#she was in a relationship with buck (bc how else would she have gotten that published so fast LMAO) and then also another montage

[ice-sculptures]

OH OKAY SLEEPOVER TIME. umm. would u rather.....have bucktaylor endgame and for buck and eddie's friendship slowly drift apart.... OR for buck to die in eddie's arms and taylor is never heard from again. sorry love u

hey spencer you are evil for both of these BUT the mere idea of buck and eddie's friendship slowly drifting apart is fr my worst nightmare so give me the dramatic death scene any day!! i'd readily take one of them dying and haunting the other one for life shaunajackie style if the alternative is the two of them becoming strangers. and if it's ANYTHING like the shooting or the well collapse i just know that ryan & oliver would kill it and i would eat every second of it up 🙏🏼

it's a sleepover!!

[momowoah]

To add to the seemingly endless list of Chenford/Buddie parallels: both couples had moments before they dated (and before they even truly realized their feelings) in which they opened themselves to the possibility of that relationship and truly considered moving forward with it for the first time. (aka 7x01 is to Buddie what 3x14 is to Chenford) (long-ish post)

In the S3 finale of The Rookie, Lucy and Tim are finally out of their T.O.-Boot relationship, which opens up the possibility of them having something beyond that. Lucy even acknowledges that in 3x09 when she fake confesses her feelings for Tim in order to prove she can handle UC work. Even though the confession wasn't serious, it did bring up the fact that it could've been; Tim specifically actually had to consider how he'd respond to Lucy actually having feelings for him, since he believed her. This whole ordeal resurfaces in 3x14, first when Lucy flirts with him while UC, and later when they talk at the wedding, the first time both of them manifest being interested in each other and in pursuing a relationship. Lucy breaks away from Grey and Nyla to go talk to him (and they exchange looks over it); Tim checks her out; they bring up the flirting; Tim asks Lucy to save him a dance. It feels like they crossed a line, it feels like it's going somewhere, and it probably would've if not for all that happened after. 4x01 basically confirms that by showing both Lucy and Tim laying in bed(/couch), wondering whether or not to get up and go towards each other after a hug and an almost kiss. Although the show never acknowledges what would've happened if either of them had gotten up (and we know at least Lucy would've, because she was getting up when Tim interrupted her), it is heavily implied that during those two episodes they were interested in each other, but it ultimately led to nowhere (at the time).

(Unrelated kinda but we can also establish a parallel between Chenford and mid S2 Madney here. Jackson's death ruined what they could've had back then, but they still managed to have something else.)

(Btw this paragraph will be a little chaotic and I'm too lazy to reread it and organize it sorry but I swear it makes sense) We get this kind of subconscious-ish realization of feelings and openness to a possible relationship with Buddie too. For Buck, that happens in S7. I can't find that interview again for the life of me but remember when OS mentioned a few weeks ago that Buck felt something when he thought Eddie and Marisol had split up in 7x01? I think that was the moment when he finally opened himself to the possibility of dating Eddie (even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing). He had broken up with Natalia after he had realized that their relationship would always be about his death rather than his life and was actively trying to understand how he had changed since dying (if we go by his 6b plot). I think the fact that Eddie was missing from his coma dream is specifically significant for this reason. Eddie was the one major relationship in his life that Buck didn't confront during the coma. He was absent, because Buck wasn't ready to deal with what he meant to him yet. By S7, we see Buck way more open to dealing with his feelings, evidenced by the fact that he finally figured out his bisexuality and by how light that whole plot was/is. Buck was ready to deal with it, even if subconsciously, and I think a part of that was him finally opening himself up to the possibility of Eddie. His vibes in the locker room in 7x01 are a lot like Tim in 3x14 - he wasn't overtly flirting, but he was trying to take that step forward, willing to take that step forward, and only didn't bc Eddie told him he was still with Marisol. Unlike Tim, though, I don't think he has fully closed that door yet. He's redirecting these feelings to Tommy for now, but he's still there with Eddie. He just needs some time to figure it out.

When it comes to Eddie, I think this moment came much earlier and lasted a lot longer. His feelings finally came close enough to the surface (even if they didn't surface completely) when he got shot. In that moment, he reached for Buck, and he never truly stopped. He broke up with his girlfriend really soon after that; he avoided going on dates; he pulled Buck closer to his family life (s5/6 domestic Buddie my beloved) (also by revealing the will); he actually pretty much took Buck out on a date. Eddie was moving towards a romantic relationship for almost two years, completely open to dating Buck, until the cemetery scene. Buck thinks he's finally found his place with Natalia, and Eddie decides to stop pursuing him because he realizes (wrongly in my opinion but shhhh) that he'll never be able to be that person to Buck, because Buck has yet to realize that Eddie does see him and that Eddie sees him all the time. However, he resumes his pursuit in 7x01, because Buck breaks up with Natalia, and that means that Eddie still has a chance. Even Buck's relationship with Tommy points towards it, because it means Buck can feel like that about a man. So Eddie pulls Buck back into his family life by asking for advice and help with Christopher (and probably also through whatever is going to happen with the Diaz family now), starts to fuck up his relationship with his girlfriend (by moving too fast even though he doesn't want to, which was what killed his relationship with Ana), avoids his girlfriend, and indulges Buck's every idea (as seen through the bachelor party). Since the 7x01 locker room scene, he's been fully open to Buck, and Buck has been fully open to him. In conclusion: Buddie will be canon by the end of 8A.

[itsjustpoopeh]

and while i'm here at the library with the good wifi and a keyboard let me address something else to the toxic weirdasses trying to pretend it's ✨internalized misogyny✨ because "if tommy were a woman you would hate her yall hated all his other girlfriends"

hmm. no 💃🏽

let's go through the list of buck's girlfriends, which i personally disliked and why. you'll be surprised to find that i only hated one, and it had to do with the way kristen reidel butchered her character to make a self insert

Abby - i liked abby a lot. she was flawed and vulnerable and liked buck. she helped him mature and become a little more thoughtful, and i think let him figure out how much he wanted to be in a real relationship and have all those romantic experiences (hot air balloon date i'll always regret your premature murder). yeah she left him in an awful way and didn't bother to apologize and i hated her for THAT but during the relationship? nah fam i was rooting for those crazy kids

Ali - hell i REALLY liked Ali. smart, sassy, fun, also just liked buck and enjoyed his company. i didn't like her abrupt exit from the show but it's perfectly valid for someone to say "i can't handle the danger you're in and this won't end well for either of us if we try"

let's skip taylor and come back

natalia - i LIKED her at first. sure she was a little judgy about all his crazy ass shenanigans but uh... who tf wouldn't be? she wasn't judging him as a person, just being like "bruh wtf have you gotten yourself in to?" they didn't do a lot to flesh out her character because... well, see: kristen reidel and then this season tim had to dump her character bc she didn't want to come back (valid of her tbh)

aight and the TAYLOR of it all:

i liked taylor when she was introduced. i said it

or, to be more accurate, i enjoyed her character and what i thought the purpose of her character as a plot device was going to be

i will forever die on the hill that taylor kelly could have been an excellent recurring friendly antagonist. a ruthless, ambitious, snarky reporter, getting in bitch fights with eddie every time she shows up to horn in on the 118 for one of her investigations trying to climb the vicious corporate news ladder. getting in the way, occasionally helping out against her will, climbing buck like a tree in bar restrooms, then flouncing off until her next appearance. it would have been great

and then kristen reidel needed a self-insert, tried to redeem her with no actual work done on selling it, made her spineless, then turned her back into an awful unethical reporter when she needed to get rid of her, and worse, made her BORING AS FUCK doing it AND didn't accomplish any narrative purpose with it? nah fuck that shit.

and what i want you to notice is that NONE OF THAT HAS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH BUDDIE

godDAMN y'all are testing my nerves

[thesrctsoftheuniverse]

finished season 4 last night and i once again have thought i would like to write down!!!

this time written on my phone bc im on holiday and havent gotten the wifi password for my laptop yet so bare with me

- may grant!!! I love that she got a bigger role this season. she’s so great and seeing her grow and learn the same way maddie had to learn was so beautiful to watch. her relationship to her mother is complicated but beautiful and i love that athena learns to accept that may is her own person. I hope we see more of her in season 5 and i hope we see more of athena and may together as well. her listening to her mom’s phonecall to 911…. I cried

-speaking of smaller characters getting bigger roles: josh!!! i LOVED what was basically a “josh begins” episode, he ATEEEEEE that one call where he had to direct several groups of LAPD officers around.

-bobby this season made me fear for a relapse. im so glad that he didnt relapse but im scared for him and worried. I hope he and athena can talk more and tbh i would love to see him open up again to the season 1 trio. chim, hen and buck helped him get sober after his relapse, i want to see them bond and vent together!!! the episode where he and michael played detectives LMFAOO

- i think ive mostly mentioned what i loved about athena this season in previous paragraphs, her relationship with may and her relationship with bobby. i absolutely LOVE how hard she went for that missing her, i loved her rescuing bobby from that sniper. there were some excellent scenes. i love her and hen together, my bestieesssssss!!!! i do wish to see her and bobby in more vulnerable scenes together, the fight and then aftermath of it was beautiful

-hen my love. what a rollercoaster. first of all i love her mom!!! she’s so fun and clearly trying to fix whatever went wrong between them. hen at med school is sosoosososo cool and i love her med school friends. she’s so cool being in med school even with everything else. I love seeing the main cast’s friends OUTSIDE of work, it adds so much to the characters . her and karen truly are so fucking important to me. the foster daughter arc with nia was so beautiful and heartbreaking. like im sorry you KNEW this could happen. but i love that they’re open to new placements even with the pain. and denny being involved!! and being scared of being taken away!!! Pls im gonna cry, the exact fear karen has

-chimney at the beginning of the season pissed me tf off. but then he was there for maddie in person and they were amazing!! girl dad chimney!! i love him, he loves his kid so much pleaseeeeee… and him telling the people who raised him how imporant they are to him. i love his character idk guys, hes just so wonderful to me. even if he clearly didnt see the signs of maddies post partum depression

- albert literally almost dying while his niece was being brought into the world was so fucking stressful jesus christ. i love him and i love his friendship with buck. uncle besties 4 life!!!

- maddie i love you so much. she was so beautiful this season, she deserves the world. she was so ready to be a mom but then post partum depression hit :( i hope she gets better, im glad she asked for help. her and buck’s storyline this season… the secret brother… for fucks sake how shocking and how HEAVY of a burden that must be to carry for so long. I love her so much.

- buck this season going to therapy…. Damn dont get too mentally stable or else they won’t know what to do with you anymore hahahaah!! nvm watch your loveofyourlife bestie get shot in front of you, have to crawl under a truck even with your trauma to save him and then literally try to keep him alive until the hospital only to then have to tell his son what is happening. heres moreeeee traumaaaaaaaa woooohooooo!!! ngl i liked him and taylor kelly this season, i kinda wish they would remain friends but i can deal with her as a love interest for now. shes an interesting character! his whole world being turned upside down when he was just starting to get better from the therapy by her sister admitting to them having a brother and him being born for spare parts. love you king, sorry you never get to be fully happy with yourself!

- eddie diaz you absolute cutie pie. will you ever be happy? Idk but you sure were bitchy this season. i fucking LOVED it, please tell me we get your bitchy ass back for season 5. him in the jinx episode??? I laughed so hard, truly an icon. I love ana flores but that man simply doesnt know what to do with a woman like her. oranywomanforthatmatter. him and chris is always beautiful, that is MY family. he loves that kid so muchz and him putting buck in the will?? hand in marriage next…. I knew what was coming from spoilers online but him being shot and the scenes after that of buck getting him inside the truck were so fucking nerve racking and also FUN!! what a moment.

-carla is back for 2 seconds and already spitting facts LMFAO

-the jinx episode was so fun and sossoossoso good pls more of it and more of ravi as well

-the treasure hunt episode was so good too!! I love episodes where they all get a bit silly

-the dam breaking and mudslide disaster was really good, especially with may being freshly at 911 dispatch and her MOM being stuck in a house that crashed down the hill. nothing tops the tsunami tho

- i want more buck and diaz scenes. and by diaz i mean chris.

thats all i can think fo rn my brain is tired i love travelling but it makes me so tired

[littlespoonevan]

i really want to know your opinion on last night's episode! do you think we finally saw Eddie's oh moment? I see a lot of people talking about it and about his heartbreak but I'm not seeing it? like I see eddie upset about what buck is saying, but that could easily be platonic imo, my best friend saying someone else actually sees them? that would make me feel awful, like I'm here??? I see you??? and i get eddie feels lonely as well, but i dont ser that particularly related to him realizing he's in love w buck, idk idk what are your thoughts?

askjdhlf okay. where do i begin??? i should preface by saying i only got a chance to watch the last 25 mins of the ep like an hour and a half ago bc of how long it took for the ep to upload this morning so i'm still very much processing bUT

that cemetery scene was a lot.

to start by answering your question, i don't think we got an oh moment in the deliberate sense?? by that i mean, i don't think this was the show telling the audience "this is it!!!! this is the moment eddie realises he's in love with buck!!!!!" however i do think that scene did A Lot to suggest something big and buddie-related in the pipeline.

something about the tone of it felt very different to what we've gotten previously???? it's most certainly one of the longest conversations they've ever had at 3 minutes uninterrupted. it's also one of their most serious and touched on a wide range of topics (like it felt almost like a post-ep coda fic conversation to me????? askdjfh) and i think it's interesting that twice now in 6b we've had meaningful conversations between them that don't involve chris being brought up. because that's been something i've always said was maybe missing when it came to the possibility of them becoming canon??? we have so many conversations that emphasise buck/eddie/chris as a family but very few conversations between buck and eddie just about them and their friendship/relationship, y'know??

likewise eddie's reaction to natalia was in very stark contrast to the usual way he sort of snarkily comments on buck's relationships. @mellaithwen made the great catch that it paralleled buck talking about ana in 5x02 and it also reminded me of eddie's reaction to abby??? in the way it was this sort of weary-frustrated-resigned combination where he Knows this won't end well for buck and he's maybe a little bit annoyed at buck's lack of regard for himself (in 3x18 bc he's willing risk his own life for abby to save her fiancé even after she left buck the way she did and now with natalia in a 'how can you say she sees you better when the version of yourself you're showing her isn't you' way)

there's also just the big giant elephant in the room where buck is talking about how natalia sees him when eddie is the one who's always Seen him - all the way back to "to be seen to be found, isn't that what we're all searching for?". eddie is the one who constantly validates buck's feelings, who understands his reasons for the choices he makes, who knows exactly what to say to make buck open up. he even does it in this scene!!!!!! when he says "you don't have to be anything for anyone". it felt like a big fat example of dramatic irony tbh

and i think for me, regardless of what happens on the actual show, when it comes to how i write and approach canon in fic that scene acts as confirmation of my favourite headcanon that eddie knows about his feelings but buck has no fucking idea. and while we may or may not ever get real confirmation of that in canon, i think you can for sure read the scene that way without twisting it into something it's not :')

overall, you know i'm the most cautious person alive when it comes to canon buddie but i do genuinely, genuinely feel something has shifted in this scene even if it's not a definitive oh moment for now💛

[princessfbi]

Sleepover ask - Ok so when everyone was doing that thing that ranked their favorite 911 characters I remember being struck by how low Hen was on your list! Low like under a buckley parent low I think. And no judgement ofc bc to each their own, but I just gotta know how she ended up there in your book

Ohh! Ok so I think it's because of a few reasons. For context, Hen tied with Margaret Buckley and above that Phillip Buckley tied with Abby Clark in my list.

