#rolled a fucking Nat 1 on that interaction

[beardedhandstoadshark]

Final Dokomi loot pic:

Social anxiety was starting to kick in hard by the time I realized there was more than one Hall and also I'm a lot poorer now but it was still fun <3

[hazelfoureyes]

The Safeword is RadioApple (part 1)

I’m gonna go ahead and apologize right now

Lucifer x FemaleReader x Alastor

Part 1 ꒰აMaleReader✧FemaleReader໒꒱ Part 2 ꒰აFemaleReader໒꒱ Part 3 ꒰აAlastorxLucifer໒꒱ tidbit (cute, not smut) Part 4 ꒰აFemaleReader໒꒱✨NEW✨ ₊⊹⁀➴ Lucifer wins⟡Alastor Wins

Alastor would give you anything, all you had to do was ask. When you asked for Lucifer, he delivered. But after seeing just how much you enjoyed Alastor’s rough handling, Lucifer takes a turn and gets a little lost in the pleasure.

tags/warnings/promises: Alastor x Reader, Lucifer x Reader, smut, RadioApple in a sense, fem reader, creampie, breath play, rough sex, Alastor is an eternal little shit, soft jazz, hard jazz, Luci calls himself Daddy, 🗣️ READER GETS SPITROASTED, threesome, cervix hulk smashed, half assed blowjob, help I got too horny on main

Minors dni

“Sir.”

Lucifer jumped, whipping around and shoving Alastor’s face away. “You are a living nightmare, fuck!” He hated being snuck up on, as most people do. Adjusting his hat, he looked around the hotel lobby to see if anyone else witnessed his personal jump scare. Charlie and Vaggie were seated nearby, but hadn’t paid them any attention.

“I aim to please! Now,” Alastor gestured to the stairs, “I, unfortunately, need to show you something upstairs.”

“Ha!” Lucifer forced out a laugh, “Ha. Haaa- Not a chance, scarecrow. Find someone else to search for your brain.” He smirked to himself. “Did you hear that Charlie? I made a joke.”

But Charlie was not laughing. She finally turned her focus to them. “Dad, you have to start trying to get along with Alastor.” She looked to Alastor who was nodding along as if he actually cared at all, “He’s trying to spend time with you. Come on, Dad. For me?”

With a pout, he dramatically crossed his arms, “Fine. I’ll play nice, for you. Not for him.” Lucifer glared daggers at Alastor. “Fuck him.”

“Daaad!” She groaned.

“Yeah yeah, I’m going.” 

Alastor let his microphone follow behind Lucifer’s back, an unseen and unfelt safety net so he couldn’t back out. When they approached Alastor’s door, Lucifer put up his hands as if to physically stop the situation from progressing, “There is no way in all of hell I am going in your bedroom.”

Alastor’s eyes rolled, frustrated already with the interaction. “Are you sure about that?” He pushed the door open, using his mic to make contact with the small of Lucifer’s back. He stopped resisting when he finally looked into the room.

He took a step in, willingly, and as he saw you sitting in the center of the bed in just your silk sleep robe, he let out a quiet, “What the fuck is this?”

Then a louder, “Heeey, kitten…”. The sound of the door locking made his head whip back to Alastor, teeth bared.

“Luci.”

Softened under the sound of his own name from your lips he brought his attention back to the bed.

It was no secret to anyone that you two were fond of each other. It was the little things you did that endeared the fallen angel to you, how you doted on him. Filling his glass at dinner when you noticed it getting close to empty, holding the door for him, keeping eye contact when he went off on some excited tangent.

Everyone was also aware you were Alastor’s person. And Alastor would give you anything you wanted in death; and today you happened to want Luci.

You’d seen the broadcasts of the King of Hell defending his daughter during the last extermination. The power he gave off, even from your screen, brought goosebumps down your arms. So when you found your way to the hotel, you were elated to see Lucifer himself readily available for interactions. Your luck continued, as your father’s love of jazz had been passed down to you and allowed the radio demon to notice your presence among the sea of new residents. Following the sounds of Nat ‘King’ Cole, he found you one evening in your room, and a mutual fondness for music bore a new friend. And then, more. 

Soon enough you were a regular member of the Hazbin Hotel core crew, by way of Alastor.

That’d been some months ago now, and you finally had the courage to ask Alastor for a special favor.

No part of him understood your motivation, but the idea of making the king of hell pussy-whipped to his darling was understanding enough. And, of course, the pleasure of watching you enjoy yourself. While he was capable all his own, he was happy to allow someone else to fill in. Not to mention—- no, actually, definitely mention the fact it would give him a little more power in the tense dynamic between himself and Lucifer.

For Alastor, sharing you physically wasn’t an issue. Sex was something he did for your pleasure, though he did enjoy the control he held over you in those intimate moments.

Watching you mewl under someone else, knowing he gave the permission, that Lucifer would never have a chance in Hell if The Radio Demon didn't allow it, made his head dizzy with the loss of blood flow. Whatever pleasure Lucifer could give you was pleasure he has granted you both. The idea of someone pining for you but never having a chance unless he says so made him feel powerful.

“I have a request, of sorts.” You tried to keep your smile still, cheeks twitching with pure nerves. The room was lit by only two small lamps on either nightstand and the light coming from the half open bathroom.

Lucifer approached you, making a dramatic point of going past Alastor. The radio demon chuckled, the king of hell scowled. He placed one knee on the end of the bed, trying to forget this was the spot you shared most nights with Alastor. His smile encouraged you to continue.

“You can say no.” You added quickly. 

“Why would I ever do that?” Lucifer continued to smile at you, too sweetly for what you were going to ask.

“Many reasons.” You added quicker. 

“Come on, tell Luci.” He laughed softly at the idea of denying you anything.

You pressed the tips of your index fingers together nervously, “I want you to fuck me.”

He tried to blink but his eyelids only seemed to rise further and further up his face with every attempt.

“You what now?”

His eyes darted to Alastor, who was now crawling onto the bed and settling behind you. 

“It was a fairly straightforward statement, sir.” Alastor’s tone was always teetering on mocking when he addressed Lucifer, “My dear would like you, for some god awful reason, to bed her.”

If this hadn’t been such a shock, Lucifer would have quipped, “Oh because you can’t, you overdressed maitre d’?”

But when he opened his mouth, there was nothing. He just stared at you. Alastor’s long legs and lanky arms came down beside you, behind you. You looked like the enticing light of an angler fish’s lure, sharp teeth shining just over your shoulder. 

“I thought-,” he motioned between the two of you.

You nodded, “Alastor is happy when I’m happy. And right now, I’d be overjoyed to spend an evening taking care of you.”

Oh, why couldn’t you have said it so sweetly the first time? Take care of him? You always did. Every time he felt something lacking he’d find you close behind offering him just the thing.

Whether a smile, or supportive word, or just a sympathetic ear.

Shifting onto your hands and knees, you crawled toward Lucifer. His face was flush, his brows knitted together in some mix of worry and confusion.

“You don’t have to do that, kitten. I don’t need that.” He reached out a hand to touch your cheek but stopped himself; he’d never touched you before. He had gone out of his way to avoid it, because he couldn’t bear what it would do to him. He’d just be hurting himself, he had thought. His hand began to pull away but you reached out with both of yours and took hold of his wrist.

“I don’t have to do anything, ever, Luci,” Alastor’s grin widened as you said it. A hum of approval only he could hear. A silent, ‘That’s my girl.’

“This is about what I want.” You leaned up to rest your cheek in his open palm, “I’ll accept any answer from you.” Your eyes staring up at him promised safety, “So, what do you want?”

He buried his face in his free hand, opening his fingers to look over you once more. In the shade of the canopied bed, Alastor sat motionless. But Lucifer couldn’t see him, not because of the shadows but because his focus was so purely on you. He had absolute tunnel vision, which happened often when you two would speak. Lucifer made a low sound, coming from somewhere deep in his chest,  hidden beneath all his shame and sense of inadequacy.

Your question was answered as he removed his hat, tossing it to the chaise lounge near the wall. You sat back on your legs and gave him space to remove his coat. Your heart seemed to double its pace, skin practically vibrating. A not-insignificant part of you expected a gentle but firm, “kindly fuck off.”

He seemed to be avoiding eye contact as he pulled his bow tie loose, only returning his knee to the bed when he’d kicked off his boots. Just the shifting of the weight of the bed made your thighs twitch, finally. Alastor leaned backed and watched, Lucifer’s gaze was full of uncertainty as he crawled to you. 

Hilarious. Already worth the price of admission. 

Both on your knees, you leaned up and placed a chaste kiss on Lucifer’s lips. Pulling back, you looked at him and he felt like we’re looking at the sun. Your face was so bright, and warm. What light were you reflecting back at him? Surely not his own. That was long dead. Long buried under bruised wings and lost promises. 

You snaked your fingers into his hair and brought him in for a deeper kiss. When you bit gently on his bottom lip, he shakily opened his mouth. Your grin spread across both of your faces as you pushed your way past his lips.

Lucifer’s tongue was long, and tapered more than you’d expected. It moved, unsure, against yours. Your hands slunk out of his hair and down his chest, sliding until finding the buttons of his vest. 

You felt him gasp into you, and when you began to open his shirt he pulled away, “It’s been… a very long time.”

A scream echoed in your skulll, your own scream, thankfully entirely in your mind. He was so cute. So soft. He looked so worried, you wanted to rip him to pieces with affection. Was that possible? You were going to try.

Your hands fumbled over his belt, the tremble in your fingers making the pants button feel like an aptitude test. Your mouth returned to him, kissing down his cheeks and into the space under his jaw. Finally you could slip your hand down into his pants, and you hissed without thinking.

He was painfully hard, throbbing head pressed into his skin. 

Did you do this? Had you gotten the King like this with just a question and a kiss? Tip nearly purple with pressure, you rested your forehead on his collarbone and watched his stomach jump as you wrapped your fingers around it.

Alastor fought back a laugh, tongue nearly cut clean off with the attempt. This was better than he had expected. And he had just the idea to push it over the top.

When your head dipped to swipe your tongue over Lucifer’s cock, you both startled at the sudden sound of music. First you looked to the radio, then to Alastor.

One hand was loosening his bow tie, the other unbuckling his pants. 

“Don’t stop on my accord,” he bit his bottom lip, watching your attention return to Lucifer’s lap.

Lucifer raised a finger in protest, “I wasn’t aware this was a group activity.”

“The more the merrier.” Alastor whipped his belt off and tossed it to the floor, other hand pulling his member free.

“Three’s a crowd.” 

“Two heads are better than one.” When Alastor lifted your robe away and sunk himself into you, no preparation, you moaned into the blonde hair at the base of Lucifer’s cock.

Your breath over his shaft and now down his balls made his hips buck against you. Your hands gripped at Lucifer’s thighs, trying to get steady enough to return your mouth to his waiting heat. You could smell his arousal, your head dizzy with so many of your senses being assaulted by both men. 

“You okay, kitten?” A concerned hand came to your cheek. 

Your watery, lust clouded eyes met his, “It feels so good, Luci.” His dick jerked. When you finally managed to get him in your mouth his head fell back, legs under him twitching with the need to move along to the bobbing of your head. Lucifer was wider than Alastor, the corners of your mouth burning as you tried to take in as much of him as possible. 

Alastor’s hand raked long nails down your back, a whine ran from your throat and down Lucifer’s shaft.  He moaned in turn, trying to not connect the dots between himself and Alastor.

“I think you may need a little demonstration, from someone more–, “ Alastor leaned down, his face now inches from Lucifer’s. His hand wrapped around your neck, “experienced.” He pulled you up by your throat.

Lucifer watched, your knees no longer touching the bed as Alastor fucked up into you. One hand gripping your throat, one arm holding your body against his. Your face began to redden, and your thighs noticeably clenching as best they could, legs open and feet on either side of Alastor’s body. Lucifer winced, you looked pained, he wanted—

“Aa--Alastor,” Your voice was like honey, thick and sweet around Alastor’s name. Lucifer’s face fell flat, how could he have that? What did he need to do to have you say his name in such a debauched way? Why did that gangly sack of bones get all of the fun?

“See? She can handle more than you’d expect.” Alastor grinned, planting a kiss on your neck. You could see Lucifer watching through your wet eyelashes, his cock twitching repeatedly as his hand finally came down to touch himself. 

With the hand not holding onto Alastor’s wrist at your throat, you reached out for Lucifer. “Luci.” 

Alastor let you fall forward. Keeping your hips in the air and knees dangling just above the comforter, he continued his rough pace into your sopping cunt. Pulling your body on and off of his length with harsh drags he watched you lick from the base to the top of Lucifer’s member. Each thrust from him knocking your chin against it. 

When you popped the head back into your mouth and moaned around it from Alastor’s continued fucking, Lucifer gripped your hair with both hands. Alastor’s own erection jumped in you, the king of hell himself buckling from his dearest’s mouth. He could break him entirely by just pulling you off of Lucifer’s cock and refusing to return you. He was positive Lucifer would cry into his ruined orgasm if he did such a thing.

Tempting.

But, he promised to play along, for you. And he would, at his own terms. 

He pushed aside the thought entirely, instead returning to the task in front of him. Your tongue was pinned down when Lucifer was in your mouth, cock too fat to allow any room for movement. You abandoned trying to suck him off, and changed tactics to lick and kiss the sensitive flesh in your hands. 

Lucifer’s mind was—- he wasn't sure where exactly. His consciousness splintered around you. The feeling of you; your tongue was swirling around him, the first contact he’s had other than himself in literal years. The sound of you; your soft moans and huffs were both audible and physical, the hot breath ghosting over him. The sight of you; head in his lap as he leaned back, your ass in the air and making a satisfying slapping noise every time– 

Alastor. His eyes met Lucifer’s and a wicked grin took hold of his features. Lucifer could practically hear Alastor whisper across your body, ‘Watch this.’ Maybe Alastor had thought it, but he kept it to himself. 

