#sadie has mental illness

[queen-beefcake-sqx]

I hate it when it’s visibly obvious to people around me that I’m struggling. Makes me want to hiss like a cat and hide under the bed.

[collapsedglasshouses]

An Angel For Noah || Noah Sebastian x OC [Part 10]

DIVIDER ART WORK BY @cafekitsune

PAIRING: Noah Sebastian x Jules [she/her]

MASTERPOST

SUMMARY: Jules and Noah finally face their difficulies, leading to them letting down their guards.

WARNINGS: ANGST, NSFW, MDNI, fingering, unprotected sex (p in v) [does it even count as unprotected, she is a fucking guardian angel idk], even more angst, swearing, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of death, ...

A/N: I cried. A lot. :) Also! I'd like to dedicate this chapter to @crimson-calligraphyx because I accidentally gave Jules' best friend her name in the exact same spelling as her own name! ALSO... this is not proofread... i'm sorry about that ._.

TAGLIST: @trvshdxddy @blackveilomens @crimson-calligraphyx @measuredingold @cncohshit @signs-of-ill-portent @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @ada-clarence @wild-child-7747 @thebadchic @thescarlettvvitch @cookiesupplier

Keep in mind, this takes place in an alternative universe. Even though I write about real people, the way I write them has nothing to do with how they are in real life.

“What am I doing?” Jules asked herself while looking at Noah’s sleeping figure. It’s been three hours since he had finally fallen asleep and Jules felt numb. Her heartbeat took some time to slow down a bit, but her mind was still racing as fast as it gets. She couldn’t get the image of him trying to climb over the balcony railing out of her head. She knew he wasn’t doing well but she didn’t realize it had been that bad. He needed help she couldn’t give him.

Every time she considered a strategy to help him, she couldn't follow through with it. The idea of merely returning to exist in his shadows appeared more impossible than ever. All of her past actions seemed like a lot of bad decisions. The fact that she now also had promised him to talk about the situation and see him again, made her feel even more at unease.

Her gaze remained fixed on Noah, and she felt a wave of nausea. It seemed impossible to get herself out of the situation. She didn’t want to leave him; he needed support, and she was determined to find a way to help him overcome his misery.

TWO WEEKS LATER

When Noah opened the door to his room, a deep sigh escaped him. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than usual, and he found himself in a state of uncertainty. It had been a while since he last saw Jules. She didn't come to talk to him as she had promised, and although he yearned to resolve things, he understood it might be for the best.

He had phoned his therapist as soon as he woke up and made an appointment for after the tour. After that he went on and did his best. He performed as good as he could and even though the tour had been successful he was more than glad that it had ended.

His therapy session had just ended and now he didn't really know what to do. He was angry with himself that he let his intrusive thoughts get a hold of him back than but when he was being honest with himself he was even more disappointed that Jules didn't show up as she promised.

When he sat down at his desk, his phone suddenly vibrated.

ONE NEW NOTIFICATION FROM SADIE

He hadn't heard from her since that night he almost had a car accident while driving to her.

Sadie: What's up? You wanna meet up?

Noah stared at the message and began to bite the inside of his cheek. It wasn't like he didn't like her or something but since he met Jules, he hadn't thought of Sadie even once.

He sighed before laying down his phone again. This was dumb. He was acting dumb. He had this really nice girl waiting for him and he would have the advantage of getting rid of some stress, but he preferred to sit there and mourn his damn guardian angel. He wasn't even remotely sure what he was hoping to get out of it.

So, he stood up and grabbed his jacket and right as he was about to leave his room, he felt a hand on his shoulder and simultaneously his anger level seemed to explode.

"You can't be serious?" He blurted out and spun around to look at Jules. She looked terrible, if he could even say that. If she would still have been alive, he would have said she hadn't slept in a while.

"Noah-..." - "No! No fucking 'Noah'." - "I-..." - "Shut up, you didn't talk then and now I don't want to hear your excuses!"

He tried to turn around but Jules grabbed both of his shoulders to make him look at her. "You know damn well how difficult this whole thing is" Jules exclaimed and tried to suppress her tears.

"No, Jules. It isn't really difficult to just show up and talk." He answered her, ignoring his desire to touch her.

"You seem to forget who the fuck I am, Noah! I'm not even supposed to be here." She snarled at him.

"Then go." Noah answered coldly before getting out of her grip and storming of. He didn't even stop when he passed Nick who gave him a confused look.

He didn't allow him to think anything until he drove out of the drive way. Screams from the music echoed through his car as he gribbed the steering wheel harder. He couldn't believe this whole fucked up shit was happening as if he didn't already have enough to deal with.

When he left the neighborhood, he suddenly felt at unease and could just roll his eyes. "This isn't working, Jules. I'll still leave."

Nobody answered him. He was furious.

His knuckles slowly began to turn white from his hard grip on the steering wheel as he suddenly let out a frustrated groan and turned around as soon as he saw the last gas station before he would reach Sadie's house.

“Fuck off.” Noah shouted into the darkness. He couldn’t believe how much Jules had him in his grip. The last couple of days he tried his utter best to clear his head, get things sorted out, work on the problems that already consumed his mind, but Jules was the one thing that never left him. He couldn’t escape her, and he hated her for that.

“You need to stop, Jules.” He screamed and still, there was no answer. So, when he re-entered the house and stormed to his room, he was about to trash his room when he saw Jules sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He screamed at her, causing her to flinch.

“What are you talking about?” She wanted to know, not even caring to look up at his angered face. She really didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Oh, come on, Jules.” He answered her and started pacing up and down the room. He needed to let go. He needed to get rid of his piled-up frustration.

She slowly stood up from his bed, her eyes following his wandering figure. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what he wanted. But she knew her following spiteful comment didn’t ease the tension. “Enjoyed your trip?”

Noah stopped in his tracks. “You can’t be fucking serious, Jules.” – “Care to explain your psychotic outburst?”

When Noah looked at Jules like that, he didn't realize how exhausted she appeared.

Instead of answered her, he began to shake his head unamused. “You know exactly what you did.” – “You’re insane.” – “OF FUCKING COURSE… I’m talking to my fucking guardian angel who seems to have a great jealousy issue.”

Jules' brow furrowed as she processed what Noah had just yelled at her. His eyes sparkled with a slight hint of madness. A couple of seconds passed, before Jules finally realized what Noah was trying to tell her.

“You think I made you turn around from your booty call?” Jules wanted to know from him.

“I don’t think it, I know it and I need to know why.” Noah answered her and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Jules blinked a couple of seconds and felt a wave of relieve wash over her. “I hate to break it to you, Noah… But I wasn’t even following you.”

Jules looked into Noah’s eyes and saw how confusion washed over him. He wasn’t sure what he should believe anymore. He let out a frustrated sigh before he sat down at the edge of his bed, Jules eyes following him with concern.

"Why didn't you talk to me like you promised?" He asked her after a couple of minutes of silence, his eyes finally meeting hers.

Jules' heart sank at his broken frame. She didn't know what to say. She knew she had been a coward but she just wanted him to forget about her.

"This is all so confusing, Noah. I feel like we always run in circles." She breathed out and sat down next to him. "I think it would be best for me to just go back into your shadows, Noah. I'm making your live even harder than it already is."

Noah, deciding to ignore her statement, turned his upper body to her, "You need to tell me something, Jules."

She looked into his dark brown eyes which sparked with curiosity. Every time she dared to glance at him like that, she felt like she was going to crumble under his gaze. "What is it, Noah?" Her voice was not more than a whisper, both of them scared to ruin the moment like they did so often in the past.