One: I think one portion of this is because it took me a second to figure out how the poll worked. Nine out of ten times if you tag me in a game and I don't do it, it's because I don't understand how to do it. It took a VERY long time doing that polling to realize I was not in fact being timed and I wasn't taking a test 🤣 So I'd be interested to see what I would get if I took my time.

Two: I like how much I dislike the Buckley Parents. For the longest time I couldn't even look at the actors because I would have a full on visceral emotional reaction to seeing them (sorry to the Hallmark movie that had Buck's dad in it that I had to turn off). They are literally the worst and super complicated and nuanced in the way that they aren't just cardboard flat characters meant to be villains. So me disliking the Buckley Parents as much as I do, doesn't mean that I'm indifferent to them which is how I feel towards a lot of the characters much further down the list. So I think it's less a comment on how low on the list Hen is when in reality it's more how high the Buckley Parents are.

Three: This is in no way a slight against Aisha because I think she plays Hen beautifully but I find that I tend to like Fanon Hen more than Canon Hen. Aisha is an absolute POWER HOUSE and there are scenes I absolutely LOVE.

But I tend to look at the show in two lens: as a viewer and then a writer.

As a viewer: I'm a little turned off by her in a very biased way because I've worked with people with a similar temperament to Hen and I gotta be honest, they were not super great to work with. Particularly in the 'i'm in a bad mood over something that has nothing to do with you but don't talk to me or i'm going to bite your head off' vibe which is something she's done a couple of times with Chimney, Buck, and Eddie. And that's a totally valid character choice to make, it's just not something I enjoy watching personally.

But as a writer? I find that I get frustrated a lot with some of Hen's storylines particularly in her instances of impulsivity. All of the characters have been in a situation where they've been impulsive but we've seen the consequences and follow up those actions.

Buck filing the lawsuit -- Buck having to work for forgiveness from the team and Bobby.

Eddie street fighting -- Eddie having to answer for his actions with Bobby and go to counseling.

Bobby skating around the protocol to get Hen out of the vault -- Bobby's past being revealed and being suspended.

Chimney lying in his relationship with Tatiana -- Their relationship failing.

Athena going rogue to get Emmett's killer -- Athena getting suspended.

Maddie getting obsessed with a victim -- Maddie getting put on leave and forced to see a counselor.

We just get to see the follow through of this moments of impulsivity or recklessness but we don't really get that with Hen. It feels like it's more like an excuse to make Hen seem badass but the catch for that is that her victories feel a little hollow then. The sticking her hand in an open chest wound situation is one example where it was such a HUGE break in protocol (Chimney AND the nurse both had big reactions to it) but then Hen sort of got off easy. I remember watching that and thinking about the line Buck says about Eddie free climbing the roof where he's like "I feel like if I had done that you would've yelled at me." Anyone else in that situation and I think we would've gotten the consequences of that action. But with Hen it just sorta always seems like it ends on a "super lucky nothing bad happened here MOVING ON" scenario. And this isn't just with Hen (ie part of the reason why I wish we had gotten a little more tension with Chimney's return so that the attack on Jonah felt a little more satisfying) but it happens with her the most frequently.

Argument can be made for Bobby too but it happens less so.

The only time we got to see something similar was when Hen was distracted by her problems with Karen's fertility and the girl died. But even that wasn't really a consequence to Hen's actions and more bad timing. And that storyline hurt BUT it's one of the strongest Hen arcs we've seen. It's something that she still struggles with and continues to battle and I'm getting chills just writing about Aisha's performance when she breaks down in Athena's arms.

So my frustration comes from the fact that we know it can be done, and done really well, it's just not done very often which feels like cheating her character out of a complete arc.

All this is to say I still love Hen a lot and there are a BUNCH of scenes of hers that I think really just dig right into the core of the show. I just have my frustrations.

Send Me A Sleepover Ask

[yourmidnightlover]

never go back

Summary: spencer notices how your boyfriend takes advantage of you and finally does something about it.

TW: titty sucking, oral (female receiving), cheating, dom!spencer, scratching, slapping (only one), cursing, choking, spencer dirty talk lol, penetrative sex, creampie. *let me know if i missed anything*

WC: 3,724

A/N - i'm using noah as the 'other man' schtick in probably all of my future one shots bc i can't find it within myself to create a new character each and every time. so your douche of a bf will always be noah miller. if you ever get a nice bf i'll be sure to change his name but for now this is what we're working with. got it? got it.

masterlist

-------------------------------

there are many things that people should go back to. schooling, maybe an old job, an old vacation spot.

your boyfriend was not one of those things.

mostly because your boyfriend sucked.

it was now a fact that spencer reid himself had come to believe quite a while ago and now, well now he had reason.

he had always felt as though you were too good for noah, similar for practically anyone in existence (himself included). he was always a complete ass to you no matter the circumstance.

there was one time the entire team had been back really late from a case that took a toll on all of you. it was emotionally and physically draining. the flight back had been delayed because of weather issues in the state you had been in, meaning you couldn't leave until days after it was solved.

any time you had gone to answer the phone, spencer would be able to see your stance and body language through the glass window. you had been apologizing for something you couldn't even control. you would narrow your brows the way you only did when you were being yelled at. you bit your lip the way you did when you were being made to feel guilty.

he was guilt tripping you for something you couldn't even control.

when you had gotten back it wasn't any better. noah had been giving you the cold shoulder. he was defensive when you asked what was wrong.

and that was only 3 weeks into the relationship.

after being together for 2 months, you had gotten flowers delivered on your desk. you assumed they were from your boyfriend, reasonably so, and went to go thank him. spencer saw the shock in your eyes when you saw your boyfriend huddled in the corner with some new intern. spencer saw the look in your eye change from sadness to anger in the blink of his own.

you took a deep breath, and walked away from the situation, completely missing the way he tucked the intern's hair behind her ear as he leaned in to whisper something to make her giggle. when you got back to your desk you threw the flowers in the garbage can, not even bothering to read the note.

it was pretty indirect, but looking into it he realized it was an issue that should've been addressed. every time the team would go out together, everyone was clearly invited. you would always decline because 'noah wanted to take me out tonight' or 'noah said he needs me, so i'll have to rain check'.

it wasn't because you were a bad person, the opposite actually. it was because noah was taking advantage of your kindness.

because any time you needed him, 'noah's out with the boys' or 'noah had to work late' or, here's a kicker, 'noah had a hard time at work'. as if you don't have a hard time looking at dead bodies while he just has to write up reports.

even when you got injured during a case, shot in the shoulder, noah seemed as though he couldn't have cared less. he wouldn't even go to your apartment to visit you while you were in recovery because 'noah didn't have time to visit'.

spencer could even recall when you went out with the girls one night, spencer being the designated driver, that you had told them how 'noah didn't want you to dress too provocatively so you had to wear something more modest'.

now, spencer doesn't care all to much about what you wear because, frankly, it's none of his business. but now that he heard how noah cared oh-so-much, he decided to wrack his brain for the 'provocative' outfits you've worn. there was not a single one that anyone should make a comment about. you looked stunning no matter what you wore, so you'd grab any man's attention no matter the clothing on your body.

but spencer? he made sure to never be that much of an asshole to you. he made sure to make up for him being an asshole.

he would grab you some morning coffee like you always had before you had a boyfriend. he would make sure to tell you that you looked lovely when you were able to go out with the team. he would visit you when you injured yourself and were lonely, he even stayed back for a few days with you to help you get through it.

hell, he was the one to get you the flowers. you had been having a rough week and spencer thought it might cheer you up. he had gifted you a bouquet of 12, blue chiffon flowers because those were your favorite.

but this was his breaking point. you had come to his apartment, once again in the middle of the night, talking about noah fucking miller cheating on you.

he had done it once before when he was 'out with the boys' you decided to stop by when he said he'd be back, wanting to just be the amazing girlfriend that you are. so when you walk in and hear your boyfriend moaning along with another woman that isn't you, you immediately run back out. you run back out and drive all the way to spencer's.  

and here you are again. spencer wasn't mad at you, it was noah he was mad at. he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

spencer had always liked you, no, he's always loved you. everything about you. how could he not? you're perfect.

but loving you how he does and seeing you being used as a toy to fuck for a certain noah miller not only made his heart ache but also made his blood boil.

spencer wasn't an idiot. he had heard the way the old morgan had referred to women. the thing is, noah is way more of a fuckboy than the old morgan ever was. and that scared spencer to pieces. he knew that you would only be missing out on team outings just to get fucked by a douchebag. he knew that the only reason said douchebag wouldn't visit you was because you couldn't fuck. he knew that the reason said douchebag was cornering that intern was to fuck her, too.

so when you arrived at spencer's place, this time you weren't crying. you were furious. you were angry and upset, as was spencer.

"he did it again, spence," you breathed out as you paced across his living room floor. "i was supposed to meet him in a few hours but i was going to surprise him and i caught him with another tramp! i didn't even confront him. i just- i just left!"

"cheated? noah?" he asked as if he didn't believe it at first, not wanting to seem like as much of a dick as noah.

"yes! cheated. god! i am so ANGRY!" you ran your hand through your hair, a grunt leaving your mouth. "and... and frustrated! and... UGH!" you sighed aggressively.

"and what?" spencer asked as he stood up, slowly making his way to you. "what else?" he said, his hand now brushing that stubborn strand of hair behind your ear.

"i-i'm..." you trailed off, getting lost in his beautiful eyes.

if you were honest with yourself, you'd admit how much you loved spencer. but you thought he'd never love you like that. not since you helped him through jj getting married. he really thought she was it for him, at least that's what you'd come to think he believed. over the years you had grown so much closer and grown such an attraction for each other that the other person knew about. it was ironic, truly.

"say it, y/n," spencer leaned over you, his lips ghosting over yours. "i need to hear you say it."

"god, just kiss me," you said, your hands flying to the back of his hair to push his mouth to yours.

there was no hesitation from spencer to give you everything he had. his hand on the side of your face remained there as his other hand drifted to your waist to pull you closer to his body. your tongues met fervently with covetous, passion, and longing yet with just gentle firmness that felt protecting and as if it was how everything was supposed to be.

"please, spencer," you quietly whispered once you unlatched from one another.

"please what, princess," he asked, his hand running through your hair.

"i just... i need you," she pleaded with him, her hands still tugging gently on his hair. "please," you put your foreheads together, breathing in each others air as you silently begged him to help you in any way that he could.

"i'd do anything for you," he whispered so delicately as if the entire team were standing right beside you. "you know i'd do anything for you."

"then do something," you demanded.

spencer took action by kissing you just as intensely as before, this time his hands went to your ass. he grabbed your thighs to signal for you to jump, once you did you wrapped your legs around his torso as he carried you into his bedroom. he set you down just in front of the bed before you began to undo his shirt, him returning the favor by undoing yours.

"god, i've wanted you for so long," he growled, nipping gently at your earlobe as he laid you back on the bed. "lift your hips," he ordered, you obeyed his every command. you always would. "good girl," he praised as he ran his hands down your now bare waist.

"please," you begged, your hips bucking up to get any source of friction. "spencer..." you trailed off.

"i know, princess. i know," he said before climbing on top of you, connecting your lips with his once again, this time much more eager than before if that were possible.

as you arched your back, he took the opportunity to unclasp the hook on your bra. you shrugged it off your shoulders to allow him to throw the bra somewhere else in his room. he finally took a breath, removing his lips from yours to admire the view in front of him.

"god, you're so beautiful," he growled before placing gentle but eager kisses along the tops of your breasts, massaging the one his mouth wasn't on.

he pressed his knee between your legs, allowing you to buck your hips up to get that release you wanted so bad. you whined as he took your nipple in his mouth, his tongue flicking past it rapidly as he occasionally nibbled on it gently.

"spen-spencer," you ran your hands through his hair, tugging gently on the roots.

"mmm," he sat his head up, trailed kisses up your throat. "god, i love you so much."

"i-i love you," you moaned, pulling his head up to connect your lips together. "i love you so so much."

"i'm so glad to hear that," he huffed a sigh of relief. "because otherwise it'd be awkward when i did this," he began trailing kisses down your body, leading down towards your center. "i'll show you what it's like to be with a man that actually loves and respects you, yea? show you what it feels like to actually be pleased by a man? what it's like to be with a real man?" he teased.

his fingers trailed around your entrance, gathering your arousal that'd been building for what felt like ages. he pressed gentle kisses around your pussy before finally connecting his lips with your clit, a low groan emitting from your body because of the contact.

