#she just bought a house and I don’t have any bills so like

[foreos]

the bad kids rated by how much they would like sonic the hedgehog

a sequel to my hatchetfield version

- riz gukgak: 1/10 i don’t think riz even touches video games. i can’t imagine riz having any strong media interests because his life is so busy all the time so i doubt he would think about sonic the hedgehog at all. if he ever played a sonic game though i think he’d be like unnaturally good at it because he’s got great reaction times and it’s not hard for him to intuit what the best routes are. he’d probably only play in like a social situation though.

- kristen applebees: 10/10 kristen grew up playing sonic games with her brothers and she likes them. sonic is very very good for adhd brains and i think she likes running around really really fast. fucking AWFUL at the games though she has a dexterity score of four. she has never passed a quicktime prompt in her life but that does not stop her from booting up the games and playing the first three or so levels. doesn’t really engage with the media past the games but that’s just because if she had a comic book she’d lose it and while she watched some of the cartoons as a kid, it’s been a long time. probably hasn’t played in years.

- adaine abernant: 10/10 she did not know what sonic was until freshman year and at first she did not see the appeal. she’s never been allowed plain and stupid fun in her entire life and when confronted with it she’s just like…why? but i think as time passes i could actually see adaine really fucking enjoying it if she decided to suspend her disbelief and embrace it. i think in another timeline adaine is much geekier but much like the other bad kids she currently does not have time for that. there’s an alternate universe where adaine is a comic book nerd with sonic opinions but i don’t think any of us are ready for that. there’s probably other franchises she would possibly like better but i think she could get really into it.

- gorgug thistlespring: 0/10 video games frustrate him. his fingers are too big for the buttons and sonic moves way too fast. like kristen he cannot get past the first few levels and so he and sonic don’t really see eye to eye. he wouldn’t say he hates the guy or has anything against the franchise but he would probably rather do, like, anything else.

- fig faeth: 10000/10 i think fig would like it. while it does not match her aesthetic i think she definitely grew up with sonic games as a kid and is pretty good at them. definitely had to beat video game levels for gilear growing up. as i said earlier with kristen, sonic is very good for adhd brain and i think she likes to build as much speed as she can, plus sonic music is fucking dope and i think fig is a fan of stupid fun. sometimes fig finds herself wishing that he would go even faster, though.

- fabian seacaster: -100000/10 he’s scared of rodents and obsessed with being cool fabian does not like sonic. yes, i know sonic is not a rodent but like. fabian does not care that is a walking talking blue rat with one weird eyeball that has two pupils and he is wearing NO clothes. plus, sonic is considered deeply lame by the general public, especially high schoolers, so fabian would not be caught dead in even the same room where sonic-related activities are occurring. fabian goes out of his way to avoid any and all sonic media, which is a shame because as a kid bill seacaster impulsively bought Every Video Game so there’s probably a completed sonic collection somewhere in fabian’s house. like i think fabian owns sonic chronicles and tails’s sky patrol and sonic labyrinth and he has no idea. in another life fabian is a shadow fan.

BONUS:

- ragh barkrock: 1/10, like gorgug and riz he’s just not really a video game guy.

- ayda aguefort: 1000000000/10 she would fucking love it. she would love it so so so much. much like adaine i think ayda would be extremely geeky in another, less stressful life and i think if fig introduced her to it she would be all fucking in. comics tv shows video games, all of it. i think ayda would eat that shit up.

- cassandra: 10/10 blaze reminds her of kalina and she thinks it’s fun and i am desperate for cassandra to have fun.

- aelwyn: 0/10 absolutely not. she agrees with fabian that sonic is creepy and should wear clothes. she tries not to think about it, ever.

[hairenya]

One of my colleagues and I are fighting (because she’s a bitch) and she framed it as wanting to be concerned with my teaching abilities which is hilarious because the student body absolutely adores me and hates her. Like motherfucker I am the Princess Diana of this middle school I will end your entire existence do not fuck with me.

[realtalkswithfinn]

Christmas at the Compound

Avengers x reader

Summary: Avengers x reader Christmas head cannons because I am a sucker for the found family trope.

a/n: I tried to get this up before christmas but totally spaced it, so… tale it as a christmas morning gift! I tried to make it as age neutral as possible, so it could totally be teen!reader or not.

The holidays are a tough time for the Avengers.

Most of them have lost family members or friends, and the idea of celebrating anything is extremely difficult.

Tony especially - he always gets gloomy around the Holidays.

He always says something along the lines of, "I don't actually care about this, but its social convention."

But secretly he cares a lot.

He overcompensates for his lack of affection throughout the year by buying everyone the expensive gifts he knows they want but could never justify spending on themselves.

At surface level, it just seems like “oh rich guy is spending rich guy money”

But they’re actually really thoughtful gifts

Like last year, he got Peter a new laptop for school.

He bought Bucky new and thick clothes since all of his were old and worn.

He upgraded Clints cellular data so he could talk to his family anywhere.

Things like that.

Sam and Rhodey take one for the team and string the christmas lights on the tower

“It’s too cold for this.” Sam would complain, the sharp wind nipping at his cheeks as he flew from one end of the building to the other, lights in tow.

“Come one man, where’s your christmas spirit?” Rhodey would laugh

“I’m just doing this so stark’s power bill goes up.”

it really was worth it seeing the tower lit up top to bottom though

Wanda LIVES for commercialized American Christmas

"We have to make gingerbread houses and go to Rockefeller to see the Christmas tree and we have to go out to the snow and go sledding-"

She demands family Christmas photos be taken, even though you don't really have anyone to send them to.

This years theme was christmas pjs

Which lead to a few very interesting viral videos of the avengers in an Old Navy

“Tony come on the reindeer ones are cute!”

“Bruce. A man can not hold onto his masculinity while wearing pjs with dancing reindeer.”

Natasha gets tired of the bellyaching and bickering and makes the final decision

She grabs everyone’s size in the Reindeer pjs and marches to the front of the store

After snagging Tony’s credit card, of course.

Actually taking the picture is a whole other ball game, but that’s a story for another day

Thor has a hard time with the idea of Santa

You try to explain it to him, but it doesn’t seem to help

“So a fat man breaks into the safety of your home late into the night… and you let it happen because he comes baring gifts?”

“Well… yeah.”

“But only to nice children. That he stalks throughout the year.”

“He doesn’t stalk the children he just…”

“Hm.” He squints. “what about the naughty children?”

“They don’t get any presents.”

“OR,” Wanda interjects, “Krampus comes to get them.”

“Is that another fat man in a red disguise?”

“No. He’s a demon sent from hell to eat them.”

Thor nods in approval. “Ah. That’s much more asgardian. A fair reward system for the youth!”

You stare at him. “So… you’re okay with Krampus but not Santa?”

“Well I think they work together well, like a team. Like us!”

“I… I guess…”

Decorating the tree was an all night event

You would help happy bring up what felt like hundreds of boxes of christmas decorations

The tree itself was about 15 feet tall, because it wouldn’t be a holiday at the compound if you guys weren’t extra

It was placed in the living space, right next to a huge wall of windows so all of New York could see your festivity

it had to be decorated to the nines to pass Wanda’s inspection

Not a bare branch

Theres tinsel, ribbons, colorful lights, and hundreds of ornaments

But of course, ladders were a no go

You guys liked a challenge

To reach the higher branches, you and Natasha would stand on Steve and Buckys shoulders

And I mean stand

Not sit

It was a thrilling balancing game

You trusted them to catch you if you fell, but you still had to try to avoid it at all costs to save the tree from certain destruction

Peter would dangle from the ceiling, crawling around to hang ornaments toward the very top

Both of these acts nearly gave Bruce and Vision a heart attack

“CAP, you’re moving to fast shes gunna lose balance-“

“Bruce, please take a breath.”

Meanwhile Thor is getting distracted by all the ornaments and forgetting to actually hang them up

“This one’s a little man of snow! How silly!”

Speaking of ornaments

You all have an ornament of yourself on the tree

Or, your super hero alias at least

There’s a tiny black widow, a little iron man, a bity baby hulk, so on and so forth

Tony always demands his be the highest up on the tree to fuel his god complex

Drawing names out of a hat to see who got to put the star on top of the tree

(except you guys would always rig it behind Wanda’s back, only putting her name in the hat)

She would always protest, insisting to let someone else do it this year, but you guys never relented

So with a big cheesy grin on her face, she would use her magic to delicately place the star on the tippy top

You would think Natasha wouldn’t want to see the Nutcracker Ballet after her time in the red room

But it makes her so happy to see dancing as an art form instead of a way to brainwash young girls

She drags you, Clint, Wanda, and whoever else wants to tag along every year

She even splurges on front row seats

You look over and see her eyes glittering while she watches every turn, leap, and stunt intently

Leaving the theater, she’ll walk on her toes and do a few turns, encouraging you to try as well.

She ends up cackling watching you trip and stumble

“We’ll work on it.”

Can you IMAGINE the ginger bread making contest???

You’re all huddled around the long dining room table with christmas music playing

Theres Clint and Natasha, who just make the classic gingerbread house, no fancy bells or whistles.

Then there’s Bruce,Tony, and Peter who are going absolutely wild building gingerbread sky scrapers and gingerbread hotels.

“Mr. Stark look, I made a working elevator!”

Bruce puts an electric system (fairy lights) through his

Steve and Bucky rebuild their childhood homes

Wanda is going all out, delicately hand placing every candy and covering the whole thing in edible glitter

Visions is pretty similar, but more sleek and modern than Wanda’s

And then there’s Thor, who’s totally missing the point and just DUMPING everything on top

“Hey Peter, I think yours is missing something.”

You string a long thread of white rope candy from his structure to yours.

“Webs!”

“You know… we can probably make a web-like consistency with some starch and frosting…”

That becomes a whole sticky project, but you eventually get it to work, connecting everyone’s gingerbread houses with icing webs

Steve and Bucky are TOTALLY participating in the classic christmas traditions they grew up on.

They sit quietly together in the living room, making paper chains and stringing popcorn

“Do you mind if I join you guys?”

they smile gently. “Of course not.”

You sit crisscross in front of the couch while they teach you

They tell you stories of christmases long, long ago, which feels kinda silly considering they’re talking like grandpas while not appearing much older than you

On Christmas eve, you’re all there except for Clint, who went home to his family

Youre all dressed in your pajamas from the christmas card

You make hot coco and cider

Wanda pops in some old vhs tapes and you watch the classics late into the night

“Alright you nutcrackers,” tony would say around midnight. “I know you want to stay up and catch Santa, but he’s not coming if you all stay awake.”

he really just wanted to go to bed

He sauntered off, calling for lights out.

Most of the boys wandered away to their rooms, leaving you, Wanda, Nat and Thor not quite ready for sleep.

“So,” you ask, taking a sip of coco, “Do you guys think we’re on the naughty list?”

Natasha Chuckled. “I’m not sure. Does beating people up count as naughty if you’re taking down the bad guys?”

Thor set his mug down on the coffee table, the bells on his sweater jingling. “Do not fear ladies, I will catch that nasty Krampus if he comes in to devour your soul. I believe you were doing the right thing.”

You all laughed, thinking he was joking. But he just stared at you.

“Thor… you realize Krampus and Santa aren’t… real?” Wanda asked.

He had a hard time swallowing that.

He ended up sleeping on the couch “just in case”

you woke up at 3 am to a loud clattering coming from the living room

You decided to check it out against your better judgement

There was Thor. Hammer in one hand, cookie in another.

Down the hall toward the elevator was a completely destroyed life-size nutcracker.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I thought I heard something by the elevator.”

“Congratulations. You murdered the Nutcracker.”

“I feared he was an accomplice of the holiday demon.”

“He’s been there for weeks!”

“He could have been a spy. Or possessed.”

“Goodnight Thor.”

Christmas Morning finally arrived

Everyone was sleeping soundly in their beds

Until Sam decided to be a little shit and wake everyone up at 7 am

He pounded on every. single. bedroom door.