"Did you feel it, too?" He calmly wanted to know and Jules heart rate increased rapidly. He didn’t even have to explain what he exactly meant.

If she felt it too? Of course, she did. Of course, she felt how their hearts aligned the first time their eyes met. Of course, she felt how she wanted nothing but to be close to him. Of course, she felt it too.

But Jules also knew she couldn’t just say that.

Noah's eyes never left hers. He wouldn’t let this go again. He needed to know if he really was going crazy. He noticed how Jules began to pick the skin around her finger nails and decided to step in. He carefully grabbed her hands. Again, there was this wave washing over him, every time he got to touch her.

And of course, she felt it too. But she didn’t know what to do. She knew, if she would talk, there was no way out of this anymore. Even less than before.

Noah, in the mean time, realized what her answer would be, giving her shift in demeanor. But he needed to hear it from her.

"Don’t make this harder than it already is, Noah." Jules whispered, both of them still getting lost in each other’s eyes.

"So, you felt it too." Noah exclaimed, not letting go of the subject.

Jules swallowed hard. She wanted to be strong. She wanted to let Noah go, but when he looked at her like that, their hands still intertwined, she felt like she was about to explode.

"Say it, Jules." Noah demanded, "Say it and I’ll let you go."

Jules' ears were ringing. Her cheeks were burning and the slight tint of Noah’s cheeks gave away, he was feeling the exact same thing.

"You promise?"

Noah nodded.

"I thought, I lost you." Jules than let out, causing Noah to raise his brows while Jules felt her tears coming up. "I-… I thought, you would do it, Noah. I had this gut-wrecking feeling that you would die…"

Noah swallowed hard.

"If that was the feeling Keaton felt when I was hit by that car… I-… I don’t wanna feel that every again… It felt like I was dying again." She explained while tears fell down her cheeks. Noah wanted to wipe them away but he decided against it, fearing he would lose her again.

Jules squeezed his hands harder.

"When I saw you making an appointment with your therapist and doing rather well after I left that night… I just didn’t want to disturb you again." Jules explained, only interrupted by her own cries.

Noah's heart sank. He knew he wasn’t doing well and he did everything he could to change that again but seeing her so broken because of his action made it even worse for him. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her and yet it seemed it was the only thing that brought them together. Hurting each other…

"I'm supposed to help you when you are in trouble. Prevent you from bad things but I feel like I’m the trigger to get you to do bad things and that’s just because I was so dumb to show myself." She rambled on, feeling a sense of relief from finally letting go of her thoughts. Noah's eyes became watery.

"But the biggest mistake was to let you touch me, Noah, because-…" Jules stopped mid-sentence, in hopes she could calm herself down, but nothing helped. The tears were flowing like there was no tomorrow.

"Tell me, Jules." Noah asked with a raspy voice from trying to hold his tears back.

"Because we both know this was the moment there was no going back." Jules whispered and sniffled quietly. Her gaze fell down to their hands, both of them holding each other with such force, as if one of them would explode into the nothingness.

Noah slowly let go of one of her hands and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Than he placed his hand under her chin to make her look at him. This was enough for Jules.

Everything she desperately wanted to keep from him broke out of her.

"I don’t even know if these feelings are real…" Jules let out and stopped in her tracks again. Noah gave her an encouraging look to go on.

"I feel so alive with you… You make me feel alive, Noah." She whispered and stared into his brown eyes.

For a couple of seconds, they just looked at each other, both processing what Jules had just said. And than… Noah broke.

"You're someone worth staying alive for, Jules."

Jules blinked for a second, trying to fight the urge of getting closer to Noah, but Noah took the decision from her when he mumbled "Fuck it..." and not even a second later grabbed Jules face and let their lips connect.

As their lips met, the scent of his cologne enveloped Jules, making her head spin with desire. Noah felt exactly the same. The warmth of her kiss spread through him like a comforting blanket on a chilly night.

For a second, both of them forgot how fucked up their situation was. They just pretended they were two adults, connect by fate. It was a bittersweet exchange, a mixture of longing and fulfillment that lingered in the air.

Their bodies gravitated toward each other, closing the distance as if pulled by an invisible force. Soon, Jules was being pulled onto Noah's lap and let her arms fall around his neck, while he grabbing onto her waist as if she would vanish any second.

Nothing even compared to the sensation Jules felt in that moment. Noah was the only thing on her mind and nothing was going to stop that. It felt like she only existed for this exact moment. To be close to him, to be held by him. All of his was new for her but she felt this deep need to get even closer to him.

For Noah, it felt like he had eaten the forbidden fruit. He had been in situations like this before but nothing in the world was able to compete with the feelings that washed over him, while his lips collided with Jules'.

When they finally pulled away, the air between them crackled with a newfound energy, the unspoken promise of what was to come. Their eyes met, a silent conversation passing between them, unlocking emotions that had long been hidden.

Jules' lips were red and puffy, while Noah's hair was even wilder then it had been just a couple of minutes ago.

Moments of silence passed between them, both getting lost in each others eyes.

Right as Noah was about to break this silence, Jules became bold. She closed their distance again, not being able to stand even a slight loss of contact with Noah. She felt her heart beating so fast that she was convinced for a second that she was in fact still alive.

She tried to push her thoughts of the future away as Noah's hands slipped under the plain shirt she wore. Jules shivered under his touch.

Even though Jules had no idea what she was doing, she let her feelings get a hold of her and began kissing down Noah's tattooed neck. She felt like she was going to explode when she heard his heavy breaths. Her hand grabbed the base of his hair without a second thought when Noah suddenly thrusted his hips up.

Jules moaned out in a mix of confusion and arousal. She couldn't believe this was really happening. She never made anyone feel the way Noah felt right now.

Noah pushed her slightly against him when she lifted her head again to look into his love drunk eyes.

"Are you okay?" Noah mumbled out, waiting for Jules' consent to the situation.

Jules looked at him for a short second before nodding frantically. She needed more. She needed Noah.

When she tried to kiss him again, he slightly backed away, a smirk on his face. "Use your words, Jules."

"I'm-..." Jules struggled to get out, "I'm more than okay, Noah."

Their lips connected again in a heated kiss and seemingly everything went fast, just like their whole relationship.

They helped each other out of their shirts, before Noah turned them around, hovering over the angel in front of him. He tried not to think about the fact that he was in fact making out with a somewhat ghost.

Jules was real to him. Jules was everything he needed right now.

He planted some soft kisses on her skin and felt how his lips began to prickle. This felt so unreal to him.

"You look so fucking beautiful." He breathed out while letting his hands run over her upper body. Jules felt goose bumps forming all over her skin. She couldn't quite comprehend how she was the angel in their position when every single touch of his felt so godlike.

“I-… I feel like I need more.” Jules said quietly even though it came out more like a desperate plea.

Noah’s hand traveled up to her breast slowly, pinching her hardened nipple for a short second. He didn’t miss how Jules thrusted herself against his thigh for a short second.

“Does it feel good?” Noah breathed out with a faint smile on his face before kissing Jules’ cheek.

Even though Jules had little to no experience, she noticed how he tried to tease her, but she wasn’t able to mock him back. She needed him so bad.

Jules whined out Noah’s name. “It feels so good.”

