#pretty sure you can but no one wants to prescribe it i guess

[35gofbeansprouts]

💭.

[ktempestbradford]

From The Atlantic: Substack Has a Nazi Problem

[that link is to an archived version, so no paywall]

Bottom Line: the CEOs/leaders of Substack aren't just being laissez-faire about the fascists and open white supremacists on the platform, they actively boost them by having them on the company podcast, featuring them, mentioning them, and boosting them. Because the newsletters bring in LOADS of money and they love money. Even newsletters that repeatedly violate the basic, useless guidelines of Substack, they do not get punished.

This isn't a huge surprise for anyone who has been following the major issues with Substack that have come up in the past few years. There was the whole scandal where the public discovered that Substack had been paying people secretly to be on the service while advertising that anyone can make it on their own here! Plus, they were paying bigots directly to put their newsletters on the srvice.

Good breakdowns of that from Annalee Newitz and Grace Lavery.

Then there was the disasterous interview one of the CEOs (Chris Best) did with Nilay Patel of The Verge when Substack's Twitter clone launched. Nilay -- who is, if you hadn't guessed, of Indian descent -- asked him pointed questions about content moderation and... well...

[Nilay] I just want to be clear, if somebody shows up on Substack and says “all brown people are animals and they shouldn’t be allowed in America,” you’re going to censor that. That’s just flatly against your terms of service. [Best] So, we do have a terms of service that have narrowly prescribed things that are not allowed. That one I’m pretty sure is just flatly against your terms of service. You would not allow that one. That’s why I picked it. So there are extreme cases, and I’m not going to get into the– Wait. Hold on. In America in 2023, that is not so extreme, right? “We should not allow as many brown people in the country.” Not so extreme. Do you allow that on Substack? Would you allow that on Substack Notes? I think the way that we think about this is we want to put the writers and the readers in charge– No, I really want you to answer that question. Is that allowed on Substack Notes? “We should not allow brown people in the country.” I’m not going to get into gotcha content moderation. This is not a gotcha... I’m a brown person. Do you think people on Substack should say I should get kicked out of the country? I’m not going to engage in content moderation, “Would you or won’t you this or that?” That one is black and white, and I just want to be clear: I’ve talked to a lot of social network CEOs, and they would have no hesitation telling me that that was against their moderation rules. Yeah. We’re not going to get into specific “would you or won’t you” content moderation questions. Why? I don’t think it’s a useful way to talk about this stuff.

Best wasn't willing to get into these "gotchas" around their new social network, which is a pretty clear indication that they won't get into it around content moderation on the original platform. (Their statement after the fact did nothing to make things better.)

It's also really clear from the Atlantic article that the Substack CEOs/Owners are, at best, more interested in making money than in keeping white supremacists and Nazis (literal ones) off their platform. At worst, the Substack CEOs/Owners are supremacist/Nazi sympathizers. Either way:

Substack Directly Supports the Alt-Right, Nazis, and White Supremacists

Openly, brazenly, and without remorse.

[pinkynana]

though you were in a no dating basis, you did think about the kind of person you'd date and jeno was exactly it. he was such a gentleman to you, it didn't feel real. so you send him a little something to make him break his gentleman character. 

warnings : dry humping in public, pussy eating, fingering, squirting, face slapping, slut shaming, reader still being an ass to her friends

taglist : @matchahyuck @jaemjunie @babyjenono @woniebuns @jenoleeaesthetic @jaeymark @ishireads @thegracerammy @jyowui @jiminsfiilter

truth or dare with your roommate is torture. scratch that. any games with a good girl like your roommate are torture. the dare would be something you'd do on a daily basis and the truth would be some middle school question like who's your crush. 

you picked truth anyway. 

"what's your ideal type?" she asked. you rolled your eyes. "i dunno. a nice guy with a nice face?" 

"isn't that everyone's ideal type?" you wanted to choke her at that point. why can't she look through you? you don't want to play this game with her. but the elevators broke down and there's no way you're using the stairs to get out of the building when you live on the 16th floor. 

" i like sharp noses, i guess. someone who looks good even with glasses on? and i like muscles." you hope your answer would satisfy her this time. but she went quiet and made her thinking face. "what?" you asked. 

"sounds like jeno." 

"who's jeno?" is he one of her nerd friends? 

"i have fencing club with him. he's this muscular guy, arms really big. his glasses aren't prescribed though. he only wears them because he said he looks good with them. he's a really nice guy. but of course he has that typical boy things like games and stuff." sounds like someone you'd try to flirt with. why have you never heard of this jeno? 

"take me to your fencing club next time." 

and she actually did. 

you finally got to see this jeno that your roommate was talking about. you still haven't seen his face as he was already practicing when you got there. but his body already made you interested. 

you watched him practice with some irrelevant dude you didn't care about. you never really took any interest in this sport but seeing how amazing jeno was at fencing you mentally cursed your roommate for not introducing him to you sooner. 

his match ended so he took off the fencing mask, shook his head a little to get some sweat out of his hair. maybe fencing is your new favorite sport. 

he walked over to you (your roommate, actually. he doesn't know you.) and smiled. "hey, minjoo. doing great?" he took a bottle of water and sat down next to your roommate. did he not see you? why isn't he asking about you? 

minjoo nodded at his question. "this is my roommate, ___, by the way. she wanted to see us practice today." she touched your shoulder as she introduced you. 

"anyway, you guys be friends. my session is starting. i'll be right back." she put on her mask and left you two so you scooted closer to him. 

"hi." you said. "hi, ___. i sometimes see you around." he replied without looking at you. his hand was busy grabbing his bag as he took out a pair of glasses. finally then, he looked at you. 

"i'm jeno." 

"i know." 

"oh, did minjoo talk about me?" 

"yeah." enough about minjoo. you wanted to make sure that he would talk to you and talk about you only. 

"good things, i hope. don't wanna appear silly to a pretty girl like you." 

pretty. you're pretty. to jeno, you're pretty. it's not the first time you heard this compliment and it's not even the best compliment, so why were you excited to hear that from him? 

"jeno, can i.." you played with the ribbon in your hair a little, licked your lips and shifted your butt on the bench. "can i call you? sometimes?" 

he made eye contact with you through his glasses. "that would be an honor." he fetched out his phone and passed it to you. you don't remember the last time you typed in your number in someone's phone as all people should in today's technology. you've always at least wrote it in a piece of paper and given it a little lipstick print. or straight out write it on the man's arm like you did with donghyuck. 

"call yourself so you have my number." he told you so you did and immediately his number appeared on your screen. "got it." 

the two of you were mostly silent, waiting for minjoo to get done with her session. and even when she did, she also didn't say anything until she looked at her phone, then to you. 

"hey, i forgot i had a book club meeting after practice. you're gonna have to go home on your own." she told you with guilt written all over her face. 

"i'll leave now then. enjoy your meeting." you didn't believe that book clubs still existed. but then again, it's minjoo. your boring roommate. the meeting probably consists of people as boring as her or more boring than her. 

"i can send you home. my session's done for the day." jeno stood up just when you were about to. minjoo did an excited "wingman" face behind his back to you. 

"that's so sweet of you." 

when he offered that, you thought he meant you'd be his passenger princess but really he meant standing on the bus together and walking you to your apartment. you wanted to complain in your head but the way he pinned you on the bus when it was full, made your head empty. 

his body wasn't even touching yours. he made sure nothing was. while everyone else around him bumped into his body here and there. he made sure you were safe in that little space he created just for you. 

you never knew that the bus stop was right literally in front of your apartment, having never taking the bus. is this the route that minjoo always takes? interesting. 

"text me when you get in. i'll stay here until you do." you blinked at him, thinking if that was necessary. most guys just drop you here, say goodbye and leave. some even ask to get in with you but so far, you've never brought a man home since you didn't want minjoo to know how much of a whore you are.

so, texting a man to tell him you've entered your home was odd to you. "is that really necessary?" you let the question in your head out. 

"isn't that the bare minimum? i want you to be safe." his question made you wonder if you've always been fooling around with jerks. 

-

after you texted him when you got home, he left you on read. three days ago. you huffed in frustration, looking at your phone with no notifications from that certain someone who's a nice guy with a nice face. 

should you text him first? would that be out of character? you wanted him to want you. not the other way around. 

fuck it, just text the guy. 

oh, hey. i was thinking about you. 

he replied after you sent a simple hi. you whispered a silent "yes!" in victory. 

really? what thoughts? 

if you'd like it if i invite you to see my fencing match next week

okay, that's boring as hell. you thought he'd read it in a naughty way not in a let me take you out on a date way. so you decide to make it naughty on your own. 

do you wanna know what i'm doing? 

sure, tell me

you took off your hoodie, leaving you in your see through bralette that wasn't really covering up anything. you took a quick picture without your face in it, zoomed in on your breast and sent it to jeno. 

i was thinking about you too. 

you texted. you see the three dots on your screen a little longer than the other time he gave you a response. 

that's nice of you. 

what the fuck. you threw your phone beside you on your bed. 

