#she needs to meet more fucking trans ppl @

[fefairys]

on god psy is going to have a fat hairy transfem character you just have to be extremely patient

[cryptidspaz]

mm.

[tanadrin]

Imagine one day a new social trend starts spreading. It’s something unbelievably dumb. Not harmful per de, but truly silly to believe. Let’s say, I dunno, healing crystals start going mainstream. Everybody’s talking about their crystals. It becomes impolite to criticize people who believe in healing crystals. They become a big part of people’s personalities, and people on TV start talking about them, and one day years down the line politicians are debating funding for crystal-based medicine. And through it all you are sitting there going, what the fuck is happening. I thought we were all on the same page on this. You want to get along and be friendly and open minded but you cannot pretend to believe in healing crystals, this is nonsense, and when the topic comes up you refuse to lie about it. This eventually starts to have social consequences—they’re that popular!—but what can you do? You cannot pretend a lump of quartz can cure the flu or whatever. It’s just all so unbearably embarrassing.

I think what the centrist/liberal/center-left reactionary turn driven by culture war stuff feels like. And I think the key emotion is probably cringe. Not hate, not fear, though those emotions may reinforce the turn. I think in a lot of cases people who imagine themselves pretty open minded and flexible have as part of their worldview something they thought was bedrock social consensus—on the level of “healing crystals are silly woo”—so bedrock maybe that it didn’t even need to be a conceptual boundary they actually policed in their minds.

For instance, when she started her anti-trans turn, JK Rowling made a big show of not being really anti trans, just arguing that Some People Had Gone Too Far. She wasn’t a frothing religious reactionary, after all. And I believe that’s probably true! I think Rowling probably did have a mental model of sex and gender with a little bit of give in it—of the “we can humor the odd weirdo” type. But as the discussion of trans rights in the UK got more serious over her lifetime, trans people went from “the odd weirdo” to “a recognized minority,” and eventually this ran against a bedrock belief that on some level men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet. To act otherwise was just too embarrassing. And she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in the name of political correctness.

Other people whose brains have been eaten by the anti-woke mind virus (as @eightyonekilograms calls it) have something going of the contrarian in them, who enjoys yelling “up yours, woke moralists!” or w/e. Im thinking of ppl like Glenn Greenwald here, or Dave Chapelle, people who seem not to feel alive except when people are mad at them. That’s a separate but interesting dynamic. And there are people like Graham Linehan who become totally unhinged through this process of auto-radicalization, moths drawn ever closer to a particular source of validation within their chosen reactionary subcommunity, until they are truly parodies of themselves. That is also an important dynamic, but it’s one that only takes hold after the initial turn has begun.

I think the role of that feeling of cringe, that refusal to entertain an idea because it is too embarrassing (even if it does actually have a decent body of research behind it, unlike crystals) is important to think about, because I am interested in how to get people over it. I know that feeling has affected my own thinking over my lifetime. I wasn’t raised particularly conservative, but I had to learn not to cringe at a lot of feminist thought before I could appreciate it and learn from it. I explicitly didn’t have that cringe when it came to gay people for whatever reason, so it never entered my mind that it might be a problem. I remember being surprised to learn when I was very young that some boys wanted to marry other boys, but my response was “huh. Go figure.” Because for whatever reason I had not picked up that this was something I was supposed to be grossed out by. A general doctrine of empathy, of trying to understand people on their own terms, can help forestall some of this stuff, but it’s not foolproof in either direction—I don’t want to believe crystals have healing powers if it becomes socially popular to do so, just because it is socially popular to do so! And if they do, I don’t want to not believe they do just because it is socially unpopular!

(Obviously the crystals thing is not a one to one metaphor for the trans thing, so don’t read too much into that. Maybe astrology would have been a better analogy. Also I’m not talking just about people whose reactionary turn is predicated on trans issues—I think this dynamic applies to everything from gay rights to the Tridentine Mass. But trans issues are a handy example bc, as the adage goes, somebody posts once about trans people and they never post anything normal again. I think the classic rapid-onset trans derangement syndrome is closely tied to the fact that gender norms are a really deep element of many people’s social-consensus-based worldview, and so challenged to that worldview are felt as really cringe.)

I’m curious if other people who grew more liberal in their thinking over time had a similar experience of having to overcome what was basically a feeling of embarrassment at certain ideas.

[mister-mickey]

Sexuality headcanons

(Does not have anything to do with the ship hcs, these are my personal hcs. It’s more related to the twitter au but even then it’s not 100% the same)

Experience doesn’t necessarily mean sex, just like dating and such

Darry

- Cis and gay lol

- He likes guys that fight (Paul, tim)

- That’s why he liked football so much lolol

- Despite this he doesn’t have a lot of experience with other guys because he only dated girls in highschool

Soda

- Bisexual ofc. Also cis but very connected to fem side

- His type is uhh. Mean ppl. He hates to admit it though and makes excuses for his partner/crush

- “No Sandy isn’t cheating on me she just has lots of guy friends!” “Steve isn’t mean he’s just bitey!”

- Has experience with lots of different ppl because he’s so in demand so he’s good at flirting (charming handsome boy)

Pony

- Hm. Also bisexual because if taht obvious crush on cherry but also everyone else in the book lmao. Non-binary in a “I don’t give a fuck about my gender” way. Still he/him

- Doesn’t have a set type, it’s literally just anyone. He meets someone? Oh wow, new crush.

- It seems like he’s attracted to assholes, but it’s actually just because everyone around him is an asshole

- No experience, he’s 14 and kind of losery (I love him still, not pb hate)

Twobit

- Bisexual but leans towards girl, cis

- Canon that he likes blondes, so I bet he’s made out with dally at a party at least once.

- Marcia is an obvious exception to this and he doesn’t understand it. He jokes about her dying her hair blonde but he really does like her as is

- Lots of experience I’m sure. He’s funny and charming, I’d be surprised if he didn’t

Dally

- Bisexual but leans toward guys, cis

- Likes people that kick his ass (tim, Sylvia) honestly his type is just people that see him for who he is

- Tim and Sylvia are his toxic exes that he keeps going back to. He hates it but they really are some of the only people that he feels understand him

- He’s Dallas, im pretty sure Ponyboy mentioned him having tons of flings so he’s got experience.

Steve

- Gay, and I read a really good fic where he was ftm and it rearranged my brain so he’s trans now

- His type is pretty boys (soda) he’s mostly only ever had a crush on soda so it’s not like he’s explored his type lol

- He dated evie because she was friends with Sandy and he wanted to double date with soda and Sandy so he could watch them the entire time (jealous mf)

- Zero experience, he refused to even kiss evie and he never had the guts to even look at other guys

Johnny

- Hm. Gay and cis, but he seriously questioned his gender for a bit because he didn’t have much of a self concept and he couldn’t imagine himself at all. He decided to stop thinking about it because it stressed him out

- His type is people that he thinks are better than him (Dallas, for being tuffer, pony, for being smarter) he thinks that being around cool people will make him feel better about himself

- It doesn’t work, but he still likes to do it. Anyway, pony and dally still make him feel better in other ways because they think he’s so cool

- No experience, nobody ever flirts with him (or even notices him) except for Sylvia that one time. He thinks he’s ugly but honestly he just needs to put himself out there

Tim

- Gay and ftm (projecting lolll) very few people know because he was really young when he transed. Like when he was like 4 and his parents were like “hm okay whatever we don’t care anyway.” Also itty bitty titty committee so he doesn’t even have to bind (jealous)

- His type is literally just tough guys. That’s why he dated dallas and why he likes darry. They’re both tough and good at fighting.

- also dated Sylvia but only to make dally mad (and he regretted it because he realized immediately afterwards that he was definitely gay. Sylvia thought it was funny)

- Lots of experience but only with select people (people he can trust)

Angela

- Bisexual but doesn’t realize it lol, cis

- She likes traditionally masculine guys and traditionally feminine girls. Idk why but she likes it. Tbf it’s the sixties she wouldn’t be exposed to many fem guys and masc girls. Maybe she had a crush on Sylvia

- Dated bryon and actually really liked him for a bit. She broke up with him for pb but regretted it lmao.

- Bryon was her first bf so no real experience. Also tim chases any possible beaus away so she’s real unlucky

Curly

- Gay and cis, but too stupid to realize that he’s gay

- His type is any man ever. (Saw tuffponyboy’s post about how curly likes dally, bryon, and Sodapop and I committed it to my belief system)

- But he also likes pony. Maybe he even realizes and is like “omg I’m a homosexual 😧” and he doesn’t realize that everyone around him is also gay and wouldn’t judge him.

- Zero experience, gets no bitches, loser. Also he’s fifteen and he cares more about fighting than smooching

Mark

- Aromantic, asexual and ftm. Idk I feel like it fits him.

- Honestly he cares more about his friends and family than anything else. He literally sold drugs ti support his family (look where that got him)

- Has dated girls before but he hated it so much. Even tried kissing a guy at a party but decided that everyone else was crazy for enjoying this stuff

- A little bit of experience from before he decided that it all just wasn’t for him

Bryon

- Bisexual and cis

- His type is shorter than him (he likes to be tall and feel strong)

- He dated angela and Cathy, but he kissed curly at a party once (claimed it was because he was drunk and curly looks like angela but it’s not true he just thought curly was a cutie (even he’s super annoying))

- He mentioned being a ladies man so yeah he’s got experience.

Cathy

- Straight and cis, but a mega ally !!

- Her type is thoughtful and also big muscles

- She really thought bryon was perfect until he had his, err, mental breakdown and flipped out. It really hurt and she was so worried about him but he shut her out for months so she ended up moving on.

- Pretty sure bryon was her first bf? But she got with pb so she’s got a little bit of experience now

M&M

- I think gay and nb, and he doesn’t care about pronouns at all. He’s nonchalant like that

- Had a crush on mark lol. And Randy. He doesn’t date anyone because the only person he’s come out to is Cathy

- He thinks curly jumps him because he’s gay. Doesn’t realize its because he’s a hippie (curly is stupid but not homophobic)

- No experience, he’s like 13 and has never ever dated. Maybe he’s danced with someone at a school dance but he has no charm

Cherry

- Cishet ally

- Her type is canonly jerks. Very funny miss cherry.

- She dated bob, liked dally, in the series she liked Tim too. Why is she like this 💔

- A bit of experience, she dated bob after all.

Bob

- Bisexual in a homophobic way, cis

- Type is attractive rich people. He would never be attracted to a greaser, he’d rather jump off a cliff

- Dated cherry, likes Randy. He wants a very traditional future with a spouse and two children and he doesn’t think he can get that with a poor person for whatever reason. He also wants to be the “man” in the relationship.

- Lots of experience because he’s a whore I think. Flirts with most any rich person.

Marcia

- Cishet, doesn’t know that gay people are actually real. (When cherry told her she thought it was a joke)

- Type is funny lol. That’s why she likes twobit. I guess that means Randy is somewhat funny

- She actually isn’t that funny herself, she just likes to laugh.

- Very little experience. Randy was her first bf

Randy

- Gay and cis

- He likes bob. That’s it !