Your hands began pumping Lucifer’s length while your body was slightly dragged away as Alastor backed up and let your knees find some solid ground again. 

Lucifer sat on his legs still, eyes flitting from between your face to the place you and Alastor connected. He could see Alastor disappearing inside you, and every intrusion had you gasping and mewling into the blankets. Your hand was still gently stroking him with outstretched arms, eyes clenched close.

Alastor smirked up at Lucifer, coming down over your back to reach around your body and find your clit with his middle finger. Immediately, you reacted. Legs squeezing together, hands stilling around your king’s cock. With a bite and lick to your shoulder blade, the radio demon set a bruising pace against you. That warmth in your core was spreading down as you felt him press against your cervix with every kiss of his hips. 

You choked out his name, a chant Lucifer had never wanted to hear before now. How could you make Alastor’s name sound so delicious? He wrapped his fingers around yours on his dick and began moving with you. Your eyes rolled up to him, a weak smile forming before your orgasm made your jaw lock. Alastor knew your body so well, bringing you to orgasm was like playing a well practiced song on the piano. Both required strong and fast fingers and a sense of rhythm. 

With a few more deeper, shorter moves Alastor stilled, too. Your knees slid down as your hips sank into the bed. 

Lucifer let your hand go limp, swallowing hard. He wasn’t ignorant to the way Alastor smiled at him as he reclined into the headboard, tucking himself back into his pants. 

“I have complete faith in you, for once.” Alastor teased Lucifer, hand motioning to your still limp body. His smile seemed to dare Lucifer, challenge him, to keep going even with Alastor’s release sitting pretty in you. 

Luci took a deep breath, steadying himself mentally, before pushing the hair from your forehead, “Hey there, kitten. What do ya need?”

With an uncharacteristic hunger in your eyes, you forced your line of sight up to him, “You, Luci.” Visibly shuddering, you sat up and brought your legs towards him, your knees touching each other in an odd display of shyness. Your hand felt at your entrance, Alastor’s seed just beginning to find its way from your relaxed walls. 

“Is it okay?” You asked, spreading the thick fluid between your fingers in front of Luci. 

Something between a grimace and a pout came over him, it wasn’t his ideal situation but the idea of — just how much he’d slip and slide between your folds with the added lubrication made him feel feral. He wasn’t stupid, he knew Alastor hoped to ruin you and sour his experience. He decided to not allow it. 

With a kiss to his nose, you wrapped your arms around his neck and lied back. You weren’t sure you were breathing anymore when you felt his scorching head slot up with your entrance. He rubbed the leaking fluid over himself and you with swipes up and down your lips. The difference between his heat and the cooled cum made him shiver in turn. 

As he began to press into you, your body instinctively scooted away. It took both of your hands hooked under his arms to stay still enough for him to make any real headway. 

Luci stopped, your face clearly pained. Your head shook in response, “Please, you just have to keep going. I’ll adjust.” While both of his heads swelled with pride – Alastor’s cock clearly smaller – Luci didn’t notice the wild eyes of the radio demon. 

Alastor brought a hand to his face, red eyes peering between his spread fingers, smile threatening to break at the seams as he watched Lucifer Morningstar fucking his cum into his darling doe. 

 What a pitiful sight. How humiliating.

What would Charlie think of her big bad daddy? What would the other sins say? If they could see their king now, slick and shiny?

Your nails cut into his skin, and you were sure you were tearing slightly. Instead of attempting to thrust his way in, he chose to just continually press. The way your body seemed to be splitting made you second guess your decisions. But when his head finally popped in, your hole got some reprieve. He stopped, taking deep breaths. 

Tears were collecting on your waterline, Luci noticed and leaned on an elbow to wipe them away. His blonde hair was falling forward now, tickling at your forehead. 

You nodded, answering a question he didn’t ask, and he continued to force your walls open to accommodate him. The only sound in the room was the soft instrumental jazz number playing from atop the dresser. Your voice was stuck in your throat, Luci was focusing too hard to form words. Alastor could speak, but the music was just too enjoyable to interrupt. 

Finally, after what could have been two minutes or twenty, you felt Luci bottom out. You had to just lie there for a second, never having felt something so solid in your otherwise soft body. No slight to Alastor, who was perfectly skilled in his abilities. Luci was just—- more than you had expected. 

As he pulled out, you thanked the heavens and hell and the rings within that Alastor had left you so wet and already softened. The first few thrusts were genuinely uncomfortable, the pleasure you felt almost entirely mental, drawn from the reality of who was pulling your insides back and forth. You were so tight around him that he too was almost pained; so much pressure but no way to move enough to get any release.

Slowly, the ring of your entrance relented and Luci could finally move at a normal pace. He would take himself out to his head before slipping back in. Every thrust made your body spread around him, a semi-truck through a field of sunflowers. Your body didn’t stand a chance, and you were grateful he chose gentleness for his entrance.

He leaned back on both hands, using the position to fucked up into you at an angle. He knew very well where to hit to begin gathering your pleasure.

Alastor dropped his head, yours between his legs. His hair made a short curtain, hiding the look he was giving you from Luci. He adores the faces you make when you are happy. Excited. Pleasured. You tried to offer him a smile, but you couldn’t manage it for long. Your eyes would wretch shut, lips tighten as you focused on the feeling Luci was providing. Focused on the sensations, of being so full, so wet, so wanted. But Alastor was still watching, the sight of Luci blocked from his view as he enjoyed every little twitch of your mouth, every whimper. 

It wasn’t jealousy, it was something more personal that stung Luci. While he couldn’t actually discern the looks you two gave each other, Luci felt very much the odd man out. But, he considered his position. Literally. He was leaning as far from your body as he could. He remembered the way you said Alastor’s name. Alastor had showed him exactly what to do, albeit in his usual obnoxious, showy fashion.

Sitting up, Luci adjusted your legs and slotted himself between them. Alastor leaned back, relinquishing your focus. Both of you looked at Luci though as one of his hands came to enclose your throat.

Alastor was almost impressed. Almost. You brought both hands to wrap around his wrist, glancing to Alastor behind you.

The words came out of Alastor as half warning, half instruction, “If she needs you to stop, she’ll tap two fingers twice on you, wherever she can reach.” Lucifer nodded, eyes not meeting Alastor’s. He kept them on your face, watching for any sign of distress as he tightened his grip. The way your pussy clenched around him earned you a hiss.

He began to move again, the new position causing him to rub against your clit as he buried himself in you. More clenching; He tightened his grip more. 

“Are you sure she isn’t hurting?” Luci asked, your eyes closed and nails digging into his wrists.

“Nonsense. Can’t you feel her? Or does she just grip me like that?” The cocky expression made Luci unconsciously clench his fist on your neck. A gentle tap tap snapped him back to you. He loosened up again, his eyes large and apologetic.

You tightened your own grip on his dick, grinding up into him for more friction. Your body had finally relaxed, pleasure freely flowing from where you and Luci tangled together. You closed your eyes, the pressure constant on the veins to your head. Blood flow restricted just enough to lower your oxygen levels and raise the nitrogen oxide in your body. It resulted in a dizzying feeling, maybe there was a primal panic that caused your body to feel heightened pleasure. You didn’t feel scared, or in danger. You felt —— ah there it was. You felt weak. You felt docile. You felt like you existed purely to give pleasure and the idea turned you on. In every day life you’d never allow someone to use you, to push you around. You were anything but subservient. That’s why it was so enthralling now. It was so strange a sensation. And to give yourself so fully to the king of hell, the originator of all sin? You groaned, head rolling back. 

Luci watched your head loll, drank in your groans and gasps and felt himself get dizzy too. More. Say his name like you did Alastor’s. Praise how well he fucked you. Reward him. Love him.

He pulled out suddenly, his head leaving you for the first time since it managed to fit in initially. Luci put both hands on your hips and directed you to roll onto your stomach. He pulled your ass up, knees bent. You crawled up enough to rest your forehead on the crook of Alastor’s leg, one lazily outstretched and the other bent under him slightly. Luci wasted no time pushing back in. He leaned over you and pressed his hand into your back, forcing your chest to be slightly crushed into the bed. He pulled out and slammed back into you, tearing a yelp from you as he hit deeper than he had before. 

He stopped, unsure, until he felt your hand reach under yourself and rest at the junction of his knee and calf. His other hand came to your right hip, and he used it to keep you from sliding up the bed. Letting his eyes close again, he focused on the feeling of you around him. His crotch and thighs were soaking wet, his balls tight against him. Every drag out of you made his body jerk back into you with need. It felt so good, too good. He needed more. He pressed hard into you, oversized tip of his cock threatening to push past your cervix. He made shorter thrusts now, ensuring he bottomed out every time. It was too deep, too much of a stretch. Your moans slowly devolved into screams, the pleasure mixed with a soft burning. 

You could feel him spreading open your womb. The feeling of your cunt pressing down on him from all sides including the front was driving him mad.

You were screaming. Actual, pleasured screams, threatening to alert the entire hotel to your activities. Screams that started shrill and dipped into a gutteral cry filled the room with every thrust of Lucifer’s frenzied hips.

A tiny part of your brain felt embarrassed, a dying animal shrieking into Alastor’s thigh.

An ever shrinking part of Lucifer existed too, the piece of him too preoccupied with your two fingers on his leg to enjoy you. It got smaller and smaller, no longer a blockade to his pleasure, but a safety net allowing him to walk the tightrope of sadism.

The radio’s volume dial rolled, smooth jazz now blaring and drowning out your painfully pleasured cries. Alastor was fine with allowing someone to take care of your needs at his permission but strangers had no business enjoying your sounds.

As Luci became lost in the sensation of your wet pussy trying to suck him in whole, his hand on your back began to press down. Your breaths got shorter, it got harder to expand your lungs fully.

Face turned and drooling onto the fabric of Alastor’s pants, you started gasping out his name, “Luci! Nngh Luciiii, Lucifer.”

Your lips dropped his name and it fell like lead into his thoughts. He fought the urge to close his eyes again as he felt his orgasm building. He watched your flushed skin jump beneath every punishing thrust, his name a spell you could now barely whisper, not enough breathe to scream. Your upper body was entirely buried into the mattress. It felt like your back might snap with Luci’s loss of control. You kept your hand on his leg, ever ready to tap out.

The yellow of his eyes turned red, just like the skin of your ass where his hip bones chaffed. “You take me so well, kitten.” He ground out, “Daddy’s gonna cum.”

Alastor’s eyes glowed a blood red from the end of the bed, a wickedly devious grin across his face at the opportunity before him, he looked up at Luci and said with a commanding tone, “Cum.”

Luci was already over that peak when his eyes flew up to catch Alastor’s, it was too late to stop his orgasm. He was helpless to disobey, despite his now desperate desire to never cum again. With a moan, and a hiss, he pressed your body fully into the mattress. Your body now flush, he waited until his cock stopped jerking his long overdue seed into your bruised womb.

Luci lied on top of you even after you were full to the brim with his cum. It was already forcing its way out around his softening cock when he managed to roll off of you and onto his back.

Staring at the canopy of the bed, he felt two emotions rise to the surface. First, concern. He turned to you, and you gave a weak thumbs up.

Second, rage.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you.” He looked to Alastor, who was grinning as he pet your head, whispering something to you. 

“Little late for dirty talk, your highness.”

Lucifer growled, but Alastor’s palm pressed against his forehead and pushed him back down to the bed.

“I sleep on the left. I’d prefer you on the right.” he gently moved your head from his lap, “Beside me, my dear. A darling barrier.” Alastor didn’t look at Lucifer, just slid off the bed and walked into the en-suite bathroom. “No outside clothes under the comforter.” Alastor called from the bathroom before the sound of rushing water poured in.

You rolled onto your back, still catching your breath. Body sprawled out on the massive bed like a starfish.

Lucifer turned onto his side, hand caressing your arm. “Are you okay, kitten? I didn’t mean to lose myself like that.” He felt shame, like he had done something terrible. “And— I didn’t help you finish. That’s pretty shitty.”

But it fell away when you smiled back at him, “I feel great. Sore, but great all the same.” You let your fingers clumsily lace with his. “I really like you, Luci. And I don’t need to cum to enjoy myself. You can always try again, ya know?”

Lucifer felt his face grow warm, but couldn’t press you to clarify what exactly that meant before Alastor scooped you up and carried you to the bath.

There was a moment where he was alone, noticing the radio was back to a tolerable volume, the water splashing softly out of view. He felt out of place, like he had accidentally walked into a stranger’s home. He wasn’t sure what to do next, where to go from there when Alastor’s head popped back into the room, annoyed, “Are you coming or not? Those are clean sheets.”

༻Masterlist༺

[scoonsalicious]

1.1 Major

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Summary: Lily McIntire, trainer for new SHIELD recruits at the Avengers Tower, has been in love with her best friend, Bucky Barnes, from the moment she met him. She's been content with her role of the #1 girl in Bucky's life, even if it means she has to sabotage a romantic relationship or two. It'll be worth it when he realizes that they're meant for each other, right? There's just one small problem: Lily McIntire never expected Bucky Barnes to fall for You.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, alcohol consumption, slight objectification of men.

Word Count: 1.6k

Previously On...: Lily McIntyre met Bucky Barnes. Everything had changed, and now it's only him that matters.

A/N: You know what? Fuck it. Turns out I write more when I'm actively writing for all of you. Plus, I miss you, besties. Yes, I know-- it's only been two days, but I don't care. You guys give me the strength to face the day, and when I'm interacting with you, I'm happiest. So, we're starting the full roll-out of With Friends Like These... Now, there won't be multiple postings per day, so I won't be dropping a bunch at once. We're going to start nice and slow, lol. I hope you like it!

