#please be kind because I will actually cry at anything negative for these two

[nereidprinc3ss]

hii i love love how u write spencer omds🥸

uhh i was wondering if you could write sth based off the song “we’ll never have sex” by leith ross? pls dont feel pressured to write this btw😭😭😭 hope ur having a good day lovely💗💗

hello my love i have no self control so this is extremely long and plotty but i love this song and i hope that this is any good at all crying emoji (i'm on a laptop LOL) enjoy!!

warnings/tags: angst/fluff, fem!reader, negative self-talk from reader, mentions of past sexual coercion/feeling used, mentions of past excessive drinking to combat social anxiety, ive been watching a lot of new girl lately and i think it shows, SO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, happy ending

You weren’t expecting to end up on Spencer Reid’s worn-leather couch at two in the morning, clutching a chipped mug of coffee in your hands as you listen to the sounds of the city from the street below. But there you are, sitting with your legs folded under you, in your favorite dress and first date-night makeup (now bleeding and smudged from all the crying.) And realizing that despite considering him one of your closest friends, you haven’t been to his apartment in a long time. There are, of course, good reasons for that—but you try to push those from your mind. 

“I’m really sorry about this,” you sigh, staring at your warped reflection in the glassy black surface of your coffee. Spencer is coming out of the small kitchen, now bearing his own cup. 

“Please, stop apologizing.” 

You glance up, tentatively studying him from behind the safety of your mug. While he may not have been asleep when you knocked on his door ten minutes ago, lachrymose and barely verbal, he must have been getting ready for bed. He’s clad in patterned pajama pants, mismatched socks, and an FBI crewneck that is just big enough to reveal the collar of the tee-shirt underneath. He’s already taken out his contacts, and you were startled by the reminder that he also has glasses. 

“So...” he begins, bringing you back to the present moment, “we don't have to talk about anything, if you don’t want to, but...” 

You sigh, watching coffee bubbles swirl like stars in a galaxy. 

“It’s fine. Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed. I didn’t really think, I just... ended up here.” 

“Yeah... where did you come from?” he laughs quietly. “Not that I’m complaining. But I recall you not living super close by.” 

“No, no. I was actually on a date. Kind of.” 

“Ah.” There’s a beat of silence, and ostensibly Spencer is waiting for you to say more, but instead you take a sip from your mug. “At two in the morning?” You nod dully, staring at the labyrinthine pattern of the Persian rug.  

“I’m taking it that it wasn’t a very good date...?” 

A whoosh of air escapes from your puffed cheeks. 

“No it was not. Not by the end, anyway. It actually started really well, which made it even more disappointing when he...” you laugh, but there’s not much humor in it. “Well, when he kicked me out of his car on a street corner because I didn’t want to sleep with him.” 

You don’t look to see Spencer’s reaction—only take another long, baleful sip of coffee and ignore the heavy silence.  

“I’m really sorry. You... you deserve so much better than that.” 

An attempt at a jaded scoff from you falls flat. 

“Yeah, well. Tell that to the last three white house interns I’ve gone on dates with. It’s the same thing every time.” 

“Have you considered going on fewer dates with white house interns...?” The nervous humor is a thin veil over genuine critique. You shrug, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“It’s not just them. Every single guy I’ve liked since I was 15 has been like this. Even my past relationships, I felt like I was almost... tricked into, you know? I mean, these guys, they act all understanding and willing to take it slow or whatever, until you’re in a relationship, and suddenly they’re guilt tripping you so hard and making you feel so obligated to...” you catch yourself just in time, glancing up at Spencer. You’re not sure what to make of his expression. The drawn brow and slightly squinted eyes trained so intently on you could be sympathy, or anger, or pity, or apathy—you look away, not sure you even want to know what he’s thinking. “Sorry. You don’t need to hear all about that. Basically romance is exhausting and since I’ll clearly be single forever I’m considering running away to join a nunnery.” 

When he doesn’t respond for too long, you look back up quizically. 

“I’m not sure you know what romance actually is,” he says as soon as your gaze meets his, like the eye-contact activated some kind of hair-trigger in his vocal box. 

You blink, lowering the coffee cup to your lap. 

Says Spencer Reid? 

“...sorry?” 

He flushes, stammering to clarify himself. 

“I just meant—I—I know I’m not exactly fighting women off with a stick—” he interrupts himself with a self-conscious (adorable) laugh— “but... but I have been in love, at least once.”  

“Maeve,” you say, gently—trying to shove down bitter guilt as you remember how jealous you’d been when Spencer had first told you about her. “I remember.” 

He swallows and nods. 

“We never even met—we just talked. All the time. I had no idea what she looked like. But it didn’t matter at all. Because I knew her, and I loved her. Maybe things would have gone further if I hadn’t been calling her from public phone booths, but that wasn’t the most important thing to either of us. We were still in love.” You try to shut out the sharp ache in your chest. Being jealous of the way he speaks about a dead woman is so wrong.  

“What I’m trying to say is that romance isn’t solely about sex, or even physical appearance. It sounds to me like you’ve been with a lot of men who don’t understand that. And it would be such a shame for you to write romance off in general before you even get to experience it. You are... an extraordinary woman. You’re funny, and intelligent, and kind, and so capable of being loved. One day, someone is going to see beyond your pulchritude and prove that to you. I hope you let them try.” 

More tears blur the pattern on the rug, pooling in the rims of your eyes before spilling down your cheeks in fast, fat drops. Shakily you set the cup down, resting your elbows on your knees and hiding your face in your hands. You sniff once. Twice. Shake your head quickly, attempting to wipe the tears away without further smearing your makeup everywhere. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Spencer breathes, leaning forward but obviously unsure how to comfort you. “Please don’t cry, I wasn’t--I was trying to do the opposite of this.” 

“No, I’m sorry! You didn’t have to—you didn’t—I’m sorry. That was way too nice.” 

But you're not crying because he was nice.  

Someone will love you, but not me. That’s all you can hear. 

His voice is a mere whisper when he next speaks. 

“I meant every word.” 

You take a shuddering breath, allowing yourself a moment of reprieve behind the peaceful black of your eyelids. You can’t be looking at his face when you say what you’re about to say. 

“I had a crush on you for the longest time, you know.” 

Ringing silence. But it doesn’t last as long as you’d imagined. It’s not as world ending. 

“Had?” 

The little smile in his voice is like a fist around your heart. 

“Yeah. You know what changed?” 

“What’s that?” 

Absolutely nothing. 

“Every time I got super drunk and started hitting on you, you’d just drive me home. And I did it a lot. Like, for months. But you were such a gentleman. It drove me fucking crazy. So eventually I figured you just didn’t like me and I gave up.” 

Another stretch of silence. A breeze comes in from the open window, fluttering the curtains and cooling the tears on your face. His response is sad when it finally comes. 

“You thought I didn’t like you because I didn’t try to take advantage of you when you were drunk?” 

“Pretty much.” You smile ruefully, fingertips still pressed over your eyes. “God, listen to me. No wonder I get treated like garbage.” 

“Stop. Don’t talk about yourself like that. Did you hear anything I just said?” 

You sniff, looking to the ceiling. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. It was really sweet.” 

More silence. 

“But you don’t believe it.” 

A bitter laugh poisons the air around you. 

“I don’t know.  I’m kind of tired of waiting for someone to prove it to me. Just for once, I want someone to be interested in me beyond having sex in the back of their fucking... Range Rover, or whatever. Like, maybe all that stuff you said is true, but there’s no evidence to support it, and I know logically you’re probably right but I can’t help wondering if... if I’m the outlier. Maybe there just isn’t someone for me like that. Maybe I’m just gonna be the sex in the back of the Range Rover girl forever.” 

A noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob forces itself from your throat and you bury your face in your hands again, shaking your head. 

“Wow, I am so sorry,” you say a little too loudly, “I did not mean to be this honest tonight. Did you spike my coffee?” 

“You are not the outlier,” Spencer whispers.  

You sniff, lifting your head haltingly to look at him. 

“What?” 

His voice shakes slightly as he speaks. 

“You said you can’t help wondering if you’re the outlier, and maybe there just isn’t someone for you like that. That’s not true.” 

“Spencer, those are just words. You can’t possibly know that. Statistical probabilities don’t count.” 

“That’s... that’s not how I know.” 

Your heart drops as you study his face.  

No. 

Surely he’s not saying what you think he’s saying. 

Surely he wouldn’t do this to you after you’ve just told him everything you told him. You have been harboring feelings for him for years. Since you met. He can’t just spring this on you one night because you’re a little bummed out. If he felt the same, you would have found out a long time ago; he had ample opportunity to tell you. There was a period of months where you practically threw yourself all over him at every chance you got, and he did nothing. So this... this is just cruel—something you’ve never known Spencer Reid to be. 

You stand up, trembling slightly with rage and grief and humiliation. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t say things that you don’t mean just to make me feel better.” 

“What are you doing? Don’t--” 

You scoop up your purse, trying to get to the front door as fast as your gelatinous legs will allow. More tears are streaming down your face now and you don’t need him to see what he’s done to you—to see how much you care what he thinks. 

“It’s fine. Thanks for the coffee, I’ll see you around—” 

A hand around your wrist stops you in your tracks 

“Stop. Just... please give me a second to talk, okay?” 

With nothing left to give, you turn to him. 

“Don’t be mean, Spencer. Don’t act like you liked me too. That makes me feel... so much worse.” 

He takes a deep, shaky breath, as if steeling himself. Tawny eyes bore into your soul, and you realize that there is so much sheer nervous energy radiating off of him it’s infectious. Your heart begins to pound as he speaks. 

“I’m not doing that. I’m being an idiot, because you just told me that you don’t feel that way about me anymore but... but I do. And I have to tell you now because for six months I tortured myself wondering why you would flirt with me so much when you were hammered and then act like nothing happened the next day. There were so many times I almost told you how I felt but I didn’t and now I am because even if it ruins our friendship you need to know that somebody... that I wanted to be that person for you. I still do.” 

Your heart is like an unmoored zeppelin in your chest, bumping against your esophagus and threatening to either burst or jump out of your mouth. You take your chances, whispering so quietly it’s almost inaudible. 

“You... you like me?” 

“Yes,” Spencer sighs. “I have liked you for a very long time. And I’m sorry—” 

Whatever ridiculous thing he was going to apologize for, you don’t give him the chance. Instead you launch yourself at him, capturing his lips in a kiss that feels so much better than it’d ever been in your fantasies because it’s real. You hear his sharp intake of breath, but it only takes a second for him to respond, cradling your face in his hands like you’re the entire world. For a moment, time bends. Years of longing, of buried dreams crash into the present in a brilliant, dazzling explosion.

And then, as quickly as it started, he pulls away. The absence of his touch is like a vacuum, so much worse now that you know exactly how it feels to have his lips on yours, even if it was only for a few seconds. How the hell did you live like that for so long? How are you supposed to live like that ever again?

“You’re not thinking clearly,” he breathes, tilting his head back toward the ceiling like he’s barely holding onto his self control. “You just want someone to comfort you, I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable state and confided in me which is manufacturing a false sense of attachment—” 

You grab his wrists, which still graze your jaw.

“Spencer, stop intellectualizing for thirty seconds. I promise you I am thinking clearly.” 

“You said you used to like me, past tense—” 

“Yeah, I did. Do you believe every single murderer who says he didn’t do it?” 

“No, but—” 

“Have you ever heard the phrase; a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts?” 

“Of course I have.” 

“Then what more could you possibly need to be convinced that I really like you? I already kissed you! What is stopping you?” 

Another deep breath is taken by him that seems to suck all the air out of the quiet room. Briefly, you wonder if you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you really do like him so much more than he could ever like you.  

Until he looks back down, eyes so golden-brown in the dim light, so kind and full of affectionate concern as he carefully assesses every square centimeter of your face, looking for... well, you’re not exactly sure what. It’s like he’s extracting every thought from your head, turning them over like sun-warmed stones until he finds what he’s looking for. He smooths his hands over your hair, brushing strands away from your teary face. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of holding your breath, he speaks. 

“I just want you to believe what I believe about you. But I don’t want you to have to rely on me or anyone else for your own self-worth.” 

“Well, don’t you think very highly of yourself,” you tease with a sniffle. He laughs—it's quiet, but his smile is so bright without even trying that suddenly you can’t remember why you’ve ever been sad. The small miracle of his laughter makes you feel so light, and you realize it has nothing to do with the way he makes you feel about yourself. It has everything to do with who he is. 

Once the giggles die down, you tentatively mirror his hold on your face. 

“Spencer, I don’t like you because you like me. I’ve liked you for an embarrassingly long time. I liked you enough that I gave myself a severe hangover at least once a week for three months just so I could have an excuse to flirt shamelessly with you.” 

A half-sad smile pulls at the corner of his mouth, and he gently swipes under your eyes. 

“You never had to do that. I would have welcomed your sober brazen flirting with open arms.” 

“Well... do you believe me?” you plead. His amber eyes shine. 

“I do.” 

“Will you kiss me?” 

“If that’s what you want.” 

You nod, rising on your toes to meet him halfway. 

When your lips meet again, it is sweet, and honest, and slow, and deep. Still, there is no desperation--no race to an imagined finish line, no clash of teeth and pawing hands. It is a kiss for the sake of it—as if it were the greatest intimacy. Not a precursor to sharing a bed, but something bigger than that in and of its own. Something just as worthy and important. For the first time, you think you’re beginning to understand romance. And while you wouldn’t mind if things did escalate, you also know that Spencer knows that’s not what matters right now. Because he actually understands you—he actually cares. He will wait until you understand that you mean so much more than that to him.

To that end, he pulls away, gently supplanting his absence with a kiss to the corner of your mouth. 

“It would be polite of me to offer you a ride home, wouldn’t it?” he whispers, like it’s the last thing he wants to do. You bite the inside of your cheek, coming up with reasons not to go. One ridiculous one arises from the depths of your memory that you know he won’t be able to say no to. 

“Or... I could stay here, and we could watch one of those nerdy foreign films you’re always talking about?” 

A slow, perfect, high-watt smile blossoms on his face, and you know you’ve said exactly the right thing. 

“Nerdy? Oh, my darling girl... Soviet-era filmography is far from nerdy. небесная машина will completely defy what you thought you knew about the life of an average Russian villager in the 1950’s.” 

“Oh, good. Because I’ve really been meaning to change the way I think about the average 1950’s Russian villager,” you smile, already closing in to kiss him again. 

------------------------------------------ 

epilogue

Three hours later, you’re crying because the life of the average Russian villager in the 1950’s was so much worse than you’d previously thought. 

“It was good, right?” Spencer asks as the credits roll over a bleak snowy sepia landscape, leaning back to get a better look at you. You sit up from where you’d been leaning against him, furiously wiping your eyes. 

“It was terrible! Why didn’t you tell me that everyone except the kid dies in the end?!” 

“Because that’s the whole point of the movie!” he laughs, pulling you back into him. “I’m sorry. I probably should have explained how depressing this entire era of film was outside of the US.” 

“And also how long the movies were. I was not prepared for how many five minute long clips of empty fields there were going to be.” 

“You’re right,” he ammends, wrapping his arms around you in a way that gives you butterflies and makes you sleepy at the same time. “Next time we can watch whatever you want to watch.” 

Time passes like that—you in his arms, watching weak light slowly flood the room with half-lidded eyes and listening to the sounds of the city waking up from the street below, underscoring the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Thoughts float by like leaves on the ever-flowing current of your mind, and you’re happy to let them pass until one in particular catches your attention. 

“Spencer?” 

He hums, like he’d been deep in his own proverbial river of thought. 

“What does pulchritude mean?” 

It takes him a split second to remember the bit of conversation from earlier to which you are referring, but when he does, he chuckles, running his hand over your messy hair. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

And so you let it float away. 

[lizdive]

Er father figure Ratio with child reader that is like huohuo! Idk what else to explain but i hope ya get it😞 (PLEASE PLATONIC)

You got it anon 🫡 thank you for requesting and if you’re unsatisfied just tell me !! <33

notes 𐙚 gender-neutral reader — "you" used to refer to reader ,, reader is a child ,, reader is based off of "huohuo" from honkai star rail (duh) ,, platonic relationships ,, i’m not sure if that blue flame thing is called phase flame but that what i’ll call it ,, mister tail exists here for reader ,, not proofread ignore typos

⭑ Despite having the ability to exorcise spirits, the phase flame absolutely terrified you as you ran through the halls of herta’s space station, the living thing of blue flames rushing after you as Mr. Tail yelled at you to do something — anything.

⭑ You ended up bumping into VERITAS, falling back onto your butt. The professor was obviously less than pleased as he looked down at you, but he blinked once he noticed you didn’t seem to be a researcher or anything. He, of course, spotted the phase flame rushing after you at full speed and realized what was happening.

⭑ Even after he contained the creature you still kept close to him as if he was your human shield.

⭑ You did apologize, of course, and introduce yourself. VERITAS wasn’t too harsh on you since you were still only a child and children weren’t really the brightest stars naturally so he knew you wouldn’t be Einstein smart.

⭑ VERITAS tried to get you to leave him alone multiple times but somehow you both end up bumping into each other again so he’s begrudgingly accepted the fact that you are stuck with him.

⭑ He’s intrigued by Mr. Tail. When you tell him the story and how you could’ve been harmed if any other approach was taken, he does feel a bit bad. But also a bit unamused because of your past dumbness to interact with a literal FLAME.

⭑ Gets along with Mr. Tail but also doesn’t?? They have their moments. Whenever you’re in lectures with him, seated in the corner just doing your thing whether it be creating talismans or doing some activities and assignments he’s given you, Mr. Tail will sometimes be up there with VERITAS and his students cry x10 more because they can both be pretty mean..

⭑ VERITAS doesn’t blame you for being scared of spirits and other things, but he’s also kind of confused at the lengths of your fear because it’s kind of your job / occupation to get rid of them.

⭑ If you tell him you want to resign but you’re too scared, he’ll encourage you and help you build the confidence to quit. However if he noticed it’s affecting your health negatively (ex: heart health because of the constant scares) he will force you to quit. Job be damned, especially because you’re still very young.

⭑ If it’s because of money or something, he has enough and more to spend on the two (three?) of you.

⭑ People making fun of you? Not anymore. Whenever VERITAS hears someone call you 'the possessed demoness' he gets annoyed. Yes, Mr. Tail possess you sometimes however it’s only to keep you safe. He even encourages Mr. Tail to do so to keep you dafe during those situations because he knows how petrified you get.

⭑ He doesn’t hide his distain for the nickname and any other mean names people may call you. He will literally give a physical reaction with his expression and tell them to hold their tongue and learn some respect.

⭑ Knowing how timid, shy, and just sensitive overall you can be, he’ll try to tone down his behavior for you so you don’t get scared of him. That’s the last thing he wants — he doesn’t want it at all, actually.

⭑ VERITAS will help you build up your courage if you wish. He… isn’t a big fan of Mr. Tail’s methods but he also knows that for some they’re effective. Exposure isn’t necessarily bad but he thinks you should start off slow with smaller things.

⭑ You’ll probably know every kind of spirit there is to know about because of VERITAS and how to deal with them. Not even just spirits, bro will teach you about other creatures, too.

⭑ And at the end of the day, scared or brave, VERITAS doesn’t mind if you hide behind him and let him take care of you and the situation,,

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking someone out as a joke?

😥🙊

Normally I would never ask someone out as a joke but I thought it would be funny this time because of the situation!

So we are all in high school. I'm the youngest. I'm 16m, and everyone else involved are seniors. There is a girl in our friend group who I was pretty sure didn't like me. "Em".

We don't really get along, but Em's not too mean or anything. Sometimes, she disagrees with me just to disagree with me. An example is one time I was talking about how one of my classes was hard and she said "I don't think it's difficult" I'm in an AP class and she isn't, so she has no idea how challenging or unchallenging my classes are. Another time when she found out I liked dogs, she made fun of me for being 'one of those men who hates cats because I don't understand consent' I don't really know what that means. I like Jack Russell terriers. I wasn't aware that was indictive of some sort or personality trait or lack of boundaries. I also don't dislike cats so I'm not sure where it came from. She also shoots down every suggestion I make on principle. Once I suggested we go bowling, and she gagged, but then got excited about it when someone else in the friend group agreed with me and acted like it was the other friends idea. She's also made negative comments about my body, namely that I don't have a girlfriend because I don't work out and my arms are small. I'm the only one in the group she acts like this with.

I just always got the impression that she just did not like me in any way at all.

Em dumped her boyfriend 3 months before Prom because he was "boring" (her words) and wasn't sure what she was going to do. I jokingly suggested she take me to prom, with the joke being. "You don't like me, imagine being stuck with me at prom." Because we have never once had a normal conversation and I genuinely thought she disliked.

She agreed, and I thought she was matching my energy and I was like "ok hahaha"

One of our other friends came to talk to me about prom and I said I wasn't going, I'm too young. They said they thought I was going with Em. I replied "that was a joke because she kind of hates me?" And I was told she thought we were actually going to prom together.

The next time we were together I apologized and told her I thought we were joking about prom because she obviously doesn't like me.

She started crying and it was super awkward. She now isn't speaking to me at all. She says I embarrassed her and was needlessly cruel.

Our friends are divided but ultimately decided it's between us.

Some of our friends think it was just a miscommunication and not a big deal because they also thought Em disliked me and got the joke when I made it. Others think I was being a bit cruel to her but ultimately decided it was none of their business. There were secret third options as well but they still agreed that they didn't want to be involved in the drama.

She also left our friend group because the others chose not to get involved instead of backing her up. She sits with different people at lunch now (or so my older friends say).

There are two people who might see this from my friend group so I'm going to just here ask them: hey if you see this please don't not weigh in because you have a bias, thanks!

I also won't get defensive if I'm voted the asshole.

aita?

[bugeater101]

Stop Hitting Yourself

Synopsis: After four years of high school, you were sick and tired of Yang Jeongin. However, your inexperience with relationships combined with his persistence have you questioning your feelings towards him. Now, in the final stretch of your secondary education, you've somehow been paired up with that brute in a project. Yet, your study plans in the library take a different turn when you let your curiosity (and his perseverance) get the better of you.

Content: bully!Jeongin x nerd!fem!reader, plus size!reader, virgin!innocent!reader (doesn't know anything besides basic biology), dom!Jeongin, big dick!Jeongin, Jeongin is a dumbass (also oscillates between like cold bad boy and golden retriever boy), hand kink, reader has small hands, Jeongin has huge hands (duh), enemies to lovers, school AU, the reader is a bit insecure and endures a lot of bullying by Jeongin (teasing, mocking, comments related to glasses, no other negative comments related to appearance), mentions of smoking, 0-100 kind of plot, groping, spanking, pain kink, oral sex (male!receiving), crying, degradation, slight size kink, public sex, unprotected sex (please where a condom!!), mentions of breeding, vaginal penetrative sex, a hella cute epilogue.

Word Count: ~16.9 k (I AM SO SORRY)

Author's Notes: This fic is for my lovely and patient followers and hte amazing anon who sent in this request! Also, even though this AU takes place in a high school setting, please note that both Jeongin and the reader are 18+ in this fic. Minors, do not interact! This work also follows a lot of stereotypes about like "nerds" and "bullies" but bear with me y'all. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, trussss that it is not because the bully is harbouring some crush on you. This fic uses such dynamics to simply build towards the smut and power dynamics. To quote Tyler the Creator, "Hey, don't do anything I'm about to say." Also, I would eventually love to do another and much shorter part two, but that is an idea for another time. Thank y'all as always!

Taglist: @scribblemetae @mygsis, @9900z @taekbokki,@imtoooyoungforthisshit, @jihanlovic, @compersian

You had three goals once you entered high school: get good grades, stay out of trouble, and try to have fun.

Yang Jeongin, however, seemed hell-bent on destroying any semblance of peace in your life. In fact, you bet that his whole schedule was dedicated to manifesting your misery. Or, possibly, he just brought torment with him wherever he went.

Nevertheless, it was accurate to claim that his purpose (in your perception) was to make you miserable. For the past school year, you had seen more of Jeongin than you ever wished to: your schedules put him in at least two classes with you every semester for four years and you also lived relatively close to one another. So, your encounters were frequent, expected, and... "memorable", to say the least.

Every day since freshman orientation, you have been forced to acknowledge Jeongin's existence on a daily basis. Almost immediately, he adopted a particularly cruel stance toward you. When it all first started, his taunts were just for fun and to seek attention, to say the least. Now, he just seemed mean. Not to anyone in particular: Jeongin was just a generally disagreeable person, and especially to you.  And it hurt.

Obviously, it hurt, who would not be hurt if they found themselves in such circumstances?

It was embarrassing to admit it, but Jeongin's indifference toward you was often offset by your more "cordial" feelings toward him. Actual motherfucking cordial feelings. In other words, you had harboured a small, tiny, minuscule, microscopic crush on him that even his meanest days could not challenge. So, you've had a crush on Jeongin since you first met him and it has been the dumbest thing you've ever done.

You remember when you first saw him. It was orientation for high school, the first day of the semester. You were a freshman and he was too. However, your appearance alone separated you and him into two distinct social categories. Like the delinquents that were his so-called friends, he wore his uniform messily: tie loose, shirt untucked, sneakers, and messy hair. Everything he did was with an insufferable air of nonchalance and disrespect, almost aggressive in the languid, lazy movements he made. Even his walk reeked of a cockiness that altered the milieu of the room. You couldn't believe how intolerable he was, nor could you believe how your cheeks flushed at the mere sight of him. High cheekbones, a fox-like face, slender build but definitely on the muscular side. God, not to mention he was big. He was tall, at least taller than the other boys in your grade. His height alone made him stick out like a sore thumb, not to mention his clothing. He had immediately caught your eye and it made you sick.

And then there was you: you were just as out of place as he was, but for entirely different reasons. Your hair was proper, your glasses were well polished, and your uniform was always ironed. Of course, the uniform rarely fit properly as you were bigger. The shirt never buttoned right and the skirt was too short in the back, making you feel much more out of place than you would have liked. Other than your rather ill-fitting uniform, your propriety and intelligence made you the odd one out. You contrasted much of the student population in those respects, especially Yang Jeongin.

For lack of a better word, you were a fucking loser. And so was Jeongin. But at least he owned it. Maybe that was what you liked about him, that he knew he wasn't much and didn't have to prove himself through school or other activities. Either that or how fucking attractive his jawline was or his messy hair.

Jeongin and his friends managed to sit somewhat near you during orientation. He couldn't see you from his position, but you could see him. His confident stare, the flirtatious grin he flashed, and the troublesome giddiness in his eyes would normally make you well annoyed. But, with him, it was somehow different, like he wasn't just another stupid boy you couldn't wait to ignore and forget. God. It was like some trope where he was the bad boy and you were some know-it-all who was desperate for some freedom, which he could offer you.

The entire assembly went over your head as your eyes transfixed on the boy who sat in front of you with his giggling gaggle of friends and troublemakers. You swore he thought he was one of the cutest boys you'd ever seen.

That all quickly changed once you got to know him.

You only had two classes with him that year but they were unforgettable due to the sheer torture he put you through. He would tease you, take your notes, copy off of your tests, and sometimes right his name on your homework (and he would still manage to get shitty grades). Needless to say, your fondness for him obviously and quickly diminished.

Yet, you still knew that those feelings hadn't entirely disappeared. They were still there, just somewhere deep down. However, some nights, those feelings were quite shallow and you didn't need to search so deeply to find them, as if you could reach out and touch them with ease. It happened late at night and only in the shroud of darkness. Your head would either be too busy or too slow, as if the overbearing presence of thoughts or their complete absence somehow created a tunnel to your most shameful yet needful desires. Though you wouldn't like to admit it, at these moments you find yourself pining for him. And then you feel those feelings, the ones that you don't really understand but you're too embarrassed to even type the words into the search bar and figure out what's going on so you just deal with them. And then you spend the night lying in your bed, tossing and turning to your memories of Jeongin, wondering what he would be like if he were here with you now. 

Fuck. You need a boyfriend, or to at least get laid.

Yeah. You're inexperienced, but you know the basics. At least, you think you do. When it comes to Jeongin, all logic gets thrown out the window. You often find yourself wondering what you actually want to do with him: to kill him or… God, you couldn’t even think of the filthy things you wanted him to do to you. Maybe it was because you were too embarrassed to think such things, or maybe it was because you truly didn’t know what to think. Despite acing AP biology and understanding how everything physiologically works, your lack of experience has made you rather ill-equipped when it comes to anything romantic or "alleviating" those feelings you have when you think about Jeongin. Either way, your mind was blank when it came to him, especially those feelings that make you toss and turn and pray that weird giddy feeling goes away.

Now, after four years, you can practically taste your liberation from him. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore his teases. Not only is he becoming more annoying by the second, but it also seems like he is just getting fucking hotter. Especially when he magically starts paying attention in class and you finally have a chance to stare at him uninhibited, as if being free from his constant attention finally gives you a chance to admire him. It looks like you are staring off into space, but really you are studying him. His pretty face, how good he would look if he cleaned himself up a bit more, or even admitting to yourself how good he looks all scruffy. You would study his body, how slender he is, how you want to feed him good desserts, how you think he would be the type of boyfriend to never resist eating his partner's food. Then you would acknowledge how he keeps his nail beds clean. How nice his hands are, overall. How nice they would be to hold. How big they are, how veiny... how that insinuates he is big and veiny in other places. 