- He legit isn’t attracted to anyone else. After bob died he changed his entire ideology and became a hippie !! He was down bad. He doesn’t give a fuck about Marcia she’s just a girl to him

- Only has experience with Marcia and it’s not really the experience he wants because he is bobsexual

[the-autistic-gemini]

Hi, for my first real post, imma post my silly Maka hcs. There's a tad bit of spice in here, but it's mostly mild. Uhhh, enjoy!

• Bi bi bi! She strikes me as demiro and Demisexual and bi or pan (I'm not at all projecting fuck off) she's either a cis girl or a trans girl depending on my mood.

• For her body type and stuff she's above average height (like 5'6 or 5'7), but her limbs are so long and willowly she looks taller. Her torso is average size, and her legs are long. She's a petite with maybe a b cup chest and a tummy with a bit of chub at the bottom. She has toned muscular arms. Her skin is super soft, and bruises easy. She has scars she doesn't know the origin of and constantly has bruises around her knees.

• She totally asks pronouns anytime she meets someone (hers are she/her btw) she's all like "Hi! I'm Maka my pronouns are she/what are yours?

• She's so friendly and sweet when you first meet her then you slowly realize she has the personality a grumpy temperamental old cat

• She's a really good cook but her and soul take turns cooking and sometimes someone has to make the 3am microwave cup noodles of shame.

• After re-watching more of the show, my opinion changed bc its been a while. Still think she's a good cook but bitch has autism foods. Hates the texture of raw fish but doesn't mind it cooked. She's not really a big meat person. I think she considers going vegetarian or vegan a lot but A) soul loves meat and she doesn't want to have a moral delima and B) girl is a cheese lover and vegan cheese has a bad texture. She tried it once and wanted to spit it out. Super particular about texture. Seems like she's good at making and likes breakfast food. Mac and cheese and chicken nugget enthusiast.

• For drinks I feel like she's a water drinker but likes green tea (especially matcha I feel like her dad jokes about how Maka and matcha sound similar. She hates it) she also drinks orange or apple juice with breakfast. If she ever needs caffeine she'll drink Dr. Pepper or coffee with a small amount of cream and sugar.

• If we're talking alchohol she's not a big drinker (probs bc her dad) and never drank underage but while legal has like a glass of wine from time to time

• Mom friend in every sense of the word I feel like she consistently checks on blackstar and soul to make sure they are turning in their homework

• I feel she loves talking to strangers

• Shes such a hugger (unless she's mad at someone then she won't touch them for a week)

• Music taste hcs are so important to me, and I feel like most ppl get Maka wrong. Girl does not understand music she had to read a book to understand it; therefore, I think her music taste is odd and not stuff Soul is really into. Soul is happy she found music she likes but doesn't quite get why she likes it. I feel like she likes heavily electronic music, scenecore, and nightcore. Very upbeat stuff to help her stay alert and awake during study sessions. Most music sounds like noise to her, so it's not as off-putting to her as it is to some others.

• She falls asleep on the couch in the front room of her and souls apartment while studying a lot. Soul will see her and smile be he thinks she's cute. He'll pick her up and put her in her bed (if it's after they start dating He'll change her into night clothes)

• Speaking of night clothes she has matching pajama sets that are super soft materials or simple night gowns. She definitely sleeps in clothes most of the time I feel like she runs cold and she'd only be comfortable sleeping naked with soul A) bc she trusts him B) bc he's warm. Only reason she would not sleep naked with her other partner often is that bitch is cold

• Oh ya she's dating soul and crona btw. In my perfect little world. They have 2 completely different relationship dynamics.

• With Soul, she teases him and often shows irritation or frustration with him. I also feel like they are more intimate. She's not really soft or gentle with him she doesn't need to be they know eachothers limits and bodies and souls intuitively. They're essentially super close best friends who tease and bully eachother but also fuck. And that works for them. They didn't want anything to change their relationship when they started dating anyway .

• She's softer with Crona, it seems more like a romantic relationship in vibes. They cuddle a lot. I feel like they have self care days bc Maka is scared crona won't take care of themself on their own. Crona appreciates her doting. They never got to have a loving mom, so they love when Maka does their hair or paints her nails. They're soft. They have intimacy, but it's both less rough and less frequent than Soul and Maka. They both enjoy kissing and being soft and loving to each other.

• Maka is the leader in both her relationships. Her partners are passive she is more decisive and dominant.

• Soul and Crona don't date each other only Maka, but they will all hang out together and are good friends. They plan her birthdays together and are just kinda in eachothers corner, especially when it comes to Maka related stuff.

• I feel like tsubaki is her closet girl friend.

• Did I mention Maka has autism? No? Well, she does. I feel like she's diagnosed too

[nerves-nebula]

k im gonna be in my feelings about my race again so here we go

i sometimes worry that the way my mom raised me has made me permanently cut off from other black people, because she never seriously called us black. she was racist about a lot of stuff but she specifically insisted that if we wrote our race down on a form we would check both black and white, or just "other", or black, white, AND other.

i've talked about this before but i never referred to myself as black until i was about 15, maybe 16, so for the majority of my life i wasn't black i was just "mixed" and black americans were a group of people neither my mom nor my dad wanted me to be.

i still remember sitting in the gym and hearing some guy trying to tell his friend where he'd put his backpack or something, and he'd said it was next to "the black girl with long hair" and his friend stopped by ME and looked back for confirmation, before his friend told him he meant the other one further down. and idk how to explain this feeling.

cuz like, i was homeschooled, so i didnt even have the chance for other people to call me black. i only met the people my mom wanted me to meet until high school. ironically, it felt kind of like passing, which is absurd for two reasons:

the history of the word "passing" originates from (i believe, though i might be remembering wrong) black people who could "pass" as white deciding to do that and disengage from identifying as black. so the fact that i'm referring to it but like positively and in reference to how it feels as a trans person to get gendered correctly is kind of funny.

i am literally black. im not even so light skin/white featured that i could be mistaken for white i am LITERALLY VISIBLY A BLACK PERSON my dad is from NIGERIA

and yet!! i was relieved that someone else called me one unprompted because i was and still am sort of afraid that everyone else can tell i am Not Like Them. that i was raised to think i'm not like them. that i'm not Really Black, that I'm new at this cuz i only started calling myself black a few years ago. i know that my experiences are black american experiences because i'm a black american but i just. i worry that the opportunity to be a part of a black community will never happen!!!

but then i see my siblings. my younger brother is fully culturally a black american. he did a lot of sports growing up so he picked up a lot of black american subculture from the other kids there, and my oldest sister is getting more in touch with black communities too. they're like an activist and do politics and shit. i'm not sure what it is i need to do but i can see that it's possible i just need to fuckin!! talk to more black people!! go to black events!! but i can't because i'm an agoraphobic freak that doesn't go anywhere i don't HAVE to go!! and i feel like i don't belong with black people because i've had it drilled into me by my mom that i'm not one of them and i'm not black enough and it's laughable to call myself black.

but im not even sure if i can vent to black people about this cuz it sounds like i'm whining about having to be black or something that isnt a real problem but it really fucks with me sometimes it's like fucking race dysphoria or something (can't think of a better word for it sorry)

anyway the point is i'm fine i'll figure it out. i just need to keep trying. i try to find black people online and become painfully aware of the fact that i don't know how to find them and just have to keep searching shit like #black queer or #black artist until i find some ppl i wanna follow.

special circle in hell for ppl who give their kids racial complexes.

[glitterock]

i’ve seen some people claiming you’re a terf or at least friends(?) with a terf. is this true?

i’ve answered this before and i really don’t want to talk about it again because it’s super upsetting to me that people would even think that with 0 evidence but i’ll lay it all out one more time:

a friend of mine from irl also just so happens to have a blog. she accidentally reblogged a picture from an apparent terf on here and didn’t know. since then someone on here made a post about my friend saying that since this happened she must be a crypto terf and that since i know her, i must be a terf apologist or a terf myself. this post included absolutely no evidence that i hold terf ideals except for the fact that i simply know someone who accidentally reblogged a picture. since this person has a following and once someone in here is called a terf it sticks to them, now a large amount of people who know nothing about me and have no real facts to go off of are calling me a terf, telling my mutuals im a terf, and spreading a huge fucking nasty rumor about me.

for starters, my friend is not a terf. me and her are a part of the same irl community so i’ve seen her interact with trans people and trans women in our community as well as my friend group which consists of trans people and she’s nothing but kind. we also have had conversations about transness in the lesbian community so i know exactly what her morals and thoughts are on this particular topic and she isn’t a trans exclusionary person. she says she just doesn’t check where she reblogs things from as many of us do because we have lives and don’t have time to research every single username we reblog from. I am believing her because i know her actions in real life and my real life friendships and relationships are more important than what ppl i will never meet on the internet think of me.

i don’t want to have to prove myself because it feels fucking ridiculous and weird and performative to have to make a list of reasons why i’m not a terf but since people keep saying this about me:

i have trans femme friends, i have lived with trans femme roomates and currently live my my best friend who is a trans man, and a i have little cousin who i adore who is a trans woman. When my cousin came out i sent her a huge box full of old clothes, makeup, books about queerness and transness, buttons, accessories, etc. and my aunt called me crying saying what a huge difference it made. When i am out at queer events and see trans women who are are by themselves i always try to make a point of saying hi or complimenting their outfits so they feel a little less alone. When creating my zine, i knew that it would be imperative for me to include trans femme voices in it to create a proper narrative of the lesbian community because trans women are an important part of our community and i have nothing but respect and adoration for them. I always try and do my best to be a trans ally especially knowing the privilege i have as an afab femme in the lesbian community, and I have never once in my life held any terf ideals and never will because that is genuinely not how i am. it’s extremely extremely upsetting that people have stuck this label to me without knowing anything about me and especially without having any proof that i’ve ever said anything against trans women, trans people in general, and tbh i don’t even know anything about radical feminism.

the person who made that post also claimed i was friends with 2 people on here who are terfs, one of them being the person that said something along the lines of: “i would only fuck a femme but i could only be with butches” and it caused a huge fucking mess on here a few months ago. I need to make this extremely clear that we are no longer friends and haven’t been in over a year and have been no contact, again, for a year. i was in an absolutely terrible toxic sexual friendship with them that made me feel genuinely horrible about myself and I spent weeks in therapy trying to unpack it all, get over it, and get out of it. having this old friendship that was so awful for me being thrown in my face as if i’m still in it also is super upsetting for me.

if u want to see the post, im pretty sure the user that made it is meansweatydyke or something like that and im sure it’s still up so u can see for yourself. i want u to pay attention tho to the fact that nothing in their call out post actually pertains to my personal morals or thoughts and only is about my proximity to people who have mistreated me/ or have done things unknowingly. it’s super fucking irritating and upsetting. I am 100% on board for calling people out when their actions show that they are bad people, but i have made 0 actions that show this besides being guilty by association.

short answer: no i am not a terf, have never been a terf, and will never be a terf. it says that in my pinned post, and i always strive to uplift my trans friends and trans voices in the community with the platform i’ve made for myself online and in my zine. anyone who knows me knows i am not a terf.

id really love it if people would stop spreading this horrible fucking rumor about me and stop telling people i am a terf now with absolutely no evidence to back it up

[slimesaurian]

im gonna go on a rant in a sec. I'll try to cycle back and edit the top here to cw the post but if it takes too long and I forget or end up missing some im sorry

so a friend of mine just got outed to her ultra religious parents by her fucking shitty ex. it really fucking sucks and I so badly want to [redacted] the dude who did it. It especially sucks because like, I befriended this gal maybe a year into transition and she was still closeted/figuring stuff out at the time but would ask me some stuff about transition and I was happy to help. My first "baby trans" of being a woman who was out.

anyways her boyfriend seemed okay on twitter, tbh was always a bit annoying but then again who am I to judge. Our interactions were alright and it was just neat having some moots. Then twitter shat the bed and I made a lil friend server on discord for people I liked. I ended up sending a invite to both cuz they expressed interest and unfortunately the annoying vibes from boyf were correct. Dude would ping her in the server to get him to respond to their dms and say a buncha yikes things. I think he even mentioned being republican or smth which wasnt a hit in the "leftist tranny" discord server. Mostly he made peeps uncomfy but I was hesitant to give the boot to him because of his connection to someone I liked.

