#s current year) and he got hooked on doing that forever. LIKE its not hard to respect and learn *with* autistic people. GRRRRGHDGDJH

[theood]

falling down an aba therapy rabbit hole god so many people just treat autistic people with fluctuating abilities as subhuman there is always a better workaround for kid AND parent but really its not about the parent here its abt the kid

[permafusion-stevonnie]

So this idea isn’t leaving my head. While I’m not going to get it started for now, since I want to concentrate on my current Stevonnie comic, ideas are still ticking away and I just really wanted to draw this cover for the idea.

Maybe I’ll get its own page started in time. I’ll let you know if I do. But even if I did, I wouldn’t expect regular updates to it, not while I’m working on Together Forever.

I want to quickly say something that I think some people may have gotten confused about when I was talking about the Fallout Universe before:

Crystal Gems are still called Crystal Gems, but their role is similar, but not the same as the Brotherhood of Steel. In that they are isolationists, who will try to protect humanity from dangerous gem technology, and corrupted gems. they aren’t bothered with human mutants, human problems, or human technology. But I feel that, ove time, Steven will help their character growth away from this and help them, at least, start opening up to the local comminuty and helping where they can.

Homeworld Authority is still called Homeworld, or The Authority, but take on a similar role to the Enclave. They view themselves as the rightful masters of earth and they’re automatically more superior to any other lifeform by birthright.

I have been thinking over what could have occurred to create this world, how’s this for a (work in progress) backstory: (ended up a lot longer than I thought it would, so I’m space saving by putting in this break)

The Gem colonisation of earth happened later than it did in canon. A couple of thousand years, maybe. Unlike the 6000 years ago in canon, it was perhaps 5000, or maybe 4000 years ago. Enough for a bigger human civilisation to take part in the gem war for earth.

Pink still gets her colony started, still changes her mind about it, and finally chooses to become Rose Quartz to lead the rebellion. I think the human zoo will still be made, because I like the idea of that being around to give a mash-up of the human zoo and the mother ship zeta dlc from Fallout 3.

What really diverges from the timeline is when the rebellion starts fighting back with larger groups of human allies. 4000 (or 5000) years ago we are talking some good military strategies, chariots, bows and arrows, cavalries and tactics, etc. Some research will be needed to really flesh out the lore.

Homeworld, facing a bigger threat than a hundred or so rebels, puts a little more effort into research and development of newer technologies to counteract the human strategies. Nothing develops technologies quite like war.

Rose and the others start capturing some technologies from Homeworld and start studying them to not only understand them, but even attempting to reverse engineer them. They obviously won’t be able to replicate the weapons in form, but hope to do so in function.

This is where Scribes would come in for the Crystal Gems are the replacement for the Brotherhood of Steel that I’ve talked about before. Some Gems and some clever humans, would dedicate themselves to trying to understand the newer Gem technology they’re starting to see.

With inventive people like Bismuth to build their own version of it.

The actual Gem Technology will be locked away in the temple- or whatever name I may give it- but the remake versions that the Crystal Gems turn out will be spread far and wide.

I’m just thinking off the top of my head, but it’d be like- if they tried to make their own version of the gem destabiliser, it would be like a giant tuning fork hooked up to something similar to a large Baghdad Battery (google it, it’s kinda cool) that they would carry in a backpack.

The war would carry on like that, with Homeworld making new tech to combat the threat, sooner or later the rebellion captures some, they make their own version of it, and Homeworld makes new tech to combat the threat.

This drain on resources does take its toll on Homeworld though, and their war against earth is perhaps much shorter, between 300 and 800 years, I haven’t decided yet.

Things do play out similar to canon though. Homeworld decides to abandon earth as a lost cause, implant the Cluster so they’ll get something out of the deal and the three Diamonds blast the earth with their powers as a final middle finger to the rebels.

Gems are destroyed, except for the original Crystal Gems, and Bismuth! Canon Bismuth made a lot of regular weapons and armour and the rebellion was still losing. She was driven to making the Breaking Point because she didn’t think they had a chance of winning any other way. In this new canon, however, because Bismuth was working on newer and newer weapons all the time, each one she was confident would help turn the tide of the war, she never had chance to work on the ultimate weapon of the Breaking Point. She may have designed it, or may have the idea kicking around the back of her mind, but never got around to building it. 

Rose does her thing of finding somewhere isolated to live in both peace and regret for the war. This is where the Crystal Gems become isolationists

With the Gems gone, humans are left to their own devices with all this more advanced technology than they should have in this point in history. Tech continues to develop with this head start.

Fast forward to the year 1929 and people are living lives as you’d see in the Fallout universe in the 2070′s. Nuclear fulled cars, robot assistants, laser rifles and power armour and all that other stuff.

The reason I chose 1929 is two-fold. The first Fallout game was set 84 years after the nuclear war, and 84 years after 1929 is the year 2013; the year Steven Universe first aired.

The failing of the world is the same reason the Fallout universe failed. Resources started to become scarce, wars started over what remained and the whole thing was escalated by a race that may have been too young to fully understand the forces they were really dealing with, having come a long way, but still too fast, thanks to the ancient interference.

Nuclear hellfire rained down and some people took their shelter in the vaults, while everyone else had to find ways to survive outside.

Rose and the Gems stick to their isolation as humanity all but wipes itself out. Rose is heartbroken to see the beautiful world that she fought so hard for, so easily destroyed. There can be a lot to explore there. Maybe Rose will leave the group, maybe she’ll just wander off and be alone a lot but still return to the temple eventually. I haven’t decided yet.

Perhaps all the gems will have some additional guilt, knowing that their old tech is what pushed humanity so far so fast.

Fast forward 70 years and Rose meets a travelling wastelander named Greg. They fall in love. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here mostly because I haven’t really thought too much about it, but partly because I know I want it to be explored within the story itself to show how different from canon it would be. Not just the flashback elements from “Story for Steven,” and "We Need to Talk," with a Fallout flair. I want to work out some other nice adventures to bring them together.

Rose and Greg come back to Beach City with Rose expecting their baby.

Steven is born and the Gems immediately take custody, with the logic that their secure base is a better place for Steven to grow up than the harsh wasteland. Greg is allowed to visit as often as he likes, but not stay there. Nor is Steven allowed off the base. They want to protect the legacy of their leader, Rose.

I’m going to say that Steven starts showing hints of Gem powers around 10 years old. Nothing he can control. Perhaps his Gem glows when he’s really happy, if he falls down some steps his bubble forms but immediately pops so it’s just enough to save him from injury. Little things like that.

But this serves as a point where The Gems start “encouraging” Greg to visit less and leave the raising of Steven to them, as his upbringing has now become “Gem Business”

Steven may have snuck off the base once or twice to see the world beyond the base, but after this he’ll do it a lot more often to see his dad and the Beach City settlement.

I think Bismuth suspects he sneaks off but both can’t prove it, and doesn’t want to try and prove it, Garnet knows but says nothing, both of them are letting Steven have his fun, and Pearl has no idea he does it.

Amethyst is not part of the group in the beginning, she’s out as part of a raider gang somewhere. Thank you to theyarheeguy for giving me that idea, and many others, to work with.

A total of 84 years after the bombs dropped, Steven is now 12 years old, sneaking off the base for another visit to town, when he spots a pretty young girl dressed in a strange blue jumpsuit, emerging from a hidden trapdoor that was underneath the old Beach City water-tower.

Steven is 12 because I believe that’s how old he was when the show started. Based on the timeline, the passing of the seasons and so on, he has to have a 13th birthday that we don’t see on screen, before we do see his 14th birthday.

[sleepysnk]

i decided to write a little something for our boy Colt 🥺! his tag barely has any fics, so i figured i would try and feed it for you all! i hope you guys enjoy! ♡ this wasn't my best smut but i tried so 😐

First Time

Pairings: Colt Grice x Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, virgin!reader

The night had been going well for Colt and his girlfriend (Y/N). The two had finally got some time to go out for their one year anniversary, which was a few days prior, but with their work schedules being so busy, they didn't have a lot of time to go out and have a night with each other.

Colt took her to a fancy restaurant, he never failed to plan amazing dates for the two of them. It's something (Y/N) always admired about him, he was such a romantic at heart, and one of the many reasons she fell in love with him.

They were currently on their way home from the restaurant, it was pretty late, around 10:30 to be exact. The food was absolutely perfect, and they had zero complaints.

"I feel stuffed," (Y/N) said, rubbing her belly which felt full. "I swear I'm going to pop," she said, laughing a bit.

Colt put his hand on hers. "I feel the same way, that pasta really filled me up fast." he replied, sending a smile her way.

(Y/N) looked out the window as they passed different cars and street lights, she wanted to get home and just relax with him. That was the usual after their dates.

Within a few minutes the two arrived back home. (Y/N) rushed up the stairs to take off her dress, she just wanted to be comfortable. She grabbed some shorts and one of Colt's shirts, he didn't necessarily mind anyway. She was always stealing his clothes.

She walked out of the bathroom and saw Colt laying on the bed already. He was changed and scrolling through Netflix.

"What should we settle for tonight? Another horror movie?" he asked, raising a brow.

She walked over to the other side of the bed, climbing next to him. "Yeah I'm fine with that," she replied, laying her head on his chest.

Colt ran his hand around her waist, bringing her closer to his body. His warmth radiated onto her skin, making her smile and snuggle into his chest. She draped her leg over his waist, making herself a bit more comfortable.

The movie started and it was a bit silent between the two. Until a jump scare came across the screen, causing (Y/N) to jump.

"I saw that," Colt said, starting to chuckle a bit at her actions. "Someone is a scaredy cat huh?" he teased, looking down at her.

(Y/N) looked up, rolling her eyes playfully. "Shut up! I heard your damn heart racing," she replied, flicking the side of his head.

He rolled his eyes playfully, cupping her cheek and leaning in to kiss her. The kiss felt passionate, it made her feel weak. She deepened the kiss, Colt swiping his tongue over her bottom lip, asking for permission to explore her mouth.

He pulled her on top of him so she was straddling him. His hands ran along her hips, slightly squeezing and rubbing small circles on the sides.

"Mm.. Colt," she moaned, feeling his hands explore her body.

Colt looked into her eyes, smiling as he took in her beauty. "You're so beautiful baby," he said, using his thumb to brush against her cheek.

She smiled, feeling her heart swell from his words. "Colt um... I think I'm ready," she said, looking up at him.

His eyes went wide hearing those words come from her mouth, he never pushed sex onto her before. (Y/N) was a virgin and he didn't want to push it too much, especially if he could loose her for it. He was patient with her, all she had to do was say the word and he wouldn't have a problem doing it.

"Are you sure my love? There's no force," Colt asked, cupping her cheek.

(Y/N) nodded. "Yes I'm sure, just be gentle." she replied, giving a small smile.

Colt moved her body so she was now laying beneath him, his fingers ran along her sides feeling every inch of her skin. He kissed her lips, putting his hand on her cheek and his other hand in hers.

"If I hurt you just tell me to stop, okay?" he said, looking into her hues.

She nodded her head and watched as he began to kiss down her jaw to her neck. He nipped softly at the skin on her neck, leaving small marks. He began to suck on her weak spot, earning a moan from her mouth. Colt smirked against her skin using his free hand to play with her breast, using his index and middle finger to circle her nipple.

"Colt.." she cried, moving her hips upward towards his.

He sat up, looking down at her. "Take your shirt off for me baby," he said, tugging at the material around her.

She sat up taking the t-shirt off of her. Her breasts fully exposed, causing her to cover up a bit feeling embarrassed.

Colt smiled at her shyness. "No it's okay.. don't cover up, you're beautiful." he said, moving her arm away from her breasts. "Lay back down, okay?" he added, smiling at her a bit.

(Y/N) nodded, laying back down as she watched Colt leave wet kisses along her chest. Her nipples hard from the cooler air, along with his kisses. He used his hands to circle them, playing with her buds. She felt heat pooling between her legs feeling his warm hands around her body, she began to become eager for more.

Colt kissed down to her belly, then to her lower abdomen. He stopped once he got to the end where her shorts were.

"May I?" he asked, looking up at her.

She nodded in approval, feeling Colt hook his fingers around the hem of her shorts, pulling them off and tossing them to another part of the room. He stared at her clothed clit, which had a wet spot from her arousal. This earned a chuckle from him.

"You're so wet.." Colt said, brushing one of his fingers over it.

This send a jolt of pleasure through her, she moved her hips up towards him. "Colt.. that feels good," she said, looking down at her boyfriend.

He smirked crawling up towards her. "I can make you feel even more good princess," he said, leaning down to kiss her.

She put her arms around his neck and pulled him down towards her, Colt used his hand to rub small circles on her clit. He felt the wetness through her panties. (Y/N) slightly moaned feeling his fingers play with her, she felt his print against her stomach which made the bubble in her stomach hotter.

Colt broke the kiss and crawled down in between her legs. "If you want me to stop, you can." he said, removing her underwear.

She nodded. "Okay.." she replied, opening her legs a bit wider.

He stared down at her dripping pussy which was slick with arousal, he smirked at the sight. It was all about her pleasure for tonight, he wanted to make sure she remembered this forever.

"You're pussy is so pretty," he said, smiling up at her.

Colt used his fingers to rub circles on her sensitive bead, she moved her hips a bit in anticipation.

"Colt.." she moaned in pleasure, feeling his fingers quicken.

He leaned down and used his tongue to drag along her folds, a loud moan escaped her lips feeling his tongue exploring her. He savored the flavor of her arousal, wrapping his arms around her thighs.

"Baby! Fuck... like that," (Y/N) cried, throwing her head back as she dug her fingers into his scalp.

Colt felt his dick twitching with every sound she made, he wanted to fuck her already, but he ignored that thought. He wanted to get her ready so it's less painful.

He used one of his fingers to enter her slowly, she hissed a bit. "I'm sorry baby, did I hurt you?" he asked, looking up at her.

She looked down at him, running her fingers through his hair. "A little, but it's okay baby don't worry," she replied, laying back down on her back.

He slowly began to pump into her, her walls tightly surrounded his finger. Moans and cries came from (Y/N)'s mouth as Colt began to quicken his pace a bit, he curled his finger to hit that spot inside of her which made her see stars in her vision.

"Colt! Ah-! Right there!" she cried, feeling her stomach heating up from the pleasure.

He smirked, watching her become undone on his finger. "You take my fingers so well baby. You're such a good girl," he said, adding another finger into her core.

(Y/N) felt the knot in her stomach forming. "C-Colt! I'm going to.." before she could finish her sentence, her orgasm took over her body. Her body shaking and her eyes going white from the pleasure.

Colt removed his fingers with her arousal all over them. "Good girl baby," he said, licking the cum from his fingers. "Here comes the good part," he added, taking his shorts off.

She felt goosebumps litter onto her skin watching as Colt tossed his shorts off. His cock sprang out, hard and prominent with need. He climbed onto the bed, hovering over (Y/N). His eyes were blown with lust and desire.

"I'm going to enter you, okay? Come here," he said, intertwining his hands with hers. "It might hurt for a bit, try to relax." he added, kissing her cheeks.

Nervousness bubbled inside of her as Colt positioned the head of his cock at her entrance, she gripped his hand tightly as she felt his cock enter her slowly.

A groan erupted from Colt's throat feeling her tight walls squeeze his cock, her pussy felt so warm and wet. (Y/N) cried in pain and pleasure feeling his cock enter her, she squeezed his hand feeling her pussy stretch.

"Shh.. it's okay baby, you're doing so well." Colt said, kissing her cheek and giving her a smile.

For a few moments she lied there trying to adjust to his size. Suddenly, the feeling of pain turned into pleasure, his cock poking around her walls and hitting that spot that made her see stars.

"C-Colt.." she moaned, looking up at him.

He took that as a sign to start moving, he began to slowly thrust into her. He was scared he was going to break her, she felt so fragile underneath him.

His thrusts were slow and steady. He didn't want to go too rough on her. "Fuck... baby you're so tight," he groaned, leaning down to kiss her lips.

(Y/N) cried out in pleasure feeling him thrust into her. "Just like that.." she moaned, putting her arms around his neck.

Her body seemed to react on its own, her hips moved upwards to feel more of his cock inside of her. His cock poked at her g-spot which every now and then sent a loud gasp to slip from her mouth.

"(Y/N).. you take me so well, you're doing great princess." he groaned, quickening his pace a bit.

Colt leaned down towards her and kissed her slowly as he thrusted into her. He felt her walls beginning to feel a bit tighter around him, she was close and he wanted to make her feel good.

He used his thumb to play with her clit, sending waves of pleasure throughout her body.

"Colt! Oh fuck! Ah-! I think I'm gonna.." she trailed off as her orgasm took over her body, her legs shook a bit and sparks of pleasure danced across her belly.

He felt her walls tighten around him, his thrusts were getting a bit sloppy as his own orgasm was slowly approaching.

"Fuck.. I'm gonna cum, you're such a good girl I love you so so much," he said in between breaths.

He intertwined his fingers with hers as he orgasm took over his body, a loud groan erupted from his throat as his cum filled inside of her.

"I love you so much," Colt said, kissing her cheek.

She felt her heart swell at his words. "I love you too," she said, smiling at him.

Colt lied down next to her taking some deep breaths. "Come, let's take a shower baby. I gotta clean you up," he said, sitting up in bed.

(Y/N) giggled and stood up following him to the bathroom.

[alittlebitofinsanitea]

Head-Cannons for Jealous Kageyama, Suga, Iwaizumi, & Bokuto

request: hi! May I request hc's of iwazumi, bokuto, mattsun, suga, and kageyama on how they act when they're jealous? I couldn't find a character limit in your rules so feel free to do however many you like :) Have a good one lovely human <3

✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰

Hi honey! So I didn’t write it but I'm going to be doing four per head-cannon! thank you for requesting! <3 These are gender neutral/no pronouns so I hope that’s ok, hope you enjoy! Also to everyone, requests are open!

✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰

~Kageyama~

✰ you’ve been in class all day and finally the bell rings and its lunch

✰ you and a friend are sitting, talking about homework, eating, as one does during lunch. You normally sit with him because kags always plays volleyball during break, surprised? no.