Noah kissed her deeply, quickly involving his tongue to get a taste of her. Jules couldn’t help but moan into his kiss loudly. Noah loved it, getting addicted to every precious noise he brought out of Jules. Just when Noah brought his knee between her legs, Jules swore she was about to die again. She couldn’t believe this whole thing was even better than she read in her little novels back when she was living in her small flat. Although their kisses slowed down a bit, their actions didn’t.

Jules shyly let her hand travel down Noah’s body, finding its way on his hardness. Noah felt like he was going to explode.

“God. Where did you learn that?” He moaned out in surprise, still not quite processing what was happening while Jules’ moves let him sink deeper into his delusion.

“You know? Reading books can help.” Jules smiled into the kiss, noticing how she got even wetter at his exclaim.

Her hand gripped him harder.

Noah let out a deep moan as he kissed down her neck and moved the hand that was previously placed on her breast down her stomach. Shortly they found their place on her clothed core. It didn’t take him long to push through the waistband of her shorts and she started to lightly massage her clit.

“Holy.” She moaned into his mouth while arching her back.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” Noah whined out, causing Jules to giggle.

“And here I thought I was a reason to stay alive for.” She whispered out with a smile, causing Noah to tease her wet entrance with his fingers before going back to her clit again. Noah smiled at her aroused expression.

“You’re going to be the death of my piece and mind.” He corrected himself, before Jules let go of his hardness to help him get her out of her last pieces of clothing.

Looking at his angel in all her glory was mind blowing to Noah. He was sure he felt his cock twitch in excitement when he looked at her beauty. It felt like she was glowing, and Noah just craved her taste even more.

But he wanted to take it slow. He didn’t know if this was the last time. He didn’t know if they were going back to their weird state of knowing about each other but ignoring their connection at the same time. He would do everything in his power to burn these images in both of their heads.

He circled her clit faster and faster as he leaned forward to kiss Jules deeply. He swallowed every moan of her as he felt himself get more and more aroused.

Then, for a moment, he stopped and looked the girl under him in the eyes, asking for silent consent. Jules slightly nodded; her mind clouded with the man in front of her.

“Please.” Jules groaned as she felt his fingers sink into her deeper and deeper.

“You’re so tight, I can barely fit my fingers in.” Noah teased the girl as he, again, kissed her neck.

Jules gripped Noah’s hair tightly as she pushed herself down on his hand. It was a brand-new sensation for her. It wasn’t like she hadn’t touched herself during her lifetime, but feeling Noah’s fingers inside of her felt like she was meant to be his.

Noah quickened his pace, while his other hand found it’s way to her cheek, caressing it with softness. Her moans echoed through the room, and he wanted nothing more but to record them and play them over and over as if it was his favorite song.

Jules leaned forward to catch Noah’s lips again. Jules didn’t know what had come over her but everything just felt so good and right.

“Fuck, you are perfect.” Noah muttered into the kiss. “Please… Please come for me. You can do it.”

And Jules did. The words and moans that come out of her mouth nearly made Noah come on the spot. She barely had the strength anymore to tell him how good he made her feel while she began shaking in pleasure. All she could do was running her fingernails over his bare back.

For a couple of seconds, Jules just whimpered in ecstasy.

“Your voice is my favorite sound.” Noah whispered and peppered kisses on her cheek as she came down from her high.

All Jules could do was capture Noah’s lips in another kiss, showing her gratefulness to share this moment with him. The kiss became deeper as she wrapped her arms around him, catching him in a firm embrace. She couldn’t let go of him.

Noah let it happen. He also slung his arms around her as if life depended on it. But hugging each other seemingly didn’t do enough anymore.

“Again…” Jules mumbled into his shoulder, causing Noah to widen his eyes. “I need you.”

“Shit… You really want to?” Noah asked, making sure he wasn’t dreaming right now. He lifted his body up slightly, to look her in the eyes.

“I need to feel you, Noah.” Jules whined and left the man over her speechless.

Fuck.

Noah needed to calm himself down. He was already so close to letting go of himself, when he simple looked at his angel. Even now, with the remains of their shared moment hanging in the air, he wondered how it would feel to be inside of her. That’s when he allowed himself to think about the fact that Jules was in fact not a person wandering this earth. He was kind of sleeping with a ghost… Or going insane… Probably both.

“We don’t need t-…” – “I want to, Noah.”

Noah let out a deep breath, nearly unable to ignore his own lust. Jules noticed the conflict going on in his head and quickly came to his rescue. She captured him in a sweet and soft kiss.

“I promise. I want this.” She muttered against his lips. “I want to be close to you. Do you want to?”

Noah nearly crumbled because of her words. Of course, he wanted her. So badly.

Noah swallowed hardly before deciding to let go. He quickly got out of his clothes, giving Jules almost no time to look at his beauty, before coming back to her, kissing her with such force, she nearly moaned again.

He placed himself between her open legs, thrusting his hardness against her pussy a few times, while analyzing her reaction with great interest. Jules took in every second she had with Noah. She was willing to do nothing else for the rest of her weird existence.

If Jules hadn’t already corrupted every little space of Noah’s thoughts, she would have done it now. Everything he could feel, taste, sense… It was Jules. Everything was Jules.

Jules shyly reached down to grab his erection and ran her hands up and down for a couple of times. Noah meanwhile began to shake under her touch. “It feels so good.”

His words hypnotized Jules as she circled her hand over his tip and stroked it a few more times. She would have never thought everything would lead to this moment. Jules felt her heat throb before moving her hips slightly upwards to guide his hardness into her.

Just the tip sinking into her, made both of them moan out. For a moment, Noah stayed still as he watched the woman move her hips even more to give him better entrance. Inch by inch, his cock sank into her, their breaths and whines echoing through the room as he stretched her out.

Noah begged this wasn’t just a dream. It felt more real than anything ever before.

“You’re taking me so well, angel.” He breathed out before placing a small kiss on her lips.

“You feel so good.” Jules answered him and looked into his eyes lovingly.

With that he finally thrusted into her. Everything aligned in that moment. All the moments they shared, all the fights, all the difficulties, all the feelings. Everything felt like it happened to bring them to this moment. It was as if they were the only to individuals existing in that moment. Sweet words were whispered into the heavy air of the room as the both of them gave each other exactly what they craved. Each other.

“Keep going. Noah. You feel so good.” Jules whisper shouted.

“God…” Noah moaned. “I love this so much.”

His pace became faster.

Without even thinking, Jules let out her next words. “I wanna feel your cum.”

Noah’s whole body prickled at her words. He couldn’t form words anymore, everything was hazed with the emotions he felt for her. He loved her. He loved being with her. He craved her.

Jules moved to meet his thrusts. Noah bit his lip. “You’re taking me so well.”

Jules kissed him again, feeling like she had never felt more emotions at the same time in her life.

“That’s it. Let go, Jules.” Noah grunted, making sure to give Jules her time. He was hitting all the perfect spots.

His thrusts became harder, while he captured her hands above her head, getting even better excess. They moaned in sync. It was their final straw.

They both came with a loud moan, his cum spilling inside of her with each thrust. For a few moments, their heavy breaths were the only thing that filled the room. Both coming down from their highs with a few kisses, all filled with the silent confessions of love.

When Noah caught his breath again, he kissed Jules again. “You are so fucking beautiful.”

“So are you.” Jules answered him with a sweet smile while she gazed over his face. He was in fact so beautiful. From his dark brown eyes that held so many secrets, to the small freckles plastered over his face.

Slowly, Noah let himself fall into his bed, cuddling into her side immediately.