Then there was one point where I was in vc with him and baby trans messaged me saying "hey be careful with what you say around him" and then sent me a screenshot after he ended up going on a tirade against her for expressing interest in piercing her nipples at some point

1: bullshit lmao

2: very clearly controlling behavior and an implicit threat

at this point, i basically just stopped interacting with the dude in the server. I very much wanted to kick him, both from the server and irl but I was worried about escalating things and putting my friend in danger so I kinda just bit my tongue. eventually they broke up and I asked whether she'd like me to kick him or not and she told me she I didnt have to if I were comfy with him. I still didnt kick cuz I was worried about retaliation but my man was on thin ice, especially because I had just settled into a new place after fleeing a controlling man so I was not pleased with him.

Anyways then I made a joke about being gay in my sapphic tranny server and he was like "Wait, you like MEN????". Honestly, I had never felt like you could hear a pin drop in a digital space before. Anyways yeah I pulled out the boot after that.

Then dude was insistent on vc'ing me to "talk about what happened" and wouldnt stop messaging me trying to set up this call rather than just explain in text. Honestly I got the vibe this was intentional, I've had too many HR meetings to really buy that shit any more. I decided to entertain him just to get him off my back but then he kept pushing me so I eventually said I'll think about it. dude kept pushing and pushing me over text for updates for the next three days where I honestly just fucking ghosted him because of other life shit. Eventually I caved and told him to give me some space because I needed it and he went off about "Do you see how thats better than no response?" and then went on to talk about how "this issue isnt that big in the first place"

At that point I just never talked to him again. I figured his beef was with me and he has no leverage so I'm safe and hopefully baby trans is safe. Anyways fast forward half a year and god damn this girl has blossomed in the presence of other folks helping her through this stuff (if you end up reading this somehow, love you girl 💗). Unfortunately she learns that shitty ex has told ppl she cheated on him and thats why they broke up (girl absolutely has been too timid to pursue anything since, this is 100% a boldfaced lie. But gosh you rly should ask alex out already). She ends up making a very calm post clearing the air about how this isnt the case and she didnt feel safe around him due to the threat of being outed (above). No @'s, no names, just a simple post.

And then her dad gets a text talking about every little thing that could be used against her, from her caffeine addiction (lmfao) to her not rly being christian and eats weed gummies. Oh and, you know, she "wants to identify as a woman and have started taking drugs for hormone replacement therapy". As an aside, the text mentions she's "been dating a man for a year now" and "have sucked a couple of dicks". but who's dick i wonder 🤔. Also she's "never liked women and is attracted to penises" if this werent so fucking awful id be laughing my ass off.

The text ends with "I'd suggest confronting [deadname] about this since they're clearly out of your control and could learn a lesson about insubordination and respect". Not rly being subtle there bud. Anyways, me and my friends have spent all fucking day making sure our gal is safe and has a place to stay and are emotionally supporting her and I'm just so fucking angry. Her entire life has been uprooted, her autonomy violated, her existence endangered because this fucking prick decided he wants to be a petty motherfucker. For the record, she has temporary housing and is safe right now, but she's going to come out of this with such deep scars.

I think the worst part is, is that he's got a lot of trans women friends/mutuals. He was practically bragging about it in my server. Other trans womrn are in danger around this man and his vindictive rage but I dont have the energy to do anything more than try being there for my friend and help her through this. I'm just angry and sad and worried and tired. I hate this man. I hate people like him. I hate the fact that he will more than likely never face any sort of consequences for ruining someone else's life. I hate that society makes him feel comfortable where he is. I fucking hate.

I'm trying so hard to not succumb to hate and become this jaded feral beast but it's just so hard. its so hard seeing everyone i care about in this fucked up world get hurt over and over and over again. It's so hard seeing all this violence and pain and choosing to fight back with love. Every time someone i love is hurt it feels like a chunk of my flesh is taken along with it. a core of my being is robbed because I need to help. i need to be there. i need to counterract the world. but its not enough and itll never be enough and ill just wear myself thinner and thinner each day until all thats left is my bones bleaching in the sun. but what else can i do? the rabid dog gets put down. i just want to be safe and help my friends be safe and i want us all to live.

i dont know any more.

edit:

I think one of the worst parts is knowing that it's within my power to hurt him back. Like, he's told me the general area where he lives in the past and it's honestly not hard to narrow details down from there if you're dedicated. I could realistically make this fucker fear for his life. But then I'd be one of those radical violent transgenders who dared to bare her teeth at the society that uses and beats and breaks and kills her kind. I have to rise past it. I have to choke this rising bile in my throat back down and be a good girl for a chance to be granted the fucking right to live. I have to sit and feel my heart break and break and break and break and break every single day so some smug white boys won't ever have to experience the fear of god for the slightest moment.

[hellofears]

gender scary and unknown sexuality scary and unknown. idk jack shit. i just say hey queer and only recently i’ve been trying and just like starting to try and be like i’m afab. i am. that’s fine. what does that change. like i obviously don’t need to give my life fuckn story in my bio. i over think shit why r u yelling at me!!!!!!!!!!! i know u r 🫵.

idk when u live a life of i don’t feel like enough i care too much i care too little i’m too vulnerable i’m too open too forthcoming she’s mature but she’s too serious etc etc it’s like validation of yourself to yourself was never in question. i seek others to know when i’m enough of something. and it’s not like i’m being gucking outrageous pretending i’m a whole different ethnicity that i’m not. but it’s a self doubt of you have no reason to feel the way u feel and i just throw up my hands and like i try and have tried even without my knowledge all my fckning life to find when to stop and when to start from others when i counted and when i don’t and it’s a mess.

why would anyone be mad at me for saying i’m afab it’s ridiculous. then i’m like maybe it’s transphobia maybe it’s internal transphobia i’m iffy on that because i don’t like ‘picking’ something online or irl my life in person hasn’t changed at fuck all. i don’t call myself trans because i don’t know. i’ve been hesitant to talk about yk sex issues just what i’m feeling or my perspective just because i was like what if i seem like i’m talking about something i don’t know jack about what if i sound like,, oh no……. 😱 animal crossing noise emote thing, a cis white straight man joining a conversation with a sense of superiority and knowledge/inner secret and true meaning that only he knows👨 yeah that’s the simpson guy with the moustache. just decided. in one case it’s like you can just put it clear anyway is it that serious and i’m like ik but then i feel the need to be like guys…… i’m sorry to disappoint like, not even maybe some but i’m sorry for what i have done. i have not disclosed about my lack of dick at birth. it has hurt the fans they are crying choking throwing up the whole thing. 🤕

me “what if i don’t know enough 🥺 what if i don’t have enough to share what if it’s a conversation i should sit for”

also me “GIRL BITCH. you lived 18 years a girl and still perceive that way plus you have 0 any real substantial social changes to this day other than discussing it with fam and therapists etc even then not completely. u lived it and are living it” LOOPS. HOPPING LOOPS SOMEHOW c l a w i n g my way back up water slides like bitch get down! idk. i think i always think i’m out the loop and i’ve always got more to learn or to give, my biggest mistake was ever thinking my personhood stops at others word of mouth. That my life my experience changes at all just because some fucker with a big capital S or a car as a pfp user held the belief i don’t meet criteria needed for the way i am the way i feel, if i really feel lost or not. it was like i was scared to out myself or smth and it’s like for what???? idk. i think it comes down to being reckless probably, immaturity.

Intrusively it’s like i feel so small and i always just like connecting with ppl is hard feeling understood is hard not even those just like feeling like life isn’t being lived in alone. That there’s no one to check the world with its hard. Sense of self is so shit i’ve felt alien i feel like a shithead sometimes who’s off the wall and i think there’s a lot of work endless it feels like for me to do. i need to cement that yk what it’s everyone’s world. i have to live in it. i live here too. i deserve say. and that’s that!

sos if this is a lot cause it is here

🛟——————⚓️🛳️ HONK HONK GET IN

[sl33pyperson]

the history of my ocs isnt interesting to anyone but me but i love sitting and lookin at my kids, thinking of what they were n what they mightve been

min-kyung literally started out as a happy go lucky baker, now instead shes dating one asgdgddh

shout out to me in science realising identical twins are, well, Identical, thus meaning milos trans now sorry i dont make the rules. holy shit milo is ALSO like. a different version of what wouldve been old min-kyungs love interest. rip kelp

completely killing off bo bc my bestest friend said he looked like a mix of markiplier and jackseptieye when i was trying to redesign him. mincy if ur reading this ilu for that, it actually really made kai n katsuos story more tight n better lol

katsuo has not fucking changed tbh. kai got a missing leg in the bo divorce tho

feel kinda bad for rikku, their hair changes everytime bc i forget how its meant to be augh, also have really ignored growing them and their lil friend group. kon is the same age creation wise, and they both just. didnt feel like People? oh ones angry one wants to fly the end. so i made kon autistic lol have a part of me and go research cats my love

GODS even the fact that like. half of them started out as neopets…. that number is growing less the more i make but i am holding my kids in the palm of my hand

WAIT natash was like. a super cool assassin/killer/fighter type at the very start. that 100% went to min-kyung LOL

this doesnt even include like. the fact all my ocs n stories i started making super young, so the natural growth of “oh it just makes senses if ur trans/gay, congrats u are now” “i hate love triangles why did i do this, yall poly now”

even just general character relationships which have grown like jett/cecelia and vin+viktor…. or realising how connected everyone should be with knowing each other (thus MORE relationships, viktor+saros, jason+alistar, listen throwing in a bunch of ppl into a band was the best idea of my life)

really fucking doubt ill ever make a coherent story with anyone. its super easy to pick out even just duos to write about (kendra n emery are always spinning in my brain, kats n kais breakout, coral n saros first meeting, gods dont get me started with kishi) but nothing is actually fleshed out, just basic scenes and ideas of what the start and end is. i still love my lil kids tho, rly need to draw them more often.