✰ all sweet Kags wanted to do this lunch was to sit with his baby!!!

✰ he sees you sitting real close to this other guy, and what does his awkward ass do? FUCKING STARES AT YOU, clown to clown communication going on right here

✰ anyone coming into the cafeteria just sees him blocking the path with the smoke whirling around his head

✰ you finally turn around after feeling two burning holes in the back of your head and see him glancing between you and your friend

✰ dummy realizes you noticed him and turns bright red in embarrassment after noticing he has been staring at you for at least half the lunch period and he sprints

✰ this man ZOOOOOMS out of that room

✰ you, being the caring s/o you are, run after him to the best of your abilities, all the way to the vending machine

✰ by the time you get there, he’s already sipping on two milks, pouting, and bright red, poor thing

✰ you make eye contact with him as you sit down, him turning away to face a wall instead

✰ you poke his stomach and sides to get his attention, fully aware of how ticklish he is there

✰ “Y/N PLEASE!” he grits out in between fits of laughter

✰  “Why did you run out then?” you say as you cease your attack, snaking your arms around his waist

✰ his body relaxes into yours and returns the hug, he buries his face into the top of your head as he mumbles

✰ “I know you know I can't hear you,” 

✰ he grunts back in response and mumbles again, just loud enough that you can hear that one, specific, word

✰ “YOU WERE JEALOUS!!!!!!” you scream so loud he jumps back a little

✰ he burrows his head into your neck in an attempt to hide from you, not the best play he could have made, but there was an attempt, he tried

✰ you move one hand to pat his head and the other stays on his back, “Kags, I don’t know why you would be jealous, I’m just friends with (Friends/N), I don’t like him like that, ok?”

✰ he straightens up and looks at you dead in the eyes, to anyone else he looks normal, but there's a little smile on his face that looks a little less creepier than usual

✰ he grabs you tight and you can hear the bell in the background, but you both ignore it and stay like that for a little longer

~Suga~

✰ everyone pretends that this man is the chillest, sweetest, calmest character in this show

✰ hell no

✰ he has as much crackhead energy radiating through his body as is possible without being a crackhead

✰ the two of you are at one of karasuno's practice matches against nekoma, and they have been trying that play with nishinoya as setter, and a few other ideas the coach came up with

✰ during a break between on of the games (which to your displeasure, have gone on forever, but you love seeing Suga play so you don't really mind) you decide to pull out your chemistry homework

✰ “why, and who made chemistry,” you say to yourself “I just want to have a little talk.”

✰ “Well I wouldn’t say a specific person invented it, but Robert Boyle is considered the first modern chemist,” you look to your left and see a tall nekoma player with bed hair

✰ you arch a brow, and get back to ‘working’, if you could call it that

✰ he sits next to you and offers a smirk and says, “Im Kuroo Tetsuro, if you want I can help with your homework if you want,”

✰ your nose scrunches up and you turn away from him

✰ “Don’t be sodium chloride,” he says as he scoots a little closer, but as he does that, you can feel the other side of you warm a little

✰ in the corner of your eye before you look to see what sat next to you, you see Suga, his eyes glaring straight at the rooster boy

✰ he drapes his arms on your shoulders and sets his head on yours and looks directly as kuroo, cold as ice, he tells him “She is fine, I can help her,” 

✰ the smile on his face does nothing to hide the fact that he’s not messing around 

✰ you pull him off of you to face him, giving him a little shove before telling him off,

✰ “I had it covered, it’s not like I was going to say yes, even though I probably need the help…”

✰ he raises his eyebrows at you, “I can help you, no problem!” he says sweetly, as if you both aren’t getting the same grades

✰ the next game is starting, signaled by the freak already on the court in their positions and the whistle blowing you give Suga a kiss on the cheek and tell him to go

✰ he smirks at you, and from then on in the match, whenever he spiked a ball, set a good toss, or dug anything, he looked to kuroo and directly pointed to where you sat

~Hajime Iwaizumi, (27), Athletic trainer~

✰ I don't even know what to do for this dude, no wait haha jk

✰ Iwaizumi, Oikawa, and you have been best friends for forever

✰ you guys are so close, sleepovers since you were little, you even made them an entire meal and movie night on the day they lost, lots of wet tissues and tear soaked blankets

✰ when you and Iwaizumi finally got together after year of pining after each other, nobody was more excited than Oikawa, nobody 

✰ now, you three are having a sleepover to celebrate being done with midterms and you made a big pillow fort to watch your favorite movie in, with popcorn and chocolate and all of that

 ✰ it's dark except for the light from computer screen, you can barely make out the faces to your right and left, and it's so late, you forgot who was on which side

✰ it's hard for you to fall asleep without Iwa anymore, so you grab the arm to your left and lift it up and snuggle into the warmth of who you thought was your boyfriend

✰ because you all are so close, Oikawa didn’t think twice about wrapping his arms around you, forgetting that Iwa was even there

✰ your boyfriend started to get red in the face, “Oikawa,” he warned, trying to make his best friend back off without making a scene

✰ Oikawa looks to him confused, “Chill out Iwa-chan! I know it's not godzilla but it's not that bad”

✰ Iwaizumi would have left it at that, but when you turned around and hooked your leg onto your current human pillow? Ohohoho, its over

✰ he grabs your waist and throws you over his shoulder, wrecking the little tent you made and leaving the third wheel of the trio in the rubble

✰ you cry out in protest, upset that your hours of work are now suffocating your other best friend

✰ you feel every step and he takes as he walks you both towards your room the air is tense, and you don’t know what to do

✰ you enter your bedroom, still being carried by him, and he drops you on the bed, and falls on top of you, letting out a noise of comfort as you squirm

✰ “Hajime please get of you’re squishing meee!” you wheeze out the last part

✰ he doesn’t verbally acknowledge you but he adjusts himself so you both are comfortable

✰ “Is this ok?” he asks quietly

✰ “yeah,” you reply, “It is.” 

✰ Neither of you seem to notice oikawa taking photos, and the next day, oikawa shows iwa, but not without a volleyball to the head 

✰ neither you nor oikawa know that's his screen on his phone

~Bokuto~

✰ When does this boy not get jealous, not because of you no! He trusts you with anything and everything, and he loves showing you off

✰ that is until all the attention goes to you and he thinks everyone is going to take you away, especially when he goes emo mode, he’s about ready to give you up to anyone :( but you never go obviously

✰ akaashi managed to convince you to become manager, he said that it would come in handy when he started to become self destructive

✰ and it worked! You were able to save a lot of games and akaashi’s mental health, for a while that is

✰ today was the first day of spring high finals, teams everywhere, balls flying, and Bokuto was anxious, and it was showing

✰ as the team walks to the court, you grab Bokuto's hand and you grab it tight letting him know you are there for him

✰ he began to feel less tense and calmed down once again 

✰ the game started and it was going smoothly, the other team wasn't able to shut down any Fukurōdani’s attacks

✰ that is until, the other team's captain started flirting with you

✰ whenever he makes a point, he would say some gross ass pick up line, or wink at you, and even worse, he would make sure to meet eyes with Bokuto, every, single, time

✰ Bokuto’s shots have gotten worse, he's hitting into the blockers, the net, and even missing the ball completely

✰ it physically hurts you when this happens to your boyfriend, and at this point you are sick of it, and have started to grow annoyed at the creepily corny capitan 

✰ you whisper to the coach to call Bokuto in who is currently hanging onto akaashi, asking him not to set to him anymore

✰ the coach calls a time out, and signals the rest of the team to stay on the court, Bokuto doesn’t even notice the rest of his teammates standing still around him

✰ when he reaches the bench you grab him by the shoulders and look him in the eyes and say “Baby, kick his ass.”

✰ you move your head to face the other captain and smile, then you grab Bokuto's face and kiss him, hard

✰ the time out ends and your team is flushed with embarrassment, but Bokuto was hyped up jumping all over the court, and ready to destroy the other team

✰ (they won the rest of the set no points lost)

[shih-coulda-had-it]

casualty report

my entry for @queenangst‘s bnha gen contest! Link to AO3, but also contained below the Keep Reading.

WC: 2,454

Summary: Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. Yet whenever Toshinori sits in one with Gran Torino, it seems that Toshinori is always clawing at his own heart. Spoilers up to C305.

//

The air is cold, sterile, and silent, save for the low hum of machinery and intermittent beeping of the heart monitor.

Yagi Toshinori enters Gran Torino’s assigned room in a similarly muted fashion, sliding the door open and shut with barely a click. He finds the chair where he left it; the old man hasn’t gotten any visitors besides him and the nurses. Like Midoriya, Torino teeters on the knife edge of survival, and like Midoriya’s classmates, Torino’s colleagues are swamped with work.

Toshinori has the privilege to visit them both. So he splits his time between his teacher-mentor-father and his student-successor-son and waits. They are similarly stubborn about clinging to life; Toshinori is confident they will wake.

Whether they will be happy about it…

As he sits, Gran Torino’s eyes crack open. His already labored breathing stutters, resulting in a full-body twitch that eventually culminates in a pained groan.

“Take it slow,” Toshinori advises.

“Stupid lesson from a stupid teacher,” Torino snaps. Toshinori looks away to focus on the bright yellow fabric bundled on top of a cabinet, neither laundered nor repaired. He’ll have to do it later. 

The silence between them is tense. Surprisingly, it’s Torino who breaks it.

“Izuku?”

“Coma,” Toshinori says, fingers curling into fists. Before Torino can curse, Toshinori adds, “I think he’s talking to the predecessors of One for All.”

“Not something you could do,” the old man comments. He’s peering down at his injuries with a detached fascination: the maimed leg, the thick compress hiding beneath his bandages. Toshinori is uncomfortably reminded of his own injury, and of his own convalescence. He had recovered quickly, and privately, though he suspects that One for All had assisted with the process.

However lucky Torino is to have survived, Toshinori thinks the aftermath will be so much messier.

“It’s not,” he agrees.

“How can you tell?”

“A feeling,” says Toshinori. He forges on despite Gran Torino’s disbelieving eyebrows. “I think oshishou had a point, about the predecessors’ spirits living on in One for All. I’m not able to channel One for All anymore, but I think I still have some connection to the Quirk.”

“Ghosts in the machine,” says Torino dryly. He studies Toshinori. “Oh. You’re not joking.”

“I wouldn’t joke about this.”

Honestly, Toshinori had thought Torino would be ecstatic (as ecstatic as the old man ever got, as he swung between smugness, serenity, and seething fury) at the possibility of reconnecting with Shimura Nana. He had also quailed at the thought of telling Gran Torino that Toshinori’s own connection seemed to be a one-way thing.

And Toshinori doesn’t know how to tell Torino that he feels betrayed, in a way.

When he was researching the previous users of One for All, an alien-like urgency had pushed him past investigating to obsessing. As though a whisper had filtered through his head and said: what else, what more, why now?

Shinomori’s case. The hypothesis that Toshinori’s Quirkless heritage had protected him from the pitfalls of a stockpile Quirk.

The harsh intake of multiple people breathing in at once, even though Toshinori had been alone, with only stacks of heavily-redacted reports to keep him company. All of Toshinori’s devotion, and it had earned him nothing but sleepless nights and silent vigils.

Torino sighs then, heavy with resignation. And just like that, he moves on. “Shigaraki?”

“Escaped,” Toshinori reluctantly says. He doesn’t want to talk about the current situation of society and its failure to stabilize in the wake of so many terrible revelations and events. He really doesn’t want to talk about Tartarus. Except, it will be impossible to keep Torino in the dark about it forever. “Don’t have a heart attack on me, but—All for One’s back on the field.”

One heartbeat. Then two.

Something like forty years ago, Gran Torino and Toshinori had sat in a hospital room, numbed to the core by the very real confrontation and consequence of baiting All for One into the light. The superficial injuries belied the grief suffusing Toshinori’s body, and although he hadn’t recognized it at the time, the terror in Torino’s.

White-faced, Gran Torino had told Toshinori that they could not afford to stop moving.

Sleep. Wake up. Go to school. Your internship hours are going to be spent sparring with me.

For the rest of the year?

Until I’m goddamn satisfied.

It was a miracle they had survived the first week without killing each other. In retrospect, Toshinori could see the value in Torino’s decision to forgo the mourning period. Toshinori had still ended up sobbing on the ground, confessing to his father what he could not to his mother.

And of course, without dwelling on Toshinori’s admission, Gran Torino moved on to the next point of business.

“Cockroach,” Torino says through gritted teeth. The heart monitor stays impressively calm. “Third time’s the charm, then?”

“Torino-sensei, the third time was Kamino Ward. It’s safe to say the odds are against us.”

Toshinori’s bleak assessment earns him a narrowed glare, and it’s a sign of how exhausted and bitter Toshinori feels that he is unfazed. He can afford to be scared of Torino when Torino is walking of his own volition, cursing up a storm about the fact that he can no longer eat a whole box of microwaved taiyaki.

“Casualties?”

“Multiple civilians,” says Toshinori. “Multiple pro-heroes. None of the students, thank goodness.”

Torino stares at him. “There were no students at the hospital.”

“Many were… encouraged to participate in the mansion raid.” It still leaves a sour taste in his mouth. Terrible, yes, to see Eraserhead bandaged up yet again due to Toshinori’s failures, but it was even worse to see his students file back into U.A.’s dorms, eyes shadowed with something more than grief. Midnight’s death haunts them still.

The old man breathes.

“What else?”

“A loss of trust,” Toshinori says, leaning his elbows on his knees, fingers pressed together like a prayer. “Civilians want to protect themselves, and the remaining pro-heroes of Japan are stretched thin. Some died, and many are retiring.” He offers Torino a mirthless smile. “Yoroi Musha is out.”

“Twenty years too late,” Torino responds.

“You never liked him.”

“Gimmicky cowards with a chip on their shoulder shouldn’t be in this line of work.”

Well. Either Toshinori takes that as a personal insult, an unintentional dig, or Gran Torino’s acerbic sense of humor. He goes quiet anyway. Now is a good time as any for a lull in conversation to occur, but Toshinori doesn’t get long to contemplate his next move. 

“What’s eating you up,” Torino demands flatly.

“Nothing.”

“Pull my other leg.”

“It’s nothing,” Toshinori stresses. “And if there was something, I wouldn’t want to talk about it.”

“Toshinori. When you bottle up your specific brand of guilt, it has a tendency to backfire on you spectacularly,” says Torino. “I’m not walking away for a long time, so get it off your chest right now while I’m wired to half a dozen machines.”

Toshinori interlocks his fingers.

“Toshinori.”

“The Public Safety Commission has been disbanded,” he tries. “Their headquarters were attacked the same time the raids occurred.”

“Unsurprising,” says Torino. 

“I don’t think anyone could have anticipated a direct attack, Torino-sensei.”

“I’m not talking about the Commission. I’m talking about you. Deflecting.” 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. Yet whenever Toshinori sits in one with Gran Torino, it seems that Toshinori is always clawing at his own heart.

“Do I disappoint you?” Toshinori asks, resigned to hearing an answer he already knows, staring hard at his hands. He’s pushing the wrong side of his fifties, less grizzled and more gaunt, more of a beanpole and less of a pillar. It’s impossible to remember all the things he did right when all Toshinori can see is where he went wrong.

And even though Gran Torino looks so fragile, tiny and bedridden, bandaged and hooked up to more machines than Toshinori can count on one hand—he still has the strength to look ahead.

Toshinori didn’t learn that. He had thought he did, those six years ago when he survived the fight with All for One, because in spite of the grievous injury, All Might had forged on.

“You can be honest,” Toshinori says. “Just like in U.A.”

“We’re a long way from that time,” says Gran Torino. His expectant and unimpressed expression hasn’t changed.

“It was a yes or no question, Torino-sensei.”

“No, then.”

He says it so simply. Toshinori blinks. Torino tips his head to the side, watching with half-lidded eyes how Toshinori processes his answer. Except Toshinori cannot fathom when this change of perception happened, because just as recently as Kamino Ward, Toshinori had still been reduced to sitting on his ass, listening to Gran Torino’s instructions.

“You’ve done more than anyone should have asked of you,” Torino says. “And you did it well.”

“I overlooked so many problems,” Toshinori protests. “So many people didn’t feel safe.”

“Brat,” says Gran Torino fondly.

“Torino-sensei.”

“There’s something more than that. You’ve been dealing with that insecurity for decades, and you know as well as I do that even a Symbol of Peace can’t catch everything. What’s going on?” Torino is ruthless when he wants to make a point; Toshinori circles back to his original impulsive question and thinks—

“Midoriya-shonen,” says Toshinori in a soft voice. “He’s talking to the predecessors.”

“So you said.”

“And I couldn’t. I can’t, even now, even though I’m connected to One for All still.” From there, the words come spilling out. “Oshishou told me from the beginning that One for All had some kind of spiritual essence. She might not have said outright about the voices, but she hinted at it. That we could meet again, somehow. And all those years… forty years, Torino-sensei, and—and nothing. Not a word, not a vision.”

Midoriya’s crybaby genes must have bounced over the connection, because horrifically, Toshinori can feel his face contort and his eyes water. He hasn’t cried in front of Gran Torino in decades.

“Like I wasn’t worthy,” Toshinori concludes, choking on the last word.

Here is what Toshinori learned on his own, independent of Gran Torino’s teachings: don’t cry. Smile through the fear and the pain, and don’t cry.

Conveniently, Toshinori has forgotten that all those decades ago, Gran Torino never censured him for his tears. So it is now, that Toshinori feels the unfamiliar prickle and the cooling trails sliding down his face, and Gran Torino says nothing.

Until he does.

“You’re everything Shimura stopped hoping for. Did you know that?” Toshinori jerks his head up from its bowed position; he can hear oshishou saying in her wry tone, typical Torino. Can’t make eye contact when communicating an emotion. “I saw her through almost every big milestone in her life. Her pro-hero license, her marriage, her pregnancy. The loss of her husband, and then her son.”

“You didn’t try and stop her.”