Jules, meanwhile, stared at the ceiling of Noah’s room, while her thoughts began to flow her brain. This actually happened. She, an individual dangling between life and death, had sex with the person she was supposed to guard. But he wasn’t just any person. He was Noah. Her Noah.

It took the two a couple of minutes, maybe an hour to finally speak up again.

“You don’t even know how much you mean to me.” Noah whispered out and brushed a strand of her out of her face. His anxiety had also caught up to him, but he tried to ignore it for a second longer while laying there.

Jules bit her lip. Her heart skipped a beat at his words, even though she tried to function normally again. “I can’t even describe what you mean to me.”

She turned to look into his eyes. She quickly noticed they both knew what was eventually going to happen now.

“One night.” Noah whispered in a pleading tone. “One night, where we don’t think about it.”

Jules swallowed hard. She knew it was going to end rather soon than late. She didn’t want it to but she knew it had to go this way. So, she nodded.

“One night.”

With that she leaned forward and kissed him again. She kissed him with such force, he wouldn’t have any chance to miss what she was trying to say.

After that, they got even closer to each other, letting each other embrace the love they shared for a moment…

One night…

PART ELEVEN

[pinkysberg]

i want to compile a list of the most bizarre statements and conflict ive seen in the red dead community on the cursed clock app. bc it's hell and i need someone to understand pls.

it is ridiculous to be sad about rdr2 as arthur morgan is a fictional character.

because it is 1899, and the concept of mental illness and trauma is unexplored, traumatizing events (i.e. the storm and ship wreck following the bank mission) would not have impact on the psychological health of characters.

Real Quote: so what? because he could have drowned and died it's trauma all of the sudden?

characters like charles smith or sadie adler are "trying to be the main character" because they are integral to the plot of the game. (this apparently has nothing to do with the fact they are not white men. anyways.)

shipping jovier is incestuous ?

if you think about it micah was actually a good guy because he ended the van der linde gang (ignore the part where he starts his own gang that's way worse and then re-teams up with dutch later)

all the characters are straight because it's 1899 and they're all cowboys (a famously heterosexual profession, of course)

arthur morgan cannot be bisexual because he had a son and has had only "female romantic partners". (unsure what their working definition for bisexual is)

milton is invincible to criticism because he "is just doing his job" (this is obviously not a core criticism of the red dead redemption franchise)

for some reason bill is a likeable and defensible character while javier is satan's reincarnate and one might argue, based on how he's discussed, is the main antagonist of RDR1. wonder what that's about.

it is feminine to change arthur's appearance in literally any capacity. (giving him any hair cut is a bastardization of his character)

discussing headcanons - or having them at all, period - is disrespectful to the creators of the source material. (their personal opinions and feelings, however, aren't headcanons, they're just objectively true statements about the game)

this is everything i could think of off the top of my head without even looking. its incessant.

[miahasahardname]

OK SO I FOUND A CONCEPT I MADE UP LIKE AGES AGO FOR A TD HIGHSCHOOL AU BUT LIKE. i made it scottish because that’s the only school system i’m used to,,,

i would spend time in computing class typing away in a google doc (literally titled ‘total drama mental illness’) instead of doing any coding…

so yeah here’s some of my old total drama highschool au stuff (copied from my doc)! (warning: OLD (kinda))

subjects chosen for highschool au (some of these choices were kinda random)

biology - noah, courtney, lindsay, cody, bridgette, heather, tyler, leshawna, dj

chemistry - izzy, cody, noah, duncan, courtney, owen, beth, geoff, trent, katie, sadie, justin

physics - gwen, noah, courtney, harold, cody, eva

french - cody, lindsay, beth, courtney, trent

german - noah, eva, izzy, duncan

mandarin - heather, harold, courtney

spanish - courtney, owen, justin, katie, sadie, tyler, bridgette, geoff, gwen, leshawna, dj

latin - noah, courtney, beth

(ancient) greek - harold

drama - heather, owen, izzy, cody, harold, leshawna, katie, sadie, justin, lindsay

music - leshawna, harold, justin, trent, cody, bridgette, courtney

art - cody, gwen, izzy, bridgette, owen, beth, justin, lindsay

rmps (religious moral philosophical studies) - dj, harold, noah, courtney

mods - noah, courtney

history - harold, trent, eva, leshawna, bridgette, beth, courtney, gwen

computing - noah, harold

technology - cody, owen

pe - tyler, eva, geoff, bridgette, duncan

accounting - trent (forced into it)

business studies - courtney, trent (also forced into it), owen

geography - harold, eva, owen, bridgette, trent, beth, lindsay

noah and courtney’s languages were chosen because they already knew a lot about the language and they kinda wanted to show off.

beth and lindsay chose french because they always wanted to go to paris.

jo is in tyler and eva’s and advanced higher pe class even though she’s a year below and should be doing nat 5s.

cody chose art for gwen. he didn’t end up with her, however, because she took advanced higher and he only took higher. cody cried when he discovered this.

trent’s dad forced him to take accounting.

cody, trent, justin and harold formed the drama brothers when they were assigned to work on a project in music together in s3. they’re all in the same AH class.

all of gen 1 are in the same form class. chris is their form teacher.

noah, ellody, courtney and emma are all key members of the student council.

izzy has accidentally set fire to the entire school twice.

sanders from ridonculous race is the headmistress because i refuse to beleive that sanders and macarthur are the same age as gen characters and because she’s better fit for this than a police job.

blaineley is a drama teacher.

kitty is an s3 in this au, while gen 1 is in s5.

izzy and duncan are the two pupils with the most detentions and suspensions. miraculously, neither of them have ever been expelled.

the lunch tables are separated by form classes.

owen takes business because he thought it would help him in his future endeavours of making a cookie business.

(so i had to take away a few of the things i wrote due to general stupidity of them or i just didn’t agree with those things anymore. i also did a little ‘teacher’s opinions’ thing that i will share if people want it? (but i doubt that). uhhh yeah basically i turn everything into an au. might make a post about orphans au, i dunno)

[moved-accounts-btw]

Gun out, Chest out, Middle finger out ---------------------------------- SCP-983 [Old Western Charm] J-████ A. Wolcott // Her/They/Him // Adult TW. Body horror, Eye horror

Physical and Characteristics:

Wolcott is a human (transgender-neutral) born on February 14, 18██.

Shares more similarities with her mother, Evelyn, than the rest of her siblings, even resembling some of her grandparents' features.

Experiences stiff joints or a loss of motor skills during the melting process, often requiring a walking cane, especially during winter.

Struggles with mental health and needs to maintain a one-foot distance from Sadie or wear a protective glove when interacting with her.

Often gets too hot to the point of needing to wear breathable clothes or wear shirts unbuttoned, especially during the summer.

Wolcott has the ability to melt into different binary genders or even a non-binary gender. This would weaken her temporarily; her joints would need time to recool and settle into their new environment, while her system needed to clean itself from any ill or unwanted items inside of her. If a pen were to get trapped in her, for example, it'd melt and give her some unknown illness similar to a fever.

Her eyes have some type of appearance, but it's not always the case. 45 percent of the time, her eyes would appear to be ripped out, and an empty socket would be in their place, or the ooze would drip from her eyes. She wears a blindfold to hide this.

Anomalous Properties:

Her amulet works the same but would keep the former's mental state or their physical form, depending on which one Wolcott picked. After a certain moment of time, her mental state will begin to decay (which is where the former's host mental state comes into play, switching her mental state with theirs), and her body will melt into a glop of molten amber.

Wolcott possesses a unique and dangerous ability: she can bend reality with her imagination and creativity.