-

"you fucked with jaemin?!" minjoo stormed into your shared flat where you were just sitting in front of your laptop, completing an assignment. the door hit the wall behind it as she slammed it open. 

you rolled your eyes, annoyed by the fact that she ruined the wall and not because of her obvious question. you set your laptop aside and turned to her. 

"why?" you didn't answer her. 

"why?!" she huffed. you thought that she was being dramatic. just like any other girl who had the same reaction to this particular topic. 

"are you crazy? do you hate chaeryeong? she's been nothing but nice to you!" she came closer to you just to push your shoulder that didn't even move you much. you frowned at her, still not understanding why everyone is making you the villain for flirting with your friend's ex. and what does it have to do with the fact that your friend has always been nice to you? 

"you're a bad friend, ____. i can't believe i used to defend you." 

"defend me from what?" the fact that she defended you without you asking to made you feel offended for some reason.

"you think i don't know? just because you don't bring boys here doesn't mean i wouldn't know that you've fucked around with every boy that interacts with you. i'm not that innocent." 

you were speechless. you always thought not talking much with minjoo would mean that she wouldn't know a thing about you. perhaps facts can still go around, it just didn't come out of your own mouth. but you definitely weren't thankful that minjoo defended you.

"and i know you're trying to get into jeno's pants now. i'll tell him everything and warn him to stay away from you." 

 "wait, no-" you were shocked yourself with how fast you grabbed her hand. she scoffed. 

"no. don't tell him, please. please don't. i'm begging." you held her hand with both of yours, looking up at her who was standing. 

"what has gotten into you? all this for some guy you think is your ideal type?" she looked at you with disgust. 

-

you thought you wouldn't care about whatever happened between minjoo and you the other day but you couldn't help being bothered. the whole school was talking about how much of a cheap whore you are. 

sitting at the quiet zone of the library, you thought you wouldn't see anyone you knew. you've never fucked a nerd.

so you wondered if jeno was a nerd because you see him right there. well, he does look like a hot nerd with those glasses on. he stopped his motion once he saw you seeing him. he then approached you with a warm smile. 

the smile faded when you didn't smile at him too.

"hey, are you okay?" jeno looked at you in your eyes, taking the seat next to you which made your shoulders touch. you can almost feel all of his warmth just from that touch. he then brushed away strands of your hair to see your face better. 

"talk to me, please?" his gentle voice made you calm down a little. 

"please?" he repeated. but you were still quiet. your eyes wandered down to his lips, wondering if he'd kiss you if you asked. or if he'd kiss you back if you kissed him first. 

when he moved away from your face, you realized you already were trying to kiss him. and he avoided it. 

a man just avoided your kiss. 

something inside you just clicked once you processed the whole situation. it made you gasp with your eyes big and round. 

you ran away. 

-

crying is pathetic. so you don't do it. but crying felt like the only thing you could do right now. 

but still, it's pathetic. you won't do it. 

you want to though. 

should you? 

someone snapped their fingers in front of you, waking you up to your senses. you looked up at the person, seeing the red head who said she didn't want to be your friend anymore.

"i didn't do it." chaeryeong said. 

"do what?" 

"spread the rumor. or told your roommate about you fucking my ex." you rolled your eyes and huffed, your shoulders dropping with you. "i don't care, chaeryeong. it's not a rumor." 

you didn't invite her to lie down next to you at that.. park? in front of your faculty. but she took her own spot next to you anyway. 

"it's a bitchy move to fuck with my ex." 

this again? 

"but i still don't like to hear people slut shame my friend." 

"but i am a slut though." 

"yeah, but it sucks to hear other people say that instead of yourself." you sat up from your position. you didn't understand what was her motive for saying all this to you. you didn't like it. you feel more offended with this so called nice gesture than the slut shaming that's going around. 

"this feels petty." you tell her with a frown. "what?" she sat up as well. 

"you don't have to tell me all this. my feelings are my own. the rumors are true. i. am. a. slut. i don't feel bad because it's true. no matter who's mouth said it, who's fingers typed it, it's true. i don't care." 

fuck chaeryeong for making you the villain. again. 

but then again, thanks chaeryeong. for making you realize that you shouldn't be crying. 

pathetic. 

-

though it was hard to admit defeat, you decided you wouldn't try and get with jeno. as embarrassing as it is, you had to lay low with how bad your reputation is. you just hoped it would go away as soon as any other hot gossip did in this university. 

you took this situation as a sign from the universe to focus on your grades.

but for some reason, the universe isn't on your side this time round. jeno's here sitting in front of you with that stupidly cute smile on his face. 

"what are you doing?" you kicked his leg under the table. 

"studying with you." his answer made you roll your eyes as you changed the leg you crossed. "do you want something more?" he tilted his head like a puppy. but his question was so suggestive, you'd actually ask for more. however, considering the last time you initiated something naughty from that man, he said you were nice.  

"i just want to study, jeno." 

"you don't want me to finger you right here?" 

you thought you heard wrong. you looked around you to see no one else but you and him. "you're wearing shorts today, though. thats gonna be a hassle. ran out of skirts?" he smirked. all the good boy, the gentleman side of him were thrown out the window. and so did your plans on not fucking with him. it's surprising but it's hot. so you pulled the chair next to you and lightly tapped on the seat, inviting him over. he chuckled as he took your invitation. he took off his glasses and set it aside before he sat down.

"there's no one here." you whispered as he got closer to your face. "then take off your shorts, pretty." he whispered in a similar volume, his lips right next to your ear. 

your fingers were about to grip your waistband but you stopped when something else went inside your head. "wait, haven't you heard about the rumors?" you looked at him, face moving away from his. 

"i've known about them before you even talked to me. and i don't care about them. it just means you're good at sex, doesn't it?" is that really it? he knew about you before you knew him at all? and he still wants you? he was nice to you even when you just met. it's the bare minimum, he said. 

"if you don't want to, i can leave you alone." it quite ironic how he said that but he leaned his head on your shoulder, then giving you a kiss on your neck. but he felt so soft and so right at the moment. you've been stressed with everything that's going through in your head and this fine man is just here letting you out of your stress. 

"but why'd you not let me kiss you the other day? i thought you didn't like me or find me attractive at all." you remembered. "i wanted to ask you if you're sure you want to kiss me. you just ran away." he pouted his lips. 

so you kissed his pouty lips. and his hand flew to the back of your neck, pulling you closer. you feel his fingers on his other hand snaking around the waist of your shorts. but you really didn't feel like taking any of your clothes off. so you held his hand away from yours and climbed over to sit on his growing bulge. you could tell that he's not fully hard yet. 

"jeno.." you whined his name. "yes, darling? need anything?" he nuzzled his face on your neck, giving it lazy kisses. "can we just stay like this?" you pulled away from him to show your cute round eyes. your fingers tickled his shoulders. "you just want to make out here?" he questioned. 

"no, i mean-" you made your body do the talking by moving your hips on his lap, focusing on his throbbing center. "fuck." he groaned, looking at you then smiled. "beautiful." he whispered. his praise motivated you to move again on him. heavy breathing started coming out of the both of you. you leaned your forehead on his as you bit your lip trying to conceal the moans that's trying to get out. 

"can i kiss you again?" you never knew you'd like fucking around with a good guy like jeno. but the way he always makes sure you're sure made you dizzy. you nod your head eagerly and the next thing you knew, his lips were on yours, hungrily tasting your mouth as you licked his lips. the kiss felt rougher than the one before. perhaps it's the way your pussy was so close to his dick with the barrier of both of your clothes. you so badly wanted to take everything off of you and take him there. 

when you hear someone at the nearest bookshelf, you stopped the kiss. he giggled at the action, bumping your noses together which made you giggle with him. from the person's perspective, you two were just a couple, showing pda. as soon as they left, you continued your movements but this time he thrusted up into you as well. you whined a little too loud that jeno lifted his finger up to your lips. "shh, be my good girl, okay? stay quiet." you usually mentally rolled your eyes when someone tells you to be a good girl but when jeno said it, you actually wanted to be his good girl. so you sucked his finger to keep yourself quiet, keeping on humping him. 

"such a good girl." you hummed on his finger with his praise. "yeah? you like it when i call you that? i could feel how wet you are, darling? you like me that much?" his smile drove you crazy at the moment. how do you even answer that question? do you actually like him? 

"gonna cum, jeno." you took his finger out of your mouth, a string of saliva connecting it. "keep humping me. i know you can just cum from that. cum for me, darling." you whined then moved yourself on his lap, chasing your high without even taking any of your clothing off. you knew you couldn't keep yourself quiet so you kissed him again, moving your hips faster on him. even with your lips on each other, you could still hear how loud your whines were when you finally reached your climax. 

"you did good, darling. made a mess on me. so good." he kissed the top of your head, caressing your cheek to calm you down from your high. you then wrapped your arms around him to pull him in a hug, feeling his warmth spread to your body. you could still feel his hardness underneath you and you wondered why he's not asking you to take care of him too. you reached your hand down to his bulge which earned you a groan from him. 

