#rynndom thoughts

[rynndom-ace]

Genuinely

I love labels

I love labels because you have this word you can point to and say "thats how I feel, there are others that feel like that, I'm not alone"

Labels are fucking cool

[rynndom-ace]

I find it really funny how I have seen a lot of aegosexual people say that reader insert fanfictions are the worst kind but I present to you the most aegosexual way to still read them

I have created an entire character in my head that is fleshed out enough that I could write a whole profile but still flexible enough to be fit into any universe, being very different from me but still partially relatable that I insert into reader-insert fics because some of them are really good and I still want to read them

First-person fanfictions are the worst, though.

[rynndom-ace]

I do think "allowing myself to be" genderfluid is bringing me a certain peace of mind.

And I don't know a lot about being nonbinary, but right now, that seems like a good thing, I don't have assumptions & expectations, so I'm just vibing

It's utterly fascinating reading around about labels & experiences and finding stuff I relate to. There have been many moments in my life where I thought I was broken in some way, there still are, but just knowing that there are sooo many words at this point describing experiences of so many people is massivly comforting.

I don't know who I will tell that I am nonbinary, I don't know how much I will tell, I don't know if I will change anything about my life.

What I do know is I feel a little bit happier & have found a good bit more comfort in myself <3

[rynndom-ace]

You know now after the Trans Day of Visibility & the Asexual Day of Visibility, I am so motivated to be more visible

Because I wasn't necessarily sheltered from queer topics, but I also wasn't straight up thought much

A gay couple worked at my elementary school, but I didn't know they were gay or a couple until 4 years there & it honestly didn't change anything for me or my outlook on things

And looking back now from here, 13 years later, it makes a lot of sense that it didn't change anything for me because I am aromantic

The way I was taught things (by school and media, to be specific) never made sense to me, but I took them at face value. So sitting here AroAce and Genderqueer I am wondering what would have happened if I knew someone who is like I am now back then.

Anyway case & point: Not having romantic and/or sexual attraction towards anyone does not make you broken it just means you are a different normal and I am sending out hugs to anyone who ever thought they were broken.

I'ma take some steps to be more visible in safe but possibly unexpected places

[rynndom-ace]

I've been digging through childhood memories in an attempt to figure myself out and I keep wondering what I would have said when I was 5, 7, 10, 12 years old and someone would have sat me down and ask me - like really ask me - if I felt like a girl or a boy (or something else entirely)

Because I can't imagine that A) I would have said girl always with the same confidence and B) The answer would have always been the same

And even though I only remember vaguely there were always times where I was included in girls where I was like "Hell yeah! Girls!" And there were times where I was like "Wwwhhyyyyy"

I'm very glad my parents (and some of my teachers) didn't raise me as a girl. They raised me as a child. But extended family, other teachers, my friends parents, my friends

They raised me as a girl. I'd say roughly 50/50 it was right and it was wrong but it was never wrong enough for me to voice it (or I didn't know how to)

And frankly basically 90% of the words I feel connected to weren't around 10 years ago (much less in my native language)

So what I'm trying to get at as much as I know I don't need signs in my childhood but I keep finding them and I don't really know what to do with that

[rynndom-ace]

I love how I keep cyceling through "I'm definitely genderfluid & genderflux cause it (the Gender™️) moves" and then it stops and I'm like "am I actually? It stopped, and it doesn't shift that much anyway so maybe not..."

And from everything I've seen this is a common experiences for genderfluid people so I'ma stamp that under "signs you are genderfluid" for me

[rynndom-ace]

Gender Update (I guess?)

Let's look at this like a half-time point check-in, but it's actually just me explaining what genders I am sure I have felt since I started questioning my gender

Sooouuu, I would say the questioning itself started late last summer, but I kinda didn't do much with it cause I didn't know how?

Starting this year, I sat down and went to read, and read, and read...and read some more.

And by feburary I knew two things: Confusion & "it moves™️??"

I made myself a very simple tracker that was 10 squres, 'woman' on one side & 'non-binary' on the other. My march I switched to a 10x5 grid with 'woman', 'nonbinary' & 'agender'. Now for may I have switched 'nonbinary' for 'maverique'

I'm also very sure I have both genderfluidity & genderfluxity happening, so the grid is how I keep track of that day to day (whenever I remember to fill it in-)

As of now, 4 genders I could pinpoint with sufficient certainty at some point are: demiwoman (demigirl), maverique, agender & very shortly gendervoid. I'm also like 85% sure I was very woman once, but again, I only started paying real attention fairly recently, so it's kinda hard to tell.

Anyway, welcome to my continued question of "Am I genderfluid or did I lie to myself because nothing has changed in the past week?"

[rynndom-ace]

Shoutout to isogender

I don't identify at all with being trans but 'cis' is also just as much of a fit as 'girl' was when I was younger. It's very much just "it must be this if I don't like the other option"

But isogender yeeaaahh Isogender LETS GOOOO

But genuinely when I was actually looking into an 'alternative' to cis & trans finding isogender very much made me feel similar to when I found aegosexual so, yeah, I think I'm getting more comfortable with everything

[rynndom-ace]

As much as I'm marinating with/in (??) some labels right now, I think the biggest problem is actually just kinda being chill with everything??

