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marcothepinata · 2 years

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(I live in Scotland, this will make some of the content make sense)

When covid happened and we all got sent home i was fifteen years old.

I was preparing for my nat5 exams and a one year higher course that i was kinda struggling with. And then the exams were canceled.

I saw very little of my friends, i tried to keep in touch while i drowned in a workload that i was struggling to manage as my parents worked in the same room. I felt like i couldn’t complain because my siblings sat around the same table with the same problem.

We were deprived of a normal classroom environment or a school structure and were expected to self regulate. Honestly, i felt lost.

I learned to fear my mum’s disappointment and anger. Something that would cause a lot of anxiety in my life and probably still will for a long time.

My sixteenth rolled around and there was no clear end in sight and so we made do. Zoom and all that shit. Watched Twisted tho my mum made her disapproval of the scripts “reliance” on swearing for comedy quite clear.

My doon to be ex boyfriend forgot my birthday and after i told him he later turned up with chocolate, flowers that were on sale and a card that read: deal with me :(

I later dumped him for a menagerie of reasons but that’s not important (it wasn’t traumatic he was just kinda shitty) however the relationship did provide the last few connected dots for me to figure out i was asexual and later aromantic.

One good thing about not seeing many people is that you have a lot of time for introspection. I ended up questioning my gender after discovering the mechanisms and mother mother. Turns out my dislike for being called a woman was not because I’m trans but because I’m scared of having to “grow up”

Family time was mandatory a lot from my parents and while i liked what we did together, it was hard to keep us all happy as my younger siblings preferred to keep yo themselves much to my mothers dismay.

I feel like i have to be the shining center of positive energy for the three of us as my siblings mental health took a nosedive. One coped by calling friends, ranting to me and keeping it to themselves, not the best but it kept the situation civil. The younger one has taken half bottling it up and half sniping back at our parents which isn’t good for any of us. I worry about them a lot because i want them to get help for their undiagnosed neurodivergiancies that they definitely have. But even then, one can’t do thst for ages because he wants to join the marines to join the royal marine band.

I did have an escape tho. Three times a week i had zoom dance classes that the rest of my family had to leave me alone for an hour or two. I got to focus on myself in a way that was simple. It’s ok to get the moves wrong, you can hardly tell on zoom. It felt good to move or just to even move out of frame and listen to the music. It did stress me out sometimes and i have cried more than once because i couldn’t understand a tap routine.

A lot of this makes my parents out to be horrible. Trust me, they’re really great like 95% of the time. Until i fuck up which then it’s kinda reasonable.

Anyways, a years fuckin passed and exams are once again canceled because the SQA are shit but now the teachers are prepared. Now the teachers are posting regular work for Higher content and now i have a workload that i don’t know how to complete. I feel like I’m gonna fail maths and physics and instead of asking for help i ignore it like a twatt. And so i have files and files of unfinished work so the school phones home and then my mum blows up at me. SO MANY LECTURES. Could not be in a room with the woman without one for a while.

Having said that, i loved my german teacher. We had a small classso she did google meet classes as a whole class and in small groups so that she could help us. When i was struggling with directed writing she set up one on one meetings with me to give me help. I ended up with an A for that subject.

But when we were in class. The tests were constant. The teachers needed enough evidence for predicted grades and so there was that. Not fun but necessary i guess.

Also my seventeenth happened. I don’t really remember it much. Eurovision was involved. My uncle gave me an axe. I got older.

And then came sixth year.

Immediately tokd that this is supposed to be the best year of our school career and that we shouldn’t waste it. Great, if this is shit can’t wait for the rest of my life.

“Can’t believe that you didn’t go for head girl you would have been great”

UCAS. Applications. The pressure that comes with picking the courses and uni’s that you want to go to is immense. I sobbed so many times. I applied for a graduate apprenticeship as well, thinking that i had a decent chance of getting it. Rejected without so much as a reason.

So many clubs and hobbies came back and suddenly i was on full extracurricular throttle. Dance, rugby and musical theatre. I consider it worth it tho.

Advanced higher chemistry was hell. What was once a subject i loved now I’m failing miserably. We had to travel to a different school to do it ant the teacher was shit. She almost never clarified anything and at that particular school, one third of the course is self taught. Self taught my ass. Im sad i couldn’t grasp it in the time i had because i would have loved to fully understand the content and enjoy the subject. Hopefully i get to try again one day.

And then... the impending loom of exam leave because after that, i finished school. I had three exams and then i was done. Just like that. I dont miss the deadline stress but the safety that came with the system is something i think I’ll long for for a while.

I turned eighteen and it was fun but it has been non stop for almost three weeks now and i am exhausted. Kinky boots, Birthday, after party, final exam, party prep (cleaning the entire house), birthday party, London trip, friends coming out party, bar training, first shift and its kareoke night and myth con which i had to dm for.

I’m now eighteen and i graduate tomorrow. I feel like the last parts of my childhood has been stolen in a way. I feel like in those years there should have been something there but I’ll never know. This is my “last proper summer” and I’ve bern told i need to make the most of it while at the same time the same people say that i need to be an adult now.

I don’t know how

I don’t know

I don’t know what my future looks like. How the fuck am i supposed to live life in this nebulous black hole grey area between high school and university.

Be a kid, be an adult, make the most of it, prepare, spend time with friends, spend time with family, spend time on your hobbies, spend time on work, go out, have adventures, what time?

When can i stop?

Because i don’t know how much i have left

And life’s only just begun

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gloriousmishaps · 5 years

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figuring out you might have a diagnosable mental illness in your adult years and then looking back on everything you did as a kid and slowly connecting the dots is both a satisfying and terrifying experience

#my posts #all of those weird borderline autistic things i did as a baby child?#most of them could probably be traced back to adhd and a budding ocd disorder i must have grown out of #flapping my hands when i was in elementary school when i got excited? potentially hyperactive adhd #that weird thing i did where i had to get 'the last touch' on smth after somebody else touched it #or i had a weird feeling in my stomach for half an hr after? potentially ocd #and even then so many of the symptoms for childhood autism were there too and i'm sure they overlapped with adhd #it's just an experience looking back and being like hey i wasn't just a weirdo there's like....... an explanation for this #i have solidarity with like people who are also affected by this #i have a community and an identity now that's not just 'weird kid who flapped their hands in sixth grade'#i want to see if i can get diagnosed so badly but the fear of being wrong is there #i have such a problem with being a fraud in everything i do ahdsgjhgags #i also used to have to rewrite every number in math class or doing homework until it looked and felt perfect #and i used to do that thing where i'd bite myself to punish myself or press my fingernails into my forehead #when i didn't get an answer right or i thought i was too stupid to do my work #so yeah working through some baggage i didn't know i had OwO

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amor-immortalem · 3 years

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Looking For a Different Way

Cross posted on AO3

Summary: Lucifer calls Mammon to his office to talk about the improvement of his grades. Seeking to keep his brother on the right path to success, the first-born gives Mammon an item that may make it easier.

Genre: fluff

A/N: So I, like some of you, totally believe Mammon to have ADHD which is why he does so poorly at RAD. That being said I’m writing from my own experience as an individual with a severe combined presentation of ADHD.

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The Avatar of Greed had been spending his afternoon hitting the books while on a video call with his girlfriend. He needed someone to talk to while he studied in case he had questions. He wouldn’t dare bother his brothers for fear that they would call him an idiot if they deemed the question to be too ridiculous.

“Its been amazin’. Hon. It seems like they’re really tryin ta change their ways after that talk a few weeks ago… I mean there have been a few slip ups but they apologize as soon as they realize it.” he smiled excitedly. “Its still hard with ya havin’ ta go back ta the human world though…” he says with a small pout. “It feels like things are harder to get done when ya ain’t around ta keep me on track.”

“I know, Love, but as much as I wish I could stay down there with you, my body does need the sun to function properly. A sun lamp and supplements are only a temporary fix. It won’t be much longer. I’ll be back before exams.”

“Huh? That’s like two months away! I’ll never make it.”

“More like two weeks, Baby.” Arella chuckled as a timer went off in the background. “Alright times up, let’s have a look at your work.”

“That’s still too long.” Another pout, “…..I mss you….”

Unbeknownst to the two of them, Lucifer had been listening in. Mostly interested in how Arella was helping his brother with his course work as he had been searching for ways to better help him improve as a student. After enough listening, the Avatar of Pride called out to his brother.

“Mammon, a word please?” Lucifer says, making his presence known. He doesn’t miss the way his younger brother tenses.

They had only been a few weeks removed from Arella’s revelation that the second-born had been considering ending his own life. Considering how their interactions often ended up, the eldest couldn’t blame his brother for having this type of reaction.

“You’re not in trouble, I promise.”

I… I’ll call ya back later, Babe.” At that, Mammon followed after the demon. If he wasn’t in trouble, he was curious to find out what it could be about.

Once they were in his office, Lucifer ushered his brother over to a chair sat in front of the desk.

“You’re glasses came in today along with mine so I picked them up for you,” he remarks as he passes his younger brother the case they sat in. Mammon opens it and puts them on. “That’s not what I what I wanted to talk about, though.”

“What is it then?” The white haired demon watches as his brother shuffles some papers around on his desk before placing a sheet of paper in front of him. “My grades?”

“Yes. Ever since I talked with Diavolo to amend RAD’s dress code allowing you could wear your sunglasses in class, they’ve gone up one whole letter grade. I always thought you just had a problem with applying yourself to your studies but it turns out I was wrong. I’m very proud of you for doing this much in such a short amount of time.” A rare, prideful smile crossed his face which in-turn caused Mammon to beam at the praise he received from his brother.

“See, I told ya I can do it! You should have more faith in the Great Mammon! By the end of the term, I’ll have my grades up to a C!”

“Wonderful, and to help you reach that goal, Ive been doing some research. I’ve been watching you in the classes we share together. I’ve started to notice in classes that don’t have practical sessions, you’re constantly bouncing your leg or fidgeting with the rings on your fingers. Why is that?”

“Honestly,” Mammon started, “I dunno. I guess it just helps me pay attention better. Sometimes I just have too much energy and its hard to sit still and focus unless some part of me is movin’, ya know?”

“I can’t say that I do, but let’s try using this….” The Avatar of Pride opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a palm sized cube with buttons, switches, and even a little ball one could roll their thumb over. “Arella sent this to me from the human world for you. Apparently, it’s a device humans with certain difficulties use to help them in their classes.” He turned the cube in his hand as he studied it. “Not sure how,” he handed it over to his brother who immediately started to roll the cube in his hand before gripping it and running his thumb over the small metal ball.

“Me neither but hey, if it could help, it ain’t gonna hurt to try…. I really like it actually….” He continued to fiddle with the cube idly.

“We’ll see if it helps for the time being. That’s all I wanted to see you for. You’re free to go.”

Mammon nodded as he got up to leave, off to continue the math homework he’d been working on before this.

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Masterlist 2

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me! shall we date?#obey me fluff #obey me mammon #om! mammon #mammon fluff #obey me lucifer #om! lucifer #lucifer fluff #obey me oc #arella

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troubatrain · 3 years

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taxi - j. markstrom

a/n: i swore on my life i started writing this and then hours went by and it was done. by the way, aside from this song i still have yet to chose any players for the rest of this series and the google form is open for suggestions (it’s linked below) but anyways, i need to start by saying this got super personal for me and this showcases some of my own experiences with my own mental illness, and not everyone experiences those things the same way and i just want to remind everyone of that before they read! also, i definitely suggest listening to the song while reading it because it just feels right.

i need to tag @danglesnipecelly because k wrote a matty fic and in turn i’m legally required to write a marky fic

part of my lovely little lonely series

tw: mentions of depression, mentions of post-partum depression

“...and in the backseat, when you asked me, is the sadness everlasting? i pulled you closer, looked at you and said love, I think it is...” - Taxi - The Maine

Jacob wasn’t sure when things had gotten so bad.

You were doing better, and Jacob even thought you were doing better than before. You’d been going to therapy again regularly, less of Jacob forcing you to go for his sake and more of going by your own will. You were back on your meds, but even you admitted they felt like they might have been working this time around now that you found the right fit. The adjustment to your new surroundings in Calgary seemed to be going smoothly, spending time with Annica and Elias like you weren’t constantly battling with your own demons.

But god you were.

Jacob honestly thought you were braver than anyone he’s ever known. You met a few years back, when you used to throw on a smile just to walk out the door and Jacob was just starting to make a splash in Vancouver. He was the only person who seemed to notice you in the large crowd you were who was mingling with a few of his teammates. He knew you were something special in that moment, and he’d tell you everyday until you started to believe it. What he didn’t know at the time was, you’d just gotten diagnosed with depression and you were tackling it on your own. Not a soul knew about the days you couldn’t wait to sleep because it was the only time you were able to turn your brain off. They didn’t know about the mess in your apartment that was so embarrassing but you still just couldn’t clean it. And they definitely didn’t know about the long drives where you just thought about never coming back.

Jacob didn’t know these things for a while, but when the signs became clear, he tried his hardest to understand. He came over and cleaned your apartment when you were at work, shrugging it off when you asked him what prompted him to do it. Jacob made sure you were taken care of on days he knew you weren’t able to do it yourself.

Then the east coast road trip happened.

Your relationship was new, and you hadn’t told him what was going on even though it was becoming incredibly clear that he knew. Jacob has always been patient, and you always joke it’s because he’s a goalie, but the truth was that his heart was bigger than him. You called him, teary eyed while you sat on a park bench in the middle of Vancouver and told him you couldn’t do this anymore. At first he thought you were talking about him, maybe he’d overstepped a line he shouldn’t have, but it was clear you meant life. It was just too much, and Jacob knew it was time to push talking about it.

So you did, you laid there in the bitter cold on that bench until the sun came up and talked to him about your mental illness. You talked about your therapist who you’d been seeing but you were honest about the appointments you skipped. You talked to him about the full pill bottles in your bathroom because you didn’t want to take them but you didn’t want anyone to notice you weren’t picking up prescriptions. He was calm, listening to your words and not reprimanding you on the stall in your recovery.