[troglobite]

no better time than 6 fucking am to just be hit with how utterly, crushingly lonely you are

how even friends that you love are moving on w their lives without you

you’re not a priority, and you can’t make them one bc they have other more important things

how even ppl you thought were safe to be around can say something so casually hurtful that’s not even about you but it hurts. and you don’t realize until it’s 5:30 and you’re trying to sleep. 

amazing that having met w 2 friends today and meeting w a different one in 5 hrs, i feel so utterly, pathetically alone. 

i feel like i’m cutting tiny portions of myself off to hand to other ppl to make friendships and keep communication open sometimes

but i just

i stayed up too late reading. i was gonna go to sleep 3 hrs ago. and instead i stayed up late reading.

and it was probably a mistake. i really enjoyed it but it just hurt. bc it was this beautiful prose abt ppl who had built lives for themselves by age 30. who had friends who could see all these pieces of them without it needing to be said. who could understand each other. who still did say things, but didn’t always need to say the small things. who felt safe in disagreements and discomfort. 

who weren’t alone. 

and i loved it and it hurt my stomach all the way down to my pelvis the way some emotions hit me. and i’m just sad. 

i don’t feel like anyone actually knows or understands me. i do my best to do that w or for others. 

and part of the problem is that i simply don’t trust anyone enough to be myself and part of that is that i’m tired of handing myself to someone only for them to go “oh. no thanks.”

i’m tired of being alone. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of only mattering in pieces. i’m tired of not having energy for people, and them never having the time or energy for me. 

i’m tired of having to be someone else around/with everyone i talk to. and “everyone” sure is doing a lot of heavy lifting that isn’t accurate.

the number of ppl i talk to w any frequency right now: 7

it’s usually more like 4 or 5. i’ve had an unprecedented uptick in communication from a few people. 

the number of ppl that i feel like i can be 1000000% of myself around, whether or not it has anything to do with them: 1

and i don’t know if it’s reciprocal. 

i didn’t budget or plan for or anticipate a complete fucking meltdown at 6 am, sorry

oh i guess i could count my therapist for a whopping 8, bc i talk to her once a week. and then 2 bc the whole point is to be myself in therapy. 

my life is nothing that i wanted right now

i’m almost 30 and i barely have friends. i don’t have a life. i have no marketable skills. i’m on medicaid bc i can’t find a job, and even if i did, it would pay me nowhere near even half a livable wage. 

i’m so tired and miserable and i just can’t take any of this anymore. 

trying just HURTS because NO ONE i know is in the same situation as me. and that sounds so egotistical and pathetic. 

but i just mean

idfk what i mean

no one gets it and i guess it’s unfair and stupid to want someone to get it about everything

maybe it’s me

maybe i’m broken and fucked up

i wish i could kill my past

every day without even trying i just don’t think abt who i used to me, i’m just living in the now and recent past and thinking abt that

and i just wish past me didn’t exist and i didn’t have to carry them around w me all the fucking time

idek how to articulate what’s WRONG right now i just HURT i hurt so much i feel sick and i can’t stop crying

i guess i’ll just take an anti-anxiety thing and shove it back down to get a whopping 4 hours of sleep before i have to pretend to be fine again in front of someone i’ve “known” for 16 years who’s going out without masks, whose whole current drama and life struggle is about this woman she loves and who loves her

every time i just have to try and accept that people have been awful to be bc i’m short and fat and mexican and queer and trans and autistic

i just see other ppl who share these traits who don’t share the bullshit i went through or am going through

or who are in loving relationships

or have so many friends

or who are so successful

and i just want to die

what is WRONG with me? why is it like this for me, why am i like this?

i just want to know what’s so fucking unlovable about me bc i wasn’t 

i wasn’t always this pathetic in this way

but my stupid fucking life is just and has just not been that fucking awful

why am i so weak?

and i can’t just SAY this to people. to the people who are my friends. that i’m supposed to trust. 

you can’t just DUMP taht on someone.

which is why i just bullshit it into the void on here for ppl to choose whether they read or engage or not.

i know it’m annoying and pathetic. i put it under read mores. you know what this is, you can (and should) scroll right past without reading. i know most ppl do. and good. i’m not trying to manipulate or guilt anyone into this. 

i need to be out of my own head with this stuff like i’m explaining it to someone else bc if it’s a journal or a diary i get sick of my own bullshit too fast and i know what i’m going to say before i type it so it’s pointless

i’m just sorry

i feel like i have to justify everything

i don’t want to hurt anyone--at least not due to negligence. accident, it happens. 

i have so many plushies now. and my new one that i can’t let go of. it just feels so sad and pathetic. holding them all the time. 

i’m 27, almost 28, i’ve never dated, i’ve never been myself in any friendship. idk who myself is bc i’m so twisted around and busted. and i’m so afraid. constantly. and i feel. insane. with fear and with seeing so many people i cared abt just. not. care. about any of this anymore.

and there’s nothing i can do to fix it. 

i wish i had gone to sleep 3 hours ago like i had planned to. i’ve been tired this whole time. my eyes burning. 

all i know abt myself is that i can never shut up or leave well enough alone. idk what close relationships look like. idk how to be a person. i can’t do this. i can’t carry this. i’m so tired of burying how i feel and biting my tongue or choosing anger bc it hurts less and fades quicker. i’m tired of losing track of time and days. i’m tired of being a disappointment. i’m tired of being disappointed. 

i should take a fucking anti anxiety thing and go to sleep and stop. bothering everyone. i’m going to be a mess when i have to talk to my friend in a few hours on like no sleep and puffy eyes and i’m going to have to help her manage her traumas and feelings and other sundry bullshit (not derogatory) so that she stops getting herself hurt bc if i’m being given the power to help then i have to take it. if i don’t then i’m letting her get hurt. i will have done nothing. 

i’ve already spent weeks and hours and thousands of words via IG DMs. she couldn’t be there for me when i needed her. she doesn’t pay attn to where i am in my life. she’s trying to figure out who i am but doesn’t listen to me when i try to tell her. 

she acts like i’m always putting myself down.

i’m not. i don’t. i try not to.

i’m just stating facts about who i am and what my life is. 

and if that feels like i’m insulting myself then you’re just making me feel even worse bc my life is apparently so pathetic it sounds like an insult.

no, i’m not qualified for that job you sent. i’m flattered you thought of me and i appreciate it, but i’m not qualified.

no, i’m not selling myself short. i know ppl in the industry and i know it takes more than what i have. it would take years to be anywhere near capable of being ready for that position--and it’s not even in an area that i would want to pursue. 

but pushing back and pushing back against that as if i’m insulting myself

and i just keep

“by then i’ll be hotter than the cheerleaders [because i’ll be thinner]” and “you’re not fat!” and her fucking ex-girlfriend making fun of fat americans while my mom and i fed her pizza that we paid for. her paranoia about fitness and thinness and how she sucks her stomach in in all of her pictures. 

all of the ways i am made to feel shame for who i am right now. it’s alien to them, to everyone. 

i don’t have. a social life. i barely have friends. and the ones i have just. say things. 

and i feel ungrateful, or cruel, or judgmental, like i’m holding people to impossible standards that they can never meet.

and maybe i am. bc why would i ever trust anyone. 

i don’t want to deal w my stupid fucking inner child, the pathetic kid who was weak and clueless and who no one actually liked. 

i was just amusing. or they could cheat off of me. or i was convenient. 

or i did things for them, emotionally. i supported them. we had jokes and fun.

but it was never anything more--not for me. not towards me. 

i’m so good at not needing anything and no one ever seems to complain.

and then when they do and i take them up on it and try to change my behavior it just doesn’t go well.

i’m perpetually too much. 

just look at all this fucking bullshit i’ve typed out after telling myself to just take a pill and go to sleep. TWICE. 

i don’t like knowing what loneliness feels like. it’s so crushing and all-consuming. i’ve already been here before. i never wanted to be here again, but somehow worse. 

bc i’ve worked so hard. to get better. to build things up. to have a life. and i failed. just like i fail at most things.

imagine changing your expectations and goals in life so many times, continuously making them less and less ambitious, and still managing to fail and fall short. imagine. well, i’ve done it. i’ve managed it. and i hate it. 

“everyone’s afraid of rejection, but you just have to push through”

i’ve known almost nothing except rejection for all of my 27, almost 28, years of living. i’m tired. i had gotten over it, i thought i was stronger and could move on bc it wasn’t always rejections. 

then grad school happened and the pandemic happened and it just became rejections all over again, implicit and explicit. 

when will anyone else take responsibility for everything so it’s not my fucking job to have to deal w everything myself, entirely alone?

and all of this bullshit. isn’t. enough. i cannot. go to other people w this. why would i? why sympathy would they have for any of this? pathetic. weak. i’m so tired.

[the-amalgam-house]

Not that I have any respect left for my aunt (on my mom's side, who cheated on my uncle who's from my dad's side) but I GUESS I can see where her resentment of my grandmother and my uncle's deep love and loyalty to his mother comes from?

My mom and her siblings lost their mom when I was about 4 years old. This was well before any of my oldest younger cousins were born, and the oldest on my mom's side after me and my siblings are from the aforementioned aunt and uncle. They, like my brother, never got to meet my maternal grandmother.

My aunt I think has unhealed trauma from losing her mom that she projected on the relationship between her husband and HIS mom. I could be wrong as I'm not a therapist, but she has been angry about her husband being a "mama's boy" despite how well he loved his wife and kids and his loyalty and generosity etc. My aunt wanted to be unequivocally The First in his life and somehow felt that continuing to have such a close relationship with his mom meant she was second? Prob a misattribution of her hurt feelings over not having that same relationship with her own mom.

So many years of marriage and three kids later (the youngest of which isn't yet 18) she decided to cheat on him, and when the other man ended up injured in a card incident, she had to come clean that she's going to go see this man because they're dating or some such.

Now my uncle is just waiting for his son to turn 18 and then he's divorcing her. Which is great good for him for knowing his worth.

This is the same aunt that misgendered a famous trans woman repeatedly in conversation with me until I angrily came out as trans to her on Facebook, who always had a holier-than-thou pious self righteous complex, told my mom (who is older than her) that she wasn't allowed to wear a mini skirt, said that ppl on food stamps are mooching off her tax dollars just cause she saw ONE family pack their ebt bought food into a bmw, and then tried to backtrack when I mentioned that my wife and I have had to rely on food stamps on more than one occasion, accused our church of idol worship because there was a small decorative statue of a Native American in the hallway, refused to enter a family function for thanksgiving/my dad's birthday and kept her father from attending and meeting his great grandkids as well (legit they just stayed outside when my uncle and his kids and everything were inside having a good time with my niblings and everyone there), and is constantly, CONSTANTLY judging other people for absolutely petty insignificant reasons. Like. I do not like her.

She is my mom's baby sister tho, and as much as I dislike her, my mom still absolutely loves her. I get it, and she does see how her sister fucks up on the regular and is disappointed, but still loves her all the same. So I begrudgingly continue to be civil and kind if and whenever we need to interact. I was taught to be polite to people, to give respect. And as much as betrayal of any kind is the absolute bane of my very being and cheaters get ZERO remorse from me, I do it for my sweet tiny Mami.

But fuck that aunt tho. Let all the karma come raining down on her. Fuck you.