There is an inherent aversion to 'coming out' for me because it is so often presented as a once in a life time thing and after that no changes allowed and as much as I know that is not true and the labels I gravitate towards inherently include change, the imposter syndrom along with it is not helping

And this is especially odd for me because...I'm not actively discussing this with anyone? I'm just thinking about it, making a few notes & writing my thoughts here, like there is noone telling me I am not what - I am fairly sure at this point - I am

I also have no idea how I would deal with someone who would deny how I...am?? Cause I am, I just am, I am as much as the sun is in the sky, I am as much as the wind is in the trees, and I do not have the energy to argue

There is also absolutely some very deep set cis/hetero/amatonormativity going on, which keeps pushing back

I think it's very good that I am consciously seeking out multigender & contradictory label content because it's comforting, it's helping

[rynndom-ace]

Due to (still) generally looking around I do see a lot of "is (insert identity) valid?" and I think with everytime I see it I lose a little bit of the ability to ask that question myself because the answer is almost always "yes" regardless of what the question actually includes

There is problems with that question sure but humans are social after all & humans need social validation

But if anything I am starting to not ask that question

[rynndom-ace]

Mulling over gender dysphoria & gender euphoria

While I don't have that much body dysphoria (like occasional chest dysphoria) I do think social dysphoria I can track back faaar into my childhood. Not all the time, not often enough or severe enough for me to have noticed then

But often and strong enough that looking back - if I was give the choice - I wouldn't have said I was a girl.

I was fine being included in "the girls™️" because I was told I'm not a boy & I was craving belonging in spaces as I was already labelt as "weird"

I relate a lot to the "are you a boy or a girl?" "I'm me" thing, and I think when I was younger "girl" was more accurate than "women" is now

[rynndom-ace]

Another post thrown into the void cause the gender is certainly fluid-ing

So currently a very clear indication for me that I am genderfluid is that I see a label, I don't relate to it but I write it down cause it's near other labels I do relate to and then a few weeks/months later it suddently fits. Happend with Agender, Maverique & Juxera.

However while over the past month, I've been more on the Juxera side of things over the last few days it feels like gender was added onto it.

I keep thinking that it changed to something else entirely, but I just didn't have a word for it. Today, Trigender came back to mind & that makes sense somehow.

The best way I can currently describe it is that I was at 100% Juxera, and then over the last days, Woman & Maverique creeped in, and now I'm at like 150% of gender but it's three at once

Ehhh yeah, I don't know what to do with this now except just kinda take my little notes & wait

[rynndom-ace]

I genuinely have a hard time reacting to my given name.

I hear it, and then I need to go through the whole process of: hearing the name > processing the name > realising it's my name > reacting

Which I think has always been like that? But since starting to move in online spaces with different names it's gotten so much harder.

And I find that fascinating.

I used a color within a username for a while before switching to an animal, the animal became my name. Anytime I heard it, I reacted immideantly, with no hesitation even if people were just talking about the animal.

Rynn is like 4 steps removed from my given name, but it clicked instantly (that's why I use it here). All nicknames associated with my given name I never liked, and the option to just use a different name was never presented to me.

But two names I keep circiling back to are "Wanya" & "Luka" (with these exact spellings). I think since I heard these names, I've been having 'name envy' to some degree, like I want these names, I want these to be my names.

And I don't hate my given name, it's fine, it's a good name, but I also don't really connect to it. It's my given name, it was given to me, and I should absolutely be allowed to decide if I want to keep it or if I want to change it.

[rynndom-ace]

Pronouns, pronouns

I've been wondering and considering & I think I know what I like now for the most part, but I am also fascinated by my general observations

I really like she, they & xe. Like all equally great, love them

he/him I have no feelings towards whatsoever

It/its is complicated. Those make me feel something, but I can't place it. Interestingly enough, it/its in my native language (german) I like a lot more than in english. (Probably cause neutral & masculine forms overlap a lot in german and for neutral I always default to masculine forms??)

With xe/xem I thought I just generally liked that there are neopronouns like that, but as I learned about all of them xe/xem just stood out to me, so I take those, mine

[rynndom-ace]

There is an interesting comfort coming along with learning about labels I don't relate to at all

Like Bigender. I don't think fits me very much but just that it exists and is defined and is used is bringing me comfort

Some with Lesboy. I don't relate at all but just that it's there is nice

And Xenogenders, my dearly beloved, while I gravitate towards some, it is too early for me to be sure if I relate or not, but the comfort I found after I understood, thank you so very much

[rynndom-ace]

Shout out to 15 year old me who cried herself to sleep (only once somehow) because she thought she had to agree to have sex with someone a man eventually

Shoutout to 16 year old me who learned about asexuality and went "I kinda connect to that...but thats a thing for future me to figure out"

Shoutout to 18 year old me who woke up in a - metaphorical - cold sweat with the realization I never actually had a crush on a boy, I always just had interest in being friends with them

So yeah queer education is important, and I do wish I would have learned about many things sooner