Everyone moves at their own pace Y/N, you can move like a turtle if you want to and I won’t tell you to hurry up and get better.

Jacob never pushed, but that didn’t mean he didn’t educate himself. He read and read and read, everything he could on how he was supposed to help

you. He took classes, he listened to talks and he’d even attended meetings with other people who were in his same position. He wanted to understand, and he did his best to. Jacob did this because he loves you, and he wanted to make sure that was never going to be something you could question.

So that brings him here, standing in your shared bathroom while he counted how many pills were left in that orange bottle and he just knew the math wasn’t going to add up. Jacob runs a large hand over his face, rubbing his temples while he spun out about how this could be his fault. Maybe he should have stayed in Vancouver. Was the change too much for you?

“Babe?” You call out, leaning against the bathroom door and looking at him sadly. Your voice was soft, it always was, like Jacob being in distress was more important than the hell he’d seen you go through.

“Have you been skipping days?” Jacob asks, never with an accusatory tone. He learned that lesson, watching you shrink at his words when he asked if you’d been in bed all day. You start to utter an apology, Jacob raising his hand at you to stop because you didn’t owe him one, “Why didn’t you call?”

Tears were welling up in your eyes, your lip quivering while you tried to find the right words. Jacob didn’t look mad, he wasn’t - he was feeling guilty. He promised you, if you called it didn’t matter if he was in the middle of a game, he’d be there as soon as he could, “You need to be with your new team-”

“Fuck my new team,” Jacob scoffs, shaking his head and opening his arms to you, “You think I’d want to spend any more time with Elias than you?”

“No, I just,” You sigh, pushing a piece of your hair back that seemed to just fall back into place, “I didn’t want to be a bother, you need to be with these guys all the time and how can you do that if you’re worried about me?”

“I can do that because I want to do it,” Jacob reminds you, pushing that same piece of hair back where it belonged, and it stuck, “I don’t feel like I have to worry about you, I want to.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier not to?” You ask, wrapping your arms around Jacob’s waist and pressing your head into his chest. His heartbeat was steady, he was steady.

Jacob was the most stable thing you had in your life. You couldn’t figure what you’d done to experience unconditional love like that, a person to care for you so much that they would do anything to make you happy. He calmed you on the days you needed most and he never pushed you harder than he thought you needed. Turtle speed. He always called it that, but he’d rather see you move slowly to get better than throw on another fake smile.

“My life wouldn’t be easier if you weren’t in it,” Jacob hums, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, “Do you want me to set out your meds for the week? In that little container I got you?”

You nod, making a promise to yourself to take the step in getting better. Jacob reminded you constantly, you can’t do this for him, you needed to do it for yourself - he was just helping. He was always going to help.

***

You seemed better.

Jacob swore you were actually doing okay, the little check ins he was doing was working and when he got back from his next road trip - nothing seemed wrong. You were standing across Johnny’s house, laughing along with Annica and a few other girls and Jacob knew that laugh was a real one. This was good, seeing you out laughing and smiling.

“So, when is it going to be time for you?” Annica asks, her hand running over your ring finger, “Marky has to be thinking about having a few running around soon.”

You wish it hadn’t set you off. It was a simple question anyone would ask a couple who’s been together this long.

Children was a conversation you weren’t ready for. The thought terrified you, not because you didn’t want to have them, it was the post-partum talk. You knew the risks, all of the things that could happen after and you didn’t want to stomach that. What if you weren’t enough for your kids? They didn’t ask for a mother who couldn’t get out of bed sometimes let alone take care of them, and you’d be insane to think that was a healthy way to raise a child.

Jacob’s eyes remained on you while you rushed out of the house, fiddling with your hands and shaking your head. That was your tell, and Jacob excused himself immediately, chasing you out of the house. His hands grab your cheeks, steadying you for a moment and wiping the tears from your eyes.

“She asked me when we were going to the marriage and kids thing and,” You ramble out, closing your eyes and shutting your mouth. Jacob knew where you were going with this, it was fear he had too. It was the reason there was a ring in one of his coat pockets at home that’s never been opened because he was waiting for the right time. He’d wait forever if he had to. You were the one there was never a doubt about it.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” Jacob sighs, knowing this conversation was far too heavy to be had in public, “But, you’ll never be alone, I’m never going to leave, I’m never going to pressure you into anything. When you’re ready I will be too, but I don’t care how long it takes.”

“What if it’s too late for kids?” You whisper, the fear that Jacob could tell you he’d wait forever but you’d seen him with kids, he was made to be a father.

“We can adopt, foster, whatever you want,” Jacob assures you, the idea of having children never had to be biological to him, “Chucky asked me if we were looking to adopt the other day…”

You let out a laugh, looking and pressing your lips to Jacob’s. You couldn’t thank him enough, not like he’d ever let you, but he was so good. You leaned your head on his shoulder, watching Calgary pass you by while Jacob hums to the radio next to you in the cab to get home.

“You think I’ll always be like this?” You ask, a question that could have been for either of you.

“There’s always going to be bad days, but you’re never going to be alone on them. I promise.”

“Turtle speed?”

“Turtle speed.”

#jacob markstrom #jacob markstrom imagine #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

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sullustangin · 3 years

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Fearful Avoidant Attachment and the Single Spy

Caveat: I’m not a counselor of any sort, and I’m applying labels to fictional characters. Don’t take this too seriously.

This post has been kicking around in different forms in my prompt document for awhile. I will start posting my Yavin fic this weekend. A major element of this fic will be the dynamic between Theron and the playable character/love interest. Their interactions will be informed by how I view his attachments. I’ve put some of this into the fic series already.

“Attachment” in the Star Wars universe is the idea, according to George Lucas, that Jedi should love everyone but not get attached. “Attached” in this context is possession, greed, being willing to do things for individuals rather than the greater good, and ultimately the fear of loss. Attachment is a negative concept in Jedi philosophy.

However, I would argue that while this philosophy is in the back of Theron’s head, Jedi attachment concepts are not what makes Theron’s personal life messy. It’s the personal context surrounding that teaching and his life events that shape this. So let’s look at real life attachment theory.

In its most basic form, attachment theory is the idea that children need to develop a positive relationship with a caregiver to turn out ok. If the child is neglected, then they will have problems forming healthy attachments to others. There’s a lot of caveats to this theory. Some put the threshold of ‘must have positive relationship by x age’ to age 2 or age 5. Others state that this is problematic, because if a child loses their caregiver and passes into the hands of a less affectionate or downright abusive caregiver, then their positive attachment formation by age x doesn’t count for much.

There are several different types of attachment that a person can have. A secure attachment is what most healthy relationships are rooted in. People feel safe and secure within themselves and within the relationship. Jedi can be attached in this fashion, even if they don’t call it this; the Jedi have orderly boundaries and a clear understanding of what their associations entail. They have care systems for younglings and padawans, which were like pre-modern apprenticeships. They are secure within themselves as Jedi and in their relationships outside the order. They are at peace.

An insecure attachment has a flaw in it; something is wrong in how the person relates to themselves and others in relationships, platonic, romantic or otherwise. One type is dismissive or avoidant; the attachments are actively avoided, so the person is often isolated and rejects others and their friendly overtures. Another type is anxious or preoccupied; people tend to get very clingy or possessive with anyone they latch onto, which can cause the relationship to self-destruct (hi, Anakin).

Then there is fearful avoidant attachment, the label I think fits Theron Shan, our favorite high-quality spy and absolute emotional disaster. In theory, Theron tries to avoid deep emotional attachments because he’s scared of being left behind or not having those attachments reciprocated. At the same time, he desperately wants those attachments and relationships, but the potential of failure makes him avoid or even sabotage the relationship. That results in an on-going war between Theron and his feelings. To quote Psychalive, “the person [he wants] to go to for safety is the same person [he is] frightened to be close to. As a result, [he has] no organized strategy for getting [his] needs met by others.”

Why does Theron have attachment issues?

Some accuse Satele Shan or Jace Malcom of being “bad parents.” There’s a problem with this premise: although there is a biological relationship, neither Satele nor Jace had a parent-child relationship with Theron. Jace didn’t even know Theron existed until the child was 26, so he couldn’t act in any capacity. Satele gave Theron up to be raised by someone else; she opted out of the role of mother and did not talk to him as mother-and-son until Theron was 26. There isn’t an abusive or neglectful relationship here because there isn’t a relationship, period. Much like romantic relationships, it’s better to have no relationship than a bad one. Jace and Satele didn’t raise Theron. They were strangers to him until he was an adult. They were never his caretakers. Who did Theron have attachments to?

Theron was raised by a Jedi named Ngani Zho, who had been Satele Shan’s master when she was a padawan. After Satele gave birth in a cave on some planet, Zho took the child and raised him as his own son. This was irregular, honestly. Jedi younglings that express some sort of control over the Force are typically put into a creche at the Jedi Temple; we’ve seen this in the Star Wars prequel films. Guss Tuno references this in SWTOR, as he was chagrinned to be in class with a bunch of five-year-olds in bathrobes. Theron was raised by Zho directly and they were constantly traveling, based upon comments we read in The Lost Suns comic and in the novel Annihilation. Theron never entered the creche because he never manifested signs he was Force-sensitive – not even a little like Guss.

Zho traveled with Theron until the boy was an adolescent. Then, Theron was told by Zho to travel to the Jedi Temple at Haashimut to receive more training; he could do no more for him. The trip through a desert nearly killed the boy. When Theron had recovered, it fell to Master Till’in to tell him he would not be a Jedi. Ever.

Instead of telling Theron or notifying Satele about the boy’s lack of Force aptitude, Zho sent him onward and then disappeared. There is no indication that Zho told anyone where he was going or why. When Theron met Zho again at age 23, the Master’s mind was scrambled and confused; he couldn’t give any answers to Theron about anything. Was there a mission he had been set on? Or did he just wander off on his own?

For storytelling purposes, it’s convenient to pair Zho’s departure with the aftermath of the Treaty of Coruscant. In the year Theron turned 13 (3653 BBY), the Great Galactic War ended with the Treaty of Coruscant, wherein the Sith Empire enforced demands on the Republic. The Sith won. Zho leaving could be tied to this (through a mission or quixotic urge), but the source material isn’t clear on the timing.

Theron’s life suddenly became very uncertain. His entire life had been built up to becoming a Jedi. To some extent, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong, Theron probably felt like he was a failure. We know he tried to fix this; in The Lost Suns, he acknowledged pursuing access to the Force through the Matukai Force tradition – being an ascetic. In Annihilation, he recalled and took particular umbrage at the “arrogance” of the Jedi – those that made him feel like any other path was second (or third or less)-best. This diminished over time, but the revelation about his lack of Force Sensitivity probably left Theron feeling very insecure about himself and who he was as an adolescent/young teen.

In terms of his relationships, Zho was gone with no forwarding address. The man Theron called his father was no longer reachable, and for another ten years, there would be no closure as to what happened to him. Zho had actively endangered Theron by sending him through a desert to Haashimut. Did he gamble that the boy’s Force Sensitivity would manifest in a life-threatening crisis or something? Who knows? Theron never went into the Jedi creche, so he didn’t have close peers or friends beyond pen pals at best. Theron had not spoken to his bio parents at all to this point, and he probably didn’t know many (if any) non-Force Sensitive kids. With his expulsion from Jedi society, Theron’s entire relationship network was gone.

This is important to understand -- Theron had been raised to not have attachments that would lead to selfishness or fear of loss, but he was raised to be able to love and care for others. He lived in a structure that fostered good psychological attachments (secure attachments) to the order and to his fellow sentients without possessiveness or jealousy. Theron knew his mother gave him up. He knew one day Zho would give his care over to another Master. He knew one day, he would leave the Temple to go out into the galaxy. Theron knew how the galaxy worked and his role in it...

..and then it was torn away from him. No more masters, no more knowledge of what came next, no way to ever work with his mother as a Jedi. His life to that point had been an illusion -- he was never able to access the Force, and Zho knew it. This left Theron as insecurely attached, as nothing that he anticipated for his life would ever happen, and he knew nobody that would accompany him into this new life.

External to all this, the Republic Theron was raised to serve was on the losing end of war. How the galaxy worked, as far as Theron knew to that point, was going to change. After Till’in told Theron the truth, all we know is that he spent some time in Haashimut before going elsewhere. We the viewer have no idea what happened to Theron from adolescence until he was 16, when he entered SIS per Annihilation. This may be a canon math/timing error, or it could be reasonable; Theron might have been able to get permission to join a government organization at 16. If Theron was in foster care or a ward of the state or something else, whoever was involved didn’t make an impact worthy of mention thus far in SWTOR canon.

Theron described Zho in The Lost Suns as “never reliable.” That was a 23-year-old looking back. Yet, he referred to him as his father in Annihilation three years later, and even eight years later in SWTOR: KotFE, he mentions that “Master Zho would be proud.” This seems contradictory. Additionally, in both The Lost Suns and Annihilation, SIS Director Marcus Trant expressed concern about Theron and his issues. Theron was a workaholic. Being a workaholic is actually a sign of having attachment issues; a person attaches themselves to work, not people Theron expressed desires to run away, go on vacation, and do new stuff… but he never did these things – couldn’t get away from the job.

Attachment theory states that a child has difficulty with attachments if they are abused or somehow neglected by their caretaker. The desert march definitely strikes me as falling into one of those categories, but again, Zho’s logic isn’t readily offered up to the viewer, nor are many details about Theron’s life as a traveling youngling. That all said, Zho’s traumatic departure probably caused attachment issues that had no other herald.

Why do the labels “fearful” and “avoidant” fit Theron?

Theron Shan as the player met him in Forged Alliance SWTOR was a professional. Flirting was ignored, mildly acknowledged, or, rarely, fully reciprocated. There was no physical contact between Theron and his asset. This doesn’t seem off or irregular until his romance is compared to that of Lana Beniko. She didn’t have the same issues expressing affection for her asset on Imp side; she touched their face and gave them a hug by the time the spies went under deep cover after Rakata Prime. Even if the player did not romance Lana, Lana herself was keen to make a team and bust open the conspiracy; she wasn’t as willing to go it alone.

