here i am
cassian andor x gn! reader - 6th installment of latch
masterlist
a/n: alright besties here's another chapter. life day celebrations And other things aka gratuitous party ish scene + Angst + the power of friendship. IN WHICH;;;,,,, cassian andor plays the role of mr darcy for a bit. title from stuck in the middle with you by stealer's wheel because,,, clowns to the left of me. jokers to the right. here i am, stuck in the middle with you.
content? warning?: shara bey and kes dameron cameo x. the introduction of another oc who i Love. she's a 6 foot 9 or 2.05m tall devaronian menace. angst. swearing. ramping up that sexual tension but no smut Probably Ever because i just wont. drinking moderately in a social context, no drunkenness or alcoholism. kissing! amorous touches!
this was written with almost exclusively rosalía's motomami album playing in the bg so just keep that in mind. jk.
wc: 10.2k HUH
It’s Life Day, and other than essential personnel, the base is off-duty.
Unless, of course, there is a catastrophe, but everyone has decided there won’t be. You all need a break.
You and some of the mech crew are deemed essential personnel, but just in the morning. There are some Y-Wings that need repair before a mission tomorrow.
You’re working on Shara’s ship – she’s become a fun friend to have around. You hold similar opinions on repairs and mods, and she’s interesting to talk to – always complaining about that soldier Kes, who keeps asking her out.
You know she likes him; she just wants to string him on a bit. The thought of it makes you laugh.
Only a few other mechs are scattered around.
One of them is Lakan, a middle-aged Besalisk who was an engineer before he joined the Rebellion. He helped a lot in your first couple months – he’s endlessly patient and deeply affectionate. It’s sort of like having a father again, and he greets you with his crushing four armed hugs every time you see him.
Another is a younger Togruta individual with vivid blue skin called Eyroa – they’re something of a prodigy, and the sort of being that seems to know what you need before you ask for it. They’re often handing you a different sized servodriver or a drill-bit with a shy smile.
The other mech present this morning is Greda, the Devaronian you have become good friends with. She’s ridiculously tall and covered in tattoos. Her skin is a deep green, her hair is blonde and short – you still haven’t worked up the nerve to ask if it’s natural or not – and she is a complete nuisance.
Greda likes to wear earplugs while she’s working; she says she gets her best work done when she isn’t distracted by other people. Your friendship started on your second day of work as a mechanic, when she approached you right as you were going on your lunch break. You weren’t sure who she was because she’d been holed up working on a Hammerhead Corvette so you hadn’t met her yet, but you were quickly very glad to know her.
Not here today are the following:
Your fellow humans: Yemmi, an older man who is a notorious flirt, Manala and Hasset, the twins who never stop talking, and Riekk, the Bith, who plays a beautiful new genre of music through his speaker every workday.
They’re good co-workers. They were welcoming when you arrived, and you’re fond of all of them.
Greda, however, is being a pain today.
She’s always a pest, but since it’s a holiday, she’s decided she’s going to wreak havoc upon your morning instead of actually getting work done, which is a first for her.
She picks strange hills to die on.
Right now, she’s sitting on top of Shara’s Y-Wing, kicking her feet, and ranting about something. You zoned out five minutes ago and now her deep, resonant voice is just a buzz in your ear.
You hold out a wrench to her so you can root through your toolbox with both hands, and she takes it without thinking, not pausing in her speech.
You find what you need, but you leave the wrench in her hand. If she’s not going to work, she can at least be useful as a tool stand.
A few minutes later, she stops talking and looks at the wrench in her hand.
“Did you give me this?”
“Yeah, like five minutes ago.”
“I’ll drop it on you.”
You laugh. “I thought you were anti-violence. That’s why you’re a mechanic.”
She huffs and jumps off the Y-Wing. “You’re not being fun today.”
You grunt as you pull a panel of the engine off. “I’m more fun when I’m not being interrupted during work.”
She raises her hands in surrender. “Apologies, my liege.”
You swat her with a rag you had in your pocket. “Enough from you,” you reprimand.
Greda starts to walk away, whistling some annoying little song.
“I’ll see you at the bonfire tonight, though, right?”
“Yeah! See you then!”
She disappears into the hull of a G-75, then there is blessed silence, because Lakan works without music.
You find yourself thinking about Cassian, wondering what he’s doing with his day off.
He visits you in the hangars often, just to say hi, or to keep you company for a bit. You feel honoured to receive his individual attention. You’re flustered by it, too.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t quite get used to the intensity in his eyes when he’s focussed on you. You find yourself looking at his lips, or the line of his jaw, or the sweeping length of his eyelashes more often than not these days.
Flustered or not, you cherish those visits – like the one several months ago where you talked about Onderon, and you kissed each other’s hands. It still brings heat to your face and a thrill through your body just to think about it.
Or the one last week where Cassian told you about his childhood and his family.
The hardest are the weeks when Cassian can’t visit at all because he’s on a long mission.
He’s one of the best operatives the Rebellion has. He’s ruthless, efficient, and observant. He’s killed people just to be able to get back home.
You know how good he is at this work, but you’re still terrified that each time he visits will be the last.
A dozen times, he’s come back bruised and battered, and you hold him extra-gently and extra-long in your arms.
Once, he was rushed to the med centre for carbon dioxide poisoning. You stayed by his bedside for a full 18 hours.
You love him wholeheartedly. He’s your best friend. You’re not sure what that means in the long run, but for now it means he has to come back alive from all of his missions, so you get more time to figure it out.
And maybe one day, tell him.
.
Cassian actually has things to do on this day off. Leisurely things.
He and Melshi are going to sit down and have caf and talk, of all things. They’re both off today, and he hasn’t really spoken to Melshi in a couple months because of conflicting schedules, so that will be nice, he thinks.
A year ago, he probably would have baulked at the idea – Melshi is a friend he made out of necessity; a brother-in-arms – not that he doesn’t like him or enjoy spending time with him.
It’s just that they became friends by escaping a slave-labour prison and establishing trust by clinging on a cliffside together for hours, not by discussing their mutual interests.