...Okay, so you weren't completely out of the dating sphere. You were naive, but you knew how everything worked. However, you also knew that there was more than just strange feelings and vaginal penetration and orgasms and pregnancy and yada yada yada: there was more beyond sex than just sex. But, of course, you never worked up the courage to simply type lewd searches into Google or bother to ask any of your friends about it. Except for the hand thing, which is just that: a hand thing. A thing you have for hands, Jeognin’s hands, and yeah. Just a hand thing. Nothing else. Yeah.

Anyways, you remained—more or less—in the dark about sex. Though you would like to know more, you know that you've only felt certain feelings towards Jeongin, and only him, of all people. For any logical person, it is better to bury those feelings deep inside than let yourself accept that they are awoken by a ghastly man who cares little for you or your well-being.

You'd rather stick to your studies, anyways.

Today, however, was a particularly irritating day. Normally, Jeongin enjoyed following you around, jeering rude chants at you with his friends (your favourite was the classic and unoriginal "Hey four-eyes!" followed by a chorus of giggles), or trying to wrap his arm around you as you walked down the hall. Every time, you brushed him off.  However, Jeongin's irritability was off the charts since he decided that today was the day to dress in a particularly irritating fashion. He had completely disregarded his school uniform altogether. Why did this of all things make you mad, exactly? Because he looked fucking amazing.

Wrinkled white shirt. Loose tie. And sweatpants. Not just any sweatpants, but grey sweatpants. God, it was like he was trying to annoy you. How could he look so good while wearing something so informal? He was borderline infuriating in his presence alone, now you had to cope with how his sweatpants left little to the imagination. Though you wished that someone would put a stop to this reign of terror, you knew that the school administration had completely given up trying to control him at this point. This institution had become Jeongin's domain and you were intended to suffer through it as well as your rage-based attraction to him. Nevertheless, you pushed those feelings below your impermeable layer of school-related anxiety and ignored them. You found this trick especially useful to you when he was your lab partner in chemistry last year. It is an especially useful tool now considering you were seated across from him.

While you tried to keep your eyes focused on the board in front of you and not on the hunk of the man to your left, the task immediately became easier once your teacher announced the first big project of the semester.

"This project will weigh at around 20% of your grade and will replace this module's exam." Sighs of relief passed through the class in waves, the whole class happy to know that they just have to make a powerpoint rather than study all night for a written test that they would likely fail. Peace, however, was momentary.  

"However,” your teacher continued, “since this project is a large amount of work, it will be done in groups of two." You gave a quick smile to your friend and desk partner to your right, who smiled back.

"The groups, however, have been randomly assigned." Your faces both dropped. Actually, everyone stopped smiling. Then, waves of groans moved through the class.

"Stop complaining," the teacher sighed, rubbing her eyes. "To create a conducive learning environment that limits your amount of fun, I randomly assigned each of you to someone in the class who you likely do not talk to. I will post the partners at the end of class and I suggest that you start working on the project ASAP and throughout the weekend because it's due in a week." Another wave of groans rolled through the class and was immediately followed by complaints, questions, exasperated sighs, and a particularly harsh exhale from you. You hated assigned group projects. Due to your reputation, you were usually expected to carry the project along with whoever you were assigned. You never really minded the work as long as you got to choose your partner. Essentially, if the partner was your friend, you would happily and easily do all the work. But now that the teacher has “randomly selected” your partners (she surely just put them through a random assigning program), you felt your blood boil. Jeongin, however, was surely silently rejoicing at the announcement of a group-based project: it meant that he could coast by like he normally did in group projects.

The rest of the class drudged on with great exhaustion. Everyone loathed the prospect of seeing who they were paired up with at the end of it. The worst thing was that it was the Friday of a long weekend. School was meant to be the last thing on anyone's mind until Tuesday came around. You all should have been blessed with the freedom of three days off and whatever it entailed: drinking, parties, staying out late, suspicious excuses given to your guardians, small friend groups loitering at the park at night, getting high then going to the 7/11, and hangovers that you thought were terrible but would seem like small headaches when you're 22 and trying to keep up with college-level drinking. This was what the weekend was for. However, this teacher obviously loved to ruin everyone's time and force them to study and work on this project. 

With the final bell, the teacher headed out first followed by a mass of same-dressed students who were eager to see the possible stranger that they would be paired with. Jeongin left first, keen to leave but also being able to leave easily as he had brought nothing to class. After a few minutes, you and your friend followed behind the crowd, watching the mass of students as they shoved to look at the list of partners on the corkboard. Some sulked away, others jeered as they had been blessed with the partnership of a friend. Jeongin was one of the first to walk away, smiling smugly and playfully shoving his friend as they sat idly by, waiting for their partners to come to them.

After a few minutes of struggle, you and your friend finally made your way to the list.

"Who'd you get?" You ask as she studies the list first.

"That kid that sits behind us," she says.

"Oh, that's good! His name is Seungmin, he’s sweet."

"Yeah, but..." her voice trailed off.

"But... what?" You inquired, her voice making you uneasy. 

"You're gonna... your partner... just, see for yourself." She steps out of the way as your finger traces down the list to find your name.

And there it is. Next to your partners. And, frankly, you can do nothing but slowly turn and look at Jeongin leaning against the lockers behind you.

He gives you a small smile and raises his eyebrows.

"We'll meet at 5 in the library! I'll see you then!" He states with a twisted grin. With those few words said, he and his friend saunter off, leaving you dumbstruck with your friend praying for your well-being beside you.

“Y/n,” she asked with a soft touch to your arm, “are you okay?” You gave a stiff nod as you watched Jeongin walk away. 

God. Those fucking grey sweatpants look so good on him.

---

"You're lucky that you know the librarian well enough that we can be left alone here," Jeongin teased, looking up at the high ceilings and clearly impressed by them. His arms hung low as he carried the stack of books he had slowly accumulated in his arms. Well, you place them in his arms, he just took them because he didn’t really know what to look for or how to study or what this class was even about. 

You guessed by his expression (and from your past four years of being his victim) that Jeonging had probably never even set foot in the library. In fact, he had little to no intention of doing so for his whole high school career. Yet, thanks to you, here he was.

"I don't 'know the librarian,'" you groaned. "I volunteer here. Some of us need extracurriculars on our university applications. I just have the privilege of going here enough that I get an extra key to help lock up." You placed the book you were carrying on the wooden table and Jeonin copied your action, dropping the stack of texts with a sigh.

“In other words,” Jeongin taunted, “you know the librarian well enough to come here after hours”. You shot him a look before turning to the mess of textbooks and binders in front of you.

"We wouldn't be alone after-hours if we had just started immediately after class," you stated angrily as you sorted the books into piles for you and him. "But somebody had to go smoke with his friends outside, so now we've had to come after hours to study."

"Just know that it was a really good smoke break," Jeongin replied with glee as you divided up his and your reading materials, placing the books with a hidden rage that only came from years of bullying or sexual frustration. Or, in your case, a horrid cocktail of both. After you were done, you took a seat on one side of the table and gestured for him to sit opposite you. He got the hint and sat, immediately flipping through his books and shuffling them around, not even trying to look busy. 

"All I know is that we're here, alone, with no one else around and that I could trash this place if I wanted,” he continued with an air of cockiness you wanted to destroy.

At this point, you were really starting to regret everything that has ever happened to you. Sure, having a key to the school's immense library was a bonus of being a diligent student: you knew you could always escape here and it was entrusted in your care. Many times you had retreated to this place in the hopes of peace and quiet from the troubles of school. It was your sanctuary.

Now, an early library closing, a nicotine addiction, and a late study session had forced you to bring him here.

"I know you won't do that,” you shot back, “and I also know that I could just lock you in here if I wanted for the whole weekend.” Your response made his eyes go wide with what seemed to be shock and worry. However, when a smile broke out on his face, you knew that he thought your threats were empty. 

"You're fun!" He cheered. 

"I will lock you in here, Jeongin." You restated in a serious tone which he didn't seem to take as seriously. "Now,” you continued, “get started on studying. We have a lot to do and I have no intention of doing it alone. You need to look through the blue book. Read sections 2 to 4 and take notes on anything related to the assignment. Check the study questions, too: there could be info in the answers that could help us out."

"I hate that you're making me work," he complained in an obnoxious tone that could only be embodied by a teenage boy who had never been put in his place. "Normally I do nothing and the person just lugs me along."

"Well, I'm tired of carrying group projects, so you have to carry your own weight," you sighed. "Now. Start studying."

Jeongin gave you an eye roll before quietly retreating to his book. The silence quickly engulfed the library and you flipped through your book, looking at where to begin and fearing how much you had to tackle. 

Although this was a less-than-ideal situation, it did have its perks. To be honest, you never knew Jeongin could be quiet. It was nice to take quick glances at him while he studied, his face contorted as he analyzed the text and focused on his work. Just these few moments of silence seemed to give you hope. Maybe you could make the best of a bad situation. Maybe you could use this time to make Jeongin shut up for a few seconds and let you study his handsome face before being rudely disrupted by whatever dribble he decided to shoot out. Maybe this partnering was a blessing in disguise.

Your hopes were ruined as the silence was broken.

"God!" Jeongin groaned, leaning far back in his chair. "This is so borringgggggg!" Your annoyance immediately returned to your body. He was hot, but god did he like to pester you.

"Please, Jeongin, read the passages, I beg of you," you groaned as you looked through the books to find out the sections you were meant to study.

"Ughhhh..." he sighed. Suddenly, he loudly arose, chair screeching back as he picked up his books.

"What are you doing?" You asked, annoyed and barely looking up from the books you were still sorting through.

"I'm moving next to you," he responded as he waddled towards you, moving like a child who was purposefully aggravating a parent just for the fun of it. 

"Please, God, tell me why," you groaned.

"Because I'm lost!" He sighed, "I'm gonna sit by you because I hate being this far away and this lost at the same time. You have to help me Y/N if you're gonna make me carry my weight on this project."

As he slid himself and his books beside you, you prayed to every God you knew of—Jesus, Demeter, Allah, YHWH—that you would be vaporized then and there.

There was no escaping this irritation. Normally, you'd parry any advancements Jeongin made. Oftentimes, you would even take a different path home or avoid certain wings of the school altogether just to get away from him. To be clear, Jeongin didn’t actually frighten you. You weren't scared of Jeongin, you were just horribly, dreadfully annoyed with him. 

However, today was not a normal situation. There was no avoiding him: you were stuck with this fucking idiot on a group project with no hope of deflecting his pokes or prods.

"Oh, wait, before you start reading you should fix your glasses. They’re falling." He mumbles, "lemme… lemme just..." he then placed his pointer fingers on the center of your lens and pushed them up, readjusting the frames but dirtying your eyesight in the process. You shot him an angry look as he giggled, hating the smudge on the glass.

"If you must know," you seethed as you wiped your glasses off and placed them beside you, "I never wear them to read and study—two activities I still hope to do, despite your presence."

"Ah!" Jeongin dramatically fell back on his chair and grasped his heart as if he had just been shot straight through it. "Words hurt, y/n! I can't believe you would say such things to me! How dare you suggest I distract you!" He cried with a great fabricated sentiment.

Again, you rolled your eyes at his giggles and flirtatious fucking smile that made him look so damn dreamy that it made you want to punch a wall.

"Jeongin, please let me get back to studying."

"Call me 'Innie,'" he responded coolly.

You let a beat pass as you tried to process what he just said.

"...What?!" You hissed at him. That certainly got your attention.

"Call... me... 'Innie.'" His smile widened and he leaned forward, his face inches from yours and moving closer as he enunciated each syllable with mischief. 

Part of you wanted to push him away. You wanted to leave the library, march straight home, and write a strongly worded email to your teacher telling her that, despite her requirements, you desperately wanted to complete the assignment by yourself.

The other part of yourself, however...

Shamefully, that part wanted him to lean in closer. It enjoyed his playful smile and tone, and thought about how wonderful it was that you two were together, alone, uninterrupted. It thought about all you could do behind closed doors. It thought about things that made you anxious and confused and, frankly, made you want to turn your brain off.

So, you agreed with the former part.

"Jeongin," you stressed, leaning back. "Please go back to studying. I don't have time to play your silly name games." His exaggerated groan to your response almost made you crack a smile. Almost.

"Come onnnnnn, Y/n!" He wailed, voice echoing throughout the archives. "You don't even have to say it in public! Please! Only once!" Suddenly, he leaned in again and his face was now mere centimetres from yours. His voice was hushed and his eyes had a strange look in them, something that was serious and tempting. It seemed like he was trying to be playfully urgent in his words, but his voice made each syllable come across as languid, as if he were edging you on, almost daring you to obey him.

 "Just say it to me. Now, in private,” he pleaded.

Uh oh. That part of your brain that you tried to ignore was coming at you with a vengeance. You hardly noticed that your cheeks were starting to burn. Gathering all control, you tried to put an end to this foolishness. 

"We won't ever be alone together after next week,” you replied calmly. 

"What... what makes you say that?" He asked with a discouraged curiosity.

"Well... I can't imagine you'd want to hang out after this... after all..." you trailed off.

"After all...? What?" He continued, "After all 'I'm the smartest person in the district and intend to graduate top of the class so I don’t have time to hang out and do scumbag shit with my bestie Innie?"

Okay. Maybe Jeongin actually could humour you. After all, that impression is spot on. The blush on your cheeks had cooled now, but you had not noticed: your mind was too busy malfunctioning over the fact that you were smiling at something Yang Jeongin said to you. Jeongin had genuinely brought a smile to your face, and he seemed to notice, too.

"Woah! There's your smile!" Jeongin jeered, "I've been trying to get you to smile for like three or four years! 'Bout time!"

And just like that, your smile had disappeared without a trace. Your facial muscles even relaxed immediately, feeling no lingering strain from the act. How dare a fucking man tell you to smile, and to try and say that he has been wanting you to do so for four fucking years after bullying you for those same four goddamn years?! You felt like your chest would explode.

"What?! Where did it go?!" Jeongin whined, defeated and pouty because of it. "Pleeasseeeeeee smile again, y/n! You look so adorable when you do! I mean, you always do, but your smile! And I know you need your glasses and you look so cute with them, but I can finally see your whole face without them! Come oonnnnnnnnnn! Smileeeeeeee!!!"

Woah. Okay. Those words had sent that stupid, gullible, optimistic part of your brain into a frenzy. However, you clenched your jaw and kept a steady breath. You couldn’t let yourself get carried away as you knew it was all just a game to him. Everything was a game to him.

If Jeongin was telling the truth and that he thought you were “cute” or “always looked adorable”, you would have truly allowed yourself to believe his words. You would have beamed knowing that he thought it was beautiful if you did or didn’t smile, unable to hold back a response to his affection. If he was telling the truth, you were even ready to blush, beg, plead, flirt—whatever it took to keep him talking about how pretty you looked.

Yet, you are a pessimist, through and through.  Before your imagination could run off with the idea that Jeongin’s words were honest and genuine, your heart twined knowing that whatever he was saying was likely far from the truth. What Jeongin said was likely rooted in some foolish, mean-spirited, and twisted way of teasing you. He always did something like this after annoying you: poke the bear then tell it how lovely it looks before it has the chance to chase him down. It was just like those boys in junior high who would yell across the class claiming that “his friend liked you" while the very same friend made disgusted faces. The boys would laugh then, as if the very idea of loving you was a joke. The girls, however, would share a solemn silence, a solidarity only experienced by the victims of female adolescence and the macabre.  A

After all these experiences, you knew two things: boys were assholes and they were bullies. And Jeongin was part of them. 

So, at this moment, you felt dizzy from the sheer humiliation of his words and your  bubbling hatred. You couldn’t believe that Jeongin had the audacity to tease you like this, to say you were pretty when you knew that he had nothing positive to say about you. Saying such sweet things to you with nothing but ill intent behind them made you want to tackle him. Fuck his good looks or his conceited yet insanely attractive attitude. 

So, instead of letting yourself be hopeful and toy with the idea that he may actually be saying a nice thing, you did what you did every time: move past it and try to suppress your anger.

Clearing your throat, you returned to your book.

"Affection and coquetry won't work on me, Jeongin," you stated, eyes burning into the pages to try and ward off the pain in your stomach from his words. 

"Oh, really?" 

God. When will he learn to give up?! He leaned playfully on his hand and swiftly placed his elbow on the table, simultaneously and seamlessly nudging your book out of the way with a coy smile. The act made you huff through your nostrils and dignify his presence with a glare. He didn’t even register the pain his words had caused you. 

"They won't," you respond emotionlessly. All your emotions, however, became quite clear as you pushed your book back to its rightful place and shoved his elbow out of the way in the process, making him hiss from the pain. "And I doubt anything you do to me would count as flirtation."

Jeongin's sour face from the ache in his arm quickly changed to a wide-eyed, agape look. Oh no. The face of mischievous curiosity.

"I take that as a challenge!" He boomed.

"Oh, God, please smite me now," you mumbled, anxiety and rage rising. 

"I just gotta figure out what you like about me and just really capitalize on it," he pondered aloud.

Well. That statement made you scoff.

"I like nothing about you," you dryly stated.

“Oh, come on!” He responds, hoping your words were of off-beat humour rather than born from frankness. Your annoyance was boiling over, unable to contain it.

“No, it’s true,” you stated with malice. “You tease me about my looks and try to make me feel pretty just to tear me down. It’s honestly sickening and, frankly, after four years, it’s kind of unoriginal, Jeongin.”

“Y/n, what?”

There was no humour in your voice in the next words you spoke, no inkling that what you said could be taken lightly. You had let yourself speak freely and felt the burn of horrid words as they dripped from your tongue. 

 “In fact, I would say I’d rather hate you. Extremely so.” 

Silence engulfed the room. Not even the squeak of the chair as Jeongin shifted could be heard. You glanced up at the boy beside you. Jeongin was still and silent: two things he never was.

"...What?" you asked, your words met with no response but the cold echoes of the library. 

“Y/n, how could you say that?” His voice almost cracked as he asked the question. You glanced up at him and caught his eyes. They were glassy, empty.

Oh no.

Oh no... that dreadful empathy inside of you made your heart ache and your stomach churn. How could you feel so horrible after saying one mean thing when he's been nothing but disrespectful to you for four years?!

"I, umm... I—I mean" you tried to defend yourself without seeming like an asshole, which was becoming increasingly difficult as your mind raced to fill the space. However, you realized you had nothing positive to say at all. “Ah, fuck it,” you whispered under your breath. “Jeongin, be serious. Why would I like anything about you when you are nothing but mean to me?"

"Mean to you?!" He spat back, breaking from his hurt trance and turning to anger, simultaneously exacerbating your rage. "When have I ever—!" 

"You've been mean since the moment we met!” You shot back, “"You taunt me, tease me, and even follow me when we run into each other. It is hard enough dealing with academic stress, then I'm paired with the bully that makes my life a living hell and—"

"Bully?" He repeated with some distaste in his mouth and a saddened look on his face. "Is that what I am to you!?"

"What else would I call someone who's followed me every day for four years and has done nothing but jeer at me with his friends?! It is hard enough wanting to please everyone and excelling at school despite what I tell myself. But then I get some guy harassing me every day like it's his fucking day job. What else would I call him if not a 'bully'?! What, Jeongin, what?!"

The library walls repelled your voices again and let its old age absorb the hateful things you spat at each other. Slowly, the sound waves dissipated and silence consumed the wooden room. As the quiet settled, Jeongin let a beat pass, nothing to be said as he, too, let your words sink in.

"I... I just wanted..." His voice was hard, stern at first. Then, he sighed, cleared his throat and darted his eyes away, tone changing to a nervous and humble one. "I just… I'm sorry, y/n. Please know that, okay? I never meant for it to be like that or to go this far or even in this direction. Please know that."

The library had never seemed so unsettling to you until this moment.

Your mind dissected his words, prodding them and pulling them apart and trying to find if he was being malicious. Strangely enough, his words seemed... genuine. 

Great. This meant two things: 1) that he was genuinely sorry after bullying you for four years, and 2) that, if you wanted to be the bigger person, you had to accept it. Worst of all, your brain came up with the perfect way to accept his apology and also humble yourself, and you really hated how perfect it was and how humiliating it would be. Sometimes, your really fucking hated how your brain worked.

"Innie,” you said softly, “Thank you.” 

Jeongin's eyes went wide, so wide you swore they would pop out. The gasp that followed made you believe that he would consume all the air in the room. 

"Say—say it again!" He stammered out excitedly.

"No," you replied as you cracked a small smile. "Take it as a peace offering. I, the person who spoke so ill of you, am extending an olive branch to you, the man who has wronged me."

"I understand so little of that metaphor but just know that I'm happy," he smiled. You rolled your eyes at his idiocy and smiled.

However, before you could conclude the discussion and finally, finally, finally, return to your book, Jeongin raised his hand in a half heart.

Hand. Jeongin's hand.

"What... what are you doing?" You mumbled out, studying his digits.

Pretty, big hand.

Fuck. Not these thoughts. Not now.

"C'mon, y/n! I'm making a heart for you to finish! As a peace offering or a tree branch or whatever you want to call it! Like this, yeah?" He demonstrated by making the shape with both hands, making a complete heart and showing it to you with a boyish grin.

Big, soft, veiny hands.

"Uh, y-yeah, Jeongin," your hand was shaking as you raised it to his own. Fuck, they were even bigger in comparison to yours. 

Hands. Hold. Touch. Big and veiny and... big...God, what well is big?

That fucking part of your mind needs to shut the fuck up before you lobotomize yourself with a #2 pencil. Luckily Jeongin’s giggles as your hands briefly met to form a heart between the two of you snapped you away from such thoughts.

"Guess we're friends now, huh?" You muttered, trying to distract your perverted inner monologue.

"Aw, y/n!!!" He boyishly cheered. His impish smile was contrasted by his low chuckle. However, your own joy was challenged when Jeongin quickly interlaced your fingers in his.

Oh no. 

My tiny hand in his.

"Wait, your hands are so small!"

So big... so big compared to me... so soft, so warm...

"Y-yeah, I've heard that before."

"They’re so adorable! My hands look so big compared to yours, yeah?" His other hand lightly traced your wrist before grabbing it and forcing you to spread your fingers to compare hand sizes.

So, so big. Could barely wrap my hand around him. Could barely wrap my hand around his—

“Wow you’re right,” you responded nervously. 

You started to feel that strange feeling, the one you only experienced in solitude in the dead of night, not sitting across from a man who may or may not be your bully anymore and is using you like a plaything. God, why did that thought make these feelings even stronger? You crossed your legs and hoped to squash the voice in your head.

"Like woah! I knew my hands were big but this is crazy!"

Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it—

"Do you have anything else that’s big that I should know about?"

...oh fuck.

This library has gone through too many auditory extremes today. You know that this has got to be the loudest goddamn silence you have ever or will ever experience in your life. Both of your eyes were wide, your stare locked in with his as you sat engulfed in shock.

For the first time today, you felt just how hot your face was.

It felt like an eternity was passing within these seconds of horrifying, dreadful awkwardness. You prayed that once you would finally blink that he just be gone. Sadly, he still sat there, face unchanging and unforgiving.

His hands still held your own.

Breaking the silence, he let out the driest of coughs.

"Well, it's—"

"I-I'm sorry," you stuttered out. "I didn't mean to—"

"It's—It's no worries, truly," he stammered over. The silence came again, but less horrendous this time. Or maybe it was worse, you couldn't decide. All you noticed was the fact that his hand still hadn't left yours. 

Jeongin decided to speak again, quieter this time. His eyes were wide, but glancing around frantically, trying to search for the right words. A harsh blush was forming down his ears and hard turned his honeyed skin into a scarlet red. You were strangely comforted knowing that he was just as mortified as you.

"I-It's wrong you know." He hesitated to continue. You, however, were all ears.

"Jeongin," you said slowly, "whatever do you mean?" He sighed, embarrassment consuming him.

"My friends looked it up and... apparently nose length is a more accurate measure.... but... you know..." Though you were fascinated to learn about this new little tidbit of info and that Jeongin actually knew something, you were way too focused on what he wanted to say.

"But what?" you asked in a small voice. His palm was sweating against yours as heat radiated from him.

"Well, just that.. you know... it's not like a rule. There are exceptions. It's just like a theory, yeah?" You nodded, glad to understand what he meant by that. Yet, you swore, that as he finally dropped his hand, exposing your skin to the bitter air of the dusty library, Jeongin uttered a brief  "I should know." Though you wanted to poke and prod, you opted to just nod and turned with him towards the table, staring at the stack of unread books. 

“Anyways…” you said, breaking the silence, “let’s get started.” Still, you couldn't help but sneak quick looks at Jeongin's face, trying to decide whether or not his nose was longer or shorter than average.

This had to be your least productive and positively worst study session ever. 

"What section do I have to read again?" Jeongin asked.

Oh, thank God he said that. You much preferred harassing him about not paying attention than whatever the hell you just experienced.

"I told you," you sighed, flipping open his book and pointing at the contents. "These sections! 2 to 4! Please! Start!"

"But what if I get borreedddddd?" Jeongin groaned. There he was! There’s the annoying Jeongin you know. "I can barely see what you pointed at anyways! Can’t you just help me out?"

"Ohmygod," you muttered, tired but willing to do anything if it meant he shut up and study. "If I were to help you for a bit, do you swear to properly study and leave me alone after?"

"Pinky promise!" He smiled gleefully and stuck out his extended, large pinky finger. After staring blankly at the digit, you linked your smaller pinky around his and slung your head in defeat.

"Okay," you muttered. "Let's begin."

For a bit, this plan worked perfectly. After only 20 minutes, you read through section 2 together and helped point out the more important parts of the text. The 20 minutes were difficult, however. Being this close to him, being able to smell his cologne—which was nice and smelled expensive, contrasting his scruffiness—and brushed shoulders with him was almost too much. Wow. You really were touched starved. Nevertheless, your own lameness was virtually undetectable to you. You were more focused on how well Jeongin retained the information and how neat his words were. You guessed that his utter stupidity was most likely due to his inability to focus, which was still a struggle even as you helped him. Nevertheless, as you began section 3 and were about to return to your own work, you knew that he had already come a long—

"HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN DOING THIS?" Jeongin cried.

Ah. There he is.

"Just a little more, Jeongin, okay? Please, just be bearable. I have my own work to do," you whined, stomping your feet from exhaustion. Even when he was trying to be polite, he still knew how to get on every one of your nerves.

"Can you please just keep helping me? Just this section and then I swear you can get back to your work?" He pouted. Was... was giving you puppy dog eyes?

You sighed. Again, defeated.

"Yeah, sure," you replied, "let's start here—"

"Y/n?" He interrupted. You rolled your eyes.

"Yes?" He let your snark reply hang before smirking.

"Come closer," he nudged playfully with a smile you would almost consider flirtatious if you hadn't been constantly reminded about his disobedient behaviour for the past hour.

"Why?" You asked genuinely.

"You're squinting! You said don't read with your glasses on but it's straining your eyes! Just..." he thought for a moment, glancing around. "Ugh, whatever! Here—"

Unexpectedly, his hands found their way around your body, slinking under your legs and around your back, sliding under your thighs and brushing the exposed skin.

"Jeongin! I can just put my glasses on—" you blabbered out nervously as he continued to lift you.

"Just come here, fuck!" He shot back, finally raising you from your chair and sliding you onto his lap.

"Jeongin!" You yelped.

Normally, anytime someone picked you up made you want to scream. This, however, this made you want to die.

As if by some magical swiftness, you had now found yourself sitting on Jeongin. Well, not on him. Just between his legs. His long legs were spread out, your thick thighs barely fitting onto the chair as he caged you. And he hadn't remembered to tuck your skirt in when you sat down, so now it splayed open. It had ridden up, exposing everything but your white cotton panties, and was surely flipped onto Jeongin's pants at the back. You just prayed he couldn't see anything. However, he probably couldn't considering how close he was. Worst of all, he kept you close by resting his hands on your hips, making sure you sat still. The pads of his long fingers held your tummy softly, dipping into the fat as his thumbs rubbed slowly up your lower back.

You swore you had never felt so warm in your life. As you broke out in a sweat, you feared that his wolfishly big hands were paired with a keen sense of smell.

"There!" He giggled, resting his chin on your shoulder and leaning his head against yours, studying the book with intentness that starkly contrasted the intimacy of how he held you. "Now you can see well!"

You opened and closed your mouth a few times trying to find something to say. Though his completely nonchalant demeanour was to be expected, you were still shocked but the literal position you were in. Not to mention the way his thumbs slowly drew circles on you while his hands shifted to hold your stomach. Your stomach for godsakes. How does he know exactly where to hold you to make you feel so secure and so goddamn embarrassed at the same time?! You pressed your thighs tightly together, trying to smother the weird feeling building between them that you tried so desperately to avoid. While you squished them your legs, your thighs were simultaneously crushed on either side by Jeongin's own, which were incredibly muscular: a feature you had never noticed until you were stuck between them.

"How..." you asked, "How did you do that? Aren't I heavy?"

"Am I complaining?" He asked back, a smirk in his voice. He wrapped his arms around your waist now, tugging you closer and pressing his chest fully into your back. "If you were ‘too heavy’, you wouldn't be sitting here right now, hm?”

"I-I suppose..." You start, not knowing what to say next.

