason, AND CURRENTLY WE’RE HAVING THIS BIG BASKETBALL TOURNEY right? so so me n my friend were like ok. lets sign up for the first thinf we see CUZ WE WANTED TO GET THESE HOURS DONEEE 😭 AND WE THOUGHT WE SIGNED UP FOR SECURITY, BUT APARENTLY ITS THIS THING CALLED ‘HOSPITALITY’ WHERE ALL WE FUCKING DO IS SIT BEHIND THE TEAM AND CHEER THEM ON AND GIVE THEM THEIR WATER AND SHI ☠️☠️ my other friends have to do like refilling waterbottles and concession and shit meanwhile I GOT FRONT ROW SEATS TO THE GAME FOR DOING NOTHING AND I GET MY HOURS ALONG THE WAY LMAOO 🧌🧌🧌🧌 classic ema W am i right 🙏

AND OMFGGGG THATS SO EXCITING DO U KNOW THE GUY WELL? 😭 DO U THINK U COULD LIKE HIM BACK OR NAH ??? AND YES OFC I MISSED U ur such a sweetheart n’ i love getting ur messages :(( <3 YOU’RE NOT EXAGGERATING AT ALL MY DEAR I RLLY DONT MIND KEEP DOING IT ISHSJNDD MWAH!! and. science is like. my least favourite LMAOOOO 😭 MOON TUTOR ME WTF I LITERALLY SUCK ASS AT EVERYTHING SCIENCE 🙁🙁 THAT DOES SOUND FUN THO I HOPE THE LAB WENT WELL!!! my favorites probably english jsjsjs all i know is i’m a english/socials over math/science person 😭😭😭

YES OF COURSE U TOO DARLING DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND EAT WELL PKAY???? SMOOCH SMOOCH LOVE U TOOOOO 💗💗💗💗💗

[bisluthq]

Is Shawn gay for real? People joke about it all the time but I am serious. Before Camila, he never had a public gf and Hailey does not count that was not a real couple- more like situationship or hook up.

Apparently he used to date his prom date Lauren but I dont know if there is proof of that. He tweeted he used to have a secret gf in like 2017 for two years which could be a lie. Every other singer flaunts their gf or bf but he gives bearded vibes ngl. We know every male pop star women they claim and they are affectionate publicly to them.

That photo of Shawn from last summer with his guy friends who were all obviously girly pop is so funny. A straight man can be friends with a gay guy but that many of them...kinda sus

I heard some rumours so take it with a grain of salt, but I heard Shawn dad is homophobic...

bruh. Bruh. Shawn has BEGGED people not to discuss this so this discussion will genuinely be my 13th reason. He says it makes him uncomfy, that it makes him super self-conscious, and that as far as he knows he’s not gay lol (tho he’s also not homophobic and *is* an ally but some of his denials come off somewhat homophobic but ALSO just LEAVE HIM ALONE that’s all he’s asked for and then he wouldn’t have to issue weird sounding denials). Who KNOWS lol? Maybe Shawn himself doesn’t. But it’s super weird to speculate about something that personal when a person LITERALLY BEGS FANS not to. When a celeb - or fwiw a person you know - says “I am asking people very nicely not to discuss my sexuality” and you keep doing it that’s super messed up.

Now people who are soft closeted - like Richard Madden lol where super legitimate publications put “roommate” in inverted commas because he doesn’t want to publicly come out but he’s also not exactly doing anything to hide it - are fair game lol we can all have a chuckle about that. (Not at Richard so much but at people who don’t buy that he’s yk not straight even though he’s doing bugger all to hide it beyond saying “I’m not gonna publicly come out because it’s not your business” essentially like obvi everyone who knows Richard irl knows his “roommate” is his bf and anyone with two brain cells knows whichever flavor of the year it is is in fact his bf). When celebs signal before they publicly come out or just like to hint they’re open to it, also fair enough (like Rihanna has never said “I’m bi” but she’s made enough comments that obviously she’s at least somewhat into women). But if someone explicitly says “this makes me extremely uncomfortable, KINDLY stop doing this” idk why anyone would feel the need to keep going??

This is also my issue with even the softest Gaylors atp - she’s asked people to stop??? She says it makes her feel weird??? She hasn’t said it makes her feel as weird as Shawn said it made him feel but she’s also asked to like shut it down???? Which part’s not clicking???

