#random vent but i guess i just felt a bit silly and wanted to get my thoughts out 😅😅😅

[nyupuun]

Oh I completely forgot. I did go to the Structure event !!

I ended up buying 3 and that ended up being my deck for the event... All things considered, I didn't do too bad. I lost 3 games and won 2, so nothing too amazing, but honestly I didn't care too much cause I was too excited over the fact that I can summon Red Supernova Dragon and all that (I ended up only summoning her one game... 🥲 But I did win that one!!!! The other RDA cards were so fun too, I'm a huge fan of big dragons.)

Anyways, maybe if I fix up the deck I'll take it to locals again, although I'm unsure what exactly to do against stuff like Unchained and Purrely (but I am generally a bit clueless there .. I also kinda don't care that much? I'm happy enough to play a few rounds even if I lose. But also! I did win against Unchained once so maybe I just have to overwhelm my opponent quickly. Like how the king does it!!!)

Also I had to try be normal about the Everybody's King card cause it makes me so sad 5Ds is so awful (said lovingly and full of joy)

(Another person also shared my enthusiasm for 5D's which made me really happy, although I felt a bit silly cause they would go like 'oh i liked this scene and that' and I'd say what episode it was and what i liked about that episode and i felt really insane.)

[bobmckenzie]

ouugh I posted 2 of my edits on tiktok but then they actually got attention and I got nervous and privated them 🤡 🤡 🤡 wkejskjskd

[mortimer-writes-sometimes]

Can I request something where sans keeps making excuses to keep Grillby talking? And when confronted, he admits that he just likes hearing Grillby’s voice? 👉👈

Haha, so this was going to just be silly fluff, I swear, but...  Look I swear it all works out and it’s really cute in the end. I hope you enjoy!

Talk to Me

Word count: 3323 Summary: Sans wants to hear from his boyfriend more, but he goes about it the wrong way.

“Hello Sans, this is Grillby. I just wanted to call and make sure you’re alright. It’s been two days since I’ve seen you at the bar… I asked Dogamy and Dogeressa if they’d seen you and they both said they haven’t. Are you ill? If you are, I could bring something for you and Papyrus, or- ah, well, I’ve been talking long enough. Forgive my rambling. Just send me a message to let me know you’re alright? I hope to see you soon.”

Sans let the voicemail play as he laid in bed, relaxing a bit. It had been months since Grillby left that message. Sans had some kind of flu and was bedridden for a week. As soon as Grillby heard, he came over with canned soup, cold packs, and audiobooks, giving Papyrus a break to rest and ensuring that both of the skeletons were well cared for. The audiobooks had been nice, but they’d been nothing compared to Grillby’s voicemail. When Sans heard it, it occurred to him that he wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Grillby talk for that long in one go. The even rhythm of his voice was remarkably soothing. Sans had fallen asleep to that insignificant message more than once.

The skeleton felt a bit silly. He and Grillby were dating now. He had more than enough opportunity to talk to him. Something still felt off though. Even when they were outside the bar, Grillby was always a one-or-two sentences kind of guy. He never told any stories, he didn’t ramble on about his favorite subjects, and he never vented in length about his day. And then there was that phrase. “Forgive my rambling,” Sans muttered to himself, frowning. He’d heard that twice since he’d started dating Grillby, and something about it didn’t sit right with him. Speaking about dates with Grillby…

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Sans’s watch went off and he shot up. Shoot, he was late! Grillby had the evening off and they had agreed to meet up at the bar before going to MTT Resort for dinner. Grillbz made a reservation and everything! Sans hurriedly put on a black tuxedo-print shirt and then threw his freshly-washed jacket on top. That was about as close to fancy as Sans got.

Grabbing his phone, the skeleton took a shortcut to Grillby’s, where the bartender himself was waiting outside. Damn, he made Sans feel underdressed. Grillby had a black suit jacket on over his navy blue dress shirt, and it looked like he might have even ironed his usual bowtie for this. He was looking at his watch, making Sans feel a pang of guilt. This was what, the fourth time in a row he’d been late for a date?

Grillby didn’t seem to mind it. He glanced up and caught sight of Sans, smiling a bit. “I see you’re all dressed up,” he chuckled. “You look nice.”

“Not as nice as you, hot stuff.” Sans grinned, holding out a hand for Grillby. “Ready to go?”

Grillby nodded and took his hand. “Ready.”

Dating Start!

One moment, they were in Snowdin. The next, they were at MTT Resort, barely in time for their reservation. Sans had done a few comedy gigs at MTT before, so it wasn’t like it was a new place to him, but somehow going there with Grillby made it feel different. The lighting felt softer, the music seemed gentler, and when the two of them sat at their table, the smile Grillby gave Sans made the skeleton feel like he was dreaming. For the first time, MTT Resort Restaurant felt romantic.

“What are you thinking about?” Grillby asked, breaking Sans’s train of thought.

Sans chuckled. “You,” he responded honestly. “You make the whole room light up wherever you go.”

Grillby arched an eyebrow. “Well, I am made of fire.”

“Oh my god, you know what I meant,” Sans managed through his laughter. As he calmed, he gave the bartender a soft smile. “This is nice. I’ve been here a thousand times, but it’s different when it’s with you. A good different. You make everything better.”

Grillby blushed, smiling. “Sans… that was the sappiest thing I have ever heard.”

Sans grinned at his teasing. “Aww, you know you love me.”

“I do.” Grillby rested his arm on the table, opening his hand to Sans. The skeleton took him up on his offer and mimicked the gesture, holding Grillby’s hand on top of the table. Grillby ran his thumb over Sans’s knuckles, thoughtful as he looked at their joined hands.

Usually, from there, Sans would start the conversation back up with an onslaught of puns or start talking about his day. The skeleton’s thoughts drifted back to that voicemail. ‘Forgive me for rambling.’ Their talks were always pretty one-sided, huh? It didn’t seem to bother Grillby at all, but it bothered Sans. He wanted to hear his boyfriend ramble. He wanted to know what was going on inside the fire monster’s head. And, if he was being honest with himself, he just wanted to take a moment to bask in Grillby’s even baritone voice.

“What are you thinking about?” Sans asked.

Grillby hadn’t expected that question, looking up. “Us,” he answered simply, smiling a bit.

That wasn’t a satisfying answer! Sans pressed a little more. “What about us?”

“About the time we spend together.” Grillby met Sans’s gaze, eyes full of tenderness and beautiful firelight. “I have never felt greater happiness than I do by your side.”

Man, how did he manage to sound so romantic in so few words? Sans flustered, dramatically fanning his face. “I’m swooning. And you said I’m a sap? If I’m a sap,” he joked, “Then you’re the whole maple.”

Grillby chuckled. “So tonight’s joke theme is going to be trees, I take it?”

“You better be-leaf it.” Sans winked at him. “Hey, why do trees make the worst frienemies?” He waited for a beat, then said, “Because they’re the best at throwing shade!”

Sans sometimes wondered if Grillby would have laughed at that joke if it came from someone other than him. Whether or not he would, he was laughing now, and Sans wanted it to go on forever. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Grillby regained his composure and let go of Sans’s hand, picking up a menu. “While I hate to interrupt the pleasant-trees, we should figure out what we want to eat.”

“Heh, good one,” Sans mumbled with a smile as he picked up his menu. Aha! This could be the perfect opportunity! “You know,” he began, “I’ve been here for gigs, but I’ve never actually eaten here. All these fancy dishes sound super complicated. Can you explain some of this stuff to me?” Grillby was passionate about cooking, so surely he would have a few words on the matter. More than a few, hopefully.

Grillby glanced up over the top of his menu. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Uhh…” Good question! Sans hadn’t really thought about it. “I dunno. I’ll figure it out as we go?”

Grillby nodded and looked back down at the menu. “Alright.” He considered the dishes on the menu for a long moment. “What about the swiss steak? It’s a tenderized steak cooked in a pan with onions and tomato sauce. It appears in the recipe they use here they also add mushrooms. I can’t be sure, but as far as spices go I would guess- well. I’ve already explained the basics. Forgive me for rambling.”

“No no, you’re good! I…” Sans wanted to groan. Oh, come on! For a moment there, the skeleton had been able to get completely lost in Grillby’s voice, taking in every word. “I, um, I think that sounds good, but I want to hear about some other stuff first.” He scanned the menu, picking a random dish. “What’s, uh… beef stroganoff?”

Grillby tilted his head, locating the name on the menu with interest. “Oh, that’s another good dish. Stroganoff is made with small pieces of a marbled cut of steak, ideally sirloin or ribeye. The sauce is made with…” Grillby trailed off and adjusted his glasses. “Well, it’s a white sauce. It’s usually served over noodles.”

So. Freaking. Close! “Yeah, great,” Sans mumbled, looking for another food that might get the bartender talking. He’d seemed excited to share for a minute there, so why did he stop? It was so frustrating! “What about… how do you say this one? Cock-ow-vien?”

“Coq au Vin,” Grillby corrected gently. “It’s a chicken dish. The chicken is slow-baked with vegetables in a wine sauce.” He stopped there instead of going on as he had before. Darn. Operation Have-Grillby-Explain-The-Entire-Menu was a bust.

Sans ended up going with the ‘Coq au Vin’, mispronouncing it on purpose when he ordered so Grillby would give him that fond look of exasperation he loved so much. The skeleton chuckled and played innocent, shrugging. “What’s with that expression? I said it eggs-actly how you did!”

Grillby just rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I wonder why I ever chose to date a comedi-hen,” the bartender sighed, smiling a bit at Sans’s resulting snicker. “So how was your day?”

Sans shrugged. “Eh, pretty much the usual. Papyrus tried out that waffle recipe you gave him today. It was… interesting.” Usually, he would elaborate, but he had something else on his mind. Time for Plan B: Make Grillby the center of attention! “Hey, you used to live around here, didn’t you?” Sans asked, abruptly changing the topic. “What was that like? As a kid?” If there was one thing any monster could go on about, it was childhood memories. Right?

Apparently not. “It wasn’t significantly different from living in Snowdin,” Grillby answered simply, eyeing the water the waiter had brought him as if it were going to jump out of the glass. “Just warmer.”

And… that was it. That was all Grillby had to say about it. If anything, the bartender seemed to be talking even less than usual. Sans was starting to get a little frustrated. “I’m sure it was different. More monsters, the construction of the Core… C’mon, Grillbz, don’t be shy about it. What was it like?”

“Noisy.” Grillby pushed the glass of water a bit further from himself. “That’s part of why I moved to Snowdin.”

Sans picked up the distracting glass and threw it over his shoulder. “Well then tell me why else you moved to Snowdin. Lava to snow seems like a pretty big shift just to get away from the noise.”

Grillby was caught a little bit off-guard, glancing over Sans’s shoulder before meeting his eyes again. “W-well, I’m an adult. It’s natural that I would leave home at some point, haha…”

“Yeah, but don’t fire monster families usually stick close together?” Sans asked.

“That’s correct.” Grillby adjusted his glasses, gaze falling to the table. “But I chose to open a business in Snowdin.”

Well, now they were just going around in circles. It seemed no matter what Sans asked or what buttons he pushed, Grillby was going to give him short, distant answers. The skeleton was beyond frustrated. Was it so much for him to ask to hear his boyfriend talk for more than a few seconds at a time?! He sighed inwardly as an oblivious waiter came by with their food, setting it on the table and cheerily asking if they needed anything else before walking off. The food looked nice, but the conversation tonight was… well, kind of nonexistent.

An awkward silence settled over the table as the two monsters looked at their plates. Unsurprisingly, Sans ended up being the one who had to break the silence. “So… Looks good. Why don’t you eat some and tell me what you think?”

Grillby wordlessly picked up his fork, taking a bite of the steak he’d opted for. He noticed he was still being watched and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I-it’s good,” he mumbled. Did Sans realize his eyes had darkened? Was everything okay? The fire monster was starting to feel like he was being interrogated.

“Yeah? Care to elaborate on that?” Sans knew he was being pushy, but he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted to hear Grillby talk. He wanted to see him let down his guard and ramble for once. Just once, he wanted to be the one listening instead of the one doing all the talking. Was that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Grillby suddenly stood up, keeping his gaze on the wall, the floor, anywhere but Sans. “Excuse me,” he mumbled, “I need to step outside for a moment.” 

Sans sat up straight, finally snapping out of his thoughts long enough to pay attention to his boyfriend’s body language. Grillby was on the defensive, tension evident in each flame of his body. Before Sans could say anything to stop him, the fire monster had rushed off, walking past him and exiting the building. Well, shit.

“What the hell just happened?” Sans mumbled to himself, going over the events of the evening in his head. Yeah, maybe he’d been a bit pushy with Grillby, but it wasn’t worth getting that upset over, right?

“What was it like?”

“Noisy.”

“Don’t fire monster families usually stick close together?”

“That’s correct.”

“Ah, well, I’ve been talking long enough. Forgive my rambling.”

“Forgive me for rambling.”

...Grillby’s been talking plenty, Sans realized, eye sockets widening. He’s been telling me he’s uncomfortable all evening. I just wasn’t listening.

Grillby sat against the wall outside of MTT Resort, sighing as he took off his glasses and hung his head. He felt so embarrassed. He just couldn’t figure out what he had been doing wrong, and if Sans had kept questioning him he was sure he was going to cry or yell or- or something unpleasant. It had been weird when Sans started asking about the menu as if he couldn’t read, but Sans was weird like that sometimes. It went from weird to uncomfortable when the skeleton started asking personal questions, practically demanding answers. The bartender wanted to answer them. It wasn’t fair that Grillby knew so much about Sans’s personal life and Sans knew so little of Grillby’s, but…

...well. The fire monster had his reasons for not talking about it on what was supposed to be a romantic date.

People talked to people. Grillby knew this. His patrons at the bar were always making small talk and rambling and telling their stories, and that was a good thing. That was how people got to know others and become friends. On more than one occasion, he’d find himself listening to a conversation and thinking of just the story to tell or just the comment to add.

On more than one occasion, he felt a hand on the back of his neck, shoving him down and reminding him that children were seen and not heard. Even as an adult, that inclination to only say what needed to be said and to say it as concisely as possible stayed stubbornly in the back of his throat, choking any stray chatter that might make trouble for him.

People talked to people. Grillby knew this.

It was just… hard, sometimes.

“Takeout for Gr- Grail-bee? Is there a Grail-bee here?”

Grillby put his glasses back on, looking up. Sans stood over him with a plastic takeout bag, the skeleton looking sheepish as he offered a smile. “Hey there, firefly. You okay?”

“I’m alright,” Grillby mumbled, moving to get up. Sans stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, sitting next to the fire monster instead. Grillby relaxed back against the wall, looking at the bag and immediately feeling guilty. “I’m sorry. I-” Grillby’s voice cracked and he took a deep breath, choking back the tears he’d been trying to avoid in the restaurant. “I ruined dinner, didn’t I?”

“No, no, Grillbz,” Sans quickly reassured, turning towards Grillby and putting a hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t ruin anything. C’mon, don’t cry- come here, it’s okay, I’m sorry.” He pulled Grillby into a hug, rubbing his back. “Shh, I’m sorry. I made you real uncomfy back there, and that’s on me. I should’ve been paying more attention.”

Grillby wrapped his arms around Sans, taking deep breaths. “Sans,” he finally mumbled, “I understand that you are curious about me and my background, but why were you so… insistent, tonight?”