“She knew best.” Torino’s grin is painful. “I believed that then, and I believe it now. Kotarou survived longer than he would’ve if he stayed in her custody, which was ultimately her goal. So Shimura was right on that, never mind what Kotarou did with his life after. And you… I told you already.”

“You know me,” Toshinori jokes. He recalls his rusty impression of Torino’s lecturing tone, perfected during those golden hours of patrol with oshishou. “‘It takes twice as long for me to tell you something, versus me beating the lesson into you once.’”

“Then listen,” says Torino. “When Shimura met you, she was still hurting from giving up Kotarou. She couldn’t stop being a hero, but she didn’t want to stop being a mother. And every day, the news cycle spoke of a crime wave, fueled by something bigger than the injustices of the world.

“I was enough to keep her from drowning in work. It wasn’t until she met you that she started smiling again. That she had a son again.”

Toshinori scrubs his eyes. “Really could’ve used this talk forty years ago,” he manages.

“I wasn’t this emotionally intelligent forty years ago.”

“If Hound Dog ever managed to sit us down for therapy, he’d diagnose us both as emotionally-stunted,” he tells Torino. “You probably perpetuated a family cycle, Torino-sensei.”

“One of us cries, and it isn’t me,” Torino shoots back waspishly.

“It’s Midoriya-shonen,” Toshinori agrees.

Torino’s laugh comes out as a wheeze, and Toshinori winces in sympathy. The exhaustion that comes out of crying begins to settle in; he hasn’t allowed himself to cry for a while. Not in front of the students, and not in front of his colleagues. Gran Torino is situated in that blurred zone of family and teacher and co-worker.

Gran Torino is tiring as well. The conversation’s taken a lot out of him, and it surely doesn’t help that he was treated to a hint of Toshinori’s resurfacing insecurities.

“You asked if you disappointed me,” the old man says quietly, hoarsely. “Didn’t I disappoint you?”

His throat sticks.

Torino smiles, wry. “I know,” he says.

“Torino-sensei,” Toshinori attempts, horrified at his slip. He should fix this. He has to make sure Gran Torino knows that the past is past, and that his efforts haven’t been wasted on an ungrateful child. As Toshinori opens his mouth to reassure Torino, an urgent flicker of something calls out to him.

His head jerks to the door. Outside, down the hallway, in another room—

“He’s waking?”

Toshinori looks back to Torino, distractedly saying, “Yes,” before he freezes. Gran Torino has propped himself up halfway, teeth gritted with the effort it takes. He has reached out and clumsily pressed his hand against Toshinori’s forehead, fingers dipping into his hair.

It feels like a benediction.

“I am,” Torino forces out, “so proud of you. I could not be prouder. You were worth it, do you hear me, Toshinori? You are, still.”

The moment doesn’t last forever. Whatever burst of adrenaline fuels Torino, it dwindles with emotional vulnerability. He pats the top of Toshinori’s head and slumps back into his pillow, looking gray with exhaustion.

For his part, Toshinori stares, wide-eyed, like he’s fourteen years old again, meeting Gran Torino for the first time.

“Go,” says Torino. “Izuku shouldn’t wake up alone. He should have his family with him.”

There is a weak grin pulling at Torino’s mouth, familiar in its toothiness. Toshinori gets to his feet. He’s unable to return the smile, because he is suddenly terrified that if he leaves this room, Torino will somehow find a way to escape the hospital, hole up in his apartment, and—and—

“He’ll need you too,” says Toshinori. “Get better soon, tou—Torino-sensei.”

Gran Torino closes his eyes, and Yagi Toshinori moves on.

[zeppelin-and-unicorns]

Fanfic recommendations part six: 100% Alternate Universe stories.

Hey! It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry, got too caught up with, well, you know, life (ew). But I’m back!

All the stories listed in this are stories are 100% AU (yes, I’m including the Soulmate AU’s in this category). I’ve read and enjoyed them all.

Accidentally In Love by the bohemian flow.

Rachel Hyde was a witness to a strange romance that blossomed between her twin brother, Steven, and Jackie Burkhart, of all people. Her and Steven weren't the biggest fans of Jackie, but now, he loves her. How could Rachel possibly put up with her brother's girlfriend?

AU where Hyde has a sister. Not 100% focused on J/H, since it’s from Hyde’s sister POV, but it’s still pretty good.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated constantly.

109k words, 28 chapters so far.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, OC/Kelso, OC/Eric, Eric/Donna.

A Different Start Could Lead to a Better End by SoftBubbles

Instead of Hyde meeting her as Kelso's annoying girlfriend, what if he met her as his annoying English partner, whom he quickly learns is more than she seems.

This story is not complete, it was last updated on July of 2020, and I pray for the author to come back to it one day, it’s a really good story.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

13k words, 14 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bad Moon on the Rise by Badfanfic

Set around season 2. Jackie starts to develop feelings for Hyde, even though its the last thing she wants. Hyde is just trying to survive but is having difficulty controlling himself, especially around a certain cheerleader.

Hyde is a werewolf in this story. And THIS IS GOOD Y’ALL, I’ve read this like 10 times already.

Unfortunally, I think this story is abandoned, the last time the author updated was in June of 2020, but I still have hope, it’s really good and I’m DYING to read more. I absolutely adore stories with supernatural elements, and it’s so hard to find good ones in this fandom. Please read this.

13k words, 9 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Focus by Jenny7

After a metaphysical awakening, Hyde develops the ability to telepathically connect with a single stranger. What he doesn't expect is that the girl that he shares the connection with, a rich cheerleader with a complicated past, will forever alter his views on life and love.

SO GOOD. It’s complete and it has a sequel (that’s not complete but still worth the read), called Darlin, Walk Awhile With Me.

2k words, 19 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde.

History Rewritten by kezztip

What if Hyde got his Season 1 wish and stole Donna away from Eric? And then what if Eric had turned to a certain tiny cheerleader instead?

This story is complete, and if you have a soft spot for Eric/Jackie, than you might like this a lot.

81k words, 25 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Jackie/Eric, Hyde/Donna, Eric/Donna.

(I absolutely hate the Hyde and Donna pairing but it’s temporary so it’s okay).

Playing Pretend by isnotme

Caught up in her teenager concerns – and some wounds to heal, Jackie didn’t realize that her parents' marriage was crashing down for real, causing a major turnaround in her world.

.

In the edge of seventeen, Hyde had too much on his mind. With graduation coming so soon, he knew too well he was about to be kicked out of the Forman's home. But when Bud’s illegal activities came to knock on his door, Hyde saw his plans falling apart once again.

Or

An AU where Jackie and Hyde get themselves in one of those fake relationship situation and somewhere along the way, they find somethings in commun. Highly inspired in every cliché Rom Com ever made, including Netflix's most recents TATBILB and Isi and Ossi.

This story is a WIP and it’s being updated often.

33k words, 13 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Pretty in Wisconsin by BelleBae

Jackie Burkhart has a lot to deal with. Her dad is in prison, her mum can't get it together and one of her best friends is in love with her. Will she be able to sort everything out by Prom? Inspired by Pretty In Pink.

Cute and complete.

20k words, 23 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Rock You Like a Hurricane by zeppelinandunicorns (yours truly)

Alternative universe where Donna met Jackie before meeting Eric and the rest of basement gang.

Jackie and Donna are 16 and 17 when they finally met the four basement misfits after a Fleetwood Mac concert.

This story is a WIP, and I do not plan on abandoning it, I love it too much to do that.

77k words, 15 chapters so far.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, background Red/Kitty and eventual Fez/Laurie and Kelso/Brooke.

Also Available on AO3

She Belongs to me series by QueenBookBuff

A universe where Kelso cared a lot more about Jackie and Hyde getting together and implications of a deeper background for both Jackie and Hyde and Kelso and Jackie.

This got me hooked, it’s really good, please read it.

It’s complete and there are sequels! They are called All Our Tomorrows

and The Scarlet and SJ Chronicles.

27k words, 7 works in total.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Summer Music Series by Wickedfetch

What if Hyde and Jackie didn't meet until 1985?

Complete.

7k words, 3 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

That 70s show by Zenmaster21

What if Jackie had dated Hyde from the beginning instead of Kelso? This is simply a re-write of the episodes had Jackie and Hyde always been together.

One of my favorites stories from the entire fandom.

Not complete, but please read it, it’s worth it.

Trigger warning for child abuse.

152k words, 37 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna

The Fifth Forman by BlueZeppelin

What if it wasn't just Eric and Laurie? What if they had another sibling? Like...Jackie? What would happen with Hyde? Would Eric be happy with his sister dating his best friend? Would Red like his daughter to be with one of the basement dumbasses?

This story is complete!!

52k words, 18 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

The One Where Jackie Moves In by Floweerchild96

Jackie has been living in New-York with her family but after her father goes to jail and her mother abandons her, she is forced to return to a town she thought she was done with for good. How will Jackie's reemergence in the basement effect the gangs lives?

A really good story, but unfortunally, it’s not complete. Still worth the read.

103k words, 20 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna.

Wall Around Your Heart by ourinvisibleink

Jackie Burkhart-Forman was adopted at almost ten years old by Red and Kitty, after her parents flee the country for drug trafficking crimes. Laurie grapples with addiction, Eric is messed up because of Red’s verbal abuse, Steven’s arrival is brought on by Jackie, Kelso is neglected, Fez is victim to racism, and Jackie befriends Jason, the new kid who happens to be gay.

This story is really good, but it deals with some serious stuff. I still love it.

Complete and it has a sequel called Plastar and Mortar.

52k words, 26 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, Eric/Donna, Fez/Laurie, Red/Kitty.

One-shots:

A Little Less 70s, A Little More Modern AU by fairytalesandfolklore

A modern AU where the characters from That 70’s Show grew up in the 90’s x early 2000’s instead.

Cute as hell!!! Worth the read!

1k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

found a wife and a home (and a family that matters) by blackorchids

Hyde’s been part of the Forman family for years before they make him move in.

I placed this in the AU category because apparently Jackie and Hyde always dated, it doesn’t specify much.

1k words.

Rated G.

Pairings: background Jackie/Hyde and background Red/Kitty. This is not focused on the couples, but on Hyde’s relationship with the Forman’s.

Lady and The Tramp by soobeans

'See, I, myself, don't like you. I find you abrasive. But if I didn't know you, and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.'

In Point Place, Wisconsin, there are only three distinct areas. The Western area consists of the burnouts, thugs, outcasts, hopeless dreamers, poor people, and overall, tramps. The Eastern area holds the classy, rich, and more fortunate ladies and gentlemen. In between is where the two are forced to intermingle, but of course, they found a few ways to separate themselves.

8k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some minor background Eric/Donna moments.

That Disco Episode: Zenmasters Style by springsteenicious

What if Hyde had learned how to dance to impress Jackie instead of Donna? And what if Jackie hadn’t been dating Kelso?

That Disco Episode, rewritten for Jackie and Hyde.

2k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Bonus: Soulmate AU’S:

I am so in love with Soulmate AU’s that I’m currently writing one, I wanted to make a special post just for this category but it would be too small so I just included it in here. 

Finders Keepers by nannygirl

It's said that before you find your soulmate you will find one of their lost items first, so what happens when Hyde finds a gold bracelet in The Formans' backyard? Will it lead him to his soulmate, someone who he's sure probably doesn't even exist?

This story is not complete, but worth the read.

5k words, 2 chapters.

Rated K+.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, some background Red/Kitty

It Takes Time to Fall in Love by yabookreader96

Jackie can't wait to meet her soulmate, but a dire mistake on her part leads her to mistakenly identify him as Michael, while Hyde watches his soulmate clock hit zero and immediately knows that it's Jackie. Years pass, Jackie with Michael, Hyde saying nothing as he knowingly watches from the side. Will this dynamic be permanent or will destiny bring the true soulmates together?

This story is complete.

18k words, 12 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, temporary Jackie/Kelso.

Mistaken Messages by MistyMountainHop

Jackie longs for her soulmate to accept her, and Hyde hopes his will leave him alone because he's in love with someone else. A stack of mystical index cards lets them communicate with their as-yet unidentified soulmates. But the more their soulmates write, the less control Jackie and Hyde seem to have over their fate.

This story is complete.

23k words, 5 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde, background Eric/Donna

Also Available on AO3

Until We Get There by poetdameron

Running away from their own wedding is the craziest thing Hyde and Jackie have ever done together. But the tug he feels at his heart when realizing she doesn't want to marry him? The worst.

This story is complete.

39k words, 8 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

Voodooized by mc_1

Eric’s been noticing something weird going on between Jackie and Hyde. At a party one night, all of Eric’s suspicions are confirmed when the two become love-marked- an event that occurs when soulmates are ready to be together, resulting in a mark on the skin that bonds them together for life. The unlikely couple puzzle over how they could possibly be paired together as they struggle to understand each other.

This story is a WIP.

14k words, 4 chapters.

Rated M.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde. Eric/Donna

Where It Wasn’t Supposed To Be by moved-ao3

Jackie thinks it's a blessing, Hyde a curse. Set in an alternate universe where characters receive a list with their soulmate's worst qualities, Jackie and Hyde struggle to navigate their feelings for each other when everything else seems pitted against them.

Not complete, and it makes me want to cry, but it’s really good.

15k words, 5 chapters.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

One-shots:

all i need by orphan_account

"When he is six years old, the words 'Pudding Pop' appear on his wrist in the curliest, loopiest handwriting he's ever seen. There's even a little heart dotting the 'i'."

1k words.

The author didn’t rate this one, I would rate it as T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Blush by springsteenicious

On a person's eighteenth birthday, they swap bodies with their soulmate. Hyde doesn't have high hopes for his soulmate, but when he wakes up in a very pink room with posters and painted nails, his life is changed for the better.

4k words.

Rated T.

Pairings: Jackie/Hyde

Also Available on AO3

I believe this is all!

I’ll repeat this at the end of every single post (seriously, I literally copy and paste this every single time): Speaking as someone who writes, it would be really cool if you guys decide to leave a review (or a comment, if the story is on AO3) in the stories you read, especially the unfinished ones. It really motivates the authors, and receiving a compliment is always a mood lifter. I’ve seen some authors updating stories after years because of nice reviews, so… yeah, this is just an idea.

Feel free to reply to this post if you think I left out a good story!

Next category: Christmas fics!

[otonymous]

A Bolt From The Blue (MLQC Shaw - NSFW) - Part III: Near & Far

Description: Promising beginnings and a premature end throw you into a tailspin Warnings: NSFW/18+: Explicit/graphic language & mature themes — reader discretion is advised.  Potential trigger warnings: depictions of mild PTSD symptoms, mentions of death of a close family member, disappearances, “breakups,” angst, profanity Word Count: 1882 words (~9 mins of falling in love and wallowing in angst 😱😂) Author’s Notes: If you’re still following this story, please accept a giant (virtual) hug from me to you!  Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for supporting me and this piece of work! 💖 Without further ado, I present to you part 3 of my slow-burn Shaw fic, written for the lovely @op-peccatori​ as part of my follower milestone celebration.

As always, dear reader, please note the potential trigger warnings listed above, and happy reading! 😊

Jump to Chapter(s): One | Two | Four

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

“You can relax, you know.  I won’t try anything funny while you sleep, not my style.  Besides, isn’t this much better than camping out on the floor?”

Nodding your head before you realize that Shaw probably couldn’t see you in the dark, your “Yes” comes out in a mewl so pathetic you wished you could immediately take it back.

His snicker shakes the bed, reverberating across squeaky springs to where you lay beside him, right at the edge of the twin mattress as you tried not to let your hands touch.

No matter how much you wished for them to.

Beyond the window, a neon signboard paints electric shadows on your walls in splashes of pink, flashing in time to a rhythm Shaw tapped out with one foot beneath the covers.

“Is it cool if…if we didn’t draw the blinds tonight?  I can’t sleep in complete darkness.” He had asked you earlier that evening, towelling off his hair as he emerged from your bathroom wearing a shirt your ex had left behind along with your broken heart a year and a half ago.

Snoopy looked much better riding his skateboard across Shaw’s broad chest anyways.

And there, in the midst of an awkward arrangement where sleep would surely prove fleeting, the sounds of the night: the low hum of the refrigerator, the pawn shop’s sign buzzing just on the other side of the windowpane…the tick-tock of the clock on the wall, steady like Shaw’s breath beside you as it counts down precious time—

“I’ll be out of your hair first thing tomorrow morning.”  

Ba-bump.

“No, there’s…there’s no rush.  Honestly.”

“Can you really afford to miss more work because of me?”

Silence.  You couldn’t refute the truth.

“Tell you what, in exchange for putting up with me, you can ask me anything you want.  I’ve seen the way you look at me sometimes; surely you must be curious about some things.  Might as well find out before I go.”

Your stomach knotted, clenching tight.  He was right.  For all you know, it was now or never.  “Why did you join?  The triad, that is.”

He is silent for a moment, as if trying to find the right words to piece together.

“I’m looking for my brother.”

Out of all possible answers, this wasn’t one you were expecting.  Turning onto your side, you study the handsome profile of his face — watching as pink mixed with lavender in the most ethereal way until you were overcome with the sense that in this vast ocean of life, you and him stood on very different shores.  Eyes still fixed on your ceiling, Shaw continues.

“He was an undercover cop, working to infiltrate the ranks of the group I’m currently a part of.  I only found out by accident, and he made me swear up and down not to breathe a word of it to mom.  Then one day…he was gone.  Just...disappeared off the face of the earth.  Mom and I went down to the station every day for months, knew the names and faces of everyone who worked in that building, but it was like Gavin never even existed.

“It was too much for her.  I came home late from school one day — found her on the floor, barely breathing.  It was dark in the apartment…so dark.  She had probably just drawn the curtains.  By the time the paramedics arrived, she was already gone.  Heart attack, they said.  

“I lie awake at night sometimes, wonder how I’m going to tell him that mom’s no longer here — go through the motions in my head, rehearsing every line.  ‘Cus I know that sooner or later, that day will come.  There’s no way he’s dead.  I know my brother.”

A glimmer at the corner of his eye catches yours.  Beneath the covers, your fingers inch towards his, finding courage in the darkness to brush against his pinky as if the sliver of warmth could express what words simply couldn’t convey.