"no, baby. i don't want to cum in my pants." he said quietly to your ear. was he telling you to suck him off? or did he want to cum inside you? what was he implying? 

but he stayed still, holding you while you were holding him. 

-

being close to jeno was something you never expected. you broke your rule of not being friends with the guys you were with for jeno. but were you really friends? do friends make out like you two do? do friends cuddle as they sleep on the same bed? do friends help each other with their sexual needs? maybe. at least you've never had actual sex with him.

jeno was still asleep when you woke up from your evening nap after you sucked him off while he ate you out. waking up to his chest was something you never knew you'd like that much. as you nuzzled your face on his bare chest, he was awakened from his sleep with a smile as he pulled you closer. "got a good sleep, darling?" you nod your head. "you wanna sleep more?" he started caressing your hair and you loved the way he always treated you like you were something fragile. you were about to answer him when his phone suddenly rang. his phone was placed on the bedside behind you so you turned around to get it for him. you then saw a picture frame of him as a boy with another kid. you thought he looked familiar. 

before you passed the phone, you saw the contact being "game partner". you gave the phone to him but he didn't even bother answering it. he put his phone back behind you.

"who was that?" you asked. 

"no one important."

"you play games?" 

"just when you're not around." 

"i've been around a lot, though?" 

"yeah, so i don't play a lot these days." his answer made you smile. he really sacrificed his game time for you. which meant he liked spending time with you more than he did with his games. 

"oh, i wanted to ask who's that boy in your picture frame." you moved to look behind you but jeno then tilted your face with just two of his fingers so you'd look at him. he kissed your nose really quick. "just focus on me, darling." 

"it's nothing, jeno. i just think i know him." you pout your lips. he then imitated you but his pout was more exaggerated. "the guys you talk to mean the guys you've played around with before me." he whined the last word. he pulled you closer into his arms. "that's my childhood friend. i'd be really jealous if he got to kiss you before me." 

"awwh, jeno.." you pushed him as you stood up and leaned your back on his head board. he followed after. your hands went down, holding and playing with his fingers. "i.. i don't think i'm actually just playing around with you." you shook your head. he blinked then smiled. "really?" you saw how happy he looked at that time. 

"i mean, i think… i.. well, i actually would leave the guys after the first sexual encounter. but we've done so many things and i'm still here. when i think about leaving you i get the shivers. like, now that i know what it feels like to have you, i don't wanna know how it would feel like without you." this was probably the first time you've been vulnerable in front of someone, let alone a guy. you finally meet his eyes to see what kind of reaction he'd give you. all he did was smile. as always. 

he kissed your forehead. then your nose. and your cheek. "i feel the same way." he kissed your lips and let it go. "i don't wanna know what it feels like without you." he kissed your lips again. "can i eat you out, darling?" and again. 

you nodded your head as he moved under his blanket, stopping once he's eye level with your core. he kissed it through your panties before ripping it out of you. "only say my name, okay? no begging, no faster, no harder, don't even tell me that it feels good. i only wanna hear you say my name." that was a hard rule to follow but you wanted to satisfy him so you committed to it. 

with just a single, long lick from his tongue, you've already pulled his hair under the blanket. "jeno.." you moaned. "louder, darling." he brought his fingers to your hole, entering two of them while he focused his tongue on your clit.

"jeno! jeno! jeno! hnggg.." you wanted to beg for his fingers to go faster. you knew he was going slow on purpose since he didn't want you to ask for anything. this time, you weren't in control. he kept his pace on your hole but his speed on your clit was the opposite. he stimulated your little pussy like it was his purpose of life. 

"jeno.." you feel tears coming out of your eyes. you wondered if you liked this guy that much that you could cry just from him eating you out. maybe he's just that good. nothing to do with your feelings for him. your moans became louder when he sped up his thrusts of his fingers. you hope that jeno would understand that you're getting close at this point. the squelching noises from your wet pussy should be enough clue for him. 

"let go, darling. wanna eat your cum." he pulls out his fingers and only used his tongue to pleasure you this time. "you taste so good, darling. love your pussy." he started sucking on it that made you scream his name and it was enough to make you squirt all over his face. he was still licking and sucking, cleaning up all your cum. once he's done with that, he climbed back up to give you a kiss that could make you taste yourself. 

"you liked that, darling?" he asked. "so much. like it so much." you answered. 

"now say hi to my friends." 

"huh?" you frowned. 

jeno took his phone, revealing a phone call with "game partner" that's been going on for 17 minutes. "come in, guys." he said to his phone and ended the phone call. his bedroom door then opened and three men came inside. 

donghyuck, jaemin, renjun. 

you looked at jeno but your face immediately moved again when he slapped your cheek. with eyes still watery from your orgasm just now, you looked the most pathetic you've ever been. 

"stupid fucking slut." jeno squeezed your face. "i told you to greet my friends. be polite." as you blinked, more tears fell down. you were still quiet. all you could hear is jaemin and donghyuck laughing at the side of your bed. renjun came close to you and tilted his head. not an ounce of amusement was written on his face. 

"who's the pathetic one now, huh?" you still didn't have anything to say. 

jaemin then jumped on the bed to sit next to you, having his arm behind your shoulder. "what's the matter, bunny? didn't you like getting attention? all of us can pay attention to you now. isn't that fun, huh?" 

"dreams do come true, don't they?" you see hyuck taking off his shirt, throwing it to the floor. 

never have you ever wished you weren't the center of attention in your life. you wanted to hide at that moment, feeling embarrassed that you thought you finally found someone who you'd like and perhaps love. how foolish of you. men really are the same. 

"you're mine now, alright? don't wanna know how it would feel to be without you, remember?" jeno stroked your hair gently. but nothing about it was gentle. 

you lost. you hate this game. 

[slut4thebroken]

Exposure Therapy Prologue

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Jonathan Crane × reader

Summary | You find a new therapist who is more than willing to help you overcome your fears.

Warnings | 18+, talks about fear of being raped, talks about fear of being pregnant and giving birth, pretty much just a content warning for their conversation, the real bad stuff is in pt. 1

Words | 700

Notes | You don’t technically have to read this chapter, it just provides some more background for part 1.

Ao3 link | <3

Fic Masterlist

Main Masterlist

You anxiously sat down on the small couch, picking at your cuticles as you waited. 

“Are you nervous?” He asked, giving you a calming smile. 

“A little. Sorry, I’ve never done this before.” 

“It’s completely normal to be nervous during the first session, especially if you’ve never done anything like this before.” That calmed your nerves a little. “Let’s start simple. Why don’t you tell me why you’re here.” 

“Um… The fears that I have are getting a little out of control and affecting my everyday life, so I was hoping you could help me get over them. At least a little bit.” 

“Knowing you need help and taking the initiative to seek that help is already a really good start.” You gave him a shy smile at the praise, not sure how to respond. “Since this is a consultation, I’d like to know what fears you need help overcoming so I can figure out the best treatment for you. Is that alright?” 

“Yeah, of course. There are two main ones. Um… being- being raped and being pregnant or giving birth.” He scribbled quickly as you spoke and you waited anxiously for him to respond. 

“I want to better understand you. Is it alright if I ask some questions?” He asked, crossing his hands and resting them on the notebook in his lap. 

“Yes.” 

“Is there any past trauma that might’ve caused these fears?” You shook your head. “Let’s just focus on the first one for now. What do you think might be the cause?” 

“I guess just knowing how common it is? I feel like I’m living every single day just waiting to become part of the statistic.” 

“That must be pretty debilitating feeling that way. Is that stopping you from doing a lot of the things your peers do?” You just nodded in response. “And what about the other one? How is that affecting your everyday life?” 

“Um…” You bit your lip as your cheeks grew warm, realizing what you would have to explain to answer his question. “It’s- I don’t…” Looking away from him, you swallowed thickly. 

“There’s no need to be embarrassed. I’m here to help you, but you have to help me understand before I can do that.” You nodded in agreement, trying to force yourself to just say it. 

“I'm on birth control, but I still don’t feel like I can rely on that completely. And when boyfriends or whatever find out, they usually want to- to…”

“Not use a condom?” 

“Yes.” 

“But you don’t feel safe doing that?” You shook your head as you bit your bottom lip. “So it’s affecting your relationships. Is it affecting you individually as well?” 

“Well I mean, I… want to do that with them too.” 

“You have a breeding kink?” You stared at him with wide eyes, floundering for a response. He was unfazed by the inappropriate question though. 

“I wasn’t going to say it like that, but yeah.” 

“Kinks can often be coping mechanisms. Do you have any other that could be related?” 

“…Cnc?”  

“Is it easier to partake in that one because there’s no real risk?” 

“Yeah I guess so.” This time when he started writing, he took a little longer than the past few times. When he finally looked back up, he gave you a small smile. 

“I think I’m going to be able to help you, I already have a few treatments in mind. Thank you for being so open with me, I know it’s not easy talking about something so personal.” You nodded, not sure what to say. “We can start regular therapy but in the meantime I can prescribe you some medication for the anxiety.”

