#rereading my work to see where I’m going wrong is making me deeply hate the way I write

[mebiselfandi]

Talking about the important things, the things that matter, feels so overtly derisive and deeply embarrassing. Like can’t you just understand what’s wrong by looking at me? No? Okay. Take a guess cause I don’t know either(I do but let’s ignore that)

[rezzyromance]

hihi may i request a heisenburg x reader comfort fic? reader is feeling deppressed or something and karl and reader just cuddle or something

I need this right now. Where's MY big, crusty, greasy, metal hobo man?

(CW: mentions and descriptions of depression based on my own personal experiences.)

The bed felt like it was consuming you at this point. You barely left it all week, and hadn't left it at all today. Your heavy body only had a slight feeling of piece when you lay curled up in the bed no matter the time of day. All of the lights were off and you were left alone with your thoughts. A feeling of numbness consumed you, yet you ached at the same time. How could someone feel so numb but so in pain at the same time? The question had been taunting you recently as every day made you feel more and more useless.

The self isolation you had put yourself through was only making things worse. You live in the factory with Karl but you haven't seen him since you've started staying in your room more often. He's so occupied with work that he hasn't really noticed your absence.

Well, it was bugging him in the back of his head. Something didn't feel right and he knew it, he just couldn't put a finger on what. It was actually a bit distracting. He didn't realize what was wrong until he was journaling. When he writes in his journal, it's one of the few moments he has where his emotions become somewhat known to him. He barely knows what he's writing until he rereads it. He just lets his mind take over as he writes. He was rereading his most recent journal and the last sentence made him pause.

'I haven't seen (Y/N) in a bit. I wonder where they're at."

"Damn.... I'm stupid...", he mumbled to himself. "How could I have been so oblivious?", he groaned and rubbed his forehead before setting his journal down. He expected the worst as he roamed the living areas of the factory in hopes to find you. "I bet they're pissed. I bet they hate me now.", his mind was clouded with negative thoughts.

He twisted the doorknob to your room, hoping you'll be there with a smile on your face. That smile that warms his heart so much and makes him feel like he's worth something. Instead, he was greeted with you laying on the bed with your back facing him. "Yep. Pissed.", he thought.

"Hey.. you awake?", he asked in an almost-whisper. He wasn't aware of what time it currently is, but the fact that you were in the bed with the lights off made him assume it's probably late. "Yeah.", you respond. "I'm awake." There was no emotions behind your words. You sounded so tired, but not a normal, groggy and sleepy type of tired. Like an exhausted and pained type of tired.

"Were you sleeping?", he asks. "No."

He inhales deeply through his nose as he tries to asses what's wrong. "I know you're mad at me. And you have every right to be.", he starts off. His words confuse you. You weren't mad. You've felt this way for a long time, but having Karl around helped you keep your chin up and tuck the bad feelings away. It wasn't until he became super occupied with his work that the feelings came rushing back. You were left with nothing to help distract you from the negativity that had been brewing inside of you for so long.

"I'm not mad.", you say, still without moving from your spot. "You're not?", he sounded genuinely shocked. "No." "I just haven't really checked on you or paid any attention to you recently. I know you must feel like I forgot about you completely." His words made you feel bad even though there was no reason for them to do so. "I'm sorry.", you say. He cocks his head to the side in confusion. "What? Why are you sorry?", he asks as he walks over to where you were laying.

Suddenly, you feel small. So small. You feel your eyes sting at the threat of tears. "I..", your voice shakes a little. "I don't know..", you can't help but sigh. Karl isn't the most empathetic person, but seeing you this way made him feel a type of way he has never felt before. He could tell you were upset, and he wanted nothing more than to be able to help, but he had no idea how. He had no past experience or even an example from his life where he figured out how to comfort someone that is sad.

"You look tired. You should rest.", is what he said. What his words really meant where "I recognize your emotions and I understand completely. Please, take care of yourself.",

He crawls into the bed and lays beside you. "Tell me..", he begins to talk and hesitates slightly, unsure of what to say. "What's got you so exhausted?", he says. He continues to use words like "tired" and "exhausted" as replacements for "depressed", but you both know what he really means. His words cause a sharp pain in your throat. You wanted to cry so badly but kept it in. "I don't know. I'm just....", you can't help but let a few tears fall. "I'm so tired." Even though there is an absence of light in the room, he can tell you're crying.

He swallows awkwardly, thinking of what to do next. He takes a deep breath and places his hand on your arm. He can feel you shaking beneath him as you quietly cry. Something in him feels like it breaks a little, but something else in him grows. A passion for protecting. A need to keep you safe. It fuels him in the moment as he pulls your body into his. He was still fully clothed with his work shirt, pants, and even boots, but he didn't want to waste a second removing his clothes when he could be holding you close. You're his number one priority.

You clutch the fabric of his shirt in your hands as you fight back the tears. "It's okay.", he says as he rubs your back in attempts to soothe you. "You're okay.", he kisses your forehead and lets you cry out what you've been holding back for so long.

Once you're done, you feel a little embarrassed and unsure of how he feels. But, he still holds you tightly to his body. He rubs circles in your back with his calloused thumb.

"It's okay to feel bad. That's probably a dumb thing to say.. but it's true. It's okay to be pissed off and sad. Just, try to remember that you're so much more than what you feel.", for a moment, his words actually sound wise and it surprises himself. "Promise you'll try and remember?", he asks. "I promise.", you sniffle. "Good. I'm gonna shut up before I say something stupid while trying to sound smart." His words make you giggle which lights up his face and heart. A wave of relief washes over him and he continues to hold you.

Now, you're no longer alone in the bed with you're thoughts. Sure, they're still there. But you're not alone. And as long as Karl's around he'll make sure you never go through them alone again.

[aminiatureworld]

Spotlight

Characters: Albedo, Kazuha, Xiao, gn!reader

Word Count: 3,707

Warnings: Swearing

Premise: Modern AU in which the reader’s s/o is famous.

Author’s Note: My first crack at a modern AU and I enjoyed it immensely! My personal media of choice definitely came through in this prompt. I would now kill for Albedo to read Shakespeare. Also streamer Kazuha is an inspired idea, thank you anon for that! Not to mention musician Xiao, truly chef’s kiss.

Albedo

Albedo was a stage actor, both by education and by trade. Starting in high school he began in local productions, before entering into the Mondstadt Theateracademie. After appearing as Estragon in a filmed version of Waiting for Godot, he began to be scouted for various television miniseries, eventually becoming a well-respected film actor.

You arrived somewhere in the middle of his career. Working as a costume assistant at the Academie you had quickly fallen for the inquisitive and deceptively intense soul that exuded every color of emotion onstage, from raging anger to soft sorrow, before stepping into the wings and resuming an aura of utter calm. He had captivated you, both as an actor and as a human being; and when you learned that he had also become slightly infatuated with you, well, it was hard not to feel like you had stepped into a wonderful play, or perhaps simply a wonderful play had been brought to life.

The switch from theatre to screen was certainly a jarring one for both of you. When the first film contract was offered Albedo had stared at it for a long time, rereading it over and over again as the coffee in front of him quickly turned cold.

“Is there something wrong with the contract?” You had asked.

“No, it’s not that. It’s only…”

“Only?”

“Only on stage there is a single audience. You can feel their reactions, can measure their response. There is nothing nebulous about the people around you. But on film you cannot do that. You cannot adjust for time of day, or whether it’s a weekend or a Friday performance. You must let your lines out and hope that they land without even being able to calculate it.”

“It’s not a science experiment my darling,” you had teased.

“Maybe not,” Albedo admitted. Still he continued to read and reread, and it was only until the next afternoon that he had told you his answer.

Still, you had to admit that he made a fantastic actor. The naturally inward part of your partner’s personality, the part that always seemed to jump out the moment he left the stage, worked well to balance with the camera’s need for subtlety, unlike the projection required for stage plays. It was little surprise then that he should grow so popular. Despite all the worries about measuring audience response, there was no doubting the success of Albedo’s acting career.

Being a naturally withdrawn person Albedo mostly stayed off of social media. He had one private Instagram for friends – he didn’t post anything; one private Facebook for family – the only picture was one of you two in the mountains next to a particularly weird looking rock; and WhatsApp – which could barely be counted. Thus when he started blowing up on Twitter – a platform you had a mostly unused account on – the reaction was mostly one of “why are they talking about me?”

Not that Albedo minded fan enthusiasm, indeed when people started showing up in droves at the stage door for him he was always careful to thank everyone collectively and talk to as many people as possible, it just sort of confused him that so many people should take a vested interest in the actor and not just the character.

“It’s because they want to show you how wonderful they think your performances are,” you’d explained.

“I don’t have Twitter,” Albedo deadpanned.

Despite his protests though you sometimes caught him scrolling on your account, face slightly red at all the positive attention. His habit of internal self-deprecation had never truly gone away. That fact became slightly unfortunate in the face of hate comments. It was hard for Albedo not to take things personally. If someone said his acting was shit then you would catch Albedo reading the same line over and over again, as if to achieve mathematical perfection. It was a difficult urge to fight, and you were always careful to give Albedo plenty of reassurance when these things popped up, as well as surreptitiously blocking the trolls that wandered their way onto your dash.

This habit to take things at face value did not apply when you entered the mix. As far as Albedo was concerned you were his partner and no amount of complaining online would make him second guess that or second guess your worth. Even if you thought that you had a better hold on social media assholerly than he did Albedo would still make sure that for every hate comment that floated your way there were at least three compliments on his part. Mentioning you off-handedly in press interviews, saying that he had to go home to his partner, leaving small sketches on post-it notes scattered throughout your apartment, there were no lengths that Albedo wouldn’t go to assure you. And, if you had to admit, these things truly did make you feel better on the days when the small part of your brain said that this wasn’t mindless social media harassment.

Being an actor Albedo had an incredibly fine-tuned sense of the way that people responded to emotions, as if he were performing some grand sort of scientific experiment to see how many people he could sway with his gift. As of such he was always careful that, regardless of his success, things between you were never upturned. You were with him before he was really famous, and you would be there during and after. Albedo loved you deeply; though he often said that he hated romance plays for how sappy they were in his mind your relationship was the one, glowing exception – regardless of the other happy couples in the world. Though it was slightly idealistic, it was the kind of intensity that comprised Albedo’s personality, was the thing that had garnered him so much success.

Albedo loved you deeply, and no amount of surprise movie contracts would change that.

 Kazuha

You had to admit that when you had met Kazuha you had no idea about his double life as a streamer. He was merely one of the many singers that came and went to the recording studios, all people eager to unleash their talent on the world. But unlike the rest of them, Kazuha could make you laugh.

Perhaps then it was unsurprising that Kazuha should be a popular streamer. Though his often florid talking style might seem on paper like it would be too grating for streaming, in reality his soft cadence combined with a dry sense of humor made him wildly popular. He rarely lost his temper, making him palatable to those who wanted to have a fun time without blowing their ears out, and when he did lose it his hyper-specific, often nonsensical insults were the stuff of memes. No, in retrospect it was not all that surprising that Kazuha was a beloved streamer.

At heart though, Kazuha had told you over coffee, the enthusiastic and earnest internet sensation was a poet.

“When you’ve had a life as dissonant as mine, how can you not be?” He’d joked. And indeed perhaps he was right, for Kazuha was as wonderful a poet as you had ever read. He was born to be a writer, you had told him.

You were also an aspiring singer, as well as a friend of the studio owner where you did your recordings. As such you had made it a habit to help around the studio when you weren’t also working or studying. As you and Kazuha were both students with intense side jobs, the good natured complaining of overworked students also made their way into you rapport, a friendship that grew day-by-day. Eventually it sprouted into love.

Though you knew that Kazuha was a streamer when your relationship started, in reality you hadn’t realized how truly popular he had become. The first time you watched one of his streams you were blown away by his popularity. Watching your first livestream only cemented that. It was hard to believe that your down-to-earth, slightly self-effacing, partner could have garnered such a large fanbase. Not that you didn’t think he deserved it. He absolutely did. However after seeing that you admitted you were a bit awestruck.

“Why? Am I not the same person on screen and off?”

“Of course you are! It’s just, well, my partner’s a celebrity!”

“I would go that far,” Kazuha laughed.

“Well you certainly are to me!”

Nevertheless your dynamic didn’t change much afterwards, besides the occasional teasing on both of your parts. Kazuha was after all Kazuha at the end of the day.

At the beginning Kazuha didn’t mention you much on stream, certainly not by name, you had to admit you were a bit intimidated by the idea of being recognizable on the internet, even if it was just by name.

“This is also my partner’s favorite map.” Had been his first mention, during a game of Mario Kart.

Despite this offhanded remark however the chat had almost immediately exploded, followed by the rest of the fanbase. Though there was, of course, some disappointed buzz – isn’t there always – the reaction was immensely positive. Positive, and curious.

After a while Kazuha started mentioning you more often in streams, especially after the two fo you moved in. Sometimes you would hear him as you passed him room – Kazuha liked to keep the door open – other times you would watch it on stream yourself.

“My partner hates this character. Too bad you can’t throw evidence.”

“Nobody tell my partner that I’m afraid of basements. I don’t need them to know that when laundry day rolls around.”

“Hey if you’re watching this dear, I promise that it’s not that much money. You don’t need to look at the bank account. Who am I kidding, this is why we don’t share one.”

“Hey, darling I know you’re watching this. Can you check and make sure I left my keys on the coffee table, they aren’t on my desk. Also can you make tea?”

Despite fans knowing very little about you, you were surprised by the amount of positive comments that flooded the streams. You had to admit that your initial expectations had been “people are going to find me annoying”. Instead funny comics of your voice drifting in from the other room popped up, along with a lot of waving and “tell your partner not to trust you with the keys” after Kazuha fell off a cliff one too many times. It was an odd experience, to be so happy about the comments of faceless people, people to whom you were also faceless.

Eventually Kazuha’s hardwork in singing paid off and his first single was recorded and given a deal. On the evening of the release livestream Kazuha set up in the living room, angling the camera so that you could sit on the chair just out of frame. You had talked about the release for months now, and a few weeks ago Kazuha had brought up the idea of a pseudo-stream reveal.

“I was wondering if you’d like to say hello to the audience or wave when my song is released. I understand that you’re hesitant about those sort of things, and I would never ask of you something that would make you uncomfortable. This relationship is the most precious thing to me, and I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured or exploited in any ways.”

“Thank you for being so considerate Kazuha. I’ll think about it.”

Now you sat in the chair, fidgeting slightly, waiting as the countdown on his laptop reached one. You excitement certainly seemed matched by that of the fans, who were typing wildly in the chat.

Eventually the screen faded to black and the chatting quieted down. The first few notes of a wooden flute emerged, combined with the strumming of a guitar. As the familiar words began to echo through the laptop speaker you found yourself washed away. Kazuha was always enthralling when he sang. At the end of the song was a dedication, and though Kazuha had already alluded to it, the sincerity still took your breath away.

To my dearest partner. My compass and my guiding star throughout this realization of my dream. You are my sun and my stars, and I’m forever devoted to you. Thank you for sharing in this project, and thank you for giving me such love.

Perhaps it was slightly saccharine. Regardless you felt the sudden, uninhibited urge to cry.

“So, what did everyone think?” Kazuha asked into the mic, face reappearing on screen. He was slightly giddy, and you watched as his hand tugged on the fabric of his linen belt.

Immediately the chat exploded, as waves of “that was amazing”, “I’m crying now”, and “the end was so sweet!” flooded the screen.

“Thank you all for the encouragement!” Kazuha let out a laugh, one that you could tell was one of utter euphoria, and no little relief. “There’s someone else I think who would like to thank you.”

Who knew that a small sentence could cause such a splash?

You barely had time to let out a tentative “Hello,” before an immediate wave of excited screaming covered the bottom left of Kazuha’s stream. “Thank you for supporting Kazuha’s song. And thank you for always being nice to me.” With a tentative wave of the hand you collapsed back on your chair, slightly hysterical laughter rising inside you out of the relief that flooded through you upon seeing the enthused fan reaction.

Afterwards your voice became the occasional guest on Kazuha’s streams, always greeted with enthusiasm. Kazuha continued to grow in popularity, and his music continued to capture a larger and larger audience.

All throughout this you never felt a snag in your relationship. Kazuha may have been a big streaming personality, but he was also a kind and considerate partner, the best that one could ask for in a significant other. Kazuha’s love was never in question. And neither was yours.

 Xiao

Sometimes you were a little self-conscious about the way that you met Xiao.

Though Xiao had definitely grown a following by the time you met – being the main pianist for a popular singer and a classical pseudo-prodigy in both piano and flute his own right certainly had roped him an enthusiastic fanbase – you had simply known him as “the guy who hogs the practice room”.

“I swear to the gods, how long can that bastard take to practice!” You texted angrily at your friend one day. Qixing Conservatory was the premiere music place in Liyue, but what should’ve been an amazing opportunity was being overshadowed by a practice room partner who appeared to not have a life, one who also had the obnoxious habit of playing the same damn thing over, and over, and over again.

“Playing the same piece as before?”

“Yes! Ugh I don’t even know what it’s called but I’ve heard it enough times to last a lifetime, maybe five!”

“Damn I’m sorry, what time does he usually end?”

“I don’t even know. Some time in the early evening. It’s obviously never gotten through to his brain that other people also need to practice. Or that hearing the same notes over and over while waiting makes me want to chuck my binder against a wall.”

“Lol. I kinda want to hear it now. Can you send a video, will the sound pick up?”

“I don’t know how it wouldn’t.”

“…”

“Holy shit! Okay, I need you to watch this video and tell me if you recognize the pianist.”

Safe to say you nearly fell out of your chair upon figuring out Xiao’s identity. Not that you weren’t already about to out of pure exasperation. Still, there was something much more intimidating about shaming a successful musician, and you no longer had the urge to glare at Xiao every time he left the practice room. Honestly, you would have been perfectly happy keeping your head down and never interacting with him at all.

Fate, however, has a sense of humor.

To be fair, some of it was your fault. You knew that Erlkonig was a massively difficult piece. You knew that you should’ve picked something else, knew that even Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata mvt. Three had to be less painful than the non-vocal arrangement you’d placed in front of your eyes. You were never trusting your music taste with your piece choices again. This was a terrible mistake.

“These stupid fucking running notes!” You let out, a groan of exasperation racing through you. Half slamming (you weren’t crazy) the piano cover down you swung the door of the practice room open. You didn’t want to deal with this anymore. Trying to ignore the embarrassment that rose up seeing Xiao waiting on a chair next to the door you went to walk down the hallway.

“You should work on it with a dotted sixteenth note pattern.”

It was the first time that Xiao had ever spoken to you.