[fubukiswifenoimnotjoking]

One Punch Man ship reviews bc I’m bored

WARNING: BIG ONE PUNCH MAN WEBCOMIC AND MANGA SPOILERS

GenoSai: do I even have to say it?? They compliment each other so well and are already besties. They make me so happy and I love their love. Genos literally came into Saitama’s life and brought so much new life and excitement when Saitama thought he’d never get any. Genos gives him love and appreciation all the time and never abandons him. Saitama isn’t connected to his feelings, but he cares about Genos and would do just about anything for him, to keep him safe. Genos constantly teases Saitama and Saitama grumbles and takes it with some banter, Genos is super emotional and Saitama does his best to comfort him, they fucking love shopping together and just hanging out period, they talk about the dumbest shit and somehow they still understand each other with the one brain cell they both share. It takes Genos forever to realize his feelings are deeper and Saitama has to be TOLD by their friends that he should fucking realize his feelings already. Just...I could keep going but I’ll stop! 2718873737839439/10 (let’s not talk about the age gap btw, 6 years isn’t bad and Genos is a legal adult.)

FubuSai: the stereotypical straight ship ppl gravitate to. Eh. I can see it, but at the same time I feel like they don’t completely compliment each other. Are they a hot couple? Duh. But I feel like their pride and communication issues would get in the way. 4/10

TatsuSai: hnghhhh. Someone mentioned this before, can’t remember who, but Saitama literally thinks she’s a child in canon. So that just....makes it gross. Same problems as FubuSai but worse. I’d rather see them as hesitant friends w a weird bond. 0/10

SonSai/SonicSai/idk the ship name: eh, toxic. Cant see them getting past communication issues and pride, again. Plus Sonic wants to kill his ass. Also, I just feel no romantic tension?? Even in fanfic it just falls flat for me. 3/10

MumenSai: a favorite!! Wish I saw it more, it’s very cute. Mumen is so kind and would absolutely be there to help him w self esteem and just help him be a better person period. And Saitama would have a cute little kind guy to tease and open up to. I could maybe see Mumen’s kindness getting on Saitama’s nerves when he’s in a bad mood bc Mumen almost never snaps and Saitama feels shittier, or maybe Mumen being mad at Saitama for being kinda lazy at home while Mumen is working his ass off and he’s like babe I just got home, please stop playing the fucking game and pay attention to me I have a concussion again. Prob too nitpicky on this one, heh, but 8.4/10

Genos x Sonic: wtf? As a crack ship, sure. That’s hilarious. But as a serious ship, 1.3/10 bc I could MAYBE see them bond over their love of my chemical romance or sum.

Anyone x Puri: -128382839287473828739219833468282/10. Fuck Puri.

TatsuKing: eh. Indifferent on this one too. I can see them getting along and Tatsu being the mean but supportive gf in public, but a sweet gf in private. King could be like her calm oasis of video games and sweet blonde shy bf. I sway more towards ace/aro King and queer non binary Tatsu, but this is still good. 6/10

FubuPsy/Fubuki x Psykos/idk: hell yeah!! This series NEEDS more wlw ships, both for me to project onto and to cry over. Prob my fav Fubuki ship, cuz they’ve known each other since they were young and had a tenuous friendship. I didn’t use to ship it until I saw that scene in the wc after the MA arc (u know the one) but here we are. They’re big personalities so any interaction is bound to be chaotic at first, but I really think they’d work. Pride put to the side, Psykos could be someone for Fubuki to finally rely on other than the Blizzard Bunch, someone to confide in, a badass partner to fight monsters with, talk about nothing for hours with, be a super fashionable #girlboss couple with, and someone who would really see her for who she is-especially w Psykos knowledge of her from the past. Hell, Psykos might even know her better than Tatsumaki. Fubuki could be an anchor to her like she currently is in the wc, providing a quiet comfort and making her open up little by little. Would prob be toxic at first bc of the MA arc and their desire for power, but is a very good ship I think. 9/10

Speedal/Sonic x Mumen: an old fav! Sonic would have a hard time not hating Mumen at first bc he’s the picture definition of a hero, sum he hates. But hanging out with him would show him Mumen is a GOOD guy genuinely and he’d be like ohhhh shit I’m in love w this man. Mumen would thoroughly appreciate someone to make him live a little, break some rules and stand up to ppl when they talk over him. He’d DEFINITELY be upset when finding out Sonic is an assassin, but would prob be conflicted bc he knows Sonic is a good person despite that. Would prob make Sonic give up on killing for them to be together. Sucks bc of the assassin thing and bc they haven’t met in canon! So we’re not sure how they’d interact with each other, sigh. 7.4/10

Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: a very underrated ship! To be clear, I headcanon Kama as a trans woman and so does most of the fandom. Anyway, very sweet and already built as a friendship bc of their partnership under Atomic Samurai. I can’t remember who writes fic and makes art of them on tumblr but AAAAA it’s so good! Very sweet. Basically depicted Bushi as a nervous himbo who’s honest about his feelings but scared to say them and Kama as a sweet lady who’s crazy about Bushi. Very sweet. Want more of them!! 6.1/10

OneZon/Zombieman x One Shotter: never even thought of the ship till I saw @megidolan art work! Very wholesome, and from what little we know of Shotter we know he’s a sort of nervous yet strong willed guy, and Zombieman would totally help him calm down bc he’s so chill. I could see them sharing cigarettes and talking shit on heroes while cuddling u know? 7/10 only because I don’t see enough of it but very good concept.

Mumarou/Mumen x Garou: a lot of ppl are gonna hate me for this but....I don’t like it. I’ve tried! I just—idk. I’ve read so many good fics about them that make me like it a bit, but the concept is just eh. I think their relationship is, in most reps, really cliche angsty stuff. I wish I could elaborate I just...gah! Basically, there’s better ships for the both of them imo. Sorry!! 4.3/10

Sonic x Flashy/SonFlash: yes!! Prob my fav Sonic ship. They have soooo much tension, it’s almost worse than Genos’ tension w Saitama. Flashy LITERALLY poisoned Sonic so that he wouldn’t be forced to kill him at the ninja graduation. He cares. They’ll never say it out loud, but they care. They have someone who understands what they went through in each other and someone they’re both so similar to, yet so different from. Sonic is more vocal about his expressions and let’s people know it while Flashy often keeps things to himself, they could really influence the other to be more this or that. I could see a lot of comfort with these two, and not much is needed for relationship development; they already have so much unspoken between them after meeting for the first time in years. Love it. Wish I saw it more! 10/11

KingSai: wonderful! Out of the few ppl Saitama is close to, def my second fav pick for a ship for him. There’s a post saying how Saitama doesn’t cut King off when he’s going on rants about games and stuff bc he’s talking TO Saitama, not at him like Genos tends to do on accident. They’re already great buddies! Saitama could find a shy gamer man who he can talk to about manga and stuff and also a passionate bf who could break out of his shell w Saitama and be himself with no lies. King can have someone to protect him, duh, someone who finally understands his weird sense of humor, and someone to shower him in the love and kindness he deserves when Saitama is in the mood to be all out like that w his affections. Plus he’s Saitama’s anchor and brings him back down when he’s super anxious and depressed and tells him what’s up that he needs to fix without sugarcoating it. Would def have a bunch of inside jokes and go on dates that are just staying inside playing video games all night. Domestic af. 10/10

Fubuki x Mizuki: my first wlw Fubuki ship! Hard to find but very good. Mizuki is this big ball of kindness, energy, and raw power that would make Fubuki go ‘Ohhhhhhh, big pretty lady make brain go brrr.’ I could see Mizuki grounding Fubuki when she’s in over her head, giving her random gifts bc she saw sum and thought of her, doing a marathon run and wildly waving at Fubuki in the crowd, and all around being a dependable woman confident in herself and in love with a mysterious esper. Prob a little shy when it comes to anything physical bc she loves Fubuki so much and is overwhelmed by the realness of being w her. Fubuki gives Mizuki advice on ‘acting like a proper hero’ or whatever and though Mizuki thinks she doesn’t need it, Fubuki still helps her a lot w her career and being taken more seriously by others. Would give Mizuki someone who loves her for who she is and would go wild on her in private when she can be open about her affection, would be someone Mizuki could exercise with and listen intently to Mizuki’s physical knowledge, and would absolutely bandage her when she’s all banged up. Hnghh love this ship. It’s only behind the FubuPsy ship juuuuust a little bc they haven’t met in canon so we can’t be sure about their interactions and stuff. 8.8/10, I love WOMEN

Batarou: how could I go this far without mentioning them?! They have SOOOO much tension in the centichoro fight, like come on. Both snarky assholes who are huge softies one the inside, Badd being the more logical one (still a himbo, tho) and Garou being the more chaotic one. Probably take forever to admit their feelings bc they’re so prideful and stupid <3 flirt through constant wrestling matches and it takes Genos saying ‘they should kiss already, they’re getting on his nerves’ for them to finally realize what’s up. (@rayadraws has a great au where Garou Genos and Badd are a chaotic friend squad and Genos is the only brain of the group, haha. Very good au y’all check it out!) Would constantly pick on each other affectionately and switch into concerned SO when the other is hurt like the big teddy bears they are. Raise Zenko together for sure. Garou would fumble being romantic and Badd would find it both hilarious and cute. 11/12

Zombie mask/Amai x Zombieman:

So. I don’t like Amai Mask and I used to hate him, BUT the webcomic and fic have really helped me calm down on him (he’s still a dick tho), so it’s easier to want to ship him and stuff. Bc of Amai’s anger issues and controlling behavior, I could see this relationship being super toxic and icky—but I think they have some form of understanding that pulls Amai back from being a complete dick, you know? Start off as fuck buddies and slowly form something else from spending companionable time together other than screwing. Zombieman pulls Amai back from his angry fits and soothes him over with his logic. Talk maaaaaad shit about heroes, but only when they’re alone because Zombieman knows Amai will talk loud af about the heroes they’re roasting and Zombie doesn’t wanna stop a fight from happening. Zombieman loves making Amai flustered and has a secret check list in his head of all the things that get Amai red faced. Loves to listen to Amai rant about things for hours and loves to watch his face go through almost cartoon like expressions as he talks. He won’t admit it, but Zombie loves to be spoiled by Amai’s shit tons of cash and often takes rides in Amai’s limos when he wants to smoke and think to himself. Amai has a hard time realizing how his feelings have changed, but gets hit hard with it when he wakes up to Zombie making them breakfast one morning while wearing Amai’s underwear. Amai also loves to spoil Zombie and takes him out to restaurants and buys him cool new weapons on the weekends. @batneko has pretty much gotten me into this ship and I strongly suggest looking at their works! 7.9/10