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

You stood outside the door to the bar, nervous as fuck. It wasn’t every day a girl got invited to spend an evening out on the town with the goddamned Avengers, and though you’d only known Natasha Romanoff for about six months now, you were honored she liked you enough to extend an invitation for you to join her and her friends on their off time. 

Giving yourself a once over in the reflection of the bar’s window, you double checked to make sure you looked good– your hair and makeup were on point, your dark wash skinny jeans hugged your curves in the best possible way, and the black satiny top you wore under your leather jacket showed just enough cleavage to be tantalizing, but not trashy. 

You got this, you told yourself. You took a breath, and walked inside. 

The place was dimly lit, but not too crowded. You were able to spot Natasha easily– it wasn’t as if the striking redhead was hard to miss. She sat at a high top with another redhead, nursing a vodka tonic. Catching her eye, you waved and made your way over.

“Major!” Nat greeted you, going in for a friendly hug, which you happily returned. “I’m so glad you made it!” She pointed to the other redhead– Wanda Maximoff, The Scarlet Witch, you remembered now from having seen her on the news– and introduced you. “Major, this is Wanda; Wanda, Major.” You shook hands as the other woman offered you a kind, welcoming smile.

“Finally, some balance to the force,” she joked. At your questioning look, she elaborated: “We are desperately outnumbered in the girl department when it comes to our friend group,” she said. “It’s just me and Nat versus the boys.”

“There’s Lily, too,” Nat interjected.

“Please.” Wanda said, waving Nat’s words off dismissively. “We all know that Lily is not one of us.”

Nat snorted into her drink. “Lily’s just not really a girl’s-girl,” she offered to you in explanation. “Very much sees herself as ‘one of the guys,’ if you catch my meaning.”

You nodded; you’d had plenty of experience with pick-me girls in the past. “Yeah, I know the type.” You waved down a waitress and put in an order for a frozen margarita.

“So, Major,” Wanda said, taking a sip of her beverage once the waitress had gone, “which one of our lucky bachelors is going to catch your eye tonight?”

“I don’t follow,” you said, confused. 

Wanda turned to Nat and playfully hit her on the shoulder. “You bitch! You didn’t tell her?”

Nat had the decency to look sheepish. “I wanted it to be organic,” she said, offering you an apologetic smile.

“Natasha Romanoff,” you said, realization dawning on you, “did you invite me out tonight to try and set me up with one of your teammates?”

Nat frowned, looking remorseful. “I know I should have said something, but you’re always complaining about how you never have luck with dating, and it just so happens I live in a compound literally full of eligible men, so I thought… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have overstepped.”

The waitress brought over your margarita and you raised it, toasting to Nat. “Fuck apologies; you want to hook me up with an Avenger? Girl, remind me to send you a gift basket!”

Nat and Wanda both laughed, raising their own glasses to toast with you. Wanda leaned over toward you, her voice a conspiratorial whisper.

“Alright, don’t be obvious about it,” she said, “but our fine gentlemen are over at the pool table.” You followed her line of sight and were met with an array of some of the most attractive men you had ever seen. Yeah, you’d seen them on tv, and in magazines, but they were always wearing costumes and masks. But up close? And in person?

“Woof,” you said softly. 

“Okay,” said Nat, leaning in on your other side. “Let’s size up our options. First, we’ve got Captain America, himself, Steve Rogers. All-American, corn-fed, take-home-to-mamma kinda guy. Such a gentleman, could bench press four of you. Knows how to treat a girl right.”

“And bore her to tears,” Wanda added.

“Wands!” Nat flashed her eyes. “We’re supposed to be talking them up!”

Wanda shrugged. “Facts are facts,” she said. “A sweetheart, really, but very old fashioned.”

“Fine,” Nat said, exasperated. “Moving on, we have Sam Wilson, our resident Falcon. He’s funny, charming, a great dancer.”

“Seriously good moves,” Wanda added with an enthusiastic nod.

“Smart, good listener,” Nat offered. “Incredibly loyal.”

“You make him sound like a puppy,” you said, laughing.

“Oooh, oooh, my turn!” Wanda said enthusiastically. “Next up is our resident himbo, the one and only Thor Odinson. Unbelievably endearing, the body of a literal god: Great hair, an ass you could bounce a quarter off of, arms that could snap your tiny little body right in half if he had half a mind to…”

“Down, girl,” Nat said, flicking some droplets of water from her water glass at Wanda. “Damn, we’re here for Major, not you.”

“Sorry,” said Wanda, ducking down to hide her blush behind her hair. “He’s just so… big. And… beefy. Like, what does one even do with that much man?” she asked, before muttering so low you could barely hear her: “I would really like to find out.”

You and Nat stifled your laughter. “Okay, definitely not going to be Thor for me, then,” you offered. Across the room, another man caught your eye, one Nat and Wanda hadn’t mentioned yet. “Who’s that?” you asked them.

Nat craned her neck. “Oh, that’s Parker. I dunno; he’s kinda on the young side for my taste, but the kid is 18, so if that’s what you’re into–”

“Ugh, no– pass,” you said, realizing she had been referring to the skinny teenager who was hanging on Steve Rogers’ every word. “No, I mean the brunet. Who’s he?” The more you studied him, the more you realized he just may be the most handsome man you’d ever seen. He was currently leaning against a pool cue, engrossed in conversation with Sam. He had a slight smirk on his face, as if he was keeping in a very humorous secret, and it painted his features in an adorably boyish light. 

While you were looking at him, he turned his head and saw you watching him. You should have been mortified at being caught staring but instead, you were taken aback by how striking his crystal blue eyes were. You offered him a soft smile, and were delighted when his own widened in return, his cheeks taking on a dusky hue in the low light, before Sam elbowed him, bringing his attention back to the game of pool. He shot you another look, running his tongue along his bottom lip, before refocusing his attention.

“Oh,” said Nat, following your gaze. “Oh, no, no, no. That’s Bucky Barnes. He’s… not on the menu.”

You turned back toward her, disappointed. “Oh. Of course, guy that good looking’s got to have a girlfriend, right?”

Nat and Wanda exchanged glances. “Not exactly,” Nat said.

“Remember how we mentioned Lily not being a girl’s-girl?” Wanda asked, nodding her chin toward where the boys were racking the balls for a new game. You hadn’t noticed the woman in their midst before– petite, blond, and athletic. 

“Yeah, Lily’s more of a Bucky’s-girl,” Nat added. “Just, you know, Bucky’s not aware of it.”

You must have looked very confused, because Wanda was quick to clarify. “Bucky only joined the team… what? Four years ago?” She looked to Nat for confirmation, and Nat nodded. “He was like a totally different guy back then. Didn’t go out, didn’t want to be around people.”

“Like Oscar the Grouch, but if you took him out of the trash can and gave him moderately better grooming standards,” Nat offered. 

“Yeah,” Wanda continued, nodding in agreement, “and for the longest time, the only person he would talk to was Steve. But then, like, Lily made it her life’s work to become his best friend.”

“I remember it annoyed the shit out of him in the beginning,” Nat added. “Poor guy just wanted to be left alone to process his trauma.” She sighed. “But the girl was relentless. She’s got tenacity, I’ll say that for her.”

“That’s actually kind of sweet,” you said. “That she wouldn’t give up trying to be there for him.”

“No, sorry,” Nat said. “We’re not explaining this well. She basically made being Bucky’s best friend her entire fucking personality. It was like, any other friend she had just–poof! Stopped existing to her. We no longer mattered; everything became about Bucky.”

“It’s a bit much,” Wanda said. “She’s very… I don’t want to say protective is the right word for it, but very possessive of him.”

“It’s like no girl Bucky’s ever dated has been good enough to pass her standards,” Nat said. “And she’s had no problem making that abundantly clear, and I know she’s been the reason for at least a couple of his relationships ending. Poor guy’s balls must be so blue by now, they’re practically black; she never lets him get any action.”

You took a sip of your margarita. “Well, they’ve got to be sleeping together, right?” you asked. Nat and Wanda both looked at you. “I mean, that would explain it, right?”

“Oh, they are definitely not,” Nat said. “Though I’m sure she wishes. I heard him tell Steve she reminds him of his dead kid sister.”

You sucked in a breath. “Ouch,” you said. “Just what every girl wants to hear, I’m sure.” You looked back over to the pool table, admiring the way Bucky bent over to take a shot. “It’s too bad,” you said, turning back to girls. “I mean, he’s hot as hell, but no man’s worth taking on that kind of drama.”

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[beautifulandvoid]

Party Time

inspired by one of the prompts I posted a little while ago,

"Overly competitive for a children's game", this is part of the Bob and 'Sota series, which I highly recommend you read both parts before this one. This also has unhinged smut, idk where it came from, but i even shocked myself with what I wrote.

AFAB!reader, smut (like a lot), fluff, slight bdsm, DOM BOBBY!!, praise kink, daddy kink.

Word count: 3.6k words

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! If your age is not in your bio or pinned post you will be blocked, NO exceptions. I do not consent to my works being posted into any third party or AI generator.

Bob Floyd Masterlist

You pushed the cart full of supplies for the party, you had at least 20 burgers and 10 pounds of ribs. Among the other ingredients you needed. Bob trailing behind you with a cart full of beer and other drinks, “you know, next time let's make it a byob party. We’ll be bankrupt if we have to buy beer every time for the squad.” You laugh at him as you drop a jumbo pack of solo cups into your cart. You and Bobby were throwing a party to celebrate living together for a year. Your phone pinged, you glanced down to see that Nat has texted you. “Sota, do I need to bring anything? Snacks, drinks, beer since we’re going to bankrupt you. 😂” You turn to see Nat at the end of the aisle laughing at you. You signal to Bobby that she's behind you. He turns, rolling his eyes when he sees her. “Hi lovebirds. So should I pick up beer so we don't bankrupt you Bob?” She pulls you into a hug, sticking her tongue out at him.

He groans, pushing the cart away from her. You laugh at him following suit, “we’ll see you later Nat! 6pm, don’t come early unless you want to risk walking in on us again!” Bob whips around with a ‘what the fuck’ look on his face. You giggle at him grabbing plates off the shelf. “She only walked in on us 1 time, ya know” “no, she only walked in on us on base, one time. She's walked in on us doing it at least 3 times at the house.” He grabs another after you, subtlety smacking your ass as he does “you think 20 is enough? They don't know how to reuse a plate.” You push your cart to the checkout, and $650 later the two of you have everything in the car. Bob starts the ribs when you get home, you starting on the multitude of salads it takes to feed the lot. 

An hour later the salads are done, and the cheesecake is sitting in the fridge. Bob slides his hand up your back, brushing your hair aside. He buries his face in your neck, sliding his hand up your shirt to your boobs. You laugh and push him off, “c’mon we don't have time.”, “yes we do.” “that's what you said the time on base that Mav caught us. We’re lucky he only saw your shoulders and not anything else” He laughs at you, muttering into your shoulder,  “They won't be here for 6 hours. Plenty of time.” He gently pushes you up against the counter, sliding his hand into the band of your shorts, “Bobby. With your appetite, we will not get done and cleaned up on time. Besides, I need a nap.” He laughs into your shoulder, reaching to grab his phone. “Ok, I set an alarm for 4:30. Go take a nap, and I'll wake you up then.” He guides you towards the stairs, gently pushing you up them. 

You trudge up the stairs, shedding your clothes and turning the shower on. After your shower, you put one of his shirts on and put your heatless curlers in. Bob always makes fun of you, saying you look like an alien. You crash the second your head hits his pillow, his smell wrapping you like a comforting hug. What felt like minutes later, he was gently shaking you awake. “Hi miss alien, time to wake up now.” With a groan, you let him pull you out of bed. You get ready for the party, taking longer so you can watch him in the shower. “And I'm the one with an appetite. I can see you staring sota.” You blush as you realize you've been caught. He hops out smacking your ass as he passes. “BOBBY!” He laughs as he walks into the closet to get dressed. As you finish setting everything on the counter, you hear a loud knock at the door. 

“HELLO! LOVEBIRDS! I'M HERE!!! GET YOUR CLOTHES ON!!” You laugh with Bobby, Nat has arrived. “Come in Nat! We’re dressed.” She pushes the door open, kicking her shoes off. “I figured I'd make myself very loud, since the last 3 times you somehow didn’t hear me.” Bob groans next to you, you pushing off the counter and walking towards her.  “What are you carrying?” She sets the board games on the coffee table, you glance at them 'chutes and ladders’, ‘monopoly’, ‘operation’. “Nat, why did you bring childrens games?” you hear Bob call out from behind you. She pulls you into a hug, hooking your arms together before she backs you up towards Bob. “because why not? I figured it would be fun to get drunk and play with them. See Jake crash out over monopoly.” You all laugh as you hear from behind you, “I only did that ONE time, and that was when we were at Top Gun the first time.” You turn to see Jake and Bradley standing in the doorway. “We brought beer.” Bradley says as he holds up the 12 pack. 

They kick off their shoes and join your trio in the kitchen. Bob pulls you into his arms as the rest of the squad trickles in. You clock Monica and Reuben coming in. Monica sees you staring at Nova, who's now almost 2, “do you want to go see Auntie Sota? Go get her” Nova comes toddling over to you, you picking her up and cuddling her close. “Ok, everyone! The food is ready, we have ribs and burgers. Callie, we made chicken for you. There's plenty of salads, so please eat up! Also I have cheesecake, and a snickers salad for dessert.” “what the fuck is a snickers salad?” Jake cuts you off. “A. snickers. Salad. You'll see what it is. Ok everyone, eat up!” they make their way through the buffet line you had set up. You and Bob hung back, letting everyone get food first. You moved to set up Nova's high chair, and Monica set her food in front of her.  Bob inisited you sit down, and made a plate for you. He sat it down in front of you, sitting down by you and Nat. After the squad has consumed all of the food you had made, you pull the cheesecake and salad out of the fridge. 