“Y/NNNN. SANTA CAME TO TOWNNNNN.” he sing-songed

“No he didn’t.” You grumbled. “Thor killed him.”

“… I don’t know what that means.”

You all stumble out into the living room

Natasha took the time to actually run a brush through her hair and do her morning skincare

You and wanda were far too excited and skipped over that completely, barely remembering to brush your teeth

Tony looked the roughest - he had a silk robe draped over his pjs and looked like he was just awakened from a coma

Essentially, everyone was a little disheveled

Vision made everyone coffee before you started the gift exchange

You all sat around the coffee table in a circle so everyone could see each other

Bruce and Steve passed out the gifts from under the tree

it took a solid few minutes, there was a MOUNTAIN of presents

You went one at a time opening gifts

Some people think this is awkward, but you felt it was more genuine

this way, everyone can see the gift and the joy on the receivers face

as well as a million “thank you”s

It also gave time for the giver to explain why they chose the gift they did, whether it be something they remembered you said you wanted, something they knew you needed, or even just a simple “this made me think of you”

In the end, you loved all your gifts

And everyone loved what you got for them

But mostly, you were just happy to spend the holiday with your family

[whatsaninterestingplacethisis]

Flower Boy

Imagine

Nico Hischier x Latina!Reader

Synop: y/n a bitter florist, notices the foreign man that always stops by her work once a week.

a/n: Shy Nico + reader who hates love bc she’s never been in love before?

cw: cussing

Being a florist didn’t really require much work, depending on the day you could be held in the back or on dreaded days in the front left to socialize with people.

There are many types of people who buy flowers in person: 1. Spouses who think of their significant other 2. Spouses who forgot a special date for the significant other 3. Birthdays or house warming gifts etc.

Depending on who came into the small shop, it set the mood for the small talk. Spouses who were stressing about a forgotten anniversary kept silent. Spouses who bought a bouquet of roses wouldn’t stop talking about their ‘honey bun’.

The silence was always preferred over the “my girlfriend this” or “my boyfriend that”. Nobody asked, just take the goddamn flowers to your ‘sweetie pie’.

Lord knew you weren’t getting any flowers from anyone else. Probably the reason why you were so bitter. Either way, the rare chance you were gifted flowers, those babies would die within a week.

Ironic, working at a flower shop only to neglect the ones at home. Not that you had any at the moment.

Anywho you knew every time a fine man that walked into that door was most likely taken. Including the brunette with a backwards cap on scanning the sun flowers. He was too handsome to be single you thought.

You were gawking at him until he started to walk up to the counter.

“Hi, I want a sunflower bouquet but I’m not sure what else to add. Could you help me out?” the brown eyed man asked with a friendly smile

“No problem” you replied with a customer service smile. You walked outside the counter and helped the guy with the arrangement.

+

“How does this look?” You turned around with the finished design.

“It looks amazing, I really appreciate the help. I don’t know much about flowers but these look great.”

“That’s why im here to help.” You said with a half ass smile as you hand him the bouquet.

“That will be $32” Flowers were expensive too.

“Thanks again, these are going to make my mom smile.” Well that was different, the bouquet were for his mother and not his girlfriend.

“I hope she will.” You said with a genuine smile this time, a green flag noted for the man who buys his mom flowers.

++

Next week you were in the back, finishing up on bulk orders the shop needed for the following week.

“Hey y/n could you stand in for me a bit I need to take this call, pretty please?” Your coworker Ash who was working the front disrupted your silent shift.

“Sure” the call was probably about their cat, it had some medical issues lately as Ash had rambled on about.

Luckily no one was in the front when you took over and the call wouldn’t have taken too long. But you spoke too soon as the bell rang on the entrance door.

Lo and behold it was the green flag brunette. Instead of looking around he walked straight up to you at the counter.

“Hi” he said

“Hi”

“Did your mom like the bouquet?” You asked

“Huh?” He was almost out of breath when he came in.

“Last week, you were here and bought a sunflower bouquet that I beautifully made.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah she loved it, thanks.” He quickly said, it looked like he was about to break a sweat

“So what can I help you with today?” You offered your services like usual

“Um well I want to- actually I’m in a rush and- can I just buy a single rose? Is that weird?” He stumbled over his words for the most simplest order

“A single rose it is, not weird at all. It won’t take long.” You turned to grab a single plastic sleeve and walked over to grab the best rose out of the bunch and packed it up.

“Your total is $3.” You handed the rose to Mr. Brunette and softly took his three one dollar bills.

“Thanks…y/n.” He said your name to your surprise

“Uh no problem.” You forget you’re wearing a name tag considering no customer calls you by your name.

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else but just turned and took big strides out the door.

++

Next week was organizing the newly ordered flowers on the ground floor. Luckily they came in time before the downpour started. If it was raining it meant less customers were going to show, which of course you didn’t mind.

You were organizing the tulips when the hanging door bell chimed, making you turn to look at the drenched brunette who has always made an appearance every week.

“Hi” you said across the shop in confusion as to why he would walk in the rain to buy overpriced flowers.

“Hi” he tried to air dry his hair with his hands as if he were a golden retriever

“Do you need a towel or something?” You asked as you moved to the back to get one.

“That would be great.” He stood there awkwardly

You handed him a small towel, “Thanks”

“So did the rain inspire you to buy flowers today or?” You joke about his wet shirt and damp hair state

Fortunately, he laughs along. “No, it just surprised me as I walked here.”

“Well then, what can I get you today… I hope it’s not weird to ask for your name considering this is third time I’ve seen you here.”

“Not weird at all, it’s Nico. Honestly any small flower arrangement is fine today, whatever you think looks good.”

“Alright, Nico, I’ll see what I got. Is this for your mom again?” You never initiated small talk with customers but Nico was becoming a regular and you wanted to know if he was single or not.

“No” he laughed “it’s for a girl.” Thunder hit outside as the sound of your dreams being crushed.

“Oh that’s sweet.” Small talk was over now on your behalf. But the arrangement was going to be pretty either way.

+

By the time you exchanged the money for the flowers it was still raining outside, too hard for anyone to be walking without an umbrella.

“The rain hasn’t slowed down at all, I think there’s an umbrella I can lend you. It’s in the back just give me a sec.”

“It’s okay really, I don’t mind some rain.”

“It’s no problem.” You went in the back to find said umbrella

“I found it, it’s a bit dusty though-“ but Nico was gone and you were left alone with the flowers.

++

“So did you ask her- Dude why are drenched? You’re making a mess on my floor.” Jack said to Nico who was out of breath.

“It’s raining.”

“Obviously. So did you ask her for her number?” Jack asks his friend who had been pining over the flower girl, as Jack puts its, for weeks now.

“No. I chickened out last minute.”

“More like again. I mean c’mon I still have the rose from last time. What excuse did you say this time?”

“I said these were for a girl.” Nico motioned the fragile and ruined bouquet from the rain and running.

“Oh my god you’re an idiot. She totally thinks you have a girlfriend now.”

“Well I panicked! If I show up one more time she’ll think I’m a weirdo.”

“Maybe go again later today, when the rain is gone, and ask her out officially.”

“What if she thinks I’m a stalker or something?”

“She wouldn’t be that wrong to be honest.”

“Not helpful.”

“Neither is the rainwater on my wooden floors. Clean up before you go and see her.”

++

Nico leaving you without a goodbye was weird to say the least and rude. He literally vanished into thin air. Soon after he left the sky was clearing up and turning blue again.

An hour passed by and you were done restocking the flowers and ready to take a needed break. Since you were the only one there, you flipped the closed sign with the clock on it to read ‘will return at 2:20pm’ and locked the door. You decided to watch The Crown in the back room while eating your favorite snack. Although, half way into your break you hear fast and loud knocking.

“What the hell man, I swear some people cannot read.” You complained to yourself and went out to see Nico again but this time locked outside the shop.

You unlocked the glass door and opened it ajar for the guy, “hi” you say in a questioning tone.

“Did the flowers get ruined by the rain? Because I did have an umbrella for you, but you kind of just disappeared right after.” Nico was trying so hard to control his fast breathing, but you noticed. He just kept silent trying to hold in his breath.

“Are you okay? Did you run down here? Or is someone chasing you?” You peered outside the door to see anyone that could be possibly chasing him but no one was out of sorts.

“Can I come in?” he finally says something

You side eyed the closed sign and looked at your watch, there was a little over five minutes left of your break, but whatever right?

“Anything for my favorite customer” you stepped aside to let him in before closing the door again.

“So be honest with me, the flowers are ruined right?” You asked knowing you were 90% right.

“Yeah, sorry, they are.”

“To be expected. Well I can make you the same ones, not free though, I did advise you to take the umbrella.” You didn’t want to sound mean but you were right and Nico knew that.

“Actually, can I get one that you would like, if someone gave you flowers?” This was not a shocking request considering other boyfriends that come in ask the same thing because they don’t know what their girlfriends like.

“No problem.” You always had the same bouquet in mind for this request, very simple and easy to care of, but a sight to see nonetheless.

+

“Here you go, don’t ruin these ones now.” You joke, hoping it would land and it did with Nico’s smile as proof.

“Hopefully your girlfriend likes them.” You say flatly before turning to clean up the scraps of the arrangement.

“Actually” he whisper yells before you turn around completely. He passes the flowers back to you, with a note of his own with his number on it.

You looked down at the flowers and catch the note, “I thought you had a girlfriend” you asked looking at the man across from you.

“No, I don’t I gave the rose to my friend, he still has it.”

“Oh…?” You say in confusion on what he was trying to say.

“Oh we’re not- he’s just a friend- I’m- this is my way of asking you out and I’m doing a horrible job, sorry”

“So the first sunflower bouquet wasn’t for your mom?” You were totally confused.

“No those were actually for my mom. The rose, wasn’t for anyone, I just wanted to see you again. Sorry if that’s weird.”

“And today’s flowers?”

“Another excuse to see you again.”

You started to smile and almost laughed at his stumbling of words “I see”

“I was supposed to ask you out earlier today but I backed out and now I’m here again.” He says with a nervous smile patiently waiting for your response.

“Thanks Nico, you’ll get your answer when I get back home.” You slyly say before placing the flowers in a vase of water.

“Okay, have a nice day.” He said with zero confidence as he walked out the shop thinking he completely screwed up.

++

You got home later and set the flowers on your counter, taking the hand written note with you to your couch.

Flower boy (nico)

Hey flower boy, I think I have your answer. Also I think it’s really sweet to give your friend flowers!

[paperweight91]

Reader bought weed with counterfeit money(intentional?) Now they have to work something out with this guy:

Ouuuu….okay this is different!

You stared at your hands as you twisted them in your lap. You had been walking home after leaving your dealers house, when suddenly you had been jumped. Several strong tall men had grabbed you and pulled you into a black van.

The next thing you knew you were being dragged into a basement and told to “Sit, and wait.” Like a dog. It was humiliating. Your mind wandered as sat. Who had done this? More importantly, why were they doing this?

Sooner than you expected, a man larger than the rest entered the room. He has his arms crossed across his chest making his shirt strain against his muscles. In any other situation, you would have been drooling over this man. But now, today? You were trying your best to blend in with the chair you sat on. This man you knew, it was your dealer Ari Levinson.

His gaze was focused on you so intently that you felt like he was looking through you. He licked his teeth as he surveyed your shrinking form. “So sweetheart, you wanna tell me what this is?” He asked as he threw a stack of bills on the floor.

You hesitated. You were pretty sure you knew what it was, but you were also sure the wrong answer could get you killed.

“No answer?” He smirked as he stalked around the chair you sat in holding a bill closer to your face. The counterfeits you’d been using. “How does a sweet little thing like you wind up with a stack like this?”

You were sweating now. And clutching your hands together to stop the shaking.