Afterwards a rapport slowly grew between the two of you. Often Xiao said nothing as you passed, rarely you made a gesture of recognition when he finally reappeared from the practice room. However soon the occasional word or phrase of advice grew into longer sentences, later these sentences evolved into pieces of conversation. Soon enough you discovered, to your slight horror, that you found yourself yearning for Xiao’s company.

Almost as soon as you’d finally figured out your feelings you were hit with a wave of denial. You weren’t falling for Xiao? How could you fall for someone who got on your nerves so much? Sure he gave you advice, but what about it? You deserved it after having to hear him over and over again while waiting. Certainly Xiao didn’t seem interested in you, he barely talked to you! Yeah he was getting more talkative, but it’s easier to talk to people when you’re giving them advice. There’s no way you were in love with Xiao. And there was no way he was in love with you.

To say that Xiao’s career as a musician, never mind his genuine technical talent at two instruments, was a barrier would be an understatement. The moment you thought you were making some progress, finally admitting to yourself that this crush was, in fact, real, a wave of anxiety would pass over you. Xiao was too good for you, he was too important. Here was a man who had a successful musical career already up in the air while you banged frustratedly on the keys. Why would someone that successful be interested in you? Not to mention the fact that he didn’t seem interested.

Because, you had to admit, you did like Xiao’s music. Not just his classical repertoire, but his pop music as well. It was slightly jazzy, mellow and playful and utterly unlike the scowling musician behind it – something you secretly thought extremely cute and surprisingly charming. To him you were just a practice roommate, and you were sure he’d find the idea of dating someone who was more familiar with his public persona irritating.

So you buried your feelings, or tried to. Unfortunately like sometimes attracts like, and just as Xiao secretly had the emotional understanding of a teaspoon, you weren’t nearly as clever about things as you would like.

“Is there something on my face?” Xiao asked, his voice gruff and slightly reluctant.

“No, why would there be?”

“Because you’re staring at it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” You let your head drop, looking intently at the ivories in front of you. Eventually there was a sigh.

“You don’t have to do that. I… I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! You staring down is weird too. Let’s, let’s just hurry up and do this passage.”

After that you became more aware of your staring habit. You also became more aware of Xiao’s own habit, leaning towards you. Sometimes you swore that you could feel the tips of his hair tickling your neck, light and feathery and stealing all your attention.

“Hey, Xiao, do you need glasses?”

“Why would you asked that!” Xiao flared up, face reddening. By this time you’d become more accustomed to these flareups of grumpiness, and ignoring it you pressed on.

“It’s just, you seem to be leaning forward.”

“I’m not!” Immediately Xiao shifted back, almost stepping away. Without thinking about it you reached to grab his hand.

“I didn’t mean it was a bad thing!” You got out, before becoming aware of your hand grasping Xiao’s. The touch felt electric, and you were suddenly so very aware of everything, yet unable to focus at all.

“Then you shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Xiao grumbled.

Slowly the musician leaned closer to you once more. You had already half stood up and now you found yourself stepping closer to Xiao. The world continued to shrink until you were almost pressed together. Xiao was leaning forward, as were you, and the longer tufts of his hair were tickling your cheek, helped by the fan whirring away in the corner. Your hand was still in his, but all your thoughts appeared to have died away.

“Xiao?”

“Is this, too close?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Xiao?”

“What?”

“I like your music. I hope that doesn’t bother you.”

“Why would it?”

“I don’t know. I just, I also like you, not just your music. But I also like your music.”

“I also like yours too.”

Perhaps it wasn’t the most romantic of confessions, but at that point you were far too carried away by the moment, or maybe by the fact that was the most sentences Xiao had strung together that weren’t about triplets. Regardless of the fact, you were suddenly seized by incredible happiness, as all appeared to right itself.

Afterwards initially little changed, Xiao was a gruff as ever, you were still itching to play in the practice room more. Nevertheless when you went to a concert of his for the first time and he let out a small, almost imperceptible, smile your way you knew things had changed. They would keep changing perhaps, or maybe they wouldn’t. After all, this moment was beautiful.

So much that you didn’t even mind the hours spent waiting for the practice room.

[saintobio]

Unpopular opinion-

I usually skim through Sera's parts bc though she's a good character, her attitude reminds me too much of someone I used to know.

But seeing her interact with her siblings rly touched me with how she genuinely cares for them 🥺 It added so much depth to her character and I can't help but think that if she and Satoru would've never gotten together (she'd still be rly annoying jk-), her attitude wouldn't have gotten worse.

I might even root for her going after Toji if she gets over Satoru and decides to work hard to earn money for herself without relying on rich people to help her bc honestly? she ain't blind. Who wouldn't want Toji's hot dilf ass 🥵

But who knows, I might reread the whole series again and find myself hating her once more. Then again, that part in ch 14 where she dotes over her siblings might make me rethink everything all over again.

Tldr; Sera redemption arc(????)

Anonymous said

as much as i don't want to admit it, i think it's very sweet how much sera cares for ber siblings. yes, sera is the main villain of sn, but i think she's trying her best just so her siblings won't go through what she went through back then. and honestly, reading her interaction with her younger brother made me cry because it just shows how she loves him and wants the best for them </3

Anonymous said

I’m so scared this is gonna take a direction towards wastelands where Mc or Gojo dies like wtf 😭….both of them have been through so much and deserve so much better then what they have right now.

Okay but I was rooting for sister gen to throw some damn hands at sera 😣 but it’s okay revenge takes it’s time

Tw: S*ra slander and love at the same time

Sera in this chapter showing a different side where she isn’t putting up a horrible front is actually kind of relieving in a sense , like atleast she kinda cares about her family and isn’t treating them like total fucking shit. (I can’t get over the fish thing.. 💀) I also started feeling more for sera since at the same time as causing a ripple with Mc’s and Gojo’s relationship I think people fail to realize yes she has issues and crosses the line on so many accounts but the girl out here heartbroken we can’t expect her to just get over Gojo in a minute then walk out of there. Still hate her though <3

Anonymous said

This chapter hurt me man. And I really like how you put the part of Sera and her family. I know at this point we all hate Sera but it’s nice to see her like that because it shows that she’s human like the rest of us and while she’s cruel she can also be compassionate and kind. Maybe if she wasn’t so obsessed with wealth she would’ve been a better person. Also I love the character the development of Gojo. Only you can make me start falling in love with a character I hated so much.

Also why was Naoya shocked by seeing Sera at the funeral? Didn’t he give her advice on going to Gojo and all that?

@wishingforanother said

SAAAIIIINNNTTTT, YOU ARE HEAVEN SENT.

First things first, I enjoyed reading Sera’s side of the story once again. For me, I understand why she’s projecting her anger towards her family. I love that she acknowledges why this is wrong and tries her best to apologise, as well as still being thoughtful and reminding her sibling that she’s still a reliable older sister. To be honest, I did shed a tear for her.

Also, the lovey-dovey interactions between Y/N x Satoru, my heart fluttered so much 🥺. I am so excited to see what your plans are for them in the upcoming chapters, since now they’re going to be parents.

Thank you again for this amazingly written chapter. I hope you enjoy your break and remember to take care of yourself. Know that no matter how many breaks you take, we will wait; it’s okay. 🤍

yesss aaaaah ik sera’s doing a pretty great job as an antagonist rn but i also really wanna show that she’s not entirely evil like eula lol she’s at least human in a sense that she does care deeply for her siblings. i’m so glad you guys loved how another side of her was shown from the last chapter <33 as for third anon, naoya isn’t shocked he’s just a good actor lol

[buryyourfavouritestrope]

Feel Things - Claude Faustus

Author Note: I haven't reread through this, so expect errors, I've just had the same several paragraphs in my drafts for months and really needed to finish this, because damn the concept was too good for me. Also I'm so glad someone made this gif because it fits super good for a specific moment in the fic below. Fruniscor

It was silly. It really was but she’d let a voice crow in their ear, and it had planted a charming seed of doubt. They’d passed each other by chance in a city of hundreds; a gentle yet firm grip had pulled her from the street matched with provocative eyes. The world stopped breathing in time with the Trancy Maid; all noise fell silent until the butler chuckled. As soon as Sebastian whispered his questions a shadow latched onto her young heart. He’d released the maid shortly after with a promise to see her again. A promise she had no intention of allowing him to keep.

This came as no surprise to either party, that along with the stagnant smell of the city street came the lingering stench of the Phantomhive butler. A foul smell that had been commented on a dozen times and would continue to be at the top of conversation. Claude had remained silent since she had returned home. His face contorted in displeasure – or could she see a hint of disgust hidden behind his liquid gold eyes.

“He should never have touched you, and for that I must apologise” Claude sighed. The demon was not the one to say sorry, but then he wasn’t one to let this happen in the first place. He could feel his irritation itching beneath his skin as he continued to inhale the fetor of the other demon. “However, before we go about any other business, you need to wash. I can’t stand that malodour.”

Claude’s fingers wrapped around her wrist felt drastically different to how Sebastian’s had felt earlier. His fingers held tight, almost painfully, as though he was worried, she would slip from his grasp and disappear. The Trancy Butler was all too aware of her pain threshold, and he always balanced on the precipitous edge. He wanted to let them know that he was still a demon. That he could still break them into unmendable pieces. Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t mean any harm by it; but she had this way of looking at him like he was almost human.

It hadn’t taken him long to draw a bath; nor had it taken long for her to disrobe and allow the steaming water to consume every inch of her body. Claude remained there, crouching beside the metal tub, his fingers idly skimming the surface of the water. Every so often he let his finger dive beneath the surface for a few beats before removing it. Both of them sat inhaling the soft scent of lavender.

In these moments, with just the two of them, the maid saw the serenity he was capable of. She found herself unable to remember the very simple fact that he was supernatural. She watched him turn slowly from a stone wall incapable of even faking an emotion, to this. A demon with a content smile drawn on his features and his eyes gliding over the ripples in the water as though he’d never seen it happen before.

Sebastian’s inquiry fought to the forefront of her mind. His sultry words squeezing at her heart. A jolt shot through her body; it caused the Demon to draw his focus to the maid. His eyes narrowed in confusion.

“Sebastian asked me a question earlier. A series of them, most pointless but one in particular.” The maid began, any confidence within her dissipated the instant Claude shifted closer to the bath. His fingers retreating from the water and resting on the metal. She hoped she would get the answer she imagined on her way back to the Manor. “He asked me why you kept me around, he said the other servants were demons and that with those four and yourself, there was really no need for-“

A guttural growl fell from Claude’s lips, his eyes darkening in rage as he gripped the metal tighter. The Trancy butler would’ve, in this second, liked nothing more than to destroy Sebastian. A task that he deemed easy considering the demon hadn’t fed in a few years. Yet, when Claude looked towards the shivering maid, who had so cleverly and without knowing stolen his thoughts, the tension within him dissipated.

“Claude?” She whispered, a damp hand settling above his own. Faustus winced; his eyes falling onto where they had joined. She’d touched him before. The maid had caressed his cheek one evening whilst he pretended to be asleep, in a poor attempt to keep the fact that he was a demon from her. He’d felt the soft callouses of her fingers on his skin for several days, and in the dead of night he imagined what it would feel like should she caress other parts of him. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

It took a while for Claude to register her words; he was too busy discerning the loss of her warmth. Once it had settled in his brain the butler had all but fell backwards, his legs crouched by the side of the tub buckled as he lost his composure. Her touch hadn’t caused him pain, it had startled him, the feel of her flesh on his own had drawn him into the fantasies that lurked in the darkest parts of his mind, reserved for painfully long evenings.

“You didn’t harm me,” He uttered. Claude’s voice almost sounded foreign to himself. He hadn’t spoken for a while and the sudden crack as he returned to his position by the tub. His knees firmly planted on the concrete floor. Quietly she watched him, his eyes doing their best to avoid hers, should she see the hunger prowling. Claude dipped his finger into lukewarm water. “You should get out soon, I’d hate to have you sick, think of the additional work.” He commented. He was trying to hide behind his cruelty, like the coward he hated to be.

“Yes sir, sorry” She apologised, her voice cracking slightly. She was still picturing Michaelis’ words, she was reminding herself she held no real value to the Trancy Household and in that reminder, she had begun to thread the words into her subconscious. She was a mere plaything. An example for the servants on how a human servant act, and once they were bored of this charade, they’d dispose of her.

Claude watched her; he could practically see the thoughts weighing down on her. The heart, which should never have existed, within his chest tore a little. He missed her smile. The one that he’d receive at the crack of dawn as she wiped away the sleep from her eyes, and the same one that he had been allowed to see as the same sleep from the morning fought for control of her body. Every night she’d go out of her way to say goodnight to him; she’d even stood outside their master’s room and waited for Claude to leave before she gave her sleepy grin and whispered goodnight. A few times he’d carried her to her room; her head against his chest. On those occasions he’d find his demonic nature softening as he tucked her into her rickety old bed, his gloved fingers placing stray hair behind her ear before – in an uncharacteristic moment – he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Unable to help himself and as he moved back, he would find that smile on her features.

“You shouldn’t listen to demons” He announced; at this point Claude had fully submerged his hand. The limb sat limp for a moment in the water. “We’re notorious liars, thieves, scoundrels and we say whatever we can to plant those seeds of doubt in unsuspecting innocent humans. I’ve done in a thousand times before, in order to tempt someone else’s meal to move towards me.” He continued.

“Someone else’s meal…” she breathed. Claude frowned at his own reckless explanation. The woman before him was nothing like food to him. Her soul held no nutritional value to him; it would never hold that meaning to him.

“My apologies, that was not what I meant” Claude admitted. “That uncouth demon chose you to tempt because it would cause trouble for me.”

“Trouble…how?” She questioned. Claude growled in frustration. This was the first time in a long time that he had ever struggled with his words. Inhaling deeply the demon reached for her hand beneath the water, his fingers brushed against hers briefly as he settled his mind and focused on what he was going to say next.

“This isn’t working” Claude huffed, his fingers – that had settled beside her – wrapped around her wrist like they had done earlier. A small tug as her body fell towards his, his eyes searching her features as he placed his other hand beneath her chin. “What I’m trying to get across to you is this”

She felt his breath across her lips as he hesitated briefly. It was just the shortest of moments as he questioned his resolve once again before his lips found hers. The hand around her wrist releasing her. He gave her the option to move away from him as their lips moved with each other. He let her have the time to regain control of her logical thoughts; and yet it had been her to place her hands on his first. Her hand rested behind his neck whilst the other found his shirt as their breaths mingled.

The room felt a few degrees warmer to her once they had separated. Her hands still firmly rooted against him.

“In short, I keep you here because beside me is where I need you, you hold more value to me than the others, if anything the other four could be replaced in an instant but you, I could scour the world for centuries and never find a replacement for.” Claude uttered. “You make me feel things that should be impossible and that both scares me and excites me”

[procrastinatorproject]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Star Trek: Picard Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Agnes Jurati/Cristóbal Rios Characters: Agnes Jurati, Cristóbal Rios Additional Tags: Meta, Developing Relationship, my take on Agnes and Cris's relationship, and why i think it works, Minor Character Death (Mentioned), Psychological Trauma

Title Inspired by @regionalpancake‘s glorious Downtime Drabble “You’re Light On Me”

A while ago, a friend confessed to me that they didn’t really understand what Agnes Jurati and Cris Rios see in each other. They felt the relationship seemed unmotivated and forced, and they didn’t really see why other people thought it worked.

I’ve seen this sentiment a few times since the show came out, and I’m not here to tell anyone they have to agree with the show-writers’ choices or like a relationship if it doesn’t work for them. But I recently reread the little essay I sent that friend in reply (after making sure they’d want to read it ;9 ), and I really liked it, so I thought I’d share it here.

When people say that the kiss between Agnes Jurati and Cristobal Rios at the end of Star Trek: Picard season 1 blindsided them, I understand where they're coming from. I think the showrunners could have done more to make the developing relationship between these characters truly obvious, but for me, it didn't feel like the mutual attraction between Cris and Agnes came completely out of nowhere. Let me explain.

One of the big things about Rios’s character I find striking is that he wants to be stoic and cynical and misanthropic, but he just... can't do it. He tries! He's short, he hides behind his books, and he pretends he doesn't care about politeness. But the only people he ever swears at are Raffi, a very good friend, and the holos (which are a whole other matter, because there is all this self-loathing tied up in Cris's relationship with them). Over the course of season 1, it's pretty clear that Rios is rather good at reading people, and he wants to do right by them. He defers to Picard pretty much immediately and Soji looks at him pleadingly once and he decides to put his ship at risk for her.

Rios doesn't want to like people, he just can't help himself. He wants to be annoyed by Agnes interrupting his reading, but I think he finds her quirkiness disarming and charming. It's already visible in the way he looks at her on the bridge, when they talk about paper books. And then they go to the holodeck to discuss Picard's detour to Vashti. Since Agnes is the audience stand-in, she asks a bunch of questions, and instead of being annoyed or short, Cris patiently explains everything to her (after offering her a seat). Later, when Cris asks Agnes what she thinks about his outfit for the Stardust City caper and she says he's killing it, there's a beat there. He seems almost a little taken aback, either by her sincerity, or maybe by realizing he values her opinion. It's yet another thing they connect over it. (Also robot boxing. That scene is adorable)

With regards to Agnes… I think partially, she's leaning into her natural humour and quirkiness to appear non-threatening and not give herself away, but I also have another read on her behaviour. (This may partially be me projecting WAY TOO HARD, or, to put it more generously, applying some lived experience to what we see of Agnes's character, so your take on this might be very different. But this is what I see.)

When Agnes and Cris talk before they go off to have sex, Agnes is making jokes and smiling. To me, that doesn’t read as fake or a ploy to manipulate Rios, it seems real. And then when he asks, really asks, how she's feeling, suddenly there is this chasm of pain right under the surface. For me, the idea that Agnes has this intense psychological trauma and is dealing with it by finding joy in little things, like watering the plants, and reading papers, and flirting with the hot captain by completely wrong-footing him with a comment about her dad... it feels very authentic. And I can see how this guy, who pretends to be all uncaring and edgy but is actually a big softie not very far under the surface, and who smiles at her jokes and takes the time to explain stuff to her and listens to her babble, that's a nice distraction from the horrible things happening in her mind. Not in the sense that she's manipulatively using him, but in the sense that this kind of human connection gives her moments of light and gives her reasons to keep going, even through so much pain.

After Agnes kills Maddox, she is deeply, deeply conflicted over what she's done. To the point where when they’re leaving the Artefact, she basically says "I don't care if the world ends if I don't kill Soji. Let it all burn. I just can't do this anymore". And then here is this man, who's kind and caring and, yes, hot, and at first it's "I just want to feel something, anything, and he's here, he's half-naked, he's gorgeous". And Rios isn't necessarily opposed to a no-strings-attached fling. Because he keeps telling himself he doesn't get attached and he hates people and he's only ferrying them around because they're paying him. So it's a distraction with a woman who is quirky and witty and pretty, but it won't mean anything, and that's okay.