“Weeellll…” Sans rubbed the back of his neck. “I honestly didn’t care about the question itself so much as I… wanted to get you to… ramble? You know, it sounds really dumb out loud, heheh…”

Grillby took a moment to process that, pulling away after a moment. “You wanted me to ramble?”

Sans chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I mean, I… I-i like the sound of your voice? It’s, um, calming.”

“It’s calming,” Grillby echoed, dumbfounded. All of that stress, just so Sans could listen to him talk for a few minutes.

Sans braced himself for the worst as Grillby lapsed into silence once again. He was going to be pissed, wasn’t he? “Look, I really am sorry, Grillbz. I don’t know what I was thinking, I just-”

Sans was cut off by a quiet snort of laughter. Grillby was… chuckling? Not just chuckling, he was laughing. He started to laugh and then couldn’t stop, resting his head on Sans’s shoulder as the fire of his hair danced with mirth. Needless to say, the skeleton was very confused. “So… Am I missing the punchline here or something?”

Grillby sat up, smiling at Sans with that fond, exasperated look again. “Sans, you numbskull… Why didn’t you just ask me to read you a book?”

Oh. Oh yeah. That probably would’ve been the easiest way to do it. 

Sans groaned and put a hand to his skull, sending Grillby into another fit of laughter at the skeleton’s expense. Sans figured he deserved it, after all the pressure he’d put on Grillby that evening. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I’m guessing this means you forgive me?”

Grillby calmed down, smiling at Sans before planting a kiss on the top of his skull. “Yes,” he said softly, “I forgive you, bonehead.”

“Cool,” Sans chuckled. “Sooooo… If I were to ask you to take me home with you and read to me…”

“The answer would be yes,” Grillby said with a small smile, standing up and offering Sans a hand. “I’ll even let you pick the book. But first, you have to go for a walk with me. We can take a shortcut once we reach Waterfall, not a moment sooner.”

Sans took Grillby’s hand and stood, opting to hold his hand as they walked instead of letting go. “Wow, that’s sweet, Grillbz. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have a crush on me.”

Grillby rolled his eyes fondly. “Good thing we both know better.”

The two fell into a comfortable silence, walking side-by-side through Hotland. Grillby looked around himself as they did, smiling softly. Usually, Sans would be the one to break the silence, if it needed to be broken. Well, it had already been a fairly unusual evening, hadn’t it?

“I used to walk to school down this road,” Grillby suddenly commented, smiling fondly at the memory. “My brother Cole always walked with me, just in case something happened. Of course, the only time something did happen, he was at home sick and I was walking to school alone.”

“Oh?” Sans looked up at him, smiling brightly. Was he dreaming? Or was this really happening? “What happened?”

“Well,” Grillby began, “They had just started construction on a new steam puzzle nearby…”

Another day, Sans would sit down with Grillby and ask him why he moved to Snowdin. Another day, Grillby would be ready to tell him everything. For that evening, though, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was which book Sans would choose and how many pages Grillby could get through before they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Thanks for reading! If you like this, consider reblogging/leaving a comment telling me your favorite part! If you want to send me a prompt, my ask box is open! I hope you liked this!

[dumbwaystodeviate]

Hello!!! Your blog is absolutely fantastic!!! I hope everyone running it has an amazing night’s sleep!!! And as a bonus, do you have any sleep related stories?

Well thank you there :D I’m glad you like it. I could use way more sleep. And ya know, I don’t know if we did so I think it would be a nice time to rectify it.

Humans had a knack for being weird. No matter how many androids one would ask there was always some kind of weird story, be it from things they were personally involved with or just saw passively on the street, there were plenty of laughs and grievances to be had.

Gavin heard quite a few of his own around the office when others thought he wasn’t listening, even Hank seen a few in his short time with the Lieutenant.

“I don’t know why it keeps happening, at least every other week he’s shaking me from stasis over the doorbell going off. We don’t even have a doorbell??? I might not need stasis but I would like to not be woken up with my combat protocols going off because he’s panicking over a nonexistent doorbell.” The HK sounded quite fustrated with the whole thing, led spinning yellow as he watched said disaster of a human doze off at his desk.

The GV couldn’t say he was really interested in their home life, but it wasn’t like he had anything to do at the moment to warrant slipping away. “Sounds like he needs more therapy and less coffee.” He wondered why he ended up being the one other androids vented around.

Apparently that was the right thing to say seeing as the other android relaxed and smiled. “Good idea, I will see what I can do with him.”

Gavin at times was as pleased that he got the more sensible brother to work with, aside from a weird sugar addiction the man had, nothing really interested happened with him outside of work. Not that the android knew much about the man outside of work. He had work to do.

However lately things had been a little off, the rise of android related cases bearing more stress than normal and everyone a little more grouchy. At least the humans. Gavin was doing his best to help Niles but strangely, for such a hard working person, he had found the man kept disappearing. It wasn’t unusual that he left for his breaks, but it was odd that he didn’t get back on time and this fact alone was bugging the GV.

They didn’t have time for that kind of thing, even if he was an android Gavin wasn’t exactly the newest model. He tried to ignore it, but  after two weeks when it started happening even more he had had enough. Thankfully it was easy for him to track Niles’ phone, having connected to it many times. But to be lead to the break room, only to find him not there? That was concerning.

After a bit of searching Gavin was left speechless. He found his human alright, hid away in the cabinet asleep. Now, the android was annoyed as a machine could be, but more than anything just stumped and left spinning yellow at the sure ridiculousness that such a large man managed to wedge himself in there. Apparently both brothers were weird.

After shaking his shoulder a few times, and a few saved pictures, he managed to wake the human back up. Red marks showed brightly on the right side of his face from where he had pressed it, looking dazed as he finally came to.

“Hu? Fuckin’... Go away, i’m on break.”  First time the GV had ever really hear the man curse, was kinda funny.

“Your break ended an hour ago, detective. Get up so we can get the reports done for the day. And perhaps sleep at home.” Whatever surprise there had been had worn off, and Gavin wasted no time in grabbing the man by the arm to haul him out.

Niles only vaguely helped in getting himself out, still half asleep and as coordinated as a baby deer. “Fine, fine. I’m coming, just let go.”

Eager to get back to work Gavin finally let go when he knew Niles was good to go himself. Still, he was left with a few errors he couldn’t quite shake off after finding his partner like that, and he wondered if that was where he had been going all this time. He knew the human was athletic and flexible but that was just silly.

And really that should have been the end of it, but it wasn’t. No, the GV found himself having to hunt down the human more and more during work only to find him napping. First the cabinet, legs curled up almost to his ears. Then the evidence room behind the desk, drooling a little and twitching a bit in his sleep. That one bothered Gavin less because at least he was in a normal position. He didn’t know why he saved a photo of that.

He had a major argument the day he found the human asleep in his car, which wouldn’t be so bad if someone wasn’t trying to get into it after him while he slept. The android wondered how he slept through that, thinking he might have to check the locks at his home just in case.

It was clear to the GV that the man wasn’t sleeping enough at night, suspecting it was largely because of him overworking but wouldn’t rule out other home issues. If he didn’t get the human to sleep proper they were going to be in for a bad time. The last thing they needed was him slipping up in a serious situation.

Niles hadn’t napped today, but Gavin knew it wouldn’t be long before he tried, the slightly glazed look in his eyes being a tell. But he couldn’t just ask the man to go home, there was no way he would listen. So he waited. Waited until he inevitably crept off to find a place to nap. It didn’t take too long before the android found him in another random spot, snoozing like he belonged there. 

“Could you at least sleep on something meant for comfort? A couch or carpet?” He muttered, annoyed as he picked up the much longer man into his arms.

He almost got out of the building without waking the man, but apparently he wasn’t going to be that lucky, seeing as said human had just woken up with a slue of slurred curses.

“Damn android, put me down.” Niles’ squirming wasn’t all that helpful, considering he was half out of it and Gavin was an android, but he did give a valiant effort. 

“Only if you promise to go home, or should I tell the Captain about your habit?”

That seemed to work, the detective staring at him wide eyed before he realised that the GV wasn’t bluffing. “Whatever, just let go.”

It was all Gavin needed, letting him down gently and following him to his car, stealing the keys so they didn’t end up in a fiery pile of metal. And for the most part the drive was quiet, the noise of the car a soft drone that only barely covered up a soft noise starting up. Glancing over at a stoplight he found Niles was out again, slumped over in his seat and even snoring softly. Gavin supposed that this was why parents drove their babies at times, to help them get to sleep, and judging by his partner it sure as hell worked wonders.

He got a few error popups before he realised the light was green, thankful the streets were empty so no one would honk as he continued on his way Niles’ home. From there it was just a matter of taking him in, a much easier task than last time seeing as the man was out cold this round and didn’t wake for a moment. Small blessings.

Gavin couldn’t really bring himself to go into his partners room, even his programming flagging it as a bad idea. Invasion of privacy and all. So he took to the next closest place, the thankfully clear couch. And look! Pillows! It took a few moments but he finally managed to lay the human down and even get the pillow under him, glad the room was warm enough that he didn’t need a cover.

With his task done he knew he should leave, a blaring prompt confirming this, but he didn’t move. Couldn’t really, caught up in examining Niles. The way he always seemed to drool when he was really out of it, the way he hugged the pillow and how his cheek squished just right, Gavin couldn’t help but stare. A face that normally had such a stern look, hard glares, now laid here soft as can be. No invitation, no stress. Gavin believed the word he was looking for was-

There was that programming again, setting up like a red brick wall telling him to leave. Tough luck, however, seeing as the android had picked up a few habits from his partner. Namely being a stubborn ass. 

A few deleted letters here, some moved code there, and Gavin had all but swept the broken coding under the digital rug. He guessed Hank had been onto something with this whole deviant business, felt pretty good to be able to just sit down beside his sleeping human and watch him for a while. Sure it was a little weird but when would he get the chance again? Maybe he could even get in a little stasis of his own too.

Just before he entered stasis he finally found the word he wanted for Niles. Cute. He was cute.

[melyaliz]

Remember me pt. 7

Master List

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki x OC

Notes: I have been having a ton of My Hero Academia ideas which is so annoying because... I just don’t have time to write them. But I may try to do a few shorts? Idk no promises.  

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive​

Connect with me! AO3 / Instagram / Pinterest

DONATE or REQUEST

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- Olive - -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

“I need an insult for this character to call the other character,” Olive said looking up from her position on the floor where she was typing away editing the Alien romance she was working on. Eliott was playing some sports video game.

“A cum milkshake,” he said without missing a beat

“What?” Olive let out a slightly shocked laugh.

“You heard me.”

Olive fake gagged rolling her eyes as Eliott burst out laughing “See? It’s perfect, I don’t know any context but I’m sure it’ll fit into any story.”

“You nasty” Olive chuckled going back to her story. “I’ll keep my story questions to only guns, Metal bands, and sports.”

They both lapsed into silence again Olive moving from the floor to the couch continuing to mold her story. The bones were already there; she just needed to add the meat. Like creative insults. Eliott got up moving to their kitchen. A few moments later he reappeared with a glass of something.

“Oh speaking of Cum milkshakes.” Eliott shickered holding out the glass, “Try this.” he held out his beer stein which had what looked like a foamy orange juice.

“Oh fuck what is that?” Olive said, taking a sip without question. Regardless of his off-color jokes she always trusted Eliott with his food and drink concoctions.

“It’s a beer-mosa with that white that Joe gave us.”

“It’s amazing when did you think this up?”

“Right now.”

Reaching down Eliott tried to take the drink from Olive only to have her slowly pull away from him looking up as she took both hands to grip the cup frowning at him.

“Did you want me to make you your own?” he asked chuckling  

“Oh, this one isn’t mine?”

“No, I’ll make you one.”

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Bakugou has said he would be coming home late that night. Thus Olive had hunkered down with Dolemite to read her stories. Turns out she actually owned hard copies of the books on a shelf next to her desk.  So after finding a blanket she had made herself a nest to dive into her works.

Dragon’s Dick turned out to be officially named “On Dragon’s Wings” about the ups and downs of dating a dragon shifter. Two hours later she was live texting Lilly bits of the story laughing at her work and getting so exciting trying to guess the ending. Lilly was getting a kick out of it texting her back with crazy theories even though she knew just how things turned out.

Olive was in it deep which was why she felt like she was waking from a dream when the door opened to her apartment. Dolemite letting out a soft meow before walking up to greet the blonde.

Her husband.

She could hear him curse at the cut along with a string of low words she assumed were in Japanese. It made her chuckle as she was sure the clingy cat almost tipped him on his way in. The fluffy cat had a way of getting right under your feet when you didn’t pay attention to him.

A  moment later Katsuki came into the living room his dark red eyes searching for her slightly desperately only to relax when his gaze fell on her curled up in her fluffy blanket. She smiled up at him, eyebright body much more relaxed than they had been.

“Welcome home.”

“How’s it going?” he grunted nodding toward the book in her hand,

“I’m actually good! And like… it’s like reading all my ideas but finished!”

“Well that’s because they are,” he said sitting down next to her.

“I see so many things etched in these too… and some things I think are… maybe you?”

“Huh?” that took him by surprise.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, flipping through a few pages trying to find the part. “It’s just so specific and I know it’s not something that.. Uhhh”

“Eliott would do.”

“Yeah”

“What is it?”

“I’m trying to… oh here it is.”

Brock leaned forward to light the fireworks “You light up my world” Cami said giggling at her own stupid joke.

“God you're stupid.” he chuckled his golden eyes flickering toward her as he, without looking lit up the firework. It sparked and flew up into the sky exploding into a million colors raining down on them. He was showing off now. Cocky smile on his face. “

Bakugou frowned, he had honestly never read her books. She had never asked him too so he just never had. But he now had a strong desire to pour over each text to see just what she thought of him. “You then tried to light one and almost set yourself on fire.”

“That’s in here too.” she laughed her thumbs going over the pages. “When did we start dating? This book says it was published about 3 and a half years ago.”

“Almost 4 years ago, we have been married for almost 2.”

“So we would have been together during at least some of this. That would make sense. Since there is a bit of a shift in tone from the first few chapters and the last ones. In fact this book in general is a bit different from my other ones that I do remember.”

“Oh?” Now he was really curious.  

“Before my stuff was more… funny. Offbeat and silly. And this one is a lot like that, maybe a bit darker humor and then it kind of shifts to…” she paused holding the book in her hands, “almost tender.”

“Tender?” something about that made his heart heavy. Tender. He wasn’t sure he would call their relationship tender. Fiery sure. Passionate yes. But Tender?

Bakugou wasn’t a tender guy.  

But thinking back to those first few months. Late nights texting. Video chatting. Her just smiling at him while he spent an hour explaining moves he was working on. Venting about work or just life. That one time she made him watch Miami Connection with her when she came to Japan and her laughing so hard she was in tears while he screamed at her asking why she would put him through something like that.

He didn’t think of those moments as tender but she did.

All those times he could catch her just smiling at him. Just sitting there watching him do whatever it was he was doing with this look that he couldn’t describe. At first, he used to get mad, thinking she was laughing at him feeling insecure about her gaze. But whenever he confronted her about it she would just shrug and go “I just like you.”

Then one day it was just normal. To see her catch his eye and just give him that soft smile. Like he was the greatest thing that had ever lived.

Looking back at it now was like seeing it in a different shade of color. Something about that seemed so strange to him. As if he was looking at this from an outsider. Looking in on someone else’s relationship.