“Oh I don’t- I don’t know if I want to take medication.” He passed the pen over the paper in one stroke, striking something out. 

“The old fashion way then.” He smiled and you chuckled awkwardly, wondering if you messed up by saying that. It didn’t seem like you did? Maybe you should just agree since he thinks it’ll help? He cut off your over thinking before you had the chance to say you changed your mind. “Do you think once a week will be a good start?” 

“That sounds perfect.” 

Part 1

[fioras-resolve]

"Is the Berlin Interpretation still relevant?" Part 10 - Results

So, I guess I should finally explain what I'm talking about. I promise I'll stop spamming these tags now.

The Berlin Interpretation of Roguelikes is a genre definition that was made at a roguelike dev conference in 2008. It was a handful of people who were inspired by Rogue to make their own procedural death labyrinths. This was just before Spelunky. It was before The Binding of Isaac, it was before FTL, and it was before Risk of Rain. In other words, this interpretation was made right before the definition of a roguelike radically changed. Before these genre fusions, roguelikes were mostly games like NetHack and Angband, games that were directly inspired by this RPG from 1980. They were roguelikes, because they were "like Rogue."

But let's talk about what this interpretation is actually doing. It is not, in fact, a set of rigid guidelines of what features a game needs to be part of the genre. It is a set of high and low value factors, that a game may not have all of, but the more it has, the more it is, well, Rogue-like. There isn't a game that purely embodies each of these factors, because there's doesn't have to be. Even Rogue isn't fully faithful to this interpretation. It's just that if your game has enough of these factors, then it's clearly working in the same design space, and part of the broader conversation. That's all it was doing.

So is it still relevant? Well, kind of, but not really. Sure, permadeath and procedural generation are still important to people, but for it to be turn-based and grid-based aren't necessary anymore. And I guess for the later polls, either people got tired of me posting these in their tags every day, or they just don't have an opinion one way or the other, because their vote counts didn't even hit the triple digits. It seems like complexity, resource management, and exploration/discovery are still important, while non-modal gameplay and hack-and-slash aren't as much. But I hesitate to give these results the same kind of credence because of how many people from the earlier polls didn't vote on these ones.

It seems like, these days, the roguelike isn't really about its base mechanics. It's a structural genre. You can graft any base mechanics onto it, as long as you start a new run after you die, and each run is made unique by randomness. It seems pretty straightforward.

Okay, what about Mystery Dungeon?

The Mystery Dungeon games these days are mostly known for being Pokemon spinoffs, but the series goes back to the 90s with games like Shiren the Wanderer. These games are directly inspired by the original Rogue, complete with grid-based movement, item discovery, and heavy resource management. It's more "like Rogue" than a lot of modern roguelikes. But because it's structured more like a Japanese RPG, with checkpoints, persistent progression, and a full-blown story, it would probably nowadays be called a "roguelite." Even though it precedes that term by decades!

I'm honestly really surprised that Mystery Dungeon doesn't come up more in discussions about roguelikes. Like, it's a really obvious point of contention, and one that's worth talking about. But only one person in my replies actually mentioned Mystery Dungeon in their thoughts about permadeath. I suspect it's because most of the roguelikes people are invested in these days are indie PC games from the West, while Mystery Dungeon is a Japanese series on console and handheld. But I can't prove it.

Speaking of roguelites though, we have to talk about that term. I don't think that "roguelite" is an inherently elitist term, or that it's useless as a label. it clearly serves some purpose in conversation, even if I wouldn't use it myself. I don't want to prescribe my definitions of terms from on high. I want to understand how people are using these terms in daily practice.

And it seems like it comes down to two definitions. One is the Berliner standpoint. It's less common, but it sees some use. Basically, if you're not making a grid-based dungeon crawler, you're not really making a game "like Rogue," are you? Genre fusions like Risk of Rain and Slay the Spire play completely differently from the roguelikes of old, so it feels weird to just call them roguelikes. This is treating it as a mechanical genre, defining roguelikes by dungeon-crawling in the same way we define a shooter by shooting.

The other definition is a broader one, defined by two key features: procgen and permadeath. This is the most common one in modern conversations about roguelikes, because it takes it as a given that these genre fusions are what roguelikes Are. By this framing, a roguelite is any procgen game that features persistent upgrades. Something like Rogue Legacy, where your progression isn't just you as a player, but your character growing more powerful. Permadeath and procgen serve a very specific purpose in conjunction with each other, and there is a sense where either of these factors being diluted misses the entire point. But plenty of people don't put stock into the like/lite distinction, because they don't see it as mattering. No definition here is wrong, they're just all operating under different beliefs.

(sigh) Look, genre is a lot like gender. In fact, in some languages, they're the same word. It's vague, it's arbitrary, and it doesn't make sense if you squint too hard. But it's important to people, either to describe what they're doing or to understand what others are doing. There's never going to be a strict, clear definition of roguelike that perfectly covers all cases, because that's just not how genre works. Roguelikes are what we mean when we talk about roguelikes. It's very easy to poke fun at a genre label like this, but it's a lot harder to understand what it's doing, and what it means to people. That's the conversation that really matters here.

Is the Berlin Interpretation still relevant? Not as much as it used to be. But your interpretation is what's really important.

[alpaca-clouds]

Something I am thinking about a lot while I am in the hospital is how our measurements of expertise are bound so strongly to structures of power. This is not inherent to expertise - it is just how our current system handles things.

The fact that someone has a doctorate in a field of medicine does not inharently enable them on a reality level to actually treat someone, who is sick. It enables them to do so legally, yes, but not realistically.

As someone who has struggled with health related issues forever, I can tell so many stories of times, where it was not a doctor who helped me but some other person. There was a nurse once, who saved me from being poisoned by a doctor, because she realized - other than the doctor - that the doctor accidentally had prescribed me the wrong medication. And there was only two years a nurse in the psych hospital who fixed an issue with my knee that so far several different doctors had failed to fix.

Throughout my life I several times correctly diagnosed myself with medical conditions, after different doctors misdiagnosed me.

The same is happening right now as well. @g-vlssz and I correctly identified the issue plaguing me right now TWO FUCKING MONTHS ago, and my current deterioation in health could've been prevented if any of the multiple doctors who saw me during this time just gave me corticoids. But they didn't, because I do not have a medical degree. It took me six weeks to convince a doctor to just look into our suspicion - a test that any other doctor could have ordered as well.

And the only reason that nobody took it serious, despite me arguing on a medical level (like with blood lab results and stuff) why I was suspecting the thing I was suspecting. And the only reason why it was not taken seriously is, that I do not have a piece of paper by a medical institution that gives me the legal power to just prescribe myself the medication.

Self-Diagnosis is always this massively politically charged topic, especially when it comes to a plethora of disabilities. Not only will doctors often get really angry, when you bring the topic up, but a lot of non-doctors, who believe in the existing power structure will as well.

It is something that on some level does make sense intuitively. Like, sure, we do not want people to be able to prescribe themselves like morphines, I guess.

But a lot of talk also always centers around the fact, that a lot of people do simply fear cancer. So, when some varied symptoms show up, they often will jump to the conclusion of "OMG, it has to be cancer". But... like... You are aware that this happens mostly because those people end up often feeling neglected by their primary medical providers after like going to the doctor for their chronic stomach issues and do not get serious - or will not even get to see a doctor in months because the waiting lists are so long. Nobody WANTS to be sick with cancer - but if nobody looks into any causes, what information do have people to go on? It is simply a fact that cancer is one of those sicknesses with a lot of information available on it. So, when someone starts to google: "Chronic stomach ache cause" cancer will be one of the things that will come up.

I mean, the reason why both I and my friend were correctly able to identify my symptoms (not with the exact sickness but the correct type of sickness) was that I managed to get at least seen by doctors and get some blood work done - and that I simply went into it assuming that the various symptoms that showed up unrelated over the last year without a cause ever being found were connected. And one of the symptoms is something that basically only shows up with the type of sickness I have. No, I did not know that to begin with, but I googled it and other than what the anti-self-diagnosis crowd tells you, you can actually get pretty good information that way.

I have yesterday contacted a lawyer. I will talk to that lawyer later today. But I cannot help but think about not only how unfair this entire situation is to me (had the doctors given me corticoids 8 weeks ago, I never would have ended up in hospital), but also towards other people. Because right now there is a lot of healthcare money and man hours put into my case. Things that would be probably be better spend with someone, whose issue could not be fixed by just giving them a two weeks course of corticoids. Like, I am taking up room in this hospital for at least two more weeks, and by the end of it my health insurance will have paid between 30 and 40k for this. Simply because my GP was not available and nobody else would just give me the medication I needed?

[chojrak-making-things]

Today I want to show you world that was made almost 6 years ago, and has been pretty forgotten by now. This world is called Mandora and it’s mild exotic island made by GreenPhoenix. It wasn’t fully released as an alpha, but was in the making in 2017 and was released as beta, for testing. For me it looks like finished, and since download is still publicly available, I decided to remind about this gem. This world come with a save file, so it’s populated.