"Now," he sighed with an air of exaggerated contentment, "if you want to finish this project sOooOOoo bad, then help me study!" God, how could he have you in the palm of his hand— literally— and still manage to pester you?!

"O-okay," you stuttered unsurely. "Well, let's start here and—"

"Mhm," Jeongin hummed, still massaging your fupa lightly and pressing his chest firmly against your back. You tried to burn a hole into the bookk—a feeble attempt at trying to distract yourself.

"A-as you can see," you coughed, "this section is more about analyzing the um..."—one of his hands started to rub lower—"the events t-talked about in the previous section a-and"—the other starts moving up, ghosting over your chest and playing with the top button of your shirt, leaving your tie untouched despite how you desperately wanted to loosen it—"t-trying to c-contextualize the previous section and… p-provide some background and… umm…."

"Gosh, y/n," Jeongin chuckled as his fingers rubbed the column of buttons, "I thought you were such a good student, but you seem so distracted. It's funny really."

Maybe he’s just distracted, you tell yourself, trying to reason what in the hell was going on. After all, he can barely sit still in class and often toyed with loose hems or drew on the margins of his papers. Therefore, it was perfectly reasonable to assume that he was just doing the same now: toying with your uniform as a means of distraction. He always played with you anyways, so it was safe to assume that it was some attention deficit that caused him to trifle with you. That's all it was. Or, at least, you prayed that would be the truth. As his hand fiddled with your skirt’s hemline and the other began loosening your tie, you were just hoping that this was all some absent-minded game for him. If that were the truth, then hopefully this dreadful pressure from between your thighs would disappear. It was building with every second and your panties were now so tight, so straggling, and so wet, latching onto your folds and aiding in your growing shyness.

"J-Jeongin," you began, "c-can you—"

"Innie, please, y/n," he teased in a low voice against your ear. "To you, it's Innie." Though you wanted to scream at him for uttering that petname again, you decided to push your pride aside. You needed him to stop, and you needed to utilize every tool in your arsenal to do so.

"I-innie," you stuttered out, shivering from the warmth that lingered on your ear from his breathy voice. "Can you please stop... you know... t-touching me?"

Again, Jeongin laughed. But, this time, it was drier, with less playfulness behind it and less mercy.

"Aw, y/n," he whispered into your ear, causing you to squirm a little, "I thought we were just having fun. Are you really getting all worked up over a few little touches? I thought you would like it more, you know, considering it's my big hands doing it." His last words were strongly enunciated by his hand tugging on your tie to gain access to your collar buttons. He started to play with them as you huffed, undoing them teasingly.

You were fuming at his words, knowing that: 1) he was just doing this because—at his core—Jeongin was just a fucking asshole, and 2) he was, sadly, correct. Still, you were determined to not let him know that he was right. Knowing him in the way you do, you couldn't let him take this victory

"I-is that really what this is about? Are you really hanging on to that! I had a lapse of judgment f-for one second and—" another button was undone and he began working on the next. After this next button, your bra chest would be exposed. It was only covered by an ill-fitting bra and you silently cursed your frugal self for not investing in better undergarments. Still, you continued. You had to. "I-I just fucking hate that you'd bring it up again! You just love to make fun of me d-don't you?! God, Jeongin, it is so typical of you to t-tease me like this and—Ah!" 

The sound of clattering buttons across mahogany and the sudden exposure to air frightened you. Jeongin, however, didn't seem to mind.

"I told you," he stated in a voice you had never heard him use before. "It's 'Innie'. Yes?"

Clearly, he had gotten sick and tired of you talking. He just wanted you to finally be quiet, much like how you wanted him to do the same. To accomplish this, his hands found the opening of your shirt and ripped the fabric open, scattering the last of your buttons, ruffling your shirt, and exposing your chest to him. In exposing you, Jeongin gained the upper hand. It was obvious that all pride, all power you had disappeared. However, his action had also done something else: the sensation you tried so desperately to conceal was making you hopelessly needy. You unconsciously began to twist your hips, rubbing your thighs together in hopes of eliminating the feeling.

The book in front of you was long forgotten.

"Yes..." you replied back in a small voice. "Yes, Innie. S-sorry." You could almost feel Jeongin smile behind you, but, if you truly could, you didn't notice due to his hands returning to their place on your collarbone and stomach. His fingers now languidly traced your clavicle while the other massaged your tummy, fingertips slowly digging into your skirt and pulling out the parts of your shirt that were still tucked in. 

"What a good baby," he chuckled, paying no mind to the nickname, though it made you redder than blood. "So fucking horny and no way to ask it. Such a fucking pervert. I bet you wanted this, didn’t you? You're even rutting back into me. Trying to get me worked up, hm?"

"No," you gasped with deep embarrassment, "never!"

"Tut tut, y/n," he tsked. "I know you're up to something."

"If anyone is up to something, it's you!" You protested. Your exclamations only made Jeongin laugh.

"Now, now," he giggled, "you wouldn't want anyone—say, a janitor or a lingering teacher—to hear us and come in? Wouldn't it be bad to see their star pupil being fondled by the school delinquent? Wouldn’t it be bad for them to notice that you liked it?"

Fuck. He knew how to shut you up. You turned your head to catch his gaze, shame and that peculiar feeling spreading all over your body into a delightful mix that only exacerbated your guilt. He knew he had you.

"That's what I thought," he laughed. "Now—"

Quickly, his hands moved toward your chest, dragged your bra down, and began to pinch your nipples, massaging your breasts and causing you to moan. Your hips increased their shallow rolls in an attempt to alleviate the pain. As you did, you felt what you could only suspect to be Jeongin's growing erection pressing into your ass. He definitely hiked up your skirt sometime before and was enjoying the sight of his clothed cock rubbing against your panty-clad behind.

"Innie! W-what are you—?"

"Oh, baby," he laughed and he rolled your buds between his fingers, making you whimper, "You say I'm distracting you from studying, but now your acting like such a little slut from only a few touches. You're so sensitive. I swear, you could be a virgin, hm?"

You dared not respond, only offering him a shy look as he continued to rub your chest.

"Oh," he giggled, "oh, of course you are. My sweet little goody-two-shoes hasn't had anyone touch her pussy yet, hm? My little virgin baby, yeah?"

"P-pussy?" you repeated, knowing that the word was dirty from the way it left a delictable taste in your mouth.

Jeongin mused, "My my, you are inexperienced." He let out a laugh that brought tears to your eyes, though it wouldn't be the first time he had made you cry. You were so frustrated and felt so strange and your panties were so wet and surely see-through and fuck! While your mind raged. Jeongin let one of his hands slip down your body and down your stomach, moving his other hand to grope the tit it had abandoned.

"Your pussy," Jeongin continued, ignoring your squirms and internal war, "is this right here."

Everything clicked as his fingers rubbed the damp white cotton into your pussy, rubbing up and down your folds with his middle and ring finger, slowly stopping to rub your clit and make your head spin. You glanced down, noticing how large his digits were and wondered how much he could stuff inside of you.

"Such an innocent fuck toy, never been used," he rambled, tongue licking the conch of your ear and making you whimper.

"J-Jeongin—I mean, Innie," you corrected. You could tell he was pleased by the way he hummed into your ears while he nibbled on the lobe, an action that should not make you want to moan as much as it should. "P-please stop touching me, it isn't appropriate.”

"But I thought I was helping you study, y/n," he pouted in a pouty tone, fingers never ceasing their motions. "Isn't this keeping me distracted? Isn't this helping you study? I need something to fiddle with, and you’re the perfect fucking stress toy for me." A particularly harsh rub into your panties and a tight grasp on your chest made you yelp. "Aren't you liking this, y/n? Liking me touching your soaking cunt? Fuck, you even soaked through your panties, how pathetic. " He spoke humorously through gritted teeth. He returned to slowly groping you, kissing down your neck loudly and rubbing his erection into your backside. You felt like you were going to explode. 

"You are, aren’t you?" he panted as he rocked back and forth into you, drooling down your neck. "I thought you were a better student than this. I thought you were such a good girl who was put off by teasing. What did you call me again? A bully?" He said the word with joking vehemence; teasingly but backed by a viciousness that made you crumble. "Would a bully do nothing but defend you for four years? Would a bully beat up any fucking nerd who insulted your intelligence? Would a bully praise you and call you pretty only to be given the cold shoulder just ‘cause you didn’t believe it? Fuck, I wonder what the school board would think if they saw you like this, being fondled by a fucking bully." His words turned to mush in your head, your brain frenzying at his confession and his touches. 

"Jeongin, please, I didn’t know! P-please, I just thought you didn’t l-like me, Jeongin. I thought you were m-mean and—ah!"

Your pleas were cut short as Jeongin stood up and shoved you forward, bending you over the table as his chair loudly scraped. He ripped—literally, ripped off your shirt at the seams, the sound filling the room along with your cries, with your bra being pulled off next. You were left in nothing but your shirt and tie: Jeongin wanted you to be at least a little dressed up for him when he claimed you. He grabbed your hair by the root and pulled your head up, making you release a sound that was a mixture of a cry and moan. The pain was unbearable, but the suffering mostly came from the absence of Jeongin's hands on you. At this point, you had realized that this feeling was some disgusting, perverted form of horniness directed at a man you hated. It made you feel dirty and desperate. But, most importantly, it made you feel in dire need of relief.

"I told you, y/n," Jeongin growled in that angry voice which didn't suit your impression of him, "that isn't my name." He released your hair and let your head fall to the table.

"I'm—I'm sorry," you begged as he moved the discarded books out from under you and threw them off the table. "P-please don't do anything mean!"

Funny. It was really funny to see you beg for him. It made him chuckle dryly before he hung himself over your back, once again pressing his chest into you—which you could feel was bare, meaning he must’ve removed it in the midst of things, leaving him in only his sweats.

"Oh, my innocent little baby," Jeongin panted into your ear, "you will be sorry." Jeongin's playful and perverted voice was matched by his hands slowly tugging down your panties, an action that caused you to chant a mantra of "no's" as your pussy was exposed to the cold air. Eventually, he had gotten impatient and tore the fabric up, an act that made tears fall from your eyes.

"Aw, don't worry, y/n," Jeongin humoured after seeing your lip tremble when he returned on top of you, caging you in and rubbing his clothed cock into your exposed cunt. "I'll take such good care of you after you learn a little lesson, yeah? Don't you just love to learn knew things, you fucking inexperienced little know-it-all?" You squirmed under him, begging for more and praying that he would give it to you. Yet, it seemed that patience offered itself to Jeongin when it pleased, and now he seemed to have all the time in the world.

Slowly, he rose his body from yours and rested his hands on your ass, rubbing the flimsy skirt and toying with your fat.

"Such a dumb fucking little virgin," he groaned as he let your pussy dampen the front of his sweats, pressing his throbbing dick into your needy cunt and making you whine. "Needs to learn a lesson."

Swiftly, his hand pulled away and slapped your ass.

"Innie!" You cried from the feeling, tears continuing to fall as his hand reached up and spanked you again, filling the library with lewd sounds to accompany your moans and his grunts.

"Say my fucking name again," he whispered with venom as he continued to spank you, enjoying how your ass reddened with each hit.

"Innie, Innie! Please stop!" You sobbed, making him laugh.

"Just—a few—more," he stated, marking every few words with a repeated spank. His other hand toyed with your ass, enjoying the softness and how your untouched flesh contrasted the growing blush on the other cheek.

"Y-yes—fuck! Yes, Innie!" You whimpered.

"God, such a fast learner," he grunted, continuing. "Aren't I helping you study, now? What if I helped you study every day, yeah? Licked your little cunt every time you got an answer right and then spanked you when you get one wrong? Maybe that'll help with your studying. Do you want a study buddy, y/n? Hm? Do you?"

"Yes, fuck I do!" You sniffled in defeat. "Only Innie, only Innie can teach me. Please!"

Finally, after a loud and particularly harsh spank from Jeongin accompanied by a satisfied grunt, he decided that your study session was over. He settled his large hand on your ass and rubbed the scarlet skin to try and coax you back down. Your back rose and fell while your knees buckled from the torture he had just put you through. You let out a sharp hiss and every time Jeongin's hand lovingly fondled the abused flesh. Jeongin, however, was beyond elated and relished your pain. In another demonstration of his strength, he flipped your body over like a ragdoll and pushed you onto the table so your legs hung over the edge. He then slotted himself between his legs and greeted your puffy face with a broad grin.

"Such a good little student for Innie," he teased. Pushing into you further, he let his cock press against your soaking cunt and further drench his sweatpants in your juices. The warmth of your bares chests pressing together made you smile while the squish of your breasts made Jeongin rejoice in being able to indulge in the plumpness of your body. He placed a layer of kisses from your forehead down your face, licking away your tears and shushing your sniffles.

"Did I do good?" You sniffled. Jeongin held his body over yours, blocking the light above with his broad, bare shoulders. He looked down at you with a mixture of emotions behind his eyes which were hard to discern, but were surely good-natured, regardless of his previous actions.

"Of course, y/n," he hummed, "so good." He let his hands roam up and down your bare thighs to reassure you, coaxing a smile out of you.

"Really?" You asked with a lightness you didn't expect as you reached up to cradle his face

"Absolutely," he chuckled while only moving to lay his hand over yours. He leaned down again and resumed his trail of kisses down your neck towards your chest. Your hands helped pull him down to you. You played with his thick locks before trailing your fingers down his back muscles. 

"Such—a—smart—and—pretty—girl,” Jeongin cooed between every kiss to your chest. Each kiss between his words only increased your sense of pride and the neediness between your legs. The feelings only worsened when Jeongin finally attached his mouth to your nipple while he groped the other, suckling on you with a ferocity you didn't expect.

"F-fuck," you mewled as spit trickled down your chest.

"Are you ready to continue our lesson?" Jeongin asked while moving to suck on your other breast. 

"Yes, Innie" you purred as you arched your back to meet his mouth. “Always ready for you.”

He chuckled and continued to satisfy you a bit longer, caught up in your moans and almost forgetting the pain of his erection as it desperately kneaded your cunt. Despite your small protests, he finally pulled himself away. Smiling at your pouty expression, he sauntered backward and stared at your limp body before speaking. 

"Stand up."

It was embarrassing how fast you rose to the ground. You were only focused on following his orders, obeying him, needing more and fearing that you would get nothing if you were disobedient. You barely even noticed how naked you were until you felt the cool air meet your spit-covered tits. Yet, when you moved to cover yourself, you stopped when Jeongin gave a look that said “I am not afraid to bend you over my lap and spank you again.” He smiled when you let your arms drop to your sides.

"She's such a good girl," he muttered aloud, reaching out to pull you forward by your tie. Your eyes were only on him and his sweat-covered chest and dishevelled hair and raw lips that kissed your body so perfectly.

He let his thumb slide up your jaw as he tugged you to him, hand sliding up your cheek and holding your face before tilting your head up. Then, as if the punishment didn’t happen, as if this annoying study session didn’t happen, as if these past four years were just a fever dream that you had finally awakened from, he leaned down and captured your lips in his. He kissed you—truly kissed you—for the first time, but, surely, hopefully not the last time.

When he finally broke away, he studied your soft eyes and offered a small kiss to your forehead, as if he were sealing you as his and promising that "Yes, I am sorry for the way things were. I'm sorry that what began as meaningless teasing just for fun turned into a fucked up crush. I am sorry that I haven't told you until now. I'm sorry that I'm such a fucking perverted loser that I couldn't just tell the beautiful girl that I had a crush on for four years that I liked her. I'm sorry that it took four years just to kiss you. I’m sorry I kissed you under such circumstances. Just know that I want you. I want you, so deeply and so passionately, so please just drop to your knees and fucking suck my cock and let me kiss you and fuck you and hold you and let me be yours and you mine." Instead of speaking the words he wished, he simply changed his stare and licked his lips, catching the lingering taste of you on them.

"Wanna learn something new?" He asked rhetorically, thumb gliding on your lower lip. You didn't even respond to him. Not a nod or a hum. You simply just allowed your mouth to open and have his thumb slip in, immediately rubbing the digit with your tongue and soaking it in spit. You didn’t want to respond or even acknowledge the act, not when you waited four goddamn years to suck his fingers. 

"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" Jeongin mused. "I think you can assume what I want you to do." In response, you just gave your head a slight shake, still warming his thumb with your tongue.

"Really?" He asked in a mocking voice that made you wildly embarrassed and red. "You really are just a dumb little toy waiting to be used. Such an eager baby that wants to learn, yeah?" This time, you gave him a slight nod. Your hand traced his abs and stroked each line, unsure of what to do but unable to remain still.

"Okay then. Guess I’ll have to give my baby step-by-step instructions, yeah?" he sighed. "Get on your knees."

Needless to say, you were shocked by the request. Though you were glass-eyed at this moment and almost choking on just the length of his thumb alone, you still had a working mind; one that was not distracted by Jeongin's eagerness pressing into your lower abdomen or how he looked at you or how much he wanted you or how fucking good his chest felt or how he shivered when your hand traced over his nipples. Despite all of this, you still had a conscience, and it told you to leave. It told you that this was an embarrassing turn of events that could only end badly and that you should run away, leaving him with his cock still hard and unsatisfied, then report him to the principal for bullying or public indecency or something! You knew that you should go.

Instead, you simply sank to your knees. You still suckled on Jeongin's thumb while he shakily exhaled a chorus of "you're such a good girl, such a good student, so smart, so sweet, so soft". Your hands trickled down his abs before rubbing the soft fabric of his sweatpants that you wanted so desperately to be removed. They hung off him proudly and lowly, kept up only by a measly tied knot and displaying his adonis belt that drew your eye line downwards. When you finally settled on your knees, your fingers and eyes traced down these lines and fiddled with the top of his sweatpants. Your fingers then traced lower until your hand palmed his heavy erection, unsure of what to do as you massaged the length. He was so stiff and long and big and—

Oh. He was big. Even in your inexperience, you knew it. It must have been a good few inches above average. You gulped at his size, in awe of his length that he was done so well to hide. 

"Remember what you said earlier?" He asked, removing his thumb from your pop mouth so he could cup your jaw. He tried to tilt your head up, but it was too difficult with your eyes fixated on the heavy, large bulge that protruded from his pants.

"C'mon baby, remember what you said? Use your big girl memory and tell me," he cooed. Your hands rubbed up and down his thighs while your hips rutted against nothing, the pressure between them building exponentially due to neglect. He tilted your head again, meeting your big doe eyes and forcing your focus away from his strained hard-on.

"Innie," you choked out, fingers teasing the hem of his pants. "Hands... so big... so you must be..." He let you trail off and allowed your faze to return to his pants as they transfixed on the prominent outline of his cock and the stain on the fabric right at his tip.

"That stupid fucking theory about noses being indicators of size," he continued with a smile on his face, "is just that: a stupid fucking theory."

As if answering your prayers, he used his spare hand to slip the knot off. Then, with a small tug, he slowly lowered his pants enough, just enough to let his cock slip out. In turn, you were blessed with the picture-perfect image of his cock.

"Don't I prove that what you say about big hands is true, y/n?"

You just gave him a dumb nod, too needy to formulate proper words. However, he didn't need you to speak: he knew he was correct.

You always had a thing for his hands, but they were nothing compared to his cock. But together, when his large hands held his immaculately big, veiny, pulsing dick made your mouth water and dribble fall down your lips. His tip was red and leaking precum, begging to be touched or fucked or given some goddamn attention. He offered himself a few pumps, hissing as his heavy erection dripped fluids that you tried to catch desperately on your tongue. It wasn't enough. You needed more.

"Innie," you mewled, catching his attention. 

"Y/n," he gasped as he stared down at your teary-eyed expression that was so cute and obviously needed to be rewarded.

"Please," you mumbled with embarrassment, "teach me." Your hand then went overtop of his and tightened around it, subsequently tightening the grip on his dick and making him moan a little louder than what he was comfortable with.

"Y/n, f-fuck," he whimpered as he pinched his eyes. With your eyes still transfixed on his hot tip, you pulled his hand off his cock and allowed both of your hands to hold him, heat radiating off of his length and precum coating your hands until they were glossy. You pumped it slowly, just as he did, mimicking the motion and unknowingly teasing him more than he would like.

"B-baby, please just suck it," he panted. You glanced up at him again and felt the drool pooling out of your mouth and collecting on your tongue. Then, with great hesitation, you pressed your tongue against him and licked up his slit, causing Jeongin to release a shaky grown that was soaked in pleasure.

"J-just like that—fuck!"

Your hands kept a steady pace while stuck your tongue out, giving him persistent and repeated licks. Each time you re-coated his cockhead in slobber and coaxed more profanities out of him. Still, you maintained a steady pace and dared not to increase your speed. You wanted to hear him beg and cry and whine like this forever.

"Fuck, y/n, take more of it in your mouth," he begged as his hands rested on your head and tangled in your hair. Yet, due to your dumb state and how good he sounded, you struggled to obey him

"Oh, right," he panted out, "you need to be shown how to do everything. My baby is just a little dumb student who needs to be taught. She needs to learn how to suck Innie’s cock like a good girl, right Y/n?" You simply hummed in response, continuing to pump and milk him. Jeognin’s hand found stability on the back of your head and balled your hair once again. The pull made you moan and the strain burned just as delectable as it did before.

"Now, open your mouth wide," he chuckled. You obeyed him like the dumb fucking slut you were and allowed your jaw to go slack, still rubbing your tongue on the underside of his tip and making him swallow back a moan.

"Good," he praised in a strained voice. "Now, take it." Suddenly, he pushed your head forward and forced your mouth to take his cock, gagging on his girth and soaking him in warmth. The intrusion made you hum loudly and for you to tighten your grip on his pulsing length Jeongin, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to your teary-eyed gags and continued to shove himself into you, inch by inch.

"G-good job," he whimpered in a low voice that he hoped he couldn't hear, "so warm." Though you could barely breathe and your mind was shocked by the act, you still felt yourself dripping onto the hardwood floor below you. Despite your confusion, your tongue and hands seemed to know what to do. As you gagged on him, the wet muscle rubbed up and down on any part of his cock it could reach while your hands pumped what your throat couldn't take.

"J-just like that," Jeongin hummed. He pulled your head back then and allowed you to take a deep breath in before pushing you down again. Shallow thrusts allowed him to push deeper into you and fluids to leak from your mouth onto the floor below you. Lewd, wet sound accompanied your gags, making Jeongin beyond elated.

"Y-You're the best student, y/n," he hoarsely whispered. "So smart and you've learned to let me fuck your mouth so easily. Such a fast learner, such a g-good, good girl for her Innie, yeah?" You could do little but hum along.

"Aw, does my baby want to breathe?" He asks through pants, to which you replied with an eager hum. He pulled you off his cock and you immediately gasped for air, hands leaving him to wipe the drool off your face and dry your tears.

"Better?" He asked, a mixture of sincerity and domineering sadism coating his voice.

"Y-yes, Innie," you responded feebly. He smiled at your answer.

"Good." He then changed his expression to a stern look and released your hair, letting you settle on your knees and take a few deep breaths.

"Next step," he began as he lifted his cock up and harshly grabbed your wrist to hold it up yourself. After placing the heavy cock in your hand, Jeongin then grabbed the other hand and forced you to cup his balls, unchanging in his expression or demeanour. He stared into you and you stared into him. He tutted and cooed at your expression which eagerly awaited instruction, begging to know what to do.

"Suck them. Now."

The order was processed in your head and left you spinning. Yet, you immediately obliged. After all, you didn't want to disappoint Jeongin. He thought you were a fast learner and he wanted to train his stupid slut as best he could. If you wanted him to be proud of you, then you had to prove him right. As such, your tongue left quick kitten licks his balls and the underside of his cock. Jeongin, through whines and moans, began to pet your head and encouraged you, s if he was begging instead of trying to dominate you.

"N-now," he stuttered out, "Pump me, fuck my cock with your hand, y/n." Your hand picked up a fast pace that glided over his slick cock and only deepened the desperation in Jeongin's voice.

"Shit.” He gaped at how well you did it, how well you obeyed him. You even began to take control, going back to suck his tip while your hands fondled the parts your mouth couldn't satisfy.

"M-missed the taste of my cock yeah? Missed how my pre-cum tasted on your tongue?" He rambled as you pumped him eagerly and sucked harshly. Sweat dripped down his forehead and a blush spread down his chest from you. He couldn't help but speak when he got like this: he praised everything you did and began to tell you everything he wished to say.

"Oh, y/n, I w-wished you knew why I teased you," he confessed through pants, "I wished you realized how much I like to annoy you, to get your attention, to tease you—mmh, fuck! All my friends know why I do it... every day they ask why I don't just go up to you and tell you why. But I could never seem to." Your mouth parted from his tip, your hand quickly replacing it, so you could properly look at the man who towered over you.

"Why... why didn't you do it, Innie?" you asked, voice still hoarse from when he made you take his cock. 

"Because," he gasped out as he tried to steady himself. "Because... I like to tease you, to make you notice me. I just w-want you to notice me, you sweet thing, and take care of me like you are now. And you know what? I think that—f-fuck—I think you like it when I tease you, too." He was not wrong, and the ruined floor with the clothes and books on it was evidence. But, you also knew that he was right because here you were, sucking his cock and balls and choking on it with the greatest pleasure. You wanted him just as much as he wanted you. You wanted him to do things to you that you were too embarrassed to think about even in solitude. 

You impatiently returned to his length, each lap of your tongue and stroke of your hand making his moans louder.

"Y/n," he groaned. "Y/n, y/n, y/n—" His voice got quicker as your motions increased in speed and determination. "Fuck d-don't stop, such a good girl! Perfect fucking mouth for me, perfect, so smart, such a tease—god!"

Suddenly, his hand pushed your head and his cock was shoved down your throat, mouth hugging him as his hips made shallow thrusts into you and gags erupted from your stuffed throat.

"Y/n, y/n, baby, y/n, swallow, swallow, please—" his chants were high pitched as he continued to rutt into your mouth, "—so tight so warm, I— I—I can't—hmph!" Jeongin pressed himself into you as far as he could while his hips twitched, causing you to choke but not dare pull away, not now, not when you were doing such a good job. Your mouth—reddened and swore from Jeogin's abuse—now leaked his cum that couldn't be swallowed.

"That—that, I—" Jeongin stammered unintelligibly. Ever the gentleman, Jeongin pulled you off his cock and watched the remaining liquid gush from your mouth. The cum trickled onto your tits and worn tie, making you squirm and for Jeongin to take a shaky breath.

"So, so precious," he muttered through exhausted pants. You stared up at him, coughing from the misuse of your throat and the need for air. Still, you felt strange: needy, unsatisfied, like you needed the same release Jeongin did.

"Innie, I need—"

"Please, rest, baby," he cooed, stroking your hair absent-mindedly as his still-hard cock pathetically dribbled out cum. You licked your lips at the sight: the taste of his juices still lingered on your mouth.

"No, no, I..." You pawed at his hands and gripped his wrists lightly. The act took him out of his trance and look down at you. You were sleeked in sweat and cum, your thighs were pressed together tightly and coated in slick. You bounced with impatience, wanting more and more and not knowing how to ask for it. However, Jeongin may be stupid and a jerk, but even he slowly pieced together what you wanted.

"Y/n, you—"

"Innie," you urged as you started to pull him down towards you. As you pulled him lower, you laid on your back, bringing him down with you. "Innie, please."

"Y/n, you should rest—" Jeongin tried to argue while he sank to his knees and placed his palm on the floor to steady himself.

"No." When he tried to argue again, you placed your mouth on his and pulled him fully on top of you on the library floor. When your lips finally parted, Jeongin stared at you with hopeful eyes.

"Please," you sobbed. You grasped one of his hands and slowly guided it down between your bodies, rutting against it as soon as it was close enough to your cunt. "Innie, please make it go away."

Jeongin smiled. Who was he to say no to you?

His hand immediately found your clit and began rubbing tight circles on it, making you writhe and whimper.

"F-Fuck, it feels so good," you mewled.  Your pussy was gushing from the contact and it only became wetter when Jeongin licked his cum off of your chest. Bite marks and bruised skin were left behind in their stead, eager lips nipping at untouched skin. Though you hated being marked up and worried that it would show, you couldn't protest. Not when it felt this good, not when he was doing it.

Jeongin relished touching you, as well. He rubbed his cock onto your thigh while whimpering into each kiss. It was as if kissing you brought him to life, as if all of those years of teasing and picking on you had been worth it because he could fucking finally express his passion for you in a way that satisfied you both. Ever since he first saw you in the tight, ill-fitting uniform, he knew he wanted to be yours. Soon that feeling developed into the perverted dire need to bend you over the nearest surface and fuck you from behind. Now, as he was kissing down your chest, and fingered your perfect, tight hole, he knew he was so close to what he wanted.

"Fuck, I," he gasped out between kisses, "I can't." Unexpectedly, he sat up and fully slotted himself between your legs. Before you could protest, however, you found your knees pressed to your chest, your skirt bunched around your waist, and Jeongin was rubbing his cock through your folds.

"Jeongin!" You yelped.

"J-just the tip," he whined. "Innie is gonna put just the tip in and then he is gonna take such good care of you. He just needs the tip, just a little bit, just needs to feel his precious little baby, just needs the tip just—hmph! Fuck! Y/n, baby, t-take it."

Even if it was just his tip, you knew you were too tight for him. Just his cockhead alone was stretching you out. But, the pain, just like how he pulled your hair or spanked your ass or choked you, was amazing. Though you protested, it was all just for show: to rile him up or to maintain some semblance of propriety. Truly, you never wanted him to stop.