“Hey Katsuki” her voice was soft and he was taken out of his musings. He turned studying her feeling that deep sadness that came from knowing that you may have lost something forever. All that history they had built together. A fear that maybe she wouldn’t like him anymore. She would want what she used to have so much more. That those looks she used to give him were gone forever. “I want to go to therapy.”

“What?” of all the things he thought she would say he wasn’t expecting that. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Didn't want to. As if he so much as made a sudden movement this moment would disappear too.

“Is there some way I could do that? Maybe I could find a way to jog my memories. I just… I hate this.” she studied his face, both of them trying to read the other trying to find what they had lost. “I want to remember you.”

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The next few weeks were weird ones. Bakugou would take a random day off here and there and even come home early or leave late. Just to make sure she felt comfortable in her environment. Help her find some sort of routine so she could do things without him needing to help her. While she always told him she could figure it out it was partly for him. He just wanted to make sure she was safe.

She started going to a therapist about twice a week and some things seemed to be coming back.

Mostly her Japanese.

Which made sense since she had been studying it for around a year before Eliott’s death. So Bakugou wasn’t sure if that was coming back because he was starting to talk to her in Japanese to help her or if it really was her memory.

There were other small things. Maybe muscle memory. When they would sleep he would feel her reach out for him, her fingers brush his side as if confirming he was there. He wasn’t sure if it was him or Eliott that she was reaching for but he didn’t care. Taking her fingers in his own he would hold onto her and pretend it was her body remembering him. Even if her mind didn’t

“Baku Baku?”

Bakugou froze at the nickname. He hadn’t heard that one in a long time. It was as if an icy hand had clinched his heart squeezing it hard. “What?” he asked.

“This video,” she said holding up. “Lilly sent it last night”

Olive was on Lilly’s floor laughing and talking in a mix of English and Japanese. He remembered that night. They had flown to the US to see some friends and family. While there Lilly, Clare, their husbands, and a few other friends had all gone out drinking. Olive had ended up taking shots with Clare and the two girls had gotten very drunk. Bakugou had basically half dragged, half carried her back to Lilly’s place

“That’s my fiance Baku Baku, he’s so cute.” Olive was saying as pointed at someone off screen.

“Good luck with that she’s done.” Lilly’s voice laughed from behind the camera.

“Are you filming me!?!” Olive asked, pouting her glassy eyes glaring at the camera.

“Yeah Nickie wanted to make sure you made it home”

“Nickie I’m going to cuddle the shit out of my Baku Baku. and then I’m going to...”

“Ok we are done,” Bakugou said coming into frame, bending down picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder. She giggled looking at the camera mouthing ‘wow so strong’. Then leaning forward she started not so quietly whispering to him

“I’m going to suck your--”

“Bedtime!” Bakugou said, shoving his hand over her mouth making her laugh.

That had been over almost 3 years ago but it felt like yesterday and a lifetime ago.

“Damn your arms are huge,” Olive said, zooming in on the image of Bakugou’s arm holding her. His bicep looking particularly large from the angel he was flexing.

“Hard work,” he smirked, enjoying the praise.

“I can’t believe you picked me up.”

“I can still pick you up,” he stated.

She giggled, shaking her head, “I believe you... Baku Baku.”

“God idiot.” as much as he hated that nickname he couldn’t help but admit it sounded amazing at the moment. Was he really that desperate for some sort of normalcy?

“Oh and this one too!” she giggled pulling up another video. Olive was standing slightly flushed, her arm slung over Momo’s. They were in a bar, colorful lights pulsing with the music blasting above. Mina’s voice came from behind the camera, clearly filming the two other girls.

“What happened?”

“This guy tried to grab Momo’s tits so I told him to take his little dick energy somewhere else and leave my wife alone.”

“Oh are you guys married now?” there was a giggle at the end of Mina’s voice, clearly finding the exchange hilarious. Momo had long ago gotten used to Olive’s very physical way of loving her friends and shrugged under her best friend’s arm.

“Yep, sorry Baku Baku.” Olive said, grinning pulling Momo closer to her playfully.

“Momo?” Olive said pointing to the girl,

“She’s one of my classmates from high school. She’s a pro, number 5 actually. You, her and the girl talking are all really good friends. There is also June that girl there.”

“Oh, where were you there that night?”

“No that was a girl’s night.”

She nodded looking at the video, “Can we go hang out with them? Would that be weird?”

Bakugou didn’t want to tell her that they had all been asking about her for weeks but he… he kind of wanted to keep her all to himself. Like if he held her close enough maybe he could pretend they were fine. And showing his old classmates what had happened was something that may have happened on his watch.

“I don’t know…” he said slowly.

They hadn’t found much on the mysterious America. He seemed to have disappeared into the wind. While Olive didn’t really go anywhere alone and Bakugou hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary to suspect he was coming back he still felt overly protective.

Maybe the America thing had just been some weird fluke.

But he had this feeling it wasn’t. Deep down it just didn’t feel right.

And no one from her past life had a querk like that.

He looked over at her. She was looking up at him clutching her phone with wide eyes. She looked so cute like that. “Please? I’m in the best city in the world and I feel like all I do is stay in here and read my own stuff.”

“I’m here” he hadn’t meant it to come out as hurt as it did but. It had.

“And you’ll be there too?” it was posed like a question, he wasn’t sure if that was a language mix up, she kept seeming to do that. Some sort of old bad habit. Maybe it had something to do with living in California. They all talked like they were asking questions.

“I can see if some of the old gang is available. But I doubt Momo will be. She is busy.”

“Mina and Kirishima too?” she asked breaking into a smile. He knew she was really only asking for them because they were the only other names she had seen. Mina had reached out even after Bakugou had told her not too. The two girls had gone back and forth a little bit. Mina’s English was ok and Olive’s Japanese getting better.

“I’ll ask. But don’t get your hopes up.”

“OK!” she giggled excitedly and he felt a sense of dread about it. Anxiety building up slightly at the idea.

“I said don’t get excited.”

“Too late Baku Baku!” she jumped up almost tripping over the blanket still wrapped around her. Instinctively he reached for her but pulled away when he saw her right herself.

“Don’t call me that!” it came out harsher than he meant it too. Force of habit. But glancing over at Olive she was already back on her phone looking through old photos of a girl’s life she had lived but didn’t know anything about. Her feet leading her toward the bedroom. Probably already planning her outfit.

He was going to regret this wasn’t he  

Slowly she stopped in the hallway that split the living room from the other rooms in the apartment. Turning to him she looked at him confused.

“Are you coming to bed?”

His heart lurched at the image. Her all wrapped up in her blanket waiting for him. So familiar it made him want to lunge forward pulling her to him. Press her back to the wall while pushing his body against hers. To wrap himself up around her while she looked up at him with that little playful smile.

Instead, he just stood shoving his hands into his pockets as if that would hold him back. “Whatever, needy,” he mumbled, passing her as he walked toward the bedroom. She giggled watching him before bouncing after him. Like always ignoring his jabs as if she found them endearing.

Guess some things don’t change even if everything else does.

-GET TAGGED-

Master List

Story Tag: @0hmydeku @inumorph @it-jinxed-us @myraticm

[nyrator]

wondering what to make next still

5AM and just felt the need to vent again I guess

Just a very depressed day for no real reason, still brought down by how stagnant things are I suppose- My creativity, my situation, lots of things

Drew Lain fanart, got a nice group of people following me on twitter thanks to it. It’s silly to worry about things like follower count, but it’s sort of addictive at the same time- I feel like I know the ways to do it, if I wanted, but I guess I just don’t really want to just chase followers with fanart- Feels like Tsukumizu fanart’s the way to go after Lain if I did more fanart, but mann, even if I did, still wouldn’t know what to draw.

I admire artists, like that one Diva artist that draws nun arts, or that one Avogado artist, people who draw constantly, consistent themes, but also a form of ongoing narrative, or something. Not only drawing so often, but each piece being its own. Diva especially, the way there’s so much packed in every scene, with an ongoing narrative in each piece, it’s admirable.

I really want to draw- but I lack that story element. That writing ability. I used to have it, where I could brainstorm and write pages and pages of notes. But I’ve lost it, somehow, for years. Last time I remember doing it was when brainstorming the prewrite for Rotten Nyan and coming up with like seven or so chapters (and still haven’t finished one). I don’t know if I just gave up on my writing, or if I just don’t care, or what. Maybe it’s simply depression/anxiety issues that medication could fix.

I think I’m just going stir crazy- friends occasionally get me out of the house, at least, which is nice of them. But haven’t cleaned in forever, and the apartment’s becoming more and more of a mess I can’t find the energy to do anything about. Every day feels wasted and underutilized, and I still worry about things like blood clots or other health issues or something from how inactive I am. Feel bad for neglecting cats still, though finally got them new food to try to try to help them be healthier. Wish I wasn’t so allergic that I could let them into my room easier.

It’s really hard just sitting here, day after day, doing nothing and having no energy to do anything, and wondering how much of my life I’m going to waste doing this.

Still need to work on my social anxiety, too- lots of that from talking to people again. And I’m still worn out by the internet in general, spending too much time on it probably. Mainly twitter, I suppose, which is my own fault, but I’m too addicted to absorbing information. Sort of inspired me to write something new, but like I said earlier- I can’t write at all. Made two character designs and the broad strokes, but can’t lay out anything at all. Not even a single scene to draw. It’s a weird, self-serving story, that I’d probably make anonymously just to avoid feeling guilty about it. Basic premise is a depressed girl caught up in her simple problem(s?) while observing other characters and their more complex, hard to understand problems. The other main character is a boy with a strong sense of certain social issues to the point of fault, and the girl trying to make heads or tails of what’s right and what’s wrong. Maybe I should just make them two separate stories, though, since they don’t really mix well together, I think. If I even manage to make it at all.

Been trying to play Picross or read manga to escape, but as soon as its over, it hits hard. Today I decided to read that Fire Punch manga I hear a lot about, since a friend introduced me to that Chainsaw Man when I did that one group of six requests a while back, now that CSM is ending next week. Pretty good, bit all over the place, can appreciate how silly ridiculous it could be, though admittedly also felt lackluster to me in places like the ending, though I wouldn’t say the ending saga was bad either. Definitely an interesting manga, to say the least. Disliked the movie girl at first but she became pretty entertaining for the most part, then lost interest in them towards the end of their arc. I think I just wanted to see more of some of the characters they introduced in that part and felt a bit let down because tree things.

I think reading manga’s really the only hobby I consistently enjoy, it just requires finding a good one. Decided that I was going to buy myself a physical version of all the manga I’ve read that I enjoyed/don’t own, but then realized almost none of them have been localized, and the ones that have are the lower priority ones.

Also started playing FF9 again finally, just got to the Black Mage village. I’m also definitely not very good at video games. I’d like to want to play one again, but they’re very hard to get into, especially on my own- I usually just go with whatever other people want to play.

In a few days, it’ll be you&me’s 10 year conceptualization anniversary. Still no progress, and still can’t even feel the desire to draw or sprite something for it. A friend ignited a spark in me to work on it again, but it immediately blew out the next day. I think it’s an impossible dream- I’ve learned RPG Maker 2003 inside and out, and if I could make maps, I’d probably be set. But the fandom’s grown away from me, and it feels almost pointless to make at this point. Been way too worn out from hanging around people who criticize those kinds of games, I guess, myself included.

On a random note, laying down is weird for me, I’ve probably mentioned it before. I feel like I’ve been hallucinating a lot- like half dream, half thinking it’s real and blending with reality. Keep thinking my mother’s still alive, that the death thing was a misunderstanding. Or that my uncle wants me to live with him. I can’t even remember if that really happened or not. The house I dreamt wasn’t his, though. And yet, I’m not asleep when these things happen, I’m lying in bed thinking and aware of my surroundings, and of the fantasy at the same time, thinking of them like memories, or concurrently. My brain is weird. Not only that, but how easily I forget to do things- I’ve set up a reminder on my phone just to remind me to message someone every day, because I just can’t remember to after waking up.

I guess I just don’t want to sleep and be trapped in my thoughts again. But it’s 5:30 now, and I should sleep. I’m scared by how trapped I feel. Still need to find a way to see a therapist about it, but I’m not very proactive about that either.

Got my mother’s death certificates finally after three months. Now I need to contact the bank and stuff somehow. It’s intimidating. Apparently her cause of death was “aspiration pneumonitis possibly due to cerebellar atrophy”, believed to be over the course of months. I wonder what that entails, exactly, and if it could have been avoided in the nursing home she was put in. No sense thinking about that, I suppose, I just know my aunt’s interested in a lawsuit if we’re able, so we’ll see how things go.

People are kind, I get kind messages from people who read these. Even those that don’t message are still kind. Hopefully no one feels obligated to read these, but it is appreciated to be cared about. Thanks, everyone.

[madamelokiofasgard]

A few weeks ago, I spoke up on Facebook (I know, Devil site I should have abandoned but an old best friend and her mom and sis wanted to see me around so I went back to catch up with them).

I spoke up about mask usage and noted that of my family wasn’t going to use them (making a note) then I wouldn’t bring my family around. As I have to take that precaution for me and my son and husband. I also spoke up about how I felt that it was silly to argue the quarantine and mask usage and saying it wouldn’t work when they are literally okay with the other usages of masks have been in long before this and for the same reasons.

I admit, I was a bit upset in my post. But I didn’t attack anyone directly. Just vented my frustration with how so many people were seeing it. But I suppose my mother couldn’t look past me using cuss words.

I’m 35 years old, and she came into my feed and asked me why I am so angry and holding hate in my heart for people that disagree with me, saying that I could have said it without curse words. She was treating me like a 10yr old.

I told her I’d didn’t want to fight either and that I loved her. But also that our beliefs were going to remain different and that was that. I was going to do what I get best for my family.

I haven’t spoken to her since then. In those few weeks, I only posted a single BLM gif. I tried not to post political things on my feed, only because I didn’t want her overly racist/islamaphobic/homophobic/transphobic/sexist/magat/conspiracy theory believing/rush limbaugh loving brother to come in to my posts trying to bait me into an argument. Because he does that. Even for innocuous things like having allergies and dealing with an ear infection. Coming into my posts with random right wing buzzwords to “trigger” his “lib” family member because that’s fun for him. Because he’s manipulative and condescending.

So, of course, he had to come and make an “all lives matter” rebuke. And in the same breath insult another group of people and call them terrorists saying their lives didn’t matter. I have been avoiding speaking to him at all. Simply ignoring him, because I know he’s just looking for a fight. So I calmly responded that no, all

Lives don’t matter unless we start treating them that way. And that was my final word on the matter with him. So he commented again. Condescending to me again thanking me for my final word then saying “I love you”. Something he does when he wants to patronize me and not take responsibility. As though he finds it all a joke when I’m being serious.

But I’d been having a good day. And his daughter (the old child of his who didn’t stop talking to him) liked my BLM post. Like a silent fist bump. So I finally did what I’ve been wanting to do for 20+ years. I blocked him.

I had not done so because, before fbook, I rarely saw him anyway. Once a year. Maybe. So I didn’t have to be present for his bullshit. So it was easy to just avoid him. But going back to fbook I remember why I left. His constant stream of hate and bigotry posts and shares. I never once went into his posts to argue with him. But he always argued in mine. My mom asked me why I was so angry and hateful, when her brother posts the things he does. It’s sad.

So it’s been refreshing not seeing her brother post in my feed. And I’ve been more vocal, especially during all of this. Now that I don’t have to see his posts every day and be careful lest he try to bait me. I was done being quiet. I found my voice again. It felt good.