To download, you need to go to *this thread* at ModTheSims, scroll down to post #18 written by GreenPhoenix, and at the end of this post you’ll see attached files of world and save file.

This world requires all expansion packs except for Supernatural. From Stuff Packs it uses Outdor Living Stuff and Town Life Stuff. No store or CC as far as I know. All other information you can find in thread linked above.

I encourage to leave original water color, at least for first time, because world looks really pretty with it.

More pictures under the cut

...

This is town centre and first district of houses (more towards bottom)

It has nice cafe and arcade.

You can also find this nice little park with playground and fishing spot.

And alley with houses that looks kind of exotic (?) I guess. Most of them have one color as a scheme, for both interiors and outside. They’re covered in corrugated sheet.

Interior of one of the houses, lilac one.

Second district is more towards middle of island. It’s heavy brick and industrialized area. Though very clean and chic in that matter.

It has apartments too!

and cute little coffehouse. You’ll find a surprise in basement, lol.

Driving towards other edge of island, you’ll find swamp area and farm district.

Houses in farm area are very detailed and well made.

They have even sloped roofs with beams and wood textures. Debug lights were used on outside to light the whole building evenly.

On top of island there’s area with more suburban and regular style of houses. I would say the most neutral ones. Seems spacious and good for big families.

And on this flat peninsula bellow you’ll find futuristic houses. Also rainbow colored. These seems more expensive ones.

Recently I was also wondering, that since most colors are segregated and prescribed for certain houses, this world would be good for Not So Berry Challenge. 

...

There are also multiple houseboats closer to the centre. In one of them lives a lady who loves lilac color and animal prints, so some interiors despite one color or one shade, are very characteristic.

and the creator didn’t forget about diving places either! So definitely a good choice if you’re looking for light substitute of Isla Paradiso. For sure it is less laggy.

Around 2017, when I had first time Mandora in my game, I felt like this town lacks of certain spontaneity and crazyness, but now I see I just wasn’t paying attencion to details. Usually exotic worlds attacks you with dense jungle or orgy of colors and patterns, but this one seems more calm, orderly, and tidy. I think it’s cool we have now something made in that way.

I was lurking on MTS while this world was in making, but had problems with my account and finally didn’t write anything there. It’s specific site, and I felt unmeritoric comments wouldn’t be welcomed in world making section. Though I felt like I should at least somehow cheer, because encouragement is always nice during such a long projects. I’m sure author had a blog with process of making, maps and addresses of certain lots, but I can’t find a link now. Don’t know if it was on tumblr or other platform. I think it was blogspot or wordpress more likely. So if you find it by a chance, please post link in comments.

Thanks for reading!

...

[morirryan]

uhhh vent?

my tics got so bad today i had to leave school bcs of how painful it was no matter if i ticced or suppressed. they are usually manageable at school but not today i guess

and then my mom doesn't even asks if i'm alright the first thing she asks is why i don't take my meds and well first of all i had no way of knowing they would get so much worse so quick when they've been pretty mild for the past month and i'm only supposed to take the meds for the periods when i tic a lot not all the time)

and second of all i'm saving them for when my exams start (we don't really have such thing as accomodations in my country esp for tic disorders so i'll just have to suck it up), which i tell her and then she proceedes to tell me "well we can just go to your neurologist so she can fill your prescription again" and i wish that was this easy but the situation is am only able to go to a normal neurologist once a year and she actually prescribes me meds that help me at least somewhat and the one my mom refers to is the one i have the worst experiences imaginable with (i can't go to a different one till im an adult eh long story). so uh. yeah i don't even know why i wouldn't want to go to her surely it doesn't make it to the top 10 traumatic events when the last time i had an appointment with her you two acted like i wasn't even in the room, talked over me when _i_ tried to explain what's wrong with _me_, made fun of me and then she didn't even prescribe me that medication. yeah why wouldn't i want to go.

why can't we neurodivergent folk just have a normal experience with doctors don't we have enough on our plates already

at least in four months i'll be able to go to a different neurologist so thats something

this is probably incoherent i can't really uhh formulate sentences rn

[wreakhavic]

The Most Dangerous Game

Part IV

There was one person Marika shared some details of her past with - Retsu Unohana, Captain of the 4th squad. It was out of necessity and only what was necessary since there were numerous problems concerning her health that Marika couldn’t have dealt with otherwise. She was terrified of Unohana, even though she was highly professional and deadly serious about doctor-patient confidentiality. She even put sensitive information off record and remembered what needed to be done.

Today Marika had a check-up and went to the 4th squad barracks for it. Unohana attended to her in her doctor's office with her usual kind smile and welcoming demeanor.

- Hello, Marika-kun, how have you been? - asked Unohana and showed Marika to take a seat.

- I feel good, for the most part - a bit tired from sleeplessness, that's all. Unohana nodded.

- Bacteriological results are all negative now, which is great, and your blood test is good. I guess that the cysts are gone as well. Let’s get you up on the exam table for the ultrasound.

Marika mounted a gynaecological table and Unohana started the exam.

- Mhm, mhm, good. The cysts are gone. I’m guessing the menstrual pain is gone as well?

- Yes, pretty much.

- Well, that is all well - said Unohana taking off her gloves and gesturing to Marika to get up and dress herself.

They sat back to their original seats.

-Now that all of that healed, we can start thinking about trying to return your cervix and uterus to their original shape and give them back function.

- I will… think about it… - said Marika quietly while clenching the edges of her uniform.

- Do not feel pressured about it, honey! It is an option to try when and if you want, but I don’t know if we will succeed. And now, concerning your insomnia…

- When I take the medications, I can sleep through the longer portion of the night - Marika mumbled quickly.

- But you don’t take them often?

- No, no, I want to get over it for real… - said Marika through tightened lips.

- Then you would have to start going into therapy, you know that?

- Yes… not likely to happen.

- Okay, I will prescribe you medication for insomnia, and ointment you can use on your private parts for comfort.

- Thank you, Unohana-san - Marika smiled faintly.

- You’re welcome, sweety. Feel free to go and get treatment for those eye bags.

Marika smiled and nodded, got up, and left the office. When the door closed, she sighed, inhaled, and put on a cheerful face. She looked at the clock on the wall.

“Only quarter past 11, huh? My duty starts at 14 o’clock today. What should I do?” - she tried so hard not to think about any memories that the visit to a doctor invoked.

“Yes, a facial massage”, “and maybe I will pay a visit to my Captain. To get something to read… ”

*

Marika hesitated for a moment before the door. She knew she was distressed, after all, she was introspective enough. The reason she hesitated was because she wasn't sure why she wanted to go to Aizen when she was so shaken.

"It's a challenge" - she concluded. "I wanna see if I will be able to detect him detecting my state of mind".

A knock at a door brought Aizen out of his work.

- Come in - he said thoughtfully.

Marika inhaled and exhaled and composed a nonchalant smile before entering. When she opened the door, she was able to detect a brief moment of genuine pleasant surprise on Aizen's face before he took control of his expression. Marika was satisfied with herself because she caught that very delicate moment.

- Good day, Captain. I'm sorry to bother you while you work… - she bowed properly and as she did, she got hit by a suspicion - "What if he wasn't happy because he saw me, but because he saw that I came to him in a moment of distress, and thus thinks that I am dependent on him?"

- Good day to you too, Gato-kun. Please, don't mind it. I'm happy to assist with whatever you need - he paused and showed her to the seat. She sat, composed herself again, and faced him with the most sincere smile.

- I was wondering, would you know of a book one shouldn't read on a sunny spring day while waiting for their shift to start?

Aizen smiled while appearing to be thinking hard - his eyes distant, wandering through the ceiling and finally said:

- Coincidentally, I happened to know of a perfect book - he stood up and took a relatively small book from the bookshelf.

Aizen stepped closer to her and handed her the book. Its hardcover was worn out from the use. Marika felt a dash of green tea fragrance when he got close, as she lightly brushed her fingers against his hand while taking the book. He felt a shiver going up his arm. Marika's fingers were soft but ice-cold.

The book was titled "A Walk through the Garden", with golden cursive imprinted on the cover.

Marika took a good look at it from every angle, flipped through the first few pages, reading about the author and the foreword, and then finally turned to Aizen, who was still standing near her - Will you tell me?

- Erm, sorry,... I'm not sure what you mean by that?

- Why did you pick this book for me not to read today? - She smiled, amused.

- Oh, that. It's because… - Aizen hesitantly returned to his seat - well, you see, this novel is about a young man that goes about his day. It's short and the plot only follows one day of his life, where he happens to have to go through a certain city garden multiple times. There was a tree in full bloom, and every time a petal fell off, he learned something about himself. And every petal is forcing the reader to stop and think about themselves, that is why it’s a terrible book to read when you don’t have much time on your hands and something is waiting for you…

Marika chuckled - I guess I will call in sick today - she shrugged her shoulders - I’m sure my Captain will understand… - she stuck her tongue a bit as a sign of joking. Aizen leaned his head on his hand and looked at Marika with delight:

- Yes, you could. I would make sure he understood.

