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earthtourist · 5 months

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Am I a shadow musician? ✹ How music keeps me going.

Am I living thru the lives of my audio engineer partner, friends, and the music I listen to? Because I’m not an active musician, I’ve never taken the time to reflect on my musical journey. But sheesh, it’s been there all this time and is here to stay. And more than ever, I’ve been having a calling to make music. But before I dive into that, let’s pay tribute to everything that’s led to where I musically am so far. (As a pretext, you’ll see me mentioning different places. I have attended 11 different schools, moved 12 times and lived in 8 cities across the US.)

Although my parents aren’t the most musically aware (their taste in music is strictly The Beatles, Elvis, and Filipino serenades)- I always had an affinity towards music. I recall my parents getting me my first keyboard. Then eventually heavy-weighted piano which still sits in my living room today. The piano lessons which I honestly despised because my young wild mind couldn’t sit still. Nonetheless, I never failed at performing for my relatives at family parties. And we never failed at singing cheesy Filipino renditions of f pop songs on Magic Mike. Because my family was extremely poor and didn’t like me listening to “trashy radio music”, the only CDs I had at the time were Gorillaz - Demon Days and The Black Eyed Peas - Monkey Business. Luckily, now-that-I-think-about-it, I had the gift of being part of the golden Limewire/pirating era. Literally remember being 10 years old (2006), downloading London Bridge By Fergie. Damn did we all destroy our parents’ computers, but at least we had all of the .FLAC files to our hearts’ content.

Middle school was when I first entered a formal musical setting. In 7th grade, I learned an embarrassingly masculine instrument. A more mellow and melodic low brass instrument, the baritone/euphonium. But unfortunately resembled a tuba. I absolutely loved band. I was pretty bullied when I first moved to Florida in 6th grade. So the movement I got away from my racist enemies, I found my hobby and went all in. Immediately signed up for Jazz Band as a keyboardist and insisted on proving myself. By 8th grade, I had a sort of an identity crisis and embraced my scene/emo kid side- but never let go of the band nerd inside. I became first chair in advanced band then switched to trombone, where I got to learn how to improve on stage. My parents weren’t the most pleased and never went to my concerts. This continued throughout high school, and eventually had the same response to my art career. But that’s a story for another. Although they weren’t the most thrilled- they still did the minimal support to at least keep me happy. Admittedly, my musical taste was pretty trash! A weird mixture of metal artists (Fall Out Boy, Paramore, The Devil Wears Prada, Lamb of God), ska (I LOVED Big D and the Kids Tables), and pop (Regina Spektor, Bjork - these two artists I give total credit to Allison). Aside from getting separated from my family at a Backstreet Boys concert when I was 7 years old- I have insane early memories from Warped tour. I’m having trouble remembering the band. But it was the middle of the Florida summer, with me heat-wave disoriented standing in the middle of the pit. The singer announces something intelligible. The crowd splits and at the count of 3, 2, 1- I realized that I too, am suddenly rushing towards the center. I immediately am shoved to the ground as piles of skinny men fall onto me. With nothing but my scrawny arm left- I reach upwards. Low and behold it’s my tuba playing classmate Charles, who helps me up.

In high school, the music department of VHS became my refuge. Students at my middle school were split between the beachside and inland school. I bid farewell to Kristen, Isabella, Alyssa, Lauren, and Alec. Although entering high school was always awkward, the band room became a place where I truly became myself. Learned to be loud, talkative, creative, competitive- and thrive around other people with the same passions. I had such a powerful friend group. Michelle, Lauren, Taylor, Kara, Jacob, Joseph, Allison, etc. But also honestly, every member of the music department was so endearing, sweet and creative. I found my place and became obsessed. All of my elective courses were taken up by Chamber Winds, Jazz Band, Marching Band, and Wind Ensemble. This might not sound much to you, but all of this involves going to school in the summer, before school starts, and after.

We had the best community an insecure but creative kid would ever want. What really helped is that I had these really extremely passionate band directors, Nick Egan and Wayne Bressette. Mr. Egan would have these huge emotional fits when we wouldn’t march the right way. Or if a section blatantly didn’t practice. But at the same time, we all loved him. He was incredibly encouraging and knew how talented we were. We later discovered it was because he was having huge family problems at the time. My life was still troubled at the time. But he always pushed me to try for All-State/County. Motivated me to go to the closest and most magical thing I ever experienced to Hogwarts, band camp at FSU. He even had me audition to become section leader after he found out I was moving. Maybe it’s because he was used to be a euphonium teacher too. But wow- thank you.

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All of this probably has to do with the fact that that the South takes football seriously. And sequentially, marching bands were epic. And I mean fucking epic. We were the little nerds that helped fill the stadiums and work up the crowed. We practiced for weeks during the summer Florida heat waves. Spent our Friday nights at football games in the rain. Getting high off the bus chants and sweaty fumes. We recording every show and marching rehearsal. I remember one hood-ass band performed these hip-hop trap bangers that riled up the whole field. I’ll never forget those sober and energetic nights.

