#school doesnt start for another month and im already stressed and i just know that when school does start my mental health is just

[n0ct0urn1quet]

think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad

[iloveslllycatss]

## "𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐏𝐀𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘"

𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 ! 𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘦 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘴 ! 𝘍𝘖𝘙 𝘔𝘓 𝘏𝘈𝘉𝘐𝘉𝘛𝘐 𝘕𝘈𝘋𝘖𝘖𝘕 @sttarzxx 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬, the paraghraph text and response to it was copy and pasted from me and the dude this happened to me withs chat......... 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 ! 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘴𝘵 2 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧, 𝘋𝘠𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘐𝘕𝘚𝘐𝘋𝘌 (𝘫𝘬)

"im gonna do it. im gonna text him."

you were on vc with your best friend. for context, you had a crush. a MASSIVE crush on a boy named robby. you had liked him for 2 years now, the only bad thing? you guys were barely friends. you guys had a class together, and he would always talk to you (hed call u weird when u declared you were spiderman.).. all until you left school for second semester. you hadnt seen robby in about 6 months, but you still liked him (attachment issues go hard). u guys used to text, too. itd mostly be u texting with double chats and him replying in a dry way... but u still liked him AHAHA, so 2 days ago.. you asked your friend for his number...

"hey"

you texted, and he replied right away

"hi"

after that, you guys had texted for 5 minutes, asking things like "hru" or "wyd" until he finally said

"who even are u?"

your eyes widened seeing this, and you were a pussy, so you said

"im f/n (fake name)"

you guys, for another day kept texting back and fourth.. the only thing is, you acted like u didnt have a clue who he was, what he liked, and what he did.

"i do karate, i think its cool to have balance in your life and karate gave me that."

..... you already knew that, but you couldnt help but act like u didnt.

it was like u two havent met eachother. but little did u know, he was observant as fuck.

"you know u remind me of someone, u text the same as her. her name is y/n"

he said, and ur eyes widened. u couldnt believe that he had memorized your texting style. but you were a pussy, so u denied it.

a couple days go by and u guys still text, you overthink everything he says and you were starting to think your friends were getting tired of you ranting ab it to them all the time. there was this one time where u two had been talking, and the convo? it wasnt good. at all.

"k"

he said, and you furrowed ur eyebrows...

"WYM K?? THATS LIKE THE DRIEST MESSAGE EVER"

....

"yeah ik"

...... what? you couldnt believe it. was he bored of u already? were u being too annoying? were u just a bother?

your heart sunk, and u felt ur knees go weak. not weak in a "i just folded" typa way, but in a "im gonna kms" typa way.

your thoughts kept flooding with things like "i just annoyed him" or "he doesnt want to talk to me anymore." and you wanted to cry.

you start to rant ab it to your friends, balling ur eyes out as u do, you were in ur head about it, letting it get to you. your hands trembled as u typed about it to your friends. you had always been insecure about your personality, not wanting ppl to see u as too much or crazy. so u finally replied to him.

"ok"

its been 15 since youve been on delivered (or read, he didnt have read recipts on)

u desperately wanted to talk to him so u sent anotyher message

"hihii"

when he replied, you got so happy u forgot about the fact that you were crying about him the night before. but the thing is, he would leave u on read the whole day, and it stressed u out.

everyone had been telling u to just tell him who u were, and to stop being a pussy. hell, even snap ai wasnt on your side. so u write a paragraph, wanting to send it to him

"hi robby, so ive been feeling kinda bad recently for this and i hope u forgive me and that this doesnt ruin our 'friendship' kinda thing going on, basically i lied ab like a couple things and i feel bad IFDJNEJN so uh im y/n (u guessed right kinda craz) and IK I LIED AB NOT KNOWING B/F/N BUT I FELT LIKE ITD BECOME AWKS and stuff, f/n is my online name since ion give my real name out (and its a nickname my freinds call me), im sorry for acting like i didnt know who u were i was just being a pussy difjejfn but the truth is i asked b/f/n to send me a bunch of (school name) numbers and u was like the only person (other than 2 girls) who texted me back and I DIDNT KNWO IT WASS U AT FIRST but when u told me who u were i didnt know how to keep the 'friendship' going (r we friends??? idek atp) nd ik this is gonna make everything awkward and stuff but uh yeah im really really sorry for lying 2 u and i hope we can still b friends lol (ts up 2 u//im coming back next year too so idk if that helps EKJFNEIJNF)"

SENT !

... you were stressing atp, would he block u? would he be dry? would he ghost u? say "oh ok"? call u weird and tell everyone?

you didnt know how to feel, you wanted to cry. you were in ur head about this whole situation and u couldnt help but overthink. so u turn to your best friends, wanting-- no, needing reassurance. they continue to tell u its okay and that he wont break your heart. but you cant help it, that feeling. that feeling of your heart sinking, the feeling of the lump that forms in your throat, the feeling where you just want to feel better. but you cant. you were paranoid. you were tearing up. but you forced yourself not to cry, u didnt wnat to be a crybaby, but u couldnt help it. the tears had already formed and started to fall, your vision fogging up and your eyelashes wet. you couldnt believe u thought ur lifew could be like a wattpad love story. you were cracking your knuckles and picking at the skin around your cuticles, something u did when u were stressed. you then went to bed, hoping everything would be okay.

the next morning u wake up. the first thing u do is check every other social media and dm before his, you had a feeling he was gonna make u cry (again).

when u finally open the text, your whole expression lights up.

"I mean I suspected it and I am personally fine with the lie you told and yea I can forgive u but as you know I am a dry texter"

you were so happy. u couldnt believe it. you quickly change his contact name back from "oh" to "ROBBYYY! <33" and you smiled so big your jaw started to hurt

maybe there was a chance.

@/ilovesillycats

plz dont copy my work 😞

[husbandhoshi]

me booping you as a monthly checkup (which is smth im doing frm today onwards) :D

HOWS LIFE LILY???? HOWS SCHOOL???? WHICH YEAR OF MED ARE YOU IN NOW???? - okay too many caps locks, anyways-

idk if you celebrate but how was good friday and easter? did you have fun? how was your weekend? have you been busy at the hospital a lot? HAVE YOU DRUNK WATER TODAY POOKIE 👹👹

any gossip around you we (or i) should know about? dame im starting my 3rd year in a bit and im STRESSED. med school is tough man 😭😭

ive been so fucking busy, i didnt even know there was a follow to incheon the past weekend 😭

OH AND OMG I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS

remember the two girls and their boyfriends (from my uni) i told you about some time ago? the one where the boyfriends grab hold of the other girl instead of their girlfriends? IT HAS FUCKING ESCALATED

apparantly - im renaming them as olivia (ex boyfriend justin) and jane (ex boyfriend mathew) - olivia and justin were "engaged" since they were younger?? its like a tradition of sorts in their caste to betroth the girl to someone once they start menstruating. so like olivia got betrothed to justin when she was like 14? i think. justin did like olivia A LOT like he was booktok smitten in love with her. and then like when the two of them started university with like a bunch of other people, justin met jane in his freshman orientation. they sat beside each other and they hit off.

jane met mathew in one of her classes and it seemed like she shared multiple of her classes with mathew so they kept on talking and then eventually got into a relationship. and then mathew saw olivia in the garden once and found her "pretty" and started making conversations with her (mind you mathew was already well into the relationship with jane) and so they started conversing and now olivia starts gaining feelings for the guy and becomes confused because "how can i have feelings for two people at once?" so this went on for like a good year. olivia and justin being in a relationship with jane and mathew are in a relationship. all while jane and justin were hanging around each other a lot and olivia would still be very fucking confused about her feelings because of the CONSTANT FLIRTING from mathew.

and then second term of sophomore started (post winter break), sophomores were planning to get drunk somewhere and olivia didnt want to go. shes not really big on alcohol and parties. jane, justin and mathew went (all of them went separately). fast forward to i think a few hours later, all three of them are piss drunk and someone spikes their drinks. jane and justin go to one of the private rooms to have sex and mathew continues getting piss drunk. drunk mathew misses olivia so he goes to her dorm, she lets him in, he has a bit of water, they have sex.

i dont think i mentioned something.

olivia doesnt know mathew is in a relationship with someone.

mathew doesnt know olivia is in a relationship with someone.

jane doesnt know justin is in a relationship with someone.

justin doesnt know jane is in a relationship with someone.

olivia is entirely SOBER when she lets mathew have sex with her.

this going behind each others back goes on for months until the fist fight thingy that happened.

and then, olivia and justin go home from uni on a break and yk how word spreads FAST right? their parents already knew about their infidelity before they even reached home. the engagement is called off. olivia is transferring to another uni in a different continent entirely. justin still goes to my uni. about jane and mathew? no one knows where they vanished actually. like they're no where to be found after the fist fight fiasco.

thenkiu for reading my tedtalk lily 🤓

~ rai 😘

RAIIIIII hello babe i am so sorry i took forever to answer this 😭😭😭😭 i had to dig in and pull out my actual computer to dissect this TEA…

im good!!! im starting my third year at the end of the month :) just waiting for the results of my big test to come in bc that will determine whether or not i get to start 😬 we’ve been studying for this exam for quite some time so no gossip or hospital stories to share :(( literally my life has been waking up studying and then going to sleep. but i just came back from a trip to nyc which was super fun !

and yes i did celebrate easter w my family!!! we did a seafood boil which was SOO good! what did you do?

ok ok after reading the drama update i am SEATED. first i know there r cultural reasons for getting betrothed / engaged etc so early but i think this is just confirmation that No One was ready 😭😭 honestly it breaks my heart bc it sounds like there were really Real feelings involved in all of this but the fact that no one could keep their hands to themselves 😬 Telling! plus the like 0 communication KILLS ME!!! please don’t stay together then!!!! also i’m side eyeing mathew bc he sounds selfish and from what i understand initiated a lot of the drama???? idk but transferring schools and disappearing is CRAZY too…… sheesh

i had a similar situation happen to my friends in high school where friend A had been on/off dating boy A for years and years (on/off bc her parents didn’t approve). her best friend B had been crushing on boy B for years but didn’t move in on it bc she was scared he didn’t reciprocate. so friend A and boy A are on a break and allegedly friend A invites boy B to her place and they sleep together. friend B finds out and to retaliate sleeps with boy A at her bday party. then they both mutually blocked each other after not saying a WORD abt it to each other & just hearing ab things thru word of mouth. crazy how people can just turn on each other like that

drama ASIDE. how are you?? i know you’re busy but is it a good busy??? i hope you have time to enjoy urself!!

[mental-skillness]

It's really interesting feeling therapy start to work. I've been in on- again off-again sessions since 7th grade, and this is the first time it's felt like it's supposed to (uncomfortable but helpful)

I'm seeing the same therapist i saw in high school for gender, but at first i only talked about my gender / transition goals, and when i started to bring up my anxiety it was very much in a "what do i do when this happens" kind of way. And i only saw her once a month at most, which apparently doesnt work for me.

Now i see her every 2 weeks and, while I vaguely dread the appointments, it's because im gonna have to talk about things that make me uncomfortable. Which is the whole point

I was starting to feel like therapy just didn't work for me because every session felt... monster of the week, for lack of a better term.

I would ask how to fix an issue i was having and she would suggest a coping mechanism and i would try it a couple times and it wouldnt work and i would stop. And i never really knew what to talk about because i was so focused on the SYMPTOMS (anxiety spiralling, SH, etc) that i barely touched on my fears themselves. In 3 years of seeing her i never mentioned that I felt like i was a bad person and that i was terrified people would find out.

And then last semester I found a new therapist to see while I was out-of-state. It didnt go great — I think I was on the road to a drug/stress induced psychotic episode, honestly, and I was so convinced that there was something deeply wrong with me that i was talking with an agenda of convincing her I had a major psychiatric issue. And i was kinda aware of this, but i couldn't seem to stop myself. So the sessions didnt help, because i wanted to believe myself i was irreparably damaged, and since she seemed deeply concerned about everything i brought up, it worked.

To be honest, my current therapist is a lot better. Or at least, she's a better fit for me. She doesnt upscale the issues I bring up like my last therapist did; she treats them like issues that exist but that arent the end of the world. She approaches things in a way that doesnt fuel my catastrophizing.

The best example I have for that is I brought up the same issue to both my last therapist and my current one, which is that toward the end of my last semester I started smoking, and it provoked a spiral along the lines of, "if I'm smoking it means I don't care about my health, and if I dont care about my health it means I dont care if I die, and if that's the case then why dont I just stop caring altogether? Why dont I just go all out and take up a bunch of passively suicidal behaviors?"

My last therapist became deeply concerned. She made me promise to stay in therapy for at least another few months, and gave me the impression that I was passively suicidal and that I should be very, very concerned about that.

My current therapist responded a LOT less intensely. She was conversational and casual and asked me what was stopping me from doing that, and reminded me that one vice doesnt necessarily mean I'm going to throw away my whole life

Idk it's just crazy going from "therapy doesn't do anything for me bc I already know I have issues and all this advice isnt helping" to "oh. So THAT'S the thing that's causing all these other problems"

[thecherrygod]

Do you ever wake up from a dream and you know you're gonna have a day™

i feel like ive had a similar dream to this one a few times ago but also i feel like i have deja vus in dreams sometimes so im unsure. either deja vus or a moment of lucid dreaming that doesnt last enough, but i also tend to have recurring dreams so who knows, also if i think i know why something is happening in the dream i will put my opinion lmao anyways.

so. i was waiting for a bus, apparently the 125 (which is a mix of the two buses i usually took from my house, before we moved, to go to a few places) with the first friend i made in elementary school, who happens to be in three dreams ive had this month, also there were my first crush and some other guy. in theory we were going each to our houses, but instead i got on an appartment

in theory from what i think is another dream, i could just go to this woman for therapy whenever i felt it necessary, like just walk in and thats it. also if i couldnt pay her in money i could pay her in yogurt for some reason. so im just there, going as if i own the place, walking stairs in a white beige sterile looking building, and then entering the office, with a voice in the back of my head going 'you should have knocked' but i was already halfway through the door (ive been going through it kinda and thinking i should get therapy so i believe thatswhy i dream of going to therapy dhsdghdsgd)

at that moment im not me anymore, im some blonde woman with long hair, theres noise in there, the therapist talking to someone, and sounds like a baby. apparently she had a child not that long ago and it was there but in another room in the office thing. and so the blonde kind of. sits on the floor. lays there, talking to the therapist and apparently she therapist was gonna 'check their fortune' or future or something, in my brain what made sense is that the blonde was pregnant and the therapist was gonna tell her about her future child. also there was a tv in the room and it had a movie or something that was starring the blonde. apparently the movie was called something similar to 'degberaux' or something. im sure it ended in beraux but it started with a b and had a g in there too but... its unclear.