DemonKnight/Genos x Zero/Drive Knight: I’m pretty sure this used to be a crack ship before the past like 10 manga chapters—and now here we are! Not a fav bc 1. ZERO LEFT GENOS TO SELF DESTRUCT AFTER THEY COMBINED TO FORM THE FUCKING JET HE WAS JUST LIKE lol bye SO LIKE if he left him to die that’s super hard for me to forgive and ship grrr 2. Disregarding the manga’s canon and looking at the wc, while I love the little trip they went on where Zero demonstrated his abilities and helped Genos kill monsters, it’s super sus. He knew alllll of this info on Metal Knight and was super supportive and understanding when Genos said he needed time to think. Like,,,what are his intentions? We know so little about him—is he trying to trick Genos or was he being sincere? THAT STUFF ASIDE, they’re a really fun ship. They’re both huge fucking nerds and can keep up with their talk on robotics for hours, they’re both cyborgs so they understand each other’s pain, and they’re both super cool and angsty. I think they could really settle into a deep bond that can go platonic or romantic, just depends. Genos needs more ppl in his life so hell yeah! Plus, he can really let go with Zero bc they don’t have that teacher/student relationship and Zero, if he’s really a sincere and kind guy like in the wc, can be there for Genos and listen to him. Don’t have much to say on this ship other than @wellthisisembarrassing makes GORGEOUS art of them! 6.3/10

Webuiko/Suiko x Webigaza: YEAH I KNOW THEY HAVENT INTERACTED IN CANON AND WE DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THEM BUT HEAR ME OUT. Webigaza—cool af determined cyborg idol who’s surprisingly down to earth when talking with Child Emperor. Suiko—sassy and honest fighter who doesn’t take shit and is very passionate. Suiko would go to talk to Web then immediately freak out bc aaaa she’s way prettier than she thought, she can’t do this! Web would have to gently encourage Suiko to talk and at first is like ‘ah man, must be an adoring fan, ugh I’m so tired. At least she’s hot’ but when Suiko snaps out of her shyness Web is like oh! She’s super cool wtf. Always bump into each other during fights and help each other get fixed up, Suiko using her muscle power to lift Web’s pieces (and give Web a great view of Suiko’s muscles holy SHIT) and Web would patch Suiko up. Not to be stereotypical, but they’re def a masc/femme couple. I love the idea of this ship soooo much and I really hope they interact! 6.6/10 only bc they haven’t met 😭😭😭 look them up on here! There’s some great art of them by a few blogs

Dr. Kuseno x Bang: pretty sure @baldyborg came up with this one! Super cute. Just two old dudes finding a nice friendship in each other, maybe after Bang helps carry Genos to Kuseno’s after a day of fighting. Bang would find Kuseno to be a very cute little nerd man and would be sooo impressed by Kuseno’s mad scientist skills. Kuseno would be super impressed when seeing Bang in action too. They’d prob talk as soon as they meet each other and Genos would be in the background like you guys it’s been an hour, please fix me I’m on the verge of death 🧍🏻Bang would give Kuseno advice on training techniques to teach Genos and advice on making his bodies more martial arts ready or sum, meanwhile Kuseno would give his take on how to be kinder to Garou so that Bang would learn to repair the relationship with a gentleness he’s seemingly lacking (yes I’m talking about the chapter where he and Garou start fighting and Bang is just not doing enough to reach out to Garou, he’s being a callous old man! So yeah I’m still mad about that). Genos and Saitama would prob be out on a date and Saitama would be like oh theres Bang, wonder what he’s doing? Then Kuseno would walk up and kiss Bang and Genos and Sai would be shocked like SIRS 👬 Genos would tell Bang he doesn’t need another adoptive dad and Bang would be like....ok.... I see them retiring in a cottage together and Bang would become a huge softie. Yes I’m actively ignoring chapter 141 of the wc, shut up. 7.6/10

TankTop master x Mumen: they have a nice friendship going on in the manga right now! Just bros supporting bros. Tank is the picture definition of a muscly himbo and Mumen is his cute passionate bf. Also workout buddies af!! Don’t have much to say other than pretty good ship, just not a fav. 5.2/10

To sum it up—

GenoSai: 2718873737839439/10, Batarou: 11/12, SonFlash: 10/11, KingSai: 10/10, FubuPsy: 9/10, Fubuki x Mizuki: 8.8/10, MumenSai: 8.4/10, ZombieMask: 7.9/10, Dr. Kuseno x Bang: 7.6/10, Speedal: 7.4/10, OneZon: 7/10, Webuiko: 6.6/10, DemonKnight: 6.3/10, Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: 6.1/10, TatsuKing: 6/10, TankTop Master x Mumen: 5.2/10, Mumarou: 4.3/10, FubuSai: 4/10, SonSai: 3/10, Genos x Sonic: 1.3/10, TatsuSai: 0/10, anyone x Puri: -1283828319833468282/10

If there’s any ships I left out, it’s bc I don’t know them, don’t wanna talk about them, or just don’t have an opinion strong enough. Also, I know there are some poly ships like Genos x Saitama x Fubuki, but I’ve read only one fic about that (it was pretty good, here’s the link https://archiveofourown.org/works/5406992 ) so I don’t feel like talking about it. Hope no ones offended! All my opinion here :)

[succubratty]

So far, so good: my journey getting more involved with my kinks and sexuality

CW: fart kink/mention of kinks in general/personal

I found this old long-ass writing about my journey through this kink, I'm going to turn 28 this Saturday, and I feel kind of old because most of my mutuals and people I follow in this community are just starting their 20s.

I don't know if this can be of any help or just entertaining to read, just wanted to share it. 🥰

When I realized I had this fetish, I was in such denial because I felt like a double freak or something. After all, I also have a scat kink.

I found out during my adolescence, and I always felt terrible about it; even when I turned 18 giving space to my sexual stuff was always hard for me.

When I came out as a transgirl at 22, the sexual stuff also came out, so I decided to give it a shot and express my fart fetish (and other sex-related stuff).

I created a secondary Tumblr account to meet with people, this was back in 2016, and the fart fetish community back then was so broad. 

I've met many friendly people and was so happy to finally talk openly about it.

I did some sexting for the first time and a bunch of stuff that was very new to me; talking with ppl from other countries with the same fetish as you is so cool.

So months passed, and some girls really wanted to meet me, and I was so excited; I did some skype sessions and tried my best to speak good English. 😅 

So here it is when the sad part begins; I only did skype meetings because most of these girls lived in the USA, and I'm from Chile. 😭

Until this day, I've never met a girl from my country that has this fetish; Chilean people tend to be super conservative with their sex life, and talking about regular vanilla sex is too much, even scandalous.

I started virtual sex work, too, because I was so broke. 

I made some customs, mostly scat and pee, and the payment was reasonable.

It helped me save money for my HRT and other medical expenses and made me feel good about myself.

I always have been insecure about my body; being a chubby trans girl experiencing dysmorphia and dysphoria simultaneously, it's never a good combo. 

Doing this helped me work on my self-esteem; I was also going through a big depressive crisis.

I was thrilled to express my sexuality, but the funny thing Is that during that time, I was still a big virgin, and I have never dated a girl before, I had never kissed a girl before, and so on and so forth.

I tried tinder and all kinds of dating apps. 

The frustrating thing about those apps is that they were so f*cking binary, like they didn't have more options than "male" or "female."

Anyways dating was always hard as fuck for me, and coming out didn't make it easier; I had many bad angsty moments, tons of transphobia, and all kinds of shitty stuff.

I was really discouraged from everything and was ready to quit, but in 2017, I started chatting with a girl.

She was from my country, followed my fetish Tumblr account, and did virtual sex work, too, her content was more BDSM oriented than anything, so we matched very quickly.

After a couple months of talking, she asked me on an IRL date; I was so blushed; I had never been asked on a date before; on the dating apps, I just meet with someone after uni or work, and we see if it worked or not, it was like that, at least for me.

Since the first date, I wanted to be super honest, I told her about my fart fetish, and she laughed, "I know, dummy, I see the stuff you reblog on your Tumblr; we are mutuals, remember?" 

I blushed but always needed to double-check things because anxiety kills me.

She was super cool about it; after I told her that, she gave me a face of relief and added, "It's so good because I fart a lot, and I don't want to hold my farts during our dates" we both laughed a lot.

On our first date, we went to see a movie; we barely watched it because she kissed me with so much enthusiasm, and I was like, holy shit, my first kiss EVER, and they were so many in a row with so much intensity. 🙈

Welp, five years later, she is now my fiancé. 🥰

She's not into this kink per se, she doesn't get turned on by my farts, but I can fart around her; it took me like six months, but I finally could do it.

She gets so turned on indulging me with her farts during our regular dates, especially during sex.

Non-consent farting over someone turns me off, so If I fart in front of her, it doesn't turn me on.

We've talked about searching for a girl/femme-aligned person who could be interested in being our play partner/friend with my fetishes, someone who wants to worship my ass and eat my farts out. 🤭

Our relationship is open in many ways, but I love her with my life; she's my best friend, my partner in crime, my everything.

I'm eager to find some play partners and make a stinky mess together. 🙈

And that's my story.

If you read this till the end, thank you so much!

I appreciate it a lot. 🥰

SuccuBratty 💖

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ur take on a malec beauty and the beast au please

ugh you got me in a difficult position here because on the one hand, i do love the idea of a beauty and the beast malec au. i just think the idea of a socially isolated person who thinks themself/is perceived as monstruous and who has locked away their heart and doesn't believe they could ever be loved fits magnus like a glove. but on the other hand, i don't want to make magnus, a brown character, animalistic, for obvious reasons. and i can't really think of a way to make him monstruous that doesn't fall into animalization/beastification (both racist tropes) or ableist tropes

so i'm thinking... maybe the spell is just that people are repulsed by him/fear him automatically? like it just creates this horrible almost impossible to ignore repulsive/fear/"fight or flight activating" aura around him for absolutely no reason and makes ppl be repulsed and/or hate him. even if it doesn't change his appearance at all. it's not really a changing or shifting spell, more like a spell of hatred

which like.... i know doesn't sound like anything poc/queer people don't already go through but there is a main difference which is that it makes it impossible to find a community. like even other brown and queer people look at him and feel this... huge disgust and even fear and might even hide and so the isolation is absolutely total and it fucking hurts. and besides it is one thing (a very bad thing) to walk around and have to be on constant alert because you never know if someone is going to be violent, and have to deal with occasional comments and disgusted reactions... it's another to consistently have like, children screaming and people cowering 100% of the time without exception, you know? he's basically living the life ppl with social anxiety think they live and he has nowhere to turn to, no one who understands or who's more likely to actually want to talk to him because of his differences. there's no one to lean on. even the people who love him aren't immune to it, even if of course they are not turning their backs on him

so anyway here are my thoughts: this was totally done by camille lol beacuse the whole backstory about being mean to an elderly lady doesn't fit magnus anyway and also i just like sprinkling camille angst where i can. so after magnus finally got himself free of her and her stupid claws she hexxed him back into isolation. both as punishment (a kinda "if you don't want me, then you have no one" logic) and just to make him more vulnerable because again, abusers want you alone and isolated and away from a support network so you are more dependant on them and more likely to buy into their thwarped logic if they can immerse you in it. so she's just trying to manipulate him into getting back with her, because she wants him and most of all his power

and basically you know the drill, if he doesn't find anyone who will love him romantically until the rose withers yada yada he will die. and again she just wants to make the spell so it constantly drives home how alone he is and how he can't find anyone who will love him (except for her), and make it so he's more and more likely to come back to her as time goes by because then the spell will be broken