But I haven’t heard from mom.

Not that it’s not unusual. We don’t talk a whole lot. Sometimes we’d go several months without speaking. But I knew something might happen if I blocked her brother. If she knows or found out or assumed. And I thought it would bring a fight. But I haven’t heard from her. Or seen her much. And she hasn’t commented on any of my posts.

But today is her bday. I was dreading it. Not wanting to fight. We’re on opposite sides, but I still want to attempt a relationship with her. My dad and I are on opposite sides too, but he doesn’t treat me like a kid. We hashed things out 15 yrs ago and so he listens to me and respects my opinion even if we don’t agree. He doesn’t argue. Our relationship is better than it was when I was growing up. But the relationship with my mom has been going the opposite direction.

I called her. And it went straight to voicemail. So I left a message there and on her fbook wall. Wishing her a happy bday. But, I suppose, if I get no response from her today...then. I guess things are really over. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I’ve never had it go straight to voicemail with her. Or she usually called me back because she was grooming a dog or something. (her business). But...? Not sure where things are right now. And that’s a sad and scary feeling. I’m 35. She continues to treat me like a 10yr old. And perhaps I’m starting to realize maybe she always did, and maybe I was blind to a lot growing up.

I don’t know if it’s broken. I hope not. I want to try. Even as frustrated as I am with her stance on things. But she’s either gotten worse, or I just didn’t see how bad it was.

Not feeling good.

Sorry for the ramble or lack of read more but the app on here has changed so much, I’m not sure how to make it a read more. Anyway...

Time to find a way to fill my time while I wait to see if I’ve lost a parent....

[smolhobireacts]

House of Cards || Jimin

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Word Count: 1551

Warnings: Break up. A lot of angst.

A/N: This is my first imagine/oneshot/thing. Inspired by the legendary song, House of Cards. At first I thought it was a sex song, ngl.. but I discovered it’s more than that. So I decided to write it based off my second interpretation which I see a lot of people agree with. Feel free to give feedback. I actually wrote this at 2am in the morning so I do apologise for mistakes, I tried my best though! Enjoy~!

Synopsis: You and Jimin were in love, until your secret and his own was revealed, and a paradise you both had built comes crashing down.

For a very long time, the two of you were in love. 3 years ago you met Jimin through your best friend whom you grew up with; Hoseok. At first you two were simply friends, but it quickly changed into relying on each other, calling one another at 3am over a silly but at the time serious issue until Jimin finally had the courage to ask you on a date. Well the date never actually happened until a few months later into your relationship with him as he was busy, he had so many interviews, performances, practice, even studying to do that he didn’t have time for the special date he had planned.

Despite only being on just a few dates, you two were in love. You both were in that early stage where you literally could not get enough of each other for a very long time, 2 years to be exact. You rarely fought, if you did it wasn’t minor, it was big. Jimin had a switch, and it wasn’t pretty when he let out his anger. But those moments wouldn’t last long, they’d pass after a good night sleep, or simply talking and explaining. 

Jimin had told you 4 months into the relationship he wants both of you to be honest, which you were. You told him when you were sad, he told you when he just didn’t want to talk because of something that happened that day. He told you when he was feeling ill despite not wanting to worry you. But with this type of honesty comes the horrible, gut wrenching truth that makes you question whether hearing the truth is better than a lie. 

When you told him you made out with Jungkook 2 and half years into your beautiful relationship, even you wanted to just block your ears and pretend you weren’t hearing it. Saying it out loud was like setting the truth in concrete, no other way out. “You’re joking right?” He said with a fake chuckle, a clearly worried expression. As soon as he saw the cheeks run down your cheeks a giant wave of emotions hit him; anger, sadness, confusion, but most of all, betrayed. He felt betrayed by the person he trusted even more than the members. 

He didn’t know what to feel. He was mad but crying at the same time, smashing a glass bottle in his room to vent frustration that didn’t relieve him even in the tiniest bit. Somehow, in just one moment, the heaven he thought he was in with you, came crashing down, into the realisation that it isn’t a paradise, it’s simply reality. A reality he wanted dead. Nothing else was said that night. You stood there silently sobbing while he just clenched his fist and start hitting the desk while a flood of tears ran across his cheeks, over his lips, falling off his chin.  The next morning is when everything was decided.

He had slept on the chair while you slept in the bed, you were surprised to say the least when he offered the bed to you after what you told him. Jimin came to the conclusion that it was ‘Just a kiss’, he convinced himself he didn’t care. You reassured him it meant nothing, so he took that as truth. He believed you, and went on. “You’re forgiving me?” He looked up at you just as he stood from his chair and nodded, with a sorrowful look on his face. “Yes. You said it meant nothing… that it only for a few seconds. I believe you.” He didn’t make any eye contact for the entire day, not with you or Jungkook. You felt scared, nervous as you watched him throughout the day, interacting with people like his usual self, not beating Jungkook to a pulp as punishment, not leaving you or giving any hint to do so in the future. He was Jimin, sweet, shy, cute, happy, bubbly optimistic Jimin. 

Over the next 2 months it was never mentioned again. Jungkook didn’t even know you had told Jimin. It was never spoken about between anyone. You both went on as if it never happened, you mended. Of course you only thought everything was okay, until he revealed his cheating secret as well. That he slept with a random girl he met, or to be exact, he did some foreplay with her then left. “I wanted to.. I wanted to go through with it. But I couldn’t.” He admitted to you. You expected him to not feel guilty, but you could tell it was destroying him. But you had no idea how to react, get angry? Cry? Walk away? Break up? Forgive him like he did you? You felt the same emotions he felt, and it made you feel even more guilty over what you did, knowing you made him feel this way. “I promise, I’ll never do anything like it again. I’ll be loyal to you, I’ll stay with you. Please.” He begged, he pleaded without you even saying anything. He knew he could lose  you over this, and tried everything in his power to keep you. But it was simple for you. You loved him. “I forgive you. We both made a mistake.. We’re even I guess.” He was shocked at how quick it was for you, but most of all at the ‘even’ part of your sentence. 

You didn’t stay the night with him, you went home and contemplated your life with him, whether there is any trust in the relationship. After concluding that you still trusted him despite the fact that he sought out revenge, and got it in the end, you went to sleep. To start another day that was normal. It never happened is how you acted. Until a week later, something boiled inside of not only you, but him. Resentment. The way you spoke to each other always had a passive aggressive undertone that neither of you acknowledged. 

You would have arguments often before bed, then you would make up before sleep, starting the same cycle over and over again. The members questioned you both, to which you both honestly answered. Jungkook felt more awkward than anyone, the others berated him, telling him off for doing something so wrong and stupid. “Don’t worry, everything is okay.” Jimin reassured not only the maknae, but all of the members. But it was as clear as a crystal that it wasn’t okay. 

The members would gather in the living room while you both argued in Jimin’s room. “They’re yelling at each other again.” Taehyung would say through a depressing tone. It hurt him to see his best friend and his girlfriend fighting. But they all refused to take sides, even Jungkook stayed out of it the most. It was a vicious cycle that wasn’t just affecting you and Jimin, it was affecting the members, the staff, even fans noticed something was wrong with Jimin, he was snappy, irritable and just not his usual self. 

You both could see it was hurting others, but every time you argued the topic of breaking up always slipped into the conversation. It never happened though, it was always solved with ‘I love you’. Until one night, you decided it was too much. 

“Jimin, what we’re doing… it’s hurting every one. You know, I was okay at first.. It hurt me, a lot, but it was okay because I loved you more than the amount it hurt. And it was just me, I chose to stay, to shoulder that pain. But they aren’t. They aren’t even in this relationship yet they are so hurt by it.” You told him as kindly as you could, sitting on the chair in the far corner of his room, just a few feet away from the door. “I know… I’ve been thinking about it too. How maybe, it would hurt us less if we just broke up now. Have those months of pain but we’d move on eventually. No one else would be hurt too.” It was the first time you both spoke without yelling, without an aggressive tone or demeanour, it was how you use to talk before everything fell apart.

“So if we both are on the same page. We should just end it.” You finally looked up from the floor, and saw the tears pooling in his eyes. Usually you’d hug him at this point, but it’ll start the cycle again. You couldn’t, even you were tearing up, praying he wouldn’t hug you but that he also would. So you stayed in your chair. “We aren’t happy.” He bluntly stated. It hurt you more than you care to admit, every time he spoke with such honesty, it tore you apart. You knew the truth, but when it’s spoken, it becomes real. 

“We’re done.” He said. And that was it. The smallest of words said in a short amount of time, broke the house you both built quickly. You picked up your jacket, put it on and left without a kiss, without a hug, without him making eye contact. You left. You’d never see him again unless it was on T.V, social media accidentally, or the times you felt lonely and stalked their twitter. You didn’t see any of them ever again. It was all over.

[lmaonahhh]

A self reflection I guess? I feel like I haven’t been the greatest friend to any of my friends lately. Talking to Ophelia and Kat ive kinda realized that. I’ve kind of pushed everyone aside for the moment because I’ve been more focused on Harry & I. I could have definitely kept talking to them as we went through our lows. I just chose to keep to Harry because he’s most important and I need to put my focus on him and our relationship. I messaged them and all yeah but not as much as I used to/would like to. Things I need to improve with my friends for the new year :

I’ve been on and off with Ophelia and there’s times where she needs me but I’m already so stung out and I feel bad. She turns this switch on me almost all the time now and listen I love her so so so much. She’s my absolute best friend. We’ve bled together and healed together, we’re soul sisters. Just right now I feel like I need my friend Ophelia more at the moment and not her switching which is okay. I want to work on my communication with her. I miss her.

There’s Maxx! I miss him! Our conversations are always kind of on and off. Our energies always match like when I’m feeling down HES down too and we vent or when I’m like HI MAXX I MISS YOU! He’s like HI AIDEN I MISS YOU TOO! And we can talk for hours even about cats! I want to talk to him more Aw.

After the big conflict Awsten & Mason had with Awsten reaching out to me to tell me something was wrong with Mason, I’ve reconnected with Mason. It wasn’t the easiest and I felt I messed up a lot with posting that friend post after I said we need a break and it resulted in both Mason & Harry being upset with me. We’ve reconciled. Things are definitely different. I’m very okay and happy and I don’t see us fighting how we used to. I’m very confident you know? Things to work on? I don’t know, I feel pretty confident but I still carry guilt that I was away when he was hurting with the world coming down on him. I felt the same tho but...it’s hard? I don’t know but I guess I’ll work on the guilt part.

There’s Kat. She’s the sweetest and the loveliest. I adore her so much. She’s helped me with two mental breakdowns where I was just crying and thought I was going to literally die and not for reasons you’d think. Like when everything feels wrong and you just don’t want to exist anymore. Take me out of the timeline for a moment and let things move on and heal while I go do something else. Mm getting back, I feel bad that our talks used to be like real friendly and girl stuff! Now it’s me just venting and advice and I feel like that friend that’s just always coming to you with drama and then you’re like “okay I’ve had enough.” She says it doesn’t bother her but it bothers me. That’s not me at all. I’m happy and silly and talk so much about the most random of things. Mm thing I’d like to fix is i want to spend more time with her, happy time. She’s an incredible friend.

There’s Pete & JJ, and Cori my among us family. I talk to each of them separately and I love it! Pete is papa figure and he’s so sweet. JJ has been there for me when I’ve been down too and he talks to me about Pete and I love it! I just love talking about our significant others to each other and we get ideas and one thing he taught me is about the gift of experiences. Something I want to try more with Harry. And Cori, ah she’s going to have a baby soon and I’ve helped her pick her color for her nursery. I’m excited for her. Thing to fix with them? I want to stay in touch more.

There’s Harry. I always keep in my mind how he felt sad that I call other people my best friend. I just, I’ve known them for a bit you know but I can see from his point as my significant other and partner in life. You’re supposed to be each other’s best friends. It doesn’t bother me if he calls so and so his best friend but I’m going to take in consideration his feelings and how it bothers him and I want to change that. Things I need to change? I think we just need to communicate more and I say this feelings wise. I’m open with Harry however I know there’s things I still struggle to open to him with because I’m afraid he’ll feel hurt because I feel a certain way. Harry, I think he’s having a hard time opening up to me about how he feels about anything. I say this from Christmas with how everything blew up and he told me everything he’s kinda been feeling for a bit and I had no idea! It was all just like...I got hit by a car? He says things that sound so passive aggressive toward me but he says he doesn’t think so? Maybe I just need to analyze what he’s saying a bit more first and if he comes off that way I should just ask him on the spot if he’s mad at me instead of holding it in and later blowing up. I think I’ll need his help with this too by him opening up to me and just firmly trusting in me that I’ll be his support. Any day of the week I want to help him, I want to hear what makes him happy, I want to hear about a driver that made him mad and ruined his day, I want to hear anything that I’ve done or said that might be bothering him and I want to fix it. Things I need to work on? Trying to understand Harry a bit better and share my feelings with trust that Harry feels the same as I do with him and that’s just sticking by each other’s sides. Communicating more. He’s is my best friend and I’m going to work on this.

I want to better myself. I want to feel more confident. I’m my own friend as well and my own personal self is truly important too. I want to try and not pity myself anymore. Try and look to happy alternatives. I want to hang out with my friends more. I want to understand people more. I want to have a strong back bone but keep my original self that’s so sweet and caring. Or honestly I think I am sweet and caring? Haha. Mm my friends are all important to me and I’m important myself and I want to work on fixing all of us, small steps at a time.

[golddaggers]

chemistry // part three

pairings: teacher!dylan o'brien x student!reader.

warnings: cursing.

a/n: took me long enough, but it’s out! I really hope you’re enjoying this series as much as I’m enjoying writing it.

word count: 3,6k+

part one - part two

Keeping a secret was never really a big deal to me until I was forced to hold a big, hot potato inside my mouth. Well, not really, it was a pretty crappy metaphor, but the thing was: not telling anyone I had recently made out with my hot chemistry teacher was driving me nuts. I wanted to scream at every popular cheerleader who had picked on me: suck it up, bitches, I scored your dream guy.

Oh, no, that’s lame. I honestly think somebody should charge me in for being a horrible teenager. Fuck, it was all so overwhelming! Plus, keeping it from Karen was suffocating me. We had known each other for over seven years now and in that entire time we told each other everything. Literally everything. From our first period to the excruciatingly graphic details of our virginity loss, which, may I tell you, was definitely not pretty. I needed to vent with her, on the other hand, I could also hear Mr. O'Brien’s words echoing in my mind; I couldn’t put his job on the line because some urge to gossip.

Huffing, I started drawing random figures on the corner of a paper I had over my desk. My English teacher, Mrs. Donaldson, who happened to be an adorable old lady and actually one of my favourite teachers, handed to my class a sheet filled with tips on how to write a good narrative essay. She wanted us to, at least, start a brief story as well; it would be our second exam in the semester. Therefore, everyone was busy trying to come up with ideas, while I, uh, was stuck. To say the minimum.

Normally, I’d be all over the place to do it, because I actually loved writing, but today I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. My head was too lost in thoughts about last night’s events to focus enough on the blue lines in front of me. Shit, never in my life I wanted to yell so much.

“Miss Smith?” The old woman whispered, her tiny hand touching my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Donaldson.” I shot her an embarrassed smile, biting my bottom lip afterwards. “Everything is fine, I guess, I’m just worried with some personal stuff. I’m going to start this soon, I promise.”

“You poor thing…” She shook her hand, squeezing my upper arm tenderly. “Do you want to wash your face, maybe? Or drink some water? You look a bit sick.”