Avoidant people tend to refrain from contact, and they like being independent. They don’t do well in teams. Sound familiar? Fearful avoidants also have the concern that they will fail their partner or that their partner will fail them. If the player was Imp side, Theron was a jerk well into the Rishi storyline. Eventually, Theron did come around. His dialogue and follow-up letter reflect the fact that he actually did want these connections and attachments. He enjoyed the time he had with the player.

This is particularly pronounced if Theron was romanced by the player on Rishi and Yavin; first physical contact occurred on Rishi with a kiss. If the player was Pubside, the fade-to-black and his comments on Yavin indicate they had sex. Those episodes of affection, paired with the Pub post-Yavin letter and dialogue, really emphasize the connection that was formed. Interestingly, Theron did not get a fade-to-black with the Imperial player. One might argue that he knew they were going to leave him, and so he couldn’t –wouldn’t—get attached.

…. And then Ziost happened. Theron refused to ask for help. He didn’t want to depend on that attachment. He was distant on Ziost, regardless of how far the relationship went, and if Pubside, he declined a drink afterwards.

Whatever transpired between Ziost and the Eternal Fleet Incident, it’s clear that a romanced Theron and the player never defined their relationship. There were certain boundaries that never were crossed. He’d “like to think” the player is dreaming of him, but he didn’t want to presume. Even after Theron got into a romantic relationship on Odessen, he still struggled with his ability to be attached, as evidence by his letters and expressions of affection and concern throughout the KotFE/KotET expansions.

One might argue that the traitor element of the Nathema Conspiracy was partially caused by Theron’s attachment issues: his independent streak, his inability to ask for help, his lack of faith in others to do the job right (not telling anyone the truth), his lack of faith in himself (his willingness to understand why the player might dump/exile him). If romanced, he gave one of his Holonet messages the subject line “I love you,” but even then, he did not clue the player into his self-made mission. Certainly, the Nathema Conspiracy happens because of Theron’s desperate desire to save the galaxy and the player at any cost – including the relationship itself and his life.

For those who let Theron live, the attachment issues have faded as Theron has gotten engaged/married and/or reformed a relationship with his bio parents… or the writers have moved on from Lana and Theron as companions. Regardless, we have to keep in mind that Theron is closing in on 40, and he has grown as a character since he first appeared in Star Wars media at age 23 (baby and adolescent only in flashbacks). His issues with his relationships, the Jedi, the Republic, and his bio parents have changed over the course of 17 years. In the last story patch, people who have romanced Theron received letters from both Theron and his mother about how good the player is for him, and it’s very satisfying to see how far he has come.

How does this label of ‘fearful avoidant’ manifest in your fanworks?

Since not everyone is into fic, I’ll drop this behind a cut.

Basically, my version of Theron wants love but is terrified of all the feelings and closeness that come with it. When people get close, he draws away, but still wants them to be close. Theron has had good relationships, but if it gets too serious, he runs. That’s the case for his last major relationship prior to my oc; his Mirialan girlfriend was drawing a tattoo to mark their relationship, and she wanted him to meet the parents. Theron noped out of there pretty hard by taking a long mission off Coruscant and sort of forgetting to tell her. There are several times where he takes a big step with Eva (my oc)– disclosure, physical intimacy, caring for her or letting her care for him – and then he just doesn’t contact her for the next few days. He dives into work to avoid her. Toward the end of their initial relationship, that will turn into weeks and months. He is freaked out when he does things with her that are intimate, sexual or not. He has a lot of fear that he will be left again, so he leaves first.

Theron also sets up a lot of rules and boundaries that the partner has to dance around to get in. After 300,000 words, I just completed a slow burn with the Rishi kiss, because Theron wouldn’t get involved with Eva until after the op to expose the conspiracy was over. There will be more rules once they get to Yavin.

When I was doing research on this, I read a clinical study that found that people with avoidant attachment issues are particularly fastidious about safe sex. They don’t want attachments to their lovers in the form of a disease or a child. Anxious attachments tend to eschew this and take the risk so they can be bound to someone. This is part of why I gave Theron a male birth control implant, but there will also be reference to his back-up (condoms) and back-up back-up (PreP) to ensure there aren’t any adverse consequences for him.

Theron is often alone, but that doesn’t make him lonely by default. In part, that might be due to his avoidance of attachments. Dude can pick up people at a bar and get laid. Theron isn’t adverse to sex, just intimacy. He can find someone to hook up, but that doesn’t mean there is anything beyond sex attached to it. Theron can and does get dates, and he can have relationships ... but that doesn’t mean he can make a healthy connection to the other person. I think his issues are more emotional/internal than they are caused by not getting enough physical contact or affection from others. People want to love him. People reach out to him to be friends or have a relationship. He just doesn’t want it; he avoids it. I imagine that this is partly the case with Jace and his SIS coworkers.

The last fearful avoidant feature I’ll give Theron in my series is the tendency to idealize relationships after they’re dead and over. When the relationship is no longer available, it is held up and made glorious, partially to enable the person not to pursue a different relationship; it’ll never be as good, so why try? This also calls in the tendency for fearful avoidants to fear not only screwing up the relationship themselves, but that others won’t live up to their expectations. Theron is a mess after the Eternal Fleet incident and never moves on from Eva. It’s reasonable when he thinks she’s alive, but for a good two years, he thinks she’s dead… and he can’t. With anyone else.

Unlike the game, I eventually send Theron to a therapist to deal with the fearful avoidant attachment issues. I figure if I’m going to give a fictional character a real-world label, I need to give him a real-world solution that might work.

#swtor #theron shan #character analysis #theron thursday #jedi #jedi philosophy #ngani zho

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oikirstein · 3 years

Text

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐃𝐨 | 𝐊.𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢, 𝐊.𝐊𝐲𝐨𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢, 𝐈.𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚, 𝐖.𝐔𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚, & 𝐓.𝐘𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢

Synopsis: The little things they do that make your heart go doki doki

Contains: Mega fluff to make up for the disgustingness that was my last post, a small mention of death

Posted: 1/2/2021

A/N: Hi, hello, I’m Angela, and I go feral for domestic head cannons :) also I didn’t proofread these because I wrote it in math class

𝐊.𝐀𝐤𝐚𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

Will bring you a cup of tea in the morning

He knows you’ve been having a stressful time at work and wants to try and put you at ease

Always has such a soft tone when he talks to you, its borderline between drooling honey and a whisper

Will give you shoulder rubs when you get home

Always observes you to know when he's coddling you too much

He can tell by the way your nose crinkles ever so slightly and how your shoulders shiver at his touch that it’s time to give you some space

Waits for you to come to bed at night so he can make up for the time you two spent apart

As soon as you lay down and your pretty little head is resting on your soft pillow, he turns over and snakes his cold arm over your waist

“Baby, you’re still awake?”

“I’ll always wait for you, my love”

“Your hands are cold”

“All the more reason for you to warm them up”

The two of you understandably wake up tangled in each other’s arms, grasping onto each other as if you were slipping out of the other’s hands

𝐊.𝐊𝐲𝐨𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢

Best hugs ever

You’ll go over to the gym to surprise him somedays and he’ll just stop whatever he’s doing to come up to you and envelope you in his arms

Yes his coach is yelling at him but he doesn't care

Physical touch is definitely his love language

He was a tsundere before he met you, but after you kept pestering him and flirting, he finally gave in

Literally the biggest softie ever

Will come home from away games with like five stuffed animals and plushies for you

“They reminded me of you”

“Ken, we already have a closet full of these”

“I don’t like it when you’re alone and I’m gone”

He pouts

He’s so cute it has you weak in the knees

You can’t resist standing on your tippy-toes and planting the softest kiss on his forehead

He has hearts in his eyes, before a smirk finds it’s way onto his face

He gently grabs hold of your head in his hands and plants kisses all over your cheeks

One for every hour you two were separated

You’re left hugging in the middle of the doorway—your arms around his waist and his chin resting in the crook of your neck

“I love you,” he whispers

“I know you do,” you whisper back somehow sweeter, with your finger ruffling his hair, “C’mon, let’s go unpack your things, because I’m not letting you leave for a long time”

You always say this when he comes back home, but you make sure to let him go without any regrets whenever he steps out of the door

𝐈.𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚

Yeah this man mhm *drools cutely*

As much as he makes you laugh and question if you’re growing abs from the ache in your stomach, some days when he comes home from work, your heart breaks at the silence that fills your house

He locks the door a little quieter, his steps are just a little quieter, his sighs are a little louder, and his eyes are just a little more empty

That is until you sit down on the bed right next to him

You take his hand in yours and rub circles into his skin

He places his other hand on top of yours and offers you a sympathetic smile

“What happened today, babe?”

He looked down with his smile a little less...smiley

“It was a kid, Y/N. A little girl.”

You knew his job wasn’t easy—being constantly surrounded by death does that to a person

Constantly being surrounded by death also made him cherish life a little more and in turn let him indulge in your warmth a little longer; hold you a little tighter

Even as he sobbed into your shirt, he held you like he was going to lose you

His biggest fear was that you’d surprise him at work for all the wrong reasons

After he calmed down, you offered to make him some tea, to which he agreed

You promptly left him in your shared bedroom, pressing a kiss to his cheek before your left

“I’ll be right back, okay?” he then nodded, watching your frame get smaller

You were in the kitchen, placing the kettle on the gas stove and listening to the click click click until blue flames erupted underneath the metal

You're leaning on the counter watching the steam escape the spout when you feel a big pair of arms come up from behind you

“Couldn’t wait for me, huh?”

“I don’t want to be anywhere you’re not”

You hold his cheek in your hand and place your lips on his jaw

The both of you wished you could stay like that forever

Wrapped in warmth since Mattsun was all too familiar with the cold

𝐖.𝐔𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚

It’s the way he takes care of you

The way he makes sure you’re well fed, that you’re not overworking yourself, that you’re never too lonely when he’s away for volleyball, that you’re always happy

For he was happy as long as you were happy

He always woke up before you, holding your hand in his and kissing the gold band on your ring finger

“How lucky am I to have the pleasure of loving you?” he breathed, taking in your sleeping form

You looked so delicate with your eyelashes fluttering and your chest heaving up and down

“Very lucky” you whispered with your eyes still closed

“Sorry, Y/N. Did I wake you?” he pulled you closer

“Mmm, no” you smiled against his chest

It was the sweet nothings in the morning that he spoke that reminded you of why you fell in love with him

He’ll be making breakfast while you’re just absolutely gawking at him from behind the counter

“Y/N”

“Yes?”

“You’re staring”

“Oh, I know” you’re voice is laced with playfulness

“Why don’t you set the table or something?”

“Already done!” you cheer with your eyes shut and your cheeks tinted red, “It’s not my fault my husband is so handsome”

He stops, mid flipping an egg, with his pupils ever so slightly more dilated and his cheeks tinted the same shade

“Awww did I make my Wakatoshi blush?”

He clears his throat before muttering a “No” and continuing his task

He thought you truly were spending too much time with Tendo

𝐓.𝐘𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢

You like to trace constellations on freckles when you stargaze

He took you out to this big, vast, and empty field with a clear view of the sky

The stars were supposed to be especially bright tonight after all

The two of you laid on a picnic blanket, with your head resting on his bicep for comfort

You sat up, just a bit to prop up your head on your hand as you watched him

You’d stare at his face all day if you could

“Honey, if you wanted to stare at me all day, I could’ve just sent you a picture”

You comically gasp “What! No! Its not the same”

He chuckles at your over-dramaticness “How so?” god he was so in love with you

“Baby, it the ambiance”

He laughed once more, the corners of his eyes crinkling with tears

“You’re so dramatic”

“Only because I love you”

He pulls you in with no hesitation, you can hear his heart race in his chest

He starts playing with your hair with one hand, rubbing your back with the other

“For every star in the sky is a lifetime I’d spend with you”

“Simp”

He tugs on your hair lightly, taking you aback “Hey, don’t act like you weren’t just drooling over my freckles”

“Hey now, I never denied that I simp for you too”

You bring your face up and closer to his, softly placing a peck on his lips and caressing his cheek

“For every star in the sky is how much I love you”

reblogs are greatly appreciated :)

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arhvste · 4 years

Note

Hi! I saw your Dad hcs and istg I wanted more 🥺 can you please make a part two with Sakusa (God i love this man) Hinata, Bokuto and Ushijima (do add more if you want) your works are amazing but the Dad hcs got me 💘

i re-read all my work last night and i consciously kept spelling sakusa’s name wrong 🤠 like i know his name i know what it sounds like but i kept getting mixed up between sasuka, sakura and sasuke because they all look the same to me 😳 I'm sorry sakusa pls forgive me 😼

also i will be doing ushijima in a seperate post for dad hcs with two other haikyuu boys a bit later so dw i haven't accidentally missed or ignored it! :)

SAKUSA, HINATA AND BOKUTO AS DADS

SAKUSA

the two fo you only have one kid so far

a 3 year old girl

you plan to extend your family soon though 👀

you already KNOW this man gets your kid every vaccination available for their age

he is very protective over his daughter

boys near her daughter at the playground

NOT on his watch

he will simply scoop her up and suggest she play somewhere else

this man doesn't care how mean it may seem

he’s not having his precious daughter surrounded by disgusting b-boys 🤮

“have they had their flu jabs? when was the last time they washed their hands? they're breathing their gross little germs too close to her”

“sakusa, they’re 3.”

sorry but no dating for your daughter

sakusa teaches his little girl the concept of “boys have cooties” from a very young age

this man is nothing but proud when that concept sticks with her 😈

“d/n, are you excited for pre-school?”

“daddy said there's going to be boys and boys have cooties so no 😠”

as she gets older though he does become more lenient with her and who she makes friends with

he’ll secretly love it if you brought her to his games

he’s not huge on pda at all

but he won’t mind being caught on camera embracing the two of you when the team win

atsumu is not allowed near your daughter when she’s a baby

“omi omiiiii why can’t i ‘ave a look t’cha daughter?”