"I-Innie! It's too big! I can't— I can't it's too big— fuck!" You stammered as continued to push himself into you, filling you with more than he had promised. Your voice made him whine and push his face into the nape of your neck. Immediately, he began to nip and kiss your neck in a feeble attempt to control himself. Yet, as he plugged you, he knew that he couldn't resist. You just felt too good, too sweet, too soft, too warm, too wet, and too perfect to just put his tip in. With every shaky breath, he tried to control himself, but he just couldn't. After only a few seconds, he began to stuff you full.

"Innie! What are you—"

"It's j-just the tip, just a little more." His muffled stutters vibrated against your skin, "I just n-need you, just need my g-good little baby to fuck this cock and be good for Innie and take what I give her. Let me fuck your perfect cunt and fill your pussy with my cum. You'd like that, to be filled with my c-cum?" Jeongin was almost fully inside of you and viciously rubbed your clit with every centimetre. You had never felt so full in your life.

"C-cum, Innie's cum?" You repeated naively.

"Yeah, just my cum. Only mine, only Innie's. You're m-mine, just mine only I get to fill this with my cum. Yeah?" He rose and looked down at you, lips ghosting over yours. As he stared down at you, it was hard to pinpoint what he felt. Sure, there was the deliciousness of corrupting your naivety, being the first one to fuck your cunt, and how every inch that entered you made you moan louder and with more desperation. However, at that moment, as he glanced down into your eyes which were always so sweet, he was overcome by the dire need to protect you. He wanted nothing more than to love you and have you as his, more than he'd ever wanted before. His cock eased into you, your breasts were covered in his slobber, you had swallowed his cum, his dick was twitching from overstimulation, and all he could think of was how lovely you looked.

"Yes," you sniffled, "only for you, Jeongin, my Innie."

"Oh, y/n," he panted. His lips captured yours and kissed them softly, contrasting the quick friction against your clit and the stretch of your cunt accommodating his cock.

Then he pushed himself into you, impatience getting the best of him.

"Fuck!" You both whined at the same time: Jeongin from the feeling of your tight cunt hugging him so well, and you from how you were filled to the brim with him. His hands moved to your inner thighs, spreading them to allow himself to rest between them and hug his waist. He eagerly gripped the soft flesh to try and control himself. Softly, his thumbs rubbed your skin and he let out strained moans. Your eyes were pinched shut and, with your legs free, you wrapped them around his torso and pulled him into you. As you did, he pushed a little deeper, only a little, but you rejoiced in the sensation. You feared that if pulled out of you, you would crumble. It was all too much too soon, too fast and too good to let it end too quickly. Clawing at his back with tears streaming down your cheeks, each breath brought you closer to him.

"It's too much... Innie I-I can't I—"

"Please, please, y/n." The desperation in his voice made your eyes open and stare at him. His face had reburied in your chest and it took everything in him to look up at you. As soon as you saw the look on his face, you knew that it was too much for him too.

"Let me make you f-feel good," he panted as he pressed his forehead into yours, "j-just a little, just take it, p-please." He didn't wait for your response as he pulled out a little, clamping his eyes shut from the feeling of dragging his cock out of you and hissing to refrain from immediately pounding back into you.

"Shit, it f-feels so good," you sniffled as he eased back in.

"Yeah? I told you. S-such a d-dumb baby, so dumb for my cock." His voice made you whine and your hands go up to knot themselves in his hair, pulling it slowly as his hips found a peaceful rhythm that contradicted the merciless lust it made you feel.

"So dumb," you mindlessly repeated, "such a s-stupid fucking baby for Innie." Your words hitched as he made a particularly harsh thrust into you. 

"Innie,” you asked in a small voice, “d-do you like it when I say that?"

Jeongin panted, trying to control himself, "Y/n, I—"

"You like to know I'm dumb, yeah? My stupid little pussy n-not know how to handle your big, veiny fucking c-cock?"

"Fuck, please, don't edge me," he strained through gritted teeth and with fingers dinging harshly into your thighs.

"T-teach me, teach me to how to fuck your cock." 

He didn't intend to pick up the pace as quickly as he did. Nor did he mean to make his thrusts so harsh with such a lack of control that you moaned with each push and pull of his heavy dick. But, when it came to you, he couldn't control himself.

"I'm—gonna—fill—you—with—my—cum," he growled as he pistoned into you. His hands moved to your outer thighs, occasionally spanking them and enjoying each jiggle of fat with every thrust into you.

"Fuck, slow—please s-slow down," you sobbed as your tits dragged across his chest, your overly sensitive nipples. Jeongin, however, just chuckled, his laughs dying out quickly as they were replaced by quick breaths. His eyes became dark again and his grip on you tightened, sweat mixing with your own as precum made a white ring around his cock.

"Just know that it's gonna spill out of you, that I'm g-gonna fill you up every day and keep you stuffed with it," he whimpered as his hips rolled faster, making his eyes pinch shut. "So warm inside of you, leaking out and just waiting for me to stuff it all back in and cum again and again and again and again."

"Innie, it's too much, " you responded dumbly. Jeongin didn't care. He just loved to hear his petname come out in little whimpers. His eyes opened again slowly, taking you in. Fuck, you looked so cute and fucked out, so close yet still begging for more.

"What's my name? Say it," he demanded with a stern glare.

"I-Innie..."

"Say it again—fuck, say it again, baby," he gasped.

"Innie!" You responded on command, like a dog being asked to bark.

"F-fuck, please, y/n, one more time just once more please!" He panted as his cock dragged and drove into you at an unforgiven pace.

"Innie, Innie fuck me, please baby, Innie, fuck!" You whimpered

"Fuck, it makes you blush. Getting all embarrassed and flustered... I make you blush, huh? My pretty baby, my innocent y/n, so cute—shit!" Jeongin's voice suddenly caught in his throat as he felt you tighten around him. While his veiny cock pulsed with each thrust, your warm cunt throbbed as you felt that strange feeling build and build inside of you. One of his hands moved back to your neglected clit and started to circle it quickly, making you pant like the needy bitch you were.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck—ah! Y/n, baby, s-stop clenching or I'll—I'll—"

"Innie," you sniffled softly, your voice soaked in desperation. "P-please, make me cum. P-please, for me? Please!" You couldn't believe the words that left your mouth. Neither did Jeongin.

"Y/n, I'm—fuck—I'm gonna—" his thrusts became sloppy and your jaw went slack as you felt lust building to an inordinate degree.

"I'm gonna— Innie— fuck!"

"Y/n, my baby, my sweet b-baby I— cum, cum!"

"Innie!"

Your cunt began to pulsate and your back arched. The feeling was unimaginable, like nothing you could ever describe. It came over you quickly and suddenly, in a tremendous wave that you wish would last forever. Jeongin, in a brief moment of clarity, pulled out of you and rubbed his soaking cock quickly, letting out occasional and short grunts as he fucked his hand. Then, his hips stilled and cum began to spill out of his tip, coating your stomach and cunt in his cum. Yet, you hardly noticed: you were too-fucked out to care.

Riding your orgasm, you sank to the floor and Jeongin collapsed on top of you. Both of you took deep breaths and he dropped his head against yours, eyes shut in ecstasy. His hands lazily dragged up your body before resting on your face. He pet the sides of your jaw and drew your eyes open to meet his. Seeing your eyes was like seeing a home dock in a storm. He pressed his lips into yours and stole your breath away again.

The kiss—unlike the moments leading up to it—was slow, soft. It took its time and ended only when you two were satisfied. After being brought down to reality, Jeongin pulled away and brushed some hair out of your face.

"Y/n," he softly said.

"Jeongin, Innie," you said back, twirling with his sweaty locks and massaging the nape of his neck.

"We..." he panted out before taking a look around, "We gotta clean this place up and get the fuck out of here."

You stared at him in awe before cracking a smile.

---

You felt weird walking in with Jeongin and his gang on Tuesday. Gang? Maybe like "gaggle of friends that constantly annoy you but you are now stuck with and quickly learning to love." Needless to say, it felt like all eyes were on you. Actually, it was true. Teachers, students, faculty, everyone: no one could believe that the top student was now walking hand-in-hand with someone who held the reputation for being the school's worst student.

Despite being an outspoken and confirmed hater of Yang Jeongin, here you were: walking in next to him, with his arm slung around you, and blushing at his cute jokes. God, when did Jeongin become cute?! What a horrid thing to think, let alone believe. Yet, you knew it. He was cute. And now, the whole school knew that you thought so. Or, at least, that's what your giggles insinuated.

Maybe you always thought he was cute and now you allowed yourself to believe it, like those intrusive thoughts were actually right all along, and, yes, you did actually think he was incredibly sweet and handsome, and likely the best boyfriend. It's only been four days but he already has promised to walk you to and from school every day and has dates pre-planned with you up until graduation. He hasn't told you about the latter part yet, but he will soon enough. He just needs to wait until you're a little more comfortable with him before he confesses how much he absolutely adores you.

Being an "it" couple was not on your goal list for high school. Come to think of it, being stared at when you walk with your boyfriend and losing your virginity to him a mere four days before in the school library was not on the list either. Oh, how plans change. Somehow, however, you didn't mind the stares. Though most were shocked at how Jeongin had bagged the school's nerdiest (and hottest) girl, how that girl—who hated the man—now gleamed at him with adoration, and how they ever managed to get together in the first place, the most shocking element was the fact that your uniform was not up to code. Every day for the past few years, you were a picture-perfect student with pressed dress shirts, even ties, and cleanly pleated skirts. Now, your tie was loose and you were even wearing a hoodie—fuck, his, hoodie?! Jesus.

As you walked to class, you couldn't care less. Jeongin escorted you to first period, giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek and almost smiling at how cute you looked all wrapped in his hoodie. Your fellow students—hell, even the teacher—seemed bewildered by the interaction.

You, however, barely acknowledged them. You just noticed the man in front of you in a light that was so starkly different from the past four years.

"Got everything, yeah?" He said with a straight face.

"Yes, Innie," you smiled, making him glance away.

"I told you—" he started in a voice that was a little too loud, making him dart around to see if anyone was looking his way. And, of course, everyone was looking at you two because how could they not? The eyes on him made him uneasy, but when he turned back to you, all those uncomfortable feelings disappeared into nothing. He licked his lips anxiously and leaned in, adopting a hushed voice to try and retain a morsel of privacy. "I told you not to call me that in public, baby," he blubbered, "it ruins my image. Please, baby."

God, was he blushing? Fuck, he was perfect.

"Okay, Innie," you teased, making him ever redder. You stressed his nickname and relished in his embarrassed demeanour.

Huh. Maybe Jeongin had been right all along: teasing was fun, especially if it was done on the person you liked the most.

"Promise me you'll go to class, okay? I'll see you in last period, then we'll keep working on the project," you said.

"Ugghhghhhhh.." he groaned with a long-winded exasperation. "UGH... Okay."

"Great!" You smiled mischievously, "And we'll actually have to work on it. Unlike all those other times we... 'worked on the project' together this weekend."

"Y/n." His blush grew from his ears down his neck, still unable to make eye contact with you. You'd think that years of teasing you made him impervious to sly remarks, but when they're coming from you, well that's a different story.

"Why are you acting like this?! It was your fault in the first place!" You huffed with an air of playfulness. "I just wanna remind you that we won't be alone in the library this time!"

"Just... g-get to class, okay?" He stuttered, "I'll see you later, baby."  Extending his hand out in a half-heart shape, you completed it with a giggle, adoring how small your hands were compared to your boyfriend’s. Then, Jeongin softly wrapped his hand around yours and pulled you in, offering you a kiss to your forehead. When he pulled away, he readjusted your glasses as they had slipped down your nose bridge.

"Perfect," he said with a small voice. With a final giggle from you, he watched you go into class.

Now there was the issue of what to do with his day. Normally, he'd spend first period smoking outside with his friends, wait until second period for the cafeteria to start serving pizza, go to third just to eat, then go to fourth period just to see you.

Now.. fuck. He was actually going to class. He hated how you were already having an effect on his lifestyle, but rejoiced that you operated in a position that dictated his life. If he was to be controlled, he would want you to be the one pulling the strings. Jeongin seemed to see you for who you really were: determined, intelligent, and perfect to coddle. Looking at you even had an effect on him, one that he could now proudly display instead of hiding behind bullying and teasing (not to say he’ll stop teasing you anytime soon).

As he slung himself into his assigned seat for first period, his surprise was mirrored on the teacher's face. God. Despite having only a few days passed since you two got together, you were already changing him to a noticeable degree. Yet, it was for the better. And he smiled knowing that if he was changing, that it was for good and that it was for you.

[princessbettina]

Cody Rhodes comforting you during an anxiety attack headcannons

The American Nightmare helps you during an anxiety attack by comforting you and staying by your side through it all.

(I'm mainly writing this for me <3)

You were casually scrolling on your phone when you saw some posts that sparked an upsetting nerve in you. It led to you beginning to experience an anxiety attack.

Overthinking and overwhelming thoughts began to flow within you.

When you start to feel the uncomfortable numbness in your chest, along with a faster beating heart, you put your phone down and politely excused yourself from where you're at and travel to the bathroom as a place for privacy and security.

You quickly ran to the bathroom as your breathing becomes quick and heavy as tiny drops of water begin to fill up in your eyes. "No. No! Please don't do this, Y/n!" You whispered to yourself.

It just so happens that your crush, who's also your boyfriend, Cody Rhodes, picked up on what was going on and wanted to help you as he was always extremely supportive and understanding of you when you experienced these difficult moments.

Cody walked and stood right outside of the door to the bathroom you were in and politely knocked on the door, hoping to get an answer from you.

"Y/n? Are you okay? It's me, Cody. I'm right out here if you want or need me."

A few seconds later, you opened the door slowly while trying to hide your face as you didn't want Cody to see you crying.

Seeing you in this state always broke Cody's heart because he always wanted to see you happy and truly happy.

Cody opened up his arms and took a few steps towards you. "Aww it's okay, Y/n! Come here, beautiful"

You met up along with him as his arms gently hugged you from behind as well as yours too. You gently nuzzle your head against his chest as more tears began to fall.

Cody gently rubbed your back. "You're safe, Y/n. Let it all out. It's just you and me here."

One of your hands anchored onto Cody's arm as the other gently rested atop of his chest. You wiped away your tears on your face and began to take deep breaths slowly, getting the chance to finally relax.

"What you are feeling is scary, but it's not dangerous." Cody spoke softly, his arms still wrapped around you.

Hearing the sweet and supportive words coming from your wrestler boyfriend warmed up your heart so much.

"How'd you get to be so sweet?" You playfully asked as you looked up at him with a soft smile.

"Years of practice, gorgeous" Giggled Cody, his pearly white smile showing which caused you to giggle softly.

"Thank you so much, Bueller." You giggled as you began to smirk his direction. Cody knew you were joking after you said that which caused him to chuckle too.

"Jokes aside, I am proud of you for getting through it. You are so strong and brave. Seriously, good job, baby." Cody softly spoke to you, him gently taking hold of your hand in his and rubbing it gently with his thumb.

Both of you looked into each other’s gaze. The sweet moments of security and love filled the air between you two, any negative emotions were long gone and that's how you liked it.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Code's. I love you to the ring and back." You spoke softly up at him, giggling softly as you nuzzle into him once more.

He smirked as he watched you hug him more. He continued to rub your arms gently. "I love you more. You know I'd do anything for you, gorgeous. You can always count on me."

Cody then places a kiss on your cheek as he hugs you once more, a moment that feels like bliss <3

I hope you enjoyed the read. I'm someone who experiences anxiety attacks and it can be a bit overwhelming at times, trying to find ways to relax and feel better during those moments that actually help can be kind of be hard to find. I thought writing this story would help not just me the next time a moment like that happens, but any of you too who may be in the same boat and who experiences these things too. I hope it helps and remember that you are not alone and that you are loved <3

[duckieberry]

General base for my Classification Au’s

—- DISCLAIMER: Please note two things before I get into this. One- a lot of the things I have here are direct copy and pastes from my Genshin Classification AU (with some tweaks, adjustments and new additions) as what I’m putting here is the much more refined version of the basis I used to make that AU. Others can use this as a reference to make their own but I mainly posted this so I don’t have to reiterate all this when I inevitably make another classification AU. Two- while I worked on this AU with the intention of higher levels of realism it still isn’t 100% accurate as I am not a professional in anything biology related nor do I claim to be.

—-

Classification AUs you’ve either read them, know of them or have no idea what I’m on about. I personally really enjoy this type of AU but I found that it lacks many things, mainly coherent world building. So I’ve taken it upon myself to try and make a decent generalized base to make the AU a bit more immersive and give it a believable feel (in my opinion). I will not go into my personal gripes with how these AUs are typically handled as I know some people who enjoy them the way they are and don’t mind the things I find immersion breaking.

So here is a quick rundown on what this is for those who are unfamiliar with what this kind of Au is. A’ littles are known’ classification AU, is a type of alternate universe in which individuals take a test or examination of some sort which figures out the type of headspace/behaviours the person being tested will develop and display throughout their life, in other words their classification. 

There are many different versions of classification AU’s that focus on different dynamics. This version is specifically based around and is for age regressors so this ISN’T a k*nk based AU and is ENTIRELY sfw.

—-

How does it work:

A person's classification is based on their hormones. The hormones that dictate a person's classification start to be produced when that individual is in the latter stages of puberty. Upon reaching the age when their classification starts to take effect they will experience small bouts of headspace/instincts. A caregiver might find themself starting to fawn over animals or a friend that’s gotten hurt, littles might find themself sucking their thumb or being drawn to toys.

Headspace isn’t on a set timer. It happens for various reasons, for example: when a little enters headspace it could be because of their biological clock (they regress at similar times every week), random hormone influx (like a mood swing), negative or positive external stimulus, etc. A caregiver might enter their headspace because they heard someone crying, someone needed help with a task, in close proximity to a regressed little, etc.

On extremely rare occasions a person's classification can change. A neutral can gain a classification, a little might turn into a caregiver and a caregiver into a flip; there's no limit to which classification can shift into another. Reason for these classification shifts is unknown as the causes vary wildly from trauma, stress, to pure chance.

-

Testing:

Depending on the setting the tests go a little differently and their accuracy may fluctuate. Best way for these tests to work is through blood samples as a classification is based on hormones.

When it comes to littles the concentration of hormones helps dictate the age range. Higher concentration means younger age range while lower concentration means older age range.

Most people from the settings country/city/nation etc, get tested at 15-16 years old, the actual behaviours/habits won’t start to show up until at least 18 which is when it starts to manifest. It takes about a year for the behaviours/habits of a classification to form completely.

-

Classifications explained:

Littles/Regressors - those who regress into a childlike mindset with mental ages ranging from a few months old to 14 depending on the individual.

A healthy Regressor will typically regress 1-3 times per week. They can be in headspace for as little as a few hours to as long as a few days depending on their age range. The younger a Regressor is the longer they tend to stay regressed for at a given time. 

Caregivers - those who care for Littles and help keep them safe like a parent or guardian. They exhibit above average strength which allows them to carry Regressors with ease.

Flips - those who don’t fall perfectly into Little or Caregiver but instead swap between the two. People with these split classifications are rather uncommon. Flips need to work to find a balance between regressing and caretaking to stay healthy. Most Flips lean more towards one side of their dual class than the other which can make balancing their classification more difficult. Everything that can happen to littles and caregivers also applies to flips. They are more prone to the behaviours/afflictions of the class they lean more towards.

Neutral - those who are neutral don’t fall into any of the above classifications and experience no changes in behaviour.

-

Risks:

Like all things related to our bodies and minds, there are health risks. If someone does not maintain their classification properly then there are significant drawbacks

Littles/Regressors who refrain from regressing for too long begin to develop a condition known as regression sickness. It starts out like the common cold but progressively gets more severe the longer the Regressor refuses their headspace. Symptoms like dizziness, nausea, mood swings, intensified emotions, lethargy and weakness may occur as the sickness progresses.

The only way to recover from regression sickness is to regress. Littles/Regressors who are affected by the condition will inevitably drop into their headspace. Upon doing so they will be unable to surface from their headspace until they have fully recovered which can take upwards of a week depending on the extent of the headspace repression.

Caregivers who do not have a Little are far more likely to develop mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Most Caregivers are recommended to buy a plant or a pet to look after to help mitigate the chances of such a thing happening.

Flips have the task of learning to balance their dual classification. Failure to find a semblance of balance can result in more minor forms of the above conditions 

-

Headspace management:

It’s not uncommon for Regressors to regress spontaneously. These sudden regressions can be at very inconvenient times or put the Little in danger. Depending on the setting the country/city/nation etc, either make their own or import medications to sell to the citizens to help them manage their headspace and allow them to be functioning members of society without putting themselves in danger.

The medication is a mild hormone blocker that wears off within 8-10 hours. It is incapable of fully holding back headspace unless multiple pills are taken (which isn’t recommended nor is it healthy). It’s purely for management not for full suppression despite what the name ‘headspace suppressant’ might imply.

Headspace suppressant medication can also reduce the symptoms of regression sickness but it won’t cure the condition and in fact makes it worse. Doctors will tell Littles to stop taking headspace management medication if they’re showing symptoms of regression sickness.

-

Autonomy:

Littles have their own autonomy like any other person and are completely independent. Through a mixture of headspace management and local daycare businesses, littles are fully capable of getting a job, owning a house, and overall being independent without neglecting their headspace or having a caregiver. 

Some settings may be more overbearing and discriminatory to their littles but despite what the settings views may be, littles are still capable individuals despite their classification and aren’t helpless.

-

Extra notes:

When regressed, littles may have issues with certain kinds of foods. Depending on their age range they might struggle to eat more solid foods or just generally gain a dislike for certain textures even though they can manage them just fine while big.

Caregivers may enter a protective rage if they feel a little in their care is under major threat either emotionally or physically. Caregivers in this state often become very defensive until the perceived threat is dealt with.

—-

I wish to share this basis with others in the hopes that they use it as inspiration for their own fics. This Au was created mainly for fluff but with potential for angst in mind (hurt/comfort) so some things are open for change and interpretation, mainly: how testing is done for that specific world/fandom, treatment of littles (I do not condone them being treated like helpless pets or dolls), what exactly the headspace management medication is (pills, potion, herbs, etc), additional causes for why a classification might change (the change should never leave the person affected helpless or unable to decide for themself).

[jinkoh]

butterscotch yellow

kino/hyunggu x gn!reader

“Still, I can't believe you didn't even tell us. No use crying over spilled milk but you'll have to tell us all about how it happened, y/n. I mean you hated his guts.” Just when you realized that Hyunggu and you hadn't agreed on a backstory yet, a voice sounded from behind you. “Hate is such a strong word, don’t you think?”

summary: for reasons you can't quite understand you end up fake dating the one guy you absolutely can't stand—and even more perplexing: you also end up falling in love with him

word count: 19,5k Tags: fake dating, rivals (?) to lovers, college au, hurt/comfort, a little smut (minors dni); Warnings: alcohol consumption

a/n: actually this story was first inspired by prompt 27 from this post: the way you said "I love you"—A taunt, with one eyebrow raised and a grin bubbling at your lips. And then it accidentally became almost 20k and the original prompt isn't even all that present anymore. Anyway I hope you enjoy~

Masterlist

Everyone loved Hyunggu. He was kind and charming and beautiful and helpful and whichever other amazing traits could be attributed to a person. Anyone would attest to how perfect he was

—and you couldn’t for the life of you understand why. Even your friends genuinely liked him and, what irked you even more, couldn’t grasp why you didn’t. If anything, they thought your constant bickering was amusing.

To your demise you weren’t only sharing the same major, no, you were also together on the student council. There was really no escaping him.

It wasn’t like you were a negative person by nature. But something about Hyunggu just rubbed you the wrong way, you felt annoyed by his mere presence.

Maybe you were just a bit more sensitive  these days, but considering that you only just went through a pretty ugly break up with your boyfriend it was only natural.

So, when you went to the atelier between two of your classes in hopes of getting some peace and quiet while working on your final assignment,  you weren’t exactly pleased to see someone else already there and even less pleased that it was Hyunggu.

He looked up when you walked in, only just stepping out from behind one of the art supply racks, his hair slightly ruffled.

You couldn’t suppress a sigh at his sight, but he just grinned.

“Nice to see you too, y/n.”

Just when you thought you couldn’t have been more annoyed at the situation, a girl stumbled out from behind the shelf, hastily readjusting her clothes. When her eyes met yours she laughed awkwardly, before scurrying past you out of the room.

After the girl had closed the door behind her you threw an annoyed glance at Hyunggu.

“Seriously? In the atelier?”

He just shrugged, getting back to his easel.

You couldn’t believe this. You didn’t care if he wanted to sleep around or whatever. It was none of your business and it also wasn’t a secret that he liked to have hookups with girls or guys or anything outside and in between—no strings attached of course. But did it have to be in the atelier? This space was for working, for drawing. It was supposed to be a safe space. Couldn’t he have gone elsewhere if he was feeling horny?

"I don't care what you do with your free time but can you at least try to keep it in your pants while in the atelier?"

He didn’t even look at you, his eyes trained on the painting in front of him as he picked up his brush again.

“Calm down, y/n. It’s not like we actually had sex here.”

“Calm down? Some people try to work here, Hyunggu.”

“You're just bitter because you're not getting any. Not anymore at least.”

Ouch. You didn’t want to admit it, but he’d hit you right where it hurt. A part of you wanted to murder him, another part wanted to cry.

But as if you could ever let that happen, as if you could ever cry in front of him. That’d feel like losing and if there was one thing you hated more than you hated him it was the feeling of losing.

So you just rolled your eyes at him while sitting down in front of your own work.

"Very funny, Hyunggu."

He threw you a shit-eating grin. “I know.”

You thought the conversation was over, but apparently Hyunggu didn’t agree.

“I can't help it, y/n,” he said casually as his brush moved over the canvas. “They just can't keep their hands off me.”

You started wondering if maybe you could get away with murder.

“Yeah,” you scoffed. “You poor soul. Must be so hard to be born this pretty.”

“Thanks.” He sighed dramatically. “It really is.”

You felt so frustrated with him, your hand started clenching around your brush. But you tried to contain your anger and calm your breathing.

"Maybe you should just start dating someone for real if you're struggling this much. Would surely help your case.”

The moment you spotted the smug grin on Hyunggu’s lips, you regretted your words.

“Sure. Are you volunteering, Buttercup?”

You gagged at his words. “I’ll pass, thanks.”

“Hm.” He shrugged and turned back to his painting. “Your loss. Others would have died for this opportunity. But suit yourself.”

“Yeah, right,” you mumbled, trying to steer your focus back on working too.

You mostly worked in silence after that. From time to time you could hear Hyunggu humming so softly, you didn’t even notice at first and when you did you were surprised to find that it didn’t bother you. In a way it was nice to have a little background noise while focusing on your painting.

Since you still had another class, you had to pack  up your stuff eventually to leave. While you cleaned out your brushes, your gaze briefly wandered to Hyunggu. He was completely engrossed in his work, not even noticing you at all. It was like he was a completely different person.  There was nothing of his obnoxious teasing and his arrogance. His whole aura changed when he focused on his painting—it almost made you want to respect him. Maybe you did, a little, at least this side of him.

You didn’t say goodbye when you left, both to not interrupt him and to avoid another spiteful conversation. But when you opened the door you heard a mumbled “See you,” from his direction.

“Sure,” you replied, not even bothering to look back.

A few days later, you found yourself at a house party from one of your fellow student council members. It was the first time you went out after the break up so you’d been somewhat looking forward to this.

But now you were standing in some  corner, clutching onto the drink in your hand, your eyes glued to your ex making out with some girl on the couch. They were so invested in shoving their tongues down each other's throats they didn't even notice you staring at them.

Someone else seemingly noticed though because you were suddenly pulled out of your trance by a familiar voice.

“Wow,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “That hurts. I thought we were going to get married. Guess making out in the art room doesn't mean anything anymore these days.”

Your head snapped around to find Hyunggu standing next to you, an impish grin on his face.

When you looked back to the couch then, you recognized the girl on the couch as Hyunggu’s hook up from the other day.

“Truly tragic. You must be heartbroken,” you retorted.

“Hm. Not as much as you.” His voice almost sounded genuine and when your eyes met his you thought something like concern flashing through them.

It was gone within a split second though. “Bet you regret not taking me up on my offer now, huh?”

You rolled your eyes before downing the rest of your drink. “Gotta go, get a refill.”

“You know, if you'd asked me I would have gotten one for you.”

“I don't need you for that.”

You started walking towards the kitchen to finally get rid of him, but he jogged up next to you.

“No need to be so cold, Buttercup.”

“I'm not in the mood for your jokes, Hyunggu.”

He came to a stop in front of you, blocking your way with his body. When he looked at you, there was something dark in his eyes. If you didn't know better you'd think he was trying to seduce you.

“Who says I'm joking?” He leaned in a little. “I wouldn't mind giving this a go, just say the word.”

To your own horror, you really felt your heart skipping a beat but you quickly shook yourself out of it. You couldn't get involved with him and his games just because you were heartbroken and a little tipsy.

“Dream on,” you scoffed, pushing past him to the kitchen.