“With mom gone, there was nothing to lose.  I joined the group, worked hard…did what they needed me to do to gain their trust, all while collecting scraps of info here and there — whatever I could get my hands on in the hopes that it’ll lead me to Gav.”

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

Tiny drops of rain speckle your windowpane.  And when Shaw’s finger hooks around yours as if in a solemn pinky swear, the tears burning your eyes finally fall.  You don’t ask him how many years it’s been, the dirty deeds he’s had to sully his hands with.  You don’t question him about the father he doesn’t mention.  All you can do is watch as a solitary drop rolls down the side of his face before soaking into lavender strands fanned out on the pillow, the way his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows back bitterness only he knew.

In spite of it all, he is the one who chuckles when he turns towards you, eyes red rimmed even as his brows rise in feigned exasperation when he says, “Why are you crying?!  I’m the one with the tragic past here!”

And when you start to cry even harder, his soft hushes of “Shh, shh…I’m sorry, that last part was a joke.  It’s all right, everything will be okay, I promise,” burrows deep into your heart and you believe him.

Because when he reaches towards you — the thumb wiping the tears from your eyes calloused yet gentle — you are struck by a sense of overwhelming tenderness:

In the carefulness of his touch.

In the way he regards you with the sincerity of some unspoken emotion.

In the entirety of this man whom the rest of the world has already written off.

And that is when you know…

“I didn’t mean to make you cry by telling you all this, I’m sorry.”

…that you are in love with him.

“I’ll make it up to you.  Ask me another question.  Maybe something less depressing this time.”  

A smile spreads across his face.  You wished there was a way for you to keep the warmth of his hand on your cheek forever.  Sniffling, you try again.

“Wh-why did you keep coming in to my store everyday?  There’s a lot of other convenience stores in the area—”

A flash of panic in those amber eyes, and Shaw is turning over with lightning speed until all you can see is the smooth expanse of his back.

“Changed my mind.  A guy’s gotta keep some secrets!  Goodnight!”

“You’re a good girl, aren’t you?”

Wrap your arms around the pillow.

“Good girls shouldn’t concern themselves with bad boys.”

Bury your face into its cushiony fill.

“Or have you forgotten that I’m wanted by the police?”

And inhale deeply.

Shaw’s scent on your sheets is faint now, so much so that you can’t be entirely sure you’re not imagining it, having gone through this ritual countless times since the day Shaw left your apartment…

…and stepped out of your life.

                   *                                         *                                          *

“Is there…any way I could stay in touch with you?  I-I just…just want to make sure you’re okay…”

Voice trailing off, you watch as Shaw gingerly shrugs one arm then another through the sleeves of his leather jacket, still wearing the Snoopy t-shirt he had slept in the night before after you told him he could keep it.  His own was torn beyond repair, stubbornly dyed in blood regardless of how much you scrubbed at it.  And when he hesitated still, you said he would just be doing you the favour of taking out the trash.  

Smoothing down the front of his jacket, Shaw glances at the phone in your hands — eyes tracing along your eager fingers, poised to type.  The expression on his face is unreadable, as if the man you had spent the night sharing secrets with was nothing more than a figment of your imagination.

“It’s better if we don’t.  I’ll be fine, just laying low for the next while — boss’s orders.  And I don’t want the cops coming around to your place again.  Detective Whatshisname looks like he could be really good at hounding pretty girls like you.”

That smirk again, so familiar to you by now.  And in the compliment that would’ve made you blush bright red before, nothing but a smokescreen.

“Shaw, I don’t mind—”

“You’re a good girl, aren’t you?" The force in his voice cuts, and you barely breathe to feel his finger curl beneath your chin, tilting up your face until you have no choice but to meet his gaze.  Those eyes are dull, like molten gold frozen beneath a layer of impenetrable ice.  “Good girls shouldn’t concern themselves with bad boys.  Or have you forgotten that I’m wanted by the police?”

The shiver that runs electric down your spine makes the hairs on your skin stand on end.  It was like looking at a stranger.  Heart racing, your palms grow clammy with sweat, unsure of exactly when your phone had dropped from your hands, slipping away like…

“I don’t care about the cops!  I’ll deal with them—”

“DEAL WITH WHAT?!  You think that just because you managed to turn them away at the door that it makes you a hardened criminal?!  WE are not the same, okay?  My life is worthless.  I’ve already signed it away a long time ago, I’m ready to give it up without a second thought.  But you…you’re different. Y-you’re kind, innocent.  You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.  One day, you’ll make someone the luckiest person in the world, be a beautiful mother to beautiful children.  Don’t sell yourself short…not for someone like me.”

The silence that descends is thick, suffocating.  You don’t speak, afraid to open your mouth because it takes all your concentration just to keep the tears from spilling from your eyes.

Finally letting go of your chin, Shaw reaches behind his neck to undo the clasp on the thin gold chain he wore, the jade disc pendant that hung from it still warm from the heat of his skin when he places it in the palm of your hand.

“It’s not much, but it was a gift from my mom and the most valuable thing I own.  You saved my life, so it’s yours now.  Maybe…maybe one day, you can give it to your own child.”

Lump in your throat, you can barely breathe, let alone tell him there was no way you could accept something that precious, something that priceless.  That you didn’t drag him home that night, broken and bleeding, in the hopes of gain; not for money, not for love.

He curls your fingers around the heirloom, gentle thumb pressing on index, middle, ring then pinky in turn before your fist finds itself held tightly within the press of his much larger hand for one…two…three seconds…

…before those purple Chuck Taylors take him to your door…

Slam.

…and just like that, the man with the lavender hair is gone.

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

Forgive me for trolling, but there really was only one bed LOL!  Hope you all enjoyed the latest chapter, and please stay tuned for what may be the final instalment in this Shaw saga! - XOXO

Jump to Chapter(s): One | Two | Four

Thanks so much for reading! 💕 Check out more of my work here! 📚(Please do not repost/copy/alter my work.  Reblogs, on the other hand, are a-ok and much appreciated! 👍🏼💖)

[hotarutranslations]

Morning Musume '21's First Album in 3 years and 4 months. Ishida Ayumi talks about the current state of the group: "We've become pastel"

Morning Musume '21's 16th original album "16th ~That's J-POP~'' was released. It's been 3 years and 4 months since their previous album, it's a recording with 16 songs including their hit singles and new songs. We talked about the current group's changes and current situation, as well as the future outlook with sub-leader Ishida Ayumi.

2 People Graduated From My Same Generation and I Changed Myself

--"16th ~That's J-POP~" will be your first album in 3 years and 4 months, how is the response different from your previous album?

Ishida: 3 years and 4 months ago it was "15 Thank you, too", right? It feels like it was a long time ago, I don't remember (laughs). The members have also changed a lot.

--Do you think there is anything that has changed since then, Ishida-san?

Ishida: It's completely different now. 4 years ago Kudo Haruka-chan and Iikubo Haruna-chan were still in the group and we had a division of roles amongst our generation. Harunan (Iikubo) watched over the group as an older sister, Duu (Kudou) was very close to our juniors and they adored her. I was just paying attention to what was going on, but I probably wasn't looking around that much. In the last 3 years, those 2 from my generation have graduated, it was the biggest change for me. I've come to think "I have to do it myself" towards the things I relied on those 2 for. Therefore, I came to think about how to close the distance between my juniors like Duu did; Sato Masaki-chan told me "Ayumin, you've become kind. You've mellowed out,". That's where I've most changed.

Learning How To Let Your Eyes Jump Along a Curve

--As an idol, what was the biggest event you had in those 3 years?

Ishida: It was Rockin' (ROCK IN JAPAN FESTIVAL). We were invited to RockFes, it was an amazing experience.

--You appeared in 2018 and 2019, in 2019 you were the first performance on the main stage.

Ishida: It's something I'm most proud of in my life, it was such a big event that I want to talk about it forever. We knew how to excite our fans but, we wondered how to excite those that aren't our fans; during Rockin' everyone really thought about that. Everyone knows "LOVE Machine" and "Renai Revolution 21", they'll dance to that. But, for like "Seishun Night", a song where everyone can make some noise and dance together, how could we convey that to those that are seeing it for the first time? To the guests in the back, how we can make it reach out; we really studied those kinds of things.

--What did you find there?

Ishida: It was our line of sight. Intuitively I thought the line of sight should be straight forward, but you can also curve it. Jumping over the people in front with a "I'm sorry", we learned the technique of jumping with our line of sight like "I'm looking at you". For us (in Japan) I think we did it when we stood at Budokan and Yoyogi (National Stadium). 

How To Make It Resonate With Those That Don't Know The Previous Morning Musume

--With this album the single released last year "Junjou Evidence" was also included. In Tsunku-san's liner notes he wrote "you don't have to carry on with tradition" "Breaking free from the past, step up to what's next". Has Ishida-san also thought about that sort of thing?

Ishida: I've thought about it. But, those making the current trends, those in their teens and twenties, they don't know the previous Morning Musume, do they. It's different from us chasing after them, I've come to think about this a lot recently. It's better for us to make Morning Musume as the current us, I wonder if the current audiences would listen to it.

--It was the group's 20th anniversary in 2018, right?

Ishida: Certainly during the 20th anniversary, we sang "Morning Coffee" with our seniors, it was really a wonderful commemoration. I think that it was a big event for those that have always supported us. Of course we want to cherish those people as well, and while also respecting our seniors previous songs by singing them with the feeling of their importance. But, with our current songs it's not like "how would our seniors perform this", so it will resonate with those in their teens and twenties, I think it's alright to attack it with this expression.

There Are Many Songs About Dreams and The Future It Makes Me Almost Cry

--There are a lot of positive songs on the album like the new song “Junjou Evidence”, right.

Ishida: There certainly are. There are a lot that talk about dreams and the future, I think.

--There is the appearance of love songs like “Renai Destiny ~Honne wo Ronjitai~” but, you’re singing <Let's do it all, do all of it>.

Ishida: I love this song. It feels like it has the passionate message of “Break through the status quo. Do what you want to do”, it makes me almost cry. The tears especially come when singing the hook that's in a high key, it's really dangerous (laughs).

--Are there others songs that resonated?

Ishida: With the ballad “Nakimushi My Dream”, I straightforwardly feel “it's wonderful,”. With the current coronavirus, I think dreams like opening up a shop collapsed. Since recently it's like <dreams are disappearing one by one without a sound>, I think this song can reach those people. <It's ok to be an honest crybaby> also resonates, right. It's not like “Do your best while looking forward,” its teaching “It's alright to look back on things too,”. I’m also like that when I’m feeling down.

Do you cry secretly too?

Ishida: I do. But, on the other hand, if it's too painful tears won't come out right? When those kinds of people hear this song I also want their tears to flow. it's better to cry because it's refreshing. I really want everyone to do their best.

Its Unsatisfying To Always Spend Each Year The Same

-- “Hey! Unfair Baby” is like <Break free! Break free!>.

Ishida: It feels like “Break it! Break it!”, right.

--Do you think the current Morning Musume needs that kind of mode?

Ishida: Through all of the songs on the album, Tsunku-san was saying “Let's move forward, lets change,” I don’t know whether that was a message sent to us, or if it was towards the situation in the world. The time when I was saying “I must change” may have passed a bit. Now, I’m already enjoying various things already. Rather than forcibly changing, if it doesn’t work I’ve realized I’ll continue like “Well, let's do this”.

--When was your “I must change” period?

Ishida: I thought, “Is this ok as is?”, it was about my performances around 2015. I had been in the group for 4 years, I was always feeling like “I can’t lose in dance!” But, I started to worry like, “You can’t impress people just by dancing precisely”, and I thought I wanted to become more mature.

--Did you get over it?.

Ishida: As I got older, it was something I learned naturally. It was recent, before the coronavirus. I’m having fun doing all the concerts I get to do for work but, I wanted to bring something out like “let's do more interesting things,”. I’ve been active in Morning Musume for 9 years, I thought “I’ve been spending every year the same,”. I get to do concerts all year, and I do birthday and Christmas events, it doesn’t change every year. With that, from January of last year, I did a solo play for my birthday event.

--It seems like it was well received.

Ishida: Since then it's been like, “If I want to do something, I’ll be able to if I work hard,” and, I’ve changed myself from within. Before I was embarrassed to say what I wanted to do, I would end up giving up like “it's probably impossible,’ but, I’ve come to think “Let’s say it,”.

Euphoria is The Most Charming Thing About The Members Now

--Tsunku-san named this album “That’s J-POP” but, how has Ishida-san taken in the music?

Ishida: I feel like a lot of the songs really stir my emotions. Now, it's hard to talk about dreams with this situation, you’re not able to do things you want to do, I think from listening to this album, you’ll certainly be able to do your best to stay positive. Something that I really like, the kind of passion from our seniors in Morning Musume that has been passed down, I feel like that's apparent in this album.

--What do you think is something good about the current Morning Musume ‘21?

Ishida: There is an image of pastel colors. Around 2016 and 2017, I feel like it was more primary colors. Individually we’re strong, everyone was on fire. When you watch a live video of Morning Musume ‘21 from a birds eye view, the members' euphoria is the most charming thing. Compared to when we were doing formation dances, there were places where we were all matching, but honestly there were places where we weren’t matching. We really had to dig into it. But, recently Tsunku-san also told us, “It's not necessary for the juniors to be exactly the same as the seniors,”; I realized that the charm of everyone being the same was the Morning Musume from a bit ago. Now if there is a cute song all of the members try to get along with each other, it’s charming. It feels like the air is suddenly brighter. The fans will smile towards us, the whole space looks like its pastel. I think that's Morning Musume ‘21. 

The 15th Generation Changed The Color Of The Group

--Were the pastel shades brought in largely from the three 15th generation members that joined in 2019? 

Ishida: It largely was. The 15th generation changed our color.

--Did you play a central role in educating the 15th generation as a sub-leader?

Ishida: That’s right. I taught them various things. In particular dance but really only in the beginning. Now I’ll give them some advice if they’re having difficulty dancing, but I don’t tell them detailed things like “have your hand angle like this,”.

--Is that the policy of growing at ease?

Ishida: If we get to have another solo concert tour, since it's important for us to be in an arrangement, I think I’ll teach them. Now we’re doing Hello! Project concerts and it's important to have fun. Since that fun will certainly be conveyed to the fans, that's what they should focus on.

Knowing They’re Not Only Wholesome But Also Silly

--For each of the three in the 15th generation, could Ishida-san give us their good points and things to improve on?

Ishida: Yamazaki Mei-chan is always lively, and her singing voice is really cute. Standing on stage, she seems to be having fun even during cool songs. It's healing for us as well that she brightens the space just by her being there, I want her to always have that kind of presence. Earlier this year for the ballad concerts, Kitagawa Rio-chan found her own way of singing, it's really good. Since it's probably because she is confident in the song, as it is, I want her to keep moving forward.

--Kitagawa-san’s photobook came out last year, and she was recently on the cover and had the opening gravure for “Young Magazine”.

Ishida: Since we haven’t been able to do a lot of events or concerts with the 15 generation, I don’t think the fans know a lot about Kitagawa. With the feeling of wholesomeness like, “I’ll do my best to not lose to the seniors,”, she came in with the simple approach but, she's really a funny girl. I’m hoping that everyone will come to know about that later.

--Also, for Okamura-san?

Ishida: Homare-chan has a funny side. That humor will come out when she is with her seniors. Talking with her, it's like “Eh, isn’t that strange Japanese?” and “on the contrary, isn’t that rude?” she’ll say something by mistake like that, it's silly. I want her to show that sort of thing, since she is a cute girl that's like a baby (laughs), I want to watch her grow.

I’ll Light The Fire Before It Becomes Pale

--Do you have any thoughts about the future image of Morning Musume?

Ishida: Ideally, whatever happens, I want the root of Morning Musume to remain. If we go on like the current pastel, we will end up becoming an uninteresting group. It's good right now. But, if we continue with it for a long time and we end up becoming a pale color, I might not like that. If the members don’t color it properly, I’m worried it will get paler and paler, you’d have to add a deeper color at some point. From now on, I want to keep the fire burning.

--With the “root of Morning Musume”, originally it was a group that was formed from those who lost an audition and they competed with each other, is that that group's genetic origins? 

Ishida: That's right. When the time comes there's like a “lets do it!” kind of enthusiasm. Like during Rockin’, everyone was really cool, I felt the air of Morning Musume that I like. I know that the current members are cool too, so I hope to have another time where we can turn on that switch.

I Want To Challenge Various Things I Think Are Interesting

--In Tsunku-san’s line notes for “Jinsei Blues” he wrote “Fukumura and Ishida could stay active till they’re 40, I want them to walk a new life that will blow people's minds,”. For Ishida-san, do you feel motivated to stay in Morning Musume till you’re 40?

Ishida: I don’t know but (laughs), if I stay a long time in Morning Musume, it may feel like “it's because Tsunku-san said that,”. If I can continue finding things interesting with my activities I’ll continue; l’ve said before that if I think something like “this is interesting!”, I may go that way in the future. It's important to maintain the status quo but, it's a bit boring isn’t it?

--Recently you sold “Ishida Bread” at “HinaFest”, right. You also did a solo play at your birthday event; with Ishida-san’s high dance skill, do you think you want to go into musicals?

Ishida: I like plays but, I think it's different than just going with plays. Since I’m greedy, I want to dance and sing. I don't want to just be an actress like Kudo Haruka-chan. I want to challenge various things, I’d be happy if you’d watch over me.

Profile Ishida Ayumi Born January 7th, 1999, hometown is Sendai, Miyagi. Passed the 2011 “Morning Musume 10th generation member “Genki Jirushi” audition”. Her first single release was “Pyoko Pyoko Ultra”. In December 2018 she became a sub-leader. She appears in a once a month corner “Ishida Ayumi Goes!” on “Ara Ara Kashiko” (Sendai Broadcast).

https://news.yahoo.co.jp/byline/saitotakashi/20210403-00230490/

[prismatica-the-strange]

Au Zombie apocalypse (but more like the movie Fido

While I did watch the film (and absolutely loved it!), I didn't really know how to write it as an AU, so I went more for a 7 Days to die meets Tyler Posey's Alone.