"yes, please," you shot your head back, relishing in the feeling of the direct skin contact.

"hey," spencer slapped your thigh, your head shot back up to see him between your legs, a truly beautiful sight that you'd never get tired of. "eyes on me," he demanded before going back down on you, not breaking eye contact as he brought out sounds from you that you weren't even sure you could make. "talk to me, princess. let me know how it feels."

"fe-feels so good," you sighed, taking your breasts in your hands and massaging them. "i-i can-can't even think," you stuttered out, too caught up in the pleasure to form a coherent sentence.

you had felt so good as he sucked on your clit, succeeding in bringing you closer to the edge than noah ever has, but when he inserted two fingers into your entrance...

"oh my fuck!" your hands shot down to grab onto his locks, pushing him further into your body, a low groan leaving him.

his fingers didn't stop their work. he curled them at just the right spot, sending you flying over the edge. spencer used his free hand to grab onto your thigh to keep them from closing in completely on his head, still working you through your high. he placed a kiss on your clit once more before he brought his head up to you, connecting your lips passionately.

"could noah ever make you come like that? huh? could he make you feel so good you could barely even think?" he grabbed your chin in his hands, holding it in place to look at him as you shook your head the best you could. "no?"

"mm-mm," you tried to shake your head 'no' once more.

"did you think of him while i was going down on you? were you thinking about how he fucked that little tramp?" he asked harshly, you shook your head 'no' again. "oh, what were you thinking, princess?" he finally released your face so you could speak.

"ab-about how well you know my body. about how, how good you looked between my legs. about how much i love you," you replied quickly, knowing exactly what to say.

"right answer," he connected your lips once more. "what do you want, love?" he asked, peppering soft kisses along your jaw where his hands once held your throat firmly.

"you. i-i want you in-inside me," you swallowed, your hand finding his and pulling it up to your lips to press a kiss to it, then another, then another, then another. "please, doctor?" you used your best puppy dog eyes you knew he couldn't resist.

"god, call me that again," he rasped lowly.

"what... doctor?" you took his hand and started sucking on his fingers, letting them slip in and out slowly and then moving onto the next.

"fuck, yes," he growled as he pressed another kiss to your lips before lining himself up at your center. "are you sure, princess?" he traced your jaw with the fingers you were previously sucking on.

"yes, sir," you nodded. "i'm sure."

you felt him slowly push inside of you slowly to allow you to adjust to his size. you had your suspicions of how big he was, but feeling him inside of you made it all much more real.

"fuck, you're so tight," he moaned into your ear quietly as he slowly pulled back out, going in just as slow.

"sp-spence-"

"wrong," he slapped your face gently, a whimper leaving your lips before he grasped your face to make you look him in the eyes.

"doc-doctor," you corrected yourself.

"good girl," he said, feeling your pussy clench from the praise. "oh you like that?" he felt it again. "maybe you just like hearing me talk, yea?" his pace began picking up slowly. "you like hearing how this pussy makes me feel? how tight... and warm... and wet it is?"

"u--uh huh," you nodded your head the best you could as he began thrusting much more rapid, hitting that special spot inside of you with each movement.

"it seems like you haven't felt this good in a long time huh? haven't had your pussy pounded like this in a while?" he asked as he was catching his breath.

"ne-never, doctor," you confirmed, hands reaching around his back and dragging your nails down, surely leaving scratch marks all down them.

"fuck," he growled. "noah never made you feel this good princess? never made you forget how to speak in sentences? never knew how to get you going like this?"

"n-no, no! never! god, never!" you cried as you pulled his body even closer to you. "i-i'm close, please!"

"you wanna come all over my dick, yea? you want to show me how much your pussy loves it when a real man fucks it?"

that was it to let that spring burst inside of you, parts flying everywhere. you cried his name as he worked you through your orgasm, holding onto his shoulders and hair to keep you grounded.

"cum inside me, please," you begged. "fi-fill me up."

"fuck, whatever you want, princess," he kept pounding into you at a rapid pace. "god, i'm gonna come inside you, and send you back to that scumbag of a boyfriend so he can see that you're mine now. so he can see what happens when his girlfriend is mistreated and fucked by someone who knows what they're doing, yea?"

"yea, yea!" you whined, nails digging back into his skin as he released his load into you, thrusting it gently back inside after.

"god, i love you so much," he moaned into your ear, pressing a kiss to your cheek by your ear.

"i love you," you replied, stroking his hair to help him come down, him still inside of you. he began thrusting inside of you once again.

"don't want any of it to spill out before you get to him," he felt you clench around him one more time. "you're very responsive, princess. i like that about you."

"it-it's just you, spence. it's always been you," you pulled him in for another kiss.

this one was full of passion but not the kind of eagerness. it was full of desire and longing, pent up emotions flowing out into one another fluidly.

"now let me go see my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend," you huffed as he pulled out of you, wincing from the overstimulation. "i'll see you later?"

"i'll see you later," he pressed a kiss to your forehead before helping you gather your clothes.

driving back to his apartment, you felt rather giddy with yourself. should you have felt bad? absolutely not. he's a manipulative asshole who's used you for sex on numerous occasions, so he deserved the bittersweet irony of what was coming to him.

*get it, coming to him? lol i'm sorry i had to :)*

you knocked on the door softly, greeted by a rather chipper noah who grabbed your face as soon as he saw you, connecting your lips. his kiss was nothing like spencer's. his lips weren't as soft and tentative. they weren't plump and round, they were harsh and rough and unpleasant.

he quickly led you to the bedroom, not to your surprise. he sat down on the bed, you straddled his hips, acting as if it were spencer instead - which was pretty hard to do after knowing what he was like in the sack.

you felt his boner through his pants quickly after you got on top of him. then when he flipped you over and pulled your pants and underwear down, he was met with a surprise.

"someone's excited to see me," he chuckled before licking a thick stripe from your slit to clit, very aggressive to where it almost hurt to have the pressure. "god you taste so good, doll."

he continued at this for a while, inserting his tongue to your hole very once in a while and licking up yours and spencer's arousal with it. you faked your moans and whimpers as his ministrations became more eager, not really getting you anywhere.

after he was finished with your turn - no, he didn't even make you cum - he laid back on the bed as if he were waiting for you to get on top of him again.

"actually," you stood up from the bed, pulling up your clothes with you. "i'm done with this. we're over."

you watched his face as he took in the information just released to him. it changed from surprised and shocked, to confused, to disgusted, to angry and frustrated.

"what the fuck?" he sat up from the bed, a disgruntled look on his face. "you wait until after you cum to tell me this?" he walked over to you, arms flailing in the air.

"yea. i did. and by the way, i didn't cum," you informed him. "that's something you've never really been good at making me do. although i'm not sure how you've been able to convince me to do anything with the way you treat me."

"what do you mean? i'm a good gu-"

"shut up for one second, please," you rolled your eyes, running your hand through your hair. "i know you've cheated on me numerable times. i stayed because i thought that maybe there was a reason, but i've come to realize that i was just... settling with you," you shrugged.

"you've treated me like crap since this 'relationship' started and i'm tired of it. i know someone who not only treats me with respect and kindness, but can also actually make me cum. shocker," you chuckled.

"who is this asshole? what the hell-"

"i wasn't finished, sweetie," you spat out viciously. "he's not an asshole. you're the asshole. you're the one that's getting dumped. so this is goodbye," you turned around to walk out of his room before leaving him with one more thought. "how did his cum taste with mine?" you tilted your head innocently, smiling at his shocked face as he realized what you meant before walking out.

and you were never more glad that you didn't have to go back to him anymore.

taglist:

@muffin-cup​ @greenprisca​ @averyhotchner​ 

[queerdiaz]

Okay but I am not over how Buck was so clearly framed as the "person who had to watch their love almost die right in front him but now has to take the full responsibility of taking care of their son and continue to work all while being a complete and emotional wreck".

Like when Buck had "the hardest job" - Chimney perfectly put it- and went to tell Christopher about Eddie and was trying to reign in his emotional turmoil, once he saw that Eddie had made it through surgery he just could not keep it in anymore. He completely broke down and CHRISTOPHER was the one to comfort BUCK before they both comfort each other. Which I always go absolutely feral about bc even though Buck wears his emotions on his sleeves we all know how he tends to put others first. We saw how he was trying to reign in his own grief so he could be there for Christopher. Because being there for Christopher was the most important thing in Buck's eyes, his own emotions be damned. An yet once that he saw that Eddie survived surgery and was going to be okay, he could not control it anymore.

And then we see him staying at the Diaz house and taking care of Christopher. However, Chris is the one who has to wake up Buck to school. That lil moment reminds me so much of a scene in Practical Magic where Sandra Bullock's character, Sally, is grieving the death of her husband and her daughter tries to wake her up to take her to school while Sally is numb just completely overtaken by her grief. We see Buck be the same way. And even though he does get up and takes care of Christopher and goes to work, we see how not okay he is. so much so that he wants get shot by the sniper as well

Which leads me the integral scene with Buck and Bobby. We all talk about the BLATANT parallels between Buddie and Bathena that this episode beautifully showed, but I gotta talk about it again. Right when Eddie had gotten shot, Bathena had the biggest fight of their marriage. But once they got their feelings out from the fight and was effected by the shooting, they had a honest conversation about what was bothering them. Which hugely consisted of Bobby talking about what it was like to witness what happened to Athena and how it effected him. Which brings me back to the scene with Bobby and Buck. When Bobby tells him that what happened to Eddie wasn't his fault, we get a DIRECT parallel with Buck saying "No but I was just the guy standing there who couldn't do anything about it" to which we get Bobby just staring at him in what seems to be a knowing look mixed shock and recognition. Because that was what he was literally what he was talking about with Athena. In the end of s3 with what happened to Athena and then in this season as well (especially this season) we see Bobby talk about and deal with witnessing HIS WIFE having a traumatic near death experience. Which was blatantly paralleled with Buck's trauma and grief with Eddie. (Two ppl having to witness the person they love most/their spouse almost die.)

But the parallels don't end there folks. No sir.

Not only do we get a hospital scene with both Bathena and Buddie but there are so many parallels in the Bathena hospital scene with Buddie. First we have the obvious of Athena sitting at Bobby side like Buck sat by Eddie's side as they both have emotional conversations. But whereas Buck mentions how he thought it'd been better he had been the one who had gotten shot instead of Eddie, Athena talks about saving Bobby.

Which I would like to point out the parallel of Buck helping Athena save Bobby and his knowing look when she said that it had to be her to save her husband. He understood that need and helped her be the one to save Bobby and not the actual firefighters (of course there's other reasons for Athena being the one like the guy having a gun but still).

But back to the hospital scenes parallels. In Bathena's hospital scene and the second one for Buddie (aka the Will™ scene), both relationships have a certain... shift if you will. Bathena's issues are fully solved and their relationship has grown even more for the better. And with Buddie the shift is also a growth in their relationship, just in a different way.

Because seeing how Eddie getting shot effected Buck and made him think so lowly of himself that he thought it'd be better if he was the one who got shot but also saw how Buck to continued to take care of Christopher despite of it, Eddie decides to finally tell Buck about the will. It's not only a shift of finally acknowledging the will after keeping it a secret for so long but a shift in how they're relationship is going to be for now. Sure, they already planned to always be in each other's lives but this seals it.

And what helps both relationships shift as all is what Athena and Eddie tell Bobby and Buck, respectively Athena tells Bobby that she couldn't let a little fire keep her from saving her partner. That right there is Athena reaffirming that Bobby is her partner, that she acknowledges the issues they had talked about previously about not acting like equal partners and reaffirms that they are fact partners. But then she also shows how much she loves Bobby. He's her partner in every way and she would (and did) walk through literal fire for him (which in LS we saw Judd use an example to show how much he would show Grace how much he loved her). Athena not only reminds Bobby how much she loves him, how she feels, but also tells him what he needed to hear that moment with what they were going through (especially with his lingering issues with what happened to Athena s3).

Now, with The Hospital Scene™ with Buddie, we get Eddie telling Buck about the will (which, given the fact that he kept it hidden for a year ass year indicates that it was a pretty big deal for Eddie to finally tell him) and Eddie does it because of what he also tells him. That Buck, Evan, in fact not expendable. That he knows Buck's perception of himself is that he's expendable, that Buck thought it'd be better if he was the one who got shot.

So how does that parallel the scene with Bathena? Well, Eddie shows Buck just how much he trusts him with Christopher (aka his heart and soul). They are partners already, but this just takes their partnership even further bc yeah, Eddie had already told Buck that 'there's no one else in this world I trust more with my son than you', but this both reaffirms that and takes it a step further. Because he made it legal that he'd rather Buck take care of his son more than his family. This reaffirms his trust in Buck, their partnership. Just like Athena reaffirmed hers and Bobby's partnership. Just like how she showed Bobby just how much she loved him by walking through literal fire for him, Eddie shows how much he loves and cares for Buck by entrusting Buck with the most precious thing in the world to him aka his son. And just like how Athena telling Bobby that is what he needed to hear, Eddie telling Buck about the will and showcasing the biggest insecurity that Buck was going through at the moment, that he's thinks that he's expendable but he's wrong.

Both Eddie and Athena saw how what happened to them effected their partners and they both have these things to help their partners with it (and themselves).

In conclusion, all of this shows the framing of Buck being the "grieving partner who had to deal with watching the love of their almost die". Because almost all of those Bathena parallels dealt with what Bobby had to deal with witnessing Athena almost die and how the aftereffects which directly paralleled with Buck was currently going through in that episode. And the of end episode (as well as Buck's season arc) getting a reaffirmation from his partner and consolation of how what happened to them effected him. Just how Athena did with Bobby.

Say it with me folks: Choices were made.

Thank you for coming to my Tedtalk.

[seancekitsch]

You Need Hands: Part of the Prize Buck Series

Warnings: smut, talking about abusive relationships, talking about drug use, unsafe bondage practices bc i am not a sex guru i am a writer of two flawed people, codependancy, praising

Klaus is surprised, to say the least when you come into the apartment raging, fingernails chewed off and eyes red as if you'd been crying on your walk home from work. Work was your only place, save for home, where you seemed truly happy. He notices your shaking and the barely contained rage behind the clench of your jaw.