He used to do it all the time on Ferrix. He’d walk to Brasso’s work just to catch him before he went home, he’d hang out with Bix, deliver something from Maarva to Jezzi, shoot the shit with Xanwan while he was waiting for a transport.
The rebel base on Yavin 4 doesn’t quite have that same homely feeling yet.
Now, he’s warmed again to the idea of talking, visiting people just to see them, thanks to his constant need to see you.
It’s ridiculous how often he finds time to visit the hangar. The first few times, he pretended it was because he had something else to do and he just happened to run into you, but he can’t be bothered to lie anymore.
You always greet him with a smile and touch his arm with your hand, or if he’s coming back after a mission, you’ll hug him.
What you don’t know is that Cassian comes to the hangar most days he’s on base, but he’ll only talk to you if you’re alone.
Often, you’re talking to Shara Bey about her Y-Wing (or about that ground soldier, Kes, that keeps hitting on her), or chatting across the hangar to one of the other mechanics. Sometimes, you just look like you’re concentrating really hard, and he doesn’t want to disturb you.
He gets embarrassed for some reason and walks away with a little ache in his chest.
Cassian is still bewildered by how obviously overjoyed you are to see him every time he visits. He’s not sure what he did to deserve the smiles you send his way – you smile with your whole being. It’s like being a plant in the sun; like he needs it to get through the day.
He’s pretty sure he’s in love with you.
He doesn’t expect to ever tell you, doesn’t entertain thoughts of crossing the physical boundaries the two of you have. He only dreams of you once every month or so, and that’s out of his control.
He’d rather never tell you he loves you that way than chance losing your companionship. If he made you uncomfortable and you drifted apart, he’d be so shattered that he’d probably become more reckless than usual with his work.
If he dies on a mission one of these days, he doesn’t think he’ll regret that decision.
The rebellion always comes first, now.
.
It’s evening, and Life Day festivities are starting.
Some of the more artistically inclined members of the Rebellion have decorated a sizeable part of the runway outside the temple.
There are random different sizes and kinds of lamps hanging on wires that are precariously strung between generators and trees, scraps of spare fabric (mostly orange, likely from pilots’ jumpsuits), and a massive bonfire being constructed in the centre of the clearing.
There are a few fold-out tables laden with portions of vastly contrasting foods in mismatched containers or piled on mess-hall trays.
For the last couple of weeks, a lot of the rebels who went off-world for missions or recon made pit-stops to pick up different ingredients for cultural delicacies they wanted to make for Life Day.
You smile to see a couple dishes your pilot friends mentioned in passing on the table.
There’s jaunty music playing at an agreeable volume through the runway PA system.
You watch over the next half an hour as more of your comrades fill the space, bringing food or musical instruments, some not in uniform, all relaxed and happy.
The bonfire is lit, during which there’s a song sung by some of the rebels in a language you don’t recognise, but you don’t mind – you feel a part of it regardless.
You’re basking in the joy and freedom of this night until someone practically tackles you from behind and you stumble.
“Hey, babycakes,” Greda says, a little too loud right next to your ear.
You grunt trying to bear her weight. You shove her off, laughing. “Babycakes?”
“Just trying something new,” she says breezily, “you like it?”
You shake your head, but get distracted by watching everyone mingle, unable to keep the smile off your face.
The two of you stand there, soaking it in, until Greda gets fidgety.
She hums that annoying song from this morning and circles you like a loth-wolf, looking around at everything, until she stops and pokes your shoulder over, and over, and over again.
“Greda, what the hell are you doing?”
“Who’s the little grumpy dude watching you from the corner?”
Your head whips around. “Where?”
She points to a dark corner of the runway, right near a path into the forest. You follow her hand and at the end of it is Cassian Andor. He glances away as soon as you clock him.
Shit.
You yank her hand down and give her your fiercest glare.
“Stars and planets, Greda, are you allergic to discretion?”
She grins. “Oh, calm down. Who is it? So tiny and angry.”
You huff. “Everyone’s tiny to you, you’re almost seven feet tall.”
“Still.”
You turn her away from him and watch him over her shoulder. You feel flustered, all of a sudden. “That’s Cassian. He’s – uh – we –”
“So, you’re on a first name basis with the Captain Andor? Interesting.”
You frown, and Greda has a mischievous glint in her eye, and you’re realising this is probably a set up.
“You just implied you didn’t know who he was.”
“That’s on you. Everyone knows who he is. I was just trying to figure out if you knew him.”
You shove her with your hip. “Asshole. Why do you care?”
Greda grabs your hands and swings them between you like you’re dancing.
“Because,” she says in a sing-song voice, “you’re so mysterious, and I can’t tell if you have any friends. I wanted to know if you knew him because he was looking at you like he wanted to take all your clothes off.”
“I have plenty of friends – and I’ve known you for months now, I would have thought you count,” you say, taking control and swinging her arms more violently.
“You didn’t deny that he looked like he wanted to take your clothes off,”
“I wasn’t planning on dignifying that with a response, you perv. And how did you not notice Cassian and I were friends? He visits the hangars like twice a week.”
“I don’t know, I’m busy. I don’t really pay attention to other people,”
You scoff. “Next time you accuse me of being mysterious, get your head out of your narcissistic ass first.”
She makes an exaggerated sad face. “You’re not nearly drunk enough for me to lead this conversation where I want it to go.”
“I’m stone-cold sober, Greda.”
“Exactly.”
Then Lakan and Yemmi join you, so that conversation trails off.
You haven’t had easy, relaxed fun like this in a long time, so despite her threat, when Greda offers you your first drink of the night (with no repayment in order), you take it.
You dance with all of the mech crew in a big, messy circle, copying each other’s moves and tripping over yourselves. Manala and Hasset try to teach you a dance they made up as children, but it’s really quite intricate. The two women can’t stop laughing at you.
Later, when you get a rush of self-confidence, you leave your crew and go chat to Bassa who’s standing by the fire. She’s gruff, as always, and pretends she’s not happy to see you.
You know she is – you can tell by the extra crinkles around her eyes that she’s doing her version of smiling.
She tells you about a couple of her recent missions, and retires pretty early, bemoaning old age.
Greda offers you a second drink maybe an hour later. You accept.
By about 2100, you’re relaxed, just a little bit buzzed, but you still have top-notch fine motor control.