“It isn’t necessary, I’m-”

“Sh, kid, just go. It’s only ten minutes for this class to be over.” Her eyes rolled as she waved her at me, dismissing my plea. Man, people really should stop interrupting me. It very, no, deeply, annoying. “Just make sure you hand me this done on the deadline, okay?”

Uh, considering I desperately wanted to go out for a little bit of fresh air, she didn’t need to push me so much to leave, so I agreed without thinking twice, slipping out of the classroom quickly and heading to the ladies restroom nearby. As soon as I got inside the quiet place, I understood why Mrs. Donaldson had said I looked sick: my skin was few times lighter, giving me a sour-milk-like appearance.

Inhaling deeply, I turned on the faucet, allowing the water to run through my fingers for a few seconds before actually washing my face with the cool liquid. Whilst doing so, I began to think about my latter actions and I still had no idea why this was bothering me so much. I mean, it was only one kiss. One good kiss. Hell, Dylan was a great kisser. Just amazing, those lips… Okay, focus. The point is: what would happen now? Just back on our regular student/teacher relationship or something else? Fuck, fuck, fuck! I had never felt more lost.

Switching the water off, I dried my hands and face with some towel tissues, firmly deciding I should talk to Mr. O'Brien soon. Things needed to cleared up for me, otherwise a spot at the local hospital’s psychiatric ward would be waiting for me.

“I just don’t get it, Brittany… Why doesn’t he notice me?” Briannah’s voice echoed on the corridor outside, which made me suddenly panic and hide within one of the small cubicles, going up on the toilet so that they wouldn’t see my feet. “I am attractive and successful. A real trophy.”

“Of course you are, Bri, Mr. O'Brien is stupid.” Her nonchalant tone almost made me throw up. These girls were unbelievable.”That’s the only explanation to why he hasn’t noticed you.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not. He’s smitten with that Smith weirdo. I caught him staring at her, like, a thousand times now.” My breath hitched on my throat, eyes growing wide to her last sentence. “Urgh, men are so strange.”

“Agreed.”

“But I never give up on a challenge, I’m still going to make him mine. Whatever it takes. Now come, we don’t want to be late for his class, do we?”

A few high pitched laughs could be heard fading away, a door slamming shut soon afterwards. I slided down to the floor, not sure to what to do with this information; not the part where Mr. O'Brien checked on me, after last night, I was sure I did catch his attention, or he wouldn’t have kissed me, but the ‘whatever it takes’? It’s so creepy and sounds so much like a soap opera thing. Jesus.

Nonetheless, although I wanted to, I couldn’t stay hidden in a restroom any longer. I had classes to attend. His in particular.

“Okay, Y/N, suck it up.” I murmured, getting back on my feet and unwrinkling my white shirt. “You need to be a woman about this, alright? Alright.”

I walked outside, chin up in the air, and went to the English classroom to pick up my stuff, pacing myself for the next forty-five minutes staring at Dylan’s cute tush, cute lips, cute everything. By this point, my hormones were laughing at my face, giving a rat’s ass about what was right. As if they were alive to care.

Oh yes, I’m definitely getting a spot at the psychiatric ward.

“So, can anyone tell me, based on the current graphic, if this reaction is endothermic or exothermic?” Dylan pointed out, his, now that I have come to notice, long, slim index finger pressing the board where a perfect graphic was drawn. “No need to be shy class.”

“Come on, Smith.” Karen whispered, pinching my thigh, erupting a low ‘outch’ to crawl out of my lips, which, in a matter of seconds, earned to myself the teacher’s attention. “Y/N here knows the answer.”

“Oh, she does?”

Chewing my bottom lip, I finally allowed myself to look at him, finding his eyes pierced on me, the irises of a liquid honey. A small smirk pulled the corners of his mouth up, so adorably cute, I couldn’t help but mirror his expression, nearly forgetting we were at a class crowded with people.

“So…?”

“It’s endothermic, Mr. O'Brien.”

“Can you say why?”

“Uh, looking at the graphic, you can see that the enthalpy grows as the reaction progresses, which means it’s absorbing energy while reacting. That classifies it as endothermic.”

“Perfect, that’s exactly it.” A delighted hum fell from his lips whilst he turned his back and wrote the classification above the draw. “As miss Smith correctly stated, an endothermic reaction absorbs energy, in most cases heat, from the environment. It’s not spontaneous, like an exothermic reaction, it has to be provoked…”

So he proceeded on his explanation, eyes sparkling with excitement. It was incredibly adorable, to me at least, the way he loved his profession so much. But I haven’t been the best judge lately. Not when he was involved, anyway. I guess our kiss worked like a catalyst that triggered the crush I had long forgotten back on. Tell me about an exothermic reaction.

Fine, no more chemistry puns. No one needs those, plus I’m the only who finds them amusing; wait, maybe if I told them to Dylan he would think it’s a funny trait of my personality. Or probably that he made the terrible mistake of being with a crazy girl.

My own thoughts made me chuckle while I copied the informations O'Brien had already put on the blackboard. He wasn’t exactly a writing person, but each topic the man considered important for our exam, and personal learning as well, was perfectly listed there. This organisation was perfect for later studies.

“Psht.” My best friend muttered, her shoulder lightly brushing mine. “What is up with you?”

“This is the fourth time today I tell you there’s nothing wrong. I also texted you three times saying I was good. Why do you keep insisting?”

“First things first, you never told how your ‘class’ went.” She said, rolling her eyes and glancing over her shoulder to see if no one was paying attention to our small conversation. “Second, Mr. McHottie-”

“Don’t call him that!”

“Mr. McHottie hasn’t taken his eyes off of you today. What is up with that?”

“Shut up!” I exclaimed, lowly, my eyes narrowed whilst I shook my head. The brown haired girl solely sighed, her green eyes seeming bored. “Look, I told you nothing happened. Plus, if people hear you talking that-”

“I don’t fucking care, Y/N!”

“Is there are problem, miss Smith and miss Williams?” Dylan queried, ceasing his extensive monologue due to mine and Karen’s angry whispers.

“No, Mr. O'Brien.” Karen denied, straightening herself back on her place. “We’re fine, aren’t we, Y/N?”

In an attempt of keeping myself together, so I wouldn’t fight with her in front of everyone for a silly reason, I took a deep breath and nodded. I knew Karen was upset with the way I was acting in the past two days; to be honest, I didn’t fully comprehended what the hell was going on with me, nonetheless, she needn’t to act like a child about it.

However, before I had even time to, I don’t know, write her a note or something, saying I would explain things later, the bell rang, announcing the end of the class. She gazed over her shoulder at the door one last time, her eyes soaked in upsetness.

Fuck.

I shoved my books back into my blue backpack with an angry huff, placing the right handle on my shoulder.

“Miss Smith? Could you wait a little bit? I want to speak with you.” Spinning on my heel to face him, my eyebrows knitted together, I shot him a confused glance, not knowing why he was asking me to “talk” when a couple of geek girls were still inside the room. “It’s about your grade.”

“Oh, oh, yeah. I totally meant to talk to you about it too.”

O'Brien placed his warm palm against my back, leading me, who was formerly standing next to the exit, towards his desk. Oh God. I knew it was innocent, believe me, I did, but I just couldn’t help the rough wave of electrical shocks that hit me when his hand tenderly pressed my upper back.

He, then, near his stuff, began fumbling through his papers, also leaning in to search on his drawers too; however, if I’m allowed to make a side note, I was damn sure I had the very exam he mentioned carefully stored home inside a file on the back of my school compartment, which means this was some lame excuse for us to talk in private. Smooth, Dylan, just smooth.

I put my hands on my waist, allowing a soft sigh to crawl out my lips, gazing back to find that Angela, a sweet brown eyed girl with glasses and a high ponytail, was closing her notebook and placing it within her greyish backpack. The other one, her friend, Marcia, was positioned by the exit, waiting to go.

“Okay, all set. Bye, Mr. O'Brien. Smith.” She mumbled awkwardly, trudging to the threshold where the blonde teenager awaited for her.

“Bye.” We both replied, waving goodbye.

The second the tall wooden door was slammed shut, Dylan ceased looking for my “wrong” test. Instead, he walked up to me, opening a space between me and his table. For a moment, I got lost on his whiskey coloured eyes, this time filled with doubt. I knew it must have been just as conflictuous to him as it was for me.

“We should-”

“Yes, but not in here.” He said, shaking his head. “It isn’t safe.”

“Then where?”

“Uh, I’d offer my place.” Under those words, I felt myself grow numb and my heart skipped a beat. “Yet, I don’t think it is suitable. Just… Just meet me at this bar later, at eight.”

“I can’t go out tonight, my mum wouldn’t let me.” O'Brien frowned, his forehead wrinkled in exasperation. “Oh what the hell, I’ll figure out some excuse. Just write the address and I’ll be there.”

“Are you okay with this?”

“Of course I am, we need to talk about what happened and if can’t be here, it has to be somewhere else. I don’t really care.”

“Okay, I’ll just write in here and, uh, I’ll be waiting for you there.”

“Fine.”

Convincing my mother to let me go out at night was the hardest thing I have done in my life, however, I managed to succeed at it, promising I would behave and not get into trouble. The rule she established was that I should be home before midnight; what wouldn’t exactly be a problem, because I didn’t think the talk was going to last long. He was probably going to say that it had been a mistake, that we shouldn’t do it again, then I’d be back home. Yes.

Nevertheless, the fact I was most likely getting rejected by O'Brien, despite knowing the undeniable spark we had between us, didn’t stop me from picking up the nicest dress I had in my closet. Well, it was nothing fancy, just a tight black dress with a considerable cleavage on the front that would get his eyes glued to the exposed area of my chest. A girl can try to be sexy, right?

A laugh fell from my mouth as I finished applying the last layer of red lipstick. Giving myself a small wink, I went downstairs, heading out where an Uber was already waiting for me. I quickly got inside, finding a sympathetic looking old man behind the steering wheel.

“Where are you going, miss?”

“It’s a small place downtown called ‘Rojo’ or something like that.”

“Oh.” His forehead wrinkled whilst he scratched his beard. “I know where it is. It’s a bar… Are you sure you’re not too young to be going there?”

“Uh, I think it’s none of your business.” Shaking my head, I fastened my seatbelt. “Now could you please drop me off there?”

“As you wish, young lady.”

The next twenty minutes were painfully slow and quiet; the driver was probably pissed at the way I responded him, not that I cared anyway. If there was something I hated, it was people invading my personal space. Like, he had no business on what I would do at that bar. Ok, I perhaps shouldn’t have come off so strong, the poor man was just being nice to me…

Oh bite me, as if I hadn’t enough to worry about already.

Trying to keep those thoughts away, I shook my head, inhaling a good deep breath and watching the trees pass by me in a blur. Once more, possibly the nth time today, my mind flew back to last night’s kiss. To be honest, I was still in awe, the silky touch of his lips pressed onto mine, his grip on my waist, his hands bringing us closer… Shit, that brown haired, mole speckled man was purely intoxicating. Like a very addictive drug flooding my blood, providing me with a overdose of serotonin.

And I should definitely dim down on the cheesy stuff, because, man, it feels weird. I was getting too excited. What the hell was going on with me?

“Girl, we’ve arrived your destination.” The Uber drive muttered, glancing over his shoulder. “That will cost $20.”

“Thank you.” I mumbled, handing him a twenty dollar bill and quickly walking out of his car, watching the poorly lit place I was currently about to enter whilst hearing the tires screeching as the driver sped out.

“Okay, now I totally see what his point was.”, I thought, gripping my small purse strongly and heading towards the small bar. At a first glance, you would think this was a haunted house due to the entrance aspects, however, once inside, the pub was actually pretty cosy. A light jazz music was playing in the background, small booths perfectly arranged… I could risk myself saying it was a tad romantic. Plus, it was the kind of place no one I knew would visit, which was probably the reason why Dylan chose it.

Speaking of the devil, he was here already, sitting carelessly at a table in the back. Hell, he was looking good. His chestnut brown hair was tousled, beard carefully trimmed, framing those pink lips of his in a way they shouldn’t, a thin grey shirt tight around his muscles… Fuck, I wanted nothing more than to jump onto him and scatter kisses on all of him. Savouring that minted flavour once more.

I clamped my bottom lip between my teeth, trying to contain the sudden rush of adrenaline that ran across my form. He didn’t have to know how his mere presence affected me so much. God he made me feel like a fifteen year old finding out about boys.

“I thought you weren’t coming.” O'Brien muttered, as soon as he acknowledged my presence. He, then, sipped at a white liquid from a glass that was on his table, eyes still gazing down to the cup. “I’m surprised you did.”

“We needed to talk.” I shrugged, taking a seat in front of him. “Plus I never back away from the things I say.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t expect less from you.” His honey irises eventually risen to face me, incredibly hardened this time. “You’re such a mature person, Y/N, I guess it was why I forgotten you are my student last night.”

“Mr.-”

“No formalities, please.” He rolled his eyes, excusing me with a wave. “We can excuse them for a moment, just let me talk, alright?”

“Fine, Dylan, go ahead.”

“First I want to apologise for what I did, I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”

“Excuse me? Are you honestly apologising for kissing me?” This time it was my turn to act annoyed, my hand unconsciously landing over his while I huffed. “I really, really, enjoyed it. Also, it isn’t like you have forced me into it anyway. I kissed you just as much as you kissed me.”

“Yes, but I am the adult. I should know better than letting my impulses get the best of me. I feel like I-I corrupted you or something.”

“Of course you didn’t, that’s silly. I’m seventeen, not five years old.” A small giggle fell from my mouth, my thumb still circling the back of his hand. “But, if you feel uncomfortable, then we can pretend it never happened.”

“This isn’t about being comfortable, it’s about doing what’s right. If we were in a different situation, I’d choose to be with you anytime.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Because it could get you in trouble. Both of us.”

“I don’t care. Not when doing what’s wrong feels so right to me.” Our gazes linked, so filled with emotions I felt overwhelmed for a second. His fingers intertwined with mine, causing my heart to beat irregularly; the electrical waves were back too. “Doesn’t it feel good? Please tell me I’m not wrong about this.”

“It feels amazing, Y/N.” Dylan traced a wet line on his bottom lip, squeezing out palms together. “Can I… Just one last time…?”

“Kiss me? Yes, you can. We don’t have think about the consequences now, do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

Without breaking the skin contact, I hushedly moved to sit beside him, crashing my lips onto his the second my butt was pressed against the cushioned booth. He didn’t hesitate either, hands going down to grasp my hips, digits massaging the region at leisure whilst the man hungrily searched for my mouth, tongue slipping in, fighting with mine. Man, he was a good kisser. I had shudders slapping my form whenever he locked my lower lip between his.

I laced my arms around his neck, pulling our bodies closer and deepening the fond action, wishing I could make this moment last forever. However, a minute or two later, the air ran dry, making us pull away, noses still brushing one another, eyes still connected, foreheads still glued. Everything fit perfectly, like it was meant to be, no matter what the external rules were.

“Oh fuck…” The whiskey coloured eye man whispered, breathlessly. “I fantasized about this a hundred times. I knew it was wrong but I wanted it anyway.”

“You said if we were in a different position, you’d choose me. So… Let’s pretend you’re not Mr. O'Brien and I’m not Miss Smith. We’re Dylan and Y/N, two people who happen to fancy each other. ” Leaning forward I, stole a peck from his perfectly shaped lips. A chuckle escaped afterwards. “What do you say?”