This incredible power comes at a great cost. To control her abilities and prevent them from causing havoc, Wolcott wears a shock collar to allow her to snap out of her imagination before it goes south. The collar suppresses her reality-bending abilities but also serves as a safeguard to keep a malevolent entity, known as "It," from taking control. She usually keeps it under her bandana.

Her reality bender can also be created from her nightmares. Wolcott's nightmares are harrowing experiences. She often wakes up coughing up black sludge, a manifestation of her inner turmoil. It'll summon sludge-like creatures from her mouth and nose, even sometimes from her eyes.

Though Wolcott's eyes remain intact, she frequently envisions them ripped out. She can see, and there has been a moment of her eyes showing, but 99% of the time they're covered by bandages or 'ripped out.

[total-drama-shark]

favorite and least favorite td characters per season?

Good question! Really gotta think hard on this one

I think Island has really solid characters and characterization, I really enjoyed Gwen, Trent, Leshawna, DJ, Lindsay and Geoff in this one the most. And for least favorites it’ll have to be Heather, she was a good antagonist and I loved her in the scary movie episode but it’s really hard to believe she’d realistically make it as far as she did even if it was narratively necessary. Besides her Katie and Sadie could’ve had way different writing instead of utilizing the same plot twice in the camping episode and the special, I like them but in my own interpretation kind of way so they go here too.

Action is the Thursday of the Seasons if that makes any sense, and the characters went through a lot of derailment in it, favorite may be Leshawna or Harold even though I have a few select problems with him in this season. Least favorite would be Geoff or Courtney since they’re just really mean compared to how nice and good characters they were in TDI, though I get the message on Geoff’s arc about how fame and the industry can corrupt you.

World Tour! Oh World Tour, my favorites have to be Alehandro and Heather in this one, their storyline was just so good and Heather’s redemption arc and Alejandro’s big scheme were all such a joy to watch. Least favorite has to be Sierra, I’m sorry Sierra enjoyers and I totally respect you but I wouldn’t be able to enjoy her screen time even if the stuff she does throughout the season didn’t resemble shit I’ve been subjected to, I can’t feel comfortable with her.

ROTI!! The season I’m mentally ill for! All the characters here are honestly solid and entertaining, Dakota was my favorite and the writing for her could’ve been perfect if they made her quit her internship at the end instead of turning her into a mutant, besides her Mike was also one I got rather attached to because I was so pleasantly surprised by the portrayal of his DID, it’s so obviously not perfect but it’s better than most. Least favorite is Staci.

All Stars... Oh, All Stars... I didn’t know what I was getting into when I started watching AS. Mal is my least favorite character because I’ve programmed myself to view him as the personification of my problems with the horrible DID rep in this season that makes me feel worse every time I think about it, again, sorry Mal enjoyers. My favorite is Scott because despite him being dumbed down he is incredibly entertaining to watch.

I actually like Pahkitew more than your average TD fan, and my favorites are Jasmine and Shawn, very popular opinion I know but they are the best written characters of the season and undergo actual drama and development and get a very happy ending in the Shawn ending. Least favorite is Amy, she’s purposely written to be unlikeable and the writers did a very good job at that, I won’t talk about her much though.

Hope that wasn’t too tiring or boring to read, I’d love to hear any of your guy’s thoughts and wether you agree or disagree with mine!

[eurosleaz]

funny how everyone that has ever cared about sadie has left her abandoned like a stray dog! she tries her hardest to be someone to love and yet-- people keep leaving! she's sorry that she's mentally ill, that there's things about her that aren't beautiful! she can be so ugly sometimes and she's sorry for that! it doesn't mean she deserves to be kicked out on the curb. unconditional love is ... it's a nice concept!

[openheartfanfics]

Newly Added Fics

Sep 17 - 23, 2022  

🎭 Angst  |  🦚 Angsty Fluff  |  🛸 AU  |  ☁ Fluff  |  ♥ NSFW  |  📚 Series  |  📷 Edit  |  📱 TextFic  |  Ⓜ Mature

BRYCE X M!MC

Late Nights - @mydemonsdrivealimo  ☁

Jensen leaves his keys at home after a night of drinking, but that's not going to stop him from getting into Bryce's apartment. [Drunk]

ETHAN X F!MC / F!OC

Checking In With The Ramseys - @genevievemd 📱

A quick check in with newlyweds, Ethan and Gen -- and it’s date night! [Social Media]

Drunk - @lem-20 ☁

Cecilia's had a little too much to drink. [Drunk]

Fever - @ofmischiefandmedicine  ♥

After an evening full of temptation, Ethan Ramsey must face the inevitable truth – Laura Levchenko is a woman impossible to forget. [Racy Thoughts]

Holding You Close - @potionsprefect  🦚

In the aftermath of the attack, Ethan doesn’t want to leave Victoria alone. [Hurt/Comfort]

I’m Yours To Tame - @txemrn  ☁ Ⓜ

While Tatum heads out for the evening, Ethan sorts through his own thoughts and feelings about his new relationship with an old friend. TW: Excessive alcohol consumption; unwanted sexual advances [Drunk]

Inebriated - @mysticalgalaxysstuff  ☁

Ethan’s reaction to a drunk Marissa saying “I have a boyfriend” when he tries to hug/kiss her. [Drunk]

In My Veins - @genevievemd 🎭

Ethan finds himself in a bar, trying to get Genevieve out of his head. [With Someone Else]

Hot Ones - @cariantha ☁

Your MC is on Hot Ones (the show)! How’s their spice tolerance and what are their preferred hot sauces? And best of all, what "spicy/ridiculous/personal" questions would they get asked?

Jane's Theory of Everything - @inlocusmads  ☁

It is Jane's first day as the newest addition to the diagnostics team and she's already missing in action. [2.1]

Once [A Nanny Affairs/Open Heart Crossover] - @peonierose  📚🛸

[mini: wip] Addison has stage four ovarian cancer. So Sam and Addi seek a consultation with Dr. Ethan Ramsey at Edenbrook. Will they make it in time? TW: Illness, cancer, mental health Feat. Ethan Ramsey

Part 1

Second Impressions - @liaromancewriter​ 📱📷 ☁

It’s Cassie’s first day as a Junior Fellow on the Diagnostics Team.  Feat. OH Gang [2.1]

Spooky Trip - @peonyblossom 📷 ☁

Ethan and Sadie go on a day trip to Salem.

Take Me Home Tonight - @the-pale-goddess  ☁ Ⓜ

Tiffany doesn’t go on a bender often. But when she does, it’s always a wild ride—especially for a certain grumpy doctor. [Drunk]

The Best Nights Are With You - @takemyopenheart  ☁

Ethan deals with his drunk girlfriend. [Drunk]

The Boyfriend Excuse - @cariantha  ☁

Ethan’s reaction to MC saying “I have a boyfriend” when he tries to hug/kiss her or something because she’s way too hammered. [Drunk]

The Question - @liaromancewriter ☁

Ethan has an important question to ask Max, but what follows is a heart-to-heart.

Try Again - @trappedinfanfiction  ☁

Two instances where Celia says she has a boyfriend, two quite different outcomes. [Drunk]

With and Without - @alwaysmychoices  📚

[extended: wip] Dr. Charlie Greene doesn’t have Ethan Ramsey. But when Charlie’s life feels like it’s out of control, she finds herself on Ethan’s doorstep. They promise each other that it’s just one night, but once they’ve broken all their rules, they can’t go back to normal…

Ch 36: Old Wounds

ETHAN X M!MC

Checking In - @peonyblossom  📱 ☁

Ethan and Sydney check in on each other during the day. 