after that im me again and im in some sort of classroom thats empty except for someone who we used to be friends and it ended up badly and while its bc both of us i do feel very guilty about it. i sorta try to both ignore and aknoweledge her, first i sit on the complete opposite side of her, we have a hesitant small talk, in which i sit closer to her but from an angle i cant really see her face, and we talk a bit more but nothing else. more people start filling the room, a girl that went to school with me that i promised i was gonna invite her to my house to play videogames but i never did good on that promise (more guilt it seems lmao) and i talk more with her. i notice shes drawing some sort of comic with neat line art and i ask her about it, if its her own story and stuff. she says yes, shows me the pages which are mostly trees and plants and a single panel with a guy, and while im looking she says that shes been doing them like this bc her computer broke down and couldnt work on it digitally and was worried she forgot completely how that worked (something that literally happened to me last year so i know where that comes from)

then i am just. back at the therapists office, this time im me again, but now completely distraught, very stressed and at the verge of tears partially just bc paying therapy in yogurt is making me feel that even if that was the therapists idea. theres a kitchen table in the office, it has like.. holes in it but under the wholes its like theres sand under the table so you can still let things on the table with no risk of them actually falling to the floor. so i am attempting to pay my therapy session. with yogurt. its a 6 pack of creamy vanilla yogurt specifically from a brand from here which is common but relatively good quality, and i look at it from the outside, the. bowl or whatever now kinda transparent. and i begin panicking more, its barely there inside, and it looks brownish, kinda rotten, as if it was consuming itself, and i begin opening them and my therapist doesnt complain about that shes just kinda confused but like 'ah its fine ill eat them all together' and im like 'no. you wont. look at them. its. bad' so she looks over my shoulder and goes '... oh. the yogurt died' (i think this is because ive been spiralling the last few days bc of mayo for a few reasons tbh)

so yeah. the yogurt died. i was paying therapy in yogurt and the yogurt. died. so i just broke down. i started properly crying. at first she didnt know if she should aproach me but i guess she felt bad and did give me a hug which also sorta helped me calm down but i was also calming down bc irl i dont cry more than like 5 tears except i reach a specific point of breakdown also about the hug. i believe it to be unproffesional afaik but in the dream it was sort of comforting and also i think that whenever i get hugged in dreams i just do cry a lot which. man i think thats its own situation lmao) after that my phone was a bit stuck on one of the holes in the table and shes laughing a bit like 'im not so sure how youre gonna take it off there haha.. good luck' and i just put my hand in there and take it out almost like a puzzle piece with just a bit of force but nothing too difficult.

after that im now in a dining table surrounded by guys that have been classmates at different points in my life. just sorta talking. at this point is where i know that i have therapy whenever i want it/need it bc one of the guys that went to highschool with me (and got himself into an alcohol indused coma during out graduation party) had killed multiple people and im not sure if dream me had actually seen it happening with my own eyes or not but i got the image of blood splatters there as a memory so maybe)

after that we are leaving. its night, everything is dark, also the atmosphere is tense and a bit.. scary? maybe just bc its night. i am leaving with a girl. idk who, its almost like she could have been any of the three friends that i had seen before, or maybe all of them in one, im not really sure. and i think 'fuck i didnt say goodbye to my therapist properly' and i get a bit anxious but also full of guilt so i ask the girl to wait for me, ill go do that real quick.

i find my therapist, shes just there in a room that feels like a greenhouse mixed with an attic, kinda dark but since its made of glass you can see bc of outside lights. i get close like 'ma'am i am so sorry i didnt properly say goodbye to you and i also wanted to thank you' but she seems distant, cold, and maybe a bit angry. i still go back in for a hug and i am in fact tearing up again. she pats me in the back like when someone just gives you the quickest hug so it doesnt last a lot but you still know its sorta okay even tho maybe not fully okay. after that she breaks the hug and says 'if you are acting like this it means i am doing a good job' and she just. leaves. i try to follow her bc well im unwell i dont think i should be alone and it felt like she was abandoning me

so i get close to her, she looks at me how youd look at an animal, a pet, thats just following you everywhere, but also a bit.. disappointed at my behavior? and then when im about to fully reach her i woke up

[marcy-wu-on-the-brain]

When I asked you guys to ask me Amphibia questions a lot of you asked how I felt about Season 3A.  Now that the season is over I decided to just talk about it since yall seemed interested in what I think. First off, do I like season 3A? Yes???? I mean it has...a couple of problems.. The problem is we went from season 2 finale, true colors, to funny frog people in the human world, and it just feels so weird? We literally went from Marcy being  KILLED and then we just went into new normal? The transition just feels weird and I wish we had gotten some sort of talking about true colors. We got two mentions of it, where Anne says Marcy has to be alive, and where Anne says she has to make up with Marcy and Sasha, but thats IT. Ive stated before its okay for Anne to not talk about it, ITS IN CHARACER. But Sprig? no?? I get it if Sprig is being a good friend and not asking, but you would think he would mention something? In season 2 he brings up Sasha a lot, hes KNOWN for bringing up things!! Heck even if he wasn’t bringing up Marcy, he hasn’t mentioned Sasha. ALSO, theres the whole fact that Marcy literally saved Sprig and I haven’t seen anyone in the show talking about that. Another issue I have is the FBI, the Wu’s, and the Waybright’s. The FBI is investigating the frogs, which makes sense they should be, but you would think the FBI would be like “Oh wait- this girl just showed up and her friends aren’t with her what did she do to them” BUT NO. Seriously!! I dont wish any harm another Anne or stress its just why isnt see being investigated for murder or kidnapping. Its also weird that the Wu’s and Waybright’s haven’t shown up. Lets say the Wu’s moved away already, which okay makes sense your daughter was gone for 5 months she may be dead so lets move on. BUT THE WAYBRIGHTS?? im not sure if this is all leading up to showing how bad Marcy’s and Sasha’s homes are, maybe they haven’t contacted the Bounchoys because maybe there too busy in work or something? It doesnt make sense still though, like wouldn’t those kids from the school paper start asking questions about Marcy and Sasha? Okay now onto the good stuff: The new characters are so much fun!! God they just bring me so much joy. Im honestly happy that were getting more nerdy characters (to replace that gap in my heart of loosing Marcy-) Right now my favorite human character is Mrs.bounchoy like honestly who gave her the right to be so great. Anne’s parents are so funny and awesome and support Anne. I like Mr.X hes funny and a new interesting villain (although Idk how hes gonna be wrapped up since Darcy and Andrias are our villains) I just love em all. Okay now we can talk about the Darcy in the room.

I.LOVE.DARCY. lets talk about Olivia and Yunan for now. That episode is by far the best episode in season 3A. Its what we all expected season 3 to be. Its the episode that makes sense coming from true colors. Im not even mad Marcy only got 1 episode (I mean she had to heal for a bit that sword like destroyed her body-). This episode is so distributing while also being really funny at the same time?

Drunk Marcy is literally so funny, shes just vibing the entire time and the whole “ohhh its a projection you know like *finger snap* VR!” “vrrrrr???” “its not real ya goof!!” always gets me BUT THEN. Marcy’s fear is one of the best scenes in Amphibia by far, it is so good and fully shows Marcy’s guilt. It sets up so much for the rest of season 3B and its great. Ill do a separate analysis eventually. AND THAT LAST SCENE. it is so scary and upsetting. Its worst than true colors because Marcy is screaming and very clearly in pain. We know things aren’t gonna go well for her in the future sadly because of this one scene.  Overall do I like season 3? Yes. But do I have some issues with it? Yes Did these issues ruin my experience? No. Season 3A is great and im excited for Season 3B but it better fix these issues-

[chidoroki]

TPN ch181

(spoilers! AAAHHhhaha..my children!)

Okay, so remember in my last review when I said I was impressed how Ray, Gilda and Phil managed to narrow down where Emma might be in the matter of a couple months? Well, I take it back because it hasnt been just a few months, it's been two damn years! Oh my god, I can't imagine how hard it must've been for everyone, especially our two boys, to search for so long without even getting on single clue about Emma's whereabouts. Some of the children still doubt whether she's alive or actually in this world with them or not.

(image limit, so imagine the panels of the Goldy Pond kids discussing the lack of clues and Thoma and Lani doubting the reward again)

Thankfully, Gilda gets the idea to search in forbidden zones which is where we see her, Ray and Phil. Speaking of which, oh my poor boy. This is the longest Ray has been without Emma by his side. I thought the one month after Goldy Pond was hard enough on him, but two whole years? Damn, I can't imagine the stress and anxiety he's been experiencing. He's still so frustrated too and gets so close to Emma without even realizing it. Then, surprisingly, his beloved family steps in to help? The people he personally couldn't save now come together to help him save the one person who originally saved his life. Like, hello?? I love this! Conny, who was another sibling he had to use in order to put his initial escape plan in motion to save Emma and Norman's lives, is now assisting him in saving Emma from being alone. Yuugo, who knows firsthand how important Emma is to Ray and how close they are. Isabella, knowing her son kept his promise as he's always set out to do whatever it takes to protect his entire family. The fact that Ray's lost family members can feel how strong his bond with Emma is and they jump in to help reconnect the two of them again.. just, wow. It may be all the rayemma week feels getting to me but that's like a damn soulmate occurrence if i ever saw one!

The two unknowingly pass each other again but thanks to Emma conveniently losing her necklace and finding it with perfect timing, they all finally encounter each other. Everyone expresses their complete shock and relief that they had finally found Emma, and while I am happy they their search ended up a success, the mood changes fairly quickly due to our girls lost memories. She hasnt the slightest idea who "Emma" is, who these people are or why they're so excited to see her. The kids wonder if they have the right girl, as they take notice of Emma's bare neck.

One look at the necklace in her hand though and Ray finally puts the pieces together. Honestly, I'm not at all surprised he's the one to figure out the true reward, as Ray has been very perceptive since the beginning. He's also always been openly honest and blunt when things get serious, so naturally he's the one who has to let everyone know this because while it's a sad truth no one wants to hear, or even believe, they all need to realize it, including Emma. Even Ray has trouble coming to terms with the sacrifice Emma made. He understands how hard it must have been for Emma to accept the heavy price of her forgetting the family she loves so deeply and he looks so broken when he realizes that. He must be feeling so guilty that he couldn't have been there with her when she made the new promise. He still puts the blame on himself and he's so upset that his failure lead Emma to live in a world alone without the family she cares for more than anything.

I wasn't too satisfied last chapter when demon god told us the real reward and Emma's response was a simple "okay," so I'm grateful we learned more about the conversation now in this chapter. She really did want to live her family. She even knew some of them might get mad at her for keeping a secret. She says it's a selfish request, for her to place such a heavy burden on herself, but what mattered to her back then upon accepting the reward is what has always mattered to her, and that's her family's happiness and safety. It wasn't just her loved one either, but for all the demons and cattle children. This girl truly has a heart of gold and demon god himself is left surprised. Of course I wish she didn't think she was being selfish since everyone did agree to follow her as their leader but aahh.. my poor girl.

Spoiling the very end now, but we dont get one last fullscore trio hug. Of course that upsets me since I thought it would've made such a perfect ending, but it makes sense now given how everyone's reunion with Emma happened. While their happiness and relief is completely understandable after searching two years and finally finding Emma, they overreact and this visibly freaks her out. Come on guys, last time I said to gently remind her of her past, not bombard her right away. Having a ton of strangers surround you and tell you such outlandish things is quite jarring. I'm glad she takes the chance to listen to everyone, but she just doesnt know these people well enough to suddenly hug them. I imagined a hug would've happened upon her recalling some of her memories somehow and feeling relived that she met the two boys she often once dreamt about, but oh well.

Norman takes this time to step in and ease some of the tension, saying how happy he is that Emma's alive and even reiterating some of the things he said to her during his shipment scene. While this chapter soon shows how well the escapees have adapted to the human world and changed, it also puts an emphasis on the boy's true personalities that they showed since the very beginning. I've already mentioned above how Ray stayed true to himself, about him being open and honest to the others with the truth and even his own feelings. With Norman, I don't know the word for him really, but his speech about their family and his feelings remind me of ch1/ep1 where we see him trying to calm Emma down after seeing what they did at the gate. He stayed by her side and remained hopeful even though he was just as scared. Right now, I get the same vibes. He's just as upset as their family upon learning Emma lost her memories, but he still wants her to be apart of their family.

Although it seems like a very rushed way of tying up loose ends, I'm happy to hear about how well the children have been adapting in the human world. They're attending school and following their passions. They all look so happy! The entire Lambda crew is healthy and Cislo even has a prosthetic leg! The medicine made from Adam's dna was successful and also helped those children from the mass production farms. Mike Ratri and the clan are actually being helpful and trustworthy. I absolutely love Norman's comment about Ayshe not killing him! It really makes me smile and I assume that means she's forgiven him.. maybe. Her dogs were indeed able to cross over to the human world too and now there's even more! Chris is finally awake! They seriously have to fill the poor boy in on so much news though.

I get it. It took the entire story for me to understand but now I get Norman's intense feelings. He's been infatuated by this girl since childhood. He told us/Ray his feelings at age 11 then "gave his life" to give her a better chance at survival. He kept living just for the slight possibly to see her again. After almost two years, they reunite, only for about a week or two before they all cross over into the human world and Emma is no where to be seen. Another two years pass and while they all find her, she's almost a completely difference person. Yet Norman's feelings remain so sincere for her that he accepts this new Emma. He lets her know that the bright future she wished for came true. (me? speaking of noremma? even im surprised)

Her head might not have the slightest idea who these people are, but her heart surely remembers! Emma's feelings for her family were so strong that they persisted throughout these entire two years, even after she stopped having those dreams about them. Deep down, and without even realizing it, she loves them so much that it makes her cry.

“Why am I... Even though I don't know them. Though I don't know anything. Though I can't remember. Why... Does it feel warm, but also so painful in my heart? I wanted to see you.”

Seeing everyone else get emotional and expressing their feelings to her right back and having all of them accept this new Emma.. yeah, that has me in tears! Demon god truly underestimated these kids and how deep their love for each other went. Emma's family was never going to give up looking for her because, thanks to her influence, they also didn't believe anything was impossible. “Screw destiny” indeed! (also we never did learn the old dude's name or Emma's new one hm? odd.)

Did Emma get her memories back? No. Did Ray pat her head again so I could die from nostalgia? No, because I'm still here. Did we get a fullscore hug like I originally hoped? No, sadly. The ending isn't picture perfect but honestly, this is still okay. Our precious girl is finally reunited with her family again. Most importantly, they're alive. The trio are teenagers about 15/16 years old now, which amazing since they once believed they wouldn't see a day past the age of 12. Yet here they are, living happy and free in the human world without fear and killing, which is exactly what Emma wished for.

I can't believe the manga is truly finished. It feels like it all went by so quick, but perhaps that's only because I haven't been in the fandom as long as others, like if you've been here since the manga started then I applaud you and can't imagine how sad this must be after four years. The anime is what caught my attention and my love for this series only grew when I jumped into the manga right after season one ended. I must have binged all available chapters at the time in like three days, all the way up to ch129. Since then I've waited patiently week after week to see how this suspenseful story would pan out for out lovable and very large cast of characters. Each new twist and cliffhanger made my brain crazy and stressed me out but it was so great to experience them with everyone.