“Hey! Hey, is everything alright?” he puts a hand out to stop you from pacing, and you turn on him, eyes glassy and red.

“Do you know what she said about us?”

What the fuck? Who would have said that? You talk to his siblings. Your boss. And. Oh. Okay, you talk to Gwen, your roommate from your University days that you recently gotten in touch with again. Klaus doesn't like her. It’s hard to get on Klaus’ bad side, but she seemed… pushy. Not pushy. What's the word he’s trying to use? Controlling? Scheming? Yeah, those are the ones. Accuracy cuts deeper, you always tell him. He pets your arm, feeble in trying to calm you down but after a few ragged open-mouthed breaths, you’re ready.

“She called us Sid and Nancy,” you continue, “She said we live in a sex den above a bodega slowly killing each other, if not outright doing it. She thinks you’re gonna get me high again. She basically met up with me up to judge me and tell me everything I’m doing wrong. I didn't even get to tell her about that paella we made last week for your whole family.”

“Oh, she’s kidding right? I’d make a terrible Nancy.” That makes you pause in your tracks, confusion lighting up your features.

“No- Klaus she thinks you’re Sid.”

“I’m not Sid.” He reaffirms, pulling you in and wrapping his arms around your frame. Noticing how the candlelight catches on your hair, making you look like a biblical angel, one of those terrifying fiery things, hard to look at but you’re all his. He knows how you feel right now, better than anyone. He’s used to being the one discounted and lectured. His own siblings, as much as he loves them dearly, only just started trusting him in the span of the past two years. It felt like something divine, that despite how mean and secluded you were at first, how you trusted him so deeply so quickly. He’d known you for almost a year, and in that year dragged you to another century, gotten you involved in a cult, exposed you to his family, ghosts, challenging and difficult situations other people could have easily cracked under without disease plaguing their mind. Klaus is capable of great cruelty and recklessness, he knows it. He knows you shouldn't trust someone who has seen and done the frankly fucked up shit he has, but you do. And he trusts you fully in turn, if not more. Even when you refused to be open with him, pushed him away; the days when you would have rather stuck pins in your hand than speak to him because he was loud and you were too weak to handle it.

He exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding when he feels your head dip and fall against his chest.

“Is she right?” your voice is far away, empty. Needing some empty comfort. “Are we killing each other? Do we suck?”

“Hey, c’mon, don't be upset,” he shushes you, “We’re good for each other. We have jobs! No relapses! Bet your ex could never say that.” He couldn't, your ex was part of the reason you were here, which Klaus wasn't exactly upset about because it meant he had you and no one else did, but you probably could have benefitted from years free from an active addiction that was more or less funded by the competitive nature of your work and home life.

“I’m not upset. I’m pissed.”

That solves it for Klaus. When you're pissed, you clam up. He doesn't want to emotionally lose you for the rest of the day, or worse, the whole weekend.

“We’re not killing each other,” he confirms, “Pretty sure you can't kill me anyway.”

You snort and swat at his ribs, but then your hand doesn't leave him after the hit, instead slinking from his side to his back, coming to rest on his shoulder blade. You're holding him, which means he hasn't lost you.

“Oh, wicked thing, I’ll show you how good I am for you.”

You sigh, and feeling the pricking of your nails on his back, he takes that as permission. His hand begins roaming your body, groping at your chest, squeezing at your ass as you grab onto him, holding him for stability as he keeps moving, his large hands making you moan.

“Klaus…” you trail off. What are you trying to say? What are you asking for? You don't know.

“How many days have you been clean?” He whispers against your skin.

“One hundred and ninety three.” You know it exactly.

“See? She’s wrong,” and he goes back to peppering your face with kisses as his hands work to pull your skirt out of the way. Its dirty the way he pulls your clothes out of the way to fondle at you, to rub against your cunt through your underwear, to pull that underwear aside and find you wet and waiting. His other arm wrapped around the small of your back, holding your rumpled skirt gathered in his hand.

“I’ll be real good for you,” he affirms, slipping a finger into you, and then another. You grip onto his shoulders now, enough to keep you standing when your legs want to crumble under his thrusting. He pushes in with ease, like you were made to take his fingers, your breath hitching and tiny whines falling from your lips. His forehead dips to press against yours, sweat beginning to form on his brow. Its dizzying, how deep his long fingers can be inside you, how full and whole you feel as he holds you against him, making you shake and moan as he props you up, letting you feel like a ragdoll at his mercy.

“Hey,” he nudges you with his nose, “Hey, Lover, look over there.”

He shifts his head to the left, and your head follows. You're face to face with the image of yourself in the cheap and grimy thrift shop mirror you had bought. You see how strong his lean muscles are, how they move against you, hold you close and safe.

“Look how fuckin’ good you look.” You nod, you have to agree, heavy bedroom eyes stare back at you, your lips parted almost pornographically. Is this how Klaus sees you all the time? He picks up the pace, eagerly moving his hips along with his hand, needing to feel some release and friction himself as he works you over, your voice raising an octave as he gets rougher, until your eyes close tightly; your body stiffens, shakes, and you can hear him praising you. You're doing so well, that's it, all for me, right on my hand, you're so sexy. Your voice comes out in a shudder. Trying to thank him as your muscles twitch and you look into his beautiful green eyes.

“No, no, no, shhhh,” he hushes you again, smoothing your hair down as he leads you to walk on wobbly legs over to the bed to sit, not bothering to fix your skirt. Your eyebrow quirks as he moves to remove his belt fully, not just unbuckle it to remove his pants.

But you wise up quickly, watching him grab your hands and start to wrap the belt around your wrists. You have bondage rope somewhere around here, but this is hot, and he told you to be quiet, so you don’t make a sound. He moves your hands at the wrist, checking for you to make sure the belt won't hurt you, then pushes you back onto the bed, staring at invisible patterns on the ceiling as you lift your hand for them, belted wrists landing at the other edge of the bed. You can feel him push your skirt up even more, then you feel his skin on yours, his bare thighs rubbing against the inside of yours, then the sensation of Klaus rubbing his cock against you. Fuck, you love his cock. You love him. He watches your expression, your gasps, your sighs from lips plumped by bruising, your eyes fluttering shut as he rubs against you. You're a fucking goddess. He doesn't deserve you, despite trying to carnally prove that he does. Youre so fucking good, you’ve helped better each other. Fuck what anyone says. He just hopes you believe it too.

“So fuckin’ good, Lover. Oh, I’m gonna worship this cunt,” he sighs, more to himself than you.

“Don’t make me wait, Klaus,” you command, but then whine as he enters you. Everything feels like so much, so much.

“Sensitive, Fraulein?”

“I can handle it.”

“Of course you can,” he agrees, setting his pace

He hikes one of your legs up onto his hip, then hikes his leg up onto the bed, getting a better angle to fuck you, but also to lean in and kiss you, his mustache brushing your chin, lips attaching themselves to the underside of your jaw as he kisses you fully, pressing his love into your skin.

He covers your body with his own, protective, possessive, and devoted; he fucks you through another high, making you scream into his mouth as he doesn’t slow his pace, once again shushing you and singing your praises. I love you, you look so good like this, let me live the rest of my life like this between your thighs. You want to let him take, and take, and take. Such a thoughtful, loving, loyal person. He gives. You want him to give.

“Klaus,” you sound breathless, “Klaus, come inside me, please.”

You beg, wanting him completely. He lifts your other leg, before climbing completely on the bed with you, his sweaty chest dropping against yours, palming at your breast as he buries his head into the crook of your neck, needing to feel the closeness of you as he comes.

He comes quietly, with a staggered gasp and your lips kissing his hair. One of his hands finds yours bound above your head, and grasps them both in his. He kisses your neck as he stills, body relaxing as he comes down.

You stay like that for almost a half hour before the phone on the wall rings and snaps you out of your loving haze.

[raraeavesmoriendi]

(discussion of family death below)

so today might be the day my mom’s dad passes. he’s been deteriorating pretty fast since he and my grandma moved in with my parents in december, and my mom came up this morning to tell me she and gran are seeing All the Signs (my aunt passed at my grandmother’s five house years ago, so they’re both familiar with how home deaths look).

I don’t have a good relationship with my mom’s dad - none of the women(/whatever I am) in the family do. he’s just always been a bad grandfather and a worse dad, and I’ve been furious with him since he demanded my mom to drive him to work at the ass-crack of dawn literally the morning after her sister passed from a long and painful illness, when he’s self-employed and hadn’t provided solid income for years. he’s just always been a selfish dude who was in it to make a quick buck at the expense of everyone else in his family, and he wasn’t even good at it bc he and my grandma have extremely limited savings that she basically has had to watch like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t blow it on something stupid. she already found out a few weeks ago that he asked the guy watching their house to repair the bed of a truck that doesn’t even run, if you need an example.

so rn I’m upstairs in my childhood bedroom bc my mom told me it was probably going to be either today or tomorrow, and I know I need to suck it up and get in the shower so I can be downstairs/present/keeping them company, but I just feel kind of… stuck? like. this man I’ve been angry at forever is passing or on his way, my mom and grandma are kind of trapped bc they don’t want to be away from here/him when he does even though I’ve gotten the vibe from both of them that they’ll kind of be relieved when he’s reunited with the rest of his batshit family, and I just needed a space to quick let this out bc I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing the rest of the day besides poking around on my laptop downstairs and twiddling my thumbs waiting for an old dude to kick it.

idk, I’m sure this makes me sound like a raging turbo-bitch 5000 and I’ve accepted that, but I can’t help but feel a little bitter at this guy who’s barely been a background figure in my life for decades - who literally lost interest in me as soon as I stopped being a cute chubby infant, but still wants to feel like he’s passing on some bullshit wisdom or whatever to my younger brother - and mad that he isn’t leaving my gran, his only wife of six decades at least, with anything but debt and an old house that she never liked that he let slide into disrepair bc he kept spending their money on useless shit.

I’m glad my family can take care of him at this stage, bc that’s what family is for and we would never dream of leaving my mom’s folks vulnerable or hurting, but I can’t help but still be angry on behalf of the three women I love more than anything whose needs he never once considered before his own, the two left alive now having to bear the brunt of his decades of shit-for-brains decisions.

anyway. family is complicated, if you have a grandpa who is/was actually worth a damn, pour one out for me tonight 🖤 that’s a lucky, lucky thing, and I’m missing my dad’s dad a whole fuck of a lot right now.

[bucky-iss-bae]

My Girl (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

A/N: I started writing this at 11.30pm and its now 12.50am, I accidently wrote it. it was supposed to be a drabble, but it turned out to be more than that. Sorryyyy. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (AU) 

Fandom: MCU/Marvel

Prompts: “Love is Stupid” – “Take my Jacket, its cold outside” – “I’ll walk you home” “Don’t look at me like that” 

Warnings: Possesiveness?? The slightest bit of smut that its actually incredibly tame. Also 100 spelling and grammer mistakes bc this is a rush job. 

Word count: 2075 (Sorry, I can’t write drabbles for shit lmao)

Masterlist 

Fandom list

Growing up and turning into adults with such a big group of friends meant weekly linkups at your local bar had slowly turned into fortnight linkups, and that slowly turned into only a few people turning up, and everyone hanging out properly probably once a month.

Some were starting families like Stark, or already had a family like Barton. Others were slowly getting into relationships, and only a few of you were single.

It was weird being single and watching everyone else fall in love, grow families, considering that you guys had been friends since high school, or for some since pre-school. It was weird watching some of your friends get into relationships with one another, or with others. Seeing Peggy and Steves relationship grow was a beautiful one, she was one of the strongest women you knew, even in high school, no one ever messed with her. Along with Buck and the rest of you, no one dared to mess with Steve before he hit puberty and ended up towering over everyone, and even being the star athlete in senior year.

The same went for Tony, some thought he would never settle down, but his heart always belonged to one person. Vision and Wanda had only recently gotten together, it was weird because they flirted and had always been there for one another, they had an unspoken bond. You were just scared that soon you would have to find a new roommate. It was difficult when Natasha had left, but being just the two of you, you got buy, you had good jobs and rent was fine, but you knew it would be a difficult process.

Only a few of you were single now, both you and Bucky, although you would gladly change that any day. James Buchanan Barnes. A man you had fancied for years. He was too blind to see it of course. Not that you showed it. The two of you constantly fought, but also joked, if anything you saw him and Sam the most, probably because the three of you were the single ones. There was Peter, but he was a few years younger, and even he had a girl.

Meeting up with everyone on Friday after everyone had finished work was weird, you were sat with Sam and Buck, not everyone could make it, but of course the three of you were ready to turn up. Although you hated seeing playboy Bucky, although those years were long gone.

“You good?” Bucky asked nudging your shoulder,

You grimaced, “I’m fab Buck. But like… Love is stupid” you said looking around at the lovey dovey couples,

He chuckled and smiled across at you, “Ahhh, it’s not that bad” He said, “Look at all those rom coms you watch. You call it cute then”  

“That’s because they are cute Buck, but now I want my friends” I whined, “But ok no, I want what they have” I said dropping the dumbest hints.

“I’m sure you’ll find someone soon, we just gotta make sure they’re good for you”

Bucky had a smirk on his face, “Don’t get all protective over me now Buck”

“Naww, I’m always protective over you” he said putting his arm around you and pulling you into his arms slightly, “You’re my best girl” He stated,

All you could do was smell his aftershave, over the years his smell had almost matured more and more, but it was sexy as hell. Whenever you stayed over at his and Sam’s place after a drunken night, you always ended up in one of Buckys hoodies, or tops, and the smell was just as intoxicating to you now as much as it is then.