“You know the first time I thought, ‘this poor girl. She’s been duped by some asshole.’ But that’s not true is it sweetheart?” He finished his circle and stood in front of you. He reached out and tilted your face up to look him in the eye with a single finger under your chin. You closed your eyes not wanting to meet his. Knowing that he already knew the truth of what you had been doing.

He tsked at you and gripped your chin between his forefinger and thumb in a grip strong enough to bruise. “C’mon Sweetheart, you could at least have the decency to look at me when you lie to me.”

You sobbed as you peeled open your eyes. This was it, nowhere to run and no way to hide. “I’m sorry.” Another sob ripped through your chest. “I wasn’t trying to scam you I promise.” You felt your whole body shake as Ari squatted down in front of you. He was now eye level with you and the look he gave you made you feel so small.

“Then why have you been paying me in counterfeits?” It was a simple question. One you should have been able to easily answer. But every time you opened your mouth, the words kept dying before they could leave. You were sure you looked like a fish out of water gasping for breath with the way your mouth kept opening and closing.

“You don’t wanna talk Sweetheart? That’s too bad.” He let go of your face and rose to his full height. “Maybe if you could have told me the truth, we could have worked out an arrangement, but as it is…” He trailed off and surveyed the other men in the room.

Now that you got another look at them you recognized them. They were all part of the same friend group, all dealers: Curtis, Steve, Ari and Ransom. You had bought off all of them at some point or another. You had used your counterfeits with all of them.

A thrill of terror ran down your spine as you realized that these men were here for answers, and revenge. “I had to make the bills.” You squeaked out. All eyes snapped to you in an instant.

“What was that? You had to make them, why?” Ari’s question had turned to concern. The other men still hadn’t spoken just watching you.

“My family, we don’t have anything and my work barely pays enough to keep the rent paid let alone anything else. I normally save the counterfeits for places I don’t have to go back to in case I get caught with them. But they must have got mixed in. I’m really sorry. I swear I never meant to pay any of you with them. I just needed a release from the stress.” By the end of your rant, you were sobbing harder than you had earlier. “I’ll do anything to make it up to you all, I swear. Whatever you need! I’m a quick learner! I-I can help out in so many ways I promise.”

Ari’s face spread into a wide grin. “Look at this boys, she’s so eager to please. I think we can come to an agreement Sweetheart. Something that will keep us all satisfied.”

You heard the low chuckles of the other men in the room. Not quite understanding what was so funny. But the prospect of clearing out your debt to these men was something too good to turn down. “Really? You mean it?” You were looking up at him with your eyes wide and a pout still on your lips.

Ari came towards you again this time stroking your hair with his hands in a soothing motion, “I do Sweetheart, and the best part is, once you’ve paid off your debt, you can quit that pay nothing job of yours and we’ll pay you enough to take care of the whole family.”

This was too good to be true. There was no way they were offering you a job after you had unintentionally scammed them. There had to be a catch. “What is it that you all need me to do?” You were still terrified, but as Ari stroked your hair you began to calm.

You heard Ransom snicker behind you. Clearly they were all in the know, it was just you who couldn’t figure out what was going on. “Ever heard of the term ‘free-use’?”

You scrunched your nose as you looked up at Ari and took in Ransom’s crass words. Ari smirked as he looked down at you. “Tonight all you’ll have to do is open up and say ‘awe’ for me Sweetheart. After that, we call you’re there, however we want you.”

You trembled and looked around at the men. It’s not that they were bad looking. On the contrary they were the best looking men you had ever seen. But this is not how you envisioned earning money, ever. On the other hand, you knew if you refused, the likelihood was you weren’t making it back home. You drew your eyes up Ari’s broad frame until you finally met his, before anyone else could say another word, you dropped from the chair and let your jaw fall open.

Ari groaned as he rushed to reach for the button and fly of his jeans, palming himself through his boxers. “I knew you were a good girl.” He murmured before pulling his cock free and popping the head into your waiting mouth. You brought your hands up to his thighs, not to stop him, but for something to hold on to. He twisted your hair in his grip and began to roughly fuck your face. You relaxed your jaw and clenched your fists in his jeans as your eyes began to water. Ari groaned again as he slid into your throat, holding himself there as your tears flowed freely.

“Ugh you feel like a dream Sweetheart, can’t wait to feel that pussy.” Ari’s pace picked up and you could tell he was getting close. It would be over soon and you could go home. Your hands fell from his thighs as he became ruthless with his pace, drawing closer and closer to his own orgasm. Suddenly he pulled you flush to his pelvis and you felt his cum burst from his cock. You choked and spluttered as he pulled his softening dick from your mouth.

“Alright boys,” Ari said as he tucked himself back in and adjusted his shirt. “Who’s next?”

This….turned into a whole thing…and I’m not mad at it! I hope you enjoy!

[astrhoeluvr]

Astrhoe observations Pt.2 🫂🥰🫶🏻

(thank you all for all the love on my previous post🥺)

Back to 👉🏻 my materialist 👁️🫦👁️.

a lil disclaimer : these are just my personal observations, so don’t take any of them to heart🥳.Some could be applicable to you and some would differ, so take all of them with a grain of salt OKIE! enough of me blabbing let’s get on with it🫶🏻🥰

🥵: Saturnian doms 🤝🏻 milfs/dilfs (y’all age like FINE WINE 🍷 💅🏻✨)

🤨💻: Aquarius moons are literally SO GOOD WITH TECHNOLOGY. My brother has this placement and I literally run 🏃🏻‍♀️ to him when I need to get something fixed.

🌕👀: OKAY BUT LIKE CANCER PLACEMENTS ARE LITERALLY SO FUNNY. Like why is this not talked about more often???? Y’all literally have me rolling on the floor 🥲🥲😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨.

💃🔥: I’ve noticed many famous dancers with Venus- Mars aspects. Like y’all are so smooth with your moves. LITERALLY BREATHTAKING. Y’all are the embodiment of “SHE’S AN ICON, SHE’s a LEGEND AND SHE IS THE MOMENT”💅🏻🥵. (If you need a dance partner, I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE 😳👀)

💸💰: having any planet at 2° could indicate a lot of success wealth and fame (esp if your Uranus/Jupiter is at 2°) Y’ALL ARE GONNA MAKE IT BIG🔥😮‍💨. I think Bill Gates has his Uranus at 2° too😳😳👀.

🗣️💪🏻: pluto-mercury aspects are such powerful aspects. Your words hold SO much power. But ofc you must be cautious with what you say because you have so much influence over people that y’all can convince people to do anything and I mean ANYTHING (even negative and questionable things🤨) just by communicating.

☀️🤣: sun conjunct Jupiter will literally laugh at ANYTHING.😭 like y’all could see someone just walking and y’all would be like “🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣”. HMM LIKE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT WAS FUNNY IN THAT?🎤🤨😭But y’all are genuinely so FUN to be around. Your laugh is literally so contagious.😮‍💨🫶🏻

🔥🌊: water and fire placement culture is listening to sad music when they’re already sad, just to make themselves cry🤡🤡😭.

💭👀: cancer mercury’s HAVE SUCH A GOOD MEMORY. They’d literally be like “oh yeah I remember the coffee order you bought the last time we met which was approximately a year ago and I got it for you, hope the order is correct haha 🥰. It was a Grande Carmel Macchiato in a venti cup, 1/3 whole milk,1/3 soy milk, double the amount of vanilla syrup, caramel wall in the cup, whipped cream, rounded lid, 1 shot espresso (decaf) and cinnamon sprinkled on top right?” And you’d be standing there like huh😦😀🧍🏻‍♀️.

🍀🧿: Jupiter in the 12th house/ Jupiter in Pisces and even Jupiter trine Neptune are DIVINELY PROTECTED. The luck they have is incredible.

Okay that’s all for today luvs🥰🫶🏻

(Please do not plagiarise or copy any of my work <33)

- san✨🍵🪴📖🧘🏻‍♀️

[atlafan]

1963 - Part 1

a/n: I have been dying to share this with yall and I'm so excited to finally be doing that. As per usual, this is the only part that will be posted here on Tumblr.All other parts will be posted on Patreon. In fact, Part 2 is already up! And Part 3 will be posted Friday.

Please consider joining my Patreon. It's only $5 a month, and it charges you the following month on the date you joined. So, if you signed up today, you wouldn't get charged again until January 10th. I post 2-4 times per month. If anything is under 10K words, that's usually when I'll post more. I depend on this extra income to help pay bills for essentials. The community there is also incredible and I write and post some of my nastiest smut on there, so if that's what you're looking for, you'll get it!

Warnings: mentions of infertility

Words: 3.8K

Patreon I Patreon Masterlist I Tumblr Masterlist I Ask

“Every month I keep hoping I’ll have different news for you two,” Doctor Simmons sighed, “unfortunately, I have the same news. Beverly still isn’t with child.”

“We’ve been trying for five months, we’ve been doing everything you’ve said. Beverly drinks the teas, she lays with her legs up after we’re done, I don’t know what else we can do.” Robert was exasperated at this point. He was squeezing his wife’s hand, desperately trying not to let any tears escape his eye ducts.

“You two have exhausted all natural remedies, so I think it’s time we consider IVF.”

Beverly’s eyes widened, and she squeezed Robert’s hand back. She looked at him, panicked.

“Beverly is terribly afraid of needles.”

“You don’t need to decide on anything right now. Take these pamphlets and look over the information. If you two want to have a baby of your own, then this may be the next step.”

“We’ll look it over and have an answer by our next appointment.”

Robert and Beverly are silent on the drive home from the doctor’s office. They’re silent on their way back into their home. Beverly goes right to the kitchen to get started on dinner. Robert comes up next to her and puts her hand over hers.

“We should read the literature on IVF.” He said.

“I have friends who have done it, and all it has done is make their hormones crazy, and not in a fun way. I really don’t want to, Robert. I’ve done everything else, please don’t make me do this.”

“It feels like sometimes I’m the only one who wants to have a baby.”

“How could you say something like that to me? If I’m infertile-“

“You’re not, though. Doctor Simmons has run every type of blood test on you.”

“I know, I was there when the nurse was drawing it after you accused me of secretly taking birth control pills.”

“Well, with how apprehensive you were about having your diaphragm removed, I had to make sure you weren’t doing any self-sabotage.”

“Maybe I’m not getting pregnant because my body knows you don’t trust me.”

“I do trust you, you just weren’t exactly thrilled to start trying.”

“You sprung it on me, I was surprised. We never really discussed having kids before we got married.”

“Sweetheart, why would two people get married if not to have kids?” He chuckled.

“That’s not why I married you. I married you because I love you and I want to be with you.”

“I love you and want to be with you too. But if I hadn’t wanted kids, we could have just shacked up in an apartment in the city. I bought us a house in the suburbs so you could keep house and raise our kids. You like being a housewife, you’ve told me as much.”

“I do. I like making your meals and keeping things tidy, but I also like my free time. I like to go have brunch with the other ladies, and I like going to the library to check out new film analysis journals, and I like being able to go to the movies in the middle of the day. Having a baby means I can’t do those things anymore. At least, not until it’s old enough to go to school. That’s five solid years I’d be putting on hold. And within that five years, I could have at least two more kids. So, now I’m thirty-one with three kids under the age of five, and oh yeah, I’ll still be expected to keep the house clean and cook all your meals and pleasure you even though everything between my legs will feel like sandpaper.”

Robert eyes his wife, then puckers his lips in thought. “Is that how you’ve really been feeling? You haven’t said a word.”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you. You’re not easy to talk to these days. Every time I reach for my clip-belt for my sanitary napkins, I can see you watching with such sadness in your eyes. Motherhood is scary. My friends tell me these horror stories about childbirth. Their husbands barely take a week off from work to be home with them and the baby. So, we’re expected to push these kids out, then get up the next day and get back to our usual routines.”

