#revisiting this like no this is not even 25% of my thoughts . i have more each day these are jusf the base

[dravidious]

You're more amazing than cuts

I opened the mountain door in Tunic! And now I'm decoding the instruction manual's text! One thing that's disappointing but also a huge relief is that

the secret text is actually English, not a special made-up language. I was pacing back and forth wondering how I could possibly figure anything out, and I finally checked an online guide for hints and the hints were. really weird?? Like, "this is the word for sword, but why does it only have 2 characters?" Like what? Why SHOULDN'T it have only 2 characters? That's just the word for sword in this made-up language right? Then one of the hints made it clear that it was supposed to represent the English word "sword", just written in a weird gimmicky way. Once I realized it was all just English, it was smooth sailing.

Still, that's pretty mean to anyone playing the game in a different language. I was even like "well it can't possibly just be English because the text stays the same when you change the language setting" but uh. Nope. I guess just fuck you if you don't know English.

[ikusayu-no-hana]

kiden!! act i

first off. I watched kiden with the most kasen-biased lens, and even after like 6ish rewatches there are things I might have missed out. second, this is long. hehe. so that's a much needed disclaimer before I unload everything I've been thinking of for the past few weeks.

ofc......this is an abandoned timeline. even so, the only flowers that bloom are those near gracia.

Kokin’s shriek thank you very very very much

they skip half of the plotline of iden and straight away make it clear that everyone knows who the touken danshi are . and the fact that they know they are living in an abandoned timeline. no existential conflicts here?

takayama ukon, I think, as far as I can remember, is the first sute human ive seen that justifies not killing the touken danshi on the basis that they have the same hearts as humans, and are not mere objects. He’s so emptathetic towards them it almost makes me uncomfortable bc well….we know whats going to happen in the end .

jizou running away with gracia is the softest portrayal of a touken danshi denying his duty we’ve ever seen. maybe its the hand holding, treating gracia like she’s fragile.

Urghrjdnf I know it’s a world that came into existence from gracia’s wish but hearing don francisco say “what if we let her be free?” leaves a bad bad taste in my mouth. Sure it may be what she wanted but does she anymore? Isn’t she already supposed to be free in this new world? But then again, would her happiness ultimately lie in her husband living like a depraved madman…..? debatable.

i feel terrible for the honmaru that lost their daisanbutai...all six swords broken in one investigation....*logs in to my honmaru to poke all six of them to make sure theyre ok*

Kokin’s message…

Always always alwaysssssss mouthing the opening dialogue…fuck ive been waiting to hear it in kasens voice forever and ever.

why is kasen so beautiful. like. they really set his wig and did his makeup to make him look divine, like one of those sad noh maidens (thoughts on the op here)

(A bit of an aside, but I find it funny how some of them still have flower petals on their costumes www. Chougi looking fully serious while having a petal lodged in his cape as if just seconds earlier he wasnt dancing. and shishiou scattering petals in his wake as he runs.)

SITTING AROUND A FIRE HOW CUTE. i forgot that this scene in almost its entirety was also in kahakugeki, because this time it’s a completely different setting and theyre doing something other than walking. this feels more lively :)

they discuss a little poetry! specifically the poem kokindenjunotachi recites in the incoming call. kidengumi poetry discussion session in full swing! i still am surprised to find out shishiou also liked poetry bc his former master was an accomplished poet, and also that chougi and nikkari are well-read in old literature. I wonder if that was their own acquired knowledge or from kasen's influence.

feels like everyone has an appreciation (or at least, an understanding) of the arts that kasen likes ("please group me with people who understand elegance").

kasen voice: in most cases the 'uta' you're talking about is not the 'uta' I'm familiar with! (he mustve heard a lot of kotegiri's songs already.)

kikkou truly must be a good cook if kasen is relishing the food he made........mmmm watching them made me a little hungry ngl

who's the sender of the message??? does kasen know????

"well I do have a feeling of who it might be–"

"one of your old friends, perhaps?"

I love how kasen and nikkari have this exchange between them, where nikkari consistently sees right through kasen and his discomfort and frankly cuts right to the point. nikkari’s role here is to act as a foil of sorts to kasen.

I feel like. kotegiri and shishiou bring the much needed light-heartedness to this unit. tsurumaru, koga, mutsu and horikawa did that in iden but in kiden we’ve got like. more somber characters havent we. like seriously in any other setting I wouldnt imagine characters like kasen and nikkari doing an enthusiastic group shout . (kikkou looks at chougi bc hes the only one not doing it lol. and i think nikkari also gestures to chougi to go along w it

so the farmers mention that katō kiyomasa was defeated and bc of that the christians made kumamoto-jo their hideout. looked him up and....this guy was absolutely brutal towards them....stabbing pregnant christian women and cutting off their children's heads. making kumamoto castle a christian place feels like the ultimate fuck you to kato kiyomasa.

seeing kasen give out instructions feels so..........and everyone looking at him. thats his unit. thats his daisanbutai. thats their captain. and hes such a trustworthy captain <3

the reason why nikkari’s so set on poking kasen about his ‘mukashinajimi’ is definitely bc kasen is mysteriously reluctant about to bring it up (shinpaishite iru yo). in kahakugeki kasen begins to say kokindenjunotachi’s name in the first scene when nikkari cuts in and i wish theyd have kept that little bit in kiden. i think kasen......definitely didnt want to face his past. ive said enough abt that in well...a lot of posts. but also, i think he was also a little fearfulof what meeting old friends would mean. itd be too many coincidences, wouldnt it

it just occurred to me that tadaoki, most definitely, like in giden, thought kasen was a geisha just standing in the middle of his way. just like that. thats why hes like ???????????

oh man. kasen. it mustve fucked him up to see tadaoki like that. i feel like having watched kahakugeki took a little shock out of it bc we all expected it, but it really mustve been a massive shocker and eye opener to kasen to see what a fully christian country entailed. (if gracias wish hadnt come true tadaoki wouldnt have to suffer like this would he...? but then neither wouldve been able to make the other happy if their repsective wishes came true) its jarring to see your father, who was once full of pride and one of the wealthiest lords in the country, fall to the bottom of the barrel.

obsessed with the way kasen shows his nervous tics: tucking his hair, tapping his sword, flourishing his cape. kuma does it all so naturally.

???? chougi smile out of nowhere???? i think he only did that in daisenshuuraku stream bc in 4/3 stream he didnt much smile at kikkou kjsndv thank you for that though

chougi and kikkou r literally . team rocket but more cunning and scheming. its like theyve already had experience in reconnaissance together.

if im not wrong kikkou says “even though it’s god’s country, there’s no equality among its citizens” yes king thats been the problem w christian kingdoms throughout history! *cough* europe *cough*

"bluffing is also a weapon of war" go kikkou go!!!!!!!!

i wouldnt want them as enemies ever theyre genuinely terrifyingly good at drawing out information. but also theyre just bluffing it as they go huh lol

still, its impressive they came up with all that on the spot.

DEATH BY KIKKOUS WHISTLE

jk rowling wishes she couldve made draco malfunction as sexy and ruthless as chougi

MAN THEYRE SO ANNOYING D SJKNDV everyone whispering "hidari! hidari!!!!!!" but he still gets slapped. imagine ur just here to protect ur religious country and these meddling touken danshi LIE to ur face and give u weird riddles to solve and u still get clocked while the other guy is having the time of his life whistling at ur misfortune. and the blue cape guy tops it off with “i have utmost respect for ur guys’ devotion to ur faith :)”

theyre so good. chemistry is out of this world. digging my grave as i speak

“where is she?!?!?!?!?” *stomach suddenly starts rumbling* sorry i know its like. a plot point to get tadaoki to where shishiou and kotegiri at the eatery but i couldnt stop laughing

i think its safe to say kiden part i is more of a comedy to a certain extent. to a certain extent only though.

kotegiri is so earnest and it feels like shishiou is his elder brother.

they finally got to sit at the same table T-T

i really like how the three sets of touken danshi move to different places to gather intel; kasen + nikkari going to the crowds near the castle to observe them (i loved the bgm here), chougi + kikkou slyly making their way to the church, shishiou + kote going to a restaurant. it feels characteristic to each of them.

that one guy inthe background doing a double take @ nue

shishiou talks to kogarasumaru a lot for a guy who claims to not like being treated like a kid hmmmmmmm admit u like being spoiled like the rest of us

also i wonder if shishiou simply didnt ask kogarasumaru for an explanation or if kogarasumaru didnt go into too many details or if shishiou simply forgot about what the former meant by a ‘troublesome’ mission. he may be a himbo

nveeeveerrrrrr getting tired of shishious koga impression. ever

and his smile while talking about his jicchan....... :D

shishious the kind of friend that has No Shame and No Reluctance to be full on weird in public settings and honestly good for him ! (kotegiri nodding to the other people in the restaurant wwww like yeah excuse us, im sorry)

shishiou knows archery confirmed.

he’s the first one to sense that the ‘humans’ arent actually humans. its his innate sense isnt it? he’s more knowledgeable than he lets everyone else in on.

i love how theyre all told gracia was taken by a touken danshi but they dont suspect the other members

honestly i dont want to delve too much into the historical figures bc that would make this post longer than i think its goign to turn out :(

kotegiri’s wavering confusion at the sight of tadaoki........i love how touken danshi retain their former master’s bonds and feelings toward the people in their lives. in a rudimentary sort of way kote must have felt like he was looking at his father.

well. can you really blame tadaoki for wanting to kill gracia? actually no this isnt really a story about who bears the blame. if you try to search for moral validity in this play youre going to spend eternity here. its simply a story about desire. in kidens case, gracia gaining something meant making tadaoki lose something, namely his wealth, title, lands, perhaps even sanity. and because of that he hates her. but because of his memories he also loves her. and thats the central conflict of his character.

like ive always thought: in tkrb there is rarely black and white morality, what they define as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ depends upon whether they can carry out their orders and protect history, and thats also apparent in a few later scenes. its the fact that the swords are drawn from so many different stories (+ also the fact that modern morality has no business being applied to the people of yore. also re: the oda swords’ different views on oda nobunaga. hasebe hates the way he did things, but yagen thinks it was fitting for a man of that period) ok ive derailed enough lets go back to the play !

ofc kote follows after tadaoki,,,,,,,,

right before meeting him, a strong wind blows over kasen and nikkari . personally i think that “wind” that notoriously blows in some scenes is a sort of euphemism for kokindenjunotachi -> in the keichou kumamoto chousa in the game he tells us to call him kaze at first. ofc, this is just a speculation but it ties in with later scenes too so bear w me

i love how kokin straight up lies to them ‘i called you so we could recite poems’ kasen is right to see through his bullshit jkdsnvjk. still, i think kokin was sly to have waited until he was sure they were trustworthy and strong enough to handle the mission to formally tell them the details of what happened.

this little exchange between kokin and kasen is my favourite bc it says a lot without many words. its almost like a fight between siblings but not exactly, kokin has this emotional distance that kasen cant get through to. id liken it more to a father-and-son thing. the son never being able to understand his father is such a famous trope isnt it? thats whats happening here. kokin’s got something up his sleeve and kasen is dissatisfied bc he cant guess what it is and why kokin’s keeping it from them.

>ikuzo, aoe. ah, yarou! killed me x2. two of my favourite swords interactignrgksndfjnvdfjnvkjnsd

this bgm slaps

low-level kokin ganbatte

NITOU KAIGAN LETS GOOOOO

ahhh canon that nikkari and kasen spar a lot!!

man kasen is so sarcastic . ‘have you lost your poetic spirit?’ bestie chill he’s doing his best at the level he’s on

NOW kokin trusts them after they rescue him. he suddenly goes all serious and then says those words like theyre coming from his heart.......in this investigation, he specifically asked for kasen didnt he? it wasnt like iden where hizen called for all competent touken danshi. i suppose that was part of his plan as well, to strengthen kasen (we dont get to know if like in iden, the saniwa deliberately also wanted kasen to grow. its simply not mentioned but the mission pays off doesnt it?). what a roundabout way to do it tho. though, kasen wouldve been petulant if he Knew what this investigation was meant to entail right from the start. thats why kokin couldnt fully go into the details right away.

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( gracia...........