You’re sitting with Greda, cross-legged on the ground. For all her tomfoolery, you trust her.
She just has a cheeky streak half the galaxy wide.
You find yourself thinking that if she were to ask you about Cassian, you might tell her the truth. You’ve never told anyone about him – your friendship, your feelings.
You haven’t had enough to drink for that thought to be the alcohol talking, so you’re pretty sure you actually want to tell her.
At that moment, Cassian walks by. You say “Hey,” too quietly and reprimand yourself internally, but he hears you and turns his head.
“Hey,” he responds, a little more rigidly than usual.
Silence.
You smile awkwardly and look between him and Greda.
“This is Greda. She’s part of mech crew. Greda, Cassian. Cassian, Greda.”
Cassian acknowledges her with a nod. She grins, nods back.
“What are you drinking?” He asks.
You open your mouth to speak, but Greda interrupts, “Corellian Rum and some kind of soda I nicked. I needed our Wompy to relax a little. You know how it is. It’s been a difficult few months.”
You gape at her incredulously.
“How have I not been relaxed? And more importantly, how do you know about that fucking nickname?”
Cassian smiles, just barely. His dimple is just visible from this angle. Your face gets warmer.
“A little birdie told me.”
You groan. “Bassa?”
“Indeed. A few months ago. I was just keeping it for the right moment.”
You cover your face with your hands.
There’s a pause. You see Cassian’s feet shift through a gap in your fingers, and you hear him sigh.
Your heart sinks just a touch – he’s probably not interested in this conversation, and he’s not super sociable so he won’t sit down and talk to you and Greda.
“Sorry, Cass, you were going somewhere. I interrupted.”
“No, it’s okay – I’m just… I was just leaving.” He shoves his hands in his pockets.
“Ah. Well. Have a good night,” you try.
He nods. “Thank you. You too.”
With that, he walks away.
You sigh out deeply.
Greda starts cackling. “What in the seven hells was that?”
You punch her shoulder. “Shut up, shut up, shut up,” you mumble under her laughter.
“No, really. What just happened? You call him Cass? Cute. But I thought you were friends? That was so awkward. And he just stood there staring at you.”
You tilt your head back and look at the stars, trying to find something to get you out of this.
You find nothing, except your mind’s eye replaying the image of Cassian smiling in the firelight.
“I think he’s the love of my life,” you say before you can think.
Greda stops laughing abruptly.
“Oh, my gods.”
She turns to you and her face is serious. You stare back blankly, “What?”
Greda starts ranting in her mother tongue - by the tone of her voice, you think she’s swearing.
She finishes her tirade in Basic:
“Really? Andor? He’s so cranky and you’re so… likeable.”
Something blooms in your chest at the confirmation that Greda, who likes just about no one, likes you. You smile at the ground.
“Why?”
Your mind floods with a ridiculously detailed montage of interactions with Cassian over the last year and you can’t help the beaming smile that appears on your face.
Greda groans in disgust.
“Shut up. Cassian’s been there for me ever since I joined the Rebellion. He’s… intelligent. He’s very good at what he does. He’s easy to talk to.”
“You sound like you’re recommending him for a job.”
You narrow your eyes at her. “You are not making this easy. I can end this conversation whenever I want.”
She has the decency to look a bit sheepish. “Sorry.”
“We trust each other. He’s got a very gentle heart underneath it all. And… he’s – he’s very-”
“What?”
Your whole body feels warm. “I like his face.”
She snickers. “He is pretty. In sort of a depressed, haunted loth-cat way.”
“I can’t stand you.”
You shove your foot into her shin, but it doesn’t hurt her. All it does is throw you off balance, and you topple backwards and end up flat on the ground.
Her giggling turns into fully fledged booming laughter.
“You are such a child,” you reprimand through your own giggles.
Greda doubles over and slaps your leg repeatedly, laughing so hard she’s silently shaking.
Fucking Devaronians.
.
Cassian comes to see you in the upper hangar two nights later and thank the stars, you’re alone.
He’s pretty sure you’re working on Shara’s astromech, an R5 unit.
There are droids that do that sort of work so you don’t really have to, but he remembers you saying you were happy to help and you needed the practice, and Shara was happy to lend a her droid to you.
The speaker next to you is playing soft music, and you’re sitting cross legged on the floor in the lamplight.
Cassian can hear you talking the astromech gently through what you’re doing – it’s powered down, so talking to it is completely redundant, but he’s endeared by your kindness.
He doesn’t want to ruin your peace, but he needs to ask you something.
He’s about to greet you when you turn to get something and see him approaching.
You give him a tired smile and his heart races.
“Hey, Cass,” you say. You reach out your hand up him and he instinctively takes it. You give his hand a squeeze and sigh contently.
“Hi,” he says, trying to keep his voice soft.
“What brings you here? It’s so late,”
He takes a fortifying breath and says what he came here to say.
“Would you do me a massive favour?” He asks.
You nod immediately. “Yeah, ‘course.”
“I just – I need a mech, for an operation next week, and they said to pick anyone I wanted, and I want you,” his face flushes, “I mean - I wanted to ask you. I know you don’t like active combat. You’re not gonna be in danger.”
Wariness takes over your face. A mission?
“Tell me more.”
.
The plan is to land near a city on Numidian Prime. Cassian will go into the city undercover, into one of its many gambling hubs, and try to gamble information from someone who knows someone who’s supposed to know the whereabouts of a Rebel informant who’s recently gone missing.
This informant is vital to the function of the Rebellion, it seems.
The mission is somewhat complicated for Cassian, but your role in it isn’t too stressful. The Rebel Alliance has an old U-Wing model that, with a little paint job, can pass as the sort of vintage ship a rich gambler might own instead of an Alliance ship – the latter of which could cause a lot of problems. The only shortcoming is that because of its age, it can really only survive one trip into hyperspace before repairs have to be made.
Which is where you come in.
As soon as Cassian leaves the ship, you need to get to work on repairing it, replacing any parts necessary (which might require a trip into town yourself) and making sure it’s ready to fly back to Yavin 4.