“What the fuck am i looking at?” Jake says as he stares at the snickers salad. “A snickers salad. It's snickers, apples, caramel sauce, and cool whip. It's a midwest staple. Just wait til you hear what Ambrosia salad is.” He hesitantly takes some, along with a cheesecake slice. You make everyone wait to try the salad until they're all in front of you. “Ok, go!” They all try it at the same time, moaning when they realize how good it is. Jake stands up and grabs another scoop, sitting back down before he devours the whole thing. “We have games, so once we're all done we can play those.” Bobby chimes in as everyone begins to finish up. Everyone helped clean up, something surprising from the normal parties you host. 

You all fall over laughing as Jake crashes out “IF I LAND ON A CHUTE ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!!! I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU ALL IN THE SKY MONDAY!!” Bradley rubs his arm trying to calm him down. He had landed on every single chute and had yet to make it above halfway. “Seeing as Jake is losing it, we’re gonna head out.” Reuben announces. You wave goodbye to them as Jake lands on yet another chute. He stares at the board, eerily silent. “Don't you dare flip the board Jake, if you do when we play monopoly and i won't let you be on the same team as Bradley.” You tell him. Callie and Nat laugh at your threat, knowing Jake would rather do anything than not be on a team with his boyfriend. They are coming up on a year together, you finally telling them when you moved to hurry up and fuck each other. 

“Ok, I say it's monopoly time. Jake’s clearly never getting to the end of this.” Nat declares once it's been an hour and half since you started it. “Hey.” Jake nudges you with his foot, “yes, Jake?”, “Is there more of the Snickers salad, and can I have the recipe?” You laugh at him pointing at the fridge, he hops up pulling the bowl out of the fridge. He opened the cabinet to get a bowl, “Jake, how do you know where the bowls are?” He points at Bob, who shrugs and slinks his arm around you pulling you into his side. Jake plops down on the couch next to you. Nat hands you the dog, you’re never anything but the dog. You spend the next 2 hours playing monopoly, you and Bob having hotels on all of your properties, “you. Fucking. Bitch.” Mickey says to you after he lands on park place, completely bankrupting him and Javy. “ok, we’re leaving. Enjoy my money fuckers.” You all say bye as the duo leaves, leaving Nat and Callie, Jake and Bradley and you and Bob. 

You bankrupt Jake and Bradley, Jake threatening to break in and find the snickers salad recipe the next time you leave. Jelly, who had been sleeping on the ouch behind him, pipped up meowing at him incessantly for pets. He pulled her onto his lap, clearly not interested in heading out until the game was over. That is until it was 11:30 and the game was nowhere near the end. “Ok, we need to leave now. Just tie it already.” The duo left leaving just the 4 of you. “I agree. I'm tired, I say we leave the board as is and we can finish it another time.” Callie says standing and stretching. You hug the two goodbye and help Bobby finish cleaning up.

 As he stands at the counter, you slide up behind him grabbing his ass. He grabs your wrist, stopping you. “C’mon Bobby, we’re all alone now. And you know how those shorts make me crazy.” You press your hand back up against him, him reaching out to stop you. “Behave. I’ll give you what you want soon.’’ You test him again, before he whips you around pushing you onto the counter on your stomach. You hear him whip his belt off, before you feel him pull your wrists together with it. “I told you to behave, but you didn’t listen.” He flips your dress over your back, before pulling your panties down. 

He responds to your groan with a smack to your ass, the sound echoing in the kitchen. He slides his hands between your folds, “i’ll give you what you want,” he flips you over so he can see your face, “c’mon, be a good girl for me.” You whimper at the tone of his voice, your sweet loving Bobby is gone, and his Dom alter ego has arrived. He ruts up against your legs as he pulls you to the edge of the counter. “You want me so badly, I'm going to take my time. Because this is my pussy, no one else's. No one can make you feel like this but me, right baby?” He teases you as he slides his fingers through your folds, stopping right before your clit. “No, no one else.” 

He responds with a quick smack to your folds, “no, what?” “No, daddy, no one el-”, “GOD DAMNIT, NOT AGAIN!”  you both whip your heads to see Nat standing there holding her jacket she forgot. “LOCK THE DAMN DOOR NEXT TIME!!!” She yells as she slams the front door closed. You look at each other before bursting into laughter, “even if we did she’d just use her key to get in.” Bob pulls you back to the edge of the counter, his fingers immediately sliding into you. You throw your head back with an almost pornagraphic moan. It doesn't take long before you're teetering on the edge, “bobby please, let me cum. Please!” He pulls his fingers out of you immediately, “clearly i didn’t make myself clear enough. That’s not my name, darling. Hmm, what to do, what to do?” he mutters as he teasingly walks around the counter, he pulls you off and lays you over the kitchen table. He readjusts his belt holding your wrists together, making sure they aren't burning you. “I think 10 will do, but what I use will be up to you.” he says as he rubs his hand over your ass. “Your hands please, Bobby. Please” 

He clicks his tongue, “well now i get to choose, and it's up to 15. Wait here darling, well it's not like you can move anyway.” you hear him go upstairs, not daring to move. He comes back down what feels like an entirety later, you glance to see that he has the soft paddle. You feel yourself getting wetter as you realize that he grabbed it so he could spank your- his pussy safely. “Count them baby, and thank me after each one. Miss one, and I add on. But my baby can take it, can't she?” He glides the paddle down your back, before pulling it back and swinging it. “Thank you, daddy.” He only hums, before repeating the process. “Count the last 5 babies, you're being such a good girl for daddy. I bet you want to come don't you.” He slides his hand between your legs, spreading them open more, rolling his fingers through your folds. He brings his fingers up to his mouth, savoring your taste. 

You whimper as you count the last 5 hits, all of which he lands right on your pussy. He sets the paddle on the table next to your head, before he flips you onto your back. He moves to the other side of the table and pulls you so your head is hanging off. He motions for you to undo his pants, and you do so as quickly as you can with your hands tied up. He pulls the belt off your hands and slides his hands into your hair. “You wanted daddy so bad right baby? Well, show daddy how bad you wanted him. Hmm, can you be a good girl and do that for me?”, you nod as you slide him into your mouth. His hands grip your hair as he guides you to go faster, he knows exactly how far to push you and your gag reflexes. You pull one of his hands to your throat, he loves feeling himself inside of you. “Fuck, baby. C’mon just like that.” He pushes into you slightly causing you to see stars, he quickly pulls out of your throat before pulling you off the table and to your knees. You pull him back into your mouth, and it isn't long before he’s bucking into your throat chasing his release. 

You bring him over the edge, rubbing your thighs together to get any type of friction down there. He pulls you off the floor and back onto the table, hooking your legs over his shoulders. You don't have a moment before he's diving in like a man starved. You grip his hair, trying to guide him closer. “You keep tugging and I'll go slower, be nice to my hair baby. I’m trying to enjoy my pussy.” he says as he pulls away, causing you to whimper and cry out. “Bo-daddy please, please!” He hums a praise you can't quite make out, before continuing to bring you to the edge. You can feel yourself teetering on the edge, “daddy, please. Please, please can I cum. Please?” He pulls back causing you to cry out, “only because you got my name right baby.” He pulls you over the edge, your hands gripping onto his shoulders as he works you through your orgasm.

You lay on the table as you feel him stand. “Color babygirl?”, “green, like neon fucking green.” He chuckles at your eagerness, as he rubs your thighs. “Do you want to go upstairs, or should I take you here?”, “here, please.” he hums, as he walks away from you, “where are you going? Are you just torturing me?” He walks back into your view carrying the blanket from the couch. He lifts your butt up sliding it under you, “have to make you comfortable, I don't plan on being done with you anytime soon.” He steps between your legs, lining himself up. He makes eye contact with you as he pushes in, causing you to grip his shoulders as you try to adjust. “God, you're so tight. Hm, I should've worked you more.” he says as he begins fucking you harder. He pulls your legs up to his shoulders, giving him an angle to fuck you harder. “Daddy!” hearing you call him that causes him to growl animalistically, before he slides his thumb to your clit. “C’mon baby, cum for me. You're doing so well for me, keep being a good girl for me. C’mon” He pushes you over the edge again, you can feel his hips stalling as he chases his high behind yours. He collapses on top of you, your pussy still clenching around him.

“fuck, baby. Still green?” you nod in response, running your hands through his hair. He gently pulls out of you, groaning as he sees him spilling out of you. He grabbed the polaroid, taking pictures for his next deployment. You can help but giggle as he glances up at you through the tops of his glasses.  “They are hot you know, right? I don't know why they call them ‘birth control glasses’, they should call them ‘baby making glasses’”. He groans at your teasing. “Hmm, maybe we should practice that baby making then huh?” You pull him back down to kiss him, before he pulls you off the table. Guiding you over to the couch, you straddle him sliding him back in. He throws his head back, groaning as he can still feel his cum inside of you. You roll your hips, tempting him as you kiss up his neck. 

He slowly rolls his hips to match yours, causing you to moan into his shoulder. He adjusts on the couch, giving his feet a sturdy stance to buck up into you. “Daddy, please. Give it to me.” He growls as he pulls back out, flipping you over to your stomach and sliding you back in. “fuck, please!” He pushes you down to the couch, using his angle to rail into you as you try to find a grip on the couch. He pulls you off the couch, pushing you onto the coffee table, before sliding back in. He rails you within an inch of your life, your third orgasm quickly coming crashing into you. He fucks you thorugh your orgasm as you grip the edge of the coffee table. “Fuck baby, come for me.” He pulls out and you feel his warmth splatter across your butt and lower back. You can feel him smear it down, the click of the camera going off again. 

“You're such a good girl for me. Aren't you baby, you know that.” You groan in response, not trusting your ability to speak. He leaves, returning just a moment later with a warm washcloth, cleaning you up. He pulled you into his lap on the couch, wrapping you in a blanket. “Nat’s gonna kill us. We fucked up the monopoly board. Whoopsies?” you say after a few quiet moments. Bobby laughs, wrapping his arms around you looking at the destruction of the monopoly board. “We probably should have moved it, huh? Well, we’ll get her a new one, because there's no way she wants this one back.” The two of you laugh, before you look at your phone, realizing that it was 2am. 

“Jesus, it’s 2am? You don't have to work tomorrow, right?” you turn to him, also showing him the text from Nat saying to make sure to use protection, well too late for that. “I do not, which means we have all day to lounge around, fuck, bake the cookies i know you want to.” He says as he stands from the ouch, pulling you into a bridal position. You giggle as he carries you up the stairs. He sets you on the toilet, turning the bath on. You take care of yourself before he gently helps you into the warm water, settling in behind you. “So, baby making practice? Careful there Bobby, you need to get a ring first.” you tease at him as you remember what he said to you earlier.

“Get a ring? Baby, I bought one the day after you agreed to be my girlfriend. You haven't found it because it's with one of the Daggers, and no, they won't tell you which one has it.” you laugh at him, as the two of you finish and get out. He dresses you in one of his shirts, as the two of you get into bed. You snuggle into his shoulder, falling asleep quickly, you swear you hear him mutter something about when he’ll do it. You're too blissed out to care at the moment, but you’ll ask him tomorrow.

Thank you for reading! Please comment and reblog if you liked it! This will be cross posted on my Ao3, ElizaKazansky86, that is the only place and name it will be under!

Taglist: @bobbyfloyd @sebsxphia @rhettmotel @mynameismckenziemae

[cloudmancy]

I like that emily decided to engage with her foil but idk I wish she were more.. curious about him? like she heard the lyrics and decided on a path and it's a magical path, but we still don't really know anything about him or about his uncle or anything. so like the wanda childa of it all is incredible. but it's still a little bit, like, not contextualized in a way where it feels like, relevant to his character. like idk I wish she maybe tried to have a conversation or two with him not as wanda, to get a sense of who he is, ykwim?

[id: ask reading "I do think the rat grinders were made to be engaged with by brennan. I just think there's a deep lack of curiosity because the bad kids decided they knew the rat grinders whole deal after like half a conversation and didn't bother trying to know any of them. the closest anyone came was fig fucking with ruben but that wasn't even engaging with him because we learned nothing about him, it was just psychologically torturing him based on a song lyric. she did not know enough about him to know if the torment was warranted, or even doing anything significant."]

I think both of you bring up a great point... in that regard kristen was the one who both interacted with AND emphasized with her foil the most. she had a lot of really good interactions with buddy dawn and that nat 1 at the beginning of the finale's combat will always haunt me. at the same time I cannot blame emily for not wanting to engage with ruben anymore like... she spent a ton of time this season rolling on ruben, trying to turn him. she made that 30 performance check and brennan told us we'd see the consequences of that later... and we didn't! if my DM didn't reward me consistently reaching out to and being curious about my foil I'd give up at some point too. like, the bad kids cast counterspell during frosty faire to protect ruben from grix - when ruben saw wanda childa during the finale fight he didn't even try to protect or counterspell anything for her. and that more than anything is why I found it all so disappointing. the way these kid were played in the battle didn't make them feel like the characters we've been interacting with all season - it's like nothing between them and the bad kids had an impact on them at all.