Also, big thanks to all of you who share your comments on these reviews of mine! Even though I started writing them pretty late into the story and at the most stressful time, it was great to hear so much feedback and experience the exciting finish with everyone. The manga may have ended, but don't let that make the fandom quiet! We still have future manga volume releases to look forward to, the live-action movie that is still set for this December along with a live-action series that was also recently announced. Most importantly, season two of the anime is still scheduled for January 2021! You can bet I'll do reactions for each episode as I normally do with other anime! The series still has so much more content to give us, especially if the anime continues to recieve future seasons over the upcoming years, so of course I'll give my thoughts on all that I can.

I give all my thanks and appreciation to Shirai & Demizu for such a wonderful and suspenseful story, for all the memorable characters and the stunning artwork. The series has truly become my favorite. That's right, I said it! My favorite. TPN has taken over Black Lagoon as my favorite series. (Revy can still keep her spot as my favorite character but I'll be damned if Ray isn't a really really close second.)

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, maybe you coukd give me some tips. I send you that ask already but it means ght be deleted by tumblr and it was all messy and ugly.

So I have one childhood friend, we used to do everything together till highschool. Often she was my only friend, like now. We slowly started to distance from each other sonce she has a boyfriend. For all those years I did my best to accept him and all, told myself that duh she is not obliged to spent time only with me even in situation when she spent less and less time with me. Sometime I had a bit trouble to fully accept bf because sometime when they argued she was venting to me and I felt like his is hurting her but she refused to break up with him. Boy eas very insecure, no friends and so on and one day around graduating junior hight school she wanted to break up with him but he said something like he is gonna hurt himself if she will, or just drop out the school. So she wanted to wait at least until he graduate, but she waited longer. Then just after we graduated hightschool she broke up with him like she had enought. It was prolly a mistake but after she vent I said one or two things about him concerning past events and I said 'wow finally'. After a while they made up and she said she just missend him. I promissed mtself I will never comment whatever she tell me about them, unless in a good way.

Well... the point is that I am probably jellous, that she doesnt want to spent time with me anymore. Alway if I ask her out I give her to eventually pick the date, if nit today then maybe tomorrow etc y know introvert way :D And im trying to save this friendship? She is not the person busy 24/7, unless maybe when she is in uni or we count playing games as being busy. I play games too sometime.

Sometime it seems like she tries to avoid me and dont want to tell me anything. One day I was talking to her in cafee and she was just fidgeting with her phone. She didnt even like heck the socialmedia, just switching between random (system?) folders on the phone. When I asked abt it why she doesnt listen, she said she wanted to do sth but forgot what. Another time I havent seen her for months and she alway soent holidays 1 month her bf comes to her (he lives abroad already I guess) and I dont want to disturb them of feel like third wheel and the other month she come to him. So like week before she pnanned to go I asked her to go out next day. She said she cant. So asked another day, she answered : but I go to my bf. So I surprised that its that soon and sad I missed the oportunity: oh really? When? She: on Friday me: but its Monday(?)(no answer) so...? She: ught I know ;;; but lately I dont really feel like going anywhere :(

Well... maybe I'm childish but I felt sad.

I'm also jellous that they even celebrate each others bdays altought she never do that bc of religious reasons and I've always respected that.

Once I asked her what is with us, we barely talk for last few years and I feel like she is avoiding me. She had no Idea what I was talking about, she felt like everything was the same.

I was told to not have much hope or expectations toward her bu maybe try to text her or maybe arrange a meeting once in a while and try not to become bitter.

The other one sait that that how adulthood looks like, we become busier with private issues and so on and I may act childish and selfish, but as far as I know except for time she go to uni or to her bf she is not that busy, definitely not that busy not to have time to meet with me more than once in a whole year (or none) when we live ~20min apart by foot. I dont want to be burden to anyone or feel like third wheel so I dunno what to do. I have problem with finding friends, she was my only one friend (?) for years. I dont trust ppl easly

I wanted to do more things together outside since we both used to or still do soent too much time on the computer but well... you know, together is easier.

Since I have to do it on my own maybe you have some ideas? Thats stupid wuestion I guess since you dont know my environment. Jogging and biking wont work I guess since I dont have proper bike. I wanted to plant some flowers but I was afraid I screw everything up since im kida kid who grow up in the bubble and Im not sure how to do basics and nobody wanted to help me and its too late already... Walk is fine but I prefer places far from road and since I'm not supposed to go to the forest that I love I dont have many spots to go.

I am sorry for long post. Any even tiny help would be appreaciated. I hope thats not much of the problem, have a nice day or night :)

-PineconeAnon

I do think that it's time for you to let go of the friendship. I know that's hard to do but people grow apart and that's okay. It's okay. You'll be able to make better relationships and move forward but you have to learn to let go and keep walking forward. It sounds like you're holding onto this friendship because you want to keep going on like it's the past but...

It doesn't work like that. Change happens. It hurts sometimes but it's not a bad thing. You can reflect on this with time and learn how to be able to accept it. You need someone that wants to hang out with you and relax with you. It's not childish to be upset but it's important to see when people just... don't have time for you anymore and feelings change.

It just seems like you both have a fundamental misunderstanding and if you can't talk that through, then it's not working. You can try to talk about it but it seems like it'd be better to just let go. She doesn't think there's something wrong but you do. If you feel stress around her instead of friendship, it's not great.

But, that's up to you, you know? You decide your relationships what you want them to be.

I don't really have great advice for making friends as an adult. I'm not exactly going out and interacting with people. I can suggest finding a new set of friends online by joining Discords and interacting with the fandoms you're in because that's how I've made friends. It's easier to do that if you're anxious about making friends outside.

Try new hobbies. Take a deep breath. If you want to garden, try it out. You're not going to be perfect the first time. It's a learning process at anything and you have to just try. You don't get to live it if you don't try. You have to consider your limits and reflect on what is going to be the easiest thing to try.

It's never too late.

Try to start small and work your way up.

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would react to you being pregnant. (obvs jackie’s pregnant in her scenario.)

Jackie Varma:

god she’d be pissed!!!!!!

“what do you mean positive??? check the other ten tests!!!!”

“jack, all of them say posi-“ “shut up!!!”

she’d be mad, mostly at herself for not being careful enough

pregnancy on top of money problems is rough

good thing you two already live together

wouldnt acknowledge it until she started showing

“dr varma, ure pregnant???” “yeah, just ignore it.”

shed ignore you at the beginning, not knowing what to do

“jackie, c’mon, you cant keep ignoring me! it takes to two to tango!” “i can and i will,”

when you finally force her to come shopping for baby clothes, supplies, furniture etc, she loves it

“omg look how adorable! can you believe our baby’s feet are this small!”

she’d become insecure further into the pregnancy

“what if im not going to be a good mom, hm?”

“don’t say that, jack, you’ll be a great mom,”

you two would move into the your room, since it had a better view and change her room into a nursery

the boys would help you put everything together.

“bryce, that’s not where its supposed to be- ykw forget it.”

“jesus, dr ramsey do you even know how to-“ bryce would shut up just seeing ethan give him a glare

“see i knew raf would come around to save the day” she’d flirt with him, making him blush

cutest mood swings ever!!!

“all im saying is he’s a fucking jerk and i- ohhh sienna are those donuts?”

jackie would get stressed at the weirdest moments, and you kiss her and cuddle with her to calm her down

“mc, you know i hate kids, why did this have to happen to us!!!!”

she’d slowly come to terms with the fact that she was going to become a parent

god giving birth would scare this woman, and trust me not a lot of things scare her

“mc, what if-“ “jack, breath, everything will be fine!”

when you two found out you’d have a daughter she smiled

“at least i wont have to deal with a little mc” she’d joke

when she got in labour she’d curse at everyone!!!

“AND YOU! YOU MC ARE THE WORST ONE HERE! GETTING ME PREGNANT AND THAN MAKING ME DO THE HARD PART I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

“uhhh....”

after a couple of years, the three of you would move into a bigger apartment, still close to the hospital

god, your daughter absolutely lovessssssssss aunt sienna and uncle elijah!!!! these two dorks would hang around with her all the time

“dad, can i stay at aunt sienna’s after school?”

“she’s working today sweetheart but mommy will be there to pick you up”

you two would have some sweet, annoying nicknames for her

love, sweetheart, sugar, honey etc

Bryce Lahela:

he’d be excited and scared

he would freeze when he found the positive pregnancy test in his trashcan

“i wanted to tell you but seems like you already found out,”

he’d shut you out and be less loud at work

“bryce, please talk to me” “uhh, cant have a long shift today”

but one day you’d show up to his apartment, keiki opened the door

“oh hey keiki, is bryce home?” “yeah come in”

youd try to get him to talk but man he was not feeling it

“i just need some space mc,”

wouldnt even take a week for him to come over and apologize to you

“im just not sure if i’d make a good dad, i mean i had two bad examples growing up, what if i-“

youd cut him off with a kiss

“no need to stress, bryce, im certain you will make a great dad!”

you two would have to look for a bigger place, and also someone to fill your spot at the apartment

sienna, elijah and jackie would help you decorate the nursery

“jackie those colours do not match with the blankets i bought” sienna would say while jackie just rolled her eyes

“well maybe you shouldn’ve bought so! many! blankets!” jackie said while holding up multiple blankets

“guys please its mc and bryce’s child we can’t fight over this” elijah was the only one who would think rationally

when you found out you were having a son bryce almost jumped into the air

“a little bryce,,,,” he’d say with heart eyes, making you roll your eyes

when you went into labour, he’d be the one freaking out

“can’t believe im saying this when im the one in labour, but good god bryce calm down!”

uncle raf!!!!! aunt kyra!!!!!

rafael and kyra would absolutely adore your son!!!! theyd fight over whose turn it was to babysit

“kyra, you had him last weekend!” “but mc said he always talks about how fun aunt kyra is!”

“why dont you two take him to the park together? he loves both aunt kyra and uncle rafael equally” bryce would say, making the two adults reluctantly agree

“finally a moment alone with the woman of my dreams” he said the second they left, making you chuckle

keiki would hang out with your son. occasionally.

“aunt keiki can you read me a bedtime story?” “right. im aunt keiki.”

she’d love it secretly

Rafael Averio: (pretending sora doesnt exist here lol)

this man would beam with joy!!!

he had always dreamt of having a big family of his own

“youre pregnant?” “yeah.... i-“ he’d kiss you before you could even say anything else

would brag to everyone about it

“do you guys know im goin-“ “going to be a dad? yes raf you told us like a million times” his paramedic friends would say

it was even funnier when you saw how some people avoided him because of it

would not leave ur side

“jesus ever heard of personal space?” “oops sorry”

he’d be at ur apartment all the time

“raf, not that we don’t enjoy you being here but don’t you idk have other friends?” jackie would try to get him out of the house

sienna’d be fine with it since he would help her cook n bake stuff

“i didnt know you cooked!” “not really just some stuff i picked up from my grandma”

he’d sleep over at your apartment

when you got insecure he’d talk to you and make u forgot about it in a certain way ;)

“what if im not a good mom? or what if your fanily doesn’t approve of me?? oh good god this is not going how i imagined-“ “relax, you know my family loves you, now get over here”

you’d move in with him, and get someone to fill ur spot in the apartment

the two of you going to the senior center together!!!

“now edith you better not get to comfortable” you’d joke, earning a laugh from rafael

kyra and bryce would come over and help with the nursery, of course it was after the boys’ gym day so bryce dragged ethan with them

“hey gu- oh hey dr ramsey!” you’d say with a bright smile when you opened the front door.

“kyra not that i dont love you but what even is this?” “yeah i tried to make a blanket but as you can see it backfired”

“uhm ethan you sure that this is the color we picked out?” bryce would panic, knowing damn well they didnt do the one you asked them to do right

“well good thing aunt kyra did got the good color” she’d go get it from the car while the two men started at her in confussion

when you found out you were having a girl he got super excited

“a little mc running around the house” he’d say, already coming up with names

when you’d go into labour he’d put up a calm gentle persona while in reality he wanted to screammmmm

uncle bryce n aunt jackie!!!

u cant tell me bryce n raf havent become close friends

“hey dad can uncle bryce and aunt jackie stay for dinner?” “sweetie youre ignoring the rest of our guests”

even tho they would admit it bryce and jackie loved babysitting her

“do you want to come with uncle bryce?” “bryce thats enough its MY day!”

his family would come around often, bringing gifts every single time

his grandma would try to get him to propose, earning glares from him

when your daughter heard juliana say something along the lines of “when is the wedding” she’d get super excited!!!

“are you two really getting married??!!”

Ethan Ramsey:

you two would already be in an awkward position bc of the gwyneth thing

what was worse was that he admitted to not wanting to get married and have children

god, that little fight on the way to leland and at house took a toll on you, so when june came to check on you back in the hospital you told her

“so, youre pregnant?” “yeah” you’d sob

she wouldnt force you to tell her who the dad is, but it was obvious

before the fight you’d always come to the diagnostics team’s meetings with a smile on your face but now it was a neutral face or sometimes even a frown

soooo ethan found out. not directly from you, but from june, resulting in another fight

“you told june but not me?” “you dont even want kids i cant just casually bring it up!”

the awkwardness would be there for a while, im talking 2-3 months

“enough already! you two talk this out! not only is this bad enough for the two of you but also for me and baz! think about us! and our patients!” june’d snap one day

you’d talk it out, still awkward around each other

“jesus, ethan we can’t keep doing this, i have an appointment to check on the little one, you want to join?” you would try to keep the awkwardness at a certain level, he’d nod with a smile on his face

so when he found out he was having a son, he’d be happy, still very scared but very happy

“im sorry, mc. i acted as a jerk and didnt listen to your needs. i want to be in your and our baby’s lives.”

he’d ask you to move in with him, which you reluctantly agreed to, i mean there wasnt even enough space for a nursery in your apartment

sienna would invite herself and elijah over to help you with the nursery , since they knew about you two since that time after the hearing

“thank you, trinh,” ethan would say as he accepted the cookies she had baked

“i helped too. just so you know” elijah chimed in, earning a chuckle from you

god labour was the worst, you had to do an emergency c section since it was a bit too early for the baby to be born

so when they send your son off to the nicu, ethan would be there the whole time, very worried

“dr ramsey, you should go we’ll take care of him” the nurses would try to get him out of there with no luck, “no its fine i just want to stay here”

when you two could finally go home he would make sure to never youre side

“mc do you need anything? want me to bring you something to drink? maybe an extra blanke-“ “ethan shut uppppppppppppppppp its 3 am”

of course your friends would come over but not as often since they had to take care of their interns and stuff

uncle baz and aunt june!!!!!

“AUNT JUNE!!!!” he’d yell when you, june and baz picked him up from the daycare at the hospital

“wow so youre just ignoring uncle baz?” baz would act hurt, making the boy laugh

[2badshewonteatacookie]

HOW TO STOP BINGING

Hey guys,

I see a lot of people who are struggling with binge eating in this Community. And I don't mean the "oh I ate over 1000 calories" binging, I mean the 3.000 -over 10.000 calories binging.