And then Agnes changes her mind, because she realizes having sex with Rios will make things more complicated. Or maybe because she thinks Rios deserves better. Or that she shouldn't have sex to distract herself from horrible emotional pain because that's kinda unhealthy.

So she pulls back.

And Rios, instead of being annoyed at missing out or feeling like she led him on, or any number of things, asks her how she's feeling. In a way that makes it clear (at least to me) that he really cares about the answer. And for a moment, Agnes lets him see the true darkness inside her. Because she can pretend it's about Maddox dying, she can pretend it's just about being a lonely nerd. She doesn't have to tell him how bad it really is, but she lets herself feel all of the bad emotions for just a moment.

And then she kisses him again, maybe to shut herself up or to distract herself, or because she needs the connection. And he doesn't have any illusion about what it is they're doing. He knows she's trying to feel better, he essentially tells her he knows it's a way for her to deal with her devastation, and he's okay with it. Maybe because he knows what it's like to feel hollow and terrified and need something, anything to cling to.

And at this point, I think they're both still telling themselves that they don't actually care about each other. Cris because he doesn't want to care about anyone ever again so he won't get hurt. (Which, again, he fails miserably at, but I think that's how he wants to see himself and why he treats his holos with so much disdain that Emil tells Picard "He doesn't get any nicer", even though we see Rios being kind to all the people on board.) And Agnes doesn't really have the brain space to allow herself to fall for anyone. She's just taking little moments of light and human connection where she can get them. And they both decide to have sex as a one-night-stand, just to make Agnes feel better for the night, just because they're both lonely and in pain. No deeper meaning behind it.

And then the whole tracker debacle happens. It takes three days to get to Nepenthe and by the time Agnes goes into a coma, they're still a couple days away at least. She doesn't wake up until Picard is back on board, which means she's out for a long time. Even though we don’t see much of the medical drama, we can assume she was very much at death's door. So, now Rios is faced with once again losing someone he feels somewhat responsible for. Someone he has actually gotten close to. And I think that moment and the fear it causes him might make him start to realize how much he actually cares about her.

And then when Picard and Soji are on board, they all sit down together and figure out the big mystery at the heart of season 1. And here is another thing Cris and Agnes find out they have in common: Both of their lives and minds got destroyed by Oh's machinations. Cris went against everything he believed in when he covered up what Vandermeer had done. He didn't actively kill anyone, but he feels like Vandermeer's death is his fault. His belief in the fundamental goodness of Starfleet was shattered when they threatened to blow up his ship. For Agnes, this kind of shattering of a truth she had clung to comes when she realizes she wasn't acting on the directive of the Head of Starfleet Security in a black-ops mission sanctioned by one of the most important institutions of the Federation. Instead, she was nothing but a pawn, used by Oh for nefarious purposes that had nothing to do with the greater good. The exact circumstances of their traumas are different, but they were both caught up in the same catastrophe and cover-up and it has marked them in similar ways.

I think this is one of the reasons Rios doesn't blame Agnes for killing Maddox. If anything, he gets more protective of her, e.g. by trying to stop Sutra from forcing another mind-meld on Agnes. You can see this in a more subtle scene, too: when Cris says goodbye to Agnes at Coppelius station, he reaches out to touch her face, but then he hesitates and proceeds with extreme gentleness and care. To me, that reads like someone very, very aware of the other person's trauma and possible triggers (forced mind-meld) and caring deeply about making sure she feels safe and has something good to counterbalance the horrible memories.

And finally, we clearly jump quite a bit in time at the very end of season 1. When our motley crew sets out from Coppelius, the Synth Ban has been lifted. Just imagine the bureaucracy that must have taken! That’s not something that can be overturned in a day. Also, Raffi and Seven have had time to connect, so I imagine in that time, Cris and Agnes, too, will have slowly figured out whether they're compatible and whether this relationship is something they might, very carefully and gently, endeavour together.

Because they have a compatible kind of humour, because they understand what it's like to feel deeply broken but to keep going regardless, because she's witty and quirky and he's caring and kind and they went through a very specific hell together, and they might be able to hold each other's hands as they slowly make their ways towards healing.

I’m going to do a metatextual thing here and quote an absolutely gorgeous drabble by @regionalpancake that, to me, encapsulates one very important aspect of the relationship between Cris and Agnes.

     Your Light On Me  

You’d forgotten just how it felt. To feel like you. A stranger, Last seen aboard the Ibn Majid. Proud, red trimmed shoulders, Bright pips, a polished combadge. You signed aboard, And found A different man signed off. You’re old enough to know, She cannot fix you. You wouldn’t want her to. That’s between Pops and you. That’s your work to do, Not hers. But Agnes? Preciosa. Something in her, Shines a light. Reminds you who you are. You have to find, Your own way home. But god, It’s nice, At last, To find, A gentle soul, To hold the lamp.

 Chapter 74 of Downtime

That. Right there. A gentle soul to hold the lamp. I think for me, that's what the relationship between Cris and Agnes boils down to.

They are broken people in a broken world, but by the end of season 1, they have found that they can hold each other while they try to put themselves back together. And what starts out as a fun, distracting flirtation, then turns into "meaningless" sex to stop feeling lonely and sad, finally becomes the beginning of a relationship built on shared trauma, but more importantly on kindness and charm.

I have no idea whether these two can make it work long-term, but I am very much on board for what we've seen so far, and I hope this can help a bit in explaining why.

NB: After I finished writing this a few weeks back, I remembered that there was a fic that came to very similar conclusions. Upon reread, I realized it essentially hits the exact same points I do here and does so absolutely beautifully. So if you want a truly touching in-universe perspective on this relationship, go and read Love Comes Softly by Be_Right_Back (@smhalltheurlsaretaken, or listen to the Podfic recorded by Thimblerig. I cannot recommend this fic highly enough!      

[captainamericasbeard]

Empathy Ch. 2

Pairing: Bucky x Empath!Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: nightmares, a little blood.

Summary: Y/N is an empath tasked with helping the Avengers but healing only comes if you want it.

A/N: Why yes I’m posting chapter 2 just 2 days after chapter 1. I have no self control. Tags definitely aren’t working so reblogs would be deeply appreciated.  If you’d like to be tagged just send an ask and I’d be happy to knock up a list.

Empathy MASTERLIST ll MASTERLIST

The door shut behind you and you heard Steves soft steps retreat. You looked around your new room and were grateful to see little homey touches. The bed was made with a clean, fluffy, white duvet. A few books had been placed on the bookshelf and there was a couch and tv. A sweet bouquet of flowers sat on the nightstand. Signs of welcome that did not extend to the team’s attitude. You sighed with a shrug of your shoulders. That was a problem for tomorrow.

You quickly emptied your overnight bag into the chest of drawers and your toiletries in the bathroom. You tossed your book onto the nightstand and flopped down in front of the tv. It had been an exhausting day and you were ready to switch your brain off for a little while. You flipped through channels pausing here and there but you found yourself unable to settle on anything. Instead your mind kept wandering back over the conversation after dinner. You had expected resistance, you were just a little sad about how much resistance you encountered. And while Bucky’s attitude was not unexpected it was disheartening. He was clearly in a lot of pain and wanted nothing to do with you. Your stomach did a little flutter when you thought of his blue eyes on yours and you rolled your eyes at yourself. It was just like you to crush on a man who actively hated the sight of you.

You gave up the tv and your pointless stream of thought and got up to change into your pjs and cozy up under the blankets with your book. You were soon lost in its pages, the thrilling tale pulling you in and washing away the day. Hours passed and eventually you realized the words were blurring together and you were having to reread sentences to make sense of them. You glanced at the clock on your nightstand and were shocked to find it read 2:30. You marked your place and put the book down. You turned the light off and rolled over and you were asleep in seconds.

What felt like moments later you were ripped from your sleep by an excruciating pain cutting its way through your stomach. Your eyes flew open and landed on the clock which only read 3:30. You barely registered the time before another wave of pain took over you and you squeezed your eyes shut to block it out. Your head was full of voices screaming and that’s when you realized this was no ordinary stomach ache.

“No stop! Please,” one voice begged.

“Please, please don’t kill me!” another voice begged.

You were inside Bucky’s nightmare and it was the last place you should be if you were ever going to earn this man’s trust. You rushed to block out the voices with your mind, closing them behind a door you knew you should never open. The voices stopped but your pain redoubled and you retched. You tried to get out of bed but you got tangled in your sheets and fell to the floor with a sob. As you lay there clutching your stomach and sobbing you heard doors fly open down the hallway. Your door was wrenched open flooding your room with light and blinding you. You felt someone kneel next to you.

“Don’t touch me!” you cried out in warning and there was a shuffle of feet as someone backed away from you.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” came Steve’s Captain voice. You opened your eyes and there was Steve standing in the doorway feet apart and fists clenched ready to leap into action. Bucky knelt close to you. His hair was matted with sweat and he was still breathing heavily. You met his gaze and he understood.

“I was having a nightmare,” he murmured. You nodded as tears continued to stream down your cheeks.

“I caused this?” Bucky asked. His features were lined with guilt.

“Bucky this is your own pain your looking at.” You wiped the tears from your face and sat up. The pain was subsiding now that Bucky was awake.

“Have you experienced something like this before, Y/N?” Steve asked.

“Not to this extent. When I’m reaching out to someone who’s in pain I can have physical symptoms. But I’ve never experienced it like this before,” you answered. You desperately wanted to beg Bucky to let you help him but you were afraid you’d scare him off. You were surprised he was even sitting here talking with you and making eye contact. The three of you sat in silence for a few moments before Bucky spoke up.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s not your fault,” you reassured reaching out to place a hand on his but he flinched and pulled back standing up quickly. “I’m sorry Bucky, I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“I don’t want you touching me,” he said, reverting to his gruff manners. With that he stalked out of the room. Steve moved aside to give him space and you both flinched when the door slammed.

“I wasn’t going to do anything I swear. I would never do anything to any of you without your permission,” you pleaded with Steve.  

“I believe you,” Steve said, “but Bucky’s not the trusting type.”

“I understand. He’s been through a lot. More than most,” you said.  

“More than you know,” Steve said. “Can I help you up?” he offered.

“Yes, you can touch me now. I’m calm.” You extended your hand to Steve and he pulled you to your feet. Your head swam and the room tilted so you quickly reached out to grab Steve’s shoulders. He held your arms and waited for you to steady.

“Sorry. I’m just a little rocky,” you explained.

"That’s alright. Let’s get you to bed,” he said. He wrapped an arm around your waist and moved you to the bed, throwing the covers back for you. You climbed in feeling achey all over and curled up in a ball letting Steve pull the covers back over you.

“Try to get some rest,” he said and you nodded feebly, your eyes already pulling closed of their own accord. Steve chuckled. “Goodnight Y/N,” he said, walking to the door and pulling it closed behind him.

…

It was late morning when you opened your eyes again and you still felt exhausted and tender all over. The night’s events had taken its toll on you. You dressed slowly in a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt from your alma mater. You grabbed your book and padded down the hallway towards the kitchen. It was Saturday so at least you didn’t have work to worry about. You planned on spending a thoroughly relaxing day on the couch with your book.

The kitchen was abandoned when you arrived though the evidence of a hurried breakfast remained. You fixed yourself a fresh cup of coffee in the french press and found some cereal in the cabinets. You ate standing against the counter waiting for your coffee to brew. You finished your cereal, placing the bowl in the sink for later and doctoring your coffee with cream and sugar.

As you snuggled into the couch with the coziest blanket you could find and took a sip of your coffee you realized just how quiet it was.

“Where is everybody?” you wondered out loud.

“The team was called away on mission early this morning,” came a calm, ambient voice. It was a testament to your agility that you didn’t spill coffee all over yourself in surprise.

“Who was that!?” you asked in shock, sitting upright.

“I am JARVIS. I run the house and can answer any questions you may have,” the voice said.

“Oh, ok.” You’d heard of JARVIS but had completely forgotten about him until this moment. “Um, when will the team be back,” you asked hesitantly. You weren’t sure what information might be off limits.

“That I can’t say with certainty, though it was not expected to be a long mission.” JARVIS answered.

“Ok, well, keep me posted if you can,” you replied.

“Of course, Y/L/N.”

You took a steadying sip of your coffee and tucked into your book. In the back of your mind you were nervous to see Bucky again after last night but you pushed those thoughts away. You read for a couple of hours until your neck started to ache. Getting up and stretching you decided to clean up the kitchen and take a shower. As you were stepping out of the bathroom, wrapping your hair in a towel, JARVIS’ voice came to life again. You were more prepared for it this time so it only mildly startled you.

“The team is 5 minutes out from the compound. You are requested in the medical bay,” he said.

“Is everything alright,” you asked, panic rising in your belly.

“Captain Rogers received some injuries that will be attended to but there were civilian casualties. Your services may be required.” Your heart sank into your stomach. You could only imagine how this would affect the team but you were about to find out first hand. You dressed in a rush and threw your hair up and out of the way before you set out for the medical wing.

You arrived just as the team was being helped through the doors. Everyone had a sullen expression on their faces. Sam was limping and Natasha looked pretty beat up but Steve was clearly worse off. He had an arm slung over Bucky’s shoulder and was bleeding freely from the side. Bucky got him over to a table where Steve sat down with a groan. Bucky caught your eyes.

“What are you doing here,” he asked. You felt like you were intruding on something private.

“My presence was requested,” you said defensively.

“By who, Fury?” Natasha asked.

“JARVIS, actually,” you said. Steve chuckled.

“Damn meddling A.I.”  Steve said.

A technician rushed into the room ignoring the rest of the team and focusing on Steve. They reached for a pair of scissors but Steve quickly held out his hand

“Can we not with the cutting? This is my favorite suit.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“He’ll be fine,” he said to the rest of the team and they moved through the room to the other beds to get checked over. Apparently this was a post mission routine. A technician came up to Bucky who tried to blow them off but they were insistent, attaching a blood pressure cuff to his arm and sticking a thermometer in his mouth before he could object. You took his distraction as an opportunity to get closer to Steve.

“You gonna be ok,” you asked worriedly

“I’ve been worse. Don’t worry, Y/N.” The technician had pulled his suit off to reveal a bullet wound. You looked away from the wound and back at Steve’s face to find him watching you intently.

“Why are you here, Y/N,” he asked quietly.

“I keep telling you, I’m here to help. JARVIS said… well he said things didn’t go well.” Steve’s face turned to stone and he looked away from you. “I can already feel your pain Steve, there’s no point trying to hide it from me.” He looked back up at you and the breath went out of your lungs. There was so much hurt in his eyes.

“I tried,” he whispered.  

“I know you did. Everyone knows you did.” You realized the attention of the team was on you once again so you chose your next words carefully. “Can I offer you some peace?” Steve held your gaze for a few moments before nodding. You reached down and locked your fingers with his calloused ones and closed your eyes. Slowly you reached out, letting him feel your presence in his mind. The pain of the day was fresh and right on top so you scooped it up and took it away. Your grip on his hand tightened briefly and a tear rolled down your cheek. You opened your eyes to find Steve watching you intently with a blissful look on his face.

“Sorry,” you said wiping the stray tear away with the palm of your hand, “emotional transference happens sometimes.”

“What do you mean,” Steve asked.

“I mean, it hurts a little,” you answered with a shrug.

“It hurts when you help us,” Bucky asked, his usual steely expression softened for just a moment.

“It always hurts,” you reply simply.

“Then why do you do it?”

“Because you’re in pain and I can take it away. Better?” you ask turning your attention back to Steve.

“Much. Thank you. I think I might actually sleep tonight,” he said with a small smile.

“Good. I’m glad to hear it. Rest up.,” you say patting him on the shoulder. The technician is finishing their last stitches as you turn to leave. You catch Bucky looking at you and his expression is unreadable. You smile at him softly and leave the team to the hands of the med bay techs.

TAGLIST (Just tagging those that showed interest in the last chapter.)

@alyxkbrl​ @sirenphrynne​

[ruby-whistler]

(quicksandblock) hi! I just left you a giant wall-of-text response on your Dream post, and though I think it came across well enough, I just want to state my lack of hostile intent over here as well lol. I know stuff like this that people feel strongly about can get very tense so I just wanted to make doubly certain you know I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything. it kind of sucks that I feel like I need to clarify that but that's fandom culture for you sometimes :P

also, I would love to talk to you about Dream characterization. I think I disagree with you on a lot of different points and I love his character, so I'm very interested in understanding your perspective!

hey, hello! found a c!dream enthusiast/enjoyer, that’s cool, hi! :]

[copied part i put in front of each reply, hence different capitalization]

Alright, so first as a quick disclaimer, I’m going to put a summary of the original post’s points, just to ensure that we’re on the same page;

The post does say:

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because it continuously hurts people who relate to and/or sympathize with him, also dehumanization in general is an inherently wrong mindset

- don’t attack people who sympathize with him because he’s a victim of abuse besides other things

The post never says:

- you cannot hate c!Dream and not sympathizing with him is wrong

- the things c!Dream has done are to any degree excused

- don’t dehumanize c!Dream because he’s a good person

- people who dehumanize c!Dream are real life abuse apologists

If you read the post and didn’t get these points from it, i advise you to reread it as I made pretty much all of these abundantly clear.

[end of disclaimer]

i never said anyone could infringe on his human rights! i… literally never said that! i said “they ignore” when characters do it, but that was a run-on sentence, i get how that might’ve been easily misunderstood. but yes, he’s a fictional character, i’d never said people could actually hurt him or anything in that sense.

the thing is, i still find them saying they enjoy it… wrong? the people yelling in tommy’s chat for c!dream to hurt him more were freaking victim blaming pricks, and if what they did was the widespread fandom opinion it would be hurting actual people with trauma. i ask people to look at the c!dream situation with the same severity, because it’s actually happening and it’s highly disturbing, not just from principle, but because of what it leads to within the community.

sorry for comparing his situation to c!tommy, but narratively i believe the prison arc is a deliberate parallel to exile, and comparing his situation to someone they’ve not dehumanized seems to be the only way to knock sense into some people.

i am happy you don’t seem to be one of the people who dehumanize him. you’re not the target audience of this post - neither are abuse victims who project onto him. i know people who c!tommy reminds of their abuser (because of personality traits), or even c!quackity, that’s fine. they’re totally free to hate their respective character, of course, without being,, actually right about them. that being said, majority of this fandom is dehumanizing c!dream and being mad at people sympathizing with him “on behalf of the abuse victims”, not actual victims themselves, and by doing this they are unknowingly hurting other people rather than helping anything, and spreading misinformation as well as making a lot of fans in general uncomfortable. i believe this is something that needs to change in the community.

hating him is fine, but group-based dehumanization in my mind is not. if you go on twitter and search “c!dream” and see 100 people saying they wish the abuse victim you project onto is hurt more (this is not a twitter thing, c!dream tag is the same thing, a majority of the crit is untagged but it,, doesn’t really matter because even tagged hate riles up more people) that freaking sucks and is something that the community needs to work on, not shoved under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there because some people tag it.