After moving to Massachusetts, although I attended band for my sophomore year, I chose not to continue the following. The Southern passion unfortunately wasn’t found there. Don’t get me wrong, there were some talented musicians. But god we sucked. There was only one level. Even though I was the top trombonist, I was forced to be 2nd because the older students had seniority. No jazz band. Marching band was still a thing I guess, and we had these town parade where band moms kept an eye of who was about to pass out from the sun. I remember when a flag twirler permanently knocked my front tooth into its now-half-crooked angle. My highlight from the Acton-Boxborough band was the DC trip for the cherry blossom parade. It’s not their fault. It is honestly just because New England schools care more about education than football and band…

The biggest blessing from being at ABHS is that’s how I found my friend group. Kris Roman was a saxophonist whom I knew was in my grade but also in band. But one day in my English class I noticed Kris wearing a light blue band shirt I also had! It was some random ska band (Maybe Less than Jake, Might Might Bossstones, Street Light Manifesto, or Big D & the Kids Table) which was freaking random. Eventually, he put up a flyer that he was having a ska show, which sparked my curiosity. At some point, he had Kevin, the singer DM on Facebook and was eventually added to the friend group. Little did I know, they had dubbed me as trombone girl. They invited me to band practice one day, and then suddenly I was in Mad Frolick. I played maybe 3 shows total and fucking loved it. Eventually, band practice turned into just smoking weed and drinking. I officially no longer attended band class. We got more into listening and enjoying than performing. Except for Kris who got into Berklee! Our whole crew was really into music, but me, Kris, and Colin were really into deep cuts. For example, I honestly wasn’t super into hip hop until Colin showed me the The Beatles X Wu Tang compilation. But I remember then getting really into witch house, trap, trip-hop. That was an epic music phase that paved the way for entering my first cultural experience and city: Boston.

Boston. Oh Boston. This will honestly need to be detailed for another day. But simply put. Having never lived in a city, and entering as a rebellious music nerd was wild. And taste-wise, I learned an immense amount about punk, EDM, deep house, and alternative hip hip. Now that I think about it, this is the first time I’ve ever revisited my time in Massachusetts. I’ve been extremely avoidant of the topic due to how painful the memories are. To the point that I forgot about all the other wonderful memories in between.

Skipping thru Boston, I made it back to my home state of California. But this time, in Santa Barbara, I landed in LA. My time spent in Santa Barbara didn’t go as planned. What started as an optimistic move to begin a new life, ended with another cool set of friends which I called “the tribe”. Ultimately, fled after one year due to a lost sense of self due to partying. It was a fun and frantic blur to say the least. But an eye-opening one that pushed my limits. Who knew that such a beautiful place could hold so much chaos. Those Santa Barbarians. My musical obsession took a bit of a turn there. Where I was forced to play music for a more skater turn-up type of crowd. Learned my bit about sad boy $uicideboys, hyphy Mac Dre, some electronic, and hmmm. Yup, that’s about it! Definitely didn’t spend as much time researching music, but hey- at least it was a good time.

After nearly dying in Santa Barbara, I finally convinced my parents that I wasn’t going to major in anything they wanted. Moved further down the coast, and ended up becoming a graphic designer in in the music industry of Los Angeles. (To this day, my dad still asks if I’m interested in going back to school for coding. But I still love him~). Finally living my dream, I initially lived alone- which allowed me much more freedom for my audiophile tendencies. There was a great deal of healing involved. What seemed to really help with keeping was indulging in the world of new music. As new chapters and events in my life happened, I tended to need a new genre to ease into the transitions. My musical phases ranged from dream psych, post punk, cold wave, electro pop, hyperpop, folktronica, UK garage, all things indie, french house, philly shoegaze, world folk, etc etc. I give huge credit to Spotify's radio, similar artists, and "create similar playlist feature". I experienced the horrors of working as an assistant at a music PR firm. Not that the job was bad, it was more of the revealing truths of working in the music industry. It’s a low-paying, unappreciated, but self-fulfilling sector. Learned how hard and what it takes to become a successful musician. I’ve made incredible friendships within the Berklee alumni. Then started a business with my incredibly talented audio-engineering boyfriend. Someone who I utterly adore and, best of all, shares nearly the same exact music taste- it’s unreal. So here, in the present day, I can’t believe I had a whole narrative to write about my musical journey. It was awesome framing things thru the lens of music. I often find myself wondering what my life would’ve been like I actually pursued my love of music. But the reality is- I always have. Music, annoyingly clichely put, has been my anchor all this time. And will probably continue to be my beam of light in the now and in the future.

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