‘why did that man order my death?’ god this reminds me of musou’s dainibutai’s chapter where kasen just. randomly asks ‘do you think tadaoki wanted gracia......dead?’ its so out of character bc he’s being vulnerable for the first time since the mission, and namazuo tells him ‘it doesnt matter how it happened, if someone precious dies, anyone’d be sad’ (paraphrased from the jp game i didnt play the en version dont tell me im wrong vdbjsndvkjdsfnvkj)

haraiso.......inferno.........they’ve read their dante alighieri

as far as i can make out the touken danshi that perished were......kashuu, yagen, ichigo, nihongou, horikawa, and izumi

AHHHHHHHHHHH jizou’s internal conflict AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

‘just like me, you’re also taken captive’ ah it strikes again, the fixed and unflexible nature of the touken danshi’s duty that is the root cause of all pain in tkrb.

this is so funny and cute awwwwwww. its so hard for jizou to comprehend human relationships. its easy to understand at a superficial level, but hard once you actually are a human. and thats what’s happening here: jizou is getting humanized.

oh jizous so cuteeeeeee

yeeeeee the table scene !!!!!!

i came to the stunning realization that this scene references the scene of The Last Supper. but ofc.......there are supposed to be 13 people in the painting, but ukon and yukinaga and gracia aren’t there. i initially thought gracia would be representative of jesus, but she’s betrayed them and run away right? jesus is the one that stayed and was killed. with that logic, it’s otomo sourin that’s symbolic of jesus since......well........he gets betrayed in the end. this is a table of traitors.

so i looked up what seisan meant and

oh my god it IS EXACTLY THE LAST SUPPER TOUSUTE DID IT DELIBERATELYYYYYYYY

ahhh i really love the proverb kikkou uses here: 郷に って は 郷に したがえ . i didnt get it immediately at first but i did get a sense of it being similar to ‘when in rome, do as the romans do.’ i love this kikkou’s characterization so much

otomo sourin feels like their babysitter rip

theyre so pretty I loved the set-up of this scene

this scene is significant in so many ways 1) we dont have enough scenes in tkrb where touken danshi are subtly given the position of unbending, ruthless, unnegotiable villains. 2) it reiterates what we already know: that protecting history is a touken danshi’s instinct. 3) it makes a distinction between the concepts of ‘instinct’ and ‘justice’ 4) kikkou likes to wave at people 5) chougi is the more passionate one, kikkou the cooler, level-headed one.

yoshitaka says that no one is in the wrong. hmmm

kotegiri’s face as tadaoki is denouncing tama 😭😭😭😭😭😭

  shishiou talking aboutkasen😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

even though he’s a government sword, kokin displays so much human emotion, wanting to save jizou even after they parted ways. it reminds me of kasen when he’s with sayo orz

kasen has this air of resignation as he recites the origin of his name. i feel like shaking him and saying NOOOOOOO cant you see nobody thinks those 36 dead people were your fault?? youre respected and loved just as you are!

‘kasen kanesada, will you kill gracia? you, who was tadaoki’s sword, will you kill the person he loved?’ crying screaming throwing up ripping my curtains apart smashing thw windows tearing out all the pages from my books this line isso bonkers insane . and kokin using kasens full name too

holy fuck kasen has so much of an internal crisis about it its insane.

ofc kokin smiles bc he also Knows that.

ofc kasen bites back w his own questions. thats just how those two are . its like they view human emotions as a sort of weakness, that kasen is inherently weak for not feeling completely sure about killing her, and that kokin is weak and denying his purpose as a touken danshi for wanting to save jizou.

>scene ending with kokin alone, talking to no one in particular (or is he?) wondering if he’s naïve.

>next scene starting with jizou saying ‘kaze ka?’ you see the connection?? The heavenly wind and kokin???? The hecking amatsukaze???????????

God. Isn’t it ironic how jizou prays to his god so that he can preserve gracia’s connection to her god? (note: in kahakugeki he only used one hand for this line, in kiden he uses both)

Hmmm aren’t flowers ephemeral and fragile? I understand where jizou’s coming from, heck my guess for what he’d call her was also a flower, and why kokin calls her a blossom of the Hosokawa, but I cant help but wonder if that’s a way to simply emphasize her weakness and inability to live as she liked, having her life mostly dictated by the men around her. Tadaoki’s the only one who calls her a snake, capable of biting back. The same snake that threw humanity into sin. Ironically enough it’s the person who loved/hated her that could understand her. But then again, its tadaoki’s heart inside jizou that’s also calling her a flower. Honestly she can (and does) symbolize both.

Having no home to return to must hurt…….

Im so happy they can finally fight with real enemies instead of like last time ><

The reason im so glad they paired up Kasen and Nikkari is bc both of them are haunted by the sin of what they killed, and seeing them get along so well, like they know each others intricacies, what the other is thinking, its like a genuine bond.

Ok and now one of the most emotionally charged scenes ever………..

hmmm how to put this simply. it’d be easy to leave it as simply ‘straight married couple argument’ but it begs a more deeper nuance than that. lets see. gracia and tadaoki meet for the first time in what is probably, a long time. all this time tadaoki was so worked about hating her and wanting to kill her and yet his first instinct is to let out all his pent up feelings and.....cling to her........ ‘why did we become this way?’ ..........even though they loved each other and were married for over 20 years, held on even through akechi mitsuhide’s betrayal, tama’s conversion. ….how were they reduced to this? Its precisely because of that bond that gracia asked him to kill her, and precisely because of that bond that tadaoki couldn’t. its so so simple to say what we want to do but when the reality of the situation catches up, can we really stay the same?

and tadaoki’s last words to her were literally ‘my snake’

oughoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhOUCH rip

and thats her breaking point. shes literally driven to hysterics. and she didnt want to ascertain tadaoki’s heart....she simply wanted to be forgiven (the reasons that cut the deepest are the most simplest ones) for the sin of hating the person she loved.

but,,,,,,,as much as i loved thisscene, as much as i couldnt bear to watch it in consequent rewatches,,,,,this gracia isnt the real gracia.....she just isnt. the humans in altered timelines never are.

‘let’s go, aneue’ ‘where?’ ‘anywhere. maybe even to hell’ <- wtf twfffffffffsdjnfffffffffffffffffff jizou said GOODBYE TO KARMA AND MORALITY I’D FOLLOW MY BELOVED ANYWHERE

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭tadadsifkofjkasensdnfkasjfnkjnsakjfnajnfajsnjcksanfwehfiuhwenudnjfuwfnzsexdrctfvgybhnjkmgbhjnk YOURE GOING TO DIE IN YOUR BEST FRIEND’S ARMS AND YOU PLAY ALONG BECAUSE ITS WRITTEN DOWN YOUVE MEMORIZED IT ITS ALL YOU KNOW 😭😭😭😭😭😭 

tadaoki’s honshin was that he didnt want to kill gracia and jizou and kasen inherited that same heart are you listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!111!1111!!!!!!!!!!!!

it physically hurts to see kasen so very nearly crying . its like everytime he meets tadaoki he’s left perplexed and dissatisfied  and so so upset and he doesnt know what to do with all these feelings

ending with all the revisionists so far......ito, ryoma, takeuchi, toyou, those two from tenden/muden, the black armour, oboro manba.......kuroda kanbei.......who’s absolutely digging that long hair............

[seonghwaddict]

ateez fic recs!

🧸 lilo’s notes! here is a collection of works that i loved and thought everyone should read! works marked with a bear emoji are some of my favs. i’ll be updating the list, of course. this list contains both sfw and nsfw content, minors please interact accordingly.

hongjoong

he’s kinda hot — @ohmyamor

“After a decent run with your boyfriend, you finally decide to end it when his paranoia becomes too much. Except, maybe he wasn’t crazy. And now you have demon who refuses to leave you alone.”

demon!hongjoong, fem!reader, fluff, slight angst, please see content warning before reading, suggestive

lilo’s notes! i absolutely love demon!atz aus and i can testify that this is definitely one of my favs. everything about this was absolutely fantastic and i may or may not revisit it every few weeks

you’re hongjoong’s bias — @jnginlov

“when you and your group go on idol radio to promote your latest comeback, you don’t anticipate one of the hosts to be completely enraptured by you”

idol au, fluff, gn!reader

lilo’s notes! listen… idol aus are usually not my cup of tea (though several fics on here prove that wrong), but this is absolutely one of the cutest things i’ve read.

seonghwa

new horizons — @fivestar-outlaw

“Attempting an all-nighter while playing Animal Crossing alongside your bias, you didn't expect your turnip prices to be such a high amount... nor did you expect Park Seonghwa to actually accept your offer to sell his turnips on your island.”

completed series, FLUFF, idol!hwa x nonidol!fem!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! EEEEEEE THIS FIC IS SO CUTEEEEEE

🧸 honest (but happy) accident — @ad0rechuu

uni student!hwa, gn!reader, fluff, slice of life

lilo’s notes! y’all are gonna get so sick of me cuz you’re gonna see multiple of zero’s fics on here. jokes aside, this is genuinely so fucking cute i was rolling around and giggling while reading it.

🧸 12:25 time of love — @jaehunnyy

kindergarten teacher!hwa, mom!reader, meet cute, fluff

lilo’s notes! imagining seonghwa in a job like that genuinely makes me so soft. whenever i’m in that Emotional mood i like to read this.

🧸 impressionism — @hwaightme

“a post-graduate student specialising in impressionism, you were a regular visitor to the many art galleries in the city. who knew that among the paintings you would encounter your favourite, timeless work of art?”

vampire!gallerist!hwa x art historian!gn!reader, fluff, soulmates

lilo’s notes! as an art history nerd, this fic is so beautiful especially when combined with a vampire au like AHHHH some of my fav things in one fic

yunho

early hours — @honeyhotteoks

“you run into him in the hallway of the hotel, it's late and you're exhausted from the concert, but he thinks you should grab a drink and you can't help but agree”

idol!yunho x nonidol!fem!reader, one night stand, nsfw, some fluff

lilo’s notes! HDJSJDJSJKF the way this had me glued to my phone and giggling should be studied.

🧸 principia and opticks — @bro-atz

“you're struggling with a specific class that's required for your major; but, luckily, your professor, professor jeong, has no problem helping you out outside of class” // “you and professor jeong yunho decided to continue your relationship secretly, only to almost get caught one day”

professor!yunho x student!reader (legal), nsfw, fluff

lilo’s notes! don’t judge me but i think professor x student (COLLEGE. LEGAL.) is such a good trope it’s always gonna have me running laps around my room.

bottle service — @bro-atz

“all yunho wants to do is fuck the bottle girl's brains out.”

big dick!yunho x small!afab!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! i have nothing to say for myself other than size kinks are hot. even more so when it’s related to yunho

christmas dinner — @a1sh1teruu

“it didn't just end with one dinner.”

ceo!yunho x secretary!fem!reader, fluff

lilo’s recs! THIS WAS WRITTEN FOR ME AGHHHHHHHH i love it so much i think about it at least once a week

🧸 summer nights — @honeyhotteoks

“he's your best friend and roommate, but during the heat of summer and the confinement of quarantine, you just can't seem to help yourselves.”

roommate!yunho, nsfw, fluff

lilo’s notes! i reread this yesterday and realised there’s a sequel. TRUST i will be devouring that as soon as i can

track 3: cyber sex — @highvern

whipped loser!yunho x camgirl!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! STOPPIJDIDJ yunho was so cute and shy in this i wanted to scream into a pillow

yeosang

🧸 lessons in intimacy — @honeyhotteoks

“you didn’t mean to actually meet the man who’s audio porn was single handedly getting you off every night, but you do”

camboy!yeo, nsfw, fluff

lilo’s notes! absolute perfection this was so sjsjjcjsjd i could feel myself slowly losing my mind

evolve — @nebulousbrainsoup

“more often than not, a life lived in Night City is carefully crafted, slotted firmly between preapproved lines—or it is if you value keeping it. whispers of freedom float just beyond the city's neon lights, and it's only through a chance encounter with the most unlikely of characters that you finally start to hear them.”

biker!yeosang x fem!reader, fluff, nsfw, some angst

lilo’s notes! despite it being 12k words i gobbled it up in a single sitting which is crazy tbh, it didn’t feel that long at all and i was so invested

san

🧸 prelude in e minor — @bro-atz

“your brain tells you to focus on your education, but your heart tells you to focus on professor choi”

professor!san, CELLIST!san, nsfw, angst

lilo’s notes! back at it with the professor aus yupppp y’all know me so well. i felt so many emotions while reading this i thought i was gonna go insane.