“Beverly, you’re worried about things women have been doing since the beginning of time. Don’t be such a child. The fear of needles I can understand, but the fear of being a mother makes no sense. I know you and your mother have a strained relationship, but that doesn’t mean history will repeat itself.” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “If we’re not pregnant by our next appointment with Doctor Simmons, then I would like us to start IVF. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Good.” He looked at the ingredients on the counter and grimaced. “I don’t want meatloaf tonight, make something else instead.”

“Yes, dear.”

“I’m gonna go to my office, have a beer, and listen to the ball game. Let me know when dinner is on the table.”

“Yes, dear.”

Robert smiled, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and walked out of the kitchen. Beverly took a deep breath and rummaged through her cabinets to see what else she could possibly whip up for dinner. It needs to be something heavy enough that Robert won’t feel like making love before bed. Beverly doesn’t have it in her to put on a performance tonight.

**

Most people get married to have kids. Beverly married Robert because she loved him. He wanted to take care of her. But when the honeymoon phase ended, and he stopped saying thank you to her for all of the things she did to take care of him, she grew resentful. She never let on about it. Robert didn’t need to know how she really felt. Opening up the way she did the day prior wasn’t normal. Things had been good between them for a long time. Beverly didn’t mind stepping into the role of a stay-at-home wife. She was college educated, but it wasn’t like she’d ever be able to carry a position in the profession of her desire. And since she didn’t want to be a schoolteacher or a nurse, Robert asked her to stay home to tend to the house he had bought for them.

At twenty-three, she really hadn’t minded. They met in college, as so many young couples do, and it was love at first sight. Their courtship was disgustingly romantic, and their wedding was a dream come true. The honeymoon phase was so sickly sweet. Beverly enjoyed making breakfast for Robert before he left for work. She enjoyed sending him on his way. She had the whole day to herself. She’d tend to her various gardens, and she’d make sure the house was clean. She’d meet up with friends for brunch. She did everything a good wife was supposed to do.

At twenty-six, Beverly feels like she’s on autopilot. She can’t help but wonder if the reason why older couples have designated sex nights is because the wives must need the six days in between to psych themselves up. She also can’t help but wonder if this is why so many older couples opt for twin beds that can be pushed together or pulled apart.

And it’s not that Beverly doesn’t want kids, she thinks it could be fun, but she’s petrified of essentially raising a child by herself. Robert will stroll in from work, bounce the baby on his knee for all of two minutes, and call it a night. She’s scared for all the reasons she tried to explain the day prior. Robert also didn’t give Beverly a choice five months ago…

“I was thinking of maybe enrolling in graduate school.” Beverly brought up one morning over breakfast. Robert had nearly choked on his toast. “I know what you’re thinking, but you wouldn’t have to pay for a thing. They have stipends for students. I could teach while I learn.”

“I thought you didn’t want to teach.”

“I didn’t want to teach children, but something about having high level discussions with college students makes teaching sound like fun. I miss being in school.”

“What’s the point of a graduate degree in film and media? It’s not like you can do anything with it.”

“A graduate degree could lead to a doctorate, and I could keep teaching. I know female professors are few and far between, especially in the world of film, but it is possible.”

“So, you want to be a career woman, is that what you’re saying?”

“Not exactly. Classes wouldn’t take up all my time. I’d still be able to cook and clean and do everything I’m doing now. Except now when I go to the library, I’ll be doing schoolwork instead of reading for leisure.”

“Seems like you have it all figured out already.”

“Well, I wanted to show you I had thought it all through, that I was serious. You got your graduate degree. If you hadn’t, we never would have met.”

“Exactly. What if some older professor comes on to you? You’d have no way to protect yourself.”

“Oh, Robert, I’ve gone this long without something horrible happening to me on a college campus, I think I’d be fine. Besides, all I’d need to do is show off the lovely rings on my finger.” She grinned. “No one would mess with a married woman whose husband can afford a diamond like this.”

“Did you already sign up for a course?”

“Of course not. I wanted to speak with you first.”

“Good.” He finished his breakfast. “Let me think on it.”

“Alright. Anything in particular you want for dinner tonight?”

“Actually, I was thinking we could go out tonight. I wanted to take you somewhere nice.”

“Oh? For what?”

“Does a husband need a reason to treat his wife to a romantic evening?”

“No.” She giggled. “I’m just excited at the prospect of a spontaneous date night. I’ll pick out a dress I haven’t worn in a while, so it feels like new.”

“I think that’s a great idea.” He stood and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll call you before I leave work, so you’ll know when to expect me.”

“Okay, have a good day, dear.”

Beverly was excited. A night out was a positive sign. Robert wouldn’t take her out just to give her bad news. He was going to say yes to her going back to school.

The restaurant Robert took Beverly to was ritzy. He danced with her, ordered an expensive bottle of wine, and kissed on her shoulder and neck while he sat next to her in their booth. That sickly sweet feeling Beverly thought might be gone was sparking again. When the cheesecake came out, they fed each other bites. It was adorable.

“Are you having a good time tonight?” He asked.

“Yes, this has been such a wonderful evening. Thank you for taking me here.”

“You’re welcome, Bev.” He put his hand over hers and gave it a squeeze. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, and our conversation this morning was the kick in the pants I needed, so I’m really glad you brought up graduate school.”

“I’m glad it was a positive conversation.” She smiled. “What’s been on your mind?”

“I think it’s time we started trying for a baby.” All of the color drained from Beverly’s face, but her smile never wavered. She couldn’t let on how disappointed she was. “You’re clearly bored with the amount of free time on your hands. I know school seemed like a fun thing to do to pass the time, but I think we’ve waited long enough. We’ll be married almost four years soon, I think we know what we’re doing in the bedroom by now. So, next week, I’m taking you to the doctor to have your diaphragm removed-“

“You called my doctor about something like that?”

“I know it’s a bit awkward, but it’s not a secret that you have one. I went with you when you got it, I should be with you when you have it taken out.”

“Robert…I don’t like that it feels like you’re not giving me a choice. What if I’m not ready?”

“It’s not that you don’t have a choice, I’m just stating that it’s time. You take care of me just fine, you’ll be a great mother. This is what I would rather you do than go back to school. Besides, think of the fun we’ll have while we’re working at it. I got excited at work today thinking about it. I was hoping tonight could be a test run.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I love you so much, Bev, I wanna turn that love into a physical being.”

“Yeah, um, that makes perfect sense. Let’s…let’s make a baby.”

“Really?” He asked, elated.

“Yes, dear.”

Robert kissed his wife. He kissed her in the car. He kissed her on the way into their home, up the stairs, and into their bedroom. He made love to his wife, then called it a night.

After getting her diaphragm removed, they waited until after her next period was done to start trying. This gave Beverly plenty of time to figure out how she could avoid pregnancy. She needed to keep some semblance of control over her own body. Robert wasn’t going to tell her when she was ready. She could decide that on her own.

Lysol douching didn’t work, she knew this. Her sister told her as much. Some of her friends offered her their birth control pills, but she knew they’d show up on a blood test, which Robert made sure she had after the second month of her still not having gotten pregnant. Beverly may have studied film, but she was an excellent student in biology and chemistry as well. She knew how condoms worked. They were coated in spermicides. She just needed to figure out how to coat her vagina with it. She bought condoms and squeezed all of the lubricant and spermicide off them and got a good amount into a bottle. She mixed it with olive oil, what ancient Greeks used to use, and douched with that before having sex with Robert. She knew it would be a long shot if it worked, but she had to try.

When the third month came along, and she still wasn’t pregnant, she took solace is knowing her little concoction was working. And because Robert never went down on her, he’d never smell or taste a thing. When he used his fingers, he just thought she was extra wet, which made him feel proud of himself.

She was perfectly content with her plans until the topic of IVF came up. Even the harshest of solutions couldn’t stand up to IVF injections. She never felt bad for lying to Robert because she didn’t like that he had become so controlling, but she also didn’t think she’d be doing this for so long. The thought of her giving her body up didn’t sound any more appealing five months later.

What was she going to do?

**

“I really think that one is gonna be a winner.” Robert sighed happily as he relaxed into the bed, looking over at Beverly as she lay with her legs in the air. “I’m glad we waited a couple of days in between, feels like my boys swam stronger.”

“Yes, dear.” Beverly closed her eyes and tried to breathe steadily, counting down the minutes until she could go use the bathroom and cleanse herself.

“I had an idea today. I really want to spare you from having to be injected with needles. I’m a good husband, and good husbands protect their wives. So, since we have about five weeks until our next appointment, I thought we could try one last natural method.”

“I’m listening.” She turned her head to look at him, intrigued.

“I overheard some ladies talking in the break room this morning. It’s the one good thing about having so many female secretaries. Anyways, they happened to be discussing various issues with conceiving. One of them said they had a friend who got pregnant the second she and her husband stopped focusing so much on it. The wife threw herself into different projects, and a month or so later, she was pregnant.”

“Wait.” She sat up on her elbows. “Are you saying I can enroll in a graduate course after all?”

“What, no.” He laughed. “No, I was thinking we could finally redo the patio and have that pool you’ve wanted put in. You’ve been talking about wanting to host more parties for our friends. You always do so well with the workers when we have something done here, and you love gardening. I think you’d really enjoy overseeing a landscaping project.”

“Let me get this straight: you would rather pay thousands of dollars to have our backyard redone, than pay a couple of hundred for me to enroll in a course?”

“I think school would be too stressful. If you’re stressed, then you definitely won’t conceive. Overseeing a project that puts you outside in the sun will be a win-win. Not to mention an old friend of mine is willing to give us a deal on the work.”

“You have a friend that’s a landscaper?”

“Yeah, this guy from my old neighborhood took over his father’s business. He said he could swing by Saturday to take a look at things.”

“It sounds like you’ve already decided that this is what we’re doing.”

“That’s because I have.” He grinned proudly. “Bev, when we got married, I promised to take care of you. This is me taking care of you. Not all husbands would do something like this for their wives. You could at least pretend to be grateful.”

“I am grateful, I’m sorry if my tone suggested otherwise. What time Saturday is he coming over?”

“That I left up to you. I didn’t know if you had any errands or plans with the ladies.”

“Oh.” Well, at least he was trying to be considerate. “Maybe around three? That would give me time to pick up the dry cleaning and stop at the market.”

“Three is perfect. I’ll give him a call tomorrow to let him know.” He looked down at his watch. “You should be good to use the bathroom now.”

“Yes, dear.” Beverly lowers her legs and slings her robe on. Once she’s in the bathroom, she locks the door and flips on the fan. She rummages around in the back of the sink-cabinet until she finds her douching solution. She used some prior to having sex with her husband, but she likes to use it after for good measure. She bites into the heel of her palm as she cleanses herself. It tends to sting from time to time. When she’s done, she looks at herself in the mirror. She knows she can’t keep doing this to herself. She just doesn’t know what else to do.

**

Beverly loves her weekend clothes. There’s something so freeing about slipping on a pair of high-waist capris, a sleeveless button-up that ties in the front, and a pair of flats. She usually gardens after running her errands, and this is what she typically wears to garden. Robert hates it when Beverly wears pants, or anything form fitting, in public. Why should anyone else be privy to how round her bum is, or how full her thighs are? She’s got a body like Marilyn’s, and that’s something he prefers to keep under wraps.

When the landscaping van pulls up out front, Beverly is in the front yard, planting and mulching. She has the radio going, so she doesn’t pay any mind to the sound of an engine turning off. The man in the landscaping van tilted his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, getting a better glimpse of Beverly. Robert starts walking over, so the man gets out of his van, rounding it to meet his old friend.

“Harry.” Robert smiled and shook the man’s, Harry, hand. “Can you believe it? Got a nice house in a suburb just like the one we grew up in.”

“I never doubted you’d get everything you wanted.” Harry smiled back.

“Seems like the Navy treated you well.”

“Yeah, I can’t complain too much. I didn’t get blown up or lose a limb.”

“And now you own your father’s business. Sorry for your loss, by the way. That’s the drawback of inheritance.”