“because she has been vaccinated and i fear your disgusting germs may be strong enough to over power it”

when she gets older though she straight up approaches atsumu on her own

“so you’re the rat my daddy talks about a lot? you don’t look like much of a rat?”

atsumu doesn’t know whether he’s flattered that sakusa talks about him or offended that he refers to him as a ‘rat’

he won’t encourage your daughter to play volleyball

he wants her to pick her own hobbies and not feel pressured by his influence on picking an activity she’ll enjoy

secretly hopes your daughter takes up an individual activity like painting or something to keep away from other germ infected kids

but if your daughter does happen to pick a team sport he doesn't complain

she just has to wash her hands before she comes home and have a shower when she comes in

he is a very very proud father

he may not be very expressive about it

but he absolutely brags about his kid to other people

“my son won maths star of the week!”

“yeah? well my daughter won student of the year, highest achieving in her class and had 4 boys confess to her this week so”

he does make sure his daughter knows he is very proud of her despite his petty bragging

anything she does he takes pride in her

it’s her who makes him want to have another kid

so get ready for round two y/n because when sakusa wants something he’ll make sure he gets it 😼

HINATA

now, you may think hinata would be nothing but pure chaos with his kids

but

he is actually very responsible

it’s hardly a surprise though because he grew up with a younger sister whom he took care of a lot

from the second your triplet boys are born hinata is on it

at first when you found out you were having triplets your mind went blank

“so like, 3 little shoyou’s running around my legs? 😀”

“ma’am are you okay?”

“i’m finE :)))”

surprisingly two of your sons took more after you

but the youngest one

phew

he doesn't have an off switch

he’s just like his father

but that’s what makes him so loveable too

hinata is a doting dad

he also encourages his kids to go out and make as many friends

he explains all the opportunities he had growing up and how far these opportunities took him to reach is goal

and this is all because he was open to meeting new people and being friendly with them

he makes sure his kids grow up with lots of aunts and uncles surrounding them

he wants his sons to grow up in a close environment

your kids have so many aunts and uncles because hinata makes a new friend everywhere he goes ufshfi

your oldest son takes a liking to kenma the most

your second oldest takes a shine to uncle oikawa

and the youngest?

uncle kaegyama ofc 😈

lmao when kageyama holds one of your sons for the first time he holds it by the leg with a straight face

nobody thought they’d ever see hinata having to show kageyama how to hold a baby properly

kageyama is lowkey excited he’s the fav but he’s so awkward fjishsgjh

bring your sons to his games

he will absolutely smile and wave at his kids whenever he scores

and will pull them out excitedly into the arena when they win

he has you all plastered on his social media

he thinks everyone should know that you guys are the light of his life

he already had a fulfilled life before his sons but you gave him a whole new concept of love and excitement when they were born

you guys will totally take a vacation to brazil at some point

hinata wants your family to meet all his friends over in brazil too

hinata is mr worldwide 😎

with hinata as a dad, your kids will grow up in a very nurturing home

he wants the best for your kids and will teach them from an early age that any goal is possible

and he’ll support them in every single way he can

BOKUTO

hinata as a dad isn’t chaos

bokuto as a dad certainly is

he’s basically a child himself

you guys have 2 kids

a 5 year old son and a 6 year old daughter

bokuto will try and BEFRIEND your kids

“kou baby, they're your kids not your friends”

“uh says who?”

“biology??? their dna?? the birth certificate??”

he literally lets his kids do whatever they want forcing you to be the bad cop (im so sorry)

your kids want ice cream for dinner?

consider it done

they want to adopt a snake?

bokuto has excitedly taken them to the pet store to pick out one each

you’re always the one who has to say no because if you didn’t these kids would be off the r a i l s

the first time your kids cries he cries

the first time your kids talk he cries

the first time they walk he cries

he’s full of emotion and the love he holds for your kids is often expressed through tears of happiness

when you leave bokuto and the kids alone

things will go smoothly

until one of them starts crying and bokuto can’t stop them

then the other one starts crying and he is clueless on what to do

he doesn’t want to call you because he doesn’t want to look pathetic

so he calls the next best option

uncle akaashi 😼

akaashi is like a walking parent website hfdjbgu

he literally instructs bokuto on what to do through the phone

and if they still won't calm down akaashi will just sigh and agree to come over

you come home to the sight of akaashi reading a story book to your two kids who are staring up at him in awe from the floor

along with your husband

“am i interrupting?”

bokuto will break out into smiles and practically pounce on you when you come home

“everything was under control wasn’t it? right akaashi?” :D”

akaashi will just sigh and give a small smile

“yes bokuto-san, everything was under control”

you give akaashi a small smile of apology and he’ll often join you for dinner

yeah your kids spend a lot of time with uncle akaashi but you know who’s adamant on being the favourite uncle?

uncle kuroo ofc 😎

he will spoil tf out of your kids

we love rich, capitalist uncle kuroo

and he’ll tell them things about bokuto to irritate him

“kids, your dads a criminal he doesn't pay his taxes”

“taxes?”

“money everyone has to pay the government - basically it’s illegal and i think you should call the police on your dad 😈”

you actually have to stop your kids from calling the police on their dad fbhjdsfgu

again, another dad who wants nothing more than for his kids to come to his games

“HEY HEY HEY THAT”S MY FAMILY!!!”

no boundaries with pda

will pick you all up and shower you all with affection when they win

would love if your kids took up volleyball

would tell them it’s the best sport to play

and they actually listen to him hduigefuiew

your son becomes a middle blocker

and your daughter becomes an ace

bokuto could die from happiness

he will absolutely teach your kids and play and bring them to msby practices so they can watch up close and play along too

if bokuto is the father of your kids

good luck but have fun with it

because while yes, he is still your big baby that needs taking care of from time to time

he is also an extremely loving father who would gladly give his kids the world and all the stars

#sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa hcs #sakusa x reader #sakusa x you #sakusa headcanons #hinata shouyou #hinata x reader #hinata x you #hinata hcs #hinata headcanons #bokuto koutaro #bokuto x reader #bokuto x you #bokuto hcs #bokuto headcanons #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu hcs #haikyuu headcanons

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redhoodieone · 4 years

Text

Wrong Number Part 2

A/N: Here’s Part 2! Uh…I don’t really know what to say other than…enjoy it! Hopefully, I can post Part 3 sometime next week.

Warnings: Language, Sexual Content, Text Message Nudes, and Mutual Masturbation.

I’m in complete shock. I know I’m frozen because I can’t literally take my eyes off the text message Jason sent to me. It’s clear; it’s in black and white, staring right at me.

Do you ever think we’ll meet each other?

He wants to meet me. Jason wants to meet me in person!

I want to text him back, but my mind is full of many ridiculous questions and the fears of Jason being a serial killer, or rapist, or just an insane Arkham escapee blows up in my head.

Before I knew it, I see the three bubbles on my screen.

I’m sorry. That was selfish of me to ask you that even though we’re still practically strangers to each other. Forget I asked, please?

My heart suddenly hurts like fuck. The pain I��m instantly feeling is very familiar. A broken heart?

It’s pure agony when I notice Jason texting me again.

I’m not going to be able to text tonight, sweetheart. I’m working late with my brothers. I’ll text you tomorrow. Have a good night. Sweet dreams.

I can’t believe I did this. How could I do this to a guy who’s been so funny, so sweet, and such a good friend in only just four days through text messages?

I seriously fucked up. And now I have no one to talk to until I fall asleep.

And as strange as it is, I only sleep well after I talk to him.

————————————————————————------------------------------

And true to his word, Jason texts me at five in the morning, only to let me know he made it home safe after working with his brothers.

We only spoke about our jobs once. He told me he works alongside police officers and tracks down criminals and helps brings justice to the city. He seemed almost hesitant to tell me and turned the conversation to me as if he doesn’t like talking about work. He made it clear that he would rather keep his work private, and I didn’t push him to tell me more. I didn’t want to ask a lot of questions, even if I’m sometimes curious about it, because I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable about it.

I had told him I’m a waitress at the local diner just a block away from GCPD, and how I’m a late-night writer who dreams of publishing my novel on love and loss. And after I confessed about the book I wrote to Jason, I noticed he was very enthusiastic about that and even told me he wants to read it.

And as the shy and insecure person that I am, I became embarrassed and said no.

That only fueled the fire between us. Jason went on to explain he loves to read. His favorite literature consists of Shakespeare (particularly Hamlet), George Orwell’s 1984 and Animal Farm, and even poetry from Edgar Allen Poe.

He even went into depth of how The Tell-Tale Heart mirrors his own reflection of life and stuck with him during a depressing time in his life.

It wasn’t until after we shared our love for literature that I found myself falling for Jason. As ridiculous and insane as that sounds, I couldn’t help but feel as if he’s the missing piece in my life.

It’s as if he’s the words to my story.

Important, but very valuable to a writer.

I was basically on a high that had me grinning like an idiot, giggling like a moron, and jumping in my seat as my stomach twists and turns like a roller coaster, when Jason refused to take no for an answer after I said he couldn’t read my novel. He even said his dad has connections to businesses in Gotham and could even help me get it published.

As much as I would want that, I couldn’t help but feel that it seems too good to be true. What if his dad took my novel and publish it as his own? What if I get cheated out of a contract and didn’t get paid fairly like I should? What if it’s basically a soul-sucking scam to just fuck my entire life up?

Jason must have sensed my hesitation after that, because he then began to tell me about his brothers.

How his older brother Dick still treats him like a kid, even though Jason is taller and stronger than him.

How his younger brother Tim is a computer nerd and often geeks out over the oddest things.

And how his youngest brother Damian is really a demon spawn, who tries to be tough shit, but is really a soft teddy bear.

He even has a sassy but wise butler, Alfred, who frightens him and sometimes reminds him of Vito Corleone from The Godfather. But the older man loves Jason as much as his dad, Bruce.

The stories about Jason’s family are the best. I always find myself excited to see what he texts me about his family.

How he and his brothers fight over their dad’s car, how they wrestle and spar to see who’s the strongest one, and how whenever one’s in trouble, the other three are already finding ways to save or bail the troubled one out.

It all makes me feel good to know they’re a close family. Especially when my cold, harsh reality reminds me I don’t have a family.

My parents died when I was just fifteen years old. I was in the school library alone during afterhours; reading on a beanbag chair because I didn’t want to go home. At that particular time, my parents were hanging around a different crowd. A crowd that was into drugs and gambling, and possibly other illegal activities I don’t even know about.

So, I chose to stay in the school library that night, sitting in my favorite beanbag chair the librarian allows me to use, reading a favorite horror book, munching away on a hot pocket (a snack also from the librarian), and just enjoy the silence but comfortable environment I would call home.

Then I was told they died in a car accident, but after eavesdropping on Commissioner Gordon and the other cops, I heard there could have been a hit on them.

The car accident happened only a block away from our apartment.

The brakes were cut.

The car was burning too much oil.

The airbags were taken out.

Many noticeable factors couldn’t pinpoint the real crime. Eventually, they just called it a “car accident”, and everything fishy about the case was ignored and never brought up again.

I suffered and struggled a lot in foster homes until I turned 18. I didn’t have any other family members to get into contact with, so I had to make do with the foster care system. After being shipped to three unstable and cruel homes, the last family only dealt with me until I turned 18 and I was soon kicked out. I did get lucky enough to get a job at the diner I’m working at since the new manager needed a pretty young girl to serve the customers.

I even went to Gotham Community College for a year but dropped out when I couldn’t pass any math and science classes.

It was fucking hard.

Science was confusing as hell.

Math was just evil and useless.

I hated those classes so much.

I only passed my English classes because reading and writing only made sense to me.

I even took a creative writing class and poetry class only to discover I want to write.

I want to be a writer.

So, I dropped out of college and decided to work full time at the diner as a waitress. Since no one wants to live and work in Gotham, I’m lucky enough to work morning and night without any issues. As dangerous and scary Gotham can be, I have nowhere else to go, so that’s why I stay here.

Maybe that’s why I’m eager to meet Jason. After everything I’ve been through, maybe I do need a little unpredictability.

Chances.

Risks.

The more I consider meeting Jason, the more I can imagine him being my family.

Or being a part of his.

Maybe.

————————————————————————--------------------------------

“You’re not going to meet him, right???” Stacey raises her voice at me in sheer annoyance and panic. She crosses her arms and glares at me to answer her. “Right, Y/N???”

I sigh as softly as I can while wiping down the booths and tables for the night. In the midst of a battle, I find myself growling with irritation when I can’t wipe away the sticky maple syrup spills on the hard surface.

“He could be a fat, old man who picks up on teenage girls! He’s probably some 40-year-old loser who still lives on his mom’s basement playing Street Fighter with kids! What if he tricks you into meeting up in a hotel room and has his way with you? Then what, Y/N?! Does that sound like a good idea to you?!” Stacey snaps.

I exhale deeply and stand up straight; after leaning over the table to reach the opposite side for some time. Turning around, I face Stacey Patterson, a tall, petite, pretty blonde, fresh face girl straight out of high school. She’s a waitress like me, and after only working here for a year, we’ve become close friends; always looking after each other in dangerous Gotham City.

“I didn’t say I was going to meet him, Stacey. We’re just talking about it,” I answer timidly.

Despite being five years older than Stacey, she still intimidates the hell out of me. Whether it’s her 5’11 height, loud voice, or natural evil glare, I can never speak up or defend myself. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t take a stand.

Because what if I actually piss her off? What if she stops being my friend?

Because I don’t think I could live in Gotham and not have any friends and not know anyone.

Stacey is like my best friend, and her friends Amber and Holly hang out in our group. Stacey even says they’re my friends, too, even though I clearly know they only put up with me because of her.

And if Amber and Holly aren’t my friends, then I’ll just have Stacey. And if I don’t have Stacey, I’ll only have Jason.

And who knows if Jason is who he says he is, and if he’s even real.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Y/N! You’re totally thinking about Jason! You’re thinking about meeting up with him because I could see it in your eyes!” Stacey declares. She waves her arms around to emphasize her point. “You like this guy! You have feelings for a guy you’ve never even met!”