mingi

🧸 slowly, i’m going down — @yutasbellybuttonpiercing

“mingi hates studying, but what he hates way more than that is being perceived as stupid. what mingi loves on the other hand, are pretty people getting flustered about his voice or mingi shows you exactly what he hates and loves.”

college au, tutor!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! not only was this written so well, but it was so fucking entertaining. mingi is just so silly in this i love it.

angel eyes — @binniesbang

“Yunho teases Mingi when he trips over his words infront of a girl, he needs a little loving to make it better:((“

coffee shop au, fluff, comfort

lilo’s notes! AHHHHHHHH sobbing crying screaming this was so cute and soft i love this mingi

🧸 untitled — @teasteeper

“kissing practice with your best friend mingi”

best friend!mingj x fem!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! GRRRSGHDJDJD OH MY GOD mingi you ain’t slick at all- anyways, my turn when?

wooyoung

ribbon — @wooyoungmybelovedhusband

“You just love Wooyoung's dick, and maybe you wanted to make it look pretty like it truly is.”

daddy!wooyoung, nsfw

lilo’s notes! they be fucking but somehow it’s so??? cute?? really enjoyed this one 10/10

spiderman! — @cherrysoojins

“being spider-man comes with a lot advantages, but those advantages can have their disadvantages. like jung wooyoung not being able to show up to study groups to be able to see the girl he’s crushing on big-time.”

spiderman!wooyoung, smau + written, fluff, angst, crack. ongoing(?) series, last updated: july 7th, 2023

lilo’s notes! this was actually such a cute and fun fic and i really wished there were more chapters :c

backstage rockin’ — @a1sh1teruu

“after a late night of practice with the band, and with you lounging in the background. when his friends finally left, he couldn’t keep his hands to himself any longer.”

bandmate!wooyoung, nsfw

lilo’s notes! i think this was THE fic that awakened my love for bassists, that’s how good it was. zerda’s writing always has me giggling

jung wooyoung’s superpower — @ad0rechuu

best friend!wooyoung, fluff fluff fluff

lilo’s notes! ik i’ve probably said this a lot but this is ACTUALLY one of the cutest fics i’ve ever read i adore it so much

🧸 i’m just bein’ curious — @teeskz

“in which your friend wooyoung invites you over for a movie night”

pervy best friend!woooyung, nsfw

lilo’s notes! it’s short but if i said this didnt awaken something in me, i’d be lying. i reread it this morning and that’s what made me start this rec list

jongho

🧸 adorable — @i-luvsang

frenemy!jongho, gn!reader one bed trope, fluff, comedy

lilo’s notes! AHHHHH I LOVE RIA’S WRITING SO SO SO MUCH fluff by ria is genuinely so djdjdjsjd it’s got me giggling

untitled — @nateezfics

nsfw, fluff

lilo’s notes! i’m sorry but idc if they’re going at it, it’s so cute and soft?? they’re just so silly

multi

🧸 milky way — @ad0rechuu

“It’s not everyday that your friends childhood friend turns out to be the girl that you literally have a fan account for, but for Seonghwa, San and Mingi it’s become a reality. being able to get close to your bias is great! even if she does have a raging crush on someone else…”

fanboys!hwasangi x idol!reader, smau + written, fluff, angst, suggestive, slow burn. completed series, 60 chapters + 3 different endings

lilo’s notes! i will never not be grateful that this series exists. it’s funny, cute, and angsty and i absolutely love it with my whole heart. i think it’s one of the first fics i read on tumblr, so it’s really special to me + i think this was part of the reason i got close to my lovely zero

🧸 blurred lines and lies — @yuyusuyu

the synopsis is really long

best friend!yeosang x fem!reader x best friend!jongho, love triangle, romance, slice of life, angst. completed series, 10 chapters + 2 different endings

lilo’s notes! words cannot describe how i felt reading this but i think it’s comparable to going through every stage of grief possible plus more. genuinely, one of the best fics i’ve ever read

strawberry mocha — @pirateprincessblog

“your favorite café has a new barista, and he seems oddly familiar, especially when you see his hands move when he prepares your favourite beverage”

barista!camboy!wooyoung x fem!reader, ft yunho, nsfw, angst

lilo’s notes! my thought process while reading was a cycle of “oh my god” and “what the fuck” in the BEST way possible. the writing is so good i wanted to reach through the screen a smack some characters, and hug some others

clair de lune — @atzfilm

“you’ve finally gotten the chance to enter “clair de lune”, a infamous night club to see the band hiraeth. but why did you feel like their eyes only watched you?”

yandere!ot8 x fem!reader, angst, fluff, nsfw. completed series, 8 chapters.

lilo’s notes! so iconic. if you haven’t read this, you better and that’s a threat.

murphy’s law — @atzfilm

“according to murphy’s law, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Black holes circle each other until they collide and merge, a cataclysm so fierce, sends ripples soaring through the fabric, crossing thousands of kilometers within a fraction of a second, leaving behind a wave on the space-time continuum. That’s the simplest way you can describe meeting him. And yet, even that is an understatement.”

alien!ot8, multi x fem!reader (not ot8), soulmate au, fluff, angst, nsfw, check other warnings. completed series, 5 chapters.

lilo’s notes! another iconic fic by an iconic writer, we love to see it

mists of celeste — @hongism

“Sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you.”

space pirate!ateez, multiple pairings, angst, fluff, nsfw, check other warnings. ongoing series, 49 chapters + additional content

lilo’s notes! i’m pretty sure everyone on tumblr who reads atz fics has seen this one at some point and it definitely deserves its hype. this is probably one of the best, well thought-out fics i’ve ever read and i believe it can definitely be considered better than many published books

🧸 hotel california and paradise gardens — @mint-yooxgi

“You can check out any time you’d like, but you can never leave.” // “Eternity means nothing if I don’t have you.”

yandere!demon!ot8 x fem!reader, horror, fluff, angst, nsfw, check other warnings. complete fic, 42 chapters combined

lilo’s notes! yeah i reread this every few months and i’m not ashamed to admit i’m obsessed with it.

outlaw miniseries — @hongism

individual parts for each member/unit, nsfw with a side of fluff and angst. ongoing series, 4/6 chapters

lilo’s notes! hi no i won’t shut up about hongism i think ive read everything she’s published and if i didn’t want to make this list diverse i would’ve just put a link to her masterlist and called it a day. seriously, highly recommended. my fav on this is the 2ho one.

from storm to sunrise — @ad0rechuu

“you and your boyfriend yunho wake up to find your other boyfriend mingi no where to be found”

fem!reader x bfs!yuyu and mingi, fluff, mild angst

lilo’s notes! zero try not to write something i’ll fall in love challenge, go! oh no you already failed because everything by user ad0rechuu is a masterpiece

🧸 hooked — @songmingisthighs

“A freshman hookup rekindled into something new. With an incentive, of course. But what would happen if your ‘relationship’ led you somewhere you never thought would happen to you?”

ot8 x fem!reader, smau + written, college au, fluff, crack, nsfw. completed series, 91 chapters

lilo’s notes! this is also one of the first fics i read on tumblr!! it’s definitely one of my all-time favs and it’s just such a fun read

🧸 unconventional first encounters with ateez — @bluehwale

ot8 headcanon, fluff, humour

lilo’s notes! i also reread this occasionally, the humour tag really is accurate

hongwooho — @yourfatherlucifer

idols!hongjoong, wooyoung, jongho x fem!reader, nsfw

lilo’s notes! the first time i read this (and all the times after that) i was giggling and rolling around on my bed. this kind if scenario is something i’d LOVE LOVE LOVE to see more of

sway with me — @luvt0kki

“former noble turned space pirate, wooyoung was now part of one of the most revered and hunted group of pirates of the galaxy. sure he’s only known them for six months but there’s only so much you could do in a ship when you travel from one planet to the next. the ship was their home, his home… and the members of this crew were friends that he felt he was fated to meet. // but he hasn’t met one person of the crew… and he didn’t know that.”

ot8 x fem!reader, space pirate au, nsfw, fluff. ongoing series, 5/?? chapters + 1 interlude

lilo’s notes! i gobbled the posted chapters up in a single sitting and it was honestly sososo good 10/10 recommend. i can definitely see this being added to my favs as soon as it’s done!

🧸 ¡arriba! — @teeskz

“being a bookworm, you’re used to your regular schedule of simply studying, eating, oh, and the occasional sleeping. it isn’t until one night, you find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time, and soon get swept up in one of the craziest games you’ve ever heard. in hindsight, maybe you should’ve declined. but it was only supposed to last for one night. one, dirty night.”

hongjoong, yunho, san, mingi, wooyoung x fem!reader, college au, nsfw, part of a series (“T!TS UP”)

lilo’s notes! NO YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND I WAS GAGGEDDDDDD the way i had to pause multiple times to cool off while reading this it was so hot and something i didn’t know i needed in my life until i found it

[portsandstars]

Revisiting Red Spring Studio's Interview with Blerdy Otome - Select Quotes

It's been almost a year since RSS had this interview, but I think that many people have not listened to it, or recently revisited it. I thought I'd highlight some quotes from it, though the entire interview is worth watching! Some of these quotes I have lightly modified for clarity or succinctness but the majority are direct transcripts.

23:30: "Touchstarved is a horror romance visual novel where the entire cast is made up of characters where you're like, "I can fix them!" but you actually can't. I think that Touchstarved is a very complex and mature story with really really complex themes and interwoven routes and obviously it's very sexy at the same it's a romance - and I think it's one of those games that I've always wanted to see exist and I think that a lot of the team has always wanted to see this game exist as far as being this kind of like dark, broody, moody, but also very deep, right, and authentic and honest exploration - Monsters, and the feeling of being a monster - feeling of being an "other", right, whether you're queer or POC or anything like that… we've created a game that's not only really fun and action-packed and bloody and all that kind of stuff… but very heartfelt in a way that I hope readers can pick up on.

Imo, this line of reasoning ("you can't fix them", and the cast's monstrous nature and how it intrinsically ties to/is an analogy for being queer, or POC) - makes me think that even in the good endings for the game, your character won't be minimizing the character's monstrousness. For example, even if your character has the Power of True Love, it's not going to make Vere nonviolent or absolve Kuras's guilt.

25:35: "These themes are pretty complicated in a way that's messy and honestly bloody and I think for that reason is why we're looking at a mature rating - that said, when we set out to make the game our goal wasn't really to be explicit, it was much more to focus on sexiness . . ."

Just clarifying that there won't be explicit sex scenes in the game.

28:55: "What are some aspects of the story that you are most excited to showcase?" "I'm so excited that people get to die terribly, that just gets me so pumped up. Like in previous jobs I have not been allowed to brutally murder . . . main characters permanently and it's very important to me that I now have the power to write really just messed up awful endings…Don't worry, there's also good endings there too, they just get as much passion and all that stuff as the bad endings… but the bad endings, oh my gosh, those are some of my favorites."

This line makes me curious about whether the main characters are just MC, or if the other characters will brutally die as well!

30:50 "A little while ago we posted Kuras's character reveal and people really like the fact that he can't cook so for me it's really cute and innocent seeing people obsess over that fact and I really just want them to see the contrast between that version of Kuras in their head and what he's actually like in his route. Like I just really want to see them react to like the terrible things he's going to do. . . They're all awful in different ways that I'm really excited for people to see it - it's very funny to see everyone be like _Literally name any of the characters of the cast and be like "they're my little meow meow" and it's like, oh. good. I hope this continues once they learn more about the characters. Obviously they're all wonderful - right, the characters are all awful but they're also all wonderful".

32:26 : "the theme of monstrousness and how each character kind of approaches it differently . . . because they're all monsters, even if they're not literally monsters . . .it also plays into each character's brand of horror in their own way as well that ties into their monstrous nature."

This line especially (to me) hints at how Leander is likely not SPECIFICALLY a monster, but a human with a monstrous nature.

34:30: - Ais was the first character they made and each of the other characters build upon him, so they spent a lot of time getting him right. Vere was the easiest to create and they made him in a weekend. Kuras was the hardest to create (especially visually).