Despite the importance of the operation, it isn’t particularly intense. No one bats an eye at another souped-up looking ship on a planet filled with smugglers and gamblers in hiding, and Numidian Prime doesn’t have a government or law-enforcement agency that might enforce a parking fine or impoundment – or even check the details of ships that land there.
Cassian looks like he’s worried you’ll say no.
The thought did cross your mind, but you’d much rather be with Cassian on a mission in a non-combat capacity than stay on Yavin 4 and hope he’s alright.
Your only qualm with the whole situation is really his choice of mech.
“Why me?”
That seems to be the last thing he was expecting you to say. “What do you mean?”
You shrug. “Lakan has years more experience than me, Eyroa’s practically psychic when it comes to ship diagnostics. Riekk is much more efficient than the rest of us.”
There Cassian goes again, with his earnest face. He strokes your hand with his thumb.
“Because I trust you.”
You chew on your lip.
“Okay.”
.
There are a couple meetings over the next three days. You, Greda and Eyroa spend your spare moments detailing the old U-Wing, painting and buffing so it attracts normal, ship-enthusiast attention on Numidian Prime.
It’s interesting being part of mission briefs again, after a year and a bit off. You listen raptly and are incredibly thankful you don’t have to do what Cassian does.
His alias is a man called Dimik Kayo – a man who frequents the casinos of Canto Bight but is looking for more high-stakes and tucked away places to make money. Thus, Numidian Prime.
They gave him some clothes to wear during the mission, and he won’t show you, but he doesn’t seem pleased. You’re sort of morbidly excited to see how bad the outfit is.
The day comes, you get in the U-Wing with as many tools and parts as your mech team can spare and get on your way.
.
The flight is relatively short, only a day and a half. Cassian spends a fair amount of it sleeping; he’s just off the back of a last-minute mission and hasn’t slept for a couple days. You amuse yourself by watching him or going through the Mechanic’s Manual for the U-Wing.
As expected, the landing on Numidian Prime is easy. You’re a couple kliks out from the main city in a clearing, surrounded by trees. No one comms in and asks for identification – one of the perks of dodgy planets.
Cassian’s getting changed. You wait in the copilot’s seat, your back to him. You’re completely silent - you feel anxious about the mission and just nervous in general.
Then you hear the click of dress shoes walking towards you.
“This is as good as it’s gonna get.”
You turn around, and as soon as you set eyes on Cassian, you’re filled with an all-encompassing want.
You’ve always thought of Cassian as attractive. He’s a beautiful man and a good person, and those big brown eyes of his definitely don’t hurt.
But the difference between this moment and every other time you’ve interacted with Cassian is that - it’s just -
It turns out that Cassian Andor is hot.
He’s tried to comb his hair back, but it’s still pretty messy. His facial hair is grown out at the moment, but he’s just trimmed it, so his cheekbones and jaw look extra sharp.
And the clothes he’s wearing. A muted, dark blue suit jacket with a high rounded collar, with the top two out of six buttons undone. You can see the entirety of his clavicle and some of his chest. The sleeves are tight, and they make him look particularly built.
The same with the legs of his trousers. They’re snug around his thighs, and you have to tear your eyes away. You can hear your pulse in your ears.
‘As good as it’s going to get’ is … very good.
Stars, he’s so hot your tongue feels numb.
He’s talking, but there might as well be static in your ears.
His hands.
There are rings on his fingers.
Half of your mind is taken up by a montage of all the places you want his hands to touch you, the other half sounding the alarm that it is not ideal to desire your best friend carnally, it will lead to a wealth of problems.
He takes a step closer, and you can smell him, the cologne he just put on, and if you weren’t already sitting your knees would give out from under you -
“Are you listening?”
You snap your mouth closed. “Hm?”
“I’ll call you ‘Wompy’ just to annoy you into paying attention.”
You’re sort of thinking he can call you anything he wants when he looks like that, but instead you say, “I’ll kick you in the shins if you do,” uncharacteristically combatively.
He frowns, a little concerned.
You curse internally; you’ve been thrown off your rhythm.
“Sorry,” you wave a hand in the air vaguely, “lost in thought. What were you saying?”
.
You’re acting weird.
You’re fidgeting in a way Cassian hasn’t seen from you since that first time you spoke in the forest of Yavin 4 after Nar Shaddaa. The last few things you’ve said have gone just a touch past your usual level of banter into defensiveness.
While he was talking through the order of operations, it seemed like you were zoning out.
Cassian’s attaching his comm to his inside jacket pocket, tucking a blaster in his boot, watching you in his peripheral vision. You look deep in thought, one of your legs bouncing up and down.
Nervous?
He turns slightly towards you, debating on whether to talk to you or not.
You glance up like you feel his eyes on you. He watches your eyes scan his body from head to toe, and he feels his face heat up.
He feels ridiculous in this getup, it’s a lot less coverage than he’s accustomed to wearing when he’s working, and it’s like half of his torso is on display.
Cassian was already feeling unsettled, and now you’re acting strange, and he needs to sort this out, otherwise he’ll just be worried about you for the whole mission.
He runs a hand through his hair (freshly gelled, which feels slimy and disgusting) as he makes his way over to you. Then there’s residue on his hand and he can’t wipe it off on his trousers, so he just stares at his hand, standing in front of you.
Force, what is going on today?
“You want a cloth for that?” You ask, cutting through his mile-a-minute thoughts.
He nods. “Please.”
.
So you stand up to get a cloth without factoring in his proximity to you, and suddenly you are almost chest to chest. You put your arms out in front of you to brace yourself and they land on each side of the deep V of his suit jacket.
He’s warm. You stare at his neck for a second to gather your wits, which doesn’t work very well because his neck is just as nice as his…everything else.
Then you look up, and he’s already gazing intently at your face.
He’s very close. And his eyes are so beautiful.
You have the compulsion to chew on your lip out of pure stress, but what if that’s weird and Cassian notices, so you just purse your lips in to stop yourself from doing anything stupid with them.
Cassian immediately looks at your lips and you feel your entire body go stiff.
He frowns, and the hand that isn’t covered in hair gel comes up and squeezes your upper arm.
“Is everything alright?” He asks softly. You can feel his breath on your face.
