#seriously why am i doing this to myself

[yingxtkm]

Hello I am once again putting myself in hell for absolutely no reason. Feel free to drop a character under the post or in my ask box and I’ll choose one. No promises I’ll finish it tho LMAOO as per usual

I also have an old version I never finished so there’s that lmao maybe I should fix that one first

[chodzacaparodia]

[pebblume]

chilshi week day 5: cuddling + kiss

stills under the cut!

[allagogtoreblog]

[epic-sorcerer]

“Arthur can totally dress himself he’s just spoiled” why are you giving him that much credit

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[deluweil]

In continuation to this post - I said before that in 3x15 it was raining and there was a lightning strike that collapsed the well on top of Eddie, while Buck was outside jumping with Bobby to the ground to avoid being hit.

When the dust settles, so to speak, it occurs to Buck almost immediately that Eddie is now in grievous danger and tries to get to him.

3x15:

From what I see on the promo and the bts photos, Eddie will be thrown clear from the aerial's controls while Buck is up on the aerial.

Buck up on the aerial:

Raining, Eddie gets thrown clear:

Eddie is in protective gear, and it's not a direct hit, as can be seen clearly. My speculation?

Bobby will go to Eddie to see if he's OK, but Eddie will get up quickly and try to get to Buck - the aerial is conductive, it's more than likely that Buck will be hurt by the electric current from the lightning strike.

So I'm guessing or hoping that we will get a frantic Eddie and maybe a parallel to this:

[papermint-airplane]

Uriah: Damn, this town needs more help than I thought.

Hey this isn't a fashion show. Less judging and more sweating. I totally agree though oh my God.

Uriah and Townie: HELP!

Ugh. Sims.

Uriah: My life is misery!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, mine too. This gym is horrifically designed. I can't believe I have to look at it with my own eyes! Mental note: redo this place when I get the time.

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[auriidae]

how it feels to discover a blog that has a tag with a bunch of archived posts of ur favorite characters that you've never seen before

[kindaasrikal]

I find my self hilarious sometimes (no i dont)

(Please help)

(I cant do work anymore)

[grimdarkfandango]

spending this weekend hobbymaxxed. enjoymentpilled. whatever the kids are saying that I can make sound uncool

actually managed to paint for a couple of hours yesterday after an early call with friends!!! threw out a thing I've been meaning to toss for months and it being gone makes me feel better!!! (rip monstera plant I killed, you did not deserve that) watched more young justice!!! read some book!!! played two different types of viddy game!!! did my chores!!! went out and got a coffee!!! maybe I'll go watch a movie and knit!!! maybe I'll sew a little doll outfit or finish some bookbinding!!! i'm unstoppable!!!!!

[jordaninthevalley]

right back at the age of asking google embarassing questions and then turning around and taking multiple "am i (sexuality)?!" quizzes to try and figure my shit out.

would 12 year old me be disappointed we're still doing this, or would they be happy that we're still dedicated to figuring out who we are?

I wish I could ask them.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

whyyyyy are dog people so obsessed with their pet taking a shit...

[robo-milky]

Mandatory Cat Day Doodle!! 很重要!!

[pastelaspirations]

So, u h.

H O W. HOW, I ASK. ALL I DO IS POST ART ONCE IN A BLUE MOON AND MAKE REALLY CURSED REBLOGS. LIKE, I'M SO VERY GLAD YOU'RE HERE, BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW OR WHY YOU'RE HERE-

I also like. Make really angsty, ungodly long fanfics that I do absolutely nothing to promote on this dumpster fire of a blog, but that's besides the point- ANYWAY. HAVE SOME REALLY SKETCHY DOODLES THAT I DID TO THANK YA MAD LADS ;_;

Thank ya, thank ya, you absolute mad lads. I will uh... continue to do what I do. Thank you for joining the ride, even though it's less of a ride and more that I found an abandoned theme park ride and decided to ride it as a prolonged death wish and you inexplicably strapped yourself in next to me with the moldy seatbelt-

[deoidesign]

Are you slowly going insane over your OWN ocs?

No, I've been infected by brainworms the entire time. Nothing slow about it.

But honestly, no... It's not really about my characters to me. I love my characters, of course, and I love telling stories, and I hope to keep making art of my characters every day until I die.

But it's not about them! They're not REALLY what I love, what I love is people! And I hope I can leave the world with a hundred different love letters so my readers can feel how much I love them for even one day longer than I am here.

My characters are a conduit through which I can give that to people. I want nothing more than to make someone feel a little more loved, a little more seen, and a little less alone. And my characters are the best way I know how to do that.

So for that, they're incredibly important to me... But they're not for me. They're for you!

So I hope you enjoy them

and I hope you can feel that I love you through them.