ETHAN X TOBIAS

Clearing the Air - @coffeeheartaddict2  🦚

Whilst in Hawaii for a colleague’s wedding, Ethan and Tobias have a frank discussion about their past. [Platonic]

Unlikely Allies - @potionsprefect  ☁

A tragic event bring two former enemies much closer. [Platonic]

PLATONIC

Bowling Blues - @liaromancewriter  📱 📷

Cassie and her friends go bowling to blow off some steam on a weekday. Feat. OH Gang

TOBIAS X F!MC / F!OC

An Introduction - @a-crepusculo  ☁

A night at Donahue’s took an unexpected turn.

The Big Secret - @jerzwriter  ☁

Casey and Tobias are trying to figure out what they are to each other; when she calls him to meet her at Donahue's, does she let it all out?

_

SUBMIT OPEN HEART FICS & WRITERS HERE

[uberoll-oystercrackers]

and on that note of my post last night dear lord the hype around su has wrought even more people into the sadie miller tags and the lars barriga tags and most annoyingly the larsadie tag (if you dislike it idgaf but keep it in the show/character tag and out of the ship tag? you annoying bitch???) going like: DAMN this ship SUCKS ASS i cant believe there are EVIL and DERANGED people who want these young adults to grow independently together (lol) instead of [insert whichever character they personally aren’t obsessed with] should die and go to hell for being evil bc of [the crime of being an emotionally damaged and mentally ill teenager with very limited resources and understanding about yourself/the world around you and all the terror that occurs within those psychic and material spaces {yea im aware sadie did in fact fuck up majorly in island adventure and if you think this is a gotcha why are you even here on this blog specifically where i have bitched nuuuumerous times abt how that analysis of her behavior is boorish and without nuance and most importantly i wish to god y’all would blame the writers for once in your lives instead of these 2D working class 20-somethings with baggage of their own in-universe}].

like do you know how many things in su i think are dumb as shit/pairings i think are wildly unhealthily idealized in that show. so many. but i have a blog about one of the many other things, one of the many other pairings, i do like and enjoy and find very compelling. i dont like so many things but im not out here in other ppl’s tags taking up valuable real estate and being annoying as hell.

also im at a point in my life where im really too tired for anything so if you think im mean or unreasonable i dont even care. ppl lose their minds when im being as measured and kind as possible bc hating larsadie and/or hating one/both of the characters is a personality trait. if you come on my post to disagree with me and you don’t even bother to make it interesting to read im gonna ignore it.

anyway, sadie miller.

[cabinofimagines]

Hello! I just read your Anubis x reader headcanons and am confused as to what you mean by the phrase “manic pixie dream boy” when describing Anubis, because I don’t fully understand that trope or how he fits into it

Okay so, I had to reread the fic to figure out where exactly I put this but I found it in the authors note oop

DISCLAIMER I have not read the Kane Chronicles in a while except for fic research (a reread is due) secondly, my opinion will follow the cut

ALSO none of this is meant as a critique of Sadie (although it might seem like it) it is simply an analysis of Anubis as a character. Given that we meet him through Sadie, I mention her a lot and it might seem harsh but I don't mean it that way. I love her as much as any other Kane Chronicles character!!!!

In (mostly film, but also in literature) the manic pixie dream girl (MPDG for short) is a trope where a female character is put in the book that is appealing, mysterious (quirky) and does nothing except serve for the male main characters development. Examples would be Alaska from John Green's Looking for Alaska.

Often these characters are to some extend mentally ill or unstable, yet character wise as flat as a rock besides being ✨so cool✨

For the fic I reread a lot of passages that described Anubis, and I found these through the fan Wikia. While reading the wikia, I was kind off doubtful in the way the descriptions were, so when I looked up any scenes with Anubis in the book, I noticed that Sadie has the tendency to describe just his looks and quirks, similar in a way that you could read a MPDG. This is obviously contributed to her crush on Anubis. Clearly, the Kane Chronicles is not a novel where the MPDG trope makes a lot of sense in, so admittedly it is part of my interpretation of the text.

It is just, that even after rereading all paragraphs that have Anubis in it, I still could not give him any character traits or silly fanfic tropes (which is a stupid metric by all means), even with Lityerses (who only has like, 30 pages in all the books) he had a character. He had (albeit little) development, and I could see where he would go. Anubis still had none and besides being 'intrigued' with Sadie, I honestly do not see him crushing on her throughout the books? It might be my mind being rusty, or me being grown up now.

It is just that plot wise, Anubis has an important role however his character and development of such leave much to be desired. I argue that this might be because of Sadie's description of Anubis (always calling him hot, not paying attention to what he says etc) and that her crush leads the audience to gain little understanding of Anubis himself. Therefore, his role in the novel as a character quickly becomes "Sadie's boy crush" instead of "One of the gods of the Underworld Who Gets Stuff Done" and hence, I argue he is a manic pixie dream boy.

He is appealing to Sadie, Mysterious, little character and only serves for Sadie's character development. Obviously, this analysis is not going into the gender conventions of the MPDG, how it came to be and why, it was just my silly little thoughts.

Summarized; As I said in a Whatsapp Message to Danny (who hasnt read Kane Chronicles); Anubis literally does not have much character outsideof "Doesn't understand humans, also Sadie likes me" because it's all from Sadie's POV and she treats him like some manic pixie dream boy or sth (which is excused because she is a child crushing on a boy, but does not help in the sense of Anubis character itself)

I hope I got it all out and won't have to come back to this but who knows, if you got any comments or questions send them in!

-Asja

[queen-beefcake-sqx]

my grouch levels have hit an all time high today, complete with “sobbing over anniversaries that don’t exist anymore” and “existential dread over surviving in a capitalist society when all I want to do is make art for art’s sake” and “feeling like a failure in every way that matters”.

and also “every joint: cold cold cold cold cold :((((“

[shockinteague]

                 GABRIELLA TEAGUE ANTHONY STEVENSON.

gabby teague is not a person you’re likely to encounter. not because she hangs out in strange places such as graveyards, or likes to hide her nose in books like her mother used to -- no, because she literally barely exists. since birth, her body has been taken possession of by a man named anthony stevenson, who passed away a century before her birth, during the victorian era. his spirit was summoned by sadie teague during the emotional and physical turmoil of childbirth; bringing triplets into the world and controlling her powers proved an impossible task, and her inability to keep the spirits at bay culminated in the final of the three girls falling victim to a rather vengeful ghost. now, grown the age of twenty-one and with a little help from some friends familiar with cases like hers, gabby has been increasingly able to take back control of her body and slowly push anthony out. she’s not entirely successful yet, and she’s trying to figure out who she is after spending so much time pushed to the sidelines and watching someone else live her life, but she’s learning.

inspired by; darcy ( winx club ) , miles wingrave ( the haunting of bly manor ) , sky silvestry ( doctor who ) , enchantress ( dc ) , odette ( swan lake ) , meg giry ( the phantom of the opera ) , will byers ( stranger things ) , melanie ravenswood ( phantom manor ) , princess yue ( avatar: the last airbender ) .

GENERAL.