“Yep. You working for your father?”

“Yes, and proud of it. I’ve got an office with a view, and I can afford to live more than comfortably. Got a beautiful wife, too.” Robert looked around. “Beverly, c’mere!” Beverly stood and dusted off her trousers before making her way over to the two men. “Harry, this is my Beverly.” He put his arm around his wife’s shoulders.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Clark.”

“Likewise, Mr…”

“Styles.” He points behind him with his thumb. “Of Styles Landscaping.”

“Right, of course.”

“Your husband told me you were hoping to have some work done in the backyard.”

“Yes, we’d like the patio redone and to have a pool put in, if possible.”

“Let’s show Harry to the back.” Robert said as he led his wife to the back. Harry followed close behind.

As Beverly observes Harry observing her yard, she can’t help but feel confused. How is this man a friend of Robert’s? Harry’s t-shirt is stretched tight over his chest, not to mention how beefy and muscular his biceps are. His arms are also littered with tattoos.

It takes about twenty minutes for Harry to look around, take some measurements, and get a feel for the land.

“Alright, I can come back on Tuesday with some different mockups of what can be done back here. I can bring my portfolio too, so you can look at some of my past projects. Does Tuesday work for you, Mrs. Clark? I’m assuming you’ll be the one home.”

“Yes, the early afternoon works for me, Mr. Styles.”

“Perfect.” Robert clapped his hands. “H, come in for a bit. We can have a couple beers and catch up while Bev does her gardening out front.”

“Sounds good to me.” Harry nodded, and Robert started to make his way inside. For a split second, Harry tilted his sunglasses down to look at Beverly. “It was nice meeting, Mrs. Clark.” He winked and smirked before catching up with Robert.

Beverly felt her cheeks heat up. She turned and watched Harry walk into her home. Why did he wink at her like that? And why did it make her feel like she just got a B-12 shot?

She shook it off and made her way out front. Gardening will help her clear her head. She’s a married woman. A friend of Robert’s wouldn’t flirt with a married woman…would he?

[lambertdiary]

After All These Years - Chapter One

‎‎‎‎‎Chapter Two ✩ Chapter Three ✩ Chapter Four

Chapter Summary: Y/N and Dalton are childhood best friends who do everything together, but when the Lambert family moves away they are separated and forced to forget about each other.

Word Count: 1.7k+

Warnings: angst, mention of Dalton's coma, allusion to the further

A/N: omg I'm so excited to finally share with you this mini-series i've been working on. The story is entire based on this request by @daltonsqueen so thank you so so much for requesting it!! This first chapter is a little short since I wanted to use it exclusively to describe their friendship when they were kids (hopefully you guys still like it), but I promise next chapter is a lot longer! As always thank you guys for reading and feedback is always appreciated. Also I “accidentally” quoted one of Taylor Swift's songs.

MASTERLIST     ✩    SEND ME A REQUEST

Summer days were Y/N’s favorites. Especially when she got to stay home instead of driving around with her parents visiting family or going to boring restaurants, on days like those she could sleep in and beg for more time to play with her best friend, the nine year old that lived next door. His name was Dalton and his family has lived there for a lot longer than she or Dalton have been alive, but they met when they were both seven. 

She was an only child so before Dalton she felt lonely most of the time, of course she had friends but she could only play with them at school, so summers were extremely boring for the little girl. And something about her, she loved making friends. Friends were really important to her so having no one during school breaks was… upsetting. 

Until one hot summer morning when she heard her parents talking about a kid with a lemonade stand outside of the house next door “Can I go?” She has never befriended someone from her neighborhood, the other kids were older and not very nice to her, so if there was a potential friend living there she needed to know. 

“Sure sweetie, I don’t see why not” Her mom gave her a dollar and walked with her outside, staying on the front porch while Y/N made her way to the lemonade stand.

“I’m Y/N” She said as soon as she got there “My mom says you’re selling lemonade”

“Yes! Would you like to try some?” The little boy said happily, it didn’t look like he was selling much. 

“I only have one dollar” 

“I can give you two for one dollar!” 

“Okay” She gave him the dollar bill and watched as he pulled out 2 tiny cups and poured cold lemonade on them “What’s your name?”

“Dalton, this is my house” He said pointing at the house behind him. 

“That’s mine!” She exclaimed, happy someone her age lived so close to her. 

Dalton grabbed the cups and handed them to Y/N, who took them carefully. They were a little sticky on the sides since Dalton poured too much on them and spilled a little bit “Do you wanna play after you’re done with your lemonade stand?”

“Yes!” He seemed really excited “I have a pool in my backyard, do you wanna check it out?”

“I gotta ask my mom” Y/N replied, looking at her still standing by their front door.

“That’s okay, you can go ask her and come by later!”

“I will” Y/N replied before running back to her house, almost spilling the rest of the lemonade she just bought from Dalton “Mommy, can I go play with Dalton?”

“I don’t know, honey” She hesitated, directing her attention to the little kid, he was waving at her so she waved back.

“Pleaseee” Y/N was pouting and giving her puppy eyes, she really wanted to play with Dalton.

“Okay, why don’t I talk with Dalton’s mom and then we’ll see”

They became best friends that day, seeing each other nearly everyday. Y/N helped him with his lemonade stand after Dalton told her he was saving money to buy a new toy that apparently all the cool kids at his school had, and eventually, they did everything together, they told each other everything, from deep secrets any little kid would consider deep secrets to simple weird dreams. Dalton would tell her about this magical place he could visit every night and Y/N used to get secretly jealous she couldn’t go there. 

During school time they couldn’t play as much, but summers were when they would make up for all that lost time. Sometimes, they would even have sleepovers and spend more than 24 hours together so when summer was coming to an end, they would both be really sad. However, this time it was different.

“We’re moving to a new house” Dalton said out of nowhere. They were currently in Y/N’s living room, having snacks under a pillowfort they spent all morning building.

“Why?” Y/N asked, not knowing exactly what he meant.

“I don’t know” Dalton’s eyes were filling with tears “It’s really far away”

“Why can’t you stay here?” Y/N was about to start crying too.

“I don’t know. My parents took us to the new house yesterday and we were in the car for a really long time”

“You can stay here with me” She suggested “We can build a pillowfort in my room and that’s where you will sleep!” Y/N was satisfied with her solution, but Dalton knew that wasn’t an option.

He shook his head, making a few tears fall on his clothes “We are leaving on Friday”

“Before summer is over?”

“Yeah, my mom says we have to settle in before schools starts”

“What about our sleepovers?”

Dalton shrugged his shoulders “Maybe I can still visit you in my dreams”

“But what about me? You know I can’t see you or go where you go”

They talked about that the rest of the day, Y/N asking a million questions and Dalton not knowing how to respond. That’s when they experienced a heartbreak for the first time, two best friends being ripped apart from each other at a very young age. 

Y/N’s mom was almost as sad as they were. She knew how much Dalton meant to her and Dalton leaving meant Y/N being somewhat alone during the summer again. They truly loved each other, how could they not? The friendship between two little kids was the purest form of love that could ever exist.

The Lambert family left really early on Friday, but Y/N promised she would wake up on time to say goodbye. So there she was, standing in front of what used to be her best friend’s house, hugging Dalton goodbye. 

“It’s not fair” She whispered in Dalton's ear, trying really hard to steady her breathing with all that crying.

“But I will see you again, I promise” Dalton was also crying, and he couldn’t help but feel like his best friend was sad because of him “My mom says we can visit you one day” He said wiping his own tears.

“Will she talk to my mom?”

Dalton nodded before running up to his mom and taking a piece of paper from her hands “I made this for you” He said, giving it to Y/N, it was a beautiful drawing of the both of them. They were in the pillowfort, Dalton wearing his super hero costume and Y/N with her favorite baby blue pajamas.

“I will keep this forever” Y/N said, looking at the paper and bringing it closer to her heart.

All four parents looked at the kids, feeling for them. They were all amazed at the special connection they had and they were of course sad they had to break them apart. But unfortunately that wouldn’t change anything.

The drought was the very worse for the both of them, but especially for Y/N. Dalton had two siblings he could play with (that didn’t mean he wouldn't miss her), but Y/N went back to staying in her room all day. She still played and tried to have fun by herself, but all those games she and Dalton made up weren’t as fun without him.

Weeks went by and Dalton still hadn’t visited. Y/N would constantly ask her mom about him and why he broke his promise. She knew the reason, Dalton was in coma, but she didn’t think telling that to a little girl would be the best idea.

It wasn’t until a month later Y/N found out the truth. It was a mistake, she overheard her parents talking about Dalton and how he still hasn’t woken up from his coma. She didn’t know what that meant, so later when she confronted them about it they tried their best to explain it to her without making it sound as tragic as it really was. The last thing they wanted was for her to think he was dying, even though that’s what it looked like. So instead they just told her something like “He’s really sick so he has to go to sleep a lot, that’s why he can’t come visit you”

“Can’t we go visit him?” She asked crying, scared that her best friend was really sick.

Her parents at some point did consider the possibility of visiting him and his family, but discarded the idea when they realized what someone in a coma really looks like. They didn’t want little Y/N to see her best friend in such a… lifeless state “I’m sorry, honey. But we’ll have to wait until he gets better”

That was the last time she talked about him with her parents, any other time she tried to ask they didn’t really say anything and with time, she stopped asking. So her memory of him gradually faded away somehow, she stopped wondering about him, wondering if he was okay or if he was now gone. Maybe it was easier for her to block everything they lived together than to recall how painful losing him was.

But it was hard for Dalton too. He had a pretty rough few years after he moved. Being in a coma, forgetting a whole year of his life, having a complicated relationship with his dad, seeing his parents fight all the time and eventually get divorced. For years, he did think about Y/N a lot, he didn’t stop wondering about her but with so many things flooding his mind, he never really made time to reconnect. 

In the end, the memory of her stopped being so constant and with time it went away almost completely, just like everything else from his childhood. Except that he would occasionally remember her existence, anytime someone asked about his early years her name came to his mind, their friendship being the only distinct memory before everything went downhill. Dalton never talked about her though, he thought bringing up a childhood friend he moved away from years ago was a little weird, so he just didn’t. It seemed like everyone around him forgot about her, so maybe he should too.

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

you wanna know something that i’ve realized?

most debbie haters stopped actually paying attention to her storyline around season 5-10. because a lot of the takes i’ve seen about her are so stupid because they don’t make any sense, and they could have only been made by someone who begrudgingly watched the scenes and really didn’t give a rats ass.

and so by season 10, when she has a whole redemption arc going on, it’s not taken into account because people are so brainwashed by all of these takes such as, “she’s the worst gallagher”, or, “she’d abandon franny”, or even worse things that i don’t want to even bother getting into.

and then, we get to season 11, and it becomes rather obvious that people haven’t been paying attention. it’s literally like someone taking an exam having never taken the class that the exam is for and not knowing what they’re talking about at all.

because yes, season 5 debbie had some… issues, she was on another level, and season 6 debbie was stubborn, season 7 debbie was confused and closed off, season 8 debbie was vain, season 9 debbie was, well, into kelly; but all of the characters had dark points and the thing is, almost all of them redeem themselves! and you all allow this for every character (*cough* lip *cough*) except for debbie.

season 10 debbie managed the bills and finances at ninteen WHILE taking care of a four year old, she scammed good money for herself and her family, she fought for her daughter and found a clever way to keep her (while getting money from the government), she bought tami and lip an rv, she saved ian and mickey’s wedding, and overall was just great (don’t even get me started on julia because i’ve got into it before, she wasn’t supposed to be villainized in that storyline but she was because y’all didn’t pay attention).

season 11 debbie is struggling. she just got arrested and i’m pretty sure was sent to jail, because of this, her career struggles, she tries to make everything perfect for her daughter but worries she’s failing when nobody comes to franny’s party because of her + lip calls her a terrible mother for a MISUNDERSTANDING, she tries to get money, HER house is being destroyed by lip gallagher and her entire family turns on her, she and her girlfriend break up and she relives her trauma, she dates someone incredibly toxic, and i could literally go on and on about how sad her ending was. she got fucked over. however, she tries for her daughter and goes out of her way to make her daughter happy even when she’s struggling, she has her own business, and she fights for her house.

i know that debbie fucks up a lot, but you don’t get to diminish her entire character if you don’t get it. if you aren’t able to understand her trauma and why she acted the way she did you don’t get to talk, sorry not sorry.

like, you can tell when someone hasn’t been paying attention based on if they think she’ll go to texas. when she heard about texas, she looked like she didn’t want to go. she was hesitant. she delivered an entire monologue about why she wouldn’t ever leave her kid, and it was evident throughout that entire season, yet y’all think she would just jump into that truck and leave franny behind?? no! plus, the deal was franny AND debbie, not just debbie. i get that you want galladads to just scoop up franny but sorry, debbie would never let that slide. they’re her uncles, not her dads.

and if you can’t explain who heidi or peppa are, you can’t talk. if you can’t understand that what matty did was grooming, you can’t talk. if you think that she has a low iq, you can’t talk. if you think that she hates fiona, you can’t talk. if you think that she’d leave franny, YOU CAN’T TALK.

the show explains her character, it’s not like all of her actions aren’t justifiable, like, they give you reasons why she does it and she makes up for her actions but you all just ignore it. it pisses me the fuck off.