You let out the most stupid, timid “yep” of your life and you want the ground below you to cave in.
He searches your face. “Come on. Tell me.”
You let out a sharp sigh. You have no idea how to get out of this.
His hand moves from your shoulder to the side of your neck, and it practically sends sparks through your entire body. “Are you nervous?”
Silence.
.
Cassian starts to stroke your cheek with his thumb without thinking. He just wants that eopie-in-the-headlights expression on your face to fall away. “This is an easy mission. Plus, I’ll have you in my ear the whole time. You don’t need to be nervous-”
“Maker, Cassian, don’t do that!” You push him away, and that comforting warmth of your hands on his chest disappears.
He’s scrambling, trying to figure out if he overstepped - he doesn’t think he did, he’s touched your face before.
You rub your hands over your face vigorously. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”
Something in his chest aches to see you out of sorts like this. You laugh a little bitterly, which confuses him even more. Then you look at him and take a deep breath.
“I am nervous. Not about the mission. It’s fine. I’m sorry I’m being so weird. Don’t worry.”
“What are you nervous about?”
You look flustered, and you indicate to him with a vague wave of your arm.
“Me?”
You cringe. “Yes.”
His mind is racing. “Did I do something wrong?”
.
You can see Cassian is panicking that he’s made you uncomfortable, and you shouldn’t have said anything, but he needs to know he hasn’t done anything wrong, so you say:
“You -” you gesture uselessly, “you look… You look really good and I’m…just sort of…”
Realisation dawns on Cassian’s face, but he’s still and silent.
You can’t stop yourself now that you’ve started. “Like, stars, Cassian, do you think they made your sleeves tight enough? And those stupid rings? And they really picked the right colour for the suit, didn’t they?”
Cassian’s got a tiny, incredulous smile on his face as he looks at you. His eyes are bright.
“Don’t look at me like that,” you say in an embarrassingly weak voice.
That smile turns into one of those stupid little smirks he does.
There is a long pause, where you’re just looking at each other.
.
“You really like this outfit?” He asks.
You groan and cover your face with your hands, muttering a muffled “I hate you.”
Outside, he looks calm enough. Inside, his heart is racing, his body feels too hot, and he thinks he’s going to lose his balance.
You, the most gorgeous, radiant person he has ever seen, are flustered by him in formal wear. You think he’s attractive, so much so that you’re stumbling over your words.
He can’t help but laugh for the pure elation the idea brings him.
You cringe and peek at him through your fingers. “Don’t laugh!”
He schools his face. “I’m not-” You glare at him. “I am, I’m just. I’m not laughing at you.”
You roll your eyes, set your jaw. There is a tiny hint of a smile on your face. “I’m getting you a cloth for your stupid hand.”
He watches you walk away, eyes the lines of your body, the movement of your hips. It’s not the first time he’s done it, not by a long shot.
You return with the cloth and hold it out to him, arm completely outstretched for maximum distance between the two of you.
He takes your hand anyway and pulls you toward him, which makes you gasp. Cassian desperately wishes he didn’t have a mission to do right now.
You shove the rag into the centre of his chest and yank your hand out of his grip.
“Go be good looking somewhere else.”
Cassian feels like he’s about to jump out of his skin.
Neither of you move.
Cassian wipes the gel off his hand and tosses the rag on the floor.
You lean closer in.
Stars above.
He knows physical intimacy. He’s plenty experienced, but his hands are shaking anyway, because it’s you.
Instinctively, Cassian reaches out, wraps an arm around your waist, pulls you against him.
“Cass,” you warn, but you’re sliding your palms up the front of his suit jacket anyway. Cassian shudders and reaches his hand up to the side of your face. You press your cheek against his hand, and the movement exposes the wide expanse of the other side of your neck.
He can’t hold back, not anymore, so he leans in and kisses you in that soft space just above your collarbone, once, before he can even think about it. You gasp softly, and one of your hands moves up to the back of his neck.
He knows this is a good sign, so he kisses you again, a little higher. You make a gentle, breathy sound in the back of your throat that makes his heart trip. Another kiss, lingering, a little higher. You tilt your head further back for ease of access, and his hands squeeze involuntarily on your waist. He feels like it’s his first time kissing someone.
This time, when his lips meet your neck, he sucks on your skin for a second or two.
.
Your mind is ridiculously hazy, overwhelmed entirely by the situation, but when he sucks on your neck you have a moment of clarity.
The mission.
“Cassian Andor, don’t you dare start something you don’t have the time to finish.”
It comes out much more breathily than you would have planned - in your head you were more authoritative, but his beard feels so lovely against your skin and you can’t quite breathe.
Cassian just shushes you, the bastard, and kisses along your jaw, getting closer to your lips. He pulls away, about to kiss you again, but you grab his chin and make him look you in the eyes.
He looks flushed, his eyelids are half closed, and he’s breathing heavily.
Whatever you were about to say goes into hyperspace and exits your mind. You open and close your mouth a few times, trying to come up with something to say.
There’s a lazy smile on his face, like it’s fun for him to watch you struggle. You grip his chin a little harder and he laughs, breathy and low.
“Cass-”
“I know,” he murmurs, drawing back. He doesn’t move his gaze from your lips, though.
You pull his bottom lip down gently with your thumb. He makes a little pleading sound, which is probably the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard.
You let his lip go. “Kiss me again after the mission, gorgeous.”
His jaw drops and you laugh deliriously in shock at yourself.
“Sorry. It slipped out,” you push him away and he takes a couple of wobbly steps backward.
“Off you go.”
“You can’t just call me that and then tell me to leave,” he appeals.
You’re still laughing. You cover your mouth with your hand. “The sooner you go, the sooner you can come back.”
He stares you down affectionately with those ridiculously intense eyes of his, and it’s hard not to cave in and fall back into his arms.
He shakes his head at you minutely and he’s trying not to smile.
You’re still grappling with the events of the last five minutes, but you’re so elated it’s hard to focus.
“Stop loitering,” you tease.
He scoffs good-naturedly and walks backwards in the direction of the shuttle ramp. His gaze meanders up and down your body, which makes you feel like you’re on fire.
Flirting. That’s new.