My Story : I always had a fast metabolism and was always the skinny girl who would eat a lot. Then I discoverd the pro-ana community and I thought I could become even skinnier, so I started restricting, but I always stayed over 1000 calories. I lost a lot of weight people where concerned and always commenting on how skinny and unhealthy I looked blablabla, I loved it. But then I would have these cravings and I would eat a lot, so I got back to my starting weight, over the years it got worse because I would try to restrict during the week and always binge on the weekend. Holidays where the worst, because I had no routine and would binge every day. Last year I finshed high school and started a gap year in the USA and maybe going to the US with binge eating disorder was the worst Idea of my life. In the last 8 month I gained over 22 lbs /10 kg. A lot of shit happend at home and I wasn't there, so I would eat my feelings, I would stay in bed for weeks and eat 10 whole meals a day until I thought I would die from a heart attack because I ate so much. I have a 9 to 5 job in an Office right now, so I dont move a lot. Most days I get up go to Work and have lunch, go back home have dinner, eat a lot of Snacks watch TV go to bed. But since a few weeks I am binge free, I still eat too much and not healthy all the time, but it's getting better slowly and I already lost some Weight. So here are my things that help me.

🌻Accept it.

You have Binge eating disorder, Yeah it sucks, and it's gonna happen again! Nothing sucks more than having this anorexic beauty standart /goal in your head, but binge eating at the same time. But this is where we are right now, so accept it. And dont promise yourself to never binge again, this will put you under pressure and you will most likley binge again! Promise yourself to get better.

🥗 Eat healthy.

All this processed food will lead to more cravings and wont make you full. Also healthy food is lower in calories, more nutrional and will make you feel better.

📺 Eat mindful.

Don't eat in front of any media. If you have time prepare your food and eat slowly. I used to eat every meal while watching something on my Phone, to the point where I couldnt watch something without craving food. Yeah eating in silence is boring but it will stop you from over eating. Also dont eat in your room!

🕛Eat regulary

Try to eat at the same time every Day. That doesnt mean you have to eat exactley at 12pm but try to eat around that time. What Works for me is having 3 big meals a day. But there are so many options like 3 meals two snacks etc. Just try to have a routine. It helps especially when you have trouble knowing when you are hungry or full. I try not to eat after 7pm because I know that thats mostly emotional /binge eating. And dont freak out if something unplanned is happening and you can't eat at that certain time. Its ok thats life. Try again tomorrow.

👭Eat with friends.

Especially when you feel like binging. Call a friend, do a sleepover. Eating with others will stop you from eating like a pig. Maybe you will still overeat but at least not until your stomache hurts.

😴 Get enough sleep.

If you lack of sleep your body is trying to get the energy from food, so you will eat more. Try to get 7-9 hours every night. And have a certain bedtime. I had most of my binges after 10pm but if you sleep you can't eat!

🏡 Get out of the house.

If you are at home it's easier to binge. No one is watching you and you have all the food around you. Try to have something to do every Day. Meet with friends, get a hobby. Even if you have work to do, do it somewhere else like the libary.

🙅Avoid Stress.

Bad feelings like stress will lead to binging. If you have a big project to do and you don't know how to start and you procastinate, that will lead to guild and stress. Start early, ask for help, prepare for a binge. Dont let other people Stress you, especially family members love to tell you how many things you should be doing and how far you are behind and how easy it is to do All of this. Its ok, breathe, especially with Depression and an eating disorder it often feels like you are stuck in life and everyone else figured it out. Its not like that! Your trying! As long as you keep trying you are not stuck!!!

👸Don't compare yourself to others!!!!

This is maybe the most improtant one. Dont compare yourself, yes there are people where it seems like there are perfect, they have all this energy and they are good in everything. But who cares? They are not you, you should only compare yourself with yourself. Everything else will make you feel like you can never do it and you will never be good enough. But if you only Focus on your own progress you will get happy and stay motivated.

🐢 Be slow.

Yes I know we all want to see change as soon as possible. But change takes time. Think about where you would be right now if you made slow but constant progress?! Yeah we see all these people who eat under 1000 calories exercise every day and have straight A's. But you tried that right? It worked for a week and then you binge again. Dont overwhelm yourself Start slow. Start with one challange a week. Set yourself realistic Goals. For example exercise 4 times a week. Thats your goal for the week nothing else. You could stay in bed all Day and eat, as long as you exercise 4 times a week. It works, I promise you wont stay in bed all Day, but if your brain thinks you could then it doesnt feel like restricting and you wont binge. Its So weird but the Moment you tell yourself Im gonna binge again and it's ok, you are less likley to binge. The mindset, I never gonna binge again, is the most dangerous.

⭐Dont be a fucking perfectionist!

I told myself so many times Im gonna eat healthy and then I would eat one drop of olive oil and be like fuck it now Im gonna eat 10.000 calories of junk! There are so many diffrend ways to reach your goal! Not this one perfect way. And even the most perfect people are not always perfect. You dont have to be perfect to reach your goal!!!!!!!! Slow progress!!!! Kill your All or nothing mindest!!

🍕Enjoy your binge.

If you are about to binge, keep calm, Trink some water. Call a friend, prepare your binge food, try to make it more healthy,for example vegan junk food or stuff like hummus and Avocado, wich are tasty and high in calories but healthy. Binging on more healthy food will make you feel better than binging on McDonalds and your skin is not going to break out, also it is hader to eat as many calories with healthy food. Enjoy the food, dont just swallow it!

🚫Dont restrict the day after!

It seems so logic right? I binge, now Im gonna starve the next Day. But this will ALWAYS lead to another binge. Dont skip meals! Move on as if nothing happend!

🤸Learn to fill the void

Lets be honest there are only 2 reason why we binge,1. You don't eat enough and your body is trying to get the nutrition. And 2. you're trying to feel better. Tasty food is releasing Dopamin and we feel good, at least while we are eating. But after you binge you feel disgusting and like a failure. So you have to find something else to fill that void. I read once that for every Bad habit you want to break you need 5 good habits. So find something that makes you happy. Start your Day dancing to your favourite songs. Meet with friends. Exercise. Watch your favourite Show without any distraction. Draw. Masturbate :) whatever makes you happy.

🌈Stay motivated.

Remember, progress is slow. Sometimes you wont see any change, your brain will tell you it's not worth it and to just give up. Remember why you started. Keep a tumblr with stuff that inspires and motivates you, but don’t compare yourself with others! Search for people who have the same problems it's not a race, be Kind to each other motivate each other. And don’t use your whole energy for this one goal, focuse on other things in life, time will go faster that way. Dont search for change in the morrior everyday! You got this!

🍑Hope this helps someone. If you have more Tips please share. If you have questions ask me and if you want to chat, message me.

Sorry for my spelling btw.

[isabvllas]

         ♡ . *  (   jennie  kim,  cis  female,  she  /  her   )   have  you  heard   ?   it  seems  like  the  heir  of  the  MUN  dynasty  was  very  close  to  liam  yu  too.  they  go  by  ISABELLA  and  they  were  liam’s  FAMILY  FRIEND.  their  networth  is  of  82M  and  they’re  only  TWENTY-THREE  …  what  a  burden  it  must  be.  i  heard  they  can  be  very  COQUETTISH  and  VIVACIOUS.  but  these  last  few  months,  their  DISINGENUOUS  and  VAIN  personality  has  been  showing  more.  the  media  is  sure  having  a  field  day  with  them   !   i  hope  this  road  trip  with  friends  will  help  them.  did  you  know  that  CHEWING  BUBBLEGUM  AFTER  LUNCH,  WHISPERING  SECRETS  TO  A  LOVER,  CANDY  HEARTS  and  PILLOWS  STAINED  WITH  TEARS  really  show  their  true  persona   ?    maybe  liam  was  the  only  one  who  knew  that  ...   

         hi  everyone,  i’m  so  happy  to  be  here   !!!   my  name  is  diana,  i’m  twenty,  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns,  and  reside  in  the  est  timezone.  some  quick  facts  abt  me:  i’m  a  libra  and  girl  group  stan   !!   below  u  can  read  a  bit  abt  my  muse  isabella  hehe  if  u  like  this  post  i’ll  hit  u  up  for  plots   !!!   my  discord  is   missing blackpink hours#5522  if  u  wanna  message  me  there,  but  if  not,  im’s  work  just  fine  <3

♡ . *    𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔    !

full  name :  isabella  grace  mun

nickname(s)  :  bella,  isa  (  by  liam  only  )

age  :  twenty-three

zodiac  :  libra  sun,  scorpio  moon   (  click  )

sexuality  :  bisexual

alignment  :  chaotic  neutral

pinterest  :  click

♡ . *    𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅    !   (   drug  tw   )

keeping  up  appearances  has  always  been  the  mun  family’s  main  focus.  everything  they  do  is  an  attempt  to  better  their  public  image.  her  parents  marriage  was  merely  another  business  agreement  between  two  powerful  families

her  father’s  side  works  in  finance  and  investments,  while  her  mother’s  side  owns  one  of  the  wealthiest  PR  firms  in  the  world

her  parents  got  married  because  there  was  nothing  the  public  loved  more  than  family.  you  could  get  away  with  almost  anything  with  the  illusion  strong  family  values  under  your  belt.  isabella’s  conception  was  just  part  of  the  arrangement

her  mother  was  not  particularly  maternal.  her  husband  was  a  few  years  to  her  senior,  so  she  was  still  fairly  young  when  she  got  pregnant.  however,  they  had  already  been  married  for  two  years  and  a  baby  was  part  of  the  deal

isabella  was  passed  along  through  a  string  of  nannies.  none  of  them  stuck  around  long  enough  to  give  her  the  emotional  support  she  so  desperately  desired.  she  clung  to  adult  figures  throughout  the  majority  of  her  childhood,  from  boarding  school  teachers  to  private  tutors

as  she  grew  older,  however,  she  began  to  understand  the  way  of  things.  she  barely  spent  any  time  with  her  parents,  but  the  one  thing  she  learned  from  her  father  was  how  to  look  out  for  herself.  no  one  else  was  going  to  do  it  for  her

throughout  secondary  school,  she  perfected  the  art  of  getting  what  she  wants.  she’d  put  on  a  sweet,  helpless  act  to  manipulate  those  around  her.  she  became  fluent  in  lying,  and  it  always  worked  to  her  advantage  that  she  had  a  face  people  could  trust

she  spent  her  teen  years  growing  a  social  media  following,  becoming  a  beauty  influencer.  she  was  seen  as  an  it  girl,  credited  for  starting  various  fashion  trends

without  anyone  looking  after  her,  isabella  was  able  to  do  whatever  she  wanted.  however,  she  also  learned  from  her  parents  the  importance  of  maintaining  a  pristine  image.  so,  she  partied  and  had  her  fun  out  of  the  public  eye,  or  so  she  thought

at  seventeen,  isabella  had  her  first  coke  scandal  after  pictures  of  her  were  leaked  to  the  tabloids.  it  was  like  a  rich  kids  right  of  passage.  her  parents  were  furious  with  her.  for  a  moment,  isabella  felt  hopeful.  they  were  furious  because  they  cared,  right  ?  unfortunately  for  her,  it  wasn’t  because  of  what  she  was  doing.  they  were  only  angry  she  was  stupid  enough  to  get  caught

isabella’s  mother  took  care  of  cleaning  up  her  image.  after  all,  damage  control  is  what  she  knew  how  to  do  best.  isabella  was  forced  to  take  a  break  from  social  media.  according  to  the  statement  her  family  put  out,  she  was  under  a  lot  of  stress  from  running  a  social  media  empire  at  such  a  young  age.  as  per  her  mother’s  instructions,  her  social  media  blackout  lasted  a  year.  by  the  time  she  was  back  in  the  public  eye,  she  had  graduated  high  school  and  was  started  the  next  chapter  of  her  life

however,  the  year  she  took  away  from  social  media  was  the  most  time  she  had  ever  spent  with  her  parents.  she  was  forced  to  stay  with  them  so  they  could  keep  her  from  further  tarnishing  the  perfect  image  they  had  created  for  themselves.  during  this  time,  she  found  out  she  hated  her  parents.  they  were  cold,  and  completely  emotionless

she  felt  alone  most  of  the  time.  her  friends  were  almost  always  fake,  and  so  was  she.  she  was  always  putting  on  a  mask  too,  so  it’d  be  unfair  to  even  judge.  but  the  only  person  she  could  ever  trust  was  herself.  except  liam  was  different

she  knew  liam  her  whole  life  through  familial  connections,  but  she  only  got  closer  to  him  over  recent  years.  he  seemed  to  be  the  only  person  who  could  understand  her.  she  started  to  confide  in  him  with  a  lot  of  things.  he  made  her  feel  less  alone,  a  true  friend.  it  was  unlike  anything  she  had  ever  experienced  before  and  she  wasn’t  used  to  anyone  genuinely  caring.  he  would  let  her  sleepover  whenever  she  was  going  through  something

his  loss  hit  her  hard.  even  though  she  tries  to  appear  like  she’s  grieving  his  loss  healthily,  she  isn’t.  isabella  has  convinced  herself  she’s  cursed,  like  his  loss  was  her  fault  just  because  he  was  associated  to  her.  like  everything  she  touches  falls  apart.  she  kinda  started  using  drugs  again  more  heavily  because  of  everything,  where  before  she  mainly  only  used  in  social  settings

♡ . *    𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚    !

isabella  appears  to  be  an  extrovert  on  the  surface.  even  though  most  of  it  is  an  act,  she  has  a  lively  presence.  she  likes  to  be  the  life  of  the  party  and  the  center  of  attention,  but  when  it  comes  down  to  it,  it’s  just  part  of  the  persona  she  puts  on  for  others

she’s  playfully  flirty  with  almost  everyone.  it  started  as  a  way  to  manipulate  people,  but  she  also  finds  amusement  in  it  now.  to  her,  everything  life  is  a  game  and  she  wants  to  win

she  is  always  trying  to  manipulate  people  for  her  own  selfish  gain,  however,  she’s  extremely  careful  to  be  lowkey  about  it  so  no  one  really  knows.  she  appears  to  be  very  sincere  and  considerate  of  others.  most  people  view  her  as  harmless,  which  is  exactly  what  she  wants.  she  wants  people  to  underestimate  her

isabella  can  be  quite  full  of  herself.  she  obsesses  over  her  appearance  like  24/7  partially  due  to  her  social  media  presence.  she  won’t  leave  the  house  without  looking presentable  because  she  refuses  to  be  spotted  looking  bad

but  aside  from  obsessing  over  her  looks,  she  also  has  a  superiority  complex.  she  thinks  she’s  better  and  smarter  than  most  people,  but  she  doesn’t  show  this  side  of  herself  too  often

she  loves  to  go  out  and  be  in  the  presence  of  strangers.  she  feels  closer  to  them  than  to  the  people  she  actually  knows.  but  it’s  one  of  the  reasons  she  loves  parties  so  much.  asksjhkjsh  like  that  part  in  great  gatsby  where  that  girl  was  like  large  parties  are  much  more  intimate  !!!  that’s  bella 

her  life  is  ultimately  unfulfilling  tho,  because  the  way  she  masquerades  around  pretending  to  be  one  way  just  to  use  people  for  her  own  benefit  has  left  her  completely  alone.  she  seeks  real  friendships  and  relationships  deep  down,  but  she  does  everything  in  her  power  to  bury  this  side  of  herself.  she  also  seeks  validation  but  doesnt  care  enough  about  anyone’s  opinions  to  ever  receive  it