[ametrinearrows]

Runaway

YN and Dolph had been thick as thieves ever since she joined the WWE. He was the one that she felt like she could talk about anything with, and he felt the same way about her. So, when childhood memories came up on their carpooled trip to the next event site, it was not even the slightest bit shocking. It was something that they did often, and they enjoyed it. 

“When I say Ryan just about broke his arm, I mean it. Kept complaining about it for days." Nic said, trying to contain the chuckle that wanted to slide out underneath his breath. 

YN, who had already given in to the fits of laughter that had overtaken her, nodded and said, “Yeah, I would have too if my ass was just dumb enough to jump off of the house just to see if I could land it on a trampoline.” She slowly wiped away the tears that she had shed from laughing as hard as she was. “If the word dumbass had a picture next to it in the dictionary, it would be one of your brother doing that. Which I would have paid to see, just for your information.” 

“What about you? Mmm? What stupid shit did you do in your youth?” he questioned with a smile on his face. 

YN thought about it for a moment and shook her head. “Other than the whole run away from home at eighteen, I can't say I have done anything completely dumbfounding, to be completely honest with you.” 

Nic quickly looked over at her and then back to the road. “You ran away from home?” His tone was one of complete shock. It was not something he expected her to say. Up until that point all he knew was that she had the best relationship with her folks growing up. But the more he started thinking about it the more Dolph realized that she rarely, if ever, spoke about her teenage or young adult years and he never had wondered why until now. 

“Uhh… yeah.” YNN said, face falling from the realization she had never told her best friend that little piece of information before. “My childhood was great, you know that, but when I turned thirteen, maybe even fourteen, my parents were going through their divorce. Mom became a workaholic, never spending more than three, maybe four, hours at home, and dad, after moving out, drowned his sorrows in alcohol. He wasn’t a horrible drunk, but he wasn’t the best either.” she confessed as she began to play with the frayed strings at the bottom of her sweatshirt.  

Nic was not used to hearing this furious warrior women he has come to know and love sound so small but she was finally opening up that part of her life to him and though he didn’t push her into telling him any of it, he wasn’t about to tell her to stop when she felt him to be a safe person to actually talk about this with.  

“I did everything I could to please them both. I did my chores without being asked. Kept my grades up to above average. Applied to both to their preferred colleges and got accepted to both. But it seemed nothing I did was enough. Mom bought a prom dress but wasn’t there to help me get ready, so I ended up not going because it wasn’t going to be the same. She was late for my graduation. By the time she got there I had already walked the stage and accepted my diploma. Dad just didn’t show his face at all. At that point I was done with it all and wanted to trade my life in for a different one. I called my grandma in southern Kentucky and though she didn’t have a room for me, she and grandpa had just kicked out the renters of their rental house and told me if I promised to keep up with the place and help them pay the property bills, it was mine for the taking.” She took a moment to pause and finally looked over at him. 

“For me it was a no brainer. I packed everything I thought I would need or want the next day while my mother was at work, left a note for her on her bedroom door, and was gone before she ever got home that night. Haven’t set eyes upon that house since then and honestly don’t plan to either.” 

“Do you ever miss it?” he questioned without taking his eyes off the road. “Home, I mean.” 

YN just shrugged and looked out of the front windshield. “I miss the home I had when I was a child. But not the one I drove away from that day." She took a deep breath and then continued. “My mother didn’t even notice I was gone for three days before she started calling around. By that time, I had already made it to Kentucky, been there for a day and a half, and grandpa and I were painting the house to colors that were more me. That place hadn’t been home for a long time before then and it won’t be now either. And to be completely honest, if I didn’t leave then the likeliness of me getting into this profession would have been slim to none. My mother never liked the idea of me being into wrestling the way I was, but grandma and grandpa were willing to support me in whatever endeavor I was into. So, there’s that too.” 

Dolph nodded at her admission. “Well then, in that case, I'm sorry for the way it happened, but I'm not sorry about where it got you. I don’t think I want to imagine life in this business without you in it.” 

YNN smiled slightly. “Even if you were in it at the time I wasn't?” 

He chuckled. “I tend not to dwell on that fact for very long,” he confessed. “That was a whole different time.” 

The two of them continued their ride with funny stories from their life in the business. Nic was happy that she had opened up to him in a way he hadn’t expected her to. But it gave him a greater understanding of her as a person and for that he was grateful. 

[aconflagrationofmyown]

Anecdotes from Baby Let’s Play House

“Vernon thought he was a stud,” remembers Lamar Fike. “Elvis used to say that Vernon knew when Elvis was conceived, because afterwards, he blacked out.”

When things progressed beyond that point, he usually stuck to intense foreplay, sometimes asking a girl to masturbate him, and then ejaculating in her hair. If his partner found it degrading, a complete act of submission and dominance, it also made sense—her head was the farthest point from potential pregnancy. Elvis’s first experience of real intercourse, which came at either age nineteen or twenty, was both traumatic and uninformed. He had met the girl only that day, and before long, he was in the hotel lobby, searching for Scotty and Bill, his face a tangle of confusion. “The rubber busted,” he said. “What do I do now?” Bill chuckled. “I think you had better marry her—or get the hell out of town.” They left him on his own to solve the crisis, and the next time they saw him, they asked what he had done. “I took her to the emergency room at the hospital.” “The emergency room?” “Yeah, I got them to give her a douche.” Soon he vowed to “never break a virgin,” and to fool around only with experienced girls. In truth, he liked everything that led up to intercourse better than the act itself— the kissing, the stroking, the darting fingers, the removal of the blouse. He preferred that a girl keep her panties on, though it drove him wild to see the slightest bit of pubic hair poking around the seams of her underwear. But he respected women, and it was always important that the girl receive more pleasure than he.

One night when Elvis’s parents came to the Hayride, he walked offstage after taking a number of encores and just about brought the house down. Gladys grabbed him up by the arm and pulled him over to the side of the stage where no one could hear them. “Elvis,” she said sternly, “don’t you have any drawers?” He thought fast, and said, “No, ma’am, the only pair I own was dirty, and Maxine wouldn’t wash ’em.” “Honey, God, he was huge!” Maxine says. “And it showed. And then when he’d shake his leg, my God! You could tell he had a hard-on. It looked like it. Hell, he knew what he was doing. Bill Black went out and said, ‘I’m going to buy Elvis some shorts.’ And he thought, ‘I’ll play a trick on him.’ He bought him some silk ones, polka dots. He thought Elvis wouldn’t wear them, but Elvis fell in love with them and wouldn’t even take ’em off. He didn’t want me to wash them. He was afraid somebody would steal them. I guarantee you, he wore silk underwear for the rest of his life, when he wore any at all. He loved them.”

When I came back, the other guys were down at the beach, looking for the cute girls. But Elvis was leaning over the grillwork on the balcony, staring at the ocean. I said, ‘Hi, honey, are you okay?’ He said, ‘Mae, I can’t get over this ocean.’ Now, he grew up on the mighty Mississippi, but he said, ‘It’s so vast, just no end to it. I’d give anything in the world if I had enough money to bring my mama and daddy to Florida and let them see the ocean.’ ” It touched her that his priority was his parents, when most twenty-year-olds would think about having fun.

“As they approached the car, they noticed a stranger glancing out the window and then disappearing. The two increased their speed and ripped open the door. His wife screamed from the passenger side and dove for the petticoats in the floorboard. Elvis fell onto the dirt parking lot, struggling to zip up. The trucker reached down with huge, burly arms and grabbed the skinny frame, shaking the stuffing out of it and driving in a couple of well-placed right hooks. “ ‘Not my face, not my face!’ the singer yelled, covering the aforementioned location. ‘I’ve gotta go back and play.’ The truck driver got in a few more gut busters, then let his quarry flee back to the club.”

Then one reporter asked Elvis if he planned to marry. “Why buy a cow when you can milk it through the fence?” he said, a comment that would be picked up by the national press and spark outrage, even as it was toned down

Then he took the chance, seeing they were so absorbed. He started shooting, keeping his distance at first, and then moved closer, closer, and closer still, until he was up on the railing of the stairway. He snapped a shot from above, looking down just as Elvis nuzzled the girl’s cheek, his arms spread wide, one above her against the wall, the other anchoring him on the railing. It was so sensual, and their bodies so eager, that if the photo were rotated, it would seem as if the two were in bed. The photographer scarcely breathed. He asked to pass them (“May I get by?”) but they were so focused they didn’t even care. Al pivoted so that the window was behind him, illuminating his subjects with front-end sunlight and fill lighting from the dangling bulb. “Betcha can’t kiss me, Elvis,” the girl said, sticking out her tongue. “Betcha I can,” he teased back. And then he made his move, sticking out his own tongue until the two were pressed together, tongues and noses, his waist pushing up against hers. By now, the girl was leaning back on the stair rail, and anything could happen. Al snapped the shutter, capturing the famous image, a distillation of the rock-and-roll road show, and Elvis at his uninhibited best. The whole thing took a tenth of a second, and then all Al heard was, “We want Elvis! We want Elvis!” A minute later, Elvis sprinted onstage to give four thousand people, mostly women and girls, the performance they had paid to see.

[kito-oh-kito]

c-can we hear abt Caseys fam🥹🥹

Yes you can!!!! Ily anon

Casey’s family is probably the most developed thing about my au which is a little embarrassing but oh well (it’s all under the more because there’s a lot 💀)

TW FOR CHILD ABUSE ON THE LAST BIT (and dying?) it’s not too bad but thought it’s better to be safe then sorry

Okay so this is Zach Casey’s older brother and his wife Mackenzie

This is also them but teens

They’re in their mid twenties and newly wed 🔥🔥(their ship name is either Zackenzie or machary) they’re highschool sweethearts and I love them soooo much

Zachs the golden child well he was he was supposed to be the next in line for his dads gang but he decided he didn’t want to be a leader but when he told his dad that well he wasn’t happy to say the least, that’s when he really realised how bad his dad had gotten he wasn’t the understanding man he once knew, so he moved out as soon as he could he bought an apartment for him and Mackenzie and soon they got married, he meets up with Casey every few months to help them with bills and such just because he loved his siblings too much to leave them completely even if they have low contact.