“Yes. I think I can do that. We just have to be Mr. O'Brien and Miss Smith at school.” Dylan dragged his mouth across my face, scattering feather light kisses on my cheek, erupting goosebumps all over my body. “Now what do you say we kiss one more time? For luck.”

“Uh-huh. Anything you want.”

While I surrendered to his gentle touch, I couldn’t help but think that he was everything I never realised I wanted before. And now that I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t let him slip away from my fingertips.

[scramblednoodle]

Day 2 - Anxiety

This is a vent post; you have been warned.

I’m turning off the filters because I’ve been holding a lot of this shit in.  And here is a comment born of anxiety:  NO ONE IS GOING TO FUCKING CARE ANYWAY.

Please don’t message me that you do care.  Please don’t.  I know you do.  LOGICALLY.  But logic and anxiety DO NOT MATCH, and if you don’t grok this, then you need to think long and hard about what that REALLY means to people with this fucking malady.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was hit by crushing anxiety because of an incidental interaction, that I can’t even remember the details of, just that it called into doubt NOT ONLY the individual interaction, but the cascading tree of causality of all branches of my own personal Yggdrasil.

I have anxiety, pure and simple.  I worry about everything.  I analyze and I double analyze and I triple analyze, and even when I set a course, I do so full of doubt.  I think that people who don’t have to deal with this sort of anxiety lack even the barest hint of understanding on how deeply this affects those who do.  This is not to say that they have not experienced or experience anxiety; those with the disorder just experience it at an exponentially enhanced factor.

This is Day 2 of my transition.  I felt great yesterday.  Almost euphoric.  And by the end of the day a little...weird.  I looked at the side effects of Spironolactone and Estradiol.  The former wasn’t of much worry, but one side effect of the latter burned itself into my eyeballs:  anxiety.  And like a hypochondriac, it may have been the very suggestion of this POSSIBLE mental shift that began the spiral.

I began to question.  Myself.  What I’m doing.  Who I am.  Lingering thoughts from work intruded.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I make a mistake?  Was my analysis of that DKIM question correct?  Was my reaction to a campaign vendor out of line?  Did I offend that random person in my last ticket update?  I could handle it, though.

And then someone in one of the various chats I’ve been in did something that I had been thinking about, and what’s more, they did some of the things I’ve already done.  And I think they did it better than I could, and they did it CASUALLY.  What took me tremendous amounts of mental effort seemed to be a casual thing for them, DESITE them claiming they were new to this.  What is wrong with my brain?  Why do these things become a herculean struggle for me, when others breeze through them?  Why can REVEILLE not be special?  Why am I so mediocre?  People must think I’m useless, worthless, a whiner.

What does anyone know me for, anyway?  The trumpet?  I suck at it.  I practiced my heart out at it, and still I was mediocre.  I couldn’t hack being in even a low-end, community symphony orchestra.  I can’t hit the high notes in the funk band I’m in the way the subs could.  The ESTABLISHED LEAD could not perform as well as the subs were sight-reading the parts.  What the fuck am I doing there?  I’m not a trumpet player, I’m a fucking hack.  And all of these synthesizer, this music shit.  I have such great ideas, and when I sit in front of these things, I stare.  Or I make something, and it feels mediocre.  It feels like I strayed from my original intent.

What else would anyone know me for?  Posting excessive amounts of pictures of VRChat on Twitter?  I can’t even get most of my fucking old friends to play the fucking game, so why would they fucking care about the “neat” things I do?  Neat things that other people have already posted about.  I’m retreading everyone else’s path.  I don’t know why I fucking bother.  Half the time in VRChat I’m horribly lonely anyway, and the great times that I KNOW happened are fully eclipsed by all the fucking times some asshole in that fucking rexie crowd stepped in front of me in a conversation as if I wasn’t fucking there. or the times in my protogen group that I said something that felt relevant, but turned out to be from an old fuckface that has nothing in common with these young, excited, optimistic kids.  that That’s ALL I REMEMBER.  I remember that I DIDN’T EXIST.

My art is awful.  I don’t practice enough, but how can you practice when everything you touch is shit?  I diddle, I dabble, and when I seek some sort of affirmation that someone appreciates my garbage, it’s always the same people.  It’s like drawing a stick figure and your mom putting it on the fridge.  At some point you realize she’s doing it BECAUSE YOU MADE IT, and that makes it special TO THEM.  It SHOULD be special to me, that I mean that to someone, but IT DOESN’T.

I surround myself with STUFF AND THINGS because each little item has a dream associated with it, each item, EVERY ITEM, has a story not just about what I’ve already done with it, but an even bigger story of WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT.  They will never happen.  Look at this 3D Printed Toothless.  “I will paint that someday” I say, but I won’t, because I would ruin it with my shoddy painting.  “Look at this dull knife?  I will learn how to sharpen this dull knife.”  But I don’t because I’ll just scratch it and make it worse.  Look at this Loopstation.  I’ve made some fun loops, but I’m going to get better at it, I’m going to practice.  But I won’t, because I KNOW that I can’t make it work the way it works in my head, in the story that I wrote for it.  Look at this fucking trumpet I bought that costs as much as a new car, 4 top end fursuits, or a year of mortgage payments for someone in a “reasonably” priced home.  The THINGS I COULD PLAY, but I FUCKING WON’T because I CAN’T.  Because I’m TERRIBLE.

I love to dance.  It makes me feel alive.  The music just moves me.  VR has been a blessing for this.  I can dance whenever I want, to whatever music I want.  And then someone shows up the other day and starts cutting loose.  They’ve never even been to a fucking club.  They watch YouTube videos.  They just started doing it.  Their energy is TREMENDOUS and overwhelming and I CAN’T COMPARE.  I realize that I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN when I dance.  I preach to people that it doesn’t matter, that everyone looks goofy, that it’s okay, but I’m FUCKING LYING because everyone is looking at me and judging me and thinking how embarrassing it is that I’m even in the same fucking ROOM with them.  WHY DO I EVEN TRY?

Do you have ANY IDEA how life is when EVERYTHING YOU DO is worthless in your eyes?  It’s not that I THINK it’s worthless, it’s that I KNOW it’s worthless.

You want to argue?  Fine.  Logically, you are correct.  There is a rebuttal for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these admissions, and a rebuttal for the hundreds of other issues.

My hair looks dumb.

I look stupid with painted fingernails.

I can’t drive very good, and people notice.

My musical taste is awful.

I’m doing a bad job raising this new kitten.

I did a horrible job raising Bean.

I did a horrible job raising Harley.

I’m terrible at physicality.

My cooking is mediocre and samey.

I’m fat and gross.

I’m ugly as shit.

I look stupid in a dress.

My makeup looks like a kindergartner with a sharpie.

I suck at all video games.

No one likes the books I read.

I like the MCU and that’s horrible.

I like Apple products and that’s horrible.

My taste in computer hardware is shit.

My taste in clothes is shit.

My taste in cars is shit.

My glasses look dumb.

I made a mistake the last time I got my eyes checked because I’m stupid.

Only morons have as many knives as I do.

My voice is awful.

My photography was a joke, and I was a fool to have ever thought anyone gave a rat’s ass about my photos.

People think I’m a useless stoner.

I drink too much and am a fucking drunk that no one wants to hang around with.

My various bands have me there because they don’t know how to tell me to hit the road.

My VRChat characters are unremarkable and beneath notice.

DO I NEED TO CONTINUE???

These are the random thoughts that went through my head in rapid fire in the past 5 minutes.  It took me longer to type them, at over 100wpm, than it did for them to fill my brain with their toxicity.

Do you have any idea what that’s like?  To have everything you’ve done, ever done, and will do be called into question ad infinitum?  To second-guess everything you say, everything you do, even every thought that goes in your head?  Now wrap your head around this part:

Every one of those thoughts goes through multiple iterations of “Is it real?  No it’s not real.  But what if it is?  What if you’re wrong?  It’s probably real.  Yeah, it’s real.  But is it real?  What if it is?  Maybe I’m wrong?  Yeah, I’m wrong, it’s real.  But what if you’re wrong about it being real?  Maybe it’s not real?  Yeah, it’s probably not real.  But you could be wrong about that, too.”

Every.

Fucking.

One.

*deep breath*

I started this post with the intent to write a little bit about the anxiety I’d been feeling.  Turns out, I was wrong about how much was in there.  I have anxiety dreams on a regular basis, more times than I admit, and likely even more than I can remember.  I was at a convention last night.  As usual, I missed every event.  As usual, I missed every friend.  As usual, I was late to every party.  As usual, there was an elevator.  Usually the elevator goes tot he wrong floor, or dumps me off either at the top of a maze of hotel rooms, outside a giant building with multiple staircases, or in the service tunnels beneath the building.

This time to elevator fell.

And it fell.

And it fell.

I legit thought this was it.  I was going to die in this dream.

The brakes snapped on, and I woke up.

I never got back to REM.  Tossed and turned for a few hours.  Tried my usual trick of counting backwards form 100.  I would lose count at about 94.  My brain just...disintegrated.  Over and over, it fragmented, then reformed back at my anxieties.  When I don’t sleep, I’m especially susceptible to anxiety and depression.

Case in point.

========================

I’ve been mulling over what I just wrote.  I felt all of that, in the moment.  It looks silly now, on paper, as it were.  But that’s just another aspect of the anxiety.  A coping mechanism, if you will.  “You’re just being silly”.  And as usual, I’m already getting brain-foggy over the things I said.  I forget about it again, because that’s what the brain does:  it suppresses trauma.

All I know is I was near tears when I wrote all of that stuff up there; I remember that much, very clearly.

That memory will fade too.

And anxiety says to me, to write “It will fade, just like everything about me.”

So I wrote it, and I pretend to myself that I don’t believe it.  That I don’t feel that I am all of those things I wrote about above.  That everything...is fine.

And, at least for a little bit, it will be.  Those scores of thoughts will reduce to, oh, maybe 10.  Not all will be toxic, but most will be a worry of some sort.  A question.  A question to myself, of myself, about myself.

Anxiety and Depression and ADHD and Mania and other “Mental Misfires” are not things that ever “go away”.  I may wake up, and the dream may fade, but the harsh reality is that, no matter what meds, no matter how much therapy, if you have this stuff, the dreams will come back.  The severity will come and go., but...

The dreams always come back.

========================

I’m out of steam.  The fire is cooled.  I’m done writing for now, and no one wants to hear anything else about this, anyway, least of all me.

Peace, y’all.

[romanssippycup]

Surgery: Part 3

Hey guys guess what? More Logan Angst! :}

Taglist:  @what-even-is-thiss @cup-of-blue@leesacrakon @ts-sideblog @storytellerofuntoldlegends @anonymous-snake@prinxietys @dolphin-squirrel @evilmuffin @fancifulfox @the-prince-and-the-emo @organizeddiscord @pantton-sandacers@thagrinbery @here-to-vent@justanotherpurplebutterfly@romananalogicality @prplzorua @logan-logic@toxicsanders@remmythepegasis  @ukucanuck @gracefullyinsanedancingunicorn @toebeans-andsocks @fandomsofrandom @satisfied-sanders-sides @asexual-trashbag @loonierlovegood @softbludemon @galizy @i-am-a-fander @the-laarmy @thestrangest-of-them-all @colie7700 @protecterofalltheaus @fandomsandanythingelse @mewsicalmiss @silly-aesthetic-me @pasteries-and-portugal @fandomsandnonsense7 @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch

(Let me know if you want to be tagged! :D )  Part 1 -- Part 2 “Though love may have begun with emotions, it is only truly ignited by a choice.” ---------------------------------------------

Virgil shakily passed the book to the shot-eyed side clinging onto him. It wasn’t that he wanted to stop reading, but his voice had given out. Shocked from the reality of the situation, he had no choice but to hand it off. Perhaps Roman would have been a better choice, but Patton had already grasped the book in his hands, stroking the loose pages with long ungiven affection. Hiccupping and sobbing between paragraphs, the moral side began to read.

Wednesday. Six days before Thomas’s Surgery:

It is approximately six o’clock in the afternoon. I had been meaning to write this morning about my thoughts, but quite honestly what I have experienced up until now would be more beneficial to the reader than what I had intended to write earlier. Today was a blur, so to speak. Meaning it went by too fast for me to get an accurate grasp on all that happened. So, I will continue to use this journal to sort my thoughts at the end of each day and hopefully bring a better understanding to how Thomas should process this whole ordeal, if there even is a right way to process an end to something.

It was an idea that jolted me awake two hours before my usual alarm clock. I had been trying to comprehend ways to cope with preordained passing the night before, but somehow the thought must have stuck with me. Realizing that perhaps the thought might be troubling Virgil as well for reasons he might not understand, I decided to research the matter instead of falling back asleep. That way if he had questions, I could give them a reasonable response instead of the truth.

What I found were many ways to ignore or distract oneself from the idea that time was quickly passing, but most of these did not involve my intervention or help. They involved Roman and Patton galavanting on all their own hopes and dreams without any developed reasoning. I had decided this was not what Thomas needed, but as the day continued on I began to have second thoughts.

I’d say I started second-guessing my thoughts right about when Joan and Talyn drove Thomas to get ice cream so they could talk and plan out what to do for each day of the week until next tuesday. They made sure not to mention the reason why they were planning a week full of ‘fun’ activities, but I can explicitly recall Patton and Roman not really caring as to why we were doing this. At the beginning I began to protest each idea with varying facts about Thomas’s well-being and schedule when some very real facts began to hit me.

I do not remember when I went silent, or when I lowered my head. Or for how long Virgil had been raising his voice at me to get my attention. The weight of the realization had all dumped on my shoulders at once. Thomas did not have a schedule anymore nor could he post anymore videos until his farewell announcement. His well-being was already drastically changing and it seemed I had already become obsolete in my known function. The confusion I felt and am still feeling looms over me even as I write...

As I had mentioned earlier, Virgil was the only one to notice my horrified state. I barely remember his words, but I do remember his panicked face in front of mine. It was at that moment that I realized there was no real logical solution to what was going to transpire in six days. I felt unable to open my mouth to comfort him, because the only thing on my tongue was the truth. The facts of the real situation, having been sealed away from further revealment by the promise I had made to Thomas, hiding behind my lips and my memory. I began to realize Thomas had begun to lie to himself, and in turn to the rest of the sides. It was his logic that had created this faulty reasoning that everything was going to be fine. The cognitive distortions being forever in my favor as I was unable to correctly reason why I shouldn’t tell Virgil the truth. And I began to question if Thomas’s facts, or more directly, if I would ever be right again.

I retreated back to my room after the group had settled on a water park for the day’s adventure. The door to Virgil’s room slamming shut shortly after I arrived, told me he was just as frustrated as I was confused. I looked to all the scheduling and planning paperwork I had filled out the day of the information reveal, laid strewn about my desk in an unorderly fashion. Resentment built up in my chest as I gathered it all up and dropped it in the garbage. I remember talking to myself and reasoning that there was no need for thorough planning and that, for once, I could relax. Hah! Relax. I still don’t understand the meaning of the word.

I remembering researching a plethora of topics with the free time that I had for the rest of the day while Thomas and his friends were at the Water Park. I figured, if I couldn’t be useful then at least I would try to learn as much as I could before I was unable to function as a side any longer. It started with random topics, sporadically jumping from subject to subject, soaking up all of the facts that I knew would probably never be of use to me in the near future. As I look back on my decision now, I believe it was a coping mechanism I used as I continued processing the information I had learned about just a day before. But, I can say matter of factly that I am not unhappy with my choice.