BIRTH NAME. gabriella teague. NICKNAMES. gabby. DATE OF BIRTH.  november 1st. AGE. 23. GENDER. cis female. PRONOUNS. she / her. SPECIES. 3/4 human, 1/4 demon. POWERS. vessel to a victorian spirit. PLACE OF BIRTH. an alley on the outskirts of elias. CURRENT RESIDENCE. the skellington residence. OCCUPATION. resident gloomy girl who can’t hold down a job.

APPEARANCE.

HEIGHT. 5′7" BUILD. frail, pale, skinny. HAIR COLOUR/STYLE. dirty blonde / wavy, worn in victorian-style updos.  EYE COLOUR. brown. GLASSES/CONTACTS. neither. PIERCINGS / TATTOOS. no / no. FACECLAIM. talia ryder. VOICECLAIM. talia ryder.

HEALTH.

PHYSICAL AILMENTS. malnourished, looks permanently ill & has permanent dark circles under her eyes. ALLERGIES. peanuts. SLEEPING HABITS. extreme insomniac, hardly sleeps at all. EATING HABITS. eats too little, only healthy foods with no indulgences. BODY TEMPERATURE. permanently cold. DOMINANT HAND. left. DRUGS / SMOKE / ALCOHOL.  no / no / yes.

PERSONALITY.

TROPES. demonic possession, creepy child, people puppets. POSITIVE TRAITS. obedient, intelligent, sophisticated. NEGATIVE TRAITS. passive, melancholy, resigned. USUAL MOOD. gloomy, unsure. LIKES. being among people, reading, feminism. DISLIKES. fucking anthony stevenson. also the patriarchy. BAD HABITS. chews the inside of her cheek, having a terribly negative outlook on life, losing hope at the drop of a hat.

RELATIONSHIPS.

MOTHER. sadie teague ( biological ) , victoria everglot - skellington ( adoptive / foster ) . FATHER. unnamed drunk client ( biological ) , jasper skellington ( adoptive / foster ) . SIBLINGS. michaela & rafaella teague. BIRTH ORDER. youngest. CHILDREN. n/a. GRAND-CHILDREN. n/a. SIGNIFICANT OTHER. n/a. CLOSEST FRIENDS. katrina skellington, ada teague ( cousin ).

TESTS.

zodiac sign. scorpio. temperament. melancholic. hogwarts house.  ravenclaw. moral alignment. neutral good. primary vice. sloth. primary virtue. patience.

SKILLS & STATS.

LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english, french, spanish. DRIVE. no. JUMP START A CAR. no. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE. no. RIDE A BICYCLE. no. SWIM. no. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT. flute, pianoforte. PLAY CHESS. yes. BRAID HAIR. yes. TIE A TIE. no. PICK A LOCK. no. SEW.  yes.

COMPASSION. 8/10.

EMPATHY. 8/10.

CREATIVITY. 6/10.

MENTAL FLEXIBILITY. 8/10.

PASSION. 5/10.

LUCK. 1/10

MOTIVATION.  5/10.

EDUCATION. 4/10.

INTELLIGENCE. 10/10.

CHARISMA. 6/10.

REFLEXES. 7/10.

WILLPOWER. 5/10.

STAMINA.  4/10.

PHYSICAL STRENGTH. 3/10.

BATTLE SKILL. 2/10.

INITIATIVE. 4/10.

RESTRAINT.  9/10.

STRATEGY. 8/10.

TEAM WORK. 6/10.

[abyssofsydney]

Hey y'all, I'm Sydney.

I'll start out by saying that if you are reading this, you most likely have stumbled upon one of the more boring blogs out there. Here you will find pictures of myself, family, nature, animals, rv living, & I'm sure a lot of memes. You will absolutely find sarcasm, along with venting, positivity, & cuteness; probably some sadness, and definitely anxiety seeping from my posts.

If you're still reading, let me introduce myself a little more. I'm 27 & from a small farm town in Mid-Michigan. I'm married to a great man who travels for work, so we currently live in our camper in South Dakota & lemme tell ya, it’s been quite the experience thus far. We have three awesome rescued fur babies with us, Sage, a pitty with a licking problem, Sadie, a sassy bluetick coonhound, & Momma Kitty, a golden house cat that’s afraid of the world. I recently finished up my college semester and only have one more class to take before I have my bachelors in business administration. I have no idea what I am going to do with this degree, but hey, I got it.

I struggle a lot with mental illness and have been treated professionally multiple times. I feel that my life is ran by my anxiety and depression sometimes, & I have struggled significantly, resulting in severe agoraphobia. Last year I was unable to leave my living room, let alone my house, as I felt I was truly going to pass out and die. Along with the anxiety & depression, I suffer from PTSD from multiple incidents that have occurred in my life & one day it all just hit me like a brick and I couldn't do anything.

I try very hard to be positive and live a healthy and productive lifestyle. I find myself retreating to my bed when the days are rough and I need to force myself out of this habit. There's too much to experience in life for me to be stuck in my own head and home. My grandma's recent passing really enlightened me to this. I struggle to be positive, even though I have so much to be happy & grateful for. I feel that often I can't speak my mind or even understand & put into words my own feelings. For an adult, it seems silly for how distant I can be from my own emotions. Which is probably why my husband is my only friend.

I still struggle with my mental health, I still don't drive far or often, I still rely on my husband probably way too much, & I still struggle with agoraphobia & positivity.

But...

I traveled 1200 miles from home with just my husband and our pets to explore what else the country has to offer. I began driving alone for short distances & even going grocery shopping on my own (big anxiety trigger for me). And the one I think I am most proud of is that I climbed a freaking mountain. Well, technically it's a large hill, but saying that makes it sound so pathetic, & it was not. It was a brutal 3 mile hike up The Black Hills, which even included some rock climbing. I still can't believe it. Me. Sydney freaking Cook. Climbed a gosh dang mountain. If I would have told myself any of this a year ago, I would have laughed in disbelief.

Each day I'm changing, growing, becoming more me. I discover more & more of myself with each destination I arrive to, & for a mentally ill girl who thought she never could do these things, I think that's pretty neat.

Here's me on the day of our hike to Little Devils Tower.

[pinkysberg]

Love your videos. I don't have tic-tok so it is great that you have a YouTube and are sharing your takes on the gang.

Excited to read that you are considering a Molly video. Obviously the game is very focused on the men, so I get that a huge part of the fandom are going to analyse them. But I worry that a lot of their questionable behaviours get explained away with a neurodivergent diagnosis and/or mental health issues, while the women are subject to misogynistic character assassination.

I am not saying you do this. You are always very well researched, your arguments are considered, and I know you are as fed up with the misogyny as I am. So I guess my question is, would you consider doing any videos about the women? Especially Abigail, Molly, Sadie (who 100% has PTSD), and Mary?

i think ive really set myself up with this dutch has bipolar video haha. that man is an easy case, he's just easy to diagnose with things bc like. he's objectively mentally ill. not to say other characters aren't, but there's less time spent with them and their behaviours are a little less extreme than 99% of dutch's behaviours. i agree, it's undeniable a lot of these characters would have trauma and anxiety disorders, but where it becomes difficult is finding diagnosable proof.

again, dutch is easy bc his diagnosable proof is like genuinely very blatant and in your face. i struggle to go "this character has ptsd" bc how am i proving that beyond they live in circumstances that would almost definitely create ptsd, or c-ptsd, etc. they don't have flashbacks or nightmares that they discuss blatantly enough.

i think sadie is a pretty easy ptsd case bc you can watch her in live time being triggered and then make a pretty fair case that she's experiencing flashbacks.

i WANT to discuss their mental health but i fear no video will ever be as thorough as the dutch one because he is so supremely unwell it's undeniable.

i want to in the future like just openly discuss how many people seem to just. hate female characters in this game but i think i should give it a moment before i start breaking out the misogyny word. as for molly i want to highlight her perspective, her abuse and then rly hone in on her motivations for doing and saying the things she does.