This is Bridget the little sister she’s 9 and a massive deva she’s a popular girl in her school she’s apart of the ‘girl posse’

Her hairs actually curly she just straightens it to fit in she bleaches her ends and wears makeup, she stays out the sun so she’s lighter but not for too long or she won’t look ‘tanned’ she’s ashamed that she was the only one of her signings to get her moms skin colour she’s more ashamed that she didn’t even know her according to her dad she look ‘just like her’ but in Bridget’s words she ‘absolutely hates being compared to that dead witch’ she never means what she says but you can’t really blame her she grew up the only girl the only dark skinned (Ik she doesn’t look super dark there shhh) person in the house and she feels like an outsider.

Enough angst heres a fun fact

She’s deadly allergic to pineapples yippie 😶

And then there’s their dad the ‘big boss’ the deadbeat dad who has a gang and tattooes the symbol onto his kids Arnold jones

Believe it or not this is the only drawing I have of him I don’t like drawing old people but oh well ‼️

This guy his everything phobic (not the scared kind) he hates everyone and everything he drinks ..a lot and this is with his kids are most likely going to go no contact he drinks and is the leader of (drumroll) the purple dragons and he forces that role onto his kids

He wasn’t always like this he used to be fine when it was just him, zach and his wife but when Casey came along she almost died of blood loss and the doctors said they couldn’t have any more kids of course that didn’t stop them and she ended up dying when Bridget was born that’s when he snapped and ended up snapping and let the alcohol and violence take over his life, zach was his first son the next leader and Bridget was just a baby so his anger was taken out on casey, he was only seven when his dad started taking out his anger on him he didn’t know why he was confused as any child would be but that didn’t stop Arnold he’d become a cruel man that didn’t care for him.

Of course it got better sure he still takes his anger out on casey sometimes but it’s not as bad at when he was younger send some rip Casey’s (the aggressiveness included getting Casey totted earlier then zach did, smacking and dislocated shoulder ermmm….save him!!!!)

Anyways that was my rant on the joneses hope you like them we much I like them lemme know if you want a casey post 😪 or any other characters

[microsuedemouse]

so over the last month or so I have been steadily blowing out the thighs in every pair of decent-for-work pants I own. first it was both good pairs of jeans, then the cheap cotton twill joggers I literally only ever wore for work, and yesterday as I was getting ready to go out the door it was the last pair of skinny-jeans-whose-fit-I-don’t-like-anymore-but-which-were-technically-work-appropriate.

(I wore a pair of overalls, which are technically not allowed, and explained the situation to a sympathetic supervisor. to be fair you rarely get dress coded at work unless it’s egregious or a recurring issue, but I’d still rather not have it come up at all.)

a couple weeks ago my mom and I went to Value Village to look for more pants, and I bought four pairs, but when I got home none of them fit. unfortunately my mother had forgotten the receipt, as these things go, so all four pairs have been kicking around my room ever since. I’d actually been thinking that I’d use today - my first day off in a while - to bus out to Old Navy and just buy a couple new pairs, but then… the bus drivers went on strike this week. also more of my paycheque went into bills than I’d expected, anyway, so I don’t have a lot of cash to spare.

SO. today’s mission is to attempt to upsize some of these too-small VV pairs.

I was ready to scrounge around the house for old clothes I could salvage for fabric, but at my mom’s clever suggestion, I’m actually using some fun upholstery fabric we’ve had kicking around unused for ages. some of it is leftover from when she recovered the seats of our old dining room set probably a decade ago; some of it is just stuff we picked up and never got around to using.

the bobbin remains my sworn enemy and bane of my existence. I’ve never had more problems with an inanimate object than I’ve had with sewing machine bobbins. 🖕🏻🖕🏻 honestly

(yes these images are from my ig story; I forgot to take/save any other pics from this stage of the process)

I’ve finished basting in one side and it doesn’t look too fuckin bad!!! now I’m taking a snack/stretching break before I tackle the other leg and check the new fit. this is the pair that was closest to fitting before, so I don’t need to add toooo much for it to work, I think. (I hope.)

if this works out, I’ll scrap the pair I busted yesterday for fabric and use it to add some reinforcement patches to the insides of these new pairs. might as well try to defend them from my thunder thighs however I can, especially if they’re gonna be ~fun~ now.

[ejzah]

A/N: Thanks @mashmaiden for reminding me about Deeks’ birthday. I’m as bad as Kensi.

Happy 44th birthday Marty Deeks! May you have many cronuts and sushi.

***

The One With the Surprise Party

“So, I hear it’s someone’s very special birthday coming up,” Kensi murmured, wrapping her arms around Deeks from behind as he sat at the dining table. She pressed a smacking kiss to his cheek, then more gently kissed behind his ear. Tipping his chin up, he pulled a face.

“Oh yeah, that thing.”

“Yeah that thing. We’re three weeks out.”

“Thanks for rubbing it in,” he joked. Kensi playfully tugged at the the longer bit of beard on his chin, speckled with a little gray.

“Seriously though, what do you want for your birthday?”

“I’ve got everything I want right here,” he replied, testing his neck enough to see her. “Well, one part is currently at book club, but the point still stands.”

Kensi could tell he meant it, but ever since that awful birthday years ago when she’d gotten the dates mixed up, she couldn’t let the day go without some form of celebration.

“Baby,” she wheedled, twining her fingers through his curls. “We finally aren’t running around like crazy trying to get the house in shape, or worried about money. Let’s celebrate in style.”

“I appreciate it, Kens, but all I really want is to spend time with my family.”

“If you’re sure.”

“Yep.” He stretched up to kiss her, smiling against her lips. “Just family and some good food. That’s all I need.”

“Ok,” Kensi agreed, leaving him to his work. She started scheming a few minutes later.

***

“This has been the perfect morning,” Deeks sighed, leaning back with a satisfied smile. The remnants of an omelet and French toast spread out in front of him. His hair was still just the slightest bit damp from their morning surfing, and was naturally starting to curl around his ears.

“Well, you said you wanted spend the day with family, so you’re stuck with us all day long,” Kensi said, popping a bite of syrup soaked pancake into her mouth. “No take backs.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He nodded to Rosa, who was making her way through a waffle. “So, what did you think of your first winter surf?”

“It wasn’t as cold as I expected. It was nice that there weren’t as many people around,” Rosa answered. “I think I am finally getting more comfortable and not like I might fall over every single time.”

“Uh, you killed it out there, Rose,” Deeks told her with enough enthusiasm to earn a grin from Rosa. “In a few more months, you’ll be better than me.”

“You see, he never gives me these kinds of compliments,” Kensi joked, nudging Deeks’ shoulder. He immediately turned with a would-be sincerity.

“Babe, your surfing is amazing, and I would watch you surf every day for the rest of my life. But you also try to knock me off my board at least once every time we go out.”

“It’s tradition,” she defended herself. “And we know how much you love tradition.”

“Uh-huh. I feel so loved.”

“I promise I won’t knock you over next time we surf,” Rosa offered, thought her giant grin took something away from the sentiment.

“I appreciate that, Rosa.” He grabbed the receipt their waiter had left on the table a few minutes ago, and made to stand. “I’ll go pay the bill—”

“Ah-ah-ah, the birthday boy does not pay for his own breakfast,” Kensi interrupted, snatching the slip of paper out of his hand. “I’ll pay this, and then we’re going shopping, because you my dear hubby, have not bought any new clothes in way too long.

She shared a smile with Rosa over Deeks’ head, pleased with how well things were coming together.

***

Deeks went along with Kensi and Rosa’s makeover with minimal complaint. It wasn’t that he hated dressing up per se, it was just easier, and a lot more comfortable to wear jeans and t-shirt.

Of course, those didn’t inspire the special gleam that tailored pants and a dress shirt did.

“You know, I don’t think I really need a tie with this,” he said as Kensi pulled into their driveway.

“But that blue one you have would look perfect,” Kensi insisted again.

“The sushi place has seen me in flip flops and three-day hoodie. I don’t think they’ll care if I show a bit of collar bone.”

“I have to get my purse anyway,” Rosa added, and between them they chivvied him up to the door. He had just enough time to notice that the curtains were drawn with light peeking through when Kensi swung the door open, and he was greeted with a chorus of,

“Happy Birthday!”

Deeks jerked back ever so slightly, stunned by the dozen or so people crowded in their living room.

“Get in here, man,” Sam said, tugging Deeks into the melee.

20 minutes later, he was loaded down with a plate of his favorite food, and surrounded by Kensi, Rosa, Callen, and Sam. Large shiny balloons decorated one of the walls, spelling out “Happy 44th Birthday”.

Everyone had given their well-wishes, hugs, and so forth. Across the room, he saw his mom holding court with Julia, Rountree, and Fatima. He’d bet his brand new shirt that she was currently telling every embarrassing story she could recall.

“Ok, how exactly did you pull this off?” he asked, wrapping his free arm around Kensi’s waist.

“It wasn’t easy,” Kensi said. “Planning a surprise birthday party is a

lot harder than you make it look. But Rosa is a pretty good coconspirator. She picked up supplies with Roberta and invited most of the guests.”

“It was fun,” Rosa said with a shrug. “I kind of like the…cloak and dagger?”

“I’m both impressed and concerned.” Deeks held up a Swedish meatball on his fork. “What I want to know is when you found time to do all—” he used the meatball to gesture at the decorations, which were pretty extensive—“this? And spend all day with me.”

“We have our ways,” Kensi said mysteriously.

“Does Kip’s somewhat sudden offer to catch up and play basketball with his old team yesterday have anything to do with?”

“Hey, we needed you out of the house for a solid 8 hours, and Kip was more than happy to help his good friend, Marty-Mar out.”

“We cooked everything at Roberta’s house so you wouldn’t get any ideas.”

“Your mother’s insane, Deeks,” Sam added, shaking his head. “Made me shred 8 chickens. You know how long that takes?”

“Wait, my mom had you guys cooking too?” Deeks started laughing, imagining his mom ordering Sam Hanna around her kitchen.

“Oh no, I was on balloon duty,” Callen said. “It takes a long time to blow them all up. A special technique.”

“I’m sure it does.” Sam glowered at him briefly, then allowed a tiny smile. “It was worth it for a friend. Just don’t ask me to do anything else with chickens.”

“Fair enough. Thanks for all of this.” Deeks dropped his gaze momentarily, suddenly embarrassed. “I truly did not expect any of it.”

“Hey, there’s only one Marty Deeks,” Callen said, raising his beer. “Long may he live.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Sam muttered, but took a drink along with the rest of the group.

“Ooh, I’m going to get your present.” Rosa jumped up from the table, hurrying off to her room.

“You know, I just have one question.” Deeks lowered his voice so only Kensi could hear. “If we were just coming home, why did I need a makeover?”

“Oh, that was all for me,” Kensi informed him with a sly grin. “And, it plays into your present from me. Which you’ll get after everybody’s gone.”

“Happy birthday to me,” Deeks said, leaning over to kiss Kensi, and tuning out the sound of Sam and Callen’s combined groans.

***

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fluffy little piece.