Word count: 2014

Warnings: Blood, violence, swearing

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"Jackpot!"

"What'cha got?" Cam comes up behind her to look into the cabinet.

"Enough to last us a while," Bunny grins, shrugging off her backpack and shoving cans from the shelves into it.

"Dread found a buttload of nonperishables," he says into the radio on his shoulder, "What about you gu-"

He's cut off by the sound of gunshots from two floors up where Daniel and Vala are going through apartments.

Bunny freezes, hand gripping the worn, bloodstained handle of the fire ax on the counter next to her. Everything goes quiet.

They wait for what feels like forever with bated breath until Daniel's heavy breathing crackles through the radio, "We had a group of infected, but we took care of it... Keep an eye out, those shots could have attracted more."

Before she can even let out a breath of relief Bunny sees a figure shambling up behind Mitchell.

"Behind you!"

She manages to pull out her sidearm as the zombie tackles him. She fires a few times and prays she was quick enough to kill it before it bit him.

The infected goes limp and she nudges it with her toe before pushing it off him.

There's a lot of blood, she wipes away as much as she can but she doesn't see a bite mark, just the gash on his forehead.

"Mitchell's unconscious," she says into her radio, "Zombie took him down and he hit his head, I don't see a bite."

"Keep your distance, just in case," Daniel answers, "We'll be right down Bunny."

"Hey! It's just me!" Daniel says when she points the Glock at him.

"Announce yourself next time dumbass!" She snaps, pointing her gun to the floor. "There's infected around, I could've killed you!"

He glances up at her when he kneels next to Mitchell, checking him for bites or deep scratches. "We'll bring him back, but he'll need to be watched closely, are you okay?"

"'M fine, let's get him back to base." She assures him with a small smile.

"Guys!" Vala skids to a stop in the doorway, "We've got an entire pack of runners headed right for us, if we're leaving, we need to go now."

"Help me with him," he looks to Bunny and she slings one of Cam's arms over her shoulders, helping Daniel get him to his feet.

Vala takes point as they drag him down the, now darkening, hallways of the apartment building. The group makes it to the truck without incident, Vala climbing into the bed with Cam and the supplies they managed to raid.

The compound was a small, red-brick school that they had reinforced. Two floors, lots of rooms, a flat roof that was good for patrolling on, and a chain-link fence surrounding it that they had wrapped and topped with barbed and razor wire.

"This is Raid Team One to Base, come in Base," Bunny says into the radio hooked to the dash. "I Repeat, This is Raid Team One, we're coming in hot, ETA 8 minutes. Base, do you copy?"

She gets back nothing but static and she looks to Daniel in the driver's seat.

"We have a man down and sprinters on our ass. ETA 5 minutes. Base, please respond." Nothing, "Damnit Walter! You'd better have that gate open when we get there or I swear to fuck, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

... "This is Base to Raid Team One, what is your current Eta?"

"Fuckin' finally!" She holds the mic up to her face again, "One minute Walter! Get that gate open NOW!... And tell the doc to be ready for a bleeder."

"What in the hell happened?" Sam asks as they unload Cam from the back.

"One of those new silents," Bunny grimaces, wiping her sleeve at the speckles of dried blood from her cheek, "Fucker got the drop on us."

"Hey!" She stops the group just inside the gate, the sound of gunfire echoing from O'Neill and Teal'c in the watchtowers as sprinters hurl themselves at the fence, "You know the rules, I can't let you in until you get a bite check."

"Damnit, Sam! Mitchell's dying!" Daniel snaps, "We don't have time for this!"

"I won't be the reason we have another outbreak!" She argues, pulling her pistol from its holster.

"Both of you calm down!" Fraiser interjects, rushing in with a gurney, "Sam, put your gun away, and Daniel..."

She looks at him pointedly, "Roll up your sleeves. Rules are rules, no exceptions, not even you."

He does as she says as she scours Cam for bites, Bunny and Vala also rolling their sleeves and pant legs up for Sam to inspect.

After getting checked out, Bunny brings the raided food to the kitchens, Daniel trailing closely behind her.

Once they make it to their quarters, an old English classroom, he pulls her into his arms.

"You're sure you're okay?" He asks, looking her over again.

"I'm fine," she assures him, "A little irked that we had to leave before we finished looting, but physically, I'm okay."

"Good," he sighs, pressing his lips to her forehead.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"We should take the mountain." She says, fingers drumming against the table in the war room.

"Not this again," O'Neill sighed, running his hand over his face, "That place is swarming with infected."

"But it's also loaded to the teeth with Ammo, MREs, and medical supplies." She argues, "Enough to last at least a few years. Jack, we've nearly picked the rest of the town clean, there's not much else to raid, what do we do then?"

"And or med supply is running dangerously low," Fraiser cuts in, "The stock in that mountain could save a lot of lives."

O'Neill huffs and slouches against the wall next to the window, looking out in the direction of Cheyenne Mountain.

"We need to take inventory of our current ammo supply before we make any hard decisions," He says, "If you can get the floor plans from the town office and draw me up a workable plan for this, we might- and I stress the word might- be able to get this thing off the ground."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

"So you finally got O'Neill to agree?" Cam groans from the bed in the makeshift infirmary, "How the Hell did you manage that?"

"Persistence."

"You annoyed him into it," he clarifies.

"Something like that," Bunny laughs, "Daniel and V are prepping the truck to raid the town office to hopefully get the floor plan."

"Document snatching, I don't envy you there."

"Yeah... So how are you doing? Feeling hungry for human flesh?" She jokes, "Craving my sweet sweet bone marrow?"

"Nah, the doc checked me out, I am 'infection free' as the kids call it."

"That's good, I hope to see you up on your feet soon, I don't like being down a man." She pats his arm and makes her way to where the rest of the team is getting ready to head out.

"How's he doin'?" Daniel asks, lifting the weapons duffle into the bed of the truck.

"Cam is Cam," she shrugs, "Bit of a concussion but otherwise still the same, we lucked out."

"Yes, those new Silents are beginning to be quite the problem," Vala says, climbing into the back of the truck.

"We'll figure it out," Daniel nods, "We learned to manage the sprinters, we'll get a read on these ones too."

"You guys ready to go?" O'Neill asks, walking up with Teal'c, his hands in his pockets.

"Just about," Daniel says, "What's goin' on?"

"With this new variant out there, I know I'd feel a lot better if you took Teal'c with you." He tells them, "So you're taking Teal'c with you."

"Hop in," Bunny motions to the truck, and Teal'c nods before stepping into the bed and shutting the tailgate.

The town office is mostly empty, with only a few zombies stumbling around, easily incapacitated with melee weapons.

"Where do you think they'd keep the floorplans?" Bunny asks, scraping the blood off her ax on the side of a desk.

"Archives are in the basement if they had them at all," Daniel explains, "Uh... Teal'c and Vala, you guys take guard up here, Bunny and I 'll check out downstairs."

Their lights shine around the dusty folder-covered shelves as they try not to kick up any papers that litter the ground as they go.

"It's too fucking quiet," Bunny hisses, eyes darting over to Daniel, her knuckles white as she grips her flashlight, "Daniel."

He turns to look at her, but her eyes and light are trained on a spot on the floor. He follows her line of sight to a bloody bootprint on the cement floor, "That's not ours."

"It's still wet," she grimaces and he shines his light around their immediate surroundings.

"They're still here," his eyebrows knit together, "We should go."

"We need those plans."

"We don't even know if the plans are here," Daniel argues, "Even if they are, is it really worth risking our lives to a band of Rovers?"

"We risk our lives every time we leave the compound," she frowns, stepping past him to continue her search.

"Is someone there?" She calls out and Daniel rolls his eyes, grabbing his radio.

"Teal'c? This is Daniel, we think we could have a Rover situation here, keep your eyes peeled."

"Understood."

The sound of shuffling papers alerts them to another presence a few shelves over. Daniel pulls his gun, pointing it in the direction of the sound, pulling Bunny behind him without a second thought.

"Come out," Daniel orders, "Calmly with your hands behind your head. We're armed."

A small figure slowly shuffles into the light, hands clutched tightly around a raggedy-looking stuffed moose.

"Jesus Daniel, it's a kid," She tries to move past him, but he stops her.

"Are you alone?" He asks, "Is there anyone else here with you?"

Their eyes start to glisten with tears and they start sniffling.

"M-my papa he-" They hiccup, "He told me to hide. B-but he hasn't come back!"

"Honey, how long ago was that?" Bunny asks them.

"F-four days ago."

"Oh geez," Daniel slowly lowers his gun and looks to his wife who carefully approaches the child.

"Did your dad tell you anything else before he left?" She asks softly, unscrewing the cover of her water bottle and handing it to them.

"S-something 'bout getting bit," they pout, taking a sip.

She turns to Daniel.

"He can't be more than five," she whispers, "Daniel we can't just leave him here."

"I know."

"What's your name, sweetheart?" She asks as Daniel radios the new information to Teal'c and Vala.

"H-Henry."

"It's nice to meet you, Henry," she smiles warmly, "You're gonna come with us, ok? We've got food, water, and a nice safe place to stay."

"But... but my Papa!"

"Honey, I'm sorry but I don't think your papa's coming back," she tells him, "Now you need to come with us to where it's safe."

"Ok."

"I need to make sure you weren't bit too, can you roll up your sleeves for me?"

He nods and does as she says.

Once she's sure he hasn't been infected she picks him up and he clings to her.

"We just need to find something before we go."

"I think I've got it," Daniel calls from the other side of the basement, after a good 40 minutes of searching through musty old files.

He meets Bunny near the stair and unfolds one of the blue documents. Shining his light through it he smiles when they see the layout of one of the complex's floors.

"Hell yeah!" She grabs his arm, and grins, "Let's get these back to base."

"It's okay," she reassures the young boy when he whimpers, holding her tighter when she goes to set him in the front seat of the truck, "I'll be sitting right next to you."

"Base this is Raid Team one," she says into the dashboard radio, "The mission was a success. We found a new survivor and we're headed back. ETA 15 minutes."

○●○●○●○

There will be a part 2 (or even more) because I really love this AU and want to write more for it

Taglist: @mysg1spacemonkey @sgcprometheus @i-am-morrigans-apprentice @malcolm-reeds-pineapple @witching-things @reeseykins @abnormalvampire64 @girl-obsessed-with-things @gatez @myro-tse @just-a-si-fi-nerd

[daggerzine]

R.E. Seraphin molds tiny shapes into big songs.

Though he’s been on the scene for a while now (with different bands) I hadn’t heard the music of Bay Area musician R.E. “Ray” Seraphin until this year via a cassette called Tiny Shapes via Paisley Shirt Records (more on the label below). His first real band was Talkies, which he discusses below (and I have enjoyed), but he seems to have really come into his own this year with that cassette and a new EP, A Room Forever, which came out just a month or so ago. In his music you’ll hear influences of 80’s jangle pop as well as some deeper post-punk stuff (and for more current stuff I hear whispers of Dean Wareham and his bands and Wild Nothing). Reading below he seems very well grounded and seems to have a great attitude about everything (even not being able to play shows during a pandemic or being in a writing slump). I think once this is all over this guy will go on 5-year tour and gain lots and lots of new fans. In the meantime do check out his stuff, you won’t be disappointed.

   Where did you grow up?

Berkeley, CA. The area I grew up in was filled with Victorian homes and dilapidated industrial warehouses. My family home was walking distance from a lagoon and an old, rusty set of train tracks. I felt I lived in an unremarkable college town. There wasn't much activity outside of the school. I discovered Berkeley’s storied political and musical history much later in life. Now, of course, there are many books written about Berkeley, but I thought it was a kinda nondescript city as a kid.

 Do you remember what band made you fall in love with music?

Dating myself hard here, but I remember being floored by The White Stripes’ “Fell in Love With a Girl” video when I was 11. The Top 40 music making the rounds on VH1 and MTV at the time was beyond dreck — a lot of Train, Staind, Matchbox 20. The White Stripes were the first band I was exposed to that made succinct, catchy, no-frills music. I was genuinely enthralled. Plus, the Lego animation in that video still holds up.

 Was guitar your first instrument?

I started on bass. My first instrument was an extremely cheap, pointy BC Rich knockoff monstrosity. I believe I was 13. I had no idea how to play and little interest in learning. For the first year, I putzed around with a Pro Co RAT, a wah pedal, and a tinny-sounding Crate practice amp. I just tried (and succeeded in) being as obnoxious as possible. When I started writing songs, I eventually graduated from playing bass poorly to playing guitar poorly.

 Tell us about your first band.

My first band that played shows was called The Phil Spector Shotgun Experience. That was primarily a cover band I put together with my high school buddies and my mom. We covered Radio Birdman, the Pink Fairies, and the MC5; we also had an unwittingly hilarious original called “Nitroglycerin Man” — the first song I ever wrote (maybe I was subconsciously inspired by Wages of Fear). At some point, we kicked my mom out of the band and started playing as the Impediments. That band kicked ass — we made pridefully dumb American punk music. That was also my only band to sign a record contract, so it’s quite possibly been downhill from there!

 Tell us about The Talkies (unless that was your first band mentioned above).

Talkies (no article!) was a group I started in 2014 as a vehicle for my songs. My previous bands had been more of a shared vision, so Talkies was my first foray into being the lone genius of a group. The sound was mostly drawn from what is disparagingly known as power pop. Basically, I was heavily into the band Shoes for a few years.

We released a few albums and EPs. Did a couple short tours. During that time, the project was dragged from the Bay Area to Austin and back before I finally, mercifully pulled the plug last year. It was time.

 When did you transition from Talkies to the solo stuff you’re doing now? Did it feel comfortable?

Talkies had run its course, but I had a smattering of songs leftover from that project that I wanted to record. Around that time, I learned my good friend Jasper Leach (Burner Herzog) was getting ready to skip town. I had always wanted to work with him and, seizing my final opportunity to do so, we banged out my début, Tiny Shapes, last summer. The whole experience was fairly serendipitous. The stars aligned for that one.

I wouldn't say the process was comfortable. Recording the album felt necessary, urgent — almost compulsory at times. My heart was ready for a new project and I truly wanted to center myself for the first time. I’m glad I did. This is the happiest I’ve been musically in some time.

 “I think therefore I am”

I love the songs on A Room Forever. How did they come together?

So glad to hear that! I got asked to contribute to a compilation back in April. With the deadline approaching and inspiration still eluding me, I took a glance at my bookshelf, noticed a particular Carson McCullers title, and whipped up “Clock Without Hands.” After my trusty collaborator Owen Adair Kelley added his parts, I felt we had stumbled upon a great sound. I tried to harness the creative spirit and pushed myself to finish a few ideas buried deep in the recesses of my Voice Memo app. I got friends Matt Bullimore (The Mantles) and Yea-Ming Chen (Yea-Ming & The Rumors) involved, and that was that. No great origin story — just pure American ingenuity and elbow grease.

 Tell us about Paisley Shirt Records. Who runs it and how did you hook up with them?

Paisley Shirt Records is simply the man, the myth, the legend — Kevin Linn. He is a San Francisco-based musician and artist who records as Sad-Eyed Beatniks.

I met him when I was looking for someone to release my album, Tiny Shapes. He had just put out a tape by Hits — a great local band featuring some friends of mine — and I felt a kinship with his roster. So, I reached out to him. Foolishly, he agreed to put out my album and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Solid dude. High marks.

 Have you done any solo tours? If so where and how did they go?

Ha! No. I had only notched two shows as R.E. Seraphin before the pandemic hit. Likely not doing anything beyond the odd live-stream show for a while. That said, if any tastemaking European touring agencies are reading this — give me a ring!

The latest EP

 What are your top 10 desert island discs?

Ah, jeez. This question. I’ll just say these are 10 (plus one) that I come back to quite often. In no order:

 Marquee Moon by Television

The Everly Brothers’ Best

Forever Changes by Love

Let it Be by The Replacements

Third/Sister Lovers by Big Star

The First Songs by Laura Nyro

16 Lovers Lane by The Go-Betweens

In a Silent Way by Miles Davis

A Different Kind of Tension by Buzzcocks

Something Else by The Kinks

Old No. 1 by Guy Clark

 What are a few Bay Area bands that we should know about.

This is a golden-era for weirdo pop music in the Bay. To name just a few: Galore, Cindy, The Umbrellas, Tony Jay, Flowertown, Healing Potpourri, Latitude, Cocktails, The Reds, Pinks, & Purples, Yea-Ming & The Rumors, Anna Hillburg, the 1981, Toner, Frank Ene, Neutrals, Owen Adair Kelley, April Magazine, Telephone Numbers, Hits, Sad-Eyed Beatniks. Essentially every act associated with Paisley Shirt Records and/or Mt.St.Mtn. My bias is strong.

 Do you feel that the pandemic has helped your songwriting or hindered it (if either)?

A li’l column A, a li’l column B. I’m a natural procrastinator, so I’ve definitely savored the lack of band practice and shows (things that often necessitate new material). That said, I doubt I would have finished A Room Forever had I not been quarantined at home. Without having many obligations and without being able to leave my house, music definitely became my raison d’être for the first time as an adult. I was fortunate to not be deemed an “essential” worker and to be able to focus energy on my passion momentarily. Silver lining.

 What’s next ? A new record by the end of the year possibly?

Hopefully continuing to promote my music and play shows on the ol’ webiverse. A Room Forever will be receiving a small vinyl and tape pressing at the end of September via Mt.St.Mtn. and Paisley Shirt Records. So, looking forward to that.

I was creatively tapped for a few months after A Room Forever. While a new album is possible, it’s not probable. I am plugging away at a few tunes, but I tend to conceptualize albums as a thematic whole and not as a collection of songs. Haven't stumbled onto my next Big Idea yet. Don't count me out, though. I could see myself dashing off a covers album for sure.

 What is one song you wish you’d written?

Too many to name! I’ll reframe that question to mean a great song I could see myself capable of writing in an alternate time, place, or dimension. Maybe one of Peter Holsapple’s songs from The dB’s — “Black & White” or “Neverland.” Also: anything by Wreckless Eric or Martin Newell.