38:00 "This is a romance game and a big draw of the game is making a love connection with these characters - do you all plan on including platonic friendship routes in addition to romance routes, or is it strictly romance?" The way that we planned out this game is that we wanted to focus on the intimacy of these individual relationships between the main character and the love interest and the route that they're on, right, so this is the way we had planned the game from the beginning. We really like poly romances, for example, and friendships, but we think that it wouldn't have made much sense for the characters in the story that we had written for them because this entire story - with who the main character is and why they're having to turn to these mysterious monstrous strangers - there's a level of intimacy involved in the themes and stories that we really focused on for how we're writing…

It's almost like a narrative design intentionality we did early on because each route that you'll be able to play from the main five cast is very driven and each character is like a ticking time bomb in their own way. So if you choose to romance Vere, Kuras's route still continues and you can see the effects of what not choosing Kuras is in Vere's route when you're playing Vere's route. So the world is meant to be very interwoven and interconnected where you can see the ripples of everyone's choices even when you're not romancing them and in that way we've designed this cast that's woven together. So if we did want to do a poly route, we would probably have to do entirely new characters . ."

43:30: "One of the fundamental goals of this game was to have, as you've been saying, a living world - a world that's evolving, and one of the ways that we wanted to communicate that was with the idea that these characters are not doing great… um, they're all in very very bad situations, uh, they're all essentially doomed if you do not go with them and it's seeing that carried out in each route that I hope will be really interesting for people.. it will be very sad, in a good way".

ARGHHH this is the WORST. This means that if you choose a character, you're essentially dooming the others. Though this will undoubtedly manufacture delicious angst, I'm soooo sad at imagining each of the other characters faltering and ultimately failing on their paths because you didn't chose them. Though, I wonder if there are some routes where multiple characters turn out ok, or if the entire cast is doomed as soon as you don't select them (in different ways depending on the route)?

54:30: "I also want to clarify too that even though we've been talking about blood a lot and all that kind of stuff and death and we love those parts of the story, um, if you get those endings there's a reason why, you know what I'm saying - you have to actively try to get those endings - poke the bear with a stick."

Definitely referencing Vere's bad ending in the demo. Personally I am too curious to avoid them, but it's encouraging that some of the MC deaths appear to be because you deliberately make dangerous choices, rather than simply "tricking" the player and surprising them.

Let me know what you think of these quotes, and the whole interview is definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it!

[mappingthemoon]

For the past several years (can’t remember if this attitude predates the pandemic), I’ve been kinda “meh”/side-eye re: New Year’s Resolutions. I am a very goal-oriented person and feel existentially unmoored when I don’t have something that I’m working toward, be it a class, a trip, a concert, a zine or other artsy project. But I also tend to have very unrealistic expectations, namely of how much time it will actually take me to complete tasks and how much energy I will still possess after I get home from work every day. So I don’t want to put all this abstract pressure on myself for the new year and then get burned by my, idk, ENORMOUSLY OVERWHELMING CAPACITY FOR HOPES AND DREAMS (or inability to accept reality or whatever, I guess, depending on your viewpoint lol).

Last year, I got a faculty librarian job and I was able to finally quit doing part-time transcription work, a (second) job I’d held for over 11 years. I thought the sudden influx of “free time” would result in a flood of creative projects in 2023, but I didn’t get nearly as much done (or started) as I’d hoped. My new job duties brought increased stress – I supervise someone now and received zero training for this so I’m having to figure out all this soft skills work relationship stuff on my own, I’m one of only two special collections catalogers in a large academic institution and ofc our backlog is a million miles long, I have to deal with so many more dang emails and meetings as a faculty person than I did as a staff, our institution is grossly underfunded and understaffed and people keep leaving bc our wages are comparatively Bad; many of my colleagues and I are burnt out af. SO ANYWAY due to all that, instead of blossoming into a creative powerhouse now that I have only one day-job, I instead found myself sinking into the couch after work, watching youtube on the big tv screen and transforming into a sad amorphous blob.

BUT! One reason I am risking feeling slightly more hopeful about 2024 is that this year, I am scheduled to have two out of four credit card loans paid off! (I had five but already paid one off this year too :D) This will put like… nearly $400 back into my pocket each month. I hate complaining about my money situation bc I do make what would be a decent living wage for my ~lifestyle~ (2 very frugal working adults, no kids in the home), but nearly 25% of my income goes to debt (not including mortgage lol). (The reason I am carrying so much debt is because I didn’t make anything even remotely close to a living wage for the entirety of my working life until I got the librarian job last year and I had to use credit cards for things like groceries and travelling home for funerals and then I’d transfer the credit card balance onto a loan and then I’d be like “okay, as long as we have no more emergencies for 18 months, we’ll be good,” and then there’d be another emergency and I’d have to borrow more money again 🇺🇸) So the TL;DR is I strongly suspect that when I have a bit more of a financial cushion and don’t have to deprive myself of most material pleasures (such as the occasional deli sandwich or vinyl record! I have simple desires!) and white-knuckle it through the last week of every month, I might be a bit less exhausted and stressed out on a daily basis?

So based on that completely speculative hope, here are my goals/resolutions for 2024:

Start a monthly one-pager photozine (my intention is for this to be a simple project to keep me active in the zine community and more ~intentional~ with my photography). Finish writing Moonshot #3 (Summer 2024) and #4 (Fall 2024). Start outlining (at least) Phases of the Moon #7. Maybe: Think abt starting a new art/literary comp zine. [I used to do tons of comp zines when I was younger and I’ve been revisiting them in my zine digitization/archiving project and feeling inspired!! Love bringing a variety of people together to collectively work on an amazing goal! ♈]

Do something analog with photography – maybe cyanotypes? [I’m despondent that I’ve been dragging an enlarger around for over 10 years but still haven’t built a home darkroom. This can still happen someday, but in the meantime, I know there are other analog photographic processes I can do without a full darkroom!] I also want to get back into photographing concerts. [I was a little disappointed that my Quintron pics {still forthcoming sry} didn’t turn out fantastic but it was my own damn fault for falling out of practice with my DSLR, and also forgetting to turn on autofocus lmao.] AND, I think it would be fairly easy to turn my bedroom into a camera obscura, which would be TOTALLY AWESOME and SWEET.

Redesign my website/portfolio: selenographer.info. Try to actually post some newsletters once in a while?

Finish at least one cross-stitch!

Leave the house more often for social activities?????

Better daily health routine [I already do this stuff, but I’m not always consistent]: Meditate & do yoga, preferably in the morning. Teeth care at least twice a day [sry if it’s TMI gross but brushing before bed was never part of my childhood and it has been a constant struggle to solidify this habit as an adult, ugh] and actually use the dang waterpik & electric toothbrush that I bought. Wear the sleep apnea device every night. [This thing works. But I fucking hate wearing it and I skip nights which makes me feel like a big dummy since I borrowed an additional $3000 to treat this problem.] STOP TAKING GOODY’S POWDER. [This should follow if I am consistent in wearing the apnea device bc I won’t get morning headaches if I am not waking up in a state of oxygen deprivation!]

Buy a new bed! [We got one of those cheapo internet mattresses in 2018 and man is it killing me. If I ever won the lottery the first thing I would do is completely redesign the bedroom into the ideal sleep environment.] Also need to buy 1 or 2 new bookcases bc I now have 3 storage bins full of unshelved books and it makes me anxious.

Work-related goals: Reclaim as much time as possible from the workweek. Try to have at least a half-day of work-from-home time per week. Actually use the professional development time I am privileged to have as faculty! Try to detach from the stressful sense of urgency other people (inexplicably) bring to the table and don’t let that shit get to you. Figure out a better way to handle emails? [My current modes are either complete avoidance so I can hyperfocus on a task, or checking my email every 30-60 mins and spiralling into the distraction zone for hours.] Hopefully take another class at Rare Book School. Help with more outreach events (aka teaching people about ZINES! :D)

GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY <3

[artemisandhersilverbow]

Ok, if you, like me, were in the minority of people who didn’t immediately fall in love with One Dark Window… like, the consistent rave reviews popping up on various algorithms have been simultaneously confusing and making you feel very left out? Well, I’ve got news!

In my humble opinion, Two Twisted Crowns (book 2) is mostly a total knock out. I obvi gotta sit with it longer (I just finished at 3am)… revisit some exceptional quotes that left ya girl blushing (dresses were almost ripped).

Duologies can feel like such a mercy in the fantasy space and looking at the series as a whole, i’d now happily recommend it to anyone not looking to tackle a new 3-6 book series/investment at this time. Also a good one for newbies to the genre. It also isn’t just another copy-paste SJM variant and that almost feels like a rarity with the big new releases.

Book one, I really struggled with the messy (albeit cool on the surface) magic system, the constant rhyme thing felt really hokey and made me struggle to get into the writing (which is mostly very good), the MCs were outshined by the side characters and just weren’t really my type, and the pacing is so odd like - sometimes so slow and sometimes so fast - it’s like, “Wait hi, I need more info please.”

25% into book 2 I genuinely thought, “I think more has already happened in this book than in all of book 1.” And that’s when I realized I was hooked and in for a late night.

Book two is action-packed and the plot is operating on so many levels - thanks in part to more povs. Ironically, part of me was like so grateful I had read book one, even if I didn’t like it, so I “knew the rules,” and could run along this faster-paced, more ambitious book 2.

Obviously I think the magic system, and general world building, was infinitely more successful in TTC. Gillig just used the framework and the lore with a higher level of craft and focus. We scaled back on the goofy rhymes - tho not entirely lol. But I credit the attention paid to the world/magic as a big part to why I read this whole thing in an evening! It felt like a really unsatisfying missing piece from ODW and, clearly, with that amended I more than liked it! I got that unmistakable all-consuming euphoric rush that only binging a great fantasy can give you.

*spoilers ahead*

I would also be fully lying if I said that what made this book work for me wasn’t just… the big focus on Elm and Ione. Yes, I had to google that name pronunciation for my own sanity at a certain point. But within their plot, in particular, I was like “ok, now this is what I call a magic system.” I have no idea why this same concept was just utilized and pulled off so much more successfully in their narrative arc… but it was. I still liked the odyssey into the woods with Ravyn and the Nightmare, but I fully credit Elm and Ione for making me love this book. Did I miss Elspeth a lot… I plead the fifth.

The Elm-Ione romance had everything I was missing in ODW! Like hot, hot tension. Sexy build up. And idk their growth and stories and strength genuinely made THIS tender little reader shed a tear. Their dynamic felt really honest and fresh and different. I’ve been getting a little burnt out by copy and paste romantic plots, in fantasy in particular, so these two took me by surprise. Yeah, I was just kind of floored by their romantic journey.

What can I say, I’m weak for an emotionally intelligent boy who can communicate his need to be topped (and like traumas and other things). Some of their build up tension scenes had me blushing the hardest any book has made me blush in 2023. RIP OFF THAT DRESS BABY!!!

Anyway, if you felt gaslit by the hype around ODW, but you already read it, I’m hear to say that TTC is more than worth it. You’ve already made it that far, what do you have to lose?

Unless your me who is going to be feeling that decision to not go tf to bed!

[mcgnagallsarmy]

Spuffy style Reading Challenge - #25: Short Story Reading Challenge

A Mother Knows Best by angelic_amy [PG-13]

Buffy hates Spike and Spike can’t stand Buffy. Right? Ever since Willow’s ‘my will be done’ spell, the vampire and slayer have been plagued with thoughts and dreams of their supposed mortal enemy. And neither of them know what to do about it. When Joyce Summers receives a mystery visit from someone in the know, and learns a little about the possible future, the slayer’s mother is set to work – playing matchmaker. Set in early season four, post Something Blue, and goes AU after that.

A Totally Random Occurrence by Herself [NC-17]

The stake slipped from her fingers, and she had to take a deep breath to stave off the dizziness descending on her like a hood over her head. "You—I thought you were dead." A reunion in New York City.

And Then She Knew by Addie Logan [PG-13]

Spike does something different – faster and more clever – and everything changes. (Goes AU during "The Gift")

At Ease by The Danish Bird [NC-17]

Even with her eyes closed, Buffy would recognise this place in a second, and for a moment she wondered if she truly had ended up in a hell dimension this time. One that had doomed her to an eternity of Doublemeat Palace workdays. Buffy felt her lips moving, heard her own voice speaking, and as she opened her eyes she decided that a hell dimension definitely wasn’t ruled out just yet. “Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace, how may I help – “ She stared into Riley’s scarred face as she completed her sentence. “– you.” Her mom, Sunnydale, her home, Spike – There are many things Buffy misses in her life, but if she had gotten the choice to revisit a day that had already passed, this would so not be it!