“That’s sweet Buck, but it makes me feel like I’ll be single until I turn 35, after that, Sam and I made a pact when we were kids that if we’re both still single, that we’d just end up marrying one another”

Sam winked at me, “You got it, your present for your 35th birthday will be an engagement ring from yours truly”

Bucky tightened his grip around you, “Shame, Steve broke our pact like that. He’s got a girl and everything”

Steve overheard this and turned our way, “Still hurting over that huh, and to think, everyone thought you would’ve settled down first playboy”

“Still hurts that you left me like that Stevie”

Everyone laughed at that, but conversations carried on, Buckys arm had dropped down to your waist now instead, lingering there, although you acted like you couldn’t feel it, the whole time it’s all you could think about as it made your heart hammer in your chest.

Both Nat and Wanda had shared a glance before the both of them looking at you, Peggy also catching on quickly.

You rolled your eyes at how dramatic they were being but a smile still on your face, this happens often enough, the two of you don’t necessarily flirt, but you do, you want to believe there is chemistry there, the way he treats you, the way he plays with your hair, always makes sure you’ve eaten, makes sure you get home safely.

Everyone soon slowly started to disperse, Wanda told you that she would be staying the night with Vision which meant you had to walk back or grab a taxi to your place alone.

“I’ll walk you home” Bucky offered once Sam had managed to pull,

“I’ll be fine Buck” You smiled at him as you walked outside, the cold breeze hitting your face, making you realise how hot and stuffy that place can get,

“Like hell am I letting my girl wander around the city by herself at this time” He said putting his elbow out,

You intertwined your hand through his elbow, as the two of you started walking, “Tonight was nice, makes me miss everyone though” You mumbled leaning your head against his arm, you could feel his bicep, and you knew you would only be lucky to be wrapped up in this mans arms,

“Same, scary how everyone is starting families, and we’re just… here”

You chuckled at that, “Only a matter of time before Wan moved in with Vis”

“Yeah? Well whenever that happens, Steves room is still free” He grinned at you, “Then I’ll have my girl a lot closer” He always said this, always called you his girl but never acted on it. The only time he got close to acting on it was when you were being hit on by a random guy in the bar. He got possessive and attractively dangerous at certain times.

“Eugh, imagine living with boys full time” You joked trying to ignore the comments.  

He let out a loud laugh, “Oh, trust me it’ll be a big difference than living with Wanda and Nat”

“I’ve stayed there and I know, and it’s mostly me here anyway, at the moment I’m enjoying my peace and quiet, but also missing the commotion”

“Don’t blame you, at least it’s not a bad set of apartments around here”

You lived in a nice neighbourhood, especially considering New York rates, but you had a very well paid job, no family responsibilities, and put in your savings just as much as you spent on rent. You were fine.

“They’re very nice” You murmured with a small shiver,

Bucky had noticed this and as soon as he did, he stopped, “Shit, sorry Y/N, I promise I was raised better than this” He said,

You stared at him confused, wondering why he stopped but he soon gave you his jacket, you were in awe at the fact that he gave you his jacket,

“Bucky” You pouted, “Thank you” You wrapped yourself in his jacket, the smell of his cologne stronger than before, but so much warmer.

“Anything for you sugar, besides you look better in it than I do, I like you wearing my stuff” He murmured kissing your forehead,

The two of you carried on walking, mostly in silence, it was nice though. Times like this with Bucky meant the world to you.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours” He asked when you were only a block away from your apartment building,

You shook your head, “I just… like this” You said, “Spending time with you, it’s nice”

He smiled at that, his pearly whites on show, and his beautiful blue eyes twinkling, “I knew I was better company than Wilson”

You laughed at that, “I’m being serious Buck, you just… I don’t know. You make me feel safe and happy, even at 1am walking through the streets of New York”

“Good, because I’m always here to keep you safe” He said,

You stared up at him, so often, when he made comments like that it made you think, does he feel the way you do. Does he want to be with you as much as you want to be with him?

“You’ve got a dangerous look on your face there sugar.”

“No I don’t buck” you whispered before going into your apartment building, nodding at the doorman who also smiled at Buck,

“Yes you do” he said following you into the lift,

You couldn’t help but raise your eyebrows at him and crossing your arms across your chest, he always made fun of you for this but you couldn’t help it,

He tried to supress his smirk, “You look cute sugar, and what was that dangerous look for huh?”

It was just the two of you in the elevator, you didn’t expect him to come up with you,

“I don’t know Buck… like sometimes, sometimes you just make some comments or act a certain way and it makes me overthink. It’s stupid”

He didn’t say anything, instead he had an intense look on his face, his thinking face, although rarely was he this deep in thought, the elevator stopped on your floor and the two of you walked across the landing towards your door, he still hadn’t said anything as the two of you entered your apartment, you kicked your shoes off, and didn’t take Bucks Jacket off until you got to your room, Bucky Still following you.

He stared at your intently, “Don’t look at me like that” you grumbled taking his jacket off, missing the warmth it had and his smell and hanging it back to him, he threw the jacket on the bed before coming up to you, he seemed so much taller right now since you took your heels off, he brushed a strand of hair out of your face, still giving you the same look,

“You know, these last few years, I was hoping at some point you would realise why I’ve scared off any guy who comes near you. Why I’ve always been there to look out for you, making sure my fav girl knows she’s my only girl. But you just… you don’t see it. But I think you do. I know you do” He voice was so deep and low, turning you on slightly, he had a dark look in his eyes, but his blue eyes still piercing into you,

“Maybe youre the one whos not caught on Buck, come on, I’ve not cared about any other guy for years, especially when youre the only guy I can see” You whispered at him,

That’s all the conformation he needed before pinning you up against your bedroom door, you gasped at the strength and speed he had, a hand caressing your jaw slowly, before he pressed his lips against your own, you moaned at this he kept you pinned against the door. The kiss was rough but held all the passion your needed, he grabbed your wandering hands before holding them above your head in one place with one of his hands, the other grabbing your hip, pressing himself up against you, the kiss soon turned into kisses down your neck as he bit and sucked his way down,

“Buck” You moaned out feeling a small wetness between your thighs, shocked at the sudden pleasure, if you knew your body would react like this, you would’ve said something sooner, the pleasure this made caused you within seconds was more than any man had done before.

“You’re mine Y/N” He growled out, “You’re mine, and I’m going to make sure it takes more than just my cologne all over you for you to know that” He said before picking you up and throwing you on your bed before joining you.

The two of you making love in ways you didnt expect with him, not realising he felt the way you did, and him giving you want you wanted, no needed. 

A/N: Lol I’m so sorryyyy I’m trying to write more and moreeee. Hope you enjoy though, any requests send them my wayyyyyy 

[liesoverthec]

I would love to know why you think Buddie could get together this season after “Buck Begins”?

For me, I think it’s also a very good possibility.

Okay so: this is definitely what I would write for a 4x06 Buddie get together if I were in charge. I’m not saying this is gonna happen, but it’s how I predict things would/should go if Buddie is going to get together this season:

Well, I think (1) that the COVID Crush is not a love interest. Chim is too invested in teasing him, Tim is too interested in misleading us and Buck is not embarrassed enough for it to be a woman he’s involved w/ romantically.

(2) I saw someone mention that someone else said that Chim is making a lot of the same mistakes that Eddie did (I didn’t see the original post at all so credit to whomever!) where Chim is assuming what his partner needs, and not actually supporting her the way she needs/wants (although Chim is definitely not wrong about the safety aspect of the situation). But if we could get a conversation between Chim and Eddie, where Eddie says look man, I was a bad partner, don’t make the same mistakes I did, it would be a HUGE step forward to showing that Eddie is ready to move on and be a good partner to someone 👀.

And (3) Eddie Begins was such a big Buddie moment, and now we’re coming up on Buck Begins, and I think Eddie is absolutely going to be a support for Buck w his parents here, because Maddie and Chim and Albert are all on the inside of this situation, so Eddie will be Buck’s outside, calm, rational eyes and advice.

Also (4) I don’t think it’s going to happen, but if it’s what I want, then Buck’s conflict with his parents will be bc he’s bi. I then want it to lead to Buck confiding in Eddie about his sexuality, and it leads to a charged moment where they make eye contact and one of them looks at the other’s lips. And maybe nothing physically happens then, but the episode ends w/ them having a couple of beers, reallllllyyyy close on the couch, and Eddie asking Buck out on a date.

For sure, it’s a lot to have to happen which I am probably not right about, but I really do feel that even if it doesn’t happen this exact way, every episode we’re getting closer to both Eddie and Buck being in the right place emotionally to be together. As much as I wanted it earlier, they both had some big hang ups that would have cheapened the relationship if they’d gotten together before the show addressed it.

Fox is definitely going the route of “getting better separately, then getting together” when I feel like normally shows go for “grow together”. And honestly, I feel like the emotional pay off of doing it this way, is going to be fantastic. So I’m always on the look out for it happening, but also trusting them as to why it’s taking so long.

[megthemewlingquim]

  ❛   i want you. and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twist in my dark soul.   ❜   Bucky gets jealous of someone (Sam maybe) but he doesn't think he deserves the reader bc of his past? Followed by some very sweet smut?

Sugar, Sweetheart, Angel

Summary: Bucky can't help himself when it comes to you — especially when Sam's away with a girl.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: sweet... but not too explicit smut, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex, corny poetry about jealousy, Bucky being shy but very, very loving

A/N: Hi, loves! Happy Kinktober. This is my DAY ONE entry. I promise, I will get into more explicit smut as the month goes on.

“Nah, go on, man. Have your fun.”

Mistake Number One.

He feels the regret immediately after the words slip out of his mouth, and it only worsens when he sees Sam go off with a girl — a dame — beside him. She’s beautiful, with chocolate skin and velvet eyes and long, braided hair.

But, in his lonesome state, he turns and sees you.

Dancing to the unrecognizable tune that’s pulsing through everyone at the club, lit up by neon purple, green and blue lights and a smile that literally glows in the dark.

Mistake Number Two. 

Because his eyes don’t leave your figure and his mouth doesn’t open and — of course — his pants have gotten much, much tighter. 

Hope rises within him, but it quickly fades.

You’ve been on Bucky’s mind for ages.

You started out as Sam’s friend, his partner in superhero work. No, you couldn’t fly or move things with your mind or control lightning and thunder, but you could hack into computers and software, and you could actually use a knife well. You met both Sam and Bucky after the war for the world, after he and Sam were dusted and you lost your boyfriend for five years. And of course, with no contact for that long, even if it’s not intentional, a relationship can crack and dissolve.

So you were a hardened, tough wreck, but one that was starting to pick up pieces and put yourself back together. You were starting to learn to love again, and to fight for what you loved and who you loved... which, when you started working with Sam, was only your family.

Bucky was completely awestruck when he saw you for the first time. He was reminded of all of the pretty dames from the 40′s, the ones with shorter hair and cherry red lipstick. You brought him back to his sergeant years....

And when you make eye contact with him for one, split second moment, even before his sergeant years.

And there he is.

The boy who grew up with very overprotective parents. The boy who was scared of growing up, the boy who was so shy around the fifth grade girls. And the sixth grade girls. And so on.

Bucky is transported back to those years, and all he can do is look at you.

You’re free, it seems. You’re liberated, you’re unhinged, as you dance and sway to the tune... which now seems to be a slower, more psychedelic song. (Sam taught him that word. Enter Pink Floyd.) Your arms lift and you look up, absolutely content and so in love with the music and the lights and...

Well, not with him. That’s for sure.

He sighs, going over to sit at a vacant table. It smells of beer, the aftermath of an arm wrestle from whoever sat there last. Lifting a hand up to scratch his stubble, he finally tears his eyes away from you; he does not want to seem creepy.

Mistake Number Three.

Because he does not see you come up to him, sit down on an empty chair beside him.

“See something you like, James?”

He shudders at the use of the name. Not that it’s a bad shudder — it’s just... it sounds lovely coming from your lips.

You must take it as a bad sign, because you look down at your shoes. “Sorry,” you mumble. “Sorry, Buck.”

His voice lifts a little. “No, sweetheart, it’s okay.” The term of endearment goes unnoticed by you. He’s used it with you so often, and even the first time you were numb to it. It fell on deaf ears, as it does now. “It’s okay. You can call me that... if you want to.”

He pauses. “I... I did see something I liked, by the way.”

“Oh, yeah?” Now it’s your voice that lifts. “And what was that?”

Either you’re really, really ignorant, or you’re doing it to be a tease and to piss him off. Bucky can’t tell.

“You.”

He says it bluntly. No hiding, no blushing, no nothing. Because he knows that you won’t think anything of it.

Not that you don’t like him back. You absolutely do. It’s just that you’ve been so hardened, so toughened, so numb to the fact that anyone might love you back, and Bucky knows it.

“Hm,” you mumble, “thank you.” It’s as sincere as you can make it sound, which isn’t very.

There’s an uncomfortable pause, one in which you’re both thinking the same thing.

“I want you,” he says, “and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twist in my dark soul.”

Every word from Bucky falls from his lips like weights. They drop, then they sit where they land. One lands on your shoe, the others land on the floor. He’s keeping eye contact with you, his gaze intense and... regretful? Introspective? Sincere? Sad?

You blink. And then you laugh.

Not at him, he quickly realizes.

“That’s some Billie Eilish type shit,” you giggle, “but that’s okay. I like her music... but hearing you say it is somehow much more corny.” You break off into more snickers. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” You do mean the apology.

He’s a little hurt, but he expected it. He accepts the apology wordlessly.

“I’m serious,” he says, and then you shut the hell up. “Completely serious.” He lifts his hand up and points his index finger at you. “You’re the one I want. Not Sam’s dame, not a girl I kissed in a hallway after knowing her for a month seventy years ago and never saw again.”

It’s a little insult to Steve, you remember. But then you remember what Steve actually did, and how he did it, and exactly who he left behind.

So this means something.

“I like you. I want you. And I love you, whether you know it or not.” He stops, leans in close so his lips are less than a centimeter from your ear, whispers the next part: “Whether you’ll accept it or not.”

His breath is hot on your neck, and he takes a warm hand in yours. It’s his flesh hand. Your heart is racing, and you note that Bucky can probably hear it. 

“Buck -” you stammer, “I — I don’t —”

“You don’t have to say yes, sugar,” he says nonchalantly, but with that sincere tone still lingering. “But you have to realize that some people actually do like you. Want you. Love you.”