[sideblogdotjpeg]

feeling like. ep 60 was such a fantastic arc finale battle ep. and auugh. like so many things. LIKE .

the slow build up of tension over the ep felt really good and perfect, as it escalates from alexandrite being silly and goofy to. gargantuan cyberflesh horror. and how the dice were UNCANNILY perfect for it all. like. the nat 1 vs nat 20 roll for the town and suddenly the entire mood shifts and the stakes are so much realer, and personal. followed up by the nat 20 for the town! followed up by TWO callie crits and her dealing 130 DAMAGE like each turn!!!! like!!!!! AUGH... the. just the beats of it all was soo good and.

tying to that .. the character moments for this ep were so good !!! every character got their moment to shine in the battle. already discussed callie absolutely whomping fucking ass, but of course the smaller moments as well. offering to go and defend calders town. seeing the faewild sky and "i think i needed to leave to become worthy of it" - like and as the culmination of callies arc. from someone who was so scared and running away to. staying, standing, fighting, protecting. AND ITS GOOD.

then of course theres calder. i mean also the . ARC. of the only thing he wanted was not to be overprotected. wanting to be useful - like his brothers, people who had strength and value in the eyes of their people, big enough to defend their town. and he has come all the way here. he changes the tides of the battlefield in the town - and he does it with the attachments of his friends and the love of his family. and like... god. really crystalising his ethos in a way that is foiled so well against gowan. gowan who was too proud to ask for help. vs "i cant do it without you" "but damn does it feel good when your friends have your back" ... !!!! AYYEARGH. like. hes becoming the protector of his home! but maybe now, his home is so much bigger than the ice knife, and hes not fighting alone .... YOU KNOW.

AND SOL!!!!! sol to my knowledge only deals 30 damage this battle but. as a resident sol enjoyer i !!! am VERY MUCH CLAPPING AND CHEERING!! at the deeply supportive role he took on for this fight. like hes the first to get the ice knife away from alexandrite, he gives callie an extra smite, silvery barbs.... ! like the short rest realisation of how different the battle wouldve gone without that silvery barbs is .... ! SO ITS GOOD. and at the end that he was the one to get the final blow on alexandrite and it was for swag is ...

and! that part was obviously a joke! as is the entire "keep em guessing haha alexandrite cant predict what were doing!!!" thing. HOWEVER. relistening to the ezry arc, and their first interaction w alexandrite as we now know her ... i just. REALLY feel like this is the spiritual successor to "were duck team and were messy and were friends and we do everything together and we absolutely suck shit all day long and all night baby". theyre so fucking stupid is the thing. and theyre messy and stupid and constantly saying things that are weird and make no sense and completely and utterly baffling .... and thats DUCK TEAM!!! (theres also a point here where im overreading somewhat. but the part about Keepin em Guessin... one could POSSIBLY argue it interacts in a MAYBE DEEPLY INTERESTIGN WAY with . the idea of the calculated certainty of the AI, the calm and cold prediction of the diviners, and the wild freedom of the peregrines. idk!!! maybe!!! maybe you cld even say that what lies at the heart of duck team is their messiness and outofplaceness and love and care and refusal of the tragedy!!! even!! maybe!! but YEAH. lol random XD ! keep em guessin!)

also the thing that made me write all this which is like. ! the final victory lap scene is just. so wonderfully cathartic, esp with how tense this entire arc has been. its just. fuck yeah we won and all our friends and family are here and safe and riding on mammoths!!! i mean. FUCKING ALBINS BACK!!!! GREGORS HERE AND KICKIN ASS!!! THE MA GOBLIN BRIGADE!!! A WIN. and ... that bit of callie just sitting on the roof playing a guitar as she stares into the fae wild sky is ... its good.. its good..

and all that is maybe. half the reasons why ep 60 is so good. i didnt even get around to talking about the fucking EMILY AXFORD SONG WHICH IVE BEEN PLAYING NONSTOP ALL DAY SO. yeah. so i like this ep i guess

[fillingthescrapbook]

Let's Talk About: Mentopolis and Case Closed

This is arguably the best Dimension 20 finale of 2023… so far. Sure, Dungeons and Drag Queens gave us one heck of an emotional ending that was elevated by Jujubee's personal stakes in the story. The Ravening War was a fun romp through time that delivered cinematic-quality twists, plot developments, and tension-filled moments in the finale. And Neverafter's finale was more scary serious and needed a lot of processing.

Mentopolis though… With the mix of catharsis and a table of players that really focused their talents on the fun of role-playing… This finale was just so enjoyable. It gave me everything I didn't even know I wanted.

And the whole episode was truly bonkers. The fight, the player decisions… Danielle/Anastasia Tension glugging down some room-temperature vodka after a wild chase, Hank/The Fix setting the mood with some genre-appropriate steam, and Freddie/Dan Fucks making the ultimate in-character choice of distracting the enemy with his diamond-hard balls.

Trapp rolled the most cursed Nat 1 from Dimension 20 history--and still survived! Siobhan found the best coda for the whole adventure.

And Alex… Alex has done something no other Dimension 20 player has ever done for me: they made me cry for four episodes straight. Maybe five. I'll have to go back to what I said in previous talk-abouts. But Alex was very masterful with how they delivered their emotional gut-punches. As well as the physical ones Conrad delivered.

Hank didn't want to get left behind either. His final scene with the reunion? Magnificent. And the "did you know" speech in the fight that wasn't meant to be menacing but still managed to scare the shit out of everyone (including myself who is watching months and months after they finished wrapping)? Inspiring.

I need to see Alex, Hank, and Freddie in future Dimension 20 seasons. I would love for them to be together, but I would love it even more if we see them interact with other Dimension 20 cast members and/or newcomers. I want Hank to come back in a season with Murph and Emily. I want Alex on a season with Aabria as the game master, and maybe with Oscar Montoya as a fellow player. And Freddie… Freddie, I feel, could fit in with any table composition. I want to see his chaos with Zac and Lou's though. Or Zac and Ally's.

And I want Danielle partnering with Siobhan again. Maybe in another Good Society-run season by Aabria. Maybe in a different system run by Jasmine Bhullar. I feel like we only got the tip of the possible shenanigans we could've gotten from the two… Thinking about it now, what if Murph guest DMs a side quest season with Danielle, Siobhan, and Emily?! The possible combinations are endless.

While I fantasize about possible casts for future seasons of Dimension 20, I leave you with a few gems I will treasure from the finale of Mentopolis:

"The greatest pleasure is punching your boss."

"Mr. Fix? Duck!"

And "57. My favorite number."

See y'all next time. In the stars. In the soup. In the dome.

[miceysfandomcreations]

Dumping Astarion into Castlevania

I've recently finished Castlevania: Nocturne, and I have vampires on the brain. I'm surprised there aren't any more crossovers between BG3 and Castlevania. They both involve RPG vibes/mechanics, vaguely historical settings, and of course, vampires. I think if Astarion got dropped into Castlevania, particularly Nocturne, I think he'd have some fun interactions.

Anyway, here are my brainworms:

Let's place this story post-BG3. Astarion's level 12 and a vampire spawn on some level of the good to neutral spectrum. This is to keep him on some sort of equal level with the main characters (power-scaling between these works is so confusing). It would be interesting if he were a phantom rogue (I guess he skimmed The Necromancy of Thay). It's this ghostly rogue subclass that fits the gothic setting well.

Anyhoo, the story starts with Astarion (and Tav or Durge maybe) searching for a vampirism cure. This leads to him entering a temple about vampires. Rocks fall, he rolls a nat 1 on his dex save, and he enters a post-season 1 Nocturne world.

Astarion enters into a world of culture shock. Here, the vampires have won. There's no sun, he can walk outside 24/7. He is considered and respected as a full vampire. There are flavors and varieties of blood to drink. The eclipse has brought about vampire party time!

But his new brethren are wanton and cruel; they use humans as their pets and trample over the autonomy of those considered weaker. They worship some self-styled god that powers herself on sacrifices, and toys with her prey. Sound familiar?

Astarion tries some internal sabotage. He drives away or claims and frees the youngest victims. He shanks the nastiest (but not most powerful) vampires after luring them to isolated spaces. He swallows down his flashbacks, his disgust at himself when he does this.

His fellow vampires become suspicious of him. Astarion's forced to run. He runs and runs to the remotest areas, he subsists on the blood of animals once again.

One day, when Astarion has wrapped his mouth on the neck of a rabbit in a forest in France, he gets spotted.

"What the fuck." states Juste Belmont, who's being sick and tired of all these damn vampires around his damn hut.

Astarion manages to both explain himself and insult this murder-happy woods hermit at the same time. Juste points him toward the Nocturne gang, who's doing some plan to bring the sun back or something. Astarion remembers the feeling of the sun on his skin and decides to join.

"No point in depriving everyone else of something so sweet. Mark my words, old man, I will walk in the sun again."

Astarion somehow joins the gang that somehow doesn't go murderhobo on him at the first meeting.

I can see him becoming their spy on the inside, an intell gatherer who can freely rub elbows with vampires. No more disastrous human-only spy missions! Maybe he runs into Olrox at a fancy vampire mixer. Maybe Astarion gets reminded of his own vampire-nonvampire romance if he's with Tav. People reference historical events and Astarion has to pretend he knows what went on.

Astarion secretly thinks Alucard's the coolest guy ever (he's just like Drizzt for real), but acts all aloof around him. Having both done this save-the-world thing before, Astarion and Alucard gradually take parental/oldest sibling roles within the group.

Alucard: "I'm aware of sun veils, parasols, all sorts of innovations that allow vampires to walk in the daytime, albeit covered. How exactly did you manage that feat with no coverings at all? Magic?"

Astarion: "That's a long and complicated story. To put it succinctly, a giant squid-shaped ship abducted me one day and shoved a tadpole into my eye."

Things happen. Erzsebet gets defeated, Astarion reassures Maria and Tera that one can still have a fulfilling relationship with a loved one even after vampirism, and he leaves for his own world. There could be a scene where some powerful vampires offer him ultimate power, and tempt him to conquer Faerun under the Castlevania vampires' name. Astarion, having already gone through this ascendent nonsense once already, turns that down stat. He waves goodbye to his new friends. He walks back into Faerun's sunlight, the sunlight he must dodge again once more.

I don't think I'll make this into a full-fledged fic. Anyone is free to add on to this or make stuff based on it.

[velvetvexations]

Sincerely, thank you for basically having the same conversation I was having, parallel to me having it. I started to feel like I was going crazy--for a minute there I was half convinced that maybe I'd poorly worded something near the beginning that was causing her to react like it was opposite day with every other thing I said, so it was honestly kind of reassuring to see you reading her responses in the exact same way I was.

A friend who has been snooping on her interactions with both me and you just informed me that for the first time ever, someone has put my text under water on a post about how much lying I just did before sticking to my guns and blocking her, so it's been a weird night. Just wanted to thank you for indirectly reassuring me that my read on whatever the fuck she has going on was correct. I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she just wasn't understanding what feels like a pretty basic concept to me, but the more I interacted the more convinced I was that she was misunderstanding me on purpose. It is what it is, I guess!

I also was profoundly generous and it sucks that was wasted. I deleted my first reblog of her first reblog of your post because I have OCD brainworms that make me keep my blog and dash tidy and I wanted to respond to the other post More, but in that first response I was not argumentative at all and was completely coming down to her level. I only got a little more aggressive when I noticed her not responding to that but making the other post that seemed to go out of it's way to not have read what you were saying, and also, the transmedicalism!?* For someone who regularly gets accused of being a pickme, woo, wee, there's something that directly affects me specifically. And even then I still tried to pull back and deescalate, but making that post where she just casually for no reason drops that her abusive ex was transmasc made me fucking lose it.

*I actually talked that out with the OP, funnily enough, but emphasis on I reserve the right to be upset with people who reblogged it uncritically - one person miswording something is one thing, a vast number of people all rolling a Nat 1 on their reading comprehension check is another, if autocorrect makes you accidentally tweet that you hate waffles I'm going to guess that the people retweeting it do actually hate waffles, and Katra has had multiple chances now to clarify she doesn't believe positivity for non-medically transitioning people is good but just keeps saying that gender affirming care is lifesaving which it obviously but is not what's being discussed

[ajsvthefourth]

A thing I remembered last time I played dnd with friends

If you haven't watched it, please support our idiotic session, thanks

Anways, we went into a shop to buy some oil for another PC, and I wanted to use suggestion (I'm a fiend warlock) so we could steal smth

I rolled my google die and got a FUCKING NAT 1

I got disappointed, but then I was even more disappointed by the fact that the NPC I was interacting with got a NAT FUCKING 20

I'm the worst warlock in existence, my patron hates me

[hazelfoureyes]

Do you think you could do a male version of the radioapple is the safe word? Or maybe just a gender neutral pronouned story? I adore it so much

of course! I am happy to adapt my stories whenever possible 🥺✨ sometimes I can’t but this one was an easy enough shift! didn’t tag the horny deer cult, this is the same story but with the hardware swapped out. Will tag in new pieces 🙏 warning; I almost exclusively watch femboy gay porn and it shows

The Safeword is RadioApple (Part 1)

(RadioApple x MaleReader)

Part 1 ꒰აMaleReader✧FemaleReader໒꒱ Part 2 ꒰აFemaleReader໒꒱ Part 3 ꒰აAlastorxLucifer໒꒱ tidbit (cute, not smut) Part 4 ꒰აFemaleReader໒꒱✨NEW✨ ₊⊹⁀➴ Lucifer wins⟡Alastor Wins

tags/warnings/promises: Alastor x Reader, Lucifer x Reader, smut, RadioApple in a sense, male reader, creampie, breath play, rough sex, Alastor is an eternal little shit, soft jazz, hard jazz, Luci calls himself Daddy, 🗣️ READER GETS SPITROASTED, threesome, asshole hulk smashed, half assed blowjob, help I got too horny on main

MINORS DNI BRUH

“Sir.”

Lucifer jumped, whipping around and shoving Alastor’s face away. “You are a living nightmare, fuck!” He hated being snuck up on, as most people do. Adjusting his hat, he looked around the hotel lobby to see if anyone else witnessed his personal jump scare. Charlie and Vaggie were seated nearby, but hadn’t paid them any attention.

“I aim to please! Now,” Alastor gestured to the stairs, “I, unfortunately, need to show you something upstairs.”

“Ha!” Lucifer forced out a laugh, “Ha. Haaa- Not a chance, scarecrow. Find someone else to search for your brain.” He smirked to himself. “Did you hear that Charlie? I made a joke.”