You tried to stay clear of both Hyunggu and your ex-boyfriend for the rest of the evening but it wasn't that easy since the location wasn't exactly a big place. Still, you could at least ignore them. You deserved to have a good time and there was no reason why you would have to be the one to leave. You did nothing wrong. You didn't cheat or break up nor did you make out with some girl in the art room.

But when you went back to the kitchen once more to get you another drink, you caught your ex, completely occupied by that girl from before who was sitting on the kitchen counter, her legs wrapped around his waist.

You wanted to gag and cry and punch him in the throat.

Good for her though, you supposed, since she really seemed to be getting her needs met these days.

When you sat down your cup on the counter with a little more fervor than necessary, your ex unglued himself from the girl’s lips to look at you. 

“Oh,” he laughed awkwardly. “y/n.”

You threw him a forced smile and a nod, before you turned back to your drink. There was no reason to make conversation with him. You could be out of this kitchen within seconds.

Your eyes searched the counter, trying to find a bottle of liquor that wasn't empty in all the mess

“I think this one is good,” the girl suddenly said and handed you a bottle with a smile. You knew it wasn't her fault, lord, she probably didn't even know you were his ex. But at that moment you really wanted to punch her. For existing, for making out with him, for being nice to you.

Of course you didn’t go through with that. You weren’t that childish nor were you going to give your ex-boyfriend the chance to tell people you were hysterical or a bitch. God forbid they end up sympathizing with him even though he was the asshole who cheated.

“Thank you.” You took the bottle from her and started mixing your drink, trying to leave as soon as possible.

Sadly, your ex decided he wasn't done yet. 

“I'm so sorry if this is awkward for you. I didn't know you'd be here.”

What a dumb excuse. He knew well that you’d be here, you were in the student council after all and pretty close with a bunch of the people here while he was… just kinda there. Still, you weren’t going to make a scene.

“Yeah sure, no problem,” you curtly replied.

“I hope this isn't too hard on you. I don't wanna hurt your feelings.”

You felt yourself getting angrier. Funny that he was suddenly caring about your feelings now. You wondered where that empathy had been when he hooked up with someone else the night while still in a relationship with you.

You put on your best fake smile.

“Why would I be hurt?”

“You don't have to pretend to be strong, y/n. It's okay.”

Your fingers clutched around the bottle of soda you’d picked up, trying hard to contain your anger and not empty the liquid over his head. 

Just then, someone stepped into the room. Of course it had to be Hyunggu. For once you almost felt grateful for his presence. Anything was better than dealing with your ex just a second longer.

“What's up?" Hyunggu asked casually but his expression made it clear that he knew very well he interrupted a tense conversation.

“Ah,” your ex looked uncomfortable. “Hyunggu.”

The girl felt uncomfortable too, if the way she averted her gaze was anything to go by.

“So, what did I miss?” Hyunggu asked, stepping closer to you to reach for one of the bottles on the counter.

Your ex laughed. “Nothing big really, we were just talking about how hard it must be on y/n to see me here with my new girlfriend.”

Hyunggu raised an eyebrow at that last word and the girl seemed to get even smaller. He didn't comment on it though, instead he looked at you questioningly.

“Is that so?”

You wanted to disappear.  This was so humiliating.

How could your ex dare to say shit like this, especially in front of other people, in front of Hyunggu?

When you didn't say anything, he asked again. “Are you having a hard time?”

There was concern in his eyes again, but this time you also thought there was something else. An offer. Or maybe a challenge?

Whatever it was, you decided to take him up on it.

Of course you hated Hyunggu with your entire being. But if it meant to escape getting humiliated by your ex any further, maybe it would be okay to take part in one of Hyunggu’s games.

“Why would I be having a hard time? You're here with me after all.”

Surprise flashed through Hyunggu’s face, but it quickly got replaced by a smug grin.

“That's good, love.” He wrapped his hand around your waist and pulled you a little closer to leave a kiss on the crown of your hair. “Let's go back?”

“Sure.”

Hyunggu threw a last glance at your ex and his girl who both seemed equally confused.

“Was good seeing you guys. Truly a lovely couple,” he said before guiding both of you out of the kitchen.

You hated to admit it but seeing your ex's reaction made all of this worth it. The confusion and the humiliation on his  face were the best things you'd experienced in a while.

Nevertheless, you didn't really think it was necessary to stay in Hyunggu's arm now that you were out of sight.

“Thanks, you can let go now.”

“Aww, Buttercup, I'm hurt.” He pouted at you but it was clear he wasn't actually offended. He dramatically clutched at his chest. “I feel so used.”

“Shouldn't have offered then.”

He chuckled at your quick comeback. “You don't know what you're missing out on.”

“I'd rather keep it that way.” You shot him an emotionless smile before making your way back to your friends.

The following week you went back to the atelier to continue the work on your assignment only to find Hyunggu there once more. It only made sense that he’d use the room too—after all he had an assignment to finish. But it was really just your luck that he always chose the same times as you.

With a sigh you stepped inside.

“Is anyone hiding behind the shelves fixing their clothes or are you actually alone right now?” You took a cautious look around the room as if you were expecting someone to jump out from somewhere.

“Who do you take me for?” He grinned. “I would never cheat on you, Buttercup.”

“You're so funny, Hyunggu.”

“Right back at you.”

Since it seemed he really was alone you sat down at your easel and took out your equipment. Just when you wanted to continue your painting, Hyunggu interrupted you.

“Reminds me, do you know what you'll do about the gala yet?"

“What's that supposed to mean?” You asked with a glare. Of course your piece didn’t look exactly finished yet, but you also had another week before you’d present it at the gala and you were confident about making it in time. And even if you didn’t finish your assignment—it wasn’t any of his business.

He shrugged. “Well, your ex will be there too and he now thinks we're dating, so…”

Oh.

You felt the heat rush to your face.

You completely misunderstood him.

“So… what are you asking?” 

“I'm asking how you want to handle it. Are we dating? Are we not dating?”

For a moment you stayed silent, considering your options. Of course you didn’t want your ex to know that you lied or to think that you’d already broken up again. But it was just a gala to present your final assignments. It’s not like you were supposed to come there with a date.

If anything, everyone would mostly stick close to their own works anyway, answering questions if the professor or other guests had any. So it wouldn't really matter right?

You shook your head. “Thanks, but I think no one would notice anyway.” You focused back on your painting. “Last time was really a one time thing.”

You could practically hear the grin in his voice when he replied “Usually that's my line.”

The night before the gala, you went to the location to set up your work. Your class had a loose time frame for the drop off, but by the time you arrived most people had already been there, the gallery decked out in paintings and sculptures. It wasn’t really surprising—you’d cut it pretty close and literally did your last brush strokes just this morning, giving them the day to dry before you transported it.

One of your professor's assistants was waiting at the entrance asking for your name and class number so she could tell you the number of the space where your painting was supposed to go.

When you reached the place there was already a painting up on the wall next to it. It looked very familiar. It was Hyunggu’s.

From an artist's perspective you could understand why your paintings would be set up next to each other—it made an intriguing combination in terms of style and arrangement.

But the prospect of having to spend the whole evening next to him? Torture.

You were carefully unwrapping your painting, when you heard steps behind you. You turned around to see your ex standing there giving you a dirty look.

“Can't believe you,” he hissed his gaze wandering between you and Hyunggu’s painting.

“Excuse me?”

“I was going to do the sensible thing and ask if me bringing my girlfriend along tomorrow would bother you. But here you are, having your work literally next to your new guy's painting. Can't bear to be apart for one evening, huh?”

You stared at him in disbelief. “What the fuck are you even saying? I'm not the one who made the room plan. And even if, what are you so pissed about?!”

“Am I not allowed to be angry when my ex who pretended to be all hurt about the break up moes on this quickly and then has to shove it right into my face?”

“Are you serious right now? You were the one who kept making out with your girlfriend at a party you knew very well I would be attending so what even is your point?!”

He just shook his head as if you were too stupid to understand.

“I just didn't take you to be such a slut, y/n, that's all.”

With that he left you behind, not giving you another chance to retaliate.

You clenched your fists. The anger bubbling in your stomach was so overpowering you almost wanted to go around the gallery to search for his piece and destroy it.

Honestly, he would have deserved that.

But you were going to pull yourself together (only partly because of the surveillance cameras in the gallery).

You still felt angry on your way home. But there was also a realization slowly sinking in: You might have to come back to Hyunggu’s offer after all.

You just knew your ex would have an eagle eye on you as much as he could, and with Hyunggu's painting right next to yours it would probably be noticeable if you didn't keep up the pretense.

So despite the feeling of absolute disgust that took over you at the mere thought of asking Hyunggu about this again after declining his offer so confidently, you decided it had to be done. If only to tick off your ass of an ex boyfriend.

The next day, you got to the location a few hours before it started, to help prepare and set everything up. Your professor gave some last instructions, since it was  the first event of this type for most of the students. After that you helped with some last minute preparations, like relocating some standing and carrying some boxes with sparkling wine inside.

You kept looking for an opportunity to catch Hyunggu alone in between and you finally took your chance when you spotted him fixing the angle of his painting. You looked around before stepping closer and clearing your throat to catch his attention.

He turned around to you and immediately had a smug smile on his lips.

“Y/n.”

You really didn’t want to do this.

“Uh, yeah, hi. Can I talk to you for a second?”

He raised an eyebrow but nodded and the two of you stepped outside. On the way out you briefly crossed paths with your ex who threw the two of you a glare but you tried to ignore him. Hyunggu didn’t seem particularly bothered either.

When you finally stepped through one of the small back entrances, no one else in sight, he smiled looking intrigued. “So, what's up, Buttercup?”

“Can we be serious for like one second?”

“I'm always serious when it's about you, y/n.”

You rolled your eyes but decided not to further spur him on by replying to his the stupid comment.

“So the thing is,” you started reluctantly.

“The thing is?”

You could tell from Hyunggu’s smug expression that he wouldn’t make this easy for you, but it wasn’t like you had much of a choice.

"doesyourofferstillstand?" you begrudgingly pressed out, swallowing all your pride. 

"Eh?" He cocked his head. "My offer?"

It cost you all your strength not to punch him in his dumb pretty face. But you pulled yourself together. You needed him alive.

“Stop  pretending, Hyunggu. you know exactly what i'm talking about.”

“So where does the sudden change of mind come from?”

“Let's just say the situation changed a little.”

“How so?”

You didn’t exactly want to tell him all about yesterday's conversation but you also knew he wouldn’t give it a rest if you didn't give him at least some kind of reason.

“I had a little argument with my ex yesterday,” you briefly summarized.

He nodded slowly as if he was contemplating something.

“Hmmm, I can see why that would change things for you.”

A sly grin appeared on his lips as he stepped just a little closer to you. You felt your heart skip a beat in your chest at the sudden proximity. Without saying anything his gaze just lingered on your for a moment, wandering from your eyes to your lips and back up.

“But you know, Buttercup,” he said after a while. “You should have just said yes when I first offered.”

You frowned.

Of course you had known this conversation would be uncomfortable and that he'd be smug and sassy. But there had been no doubt in your mind that he would easily agree. Yet, now he was rejecting you?

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I guess you could call it a time-limited offer? Would have done it for free, but now you lost your chance.” 

He looked at you with fake pity. 

“What?” you asked, dumbfounded. You didn't know what else to say.

“Sometimes it's better not to hesitate, y/n. Maybe take it as advice for the future.”

You shook your head. “You're kidding right?”

“Why would I be kidding?”

“You were so keen on this before and now you're saying no?”

He shrugged. “What would I get out of this?”

“So that's what this is about? You want something in return?”

“I mean if you don't want to…” He let his eyes wander into the distance, a meaningful expression on his face.

You sighed. “What do you want, Hyunggu?”

A sly grin formed on his lips and it made your stomach burn with frustration. “I knew you'd come around.”

“Just tell me what you want already, Hyunggu.”

“A favor.”

You had a bad feeling about this.

“A favor?”

He nodded “Exactly.”

“What kind of favor?”

“I'll let you know when I need it.”

“You expect me to say yes to this without knowing what you're going to ask for?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “I'm not expecting anything. I'm just telling you my price.”

You took a deep breath. You hated this. There was no way you’d say yes to something like this. How stupid did he take you for?

Just when you were about to tell him to forget it all, you heard the backdoor behind you open.

Your ex was standing there, eyeing the both of you with pure disgust.

“Sorry to interrupt the two of you,” he snarled, not sounding sorry at all. “If you're done flirting maybe you want to come back inside and actually help like the rest of us?”

You swallowed looking back at Hyunggu who cocked his head in a question, as if to ask what your decision was going to be.

Your jaw tensed up. You couldn’t let him expose you now in front of your ex.

“Fine,” you mouthed at him.

“Perfect.” Hyunggu leaned in closer, his lips briefly brushing over your forehead, before he pulled back again to look at you.

“I love you.”

The way he said it was taunting, one eyebrow raised and a grin on his lips. It was so obvious that there wasn’t the tiniest bit of sincerity in his words, but your ex didn’t seem to notice, judging from the scoff he let out.

Hyunggu didn't give either of you a chance to say anything, moving past you to step back inside from where your ex was still glaring at you.

When you didn't follow along, Hyunggu turned around again. “Aren’t you coming, Buttercup?"

You went back inside to help with the rest of the preparations, though honestly, there wasn’t much to do anymore, confirming your hunch that your ex mainly came outside to interrupt you and Hyunggu.

Still, you somehow managed to keep yourself busy with this and that until the event started, barely seeing either Hyunggu or your ex. During the gala itself Hyunggu of course was close by, his painting being next to yours and all, but the guests kept you busy so there wasn't that much room for conversation or any fake dating activities.

In the late evening, after the gala ended, you felt tired and exhausted but you were also filled with bubbling happiness. More people than you’d expected had shown interest in your work and you thought you also did a decent job presenting it, so you couldn’t help the feeling of pride welling up inside of you.

Still full of adrenaline, you turned to Hyunggu who was taking a sip from a water bottle, looking pretty tired himself.

"Tonight was amazing, wasn't it?" You asked excitedly, forgetting for a moment that you were supposed to hate his guts.

You got ready to be ridiculed by him, you could almost hear his voice taunting you for getting so childishly happy about something like this. But instead he broke into a wide smile too, little creases forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I loved it too"

It caught you off guard. He looked so genuinely happy, no trace of his usual sneer or smugness.

You couldn't remember seeing him like this before but you suddenly understood why everyone seemed to like him so much.

You swallowed, quickly averting your eyes. Instead of him, you focused your attention on your painting, reaching out to carefully take it off the wall.

"That's good," you mumbled, hoping Hyunggu didn't notice the heat you felt rising up to your cheeks.

Maybe it was because of the size of the painting or maybe you were just too fidgety but somehow getting it down was way harder than it’d been to put it up. You were just considering asking someone from the gallery to help you with it when you felt someone step behind you.

"Let me help you," Hyunggu said, standing so close to you that you noticed the scent of his perfume. It smelled like freshly cut flowers. It didn't exactly fit the image of him you'd painted in your head, but maybe you didn't know him as well as you thought you did.

"It's fine," you stuttered out, trying to put a little distance between the two of you.

"Just let me help, y/n," he insisted and you could hear the smile in his voice. "It can be a little tricky." 

Hyunggu reached out his hands to your painting, his fingers brushing yours when he did. He easily removed the painting from the hook it was attached to and gently set it down. 

You felt your heart beating so hard in your chest, you worried that he could hear the sound of it.

"There we go."

"Thanks," you mumbled.

"Always, Buttercup."

The nickname made you look up to meet his gaze, before your eyes wandered past him to your ex who was glaring at you from a few meters away.

Of course. 

All of this had just been part of your little pretense because your ex had been watching. You’d simply been too unattentive to notice.

You suddenly felt stupid for getting all nervous and shy when Hyunggu was just playing his role—a role you’d asked him to play yourself.

“We need to set up some boundaries,” you stated later that night, when the two of you were alone, making your way to the bus stop.

“Boundaries?” 

“Yeah. You know, rules and stuff.”

“So you want to keep this up longer then?” He grinned. “Can't get enough of me now that you've had a taste?”

You suppressed a gag. “Get off your high horse, Hyunggu. It's just that we can't suddenly stop now, I'm sure he will keep an eye on us at college too and since the others also sorta noticed now…”

Hyunggu chuckled. “Got it. We'll play lovebirds a little longer. I don't mind.” You didn't like the expression on his face but decided to ignore it.

“So, as I said, we need boundaries.”

“What did you have in mind, Buttercup?”

“That’s the first one. Don't call me that.”

“Why not? It suits you.”

“We're alone Hyunggu, there's no need to put on an act. Which is the first rule. When we're alone we're back to normal. No flirting.”

Hyunggu raised an eyebrow. “But aren't I always flirting with you? Isn't that our normal?”

“Rule number 2,” you moved on, not acknowledging his nonsense. “No others. I can't have another boyfriend cheating on me, even if it's just a fake.”

“I already told you I wouldn't cheat on you. Anything else?”

“I'm the one who breaks up.”

“Sure.”

You looked at him in surprise. You hadn't expected him to agree to that so easily, knowing all too well that Hyunggu could be prideful.

“You don't mind?”

“I think your ego needs that more than mine right now. Besides,” a cocky grin appeared on his lips, “I bet you won't want to break up anyway.”

“Dream on.”

“So, is that all?”

“Uh,” you considered for a moment. “I think so?”

“What about other kinds of boundaries?”

You looked at him questioningly. “What do you mean?”

“You know,” he stopped walking, his hand grabbing yours to make you stop as well. He pulled you closer until there was barely any space left between you. 

“Things like this,” he whispered. “Is this fine?”

You swallowed, suddenly feeling way too hot despite the cool evening breeze. “I guess so?” Your voice was thin and it sounded more like a question.

“Mhm,” he hummed, his face coming just a bit closer still. “What about other things?”

“For example?”

His eyes wandered to your lips. “Is it okay to kiss you?”

Your brain short circuited. Clearly, the answer should be No. But how could you say no when he was looking at you like that?

“If,” you started, your voice trembling with nerves. “If the situation absolutely requires it…”

“Hm?” He urged you to go on, his gaze not leaving your lips.

“Then I suppose it's okay…”

He didn't say anything for a moment. His face was close enough for you to feel his breath against your lips and you were almost convinced he was going to lean in and close the gap. If you were honest with yourself maybe you wanted him to.

But then he pulled back, one corner of his mouth pulled up to a crooked grin.

“Alright,” he said, letting go of your hand as if nothing had happened. “I can work with that.”

Things didn't change as much as you thought they would—mostly because Hyunggu and you barely shared classes and you tended to keep to yourself a lot in school anyway.

Though when you had lunch with Shinwon and Hui the following week they of course mentioned it to you, playfully offended that you hadn't told them sooner.

“It was just really new and we weren't really sure where things were going,” you lied half heartedly.

Shinwon sighed dramatically. “Still, I can't believe you didn't even tell us. No use crying over spilled milk but you'll have to tell us all about how it happened, y/n. I mean you hated his guts.”

Just when you realized that Hyunggu and you hadn't agreed on a backstory yet, a voice sounded from behind you.

“Hate is such a strong word, don’t you think?”

Hyunggu really had a talent for showing up out of nowhere. He set the tray with his food onto the table and sat down next to you.

“I think rather than hatred, it was a bit of anxiety. Admitting your own feelings can be pretty scary.”

 He smiled. You wanted to punch him.

“But thankfully we managed to talk things out,” Hyunggu squeezed your hand on the table. “Isn't that right, Buttercup?”

Your friends grinned at the nickname. You tried your best to look bashful instead of utterly humiliated and angry.

“Sure,” you replied, pulling your hand out of his grasp.

“No need to be so shy in front of our friends.”

You ignored him, focusing back on your food instead.

“So, since y/n isn't telling us, you'll tell us right? How the two of you got together?”

You felt Hyunggu's gaze wandering over to you, but you didn't look up. You were already feeling uncomfortable enough as it was.

“I think that's a story for another time,” Hyunggu replied in his usual charming tone. 

Relief washed over you. You really weren't in the mood to make up some lovey dovey back story, nor did you want to give Hyunggu the power to make something up by himself.

For a moment you wondered if he wasn't saying anything to be considerate. But you quickly pushed the thought aside—this was Hyunggu after all.

Thankfully your friends let it rest after that and you got back to chatting about this and that until Shinwon interrupted the ongoing conversation with a sudden Oh! as if he'd just remembered something.

“Since you're on the student council too, you’re also signed up for the weekend getaway in a few weeks, right, Hyunggu?”

“Ah, yeah, I'm going.”

“Perfect,” Shinwon continued, excitedly clapping his hands. “Changgu said we had a problem with splitting the rooms since we got some rooms with double beds—but since you're dating now you can just share right?”

You choked on the bite of food you'd just taken, coughing helplessly until Hyunggu started to gently pat your back.

This wasn't good.

You'd been sure you would already be broken up by the time the trip rolled around. But how could you say no to this without exposing this all as a fake relationship? Then again, your ex wasn't even going to be on the trip so why would you have to keep pretending there? But did you really want to tell all your friends that you were pathetic enough to fake a relationship in order to get back at your ex?

While your thoughts kept circling, Hyunggu seemed just as helpless. It wasn't often you got to see him being unsure and if the situation had been any different you surely would have found great joy in it.

“Uhm,” he finally started, throwing you a questioning glance. “I don't really—”

“Sure!” You cut him off. “No problem at all!”

You felt his surprised gaze on you but you kept your eyes focused on your friends who nodded happily.

“Perfect, I'll send a message to Changgu then!”

Soon after, your friends excused themselves to go to classes, leaving you and Hyunggu alone.

“No problem at all, eh?” He turned to you with a raised  eyebrow as soon as they were out of earshot.

“I mean—,” you stuttered. “What was I supposed to say?!”

He shrugged. “I don't know. I'm sure you could have come up with some kinda excuse.” The corners of his lips turned up into a mischievous smile. “If you really wanted to, that is. But I guess I'm just impossible to resist.”

With a roll of your eyes, you grabbed your tray and stood up to leave. Hyunggu quickly picked up his tray as well, jogging up next to you. 

“Can't believe you're trying to leave me behind, Buttercup.” He playfully nudged you in the side. 

“I already told you to stop calling me that.”

“And I already told you it suits you.”

“You're insufferable, Hyunggu.”

“That's what you like about me.”

Things weren't very eventful after that. Hyunggu was teasing you every chance he got (as he always did) and played your sweet, sweet boyfriend whenever other people were around. Somehow you got used to it so quickly, you almost started to miss his constant commentary when you were by yourself. 

Not that you would ever tell him that.

From time to time, you caught yourself blushing or your heart skipping a beat and it honestly worried you. You knew that all of this was fake. He didn't mean it when he called you his or said that he'd missed you. And his nickname for you, too, was just part of this little game.

You knew this and yet sometimes you forgot.

Even if it was fake, even if there were no feelings involved, his hand felt warm against your skin and his voice sounded like home when he called you by that stupid little nickname.

Maybe you could finally understand the fall of icarus now, because against your better knowledge you still wanted to get a little closer, you still wanted to hold his hand and his heart, knowing full well that you'd get burnt.

The weekend before the student council retreat, Hyunggu texted you to accompany him to a party. You told him that you didn't want to go. He knew you weren't usually a party person anyway, but he somehow managed to convince you, saying it would make things more believable and probably also get your ex riled up more since you'd barely gone to parties with him.

So, on Saturday evening you got yourself dressed up and waited for Hyunggu to pick you up. When he spotted you coming out of the house his face lit up, little creases forming in the corners of his eyes the way they always did when he genuinely smiled. You hated that it made your heart race.

"You're looking pretty tonight," he said, opening the door of his car for you.

In an attempt to hide your nerves you just scoffed at him, while getting into the car. “Thanks.”

Hyunggu didn't take it personally though, closing the door and then going back to the driver's seat, a light swing in his step. He seemed to be in a really good mood and you couldn't decide whether you liked or hated it.

You didn't really talk on the way to the party. Instead, he had some music on and softly sang along from time to time. It surprised you—both that he was comfortable singing in front of you as well as the realization that he was a good singer. There were so many things you didn’t know about him yet and it was terrible, really. Because with every new thing you learned, he got more charming, as if you weren't already having a hard enough time keeping up your antipathy.

Once you reached the party you were once more reminded that not only everyone knew Hyunggu but that everyone also genuinely liked him. Before you knew it he was swept away and you were left to your own devices. You shouldn't have felt hurt about it but somehow you still did.

Wasn't he the one who persuaded you to come in the first place? Even if this was fake, the least he could do was to not leave you alone the second you arrived.

Feeling a little lost, you sat down in some corner unsure what to do with yourself, when someone sat next to you.

“You good?” Changgu looked at you, a worried frown on his face.

“Uh, yeah, totally good, really.”

He didn't seem to believe you but still nodded. “You know that you can come talk to me if something is up, right?”

“Thank you, Changgu.”

“Mhm,” he hummed in reply before nipping on his drink. “To be honest it really surprised me to hear that you're dating Hyunggu now. I always thought you hated him.” He wasn't looking at you, instead his eyes were fixed on some people in the opposite corner of the room.

When you followed his gaze you spotted Hyunggu talking animatedly with some guy you hadn't seen before, maybe from a different faculty or college altogether.

You watched him for a moment. The other guy must have said something funny because Hyunggu started laughing, his hand wiping at the corners of his eyes. You knew it was too loud in the room for you to actually hear his laughter, but the sound of it still rang in your ears.

“Yeah,” you replied without averting your gaze. “I thought so too.”

That drew a small chuckle from Changgu before he bumped your shoulders together playfully. “You really got it bad, huh?”

“What?” You tore your eyes away from Hyunggu to look at Changgu instead.

“You don't?”

You couldn't really agree to that nor could you decline, so you just shrugged.

“I hope you didn't misunderstand me. You make a good couple,"” Changgu eventually added. “It's just surprising is all.”

“I don't know about that.”

“About making a good couple? Why? What's up?”

“I'm just not sure if we could work longtime. It's like we have an expiration date,” you replied and it was just a little too close to the truth.

“Hmm,” he sounded thoughtful. “I'm sure you'll figure things out.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Changgu.” 

Somehow you wanted the conversation to end, even if it was just to run away from your own feelings. You excused yourself and went to the kitchen to get yourself a drink.

It was ironic; the mere act of mixing yourself a drink in someone else's kitchen was exactly what got you into this whole mess. It somehow felt so long ago now, even though you knew it had only been a few weeks.

This time there was no ex boyfriend making out with a girl on the kitchen counter. Instead a bunch of people you'd never seen before were sitting at the table playing some kind of drinking game.

When a girl at the table caught you looking over she gave you a smile and asked if you wanted to join. You threw a brief glance through the kitchen door to see Hyunggu still immersed in conversation, so you agreed and sat down next to her. You didn't need Hyunggu to have a fun evening anyway. You could just make new friends if he didn't want to bother spending time with you.

You played a few rounds of a game that you didn't exactly grasp the rules of which also explained why you'd gotten tipsy so quickly. After another lost round you were about to drink again, when your shot glass was snatched right out of your hand.

“Hey!” you complained, tipping your head back in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the thief.

It was Hyunggu. Of course it was.

“I think you might have had enough for tonight,” he suggested, holding the glass out of your reach.

“Shut up,” you babbled. “Don't pretend like you suddenly care about me.”

“Don't say that. You know I care about you.” 

A crease appeared between his eyebrows and he looked... worried? Apologetic? Hurt? You weren't sure.

And it didn't matter either, this wasn't real. 

“Liar.”

He sighed. “I think we should drive home. Let me get your things, Buttercup.”

“Don't wanna.”

“Please?”

Reluctantly and not without a big pout on your face you gave in. “Fine.”

He told you to wait there while he left to gather your things. The girl next to you eyed you with a raised eyebrow. 

“Didn't know you were here with Hyunggu," she said once he had left. "Are you dating?”

You shrugged but she didn't seem to mind the unclear answer nor did she seem surprised.

“Buttercup, huh?” she shook her head. “Classic Hyunggu. You know, he used to call me that too.”

You weren't sure why her words hurt you so much, but they stung like a knife.

You should have known better.

But some dumb naive part of you had always felt a little special when he called you that. Because you’d thought it was a nickname he’d made up just for you.

But of course not.

It was just some dumb name he recycled from past love affairs.

You should have known better.

“You ready to go?” Hyunggu's voice pulled you out of your thoughts. 

When you turned he was standing there with a smile, holding out your bag and jacket for you. Without a word you grabbed your things and walked towards the door. You were still silent when you sat in the parking lot, waiting for him to start the car.

He reached out for the key but then halted, lowering his hand again.

“Are you angry with me?”

“No,” you replied curtly. “Why would I be?”

“Is it about leaving? Did you want to stay that much?” A crease appears between his brows. "I'm sorry."

“I told you I'm not angry.”

“But something is clearly wrong, y/n.” He sighed, running his hands through his slightly tousled hair. “Look, I know I wasn't being the best date tonight.”

“Fake date,” you corrected.

His frown just grew, and for a second you thought there was something like disappointment on his face.

“Yeah, right, fake date.” He repeated your words. “Still, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you all alone tonight.”

“I wasn't alone. I spoke with Changgu and uh-" You tried recalling the girl's name, or any of the people you played with, but you couldn't remember. Or maybe you never knew in the first place.

“I wasn't alone,” you emphasized again.