“That is not true,” I argue weakly.

“Yes, it is! And we don’t even know if it’s a guy!”

“Jason is a guy, and I can tell!”

“Oh, really? How? Do tell.”

I stare at Stacey with a serious expression, except my cheeks are burning with embarrassment as usual. “He...comes off like a guy. I know he is. I can tell through his text messages,” I say.

“Anybody can sound like anyone through text messages. That’s how people catfish victims online!” Stacey argues.

“I’m a writer, Stacey. I just...have a feeling, okay? I know Jason says who he is, and I believe him,” I say strongly, as I push a lose strand of my hair behind my ear. “I’m doing this the smart way, too. When he and I decide when we should meet up, I’ll let you know. Maybe we can make it a group thing. I bring a friend. He brings a friend.”

Stacey sighs in defeat when she realizes I’m not backing down. She glances up at me with a stern face. “Fine. When you two decide when you’re both going to meet up, I’ll be there. I’ll be there to make sure he’s not on America’s Most Wanted, and to make sure he doesn’t try to lure you to his mom’s basement. BUT...you have to go on a date. A REAL date with a guy we both know, AND who could be good for you,” she states loudly and clearly.

“But Stacey-”

“Hey! Only until this Jason guy comes to Gotham and we meet him! Until then, I want you to give this guy a chance. A fair chance! For me...please???” Stacey pleads. She pouts and gives me her puppy dog eyes, which she knows I always give in to.

I’m too nice. Mom always said I was too nice, and that one day it’ll get me in trouble.

I’m still wondering when that’ll happen.

“Okay, I’ll give this guy a chance. I swear I will,” I promise and salute her. “But who’s the guy?”

Stacey grins in success and hugs me tightly. “Good! Because you’re like my sister, Y/N, and I just want to see you happy. You deserve it,” she says softly. “And it’s Chace. Remember him? He’s the drummer from, WakeHell. He moved in right next door to me, and I know you two will hit it off right!”

Chace????

Oh yeah. I know him.

He’s a total bad boy. A bad boy I don’t even think I could deal with.

I force a smile but then frown, because the only guy in my life who makes me happy is Jason.

Who I only text.

Who I haven’t even met.

————————————————————————---------------------------------

The next day is a lazy day since it’s my day off. I spent the majority of it sleeping, doing laundry, and just doing minor cleaning around my apartment until it’s 9:00 P.M.

And Cruel Intentions is on TV.

Lying on the couch with my second glass of Vodka Cranberry, I find myself really buzzed and horny. Ryan Phillippe back then was hot, and him making out with Reese Witherspoon is doing things to me.

My phone bings. It’s Jason.

What are you up to tonight, sweetheart?

Just a night in, a cup of glasses of vodka and cranberry, and Cruel Intentions is on TV.

I barely realize I’m buzzed and texting Jason. But my horny side doesn’t care.

I sorry I’m buzzed right now lol.

LOL no worries. I just came back from the bar with my brothers. We had a successful night and decided to get some drinks. We even had Tim and Damian use fake I.D’s.

I laugh and snort. Thank God no one heard me do that.

That’s good...we wouldn’t want Tim and Damian to be left out. They’re your baby brothers, Jay.

Jay? I really like it when you call me that. And I especially like you buzzed. LOL.

I like me buzzed too! I think I’m way more fun and free!

LOL!!! Exactly, princess!

I smile down at my phone. I love it when he calls me princess.

You said you’re watching Cruel Intentions? I just found it on TV. Wow...this movie’s old LOL.

Shut up!!! I find young Ryan Phillppe sexy in this movie!

You seriously find him sexy??? The guy’s a whiny brat! A pussy! Fuck, this movie woulda been sexier if we actually saw the douchebag eat out Cecile and saw him fuck Annette AND Kathryn!

I gasp out loud and giggle.

Then it would have been a porno! Not a movie! Hahaha!!!!

That’s fine with me, princess!

I softly whimper at just the thought of Jason watching porn. Closing my eyes, I imagine how he would sound, touch himself, and look when he’s pleasuring himself.

My eyes shoot open when I hear Sebastian telling Cecile he wants to kiss her…down there. I quickly turn my attention to the TV and watch the movie. Even though he takes advantage of a clueless, drunk girl in the movie, just the thought of him eating her out makes me clench my thighs.

It’s been too long. WAY TOO LONG!

The last guy I was seeing didn’t like to eat me out; claimed it was disgusting and unnecessary to do before sex.

As if sucking his dick was glamorous AND fun!

My thoughts are interrupted when Jason texts me.

You’re quiet tonight…does this scene turn you on???

The laughing emojis he texts me should hurt my feelings since I can easily be embarrassed over sexual things but…he’s right.

I’m turned on with just the thought of getting eaten out.

I boldly text Jack back. Unashamed and VERY buzzed.

You have no idea. Just imagining him eating me out, writing the alphabet with his tongue, and making me have an explosion is making me wet my panties right now.

I laugh to myself just seeing that Jason read my text message and is responding fast. The texting bubbles have never looked so good.

You’re…you’re wet right now????

Yes. Soooo fucking wet.

A surge of drunken confidence hits me, and I quickly shove off my pajama shorts until they’re on the floor. In just my white tank top and pink panties, I bravely slip my fingers into my damp panties and rub the wetness against my sensitive clit.

And with my other hand, I raise my cell phone and snap a picture of fingers in my wet panties.

And I send the picture to Jason.

I bite my lip in anticipation when I see he read my text message and saw my picture. The texting bubbles do not appear on the screen. He’s not texting me back.

Frowning, I wonder if I freaked Jason out. Maybe I crossed the line. Maybe I made him uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just not sexy.

Suddenly, my phone beeps. Unlocking my cell phone screen, I see two text messages AND a picture.

Oh, fuck sweetheart…that’s fucking sexy. You’re fucking sexy…

Jason sends me a picture of him wearing his boxer briefs, and his hand holding his hard, thick cock, showing me the outline and shape of his boner.

Delicious. I can feel my pussy clench just from imagining Jason fucking me with his cock.

Fuck doll...you’re doing this to me.

I whimper pathetically and can’t help but continue to rub my clit and respond back. I can see my juices staining my panties.

Are you touching yourself too?

Fuck yeah. Just seeing your fingers playing with your wet, pretty pussy got me hard. I’m jacking off to your picture.

Would you want me like I want you?

Fuck yes, sweetheart. I probably want you more than you want me.

I slip a finger inside my pussy and moan. My thumb runs fast hard circles on my clit, and I’m soon pushing in two fingers. I’m fucking myself crazy, but I imagine Jason is finger fucking me because my fingers wouldn’t get me off so fast.

And his fingers are thick. His hands are fucking huge!

I bite my bottom lip. “Fuck...I can’t believe I’m going to do this,” I whisper to myself. I snap another picture of my fingers shoved in my pussy, and how I’ve gotten wetter. I send him the picture with the truth.

I need to cum so bad. I wish it was you touching me.

Yeah? What would you want me to do to you, doll?

Fuck that picture’s so hot.

I’d want you to finger me. Eat me out. Fuck me hard.

Jason sends me another picture of him stroking his cock but with his hand in his underwear. I can see a wet spot where his tip is; stained with his precum. I want a taste of it so badly.

Fuck I would baby. Your pussy looks so good enough to eat. I’d fucking eat you out until you can’t cum anymore. I bet you taste delicious.

Oh fuck…I’m so close. I want your cock so bad, Jay. You’re gonna make me cum…

Rub your clit harder baby. Fuck your pussy fast and hard with your fingers. Imagine they’re my fingers, baby. I’d fuck you so hard and deep.

I want to see your cum, okay? Take a picture of that pretty pussy and show me what I did to you.

I do what Jason says. Behind his words, I can feel his authority. Even though I can’t hear Jason’s voice, just reading his words makes me burst like fireworks. My thumb rubs my clit harder, and I crook my fingers just right until I push against my g-spot until I cum. My orgasm is intense, and I force myself to snap a picture of my soaked underwear and fingers. I sent it to him with a lazy smile.

My phone beeps. Jason sent me a picture of his thick, juicy, cum covering his abdominal muscles. I smile a little with pride.

Fuck that was hot, sweetheart. I needed that.

Me too. Now, I’m sleepy.

LOL, I’m tired too. Get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk in the morning.

Okay…goodnight Jay.

I roll over onto my side and shut off the TV. Pulling my UGG throw blanket over my body, I snuggle up to fall asleep. My phone beeps again. Opening one eye, I reach over to read the text message.

Goodnight doll. Sweet dreams.

#dc comics #batman #jason todd #jason todd x reader #jason todd x y/n #jason todd x reader smut #jason todd x y/n smut #jason todd smut

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nostalgiaruinedme · 3 years

Note

Hey I love your fics and writing style and well since I've been meaning to start writing fics I wanted to ask you if you have some advice you'd give.

Ohhh advice? Sure, I can do that! I shall bestow all of my knowledge upon you now, but you gotta look below the cut. Shhhh, it's a secret~

Okay really I just knew this was going to be a really long post and didn't want to clog up everyone's dash lol. ONTO WRITING ADVICE

I kind of live by these rules in writing:

1. Know the rules before you break them 2. ANYTHING can be inspiration 3. Remember the doll 4. Use your resources 5. Don’t hold yourself back 6. Practice 7. Enjoy yourself!!

1. Know the rules before you break them

Pay attention in English class (or whichever class for the language you're writing in) and learn the grammar!! I don't always have perfect grammar in my fics and sometimes I consciously choose to ignore grammar rules to make it more impactful, but you HAVE to know the rules before you break them. Study those grammar lessons! Learn how to use the fun punctuation, like semi colons and em dashes and en dashes and all that good stuff. I know they're scary, but they're a lot of fun too.

ALSO PLEASE USE PARAGRAPH BREAKS IM BEGGING that's like, a HUGE problem I see with a lot of new writers. Paragraph breaks are not optional!! Change 'em when the main topic of the paragraph switches or when a new character is speaking. Overdoing it with paragraph breaks is better than underdoing it, I promise.

2. ANYTHING can be inspiration

Have you ever played Story Cubes?

If you haven’t, it’s essentially this game where you roll the cubes, they each land on a different image, and you gotta tell a story that uses all of those pictures. Some are literally just a question mark or a speech bubble and that’s what you have to use. Me and my siblings used to play the game a lot. And you know what? Some of those stories are the most creative ones we’ve ever come up with. When I say anything can be inspiration for a story or a character, I mean ANYTHING!

I based my Donnie design off of the vintage globes and journals I have in my bedroom.

My little sister threw a pillow at me and it inspired a funny scene I wanted to write in another fic

I designed two OCs off of Mars and Pluto and an ENTIRE 40,000 word fanfiction based off of a space documentary I watched

My NaNoWriMo story last year was based off of the concept of shadows and how cool I thought it’d be if they could talk

Me and my friend made an entire dystopian original story commenting on our world today. It was first inspired by a crack self insert Death Note RP we had at 13 years old. Not kidding.

Literally anything can be inspiration. Challenge your mind!! The best ideas come out of completely ordinary and unexpected opportunities, in my experience. You don’t need one of those super detailed and crazy expensive prompt books (though they are fun) to write a great story. Use music, use a color, use the sky, use your favorite food, use anything! Just find inspiration!

3. Remember the Doll

Remember Mulan?

We never got to see the Huns destroy the village and we didn’t get to see them kill anyone there either. But by showing that doll there, the animators took an entire battle full of death and destruction and summed it all up in one, heartbreaking moment. You don’t need to spend ten pages writing about how horrifying the bad guy was and listing everything he did from start to finish, nor do you need to write an analysis on why she’s bad. All you need to do is show one or two very meaningful ways they impacted the world... and you can do that with something as simple as a doll lying on the ground in a burning village.

Because the doll is there; the little girl is not.

There’s a quote that sums this up really well, and I have it written on the dry erase board by my desk.

“You don't write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid's burnt socks lying in the road.” - Richard Price

And adding onto that, try to write more about what’s there, not what isn’t. Mulan didn’t say ANYTHING about the girl in that scene, but by showing what was there, it told us a story about what wasn’t. Focus on what is in the scene and it will tell your reader about what isn’t.

I do think writing a balance is good though, so I try and keep it around a 3/1 ratio of what is there vs what isn’t. Remember this is art though, not math; you can change the formula as you please just to make it feel right. It all depends on the scene and what you want.

4. Use Your Resources

You know how, in the artist community, there’s this sort of stigma around using references? And some artists have to make posts reminding others that there’s nothing wrong with using references and you even should use them?

It’s the same concept in writing!

There is NOTHING wrong with looking to other writers’ work or keep a thesaurus constantly open or bookmarking a reference page of other words to use than “said”. Nothing wrong with it at all! When I write, I always have two tabs open: my writing document and thesaurus.com. I have a folder on my computer bookmarks of ways to describe a smile and a body language dictionary. Before I write fanfic, I watch a “best moments of *character*” compilation video on Youtube to remind myself of how they speak. I watch fight scenes from The 100 or Avatar or Marvel while I write my own battles!

There are SO MANY resources out there for you to reference. Use them! And if you need some to start with, shoot me an ask. I have a ton.

5. Don’t Hold Yourself Back

One of the scariest parts of writing is the thought of “what will people think?” Creative writing is EXTREMELY personal, and you’re going to find a lot of you inside your work, including the thoughts you didn’t want anyone to know about.

People will discover how often you think about love. People will discover how dark your mind can get. People will discover the morals you hold that even you didn’t know about. They’ll discover that the person you swore you’ve moved on from is still on your mind. They’ll discover that the pain you swore you got over still hurts you.

“you can tell the deepest truths with the lies of fiction” - Isabel Allende

This thought scared me a lot, and still does. I’ve let go of and forgotten about so many story ideas because they were just a little too personal. I could write it and not publish it, but what if someone still sees? Writing, like all art, comes right from the heart and reveals a lot about a person. That paranoia of being known kept me from writing so much.

But I promise you, your most powerful stories are going to be the most personal ones.