[motownfiction]

fireplace

Lucy’s reticent to discuss her fears. She has them, like any human, but she’s never been fond of talking about them. If you talk about your fears, she thinks, people can use them against you. Sadie has always found her philosophy a little bit silly. We don’t live in a twisted world of Halloween blackmail, she said once when they were teenagers. And even though Lucy laughed, she’s still not sure she believed her. In Lucy’s experience, most people are out for blood and favors. Sometimes both. It’s better to put up a front. To never let anybody know that anything could ever bother you.

The only person she really tells about her fears is Will.

It’s a proximity thing as much as it is a love thing. Lucy has lived with Will since she was sixteen years old. He was always going to see the raw parts of her, whether she wanted him to or not. If she had her way, Will never would have needed to know that Lucy could be vulnerable, regardless of their marriage. But that’s not the way it shook out. That’s not the way at all.

And that’s why, as the pair of them fly to a conference in California, Will knows just how afraid Lucy is of flying.

It didn’t used to be this way. For years, Will was the one who was more afraid of flying. But then, on a routine trip from their apartment in New York to their home in Detroit, they hit a prolonged bout of turbulence that had Lucy praying for mercy in the air. She’s thirty years old and as terrified as a little kid flying to Disneyland.

To make matters worse, Will knows about it.

With every little bump on the ride, she grips onto his forearm. He’s just thankful her nails aren’t long enough to draw blood. She grits her teeth and says the same thing over and over: We’ll be there soon, we’ll be there soon, we’ll be there soon.

Eventually, Will nods and chimes in with a few words of his own.

“Yeah, we’ll be there soon,” he says. “But before we get there, can you try something for me? Please?”

“If you’re going to suggest meditation again …”

“No, not meditation. Just … focus.”

“Why are you telling me to focus? I’m great at focusing. Don’t you remember when I defended my dissertation last year? My committee said they’d always been impressed with my focus. They said it’s not all the time you see a candidate defend just over a year after giving birth to a child.”

“I know … I know you can focus on that stuff. But right now … just try to focus on something else. Something happier.”

“My work is happy.”

“I’m pretty sure Victorian prostitution and mental illness is, like, the opposite of happy.”

Lucy sighs and rolls her eyes. If only Will weren’t so cute. Then maybe she could stay as obstinate as she wants.

“What do I have to do?” she asks.

Will smiles.

“Just close your eyes,” he says. “And picture something good.”

“That’s so fucking vague.”

“I was gonna give you a prompt.”

“Oh, so, now I’m not smart enough to come up with something on my own? Now I need a prompt?”

“You are being difficult on purpose.”

Lucy feels herself blush. She should have known she couldn’t get away with that. Not in front of Will. He knows too much. Proximity and love.

“Continue,” she says.

“Close your eyes and picture something good. Like … like what would our perfect house look like? Out of the city. Anywhere. What would it look like?”

Lucy sighs again. She wishes Will didn’t know how much time she used to spend thinking about what their house would look like. She wishes she hadn’t been that predictable when she was just a kid with a crush on her friend, her next-door neighbor. But she has thoughts. And it’s better to think of them than the bumps underneath this airplane.

“It has a big backyard so we can host every party, but we’d only invite the few people we really like,” she says. “The girls get their own rooms. Both come with a bay window for them to sit in and read or write or gossip about whatever they want. There’s so much room for natural light. Big and open with lots of windows. So many windows. And in the living room … shelves with books and records. And a fireplace.”

Will chuckles a little.

“A fireplace?” he asks.

“Yes,” Lucy says. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, no. Of course not. It’s just … in all the time I’ve known and loved you, I never really took you for a fireplace girl.”

“It’s very literary. I think anyone with a Ph.D. in English should have access to at least one fireplace.”

“I understand.”

Lucy pauses. She can’t believe she’s really going to say the next sentence.

“Plus,” she says, “they’re a little romantic. And I don’t mind being romantic as long as it’s with you.”

Will grins and holds onto her hand again. This time, it doesn’t feel like fear. It feels like Will. The best way to feel.

The bumps under the airplane are still there, but for now, Lucy can ignore them. They’ll be there soon.

[bigtiddies-smalldreams]

Appreciation post for Max Mayfield in s4 specifically

!TW!depression & suicide

Spoiler warning: stranger things s4 vol2 2

Okay, naturally I'm always going to love & appreciate max. She's my favorite character and she has been for a v long time. She's funny and a good friend but also puts people in their place when necessary. She's genuinely one of my favorite things about stranger things.

But can we talk about Sadie's performance in season 4?

When reintroduced to the characters in episode one, it's clear something's off with Max. She's dressing differently, her stature is lower, less confident than who we're used to. She's not the max we know and love. And sure, you can go and blame that on Vecna or whatever, but I think there's something deeper here.

At the end of season 3, max loses everything. Her family dynamic shifts overnight, one of her new and closest friends moves across the country. One of the most impactful scenes of this entire show for me personally, is that shot towards the end of the Heroes goodbye sequence. Everyone's saying goodbye and packing up and then it cuts and you just see her sitting alone in her room, curtains drawn, just all by herself. It's only for a split second, but you can just see the anguish in her face, the pure raw of finally being alone and just crumpling entirely. And I feel like that was really telling for what to expect in s4.

I think that in s4, the Max we know is still there, we can see that from the way she interacts with her friends, Lucas specifically, but it's almost as if she's muted. As if the entire color has just been drained out of her after months of fighting this silent battle. We learn later that she's hating herself for not doing anything about Billy when she could have. We learn that she actually has wanted to die, that she's even pictured herself in his own situation. Because it seemed that if she was gone, everything would have turned out okay. It's clear (or at least it was to me, as a fellow mentally ill) that Max is struggling with suicidal ideation p much the entirety of s4. It's not something that's super focused on, but it's definitely there. You can tell she still cares about the people around her, she's still herself, but it's like there's this internal pain that she's just buried deep underneath. She's trying to hide these thoughts, that she'd be better off dead or everything would just be better if she was gone, but as a viewer it's really intriguing.

And what's special to me- is that it doesn't feel pushed or exaggerated. Depression or being "walking suicidal"(def having sucidal ideation but kinda just living with it) as I like to call it isn't this gigantic thing where you can just 'tell'. A lot of times it's being happy or feeling a small momentary reprieve(when spending time with your friends, for example), but in the back of your mind you can just feel this overwhelming nagging that you don't belong here. You don't deserve happiness. And no matter how hard you try, you can't find your way out.

Fast forward to the last episode where Max is literally dying, losing her vision. She's crying because she's not ready. She doesn't want to go yet. And I think that's what's so beautiful about this. Most times depression and suicidal ideation is so suffocating and intense that it clouds your vision so you can't see that you actually do like living. That life isn't all just pain and nothingness.

I think we don't get to see much actual good rep of suicidal characters in general, but even when we do it's like this over-dramatized Degrassi "going down the rabbit hole of darkness" plotline that's really only there to get an emotional response from you. In a lot of cases depression isn't this huge interstate billboard that other people can see from miles away. It's more like tiny cracks that go undetected.

Again, maybe I'm just picking up on this more since I've been there numerous times, but it's so lovely and special to me to see such a beloved character struggle with something so real.