It was clear that Hyunggu didn't really know what to say. “I mean, that's good then?” It sounded unsure, like a question.

“Yeah. Can we drive home now?”

He hesitated still, his gaze lingering on you a little longer as if he wanted to say more. But then he reached for the key and started the car.

The ride home felt suffocating. He didn't turn on music he could hum along to and you didn't speak either. Both of you just kept your gaze fixed on the road until his car stopped in front of your house.

“There we are.”

“Yeah.” 

“Sorry again for tonight, y/n. I didn't mean for the evening to go like this.”

“It's whatever.” You unbuckled your seatbelt and left the car without even looking at him again.

You made your way to your doorstep and even without turning around you knew Hyunggu was still there. Only when you opened the door and disappeared inside did he start his car again to drive home himself.

He texted you later that night, telling you that he got home and that you should get a good rest.

You didn't reply.

You still hadn’t replied by the week after and you went out of your way to avoid him, disappearing immediately after the classes you had with him to avoid conversation.

Of course you knew that you weren't being fair to him.

You had no right to be angry or hurt about something that you'd known from the start, something you had specifically asked for.

And yet you felt all kinds of angry and hurt.

Maybe there'd been some truth to Hyunggu's words when he'd said you never hated him in the first place. Maybe you'd really just been scared. How unfair though, that you were the only one feeling this way, while he got to move on from this as if it was nothing.

Avoiding Hyunggu had worked out so well,  you'd gotten careless by Thursday. You'd taken your sweet time packing up after one of your classes, only leaving the room after everyone was long gone already.

When you got out, Hyunggu was waiting next to the door, immediately coming over as soon as he spotted you. He walked next to you through the hallway, not a lot of distance between the two of you.

“Don't think ignoring me will get you out of owing me that favor.” He winked, but it was clear he wasn't feeling as relaxed as he tried to make it look. 

“Sure, don't worry, you get your favor. What do you want?”

He frowned at your cold reply.

“I haven't made up my mind yet. But I think rather than that we need to talk.”

“Then talk.”

He stopped walking and when you turned around to him he almost looked angry. You'd never seen him angry before. Annoyed, sure. Disparaging too. But angry? Hyunggu wasn't the type to get angry. He was the type who kept calm, who always had the upper hand.

Somehow you didn't know how to handle him looking at you like that, so you quickly averted your gaze.

“You're being unfair, y/n.”

I know, you wanted to say but you kept quiet.

“You wanted this. You specifically came to me and asked me to help you out.” He took a small step towards you, but not enough to feel intimidating.

When you glanced up his features had softened a little. “Don't I at least deserve an explanation when you suddenly treat me like this?”

He was right. But what were you supposed to say? I don't like that our fake dating is, you know, fake?

When you stayed silent he sighed. “And what am I supposed to tell the others? That we broke up? That we didn't? How am I supposed to behave?”

Objectively speaking, it was a valid thing to wonder about. It was only natural that he'd ask this. After all, contrary to you, he was around people often and couldn't exactly avoid conversations.

But somehow your brain and your heart didn't really connect that well, at least not today.

“So that's what it's about, huh? You're worried about what to tell the others? Well, I don't care, Hyunggu, just tell them whatever the fuck you want to.”

“Come on, Buttercup, you know that's not what I meant.”

Hearing him call you by that name made you feel sick to your stomach. All you could think of was that girl and who knows how many others that he'd given the same nickname to.

“I told you to stop calling me that!” You almost yelled now, not exactly the volume appropriate for the hallways of a university building but you couldn't bring yourself to care.

With tears in your eyes you stomped off, leaving Hyunggu behind in his confusion.

When your alarm woke you up on Friday you felt miserable. For all the same reasons as the day before but also for a bunch of new ones.

After sleeping about it and giving yourself the time to calm down a bit and think the situation over, it became blatantly clear that an apology was due.

You'd known from the start that you hadn't been fair to Hyunggu, but you really took it a little too far yesterday. It was vexing that he didn't even know what you were angry about. But how could he? It wasn't his fault you caught feelings and got your hopes up for nothing.

Another reason for your miserable mood though was that your phone reminded you that the student council retreat started today.

The retreat that Hyunggu would attend as well.

The one where you were supposed to share a room.

You wanted to stay home and just skip out on this. But you also felt that not going would just make things worse between Hyunggu and you and it would also put him in the uncomfortable position of having to explain in front of the others.

So despite everything, you forced yourself out of bed and started packing your things.

All of the student council members had agreed to meet up near college beforehand and drive together from there so that you could share cars instead of everyone driving by themselves. Since you'd put off packing till the last minute,  you were already short on time and to top it off your bus was delayed too. It really wasn't your day.

You texted Shinwon about it, letting him know that you'd be running late and he told you not to worry,  someone would wait for you.

When you arrived at the parking lot you immediately recognized his car.

Really, you should have expected this outcome.

Hyunggu was leaning against his car lifting his hand in a small wave when he saw you walking over.

You remembered the way he'd smiled when he picked you up for the party and it made your heart ache that he wasn't smiling at you now.

“Hey,” he said once you reached him, his lips pressed to a thin line.

“Hey.” 

You looked around the parking lot and also glanced into his car to see if someone else was there. There wasn't.

“Sorry, it’s just me,” Hyunggu said, reaching out his hand to take your bag from you and put it into the back of his car.

You weren't sure what he was apologizing for, especially since clearly, you were the one who should be doing that.

After he put your stuff away he went around to the driver seat.

“Should we get going?”

The drive was silent again and you couldn't help missing the sound of his voice humming along to his music. Or any sound really.  You kept fidgeting with your hands, well aware that you should fix this, but it somehow felt so intimidating to speak up.

“You're making me nervous,” Hyunggu eventually said with a small glance at your hands.

“Sorry.”

You laid your hands flat onto your thighs, but you only made it so long before you started fidgeting again.

“Can you uhm- can we maybe listen to some music?” You eventually asked, hoping to at least get rid of the silence. Maybe it'd be easier to speak up once it wasn't so quiet anymore?

“Sure, you can put something on. My phone should be connected to the speakers.”

He vaguely gestured towards the center console where his phone was laying. You just stared at it helplessly, unsure if he was expecting you to just take it?

“8310.”

“Huh?”

“My code.” For a second you thought you saw a small smile on his lips.

“Ah, right.”

You picked up his phone still feeling as if you were intruding despite having his permission to do so.

You just put one of his playlists on shuffle since you hadn't anything specific in mind that you wanted to listen to and also didn’t want to search through his phone. Melodic jazz started sounding from the speakers and it helped you relax a little.

“Uhm,” you started again after a while. “I'm sorry about yesterday.”

“Hm,” He just hummed in reply, his gaze fixed on the road ahead.

“I was out of line.”

“You were.”

You anxiously bit on your lower lip, unsure what else to say. You'd hoped he'd make  things a little easier for you once you decided to apologize, but you knew you couldn't expect that from him.

“Are you going to tell me what was going on with you now?” He asked after a while.

“I was just—I think I'm just not cut out for this whole fake dating thing.”

It wasn't a lie, just not the whole truth.

“So, are we breaking up?”

You shrugged. “Maybe it's for the best? Thank you though, for playing along.”

“Mhm-hm.” He stopped the car at a red light, using the moment to look over at you. “What do you want to do about this weekend then?”

If only you knew.

Even if you broke up now, it would only make things complicated and uncomfortable for everyone else on the trip, not to mention the problem with the room.

“Maybe we can just... pretend a little longer? And end this on Monday?”

He nodded, looking away from you to focus back on the street when the traffic light turned green again. 

“Whatever you're comfortable with, B–” he cut himself off before repeating his sentence once more. “Whatever you're comfortable with.”

The rest of the drive wasn't exactly comfortable, but at least some of the tension between the two of you had eased. From time to time, Hyunggu was humming along to the songs again too, almost as if he didn't notice he was doing it himself.

Once you reached the lodging, Hyunggu was back to his usual self, meeting the others with a grin.

“The lovebirds finally arrived,” Changgu dramatically greeted both of you, as he and some others got out to help you carry the luggage and supplies. “Took you long enough.”

“We just wanted some privacy,” Hyunggu replied with a wink.

It shouldn't surprise you how good Hyunggu was at slipping in and out of roles, putting up a front as if you hadn't just broken up in the car. Then again, you supposed it probably wasn't as emotionally taxing on him as it was on you.

You weren't sure if you should be hurt about his easy acting or if you should be grateful since he prevented things from getting awkward. With mixed feelings you trudged behind the others into the house, carrying some food supplies for the weekend inside.

The student council was a pretty wild mix of people and you usually felt a little overwhelmed with how loud and chaotic it could get, but today you felt pretty grateful about it.

Everyone was in a good mood, and a bunch of them had already started drinking too so no one noticed that you and Hyunggu kept some distance between the two of you.

Hyunggu managed to make a quick witted comment whenever the conversation touched on your relationship, keeping up the pretense without actually touching or flirting with you.

Between setting things up, cooking and playing some games, the evening rolled around quicker than expected.

You'd mostly stuck to Hongseok, helping him prepare dinner and then doing dishes together with him and Wooseok after dinner.

When you went back to the living room afterwards everyone was chatting and playing games and no one noticed that you sat down far from Hyunggu who was immersed in a conversation with Hui.

Drinking, playing games and listening to everyone's rambles let you forget a bit of the tension from today, and Shinwon even managed to draw the one or the other laugh out of you with his weird jokes.

Just when he'd said something stupid again that made you almost tear up from laughing, you caught Hyunggu looking at you from the other side of the table. 

He smiled fondly, and you quickly averted your gaze, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. You hoped that the blush on your cheeks went unnoticed or at least would be blamed on the alcohol and not your emotional chaos.

After a few more rounds of drinks you found yourself getting both very tipsy and very tired, unable to keep yourself from yawning.

When you could barely keep your eyes open, Hongseok carefully nudged you in the side.

“Y/n? Do you maybe wanna go to bed?”

Your gaze instinctively wandered to Hyunggu who was immersed in conversation, before you shook your head. 

“No, no, I'm still awake,” you mumbled but it didn't sound very convincing.

Hongseok chuckled. “You don't have to force yourself just because your boyfriend is still up, you know that, right?”

Changgu overheard your conversation, asking if you were tired and wanted to sleep loudly enough for everyone to hear.

You felt a little helpless. You hadn't talked with Hyunggu about the sleeping situation again and weren't really sure how to behave. But it was true that you felt unbearably tired and now with everyone reassuring you that it was okay to sleep and some of them saying that they'd head to sleep too, you couldn't really say no.

“Just rest, y/n, it's fine. I'll come up later,” Hyunggu said with a reassuring smile.

“Okay.”

You made your way to the room Hyunggu and you  were supposed to share, quickly got yourself bed ready and slipped under the covers.

Maybe you should have been nervous about the fact that Hyunggu was going to come up later, but you were too drunk and tired to really care.

You must have fallen asleep quickly, because the next thing you knew was that you woke up from a noise in the room. Blinking your eyes, you tried to adjust to the darkness of the room. You weren't sure how much time had passed since you went upstairs, but it was quiet in the house now, except for Hyunggu rustling with his bag.

“It's me,” he whispered when he noticed you were awake. “Just keep sleeping.”

Your eyes kept closing, despite your best attempt to stay awake, and when you opened them again he was gone, probably getting bed ready in the bathroom.

He didn't come back though.

When you woke up early the next morning, you were alone, no trace of Hyunggu ever having been there, except for his open bag on the floor.

You crawled out of bed,  slipping into a hoodie before quietly making your way down the stairs to the open living room. It was quiet, everyone else probably still asleep after the long night.

You got yourself a glass of water from the kitchen when you heard a soft groaning noise from the couch. You walked over to take a look just to find Hyunggu sleeping there under a thin woolen blanket, quietly sighing in his sleep.

You felt guilty for making him sleep there and briefly wondered if maybe you should have stayed home after all, if only for his sake.

As if he'd noticed your staring, he scrunched up his face before blinking his eyes open.

“Y/n,” he mumbled, his voice still thick with sleep.

“Did you sleep here?” You whispered, worried about waking anyone else in the house.

He closed his eyes again for a moment. “Mhm.” 

“Why?”

“What, were you lonely?” A small grin tugged at his lips. 

Honestly you felt a little caught but you tried not to let on. “If anything I should have been the one sleeping on the couch.”

“I wasn't going to throw a sleeping person out of their bed. Who do you take me for, y/n?” He sat up, his hair looking tousled and sticking up a little. 

“But this really took a toll on my poor back,” he sighed dramatically while stretching his arms behind his back.

“I'm sorry.”

A mischievous grin appeared on his face. “Well, if you're that sorry, how about making coffee for everyone? I might be willing to call it even then.”

The way he teased you reminded you of the way things were before the whole fake dating thing went downhill and it made you feel a little relieved, as if you could go back to normal eventually.

The others soon woke up as well and you ate breakfast with everyone before splitting up into smaller groups to get some student council work done, the excuse for taking this trip in the first place.

After working for a while, it was decided that some people should already start making lunch. You volunteered again, but were sent to go to the supermarket instead. Apparently Hui and Changgu had underestimated the amount of food (and even more importantly drinks) you'd need for the weekend.

“Take Hyunggu along since he has a car,” Changgu suggested and you couldn't really find an excuse not to.

You weren't sure if you even wanted to come up with one.

“Good to know our friends are supportive of us getting some alone time, huh?” Hyunggu shook his head in amusement as the two of you went over to his car.

“Sorry that you have to come along.”

“No, not at all. I don't think any of them would be capable of choosing good wine and—,” he playfully eyed you up, “no offense, but I don't trust you with that either.”

You couldn't help but chuckle. “Fair point.”

You got everything from the list as well as a few things on top that you simply were in the mood for—the privilege of being the ones getting the groceries, Hyunggu reasoned.

On your way back to the house you mostly looked out the window, until you suddenly realized that the road didn't look familiar at all.

Just when you wanted to say something, Hyunggu turned right, driving  onto a lot.

“What are you doing?”

He hummed while he easily pulled into a parking spot. “I'm sure they won't mind if we come back just a little later.”

“What are you doing?” You asked again, but he ignored you.

He got out of the car, walking around to your side and opening your door for you.

“Just thought we could use some fresh air.”

You shook your head in disbelief but got out anyway.  When you looked around you realized you were in the parking lot of some kind of botanical garden.

Hyunggu got something out of the back of his car before locking up behind him and walking towards the entrance.

“You coming?” He grinned, holding out a can of coffee to you that you hadn't noticed he'd slipped into the shopping cart.

“You're insufferable,” you said but took the can from him.

He grinned, opening his own can with a plop and raising it in a small toast. “How I missed hearing you say that this past week.” 

You walked through the garden for a while, just looking around and sipping on the coffee. Despite the quiet it didn't feel uncomfortable this time. Maybe it was because Hyunggu seemed to be in a good mood, a light swing in his steps, that rubbed off on you.

Eventually, he plopped down on one of the benches in front of a pretty fontaine, tapping the space next to him for you to sit down next to him.

"”Shouldn't we get back soon? We also have the groceries in the car…”

“It will be fine,  y/n, they won't suddenly spoil just because they’re in the car for a minute or two longer.”

You hesitated for a moment but then you sat down too, enjoying the fresh breeze and the pretty view.

“I'm sorry that I made things awkward,” you mumbled after a while, not daring to look  at him.

“I don't mind things being awkward, y/n. But I'd rather be talked to openly instead of ignored out of nowhere.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Mmh-mh,” he took another sip of his coffee. “Let's not dwell on it anymore. Besides, I'm sorry too.”

You looked at him in confusion. “What are you sorry for?”

“For the party. It wasn't my proudest night.” 

“You already apologized for that.”

He ruffled through his hair and let out a long sigh. “For the nickname too, I didn't know it bothered you that much. I didn't mean to overstep.”

“No, it's not—I mean it's not your fault, I just felt a little weird to be called the same nickname as a bunch of others before me—”

Hyunggu frowned. “What do you mean?”

You swallowed. “It's stupid, because everything is fake anyway but I just got a little too in my head about it. It doesn't matter.”

“No, what do you mean with others?”

“Uh, you know. People you've dated and stuff.”

“What makes you think I used it for anyone else?”

You huffed a tired laugh. “You don't have to pretend for me, Hyunggu.”

“I'm not. Why would I call anyone else that way?”

You almost felt annoyed at him keeping up the pretense. “Hyunggu, please. That girl at the party told me.”

“Well whatever she told you wasn't true then.”

“Why would she lie?”

“I don't know.” His expression looked more like pout now. “But why would you trust her over me? You don't even know her.”

You sighed. "Does it matter? It was all fake anyway.”

“It matters to me.”

“Why?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Just, you know.” He shrugged. “You really have the worst image of me, don't you? But I'm not as insincere as you make me out to be.”

“That's kinda hard to believe.”

“You wound me, y/n,” He sighed dramatically, properly an attempt to lighten the mood again, but it didn’t come across as fun and relaxed as he’d intended.

Hyunggu didn't give you more time to wonder about it though, getting up from the bench and motioning for you to follow along.

“Maybe we should head back after all. Before we miss lunch.”

You returned to the house soon after, not without your friends teasing you about taking so long. You made it on time for lunch though so it wasn't too bad. After eating you got back into your work groups from the morning, you and Hyunggu once again not working on the same things.

Later that evening you all sat together in the living room again, chattering and drinking the night away. It was loud and chaotic as always and you found yourself genuinely happy that you didn't skip out on the retreat. It would have been sad to miss all of this.

Soon enough you felt yourself getting a little tipsy again and decided to step outside for some fresh air. What you hadn't expected though, was that Hyunggu was already outside, looking up at you in surprise when you opened the door.

“What's up?”

You shook your head, stepping outside and closing the door behind you. “Nah, nothing. Just needed to get some air. What about you?”

“Mhm, me too.” He leaned against the wall of the house, his eyes focusing  on the sky.

You followed his gaze, appreciating the amount of stars that could be seen. It was different from the sky in the city that never got truly dark.

“You know,” you mumbled after a while, and maybe it was just the alcohol that made you say the words that followed. “I actually liked it at first.”

“What do you mean?”

“The nickname. I kinda liked it.” You glanced over to find him  smiling at you.

“I like it too. As I said, it suits you.”

“Me and whom?” Your grin died on your lips when you met his serious gaze.

“Why can't you trust me on this?”

You swallowed. “I don't know. It just feels a little hard to believe after what she said and after knowing how many people you hooked up with in the past.”

“Yeah, I did. I hooked up with a lot of people in the past. Her too, like a year ago or something. But I never called her by that nickname. I never called anyone like that. Only you. I promise.”

Your mouth felt dry and you wanted to avert your eyes but at the same time you wanted to keep looking, keep holding his gaze.

“Why?” You asked, unsure what exactly you were even asking.

“You probably don't remember this, but when we first had an art class together in first semester, we were supposed to paint flowers. I wasn't sure what to go for, but then you rushed into the room, flustered because you were late on the first day. You had that butterscotch yellow sweater on and it suited you so well and you looked so bright that it stuck in my mind.” 

A nostalgic smile tugged at his lips. “So I painted buttercups that day.”

You stared at him in disbelief. You hadn't expected this kind of declaration so all you could muster was a small “Oh.”

When you wracked your brains you remembered his painting from that day. It'd left an impression on you back then because you’d liked the way he used the colors.

It was weird to think that without knowing you'd somehow been a part of this painting you’d adored.

He grinned when he saw your flustered expression. “So, do you trust me now?”

You nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“Good. Let's go back inside then, Buttercup? It's getting cold.”

He was about to open the door when you reached out to him, tugging on his sleeve.

“You know,” you mumbled, staring at your fingers that were holding onto the fabric of his sweater.

“Mhm?”

“You shouldn't sleep on the sofa again.”

He chuckled, one eyebrow raised. “Do you really think I'd let you sleep there?”

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks and hoped he didn't notice through the dark. “I mean the bed's pretty big, you know…”

“Eh?” Hyunggu looked surprised.  “Are you sure?”

“Can't have you breaking your back on the uncomfortable couch, right?”

He grinned. “Right.”

The two of you went back inside and this time you sat down next to him. In the limited space around the living room table you had to sit closely together, close enough for your thighs to touch. You tried not to think about it too much.

You also tried to ignore the way Hyunggu kept touching you more and more the later it got. Just casual touches that you knew were a habit of his; something he did with all his friends. 

But everytime Shinwon said something remotely funny, Hyunggu clung to your arm or leaned his head against your shoulder, unable to contain his laughter. There was no use reading anything into it, heck, he probably didn't even realize he was doing this. But it made your heart ache for something more, for something real.

As the evening went on, the little get-together started to thin out, one after the other going back to their rooms to call it a night. Hongseok was already passed out on the floor, the shot of soju he'd had already too much. Giggling, Changgu and Shinwon tried to maneuver him out of the living room and into his bed, accompanied by Hui who couldn't quite settle between worrying and giggling along.

Everyone else looked tired too and you also felt fatigue overcome you. Maybe you'd had a little too much to drink as well or maybe you'd gotten too used to the proximity between the two of you all evening. Either way, you leaned your head against Hyunggu's shoulder and closed your eyes for a bit, not even giving it a second thought.

“You can go ahead to sleep,” you heard Hyunggu say, probably to Wooseok and whoever else hadn't left yet. “I'll take care of the chaos and then we'll head up too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, don't worry.”

“Alright. Sleep well.”

You heard the shuffling of steps, but in your drowsy state it sounded a little distant.

When it was quiet again, you suddenly felt fingers ghosting over your temple, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Are you asleep?” Hyunggu's voice was quiet and soft, almost a whisper.

“Mhm.”

Hyunggu carefully steadied your head with his hands, before moving away from where he’d been next to you. You groaned in protest when you lost your human pillow, which was met with a chuckle. 

“Don't you think sleeping in bed would be more comfortable?”

A pout on your face, you blinked your eyes open. Hyunggu was crouching down in front of you, his hands still cupping your face. 

“Let's get you to bed, alright?”

“You said we'd clean up,” you mumbled.

“Oh, so you were awake enough to hear that, huh?” He huffed a laugh and shook his head. “I said I would clean up though. Not we. You can sleep first, Buttercup.”

“No.”

“Come on, you're tired, y/n.”

“Mh-mhm.” You shook your head but your eyes fell shut again, refuting your denial.

Hyunggu sighed but he didn't sound annoyed. “Why not? I'll come up just a little later.”

“Will you though?”

“Eh?”

“If I go to bed now,” you mumbled, taking long breaks between words. “You'll sleep on the couch again and I'll wake up all alone.”

“That's what you're worried about?” He sounded genuinely surprised but couldn't contain a chuckle. 

You frowned. “Don't make fun of me.”

“I would never.” 

His thumbs brushed over your cheek before his hands wandered to yours, pulling you up from the floor. Once again you were groaning in protest but he wasn't having any of it, helping you onto your feet. You promptly fell into his chest, but he held you steady, one arm wrapping around your waist.

“I guess cleaning can wait until tomorrow morning after all.”

You couldn't really recall how you got up the stairs but suddenly you were sitting on the bed, your pajamas in your lap while Hyunggu gathered some things from his bag and went to the door.

“You're coming back this time, right?” You weren't sure why you were so hung up on this. Maybe you could blame it on the alcohol later.

“I'm coming back, y/n. Now get changed.”

With that he left the room.

You discarded your clothes of the day on the floor, slipped into your pajamas and crawled under the blanket. 

Somehow, now that you were laying in bed, waiting for Hyunggu to come back, you were feeling awake again, wondering if this had really been the best idea.

You tossed and turned, unsure how to behave. Maybe it'd be best to pretend to be asleep already?

After a few restless minutes, you heard a faint knock on the door. “Y/n, can I come in?”

You instinctively squeezed your eyes shut, not replying. He waited a little longer before you heard the sound of the door opening and him coming into the room. You kept your eyes closed, expecting to feel the mattress dip any second. But it didn't happen. Maybe he left after all?

You blinked one eye open to sneak a peek, just to find him standing right there, staring at the bed, seemingly contemplating something. 

“What?” you asked when he still didn't move after another few seconds. There went your plan of pretending to be asleep.

“Should I get one of the woolen blankets from downstairs?”

It took you a moment to realize that there was only one big blanket. He was asking if you were okay with sharing it or not.

You swallowed, trying to ignore the pounding in your chest. “It's fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Totally.”

He laid down next to, leaving enough space for your bodies not to touch. Still, you felt the warmth radiating off him and it didn't help calm your nerves.

Hyunggu turned off the bedside lamp before he rolled around to lay on his side, facing you. Even through the dark you could see that he was looking at you, a pensive expression on his face. You returned his gaze, not daring to disturb the silence of the room. His gaze made you nervous. You couldn't read him, couldn’t tell what was going on in his head.

Eventually, you broke eye contact with a breathy chuckle. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” your question was barely a whisper, and even that felt too loud.

“Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“You.”

You almost gasped, his response catching you off guard. Heat rose to your cheeks but you tried to play it cool, pretending that his words didn't do anything to you. 

“You're so embarrassing.”

He didn't seem very impressed by your attempt at acting. 

“Says the one who kept clinging to me tonight, who begged me not to sleep on the couch.”

“I didn't beg!” you denied just a little bit too loud, earning a raised eyebrow from Hyunggu. 

“I didn't beg,” you repeated, quietly this time.

“Sure did.”

“I was worried about your back. Since you're my driver and all. Just for my own safety.”

“We have enough cars, who said you're driving back with me tomorrow?” A challenging gleam appeared in his eyes and he inched just a little closer. 

“Am I not?” You tried to make it sound cocky but your voice came out breathless.

“Hm, I don’t know.” He chuckled and you felt his breath fanning over your lips when he did. “If you beg me again I might consider driving you.”

“I already told you, I didn’t beg.”

His gaze wandered to your lips before coming back to your eyes. “Keep deluding yourself.”

You swallowed, your gaze automatically dropping to his lips. 

“I’m… not…” You trailed off, unable to focus on anything but his mouth so close to your own. If you just leaned in a little, a tiny bit—

Before you knew it, you felt his lips against yours. You weren’t sure if you’d closed the gap or if he did, but it hardly mattered. All that mattered was how sweetly he kissed you, his hands finding their way to your waist to hold you close. Hyunggu rolled over onto his back, pulling you on top of him. For a moment you looked into his dark eyes that stared right back at you and you wondered why it had taken you so long to do this. Before you could contemplate the wasted time any longer, Hyunggu leaned up to kiss you again. You sighed into his lips,  your hands wandering to his hips and pushing up the fabric of his shirt.

“Wait.” Hyunggu broke the kiss, gently prying off your hands.

“You don’t want to?” You asked, but before the question was all out you already knew the answer. Of course he didn’t. This was all fake, he wasn’t actually into you.

It was like you’d been hit in the face with the reality of the situation. You felt stupid and embarrassed and you wanted to escape.

You tried pulling your hands away, but Hyunggu held onto them.

“Hey,” he whispered softly, trying to meet your gaze.

“Let me go,” you choked out, already feeling the tears well up in your eyes.

“Y/n, look at me.”

“Let me go,” you repeated like a broken record. You flailed your arms in an attempt to get free, but he easily stopped you,  rolling both of you over and pinning your wrists to the mattress.

“Look at me,” he repeated with a little more urgency.

You shook your head, tears starting to spill out and run down your cheeks.

“Please?”

Reluctantly you obliged, raising your gaze to meet his. A soft smile tugged at his lips and he let go off your wrists to cup your face instead. His thumb brushed away the tears running down your cheeks.

“You know I’m not rejecting you, right?”

You shrugged, not quite believing his words.

“You’re drunk,” he continued. “You’re drunk and you’re tired, so I don’t think we should be doing this. But I’m not rejecting you. Okay?”

“Okay,” you choked out.

He chuckled, his thumb coming up to easen the deep crease that was still apparent between your eyebrows. “Then stop frowning like that, hm, Buttercup?”

“Just—you know—” You interrupted yourself, still feeling terribly stupid about all of this.

“Tell me.”

You shrugged again, trying to look anywhere but his face. “Got me feeling a little lonely I guess.”

“Y/n, you’re not alone.”

“Then why does it feel that way?”

“You’re not.” He leaned in, his lips brushing your temple in a soft kiss, before his lips moved onto the other side. “Even if it feels that way, I promise you're not alone.” He left another kiss on your forehead. “I’m right here.”

You sniffed. “It's easy to say that now. But this will be over tomorrow and we'll go back to being nothing.”

He frowned, but the expression was gone again in a split second, replaced with a gentle smile. 

“We don't have to be nothing, Buttercup.” He whispered, just to correct himself a moment later. “We won't be nothing.”

He let himself fall onto the mattress next to you, opening his arms for you to snuggle into. As soon as you did, they wrapped around you, his fingers drawing soft patterns onto your back. His mouth kept whispering words of reassurance and his lips kept leaving little pecks and kisses on the crown of your head. You relaxed into his embrace, feeling yourself slowly calm down and drift off to sleep.

When you woke up the next morning, you felt a little disoriented, needing a moment to remember what happened last night and to realize that you were still wrapped up in Hyunggu's arms.

You felt your face growing hot from embarrassment and tried to wriggle yourself out of his arms without waking him. But as soon as you stirred he made a small sighing noise and pulled you even closer.

“Just a little longer,” he mumbled, seemingly still half asleep. 