I wrote Hated Resemblance based on my thoughts about myself, and I wrote Dagger From the Mirror based on thoughts about myself too. A lot of it is dark, most is painful, and all of it is scary to show the world. But I wrote it anyways and it’s created something pretty amazing.

Hell, even now I’m wondering if I should post that lil anecdote, but I think it’s the best way to make this part of my point stronger. See? Writing about things that affect you is the best way to make them impactful, even for something as simple as advice.

And even if you want to write about light and happy stories- you’re still going to have to get personal.

This all got pretty deep but my point is this: Don’t hold yourself back. Write what you feel you need to and it don’t worry about what anyone will think. Don’t hide that one sentence because you’re scared who will read it because you’re scared to be known so deeply. Add it in even when it’s scary.

That’s something I’m still learning how to do, and it’s a slow process that has taken years... but it’s worth it, I promise.

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” - Natalie Goldberg

6. Practice

I started writing in 1st grade. I’ve written regularly since then, and this is my word count every month this year:

Most of that is fanfiction. Some are just random thoughts, some are really thought out posts or answers to your questions, and some are made up of original stories. That total words written number is since November.

You don’t have to write this much every month, I promise, I just don’t really have any other hobbies lol. My point is that practice is really really really important. Write a paragraph or even just a sentence every day. You’re gonna improve so quickly, I promise.

“Write every day. Writing is a muscle that gets stronger with use.” - Abbi Glines

But take breaks too!!! Don’t overwork yourself. Burn out is a real thing and you shouldn’t force yourself to write just because you’re scared you don’t write enough! Write at a pace that’s comfortable for you. There will always be writers out there who write more than you and even more writers who write less than you. That’s okay. Everyone has a pace they’re comfortable with, and you just gotta find yours. As long as you’re writing consistently, the numbers don’t matter too much. 50 words a day or 5000 are both good!

7. Enjoy Yourself!!

You’re here to have fun!

No matter what you’re writing (angst, romance, fix-it, AUs, hurt/comfort, fluff, ANYTHING), remember that fic writing is supposed to be fun!! You’re not getting paid to do this. On one hand, that sucks, but on the other hand it gives you the amazing opportunity to write literally whatever you want! Find projects you’re enthusiastic about, meet other writers, do collabs, make playlists for your story, create over powered OCs for the hell of it, ignore plot holes and write without regard to canon, or write the most realistic and in-depth canon-compliant book ever. Create the most self indulgent story you can think of!

Have fun. This is your story and you get to write the rules. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Be proud of yourself. You can get all of the comments and feedback in the world, but if you’re not proud of what you wrote, it’s gonna be hard to look back on it with joy. Be proud no matter how many reads it gets—you made it!

“I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.” - Steve Martin

#can you tell I like writing quotes #I have a whole pinterest board full of them #asks #writing advice #writblr #fanfiction #meg rambles

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soulwillower · 3 years

Text

long way home • richie tozier

(richie tozier x reader)

requested: please please please do a richie x reader about long way home by 5sos

warnings: nothing really, some mentions of canonic trauma but its really vague and underaged drinking

i was happy to write this bc it def got me out of my slump! lmk if yall want more fics

(also i loved 5sos so much back when the self titled album came out in like 2014. i was such a huge fan in middle school so this was so nostalgic to write!!)

[reader + losers are in their first year of college, set around early summer 1995.]

2.9k words

♡

"i don't really know what else to do. we have an hour and a half until we meet everyone." you say, breaking the momentary silence that had fallen upon the car after bev had climbed out the back. you hum, settling back against the passenger seat, head lulling to meet richie's gaze.

you can't help but smile. he's looking at you - just staring, fingers drumming against the steering wheel. he hums, too, turning his head, arm grabbing the shoulder of your seat as he backs up the car. "i have an idea. let's just go - what?" he asks, smiling with a chuckle as he catches you staring at him.

you blink as you flush, "i don't know. just really missed you." you say with a laugh, shaking your head as memories flood your mind. his face flickers for a second and he shakes his head, hair bouncing slightly in his flattery. "gee, i missed you too. it kinda sucks that we all went to opposite sides of the country."

you blow air from your lips gently in agreement as richie starts to drive somewhere east. "yeah. not seeing you for six months is, surprisingly, pretty shitty." you say, causing richie to snort. "you could barely handle it." he says, hand shifting gears as he stops at a stop sign.

you roll your eyes, but you don't tell him the truth: he's right. "let me tell you, when i got the bear last, i sure wanted to forget all about you." you say, kicking your feet up on his dash.

you and the other losers all split ways after graduation. of course, you all still kept in touch with phone calls, letters, and that of the sort. but you all had found a favorite way to all still feel close together: a toy canvas bear bev found that you all signed and drew on, shipping it around the country and letting it stay with each person for a week.

you'd all been printing photographs of the bear with yourselves at various places around all your campuses and sending them along with the bear as little post cards. the most recent from richie had the tattooed-bear propped next to him at a party, smirking with the bear in a vulgar position that had made you roll your eyes so hard you almost got a headache.

that was in april, and you spent the month and a half after that missing richie and your other dumbass friends so much it hurt.

richie smiles, "oh, yeah. that bear had some fun times with us up in the ol' N-Y-C." "-don't call it that." "-anyways, i did miss you guys, i wish you could meet my roommate, charlie, he's a hoot. i almost wanted to stay up there and have you come to me, y'know?" you nod, all too familiar with that feeling. "yeah, i wanted to do that too. there was some kind of-" you stop, frowning. do you really want to admit this to anyone? will they think it's weird? but then you remember it's richie. "-i don't know, some kind of dread i felt at having to come back here."

it's quiet for a second, and you think you said something wrong, but richie's knuckles tighten slightly and he nods, "me too. i have...bad feelings from this place. i didn't want to say anything, but- i don't know. i feel like something's..." but the thought seems to swim away from his voice, getting lost in the dredges of his brain.

and then as if on cue, the old car bumps its way over a speedbump and you cross past old neibolt street near the tracks.

a sick shiver runs down your spine as your eyes fall on the long road, fading away and extending as far as your eye can see...almost into a foggy dark haze, the train tracks running parallel making you feel desolate.

clouds suddenly move to cover the sun in the sky and you feel cold - you feel like something happened here, something important - but you have no idea. it makes you anxious, so you just swallow, saying nothing and instead looking ahead. richie does the same, and his knuckles are pale against the wheel.

"the only reason i came back was so i could see everyone." you say. it's quiet, but you know richie's agreeing with you.

the car rumbles on, eventually pulling past your old high school. you perk up, pointing to the glass and laughing. "wow, look at that shithole."

"swore we'd never go back there, didn't we? when we left?" richie says, amusement lacing his tone. you're clearly both relieved to have changed the subject, and you nod, chewing your lip. "yeah. you know, i know it was really terrible and stuff, but i have some pretty fond memories from that place."

humming, richie nods and slowly pulls into the parking lot. “remember those days?” he says, “kickin back in the ol’ schoolyard during lunch.”

you do remember those hot days, richie, bill and bev smoking cigs while you and eddie play a game of marbles or scramble to copy richie’s math homework. ben reading a book, mike eating stan’s sandwich. the heat barreling down on the eight of you...

he stops the car next to the football field and you snort slightly at its misery in the dying purple and blue of the summer twilight. "remember those bonfires that were always over in the woods right there?" he points a chipped nail towards the dense trees on the other side of the field, and you can see it.

the crackling of the wood, the orange glow reflecting the light strands of stan’s dark curls. there’s a sea of students from your class and the class above, everyone rowdy with drunken fun. there’s laughter drowned out by the boombox placed on the outskirts, blasting a salt-n-peppa song that has eddie bouncing around with some kids from track. over to the side, you can nearly see bev's lips curl around a note as richie strums on someone else's guitar, putting together some surprisingly pleasant chords while mike throws twigs into the fire, singing softly with richie and bev.

you can almost smell the smoky hot air from those nights and you remember the odd sensation of feeling invincible back in those days, when your greatest fear was nothing more than coming across your parents when you were too hungover to remember anything the next morning.

it’s almost melancholic, the realization that you’ll never have those years again. you’ll never have your friend group in the same way as you did in high school, and it was barely over a year ago. it hurts a bit, until you realize you’re here, in the car with richie.

but still, despite the feeling, you grin. “why did we think it was a good idea to party so close to the school?”

richie chuckles, “it was safer. for some reason.”

it makes you smile, "i wonder if those pabst cans are still hidden in all those hollow logs." you muse, a gentle smile splaying over your lips. richie huffs a small laugh at the memory of jorge garcia drunkenly stuffing the empty beer cans quickly into the log when the cops came.

a car pulls into the vacant lot behind you, and richie takes the liberty of driving away again, still not really sure where you're going.

the trees roll past, and soon you're passing through the downtown section of derry, causing the two of you to fall silent as your eyes flick up and down the nearly desloate streets. the aladdin passes by quickly and you remember going to see so many films with the others for less than five bucks a pop, richie slipping an arm around your shoulders and whispering in your ear about the weird worker who always gave you the eyes.

you smile lightly as your eyes fall to look ahead, passing the corner store. you remember how many times you and richie and stan stopped there after classes or during lunch to grab slushes while the workers weren’t looking. you remember the sticky fingers and bright blue tongues.

then as you stare more at the ugly front of the store, memories from middle school scratch the surface of your brain. "didn't the boys..." you say, perking up as you turn and watch it pass, richie looking at you attentively. "-eyes on the road, rich." you say absent-mindedly, "...didn't they... steal stuff from there? i can't remember why... it was for ben. tissues?" you ask, tilting your head. richie's brows furrow. "i had to stay outside with him, all i remember is bein' pissed i couldn't go in. dunno why, though." he mutters. you hum, sinking back in your seat.

"crazy, how quickly you forget your childhood." he says quietly.

the town slowly fades away before your eyes, and its just then that you realize you're going the opposite way from bill's. then it's plain grassland and marshes, dipping into the barrens. your lips twitch and the silence, while pleasant, makes you feel nervous.

you look to richie, all nervous slowly releasing from your body.

you feel stupid for thinking it, and you don't dare say it, but there's something really sweet about being in the middle of nowhere with him.

you feel like driving along this ugly, terrible road on the outskirts of a truly ugly and terrible town with someone as beautiful and captivating as richie is such an important moment; as if the roads along here are a place only you and richie share to yourselves.

"i kind of like taking the long way home with you." you let slip instead, instantly feeling hot and panicked as the words leave your mouth. "y-you know, because i just really didn't want to- er, i don't like being-"

as you stutter out some excuses, he leans forward towards the wheel, face turning to you with a smirk. "oh?" he asks. you feel flustered, your hands sweating and heart tingling as you stare at his handsome face.

"god, sorry." you say, feeling flushed, "i don't know why i keep rambling. it's so awkward."

"y/n, you could talk about anything." he says with a laugh, and you look at him, trying to ignore the sheer zoo of animals parading around in your stomach and instead escaping this moment with a sarcastic, "even dead squirrels?"

he rolls his eyes and shakes his head, his hair glinting in the light. "yeah, whatever baby. i just don't wanna be wasting my time alone when i could be here with you. that's what i'm trying to say."

and the stupid pet name almost makes you snort but you also get butterflies, the words that he's said making you smile so wide you're almost embarrassed. "yeah, well." you say bashfully, "i guess spending my time with you is, like... the best part of coming back home."

you avoid eye contact, staring out the window as you pass the house of your junior year bio partner. "hey," richie nudges your jaw and you almost jump at the feeling of his cold ring against the warmth of your skin. he speaks softly. "i'd never let you down, you know." he says, mischief in his eyes. you smile against his hand and look at him, his blue eyes warm and inviting and looking like home.

your eyes fall back towards the windshield and you see a sign up ahead. shifting, you look at richie again to find him still staring.

he's got such a terrible habit of watching you instead of the road (he has since high school), and that combined with his lead foot (also since high school - wentworth tozier was a menace on the streets) has you conditioned into reminding him of every obstacle that he may run into while driving.

"stop sign, richie." you mutter, knowing in his ramble he won't notice it (it happened way too many times as high schoolers). he seems to not really hear it, and you say again, "stop sign!"

just before it's too late, the car lurches as he slams the breaks and you just barely hit the white line, your hands bracing yourself against the dashboard. "oh my god." you hiss, shaking your head. richie's laughing.

"we've been hitting every red light. can't i just have one pass to not stop at one of these things?" richie says. you roll your eyes with a slight head shake. you can't believe him.

"you'll be the death of me, tozier." you mutter. richie's still laughing quietly and then he takes a big sigh, hand reaching out. you lean forward, hand reaching for the volume knob on the stereo just as richie does the same, and your hands brush by accident. you feel warm and instead of pulling away, his hand covers yours and he gently turns your hands, bringing up the volume of a green day song. it's seemingly just in the background as you watch your hand in richie's, then slowly turning your gaze up to his face.

he just stares at you as you stare back, wanting so badly to kiss him but wondering if he feels the same.

"hey." he whispers, quiet for the first time possibly ever. "hey." you respond softly, watching as he comes a bit closer. his hand is still in yours. "i am so happy to be home. with you." he says sincerely, his eyes wide and honest behind his glasses and his smile soft. your breath catches slightly and you smile, "me too. i always feel like this is the way it's supposed to be. u-us."

something in richie's eyes change, a light of sort, and then he's leaning into you and you're kissing.

his hand that isn't in yours falls to softly rub your thigh and you're taking a shuddering breath as your lips touch his. he tastes like mint chapstick and those stupid red-hots he was eating earlier, his lips slightly cold but his tongue warm as he slowly pulls you closer to him.

your mind almost falls blank as the world melts away, the only thing in your mind is how long you've missed out on this - richie is kind of unexpectedly a fantastic kisser. you pull him closer by his hair as his tongue grazes yours, his thumb tilting your jaw for a better angle.

but suddenly a horn honks loudly behind you and you both spring apart, your stomach panging with anxiety at the noise.