(sidenote: camille obviously doesn't actually love him, because anyone who does that to someone doesn't love them. but as the one who cast the spell, she can lift it whenever she wants. so all she has to do is kiss him and lift the spell and be like "see, magnus? who else would love you like this, but me? even after all these years?". and honestly if it had come to that magnus would know she was lying because there is no way this is love, none. but anyway it doesn't come to that, that's just what her plan is)

anyway it still doesn't work because magnus is done and he won't get back to her, and he particularly doesn't want to get back with her after, you know, all this trashfire. and he just sets his jaw and is like "fine" and accepts that he will live however long he still has with his friends and people he loves and away from her, basically

and like gosh sidenote but this would have been so painful for his friends. camille very deliberately made it romantic love because she knows magnus has so many fucking people who love him, but him and the immortal squad have found family dynamics, not romantic ones. so there is nothing they can do even though their love for magnus is just... so real and pure and they hate to see him like this, hate to know that right when he finally got rid of her she made sure he still couldn't go out in the world. especially since magnus has always been so damn sociable, loved to be surrounded by people and to meet them and care for them. but here he is, walking as hidden as he can and with his head down avoiding eye contact because he knows the horror is there and some children run away screaming when they see him

and i just picture this desperate little scene with raphael in particular where he's just like.... "i'll try to kiss you. we have to try" and magnus is all, "my boy, you don't even like kissing, and she was very adamant that it had to be romantic" and raphael is almost in tears like "but i do love you, goddamn it! i should be able to undo this spell" and it's so sweet that he's trying and willing to be in this really awkward position where he kisses (yikes) magnus (which is just weird especially since magnus is kind of a father figure to him) because he's just... so desperate to have him free of her, finally, once and for all, you know?

but obviously it doesn't work, not even with dot, who had a kinda fling with him in the past but doesn't really feel Romantic Love™ for him even though she does love him, it's just... not what the spell requires. and it's unfair as hell and there are lots of tears but just the fact that magnus falls asleep surrounded in a teary cuddle pile after some of the absolute worst kisses of his life because his friends/family love him enough to put themselves in such an uncomfortable position in the hopes of making him free, is enough to make him feel a little better. and the fact that they are still there for him and obviously still love him so fiercely even though looking at him now literally evokes fight or flight instincts in them is already more than anything camille could ever give him. if anything, she's proven how loved magnus is

and that helps him get through it that day and is something he tries to hold unto in the worst days, but still, it's hard and it just... sucks. it's tiring to go out in the street and always have people staring at you and to see the horror in their faces and be so isolated and never really know what might happen, if he will be attacked or harrassed or what exactly will happen. so he isolates himself more and more and soon the only people who ever see him or visit him are his friends. and fuck, do they hate seeing him like this

things settle in a weird kind of way. magnus is still living his life and working as a wizard and etc and in a way the spell even helps him have some more credibility because you know, isolated scary person is kinda what ppl expect from wizards. but he avoids having contact at all costs and mostly sends the potions they request and stuff their way, and the only ppl he sees are his friends unless he absolutely can't avoid going outside. and he's fucking miserable. and every once in a while camille will come back to be like "so, magnus, are you ready to stop with this little tantrum of yours and come back to me now? how is the rose doing, by the way?" because god forbid he catches a break

also it turns out that magnus' adoptive streak becomes even stronger because he is 1- extra lonely; and 2- empathizing more than ever with the outcasts. don't get me wrong, he always has, he's a fucking brown, bi trans man for fuck's sake. we all see ourselves in the stray dogs and lonely people one way or another. but now this is turned up to a thousand, so, you know

so he has one (1) extra kind of contact in his life which is basically with stray animals (particularly cats cuz u know, this is magnus) that he finds around in need of help. they can all leave if they want, but a lot of them stay, particularly the black cats, disabled animals, and others that have a particularly hostile environment outside. you know

(not me again with my very specific hcs about deaf pitbulls who fall in love with my faves but LOOK pitbulls are very sweet and caring animals who don't deserve the fame of monsters that they have and if the idea of one being best friend's with magnus and them having a loving and caring relationship doesn't appeal to you then idk what the fuck to tell you)

this of course doesn't help his image cuz this guy is just going there and collecting black cats and snakes and has a huge pitbull around with him at all times but it's not like it can get any worse so magnus doesn't care, and besides, he can't just leave them out to die in the cold and harrassment of middle ages white ppl who think black cats are the worst possible thing but rats carrying deadly diseases are fine (and look, i know rats are also animals that get a lot of shit and persecution, but like, seriously, clean the streets)

and every once in a while there will be a person in need too, like a homeless person in need of a place to stay or some sick person who has been abandoned or something of the sort, so magnus brings them in as well and cares for them as well as he can, but also tries to maintain minimal contact because he's been burned too many times, okay

so like, cue alec! i know in the original BATB belle ended up with the beast to save her father's life but fuck that. i lowkey consider making it "izzy ran away from home so alec comes after her and they both end up staying with magnus" but i think i like it better if it's just alec who decided to leave. like he's done with the abuse both towards him and his sister and he wants to be able to live his life even if he's gonna have to start over in some other village all alone. anywhere but here and all that

and of course alec used to be plenty rich and he has a lot of skills that help him pass by - he's a good archer and hunter, he's a good leader and organizer so he could do wonders for a failing business, he's smart and cunning - but he also has, like, 2 gold coins to his name. maybe some more from stuff he took from home and sold, but still

initially he is living at a tavern and i guess i'm making simon, raphael, and maia tavern owners again! i don't even care anymore, it suits them. rapha is the cook and the three of them run the business and simon also makes musical appearances during dinners every once in a while, and they are living the happy queer polyamorous life of their dreams. we have no choice but to stan

anyway alec is staying with them and he becomes friends with i think maia in particular since, you know, she is the one with the most contact with the customers since rapha is in the kitchen and simon is up the stage most of the time. plus they are both the same brand of bastard and they have an easy understanding between them that just works

and look! simon, raphael, and maia are 3 trans, non-christian/non-white (unnecessary addendum: the concept of whiteness didn't exist until around the 17th century, but whiteness as a concept came basically as a substitute for christianity [link to source], so i'm counting the fact that simon is jewish and raphael and maia are not culturally european as equivalent to non-whiteness in this context) people, so it's not like they would ever kick a gay man running from an abusive home out. but you know what they also are? magnus' friends. and after a while of talking to him maia thinks he is trustworthy enough for them to send magnus' way, because magnus needs as many friends as possible. plus, he wouldn't kick a person in need out, so unlike with them magnus can't really push this newcomer away so he'd have more company. plus, the possibility that he might fall in love with magnus and undo the stupid spell is there, i'm just saying! i'm not saying it WILL happen but why not give it a fucking shot?

raphael in particular is of course super protective of magnus and he swears to god that if this guy gives him half a bad look raphael will end him, which earns him some pats on the shoulder for his troubles and "rapha, we don't want magnus to be hurt either"s. maia says that she's been assessing him for quite a while now and she's pretty positive that he won't be terrible to magnus, but if she's wrong, she'll kill him personally too. and rapha trusts maia. how could he not? she's maia

so, they send alec magnus' way. "i'm sorry alec, but we are struggling to make ends meet *hides gigantic gold stash* and the tavern is packed *raphael upstairs stomps at maximum speed to make it seem like their 13 empty rooms upstairs actually have people* and we really need your room to give to this customer *simon in a wig* BUT we have a friend who we're sure will give you shelter if you ask, it's not very far away, and once we have a free room we will let you know". and alec is just like, okay, because he's been staying there for free or considerably less than the usual fee/in exchange for some stuff he hunts for quite a while now, and they are nice, so it's not like he can complain

and they don't tell him about the spell exactly because it is not their story to tell but they do let him know what to expect re: magnus' vibes and say it's a spell. and alec's like ok i guess. alec's very practical, he doesn't really care, and it's not like it's the guy's fault anyway. which is exactly why maia is sending alec there

so they send magnus a heads up ("magnus this guy is HOMELESS and we are SOOOOO packed can you please give him shelter for a little while thx xoxo"). alec arrives there a while later carrying like 3 prime rabbits he has hunted as a thank you gift because he hates being dependant on people but it's not like jobs abound in the middle ages, and he is actually a little embarrassed to go in and ask this guy he doesn't know for shelter but he IS kinda desperate. for now

anyway he is standing there with his 3 rabbits debating whether or not to knock on the door and magnus just opens it magically like "i know you're there, dear, just come in" so alec does and awkwardly presents him the rabbits and shit and is all "thanks for letting me stay, uh. i can help you with food and taking care of the house and stuff" even though, you know, magnus has magic and doesn't need it

(and magnus appreciates it deeply, because it is tiring to do it all magically on his own but most non-magical people don't even consider that)

and like... it is very awkward at first because magnus does NOT trust at all and he mostly just wants to keep away from anyone who can... look at him. but they ARE living together (oh my god they were roommates!! just kidding they each have their own room but you get it) so it's inevitable. but like magnus' insecurity makes him keep to himself for long times and makes things awkward, kinda like how the initial days with the beast and belle the beast was rude and kinda shitty except magnus is not shitty, just... private

and maybe the subject even comes up like "thanks for the meal alec. i'll go eat it in my room" "i mean, you could eat here if you want" "and ruin your appetite? no thank you" and alec is just like "*shrug* it won't ruin my appetite. unless you are my parents, the concept of failure, or some girl wanting me to marry her, i don't think there's a lot the spell can do to make me scared. besides, you literally have a kitten on top of your head right now and you refuse to remove it and are using a spell to keep her from jostling when you move" "her name is Fluffy, and she is sleeping!" "right, my bad" "wait did you say the concept of failure?" "yea"

it's not that the spell doesn't work on alec; it does, just like it works on his friends. but he is willing to go beyond that initial repulsive reaction that he knows is illogical anyway (and alec is the kind of guy who is just like "if my feelings aren't logical, i don't listen to them" which in this case is useful lmao). and the thing is that once you get to know magnus there is nothing about him that is scary, and the feeling just becomes completely ignorable, because humans are nothing if not adaptable. but most people don't want to go through the trouble to try, and magnus himself doesn't want to let himself be vulnerable enough to give them a chance because there IS a great chance that he will be met with some level of aggression, even if it's an unintentional microaggression

and eventually they grow closer and build trust. i think this happens particularly when camille steps in for one of her regularly schedule shoving-it-in-magnus'-face visits and alec is just like. "hey why don't you just use magic to keep her away?" and magnus realizes that he never even THOUGHT of that and like, jesus, how much has he been unconsciously torturing himself? so he does it, and he ends up telling alec about the story of the spell, which might be the first time he's told someone that didn't know him before the spell was cast