♡ . *    𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅  𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔    !

partner  in  crime  -  someone  who  she  can  scheme  with,  someone  who  will  play  these  little  games  with  her,  someone  she  has  fun  with

ex-lover  -  there  could  b  more  than  one  of  these   !!!    they  could  have  ended  on  bad  terms  or  good  terms,  still  have  lingering  feels  or  tension  maybe  they’re  friends  or  maybe  they  just  try  to  stay  away  from  each  other 

unrequited  crush  -  ur  muse  could  have  a  crush  on  her  and  maybe  she’s  oblivious  or  maybe  she  uses  it  to  her  advantage.  OR  we’d  have  to  plot  this  out  well  but  maybe  she  has  genuine  feelings  for  your  muse  and  doesn’t  know  what  to  do  about  it  because  this  never  really  happens

requited  feelings  -  speaks  for  itself,  but  our  muses  have  feelings  for  each  other.  ik  isabella  would  make  things  complicated  just  because  it  would  be  hard  for  her  to  accept  that  she  actually  cares  about  someone  that  isn’t  herself

will they,  won’t  they  -  there’s  tension  between  them,  but  nothing  has  ever  come  out  of  it  yet.  maybe  something  has  almost  happened,  maybe  they’ve  kissed  once,  but  either  way  the  tension  lingers  in  the  air  whenever  they’re  together

flirtationship  -  they  flirt  with  each  other  constantly,  but  nothing  has  ever  come  from  their  flirting.  maybe  they  have  good  chemistry,  but  haven't  done  anything  about  it  and  maybe  they  don’t  want  to.  maybe  they  don’t  want  to  ruin  a  good  thing 

current fling/friends  w  benefits -  someone  she  is  currently  seeing.  it’s  most  likely  no  strings  attached,  but  maybe  it’s  someone  she  genuinely  cares  about  as  a friend

enemies  w  benefits  -  imagine  the  tension   !!!   they  started  out  hating  each  other  but  ended  up  hooking  up.  maybe  it  was  a  one  time  thing,  or  maybe  they  can’t  stop  going  back  to  each  other.  maybe  they  keep  it  a  secret  and  don’t  want  anyone  else  to  know.  this  could  develop  in  soooo  many  ways  pls  this  is  so  sexy  !!!!

party  buddies  -  they  always  go  to  parties  together.  maybe  they  don’t  see  each  other  outside  of  parties,  maybe  they  met  at  a  party  and  started  hanging  out  more  afterwards

drug  /  alcohol  buddies  -  someone  she  gets  fucked  up  with.  maybe  they’re  not  that  close  when  they’re  sober,  but  are  way  closer  when  under  the  influence

ex-friends  -  someone  she  used  to  consider  a  close  friend,  but  they  had  a  falling  out  for  whatever  reason  n  maybe  they  strongly  dislike  each  other  now,  which  means  isabella  is  probably  trying  to  plot  their  down  fall

sibling-like friendship  -  someone  she  sees  like  a  sibling.  since  she’s  an  only  child,  i’d  love  a  friendship  that  feels  like  family

unlikely  friends  -  a  pair  you  wouldn't  imagine  would  be  friends,  but  for  whatever  reason,  they  get  along  well

cousins  -  they  could  get  along  well,  or  maybe  there’s  family  drama  that  makes  them  hate  each  other

take  care  -  someone  who  looks  after  her  when  she  drinks  to  much   !!!   someone  who  keeps  her  out  of  trouble  when  she’s  under  the  influence.  she  would  probably  feel  extremely  weird  like  when  she’s  sober  bc  someone  taking  care  of  her  ???  feels  fake  2  her

confidant  -  someone  who  confides  in  her  or  someone  she  confides  in,  or  they  confide  in  each  other.  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  the  closest  friends  ever,  but  they  get  along  and  maybe  they  talk  more  in  private

rivals  -  they  don’t  like  each  other  for  whatever  reason,  which  we  can  plot. maybe  it’s  jealousy  or  their  personalities  just  clash,  but  for  whatever  reason  they  do  not  get  along

frenemies  -  they’re  great  friends  to  each  other’s  faces,  but  when  they’re  not  around  each  other,  they  act  questionably

bad  influence  -  someone  she  is  a  bad  influence  on.  maybe  she’s  manipulating  them,  or  just  encourages  them  to  do  bad  things  and  they  listen  to  her  for  whatever  reason

that’s  everything  !!!  i’m  soooo  sorry  this  got  a  lil  lengthy,  it  wasn’t  my  intention  but  also  idk  how  2  shut  up  AJKDSHDJH  anyway  i’m  so  excited  to  plot  with  u  all  and  start  interacting,  so  hit  me  up  on  discord  or  im’s  or  i’ll  come  to  u  <3

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[soybeantree]

blossom 

pairing: mark x reader  genre/warning: singleparent!reader, teacher!mark; some soft shit word count: 7k description: soft mark as your son’s teacher. a/n:  buckle in buttercups

“Do you ever feel like your life is spiraling down a black hole headed nowhere?” “No. Is that an adult thing?”

 The young boy sitting across the table from you asks, pausing in his breakfast consumption. Sighing, you put down your spoon and shake your head. “No, I think it’s a me thing. Your mom is a mess. Have I apologized to you lately that you ended up with me as a mom?” The young boy chuckles and shakes his head. “You’re a great mom and a beautiful mess.” He says as he stands up and clears his dishes, heading for the sink. “I’m a blessed mess.” You call over your shoulder as you stand up. “It’s the only way I could end up with a kid like you.” You add as you follow your son’s example and place your dishes in the sink. As you start to rinse them off, you catch sight of the clock. “Oh, shhh-It’s time to go!” You save yourself, shooting your son a smile. The kid shakes his head. “Swear jar.” “I didn’t say it.” “Swear jar.” His arms cross his chest, and his feet stand firm. Your cause is lost. “Fine. Go grab your jacket and backpack. And hurry about it!” You call as he disappears into his room. Heading towards the annoyingly large glass jar which sits in the far corner of your living, you dump all of your change into it. The jar is nearly full, and the sight makes you cringe. The past few weeks at work have been stressful, leading to your statement at breakfast and the full jar. While you hope the trend won’t continue, reality leads you to believe otherwise. You do need to find a better outlet for your stress though, or you’re going to end up broke. “Mom!” “Coming.” You rush to the entryway, slipping on shoes before dashing out the door your son is so kindly holding open. His school is close by, the reason you chose the apartment. He insists that being ten he is old enough to walk to school by himself. You insist that being twenty-eight you are not old enough for him to walk to school on his own. You plan on living a long and healthy life, and if something happens to him, you’ll either end up dead from grief or in jail for vengeance. So the two of you walk to school together. These couple minutes are sacred to you. With all the stress and demands of work, time with your son is scarce, so you take advantage of every minute you have. “Alright, what do I need to know about this coming week?” You ask as you head down the street. Your son walks silently beside you, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. “What is it?” You ask at his hesitation. “We are currently in a full honesty, no judgment zone. Didn’t you see the sign we just passed?” You gesture over your shoulder to the non-existent sign behind you. He cracks a smile and shakes his head. “There was no sign mom.” “Okay, but my point still stands.” Taking a deep breath, he starts. “I want to make a deal with you.” His eyes dart to yours, and you nod urging him to continue. “If you say yes, you can take back all the money in the swear jar.” The money in the swear jar is designated for charity. You two had come up with this deal when he was in first grade and was sent to the principle’s office for swearing in class. You had been mortified but were even more mortified when you realized it was your fault. That day you had told him that swearing in school was not okay and promised that you would stop swearing, and that ff he caught you swearing, then you would put all the change in your wallet into the swear jar. Once it was full, you would take all the money and donate it to the charity of his choice. While you hadn’t been able to keep your promise as diligently as you would have liked, you two had donated quite a bit to charities. “Kid, that money-” He holds up his hand though, and you zip your lips. It’s his time to talk. “At the end of the month, we’re going to have a choir concert.” Everything within you plummets as your mind follows the path he’s laying out. “Minnie’s mom was supposed to help with the costumes and the set, but she broke her arm and can’t. Mr. Mark can’t do it all by himself, and he asked if any other parent’s might be able to help. I know you’re busy with work, but no other parent’s can help and if Mr. Mark doesn’t get any help then we can’t do the concert and-and…” His shoulders heave, and his eyes start to glisten, and you stare back at him helpless. Ever since that first day when the doctor placed this tiny bundle in your arms, you’ve been helpless whenever you look in those eyes. “Okay.” “Okay? You’ll do it!” He bounces on his feet, smiling up at you so brightly, and you know if you could you would give this kid the world. “Yes, yes, I’ll do it.” “Mr. Mark will be so happy.” He beams as he starts to skip down the street. “Mhm.” You nod as you follow him at a more moderate pace. Mr. Mark. Mark Tuan was your son’s first grade teacher, the one who had sent him to the office for swearing. He was there when you came to pick him up. Your son had been in tears. He hadn’t realized what he said was a bad word. Mommy said it all the time. He didn’t want to be a bad kid. Mark had sat beside him, telling him that just because he said a bad word didn’t mean that he was a bad kid. People made mistakes. He just needed to learn from his mistake, so that way he didn’t make them again. Standing down the hall watching the interaction, your mind was a war of emotions, the chief being mortification. You were mortified that you were teaching your son to cuss; that because of you, he felt this way about himself; and that Mark witnessed it all. The second emotion was gratitude. You were grateful that Mark was the one who witnessed it, that he would sit with your son and comfort him, and that he had somehow found a way back into your life. Fate is funny, you think as you give your son a kiss and send him off to school. While the goodbye embarrasses him as it would any ten year old boy, he lets you do it every morning. Because, as he has told you so many times, his love for you is greater than any embarrassment. You hope it’s something he learned from you. That cussing isn’t the only thing you’ve taught him.  Your love for him is greater than any embarrassment. You wish it was the same for your family. Heading towards the nearby bus stop, your mind wanders through old memories. You were young when you had your son. Fresh out of high school, you found out you were pregnant. You were unwed and unemployed with only your family to lean on, except you couldn’t. They wouldn’t let you. Coming back from another unsuccessful job hunt, you had found a suitcase on your parent’s doorstep with all your clothes in it. Your father wasn’t pleased with what had happened you could tell that by his stony silence and your mother was always looking away when you entered a room, but they were your parents. They should love you more than any embarrassment. You had stood on their doorstep, pounding on the door and screeching until night fell. But the door never opened. They probably weren’t even home. They had kicked you out and fled. You collapsed against the door, staring at the sliver of moon which hung in the sky. That’s when Mark came. You had known Mark your whole life. He lived down the street from you and was by far the coolest kid on the street. All the boys wanted to be his friend and all the girls wanted to be his girl-friend. He was your first crush and your first love. Being two years older than you, he had already gone off to college. So when he came and crouched down in front of you, you were shocked to see him. He had undoubtedly heard you screaming, the whole neighborhood had, but he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t ask about it or offer any false words of hope. Instead, he held out a hand and asked if you wanted to grab something to eat. As you board the bus, you smile at the memory. His face had shone with kindness, but all you wanted was to tell him to fuck off and leave you alone and stop trying to be nice. With him there, you couldn’t curl up in a little ball and cease existing. But you said none of that. You couldn’t. While the thing inside you was probably no bigger than a grain of rice, it needed you. Without you, it couldn’t survive, and you refused to abandon it. Your love for it would be greater than any embarrassment. So you took Mark’s hand and let him pull you up. He grabbed your suitcase and, with his hand still wrapped around yours, started walking down the street. He did all the talking which was shocking because he never talked. Mark was always the quiet, mysterious type, but tonight he was a fountain of words. He told you about how he was studying to be a teacher and about his roommate Jinyoung who was also pursuing education. The two of you headed to a local restaurant, and over a steaming bowl of soup, he continued to speak. Eventually, you started talking too and joking. He never asked about the pregnancy or made any comments about it. For one night, you were able to just be you. After dinner, he offered you his sister’s room for the night. Being older than him, she had already moved out. Hesitant, you declined, but he assured you his parents wouldn’t mind. Having no other options, you relented and agreed. His parents didn’t mind. They welcomed you in with open arms, showing you the spare room. A towel lay folded neatly on the bed with little bottles of shampoo and soap. After a warm shower, you laid down and fell asleep instantly. The next morning, you woke before any of them. During your shower the night before, you had accepted the truth. The life you had lived before came to an end when the second pink line appeared. Your parents made it very clear you no longer had a place here, and you couldn’t live of the Tuan’s kindness forever. Before they could wake and talk you out of your decision, you left with only a note to thank them for their kindness. Life was hell after that. Working, raising a kid, and putting yourself through college, you wonder how you did it. There were lots of tears and sleepless nights, but you survived. After all your hard work, you were able to land a good job and send your son to a good school. He loved his school, especially his teacher Mr. Mark. It wasn’t until that first parent-teacher conference that you realized Mr. Mark was your Mark. That had been a fun night, followed by more fun nights. Over the school year at different functions, you and Mark had filled each other in on those years since you left. He regaled you with the tales of him and his friends, and you allowed him a glimpse of your hell. Feelings you had thought long dead floated to the surface. They weren’t the same though. The infatuation of a young girl had matured into respect and appreciation and desire. For a time, you entertained your childhood fantasies. Then your son swore. Standing there watching Mark comfort him, you were thrown back to that day on your parents doorstep. After all those years and all that hell, you were still the same girl who needed Mark to step in and help her up. You couldn’t face him after that. The feelings which had surfaced, you forced back down. Your son graduated to second grade and your interactions with Mark dwindled until your son decided to join the school choir. For years, the school choir had been run by a kind old man who had lost his hearing at some point during his tenure. No one had the heart to tell him though. But, before your son’s third grade, the old man announced that that year would be his last. Mark, a music minor, was unanimously elected as his successor, and your son was one of the first kids to sign up the next year. Now, you see Mark on a weekly basis. Thus far you have successfully limited your interactions to polite greetings and small talk. Stepping off the bus, you acknowledge that moving forward this will no longer be the case. The two of you will be working closely until the concert. The feelings you sunk, stir at the prospect, but you force them to still. Mark has always been a pleasant fantasy, but you live in the real world and have dealt with too much shit to indulge in fantasies.

Later that week, you sit hunched over a sewing machine as you curse under your breath. The damn bobbin keeps messing up, and if you have to re-thread the needle one more time, you’re likely to shove the whole thing off the table. Believing the school would have adequate equipment for the task at hand, you left your beautifully functioning sewing machine at home. The mistake would not be repeated again. Next time, you would bring it. 