Between the Empty Places by St Ephiny [PG]

When Buffy's at her lowest, Spike gives her the strength to go on.  What happens if Spike and Andrew return from their trip a little early, and Buffy realizes she's not alone during the mutiny?

Claw Marks by untouchable [NC-17]

Set after S2. Buffy never returns to Sunnydale. She stays in Los Angeles as Anne, working at the diner and running from her past until, one night, her past runs into her. Can two desperate broken-hearted people find some relief in the arms of one another, or will Buffy and Spike just tear each other apart?

Crash by Holly [NC-17]

True, Whistler sent her back to fix just one thing, but Buffy has always been rather ambitious.

Fantasie Segrete by Holly [NC-17]

The Slayer’s friends treat a very reluctant Buffy to a Valentine’s Day surprise in hopes of uplifting her spirits.

Floodgates by EllieRose101 [NC-17]

Willow’s engagement spell ends, but Buffy and Spike don’t want to let each other go. Now all their feelings have been brought to the surface, it’s like they can’t stop them. If anything, the feelings are getting stronger. But would being swept away be really such a bad thing?

Of Malls and Mistletoe by bookishy [NC-17]

Ethan Rayne's up to his old tricks, having hung mistletoe with the opposite of care all over the Sunnydale Mall. When it becomes clear that the only way to stop chaos from reigning over the year's biggest shopping season is for enemies to snuggle up beneath it . . . well, it's just a good thing Buffy finds Spike there after hours. Set a week after Riley's departure in "Into the Woods."

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi !I'm a 25 yo F INFJ. I want to ask about something that happened to me recently. In january a highschool classmate wanted to prepare a reunion. Only the thought of going made me anxious (so I didn't). I can't say that my experience was bad but I didn't really get along with them and I even accepted sillently their bad jokes about me. There were multiple groups with different types of mean behaviour.

After highschool I felt like I made progress with people and I learned how to interact better, I made a few friends in University and I felt that I changed a lot. But only the thought of going back made me feel again like my 15-18 yo self who was afraid to hear another mean thing and was trying not to make eye contact with them so she won't go home and cry.

Today another thing happened, I'm taking classes to improve my english and someone with the same name as a guy who was saying mean things to me back then appeared. I became anxious instantly, I felt weak. He had his camera turned off so I couldn't tell if it was him or not so I was very conscious about him. I felt small and I was thinking "is there anything he could make a mean joke off?". He dispised me as a person, my face, anything really. He is 100% ESXP from everything I know about him.

How can I address what I feel/this situation and how can I stay in my current mentality (not retracting to my younger self)? From what I know it's a common behaviour when it comes to past trauma, even if I don't know if I should call it like this.

----------------------

What you are describing is called regression, which generally means reverting to a less mature version of yourself. There are different kinds of regression. Your emotional regression was triggered by unresolved past pain.

The key word is "unresolved". It's easy to believe anything (e.g. that you've made great progress) as long as you ignore the counter-evidence that would prove otherwise. When people become a bit overconfident about their progress in personal growth, I usually joke that they should spend a month living in close quarters with their most disliked family members to prove it. Formative and intimate relationships are breeding grounds for unresolved pain. Why? Because they occur during a time in life when you don't yet have the tools to understand pain and cope with it well.

Don't fret, regression doesn't mean you've lost your progress or that your progress was illusory. Rather, regression means your progress is being held back by something you aren't willing to confront. Emotional triggers exist in part to remind you of things you didn't handle well in the past. You will keep getting triggered until you've learned the knowledge/skills necessary to handle that sort of situation well. To be emotionally triggered is an opportunity for you to revisit your past pain and resolve whatever issue you couldn't at the time. However, most people react to being emotionally triggered by automatically replaying or repeating the mistakes of the past, which means the emotional trigger stays in place and even increases in intensity each time.

Regression is a defense mechanism, a primitive method of coping with stress, pain, or trauma. When you get emotionally triggered, the old emotions arise and this fools your brain into thinking that you're back in the same experience, when the trigger first formed, which urges you to behave the same way as you did back then. It's basically like getting transported back in time. The less self-awareness you have, the more serious the regression tends to be, because you can't see just how immature your behavior has suddenly become.

To overcome regression:

(1) Awareness: Improve your emotional intelligence so that you are aware of being emotionally triggered. Understand the logic of your emotional triggers by noting what kind of situations trigger you and linking them back to past stress, pain, or trauma.

(2) Detection: Observe the patterns of your regressive behavior. How do they begin? What do they look like? How do they end? How often do they appear? This information should help you detect regressive behavior earlier so that you can intervene and snap back to your senses sooner.

(3) Reflection: Identify the original source of the emotional trigger. Visualize the stressful situation, not from the viewpoint of your past self, but from the viewpoint of your more mature current self. How does your perspective of the situation change when you view it from the outside rather than the inside? E.g. How does it feel to witness a child being bullied rather than being the child bullied? This should help you get a more objective view of the situation. Objectivity helps disarm negative emotions by getting a healthy distance from them.

(4) Change the Narrative: Instead of automatically reacting to the negative emotions the same way you did before (as a child), use the tools that you currently have at your disposal to cope in a more mature way. Ask yourself: How should an adult handle this situation? E.g. Can you work through the negative emotions with a healthier strategy such as: breathing, mindfulness, assertiveness, or communication? If you still haven't learned healthier methods of coping, now is the time.

(5) Work Toward Closure: Every time you get emotionally triggered, practice using your healthier coping strategy. This gradually decreases the intensity of the emotions and you won't be as easily triggered over time.

Whether the emotional trigger eventually disappears or not isn't the main point. The main point is you are applying all the useful tools you've learned throughout life. By reinforcing these positive lessons, your self-esteem and self-confidence will improve. This is how one maintains and builds upon each step of personal growth.

[monstersinthecosmos]

KACY

I know we've talked about it before but never in depth really so I wanna know -- I think at least for me there's THOSE TWO BIG MOMENTS right:

the one where we instantly and impossibly imprinted on our VC faves like lost little ducklings

and then whatever followed that cemented that love for all eternity like- "oh yeah this is it, I don't even need to see or talk to anyone else, we're good"

so what were your Marius Moments? 🥹

!!!!! oh wow what a question!

I know for sure without a doubt that when Marius DEBUTS in TVL is when I was DONE FOR. Like the slow burn leading up to it with Lestat trying to find him and then when he finally shows up he's this like nurturing, comforting force that is so gentle with him!!!!!!!!

Like idk how everyone else feels but my first time reading VC I was just going in cold, like there was fandom on LJ and stuff but I wasn't really lurking (bc spoilers lol) so I was just going into each book completely fresh and ready for an adventure, so I remember feeling like TVL was this MYSTERY to me the first time and I was just so excited to even see what it was about. But TVL (even to this day) really takes off for me when Armand shows up and then like, Armand already intrigued me so much and I was like WHAT WHO * MADE * THIS GUY OH MY GOD and I was just mega excited to meet him.

And as for the second question, I'm not sure I really have an answer! Coming out of TVL he was my favorite character so any time he showed up I was so excited to see him. Again, to this day I think I kinda rank my enjoyment of the VCs depending how much Marius is in them. 😂 But when I first read VC, Merrick was the most current book and it took me a couple years to read and catch up (with the Mayfair detour bc Merrick was supposed to be a crossover lol) so B&G was my first VC that I got to like go out and buy when it came out and it was like THE NEW BOOK MORE VAMPIRES! And just wow like how exciting that I caught up in time for a WHOLE BOOK about my fav. 🥹🥹🥹

But reading B&G maybe cemented it? tbh it was such a long time ago it's hard to say. It's just kinda always been there. Like this all happened when I was 12-13 and it was my first like deep dive into adult books and like coming from reading kids's series and YA it was so weighty to me and gave me so much to think about. But like I vivdly remember the first time I read B&G I was in my room and I kept putting it down to cry because it made me so emotional. Like getting to really get that deep dive into his POV and understand how lonely he was and how conflicted he was about his beliefs.

As a 13 year old I think I connected to it with my own point of reference that's evolved over the years; I revisit the entire series every few years and get different things out of it each time, not just from getting older but also just being more educated as time goes on. And sometimes I wonder if he'd be my fav if I read it for the first time at 25, or even if I'd been born at a different time; like would I have felt the same way if I was 13 but it was 2017 and Tumblr was in full swing with radfem rheotric poisoning the well? idk. But I do know that every time I feel the same way, I still love him just as much, even when I pick apart more flaws I just appreciate this character so deeply.

Like yknow to read VC as a 13 year old who is severely bullied you connect with it as being about "outsiders". The year B&G came out a bully put me in the hospital by bashing my head open on a locker. Teachers at my school thought I was going to be a school shooter because I was goth and I liked horror films. So it's comforting to see someone who is an outsider and struggles with Christofascism but who is surviving. And reading B&G and hearing how much he struggled was so like grounding for me. I'm not sure I can explain it now without it sounding trite (and maybe it was trite bc I was 13). And like him being a savior & mentor to Lestat was so comforting to me like I think at that age my biggest fantasy was that a vampire could come steal me away from my difficult life LOL. I wanted someone to come save me!!!!!!!!!

And then you know, growing up, being in an abusive relationship, having people around me die, trying to understand how I identify as queer, how I navigate my relationship to my own creativity and what it means to me, growing as a person and trying to be the most mindful and empathetic version of myself that I can be; all of this stuff is all over VC and in that book in particular.

It just means a lot to me man!

And I love that VC asks us to empathize with bad people, it asks us to forgive people, it asks us if we're are only our worst deed and if we deserve love even when we've fucked up. Lestat and Marius have so much in common so I think these themes just permeate both of their stories so much in every book, but. Idk for whatever reason Marius is the one that stuck out to me and I've never been able to shake it!!!!!

[04tenno]

6, 12, 20, 23 & 25 for Sawashiro!

CHARACTER ASK GAME!!! 💫

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

I feel like I'd have to make the understatement of the century to make any of my experiences or characteristics sound equivalent to his LMAO but with something like the wiki, I can definitely relate to his frustrations with feeling like people don't pull their own weight or listen to my instructions, and I definitely don't hold back in expressing that. For better and for worse...

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

I guess it's semi-canon because of RGGO, but I like to think he wears perfume. Definitely something floral based on the petals in his heat aura...

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Arakawa bro this is NOT a QUESTION😭😭😭😭😭I'm certainly curious what his relationships with with various characters will be like in Infinite Wealth, but I don't think he'll ever have what he had with Arakawa again...

23. Favorite picture of this character?

There are a lot of pictures of him I like that actually have his face in the frame (the Tsutsumi bias is UNREAL believe me), but since I have the same brain as @todayisafridaynight (whom most of my followers also follow) and he's posted them a fair few times, I'll take a moment to highlight this particular shot. It always sticks out in my mind on a symbolic level. The way he deliberately bloodies the hand that was clean...

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

I was really thrown off! I loved Sawashiro's character from RGGO and the two couldn't be more different, in both design and and personality. Learning he was a faceclaim cleared up my confusion somewhat, but I was still apprehensive I wouldn't like him as much as I did RGGO's take on his character, since he was tied with Mine for my favorite main antagonist at the time. Although he's not exactly in the running for that particular title given he isn't a final-boss-level antagonist, he is now absolutely one of my favorite characters in the franchise to date.

In terms of how my impressions evolved throughout my experience of the game, that's a little harder to track. I believe RGGS were doing playthroughs of most of Chapter 1 up to Jo's final scene in that chapter, which is all it took for me to look forward to the rest. It should be noted I specifically watched the Japanese version when it came out, about a year prior to its Western release.

I think I'd seen his second boss fight's dynamic intro/transitions prior to actually getting to that point, I believe, and Well. They Were Sexy. What can I say... Unfortunately, something else I'd seen (been told against my will, rather) before that point was the plot twist, but it does speak to the writing and execution that despite this and the fact I thought his abusive background with his father was a little hokey at the time (<- WRONG), the combination of Coin Locker Baby (the entire chapter) as well as his "scene" in the epilogue solidified him as a favorite. Even before then, I found it intriguing to note things like his deference to authority and the lore conveyed through his battles themselves and to compare and contrast him with how RGGO's Sawashiro was executed.