[nucleariguana]

The Lyrics To Every Song In “Mandatory Fun”

My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can't take a shower When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG! I got

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later Tried to fast forward commercials, can't, I'm watching live T.V I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

Can't remember which car I drove to the mall My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems)

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I'm waking up, in Cheeto dust My belly's covered with pizza crust I'm using my inhaler now I'm out of shape, fattening up I'm sipping Coke from a Solo Cup Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

The TV's on, I really hate this show I can't reach my remote control Welcome to my new place, to my new place Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, I'm so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, highly inactive

My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied Always lose my fight with gravity I rest my bones, and just chillax, whoa My NordicTrack's collecting dust And my StairMaster's a pile of rust This is it, The Inertia, whoa

I can't get up, this couch is part of me I'm growing cobwebs on my knee Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age I could break my rib cage, here is my age Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, yes, quite inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not very active

Near comatose, no exercise Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

I'm giving up, my energy is shot I'm never moving from this spot Never move from this place, move from this place I'll stay here in this place, right in this place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, just so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not so attractive

Tuesday morning, 8:15 I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express Seemed like any other day Then my whole world changed In a way I never could have guessed 'Cause she walked in Took the seat right across the aisle I knew we had a special connection The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say "Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before" I gave her a look that said "Huh, life is funny, you never know what's in store By the way, your hair is beautiful I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked "Did you have a nose job or something? I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better Than the rest of your face" I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly Which was my way of asking "Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer? It still works, kinda And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then, she let out a long sigh Which, I took to mean, "Uh" "Mama, what is that deodorant you're wearing? It's intoxicating Why don't we drive out to the country sometime? And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare Which could only mean "You are my answer, my answer to everything Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly On the written part of my driver's test"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I knew she was starting to fall for me 'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant "Baby, lets wear each other's clothes And speak in a thick German accent And, maybe someday we can own and operate Our own mobile pet-grooming service" I couldn't hold back my feelings I gave her a look, that said "I would make any sacrifice for your love Goat, chicken, whatever I could never hold you close enough Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together Oh, surgically grafted together"

She picked up a newspaper, and started reading to herself Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me "When you're cold, I will warm you When you're shivering, I will hold you When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour For as long as the symptoms persist" Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second In a way that clearly implied "I like your boobs"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say I was trying to say, "Hey I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells That you slough off while you sleep at night" Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin But not in a creepy way"

Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard She was saying, "Oh! I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating "Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth" She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say "Here?", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly "Where are you going?", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me Think of the beautiful children we could have someday We could school them at home, raise them up the right way And protect them from the evils of the world Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no Baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus I'm sure that was her way of saying "I'm sorry this just isn't working out You're suffocating me I need some space to find out what life's all about So, goodbye forever, my love"

And deep inside, I knew she was right It was time for us both to move on And no, I never got her number, oh no no She never bothered to leave her address, oh But, as long as I live, I'll never forget Those precious moments we shared together

On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

We must all efficiently Operationalize our strategies Invest in world-class technology And leverage our core competencies In order to holistically administrate Exceptional synergy We'll set a brand trajectory Using management's philosophy Advance our market share vis-à-vis Our proven methodology With strong commitment to quality Effectively enhancing corporate synergy Transitioning our company By awareness of functionality Promoting viability Providing our supply chain with diversity (versity, ooooh) We will distill our identity Through client-centric solutions And synergy (Oooooh oooh oooh)

At the end of the day (At the end of the day) We must monetize our assets The fundamentals of change Can you visualize a value-added experience? That will grow the business infrastructure and Monetize our assets Monetize our assets Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table Our capitalized reputation Proactively overseeing Day-to-day operations Services and deliverables With cross-platform innovation Networking, soon will bring, seamless integration Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation Best of breed We'll succeed In achieving globalization

And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace It's mission-critical to stay incentivized Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for our customer base If you can't think outside the box You'll be downsized It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!) Well, it's a paradigm shift, now! (Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!)

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain We jumped never asking why We kissed, I fell under your spell A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you I can't live a life, running for my life I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me Yeah, you wreck me

All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run, outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run faster than my bullet

And we danced all night to the best song ever We knew every line, now I can't remember I think it went ooh eh ooh I think it went oohla eh ooh I think it goes eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Polka Gangnam Style Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Hey, I just met you And this is crazy But here's my number So call me, maybe And all the other boys Try to chase me But here's my number So call me, maybe

I wanna scream and shout (hey!) And let it all out And scream and shout (hey!) And let it out We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh" We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh wee ohh, wee oh wee oh"

Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know

It's going down (hey!), I'm yelling timber You better move, you better dance Let's make a night you won't remember I'll be the one you won't forget (Timber! Timber!)

I'm sexy and I know it Girl look at that body (He's sexy and he knows it)

I wear your grandad's clothes I look incredible I'm in this big old coat From that thrift shop down the road (Hey!)

That's right! (He looks incredible) I do! (He's in that big old coat) It's large! Hey, lets go! (From that thrift shop down the road)

I'm gonna pop some tags Only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm hunting, looking for a come-up This is super awesome

She's up all night 'til the sun I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night 'til the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky Up all night to get lucky

Yes, we're up all night to get Can get lucky, we're gonna get lucky, let's all get lucky We're up all night to get lucky! (Hey!)

I saw a baby drive a truck I saw a junkie eat a tuba I saw a stripper kiss a duck Behind a dumpster in Aruba

I saw this fat, psychotic guy His underwear was made of crickets He pawned a skeleton to buy Some old expired lotto tickets

I saw a naked vagrant giving Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat I probably could have gone my whole life Without seeing that

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes

I saw a mime get hacked to death With an imaginary cleaver I saw an old man's final breath I watched him die from Bieber Fever I saw these diabetic chicks In an abandoned 7-Eleven I watched them snorting pixie sticks While they were belching Stairway To Heaven

I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers They could shove up each other's nose I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose That's just the way it goes

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes

Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra And he trained it to massage his back My guinea pig committed hara-kiri So we used him to play hacky-sack My neighbor's kids sold weapons grade plutonium And frosty ice-cold lemonade They took MasterCard and sometimes Human organs in trade, that's how we paid I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade

With my own eyes I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes

Everybody shut up, woo! Everyone listen up! Hey, hey, hey, uh Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a

Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" Like people who were Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You'd better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I", "T" Followed by apostrophe, "s" Now what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case As a possessive It's a contraction What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes Syntax you're always mangling No "x" in "espresso" Your participle's danglin' But I don't want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you" Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven Or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English

One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom" Don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull What's figurative and what's literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn't get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail It's quite apparent Your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post It's really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) 'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!

Your sports team is vastly inferior That simple fact is plainly obvious to see We're gonna kick your collective posterior Of course you realize we're speaking figuratively Our stats are thoroughly impressive Our coach really has the Midas touch Our players are fast and strong and brave And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we've played teams across the nation And you're the worst one we've come across Try to assimilate that information And it just might help you cope with your impending loss Oh, and if somehow we are still failing To affectively articulate the points at hand Allow us now to summarize them in a manner That your feeble brains can understand

We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) You see there's us (we're great) And then there's you (you suck) We're really, really great (really great) In contrast, you really suck (really suck) Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat That theory's backed up by empirical evidence We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense What's the use of even going through the motions When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow So why don't you save us all some time And give up now (you suck!)

I never seem to finish all my food I always get a doggie bag from the waiter So I just keep what's still unchewed And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation Microbes, enzymes, mold and oxidation I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve

I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight

With aluminum foil (Foil) Never settle for less That kind of wrap is just the best To keep your sandwich nice and fresh

Stick it in your cooler (Cooler) Eat it when you're ready Then maybe you'll choose (You'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose) A refreshing herbal tea Mmm, lovely!

Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code I've figured out these shadow organizations And the Illuminati know That they're finally primed for world domination

And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border Puppet masters for the New World Order Be aware: There's always someone that's watching you And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil (Foil) Wear a hat that's foil lined In case an alien's inclined To probe your butt or read your mind

Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar) Seems a little crazy But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove) There's a big conspiracy

One time I was in the checkout line Behind Steven Seagal Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill Was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend's brother Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2 My neighbour's baby sitter Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue I swear Jack Nicholson Looked right at me at a Laker's game

I got a lame Lame claim to fame

Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria Well, he sure sounded legit My sister used to take piano lessons From the second cousin of Ralph Nader Last year I threw up in an elevator Next to Christian Slater Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's Are exactly the same

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame

Once at a party, my dentist accidentally Sneezed on Russell Crowe I posted first in the comments On a YouTube video I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi But he told me this seat's taken I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon

I had a car that used to belong To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle A friend of mine in high school Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel One time I was staying in the same hotel As Zooey Deschanel I used the same napkin dispenser As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell Well I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame I'm talking lame Lame claim to fame A really really really lame Lame claim to fame

Ow, let's get lame boys

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman) Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion) And I'm the greatest in the business Want referrals, yo My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right) I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?) There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah) I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks) Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted) Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck) When your front window is busted (hey hey hey) Just one man that's always trusted

I'm so handy, you already know I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets over flows I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code When your dishwasher's about to explode

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer But all your pipes are antique Your water pressure's too weak You got an attic full of dry rot Because your roof sprung a leak Your fridge is starting to reek Your hardwood floors really squeak But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I'm so handy, everyone said so I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (OW!)

Still rocking my screwdriver Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGuyver Your heating bills are shocking I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking Your house is a disaster, huh? Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh? Let me be your stripper Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker

I'm so handy, you already know I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low I'm so handy, you should call this pro I'm in the phone book and se habla Español It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid I Instagram every meal I've had All my used liquor bottles are on display We can go to see a show but I'll make you pay

Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks (Because I'm tacky) Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined Crocs (Because I'm tacky) Never let you forget some favor I did for you (Because I'm tacky) If you're okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too

I meet some chick, ask her this and that Like 'Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat?' (what?) Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly That's what Kanye West keeps telling me, here's why

Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants (Because I'm tacky) Got my new resume it's printed in Comic Sans (Because I'm tacky) Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review (Because I'm tacky) If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too

Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I never know why Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, it's pointless to try Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said

43 Bumper Stickers and a YOLO license plate (Because I'm tacky) Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date (Because I'm tacky) Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV (Because I'm tacky) Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they're free (Because I'm tacky) I get drunk at the bank And take off my shirt, at least (Because I'm tacky) I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased (Because I'm tacky) If I'm bit by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you (Because I'm tacky) If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too

[bisluthq]

Lets be real Taylor probably offered to pay for the suite and he was like nope. Can you imagine if Taylor paid? all the news article saying how he's cheap?

for all we know they went halvsies and she’s reimbursed part direct to him like how tf would we know? Why does it matter? Why do we care how they deal with their finances??? He absolutely CAN afford it. He can’t afford spending upwards of a mil daily (Taylor tbh can lol) but he can do a big splurge on his biggest night of the year.

Again, given I’m in a relationship with an income discrepancy (not that my bf has Travis money lol or even fwiw Joe Alwyn money but he earns well) I’ve had a lot of convos about shit like this. He does pay more in terms of bottom line. But like beyond my household contributions (groceries, utility share, some of the reno costs) that doesn’t mean I haven’t taken us on a weekend away (I did, to a nice place, and I paid for everything except petrol because we went in his car and yes he offered to go halvsies at least but I said no) or that I don’t pay for dinners out (I’m actually likelier to pay for nicer ones because he likes to go out like twice a week for a meal and that gets a bit steep for me but I’d still be going out if we weren’t together so if we go somewhere nice I tend to pay) or that I don’t pay for all takeouts (which we do in lieu of meals out some weeks or if we’re both busy because he hates like dealing with the apps or the delivery people so I just do it) or that I don’t cover most of our streaming subscriptions (I had them before we moved in so like I just pay those). Where we’ve gone away and he’s paid for it, I try cover the meals as much as possible (unless he beats me to the bill). At the end of the day, I’m still paying significantly less but it’s not like I’m not trying and it works for us.

I also feel the need to justify it a lot though and I’ve had friends - especially female friends actually - assume he pays a lot more than he does towards me because income and age gap. A friend of mine is having a big birthday this year and wants to do a weeklong girls’ trip and I was like “that sounds amazing but I can’t really swing it because I wasn’t working for part of last year” and she was like “but didn’t he give you money??” and I was like “not like an allowance lol” and then she was like “well just ask him to cover part” and I was like “I don’t feel comfortable doing that at all” and she got really pissy with me so idk I’m further relating to all of the dudes Taylor’s dating who obviously can’t afford all that she can and where obviously she’s gonna pay more but like that’s really none of our business and I don’t think any of them want a free ride.

Travis can afford to pay for this suite for one night in a whole year. It won’t financially destroy him. The house he bought, similarly, was a good investment since he’s still got to be in KC for a couple years at least and generally property appreciates so idk man. If he buys a private island just for them I’ll be like “Travis dude chill” but rn he seems to be acting quite sensibly and if they move in obviously it won’t be 50/50 - Taylor will pay more - but that doesn’t mean he won’t contribute as far as he can.