Needle re-threaded, you run the cloth through the machine, only to hear the whir and feel the tell-tale tug. Before the machine can meet the floor, long hands pull it out of your reach. Glancing up, you find Mark standing above you. A smile tugs at his lips, but he forces them to still. He wants to appear serious. “Would you be able to help me with the set pieces? I’ve finished cutting them out. I just need someone a little more artistic to paint them.” Sewing had offered you the opportunity to distance yourself from Mark, but if you spend any more time with that machine, you’ll end up owing the school a new machine. Maybe that’s what you should do with the swear jar money this time around. You muse, chuckling to yourself. “What?” Mark’s eyes catch yours. “Nothing, I was just- it’s nothing. I’ll just get started on those set pieces.” You stand heading over to the cut-outs. The less talking you do the easier all of this will be. You grab a nearby paint brush and bucket and begin outlining the branches. Mark settles next to a fence as an uncomfortable silence falls. “Do you mind if I put on some music?” Mark’s voice breaks the silence. Your brush streaks across the tree leaving an ugly stain. You hadn’t expected him to speak. Determined to escape the awkwardness, you had filled your mind with everything you had to do for work. “No, I don’t mind.” You clear your throat. “It’s fine.” Music starts as you try to fix your mistake. The two of you continue to work, as the music pushes the silence back. However, the awkwardness remains and grows worse as the night drags on. You continually check your phone, hoping hours have ticked by. But only minutes have passed. “Mom!” Your sons voice enters the room, and you glance up from the bush you’re working on. A relieved smiled slips on your face. Today’s torture is coming to an end. “Hey, sweetie. How was studying at Minnie’s?” You ask as you start to gather up the brushes and paint. Not able to physically help with the concert, Minnie’s mom had offered to watch your son while you worked. “I finished all my homework.” He beams. “You did? Good job, kiddo.” “Yes…” A glint appears in his eyes. Pushing off the floor, you cross your arms and nod for him to continue. “Since I finished all my homework, I was wondering if we could go and get some ice cream.” He fixes you with those eyes, and you tell yourself that he earned a treat. You’re not being a pushover. “Okay,” He fist bumps the air before you can finish, “We can get ice cream.” You chuckle as he proceeds to do the dorky victory dance he learned from you. “But first, help me clean up. We don’t want to leave this mess for Mr. Mark.” “Oh, Mr. Mark,” he turns to his teacher, “do you want to get ice cream with us?” The invitation should have been obvious. You should have waited to agree until after you left. Now the invitation hangs in the air, and you can’t face Mark. You can barely face your son for fear he will read too much in your expression. Smoothing your face, you turn to Mark with a simple smile. “You’re more than welcome to come with us.” “Sure, I can always eat ice cream.” He returns the smile. Drawing on a strength you didn’t even know you possessed, you manage to keep the smile on your face and nod. With the three of you working together, you finish the clean up in minutes. Down the street from the school is a local ice cream shop which has been run by the same family for generations. Here you three head for the promised treat. Your son is quick to order chocolate fudge, requesting a second scoop when he thinks you’re not paying attention. He receives one scoop with sprinkles. You request the more moderate vanilla. Mark completes the trio with cookies ‘n cream. Outside the shop, benches and tables sit clustered around a little wishing well. Your son plops onto a chair, and you settle on the bench across from him, failing to realize your mistake until Mark exits the shop with his cone in hand. The cluster your son has chosen only has the chair he occupies and the bench under you, leaving the only available seat beside you. Glancing at your son, you find that glint in his eye as he slowly licks away at his ice cream. “Do you mind?” Mark asks gesturing to the accursed spot. You shake your head scooting over until the arm rest bites into your side. Mark lowers himself, careful to keep an arms width of distance between you two. “Mr. Mark?” Your son asks. Mark motions for him to continue. “Did you really know my mom when she was little?” Sputtering turns to coughing as you choke on your ice cream. Mark pats you gently on the back, but you wave him off. “Sorry.” You cough. “Wrong pipe.” “Ummm…” Mark glances at you, but you wave him off again as you regain your breath. “Uh, yes. We grew up in the same neighborhood.” He turns his attention to your son. “What was mom like when she was little?” “We didn’t know-” “She was very independent,” He cuts you off, “like she is now.” “Really? How so?” “There’s one thing I remember from when we were really young. She would wander away from her house all the time, and the whole neighborhood would know when it happened because her mom would rush out of the house screaming. Everyone would start looking for her, and she would be somewhere different every time. When she finally returned home, her mom would rage at her.” “Mom!” Your son accuses. “And you won’t even let me walk to school by myself.” “Do as I say not as I do. Have you ever heard that expression?” You defend your protectiveness. “I was lucky that nothing happened to me.” Mark clears his throat before taking another bite of ice cream. You eye him. “What?” “You weren’t always lucky.” He mumbles, but you still hear him. At your bewildered expression, Mark continues more clearly. “There was one time I saw you wandering, and there was this guy. He made me feel uneasy, so I went and got my dad. And he reported the man to the police.” The knowledge sends a chill racing down your spine, and you stare at him horrified. “After that, I would always keep an eye on your door, and if you ever went wandering I would follow behind.” “You did?” Clearing his throat, he nods, but he doesn’t meet your eyes. “So you were my mom’s guardian angel?” Mark chuckles. “I wouldn’t say that. I was just worried something might happen.” His focus goes to his ice cream as he continues to chip away at it. You stare at him and then a crack in the sidewalk until your ice cream drips onto your hand. Cursing in your head, you lick up the mess and make quick work of the frozen treat and cone. Your son works more slowly, that glint in his eye ever present, so you hurry him along and excuse yourself from the situation. You need to get home before any other secrets come to light.

At work the next week, you sit through yet another meeting. This one thankfully marks the end of the project you’ve been slaving over for the past month. You wish your boss would show his gratitude for your teams hard work, by not having a meeting. Glancing at your co-workers, you can tell they are of the same mind set. Your boss does end the meeting earlier than usual though which everyone applauds. 

As you gather your things and prepare to return to your desk, you hear your name called. Your boss stands on the other side of the room a smile on his face. That smile sends your stomach plummeting. It means more work for you. With this project completed, you had hoped you would receive a reprieve from your overloaded schedule, but you seem to be luckless.

“I’m sorry sir, could you repeat that?” He chuckles at your bewilderment. “I want you to head our new office.” “If I’m not mistaken, that office is in a different country.” He nods. “Of course the promotion comes with a move, but the company would assist with your relocation, and you would be allotted a housing stipend.” The offer is an honor, recognition for all the work you’ve put in. Everyone knew about the new office opening, and the office gossip had all been supposition about who would helm it. You had never given consideration to the idea that it would be you. While work can be exhausting, you are content where you are, and you believed the company was content to keep you where you are. “This is a big change, sir. Could I have some time to think about it?” “Of course, we don’t have to announce anything for another two weeks. Take your time think it over, but I’m sure you’ll find the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you face now.” His smile broadens as you nod. Exiting his office, you find your co-workers packing up and saying their farewells. A glance at the clock confirms that the workday has come to an end. You breath a sigh of relief. After that bombshell, you wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything. Grabbing your own bag, you head out of the building to your bus stop. The bus ride home is spent in silence. You watch the world pass by, but notice nothing as your mind weighs the benefits against the “minor inconveniences”. While your boss saw them as minor, you did not see them the same way. Moving meant leaving the apartment you had worked for years to be able to afford. It meant tearing your son from his school and his friends. It meant uprooting the life you had worked so hard to achieve. Did the benefits really outweigh what you would have to give up? You would have a new apartment, probably better than the one you had now, but it wouldn’t be the apartment that you had walked by every day for three years, promising yourself that one day you would live there. Your son would make new friends. The new city would have a good school, maybe a better one than he went to now, but Mark wouldn’t be there. That last thought stills you, and you almost miss your stop. Hoping off the buss, you start towards the school, but the familiar path is a blur as you try to rid Mark from your mind. He doesn’t fit into any of your plans and isn’t one of the “minor inconveniences”. Your relationship with Mark ends at the school gate. As you approach that gate, you find your son standing there talking with Minnie and a few of his other friends. When he notices you, he says his goodbyes and heads towards you. “How about a hug today, kiddo?” You hold your arms open wide, and after a moments hesitation, he walks into them. Squeezing him tight, you breath deeply. “You know I’m the only kid my age whose mom still hugs him?” He mumbles into your shoulder. “That’s either because they don’t want to be hugged or because their moms don’t love them as much as I love you.” You reply, releasing him. He gives you a look, causing you to chuckle. “I was thinking BBQ for dinner tonight. What do you think?” “Really? Yes! Let’s go!” He starts off down the street before you can change your mind.

Sitting at the table waiting for the waitress to bring your drinks, you prepare yourself for the coming conversation. This move will affect him just as much as it affects you. He has a right to know what’s coming and to add his input. 

“Mom, what is it?” His question startles you and draws your attention to him. “What?” “You keep staring at nothing and sighing, and you said we could have BBQ tonight. Something is going on.” Your poker face never was the greatest. Nodding, you begin. “I’ve got some good news, but it could also be bad news.” He nods for you to continue. “My boss called me into his office today to offer me a promotion.” His eyes go wide, and he beams at you. “That’s awesome, mom! You’re the best worker at the company. You deserve a promotion. Why is that bad news?” “The promotion means we have to move.” “Where?” “Another country.” Silence. He stares at you, the joy from moments before washed away by this revelation. “Sweetie-” “Mom, we can’t move to another country. What about my friends and my school and our apartment, and everyone here. We can’t leave all of that.” His voice is a squeak, evidencing the boy he still is. He stares at you with those eyes, and you feel your inside crumble. “I know we would have to give up a lot, and I know that would be hard. But, there are a lot of good things that would come with the new job and the move. We would find you a new school, and you can make new friends. I would be making more money which means that we would be able to do more fun things like go on vacations and adventures.” “Would you be working as much?” You’d be working more. The answer shows on you face. He snorts, crossing his arms. “We won’t be going on any adventures. You’ll be too busy working, and I’ll be home alone with no friends.” “Kiddo, you’ll make-” His glare cuts you off. He’s angry, and he has every right to be. “I think we should both give this some serious thought, and then we can talk about it again.” His response is a huff.

Working with your sewing machine is a relief. If you had to struggle with the demon school machine, you would have gone on a rampage. The promotion has been dominating your thoughts, robbing you of sleep and leaving you peevish. You’ve weighed the pros and cons a thousand times and come to no satisfactory conclusion. Your son is firm in his resolution to stay and refusing to speak to you which irritates your aggravated state. You’re a toe stub away from a full melt down. 

A knock, knock on your work table draws your eyes to Mark who is standing above you with a two steaming mugs in his hand. “Tea?” He offers. While you should say “no” and return to your work because being around Mark isn’t helping your situation, you straighten, stretching the muscles in your back, and reach for the mug. The warmth spreads through your aching fingers, and you sigh as you breath in the tea’s earthy smell. The steam caresses your face, relaxing the muscles. “Thank you.” You mumble as you bring the mug to your lips. “You know even Okoye needed the help of the Dora Milaje when she took on Killmonger.” He states as he perches on the edge of the table. You snort, nearly spilling tea down your front. “What?” “Okoye is the greatest warrior Wakanda has, but she was still able to accept the help of her fellow warriors.” He says, taking a sip from his own mug. “I’m sorry. Are you using a Black Panther analogy to tell me that it’s okay to accept help?” You raise an eyebrow at Mark as you lean back in your chair. Mark smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “It got you to smile didn’t it?” The smile, he referenced, thins to a line, but you can’t keep the edges from tugging upward. “So it at least accomplished one of it’s tasks.” “And the other was to get me to accept help?” “To let you know that you can.” His eyes hold yours, and you feel yourself falling back through time to that day on your parent’s doorstep. The last day you had accepted anyone’s help. “Are you offering again?” Your eyes fall from him as you set the mug on the table, your fingers fiddling with it’s handle. “I’ve never stopped.” His voice is light, and you can hear the smile in it. But the words lay heavy on your shoulders. “Mark-” But you don’t know what to say after that. Does he want you to apologize? Do you want to accept his help? You don’t even know what you want?   “I hear congratulations are in order.” He says sparing you from your unfinished thought. “What?” “Your son told me that you’ve been offered a promotion.” Mark explains. The action shouldn’t surprise you. Your son has been attached to Mark since his first day of school. He’s the first solid male figure in his life. “What else did he say?” Mark pauses, his eyes drifting to a corner of the room. “You said it was okay to accept your help, Mark.” You don’t look at him as you speak, and the words burn on the way out. But you say them in the hopes of alleviating your ever mounting stress. “He won’t talk to me. I’d like to know how he’s feeling.” “He doesn’t want to move. He’s afraid he’ll be alone because he won’t have any friends and you’ll be too busy to spend time with him.” Your son is shy. A truth which you have buried as you’ve contemplated your decision. His fear is well-founded, and it rips at your chest. “You don’t think I should take it.” The irritation that’s been gnawing at you bleeds into your words, turning them from a question to an accusation. Mark holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender, and with a simple smile says, “I think you should do what you think is right.” He relaxes his arms, folding his hands on his lap. His smile and demeanor fit his words, supporting them, but his eyes don’t. His smile doesn’t reach them and an emotion resides in them which sets your heart racing. The emotions which you have been suppressing for years burst forth, and you find yourself asking, “How do you feel about this, Mark?” The question encompasses more than this moment and this decision. The question goes back years to when you were kids growing up in the same neighborhood. You ask him how he feels, but really you want to know why he followed you all those days, why he offered you a hand and a place to stay, why he was with your son at the principle’s office, and why he keeps showing up in your life. “I don’t want you to go.” The answer is simple and soft. No loud declaration or demand. “What?” “I’ve never wanted you to go, but I understand that just because I want you to stay doesn’t mean you should.” He smiles, shattering everything inside of you. “Why?” The question is pointless and self-serving, but you have to know, want to hear him say it. “Because I love you. I have since that first day I followed you on your wanderings.” Tears leak from your eyes, evidence of your wreckage within. “I-I...” You stutter as your brain shifts through the rubble for a response. “I have to go.” You stand up, grab your bag, and run like you did back then like you always do.

“It’s time to go.” Your son informs you. They’re the only words he’s spoken to you in the last week.

You catch his eyes in the bathroom mirror and give him a smile as you nod. “I’ll be ready in just a minute.” His lips remain a thin line as he turns and heads for the door. A sigh forces the air from your chest and slumps your shoulders. After a final check of your make-up, you head out of the bathroom and towards the front door where your son is waiting. He fixes his eyes on  the door as he waits for you to slip on your shoes, and he is out the door the second they are on. He keeps two steps ahead of you the whole way to the school. “How much longer do you plan to keep this up? If we move, are you never going to speak to me again?” “You’re going to take the job.” He whirls around to face you with tears welling in his eyes. Clearing your throat, you respond, “I didn’t say that. I just wanted to know.” “If I say ‘yes’, can we stay here?” Hope has replaced the tears, and you find it wrenches your heart more. “We should hurry. I don’t want you to be late.” You start to walk again, and your son plods along behind you.