“the abuse victims who are hurt by people saying they should be sympathetic towards Dream are in fact just as hurt as the abuse victims who relate to Dream and are hurt by people saying his evil.”

this is not wrong. it’s right actually, but i’m not talking about this fandom calling him evil/unable to be sympathized with/irredeemable. i mean, that’s hurtful dehumanization as well, but this community doesn’t “say he’s evil” it “says he deserves to keep being horribly abused and/or die”.

and… i wasn’t talking about/saying abuse victims should sympathize with him either? i’ve said like five times that people can hate him as much as they want, but dehumanization is another thing. it’s the majority of this community (this post wasn’t targeting abuse victims in the slightest) taking away his positive human qualities, hence believing he doesn’t deserve human rights, and turning him into some sort of punching bag or personification of evil, which i find deeply disturbing since he’s being related to by abuse victims, and also blatantly incorrect to the character.

so, you’d be right, if the situation was what you described. it… really isn’t. the dream smp fanbase isn’t populated by abuse victims in any corner. it’s two small groups, one of them hurt (undeservingly) by a few and the other one hurt (no more or less undeservingly) by a majority of the fandom without anyone batting an eye.

and this post isn’t even about abuse victims in the first place; it’s about dehumanization. while its impact plays a big role in why i wrote this, things like these being widespread in the fandom makes so many people uncomfortable or pressured not to sympathize with a recently made sympathetic character that they might (but could not) relate to. relating to him myself, i might not have a say in this, but my compassion in general made me switch over to the c!dream sympathetic people, not anyone in the community or projection.

the results i relayed here weren’t the only results of the survery. people mentioned pandora’s vault as their reasons for being dream apologists,, over and over and over again. a lot of them mentioned the fandom response specifically.

it’s making the fandom not only unsafe to a small group of traumatized people, but also fans in general, who are equally as important to feel comfortable. hell, the reason dream apologists are such a tight-knit community that accepts little to no outside feedback is because of the hatred that is endlessly nurtured outside, that makes people feel anxious or not safe just for sympathizing with a victim of abuse.

i myself find this a problem that people should attempt to change beyond using crit tags more. feel free to not agree with that, but a lot of affected people do.

i agree the disc finale was actually cathartic! well, that’s a lie, i used to hate c!dream’s guts before that but that was the very instance where i saw a person behind the mask and went “oh, this is a whole mess isn’t it”, but it was,, cathartic to a lot of other people that didn’t use to have intense empathy to inanimate objects as children djskdjsk (i was a weird kid and still am, don’t mind that)

do you know what is cathartic? when a dog terribly bites a child, gets kicked away and gets put in a cage. do you know what isn’t cathartic? …that dog getting repeatedly beaten, starved and abused while trapped in said cage. even in fiction, and i say that as someone who was terribly bitten by a dog.

i don’t mind fictional characters suffering - frick, angst is my jam, i’ll write a character dying over and over again and have fun, but people justify that or make fun of people who don’t by saying openly that they enjoy it,, because he’s done bad things.

here comes the double standard. the exile arc wasn’t cathartic just because tommy burnt down a house, because hell, that wasn’t fair retribution. same goes for dream.

there is a difference between enjoying dark media (something i do frequently and is something i like doing) and open dehumanization and often normalized harassment of people who don’t do the same or condemn that. that is something that in my mind shouldn’t be a mainstream thing in the community.

to be fair, people saying an abuse victim no longer being hurt is “bad writing” or “insensitive” as i’ve seen people say would probably piss me off, but i’m,, not going to harass them. maybe a passive-aggressive vague-post if enough big accounts do it, but i think that’s justified. feel free to disagree - i still respect abuse victims who wouldn’t like that, but people who just don’t want the writers to humanize a character they’ve dehumanized will probably grind my gears.

this community,, isn’t working like this. i wrote this because people are repeatedly being hurt by the community or feel bad in it because of widespread opinions and dehumanization of a character that is as of late written to be sympathetic to the audience. that’s not a disagreement, the people who are actually sympathetic are a minority in the fandom, which would be fine with me, if they weren’t constantly invalidated, triggered and harassed as a direct result of the dehumanization discussed in this post.

besides the fact that the principle of dehumanization applied to c!dream is wrong - and if people find themselves doing that, it’s good for them to find a way to realize that, such as this post, because projection =/= dehumanization, and this post is targeting one, not the other - this is why i wrote this post. i still believe my points are valid and important for this fandom to consider.

you know, we could talk about the characterization right now - but after this i’m going onto a two month long hiatus for the sole purpose of studying the character. i’m not joking, this is what i’m dedicating my summer to. since i’m also closing my asks because of this, i can write this down and @ you when i’m done? :D i’d love to talk about him but i’m going to have so much more evidence after this, so maybe we can put this off for a while if you don’t mind! of course feel free to continue the dehumanization debate in a string of reblogs since it’s pretty much a different debate entirely.

( @zrenia @caketexturepack just tagging some people who responded to your response and might be interested in the continuation of the debate - also curious anon i saw your two asks i was just busy djsjdks please don’t spam about people who replied to me, i have a bad memory but i write this stuff down, actually )

[icharchivist]

cries think I made my ask too long so like half of it got deleted bc I typed it right into the askbox. anyways. I come bearing a3 thoughts! at first i was gonna watch the spring/summer and autumn/winter ones and then give my thoughts on both but. turns out i had too many thoughts lol? which i shouldve expected but i actually kind of... got bored by the first two chapters of this event! so i skipped and went to the stranger. and then went back. (1/?)

and then i got to like "tsuzuru and kazunari are having a fight?" and jumped on that like a starving wolf bc helllll yeah! i rly adored kazunari in sardine search, i think he was great! hes just so nice and has good vibes. he and taichi are kind of similar i feel? but i think their respective ages contribute to a lot of difference in their characters. why does it feel like this askbox limit personally wants me dead. (2/?)

anyways! i rly enjoyed the improv scene devolving to a real fight. admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event... it was still good tho. the scene i mean. (3/?)

also i rly liked tenma ragging on them afterwards. like he was mean but. first i adore tenma. second he just felt like. a different meddling type to muku lol? like the vibes he gave me were always like... im going to be a considerate leader and watch out for the ppl under me! therefore im gonna make sure theyre doing fine! aggressively. i think tenmas also just like a friendly person who likes to take care of others in general? like im not saying hes omi or anything but just like. (4/?)

that time he offers his car ride to juza so they can go to school together like hes surprisingly open compared to his initial prickliness. also ive got thoughts abt the tenma juza SSR conversation thing i read. one day ill make a tenma and juza fic and complete a trifecta haha... but thats something for another day! back to the actual story. the way tsuzuru dives right in after kazunari! that was so nice. like its easy to see how much they care abt each other. (5/?)

to the point where like even while theyre fighting theyre like angry but still like fairly quiet bc i think theyre both at least trying to be considerate of each other. ah the moment kazunari didnt respond to tsuzuru trying to talk to him i KNEW he was sick tho. felt proud of myself for calling that one but also the reason i knew is bc i have used the "character being sick during an argument causing them both to make up with each other" trope myself before so uh. like recognizes like haha. (6/?)

anyways the cg there was fuckin beautiful like kazunari looks so sad in the middle bit but then u see his shy smile? like hes sick but hes also like. happy to be there. idk. lovely. i adore kazu i think hes just deeply sweet to other people. tsuzuru telling him "you make everyone around you feel as bright and cheery as the things you design” is so wonderful too (7/?)

now im thinking. ah tsuzuru probably feels quite drained after a script and such (i know i am when i finish any piece--its like the emotions just rush out of me) so i like to think that like yknow. kazunari dropping by his room or whatever helps him set himself back to normal! but also when tsuzurus like oh u left ur magazines here! i suddenly remembered. wait shit kazunari and tsuzuru arent even roommates. wonder how much they bother masumi lmaooo. anyways overall very good story! (8/?)

some more thoughts: itaru and citron were so cute in this event! just like. citron saying itaru winking makes his heart skip a beat and itaru quoting citrons wrong sayings (which. i am also guilty of today i told my brother "we'll jump that bridge when we cross it" so) also i love how yuki is like "thank god i wasnt partnered with that hack" but like. yuki. u could literally just not talk about him. like its so funny to me yuki is like wow i hate tenma but he wont shut up abt him haha (9/?)

i also was a lil taken aback at hearing itaru go "for the lulz" tbh... like it fits him. but im mad it fits him? anywaysss thats all i had for this one! im gonna watch autumn/winter and go say my thoughts on that soon. sorry the ask was so broken up, idk what happened!

OLA FRIEND! Glad to see your thoughts again omg :3c

tho omg the fact tumblr deleted it all + the ask limit was all so evil D: poor friend.

I'm putting my answer under a read more because. Well. *waves hand* it got long.

The non-play events can be perhaps a little harder to get into because unlike the plays events that you start with a clear idea of at least the main plot (re: "they are preparing a play, i know the leads so i know who it will focus on"), non-plays events take a little longer to first set up what event they're participating in, how to prepare for it, and then bring up the conflict and which characters are going to have something to do with said conflict. So i can understand that they're a little harder to get into when we know the plays awaits.

On top of that, the first few events still were a bit tame because since it was early when the app released, i think they didn't go too heavy at once in case some people were still stuck on earlier chapters (esp since especially Winter is hard to unlock)

ANYWAY glad that it sucked you in on the second read :3c

So glad you were invested in that conflict!

Totally agreeing with you about Kazunari, and very good point about Taichi as well! they aren't the Puppy Pair for nothing :'D (Yuki took one look at both of them together and just Knew. His suffering knows no end (lovingly)). But yeah i think they have a lot in common, they both are the really bright and friendly figure, both also started in overcompensating a bit because both wanted to be popular in some ways.

But we do have, on one hand, Kazunari who wanted that rather late in his life while Taichi always thrived for that, the fact Kazunari made friends easily and it's just that he was scared of getting to the next level, while Taichi always struggled with this quest for popularity. In a way too both of them were at least scared to share a part of them, Kazunari worrying to show his thoughts, and Taichi being a spy and all of that... which impacts them really differently considering the guilt it puts on Taichi. And then you add their age into the mix, especially the fact Kazu is the oldest of his troupe and Taichi the youngest of his, it makes them fairly similar all while being fairly different.

both are so interesting to me and i love them bothhh, so it's always nice to see them have focus.

admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event

i love how you are seeing the patterns a3 tends to do it's so neat!

It's true the fight isn't really similar to their actual fight, though i do love that they had "swapped" their personality for the act and ended up insulting each other for theirr swapped personality. Like, Kazunari insulted part of himself in Tsuzuru's character and Tsuzuru did the same?? and then the fight escalated and the way Kazunari broke character hurts bc it's really that Tsuzuru hit where it hurts. But yeah it still wasn't too relevent to their actual fight, though i think the thing is that their fight was as such mostly because they tend to clash often due to their personalities rather than just this singular reason why, so to have the play go more "it's their personalities the problem" kinda hurt lol. But yeah still agreed that it didn't reflect much on the plot itself

I was rereading the improv bit to answer correctly and man since we're going to talk about Tenma next, i just. Love that when Kazunari, breaking character, his eyes sad, tells Tsuzuru "you have no rights talking to me like that..." it then cuts on Tenma being upset. Bc like. Exactly like you say, he wants to look out for the people under him. and like. Kazunari is his friend. A friend he also snapped at once and insulted for being who he was, so he probably could have relived a bit of his fight with Kazunari seeing those two fights; Except that now Kazunari is one of his closest friend and he doesn't like that.

Also like. It was also because he could still hide under the plot of the improv but it's so rare, and it never happened before that point, that Kazunari stands for himself in a "the way you treat me is unfair"? Like again re: his fight with Tenma, when Tenma snapped at him, while Tenma was unfair with him, Kazunari took the blame, called himself annoying and all yaknow?

The fact Kazunari is starting to accept that he can take more place for himself is something the whole Summer Troupe have been trying to help him work on, but especially Tenma. Tenma is always there trying to push Kazunari to say what he means, to express his feelings, to stop hiding.

And for once, Kazunari does that in front of everyone... and it's because he's breaking because of his fight with Tsuzuru.

I think Tenma probably felt it was even more of a reason to get involved like, this is the thing he's been working on with Kazunari about, and now he's being all hurt about it, not on Tenma's watch!

And i totally agree with your take on Tenma! (and would LOVE to read the Tenma and Juza fic once you get to it :3c). I think, Tenma is really caring and is trying to take a place as a caretaker and all, but unlike Omi, he has absolutely no reference for it.

Omi is the eldest of multiple brothers and everything indicates his parents have always been lovely to him. Add to it how he ended up leader of a delinquent crew he was clearly looking after, Omi has a history of taking care of people, of nurturing them, and he knows what he's doing. Meanwhile Tenma grew up on TV sets, mostly surrounded by adults and not by people his age, mostly getting advice from being ordered around by directors i think. And his parents are distant, hyperfocused on their job, not really nursing with him. So Tenma meanwhile really didn't have a family emotional support and was in situation where he couldn't befriend other kids his age. His only reference was probably Igawa (his agent) and i think for a long time he didn't exactly see it, and Igawa remained mostly professional so there was probably the idea of it not being sincere? That Tenma had to grow out of.

So like, they're both extremely nurturing and caring, but my point is that Omi has experiences in it and is at ease with it, while Tenma has been so alone and in places were he had no support system that even if he wants to support others, he still struggles with how to do it because he has no set exemple. And that's his development in the main story arc, to learn from how Izumi shows she cares in order to care back at them all.

Like i mean the way Tenma yelled at them about their mistakes at first feel like he would have picked it up from some directors on TV set yaknow? Probably hearing them say that with no consequences on others actors, seeing it worked, didn't think "that's an abuse of power and the actors probably all think badly of their director for that" but "wow that works", tried it on his troupesmates and realized this is... not how that works. And it's spending time watching how Izumi encourages them that have him fix his way to approach it.

So yeah i got lost too into it but like. I feel you on Tenma i love him so much and i love his development so to see him get pissed and involved there? was really nice. even if he was aggressive about it. He's still learning.

ANYWAY back to Tsuzuru and Kazunari, totally agree with what you say next. They still care a lot about each other and yeah they're at a point where this consideration they have for each other make their anger more quiet than trying to attack one another (Banri could NEVER-). so yeah totally agree with you!

DLKFJDLKF i LOVE the reasoning on "recognizing that Kazunari was sick". Your writer's powers making you see through... *coughs* unlike Tsuzuru....

AND YEAH ALL YOU SAY ABOUT THE CG.. YEAH. Kinda crying thinking about it again now LDKJFLKDJF It's just. Everything about it is so soft and tender. The things Tsuzuru tells Kazunari are soo so sweet sobs. They're just adorable i love those kids. and also i feel you for Kazu he's just that great huh?

The whole set up about Kazu dropping by his room is so so cute! I love it! Like probably the very first time Tsuzuru braces himself because "oh no i'm not in the mood to stand mister hyperenergy himself" but Kazunari quickly adjust his energy so that Tsuzuru can just recharge without being overwhelmed. Yes it would drive Masumi completely nuts. Which i think is a plus for Tsuzuru like, hey, if Masumi gets annoyed once in a while it's a win. But yeah also i think that Tsuzuru and Kazunari should really have the Artistic Soldiarity of Students in Art school Probably Working Until Very Late To Complete Their Projects. Would love if at the end Tsuzuru gave it back yaknow?

but yeah their story was really nice i'm so glad you liked it! :D

oh god yeah Itaru and Citron were SO cute in it too, i also love the comments Citron makes about Itaru's winks. Just there flirting in front of everyone like those two embarrassing friends huh. (probably with Muku being all starry eyes considering he greatly admires both Itaru and Citron and, well, Romance.). And yeah i love how Itaru ends up so much into Citron's rhythm (and this idiom you said? is glorious actually, 10 points for you)

DLKFJDLKF what a call out toward Yuki. "yes i hate Tenma,no i won't shut up about him, also if YOU say you hate Tenma i'm going to stab you with my needles, have a nice fucking day.". I love their dynamics so much aha

And yeah Itaru is there cursing us the whole time with the fact he's the greatest nerd ever and it fits him perfectly. It makes me laugh so hard.

Thank you so much for having shared your thoughts there! it's always a blast to read through them and i dearly enjoyed it! (+ it makes me relive the event a little and it makes me soft!)

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! So glad you had so many thoughts about all of this, what a blast.

thank you for sharing, and looking forward the Autumn/Winter reactions :3c

Take care!

[veliseraptor]

2020 Fanfiction Round-Up

I do one of these every year! And have since I think 2016. Can’t break a tradition even if it’s been a clusterfuck of a time and filling this out was in some ways an exercise in remembering the ways I have failed myself as a writer this year. 

But oh well!

Total Year-Long Wordcount: I’ll post the final final number tonight after I finish the writing I want to do this afternoon (and plan to do this afternoon), but it’s currently 451,803 words written this year. Guessing I’m going to land somewhere around 453,000ish. (AO3 claims a higher number than that but that’s because it is counting the entirety of fics where I posted chapters this year.

This year I wrote and posted: I wrote a fair number more than I posted (there are five fics finished but for various reasons unposted on my hard drive) but based on Tumblr I posted 78 posts in my fic tag, which, not including chapter specific updates and three sentence meme answers (but including at least two Tumblr-only longer fics), probably comes out to about 60 or so “full length” fics that saw the light of day in 2020.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted? 

Well, I wrote more than I did last year, which is sort of a surprise to me (all things considered) but also maybe not, because I was doing a lot less of most other things that could’ve been occupying my time, including two hours daily of commuting. 

But still less than I did in 2018. Which is fine.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? 

Lord, I don’t know. It depends on when you ask me. Lately I’ve been in a bit of a “I hate everything I’ve written ever” state of mind, so that makes it sort of hard to do any kind of...reasonable assessment. 

I know I’m proud of With Absolute Splendor but I have all these reservations about it and I can’t reread it for the most part because I always notice new things I wish I’d done differently. I feel pretty good about efforts in a common cause but something about it still makes me cringe, which I suspect has to do with my general self-consciousness. I have a hard time feeling unreservedly proud about...anything I wrote this year, really. 