But Charlie was not laughing. She finally turned her focus to them. “Dad, you have to start trying to get along with Alastor.” She looked to Alastor who was nodding along as if he actually cared at all, “He’s trying to spend time with you. Come on, Dad. For me?”

With a pout, he dramatically crossed his arms, “Fine. I’ll play nice, for you. Not for him.” Lucifer glared daggers at Alastor. “Fuck him.”

“Daaad!” She groaned.

“Yeah yeah, I’m going.” 

Alastor let his microphone follow behind Lucifer’s back, an unseen and unfelt safety net so he couldn’t back out. When they approached Alastor’s door, Lucifer put up his hands as if to physically stop the situation from progressing, “There is no way in all of hell I am going in your bedroom.”

Alastor’s eyes rolled, frustrated already with the interaction. “Are you sure about that?” He pushed the door open, using his mic to make contact with the small of Lucifer’s back. He stopped resisting when he finally looked into the room.

He took a step in, willingly, and as he saw you sitting in the center of the bed in just your sleep robe, he let out a quiet, “What the fuck is this?”

Then a louder, “Heeey, kitten…”. The sound of the door locking made his head whip back to Alastor, teeth bared.

“Luci.”

Softened under the sound of his own name from your lips he brought his attention back to the bed.

It was no secret to anyone that you two were fond of each other. It was the little things you did that endeared the fallen angel to you, how you doted on him. Filling his glass at dinner when you noticed it getting close to empty, holding the door for him, keeping eye contact when he went off on some excited tangent.

Everyone was also aware you were Alastor’s person. And Alastor would give you anything you wanted in death; and today you happened to want Luci.

You’d seen the broadcasts of the King of Hell defending his daughter during the last extermination. The power he gave off, even from your screen, brought goosebumps down your arms. So when you found your way to the hotel, you were elated to see Lucifer himself readily available for interactions. Your luck continued, as your father’s love of jazz had been passed down to you and allowed the radio demon to notice your presence among the sea of new residents. Following the sounds of Nat ‘King’ Cole, he found you one evening in your room, and a mutual fondness for music bore a new friend. And then, more. 

Soon enough you were a regular member of the Hazbin Hotel core crew, by way of Alastor.

That’d been some months ago now, and you finally had the courage to ask Alastor for a special favor.

No part of him understood your motivation, but the idea of making the king of hell pussy-whipped to his darling was understanding enough. And, of course, the pleasure of watching you enjoy yourself. While he was capable all his own, he was happy to allow someone else to fill in. Not to mention—- no, actually, definitely mention the fact it would give him a little more power in the tense dynamic between himself and Lucifer.

For Alastor, sharing you physically wasn’t an issue.  Sex was something he did for your pleasure, though he did enjoy the control he held over you in those intimate moments.

Watching you mewl under someone else, knowing he gave the permission, that Lucifer would never have a chance in Hell if The Radio Demon didn't allow it, made his head dizzy with the loss of blood flow. Whatever pleasure Lucifer could give you was pleasure he has granted you both. The idea of someone pining for you but never having a chance unless he says so made him feel powerful.

“I have a request, of sorts.” You tried to keep your smile still, cheeks twitching with pure nerves. The room was lit by only two small lamps on either nightstand and the light coming from the half open bathroom.

Lucifer approached you, making a dramatic point of going past Alastor. The radio demon chuckled, the king of hell scowled. He placed one knee on the end of the bed, trying to forget this was the spot you shared most nights with Alastor. His smile encouraged you to continue.

“You can say no.” You added quickly. 

“Why would I ever do that?” Lucifer continued to smile at you, too sweetly for what you were going to ask.

“Many reasons.” You added quicker. 

“Come on, tell Luci.” He laughed softly at the idea of denying you anything.

You pressed the tips of your index fingers together nervously, “I want you to fuck me.”

He tried to blink but his eyelids only seemed to rise further and further up his face with every attempt.

“You what now?”

His eyes darted to Alastor, who was now crawling onto the bed and settling behind you. 

“It was a fairly straightforward statement, sir.” Alastor’s tone was always teetering on mocking when he addressed Lucifer, “My dear would like you, for some god awful reason, to bed him.”

If this hadn’t been such a shock, Lucifer would have quipped, “Oh because you can’t, you overdressed maitre d’?”

But when he opened his mouth, there was nothing. He just stared at you. Alastor’s long legs and lanky arms came down beside you, behind you. You looked like the enticing light of an angler fish’s lure, sharp teeth shining just over your shoulder. 

“I thought-,” he motioned between the two of you.

You nodded, “Alastor is happy when I’m happy. And right now, I’d be overjoyed to spend an evening taking care of you.”

Oh, why couldn’t you have said it so sweetly the first time? Take care of him? You always did. Every time he felt something lacking he’d find you close behind offering him just the thing.

Whether a smile, or supportive word, or just a sympathetic ear.

Shifting onto your hands and knees, you crawled toward Lucifer. His face was flush, his brows knitted together in some mix of worry and confusion.

“You don’t have to do that, kitten. I don’t need that.” He reached out a hand to touch your cheek but stopped himself; he’d never touched you before. He had gone out of his way to avoid it, because he couldn’t bear what it would do to him. He’d just be hurting himself, he had thought. His hand began to pull away but you reached out with both of yours and took hold of his wrist.

“I don’t have to do anything, ever, Luci,” Alastor’s grin widened as you said it. A hum of approval only he could hear. A silent, ‘That’s my boy.’

“This is about what I want.” You leaned up to rest your cheek in his open palm, “I’ll accept any answer from you.” Your eyes staring up at him promised safety, “So, what do you want?”

He buried his face in his free hand, opening his fingers to look over you once more. In the shade of the canopied bed, Alastor sat motionless. But Lucifer couldn’t see him, not because of the shadows but because his focus was so purely on you. He had absolute tunnel vision, which happened often when you two would speak. Lucifer made a low sound, coming from somewhere deep in his chest,  hidden beneath all his shame and sense of inadequacy.

Your question was answered as he removed his hat, tossing it to the chaise lounge near the wall. You sat back on your legs and gave him space to remove his coat. Your heart seemed to double its pace, skin practically vibrating. A not-insignificant part of you expected a gentle but firm, “kindly fuck off.”

He seemed to be avoiding eye contact as he pulled his bow tie loose, only returning his knee to the bed when he’d kicked off his boots. Just the shifting of the weight of the bed made your thighs twitch, finally. Alastor leaned backed and watched, Lucifer’s gaze was full of uncertainty as he crawled to you. 

Hilarious. Already worth the price of admission. 

Both on your knees, you leaned up and placed a chaste kiss on Lucifer’s lips. Pulling back, you looked at him and he felt like we’re looking at the sun. Your face was so bright, and warm. What light were you reflecting back at him? Surely not his own. That was long dead. Long buried under bruised wings and lost promises. 

You snaked your fingers into his hair and brought him in for a deeper kiss. When you bit gently on his bottom lip, he shakily opened his mouth. Your grin spread across both of your faces as you pushed your way past his lips.

Lucifer’s tongue was long, and tapered more than you’d expected. It moved, unsure, against yours. Your hands slunk out of his hair and down his chest, sliding until finding the buttons of his vest. 

You felt him gasp into you, and when you began to open his shirt he pulled away, “It’s been… a very long time.”

A scream echoed in your skulll, your own scream, thankfully entirely in your mind. He was so cute. So soft. He looked so worried, you wanted to rip him to pieces with affection. Was that possible? You were going to try.

Your hands fumbled over his belt, the tremble in your fingers making the pants button feel like an aptitude test. Your mouth returned to him, kissing down his cheeks and into the space under his jaw. Finally you could slip your hand down into his pants, and you hissed without thinking.

He was painfully hard, throbbing head pressed into his skin. Your own cock twitched under your robe at the feeling.

Did you do this? Had you gotten the King like this with just a question and a kiss? Tip nearly purple with pressure, you rested your forehead on his collarbone and watched his stomach jump as you wrapped your fingers around it.

Alastor fought back a laugh, tongue nearly cut clean off with the attempt. This was better than he had expected. And he had just the idea to push it over the top.

When your head dipped to swipe your tongue over Lucifer’s cock, you both startled at the sudden sound of music. First you looked to the radio, then to Alastor.

One hand was loosening his bow tie, the other unbuckling his pants. 

“Don’t stop on my accord,” he bit his bottom lip, watching your attention return to Lucifer’s lap. 

Lucifer raised a finger in protest, “I wasn’t aware this was a group activity.”

“The more the merrier.” Alastor whipped his belt off and tossed it to the floor, other hand pulling his member free.

“Three’s a crowd.” 

“Two heads are better than one.” When Alastor lifted your robe away and sunk himself into you, hole soft and ready for him already, you moaned into the blonde hair at the base of Lucifer’s cock.

Your breath over his shaft and now down his balls made his hips buck against you. Your hands gripped at Lucifer’s thighs, trying to get steady enough to return your mouth to his waiting heat. You could smell his arousal, your head dizzy with so many of your senses being assaulted by both men. 

“You okay, kitten?” A concerned hand came to your cheek. 

Your watery, lust clouded eyes met his, “It feels so good, Luci.” His dick jerked. When you finally managed to get him in your mouth his head fell back, legs under him twitching with the need to move along to the bobbing of your head. Lucifer was wider than Alastor, the corners of your mouth burning as you tried to take in as much of him as possible. 

Alastor’s hand raked long nails down your back, a whine ran from your throat and down Lucifer’s shaft.  He moaned in turn, trying to not connect the dots between himself and Alastor.

“I think you may need a little demonstration, from someone more–, “ Alastor leaned down, his face now inches from Lucifer’s. His hand wrapped around your neck, “experienced.” He pulled you up by your throat.

Lucifer watched, your knees no longer touching the bed as Alastor fucked up into you. One hand gripping your throat, one arm holding your body against his. Your face began to redden, and your thighs noticeably clenching as best they could, legs open and feet on either side of Alastor’s body. Your cock hard and bouncing with every thrust. Lucifer winced, you looked pained, he wanted—

“Aa--Alastor,” Your voice was like honey, thick and sweet around Alastor’s name. Lucifer’s face fell flat, how could he have that? What did he need to do to have you say his name in such a debauched way? Why did that gangly sack of bones get all of the fun?

“See? He can handle more than you’d expect.” Alastor grinned, planting a kiss on your neck. You could see Lucifer watching through your wet eyelashes, his cock twitching repeatedly as his hand finally came down to touch himself. 

With the hand not holding onto Alastor’s wrist at your throat, you reached out for Lucifer. “Luci.” 

Alastor let you fall forward. Keeping your hips in the air and knees dangling just above the comforter, he continued his rough pace into your tight heat. Pulling your body on and off of his length with harsh drags he watched you lick from the base to the top of Lucifer’s member. Each thrust from him knocking your chin against it. 

When you popped the head back into your mouth and moaned around it from Alastor’s continued fucking, Lucifer gripped your hair with both hands. Alastor’s own erection jumped in you, the king of hell himself buckling from his dearest’s mouth. He could break him entirely by just pulling you off of Lucifer’s cock and refusing to return you. He was positive Lucifer would cry into his ruined orgasm if he did such a thing.

Tempting.

But, he promised to play along, for you. And he would, at his own terms. 

He pushed aside the thought entirely, instead returning to the task in front of him. Your tongue was pinned down when Lucifer was in your mouth, cock too fat to allow any room for movement. You abandoned trying to suck him off, and changed tactics to lick and kiss the sensitive flesh in your hands. 

Lucifer’s mind was—- he wasn't sure where exactly. His consciousness splintered around you. The feeling of you; your tongue was swirling around him, the first contact he’s had other than himself in literal years. The sound of you; your soft moans and huffs were both audible and physical, the hot breath ghosting over him. The sight of you; head in his lap as he leaned back, your ass in the air and making a satisfying slapping noise every time– 

Alastor. His eyes met Lucifer’s and a wicked grin took hold of his features. Lucifer could practically hear Alastor whisper across your body, ‘Watch this.’ Maybe Alastor had thought it, but he kept it to himself. 

Your hands began pumping Lucifer’s length while your body was slightly dragged away as Alastor backed up and let your knees find some solid ground again. 

Lucifer sat on his legs still, eyes flitting from between your face to the place you and Alastor connected. He could see Alastor disappearing inside you, and every intrusion had you gasping and mewling into the blankets. Your hand was still gently stroking him with outstretched arms, eyes clenched close.

Alastor smirked up at Lucifer, coming down over your back to reach around your body and find your dick, now pulsing under his hand. Immediately, you reacted. Legs squeezing together, hands stilling around your king’s cock. With a bite and lick to your shoulder blade, the radio demon set a bruising pace against you. That warmth in your core was spreading down as you felt him press against your g-spot with every kiss of his hips. 

You choked out his name, a chant Lucifer had never wanted to hear before now. How could you make Alastor’s name sound so delicious? He wrapped his fingers around yours on his dick and began moving with you. Your eyes rolled up to him, a weak smile forming before your orgasm made your face tighten. Alastor knew your body so well, bringing you to orgasm was like playing a well practiced song on the piano. Both required strong and fast fingers and a sense of rhythm. His hands working your shaft, fingers ghosting over your balls and head with every stroke up and down. 

With a few more deeper, shorter moves Alastor stilled, too. Your knees slid down as your hips sank into the bed, your own release sticky and already cooling under you.

Lucifer let your hand go limp, swallowing hard. He wasn’t ignorant to the way Alastor smiled at him as he reclined into the headboard, tucking himself back into his pants. 

“I have complete faith in you, for once.” Alastor teased Lucifer, hand motioning to your still limp body. His smile seemed to dare Lucifer, challenge him, to keep going even with Alastor’s release sitting pretty in you. 

Luci took a deep breath, steadying himself mentally, before pushing the hair from your forehead, “Hey there, kitten. What do ya need?”