Marika smiled back conspiratorially. For a few moments, they sat in silence looking into each other’s eyes.

Aizen felt lost in Marika’s eyes. He wanted to continue onward sunbathing in their yellow glow but felt he was about to be… trapped, somehow.

“No, she will be the one trapped”, he thought as he broke the silence - I hope you’ll enjoy this book, Officer Gato - he emphasized the official nomenclature.

Marika got up and bowed - I am sure I will find time to read it thoroughly in the next few days and come to appreciate it vastly - she said nonchalantly as she was leaving the office.

“I win this encounter, Captain Aizen” - she grinned.

*

Marika reported for duty and went to her post. Momo waved to her and evacuated the seat next to her:

- Hii! Marika, here, I saved you a seat!

Marika sat herself in the vacant seat and greeted Momo - Hello Momo, I hope you are well! - she put the book in her lap.

-  Mhmm - Momo nodded - you look very fresh today.

- I had a facial massage this morning at the 4th. You should go as well, it’s great!

- Ooh, I will seriously think about it! - Momo looked a bit tense for a moment, and changed the theme - Anyways, we are waiting for the reports about recruits on their first mission to come in. It should be no more than 15 minutes. We will evaluate them and then the Captain will pair them so everyone can grow and better themselves. You can write a recommendation for a pair if you want.

- Sure, I will do that if I see some compatibility… Hey Momo, did you have a chance to read the book I gave you?

- Oh, yes… It’s lovely… What are you reading right now? - She gestured at Marika’s lap.

- Oh, that - that is just something Captain landed me today. I haven’t read it yet, so I can’t recommend it to you.

- I’ve never seen it before… Nevermind. Let’s talk about the party!

- Oh, yeah… - Marika seems to be just now reminded of the upcoming party.

- Are you coming? - Momo asked, concerned.

- Of course! You?

- Yes… What do you think, will Captain be going?

- He ought to? I think he always follows protocols and such. Why didn’t you ask him? - Marika was thinking if she remembered Aizen ever not going to any official event.

- Yeah, he is probably going… I can’t ask him that! He will think that I am too interested in him…

- Momo, I think everyone can tell that…

Momo flushed red and buried her face in her hands.

- I’m hopeless, hopeless!

- Heyy there, there - Marika patted her on the back - you’re alright. Why don’t you try dancing with him at the party, and see where it goes?

- Okay - she seemed somehow even redder.

“How does she even communicate with him… I would give a coin to see them alone. Hmm, maybe they have already been intimate… “, Marika almost chuckled at the thought.

- Now compose yourself Momo, I see an officer coming with the paperwork.

Momo nodded and straightened her hair and the uniform. They got down to business.

[mephinomaly]

[TL] PYSCHOBREAK/Chapter 6

[ This post uses Ois~su ♪ ]

Time: That day at night

Location: In a training room in ES

Rei: Wanko~♪ Do you want the ball~?

Go fetch~ ☆

Koga 2: Ruff ruuuffffff ☆

Adonis 2: …(Fidgeting around like he wants to play too.)

Rei: Kukuku. He looks human but in reality he’s a newborn baby, such an adorable thing ♪

Kaoru: You get on surprisingly well with the fakes which is pretty good.

—But is that really a good thing, Rei-kun?

Rei: Okay, it’s Adonis-kun's turn now ♪ Why don’t you try to catch this piece of string? You can build up physical strength whilst having fun, isn’t that the best?

Adonis 2: ...♪

Kaoru: I’m happy you’re getting on but hey, are you listening? Can you not ignore me please?

Rei: Of course of course. I will never again allow my gaze to be ripped away from my beloved children who adore me.

Kaoru: Who adores who, did you say?

Rei: —I’ve been thinking.

Kaoru: Hm?

Rei: No matter how much I desire it, I can never be an omnipotent, benevolent god. I suppose that’s clear as I could not predict this situation unfolding.

However, I am slightly older than you all, and it is not as if I spent all my time overseas playing around.

I’m just a tiny bit more experienced onii-chan than you all.

Kaoru: What are you trying to say? You just want to brag about being older? Or do you hate being seen as an old hag?[1] Is this a type of power harassment?

Rei: Kukuku. It’s weird for me not to, Kaoru-kun. Well, there’s nothing I can do in this situation.

We must keep our minds as tranquil as a mountain peak. If our juniors see us seniors fumble, it will create anxiety for them.

Kaoru: Uhuh. Being a senpai is hard work.

So? What are you thinking about?

Rei: Umu. I have no evidence regarding this, all I can do is make guesses on the sequence of events that brought us into this and why it even began to start with.

I have an overall understanding of this situation.

In other words, we now know the truth behind this mysterious set of circumstances.

Kaoru: Wa～, well done! You’re an amazing detective ♪

Rei: Kaoru-kun could have guessed it as well. You are the son of a wise scholar after all.

However, you are a pragmatic child. This case is a bit of an anomaly, and contains unrealistic aspects.

Kaoru: Unrealistic, hm… Ah, I guess that describes it well.

Rei: Umu. Now the question is; how do we escape this situation?

You will understand this analogy, but we are in a locked room. There is only one exit and entrance, and a specific key is required to open them.

However, the key is hidden amongst an endless amount of objects scattered around said room.

Kaoru: It’s like a super difficult ‘escape the room’ game.

Rei: There aren’t any hints though. Unfortunately, there is not enough time to carefully examine each and every item in the room in order to find the key.

We must somehow escape, before the reality we live in warps and breaks down.

Kaoru: Since it’s you, I’m sure you’ve come up with a way to get us out of here. I say that half jokingly ♪

Rei: Umu. I must respond if someone asks something of me, as superstar Rei Sakuma-senpai.

—There is one thing I want to do.

However, it is a dangerous gamble. I am concerned that there may be burdens on the mind and body, primarily on the brain.

Kaoru: Don’t you dare say something all stand-offish like “so that's why I’ll handle it by myself.” If UNDEAD has a problem, then it’s all of our problem. We should share that burden together.

Rei: Kukuku. That’s something old Kaoru-kun would never have said. Now we have been reminded of our past selves, those words deeply move me.

Kaoru: Don’t make fun of me. So, what’s this thing you want to do?

What should we do to get out of this weird situation?

Rei: We need to dream.

When I investigated the AIIE experiment facilities the other day, I happened upon the machines we were connected to, the manuals on how to operate them, and the drugs we were prescribed.

As one could expect, the manuals contained a lot of technical lingo, but with help from a family member who is good at those sorts of things, I was able to come to grips with how it works.

Therefore, if we desire so, we can dream of those days once again.

Visit the memories of when Deadmanz disappeared, and us, UNDEAD, arose.

I suspect our answers will be there.

Kaoru: It’s embarrassing to see me back then being so uptight, but if there’s nothing else we can do, I suppose I can comply.

Rei: Kaoru-kun is still an inexperienced cute boy, hm? I am but a lump of shame.

You may be ashamed of your past self now, but in ten years you may feel the same about your current self.

Let’s do everything in our power now so we do not regret anything in the future.

Will you help me, Kaoru-kun?

Kaoru: Of course I will. I’ve said this a lot already, but this is all of our problem.

Rei: Wonderful… This is also just a guess, but I believe I am the cause behind everything.

Seeds from the past left unwatered grow out of spite. I must reap what I sow, before they can grow anymore.

So this doesn’t happen again. So that I don’t lose anyone again.

[ ☆ ]

Kaoru says 年齢マウント. Not sure if we have a word like that in english but it’s when the eldest of a group of girls (whether idols or just friendship groups) is seen as an old woman despite only being slightly older than the others

Chapter 5

Chapter 7

[your-queer-dad]

hey dad everything’s really getting worse for me found out I’m Aro and I like boys and I’ve been with someone who’s gender-fluid and I told them and said the whole this is what I like I love you platonicly if you don’t want to be friends I get it thing I’ve been having panic attacks All day and it gave me a killer headache and I’m pretty sure I’m insanely dehydrated from all the crying now I’ve always had problems with like identifying my emotions and addressing them let alone feeling anything at all cause of childhood trauma shit also I have a 12 paragraph essay due tommorow that I haven’t even started on we’ve had a month to work on it and I keep having medical issues I’m pretty much medically fucked and I’ve been weening off prescribed steroids that we’re keeping me alive and now I have withdraw symptoms since December then my back started having problems and there’s a bulging disk in it. Also my friend just texted that they still want to be friends with me and I have no idea how to even process or handle that

I wish my parents did something to teach me about emotions and how to handle them they were really snotty and just lied and threaten me a lot and I knew it was bad but I guess I never really picks up on the fact that they just didn’t teach me a lot of basic coping and communication stuff so I’ve always sort of just been ready to get threatened and hurt again they always put me in medically dangerous shit that I almost died from and downplayed it and lied about it so idk sorry this is one giant mess of a ask thingy this is the bloody trans boy btw im the same guy shit just gets worse and worse for me man can I have another hug and maybe some advice or something I’m so used to having to lie about how I feel or like idk just deal with minipulation and people leaving I just started like learning when I’m wrong and admitting to it a couple years ago and everyone always leaves after it which like fair enough I just never really planned for anyone to stay this is overwhelming as fuck

Hey kiddo, thank you so much for reaching out again. It sounds like you have so much on your shoulders to deal with right now and it sounds really overwhelming to be going through all of that alone. I'm so proud of you being here, despite all of that- and I promise you're not alone and you don't have to deal with this all alone kiddo.