I feel like the closest I get is maybe nor autumn falter which I am pretty pleased with and also which does hurt me a lot personally. Or I did end up overall pretty pleased with what came out of By Proxy.

But also the more I look at this question the more I start hating all my own work, so...guess this is kind of coming at a bad time.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I mean, I started writing in my first non-English fandom in many years, and specifically one where I was trying to engage more with the cultural background of the setting (in a way I wasn’t with, say, Death Note, when I was writing Death Note fic). So that was a risk. And I learned that it’s very stressful and there’s so many ways to make mistakes and I am, in many ways, a coward. But also I think I’ve learned a fair amount thanks to a lot of very patient people on the internet, so...there’s that.

Otherwise...I mean, I got ambitious with a few projects this year (the Big Bang fic and With Absolute Splendor stand out), but I’m not sure how much I really tried new things. 

I feel like I had to fight myself a little on writing straight up bad sex for By Proxy - I planned on it being hot, and it really wasn’t. It was mostly just miserable. Which made for a better fic, but was a new experience for me as far as ‘I thought I was going to write porn and that isn’t what I wrote.’

From my past year of writing, what was….

My most popular story of this year: 

By far, With Absolute Splendor. In fact, it has now become my second most kudosed fic of all time, behind only fuckin Life in Reverse. So like. That’s a thing.

(It is still less than half as many as Life in Reverse, but for context Life in Reverse has been around for going on eight years.)

Most fun story to write: 

Most fics where I feel like “I’m having so much fun writing this!” also go through a “oh god I hate this it’s terrible” phase which makes this sort of hard to assess. But I did have overall a lot of fun writing Mutual Friends despite all my frustration with the canon-wrangling I had to do to make it work in my head. 

But also I feel like both Retributive Justice and Embedded were in different ways deeply iddy fics that were just fun to write. That actually goes for a lot of the Whumptober fics. That was a very self-indulgent month. Excited to do it again in February (hopefully, if I can write things in a timely manner at all).

Story with the single sexiest moment: 

I feel like the beauty of your repair might be my personal favorite smut I posted this year, but I think my personal favorite that I wrote is in the big bang fic nobody will see until January. 

I feel like most of the sexiest moments I’ve written this year are in the porn fics I’m going to start posting in January also. But just generally I feel like the beauty of your repair is the sexiest thing I wrote and posted.

Most “Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: 

I mean, I Come With Knives is definitely up there. It’s not that wrong or anything, but it got pretty intense in some ways I wasn’t expecting. Mostly in how much blood got involved, which was actually more than I’d had it involved in a sex thing before! Kind of surprises me that I haven’t previously done more with bloodplay stuff but. Well. First time for everything!

I don’t think this was a year that really had any “wow, what the fuck, Lise” things in it. Nothing on the level of last year’s winner. I’m almost disappointed in myself.

Abattoir was definitely the story that generated the weirdest conversation and creepiest search questions, though, so it does get points for that. 

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: 

I feel like the writing of everyone else is spring bound was a lot of...me thinking through my Jiang Cheng feelings and specifically my Jiang Cheng post-canon feelings. 

the martyr, the victim was pretty formative in shaping how I think about both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji and their relationship with each other. It was the first fic I wrote that really dug into them in any way, I think, and definitely one that informed how I thought about writing Lan Xichen later.

Hardest story to write: 

I was thinking it was the one that I haven’t posted yet but I did technically finish, aka my Big Bang fic, the terrible threesome fic, the massive “I’m gonna keep everyone in the Yi City arc alive” AU that I started shortly after finishing The Untamed and finished in December. So I spent most of the year writing it.

But then I was like - no, I’m going to have to go with we live until we die even though it’s technically been ‘in progress’ for five years and really kicked into gear in 2019 and I just finished it and posted it this year, because that fic was like. The culmination of a big arc in an enormous verse dealing with a whole lot of balls in the air and trying to tie up a whole lot of threads. It was ambitious and the stakes were high and it was full of plot and action which are not two of my strengths...frankly I’m still amazed I pulled the damn thing off.

Biggest Disappointment: 

I think it is better if I refrain from going too in depth on this because it would just end up as me listing a bunch of my perceived failings. But I think off the top of my head I’m frustrated by the fact that I still haven’t really managed to write a XueXiao smut fic that quite hits the spot for me, myself. I’ve written two and for various reasons I don’t really like either of them. 

Biggest Surprise: 

The fact that my Jiang Cheng fic took off the way it did. Legitimately did not see that coming! At all! I mean, I’m delighted by it but it wasn’t what I saw happening as far as “niche I’d find in this fandom” or “thing I’d write that people would really enjoy reading.”

Particularly with By Proxy. That fic got a lot more attention than I would’ve expected. 

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: 

I feel like every fic I write with Xue Yang in it tells you something about me and most of those things are things that make me, on some level, deeply self-conscious, but I try not to think about that too much.  

I feel like the most telling story is maybe we all drift sometimes because I literally wrote it out of a depressive episode about a bad brain day but that wasn’t unintentional.

Favorite Opening Line(s):

1. So it turned out that if you touched the tendons of a dead person’s wrist and channeled a little bit of spiritual energy just right, it made the fingers twitch and curl like they were still alive. (Abattoir)

2. Here’s the thing: your Daozhang is glorious when he kills. (tear out all your tenderness)

3. Turned out that a sect leader’s head came off like anyone else’s. (Unnatural Selection)

4. The first hint that anything had gone awry was the letter from Lan Wangji (His Excellency Hanguang-jun, pardon me) that simply said have you heard from Wei Ying? (some good mistakes)

5. What Jiang Cheng wanted to do, more than anything, was to go home and take a nap. (everyone else is spring bound)

Favorite Line(s) from Anywhere:

I usually keep this to 10 but because I’ve been in such a :| place about my own writing I indulged myself this once.

1. Sometimes it felt like all he had done since descending the mountain was shatter his own dreams and accumulate regrets. (nor autumn falter)

**

2. It felt like she was holding all the components of a bomb in her hands, half assembled. If she moved the right way they would stay just that: components. But if she moved the wrong way… (til my judgment day)

**

3. He should have killed him. Should have been the one to strike that blow, in revenge for Jin Zixuan and their sister and everyone else dead for Wei Wuxian’s pride. Maybe then there would not be this gnawing, aching thing embedded in his chest; this itching, unfinished feeling. Maybe then he would not feel torn in two, sometimes like he should have reached out with his other hand and sometimes like he should have struck truer and sometimes both, in the same moment. (Interstitial)

**

4. He owed Wei Wuxian more than he could ever give back in this lifetime. Forgiving him felt like betraying his sister’s memory. Not forgiving him felt like trying to walk with a thorn in his foot. He was just - stuck, caught like a demon in a spiritual net.

Jiang Cheng thought of the way Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Wangji, with warmth and trust and love, and the aching, sick jealousy he had no right to feel returned. He felt a little like a child watching someone pick up a toy he’d abandoned and suddenly realizing that he wanted it back. (everyone else is spring bound)

**

5. You close your eyes and think about how he looked back in that town, Shuanghua slicing clean through a man’s neck, opening it to the spine, and think dizzily that he could open you like that and it’d be good, as long as it lasted. (tear out all your tenderness)

**

6. When Wangji loved, he loved with his whole being, without reserve. And now he had been placed between the rock of his convictions and the hard place of his devotion to Wei Wuxian. (the martyr, the victim)

**

7. He spent a week turning the idea over in his head. Studying it like a corpse he was going to dissect, poking at it, cutting it open and examining its insides. (dead reckoning)

**

8. When the world hurt you, that was the only thing to do, after all. Hurt it back, harder, worse. Spill rivers of blood for every drop it squeezed from you.

And when the end came, never go quietly. (the blood in your mouth)

**

9. I would stand with you through the end of the world, said Loki’s voice in his head, and Steve’s heart wasn’t in his chest anymore, was somewhere off on another planet where Loki was lying dead in a ruined city. (we live until we die)

**

10. Was it always going to be like this? Stumbling into traps, tripping over familiar skeletons, slicing himself open on the edges of old hurts. Was there really such a thing as leaving the past behind? He still felt stuck in it, unable to move, and every time he thought he might be finally dragging himself free something pulled him back. (With Absolute Splendor)

**

11. His chest was full of poison. His throat was full of grief. And he was still a little drunk.

Jiang Cheng went to his room, sat down on his bed, put his face in his hands, and cried until he couldn’t breathe. (By Proxy)

Top 5 Scenes from Anywhere You Would Choose to Have Illustrated:

I think the scene from nor autumn falter of Xiao Xingchen just crying his heart out over Xue Yang’s dead body would be up there.

The Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian hug from the end of With Absolute Splendor.

Okay, just gonna say it: Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao having sex by the table with Nie Mingjue’s headless corpse on it. So sue me.

The scene in the blood in your mouth where Song Lan has stabbed Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen is following the line of Fuxue to the latter. I have a very clear visual of it in my head and if I could art I’d art it.

Xue Yang with the hallucinatory Xiao Xingchen from liberate spirits, liberate souls.

Fic-writing goals for 2021:

Finish Walking Far From Home.

Maybe I’ll finish some of these MCU WIPs? I’d kind of like to, on an abstract level if nothing else.

Become a more well-adjusted human being about the relationship between my productivity and my self-worth.

[ostrichlady]

THOUGHTS AND RAMBLES ABOUT SNK CHAPTER 139 (SPOILERS!!)

Rating of this chapter: Lukewarm tea.

And everyone knows lukewarm tea tastes bad.

I do think the best way to deal with this chapter is to not overanalyze it. Read it once, call it quits and move on. I did that and felt great the next day. But because I spent too many years of my life in this story, of course the thoughts came back and there are a few things I need to say before leaving this story behind.

I never wanted a happy or tragic ending. I never wanted for everything to be solved neither for everything to end on a depressing note. The only thing I ever asked for was that the finale was fair and made sense.

But unfortunately, what happened was the exact opposite.

Everything that happened after the 3 years time skip was a big whatever and the only thing that comforts me is that Armin is alive, and Historia seems happy with her child. 

I still don’t understand why Reiner and Annie were so easily accepted. I mean, at least Reiner showed huge amounts of regret and we saw how he dealt with the trauma that everything caused to him (although now he's back to being a creep for Historia? Ew). But Annie? She herself admitted she would do the same shit all over again no problem, and why was she tearing after talking to Eren in the PATHS? Didn’t she say a few chapters ago that if they had to kill him, she wouldn’t hesitate and was almost judging Mikasa and Armin for not thinking the same way? Excuse me Annie, but what made you so emotional all of the sudden? 

Then we learn that the world is still a very dangerous place for Eldians and Paradis; the yeagerists are in charge of the military force and will swoop the alliance’s ass very easily if they find them chilling outside. And my question is: killing 80%of the population lead to this? Really? At any moment, Eldians can be exterminated, this is even worst than before!? They don’t have proper military training, the world still doesn’t like them and the alliance ambassadors or whatever are not very liked either sooo...I truly don’t understand the point of this. Now, don’t get me wrong: I never liked the Rumbling plan because as Hange said, "There's never a good enough reason for committing genocide", and I also always believed the Rumbling would make everyone else hate Eldians even more. But if 80% of people had to have their lives taken, at least don’t let it go to waste!?

Anyways, going back to when they’re still at war.

So Eren went around everyone’s mind and now everyone cries for him. A little late, but sure.

Everyone who was transformed into a titan is back, making the previous chapter be even more useless. Imagine reading the volume, get some shock value with Jean, Connie and everyone else becoming titans just to turn the page and they are back. I mean, I thought it was really unfair Jean died (and I hope he’s not arranging his hair for when they meet Mikasa) but having him and everyone else coming back like this is just....dumb? 

The fact we had Eren’s intentions explained this way makes the whole situation even messier. From his conversation with Armin to the road trip he did through people’s memories, it was just a big dump of information that did nothing but pull out a wtf from me. I think it would be a lot better if we saw a POV like the one from chapter 131, more honest and raw being that we would be seeing his true thoughts with no outside opinions and questioning. But this whole mess felt so, so displaced that for two seconds I wondered if they were all going crazy, Eren included. 

And I will never accept that Eren “killed” his mom for the sake of whatever the heck this became. Just no. Carla was Eren’s most important person, the one who said he was special simply for being born, and you want to convince me she had to be pulled into this mess because of some weird shit Ymir had going on with Mikasa, and Eren had to follow through?? This was cheap shock value that didn’t even shock because of how nonsense it is. The scene in which Eren asks Reiner why did his mom have to die lost all of its value and weight. How can one rewatch or reread snk, see the tragic and emotional scene where a 10 year old kid cries and screams as he see his mom be EATEN BY A TITAN and feel anything at all? Honestly, what a disrespect to Carla. Someone should have told her Yeagers can’t be trusted.

Speaking of Yeagers: Grisha, your kids are a mess. Come take responsibility for this-

Besides the fact that Zeke was killed for absolutely NOTHING, Eren’s character became a joke on a dozen of panels. More than angry, I’m shocked with how Isayama pulled this off. From having one of the best MC in modern shounen to having a pathetic little idiot that doesn’t know wtf he’s doing and has an intense unresolved crush on the girl he’s always had zero chemistry with. Legit I would be less surprised if he said he had a crush on fucking Connie, for god’sake. All of his motives, ideals and determination were sacrificed in sake of complete obnoxious notions of love I’m not even gonna ramble about here. And don't come at me with the whole "Oh bUt hE's JuSt A tEeNaGeR aNd DoEsN't UnDeRsTaNd HiS eMoTiOnS aNd WaS hIdInG hIs LoVe FoR mIkAsA". That's a cheap explanation for a cheap argument for a cheap mess that makes no sense. If you’re an Eren stan, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened but I feel your pain.

Last but certainly not least: Mikasa and Ymir.

I could say so much about these two but to sum it up: what a miserable duo. I’m not head over heels for Mikasa but I thought she had her place in the story and could have had some good character development. But ever since the timeskip, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen and it really didn’t. If Isayama chose this way for her because there’s a message between the lines, I don’t care because this was the last chapter and we all wanted answers. So we’re working with what we have laid down plain which is: Mikasa had a miserable ending, can’t let go of Eren and is stuck in the past. Her so called “selfless” love and obsession towards Eren is a very unhealthy response to her own traumas. This connection between her and Ymir just proves even further what I said as both of them are devoted to a love that never gave back and deeply hurt them in more ways than it’s apparent.

And still on Ymir’s topic, I don’t understand why she now has stockholm syndrome towards that nasty, disgusting, waste of human being king when the plot was setting her up in a complete different direction!? That whole talk of Eren finally freeing her from being a slave to the royal family, and giving her the chance of choosing her own path, where did all of that go!? What was that chapter for!? All of this buildup just because she was waiting for Mikasa?

Where has the entire talk about “everyone deserves freedom because they were born into this world” go? Why has a theme bigger than any of the characters gotten reduced to “waiting for Mikasa to decide herself about her feelings ‘cause omg tragic loooovee story”??? This just makes the deaths of everyone, and the scouts look completely useless. That Ramzi kid really died for this...

I swear, what a mess.

Overall, if you read this chapter in one go and then sigh relief as snk is finally over, this ending will probably be okay or just meh. I’m not angry or anything near that. Just disappointed and shocked that these two last chapters were this bad. Again, even if there are hidden messages between the lines, this is the last chapter and we shouldn’t have to be debating that. It’s okay to pull out a bunch of foreshadowing and questioning and whatnot in your story but to leave things in the open with the most weird messages and morals on the surface is just...blergh.

[sukirichi]

[ BROKEN RECORDS ; asks ] 

💌 — love letter from @kyriaan​

from track 007. 

Okay okay im still kinda meh'ish' but i really wanted to answer you so 😭 ill try to compile both my answer to your answer on my love letter and my hyped review on track 7 <3 so yeah another long ass rant from me 😩💕Suki... Suki pls I totally forgot Tsumu had a crush on us Suki... And then poor Tsumu ir there sulking cause he still likes u- JFBFBDVDVSJCHDHSIA omfg i wanted so much to hug him my baby I like him so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and he was trying so hard to behave while just sitting there sad fhfhfvbbshsjfhbdjaofhffhsoshd TSUMU YOU'RE STILL IN MY TOP 3 BABY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 

And then you throw the whole dancing scene with suna and I dont know whos on my top 3 anymore 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 SUKIIIIIIII THAT SCENE ALONE GJGJBFBSJCNFNKSOSNF OMFG IM FALLING SO HARD FOR SUNA I THINK? I think my top 3 had 4 dudes in it cause 3rd place has Suna and Atsumu tied?? Hfhfbfbfhdhsja I CANT PICK?? BUT BUT I WAS FEELING STUPIDLY DOWN WHEN READING THAT AND THAT SCENE ALONE MADE ME FEEL SO SOFT IT WAS SO CUTE AND OMG IF SUNA DID THAT TO ME I WOULD DROP ON MY KNEES AND ASK HIM TO MARRY ME CAUSE OMFGGGFFFF DUDE EVEN WENT AHEAD AND SAID THAT WHOLE 'HES GOING TO BE ONE LUCKY GUY'

Oh shit im crying again that scene lets me emotional 😭😭😭😭 someone get me a sunrin irl pls

Anyways the way that suna knows y/n is just.... FUCKING END UP TOGETHER ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST JBVSHSJBEHSISJ

Also how powerful are we?? HOW FUCKING POWERFUL ARE WE TO SCORE SUNA KITA AND TSUMU?? ARE YOU GONNA TELL. ME IF OIKAWA MOFO TOORU APPEARED HE WOULD ALSO BE ON HIS KNEES FOR US?? (okay no wait... No nooo i would legit drop anyones ass for tooru hes that powerful for me like sorry suna was fun but TOORU)

Yo nah but the whole Kita sex scene- let me breath bestie LET ME BREATH CAUSE I WAS HOT BUT AT SAME TIME I WAS FEELING GUILTY 😂😂😂😂 ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS FEELING DISAPPOINTED NEXT DAY LIKE KITA PLS BABY WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?? 😬😬😬😬 But at same time his 'ill fuck the thought of him out of you tonight' I ALMOST MOANED YASSSSS TELL ME DADDY HOLY SHITTTTT

👀👀👀👀 Still not a kita simp ✌️✌️🤏✌️

Okay Kita deserves the best tho I mean okay he went there as a y/n mom's plan but he did ended up helping alot... Especially cause he knows no matter what y/n heart will always be suna's and pls give Kita the best ending possible cause he deserves someone who will trully love him and show him the world cause mah boy deserves it

*breaths in breaths out* i hated this scene- not in a bad way but shit i hate rejections... To the point im kinda afraid of confessing now cause i despise the feeling of being rejected... The best i can descrive it it like this coldness in your chest that descends your whole body and then you feel frozen in place.. Thats how it feels for me I hate it I absolutely despise it- its also the feeling i have when in a really bad situation and ugh...