Ironically, sometime during my nonsensical research pattern, I came across the word love. I had almost bypassed it, but in my current state as disheveled as it was, I began to look into it using the same faulty reasoning as Thomas was using to lie to the other sides. At first, it was everything that Patton basically was. The mushy, feels, icky complicated human emotions, but something snapped as I continued to read deeper into the meanings of love. What I found that immediatly brought me out of my disarrangement and straight to epiphany, was just a simple sentence. “Love is a feeling, but it is also a choice.”

My discernment began to return as I pondered this thought. These two definitions of love can work independently of each other. One can have a feeling without taking action and one can act out of love without a feeling of love behind it! The latter being one of the main reasons long term relationships and friendships last as long as they do. Love isn’t always an emotion. Now granted, emotions can act as a catalyst to help spur acts of love on to become a reality, but the thought that someone could actually love without having an emotion tied with it shocked me. Perhaps I am more capable of love than everyone, including myself, thought I was.

Quickly grabbing scrap paper, I excitedly began to research the different acts of love and their meaning. Compassion. Time spent. Empathy. Sympathy. ...sacrifice. As I look back on my time as a logical side, I wish I had not been so arrogant and researched this sooner. Perhaps some of the fights I have had with Patton, Roman, and Virgil might have been avoided. At the very end of my research I closed with a statement that I am still quite confused about. “All of these acts must be performed with the expectation that you will get nothing in return. Love was never meant to be a bargain, but of an unconditional accord.” I cam to a conclusion that will awestruck me. It was really only my ignorance that kept me from the brotherly and family type of love I could have shared with my fellow sides.

I immediately related all this information back to my present situation as I jumped out of my chair and began to write down my thoughts. I could let Patton know I love him by letting him have more of his way this week. I could show Virgil I love him by trying to get to know him better. I could let Roman know I love him by acknowledging that he might be correct on something, and not being mean about it. I do not have to deliberately state I love them for me to know I meant it. And even if they don’t love me back perse, I will know that I have been able to overcome a boundary that no one including myself had thought possible. Understanding that this experiment would take the total of my being, did not phase me one bit, because I knew that I had nothing left to lose, but six days time.

This satisfying realization encompassed me as I planned how to put the entirety of my research to practice. And for once, as I continue to do now, I smiled...

---End of Part 3---

[melyaliz]

Remember Me 7

Master List 

Fandom: My Hero Academia 

Summary: Olive doesn’t remember anything and Bakugou remembers too much. 

Pairing: Bakugou x OC (Olive) 

Notes: Scheduling posts? what is that? Some sort of plan? hahah what? I have decided I am not going to wait to post this. I have most of it written so I’m just going to clean it up and post as much as I can. I’m just in a “fuck this lets go” mood. 

Shout out to my husband who gave me that insult for my novel I’m working on... it was gross and honestly... I think there is something wrong with him. 

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive​

Connect with me! AO3 / Website / Pinterest / Newsletter 

DONATE or REQUEST

-0-0-0-0-0-0-- Olive --0-0-0-0-0-0-

“I need an insult for this character to call the other character,” Olive said looking up from her position on the floor where she was typing away editing the Alien romance she was working on. Eliott was playing some sports video game.

“A cum milkshake,” he said without missing a beat

“What?” Olive let out a slightly shocked laugh.

“You heard me.”

Olive fake gagged rolling her eyes as Eliott burst out laughing “See? It’s perfect, I don’t know any context but I’m sure it’ll fit into any story.”

“You nasty” Olive chuckled going back to her story. “I’ll keep my story questions to only guns, Metal bands, and sports.”

They both lapsed into silence again Olive moving from the floor to the couch continuing to mold her story. The bones were already there; she just needed to add the meat. Like creative insults. Eliott got up moving to their kitchen. A few moments later he reappeared with a glass of something.

“Oh speaking of Cum milkshakes.” Eliott snickered holding out the glass, “Try this.” he held out his beer stein which had what looked like a foamy orange juice.

“Oh fuck what is that?” Olive said, taking a sip without question. Regardless of his off-color jokes she always trusted Eliott with his food and drink concoctions.

“It’s a beer-mosa with that white that Joe gave us.”

“It’s amazing when did you think this up?”

“Right now.”

Reaching down Eliott tried to take the drink from Olive only to have her slowly pull away from him looking up as she took both hands to grip the cup frowning at him.

“Did you want me to make you your own?” he asked chuckling  

“Oh, this one isn’t mine?”

“No, I’ll make you one.”

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Bakugou has said he would be coming home late that night. Thus Olive had hunkered down with Dolemite to read her stories. Turns out she actually owned hard copies of the books on a shelf next to her desk.  So after finding a blanket she had made herself a nest to dive into her works.

Dragon’s Dick turned out to be officially named “On Dragon’s Wings” about the ups and downs of dating a dragon shifter. Two hours later she was live texting Lilly bits of the story laughing at her work and getting so exciting trying to guess the ending. Lilly was getting a kick out of it texting her back with crazy theories even though she knew just how things turned out.

Olive was in it deep which was why she felt like she was waking from a dream when the door opened to her apartment. Dolemite letting out a soft meow before walking up to greet the blonde.

Her husband.

She could hear him curse at the cut along with a string of low words she assumed were in Japanese. It made her chuckle as she was sure the clingy cat almost tipped him on his way in. The fluffy cat had a way of getting right under your feet when you didn’t pay attention to him.

A  moment later Katsuki came into the living room his dark red eyes searching for her slightly desperately only to relax when his gaze fell on her curled up in her fluffy blanket. She smiled up at him, eyebright body much more relaxed than they had been.

“Welcome home.”

“How’s it going?” he grunted nodding toward the book in her hand,

“I’m actually good! And like… it’s like reading all my ideas but finished!”

“Well that’s because they are,” he said sitting down next to her.

“I see so many things etched in these too… and some things I think are… maybe you?”

“Huh?” that took him by surprise.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, flipping through a few pages trying to find the part. “It’s just so specific and I know it’s not something that.. Uhhh”

“Eliott would do.”

“Yeah”

“What is it?”

“I’m trying to… oh here it is.”

Brock leaned forward to light the fireworks “You light up my world” Cami said giggling at her own stupid joke.

“God you're stupid.” he chuckled his golden eyes flickering toward her as he, without looking lit up the firework. It sparked and flew up into the sky exploding into a million colors raining down on them. He was showing off now. Cocky smile on his face. “

Bakugou frowned, he had honestly never read her books. She had never asked him too so he just never had. But he now had a strong desire to pour over each text to see just what she thought of him. “You then tried to light one and almost set yourself on fire.”

“That’s in here too.” she laughed her thumbs going over the pages. “When did we start dating? This book says it was published about 3 and a half years ago.”

“Almost 4 years ago, we have been married for almost 2.”

“So we would have been together during at least some of this. That would make sense. Since there is a bit of a shift in tone from the first few chapters and the last ones. In fact this book in general is a bit different from my other ones that I do remember.”

“Oh?” Now he was really curious.  

“Before my stuff was more… funny. Offbeat and silly. And this one is a lot like that, maybe a bit darker humor and then it kind of shifts to…” she paused holding the book in her hands, “almost tender.”

“Tender?” something about that made his heart heavy. Tender. He wasn’t sure he would call their relationship tender. Fiery sure. Passionate yes. But Tender?

Bakugou wasn’t a tender guy.  

But thinking back to those first few months. Late nights texting. Video chatting. Her just smiling at him while he spent an hour explaining moves he was working on. Venting about work or just life. That one time she made him watch Miami Connection with her when she came to Japan and her laughing so hard she was in tears while he screamed at her asking why she would put him through something like that.

He didn’t think of those moments as tender but she did.

All those times he could catch her just smiling at him. Just sitting there watching him do whatever it was he was doing with this look that he couldn’t describe. At first, he used to get mad, thinking she was laughing at him feeling insecure about her gaze. But whenever he confronted her about it she would just shrug and go “I just like you.”

Then one day it was just normal. To see her catch his eye and just give him that soft smile. Like he was the greatest thing that had ever lived.

Looking back at it now was like seeing it in a different shade of color. Something about that seemed so strange to him. As if he was looking at this from an outsider. Looking in on someone else’s relationship.

“Hey Katsuki” her voice was soft and he was taken out of his musings. He turned studying her feeling that deep sadness that came from knowing that you may have lost something forever. All that history they had built together. A fear that maybe she wouldn’t like him anymore. She would want what she used to have so much more. That those looks she used to give him were gone forever. “I want to go to therapy.”

“What?” of all the things he thought she would say he wasn’t expecting that. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Didn't want to. As if he so much as made a sudden movement this moment would disappear too.

“Is there some way I could do that? Maybe I could find a way to jog my memories. I just… I hate this.” she studied his face, both of them trying to read the other trying to find what they had lost. “I want to remember you.”

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The next few weeks were weird ones. Bakugou would take a random day off here and there and even come home early or leave late. Just to make sure she felt comfortable in her environment. Help her find some sort of routine so she could do things without him needing to help her. While she always told him she could figure it out it was partly for him. He just wanted to make sure she was safe.

She started going to a therapist about twice a week and some things seemed to be coming back.

Mostly her Japanese.

Which made sense since she had been studying it for around a year before Eliott’s death. So Bakugou wasn’t sure if that was coming back because he was starting to talk to her in Japanese to help her or if it really was her memory.

There were other small things. Maybe muscle memory. When they would sleep he would feel her reach out for him, her fingers brush his side as if confirming he was there. He wasn’t sure if it was him or Eliott that she was reaching for but he didn’t care. Taking her fingers in his own he would hold onto her and pretend it was her body remembering him. Even if her mind didn’t

“Baku Baku?”

Bakugou froze at the nickname. He hadn’t heard that one in a long time. It was as if an icy hand had clinched his heart squeezing it hard. “What?” he asked.

“This video,” she said holding up. “Lilly sent it last night”

Olive was on Lilly’s floor laughing and talking in a mix of English and Japanese. He remembered that night. They had flown to the US to see some friends and family. While there Lilly, Clare, their husbands, and a few other friends had all gone out drinking. Olive had ended up taking shots with Clare and the two girls had gotten very drunk. Bakugou had basically half dragged, half carried her back to Lilly’s place

“That’s my fiance Baku Baku, he’s so cute.” Olive was saying as pointed at someone off screen.

“Good luck with that she’s done.” Lilly’s voice laughed from behind the camera.

“Are you filming me!?!” Olive asked, pouting her glassy eyes glaring at the camera.

“Yeah Niki wanted to make sure you made it home”

“Niki I’m going to cuddle the shit out of my Baku Baku. and then I’m going to...”

“Ok we are done,” Bakugou said coming into frame, bending down picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder. She giggled looking at the camera mouthing ‘wow so strong’. Then leaning forward she started not so quietly whispering to him

“I’m going to suck your--”

“Bedtime!” Bakugou said, shoving his hand over her mouth making her laugh.

That had been over almost 3 years ago but it felt like yesterday and a lifetime ago.

“Damn your arms are huge,” Olive said, zooming in on the image of Bakugou’s arm holding her. His bicep looking particularly large from the angel he was flexing.

“Hard work,” he smirked, enjoying the praise.

“I can’t believe you picked me up.”

“I can still pick you up,” he stated.

She giggled, shaking her head, “I believe you... Baku Baku.”

“God idiot.” as much as he hated that nickname he couldn’t help but admit it sounded amazing at the moment. Was he really that desperate for some sort of normalcy?

“Oh and this one too!” she giggled pulling up another video. Olive was standing slightly flushed, her arm slung over Momo’s. They were in a bar, colorful lights pulsing with the music blasting above. Mina’s voice came from behind the camera, clearly filming the two other girls.

“What happened?”

“This guy tried to grab Momo’s tits so I told him to take his little dick energy somewhere else and leave my wife alone.”

“Oh are you guys married now?” there was a giggle at the end of Mina’s voice, clearly finding the exchange hilarious. Momo had long ago gotten used to Olive’s very physical way of loving her friends and shrugged under her best friend’s arm.

“Yep, sorry Baku Baku.” Olive said, grinning pulling Momo closer to her playfully.

“Momo?” Olive said pointing to the girl,

“She’s one of my classmates from high school. She’s a pro, number 5 actually. You, her and the girl talking are all really good friends. There is also June that girl there.”

“Oh, where were you there that night?”

“No that was a girl’s night.”

She nodded looking at the video, “Can we go hang out with them? Would that be weird?”

Bakugou didn’t want to tell her that they had all been asking about her for weeks but he… he kind of wanted to keep her all to himself. Like if he held her close enough maybe he could pretend they were fine. And showing his old classmates what had happened was something that may have happened on his watch.

“I don’t know…” he said slowly.

They hadn’t found much on the mysterious America. He seemed to have disappeared into the wind. While Olive didn’t really go anywhere alone and Bakugou hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary to suspect he was coming back he still felt overly protective.

Maybe the America thing had just been some weird fluke.

But he had this feeling it wasn’t. Deep down it just didn’t feel right.

And no one from her past life had a querk like that.

He looked over at her. She was looking up at him clutching her phone with wide eyes. She looked so cute like that. “Please? I’m in the best city in the world and I feel like all I do is stay in here and read my own stuff.”

“I’m here” he hadn’t meant it to come out as hurt as it did but. It had.

“And you’ll be there too?” it was posed like a question, he wasn’t sure if that was a language mix up, she kept seeming to do that. Some sort of old bad habit. Maybe it had something to do with living in California. They all talked like they were asking questions.

“I can see if some of the old gang is available. But I doubt Momo will be. She is busy.”

“Mina and Kirishima too?” she asked breaking into a smile. He knew she was really only asking for them because they were the only other names she had seen. Mina had reached out even after Bakugou had told her not too. The two girls had gone back and forth a little bit. Mina’s English was ok and Olive’s Japanese getting better.

“I’ll ask. But don’t get your hopes up.”

“OK!” she giggled excitedly and he felt a sense of dread about it. Anxiety building up slightly at the idea.

“I said don’t get excited.”

“Too late Baku Baku!” she jumped up almost tripping over the blanket still wrapped around her. Instinctively he reached for her but pulled away when he saw her right herself.

“Don’t call me that!” it came out harsher than he meant it too. Force of habit. But glancing over at Olive she was already back on her phone looking through old photos of a girl’s life she had lived but didn’t know anything about. Her feet leading her toward the bedroom. Probably already planning her outfit.

He was going to regret this wasn’t he  

Slowly she stopped in the hallway that split the living room from the other rooms in the apartment. Turning to him she looked at him confused.

“Are you coming to bed?”

His heart lurched at the image. Her all wrapped up in her blanket waiting for him. So familiar it made him want to lunge forward pulling her to him. Press her back to the wall while pushing his body against hers. To wrap himself up around her while she looked up at him with that little playful smile.

Instead, he just stood shoving his hands into his pockets as if that would hold him back. “Whatever, needy,” he mumbled, passing her as he walked toward the bedroom. She giggled watching him before bouncing after him. Like always ignoring his jabs as if she found them endearing.

Guess some things don’t change even if everything else does.