I couldn't honestly say who I prefer between RGGO or YLAD's Sawashiros even at the time. If nothing else, I fully believe they're both the kinds of characters who get better and better the more you revisit and discuss them--I changed my mind on Sawashiro's abusive background just from seeing how well it ties in to his scenes with the rest of the Arakawa family unit, for example. Talking to Snap very much rekindled my love for him as well, and I'm super excited to see him back in Infinite Wealth!

[ga-yuu]

My Very HONEST Opinions on Clavis's route!

Let me first tell you one thing if you don't know! I did play this game on the day of its jp release. I was excited to play a new title from Ikemen series, after my most favorite game of all time Ikemen genjiden. I expected Ikemen prince to be much better than Ikemen genjiden BUT unfortunately....I didn't like it :(

My first route was Chevalier and I didn't enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would feel all sorts of emotions but I didn't. Then I played Yves route and...it was fine, but it still wasn't enough to make me wanna continue playing this game. Then I started some routes here and there but didn't go past chapter 1. I uninstalled it and after some time when heard the news that it's getting an eng ver. instead of Ikemen genjiden---I admit I WAS SUPER SALTY!! I didn't play the game anymore after that.

Now, there's no exciting news from Ikemen genjiden and the next route will be coming out in late Apr or early May. I had free time, so I thought I would revisit the other Ikemen games I once stopped playing and you guys voted me to play Ikemen prince. I did. I played Clavis's route and OMG! IT'S FUCKING CUTE!!!

Clavis's route is really really cute and it's really sad that this wasn't the first route in Ikemen prince because if it was, it would have left a great first impression on me. I loved the overall theme of his story. A story about a loser working hard every day and trying his best to be like his perfect brother but he still can't beat him but he doesn't give up!! It's so perfect. The whole time I played his route, I was like "YOU CAN DO IT CLAVIS!! JUST THINK OUT OF THE BOX!! YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BEAT CHEVA IN THE BATTLE OF SWORDS, BUT IF YOU COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF PLAN THAT EVEN CHEVA CAN'T PROCESS, THEN YOU CAN BEAT HIM!!!" Yeah, that was me! And he did, at the end of his route. He took him off guard and stabbed Cheva!! YAYY!! I was cheering wholeheartedly because it's so beautiful to see a person's hard work pay off in the end. It was such a satisfying ending. I truly enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because it didn't feel like a love story.

But in the end, I realized that this is a romance game and it was chapter 24 or 25 something which means, according to Cybird's rule----"Sex scenes happen at chapter 24 or25. If any male lead tries to have sex with MC in the earlier chapters, the MC's male friend will come and cockblock the male lead." I'll talk more about their relationship afterward.

I was so focused on Clavis getting his win that I forgot about Emma. Emma for me was 50/50 in this route. In the earlier parts, she is annoyingly stupid and unfunny, but in the later parts, she does things that are commendable. Like encouraging Clavis to get up back onto his feet when Clavis was ready to give up, trying to bargain with Chevalier to get information about Clavis, going to the enemy territory illegally, and most importantly facing Mr. Obsidian without shivering. She did a great job so it wasn't a complete letdown.

Also, she's tsundere. The whole time she's like "No I'm not in love with you! STop looking at me like that! I don't love you! I'm not falling in love with you! I will NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A SCOUNDREL LIKE YOU!" The whole time I was rolling my eyes because I know every MC says this but they end up falling in love anyway. Has there been any one MC that has actually stuck to her words? (*thinking hard* Yoshino? Nah! she too falls in love with Ibuki after promising that she would run away from him).

Another thing I wanna say is that if Clavis's route were to be the first route of this game then it would have left a good impression on me! I would have not uninstalled the game at all. The new characters introduced---Gilbert, Silvio and Keith...they did for me! They brought something into this game which I have been looking for the whole time and that was the feeling of tension! Gilbert is a threat. His appearance out of nowhere every time in this route is like a bomb and that enhances my experience because I get more interested in the game. Gilbert is a very intelligent character and fascinating as well. I'm 10000000000% sure that this guy knows everything about Emma and he also knows that the King is dead. Like I'm very very very sure that this guy has more than enough evidence to expose Emma's identity but is simply holding back because it's fun to watch Sariel and Emma trying to cover up by lying. It's really interesting, that's why whenever he shows up, I always end up laughing out loud because I know that he knows that Emma is Belle. Also, Sariel and other princes (except Cheva) naively thinking that Gilbert is still 'suspecting' about Emma being Belle is just stupid. How long are they gonna keep lying? Gilbert can simply place all the evidence on the table if he wants to. What will Sariel do at that time? So yeah, thanks for adding three new villain characters Cybird, you made me wanna play this game now.

Things that I liked:

I loved Clavis's mischievous personality and how he's so positive when everyone else is actually running away from him. I love how he makes pit traps for Yves and Licht, throws smoke bombs at Sariel, knows sneaky tricks like unlocking a lock etc. I loved how he used those tricks as a weapon to beat Cheva. It's cute. He may not be the textbook definition of a prince, but hey, he's the prince who would protect his own people at the cost of his life. So you can blindly trust him.

I loved how they showed his relationship with his people and his mother. Even if it's only for one chapter, it was still good that they showed it, because it made me like him even more. It made me wanna root for him more. Also revealing what is inside his room, made me almost cry.

His relationship with Cyran. I loved it! They are cute! They're like buddies! I love their relationship. It's great!

The humor. Clavis has a good sense of humor. I wish Emma could have matched that. Unfortunately, she couldn't. Tsundere MC didn't match Clavis, maybe a much more fun-loving, considerate, and straightforward could have worked better. She could have played along with him and catch him off guard sometimes. Clavis and Emma's relationship, to be honest, it was fine. But I wish they were more like partners in crime rather than lovers. I wish they were more like best friends than lovers. I wanted Emma to be like a, how should I put this, kinda like a second mother to Clavis. I wish she was shown to be enjoying Clavis's little pranks and laughing it off. But all the time she sees Clavis as a scoundrel. I mean doesn't she like to have fun? Whatever. I wished they were best friends rather than lovers because I wasn't getting sexual tension between them at all.

Things I didn't like:

Other male leads feel like side characters. Other than Chevalier, who is Clavis's nemesis, the other princes don't have much of scenes other than Emma simply asking "What would they do if they become the king?" Nockto had two scenes and in one of them, he didn't even have any lines. If it hadn't been for these two scenes, I would have forgotten his existence. Leon only had one scene and that was him answering Emma's question. Emma just ask this one question and that's it! Done. After that, the whole route is about Clavis. I know he's the main lead, but it would have been nice if they had more scenes about them talking about their ambitions and stuff, but the scene just cuts to black all the time.

I think that's all I have to say about this route. It was a fun experience for sure. I enjoyed it!

[beachedmessagebottles]

Journal Entry

Summary: A peculiar Pokémon Platinum is picked up by a child named Kate, the journal feature showing words it normally doesn’t.

CW: Alluded to subjects of childhood fear, abandonment, loneliness, nightmares, sentient game characters, and game deletion.

I don’t think I need much of an introduction, everyone likes Pokémon. Okay, that’s not necessarily true, but it’s popular, and I like it. I liked it since I was a little kid. However, I spent a long time actually being afraid of Pokémon games when I was younger? I was in elementary school when I got my first Pokémon game. People might call me a fraidy-cat, but everybody has a stupid fear when they were a kid. Kids are imaginative.

I don’t really know how to describe this in rational thought. I recently revisited it and well… I can’t. I just can’t tell what to make of it. I offer no reasonings, no logic, nothing to make sense of this. It just is. Maybe I should just start already.

I got Pokémon Platinum for Christmas when I was little. I was a little worried because of Giratina on the cover but Palkia and Dialga didn’t strike me as ‘really cool’ either. I thought perhaps if it ever showed up, a grown-up could help me scare it away. I knew of Pokémon due to the anime I caught sometimes when watching TV, that’s why I wanted it, but at that point I didn’t know many legendaries or the formula, I didn’t know it was at the end of the game. I thought it would appear at any moment.

I still played it of course despite me being a little shaken, I was still excited it was a new game to play. I’d just choose the ones I actually found cute or cool. So, I started and it was standard normal fair. I named my character my own name, I named my rival (though kept it as Barry), and chose my first Pokémon, a cute little Piplup named ‘PENGIE.’

My journey was normal. I didn’t know what I was doing and fainted constantly, but I was having fun at least. I saved maybe about once, and I skipped over boring tutorials because they didn’t interest little me. I eventually got all my stuff from my in-game mom. The journal somewhat peaked my interest, could I write in it? It turns out, I couldn’t, it records bits and pieces of your adventure with help from the clock, a little reminder on what you were doing each day, like if you caught a Pokémon. I don’t find it all that helpful in my adult years but right then and there I liked to pretend I was writing it down myself.

December 25 Thursday

Started from Twinleaf Town.

For some reason, those words just made me very happy.

One day though, I made a crucial mistake of not saving. I was horribly upset that I lost some progress. I had lost my first badge but even more upset I was at losing some of my Pokémon. The journal booting up proved that. In some desperate attempt to prove myself wrong I flipped through the pages.

December 29 Monday

STARLY was caught (Day) Route 202

BIDOOF was caught (Day) Route 204

BIDOOF was caught (Day) Route 204

Remember to save!

I was ecstatic that it remembered. I didn’t notice if they technically weren’t the same Pokémon I had actually caught. They were them in my mind. I quickly rushed to catch them again and swore I’d never let them go. I saved immediately after that, not taking my second chance for granted. I never forgot to save after that. Just in case I reset the game to calm my nerves that they’d actually be still there.

December 29 Monday

STARLY was caught (Day) Route 202

BIDOOF was caught (Day) Route 204

BIDOOF was caught (Day) Route 204

Don’t worry KATE, you’ll remember.

I’ll help you until then.

It was comforting, but I didn’t know exactly whoever was talking to me. I flipped the page.

December 29 Monday

Oh! That’s right!

I haven’t introduced myself!

We have the same name,

But you can call me DAWN.

I hope you like the world of Pokémon.

And I did. I loved it. I was absolutely fine until Floaroma Town. There were sketchy Plasma members I was warned about, but the fact they were holding a little girl’s father hostage wasn’t a pleasant thought. I didn’t want to touch the game for a while before gathering the courage to.

January 10 Saturday

Started in Floaroma Town.

I know you’re scared

But we can’t let this happen

Our Pokémon are by our side

I’m by your side.

Be careful with Mars.

I didn’t know who Mars was yet, but I took Dawn’s advice. I pieced together that she was the player character with how she referred to the Pokémon I caught. Every time I saved she wrote in a journal, or at least the icon was, it made perfect sense to me. I followed her word however, the Purrugly hit hard, but with Dawn’s warning, we took it down with ease.

It was like this for the rest of the game. She would tell me what to do and I’d follow it, I didn’t know about EVs and IVs but Dawn did. She told me to attack specific Pokémon, build the best team I could while also letting me pick the ones I absolutely had to have at that exact moment, focus on the harder battles ahead while grinding so I didn’t lose too much steam.

The story however I didn’t like as much, the shaking of my screen while Team Plasma attacked lakes was too much. Dawn said that they needed our help, but I couldn’t listen.

February 20 Friday

You’ve been gone a while.

I’m sorry, if it was too much.

We can train instead?

March 11 Wednesday

Hi again, KATE!

Are you ready now?

March 12 Thursday

Is that a no?

We can focus on the POKÉDEX!

May 31 Sunday

Is it that bad? Are you that scared?

We’re friends, right, KATE? You can tell me.

June 4 Thursday

It’s summer now, isn’t it?

Are you more free?

Thank you for finishing up the lakes.

She wasn’t as talkative in the summertime. I felt bad, so I kept avoiding it. I don’t know why, it would’ve been easier to tell her that I was. Did I just not want to admit it? It happened so long ago my memory’s somewhat hazy of that summer.

What I won’t forget is everyone’s first jumpscare. Giratina’s red pupils might as well have bored into my soul as it swept at my face. I grimaced, shutting the game off. Remembering the reset would only go back, I hid under my covers as I turned it back on.

July 8 Wednesday

Oh.

I forgot.

I’m so sorry. Please don’t go.