"shit." you hiss as you remember you're at a stop sign. richie snorts slightly, a smirk on his face despite the blush on his high cheekbones, feet going back to the gas pedal and clutch. his hand leaves your thigh as he drives forward and you clear your throat as the car turns behind you at the intersection, leaving you two back in the middle of nowhere with just you two.

it's tense for a few minutes, neither of you two really talking and you can tell the tension is going to kill richie, his hand twitching on the shift and his leg bouncing.

you break the silence after a couple more moments, "did you want to pull over-" "-yes." he says quickly, car almost swerving as he pulls off the road near the quarry. you laugh and grip the handle of the car as you slide to a stop and he laughs too, the feeling of glee unmatchable.

you both unclick your seatbelts after gaining a few breaths, and then you're leaning over the console to kiss richie hard enough on the lips that he falls back towards the window. he holds your face with his hands and he laughs a bit into the kiss, teeth grazing your bottom lip before tugging it. "goddamn, you're eager." he mutters into your mouth.

you smirk, pulling back. "fine, i don't have to kiss you. we have to be at bill's soon, anyways." you say, feigning a fake dismissive voice.

"wait, no, no. we've still got 20 minutes." richie defends after glancing at the stereo on the dash. his eyebrows raising in a plea. you giggle, leaning towards him and bringing your arm over. he's beaming as your face nears his and he moves to kiss you but you turn your head, instead letting his lips graze your neck as you lean to turn off the headlights.

"tease." richie mutters hotly against the skin of your neck before biting down softly, kissing over the skin. "i thought you said i was eager?" you say with a teasing smile. he hums, "y'know, it's pretty unfair to be teasin' me, toots. i've been eager to kiss you since we were seventeen." he says, and you can't help but smile, pulling him in to a kiss as his hands slide up your thighs and yours tangle in his messy curls.

you pull away slightly, "you want to get in the backseat?"

taglist: @gabiatthedisco @blisshemmings @stenbrozier @sft-core @clownsloveyou @moon-shine-baby @trashedfortozier @daughter-of-the-stars11 @oceandog13 @chl0bee @kait16xo @upamongthestarss @fiantomartell @beverlyparkerr @beauregard-s @screammin @leighjaenikhowell @cowbellies @deepestofwaters @five-motherfucking-hargreeves @sassy-uris @loverloserrr @hauntingkaspbrak @soph-ec @hockslutter

#richie tozier x reader #losers x reader #losers club x reader #bill denbrough x reader #stanley uris x reader #eddie kaspbrak x reader #beverly marsh x reader #mike hanlon x reader #ben hanscom x reader

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kris-p-banana-bread · 3 years

Text

Here DOAFP fandom, have some organic, locally-sourced, home-grown pain. This is basically just me, a scarred older sibling, projecting on Bobby, another scarred older sibling. I really reached into my post-loss psyche for this, so I hope you enjoy the headcanons and meta (AKA I hope you shed at least one tear).

It won’t let me link it here so the post that inspired this is under the read more at the bottom ✨

- When I first watched doafp, I couldn't understand Elena's aversion to Sam becoming a prominent figure in her mom's and her life. Now I understand it almost too perfectly. There was never supposed to be someone after Robert. He and Gabi were deeply in love and happy. Robert was it; he was the first and true love of Gabi's life. Sam showing up probably felt like a huge and utterly disrespectful slap in the face of Robert's memory, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I don't know if that's as eloquent as I wish it was, or if it makes sense, and it probably sounds really mean to Sam, but it's not even really about him. It was always supposed to be Robert; Sam hasn’t earned the right to be apart of or associated with her family

- After Robert dies, Gabi and Bobby make it a habit to find and keep photos and recordings/videos of Robert, even if the latter only has him saying one sentence. They won't make Elena join them for the search, but after they find some of those old audios of Robert, they'll sometimes play them back for little Elena

- Bobby put up the keep out sign (I credit this to a few other blogs for discussing this tho) because that's where he would cry sometimes. He actually used to be pretty close with Elena, but after he put up that sign and started distancing himself from them a bit so they wouldn't see the times he cracked, he got a little more short and jaded with her. It's that, plus just growing into a teenager and stuff. And I'm not saying that he and Elena have a bad relationship, but he's become more snappy and has more walls up than he used to

- Sometimes Elena feels bad because she doesn't always remember her dad's voice. She was pretty young when he died, so even though she recalls it a bit, and the recordings help, it's been a while since she's talked to him in person, so of course she doesn't quite remember what it's like to actually talk to Robert and she's forgotten some of his mannerisms. She likes to think she's all done (she marked the stages down in her grief journal after all) but grief isn't linear or all that rational, so it hits her hard sometimes

- I keep reading as an action close to my heart because that's a strong bond me and my mom shared. She would rec books to me, and we would joke and talk about them, or she would hint to some future event and then refuse to tell me until I caught up to that part. So Elena and Bobby do something similar in their grief. Elena has writing and words, because that's something Robert loved if I remember correctly (but if I’m not and that’s not canon, then I now declare it so) and Bobby has tennis. But besides tennis (I sent a couple anons to @freshlybakedfandoms about it but I'm not sure where she went) Bobby also was taught to play guitar by Robert (I liken it to Devi Vishwakumar and her harp) so when he misses his dad or is just sad, he'll take out his dad's old acoustic and strum

- (This next one is something I also think a lot about so this is pretty much 98% projection) Bobby thinks sometimes about the fact that he was never able to come out to his dad. He hadn't really started growing into that part of himself yet, and he never got to show it to his father. He wonders what he would have thought of him. Would he be angry? Would he dismiss him and say it was just a phase? Bobby didn't think so, but a little part of him insisted that you could never be too sure. After he comes out, Gabi and Cami assure him that Robert would've been so proud of him and would've loved him regardless (Since we know virtually nothing about him, I maintain that Robert was one of those dads who teases their kid relentlessly about their crushes and I think he would've done that with Bobby and eventually Elena)

- When Elena's quince rolls around (if she chooses to have one of course), Sam dances with her during the father-daughter dance. A part of her still hurts, still aches and wishes that Robert were dancing with her too; still knows on some fundamental level that he and Gabi had planned for this day, but he had simply never made it. But she's known Sam long enough that she feels comfortable here. Nobody can replace Robert, but Sam is her family, and it feels right like this.

- I might do some more research and deliberate, but for the moment I'm saying that Robert had cancer, I’m thinking along the lines of colon. My mom was terminal, but idk if I should make Robert terminal? Maybe towards the end. Or maybe he was diagnosed as incurable early on but Gabi kept it from the kids because, tbh, being told your parent is balancing on that kind of edge is traumatic for them. So anyways, I’m going on that assumption for this last point, and I’ll see if I can recover some of my old knowledge and talk about technical stuff later if anybody would like to hear it

- Elena and Bobby were both pretty young. Bobby understood about PET scans and tests somewhat, and knew generally what different answers from doctors meant. Elena mainly just understood what was happening by reading her parents' and brother's expressions when getting lab results in from the doctor. They both remember on some level what it was like when Gabi would leave the kids with Cami and take Robert out to the car (later she would have to help him) and they would all feel like they were holding their breath until they got back and confirmed that everything was ok (and later, the little shocks of fear when the answers were no longer as positive and there was more apprehension and risks. After all, cancer doesn’t deal in absolutes)

- Bobby can still remember Robert when he had to stop walking around a lot. He still remembers the phone call that Cami got from his mom, saying that something had gone wrong, and if this last treatment didn’t work, he wouldn’t have much time before he passed. Still remembers Cami rushing into a room when she got that call, and trying to hide what was happening until Gabi could get home and explain it; but Bobby was a sharp kid believe it or not. He heard about the treatment, heard Cami crying. He still had hope... but when Robert came home in a gurney, when he could barely stay awake sometimes, when his voice was quiet and his skin was a little jaundiced, Bobby felt incredibly empty. But Robert always had a smile for his wife and his beautiful kids, even if it was small and very tired, his eyes still crinkled the same. He always had a smile; right up until they had to say goodnight and get some sleep one night. And then... he passed.

- After he passed, the Cañero-Reeds needed help, and a lot of Gabi’s coworkers would bring food or materials if they were running low. Cami and Danielle would babysit and would distract the kids when Gabi needed a good cry.

- Like you’d imagine, and because of what is sort of implied in canon and in my own head, the kids dealt with it in different ways. Bobby put up that sign, and withdrew. He wasn’t awful, but his patience with certain people got a bit shorter and he was a bit quieter. And he was a really good helper when he had the energy and he cared deeply, but he would sometimes get physically and emotionally exhausted after helping Gabi/Elena/Cami/anybody else with something and would go into his room or mentally tap out to recharge. He took comfort in things that seemed natural and that he sometimes took for granted before, like video games and skateboarding (hehe bobby skateboards. Anybody second me on this?) and clothes etc... and other stuff. A lot of materialistic things or experiences that he would skip out on before. But they bring normalcy back to his life now so he loves them for that.

- Bobby doesn’t wanna think about big themes or anything anymore, which I can’t remember but I think it was Vi (freshlybakedfandoms, again, idk where she is and I hope she’s ok) who said he was a math and science person and I think that as much as that could transfer over to those subjects as well, it’s much harder to avoid existential and emotional themes in English and History class and Bobby doesn’t like it as much as Elena does for that reason. He had to live with the back and forth of his dad’s treatments and tests, so math and science is comforting because it’s more concrete (There could be a million arguments for why he would distrust math and science because of his dad’s passing though, I realize) Ultimately, though, it reminds him of Robert too much.

- On the other hand, after a period of shock and confusion, Elena threw herself into new things. First it was a grief journal, to make sure she was going through the motions. Then she read a lot, and when she felt too alone or like she wasn’t doing enough, like she was stagnant, she’d just find something to focus and persevere on again. That feels like her personality type to me; something is wrong so let’s fix it right away. But that could also transfer sort of negatively into “Something feels off or I’m very sad, let’s get this thing done and be productive so we can put off having to confront that but at least we get work out of it” but I could be entirely wrong (this is based off some of my family members and how they dealt with the loss.) And Elena throws herself into history and english because her dad loved it, and she wants to remember more of him. Because she believes words have power and history is a lesson and that’s incredibly interesting for her

#bear talks #doafp #robert cañero reed #bobby cañero reed #gabi cañero reed #elena cañero reed #camila doafp #sam faber #fun times #sorry?#I can write a cute fluffy fic to make up for it #i cri #also sorry if I made these a bit too much about bobby #I just relate to him as the older sibling #I added some more so if it got out of hand I’m sorry #tell me and I can make it neater #my meticulousness might just make myself do that on my own tho

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abaikgirl · 3 years

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I posted before about how lucky Endeavor was that Nighteye died before he was officially named number one hero and here’s a fanfiction I wrote to illustrate exactly what I meant by that. (it’s also on Ao3 if you want to go support me there. Use the link in my description)

And you should know I had to physically restrain myself from including my ocs in this because then the story would have been a multichapter and we don’t have time for that right now.

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“And the number one hero for this year is the Flame Hero, Endeavor!”

The crowd cheered but Mirai remained still and quiet in his wheelchair. Endeavor the number one hero? The idea was unfathomable. He knew he had taken the number one spot (by default) after All Might’s retirement and he had assumed that his (default) status would not hold. Not against such fine and charismatic heroes like Best Jeanist, Hawks, and Ryukyu. But it appeared despite Endeavor’s lack of charisma or any likeable qualities whatsoever, he had taken the number one spot.

He glanced at All Might who sat only a few seats away from him, expecting some sort of reaction, but he was clapping and smiling with everyone else. Surely All Might saw what a problem it was to have Endeavor as the number one?

“Everything all right, Sir?” Mirio asked from over his shoulder. He had volunteered to wheel Mirai around for this excursion. He had insisted that he had recovered enough to walk, but his doctors and Mirio had been adamant that his body needed the rest, hence the wheelchair. His sleeve fluttered loosely at his side, a reminder of his missing arm. And while his whole body seemed to protest at even sitting up, he didn’t like the idea of everyone coddling him. It was just a near death experience. He didn’t see why that gave everyone an excuse to treat him like he was made of glass.

“I’m fine,” he replied. “Just thinking.”

After the ceremony, he spoke briefly with All Might. Things were improving between them, but there was still a whole chasm of unspoken words between them that neither were willing to breach just yet. It didn’t seem like an appropriate time to bring up his feelings about Endeavor taking the number one spot and he suspected All Might already knew how Mirai felt about it. So they made polite conversation, wished each other well, and Mirai was taken home.

He wasn’t sure what exactly prompted him to pick up the phone a few days later and dial the Endeavor agency. Maybe it was the conversation with All Might earlier that day when he mentioned that Endeavor had asked him for advice on how to be a symbol of peace. Maybe it was the ache in his side or maybe it was the all encompassing boredom of not having anything to do. Whatever it was, there was no one around to stop him from making the call.

All he had to say was his hero name and that he wanted to speak directly to Endeavor and he was connected to him almost immediately. He may be officially retired, but his reputation alone made it easy to get in contact with any hero he wanted. People respected his foresight as much as they feared it.

“Hello?” Endeavor answered in a gruff tone. Mirai frowned. He was as unhumorous as ever.

“Hello. I apologize for calling you during the day, I am sure as the new number one hero you are very busy.”

That wasn’t entirely true. Mirai wasn’t sorry at all to have interrupted Endeavor in whatever he was doing, he only said it to give him an opportunity to be gracious or humorous or show any sign of charisma at all.

“I am busy. What do you want?”

Strike one. “All Might told me you were asking for advice about how to be the new Symbol of Peace. As his former sidekick, I thought I might offer my own insight into the issue.” Endeavor was quiet, so Mirai plowed ahead. “Is there a time and place we could meet?”

“I have some time later this evening. Come by my agency at eight.”

No offer to come to him, which in another other situation Mirai would consider rude, especially given his current state, but it was nice to have at least one person who didn’t treat him like fragile goods. A mark in the positives, but it was a hesitant one.

“Very well. I will see you then.”

* * *

Mirai sat across from Endeavor, his pale suit hanging a little looser and the lines under his eyes a little deeper than usual, but other than that he looked as put together as ever. He didn’t use his wheelchair, but did take his cane. For all his bluster that he was fine, walking was an exertion these days and the cane helped.