“I’ll be talking in your ear for the entire mission. You won’t even have time to miss me.”
He meets your eyes. “I wouldn’t be so sure, angel.”
You freeze, bewildered by his chosen term of endearment. Cassian’s rendered you speechless and he knows it, so he grins. A mischievous, joyful smile that makes your knees weak.
He turns and walks down the ramp. Then he’s out of sight.
Angel.
The speaker crackles to life in the cockpit, and it’s just Cassian laughing over the comm. You're somewhat embarrassed, but you feel like you’re about to take flight or something. His laugh.
“And you had the audacity to complain about me calling you gorgeous. What the fuck, Cass.”
He’s still laughing as you pull out your toolboxes.
.
You both focus entirely on the mission, after that. You're both good at compartmentalising.
Cassian plays the role of a sleazy, womanizing gambler, and you hurriedly repair the ship.
Several hours later, the comm crackles on again.
.
“Success?” You ask.
“Yeah. Coming back now.”
“Alright. I’m just replacing a floor panel, otherwise, I’m done.’
He makes a satisfied “hm.”
You grumble into the comm as you replace the floor panels of the shuttle, “That was fast on your end, though. You should dress up as a money hungry man-whore more often.”
“Hey,” he reprimands.
“What was this character’s name again?” You ask as you search your toolbox for a wrench.
“Dimik. Kayo.”
“Yikes,” you grunt as you put your bodyweight into tightening a bolt.
“What’s wrong with ‘Dimik’?” Cassian asks.
“Oh, you know…”
It dawns on you while you’re talking with Cassian that this is all brand new. The comfortable, easy friendship you’ve developed has changed irreversibly, regardless of how things go when he gets back to the ship.
You trust Cassian. That’s the easy part.
But romantic relationships are not particularly familiar to you, and you’re in the middle of a war, and the what ifs start piling up. You’re not sure you really want the newness when everything around you is already changing all the time.
.
Cassian notices you trail off mid-sentence. He figures you need to concentrate fully on your work for a second.
But after a minute or so of silence, he checks in.
“Hey, are you okay?”
A pause.
“I’m gonna ask you something, and you have to answer me honestly,” you start softly.
His heart thuds like a death knell in his chest. You sound solemn.
“I would never lie to you.”
“Are we going to be alright? After…” everything that just happened.
Cassian’s steps almost falter. “We are,” he says.
Do you regret it? Do you want it to be a one-time thing? You said he could kiss you again when he gets back, but was that a joke? Heat of the moment?
He realises that the idea of not getting to kiss or hold you again is a source of stress, which throws him into a panic.
He’s not ready for this. You’re his best friend. Knowing you is easy, and integral to his life. Kissing you was easy – he enjoys it, he’s good at it. And he… likes you.
But those two components together are –
They’re daunting. He’s never wanted to give all of himself to a person before. He never felt he had much to give.
Your voice is timid as you say, “I can’t lose you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“You won’t. I - you won’t lose me.”
You hum, deep in thought.
Cassian is still making his way to the shuttle. He waits for you to speak.
“Okay,” you start, voice uneven.
His heart just about melts. “Yeah?”
“I - care about you a lot, okay, and I’m not sure I’m good at relationships. Romance.” You sigh.
He wants to run back to the shuttle and wrap you tightly in his arms, but he thinks if he saw the look in your eyes right now, he wouldn’t know what to do, so he keeps walking at the same pace.
“This was so much more coherent in my head. I just want - I don’t want this to be weird. I don’t - I don’t want anything to change. Between us.”
Cassian tries to stay calm, but his heart is sinking. So you do regret it?
He asks in a very neutral voice, “As in, you don’t want to be more than friends?”
“Shit, no - sorry - stars, I’m doing a terrible job of this,” you mutter, “let me start again.”
Cassian takes a deep breath. “Okay.”
You curse quietly.
“Okay. I love you, Cass. And I want you. Every part of you in any way I can get. But I’m not so familiar with dating or partnership and I really don’t want to fuck it up. Would we just be the same we’ve been but with … new physical aspects? Or is there something else I’ll need to be? I’m bad at flirting, I think I just turn mean. I don’t know how to be…sexy, or attractive, I don’t know. I think I’m scared that that’s what I need to bring to a relationship, and I won’t be able to, and you’ll leave eventually, and I will have lost my best friend. So.”
It’s like he’s floating in antigrav. Or like he’s high off some top-quality spice. “You love me.”
You sigh gently but exasperatedly, “Yes, of course I do. Did you hear everything else I said, though?”
Whoops. “Yes. I-” The shuttle comes into view. Shit. “- I did. I heard you.”
“You don’t have to respond right now. If you need time to think.” You’re making a valiant effort to accommodate him, but your voice is wobbly.
The thing is, at the heart of all his worry, Cassian knows this:
No one’s ever been as kind to him as you. No one’s ever been so considerate. No one’s as steadfast, as non-judgemental. He has never trusted a person like he trusts you.
He knows he doesn’t deserve you. It’s selfish, but that won’t stop him from holding onto you until his dying breath. He decides in that moment that he wants to do whatever it takes to keep you by his side.
He reaches the hangar the ship is docked in.
“I don’t need time to think.”
He hears you take a shallow breath. “Okay.”
.
You’re waiting for Cassian to speak when you hear footsteps up the ramp. You whirl around, about to grab something from your toolbox as a weapon, when you realise it’s Cassian, which in this very moment is scarier than if it was a random attacker.
You stand stock still. He takes his comm out and puts it in his pocket.
Your pulse is racing, and you can hear your blood in your ears.
The two of you stand there a metre and a bit apart for what feels like a little eternity.
Then Cassian takes a few purposeful steps towards you and takes you in his arms.
He’s so warm, and he smells so good, so you tuck your face into his neck. His hand moves up to cradle the back of your head.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hi,” you say, muffled.
You can’t lose this. The feel of his arms around you, the warmth of his chest against yours.
But you need an answer now, so you whisper, “You said you didn’t need time to think.”
Cassian’s fingers sift through your hair. “I don’t.”
There is a pause.
Then Cassian says gently in your ear;
“You don’t need to be anything you aren’t already. I love you because of who you were when I met you, who you are now. Who you’re always gonna be. Nothing else.”