With an uncharacteristic hunger in your eyes, you forced your line of sight up to him, “You, Luci.” Visibly shuddering, you sat up and brought your legs towards him, your knees touching each other in an odd display of shyness. Your hand felt at your entrance, Alastor’s seed just beginning to find its way from your relaxed and stretched hole. 

“Is it okay?” You asked, spreading the thick fluid between your fingers in front of Luci. 

Something between a grimace and a pout came over him, it wasn’t his ideal situation but the idea of — just how much he’d slip and slide in and out of your with the added lubrication made him feel feral. He wasn’t stupid, he knew Alastor hoped to ruin you and sour his experience. He decided to not allow it. 

With a kiss to his nose, you wrapped your arms around his neck and lied back. You weren’t sure you were breathing anymore when you felt his scorching head slot up with your entrance. He rubbed the leaking fluid over himself and you with swipes up and down your ass, teasing your entrance with every pass. The difference between his heat and the cooled cum made him shiver in turn. 

As he began to press into you, your body instinctively scooted away. It took both of your hands hooked under his arms to stay still enough for him to make any real headway. 

Luci stopped, your face clearly pained. Your head shook in response, “Please, you just have to keep going. I’ll adjust.” While both of his heads swelled with pride – Alastor’s cock clearly smaller – Luci didn’t notice the wild eyes of the radio demon. 

Alastor brought a hand to his face, red eyes peering between his spread fingers, smile threatening to break at the seams as he watched Lucifer Morningstar fucking his cum into his darling dear. 

 What a pitiful sight. How humiliating.

What would Charlie think of her big bad daddy? What would the other sins say? If they could see their king now, slick and shiny?

Your nails cut into his skin, and you were worried you were tearing slightly. Instead of attempting to thrust his way in, he chose to just continually press. The way your body seemed to be splitting made you second guess your decisions. But when his head finally popped in, your bullied boy cunt got some reprieve. He stopped, taking deep breaths. 

Tears were collecting on your waterline, Luci noticed and leaned on an elbow to wipe them away. His blonde hair was falling forward now, tickling at your forehead. 

You nodded, answering a question he didn’t ask, and he continued to force your walls open to accommodate him. The only sound in the room was the soft instrumental jazz number playing from atop the dresser. Your voice was stuck in your throat, Luci was focusing too hard to form words. Alastor could speak, but the music was just too enjoyable to interrupt. 

Finally, after what could have been two minutes or twenty, you felt Luci bottom out. You had to just lie there for a second, never having felt something so solid in your otherwise soft body. No slight to Alastor, who was perfectly skilled in his abilities. Luci was just—- more than you had expected. 

As he pulled out, you thanked the heavens and hell and the rings within that Alastor had left you so wet and already softened. The first few thrusts were genuinely uncomfortable, the pleasure you felt almost entirely mental, drawn from the reality of who was pulling your insides back and forth. You were so tight around him that he too was almost pained; so much pressure but no way to move enough to get any release.

Slowly, the ring of your entrance relented and Luci could finally move at a normal pace. He would take himself out to his head before slipping back in. Every thrust made your body spread around him, a semi-truck through a field of sunflowers. Your body didn’t stand a chance, and you were grateful he chose gentleness for his entrance.

He leaned back on both hands, using the position to fucked up into you at an angle. He knew very well where to hit to begin gathering your pleasure.

Alastor dropped his head, yours between his legs. His hair made a short curtain, hiding the look he was giving you from Luci. He adores the faces you make when you are happy. Excited. Pleasured. You tried to offer him a smile, but you couldn’t manage it for long. Your eyes would roll back, lips tighten as you focused on the feeling Luci was providing. Focused on the sensations, of being so full, so sticky wet, so wanted. But Alastor was still watching, the sight of Luci blocked from his view as he enjoyed every little twitch of your mouth, every whimper. 

It wasn’t jealousy, it was something more personal that stung Luci. While he couldn’t actually discern the looks you two gave each other, Luci felt very much the odd man out. But, he considered his position. Literally. He was leaning as far from your body as he could. He remembered the way you said Alastor’s name. Alastor had showed him exactly what to do, albeit in his usual obnoxious, showy fashion.

Sitting up, Luci adjusted your legs and slotted himself between them. Alastor leaned back, relinquishing your focus. Both of you looked at Luci though as one of his hands came to enclose your throat.

Alastor was almost impressed. Almost. You brought both hands to wrap around his wrist, glancing to Alastor behind you.

The words came out of Alastor as half warning, half instruction, “If he needs you to stop, he’ll tap two fingers twice on you, wherever he can reach.” Lucifer nodded, eyes not meeting Alastor’s. He kept them on your face, watching for any sign of distress as he tightened his grip. The way your muscles clenched around him earned you a hiss.

He began to move again, the new position causing his stomach to rut against your returning erection as he buried himself in you. More clenching; He tightened his grip more. 

“Are you sure he isn’t hurting?” Luci asked, your eyes closed and nails digging into his wrists.

“Nonsense. Can’t you feel him? Or does he just grip me like that?” The cocky expression made Luci unconsciously clench his fist on your neck. A gentle tap tap snapped him back to you. He loosened up again, his eyes large and apologetic.

You unconsciously tightened your own grip on his dick, grinding up into him for more friction. Your body had finally relaxed, pleasure freely flowing from where you and Luci tangled together. You closed your eyes, the pressure constant on the veins to your head. Blood flow restricted just enough to lower your oxygen levels and raise the nitrogen oxide in your body. It resulted in a dizzying feeling, maybe there was a primal panic that caused your body to feel heightened pleasure. You didn’t feel scared, or in danger. You felt —— ah there it was. You felt weak. You felt docile. You felt like you existed purely to give pleasure and the idea turned you on. In every day life you’d never allow someone to use you, to push you around. You were anything but subservient. That’s why it was so enthralling now. It was so strange a sensation. And to give yourself so fully to the king of hell, the originator of all sin? You groaned, head rolling back. 

Luci watched your head loll, drank in your groans and gasps and felt himself get dizzy too. More. Say his name like you did Alastor’s. Praise how well he fucked you. Reward him. Love him.

He pulled out suddenly, his head leaving you for the first time since it managed to fit in initially. Luci put both hands on your hips and directed you to roll onto your stomach. He pulled your ass up, knees bent. You crawled up enough to rest your forehead on the crook of Alastor’s leg, one lazily outstretched and the other bent under him slightly. Luci wasted no time pushing back in. He leaned over you and pressed his hand into your back, forcing your chest to be slightly crushed into the bed. He pulled out and slammed back into you, tearing a yelp from you as he hit deeper than he had before, stomach lurching into your chest with the impact.

He stopped, unsure, until he felt your hand reach under yourself and rest at the junction of his knee and calf. His other hand came to your right hip, and he used it to keep you from sliding up the bed. Letting his eyes close again, he focused on the feeling of you around him. His crotch and thighs were covered in oil and cum, his balls tight against him. Every drag out of you made his body jerk back into you with need. It felt so good, too good. He needed more. He pressed hard into you, oversized tip of his cock opening parts of you never before reached. He made shorter thrusts now, ensuring he bottomed out every time. It was too deep, too much of a stretch. Your moans slowly devolved into screams, the pleasure mixed with a soft burning. 

You could feel him spreading open your body, soft walls helpless to resist his raging member. The feeling of your silky boy cunt sliding along his cock, your tight hole gripping him, was driving him mad.

You were screaming. Actual, pleasured screams, threatening to alert the entire hotel to your activities. Wails that started shrill and dipped into a gutteral cry filled the room with every thrust of Lucifer’s frenzied hips.

A tiny part of your brain felt embarrassed, a dying animal shrieking into Alastor’s thigh.

An ever shrinking part of Lucifer existed too, the piece of him too preoccupied with your two fingers on his leg to enjoy you. It got smaller and smaller, no longer a blockade to his pleasure, but a safety net allowing him to walk the tightrope of sadism.

The radio’s volume dial rolled, smooth jazz now blaring and drowning out your painfully pleasured cries. Alastor was fine with allowing someone to take care of your needs at his permission but strangers had no business enjoying your sounds.

As Luci became lost in the sensation of your body trying to suck him in whole, his hand on your back began to press down. Your breaths got shorter, it got harder to expand your lungs fully.

Face turned and drooling onto the fabric of Alastor’s pants, you started gasping out his name, “Luci! Nngh Luciiii, Lucifer.”

Your lips dropped his name and it fell like lead into his thoughts. He fought the urge to close his eyes again as he felt his orgasm building. He watched your flushed skin jump beneath every punishing thrust, his name a spell you could now barely whisper, not enough breathe to scream. Your upper body was entirely buried into the mattress. It felt like your back might snap with Luci’s loss of control. You kept your hand on his leg, ever ready to tap out.

The yellow of his eyes turned red, just like the skin of your ass where his hip bones chaffed. “You take me so well, kitten.” He ground out, “Daddy’s gonna cum.”

Alastor’s eyes glowed a blood red from the end of the bed, a wickedly devious grin across his face at the opportunity before him, he looked up at Luci and said with a commanding tone, “Cum.”

Luci was already over that peak when his eyes flew up to catch Alastor’s, it was too late to stop his orgasm. He was helpless to disobey, despite his now desperate desire to never cum again. With a moan, and a hiss, he pressed your body fully into the mattress. Your body now flush, he waited until his cock stopped jerking his long overdue seed into your bruised ass.

Luci lied on top of you even after you were full to the brim with his cum. It was already forcing its way out around his softening cock when he managed to roll off of you and onto his back.

Staring at the canopy of the bed, he felt two emotions rise to the surface. First, concern. He turned to you, and you gave a weak thumbs up.

Second, rage.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you.” He looked to Alastor, who was grinning as he pet your head, whispering something to you. 

“Little late for dirty talk, your highness.”

Lucifer growled, but Alastor’s palm pressed against his forehead and pushed him back down to the bed.

“I sleep on the left. I’d prefer you on the right.” he gently moved your head from his lap, “Beside me, my dear. A darling barrier.” Alastor didn’t look at Lucifer, just slid off the bed and walked into the en-suite bathroom. “No outside clothes under the comforter.” Alastor called from the bathroom before the sound of rushing water poured in.

You rolled onto your back, still catching your breath. Body sprawled out on the massive bed like a starfish.

Lucifer turned onto his side, hand caressing your arm. “Are you okay, kitten? I didn’t mean to lose myself like that.” He felt shame, like he had done something terrible. “And— I didn’t help you finish. That’s pretty shitty.”

But it fell away when you smiled back at him, “I feel great. Sore, but great all the same.” You let your fingers clumsily lace with his. “I really like you, Luci. And I don’t need to cum to enjoy myself. You can always try again, ya know?”

Lucifer felt his face grow warm, but couldn’t press you to clarify what exactly that meant before Alastor scooped you up and carried you to the bath.

There was a moment where he was alone, noticing the radio was back to a tolerable volume, the water splashing softly out of view. He felt out of place, like he had accidentally walked into a stranger’s home. He wasn’t sure what to do next, where to go from there when Alastor’s head popped back into the room, annoyed, “Are you coming or not? Those are clean sheets.”

༻Masterlist༺

[prettyflyshyguy]

OK my power is back, lets do this. I have found on youtube someone has fully uploaded every episode of the Canadian show "Blood Ties" (2007) in fairly good quality, so just like with Supernatural I'm going to do a little liveblogging.

If you need context, read this trio of posts first.

You all know the drill - extended thoughts and ramblings under the cut, I'm gearing up to do some drawing tonight so I don't know how many eps I'll feel chatty about in tonight's sesh.

S1E1-2 - Blood Price

Ok I had written out a bunch of stuff AND THEN MY POWER CUT so I lost it but the long and short of it is: I love Vicki, she is exceptionally fun so far. I love that with the canadian accent she says 'mum' (as opposed to 'mom')

I love that she just has a tactical torch at her disposal?? After going on a date??

I also love how she removes her glasses when Mike shows up (and subsequently walks into a fucking parked car after her interaction with him)

Like he calls out to her, she turns around and sees him, immediately turns away and WHIPS THEM OFF to 'clean them' like girl I see what's going on here. I see that.

It's interesting and cool that their lead character has a degenerative vision condition and I really hope they play this off well. It's fun seeing her be so defiant and advocate for herself (to her mother, who's overly concerned for her wellbeing despite her being well into adulthood - the guy she was on a date with clearly not listening to her and babying her, trying to read her the menu) while at the same time its clear there's hints at it being something she's not completely comfortable with (removing glasses for Mike, for instance. There's history there.)

I had to get glasses into my adulthood, which was a bit of a sudden and very slightly scary change for me. Pretty typical, nothing abnormal, but it was still a change and something I had to become comfortable with. Vicki's situation is more intense of course, but it's cool seeing it represented like this.

Ok so this very suspicious vampire-coded character just killed someone in an alley and they're striding away wearing these sick ass goth boots and you just KNOW how this is all going to pan out (IT WAS FILMED IN 2007)

Chat I think I'm obsessed with her

TV shows including vampires once again committing crimes against alternative people. Smh.

-

It took a whopping

10 minutes

Before there was a sex scene in this show.

Anyway I'm going to try and not be a cynical ass about it because yknow I'm spiders georg: my opinions make me an outlier and I shouldn't be counted.

But the dialogue was incredibly cringe during it.

AUTHENTIC 2007 MOMENT WITH THE DIGITAL CAMERA!!!!

I'm living for the kind of goofy colour graded lighting they really went ham with it. It's fun! It's silly! It gives great atmosphere!

"Look familiar?"

This mortician side character is so fucking funny she better be recurring. I'll riot if she doesn't become a regular side character.