 Final thoughts? Closing comments?

Just finished reading an interview with the great James Purdy, and thought this quote summed up iur current political climate well:

“You go out into the world and no one knows you, you can be ruled because you’re programmed. Everything is stamped, put on the shelf, described, thrown out into the garbage. It’s a political process, and behind that an economic process. But to be nothing, that is the worst of all possible things.”

   www.reseraphin.com

www.paisleyshirtrecords.bandcamp.com

[megalony]

Music’s too sad without you-  Part 1

This is the follow-on series from my Roger Taylor series Touchy Situation which gained lovely feedback. I hope you all like this new series.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @rogahs-drowse

Summary: Roger and (Y/n) have been living in LA for the past two years after losing Andrew. But now Roger thinks its time to visit the grave and go back to London to reconnect with the band.

Touchy situation masterlist

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adjusting the sunglasses perched on her nose, (Y/n) tilted her head up so she could look at the sky through the tinted glasses that showed the sky as a burnt orange with swirls of brown in the mix.

Her palms rested behind her to prop herself up and she felt small droplets of water clinging to her palms from the concrete floor she was sitting on. The scent of chlorine overwhelmed her senses after the smell of saltwater she had been accustomed to these past few days. With a contented sigh, she slowly tilted her head down as her eyes watched her legs lazily pushing through the water. The cold temperature of the pool was a lovely contrast to the heat that was surrounding her from the sun that was showing in all its glory.

It had taken a while to get used to the heat that constantly surrounded them in America as opposed to the small days in summer when London would finally be blasted with heat. But (Y/n) had had a lot of time to adjust to the change in weather and it was such a welcomed change.

A smile instantly found its way onto her lips when she heard footsteps coming up behind her.

She felt arms gently hooking under hers and easing her so she was sitting up instead of leaning back. Legs soon found themselves caging around her own and a chest was soon resting against her back as she leaned against the firm body behind her. Arms encased loosely around her waist as a pair of lips pressed to the top of her head, breathing in her scent and the smell of her shampoo.

Roger slowly kicked his legs through the water, noticing how the ripples sparked from both their legs like currents shooting through the otherwise calm water that was the purest shade of aqua blue.

(Y/n) rested her hands on his arms as they both let the calming silence wrap around them like a cooling blanket. They had found that sometimes, it was easier to be quiet than to break the silence that seemed to help them both. Words weren't always easy to find and they didn't always do anything good.

Neither of them could quite believe how quickly time had gone by whilst they had been here as opposed to how time seemed to drag back in London. It was as if there was a quicker time zone here that took away their recovery that they actually wanted to drag out as long as possible.

Two years.

It had been two whole years since (Y/n) had stepped off that plane and came over to see Roger and she didn't regret a single thing since.

She thought that since he didn't get her a return ticket, she would just be staying for a month or maybe two until he was either ready to go home or she had to go back. She thought it would be a holiday, not a complete move. But Roger had confessed that he liked being in the states better than being in London where the press were hassling the band about him. Queen was still a big band in the US but the press weren't half as bad here because Roger wasn't normally here for very long.

So when he asked (Y/n) if she would stay with him permanently, she didn't feel she could refuse.

This had been their home for two years, it had been the house that they hardly ever left for the first few months. It was where they laughed and cried and broke down and fell into drunken comas for the night. This was the home they had decorated and found sanctuary in better than any home they ever had back in London.

This was the home that they had cleared of alcohol because Roger had started to depend too much on the substance to remove his pain. The past year was the first year Roger had not had a drink and this was the first time that he didn't care. He found himself not bothered that he didn't drink vodka or whiskey or a pint of beer in a pub or at home. He didn't yearn for alcohol like he had done and he didn't want it just to dull his mind or because he liked the taste.

The last two years had been hard, but they would do it all over again because of the outcome they got. They were a couple, just like they had been before but still different at the same time. They were stronger, they were happy and they were finally content and felt repaired. Neither of them were ever going to be fixed or completely okay but they were patched up to the point they felt they could carry on again.

Moving his right hand, Roger slowly reached for (Y/n)'s hand and entwined their fingers together. Holding their hands out for a moment as if he was studying them or committing the image to memory before he set their hands back down again.

(Y/n) smiled, her eyes casting down to look at their hands again when she felt his thumb delicately brushing over the ring on her finger.

"Thank you."

"Hmm? What for, love?" (Y/n) turned her head so her cheek was resting on his shoulder, allowing her to cast her eyes up through her sunglasses to look at him. Either she had missed what he had said before thank you or he had simply thought of it without saying. He didn't have anything to thank her for, she hadn't done anything recently that required him to be gracious or thankful to her.

"Marrying me." He shrugged lightly before he continued to rub his thumb over the ring on her finger.

Roger never believed in marriage and to this day he still wasn't sure what he thought about it. He didn't see the need for it since it was based on a religious ceremony and he had no religion he followed. Roger only used to see marriage as a financial move that was more stable and socially acceptable. But when (Y/n) came out to LA to see him and she gave up everything back in London to be with him here, he knew he wanted to marry her.

Whatever he thought about marriage, there was still a part of it that was based around the commitment of two people and he wanted to do that. He wanted to commit to (Y/n) and have her be his partner for life.

Their wedding had been nothing fancy at all and it had been a closed-off ceremony. Since living here, Roger hadn't had too much contact with his family apart from phone calls and the odd card to let them know he was okay. He told them about the marriage but he only invited two friends who were already in America because they needed witnesses. They didn't bother with a wedding reception or a cake or anything fancy, but they did go away for two weeks for a honeymoon.

"You know you don't have to keep thanking me, don't you? I didn't do it as a favour to you, Rog. I married you because I love you." (Y/n) rested her hand on the side of his face, gently tilting his head so he was looking at her as she smiled sweetly.

She didn't say yes because she thought it would help him recover and she didn't marry him as some kind of payback or favour or in return for something. She said yes because she loved Roger and if the past few years had taught her anything, it taught her that he was the one and she couldn't give him up for anything in the world.

"I know." Roger still wanted to say thank you. (Y/n) had dropped everything to come out here and she hadn't looked back. She had agreed to stay here because it helped Roger and it was a fresh start and she had done everything to help him and aid his recovery for these past two years. He felt that he was forever in debt to her for that and he would thank her every day for picking him up and getting him to this point in his life.

Leaning down, Roger pressed his lips to her own as he tightened his arms around her middle as if ensuring that she wasn't suddenly going to disappear from him.

"I've been thinking..."

Tilting her head in intrigue, (Y/n) slowly turned around as she pulled her legs from the pool. She moved her legs so they were wrapped around Roger's torso as he closed his legs so she could sit on his lap. Her arms hooked loosely around his neck as he clasped his hands together behind her back, still keeping his own legs dangling in the pool.

He smiled gently as he felt her fingers running through the hair at the back of his neck that he had grown out. (Y/n) took off her sunglasses and rested them on top of her head, gently doing the same with Roger's own that she knew were prescription ones to help him see and read.

"I think it's time to go back." He ran his hands up and down her back as he watched her eyes widen at his words that she wasn't expecting at all.

When they had a late-night talk a few months back just before they got married, (Y/n) clearly recalled Roger saying he didn't want to go home. He liked living here in LA, they were in a rather secluded area so they weren't disturbed. They had the constant sun with some rain and storms, they had heat and were near the beach and they had both felt so much better being here. There was next to no paparazzi hanging around every corner, they could live like they were normal people and Roger felt like he was invisible which is what he had wanted.

London meant being in the public eye with people taking pictures and asking questions. It meant being in the gloomy weather without the beach that had been so calming to them both. It meant being where Andrew and Liz were around every corner with hundreds of memories, good and bad. Going home meant Roger was back to the old days with the boys and Queen. It was a reminder of touring and studio days with late nights and songs and music and a family that had long since broken apart.

London was everything that Roger didn't need.

The blond hadn't played one single instrument since coming to LA, he had only just started to sing instead of humming. He didn't write lyrics or create any music over here and he seemed to relish in that. He was happy not to be at a studio at all hours, he was happy not to be travelling around the world and doing concerts. The only thing he missed was being around the boys.

"Rog... sweetheart, are you sure that's a good idea?" (Y/n) would admit going home would be nice, to see her family and friends, to see the boys again but that came with problems.

Roger would be going back in time and everything they had gone through to get to this good point in their lives would be undone just by stepping foot back in the place he had spent his life since being at university. It wouldn't do him the world of good to go back.

"I don't know. But I do know that I've been thinking about it so much lately, and I think that I want to go back. I want to see the boys now, to walk the streets and see how it feels, to be back in the rain again... and I want to go visit Andrew." Roger couldn't say it was a good idea because he didn't know if it would be or not. All he knew was that he had only seen the band in person once and that was last year when they came down for a week. He missed them and postcards and long phone calls were not enough anymore.

He wanted to know if London felt the same. He had to know if it felt easier to walk the streets or even if it felt better, he wanted to feel the cold and the rain. But most importantly, he had to go home to Andrew.

When the anniversary of his death came up the first year, Roger had told (Y/n) he wanted to go back to London to visit his grave and she agreed completely. But when the time came around Roger had drunk himself into a state and tried to harm himself. (Y/n) couldn't drag him onto a twelve-hour flight back to London to then have Roger get worse when he saw the grave. So they stayed home because Roger was in a bad state and his health hadn't been great after that.

But he recovered. And the second year when the anniversary came back around again, Roger didn't want to go home. He missed Andrew immensely but sitting on the beach with Andrew's blanket watching the sun set behind the sea had been so much calmer and happier.

Now he knew it was time he went back to see the grave again. He felt like Andrew was slipping from his mind and his memory so he wanted to go back and see the grave and collect the other things of Andrew's that John had put into storage for him.

"And you're sure you're ready? I thought you said this was our home now?" (Y/n) wasn't trying to convince him not to go, but she didn't want to pack and get ready to have Roger turn back to drink and try anything like he did last time. She didn't want him to go back to London if it was only going to distress him since he had gotten back on top. His health was much better now and his mental state was vastly improved.

"No, baby I'm not saying we move back there permanently. I don't think I could do that... I just want to head back for a while."

"So... we'll treat this as a holiday?" (Y/n) wasn't sure she followed where he was going with this.

"Yeah, just for a few months. We can buy a place and stay for a while, see how it goes. But this is our home now and forever, it's always going to be home to me... I have a lot of my stuff in storage and some of Andrew's things too. I want to sort through that and see what needs to go and what comes back here with us."

Roger had been missing a few of Andrew's things lately, he was yearning for them in the dead of night when he wanted to think of his son but they were in storage because he didn't bring a lot over with him. He wanted to live here permanently so he needed to get everything out of storage and get whatever he wanted brought over here and what he didn't could go to the tip.

"After this... we'll stay here, forever?" (Y/n) couldn't help the smile that flooded her face at the thought.

She never thought she would want to stay here as much as she did but it never seemed to come up. They never officially said that they would live permanently here in the states, all that was said was that Roger didn't want to go home and they both thought of this as their home. It no longer felt like a holiday villa or as if they were both on extended holidays. This was their home and after their trip back to London, they could come back and live here.

Roger smiled at her words as he nodded before leaning forward and pressing his lips to her own.

"Forever."

[bltngames]

Rant: The Nightmare of Steam Input

It’s hardly a surprise these days that something built by Valve Software is maybe not the most solid, well-thought-out decision anyone’s ever had. When it comes to Steam, it can sometimes feel like a cobbled together set of half-finished features. Remember Steam Music, when they were going to implement a way to listen to custom music during gameplay? Remember when they used to sell movies? Or what the “Steam Machines” initiative, when Valve was going to partner with different hardware manufacturers to sell pre-built PCs, likely in a move that was meant to mimic to how Google handles their Android phones?

And then there’s the Steam Controller, built on the back of the “Steam Input” API. Though the controller floundred, Steam Input ended up being far more interesting. The theory: plug any controller in to Steam and it just works. Does the game ask for an Xbox controller, even though you aren't using one? Steam Input will take care of that. Does the game not even support controllers at all? Steam Input can make that work, too. And for games that interface with the Steam Input technology directly, a whole host of new and exciting features get made available, like binding specific actions to a Playstation 4 controller’s touchpad, or a Nintendo controller’s motion control.

On paper, it sounds great. But like a growing number of ideas out of Valve, in practice, it’s been kind of a nightmare.  

The most recent example of this has been the launch of No Man’s Sky BEYOND, billed as one of the biggest content updates that game has ever seen. Previous PC builds of No Man’s Sky relied on basic, functional Xbox controller support. It operated very similar to the original Playstation-4-exclusive console game, but now on an Xbox controller. If you used anything besides an Xbox controller on PC, Steam Input’s base function would kick in, which in my case meant my Playstation Dualshock 4 controller would be seen as (and function identically to) an Xbox controller with zero fuss. It worked flawlessly.

With the release of BEYOND, No Man’s Sky has transitioned into using Steam Input to its fullest extent. No longer does it pretend you’ve got an Xbox controller connected, it now attempts to support the features of your controller directly. In theory, this should mean far better and more robust controller support!

Except that, as of this writing, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for Playstation controllers, it barely works for Xbox controllers, and it even seems to have mucked up keyboard support for some. Thanks to Steam Input, the game is now more or less unplayable in many different configurations.

In my personal experience, this manifests itself by only some of my Dualshock 4 buttons working, and only working some of the time. The power of Steam Input means developers can insert hooks to completely remap all your controller buttons depending on the context. So, for example, let’s say you’re playing a game like Grand Theft Auto. If that game supports Steam Input, the developer could set it up so you could change your entire button layout depending on whether you were walking around or driving a car. They could even set it up so you could have different buttons depending on whether you were driving a car, motorcycle, boat or airplane.

This is what No Man’s Sky now does, with half a dozen different contextual button layouts for flying your ship, exploring on foot, using certain weapons, organizing inventory, dealing with merchants, and more. While cool in theory, it’s a little overwhelming to actually consider customizing your controls. You must now dig deep and decipher what button you want to change in which context, and that’s assuming everything is working as intended.

In practice, this currently means some controller functionality only works when certain menus are visible. For example, I can only aim with the right stick while the build menu is up. Close that screen and my view instantly freezes. As I said earlier, it’s more or less unplayable.

To a certain degree I forgive the developers of No Man’s Sky (Hello Games) for this. Signs do point to something changing behind the scenes within Steam Input recently. Other, older games have been silently breaking in the last few weeks. The 2012 PC port of Sonic Adventure 2 suddenly asked me to reboot the game after informing me that my controller type had changed, and I had to remap all of my inputs in Gas Guzzlers Extreme after it, too, detected a change in Steam Input’s Xbox controller support (all its buttons had to be rebound to a “new controller” after the “old one” stopped working, despite no hardware change on my end).

It’s possible that a version of No Man’s Sky from a week or two ago worked fine with Steam Input, and now a change on Valve’s end of things has thrown everything into disarray. It's equally likely a patch will fix things up sooner rather than later (maybe even by the time this post goes up).

That excuse does not apply to a game like American Truck Simulator, however. It’s a story similar to No Man’s Sky, except while I expect No Man’s Sky is trying to use Steam Input to approximate the original controller setup (just with more depth to what buttons you remap), American Truck Simulator inexplicably did the opposite of that.

The game launched with Xbox controller support, meaning you could effectively use any controller with the game via Steam Input’s basic functionality. Sometime around the end of 2018 that changed, with SCS Software ditching Xbox support in favor of direct Steam Input support. But it’s how they did this that ended up so baffling.

Instead of updating their controller support to use Steam Input, they seemingly stripped all controller support from the game entirely, busting American Truck Simulator back down to basic keyboard controls. Then, using Steam Input, they created a custom controller configuration that translated to those keyboard keys to controller buttons. In other words, let's say the "F" key on your keyboard handles turning on your headlights. Using Steam Input, SCS Software made it so hitting the controller's X button would activate the F key on the keyboard, thus toggling the headlights. In theory, this is great, because you can use both the keyboard and the controller at the same time without changing any settings.

But it also meant that when I put down American Truck Simulator mid-2017, how the game controlled changed (relatively) overnight. Booting it back up a year later, all my buttons did something completely different through no fault of my own, and it took a lot of detective work to figure out why. I had to spend more than an hour untangling this new mess and putting everything back the way I originally had it. By the time I was done, I was too fed up to actually play American Truck Simulator.

Next, let’s talk about the exciting new features afforded by Steam Input. Though fully-featured official drivers for Playstation and Nintendo controllers are hard to come by on the PC, Steam Input enables features like the Dualshock 4’s gyroscope, allowing developers to make games with motion control in ways that would have been impossible. A whole new era of innovative uses of tilting your controller could begin!

Has anyone done anything like that? Nope, not really. Unless you count VR, but that's mostly with VR-specific controllers.

Instead, we get developers going rogue, implementing gyroscope functionality where none existed. Take Ubisoft’s Grow Home. Developed as a tech demo for a procedural climbing system, Ubisoft spun Grow Home off into a sort of big-budget indie game. You play as a charming red robot named B.U.D. as he ascends his way up a gigantic alien tree. At the very top of the tree sits his spaceship, and his central computer, M.O.M.

Grow Home uses Steam Input and plugs in to the Dualshock 4’s gyroscope, nauseatingly giving you the ability to control the game’s camera by tilting your controller. It doesn’t tell you this, you just start the game with B.U.D. staring at the floor, gently twitching from your slightest movement. What makes this crazy is the fact that if you were to play Grow Home on an actual Playstation 4 console, this gyroscope camera feature is not present. Same controller, same game, but for some reason Ubisoft secretly gave the PC version gyroscope features thanks to Steam Input.

The exact same thing happened with Croteam’s The Talos Principle. Here’s a first-person puzzle game about redirecting laser beams to unlock doors, available on just about every platform that will take it. On a Playstation 4 console, it controls like any other standard first-person shooter -- left stick moves, right stick aims. Connect your Playstation 4 Dualshock to your PC and play The Talos Principle on Steam, and suddenly you have all-new gyroscope aiming for no logical reason, necessitating a dive into the game’s settings so it can be turned off.