He pulls back, his face so close to yours it’s almost claustrophobic for you. The tension in the room is overwhelming, and the air is stuffy and hot and you don’t know how to react to any of this.

“I do,” he continues, “even if that son of a bitch didn’t. You’d think that after five years of not seeing you, he’d come rushing back with flowers and chocolates and a weddin’ ring. You’d think that distance would make a relationship stronger, if it’s the right one.”

“He was dead,” you croak.

“So you thought. And what did he do? He left...Tell ya what, sweetheart,” he says, his tone lightening once again. “Why don’t you let me show you how I feel instead of telling you?”

His hand travels up your thigh and stays there.

“I’ve loved you for so long,” he whispers, “and you don’t know how long it’s taken me to actually say it. Because now you’re listening. Now you’re learning. Now, hopefully, you’ll begin to accept it.” He looks down, down at your lips, then back up to your eyes.

Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, he looks nervous. He stammers out the beginnings of words, never meeting your eyes. "Er — I don't — I don't deserve you. I really don't. You're an absolute angel compared to me. I've — I've killed people, I've done things that you'd recoil at.... I just hope that you come to realize that I love you. I adore you. And if something happened to you, I'd never forgive myself."

It takes a moment for you to collect your thoughts.

You shove them all aside and kiss him.

It’s gentle, and it’s warm and welcoming and it’s Bucky. He lightly takes a hold of your cheek and pulls you further in. The hand that was once on your thigh is now in your hair, at the very back of your head. His lips are soft, which is strange, because you know he used to bite and pick at them, especially when he was nervous... which was often.

You feel like you’re going to topple off of your chair, but if that happens, you won’t mind, because you have Bucky there to catch you.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here,” he says after pulling back, nudging his head at the exit. “My place.”

All you can do is nod your head.

He cooks you dinner, the gentleman. It’s unexpected... you thought you’d just be a fling for tonight.

It’s chicken caprese - seasoned chicken breast with basil, mozzarella cheese, tomatoes and balsamic vinegar. A classic Italian dish, and a classic date night dish.

If you want to call this a date.

After you’re both done, he does the dishes. You both agree to brush your teeth and rinse with mouthwash.

He’s on you directly afterward, latching his lips onto yours in a frenzy. You ground yourself by gripping onto the bathroom counter with white knuckles. He towers over you now, leaning over you and surrounding you with his seemingly much larger form. You’re a small thing.

“Bed — ” he gasps. “Bed, now, please.”

He picks you up, hands on your ass, and you have no choice to wrap your legs around him and hold on. Somehow, you make your way into a bedroom.

He lays you down as if you could break if handled less carefully, and lays down beside you for a minute, doing nothing but taking in the sight of you all breathless and blushing.

He's never seen you blush before. It's a very pretty sight.

"You know," he says, "I haven't done this in forever: properly made love to a woman. But I want to do it right. I want to make you feel loved, sweetheart."

Loved. Not "good". Loved.

"Bucky, there's really no need." There you go again, denying it. It infuriates him and saddens him, but he only sighs.

"How bout this. How bout you... for an hour or so.. just forget about that sonofabitch that left you. Forget about the denial he gave you. And, just for an hour or two, maybe just try to accept the absolute fact that I want to treat you better than he did. Just because he left doesn't mean that I will."

You don't say anything.

"Do you trust me?" he asks rhetorically. "See, you really shouldn't, but you do. I often think, 'How the hell could anyone trust me?' but I accept that fact because you just do.

"That's how I feel with you. You don't think that people should be able to love you, but they do. I do. And I want to show you that.”

“You did make me dinner,” you say with a light smile, your stone exterior cracking a little.

He nods. “That’s one of the million things I’d do for you.” There’s a split second pause that does not prepare you for what he says next. 

“I’d marry you,” he says. Only then does he kiss you, when you’re too stunned to move. You kiss him back, your grip on him heavy this time. He notices, and he smiles.

Clothes are quickly discarded and hot, fast breaths are all you hear for a while. Bucky latches his lips onto your own lips, your neck, your jaw, wherever they can reach, and his hands do the same. 

But when you’re both naked, taking in the sight of each other, your breathing slows, and you both stop, let time pass before anything continues. He breathes out a question, one of consent, and you say yes.

Soft whispers and touches are what your senses take in. Bucky takes note of your every gasp, every whimper and every moan that you make, and remembers what to do to make you do it again.

For example, you like your left breast fondled more than your right. Your neck is a sensitive spot, especially right below your right earlobe. You really like it when he kisses your palms and your inner wrists. You do not like the idea of cunnilingus, unfortunately for Bucky, though you’ve never actually done it.

“Next time maybe we could try it,” he says.  Next time.

You notice, in a random moment, that he does everything with his flesh hand.

His fingers find your intimate parts, and explore there slowly, spreading your wetness all around and rubbing at your clit in slow circles. You don’t moan until the very end, where you’re almost ready to come. His eyes never leave yours, even when yours leave his in a rush of sudden bliss and a shuddered breath.

“Look at me,” he whispers. “I want to see you. I want to see you come.”

You gasp at that, throwing your head forward and looking at him with a look that can only be described as desperation.

“Come for me,” is all he says, a low whisper laced with lust. You clench around his fingers as you come, whining and gasping, and he touches your forehead with his as you’re lost in that wonderful feeling of ecstasy. He mumbles something under his breath, and your brain registers it a millisecond later:

“’Atta girl.”

At that, another rush of pleasure jolts through you and you shudder and twitch, your body becoming oversensitive. 

He doesn’t let you go down on him. Today, he says, is all about you, and you deserve all the loving he can give you today.

Which means he buries himself inside of you quite quickly, holding onto you with an iron grip. You’re on top of him, looking down at his sweaty, awestruck smile.

This is Bucky’s way of making love with you today: very deep, passionate strokes set to a faster rhythm than you thought he would go, but you don’t mind. In fact, you’re moaning almost as soon as you feel the first thrust, and your hair hangs a little in his face as you let your head fall closer to his. He wraps his arms around your torso, bringing you closer to him. So, his thrusts are more shallow but you can get all close with him.

You moan and sob, the wonderful feeling of warmth in your gut never leaving once but only growing. Bucky himself grunts as he thrusts, emitting a breathy chuckle once in a while when he notices how hard you’re gripping onto him.

There are no words here, only sounds and gestures. Enough words have been said.

Once you’re both satisfied and his seed starts to dry on your breasts, all you do is look at each other.

Two souls, two people, two broken hearts that have begun to mend.

[cinematicnomad]

1, 7, 25 for the fanfic end of year ask :)

001. favorite fic you wrote this year i have a soft spot for take my hand (take my everything) which was the first fic i wrote this year! and kind of the first step back into writing creatively on something new that wasn’t the 7 year monster sterek fic. also my first foray into 9-1-1 fic and was just a lot of fun! 

007. longest completed fic you wrote this year the longest fic i wrote was my second for the year! so show me (family) wound up being around 16k+ for 9-1-1 which kind of burst out of me over the course of one 48 hour window unlike take my hand which took a few weeks to crank out. 

025. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read SO MANY FICS DUDE!!! i’m gonna rec a couple, some that i re-read this year and some that i discovered for the first time, all from a variety of fandoms. BUT heads up, you didn’t specify a fandom so it’s gonna be a little scattered. also someone else sent me this same question but specified 9-1-1, so i’m gonna reserve those recs for that ask. GET READY!!

and this, your living kiss by opal_bullets (7/7 | 84k+ | M) destiel; AU: college/university; john winchester’s A+ parenting; angst with a happy ending

only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet jack allen is just kansas mechanic dean winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen.

until, that is, a string of coincidences leads dean to auditing a poetry course with one dr. castiel novak. the professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia’s foremost expert on the poetry of jack allen.

note: i discovered this fic back in the pre-pandemic times of feb 2020 and i’ve read this fic TWICE since, leaving a lengthy comment each time. the poetry in the fic itself is stunningly gorgeous and i have a habit of reading it out loud to myself while reading bc it begs to be heard. this fic is seriously beautiful and makes me want to read all the poet!dean au’s out there in the world. unfortunately there aren’t that many so i just keep coming back to this well. i don’t think i can express enough how much i love this fic. 

lost time by ARCurren (105/105 | 350k+ | T)  bransonxsybil; AU: canon divergent; outsider POVs; original characters; slow burn

the story of a free spirit who was asked to give up the man she loved for a system she didn’t believe in and what happened next. AU after 3.04. 

note: did i think, when i stumbled across this fic years ago, that it would wind up being one of my all time favorites that i return to time and again to re-read? never. did i re-read it for like the dozenth time this year?? 110%. this fic is everything i want from fanfiction—it’s beautifully written, expands on canon, and shows me all the hidden moments the cameras never did (not to mention it’s historically accurate and delves deep into irish politics of the time). the first third or so of this fic is all about tom and sybil’s slow burn romance at downton, but the fic really bursts into its own when we follow the two to dublin and get introduced to all of the author’s deliciously detailed oc’s. heads up warning: this fic was never officially completed, though the final chapter is a beautifully written summary of the final arc of the fic. even so, it’s fucking worth it. 

misfire by mothlights & unpossible (6/6 | 28k+ | T) sterek; time travel; angst with a happy ending; alive hale family; magic; alternating POV

“the debt must be repaid,” she says, and it has the weight of a vow. the words resonate through him, ringing through his ribcage and the bones of his jaw, and stiles loses his breath and maybe his grip on reality because she draws herself upright and where there had once stood a supermodel-level MILK now there is galadriel’s much hotter older sister, a presence of unmistakable power in their ordinary, smells-vaguely-of-thai-takeout hallway. 

“oh shit,” stiles says. 

note: this fic is the first in the misfire ‘verse and i need you to understand that it literally broke me when i binge read these fics a month or so ago. i am a sucker for a solid time travel fic especially bc there are such few good ones in fandom. but this gets at the heart of it all by exploring the idea of stiles getting the chance to save derek’s family and taking it...after he and derek are romantically together in his true timeline and then actually dealing with the ramifications of how that alters everything and how stiles survives in this new present where he and derek are virtual strangers. everyone should definitely read this, but you should also know that i fucking sobbed while reading the sequel (which also has a happy ending, but really digs deep into the nitty gritty angst of the repercussions). 

map of the world by seperis (11/11 | 154k+ | M)  destiel; end!verse; alternate universe; canon divergent; original characters; slow burn

the world’s already over and they’re already dead. all they’re doing now is marking time until the end. 

note: look, if you don’t know about down to agincourt by @seperis, what are you doing with your life?? the series is over 1M+ words so far, the fic author is on book 4 out of a planned 8, and it’s fucking phenomenal. i know i’ve tagged a couple of these recs as slow burn but...this is the slowest slow burn to ever burn. canon!dean travels back into the end!verse timeline just as lucifer kills dean and somehow cas made it out alive and has to keep dean safe while he learns to become his end!verse counterpoint. the world building in this series is intense and i cannot recommend it enough. i’m still in the midst of my re-read bc it’s SUCH an endeavor but i highly recommend it to everybody. 

invictus by ellanasan (116/116 | 355+ | M) hayffie; au: alive abernathy family; pre-hunger games; canon prostitution; slow burn

“so then, before i can even think about doing something stupid like trying to stab him with his fucking golden paperknife, he gives me a choice, see?” haymitch continued, almost detached. “either i play nice like all the other victors or he’ll kill my family. i could either become his puppet—greatest punishment he could give me, according to him—or i could become the example.”

AU in which haymitch’s family lives.

note: hello, have you ever wondered what the hunger games series would be like if haymitch’s family were alive? i fucking hadn’t until 2 years ago when i stumbled across this fic and fell head over heels in love with this ship. @ellanainthetardis is my go to hunger games fic writer for anything exploring canon and i’m obsessed with anything she writes about the OG victors pre-canon (finnick, joanna, chaff, etc). this fic is just 300k+ exploring that world and all the intricate details of how cruel the games could really be. HIGHLY recommend. i definitely re-read it this fall when i needed a pick me up.

don’t know what i’m supposed to do (haunted by the ghost of you) by crazyassmurdererwall (1/1 | 30k+ | T) sterek; canon divergent; angst with a happy ending; ghosts; stiles POV

stiles sees dead people. yep. seriously.

(he’s got this. he’s totally got this. so what if one of them is derek’s mom?)

note: did you know that @crazyassmurdererwall is one of my all time favorite people? and that she’s wicked talented? and that in our spare time she’ll send me a billion fic ideas that are amazing and i get to hear all the intricate details of her plot bunnies? but i digress. this fic is one of my all time fave sterek fics i’ve re-read it sooo many times. there’s just something about the heartache and stiles’ insecurity and the way he tries to shoulder it all on his own. and then there’s alli’s brilliant writing, the way she weaves through a scene and paints a picture just so and manages to tug at your heart strings with her precise word choice. there’s some amazing world building in this fic as it explores this other facet of the supernatural that canon teen wolf never touched upon, and i’m so grateful for that bc alli is the only one who should be allowed to write about ghosts and teen wolf together. 

lagavulin and guinness by snarfle (10/10 | 163k+ | explicit) hartwin; slow burn; PTSD; suicidal thoughts; graphic depictions of violence; domestic abuse

plenty of people had looked down on eggsy throughout his life. he had gotten fairly used to it. didn’t mean it was fair, but he knew how these things worked. what really sucked was that the new arthur was worse than the old one.