He loves you. You’d fall to your knees if he wasn’t holding you up. You don’t know what to say, but you can’t leave him hanging.
“Cassian-”
“If it helps, I always thought you were attractive. Sexy.”
You think you might die with his soft, raspy voice in your ear saying that.
“And hey, if the physical stuff takes some time, I don’t mind. I want you, too, but I’m ready when you are. Any way you want me.”
You tilt your head and whisper in his ear, “Andor, I’m gonna do something indecent if you keep talking to me like that.”
He smiles, and you feel it against your cheek. “Like I said. I’m ready when you are.”
He runs a hand through the hair at the nape of your neck, and you release him from your hold to put your hands on either side of his face.
His expression is so soft. You can see the dimple on his left cheek, and his eyes are catching all sorts of light.
This beautiful man.
“You love me?” You ask, trying and failing to hide a smile.
He lets out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I do,”
You make this funny sound, like halfway between a single laugh and a hiccup, because your body can’t quite process the joy you’re feeling.
Cassian snorts. “What was that?”
You shake your head giddily, grinning. “I don’t know!”
“Stop making weird sounds,” he murmurs. His eyes don’t leave your lips.
“Don’t tell me what to do,” you mumble as you close the distance between you.
His lips are ridiculously soft, and they’re moving languidly against yours like you’ve got all the time in the world. His facial hair is a little scratchy, but in a pleasant way that makes your face feel hot.
It goes like this for a minute or so - until his tongue runs across your lips. You gasp, and your hands fall from his face. You sling your arms around his neck while he licks into your mouth, filthy and slow.
You try to give back as good as you get, but stars, this man can kiss.
Suddenly, his lips aren’t on yours anymore, and he’s walking you back into the wall of the ship. You hit the wall with a soft thud and then Cassian starts kissing your neck again.
You feel like a teenager again.
“Cassian,” you manage to choke out.
He grunts in response.
He lingers on one spot on your neck for so long you’re pretty sure there’s going to be a mark, which will be fun to explain when you get back to base.
Cassian’s hands start to roam all over you, and you’re getting a little restless. You pull his face back up to yours and kiss him again as fervently as you can manage.
You’re there for Force knows how long, exploring each other in this new way, until the pace slows and you’re both breathing heavily. You start to pull away, but Cassian bites your bottom lip and tugs on it a little.
You make a soft, surprised sound and he chuckles, low and gentle. You feel another wave of heat rush through your body.
He gives you one more searing kiss, steps back with a smug little smile on his face and starts to get the ship ready for take-off.
You flatten your palms against the wall. Your head falls back in a haze.
You look over at Cassian.
It seems like it’s his personal mission to make you swoon today, because he’s sitting in the pilot’s chair with his headphones on, his hair all messy, still in that suit. His posture is relaxed, his eyes are focussed on the switchboard before him.
You love to see this man in his element.
You stand there leaning against the wall of the ship in a daze while he goes about his work.
He’s about to take off, so he turns to you to tell you to take a seat, but he sees your expression and he stops. There’s a quizzical look on his face.
“What?” He asks.
His shoulders look so broad in that suit.
You have too many thoughts in your head to be able to pick one to say, so you stay silent and just keep following the lines of his body with your eyes.
He fiddles with his hands. He looks embarrassed or even a little shy, which sends a thrill running through you.
“Are you gonna sit down?”
You’ve succeeded in flustering the notoriously stern and unflappable Cassian Andor, and it feels fantastic. You do take a seat, but you don’t stop blatantly watching him. You can’t look away.
He shifts under your gaze, but he manages to take off and get the ship into the atmosphere without any issues.
You let yourself get lost in thought.
.
It’s been silent for a while, and Cassian is calculating the hyperspace route on a datapad. He’s finally feeling like he has control over the situation when you ask, “Are you planning on keeping the beard? It felt so nice on my neck.”
Cassian drops his stylus, but he manages not to choke on air, so he thinks he handles that pretty well.
He leans down to grab it, but you get there first. You offer him the stylus and your hand lingers on his for a second.
His hand shakes as he types in the coordinates. This is a lot to deal with.
“Uh, maybe? It’s sort of annoying to take care of.”
“Hm.”
Is it warm on the ship? He checks climate control.
Maybe it’s just him. He undoes a button of his jacket and rolls up a sleeve.
He looks over to you while he’s working on his second sleeve and you’re still staring at him, a little dazed. Your eyes meet and you quickly look away.
Cassian feels powerful, that he can make you look like that. He’s also terrified – did he make the wrong choice? Are you better without him?
The screen flashes to notify him that the engines are ready, so he pushes the lever forward and the ship launches into hyperspace.
He watches as the inside of the ship is washed in faint blue from the streaks of light out of the window. Watches the colours playing on your skin.
It occurs to him that the two of you are alone on this ship now for an entire cycle.
A silence stretches out between you, punctuated by accidental eye contact when both of you try to sneak a glance at the other and get caught.
At some point, Cassian stands up, walks over to his pack and grabs his water canteen.
Out of absolutely nowhere, you say very nonchalantly, “I wish there was a shower on this ship.”
Cassian’s mind goes to about fifteen very naked places it’s not supposed to be, and it almost gives him whiplash. “What?”
“Your hair’s all crunchy from the gel. If there was a shower you could wash it off.”
The hair gel isn’t bothering him, so he’s a little confused. “I’ll be able to wash it off tomorrow,”
You nod. “I’ve just always wanted to run my fingers through your hair because it looks so soft, and I figure you’d let me do that now. But the gel is in the way of that right now.”
Suddenly, the hair gel is bothering him. A lot.
“I thought you said you were bad at flirting,” he manages to rasp out.
“You think that’s flirting?”
Cassian thinks he might not survive this flight. “What do you think it is?”
“That’s just my stream of consciousness.”
‘Stream of consciousness.’ Stars help him.
Cassian’s still a little drunk on you saying you love him and feeling your hands and mouth on him, so his self-preservation skills are lacking.
Plus he’s never been one to think much before he acts.
This is what leads him to ask; “What else is in your stream of consciousness?” as he takes a sip from his canteen.