This could perhaps be explained by the environment Valve has cultivated on Steam. On a console, there’s a laborious, and sometimes even expensive “certification” process games must go through to release. Additional rounds of certification is required to issue updates and patches. Usually, platform holders require games to meet certain standards of functionality as to avoid driving away potential customers and spoiling the marketplace for everyone else.

On Steam, that all gets thrown out the window. For a small, one-time submission fee, anyone can publish (almost) anything on Steam and update it instantly, for free, forever. Any whim you have can be instantly realized for zero cost other than the time it takes to implement. New gyroscope controls? Sure, why not! Who’s going to tell you no? Definitely not Valve, that’s for sure.

This lead to the worst of all worlds. I suffer from occasional flare-ups of carpal tunnel syndrome thanks to art-related pursuits. One night a few months ago I found myself with enough discomfort in my hand that I tried playing Valve’s own Left 4 Dead 2 with a controller. Besides launching on PC, Left 4 Dead 2 had console ports on the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3. As such, the PC version originally received standard Xbox controller support. And more than once, I’d fallen back on playing L4D2 with a controller for any number of reasons. It wasn’t as accurate as using a keyboard and mouse, but in a pinch it was convenient, functional and comfortable.

Booting up Left 4 Dead 2 in 2019 and grabbing my controller, just like with American Truck Simulator, I was met with a top-to-bottom control system rewrite made to accommodate Valve ditching Xbox support and replacing it with Steam Input. This meant that none of my buttons were the same anymore.

And, just like with Grow Home and The Talos Principle, suddenly Left 4 Dead 2 also had completely unnecessary (and frankly, hyper-sensitive) gyroscope aiming bolted on over the top, even though I didn’t need or want it. It was like I stepped on to an alien planet.

Worse yet, this new Steam Input configuration was actually a step back from the previous Xbox controller config.

Left 4 Dead 2 was old enough that it was an early game to feature emotes on a radial wheel chosen using the analog stick. This made it easy to communicate with teammates even if you didn’t have a headset for voice chat. To some degree, it was made specifically for a controller. In Valve’s new, official Steam Input controller config for L4D2, the option to show these chat shortcuts was removed entirely. So not only were all my buttons different, but some old functionality was now gone. Why? Why not, said Valve. After all, nobody is going to stop them.

To butcher a quote from Jurassic Park’s Ian Malcolm, just because you could, doesn’t mean you should.

The solution to this is the same solution Valve has for everything they do nowadays. Steam Input is not a closed system. You can, if you so choose, connect to an online database where users share their own custom controller configurations. In Valve's eyes, the “Free Market” solves all problems, even problems Valve makes for themselves.

Assuming your needs match the free market, anyway. You may spend just as long browsing and testing other people’s Steam Input configs as it would take you to dig into the settings and fix it yourself. Either way, it’s an unwanted distraction.

The greatest benefit of Microsoft standardizing PC game controllers via the Xbox 360 was that you simply plugged in the controller and it worked. No mapping buttons, no detecting analog stick ranges, no fiddling with any of the options menus. The game in question simply said, “I know what this is!” and you were ready to go. The only problem with that was it only applied to Xbox controllers, a problem Steam originally solved. Thanks to Steam, every controller was functionally an Xbox controller!

But as is increasingly the case, Valve’s aspirations to be more than simply a library of PC games outstripped their ability to control the quality of the input or output. They fixed a very important problem, but were so determined to prove their own intelligence that we've landed right back where we started: forever tinkering with options menus when we could just be playing video games like we wanted.

[thechillicount]

Bungou Stray Dogs Questionnaire

Rules: Complete all the questions you want, expand and explain your answers as much as you want, and have fun!

If you can, tag some people you want to join in on the fun!

So I tag anyone that sees this and wants to do it to have fun! Everyone is welcomed!

Thank youuuu @usagiomega

What ability would you have in the BSD universe?

(That one's hard~!)

Melodic Speed: The more I listen to music the faster and agile I get. Pretty simple, I like simple. It could get to the point that others are unable to see me because I'm that fast. (I combined two things I do most often, listening to music and being slow. Totally not inspired by Hamatora.)

If you could claim someone's ability in BSD, whose ability would you want?

(Don't say Chuuya's, don't say Chuuya's)

I'm really tempted by Edgar's ability. To trap people in books until they solve the mystery inside? I'd say dope! That would also make me write more as I have a few people I'd like to trap, just for fun~

What group/organization would you join?

Port Mafia for sure as I'm a villain at heart but still want to have a reliable and strong family around me. Also because I can wear a lot of black. But Mori can stay locked in his room.

Which BSD character do you identify with the most?

Honestly Ranpo. I do the exact same things that he does, laze around and eat baked goods. But that's only on the outside.

On the inside I identify with Chuuya a lot. Him hating betrayals is something that hits too close to home. Him wanting to protect Port Mafia that took him in after his previous group pushed him away. Him being loyal as heck not even knowing if he'll be able to stay forever or not. Like I said, hits too close to home.

Who are your top five favourite BSD characters?

(Surprise surprise)

Dazai: The very first time he appeared I took him for an asshole, which he kinda is. But then I quickly grew to like him as I was getting interested in his character on a deeper level. I like his two faced personality, he acts derpy and cute only to turn into a mischievous sadist that he truly is. The Dark Era also made me gain respect and much more love for him.

Chuuya: He introduced me to BSD when I first saw him in this MEP (bless and R.I.P MDS). So in 2016! I even remember watching BSD during Christmas Eve dinner under the table! Not gonna lie, his looks hooked me in. When I finally got him after so many episodes I was interested even more. He has some history with my boy Dazai? Show me, tell me! Until recently I've been thirsty for some more Chuuya and got it in the new season, I'm still gonna read the actual light novel though. But nonetheless, I'm satisfied. I actually hope BONES doesn't make him an another main character because I like him as he is. I like redhead hotheads like Chuuya or Taiga Kagami. Also, I was already a huge fan of GRANRODEO in 2016 so hearing Kishow was a blessing. All thanks to Kuroko no Basket. ♡

Oda: His precious heart made me love him! He just wanted to write, to take care of the kids. Each time I remember my heart cries a river. And each time something new comes to the BSD universe with him in it I love it but also can't take it.

MANGA SPOILERS

Tecchou: First of all, I really like the concept of Hunting Dogs. Second of all, this boy is precious. Justice fighter who respects people that want to protect others. The whole scene with the cafe owner moved my freaking heart, I kid you not. Unlike other members of the Hunting Dogs he doesn't want to bring down ADA just because they're supposed criminals but because it's his job to keep the country and it's people safe. And so he's doing it, no matter what he must do. I'm pretty sure that if he would find out the truth he'll try to stop his teammates and explain who's the real villain here. I hope it happens! His habits are also hilarious.

(Translation by Dazaiscans of course.)

Michizou: I don't know if I can count him as a "favorite" yet but I really liked what Asagiri-sensei and Harukawa-sensei did with him. The reveal is one of my favorite manga scenes ever! I'm looking forward to seeing more of him as I was dying to since I started watching BSD. I won't forgive him for hurting Gin though, that's one huge minus.

(Translation by Dazaiscans of course.)

Are there any authors that you'd want to bring into the BSD universe that hasn't arrived yet? Or do you have OCs?

Oh boy, here we go!

I do have one author that I think would fit very well. He's a polish poet from a romanticism era (my fave) that wrote poems, epics, ballads. His name is Adam Mickiewicz ladies and gents. Why do I think he would fit? Well, he was born in Poland that didn't actually exist and people were fighting for its freedom. So fight was already in his blood which he later on proved by becoming a commander in a battle. He was in a lot of conspiracy groups. And because of that I feel like fitting in BSD is just a matter of what kind of organization is he going to be in. He even had contact and made friends with Russian Decemberists, made enemies with Pushkin (who already is in BSD). If Adam would be in BSD I believe he'd have contact with the Rats before they fled to Japan. And because of his conspiracy origins I say he spied on the Rats from within. As for his ability I believe it would be some fighting type one as real life Adam took part in battles. I wanted to give him an ability that has something to do with his play "Dziady" but I haven't really decided yet.

Favourite Scene(s)?

Anime

Dazai floating in river; Dazai nullifying Atsushi's ability; Chuuya's reveal; Atsushi and Akutagawa fighting Fitzgerald; Atsushi hugging Kyouka; Any scene with Oda; Any scene with 15 year old Chuuya and Osamu except for the hand holding one; Fyodor killing Karma, (I'm so sorry)

Manga

Chuuya shooting bullets using gravity; Tachihara's reveal; Yosano's backstory; Mori and Fukuzawa's fight; Fukuzawa and Fukuchi scene; Any Tecchou scene; Hunting Dogs being chaotic; Chuuya getting tired and punching everyone; Dazai getting shot; Edgar getting scared by his ringtone; Dazai and Fyodor in a chess duel; Any Sigma scene.

(Translation by Dazaiscans of course.)

Favourite Quotes from the Authors/Characters?

(Thank Gods there's bsd-bibliophile~ Great help!)

Mine has been a life of much shame.

- Dazai Osamu, No Longer Human

To love someone is to put your life on the line. I don't take it lightly.

- Dazai Osamu, "Female" from Self Portraits

Bad people are to be found everywhere, but even among the worst there may be something good.

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Фёдор Достоевский), The House of the Dead

It is better to be unhappy and know the worst, than to be happy in a fool's paradise.

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Фёдор Достоевский), The Idiot

A fool with a heart and no sense is just as unhappy as a fool with sense and no heart.

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Фёдор Достоевский), The Idiot

(I'm currently reading Dostoyevsky in my literature class sooo)

Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it.

- L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Because when you are imagining, you might as well imagine something worth while.

- L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

People laugh at me because I use big words. But if you have big ideas, you have to use big words to express them, haven't you?

- L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

(One of my favorite books ever)

That threw me for a loop...is that my ringtone?

- Edgar Allan Poe getting scared by his ringtone, Chapter 55

(I had to)

Certainly, people are sinfully stupid. But what's so wrong about that?

- Dazai Osamu, Chapter 46

(Can I wait till Friday for that? I'll try)

Who would you want to bring to life to be your best friend? Waifu/Husbando?

There are a lot but I'm gonna go classic and say Chuuya. I'd love to make fun of him for being shorter than me and watch him go berserk. Like I said, I'm a villain at heart. I love him tons though! Dazai is also a pick as he's already very similar to my best friend. I have weird friends.

How has Bungou Stray Dogs changed you as a person? Did you learn anything from it?

I learned that I strive to write as good as Asagiri-sensei because his writing is amazing in my opinion. BSD also introduced me to a ton of Japanese authors as it's the case with most of its watchers. And even though I don't have a lot of time to read their books now (school and grade chasing as I only have 3 weeks to improve them), I'm going to read EVERYTHING I CAN during summer vacations. Good luck to me~

[donnerpartyofone]

sometime last september i had a bad cold with an ear infection. a bunch of fluid built up in my ear and never went away. i saw a doctor who suggested it would just disappear on its own, but that it could take three or four months. i took some antibiotics then, which didn’t help. he didn’t seem to consider it a problem. after a couple of months i came back, same deal. he gave me some anti-inflammatory nasal spray and some ear drops, which didn’t help. then i found a new gp and described the problem to her. she stuck her ear thing in my ear, wagged it around, and then just turned around and never discussed it with me in any way.

incidentally, i was seeing that second doctor because i was convinced i was dying from lung cancer. my mother was suddenly diagnosed with stage four lung cancer when she was my age and given a couple of months to live. (she surprised everybody by living for three or four years, which in my estimation was a lot worse than if she had just died right away) i found a gp who specialized in lung disease and explained that i have consistently restricted breathing in one lung that does not fluctuate in any way, and has been going on for a long time. well, my chest x-rays came back clear and i don’t have any other symptoms, so she just put me on some asthma inhalers. i had bad asthma as a kid, and this unceasing one-sided shortness of breath doesn’t resemble that in any way, but my doctor didn’t seem to give a shit about figuring out what was wrong with me as long as the inhalers seemed to be managing the symptoms. i felt like a theme was emerging when i told her about my ear, and she seemed to just look for whatever specific thing she would consider a problem, and when she didn’t see it, she just changed the subject.

so, naturally, i found a new gp. i went because my scripts for my inhalers were running out, and i didn’t want go back to the other doctor to get them renewed. mercifully (i guess although i’m really not dying to keep seeing more and more doctors), my new doctor is sending me for fresh x-rays and referring me to a pulmonologist. i also told her about my ear, and she checked me out and saw all this fluid behind my eardrum. she said this is very common, and might be there “forever”. it could be because of my naturally humongous tonsils, which is a pretty disgusting thing to hear about myself for some reason, or it could be allergy inflammation that’s contributing to the blockage. so the main thing i have to do is stop trying to pop my ear, which i want to do every second of every minute that i’m conscious, because it’s clearly, painfully wearing down my jaw. also, now i get to add an allergy pill to the 23 (24 depending on what’s going on) pills i need to take every day to manage other stuff. 

the “other stuff” is mostly one condition, which is that my system processes copper so poorly that the buildup of this psychoactive metal in my system makes me chronically depressed, anxious, fearful and angry. nutrient therapy is a lot better than being hooked on opiodes...i think? but the number of things i have to take to avoid that is exhausting, and means that i spend an hour or two a day feeling like i’m going to throw up while i digest everything, which isn’t exactly a mood booster.

anyway, my new gp has also referred me to an ENT, which appointment can’t happen soon enough because sometime around 3am yesterday, i developed a loud ringing in the affected ear that will not go away, and by all accounts, might never go away. this is not the first time this week that i was told one of my senses will be permanently impaired for no particularly good reason. a few years ago, i had to have surgery and localized chemotherapy to remove some pathological scar tissue growing across my corneas. it hasn’t come back (although it might), probably thanks in part to the chemo, but now i have a buildup of surgical scar tissue on one eye that is causing glare and spots, and according to my cornea specialist, that’s just the new normal. the few treatments options are considered high risk for little reward, i guess.

depression has a way of casting you as a problematic person in the public eye: someone who is oversensitive, looking for attention, being negative, and refusing to deal with their problems in a mature way (because according to people who don’t really have problems, all problems go away if you just adjust your bad attitude). now, i hate going to the doctor because my experience of autism makes me cry and panic like i’ve been raped if anyone touches me without my specific emotional invitation. also, it’s very hard for me to think of any experience i’ve ever had with a doctor where something was explained to me satisfyingly, or where i got treatment that really worked--as opposed to me just coming out the other end, terrorized and humiliated, sitting there in a puddle of my own various fear fluids thinking, “wait a minute, WHY THE FUCK did i let them do all that random shit to me??” to wit: a couple of years where i submitted myself to a doctor to have core samples regularly, painfully, frighteningly drilled out of my cervix because of some abnormal test results. whatever’s going on COULD be precancerous, i was told. well, what else “could” it be, i asked? they just shrugged, and one day they told me they weren’t seeing the abnormality anymore and they didn’t have to keep mutilating me. so...i could have just been sitting on the couch this whole time? why did i do this, when i don’t even have any particular faith in treatment anyway? but, i keep doing to the doctor(s), because i’ve had it drilled into my head that it’s the “responsible” thing to do, and it will prove to the world that i’m a “positive” person who tries to find “mature” solutions to my problems. that makes it extra frustrating when nothing comes of it, other than the damning confirmation that nothing about me is really working that well, and it’s not going to.

of course, on top of the fact that my problems are not really manageable in any substantial way, there’s the added psychological pressure that comes from people not seeing your problems as problems. exactly one half of my face is affected by rosacea, making it extra obvious that something is wrong with me. having tried everything else that is supposed to manage my symptoms--including two different treatments that are “magic bullets” for 99% of sufferers, both of which made me react so badly that i looked like i’d been attacked by wasps--i decided to take the plunge on my last option, an extremely expensive battery of painful and kind of scary laser treatments. i had the last one this month. i’m not seeing any difference at all, and in fact i’m not sure it didn’t make things worse. no insurance really covers treatment for rosacea because it’s considered a cosmetic problem, even though it results in broken blood vessels and progressive thickening of the skin that anybody would consider a medical problem if they saw it in action. i can already see what’s going on in the mirror, and trying not to notice is not an option.

i realize, as i’m sure many people will be quick to tell me, that i’m actually very lucky. i do not have any “real problems”. i’m performing the basic life problems of a human being just fine. but i have to say, just to stick up for myself, that there is something really special about just having a collection of unrelated problems that just amount to, like, a bunch of bullshit. i have friends who have had, or currently have, really major life challenges--horrifying circumstances or conditions with which they have had to wage a heroic battle. of course i don’t envy them, but at the risk of sounding really incredibly petty, at least they made some kind of sense. the dragon arrives at your door, and it’s cancer, or hiv, or a neurological disorder, or a flesh-and-bone-eating disease; you don your armor and fight the good fight, or prepare to die with dignity, or in the worst case scenario, you just regular-die, but everybody totally understands it as a tragedy. there’s some kind of logic to it all, even if it’s completely unfair and arbitrary in the outing. it’s different when you just have a bunch of bullshit, none of which anybody thinks is a problem individually, and there’s no reason for it. your eye is just kind of shitty and your skin is just kind of shitty and your lung is just kind of shitty and your ear is just kind of shitty and your ovaries are just kind of shitty and your mental health is just kind of shitty (for chronic physiological reasons). so therefore, looking at things is just kind of shitty and having people look at you is just kind of shitty and hearing things is just kind of shitty and really, just being awake and alive is just kind of shitty. and there’s no narrative here, it’s not you versus your virus or you versus your mutating cells or something. it’s just you versus the fact that you’re just, like, kind of a fucking lemon. if your body were a car, you’d get rid of it, and just take the bus from now on. or stop going anywhere altogether.