I'm so sorry your parents did that and acting that way, and I understand why you would want them to act like actually parents instead of what they did.

Please take care of yourself- make sure you drink enough water and do whatever medical things you need to do- let yourself rest. 🫂🫂🫂🫂 I'm always here to listen, no matter what happens, and I'll always be here whenever you need me. I love you kiddo.

- dad x

[astral-actias]

Despite being one (in part) I've realized that I just don't feel like I have anything especially in common with spiritual nonhumans anymore. It's just not a big deal to me. It's whatever. It's wallpaper. It's just a neutral fact about me and I don't feel any mystery or magic or excitement in it at this point any more than I do from like, I don't know. Having eyebrows.

Then again I'm pretty informed on the psychology side of my being nonhuman and I feel the same about that. Like, yeah. It's a thing that exists. Big deal.

I could probably come up with other reasons I call myself nonhuman but I don't even care to. The only reason I can explain those is because I thought you Had To Have An Explanation, and for circles like otherkin, it's expected, and that's where I started, so I followed the prescribed method of discussion.

Except, I'm not otherkin, so I don't have to do that actually, so I'm not.

I think the real thing is I literally don't care about origins or anything to do with them and I'm only really interested in like, qualitative day-to-day differences. Which is fine but hoo boy do I have no community and nowhere that fits as a result, because people always want to know why you're nonhuman, and my answer is just, who cares? Fuck it we ball.

Well, a lot of people care, I guess, making me an outlier who wants to talk about something nobody else does. I should be used to it by now.

I wonder if that's why I feel so much more robot than fae anymore. I feel very estranged from the magic side of shit. I'm not not fae, still, but I'm beginning to play with the notion of what if I just stopped calling myself that and see what happens. It's not like I've got much to discuss there, and I have all kinds of random things about me that I don't identify with but they're still true even if they're not worth bringing up.

I think I'm having the opposite intended experience of trying to hang out at a mythical nonhuman online convention (not that I've made it to a single panel and I probably won't; my attendance record is 1 or 2 panels ever in 4 years): I'm looking at everyone assembled having a super moving, amazing, magical time and hanging out with like-minded sorts and finding community, and going, I'm friends with many of these people and they're lower-case my people, but it is glaringly obvious that these are not capital-letters My People, and I'm not sure what I'm even still doing here.

[homesweetgoodneighbor]

Hey Kami, what do you think Mayor McDonough's first name was? Some people assume it's Guy, but I have this idea that Hancock got his love of American history from his mama and she named her first baby George after Washington and her second baby John after John Adams or, even better, maybe after John Hancock in a crazy twist of fate. What do you think? :)

Weirdly enough, I never really thought about it. Probably because I usually refer to him as McDipshit.

I've heard some people say his first name is actually Mayor, which is just...a thing, I guess. I only recently saw people who think his name is Guy, and I can see that, but Hancock has a habit of calling other dudes "guy" so I'm not sure I prescribe to that one either, although, I mean, people's HCs are their HCs and I ain't gonna judge them for it.

I mean, our boy got his love of history from somewhere. I mean, growing up in DC means he had a formal education, and I agree with most people's opinions that he's always been a big reader, despite his assertion about ghouls and books being their best friends. I, personally, have an HC that his mom is originally from Diamond City, but his dad was from a settlement elsewhere. That they tried to live in the wilds where his dad was happiest, but his mother couldn't stand it and dragged them all back to DC. But, his dad often took the boys fishing just to get the hell out of the city for a while. So, it would stand to reason in my HC that his mom would be more the history buff. DC folks tend to kind of be stuck in the past. I mean, their music hasn't changed; they want people are separated by wealth like the "good old days" despite living in the fucking apocalypse; and they are racist as fuck. All the finer points of the fucking 50s. Bleh. I can see his mom being the one trying to instill the importance of history, maybe in a misguided kind of way, in her boys. It just so happens, they each took that in a different direction.

I really love the flip sides of the coin that they play in FO4.

Anyway, I can see his brother being a George. Or maybe even Thomas, after Thomas Jefferson.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying, I think that's a pretty damn cool idea!

.

.

-------------------- I just realized that when Hancock uses "guy" it was talking about dudes he has an intense hatred towards. McDipshit and Vic he referred to as "guy". Huh.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

little update on me, i guess

i'm feeling a little more like myself, i guess. slowly but surely.

i've appreciated being able to just take it slow and steady one day at a time because that's all i can really do right now.

this week was kinda rough, though

for one thing, one of my managers accused me of not doing something i know for a fact i did do and that it's another person who's guilty of what she's talking about but for whatever reason she just...assumed it was me??

i did stand my ground on that one, though, i was like, "can you give me an example of where that's happened because i actually found a bug in the system last week so i want to make sure it's not that again because i'm pretty sure i did what you're saying i didn't" and she was just like, "i don't have it right now, i'll send you some in the future if i come across them!!!" like yeah, okay i'll hold my breath on that one

and listen, i know i've made some mistakes here and there on the charts i've been doing, i'll own that. fair enough. but this other thing she's talking about is separate and i know i go above and beyond sometimes while the other person doing the same thing i am is just flying through the fucking things and it's because as i've noticed myself, she's not doing the thing i got a ~helpful reminder~ email about

in any case, i wasn't wrong in thinking that shit was coming out of left field because on the same day she also spoke so awfully to one of the schedulers that she straight up quit, so!!! there's that.

then on thursday i had my yearly neurology appointment which was fine, he pretty much just asks if my medicine is still working and if we need to adjust the dose, does a quick little check up and then sends me home with my renewed prescription and an appointment for next year.

the problem was it's the first time i've really had to extensively interact with someone who doesn't know what's been going on with me and so i was just sort of in a daze the whole time because part of me was like...should i mention it?? is it relevant to my health??

because i noticed my blood pressure was a little higher than usual which to be fair could be due to multiple things but like...i dunno, maybe also grief and the lack of sleep i've been getting? maybe!

ultimately though i decided not to mention it and when he asked how i was doing i just gave him The Script "i'm good, how about you?" and things just moved on from there

we did talk a little about tears for fears, though since i was wearing a tears for fears shirt. he likes them AND he's seen the cure recently so...very cool neurologist. he also prescribed me to listen to talk talk so i'll get on that at some point

anyway, after the visit i was like, "well, that was a whole ordeal, let me go pick up some lunch at the new chipotle that just opened up closer to my house!"

and i knew that i'd have to pass the funeral home to get to it and was prepared for that although it still kinda stings (even though it's the same damn funeral home we used for ashley so like you'd think i'd be used to it by now but)

what i was not prepared for, though, as i was pulling out of the parking lot was to see the hospice place we used right behind the chipotle so...that's neat!!

also later on that day my mom told me about someone else we know whose father also just passed away and unfortunately he went the same way my sister did, so...thrusday was just trigger after trigger after trigger!!

i'll also just mention this and try not to focus on it too much because i think she might actually be working on it now, but my mom's drinking lately has been...not great

i get that if there's ever a time to do it that it would be now and i've been pretty patient and cool about it up until recently and have started saying something

i actually had a meltdown about it this week because it's just...a lot.

as much as i understand it's just so many things wrapped together

i just lost one parent, i'm not really prepared to watch another one go, even if it's slowly

family of four to three to now two and it's like she's speedrunning to make it one

there's also just the...yay, i never get to stop taking care of someone!!! element of it

it's like i told her, part of why she thinks she can drink so much and that everything is fine, it'll be okay, it's fine is because both dad and i went behind her to make it that way

together we worked as a team to make sure she got to bed safely, that her phone was inside and plugged up, that all the doors were closed and locked for the night, that the dog was inside and put to bed, that all the food was put up, etc., etc.

now it's just me.

and i've been doing it now for a little while. i don't say anything, i don't bring my feelings into it at all. i'll just gently usher her to bed when i feel like she's had enough even though i know she'll still get up and have a couple more when she thinks i've gone to sleep and so i'll go downstairs again a few times just to make sure she's really finally safely asleep

but yeah, that's kinda reached its boiling point so i dunno, we'll see

this is the first weekend i've had where i haven't had to worry and i'm not so naive as to think it'll be like this from now on so i've just been trying to enjoy it while it lasts

i've also been spending as much time as possible in the pool until we close it next weekend

it is........very cold in there but if it gets above 80 degrees i'm getting in there and getting in the last of my pool exercises and then immediately getting back out lol

but yeah, i think that's about it for now

i'm still doing my therapy every other week and am still journaling away.

i've had a couple of dreams where i think my dad has visited me. there's always just a different vibe when it's someone who's passed, it's hard to explain, but my therapist said it's real so we'll go with that

he never really says much, he just smiles and is just there, looking like himself.

that's been comforting.

in any case, i'm hopeful october will be a good month because it's october, duh!!

i've also taken the week of my birthday off as a treat to myself and even if i do nothing but sleep all that week i'll be happy

i'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my weekend and i hope if you're reading this you have a good one as well and may we both have a better week ahead as we move into spoopy season!