“eggsy grimaced. he didn’t know how to explain to harry—who seemed like he hadn’t been discriminated against a day in his life—that the new arthur kept giving him what amounted to suicide missions, and that he was currently bleeding out in a warehouse because of the deliberately bad intel she had given him.”

also featuring: dean is harder to get rid of than eggsy thought, his mum is going off the deep end, there are way too many nefarious plots in play, and eggsy is really beginning to wish that harry would stop holding his hand and kiss him instead.

note: look, i know i recced this literally less than a week ago but i ALSO stayed up til 5AM re-reading this last night and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. i was on a bit of a kingsman kick earlier this year, so i’ve actually re-read this fic TWICE so far in 2020. i will give you a serious warning in that this fic delves deep into domestic abuse through the lens of a variety of different relationships. it also explores the potential for abuse in hartwin, bc this fic is one of the few that actually commits to the fact that they’re literal spies who murder people. actively. a lot. but seriously, this fic is one of my fave in the fandom and i STRONGLY recommend it. 

waste of breath by bryrosea (1/1 | 22k+ | M) loganxveronica; canon compliant; missing scenes; navy; past child abuse

logan echolls, the nine years, and the navy.

note: bryrosea has an obscene number of amazing logan and veronica fics (her canon divergent series stay with me is another i re-read this year), but i’ve found myself returning to this fic a lot over the years. i’m a sucker for canon compliant fics that explore the missing scenes in between canon and this fic hits all the right buttons by diving deep into how logan echolls went from being a trash fire at hearst college at the end of s3 to being a decorated navy pilot by the movie. it explores logan seeking out therapy and making a life for himself that he can be proud of, all while pining after the girl who got away. and bc this author is amazing, she followed it up with a sequel from veronica’s point of view in the series done by only me. 

the law of equivalent exchange by awed_frog (8/8 | 60k+ | M) destiel; POV castiel; pre-canon; post-canon; canon compliant; immortality; reincarnation

“and what’s the point of it?”

“of love? there isn’t one. loving is its own purpose.” 

note: i mean??? i don’t really know what to say except that this is one of the truly most beautiful fics i have ever read. it follows castiel through time as he meets different reincarnations of sam and dean across history and falls ever more deeply in love. it is achingly tender and so ecstatically written that i die just thinking about it. and that summary? i mean. holy fuck break my heart why don’t you? i don’t know how i missed out on this fic for so long since it was published in 2015 but i only learned about it for the first time back in july and it was. life changing?? when the fic finally reaches the canon timeline and he meets THIS dean it’s peak yearning. 10/10 will read again.

ahead in the count by elisela (17/17 | 50k+ | E) sterek; AU: sports; pitcher!stiles; teacher!derek; long distance relationship; getting together

“yankee fan,” derek says, laughing when stiles makes a disgusted face. “the bronx bombers, stiles, you can’t be a new yorker and—”

“stop talking right now,” stiles sighs, shaking his head. “i can’t believe i still want to kiss you after that,” he says, pulling derek in by his coat. “this is making me rethink everything.” 

“i’ll never watch them again,” derek promises, and stiles laughs against his mouth. 

or: stiles is a starting pitcher for the NY mets when he meets and falls in love with derek. derek doesn’t know. 

note: i read SO MANY of @elisela’s 911 fics this summer, which i loved, and then she got into teen wolf and started writing sterek and i just about died. this fic is amazing, one of my fave sterek AU’s that i’ve read in years. it’s just the right amount of drama and angst and fluff filled with all the joys of miscommunication and character relationships that makes reading sterek such a joy. reading this fic and finding out eli needed fic recs pushed me to dive back in to reading sterek fics for a bit this fall so i can say with the utmost authority that this is one of the best i’ve read in a long time. 

i used to think one day we’d tell the story of us by notequitegucci (2/2 | 32k+ | M) gendrya; alternate universe—modern setting; outsider POV; friends to lovers; friends to lovers

9 times a stark encounters gendry + 1 time he meets the starks.

note: again, this is the first in a 2 part series titled love me like you do that explores arya and gendry’s dynamics together through the point of view of her family. game of thrones ended last year with a whimper but i keep returning to the gendrya tag on ao3 to seek out new, amazing content and also to re-read some old favorites. i can’t remember if i came across this for the first time last year or this one, but i’ve read it and re-read it more times than i can count since and i love it more than i can describe. i’m a total sucker for outsider POV fics and my biggest pet peeve in canon is the fact that none of the stark’s ever found out that arya and gendry had a history together. this modern au fic almost makes up for it by giving me a gendry encounter with every family member and then the big reveal. it’s peak content. 

theeeeeeese recs got a little away from me. i wasn’t originally intending on adding lengthy notes to each entry but ... oh well!! these are all amazing so please enjoy. 

fanfic end of the year asks

[drewbarymore]

the ugly emotion

Summary: You feel something that starts with a j and ends with ealousy but don’t want to admit it.

Word Count: 3.2k+

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warning(s): j-ealousy

a/n: ngl the title’s from b99 lol and honestly i feel like this is uhh off bc ive been off for the past week(s) but hey hello. also this was typed up on my laptop so idk how fucked up it’ll look on mobile but i honestly have no expectations at this point. also i saw something about the keep reading feature not working on mobile so im sorry in advance for the people who would scroll through this whole ass thing i swear i tried

It's unnecessary.

Whatever this is you're feeling right now, you know it only ever brings miscommunication and unwarranted fights in relationships, or at least that's the case from what you've seen.

You hate yourself for feeling this way, even more so as you think of Bucky—how good of a partner he is and how he makes you feel. You almost want to walk over to him and tell him you're sorry, if only the feeling isn't so unapologetic itself, rooting you to the ground and twisting your insides.

You look away, sighing and knowing that it's only a matter of seconds before you're looking in their direction again, torturing yourself even further.

This is dumb, this is stupid, this is unnecessary, it's childish, it's very unhealthy.

"Hey, babydoll." And then he's wrapping his arms around you and kissing your temple, and suddenly the ugly feeling dissipates, and your thoughts quiet down, even the ones you're using to counter the negative ones. It always feels like this in his arms—serene, calm, like everything wrong in your world's suddenly gone.

"Hey," you turn your head to look at him, smiling as you raise your hands and cradle his face with it.

"How you doin'?" he asks, hand automatically coming up to your waist, exactly where the huge bruise is forming from a pretty bad hit you took on your last mission.

"Good," you lie, "what about—"

Before you can finish your sentence, a knock on the clear glass wall separating the room you're in and the office for the other SHIELD agents outside sounds around the room, drawing your attention to the already open door.

"Sorry," she says apologetically, her eyes on you before turning to Bucky. "Buck, it's time to go."

Buck. You almost scoff at the nickname, but you swallow it down, hands falling from his face to your sides. You hate the way it rolls off her tongue, all smooth and beautiful sounding with a voice that could pretty much make the most ridiculous things sound alluring. You don't dare think of what Bucky thinks of it, how he must really like how it sounds. How it may not be just a stupid nickname of an already-nickname anymore, like how it probably does when you say it.

"It's alright," He smiles at her, and your heart plummets to your feet.

You want to yell out no, that it's not okay. She interrupted the first time you've talked in almost a week with all of these missions and planning and—

You plaster a smile on your face just as he turns to you, nodding.

This is dumb, this is stupid, this is unnecessary, it's childish, it's very unhealthy.

She's smart, beautiful, and a damn good agent. You have no reason to be rude to her. It's not her fault they were partnered up because you couldn't go. Because you took a lot of bad hits from last week's mission and you needed to rest. Because you're not really half as good as her, and if you were, you wouldn't have been injured. Because you—

"'Kay, baby, I need you to be our eye, okay? Need you to be lookin' 'round the area through the cameras while we follow our guy around.”

You hate how he's talking to you, absolutely fuming from it. He doesn't talk to her that way. Or anyone for that matter. He doesn't talk to anyone like they're five-year-olds who needed extremely dumbed down instructions, like he can't use big tactical words because you won't understand.

You want to push him off you, push him to her and tell them to get the fuck on with it while you wait in the surveillance room like a dumb piece of—

You nod, smiling at him tersely, and then turning your gaze to look at her to do the same.

"We'll be quick. This is a stakeout more than anything. Annissa's good at this, right?" He looks over at her and smiles again.

And suddenly you don't know what you hate more, the way he talks to you or the way he talks to her.

You step away from him, looking down as you gather your things. "Okay. I'll be there. You two should get going." you say, trying to even out your voice as much as possible.

You smile at the both of them one more time before walking out of the room, half of it because you don't want to be in the same vicinity as the two of them anymore, and half of it because you don't want Bucky catching on. You can't risk him knowing what you feel. It's stupid and childish and ugly. This is a mission, not a goddamn situation planned out solely to cause you to be...jealous. God, the thought of the word alone makes you want to gag. The world doesn't revolve around you or your relationship.

It's not a personal attack against your insecurities, it's a mission. Or at least that's what you try to remind yourself as you watch them get in a cafe. The very same one you and Bucky frequent in your days off.

"Woah, it's pretty...dark in here," Wanda says as she enters the room, making you turn around in your chair and look at her.

You blink at her. "The lights are on."

"I'm not talking lights, sweetie." She smiles tauntingly, gesturing to you. "It's your...aura."

"First of all, don't sweetie me. Second, no it's not." You roll your eyes, turning back to the screens in front of you.

"Ah," she draws out, taking a seat next to you. You side-eye her, seeing her eyes glued to the screen. "I see."

You cross your arms, setting your blank gaze onto the screen and blatantly ignoring her comment.

"Actually you know what, I take it back," she turns her whole body to you, squinting her eyes, "your aura isn't dark. It's more...green."

"You need to stop pausing right before saying another word." you quip.

"And you need to stop steering the conversation away from you." she counters.

"Alright," you sigh, "it's your day off, right? Go get out and get some sun or something."

Her smile widens. "Don't want to. Planned on having a day in with you, so here I am."

"Where's Nat?"

"Got sent out somewhere, too." She shrugs.

You nod, watching as they get out of the cafe and out of the cameras' scope. You sit up in alarm. Bucky said they would stay where the cameras could see them.

You hear a giggle from beside you, and you realize your mistake. You clear your throat, leaning back down on your chair, eyes still darting around the screen. You suppress the sigh of relief that threatens to come out when you see them on another street. They probably just followed their guy.

"It's okay, Y/N," Wanda says, "you can breathe."

"Stop it." you warn her.

She laughs. "Look, it's completely okay to be jealous—"

"I'm not jealous. It's immature and dumb and there's no need for it. This is a mission, this is not about me or us. He's just doing his job, it's not his fault that he got partnered up with someone else because I was stupid the last time and needed to recover—"

"Okay, hey. Hey," Wanda grabs your arm, stopping you from you rant. "It's okay. I understand."

You sigh, closing your eyes. "It's just...he always does everything he can to make sure I don't feel insecure about our relationship, and I feel like I'm failing to do my part when I get—when I get this ugly feeling. I'm trying, but I don't think I'm...I don't know, mature enough, I guess, for this."

She grows quiet for a minute, absorbing what you just said.

"I know you're trying, and I'm sure he does, too. But sometimes, emotions just are. Sometimes they're so strong, you can't really do much about it. You try to control them, it blows back up in your face." she says, running her hand up and down your arm.

You open your eyes again, looking at the monitor, hoping that now that you've voiced out your feelings, its burden has gotten a little lighter. 

It takes you a moment to find which box on the screen they are, but when you do, you see them leaning towards each other and then laughing about something. The twisting in your gut returns, and you don't know whether to laugh or cry in absolute annoyance or curl up in despair.

It's childish and stupid and irrational, but it's there and you can't seem to get rid of it unless you exploded.

"You know what, I'll take over from here," Wanda offers, holding your arm back, as if what she's seeing convinced her that you would go and tear down the monitors in front of you. You don't really know what you look like right now, but knowing what you're feeling, hell, it's very probable that that's what you look like.

Still, you try to fight it. "That's ridiculous, it's your day off—"

"It's not like I'm gonna do much other than just sit here and look around this screen," she interrupts.

"What are you gonna tell him when he comes back and sees you instead of me?" you ask, actually considering her offer the longer you look at the small box in the screen with them in it.

"I'll tell him you're not feeling good," she says.

"Nothing about this?" You turn to her, looking her straight in the eyes.

"What's between us is only between us." She raises a hand in promise, looking straight back at you.

You sigh, standing up and gathering your things once again. She stands up herself, pulling you into an unexpected hug. You're stiff in surprise for a split second before you're melting into it, wrapping your arms around her.

"Talk about it with him, okay?" she says, pulling back.

You heave out a sigh once again. "I don't know. He might think it's dumb. Hell, it is dumb. I'll get over it," you mumble.

She looks at you pointedly. "This is Bucky we're talking about, nothing you say will ever be stupid to him."

You roll your eyes fondly. "I guess."

"Now, go get some rest." She taps your shoulder.

"Thank you so much for this." You smile at her, turning to walk away.

You plop down onto your bed, as soon as you get into your room, groaning when your bruises come in contact with the mattress. You will yourself to get up and change into more comfortable clothes. After the stress of today, you decide you're going to take a nap. Naps never fail to make you feel better. This shouldn't be an exception.

Except that it is.

The longer you lay down under the covers, staring at the ceiling, the more you think about what Bucky's up to right this second. You push the thought of texting him to the farthest corner of your mind. You can't risk distracting him and possibly jeopardizing their mission just because you can't make your own mind shut up.

You turn on your side, extending your arm to where he usually lays, running your fingers through the sheets like an idiot. You feel around for your phone, opening it and typing up, 'I miss you,' before turning it off in defeat.

"That's stupid and clingy." you say out loud, not really caring that you're basically talking to yourself.

"Just go do the laundry and get your shit together." you tell yourself, standing up towards the hamper to sort the clothes out.

You carry basket after basket of it to the laundry room, wincing every time they hit your bruises, but welcoming the distraction it brings anyway. You sit down on the floor as soon as you load the first batch in, leaning your head against the wall and finally, finally feeling exhaustion pull at you.

You jump when you hear the beeping of the washer, looking around in a disoriented haze. You curse when you look outside only to see the setting sun. How long have you been in here? You transfer the first batch into the dryer before deciding to get out and possibly get something to eat.

"Doll!"

You jump for the second time since you woke up, looking to the direction the voice is coming from and seeing Bucky jogging over to you. And just like that, the blissful moment of not remembering anything right after waking up is gone. Your heart still thumps in excitement upon seeing him, but there's also apprehension.

Are the two of you still okay? Did the mission somehow change his mind about you?