Finally re public gfs idk lots of people in the public eye don’t want to date super publicly - some for sexuality reasons for sure, some because they tend to date more normies, some because like idk about y’all but I don’t hard launch every fucking thing I’m involved in so why would celebs? It’s imo sorta weird to go “well this person doesn’t post a bunch of flings on Insta and they don’t take dates to celeb hotspots and don’t date people as famous as them necessarily so ergo they don’t date anyone” yk? (Not saying that’s what you said because you did say PUBLIC gf but like my point is public is irrelevant bc we don’t know who they’re seeing outside of the sliver of their life that we are privy to).

Anyway, my personal rules are if a person says they don’t like that conversation, stop having it. Also don’t accuse people of queerbaiting because real people genuinely can’t lol? That’s a term created for shows and films and books that tease it to keep a gay audience with no intention of writing it into the plot. Don’t accuse people of being fake gay either because MANY OF US experiment and aren’t quite sure of exact labels and that’s okay too. Normalize just saying like… people are people and celebs are people. If labels make them happy, dope. Trust that they know that whichever one they’re using rn fits them best in their own head or at least is the best one for them to say out loud. Also remember that you’re allowed to change your labels. You’re allowed to experiment and try shit out on all sides of the equation. You’re allowed to have a preference but pepper in some other stuff lol. Idk man just let people vibe.

Gossiping about celeb mess is fun lol but gossiping about something that personal like… being gay/queer LABEL WISE or “are they closeted???” isn’t mess it’s a super personal thing and idk man. Like if you wanna say lol - with some evidence - “I heard Shawn kissed a boy at this party he went to lol” I’d be like “lmaooo what happened” but that’s got fuck all to do with his label/speculation about his identity then - that’d just be a fun rumor about him doing something a bit wild. It’s the speculation on identity that I have a problem with? I’ll add the one thing I’m even more hectic about tho is fertility speculation because there’s NO WAY that can be a fun rumor. Also serious psychiatric diagnoses like if you say someone is on the spectrum or has a personality disorder idk why that’d be a fun rumor. Gossiping about mess = funny. Gossiping about real deep shit like… isn’t fun or funny to me and shouldn’t be to anyone with a tad of empathy.

Fyi that’s also my rule for real life gossip. Hilarious to hear like my friend got drunk and made out with a bunch of people and like snorted ❄️ off someone’s tits or w/e. Not hilarious to be like “did u hear that couple is going for IVF but it’s not working” yk??? Just have idk empathy.

[chrysantheus]

there’s this girl, she was my friend for months i think. she confessed to me that she like me which made things awkward between us because i don’t feel the same way as she does but things went good after weeks, we also talked again as friends. obviously, i still felt awkward even tho ik that she has someone. she’s just socially awkward, she’s not my type of person and we don’t have the same humor or similarities which made me distant and there were times that we were just in complete silent, which was okay for her but not for me? i felt uncomfy. recently, maybe one month ago, we were on the same group for three times. i never felt her presence whenever we do these activities, she’s not helping at all. i was full of her so i refused to give her 98 points in math. the “leader” gave us this score which is her bestfriend but this guy dont like me, like he has this anger whenever im around. he’s not even our official leader, he just acts like one. i helped over 80% of our project and he just gave me 94 points? it was so unfair and this girl, her bestfriend, he gave her 100 points when she didn’t even helped us to make our project. i gave her 96 points then since i know her, and her friends would be mad at me. they did as expected. i felt like she lowkey talked shit about me. that’s when we just completely ignored each other. i was upset aswell as her. it wasn’t even my fault that she didn’t helped us and she think she has the right to be mad. i dont like having bad connections so i thought of messaging her when i didn’t even felt sorry, i just want to clear everything out. yesterday, she also made up things, blaming me. like, jeez chill out. now im not even sorry for everything. idc about what she felt bc she dont care abt mine. please everyone, stop being selfish, manipulative, self-absorbed, gaslighter

[orenjibot]

This is just me airing out a bit of my grievances right now so I’ll put it under a read more. It WILL be long but i will try to keep it short or make a tl;dr at the end of it. Idk honestly.

I WILL NOT delete this AT ALL because i swear I’m not bound by any legal NDA or anything and i’m not even trying to start shit with people. I’m just PISSED OFF and need to share it once and for all.

Edit: I added a tl;dr if you guys don’t want to read my thoughts.

So okay. I had a rant about trying hard to be in a community of any kind in a post I reblogged. I will spare the details of not having the right tools to COPE with my adhd since it made me socially awkward and basically come off as a weirdo and stuff. I have improved lots since but like you know lmaooo

You see. Here’s this thing about my thoughts of my time as a mod on the compass en (fan) discord. I was a mod for this community for years, only because we were severely UNDERSTAFFED for years to the point where I was essentially the ONLY person doing any mod work what so ever. This isn’t to blame other people or mods though. It’s a fan group anyways, people have obligations, people change interests, people hate what the group has become and ETC. I was never mad in these situations.