Hold up a second what the fuck kind of mid 2000s era anime art poster is THAT I JUST GOT FUCKING MIND BLASTED BACK TO MY FIRST ANIME CON IN LIKE 2009 AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-

it took a whopping

twenty two minutes

before characters started making out-- *my power dies on me again*

It wouldnt be a mid 2000s crime show involving vampires if it didn't have the normie main character enter an alternative bar/club/venue with some banger music playing and a great crowd who's probably full of some of the friendliest people ever despite appearences

Alright I'm not immune to a good gimmick: the vampire character saw Vicki at the club and approached her, attempted to use persuasion on her to find out what she's doing there but he rolled a nat 1 and flunked it. I'm guessing it's something to do with her eyesight deteriorating that his vampire-hypnotism doesn't work?

"Might wanna take that hand off my arm before I snap it off at the wrist." GO OFF VICKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love that we get a moment where the vampire is saying to this group of thugs "You're not the kind of evil that killed him" referring to the random victim that the show opened with

AND THEN AFTER ONE SCENE WE CUT BACK AND HE'S JUST CHUG JUGGING WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! LMAOOOOOO

nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice nice

there may be crimes against alt people but damn they nailed the fashion at very least I mean LOOK AT THIS!

Lowkey love that both the cop private investigator and the vampire are independently doing their own investigation into these murders that are going on and it's like ok cmon I want them to start working together PLEAAASEEEEE

*mortal combat announcer voice* Fatality

(NOT THE PITCH BLACK CONTACTS YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME)

"Stop right there or you're gonna lose all that fancy dental work!"

SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPP SHUT UPPPPPPPPP OH MY GODDDDDD

-

"I wouldn've pegged you for a day over 40."

"I use a great moisturiser."

I was about to criticise this show for its writing (feels a bit clunky at times) but I have to take it back. This scene obliterated me.

-

NVM he can't persuade her because she's too "hardheaded" >:(

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand they're flirting and I'm zoning out.

Aaaaaaaaaaand they're back investigating murders and I'm back.

The ratio of sex appeal to murder investigation is maybe a teeeeny bit too high for me to enjoy this series too seriously (plus the writing is just a bit. Too. Campy.) but it's been fairly fun so far! Like Being Human it's got some issues with tonal shifting that put me off but this guy keeps making some damn good faces so. That'll keep me here for at least a little bit.

it took a whopping

twenty three minutes

into the 2nd episode before he bites and feeds off her and I mean

Yeah it's to be expected but there was NO BLOOD VISIBLE??? and it was far too charged in a weird way and like. C'mon. You've lowered the stakes and suspense. Pulling that card so fast you're giving us no tension to be built later.

Ok we're past the point of no return I cannot take this show seriously in any capacity anymore -- the receptionist at Henry's (the vampire) apartment building is carving a steak casually on a weekday morning

like this is just

you've got to be fucking kidding me

she's known this dickhead for 48 hours or something and he has so far:

-insulted her

-kidnapped her (technically)

-told her he was a vampire out of nowhere

-insulted her again

and she's now sensually touching his shirtless body while he's passed out BOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOO BOOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO

VICKI PLEASE

-

I cannot believe the girlfriend of the original victim becomes Vicki's assistant because SHE BLACKMAILS VICKI ARE YOU JOKING ME

-

Ok I finished the first two episodes which are more or less the introduction to the series. My hot take is: it's not very good.

If you like looking at hot people flirting and really hammed up love triangles and lines such as "You gave me your blood. You're a part of me now." (... I physically cringed...)

You will LOVE this show.

Unfortunately I came here for a supernatural buddy cop and there's far too much flirting over case file documents to maintain my interest at this stage. But I will still give it a go as some background noise until I get tired.

My endless quest for vampire media that fits to my preferences continues (NOTHING SO FAR HAS MANAGED TO TOPPLE SUPERNATURAL LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD FROM THE #1 ON MY LIST LMFAOOOOOOO)

So far my impressions of Henry, in terms of if he qualifies as member of the exclusive and impressive @anti-vampire-vampire-club are:

-Wet and Miserable: dude is glowing, his skincare routine is fabulous, he's living his best life expressing himself through his hobby (writing and illustrating graphic novels!!!) and he is not depressed in the slightest

-Clinging to their humanity: yeah I guess????

-Resisting Temptation: Nope. Absolutely not. It does not matter if he only bites 'bad people' he's far too chill about the whole vampire thing.

-Monster Murderer: Jurys still out since the first two episodes were fixated on demons.

Overall he's fun but he's still kind of insufferable. Like one minute he's being cool and fun and the next he says something that makes me physically recoil in my chair groaning in pain.

Like I get it: this is playing off the stereotypical vampire romance fantasy. This happens to have a violently negative effect on me. I'm like allergic to it.

UNFORTUNATELY he might end up having to be a dishonorable mention in the list.

[somaticknitter]

Mighty Nein EP 50

I know I'm years behind but damn those art prints fuck hard

🎶ROLL THE DICE 🎶

But my husband-we spent three months searching for your backstory...

Love that the dynasty just has like big fuckass dune worms

Oh wow Caleb has a whole 47hp I'm so proud

Wait I forget wouldn't frumpkin have dark vision as a cat

Kitten (Odysseus) and slightly older kitty (Caleb Widogast) have both shown mercy and haven't chosen to nap on the laptop yay

Love that caduceus' Nature sucks very funny

Living clock Caleb Widogast

Sunk cost fallacy but for fuckass worm tunnels

This geode cavern sounds so awesome

Ooooh we're stealthy as fuck boi

Nott & Jester BFF 💚💙

Already hate these tentacle cone things hate the fucking teeth hate everything about it

Evolutionary biology must be insane in fantasy worlds

Like imagine the amount of convergent evolution, mimic version of carcinization I'd kill myself

This is why so many wizards lose their shit

FOUR ATTACKS PER ROUND FUCK OFF FOREVER KESUS FUCK

(whimpers apprehensively)

Maybe they have really shitty HP since their AC is fucking 20 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

SLOW AND BANE MY BELOVEDS

-> FUCKING ABSCOND

DING DONG DING DONG IT'S 4 O'CLOCK

Drowning buddies round two: Fjord and Nott version 💚

[emotional moment] "also it's 9 o'clock" "Fuck you"

FRUMPKIN DANCE!! ฅ⁠^⁠•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠^⁠ฅ

overall penalty for stealth for reading smut out loud lol lmao even

LMAO BREAK CLIFFHANGER

kobold swarm hate that

C'mon Caleb the negotiator you got this

Oh please let there be fanart of Caleb in the rope trap please I need it like I imagine arms crossed face matching his hair from the blood rush 19 intimidation while upsidedown

Insane interaction I fucking love dnd

Liam as Caleb dead eye staring while still upsidedown

Trading frumpkin only for the creature to immediately bolt is hilarious actually

Beau and jester putting on a show while everyone is just silently watching with blank expressions

WHAT IS HAPPENING

~not playing just visiting THIS IS A HOUSE OF LIES

Lmao nat 20 for 7 poison damage

This got so silly so quickly

Everyone crying from laughter including me truly this is DND at it's best

Oh please be lava or a dragon or both

FIRE GIANTS EVEN BETTER

REST IN PIECES SPURT WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Liam's face as matt describes the lava shield that is a man who is making future spell plans

Ja my grandmother used to keep me up late at night reading me stories about things like this. No I don't know anything! I don't know!

And you're going to fight: FUCKED

...maybe if we wait long enough they'll fall asleep

Nott being a mom to jester and Beau: Focus! Focus!

Oh there's no way this can end well this is an insane situation

Oh dragonfly shawl inspired by caduceus fuck yes

Lol sprinkle almost fucking Caleb over lmao even

Oh cool failed on step 1 fuckdamn

Y'know maybe if they do wait long enough the fire giants will go to sleep maybe that's a good plan actually

CMON POLYMORPH BRING US TO VICTORY

BEAUREGARD AND CADUCEUS STEP OF THE WIND 2/7 CLEAR

JESTER AND CALEB WITH DIMENSION DOOR 4/7 CLEAR

MORE BEES

32 TO HIT JESUS FUCK OH MY FUCKING GOD

Imagine if the cow fucked them over

FJORD AND YASHA WITH THUNDER STEP 6/7 CLEAR

Oh god this is such a fucking bad way to die c'mon Nott

There's only 30 minutes left and I am so stressed

Caleb casting Banishment via middle finger is so good

Everyone immediately leaving safety to rescue Nott IM DYING HERE

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME IT COLLAPSED THE FUCKING BRIDGE

CMON RING OF WATER WALKING SAVE US

wow happened in campaign 1 too the underdark just kinda sucks huh

"do you have the ability to turn back time?" "we're working on it"

9D10S?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING

STRESSED I AM STRESSED THIS IS SO STRESSFUL

second time caleb has seen his mom burn

oh thank fuck

I am vibrating from sheer stress my fight or flight has fucking activated hhhhhh

[x-hollywoodghoul-x]

TOP FIVE SONG ASSOCIATIONS

Repost, don't reblog!

1. World Ender - Lord Huron

I had a name but they took it from me I was the man that I wanted to be I had a place where I lay my head They burnt it to the ground and the sky turned red I had a life and a place in the world I had a sweet talkin' wife and a beautiful girl I know I'm never gonna see 'em again Gonna tear the world up until I have my revenge They took my life but it isn't the end They put me in the ground but I'm back from the dead

Oh I'm the World Ender baby and I'm coming for you

2. Boneshaker - Jay Price

("I choose to pick a fight with this entire settlement to assert my dominance and also that brotherhood knight over there too - aand I just rolled a nat 20 let's fucking go" wild west brawl vibes)

3. As good as I once was - Toby Keith

If you want to fight tonight Guess them boys don't look all that tough I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once As I ever was I used to be hell on wheels Back when I was a younger man Now my body says "You can't do this boy" But my pride says "Oh yes, you can" I ain't as good as I once was That's just the cold hard truth I still throw a few back, talk a little smack When I'm feelin' bullet proof So don't double-dog dare me now 'Cause I'd have to call your bluff

4. Rattlesnake - Daniel Norgren

(Wild west outlaw entering town vibes)

5. The Wolf - Eddie Vedder

(Wandering the wastes alone as a sad bitter cowboy vibes. Meloncholy yodelling-style vocals absolutely sent me)

Tagging: @okey-fucking-dokey @savingthrcw @canary-in-a-vault and anyone else who wants to do it

(If you follow me and want to be tagged in future memes like this one so you don't miss 'em, just tag me when you repost this and put a 🔄 emoji after my username - I'll add you to my tag list, no questions asked, whether we've interacted before or not 🤝)

[loading-excuses]

more moments/quotes that i’ve been thinking about recently bc ive been watching d20 chaos complications on youtube while waiting for the next season to come out

lou shouting “THIRD NAT ONE” after two of the other intrepid heroes rolled nat 1s for their first initiate rolls of a starstruck odyssey

I KISS HER AND I SKATEBOARD AWAY

bud cuddy’s speech during fantasy high season 1 before breaking the bad kids out and chiming a molotov in an police station

every time brennan tries to make a enemy and the intrepid heroes immediately babygirlify said enemy (ie: the butter gummies in fhjy and calling the corn android a corn cutie in starstruck)

brennan answering a face time call with his mother elaine lee creator of the starstruck universe while in full costume and makeup during one of the nsbu adventure ig party episodes

“lets give’em something to taco cat”

“oh, 42 my favorite number. it’s the number of heinz varieties”

the fun facts of the fix (hank green)

the way alex sits up and makes their shoulders broad when they’re playing kingskin

izzy asking brennan if she can have a grenade

“i now pronounce you… creepy and freaky”

“are there anymore combatants on the field cause i still have key points to burn”

murph’s hairy baby dance

“i’m gonna sneak into his room tonight and give him a vasectomy”

fabian, quivering “he told me he’s going to shit in my mouthhhh”

liam piggyback riding on ricky the entirety of the first time quangle episode

“me and murph are in a quangle with beardsley”

“now go away, literally forever”

“SHES A GODDAMN CENTAUR”

ricky and his selfies

“it’s ricky’s! he’s so hot i wanna fuck him so bad”

“i’m startin to think that this isn’t interactive theater”

the silly little bit the intrepid heroes did during time quangle when the neverafter theme music plays

What D20 quotes/moments live rent free in your brain?

For me it’s

“you have to smoke this or ill lie” and the way the rogue teacher called adaine a loser in fhjy

“my name is norman ‘skip’ takamori”

the way baron says “riz gukgak”

“romänce pærtner”

“EDIT AROUND IT!”

emily pretending to be fig as she falls off seacaster manor in fhjy and the edit of it that looks like the elmo fire meme

“toxic masculinity is dead! i dance now!”

“the lawnmower!” “the lawnmower????”

“gonna kill that dog man” and brennan doing the tongue in cheek gesture

any time lou speaks as pinocchio

“i am the setting”

every time ally beardsley rolls a nat20

“ally also has -3 to dex” and every moment that encapsulates that

it’s 3am in a warehouse

“shall be hence forth known in adventuring law as the party foul!”

aabria saying “i do have alert i can’t be surprised” brennan’s immediate expression of ‘oh no’ followed up by rehka going “you know you can be surprised? bwennan”

the way erika plays ava in burrows end

“THATS. MY. WIFE!!!!!”

the whole interaction of “lair action” “oh no it’s okay” “huh?”

“ooo mommy has so much bloodlust!”

“it’s a three person cult including the leader”

“hey girlieeeeee”

honor the cock

ayda aguefort.

“xoxoxoxo the wizard ayda augefort”

“little doggy… girl collar?”

k2

SPRING BREAK I BELIVE IN YOU

and many more but i have to stop here or else this list would go on forever

[sorin-sunchild]

NO NO YOU'RE GOOD! I totally should have worded the beginning better. I completely understand why you were on the defensive. I'm autistic too so I get it! Please don't feel bad! 🥹

Aaaah still I feel bad!! Anyway I deleted my snarky responses because y'all didn't deserve that. Fucking weeeps I rolled at nat 1 on this interaction. I'm open to your vibes now if you wanna vent more lol