#sft.txt

[goddteeth]

i will never leave this house

[goddteeth]

april

[goddteeth]

LAY DOWN

[goddteeth]

incredibly cringe for me to be experiencing Symptoms

[goddteeth]

i can’t do this anymore

[goddteeth]

a memory like blood, like metal against skin, like i’m smearing red on the bathroom linoleum

i’m getting sick again

[goddteeth]

i’m so alone i’m so alone i’m so alone. please don’t leave me here. i’m not safe by myself.

[goddteeth]

a silly recovery thing i’ve been doing is “releasing my feelings to the Force.”

To preface yes i am a star wars buff. and the first time i jokingly thought “i should release my feelings to the force,” it was just a dumb joke i thought of in a moment of sadness, but… it actually worked?

Not only did the thought break me out of my self-induced cycle of negative emotions and thoughts, but it was silly enough to make me chuckle. then, after the chuckle, my head was a bit clearer, and i was able to more accurately evaluate my emotions & let go of them if they weren’t actually helping me. and that’s just the thing: it’s important to learn to let go of some of our emotions that aren’t helping the situation at hand (esp when the emotions are bred from old trauma responses).

“Releasing my feelings to the force” has actually helped me manage my anger better (stops my thoughts in their tracks, forces me to reevaluate the situation, helps me calm down and let go of my emotions). It’s helped relax me in moments of anxiety, and more.

so this is my message for other traumatized babes, or for other ppl with obsessive thoughts/feelings that won’t go away (i have OCD so i often get caught in thought loops): find some way, silly or not, to disrupt the thought processes and emotions that don’t benefit you.

[goddteeth]

i know nicotine is terrible for me and i should 100% try to quit smoking, but there’s something very healing about hanging out outside of the job i hate with several other employees that also hate the job and having a quiet smoke with them. mutual sharing in vibes

[goddteeth]

haven’t you taken enough from me?

[goddteeth]

and i begged you,

in all of the kindness of you

on my knees i wept

babe please don’t hurt me

i am too fragile

i can’t take a beating

like i used to

[goddteeth]

how dare you. how dare you treat me that way. i’ll eat you alive.

[goddteeth]

i want this all to be over

[goddteeth]

and now i know i must have been dreaming because he can never love me. i am so far out of reach and he just wants to be alone in this haunted house with no lights on - oh, how i have ruined everything by saying it out loud. i’ve tasted his blood and it’s like he’s a place i remember but can never visit; i know i can leave but there’s nothing waiting for me outside this door. i have begged him please can you be tender and his aching, shaking hands did not touch me at all and somehow i think that bruised even more.

[goddteeth]

i think i will die in this house

[goddteeth]

most of the time i feel kind of like

the earth after a few days of rain

soft and oh so saturated

but the end of summertime is

the sun burning what’s left of my

tender memories away

when i lay in a bed of once

gentle moss i long for the thunderstorm

that burned my house down when i was ten-

in this summer heat i have

forgotten what it is like

not to be burning