(alec: "so she's basically just killing you slowly?" magnus: "don't be silly, alexander. torturing me first is the most important part". and he sounds self deprecating and almost resigned and god alec feels murderous)

ohh but wait bonus: magnus says that she will only undo the spell if he gets back with her, he doesn't mention that it technically can be undone by romantic love or whatever bullshit's going on because he doesn't believe it can happen anyway, so, who cares

anyway! time goes by. fun fact: alec and magnus get along really fucking well. magnus is so so smart and knowledgeable and he shows alec many of his inventions that never got to see the light of day or that were stolen by someone else who wasn't cursed and took all the credit. he also fascinates alec with his magic, but mostly with his personality. there's something just endlessly endearing about this guy who is so fucking proud of his puns and so so nice and gentle to every creature he encounters, be it a kitten or a pitbull, who's letting alec stay with him for no reason other than that alec needs it

and alec is so goddamn appreciative of it because like he IS and we stan! and he's always trying to give back to magnus which is kind of a rarity, but most of all he's also extremely funny beneath the whole no-bullshit attitude, he's caring and fierce and resourceful and strong (so's magnus) and they click so well. they can also talk about their similar experiences with like, abuse and trauma without making it super heavy and they're just,,, so supportive of each other. so like yeah surprise surprise they fall in love

but they don't really say anything because (on magnus' part) that's just fucking ridiculous, he's a monster; and (on alec's part) he will put magnus is a way too uncomfortable position if magnus doesn't like him that way and they will just... be living together. and magnus will feel like he has to compensate to alec somehow and alec doesn't want that. it's just complicated when one of them is dependant on the other, and besides, alec has had very little to offer magnus so far

(no, he has no idea how much his company means to magnus and has brighted his depressed ass life. he is stupid)

sometimes magnus' friends visit and they're always just so happy for him, to see how he's hanging out more and let someone into his life after so long. it earns him a lot of forehead kisses and "i'm so happy to see you like this". and over time he starts to invite them over more as well as just open up back to the people in his life :')

angsty but also kind of fluffy sidenote: i picture that every time they kiss his forehead or cheek or whatever they linger for a little while and then open their eyes slowly and sigh like "i had been hoping that it would work this time. magnus, you know i love you, right?" and magnus is all like "i know just from you saying that, darling. it's just not how the spell works" and aaa

and like to be extra clear im not saying that alec fixes him or romantic love heals him or whatever, just that having let someone in, someone who didn't know him before the spell, and have them completely accept him and realize how much he had been missing out re: touch and human contact helps him realize how much he misses his friends and how pushing them away is stupid when they've never been anything if not supportive of him. they don't care that he's cursed. and obviously magnus was already on the way to that if he even managed to let alec in anyway

anyway! dramatic healing scene. LOOK. usually i'd be all for "they don't change back actually because people don't have to look beautiful to be lovable". like the original BATB disappointed me sooo badly because i had just been hoping that he'd stay the same way and still be loved. but in this case it's not that magnus doesn't look beautiful! it's that the spell has made him be hated by people for no reason other than existing. and breaking the spell is not changing magnus himself, it's changing that hatred. so, yeah. i'm not saying it's a deep metaphor or anything, just, you know daudhasdja it's different from the usual monster thing

and i'm torn here because on the one hand i LOVE the drama of the original BATB where everyone decides to gather to kill the beast and belle saves him and shit, but idk if it fits with the vibe ive been building here. no actually @ me shut the fuck up. you know how i mentioned that they kick camille out with magic finally? i actually had no intentions of following through with this in any way but like of COURSE she would be absolutely pissed out of her mind and want to get back in some way, we already know she's vindictive. so i'm gonna use that. this is what neil gailman meant when he said that writing is just making a rough draft and then writing it again but like it's on purpose this time

anyway! so after they yeet her camille is obviously furious and fuming and it might have finally dawned on her that magnus will NOT fucking cave and she is losing power over him, not gaining it. so she decides to play a last card and get him to almost die so he kind of HAS to take her bid, you know? so she makes up some shit about how magnus has kidnapped the lightwood heir and she's only now hearing about it, and no one else is safe and yada yada. and she has "proof" because alec IS indeed there and again the spell just helps everyone easily agree with her that magnus is That Kind Of Guy or whatever, and middle ages ppl weren't exactly waiting for a good enough reason to grab their pitchforks. and they don't even KNOW about the spell, really. all they know is that he's very powerful, secluded, and they all fear and almost hate him just from one look

so camille makes up some bullshit story about how he made a deal with the devil to become extra powerful, and that the source of his powers is the rose, so they have to get rid of the rose to kill him. (sidenote: i never understood why the hell the rose was never used as a weakness against the beast. like was he keeping it super guarded and safe just for the fucking shits?) so they devise an attack so someone can sneak up and get the rose, and camille makes up some bullshit story about how they have to destroy the rose a specific way so it takes longer and she has time to manipulate magnus before he dies. man, it's easy to be a villain when your target is secluded

anyway! big attack at magnus' house. magnus' friends don't hear about it until it's too late because camille knows exactly who they are and warned them that they were on "the witch's" side. alec is maybe away hunting when it happens? camille obviously has magic in this AU so she can check for that information. maybe she even says that she will be the one responsible for finding the lightwood heir so there is minimal risk of him revealing that she lied lmao

oh no, violence! they battle and yada yada. catarina is probably the first one to realize what is happening because i figure she, madzie, and dot are the ones who live closest to magnus'. they send fire messages and get ragnor, simon, maia, raphael, and meliorn to help. oh yeah, and alec i genuinely forgot trust me to forget about romance in a romance-focused au. but alec is the only one of them without any magical resources and he's far away and on foot, so he's gonna be the last to get there, which camille had been counting on

but alec or no alec, they can keep the attackers at bay because they're all powerful and smart and shit and a lot of them have magic as opposed to the mundanes who don't, but of course that's mostly because they are holding off on attacking and the invasion is mostly a distraction because their PLAN is to use the rose. and camille tells them all to leave once the petal puckering starts so she can "protect them from any lashouts" (have her big villain speech). and it's not like any of magnus' friends is gonna leave to go after them when magnus is dying, bUT they also won't attack camille because she's his only hope. and they won't be able to get to stop the rose plucking in time because that's in another room and while she made it slower than something that the person can use to kill him in a second it's also not slow enough for them to get there on time (maybe there's a spell against magic use near where magnus keeps the rose? just for extra safety, so the ones with magic can't portal there or whatever)

anyway. big villain speech. magnus screams in pain every time a new petal is plucked. his friends are either running to the rose thing desperately or trying to get camille to stop this madness, she's going to kill him for fuck's sake. i don't know which chooses to do what so you can figure that out i guess. and for that extra drama, right when the last petal was going to be plucked, wee woo alec lightwood arrives! and he went straight for the rose because magnus had told him about it and he figured that there was a good chance the attackers might go for it. so he shoots the person's leg or something and gets them away from the rose and yay, day saved! mostly. because now there is only one petal left to fall before magnus dies, so at the very least, his lifespan has been shortened considerably. also, he is still in pain

i'm torn about what happens to camille then. on the one hand, i love killing camille! bonding activities for the whole family. on the other, she kinda is the only one who can save him now. they all know magnus won't want to get back with her, but hey, it's not like camille wants a relationship! she wants magnus to be her asset. a relationship was just the best way to get him to do that she had initially. but magnus doesn't want to cave and be dependant of her, so, you know. but maybe they can try to convince her to stop this fucking madness, god knows how

so okay yeah no camille-killing yet because they don't want to jeopardize magnus' safety, so she just leaves convinced that either way, she wins, and this might be the best possible scenario actually because magnus will have lots of times to think it over and be real desperate and come to her and strike a deal. so, yay her! she just needs to lie to the mundanes that the mission was successful or whatever, and it's not like that's gonna be hard because magnus won't want to be seen there again, so

we are all running to check up on magnus now. he's kinda like, on the ground coughing blood, but he'll live for as long as the last rose doesn't fall. still, they all settle on trying to help him, getting him in bed, tending to his wounds, etc. and thinking about what the fuck they are all going to do now. so you have raphael and maia making magnus soup, simon running his mouth as he throws around ideas on how they can fix this, ragnor, cat, dot, and madzie (who is here now that the danger is over ofc) checking and rechecking magnus' vitals for the billionth time and trying to figure out how much time they have, meliorn using their fae powers to stop his pain. and madzie is all snuggled in bed with magnus holding his hand and asking if he wants her to tell him a bedtime story, and magnus just... feels cared for and loved

alec meanwhile i think would tell what ACTUALLY happened to the person who was doing the rose thing - i actually have thought about it and think it might make sense for it to be luke. just because i love him and it kinda fits the whole "initially sided with shadowhunters, lately became a downworlder" thing. and like luke genuinely believed he was saving a person/people so alec brings him in too and magnus is all "catarina, dear, can you help heal his leg? i would, but i don't think i have enough magic right now" because he is the sweetest man immediately wanting to help the guy who almost killed him. and luke is in awe

(and alec brings him on purpose, too, because he knows that anyone who actually talks to magnus for a little while will see what an amazing person he is. and he hopes that luke, as a mundane, can tell the others that and turn them against camille)

and after that, of course, alec sits down by magnus' side and Does Not Leave. he's just there holding his hand and talking to him and magnus' friends, who are all also kind of. sitting there, trying to snuggle up in a gigantic pile of like 10 ppl to cuddle close to magnus and make sure he feels loved and cared for and that they know he is real. madzie gets special privileges in that sense because she's smaller and also a kid, so she gets to be kinda snuggled up with him. so alec has to be content with holding magnus' hand lmao (which he is, he's just happy that he's alive and okay. and he has a whole plan to get camille to undo the spell, mostly involving getting the mundanes against her and telling her that she is only safe for as long as magnus lives, because once he dies, she will have a bunch of ppl who will hunt her down to the faces of the earth to make her pay for what she did to him. the only reason they didn't do that yet is because she can still save magnus' live, so is she really going to let him die knowing that she will be next?)

so alec takes his hand and tells magnus that they will fix this, he promises, and give a little kiss on magnus' hand. just a little peck, no deep intentions, but magnus gasps a little because he feels something, and his eyes water a little bit because he's so touch starved and tired and hurt and alec kissed his hand and he can feel this kind of ache inside him, somehow a good ache, but he just can't explain it. and so alec notices his watery eyes and he very tenderly wipes his tears away and tells him that they're all on his side, will always be, and kisses him on the forehead. and this kiss? this kiss is full of adoration and love and purpose, and magnus gasps and the wounds that hadn't been healed suddenly mend together, and the petals that had fallen go back to the rose before it disappears in a beautiful flash of light, and suddenly magnus' magic is back full force and he just looks at himself for a second, and everyone erupts into joy because holy shit, the spell is broken

and alec is so confused because again! he didn't kNOW about the whole true love's kiss thing or he would have asked magnus to let him kiss him as soon as he learnt about his feelings, because even if magnus didn't feel the same way, alec could undo the spell. and he's like "why the hell didn't you tell me?? we could have fixed this months ago" and magnus is like "i didn't think it would make a difference. wait, you're in love with me? have been for months?" and alec is like "first of all, yes. second of all, i have nothing else to say, i just said 'first of all' because i was so indignant"

and magnus laughs and jumps on him and kisses him on the mouth this time and they are both smiling and laughing into it and so so happy. and raphael is kind of just peppering kisses on maia's face too, like, "you were right, he undid the spell, thank you" and maia was never sure that this would happen but she will take the credit actually please and thank you

and they all live happily ever after and kill camille together the end i guess. god this post was so long i'm so sorry