The suna part made. Me feel this no matter how many times i reread it the feeling doesnt lessen it keeps being there cause (okay you probably are tired already of me saying this but) Suki I feel like I cant put it in words how much of a fucking good of a writer you are. Ill go ahead and say you are by far my favorite writer the fact i always feel so engaged and the fact i always feel like im there its just- it blows my mind.

I felt like suna was personally rejecting me and i hated it- i swear the moment he said prove it I almost screamed HOW? My brain had to take a moment to just slap me and say: 'kya you reading this is not happening chill-' cause i was already sobbing uncontrollably... I even whimpered the dont leave me 😬 my sadass went to bed feeling so sad thanks to suna... Man i wanted so much to hug him and i swear i would give him as much love as he gave y/n cause well i kin suna alot in this series cause im like that im a giver i treat others the way i would like to be treated (reason why ive been down lately ✌️) and i cant blame suna for finally setting boundaries- his call tho 'do i not stand a chance with you anymore y/n? Are you really not capable of falling in love with me?".... Oh suna... We are in love with you.. We always were we're just fucking stupid 😩

Also mari pls go jump off a cliff <3 youre in need dear cause sleeping with other man just to separate suna and y/n <3 i want so much to punch her 🙂🙃

Now for the love letter part (im so sorry for this being so long ✌️)

You said that if we asked suna he woukd say that he genuinely loved mari okay... Ill go ahead and say yes he liked mari he even learned how to love her and he genuinely cared for her BUT and heres where my personal view comes in so maybe ill be biased here still for me that was just a he loves her as in he cares you also love your friends and care for them but he didnt love her- and by this I mean- he could never be fully committed for her. Yes he loved her and he felt happy with her but like track 7 proved everything he would do in the back of his mind was y/n he deeply wished Mari was her and for that he just loved Mari cause he learned how to care about her- but he never forgot who he trully was in love it. Also the happiness he experienced with Mari was pretty much the one I experienced the bliss of having someone there and that bliss also made suna turn a blind eye to all the red flags from Mari cause to him all the jealousy meant she cared and thats toxic but suna was so desperate for some sort of 'she cares' that even all the possessiveness was bliss for him... And that makes my heart clench for suna...

'suna had to put an effort for the relationship' and saddly i feel like mari didnt... Mari didnt care mari was there because she was a fangirl of suna and got lucky, the way she just discarded him so effortlessly that proved-screamed how much she loved him- she didnt. She was just possessive over him she liked the whole 'hes mine' dynamic and suna was the perfect boyfriend cause he was giving her the world... What he wanted someone to do for him.

Also yeah suna and y/n might have been spurred from them being fuck buddies but well love doesnt really have an agenda- they just clicked, understood each other and had chemistry yeah they had tons and tons of sex but feelings started not because of sex but thanks to their deep connection... Also that dsncing scene in track 7 that alone spoke for their whole relationship- that alone is enough to defend their feelings for each other- yes it might jave started just as fuck buddies but ended up in them loving each other deeply and that is enough love after all doesnt need a perfect start. It can start out of the most stupid ways.

You said life with excitement and fun wouldn't be permanent or real.. Honestly i think it could be.. Cause i mean when you love someone that deeply your life always feels exciting even with the littlest things and that the purest kind of love. Even just going for a walk at the beach would be fun for them or even staying up watching movies i believe suna and y/n would always find a way to make their lofe exciting without much effort.

Also it kinda makes me. Sad when i see some anon saying that y/n and suna relationship are toxic? It makes me. Confused maybe because I was in such extremely toxic one (girl i sweat if you search for toxic relationship my ex's face will be there as an example 🙄) that Mari to me screams toxic! Possessive, manipulative, jealous and a few more if I think closely about it while with y/n and suna they are just two idiots that are hurting each other cause they're just that: idiots one that is afraid to get hurt and the other that keeps hoping- dont get me wrong what they're doing is not healthy but i dont find it toxic honestly

Sorry for the extreme long rant 8D I tried to keep it short but you always make me so hyped to talk about your works 😩

Hfbfbfhfhfieia

[ from saeren ]

NAHHH CUZ I LOVE TSUMU SO MUCH HERE HE WAS SO PRECIOUS. I didn’t write too much about them in college but Atsumu was so cute when he crushed on YN. he was always sending her memes and cute texts like “have you eaten” “good morning” and she’d feel so awkward because she doesn’t know how to let him down easy without hurting him. either way tsumu would feel hurt. AND YES PLS HE WAS SO SAD I MEAN, HIS CRUSH AND HIS BEST FRIEND NEARLY HAD SEX RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM SO THAT’S GOING TO HURT

SUNA AND ATSUMU TIED?? tbh I loved that dancing scene bcos suna is one of my faves and I really wanna do that with him hehehhehe. NAHHH PLEASE SAME IF SUNA DANCED WITH ME AND MADE A WEDDING PLAYLIST I’D BE LIKE boy what’re u waiting for let’s get married now !! n yes he said whoever YN will choose in the future will be one lucky guy IM SOBBING RN

naur cuz. there’s something about dating your best friend. I’m not saying a boyfriend wouldn’t know you as well but there’s something different when you’re best friends first. they could literally share eye contact and have a long ass conversation just from that. their connection is different.

HAJKALA AS FOR THE POWER, BR! YN IS A VERY CHARISMATIC AND FRIENDLY PERSON !! she’s like one of those people you meet that not only are they attractive as hell, but they’re also super approachable and down to earth. that’s why she’s so popular + she’s flirty and can make a stranger feel welcome or comfortable in the first meeting. SGSHJAK I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING TO ADD OIKAWA HERE BUT I WANNA MAKE IT MORE INARIZAKI CENTRED

the seggs scene with kita SOBSSSS he’s such a soft dom IDC he knows where the clit is, he knows how to hit it. he’s a “your pleasure first before mine” type of guy. kita is perfect, PERIODT. HE GIVES DADDY VIBES HUH AHSKAA HE’S SO SWEET YET SEXY IM IN LOVE WITH HIM ISTG IF SUNA WASN’T OUR BEST FRIEND THEN I’D RUN FOR KITA ALL THE TIME. and I agree, kita deserves the best !! and don’t worry, I actually plan on giving kita the best ending, I promise you he’ll be fine (slight spoiler there)

 YESSSSS OMG I’VE BEEN REJECTED BEFORE AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FELT, MY BODY WAS SO COLD AND I WAS SO CONFUSED LIKE IT MAKES YOU THINK. am I not good enough, did I do something wrong, do you not wanna give me a chance or try it out but ofc I’d never say that out loud. AND KYAAA AAAH IM YOUR FAVORITE WRITER??? NO CUZ YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. I remember ur asks way back reckless era and you used to tell me that my writing made you picture the scenes easily and you felt you were there in that moment and I’m just so grateful thank you so much <33

NO BCOS WHEN SUNA SAID “prove it” I was like. this is it. that’s his hot boy shit moment. man’s has had enough of being thrown from one toxic relationship to another and he also deserves his good moments yknow. and you kin suna here?? BESTIE IM SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SUNA’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT HERE AHSJAKA. that’s true about suna tho !! he’s definitely affectionate + a giver. he’s happy being the one who gives most of the time but he’s a human as well, ofc he’d want to receive the same amount of love back. ALSO HIS PHONE CALLLLLL ugh tbh that part was the one that made me the saddest bcos he’s just. he wants to know if there’s really no more chance. all this time he never gave up. but he’s also tired so if yn says ‘no more’ then he’ll give up. its his way of respecting himself too ahsjaka

YOOOOO I AGREE WITH THAT. he cares for mari as a person but not 100% as a lover. but ofc he’s still thankful for how happy she made him because she was there at his worst. and that’s true, deep down suna still wishes that it was YN who’s right beside him. he will always ALWAYS want her back. he learned how to love mari in a way that was more out of mutual care but not in the way he loves YN. no that’s reserved only for YN – she will remain no 1 in his heart. AND YESSSSS the reason why suna overlooked the red flags was bcos to him, its something that was supposed to be “normal” like no perfect partner existed. he thought mari’s attitude of pushing YN away was normal, and its normal to want your partner’s best friend keep some distance but not to the point of mari’s place where she literally wants the two of them to cut each other out of their lives.

and aww I’m so happy that you realized how I wanted to portray suna and yn’s relationship. they’re….like the definition of youth in its freest form. they were fucking around and doing stupid things, but they had a connection. they had something deeper than just sexual intimacy. even if they never dated or even if YN never proposed the idea of it, they would’ve actually been still great friends. and oooh I actually don’t remember saying life with excitement and fun wouldn’t be real HAHAHAHA so I can’t comment further on that. but I think when I ‘said’ those I probably meant that it’s not always going to be all rainbows and unicorns in a relationship. there’s no such thing as a relationship that’s always happy and sweet 24/7, but ofc it can be sweet and it can be pure even with the little things <33 they just need to work on it.

hmmm tbhhhh… suna and yn are toxic in a way that they refuse to let each other go when they clearly can’t meet halfway. toxic doesn’t have to be limited in just being mari-like in which they are possessive or manipulative, because then if we’d drive deeper into yn’s personality, then she’d be stringing suna all along and that’s unfair of her. she knows suna wants more and yet she remained being friends with him, which totally isn’t a bad thing, but it’s because she keeps flirting with him and is so romantically comfortable with him that she doesn’t realize it’s hurting suna because he’ll give double meanings to that. their relationship is ‘toxic’ because they’re not entirely good for each other, they’re not that ready to be with one another yet and neither is the world letting them be in peace, so forcing their relationship to a point they’re hurting another is the toxic part.

[ from @kyriaan ]

Ah also not me feeling all proud and mushy cause my analysis made you mind blown fjfbdnsjdkpa 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I guess its also because i see this story as a really big mirror of my own toxic relationship sonits extremely easy for me to get it... And oh boy the way i kin suna here

But dhdhfjdospdhfbsoa 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel happy now *huggles*

[ from saeren ] 

and aah yes ofc, I’m really happy whenever someone can see the underlying details I scatter throughout the story !! yeah omg same hahahaha broken records is also half inspired by the toxic people I’ve met. I kin kita here tho and I’m so glad you’re happier now !!

[theschizoidblog]

Snape, the Schizoid

Blog 4: 30/07/2020

While I usually write about how Schizoid personality disorder affects me, I think there’s a lot to be learned from drawing comparisons to fictional characters. In fact, before I got my diagnosis, I was writing fanfiction in which I poured very large portions of my soul and very being, often without realizing I wasn’t really writing about other characters, but I was exploring my own inner self. I loved writing about outcasts, about recluses and sometimes I didn’t know if I just was in a sort of love with the characters I wrote about, or if they were me.

At the age of 18, we’re talking about 2001 here, I got into Harry Potter. And with that I mean: I got into Severus Snape. Described as an ugly git and a mean bastard, I still loved him to pieces. (And Alan Rickman portrayed him beautifully, RIP)

And here might be the reason why he lured me in straight away: Snape is a schizoid, like me. And that only clicked when I got my diagnosis a few months ago. 19 years after first encountering the character. And after rereading some of my own fanfictions, I started realizing that what I’d described as Snape’s problems and needs in those stories, were my own. Strange how that works!

In this blog, I’m going to run over some traits of SPD (schizoid personality disorder) and explain how Snape fits into the criteria.

This post serves three purposes:

To people who have no idea what schizoid personality disorder is, this is a means to familiarize yourself with the disorder by exploring the traits while you imagine a character you already know.

To people with schizoid personality disorder, this is just meant to be a fun little blog where maybe you can recognize some traits of yourself. No worries, I have not forgotten we’re all on a spectrum and each schizoid is different.

To fans of the Harry Potter novels, I hope that you come to realize that people can identify with flawed characters for very personal reasons. Don’t be mean to fictional characters (unless they’re Umbridge I guess XD), because you never know who identifies with them. Your rejection of a character can feel like the rejection of a person who struggles with the same things. Anti-culture, in all fandoms, has to end. It’s not adult. It’s not wise. It’s mean. It’s exhausting.

I also feel like I need to make a statement about JK Rowling’s intent: I doubt she knew what SPD was when she wrote Snape. She said she based him off of one of her old teachers – no idea if that man had SPD or was just generally unpleasant. The way that Snape matches SPD is eerie though, just like Luna matches schizotypal personality disorder rather well. (More on that later.) An actual psychologist might disagree with me and say “No he’s not schizoid because….” – and hell, I’d love to hear it. I don’t mind it if this post, written by a schizoid but not a psychologist, starts a discussion that will help people understand the disorder even better, even if I’m wrong in assessing Snape. Or if we can learn to understand Snape better because of me being wrong, that’s also a win-win situation.

Ready? Let’s dive into it!

Cause

SPD is said to be caused by a combination of genetics and environment – as is the case with many other personality disorders. But ask around in schizoid groups, and most will tell you that there were issues in childhood with abuse, lack of warmth or understanding at home, or the presence of a “bad parent”. According to webmd: “Some professionals speculate that a bleak childhood where warmth and emotion were absent contributes to the development of the disorder.”

We all know that Snape’s early childhood was not a happy one. He had an abusive muggle father and grew up at Spinner’s End, the opposite of what you could consider a happy childhood home.

When you grow up in a loveless home, it ruins a lot of your own enjoyment of life. You get trust issues, you become awkward, and so when Snape finally arrives at Hogwarts, he gets bullied. He’s already rather isolated (he only had Lily), and they picked on him because kids can sniff out weaknesses and he was an easy target.

The bullying did nothing to stop the disorder from developing further. Many schizoids have gone through bullying themselves, and it does nothing to help you grow closer to human beings as you get older, quite the opposite, a bond of trust is broken and it’s incredibly hard to heal that. You’ll be suspicious of everyone you meet once that sort of thing happens. The more bullying you receive, the more you hate the world as you grow up. Maybe that’s not true for all people or all schizoids, but I bet some can relate.

You might say: “But Harry also got bullied at the Dursleys and he turned out fine!” Well, I guess he did. That’s the thing with many heroes – their tragic backstories make them poster boys of “look what they overcame and how he saved the world!” – but it’s not that realistic, and if you’ve got a genetic predisposition to develop a personality disorder instead, you’re screwed. Let’s also not forget that Harry’s first year in life was a very loving one. The very first year in a child’s life is crucial, and if things go wrong in early childhood, that leaves scars that most people carry with them for the rest of their lives. Snape never had that steady sort of home, not even for one year, or if he did, there’s nothing to indicate he did.

Diagnosis Criteria

Okay, time to get digging! According to the DSM-V, you need to display at least four symptoms in order to be diagnosed with SPD. Also keep in mind that these traits need to be present for longer than just a few months or a year or so. You might recognize some of these traits as something you’ve gone through yourself if you’ve ever been depressed – it’s when these traits last for what seems like your entire adult life, that a diagnosis with the disorder can be made. (I’m also not familiar with every other trait of every other disorder in the DSM-V, so as I stated in the beginning, it’s possible that other personality disorders are even more fitting of Snape, but that I just don’t know them yet.)

The seven criteria are:

Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Always chooses solitary activities

Little or no interest in sex with other people

Experiences little pleasure from activities

No close friends other than immediate family

Indifference to criticism or praise

Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

➤ Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

While this is usually at the bottom of the list, I want to put it on top. This is what they also call “flat affect”. You can give us a present, and it might seem like we’re not truly grateful. We may laugh with a joke, but the light never reaches our eyes. Emotionally, it doesn’t seem to an outsider like there’s a lot going on, and if it is, it’s going on so deeply within our souls we’re hardly aware of it ourselves. Think of Snape’s monotonous voice when talking. Now Alan Rickman is a brilliant actor and emotes with very very small signs sometimes, and it’s not like when talking to me, you’re talking to a wall. (But my empathic mask makes me appear rather normal to most folks.) (I don’t think Snape has a mask like that.) Other characters that have schizoid traits are, for example, Mai from Avatar the Last Airbender or Geralt of Rivia from the Witcher. If you know and visualize these characters, you may understand better what I mean with the “lack of emotional expression” then. Also, Snape being a great Occlumens? It’s because he’s the reigning champion in suppressing his emotions, like all schizoids are. We would make wonderful Occlumens, I think. XD Snape being mean? Not all schizoids have a good amount of empathy, they’re too emotionally detached for that. (Others are very empathic to some causes, but might be picky in what they are empathic about. For example: they can be empathic towards animal cruelty and Black Lives Matter, but don’t give a shit about other causes.)

A lack of empathy is what makes plenty of people an easy prey to fascists. Without empathy, what moral compass is going to stop you from becoming a bigot? (And I also want to state that within the disorder you’ll probably find people of all political leanings – many schizoids also seem to have a thing for the underdog, and thus seem to often lean towards the left instead of the right side of the political spectrum. But as with ‘regular’ people, you’ll find people swing both ways.) But here, in Snape’s case, his hatred for his bullies and his father (a muggle) pushed him right into the Death Eater’s arms, and they were glad to welcome a man of his skill, maybe even giving him the illusion, for a while, that he had found a new family. It didn’t last, and eventually his eyes opened to what the Death Eater’s really were. He was too young and naïve to see what they wanted of him (and the one person he loved), and it basically ruined his life. He was a teenage fool, and after losing Lily’s friendship, he had no one left to keep him out of that bad group of friends.

  ➤ Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Does Snape strike you as the social type that’s trying to make new friends all the time? Have you ever seen the man enjoy the company of another character in the books? Not just tolerate, not just need, but ‘enjoy’? Even when it comes to Lucius or Karkarov, it seems he is just keeping an eye on them, observing them rather than offering true friendship.

Maybe McGonagall might be an exception. He seems amiable towards her, in a competitive way. He might get a kick out of their arguing. She’s certainly an intelligent woman so he might enjoy her company for intellectual reasons.

  ➤ Always chooses solitary activities

We see Snape engage in a few activities at Hogwarts, such as going to Quidditch matches, or being present at the Yule Ball. Death Eater meetings and gatherings in the staff room might be social activities, but let’s not pretend Snape has a lot to say about whether he attends those or not. As a teen he already excels at potions, a solitary activity, and when we are given a glimpse of his “summer” lifestyle at Spinner’s End in Half-Blood Prince, he’s just reading. He certainly doesn’t entertain a crowd in his spare time, like, for example, Slughorn does.