July 8 Wednesday

I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t want you to be scared.

It’s not real. It won’t hurt you.

Despite those words, I shut my eyes tight during the start screen and now the cutscene with Giratina. The Distortion World made no sense. I nearly broke down in tears as I caught it in the Master Ball.

July 8 Wednesday

You’re so brave, Kate.

I’m sorry that I had to continue.

You can leave anytime. I won’t blame you.

I don’t want to lie to you.

I’ll tell more when you come back.

See you… sometime.

I had nightmares for a long while of that place, I fell through holes, I got lost in circles, Giratina dragged me down to the depths of darkness. Its wings pierced and out my body in a cage if it’s skeletal-like wings. The Master Ball would jiggle until the third and final time, with a sickening crack, its roar deafening my ears. I hated it so much.

I tried at least to gather the courage, she had said she’d explain, but I didn’t want to see that hideous thing ever again, so I avoided the boxes as much as I could while making my final way up to the champion’s title while shivering in my boots.

August 3 Monday

You’re back, you’re really back!

I’m so glad. I thought you’d left for good.

The truth is I’m not supposed to talk to you

I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling.

But I wanted to so much,

I wanted to meet my friend.

My player.

I, Dawn, am just who you are here in the world.

August 3 Monday

I could tell by the mic, you’re pretty young.

So I wanted to guide you on your first journey.

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense.

Just know you’ll always make me happy.

That’s all I want to make you.

She just wanted to make me happy and yet, I couldn’t be happy, with it hanging over my head. Not that a little kid would’ve understood the sword of Damocles, but to me it was exactly like that. If I went into my boxes, there it would be. I refused. I shuddered. I perished the thought. To never see it again, I’d have to get rid of it, but I couldn’t face it, not as pixels on a screen, not on the box, not on the cartridge.

She wanted to be happy for me, I wanted to be rid of this horrid thing. I swallowed, I just had to finish. Though I dared not enter the boxes, she tried to prepare me anyways. Rare candies hidden in secret spots, all the elixirs and potions I could hold, the coveted revives. A trick of saving before and after every Elite 4 member. I was unfortunately ready.

It was tough, when you can’t swap around the members due to stubbornness, yet I managed, PENGIE had stayed all the way in the team, and my other Pokémon weren’t much to scoff at after training, even if little me wanted to bring in less stronger Pokémon like Chatot. Dawn didn’t say much to it, presumably awkwardly, though she commented she liked it’s voice clip, a cut off of me saying ‘hi.’

Any Pokémon game can be won, even if it’s Champion is tough as nails, I threw myself at her over and over until it was done, the ace Garchomp whittled down to its last hit points. I held my breath at the last move— we had won. The look back of Dawn and all our Pokémon was sweet. Too sweet for me as I stared back at the cover case of the game, goosebumps littering my skin. I didn’t want to be here anymore, I didn’t want to see it anymore.

I can make our last play-throughs count. She’ll understand, I’m happy that we won, at least. So, she’ll be happy too with what I can give her. With all the money I had left over, I went to work, buying all the balls I could.

August 4 Sunday

That’s a lot of Pokéballs,

are you finishing the Dex?

There’s some that are trade evolutions.

You’ll have to trade with other people.

I didn’t do that.

I walked into the tall grass, expecting to find say a Rattata, fodder. I instead found a new Pokémon I had helped before, and it had helped me. Mesprit. I was amazed about it roaming around, even though I had been told before. I lobbed a ball at it, full health. It refused to stay. It didn’t say the usual text though when the ball broke open.

What am I doing wrong?

Huh. Was that Dawn? It couldn’t be, she only spoke through the entries. I tossed another ball.

I want to be a good guide for her. For Kate.

It was her. Being curious, I chose the regular Pokéball, but I only had a few left at this point.

What’s she doing?

Is this my fault? Am I scaring her?

The game is.

But I can’t change that.

I want to be a good trainer for her.

It’s not supposed to be ‘scary.’

What will happen to me?

We’re supposed to be friends.

I’m scared.

I want to convince her but I can’t force her.

I don’t want her to leave.

I can’t think when the game is off.

I’m scared.

I’m just a kid too.

Mesprit used Struggle!

It’s health dropped a little, and the dialogue went back to normal, no matter what I chose.

I think I turned the game off then. I don’t know, it’s been years.

Dawn was just an imaginary friend I had as a kid. I found my DS, dusty and old with the cartridge in, it took a while to charge it, I couldn’t find the plug. A rush of nostalgia came to me, Giratina doesn’t scare me anymore, I’m older now, I’m an adult. How could it?

The journal opened up.

September 13 Tuesday

Kate? Is that you?

You’re back?

You’re actually back?

I blinked. I flipped the page.

September 13 Tuesday

You’re so old now.

But you’re back.

You didn’t leave me.

One more page. My screen was suddenly wet with tears.

September 13 Tuesday

I’m so happy.

The game doesn’t move. I pressed any button I could. There was no response. I pressed the power button to reset.

The save file has been erased due to corruption or damage.

[cryptidanathema]

jasper

Why I like them: He turned out to be a much more complicated character than he seemed to be on the surface. It took me until his literal last scene in the game to realize this but damn if that scene didn't paint all of his actions in a new light. Like yeah he's still a bastard but you saw WHY he became the way he did. How easily it all could have been avoided. How he and Hendrik deserved the chance to move past the lies that poisoned their relationship without him having to be a ghost living in his armor. It hurt in a weird way. He became my first true character hyperfixation and honestly opened my mind to engaging with fiction in a whole new way. No one deserves to be painted in the Crying Lucifer Painting pose more than him lol 

Why I don’t: I will forever have a chip in my shoulder that he didn't get a redemption arc, sorrynotsorry. Even Party Chat tries to desperately downplay the significance of the armor scene if you check it on the now-memorial balcony. On a lighter note the fact I missed 99.9% of the Piers fandom is entirely his fault because I was too busy hyperfixating on him lol. Also, the classism. The classism is bad, mkay? :P

Favorite line: His melodramatic evil speech in the throne room where he lists love first as something he's given up on is hard to beat. Also his final line in the game being "we will never be apart again'...yeah 🥲😭

Favorite outfit: The evil queen ensemble. It's so...very.  Exactly the sort of thing a raging disaster gay that designs his own outfits (according to the character book) that's devoted himself to eeevil would wear. 

OTP: He literally only makes sense as a character if you assume he was extremely, painfully gay for Hendrik and sublimating it in a WEIRD way. And Hendrik certainly showed enough signs of feeling the same way (the way he clutches his necklace to his chest after his death in the first timeline...) Mordegon and Heliodor's toxic monarchy just got in the way... 

Brotp: Jade was apparently just as close to him as she was to Hendrik but the game NEVER EXPLORES THIS AT ALL. Also I think he and Sylvando could have been absolute terrors together lol. And I've always liked the headcanons where he and Mia bond over their shared pain and rage at their (perceived) abandonment. 

Head Canon: Quite a few, so I'll just share one that he wrote the MOST emo poetry as a pining teen, something he will never admit to on pain of death as an adult. I'll also bring up the fact he's successfully taken over the world but still paying for cake as proof he's not as happy as he thought he'd be and eating his feelings about it in Act 2 lol

Unpopular opinion: No one reads deeply enough into him, everyone takes the bullshit he tells himself at face value even when he directly contradicts himself *eyetwitch* I often suspected I was literally the only person right about him lol. Also, the Gay Armor Marriage was incredibly touching, but not enough. He shouldn't have died at all. Also while I've read Jasper/Sylvando fic and enjoyed it before I don't really ship him or Hendrik with Sylv myself which kinda feels like a minority take in this fandom 

A wish: At this point I can only hope he gets the Psaro treatment where his death is avoided entirely when the game is rereleased in like 25 years 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I honestly don't want Square to revisit him, they treated him so harshly compared to other villains of the same caliber that pretty much got away with everything so yeah, just leave the angry wet cat man alone guys...

5 words to best describe them: Poor little meow meow supreme 💛

My nickname for them: Bastard son, the Purple Titty Monster (for Unbound obviously)

[labelle-dame-sansmerci]

Interview with The Vampire - Part I: An Annotation

Page 5

1791, and Louis is 25 years old

Louis has obviously traveled because his accent has faded over the years, but remnants of it remain, as noted by "boy"

Page 7-8

"Then he told me about the visions. Both St. Dominic and the Blessed Virgin Mary...had told him he was to sell all our property...everything we owned, and use the money to do God's work in France"

It's interesting that his brother (Paul, not yet named) mentions selling the plantation to do God's work but never mentions freeing or doing right by the people working their fields.

Page 9

Why would a holy man commit su!cide? Especially a devout Catholic.

Was Louis' brother "helped" to his end?

Page 10

This has to be the birth of Louis' guilt, receiving unfounded blame from everyone for his brother's death.

Page 11

"And then I was attacked...it was a vampire."

Enter Lestat (although he has not yet been named)

Page 14

"I saw my life as if I stood apart from it, the vanity, the self-serving, the constant fleeing from one petty annoyance after another, the lip service to God and the Virgin and a host of saints whose names filled my prayer books, none who made the slightest difference in a narrow materialistic and selfish existence. I saw my real gods...the gods of most men."

Louis revisits the foundations of faith, belief and spiritual trust.

Lestat didn't ask Louis to be his companion; however, his words convinced Louis to join him.

Page 15

Louis' comparison of his transformation to sex might be the first sign of AR's idea of intimacy for vampires as the blood exchange.

AR names Lestat.

Page 16

Louis focuses on how the death of the overseer made him feel squeamish and sick, but as a slave owner, was he this morally inclined towards the people working his land?

Page 17

WHY IS LOUIS AROUSED. Red flag???

"But the other light was my wish for self-destruction. My desire to be thoroughly damned."

Still, the consistent guilt and wish to destroy himself.

"As I said, he was determined to have the plantation."

Everyone in Louis' life needs/wants something from him.

Page 18

AR names Louis

"...he lay down beside me...his movement so graceful and so personal that at once it made me think of a lover..."

The tenderness in which Lestat holds Louis to unmake and remake him is delicate, gentle, sensual and caring. It's intimate.

Page 19

"It is your consciousness, your will, which must keep you alive."

There's something poetic about telling a su!cidal man that he needs to find the will to live so he can be reborn.

There's a morbid symmetry to Louis being reborn where his brother died.

Implications of Lestat being Louis' angel of death

"that shimmer of light now hung behind his head like the backdrop of an apparition"

Page 20 & 21

Louis, for SURE has mommy issues - he refers to the women, their breasts and comfort and sustenance twice in the span of two pages.

Page 22 & 25

Lestat is very cold and detached in Louis' post-bite transformation experience.

Page 27

It's just how the world was, but I have to admit I'm repeatedly uncomfortable with Louis' thoughts on his slaves. Even when he feels he's complimenting or dolling out praise - it's awkward.

Page 29

"...when I sucked the blood from Lestat's wrist and felt his heart pound with my heart. It is again and again a celebration of that experience; because for vampires that is the ultimate experience."

More evidence of the blood exchange being AR's intimacy and sensuality for vampires.

Page 32

Louis' first acknowledgement of love or relation to it is the idea of seeing/experiencing/understanding the world with renewed inspiration due to his ability to appreciate it and the time to do so.

Page 34

AR names Paul

Page 45

Louis remarks that Lestat is "just a killer" and that being a vampire meant an opportunity for revenge.

If we think more about that, we have to consider that while Lestat was cold and maniacal, something truly traumatic must have happened to him to have this scorch-the-earth mentality. This obviously doesn't absolve his behavior.

Page 55

We're introduced to the origins of Lestat's trauma.

Page 59

Another angel comparison

At this point is quite plain that Louis is arrogant and prideful in his own way. Self-righteous.

Page 61

Louis practically likens himself to a guardian angel

"Did I not help you at the very moment when you needed most guidance...Did I not twice offer you good counsel? And haven't I watched over your happiness ever since?"

Page 62

Louis refers to the taking of Babette's life in intimate terms Saying that he could only ever come to know her:

"...through the one final way; to take her life, to become one with her in an embrace of death when my soul would become one with her heart and nourished with it."

Page 63

L&L have been companions for four years

Page 64

Louis again references love - this time, it's an appreciation of Babette's personal qualities.

Page 72

Even in this life after death, Louis' existence is a never-ending identity crisis.