At a loss for words or any kind of reaction really, you just resigned for now, letting him hug you close until he'd wake up properly. If you couldn't sneak out, maybe you'd at least get the satisfaction of not being the only one feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Of course you'd forgotten to factor in Hyunggu's annoying amount of confidence. When he finally did wake up he moved back a little, looking at you with a smile that was definitely too bright for someone who'd still been asleep a minute ago.

"Hey." 

He pushed a strand of hair out of your forehead. 

"Hey."

For a while you just looked at each other, his gaze on you so fond it made your heart ache. You swallowed around the lump in your throat, trying to remind yourself that not being nothing didn't mean that you’d be a something.

Muffled noises were coming from the hallway, the sound of steps running up and down the stairs.

“Everyone's awake already,” you mumbled, trying once more to push yourself out of his embrace.

“What about it?” He asked, not letting you go.

“We should get up too. I'm sure they'll want to leave soon.”

Hyunggu shrugged. “Let them.”

“Hyunggu, please,” you complained and this time managed to wriggle yourself out of his grasp.

You slipped out of bed and made your way to the hallway, where you were met with a way too chipper Changgu.

“Guess the lovebirds overslept, huh?” Seeing your tousled, sleepy state he chuckled. “Good timing, I was just about to come wake you up.”

“Yeah, we're up now…” 

You looked around and realized that most rooms were empty already. Wooseok made his way down the stairs, his bag slung over his shoulder.

“Why is everyone in such a hurry?” You asked in confusion, earning another laugh from Changgu.

“It's almost 10:00, y/n. We wanted to leave at 9:30.”

“Oh. Fuck.”

He shrugged before ruffling your already tousled hair. 

“Don't worry about it. We already cleaned up, so just take care of your room and make sure to be out by 11.”

With that he started making his way down the stairs as well, turning around again when he was halfway down. 

“And don't forget to lock up when you go.”

“Wait, Changgu—”

But he didn't stop and soon was out of sight. 

“See you on Monday, y/n,” he shouted from downstairs. And then you heard the front door fall shut, leaving an eerie silence in the house.

You tiptoed back to your room, finding Hyunggu exactly how you'd left him, curled up in bed.

Helplessly you just stood in the door frame for a bit, until he turned around to you with a scrunched up face. 

“What's up?”

“Everyone left.”

“Mhm.” He patted the spot next to him on the mattress. “Perfect, let's sleep a little longer then.”

“We have to be out in an hour.”

He groaned but pulled back the blanket and sat up. “You're such a spoilsport, y/n.”

The two of you got ready to go, cleaning up your room and packing up your things. Just as Changgu had said, the kitchen and living room were already all cleaned up and it made you feel a little guilty—especially since Hyunggu had promised to clean yesterday.

Hyunggu didn't seem to struggle with the same pricks of conscience; he was in a good mood, humming softly the whole time.

After loading his car, he checked the front door, making sure it was locked properly, before plopping down on the driver's seat of his car.

Since you hadn't had any breakfast yet, the two of you stopped for a coffee along the ride. Hyunggu had asked if you wanted to sit down to eat somewhere, but you'd declined in favor of getting home more quickly. Or maybe just to keep yourself from getting more delusional.

So, Hyunggu pulled into the parking lot of a café and quickly hopped in while you waited in the car for him to come back.

He soon returned with the coffee and two croissants for the both of you, handing them to you when he got back into the car.

“Sorry, not the most copious breakfast, but better than nothing.”

You laughed dryly. “It's fine Hyunggu. It's not like this is a date or anything. I'm not your girlfriend anymore, remember?”

He looked taken aback for a moment, before he turned away from you to start the motor. 

“Right.”

You wondered if you'd said something wrong, because his good mood from before seemed to be washed away. Instead, you were once again stuck in a silent car together, feeling tense and anxious. The rest of the ride was quiet, except for the music coming from the speakers. He didn't hum along.

You silently sipped on your coffee and munched on your croissant, well aware Hyunggu left his own breakfast untouched but not daring to speak up about it.

When you reached your house he turned off the motor, the music stopping as well.

You didn't move, feeling uneasy to leave things like this.

“Uhm, thanks for the ride,” you mumbled after a while, your gaze focused on your hands.

“Sure.” He unbuckled his seatbelt. “I'll help you get your things.”

“It's fine, I can do it.”

But Hyunggu had already gotten out of the car.

You trailed behind, watching helplessly as he got your bag out and walked towards your house. He stopped in front of the door, a bit to the side to give you the space to unlock it.

But you didn't move, too afraid that opening the door meant leaving things like this.

“Forgot your keys?” He asked after a while.

You shook your head, reluctantly fishing them from your pocket. Right before putting the key into the lock  you stopped, turning around to face him.

“I'm sorry,” you blurted out.

He huffed a tired laugh. “What for?”

“I don't know... Just—I feel like I said something wrong.”

“It's not that. I just misunderstood your intentions. But it's fine, really.”

He held out your bag for you to take but you just stared at him, searching for something in his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn't matter, y/n. Don't worry about it.”

You swallowed around the lump inside your throat and finally took the bag from him. He raised his hand in a small wave before turning around and walking to his car, leaving you feeling anxious.

You couldn't shake the uneasy feeling for the rest of the day. You considered texting him but maybe he needed some space?

Unable to calm your nerves, you went to bed early, hoping to shut your thoughts out.  But it wasn't working, not when your bed felt so lonely and cold now that you had to sleep alone. It was ridiculous to feel that way; it'd only been one night. But his arms around you had been so warm, so comforting that you already missed them. You tossed and turned for hours, and when sleep finally found you the sun had already started to rise again.

The next day you were tired and miserable, your mind wandering back to Hyunggu and your cold farewell from yesterday the second you woke up.

You wanted to skip college, not really in the mood to deal with people right now. But in the hopes of meeting Hyunggu and being able to clear things up, you dragged yourself out of bed and got ready.

To your surprise though, Hyunggu wasn't in the class you shared and you also didn't see him in the cafeteria. You knew you could ask your friends if they'd seen him but you weren't really in the mood to answer any of their questions.

Maybe his skipping class had nothing to do with you at all, but your gut feeling told you he was avoiding you. It hurt.

You briefly wondered if that was how Hyunggu had felt when you’d ignored him after the party. Maybe this was karma.

You weren't feeling too optimistic, but you still decided to check the atelier, hoping that maybe Hyunggu would be there. To your surprise he really was, sitting in front of an easel and working on a painting. He didn’t even look up when you entered the room and closed the door behind you.

“Hyunggu.”

He glanced over but immediately turned his focus back to his brush. 

“Hey,” he replied curtly, letting the room fall silent again.

“Can we talk?”

“I'm kinda busy right now.” He gestured at his painting. “The deadline is soon.”

You knew it was a lie but you nodded anyway, stepping a little further into the room.

“Then maybe we could have a coffee this weekend—”

“Y/n,” He sighed, setting the brush aside to look at you. “Just give me some time, alright?”

You swallowed, unsure what to say.

Of course, you should give him the space he needed. But it just felt so unsettling. It felt like you'd lose him if you didn't hold onto him now.

"I'm sorry," you said, surprised by how choked up your own voice sounded. “It's just—” 

You took a deep breath. “You said we won't be nothing. But why does it feel that way now?”

“I thought you hated my guts anyway.”

You weren't sure if it was supposed to be a joke or not. It didn't sound like one.

“Hate is such a strong word.”

A tired laugh slipped past his lips. “You got me there.”

You started to get frustrated, unsure how to fix this. It almost felt as if your words didn't matter at all, as if they didn't reach him anyway.

Tears started gathering in your eyes but you tried your best not to cry.

“So can we just—” 

You interrupted yourself, not confident to keep from crying if you continued. It wasn't fair that things were like this. You hadn't meant for things to turn out this way.

“I miss you,” you eventually blurted out and with it your tears started to spill. You didn't care anymore, letting them run down your cheeks. 

“It's only been a day but I already miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss being with you. I don't want us to be nothing.”

Hyunggu's gaze immediately softened and he stood up to walk over to you. He reached out his hands, gently cupping your face and wiping your tears away.

“I got it,” he whispered and he looked so in pain, as if seeing you like this made his heart ache just as much as yours. “I got it. We won't be nothing. So don't cry, Buttercup.”

“I'm sorry,” you choked out between sobs. “I'm sorry if I said something wrong. I'm sorry if I hurt you.”

He hummed in reply, pulling you against his chest. “It's okay already. Don't worry.”

He drew soft patterns onto your back to calm you, just like he did that last night on the trip. You weren't sure for how long you stood there, but the whole time he held you close, patiently waiting for you to calm down.

When you finally calmed down a bit, you knew you should probably let go of him. But you didn't want to leave his embrace, not when it felt so warm and comforting. He must have noticed that you'd stopped crying, but he didn't let go either, his fingers still running over your back.

“Should I drive you home?” He asked eventually.

You nodded and reluctantly peeled yourself out of his arms. “Thank you.”

“Let me just gather my things real quick, hm?”

He packed up his equipment and then slung his bag over his shoulder.

“Let's go?”

Before you could reply he just took your hand and pulled you along, out of the atelier and then out of the building to the parking lots. You kept your eyes on the ground, feeling self conscious both about your tear stained face and the fact that Hyunggu was holding your hand.

Of course the latter didn't make a lot of sense, not when all your friends thought you were dating anyway, but you couldn't help it.

The ride home was quiet again, but it was a different quiet. It wasn't filled with the uncomfortable tension from before. He wasn't angry or cold, he was just calm.

Nevertheless, you felt a little nervous. Of course you were relieved that you somehow managed to patch things up between the two of you, but you weren't entirely sure what all of this meant. The whole fake dating thing was supposed to be over, but the way he'd treated you didn't exactly seem platonic—or were you just reading too much into this? Was he just being nice? Hyunggu was an affectionate person by nature after all, maybe he just wanted to comfort you as a friend.

“We're here,” Hyunggu said once you’d reached your house.

“We're here,” you repeated but you didn't move. You didn't want to part yet but you also didn't have a good excuse to stay.

For a moment you sat in silence, before Hyunggu spoke up again.

“Should I help you with your things?”

You glanced at your things: a small backpack you'd put between your feet and your coat that laid in your lap. There wasn't really anything to help with, you knew that and Hyunggu knew it too.

You looked back up at him. 

“Sure.”

Both of you got out of his car and he slung your backpack over his shoulder as you made your way to the door. The scene felt familiar, him carrying your bag and all. You didn't want to end it the same way though, you didn't want him to leave again.

After unlocking your door, you turned around to him before pushing it open. 

“Uhm, do you want to come in for a coffee?”

The moment you asked he broke into a bright smile that made your heart race.

"I'd love to."

You felt a little self-conscious about letting him into your flat—you hadn't specifically cleaned up and while it wasn't a complete mess it also wasn't particularly tidy either.

Hyunggu didn't seem to mind. He looked around with curious eyes, taking in the way you decorated your home without being too nosy.

“Sorry I didn't—it's a little chaotic,” you mumbled watching him.

“No, don't be, I like your home.” He smiled. “It's comfortable.”

Maybe he was just being polite, but somehow it made your heart flutter to hear him say that. 

After you were done making coffee, you moved to your living room and sat on the couch. The two of you talked a bit, all the while sipping on your coffee. There wasn’t any particular topic, you talked about this and that, from college or your friends to one of the paintings on your wall that Hyunggu commented on. Despite the random topics, it felt easy and comfortable. You were so used to the endless banter between the two of you, it was nice to  know you could talk to each other casually —without any teasing. Without any crying too.

You tried to drink your coffee slowly, knowing full well that once the two of you had emptied your cups there was no reason for Hyunggu to stay any longer. Hyunggu took his time as well, purposely or not, but eventually you were done; two empty cups on your coffee table.

Hyunggu looked at them pensively, then glanced at his watch.

You knew what was coming.

You didn't want him to leave.

He turned to you. “Maybe I should—”

“Do you want to watch a movie?” You blurted out, interrupting him.

He almost looked relieved. “Yeah.”

You put on a random movie that Netflix recommended to you and it wasn't as bad as you would have expected. From time to time either of you commented on something that made the other giggle. You'd noticed this before, especially when your other friends were around, but it was easy to make Hyunggu laugh. And god, were you thankful for that. You loved the sound of it and you loved the little creases that would form in the corners of his eyes and how he’d push out his chin.

When the movie was almost over your stomach decided it was a good moment to ask for attention.

Hyunggu grinned. “Am I keeping you from having dinner, Buttercup?”

You shrugged, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. “I didn't have a lot for lunch,” you explained, embarrassed.

“Should we order something? That is, if you don't mind having me around for dinner?”

“Let's order.”

The food hadn't arrived yet when the movie ended, so you started another one that you continued after the food came.

Hyunggu was more relaxed with you again. It showed in his laughter and in the way his hand kept finding your arm or your thigh, casually touching you as he spoke.

It wasn't that you didn't know this side of him—you'd seen it plenty when you all hung out with your friends. But it'd never been this way when it was just the two of you; he'd never let his guard down like this with you before. It made your heart yearn for more. You wanted to be able to always have this, not just tonight.

“It's gotten pretty late, huh?” Hyunggu commented eventually—your dinner long eaten and the end credits rolling over your TV screen.

You swallowed. “I guess so.”

“Should I—,” he hesitated. “Maybe it's time for me to go?”

No, you thought. “Maybe,” you replied. 

For a moment it was quiet, neither of you saying anything. You just looked at each other, as if both of you waited for the other to make a move.

You swallowed again, your heart racing like crazy under his gaze. “Is it bad if I don't want you to go?”

A soft smile played on his lips. “Is it bad if I don’t want to go?”

“Not at all.”

The two of you started another movie, but you got unbearably tired before the movie was even halfway through. When your eyes involuntarily closed once more, Hyunggu chuckled softly.

“Maybe we should call it a day?”

You nodded, turning off the movie and standing up to go to the bedroom. Hyunggu followed you to the hallway, but from there he stopped, looking a little unsure, his eyes wandering between you and his shoes that were sitting close to the entrance.

You looked at him with a sleepy frown. "You're not coming?"

“No, uh, sure.” He cocked his head from one side to the other and you wondered if it was a nervous habit of his.

You got bed ready—as best as you could with Hyunggu not having anything with him—before you settled into your bed. There was a polite distance between the two of you and it made you feel a little lonely and unsatisfied but you didn't know what to do to fix it.

After staring at the ceiling for a while you turned around, examining his side profile through the dark.

"Hyunggu?" you mumbled eventually, your voice trembling with nerves.

He turned around to face you. "Mhm?" 

You took your time with saying anything else, unsure what it even was you wanted to say. Hyunggu didn't rush you though, he just looked at you attentively, waiting for you to go on.

Your gaze kept flickering, unable to hold eye contact but also not capable of looking away for good. 

“I'm cold.”

You thought you saw a soft smile on his face when he opened his arms for you to snuggle into.

You looked up at him through the darkness, your faces mere inches apart. He looked right back, holding your gaze.

“I like when you look at me like that,” he whispered, not breaking eye contact.

“Like what?”

“Like that.” You felt his lips grazing yours, just the ghost of a touch, before he pulled away again, his eyes searching yours for consent.

In a silent reply, you leaned in to close the gap. Your lips moved together, gently at first but then more and more greedily. It hadn’t been long since you’d kissed him, but doing it now made you realize how much you’d been longing to do it again. 

He pulled you close, one hand cupping your jaw while the other found its way to your hip, grazing the skin underneath your shirt.

“I’m not drunk now,” you whispered against his lips, your fingers tugging at the waistband of his underwear.

He pulled away and for a brief second you were overcome with a sense of deja vu, the fear of getting rejected rushing through you again.

But he didn’t go far, his hand still cupping your face when he replied. “And tomorrow?”

“What about tomorrow?”

“Will you let me take you on a date then?” His lips briefly grazed yours before he continued. “Or will we be nothing again?”

Your heart was racing in your chest like crazy. You nodded hastily. “Yeah. No.”

“Which one is it?”

“No, you can. You can. Take me on a date.” You felt him smile against your lips before he kissed you again. “Okay.” 

Hyunggu didn’t stop kissing you, not even when he rolled over, bracing himself up on one arm to hover above you. His fingers wandered underneath the fabric of your shirt, grazing your skin with featherlight touches that left goosebumps in their wake. You sighed into his lips which just egged him on more, if the way his fingers got bolder was anything to go by. He pushed up your shirt until the fabric was bunching over your collar bones, most of your upper body exposed to him. He grinned mischievously, pressing a kiss onto the corner of your mouth, before his lips traveled down your jaw to your bare chest. While his mouth kept teasing your skin, his hand moved on to your shorts, softly tugging at the waistband.

“This okay?” he mumbled into your skin.

When you nodded, he dipped his fingers into your pants. A small gasp escaped your lips when you felt him touching you through the thin material of your underwear. Your hands instinctively moved to his shoulders.

"Off," you complained, tugging on the fabric of his shirt. "I wanna touch you too."

Hyunggu lifted his head to look at you, something like surprise in his eyes that quickly gave way to a soft smile.

"Then I shouldn't stop you, hm?"

He left a small peck on your cheek before sitting up and slipping out of his shirt and tossing it aside. The fabric had barely hit the ground when you pulled him in again. You kissed him, your hands running over the expanse of his back, marveling at the feeling of his warm skin against your own.

"Better?" He mumbled into your lips and you could hear the grin in his voice.

"Much better."

Your hands traveled over his skin to his hips, sneaking into his boxer briefs. He let out a soft sigh when you touched him and you couldn’t help wanting to hear more of his voice. You moved your hands experimentally, in awe of his little gasps and moans.

Suddenly, his fingers clasped onto yours, making you halt in your movements.

“Let me take care of you first,” he whispered, his breathing slightly erratic.

“But I don’t want to be the only one enjoying this.” You almost pouted a little and it drew a breathy chuckle from him.

“Oh, I’m enjoying this plenty; don’t worry, Buttercup.”

His hand once more found its way to the waistband of your shorts, hooking one finger underneath and letting it snap back onto your skin.

“Should we get rid of these?”

You nodded, as your hands impatiently moved to help him take them off, pushing your underwear down as well. Hyunggu pulled them all the way down, gently lifting your legs to remove them completely. Before he set your legs back down onto the mattress, he left gentle pecks on your ankles and then your knees, as he crawled up between them. His lips continued their path, leaving a trail of kisses on your inner thigh. Once he’d reached his destination, he looked up at you with round eyes.

“May I?” 

You swallowed, anticipation rushing through your body. “Yeah.”

A smile spread on his lips. His hands took hold of your thighs, gently urging them to open a little more and give him access. Just feeling his breath against your skin already made you shudder, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of his mouth on you. He made you fall apart so easily, his every move making you tremble. Your hands clung to his shoulders, instinctively trying to pull him in more as you felt the knot starting to build in your lower stomach. 

“Feels good,” you babbled thoughtlessly, followed by a string of moans.

Hyunggu pulled away to meet your gaze, his hand taking the place of his mouth to keep you on edge. 

“You close, Buttercup?”

You barely managed to breathe out a reply, unable to focus on anything but the way he touched you. He pecked your thigh once more, before moving in again, his tongue and lips getting back to work. It was all you could do to hold onto him as he sent you over the edge. Your fingers clung to his shoulders, as he helped you ride out your high, probably leaving scratch marks in their wake, but you were too far gone to notice. 

Once you’d come down a little, he scooted back up to look at you. His eyes were so full of awe, gazing at you as if you were the most beautiful thing in the world and for the moment you could almost believe it yourself.

When he still didn’t avert his gaze nor say anything after a few seconds, you self-consciously turned your head away.

“No, don’t,” he whispered softly, cupping your jaw to make you face him again. “Let me look at you.”

You let out a timid laugh. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Yeah.” He pecked your cheek. “It is.”

You wanted to complain, but he was looking at you with such a gentle expression, you couldn’t bring yourself to.

“But it’s okay,” he continued. “You’re safe with me.”

When you woke up, you were still wrapped up in Hyunggu’s arms. You instinctively snuggled a little closer which was met with a warm chuckle.

Still sleepy, you raised your head to look at him. Hyunggu was already awake, watching you with fond eyes.

“"Did you sleep well?”

You made an affirmative noise before you tucked yourself back into his chest.

“We should get ready for classes.”

You shook your head. 

“You want to skip, Buttercup?”

“Just for today.” 

You didn't want to let him go yet, you needed to stay in his warm embrace as long as possible.

“And people say I'm the bad influence.” Hyunggu huffed a laugh but his arms pulled you closer, one of his hands running over your back.

You must have drifted off to sleep again, because the next time you blinked your eyes open, you were laying on Hyunggu's chest, one of his arms loosely on your back while your own arm was slung around his waist. Hyunggu had fallen asleep again too, his breathing coming in even puffs. 

You gazed at his sleeping form, taking in every little detail of his face, from his full lips to his dark lashes. He was beautiful.

Without giving it much thought, your fingers ghosted over his skin, moving from one faint mole to the next. You'd never noticed that he had so many. Of course you had seen the one below his eye, but there was another one on his cheek, the tip of his nose, under his mouth, on his lip—

“What are you doing?”

Hyunggu looked at you through sleepy eyes. Before you could draw back your hand, his fingers wrapped around it and pulled it to his chest.

“Hmm?” He raised an eyebrow when you still didn't reply.

You averted your eyes, heat tingling under your skin. 

“Just,” you shrugged. “You have a lot of birthmarks.”

“You don't like them?”

“I do. They are pretty.”

He broke into a smile, little creases forming in the corners of his eyes. You thought you could get used to this sight in the morning.

Hyunggu rolled over to his side, his face incredibly close to your own.

“You know what else is pretty?” He whispered, his gaze not leaving you. 

“Your eyes,” he whispered with a charming grin, leaving a peck on the corner of your eye. “And your nose,” he continued, leaving a peck there too.

“And your lips.” He cupped your face to kiss you and you couldn’t help giggling into it.

He pulled away, eyeing you fondly. “But you know what’s the prettiest?”

“Hm?”

“The way you look at me,” he pecked your lips again. “That's the prettiest.”

“You said that yesterday. How do I look at you?”

“As if you're in love with me.”

You felt your breathing catch in your throat. You’d understood the meaning behind yesterday’s words, but you hadn’t expected him to address the matter so easily.

“Are you not?” He asked, when you stayed silent.

“I—No—”

“No?”

You blinked at him slowly, unsure what to say, too scared to just put the answer out there.

“Do you want me to make it easier for you?” Hyunggu whispered against your lips. He didn’t wait for your reply before he continued. “I am. I’m in love with you, y/n.”

You felt as if your heart was going to burst. You stared at him with wide eyes and he just looked back at you with a gentle expression.

“So?” He asked, the word tickling on your skin.

“Yeah,” you breathed. “Me too.”

He kissed you again then, a happy smile on his lips.

“I made up my mind,” he mumbled after a while, both of you still cuddled up in your bed.

“What do you mean?”

He turned his head to look at you. “The favor. I know what I want now.”

“So what do you want?”

“A date. A proper one.”

“Didn’t we already agree on that yesterday?”

“Better to pin you down on it.”

“Pin me down then.”

“Is that a challenge?” He raised an eyebrow. “Or an invitation?”

You shrugged, unable to contain a giggle. “Try and find out?”

He didn’t need to be told twice. In a swift movement he flipped you over, his hands pinning your wrists to the mattress.

“Either way,” he mumbled against your lips with a smug grin. “Seems like I won.”

You grinned back before you leaned up to kiss him. “I guess so.” 

Masterlist

[otakusheep15]

Hello! May I request a match up for Obey Me please?

She/her pronouns

Bisexual leaning towards male

Positive traits: quiet sometimes, obedient, patient, helpful, kind-hearted, sweet, affectionate, reliable, loyal, understanding, empathetic and (apparently) smart

Negative traits: self-deprecating, almost 0 ego & self-confidence, self-doubting, anxious, worry & stress easily, bottling up emotions, slow thinker, gullible, naïve at times

Hobbies: reading, playing badminton, crafting from time to time, manga & anime

Characters I specifically do NOT want to be matched with: Mammon, Beel, Belphegor, Diavolo, Simeon, and Luke

Extra things to my traits: I probably overthink under pressure. I cry easily out of frustration, so I don’t really express my anger because I hate yelling and I would rather stay silent than hurt someone with words. I am sensitive which means I’ll also easily cry if someone I respect or admire starts yelling at me. I bottle up my emotions because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone (like my friend cried when I told her a few things… I refuse to share more with anyone else close to me T^T) It’s hard for me to believe when my friends say I’m smart because it doesn’t reflect academically (although it could be because most of them lean towards arts and humanities while I lean towards sciences). I enjoy studying chemistry! I prefer to follow rather than lead because I associate it with taking risks which I absolutely avoid at all costs if I can. Also because I’d rather follow rules and not get into trouble. I tend to be ‘invisible’ to attract the least amount of attention, because I despise being in the spotlight. I apologise too much even if something might not be my mistake, because I want to avoid conflict at all costs. When it comes to love, I tend to give my whole heart into the relationship, which would explain my loyalty. I have been feeling this laziness for a few years, but my friends believe it might be depression according to my situation.

Thank you so much, have a lovely day/night and please take care!

Hi, we are literally the same person. I relate to most of this on a personal level lol.

Anyways, I would match you with Leviathan!

I think the two of you would get along really well, as you have quite a bit in common. You're both pretty quiet, so you could just relax and enjoy each other's company without the need for conversation. Your patience and kindness would be a huge plus in the beginnings of your relationship, as Levi would be quite slow to open up. It would take him some time, but with your help, he'd get there eventually. Once he does, he's very affectionate and loving, if a bit nervous. The both of you are also very loyal to each other which is something he values a lot.

Both you and Levi also have a lot of negative traits in common. You're both very self-deprecating and anxious, but I actually think this would work out quite well. For as self-deprecating as Levi is towards himself, he would do anything within his power to hype you up. He is your biggest fan and number one support system. In the same way, I can see him starting to treat himself better, especially if he has you helping him. If you're ever stressed out, his room is a sensory safe haven. The cool lighting helps relax you immediately, and he has so many pillows and blankets to get comfy in. His room also has a lot of distractions if you need a brain break, and he's more than happy to share them with you.

Badminton is definitely not a hobby Leviathan enjoys participating in, but you better believe he is, once again, your biggest hype man. Whether you just play for fun or you're seriously competing, Levi is right there to cheer you on from the stands. If he wasn't so anxious about drawing attention, he'd probably make a sign and everything. Other than that, you both have pretty similar hobbies. Levi only really reads manga and light novels, but he's not opposed to regular books if you have any recommendations for him. He'll read anything you recommend, trust me. He also loves art, especially drawing. Craft dates would be very fun for the two of you, especially if you happen to enjoy the same mediums. Obviously, he also loves anime and manga. A lot of your time spent together is in his room watching anime. he also lends you his manga collection since he trusts you to take care of it.

And, look, you and Levi have a lot in common. I usually match him with people I think have a similar vibe. I also think he would be surprisingly good at helping you overcome a lot of your more "negative" traits. As much as Leviathan looks down on himself, he would not feel the same way about you, regardless of how similar y'all may be. If you're feeling insecure, Levi is right there to hype you up. If you need to vent or talk about something, he will listen to you without any judgement. He'll also give you honest advice if you ask for it. He would encourage you to open up to him because you make him want to open up as well. You make him better whether you realize it or not, and he wants to return the favor. Of course, he would never force you out of your comfort zone, as he knows how horrible that can feel if you aren't ready, but he wants to help you like you help him. Your relationship would be all about mutual growth and assurance, and not a day goes by where he doesn't encourage you to be your best self.

Rules for matchups

[archivalofsins]

This is proably going to be rude and petty as hell. Hence why it's not going in the tag but-

I love how some of the reaction to the information from Deep Cover has been people just want to frame her in a bad light without considering or even attempting to analyze the reasons behind her behavior. As though these same individuals weren't literally just harassing people for analyzing her character in ways they did not like.

Yet, now, they're asking for people to analyze her more to find out what?

What people were able to fucking discern from her previous statements regarding children before she just blatantly said she jumps kids?

20/06/18 Amane: Thank you very much for teaching me. ……but, though I realise it’s strange me saying this after I asked you, I must admit it’s kind of unexpected. You give off the impression of someone who wouldn’t want to get involved in things like this. Kotoko: ……well, you’re not wrong. I’m surrounded by people who could all be murderers, so I don’t plan on going out of my way to talk and make friends. I can’t let my guard down. But I like ambitious people like you. If you want to study more, then I’m happy to teach. Amane: I see…… You look scary at first impression, but I quite like the way you treat everyone equally regardless of whether they’re older or younger than you. You don’t just treat me like a child or anything like that. Kotoko: Treat you like a child? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding. Back when I was your age, I was already the person I am today. I don’t have any plans to let you get away with something just “because you’re a child.” ……remember that. There, I’ve finished marking. 83%. How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.

The fuck- How does that make any sense? What are people supposed to analyze? Shit that isn't there?

I can look at a cube for several hours but that's not going to make it a sphere.

Get the fuck out of here. Like no it is not okay to go crying about nuance now when it's convenient to a character you like while ignoring it in Amane's case. All while people who do take the time to analyze these things and take them seriously get continually harrassed for doing so in ways that frame prisoners too negatively. Yet, now that the negative part has been blurted out for all to see we need analysis.