"I've been looking everywhere for you. Wanda said you weren't feeling good." He immediately feels your forehead, pulling you close to kiss it after. You smile, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"You okay, baby?" he asks, leaning his forehead against yours.

"Yeah, just accidentally slept in the laundry room," you reply. "How was the mission?"

"Just fine," he says, pulling away to drag you to the elevator. "Annissa did a really great job. Don't think she really needed a partner."

"Oh." was all you could say. You pull your hand away from his, making a show of leaning against the cold metal of the elevator and closing your eyes just as he turns to look at you.

You feel him inch closer, wrapping his arms around you and leaning his head on your shoulder. "I missed you today."

"Missed you too." you whisper, shutting your eyes tighter, not really trusting your voice not to break if you speak louder than that.

You walk out first when the elevator dings, going straight to your room. He follows behind you quietly, and you don't doubt he's already studying you, thinking about what's wrong, and you will yourself to stop acting and feeling this way but you can't. You want to be alone, even if when he wasn't here just yet, all you wanted was for him to come home, and now that he is, you want him to stay as far away from you as possible, and you hate it.

It's irrational and stupid and asking for the impossible, but it's still there.

"Are we okay, babydoll?" he asks, voice a little weaker, a little less sure as he wraps his arms around you from behind, nuzzling his face into your neck.

"Yeah," you reply, absentmindedly rearranging things on your vanity mirror. You feel his eyes on you through the mirror, but you don't meet them, afraid that yours would sell you out more than the rest of you is already doing.

"Are you gonna tell me the truth?" he says, and you can feel his lips moving against your skin, and damn if it doesn't make you weak. But before you could reply to him, his phone's dinging from his pocket.

You try to stop yourself, but as soon as he brings it out and looks over it, your eyes are on it too. You immediately regret it as soon as you read Annissa’s name. The ugly feeling practically cackles from inside you as it rears its head for the nth time that day.

The words are out before you could think them through, "I think she still needs you."

There's an edge to it. It's not casual or normal sounding by any means, and you hate it. He freezes in his spot and you take that as an opportunity to step away from him again, but he stops you, using one arm to scoop you up in his hold once again.

"Baby," he breathes as you struggle to get out of his grip, "are you—are you jealous?"

“No.” you grumble.

“’S my babydoll jealous, hmm?” he asks again, and you can practically feel him smiling against your skin as he swings you from side to side in his arms.

"No I'm not. Stop laughing," you say through gritted teeth. The word coming out of him and the slight laughter in his voice makes you realize even further how stupid this all is. How stupid you are.

“’M not laughing babe, just can’t believe you’d think that. Look at me, please," he says, turning you around in his arms.

"No." You close your eyes, embarrassed by the tears welling up on them.

"Baby—fuck I should've known. I knew something was wrong when you walked out before we went. Fuck, I'm sorry—"

"This is not your fault," you choke out, "I'm-I'm the one being stupid. This is stupid, Buck. I'll get over it."

"No it's not. If it's making you feel this way, it's not stupid." he coaxes, taking your face in between his hands and pressing his forehead to yours.

"It's not healthy, okay? I'm not supposed to feel this way, I— you're doing your best to make sure I don't feel this way, but I still do, and I'm sorry,"

"Hey, hey, shh. Look at me baby," he runs a thumb on your cheek, "open your eyes, angel." he says it in the softest voice, like he usually does with you and only you, and you shut your eyes tighter, hating that you even painted that very same softness earlier as being patronizing when he was just being sweet like he usually is to you. And he's still sweet, so sweet to you even if you're shutting him out because of a stupid feeling.

"Babydoll, please..."

And you finally cave, opening your eyes, his own soft blue ones being the sight that greets you.

"There's my girl." He smiles, kissing your nose.

"Don’t stay it’s stupid, ‘cause it’s not, alright? I get mopey all the time and you’re always so patient with me," he says, “you have nothing to be jealous of, doll. It’s only you for me.”

You sigh, holding his wrists in your hands. "I'm sorry. I don't wanna be clingy...or a crazy girlfriend, I just—I don't know." You turn around, fixing the covers strewn around your bed.

He wraps his arms around you, making sure he's not pressing on any of your bruises before he lifts you up and puts you gently down onto the bed where he presses you to his body and wraps you up in the blankets.

"I don't care if you're clingy, or a crazy girlfriend, or a crazy-clingy girlfriend. Hell, even if you're a controlling and possessive girlfriend, as long as it's a you girlfriend." he says, nuzzling his face into your hair.

"That's toxic, Buck—"

"Shh," he interrupts softly, kissing the nape of your neck, "don't overthink what I said. The gist of it is that I love you," he lifts his head up to press small kisses on your cheek, "I love you," he repeats, drawing his words out.

You giggle from the feeling of his scruff and light kisses, feeling incredibly lighter than you did pretty much the whole day. The two of you grow silent for a minute, admiring the oranges and reds that paint the sky as the sun sets and simply basking in the presence of each other, one you both have missed for the past week.

You turn your head to look at him moments later, pressing a kiss on his chin. "I mean it though, that kinda thinking's toxic, Bucky. I don't want you ending up with that kind of person one day."

"Good thing I'm ending up with you, then." he says it so nonchalantly, like he just didn't tell you he's thinking that far ahead. That he sees you with him that far ahead.

"You think that?" you ask, voice growing smaller and softer, more expectant, and he only smiles at you, pressing the tip of his nose to yours.

"I know that."

@iamafishandigosplish @vaguelyminty @goldenkillmonger @ejspencer14 @seargantbcky @tinyfistwarrior @ruthyalva96 @pcterpvrker @bekah-mikaelsxn

[buuckybuuchananbarnes]

Couple’s Retreat (Letting Go)

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five

Summary:  You’ve been invited to go on a Couple’s Retreat to Hawaii. The only problem is… the only person who can go is Bucky, your least favorite person on the team. Pairing: Bucky x Reader Words: 1,810 A/N: Thank you to @lethargicprofessor for editing.  Warnings: Hope you all been to church bc this part is 90% implied smut. 

[gif originally posted by sssmcdlove]

It was your last day, and Bucky wanted to go back to the waterpark. You wanted to do some shopping, so you came up with a compromise. If Bucky waited to go to the waterpark, then he wouldn’t have to go shopping with you. Bucky agreed that this was a fair trade, and you hit the shops while leaving Bucky at the hotel again.

You got all your shopping done in a few hours, and as you made your way back to the hotel, you decided to check on the pictures. The one of you and Bucky kissing made your heart soar and you saved it to your phone. When you got to your hotel room, you could hear Bucky on the phone again.

“I chickened out. Everything was going so well and I just… I made her stop. Do you think I ruined it?” This time you didn’t knock, instead you inserted the card into the reader and opened the door.

“You didn’t, and stop telling Cap everything Buck!” You said, racing over to Bucky and grabbing the phone out of his hand. “Cap, this is Y/N speaking, I think that it’s time Bucky and I have some fun now if you catch my drift.” You heard Cap groan as the mental images started rushing in and you laughed in response. “Okay bye!”

Bucky grabbed you by the waist and pinned you to the bed. You couldn’t help but yelp at his body now on top of yours. Picking you up with his metal hand, he moved you to the top of the bed, his legs straddling your hips. “Was this the type of fun you were talking about?” He asked, and you pulled his head so his lips were now on yours.

Bucky had found his dominance. Though he was still scared he may hurt you, it was pushed aside by how badly he wanted you. Bucky’s hands went from your waist to your shirt. He pulled it off easily and his pupils became blown by the sight underneath him. Your hands managed to pull his shirt off as well and you couldn’t help but groan. You loved seeing that sculpted chest more than anything. Bucky made his way from your collarbone down to your hips, leaving soft kisses. He pulled your shorts off and in the process, had gotten his off as well. Bucky made love to you as if he was trying to memorize every single edge and curve of your body.

“So… I know that we haven’t gone to the waterpark yet, but I’d say that was a lot of fun too?” You asked. Your body was now entangled with Bucky’s, your head on his chest. You could feel the rise and fall of his breathing.

“The waterpark has nothing on the last three hours.” Bucky laughed as he realized how long it’d been since you got back. Bucky’s flesh hand ran through your long strands as his metal one traced patterns on your shoulder.

“So… you now have a decision to make. Do we get up and go to the waterpark or stay here and continue… this?” Bucky moved so suddenly that you were surprised to see him straddling you again.

“Oh, there’s no question about it.” Bucky said, and leaned down to kiss you. You giggled as his lips moved down to your neck, and he disappeared altogether in the sheets.

“Just make sure I’m still able to get on that plane tomorrow,” you said as you felt his lips kiss your inner thigh.

You looked at the clock and saw that it now read 6:30 PM. “Buck, we gotta get moving if we’re going to catch the show this evening.” You said, kissing Bucky’s forehead, nose, and moving down to kiss him fervently on the lips. Making your way off the bed, you grabbed the sheet with you.

“Y/N, what are you doing, I’ve already seen you naked.” Bucky laughed as you grabbed your things and headed to the bathroom. Before shutting the door you called back to him.

“Yeah but you saw me naked during sex not like naked-naked. There’s a difference.” Bucky laughed as you closed the door behind you. He had no idea how he’d gotten so lucky.

As the two of you sat in the front section, you couldn’t help but watch in awe at these performers. They twirled their fire poi sticks around and around. They threw them high into the air, finally catching them as they came down. You gasped as they did trick after trick. When they bowed, you couldn’t help but give a standing ovation.

“That was so cool!” You exclaimed, and Bucky grinned at you. The way she sees everything for the first time, it makes me feel like I’m a kid again, Bucky thought.

At the end of the night, a man came out with a ukulele. “There is a song that we sing every time a new week is over. It is called Aloha ‘Oe. It’s about saying goodbye, but knowing we will meet again.” As the man sang while playing his ukulele you couldn’t help the bittersweet feeling that accompanied you.

This whole retreat happened because no one else was able to come or was already in a relationship, so you had to choose Bucky. But Bucky surprised you in so many ways. The way that he was a true gentleman under all of that arrogance. The way he had been charming and made people believe that the two of you were a couple. The way he had been in love with you for so long but had been too scared to tell you.

If I hadn’t chosen Bucky, none of these things would have come to light. And now we’re leaving tomorrow, and I’m not sure I’m ready. As you continued to listen to the song, you couldn’t help but shed a few tears.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Bucky whispered to you, wiping your tear-stained cheeks.

“I’m just not sure if I’m ready to leave Paradise yet.” You said. Bucky wrapped his arm around your waist.  

“I know. But you will continue to have me, for always.” Placing your head against Bucky’s chest, he kissed you. “I love you, you know.”

“And I love you,” you whispered back.

You assumed that after the show, the two of you would head back to the hotel. However, Bucky had other plans. Instead of making your way back to the hotel, Bucky veered off to the ocean. The two of you walked hand in hand until Bucky stopped.

“This should be good.” Bucky said, starting to strip. Though it was late and dark, you still thought Bucky had lost his mind.

“Bucky what the hell? We can’t just go skinny dipping at a resort!” You whispered urgently to him. Bucky gave you a wicked smile and helped you with your dress.

“Technically, this isn’t the resort anymore. Plus, I saw a waterfall over here when I explored. Who’s to say we can’t have one more adventure?” Bucky asked, running into the ocean.

“When the hell did you have time to explore?!” You questioned, chasing after him. Although it was dark, you could still see the outline of Bucky and continued to follow him.

“Between your massage and shopping and me being on the phone with Steve. I wasn’t on the phone for hours, guys don’t talk for that long.” Bucky whispered back. You’d barely heard what Bucky said because before you was the most beautiful waterfall you’d ever seen.

As you continued to swim, you saw a large rock with a smaller waterfall cascading upon it. You swam up to it, and climbed up. You sat down, taking off your bra. You let your long hair cover your breasts and called to Bucky “I’m finally a mermaid.”

The sight in front of Bucky was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. The way that the moonlight danced on you as the waterfall continued to hit you perfectly… Bucky wished he could take a picture of this moment. Instead, he let out an involuntary moan and followed you up the rock.

“Just back behind this waterfall”, Bucky said, as he guided you. Although it was dark, Bucky’s eyes could pick up more than yours could. As he stopped, he cupped your cheeks with his hands. “If you’re tired, or you don’t want to do this, I’ll understand. We’ve kind of had a –“ Bucky was cut off as you kissed him. It was true, you were tired, but nothing was going to get in the way of you seizing this moment.

The two of you now lay on the ground, completely spent. Although you were exhausted, you knew you still had to swim back to shore. You kissed Bucky, aware that he was just as worn out as you were.

Luckily, you and Bucky made it back to your room without getting into any trouble. I guess the good thing about having a boyfriend like Bucky is he knows how to avoid detection. As you made it back to the room, you saw that your flight left in four hours.

“I guess it doesn’t make any sense to go to bed now.” You said, and Bucky agreed. Setting your alarm just in case either of you happened to fall asleep, you and Bucky lay on your bed talking.  

“Can I tell you a secret?” Bucky asked, and you nodded. “I know that things with me have blown over. And the Team has finally taken to me… but I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I don’t mean that I’m not skilled. I mean good enough as in, a good enough person.” As you listened to Bucky speak, you couldn’t help but feel like Bucky was being too hard on himself.

“You’re just as good as I am. Or Natasha. Or Wanda. Or Tony. Everyone has their own demons and battles. Even Cap has had to deal with some shit. Not one of us is perfect, and you’ve had it the hardest. But Cap showed me footage of you as a kid. You were cute, and definitely not a bad person. Don’t let Hydra define you.”

As you continued to talk, Bucky only heard one thing. “You thought I was cute?” Bucky asked, and you rolled your eyes.

“Please tell me that is not the only thing you gained from my response.” Bucky placed his hands behind his head. He couldn’t help but beam up at the ceiling.

“You thought I was cute. Be honest – was it the uniform?” Bucky asked, and you shook your head.

“Bucky, you ever wear that uniform around me and so help me god I will tear it right off of your body.” You deadpanned, and Bucky chuckled. I know what I’m doing for Halloween, Bucky smiled to himself.

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