A contemplative hum.
“I was thinking you look hot with your sleeves rolled up.”
He chokes on his water.
You watch him, alarmed, as he coughs up his lungs. It’s embarrassing, but he can’t stop coughing, to the point where you rush over.
“Shit, are you okay?” You reach out to touch him.
Cassian waves your hand away as he tries to get his breath back.
Once he manages to take a few blessedly uneventful breaths, and you take the opportunity to stroke the side of his face. Your eyes are so wide, so concerned. You’re the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.
His chest aches. He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve you.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
And now you’re apologising. For complimenting him. For calling him hot.
“- Stars, Cass, I thought you were dying for a second there, is there anything I can-”
He rushes you backwards against the wall of the ship again and does his very best to kiss you breathless.
Before he can even think, he’s pushing his knee gently between your legs. You let out a very soft moan.
He can’t stop. He’s kissing every bit of your skin he can find, and your hands are roaming everywhere on his body.
Maybe if he makes you feel good; if he pleases you, keeps you happy that way, you won’t notice how wrong he is for you.
“I love you,” he murmurs as he moves to kiss your lips again, “I love you,” as he pulls away to take a breath, “I love you,” before he bites your earlobe.
You gasp and grip his shoulder.
Something dark and possessive runs through him.
He can’t lose you. He can’t.
But he knows he shouldn’t do this to you, either.
.
Cassian’s moving with reckless abandon, his lips and teeth and tongue are everywhere he can reach.
The tenderness and joy of the first few kisses you shared are washed away by this intensity, this focus.
And it’s not that you don’t like it, the urgency, but when you catch Cassian’s expression, it’s as stern and intense as he is during a mission.
Something’s wrong.
You brace your hands on his chest. “Cass, are you okay?”
He ignores you and presses his lips to yours.
You try a couple more times with gentle coaxing, to figure out what’s going on with him, but he doesn’t respond, so you grab his face, press his forehead against yours, and say, “Stop, baby.”
His eyes fly open and he wrenches himself away from you without a word.
He paces the length of the ship over and over again, and you watch the furrow in his brow get deeper.
Slowly, you slide down against the hull of the ship and sit on the floor.
You’ve known Cassian long enough to be able to identify some of his habits and patterns of thought. You trust him enough to know he didn’t lie when he said he loved you, but there’s something stopping him from giving himself to you.
He’s the sort of person that will give love, but not accept it back.
He stops and looks at you. “We can’t do this.”
Twenty minutes ago, you would have allowed this, given up and nursed a bruised heart for months.
But this is now, and you’re not letting the man you love forfeit something that could make him happy because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.
He’s obviously not expecting the calm expression on your face, or how you say, “Sit down.”
He sits immediately, leaning against the other side of the hull.
“I’m gonna say some things, and then I’ll give you time to think, and you can come back and respond, okay?”
Cassian nods, dumbfounded.
“If you don’t want this, you tell me that. Otherwise, don’t make my choices for me. You haven’t tricked me into loving you. I’ve loved you since you walked over to our table in the mess hall, dead on your feet with your grumpy face, looking like you were about to kill someone. There isn’t an expiry date or a condition on that. I’m not going to wake up one day and decide that I don’t love you because of what you’ve done, or who you are. You’re a good person. You deserve to be happy. To be loved. I’ll love you regardless of whether you’ll accept it or not,” you smile a little, “if you look at it that way, you could find that you may as well make the most of it.”
His eyes are shiny - more than normal - and you realise there are tears there, waiting to spill over. You want nothing more than to go over and hold him, but you don’t need physical contact to keep distracting you from conversations that need to be had.
“Make sense?” You ask.
He nods.
“Good. I’ll be here for you. I’ll still be here for you when we land back on Yavin, no matter how long it takes. Just take your time, sweetheart.”
.
If anyone else called him ‘sweetheart’, Cassian would start a fight, but when you do, you say it like you mean it. Like you think he’s good, or precious.
You put the meaning of the two words in it. ‘Sweet’ and ‘heart’. It would be enough to make him cry on a normal day, let alone this one. He clears his throat to keep himself under control.
After a while, you move to the bench in the middle of the ship and lie down on it. You didn’t get much sleep during the flight here, so Cassian isn’t surprised when your eyes fall shut almost immediately.
So he sits on the floor of the hull in silence, and he thinks.
.
A few weeks pass and Cassian hasn’t visited you in the hangars once.
You assume he needs space away from you to think. You said you’d give it to him and you are, but you’re not endlessly patient, and doubt is creeping in.
You trust Cassian, you do, but what if he said he loved you because he felt obliged to, or because of the heat of the moment? What if he’s never going to visit you again? What if those kisses were the only ones you were ever going to share with him?
Greda, for once, is being tactical. She seemed to notice something was off, but she hasn’t mentioned it except for asking you how you are once or twice.
You’re entering the lower hangar with a late-night cup of herbal tea when you hear the alarm for an emergency landing going off on the runway.
You and Riekk are on the night shift tonight, which means you do some mech work or personal projects, but mostly you’re on call for any emergencies ship-wise throughout the night.
You run up the stairs to ground level, your tea left on the bottom step.
When you get to the runway, there’s a BTL Y-wing half in flames, haphazardly landed.
Through the smoke, you see two figures making their way out of their seats on the ship.
K-2 and Cassian.
K-2 might be a little banged up, it’s hard to see from here, but Cassian is hunched over, holding his side. His other arm is limp.
You comm the med centre and ask for the medics on call to bring a med-rig.
The med team arrives while you and Riekk are putting out the last of the fire, and Cassian is taken away on the rig before you can see him.
In the adrenaline rush and anxiety, you manage to convince yourself that Cassian won't want you there with him in the med centre. You need to keep giving him space. He's not dying, just injured. You'll only be an annoyance in the med centre anyway.
So after you've gotten a couple of the bigger maintenance droids to tug the Y-wing out of the middle of the runway into the upper hangar, you trudge back downstairs to work on some carbon scoring that's built up on one of the Corvettes.
You pick up the tea you left on the bottom step and take a sip, but it's been steeping too long, so it's bitter and cold.
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