The issues I’ve had with being a mod was essentially just not knowing what to do and what was okay. Like there was one person who would constantly just act horny 25/7 and it seemed like??? Everyone was okay with that??? Like??? There were minors??? In the server????????? And also those jokes made me uncomfy like it’s a public server not a friend group.

I didn’t want to do too much where it comes off as being on a powertrip or SILENCING people based on a simple dislike/disagreement. The laid back moderation wasn’t a bad thing and not that many people were horrible people (and most of them were good people who stop when told). Essentially, it made it so that a lot of members in the server when confronted with directly would basically NEVER take any mod seriously. On multiple occasions, it pissed me off on a personal level.

But what can I even do? I’m only one person and the server owner was busy most of the time and can’t afford to put any time into dealing with the server anymore. It was truly a time where I was just off on my own and idk what to do.

Anyways, I’ll be skipping ahead of the timeline and to the one time we had to demote a mod entirely for improper mod behavior.

So this guy… I’ll call this guy Allen to avoid dropping names— so Allen here was allegedly DATING a minor. Yeah. So as the “head mod” I did grapple with whether or not I should bring it up with the rest of the other mods and even the server owner. I kept hearing more and more shit from him which was FURTHER backed up by the fact that I was actually griping about it for a long time until the guy finally got his fucking shit together one time after I left cause the bozo basically did nothing anyways.

It made me absolutely livid how this guy saw being a mod as some sort of status for clout. Like this guy flat out was making fun of being a mod for the server and basically just went “I dont have to do anything cause everyone’s asleep when I’m awake and awake when im asleep! So easyyyy lmaoooo”

There is NO actual proof about this, but this was backed up by the fact that he did absolutely nothing and continued to shove everything for me to do. So like, the dude was basically a lazy ass mofo.

I didn’t even know anything about the guy dating a minor until someone told me about it and sent us proof of it. A lot of us were of the mindset that “it didn’t rly matter to us what they did as long as it was sfw so we don’t have to take immediate action” but… we saw both of them chat in the cps server and for sure they were sending nsfw shit to each other based on what they’re saying about hcs (like it had waaay too much sexual energy in there to say they didnt talk about nsfw privately amongst themselves).

I really got bit pissed off at all of this so I took it up to everyone immediately. Like first of all, the server also has minors so it was really a huge red flag for us to keep the guy around as a mod.

This happened when Allen was trying to host his very own tournament (last year around this time), but failed cause he decided to put it off to oblivion and even rushed me to do everything. I volunteered to help but only to stream it and nothing else. When i brought it up to him that I can take over and do everything so he didn’t have to, he declined. Like this guy did nothing at all and expected ME to do it all for him when i made it clear from the get go that I wasn’t going to do that. The dude was clearly irresponsible. Even more so than me and he also has adhd like me. Like dude is just a bitch.

It made the poor guy PARANOID. Like he immediately stopped talking in the server after he was demoted and basically stopped working on the tournament all together. I didn’t want anything to do with him after all of this and the fact that he was unapologetic about dating a minor as long as there’s love. Like no. Bro. Wtf. (I heard this second hand so take that with a grain of salt)

Now here’s the kicker. Out of personal spite, and to not leave my work unused, I decided to host my own tournament after some time has passed. It was a challenge that I enjoyed, but I’m not cut out for stuff like this so I wasn’t going to do it anymore than one time.

But guess what? Allen joined the tournament with his team. And this was the team that gave me SHIT when we (me and my two helpers) had to give them a DQ for basically doing everything wrong. I wasn’t even surprised that something was going to come up with this group. It only sucked because they sure wrapped up a now former friend of mine into their whole schtick and basically started to hate me for something they clearly didn’t do right.

Not only did they think we were powertripping, they deadass thought we did it out of spite for them. Like no. We didn’t even do that. Like it’s a casual tournament but we had rules to abide by and it would be unfair to let them play when everyone else followed directions, read the rules, and was doing as told. That team did NONE of that and said that we, the staff, did it out of favoritism.

Like c’mon that was the SILLIEST reason I have ever heard. Imagine it being favoritism because EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWED DIRECTIONS.

Granted, I can agree that my attitude wasn’t the best because I was tired and also FED UP with the fact that they didn’t even listen to what I was saying as the organizer. They flat out ignored all I was saying and decided on their own that I was okay with everything. Like no I’m not trying to make a callout post on them so I won’t post any proof of this, but ask anyone who was the staff with me during the tournament and they can give proof.