- GET TAGGED -

Master List  

Story Tag: @0hmydeku @inumorph @it-jinxed-us @myraticm

[nyrator]

cosplay progress and more random vents

the pieces so far- Missing currently is gray paint for the headphones, and something to do a teal “Bi” cheek tattoo with. Also ordered the EVA foam to cover the skates with a while ago but still hasn’t arrived, hope it isn’t lost

And so I decided to dye the wig today

It was a process. Basically realized I might need a whole other bottle of blue dye to make it work, so decided to do maths and figure out what I’d need for the recipe- Basically, regular recipe calls for:

2 cups blue

1/4 cup green

3 tablespoons gray

3 gallons water

instead I used these amounts:

1 bottle blue (.875 cups roughly)

5.25 teaspoons green

4 teaspoons gray

21 cups water

the result was... just blue. Cut off a piece of the wig to use as a swatch, and just kept getting blue. Added a few teaspoons more of green, still blue. Eventually, started pouring the bottle in, at least 3/4s of the bottle. Finally, I got an okay color, but rushed it a bit- Was about to get in a call with friends, so I figured, stir it for five minutes and that should be enough

Well, it looked okay, but part of it felt darker in places, though I couldn’t tell if it was the lighting or not. So later on, I re-boiled the dye, added even more green, and dumped that baby in there (the last white swatch I had came out to a nice green color), so did that, did it for 15-20 minutes this time, and now it’s out to dry. It’s a tad greener... ish...? But I’ll accept it for what it is- Should’ve probably given it a bit more water to swim around in since by the second time, a lot of water had dissipated.

for reference, the color I was after:

now, there’s one problem...

I realize I don’t own a flat iron, I swore I did, but alas. Ordered one on Amazon and should be here Friday, anyway. Hope I can restore it to its original shape

Honestly, feeling a lot of anxiety over this costume- Was originally meant to be some silly non-serious outfit, that just had a bunch of hurdles I felt like tackling head on, and now they feel too overwhelming, I guess. It’s like, I work on the costume, and all I do is feel sick while working on it, but it’s a goal, and so I have to do it, I guess- the money’s spent, no going back, but man, not looking forward to the end result, I guess.

Next time I’ll probably just buy a wig closest in color and just style it properly (though cutting/styling hair is also something I’m terrible at...), the thought of painting the fabric is already giving me anxiety

Also need to do laundry, wash those clothes before I paint them and wash my casual clothes in general- Haven’t done laundry in a month, I think (beyond my dress-ier clothes), just never feel like getting around to it and scraping by with what I can wear

But yeah, anxiety, it’s weird. Tonight’s mostly been a sort of existential type- at least, creatively. Realizing I have no projects I feel like working on and nothing I feel like doing, and the dread of sitting here doing absolutely nothing’s been taking over me- I want to work on RN again, but have no ideas of what to draw or how to get myself to work on the comic again. I think of Skatered things, but zero idea of where to start with anything- Should I learn programming? Make more 3D models? Learn weight painting, finally? Mod JSRF or THUGPro? Hard to say.

Just a weird “wasted time” sense of anxiety, I suppose. But I’ve sort of conditioned myself to “not” think creatively, I think? It’s like, if I start thinking of what I can make, I also start thinking of my past failures and how they’ll most likely just happen again, and how impossible it feels to escape my current creative position

I think I can sum up my desires pretty easily- I really want to create things, and I want Kresna to be happy.

Also, random topic, been seeing random drama over some people I used to watch, it’s kind of weird, since they were my favorites of their groups, but I’m kind of impressed at how little I seem to care about it- Stopped watching them for a while and only just started killing time with stuff recently, now no real reason to keep watching again, just a weird apathetic feeling I guess.

But yeah, otherwise, I just sort of feel like I’m starting to let everything slip away again, and it’s a bleh feeling. Just a bunch of small things eating away at me

I’ll be going to work soon, need to fix my bike tire or something, not looking forward to how to get there

Heat’s on and I want to open windows, but traffic is too loud with windows open and I’m uncomfortable if bugs get inside

Chair and headphones are flaking apart and getting all over me, should replace them/parts of them or something

Want a certain type of desk, but can’t find one like it anywhere (other than places like Pinterest of course so I know it exists), just want a decent shelf-lined hutch mixed with a keyboard tray...

Anxious about displaying things like my Kuja figure in general, about trivial things like dust, sunlight, etc destroying everything I own

laundry, groceries, my mother’s estate things, lots of things slipping by me

etcetcetc

but let’s end on a picture of Kuja for good times sake (I love how detailed he is, I wonder if his FMV model still exists somewhere or if they just really studied the FMVs themselves like I have spent too much time doing, he’s so detailed and accurate, right down to the way his armor looks on the back, and aaa I hope to make his outfit someday... my only real gripe is how his left side seems to be curved...weirdly...

wait did I get a defective Kuja figure

vs

did I really get one that reused the right side piece for both sides

not sure how to feel about that actually, honestly kind of impressed

[surveysonfleek]

409.

Has the power ever went out in your area when it wasn’t even storming? What was the cause of the power going out? hmm our power hasn’t gone out in forever, but it’s went out because it was too hot before.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? i have to have all lights out.

Do you ever get scared of the dark? Under what circumstances do you feel afraid in darkness? only scared of the dark if i’m somewhere i’m not familiar with.

Who was the last person that lied to you, or that you can recall lying to you? What did they lie about? How did you find out they were lying? hmm not sure.

Do you know anyone that says they don’t lie, ever? How do you feel about this? no one has ever said that to me.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? definitely bek. it wasn’t over something huge but i know to not share personal stuff with her.

How do you feel about forgiving and forgetting? i like to hold a grudge so it’s a bit hard for me.

Is there anyone in your life who hasn’t forgiven you for something? Do you feel they are justified, or do you think they just need to let it go already? nope.

The last thing you broke, was it an accident or did you purposely break it? definitely an accident.

Do you ever break things for no apparent reason? no.

Do you ever use the term “smashed” to describe someone as being very drunk? ye.

What do you think of mosh pits? i can’t do it. i hate them.

Is there ever a time when you don’t like being alone? sometimes.

What do you think makes a person ugly, physically? not sure, their features not working well together? tbh i don’t usually think anyone’s ugly until i see their behaviour.

What do you think makes a person ugly, personality-wise? arrogant and rude for the most part.

Has anyone ever called you ugly, straight up, before? How did you react to this? i think so. this woman was hurling a lot of random abuse at me at the mall so i was obviously just standing up for myself lol. 

Who is the most stubborn person you know (excluding yourself)? my mother.

Do you think there is a difference between being stubborn and being closed-minded? Why or why not? yeah there’s a difference. 

Can you describe one thing that you love about your life? i’m alive i guess.

Can you describe one thing that you don’t particularly like about your life? not really sure about how my future is panning out.

What are some things you hope to do before you die? travel more, get married, have a family.

Do you like your name, or the meaning behind your name? happy with my name, the meaning of it is the total opposite of me though.

If you were able to change your name right now, would you? no.

Would you rather change your first name, middle name, or last name? neither.

What is one thing that is really getting on your nerves, even just in general? just plain rudeness in general. idk how some people can be so rude, like are you having a bad day or were you just not raised properly?

What was the last fight you got into about? traveling lol.

Who did you last fight with? Was it a family member? nah my boyfriend.

Do you feel stronger now than you were a year ago? i feel the exact same.

What is one thing that has made you feel stronger recently? nothing.

Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? yeah, sometimes.

Have there ever been floods where you live? nope.

What is your favorite type of juice? orange. with pulp.

Whose birthday did you last celebrate? hmm, i have no idea actually!

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? no.

What is the middle name of the last person you texted? jc.

How far do you live from the ocean? about an hour.

What was the last magazine you read? national geographic.

Do you wear hoop earrings or studs more? hoops.

Are you allowed to wear high heels? lol why wouldn’t i be allowed?

Turn on the TV what channel are you on? no thanks.

How many people live with you? two.

Have you had your 17th birthday? yup.

Does your birthdate occur after the 15th of your birth month? no.

Do you wear eyeliner on a regular basis? no.

Do you know your blood type? nope, even my mum doesn’t know lol.

What is your mom’s middle name? she doesn’t have one.

What was the last thing you had to drink? water.

Have you had your wisdom teeth out? no.

Your appendix? no.

Do you sleep on the floor when you’re sick? umm hell no.

Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? yes.

Do you know anyone in the Air National Guard? no.

When did you/will you graduate high school? i graduated years ago.

Do any of your good friends have children? yes.

What did you do for your last birthday? went to brisbane.

How many times does the letter ‘n’ occur in your full name? twice.

How many days from now is it to Wednesday? three.

Have you ever got sick on a theme-park ride? yes, i just felt sick, i didn’t throw up or anything.

Do you bite your nails? no.

Do you have a birthmark? If so, is it embarrassing? yeah and no. it’s a small mark on my side.

Do you still live in the same place you lived in 10 years ago? yes.

How old are you? 26.

So that means your birthday is…? dec 5.

Have you had sex lately? yes.

When should a couple have sex? when they’re in love and ready.

Does your mommy still do your laundry? sometimes.

Are foreign exchange students weird? no.

What do you find attractive? a variety of things.

Do you still watch cartoons? not really.

Do you want in someone’s pants right now? sure.

Have you had sex on your bed? yes.

What’s so funny about the #69? nothing. 12yo’s think that’s funny.

What do you think of your principal? i don’t have one nor do i even remember the one i had lol.

Have you ever been cheated on? no.

Would you ever cheat on your significant other? no.

Do you think cheesy pickup lines are silly? i guess.

Have you ever had stitches? apparently so.

Have you taken a shower in the last 24 hours? yes.

Are you wearing a sweatshirt? no.

Are you sad? no.

Who was the first male you talked to today? my boyfriend.

Let’s be honest, have you ever been played by someone? probably.

Did you eat breakfast today? yes.

Do you feel well? i’m okay. i’ve been tired all day for no reason.

Are you tired? yes.

Do you think you are a hick? i’m def not.

How many windows do you have in your room? one big one.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? a bit of both.

Have you ever had a stalker? no.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? depends how big the bed is. probably alone though.

When was the last time something bothered you? now.

Where are your biological parents? both at home.

What did you last drink? water.

When was the last time you got a haircut? maybe two months ago?

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? yes.

Do you have a brother? no.

Do you do your own laundry? sometimes.

If it was free and it would work would you get plastic surgery? no.

Is the opposite sex really worth it to you? depends on the person.

Do you believe that all girls are the same? no.

If you were to die today would your life be complete? nope.

Have any stalkers? no.

Did you speak to your father today? no.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? an hour ago.

How did you wake up this morning? i was woken up coz pest control was here.

What are you excited about? this thursday!

Will you be in a relationship 4 months from now? yeah.

Do you know your mother’s birthday? of course i do.

Would you run down the street naked if it meant earning $15,000? haha possibly.

How do you feel about the person who texted you last? i love them.

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yes.

Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? yes.

What hoodie did you wear last? my gap one.

How many pairs of Converse do you own? one.

Have you ever liked someone who treated you super shitty? no.

What are you wearing on your feet? nothing.

Honestly, do you really love the last person you said ‘I love you’ to? yes.

Do you believe in God? idk.

What’s the last movie you watched? idk.

Do you shower daily? yes.

Can you dance? aha no.

Does anyone call you babe? yes.

I’m guessing you’re single? nope.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? from h&m.

What color are your eyes? brown.

What are your plans for this weekend? this weekend is overrrr.

What are you doing tomorrow? working.

What are you wearing right now? a tee and my undies.

Do you wear make up? yes.

Have you ever slept for more than 12 hours? not straight. i’d have to pee at some point.

What is your favorite color? pink and turquoise.

Have you got your period at the moment? no just finished.

Have you ever been pregnant? no.

Have you ever had someone punch you in the face? no.

Have you ever punched somebody else in the face? no.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? two.

If you could rewind 5 years, or skip 5 years, what would you do? neither.

What are the chances of you doing something exciting tonight? 0% unless i plan it myself. i’m too lazy though.

Have you ever had a near death experience? no.

Have you ever been to another state in your country? yes.

Would you ever elope? not sure. i think my boyfriend wants a wedding. i couldn’t care less.

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? yes.

When you have lint on your clothes, do you get it all off or just leave it there? get it off.

Have you ever experienced really bad turbulence on a plane? i have actually. but i was half asleep.

When you’re upset, does venting your feelings help at all? sometimes. sleeping it off usually helps more though.

Does heat seem to drain you of your energy? yes.

What does your newest text say? ugh too long to type.

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most? no one has hurt me that badly.

Do you think $30 for a pair of jeans is cheap? yes.

Does your last ex have a job? yes.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? nope.

How do you flush the toilet in public? with my hand? i’ll always wash my hands after so it doesn’t matter.

What would you do if it snowed right now? film it coz that’s impossible over here.

Do you like it when people touch your hair? no.

What do you want to be when you grow up? idk yet :(

What is the longest crush/relationship you have had? it’s been 8+ years and counting.

How many letters long is your last name? eight.

Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire? yup.

Who are you texting? just my boyfriend.

Which side of your family are you closer to? none really.

Do you like going to museums? yes i love it!

What are you currently listening to? nothing.

Ever felt like you’re not good enough? yeah.

What’s the last thing you ate? a mini muffin.

Do you like cats? i hate cats.

[squigglegigs]

I stopped watching iCarly like during season 2 so I don't know what happened, but please tell what you didn't like about seddie I kinda shipped them when they weren't together and then I heard they started dating and I was all oh no please don't ruin it and based on what you said I guess they did ruin it

HOO NELLY THANK U ANON!! i love love love season 1 and 2 seddie shipping it is prime 👍 i loved them characters and i felt like they were building to something good and slow burning with them? BUT THENNNN

icarly around mid season 3 took a bit of a nosedive for me and i feel like this was when shit kinda hit the fan. they learnt that their fans liked their silly random humor and took that as a cue to make their show JUST PANDERING TO THE FANS in a way that their humor was very forced and what was charming dialogue became monotonous nonsense that made me cringe.

i believe this is a big part of what later killed any ships that could have happened in the show because during this dive into simply trying to pander to their audience they lost their characters completely. sam became AGGRESSIVE MEAT freddie became BUFF COOL NERD carly became ATTRACTIVE LOVABLE GOOF and that was it. no depth homie it was bad.

so of course since half of the fans wanted sam and freddie to date it was going to happen. but at this point they had no grasp on who these characters were anymore so it didnt go how many seddie shipper thought it would go.

sam fell for freddie and it was shown through her being shy and acting kind around him them eventually throwing herself at him and kissing him.

she checked herself into a mENTAL HOSPITAL?? where he found her and told her on icarly he wanted to date her

they dated and made out all the time calling each other goopy pet names like dear and sweetie and were overall a very ooey gooey couple

then they broke up but the show continues to tease at freddie being with sam and carly continuously to keep the viewers around for a WILL THEY WONT THEY

it is basic basic basic knowledge that chacters dont change who they are when they enter relationships? the reason u want to date someone to begin with is because u like who they are on their own, now who they are in a relationship. the relationship shown on icarly was not between the character i fell in love with in the early seasons, it was between two people i hd no familiarity with.

ANYWAYS i got a lot of angry icarly feelings but season 1 through halfway of season 3 was my jam for the most part and usually im drawing with the thought in mind that nothing after that ever happened.

THANK U FOR SENDING ME THIS ASK! i vent with my pal about the steady decline of icarly every few months but its good to get it out and in writing lol

👌👌 long live decent characterizations of seddie

edit: ALSO if u are a fan of seddie and icarly and want some GODDAM AMAZING characterization and representation of this ship and the characters i HIGHLY recommend this fic

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/4928647/1/

its called stairwells and steeringwheels and i reread it once every few years its AMAZING.