  ➤ Little or no interest in sex with other people

I hear you coming now. “BUT LILY!” Schizoids are often asexual, but not necessarily sex-aversive. When asking around in a schizoid group, about a third of the schizoids seem to be in relationships or are even married, perhaps even more. And many of the others have had sexual relationships in the past. Many have tried to make relationships work, only to realize at a later point that that sort of life was not for them and that they would never be truly happy in a relationship. Other schizoids are happy in relationships – so it exists! It’s not impossible! (Remember: you need 4/7 traits, not 7/7 to be schizoid.) Also keep in mind, if Snape really was interested in sex, why would he pine after a dead woman for 16 years? He’d be over her way sooner and into someone else’s pants way sooner too. Lily was the first person in his life that gave him any kind of warmth, so him pining after her is not strange or inexplicable behavior. She offered what he craved, what he lacked, and he mourned her for the rest of his life, because he feared no one would ever give him that warmth. (And he kind of turned that into a self-fulfilling prophecy by being such a recluse.) He dreamed of love, but we have no idea what it would have been like had he actually ever had his affections returned. Maybe he’d have enjoyed a relationship with her for a long while and she would have been the only person he could have tolerated, or maybe after a year or so he would have thought “this is suffocating” and ended the relationship.

  ➤ Experiences little pleasure from activities

Can you recall Snape laughing in any scene? Smiling, even? I can imagine him to feel rather content when brewing potions or studying the dark arts, and he does have passion for what he does. But to a schizoid, passion and pleasure are not necessarily the same. We experience emotions differently. In some ways we don’t experience them at all, in other ways, we might feel like there’s a wall around our emotions, and we have no idea how to get over that wall and check what the currently active emotion is. But with logic, we can determine “I guess I’m happy now that I’m doing this thing I like doing.” Intellectual pursuits are fun too – like solving a puzzle, it gives a little boost of dopamine when you make it to the next level, so it’s not surprising he excels at Potions.

  ➤ No close friends other than immediate family

Basically, Snape only really had Dumbledore, and that bastard only used him to win the war. (I have beef with old Dumbledore, okay?) But Snape confided in Dumbledore, and the other way around, and so I think it’s safe to say that there was a true friendship between the two. When Dumbledore died, Snape was truly alone. (Which is incredibly tragic and heartbreaking when you think about it – in the last year of his life, Snape had no one, really no one, as he tried to keep Hogwarts ‘safe’ and eventually died. And everyone hated him for killing Dumbledore, not knowing the truth about his allegiance. Everyone who had once spoken kindly to him, like the other professors at Hogwarts, now considered him arch enemy #2, behind Voldemort.)

➤ Indifference to criticism or praise

Compliment or insult a schizoid, and it’s not like they won’t give any response at all. They might say “thank you” or they might get a little defensive about the insult, but they won’t always lose a lot of sleep over it. It kind of depends on who the praise or criticism is coming from. I can imagine that it did mean something to him if it came from Dumbledore, whom he cared about. I don’t think it meant anything to him what his students thought of him, since he didn’t give a personal level of shit about them. There’s also a moment where Umbridge shrieks “You are on probation!” and it’s described as “Snape looked back at her, his eyebrows slightly raised.” Then she says that she expected better after how highly Lucius Malfoy always speaks of him and she dismisses him. Snape then gives her “an ironic bow” – he really doesn’t give a rat’s ass and I love him for it.

These are the 7 criteria that you need to fit 4 of to be diagnosed with SPD – I managed to link all 7 to Snape – so I think it’s not unlikely that Snape is truly a schizoid. Now, for the next part I would like to highlight some other comorbidities which many schizoids also have, that seem to appear in Snape as well.

Comorbidities

➤ Depression In about half of all schizoid patients, depression is or has been present. How do you notice that in Snape? The greasy hair, among other things. Bad teeth. Always wearing the same outfit. If you’ve ever suffered from a bad depression, you know how difficult it suddenly becomes to shower at a regular interval, how you can go days without brushing your teeth, how wearing comfortable clothing is more important than looking fashionable – how it is absolutely meaningless to look fashionable because who the fuck cares anyways. Snape doesn’t seem to give a hoot about himself or his appearance, which strikes me as a sign of depression. And what does he have to be happy about? He knows Voldemort is going to return and he’ll have a cursed job as a double-spy. He knows he’s probably going to die. I wouldn’t be happy either.

➤ Anger Outbursts/PTSD Not all schizoids have this, but it’s something I have myself and which I’ve written about extensively in one of my previous blog posts. I look at it as a way of my inner self breaking down the walls and coming out to say “I know that I’ve been quiet for the past 37 years but what the fuck I’m really angry about this and have been for a while and I’m not going to contain it any longer” – and then the anger comes out disproportionately. It’s hard to impossible to really control such an outburst. And often, there is a very obvious cause to the outburst. Sometimes it’s PTSD related. For Snape, while he does not emote often, you see a few outbursts – like when he is face to face with Sirius Black in the shrieking shack, his childhood bully. He seems mad at that moment, not at all composed anymore, the sign of a real anger outburst. (I think it’s PTSD helping that anger build.) A few moments later, he thinks he has turned in Sirius Black to the Ministry, Sirius, who he holds responsible for the death of James and Lily (and it’s especially the latter’s death he can’t cope with), so when Sirius escapes, he loses it again. Then the next time he gets really angry is when Harry enters his “worst memory”. That’s a few years later, during the Occlumency lessons. While he’s no longer shrieking, he’s white with rage. My pro tip: don’t impose on the privacy of a schizoid, we get mad. XD In Half-Blood Prince, he’s got a moment where he’s like “Don’t call me coward!”, looking ‘inhuman’. I too can get anger outbursts over false accusations, and this one must really hurt, because at that moment, he’s trying to save Harry’s freaking life while the boy is all like “lemme at you I’mma kill you like you killed Dumbledore for fun!” – Snape was probably grieving the loss of his only friend and confidant and knew he was on his own from that point onwards, and then you get this bloody teenager trying to drag you into a wizard’s duel you’re not in the mood for, calling you a coward, which is the last thing you are. Man it has to suck to be Snape. I also want to state that there are many moments when things go wrong in class, but Snape never loses his temper like that. He’s not pleasant and he punishes students, but he doesn’t get mad – he gets even. That makes it all the more interesting to analyze the moments that he does go bananas.

Random Thoughts

Before I finish this blog, there are still a few small things I’d like to get out of my system about Snape and SPD.

➤ Snape and Luna

They are my favorite characters, but also because they’re very, very alike and very, very different at the same time. Both didn’t have a great childhood (Luna lost her mother at a young age) and they get bullied as kids at Hogwarts. Snape is called Snivellus and Luna is called Looney. All the suffering they endure, affects them differently though. Snape gets meaner, Luna only seems to get nicer. I see them as two sides of the same coin. One dark, one light, both a little eccentric in their own way. When you look at it from a personality-disorder point of view, then they both have personality disorders that are related to one another. Snape has Schizoid Personality Disorder, Luna has Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Schizotypal Personality Disorder is where you’ll find a lot of eccentric people who believe in conspiracy theories. Both are class A personality disorders. Some people might even have the two personality disorders at the same time. Schizoids seem to be rooted in reality with their thoughts, schizotypals can really start believing strange things if they’re not careful, alienating them from others And, in case you’re now wondering: “So many schizo-personality disorders! Is this also schizophrenia?” No – schizophrenia is when you have delusions and hallucinations as well. Read up on those disorders if you’re interested, because these descriptions of mine are too brief and don’t do it justice.

➤ Snape was a bad teacher

Not fully, and yes, he was. I think knowledge-wise, Snape was way better at Potions than Slughorn ever was. You notice when Hermione can’t keep up in her sixth year while Harry is sailing through Potions thanks to Snape’s book. Snape’s a genius and would have been able to instruct his students to be more efficient when brewing potions. But personality wise? Don’t put a schizoid in front of a classroom. And for that, I kind of blame Dumbledore. Snape wasn’t asking for a job as a teacher, but that’s all Dumbledore had to offer, and thus he put Snape and his unwilling students in a room together where none of them wanted to be. I think Snape would have been better off as some kind of a scientist, just him and his books, inventing spells or potions. But he was not given much of a choice, and he was forced to socialize with teenagers (ew, gross), and that must have drained him terribly. It’s a wonder he was usually roaming the hallways at night because I would have been too exhausted to get out of bed. That makes you realize it’s truly a work of fiction because who on earth has that kind of stamina? :-P (No, in all seriousness it’s probably also depression at work, keeping him up.) Snape was a jerk to Harry and Neville and Hermione on various occasions, and not all of it was to “keep up appearances” to the Slytherins. He seemed to even enjoy a bit of sadism here and there. You could contemplate why he poisoned Neville’s toad. Was it just to spite poor little Neville, or was he hoping his student would perform better under pressure? (Which Neville did.. The toad didn’t die.) It’s a cruel way to teach a lesson, but I think he must have thought the end justified the means. But what a traumatic experience to Neville, who then had Snape become his greatest fear.

➤ Purity culture vs Snape

We’ve seen a shift on both Tumblr and other social media where fandom is about purity culture. Back in 2002 folks were like “We love the baddies, deal with it”, and the people that didn’t love the baddies actually dealt with it and you could joke with people who preferred the Gryffindors and just poke a little fun at one another, but it was fun fandom. But over the years I’ve seen fandom change. Nowadays you can’t even express love for Snape without someone seeing it as their moral obligation to remind you of what a “bad person he really was”. To them I can only say that I like him for his best qualities, and forgive him for his worst. And honestly, I don’t need to justify liking a character to anyone. If I want to put Umbridge-posters in every room of my apartment, are you going to stop me or call the cops on me? Purity policing is weird. Very American, too. (Though I’ve seen some Dutch folks go apeshit as well over purity concepts.) And as a Belgian I don’t have time to put up with that shit. XD And purity policing also is just nasty when you consider that some folks are like “I relate to this character” and the next person is like “THIS CHARACTER IS EVIL AND DESERVES TO DIE!” My response to that part of fandom is: “Just fuck off already, jerkface.”  Personally I was heartbroken by his death, because I feel like he could have made up to the people he’d hurt, I would have loved to see relationships mended between him and McGonagall and him and Harry and such, but instead we were left with him passing on some awkward memories to Harry and then dying. (Tbh I’m not the greatest fan of his crush on Lily, but whatever, I can accept it and understand it. She was the only light he ever knew.) It’s not his fault he didn’t get to redeem himself as a character, not fully - and that’s what makes fanfiction fun. So if people want to explore that in fic, let them. A character like Snape is too much of a treasure to shove under a carpet and pretend he never existed. Write all the things about him, have him have all the adventures! 

I think I’m done now! If you stuck around until now, 10 points to Slytherin or whatever house you’re from. (Probably Slytherin if you’re reading about Snape.) What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment, send an ask, or whatever!

[analogicisms]

Music & Poetry - Chapter Two

Summary: Popular-but-not-really-famous lyricist Virgil Quinn meets an attractive poet named Logan who claims to hate music. Virgil, who believes lyrics to be every bit the poetry as the kind found in books and anthologies and inspirational posters, feels the need to prove to Logan wrong.

Ship: Analogical (with others in the background)

Rating & Warnings: PG 13.

Chapters: 1 - 2

AO3: Chapter Two

Thanks to @romantichopelessly for betaing and to @sunshineandteddybears and @paperghastly for pre-reading.

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Chapter Two

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♞ LOGAN ♞

What had he been thinking?

That was the question of the day, apparently. 

First, he had agreed to give a complete stranger—a very aesthetically pleasing stranger, but a stranger no less, his brain supplied—a week to somehow, miraculously, suddenly get Logan to enjoy something he had not enjoyed for most of his life. Sure, he had done it, because he was very attracted to the individual and would not mind spending more time with him. Especially if he blushed a bit more. 

If that had not been enough, he had then texted said individual—of course, he would have regardless simply because he had already said he would. He had sent a simple hello, this is Logan Wright sending you a text message as I stated I would when we met at The Bumble Bean earlier today around noon. Sending that had not been the strange thing. The strange thing had been that when he received the hey… what’s up? Logan did in fact respond back and tell him about how he was going to speak for a local graduation and was spending time with a dear old friend. The other guy—Virgil—had responded cool and Logan had just begun to feel disappointment when he received a second text that told about Virgil’s own day. From there, the conversation took off, Logan often catching himself surprised that it was so easy to talk to this Virgil character. 

Neither of those things had been the craziest of his actions that day. When he told Thomas—and by proxy, Thomas’s husband Remy—about the cute “emo” guy at the coffee shop, Logan thought for sure he was out of out-of-the-ordinary things to do. That was until he then told them he was currently texting him and quite enjoying the conversation. That one didn’t last long, however, because Virgil asked him to meet up for drinks that night and Logan, completely unprompted, looked up at Thomas—and Remy by proxy, considering he was currently seated across Thomas’s lap—and conveyed all of this to them. 

Logan knew by the sudden glints in their eyes and the smirks on their faces that there was absolutely no way Logan was going to decline. Logan was quite grateful for the excuse but if he was being honest with himself, something he worked diligently on every day, then he would know that he would have agreed to the “get-together” whether Thomas and Remy demanded him to or not. 

Nobody else, however—least of all those two—needed to know. 

    ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆

💀 VIRGIL 💀

“Oh my God! What the fuck—”

“Language!” Patton frowned deeply at him. Virgil waved it away. 

This was important! His life was screwed and not in the good way. He was fucked. Again, not in the good way. 

“What the feckity-feck did I do?” 

He was looking at his phone in horror. 

Patton looked at Emile, who smiled softly and nodded. Getting up, Patton crossed to where Virgil stood in the middle of their living room. Virgil had asked to come over. 

He had just been in the middle of telling them about his and Mystery Man’s conversation. Every so often, Patton watched as his face grew brighter and a smile slipped over his lips, fingers moving over the keys as he presumably replied to this Mystery Man—whose name was Logan and he was a poet, but Mystery Man was just to fun to say and so he and Emile still used it. He couldn’t help the burst of warmth that spread through him as he squeezed Emile’s hand tighter for a few moments. A happy sigh escaped him as Emile’s thumb brushed over his knuckles. Patton was just about to sneak a little kiss when Virgil’s outburst took place. 

Still a little upset about the unnecessary language, Patton put that out of his mind in favor of studying Virgil’s face. He immediately jumped into super friend mode, taking the other’s phone out of his hand. Virgil let him, his hand falling uselessly to his side as he closed his eyes. 

Patton frowned but was grateful it seemed as if Virgil was no longer in risk of a panic attack. At least, for the time being. Worried about what had caused such a reaction, Patton reached out to grip Virgil’s shoulder. 

“Hey, buddy. I’m going to read this, if that’s okay with you? Just want to know what’s going on so I… so we can help… that okay with you, kiddo?”

Virgil blinked and looked at Patton then at his phone. With a sigh, he nodded. 

Patton smiled in thanks and took a moment to go through the text, making sure only to look at the recent ones. He frowned, not sure what was up until he reread the last text between the two which was from Virgil to Logan and it was… 

“Oh my god, Em! Virge asked him out!” 

“Patton!!!” 

Patton blushed and frowned though it only lasted for a few seconds. He was just too excited. 

“I’m sorry, Vivi! It’s just that I’m so proud of you. We both are and on top of that, it’s just so cute how smitten you are. You’re like… my new favorite romcom!” 

Virgil snorted at that and sighed, reaching out to take his phone. Patton closed out of the text and reached out, offering it to him. At that very moment, however, his phone sounded with a new message notification. 

“Oh my gosh, he replied!!” 

“Thanks, Pat! I couldn’t tell!” He wriggled uncomfortably. “I… I can’t look.” 

Patton nodded. “Do you want me to read it and tell you what it says?”

Virgil hesitated but nodded. 

Patton nodded in response and pulled the phone back to him. Opening the text message, he read the words on the screen as his face broke into a huge grin. 

“What’s it say? Is it bad? Is he creeped out? Tell me he’s creeped out so I can go home and make myself a nest and listen to MCR until I’m a hundred and five years old and die from a heart attack…” 

Emile, who had been a silent observer for most of the exchange, did his best to not make mental notes of what Virgil had just said. He is not your patient, Picani. He is your friend. Standing, he moved to stand next to Patton. He placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder and squeezed. 

“Do you want to put this away for now and come back to it in a moment?”

Virgil nodded quickly. Emile nodded and was holding his hand to hold onto the phone when Virgil reached out to stop him. 

“No, actually… I can do it now. Pat… hand me my phone. I can do this.” 

“Yes you can, kiddo.” Patton agreed, handing him the phone. He then looked up at Emile who smiled back, knowing that the answer on the other side of that text message was a good one. 

This was soon confirmed as they watched Virgil read the response, his face growing more and more red. That was okay though, because the smile on his face was growing just as big. When he looked up at them, his black eyes were the brightest and warmest either of them had ever seen. 

“He said yes!” 

“Oh that’s so great!” Patton exclaimed. 

“He would have been insane not to, and I would know,” Emile added. Virgil and Patton laughed at his joke, Virgil snorting and rolling his eyes. 

“Thank you, guys!” He said, patting them both on the back. “So we’re cool to reschedule drinks’ night?”

“Absolutely, kiddo. We can do Friday like all the cool cats do.” 

Virgil hugged Patton and clapped Emile on the shoulder. 

“See ya later guys!” 

“Good luck…” Patton called out. 

“Not that you need it!” Emile finished, wrapping his arm around Patton’s waist to pull him against him. Once Virgil was out the door, the therapist beamed at his boyfriend. “Shall we go back to cuddling?”

Patton smiled up at him and nodded, stepping on tippy-toe to rub their noses together. 

“Yes, please.”

   ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆ ⌒ ★ ⌒ ☆

Disclaimer:  The author does not own Sanders Sides or any of the characters found therein. They are also not affiliated with Thomas Sanders, Joan Stokes, or the Thomas Sanders team. Only the complete story as it is written is the property of the author and is not to be copied or reposted without express permission from the author.

[queenangst]

I am TRYING to pick a scene from Secondhand for the commentary ask but there are just. All of it is my favorite. But I think maybe...the scene where Midoriya and Nana talk about going to fight villains, and the USJ attack?

me, rereading secondhand for this: wow i love this

i was going to start with just nana & izuku, but i’m so soft for nana & gran, so i included fighting villains like you asked with a little bit of that dynamic! so of course this is going to be a long one i hope no one minds, i couldn’t help myself.

let’s go

[Sorahiko] paused to look at Nana. "And you'll come, of course," he said, but it was half a question. From here, Midoriya couldn't see Sorahiko's face—almost pleading.

"I'll come, of course," Nana said softly to her friend. She turned back to smile at Midoriya. "Don't worry."

Nana and Sorahiko were partners, so this part is Sorahiko tentatively reaching out in this familiar-unfamiliar relationship. But of course Nana will go with them. The “don’t worry” is directed at both him and Izuku.

Midoriya finally started working again as they stepped through the door, and ran to catch up, bursting between the two of them. He apologized hastily, and then looked at both of them with wide eyes.