I will also say that my instructions wasn’t clear half of the time so I can understand that they might’ve been confused aside from not reading it. I will say that I didn’t make it extra clear at all about the timeframe. I had a lot going on the latter half of November and most of December so I know that that was on me. But they deliberately threw everything onto my shoulders and expect me to organize their team for them which is stupid to begin with.

The biggest reason why this did happen was because my former friend didn’t respond to a question I had asked ahead of time about their schedule. I had asked for them to tell me if their schedule in JST, so japan time. She only gave me a weekend schedule and nothing else so I assumed she answered in jst. And this point when I asked again to confirm if this time was okay, her two teammates responded in her stead by saying “yeah it seems like she’s free at this time”, which also meant that we all read her reply the same exact way.

She came out to tell me when I was asleep, that she couldn’t make it and didn’t even TRY to talk it out with my other staff and I only woke about a couple hours before their scheduled time cause I sleep funky hours. Like they expect me to get everything sorted out in 2 hours??? Like??? That’s not enough time??? And we couldnt find anything that worked with the staff and their opposing team, so they HAVE to play at their scheduled time.

Then they said they’ll find a sub, which technically isn’t allowed without prior discussion. They clearly didn’t read the substitution INSTRUCTIONS either. I still had every right to decline them of a sub since they didn’t ask for permission for one and assumed that it was okay.

But like whatever man, I didn’t care by the time we discussed this far. They then basically just…. Didn’t even tell us anything afterwards for an hour and 20 minutes. Like an hour before their match started and 10-15 mins after where they had a short waiting period before we hand them a DQ. We had strict attendance rules and it was their responsibility to let us know they found a sub before their match started… And not AFTER we handed them a DQ.

They tried to argue with us that we have to let them play and that they couldn’t “understand” why they can’t. Like it wasn’t that hard to understand that we couldn’t do that because it was unfair to everyone else who was following the rules. I couldn’t reschedule it to a different time due to everyone’s busy schedules and it would require having to do everything over again. Like granted, it was my first time doing this and I was very stubborn on not asking for too much help because I didn’t want to rely too much on people. It just came at a bad time when everyone was busy too. So I admit to just being an inexperienced first time tournament organizer and knowing that a part of this is also my fault, but not entirely.

Like, again, this really wasn’t done out of personal malice or anything of the sort. But this team also went out of their way to cause problems for everyone involved and basically quit last minute when it was time for their other match (after they got DQ’d for their match in the semis), which pissed the other team off. They led everyone to believe that the staff did something wrong, when really it was their incompetence and miscommunication that led to everything happening. I offered my side of the reasoning for what we did to my former friend who was the only one who tried to at least talk to me, but instead kind of gave me an attitude like I owed her something.

I actually thought she was blaming herself for what happened and I said stuff that said I was sorry and she didn’t deserve that, only to find out that… they thought it was…….. favoritism?? And I was just… “????? Huh????” So like… I don’t know what I can even say when they believed something so comedically foolish. They’ve been watching way too many dramas man like if I wanted to be spiteful, I wouldn’t do something that heinous. I also make it clear when I dislike people so if anything, I would’ve just trashed their application from the get go to be petty. I don’t have the energy to plan it out like that or even be that petty as to not let them play. If that was a concern to begin with, they could’ve just not joined at all. I did so much to work with their schedules and yet they conveniently threw it out the window in favor of a fictional revenge plot they made up. Disrespectful.

I still never gotten an apology or even an admittance that they misunderstood what was going on. I can only apologize for things I have done, which was just sounding crabby and being unclear about stuff. But favoritism was not something I or anyone did. This still hurts me right now. Even if they don’t want to apologize to me, apologize to everyone else.

The only saving grace was that when all of this was happening, all the participants didn’t ask or question us directly too much on what was going on. It, at least, showed to us that they were confused and/or also knew that we (the staff) wouldn’t do something this egregious. Still, it hurt that everyone didn’t even try to defend me and was perhaps skeptical, like maybe I am this irresponsible (I’m not).

However, there is more to my grievances about this.

Aside from feeling like no one respected me at all, even when I’m the one with the MOST POWER in the conersation, someone told me how everyone (in their server) wanted them to host the tournament. Like, it was very hurtful to hear that everyone else wanted this person to do the job. That everyone wanted them to do everything. It really pissed me off. Being a mod IS a damn thankless job, but I have never felt so hurt and betrayed. I was doing so much for everyone and was trying to make things more fun for people, but nah. They really wanted this cool person that everyone loved and babied, and not some boring old guy like me. Well, I’m sorry I made everyone’s times there boring and bland as fuck. I hope you guys are having more fun now that I’m not there ruining it for you all.