[pigeonwhumps]

A long-overdue medical

Immortal Cannon Fodder masterlist

Phoenix has a long-overdue medical and they, Kai and Aaron all learn a few things.

1.6k words

CWs: Medical setting, scars, chronic pain, discussed physical abuse, implied restricting of food, discussed emotional abuse

I've named the characters since I wrote the original drabble! I've since renamed them in it, but in case you read that before the naming, the Whumpee is now called Phoenix, Caretaker is Kai, and Medic is Aaron.

Phoenix sits down on one of the few spare beds in the medbay and Aaron draws blue curtains around the three of them.

“Sit there a minute while I pull up your records.” Phoenix nods, tangling their hands together in their oversized hoodie as Aaron turns to his computer. Kai hovers around awkwardly, unsure what to do. He agreed to come because Phoenix asked, but he’s pretty much useless in here. Phoenix glances up at him and he squeezes their shoulder.

“Alright,” says Aaron, turning to them, “since you haven’t had any checks since your initial one five years ago, I’m going to give you a thorough check-up. If that’s alright with you, of course.”

“Yes, of course,” replies Phoenix quietly, looking surprised. “But won’t Abbie be wanting us back soon?”

“She can’t requisition someone from the medbay. And besides, they’ve got a whole new plan to work out, we’ve got long enough to give you a check-up.”

“Oh.”

Aaron smiles at them reassuringly. “Before I begin, I need you to remove any camouflage you’re using on yourself. I can’t examine you properly if I’m missing bits.”

Phoenix swallows audibly and removes their hoodie to reveal pale skin under a black t-shirt. Then they close their eyes, fingers twitching. Kai slips his hand into theirs and they clutch it tightly, nails digging in.

Their skin ripples and lines and blotches appear on their skin, disappearing under the fabric of their top. Kai gasps as faint burn scars in the shape of handprints etch themselves into their forearms.

“Are those Abbie’s handprints?” he asks, unable to keep the utter fury from his voice. Phoenix pulls away, scrambling back until they hit the headboard, wide eyes fixed on him.

“Sorry. ’m sorry.”

Kai forces his voice to calm. “What are you sorry for?”

“I– I made you angry and I spoke out of turn and, um, I don’t know but–”

“I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at Abbie. You’ve done nothing wrong, I promise.”

“Oh.” There’s painful hope in their eyes now. “You won’t punish me?”

“No. No, of course not.”

Phoenix nods, inching closer to Kai again. When they’re close enough he takes their hand back, tracing circles over the perfectly round scar on their wrist. “I, um, Abbie doesn’t know her own strength sometimes.”

“Has anyone else on the team got scars like that?”

“No, not that I know of.”

“Then she knows perfectly well her own strength,” says Kai gently. Phoenix blinks and shakes their head.

Aaron steps up to the bed, professional demeanour fully in place. “Do your scars cause you any pain?”

Phoenix nods. “It’s not bad all the time though.”

The medic scribbles something down. “How much pain would you say you’re in normally, on a scale of one to ten? This chart might help, if you’re not sure.” He hands Phoenix a sheet of paper, which they study carefully before answering.

“Three.”

“Okay. And when they flare up?”

“Seven. But– it’s not often that bad.”

Aaron nods, noting it down. “And are you on any medications already?”

Phoenix shakes their head. “If it’s really bad I take paracetamol, but I’m not taking any right now.”

“Does it help?”

“A bit. Not completely, but enough that I can work.”

“Okay. I’m going to prescribe you some capsaicin cream. Rub a small amount into the areas that hurt four times a day, and make sure to avoid open wounds. Wait until you get back from this mission to start using it, just in case there’s any side effects.” Phoenix nods. “I’m not going to do a full-body exam today, but I’d like to book you in for an MRI. I’m guessing that most of your scars are from mortal or at the very least serious injuries, which means you likely have some internal scarring. I want to see how bad it is and if we need to do something about it. Would you be alright with that?”

“Yes but I thought, um, don’t you have to ask Abbie if you can first? Since I’m on her team?”

Aaron frowns. “No. No, of course not. Team leaders don’t have the right to block people from medical treatment. Is that why you’ve never come to see me?”

Phoenix looks down, flushing hard, picking at the bed cover with their free hand. “Abbie said that, um, that she had to approve it. If I wanted to go to the medbay. And if I asked, she reminded me that my going would waste resources, because I’m immortal anyway, and that the rest of the team needed me with them. And then she asked whether I was sure I wanted to go. I– I only asked a couple of times before... well, she didn’t like being questioned.”

“That’s bullshit, kid,” growls Aaron. Phoenix flinches. “I’m not angry with you. But it’s bullshit, what Abbie told you. You can come here at any time. Hell, you could just come for a chat. You don’t need Abbie’s permission. And it certainly wouldn’t be a waste of resources treating you, you’re one of the League’s employees. You’re who they’re for. Don’t let anyone deny you them. In fact, I’m going to mandate check-ups for you after every mission, just in case anyone tries.”

“Thank you, sir,” whispers Phoenix, choked.

“You’re welcome, but please don’t call me sir. This is just information that someone should’ve told you years ago.”

Kai looks at Phoenix, trembling, fingernails digging into his hand, visibly trying to hold themself together, and feels the urge to do something he hasn’t in a long time. “Phoenix, can I give you a hug?”

Phoenix nods, and Kai pulls them against him, arm encircling them. They tuck their head into his neck and after a few moments he feels their shoulders shake against him, tears dampening his t-shirt. They crumble against him and he tightens his grip, supporting them. In the two weeks he’s been here, Kai hasn’t even really seen them emotional, let alone break down like this, but this feels like something that’s been a long time coming.

Eventually Phoenix pulls away, wiping their eyes. “Sorry. We can, um, continue now.”

Aaron studies them closely before nodding. “Okay. So I have your height on file, but not your current weight. Just take your shoes off and stand on the scales here for me.” Phoenix gets up shakily and walks over to Aaron, toeing their trainers off. “Hmm... you’re slightly underweight, but not dangerously so. We need to keep an eye on it, make sure you’re eating enough. Do you think you’re eating enough at the moment?” They shake their head. “Okay. At least you know that.”

“I’ll make sure they eat more,” calls Kai, forcing a smile as they both look round. He can guess why Phoenix hasn’t been eating properly, and he’s damn well going to make sure that changes. Aaron nods.

“Right. Thanks. Phoenix, you can sit back down now. There’s just a couple more tests I need to run before we head back.” He pulls out a stethoscope and blood pressure monitor.

Both are healthy, and after Aaron’s unstrapped the blood pressure monitor, they ask, “would you like me to report what the team’s been doing to you? I don’t have to, since you’re an adult, but I can.”

Phoenix shakes their head. “No, I– I’m fine. Please don’t report it.”

“Okay. On the condition that you apply for a transfer. Kai won’t be on your team forever, and it’s a matter of your health and safety that you move to a team that treats you decently.”

“I– I can do that?”

“Of course,” says Kai. “I can request you for my usual team if you like?” They nod. “Consider it done then. Since you don’t want to report the abuse it’ll take longer, because they’ll wait for a replacement instead of moving you immediately, but I’ll try and extend my transfer here for as long as possible. They’ll understand. I can’t promise I’ll be here as long as you are though.”

Phoenix nods again, offering a tentative smile, and Aaron says heavily, “And I owe you an apology. I’ve made many mistakes over the years, but none as bad as not noticing what you were going through. Abbie said you were refusing treatment, and I believed her, because it’s your right to, but I should’ve checked with you personally, especially because you were only sixteen when you arrived. I should’ve noticed you were so miserable. I thought there were cracks in the team but fuck, nothing like this. I’m truly sorry.”

“’s okay.”

“It’s really not. Can we start over? Before I made any horrific mistakes.” Phoenix nods and he extends a hand. “Hi, I’m Aaron, your medic. And I’d like to be your friend.”

Phoenix shakes it, smiling. “I’m Phoenix. Pleased to meet you. You– you really want to be my friend?”

“Yep.”

“And me,” interjects Kai, not wanting to be left out, “I’m your friend too.”

“Both of you?” they ask in a choked whisper.

“Don’t see why not,” he replies, would-be casually.

The beaming smile Phoenix gives at this is cautious and tearful and just a little heartbreaking, and Kai finds himself thinking that even if he doesn’t end up staying here for long, it will have been worth it to make the kid smile like this.

[winterswhite]

Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.