The concert is beautiful. The costumes, the set, the singing. Everything turned out perfectly. But you notice none of it. Your attention is split between your son who whispers and giggles with his friends during each song break and Mark who directs the boys with a patient smile. 

Since the night he confessed, you have kept your distance from him, not even helping with the final set up for the concert. Mark never texted or called about your absence. He allowed you your space like he always does. Staring at the most important person in your life and the person who has always been beside you, you make your decision. The weight which has rested on your shoulders since your boss offered you the promotion lifts instantly. You exhale all the stress and smile as you sit back and enjoy the rest of the concert. When the last song is sung and the children take their bows, you stand up and applaud with the rest of the parents. Your son finds you in the crowd. His smile pushes his cheeks into his eyes, and he practically glows with pride. But all too soon, memory returns, and he whips his attention from you. You continue to applaud though until the children take their final bow and exit the stage. Leaving your seat, you head back stage to share your decision with your son. Before you can reach him though, you run into Mark. He freezes when he sees you, and you mirror the behavior. Clearing his throat, he nods to you and continues on his way. “Mark.” He stops. “Can I talk to you?” He turns his eyes finding yours. The way he looks at you stills your heart and stops your breath. He’s searching, and you wonder what he sees. Whatever he saw causes him to nod again as he walks towards you. He leads you to a small alcove which allows you both a modicum of privacy. Standing a few feet apart, Mark starts talking, “If this is about what I said the other night, I want to-” You hold up a hand stopping him. “I’m sorry.” You apologize, staring him straight in the eyes though your mind screams in protest. “I’m sorry I ran then and that I ran all those years ago. I tell myself that I’m strong and independent but most of the time I’m just scared. And I act out of fear. Even as I say all of this to you, I’m scared,” you release a shuddering breath but continue, “but I’m tired of letting my fear control me. I love you too, Mark. I’ve loved you since before I can remember.” The truth flies from your lips leaving you with only fear as you study Mark’s face. He smiles, not big and bright but small and sad. Watching him, your heart plummets. “What I said that night is the truth. I love you, but I know that just because I love you doesn’t mean I can stop you from doing what is best for you.” You blink as your mind works to unravel the meaning behind his words. His response was unexpected and unwanted. Searching his eyes, realization strikes. “The job. You’re talking about the job.” You chuckle to yourself which furrows Mark’s brow. “I’m not taking the job, Mark.” “If it’s because of me…” You both know the end of the sentence. You smile up at him, and yours is big and bright. “It’s not because of you. Well, it’s not fully because of you.” Your smile eases as sensibility asserts itself. “I would be lying if I said you didn’t play into my decision. “The truth is it really is an incredible job. It comes with more money and more opportunities. And for those reasons, I’d be a fool not to take it. But it also comes with more hours and more traveling which means less time I get to spend with my son. You pause, your eyes becoming unfocused as your mind travels back to your early years. “When he was little, and I was putting myself through that hell; I told myself it’ll be worth it. If I work hard now and put in the hours, when he’s older I won’t have to. I can have time with my son.” Glancing back up at Mark, you continue, “If I take this job, I’ll have lied to myself all those years. I only have so much time before my son goes off to live his own life. I want to spend all the time I can with him until that day. “After that day,” you shrug your shoulder, “I’ll take a job with money and opportunities and hours and traveling. So I guess, I’m not saying no. I’m saying not now.” “Not now.” Mark nods with a true smile. “Not now.” You repeat returning his smile. “So what happens now then?” “I wouldn’t be opposed to dinner.” You cock a brow. “I also like movies. Video games occasionally. They’re really good stress relievers.” Mark snorts and nods. “I’m free for dinner most nights. And I also like movies and video games.” “Do I get to go to dinner and the movies and play video games too?” Both of your heads turn to face your son who stands in front of the alcove, smiling up at you two with his hands clasped behind his back, a familiar glint in his eye. “How long have you been there?” You ask. “Long enough to know that you two love each other and we’re not moving.” He smiles up at you. You’re caught between wanting to scold him and wanting to laugh. “And you didn’t think you should announce your presence?” “No.” Mark laughs, and you glare at him, but he continues. Shaking your head, you rub your eyes. “I’m hungry. Are you both hungry?” Glancing between the two, you find them both agreeing. “Good. Then let’s go to dinner, and we can talk about all of this there.” Your son smiles wide and heads for the door. As you start to follow him, you feel a hand slip into yours. Mark meets your eyes and offers you a simple smile. You return the smile and fall into step with him as you two head after your son.

[mistymark]

the one with the halloween party // z.c.l

zhong chenle x reader // 2.3k words // high school!au

“We’re enemies that coincidentally go to the same costume party wearing masks and I get to know you and I think I’m in love” // first bulleted au (?) // masterlist // part one of one // warnings: swearing, theres a party but its Completely Pure and Innocent, just fluff tbh

okay, so you and your friends are pretty close, sorta popular but mostly just really nice

so you get along great with almost everyone at ur school

and by almost,,,

I mean everyone except zhong chenle

dont get me wrong, the guy has great friends and seems pretty easygoing,,, but for some reason he hates your guts

which  is okay, cause you hate his guts too

he’s a bit of an ass to you and has been for a while now

would knock your book off your desk “accidentally” or kick your chair     constantly during classes just to annoy you

but you weren’t any more mature:

you’d stick your foot out to trip him up in the halls and remove the ink part from his pens just to have him experience an inconvenience for once in his perfect goddamn life

you were in competition constantly,,, and not the cute kind of competition,,

if you beat him on a test he’d be so annoyed, and would study for hours to make sure he beat you on the next one 

and  there were times when your friends and his would have to drag you away so  an actual fist fight wouldn't break out during one of your petty arguments during literature, when discussing the meaning of a particular symbol in a book

you were both so stubborn when it came to that, and neither of you would back down

it got to the point where every little thing he did pissed you off

laughed like he always does loudly?? pissed you off

sat down with his friends during lunch, making a face when he made eye contact with you?? pissed you off

seeing him flirt with random students in the year levels below you ?? pissed you off

“he’s such a fucking flirt, why does he have to lead them on? the poor things they just look up to him” “sounds like you’re jealous” “I am NOT     jealous”

“he’s just doing it to make them vote for him for president!!” “I thought     we discussed this yesterday, y/n” “we did but im still annoyed about     it... dont roll your eyes at me, I do NOT like him!!” “sure, y/n, sure”

anyway

a girl in your year decides to throw a fun halloween party, to get everyones minds off of school and exams and such, and you're hella excited like

opportunity to dress up in ridiculous costumes ??? hell ye

you’ve been planning your outfit with two of your friends for over a month, you've decided to go as the three musketeers (a reference to a book one of them has been studying in a class) complete with leather outfits, boots, swords, and for fun, masks

when the party is only a week away, you walk into ur lit class (ayyy get lit     fam) and chenle is sitting on his desk, talking to his friends about how     he’s got the best costume for Saturday night

you roll your eyes

he doesnt fail to notice

“hey, y/n, you going on Saturday?” “idk, are you?” “yeah” “then no”

you poke your tongue out at him when he flips you off, and turn your back to him, making yourself busy by grabbing out your books

his dumb (but a lot nicer) friends are going OooOoOoOooh and u feel a smug smile on your face as you pretend not to care

you hear chenle mumble a “whatever” as he jumps off the desk when your teacher walks in and makes his way to his own seat

luckily, you dont see much of chenle around school for the rest of the week, and when u do, its just giving each other death stares or glaring at each other from across the room

he did “accidentally” trip you while you were walking into one of your     classes

and you “just so happened to” pull his chair away as he went to sit down,     because your chair was coincidentally missing and you “didnt see him     sitting down”

he glared at you as he stood up, hand holding the back of his head as he     forcefully grabbed a spare chair and sat down

when Saturday rolled around, you grabbed all the last minute items you needed and drove to your friends house to get ready

“how do I look” “why? planning on impressing someone tonight ? maybe,,, chhheeeeeeeenleeeeeeeee”

you finished your eye makeup and tied the mask around you head, grabbing one of the swords from the bed and tucking it into your belt loop

“damn y/n, you're going to have guys fawning all over you all night” “maybe chenle will finally have the courage to ask you out” “SHUT UP”

you arrived at the party not soon after, and marvelled at everyones costumes

there were definitely some really good ones this year

after two hours, you found yourself standing by the drinks table, tired from dancing with your friends and having impromptu sword fights

“I like your costume!” someone shouted over the music

you turned around and it was,,

batman

nah seriously you couldnt tell who it was, but you knew it was someone from your year

“batman? wow thank you,, that means a lot, coming from you” you jokingly raised a toast

“shouldn't there be three of you?”

“the other two are off dancing, I lost them a while ago. shouldn't you be off fighting superman?”

he smiled and you felt like you recognised him, but u couldnt place it “already defeated him, look...” he pointed to the dance floor, where another boy dressed like superman was dancing “the only thing that could make someone dance that badly is if they had an injury” he     pointed at himself proudly “I did that��

you laughed and the conversation continued from there

you felt bad for not knowing who the person was, as he clearly knew who you were, and were too shy to ask, so you just went with it

“do you wanna go outside? I can't hear you in here” he shouted over the music, pointing to the door

you ended up spending an hour with him on the porch, picking out the best costumes, having playful arguments about their origins and which ones were more original, and you found yourself to be happier when you were talking with him than with anyone else there

you agreed on four of the top five most unoriginal costumes,, with the     exception being his own

“Im sorry, but batman is not original at all! there are at least three walking     around here” “so? theres at least three musketeers too” “THERE ARE THREE MUSKETEERS!! AND ONLY ONE BATMAN?!” you both began laughing at your own dumb arguments, and settled into a comfortable silence

it was getting pretty late, and the sun had well set, and you shivered as a     breeze passed you

without thinking, batman offered you his cape, wrapping it around your shoulders

you couldnt help but think he was flirting, and had been since you began     talking, and now had the strongest feeling that you’d developed a crush on someone

it was too late now to ask his name, considering you’d been talking like     you’d known each other for years the entire night 

when your ride arrived a while later, he was waiting with you and stepped back onto the porch as you turned away to walk to the car

suddenly, you felt sad that you’d have to leave this perfect night, so you quickly ran back, pecked him on the cheek and ran to your car without looking back at his reaction

when Monday rolled around, your friends instantly found you in the hallway, wanting to hear everything about ‘Batman’ and your bold flirtations

you’d stressed for the past two nights that he might not have actually been flirting with you, and you’d taken his jokes and friendliness the wrong way

but your friends had assured you he probably felt the same way, based on what you'd already told them

“ugh, and I just had calculus with y/n’s favourite person, and he would not stop boasting about this chick he’d met at the party. whats the bet he’s still talking about it when you both have lit with him” your friend laughed and continued eating her lunch

you had lit right after your lunch block, and when u walked in, he was smugly talking to his friends

he looked up as you walked past “y/n didnt catch you at the party, guess     you really decided not to come, huh?”

“?? I was there, chenle, or were you too busy talking chatting up that girl     you met to notice” you continued to your desk, but froze at the words of     one of his friends

“yeah, I thought batman wasn't supposed to fall in love”

you looked back at the group, and they hadn't noticed your behaviour, so you quickly made your way to your desk and flung your stuff down, grabbing your phone in panic

“im not in love”

you tried to calm yourself, there were more than three batman’s at the party, what’s the likelihood it was chenle you had kissed??

nothing to worry about

“idk man, the way you talked about her made it sound like you are” jeno laughed

“aNd tHeN sHe kiSSeD mE” jaemin mocked, making his voice higher

you buried your head in your hands

no  no no no no

no no no no no

nO NO NO NO NO

it could NOT HAVE BEEN CHENLE

you DID NOT kiss chenle

you did not KISS chenle

you did not kiss CHENLE

and then to make things better, one of your friends walked in

“Y/n! sword fight!” he grabbed a pencil from his pocket and pointed it at you

immediately you playfully sparred with him, before jabbing him in the stomach

“guess once a musketeer, always a musketeer” he mumbled, sitting in his seat, defeated

in your peripheral vision, you saw chenle’s head whip to you

“thats what you get for coming as a CLOWN”

you tried to keep your voice level and your head down as your teacher started the class,, but you couldnt help it

you snuck a glance towards chenle’s desk

he was already looking at you

fuck

you felt your eyes widen, and watched his do the same

there was something unrecognisable in his gaze, and you decided to focus on your work, dragging your eyes from him

when the bell signalling the end of the class rang, you haphazardly stuffed your textbook and notes into you binder and attempted to dart from the room,, but something held you back

or rather,, someone

you looked at chenle’s hand wrapped tightly around your wrist and shot him a pleading gesture

“not here”

he simply nodded and began packing his things away neatly

you waited, tapping your foot anxiously

you found yourselves sitting behind the school in awkward silence     (wheremystaysat) as both of you thought about what to say

“im really hoping your costume was unoriginal enough that it maybe wasn’t you” you said, shooting him a glance

he sighed at your words

“there were three musketeers, too” he mumbled, not looking up as he fiddled with his watch

that’s when you knew it was definitely him at the party

more silence fell between you

suddenly you took a deep breath

“I actually had a really great time on Saturday night” you said, glancing up to gage his reaction

you saw him smile a little “me too”

you felt a bit more comfortable seeing him smile, and it felt like you both     became submerged in memories, comfortably thinking in silence

“my favourite part was when you said goodbye” he moved his hands to either side of his body and leant back, basking in the sunlight

he had made a point of not looking at you, but he turned his head towards you and squinted after he had spoken

you tried to recall actually saying goodbye to him, but all you had said was “oh your cape!” as you handed it back to him and took off running to your car

when you pointed this out to him, he laughed and shook his head at you

“not  that part, dumbass”

suddenly his voice became quieter

“I meant the part where you kissed me”

you felt your smile widen into a grin “zhong chenle do you have a crush on me?”

his eyes widened as he turned to you “what? Of course n- maybe?” he looked at you sheepishly

you moved your hand over his, and he threaded his fingers through yours “I maybe have a crush on you too”

he looked at his watch again “look, the last thing I want to do is go to     class rn but I think Im already ten minutes late”

“shit,that means I am too” you picked up your belongings and walked inside with him, heading to your separate classes

“what do you have now?” he asked

“chem. You?”