when i’m not fighting off a violent reaction to my mounting collection of bullshit problems, i’m usually trying to find some meaning to my life. it’s hard to do. i’m not brilliantly intelligent or talented in any way that would make my career into the point of my life. i’m also not going to start a family (which would be a huge challenge for me anyway because of problems with my reproductive system), so that’s out. because of my anhedonia, i can’t really live for pleasure either--a fact which is surely compacted by the way that all of my individual parts seem committed to making any and all sensory input at least sort-of annoying, if not infuriating and claustrophobia-inducing. when it’s just me and my depression, i often think, “god, i really wish i could just achieve something in this life, then all this agonizing would be worth it.” i usually wind up reaffirming that i’m just an ordinary person, i’m not even very good at my hobbies or very knowledgable about my passions, there’s no chance that doing something special with my time on earth is going to save me. but then, of course, there’s my shitty, shitty, shitty physical condition. the only thing i really ever accomplish is preventing myself from screaming.

i realize that many people might want to frame stopping yourself from screaming as an accomplishment in and of itself. when you’re really challenged in life, you have to remember your context. like, one guy might be climbing the corporate ladder, and he has to face the challenge of competition and seizing opportunities and stuff; but when you’re, say, me, not-screaming can be a legitimately equivalent effort that you should be proud of winning at. both my best shrink and my worst shrink have tried to warn me off of comparing myself to others--to noticing, constantly, that compared to pretty much everyone i know i’m really defective, and in fact i’m way behind my peers developmentally because i have to struggle so hard just to get through my fucking day without ruining anything or taking a break for pure suffering. part of the reason to avoid comparing yourself to others is what i was just getting at, that you want to have an authentic sense of your own suffering without using an irrelevant-to-you method of measurement. the other part of it is that you don’t want to delude yourself into thinking that you are the only person who suffers, or that your suffering is the most extreme. my first/worst shrink approached this in a pretty hilarious way: she suggested that maybe ALL of my friends have ALL the same problems as me, they just haven’t mentioned it. first of all, this just shows a real ignorance of how many great complainers i know. but secondly, it suggests a world in which my closest friends have stood by while scars grow over my eyeballs and half my face burns and swells and my ovaries constantly invite painful degrading examinations and threaten cancer and my lung never opens all the way and my ear rings deafeningly et at ad nauseam, and they just...don’t say anything to me. for some reason my dearest companions just don’t feel like offering me support or solidarity or advice from their supposed rich experience, or even venting their own frustrations to an ear they know for a fact is sympathetic, even if it doesn’t hear too well. it’s an extra bizarre idea that still makes me laugh, when i’m not screaming.

now i have to get ready for today’s doctor’s appointment, the fifth of what i think will turn out to be eight this month, not including psychiatric appointments. it’s not for my ear, but i’ll definitely be bringing that up again, because i think i need to add an anti-anxiety prescription to my armory of pills, because i don’t think i’m going to make it through this experience without altering my chemistry until i just don’t give a fuck about anything that happens to me. plus i need to find out if tinnitus is its own thing, or if it is definitely always a symptom of hearing loss (that is, a deteriorating ability to perceive sound, as opposed to an incredibly loud internal sound that you just naturally notice more than other external sounds that you are still technically capable of perceiving). a minute ago, my husband got up and started stalking around our tiny apartment suspiciously. i thought he must have seen a bug, but he’s looking for the source of a weird noise that must be coming from our large mac tower, a couple of feet away. i absolutely cannot hear it at all.

[gffa]

What are your favorite time travel fanfics?

Hi!  I LOVE TIME TRAVEL FICS, as you can see, and Star Wars fandom is really good for them!  I have a set of time travel recs here (though, there are some that I’ve read since or haven’t yet read that aren’t on that list, so don’t take it as complete, for all that it’s monster length already!), but my primer of WHERE TO START would be:  (MORE UNDER THE CUT)

✦ Shadows of the Future by stormqueen873, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & cast, 129.3k 

  ObiWan lost the duel on Mustafar, but instead of dying, he finds himself on a ship leaving Tatooine, with his old Master and a familiar young boy. As events begin to unfold, can he stop the future he knows from occuring?

It’s softer and fluffier than I usually go for in the beginning, but once the fic gets into its swing I was absolutely hooked on it and read it in just a handful of sittings. The emotional payoffs, when they happen, were incredibly satisfying for me and it was a pure, giant ball of big, fluffy fix-it with some emotionally cathartic releases along the way.  I read this early on in my SW fic reading time and I will always hold fond memories of it!✦ time to change the road you’re on by wreckageofstars, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & cast, 37.4k

  The end of the Clone War is near - the fall of the Republic even nearer. Anakin Skywalker, caught up in the events that lead to the rise of the Empire and the loss of everything he holds dear, finds himself sent nearly two decades into the future.

This is, at its heart, an Ahsoka story with Anakin playing an incredibly important role, and it was ALL ABOUT forcing these characters into a situation where they had the breathing room and nudging needed to talk through some shit and it’s so very, very cathartic for that.  My favorites were the scenes with Obi-Wan (well, they would be) but the whole thing was beautifully done.

✦ The Dark Path Lit by Sun and Stars by A_Delicate_Fury, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & luke & leia & cody & cast, time travel, 27.7k wip 

  After a disaster on the cosmic scale that Obi-Wan is still trying to wrap his mind around, he finds himself back in the early days of the Clone Wars, Commander Cody loyally at his side, Anakin at his back, and Sidious plotting against the Jedi at every turn. He’s been given an unasked for chance to do everything over again. And with the Force as his ally, he intends to set the galaxy on a brighter path than its current trajectory.

Oh, this one is gorgeous, the characterization is spot-on (there were moments of Obi-Wan characterization that made me want to weep for how much I fell in love all over again, through subtle gestures and the sheer amount of good that he is) and it’s done in an interesting way and I am so, so eager for more.  The reunion was satisfying, but yet there’s still so much excitement about what’s to come and it really is an amazing fic.✦ Soldier, Poet, King by Glare, obi-wan/anakin & qui-gon & mace & dooku & palpatine & cast, sith!obi-wan, NSFW, 102.5k wip 

  Second chances are very rarely given, but the Force smiles upon two of its favorite children and returns them to a time before their actions have met their consequences. Anakin Skywalker, also known as Darth Vader, seeks redemption while Obi-Wan “Ben” Kenobi, disillusioned with the Jedi Order and its Code, falls to the Darkness.

SPK is one of the first fics I read with the trope of Soft Sith characters and I fell in love with the concept of it (thanks to this and wicked thing) and it’s still one of those that I will be forever fond of, because it really knew how to write tension being built up and then resolved in a satisfying way, while still keeping the plot moving forward and giving me my Obikin feelings!  As much as I love so many of Glare’s fics, this one will probably always be #1 in my heart just because it made such an impression on me and was so very much fun to read and got in all sorts of tropes that I love (time travel! fun Sith antics! a very mild d/s relationship at times! all things I ate up!).✦ The Exchange by MissLearn, obi-wan & anakin & some anakin/padme & ahsoka & qui-gon & rex & cast, time travel, 77k wip 

  ROTS Obi-Wan and Anakin are swapped with their younger, TPM, selves. It changes things, in both parallels.

This is another I was catching up on today and I’m always sad when I get to the end of what’s been posted because it’s such an incredibly solid story that hits on exactly what I want.  There are a lot of typos and such, but the characterization really gets who these characters are, it’s all about the various connections between the different versions of Obi-Wan and Anakin, it deeply cares about both of them and mending or clarifying things from both sides and, oh, the most recent chapter had an incredible scene about emotions and stuff that I just glowed after reading!  It’s one of those that I would happily, happily sit here and read another 100k of if you gave it to me and not come back up until I was done.

✦ Threads of the Past by Magier74, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & xanatos, 37.8k

 Obi-Wan and Anakin make an unexpected detour returning home from a mission.

This is a fic that I wound up really liking for how much better it made me feel–maybe not in the way I hoped for or expected, but still gave me something that really helped with the crushing angst SW sometimes delivers.  Obi-Wan and Anakin travel back in time to meet Qui-Gon and Padawan Obi-Wan is a thing that should happen more often!✦ Futurus (-a -um) by cadesama, obi-wan/anakin/padme & cast, time travel, 60.8k wip 

  Cracked hyperdrive? No problem. Just hold it together with the Force. Time travel? Well. That could be a bigger problem.

I haven’t reread this one in ages, but it was actually one of the early fics I read, when I was pretty Anidala-only and it sort of helped me ease into the idea of Obikin and Obianidala, in addition to having a fun plot!  A really good, solid read!✦ White Rabbits by Butterfly, obi-wan/anakin & luke & leia & han & cast, NSFW, time travel, 102.5k wip 

  Through the Force, everything is connected. Anakin and Obi-Wan find this out first-hand.

I read this really quickly and it’s still hard for me to believe that it was over 100k, because it did not feel that long to me!  It’s just as much about Obi-Wan and Anakin being in the future and trying to puzzle their way through all of this as it is about Anakin’s terrible love life (freaking out about Padme, his feelings for Obi-Wan coming to a head) and it’s been awhile since it updated, but what’s there is really worth reading!✦ Reprise by Elfpen, obi-wan & anakin & qui-gon & cast, time travel, 357.3k wip

Ben Kenobi dies aboard the Death Star in the year 0 BBY. He wakes up shortly thereafter in the Jedi temple in the year 41 BBY. Haunted by memories and regret, Ben must forge a new path for himself in the Jedi Order of his youth while navigating the murky waters of time travel. Crafting a better future from bitter experience is hard, but learning to heal is even harder. Major AU.

I haven’t read all of Reprise yet (not for lack of desire, just time/it got buried on my reader) but I’ve enjoyed everything of Elfpen’s that I’ve read so far and this one is nice and long and I’ve heard nothing but good about it!✦ Ouroboros by bedlamsbard, obi-wan/anakin/padme, time travel, 458.6k wip

Considering that he had picked up what was probably a Sith artifact, promptly passed out in the middle of a war zone, and apparently woken up twenty years in the future with Obi-Wan having taken up residence in his head, Anakin thought he was entitled to have a few questions.

I’ve only read Wake the Storm so far, so I can’t vouch for the others, but I liked that one a lot and it was well-written and does a nice slow burn on the Obi-Wan/Anakin front and has them traveling through time and seeing different worlds in a really fun, engaging way!

[echelonlab-blog]

Reigning Madness – Chapter 75

Masterlist

Disclaimer: Fiction.

Warnings: Smut

Tagging: @hazeleyedleto @msroxyblog @letojokerownsme @miss-shannanigans @snewsome756   @maliciousalishious   @nikkitasevoli@meghan12151977 @mindlessselfindulgence88 @sanellv@ambolton@jayded-reality @bradlea23@spillinginkwithlove@alexis7215@dezmarz@pezziecoyote@whoistheprettiest@avaj99@iridescxntsolitude@pheenixpeterson@guccilowell@blondiefrommars @rowen1976​

Caroline’s POV:

When we got to the hotel Emma met us in the lobby and quickly ushered Sasha and me off to our suite where she had everything set up to get the two brides ready. The dresses she had assembled were breathtaking, far more formal and extravagant than I had pictured but Sasha and I were both able to find pieces we were happy with. There was a woman there to do our hair and makeup and by the time we were ready it was beginning to feel like a fairy tale. I couldn't stop dabbing at my eyes. How on earth had I gotten so lucky, to fall so deeply in love with someone that had been right under my nose all these years?

My dad and Sasha's brother Rob showed up to usher us downstairs when we were ready. They were in matching tuxes and looked so handsome. My father gave me a big hug and told me how proud he was of me, what an amazing woman I had grown into, and we both had a short cry as we stood outsisde the doors of the small ballroom that had been reserved for us. We heard music starting inside and then the doors parted and I let out an audible gasp. The small room was awash in white bunting, fairy lights and garland and our families were gathered around in a big circle with Jason and Jared and the officiant in the center. Suddenly my heart was in my throat and the only thing I could see was Jared, standing there in a white tuxedo, as dumbstruck with me as I was with him. He mouthed a “Wow” as I stepped in front of him I could feel my eyes moistening again. I hoped that makeup artist had used good mascara or I was going to be a mess.

I couldn't tell you a word of what was said during the ceremony. Someone handed me a wedding band, and nudged me when it was time to say “I do,” but for those few minutes, my whole world existed in Jared's eyes. He had started off as a friend, driven me to blind fury and, in the end, captured my heart completely. Being with him felt as natural as breathing, and I couldn't even begin to imagine being without him now that we had found out how good we were together.

   Once the ceremony concluded we all hugged and laughed and posed for endless pictures as things were rearranged and dinner was brought in. Everyone seemed to be having a great time and got along very well and as I looked around our table my heart warmed with the realization that this was my family now. My father kept clapping Jared on the back and our mothers cried and laughed and reminisced. I had to pull Shannon off my sister three times, every time he'd get a little drunker he'd forget he had been told not to touch and finally Rob dragged hi+m out into the hallway and had a “chat” with him and that was the end of it. I thin+k Christina enjoyed the attention, even if she was making eyes at Rob most of +the time. She'd nursed a crush on him since middle school and when he ca+me to her rescue it didn't exactly dampen the flame. As soon as the dancing s+tarted Jared took advantage of the commotion to slip us into the hallway.+

   “Jared, th+ey're going to notice we're gone,” I protested as he cupped my cheek in his han+d.

   “Shhh,” he said as he brushed his mouth against mine. “It's our wedding night. They expect us to disappear.”

   “They expect us to leave, not sneak off without even saying goodnight.”

   “You want to go back in there?” he asked, making another pass against my lips. I groaned. Of course, he knew once he started kissing me I would melt like I always did. Still, my father was just on the other side of those doors...

   “At least let me tell my parents good night,” I suggested. Jared sighed but held the door open for me.

   Thankfully they didn't keep us with long goodbyes and in minutes we were resuming our getaway, wrapped around each other in the elevator while the floors dinged past. I was so worried someone would join us in the tiny space and recognize Jared, blowing our chance at an incognito weekend but we remained uninterrupted and before I knew it Jared was jamming his key card into the slot and carrying me through the door into the honeymoon suite.

   “Oh, Jared,” I gasped once I had tumbled loose from his grasp. The room was palatial, much like that first suite we had shared on tour, the one that had captivated me the minute we set foot in it. There were enormous floor to ceiling windows that looked out onto the city below and it twinkled back at us in all its glory. From this far away it lost that gaudy glare that I had always associated with Las Vegas and softened into something warmer and more magical, like Christmas lights during an early snow. I stood in the middle of the room taking it all in as Jared stepped up behind me, his hand at the small of my back.

   “I'm glad you like it,” he said as he nibbled at the curve of my neck. “Only the best for Mrs. Leto.”

   I turned in his embrace and clasped my arms around his neck. “Thank you, Mr. Leto. Not just for the room, but for everything. It was perfect.”

   Jared just smiled and kissed me again, drawing my lip softly between his while he cradled my face in his hands. I thought briefly it would have been nice to have the photographer up here, just for a moment, to capture us still in our wedding finery in front of those beautiful windows, but then Jared's  hands were traveling down my back and I realized I needed to get out of that gown now, before lust clouded my head and something happened to ruin it.

   I thought it had taken forever to get into it but it seemed like it took an eternity and a half to undo all the little pearl buttons down the back and step out of yards of silver embroidered lace and crinoline. I carefully laid It over the back of the sofa and Jared quickly shed the fussier bits of his tux and placed them alongside my gown. Without a word he scooped me up again, carrying me out of the living area and into the bedroom, lying me across the bed with a sigh.

   He first removed his shirt then settled himself over me, nestling himself between my legs and smoothing my hair from my face. My stomach fluttered and suddenly I felt like a shy teenager again, being touched for the first time. I had never had a romanticized notion of marriage, I hadn't been one of those girls that collected bridal magazines and fantasized about walking down the aisle into domestic bliss. I was a bit more matter of fact than that, so it surprised me now how differently I felt knowing that this man who's mouth was currently nibbling its way across my collarbone was my husband. This brilliant, funny, kind, charming, gorgeous man had stood up with me in front of our families and friends and pledged to make a life with me, to stand by my side and weather whatever comes, and I loved him impossibly for it.

   “I love you,” I whispered as his mouth drifted lower, his fingers hooking in the lace of my bra and pulling it aside so his teeth could graze against my nipple. My stomach knotted with lust at the sensation and I let out a deep moan and arched my back. “I hope you know how completely, totally, hopelessly in love with you I am, Mr. Leto,” I purred as I knotted my fingers into his hair, pulling it loose from the slicked back attempt at normality he made today, pomegranate tips spilling across my skin.

   “I love you more,” he said, coming back to my mouth, his tongue pressing forward to find my own before pulling away with a sigh. “You are the most miraculous thing that has ever happened to me, Mrs. Leto.”

   Our fingers found their way through buttons and clasps, peeling away the last of our clothing until we were pressed together, flesh to flesh, Jared's hands at the small of my back pulling me against him, my legs locked together behind him. Our mouths explored each others as he circled his hips slowly, his hard shaft sliding through my slick folds, rubbing across my clit and driving me insane with need. “Jared, please,” I whimpered, raising my hips up until I was coming off the bed. “

   Jared lifted himself enough to reach between us and guide his rigid length into my waiting depths before stretching against me again, one hand coming up to tangle with my own, the other cupping my breast. His forehead fell against mine as he slowly pushed forward, filling me completely before he withdrew with a shudder, his breath measured in time with his thrusts. It was a perfect union of our bodies and I breathed him in as my flesh pebbled and my muscles began to quake. I knew we had a lifetime to make our bed together now, and there were so many sinful, base, delicious things I wanted to do with this man, but for now, I needed this, I needed to connect with him, and he needed that too.

   We allowed time for everything to build slowly, our bodies lost in that overall caress, but eventually there was no holding back the dam and I shattered around him, my body gripping his even more tightly as I cried out his name over and over. He followed me over the edge at almost the same moment, swelling and emptying himself inside me with a groan, professing his love for me again as he breathed raggedly against my throat.

   After everything said in the heat of passion, we were content to lie together quietly afterward, our hands twined together across his chest, rings catching the soft light coming in from the next room. It had been a long journey to this moment, and a long day to celebrate that journey and the one to come, and I slipped off to sleep, to dream of the magic of the mundane, morning coffee, and rainy Sundays, washing dishes and sorting laundry, holiday dinners and late night refrigerator raids, all permanently changed by virtue of being shared with the man beside me.