"Don't- worry?" He looked at Sorahiko, flippant, and Nana, who was used to this kind of thing. "Wait, wait, what do you mean, don't worry? We're going to, you're taking me to fight, villains?"

I thought the first line here was a little bit funny, like Izuku.exe had stopped working once he heard they were going to go seek out and fight villains. Obviously, as we see upcoming in this scene, Izuku has a very different definition of villains, so he sort of shut down for a second. 

He’s super incredulous, while Nana knows Sorahiko is just Like That. She’s not fazed at all, because they’ve known each other for years, and it’s certainly something he made Toshinori do.

His voice grew small on the word villains. He was scared.

Nana frowned at the look on his face.

"Have a little more courage than that," she said, patting him on the shoulder. He flinched, and she pulled back. "I mean— Sorahiko used to make Toshinori do it all the time, when they were training without me. And I used to take Toshinori on patrol with me when I could. It's good experience."

Here’s the part where Nana almost-disapproves a little bit. It’s okay to be scared as a hero, but because a large part of it is fighting villains, she doesn’t understand why Izuku has such a strong reaction. It actually concerns her, because right now it seems like he might not be brave enough. They don’t know each other very well, so I thought this was a reasonable reaction, especially with how important One for All is.

But Nana is also very attentive. 

"Villains?" Midoriya said again. It was like he'd gotten stuck on the word and was now circling it, tethered by a line. "Don't you think that's a little— I hardly have any control over— I mean..."

"That's why we're going with you," Nana said soothingly. "We'll make sure nothing goes disastrously wrong. Chin up."

On the other side, Nana knows a scared child when she sees one. She’s definitely a mom, and someone who cares, so after she tells him he shouldn’t be scared she also tries to reassure him that she and Sorahiko both will be there.

And a little peek of Izuku’s inner thoughts, as best as I can show them through Nana’s perspective. He’s freaking out a little.

"Villains," Midoriya mumbled. He wrung his hands together; he looked a little reassured by Nana's offer of safety, but not by much.

"Oh, get that look off your face," Sorahiko said, spinning around. "It won't be as bad as you think. You'll be fine—you might not be able to take me, but you can handle a crook or two. It's not like we're facing S-Rank villains."

Color returned to Midoriya's face. "Okay," he said quietly, and that was that.

Now, Sorahiko does know about USJ (of course), so after Nana only semi-succeeded at reassuring Izuku he finally gives up and just tells Izuku it’ll all be fine. No S-Ranks here. It’s the reassurance that he really needs. ‘Course, Sorahiko has to sound grumpy-old-man while doing it. 

She'd seen the way his brow had creased when Sorahiko had mentioned the villain classification ranks they all followed. Most villains, of course, tended to be on the lesser scale—petty crime using Quirks was much easier, but there was always going to be the villains lurking in the shadows. All for One, looming, the puppetmaster of a whole organization of crime that haunted the streets and back alleys of Japan. That crept its roots of corruption into every crack it could squeeze through.

She bit the inside of her cheek and closed off her expression.

A tiny bit of “worldbuilding” to slip in there, though this is more-so based off of what we already have in canon with the classification. Also, it makes sense to me that it would be common to have a lot of petty crime, such as the bag-snatcher or the thugs the League hired. People who don’t get to use their Quirks in the system and resort to crime, etc, etc, because the definition of villain is so loose. 

But then of course there are villains like All for One. Nana hates him. Deeply. So much that sometimes it frightens even her how angry she is, but she doesn’t want to show it in front of Izuku right now, so she closes herself off.

"I don't know about you," Sorahiko started, "well. I don't care what you do, but leave me alone."

He glanced at the time, then nodded to himself and disappeared. Nana laughed.

"I don't suppose you’re leaving me alone, too?" Midoriya asked, a little sullen, and Nana shook her head. She'd hardly done anything all morning.

Sorahiko just doesn’t care. He’s done with people younger than twenty for now. In case anyone was wondering, he went off to take a nap, leaving Izuku and Nana to their own devices. 

I just thought it would be a small light-hearted break in the somber tone of the conversation, before we go back to it.

"Would you," Midoriya began, then dropped his gaze. "Would you spar with me then?"

Nana shook her head.

"I shouldn't." She shrugged at his pleading look. "Sorahiko's right. You need a break before we go out tonight. You don't want to be in a real fight and be dead on your feet."

When Izuku asks, Nana doesn’t agree to spar with him. Here, it’s because she believes she’s not his teacher. His training should be Toshinori’s responsibility, and then Gran Torino because of the internship. Nana will help eventually, but to her, it’s not her main role in the relationship with Izuku. 

They walked to the kitchen together. "I still don't understand why we're going to go fight some villains," Midoriya said offhandedly. "I mean, getting experience, sure—all my other friends are doing some light patrols, I think, but seeking out a fight?"

"Sorahiko can't just train you for the rest of the, what is it, the week? You'll get too used to his fighting style, and you'll get stuck. It's better if you're out there experiencing things yourself."

"If you say so," Midoriya said. She didn't think she was meant to hear that.

A little more slight disagreement, though of course from misunderstanding. Izuku’s a little disrespectful at the end there (and even, a little hypocritical considering the way he gets himself into things) but his point stands - that he’s concerned about a pro hero sanctioning him to go seek out villains, rather than how other pro heroes might work by assigning interns to light patrol, learning about agencies, etc.

"Can I ask you something?" Nana leaned back against the counter and watched Midoriya fill a glass of water. He handed it to her, then took another one out, and she nodded in thanks.

"Uh-huh," Midoriya said, filling his own glass.

"Why did you react like that?" Nana asked. "When we were talking about villains earlier."

Midoriya's face darkened. He stared into his glass, like he was looking for an answer in the way the water distorted his vision.

"You don't have to say," Nana said. "I understand being scared of villains. Everyone's scared. But you seemed to have a..."

She didn't know how to describe it. But she'd seen that look before on a few faces—and she'd seen it on Shinroku's face, struck pale.

Like I said, Nana gets that villains are scary. Of course they are, but it is a hero’s job to face them. So she still doesn’t get why Izuku is acting like this, and why he’s so scared, to the point where it reminds her of her own mentor facing All for One. (Haha, fun reference, yeah? Successor facing successor and predecessor facing predecessor.) 

"I don't think you know much about Class 1-A, do you?" He peeked at her face. "I guess you wouldn't know. Er, well... earlier this year, when we- when we went to the Unforeseen Simulation Joint, for training... the League of Villains attacked us. It was— bad."

"The League of Villains?"

The League didn’t exist, to Nana’s knowledge, and she’s basically been given the Cliff Notes on everything happening. So here’s the start of the explanation... she hasn’t had a chance to learn much about 1-A or USJ or the League.

"That's.. yes," Midoriya said, "and they weren't just a— I mean, it was planned. They targeted us specifically. And the Nomu... Shigaraki..."

"Shigaraki," Nana said. She couldn't say she'd heard the name before; actually it was entirely unfamiliar to her. "He's a villain?"

God, I’m terrible, truly. Haha. The mention of Shigaraki... just a little bit of dramatic irony here where we’re all like “he’s your grandson!!!! He’s your grandson!” and Nana does not recognize the name at all. And this sets up for later: the only identity Nana knows of Shigaraki is that he’s a villain.  

"The leader, I think," Midoriya said. He tugged his lip between his teeth. "He was directing the others. He gave orders. And he hurt— it was re- really bad."

What Izuku was going to say here was how badly Shigaraki and the Nomu hurt Aizawa, but he couldn’t get the words out. It was really bad. I mean, timeline wise, Aizawa only got his bandages off basically after the Sports Festival, so the memories are still very fresh.

He tipped his head back and drank from his water deeply so that he wouldn't have to keep talking. Nana paused. She hadn't expected that.

"You're a first-year student," she said. "You..."

And now Nana is absolutely horrified because he is a Baby, U.A. He’s a baby!

"They want to kill All Might," Midoriya said suddenly. He set down the glass, and it rang dully. Water sloshed against the side. He gripped the edge of the counter with both hands. "And they— it wasn't human, it was- it was- strong... I couldn't do anything!"

A chill ran down her spine as more and more of the story unraveled. A creature, barely human if at all, that Midoriya referred to as a Nomu. A creature that had been built to kill All Might.

And she’s even more horrified because that’s Her Baby. It does not matter that Toshinori is like, four decades older or so, because he’s still her boy and they were trying to kill him. Specifically. 

Good day slowly turning to bad day.

"He beat it," Midoriya told her, but he seemed less happy about it than she would have assumed. "But... it was a real threat. It withstood him at a hundred percent of One for All.

“And that- that leader, Shigaraki, he would have killed… ”

Nana set down her empty glass. She lifted a hand, then remembered the way he had flinched when she had put it to his shoulder earlier and dropped it again.

Shigaraki would have killed Aizawa, and Tsuyu, and probably him and his classmates, and All Might. 

Here, Nana assumes Izuku would be happier because of the victory, but Izuku really isn’t. All Might won but the Nomu was a real threat to him, and his time limit was already so dangerously low. Izuku remembers All Might pushing himself past his limit. 

And back to earlier, Nana notices Izuku’s reaction. She wants to comfort him, but she thinks he might flinch away if she does.

“I’m sorry,” she said, though it didn’t quite feel like enough. “You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”

He was a kid. Strong, yes. Smart, yes. But in the end, Midoriya was at most fourteen or fifteen—no one his age should have encountered and seen what he had just earlier this year. He was already carrying enough of a burden, she thought, the legacy of the number one hero and the heroes before him.

Not much to say about this part besides it reads as it is on the tin, you know?

Midoriya shrugged uncomfortably. “Anyway, that’s all.”

That's all, like it was fiction, just a tale recounted. Nana didn't feel it. Horror was coursing through her veins. She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like for him.

It was true Nana had lived a rough life, but she had never faced anything like that so young and almost alone.

Nana adopts a child again. I think USJ was a really sad event, too, of course it shouldn’t have happened. And it was a bunch of kids who wanted to be heroes suddenly thrust into an extremely dangerous and traumatizing situation, their teachers were dying, and they were split up and scared and very much in danger. 

I tried to express that too, how horrifying it is as someone who is older than Izuku, to try and treat such an event so casually as a way of dealing with it. Like it’s over, it’s done. But it’s really not.

She certainly has a hard time in life, but Nana sympathizes a lot because she’s never lived something like USJ. No one should have to.

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"It's over," Midoriya said. "Everyone lived, and recovered. So I'm grateful."

"It's good to be grateful," Nana murmured, bowing her head. Not everyone lived. Not everyone recovered.

And cut, here at least. Izuku doesn’t really want to talk about it too much more. He’s ready to move on from USJ, and get stronger... for himself, his classmates, and especially for All Might. And he really is grateful everyone came out alive though not unscathed. 

Not everyone lived, not everyone recovered. Tadao didn’t live, and Nana hasn’t recovered. 

send me your favorite scene/chapter from one of my works + i’ll write commentary on it!

[brightbeautifulthings]

Complete Tales & Poems by Edgar Allan Poe

"'For the love of God, Montresor!' 'Yes,' I said, 'for the love of God!'"

Year Read: 2020

Rating: 2/5

Context: Starting two years ago, I’ve picked an intimidatingly long classic to read over the course of a year. I have a problem with trying to read books as fast as I possibly can, so if I set myself a thousand page novel, I’ll try to pound it in a week, and it will just be a miserable experience all around. So, a year is a nice compromise. I’ve hit the major Poe horror stories in the past, and I’ve been thinking about rereading them, but I couldn’t decide where to start. Reread my favorites? Read the ones I’ve heard of? What if I’m missing something awesome? As usual, my go-to answer is to read them ALL. For more thoughts on individual stories, see my monthly blog posts. Trigger warnings: character death, torture, live burial, cannibalism, decapitation, animal abuse, injury, severe illness, racism/xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, slurs, mental illness, bitter ranting from the reviewer.

Thoughts: My edition, with an introduction by Wilbur S. Scott, is probably not the edition I would have picked, since I prefer more notes or even essays to help me out with books that are 100+ years old. Context is helpful. Somehow though, my dad and I ended up with the same edition, so we decided to read it together. My dad loves all things horror (I come by it naturally), and we’re both longtime Poe fans, especially if you happen to put Vincent Price in one of his film adaptations. Scott’s introduction is particularly pretentious for a book we probably found in the bargain bin, and he manages to criticize the horror genre for not being “literary enough”. This is an Edgar Allan Poe collection, right? Way to alienate 90% of your audience right from the start. You can’t snub an entire genre and then attempt to explain why people like it. Like a lot of critical writing, it tells us more about Scott than it does about Poe, and I was circling his typos to entertain myself by the end of the introduction.

It did not get better. In short, I actively hated so much of this collection, and it's my most arduous and least enjoyed year-long read to date. To be even shorter, the only stories I found worth reading for pleasure were the horror ones I had already read and loved, and I'm afraid to examine too closely whether that has more to do with nostalgia and pop culture than the stories themselves. Poe has a way of lingering on pointless descriptions and belaboring a point to its absolute death, alongside an aggressively pretentious tone that suggests the narrator (and, by extension, Poe himself), knows everything there is to know about everything and you're an idiot for even asking. His true talent may not be horror, but in turning what might have been a good story into an intellectual soapbox and hammering it the point of absurdity. It would be different if the stories actually were intelligent instead of ridiculous. I’m happy to talk Aristotelian ethics, but the point is never to intellectually engage the reader–-it’s to show how clever the writer is.

On the whole, it seems like Poe struggles with telling a straightforward story, and I can’t tell if it’s because the short story genre has changed so much since then or because he’s so busy trying to show readers how smart he is that he forgets that stories have very specific components like suspense, exposition, or rising action (or endings). Most of them consist of some narrator speaking the entire time (I have all kinds of problems with this, from, “You just ruined the twist of your own story” to “No human talks for thirty uninterrupted minutes unless some idiot gave them a microphone.”), and few of them have anything resembling action, plot/character development, strong themes, or closure. There’s an essay-like quality to some of them (“The Imp of the Perverse”, “The Premature Burial”) where he seems to be trying to tease out a concept on an intellectual level, sometimes for pages and pages, before he remembers that he’s telling a story with characters and what could loosely be called a plot. I could do without all the intellectualizing, verbal grandstanding, and narrative cartwheels; just tell a good story, please.

And he does, sometimes. It's clear why Poe remains an essential part of the horror canon because those are easily the best stories in the collection, and I don't think that's just because I'm a horror fan. Horror seems to age better than some other genres because certain things remain consistently scary over decades or even centuries--being buried alive, for example. “The Fall of the House of Usher” is permeated by a feeling of bleak foreboding, culminating in some truly terrifying images, and “The Tell-tale Heart” is one of the better examples of Poe’s rambling narrator who thinks a lot of his own intelligence and slowly unravels over guilt. Both scared me to death when I was a kid, and I’m happy to see that they still maintain a high creep factor as an adult. (I also had the Great Illustrated Classics Tales of Mystery and Terror as a kid, because all a story about being buried alive needs is an illustration!) “The Cask of Amontillado” has long been one of my favorites (because there is something deeply wrong with me, probably), and “The Pit and the Pendulum” and “The Masque of the Red Death” are both top-notch horrifying, the latter a classic plague story that's a little *too* relevant to the times just now (but, you know, also one of my favorites). The clock symbolism is some of the best in the entire collection. Why, pray tell, would you be afraid of time?

The tolerable stories are the detective ones and the adventure ones, in that order. I can see why Poe’s detective stories like “The Gold Bug” and “The Murders in the Rue Morgue” spawned a genre. I was getting clear Sherlock Holmes vibes from his character, Dupin. However, it reaffirms that something is a classic because of its effects on literature as a whole and not because it’s still all that accessible. Just because something is the first of its kind doesn’t mean it’s the best of its kind; in fact, it usually isn’t because that was only a starting place. I can’t help feeling “Murders” would have been more compelling as a horror story than a detective story. Murdering gorillas are cool; listening to someone talk about murdering gorillas, much less cool. I was extremely irritated by his hot air balloon stories ("The Balloon Hoax", "The Unparalleled Adventure of One Hans Pfaall"), but apparently Jules Verne loved them, which makes a lot of sense. I was getting a lot of Verne vibes from things like "A Descent Into the Maelstrom" and even the utterly long, boring, and racist "Narrative of A. Gordon Pym." It's clear they had influence on other writers, even if they're not the best examples of their genres.

Which brings us back around to the bad. It's not worth my time or yours to list all the terrible stories in this collection, but I can briefly summarize what I found so terrible about them. First, Poe is tragically, emphatically unfunny. The things he seems to find humorous are either in very poor taste now (his tasteless descriptions of mental patients in “The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether”), or they’re outright ridiculous, almost slapstick, like the woman who gets her head stuck in a clock and is subsequently decapitated by it in “A Predicament,” which is an odd sequel to “How to Write a Blackwood Article.” I’m sensing that Poe is making fun of intellectuals or would-be intellectuals here, but with so much time and cultural distance, it’s hard to tell. In any case, it led to a running joke (“I’m going out for groceries!” “Don’t stick your head in any clocks!”). Somehow, I doubt this is the major takeaway Poe was hoping for.

Worst of all, they don't age well on representation either. Poe seems at pains to offend every single minority he possibly can throughout his oeuvre. There are a lot of horribly racist depictions of African Americans, snide comments about Jewish people (or the much more obvious anti-Semitism in “Four Beasts In One” where a mad king has a thousand Jews killed--really?), and blatant ableism (“Hop-Frog”). It's at its worst in "Narrative of A. Gordon Pym," a novella that spans over a hundred pages, that is basically a tedious, xenophobic setup to paint the native population of an island as the most horrific and duplicitous monsters imaginable. (The narrator previously ate one of his shipmates, so can he really afford to throw stones here?) For inexplicable reasons, that story isn't finished, and by that point, I was grateful.

Poe's poetry is a little easier to work through than his prose. I love "The Raven" with its lilting rhymes and dark message, and "Annabel Lee" is very pretty, both ubiquitous in popular culture. I also liked "Dream-Land," "Al Aaraaf" (where Ligeia makes another appearance), and "Alone." Most of the poetry has pretty simple rhyme schemes, the subjects mainly love and loss. There's an excerpt of an unfinished play, "Politian," included as well, but it didn't make much of an impression on me. TL;DR: I stand by my initial opinion, which is to read his horror stories for pleasure and, possibly, his detective and adventure stories for genre purposes, and to skip the rest. I'll probably be looking for a smaller edition of the stories I like. This one is a massive hardcover, more like a book you put on your coffee table to look impressive than a book you actually read (but I don’t have a coffee table, so it’s actually just taking up more room on the shelf than any one book has a right to).