“oh yea, you always have chem when I have calc”

“you know my schedule?” you blushed

now it was his turn to flush “maybe”

his classroom was down a separate corridor to yours, so when it was time for to split off, you said a quick goodbye and started down the hallway “ill catch you later yeah?” he bid you goodbye

thinking better of it, you turned around “wait!”

he stopped walking, looking confused as you ran back towards him

“I forgot” you said, biting the inside of your cheek as you approached

yes girl go get your man

you stepped onto your tip toes and pressed a kiss against his cheek, his mouth forming into a dumb grin as you stepped back

you turned around, ready to go to class for real now, when he grabbed your arm, spinning you around

he pulled you closer to him, his arm wrapping around you waist as he kissed your lips softly, quickly

when he moved away from you, creating a distance you only wanted to close again, he had the biggest smile on his face, his eyes forming little     crescent moons

“fuck, ive wanted to do that for so long”

this is my first bulleted fic, what do you guys think?? also,,, two posts in one day?? how blessed ?? I felt inspired a lot today, and the fact im working from home made me more productive (for fic writing not for actual work tho lol)

[solunova]

hey uh ib is... como se dice... a Fuck. like as someone who is still trying to recover psychologically after graduating and getting my diploma. like i was Smart Good At School and hung out with Smart Good At School and we were all dying the entire time. you may have some issues but like. shit's fucked man

(Another Anonymous said: Hey don’t stress yourself too much with ib stuff, they suck now and are so freaking stressful but they are definitely steps that will help you down the road (coming from someone who definitely credits all the ia and shit I had to write to helping me rewrite a 10 page college paper 3 days before it’s due and get an a on it) these things have their place in you academic journey (also don’t stress the ioc’s too much you have that knowledge in your brain you can do it!))

i guess before i start: thank you two. person 1 for validation in my pain and 2 for encouragement that ill be okay and that it isnt all for naught. i appreciate both of yall! 

but its my birthday at 1:40 am and im fucking SAD cause im up trying to write my entire bio ia due friday after some Complications came up so this is gonna be a mostly negative retrospective of my last two years and the circumstances that ive lived in due to the ib

i refuse to put this under a cut yall scroll past word walls anyways

so heres my hot and absolutely original take: i recognize that ib is extremely beneficial in certain regards. i know from everyone who took it telling me that its good for college experience and all that kind of stuff, both on a knowledge/content level and on, as person 2 describes, an “i cant get off my ass to write this paper in time” level and being able to compensate for that. i agree with that! I am extremely grateful for an increased class difficulty, especially in the fields where i knew what was happening already and spent classes bored until ib. and like! ib english is the first goddamn time ive EVER talked about the evils of imperialism and colonialism in an academic setting. that shit is vital to our future and yet no normal class talks about it!!! its terrible! and ib history is the first time ive ever enjoyed a history class and gotten even a margin of a good feeling out of it. like there are some really good parts of ib that ive written every damn college entry essay ive gotten on. i Know.

but like okay lets start with the fact that going into this that they (as in all ib teachers) were like “oh itll break you out of procrastination! itll teach you to constantly be studying!!! its what you need for college!!!!!” when it has done all of jack and shit to help us achieve that. its just kind of put us in the lions den and let us scramble at the walls for a foothold to get out or at least survive, maimed and depraved. if it sees us stopping to catch our breath, it shoots at our feet. the ibo extorts our misery to feed their mirth

lets also acknowledge that dumb fucks who take full ib, or even worse, those taking pseudo full ib (ie all classes but no diploma cause their extended essay busted and they gave up ie me) mostly take it due to extreme pressure, be it from their schools, their family, or their own psyche, saying they arent good enough if they dont take the highest offered classes, or even more that if they arent doing well in those classes its a product of their own shortcomings and then spend most of the rest of the time in ib degrading themselves because no matter how much time they put in they cant be the best and all that fun stuff. ib kids are put on a sort of pedestal by the school but then left on their own. 

i, of course, see this as a much greater academic institution integrated mindset that needs to be addressed and challenged, but to force it on kids who have to not only go through with it for the next four years, but also because its targeted at these kids that are higher achieving “gifted and talented” fucking whatever, most likely the rest of their lives?

its straight up psychologically damaging to give such a rigorous course load and no help for the effects and self esteem issues from it, no help for the people who dont know how to give up and instead run themselves in the fucking dirt and strain themselves to the edges of their goddamn sanity, spending what little time is left in their adolescence treating themselves like shit

idealistically, ib is wonderful. i think it carries out some of its best traits (integrating global thinking, allowing a more freeform discussion of many things, etc), but i also recognize how absolutely full of shit it is in many corners (regarding encouraging service, intellectual honesty, whatever else), one, and that a lot of people are just.. not up to the task. they may have the ability intellectually, but not mentally. i firmly believe that anyone can do anything if they set their minds to it but i have become the victim of my own philosophy because that came at the expense of my well-being.

and the fact that when i tried to tell my coordinator this she a) did not let me just NOT do the ee despite how strained i was(which i didnt end up doing, lick my whole dick mrs kurtz) and stole my summer from me because between being depressed as hell at gsp i was a nervous wreck about what they could do to me or how i was going to accomplish anything that i needed to, and that i havent had a proper break from school in three straight years, that im still running on empty essentially and b) that when i told the other ib coordinator, 4 months later, theres not a souls chance in hell that i was gonna fucking do it, that she lectured me and made me cry in class about how “you cant see the forest for the trees” “thisll help you later in life” “youre throwing away jobs” all that fun stuff like

its evil

the lack of care that often goes into it

the extreme magnitude of work that, sure, is feasibly possible for a 16-18 year old to do, but here theyre expected to

the fact that the classes fall in a time where gpa is so absolutely vital to colleges and scholarships (and given that its these ib kids’ personality and intellectual dispositions, even more so - both in esteem and necessity)

the fact that so many of the classes and so much of the coursework is empty, ultimately

its kind of a bad system

not even to MENTION the egotistical complexes, both inwardly as addressed and outwardly as in being the most godawful kind of people that manifests in these people that think theyre gods gift to the world cause they took ib and “if you spend time bitching about ib you deserve to fail because that was time you could have spent working” like you sound like the worst kind of person and i dont fucking care. theres a girl in my classes who is so upset every time someone doesnt listen to her because she thinks everything she has to say is the goddamn gospel and ib really attracts these kinds of people and its the WORST

[legolasgoldy]

VI. The Lovers || VIII. Strength || XVIII. The Moon || ★ Seven of Pentacles || ☆* Two of Wands || ◥█̆̈◤ Four of Cups || ━━╋⊂ Three of Swords

Tarot-inspired Prompts

// Phew, sorry this took a few days these questions are so gooddd. It took a lot of typing, I hope its not too much to read!haha XD Thank you so much!!❤  @blind-mutant //

VI. The Lovers - have your character’s heart and mind ever been at odds with one another?

X-men verse: Yes, a few times. When he first started getting his mutation and really struggling to come to terms with it, he was really confused as to what he should do.  It took him a month or two to decide, and ultimately his head chose to leave to spare his family from any problems his mutations would cause even though his heart told him to stay and have their support.

Also with Rhys, there was a lot of his heart telling him something his mind hadnt quite realized yet. It was a very subconscious thing because he knew he loved him, but never thought about in what way. It was obvious to everyone else, he absolutely adored him, loved his smile, his voice, everything about him and spent time always thinking of him. The problem was, it didnt click in his mind right away that all of those feelings were much more than friendship. All he knew, was that being with Rhys made his soul happy. When he did finally realize, everything just seemed to make sense but due to the whole drunken night incident a whole new struggle arose. He didnt think Rhys would feel the same way so that made his head clash with his heart a lot. All of it was a misunderstanding of course

In Mainverse: Phew, Im only going to list one time and make it brief or else we’ll be on this one question forever. When crossing the Helcaraxe, it was nothing but a mind and heart battle. He was constantly aching for comfort but hating everyone for hurting him so badly, but somewhere in his mind he knew he didnt hate them, he loved them and thats why it hurt so bad. It took the whole elven 30 years in the Helcaraxe to finally cope and his mind and heart match as much as it could.

VIII. Strength - is there a moment your character has ever had to fight for something or someone?

X-Men Au: In his usual X-men verse he hasnt had to do anything extremely drastic, but he does defend the people he cares about from judgemental people on several occasions. It sounds awfully tame but I think eventually when on his own and living with Rhys, both of them having jobs, having a happy life. He feels like they did a lot of work to get there too. Finrod helped Rhys through a lot of hard times, and they overcame past demons to live happy and together. Sometimes those demons do resurface but they fight back against that.

He does have a verse where he and a friend were captured, and he protected them from Hydra, and for the sake of not writing a lot of gore, in short theres a lot of biting and fighting. He gets muzzled, his hair cut, tested on, but eventually he gets his friend and they get out but the friend doesnt make it far, the friend supposedly drowns in the river. Key word being supposedly. XD

MainVerse: Yes. There is a lot of war throughout his lifetime that he fights in and a lot of emotional turmoil. He had to fight to be with Maglor the moment they first fell in love. Feanor forbid them to be see each other, Maglor had to marry someone else, etc. That was the least of his problems though, when they all were fleeing Valinor he had to fight to try and keep his cousins/friends from killing each other ( which they did) at the first kinslaying. He also had to fight and struggle to keep his family alive in the Helcaraxe. Then there was just so much fighting in Middle Earth. The only time there wasnt, was in the time of great peace when Morgoth was quiet, and Finrod was free to run his kingdom happily and be with his family and lover, still in secret, but he’d take it. After all that crap, keeping their romance secret wasnt as big of a deal anymore. Thats not to say it didnt bother him sometimes, but there were worse problems.

XVIII. The Moon - what is the most significant secret your character has discovered?

X-men AU: Aside from finding out what happened to Rhys, there isnt much else significant. His life in this au is relatively calm compared to all other aus. Unless you count teenage talk, and secrets swapped between friends. Theres tons of those but none of those are massive secrets.

MainVerse: Probably when Ulmo came to him and gave him a hint of what was to come and what he needed to do to prepare. Any secret from a Vala is  hella significant. Similarly, the most significant secret he ever kept himself, is that he was shagging his half-cousin for centuries and they in fact were kinda secretly married twice XD Also, any events of his foresight telling him something can also count.

★ Seven of Pentacles - what tests your character’s patience more than anything?

Prejudice.The only smidge of patience he has for it, is giving them a chance to educate themselves on the matter and be a better person. He’ll even offer to educate them. If they keep squandering that chance then he has no patience for them. You can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink, if hes gatta just forget them and protect innocent people from them then oh well. He tried. Hes not gonna tolerate someone whos ignorant biased hateful views hurt people.

ー☆* Two of Wands - has your character ever had to make a tough decision between two choices?

X-men AU: This goes along with the first question. Most of his tough decisions were due to his mind and heart saying two different things.  When his mutation started surfacing, not only did he feel like he had to choose between leaving and staying, he felt the need to either keep in touch or break up with his boyfriend. Those were two very very hard decisions. Of course he had only just turned 16, he was such a young boy and in his mind at the time those were his only choices.  He got so afraid that his family would suffer if someone judged him, he wanted them happy. The same with his boyfriend, they had both planned to go to go through highschool together then attend a college of the arts to study music. They had such big dreams that he suddenly didnt think he could do anymore. The thought of trying and failing, then hindering his boyfriend from achieving his dreams was too much, he couldnt find it in himself to risk everyones happiness, and/or safety. Heaven forbid him being a mutant were to effect his parents jobs! Or people pick on his little siblings at their schools. He thought of everything bad that could happen, and in that already stressed/very frightened state he decided to leave. Of course Charles Xavier found him and told him about the institute, and this whole thing was mended but it was devastating at the time.

MainVerse: Whether or not to leave Valinor was a choice that changed his entire life, and set his entire future in motion down the path of doom. It sounds really dramatic and it was. ;-;. When all the Noldor decided to leave when the trees were killed his mother wouldn’t go with them, and he couldnt bear to leave her but he felt the need to go and protect his father and siblings too. So he told her he would take care of them for her. At that time there was no doom of Mandos, and there could have been a way back to see her at some point and time. It wasnt too unreasonable to think seeing as the Valar said they could go, and they hadnt committed any crimes yet.

After the kinslaying he had a choice to turn back with his father and his people, to be forgiven and have the curse of doom lifted off him but he couldnt leave his siblings, cousins, and lover. He had to choose to stay with them, and thus making the decision to never see his parents again until he died. In a way he had no choice, he couldnt let his siblings, cousins, and lover go to middle earth, where the dark lords were,  alone. Theres no way he could so in that aspect it was an easy choice, but hard and heartwrenching all the same.  Another tough choice was to travel through the Helcaraxe but that wasnt his sole decision, its more complicated so I wont mention that one.

◥█̆̈◤ Four of Cups - how indecisive is your character?

Finrod is pretty decisive, the only decisions that are difficult for him are the ones where his heart and mind clash like the other questions asked about. He has such a big heart, he always tries to consider everyone and do whats best but sometimes the situation calls for a lot of thinking rather than acting on emotion. Something that important takes a lot of thought.

━━╋⊂ Three of Swords - what was the worst betrayal of trust your character has ever experienced?

X-men au: I think going back to the tough decision question about his mutation beginning to surface. At the time when that happened, he felt very betrayed by his own body. Everything just started tumbling to pieces in front of him. His body kept changing and his teeth were growing so his mouth was incredibly sore around his canines not to mention accidentally biting himself a lot. His ears, and sense of smell, and taste were malfunctioning from the change so noises that didnt normally bother him hurt sometimes to the point of bleeding ears, things that normally tasted good suddenly tasted bad, he kept smelling things he didnt want to smell. Not to mention his voice started doing really weird things and he suddenly got abnormally strong. Not only was all this suddenly happening to him, his fear of what would happen to everyone else just made him feel betrayed by the world for not accepting him and forcing him between a rock and a hard place. Of course later, things did work out and he realized there were a lot of people who supported mutants too, and that he just had to see it. The longer he had his mutation he felt like it was who he was meant to be, now he wouldnt know what to do without it. Just being so young and everything happening so suddenly did make him feel betrayed for several months.

Mainverse: Hm, well theres several betrayals that he went through although things like the kinslaying wasnt directly to solely him so I wont elaborate on those.  I would say its a pretty good tie between his uncle Feanor refusing to let  Makalaure/Maglor be with him and basically forcing Mags to marry someone else specifically to keep them from ever being married was a pretty bad betrayal at the time. Feanor had always been rough around the edges, but Finrod had never expected that extent of a betrayal.

The biggest betrayal of his entire lifetime I would say is what Curufin and Celegorm did in Nargothrond.  Finrod had been one of the best kings in history, he was sweet, compassionate, loyal, trust worthy, he cared about everyone not just his own subjects. His kingdom thrived and was so happy, he kept it hidden from evil all that time. There was such an immense level of respect between him and his subjects, and Curufin and Celegorm specifically visited Nargothrond to try and undermine that respect and trust. They widdled away at it and planted all kinds of seeds of doubt to the point when Finrod decided to go with Beren to retrieve a silmaril, it was absolute mutiny. Everyone in the entire kingdom turned on him because of what Curufin and Celegorm had done and said to them, only a single handful of people remained loyal to him. A single handful, thats it, out of that entire massive kingdom. Finrod simply took off his crown and tossed it on the floor bc thats all he could do,  it was such a betrayal there was nothing else he could have done.  Finrod went into Angband with only part of that handful of people because no one else would follow him. They all died except for Beren who Finrod died protecting. Luckily his nephew Orodreth got the crown and not Curufin and Celegorm, but much good that did..Not long after Nargothrond fell and Orodreth and his daughter was killed, and most of Nargothronds people were either killed or enslaved. So.. yea. Massive Betrayal. Hugee. Lead to the entire kingdom and its people being dead.