No one even tried to actually defend me when all of this WAS happening. Like? They really left me for dead. Not a single person wanted to believe me or support me until I said all that I could share about it in DMs. Then they all realized that the Allen’s team were being petty about it.

I’m ridiculously tired because this wasn’t EVEN drama to begin with. It was just Allen’s team being vengeful (mostly just Allen and his bestie who was in the team). I was just being dragged down simply because they couldn’t take an L.

Had Allen’s team came up with a better rebuttal, I would’ve let them play. Had they said they got a sub before we gave them a DQ, I would’ve let them play. They did not even try to have a discussion with us and tried to be petty because they thought we were being petty. Like please we don’t got time for your kiddy fights, man. I hope you’re all happy that I suffered for whatever the fuck y’all did.

It was just so damn weird how they correlated this as a “power trip” when…….. it really wasn’t that and everyone could probably read the chat log and will still say that it seemed like miscommunication. Like literally no one got in trouble for anything because it was just… wasn’t even the problem they made it out to be. This was something they could’ve tried to talk it out reasonably with us but they chose NOT to. That is ON THEM entirely.

Given how I was also repeatedly just being disregarded even AS a mod, I was completely fed up with it all. When there were issues, no one brought it up to the mods directly??? And told the server owner instead??? LIKE??? He never even told me that’s how everyone actually felt, i only knew because when I used to be in Ann’s server, they all told me what they felt about the changing times of the server (which can’t be helped in most cases) AND the fact that I can tell that’s how people felt based on the vibes.

Was I really THAT untrustworthy as a person and a mod?? Was I really that incompetent to everyone???

I always felt like I was some half rate guy that no one liked. I tried because I knew that without someone there to manage it, it would’ve been so much worse. But it seemed like to me that everyone thought I was useless and a waste of space. They rather have that popular someone everyone loved to do my job for them. It would be so much better and much more fun, right? I agree.

I didn’t become a mod because I wanted clout. I wanted to help. I did it out of the pure love and appreciation of finding this community at one of the worst times of my life. And I still do want to help, but after all of this? Good luck on that. You all have to beg for me to come back to help. None of you guys deserve me at all.

Anyways, yeah, this is the extent to my side of the story WITH my personal thoughts and opinions on it. I don’t have the energy to make a tl;dr right now after saying all of this. So i’ll make an edit for it later.

This is why I personally left the server and cut off most of the people who I met there if they didn’t try to contact me again or get back in touch with me… And assuming I didn’t contact them first.

There’s just too much bad feelings in it for me to want to stay around. The thing with Ann and some couple others before her and this whole thing, all were as a result of being in this community, made me realize that they don’t want me around anymore. I figured it was time to me to step down or take more of a backseat, but now? Early retirement. Fuck this shit man.

Tl;dr: This is a rant of one of my MANY grievances about being a mod in the compass server. I am not blaming anyone for any of this as I understand that this was just the result of the circumstances that happened with everyone at the time.

The key points being:

Understaffed mod team and a busy server owner, which led me to struggle with modding as I wasn’t sure what was okay and what wasn’t, and overall a lot of work on me being the only person modding a whole server of people. I didn’t mention it before but it stressed me out constantly for years.

Having to demote a mod for misconduct. His list of crimes goes from bad work ethics, bad display of behavior on multiple occasions as a mod, irresponsible with organization (tried to host his own tournament but failed and had me doing most of the heavy lifting before it was ultimately “canceled”), and the worst of all: dating a minor (5 years younger than he was). This point later comes back as this former mod (whom I called Allen for the sake of using a name, it isn’t his name/online handle) joined my tournament with his team.

The team being the one that caused me a lot of trouble because they firmly believed that we were abusing our power and said we deliberately sabotaged them on purpose. None of which was true and I’m sure a lot of people have noticed this, but I refrained from dropping too much details as I’m not here to start shit or make it a callout post. Talk to the two helpers and they can probably explain it better. I listed various reasons for this happening and debunking some potential misunderstandings. The issue was largely miscommunication and I am aware of the issues it caused.

Most of this from that point onward was just my personal thoughts about feeling unappreciated, even under-appreciated, for all the stuff I have done. This extends from members not respecting what I had to say to feeling as if people didn’t want to listen to me or want me around because they thought I was useless, irresponsible, incompetent, and boring. “Clearly”, they don’t want someone like me as a mod so I left as a result of that. There is a lot more it but this is but a summary, so read it all if you want more details.

Overall, I’ve been disrespected and disregarded heavily before, but it felt somewhat clear to me that the community had a bias and very much wanted me to leave despite all that I was doing to make the server a better place to be in. I left after determining that they do not deserve me and if they want me back, they are all going to have to BEG for me to come back.