Endeavor stared him down from across the table. He seemed to be struggling to find something to say. Mirai simply stared him down and remained stubbornly quiet in order to force him to say something first.

“You are looking well,” Endeavor managed at last in a forced polite tone.

“Thank you,” Mirai replied. “I recently lost ten pounds.” He reached over and shook his empty sleeve. Endeavor paled at the reference to his injury and remained silent. “That was a joke,” Mirai said, letting the sleeve fall to his side again.

“Oh. Right. Of course.”

He sighed. He knew his sense of humor often came as a surprise to people, but that should have at least elicited a laugh of surprise. Strike two.

“You said you had some advice for me?” Endeavor began.

Mirai cut him off. “I will be blunt with you, Endeavor. I do not think you deserve the number one spot. I do not think you are capable of being the symbol of peace that people need right now. In short, I find you lacking of any charisma or humor at all. You are completely and totally unworthy of the position given to you.”

Endeavor’s flames rose a little higher on his shoulders as his scowl deepened. He stood up so fast he knocked over his chair. “How dare you,” he roared. “You come in here under the pretense of help to insult me?”

Strike three. He was unmoved by his display of anger and he watched him with clinical indifference, like a scientist observing a volatile but predictable chemical reaction. “It is not an insult if it is a statement of fact.” His gold eyes were hard and cold as he stared him down. “I am aware of your track record of being unnecessarily violent when subduing villains. I am also aware of your...questionable treatment of your family.”

He recoiled a bit. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I may not be able to be a hero any more, but I can still do math. Your children are all exactly four years apart, almost as if you were more interested in manufacturing a favorable quirk mixture than being a father. Not to mention the fact that your wife has been in a mental institution for the past six years. Honestly, based on your behavior in these past few minutes I am surprised you didn’t drive her to madness sooner.”

Endeavor was on him before he could blink, lifting him out of his chair by the front of his suit. Mirai could feel the heat from his flames on his face. “You shut your mouth--” Whatever obscenities he had left to say were silenced as the top of Mirai’s cane slammed into his gut. He let the thin man go and Miria spun the cane around and jabbed him in the throat. He stumbled away, clutching his neck. The hit hadn’t broken anything, but it had traumatized his larynx enough to give Miria a few moments of silence. Endeavor was lucky, if Mirai had been in peak physical condition the blow would have crushed his windpipe.

He stepped back and straightened out his suit coat. “All Might wasn’t just a hero when the cameras were on him. He was always kind and caring, no matter how tired he was or how vile the villain before him. To him, every life had value. Even now, as a retired hero, he shows compassion towards brash, violent heroes like you who think strength is all it takes to be a symbol of hope and light.”

Endeavor let out an angry wheeze, but had no other reply.

“You are unworthy Endeavor. And unless you can find a way to change your nature, I am afraid that is how you will remain.” He turned and made his way towards the door.

“Wait,” Endeavor called. His voice was strained and strangled, but he appeared to have recovered from Mirai’s attack. “Tell me what I have to do. All Might said I need to find my own path, but I don’t know what that means.”

Mirai’s expression was as stern as his tone. “Grow a spine and stop being so afraid of what people think of you.”

* * *

It didn’t take long for word to get around about Mirai’s visit to the Endeavor agency. Toshinori of course was appalled. “I understand that it’s your nature to speak your mind,” he scolded him. “But you can’t impose your vision of what a symbol should look like on other people.”

They sat in front of the teacher’s dorm at UA. Mirai had come to see Eri and Midoriya for the first time since his discharge from the hospital. He watched Eri laugh and smile as she ran after Mirio. Some other members of class A were joining in on the impromptu game of tag out on the lawn and Mirai and Toshinori stood off to the side. Mirai watched how kind and gentle Midoriya was as he played with Eri and his classmates. It was a far cry from the nervous, stammering boy who stood in his office a month ago.

“I already apologized to Midoriya for my harsh assessment of him,” Mirai replied.

Toshinori spat up a bit of blood in surprise. Sir Nighteye very rarely apologized and rarely did he apologize for his assessment of a person. “This is not about Young Midoriya. This is about Endeavor. I understand your concerns, but isn't it better that people have an imperfect symbol than nothing?”

“If he stepped down, they wouldn’t have the lack of a symbol, but a better one. Any other hero in the top ten could do a better job than Endeavor. Except perhaps Hawks.”

“What’s wrong with Hawks?” he replied. “I would have thought of all of the heroes in the top ten you would like him the most.”

“He is humorous and young, yes. But I’ve heard him openly admit he dislikes All Might and that automatically makes him untrustworthy.”

Toshinori sighed and rubbed his eyes. “You are as insufferable as ever, aren’t you?” His tone was soft and endearing as he said it. It was a phrase Mirai heard often when they had worked together.

He smiled. “That is who I am.”

Toshinori looked at him and realized he was texting on his phone. “Are you even paying attention to me?” he asked.

“I am. I heard every word. I can listen to you and send Endeavor anonymous texts at the same time.”

“You’re what?” He tried to grab the phone from him, but Mirai was faster and he kept it out of his reach. “Where did you even get his personal number?”

“I gave it to him,” Todoroki said. They looked up and saw he had managed to walk up to them without either of them noticing.

Toshinori took advantage of the moment to snatch the phone out of Mirai’s hands. “Young Todoroki, no matter what Sir Nighteye might have said to you…”

“He didn’t ask me for it,” he replied. “After he told my old man off, I asked Midoriya to pass the number along to Sir Nighteye.” He nodded to him. “Thank you for what you’ve been doing.”

Toshinori scrolled through the conversation, which were all just messages Mirai had sent. Endeavor hadn’t replied even once. It appeared to be a thorough critique of every fight public villain incident Endeavor had been involved in for the past few weeks. Some of the texts were actually very constructive. Others were more...belligerent.

“So he has been getting them,” Mirai replied. “I’ve been worried that they weren’t going through.”

“Don’t worry. He’s been getting them.” Todoroki smiled. “It’s almost all he can talk about anymore. He knows it’s you but he also knows he can’t do anything to get you to stop.”

“Tell him I will lose his number the moment he stops being a self-centered man child.”

Toshinori put the phone in his pocket with a deep sigh. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“Me?” Todoroki asked.

“No, Sir Nighteye. I know exactly what I’m going to do with you.” He puffed up into his All Might form. “Extra laps at training for the next week!”

He shrugged. “Alright.” He bowed slightly. “It was nice to meet you, Sir Nighteye.”

“And you, Young Todoroki.”

As soon as he left, Mirai pulled out a second phone and continued texting. Toshinori gaped at him. “If you had a second phone, then why did you put up all of that fight?”

“My doctor said I need more exercise.”

The joke made him laugh, louder and longer than he had in a long time. He put a hand on Mirai’s shoulder. “I missed you.”

He smiled up at him. “I missed you too.”

#bnha fanfiction #mha fanfiction #sir nighteye #mirai sasaki #all might #toshinori yagi

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icy-hxt · 3 years

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can you tell me what you think about the kids at 1a?

hi anon, I'm sorry that I took so long to answer this, when I saw your ask I felt really lazy, because there's too many people in the class lol

this is going to be a long post, since we have 20 characters to cover, so I'm putting it under the cut

okay, first of all I want to say that I don't hate any of the kids at 1a besides mineta, BUT, I do have a feeling of indifference towards at least half of them and do dislike some, I always thought that the story would been benefited if there were less people in the classes, since hori would've been able to develop them better, so don't expect me to talk a lot about everyone. also, don't take everything that I say too seriously, this is not a character analysis, I'm just doing it for fun.

anyway, the order that I'm using to list them is their seating arrangement in the class, so let's start

yuga aoyama: I already said this here before but I really like aoyama, he's ridiculous in the best way possible, he feels like a character that horikoshi took away from ouran high school club or something. since the chapter where he and deku became friends were released I felt like he deserved more screentime, because his backstory about him thinking of himself as different than the other kids in the class because of his quirk being "defective" is really interesting, I always wanted to see more of his friendship with deku and he overcoming his fears (since he was shown to be easily frightened)

mina ashido: I LOVE mina, I think that her design is so cool and her personality is really likable, when we had the kirishima flashback and we saw her protecting her friends from machia even though she was scared too was the moment that I decided that we deserved to see more of her in the story, I really liked to see she having a bigger role for a female character in a shonen, I wasn't too bad in the war but I still want more

tsuyu asui: okay, this is going to be controversial because I feel like everyone likes her, but I feel really indifferent towards her, maybe I was influenced by one of my friends that really doesn't like her but since that scene where she says that going to rescue bakugo is the same as acting like villains I started to not care about her all that much, and yes, I know that she admitted that she was wrong and everything but yeah, I don't really click with her personality (but I don't hate her, please don't be mad at me kdbdgsusj)

tenya iida: ah, what a respectable little man iida is, I really like him, I think that the way that he take everything so seriously is hilarious, like him acting super dramatically in their exams to be as similar as possible to his vision of what a villain is. I really like how he grew since the stain arc and how he decided to be a hero that prioritizes the safety of others in detriment to fighting the villains. I'm really happy that he became the focus of the story lately and that he was the one who could hold deku's hand, I want him to have a bigger role in the story for now, maybe even encountering with stain again and showing to him that he's now a great hero

ochaco uraraka: I love her personality, she's really cute, and her fight with bakugo at the beginning of the story was a highlight to me back then, but, I feel like her character became too much attached to deku after aoyama made her realize that she likes him, almost felt like her personality was gone and her only defining feature was having a crush on him, anyway, thank god that apparently she's going to have importance right now in the story because she's too much of a cool character to become just the romance interest for the male lead

mashirao ojiro: denki playing with his tail is cute, I think that is funny how horikoshi always describes him as the plain one, it was cool when he refused to participate in the sports festival because he didn't felt like he deserved

denki kaminari: oh this sweet dumbass, I love him, he's so funny and cute, I think that is that funniest thing how he just decided to call bakugo "kacchan" and is super overly friendly with him and bakugo just lets him, I actually don't think that he's "stupid" as part of the fandom seems to think, I strongly believe that people can be smart in their own ways, maybe he's not the brightest in math for example but he already showed to be able to come up with strategies, I feel like denki has a lot of anxiety inside of him because of his quirk, but i also feel like he's really genuine in trying to be a hero, overall I really like him, he's really sweet

eijiro kirishima: this swee- I mean, super manly man is amazing, I feel like kirishima is for bnha what rock lee was for naruto, I really really really like him, I love his personality and I love even more his backstory, he's really a great person and he deserves all the love that he get from the fandom, I hope that we're going to see even more of him in the future

koji koda: he's adorable, his voice is really adorable the japanese dub, his quirk is like a disney princess

rikido sato: he bakes, I like cakes and pies, we would've been best friends

mezo shoji: since I saw that hori said that he uses his mask because people are afraid of him I'm impatiently waiting for his face to be shown, and if he doesn't look like a junji ito monster or something I'm going to be pretty disappointed, anyway, I like his personality, he was really cool at the forest arc (I clearly don't remember the arcs names, I'm sorry lol), and I feel like he could have a bigger role in the story if hori finally decides to address the prejudice against people with mutant quirks

kyoka jiro: she kind of reminds me of a girl that used to bully me in middle school because of the way that she treats denki but I still like her lol I liked how she learned that is okay liking to sing and music in general and being a hero at the same time, because after all a lot of people were saved by music and/or their favorite artists, but since I find her quirk so cool I wanted to she her fighting more

hanta sero: he's funny, even funnier than denki, he has a really relatable sense of humor and I love him for that, his quirk is really cool, but I feel kind of bad for him because deku now has practically the same one and he's not the only spiderman in the story anymore (his quirk being similar to spiderman was actually what made me like him in the first place because peter is my favorite hero ever)

fumikage tokoyami: my 12yo emo self shakes inside of me every time that I see him, anyway, I really like him, how would I not? he has a bird head, he's nice without being overly friendly and dark shadow is really cute, I don't really remember everything that happened in the war but I remember him saying to hawks that he believes in him, so I really wanted to see him frustrated at his mentor because of what he did to twice please horikoshi address the consequences of twice's death, I'm tired of waiting

shoto todoroki: ah my angel, shoto was the reason why I started reading the manga back in 2015, I knew that he was going to be my favorite just by seeing his character design. I love shoto, I want him to become the happiest person in the world because he really deserves it, I know that everyone thinks that deku is what an ideal hero looks like but o me it is shoto, he's kind, sweet, forgiving, has a heart made of gold and is just genuinely a good person, I could talk about him for a whole week without pause and still find more things to compliment about him so let's move on before I write over 10000 words about how much I love him

tooru hagakure: she... exists...

katsuki bakugo: while shoto is my favorite, I have to admit that bakugo has the best character development in the hero side of the story, I used to hate him at the beginning of the series but now I love him, a lot, he shows that horikoshi knows how to write a compelling redemption arc if he planned it since the beginning, I love that he started only having "fight" points at the entrance exam for ua to now having his first priority at saving people, bakugo is other that I could talk about for hours so let's move on

izuku midoriya: I like deku when he's not putting his nose at the todofam business, he's a good kid who needs some self esteem urgently, the way that he never seemed to care about his own well being always made me nervous, even though I never felt like he was in real danger, he's the mc for a reason, to summarize: I like him personality wise but some of the narrative choices that hori made for him are not my favorites

minoru mineta: I don't care, I hope for him to vanish from existence

momo yaoyorozu: she's the stereotypical anime girl with glasses (but without glasses in this case), I like her personality, she's really cute, her quirk is neat and she's super smart but, everytime that she puts her hero costume on... I feel super uncomfortable... this is not her fault of course but I think that I would like her even more if she was less sexualized

I could write more if I take more time to think, but I'm not going to do that today, if you want to know my opinion about other characters or something more specific about the kids feel free to send me other ask

also, I'm sorry if there's any atrocious grammar mistakes on this, I didn't reviewed the text and wrote just what I had in my head in the moment at four am

#ann replies #anonymous #there's too many characters to tag...#so im going to just #class 1a #yeah that's good enough #bnha spoilers

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