Page 81

Is Lestat being helpful?

Page 83 - 85

At this moment, when Louis and Lestat are conversing about vampires in groups, there's always one in service to another, and Lestat says that vampires increase through slavery.

Lestat is a terrorist.

I found it interesting that they're having this conversation about slavery, and AR set this story during a time of slavery where one group of people are profiting from the life force and servitude of another group of people. Almost like a subliminal message that, in their own way, slave owners are vampires, sucking the life out of others and increasing their own wealth through slavery.

Page 86 & 87

Does Lestat receive Louis' rejection of a "full" vampire life, as Lestat has described it, as a rejection of him?

Is Lestat trying to create camaraderie?

Also, are these moments of rare physical contact between the two?

Page 88 & 91

More angel references

Enter Claudia

Page 94

Lestat doesn't want to be alone.

"Keeping me with him, that was undoubtedly part of what pushed him."

Page 95

Louis brushing off questions about the origins of Lestat's trauma, not really wanting to give it thought, is understandable but dismissive at the same time.

Page 103

Claudia is terrifying. There's an unnatural coldness about her - one that surpasses the insanity of Lestat.

Page 116

Claudia is 65 years old - that would make L&L's time together almost 70 years..?

Page 121

Claudia really is a little Lestat with more coldness and less regard for others.

Page 131

"And I hope it's a beautiful woman with endowments you'll never possess..."

Jesu Christo, Lestat!

Page 134

Lestat looking towards Louis for aid, pulls at the heartstrings - despite their combative relationship, I think he expects his companion of several decades to protect him. I suspect in many ways, Lestat has gotten used to Louis in his life and feels a connection with him as a long-term companion.

Lestat crying to God is surprising - glance back and see what his relationship with religion was prior to this scene.

Page 137 & 138

Louis is in pain. Lestat's death has definitely emotionally maimed him.

He misses the familiarity of Lestat.

I think his soul feels Lestat calling to him - there's something very personal about his wading solo into the water with his companion's body, letting the water claim it.

They are most definitely connected.

Louis is experiencing grief in a way he hasn't expressed grief for others.

Page 139

Claudia is emotionally manipulative - crying to bring Louis back to her was calculated.

Page 142

More angel references

                                               END OF PART 1

Final Thoughts on Part 1

Louis

·         Louis has traded Lestat's control for Claudia's.

·         Louis still feels in a very humane way, and for that reason, I don't think he will ever find his equal in an immortal companion.

·         I think there’s a darkness to Louis that we aren’t fully experiencing because he’s narrating.

·         Louis obviously has mental health issues, but he also has a victim mindset which is potentially quite toxic.

·         Louis might not admit it, but I suspect he’s quite attached to Lestat because he remained with him for nearly 70 years and mourned him when after Claudia poisoned him.

 Claudia

·         Lestat's demise needed to happen, but in the same way, Claudia also needs a reckoning - she's out of control.

·         Claudia is eerily similar to Lestat in terms of her premeditated and callous behavior. Despite the humanity Louis tried to pour into her ear, she experiences everything in a very cold and detached way.

 Lestat

·         Louis implies that Lestat turned him for his plantation, but I believe Lestat must have desired him on some level because Lestat could have easily turned his sister, killed Louis, and assumed full ownership of the property.

AR

·         Intimacy in this universe is very much about the desire for and exchange of blood.

·         Rice really plays into the religious themes with an emphasis to heavenly beings.

This is reposted from my Reddit

[niennawept]

25, 29 for the fic writer asks?

Hi! Sorry for the delay - been busy the past few days! Thank you very much for asking. I had actually forgotten I wrote the scene below, and it was nice to revisit the "darling graveyard" to pick out a something I had to cut.

25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing?

Yes. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but yes. Particularly emotional scenes will sometimes make me cry. There's this one future scene that I cannot think about seriously without getting teary, so I know I'm gonna be a wreck when we get there.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

So this never fit into Scars anywhere, but I do imagine this conversation happened offscreen at some point, but the results were summarized somewhere else in the fic. Palariel stands up for the Southlanders (SFW, but cw: discussions of forced labor and whippings):

“I have just been to tend the humans,” Palariel said, with a careful, even tone. She set her medical supplies down against the nearest carved table leg. When he did not reply, she leaned across the surface — her red-gold hair fanned out over the worn map of the Southlands, obscuring his work.  “What of it?” Weary eyes met her own and she fought the softening of her resolve. This was a conversation that she must have. If she did not advocate for the captives, not one would. “They cannot keep up this pace. And I have treated more lash wounds today than I have in centuries. This needs to stop.”  Adar’s expression did not change, not even in the small ways she had come to notice with time. “What would you have me do?”  She had thought about the way to address this as she tended welts and stitched lacerations with silkthistle thread, planning her strategy like she plotted to win at logic games against Mahtan in Valinor. This was a negotiation that she must win. “Allow them rest. They are bone-tired and getting weaker all the time. If we do not slow down, they will be worn through and who then will dig your trenches? We do not have enough uruks to complete it alone.”  There — a flicker of frustration in his brow. “No.”  “Why?”  He exhaled with thinly-veiled displeasure — irritated that she would not drop it. “Because our position is exposed. Every moment we do not work extends the time that we risk being found and ridden down in a cavalry charge by your kin.”  “What remains of my kin are in Valinor, singing the praises of beings who would not help any who linger still in Middle Earth, and most especially not us. But I see your point.” Now was the time to ask for what she truly wanted. For he had already denied her once and this request was smaller, easier to say yes to. She placed her hand over his much larger one, soft as a summer wind. “Can they not be less brutal in punishments at least? The humans cannot handle both the haste and the lash. They are tearing their injuries open anew each day and compounding them from it. The blood loss alone will take them, if infection does not. If it continues, many will not be able to work at all.”  He stared at her hand on his, clearly weighing the options.  “They will not work without it,” he said, firm decision in the lines of his body. He drew away from her. But she would not let him end this. “You don’t know that for certain,” she said, walking around the table. “Memory is a powerful thing. I have not been set to dig in two moons but I flinch still at the sound of a whip. I think that they can be persuaded.”   He was weighing her words; she could tell. Wondering how much of the truth she spoke and how much of it was what she must say to spare them. When he said nothing, she advanced again. “Please. You need only try it for a day, perhaps two. If I am wrong, what have you lost?” He was silent for a long time. Palariel forced herself to wait. Holding very still lest she shatter the fragile quiet of the tent. The tension in her was close to snapping, a thread stretched taut. But she waited.  “Fine. But if they slow because of it, I will not spare them again.” “I understand,” she acknowledged at a whisper, but her mind was already whirling with ideas about how to get the Southlanders to comply. She would have only one night to think on them before trying to convince Ethelred when she returned to renew Royse’s fever medication. Another day, another compromise, another negotiation.

I wish it had fit, but there were other things I needed them to talk about at the time, so it got summarized and cut.

[grandhotelabyss]

You know what, though, about that last post on Sontag and Paglia: since writing it, I've had what they call a download.

There's an expression: "be careful what you get good at." When I was a kid, back in the monoculture, we all went to see the now-forgotten Oscar-bait Richard Dreyfuss vehicle, Mr. Holland's Opus, about an ambitious composer who takes a high-school teaching job, never writes his masterpiece, and discovers in age that his life-long pedagogy and its inspiring effect on his students has been his real chef-d'œuvre. In middle school, my friend Dan and I, who had begun to collaborate on our own comic books, were horrified by this movie. We were ambitious artists! Is this what adulthood would do to us?

The movie's tagline, borrowed from John Lennon, evocative of its resigned melancholy to the missed opportunities and failed utopias of the 1960s, is, "Life is what happens to you / While you're busy making other plans." But my life's not that different now. Sam Worthington and I were plotting outside the local riverfront arthouse theater last night—there was a Lynch revival; I was there to see Mulholland Dr. for the first time in a theater since, well, the first time, just a month after 9/11, though the film's elegy for America wasn't as evident then as it is now—to start a new art movement and save the culture, wildfire smoke from Canada smothering the city (unreal city) on the other side of the Mississippi.

(All of the above is why I placed a little allusion to the film—Mr. Holland's Opus, alas, not Mulholland Dr.—in my novel-in-progress Major Arcana, by the way. Please don't run out and see this weepy old movie on my account—I myself haven't seen it in over 25 years—but if you've already watched it, you might revisit MA, Part One, Chapter 8.)

Now teaching has been fine for me, actually. I can see why other artists and writers find that it misleads them, takes them away from their real work, but it doesn't affect me that way, first, because it keeps me close to the arts of reading and interpretation as practical and performed arts, and second, because it introduces me to some 50 to 100 new people a year. Both of these, I believe, can only improve me as a writer, and my fictional characters' bitter remarks about their own students, especially when these characters are frustrated artists like Simon Magnus or Alice Nicchio-Strand, should never be mistaken for my views.

Criticism, though, is my "be careful what you get good at." A comparative book-length belletristic essay on Sontag and Paglia—it's a good idea, let's face it, one of those good ideas whose obviousness makes it better than something more flashily counterintuitive would be. Why on earth hasn't this been written yet? And look, I'll write it if somebody pays me; I'm not proud. But Anna K needs to write a book before she dies, as I believe Dasha was just telling her, so let her write it. Because I don't really want to do it. I was on a podcast recently—it hasn't come out yet; I'll let you know; not Red Scare—and the host asked me if I wanted to write a nonfiction book, and I said, truthfully, no, not really.

Sontag herself offers a cautionary tale here: the supreme critic as frustrated artist, berating everyone at the end of her days that they shouldn't bother with her essays, that her novels are all that really matter. I myself have never read even one of her novels. (Mea culpa, maestra—I will read at least The Volcano Lover this very summer.) And I understand this because I myself on bad days want to make people sign an affidavit that they've read each of my novels twice before they're allowed to read my criticism! And my criticism, such as it is, I want to say, is just a series of poems, not judgments as such, not pronouncements but moods, occasions for certain styles of thought. "You took my sadness out of context," I want to say when people treat my negative verdicts too seriously, as if I wanted to outlaw this or that way of writing. This is insane on my part, I know, and don't worry, I'm much nicer in real life than Sontag was.

Paglia, on the other hand, holds an ideal of scholarship qua scholarship that neither Sontag or I quite did or do. Paglia's father was a professor, remember, while Sontag and I hail from the true suburban lower middle class, "Lower Slobbovia" as she called it, quoting a comic strip: the kingdom of bêtise. We, Susan and I, are more lowbrow by origin than Camille, which is why we're so much more uneasy than she is with popular culture, but also equally uneasy in academe. Sontag wasn't, as Sigrid Nunez once clarified, a snob—how could she have been?—only an elitist, which, in art, is fair.

(I dedicate that observation to anyone who wants to say I shouldn't write about two lesbians; there are infinite microscopic ridges and hollows to every smooth-seeming facet of "identity," whatever that even is, and as much as I might miss something about their gender or sexuality—and then again, you know, I might not; I was raised in a lesbian-run beauty shop—a lesbian writer to the manner born is equally liable to miss something about their class, ethnicity, or religion. Nobody can say everything, but everybody has some part of everything to say.)

Anyway, my download was this. I've been saying to myself that 2023 is the year I relax my critical clench, unlearn my Arnoldianism, so to speak, as Sontag never quite unlearned hers; and I've been saying to myself, too, that when Major Arcana is finished—which it almost is for me if not for you; it's 50 chapters long, so you'll be reading it until next March—I would write a play. I've wanted to write a play in the abstract, on principle, as it were: I had no ideas for a play. Now I do.

(I should stop looking, ever, at Twitter, but today they're talking about what a bad play Hamlet is—not even a pseudo-political moral objection this time, though the prince is toxic, I'm sure, just about what a "mess" it is. My goal, then, is to write a play as bad as Hamlet.)

Anna K can write the prose treatise on Sontag and Paglia, but I'm writing their tragicomedy, under new names, of course: in the guise, in fact, of wholly new characters, characters in a dream, a dream of siege and sickness and spectacle, a Platonic dialogue on love in which these intellectuals' daemons—Walter Benjamin and Walter Pater, Simone Weil and Emily Dickinson—dance and duel. I call it Saturn Dreaming of Mars. I destine its completion for the end of the year. I plant my flag; I stake my claim; you heard it here first.