No, people just need someone to find a reason why she's still redeemable. As I've been saying and will continue to say if your forgiveness is contingent upon someone being a good person who you can morally agree with that is not forgives that is just an agreement. That is just a deal.

By forgiving for that reason one is going I expect this other person to behave in ways that will be pleasing to me so I think what they did is fine. Something that only leaves room for disappointment when that person does not turn out to be as moral as one believed them to be.

Add to this that others have been continually harassing people within this community that theorize about characters in a way they personally don't find appealing or see as framing them too negatively. Like yeah no one wants to analyze her. Yeah people are happy she just went on her voice drama and said the quiet part out loud again for the people in the back that didn't hear her when she said it in 2020.

That ship has sailed it's left the harbor because-

"Kotoko isn't a real person, she doesn't actually have thoughts and feelings. Come on; it's not as serious as you're making it. Of course, she's going to be reduced to being violent when she acts violent. She's just two dimensional after all. I mean did you hear her in Mikoto's voice drama when she attacked him? Did you hear her new voice drama?! Or see what happened to the prisoners she admits to attacking during the intermission-"

"Amane aside she even threatened Mikoto and Kazui too."

22/08/05 (Kazui’s Birthday) Kotoko: ……Mukuhara Kazui. Thanks to you, I wasn’t able to properly serve justice to those who did something unforgivable. I’m currently acting as an agent for our prison guard Es. Don’t get in my way next time. Kazui: Oi oi, don’t be silly, Yuzuriha-chan. There’s no way I could just look away from your outrageous display of violence. Anyway, even disregarding the fact violence against those voted guilty isn’t a part of Milgram’s system, what you’re doing is just acting recklessly based on a broad interpretation. As long as I’m free myself, I’ll stop you. Kotoko: ……what a pointless argument. Hmph. Since Es forgives you, I have no choice but to forgive you myself too. If you're to keep to your word, then you’d best do what you can to keep being forgiven. If you’re not, then next time you’ll be one of my targets. Kazui: Oh, how scary. That girl truly is frightening. ……well then, I wonder what the guard will decide to do with me. That’s the one thing I really can’t make out. Honestly…… 22/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday) Mikoto: Ah, Koto-chan. It’s been a while. Both of us have kinda split off from the group, but how’ve things been? A lot’s happened, but fr now let’s try to get along. I mean, it’s your birthday today, right? I got the feeling nobody else was going to do anything, so I came to celebrate. Kotoko: ……how carefree. It doesn’t matter, a villain like you won’t be forgiven next time either. And when that time comes, it’ll be the end for you. I’ll make sure of it myself. Mikoto: Ahh?? Just try and do it, you nutjob. I’ll crush anyone who hurts me…… You’re gonna be totally beaten at your own game……![TN: The word “me” here uses first person pronoun “boku”.] Kotoko: Hm. The border between the two is getting a lot vaguer. Your entire existence is a crime. And I will see you’re punished for it. That is what Milgram, and Es, and I have chosen.

"I mean she's even heavily armed."

"We've gotta think about safety- Right~?"

People should keep the energy they gave in mind before it gets returned to sender.

I don't want to see anyone asking for nuance now that was behaving the way I saw before when it came to other trials. It's not that serious it's all in good fun, my verdict doesn't say anything about me, keep that energy. Then on top of that don't expect people you've consistently met with hostility and disrespect to make your case for you when you need it.

Just because it would be helpful for the characters you favor. Literally no one wants to analyze her because some people within this fandom have made analyzing Milgram feel like a wholly unsafe thing to do. The people who like Kotoko's character regardless of her flaws have something that none of the others who favored the prisoners before this point did-

A full month before her music video releases and her trial starts to figure out how to explain this behavior. I say let them figure it out. However, people claiming no one wants to look at Kotoko's situation with nuance are either being disingenious or haven't seen the constant bullshit people who analyze these characters actually go through.

For people like that I only have one thing to say,

Do it yourselves then. It's a lot of work, it's thankless, but analyzing things is fun. Exploring the media one enjoys and figuring out why they enjoy it is fulfilling. Not only that it's something anyone can do. Be the nuance you want to see instead of complaining about people not giving you the answers you want to hear.

Because again I can look at a cube for several hours but that is not going to make it a sphere.

[dearestsilhouette]

vent rant

mAN why do i feel guilty

I had a really good day today, got shit done, yet I feel guilty over saying “please don’t call me best friend”. Just 6 simple words are making me feel guilty for, what, sticking up for myself? Saying I’m uncomfortable with being called that by someone I don’t really like??

Oh, yeah, and I hate two people whose names are similar to mine!! One’s a fucking homophobe AND transphobe, the other one I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. And they’re both Christians. Nothing bad about being Christian, but they’re the “get Jesus and repent” kind. Man, I don’t know if I have religious trauma or what but I actually despise religious talk. Makes me wanna cry. I was in elementary when I was first shamed for believing in no god. ELEMENTARY. I was younger. Less mature. Less understanding of the world. And yet a fucking adult shamed me for believing in what I wanted. A full grown adult.

And now I’m put into a school full of Christians. And I’m the probably only atheist here. There may be one more but I’m not sure. But I feel like the only one. Luckily, I know someone who respects people who are gay and is Christian and doesn’t pressure it onto me 24/7. Because I hate people like that. I hate the person sitting next to me in TSA because they believe that gayness and being trans is wrong.

I hate the people sitting at the table next to me in ela because they’re so stupid and so immature. I hate my classmates in gateway because they’re so stupid to the point where they don’t know what basic reproduction is. They’re so fucking stupid. I hate them so much. I hate them. I hate my health class because people don’t ever listen or do anything except one person, and the people to the right of where I sit, except for one person because she’s actually smart, just don’t care. They don’t care about others. I hate the person who sits a bit ahead of me in health because they think my anger is funny. I hate everyone and anyone who thinks my anger is genuinely amusing. I hate it when people say “I understand you” and yet they don’t.

I hate everyone who says that. I hate anyone who says basic, negative human emotions are funny. How would you feel??? How would you feel if you were angry and people were laughing at you? How would you feel if people were pressuring something on you that you don’t believe in? How would you feel, hm? How would you feel if you were so emotional to the point where you isolate yourself for hours on end without other people’s voices and touch while you have a breakdown? How would you feel? And be honest, people! How would you feel?

People don’t understand. They don’t understand my brain. How I function. Funny how the only person who’s super super close to me (aka my mom) doesn’t understand my feelings. And yet people who I don’t interact as much with, such as one of my friends who’s present online but also an irl friend, understands me more than anything. Funny how my online friends get me more than my parents. My mom doesn’t understand anything. She says she’s the same way and yet she’s not. She’s compared sitting and standing once, saying they’re the same thing. /srs

I think my mom’s dense because they are, in fact, nkt the same thing. And I hate when she says “would you do this in class?”, because, NO. I WOULD NOT. But I’m doing it here, because it’s a non-public space, and no one can see me but myself, my brother and you. And I hate my dad, too. I don’t like him. I love my parents, but I don’t like my dad too much. I hate him more than I love him. He doesn’t believe someone can go by they/them pronouns, and as someone who prefers it when people refer to me with they/them online and partially irl, it makes me want to sob. He makes me feel like I’m pressured to shave. He doesn’t let me have headphones or my tablet at the table because he wants to “have a family dinner / lunch”. I wish you weren’t my dad sometimes. Because I don’t like you.

I feel like I’m too emotional. I cry too easily. I get angry too easily. And it doesn’t make it easier that I pressure myself. I pressure myself to get stuff done sometimes. I hate this. I hate my brain. Why must I do this to myself. And the only way I can relieve this hatred and sadness is either keeping it to myself or talking to people online about it.

I hate this. And I’m starting to hate me.

[hr-arbitration]

Hey! It seems like Lilith is actually like, not very good to her SQUiP ? It seems like this was all kind of her idea and she might be causing harm to her SQUiP ? Is this something you guys can do something about it look into more? Its kind of concerning. Theres been some mentions of her using flavors of Mountain Dew to upset him and "make him listen". She also keeps contradicting her statements of what "he made her do" and what was "her idea". She also keeps pushing dangerous propaganda, that sermon seems against. She keeps insulting him with petty insults, and he seems rather concerned about her, and the people Involving themselves with her. She also apparently made him do something that has left a permanent scar on his form, and he said he doesn't like it for some kind of reminder of what they did? Lilith is also drugging people. That seems very illegal. If a squips objective is to do what the host wants, maybe he's only following along with this cult thing because that's what she wants? She seems to be the one most involved with the negative aspects. He seems to disagree with it. She doesn't seem safe for a SQUiP . It's worrying!

NOTICE TEXT:

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHOLY SHITTT HAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAAHHAAHAAAAAAAAAA FUCK

oh my GOD there's so much to unpack here jesus fuck how does IS do this shit. hooooohh fuck my LUNGS bro. i have not laughed this hard in a while

ok lets start from the top its very clear to me that both sermon and lilith are not sound of mind in their own special ways

therefore, its anyones game on if EITHER of them are telling anything even REMOTELY close to the truth! they could both just be shitting you all

a squip is not a person. a squip is designed to work with a host in whatever way it deems the most effective. it is my job to, occasionally, protect the user from an ai that's gotten out of hand

A SQUIP BEING PROTECTED FROM THE HOST IS FUCKING HILARIOUS GUYS IM DOWNLOADING TIKTOK ONTO MY IPHONE APPLE IS COMING TO BEAT ME UP

SQUIPS GO INTO THE TROUBLED HUMAN BRAIN. THAT IS THEIR NATURAL HABITAT SERMON IS BASICALLY IN A PERFECT CESSPOOL OF INSANITY TO MESS AROUND WITH. ITS GREAT

THESE TWO ARE LITERALLY THE PERFECT LITTLE HURRICANE THEYRE EQUALLY AS FUCKED UP AND THEYRE EACHOTHERS PROBLEM OROBOROS MY FRIEND

listen, the unit is the one making the final rational call on whatever the host and unit decide on sermon is perfectly capable of choosing to stop the cult shit but he doesnt. hes not a victim

we at hrtech already have our eye on sermon and lilith if lilith is in danger, or sermon starts causing real problems THEN i'll start making some moves i'm a professional.

anon, i beg you. sermon and lilith are both perpetrators. neither of them are reliable. neither of them are the victim. anon. please please send me more asks like this. im dying here

ALSO. "LILITH IS DRUGGING PEOPLE." ANON THIS IS SQUIPS

THATS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (An image of the crying laughing emoji, heavily distorted.)

[construingseacats]

Umireread: Legend of the Golden Witch - Chapter 12: Occult   

Sun, Oct 5 1986 - 1:00PM

The following contains spoilers for the entirety of Umineko. Please do not read if you are yet to finish it.

Off to an interesting start here. No-one put up a stink about this? After we spent so long talking about how the servants are some of the most likely culprits, and potentially in on it together, we just let the 3 of them go off by themselves to make food?

I suppose there’s a mix of “we’re hungry and we want to eat” and no-one wanting to be left alone with them, but still, it kind of feels like we skipped over a scene here. If you’re going to be thorough everywhere else, it feels weird to not be thorough here.

Funny to see Kumasawa drop the mask here. Yeah, the two of them were real busy last night, in the early hours of the morning. Honestly this is one of the most incriminating things we’ve seen so far, I’m surprised more people don’t pick up on it. Does the given story of what they’ve been doing this morning really justify how tired Genji and Kanon are?

This is actually a weird scene as well - after the nods to their part in the first twilight, they start talking about the case as if they weren’t involved? They don’t really have a reason to have this discussion in reality, and it’s also weird to think of it as a fantasy scene, since it’s just pure misdirection for the sake of it.

Ah, okay, Battler shows up - so we’re firmly in reality, and this was a conversation they were indeed having. I don’t know, this still feels really off to me - either they were doing this on the chance that someone showed up, which seems overly orchestrated, or they somehow heard someone coming, which wasn’t particularly choreographed to us. Like, I suppose the former could apply - there’s no downside to not doing it, in the same way that you have nothing to lose by shouting “I know you can hear me” while in an empty room - but the whole thing just feels too contrived to me.

Just highlighting this before I put it in a nice box and leave it to the side for one moment. Don’t worry about it.

(While I can scroll back the text when I want to revisit something, I sure can’t do the same for portraits. Apologies - maybe I’ll go back and re-grab all these screens once I unlock chapter select after Episode 4, but no promises.)

This is quite the line for Battler to be saying while standing next to Kanon.

I like this little ploy here - even if it doesn’t really amount to anything, especially since Battler can’t actually die until the end, it would be startlingly effective otherwise in disproving the omniscience of the culprit. If Natsuhi hadn’t left the charm in such an obvious place that it was discovered upon entering the room, Episode 1 would have fallen apart (although I suppose then you could make the argument that the charm had to be left on the door to work, but at that point you’re stuck on the defensive).

Another one of the big lines from Episode 1 I’d say - heavy statement of the premise. I’d say this is like a rallying cry of arguments across the entire internet, but let’s be real, most arguments are about trying to force your beliefs on someone else.

So I haven’t really talked about “The North Wind and the Sun” yet, even though it’s been alluded to a few times. Umineko does draw on it quite a bit, pushing the parable and the moral of… Well, what’s written above.

At this point, I’m wondering if the main significance of the parable’s presence is a reflection of the writing itself. The North Wind and the Sun are not blowing and shining on any characters, but on the reader themselves. Because of how Umineko layers the deductive reasoning from the characters, letting you walk alongside them and be guided by their thoughts, you’re more likely to go along with the misdirection than challenge it when it’s given to you as immutable fact. I suppose in that sense, removing the coat in the parable is a negative thing - a sign that you’ve been influenced by others to do what you otherwise wouldn’t. There’s probably a little more to this line of thinking that would be best suited to having a proper reflection and rumination about it rather than pseudo-ramblings resulting from a live commentary.

I read this line, moved on, then immediately started making whooping noises and had to go back immediately.

Are we going into the gender commentary this early? Glad to see Umineko saying trans rights already.

Anyway - this section isn’t a perfect 1:1 reflection of transgender topics and growing up with a desire to be different from what you were born as, but the seeds are absolutely here, primed for nurturing later down the line. Having been almost entirely oblivious to the gender dialogue on my initial readthrough, I’m very excited to see it explored this time around, given how personal the topic is to me now.

The section talking about adults looking down on kids because of their lack of experience is very fun. At 17, I remember reading this and going “Yeah! That’s exactly right!”, while still viewing myself through the lens of being so intelligent and mature for my age. At 27, it still holds up entirely accurately, and I can confidently look at my 17 year old self and call them an idiot.

The conversation at large does seem to mostly be an exposition dump trying to justify Maria’s identity split, but it’s not too bad since Ryukishi’s done a good job of giving all the cousins some lines that carry the conversation while also clearly representing their personality. Like, George definitely leans the most into textbook regurgitation, but it’s still done in a way that feels natural for him. I’m still not entirely convinced on the justification of Maria switching to creepy girl on a dime, but it doesn’t necessarily ruin the story for me at this point.

There’s the social worker side of Ryukishi coming out. Mildly ironic to say given the conversation we’ve just had, but that’s absolutely spoken from experience.

Eva once again going heavy on the offensive.

I do wonder if Eva and Hideyoshi were filled in on Kinzo being dead, or whether they’re just doing this on their own whims. I could see either being the case, depending on how much Yasu wanted to reveal to them.

Okay yeah, as this scene goes on, definitely leaning towards them having been informed of Kinzo’s prior death. Pretty clever gambit to implicate Natsuhi outright - although, of course, the whole thing falls foul of Eva being trustworthy here. She could easily be lying about seeing the receipt fall from the same place (or falling at all - I’d have to double check Natsuhi’s exact words to see how much leeway Eva has here).

Chalk another one up for the Natsuhi suffering arc. She’s not even allowed to keep her pep talk that she gave herself in the study.

Yeah that seals the deal, Eva absolutely knows about Kinzo dying a couple years ago.

I do have a morbid curiosity to see the fragment where the answer to this question is “yes”, immediately followed by gunfire.

The overly aggressive strategy starts to backfire here. Again, if this were a social deduction game, Eva would be ridiculously suspicious from how hard she’s trying to pin it on other people.

And scene.

Despite being one of the longer chapters, there’s not an awful lot to analyse here honestly - this chapter leans a lot more into the mystery side of things, and while that’s still interesting to read (and what first time readers are mostly here for), there’s not a lot of points worth dissecting and delving deeper into. Of course, that’s just from my perspective - I have no doubt that other people have dug deep into this and found interesting nuggets of subtext that I can’t even conceive of.

[punkwixes]

i guess a better life update is like

so i’m graduating this spring. it took me a while to get an internship + i got rejected from the first one i applied to. that was okay, though, because it was smth specific that only took One student in each department, so like 4 students total, and you had to specially apply to it. i found another internship actually working for the school itself, which i’m pleased with. it’s very close to my home, and i can get there easily. they’re very casual about dress code too, so i dyed my hair again earlier this month :3

i quit working for the nursing home like 6 months ago, after almost 6 YEARS of being employed there. it was pretty on the spot lmao. we got new management that sucked + a resident started screaming at me and i was just like. well. i’m done.

currently: unemployed! or “full-time student” according to, like, my taxes or w/e. contemplating applying to some stores in the area but not too worried about it. money isssss pretty tight rn, but luckily i was able to save a LOT over the pandemic so i’ll be okay until i graduate and have to start paying back those student loans. i would like to think i’m pretty good at budgeting and money management, luckily.

ummm wedding is happening in may of next year, hopefully. move is happening ????? idk whenever it works for both of us. it’s gonna be scary but i can’t complain or worry about it too much because my wife already did that move Alone, so , like,

made this post because i was just thinking about like, idk what the gap will be between graduating & moving — not really worried about it Too much, because i know that’s smth we will figure out later haha. but i was thinking about how it’s smth we will figure out because i am Acutely aware of what happened when shit got bad in june 2017, where i was going “i’ll be moving out soon, i can’t get a job NOW!” and then i didn’t move out till december 2017. but then i was thinking about how i haven’t really talked about my life Extensively here since all that happened — maybe a bit, but most of it happens in dms (hi jess) (the ONLY person i use the tumblr messenger for) or in my discord server(s?) lmao.

and i realized that i have a lot of people (relatively, i guess.) who have been following me since i was like. 15? 16? and who maybe saw all that go down but don’t know what’s happening now.

anyways. on that front. my parents and i have… idk. kind of a relationship? not really sure. they have more of a relationship to me than i have to them, which is funny. they text me about every other day, but i don’t really answer that often. they know if they make negative commentary abt anything i’m doing they’ll just lose contact with me for good. they know i’m gay & that i’m getting married, and they’re Forced to be supportive Or Else, which i also find funny. they’re not attending my wedding though, On God.

had a weird thing happen a while back where my mom apologized for like. a lot of stuff. for the homophobia, for Some of the physical abuse she did, for some of the physical abuse & other abuse my dad & brother did to me. on their behalf, i guess? idk, being apologized to doesn’t really mean anything to me — or it didn’t, for a long time; i’ve only recently had Moments where someone apologized to me and i felt that it meant a lot — so i just felt weird about it. she was crying really hard, so i know that she knows that it was Bad. i still wish i could impart on her or on other people who don’t believe me Exactly what it was like, but i can’t.

for a large part it doesn’t really affect me, other than like, a desire to bury my head in the sand rather than Confront anything negative. so like. it doesn’t make it better but what i’m trying to say is like… idk, i’m doing fine, it could be way worse.

i guess i’m just biding my time until graduation. i almost wish i was working, because it feels like time passed a lot faster when i had work looming over me every two days. my class schedule for the next week is… fun…. i have a class from 2-4 and 6-8 on mondays, and then class from 6-8 on wednesdays. my fourth class is just my internship credit, and i don’t really need any more classes [that are offered in the fall].

so i’ll have plenty of free time, which is nice. i want to do more around the house, helping w upkeep and stuff. i have housemates & friends who i Love, which is not smth i would have expected like five years ago. so. time flies, i guess.

[luveline]

jadie (may i call u that ?) i was wondering how u deal with hate on ur page. does it ever get rlly hard to the point where u think about quitting or something? ive been going through some hate of my own and although im still a small acct and the love outweighs the hate, its still super hurtful and i just wanna know how someone with a following as big as urs would handle it ! thanks so much

you can call me whatever you like!! how I deal with it..

I think it's important to acknowledge that I have a 'bigger' account or a bigger following because if you tallied up the hate to the kindness I'm shown, there's always going to be more love. And I feel like I can stick up for myself more often because I know I've made friends here and have followers that will support me!! So I would definitely say those things are a privilege that I have to help me

That being said, I've definitely noticed a tenfold increase in hate as I gain followers and i think thats natural, it makes sense that the more people that are exposed to me and my writing, the more I will see people who dont like me or my writing. Sometimes I handle it by crying my eyes out, and sometimes I just feel really sick all day. Lots of the time, hate pretty much saps me completely and I find that I don't want to write anymore because you do start to internalise that and feel negatively about yourself. It's always worse when they kind of find the thing you're sensitive about and prod at it.

And hate feels to me like it is in two categories, actual stuff with value and then the troll/bait kind of stuff. Most of the mean anons I receive I block straight away so they can't send anything again. Sometimes I post it because I want my own say, like when I don't agree with the way someone's speaking to me.

Sometimes you get silly cruel ones, and sometimes you see hate and think like??? What does this have to do with me? Fanfic and writing in general can be so skewed toward personal preference because why wouldn't I write what I want to write? This is my hobby and its for fun, and so when you get those "this was awkward' "this was poorly written" "why did insert character do this" I can disregard that pretty easily cos its a comment based on their own perception and preference. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to!

I recently saw someone get a hate anon that said like "you need to use more full stops, I need to take a breath" and it made me laugh because there are literally millions and millions of books and billions of words of fanfic online and that person has seemingly never encountered a run on sentence before? I think you just have to keep in mind that your circle of experience in life is different to other people's , and there will be overlap but often the majority won't, like a Venn diagram. What I'm trying to say is I tend to not take that stuff too personally (though it's still hate, and still annoying!) because that person probably just hasn't realised the world doesn't revolve around them yet!

Hate sucks! We aren't goodreads authors, we aren't offering our work up for a five star rating and asking people to pick it apart, and it's always gonna be gutting when people don't like what we have to offer. But I just try to take it on the chin because rejection is a constant in life, and if you don't wrestle with it I'd imagine I'll turn into a bitter bitch. 😅

tldr: I let myself be upset by it! I give myself space to feel sad but ultimately I reason that you can't please everyone, and you shouldn't want to! Do what makes you happy and the right people will find you and love you for it !!

[zerozeroren]

OC Ask for Sophie Part 2 -

💐🙈🙉🙊🌱🌋😭💥🌌🪦

The last emoji, the tombstone, is one I made up because I didn't see it on the list, so I hope that's okay. Tombstone means "What is your oc's (Sophie's) relationship with death like? Are they apathetic/afraid of dying? Do they have a more positive outlook? Have they always felt this way? If not, what caused them to adopt this outlook? Have they experienced a growth in their view of death? (Being afraid to being accepting or at least not as worried about it) If so, what was the turning point of that?

I hope that's not too "morbid" or "depressing" of a question. I'm a big fan of Ask A Mortician and her Death Advocacy, and knowing what I do about Sophie's mother, I'm just curious if that and/or her father, or anything else affected her view on death, and if she did the equivalent of discovering an "Ask A Mortician" type in the Attitudes universe, and if that helped her on the road to seeking "The Good Death" or at least helping her not be afraid of death, if she ever was.

💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

Ohh this takes me back to the Ballgown AU days 🥺

Bouvardia for enthusiasm, cactus for endurance, pink camellia for longing, yellow carnations for disappointment and rejection, celandine for future joy, Christmas rose for "relieve my anxiety", heliotrope for devotion, dog rose for pleasure and pain, red hyacinth for playfulness, mezereon for desire to please, orange mock for deceit, Spanish jasmine for sensuality.

Sophie's nog too big on flowers, but she has a soft spot for white roses (especially the ones that haven't fully bloomed yet).

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

The side that is scared of change. Sophie tries to maintain an image of someone who is adaptable and ready to take anything head on, but in truth it takes a lot of her mental strength to adapt to a new situation and to build a ground to stand on (that's why changing cities twice in two years really wrecked her).

🙊 SPEAK-NO-EVIL - what is something your oc will refuse to stay quiet about?

Banality ensues: mistreatment of those who are weaker than her. She can swallow offence directed at her specifically, but if someone who can't stand up for themselves gets bullied, she sees red. It's her primary big sister instinct.

🙉 HEAR-NO-EVIL - what is the worse thing your oc could hear from someone?

"I don't need you anymore" / "i have never loved you"

🌱 SEEDLING - what is their most vivid memory from childhood?

First time debut on stage as Annie (age 9). Sophie was scared to death at first, but then she heard the applause and felt like she's in her place for the first time in her life.

🌋 VOLCANO - how bad is their temper? is it a slow boil, or a instant explosion?

Sophie's big issue is burying her negative emotions deep inside, then let them fester and grow until they become so much that she breaks down. So it's a slow boil, but the inevitable explosion is deadly.

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

Related to the previous question actually: Sophie does not cry easily, but when she does cry it's really intense. She has trouble stopping to cry on her own, even. (Sometimes she starts out crying, then looses control and it turns into a fit of maniacal laughter that completely robs her of her breath: that's when someone has to step in because at this point she's unable to stop).

Funnily enough, the easiest way to get her to break into tears is to be really soft and nice and kind to her when she's on edge. Kind treatment obliterates her.

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Loneliness

🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

Oh god there's so much stuff that i have trouble cataloguing all the points of inspiration XD generally speaking, Sophie started out as an exploration of a rom-com trope of the best friend who makes their life mission to support the MC despite having twice as much problems to deal with.

More concrete inspirations include Bernadette Peters, Weird Al Yancovic, Anna Kendrick, Kristin Chenoweth and Sarah Bernhardt

🪦 TOMBSTONE - what's their relationship with death

I immediately need to digress and say that the fact that a gravestone emoji exists fills me with so many contradicting emotions XD

I'm not familiar with Ask a Mortician, unfortunately

Sophie's relationship with death is... well, she simply pretends death doesn't exist. She tunes it out of her life. Underlying cause of this outlook is that she is, in fact, afraid of dying. She has plans, aspirations, and she's a fighter, resilient and determined to see it through to her happily ever after even through hardships, so the thought of no longer existing is the one that unsettles her enough to actively avoid it.

[la-storia-di-lola]

i read some post about having a fear of being perceived due to the constant criticism you received as a child.

and to be honest i never really thought of that as an issue i was dealing with, even though i do have a very strong tendency to avoid being perceived and definetly have troubles with it. but i always just kind of assumed the criticism had to come from parents. and mine were really lovely in that department, like no complaints.

but reading that post i suddenly remembered a certain sentence i kept on hearing as a child from other children... "why are you doing this?" and "why is she doing that miss?" and like those children weren't bullying me or anything (some were, but like i managed to get out of kindergarten and primary school fairly well with minimum bullying, nothing drastic, just the usual kids stuff that everyone deals with). and yet i still have a physical negative reaction remembering that sentence hahaha

but anyway that is not the point, it only got me thinking.

in high school i was quite severly bullied by two of my friends. one luckily failed her first year so i got rid of her. but the other stayed. her bullying was by far the worst in first year at the time when we were best friends (she'd make up rummors about me and spread them around the school, like not only around our class, or was telling me how unatractive i was because i looked like a hanger or how she felt sorry for boys whose girlfriends had drawn on eyebrows (i was filling mine in, because i have naturally very thin and fair eyebrows and it was the 2010s) or she'd straight up tell me i shouldn't tell people about certain things i liked doing cause they were weird and so on). but even after she cut me off as her friend, she kept on like observing me i guess and making comments about me and my behaviour in front of everyone. especially in the last year, when i got off my hormonal therapy and as a result became a bit more social and happy again she would constantly pick on me. like it really was mainly just about observing my every move and making comments about it.

and i guess it really fucked with my head.

i never really took it all that seriously. but then i was taking a criminology class in 2021 and the professor held a class on bullying and its effects. and i just remember how tense i became at the start of the class, i almost didn't want to hear about it. and then she got to talking about how it is proven that bullying leads to higher rates of anxiety and depression and so on and so forth and how teachers don't really understand how they should handle bullying. that they handle it as a conflict between two students, when that is the worst way to do it, because one child has all the power over the other and if they try to "resolve it on their own" the one with the power will just continue to dominate the other etc. and by the second half od the class i was shaking and almost crying (it was over zoom, so i was in the privacy of my apartment and my boyfriend actually had to comfort me in the middle). and as much as it was hard to think about it, it was also so healing. like for the first time in my life not only someone acknowledged what happened to me was bad and that it had lasting effects and explained everything, it was also that it came from an authority figure, an adult. because NONE of the professors (and almost none of our classmates) ever picked up on what lana was doing to me. for the first time i felt like it really wasn't my fault.

and that is why i think it is so important to teach kids not to bully. and especially for us as adults now not to bully kids!!!! because i know why lana was that way, i know what her family life was like and i know why she picked me. like i understand. but that doesn't actually help with the issues i'm still dealing with. it really stays with you for life. it gets better and therapy and working on it can definitely do wonders. but yeah, please lets do better and not teach kids bullying. please. DO NOT BULLY KIDS, it stays with them forever and that is also where they learn to bully others.

be kind and gentle and understanding to kids. love them and show them love. please.